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Do you have phases? I do. I've noticed a structure and pattern of my phases as it relates to my level of brain activity from depression to hypomania. I hope sharing this will clarify these cycles for others. I have a lot of phases of interest. Sometimes they reoccur, sometimes they're one-offs. It's frustrating to be passionate about something, and then stop. But I know it's because my moods change.
I've come to some observations about my phases and even have a little theory about them, although it may just be limited to my case. Here's the theory:
My phases fall into four categories. At the lowest level, there is basic pleasures. Some basic pleasures I've had are baseball, harry potter, and Disney movies. Next there is high pleasure: e.g., classical music, jazz music, and Shakespeare. Then I have phases of personal development: losing weight, learning musical skills, learning Spanish. Finally I have the highest order of phases where I have a sense of duty: I've become vegan and buddhist out of this level.
I feel like these phases accord to a particular level of brain activity, from low to high. I think everyone falls somewhere on this dimension at a given moment. I also think healthy people have a smaller average range of categories of particular interest: some people skew basic to high, some high to personal development, some just are adept at acting on a sense of duty.
At least in my case, I run the full gamut. At a depressed level, I have basic interests (at a certain level of depression one my have NO interest, but I don't get that low). At a hypomanic level, I have a grandiose sense of duty. However, I feel like I have a natural balance. I feel like I have an ideal scope like anyone else, but I have no balance of brain activity. I feel at my "most me" when I am at a mix of high pleasure and personal development.
I've also noticed a pattern of logical progression from disordered to ordered interest in my life. Say I start at my healthy level: high–deveopment. When I approach a sense of runaway personal development, I become grandiose about that development. Then I may achieve a personal sense of duty to apply that development. Of course, my deveopment only goes so far, and my sense of duty goes farther, so I burn out. Then in a depressed mode, I land in basic pleasure. With higher mood after building basic pleasures, I "grade them up" to high pleasures, from which point I have more confidence in my ability to develop related skills. The cycle restarts.
This is very interesting to me, but all I've really done is describe a pattern of disordered mood change in terms of its effects on human interest and concern, and apply conceptions of general human interests and concern in doing so.
But I actually think I have a lifestyle tip for myself based on this theory. I'm at the high level of the personal development stage right now, and could approach an abnormal sense of duty. First of all, by recognizing this generalized progression, I can catch any slip ups early, and so can my support circle. But what really interests me is how I can adjust my personal development habits toward a more healthy progression.
Right now my personal development topic is math. Math is an extremely broad topic in terms of range of difficulty and scope. I could get frustrated with basic algebra, or I could obsess over an unsolved problem way out of my league. But I think about another personal development habit I had: weight loss.
When I lost weight, it was a development of daily regiment, one where I ate a little less every day and gradually lost weight. Normally, I have a seasonal peak of hypomania where I have that grandiose duty. After the regimented challenge of losing weight became difficult, I went to a modestly, fairly euthymic basic pleasure. The nature of the challenge didn't involve runaway progress because of how structured it was.
Applying that lesson to my math development, I could continue to over stress myself with difficult problems, or I could make it a daily grind. I could even get a tutor to make sure I stay on a good track. Perhaps I wouldn't have to go to a toxic level of stimulation and go hypomanic, and just cool off, adding a daily practice to my life.
Thinking this way has opened up some different options about how to deal with my moods, as well as who I really am. I see my doctor tomorrow, and I look forward to discussing these ideas with him.
---
Note about "high" and "low" pleasures: I didn't mean to call anyone's hobby "high" or "low". I think it's completely relative. I think something high for me could be low for someone else. I strongly believe whether a pleasure is high or low, at least in a mental health context, depends on the kind of enjoyment one gets out of it. It's something one can really know if one really asks themselves and is honest.
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self.bipolar
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I'm so sick of people saying "just talk to someone" [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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This odd feeling I get Hello I am new to here and need some help. So I don’t know if it’s my anxiety or not but I was wondering if this feeling happens to people too. It’s like an emptiness that just randomly creeps up on me. It’s not a sadness but more of an indifference towards everything and I takes around an hour to go away. It’s so awful and makes me feel so gross and I don’t know how to get rid of it. Any tips tricks and opinions would be so greatly appreciated
|
self.Anxiety
|
Sorry that I can't be around your family 24/7 I hate that I have to see your family so much. Yes, it sucks that mine is 1000+ miles away and my mom is dying of early onset Alzheimer's. I hate it and I'm sad and it sucks that I can't be there for her. Instead, I have to see your family, not just once a week but sometimes twice because your parents are divorced and you "need to keep things even."
I'm sorry that I'm sometimes too selfish that I don't want to go over to your mother's when she's dealing with injuries from a fall. You're a good son to go over there and help her for hours but I'm not her kid! I'm not her daughter-in-law (yet) and I'm sorry that I don't want to go over there and help her pay her bills or clean her house! I'd rather be helping my own mom to be honest but I can't!
I'm selfish and horrible and I know you feel like you're alone and not supported but I feel like that 24/7. I'm 1000+ miles away from friends and family. I have nothing here and you grew up here, went to college here, and you know nothing BUT HERE. I feel alone 24/7 so WHAT.EVER. I'm just so tired of it. I wish you'd understand that your family is YOUR family and they're not MY family - no matter what happens, if we get married, have kids, whatever. It's NOT THE SAME.
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self.offmychest
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Going to the doctor tomorrow. I'm scared. Three weeks ago I started having intermittent pain in my right ovary. I went to a walk in clinic, they said it's probably a cyst but to visit my normal doctor if it still is bothering me. It still is.
I'm going to the doctor tomorrow, or rather, his NP, and I'm really hoping she doesn't tell me I have ovarian tumor. My health anxiety is always horrible, but now that is actually has a reason to be afraid it's been terrible.
To top it off i have a terrible needle phobia, so if she wants a blood draw I'm going to be a terrible mess.
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self.Anxiety
|
I like my life now. There's hope. Today I had a one month follow up interview at work to see how I'm fitting in. Today my mom told me she appreciates how much I've been doing. It's really the same stuff I had been doing before I got a job, but I'm getting things done around the house on top of working full time. I wish my dad could see this. I think he knew it would happen though.
I've looked forward to this for 5 years. Often thought it was impossible. I have a good full time job that's going to get me health insurance of my own in another month.
I come home every day and am able to get stoned as fuck without getting psychotic or impairing my work the next day, although most days I'm having a well controlled "just a little." And my state is fast moving towards legalizing it recreationally or at least decriminalizing it if the less likely candidate wins.
My meds are working, I'm able to save 2/3 of my paychecks right now, I'm investing for the first time, I'm paying for my expenses and helping out in ways I never could've when depression crippled me, and my workplace just extended the casual dress code indefinitely.
I'm lonely and don't have a lot of time to enjoy things, but I'm basking in feeling like my life is finally coming together after a decade of barely being employed and nearly going on disability.
This isn't meant to gloat or rub it in for people who are struggling. Quite the opposite. I'll admit I feel compelled to share how happy I am about it, but I wanted to tell those of you who are where I was one, three, seven, or ten years ago that it's possible. That you can go from withdrawing from college and doing ECT for the psychotic depression where you accuse your friends and family of awful things and become dumb as dirt to hallucinating all day and in every dream to self pity and crippling fear of job applications and wallowing in bottles to thriving. You can say fuck you to this disability. It often sucked getting here, but I'm glad I didn't kill myself. Have hope. Just because the journey is long and painful doesn't mean it won't go where you want it to.
-------------------
#[I am fuck-you-depression and so can you.](http://www.doylepartners.com/files/styles/thumbnail/public/Colbert5b.jpg?itok=iRnyT7mD)
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self.bipolar
|
I just feel like giving up, it’s like I am constantly going against the grain. I’m writing this walking home.
I tried to go to help me from failing statistics.
I went to the wrong building, I realized I forgot to take out money, I walked 15 minutes back to an atm.
Took out money, went back couldn’t find the building, and I am nearly an hour late.
It’s not like I don’t try, it just feels like everything goes wrong.
I’m not even talking about catching a break.
I’m just looking for anything where the odds are not stacked against me.
It’s really making me I am doing something wrong, it’s like every sign is trying to send me in a different direction.
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self.offmychest
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Afraid to go to the dentist So I'm just afraid they're going to say I have a disease of some sort or them just going ballistic on my teeth
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self.Anxiety
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friend has been my rock, gift ideas to say thank you. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I am pretty sure that all it takes to cure my depression is a few good friends and for everyone to stop hating me. Too bad i am too much of a piece of shit for anyone to actually like me.
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self.depression
|
it hurts everytime i close my eyes. i left my abusive family a few months ago, and now i miss them so much it burns in my soul drains me and gives me bad thoughts, i miss my siblings and love them but the abuse was so much and if i go back it will only get worse. im slowly becoming,numb.
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self.depression
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Life is a burden There's nothing I enjoy about being alive. Every day is worst than the last one. I used to be hopeful about the future but I've been let down so many times by the events that unfolded, that I don't care anymore. Nothing ever gets better even if I push myself to make the changes. Most of the times when faced with a decision I always make retarded choices and sadly I can't go back in time to fix them. I'm only 20 years old and already too tired to keep going. My only friend used to be my dog but I left him for a stupid trip overseas. I have been suicidal ever since I was 12 years old and it never got better after that. I'm ready to buy some coal to burn and die of carbon monoxide poisoning.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I really feel like the universe is actively pushing me to resort to suicide. I don’t see where and how it isn’t. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I think I am gonna do it I feel so broken and down and beat. I called the help hotline and it didn't make me feel any better. I am just so frustrated with my life. I'm sorry all
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self.SuicideWatch
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“That’s an irrational thing to worry about!” “Oh I realize, your point is?”
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self.Anxiety
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The selfies issue. The negative thing about the selfie spam is that it creates an unhealthy "what about me" dynamic.
A pretty girl/guy posts a selfie, gets massive ammount of upvotes. An insecure person notices this, and also posts a selfie, but gets considereably less upvotes, or gets downvoted, and ends up writting another post that goes something like "i posted a selfie, but it didn't get a lot of likes - you guys think i'm ugly :(" etc.
It makes insecure people feel more insecure, it makes people who don't want to participate in this feel like assholes for appearing like they're trying to bring others down while they're just trying to preserve what this sub is all about. It creates a divide and drama that doesn't belong on a sub dedicated to a mental illness.
There are so many websites and subs where you can spam your face, but very few ones where people with Bipolar can talk about their issues without being overshadowed, misunderstood or misjudged.
Imo, let's take a step back, and keep this place a place for Bipolar related issues :).
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self.bipolar
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Does getting dirty looks/stared at everywhere you go mean you’re ugly? Apologies if this isn’t the right place to post a question like this, but every time i go outside for a walk i always tend to get stared at a lot by people driving past me, when i walk through college the other students will stare at me, i really get so depressed about this cuz im constantly every day remembering all the stares i get and wondering if its because i’m ugly, the stares are usually from other guys/men which makes this a whole lot stranger, i just fucking want to know why it’s happening because it’s absolutely destroying any drop of confidence i have of myself.
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self.depression
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If something scares you, should you do it? (Fear of driving over bridges) Something came up that would have me driving from Miami to Key West next week. But i'm freaking out about it. The whole 7 mile bridge thing has freaked me the fuck out for a while now.
I've been non-stop crying over this and it's obviously because i'm scared. Does that mean I should push myself and do it? I think I can do it (with medication of course lol)
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self.Anxiety
|
My brother felt like I gave him a “cheap” gift and yelled and stormed out while I cried. (Long)
Background: I’m 29, he’s 27. We’ve never had a fight and have always gotten along, granted we haven’t been super close. We’ll see each other when I visit Home or text occasionally.
This has been a rough year for me and my family. I’m going through a divorce, moved to a different state and have been unemployed since October. (Although I have two interviews on Thursday!).
Our family has more than our fair share of mental health problems. I have severe depression and have been struggling to hold it together, although I’m the type to hide it from everyone and pretend that everything is fine. I’m the type that always has to make everyone else happy (even though I know that’s impossible), and can’t handle the thought of someone being upset with me. When I can’t do that anymore I deactivate and hide to shield society from my utter lack of resemblance to a human.
My father is an alcoholic that has been sober for 4 years after a suicide attempt, he has severe depression, I suspect he’s gambling online.
My brother has auditory processing disorder. Despite this he is a normally functioning adult with social anxiety. He’s had a job with the same company for over 10 years. He lives with my parents. Since our grandfather died at the end of 2016 he’s become increasingly hypochondriac and paranoid. He texts me nonstop about what disease he thinks he has that day. He’s been through partial hospitalization due to my pushing him to go and now has a psychiatrist.
When he first started having anxiety, I was very supportive, but it eventually became very overwhelming with the 24/7 messages of panic and the expectation that I would fix it all. My family was so wrapped up in what was going on with him, and I’m so good at not asking for help, that they leaned on me for support. My father would vent to me about my mother and my brother and my mother would vent to me about them.
I know that it is obvious he has difficulty communicating his feelings and is reacting to a variety of stressors, but we have never ever been anything but kind to each other.
So anyway, I visit Home on New Years Eve after driving 9 hours, and have a horrible cold and sinus infection (also a UTI but is that telling too much? Oh well, offmychest). So I feel like a heap of mental and physics garbage. I don’t have any money this year but I love giving gifts. I love picking those little things out. So for him I gave him some British candy I thought he would really like (I’ve traveled a lot), and sketched and painted a watercolor of some of his favorite things, I was sure that he would absolutely love it.
Well he didn’t.
He gave me a copy of Final Fantasy X/X-2 for ps4 which I wholeheartedly thanked him for. But after he opened his gift he started complaining about how I got him “cheap things.” He got increasingly louder and said “this is why I hate giving Christmas gifts.” And kept repeating “she only got me cheap things.” This was incredibly hurtful because of the time I spent on his gift and I calmly told him so. He continues to be angry and get louder and louder and this lasted quite a while. I cried but could not rationalize with him and ended up telling him to leave. I then proceeded to cry in bed for hours.
I know I should think, “well he’s going through a hard time and didn’t mean it,” Or “there is probably something else going on that he’s reacting to,” or “he has trouble communicating his thoughts sometimes.” But I also find it no excuse for being cruel.
Maybe it doesn’t sound like a big deal and that I should brush it off considering his mental health, but even my mother said: “I cannot continue to make excuses for his behavior.” He’s had angry outbursts towards them but this was my first time experiencing it.
I’m overwhelmed. I’m hurt and I feel lost. Is it okay for someone to yell and scream and hate your gift because they are going through a hard time?
Im tired of being my family’s support system, I don’t think it’s appropriate to be the one they use for therapy (I’ve since explained this to my mother). I would never scream at anyone, I always take other people’s feelings into consideration, but I understand not everyone does. I guess part of it is that I hate that I upset him and it feels like all my efforts were not enough.
I understand rationally he is going through a hard time and I should excuse his behavior, I understand rationally that I should ask for help when I need it (I’m on medication and have seen a therapist). But I am am emotionally fatigued. I ran out of spoons a long time ago.
(Other things going on: My basement flooded back home due to a well intended friend trying to fill my boiler and then not turning off the water. My landlord had to send someone to deal with it at 10 pm on New Years Eve (he’s already a huge dick that tries to scam people out of money). The heat is off and there is a cold kitty there. My amazing neighbor brought over space heaters and checked on her (she’s okay!). I’m also dying of embarrassment inside because she checked the radiators in every room and I’m 99% sure she saw the rope, chain and BDSM stuff on my bed.)
I’m not necessarily looking for advice. I’ll get dressed, have some hot tea, rock my interviews on Thursday and keep taking my meds. I’ll understand that it’s not personal, and I’ll accept an apology if he is ever willing to give one. But am done providing thankless constant moral support.
I just needed to get this off my chest. And if anyone actually reads this far, thanks for reading!
Edit: now I’m panicking worried that I’m selfish for making this post, I know it’s just anxiety
TL;DR: My adult brother gave me a $30 video game for Christmas, I gave him chocolate and sweets and a watercolor painting I did for him. He screamed at me for getting him “cheap stuff” and I cried while he stormed out.
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self.offmychest
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Not doing well, in a mixed state and cant tell if things are ok or not. [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I get embarrassed when my siblings talk in AAVE/Ebonics in public I don't have any Racist opinions either against other races or against my own. We have lived in a mostly white area for the last three years, and I have had trouble fitting in no matter where I was. Black and White people reject me just the same, as well as other races. I want the few friends I have now to see me as intelligent and I hate having to answer questions like why my brothers sound so ratchet. My brothers are not ignorant, it is just how they like to talk. I am 14 so if you are going to call me stupid for feeling this way do it in a nice way please and thank you.
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self.offmychest
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There is an owl There is an owl outside of me window.. I can hear it. It has been there for awhile now.. The reason i say that is because its one of your favorite animals... I said an owl is a spirit animal, while mine was a wolf... That owl just wont go away.... Like the memories of you, but i dont want to forget you you ment alot i love you...
Ps if you see this just know i love you and im not mad. You cut off contact with me even though it really hurts,
I love you both
Nightlight
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self.depression
|
Thank you /r/depression, you helped me through the worst time of my life. A bit over a year and a half ago I was at the worst point in my life. I posted some of stuff which might seem silly now, but I do believe it helped me.
The responses and messages I got definitely helped even though I could not see it at the time. In hindsight, you made me not feel alone and helped me seek help. I don't think I would be where I am today if it wasn't for this subreddit.
Not everything is perfect, but it is definitely way better than it used to be. In the past 6 months I have been looking forward to the future. That's definitely a positive change and something I haven't been able to say for a long time.
I really just wanted to say thanks to the people here and especially to those who took time out of their day to read and reply (and message me). I truly do appreciate it.
I don't really know what else to say, I'm really bad at these things.
Thank you.
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self.depression
|
I feel like I just need to leave for a while... I feel weighed down by everything and I feel trapped. I'm 19 and I still live with my parents...planning on moving away in Fall 2018 for college. I can't tell if I like being alone or not. I like being alone in the sense that it's probably the only time I get a sense of peace. It's the only time that I truly feel like I'm in control of myself. Not saying that I don't have control of myself when I'm not alone, I just feel like I'm there. Like I'm stuck. Like I'm not doing anything. I don't like being alone at times, however, because that's when my thoughts go crazy. That's when I can feel at my lowest point.
But I still want to be alone. I don't know why. Maybe it's because of who I spend my time with when I'm not alone, or how I spend my time. But I want to be alone. I feel like I NEED to be alone. I feel like I need to get away from everything for a while.
I'm a strong believer that you need to push through awful things to experience happiness(hopefully one day). Not because of some stupid fucking quote like "When you keep getting knocked back it's because life's going to launch you forward". But because you can't experience happiness if you don't first experience pain. You want perfect teeth? It's possible, but first you might need a root canal. If you want something good, there's always going to be a catch - nothing is free. The same holds true for happiness in my opinion.
I love my family. I just don't feel like they have the ability to help me with what I need. I feel bad for kind of saying that I need to get away from them - but that's how I feel. I'm missing something(or maybe someone) from my life. I don't feel like a completed person. I feel something missing.
I think what I need most is either to be alone, or someone who makes it worth it for me to not be alone. I know that's probably an awful thing to say and sounds weird, but that's what I think. I've been a single guy all my life. I'm just trying to figure out what I'm missing. It sounds cliche but that's the only way I can think of to describe it.
Sorry for ranting, I know this post is probably all over the place and probably contradicts itself multiple times, but I'm conflicted so I guess it makes sense.
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self.offmychest
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In 2018, I will fully forget about my ex [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I want to die and I have no hope, but I’m scared. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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To the Owen Electric tech that turned my electric off in 0° weather... ...thanks for sticking around so I could call in a payment.
To Owen Electric: Fuck you for turning off my electric in sub freezing temps just because I owed you $65. Ruthless fucks.
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self.offmychest
|
Space gangsters from Mars I've been thinking quite seriously about killing myself, and I'll explain what I mean as up front and honest as possible. I tend to disagree with myself. I do things that make me sick, and then laugh at them. For the past year or so i have been watching myself live in a state of astonishment, totally bewildered that I can be who I am. The most hilarious and sad example of this is an incident where i went home with a dude and he tried to suck me off, bonerless, and I watched him, fish-lipped, trying to stoke a boner without any success. I woke up the following morning (this was maybe a year ago) and I was nothing but surprised. I thought, damn, well, that's part of you now. And then i went on with my life. Big mistake. haha, jk. But I ended up moving away from that city for work, and when I came to my new job I met a woman who seemed to like me even though she was dating a dude who also worked at this place. She would wait until everyone was gone and find me and ask me questions about the books i was reading. Normally I would think nothing of this, if she happened to be around and curious, but it was obvious that she sought me out. When her boyfriend was around I noticed a coldness on her part toward him, and if I didn't acknowledge her at work she huffed and puffed every time she came around me. So one day I came in drunk and expunged all my suspicions, right in front of her boyfriend, thinking I was being hilarious ( I still find it all funny). I said he was handsome and that he would have no problem finding someone else. (i worked at a bar and came in on a day off). When I woke up i remembered nothing but bewildered faces. I quit my job by never going back, and I woke up laughing, and every time I felt how raw the wound was, how dumb I had been, and every time I anticipated the consequences, I laughed more, without really any joy at all. For the sake of brevity, lets just say that everything I touch is destroyed similarly. I confess all intuition i ever have. If I think something it is going to be said at some point. Nothing is held in. Everything spills. I have no idea how I have not gotten my ass kicked, but the thing is that I don't lose fights. I win horribly, and I'm not a good fighter. I end up looking at someone way weaker than what I had thought, way more hurt than they should be. If I make a Yo Mama joke, that persons mother is dead. Do you follow what I'm saying? My outward life is a gross mirror of my inward one, and I seem to warp social interactions in my characteristic way, like a bowling ball warps bowling pins. I can not be anywhere without myself tagging along. blah, blah, blah. There's worse shit to mention, but I think the tone of this is what's important. Considering that I don't care if I die, should I say fuck it? Change seems unlikely. I've got no responsibilities, no kids or anything heavy. I am not depressed as far as I can tell, other than grossed out I don't feel much of anything. Ashamed. Both my parents were dead before I was born, and I have no siblings or anyone who would have to carry around the burden of a dead relative. I've only ever had shallow friendships, which is all I'm capeable of, so I wouldn't be breaking any platonic hearts. I have no resentments or ill-will, nothing even close. I just am not somebody I want to be, and I also don't want to be anyone else.
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self.SuicideWatch
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What can you do for me? I ***loathe*** this mentality.
The idea that if you aren't making another person's life better in some way, you're completely worthless.
Specifically, **my** life. What are **you** going to do for *me*? Nothing??? Ok, then ***FUCK*** ***YOU***.
See how absolutely toxic it feels to be treated that way? I'm unfortunate enough to know too many people who are like this. They will make you scramble to please them and make them happy, and if you don't deliver, you're garbage. They'll proceed to ghost you, and even give you dirty looks for not being "just right", and acting the way they want you to act.
And the sad thing is, everybody is like this. "Do something for me." "Make me happy." "Be useful."
God, I hate this whole fucking planet.
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self.depression
|
DAE struggle immensely with self-care and daily living tasks (i.e. cooking, doing dishes, taking out the trash, etc.)
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self.depression
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Brother Suicide Attempt I just need a place to rant and say all this. Ok so my older brother is a freshman in college. He’s struggled with depression specifically through bipolar. A few months ago, we got a call that some people had encouraged him to go to the hospital after they saw a lot of cutting on his arms. He went and was put in the physc ward. He was released and my parents had worked with him through everything. He had another breakdown and checked himself into the hospital after he had been cutting again and then revealed it was mainly his school that he hated and he had made no friends at (Hillsdale College in Michigan). He transferred to Hope College in Holland Michigan and while doing this an agreement was made that he’d continue his counseling there and get help and use the helpline whenever he needed it. Last weekend, he came home for winter break. We saw his arms and there was hundreds of cuts on them. My mom had talked to him about it but it is just so hard and he denies everything all the time. He had returned on last wednesday, and it just seemed like we couldn’t do anything. Yesterday (Tuesday Night), we got a call from a mom who had a son who was friends with my brother. They said he was burning charcoal in his car and trying to kill himself. The son had just been texted by my brother saying good bye and that he loves everyone and it’s not against them. Luckily, through this other family’s work, they contacted campus safety and kept him on the line while campus safety pinged his phone and found him. He had voluntarily gone to the hospital with the campus police. As we were on the way to the
college/hospital (A 3hr drive) we found out about that he was safe. We were happy but my parents are divorced and they have different opinions about what I should know. I’m just conflicted and sad and evrything is so hard. I’ve been through depression and cutting and almost killing myself even though i’m only 13. My dad and other brother didn’t want me coming up but I love my brother so much and with his bipolar he has changed and I honestly have wished I could just go up to him and give him a big hug. My mom says I should know and should be able to come visit and i’m just so conflicted. Please just someone help me.
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self.depression
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I'm working three days a week and can barely manage. I have been crying all evening while wrapping christmas presents. I don't think my depression will ever go away. A few months ago I told a friend that I had feelings for him (best friends for 4 years) and he as pretty much removed me from his life. I feel lost without him and it has made me spiral.
I work 3 days a week in a relatively easy research job and can barely handle it. At night when I shut my eyes to sleep I fantasise about killing myself. Every night.
I feel like dying so I won't have to go to work and fail over and over again at something that really isn't that difficult. I feel like I let myself down and the research team down every single day.
I am useless to everyone. I feel like a terrible friend to the people who care about me because I spend most of my time thinking about the one person who doesn't give a shit about me anymore.
I don't know what to do. I'm in therapy but it doesn't seem to be working. I just want a time out for like...6 months. I feel like I can't live in the real world. I just...I don't know what to do.
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self.depression
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I'm a lesbian who wants to try sleeping with a guy [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Does other peoples success ever seem like it just highlights your failures? I went to my nephews college graduation today. I really want to feel good for him. He has worked hard and done well, but all I can seem to focus on is my own academic and other failures. I barely made it out of high school and he graduated summa cum laude from a prestigious university.
I am a piece of shit.
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self.depression
|
If you could design a tool or system to support you and your experience with anxiety, what would it be like? Of course, a magic wand would be great, but if you could design something to have with you to help you manage anxiety what would it be? I am curious if many people would want something similar thing and what effect each person's experience and background has on what would be most beneficial for them.
Some ideas I came up with are a physical object, a device, an app, a support network, a friend, a bubble suit, a positive text message, breathing guidance, a distraction, a problem to focus on, a portable meditation room... think big, what would you want?
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self.Anxiety
|
I just want to know if people also feel this way I'm 17, a girl and I'm really depressed. I used to be so scared of myself. If I even thought for a second about the option suicide, I would cry and be scared. Lately it gives me a feeling of relief. Like I can escape all of this forever. The only thing that keeps me here is my family. I just wish they would let me go.
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self.depression
|
I'm afraid to sleep It's true. I have clinical depression that I'm taking medication for but every night is riddled with nightmares that getting a good night's rest is impossible because of said medication. I had such terrible nightmares last night that when I finally woke up in fright and stumbled to the bathroom I realized that I don't want to sleep again. As I'm laying here in bed thinking of my first day of work in a little more than twelve hours I struggle to come to a decision on if I should take the Zzzquil (which prevents me from waking up to an inevitable panic attack caused by nothing should I choose to sleep) or try and stay awake all night and all day with the help of energy drinks; because falling asleep and having a nightmare that leaves me wondering if I'm actually awake when I am startled to consciousness is terrifying to me. Sometimes I wonder if this medication is actually helping me or just making new problems...
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self.depression
|
reddit, please for the love of god help me [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Very quickly losing my will to live. It seems as if it doesn't matter how hard I try to stay away from crashing into the thought/feeling barrier of "My life is going to go nowhere, and I will never be successful or find where I belong", I always seem to smack myself face first on it.
A little introductory, I am 25, don't really have much to show for the time I've been here on Earth. I was bullied a lot in school, and I have a very loose friend circle. I suppose if we're technically speaking, I have no friends anywhere within 500 miles.
I never joined any extra curricular activities after school. Instead, I spent most of my childhood and early adulthood playing RuneScape or World of Warcraft. But at the end of the day, if it weren't for those games, I wouldn't have met my best friend of 8 years. He currently lives in Maryland with his wonderful girlfriend whom I am very glad to also call a friend.
I finally live in a house, with my beautiful girlfriend and the house is paid off. Which is a huge milestone for our age. Unfortunately the only reason this was possible is because my girlfriend's father passed away this past summer. I have a job, a car, and most of my family minus my father that is rarely involved in my life, and on paper (or this post) it would seem that life should be good, yeah? But why don't I feel that way?
Initially this post was going to be venting about how I can't keep a job, but I decided that I should probably get a little deeper than that. But since it was mentioned: I have had 18 jobs in the last 5 years. To me that is a staggering number.
They all have fleshed out more or less the same way. My depression takes over, I lose motivation super easy, nothing gets done, people start to dislike me and then off I go. A final "good luck" before I'm tossed out of the doors and sent on my way home. Some haven't been like this, I've been fired from jobs that I was doing really well at, simply because management didn't like me for whatever reason.
I supposed I'm not a very likable person? I try to be nice and respectful as well as be there when I'm needed, but it seems like someone eventually finds something they don't like about me. Maybe it's my depression, I don't really like myself most of the time.
I've spoken to a therapist a few times. But it's usually the same stuff and I don't feel any better. I go into the appointment, it's awkward, we shoot the shit but I don't feel like we dive into deep issues. Accompanied by the fact that I don't know what to talk about or say other than something is wrong with me and I don't know what or why.
I started a business, and I managed to get my first client. I was really excited and happy about that, but it felt very short lived because I started to wonder if I would just fail at this too. I keep getting jobs that suck the soul out of me or that I can't put my heart into. I've tried a few different Fields but nothing helps.
People say to find something I enjoy for work, but I feel like that's asking me to climb a mountain or jump so high I break into space. I'm not afraid to work hard. But I need to have my heart in what I do. So thats why I thought making my own business would be something I could pour my life into and be happy about. I still feel that way, but it's really hard to make progress on it when you work full time at a 8-5 job that you have no love or interest in. All my time goes here.
I want to leave so desperately and focus on my business. But I don't have any money saved up as my entire 2 months earnings have been spent on catching up on bills. I'm just about to be caught up and I'm all out of steam. I don't want to quit or be fired. I just don't have the energy anymore.
I want and need to be better. But damn.. I feel like I've been spinning my tires nonstop for the last 5 years that my tread is all gone. I can't afford health insurance, can't afford medical bills, so maybe there's something medically wrong that I can't get diagnosed. I have no idea.
I don't want to keep going on like this. A life where I make no progress and fail constantly isn't a life that I want to live. I've lost interest in all my hobbies. I can barely touch a video game anymore. I lose interest 30 seconds after starting.
A life without progress or accomplishment, working to make other people's yacht payments while my soul is rapidly sucked away is a life I refuse to suffer.
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self.depression
|
I'm making a short comic on depression/suicide. Any ideas? I really want there to be a strong message that people can relate to and will stick with people. Any and all ideas are appreciated.
|
self.depression
|
Help please... Long story short I just got into a huge fight with my best friend and it did not go well as in I'm pretty sure she is done with me....im below rock bottom right now...ive got a gun in my hand it's loaded and ready to go i don't really know what to do other then put it to my head and pull the trigger...what do I do? Help please it a 5am my time so no one is awake and I don't have anyone to talk to any way...do I call the cops? Or do I just pull the trigger?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Here I am again Almost one year ago from today I made my first post. I’m 21 now. And I can’t believe suicide is still on my fucking mind constantly eating away at me.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Whenever I got in accident a question always comes up to my mind, "Why am I still alive" [deleted]
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self.depression
|
What the Fuck Does This Even Mean? Can't find anything useful online. The bastards added the "atypical features" modifier to my bp 1 diagnosis, but I can't find anything that corresponds to my exacerbation in symptoms (more leaning towards hallucinations, possibly outside of a mood episode). Idk, making me feel kinda hopeless, I'm just wondering if it just means the psychiatrists are going "/shrug idk wtf is going on, here have lots of drugs."
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self.bipolar
|
Glad you were embarrassed. You only used me. Probably one of the worst relationship I will ever be in. Lol after cheating on me, consistantly lying to me and I hadn't even texted you in 3 months. You call me out of the blue. Ask for drinks. You don't get really drink(which is very uncharacteristic). Have this huge speech, how I am your soul mate(BS). I'm the only one in the world you trust(BS). Get me incredibly drunk, when you pay (which you never do) and stay sober. Ask me to move in, tomorrow. Which I oblige to due to the alcohol. Ask to retalk about this. Oh shit you moved in everything when I was at work. And in reality everything you said was BS, you just needed a place to stay for 10 days. You could have asked anyone, you are really outgoing and have a ton of friends. Whereas I'm shy, additionally you knew I would say yes if you got me drunk and said that shit. You just didn't want your friends to know you blew your rent money.
You have $600 of my shit(which I sent you the receipts for). I asked for it for a month via texts and calls. Asked you to drop it off at my work which is 5 minutes from your work. Drop it off at my house (10 minutes from your work). Which you actually agreed to many times, but never did.
So, yeah, I went to your work(gave you a two day heads ups) and asked for my shit back. I was polite to everyone. Simply asked for my stuff back. Glad you say "how dare you" How dare you treat me like total shit and try/probably will keep my stuff just because you want it and I know you use it because you told me.
So have fun explaining that. I might look crazy at your work. But Idgaf. Sincerely fuck you. I'm so glad you were embarrassed.
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self.offmychest
|
I want to kill myself My mom is angry after getting out from the hospital. She says no one loves her. She’s upset at my sister who’s uncaring and disobedient to her. She threw stuff. She says if she died we’re the type of daughters to cry for only three days. To be fair, I wouldn’t cry, I would kill myself right then and there because she’s the only reason I’m forcing myself to live.
I hate myself I hate my life I hate all of it. I want to die. Please please why can’t God let me die. I’ve never asked for anything in my life except this and I can’t even have that.
Please, I don’t want to live anymore. No one’s happy and I can’t fix anything. It’s all shit. I’d rather die. I’m so tired. I’m so so tired.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What helps me to Control my anxiety (pt.1) Hi
You guys can call me Zera. I'm new here and English is not my first language so take it easy:).
I'm a guy who basically once lost a girl that I love to someone else in high school and got so mad that night. Started breaking things, punching things,.. etc. Since that day I get anxious from any test in life that may cost me something. College tests have been a pain in the ass for me. In every single freaking test, my legs get numb, my heart start beating so hard, my hands shake which makes my handwriting more horrible than it already is, and I barely breath.
Later I will write the details of what happened between me and that girl and how we got back again and we are close to get engaged:)
Anyways, everyone of us has something or multiple things which helps keeping the nerves calmed. For me, in every once in a while I will share something which helps me to control my anxiety.
Today, I decided to share a song with you. The video has a story before the song starts. I can listen to this story everyday not getting tired because it helps a lot and the songs itself is awesome. Good music and the lyrics are meaningful. Here's the thing, people must respect whatever the story is referring to. I may not share the same beliefe, but I respect it and love it because after all, you judge a person of what he is to you, not of what he believes in :) Hopefully you guys will have the same good feeling as I do when you listen to it. Enjoy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioT2n-aJNxk
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self.Anxiety
|
Went to the hospital today, got rebuffed I've been struggling badly with worsening psychotic episodes and bipolar mood swings, and I just couldn't take it anymore so I went in to the hospital to see about inpatient care, but because I'm a drug user and I didn't feel I would hurt myself or others they basically told me to fuck off (in nice terms) and gave me a prescription for abilify. I was already seriously discouraged by this, but I went to the pharmacy, paid $87 (even with insurance) for a tiny bottle of maybe 15 pills, and then when I read through the side effects discovered it gives about 20% of people PERMANENT incurable potentially debilitating motor tics (65% of people who take it for 25+ years develop them, so its basically an inevitability with prolonged use) . I can't take the meds back or get a refund and even though its pretty much the only thing that could help my psychosis I refuse to take such a huge chance for a horrible side effect that could ruin my life, so I'm out $87 with no meds and no therapy. Oh, and that's on top of the hundreds-dollar bill I'm going to have to pay just for walking in the ER doors, even though they didn't DO anything besides act condescending to me for a few hours and give me a doctors note that excuses me from class. The university health center I'm going to for regular counseling has absolutely no options for intensive treatment, so I'm going to have to go to a private clinic tomorrow and see if I qualify for a treatment program there, which may or may not be covered under insurance. Why the fuck is mental healthcare in America so awful? You'd think that the hospital full of people who went through years of med school to get a job helping people would actually want to help people instead of just throwing horrible nasty drugs at them and kicking them out...
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self.bipolar
|
A year ago, I tried to kill myself multiple times... [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Girlfriend of 2 years has no faith in the relationship and not willing to try. I've been dating this girl I met in college for two years and we've done just about everything together.Just recently we moved in together for college on a year lease.Now after a few months since June in 2017 she is now saying, "I don't see us having a future together" or "Our personalities don't mix well" like what the heck. We've been dating for two years and now all of a sudden for the last few months isn't been downhill for her. I tell her I'll improve myself, but I've asked her to put effort into the relationship too she says her mind has "distanced herself from the relationship" well once again if your mind has already made up then why should I even try besides becoming a better person. I have to live with this person for another 7 months due to a lease and trying to save up to move out.
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self.offmychest
|
alone [naw] ive been drifting farther and farther from people lately and i honestly didn't think you'd drift from me too. basically, after reviewing my thoughts i realize i need to leave you because you just aren't reciprocating what i'm putting into this. i don't feel respected or validated; i'm ignored. my worries are brushed off and you don't talk to me and you shut down. and you are uninterested in entertaining any idea of anything remotely smelling of "committment" - which i get. because we are going in different directions. but you don't even want to go somewhere together on a short trip in the near future, and i'm pretty sure it's because you just don't feel strongly for me but can't admit it. you have plenty of PTO and money but going somewhere with someone who you're always calling your favorite person, and telling me you love me, is out of the question- and instead you dodge the question and change the subject. i mean, i'm not stupid, i'm just mad at myself for catching feelings so bad. and now i feel nothing but alone when i'm with you, and i don't even want to talk to you anymore.
but if i leave you i'll be maddeningly alone.
my only friends are in a city 500 miles away and i barely see them... i mean i can't help it but i'm sad for myself and my situation. i can't help but feel pitiful. i have no one to talk to, to relate to, to keep up with. i experience transphobia and have no outlet for anyone to relate and no one seems to be on my side. everyone just argues with me, makes fun of me, like why do i need that? childish. why the fuck would i be friends with any of these dimwitted assholes? and then i sit at home unable to connect with other people and i've become more and more isolated. i try not to let all this shit get me down but i can;t contain it or push it down anymore and its consuming me and i'm breaking.
the only thing keeping me going is my family and my cat. i'm so lucky that i have my dad and his wife, and my aunt to help me feel like less of an outcast and a mistake. when i move away next year, i won't have that emotional resource anymore, and that is terrifying to me. but thats something else, and this was about my loser boyfriend unwilling to give me any kind of emotional support.
i honestly wish i could move away tomorrow and not even see him anymore. but if i leave him now i'll be emotionally raw that i can't do it. so fuck me, right? i just don't have the friend base here to fill the emotional void i'll have when i leave him.
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self.offmychest
|
Enough At what point do you feel like you just want to give up? I’ve done a lot of reading and looking around about suicide. I’m basically just sick of thinking about it every day. There is this site called exitinternational and I really like the points the doctor makes there. He has a book on how to help do everything. It actually makes it seem more okay, or if it’s actually more excepted and it’s not like I’ll be just disappointing all over again. I don’t really know, it just seems so mixed but I’ve been thinking about this for far too long. When is enough, enough?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
You know that feeling when you're leaning in a chair and you momentarily lose your balance? That rush as you catch yourself from falling? I feel like that all the time now.
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self.depression
|
I'm a walking mistake and want to die Update: I am feeling a lot better after posting here and hearing back from you guys. There are a lot of empathetic people here and I needed this.
Long winded post. TL;DR I am very depressed and so ridden with guilt/shame/self-hatred/embarrassment because I make so many mistakes every day and it effects the people around me.
I don't know where to post this because it is filling me with anxiety but also suicidal depression. I make mistakes pretty regularly, this week has been full of mini disasters and it effects the people around me.
So far this month I have
Forgotten to take the mail out of the mailbox as usual. It's next to the neighbours so they have to see my stupid mail all the time.
Didn't offer to help shovel the front of the apartment building/veranda because I was too scared to ask them.
Put off doing dishes for way too long and by the time I finally got around to doing them it was midnight. My neighbours heard the whole thing and whisper-screamed through the walls they fucking hated me. I agree with them that I hate me too. I'm sorry they have to deal with me. You know that subreddit "my terrible neighbour"? Well, I think at this point I can say I am that terrible neighbour. But not intentionally and I am fully aware of every mistake I make. Believe me, it was not on my agenda to be a terrible neighbour. Nobody wants to be THAT person who makes people around them miserable.
Fell down tripping in my apartment when I was going to turn the light on and almost dropped a whole pizza. The apartment has thin walls so everything is about as quiet as an atomic bomb in here, we can hear everything the other person does here. I'm sure my fall freaked them out.
I left something in the oven and forgot about it completely when I made the stupid decision to shovel snow off the back deck, setting off the fire alarm and filling the kitchen with smoke/giving myself a smoke inhalation headache and causing the neighbours yet more grief/putting everyone in danger. :(
Crossed the street when a big fucking pick-up truck was coming (but it was way off and I thought they could stop but the roads are snowy so maybe not) and I lead my friends along with me and pissed off this truck driver (they may possibly have been my neighbour because they have the same black truck as this) and they leaned on the horn as we crossed and it was horrible. I felt so awful/like such an idiot.
You're probably wondering wow, do you have a brain? Well, yes. But I fail at using it properly. I'm pretty sure I have some neurological deficit like ADHD-PI, but I still hate myself for what an inconvenience I am to everyone around me and I wish I could be different, someone who never messes up or pisses people off. I try very hard NOT to upset people but it backfires, I sabotage myself with my own stupidity.
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self.Anxiety
|
Poem I laze around all day
Or so it seems
While I’m sitting back
In my head, I scream
I watch YouTube all day
Feeling myself waste away
I want to get up
I want to move
I want to scream
But all I can do
Is snooze
Drown out the screams
Drown out the voices
Drown out the feeling of self-hatred
Sit down
Grab your yarn
Remember to breath
It’s all I can do
While I internally scream
I scream
And Cry
And Curse
And no one sees
While I laze around watching T.V
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self.depression
|
Anyone else struggle with this? Does anyone else have a hard time washing themselves and getting dressed/ changing their clothes when they are severely depressed? I seem to be the only one who struggles with this. When I'm at my worst these simple tasks become virtually impossible and I can't even think about leaving the house, but unfortunately no one around me understands.
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self.depression
|
EffEXor ..is where my current circle has run its course. For the second time I’m coming off it after Just coming off hospitalised lamotrigine withdrawal. The zaps are shitty, getting up and out is tougher than normal, and it kinda goes without saying I’m in a depressive episode. I (and many of you guys) for a fact know the zaps and lethargy resides, but then I’m gonna have choices to make with the pdoc- what’s the next AD on the menu? I’m susceptible to what is best for me. I’m an active dude, I’m 25. I just want to feel more alive than a robot being programmed into complacency. Do I just avoid anti depressants altogether? I’ve tried the following bundles of joy:
Celexa/Citalopram
Zoloft/Sertraline
Prozac/Fluoxetine
Effexor(obv)
I’ve had lamotrigine/lamictal with no joy. I’m currently on lithium and buspirone/buspar.
I’ve heard good things about Wellbutrin, but here in the uk theyre very reluctant to explore it as an option. I guess I’m just looking for some advice or reassurance? It’s easy to feel so misunderstood, especially in these times. Thanks guys and happy holidays
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self.bipolar
|
It’ll pass. It’ll get easier. That’s what they say, you know. They say they’ll be there for you. They say “Be strong”.
And I believe them. I really do. And I’m glad. I’m glad for all the support they give me.
But for as much support as they give me, it doesn’t make it less painful.
My grandfather passed away yesterday in the morning. He’d been dealing with kidney cancer for months. For so long, it felt like an eternity. I had to watch him change from the chubby, smiley man I loved with all my heart to a living skeleton. He was never a very talkative man, but he was the sweetest person I’ve ever, and will ever, know. For as shitty a person as I am, as I was, he always saw only good. He was proud where my parents weren’t.
I write this as I lie next to the chair he always sat on while he watched baseball. I remember I’d come visit after getting out of high school. And he’d be sitting there, and he’d turn to see me and I could see his face light up. And I’d sit and have dinner with him and my grandmother. I’d talk their ears off, and he was always happy to hear.
And he’s not here anymore. And his absence hurts. And I don’t know how I’ll be able to move on.
Teach me how to say goodbye...
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self.offmychest
|
Atypical anxiety to go with atypical depression. I see my anxiety as "atypical." I used to be shy. Now I fire up like an engine in large crowds. I can't wipe the joy off my face when I'm presenting to large groups. I knock people over in interviews. With enough encouragement, I'll pull stunts, or dance like a fool. As an introverted 30-year-old woman, I feel lucky to be so spirited, albeit not often.
But when I'm alone. Oh, when I'm alone. My world falls apart. I'm capable of nothing. I become heavy and inert. I sink into a quicksand of jobless misery for months on end. I experience raw fear just thinking about cleaning up, or doing something creative. I pine for a significant other so, so badly. Loneliness is like a corrosive acid, destroying me from the inside. I'm a divorcee - ten years together, four years apart. When people withdraw, I go insane, and my vibe pushes them further away. Losing a friend is like having my intestines pulled out of my abdomen, one excruciating inch at a time.
I feel this leaden certainty. That my fathomless loneliness will eat me whole and ruin my life. I haven't turned to hard drugs yet, but I wonder if it's my calling, like a star that burns bright and burns out.
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self.Anxiety
|
Am I meant to know why I feel like this? My new doctor referred me to a psychologist last week when I mentioned I thought I had been depressed for several years.
The appointment went fine, but at the end she told me I hadn’t given her much to work with.
It instantly gave me the impression that the psychologist is just looking for some simple cause of my depression. If I knew why I felt like this I’d like to think I have worked it out for myself by now.
I really don’t know what I meant to tell them next appointment.
Am I meant to know why I feel like this?
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self.depression
|
Long weekends, nothing to do. Ideations, etc. How do you cope? Hey all. I'm sure for a lot of us these long weekends are hard. I know for me, especially when I'm in a funk, they just give me more time to sit around and mope and wallow in my dark thoughts. Like today is nice out, but I really don't have many friends and by like 4 or 5 I'll lose that urge to do anything, the sun will go away, and I'll be having ideations. What do you all do in these situations? I don't really have many friends, and I always worry about putting too much of a burden on my girlfriend. Any advice? Tips? What helps you get through long periods of down time without, or maybe with, suicidal ideations and thoughts of depression? What helps you get going when you lack the energy? I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving by the way.
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self.depression
|
I told my crush how I felt and she said no [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Tired I'm so tired of the pain and confusion. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
Today I'm having a really hard time finding a reason to not just end it all.
My kids are really the main reason I am still holding on but as each day goes by I wonder if they just wouldn't be better without me.
I don't know if I have any more strength left in me...I just feel so hopeless, worthless and just a piece of shit
|
self.depression
|
Dear Mom, I lied, but you lied first.
I can’t get over it. I will never get over it. Now that you’ve been gone for seven years, whenever I think of you, the majority of the time, I’m thinking about it. That is your main legacy with me, (mixed in, of course, with the good stuff).
A few months before you died, you said that it was the second biggest mistake of your life. I know you recognized it as wrong and huge in our lives as well. But that doesn’t make it go away.
In many ways, it gave me wings – so I have to be grateful for it. I wouldn’t have had the strength to leave that small town and ‘break your heart’ if you hadn’t done it. But on another level, it was such a cruel rejection. How could you repeatedly choose my cheating, abusive boyfriend over me?
I’ll never understand it as long as I live. It wasn’t like you didn’t know he was sleeping with other people. You even knew who it was and covered it up. And after the second time he did it and I went away to college, you had him move into my sister’s bedroom. Who does that?
I wasn’t awful. I wasn’t rebellious. Even if I was, I didn’t deserve that! I had to come home that summer because I had nowhere else to go and you pushed and pushed us to get together again. He’d been living there, rent-free, no job. I was in college, working my ass off at a part-time job. Yet, he was somehow your golden child.
Then you saw his temper. Throwing things at me. Knocking me to the ground. Shattering my car window. I didn’t retaliate. I just took it. I asked you to please have him move out but you didn’t. You were worried he might kill himself, you told me.
And when fall rolled around, I went back to college and he followed me. Everyone there hated him, just like everyone in our little town (except you) could see who he really was. When he put his fist through the door, I finally had enough. I phoned, hysterical, asking if I could drop out of college and please move home. And if I did, if you would please not take him back in.
You did. For a few weeks. But the minute I left town to see a friend, you drove to get him, driving 400 miles in a weekend just to bring him back to the house for the weekend. Of course you lied to me about it.
You lied about all the letters you wrote him and the birthday gifts. Then you had the fucking nerve to pour the guilt on when I moved 2,000 miles away and married someone you didn’t approve of. When I announced I was going to have a baby, your reaction was to mourn. You wept because you wouldn’t get to see my child as often as the ones that lived near you. I was the bad daughter. I was why you got fat and why you took up smoking again. My fault.
I love you mom, but I lied, too. When you were dying and I leaned down to soothe you, I told you that you were the best mom in the world. And I said goodbye.
But I still drag your betrayal along every day of my life and it will never be resolved. I will never understand why.
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self.offmychest
|
Finally stopping lexapro A few days ago I stopped taking lexapro completely, after I started tapering off first. As expected I'm very dizzy right now and my sleep schedule is fucked up, I literally don't feel tired at all while being exhausted at the same time. I wake up at 3pm every day. My depression and anxiety have stopped months ago and I felt that lexapro is of no use for me anymore. I hope that everything will be fine again after these nasty side effects have passed. Thanks for reading.
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self.depression
|
depressed over the holidays No calls, messages or emails over holidays. Life really sucks. I ask God to kill me every day, even he ignores me.
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self.depression
|
How can I lessen this nervous energy? I wouldn't say every day I'm a nervous, anxious mess--but today, for what ever reason--I was. I think it was because I drank more caffeine than I probably should have. I'm been jumpy all day, overthinking things I shouldn't, and just overall fretting over stupid problems.
Do you all know any good techniques for easing this nervous energy? Reading and writing does help me, music too--but when I have to go back to doing real life stuff, like going to the store or work, I'm back to being nervous again.
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self.Anxiety
|
What do I do? What do you do when no one wants to talk to you, text you, hang out with you, hold you or just see you? I'm always the first to talk and no one is ever really interested enough to talk to me after, I'm not nosey or needy, I'm quite quiet and reserved but I do try to talk to people. It's the holidays and my "friend" of 5 years again hasn't invited me to a single thing despite going on and on about get-togethers and parties for as long as I've known him, I don't know why i treated him like a brother. None of my relationships have ever gotten past short-term. I came home the other day after seeing nice and happy couples about and just said,"I'm going to die alone, that's how this is going to end". I haven't got the guts to kill myself but i just want it all to end. It's just another one of those nights where I lay and hope that I don't wake up. What do I do? Something good has to happen soon right?
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self.depression
|
Need help making friends and starting relationships Hey everyone,
Sorry for the long post, but here it goes (TL;DR at the very bottom):
I'm an undergraduate sophomore (20 year old, male) entering the spring semester. I've been feeling isolated and lonely lately, mainly because I've never had close friends or romantic relationships in my entire life. My freshman year, I joined two clubs, both having a lot of people, but I struggled to make friends there. I left those clubs, b/c they added to my work load and stress, and no one was interested in talking to me (even after I made an effort to talk to some people). After that, I joined chess club, and I have fun while I'm there. The people are nice, but I'm struggling to make close friends.
I have general anxiety/social anxiety (for as long as I can remember). I saw a psychiatrist a few weeks ago, and he prescribed me a medication (escitalopram). To describe my thoughts.. I can't approach a cashier without feeling awkward/self-conscious. I'm too anxious and uncomfortable to initiate contact with people in my lectures, my professors, or people sitting in libraries/cafés for fear of inconveniencing them or looking like a loner/loser. Whenever I walk by a large group of people on the other side of the sidewalk, I feel extremely self-conscious and feel like breaking down (i.e. crying) at any moment. In my freshman-year clubs, whenever there was a social scene after practice at someone's house, I was too nervous to ask for a ride (I was scared to inconvenience a teammate to drive me). It's a great struggle for me to initiate contact with the average student or professor, even to ask a question.
It's strange. I WANT to meet new people and form relationships (both friendships and intimate ones), but at the same time, I can't get myself to do it. I feel very tense/anxious/self-conscious when approaching someone (ANYONE) and starting a conversation and keeping it. The constant self-consciousness and blushing/reddening whenever I talk to someone is driving me insane. It's annoying to have this happen, even when I'm doing something as simple as ordering coffee. I can't even look a cashier in the eye. I've tried and failed many times (I look away after ONE SECOND of eye contact, and my face blushes a little.... doesn't matter who the cashier is and what s/he says or does).
I want to change. I don't like living this way, and I'm open to any and all suggestions/advice. I'm getting counseling in 2 weeks, but that aside...... what else should I do?
Thank you for reading!!!!
TL;DR 20 year old guy in college, never had friends or intimate relationships in my life, struggling to talk to people (fellow students, professors, etc.) out of anxiety, despite WANTING to meet new people. Currently taking medication, about to get counseling in 2 weeks. Need more help. Thank you!
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self.Anxiety
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I’m 14 Male and I’m depressed I have struggled over the past 6 months. I have genital warts, and armpit warts but since I’m 14 it’s embarrassing so I won’t tell anybody. I also have terrible body acne and I never take my shirt off because it’s disgusting and who wants to see that. I feel like I will die young and not be able to experience sex and life again. I don’t know what to do in terms of having HPV. I don’t want to tell my parents or anybody near me because it will probably cost a lot of money to get it resolved and cause great embarrassment. My parents already spend a lot of money on health bill because my dad had (3 years clean) brain cancer. Help me! I’m confused and I think my life will never be the same and will be ruined.
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self.depression
|
I took today off...time to get it together! I’ve been in a mixed state and it’s driving me bonkers. I’m like a shaken coke can that refuses to open, and that also can’t wake up.
The house is a mess, I haven’t done laundry or dishes, there’s no food in the fridge, and I have a ton of school work to do.
I’m going to use the appearance of Spring in my area to motivate me to work!
Wish me luck!
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self.bipolar
|
stuck between depression and anxiety either feeling everything or feeling nothing. I get depressed when I do nothing with my life but if I do something I get too anxious about it which makes it feel like it isn't worth it. There's no happy medium it's just one or the other.
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self.Anxiety
|
experiences with CBT and the referral process? Long story short i've finally spoken with my GP this year about struggling with anxiety. After a couple of appointments and talking through things with them, they have told me to consider anti-depressants and in the meantime have referred me to CBT.
I've received the letter through the post and they want me to call them up for an over-the-phone 15 min-or-so assessment which has to be done by this thursday otherwise my referral to them will no longer be valid.
I'm terrified of talking on the phone anyways- nevermind talking about myself, so i'm trying my best not to avoid calling them up and losing out. i know it wont be the same ofc but i'm just wondering if anyone has had to do something similar before? and what sort of questions you get asked? I think between the fact that i'll have to call them up and then not know what things they could ask me is making me have a meltdown. It sounds silly but i usually have to have everything planned out in my head for things like this otherwise i'll just avoid doing things at all.
Just trying to figure out what to expect and to put my mind a bit at ease! thankyou.
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self.Anxiety
|
Weekly Success Thread: Share your victories large & small! As I'm sure many of you already know first-hand it can be overwhelming even to do the "little" or "normal" things in life for those with anxiety issues. It's about time every one of us bragged about our triumphs big and small in our day to day life.
This weekly post is all about sharing our victories - large and small. Because let's face it - for those of us suffering with anxiety issue it really is all about the little things. Success & victories large AND small happen all the time and these are worth sharing. Also, sometimes in sharing these moments of success, there is the added bonus of fellow Redditors - giving encouragement and hope. It helps to know that there are people actually beating this.
---
**Come chat with us!**
That's right we have an /r/Anxiety irc channel were we hang out and talk about random things, or help those who are having a hard time. Tons of great people so feel free to stop on in and say hello! [Chatroom Weblink](https://kiwiirc.com/nextclient/#irc://irc.snoonet.org:+6697/anxiety) : [More Information](http://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/irc) We also have a Discord server! To join, click [here](https://discord.gg/qPjH9Xu).
*********
[Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/index) | [FAQ](http://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/faq) | [Types of Anxiety](https://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/anxiety_subtypes) | [Online Resources & Downloads](http://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/onlineresources) | [IRC Channel](http://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/irc) | [Community Map](https://redd.it/5ff4bn)
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self.Anxiety
|
Meaningless 1.Each time thoughts of you manage to tunnel into my head
2.I’m forced to experience emotional disarray
3.I disengage from these thoughts as often as possible
4.Yet I know I can’t go on ignoring things
5.Can’t keep pretending nothing matters
6.Nothing hurts me
7.Yet
8.Nothing hurts more than anything
9.And the emptiness you left in me
10.Is slowly consuming me.
11.Never found a resolution with you
12.Couldn’t build a foundation with you
13.We were only meant to forward each other
14.Yet
15.Things seemed so backwards at times
16.I couldn’t gift you ever-lasting love
17.You couldn’t give me infinite loyalty
18.We were a disastrous pair, you know?
19.Like the frog and the scorpion
20.We could’ve made it out alright
21.Instead our nature caused our collapse
22.And all those compatibility charts you’d fawn over
23.Didn’t mean shit.
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self.offmychest
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Have a good day Hey all. Jusy need to vent slightly, today isn't the greatest day for me... Things have been tough for a while now. I'm,hopefully seeing a therapist soon. I have a lot going on and no one to reach out and vent to.
But I hope you all have a good day and do something great.
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self.Anxiety
|
Got a copy of my medical records, need some advice So I spent 11 days in the rubber room a month ago, and contrary to its name there was not a single condom to be found any where, quite disappointing.
On my way out I bought a copy of my medical records, I was skimming thru when I found an interesting note left in my chart,
3 in the am ( pretty sure i was asleep ) Ilieaboutmyacountage mentioned that they would like to overdose on pain killers if given the chance
I can say with 100 % certainty that I did not say that at any point in my visit and I suspect that a nurse wrote about a different patient in my chart.
This is a little concerning because i feel like this could negatively effect me in the future if i ever need pain killers in an emergency situation at this hospital... what do?
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self.bipolar
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Does anyone else experience this? So my anxiety started around this time last year. I would get high on weed, which is something i did way before the anxiety started. Something changed though and it started making me anxious. The weed would make me start questioning reality, as well as make me anxious for death. It's impossible to know when you will go, and the uncertainty kills me (no pun intended). So I stop smoking weed, and have slowly been getting better over the last year. I still have random thoughts, and attacks, but they are much better. Here is where my problem comes in:
I used to work out A LOT. 6 days a week, sometimes twice a day. I stopped about 6 months before my anxiety occurred. I figure that it could have something to do with how I stopped working out completely. When I work out now, I get the high that accompanies the post work out, but even that high makes me anxious now. Does a post-work out high bother anyone else? I am getting better at managing it, and I am aware that this is something that is necessary as opposed to mary-jane. Part of the anxiety comes from a feeling I get in my face. The upper left side of my face feels numb/limp almost as though I am having a stroke, but other than that there is nothing. The feeling my body gets after the work out messes with me though, and the feeling I get in my face does not help much.
It happened today when I shoveled my parent's driveway, and I basically just told myself to try my best to enjoy it. I kept switching between enjoying the feeling, and being anxious.
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self.Anxiety
|
Story of my life When i was 14 in October of 2015 i had cold but it was the worst cold i've ever gotten in my life.
So my mom took me to the hospital and the doctor gave me antipoitics and told me that everything will be alright.
My mom went to a vacation and when she came back she realized that my eyes were yellow, so she took me to the doctor and the doctor rushed me to the hospital.
they told us that i have AIHA (Autoimmune hemolytic anemia)
the doctor told me that it should get cured in 7 months if i keep taking cortisone.
after 7 months of taking this awful medicine they saw that it kept getting worse.
they tried other medicine which was much worse and nothing still has still changed
in november 2016 the doctor talked to me personally and told me that there was nothing else they could do and that it's useless to use any other medicine, in that moment i knew i was gonna die and i had only a small peroid of time to live.
the doctor told me to take a MRI (Magnetic resonance imaging) just to make sure that everything is fine. something wasn't fine.
a tumor was discovered in my body behind my bladder and the doctors told me that it was no cancer tumor, they told me that a boy from Italy in the 19th century also had AIHA which wasn't able to get cured by medicine who also had a tumor, but when they took the tumor out he got cured in 1 week.
so the doctors told me that the surgery will be operated in The 6th of October.
since it was behind my bladder it was hard to get out so they wanted to try 2 ways. one of them was to try to get it out from my back but it has a high chance not to work because there was to many viens there.
the 2nd way was to get it out from my stomach and the way they wanted to do it was so horrible. they wanted to open up my stomach. get all my guts out and then get the tumor out.
so on that date they successfully got the tumor out but they had to use both ways which took them 12 hours!
after one week of the surgery i got cured and now i'm here sitting writing this while being the 2nd person in the world who had this illness
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self.offmychest
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Last night took an L This all happened yesterday night. Throwaway account for personal reasons. This text might take a while to read, so either skip it or - even better - read it. But you don't have to, I just want to write it all down, to get it eventually of my chest and sort my thoughts..
Love is just indescribable if you think about it. I had a crush on a girl from my school for around a month now. Actually, I didn't like her before and sometimes made fun of her, what I harshly regret. This all changed one day. I, 17 years old and male from Germany failed an important test. My teacher adviced me to sit next to this one girl, as she is quite good in that subject - so I followed his advice. The problem was, it didn't make me better in that subject, but rather made me talk with that girl during every single lesson. One day, I randomly met her and a friend of her at the train station. What I thought what would be a casual conversation actually resulted in her extensively telling me and her friend how nice, funny and smart I actually am. And to be honest - I'm not used to getting compliments a lot. I have quite a few friends, but not that kind of friends, which would say something like this. I simply thought that those comments were so nice and loveable, what made me have a crush on her ever since that moment.
Fast forward to yesterday. After me and a few friends spent our evening together at a friend's house, we decided to meet up with two other friends who were in a nearby bar. Those two friends actually knew about that crush I had, as I drunkly admitted it to them at a game of Truth or Dare - they thought it was cute, that we would match and wanted to hook us up. After arrival, we sat down, had a few drinks until my crush and her friend, which I mentioned earlier, coincidentally also arrived there. I became all nervous, especially after the female friend of mine, who knew about my love towards that girl said: "This is the best chance you could get. Now or never.". She wanted me to go outside along with my crush, so I can talk with her and admit my feelings. I could not dare to do that. I thought it was hurried. Especially since I never really disclosed my feelings to girls I liked - I never dared, but in the back of my mind I agreed to my friend. I knew I would not get a better chance - but I just could not do that. So without me realizing, those two friends actually asked her if we four could go outside for a moment to have a talk. She agreed. All the sudden, they stand up. My female friend said that I should come. So did I. My nerves and my adrenaline went from zero to a hundred in a single second. In my head, I went through all scenarios and how everything could work out. The friend of mine said he wanted to talk to her first - they go around a corner - I don't know what they said to each other, but this one minute conversation between those two felt like it lasted a year. He comes back and says that it's my turn. Even though I went trough all scenarios, I didn't think about the most important thing. How am I going to say it to her? Awkwardly I confessed to her that I like and think about her a lot. Every single second I wished I wasn't in that situation. She answered she had a boyfriend. That's it. The conversation lasted maybe 20 seconds. Even though I don't think that she actually has a boyfriend, I accepted it. We returned to the bar, she asked if I'd like to sit next to her and she insisted on buying me a drink. I didn't decline as I pretty much knew that I needed it. Everyone who knew what just happened stared at me. After the friend of my crush asked what we four talked about outside, she improvised a flawless story to not let her know what just happened - at least I was shortly reliefed by that as I don't want any more additional people to know what happened, even though that someone confessing their love to someone else is something that happens all the time, I am too afraid to be asked about or even to be laughed at because of that. Awkwardly after passing from bar to bar in a group of maybe 8 people, always along with my crush, I felt like I accepted it. We went back home, I slept at a friend's house along with some other people I went to the bar with. This acceptance quickly turned into me feeling heartbroken and as if I'm in pain. This situation was just too much for me. The friend I slept at knew about what happened. I didn't know what to do and what to think. I just stayed up a long time along with two other guys and erased my pain in a whole lot of alcohol. But ever since we got up again at noon, this pain just wouldn't leave. It is hard to explain. I feel crushed by the thought that I feel like I never had a better chance at actually being together with a girl, but nothing turned out like I wanted it to turn out. The whole day I tried to disguise my pain, but I feel like I can't do that forever. People said to me that it's all okay and that I should just move on, but it is really difficult. I guess some of you can relate to me.
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self.offmychest
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We don't deserve dogs I don't really have much to say and tedious details are boring but I truly think if it wasn't for my dog, I don't think I would be alive right now. Thank you for always being a happy face and wagging tail, you saved me.
Edit : this was my first time posting my own thread on reddit and the response I've gotten from everyone has been overwhelmingly loving. I'm so happy to share my feeling and have people truly understand. It is exactly what I needed to hear. To everyone who left me positive reassurance, to the relatable events and the heart string-pulling stories; you are amazing and thank you for helping me more than I could have imagined.
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self.offmychest
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I'm sorry I'm sorry for being me
I'm sorry for not being good enough
I'm sorry for not being as the rest
I'm sorry for not being able to meet the expectations
I'm sorry for feeling
I'm sorry being alienated from the world
I'm sorry for hurting everybody
I'm sorry for letting everyone down
I'm sorry for not being socially competent
I'm sorry for being worse than everyone else
I'm sorry I can't meet the beauty standards you set
I'm sorry for being fat
I'm sorry for being lazy
I'm sorry that you seem to forget who I really am
I'm sorry for having no true friends
I'm sorry for everything
Again, I'm sorry for being me.
I am to blame, it's the easiest way to express your feelings towards me
Blame me, blame me, please blame me for being me
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self.depression
|
I am lonely Ive sunk low. Its a loneliness on another level, the kind that fucking pierces deep into your soul. The kind that makes you just want to die. I just want someone ANYONE that I can talk to honestly and comfortably. Thats all im asking for. Fuck. My. Life.
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self.depression
|
Im a mess with dreams. How to manage it? Im having a plan. I already started doing in its direction to make this project. I have few people around it already, put last year of my life to it. Also more. In my dreams it seems amazing, it seems something that will really positivelly contribute to the world. But inside the more the project is developing the bigger mess I become. It feels like im loosin myself replacing this urge to make it happen. I left my loved ones. I forgot friends. I started partying to forget and broke up with reltionskips in witch I was loved in order to do it. Im scared I will just destroy myself before I will finish it. Is it even really how you do things? I feel guilty because maybe I should do all do things just together wth someone and stay wth him and maybe I would do even more and better. But some of my stories wouldnt exist than... Please help me.
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self.depression
|
Maybe... The problem with mental illness is that we stigmatize it. We all have our own definition of it. That leads to our perceptions and interpretations of our experiences with it. Are we the mental illness or is it part of us? How can people on the outside understand something they don't feel? This is about human rights- civil, gay, women's, victim's... when will society become aware of the crippling effect their ignorance has on the affected? I suppose it's just like every other fight endured by a minority throughout history. We should support and accept the differences in others. No one should have to live as an outcast. Humanity has failed time and time again to show compassion and be empathetic. Will that fact be the legacy we leave when the last stone is thrown?
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self.bipolar
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My life was ruined the day I was born I hate my parents so much. I can't wait for my dad to die. I won't feel any remorse. I hate him so much. I have never been taken care of in my life. My health problems are weighing me down and will forever prevent me from living a normal life because my parents refused to take action in a timely matter. They're so fucking selfish. I hope they rot in Hell because I'm going to rot for the rest of my life.
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self.depression
|
Any recommendations for SNRIs? Hello all,
I am new to this sub but I’ve been on Effexor for about 2 years now. I am feeling like I’ve just hit a road block and it has stopped working. I highly dislike the withdrawal symptoms like brain zaps I get if I miss one dose, low sex drive, and weight gain. (I know everyone is different and may not experience these).
I have tried SSRIs like Prozac, Paxil, and Celexa and they all gave me horrible urinary incontinence to where I couldn’t even be at work (embarrassing I know for someone who is only 23). So... I am unable to take those. I am hoping someone knows of some other drugs like Effexor that have less side effects? The low sex drive and weight gain have started to make my anxiety and self esteem worse.
Just looking for some reviews of opinions because I need my medication but want to try something different.
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self.Anxiety
|
equus8720 Looking for reliable person in the states with quality etizolam. Any response will be appreciated
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self.Anxiety
|
Finals week of school coming up and I’m so busy stressing over a girl I have no idea how I’m gonna focus I told a girl I loved her a few weeks ago and I didn’t really get the same thing back. It’s a very complicated situation but basically I’ve felt like she’s been pushing me away. We’ve been such great friends before this and if anything I can’t get the constant thought of our friendship deteriorating out of my head. I’ve tried to talk to her about it but she insists that what I said hasn’t changed anything between us.
Here I am with 4 final exams next week and a presentation. I have absolutely no clue how I’m gonna buckle down and focus nonetheless for hours on end. Just doing schoolwork today I couldn’t focus for more than 10 minutes without my mind wandering off about how great me and her have been in the past, what could have been, and why things can’t just go back to the way they were. I would just get so down on myself and sick to my stomach. What do I do?
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self.Anxiety
|
Road trip car anxiety Hi everyone,
I'm lucky in the regard that I don't normally suffer from anxiety.
However, my friends and I take road trips around the state every few months (I am always a passenger) that are 2 or more hours driving. Whilst on our way to do something fun (music festival, theme park, camping etc), I immediately remember just how dangerous it is to drive- especially in Florida. I also irrationally think that somehow, the fun I'm about to have with my friends is something I don't deserve. I am convinced after about an hour in the car that we're destined to crash. Even if it were just bad enough to total the car and put a halt to our plans, but usually I think we're all gonna die. Silly right?
I never used to feel this way, I'd go on cross country road trips with family as a kid and loved it. This fear has progressively worsened over the past 3 years or so. But every one of these rides I'm so tense the whole time in "crash position" and closing my eyes so hard as to not look at the road, speedometer, etc. Basically forgetting to breathe and almost throwing up.
How will I reverse this?
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self.Anxiety
|
confusion so, for the past few weeks I’ve been feeling a lot more suicidal. it’s not good, but it’s the truth. My therapist is condescending and doesn’t help much, and my meds don’t work but I can’t see a psychiatrist for another month. my parents are always fighting, my mother hates me, there’s nothing going my way, and I just don’t see the point in doing this anymore. What am I living for, i haven’t even got any friends or a significant other. To top it all off, it’s Christmas so I see everyone happy with their families while I wonder why that isn’t me. I want to end it, but at the same time my dad and brother are leaving for vacation tomorrow and if things turn out badly and I end up in the hospital... i know it’ll fucking get worse due to the guilt I feel for ruining their trip. what do i do.
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self.depression
|
Divorce help This might be the wrong sub, but I've posted here before and gotten help so I trust y'all. I know I'm not alone in this, but my dad just told me that he and my mum are getting a divorce. I was hoping for some words of advice or general care. My little sis isn't taking it well and my depression doesn't help me be able to be strong for her. If any of y'all want to comment on this your personal experience and/or any help you'd have for a kid with a little sis to look after, I'd appreciate it. Maybe someone else is experiencing this too and could use the help just like me.
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self.depression
|
Wellbutrin Hey all. Today is my 33rd day of taking wellbutrin and have not felt any side effects or benefits yet. Anyone else here experience this but eventually got better?
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self.depression
|
Writing some Most of my trouble circles around the fact that I have a difficult time getting out of bed.
First, I haven't really liked socializing with the family that I'm living with and they're here most of the time obviously so I feel kind of limited to my room. I haven't had money for gas or misc. to get out and go where I want. If I just had money I think I would be okay.
Besides that I spend most of my time on technology and it leaves me feeling pretty tired..... I get stuck in these dumb headspaces where I don't know what to do. I don't really want to paint, play sax, or read much literature. Most everything seems super unappealing to me except money.
The thoughts in my head get overwhelming.
The past two days have had good parts, though, because I drove around a lot and listened to music.
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self.depression
|
I died and spent my birthday at the psychiatric ward This is it.
I died.
I've been trying to battle depression for a long time.
I even tried moving away from my country to restart it all over again.
It all failed.
Spending my summer vacations at my home country I met my boyfriend, who clicked with me as soon as we met, and it was like we were meant to be.
I cancelled my flight back. I moved back to my home country. For him. All for him.
All the stress of dealing with depression while moving countries, I was enduring it all.
But he couldn't stand my depression.
Once my moving was done I was starting to settle down he broke up with me.
I lost not only the life I built over 4 years abroad but also the guy I thought to be the love of my life.
My depression intensified and this is where I died. My soul, my heart, everything inside me died.
Then I tried to kill my body.
My parents found me, spent some days at the intensive care unit and then 10 days in a psychiatric ward (aka prison) being punished for a crime I didn't commit
This all while he walked away happily playing his nintendo switch I gave him since he was free from the burden of a depressed girlfriend.
I spent my birthday at the psychiatric ward.
Alone.
Now for my security, my family has me, a 26 year old, locked home, nailed windows, no money, no locks in the doors, can't leave home alone
There's nothing left for me to leave
I really want to suicide
I can't do anything and everything is painful, I cry all the day and everything hurts
I'm so scared of the psychiatric ward
I dont want to fail suicide and end up there again
I've been so drugged by psychiatrists
My boyfriend murdered me on that kind of murder where nobody dies and walked away happily while I was left dead and broken
Tl;dr bf broke up with me and fucked up with my life
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self.offmychest
|
At the entrance of the void It's gotten to the point where I don't want to live anymore. Nothing about my current life is worth the anxiety and frustration. What is wrong with me? I don't know how I allowed myself to get to this point. I'm so disappointed in myself. I'm disgusted.
Even the simplest of tasks are excruciating for me and not rewarding in the least. Sometimes I feel like I should have killed myself a long time ago to save myself and everyone else the trouble. I hate myself.
I want to die.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Anyone else want to overdose into a coma but not really die??? I’ve been having suicidal ideation but at the root of it I kinda realize I don’t want to die I just want things to be quiet for a while? Maybe that would fix things? Anyone else have this distorted thinking of wanting to overdose but not quite enough to die
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My problem is so vague yet specific at the same time and I just can’t anymore Context: I live in a country in the Middle East. Also, girl.
I’m going to explode.. I can’t take it anymore, I’ve cried about this too many times. I’ve talked to my mother about this. Talking to her helps a bit but I feel like such a loser who only has their mum to turn to.
So my problem is so vague, I don’t know to explain it really, but I’ll try. Please don’t make fun of me.
Nobody knows what I’m talking about. Ever. Not in the way that I can’t talk English or anything, but that apparently no one has heard before of anything I bring up. See how vague (and badly phrased) it is?? Some examples.
At school, the centre of almost EVERY conversation is various Entertainment. Movies, TV shows, music. Whenever someone brings any show/band etc. up, everybody seems to have heard of it or is THE. BIGGEST. FAN. of that thing.
Unless that person is me. Example:
P1: “Seen any good movies lately?”
P2:“yeah is saw Pitch Perfect 3 last week”
P1:“Cool, I saw that too!”
P3:”I saw Atomic Blonde a while ago”
P1+P2:”*Niceeeee”
Me: “Well, I saw Dunkirk with my dad and sister.”
P1, P2, and P3: “What’s that?”
And I’m left SO SO embarrassed. Like an absolute outsider. The things I mention are just as popular as the things they do, and somehow they haven’t heard of them.
P1:What music do you listen to?
P2: Alice In Chains, Radiohead, and Muse sometimes.
And everyone knows who they are and agrees. But when I mentioned Gorillaz.. silence.
Just silence and a “Who is that?”.
Here’s a screenshot of another example of this. And this is another example. (The “honestly same” is a response to “I love Eminem”)
I don’t make any obscure references, because that’s just bad social skills. I just mentioned my interests when it’s relevant. And all I get back is “I’ve never heard of them/that”.
Here’s a more extreme example: last month, it was Finland’s hundredth birthday. I didn’t and don’t expect anyone to know that, it’s not common knowledge. So I decided to tell them, as sort of a joke or something. Well guess what the response to “hey guys it’s Finland’s 100th birthday today haha” was?
.
.
.
.
.
.
“Who’s that?”
They didn’t know what Finland was.
-
I wish I wasn’t lying when I tell you that I immediately started crying. I mean, I passed it of as laughing at first, but then I ran to the bathroom and broke down. I was so embarrassed. I don’t think I should have been, because THEY were the ones who didn’t know what Finland was (and thought it was a person), but I felt like such a loser.
I know you might think “they were being sarcastic, silly!” But the thing Reddit seems to not understand is that in real life, you can when people are kidding or being sarcastic. These people weren’t. Not at all.
It’s so lonely not having anyone who shares my interests. I also wish movies and music weren’t what everyone always talks about at school. And I also wish I lived somewhere else. But that’s not the point. I have a great family, and a couple friends, even.
Please please please don’t mock me.
I just re-read everything I wrote, and I sounds so cringeworthy. I completely understand if you are gonna make fun, but I really wish you wouldn’t.
Cheers.
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self.offmychest
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I'm in love with someone who is too rich for me [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I'm keeping myself from being happy. Hey everyone. I just want to start this off by saying I've lied about my age on here and I'm younger than what i've said, although not by much. I go to High School, and the last few days of break have made me realize something: Aside from depression, I'm what is keeping myself from being happy. I'm dedicating all free time to playing video games and I rarely even socialize with my family or friends, besides the occasional movie in the latter. I guess what I'm asking is, what can I change? I want to spend less time doing that but he'll if I know what else to do during this season in particular. Maybe hit the gym a few times a week? Read a bit? Study some more for that upcoming test? I'd still be isolated in most of those, and I think I really just want to do something more social despite not being outgoing. I might start asking more often if friends want to hang out more ofte. Spending more time playing games with my family or watching a movie or something. I don't know. Hope I actually do something that I've spoken about and don't just forget about this. This went on for a while, sorr. This is more a rant I guess.
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self.offmychest
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