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My mansger saw me and my boyfriend kissing in the car? My boyfriend came to my to my job during my break so we can eat dinner together in his car. After we got done eating I had a few minutes left before my break was over and we started kissing each other. I didn't see a car drive up and my boyfriend tried to push me off of him but I kept trying to kiss him. I heard a car door slam and I stopped and looked and it was my manager. I got out of the car and she smiled and said hi. I'm usually alone at work and people rarely stop by unless they do an inspection or drop supplies off.
She didn't really say anything besides work related stuff. I just feel really embarrassed. What should I do?
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self.Anxiety
|
From the SW Mod team: Please be cautious if your post references political events Please be aware that there's a risk of trolling in response to posts mentioning politics. We are allowing posts of this nature from individuals in sincere distress because we know that the political climate can impact our emotions, worldview, and hopes for the future. But we also encourage you to consider carefully whether you might feel comfortable reaching out to another source of support, such as one of the [hotlines in our international directory](http://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines). You might also want to have a look at [these resources for helping those struggling with thoughts of suicide](http://redd.it/1c3p3z).
We are taking all possible steps to prevent abuse, but if you receive any kind of trolling or guideline-breaking response to a post or comment you've made here, whether it mentions politics in any way or not, please let us know and we'll be on it as soon as we can.
We have been and still are working closely with the reddit admins to ensure that anyone who abuses vulnerable people here is dealt with, not just at the subreddit level.
Edit: Added direct links to resources & clarified wording.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Inferior and superior at the same time.. I have this horrible complex where I know I’m smart, I know I’m a good person who goes well out of my way to help people. I try to stay humble as best I can, but sometimes I genuinely feel like some people aren’t worth my time, though I try to maintain empathy and give it to them. On the other side I’m the most self conscious, self loathing, insecure person I know. I’m always afraid people will eventually grow tired of me, I’m scared my boyfriend will leave me for someone else, I’m scared I’ll never achieve the goals I set for myself. I try and stop these intrusive thoughts, I think it may be the depression coming back that I thought I grew out of years ago. I’ve never been a jealous person, but in the last few months I’ve grown into a person I hardly recognize some days and I don’t know what sparked it.
I don’t know what it is that caused my decline into a scared person aside from the fact I love so much I’m scared of loosing everything, and that fear makes me a bad person.
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self.offmychest
|
rambling Ahhh i dont really know how to phrase my words but i just want to get some stuff off of my head... Its 3am and todays a bad day, probably one of the worst in a long time, my head hurts and i feel numb and dizzy... Schools starting soon and i hve to finally deal with all the responsibilities ive been runnning from and it makes me anxious, its such a vicious cycle, im depressed, i procrastinate, i fuck up, i get depressed from this fuck up, i procrastinate, and so on... Im starting counselling soon but i dont know how well that'll help, so many responsibilities and shit i have to face, plus this school year is important, and my already fragile heart cant withstand even the slightest bit of stress. I procrastinate just having to do 2hs of work.. I want to just take the whole year off and get therapy but my parents would get angry at me and be ashamed of me or something...the only thing i have interest in now and would gladly spend hours and hours doing is art but at this rate im so scared that one day i'll lose that too. I dont want to talk to friends bc they dont understand, my depression is rly rly bad, in fact its pretty much part of my personality now. Maybe its bc of being neglected as a child, maybe its bc my parents used to have really bad fights often at night when i was a younger, i dont know... I dont remember the last time i truely felt happy, i think i mightve been depressed since 10, i always knew i was different from the other kids, but i thought it'll get better soon, i used to dream a lot, like "its alright i suck rn but when i graduate to middle school high school uni i'll blah blah blah" but i guess dreams are just dreams im just getting worse and worse. I really hope counselling will be able to help me, i hope i can get better before i one day fuck up so badly it ruins my life
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self.depression
|
SSRI question So im weaning off luvox from 100, currently on 40mg. I'm boarding a plane in 2 days for a vacation and always have panic attacks when flying, so im wondering if i can go back to 100mg just for that day to lessen the anxiety and continue my 40mg the following day. Neurochemically speaking will that undo my entire 2 months of tapering and have to start all over again or will i be able to resume the 40mg taper the subsequent days??
|
self.Anxiety
|
cant even find the energy to cut myself Throw away because bf is on reddit. Doesn't seem to matter though, he's more or less ignoring me right now, (even though he knows how upset I get when he pretends everything is fine only to be and act pissed at me for a week befor he's finally ready to admit he's upset and talk about it) so whatever. I'm basically just a prop for him anyway, he doesn't love me he loves that I'm not his ex. Everything I do right or wrong is good because that's better than what things wet like with his ex or a concern because when he was with ex they had a problem so it make him worried about what that means for our relationship. Problem is he's an overall good guy who doesn't want anyone to be sad so it seems like he cares about me but it's just him being him and has nothing to do with feelings for me. I don't mean to make him sound like a jerk, in fact I'm usually the jerk. I snap at him for no reason or for stupid reasons, I always feel like garbage, I'm moody and cranky amd bitchy and depressed and anxious. He thinks he loves me, he acts like he loves me but he doesn't because I can't understand why he would. Maybe if I wasn't so shitty at relationships I could stop pretending this was something I could fix by being less all the crappy things I listed up there and could focus on him not really loving me. It's a moot point though because I will keep screwing up and keep feeling like it's fixable if I weren't such a screw up
Not to get totally off topic but what does it matter if I do? Like 2 people will probably read this anyway.
I'm so tired, I just want to go to sleep but I can't sleep because why would I be able to sleep for more than an hour when I'm exhausted and I have work early in the morning? That'd just be silly. As per the title I don't have the energy for anything. I used to cut myself when I was younger. I stopped more or less. I try it sometimes again to see if it helps. It doesn't help anymore, nothing really helps anymore. Doesn't matter if it would help, just laying here trying to work up the energy to do it, pointless though because it won't help and it's not like it's a good coping mechanism anyway so why bother.
I hate how much I think about ending things. I don't want to die, I know that and I've known that for a long time but I feel worthless and like a waste of life and like it wouldn't matter if I did because I don't matter anyway but I don't want to die which makes me feel selfish and like I'm wasting my life.
I just want to get better, I did okay for a little while but I wasn't better I just wasn't as bad. I get that it's the best I can hope for but it doesn't feel like much to hope for.
I don't know why I made this post. Maybe I was just hoping typing it out would make me feel better. It didn't
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self.depression
|
I have a depressive epsiode in the middle of the first vacation i had in over 4 yrs.... I haye myself.
I can't stop worrying about money.
This trip is paid for by my parents, but I worry cuz I had to take negative PTO for this week long family trip. The next one will be PTO, but its in april! Less than 5 months!
It was my boyfriend's idea. I'm so mad at him for thinking it would be a good idea to have me take two trips, one whole week each, and not realize im broke!
Plus I just bought a car, which I saved up money for.
Idk, I'm just became so overwhelmed all of a sudden. Help me figure out a quick way to cope- I have to go see my grandma later tonight.
|
self.bipolar
|
Turning 17 in 2 days and I've never been more depressed than I am now. living is such a hassle man. feelings, school, everything just sucks. nothing is fun anymore and I just want to disappear off the face of the earth.
|
self.depression
|
I’m so sick of this shit. I’m suffering depression and anxiety, and I’m just ... sick of it. I was doing well, hanging out with my dad ... then my friend asked me how work was going and I just started crying again.
This is so not me! I’m not a crier! I’m someone strong who can fucking do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done. I’m so sick of feeling weak and vulnerable. This is not who I am.
And then when I went to acupuncture today. Again. Totally fine, toddling through life, walk into the acupuncturist’s office, he asks me how I’m going, and ... bam. Tears.
I don’t mind crying when there’s a cause. And to be honest, I actually don’t usually cry when there IS a cause. So to be crying when there isn’t a viable cause ... it just feels pathetic.
I had thoughts of suicide while at the acupuncturist. I don’t, usually, and I know that by putting it out there like this, there’s a greater chance that I won’t - I wouldn’t, anyway - but ... it’d be a lot easier for me. Not anyone else, I know. But it’d just stop everything for me.
All I could think was life would be easier if I was a crow.
I’m self medicating with St John’s Wort, Vitamins, Fish oil, turmeric and Chinese roots ... and most of the time I’m all right, but then - out of nowhere - tears.
I don’t know what to do, how to be happy.
|
self.depression
|
It's hard thinking I've gotten better for real, only to realise that it was just as temporary as all the other times I experienced brief happiness gain [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing Soft caress and warm embrace
I leave you both without a trace
For those that hunger through the night
Cannot be burdened by the light
This pain protrudes our every path
It poisons souls and fills our wrath
We turn and consume those drawn near
The only ones that we hold dear
For they are snared by our endeavor
A victims mask we don so clever
To resonate with our shared pain
To build you up for our own gain
And once you've grown just far enough
We barely have the strength to bluff
But its too late your fate is sealed
We will consume you if revealed
|
self.depression
|
DAE -Vacation/trip anxiety - what to do?? I am so sick of myself. My husband is taking a week off as soon as the kids get out of school and we can go just about anywhere in the US. I live on the west coast and frankly am sick of everything here. The scenery, etc is all so familiar. I feel like we've already been there, done that everywhere around here. To get anywhere interesting you've got to get on a plane. I cannot freakin do it. i cant pull the trigger on those tickets because 1) I HATE flying and 2) Im worried something will come up and we'll lose our money on non refundable tickets (the refundable ones are too $$), I worry about the plane crashing, I worry I'll be out of my element, I worry that something bad will happen. I'm freaking the F out. I want my kids to see something new and fun and different. I want to see the other coast. I really do, but my anxiety is killing me. How the hell can i get over this and just commit? My husband is understandably frustrated with me. Every vacation is like this!!
|
self.Anxiety
|
I try to try and always fail I want to talk to others but I always fail or it never means anything been alone for so long I can't remember what a conversation is maybe I never had one I get pushed away or I push them until I become alone again in the same spot with an empty feeling like why even try anymore I try online to fill in the void but nooooo
Are u a male or female the only time I ever had a kinda meaningful conversation is with myself and that guy a pick always doubting and dead inside I'm tired of it will get better soon then I reply and nope that's it no more you are cancer man gotta stay far from u.
Chat rooms don't help I have no friends man I'm tired of everything I'm tired of the Internet and I'm tired of myself cause I know I'm to blame the only reason I go on is the hope of finding someone to talk with at this point I give no shit about genders I don't want love I want a friend.
|
self.depression
|
just got out of the hospital. 8 day trip either my OCD randomly came back for a vengeance 20 years later or my bipolar meds triggered it to come back. regardless, my brain has calmed down for the first time in 3 years since i started taking antipsychotics.
now i have to do a 2 week outpatient program that involves a heavy amount of therapy and counseling 6 hours a day. not exactly looking forward to it but i know i need it.
i'm glad i went voluntarily though. i have been a mess ever since i started taking meds, and it was a living hell for the past year ever since panic attacks started happening everywhere. irrational, intrusive fears are a B-I-T-C-H. if you have them, go ask for luvox.
i was so sad to leave though. i met a girl who had hodgins lymphoma and we spent the whole time together. i met a second mom if i ever need one. i met a life-long cornhole partner if i ever move closer to my roommate. i just busted out crying. i met Techs that changed my life with their support and motivational talks. I finally saw an example of a woman I would want to have as my wife, one of such inner beauty & strength that it drowns out the outer beauty. i would stay there forever just to support patients if i didn't have to pay the bills.
don't be afraid to check yourself in. it could be the best decision of your life.
|
self.bipolar
|
I wish I’d get cancer I wouldn’t try to fight it, I wouldn’t have to end my life, my friend’s and family could only watch, it’d be something they couldn’t talk me out of.
I’m tired, just absolutely tired.
|
self.offmychest
|
Verbally abused by parent, and no where to go. I used to be a happy kid, friends, good grades, and just a stand up little boy. But my family not so much. I always been surrounded by family drama, my mother, sister, and grandmother had always been fighting. Just constant yelling for hours. Sometimes they yell at each other, but most of the time just yelling their thoughts out loud. But they weren't yelling at me so it didn't affect me that much and since I was so young it became "normal."
Fast foward to high school. This is the time that my entire life changed. It's only me and my mother living together. My behavior completely changed. I used to be one of the most popular kids in school and now I barely consider anyone a friend at all. I spent most of my time in my room playing video games, sleeping in the middle of the day, and almost never going outside. It took me a couple of years to realize that I'm depressed and I need to change, but by that time I fucked that up my life big time.
Eventually I missed so many days in school I got transfer to an alternative high school. I didn't know anyone at the school so I didn't have no one to talk to outside my teachers. The entire environment was different from my previous school and the kids that went there was troubled kids. I really didn't fit in with any of them. Being in a different high school from the rest of your friends it's really easy to grow apart and considering I didn't talk to anyone at my new school. I'm felt completely alone and didn't talk to almost anyone outside my online gaming friends.
That's when I made the biggest mistake of my life and dropped out of high school.
My mother loss her job and still haven't found another one in three years. We were forced to move out and live with my father who recently had a stroke. I suspect my mother is angry that's she forced to live with my father, disappointed on how I turn out, and haven't had a job in 3 years. Multiple times a week she voices her frustrations, by calling my father & I retarded, saying my father deserve to have a stroke, faggots, or whatever evil thing that pops up in her head. Often she's on the phone with one of her friends and openly talk about us while the whole apartment can hear her.
After about years of this I'm lucky enough to find a job, but after being depress and the constant verbal abuse it's really hard for me to be happy and connect with people. It's hard to form any relationships while my mental state is like this. I just fake long enough at work until I can clock out.
Then a couple hours ago my mother is mad at me for talking to my sister who she doesn't have a good relationship with. So she goes on the phone with one of her friends and talk shit about me. I go in the kitchen and she asked me what I'm looking for. I said nothing please leave me alone. She snaps and called me retarded, bitch, ect. And I had enough after years of frustration and I told her off. She didn't like that very much...
She bust down my door holding a hammer trying to hit me with it. I'm holding her arm to defend myself. My father wasn't home so I called the police. The fucking police arrived and I explain what happen. They told me as long as I'm living with her I must accept that she can call me whatever I want because I'm her child. I tell the police I just want to be treated with respect and be left alone until I can afford to move out. He said that I can either deal with it or leave.
WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THAT?
I told him I'm on the lease and he said it doesn't matter. No I don't pay rent, but I do pay the light bill, and she doesn't pay anything either because she got no job. My father pays most of the bills. I'm not in the predicament to move out because I don't have a drivers license, still no HS diploma, and I have nobody can stat with without losing my job.
I do have a roadmap to get my life back on track, but it's going to take awhile. I know this may not be the best place for this, but this is the first time ever I talked to people about my life. I feel trapped. My two options are to save up enough money to move out while being extremly unhappy or be homeless most likely kill myself.
|
self.depression
|
The older I get the more I realize I don’t like my dad I love my parents. I really do. With all my heart and I would do anything for them — I’d die for them. But the older I get, the more I realize I don’t actually like my dad.
He’s never done anything wrong in the sense that you may be thinking — never hit me, abused me, didn’t ever drink to excess, nothing. I’ve actually lived a very privileged life. I grew up going to private school and my parents paid my way through college, and still pay for a lot today. My dad works very hard to give my brother, my mom, and I the best life that we can have. Which is why I feel really badly about feeling this way and I kind of want some sort of advice to see if I can fix this.
Like I said I love my dad with all my heart, but I find it very hard to like him. He thinks he knows everything and is right about everything when in reality he’s very ignorant about many things. He thinks he’s a stand up and good person, but he’s often very VERY rude to people and it’s just not the way you treat people. He’s very dismissive of things he doesn’t agree with, and when we all go out for dinner or something he acts like he’s king of the world. He’s very eccentric in a way. I don’t know how to deal with this because it seems like I just don’t like his personality and it breaks my heart. I used to LOVE hanging out with my dad. I’m home for the holidays and the more I hang out with him the less I want to. It seems like he gets joy from putting others down. I just really don’t like it.
Also a big part of my lack of “like” for him is that he voted for Trump and doesn’t understand why that’s hurtful to me as a woman or to many other women.
Any advice?
|
self.offmychest
|
Has anyone gotten help for their depression before they really consider a divorce? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Worried I'm a fucking idiot. I'm not pregnant, but I might be. I'm still a teenager. No, I didn't have unprotected sex. I'm not THAT stupid. But condoms aren't 100% safe, even if they are close. I live with a mother who fucking hates me and a father who cares only for my grades. I asked my mother "haha, here's a funny joke. What if I was pregnant?" She replied dead seriously, "if you're pregnant i'll either kick you out with the child or kick you out and take your child." The last thing I could possibly want in this lifetime is for a child that I might have to be raised by my mother. I asked counselors at school what I should do if I was pregnant but we all know by know that guidance counselors/student assistance counselors are worth nothing. If I am pregnant, I WILL have to kill myself. There's no other option.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Been suicidal for years Honestly I have been suicidal for years. My entire life is just me waiting for the day that I kill myself - does anyone have any advise for this? Can anyone relate?
Most days the urge is just there in the background waiting, but in the last couple years it's been getting stronger
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Feel like I'm just spiraling into oblivion all the time Hi Guys\Gals...
This is my first post here.
I don't know what, but something in my life just doesn't feel right... I keep feeling like stuff are starting to figure themselves out, and then after a long week or some days I just sit down at home and again become really depressed and sad and just feel like everything's worthless again...
I recently started a new job in my field of studying, which is a great internship for me, I have a great relationship and a steady income... feels like stuff begin to move forward and all, and again it just hits me after a while.
I feel like I deserve a real win sometime soon.... for the last couple of years (as in 2) I have been mostly working non-stop at a tough job (prior to this new one) and been busting my ass doing a lot of stuff including starting school last year... and it just feels like I'm mentally and physically exhausted and idk how to approach this.
I think I just need a good vacation, but I just can't get up and fly somewhere just like that, I have responsibilities, I have my dog to take care off, school, work...
At the end of a long day\week I just honestly still don't know where my life are headed, or even towards what... and I don't understand what's any of this pressure is good for... studying, working nearly full time in order to afford continuing to study and living at my apartment?
Do we just have to live like that and eventually burnout, or are there other alternatives to living in order to feel happier or at least less meaningless?
Do any of you guys know of any way to somehow make yourself feel... better? As in some sort of maybe idk a change in lifestyle to help you with that, or somewhere that could provide me with that?
I'm just sick of feeling so depressed over nothing all the time when in reality I think I should feel fine...
tl;dr feeling depressed\meaningless all of the time, even when stuff ARE working out...
|
self.Anxiety
|
How To Change Psychiatrist in the NHS (UK) Hey all, I was hoping for some advice on how to go about ^^^ this. I was diagnosed 7 years ago and have changed pdocs around 4/5 times. This has all been natural progression or moving from one team/area to another. I've never before asked to change.
I don't feel my current pdoc is very supportive. She is very negative and cynical when I report symptoms and side effects from my meds.
She also uses patronising phrases like "there's no point in continuing the Latuda if you "FEEL" the side effects are intolerable." As though they're not actually unbearable (I'd rather rip my own face off than go through akathisia again...) but rather I "feel" they are. It's just not a good dynamic and I don't feel I can be honest with her anymore.
Does any one else in UK or similar social/public healthcare system know the best way? Insurance/copays/all that jazz doesn't exist here. Thanks guys for any words of wisdom.
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self.bipolar
|
20 year old alcoholic I don't know if you can be an *actual* alcoholic at 20. I see all these people around my age posting memes or statuses or whatever about how much they drank and that they didn't plan on getting as drunk as they did. My family all tells me I have a problem though, and they don't think I should ever really drink again...
It doesn't really seem fair that all of these other people can drink all the time and get drunk, but when I do it I have a problem.
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self.offmychest
|
From failure, to success, and back down to failure. This is my story. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I think online dating is bringing out the worst in me I've tried OKcupid, Bumble, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and Tinder (Tinder in my city isn't big on hookups). For me personally, my attraction to someone is 50% physical and 50% personality, but when it comes to online dating, I only see short bios that don't really tell a whole lot, and I think I'm starting to become more and more superficial because of it. If you're wondering why I wouldn't try to pursue someone in person, well it's because, outside of clubbing/bars, and school (which technically not in at the moment) there isn't many good places to meet people. Any advice is appreciated.
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self.offmychest
|
My fears have been confirmed. I always felt like what I have to say doesn't matter to people. I went to an event that's essentially prom for college seniors. Yeah, no one wanted to say anything besides, "hi, you look pretty!" My friends and their friends didn't bother including me in conversation, and when I inserted myself in some, they would just be quiet and talk to others about something different. I kept doing this, nothing was different. They'd smile at me and tell me I look pretty again and they're happy to see me, but the whole thing felt so fake. I get they may have been nervous, but it just didn't feel right. My college is small and has tight-knot cliques, but man did I feel invisible tonight. All I could do is go up to the room with my boyfriend and cry my eyes out. I looked beautiful tonight and wore a gorgeous $300 gown and I felt like that was money down the shitter. Idk if I'm happy I came, so I could find this out, or I should've known better and my bf could've saved a lot of money and used it towards something better. I'm invisible in lots of other places, too: class, work, my social groups besides like 3 of my friends. Guess that's just who I should stick to. But even still, I don't get why I seem so uninteresting and invisible to the general person...
|
self.Anxiety
|
I am 40, broke, and I live at home with mom. I am ready to blow my brains out. The title explains it all. This is not a manifesto, but a statement of truth. I have had it with my life. I should never have been born. I am lonely and broke in mind, spirit, and finances. I am tired of lying, hiding what I really am. A broke, jobless, middle-aged loser, who has never moved out, who constantly lied about who and what he really is. It doesn't matter how hard I try to change, I am condemned. My life now will not get better, only killing myself will solve this problem. I want to kill myself, to die honorably, to say to "fuck you God" for the waste of life I am/was while I pull the trigger. I was and I am and I will be a coward. I want to kill myself with my father's sidearm, one more casualty for the Major. I want to punish my parents for not pushing me, for not giving a damn, I want them to experience the consequences of failure. And you know what, screw those who were and are foolish enough to know me. I should have died and mom and dad, while they were still together, should have had the son or daughter they wanted to have. When I am dead, I want to be destroyed, burned in fire. Burned in fire and serving in hell is far better than being in paradise with the people who made me. Everyday I am alive is just plain fucking misery. All I am doing now is waiting for my moment to die.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Lithium saved my life! I was hospitalized against my will for 1 week and during it I was given Lithium 600mg. The Drug has really stabilized my mood and because of it I am able to stop smoking. I haven't felt as normal for years!
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self.bipolar
|
Withdrawal from Zoloft I recently turned 26 and lost my health insurance so I've been cutting my remaining Zoloft doses in half to try and prolong the inevitable. I've been taking it since I was about 13 so it's going to be really rough to go without them completely. Unfortunately I get really bad brain zaps whenever I go without a dose. Does anyone else get these? They're ridiculously hard to describe but it's like an electrical pulse shot through your head wherever you move your eyes.
More importantly, does anyone have any tips for dealing with them? Or advice on how to function after you've lost your insurance?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I want my life back Ill make this short. 2009 4 months after I got married. I all of a sudden had horrible pain in my goin hip area. After a year of no luck and being bed ridden I became extremely depressed. Going from extremely active loving my job to not being able to walk without pain or going out to socialize I was pretty bad. I felt horrible that my wife wanted to stay home with me. I wanted her to have fun. Year later found a surgeon yo fix my hips (it was my hips going bad) my depression was doing better. I went water skiing for the first time in a few years had a horrible crash and injured my back. Depression came back again after about a year it got better then my wife divorced me. She couldn't handle it she said. Fell into depression again. A year later depression is doing better but my back is still horrible. I still can't go out and socialize or look for another girl to be in my life. Its been 4 years now I gained weight from not doing anything, disability denied me 1 time waiting for the answer for the second. I want so despretly to go to work or go back to the gym. I also don't want to be alone. Even if I could go oh this very minute no girl would want to date an overweight guy who can't go out anywhere and has no job. Depression is doing well but its a night around 6 pm that I start feeling horrible. My mother has been helping me out with money and I feel like a burden to her. I just want my life back where I was confident I was a healthy weight, my friends wanted to hang out with me and most of all I could work. I have been poked and prodded so much by doctors and had 2 surgeries. One on my arm for different reasons and one to fuse my si joint. The fusion failed. During my divorce all I asked for was my dog. If I didn't have her I would have done something horrible. Like I said I want my life back. I don't want to be in pain 24/7, I want to socialize like I said and I really don't want to be lonely anymore. This was the very short version. I'm sorry for and grammar issues please excuse those. I'm really low right now and its hard typing on my phone in tears.
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self.depression
|
I hate saying goodbye My football season just came to an end. I entered the program on a whim, one of the best decisions I’ve made. I cried like a bitch, with my friends, but what I’m really afraid of is if I’m going to be able to cope with the change after all.
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self.depression
|
Coming off antidepressants, not as easy as it sounds. I have been on antidepressants the last 4 years, but I have been using Venlafaxine (Effexor) 150mg for the past year. I'm not sure why I decided to tell my doctor to taper me off. Since then I have deleted all social media, increased my life insurance for my son and mother and try to communicate with others on reddit because honestly. Family, friends and acquaintances will always be there.. you know this, but you still feel alone.. but as soon as you open up. You've already been judged and labeled as 'crazy' or better yet, when you piss them off get called a 'nut job.' I'm in my 20s now but spent my teen years online, playing World of Warcraft and Counter-Strike. People online are more family to me than my own flesh and blood.
Last thing I want is to be back in a psych ward. I am fully conscious and aware of how I feel. The suicidal thoughts have been with me for as long as I could remember. It started out as thoughts and I blew it off, but the older I got the more I realized. This is just who I am. I made the mistake of opening up to someone who couldn't relate.. 10 minutes later, the cops are at my door. I never really understood, if someone is distraught or angry. Locking them up in a hospital will just piss me the fuck off even more.
I didn't know if I slit my wrist it would take 15-20 minutes to bleed out.. but since coming off Venlafaxine it honestly doesn't sound so bad. A 9-mm hollow tip at point blank range doesn't either. I'm typing this honestly fighting to live another day. I want to be able to be there for my son but my way of thinking is so dark that I feel like he doesn't deserve me.
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self.SuicideWatch
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How much more can I fuck up? I had a good thing going with a girl and we had our fights which were really bad and our small arguments and our time apart when things got really bad where she would not talk to me and end up with someone else for a little bit only to comeback to talking to me and me trying my hardest to keep myself together and not push her away again. I'm 18 I've been to therapy I've been on meds I've been to a mental hospital once and she was there for me every step of the way but anytime something small happened I would go off like a bomb and say some fucked up things and then I'd drink and get mean and sometimes cruel with my words. It's been months since we've talked unless she's at her cousins house who is one of my best friends.
And since she's been gone my life feels a bit less stressful and a lot more pointless. I'm back on drugs hell im on a few Kpins and some alcohol right now. I do coke i smoke crack I take Xanax. I drink almost every night if I'm not on something else and it feels like my life is falling apart. One of my best friends who I consider family just died a few months back from an OD and I'm probably gonna lose my job tomorrow because I went off at work and called off the next day because I was tripping on acid too hard to go.
I just feel like I'm going insane. What I want to do is get my GED and go into a trade and make something of myself. But it seems like all I'm capable of is being an asshole and getting fucked up. I'm the definition of a fuck up at this point and I basically just wanna blow my head off. I can't do that though. I know what it will do to my friends and family I know it will destroy all of them. I don't want to do that too them.
I don't even really know where I'm going with this I just miss her more than anything and the drugs and alcohol aren't letting me forget anymore. It's 3am and I don't want to go to sleep because I keep dreaming about seeing her. And it's not even a sexual or romantic dream it's just us on a couch talking things out and trying to make things right again but I can't do that. I can't not have mood swings I can't not have a panic attack over small shit and I can't not love her.
I guess the first step to getting my life back on track would be getting clean. The longest I've gone in 2 years was a month and that was just because I promised her I'd get sober and that went out the window after our last big fight. Then maybe trying meds again and getting my GED. I don't know what to do I don't know why I posted this I'm just falling apart and my fucking head won't stop thinking. Thanks for reading it if you did. Maybe I won't dream tonight.
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self.bipolar
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The cycle of needing a job to pay for therapy, but can't get a job due to anxiety I'm going in a circle of hell. I've been to over 10 therapists, ranging from traditional talk therapy to ERP, ranging $50-$200 per session. And OF COURSE, the ONLY one that ever made breakthroughs with me was the one that was $200 a session. My mom made me stop going to her because she couldn't afford it, understandable.
But I can't get a job due to anxiety/OCD. Self-treatment isn't working for me, I need a therapist. I've tried everyone in my area. The $200 one is an hour away.
Every time my mom makes a dumb "get over it" comment about my anxiety/OCD, I say "I need a therapist" and she fires back with "Well get a job". Would't it be nice to get a job! But to do that, my anxiety/OCD has to be treated.
Idk the point of this, I just know maybe someone here can relate to this vicious circle of hell.
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self.Anxiety
|
I don't know what to do. Everything seems hopeless. I had been in a committed relationship that lasted 2.3 years or so then it all slowly died. That happens and i'm fine concerning that but up until 6-8 months ago I had someone to talk to everyday and tell her what was happening and if something sucked I could talk to someone or just hear about her day. I am going to a college for Mechanical Engineering Technology out of state so I can't see my friends or family and the weather doesn't feel like home, I have great friends here but I can't vent about this stuff. I have a very good poker face and even on my worst days where I just want to not exist I put on a smile and laugh and everyone thinks all is normal. I don't have anyone here to vent to or just talk about stuff, I also only have one year left and don't want to try and start dating again since it would likely end as I graduate. Nothing seems to matter anymore everything is just blurring together and I feel like a burden whenever I try and text friends at home about this and it doesn't work awesome over text. This is my first time posting here but everything has just been bottled up and I have no where to go or look to and just no idea what to do. I feel like i'm going to die alone since I am antisocial and very nerdy I don't make friends terribly easy and just feel stuck until I graduate.
The short of it is I am depressed and miss talking to someone when things are bad, as well as just getting to talk to someone I care about a lot.
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self.depression
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I am getting better So I been going to a psychologist for about a month now, and I have to say I am getting better. I still get sad no question about it, but I feel like I have the tools to make myself happy. It is hard, but I keep a positive mind.
Right now my biggest challenge in life is my new-ish job.
I work as an after school coach, I am very nice, very passive and my kids unfortunantly take advantage of it. They do not listen to me and are constantly challenging me and my authority. The old me would have called it quits by now, or would have just said “You know what I am a fucking dumbass, I am a fucking idiot, and I cannot solve this” but i haven’t thrown in the towel, everyday is a challenge and most of the time this little kids beat me, but I pick myself up, and try again, and I am really happy I have not given up.
On another note it is college application season and I am freaking out.
Anyways I want to thank every single person here. I love that a group like this exist with so many supportive people cheering you on. You, my gf, my psychologist are all a part, of the success towards my recovery.
Thank you
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self.depression
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I hurt anyone I get in a relationship with and can't commit to anything I've been thinking about talking to someone about this for a while but figured I'd post on reddit to see what other people think first. I've only ever had one girlfriend, in high school (underclassman in college now). She was way too good for me and I listened to my friends who pushed me away from being with her. Basically just didn't think she was cool so they told me to dump her. We hadn't had sex up until that point and I think when she knew I was starting to get distant she asked me if I wanted to, thinking that that was the reason. I didn't realize that, took her virginity, and broke up with her like a week later. I've felt really bad about that for a long time and it's really fucked how I feel about/perceive myself in a relationship.
After that I had a string of really short-lived relationships with different girls. Most of them I either didn't care about or were toxic. I didn't deny having sex with one of them when I was drunk and someone made an innuendo about it, ended up basically putting her on blast by omission and being too embarrassed to correct it. I ended it right after we did have sex because I realized instantly I only really wanted not to have to come clean about it. Then I went to college, joined a fraternity, and just started hooking up with girls at parties and pushing anyone else away. To the point that I wouldn't even text them, I just didn't want to think about it the day after. The first summer I came back from college I was at a good younger friends grad party and fucked a girl I knew he used to have a crush on that had recently broken up with her boyfriend. I didn't register that he was still into her and I don't *think* that one was as much my fault but it still fits the theme. It totally destroyed our friend group and I just peaced a group of friends I'd had for years when people started taking sides.
I can't imagine what it would be like to be in a healthy relationship. I end up pushing away any girl who gets close or would want to -- I'd rather lie to keep from having to be honest with them than just be myself. It's really hard for me to come to terms with because I have a fantastic group of male and platonic female friends that I know, with certainty, I have healthy, meaningful relationships with. I just can't fucking do a relationship after the first, and sometimes when I think back to what it was like to just be happy watching a movie with someone I cared about it feels like I'm fucking empty inside now.
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self.offmychest
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I Feel Like I am Standing on a Fence. One Side is Stability, Logic and Longterm. The Other Side is Impulses, Self Destruction and Isolation. [deleted]
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self.depression
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DAE feel like they have a limited "outside time"? Lately, I have found I start getting anxious at somepoint while spending time outside. Today for example I hanged out with a friend in her house and she ended up offering me to have a sleepover, but I lied and made my mom pick me up. I do feel guilty, and Im probably going to apologize tomorrow, but I just couldnt stay there counting down the hours until I could finally return to my house. Now that Im there I realize I was probably scared of somehow ruining things, since I seem to do that lately when spending too much time with people.
So, do any of you feel this way? Do you have any advice on how can to get better or at least managing to ignore those thoughts? I would really appreciate it!
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self.Anxiety
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If I don't do it now I'll never get another chance.. My family is leaving doing there own family thing, and I'm always left alone in my house for hours. I have a perfect opportunity to go through with killing my self today. I'm just really afraid I'm gonna fail and tbh I'm a little scared, but I know it's now or never. Spent 28 years of my life waiting for my time to come, when things got better just to have it end like this. Things don't get better.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Bad birthday card etiquette To;dr. My husband let his cousin sign her name on the front of a birthday card/book for our daughter.
For my daughters birthday, I decided to have everyone sign a book to give her instead of a card. Everyone thought it was cute and signed in the cover, with one uncle picking a page and leaving a funny birthday message. Well, I left and my husbands adopted cousin (she’s an adult now) signed it on the cover. So here’s my one year old daughters book with “Jenna” written on the front cover. No message, no cute artwork. It just looks like this book used to belong to a girl named Jenna. Who signs the front of a card? Worst part is that my husband told her it was ok, even after I made it clear that I wanted everything on the inside cover. The uncle only got away with what he did because he asked us both if he could do it and it was related to his birthday message. I’m so pissed because my husband always lets this cousin do whatever she wants and tries to buy her gifts. They are similar in age and they used to be rather close, but she’s always a awful (snide and disrespectful... half the time she just ignores me when I try to talk to her) to me. I honestly think she wanted to sign the cover because I told everyone to sign the “inside” of the book and even told the little kids they couldn’t sign it on the front. I don’t understand why my husband lets her walk all over him.
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self.offmychest
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Just venting and writing it down while I think I'm making sense of it. Feel free to offer any help. Idk. [deleted]
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self.depression
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What I really mean when they ask me "How was your holiday?" when I get back to work tomorrow... Holidays are over. Christmas presents are opened, food has been eaten, the old year is done and the new year has begun.
When I get back to work the inevitable question will come up: "How was your holiday?"
I will answer "It was alright.", or "Just fine, nothing special." or I will outright lie and say "Was a fun time and got to spend some time with family."
**What I really mean is:**
I spent my christmas alone. There were no presents, there was no family dinner. I spent christmas eve laying on the couch, sick with the flu and fever, eating microwaved pasta while watching christmas movies on Netflix, which honestly makes me even more depressed but I enjoy watching them nonetheless.
On the day after christmas I spent the day gathering enough willpower and strength to go outside, not because I wanted to, but because my headache was killing me and I needed both painkillers and more food since my fridge was literally empty. Trip to the gas station for junkfood and painkillers was the 'highlight' of christmas for me.
On new years eve I was still a bit sick. I heard the first fireworks go off around 8 or 9pm. I kind of wanted to go outside and see them, but then I knew I would be standing alone like an outsider and watching the fireworks would be more likely to make me cry than smile. People may wonder why. Watching fireworks which is supposed to be happiness and bring in the hope of a new year. I see no joy or hope in the next year. Instead I see another year, another 365 nights of loneliness and darkness, another 12 months of coming up with excuses to avoid social gatherings and family events. Not that I get invited to those much anymore anyways. I went to bed at 10pm and slept until late in the morning. Happy new years to me.
**I will never tell my coworkers this, nor my family.**
Why would I? It just makes them sad too, and I don't want to make others depressed and talking about it just makes me sad and upset to the point where I end up in tears myself. I have no desire to be in tears in front of anyone or drag them into the dark pit where I'm stuck. Besides, what reason do I have to be sad or depressed? I have a nice job, stable economy and live well. If I was to really tell them how I feel I fear it would sound like whinging, complaining, being 'an entitled ass' or worse.
I know my friends probably think I don't like being with them since I almost always end up declining invitations, or just canceling in the last minute. I really do want to be with them, but when the moment comes it feels overwhelming, I feel out of place, I'm anxious and upset cause I don't want to bring down their joy. They invited me to christmas parties the previous years. This is the first year where I never heard anything from any of them...
I know my family probably thinks I'm upset with them or angry for something since I never show up for family dinners and events anymore. They didn't invite me this year either.
I know my coworkers probably think I'm just a misfit or arrogant since I decline every teambuilding and social gathering at work. That, and I generally eat my lunch alone by my desk rather than going to the cafeteria with everyone else. The few times I went I end up not talking anyways and just withdraw. I'm sure they think I am being rude or anti-social on purpose.
I love my friends, my family and I enjoy working with my coworkers.
But when they ask "How was your holiday?" how can I do anything but dodge the answer or lie?
So now it is 2018.
"How was your holiday?"
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self.depression
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Does anyone else spend a lot of time just looking back to specific moments in time when things were better for you I always look back to before I was sad, before I was an inpatient, before I had to move schools, before I lost all my friends and I just feel so empty knowing how happy I was before all this :(
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self.depression
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I can't talk to people on the phone My boss asked me to call him today, and I can't for the life of me get myself to actually make the call, cuz I'm too anxious about talking to people. I'm so going to get fired because I can't freakin make a phone call.
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self.Anxiety
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I wish I was a normal, healthy person who would just answer a phone call and attend to a simple task. But I’m not. I’m a lazy, sad mess losing steam, at a crossroads in my life, totally beyond unsure what to do.
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self.Anxiety
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I Just Don’t Know Anymore.. A lot of the time I find myself thinking why am I still around? Over the summer I adjusted moving in with my dad from my abusive mom. She manipulated me telling me things about my dad that I didn’t know whether to believe or not at a younger age, though now it’s apparent whose true colors were shown. It’s been really rough leaving behind my old school, my job and not being able to be around my girlfriend as much because we had to go through constant court bullshit.
My mom tried to convince people I was a heroin addict and that my friends were as well trying to get me to force me to stay with her, she is fucking crazy. Even to this day we are still going through court procedures and unnecessary bullshit when it’s very obvious that I want nothing to do with her.
My ex who I was with at the time was the one who was supporting me to the best of her ability meant everything to me..eventually everything got so crazy she left and I was alone again..I hate this feeling of constant anxiety and stress and it makes me not want to even leave my bed anymore. I never wanted anything like this to happen, I don’t know what I did wrong to deserve this I just feel myself tearing away from this shell..more than half the time I just think about how everything could’ve been avoided had I never have been born or that I just died, everything would just be easier for everyone around me. No one would have to stress out, yell, or leave. I’ve always hated that part.
I really just don’t know anymore, I feel like just ending it. I honestly don’t even feel like I’m the same person I was 6 months ago. I feel like a complete stranger in my own skin. I just feel so uncomfortable here.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Back to reality I’m back to thinking about killing myself. The more I try to be happier the deeper I feel I should do it. It’s the only constant thing in my life. These thoughts.
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self.SuicideWatch
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my friend almost killed himself and i didn't do anything about it so my friend (whom i've never met in person) went off to get something to eat and came back in tears and said he wanted to end it. i asked him what was going on and he just said "stuff". i didn't talk to him because i didn't know what to say. he disconnected from the call and after a few minutes, he texted me "thanks for being a good friend". i begged him to tell me what was going on and he finally called me again. he told me that he almost did it. he only took one low dose sleeping pill, and the only thing that stopped him was that "he bit into the pill and it tasted really bad".
i'm talking to him now and i think he's going to be fine-- i've asked him to talk to someone in person about what's going on and he agreed. we're just talking
i probably would have gone the same route if he had done it. i would have felt so guilty that i didn't talk to him that i wouldn't have been able to live either.
i don't know what else to say. i still feel guilty that i nearly let him die without talking to him. i didn't even try to save him. it's only by luck that he's still alive now.
i just had to get this "off my chest", as the subreddit suggests. if anyone has any advice i'll take it but it's not necessary.
edit: i've also asked a mutual friend to talk to him so i hope he'll do that. he's a really busy guy but also really nice so hopefully he can provide some more help.
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self.offmychest
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Back at it again... I stopped coming here because I thought it was not helping my mental state, but making it worse. I mean it's good to know that I'm not alone and that there are people like me or in similar situations, but the truth is that in the end I am alone. I have this thing and there is no one that can help me.
Why I'm back here? because I felt the need to be back here. I need to put this out somewhere. I need someone to hear me out. I've talked about some of it of how I feel to one of my friends, but I don't want to feel like a burden. Anyway.. I really don't believe in myself. I always feel insecure and this insecurity is not letting me move on. This shit is making me want to just to quit everything and let it go if you know what I mean. The only thing that's making keep going at it is the my dream to travel the world, live in different countries, work or study abroad. Even this dream of mine makes me super depressed because I know that it might not be possible because I'm too afraid. Afraid of failure. I like to plan things and I don't like to be in situations where I don't know the exact or have an idea of the outcome. Fuck me. I'm stuck here in my job where I'm not exercising my computer science bachelor's degree. I wanted more experience, but I'm not getting any of that. My position is software engineer, but I haven't been doing any of that for the past 6 months. I'm too afraid to leave and move on. I have already decided to leave the company this summer, but then what? chase over my dream... I mean fail. I can't.
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self.depression
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I want to go back home Hey. Im a kid from Malaysia. But i recently moved to Sydney to live with my step dad.
So a couple months ago i started highschool there mid way when the semester had already started. So i went to a private school. I was afraid because most of the kids there are mostly caucasian. And i dont think i will be accepted of who i am. I know i sound ignorant but this is trully how i feel, im sorry.
So the first week there i dont really have friends. But i just though its because im new there. Sometimes a classmate ask me to join him. But i refuse because his friends doesnt seem to like me.
So weeks and months past. I still dont really have friends. People there treat me like i dont exist. I cant really take it. I feel so lonely. I miss home. I once said to my mom to just send me to a boarding school in malaysia but she always says no. She thinks its better for me to stay here and that she wants to live with me. So i didnt mine at first. But now i just cant take it. I feel lonely. Being the "asian kid" doesnt feel nice. No one really talks to me. I want to say this to my mom. But i dont want to make her upset. I cry often after school. I dont even have the motivation to study. I dont know anymore. What should i do?
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self.depression
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Trintillix Anyone else take this? I’ve been on it for about a year dose has been increased 3 times. Most recently the other day to 15mg. What are some side effects that you have noticed? Does anyone notice when you miss a dose it doesn’t take long for the anxiety or mood swings to show back up?
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self.Anxiety
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No future without education? Is it true that without a good education your'e basically fucked? Because unskilled work is low paid, and even if youre lucky and it is not that bad paid, its not very secure. More and more unskilled work will be automated. You may ask why not just get a education? That's not that easy for me. Because of my disability (autism) it's very hard for me to learn new things. Yes i have a learning disability too. So what should i do? I dont want to end up in a dead end job. But i fear that's going to happen because i can't get a decent education. Any tipps for me?
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self.depression
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i dont get it i know my family is there to help me, but i feel so fucking lonely and helpless all the time
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self.depression
|
Alarm clock theory *Disclaimer: I'm not a native English speaker so I'm sorry for all the mistakes in advance.
Disclaimer no 2: I'm not a doctor or any kind of professional, this is just my theory based on my experience.*
Few days ago I shared my story here and it's a long one so it wouldn't be beneficial if I try to type it again. Let's just say that I have some sort of anxiety my whole life (of now 27 years).
I've talked to a lot of people and many feel anxious or have panic attack in the morning or right after waking up. When it started to happen to me I was a bit surprised because for years I didn't have similar problems.
One day, this theory came to my mind. Maybe someone else will also find something beneficial from my "discovery".
Since childhood we have some sort of commitment. First we need to wake up early for school, after that is college and later it's because of work.
As a very heavy sleeper I overslept many times in my life and that feeling of waking up from a nice dream and realizing you're late - for whatever, is awful.
What if, when you have morning anxiety, it's because you actually didn't set up your alarm clock?
For example - you are unemployed (like me rn), or on vacation or it's weekend. You wanted "more sleep" to rest, but your body is programmed that you *must* wake up at some point by that loud noise.
You may wonder why is that relevant. Well, if you have your alarm clock turned on that means you have some business to do that day. Having things to do means you are productive. Being productive means that you aren't just laying around doing nothing and being totally unuseful and a burden.
Many people with mental health issues tend to feel that way **even if it's not true**.^(Side theory: because we feel like we aren't useful for ourselves it must mean that other see us that way, too).
So, to make this just a liiittle bit more complicated, from a young age we are thought that waking up late means that we are lazy (or whatever). So waking up at noon is late - right? It means that you overslept, you wasted your day, etc and it generates bad feelings.
But it's all about perspective.
I've used to work night shifts. If I would wake up at 4pm now I would feel like crap, but back than waking up after night shift at 4pm was actually "early" and I had sooo much time from that day left.
So to tie everything together.
I think that my morning panic attack start because I don't set my alarm clock and I really don't have a reason to do so. But, maybe the first feeling I get after waking up, still not conscious totally is - *"OMG, you overslept your alarm and you will be late to a thing and you will not be productive, you just wasted your entire day!!"*.
It all happens in a split second, my heart starts to race and it's to late to calm myself down. Also, it's initial feeling I get after waking up before I could even comprehend what time it really is or rationally say "it's late" or "I f* up today".
That would be my theory. Maybe morning panic attack are all about not feeling productive because of how we were raised (and this is same in every country and race and religion and...) and could be stopped if we would just - set alarm even if we don't really have anything that important planned for that day.
Waking up at noon without alarm clock is oversleeping, **but** waking up at noon by your alarm is - waking up at right time, when you supposed to wake up, because that is what alarms clocks are for - to tell us when it's "right time" to wake up.
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self.Anxiety
|
My strength is running out. I'm only eighteen, and had a pretty rough past. I've never felt any love coming from my mom, despite knowing she loves me. My dad often left because of his work when I was a kid, and always felt abandoned. A big chunk of the fucking people I met have either betrayed me or taken advantage of me at some point. I'm not someone who has to constantly be with people to be happy, but I need to feel love.
I care about them. I make time for them. I even sometimes buy gifts for them. And it shits out. They end up shitting on me. As always. I'm fucking done with that.
Recently, a friend of mine flaked twice on me, and I really felt like she was ditching me and not saying it. I got angry and she left, and since then, no news from her. I tried to apologise for my shit, but again, I fucked it up. I've not heard from her in weeks, and I come to the point I purposely sleep a lot to avoid thinking. I loved her so much. I miss her so much it's been killing me. I've had a bad crush just before, and she left me just when I needed her the most. I showed her my most sensitive side, and cried in her arms two days before she ditched me.
I destroy every fucking thing I touch, and I nuke every fucking positive thing I manage to get, to the point I'm deathly afraid of doing that with my 3 wonderful close friends. I'm afraid to get close to people because I'm just a mess. I'm overly emotional, I get anxious over the smallest stuff, I'm overly afraid of being abandoned, and never feeling like I'm doing enough. The slightest shit is enough to make me feel either rejected or guilty. I've been told I was melodramatic, but fuck you, I'm just emotional. I guess I'm some mentally messed-up woman, but I'm still a human being who deserves love. Why don't people give me back what I give them? Am I that fucking selfish to ask for just a little back? Is that too much to ask to wish for someone who would get me fully? I have my friends. But one of them doesn't get me fully, the other isn't often here because of her studies, and the third one, despite being the one that's closest to me, has the same time issue.
I just wish I could stop everything. I want to take rest. I want to stop thinking, feeling, and seeing. I'd love to shut out all of my senses. If I'm talking about suicide here, it's because I've come to a point I'm no more able to take it. I started smoking because I hold on desperately to life, despite feeling at my worst lately. The pain of the smoke in my mouth reminds me I'm still here. It reminds me I still live. I think the last bit that holds me alive is my group of friends, my great-aunt, and cigarettes, really. But god how I'd love to swallow my whole pack of Xanax with some strong alcohol, after writing my last poem, and telling life 'Good job, you win!'. And then I'd look at all these fuckers. "Oh shit, I should've not done that" Good job, ass. It's too late now. Enjoy your guilt, and enjoy your broken life. It will teach you to care about the ones who care about you, fucker.
It always goes that way: people give a shit about you only when you kick the bucket.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Can anyone point me toward advice for parent with anxiety? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Anyone hate making the effort to hang out with friends Im never the best friend in a situation, even if I contribute a lot to a conversation and make it fun, I'm never in the friend group. I always have to ask.
Im friends with most of them but I always feel left out after everything is over and done with. I come home to an empty apartment with no one but myself and I always lose my mind over how I could've done things differently in the past to be better friends with someone.
I fucking hate this gut wrenching feeling that I'm so fucking alone. I hate living and seeing people enjoying what is the time of their life while I'm here losing my damn mind.
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self.depression
|
Anxiety about /r/Anxiety I want to post here but I have anxiety about posting here and I'm scared my problems are too little to be heard. :/
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self.Anxiety
|
When I accept that I'm a loner, people flock to me. Yet when I want that, no one does? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Going to the animal shelter today wish me luck Im pretty anxious. Not knowing what to expect kind of wrecks me. ☹
Edit: I was soooo nervous the car ride there. However when I entered it wasn't that bad. Soon I even saw someone from my school and I actually kind of formed a friendship with them. It went very well.
Edit 2.0 I'm at a concert and literally am shaking because I'm so nervous but eh it's all good 🙃🔫
Edit 3.0 lol jk I'm good
|
self.Anxiety
|
Odd: Suicide is what keeps me going. Anyone else? I recently thought to myself the following: **'If I was given the choice to either end my life prematurely right here right now, or never have the option of killing myself ever again, being forced endure everything life throws at me with no escape... what would I choose?'**
I would choose the premature suicide. The thought of never having an escape is too horrifying for me to entertain. So, in a sense... the primary reason I continue to push through all the shit that life has chucked at me, is because at the back of my mind I know I have a plan B. A get-out-of-life free card.
Writing the above brought another revelation to me. I hope it doesn't sound pretentious. You know how some people say that God gives them the strength to live, fight and better themselves. They have God behind their back, watching and ready to catch them if they fall. In a way, that's what suicide is to me. It serves the purpose of a God - it's always there for me to fall back onto when things get too hard and unbearable. I can trust it to be there regardless of my actions and my 'sins'. It doesn't judge; it's just there, like a guide to a better 'life', or rather, lack there of.
Just a couple thoughts I opted to share. I found it... inspiring. I'm fucking weird.
Thanks for reading. Everyone have a bearable day. Bye.
P.S. I'm not glorifying suicide: just sharing how its existence can be comforting, without actually going through with it.
|
self.depression
|
Family are moving away Hi Reddit, just need to get this off of my chest so thought id post here.
Basically I moved from New Zealand to the UK when I was three and since then my dad has constantly saying that he has no desire to move back there whatsoever. He’s since got a new girlfriend of three years and she has 3 kids and now they are moving back to New Zealand in September when I go back to university.
I have the option to go back over there after I’ve finished uni however going back to New Zealand is my last resort.
I’m 20 years old, I’ve grown up here and all of my friends are here, my biggest worries and issues are that at times like Easter and Christmas when all of my Uni friends have gone home for the holidays I won’t have anywhere to stay back in my hometown. I have no family back here either so that isn’t really an option.
The worst thing for me is that they didn’t even ask for my opinion on the matter, they just said they were going so now I have 7 months till I go to university but i have no idea what I’m going to do after I finish university as I’ll be in a load of debt and no cash and no house.
Any advice would be great but really just wanted to get this off of my chest.
|
self.offmychest
|
I don't like hanging out with her anymore? am I a bad person? [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
I finally had the courage to seek help... Yesterday I finally had the guts to make an appointment with a psychologist...
I looked for a good psychologist a few weeks back and had his contact info always on my phone.
Yesterday I finally made the decision to call there.
It took me half the day to finally pick up my phone but I canceled the call around 10 times because I was so scared...
But at some point I finally made the appointment and I'm really looking forward to it.
My situation is worsening with every day and I just can't keep on going like this.
I don't want to end myself so I think getting help is the smartest thing to do...
I hope it helps me to get better and I really look forward to my first talk with him.
I just hope it helps...
I don't know what to do if it doesn't...
|
self.depression
|
I ended up being desperate as the guys who when ignored from a girl keep asking for it (being ignored even more). [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
My Little Brother is depressed and it's killing him. Please help me understand what he's feeling I really need some assistance and advice. I have a younger brother (me and him are the youngest we have two older brothers as well) and he's well over "obese". He's only 5'5 (short for a guy yeah) and is nearly 500 pounds. I love him to death (as he's the only little sibling I have) but he's too big for his size. And he's only just out of high school. I don't want him to continue gaining weight and lose him, he's got our entire family scared for him. I'm older than him by three years but our older brothers had to take custody of him and me when he was barley 12 and when I was 15. Our eldest brother was 20 at the time and able to take us (our parents lost custody because of things i want to pass off for now), and I think that's why he's really letting himself go. He's seriously depressed and he doesn't want to do anything anymore. He doesn't want to socialize or go out there and he wants to do is eat himself to death. He eats throughout the day and won't stop. He's always been bigger than other kids but the weight really went up when we took custody of him.
I feel to blame for this as do our older brothers. We were never around over the years, I was busy with my life and my older brothers had to work a lot, working AT LEAST one job each. He was left to eat whatever was in the house and we allowed junk food. Now we're trying to turn everything around, before we lose him, but he's very unmotivated. He doesn't want anything to do with just _living_ and it's scaring me (us). He just gives up now. He used to be very energetic and funny and loud and just all out, now he locks himself away. He's almost bed bound and doesn't leave his bed unless to go to the lazyboy we have in the living room to play video games. I love him to death, but I'm scared for him. He currently has diabetes (Type 2), Hypertension (High blood pressure), and is on his way to worse things. He has breathing problems and at night needs his sleep apnea machine, and his joints are always in pain. He tried to hide it but we notice it more than he thinks.
He completely rejects the healthy food we cook him. He doesn't say anything and just leaves it there. Then we'll find him forcing himself up and desperately searching through cabinets and the fridge for junk food. We've tried ridding the house of junk food but he tried going out on his own to get some. Which is bad because...
1. In our area, he could easily get jumped. His size makes him an easy target and he's still (in our eyes) just a kid. We love him and don't want to hear on the news about him being dead or getting "that" phone call from the local hospital.
2. There's a liquor store right on our corner where he will buy a bunch of junk from and will bring it home and eat himself to death if we let him.
We try managing him but it's extremely difficult. One time I sat him down and told him what would happen if he kept eating. He didn't care and just said food makes him happy. And its true; it's the only thing that makes him smile anymore. Not even games or comics do that anymore for him or even a good joke. He's constantly upset and we all see it. He gets into fights with my immediate older brother all the time (only because he cares and is worried for my younger brother but can't show it well) about his weight and diet.
And he's inabling my eldest brother and his girlfriend to start a family. They want to have a baby (hopefully a girl) but because of my younger brother, we have to pay so much for his clothes, medicine, and other things. We all live in the same house and we all share a bed (me and my intermediate brother share a queen, we're brothers so we don't see it as weird), my eldest brother and his girlfriend have a queen, and my little brother has a queen to himself, but if his weight keeps up, we'll need a king.
Please, please, help my brother before it's too late. He's not at all violent or bratty he just needs some help. He's so quiet we forget he lives with us most days. And he doesn't want to talk to us or instigate any socialization. How do you get someone depressed to be motivated to save their life? I'm worried he's doing this on purpose. So he'll die faster or something, maybe it's his way of suicide??? I don't know, but we can't lose him. We love him too much.
So please help me understand him and find a way to save him. We're all so desperate 'cause he's a great kid. He has a golden heart... He just has some self hate issues right now.
|
self.depression
|
Confirmatory Bias So, you know how people always tell you that you're not awful, that not everything is your fault? And then, suddenly, you do something awful that could never have happened without you?
My point is, I'm an awful human being who screwed up again and I think things would be better if I could just die and stop inciting such incidents.
|
self.depression
|
Wanted to sleep, but end up unable to sleep, anyone experience this? Sometimes i feel the sensation of "shock" when i'm just started to sleep, end up awake again, it seems my brain is so stress and tension, i just can't relax my mind although i want to, anyone feeling the same? How you react or do when you just can't sleep.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Confessing my feelings to my best friend I have this group of friends that I've known for a very long time and we're pretty close. We did everything together! The only girl in the group and I were really close to the point where the others would occasional crack a joke about how we liked each other. I was never good at making friends so she was pretty much the only girl I knew, and one that was giving me a lot of attention so yeah I did eventually start liking her.
For the life of me I can't remember why I brought myself to do this but I ended up sending her a text telling her that I liked her. I never got a reply back and she never talked to me about it and to this day we still pretend it never happened. None of our other friends even know about this. It's still the biggest regret that I have because I feel like I created a gap between us from the awkwardness. It feels like I lost my best friend because of one stupid text. Things have never been the same between us and it's been years! We still do things with our group of friends and still talk to each other but most of the time it'll be when we're with everyone else. After hanging out and the others start leaving, if it looks like it'll be just the two of us, one of us will make an excuse to leave so we don't have to be alone together.
... I just want my best friend back.
|
self.offmychest
|
want to stop living but don’t want to hurt the people that care about me [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
About to try antidepressants and everyone has an opinion about it. TW: needle phobia
I’m so tired of having to justify my life experiences to people. It seems since I’ve decided to try antidepressants people have to have an opinion on it. How do you get them to stop?
I mentioned it briefly at work and one guy I work with kept trying to tell me it was a bad idea and it’ll change my personality. Apparently his opinion of my life was valid because he studied med - even though we work in the same marketing office. Like why? And I had to explain my extensive seven year therapy history with him to get off my case. A ‘friend’ sent my an article from the Guardian about a guys book and his experiences with depression and how taking medication isn’t the answer to my anxiety. I’m already really anxious about this and I don’t need more anxiety you know? No one gave this much protest when my heart valve was replaced with a pigs valve. It’s medication and trial and error here.
I had to have a full health panel blood test today before the doctor will let me take these meds. It’s not like it’s being taken lightly. Separate rant, when you tell a nurse you have a fear of needles she shouldn’t continue to ask about needles and your fear of them. She legit was like ‘numbing cream only numbs your skin you’ll still feel it.’ What is wrong with people?
Honestly I’m so sick of it and I’m so upset that I just don’t want to take them and have people judge me. I’m already struggling. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to make it stop, please? Or how to get through it? Snappy retorts would be good.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I fully intend on killing myself this Monday, December 18, 2017 I know most suicides are due to impulsive behavior, but honestly I've been planning this for awhile. I've been experiencing clinical depression since the age of 8 and was diagnosed around 10. I'm 16 now, and considering that for half of my entire life I've been depressed, I don't think it's worth going on anymore if this is what it's like. I'm not looking for sympathy, I just felt like I needed to tell somebody.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Kidney stone, urinary infection and the flu and all I can think about is losing you. I hope one day you'll love me again, or work with me to fix things. I know I wasn't perfect but I can be so much more
|
self.offmychest
|
Weird/Dark intrusive thoughts? I’ve had anxiety, depression for as long as I can remember. And bad paranoia in waves. Intrusive thoughts have been a problem for me in the past but currently I am giving up some bad habits in my life and the intrusive thoughts are even annoying and more frequent.
They don’t even feel like my thoughts. Like my anxiety is throwing them into my mind just to make me feel uncomfortable and stressed. I dealt with this when I was a kid and now that I’m paranoid again it’s back. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I’m not very social so I stay inside a lot.
I think it might be my anxiety, paranoia and the stress of giving up these bad habits all combined.
I just want to know if I’m not alone. If others have dealt with thoughts that were intrusive and didn’t feel like their own.
|
self.Anxiety
|
My first tat.. hoping to inspire someone https://imgur.com/gallery/6taFq
For every depth I submerge and sink to, I'll swim hard up and rise to the surface. For every atmospheric flight that finally gives way to gravity going down, I'll crash into those same safe waters. Floating in the ocean, I realize that the sparkling light blue isn't possible without the reflection of the sun's flames. These ups and downs that seem so black and white are what actually bring color to life. And so for that I am grateful, feeling the highest highs and lowest lows because without them I'd never experience that peace and reflection between.
The period is a reference to a Carl Sagan quotation where he calls Earth a pale blue dot. In this we recognize the importance of feeling alone in order to feel a part of something.
The original Emerson quotation had a colon which I changed to a semi colon to represent that link between inner self and realizing that which is the human condition, we all feel and live by the same emotions though through different experiences. Iron is an essential mineral in all living things, yet is present in only very small amounts. Without it we are very weak. It's the strength and resilience that pulls us together in our innately fragile condition, we are held with only a single string.
The quotation is on my left to represent trust in myself while my right side represents trust in a higher power (i.g. the right hand of God, though I don't personally subscribe to a religion).
|
self.bipolar
|
My ex dumped me because he doesn't understand that relationships take work. I sacrificed so much of my life to be able to just hang out and do nothing with him, which I enjoyed. I saved up all of money and pushed back my career so I could spend more time with him. But me saying "I would like you to plan one date" meant the end of the world for him, for some reason. It was like I had insulted his core being. He never really tried. He expected a 4-year relationship to be just as natural as it was when we were 20 years old.
We're adults now, and I just wanted some sort of effort from him to show that he was still in love with me. I wanted him to flirt with me the way he secretly flirted with that girl on Facebook Messenger. Isn't that fucked up? I felt like ever since he moved to Atlanta, he was hiding me and the fact that we dated. I think he wanted a fresh start.
I don't think he realizes that being happy doing nothing with someone and not working on a relationship are two different things. It's a naive way of looking at a relationship -- to want one where you put forth no effort and expect it to work just as it used to. Maybe he will find it with someone who expects less. Maybe I expected too much from him. Either way, I hope he finds what he's looking for.
|
self.offmychest
|
Anyone else feel like they don’t have a place they can go to get away? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
What if I'll never be enough Maybe I'll just suck forever. If so, then what's the point of living :/
|
self.depression
|
Sinking in quick sand, and losing hope of getting out I've had depression since I was 6 years old. It was hard, and I didn't really understand what was wrong with me, but regardless, I've always found a way to eventually pull myself up and cope. But lately I've been really struggling. It's starting to become more than I can bare. I'm finding it harder than ever to fight a complete breakdown that's been building up in me for years. And its gotten so bad that I worry what will happen when, what feels like inevitably, I finally explode. I fear it will ruin everything, my house, my relationships, myself, and I don't know what to do. I used to be able to force myself to be productive, to get out of bed, to put on a brave face, but lately it's taking every ounce of my energy just to... Well, to exist. I try to find momentum, something to get me going so that I don't sink, but I feel I've been standing still to long. Just going through the motions, not having time for my mental health, standing stagnant in the quick sand. Now I fear I've sunken too deep to pull myself out this time. I fear my future is flickering, that I'll just become a mentally ill nothing. I cant even tell you how many hours I've wasted just sitting, staring at the wall, fighting a hopeless battle in my head. I'm barely in reality anymore, my hardships now define me. My family is frustrated with me, I'M frustrated with me. I'm trapped in fighting this ever-growing insanity. If anyone reading this has been through this and gotten past it, PLEASE tell me how. I'm losing my will to fight.
|
self.depression
|
worried about my hearth I have gad and panic disorder and depression, the most thing im focused on is my heart. I read some reports saying anxiety increases CVD and heart fatalities by a significant amount. I usally feel my heart pumping when I exercise, pick stuff up, walk vigorsly and go to sleep. Sometimes I get a jolting heart skipped beat or a fluttering effect after one. Ive seen a doc a few times to do an echo and stress test they couldnt find anything. anyone in my boat or maybe I should do some more extnesive testing to be sure? Ive had palps since 5 years ago, but these seem to be getting worse this year. I live a VERY sedentary lifestyle.
|
self.Anxiety
|
i have written the note ive planned it all out. written it in my notebook. now i just need to go through with it.
thinking of doing it by the end of the month. but i'm still scared, i dont want to die. but it's the only solution.
people care. they just don't care enough.
and i have given too much, and gotten too little in return.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
She is the best gf I've ever had and she adores me, but I'm not attracted to her longer (I think) I met my SO during summer break from school through tinder and instantly hit it off. I've never been on a date that where I was so comfortable and confident. We kissed on the first date and it was romantic and almost too perfect.
The summer went by and we were together all the time. I brought her to parties and we went out to museums. When the summer ended I decided to break up with her, since we were starting at schools 6 hours from each other. It's a one-year school where the students sleep at the schools in dorms and we are about 100 people at the school. She wanted to try long distance relationship, but I didn't since I am to afraid of being cheated on and since I feel that i'm loosing the freedom to get to know other girls at the school, I decided to end it. She gave me a drawing which she made of us two and I started to cry, a lot. She told me that she didn't want to loose the contact because I she was the best man she's ever been with. She told me that finding me was like winning the lottery for her. Her devotion to me kept me from loosing all contact with her.
Through-out the year, people at school kept sleeping with each other and making relationship. Even though I wasn't in a relationship, I still felt like I couldn't pursue anyone because she kept mailing me presents and letters of how much she misses me. I thought that if I would burn all bridges to her if I slept with anyone or tried my luck because she felt like she was still together with me, and I didn't know what to feel.
I became attracted to other girls, but I didn't dare to pursue them because I didn't want to cheat, even though we weren't together.
Time goes by and i'm finally back at home for the holidays and she is as well, so we meet and rekindle, but still I have a nagging feeling in me. For some reason I am no longer AS attracted to her as was when we first met. I believe that because I've been in a half-assed relationship with her, that I feel like i've been trapped when being with her. She gave me this awesome personalized gift for christmas which made me sad because it was the most thoughtful gift i've ever received.
It hurts do much that the feelings have faded. I know it might not be true, but I feel like she's the most perfect person i've met for me. I will meet her tomorrow and tell her how I feel. Wish me luck
|
self.offmychest
|
Anyone with bipolar disorder have family members that are Undiagnosed and in denial about being bipolar? I have Bipolar disorde type 2 with basically every anxiety disorder. My dad's side of the family basically all have anxiety disorders but have not acknowledged they may have a problem and need to be formally diagnosed as far as I know. My father for sure has a problem as he has been in the hospital many times throughout my life with Atrial Fribulation thats resulted when he's under a lot of stress.
My mother is the one I'm not sure may have Bipolar disorder or some kind of disorder. Her mood is up and down, where one day she'll be absolutely vicious and will find a way to be verbally vicious to anyone around her. Of course to her family she will be meaner, but to friends she'll just make snarky remarks. And then maybe the next day she will be so sweet and just the best mother I could ever ask for. Her and I will get into pretty bad fights where we have even been violent and I'm not proud of it but she gets so mad over a mistake I've made and then I can't take it anymore and we will get into a fight of course it's 99 percent of the time just verbal abuse. I'm in my 20s and it's embarrassing that this is still happening but I've noticed a patters, her and my grandma are the same way. What do you guys may think this is? Any help
|
self.bipolar
|
Maybe this is Hell... Maybe I died somewhere along the way and what I’m being forced to endure now is what Hell is... watching my peers succeed and feeling my parents disappointment in me while I struggle to escape into anime/video games because I can’t face the fact that I’m not cut out for real life... it hurts
|
self.depression
|
Life's a grinch and then you die.. I feel sad and empty inside. I've lost many friends in the past few months, i have nothing to look forward to, and i've been skipping College for almost a week now. It just feels like i'm stuck in this black hole, and staying in bed just seems like the best option right now.
My ex-girlfriend is bashing me with past events, my 'best friend' is taking her side. I can't hold serious conversations with one of the only friends i have, and my parents think everything is going great.
I dont know how to get out of this circle of sadness..
Positive motivation will be much appreciated ❤
|
self.offmychest
|
Blowing head off if I don’t follow/peruse my dreams Which sucks because my dreams seem extremely far fetched, So Im at an impasse and I don’t know what to do about it, please don’t tell me the answer is to “just don’t kill yourself”
My mind is not that simple.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Tonight, I'll have a drink for all of you This has by far been one of the toughest years of my life, I hit rock bottom about a month ago and honestly thought I'd never get away from it. I was gonna sit in tonight feeling shit, playing games but I've decided to go out and get drunk. Cheers to all of you! Here's to tomorrow, it might be shit, it might not but I'll drink to both
|
self.depression
|
Word vomit. Here comes the everything. 27wm suffering for years, need to vent So in about 4 days is my birthday. And suddenly im 28. Where as much of life is way better than it has been in the past, (romantic/professional). I feel like i keep making the same mistakes, the worst part is that when i fuck up ( lying, compulsive shady behavior) I feel completley out of my body, its like im there but in no way am i in control. Im so sick of the manic cycling and time bomb of emotions inside. the best ive ever known to do is swallow them, but then they just boil over even more. I just want something different, and i just want to understand my brain so i can get better
|
self.bipolar
|
I had an appointment with cardiologist, oncologist, dermatologist and gynaecologist and I’m struggling to believe any of them. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Left an amazing share house in a moment of stress and anxiety [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
I got unfriended by an Internet friend and I don’t know why it makes me sad A rather mellow venting.
I tried to reach out to someone I interacted with here on Reddit. I thought it would’ve been fun to actually befriend someone who has the same interests as you do. So, I added him on the PlayStation Network. I thought we were both having a great time playing a video game or talking about whatever there is under the sun, including some of our mutual interests. Just having someone to talk to, nerd out, etc. helps me get through the daily grind.
One game night I invited him to play with me, but he didn’t respond at all. He’s online in the game. Maybe he’s got some things to do solo. So, I left him alone. Two days later I realized that he had unfriended me on the PSN. I tried to message him, asking whether if I did or said something wrong to no reply.
I thought we got it going on, you know. Like it actually proves that you can befriend someone over the worldwide web. But alas, I guess you can’t. I don’t wanna mention you, but if perchance you’re reading this, I’m sorry for whatever reason had driven you to unfriend me.
Thanks for the conversations. It meant a lot. I mean it.
|
self.offmychest
|
Sometimes I feel really nostalgic of the times before I felt like shit every day. Some nights I stay up wishing I could go back to being that carefree. Anyone else?
|
self.depression
|
So i was banned from r/history. I was manic and dont know what I wrote to get banned. Anyway I enjoy history as I was and am quite good at it. Now they call me a troll. Any way you know of to get reinstated?
|
self.bipolar
|
You lied and hurt me but I can’t get over you. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
This week I shall be mainly hiding in bed Another sheaf of Job rejection slips this week, I got one interview and lost it again with an ill advised mail. Extreme low BUT hiding under the bedcovers is helping smooth things out. I am warm, the terrors are all outside. I should be thankful that even in middle age, occasionally simple fire breaks still work.
There is also something incredibly naughty about laying in bed all day, unwashed, unshaven and ignoring all the stuff I am supposed to be doing.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Life My family loves me. I'm only 17. I have a couple of close friends. I'm not broke, my house has heat, I have a Nintendo Switch. I laugh...
I was fine until I saw this girl. "Speak to her." Hah! Thanks, but it's never so easy. She's plagued my mind, she's all I think about. She's destroying my mind and she doesn't even know me.
I see her every single day. All I do is dwell. Dwell she's not mine. It's my own fault. I'm the one who stays quiet. Well, she does too, of course, but I think you catch my drift.
I was fine. Now I'm not. I'm literally losing my fucking mind. Abusing disgusting amounts of various vile medications provided by my father's prescriptions. I've noticed a difference in my brain since I've touched those pills. I'm actually losing it.
Anxiety. Depression. Insanity. Bipolar. Lost in a pitch black labyrinth called "Life". Therapist is nice but, talking about your fever won't cure it. Fuck Zoloft, Prozac, you name it, fuck it. My mind is becoming like a messy room.
On the verge of a noose. Is this the end? Is this life? Am I done for? We ask these questions. Redundancy.
|
self.depression
|
First time seeing a new therapist didn't go so well.. I said to her that I feel as if life itself is pointless. Her response.. Life is not pointless, life is pointless for you. You should set a goal for yourself. (me in my mind: Oh really haven't thought of that genius) Oh yeah also, go to the gym 3 days a week it will make you feel better. (me in my mind: If I could I would not be sitting here) Seriously how can she be a therapist, she must have studied psychology at least. She is saying stuff that a parent or friend would say trying to help you. From them I can understand ignorance and put it in perspective, but a therapist. Please c'mon, somehow she managed to make me feel worse.
|
self.depression
|
I just posted my first facebook rant about something. It was on the concept of social status. My anxiety is going crazy halp! I was motivated to do this partially because of all the friends I have that constantly try to belittle me, but also to overcome my anxiety of sharing my thoughts online as I want to get into blogging. In the post i mentioned how we (society) didnt have to play the social hierarchy game because we are all just defending ourselves and few are truly judging. I also said not to be too hard on those playing the game because they are fighting a battle themselves. I linked to a video on it that I liked.
I immediately logged out of facebook on all devices so I can't see notifications. My anxiety was killing me at first because I think it was probably a weird thing to post about. Rereading my post actually soothed me though because I realized how ironic my anxiety is. I don't have to play the game and care what people think. Yet still a part of me wants to know... was this a weird post to make?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Been on my mind for a while, just want to get rid of it. Before I being I am on a throwaway just so none of my friends sees this post and knows that it is me, i will have the thread bookmarked so i will come back to it.
I’m a 20-year-old boy and I have felt like crap for the last seven years roughly. Issues such as family, education and friends. I’ll just break down each area and just get it off my chest.
First of with family, I really don’t like talking about things going on in my direct family (Mum, dad sister and brother) to other people. I have noticed over the years how badly I have been parented, basically helicoptered my whole life. I didn’t have a lot of freedom when I was younger, there wasn’t a lot of trust in what I was going to do, don’t know why. Having the thoughts that my parents were going to grill me on everything I did outside of their control. My little sister is suicidal, and no one knows outside of my close family, she is bulimic and cuts a lot. She mainly blames it on my Mum, but who knows she is 13 and it is going to be hard for her. Because of what my sister is doing, my Mum is very protective of everything we do, and she thinks that I have no real issues as I don’t like, or feel comfortable opening to how I feel just in case it breaks her anymore.
My Dad had promised to my Mum 10 years ago that he would quit smoking, guess what, he didn’t. About 2 years ago my Mum caught him smoking and he got kicked out of the house for about a week, I seen papers in the kitchen about filing a divorce and advice about going about it. But after about a week he was back, and everything was fine, but wouldn’t you guess, he is smoking again, and he thinks that no one knows. I go into college three days a week, so I’m usually at home for the rest of the week and he usually smokes out the back when he thinks I can’t tell. My window is always open, and I can smell the smoke from him, and I have nearly walked outside to him smoking but he flicked it away, but the smoke was still lingering, and tried to pass it off as nothing. If I was to tell my mum, they would 100% get divorced, they have been married 15 years and I don’t want to say anything in case they were to split up.
When I was younger I had a group of friends that I ran about with in my housing estate, we all basically met each other when we were 7. We talked and were always out with each other for around 10 years until one year they just sort of cut ties with me. No explanation still to this day, one day they all just blocked me on everything and refused to ask me out anywhere; this has made me very self-conscious and anxious for a long time. You could say I was getting bullied or something but who knows, but because of it I have been very self-conscious with what I do and how I look which sort of led me to having social anxiety. I have acne as well, which if anyone has had it before it is awful, proper awful I hate it, I hate looking at it and hate thinking of what others think about it. I have tried nearly everything over the past 5 years and only now it is slowly going away, but I honestly think that my face won’t be the same.
I have been on the job search for over a year now, this is because I want money, but it isn’t too important because of student loans, but also the pressure that my parents are putting on me to get one. My anxiety is really hurting my expectations of getting a job because I keep overthinking everything, which is annoying as I know it isn’t going to bad, I’m just thinking like that.
College is shitty because our class gets barely any support from under qualified teachers, but we are blamed for worth ethic even though the teachers have had countless reports filed on them for being useless. I don’t feel comfortable talking to my head of year because he really doesn’t like me because he thinks I’m de-motivated due to lack of enthusiasm I put into my work. I really want to do well because I want to go to University just to get away from my family and make new friends and life experiences, if I don’t get in I really don’t know what I’m going to do. For reference I’m studying computing.
I have had suicidal thoughts, just because I thought I couldn’t carry on living like this, but I have never attempted anything. The thought of what it would do to my family and my friends, I just wouldn’t want to leave them on that note.
To anyone that read that wall of text, thank you, it may have had bad grammar and it probably wasn’t as structured as it should have been but thanks. I will have this bookmarked, so I can read any replies.
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self.offmychest
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