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Holding on by a thread I’m struggling. The last couple months, I have thought of ending my life. It’s more than the last couple months. I’ve struggled with it since I was 14, so half of my life. I just can’t handle it anymore. I lost my job that I loved so much due to my mental illnesses. My parents are at the end of their rope even though I’m trying as hard as I can to get another job. I feel like such a failure. My life is falling apart and I don’t know how to fix it. Everyday is such a struggle. I just want things to end. January is my end date. January 10th. Either I end it or I go back to the mental hospital. I’ve already been there in May, June, July, September and November. I don’t know how they could help me. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m an adult woman who is unemployed and living with her parents. I’m just tired and done. So very tired. I don’t want to fight it anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My right leg. I broke my leg the other day. Well. More than that. I fell while bouldering at a gym (not my first time - hand slipped off the rock at about 3m off the ground), I fell awkwardly, with my shoe getting caught on the mat as I fell. I broke my tibia and fibula right below the knee, and my femur crushed my knee, leading to surgery to reconstruct my knee. They also put 2 plates and a handful of pins below my knee to brace my bones, as I can't have a cast, due to my need to move my knee to recover.
I've been in the hospital three hours from home since Sunday mid-afternoon and was originally planning to get home Monday before this all happened. It's now Thursday morning.
There's just so much shit going on. I won't be able to put any pressure on my leg for 8-10 weeks and I work on and around fishing boats. I was pretty damn broke before this happened and now I won't be able to work at all for a while.
Before this happened there was a lot going on. My grandpa was diagnosed with terminal, untreatable cancer of the stomach and bowels just under a month ago. His wife, my grandma, has MS and her condition has worsened due to the stress of my grandpa's diagnosis. As it is, she's already in a scooter and only has mobility in one hand left. My other grandma, who I've always been very close with, has dementia that's progressed really severely recently. She's forgetting how we're related, lives home alone and I am so worried about her.
I live on opposite coasts from my grandpa and grandma with MS and a 16 hour drive from my other grandma's place. My grandpa is expected to pass away within a few weeks and my mom said it's unlikely that I'll be able to go to his celebration of life because of my injury and it being a 7 hour flight. This is breaking my heart. I want to be there for my family and the moment I landed and knew I at least had broken my leg, I just felt awful for adding more stress to everyone's lives through this.
My poor cat is at home and I've only been able to get my brother to check on him once on Tuesday since we left him Saturday morning. He's 13 and I was already leary to leave him alone for a two full days, as he's very anxious, but decided it would be less stress for him to leave him at home, than to bring him on this trip, where we would be travelling several hours each day and spending time with young kids who are too rough with him. I, of course, didn't think I'd be gone this long and feel like a horrible pet owner. I've had this cat since I was in seventh grade, I hate to leave him to suffer but I have no choice.
The staff at this hospital aren't helping matters either. I was told two nights ago that I could probably go home yesterday, but the night staff dropped the ball for my medication, so when physio came to get me up, I was in too much pain to move, even with the walker, which I was doing the night prior. Of course my surgeon stopped by at the same time, the only time I've seen him except for for a few minutes immediately following surgery. As a result, he wanted to keep me longer.
Half an hour later, once my pain was manageable, I was able to go up and down four stairs with crutches, which impressed the physio staff, because this is a painful injury and apparently I did it "smoothly". As this was my only physio requirement to go home, I was feeling pretty good and thought that it only made sense that they'd let me go now that my pain was controlled and I could do what I needed to. Nope.
Nurse said the swelling was too bad on my calf for her to discharge me. I've been mentioning the swelling and asking for a tensor bandage for my calf for the past two days and she told me that it 'wasnt an issue' so... wtf.
So again, tonight, night staff is not answering my calls and turning off the alarm, coming to see me and then ignoring my requests, or coming to see me claiming "I'm probably not due for medication" (uhh I am, I'm paying attention to the time and it's been two hours over the required period) and not taking responsibility for my poor care, when I explain my frustrations.
A few nights ago, they left me on a bedpan for over 10 minutes, while I rang the bell repeatedly, and they shut off the alarm every time. It spilled all underneath me in my bed. Im worried now that I haven't slept most of the night due to the pain and my frustrations with the staff and that I won't get the go-ahead to go home again because of the night-staff.
It's so brutal and I don't know who to talk to about it. My surgeon is impossible to track down, the day staff just apologizes for me having to go through that but says the night staff are understaffed, the physiotherapists don't stop by often and they seem to think I'm fine to go home. I've had so many staff come up and be like "oh just a tib-fib fracture?" And I have to explain my injury and treatment again. Like shouldn't they at least know this stuff before trying to move me? Most don't realize the extent of the injury and try to move me in a way that is way too painful for me to deal with. I'm worried that someone is going to do further damage to my leg.
I went from an active and healthy person to a bed-bound and helpless gimp so quickly. I'm on my period and had to have my boyfriend help me change a pad for God's sake. He's amazing and has been so helpful but I'm humiliated. I have no other family or very close friends nearby and I feel so lonely. I just want to get home.
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self.offmychest
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Idek anymore It’s 3am and i cant seem to get to sleep.. i’ve been so upset and i just don’t know what to do anymore.. im so depressed i put myself through so much fucking bullshit im always giving people chances im always there for people even when they don’t deserve me i’ve been used and taken advantage of and im just tired of it Im so close to just giving up on everything i dont even care about school anymore im so close to quitting my new job i cant do this anymore life is just way too stressful i don’t wanna deal with the shit im being put through i don’t have anybody there for me i cant go to anybody and talk to the about my problems nobody really gives a fuck about me im being pushed away by my boyfriend he doesn’t love me anymore and that’s what fucks me up the most i made him such a huge part of my life and now our relationship is deteriorating right in front of me and there isn’t shit i can do about it i tried talking to him and he says he wants things to work out he says he’s sorry he’s just been under a lot of stress idk what to fucking believe idk if i can trust him with that he doesnt text me anymore we barely talk i told him if we want things to work out we need to communicate more and he agreed but he’s still doing the same fucking shit i just don’t know what to do im under so much stress and im overwhelmed I don’t wanna keep going i’ve lost all hope and im in so much mental pain my anxiety is bad and so is my depression i just don’t know what the fuck to do with myself im just tired of the fucking bullshit
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self.SuicideWatch
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Saying suicide is selfish? A friend of a friend quite recently attemped to take her own life and I just sat down and talken about it with my three best friends, to of whom have been close friends with said suicide attemptee.
They were so angry, saying things like how selfish it was of her putting them and her family through all of that and so on. It just hit me like a brick, having seriously contemplated suicide, truly understanding all of the suffering it would cause my loved ones but contemplating it anyway beacuse of the imense pain I’m in myself.
It would never occur to me that suicide is selfish, never ever and hearing my best friends say such a thing just really hurt me, I felt so distant from them in that moment and it was just so horrible. I guess I just needed to vent. How do you explain to someone who hasn’t felt it themselves what suicide really means?
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self.depression
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Can not sleep..... its been 29 hours im feeling so bad i dont really know what do to. and im tired but i cant sleep.....
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self.depression
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Is anyone actually ever happy, or are they just faking it? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Does anyone ever think about waking up in another life if you choose to end it all? This is something that I have thought about for a while now, mulling it over in my mind constantly. It is something that is equally curios and terrifying for me. I don't want to wake up in another life, I didn't even want to be born in this life. I'm not one to believe in reincarnation, but it does seem like a more viable theory than all the other after-life theories.
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self.depression
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Nostalgia I'm always thinking about the past, about how happy I was with virtually no worries. I wish I could go back. I wish she was here with me.
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self.depression
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Why do I hurt? And how can I get it to stop? So, bit of background, end of August/early September my depression was coming back hard to the point where I almost needed meds. And then a very close friend of mine committed suicide.
It pushed me over the edge and I got in to see my doctor after the funeral to get on meds. Honestly, my entire body has been aching ever since he passed. From my toes all the way up into my teeth, I hurt. Some days it's worse, but it's always there. It feels like it's in every system in my body, my joints, my bones, my muscles, even my skin feels painful at times.
Anyways, my doctor got meon citalopram. At first it was working,but with the holidays coming up and past crap coming back up, and a few other stresses that i'd be better off without, it doesn't seem to be quite enough. Thankfully I'm in with my doctor on Tuesday but this physical pain is getting unbearable. Not to mention the lack of motivation for anything, but when I do try to do something it hurts so much that I'm in agony even trying to push myself through to what I would normally accomplish easily. I just want it to stop.
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self.depression
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I can’t cope with my feelings I really like this girl and she knows it but she doesn’t like me but we’ve had sexual contact and it seems like we’re always getting into awkward stares and I just don’t know what to do I want to disappear but Idk where I would hide
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self.offmychest
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Today is the end My mother just find out I didn't go to college all the semester, and didn't pass, she's so angry... I'm sorry I'm sorry, she just don't understand depression all she cares about is her money who it's being wasted on me, this is my 3rd year already im fucking hopeless don't want to deal with this shit, hope you all can get better bye
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self.SuicideWatch
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What happiness is. I’d just like to remind everyone here that you don’t need constant euphoria to be happy. Happiness is when, despite the inevitable negative aspects of your life, you always feel at peace and, even if you’re unhappy right now, you’re at least satisfied knowing the future may be more positive.
Before you dismiss this completely, thinking that it’s not easy to feel this way in your current circumstances, you should realize that I’m not telling you the solution is to magically have a positive outlook on life. This is the goal, not the method. Even if you’re not satisfied or at peace now, you should try to escape that state, even if you can’t right now. There’s always some way out, even if by doing it you’re risking a lot, and if that’s the only way, you have nothing to lose anyway, don’t you?
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self.depression
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Does anyone else feel that it’s impossible that just “anxiety” could be making you feel this way? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I want to apologize for existing I really want to apologize to my 'friends?' For existing but I don't want them to worry about me. I just post about on here every couple months. I'm really sorry for being who I am I wish I could have the courage to end it but I don't I'm really sorry hopefully I'll be gone soon.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Recovering but confused?
My biggest confusion is how I got like this?
I’ve had a great life, a LOT of trauma such as my mum had cancer, my grandad who was like a dad to me died, my uncle died suddenly, two friends died of suicide and I went through a bad break up, all in the space of two years.
But then I look at others problems and feel really stupid feeling sorry for myself, I know it’s life.
I’ve been through a lot of other changes such as going to uni and it failing for me, I didn’t like it, I’ve never stuck at anything or had a proper job because I always run away from getting scared, I guess we could say I’ve always been confused as to what I want in life.
Im in a new relationship now, I moved back home to live with my grandma as she needs help so I help take care of her which is sometimes emotionally draining but I wouldn’t ever change that because I love her so much. I’ve also lived in Spain most of my life and now moved back to the UK so that’s another big change.
I feel like this all started when my friend committed suicide in the middle of February, I was very very confused and extremely shocked at it all. I’ve always pushed my feelings inside of me and not really shown them when it comes to BIG life issues such as death, whereas I am a very emotional person as I care way too much about others, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
I couldn’t believe he would do that to himself so I started to really really question life, then came intrusive thoughts as to when I saw a pair of scissors, I imagined hurting myself with them or hurting my boyfriend, which I would never ever ever do to myself or him, so those thoughts really really scared me because I’d NEVER thought or felt that way before.
Existential thoughts massively get to me too, the whole why are we here, what are we doing, what’s the point, are we all real? I even went as far as thinking that I wasn’t here and it was all a dream, I know it’s not but hey!
Then I went into a deep depression for like 2 weeks, I wouldn’t eat, sleep, do anything. I was in a constant state of fear over these thoughts and didn’t know what was happening to me and I even took myself to the hospital because I was determined and sure there was something going on such as an infection, because I had NEVER felt that low before in my whole life.
This has all been happening since middle of Feb, I became ADDICTED and still am, to google. I think if I’d never come across DP then maybe I wouldn’t of ever made myself believe I have it. I think reading horror stories and stuff has definitely brought on my symptoms.
I don’t think I can accept that I’m growing up, life is changing and I’ve experienced A LOT of signicant life changes the past few months.
Another issue of mine is that I’ve never finished something, such as holding a job down, starting a career (because I’ve never known what I wanted to do), I’ve never had a good sleeping schedule, always sleeping late nd waking up really late, I’ve never eaten healthy or correctly, I’ve never really exercised. All because I think I have no real self esteem or drive or motivation.
In a strange way, I’m glad this happened to me because it made me realise that enough is enough and I need to change certain ways of my life in order to become a better person emotionally, mentally and physically.
However I have become so obsessed with checking DP and anxiety forums, so obsessed with having DP that it has totally taken over my life, I think it’s some form of OCD.
I know deep deep down that there is nothing wrong with me. I’m an intelligent girl and I don’t think I could coherently write this message with all my feelings, if there was something severely wrong with me mentally. I think I’m just lost in life, as are many others.
However, I’ve become so scared of myself, of living I suppose. I would never harm myself or do anything because more than anything, I just want to LIVE again, like I did before but better.
I analyse everything I do, from looking at people to how I eat, I barely recognise myself in the mirror and feel like I’ve lost myself, I basically feel like I live in my own head and it’s affecting my relationship with others.
I know I need to get off these forums and just get on with my life but I feel like I’m scared to leave as I’ve become so used to living like this for two months that I don’t ever believe I could go back to a normal life and thinking pattern after this traumatic mental experience that has scared me so much.
I’ve been terrified of my thoughts, even though I know they were so stupid and just thoughts of an OCD and VERY tired mind. I know all the correct things I need to do to get myself out of this mess but I feel asif I’m missing something to get started? I’m also scared that I make myself think that I’ve heard something or seen something that isn’t there (probably because I’ve read up stuff about completely losing your mind and that is my BIGGEST FEAR).
If someone does something or says something and I didn’t quite hear them, I know what they said or did but I find myself having to ask them to make sure I myself definitely know they did do it or said it.
For example, I felt something behind me the other day and I knew my dog was behind me. In my old state of mind, I wouldn’t of even cared, but I had to turn round to just double check that it was definitely the dog. Sounds stupid I know, because I know exactly what it is deep down.
Im sorry for writing all this, it feels SO good to write it all down. I think my biggest fear is my new uncomfortable pereception of the world and everything. It feels so different but in a way it doesn’t, I know it’s just my anxiety.
Thanks so much. Any advice or help would be GREATLY appreciated. ❤️😊
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self.Anxiety
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Yo Double Post Just end my useless fucking life people. 1 up vote is all I need 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😉😉😉😊😊😉😉😉😉😊😉😉😉😉😅😉😉😉😉😉😉😉😉😉😉😉😉😉
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self.SuicideWatch
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GAD and depression, or adjustment disorder? I started seeing a therapist about a month and a half ago, only able to go every 2 weeks. After my 2nd time there she said it may just be an adjustment disorder, and that she could probably give me GAD, but didn't want to add on that and depression as well. Something about not wanting to just tack on disorders. I was wondering if it may be because I've only been there a few times, and she wants to wait and see what happens over time.
I've been struggling with anxiety since I was a child, and panic attacks started about 4 years ago. Depression didn't show up til this past January. I've told her this, and I get that she wasn't there to see it all. I saw a university counselor in the spring, but she mostly just helped with social anxiety, and I felt like she was ignoring the depression part.
I don't want to just tack on disorders either, but I've been feeling like this far longer than the 6 months for an adjustment disorder to qualify as something else. I know my current stressor, but when the same stressor was in my life this time last year I didn't feel this bad. Everything went to hell in the spring semester, when the stressor was gone. The stressor has made things bad again, but I can't get out of it for another month or so, though it's not as demanding from here on out.
I can see where she's coming from, but I don't want to argue. Maybe she's thinking it's because I'm still on a leash and in weekly contact with overprotective parents. Then the stressor this semester, plus a change in major. But I've been through all 3 before, and it's all gradually gotten worse. I already feel kinda bad for talking like I know what's going on, being a psychology major and all, but also limiting what I say because I'm an undergrad. She's been doing this for decades, so I should trust her judgement.
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self.Anxiety
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A change in my routine can ruin my day I'm always afraid of screwing up relatively simple tasks, and if I don't have explicitly clear instructions I just panic, as such, I love my routine, I love doing the same things everyday (provided said things progress, like reading a book, or studying in college), but whenever I get a new responsability to take care of it's a bloody nightmare, having to start commuting to college by bus left me anxious for a whole week before I started doing it, now there was a problem and people from college can't go with the bus, so they'll find us another transport, and just that simple change got me unnerved, just knowing it won't the same bus, at the same time, it makes me afraid I'll somehow miss it and everyone will think I'm an idiot, so even when I'm doing other things during the day I keep thinking of the time I'll have to go to college and how I don't exactly know what it's going to be like. How do I deal with this? I'm mortally afraid of making any kind of mistakes or doing new things on my own, I'm gonna be 19 this year I can't rely on other people helping me forever.
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self.Anxiety
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I’m sick of seeing people I care about suffering For the past year at least, I’ve been starting to notice that everyone I care deeply about always ends up feeling like they should hurt or even kill themselves and I’m sick of this. I’m so tired of it, I just want them all to be happy. I found out a week ago today that my best friend has been thinking about cutting himself and I just feel powerless. He left the party to go for a walk and I panicked looking for him, running around as he told me he was thinking about laying on the busy road in front of him. I found him and he kept telling me that death is just an ending of suffering. That it’s inevitable and that there’s no point in waiting. I couldn’t believe what he was saying, I just didn’t want to accept that my confident, smart, talented, funny, amazing best friend didn’t feel like he was good enough to live. I brought him back after a while, but I’m still shaken by it. A little later I found out that one of my old friends was cutting herself since grade 6 (that’s 6 years at this point). My ex girlfriend was suicidal and has borderline personality disorder, I cut myself for months and almost slit my wrists in April (that was the last night I self harmed), my sister told me she cut herself... my girlfriend told me she almost cut herself but stopped herself, her best friend, also a good friend of mine told me she’s depressed too, and so is another girl in my friend group. I’m just so sick and tired of seeing the people I care so much about, people who truly deserve so much better, want to hurt themselves or hate themselves. I feel like I can’t do enough to help them all, and I want to, but I know I need to help myself too, God knows I need it too. But I don’t want to put that pressure on them, they don’t need it. I don’t know how I’m gonna get through this, but I don’t believe in giving up, so there’s gotta be a way. I just hate knowing that those that I love are so unhappy with themselves... And sometimes I just feel like fate is out to get me. When I’m happy finally or something good happens, something terrible happens to someone I care about.
I don’t know why this is happening, I don’t know what I did or what any of them did to deserve this, but I know that none of them do. I’m just tired of going on like this... I want to breathe again, feel like I can rest easy knowing that none of my closest friends want to do things like that. I know it gets better eventually. I just want it to be as soon as it can be.
Sorry for the length, I just had a bit of a breakdown before writing this, I needed to get my thoughts down and get this out there. I’ve almost told my girlfriend but I still don’t know if I should, I don’t want to bring her down. My best friend will know soon even if I don’t tell him, but I think I should. Thank you for taking the time to read this, it truly means a lot.
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self.offmychest
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What is the easiest way to end it? Don't have a gun :-(
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self.SuicideWatch
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How do I start a conversation Do you guys have any tips on how to have a genuine conversation? It can be over text or in person it doesn’t matter I’m just really socially awkward when it comes to things like this. Thanks!
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self.Anxiety
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Family is like an obstacle for a life I'll be OK with [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I battled depression at a young age and won through the love of those who surrounded me. This is my story, I hope it gives you the strength to keep fighting and to help those around you. Hang in there. A while ago I was bullied a lot to the point that I didn't want to live. I eventually moved schools and was led out of depression from the love that I received from friends and family after moving schools. This is a story I wrote after years of reflection and I was told to share it with as many people as possible. With the hopes that it will impact the most lives I'm posting it here. So here it is:
To oppress. The online Encyclopedia defines oppress as to “keep someone in subservience and hardship, especially by the unjust exercise of authority.” To persecute, abuse, maltreat, tyrannize, crush, repress, and subdue. These are all verbs used in the English language to describe one story common throughout age, gender, and race.
This story begins when one takes these verbs and gives them life. When one takes another human being and treats them as leftovers on a plate that are not good enough even for a dog. After ignoring them they walk to the sink and scrape them into the garbage disposal and let the blades slice and dice until all that is left is an unrecognizable soup that's discarded to navigate the dark and endless pipes alone.
For those who have never been “repressed,” or “subdued” let me explain it in greater detail. Close your eyes and picture an anatomical figure. You see a digestive tract, blood vessels, heart, lungs, muscles, liver, skin, and eyes. Everything that you know to make up a human, but what would you say is the foundation? What is everything else built upon? The bones are what everything else rests upon and without them we would be nothing more than meat bags. However, it is doubly true that without muscles the bones cannot move for they have no form of locomotion, and your enemy knows this fact well.
The Oppressor knows that without your muscles and ligaments, you can no longer control your own body. The Oppressor’s goal is to control the Figure, to make him a subject to his will, and to do this he knows to start small. Every rude comment, every rumor spread, every taunt, every push of a button is a skilled man slowly cutting shallow wounds into the flesh of the Figure. He shrugs them off because their pain is miniscule, but the Oppressor truly knows how much damage has been done. Though they are small, though they are shallow, these wounds are the foot holds that the Oppressor will use to control the Figure. These cuts are just the beginning to great suffering.
More hateful words are fed into the ears of the Figure and like a sour wound, they fester; their pain increasing. Still tolerable but nevertheless, increasing all the while. The Figure assumes this infection to be like all the others and continues on, ignoring it; assuming it is going to heal. Under false pretense the Oppressor comes to the Figure with a mask saying “Friend” and offers to cut away the infected flesh. The Figure assuming the mask to be his true face, accepts his offer and brings the Oppressor closer. In the form of betrayal, or total abandonment the Oppressor rips away the flesh, cutting deeper, seeking the bone, but is unable reach it on his own power. He only reaches his goal when those watching from the outside come in and assist the Oppressor with a smile on their face and a laugh in their lungs. The Figure then begins to doubt. He begins to think what the Oppressors say about him is true, causing his flesh to be cut away from the inside leaving only the foundation.
As the Oppressors stand back to look at their work, to inspect it, they see that no flesh remains of the Figure and that his bones lay motionless on the floor. Deeming their work sufficient, they tie strings around his wrists, ankles, and neck dragging the Figure this way and that. Forcing him to climb mountains, trudge through valleys, and parade in front of strangers as they mock the Figure and pride the Oppressors for their fine work. While the Figure’s only desire is to be cut down, to move his bones on his own; to be free.
But how could he? All hope is lost. At least that's what the Oppressors say. The Figure thinks to himself saying, “The Oppressors have made many bones and none have cut their strings. How foolish I am to think that mine could be cut!” The Figure was wrong in his thinking of course but we can’t blame him. The Oppressors only told the Figure of those who had cut their bones to obtain freedom. The Oppressors chided the Figure to do as the others, to cut his bones and end his suffering. The Figure had forgotten the stories of the underdogs; the ones who rose up against the Oppressors and fought for their freedom.
As the Figure was deep in his sorrow a thought occurred to him. “The Oppressors tell stories of figures who cut apart their bones for freedom! Oh how strong those figures must have been to make such a bold choice.” And in his non-existent heart, the Figure knew that the happiness out weighed the sacrifice of his decision to come. He knew a solution and he sought it out.
Just as the Figure was going to strike a voice called out to him. A soft voice that traveled straight through the Figure like a thunderclap through a desert valley. It grew louder and louder to the point of annoyance and all the Figure wanted was for it to go away. After a month the voice was still there preventing the Figure to make the final blow. Frustrated at the voice, the Figure turned an ear toward the sound, and he could make out a rhythm. “Its repeating something,” he thought to himself. As he listened closer he could make out the soft words, “Life. Fight for it. There’s more to come.” Stunned the Figure listened again, making sure he had heard correctly. “LIFE! FIGHT FOR IT! THERE'S MORE TO COME! LIFE! FIGHT FOR IT! THERE'S MORE TO COME! LIFE! FIGHT FOR IT! THERE'S MORE TO COME!” the voice said, screaming into the face of the Figure with such force that it slapped an idea into his head.
Liking the idea thoroughly, the Figure looked up and saw the hand that clutched his strings and felt a smile widen across his face. Hate boiling to the surface of his mind the Figure jumped up and separated the Oppressors’ hand from his body. Watching the hand fall to the ground, and his strings no longer clutched within, the Figure ran as far and as fast as his feet would carry him.
When he got to a place where the Oppressors could no longer find him, the Figure stopped and rested under a plentiful tree. Thinking he was alone, the Figure was surprised to see others emerge from the forest around him. Thinking the Oppressors found him and we're wearing elaborate masks again, the Figure got to his feet and was about to run before a Friend touched the Figure’s wrist. Still trying to decipher the face of the Friend's, the Figure didn't trust them; couldn't trust them until he knew for sure. His trust started when the Friend holding his wrist motioned for the others to come around the Figure and began to work off the leftover strings from the Figures wrists, neck, and ankles.
When the Friends finished their work, they stood back and let the Figure look at them. As the Figure looked from face to face, wrist to wrist, he could see that most of the Friends had damage. Either scars around their wrists from the Oppressors strings, exposed bone, or scars left on their eyes from witnessing others cut their bones. The Friends seeing the Figures revelation looked at him with a pitying, welcoming smile that said “Welcome home; where the pain ends, wounds heal, and scars are remembered.”
The Friends led the Figure into their homes, made a place for him waited for his flesh to heal. The Figure, certain that their faces were their own and not masks, trusted them with his bones and called the Friends “home”. The night he trusted them and found his home he found a restful, deep sleep that had eluded him ever since he met the Oppressors. When he awoke he felt something different about himself. He looked down and saw that the soft and thunderous voice was a piece of flesh that had clung to his bones. It had grown and spread in the environment the Friends had made leaving the Figure’s hands and face to remain of bone. Looking at what the Friends had done to Him, restoring his confidence, individuality, and uniqueness, the Figure vowed to no longer be a Figure, but a Fighter and Leader saying “The Oppressors have made many bones and only a few have cut their strings. I will stand as an example of the damage the oppressors can do and how captive bones can become flesh again.”
In short, the Figure was just my story. It was how my story began and how it ended. My story is one of many and because there are many, there are many endings. Many times it ends with a figure cutting their bones, ending their life. While afterwards friends, acquaintances and family all coming out to say, “If I had known I would have tried to stop them.” So I encourage you to change the ending to as many stories as you can; to act before it's too late. I encourage you to be that small and thunderous voice when there is nothing but bone. I encourage you to stand up, to say what's right, no matter the cost and to be those Friends in the forest. I encourage you to do these things because if you don’t, the cost of indifference will be the life of a daughter, son, sister or a brother. The life of someone who is loved and precious and unique. The cost will be someone who deserves a second chance, but never got one.
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self.depression
|
alone people think im a slut. my father told me i would not be anything in life, even if i become a prostitute, i would still be nothing. my mother said im a demon. my brothers said im crazy. my family abhors me. i am alone.
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self.depression
|
Anyone had success with low dose atypical AP's for severe anxiety or depakote? I tried a low dose of risperdal a while back and it did help provide relief of my severe anxiety and agitation think I took .5 to start and maybe then a full gram at bed time but stopped because I immediately started gaining weight and was zapped but honestly idgaf anymore about being a zombie I'm pretty much past the point of caring I just want the anxiety lessened. The weight gain would still bother me but I know there are newer atypicals that don't cause the weight gain. Doc also mentioned possible low dose depakote has anyone tried that?
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self.depression
|
Nothing to Say I'm the most boring person in the entire world I think. I have nothing to say to anybody ever. I'm paralyzed in space and time if that makes sense, I have no idea what I should be doing at any moment. If you want to have friends and relationships you have to be an 'interesting" person with a personality, but I have zilch. Was too afraid as a kid and never acquired any talents, interests or hobbies, but I'm too paralyzed by fear to do anything. Nothing is in my head except the thought of suicide. I'm afraid to exist, but too cowardly to go through with it. My depression is so bad I just sit motionless with nothing in my head except ruminations from my painfully embarrassing manic episode. I can't even look cashiers in the eye. I'm hiding in the basement and trapped in head. Help me.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
repost: hate my sister reposted because it keeps getting removed.
Recently, we adopted cats and they live in our basement, where my sister also lives. The cats rarely come up because one of our dogs is hyperactive and barks a lot at them, so they generally stay downstairs. My sister hates the cats and I think she's trying to kill them. Today, (10-15 minutes ago) she asked me to go downstairs to clean up cat puke. Okay, sure, I guess she's scared of getting her hands dirty. When I went downstairs, I saw she had lit up Incense sticks right next to the cats' tree furniture thing (not sure what it's called). After cleaning up the puke and unclogging her toilet, I went back upstairs and checked if Incense smoke can give cancer (It can, and is more deadly than cigarette smoke, on top of that, she lit it up in an isolated room. see: here)
I went downstairs and asked her to turn it off, but she refused and told me that it was made with herbs and such. I told her that it's made of chemicals that CAN and most likely WILL give the cats cancer. She said she doesn't care and they can die for all she cares.
I dunno what to do, she infuriates me and acts like an entitled rat. Advice is welcomed.
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self.offmychest
|
Friendship Not sure if this is the accurate subreddit but I need some advice.
Ive reached the point in my life where I think I have no friends. There are several cliques that I'm associated with but they often have discussions among themselves that I am not a part of. Even when we hang out in feel as if I am only an accessory. When I come home I, most times than not, don't have anyone to talk to. I'm a senior in high school btw and just struggling with life and don't know what to do. Family is not an option btw but I just want to feel accepted and wanted. Any advice?
|
self.depression
|
I literaly met the girl of my dreams Three days ago I dreamed that after university my friends introduced me a girl that was also going to my university, with the name of Nicolet. By the logic of the dreams, I took her hand and had a walk to my home, but that walk wasn’t a normal walk inside a dream, it was a super realistic feeling that made me forget about everything around me and just emphasize about how happy I was with Nicolet. We talked about different topics and we had deep conversations about one each other. I remember every single word we spoke and every single emotion I felt. When I arrived at home I felt very sad because of her leaving, so I decided to accompany her to wherever she was going, and in this trip I just remember how much I made her laugh and that in one of her beautiful laughter she bit my knee when we were sitting in the bus and I felt it like if it was a real and lovely bite. In that moment, I fell in love with her, inside a dream!
The worst part of it was about to start: the wake up. So yes, when I woke up I felt very furious and disappointed that everything was inside my mind even though I thought it was 100% real.
Inside this ocean of deception I remembered from where my mind originated Nicolet’s face, she was a girl that I have only seen her in a WhatsApp profile picture for about 5 seconds, few days before the dream. She was in a WhatsApp group (with some people who I never seen from my university, including her) from a friend that wanted to hang out one day. I saw the picture again and I realized that every single edge of her face was the same as Nicolet’s; how my mind could create her in a dream in such a perfect way with just 5 seconds or fewer of seeing her picture? The night before the dream they were talking about hanging out the day after Halloween and she was coming, so after the dream and seeing the messages, I was very happy because now I could meet this copy of Nicolet in real life, I had the opportunity to make my dream real! But at the same time I was scared by the fact that the girl had a personality different from Nicolet’s or by the possibility that she could be slightly different from her profile picture (I repeat, I fell in love with the girl in the dream and I just wanted to see her again exactly as I remembered her).
So today I hung out with this group and I saw her. SHE WAS EXACTLY THE SAME AS NICOLET! But that’s not the best part, everything about her was Nicolet, her laughter, kindness and personality. I’m very happy right now that I had experienced such a good feeling that is literally converting a dream into reality. I’m really amazed at how everything just filled in such a perfect way and that I could meet Nicolet. The only thing I want now is arriving at the same point of happiness I experienced in my dream, this is my new goal in life.
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self.offmychest
|
I think that reading online news may be severely affecting my depression. Have you tried cutting it, and has it helped you? I've been thinking over the past week and it seems that my habit of reading online news (and checking related web sites) may explain why my depression is much worse now than in years past despite similar failures and stress and work loads, in some of the following potential ways:
* most obviously, the content itself makes me angry or sad, or worries me;
* I feel the need to have a cogent opinion on current events and when I don't have a strong, eloquently-worded argument ready I imagine myself getting humiliated, or I tell myself that "[I'm] stupid and should really just go kill [my]self";
* especially with the recent sexual misconduct revelations I worry, even though I have never committed sexual assault, that I'm a pervert in some more subtle, unknown way and it's only a matter of time before I say the wrong thing and everyone finds out (I also have obsessive-compulsive disorder);
* more generally, with all the recent op-eds about subtle -isms (which I *do* think make good points), I feel like I'm in a constant verbal minefield in which I'm in perpetual danger of saying the wrong thing;
* sometimes I feel like I even lose touch with reality: for example I'll read an article and mentally say incendiary things that don't reflect my true feelings (ex: "thank god that [bad thing in news] happened")
(*Wow.* Typing that list opened my eyes, even as it was therapeutic.)
I'm going to try cutting out news for a while, but has anyone experienced similar symptoms? I can't imagine I'm the only one, especially with the toxicity of the Internet and general cultural climate nowadays.
And, on the flip side, has your mood improved after you took a break?
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self.depression
|
When to go to the ER I feel like I can’t make it. I fantasize about different ways of killing myself all day every day. I don’t sleep, I hardly eat, I cry so hard I throw up. Every minute of every day is a fucking battle. And I am losing. The only person I have to talk to about it says it will ruin my life if I go to the ER and voluntarily admit myself, but what good is my life not being ruined if I am dead? I think he wants me to die so he doesn’t have to listen to me anymore. I think he doesn’t want to have to go to the ER with me. I think he is trying to push me over the edge. And he says I’m crazy and of course he cares and wants me to get better and he will try to help me find a counselor but he just thinks inpatient is a bad idea and that I am trying to self sabotage, which to be honest, is something I am known for doing. I feel like even considering self admitting is me reaching past my tendency to self sabotage to try to be better but now I don’t know. Maybe he’s right? If they keep me for 30 days I will lose my job and I also can’t afford to pay for any kind of hospital stay. What happens when you self admit? Will they automatically keep me for 30 days? Maybe it would be better for everyone, including me if I just went through with it and stopped being a burden to the 2 people in my life. Can anyone give me some perspective? I have tried texting 2 crisis lines and felt worse both times. I just need help.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
i wanted so badly to drive my car into a tree on the way home i don’t like who i am. i think i’m stupid and i don’t like my personality
everything makes me nervous and all i do is feel anxious and it’s never going to get better
nothing is enjoyable. i either feel bored or depressed or anxious
i was talking to my ex last night and he was talking about how in high school he hung out with this guy and girl and they all started making out.
i missed out on having any experience at all during high school. i didn’t talk to anyone and i would come home and my mom would ignore me. i didn’t talk to anyone and now i will never be able to because i didn’t learn.
i’m so behind everyone and i will never catch up
my ex is the only relationship i’ve ever been in and he broke up with me because i couldn’t talk to him properly and i was so anxious to do a lot of intimate things
i want to. i hate how i can’t do these things it’s not fair
when i was in high school if anyone at all tried talking to me i would get so scared that my hands would shake. i still can barely talk to people
he tells me about hooking up with people and it’s something i will never be able to do. it’s so frustrating. i will never be confident and likeable. i’m not attractive i’m not adventurous i’m not fun
i hate it. i’m so boring and there’s nothing i can do
what am i supposed to do
i don’t get it
i have nothing to offer by being in the world. i’m not enjoying myself and i’m not enriching anyone’s life
what’s the point
I want to try and message him and talk to him just to talk to anyone but I'm scared to message him I'm scared I will sound stupid or he won't answer me or he'll stop talking to me forever
I want to hurt myself
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self.depression
|
Work didn't work Well, I tried going back to work yesterday. 5 minutes in, full fledged panic attack and my husband had to send our teenager in to fetch me from the bathroom so he could take me home.
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self.bipolar
|
R/relationship-advice is full of a bunch of jerks Actually that's unfair. But at least two jerks. I went there to talk about my current relationship issues and how to best give my SO the space she needs in the break we are on while also living in the same place. All I got was "haha she's using you, you're pathetic!" And that's just... one not true and two just fucking mean. But of course shit like that is eaten up by my stupid primal anxiety voice in my head. The dumb voice that assumes the worst of everything and everyone. I know it's BS but it was really unpleasant to go some place for support and help and get that thrown back at me.
I deleted the post to avoid any more possible comments like that and came here. I've posted here a few times and also commented. I've never gotten anything but supportive messages here. Thanks guys.
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self.Anxiety
|
After 28 Years this Virgin starts feeling lonely I'll most likely soon be a 28 year old virgin.
And in principle, that's fine with me.
But more and more I'm yearning for someone to cuddle, while watching a movie, while laying in bed.
Problem is, I dislike propably >90% of the people I meet (in the sense of prefer being alone than spending time with them), and there are character traits / habits that I just don't want to deal with.
So as a result, I have few friends, and haven't ever been in a Relationship.
Although I have these growing desires for some aspects of a Relationship, I currently can't imagine a "normal" relationship with (all but) anyone.
I'm super curious about sex, but the risk of pregnancy terrifies me (or even worse - parenthood, being permanently somewhat bound to **two people** no thanks, not ready for that). I can't even imagine kissing anyone, because I've only ever lost the childish "disgust" of kissing for one person - who wasn't interested.
I also would *love* to share the discovery of Sex with someone. I think I'd like to start with someone similarly inexperienced, and fumble, play and explore together.
I'd also love to have my many firsts to come be *special*, I really don't just want a tinder hookup or smth. I want this because I don't think sex is inherently that special, so I'd like to make it so.
But frankly, at 28, that's propably not going to happen. I know that. It'll propably be one of the compromises I'll have to make.
I have trust Issues, so it takes me forever to trust anyone enough to realistically consider a Relationship with them.
Okay now, remember the one I wouldn't mind Kissing? That's literally the Best Person I know, Intelligent, Funny, Witty, Beautiful, I just love hanging out. Not perfect by any stretch, there are little annoyances, quirks, blindspots and stuff. But there's never been anything that wanted me to stop hanging out.
So naturally we're best Friends.
When I first brought the subject up it was made clear to me that there was no interest.
Unfortunately due to a mix of unclear actions and massively rose colored glasses on my part, I asked about it again and again, until it nearly broke our Friendship.
So now I've finally internalized that it's not going to happen.
And even saying this to myself hurts.
Nobody I meet (or even hear about), on a date or otherwise, can compare in my eyes. So not only has it been impossible for me to be willing to make the Compromises I talked about earlier, I'm also terrified of the very nearly absolutely impossible, that I'm in a relationship with someone else, and my best friend comes to me and wants to start a relationship. It doesn't seem fair to start the relationship if I know from the start I'd drop it in a heartbeat, does it?
So... Thanks for reading I guess.
Maybe I Should see a therapist afterall.
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self.offmychest
|
Body is anxious but not brain? Does anyone else experience anxiety that seems to be all physical and how do you get past it? The best I can explain it is that mentally I feel fine and I am having good thoughts, telling myself that I’m fine and that I can do this. But then my body will be exhibiting the symptoms I have when I have anxiety- shakiness, sweating, tingling and the worst- nausea with the need to vomit. I don’t know how to fight it.
I’m currently on zoloft 25mg per day. At home with my parents following a break up 2 months ago. Every time I try to go back to my apartment I get these feelings. Perhaps I need to up my zoloft? The dr said 50 would probably be the max for me due to my weight and that I can either stay at 25 or increase. I don’t have insurance or a job at the moment so I can’t keep going back to the doctor or a therapist. Any OTC suggestions?
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm thinking about weird ass stuff all the time I need some advice. This problem happens to me whenever I stumble upon an article about some patients having weird yet scary diseases such as neurofibroma or ALS, etc. After reading the whole article or just looking at the picture of the patients I then feel extremely nauseous and dizzy. I also imagine that **I** am the actual person in those pictures and it starts to make me want not to live happily anymore. I just cannot do my work or anything laterwards. I really want to escape from this paranoid stats about illness and crasy imagination, please tell me what should I do.
And visiting a spychologist is the last thing comes to my mind. I don't want that to be the answer to my problem. Thanks.
|
self.Anxiety
|
i have been unemployed and in severe cognitive distress for the last few years today i released an app i had been working for close to 10 months it took me 4 times as much time as it should have, but doesnt matter. this is where I thank everyone and share the success with you guys
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self.Anxiety
|
No meaning, no passion, no responsibilities. What's the point? I get the point of getting a job to survive but it's so unfulfilling. I'm doing good in school, eating healthy and keeping my apartment clean but I'm still suicidal because all that is ultimately meaningless.
I just wish I was a useful part of something and that people depended on me.
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self.depression
|
I don't know how to help my friend For the past two days I've been sitting up trying to talk someone I really care about out of suicide. I haven't eaten, I've barely drunk, I've barely slept. All I've done is cry and be scared and plead with them. I don't want to be here either but I can't watch them do this. I can't let them do this. I need help.
What do I do? Nothing I say helps. I'm weak and exhausted. I would do anything to try and save them but nothing I can do can help. It hurts. I know they're hurting more. They're trying to push me away, I think to make it easier for himself to go. But I can't do it. I can't let him do it. I can't be there physically because I'm too far away. What can I do from hundreds of miles away?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Off my pedestal platform! TLDR: Healthily transform burning desires to a meaningful productive relationship.
I am at the breaking boundary. Fantasizing insistently per the sole gal. How does one best cut the cake and ask her to a valid date?! The more timely energy I've put unto this, the higher extant personal investure. Does the daily chick even get official dating queries or is it more over digital [online] device gadgets?? Put one's biz card into the girl's palm, then what? Use of deep voice as a carrot stick and lure those long legs to an ice cream cave (evol psych joke). Let God be the gal's focal center.
Selfish thought process; just that she perks figure eights etched upon mind. Love going forth that golden laded aisle track albeit getting boring replies [from the goofiest bookish inquiries]. Books remain atop the statuesque foundation and this girl grinds weirdly curved spirals under statue's breadth. Metaphor inferring the lady slowly creeps further down the mental tunnel, anyhow never finds gold unless God's grace paints marks onto thy very soul. Christ's finger, vibrantly animated, craft clean hearts, which scream faith joyly.
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self.offmychest
|
I’m done Life is unfair, people are even more unfair, even more on the internet... i submitted my story and I almost got banned from this subreddit cause of all the bad karma it gave me. Then I watch any other comment and they get such amazing feedback and support and when I was looking really bad they told me to kill myself. I almost did and thanks to that I’m on watch. Thanks guys, real helpful.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I don’t feel that way.. I am a 19 year-old girl. I am not brave enough to kill myself, but I want something to kill me. My parents say they love me, but I don’t know, my sisters they never say it. I have a boyfriend, he says he loves me, but I don’t know too. I feel just like a burden to everyone else. I am always such a failure, when people meet me, they will think I’m lovable and always cheerful, but after they met with my sisters, of corse they would choose my sisters. I am basically nothing compared to them.
My life are all about comparing it to my sisters, well, they don’t say it but I know it. I realized it. I am just very useless and not worth it for anything. I don’t like to keep on living. I don’t want to live to be exact. I always spent that much of money because I’m not as smart as my sisters, my day has always ended so slow and I cannot achieve anything on the day just because I cannot feel like living is the right thing to do for me. I stutter since I was a kid and people always say “if you don’t speak right, it’s better to not say anything” that sometimes I feel that it’s better to just be mute than being half/half. I always try my best to be like my sisters but it’s just not enough. My boyfriend said that if I die, then he will be sad. I don’t tell my parents or other family members because I know for sure that they will just say to not be sad and dramatic. I did try to tell my mom around 3 years ago and what she said Is that they’ve done so much for me, so why would I have a thought like that. Then the convos just finished that way with no solution and she doesn’t believe that I just don’t want to live and just seeking for attention.
I always think that everyone would be better off without me and I just don’t want to be exist. They still can countinue their life normally, there won’t be the “failure daughter”, the “stupid sister and wasting money sister”, and there won’t be the “childish girlfriend”. The burden will all be gone without me being there. I don’t know what to do. Seeking for help from professionals won’t be in my option, because it cost a lot too. And always try seeking for help that no one around me will help is tiring.
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self.depression
|
Day by day. Recently a coworker of mine tried killing themselves. The shock alone from this news put me back in a downward spiral. Almost threw away my relationship because of my irrationality, but at the same time it was an eye opening experience. It shed a lot of light on my own problems and how I've ignored them for so long. I'm taking steps to a better future now. I intend to seek counseling in hopes of making a change somewhere in my life.
Anyway, just felt like sharing a slice of my life in hopes it helps someone out there. Slowly but surely things improve. Just gotta take it one day at time.
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self.depression
|
A line crossed? My “ex” fiancée was having a hard time and it was getting to the both of us. I told him he could go ahead and leave. He then started bawling and begging me to “stop him from leaving”. I stayed away cause he called me some names and I wasn’t up for anymore name calling from his end so I just locked myself in the bathroom to get away. So for two hours he keeps begging and I say please go I don’t care what you do. He then says “you know I love you”. And I said “then stay and stick this out cause I don’t get to run away but you can”. So then I start begging like he wanted. I look up and all of a sudden he’s saying “let me go” and he wants to leave. I’m finally doing what he wants and he switches up suddenly. Then I keep trying for ten minutes at most cause it’s what he wanted, and I see he’s recording me. And I ask if he’s recording me and he says it’s for his protection. So I let go quickly and realize that that was a very strong line he crossed. It made no sense what was happening. Am I wrong for feeling like the recording he started doing was wrong? When he was the one that begged for me to stop him from leaving?
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self.depression
|
Abandoned by my only friend I only had 1 friend that I thought would never abandon me. I was wrong. I value that friendship more than anything. Every “friend” I had just abandoned me out of nowhere. Im alone and tired of all of this. I’m not a bad person. I cant be alone all my life.
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self.depression
|
I go to my counselor/therapist for the first time today. Please tell me about therapy anyone, I was diagnosed with depression from my doctor 3 days ago, my mom is worried about my mental health, please tell me about it.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
my fiance suffers with anxiety and i want to learn more and do better Hi guys,
A bit about me and my SO, we have been together for over five years, got engaged this past summer, and will be married sometime in 2019. I love her dearly - she is the most thoughtful, friendly, intelligent, beautiful person in the world. I don't know what she sees in me... but anyway, that's a topic for another thread. :P
When we started dating her anxiety wasn't a particular problem, or anything I would have suspected, however over the years it has gotten a lot worse. It has reached a point where I am starting to believe its crippling. It permeates work, our relationship, the general attitude around our home, etc. She gets scared or anxious of things that would have never bothered her previously (we live on a busy street, but a sound outside must instantly be a robber and we need to ensure all doors are locked - installing a security system has done nothing to alleviate this stress... just one example), and she is always on edge. She also works an incredibly stressful job, and spends most of her nights either angry or in tears because of work. Naturally, this impacts our relationship. I try my best to help... I generally do this by attempting to offer advice on how to handle situations, or what conversations might be able to be had to address issues at the office, but I generally hear that "I don't understand" or "I don't get how hard it is to do things when you are having a panic attack." And she is right, I don't get these things. I try very hard, and I certainly feel the impact of her struggle, but its in a different way.
She has begun to see a therapist, however costs make it so that she can't attend as much as she feels she should. I'm offering to help with this through withdrawing savings, but the thought of doing so stresses her out. She is pretty against medication, which I can understand and that is not at all something that I should be pushing on her since it is her mind and body. She also feels she needs to leave her job, but the thought of change causes her anxiety. It's kind of a vicious circle. Staying and working makes her anxious, but leaving and changing also makes her anxious. Talking to someone at her current place of employment to resolve issues makes her anxious. Not addressing the issues makes her anxious. There is no winning formula it seems, and I am trying to be cognizant of that. Whatever "solution" we come to, it will be very challenging for her to enact. And unfortunately, it isn't something that I can do for her.
Anyway, after a recent discussion I really feel like I should be doing more to understand, and to find ways to help. I don't know what I can do when panic attacks occur. I don't know how to best help when a stressful situation is unfolding. I want to be the best support I can be, but I don't know how. My methods in the past have led her to suggest that she feels I am "pushing her" to do something that is hard for her. She also says she wants validation and not a solution - I am trying to be better at this, but my natural inclination when there is a problem is to solve it as quickly and painlessly as possible so it doesn't fester. So this all requires a real mindset change for me.
I'm coming here to look for recommendations of books, podcasts, YouTube videos... anything at all that I can avail of to better understand how to help as a significant other. I'm also looking for anecdotes, stories, or advice from you people who are detached from our personal situation and might be able to help me be a better partner. And I guess, in part, it is a bit therapeutic for me to type this out because there aren't many people I can talk to about this.
I recognize I am ignorant, but I am trying my absolute best. If you have any advice for me, or my fiance, it would be massively appreciated.
Thank You!
|
self.Anxiety
|
Excessive worry over things you say? I have suffered with anxiety all of my life all the way back to a child of about the age of 8. My anxiety has went dormant for periods and I feel like nothing can tear me down but every 10 or so years it relapses and created a bigger monster of fear. Well it happened again last year and it has been a terrifying ride. I had basically no support from my mom but my dad was always there he is just not an emotional person so I feel it is hard to talk to him sometimes. All my friends dropped off the face of the Earth and I got fired from my job. I have recovered some and have a new job which I love but I constantly fear I'll get fired for whatever reason. I have developed ocd over things I say and how they sounded to someone else and I can't remember everything I say which creates more panic. Does any experience this?
I play over and over in my head what I have said to others through the day and freak that I said something that will upset someone.then I worry myself to death for weeks that I will be in trouble. How do I stop this? I feel like I have no control over my mind doing this. It seems I go through cycles of not worrying about stuff like this and then something happens and it starts again.
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self.Anxiety
|
Going out public Whenever I go outside in public, It feels like my mind is pulling me towards going home and just feeling depressed and sad alone. I just feel so empty inside, like a part off me is already dead. And ending life wouldnt be so bad, cause life really isnt that great. Does anyone feel some what the same?
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self.depression
|
It feels like this isn’t right Hey guys. I’ve been fighting with this for a while and was good for a couple of months but this weather along with personal issues have been getting me into this deep deep tunnel is darkness. Ive been trying to ignore everyone but hen that makes me more sad because I feel lonely. I try to talk to people and people either don’t understand my point of view or say that it’s not right and that I don’t have the right to react the way I do. A lot of people tell me to “fix it” that it’s “up to me” and that if I wanted to I’d regain “control”. Some people are so happy that they don’t even try to deal with what’s going on and simply just try to be cheerful and happy around me when all my misery want is company.
Either way. I’m in this rut. Not sure how to stop feeling this way. I’m also close to self harm again because I can’t take the mental torture I’m feeling.
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self.depression
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Do you ever want to never wake up? Do you ever feel like it'd be so much better to just go to sleep and never wake up or to just be erased all together?
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self.depression
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Just tired of my life and everything in this world, scared of what I will become... [deleted]
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self.depression
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I NEED TO FUCKING QUIT MY JOB! Gaaahhhhh holy fuck. I knew it wasn’t a long term thing when I took the offer, I knew I would get tired of it. It was probably only 2-3 months in that I thought “oh fuck, I need out of here.” I’ve made it to over 10 months now.
I have a surgery scheduled the first week of Feb, and my heart tells me that I shouldn’t return after surgery. I’ve been looking for an out for a long time. I just don’t have another job lined up and pickings are slim for me right now (but this is a meh-just-above-minimum-wage-job anyway so it’s not like I’m asking for much).
My surgery will be right at my one-year mark, and it’s a mental hurdle I can’t get past.. am I really going to enter a *second year* at a job that doesn’t use many of my skills, is both boring as fuck AND stressful, and where I work extremely closely with a supervisor who makes me miserable?
I mean I get benefits and all the other employees are great.. but, fuck. I need to move the fuck on.
AGHHHH I NEED TO GET IT TOGETHER!!!
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self.offmychest
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What song sounds like what's going on in your head right now?
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self.bipolar
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Somebody tell me that sexual relationships in Hollywood do not represent reality at all. I have stopped watching Hollywood movies a long time ago, or at least purposefully.
It's disgusting. The totally uncalled for kiss scene between two characters that met barely a handful of hours ago is disgusting.
The unnecessary and sudden sex scene between characters that met a handful of days ago as if they were the love of each others lives is disgusting.
Did market research take Hollywood to the conclusion that this is what sexual relationships are about in the eyes of people?
I could not imagine having sex with somebody I barely know without dying from feelings of terminal embarrassment, misery, and regret, no matter how attractive they are.
You probably guessed that I'm a virgin, and I can not imagine making myself that vulnerable to somebody I don't know inside out. It's like me trying to tell what I honestly think about everything in the world to someone; I couldn't do that with somebody other than with somebody I trust even more than I can trust myself.
It's not even Hollywood as in isolated case; people seem to genuinely feel disappointed when they go out to a party night and not end up getting laid. Is a sexual relationship not a summit of trust and interpersonal intimacy? If not, what is it?
I honestly want to feel that feeling, or something even relatively close.
However, it seems like in the world, this feeling does not exist and is simply me being wishful and delusional.
Thanks for reading this Asperger's induced rant. It helped me vent my feelings out.
EDIT: I get that you don't like Hollywood, but for goodness sake could at least one of you answer the question I asked?
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self.offmychest
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Losing weight after Lithium Has anyone had experience gaining weight with Lithium then discontinuing it and losing weight?
I stopped taking it about 1 week ago and I’m curious if I should expect the weight to come off easily or if I really need to get my ass in gear with the gym and eating healthy.
Thanks
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self.bipolar
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I hate my life I'm a sophomore at highschool. I keep starting conflicts with my school counselor and my grades are so shit at school. I have no money and can't hire a tutor to make up for those grades. are money probs and doing sht at school thinking that you're worthless in life and in the future enough reasons for suicide?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Girlfriend ignores me when i talk about my depression/anxiety [deleted]
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self.depression
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Feeling Stuck I feel like I'm unintentionally destroying my relationships due to suicidal obsession. My husband and I fight so regularly now, I can't help but attribute my anger in the fights/disagreements themselves to the fact that his attachment to me, is what ultimately has kept me from, literally, pulling the trigger. The fact I can't control suicide due to leaving behind survivors guilt is destroying my psyche.
How does anyone cope with living for guilt? I feel like I've become such a burden, and I'm losing my mind.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Lost my best friend and gf (she was both). We still talk. I don't know what to do. A couple weeks (maybe even months now) ago my gf broke up with me. She said she wasn't interested in a long distance relationship anymore. It really broke me as a person. I am successful person with a fulfilling job, but I am having such a hard time with this. Recently we started talking back a lot again, but then she started being distant again on last week wednesday. I wish I knew what I could do to make this work between us again, although I know that there are a couple reasons I should not want this. She never really went out of her way to be with me, it was more of a convenience thing for her. I was never her #1, she would put me off to literally do anything with her cousins. I recently bought tickets and planned a trip to take her to Ohio, and she blew me off literally hours before the event just to spend time hanging in her backyard with her cousins. I sometimes think that I will never be the most important person to anyone, no matter how much of myself I pour into a relationship. I live by myself and I sometimes feel that I am without purpose. I will try to make my next post more structure, I recognize that I am just babbling at this point.
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self.depression
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Weird Thoughts Anyone else have reoccurring thoughts that they are actually dead or are in a coma and all of what is experienced is just some sort of dream / after life? Any tips to deal with this? It sometimes happens when I get hurt or have anxiety / chest pains, like I will feel like I didn't survive the injury / symptom. Is there a name for this? (besides crazy haha). Thanks!
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self.Anxiety
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I just wanted to thank the users of reddit who comment daily with life advices [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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What stupid things make you anxious? I'm writing this in hopes that i'm not the only one that gets really anxious about stupid, simple things. For instance, I get really anxious when someone knocks at the door. 9/10 times if someone is knocking at the door and i'm not expecting it, i wont answer it. Same thing goes with phone calls from numbers i don't know.
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self.Anxiety
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I thought christmas was bad... ...but the new year seems to be turning out worse.
People are hurting. Every one seems exhausted and made of wax.
Another year of being trapped in a world that i will only ever view from the sidelines and never fully participate in.
Another year dangeling from the cliff.
Always on the outside looking in.
My doctor says he fills more benzo scripts in January than December. I only get a few as i have been naughty with them in the past. They dont make me feel "better" but they do give me a glimpse of what it might be like to be "normal" or nurototypical. I dont like them because they make me so tired but they do produce a flat effect and i guess thats what im going for these days.
I miss my mum. I miss my dogs. I miss who i was before the world happened to me.
Nothing gets better it get worse. My life is fantastic but i hate myself and always have. Circumstances change but i will always be me and i will always be broken.
Im 39. Ive tryed the pills. Ive been to the group talk. Ive done 6 years of counciling and cbt. But i never change because i just cant be conviced that im worth the effor. Every fiber in my body tell me im unwanted and unloveable. Even when the facts say other wise.
Ive tryed to kill my self when i was younger and i know how hard it is to actually do. I have no plans but i think about killing myself with every set back or percived hurt. It how i have always been.
People only realise how much the love someone when their gone for good.
I dont know why i keep going or how much longer i can keep this up.
Xxx
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self.SuicideWatch
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Had to leave a vacation dinner because I felt so shitty Title. Dad was super pissed taking me back to hotel, and I was at myself as well. This is hell. I hate my depression and I hate myself.
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self.depression
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Trying to make myself better This week I decided to drag my ass to a library instead of staying at home sleeping and generally doing nothing to get some work done with my online course. It’s working for the most part although yesterday I had an argument with someone so I only finished 1 chapter instead of 3 the previous day...
I have been trying to dress decently (well as decent as I can) with a bag my friend gave me that looks hella cool. So that’s a plus I guess.
Still have a hella problems to deal with (way too many of those to mention) but I’m doing aight right now. Doesn’t help that everyday this week I have been alternating between extremely happy and sad. Still on the waiting list for a psychiatrist so idk if I’m bipolar yet. But I’m hanging in there...today is supposed to be the happy day...then tomorrow will be hell. I’ll figure out tomorrow when it comes.
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self.depression
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A big step!! So being in the dark or being alone are two of the biggest triggers for my anxiety. Tonight I went to the ATM by myself (in the dark!), and I'm sooo proud of myself. Sometimes I feel ridiculous being 22 and scared of the dark, but tonight made me feel a little better. Just wanted to share :)
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self.Anxiety
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HIPAA violation is making me feel ashamed of being bipolar I already posted in r/hipaacompliance, and we’ll take action tomorrow. But basically my gf’s step mom is a nurse and she looked up my records to find that I was on an antipsychotic and am on bipolar meds, so she told my gf’s dad (who is very abusive and unstable) and he called my gf’s mom to tell her I’m toxic for her.
I know that being bipolar isn’t a bad thing but I just feel so ashamed that now everyone knows. I’m going to marry this girl, and now her family thinks I’m fucked up and dangerous. Her mother didn’t buy it abd says it’s ok, but she is against mental illness medication and I’m just so scared she looks down on me now and idk I’m just so ashamed.
TL;DR: Privacy is breeched by my gf’s step mother who is a nurse, she tells my gf’s dad, and he tells her mom that I’m on meds. I am so embarrassed and ashamed.
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self.bipolar
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I've lost my drive to do the things I used to like Typical weekday: Wake up, go to work at this quiet dreary office I'm starting to hate, come home, eat dinner, just kinda kill time on Reddit or something, then go to bed early (I'm talking 8-9 PM).
My current position at work is just so dull and dreary. The office I go to has a lot of freedom but so little to actually do. The people at the office are nice and friendly, but I'm not cut from the same cloth as them *at all*, so I can't really relate enough to them to really be friends. 9/10 times I spend my lunch break driving around aimlessly listening to relaxing music, just so I can get away from that place even if just for a bit.
Don't worry, I don't have suicidal thoughts by any stretch. I actually wanna live and experience things. I've just lost most if not all of my drive to lately, and sometimes I feel like I just kinda...exist. I'm just at a point where the best part of my day is getting in bed and tucking in for the night while letting YouTube videos autoplay in the background.
I just miss the days when I could stay up past 1 AM every night binging video games and *still* have the energy to go to work the next day. I miss when I actually used to enjoy being out late while it was dark. I miss having a drive to have fun.
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self.depression
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I don't know what's wrong with me, why i don't have anyone Having dreams only makes you suffer if you don't take action
I don't take action because I don't like doing anything except mindlessly browsing the internet
The reason I don't like is because deep down ,I'm unstable
Which has a lot to do with how lonely I've been for the past 5-6 years
This existence is unfair. Don't tell me to count my blessings , they haven't done me any good
Every night I feel suffocated of the lonliness, the despair, the regret, the helplessness
I have tried so many different things, but I'm where I started ; still.
Can you get out of this vortex or am I heading for a suicide before 25?
I don't like saying that, but there's not much to live for. My dad hates me, my mother has never cared
I'm alone, and no matter how strong I claim to be to others , I'm shattered inside
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self.depression
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It's back. I've tooken the route of confiding in this thread. My numbing depression is back in full force not to mention my anxiety. It took me months to improve on myself. However, I find myself back at square one. I no longer have any meaningful friends anymore. I lost the two that meant the most. One became toxic/disrespectful towards me and the other turned a blind eye to it. I couldn't let them be in my life any longer. In this bleak world. They helped me gain hope. Now that they are gone and that fact that I'm jobless...it sucks. Not to mention that jobs in my city are mostly hospitality. I can't fake a smile. People say I look older than I am. I've just lost my nativity and sense of hope in this world. When I was alot younger. Hopefully things get better. *sighs*
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self.SuicideWatch
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Have been in chronic pain for the last 28 years. I'm at the end of what I can take. I'm just so exhausted. It's never ending. It's 24/7 now. Nothing they do or give me helps. Nothing is working. This is not living. This is not fair. I have so much I wanted to do.
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self.SuicideWatch
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a positive review for Wellbutrin it's been 2 months and I have noticed a big difference. the first two days were rough but after that it's been smooth sailing. a lot more energy each morning, not anxious energy, positive yeah let's do the thing energy. I'm also noticing it is way easier to lose weight on this stuff, I'm not sure why but I'm not complaining. a wave of depression did hit me hard for two days so I'll see if that means to increase the dose or not. two days of it is a major improvement from basically every day. panic attacks are down to half the daily amount. no change in my sleep. overall an 8/10
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self.depression
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I'm 20 years old and never felt the touch of a women besides kissing [removed]
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self.depression
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Abilify blues I'm on 20 mg, its been I'd say a month. It made me super happy and creative and outgoing in a non manic way. Now I'm more depressed than I have been in a few months, can't do a single thing to try and change it either. I usually go to art of some form or even just bullet journaling and I can't even do that anymore. Just want to lay in bed all day. I even quit my first job I've had in over a year after two weeks because I was too lethargic and depressed to go to work for four hours. What do I do, what's wrong with me? I'm ruining my life and my relationship of almost two years. I want to be better by our anniversary so I can propose.. (Which is in january) I need help and therapy has done nothing for me.its up to me but I don't have the tools to do so, so I'm looking to you, fellow redditors. Please help me?
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self.bipolar
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Seeing my school's mental health counselor for the first time tomorrow, what can I expect? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Tired of living for other people. My life is absolute shit. It's complete garbage. I won't go further into detail because it would likely bore you. All you need to know is that I want to die. When I have told people this, both friends and professionals say the same thing: "But think of how this will impact [insert family member here]!"
I know it would hurt them but that's not a good enough reason anymore. (Few of them actually care anyway; hell, my SO doesn't even care if I live or die.) If I'm living for other people all the time, it's not even my own life. I'm tired of it. My death is for *me.* This is what I want to do.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My girlfriend is suicidal. Help. I don't know what to do, she's been having suicidal thoughts and she says she's been having urges to take pills just to end her life. I'm not very good at this at all, we're both 22 years old and i've lived an unhappy life but i've never ever been to the point of wanting to harm myself. I can't put myself in her shoes to help her. I try to tell her the positives of life, and I try to tell her about how badly her family and friends would be affected if anything ever happened to her. And then I read the rules on this subr and it seems that's considered guilt tripping so I haven't been doing so well. She's been stressed out because she's about to get her masters, she has a full time job, and on top of that we've been having some stupid arguments every now and then. Just yesterday when I saw her, she had a piece of glass in her hand it looked like she was ready to hurt herself and she stopped because I started balling out crying trying to stop her. I can't go to her family, because she tells me if they ever find out they'll treat her like she's fragile and that if they ever find out, it'll be easier for her to take her own life. I tell her about seeing somebody, whether if she wants me to come also, but then she says she isn't comfortable sharing her thoughts with anybody else but me. What can I do to make her happy and try to help her get past this?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I think I still have feelings for someone from my past. My high school sweetheart, anyways. We were together for a couple of years in high school, closer to a decade ago. The closest of friends a year before. She was there for me for everything, and she was the only one I truly had an intellectual connection with as well as emotional. We've both had a multitude of shitty relationships since then and while we've lost contact with each other through a majority of that time due to our relationships, we were both there for each other when we were treated horribly by our significant others at the time. It just seems like we haven't gotten the timing right, my feelings for her would resurface from time to time. Vaguely, but still there. And I know just by her behaviourisms that there were times she felt the same too, and she didn't have to say a word or hint at it. I felt it.
I've been single since the beginning of this year, taking a hiatus from dating and people after a three-year abusive relationship full of control and manipulation. A roller coaster with the constant highs and lows, if you will. She has been for about a month after a relationship with a guy who drinks a lot and cheated on her repeatedly. She's stuck because she still lives in her college town in an apartment with him. But she's come to me at what seems like the darkest points in their relationship. She's even called me to discuss it when she found out he cheated again and felt nothing, but ended it for good anyways.
Even though we went our separate paths, we still reached out to each other when things were terrible. Hell, I've thought about her quite often even since our breakup. Of course not nearly as much if I was with someone, but I still did. I wondered about how she was doing, and hoped that she was happy and was being treated with the unconditional love and respect she deserved. It made me sad to learn that this simply was not the case.
I still think back to one particular moment, when we were both with someone else but on a drive together to vent. She suggested a pact, if we're both single by 40, we take off together and live on a farm with dogs just everywhere. It started as a joke because of our failing love life situations, but the more we talked about it, the more we took it seriously. And the way she hugged me goodbye that night, tighter and longer than usual, and she said to me "Sometimes, I really miss you." and left my car. I was shell-shocked and couldn't even formulate an appropriate response or reciprocate. Because I did miss her, too. I mean, after all, we were each other's first love, and the vast majority of our fights was over trivial high school bullshit that I couldn't even begin to care less about now. I mean, fuck, she cared about me in a way that no one else could really quite compare to. She didn't try to control my life or make me feel lesser of a person, she inspired me to grow, to better myself, and to become the best version of me that I can possibly be. We were together and thick as thieves, but we were also individuals too. Growing up after all this time, all of this heartbreak, I realized that this particular dynamic is something that I long for if I ever decide to begin dating again. Our lives changed us into different, grown, and eccentric individuals with a better sense of what life is really all about.
So I don't know what to do with these feelings besides confide in Reddit, because this virtual community is so much more empathetic and unified than our tangible world is, which I find heartbreaking (which is another post for another time. Society is awful). I mean, yes. I acknowledge they're present. Emotions and true feelings is something I've learned this year to embrace instead of run away from. She's just in a terrible living position right now almost an hour away from her hometown, where I still reside. We talk often, mostly through Snapchat as we explain through pictures our day. Sometimes we'll vent to one another as we're both battling depression to an extent, sometimes she'll bomb me with random emojis on Facebook messenger and those would always make my day. I've woken up to snaps from her every day for the past few weeks now and it's such an amazing thing to behold. She took time out of her day to include me into her life in that way and I'm grateful.
There's no way I can be up front with her and tell her how I still feel, how I have felt towards her for years. Not in an "I'm head over heels for you" kind of way, but in an "I've thought about you a lot for all of this time" kind of way. I still have felt something for her that I haven't really felt about towards anyone else. That I haven't even told anyone else about. No one knows except you, Reddit. I feel like if I just come out and tell her, that'll just make her life more complicated, and that's just not fair. But if I wait I feel like she'll find someone new because she's absolutely not like the others and someone else will realize that, I'm sure. I know it's all about waiting until the right moment (or most suitable moment, rather) and that I need to be patient.
I don't really expect any advice, hence why I chose this particular sub to vent, just an outlet to make my ideas tangible to my own senses and see if this is just something that I think I feel, to prove to myself that maybe this is just something fabricated just to look for a reason to not be single. Because I love being single, and I love being alone. But upon writing this, I realize that this is how I feel, and I'm ashamed of myself for not confronting these feelings after all of these years. But I guess later is better than never?
I want to thank you all for taking the time out of your busy schedules and reading this (on the toilet probably). I hope you all have a wonderful day. You're all appreciated and valued and don't forget that. :)
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self.offmychest
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My friend committed suicide. I can't live with the guilt. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I am not suicidal but i just want to thank you all I want to thank the people that help these people that think this way I think its special and that you have the powers to save lives and that's just so special, thanks.
and yes I have been through this all and I have been depressed and trust me you WILL get out of it
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self.SuicideWatch
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Felt what I thought was a pop in my head and immediately had a panic attack [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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my life means nothing all i have done today is eat fast food smoke pot and think about killing myself. i fuckin hate college. i hate that my parents had to be cursed with the sorry piece of trash that is me. everything i do feels pointless. i dont enjoy a single second of my worthless existence. also no woman will ever love me. i really just want to die
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self.depression
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Leaving my house to work with full blown anxiety [deleted]
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self.depression
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2018 has been absolute shit so far In this year so far my best friend has stopped talking to me. It is absolutely devastating for me because she was the only one I told that I have felt depressed, and now I have nobody. She was always there for me but I don't know why but I haven't heard from her in a while and she is ignoring me. I have no idea what I did to cause her to do this but I am fucking done. All I wanted was for this year to be the best year ever because I am heading off to college, leaving my shit town, and so many other things, but every single fucking vibration I get from my phone I think it's a text from her, or a snapchat from her, and it never is. I am trying to accept that she might never say anything to me again and that if I never see her in person again we will be done as friends, but I am still hoping for that text "oh sorry I read this and completely forgot to text you back, I've been busy." And that response is super shitty but it's better then nothing.
As much as I hope for a text, I see her on facebook, and liking instagram photos, so she has been on her phone, but just hasn't bothered to text me back. I just feel so lost and don't know what to do.
I think I might try and delete social media for a little bit and try and clear my head. But if anyone that has lost a friend in a similar way and has any advice for dealing with it, I would really appreciate it!!
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self.depression
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Finally got rid of facebook I've been feeling really chained to my phone recently and facebook in general. I don't really care about what's on there, and don't even have many friends. I still checked it constantly just the same, and was always trying to convince myself to deactivate it. It just made me feel worse about myself, and made me work myself up every time I was on there. Well today I finally did it. I uninstalled the app, and am not looking back. I feel like a leaf riding the breeze right now.
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self.Anxiety
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feeling like a failure..."Caving" into the compulsions I have severe OCD that causes me to have false memories sometimes. Basically, I get so worried about something happening that I imagine it happening, and then I start obsessing over whether it really happened or not. I start wondering if I'm repressing things, or denying things, and the more I obsessively worry, the more vivid the false memory becomes. It's exhausting, frustrating and scary. Recently my obsessions have centered on a false memory of someone breaking into my apartment and assaulting me. After one of my friends was raped, two assaults took place near where I live and the news was filled with stories of sexual harassment, I became horribly paranoid about it happening to me. I know that my false memory is just that, because there is no real evidence for it happening and there's even some evidence that it DIDN'T happen. But this isn't enough for my OCD and after days of panicking and struggling, I'm desperate for any more evidence that it didn't happen. I'm now trying to request security footage from my apartment building, to prove to myself that no one broke in. It's the farthest I've ever gone to satisfy a compulsion, and it feels so ridiculous and out of my character. I'm normally such a passive person who tries not to inconvenience anyone. I was making good progress today, and even had my first appointment with a therapist to discuss CBT and ERP, both therapies which I know would discourage this reassurance-seeking behaviour. But I guess I haven't mastered those therapies yet, and anxiety can make you do some pretty weird things. I just feel like a failure, even though the compulsive reassurance-seeking does bring me some relief I must admit. I hope that one day I can look back on "the time I tried to get security footage to prove that I wasn't assaulted because I couldn't trust my own memory" and just laugh about it.
Has anyone else ever "caved" into their compulsions like this? How far have you gone to reassure yourself? I could use some encouragement that I'm not alone in this lol
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self.Anxiety
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DailyStrength website Was anyone on here members of the bipolar group on daily strength??
I've been trying to access my old account, TiredLittleTanager to no avail and it's driving me nucking futz. I literally had a decade long journal I can't get to at all. Hoping maybe one of yous guys was a pal of mine on there and could send it to me.
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self.bipolar
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I think sometime in the very near future, if stuff doesent turn around im leaving everything behind me. If my life continues to travel ddownwards, and i continue to hate working a minimum wage slave job, and being lonely, with no friends, no future plans, bleak look on life. I am leaving everything behind. I am saying fuck you to my boss, im going out with a bag on my back some cash, the essentials, and im just gonna travel to wherever life takes me on this journey. Maybe ill travel out of country before i begin, maybe not. I hear its something like vagabonding? idk. I think im going to try this in the very close future though, its basically my first option before suicide. I saw a russian guy travel across the US on freight trains, i want to try that. My only fear is something bad happening and becoming homeless. I do have my family who cares about me fortunately. But your guys thoughts? Good idea?
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self.depression
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It's not [just] you, it's your cats. I have asthma, and I'm severely allergic to cats... and horses, and some dogs...
When my mom brought two cats home, I was really excited for her! She loves them and has wanted one for years but couldn't have one when I was in the house as a kid. My eyes swell shut and I start wheezing within minutes of being inside a home with a cat, much less multiple cats. Now I'm grown and I live a couple hours away so I'm not there all the time, but the expectation at holidays is that I spend as much time as possible at her house, which is MISERABLE for me. She likes to stay up late watching movies on the couch or wake up and hang out in pajamas making breakfast and drinking coffee, and I like that quality time with her too, but physically it is all-but-killing me.
Mom spends the days before a visit cleaning floors and washing blankets and dusting everything, but doesn't understand that all her work only helps the slightest bit; if I'm breathing in the house, my whole body is slowly swelling and lungs are constricting. Over thanksgiving I stayed just two nights in a spare room (where the door is always shut so no cats can enter), but Im constantly blowing my nose and waking up through the night struggling to breathe, and by 9AM the second day the inhalers and Benadryl are worthless.
Mom, constantly: "I'm so sorry, [pouts] is there anything I can get you?"
Me: "no, I'm sorry, it's the cats. I'm gonna go outside and walk around the block to get some air for a bit."
Mom: "oh, okay, I'm really sorry" or "but it's freezing out there!"
It's like we're battling for who can feel more guilty, her for having the cats or me for having the allergies. It's obvious that I'm miserable when I'm struggling to breathe or using up BOXES of tissues, but somehow physical torture is less scary to me than disappointing my mom by not staying at her house. Before I left yesterday I brought up possibly staying in a hotel next time, but it's the same guilty/sorry/disappointed thing any time I mention staying somewhere else, "I'd hate for you to have to do that, it was so nice having you stay here, I don't get to see you very much/often enough." She's sweet about it so I don't know how to make a clean break, and here I am 24 hours later, home/showered/rested, and I'm still wheezing/coughing/swollen. This happens every visit. I can't actually afford to stay in hotels by myself for several nights each holiday or visit, and she is no closer to understanding how bad it really is for me there. And so, the cycle perpetuates.
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self.offmychest
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Redditors with dysthymia, how do you cope? I've been severly depressed for 23 years, I i truly believe that I have this. I have vivid memories of wanting to commit suicide at 4 years old. I have had medication and therapy, and have a surprisingly supportive friend group. I can't get a doctor to take me seriously although I've been pushing for this diagnosis for 4 years. Every doctor I get just says "It's women troubles" or to change my birth control (which I have tried). What was the diagnosis process like?
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self.depression
|
Maybe now I'll be strong enough to end this relationship It's uncomfortable to look back at my post history on this account because I've posted here several times in this past year about how I'm unhappy with my relationship and I'm thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend. But I never did. Now his Trump love has gotten worse than ever, he's kind of a dick to me at least as much as he always was, that hasn't really improved or gotten worse. We had another fight where he said I have to accept him, even though I feel like he doesn't accept me (even though he says he does). He also kinda accused me of being a gold-digger, even though he insists that's not what he meant. We just don't have the same worldview, the same values I guess. I don't think I ever really fell in love with him, because I never really felt emotionally safe enough. He's always gotta be mocking, as a "joke", or criticizing, or we just fight about the multitude of things we disagree on.
I don't know how I'm going to do this, or if I'm even strong enough. I don't even know when. I don't want to blindside him. I guess I'll have to do it during a fight, that would be easiest. Maybe he won't be blindsided at this point though, who knows.
I'm just so sad. I failed. I am 29 years old, he's probably my last realistic chance to have a husband and children. But he's not even really a chance because I know I won't be happy. But I'm scared and nervous to break up with him, I'm afraid I won't actually do it, or it'll take me months like the last time I ended a long-term relationship.
And it's not like it was all bad. It never is, right? In a lot of ways he's very thoughtful and caring. Also he puts up with me having vaginismus, which I know most men would not. But I'm not happy, and I guess I feel like I've been trying for awhile, to no real avail. If anything, it's gotten worse. We'll do NYE together tomorrow night, but after that, I guess there isn't really much standing in my way, except my own fear and anxiety.
I wish I could talk to more friends about this, but the truth is, I don't want anyone to know I'm unhappy or that we fight or that he's a dick sometimes or a Trump supporter.
I wish someone could tell me what to do, or that I should break up with him. I'm so at sea in my own life.
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self.offmychest
|
I’m done. I’m worse than I’ve even been. I’m so lost, I’m tired. Tired of pretending I’m okay, tired of trying to start over, when I can’t get anywhere. I’m so lost, and I’m exhausted.
I finally realized there is nothing left for me, not anymore. I just want the pain to stop.
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self.offmychest
|
Can't focus on studying when the voices in my head keep telling me that I can't make it [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I can't believe how naive I was in thinking things would ever get better. 22/F, 5th year college student.
I don't even have the words to explain how I'm feeling/what's going on. I've struggled with writing this for like an hour lol
I'm still lonely with absolutely no friends/'associates' (literally 0 contacts in my phone aside from my mom and brother). You always hear "college is the time of your life" and in high school, when I'd sit by myself at lunch and put my head down the whole period, I thought I should stick around because maybe the loneliness would pass in college and I'd finally make at least 1 friend and truly be able to experience life. Then again, my college experience is my fault, since I never actively attended clubs/organizations and was always discouraged after having an awkward interaction with someone within the first half hour of meetings.
My grades are really bad. I chose a business-related major (after changing 4 times) which is really dumb, considering I may be autistic (dreading actually receiving a diagnosis, but when I suggested I may be autistic to a psychiatrist once she'd didn't react at all, so it must be obvious). I never attended any of the networking events my school provides. I've never had a job/internship, so I'm royally fucked when I graduate in May. It's a major that has a really good job placement for grads from my school, but I'm about to be one of those rare statistics of unemployed graduates. I've applied to a few places before (only to stuff I've felt qualified for; so the few listings that don't have the "great communication skills" requirement), but I never hear back from any of them. I dread the interview process too and the phone screenings some companies have. I've never had one but I always feel sick when I overhear other students' phone interviews and how long the conversations last, because I just don't have anything to talk about. I really have nothing going for me. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to survive. I'm a complete failure.
I realized college wasn't great within the first month of freshman year, but I just thought maybe it'd get better at some point. I was terribly wrong. Truly hadn't expected to even still be around as a 5th year student, still trying to get a degree. I thought I'd have killed myself by now, so I never made plans for the future. I just don't know what to do. How to move forward from this.
I'm not sure what I'm really upset about. The loneliness which will very likely follow me the rest of my life, or how much of an absolute failure and how much time/money I've wasted at college. I don't know what to do with myself. I have 3 finals coming up this week but I can't concentrate on anything.
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self.SuicideWatch
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offff why do i always see myself fat in the mirror? please help me get past this it's really annoying i hate myself so much
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self.depression
|
Huge mood swings, confused and desperate. Can anyone relate? Sorry for the long post or if I'm rambling, my head is feeling heavy and I'm tired.
Friday 2 weeks back I felt worse than I have in a long time. I got extremely nervous, anxious and scared after coming home from school. After that weekend I suddenly had a burst of energy and I felt like nothing could stop me. I was talking to girls, making them laugh and left a party contently after a few drinks (I usually get completely wasted looking for some sort of relief), I felt like I was gonna fight my way through anything that opposed me and have a blast while doing so! But yesterday evening (sunday) I was back on the bottom again...
This is what my life has been like all 19 years of it. Whenever I find mental stability, get to know people, make friends and get into rhythm something comes along and overthrows it. This time it's a 16 week long internship during which I won't interact with any friends or peers at all. Other people seem to view these sort of things (internships, new schools, moving etc.) as interesting challenges from which they can gain something, but I never managed to get that perspective.
I'm 19, never had a girlfriend, balding and not very attractive overall. I used to weigh over 225 pounds but I managed to lose that weight 2 summers ago. The insecurities that my weight gave me didn't disappear however. They were just replaced by other worries.
Can anyone relate to this? People always say life as a teenager is supposed to be tough and that life will bring you to your knees if you let it etc. but that doesn't exactly change the way I feel. Should I feel like this? Sometimes I feel so low that I get very scary thoughts... I hate having thoughts like that because I sincerely love life. I love music, nature, science, learning, laughing and having fun with friends, you name it. But my life seems to exist on a foundation of anxiety and desperation with occasional bursts of happiness and enjoyment rather than the other way around...
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self.depression
|
Do you ever just lie to yourself and convince yourself that everything is negative? I know I lie to myself sometimes. Even if I'm wrong about hating myself. I feel like I deserve to be depressed.
|
self.depression
|
Looking for opinions I will give a tl;dr on my history. I'm 29, home schooled until college, and I used video games as an escape from reality. I lack social skills and only recently started to contemplate suicide (3 months ago). I still live with my parents.
I will try to describe my mental state. When I look in a mirror I don't recognize myself, I know this sounds stupid but I still see my younger self. I also feel as if nothing is real and that I'm in a dream.
Now onto why I want to kill myself. I'm close to graduating college and have no real experience in my field. I do realise that this is my own fault, however I have to complete an internship or else I fail. I know if I don't graduate I have no other options but suicide. I have a lot of debt from student loans, which I do accept responsibility for. After I realized my only option was suicide if I fail, I decided to try to be more of an adult(I know lol), so I got a job (never had one before) and I thought I would be okay even if I failed college. However, after working a while I started asking myself "What's the point?". I started trying to think of an answer until I realized there isnt one. I have thought of the consequences of my suicide which would be hurt siblings and parents, I also hate the thought of how I wasted my parents time/resources just to kill myself. I stopped spending my pay and instead I'm saving for my death expenses to at least be courteous. I am thinking of getting a life insurance policy and making my suicide look like an accident.
Also, I don't think that I'm Autistic or have Asperger's mainly because I can interact with people when required and maintain eye contact. I do get nervous though the longer an interaction lasts. It's basically a flood of intrusive thoughts that everyone is judging me, talking about me, etc. the longer I interact with people the more anxious I get.
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self.SuicideWatch
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