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My family probably thinks I'm a freak, pervert or even worse a pedophile. Part 1): Okay so here's my story. I'm 20 and I'm tried to get with my 14 year old sister friend who is also 14 who's a freshmen in H.S. I was never attracted to her before but during the past year she would flirt with me or give me signals lowkey that was signs she was attracted to me but I never really acted on her actions, I would usually just smile, ignore it or look the other way. But sometimes I think maybe she was just being extra friendly or maybe she like me at certain period but stopped because she realized I was too old and I didn't know. But she do things like smile and touch my thigh, bend over in front of me and see if I was looking, try to ride my on back and hold my hands, also she would always smile and get excited when im around and shake my hand, also she once ask if she could see my abs, and I replied,"No I don't have no abs". and she would spend a night over our house just to see me and one time when she spent a night she came in my room early in the morning while everybody was still sleep under the ruse to just ask for something but it was blatantly obvious she wanted to more than just ask for something. but I wasn't really attracted to her back then like I am now that's why I really never gave her the chance, I would usually just smile, be nice, pretend I was oblivious to what she was doing. But over the past few months I found myself to be very attractive to her because she developed really fast and hey she has a nice physique, and although she not as blatant she use to be when she liked me, she does do things that's makes me wonder if she if just being friendly and im misreading her or she is still lowkey attracted me. So after tons of lustful thoughts, contemplating, waiting, and planning, I gave in to my impulsive lower animal nature of sin and without really being reasonable and weighing out the consequences of my actions, I let my dark thoughts and emotions override my behavior and I decided to take it upon myself to find out if I had chance with her which turns out to be one of the worst mistakes of my life and now its eating me alive, I feel embarrassed, shameful, fear, disgust, anxiety in me right now for what I did and now I'm going to tell you guys how the story played out. The event took place on Dec, 6 2017, so after decided alot of thinking I decided I was going to tell her how I feel about her and In my head at the moment my concept of right or wrong was out the window and I was purely acting on my animal impulses/desires. And when I was planning, I imagine that she was going to accept me because I thought she still liked me and we would have a secret relationship even though I'm 6 years older than her and boy was I Wrong. So at around 3pm when I was riding my bike home from the store , when she just so happen to get off the bus from school where she always come to our house to pick up her younger brother and then walk home around the corner where she lives. And so as I was almost to my house, we saw each other and was about to cross paths, and there she was walking while smiling at me, trying to crack jokes about me while laughing while with her brother, being her usual self and here I was riding towards her, nervous while my heart is pounding fast, smiling while at the same time thinking about how I will tell her how I feel and thinking she will accept me. So as we came across eachother she said hey to me and I replied back, and she said some things and I said somethings which wasn't really important it was just small talk, and then I ask for her number or rather I told her to put her number in my phone and her head kinda went back as if to be surprised, and then she asked why, so I said," Can you keep a secret", she replied, "yes", so I gestured her to come forward because I didn't want her lil brother to hear what I was about to say, and then I basically told her that I liked her, and without a second thought, her head snapped back in surprised while looking confused and she repeated what I said out loud," YOU LIKE ME", and her younger brother was right there when she said it, and I gave her a looked as to tell her ,"OMG quiet down a little", But after her reaction to what I said and before she even gave an answer, I knew I just fucked up.
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self.offmychest
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I was a child actor. I was sexually harassed and assaulted. I'm not traumatised by this. Wtf? From everything I'm reading, I should be very disturbed and very affected. But I'm not.
I've experienced depression, and I've felt the emptiness and negativity associated with that. But it's never seemed to me to be connected with my sexual experiences.
My depression seems to be connected with the fact that I can't feel genuinely connected with others. I'm introverted and I don't enjoy smalltalk.
When (in the industry) others treated me wrongly, I was able to shut myself off.
But I can't shut myself off to normal criticism. I can't stop listening when executives told me what I needed to do look prettier.
Maybe I really am fucked up. Who am I kidding.
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self.offmychest
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I just don't know what is wrong with me. I don't want to feel better.. [deleted]
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self.depression
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You’re all great people, I wish I was more like YOU Meh... ya know when you’re just so done with everything...yeah? Me too. Like right now. If I’m honest, I didn’t even want to write this. That’s the lazy useless piece of shit I’ve become, I didn’t even want to write out this short post that takes barely any time at all.
I see all of you on this sub helping others, even when you’re suicidal or seriously depressed yourself, and that’s awesome, man. The fact that you gain satisfaction out of helping others even though you’re going through the same shit is inspiring, so I’d like to just say thank you to all you guys on this sub, who knows how many lives you’ve saved? How many mothers you have given hope to? How many doggos still get to wag their tales because their human was saved by great people like yourselves. You should all be fucking proud if nothing else in this cold world.
I’m too far gone though I think, I’ve just had ANOTHER argument with my better half, who is 7 months pregnant with my first child. (A boy btw) and every time we argue, it gets worse. For example, about an hour ago I smashed a mirror over my head, and then proceeded to cut the fuck out of myself with scissors until I bled so much it was genuinely worrying. But I just don’t have the ability to think when I’m in these situations; I black out. It’s progressively getting worse though, like it only started off as I would punch myself, now I cut myself, I’m 99% sure next time I will progress to something worse, until the point my GF is going to find me dead one day. My Gf doesn’t deserve it, she’s awesome. Does everything for me and more. Can’t say a bad word about her. And of course I don’t want to die because of her and the baby.(oh, and the doggo) however, for some reason, I always really do want to die, it gives me comfort thinking about suicide.
I just want to know guys, does it get better? Or shall I just get it over and done with now, so girlfriend can move on and find someone who is actually prepared to treat her like the princess she is. Please help guys. You’re literally all I’ve got right now. (Oh yeah,except the doggo, dam it!)
TLDR - about to have a baby, but am so depressed I don’t even see myself making it to the birth.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Happy New Year To all those people who went through shit this year.....To the people who went through deaths, heartbreaks and disappointments. You did good, the year is over. Celebrate the year you had. Rememeber this year forever. It might seem stupid now, but it won't be later.
Happy New Years! :)
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self.offmychest
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walked out of work 4 hours early. feeling guilty and tired. need advice. worked all throughout christmas, ten days in a row, sometimes finishing work at 10:30pm and then having work at 8am the next morning. all of my team has snapped at me for things which arent my fault.
a colleague did it to me two days ago and i left. he took me to one side and genuinely snapped at me for doing my job (i wish i was joking.) so i just left. i told him i was leaving and walked out 4 hours early. i ended up going to a doctor, getting signed off work for two weeks.
i dont know if i should leave that job. on one side i feel so embarrassed and guilty, that i wasnt professional at all, but on the other side i feel angry and i know i was treated unfairly.
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self.offmychest
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Too tough to live with my mistakes I don't know if I will see 2019. I feel ashamed of myself. If my family or friends found out what I've done, they would all disown me. My mom wouldn't speak to me.
I've always been "the good one" of my parents' children. My sister was always the wild child. In the fall I finally moved out this past fall and a a couple weeks ago did something I can't live with. (This is my dummy account for talking about it.)
The guilt and same just haunts me daily now. It feels like I've been building up this image for 31 years, and it's a false one. I'm constantly paranoid that the whole situation will crumble. The uncertainty is too much for me to bear.
Weekdays I barely focus at work and wait for the time I leave. Weekends are worse.
My nephew is 7 and looks up to me, but even he has had a fading interest in hanging out with me as of late. It's like he senses I'm wrong in the head. I want to be positive around him because he's a kid, but it just takes too much energy.
I'm defective. To quote a song: "A monkey in a long line of kings."
I often think I will soon write a note to everyone, just in case anything happens. Literally I have two friends, and one's a first cousin.
I keep wondering how I got here, and how it happened so fast. And I don't have any other answer than: It's just me. It's my fault. It can't be undone. I'm not "good."
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self.SuicideWatch
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Drove out of town for the first time by myself today. In the rain, too. No accidents or honks. Was anxious the entire time but still oddly relieved.
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self.Anxiety
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Tips for being supportive to my partner? Hello all. My partner (me, 32m, her 31f) has recently been diagnosed with a "general anxiety disorder". Up until a month ago, she was a fiercely independent, take charge kind of person, but in the blink of an eye she changed almost entirely. She had a random panic attack one morning about a month ago, and since then she has been indecisive, difficult, emotional...just a wreck. This was when she was diagnosed with the general anxiety, and about a week ago she began taking ativan as needed, and celexa once daily. I have some experience with anxiety disorders, my mother suffered from it, and I've dealt with it myself when I was younger, but her personality has shifted so completely that it's like she is a different person sometimes. She used to go out by herself and stay active, now she won't drive. we used to seek out exciting food to eat together, now she isn't interested in food. She didn't even take Tylenol before, and now she's taking four to six ativan daily. I am trying my best to be supportive of her, and she knows she can lean on me when she needs to. When she has attacks or episodes i try to talk to her about our surroundings, or we read aloud from books to each other. I've brought out all of our dust collecting board games and we sit together and focus on those when it's bad. I guess what i'm looking for is maybe some ideas of things I can do for her during attacks or episodes to help mitigate the anxiety. And also, what can I do for myself to stop from becoming bogged down in my own anxiety, and negativity during her troubling times?
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self.Anxiety
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I'd like to tell you about this pendant I wear. [Pendant](https://imgur.com/a/bnhyE)
I wear this pendant every day because of this woman: Senua, from Ninja Theory's video game Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice. How come? What is it about, and what does it have to do with bipolar?
I've talked about Hellblade before on this subreddit, but to summarize, Senua is a Celtic warrior ostracized from her tribe and on a quest to Hel to reclaim the soul of her beloved, who was sacrificed. She is severely mentally ill and throughout the game combats visual, tactile, and audio hallucinations, which she has to overcome to save her lover's soul.
Throughout the game are lorestones, an optional objective, but one that you can scan to unlock a tidbit of Norse mythology as you wend your way through the game. Near the end of the game, Senua reflects on all the runes she's found (literally), before facing the final foe.
This game was incredibly impactful to me. Like I wrote to the developers, it gave me the language I needed to describe my childhood psychosis to others--just how fucking black it got. I had to play the game in pieces, an hour at a time, lest it overwhelm me. The throwbacks to my own experience and the feelings it stirred was, frankly, nothing short of traumatic. A good hurt, though, one that let me examine my own experiences in a new light, years away from them.
This necklace I wear, originally touted as a symbol of Odin ("put this on and feel Odin's power! rah rah rah") means "bipolar" to me. It means "mentally ill" to me. It is my own private way of paying tribute to my old experiences, of recognizing what will and what could come next, and as a reminder to prepare for those things by doing the right thing today--taking my meds, getting to bed on time, communicating, day by day and minute by minute.
I like to think that this necklace ties me to Senua. I like to think that the experiences that we--her as character, me as player--underwent together were as real to me as they were to her...and that like her, I made it through my own crucible, and do again, day by day. Each time I get out of bed, that's a battle won. Each time I journal my moods, that's a step forward. Each time I contact my psychiatrist and keep them appraised of how I'm doing, that's a prayer to the gods, if you will.
Being bipolar can be unpredictable and terrifying at times. But wearing this pendant is a private sign to me, a coded language, that I use to feel connection to the greater community. I know I'm not alone. I know that I can reach out to the friends I've made here on reddit, in the bipolar reddits, for support and help and insight. But most of all, it's a reminder that whatever battle I'm fighting I have the strength to win it--whether that's the anxiety I feel about going to a coworker with an issue I've let sit, or whether it's discussing an issue relevant to your work with the CEO of your company (yes, this happened earlier today).
It's small. It's private. It's mine. And I want to share it with you guys, because this is part of my experience, and something I draw strength from day by day. I hope you find something useful from my experience. Because at the end of the day, we're all warriors, like Senua, fighting to survive and thrive. Because we're fucking worth it.
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self.bipolar
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I can’t stand it when you talk about your girlfriend. I have a crush on you, but you have a girlfriend. Whenever you talk about her, you always say how she’s perfect and how beautiful she is and how much you love her. It physically pains me not to roll my eyes. I probably seem like a bad person for getting annoyed by this, but I can’t help but wish I was in her shoes. Whenever you touch me in a playful way or say how grateful you are to have me in your life, I get a little bit of hope. Then you go on to talk about how perfect she is. You guys have nothing in common, but you and I find out new things we have in common every single day. I know I seem like a complete jackass right now, but I want the best for you and if she makes you happy, keep her. I’ll just be here to support you, care for you, basically be your girlfriend without the good parts. Your friend.
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self.offmychest
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That’s right, I didn’t get up from priority seating. Fuck you for standing in front of me and staring me down. After a 2 minute staring contest I even took out my earplugs and told you I have a neck injury and need to sit. Sorry, I was having muscle spasms because of the nerve damage. After that you just stood off to the side and glanced at me with daggers in your eyes.
Well, ask the fucking 12 year old across from me for their seat. And! How were you ok standing the whole time? Asshole.
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self.offmychest
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I’m the biggest loser I know and fantasize about suicide every night. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I feel like I let anxiety beat me today. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I do not have a specific title Its almost like the realization that the space between and the things I do, day to day, week to week etc..its not a feeling of pointlessness because I already know what that feeling is. Its in my stomach and It makes me feel ill but not sick ill just empty like my stomach has dropped but I'm underwater and the pressure of the sea is pushing me down. This is not depression, I am pretty sure at least. This is something that makes me want to run away to leave everyone who pretends to care about me leave the people that leave me alone when I get upset or angry i ahve to og
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self.SuicideWatch
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My boyfriend's ex was sexually assaulted. She reached out to him and he asked me what he should do. I told him to be there for his friend.
I'm pretty well acquainted with her. She just moved somewhere that she'd been waiting to move her whole life.
It fucking pisses me off. No one should have to go through that, but so many do.
My boyfriend doesn't know I was raped a bit over a year ago. It's really hard hearing about everything that happened with this girl and just reliving every fucking detail. I don't know how to tell him to stop talking about it without making it about myself, but i just feel so sick to my stomach. He doesn't know and I want him to be there for her, and besides, I'm not ready to talk about it.
So I'll just keep my head down and let him focus on his friend. It's happened to so many of us that we need to stick together. I'll tell him another time.
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self.offmychest
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Did you know that it takes up to three months after infection for HIV to show up in a blood test? Neither did I. I also didn't know that post-exposure prophylaxis was a thing, until it was much too late. So for the past two months, I may or may not have been a walking biohazard, and I still have to wait another month before I find out. The anxiety is killing me. I had actually recently stopped having a lot of my anxiety symptoms, but now they're back in full force. And this grand fuckup is all on me, and I don't feel like I can even talk to anyone about it.
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self.offmychest
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I feel like there truly isn't anything here for me [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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For the girls. Mood changes with period beyond just normal PMS Hi ladies and anyone with experience in this field!
My periods have always been erratic (between 30-50 days) so I struggle to know if My anger and anxiety is as a result of hormonal fluctuations or if I’m just having a bad time.
I spent the last 4 days under the threat of a constant panic attack and had to take diazepam 3 times a day as well as 25 mg quetiapine at the same time just to manage my symptoms.
Does anyone else suffer badly in the lead up to getting their period? What do you do to keep yourself well during that time?
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self.bipolar
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I just took 10000 mg of calcium and 5000 mg of ibuprofen I have 8 losacar-H pills all of those are my mother's what would it do ? [deleted]
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self.depression
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One last bowl It's only weed, but I've been addicted for years now and my life has obviously not benefited from it. I keep going back and back. I honestly have no idea what I'm gonna do when this bowl is gone. I hope I don't seek out my dealers and perpetuate the cycle that has been going on for years. I'm in the prime of my life with nothing to show for it, no friends, few hobbies and angry at everything I have no control over, except my drug habit.
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self.offmychest
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I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS [deleted]
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self.depression
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I don't wanna die so why do I keep doing this??? It's been a really hard summer/fall.... I have a super high tolerance after so many years of use. I just downed a bottle of NyQuil severe and 8 mg xanax pure. I'm in my mid 40's not new to any of this.... found out after I took that my niece may go into preterm labor. Shit..... hoping to wake up just a little groggy in a few hours.
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self.bipolar
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Therapist called me "whiney"? Today during therapy, my therapist was sort of complimenting me on the progress I have made over the last six months. As a little bit of background, I had a mental breakdown of sorts where I had a series of anxiety attacks in a row that landed me in the hospital for about a month back in May.
Anyways, as part of my progress, my therapist was describing my demeanor during therapy sessions. He said that I was "making more eye contact and less whiney."
Should I be offended that he called me "whiney" in the past? Or should I be more focused on his larger point, which is that I've made progress? Should I be happy that he is being honest with me? Or is his use of the word derogatory?
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self.Anxiety
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Craving mania Does anyone else ever crave mania? I know it can be hazardous to my health and hard on my family but sometimes I crave the feeling of mania and the energy/insight that I had during my episode. I take my meds so it won’t happen but I wish I could function during mania and not go too far down the rabbit hole. I’m bipolar 1 by the way.
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self.bipolar
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You start off young and it just grows When I think about all my suicidal thoughts I get a reminder that the first time I contemplated suicide was when I was very young, maybe 9 or 10. It's insane that a kid that young who hasn't cherished life enough is already thinking about death.
I wasn't bullied, had a good social life, and education life. I knew I was suicidal because of my mother who has made me extremely insecure. It hurts to know she won't even kiss me or let alone hug me anymore.
People who you crave the most attention from sometimes gives you the wrong and the worst attention. I still love you mom, I know you love me too. I'm sad that I wanted to die because I was your child and after all these years I'm still sad. Please talk to me sometime before it's too late.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Laying here in bed... I'm a recovering alcoholic who, in the last year, actually took my life back and made an insane amount of progress.
I took a job that was "nothing" just to get back on my feet and somehow worked myself into a managerial role with very good pay that I thought I would NEVER see.
I got a therapist and a psychiatrist to help me through my issues.
I had a girl for a bit and actually had a fun relationship while sober for the first time in my life.
I got friends back that I thought I had lost out on forever.
I even connected with one of my old school friends and I consider her my best friend and cheerleader because of how much she's motivated me through my toughest times. Not many people have someone like that in their lives. But I do.
I also got my feel for writing back and began writing towards a novel again.
But here I am, laying in bed, wondering why I'm so lonely and feel so worthless. Recently, I hit a tough point where most feelings I've hit are either numbness to sadness and nothing above that. There's no spark at my job and my manager is frustrated as to why I'm not showing any fire for our peak season. He even told me once "dude if I'm in your face tell me to fuck off. Do something to let me know you're there." At home, I'm feeling extremely claustrophobic with the added twist that I had four wisdom teeth taken out and can't leave even if I tried. I cried like a baby at a wrestling video i've watched a million times that used to make me happy.
I'm not drinking and I don't want to drink. This isn't about me wanting to relapse because I know that would be the end of my life. But I don't want to get up anymore. I did SO MUCH to get myself to a stable point, and now this stupid depression wants to drag me back down and take me out.
I've also lost my concentration on the CBT I've been working through. The first variable in each question regarding whichever hypothetical position I'm put in puts a hole in my stomach each time instead of doing what it's supposed to and change my feelings over. It makes me feel physically sick to think back to my days of being bullied or the long depressing nights I had.
This is maybe the most miserable I've ever felt while sober. I'm off of work until Saturday night so I have another two days of zero on my plate. And instead of reading and preparing for it, I'm here trying to sleep it off all day to no avail.
This sucks.
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self.depression
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Random presentation in class. Absolutely panicking. I'm in college for dental hygiene and I'm currently taking a bio class. It was never stated on the syllabus that there was ever a presentation. Today my professor decided instead of a final exam, we can just do a 15 minute presentation of a Bio topic of our choice and we can work with groups but a maximum of 3 people per group.
My biggest weakness is presenting. Whenever I am told there is a presentation I immediately panic...my chest tightens... all that jazz! I really don't talk to anyone in the class it seems like everyone has already formed friendships and I feel like an idiot.
I went up to my professor and told her my situation, that I have severe anxiety and I would be willing to do any other assignment, take an actual final exam, or just present to her one on one. I've never had any issues with any professors in the past about this and they're usually very accommodating. She was iffy. She reluctantly agreed to have me do it one on one but I could tell that was not what she preferred. She even told me herself that she used to be afraid of talking in front of people and now she's a professor, so I'm not really sure why she was being so iffy if she's experienced the same thing? Weird.
I thought talking to her would make me feel better but now I feel even worse. She did say I could do it just with her but like I said, she seemed to backtrack. It gave me more anxiety because she was so iffy. Endless vicious anxiety cycle.
Anyone else have any experience with presenting and were your professors accommodating to your anxiety?
*im sorry if this comes off as if "I deserve this because I have anxiety" totally not my intention for this post I'm just feeling really shitty about the whole thing.
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self.Anxiety
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TO THE COSMIC NOTHINGNESS OR ANYONE ON THE OTHER END I JUST HAVE TO LET THIS OUT I want to bawl my eyes out before and during every. fucking. shift. I hate my job SO MUCH. This is the first one I've had and I absolutely HATE IT.
I opened last Wednesday and had to actually walk to the bathroom just to take a LONG break and cry. I can't even find out what I hate so much!!! I've been doing OKAY, I haven't messed up other than 2 occasions. I got my very FIRST order wrong, and then the second time I forgot to put a beer into the computer. THAT'S IT!!! AND YET I STILL GET THE RACING, UNBEARABLE FEELING OF ANXIETY IN MY WHOLE BODY BEFORE EVERY SHIFT!!
Whats weird is its been making me closer to my parents, the thought of seeing them before every shift makes me want to cry even MORE! I can't stand this job! My coworker asked if I could cover his shift tomorrow on my day off and the thought of it actually made me sick to my stomach and I puked out the little food I've been able to keep in. I feel like a fucking dickhead every time my phone goes off and it's my manager asking if anyone can cover a shift and I completely ignore the message but I just can't bring myself around this.
I
Hate
My
Job
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self.offmychest
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hasn't even been a year since my last suicide attempt [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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If i have extremely low vitamin D does that mean i dont have severe depression?? [deleted]
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self.depression
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My heart is broken and I don't know what to do. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Diagnosis reveal to my date didn't go well I was diagnosed Bipolar II about 2.5 years ago. This year I finally got on meds that work and don't give me horrible side effects. So I started dating more. Online. A month ago, I started to talk to and date an amazing guy. Everything about him was great and we fit well together. On our 3rd date we were talking about some serious topics so I decided to tell him about my diagnosis. It had to come out at some point. He did not take it well. Apparently he had an ex that was undiagnosed when they were dating and she abused and cheated on him. Yesterday, a week after I told him, he told me he couldn't disassociate me from his ex. I was heart broken. It feels like no one will ever be ok with the diagnosis. Is it even worth it to try? Are there better ways to come out to dates? Feeling pretty down right now.
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self.bipolar
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I have an inferiority complex that makes me want to die. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I don't know what to do [self indulgent putting of thoughts into written words] I hate everything I have become.
I'm 28. I have no girlfriend, almost no friends, and very little hope for my future.
In 2010 I graduated with First class honours degree in an arts subject. I also have an IQ of 153 according to the invigilated test I did with Mensa. I now work in a mediocre job delivering mediocre performance. I feel like the last seven years have been a complete waste. I never did join Mensa... I don't feel clever enough. It's so hard to learn anything when you are constantly tired and demotivated.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. Doubt crippled me as the final year of academia dawned. I would have been happiest continuing my studies but, then as now, I had no confidence in myself. I was already deep in five-figures' worth of debt and didn't believe in my ability to win a scholarship or funding. I took my degree and headed home in search of work instead.
It wasn't just that I had a lack of confidence - I had a full-on mental breakdown that year. Away from my home and my family and with noone to support me, I sought medical help. I didn't enjoy the experience. Taking the pills they gave me made me feel like I wasn't independent. I hated it; I am nothing if not independent. It's always just been me and my own determination to persevere that has gotten me here.
In the end, I never finished the course of medication. There was a mix-up when I transferred GP surgeries at the time I moved home. I ended up short on the subscription I was taking and when I went to the GP to resolve the situation, there was an argument and the doctor was verbally abusive to me . I left and resolved to never come back - I knew then and I know now that I have noone to depend upon for my mental well-being but myself.
Thankfully after 4 months of searching, I soon found a job to distract myself. It was low-level and temporary, but it led to something else, and that led to something else... and here I am, where I work today. If there is one thing I am thankful for it is that I have a job with a good employer. Even if it is not what I wanted, I realise that there are dozens of people who would want what I have.
That said... I have been in this job for five years and have made approximately zero friends. I don't think I'm a bad person or have treated people badly, it just seems that they have no reason to care. Noone socialises with me outside of work. I wake up, I go to work, I clock out, go home, eat, sleep - repeat. What a boring, boring, soulless life I live.
I can't actually remember the last time I made a new friend. I think it was 2008 or 2009. It's not hard to hide the pain I feel from the few friends I have; almost all of them live several hours away. I tell a lie maybe, one of my colleagues has agreed to go for coffee with me in a couple of weeks. I guess that's something. But she makes friends with everyone in the office so does it really count?
My sex life you ask? Ha. I am a virgin of course. Worse than that, I've never even really had a proper girlfriend. I don't really have anything to offer anyone other than being safe and sensible with my money. I'm certainly not attractive; I am overweight and below average height.
Food is the one comfort I have in life. I've put on 5 stone since leaving university. I hate my body. I would like to exercise and lose weight, but the physical pain that I live with (I had an operation in 2009) holds me back.
I've lived at home for seven years and saved a lot of money in that time. I could probably buy my own house now, but I'm afraid to. Afraid of being even more alone than I am now. What is the point of having a home with no visitors, a job with no reason to work besides money and paying for that house?
Sometimes I think about quitting work and going back to university, but let's be honest - I've already unlearned everything I learned there in the first place. It is too late now, I missed the boat.
And it's not that what I do is terrible, it's just that there's no point to it. I am surviving, not living. Shuffling through this world like an emotionless zombie waiting to be put out of my misery.
The mind, my mind, is an infuriating thing. All I am left with are these thoughts of self-loathing and the bad memories of disappointments that I would rather never revisit. Good memories are part of being human; I have none.
Being at home is difficult too, however. I have never told my family about my depression. How can I? They have been openly dismissive and mocking of people with mental health problems. They would not understand if I told them.
I've been so depressed for so long that sometimes I think that this is just who I am, who I will always be. There is no other happy me.
I don't know where I go from here. I guess there's still time to change... but I have no idea how.
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self.depression
|
necessary but not sufficient being happy seems so impossibly far way
i envy others constant but folks i envy often arent happy
id need so many thing to align to get there
its absurdly hopeless
id need the following
1. genuine friends (i have zero)
2. lover(s)/partner(s)
3. financial stability
4. professional success
5. decent health
6. respect and appreciation for my thoughts ideas art labor etc
7. social transformation away from this fucked up society where so many suffer
and i know folks who have some or all of these things except social transformation of course and theyre still often sad
ive got none of them and no realistic prospects
im heavily in debt
probably going to drop out of school bc i cant perform bc too miserable
cant get a normal job bc im trans genderqueer nonbinary
so i guess ill be homeless i dont know
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self.depression
|
After effects of an Attack So i pretty much was having an anxiety attack while waiting on a response (chest tight, dizziness, nausea, urgent need to run tf out of there...etc) and when i got the answer i needed, that good ol yes, relief washed through me completely but so intense that it very nearly feel like another attack is coming. Anyone feel like this? Does relief cause anxiety too?
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self.Anxiety
|
I hate that I've lost pretty much every bit of motivation to make art I hate that I've lost pretty much every bit of motivation to make art. I hate that I haven't drawn or written anything past a few paragraphs or a small sketch every few months. I hate that every time i do find some motivation to do something creative, it gets killed within minutes.
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self.depression
|
My brother is hiding from his problems and its only making them worse, I dont know how long he's given himself My brother is a senior in high school, and has missed quite a few days from being "sick" of school. He wont admit that he's not actually sick at the time, but when he was feeling confident he let up that he does indeed fabricate symptoms to stay home.
He absolutely despises school, the academic aspsect he's cool with, and never has trouble understanding any of the material. He nearly aces all the tests and yet fails the majority of his classes due to not doing the homework.
I was the exact same. I would get sick of school and miss a day to avoid having to see the obnoxious dickwads that walk the halls. No one in particular I was just sick of it all. My senior year was the closest Ive been to ending it all. A friend online helped me out of it, but I felt so powerless when I told him. I barely passed high school, just scraping by with enough credits to graduate. I never had any trouble with the material, but I never did homework, so I failed most classes. At the end, I don't think I made it one full week without an absense to being "sick."
Our family has a lot of trouble with depression, our dad has severe bipolar depression, and is on a lot of meds for it, our mom also suffers, but is not bipolar. Both are highly regligous, my my brother and I are not so. Though it helps that my parents understand that religon is a personal solution that is came to on a individual basis, which is fortunate.
Recently my brother has been told that he'll have to drop one of his favorite classes if he misses any more days, due to an attendence requirement from the college thats doing the dual credit program. He immedatelty shared this in a lighthearted way with the family and said "you'd better not get me sick." He got "sick" at one AM the next morning. He said he was feeling dizzy. He emailed his teacher and she was understanding, saying that if does the work he'll be fine. He hasn't made it to school since last wednesday. But he felt ok enough to make it out of the house on the weekend to see a movie.
I'm assuming that he isnt actually sick in the normal sense, and that he wants to feel sick, so he does. He's either making up symptoms to stay home, or they're coming from anxiety.
I'm worried that he's resolved to not go back to school, either by staying sick indefinately, or by ending things. Each morning, I'm wondering if he's still there.
Our family has a problem with talking about our feelings to each other, at least my brother and I. For me, its physically hard to talk about my feelings to anyone I know on any level. I had a therapist that my mom took me to a few times, and I found it was incredibly difficult to say anything to him. It mad it really awkward, so I stopped going. When I try to talk to my brother about anything serious, he ends up deciding I'm being "annoying" and says "shut the fuck up, you're being onboxious right now." Normally we have a lot in common, and I consider him to be my best friend, however I'm still a big brother and I can't tell when I'm being overbearing, and considering how easy I clam up, I can understand him shutting me out.
There are guns in the house, he knows where they are and how to use them. I havent heard him say any about being sick of being alive, but I don't think he would to me.
He needs to know that I care about him. He also needs to know that the problems that are stressing him out are only going to get worse in he hides from them. The longer he hides, the more he's not going to want to stop hiding.
He has a few things I believe that keep him going. He loves metal, and were going to go see his favorite band in december. Robotics, he loves robotics and machining, he's currently the most experienced on the robotics team and it seems to be one of the only things that he leaves the house for. His girlfriend, she's great for him and they have a lot in common and I can see them lasting a long time together.
What do I do? My family isnt in the strongest state emotionally, and if one of us goes, more are sure to follow.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I quit my job (t/w ableist slurs, self harm, body image) And honestly it was the most amazing feeling in the world.
I spent two years working at functions and events ballroom, working 12 to 14 hour shifts at times, while getting yelled at and verbally abused by my boss/owner of the venue.
The team were frequently called "sp*stics", "fucksticks" and "ret*rds", and he would often imply that we were disposable.
When I was living in my van i was interrogated by my boss who called me into the office after one of the guests (his cousin) complained that the "bar woman kept disappearing into some van" - when I was in there literally twice (once on my 15 min break and once on my smoko)
He then asked me to park next to the dumpsters behind the building instead of the staff carpark.
When my colleague quit she asked me to bring her paycheck because we both lived in the same area on the other side of town from work so it was more convenient. They argued it for 3 weeks with her before finally giving in, and the reason behind it was apparently because "how do you know you can trust her(me)"
I booked, and organized countless venue tours for the business and was promised a commision that I never saw.
He asked me to provide personal and sensitive information from a friend of mine who worked for liquor licensing about other venues.
He made frequent comments on my weight despite telling him multiple times it made me uncomfortable.
I had a complaint from one of the guests who came up to me and said "hey, i dont know who to talk to about this, but someone who appears to be management seem to continuously bark orders at the staff like dogs"...
There's more shit. But in the end, my breaking point was when all of those negative words and hurtful comments started slowly seeping into my personal life and my relationship. I often looked at myself and hated myself for anything i did. Or didn't do anything because everything i did was wrong. I started abusing myself, cutting myself and ended up in hospital. He tore through my self esteem, and i cared too much about the other staff to leave until it quite literally almost killed me.
I rockstarred at a club bar one night and they couldn't stop saying how grateful they were that i could come in at such short notice and told me how much I had helped and I realized, my boss hasn't thanked me once. For anything. And I bent over backwards for him.
It made me realize I was worth more. That I am more, and that I deserve better. That it wasn't actually me that had the problem. He did. And I couldn't change how he felt about me, and it wasn't my responsibility to try.
Fuck you George.
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self.offmychest
|
I am a terrible person I, am a terrible person. I don’t mean morally, I mean as a human being, I have failed, I am unable to do the most basic task asked of people - don’t kill yourself. I’ve been through therapy, I’ve been medicated for a ton of stuff, I’ve talked until I ran out of problems to talk about, and no matter how many times I walk around this circle, I’m always somehow surprised when I end up back here. Sometimes it takes years to go around, sometimes it takes months, hell, recently it’s been taking hours. I was born into a fortunate household. Do I get everything I want? No, but do I need to get a job to support myself? No. Do I have two parents? Yeah. Do I know that I have a place to sleep? Yeah. My life isn’t perfect, but I don’t have any real problems, no stress, no hard times, nothing. My sadness is not a result of my life, it’s a result of me. No matter what happens in my life, I will find a way to hate it because I, am a terrible person, I am broken, and I am the biggest problem I have. Stop telling me that it gets better, there’s no better for my life to get, stop telling me that hard times come and go, because I’ve never experienced hard times, I’m a rich scumbag, somebody born with money, with time, with a family, and yet I am totally unable to experience happiness, I am unable to allow myself to be sad, I sit cursed, in a hollow limbo, living vicariously through the cut wrists of people well adjusted enough to at least understand why they are sad. Have you ever needed to sneeze but been unable to? Have you ever been caught, sitting on the edge, in a strong breeze, trying to jump only to find you are chained to the ground? Because that’s my life. I’m not a victim of my situation, or the people around me, the only maniacal torturer for me to blame my problems on lives in the mirror, and I have no idea how to fix the machine that tells me how to fix things. Somebody just tell me that I am broken, and send me back to the factory, please.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Work-related Stress. Was having a good morning... Brief background: Got laid off a year ago (was given notice weeks in advance, just in time for the holidays, yea). I was unemployed for a few weeks, got a temp job, which has led to a full-time position with the same company. It's not the direction I was intending to go, but it was this or unemployment, and this job pays very well for me and has benefits. But I've been dealing with a lot of job-related stress and anxiety since being given notice over a year ago (yes, I am seeing a therapist).
I just need to vent I guess...I work from home alot so I don't get to talk to a lot of people about anything personal. This new position I've had for a few months, and it's been a huge source of stress and anxiety for me. It's a huge step outside of my comfort zone. Yes I am learning, but I am one of those people afraid to try new things or ask for help. I'm afraid to do tasks I'm not familiar with because I am afraid I'll screw it up.
Which kind of leads me to this morning. I was actually not too anxious about starting my work day (which led me to wonder what would happen to ruin that mood). I was getting a little work done, and even made myself a nice breakfast (it's sometimes hard for me to eat much until after work due to stress/anxiety about work). As I'm eating my breakfast, I get an email for a meeting invite. Ok, that comes with the territory now (still working on being more confident leading meetings).
But no, not just a typical meeting about a project, a coaching session. With me and two other managers. I know it's about me, but I don't know specifics. Yesterday I had two brief discussions with these managers and I felt they went well. Why have another meeting? I feel like if I talk to someone incorrectly (not phrasing things right or using the right type of communication), we have to have an effing meeting about it.
Now I get to stress about this until tomorrow morning. What did I do? Was it that instant message I sent to someone? Did I not word things correctly? Is it just a follow up from yesterday's talks? It just makes me more anxious about talking to people, and that's a huge part of my position (project management).
I don't know...I'm just trying to hang in there until things get better or I find another job. Thanks for letting me vent.
|
self.Anxiety
|
For the first time in my life, I love and accept who I am! Featuring A Manic Hair Cut! (Bipolar Depression) [For once in my life, I felt beautiful ](https://imgur.com/a/ZnkzU)
For the last few weeks, my life has been a constant blur of depression, self deprecation, and manic moods.
I don’t know if anyone else is similar, but due to the impulse and depression aspect of my BD, I do some crazy things.
This time it was shaving my head...I’ve never done that before. Usually it’s just coloring it.
I’ve been struggling on taking care of my hair and self due to the depression being so awful. I even almost quit school.
Well, a day after shaving it, I’m back at college, and for once when I look in the mirror I see myself as beautiful. I’m not this disease. I am me. And I am beautiful. And sometimes I’m a bit crazy.
Has anyone else done some crazy ass stuff with their hair? Or looks?
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self.bipolar
|
Recently Discovered This Subreddit Happy New Year everybody. I've been on Reddit for a while but didn't know this place existed. I've had depression for a few years, but in my case, my depression comes and goes. So I can feel horrible for a whole month but after feel like I'm on top of the world for a bit. One of the sad realizations of 2017 for me is realizing that there are a lot more people who suffer from depression than I thought. I'm starting to build a good support group of friends and family when things get tough, but I haven't felt there are too many groups (to my knowledge) to talk about depression, except here. Are there any sort of discord groups or anything like that that focus on depression? Maybe even YouTubers that talk about their problems with depression. Sometimes depression hits me at the worst times, so there are times where I can't really talk to people for a bit because everyone could be at work or asleep. I think it would be cool to have a place to go to to talk with like minded people that is maybe a little faster than making a reddit post. I hope I can become active in this community as well. Anyway, Happy New Year, everybody.
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self.depression
|
I am lost. I do not know what to do. Hey guys. This is my first post here, I made this account because I need to vent and I have no one else to listen to me. To an outsider, my life seems okay: I am married to a great guy, I have a good job that pays well, my family is healthy and I have friends. To me, my life is unbearable. I am not ungrateful and I really do appreciate everything that I have in my life, but it is very hard for me to get out of bed in the morning and live out my day.
One of my main problems is my weight. I know this may seem vain to some of you, but it is a huge problem for me, someone who already struggles with low self esteem. I have gained about 15 lbs in a year, and I cannot control what I eat, nor can I motivate myself to work out. I do not recognize myself anymore, none of my old clothes fit, and I can't seem to be able to do anything about it. Every day, I tell myself, I will eat healthy, I will make better decisions, I will not hate myself, I will not speak down to myself, etc... Each and every day, I fail. This kills me.
My second problem is that I have a well paying job but it is very stressful and demanding. It takes up the majority of my day and this stress feeds into my poor eating habits. I have considered quitting but I cannot justify saying no to the money. I am scared that if I quit to try to focus on myself, I will just eat more and more because I will be less busy.
I am a lazy, unmotivated person who is notorious for making excuses for herself. I really need some guidance. I hate waking up. I hate getting out of bed. I do not even want to shower or function. I don't know what to do.
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self.depression
|
Hi, can someone talk to me right now? These past weeks have been devastating. I feel like either ranting, discusing my options or choosing a suicide method. Please help.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I feel guilty all the time for everything even though it's nothing to do with me. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Of course Was just typing out a long post and pulled up on the screen when going to hit post and it refreshed everything. I'm just even more sad now because even trying to talk about it and it fucks up. Idk I might try writing this again but I can't even remember everything I wrote anymore there's just too many thoughts racing
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anyone else had no idea they would become the person they ended up becoming anyway? The 12 year old me would be completely incompatible with how I am now at 27.
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self.depression
|
What should i do if i'm too scared to die, but don't want to live?
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self.SuicideWatch
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People are ghosting me since my diagnosis of schizophrenia I guess the post is pretty self explanatory, i had a psychotic break i guess. Deleted all social apps, now i feel a bit better. Explained to people about why i lost their snapchat streaks and why i wasn't replying. I was just ghosted. I mean they're online and talking to other people. One person was a girl I thought I could open up to as well. I guess the stigma of Schizophrenia is still strong. I have close friends left but i still can't say it doesn't hurt to lose friends. The worst thing is the voices in my head keep blaming me for them doing that and I guess its not wrong. I don't know I guess i just want some reassurance from here
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self.depression
|
Moods all over the place, got two piercings, and just want to talk to someone. I went 24 hrs without eating and just feel depressed and maybe manic in the same day. And does anyone else watch rom coms and think they need to get married and have a baby immediatly? I ate some food and drank some tea and feel a bit better. Also I'm very pleased with my piercing it's very cool. Just unlike me to think about it over breakfast, walk to the shop, and get it all within 2 hrs.
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self.bipolar
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I hope everyone has a great day tomorrow despite the break is over and everyday life starts again. I feel it in my stomach, the thought of everyones expectations that i shall act as a normal 9-5, A4, human being again, it hurts, but its going to be ok :)
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self.depression
|
I hate myself and my life right now. 21F here. I think I'm depressed and want to cut because I'm not good at communicating. If I feel anger, which I've been feeling a lot lately towards my mother, I repress it. I don't talk about it because I hate feeling angry. It reminds me of when I was younger (maybe 10 or 11) and I was violent whenever I got mad, and I got into arguments with my mom a lot. I hated it, so I try to avoid it now. But it's ruining me.
The reason I've been so mad at my mother is because we haven't had electricity going on 2 years and it seems like she doesn't care. She's been talking about getting a job for years now but she puts it off because she'd rather smoke weed all the time. I really wouldn't care if she smoked if she focused on the important things first (bills, cat food, toilet paper, etc.). I haven't had any luck finding a job even though this year was meant to be for me to focus on getting better mentally. Even when I was working it's not like she used the money I gave her wisely.
I just feel so frustrated and angry that we're living like this, that we have been living like this since I can remember, and she doesn't seem to care. I feel even more angry knowing that I can't make a difference. My brother (17) and my sister (19) live here too and it kills me knowing that they've had to live like this all their lives too. We're all old enough to work but my mom made sure we learned to be too scared to do anything on our own and depend on her.
Anyway the anger has been especially bad for the last week and I've been trying to keep it in and coping by pulling my hair out and hitting myself (no scars, no psych ward) and trying not to cut. But this morning I was really rude to her and now I feel like I really messed up. Instead of telling her how I feel I acted like a child and provoked her and now she won't talk to me. She wants me to leave.
I don't know why I wanted to post this. I just felt like getting it off my chest. I feel like a horrible daughter and I hate that I don't know how to talk about my feelings like an adult. I haven't felt this low in a while.
Thank you if you read this far.
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self.depression
|
Anxiety in overdrive dreading NYE party Currently on the way to a NYE party and I would rather be literally anywhere else in the world. My anxiety will be in full force the entire night pretending to enjoy being there. Ugh.
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self.Anxiety
|
I can't do this anymore I'm so tired I'm tired I want to die so I don't have to feel this pain everyday. I hate my life. My birthday is coming up and just realized I have no friends to spend it with. I'm so unhappy in my relationship or what ever this is. I hurt the most wonderful person in the past with cheating. Now he treats me like I don't even exist. I'm a horrible person. I failed my college classes. I hate myself.
I cut myself tonight. It felt good. I just want to get away from everyone and everything. I wish I could just sleep forever and never have to wake up. I wish things were different. I'm tired of crying every day.
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self.offmychest
|
my boyfriend posted here last night and now he’s in the hospital he posted here and said “how can i kill myself relatively quick and without bringing attention to it. i was thinking pills” and someone commented saying he wasn’t allowed to say stuff like that. this was last night
this morning he tried to hang himself in the woods and it’s a long story and you can look at my last post on my account if you want to know what happened, but now he’s in the hospital. i’m the one who told his parents and told my teacher and i feel so bad because he trusted me enough to tell me that he was about to do it and i begged him not do i really did but he wasn’t listening.
has anyone else gone through something like this where their s/o tried to kill them self? i’m feeling all sorts of things. everyone is saying that i saves him but now i feel like i don’t deserve to be forgiven. i just wanted him to be safe. he was going to kill himself.
and i didn’t see that he posted here until just now. if only i had seen it a little earlier. i will never forget that i missed something so important.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Is there a psychological term for anxiety based on geo politics? I know It's strange I am afraid of a war that's not really there lol.
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self.Anxiety
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I'm jealous that girls can seemingly cry at will [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I (16M) forgot my Sertraline dose last night. I’m on 150mg and I have been for >2 years. Today I have felt extremely dizzy all day. Could this be related? As titled. I know that I’m on a very high dose for my age. But it’s as prescribed by a psychiatrist. I’ve had a shitty day today. But I’ve been really, really dizzy. In over two years I haven’t ever missed a dose. I genuinely forgot last night. Are these two things related? Should I be worried at all? Is there anything I can do if this happens again in the future?
Edit: it should be clear that I’m on Sertraline for depression, not OCD. but y’know.. just clarifying.
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self.depression
|
Does the pain ever stop? I tried reaching out for help but all I got was ridicule and mockery from the only person I trusted, who's family.
I guess I never mattered. I don't know who to trust anymore, I don't even trust myself. My life is such a fucking mess.
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self.depression
|
I am afraid to ask for help that I will be physically prevented from doing it. I always think about it, all the time. I have never asked for help and I try to keep it a secret in fear of being prevented. I don't live in the US; suicide is really misunderstood here. if people knew, even my doctor, they will panic and treat me like a lunatic. I don't know what to do!
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm sick, that's why i want to die I have a condition called OI. You ever watch spongebob? That charater with glass bones and a heart of paper? That condion is real and it's hell. It killed my mom. She had to have surgery, but her flesh was so weak that they couldn't do anything but tear her blood vessles.
I feel like a burden. To society and ti my family. I am better off dead and I'd rather die by my hands than let this disease contribute to my death.
I am not afraid of dying. Years of constant pain taught me that. Even now as i type, my fingers crack and ache. But i have to say theses things. I have planned to use a method that woukd destroy my body to avoid furneral costs. Seldom do i hear the impact the dead have on wallets.
Some part of me wants to live. For my friends and family moslty. I've tried squeezing joy out of what i can both here on reddit and irl, but it's like my mind is made.
I need to die before my conditon cripples me and ruins my family's life. We burried my mom, and i know it will hurt them, but it beats the alternative
But i wouldn't be here if i was truly lost right? I dunno i guess some sick part oc me thinks that this will help me. I don't know what i even expect strangers to do for me that a shrink can't, but i could be wrong. I hope im wrong.
I guess that's why I'm on suicide watch. A tiny hope that if i reach out I can stop myself from doing the right thing and removing a burden from the lives of my loved ones.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I fucked up bad Im on vacation with my family, we were on the 2018 party and we drank. My aunt and mom got drunk and i got a bit tipsy. I share a bed with my aunt and i got super horny and i took advantage of my aunt, i fingered her. She didnt say no or move out of the way but shes drunk and i feel like i raped her. I dont know what happened to me my hormones are out of control, as soon as i wasnt that horny anymore the reality hit me and i went to the bathroom. I dont know what to do rn im scared im just a teen and that wasnt me i cant go to sleep and i dont want to wake up tommorow help me please.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Hypomania- I like me a lot, but nobody likes me very much. Depression - I don’t like me much, but my wife can tolerate me. :)
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self.bipolar
|
I think its finally game over.. I've always loved playing games, either on my pc, playstation, old Terminator console when I was a kid. Then became a jock in school and playing games with girls, oh how immature I was... I became serious and started working, made a good living, but still couldn't stop playing games, so there comes gambling.. Lost all I had made, then I bounced right back up. Few years after it all came back, got in huge debt, legal problems that are still ongoing now, then try suicide ( failed miserably to be honest ). Tried starting off fresh, new place, new life. Found a nice girl that I promised the world to, of course I couldn't keep my promise, so I tried making more money, spend on giving her what she never had, and also continue paying my debts. It was never enough, so guess what, I started playing games again. All of a sudden I'm back where I was before, broke, alone and I can honestly say I'm done "playing games", I think its game over ..
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Anyone ever paralyzed by their anxiety? like, the anxiety just builds up inside of your stomach and you sit there just staring out the window knowing you have so many things to do; so many worries, fears, and just a general inertia to do anything productive. it's debilitating. heart racing a million miles an hour - so fast you can feel your entire body just pounding.
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self.Anxiety
|
I need to help my friend, this is urgent I have A very close friend of mine who i’ve known for well over a year now, ever since she started opening up to me i’ve tried to help her and i’ve tried to make her a happy person and months later i still dont know how to make that happen. She says i made her feel really happy at times but the sadness was always there and no matter how much that hurt me to hear i didnt react to it because i knew she would be hurt. I dont know how to help her more than what i already did, she battles md or mdd ( maladaptive daydreaming ) amongst many other issues that are deep seeded, family doesnt treat her well, constant sadness, she doesnt accept who she is as a person although she is the nicest and most kind hearted girl i’ve ever met. Please help me help her because i dont want to lose the only person that’s keeping me here and the only person i love, she means more to me than myself. I know this isnt descriptive enough but i hope anyone can help out, i’d appreciate it tons.
If not, thank you for reading
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self.SuicideWatch
|
So, the TV is talking to me now. I've had auditory hallucinations before, mostly just loud noises like something falling, or my name being yelled loudly as if by someone right behind me. That mostly went away with my current med cocktail.
Then I was making breakfast yesterday and watching the news, and while I made my husband pancakes, the tv (it was during the ads) began talking about pancakes. Like, "Look at these pancakes, delicious. Pancakes."
That's a new one. At least it's just benign statements of fact.
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self.bipolar
|
Guilty Spending everyday of my life reminded about how lucky i am for being born. Im a white 20year old male forced into middle class by my Dad who was born lower class and worked from the age of 16. Why should i feel guilty that he's worked so i can be secure? Apparently because now every achievement i make is inevitable due to the opportunities i have and therefore make them irrelevant.
How can i succeed after being born into 'success'?
Just feel guilty i was born me.
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self.depression
|
I just don't feel like doing anything Even my therapist won't give me a hug. I'm on a semester break from school and everything is just boring and pointless to me, even TV and videogames, which is generally all I do for fun.
Next week I'm back to school and the thought crushes me. There's nothing I wanna do less. I'm studying theatre to be a director/teacher, but for the life of me I don't see myself putting in the effort required for it. The worst part is I'm not even lacking natural talent in this, I just have zero willpower/discipline.
Studying anything else sounds even worse, and quitting altogether seems unthinkable. If a break drives me this low, what would dropping out do?
And I just feel so fucking lonely. I hung out with my cousin today, he loves me, I talked with my sister today, she actually seemed to not mind my company, and still, it all feels so fucking useless. Im almost 26 and I never had a girlfriend, never had sex obviously, never had anything beyond making out, and that was years ago. And that's another thing- I'm at least average looking, I can be funny and charming, and yet, evidently, for whatever reason, I am 100% unfuckable. Maybe it's because I never leave the house that I don't get to meet anyone, but I don't know where I would even go to meet a girl I could conceivably be compatible with. And I probably would screw that up too even if I did find one.
Anyway that's mostly a tangent. The main problem is that I don't want to go back to school, and I don't want to do anything else. And that's the same as not wanting to be alive. I wish I was capable of just ending myself.
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self.depression
|
I feel like I can't last any longer with these thoughts I don't think I have what it takes to continue in life. I'm not strong enough. I really want to talk to friendly people and be happy but I'm just not good enough for people and I'm too scared to take the first step.
I'm a 20 year old virgin. I don't care much about sex I just feel like It's too late for me to get into a nice relationship. The fact that people have been telling me inadvertently that, as a 20 year old, I have not had enough life experience is really making me feel like crap.
This is the main issue: For a while I was happy. I had one good friend, I liked to game and write and relax, and despite my not so great job I was OK with that and content with myself. I didn't want to change because I was happy, despite being not so great socially. However, I was looking into getting a relationship as I felt I wanted to try one, and so many men and women who have had experience tell me that I'm not good enough for a relationship because I don't have enough friends or get out enough. I might want to make online friends, but apparently I need more real life friends, which I don't want but will be forced to acquire if I don't want to be lonely forever. Also, I need to learn seduction skills and go out to practice flirting, when I just wanted to meet somebody online through shared interests but apparently I need to acquire difficult flirting and seduction skills which means talking to strangers at bars and clubs to get that, which I both hate and am not comfortable with.
So apparently the life I was happy with is not good enough for a relationship. I didn't want more friends or to go out once every other week or so, but to not be alone I have to be someone I'm not.
So I have the choice between having an unhappy stressful life with a relationship or a good life but being utterly alone? I want neither, so I think I will end it soon. Can any of you help me understand this and talk to me? I feel like talking to people who are nice and friendly may help me calm down and not make any rash decisions to end it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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How do I take the next step to understanding myself? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
It finally happened, I finally had a fight with my coworker and then got sent home from work early This coworker originally liked me but our patience with each other is wearing thin and today it all came to a head.
I work BOH at a fancyish restaurant (in terms of price, atmosphere, the amount of people coming in for birthdays etc. I would compare it to Benihana, but with a different cuisine). I typically work on the salad bar. During my shift there is one woman who works with me. About her:
* Since she is with me on salads, she has definitely not been working here longer than a year, and probably less than six months. I got here about a month ago.
* It's hard to tell how old she is because she's had work done, but she seems to be the oldest person in the kitchen with the possible exception of a few of the dishwashers. She's probably pushing 60.
* She is currently attending culinary school.
* She's not actually my boss or manager or any kind of authority figure, really. I have been generally taking orders from here for two reasons: 1) because she has more experience, but lately I've been gathering enough experience to know that sometimes she doesn't know what she's talking about, and 2) because the two of us are sort of cordoned off from the rest of the employees so it's the two of us together, so me going along with her makes it easier because it is impossible for us to just avoid each other.
* She is hypersensitive to perceived criticism. She has gotten in arguments with other BOH employees because she thought they were "talking shit about her" and saying she didn't know what she was talking about. Then she got into another fight with these two guys about how they lied to her and broke her trust because they told her she was supposed to do desserts. In both cases, the guys she was arguing with didn't even understand enough to realize that she was mad at them, in the former case because the dude didn't speak English well enough to understand, and in the latter because they didn't even think it was any reason to be upset at all.
* She doesn't make it obvious, but she keeps doing things that make it clear that she thinks I'm a moron. To be fair, I am a moron. But, like, for example, today I was washing the kale. In order to wash the kale, you have to fill the sink with water and disinfectant and then soak the kale in it. So obviously, the sink needs to be clean. I was rinsing the sink out with hot water (it was visibly full of gunk) and she reached over and turned the cold water on (so it was gushing tepid water) and said "we never use hot water for the kale". She didn't ask me what I was doing or anything, she just reached over and interfered. Little things like that.
* Generally, if I ask if I can help with something, she has lately taken to telling me not to do anything.
In all fairness, I genuinely think I am stupid and I sometimes have trouble understanding procedure at this place. I may not be much longer for this place tbh.
So the argument was that she told me to wash the lettuce (this is "prep", something that often has to be done, but is generally not time-sensitive and takes forever, so it's better done during slow periods--it also takes up an entire sink, and with only one sink available, it means we can't wash anything else or use any other bowls or drain anything). A crunch time came, and due to the aforementioned reasons I said, "I'll do the lettuce later" and she said, "no, do it now" when the manager came by and said "no prepping, just refill the salad bowls", whereupon my coworker evidently assumed this referred only to her? The issue is that my manager will come by once in a while, and say "do X", and then she will say "do Y" and I know I should do X, but she is there the whole time and the manager only comes by every so often, so I have to do Y. It's never any use telling her what the manager said, either.
Then I went into the fridge to fill the cucumber bowl. She noticed, took the cucumber out of the bowl, and threw it roughly so that at least some of it ended up on the ground. Then she said, "you can just fill in the cucumber bowl here in the fridge", and I rolled my eyes, and she asked me what my problem was. I tried to defuse the situation by acting like it wasn't her and I was just having a bad day (kinda true, last night my dad was drunk and he threw a towel at me and told me to go fuck myself, although we did eventually make up) and she said "that's not my problem".
I fumed a while and then complained that it didn't make any sense to have me do the prepping during a crunch time when we had a full container of cut and washed lettuce ready, and she said, "go check how full it is". I went in, checked, came back, and said, "it's fucking full" and she said "don't fucking swear at me."
Anyway, I really tried to keep myself under control, but I cried in front of the manager and that was when the manager told me to go home. She thought it was because I couldn't handle the stress of crunch time, but whatever, it's probably better to just be weak.
So that was my shitty week, which started with a different coworker, this older guy who always has this really nasty look on his face, grabbing me by both my upper arms for like five seconds and smelling my hair from behind.
**TL;DR: I should have been FOH, BOH is full of obnoxious old people**
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self.offmychest
|
Drank a little too much yesterday and accidentally spoke openly about my depression Prior to this, no one knew. Nothing was done. Now, people know and nothing is still being done. Besides the fact that I keep getting made fun of for being 'super Emo and depressed' lol
|
self.depression
|
Dad cheated on mom gotta do something fast I don't have much time to explain but basically my father was with an emotional relation with another chick for the last two years, and on my mom's birthday he was actually found that he cheated on my mom. He's apologized many times, and kept repeating the same actions, meeting the b*tch paying her money etc. he keeps saying he made a mistake and move on, and makes it again. I don't give a single f*ck about my bloody father's life anymore, the only person I care about is my mum. This has affected my mother's health a lot, and I'm not gonna stand it any longer. This has been going on for years now, and I'm 20, and capable of doing damage. I don't care about the consequences, I need to step in, otherwise my mother will die. I can't let that happen. I really wanna sort this out and get it done once and for all and leave no chances of him cheating on mum again, I really need advice on what I should do on this one.
Thank you for reading..
|
self.depression
|
Why do people care so much? I thought I could go on for a while by using stimulants, at least appear productive. But I was wrong.
So I took my bag, already packed with a rope and some identification documents, wrote a letter to my parents (the hardest thing I ever had to do), left my phone and went out. I had already picked a place, so I was heading there. I was half way there, when all of the sudden I heard a shout in the distance. It was my flat mate, apparently he heard me leaving and saw I left my room unlocked. He knows exactly what’s going on. There was no point in running from him, so I went back home with him. He tried talking to me, but I don’t feel like talking, I just want this to end. Why do people care so much? What selfish reason could he have for not letting me do the only thing that I can for myself? The world would be a better place if people just mind their own business.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I’m probably going to fail Anatomy and it’s all because no one ever picks me for a partner, and I’m too afraid to ask. So I’m 16, and in high school. I’m taking Anatomy and well, as I’m typing this, I’m the only one sitting at my desk, since no one wanted to be my partner for a lab. And labs are like 40-50% of the overall grade for this class. I want to cry. I’m so scared and I can’t do the lab by myself because it’s about nerves and the eyes and so on. I sometimes would be partners with this girl but she went to her friends (when we were supposed to just have 2 to a group, not 3) /: So I am alone, and my parents will probably yell at me when they see I got a 0 for this lab. The sad thing is that this always happens, I’m always alone and left out in schoolwork groups. I wish the teacher assigned us. And I’m not even close enough to the teacher to talk to her comfortably. I don’t even know why I’m posting this, just need to tell someone. I feel like no one ever wants to be my friend or talk to me because I’m me. :(
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self.Anxiety
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No one will probaly read my shitty poem bout my recent heart break [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Well, you had your fun, now back down into the deep dark void [deleted]
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self.depression
|
help! I sent my lecturer an incoherent ramble about my anxiety and how I've been unable to contact my group [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Brief moments of happiness are so fucking terrifying I'm just waiting for that hard smack back down to the ground
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self.depression
|
I’m 30, I’ve had MDD since age 5, how do I continue to hope that remission will ever happen for me? I’m a 30 year old American female. I was adopted before I was born and the parents that raised me had no idea of my birth mother’s mental condition which she has undoubtedly passed on to me. From age 5 into my 20’s I was misdiagnosed and treated for non-present symptoms/conditions through a number of psychologists, psychiatrists, inpatient, etc. Most of my inpatient experiences were fairly traumatizing and as one of the more ‘high functioning’ patients in comparison to others I’ve always felt overlooked as far as actual solutions for me in such group settings. I’m not willing to continue trying psychiatric medication due to having been through nearly every type and one now and seeing way more harm in the way of side effects both short and long term rather then relief of any symptom that it is not worth the risk to me by now. I’ve read often that genetic psychological issues can often go into remission if it’s earlier onset. I’m wondering if anyone out there has experienced actual remission from MDD naturally later in life like this? I’ve had other life experiences that have added to the struggle including more serious physical health issues and I’m having trouble seeing any reason for hope by now. Although I have suicidal thoughts quite often by now in life I have gotten used to it and I can rationally realize better then to act on such thoughts based on the outcome of those previous.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 💜
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self.depression
|
Depression feels comfortable + what's the point? I feel like the reason I find it hard to step out of my comfort zone and just kinda sink into depression is because it feels comfortable it's like a shitty home
but it's still home and you don't wanna leave because you fell you'll have nothing left.
Some days I'm ok with just doing fuck all then other days I'm ridiculed with self loathing, hopelessness and guilt. I would like to put myself out there but I always ask what's the point? It feels like so much effort and for what? I rather just relax and chill but I feel like I'm heading nowhere. The concept of slaving for the weekend then rinse repeat is a concept that baffles me. People don't really want to help you they want to seem like they want to help but why would anyone want to help when they got there own shit going on. I'm just kinda rambling at the moment just wanted to get some stuff of my chest
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self.depression
|
Just so tired. It happens slowly, the ambition and youthful exuberance that once burned like a fire dimishes day by day. Hopes and dreams clear themselves like the mirages they are, revealing the reality they so pathetically concealed.
Now just embers, a meager flame with no heat. The energy has dissipated, the fuel is gone, there is no going back.
It'a time to put the fire out.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Constant Suicidal Thoughts? Hello all. To start, I guess I will tell a bit about myself. I’m a 15 year old guy, and as you can tell by the fact that I’m on this subreddit and the title of my post - I’m suicidal. Constantly.
It’s at the point that literally a tiny thing will make me cry. See a dog that looks like the one I had as a child that passed away, I’m in tears straight away. Smell a certain thing? Cry. Sometimes I’ll try to talk and I’ll just burst into tears.
This has been something going on for the past few years, honestly. But before I coped by self harming. Back then it was an everyday thing. I have since cut down on it, but that has seemed to worsen everything. Honestly, self harm seems to be the only thing that helps at all.
I feel like I can’t go to my family for help, especially not my dad. My mom is a bit better with trying to help me out but talking about things doesn’t help anymore. I also hate bothering people with it.
Another thing is, I don’t even know why it’s like this. Like, it seems to have no trigger. It’s odd.
I would ask my parents to get me into a facility of some sorts, but our insurance won’t allow that to happen, apparently.
I guess I want some advice on how to cope with this? Maybe some animal videos/pictures, memes, and anything that I can look at to lift my spirits a bit?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anybody else like to cook or bake? Want to pick out a recipe each week and we'll try it? My therapist reminded me that baking helped me out of my last large bout of depression so I figured I'd try it again. I made lace cookies last week and going to make cheese crackers today.
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self.depression
|
I hate how much I want you, how much I love you. We have had yet another argument bc you failed to keep your word. Yet again, it’s my fault for being so emotional and demanding.
We made an agreement, to have a nightly phone call and talk about everything. You told me to be completely honest with you, to tell you everything. Why? Bc we are best friends.
Today, you admitted to me that you haven’t been honest with me and that you hold things back and hide things from me. How can you ask me to do these things and then get upset when I’m hurt and emotional? How am I always in the wrong?
I know I have issues to work through, especially anger management issues, but how is everything my fault?
When we lived together I would try to leave the situation and you’d try to make me stay and talk. Now? You hang up or threaten to hang up when I get too emotional and make you upset. How is that fair? I try to point it out to you but then you tell me to stop bringing up the past.
Then you told me not to open your mail that comes to this house... yet you would open many envelopes that had nothing to do with you. How is that right?
You say you don’t have to do anything for me bc we aren’t together anymore... yet you make me feel bad when I say I want space and tell you that maybe our calls aren’t a good idea since you can’t keep your word. I don’t want to keep crying about this or you anymore.
The plan you would keep repeating to me is: I’m gonna get a job. I’m gonna save up. I’m gonna get a place and call you so you can move down here with me.
I foolishly believe you.... I should know better, it’s so difficult for you to keep your word in regards to me. You’ve shown this to me time and time again.
But I’m the one with all the problems to work through, it’s always me, you have such a difficult time seeing how hypocritical and deceitful this makes you seem. You fail to see how much this hurts me and how much emotion means to me. It started with the emotional cheating (3 occasions) and it took the 3rd time for you to realize that this form of cheating hurts me.
I ask you to keep your word but you struggle to do so. You reached out to so many girls when we were together but now that I need you and we are apart you can’t be bothered to just tell me you’re busy and can’t make our phone call.
All I wanted was consistency, I ask that of all my friends.
You wanted to be friends, best friends, but I can’t be friends with someone that fails to see how much they are hurting me and then proceed to blame me and then try to walk away.
I hate how much I love you and want you, you don’t deserve my love and kindness. Especially when you remind me you don’t owe me anything and make demands when you see fit. I don’t want you to tell me you love me or miss me when you always blame me for our problems, I’m too emotional, I’m mean, I’m accusatory, I’m angry.
I have every right to be these things and you’ve known how I am. We were together for 2 years. I have to accept you for who you are but you cannot accept me... you refuse. You constantly tell me I NEED help, I NEED counseling. (I do, but it’s not all on me.)
I wish you could see how you make me feel. I wish I could talk to you, but it leads to an argument every time and I’m always in the wrong.
How is this love? How is this healthy?
Why do I still want and love you?
Why do you tell me you need me?
Why are we doing this?
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self.offmychest
|
Does anyone have any tips for keeping a clear head and staying concentrated whilst anxious? I just got back from a school performance thing and fucked up both the songs I had to play because l was so spaced out. I can't even play in front of my bass teacher without screwing it up
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self.Anxiety
|
I love my parents but they shame me, how do I stay somewhat sane till I can get out? I love them, I do but as they've gotten older mom all out mean, negative I used to look up to her and considered her my best friend and my dad is naive, doesn't care about anything anymore and doesn't follow social cues at all... he used to have a hood to him like TI, Allen Iverson type, wore jerseys, nice clothes and got me pumped watching games on tv I lost my passion a bit few years ago when he got grumpier, lazy and don't have anybody to hang out with like he was.you can't force it because it came natural and no matter how he tries, he's not fun to be around.I don't fit anymore and they won't help me get my physical confidence back to go to school, look for work etc.. they act like it's nothing.. how to not get too down and remain as optimistic as I can
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self.Anxiety
|
I was fired from my first part time job today. I'm 19, I have never worked a day in my life, even at home I'm pampered. I almost never do chores.
My parents, especially my dad is protective of me, because I have generalized anxiety disorder. In the past, I was so stressed out that I skipped school for a whole year and went 2 days a week for the next few years ever since I was 10.
My goal was to make it till the end of the year.I started around mid September. I was 3 months+in. Twas Only a few more days, I feel like a failure. No one believed in me. Only my best friend. Even my mom didn't believe in me.
Reasons for getting fired were cause I 'stole' from the company when I ate food. Warned a few times, even got a warning letter. It was a newly implemented rule when 4 out of 6 of my batch left.
So, 2 days ago, waffle was ruined, wanted to bring it home to mom, thought of how she said that there weren't enough chocolate in it last time;
Halfway through I realize I'm putting too much, I said what the heck and continued. Supervisor was in close proximity, she came inside and said that it's 'best' if we don't Bring any food home. Saw the waffle while the syrup dripped, and of course, was pissed. She said I put too much, that I didn't ask, that I'm not the owner. I get it. It was my fault. Said I didn't learn from my mistakes even after the last warning letter.
That was the final straw, I got fired. I know I shouldn't blame it or even mention others but they were sneaking food in too. Did they pretend not to see it?
I admit, I'm not a very ideal worker. I'm anxious all the time, I'm very loud and obnoxious, I spurt shit out of my ass without thinking. I spill stuffs. I break things.
Others include not cleaning up properly, playing phone too much, (i understand that you're not supposed to use it at all, even if they did say that after finishing your job that you can), sitting down in customers' seats, sloppy attire(my fault) and entitlement.
Once, i was so panicky that I broke a glass during rush hour, and in that moment of panic, decided to get rid of the evidence by burying it in the trash, except I left shreds in the sink, and that the cctv was recording my every move.
I felt so, so guilty because if the perpetrator doesn't fess up by this hour, everyone else gets a deduction in salary. I fessed up and had a panic attack. Hindsight is 20/20 I should've just saved everyone the trouble and fessed up but I panicked. I panicked..
I know I can't blame everything on my anxiety, but I can't deny that's it's part of me. My life revolves around it. I hate it. Control your emotions, they said. Don't be so impulsive, they said. Don't be so anxious, they said.
If I could just get over my anxiety I would've done so a decade ago. I would've stopped taking my antidepressants ages ago.
They think people who commit suicide are stupid regardless if said people has had/having help or not. I don't think they even acknowledge it as a real thing.
I feel like they're so unfair. The boss always says we're unprofessional. Mutual respect and shit. That he's older, more mature. But the things he says does not align with the things he does.
He makes innaporiate jokes, I don't care if you want to be a friendly boss, keep the sexual jokes in the bedroom. I'm still your employee, a girl at that.
They're in their very early 20s. Fresh graduates. First time owners.
They call me dumb, slow, incompetent, stupid, useless, all the time. He has said that he's better off investing in another worker, that he should've listened to his gut and not hire me in the first place.
I feel like I was always on the blacklist because I'm such a horrible worker. You've only heard my side of the story and not theirs, I totally get that, but I feel like a terrible person right now. I really am trying my best, I've been on break from college for about 17 months and going back soon.
I have been called ugly, fat, rude, but never stupid. I always took pride in my grades (which I 1000% know are irrelevant when you're working....) I even started to believe that I am dumb at one point. Because they are really smart in terms of grades and 'real life intelligence'. It really took a huge toll on my self esteem and self perception. It was debilitating.
He has said many times that i would never be able to hold down a job if I worked at other places. That I would never survive in a huge city. That people who can't handle the stressors of the big city life are never gonna be rich and successful. And that everyone who lives in the city is rich.
She said that with my tactless personality I would get boycotted to the point that I would hang myself. That really pissed the flying fuck outta me.
Who are these people to pass conviction and verdict on me like they're professionals or close loved ones?
What a terrific Christmas present.
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self.offmychest
|
I don’t feel like I’m good enough or smart enough and I have really big insecurity issues and it affects my depression a lot and things were going really good for a few months but now I’m slipping back and I can’t believe my boyfriend when he tells me he loves me even though he says it every minute.
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self.depression
|
I smell like eggs I bake sometimes when I'm having a really bad day. I did yesterday and some of the egg yolk dripped on my dress and It made me feel so useless that I can't even do one thing properly and I don't know why I'm obsessing over this little thing but I just feel so bad and also, I think I shouldn't bother anyone. I'm sorry fellow redditors I'm nothing but a waste and I'm just wasting your internet if you're reading this
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self.depression
|
I can't believe how many times I've been so close to getting out of depression, then self destructing and being right back at square one Numerous times I have been weeks clean of drugs starting to truly feel better, think clearer and be more Myself, only to go back to using opioids/benzos and sitting in my bed again
Numerous times I have started working out 3-5 times week and eating healthy, only to go back to fast food everyday and sitting there everyday
Numerous times I have regularly forced myself in social situations and was able to enjoy them enough, only to go back to sitting there.
I just can't believe now many times I have done this. It really does make me feel like such a loser to know I had the intuition and had willpower, the heart and all the intangibles needed to beat depression/anxiety, then to be back at square one feeling fried, defeated, memory loss and all the bullshit. It's like I enjoy the suffering in some twisted way
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self.depression
|
Hi guys, never posted on here before. Help pls I guess backstory first; I’m a 24 year old teacher from Canada, living in China as a teacher and manager of an English training school. I’ve been dealing with depression and fairly incapacitating anxiety attacks since I was maybe 14 or 15.
Recently my “thing that I do” when I have an attack has stopped working. I used to be able to put in music and go for a walk and be fine in 20 minutes or so, but throughout the past month or so, I’ve been able to do nothing but hide and cry until it’s over.
I need new advice, new ways to get myself through attacks without having them completely prevent me from doing my job.
Unfortunately the culture here is less than understanding of these types of issues among men, which makes it more difficult for me to get away with taking chunks out of my day to calm down.... Any suggestions/ideas/things that work for you would be super appreciated.
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self.Anxiety
|
I have no clue what I am doing In my life. I have had such a terrible year. I remember a year ago (when I met my current beau) I was in such a good place. It was the absolute best time for us to meet because I was in such a great place mentally, physically, and on the uptake emotionally. I wasn't drinking at all in fact I told him I didn't drink (as I am coming off of such a long bender that I don't remember when I was last sober).
I have been off my meds for over a month now (I am not medicated in any capacity for anything right now because I no longer have a psychiatrist). I am a complete and thorough mess. I haven't been working, I have been drinking. I quit working on my masters degree at the beginning of the year because I needed to take some time to work on myself (and I am so close to finishing which is such a great feeling but also a terrifying prospect). It has been a year of regression.
I don't think anyone except my best friend knows how bad of shape I am in, and she is going back to her city on Sunday. She gave me a healthy dose of reality yesterday morning and I put down the bottle. It's hitting me so hard.
What do you guys do when you are incapable of picking yourself up and functioning? I gotta do something else because what I have been doing is spectacularly failing. I need help.
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self.bipolar
|
Dad Was My Hero. He beat me to it. Bipolar has stolen everything I used to love: My dad, Wife, Job, House. My dad took his life in December of 2015 and with the current path and direction I'm on I feel like I'm next. I'm only alive because I promised my mom i wouldn't do it myself.
Dad was undiagnosed bipolar. I'm diagnosed with treatment-resistant depression. Everyone only cares about when I'm manic. Bipolar has taken everything I cared about and loved. I feel like I'm just waiting to die. No direction no friends no one to talk. I'm stuck and lost.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
worst case scenerio today was my first appointment with a new psychiatrist, it was suppose to be an hour long, and i had therapy beforehand, so that drive me extra crazy. long story short as i was leaving therapy the therapist asked what my worst case scenerio would be and i said "getting prozac.... o rprozac and an antipsychotic/atypical antipsychotic", i was given a higher dose of prozac after being told she would give me ativan, i said i wanted to try kkolonopin and then all the benzos were off the table, my appointment was suppose to be an hour and lasted maybe 20 minutes, so i call the last psychiatrist ill give a shot before i get myself off all medication, and stop therapy because at least as a drunk i didnt hide all the time. i dont need a hug, or any advice, i just foolishly got my hopes up only to have them dashed, and be told to come back next week(i pay out of pocket so basically i paid 125 for 20 minutes and a script i had 3 refills on still) also due to a shceduling error i had to have a short appointment not the other 2 people who over lapped me. i think im just going to pay 125 to call her a cunt next week to her face.
|
self.Anxiety
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What’s the point of coming up if you’re gonna go down? I moved to a new city with the love of my life after 5 years of loving him. I was ready to propose, I looked at rings, I called jewelers. I debated getting a ring of meteorite, you know? He’s super nerdy, super cute. Science geek and all. I’d like to think every guy buying rings thinks about the meteorite ring haha.
Then he tells me that he feels like a she. I loved her no matter what. I told her I still loved her and that she’s going to be one of the most beautiful girls ever. I still planned to propose. I loved her more that she’s her true self.
Then my heart gets broken. She tells me that she can’t see a future with me together. She tells me that she’s only interested in women. There wasn’t much for me to do but respect her true feelings. I couldn’t force her to love me. For a few weeks I lost my best-friend and my future.
We still lived together, music helped, weed helped. I made friends. I tried to be happy, and for a little I think I really was okay. But it was so stormy, one tip of the scale and I was back to being broken.
Then I find out that she’s seeing other guys. My heart was gone, the only feeling is that feeling when your heart drops to your stomach. It’s a little harder to swallow, did life get harder? Did she make it easier? I don’t know. I wasn’t good enough for her. She says otherwise. I know she means the best for me with her heart but man, did it hurt the same.
I ask her to give me time, as a roommate, as a past lover, give me time to heal before you see someone. Please, just give me some time to heal.
But she couldn’t wait. I don’t blame her, she’s discovering herself. She’s beautiful. I never had a chance. There are better men for her. I’m broken, the pieces stomped on.
I try. I go to work. I exercise. I eat healthy. I tell myself “improve for yourself and no one else”. It’s a lie.
Life seems to drag on, I try to smile, I miss my best friend. I try to act like everything’s alright to her. She can’t be seeing me like this, it hurts her too.
I meet a guy. He’s cute, a little simple, but cute. We start to hang out, workout together even. He takes me to some of the most beautiful places, I try to swallow my doubt and bring my heart back. Somedays, I could swallow just fine around him.
When I was sure I was ready, I told him. It was too late. I took too long.
I was just dead. I made plans, wrote good bye letters, planned that my little siblings would get what money I had left. I know it’s selfish, I know it can get better. I even tried to find a program that sends emails at a certain time so everyone could get a good nights sleep before they received my letter.
I couldn’t do it. I stood on the edge of a bridge, the edge of a cliff, wore my favorite clothes. Listened to my favorite songs. Every time I couldn’t do it. You never think of it as someone being brave. But I was scared, I couldn’t imagine how anyone took that step off, pulled the trigger, kicked the chair. They had to be brave.
And now, I’m back. I’m ready to kick the chair, I’m ready to pull the trigger, I’m ready to jump.
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self.depression
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Can I stop being blamed? I just started one cup of noodles out of the new package of cup of noodles. I grab one and cook it, then I start eating it, brother comes around asking me if it was spicy, I said no I got the other one. Then mom over hears and suddenly says "Don't eat all of the food that will last us a week!" I told her this is my first cup of noodles. She just continues "Go ahead! Eat up all our food in one day!" At this point I lost my appetite. My brother already had 3 cups today. So anyone willing to kill me? :)
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self.depression
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