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Why can't I put into words what depression is for me? I recently opened up to a family member that I take 2 medications for my depression (and for anxiety & PTSD), and I have trouble explaining how they work for me, and how I feel/think/am with and without them. I'm pretty much the same person to other people with or without the meds, but inside, the medication makes me feel more like I'm in the world/less vegetative and a lot less anxious.
Do you have tips on how to explain depression or what you have told people?
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self.depression
|
I don't know what to do About a month ago my father committed suicide, and I just can't cope. I talked to him last we didn't talk about very much but I talked to him for half an hour, I feel as though I could of changed his mind. We were staying at our cousins house, who dad had a love hate relationship with, dad who was often quick to lose his temper yelled at my aunt who told him to leave as he left he told me to look after my younger sister and left. My mother and I both believed he had just gone for a drive or to go to a pub, but he had gone home to hang himself. The drive home is 5 hours so he had a lot of time to think. My father, while often difficult to live with was still the most exciting, hilarious, and entertaining person, I will ever meet. I found him, and I am unable to get the image of him hanging It has been 32 days since he has passed. I just needed to vent.
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self.offmychest
|
Love animals, yet eat meat? I don't get it.
People say that they love animals...they LOVE their dog or cat...
Yet they consume meat and animal products.
It makes zero sense to me and I can't help but feel so angry at the blatant hypocrisy of it all.
How can you say you love animals and are against animal cruelty yet still buy and eat animal products.
Your actions support the torture and exploitation of real lives.
It hurts my heart so much.
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self.offmychest
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Every fucking woman I know suddenly has eyelash extensions, and it makes me feel so ugly. [removed]
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self.offmychest
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I took a sick day off work because of depression and now I’m scared to go into work People might ask why I was off. I feel it’s a bitchy culture. I hope they don’t
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self.depression
|
Who wants cookies and mini cheesecakes? I have two types of cookies to bake, and one of those cookies to decorate. I also have mini cheesecakes to make which I’ve never done before. My mom is here but she is sick and doesn’t want anything to do with making cookies. Okay fine, my son will probably not want to do it with me either since he is an almost teenager crank butt.
Then I have Christmas Eve lunch, dinner, and then Christmas dinner to cook.
I’m on the low side of my mood because of my stupid Dad inserting himself into Christmas by sending those stupid dna tests. I wish he would either be a good dad to me or leave me alone 100%. Since history shows he isn’t a good dad to me I wish he would stop trying to insert himself to remind me of all of the times he has hurt me in the past.
Anyway, wish me luck!!
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self.bipolar
|
Worried about my self being. Pretty sure I'm kinda messed up. I've read the in and outs of the depression reddit and some of this reddit. But, I don't want to die. I love my life, but suicide always creeps up into my mind. I can't get it out of my mind, and it's tearing me up inside.
Any tips or similar happenings to you guys? :)
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I want friends but it's hard for me especially with my depression. This is my first year at a new school and I haven't found a real friend. I never see my old friends anymore because everyone is busy with their own lives and I even suck at making friends on the internet.
If you're like me, let's be losers together
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self.depression
|
i wish i was good enough because of my anxiety i always mess everything up, always feel like im annoying, always feel like i say the wrong things, do the wrong things, lose friends because of it. I just want to be normal. But i always over think everything which causes me to ruin everything.
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self.Anxiety
|
bad bodily feeling at night??? In college I was diagnosed depressed and started taking Wellbutrin for a couple years. After I graduated Spring 2016 I stopped taking it and in Dec 2016 found myself in the hospital for a manic episode with psychotic features. After I got out of the hospital I went on a nightmare journey searching for the right meds and I'm now on 40mg Latuda and 50mg Prestiq. I've been on various doses of Latuda since about April and since about May I've been getting this awful feeling at night only. It's PRIMARILY just an uncomfortable bodily feeling - like an antsiness all over, but it's paired with an emotional state that I can't quite pin down as well. Uneasyness, vague sense of doom. My eyes go dead and my hands turn into claws and the only evident solution is to sleep it off. The closest thing I can compare it to is my experience on Abilify, which made me totally Disturbed with a horrible bodily component. My psych gave my Vistaril to take as needed bc she evidently sees it as under the umbrella of anxiety (which I agree with to an extent) but it doesn't do anything. It really sucks because I cancel plans over this and my friends barely know I exist anymore because I've been so reclusive and embarrassed since being in the hospital. The other thing too is that I'm not sure I'm even bipolar really I just think Trump made me psychotic? What I'm trying to say is I'm eager to be off meds again and wonder if the meds are what is causing this or at least if anyone anywhere has gone through the same thing.
I should also add that I previously thought I had conquered this!!! In about July I stopped getting the feeling and didn't get it again until November? But now it's back every few days or so. I have exhausted myself trying to figure out the environmental factors involved, but it also usually only happens when I'm out of the house.
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self.bipolar
|
I'm generous to my family for the wrong reasons I grew up as the "nobody likes you" kid in my family. I've always felt that I didn't deserve nice things in life when I was young. They'd even hide food from me. Everyone looked down on me and I had no idea why. What have I done as a kid to be treated like this?
And now all of a sudden, I mattered to these people when success came to me. At first, I wanted nothing to do with them and just slowly erase them from my memories. But then I figured that if I do the complete opposite of how I was treated, maybe these guys would feel guilty of the things they've done to me. I buy them business class trips thrice a year, a couple of superficial stuff for superficial people here and there.
Oh well, I guess I'm "killing them with kindness".
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self.offmychest
|
Quote from An Unquiet Mind about bipolar being multipolar? Does anyone remember a quote in Kay Redfield Jamison's [*An Unquiet Mind*](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/361459.An_Unquiet_Mind) that says that bipolar disorder might be better described as having multiple poles instead of the usual two poles? I'm familiar with the "mood spectrum" idea but am wondering if anyone recalls Jamison briefly talking about multiple poles.
I read that book 2 years ago during/after inpatient care and I remember that passage (if that was the book) made a strong impression on me. The of multiple poles (different than a spectrum) stuck with me but I can't find the quote anymore. The only notes in my copy are silly psychotic things and searching for terms on Google Books doesn't help. Maybe I read it in another book, but I'm pretty confident it was from *An Unquiet Mind*. I'll reread it eventually, just wondering if this rings a bell for anyone.
Hope y'all are alright or getting there!
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self.bipolar
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Im going to sleep now. Hopefully I never wake up. If i make it through the night ill look at this in the morning. With any luck that won’t happen.
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self.depression
|
I've been happily unemployed, but pressure to get another job has me reeling. I'm running on unemployment right now. For the past couple of months, I've never felt better. I can finally wake up and my first thought isn't "fuck."
But, now I'm under pressure to get another job, and every time I think about getting another job, it scares the crap out of me. Every time I work, I fall into this deep shitty depression, and I lash out, get angry, and right now, I'm thinking the best way to avoid all of that would be to probably just end the cycle.
I mean, come one, it's been 10 years and I haven't gotten any better. Multiple drug changes, therapists, many different jobs.. Nothing really works.
What the hell do I do? I don't think I can do all of this again..
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self.SuicideWatch
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Ecstasy and latuda? Wondering if there are any negative side effects/drug interactions associated with this combo
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self.bipolar
|
I feel like the odd one out with the group of friends I'm with. Ever since my first heartbreak 6 months ago I've felt what true depression feels like. It wasn't just any normal breakup though, she cheated on me, used me for my money, and her new bf, days after we broke up, recorded me crying while I was talking to my ex as some sort of revenge. It has really messed up my mind in how I think. I can actually feel myself stop caring less and less, with school, and at work. All of this caused me to want to get away from my highschool with my ex, so I moved to where one of my co-workers goes to school, I would say that move has actually helped me with my suicidal thoughts. She is like my sister in a way, I've been there for her, she has definitely been here for me. I just think sometimes I'm a huge burden on her and one other girl I met who wants to see me get better. I'm always complaining and I can sense the amount of complaining I actually do when I'm talking to those 2 really close friends of mine. Recently they got their hearts broken and all 3 of us swore to never leave each other's side, however they have both moved on from their troubled thoughts and have met people making them happy. I feel like the odd one out in the group because I'm still unhappy with myself and while they are now happy im still constantly complaining to them. I just don't want to lose them in my life, but it feels with how im feeling I'm going to do that. I think about suicide to get this feeling out of my chest for good. I have tried committing suicide once a while ago, and here I am again.. just at my second lowest moment in my life yet again. They tell me it's going to be okay but I have been hearing that for the past who know how many months, and it just seems to be getting worse. And I'm very insecure with myself in trying to talk to other girls. Sounds like some kind of attention seeking post, which at this point I don't even know what anything is anymore. And I can't ask for help from a therapist because of unfortunate situations with my family.
Thank You for reading if you did, means alot.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm scared. Will someone talk to me? I have decent grades, my SAT score is a 1520, I've been in student council the last four years, there are friends who invite me to hangout and my parents love me. But despite this there are these issues that I know are nothing compared to what other people deal with that makes me miserable.
None of my friends actually care about me. The ones that do I always push away. There's a poison within me that pushes away everyone who gets close to me, it a quirk I have. I've never experienced love, I've never felt a girl with love. There's no one I can sit down with and tell my problems to that I know will truly listen to me and care about me.
I'm built to lie. I lie about all sorts of things. I lie that I had my first kiss. I lie that I earn 1000$ a week from gambling. I lie about stupid things to make myself feel better about myself. I don't know why. It's like a papercut to myself everytime I do so but I keep doing it.
My parents buy me so many things despite money being scarce because of my expensive ass education. Yet, it's not enough for me. I want the newest designer shoes or the newest game console. Why can't I be grateful for what I have? Why am I not grateful for what I have? I should be. I hate myself for this so FUCKING much. Sometimes I even steal money. I haven't been caught and I've stolen over 15,000$. It stresses me I can't get everything I want so I resort to this. I need help and I should stop but I can't.
I have a mental issue that I don't know how I will fix. Sometimes I just want to attack people. Sometimes I do, I haven't faced legal consequences because of this. I hate when I do this and I want to stop but my fucked up head makes me lose control sometimes.
I'm scared. Soon I'll leave Asia and I'll head to a university in America. I want to live my life happy but there is just so many issues that shouldn't be issues. I should just be grateful for the wealth I have. I should stop pushing friends away. I should seek mental help. But I just can't I know how pathetic I sound. BUT I FUCKING Can't. I don't know what to do. Please help me. Please.
Sometimes I even feel like I was born as a villain. That there is no path for me in life than to be the bad guy. Sometimes I feel like if I die, the world will be a better place considering all these shitty things I do. I don't know what to do.
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self.SuicideWatch
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"You can't force people to like you" well they aren't going to otherwise. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Please Someone I need someone to help me im really anxious and I think I have appendicitis Hey this may sound really wired I think I have appendicitis. I need help ASAP on what I should do im only 16; I am overweight weighing about 208 pounds. I’ve been eating really unhealthy lately because i just came from Mexico. I think I have appendicitis because 3 days ago i was constipated and had diarrhea. I’ve gotten better with the constipation but still have it somewhat. I’ve been also dealing with a lot bleaching or I’ve been really bloated for the past days. Today when I was falling asleep I felt a pain under my naval every 30 min then moved to the right was it super bad, no but it makes me worried. I’ve been awake since 11:00 pm now it’s 3:41 am. I feel hungry but I don’t feel like eating. I feel like I’m taking farts inside my stomach. I want to tell my parents but they will just say get over it, it’s probably all in your head. I do struggle with hardcore anxiety so I don’t know what I should do because if I just brush this off, and what if it is appendicitis. I feel like if it is appendicitis it’s in its early stages but I don’t know what to do I want to go to the ER but I know how my parents are.
I’ll answer anymore questions on how I feel.
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self.Anxiety
|
Happy post So long story short in my AP US History class we are pretty much doing this extended trivia battle to "re-enact the civil war." And each class gets to chose their general (he is worth extra points if he dies). And when it came time to vote for who it was going to be everyone unanimously chose me to be general. I was so happy. It felt so great to have all these people saying my name. It is just so nice to get recognized for something you are good at and enjoy.
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self.offmychest
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I think I know why I like being sad [deleted]
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self.depression
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Does anybody else have odd daydream like thoughts pop into their head at random times during the day? Usually when anxious or just having calmed down from panicking. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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My ramblings caused by depression/an existential crisis about reality. I’m not going to get into if I think God is real or not, that’s a can of worms I’m not willing to open today, but the idea of God or a higher power or heaven is pretty comforting, isn’t it?
It answers every question, quells every fear. It makes the idea of dying feel less consequential, because you get to go to heaven or whatever it is that’s after life. The universe feels less massive and our lives feel less insignificant to the grand scheme of reality if we just say God or whatever it is you believe me made Earth and humans and life. It’s a really comforting thought to have, and I’ve never realized just how comforting it is until just now.
No, I’m not considering self-harm, or suicide, I’m just having an existential crisis because I don’t understand life. It’s horrifying and kinda sad that we’re so insignificant and that there’s no point to anything we do because it’ll be forgotten with enough time. We make up less than 0.0000000001% of existence, and you know what? Earth is the only place in that existence we know of so far with sentient beings that can feel love and happiness, heartbreak and sorrow, and the works. You know, that’s kinda scary to me, because then we’re just an insignificant speck on an empty canvas, and we don’t last long at all.
But you know what? It’s also kinda lovely. We’re the only things that get to experience a first kiss, and love, and all of that great stuff, and in a weird way, I’ll take a temporary existence where I get to feel feelings over a permanent existence of nothingness any day. A permanent existence where we get to feel feelings seems too good to be true to me, so it seems like the best choice is temporary with feelings. Don’t get me wrong, though. If I got to live forever and feel things, I would take it in a heartbeat.
But because the existence we get is temporary, what about the things and the people we love? What happens to them after we die? What happens to our stuff, our memories, everything?
Existence is weird, man. I love it, but it frustrates me because I don’t understand it.
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self.depression
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Fuck Christmas It’s all fucking commercialized shit. Fake joy. Artificial happiness. Fake fake fake
And fuck people who say you can choose to be happy. If that was true then depression wouldn’t fucking exist
Fuck everything
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self.depression
|
distracting myself because tomorrow is going to suck. Hi everyone,
I just want to vent because I'm really anxious about tomorrow. I have pretty bad driving anxiety, I live at my moms house since I graduated college a few months ago. I'm 22 with no driver's license, luckily I have managed to find a job where I can telecommute some of the time, but every now and then I am required to go into the office (which I HATE). I feel like an infant because two things that are necessary to being a functional adult, working and driving I absolutely hate. When I can work from home it is not that bad, but going into the office makes me super nervous and I dread when my boss asks me to come in. Tomorrow is the first day of driving lessons with an instructor, I will have the lesson in the morning and get dropped off at work. I am so scared, it is already bad enough that I am nervous about going into work but I feel like I will be so keyed up from my driving lesson that I'll show up to work anxious and not be able to get through the day or do my job effectively.
I am currently seeing a therapist, since mid August. He tells me that we want to run toward things that make us anxious rather than avoid, which is what I usually tend to do. I think I am making progress but I still don't FEEL any better. I find that when I know I have to do something I can force myself to do it but the feeling I get afterwards is "whew im glad thats over with and now im done." but it doesn't get easier each time.
Do any of you relate? Any advice? What helps you guys?
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self.Anxiety
|
I wrote a thing? I wrote a super long essay, for lack of better term, about my experience. It's long so it's not for the faint of heart.
Manic depression (or BP 2) has been something I have suffered from my whole life but I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 25 years old. The second that my doctor read over my depression evaluation her response was “These are pretty serious. We need to figure out what’s going on here.” No one else really got that invested in it, which was sad because this doctor said this on my second visit. It was also sad because prior to this, I had been in and out of therapy before and no one had picked up on it then. She diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and it felt like the world went from color to black and white. It blanched my entire outlook on my future. My first thought was “oh shit. This is going to be a lifelong thing that I have to maintain, and change my life to adapt to.” This diagnosis changed so many things about my life. I have to take medication every day and if I want to have any semblance of function in my life, I can never stop taking them. I wanted to have kids, now I am not sure I want to risk creating someone who has to deal with what I know is an incredibly difficult disorder. I wanted to be a pediatric surgeon, I can’t because the side effects of my medicine makes my hands and wrists go numb for several hours at a time and no it won’t go away. I wanted to be free from the constant mental anguish of not knowing if something in my life was real or made up. I will struggle with that the rest of my life.
After the visit, I spent a long time, reminiscing about my whole life but things are hazy in my mind because with my traumatic past experiences I have blocked memories, and there are large portions of my life I don’t remember. I could, but trauma has to be unlearned and I haven’t unlearned enough of it to try and remember things that could put me in a catastrophic mental state. I work with what I have the capacity to process and sometimes it’s more than other times. When I looked back over my life, I saw the patterns of manic depression so clearly, I kind of wondered if I had suspected it but was too frightened to find out for sure. It’s easy to deny something if you don’t have proof of it and we are the ones who can lie to ourselves better than anyone else. I had uncontrollable rage as a teenager (sure, hormones account for some of it) and a lot of it was from my circumstances growing up, but I think my disorder was responsible for the absolutely uncontrollable unleashing of the anger. My mom told me that I was a demon child at one point, and I can’t say that it was untrue. No one saw the root of the problems though, so it went on unnoticed for my whole life.
The manic portion of the disorder is sharp and precise, like a guillotine it chops my brain up until I can’t think straight, all I know is I have too much to do; my anxiety covers me like tree sap and I try to scrub it off but it won’t come clean. Manic stage means I sleep very little, most recently I had a 48 hour period with 9 hours of sleep. That’s a pretty standard average, for my sleep patterns in manic stage. I try to fill every moment with something, anything that gives me the idea that I am being productive. Which most of the time, the things I choose to do are productive, but most of the time I am doing things that aren’t really necessary. I repetitively clean, obsessively bake/cook, once upon a time I had a job and I would work as many hours as I could. I would pack my school schedule, sometimes to the max limit of credits that the college would let me take (I only did this once because it’s an expensive thing to try to sustain) and do all sorts of volunteering. I thought ‘if I do things that are good, then it’s not really manic, right?’ and that is not true at all. Scheduling myself to every last minute was how I manifested that, which I believe is pretty common. With so many obligations, you have no time to think about what you are feeling and you can excuse that with adopting an “I don’t have time for myself, its selfish” attitude. I obsess over things I can’t control, so I have to avoid news other than superficially hearing about it, and I can’t watch certain things because I can’t come out of the spin it puts me in. I can’t answer the phone unless I have warning that someone is calling me, and my worst nightmare is running into people I kind of know somewhere (like grocery shopping) and having to make small talk. You couldn’t pay me to open my door when I don’t know if someone is coming over. If I notice someone soliciting something, I will walk a different way or put my head down and avoid eye contact or I will simply walk by. I know these people are doing something that is their job, or something they feel really strongly about. I know how it feels on the other end, and honestly if I have been in a position of solicitation, I never blame people who just walk on by because I do it. I usually won’t eat very much when I am in a manic phase, using excuses like ‘I don’t have time’ or ‘I don’t feel good’ to the point that when I actually do eat, it hurts. Mania feels like someone hit the accelerator in your brain, and it went from 0-60 in less than a second.
Depression is the exact opposite, it feels like someone hit the brakes so hard it left tire marks and you are fishtailing out of control in slow motion. Depression makes your body hurt, they call it malaise. Malaise is just a general achiness and discomfort everywhere, all over. Unless you have experienced it, malaise is very hard to understand or describe to someone. Depression feels like a witch cursed you and turned your brain into a swamp, full of darkness and stagnancy. It makes leaving bed really hard (especially when you are unemployed) and it makes leaving the house feel like an event. It makes you think that you are a phantom, you are invisible to everyone around you, and if you are seen, people look right through you. Simultaneously your brain is screaming “SEE ME, SEE WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH” and “DON’T LOOK AT ME BECAUSE YOU MIGHT SEE WHAT I REALLY AM”. Depression dredges your memory to find what horrible things or thoughts you have done/had and it makes you watch them like a YouTube video that won’t stop auto playing. It takes your brain and dips it in acid comprised of your mistakes until it erodes any hope or positivity. The absolute worst thing I (personally) can hear is “You just need to stay positive”. First of all, when you tell someone they “just need” to do something, they immediately feel like you aren’t listening to them. When someone tells me that, I want to scream and I want to tell them with all the force I have in my body that since I am still alive, I am grasping every last thread of positivity that I can fucking muster. It’s painful to be alive sometimes, because you think of other people and how much simpler their lives would be without you. There is a difference between being suicidal and having no will to live. Being suicidal means that someone is actively seeking death; having no will to live means that if someone were diagnosed with terminal illness they would accept it without fighting. Having no will to live means that you feel indifferent about life like you just shouldn’t exist, and suicidal means you are seeking to end your existence. No, I cannot fix my depression in any capacity other than doing things that I know are good for me, even when I hate them, like walking or taking my medication. That is the hardest to do, when you have no will to do anything. The worst part of depression for me is that since I have a long history of addiction, I have to be supremely aware of what I do to cope. Music is the main thing that I can use to find some relief. Reading is pretty safe; television and video games can be addicting and mind numbing, which is really enticing but ultimately not what I want. Some people ask why I don’t write anymore, either my poetry or just free writing. It’s hard to make yourself do things, simple as that.
With so many different factors that play into my specific version of bipolar, it’s so hard to help someone understand you. I am so, so, so grateful that I have a partner who is willing to learn how to even out the fluctuation, and do it gently. My husband is an absolute champion, and he can hang in there with the gritty side effects of my mental imbalances. What I mean by my specific version is that no two people with bipolar disorder experience the same things. They experience very similar things, but just like anything else, history plays into it, trauma, and the way you take care of yourself mentally. I have a long history, littered with sexual trauma, self-harm, eating disorders, emotional and physical abuse, and addiction. I don’t have to tell anyone that but sometimes it goes a long way to helping people understand. At one point in my life, I had to walk away from anyone who said “You’re crazy”, either in a (perceived) funny way or seriously. I couldn’t allow myself to be told that, because I have struggled with sanity my whole life. Leaving a situation where people have made you believe that you are crazy and you are wrong and nothing about you is right, it’s like reverting to childhood. In recovery you learn that whatever age you began using, whether drugs or any other vice, that’s the age that you stopped emotionally developing. When you begin recovery, you revert back to that age, and have to teach yourself everything that “normal” people learned in order to become a functioning individual. When you leave the abuse, and begin to learn how to manage life, it’s absolutely staggering how difficult it is. I would start crying in a store trying to buy shampoo, because of all the voices I heard in my head from my past, all while trying to dig through them to find MY thoughts and MY feelings. I was told so much how I should think and feel about things that I had absolutely no barometer to measure against, to see if I was feeling and thinking real things, things that I actually thought.
Navigating the world from my point of view isn’t easy, and I wish more people could understand that empathy is the key to connection. I really do try to remember that everyone has their problems, and if people act like assholes then they have things in their lives that make them act that way. People find me comforting and easy to talk to (not my words) and this means that I have had many a time when a cashier at a grocery store start telling me about his life problems, or someone on a bus, or wherever. It makes it really strange for me, to be suffering internally but experience someone externally telling me of their suffering. I have lots of compassion for people but it’s frustrating to be a rare individual who actually listens. Active listening is a skill and one that is not found very much anymore. Active listening means that you are just listening to someone, without offering opinions or advice. In my 12 step, we were not allowed to interrupt feelings, which included touching someone if they were crying, and you couldn’t even hand them a tissue. It’s because you are interrupting their feelings, both inherently and subconsciously sending them the message that they should stop to thank you for comforting them, in whatever capacity. It’s really hard to learn, but it’s the most loving thing you can actually do when listening to someone even if it feels counterintuitive. When I share with people, it’s never with very many people because lots of people can’t treat me the way I need to be. I don’t share much also because people rarely actually listen, and I don’t care to know their opinions or advice when I am just trying to be heard. It’s not their fault necessarily, but I have learned boundaries in my adult life and it’s liberating not to blame them but also to be free of feeling obligated to share, just because they expect it.
The duality, and the diametrically opposing natures of mania and depression is what is the hardest to feel like you are in control of. It sounds cliché but truly, it’s like a light switch that could be turned on by something my husband says, a TV show, really innocuous things that other people say or do that they wouldn’t think of as bothersome but turn me inside out. I just have a responsibility to help people understand, because so much damage is caused by ignorance. Or maybe you just want to understand more of what it’s like to have a mental disorder, but my story is never going to be the same as anyone else’s. It takes a lot of courage to share stuff like this, and it’s hard to know what to say in response to people who comment. This is just some information for people who have limited exposure or don’t know anything about bipolar disorder. If someone else in your life shares, I hope you will remember that it does damage to try to fix them, even if it feels helpful and remember that everyone has things they harbor that no one knows about so act accordingly. Thanks
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self.bipolar
|
I hate myself and I am the most stupid person I know. (long rant) [deleted]
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self.depression
|
My boyfriend has feelings for someone else... I just found out from my boyfriend that he has feelings for someone else. A co-worker who is engaged to someone else. She hasn't said anything about having feelings for him and I had been trying to become friends with her for a little bit because I don't really have any and he said I should try. He was telling me because he felt like he was lying by not doing so. He wants to work on it and said we can't do that without me knowing. I love him so much and I am hurting so bad. I don't want to lose him but I feel like I already have. I don't have one single person to talk to about this and I needed to vent. I'll listen to advice but honestly I just needed an outlet. I don't know what to do or think or say at this point and I'm scared. We have been dating for 4 years and we live together. I just wish this all wasn't happening. And I'm kinda hoping for a miracle.
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self.offmychest
|
I dont have anything I like or want to do anymore and also no goals or aspirations i used to enjoy shopping, dressing up, drawing, and gaming but now none of that holds any appeal to me and i dont have anything that i actually like/want to do.
I just want to disappear
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self.depression
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Nugget of wisdom Victory is defined not solely by what you’ve accomplished, but by what you’ve overcome to accomplish it.
I heard these words coming out of my mouth while talking to a friend who’s on the ward right now, and I needed the reminder as much as he did.
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self.bipolar
|
What are some techniques that help your anxiety? I'd like to make a thread here about different techniques and such we use to cope with our anxiety and panic, so that maybe someone else can benefit from what we find useful.
What I find useful:
**A. If I am about to have a panic attack, I take a bowl and fill it with ice and cold water.** I full dunk my head in several times. This sends a shock through my head and in a sense, knocks me out of my panic mode.
**B. Drawing diagrams.** If I have anxious thoughts, I draw flow diagrams of "what is the worse that can happen?" I do it on big newsprint and after when I look at it, it helps me put things in perspective.
**C. Meditation.**I use an app called Relax Melodies that has relaxing ambient noises and guided meditation with deep breathing. I recommend it. The pro version with all the meditations is 7 dollars I believe.
**D. Fidget cube.**I have a tendency to pick at my fingers, face, etc when I'm anxious. The fidget cube allows me to get my anxious energy out, even discreetly at work.
**E. Breathing through one nostril.** This helps me slow down my breathing to relax. Just cover one nostril with a finger.
I hope this post helps someone out there. Share what helps you. :-)
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self.Anxiety
|
Having waves of anxiety at work. I missed my sertraline dose last night — totally forgot. I took it this morning. Felt absolutely fine until around 11am. I’m a shift supervisor at a retail pharmacy. It isn’t stressful compared to my last job - we’re putting up truck today, so it consists of that, helping customers, and helping the cashier when the line gets long.
I have been have waves of intense anxiety. It makes me feel like there’s a knot in my chest. I have hot flashes. I basically feel like I want to run away. I considered asking my manager if I can leave early today but every time I want to ask, the feeling fades away.
Does anyone think this is linked to missing the dose of sertraline? I’ve been taking it for about 2 months. This is second dose I’ve missed ever, about a week apart. I’m currently in the bathroom calming down for a second and basking in the quiet. I get off in 2 1/2 hours.
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm so worthless. So I have this medical condition - it's a lot like cancer, but not quite as serious - which requires me to get treatment every two weeks or so. This treatment is incredibly expensive - somewhere in the range of 5-7 grand a pop - but luckily, I live in Canada where this is all covered by the government (up until you turn 18 that is [I'm 16]). This means that in the past 8-10 months, my own personal healthcare coverage has burned through close to $150,000 of precious tax payer money. I am not worth anywhere near that much. From an economic perspective, the nation would be better off if I just offed myself: this is a fact. I don't contribute to society. I don't have a job, do well in school, or do anything to even remotely justify this incredible sum of cash being spent on my welfare. And to top it all off, I'm also, for the most part anyways, something of a social pariah - both at school and at home. My family only loves me because I'm their family - it's an obligation to them, not a privilege. I have no friends either because most people just think I'm mean. I am. I'm not worth it. I just wish that, instead of the government pumping hundreds of thousands of tax payer dollars into my bloodstream, that they could instead just give me the money so that I could donate it to people who need it, and dare I say deserve it, more than I do.
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self.depression
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I'm driving myself Crazy and I can't control it [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Wont be able to take this any longer Even on brazil with classmates cant help it but feel suicidal I am already 80% sure when I will die just months from now what happened is that in brazil for a week with classmates 2 of them dissapear for a while everyone worried I wanted to test if anyone would even notice I dissapeared for the whole night no one even asked if I was there or noticed, then they say "the class wouldnt be the same without you!"... The day I die or dissapear they will only notice when my parents make an announcement or it appears on the news.. Im tired and wont be able to hold on for much longer
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self.SuicideWatch
|
After dealing with constipation for my whole life, I cherish the rare times I get diarrhea. It's nice not having my asshole bleed (genetic issue, happens less often since changing my diet though), and I like not having to feel like I'm giving birth when I take a shit. I made a soup a few hours ago that had mushrooms, turmeric, miso, garlic, onions, bean sprouts, bok choy, and various spices and it just exited my colon in such a fashion that it was even more watery than when it had entered my body. It reminded me of the poop-soup montage from Game of Thrones this past season and it was gloriously satisfying. The only downside was that I had to lean forward sometimes while blasting it out of my anus, which caused it to spray all over the back of my toilet seat.
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self.offmychest
|
I’ve been “normal” on meds for so long, and I miss the “old me” Bipolar II here. Besides the flurry of different stuff at the beginning when we were trying to find the right medication cocktail, I’ve been taking the same meds for about 2 years.
I can still be happy, and I can still be sad, but there aren’t any noticeable dips in either direction. But I feel as like I’ve lost my passion for certain things, though. I no longer get creative bursts of hypomanic energy. I don’t make gifts for friends on a whim anymore. I don’t randomly decide to take up a new hobby, and put months of time into it. I don’t even really form strong emotional connections with people.
**But**, I also don’t have suicidal thoughts, self-harm, or go through long stretches of major depression.
Deep down, my brain knows that I’m better off taking my medication. But part of me still misses the, well, excitement.
_
Edit: As a side note, I wrote a [drug information bot](https://www.reddit.com/r/bipolar/comments/4dbd7y/drug_bot_major_update_v20_the_good_the_bad_the/) a while back that I had forgotten about. I dug up the old code to fix it up (shortening it by about 500% at the same time). I don't think it's worth putting it back online, because the OpenFDA drug database is suuuuper unreliable right now. Searches for one thing came up as others, generics/brands had different pages. It was weird. Anyway, I might make a post about that later if there is interest.
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self.bipolar
|
Cold hands , dry mouth , moderate shaking and brain fog - my "social anxiety mode" [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Does anyone else get anxiety about the world around them just inevitably falling apart no matter what? I don't know why, but I get this really irrational anxiety about everyone I love dying, losing my job, the people I love losing their jobs, losing someone who helps me financially, being homeless, not being able to pay for school? Or my car for some reason breaking down and having to buy a new one making me then take a semester off school?
I get really bad anxiety about something so bad happening in my life, that it would temporarily I guess ruin it? By ruin it I mean like put my life on hold and stop me from pursuing school and progressing with my life.
Sometimes it's worse than other time, but for the past like 8 hours I've been trying to ignore it and I seriously cannot.
Is there anyone who can relate, or has any suggestions? I realize these aren't impossible things, I just know I shouldn't think about it nearly as much as I do.
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self.Anxiety
|
I [25M] despise my girlfriend's [28F] best friend [24F]. Am I insane for breaking up with my gf? [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Has anyone else not been able to get their drivers license due to anxiety/depression? Or am I alone in this?
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self.Anxiety
|
I have no friends, I'm lonely I have no friends
I have failed school for the third time
I lay in bed all day with pain in my chest and body
Nobody cares about me at all and I just want to die
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self.depression
|
I wish I could give my time on Earth to someone that wanted and deserved these days. La tristesse durera toujours [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I hate those "everything is insurmountable so I'm going to sleep" days. Having one today. I have chores to do, and other things I could be doing to not be a leech... But it just all seems so overwhelming!
How do you get over these "mini everests?"
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self.bipolar
|
I yelled at my daughter last night She's just a toddler, a month short of two years old. Being a little over midnight it was late by all of my standards, and the kiddo simply refused to fall asleep. Usually we make her go to bed around 10:30 p.m. or so, but last night she was having none of it. My wife tried locking themselves in our bedroom and turn the lights off, the usual drill. I went ahead to take my nightly shower, all the while hearing my daughter crying and protesting for more playtime. After coming out the bathroom and slipping into my pj's I headed for the bedroom. My daughter was on the bed with her mom, tantrum still ongoing.
The wife was already quite irritated and the truth is I was too. Still I tried to be the adult in the situation and asked my daughter -*How about some Masha and the bear?*- She partially giggled as the video started playing. It worked for a few minutes. But then she started getting upset again, one of the biggest tantrums she's ever thrown. She started punching, kicking, screaming like she was being tortured, and attempting to climb down the bed.
I lost it. I reached out to the edge of the bed where my wife was trying to make my baby-girl go backup, and yelled right to my daughter's face: *Just stop now!* She froze right then and there. Not a beep, she didn't even blinked. The wife looked at me with contempt as she carried my daughter back to the pillows.
I was still at the edge of the bed and turned around to look at them. What I saw wrinkled every piece of my heart and soul: my daughter was on the bed, laying on her right side. She was covering her face with both hands and sobbing quietly; she didn't move at all. I climbed to where she was and tried talking to her while stroking her back -*Honey bunny?*- She recoiled at my touch and whimpered a little.
My eyes started watering, just as they're doing it now, as I apologized to her. All she said was -*No, no, no*- that's what she does when she's scared. She was scared, scared of *me*. I made my baby-girl fear the one man who is supposed to protect her against anything and anyone. All I could think of doing was handling her an old «Winnie the pooh» stuffed figure, her favorite stuffed toy, the one which belonged to me when I was a kid. She hugged the bear tightly and wouldn't let go of him.
I looked at my wife and her face had a cloak of disdain. She hugged my daughter to her chest and started cooing my daughter's lullaby. Both of them fell asleep a few minutes after that. Me? I just sat there on the bed, weeping and pressing my lips together as to not disturb their peace. I cried like I had not done it in so many years. I kissed my baby-girl good night, I ran my fingers through the wife's hair once, and then I laid on my pillow, wishing I could repair what I had done.
---
EDIT: I'm not sure if this edit will be seen by anyone but I want to update anyway. Yesterday when I got home from work my daughter was cheerfully talking to her aunt via video-call. When she saw me she greeted me with the usual *papa!* and went back to her call. After she was done I call her over and apologized again to her; I tried to explain what had happened and that I'm going to temper my guts, while also telling her the importance of following house rules. I'm not sure how much she actually understood, but she had sort of a «fair enough» expression. I told her how much I love her and hugged her. She then promptly took my hand and guided me to share some playtime together. I'm fine and so is she. That's all I needed to know.
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self.offmychest
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Why isn't this forum more active? ubscribe148,217 readers
396
Users Here Now
almost 400 people here, and it takes someone 2 hours to respond to ONE of my threads? the respond to people here ratio is honestly shit tbh...
I can go to a different forum right now with literally 25 ppl active and get 5 responses....
wtf?
I know this is anxiety but seriously im probably more fucked then most of you LOL.
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self.Anxiety
|
Anxiety Related Podcasts? Hi All,
The other day a fellow redditor told me about The Anxiety Coaches Podcast and it has really helped me in the past few days. I know this question has been posted before, but I will try again in case something was left out.
The only other mental health related Podcast I've listened to was The Mental Illness Happy Hour which, in my opinion, gets kind of old with the incessant self deprecation humor/horrible stories about abuse and isn't super calming to listen to. I've really responded well the The Anxiety Coaches Podcast because the woman has a very calm voice and "talks" to the listener in a helpful way.
Any suggestions?
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self.Anxiety
|
i was forced to go off my meds cold turkey and now my mood swings are way stronger than they ever have been numerous adult figures in my life (including my acupuncturist, which i will address later) have tried to convince me to go off my meds (sertraline 75mg), mostly because of the anti-western medicine mindset they have (old fashioned east asian adults from the baby boomer era). i haven’t been taking them for that long, maybe like 3 months at most, and i hadn’t seen a noticeable difference yet so i wanted to continue to see how it went. i didn’t think it was improving my depression all that much but it definitely helped in keeping my mood stable.
my moms main reason for wanting me off them was for the sake of my reproductive health (i’m an only child and a girl). i’m not exactly sure where she got the idea that sertraline would mess with my reproductive health as she never even bothered learning the name of the meds i was taking, so i tried to ignore her badgering me. she hid my meds at one point and it made me upset, which got her upset at me for taking them in the first place.
my acupuncturist, also my moms friend, got really offended when i told her i take sertraline for some reason. she gave me an ultimatum: sertraline or acupuncture. this was all happening during my acupuncture session, as in while needles were stuck in my body, and i had to stay relaxed so i just complied to not cause any tension and to not fuck up my muscles. she told me later sertraline would interfere with the new meds she was planning to put me on, and that since i haven’t been on them for that long that i don’t have to taper off them or anything, so i agreed to go cold turkey.
it’s been less than a week and i feel like complete shit. my mood swings are at the worst they’ve ever been. i want to die every fucking day and i feel completely ignored and belittled. i just need someone to tell me i matter because i can’t convince myself of that right now
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I can't do this anymore I don't know what to say right now. I'm crying, and I don't know what to do. I hate my job so much that it makes me want to kill myself. I hate school. I don't have any friends or really much of a support system. I tried to kill myself last year, and it was really painful, but I wish I succeeded.
I feel like im going to attempt soon. I don't know if I should tell my therapist because I think she would hospitalise me, which would interfere with school. I don't want to fail, but I can't ducking take it anymore. I didn't receive help last year and it led me to suicide.
I just want someone to be with me right now.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
clearly. the world doesn't want people like me how much hate have i gotten in my life just for being myself. literally everyone hates me for speaking my mind, and my mind is an accepting and truthful one. they hate me for being non-binary transgender and not fitting their definitions of what a person should be like. they hate me for being asexual and not conforming to the sex-based society. i'm not worthy of love or basic respect. or have my struggles listened to and taken seriously. not even in "lgbt+ friendly" spaces that just end up making me roll up in my blanket and cry. i was just trying to live my life peacefully without harming anyone. but it seems like i fucked up just by being me. i tried. the world doesn't need people like me
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self.SuicideWatch
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Surviving Bipolar 1; Family history, my mother, therapy and medication Nope.
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self.bipolar
|
Help with meds, is this normal? Sorry in advance for English error.
My bipolar was discovered while being on Lexapro.
Been on Lithium and Seroquel for maybe a month.
Last week finally weaned off Lexapro. Still a little too high. So last Sunday started Sodium Valproate.
Today I’ve been crying so much it’s unbelievable and I wanted to cut myself.
I feel like this post is shit and doesn’t deserve to be published at all lol.
I don’t want to go to the hospital tonight, should I take some Lexapro that’s left? Thanks.
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self.bipolar
|
So I've been in the biggest shit hole for years now, but just this one sparkle has ignited a fire inside of me again. So this isn't like the kind of thing I'd ever post (I have tried self help and been trying to look for help with my mental state before on the Internet and irl before)
But not long ago I've been in the biggest shit hole ever, I've lost everything my family have left me, I quit school and was just going with the flow for days for now.
Getting high, making junkie music trying to find a reason to be alive, meeting people that would leave after few days, doing nothing just living this circle of nothingness and continuous depression.
Many people say that depression isn't a thing, that it just comes out of boredom that teenagers and whatnot get themselves into. But if that's true then depression would cause the same so we can acknowledge the fact that this circle exists and it's only natural to get yourself into it.
That's what I've been telling myself for years though.
It just didn't make any sense to me it was just as if this world was nothing but a black and white screenplay of fear and sorrow.
I just gave into it I lived as if that was the premiss for my life, as if there wasn't anything else that could change that.
But few days ago I've met this wonderful person and I don't think I know I've found my soulmate someone who makes me feel the way I can't really describe or show it's just there.
This someone understands me the way no one else ever has understood me made me want to get my shit together and made me want to move on from that and with every day I'm just giving more and more into this emotion.
I've began practicing my passions, I've started looking for a job I've finally accepted the fact that all that happened has happened.
And after all these years of fear and sorrow I just want to get it out there, I finally feel human once again and it's amazing it's the most astonishing feeling in the world.
That's all
Merry Xmas Reddit and thank you to all that have read this.
But most of all thank you sunshine
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self.offmychest
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An open letter to the woman who owns my heart, wether she wants it or not. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I finally understand mixed episode My therapist said my symptoms were mixed episode. It's so scary. It's like the hopelessness of depression meets the delusion of mania. I've had moments where I was completely convinced that killing myself is a good thing (something about new dimensions, or everything is a dream??) I'm worried that if I get even the slightest bit more depressed WHILE I'm floated away from reality that I will have no reason not to follow through and kill myself.
As per my therapist' s instructions I've reached out to a few friends so they now what's going on, I begrudgingly agreed to see my pdoc and will adjust meds accordingly (...:/). I said I would stay away from alcohol. I already ruined that. Even when I'm not delusional, my recent delusions stick with me...its hard to unsee the things that were so real at one point.....
Does anyone understand this mentality????
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self.bipolar
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I'm considering doing something that might get me killed, and I don't care... [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Two years down the line Two years down the line (since shit with you and I hit the fan) I’m doing somehow okay. I wrote out the totality of what happened- a summery of events, but deleted the whole thing. That isn’t the point.
I’m still dealing with the emotional fallout- I carried a lot of anger over the perceived unfairness of the situation for a long time, and I’m getting help to put those metaphorical rocks down. Its a lot better now than it was- I left us with a bad case of PTSD, and was afraid to connect for a long time. Its gotten a lot better, but someone is helping me clear the remnants out.
I came to understand what happened as a tragic mixture of fear, lack of trust, and a fucktonne of drugs. I regret the way I handled some things beyond belief- that won’t ever be me again. I understand you are maybe in similar shoes. Wherever you are, I hope you’re doing better too.
The year following was a hard one, but things have taken a turn for far better. I have a circle of close friends who know me for me, and love me regardless- an aim I’m working towards, even outside the work- someone to love. I feel less alone than I ever did- I’m looking forward to my future for maybe the first time in my life.
I can’t exactly say thanks for the memories- looking over them is still painful- but thanks for the lessons. I was considering posting something here for some time- exactly what, I wasn’t sure- but this, today, just struck me as it.
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self.offmychest
|
The world separated us Every person you have been with, till date , is there with your for either your looks or to feed off your resources. To climb the ladder at your expense, or many other reasons. Even you know that deep down. You are smart. Quite smart.
I might sound egotistical, but I was the only one who loved you for your stupid laugh and your stupid personality and your stupid humour that I loved. Never for your looks or body or resources or etc etc you know i could get a real looker any moment I pleased.
We both know that. As long as you do, I don't care
And yes it suckks when I see what belongs to me be with some no good nobody. Who can never make her laugh from the heart. Or knows what she truly likes.
I hope one day you see the light.
You might be with someone, who? I don't know, I don't care
We both know no-one can come close to what I was to you. Not now, not ever. Never till the end of this world. Nowhere even near to what I was.
Maybe some other life when this world isn't so messed up.
Or up there...
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self.offmychest
|
My mood's been going up and down. Sometimes so low I scare myself. I don't really know how to explain these feelings I've been having. I've been real up and down a lot. I've just been calling them mood swings but I get really low sometimes.
Sometimes I'll be at work (I own a small business, which I love), I'll completely 100% fine and okay with my work and everything. Then maybe in a few hours, sometimes even minutes I'll just start having anxiety. Anxiety is something I know I've always had, but for the first time in October I just broke down one day and just started crying. Now it seems to happen about once a month. Happened in November, and it happened 2 days ago. I just start bawling. Then in a few hours I'll be fine, as if there was nothing wrong in the world.
But I think the worst was a few week nights ago. I was talking to my mom. I was quiet and reserved, giving short answers. Then I got up and walked to my room. In the Hallway, it was dark, cold, and I just had this horrible, horrible feeling that lasted a few seconds. Just this feeling of "Why do anything in life if nothing matters because we're all going to die anyway." And I agreed with the feeling. Then I got to my room, got into bed, and just cried for a few minutes. I was scared because that was the first and only time where I think I had a suicidal thought, which I've never had before. Anyway, I was just so terrified of what I just thought of. But then a few minutes later I was laughing at stupid memes on Reddit again.
I just don't know what's been going on with me. I talked to my mom about it and she says it's likely Seasonal Depression, which I can see, because of work I hardly get to go out in the daylight.
I know I should see about /r/suicidewatch. I considering it. I just felt like I could just let someone know how I feel. Maybe help suggest how to fix it or something. I could just be screaming into an echo chamber. But thank you to anyone who reads this.
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self.depression
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Is Stability Even Possible? I've kinda lost hope that I'll ever be "normal."
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self.bipolar
|
How do I not become a psychopath? Excuse the format of this post. I'm about to express myself poetically.
I feel a deep sense of anguish in my soul. Angst in my veins and anger and resentment, residue from teenage heartbreaks. From not being able to find love to always being able to find hate. And I graduated early and escaped but now I've entered this whole new reality where things seem to be even more brutal. Where everyone says fuck your feelings unless you're hot or cute and I'm left to rot in the corner like mold. Just a loner afraid to step out and make bold choices. And I just asked this girl to be mine but she said no thank you, so I regress back into my state of depression, left to die in this old basement. Let's just face it, my face is straying me from finding relationships and I'm just a lonely girl who hates this shit. I want to die and escape this shit or I'll become a psychopath and all the people I hate will die with me.
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self.offmychest
|
Tempted by Hypomania I have Cyclothymia, and I'm in the middle of a hypomanic swing at the moment (I'm medicated, so it's pretty mild). During my highs, I always feel *such* a strong temptation to quit my meds and experience a full blown hypomania - 'screw the treatment - you know how awesome this can be! Be free and wild and dangerous like you used to be' etc etc. It's like a mini obsession, rattling at my brain, constantly telling me to give in.
I figure this must be quite a common thing. What do you guys do in this situation?
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self.bipolar
|
Anyone Out There? Hey gang. Hope you're doing well.
Been off my meds for about 2 weeks.
Conflicting work and pharmacy schedules. Can't get em for another... math, 6 days. Bipolar2 and PTSD.
Haven't been sleeping much. Haven't had any motivation to clean the home, brush my teeth, or shower. Feeling like I don't exist anymore. Feeling like existing is too exhausting. Not really eating. Too tired to cook. Still going to work.
Been thinking more about self harm, more thoughts of death and suicide. Can't tell the fiance, he just sees it as weak and doesn't understand, so. No sympathy from him. Calling my therapist seems like a good idea, but I know I won't. I never do when I'm off my meds. I don't want to die, I just want to sleep.
I just want to sleep forever.
No more worries. No more anxiety. No more mood swings. No more inappropriate reactions. No more nightmares. No more suffering. No more always being so, so tired. I'm so tired of being this tired.
Idk, maybe this is a rant or my way of hoping a stranger will reach out. Grasping at straws. Don't really know what to do. I can't sleep. Been drinking a lot more off my meds, too. Alcohol helps me sleep. I have work tomorrow
Can't turn off my mind. It's screaming over fireworks
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self.bipolar
|
I'm finally admitting my anxiety is out of control. feeling lost and in need of support. My anxiety’s gotten to problem levels over the last year and if I can't get a handle on it soon I'm probably going to lose my job. It came on gradually and I only just recognized how bad it is after it was pointed out to me by two coworkers on separate occasions. It’s affecting my work, but what I haven’t told anyone is what slips out there in very specific situations is just the tip of the iceberg. I’m uncomfortable and on edge nearly all the time, no matter where I am or what I’m doing. There’s no reason for it. My life is generally pretty easy but normal things everyone else deals with just fine send me into a panic spiral on an almost daily basis. I'm not having full-blown panic attacks, just abnormally high stress levels.
Apparently everyone I work with has been sick of dealing with it for months and I didn’t even know it was coming out that much until someone took me aside and told me. Sometimes I'm so stressed I skip lunch because the thought of eating anything makes me feel nauseated, and those aren't even the days that were pointed out to me as being particularly bad. Somehow I don't have trouble falling asleep at night with all of this but I'm always tired anyway.
I also recently learned people are talking about it when I’m not around and knowing that obviously isn’t helping. The person who told me all this was coming from a place of concern but I wish they hadn't shared that part because now on top of everything else I’m questioning every interaction I have and wondering if the person I’m talking to thinks I’m as much of a failure as I do. I didn’t used to be like this and I don’t know how to go back.
I haven't talked to anyone close to me about any of this because I have a really hard time sharing anything emotional even when it's good stuff. None of these people live nearby either. I know I need professional help. I’m not a danger to myself but I’m feeling really lost and isolated and like I can’t do anything right anymore.
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self.Anxiety
|
[Spoiler] There's One Moment In My Life That Truly Haunts Me. I Just Need To Get This Out There And Get It Off My Chest. This takes place over a year ago now. That part of my life feels so far away now, yet this moment is so fresh in my mind as if it happened yesterday.
I was in an incredibly dark place. My doctor had me taking 14 pills every morning, and 16 at night every day. Nothing seemed to be working, and the hopelessness I felt was palpable. I was locked in the worst depressive cycle I've ever encountered to this day.
I attempted to overdose on dextromethorphan (robitussin) and diphenhydramine (benedryl). The amounts aren't necessary to specify, but after discussing it with my doctor months afterwards he had said "It's incredible you survived, because I don't know how anyone can take that much and live. You're very very lucky."
The particular moment I was referring to was when I woke up the following morning after my attempt. I just remember coming to and thinking "*Damn, I'm still here.*" That terrible moment has stuck with me since then. It was like, I can't even leave if I wanted to.
Fast forward to today, and I still have rough days/weeks. But I feel therapy has helped tremendously. I've developed some very healthy coping mechanisms I feel. I'm not perfect by any means, and I'll never claim to be. I definitely still have my shortcomings, but hell, everyone does. Rn I'm quite manic and feeling great so that's a huge plus for the time being.
Thank you for giving me a place to get this shit out. It feels freeing.
Much Love,
Riot
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self.bipolar
|
Hearing for disability was scheduled for today... and it was canceled over an inch of snow. My lawyer's secretary said it could be two weeks or four months. No way to know until the judge's office opens back up. It's been two and a half years since I first applied, and this is really disheartening. Anyone else had to put up with this sort of thing?
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self.bipolar
|
I cant sleep, and my ex shrink said writing helps I've fought through a hard life, not the worst but i have my battle wounds. I thought i was past this; i thought that the nightmares were gone. l started to believe i could go back to the normal me. But the thing i really dont understand is, im the happiest ive been in 6 years so why do i still feel like this.
Lets paint a better picture for you, last year i was in an abusive relationship a horrible situation that i couldnt believe i had found myself in and worst of all i couldnt find my way out of the darkness that had surrounded me.
Now when i was going through all of that i couldnt sleep properly i would have nightmares but the nightmares were the better part of the problem my issue was not being able to switch off my brain. below is a diary entry that i had to write when i was unable to sleep it will show you more of how my mind works because what a horrible thing it is to not be able to rest from the torment of your own mind. you dont have to read it all it is quite a read though.
>Have you ever felt insane
>Like the world around you makes no sense and you're the only one that can see it, as if the rest of the world are mindless. Just zombies, brain dead robots. Or the opposite like you're the robot you don't have your life figured out while these people these things around you seem to be flying high while you're still crawling, barely able to walk. I struggle to understand, why people are the way they are. Why they are horrible and cruel or pretty and handsome. Why their mind works like it does and mine like this. I can't work out where these people come up with the solution to a problem that I haven't even began to think about, why am I awake thinking about why people are the way they are when I'm the way I am. I can't understand why people are who they are, why they flick their hair twice before starting a sentence, or why they might curl up one lip in an attempt to show a comical gesture but I know they are just smug, why do people hurt other people or better yet why do people hurt the people that don't deserve it. Why does this frustrate me so much, and while I try to control my frustration about not knowing or not understanding these things I become In Raged, and I fuel my own fire as if I thought a match dropped in gasoline might not explode if you whisper "don't worry about it" or "calm down". I am calm or at least I'm trying to be, but I can't be! I can't be calm because that would mean that I had to focus on not being frustrated and do you know what is frustrating? Not being able to calm down because you are frustrated about not being about to calm down without over thinking the process, I mean I try to calm down, I try to do craft and things I enjoy and the things I enjoy are becoming un enjoyable because I'm to angry to do them, do you want to know what I'm angry about, I'm angry that my brother was hurt and that people get hurt, I'm angry about child abuse and abuse in general I'm angry that the world is and isn't the way I imagined. I'm angry at so many things so much of the time that I can't sleep because maybe! Just maybe my body won't hate something for a minute and we couldn't have that, I couldn't let myself get attached to the idea of sleep because then I couldn't hate it, so instead I make myself angry about so many things before I go to bed that I begin to hate bed! Because I can't switch off, I can't give myself that break and you know what! that frustrates me and as I'm learning I'm my own worst enemy because this a circle, a pattern and I can't break it, I can't help myself because then I get angry when I fail but I don't notice I fail, I don't notice any of this, I notice myself become tense and withdrawn and then agitated and I just want to hurt something or hit something because then I feel something, something I can control! Pain! I can control pain so that becomes an outlet but I don't want to hurt myself, well I do and I don't because I feel something other then anger and hatred, I feel pain and it's different and new and for a minute it feels like I can break the chain! Only I can't, because I snap myself out of it, so when I drive past that bridge and I think yes just turn the wheel and you see in your head the relief that this could bring and then you snap out and think no why, why would you think that and it's frustrating why does my mind do that why do I have flashes or day dreams of hurting myself or dying only to snap back and say nah, why is my brain fighting my body or my mind fighting itself its as if one half of my mind is fighting the other saying do it while the other is screaming don't! as if one half of me wants this and the other doesn't, it feels as though my my mind and my body are separate. And all the while someone has real issues, someone is at this moment slowly dying inside and all I care about it myself, only I don't! I don't care about me i care about others, people I don't know and their situations are shit and that frustrates me because why does it have to be like that and I can't stop thinking about these things that I have no control over, I can't stop it from raining, or someone else changing plans I can't make someone keep a promise, but you. CAn bet that I worry about it or better yet get angry about it, because why are people like that, why arnt all people loyal, or trust worthy! Why is anything the way that it is, why am I like this when I don't feel broken but rather in a constant state of falling apart. Like a porcelain doll with superglue and I'm glueing every broken piece back together while more and more things break off, so the doll has cracks but she is far from broken. She is worn out, cracked and tattered but she's not broken, but people would think that wouldn't they. Someone that is a little worn down and picked themselves off the ground and put their life back together some people might say they are broken. That's the problem isn't it other people's opinions. Why do people feel the need to have an opinion on someone else, why is that! It's not like they matter to you, I mean who cares right? Like gay marriage who gives a shit. It's not hurting you, it doesn't effect you so what's the problem I mean, YOU! You are the one creating problems for them! You're hurting them! Why do people do that! Why do they need to be so selfish so! so HUMAN. Why can't they just leave them alone! Why can't they leave everyone alone!
>Can a person really thrive to be someone else, not in features or in body shape but as in the words we read about these people, I mean they must exist, there must be people like that out there? Otherwise how would we know what to write. But then there is imagination so it could be said that neither all or none of these characteristics exist in a single person but then they always could. Do I wish to be like another or someone that doesn't even live in our world but rather in the pages of a book, between the lines in quotes from our favourite story's?
>People look at me and see a smile so how could there be anything wrong like my thoughts somehow manifest like ink on my skin and tell people I'm not okay, but I am okay only I'm not it changes so rapidly I can't tell anymore and I can't tell anyone because I can't explain what is going on I can't understand what's going on so how could I tell someone without the judgement because how can you be okay but not okay and that frustrates me because while I want to be different why am I so different, why does my head have so many different thoughts in such a short time that I spend countless hours trying to decipher the thoughts and while I pick at them like they are some sort of code to unlock the mystery that is my mind I find more things to pick at myself for they span like branches on a tree that only keeps growing in what seems like a never ending story of myself watering the very tree I intend to cut down but do I really want to cut it down because isn't the saying that is said to people like me "just be happy" if I cut all the branches and stop thinking I could be happy but then a tree without branches hasn't really grown has it so it could be said my thoughts are More like the roots of a tree spread out through my mind and my chest drawing what it needs from my heart and mind like that of tree that draws water from the earth, so the problem is the roots but how can you have a tree at all when there are no roots for it to grow so where does that leave me with no roots there will be no tree but with no branches I'm just a stump so what do I cut to stop being like this because if I change what I water and feed the tree then am I really me, was this really what was intended for my life to be
>Have you ever felt this angry.
>Have you ever felt insane*
i found my escape in drugs. i wasn't addicted but i used them to escape the empty feeling in my heart and to stop the voices in my head and it work! My god did it work, but i knew i couldn't keep doing the drugs forever i mean after all i had to much to lose i was a 23yr old network tech working in an industry that i was brillent at. So i walked away from the drugs after years on and off of it and all was well. that toxic relationship is gone, i have an amazing supportive partner now, ive moved 1300km away from the scum of my old town, i was thriving and i honestly mean thriving for the first time in a long time i didnt want to die. And then 2 weeks ago i found myself once again thinking about things i didnt need to be thinking about, unable to sleep. and night after night after night it has been the same thing. if i continue down this path no matter how happy and wonderful things are for me. i will destory it all
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self.offmychest
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It’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who has a mental illness [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Does anyone else get into self destructive arguments on the internet? A new way of self harm I've been doing is going onto /r/all , and finding posts or people I disagree with, and just argue with them for the sake of making myself miserable.
I'm pretty opinionated and compassionate about certain things, and I have pretty unpopular opinions, at least for reddit, and always get into these situations where I get upset, and slowly hate myself even more.
Anyone else had similar experiences?
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self.depression
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Physical Pain from Anxiety I'm finding that I've got pain in my chest and back due to my anxiety I've had all the necessary checks with the doctors to make sure it's nothing serious but when I have this pain it then lead to a panic attack and feeling like I'm dieing anyone suffer with something similar?
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self.Anxiety
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People have been asking me for too damn much and I think that's cowardly of them. and that's a bad foundation of a friendship. [removed]
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self.depression
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On monday i will start my first job ever.. In Amazon warehouse! I feel proud of myself [removed]
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self.depression
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My prozac has been giving me really freaky dreams. My prozac dosage recently got upped to 40 mg per day. I really think that it's helping! The dark thoughts still come, but I find myself able to fight them more often.
As for my dreams, though, they're getting pretty messed up. I'll describe two of them.
1. This dream happened a couple nights ago. In the dream, I found myself succumbing to Paranoid Schizophrenia. The paintings would beat like hearts, for instance. At one point I was sitting next to somebody and I asked them "Is this real?". I forgot the rest of it, sadly.
2. This one happened last night so it's more fresh in my memory. In the dream, I was picked up by my father so he could take me to an appointment with my psychologist. Why I couldn't drive myself, I dunno. Before the actual car ride, I had a brief conversation with him and my grandmother in which I told him to "Fuck off." (I'm starting to realize that his overbearingness during my childhood has probably contributed a bunch to my current psychological issues, so that aspect of me found its way in the dream). As I'm having an awkward car ride with my Dad, we get in a bad wreck. My left arm is broken so bad that a bone is sticking out around my elbow area. My Dad is unconscious and is way more severely injured. His skin and muscles from his left elbow down completely detached from the bones and were sorta just hanging above them. I call 911. I forget what happened immediately after, but I soon found myself in a house with the same broken left arm as before. I call 911 yet again and tell them that I guess I stumbled back home in a state of confusion. I woke up soon after, but not after briefly seeing a news broadcast of sorts that confirmed that my dad survived the accident. The report was accompanied by a "present day" photo of him which looked nothing like him.
These dreams are really uncomfortable to go through, but I oddly feel more refreshed when I awaken from them. I also really like how well the prozac is battling my depression, so I hope I'm not gonna get forced off it. I'm pretty sure these dreams are harmless, though.
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self.depression
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I wish I didn't have a crush on you. I never thought I could be this hung up on another person. I thought "butterflies in the stomach" was just a fancy phrase people use. I never knew I could spend more time than I'd want to admit daydreaming about another human being. We're technically adults and so I should be able to just go up to them and ask them out, right? And I want to, but it's really easier said than done when you have no real reason to. Also, what if they already have a significant other? What if they outright reject me and I can't even be friends with them after? What if I just don't think I'm good enough for them? And above all that, what if I never even get the chance to try?
I hope to see them next Friday, and I'll try my damn best for sure, whatever that is.
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self.offmychest
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I just had sex! I (M) Finally lost my virginity. I'm 21 he's 26 and we met on Grindr. He was super chill and we sucked eachother off, I sat on his dick, and we came on each others chests. I just had to let someone know cause it was so awesome! I'll definitely be hitting him up again.
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self.offmychest
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Haven't done anything in almost a year because of depression I haven't accomplished a single thing this year. I feel like I'm just wasting my life and I hate it so much. It's not that I don't want to do anything, I just can't. I feel useless. What's the point in living if you have no life to live
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self.depression
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I'm jealous of those who live in oblivion. I want to know what it's like to go to work and school while doing all the normal things in life without feeling overwhelmed and hopeless. I want to enjoy menial work. I want to enjoy the routine, but I don't. I want to know what it's like to ride life like a carousel without questioning anything, while being mindlessly happy. What am I missing inside of me that would make me normal otherwise?
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self.depression
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so guess im back to planning it now i just drafted a text trying to find a connect for painkillers. i was real fucking close last time, i know the concoction i need, now i just need the drugs. fuck
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self.SuicideWatch
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Well that was pointless. Just chatted with someone on national suicide prevention lifeline (online chat). I can't even tell if it's a real person or just an algorithm trained to repeat back part of your sentence to you with 'I can hear you're hurting'. I hope that people who need them more than I do get through to someone more helpful.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Struggling With Depressed Roommate My roommate is currently depressed, which is awful and I am empathetic, however she forgets that I am struggling horrendously with my own mental health at the moment.
I almost lost my father this year, he's getting old and is very ill, is currently on antidepressants/is suicidal. Our relationship has completely changed and he is a shell of who he used to be. I want to see him more but can't since I live away from home for university so it's very hard.
I'm in my final year of my degree and struggling to keep it together, it's a struggle for me to get motivated enough to take a shower. I'm at absolute breaking point with my own mental health issues due to family, uni, and myself and it's been a struggle not to self harm.
My roommate is currently depressed and has suicidal episodes. A few times I've went into uni to lectures/labs and have received messages from her saying she's at hospital and then she won't reply to any of my calls/messages. Most recently I stayed up almost all night with her before my 9am exam, I left the house at 8am and she messaged me that she was in hospital just before my exam (which I proceeded to fail), after messaging her to see if she was ok she refused to reply and I later found out she had replied to everyone else saying she was fine at the same time.
I am struggling to look after her and do my degree at the same time, I can't leave the house to work because she'll do something and I can't work at home. I want to visit my own friends and my dad but I can't, I can't sleep properly, I can't focus, I can't do anything right now.
I've tried to mention how I feel mentally but it gets brushed off as a "my depression is worse than your depression" - which isn't fair.
I told her last week that I've been referred to counselling and she awkwardly patted me on the knee and said she "doesn't do sympathy"
Sorry this post is so disjointed, I'm not very good at explaining things.
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self.offmychest
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People are dicks They'll tell you you're weird and then dislike the fact that you won't talk to them. They fuckin talk about you and everyone else and fucking love it when you show any sign of not being a 1000% "cool" individual, whatever the fuck that is, and I'm pretty fucking confident in who I am. Honestly just fuck people in general. Fuck em all.
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self.depression
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Getting Famous People as Friends? Is there any way to get Famous People as Friends, not because they are famous. I have no Friends, and they are my only chance get some.
Edit: Since I know no one else who I could start a friendship with.
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self.depression
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I don´t want to live in this society anymore People are just so fake and rude to each other . You ask them something and they just straight up lie to your face . I don´t want to leave in this society anymore with people like them . What should i do >.<
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self.SuicideWatch
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Is it still possible to have psychological and maybe physical symptoms even when you're not anxious?
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self.Anxiety
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DAE: Are other people afraid of telling friends/family they're going hypo? It's like I don't want to disappoint them and get their hopes up that "heerrreee comes MR. HAPPY HAPPY SMILE SMILE" when in reality its just as likely "mr. sad sad mcsadface" is round the corner.
I know that I'm a hell of a lot more fun to be around when I'm hypo, and generally a lot more functional, but I don't want to get expectations up in case the depression comes roaring back again, which it is likely to do. It's like "I'm feeling GREAT, let me help you do ALL the THINGS" one day and "halp, I can't get out of bed" the next.
Is there a way people tell friends/family that your in a "conditional" happy time? Like a probation period? Or do you just try to hide it as much as you can, like the rest of the time?
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self.bipolar
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Does anyone else's perpetual dissatisfaction and unhappiness ruin their most cherished relationships? [deleted]
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self.depression
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anyone experience this type of anxiety/OCD? This pertains to my OCD, I was wondering if anyone experiences any of these same things.
- Not Being Able To Drive (fear of doing something wrong/crashing/killing a person/harming a person by doing something wrong)
-Googling and rewriting the same things over and over again because I fear that I missed things. (I spend all day doing these computer googling- I have no life)
-Fear of Being 'Happy': jinxing myself and then something bad will happen
-Essay Writing: every sentence needs to be perfect and I feel that the essay is not good enough so I end up rewriting the sentences over and over again
-I need to write down everything that I hear because like what if it is of some significance and what if it is something that I will need to know later on.
-Fear of doing something wrong and trying new things because I fear that I will indirectly end up harming someone and cause like their illness
-Not Going to Sports Games: fear that my presence will cause the team to lose
-Can't think anything bad about someone because if I do, then something bad will happen to them so as a result, I knock my feet together to ensure that nothing bad happens to them
-Rereading/Rewriting: fear of missing out of something important
-Doing Schoolwork all day- because if I don't do schoolwork all day then I will be a bad person who does not care about their studies and like I can't go out or go to parties because then I fear that I will be a bad person. This prevents me from joining clubs at my university and prevents me from having any friends. It's so debilitating.
anyone else deal with this?
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self.Anxiety
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I canceled NYE plans to spend time with my mother who would have otherwise been alone [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I really wish someone could help me My dad just got up and went upstairs and said oh did you call to go to the anime club thing yet? (I dunno why he didnt ask last night but w/e) and I said no and he said well do you still wanna go and I said yeah and then he went downstairs and he did two very loud burps
he does loud burps like the guy from the simpsons early episodes that's at the bar I dont watch the recent ones so idk if he still burps like every episode but my dad used to watch the simpsons with us anyways he always burps like that but really really loud hes really loud (but he mumbles to me and I can't hear him)
last night I wanted to call the anime club thing but my mom told me it was too late cuz it was 4pm and to call tomorrow, that's the reason why I didn't call yet...
My dad keeps drinking Scotch every single night and then burping all day long and he doesn't let me get more than a 12 pack of beer each week cuz he says alcohol is a depressant so it makes you feel depressed he tells me, and
I can't stand it, last morning I heard him burp before I went to bed too
and all day long when he isn't home my mom always harasses me all day long
and my bro and dad and mom keep making fun of me
and my dad asked me to help move the pool and I said ok and he said are going out like that!? cuz I was in pajamas but I was upstairs and the clothes were downstairs and I was in the middle of going downstairs, of course I was going to change my clothes
and when I changed my dad said it takes me too long to get changed and my bro agree'd and told me it should "yeah it should only take [me], like, a second" but I seriously did it really fast and I came out while they were saying that and my socks were all messed up cuz I keep skipping steps and hurrying up and they still complain
and I complain about this on reddit and ppl say its a "drunken ramble" but I didn't drink any alcohol at all I usually don't when I post on reddit
aaaaah
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self.Anxiety
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I dont know what to do
When I was about 13 I started self harming. I had a few friends but I always thought in the back of my head that they didnt like me. Mostly because I always listened to them bitch about each other behind their backs and so I assumed they did the same to me.
When I was a bit older my older sister saw scars on my body and I poured everything out to her. She took me to the doctor but we lived in a small village where there were no mental health practitioners so I was immediately prescribed anti depressants. That made everything worse. At that age I was a massive book worm and loved to write my own stories and due to my depressive nature the stories were always grim and dark. I'd stay up really late writing stories and every single night I'd have night terrors. I imagine my own stories had something to do with it, but I stopped taking the pills and the night terrors went away.
A few months ago I would have said that eventually I "grew out of that phase", and that mood swings and feeling down is just what every girl goes through in puberty. It was almost an embarrassing part of my life so I've never spoken about it to anyone.
Im now 20 and going through the same thing, only much worse than I remember it. I'm not self harming, which is good. But I often find myself contemplating suicide. It's like there's too people in my head who hate each other and I am just stuck in the middle. I wouldn't call them "voices" as such, probably more like 2 sets of inner intuition.
I'm constantly at war. One side wants to be happy and normal and just do normal things and the other tells me I don't deserve it because I'm a piece of shit anyway.
Its starting to affect everything I do and I feel I've pushed all of my friends away because I've convinced myself that they dont like me, think I'm weird or talk about me behind my back.
There are days that I don't eat at all because "I dont deserve to" or when I completely don't get out of bed because, "what would i be doing anyways?".
Ive tried getting help through the NHS (Scottish health system) but they told mw waiting times would be 14 weeks for an appointment.
I even tried getting my own medical insurance but they told me they dont treat pre-existing conditions.
I don't know what to do. It's getting so bad that sometimes all I do is smoke weed because it makes me feel not as miserable, but I also think its adding to my condition. I don't think I will still be alive in 14 weeks at this rate..
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self.depression
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Help me sort this out I'm aware that this subredit gets these kinds of posts all the time, but I honestly don't have anyone else to talk to about this.
So basically, I have been depressed for the majority of my life, although I haven't been officially diagnosed.
Basically, it's my 18th birthday in a week and that sort of triggers me. I feel like I haven't achieved anything in these 18 years both in terms of character growth and healing from depression.
I feel like everything is going to get downhill from here if I don't do anything.
I am a very mediocre person and I came to an understanding that I won't achieve basically anything.
I'm supposed to graduate from highschool this summer and the real world scares the living shit out of me, since I have spent the majority of my life isolating myself in my bedroom and crying about my miserable existence.
This year was supposed to be my "healing year" and I'm not gonna lie, I did try. I tryed out yoga, meditation and even running, but nothing seemed to help me. Or maybe I wasn't persistent enough to continue doing.
All of my friends from the past, who also had issues with mental health are having the best time of their lifes. Both in the personal life and the academic one. And I'm still the same cynical, angry and depressed kid I was 5 years ago.
I'm sick of being this way, but depression and apathy is what I'm used to. It's my comfort zone, so to speak.
I really want to do a complete 180, but I don't know where should I start.
If you have any tips about both coping with reality and trying to improve myself, please list them, they're much appreciated.
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self.depression
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Chronic illness making me suicidal I have Hypothyroidism and it has destroyed everything for me..
Been on meds for 8 months.. feel worse
Would rather not be here anymore than Like this
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self.SuicideWatch
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Day ten of Sertraline/ Zoloft and still tired Seriously, I am sleeping pretty good but man I am just so tired and wiped out all the time. Really hoping this lifts soon!
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self.Anxiety
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I disclosed to the man I am dating that I have GHSV-1, and haven't heard from him since. Ugh. Sorry this is so long.
I have been on 4 wonderful dates with Bill. We have not had sex but we were definitely interested. So the last time we were together I thought we should have the sex talk. This is the point at which I exain that when I was 23 some dumbass performed oral sex on me and didnt tell me he had herpes and was very nice to share that with me.
I hate this conversation but it has to happen. I could tell this was a pretty big deal to him. I told him that I would understand if he didn't want to take it any farther. I told him to think about it, ask me anything but that I understood if it was a dealbreaker. He said he would think about it.
When I left, he gave me a hug(we have gotten to the kissing stage at this point), and as I walked to the car I was thinking to myself that it was the last time that I would see him. This was Tuesday.
Wednesday rolls around and I dont hear from him. No big deal. We dont talk every day and do not do a lot of texting in general.
By Thursday evening, I still haven't heard from him so I send him a "How was your day" message. He responds that he has a showing for his house the next day and is cleaning. I am like, oh thats great news, good luck! Then nothing. Friday. Nothing.
Now, I try really hard to let people live their lives and not blow up their phones. I am independent and not clingy or needy. But after disclosing something like this and knowing how humiliating this is for me, I feel like he could have reached out by now. Even just to say that he is still processing this and we can talk after the holiday or something but I get nothing.
Up until know, he has been the one initiating contact so when I reached out on Tuesday that itself was different. And then his response was so curt it left me feeling very insecure. I think I am about to be ghosted.
This is what pisses me off. If this is a deal breaker, then take the out! I offered an easy out! Why make me sit here and wonder and worry. Just end it. Or tell me you need time. Or anything other than do nothing. How can he not know that this would be on my mind?
I wish I didnt have gHSV1. I wish I didnt have to tell guys about it. I also wish people (men and women) would grow some fucking balls and stop ghosting people! I am 40 years old and dont have time for this bullshit. Just tell me it isnt going to work so we can both move the fuck on.
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self.offmychest
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Feeling alone and helpless, constantly scared. My husband is having health problems and I can do nothing. (25 F) [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Dry throat but moist mouth Hello over the past few days I have been experiencing really dry throat. I am drinking plenty of water but my throat is still dry! It's driving me crazy! The Strange part is that I still produce allot of saliva in my mouth. Any ideas What this could be? It could be anxiety but idk. I posted this under anxiety because I didn't know where to put it.
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self.Anxiety
|
A guide to the mind of someone contemplating death Wake up. It's hard to breathe. It's as if invisible hands are covering your heart and squeezing it. This is what the entire day is going to be like, except that it's everyday.
You skip breakfast because you woke up late to lessen the amount of time that you're conscious.
You take a shower and spend your time in there contemplating how the best way to go is and how people will react to different methods. You think about the one that will hurt the least people (which is not as hard for you than others as not many people really care about you, or remember you for that matter).
You eat, it doesn't really matter what as food doesn't really lose its taste, contrary to popular belief. What actually happens is that while it tastes exactly the same as it used to, you couldn't care less if it was the most delicious food on the planet. It's just sustenance and you approach it with disgust regardless. Food is food.
Some days you try to do the things that you enjoy, but it doesn't change the way you feel, and you're just going through the motions. You don't appreciate the sunset like you used to after running or hiking somewhere. Working out releases endorphins that make your body happy, but you're still thinking about when and where the police are going to find your body and how to minimize the crying.
On the days that you don't do anything, you rot in your room, passing the time with various distractions, like watching YouTube videos or playing video games, both things you, once again, no longer enjoy. But it's okay because they do let your mind focus on something other than the sweet release of death.
You eat dinner, stay hydrated, and think about the setting of your death. You want things to be perfect when you go-- the time of day, the place you want to be found, how you're dressed, who finds you, if you're leaving a note, what the note would say, and most importantly, how you're going to do it.
It's time to go to sleep; it doesn't matter if your eyes are open or closed-- you only have one thing on your mind and it's what's been drifting beside you everyday like a spectre or a dark cloud.
Add the unending sinking pit in your stomach that you've gotten better at ignoring (but will never be good enough) to your daily activities and you have a brief understanding of the day-to-day life of someone contemplating death.
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self.SuicideWatch
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DAE feel like suicide is the only way out? Tried meds, therapy, etc...all pointless, get dangerous side effects from meds and nobody can talk me out of my anxiety.
I have GAD, health anxiety, germaphobia/OCD, ADHD, DP/DR, mild depression. I can't really deal with the physical manifestations of anxiety. I've been anxious my whole life, but it seems to be getting worse.
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self.Anxiety
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How to deal with being alone when it hurts the most holiday season? I'm trying to think different with my attitude, glass half full, what I do have instead of don't have but it's the nature of the beast to feel left out seeing others with girlfriends, wives to shop with, buy gifts for so on so forth... I know that I'm responsible for my own happiness but I long for a loyal sidekick... it hurts
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self.depression
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Having a panic attack about money in the world. It's diminishing the enjoyment of things I love, like movies and show. Can someone tell me people have passion for art and not just for money :( I know it's irrational but I need help.
|
self.Anxiety
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