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I gotta give it to myself... I may give great examples of what not to do in life...
... But I also give great examples of what to do after one does what what they weren't supposed to!
*Big cheesey grin with thumbs up*
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self.bipolar
|
Didn't think I'd make it past twenty I think I've been suicidal since I was ten years old. That was my first attempt anyway. It was for something stupid, I don't exactly remember the reason, and the attempt wasn't anything serious either. Just the emotions were so strong. Ever since then I've had numerous attempts and I was sure I wouldn't make it past twenty.
But I turned twenty-one recently and honestly, I wish I'd offed myself sometime back. Life doesn't get better for me, considering I've been depressed for over half my life, I am not hopeful. The only reason I'm still here is because I'm scared to kill myself. Everytime I hear about a suicide, I feel jealous (sorry if I sound like a psychopath). I wish I had the courage.
Unlike before I don't think I'll ever kill myself. Not because I'm happy with life. Just because I am too scared.
Sorry for existing.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Wish I didn't have an "ethnic" name I am half "white" (Ukranian) and half Arab (Lebanese). I have medium skin, brown hair and green eyes and most people assume I am "white" or maybe Greek/Italian. Anyway, two of my siblings have Russian sounding first-names and two of us have more Arabic sounding names. I HATE how everyone I tell my name to always asks me "where are you from" or comments on how my name is "unique" or interesting. I changed my name in the Uber app because I was so SICK of every single driver asking me about my name and then proceeding to ask if I'm "a muslim" in an accusatory manner (I'm not, but there's nothing wrong with it anyway). I am sick of people assuming that I can't eat bacon just because I say I'm "half arab" after they ask about my name. It is so frustrating. The reason I'm asking this is because of something that happened to my sister last night. She looks "white" in appearance, but has an ethnic name like me. Anyway, she went outside a bar to smoke a cigarette and a white homeless guy approached her and asked her for a cigarette. She gave him one, and he started to hit on her and be a weirdo, and then he asked her what her name was. She said "Tala" and he commented that he never heard that name before and asked where she was from. When she said she was 1/2 arabic he looked at her and SPIT the cigarette out on the ground in front of her and walked away muttering. This man treated a woman who was nice to him, and who he was hitting on moments before, like trash simply because he found out she was part arab. Wtf?? I have never experienced racism (to my face) before, but this really upset me. I used to be proud of my heritage, but now I HATE telling people I'm half arab because many Americans get so awkward after they find out or assume I'm a muslim immigrant (even though I have an American accent). I am glad to look "white" in this political climate, but I feel like my name will cause me to face prejudice in the future. I do not want to hide my arab heritage, but it would be so much easier to have a russian name like my other sisters
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self.offmychest
|
I don't know how to leave a relationship that has me wanting to kill myself [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Anyone else unable to stay focused and committed to work? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I don't know who I am anymore I feel so lost, I don't even know what I feel. When I am around people I am so different, I smile even make others laugh but I don't feel happy and I feel like I am so fake. I don't even know if I am depressed or just dead inside.. I have to find myslel but where?? I remember that a year ago I started loving myself for who I am, I think I felt happy, but then I met with my old friend from past and suddenly everything fall apart again :/ I think I can be only sad that is the only emotion I have.. What should I do to find myself ?? I am still nervous and I know that I am trying to push away people I love, I feel like I don't deserve to be happy or I am scared that if I will be happy I will end up in tears again... I don't know what to do
|
self.depression
|
Oversleeping is the worst I can easily handle not sleeping enough but when I oversleep and miss a meal, or church, or an event it just makes me feel even worse about myself...
|
self.depression
|
To other people, the impressive part of being bipolar is how much we can accomplish while manic. To us, it's much more impressive to achieve the bare minimum while depressed.
|
self.bipolar
|
Why the fuck do i even try Why do i even try making friends?
I get rejected every fucking time, why the fuck am i so unlikable
|
self.depression
|
Second day of 20mg Citalopram, god help me I feel like I'm incredibly hungover. Can barely get out of bed, can barely walk, my head's killing, I feel seasick and I'm sweating like crazy. I also suffer from shy bladder, so because my body is in full anxiety mode it's now hard for me to pee even at home which I never usually struggle with. I feel really short of breath as well. Is this stuff normal? I know SSRI's are supposed to make you feel worse before better, but I didn't know it would make me feel this physically bad on just the second day.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Schizophrenia anxiety Sorry for the long text but here goes.
I feel as though I have been struggling with anxiety or some type of anxiety disorder for the past 8 months or so, but now I am getting thoughts that lead me to believe that it is not so.
I remember being anxious a lot when I was younger but it really picked up when I first started talking to a girl and eventually made her my girlfriend. We had sex (both virgins) and afterward I didn't think much of it until a few days later when I started to have thoughts that I might have HIV. I googled symptoms constantly and also checked my own body for signs of the illness for about 3 months until I finally overcame this irrational fear. I am not sure how I overcame it but I did. Also during this period I had fears that my girlfriend would get pregnant and that she might not tell me for some reason but I also got over those fears.
I am unsure how again, but during the summer months I started to have thoughts about the possibilities of me being gay or even transgender. I googled things like "when do people know they are gay" and "how to know if you are gay" these symptoms persisted still up until now and I get them from time to time even though I know I am straight. I also had a brief period where I thought I was a sociopath but I eventually got over this.
Now is when I have become the most frightened. I started smoking weed about a year ago, and last weekend I had an edible and I went home and ended up having what I thought was a panic attack. I sat in my bed and was could hear sounds that were in my room, like my fan, even when I plugged my ears. This freaked me out and my thoughts were also racing about being gay and harming my family and schizophrenia.
I have had one other panic attack type symptom one other time when I smoked weed but this one was he most frightening. I now can't get thoughts out of my head that I am schizophrenic, and I am constantly checking to see whether I am hallucinating or not. I feel as though I am not real sometimes and I chalked this up to the after effects of the panic attack from the weed. For the past week I have googled symptoms of early schizophrenia and I seem to have depression and social withdrawal which are both symptoms of it. For some reason this week I have also gotten very jittery when in social situations like around friends and what not and I'm pretty sure his is also a symptom of schizophrenia because I'm pretty sure schizophrenics get anxious in social situations.
I have also ruminated on my past obsessions like the ones about HIV and being gay and I now think that those were delusions and that I am in the prodromal stage of schizophrenia and it freaks me out. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I seem unreal or something and I am scared. I am scared I will become a burden on my family and that I will end up going crazy and be in a mental hospital and not be able to live a normal life. I just want this to go away and go back to normal.
This post is probably very erratic and unorganized but I did it very quickly because I feel very anxious. Can anyone give me some advice?
|
self.Anxiety
|
anxiety is too consistent for comfort always thought my anxiety was something triggered by the transition of adulthood, but now it’s going on 3 years of consistency and i can’t figure out ways to cope. e.g. today i woke up at 2a, was at the gym by 5a, and had to leave work at 2:30 because i thought i was going to have a panic attack and now i’m just sitting at home alone sitting/thinking/nothing to do because my meal is cooked, i’ve worked out, etc. i don’t want this to be my new normal its too consuming. i’ve been seeing a therapist since september but i feel like it’s not helping
|
self.Anxiety
|
Just slept for 14 hours I think it’s easier for me to just sleep and live in my dreams then face reality.
|
self.depression
|
Sitting in the ER like a moron after noticing red streaks in my throat and the subsequent panic attack that followed [venting][support] I've been getting anxiety every time I eat these days, on top of my baseline unease. I was trying to avoid my checking habits today, but after eating some pizza I ordered (was hoping to try and have something enjoyable, as well as high in calories because I need to eat) I felt some discomfort in my throat and decided I needed to look. Saw the redness and what looked like swelling in the back of my throat, and that was that. I'm alone, my husband is in another state without phone access, and I have no one else. My chest feels irritated too--is that the redness? GERD? Or just the anxiety?
I tried to go to a walk in clinic near me, but they were closed already. I had to drive 30 minutes to an ER, on roads I'm not familiar with, panicking the whole way. I knew logically it wasn't too serious, as my breathing was arguably still fine, but my face and hands were going numb.
The triage lady was very nice and assured me that even with anxiety, my concerns were valid, so now I'm sitting in a super busy waiting room waiting to be seen and told there's nothing wrong and they can't help with my non-problem.
I'm just so sick of this shit. I've been dealing with this hypochondria for a year now without any help due to problems the first half of last year and then our insurance and assigned providers giving us the run around after that. Had to switch insurances just to find someone that would see us in a reasonable time frame. I have a physical (and first appointment with this provider) on the 16th, but I'm not sure how I'm going to stay sane even until then.
I plan on bringing up all my problems and concerns then, insisting on blood tests and asking for mental health referrals and all that during my physical , but I guess I'll ask if anyone knows if I can get something done before then? Can I ask for anything here tonight? Could I go to my normal clinic and potentially get something tomorrow? I don't know, I'm just reaching out for anything at this point. I don't want to face reality that I'll be dealing with this for even a few more days (probably even more, given that I might not be given anything and anything I potentially get may need time to work).
I wonder if I'm going to have the courage to eat the rest of my pizza? I'll probably just end up throwing it away.
|
self.Anxiety
|
What am I doing to myself. I can't fake it anymore. Everyday I've been to school I've been so happy and nice to everyone. The majority of the class sees me as their friend. But it hurts me everyday to fake me being happy. I don't want to be the one I'm not. I feel like I need to do this otherwise I'll die. But everyone will realize that I actually have depression. Not even my family know, only one other person. Now I am basically gonna come out as depressed and suicidal to everyone in 4 hours when school starts. How are you even supposed to feel before you stop faking it? I feel so alone right now. I understand that I have over 10 people to talk too. But I cannot as I don't want them to need to care about me. If I don't care about me then they shouldn't either. I don't want them too feel bad for me when I myself hate myself. Sorry for the unnecessary post but I just feel alone and being able to just post this somewhere where someone might just read the title makes it easier to feel alone. Thanks for reading if you did. You're a wonderful person.
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self.depression
|
I'm anorexic since i was 17, now i'm 20 I actually hate my life... i know that, one day, i will die for this.
No one could help me and this is so sad, i say to every one who love me that everything it's under control but is not. I lost my control.... i totaly lost myself
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I sort of like Charles Manson He was actually pretty funny, super intelligent and interesting and he actually made some pretty decent music.
He was an absolute character and the ultimate joker. You can just imagine him imparting some deep cynical wisdom about human nature or how he's no different from anyone else.
Fuck it. I'd have a beer with Manson if I knew he wouldn't kill me.
Plus, he killed some celebrity's wife right? I'm not sure... but that shit fades into obscurity sooner or later. Why should I care about some person who was killed over 45 years ago?
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self.offmychest
|
Please help I dont know what to do. When i think about school, i get stressed and cry. When i think about my parents dying (which is hopefully years from now and i think about this a lot) i start to cry. I just think about the most random shit and it makes me cry. I stayed home from school today cause i felt so shitty from stress and cried at least 10+ times. When im at school, im continuously looking at the clock every 3 minutes hoping its 2:25. Its the worst 7 hours i could imagine, and i hate every minute of it. I dont know what to do. Please help. I have a whole year and a half left of this bullshit.
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self.depression
|
Caffeine now a new panic attack trigger? I drink a couple of cups of coffee daily up until last week.
After a night of drinking, waking up in the morning a bit hungry and dehydrated I drank a cold brew that was a bit concentrated as my first cup. About 30 minutes in, I felt all the symptoms of a panic attack happening. I didn't know what it was at the time, so I went to the ER just in case. The symptoms of numbness, left arm pain, derealization, and loss of presence of mind all occurred. EKG was normal and they attributed it to the concentration of caffeine on my blood.
Since that day, I've only had 1-2 cups of green tea a day as a substitute, and didn't experience the same symptoms. Fast forward to today and I drink my first venti coffee since my ER visit, and sure enough the panic attack symptoms came back.
Is it normal for high amounts of caffeine to be a new trigger? Obviously I'm going to stick to tea or no caffeine moving forward, but wanted to see if this is a common occurrence despite being a daily coffee drinker before this happened.
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self.Anxiety
|
Tomorrow I have an appointment with my GP to go to a psychologist - help me out please? Hi guys,
So I just made an appointment to go to my GP so she can get me to a therapist, can you help me with formulating my 'this is what I need help for'-question?
My (23F) mom (64) just left my house. She told me people should not bother me and that shit happens for a reason and that people get over stuff and that I'm trying to be special. I'm a wreck right now so sorry if this does not make sense.
I am afraid of people
I dont know what I should do with my life and I feel like I suck
I have pretty fucked PTSD from being raped at 18
I dont know how I can form that so that my GP puts me with the right therapist since the last one was a ADD-therapist.
How can I tell her what she needs to know so I can get te right help?
I'm sorry if this is not the right sub you guys. I really am. You just helped me pretty good and I like this sub a lot so I figured... I could try.
Love Dawn
X-post raisedbynarcissists and r/rapecounseling
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self.Anxiety
|
Reading about depressed people in relationships drives me insane [deleted]
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self.depression
|
My teacher caught that I plagairized my essay -fuck life my english teacher respected me so much in how i took on an idea and stuff and my grade was pretty high too, but he was very disappointed in me today, i got a 0 on the essay and am thus failing the class. i knew it was so obviously plagiarized but the thing is i did it at the last minute and i didnt have power in my home so i had limited time to do it in the library. Thus i rushed it and signifcnatly copied it from a literry jounral. I am a good student and would never do something like that ,seriously not kidding, if mymental health was better, but now no colleges will accept me now im done, everybody said i was promising but now i feel like there's nothing to life anymore. Its not just that though I also literally have no friends because my volume was low before and im still tryingto improve my speech, its hindered sometimes. Also im contantly bullied people who i thouhg were "friends" told me to kill myself, list goes on and on too much to list here. I have 75+ scars on my hand. I cut myself not just at home but at school, tried in every class including the bus but no one cares, even when I know they're looking at it. And my therapist that I got spwewed some new age bullcrap which made me more depressed. fuck life really lief is this meaningles piece of shit journey that inherently has no purpose why are we doing this whyhhyyyy?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? LIFE IS HELLL FOR MANY PEOPLE WHY DOES LIFE EXIST IN THE FIRST PLACE. NO ONE CARES. I might get a few friendly resposnes to this but I know deep inside that NO ONE cares, will ever care. keep getting your karma, real and fake. I sound very very very selfish right now but I'm to the point where I kinda have to feel lik ethis. I been yearning social contact a true fiend but nothign everybodys fake as fuck who cares tho you know were all gonna die someday
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self.offmychest
|
I have no inherent worth. My life is meaningless and empty and I hate myself My life has always been empty. Even when I was just 11, I knew that I did not have the right stuff for this world. I am alone. The more I think about who I am and my life as a whole, the more I want to kill myself. I have no energy left for anything else. No matter what I fucking do I am ashamed of myself either because of how I've gotten to where I am, or because what I'm doing is essentially a waste of time and a drain on resources. I don't plan on helping other people or contributing to society. I don't plan on making a life for myself. I don't plan on making myself better. I am shit. It's all my fucking fault too. I'm pathetic. Just plain pathetic. I will always hate myself. I have absolutely nothing to look forward to except heaven. That's my one saving grace. Maybe if I die, I'll get to go to heaven and the fact that I never forgot about my relationship with Christ will finally pay off. I used to think that non-existence would be better than heaven, but maybe when I come home it won't matter what I think and feel about myself anymore. This is the only way I can accept being alive, living with myself and my past and who I am. This world...this world is pain. It's all my fault. I didn't know what this feeling was when I was 11 because I was (and continue to be) emotionally blunted and calloused. I learned from an early age that I am never who I think I am to other people. I was never the person I desperately wanted to be. I am forever detached from my self. I will only ever acknowledge how deep in a whole I am until I get another fucking emotional epiphany like I am now, where I really look at my life and who I am and find I'm utterly disgusted and dissapointed with who I am still. I hate myself, and I will have to dissociate if I am to go on like this, until again, the next epiphany comes and I realize I am utterly ashamed to be me. I am ashamed to hear my name spoken. It's always just another fucking reminder that this is me. This pathetic man is me. I'm not allowed to be anyone else. I have to live with my utter failure at life itself. Fuck I'm crying now. I am beyond saving in any Earthly way. I give up on myself. Soon my body might give up on me too, regardless of what I do. I will never feel anything about myself that doesn't involve guilt or shame.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My family gave away my dog while I was out of state, now my panic attacks are worse than ever Hey everyone, I've never posted here before, but I want to share a story about my dog Bucky.
Bucky is one of the puppies that my other dog (Phoebe) had recently, and I fell in love with him instantly. Even as young as six weeks, he was so attentive and could always tell when I was upset. He helped me calm down when I was on the verge of a bad anxiety attack, and he was just a huge source of comfort to me.
A few weeks ago I went to visit my LDR boyfriend, who lives about 10 hours away. I was there for about 4 days, and when I got home Bucky was gone. My grandfather had gotten confused about something my aunt said, and believed that I didn't want Bucky anymore. He took all of the puppies to a shelter to be rehomed. By the time I got back and grandpa realised his mistake, Bucky had been gone three days.
We tried to get him back, but the shelter staff were very rude to my family and said that someone else had already organised to adopt him. He's now since been adopted and is gone forever, and I haven't been able to quite get over it.
My anxiety feels worse than ever, and I miss him all the time. I'm trying so hard not to blame my family and I think I'm doing a good job of hiding my feelings. They think that I'm over it. I'm not.
[Here's a photo of Bucky. ](https://imgur.com/xNLmhVk)
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self.Anxiety
|
I know someone is depressed, and there's nothing I can say or do They make comments about being overwhelmed, and they've mentioned being seriously depressed in the past in an offhand way. They show a lot of concern for others who seem stressed or unhappy, the kind of concern that you just know comes from personal experience. They just have that look in their eyes like they're really suffering; a look I rarely see.
But: they're the teacher and I'm the student. A subordinate. They're the kind of person who doesn't want to "muddy the waters" in any way, so professional relationships are strictly that. No jokes, no questions about family, no mentions of personal life, no discussions that are not related to work and in some form of meeting. They're so professional that they'd never open up to me or anyone else, so I can't do anything but watch them crash and burn.
I wish I could help, even just listen.
|
self.depression
|
Chest Discomfort I'm so sick of this, chest pains/tightness/tingling have been coming on and off for weeks. This current episode has been going on 4 days. I went to the ER for the 3rd time this year and once again they said everything was fine. Gave me 9 Ativan and sent me home.
Yesterday I felt better but today it's back to worrying. My chest feels so tight and i'll get a palpitation that feels like a knife stabbing me just randomly in my chest.
I need to call my doctor but they are closed today so I'm just going to have to wait until tomorrow. Why wont this go away? Anyone else been through this torture?
:-(
|
self.Anxiety
|
Does anyone else feel sick/anxious at work, even though they love their job? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
When you put no effort into a friendship, you lose it. End of story. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Not knowing what I want is what will kill me I think my hardest problem of dealing with this, is that I honestly have no idea what I want. A year ago broke off a 9 year relationship so they didn’t have to deal with my brain on a daily basis anymore. Since, dated around, tried to figure something out and it’s only gotten more confusing since. Trying to open up to someone yet again, feels like leading to the place I just left.
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self.depression
|
Anybody here with Manic Depression? Could use some advice, please and thank you. How do you handle relationships? Have you ever been in a successful one? How open were you with your significant other? I'm going through an incredibly low point of hypomania right now for the first time while being with this girl, and I can't help but feel like my mind is trying to turn me against her. She's done nothing wrong, but I feel as if all we had is gone. I think it's my defense mechanism against being hurt, turning how much I care about her into hate so I'm not the one to blame.
TL;DR: My bipolar disorder is telling me to hate my girlfriend.
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self.depression
|
venting i think when people see me, they have the perception that i have a decent life. i make a good amount of money, i make ends meet. i think my parents, friends, and clientele would be disappointed. the past few months, i've been depressed. i sleep 12 hours a day... it's hard to like being awake. i'm irritable and i snap at people. i drink every single day to make myself feel better... and then i puke it up at the end of the night because i drank too much. i battle with suicide in my head. i keep telling myself, 'no, no, that's not the answer... just go back to sleep. things will lighten up eventually..'
i've never felt depression like this before. it's awful, it's crippling. i can't even open up to anybody anymore. i never had a problem hooking up with people but now i can't maintain a relationship and nobody wants to be around me after they get what they want. i cry alot. i think about dying alot. i just haven't been myself, alot. i've been trying hard to hold on but i'm close to slipping. i hope somebody will understand one day.
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self.depression
|
How to get started on meditation and working out? I have become really lazy and due to my anxiety any extended work or time doing something of moderate intensity makes me feel worried or tired out until I actually work out or do whatever activity I need to do and I feel great. I want to get started on being more productive and happy with myself. But I don't know where to start and I get worried about not being able to achieve my goals. Or my idealized goals of being confident and happy. I'm rambling at this point but any help would be appreciated.
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm seeing a girl with mental health issues and I don't know if I can handle it. Im a 25 yr old who has been seeing this 19 yr old girl for about 2 months now. It was obvious when I met her that she had ADHD, but the further things progress its becoming clear she has quite a few things wrong with her. When she gets drunk she gets so upset because she feels as if she's not good enough for me, and forgot she told me she has a personality disorder. She clearly has depression because her body is littered in self inflicted scars, along with a couple fresh lighter burns.
My ex girlfriend claimed to have anxiety, OCD, ADHD and depression so I thought I knew what to expect and how to handle it. However I know now that she was full of bullshit because I've never seen anything like this. It sometimes gets really fucking frustrating because I don't understand why she has to wash her hands raw if she touches something red, or why she refuses to cross the street if there isnt a crosswalk, or why she flinches every time I move my arm.
She's the funniest, smartest, prettiest girl I've ever met. All she has to do is smile and my heart melts and I do whatever she wants. But theres a dark side to her, she doesn't talk about her family or her past at all. When I asked about her parents she got very upset with me. I just want to help her, she deserves so much to be happy, but I know I can't. It pains me to say this but I don't know how much longer I can be with her. I feel like such an asshole but sometimes I get so mad at her because I just don't understand why. This causes her to have a panic attack and then we get her calmed down but she obviously has a dependency issue so she'll never admit I was the one who caused her anxiety. We get along so fucking well, until an issue with her mental illness comes up, purely because I can't understand.
I made a throwaway incase she sees this, but if you do and you have a feeling its about you, i just want you to know I've never been able to say I'm truly in love with someone, and I've only known you for a couple months but anyone who had the chance to be with you understands how different and perfect you are. Im sorry and im trying.
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self.offmychest
|
Nobody knows you have anxiety because... It makes you overly-nice to ALL people, like when you bump into somebody you know (and hate) in a grocery store in your head you're like "I hate you so much, stop talking to me, I hate this place, I wanna go home and sleep for months" but all you say is "Thanks, what a surprise meeting you here, how are you doing! :)))))))"
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self.Anxiety
|
afraid of my dream So, I don’t know why I am writing this here, but maybe it will help me and someone can have a useful word of comfort or advice.
I am 22 and I have always dreamed of living abroad, specifically in Germany. I have been there twice and always felt sad for coming back, it felt like the right place for me. I also have a long distance relationship with a Danish guy, who I really love and have always wanted to have an opportunity to live in the same place as he does.
I finished school and we’ve arranged everything to get married and live together in Berlin, where I also intend to pursue my masters. It is what I have always wanted, my biggest dream coming true.
However, I am feeling so anxious about it. I am very close to my family and have never been so far from them before. I know there’s Skype and that I can always come back of course, but anxiety is crippling me. I had a panic attack last week and since then, I have not been myself.
The symptoms of anxiety have since subsided and I only feel punctual things (weird in my mind and heart palpitations sometimes), but it bothers me so much. I avoid thinking of my departure because that brings me pain and makes me feel even more anxious.
I feel like this fear doesn’t make sense and yet I can’t avoid it. I feel so bothered by the anxiety and afraid I won’t be able to go through with it :(
|
self.Anxiety
|
For all of my life I was deathly afraid of people getting mad at me, yelling at me, insulting me etc. I tiptoed around many people, feared conflict, and just plain avoided people. I just got over that fear and now I see how much of my life hasn’t been lived to it’s fullest. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I'm insane Last night, I heard my neighbor yelling for something. I was sure he was talking about me, how I'm a shitty neighbor and all that. I said to myself "you are crazy, you never even talked with the guy, why would he spend so much time yelling because of you...". didn't help. I think I've finally lost it.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm so done with life, I'm an untalented, awkward asshole who does not deserve to live! I'm so done with life, I have no future, my life fucking sucks and I just don't want to be here anymore, if anyone wants to help me, do you're best, but I'm just so done right now!
I'm going to hang myself tonight!
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Girlfriend problems. Needing Space...Or. Online girlfriend who has AvPD (avoidant personality disorder), today asked for space for the first time ever. We've been online dating for 5 months almost. I was a little surprised because she's usually needy, and I'm sure she's had some bad days within the past 5 months but has never asked for space before. I also understand space is a good thing. For it to get to the point of asking for space in my experience, that however is usually a bad sign. Things have been going somewhat downhill the past few weeks (being disrespected, ignored, put down at times). Today she was having a horrible day with anxiety, so I cheered her up, made her feel better. A little bit later when I asked her if she wanted to watch a show we frequently watch she said she needed alone time and apologized while asking for it. I told her that I understand and I'm here if she needs me. Is it more so she needs space for her anxiety or just from me and the relationship is going downhill? With the way things have been going the last few weeks, do I need to be start preparing for a breakup?
|
self.Anxiety
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how did i end up so lonely? all i want right now is someone to cuddle. i need to cry into someone's arms and have them feel my pain and tell me it's okay. i can't believe how alone i am. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Switching Psychiatrists Sucks! So my psychiatrist left her firm (which was on my insurance policy). Now I have to switch to another one because she went to a private practice. And all I got was a lousy letter. Sorry just needed to vent.
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self.bipolar
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Why do people hate me? I try to be as nice as i can. My parents get mad at me for everything, my mom just beat me multiple times this week. Im the kid who wasnt planned. Im the one without friends. I am the one who is worthless.
Im just waiting for the right moment.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Lamictal and abilify are messing me up inside! My pdoc recently changed me from 450mg of seroquel to lamictal and abilify. So far, I am on 25mg of lamictal and 5mg of abilify (it gets upped to 10mg in a few days) BUT every since I started taking these pills ( 2 days ago), I feel like crap. Yesterday, I was so nauseous and the only thing I could hold down was applesauce. I was even throwing up water. Today, I can hold down water, applesauce, and yogurt, but that's about it. It feels like the stomach flu minus the diarrhea. I'm actually constipated and can't go at all, although I feel the urge to.
I also can't sleep at all! I feel so tired, but I can't seem to make myself go to sleep and when I do, it's for 2 hours before I wake up. Maybe it's because I wake up in a big sweat??? I don't know, but I'm very tempted to take some leftover seroquel, but I don't want to potentially mess things up.
My mood has gotten worse too. I am so unstable right now and I know it takes time, but being a mother and going through these things at the same time sucks, big time. Does anyone have any tips that can make things easier for me until it passes?
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self.bipolar
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I'm attracted to redhead females a lot that I really want to be in a relationship with one. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Toxic family makes it impossible to get better Today I had a session with my therapist and afterward my sister called. Throughout the whole conversation all she did was remind me of the mistakes I’ve made with school and condescend to me about my job prospects and what a waste college was and about paying off loans. I’m aware of all of this, but she sees it as important to remind me constantly of how much I fucked up and how fucked I am. She also saw it necessary to call my interests in theatre a stupid waste of money, so now I’m too upset to go see a play I had been eexited about. She knows how to destroy the joy in everything.
I feel completely worthless after talking to her and I can remove her from my life or distance myself from her. If she wasn’t around, my life would be so much easier.
I already hate myself, I don’t need someone reinforcing all the reasons why.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I may never have her, my sunshine I swear I'm in love with this girl, she's one of my best friends. She has a really spotless reputation though, and she and those around her, especially her older brother, are protective of it.
I on the other hand could maybe mess that up for her. I may never get a shot at this girl that changed my life all because I screwed up myself before I met her. I don't really want another girl.
Just her.
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self.offmychest
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So I tried to kill myself... To make a long story as short as I can, I've been through four relationships my entire life.
An emotionally abusive one. (10 years)
A physically abusive one. (2 years)
One that I felt actually gave a damn about me and then told me to GTFO one day. (1 year, friends much longer)
And just recently another great guy who couldn't look past my insecurities from my older relationships. (6 months or so)
I'm a 29 year old gay guy.
These relationships have all naturally impacted me in a lot of different ways, but a common theme is pain and a strong lack of closure. With the last two in particular, I thought everything was going fine, and then one day a conversation would come up that they felt they couldn't be with me anymore.
I'm a fighter and a strong communicator. I've learnt to ask for transparency in my relationships. If there's a problem, let's work together to fix it, and be stronger for it. In these last two relationships (both of which were considerably happier than my first two) the end came completely out of nowhere and neither of them seemed to want to try and work things out.
So my last boyfriend broke up with me because he felt as though I didn't trust him. A lack of trust has been a common theme in my first two relationships - I have been cheated on and also caught them on apps like Grindr or Tinder. I tried to make this super clear when my last two relationships started that I have baggage, but I would do whatever I could to move past it. I wasn't neurotically distrustful and I would repeatedly say that while some things made me uneasy, it was my last intention to to make them feel like I was dictating what they could and couldn't do with their time.
And for whatever reason, my promises to try harder weren't good enough. I'm in group therapy at the hospital once a week and was seeing a psychiatrist once a week for six months after the end of my third relationship. I'm still in the group therapy. I'm medicated. This is me trying to get better and be stronger.
And it wasn't enough. My last boyfriend ended it. I went over with his things, we hugged and kissed in the rain, and told each other we loved each other and wished each other well.
And then for some reason while I was on the bus home, I decided that I didn't want to do this anymore. I was tired of not being good enough for people. I was tired of putting so much of myself into these guys I had brought into my life. I had felt suicidal before, but I had never gone through with anything, but as soon as I got off that bus and was stomping home in the rain, I had every intention of ending my life.
It's really kind-of a blur now. I took out my journal, which had a lot of comments about my last relationship in it, and a series of letters I had written when I felt suicidal the year before. I wrote my banking pin on the whiteboard of my fridge. I sat down on the edge of my bed and just kept swallowing [medication 1] tablets. I probably took about 20-25 of them, and I worried that if I took more, I might puke them all up. In hindsight, I should have probably taken my [medication 2] tablets as well.
And then I remember just crawling into my bed and going to sleep.
Except I woke up like 12 months* later in the middle of the night. My depth perception was fucked. I could barely turn my phone on. I couldn't enter the password right on my laptop. I felt nauseous so I didn't know if taking more pills would work or not so I ended up just rolling on my living room floor just being miserable about my life.
And the next day, for whatever reason, I told my ex that I had done it. I hadn't intended it to sound manipulative or like a guilt trip. I was just super transparent. I said that I didn't want to deal with these things anymore. He asked me where I was so he could come over, but he also called the police and the police came first.
I didn't want to deal with the police. I played it off as having a rough week and I was just going to go for a walk, come home, make tea, and go to sleep, but they basically implied that if I bolted, they would have to chase me down as per some mental health law in Canada. They just asked me nicely to voluntarily.
After 2 hours in the hospital, I went to my ex's place, and he was not excited to see me. I couldn't/can't tell if it's because he felt like I was using the suicide to somehow manipulate him back into the relationship or if he was mad because he was afraid of losing me. Maybe both.
He won't talk to me now, and I don't know if he'll ever want to talk to me again. I'm not close with my family (they are not big fans of the gays) and I don't want to worry my friends and be that "one friend" that tried to kill himself.
I don't really know what to do now. I don't really know what to do next. I don't really know how I should be moving on, or if I should be taking time off of work to just let the sand settle.
Help?
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self.SuicideWatch
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How do you deal with romantic relationships? Dear anxiety couples and you who deal with anixety in romantic relationships, please give me some advice.
I'm interested in a girl that I met some months ago. We are knowing each other, and I handled my anxiety better than I think I would do.
I was diagnosed with genral anxiety, but the truth is after I take the pills I noticed how anxious I were before in social situations. Now with proper treatment I can express and BE who i'm really am.
Though it worked well till now, my anxiety goes through the roof since I'm thinking about a romantic relationship.
I worry if she will handle it well. One day I had a little panic while texting with her, after I asked her to hang out (she accepted it), I started apologizing for being innapropriate. It was stupid. I told her I was very anxious because i'm kinda shy.
She is the most kind and witty girl I ever met, and don't gone bothered by it. The problem is the more I like her and ironically, the more we get intimate, the more I got anxious about not making her happy. Anxiety beats hard and i fell worthless and as if all of my friends hated me. Today I cried the entire morning thinking about not being enough for her, and I felt like trash. Even after I get better, I got a little anxious about my condition hurting her.
How do you cope with that? How your SO deal with your anxiety? How you told them about your situation? Any advice is welcome. Thank you very much.
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self.Anxiety
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Every time i try to talk about my problems, people just distance themselves from me.
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self.depression
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I was so close After refereeing my weekly Wednesday night hockey league I sat in the referees room and cried. I was there for a solid half hour after the game had finished. The same thoughts racing, but this time louder. I'm a shit friend, a shit daughter, a shit sister and a shit person. What's the point anymore? I left the arena and drove. Found a parking lot, and went full speed at one of the posts. The rational part of my brain spun the wheel and I skidded out. After that I drove home like normal and took my Klonopin, now I'm sitting in my bed writing this because I just want someone to know. Anyone. I was so close to hitting that post and I still have no idea why I turned the wheel to avoid the concrete post. No one knows. At least the meds eased my brain a little bit, I'm relatively stable now. Thanks for reading.
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self.depression
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42 years old with wife and 3 kids. I'm going through severe depression right now and told my wife I am not safe to be around with my mental state and I will live in my truck until it runs out of gas. My depression and past brain trauma are keeping me from working. I only have a 1993 pick up truck to live in and am afraid I will end it very soon. My wife ironically works in mental health and knows when someone is serious or seeking attention. I'm at a loss with no where to turn. I'm afraid I will provoke someone to shoot me or beat me until I'm dead, or worse, my rage takes over and I beat them until their dead.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Lately I keep myself alive by having short term things to look forward to. Several weeks or a month in the future. It does keep me alive and it is a better existence than when I had nothing to plan for... But I still don't see the point.
There's no joy or happiness here. I'm simply lingering on because it would hurt several people if I didn't.
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self.depression
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Anxiety about bars and Different Places Hey, so I have agoraphobia, but it even worse around "adult settings" (bars, clubs, etc). It was **REALLY** bad last year, and I've made big steps, (I can now go to the bar or the club with my roommates in the town where we all live) but whenever it's somewhere else geographically I start to feel anxiety creeping up on me.
So I'm in Florida now, and I'm planning on meet my roommate for a drink, and I can't stop feeling anxious about meeting her someplace here. I know what I'm afraid of is the fear itself, not the situation, but I want a way to quell these anxieties. Any advice?
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self.Anxiety
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I was doing so much better,really Between the months of August and October were really bad for me, my depression was terrible.but I got better and now I find myself casually suicidal. For example yesterday I was walking across the cross walk and an suv almost hit me but I just stood there,unflinching as it barreled towards me. I only moved after it stopped because my friend was yelling for me to get out the way. But I’ve realized that I do that a lot. I’m not actively trying to kill myself but I am wishing to die at every second of the day by something other than myself.
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self.depression
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Can a depressive episode last for an hour or two or is that called something else? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Mindfulness and Meditation I've recently started back on meds after my anxiety became unbearable and my doctor suggested I try mindfulness. She recommended an app called "Headspace", but I've downloaded one called "Stop, Breathe and Think". The idea of meditation has always seemed a bit silly to me but I've found that listening to the tracks on the app have really helped me to slow down my mind and get in touch with my body.
I thought I'd share on the off chance it helps someone else. I'd like to hear your experience with meditation or anything you find helps you.
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self.Anxiety
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Felt good for a while Got on a new med and felt good for quite a while until recently. I’m not sure if I need a higher dose or what, but I’ve taken more Xanax than I should have today and drank too.
My mom is trying to help and I appreciate her and my family so much.
I just hate feeling like such shit. My mind won’t shut off and all I want it to do is shut up. I don’t like having these feelings back :(
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self.SuicideWatch
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Why does she still affect me? I just need to put this down somewhere. I am amazed at the amount of effect and influence you have over me still.
You weren't there for me when I needed a friend, and I will never forget that. But calling me up out of the blue and pretending that everything is fine left me startled. I don't know why I played along as well. Maybe I should not have opened up or talked so freely. I should have kept some stuff to myself and let there be some distance between us. And then you didn't even tell me about your boyfriend. Well, that is anyway typical of you. What kind of a friend do you want me to be?
I don't know why I feel so bad that you have a boyfriend now. Is it my ego that is hurt? Maybe. Cause you told me you make for a terrible girlfriend and now you suddenly find someone good enough for you, is it? But yeah, I frankly wouldn't want a girlfriend who has to hide my existence to the other guys she talks to. I know you are a good person and your heart is at the right place, but when it comes to relationships, keeping them and maintaining them, I think you suck. Or maybe it is just our relationship that you sucked at.
Maybe this is fine. Whatever is happening is for the best. I will eventually meet someone who'd not be as painful to talk to, who'd be open and frank, whose privilege won't blind her, who would not be this manipulative, overthinking girl.
So this is it. I have decided how I am gonna interact with you. I'll be normal, like I am with Katie. I wouldn't volunteer any information, but will be the regular funny, chirpy me. You wouldn't guess I have any grudge with you. But I'll also never initiate contact. No sending texts, no help of any kind, nothing. If you ring me up, I'll be absolutely normal like I used to be. I think our paths have diverged and for each other's good. If you want me back, you'll have to work for it.
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self.offmychest
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I don't know what to feel I am 18 years old, and for the vast majority of my life my parents have been fighting non-stop.
I am confident that my mother has anger management issues. She once gave me a huge scar on my arm because she pushed me into a suitcase and a sharp corner somehow cut me. Either way, she is very loving and has made the most sacrifices for my sister and I to grow up well in a country where we do not belong in. My dad is very loving, but it is twisted into "I give you food and I pray for you to have a good life" which is sufficient for him.
When I look at them, I see two very sad individuals. My mother was dumb and trusted my dad when she was younger, he would borrow money from her and her friends to never pay them back and make promises to not keep them. My dad has not taken my mother out for a date ONCE during the time they were in a relationship. She revealed how she wanted to go back to their homecountry, and how dad told her to go back but refused to let her bring me with her. Out of shame, she never told anyone but me this. My mother cannot keep her emotions in tact once they spiral out of control and it causes a mess in our household. She acts like a child and uses insults to get her point across. Earlier today she asked me why I was being so rude. Mind you, my lesson started at 2PM and she had come and waken me up at 8AM after I've worked two 12 hour-shifts this weekend.
My dad talks extremely rude, you'd get annoyed as soon as you hear his voice but in reality he's a softie. Every time my mother would beat my sister and I he'd tell her to stop only to get yelled at. If I were to locate my mother's unhappiness, I would without doubt say the fault is in him. But he loves my sister and I so ridiculously much.
I've been suicidal for 6 years, was recently diagnosed with social anxiety along with depression and was given medicine to take, but I have not started yet. My parents worry endlessly for my well-being that I feel bad for them.
Now, I love my parents very much, and this story is only part of what I've been through, but regardless I know that despite their faults, they love their children.
As my mother revealed these things today I do not know what to feel. I've told them to get divorced, but financially it is impossible. There's also no way our relatives would help us. I love them but I'm starting to hate them as well. For dragging me into it, for not owning up to their own problems and for them both being selfish, childish brats that have no one to talk to, for having me at a late age that I have to worry about being left alone in this world with my young sister, for not seeking professional help only to put their worries on their anxiety-ridden child (me). I hate them as much as I love them.
And if my mother leaves us, she will leave my sister and I in the hands of a middleclass father who will not have the ability to take care of us financially.
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self.offmychest
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I considered killing myself but I'm too Afraid of dying Not much to add, I was about to hang myself but couldn't do it, I guess my natural instinct for self preservation is still high enough
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self.depression
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I'm terrified of the future... I just read an article about all the twisted shit going on with the YouTube Kids app, and how automation and the Information Age are having a severe impact on society today. Not some point far off into the future where the robots have rebelled against humanity, I mean **today. Right now.** And I don't know what to do. Fake news, Russian interference with US politics, political extremism, large multinational corporations invading our privacy, censorship, etc, etc... this is not life. This is a dystopian sci-fi novel.
I'm scared. I don't know what to say or do. I understand that technology has helped us in so many ways that have made our lives so much easier, but then I think of everything I've just listed above and I can't help but feel as if we've gone too far and can't go back. And technology keeps advancing at such a rapid rate. I don't know where we're going from here and it's eating me from the inside out. I want it all to stop. I want technology to excite me again instead of frightening me all the time.
I've heard people say that social media can screw with your mental health, and that you really should try to stay away from it as a means of helping yourself, but whenever I stumble across the kind of shit I mentioned above (either through casual browsing or my own curiosity), I feel as though I have a moral responsibility as a good citizen and a decent human being to try and figure out some way of fighting it and creating a better future for everyone; and that by distracting myself from social media, I'm really no better than everyone else for just minding my own business and "burying my head in the sand" because I don't want to hear about all of the bad shit going on in the world today, and that I should feel ashamed of myself for my ignorant self-indulgence.
I don't want to live on this fucking planet anymore.
Fuck everyone who says "it gets better".
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self.depression
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Poverty and bipolar Has anyone lived with bipolar while their family/them has been living in poverty? My family has since I was small and I feel like it has definitely worsened my mental state due to poor living conditions and fighting amongst family.
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self.bipolar
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Marijuana induced depersonalization and Anxiety. I quit smoking over 3 years ago. I am still not the same. How can one possibly try and convince themself that they do not exist? Recently I have been lucid dreaming a lot and that has caused the questioning of dream or reality? The human brain is a powerful thing, especially when it's being used against you.
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self.Anxiety
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Cold and Alone I feel cold and lonely all the time. My job is stressful and unfulfilling. I have no idea how to get a better job or how to meet anyone. I don’t exactly wish that I was dead, but it would be nice to feel alive. Every day I just feel like crying. I feel like I’m missing out on life and I’m doing it to myself.
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self.depression
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Something in therapy today that scared me I had a meeting with my therapist today and in it we were talking about how I would define myself in the context of why would someone want to date me/be my friend. Beyond a few interests I had a hard time defining myself being how I suffer from anxiety. This scared me because it made me think, is my anxiety really so much of my life that I have no interesting qualities about me. I'm now feeling like no one would ever want to date me because I have no real personality. Everything I do is just a result of avoiding my anxiety. I've never been to a college party, have never drank, don't have many friends, haven't been on any "adventures" that people like to talk about. Am I just a really boring person? How do I become more interesting to people?
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self.Anxiety
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I might be moving across the country soon, but I don't think I can do it I know this isn't traditional confession, but i really just need help figuring my life out. By the way, I'm 19 years old and a junior in college.
I've basically lived in the Bay Area in California all my life and I go to college in the same city I grew up in. I didn't originally want to go here but my mom forced me because she stated that I wasn't mature enough to go away to college and that I need to be close to her. Even though I was fortunately able to live on campus for two years and meet people, I always felt like I was missing out on being able to see something new.
Personally, i would just like to go to Southern California for school. I would have been content with that. However, in the past year, my mom has decided that she wants to move to the Midwest to be closer to family. She also wants me to instead transfer to a college out in the Midwest. Well I did that and I was accepted to a college in Chicago ( for clarity's sake, I was accepted into University of Illinois at Chicago). However, going there basically means I may never get to go back to California ever again. I love California too. I like the job I have working with kids, and even though I know its silly, it would kill me saying goodbye to those kids.
Right now I commute from home for college, but my mom said she would pay for my dorm and tuition if I moved to the Midwest for school, but she would only pay for tuition if I stayed in California. I'm so conflicted and I don't know what to do. I'm going to visit the school, and I just feel lost and I wish I could see what was going to happen in the future.
TL;DR: Might be moving to Chicago from California, but I don't know if it's the right decision. Would be leaving hometown, but may never get to come back to Cali.
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self.offmychest
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How do girls kick you out of their lives so easily ? [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Thankful to anyone who comments to help me I don’t really want to alarm anyone since i probanly wont commit suiside, ive been plotting it for over 10 years now and i don’t have the balls to do it because im scared of the way it might affect my parents. My parents are really nice and loving people, but my mom seems to have serious control issues. Im just another object or pet for her to micromanage and i feel like a robot with the remote in the hands of a maniac. My father could be equally loving but im not sure. He has a history of domestic abuse to me and my mom and is a real prick in general. He seems like hes a sociopath because of his incredibly abrasive personality (which ive adpoted too and have been trying to shake for a while because i cant make any friends at school) and also him just seeing himself as if hes on another mortal plane. Everyone seems to think im smart, but with the 2.7 gpa i have (currently junior year), im not going to get into any good colleges. I live in a place where anything that isn’t an ivy league or a public ivy like UCB or UCLA is frankly seen as a failure. The pressure i get from my parents being complete assholes to me about school, my looks, my hair, the way i talk, my lack of social skills, having shitty posture on a daily basis is something that i cant really handle. Dont get me wrong, maybe i paint them really poorly, but my parents are nice people in some respects. They buy things i need and want, give me a fair allowance, and take me to the movies, but despite them spoiling me i am too weak to handle my life. I literally remember being like 5 banging my head on a toilet seat because i just wanted to die. My nirvana is playing video games and frankly i play like 5 hours every single day and neglect everything else in my life because recently ive just give up. My parents dont allow it and give me even more flak instead of addressing the real issues. Can anyone help me for the love of god
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm a 23 year old depressed, binge eating, body obsessed POS and I just want to give up on life. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I'm sad. I'm sad. I know this is because I'm overtired. Instead of taking my mother's good advice to take a shower and go to bed, I want to go out clubbing, get drunk, and hook up. Why is this the only thing that makes me feel better?
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self.bipolar
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Does anyone here have experience with sSI? Hey, I'm 20 years old. I'm in school.
I've been treated for GAD and Bipolar since I was 14. Tried dozens of medications, we keep trying new things. My parents are very supportive, but I would really love to ease the financial burden on their end. Does anyone have experience with SSI? I have tried working multiple times, I cannot hold down a job because of the severity of my illness.
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self.bipolar
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NEVER Trust Anyone Ever The only times I've ever gotten hurt is by trusting. And this last time I did was the last. I was told that I would be given a call on whether I got a job or not and I trusted for that to be the case. Then found out a week later they only called the person who got it and then found out I lost another chance on a job cause I waited. Stupid me and now I'm broke with nothing but some pills and water to wash it down and end this sad life. Don't be like me and let trust kill you. Think that everyone is out to fuck you over and only trust yourself.
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self.depression
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I’m going to kill myself. I can’t live with myself anymore. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Why I Refuse To Go To Graduate/Medical School Right Out Of College [NAW] Right off the bat, don't take this as I don't want to go to graduate school at all. I would like to at some point. But I just realized something today that I hadn't understood about myself for multiple years. I had wanted to be a doctor since my senior year of high school, telling everyone I was going to do it and they'd call me Doctor ____. Something struck me junior year of college that I didn't understand at all. I no longer was planning to go medical school and I changed my plan to getting a masters right after instead or working for a year then doing it. That fell through too. I've had my mom complain to me so many times saying how wonderful the military is and they'll pay all your medical school loans and "how could you just give up your dream like that?."
This morning I've realized how bitter I am. You can talk shit about me saying that I'm lazy and I don't want to put in the time for more school or that I'm entitled and I just need to accept how the world works. I really don't care, I just want to live my life. What I completely understand but hate is how impossible it is to get a living wage right out of college with a degree and $30,000 worth of loans. Like I was just in school for four years of my goddamn life to get a higher education and it's worth $13 an hour? How in the fuck is that reasonable. Why don't I want to go to medical school right out of college? It's not because I don't want to learn anymore. It's not because I'm tired of tests. It's because I'm fucking spiteful of this system we've created as a society. I get that employers want people even for entry level positions that have experience and I see a lot of people complaining about that. It just makes sense and it's more cost and time efficient. But there's a clear difference between "you should go for a masters/doctorate because you'll make more money and be more satisfied because of your increased responsibilities" and "you need one of those degrees because you can't do anything with JUST your B.S." If you're one of those people that can go get it right out of college, good for you, but I'm stubborn as shit and I won't have it. I want to make my own way with the effort that I've put into it already. I'm ready to work and I want to start a new chapter of my life.
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self.offmychest
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Just venting I guess Things haven’t been going well for me lately. It all may sound like no big deal. But my mind takes things and makes them bigger than they need to be. Anyways. I graduated high school in May and was actually very excited to study music in College and to begin my long journey in being a music performance major. Now for 7 years my passion was music. I’ve dreamed of playing in the greatest orchestras and bands and even the presidents own marine band. The summer went by surprisingly fast and I found myself slacking on practicing my instrument and lacking the motivation to do so. It made me very stressed and confused as to why I can’t make myself do all these things. Anyways, I started University and things were going great until I got very very overwhelmed a good ways in. I didn’t know what I was doing and if it was right for me and honestly going to school made me VERY depressed and so did graduating high school. The transition was dreadful and it didn’t seem to go away. Everything I thought I knew about music was wrong and I couldn’t get myself to learn any of it at all. I felt very stupid. I dropped out of college. That did make me very relieved and somewhat happy for a while. And then I started to lose all of my friends. I had no one except for my boyfriend. I didn’t want to face my family and tell them that I wasn’t going to school anymore. And the thought of disappointing literally everyone in my life made me fall back and I was worse than I was to begin with. Blah blah blah this goes on for a few months and I just decide to join the Air Force. Now I was actually very excited when the recruiter shook my hand and congratulated me on joining. Until I knew I would be disqualified for having self harm scars on my legs due to middle school me being dumb and dramatic. So now I’m here. With a mindset that nothing ever will go my way and everything gets worse. Thanks to whoever read this. I just can’t deal with this any longer.
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self.SuicideWatch
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tired of people telling me to "be positive" or "cheer up" I really wish people (friends/family) would recognize that being depressed isn't a controllable thing. If I had the choice, I would choose to be a happy/positive person. I'm trying but can't help it. :( anyone else struggle with this?
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self.depression
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I was raped and now my period is late. I think I'm pregnant and I want to die. [removed]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Does anyone else feel scared to do anything big because you know you're just going to fail? I was diagnosed with MDD several months ago (although I've had it for years- I just never tried to get help before). After many, many med changes, I think I'm finally on the right one. I feel better overall, and I'm still seeing a therapist which has also helps me.
Lately I am very unhappy with my job. I would love to start my own business, but I just keep thinking, somethings going to happen, I'm not going to feel this good forever, and I'm going to fail.
Maybe that's part of this- anyone who has started feeling better- because of meds or whatever- do you constantly have that fear that it really not gone and it's inevitably going to come back so what's the point? What's the point of trying to do something that you really want to do, because there's ultimately no point? Sorry, now I feel like I'm rambling.
Is there any way to get over that feeling? Or do I just need to give it time? Thanks for listening. ~Jules
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self.depression
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Almost tried to kill myself for the fourth time I'm currently in a really bad mixed state. I've left an abusive relationship with a man and moved back in with my abusive and controlling parents. I thought I could stay here and go to university. I might have to give up on that dream. I just feel so... angry and depressed.
I drove to the middle of nowhere to end it but lost the nerve. I didn't want to wake up in ER. Last time I did everyone was horrible to me and when I got back to the chaos at my parents house I immediately went back to feeling shitty again.
I just feel like I can't go on and that my optimism for the future was just unrealistic. I feel broken and defective.
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self.bipolar
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I’m having a hard time making and keeping friends. When I was under 10 years old I had no problem making friends. The problem was we kept moving to different schools, churches, and neighborhoods. After awhile it became harder and harder. It didn’t help that I gained a mentally abusive stepfather at 10. People seem to like me and enjoy talking to me while I’m at work but it usually ends there. They will occasionally invite me to things but not very often. I like hanging out with people but I have a hard time initiating it.
P.S. I have generalized anxiety disorder.
Any tips?
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self.Anxiety
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I want to end this pain... I just want this pain to end. There's no amount of prescription drugs or therapy or love that could heal me. Today, the last of what I had of my soul died. The feeling of loneliness drives me insane. I'm in the darkest of all dark places. I'm a danger to myself because I keep hurting myself physically and mentally. My thoughts are driving me mad. I hate myself, completely. I'm a lonely 19 year old artist who has no motivation to move on with life. I don't think life is for everyone because it isn't for me. It doesn't matter how many times someone tells me that I'm stronger than what I think. I can't feel it. I'm so numb. I'm slowly losing this war with Depression.
I just want someone to save me before I fall to the point of no return. I just want to be saved. I'm too weak to save myself. I'm at the end of my road.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Hopeless I’ve had anxiety all morning. I’m so tired. I feel really sad. The world just seems to make it clear to me over and over again that I don’t belong in it. When I look up I see a lot of mean and seemingly snotty girls with good men that practically worship them. Meanwhile the only men that treat me well are taken. I wish they’d stop tormenting me. When I was a teen I made the mistake of opening my mouth to my mom and sharing “wouldn’t it be so cool if I could find a guy like (insert favorite character) in real life?” I was a stupid kid but I had some hopes. Anyway, long story short mom shot that down. Over the years she shot down any happy feeling I had about relationships. If a man felt my forehead for a fever when I was out and not feeling well, I’d relay this to her to say I kind of likes how that felt and get a response like “well don’t get your hopes up. Most men aren’t like that.” She told me men are stupid and ignorant and inattentive. I’m afraid that the ones who aren’t wouldn’t want me anyway. I took the phrase “become who you want to be with” seriously and tried to work on myself. I tried to become polite, well mannered, clean and easy to live with, considerate, etc. I practiced compromise and doing things that were inconvenient for me so that I’d never get too used to just focusing on myself. I tried to be someone worthy of everything I was asking for. I tried to be someone who could give back in a relationship. Years later I have some ideas of what I like and long for in a man or relationship but my moms words (there were many more, not just what I shared) echo in my head that there isn’t a man like that out there. At least, not one for me. I created a world in my head with my idea of a wonderful couple in it and unfortunately that’s what I have to live through though I’d kill for it to be real.
My family is hard to be around. My mom and I have extremely different ways of being and seeing. When I’ve tried to tell her when I feel sad and hurt sometimes I get something like “well THATS just stupid,” and the like. I tried to point out that this is why I don’t like sharing my feelings with her when she profs me (if she wants to know something she’ll prod me until it comes out; I have a whole different story of trying to leave the house as an adult when I didn’t want to discuss my dating life with her and her and my dad cornered me, forced me back into the house and got everything out of me that they wanted to know then while I was crying told me in this disgusted voice “get yourself together”). They wonder why I don’t like to visit them. I don’t feel safe, accepted, or understood. Whenever I bring it up that I don’t like something that just happened it always gets thrown back on me (“well if YOU... etc”)
It doesn’t help that I am part of a church that stresses that families are eternal, and that marriage is needed to get into the highest level of heaven. I was told that those of us who were apparently not good enough to be loved will be servants to those who were. Nice. Solution? Don’t go to heaven. Kill myself.
Meanwhile, my friends talk to me only at their convenience. I initiate talking and texting and if we make plans I’m the one that sees everything through. Half the time they can’t even be READY on time. One of my friends who always stood me up called and wanted to hang out at a park. I picked her up because she can’t drive and we went to the park. Turns out she just needed a ride there because she was meeting a boy (who she was cheating on her boyfriend with), so she went with him and I got left. Later she has the audacity to tell me about one of my other friends “once a cheater always a cheater”. And since being with this guy she seems to think she knows everything about life and love. My friends go weeks without talking to me, choose when to respond to my texts, and never answer my phone calls. I tried not to be over bearing, I didn’t call often or text more than average. I’ve given up. Screw them. If they contact me now they’ll be ignored. I’m obviously not remotely important to anyone.
I want to die. I wish I had the guts to kill my self. I want to die so bad.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Merry Christmas mom, you get a dead kid as a gift The timing on this really couldn't be better it seems like, me ending my life right before Christmas, very...poetic. I really don't mean to hurt anyone but I just can't handle this anymore so I'm checking out for good this time.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Health anxiety sufferers: Check out the anxiety guy on YouTube. He has lots of videos specifically on health anxiety. His videos calm me down from really bad panic attacks that's nothing else can calm me down from
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self.Anxiety
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Life is getting better on every front, but I just get sadder...I dont know if I'll ever be happy [deleted]
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self.depression
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Going to see a psychiatrist for the first time I have been to psychologists before and the one i am currently seeing has referred me to see a psychiatrist tomorrow. I haven't ever been to a psychiatrist before and I was wondering what it's like.
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self.Anxiety
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I don't like hanging out with my friends anymore I've always been an introvert. I didn't have many friends until I was in 3rd grade and since then I've kept a tight little handful of friends that I hang out with.
A few years ago I got into an amazing relationship. Things moved super fast and we ended up moving in together super fast. I found that she was my best friend and that we both wanted to do everything together. Call it what you will. Codependence? Sure, but I was happy. I enjoy being with my partner as much as I can. We're the best thing in each others' lives. This wasn't my first relationship, but I've always loved the idea of my partner and my friends getting along and hanging out frequently. But my friends have always been a bit of a boys club. It's only the boys and the boys only. I tried to be accommodating. There were times where we all hung out together and times where it was only us boys. But I found this boys club thing annoying and I ended up spending less and less time with them. They'd complain about me not hanging out with them, but I didn't have the time. Only one of them is in a long term relationship and they complain about him not hanging out with them either.
I'm the only one out of all of them that have a job in their field of study. I spend 8+ hours a day around my coworkers. All my friends are heavy drinkers. I can't have more than 2 beers because my body doesn't like it. I had a beer yesterday at work since I was working late, and I ended up having a migraine for the rest of the night. Do you know what their solution is? I need to drink more so my body gets used to it.
One of my friends has a serious problem with alcohol. He's blacked out several times and has driven, asked a friend to pick him up then go missing for the rest of the evening when the friend was driving around, and sometimes gets aggressive. He's punched me a few times while drunk. Sometimes my friends like fighting when drunk. I'm not about that. I'm not a guy that stays up late anymore. My work schedule has regulated my sleeping more. I can't sleep in past 9am and I don't function well off little sleep. On Friday nights, I get drowsy around midnight depending on how I slept the night before.
Do you know what I want to do after a long day? Go home and hang out with my partner. I don't want to deal with drama. I want to go onto the next stage of my life. I don't want to go out and get plastered. I don't want to do group projects that involve my field outside of work. I just want to exist and be ME. Not who other people say I should be.
The more my friends complain about me not hanging out with them enough, the less I want to hang out with them. I'm probably in the wrong here. They miss me. They want to see me. But I don't want to be a part of this boys club anymore. I try to keep things amicable, but they just complain all the time. Just stop, please. We're all grown ups here. Our lives are splitting apart. We don't hang out as much because we don't see each other 8+ hours a day for school. Guilt tripping me into hanging out won't work.
If you want to give me advice or you opinion, go ahead. I'm just tired of this shit. I don't know what to do anymore.
Will I ever have a best man at my wedding?
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self.offmychest
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How do i stop feeling so anxious and angry about seeing the guy who assaulted me [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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i'm scared a couple months ago, i had been crying, getting breakdowns and panic attacks every day. it got bad enough that my uni counsellor referred me to a local mental health service, they sent 2 nurses to my house, then they forced me into a psychiatric hospital because i wasn't safe. i was in there for 20 days. it saved my life.
i've been out for exactly a week now and they put me on Lexapro and i don't think it works at all. i don't even get side effects. lately i've been getting worse everyday, more and more nihilistic. i need help. i'm not sure if i'll last until my next appointment on wednesday. i'll need to write a new note. the nurses took my last suicide note. i'm really scared. and really alone. thanks for reading. i don't expect any replies.
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self.depression
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When all is lost, there’s only more room to gain! Here’s a lil motivation for you folks.
Within the span of my last 5years, major changes & deficits lead to me having major depression (from recent to last recall):
• Aunt fighting cancer
• Grandpa having bone infection & due for major back surgery
• Learning I might have autism / asperges
• Grandma having Alzheimer’s
• Multiple deaths within family / friends
• Career crashes
• Financial struggles (making money & getting stabled work)
• Unemployment & trying to crack online business
• Filtering out my friends to be more focused on my career & protect myself from bad influences
• Ending a relationship with a girlfriend of approx 1year
The list can go on..
But thru it all, I’ve learned to be num of the pain and losses. And that with every loss, there’s a greater blessing waiting on the other side.
It’s taught me to focus & dive into my passions, and really create more value within myself.
Here’s to taking strides forward to healing and blessings to start pouring!
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self.depression
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suicide by freezing to death I just want to go outside and freeze to death.
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self.depression
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You are the university you went to. This is how it is *every time* with my family. They only care about where you graduated from, what your title, and how much money you are making.
I didn't go to the "right" school. My parents said it would be too expensive. However, my sister got in and they let her go.
Bad things happened to me at that school. By sophomore year I was so depressed I would randomly cry and never get out of bed. I told my mom but she said it would be too expensive for me to transfer... So I stuck it out.
I decided to get two "bogus" degrees: Communications and Psychology.
The only thing I've been able to do is sales. I hate it. I've been trying for CS roles, but I'm not really into that either. I don't know what I am good at.
I moved out because I couldn't take the negativity, the abuse, the pressure. My dumbass thought it would be a good idea to move in with a boyfriend about a year later and totally ignore his abusive/alcoholic tendencies.
Before I knew it, I was back at home, dealing with the same shit. I'm more lost than ever. I don't know what I want to do with my life.
I didn't graduate with a very good GPA, because I literally did not care. I want to get my masters, but I don't know in what.
Part of me wants to *NOT* care about money. That's all my family talks about. How much money they have, how much more they want. I've reached out to my extended family, but they don't want to have anything to do with me. They are busy being doctors, assistant marketing managers.. too good to talk to me because I went to a shit school.
My little sister does the same thing to me but the hardest part is, I love her unconditionally. I can't help myself. I want to protect her and do things with her. She's not that interested.
I'm going to therapy but I'm not making enough progress or making it quick enough.
I'm having a hard time finding a job and I can't help but think it's the school I went to. Apparently they love me in the interviews, but I get the same response back. *"We love your background and your personality, we just don't think you would be a good fit. We will definitely keep your resume on file."*
**WTF DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! Please some one help me with this** Isn't what an ideal candidate is? Their background and their personality? I don't understand this. I'm frustrated and losing hope.
I feel lost and unfulfilled. I know I need to move out, but I can't because I have no job. My family sees I'm working my best but still struggling, and instead of helping I get "We're rooting for you!"
I told my mom about my anxiety and she said, "Just get over it. Jeeze. Do you know how much shit *I* go through??"
The people I want unconditional love/support/approval from don't do that kind of stuff.
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self.offmychest
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Anxiety about lower back pain Hello, I'll start off by saying I'm 21 years old and my mom's side of the family has historically had bad backs, and ever since I've been about 15 or 16 my lower back has started having problems sometimes where I get a shooting pain in my very lower spine which is usually triggered from sitting in a computer chair for a long time or heavy lifting my lower back. I'm pretty sure its a herniated disk, but I've never gone to a doctor for it.
On an average day, my back doesn't hurt, so I don't want to make it sound like a chronic problem. But in general my back and neck are stiff and I have those lower back pains about once or twice a month. When my spine starts stinging the way it does there is no way to control my body because my spine essentially gives in. I have a very bad habit of cracking my back and sometimes if I crack it the wrong way it stings. I know that sounds awful that I do that lol.
Anyway, there are certain times like right now where I was just gaming for a while, and when I went to stand up my back completely gave in and started hurting like a bitch. After it started hurting my body went into a full fledged panic where it was shaking uncontrollably and my chest was very tight. Typing this out has calmed me down though.
I mostly made this post to get out of my panicked state, which was actually successful, but if anyone has any advice or words I'm down to hear them. I should probably go to a doctor but I'm really not sure there's anything at all they can do without requiring surgery. My mom's back is quite bad at a young age, and she said hers wasn't as bad as mine when she was my age,so I'm pretty worried that I'm gonna grow up to develop chronic back pain. I also worry, while I'm having these "episodes," that the pain in my lower back can somehow cause worse damage to my spine overall and break it or something, which is usually what sends me into a panick.
Thanks for reading, have a good one yall.
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self.Anxiety
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Everyone close to me would be absolutely chuffed if I died Not an opinion but a fact
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self.SuicideWatch
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How do i talk to my parents about my Anxiety? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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"Would you rather live as a monster, or die a good man?" This quote from "Shutter Island" has really stuck with me ever since the first time that I saw the movie, now, after being accused of a henious crime that i didn't commit, it's taken on an entirely new meaning. Im a good person, but ill admit im a coward. I wouldn't survive in prison, especially if i was an accused sex offender, but i wouldnt want to go on with my life even if i did as all those i care about would think that im a monster. Im Buddhist, but don't believe in reincarnation in the way that most people think Buddhists do. I dont believe that there is a "soul" that transfers over to another vessel after death. The concept of the soul arose as a solution to protect the ego, as problem solving machines (which humans are) we regard death as "the ultimate problem" which is why the concept of the afterlife is a thing. It's a solution to that problem. I have now narrowed down my problem to two solutions. Im an organ donor, so i can either go to the hospital with a note tied around me saying that i would like my organs donated and shoot myself, or i can go into the woods and try to live as a hermit for the rest of my days and read and meditate in the time im not scavenging for food. If caught, do the prior option, although i dont know if my organs would be in good shape for donating by that time. Neither one sounds very appealing in all honesty, but these are my two choices. Advice is appreciated. And no, im not gonna hope and pray for a miracle to happen for my exoneration, because it wont come. I really am just trying to get the most logical solution out of my predicament, not trying to let emotion cloud my judgement and asking advice for the most logical course of action.
Im a healthy 21 year old so my organs are in good shape 👍
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self.SuicideWatch
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Did turn out how I thought it would How long until you should be completely over something? I’m at Day 1117 and I’m still not over it.
Just over 5 years ago I was in an abusive relationship. I legitimately thought I’d be stuck in it forever. Then by some fluke I met her online. She lived in a different country. She was in a bad relationship as well. We talked in secret and she changed my life more than I think she will ever know....It was her who gave me the reason to leave my bf.
Getting to actually speak with her was a rare treasure because of time differences and our situations. I would wake up at 3am just so I could message her. We traded photos and that sort of thing but we never actually met face to face.
She came to mean everything to me. She was my sunshine. We had songs that reminded us of each other...and honestly I’d never been as happy as I did for those couple of years.
It was corny as hell but everything about life seemed that much better....I would walk around like an idiot with a smile on my face as I thought about her, and I had an energy and purpose that I’d never had before. She became my sunshine, my everything. I loved her....and I still do.
Then one day, exactly 1117 days ago I never heard from her again. We started the morning just messaging each other and then had a phone call and spoke for a long time. She was crying because she’d been unwell and stressed...it was killing me that I couldn’t be there, couldn’t wrap my arms around her. I stayed on the phone and it seemed okay. We had some little laughs, told each other how much we loved the other.
Then we hung up. I’ve never heard from her since.
Sometimes now I’ll go days without thinking about her. It never lasts. Even now, this long after she disappeared, I still cry.
When she left, I went to a bad place. A place of alcoholism, a place of self harm and lots of other things...but no point getting into that.
Will I ever be able to forget Janet? Her laugh, her smile, her selflessness, her shyness, her humour, her voice? Everything out her was my perfection. I’m not sure that I’ll ever “get over” or forget put my Sunshine
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self.offmychest
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My girlfriend could be pregnant. Hey guys. This has been bugging me for the past few days. My girlfriend could be pregnant. She hasn't had her period in 47 days, and although she is irregular and last year she didn't have her period for 49 days, I can't help but feel paranoid. I felt the same way last year when she was super late as well. We've never had sex but now my mind is making me recall all the sexual things we've done, and making me paranoid that maybe while giving me a handjob I accidentally came around her vagina, or without us knowing a drop of it flew on her vagina, and we never noticed. I'm also afraid that after cleaning up the mess a little bit may have got on my finger or nail and I didn't notice, and I fingered her afterwards. I don't know. My mind is probably just playing tricks on me, bc I really don't think any of that could have happened, but just UGH, I can't help but be paranoid. The other problem is we are only 17 and our parents don't know about us being together, and would never allow it. I don't wanna tell her about this either, because she isn't worried at all and thinks its just her being irregular. She's probably right but I don't wanna add stress to her about being pregnant, which may delay her period even more. It just pisses me off because so many more kids our age have sex while unprotected, and I may have accidentally gotten her pregnant without even having sex.
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self.offmychest
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I'm pretty sure my mom hates me, and objectively speaking I know I deserve it I'll start from the beginning. My dad died at a very early age and my mom was left to take care of me and my sister on her own. All things considered she was a very good parent. She did the work of two parents while bouncing around several different jobs, and she was very present in our life. My mother was the only parental figure in my life until I was 11 or 12. We had what I consider to be a healthy relationship at this point.
My mother and I were always sort of destined to butt heads just because of the way we are. We're both strong-willed and opinionated, and I've always had somewhat of an ego problem. We frequently got into small arguments that never really escalated, and looking back today I'm of the opinion that they were mostly harmless.
The biggest turn in our relationship would have been at the start of my senior year when my mental health started to deteriorate. There were a few things weighing on my pretty heavily at that point but they aren't terribly relevant so I won't get into it.
It's hard for me to say how much of a personality shift I took, but it was certainly enough for my mother to notice. I became a lot more cynical and in general I was pretty depressed. That definitely weighed heavily on my mother as I'm not the type to share how my life is going, so the fact that she was always unsure about the extent of my problems was probably hard on her.
My mom offered several times to send me to a therapist but I always refused because even at that age I knew it wouldn't be productive. That said seeing my mom upset like that made me so uncomfortable that I tried to put on a happy facade as often as I could. My mood would shift rapidly and I lashed out at her frequently. I've always been allergic to criticism but that point in my life was probably the worst. I was an absolute nightmare to deal with (and to be fair I still am) because I can never back down from anything even when it's ridiculous not to. I took out my anger on her frequently and I imagine she always felt that she had to tread carefully with me.
I think my negative attitude would have been especially apparent to her because I was a bubbly kid, and I mean outrageously so. I've always been a good talker because I can come up with things on the fly and I was never really nervous around people. At a pretty early age I figured out that saying the right things and manipulating the fact that I was a cute kid could get me a lot of things. I learned how to juggle when I was little and played a couple small shows at festivals when I was around 10, and I sort of got addicted to attention. I was always very bubbly and I always made sure I was the center of attention. Because of this my personality shift was probably very concerning.
I started smoking weed casually at this point, I'm not entirely sure how she found out but it was pretty clear that it scared the shit out of her. She made a lot of vague, passive-aggressive comments about it that made it obvious she knew. She never found anything on me and I never smoked in the house so we actually never got in a huge fight about it, but it definitely escalated her worries. The following months (this would have been around 3/4 way through my senior year) was probably my lowest point, however I don't think the weed had a huge impact as I was really only smoking on the odd weekend with my friends. Unfortunately my mom has a 1960's view on marijuana so I definitely think it created more tension than it needed to. My one criticism is that she basically straight up refused to do any research on the topic at all. That being said I understand that as a parent it's basically the last thing you want your kid to be doing.
One thing I have to make clear is that all the struggles in my life were completely internal. No one outside of the family would have considered me to be a troubled kid. Despite my terrible work ethic I consider myself quite intelligent and I coasted through most of high school with straight A's without having to work very hard. I haven't had any run-ins with the law besides traffic tickets, hell even in high school I never got in much trouble. I don't think teachers viewed me as a trouble maker, rather they just thought I was exhausting. Debating people has always felt like a sport to me so I tended to instigate debates frequently because I knew I would basically always have the upper hand. I guess it just made me feel good at the time.
My mother and I fought so frequently that I often wasn't entirely sure what we were fighting about. I wish I could say I was in the right but the truth is 90% of arguments was just her saying something and me taking it the wrong way and ripping into her. Looking back it's pretty inexcusable and I carry a lot of guilt from those days.
I've since moved off to college and my mother and I don't see each other very often. I've tried to apologize for my behavior in those days but to be honest I would consider it to be mostly unforgivable. My apologies are pretty worthless.
For what it's worth, I'm doing better now. I'm a lot happier than I used to be, and it seems like my life is on track. I have a 3 point something GPA and an internship lined up at a bank. I still feel frequent guilt about the type of person that I am. I only see my mom once or twice a month, and we talk on the phone once or twice a week. Our interactions have improved a lot, we don't fight nearly as much, but it's very apparent that she doesn't trust me at all, which I guess is fair. I tend to feel the worst after talking to her, as I'm reminded how much stress I caused her and how much damage I did to her life. I think she still worries that my drug problem is far worse than it is. Once I graduate college I think the best thing to do will be for me to move away, because I know I cause her too much stress and she'll be better off without me.
I'm sitting here pretty stoned as I right this, so I apologize if I made errors. I'll go through this in the morning and fix them.
Not putting a NAW tag because I don't really care if people want to tell me I'm a scumbag because they're not exactly wrong. Really the only advice I need to hear is to man the fuck up and be a better person but I always seem to end up hurting people close to me.
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self.offmychest
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Ouch. Unexpected hit to the gut, and not really sure what to think. I need some insight on this one To start off, last Thursday's Thanksgiving was incredible.
Started my day off as any other. Woke up around 10:30 in my barracks room, and my buddy drives my suitemate and I to my mom's apartment up the road a few miles.
Us 3 were planning to go to one of my best friend's Cary's (and his wife's) house just across the river in New London. Go there around 1 and there were more people from my classes than I thought would be there (like 5 of us maybe).
Having a mixed drink made for me, and sitting on the couch with my brace on my leg, and out comes not his wife, but her cousin Stephanie. Absolutely beautiful. Not that tall, maybe 5'5 or so with beautiful red hair and gorgeous green eyes like fucking emeralds. Long gorgeous legs. Just, fuck.
Anyways, I didn't even get up off the couch to intro myself to her which was rude, but regardless the night went on and her and my mom made great friends, so much to the point I guess my mom talked me up and had us talk and well.... fuck. We hit it off. In fact, I hit it off with her better than I have anyone else, which is something I wasn't expecting AT ALL.
Some time passed, we hung out more, the night is closing to an end after dinner, wine, music. I had taken my brace off, so I could dance with her to jazz and hell I wasn't even all that bad. Anyways, to make a long story short, we ended up talking outside the door in the hallway and we both kissed, and well that didn't really end. Fuck. I had this feeling in my stomach I'd not felt since I was 19, and I'm 22 now. She's 23 and havne't felt the same since she was 20, so we're at even grounds!
Well, after kissing forever and her walking me down to the car so my buddy could drive us home, I got home and sent her the most well-put together drunk test ever telling her how I can't wait to see her again, I'm safe, yadda yadda.
Friday night, and I'm texting Cary, wanting to see if I was able to come over the following morning to say bye to Stephanie before she left for NYC at 9am. Talked to her too, and she was more than excited, considering I wasn't able to join her dancing that night even though Cary was bugging me like hell about it because she wanted me there. I promised mom I'd spent time with her that night though, and promises aren't something I break, and she understood.
So, Steph says 0730 and Cary says 0630 and not to bother getting food because he's got everything I need. Stomach was in knots, nervous as fuck if she still felt the same way because we were drinking. Sick almost. Regardless, I wanted to get her a rose so I drove 30 mins to get a rose even though they're like 10 mins from base, got there and did dished with Cary and started doing my meal prep.
Eggs, hash, brown-sugar coated Applewood bacon, and Green Apple/Bacon/Onion fried potatoes. Had my phone out, everyone was asleep, Steph had no idea I was there and it was 0730 already. Damn, she slept in. Oh well!
Next thing I know I turn to go back to dicing onions, and Stephanie hugs me from behind and kisses me, telling me "Good morning Handsome! I just wanted to say hello before I went to go get ready! Thank you so much for cooking us breakfast!". My god. It was barely even daylight out but everything about her brightened my entire fucking world. Her eyes were so happy, and she was just herself like before, and I kissed her again before she went off. Talk about a ridiculous amount of butterflies in my stomach, holy fuck. Could NOT stop smiling.
Breakfast she ended helping me with, and since we were running out of time Isabel (Cary's wife) starts cooking the rest of the potatoes, and Steph made the eggs. Hell yeah! Even got some laughs out of them when I managed to smoke the place up so much the alarms went off and the fire department came. Fuckin' sweet, but funny.
I gave her the rose before she left and she lit up so much. There's something about watching her laugh and seeing her smile that makes my stomach feel warm as fuck inside, and gives me this... feeling. Even Thursday night watching her from across the room, seeing her laugh and smile was immediately something I wanted to accomplish doing every single day so I could see.
Anyways, she had to leave and we kissed, held hands, and they took her to the train station at 10 (she stayed extra for me). I drove home, feeling on top of the moon.
Well, Cary told me to get my blues ready because lo-and-behold we're leaving for dinner! Wasn't really sure if I wanted to go but it was like 12 so fuck it. Got picked up, brought to base, Blues on, and left with him and his family to (by my fuckin surprise) Boston!
Had a great night, phone died though. And yaknow, on the way back Isabel was telling me how she's never seen Stephie this giddy in a very long time, especially right off the bat just liking someone. She loved how cute we were and she told me all about her, and it eased my mind on any doubts I ever had. They've been best friends since they were babies, they always talk to each other.
Made plans to go to NYC on Dec. 9th in my Dress Blues to go see her dance thing at NYU. Yeah, she's not only beautiful, sweet, and funny as fuck she's smart as hell too. Finance and business major. Me, Cary, and Isabel plan on going to New Haven to take the train to NYC. After the dance, I wanted to take a horse carriage to take her skating at Rockefeller. SUPER Excited!
Well this morning I woke up still excited with more butterflies in my stomach and sent her a big beautiful Good Morning text.
Came out of class for lunch and she sent me a text saying ""Ah thank you so much!! I have to be honest with you though, I think you're an amazing person and you're so sweet but I'm not ready for something serious right now and I feel like in the navy things inevitably get really serious really fast"
Fuck, that was a 180.
I responded with "Awh, thanks! I totally understand! :) I like you and was hoping I'd have the opportunity to get to know you, take things slow and be able to do cute things together (like skating!). I'm not looking for anything fast, and I still have a really long time here left.
Nothing serious haha, we're just getting to know each other afterall. Would you still like to go out that weekend? I know you've got a dance on the 9th."
Well, nothing back now. A big change to how it was originally, and I feel this fucking rock in my stomach I can't seem to get away. I understand the stigma and stereotype that the US Navy has but... I really do want to take things slow, and I want to do little cute shit together and nothing big for a while. I just want to see her smile and laugh and be able to cause that. I snapped a picture of her before she left with the rose I gave her and I stare at the picture and think "Fuck, I made that smile!". On one hand - I get it and at the other it seems kind of unfair. I just want a real chance. I don't get down easy at all but it's weighing heavy on mind and I can't help but wonder what I did wrong or what's wrong. My hopes were |----here----| when they probably should have been |--here--|.
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self.offmychest
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