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I did it! I am so proud of myself! Today, I scheduled my first dentist appointment in *years* ! I've been putting this off for so long and, actually, someone from this sub inspired me to do it!
I am *not* letting my anxiety ruin my dental health! Please, see the dentist, if you can! Do some research on them, too. Look at all the online reviews for each dentist and you'll be surprised that people are in the same boat as you. (Some haven't even gone in a decade!)
My next obstacle, though, is braving through a root canal, filling, and possibly an extraction. Honestly, I really want to be able to chew my food like a normal person, so that goal alone should calm me down if I keep focused on it. And the fear of dying of an infection. Here's to good dental health! Lol
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self.Anxiety
|
Rejected from every university I applied to As the title says, I applied to numerous universities in Ireland (home country) as well as the Netherlands and was rejected from everywhere. I was hoping to study Comp Sci and due to my poor high school results I was rejected from every Irish university that I had applied to. I'd like to think I'm able for University intelligence-wise (I attended a gifted youth program when I was younger but haven't had my iq tested recently so I don't know the specifics). My final year of high school was rough as I learned throughout my entire schooling my inability to concentrate was caused by undiagnosed ADD which I only began taking Ritalin for in Novemeber 2016 halfway through the final year. Then in January my grandad died and between the pressure of trying to learn how to study as I hadn't been able to before, dealing with the loss of my grandad and trying to balance out seven subjects, I didn't manage very well in the final exams. I then took a maths exam in the summer in attempt to get accepted to some dutch universities as I had taken lower level maths in high school (I need to have passed higher level maths or equivalent to in order to be accepted to courses in the science and engineering faculty), failed that. Attempted it again this past December, failed it again but only marginally. I'm now feeling really lost and rather empty thinking about the fact that everyone I know got into their chosen universities, whilst I've been rejected from everywhere, unable to get into any courses and feeling more depressed as the days go on. I really don't know where to go from here, it honestly just feels super shitty :( If anyone else here has been in a similar situation I'd love to hear what you did and how you overcame the situation. This post feels a bit whingy to me but it's somewhat relieving to just vent my thoughts somewhere.
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self.depression
|
i cant wait until im no longer a prisoner on this stupid earth.
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self.depression
|
Want to make money? I'll pay you to kill me. It'll be clean and easy. I'll sign an agreement and everything. I just want someone to do it for me...... Please?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Stupid over sharing! I have an issue with impulsiveness with leads to me over sharing sometimes. This usually happens when I am excited or really upset, like today.
My coworkers started talking, again, about the sexual assault/harassment claims being made about famous people. Saying some really ignorant crap about how the 14 yo should have spoken up when it happened, who cares if bill Cosby raped those girls he is old as dirt now so leave him alone!!!
I got really upset and said "it happened to me 20 years ago and never told anyone." And was told I should have said something then. I just walked off before I could say anything that would lead to a bigger problem. Like me cussing her the fuck out.
Anyway. I never should have said anything, and I'm upset at myself for over sharing again, and I told one coworker about it before sobim 50% sure she is going to tell the others after they tell her what I said (she wasn't there at the time) and I frustrated. With them and myself.
Why tell people who think Bill Cosby should be forgiven for RAPING woman because he is old mow? That they are coming out because they want money?
Ignorant ass mother fuckers.
Funny thing is, the girl I talked to about it has said a couple times she can't trust me, but I have never told anyone anything she has told me, and she is going to tell the other coworker I just have that feeling.
I mean, can you trust someone who doesn't trust you? No.
Ally fault for over sharing because I got upset.
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self.offmychest
|
Depression switches on/off Depression off:
I am smiling, I am happy, I am grateful with my friends and family.
Depression on:
No one wants me, always hard to adjust, fucking I want to kill myself for not being someone to be proud of, society tells me "you dont need to be someone else" but its the other way around, when I like someone it always ended up awkward, I can't express my thoughts, I want to hang myself to see if they regretted something that they never did for me, I want to kill myself if they will cry for me, I want to kill myself to end this misserable life.
Discovered I have depression way back in highschool, turns okay in college, then it came back right after graduating. Why do I have to battle this shit everyday? What did I do to fucking get this? Family is my only reason for living.
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self.depression
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I just want to drop off the face of the earth I have people who want me and love me, but I cant stand to be around any of them. I don’t know why. I just want to disappear from all of them. I want to just go somewhere that’s not familiar, somewhere where I don’t have any ties. A fresh start. I don’t know why I feel this way. Or if I even know where to go. Or anything....I just want to disappear.....
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self.offmychest
|
I love you, but please let me go. I’m trapped. I can’t sleep, I’m losing weight because I have no desire to eat anymore, my heart always beats so hard. I feel so tired both physically and mentally. I’m scared to talk to you. The thought of you fills me with dread, I get sick to my stomach. We’re fire and ice. We’ll never mix.
You know I love you. I love what we had. I always do the wrong thing, I can’t get it right. You say such horrible things when we argue. They echo in my head even when you’re not there. I hear your voice. I want to run. I can’t remember the last time I felt truly happy in your presence or the last time seeing your name light up my phone brought me joy.
You say it’s all my fault. I know I’ve done wrong, I’m not perfect. I’ll never understand why you want to be in a relationship with me. I’ll never understand why you don’t want to let me go. I remember our drunken shambles stumbling over the bridge. I remember the first time you told me you loved me. I remember believing that I meant the world to you.
We’re not those people anymore. I’m holding on to something that doesn’t exist anymore. Perhaps you are too.I told you I’d think of you when it rained. It’s raining now, and it reminds me of what we had and I miss it. I’ve turned you into a monster. This poison is slowly seeping the life out of me. I’m running out of reasons as to why I’m still with you. I feel constant guilt. If things don’t change soon, please let me go. I love you, but please let me go. This is hell for the both of us.
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self.offmychest
|
Why do I care about the hurt people will feel if I kill myself? I'm been suicidal since I was 13 (I'm 20 now), but recently it's been just outright awful. I've had 2 suicide attempts (the first one, I took around 15 pills of Tylenol only to wake up the next day perfectly fine; the second one I attempted to tie a noose and hang it on some tree but I failed miserably). These attempts were when I was 15 and 16. The problem now is I think too much, I really want to kill myself but the pain it would cause to my family holds me back.
My family is really supportive, and I fucking hate it. I wish I was born in a crappy household or was kicked out of the house when I was 18 so I wouldn't have a problem killing myself. If my suicide attempts were successful people would have been over it by now, so fuck you Tylenol.
I find no meaning in living, I don't want to live and I don't want to try to be happy. I have virtually everything I want (loving family, enrolled in a university, upper-middle class, etc.) but none of this helps. My parents try to keep telling me to be thankful for what I have, but honestly I wish I was that kid that didn't have a loving family. I'm not here in really looking for help with my problem, I'm currently on anti-depressant medication called "Bupropion" but that isn't doing shit, nor is therapy.
I become very anxious when I think about my future too. I've been a programmer since I was 13 and am pretty good at math, but when I think about what a programming job would be like it makes me feel even worse. How the fuck can someone program for hours on end non-stop? I have no other real talents, and I have no motivation to do anything. I don't have confidence and I'm also lonely. I cry pretty much every night angry that I can't leave this world. I want to be able to erase all memories of me so I can kill myself in peace. I'm a waste, why can't I trade places with someone who's terminally ill and wants to live?
Why the fuck do I care about how my family and close friends would feel if I killed myself? Like I'm going to be dead. Once I'm dead I won't be able to feel shit. I don't want to be alive and I don't see why suicide is so "looked-down upon." I understand it's fucking permanent, THAT'S THE POINT. I know what being dead entails, why must I "try to get better" instead of "convince my family suicide is my only option"? There's no inherent value in life. People kill other people, we kill animals, animals kill us, environmental disasters wipe us out, etc. So what's so bad about a single life? Why is it fucking impossible for people to accept the fact that suicide is my only choice? And how the fuck is suicide selfish, it's MY OWN LIFE. I wish I wasn't here and the fucking OD on Tylenol killed me. Next time I make an attempt to kill myself I'll be sure to jump off an extremely high building and keep my neck up as I'm falling.
I've tried talking to my therapist, saying that the solution would be having the ability to convince my family that I don't want to be imprisoned anymore. It's selfish that they want me to stay alive "for them."
I need to die, but it's very difficult for me to actually kill myself when I'm imagining my mother crying profusely. If God was real, my prayers would have been answered by now. Half a decade of praying to God to let me not wake up the next morning should have been enough. And I really hope God is not real, because if Heaven and Hell are real and I'm forced to be alive "eternally," then what the actual fuck.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Got my diagnosis... but could it be BPD? I guess this probably comes up a lot - I know Bipolar and BPD are often confused, etc. After years of just being a complete fucking goddamn mess, I finally went to see a real therapist and got diagnosed Bipolar Wednesday. Already have PTSD and OCD, this is just an addition to my mental ferris wheel of terror. Thought I was fairly fine, thought it made sense because there's a family history (my mom, my sister)... I went to the therapist because my suicidal thoughts have been getting bad again and I know what happens when they get bad, essentially. Thought I was taking the right step...
Cue huge fucking breakdown today over practically nothing, just like a tidal wave I was suppressing finally overcame me and pushed me the fuck over. Sitting in my bed, pulsating, hyperventilating, typing out these incoherent posts on tumblr about the world sending me signs to kill myself etc. Overcome by intrusive thoughts but they're coming at me so fast I can barely decipher them, scared I might hurt myself because I want to, scared I might hurt someone else because I DON'T want to... ask my mom to take me to the ER. We go but I don't go in because she doesn't want me to. So I come home and get drunk instead so I can sleep (a concept I have a tenuous relationship, stay awake for 30+ hours, sleep for 15 hours, rinse, repeat, never stable, constantly changing by the week).
I feel too much and nothing at all, all the time. I'm angry and irritable and scared and tired and empty and bursting at the seams all at the same time. I'm fucking impossible to tolerate. I'm an empty cavern leading down, down, down into a frayed nerve - touch me, see me and I might burst into fucking flames or I might do nothing at all.
I guess my question is... I thought I was depressed, but this seems manic... but I thought episodes were supposed to last a long time? Aren't short episodes more of a BPD thing than a bipolar thing? Or could I be in a mixed state (something I hadn't heard about until tonight, doing research on google)? Is this what mixed state feels like?
Frankly it's hard to tell when an episode ends and begins because I can't remember the last time I felt normal. I've been irritable and hard to live with for at least a year. I've been trying to self destruct since high school - eating disorders, promiscuity, cutting. This behavior, I guess, seems BPDish but a huge part of BPD that I lack is the fear of abandonment - if anything, I purposely try to get people to abandon me because I enjoy the comfort of KNOWING where I'm at with people. If we're friends, I don't trust you. If we're enemies, I know what's up. Hate is a sure thing but hope is fucking scary.
Sometimes the lows are so low I stay in bed for a few days. Sometimes the highs are so high I start flashing my tits on cam and block all of my friends on social media because I decide they're fake and secretly hate me. Lately, it's both at once or one after the other every few hours - I go from "everyone hates you, die die die" in the back of my head to "everyone hates you, fuck them, they're fucking garbage let's just get high" in the span of like, hours. This is why I decided to go to the therapist - this super intense rapid changing... I've gone through phases of rapid up-down-up-down like this before but usually only for a few days. This has been going on for months.
So... sound like BPD or sound like Bipolar? Seeing the therapist again on Wednesday... until then I'm in shambles and I don't even know what's FUCKING going on and I hate it.
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self.bipolar
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Me being a coward is contributing to my depression [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Can anyone help me I’m having a break down atm
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self.Anxiety
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Hallucinations outside of episodes Hi. I’m scared and need some advice. I’m experiencing some bad stuff. The last couples of nights, I have had some bad nightmares where I wake up screaming and near panic / going into a panic attack. Mostly it’s variations of being killed by / eat by demons and similar. I also dream that my daughters are eaten before my eyes, and then a demon consumes my soul. This comes and goes. What has changed is that after I wake up, I’m convinced that there are dead people in the room next to our bedroom. More particularly, a woman and a small girl. I picture them in my mind, how they look, how they died etc. Last night it got so bad I sent my wife to check if she could see something. The third time I asked, near panic, she went and of course didn’t see a thing. I went, and I could see them. At that point I’d been awake for about 30 minutes.
My question is; how common/uncommon is it to experience hallucinations outside of an episode? I’m not manic/hypomanic or very depressed at the moment. I’m talking to my pdoc later this week, but I’m worried what he will say and do.
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self.bipolar
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Feeling worse after ECT I just started ECT last week and I had my second treatment today. I feel way more depressed than my usual (getting ECT for mixed states) and have spent the whole afternoon crying in bed. I hate that it’s causing me such terrible memory issues. And I feel super anxious and depressed. The idea of doing this for up to 12 treatments sounds horrible. I see my therapist tomorrow so I’m going to ask her about it but I don’t know if I can do this anymore.
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self.bipolar
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I need quick advice, about to hangout 1 on1 with my crush [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I don't really have anyone I want to tell this to, so here it goes. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Please help i dont know what to do Hey so i feel really awful right now because when i was 16 i used to send nudes to people who were much older than me and to people who were as young as 13 and they would send nudes back to me, it never turned me on or made me horny or whatever but i just feel awful because i did those things and i don’t understand why i did them, i only now realize that what i did was wrong and i feel really suicide and like shit because of it, i dont know what to do.
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self.depression
|
What are some ways you calm your nerves? I have a job interview tomorrow afternoon, and I am absolutely terrified. I've actually been sick, I'm that scared. It's been over a year since my last interview or anything of this sort, so I don't know what to do, or how to stop being stressed.
What are some ways that you guys calm your nerves, and do you have any advice of what to do once I'm actually in the interview to keep myself calm?
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self.Anxiety
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What to do to get over fear of failure? I’m realizing this is where most of my anxiety stems from. I can’t get a job because of my anxiety but I think it’s because I’m afraid of literally any failure. How can I get over this?
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self.Anxiety
|
i just want to erase my memories of him and all our times together I am so fucking tired of secretly wanting to be together again. i will never let it happen. but a fucking stupid part of me wants him, our closeness... the thing was he was the only one who understood the trauma i went through and i could be myself only when i was with him. i cant even breathe comfortably when i am with anyone else.
anyway, i am just tired of thinking about him and wishing he would reply, that i am wishing i could erase my memory of the past 7-8 years with him
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self.offmychest
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I think lamictal has made me unable to feel anxiety... and it has NOT been a good thing. Anyone else so apathetic? I have mentioned to my friends several times this semester without much more though that I am so burnt out from university I feel COMPLETELY apathetic towards things I should be pretty concerned about.
The biggest example is studying for exams. I get no healthy amount of pre-exam anxiety to the point that Im not studying effectively. I've actually failed one of my finals this week already (though there were other factors involved). Its sort of like a lack of motivation but it’s different than that of ADHD and depression because it's not frustrating and it has nothing to do with my mental/physical energy. It’s just that I couldn’t be bothered and actually FORGET I need to be studying because that worry is not sitting there in the back of my mind like an alarm on snooze. I start studying way too late, and when I'm studying I have no sense of urgency. So together, I end up not getting through entire sections in time before the exam.
Don’t get me wrong, I 100% realize I’m setting myself up for trouble. The consequences of me failing courses will give me every other negative emotion you can get--worthlessness, anger, self-deprivation, suicideality. I VERY much still feel a full range of emotions... just no anxiety/worry/fear. So I KNOW it will be bad but I can’t find anything in me NOW before it has happened in order to do anything about it. I’m worried in a practical sense, but I’m not *worrying* that I’ll have to re-take the whole year if I fail. I’m not *worrying* about the massive amount of extra debt and the potential impacts on my career.
Based on the fact that this has suddenly gone from "huh, that's weird" to "shit this is actually REALLY" bad and might fuck up my life right now," and also the severity of just how inappropriate a response this is to finals, I don't think I can just write it off as burn-out anymore. My first thought is that it's from lamictal since it's the one drug I'm on that fits the right timing. (FYI I am currently on 200 mg but I'm not getting any cognitive dullness and it has really helped with BP.) Has anyone else possibly had a similar experience? The inability to feel anxiety?
Any suggestions for me? I am almost done with the classwork/*relentlessly clustered deadlines with no opportunity for recovery* part of school, and as I'm going into a more mellow subspecialty in medicine, I'm not sure I can think of a time in my future where this might have such a severe impact. Also having no anxiety obviously has its benefits and isnt NEARLY as disruptive as having anxiety. So unless anyone has an experience saying otherwise I think I just need to try to make it through the last semester of formal exams next spring?? Or is this going to be bad enough in ways I'm not considering that I should try something else?
I just thought I'd ask if anyone has felt this because I'm not sure I've heard of this before...
TLDR: I think lamictal has killed my ability to feel anxiety, because I'm having none of the pre-exam anxiety you need to effectively and successfully get through finals week. I know once I face any negative consequences I'm going to have a ROUGH time as for the rest of my mood (which is very much functional), I'm still just incredibly apathetic toward stress. I'm just wondering if anyone has had a similar experience and if you think this might be enough of a problem in future situations (not involving stacks of exams) that I should consider other options?
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self.bipolar
|
I want to die I took a gap year before starting University. During that gap year I felt myself die inside, it's a queer sensation to describe, something I've never been able to adequately put into words, but it's like I've somehow become less intelligent, I'm constantly doubting the definitions of words I've known for years, I'm rendered unable to enjoy books I previously loved because of this, I seem unable to process and understand scientific concepts as easily as I used to, my maths isn't as formidable as it used to be. Whatever 'it' was, I lost it.
I've never been good, socially, that is. Found it awkward to interact with new people, despite this I've developed a good friend group, well, that I would previously have described as good. I thought I was making headway with my roommates, and, the truth is I simply don't know anymore. I feel like a burden on everybody, I'm far too awkward and weird. I feel like everybody hates me, no matter how much they tell me otherwise. I developed a crush on my roommate which she consequently found out about, which we discussed over messenger, an action prompted by one of my other roommates putting something in the group-chat. It was the most soul-eviscerating, un-fulfilling moments of recent memory. I want to talk about it more, as a consequence of what was said I can't bring it up again. She accused me of avoiding her when it feels like that's all she does with me, our friendship, in contrast with everybody else's feels so woefully deficient, so empty, so awkward I want to cry. The worst part, I was the one to make it awkward. I've told a few people I want to kill myself, I've even written a note, I couldn't think of what to say. It's not my best work. I've told them and I still want to.
Any enjoyment I derive from life is usually on a night out, usually after drinking. A habit which I'm futilely raging against, I can't seem to stop. The next morning I'm greeted by that yawning darkness, that pernicious self-doubt which is systematically killing me from the inside. I don't sleep, I can't eat, I can't enjoy my hobbies anymore I'm an absolute emotional, loathsome, drunken wreck who can't seem to forge meaningful relationships. I'm just tired, not as in I need more sleep, which I do need, but I'm just so very tired, with uni, with everything. Never had a girlfriend, never kissed anyone... I talk and I talk with people and it isn't helping anymore.... I know everybody would be better off without me. My roommates have to put up with me for the rest of this year and are tied to me for the next. My parents, I suppose, would miss me, but I think they'd get over it when they realise how enhanced their lives are without me. I can't think of a reason to stay.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Wait...was I being treated for psychosis? Maybe you guys can help me with this med question?
My BP has been in remission for about 3 years, but that was after I found a good medication. For like 7 years before that I was on the med merry-go-round. During what was probably my worst and longest depressive episode, they switched me to clozapine. Clozapine didn't help. I was only on it for a short time.
My prolonged remission allowed me to get an education and a career. I'm a mental health professional now (NOT a doctor) and as I read my clients' charts, I'm seeing clozapine is usually not prescribed unless the person has psychosis. Is it ever prescribed for a plain old depressive episode?
So, no one ever diagnosed me with psychosis to my face (that I can remember). They would have to tell me, right? I'll admit I had some weird things going on at the time, but they feel like they were valid concerns. Is it possible that they were treating me for symptoms of psychosis and I just had no insight into my own delusions?
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self.bipolar
|
I’m ending it tonight Between my car being stolen a few days ago, financial struggles, battling anxiety and depression and feeling worthless and overwhelmed, I don’t know how much more I can take. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone anymore so I will just take my life tonight. I know it is a selfish move with dire consequences but I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like a failure and you all don’t know me but I just wanted to speak my mind.
So long.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I have annoying twitch and can occur anywhere on my body. If my left hand twitches I gotta replicate it EXACTLY the same on my right hand. Same with any finger or shoulder or any foot movement etc I HAVE to replicate it the same way on the opposite side otherwise I feel so tense. Any help with this? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Effexor: make anyone else really sick??? So what I'm trying to figure out now is if I am actually sick or if it's just this drug. I've been taking effexor for almost a month (at the lowest dose, 37.5mg XR) and almost immediately I noticed loss of appetite and nausea. Since then I've almost constantly felt nauseated, rarely hungry, and that weird dizzy-nauseated combo that makes my brain foggy and compels me to hide in bed until it passes.
I can tolerate side effects for a little while, but it's been 3+ weeks of this. Did anyone else feel really sick from effexor for a longer period of time, or could it be that I happened to actually pick up some illness around the same time? Lol.
Thanks!
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self.depression
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Is it really necessary to sacrifice my entire life for my grown children? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Due to horrible past ( domestic abusive relationship) I now have anxiety and panic attacks . I got mailed LOA papers. Anyone else? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Anyone know how to find out if someone died in Israel? I'm very far from Israel and she's a friend. I'm very worried about her.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Relying on the tangible to help with the intangible I have an extensive history with chronic depression and crippling anxiety but my most recent downfall has been by far my worst. I'm at a point where I know that I will have to deal with severe bouts of depression for the rest of my life and I no longer care to fight it any more. I even attempted to end it last week with all the meds I could find in my house. I didn't have the gall to find out if there truly is life after this life but I wish I did. Now, for whatever reason, my mind has decided that I need to stay alive because I own so much stuff and I want to continue getting new stuff but deep down I know it's just a superficial lie to try to extend the inevitable. I tell loved ones I'm starting to "feel better" but my mentality hasn't truly changed from my lowest point. I'm lying to myself in the hopes that I will actually find a real reason to live but I know there isn't one. Does anyone else have some bullshit reason they're still alive just so they don't end it yet?
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self.depression
|
Up to 150mg Effexor, any experiences?? Or any other medication? I recently started taking medication for my depression/anxiety/whatever else I could have earlier this year in April. After being on zoloft for 6 ish months and it not working I got switched to Effexor. Transitioning to it was the worst, my suicidal thought were screaming instead of whispering.
Anyways i’m currently on 150 and just wondering if anyone has had previous experience with effexor, positive or negative, or just medication in general.
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self.depression
|
Is anyone else unable to feel stress or fear from depression? I know depression and and anxiety go together, but school just doesn't get to me like it does to my peers. I guess once you consider suicide anything less than life and death is just kinda trivial.
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self.depression
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Oh, I am done I am in this weird done numb place. I've been here for awhile tbh. All week I have thought about dying and rn I am drunk and it sounds great. Bc who would miss me? My fake friends that text me every once in a while to fill their conscience? Or my family that let me get abused? So yeah, I think I'm going to try to kill myself again (not my first attempt) and hopefully it's my last 😊 I hope you all get what you're looking for in life.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Recently diagnosed This is mostly just a post to share things I feel like I cannot share with people I know in person. Please feel free to share your experiences and anything non-medicinal (apps, books, etc.) that you've found helpful!
My psychiatrist diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and comorbid borderline personality disorder last month. At first, I was shocked at the idea that I had bipolar disorder. People who had been close to me suggested that I had this problem over the years, and I always told them I really didn't think so. I've done a lot more research since the diagnosis and have learned things I didn't know before (i.e. there are different types of bipolar disorder - which made sense since my doctor said I didn't seem to experience full manic episodes but still reported symptoms and behavior related to mania). I'm starting to come to terms with it more. Historically, I've resisted mental health treatment despite the urging of friends and family, or started it and quickly abandoned it without the permission of a doctor. I want to feel better, though. I'm trying to stick with my psychiatrist's treatment plan - I've already wanted to give up in this last month - and am currently waiting for my initial therapy appointment at the same facility.
I'm glad to have found this community because I feel so much less alone now after going through some posts. I didn't know what was happening before, just that my life seemed like a disaster most of the time, and I didn't understand why or have any idea how to make things better. No one I knew was able to relate to me; I felt like some alien being. After the initial shock wore off, it's been a relief to have some idea of what's been going on.
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self.bipolar
|
Need help forgetting my past and looking ahead. Be me, 18 year old guy in highschool.
Got good grades
Am going to college with scholarships
Dating a wonderful girl who loves me a lot
Working a good job with money
I can recognize all these things as positives in my life and i’m happy when i’m with my girlfriend and doing things i like but about 9 months ago i broke up with my first serious girlfriend who cheated on me and lied to me, she broke my heart and made me very depressed for a long time. I’ve slowly recovered and i have less and less panic attacks and depressed feelings but it seems like the smallest sort of fuck up i do whether it be with friends, my girlfriend, parents, or strangers(im a cashier) i just get overwhelmingly depressed and think back to my ex and it’s like all the feelings she’s made me feel wash over me and make me start worrying and feeling god awful.
It’s also important to note she slept with about 7 other guys while we were together(that i know of) some good friends and others complete strangers. I let it happen because i kept telling myself that she truly loves me when she didn’t.
It’s not been a huge issue but it makes me scared of what might happen if i don’t get help, i’ve not told my family how bad it gets to me but only a few select friends know.
Maybe i just need to vent but it all comes back eventually and i just really want you guys to give me some tips on what i should do.
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self.depression
|
what's the best way to get more confidence when talking in front of others?
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self.Anxiety
|
I have no faith in humanity & santa claus aint real.. because if he was, he'd giv me the courage to jump already
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self.SuicideWatch
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What if I can't ever forgive myself I could have a happy family, me, her and my kid, yet i screwed it all up. When I heard that she was pregnant was fucking happy that i cried, we started to name our kid. But then paranoia hit, we are in a long distance relationship, we are both young and don't really have a real job, i'm afraid that we can't take care of the kid, since she's already a single mom, and her son is only 3, she can't take care of another one alone, and my circumstance does not allow me move in with her anytime soon. I suggest abortion, she didn't say much and went to an abortion clinic by herself. She told me next day she already did it, she did not want to affect my life, i knew that she was hurt but she didn't show it. I regretted that decision every single day since then. Flash forward a few month, i was determined to work my ass off so i can afford everything for us and that situation would never repeat again. But the time I spent at work is the time i couldn't spend with her, I couldn't be there when she needed me. She started to think I not loving her anymore, and begin to stop loving me. Until 1 day, she said she no longer have feeling for me and want to break up. The one girl who i love more than myself, the one girl who i change everything just to have a future with her, the one girl who love me so much she doesn't care what people say about us, and I hurt her so much that she stop loving me.
It's been more than 1 month now, I still keep up with my work and school, but I lost all motivation to go on. Everyday, I blame myself for everything, I hate myself so much, I just can't forgive myself. I'm not a good person, I can hurt someone else if it for my own gain, but I can't hurt someone I love. I can't live like this, I just can't. I tried to lie to myself that I'm over it and working make me stop thinking about it. But the dream haunt me, it make my guilt come back. I don't know how long I can keep this up anymore.
I don't know what to do. People told me just accept it as a lesson and move on, but I can't do it, I try. People said it gonna take time, I don't think i can last until then or not.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Want to talk to someone who lost their parent to suicide in childhood. I know it's really specific but I just want to talk to someone with whom I can share my experience with.
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self.depression
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It bothers me how Drake says "I need a one dance" [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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SELF-CARE SUNDAY Sorry its been so long! But here it is!
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self.bipolar
|
That 4 letter word Love. I’ve never known what love is until I met her. Growing up depressed most of my life I’ve always wondered what that magical 4 letter word truly meant. I regularly envied couples walking, hand in hand, with a gleeful aura radiating the room, fascinated with what they had that I could never find, let alone comprehend. How could they be so happy, so contented, so joyful with one another’s company. Up until I met her I loathed everything about myself. My appearance, my personality, even my outlook on life were all bleak and would keep me in bed most of the day. Everyday I’d wake up merely just a warm body who’s existence comprised of binge eating and drinking just to temporarily dull the pain. Bills were never paid on time, lingering medical issues were ignored and friendships were tarnished. The lifestyle I had was going to kill me by 40 and I didn’t have any cares in the world. Then I met her. She introduced me to a life I never knew existed. Deep beneath the depression was a little voice crying for help that everyone else seemed to overlook, except for her. I now have a life worth living. There was always a light at the end of the tunnel but it never got any closer. Now that light is bigger and brighter than ever before. I still have a long ways to go but now I have the motivation and perseverance to see this journey through. Although she is no longer in my life she left a lasting impression that will forever always be there. I not only fell in love with her but with myself as well. Thank you Lauren.
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self.depression
|
how am I supposed to not kill myself when my life is shit and isn’t gonna get better? [deleted]
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self.depression
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I want to die and I can't get the pain to stop [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
January 11th I'm going to try to summarize my situation.
I was emotionally and physically abused by my father, neglected by my mother, and poor (no food or heat poor). I was rapped at 15 by my best friend's older brother. I was homeless by 16.
Currently, 25 and dealing with depression for the past 10 years and ptsd for 8 years. I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship (not physical at all). Almost 7 years now. Started out ok but it just gets worse every year.
I'm still poor. So poor I can't move out and break up with him. My work hours have been cut and I apply for jobs daily. I asked to move in with my mother and she said no. I have no friends to reach out too.
I'm so tired and sad. There is a fighter inside of me. I've made it through so many terrible things in life. But there has not been enough good in my life to keep me going.
I'm giving myself until Jan 11th until I end it all with my little gun.
I'm still searching for jobs and online hustles. I will up until my set day. I want to find away to be free of it all. A home/apartment all my own to feel safe in for the first time in my life.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
MOTHERF - MY CAR! I don't know how this is EVEN POSSIBLE but a fellow employee just freaking scraped my car with his POS somehow in the parking lot of our office.
It's not even a tight parking lot!
WTFFIFINGF
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self.offmychest
|
I can't do this anymore... Nobody cares about me, people on the street are laughing at me, my only friend said that they won't care if I kill myself, my parents are constantly criticizing me... I really, really, really, really want to kill myself....
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self.SuicideWatch
|
why am I always so alone? I'm always checking my phone; hoping I got a notification from somebody I'm friends with on discord. Of course, the notification screen is always empty. The only way I can get my friends to talk to me is if I initiate the conversation, which I don't like doing as I feel like I'm annoying them whenever I do it.
All of my friends are online, which I don't really have a problem with. The only issue is that they aren't really my friends. My only "friend" is only my "friend" for money reasons. It's hard to explain but it's not bad or anything as he's sometimes my friend, but I think my main issue is jealousy.
Whenever I become someones friend (online, obviously lol), I always end up getting extremely jealous about how much time they spend with their other friends and I feel like a burden to them. I always have to initiate the conversation and I just always feel like I'm annoying them :(. It's sad as I can have amazing friendships but I just let them go to waste as I'm too much of an idiot to realize I may not be annoying as I think. That's all behind me now, though, as I haven't spoken to any true friends online in a long time.
I also feel like it's important to mention that no, I don't have any irl friends and I probably never will. I'm 14 and I just started highschool and it's ok, but everybody is so closed off. I thought making friends in kindergarten was hard, but this is just impossible. But like I said earlier, friends in real life aren't important to me, any friends (online or offline) are.
This post is basically just a cry for friends that are around my age. If you like electronics (especially vintage, such as cassette decks, the commodore 64, etc), vinyl records, roblox, steam, mobile tech, or really anything, please message me via the methods listed on my reddit profile. thanks for wasting your time reading this waste-of-a post, and for hearing the story of this waste-of-oxygen.
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self.SuicideWatch
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After purchase anxiety So I just built a computer because I thought I could start making YouTube videos or something. Just a hobby to have because I don’t really have one. Well, now that it’s all set up I’m having pretty bad anxiety. Sometimes when I get something new or things are going well this tends to happen. If I had to self diagnose I’d probably say I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy subconsciously (for whatever the reason). I was just curious if anyone else struggles with this.
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self.Anxiety
|
I don't want to be here anymore I'm a senior in high school who has been able to go home halfway through the day, and focus on schoolwork or relax. I've been so depressed and out of it that I started failing, and school is one of the reasons I get so depressed and stressed out, whether it be the groups of friends while I sit there all alone, or the boring grind, or knowing the information I'm learning will never be used, or being constantly yelled at by staff or by my parents. Because I'm failing the class they are taking away my ability to leave throughout the day and I get one day to fix the failing grade, which is next to impossible.
If i can't do it and they take it away and I fail, I don't know if I can handle this much longer. I've never felt any worth in my life to begin with and constantly being told how much of a failure I am and being punished for losing a feeling of motivation and care is pushing me closer and closer to the edge. I recently got broken up with a few months ago, I've lost quite a few friends and I've been having constant suicidal thoughts, I barely take care of myself and my hygiene is horrible. I'm beginning to think I'm not capable of living this life, that I'm too weak of a person to make it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Does cowardice lead to suicide or prevent it? I have trouble deciding it. I've been suicidal off and on for years. I haven't done it yet. I've gathered supplies by times only to throw them out. Each time I back off. I can't decide if it's because of cowardice to do it or a strength to stick it out.
Does anybody else feel this way? Is it cowardice that keeps us alive or cowardice that leads us over the edge?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Nobody Cares Hey. So to start, I've been through physical, sexual, emotional abuse and neglect through my life. I had an abortion last February (yes, I'm a baby killer, please don't remind me of that again, I regret it). I have a boyfriend (who told me to get the abortion) and he has two kids, and this past year was really hard because he yelled at me at every chance he got for four or five months. I told him I wanted to break up and he said no but I guess that made him realize he was taking it too far.
I've been in college for five years. I'm doing good this semester, but it's not what no want to do. My city doesn't have a course on what I want to do. I'm stuck in my city. There are no jobs for what I want to do, and what I'm in school for, so I don't really see a point in trying anymore. My boyfriend says he doesn't want to leave this city. I don't want to leave my boyfriend, but at this point I probably will have to by either dying or moving away... but I don't want to.
I feel like I've never gotten what I want out of my life. My parents tell me what to do and threaten me if I don't do what they want so my life has been controlled.
I guess I'm just trying to say... there's no point. Nobody cares. I'll never get what I want. I'll always remember everything that's happened to me. I have generalized and social anxiety that I'll never get over. My doctor thinks I might even have a heart problem now too. I don't see the point in living. Nobody cares about me, not even me, and I have no confidence.
I just want to stop living like this. I've wanted to stop for thirteen years now (I'm 22). I just want to be able to get what I want, just sometimes, and I want people to at least pretend to care about me in a believable way. I'm such a damn failure and I've tried to fix it... but I can't do it anymore. It hurts too much.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I keep getting stared at and it’s making me miserable and suicidal Everywhere i go, every time i go out i get fucking stared at by people, i know its not my anxiety, i know it ain’t “all in my head” & i’m getting really depressed and angry about it because there just HAS to be a reason i’m getting stared at all the time, is it because i’m ugly? Is it because i stick out in a bad way? Just what the fuck is the reason? The most frustrating thing about this is that i will never know the answer as to what’s causing it, on really bad days i enjoy thinking about killing myself because it’s basically the only reassuring thought is that I don’t have to live out a life of isolation and solitude due to my shitty fucking genetics and nothing else, if people continue staring at me then i am going to make legit plans to end it
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self.Anxiety
|
Anybody else tried to tackle being depressed the 'healthy' way and had no luck? Including (but not limited to) exercise, eating right, meditation, volunteering etc. It solidified my belief that some people aren't meant to be happy
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self.depression
|
My extremely young SIL just got engaged, and nobody is happy about it [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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why not? I have nothing that motivates me at this point, I am just waiting for the opportunity to die. no one who likes me, not even cousins or parents. No one at school likes me, most of the time it is like I don't even exist. I have been thinking about my death for a long time now and I think I am going to hang myself some time next month. I would try to overdose at school but I am not old enough to buy anything and I wouldn't know how much to take. I just don't want my brother to find me. I cut to stop feeling emotional pain for a brief time but then that fades and I am back where I started.
If you want to know why I feel like this it is mainly down to my mother being an alcoholic and her making my family move closer to others meaning I am now at a new school with no friends. My brother joined 6 weeks after me but somehow he made friends,loads of them, really easily where as I have non and I try really hard. no one cares, not even me at this point.
I just want the pain to go away.
EDIT: I didn't mention this but I am 15 and male if that does anything. I also live in england
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self.SuicideWatch
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breaking point? last time i broke down like this was freshman year of high school. i'm almost technically a senior in college now. i haven't felt this hopeless in a long, long time. back then i went through therapy to deal with anxiety, depression, self harm. it feels like it's hitting me harder again. it feels like it came back with all its force and i'm losing already. i have been clean from SH for five years now but over the past month i've had some really bad urges to do it. and sitting here in the dark hasn't exactly not brought up suicidal thoughts either, which i haven't felt since that year in high school. i have many friends, two best friends and my family yet i'm sitting here feeling so fucking alone. i just needed to put this somewhere out there. i just need to not feel so alone and so useless.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Had a really angry crying day yesterday and husband threatened divorce I knew from the start of the day I didn’t feel good. I tried to keep myself in my room but my husband didn’t clean the bathroom. He was supposed to do that in exchange for me taking our son to church. I came out after I had been there 6 times and he was just playing games on his computer.
Our house is filthy and he said I don’t contribute. I yelled a lot at him and he yelled a lot back. He said good luck getting the bathroom clean with that attitude. So I cleaned the grossest part. I still took my son to church.
After church I just started to cry a lot because my son wouldn’t hang out with me at all even though I offered to do all the things he liked. When I went to lay down again he came out of his room to hang out with my husband. I know he likes him better and it kills me.
After we dropped our son off at his friends house my husband said because of my illness he can’t take me. He said I’m mean to him but he is just as mean back.
If I was having an episode I didn’t realize it so if he read the book I got him he could have responded in a way that de escalated the situation instead of escalating it. He didn’t read the book and lost it.
Today I start an intense week at work where I’m monitoring some very important testing. I don’t know the tool well so it takes me some time to get the data. Not to mention I’m behind in paying bills and behind on my job Work not to mention our filthy house.
I didn’t sleep last night. I feel like I’m going to get a divorce and lose custody of my son. I am having a hard time going on.
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self.bipolar
|
Fuck this, fuck you, fuck everyone! I can't take this shit anymore! Everywhere I look I see everyone I know succeed and I still here in the fucking gutter. I see people in college which I can't get into. I see relationships blossom and no girl fucking likes me. I'm angry and slowly becoming violent. I need to do this. I need a damn way out! This shitty life I have...people say happiness is choice and it's not. I'm done. To everyone who abandoned me when I needed it fuck you! I'm done with this shit. You can find my body at the bottom of the bridge. Goodbye.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I saw porn on my grandfather’s computer He’s a widower in his mid 80s. I walked up behind his desktop and there was porn on the screen, which he had minimized in half a second. I remember catching porn on his computer before when I was a kid, but I regarded it as false memory.
I don’t know what to think. One one hand “eww” but on the other he’s human. Idk, it’s just weird
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self.offmychest
|
Last year, my doctor mentioned I wouldn’t have to take Seroquel (or medication for my condition) my whole life. Anyone here who’s done taking meds for BP? Is it really true there will come a time wherein you won’t be needing meds anymore?
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self.bipolar
|
Im ready Im ready i have nothing left all my friends hate me, i dont have a vehicle anymore, someone stole my identity, i have no one to confide in, im drunk and turn to drugs to numb me, im lonely, and im in soo much debt... Ive reached the end as soon as this bottles gone so am i.. And now one can stop me this timw
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self.SuicideWatch
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My {22/F}old friend{23/M} is back in my life and well, things maybe a little weird. He might be in love with me... [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Has anyone had urinary hesitancy or stream issues with Zoloft?7 I started Zoloft again after being on nothing for a long time. I feel like a couple months after I started, I started waking up at night to pee once every night and having trouble urinating in the morning. My stream feels weaker overall now. I am seeing a doctor soon and going to ask but was wondering if this could be anything bad. I don’t seem to have any other problems that makes me think it’s bad but I’m not sure.
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self.Anxiety
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My family members brought up my "gambling addiction" During new years dinner. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Does anyone get triggered by being in the shower? Shower is not only my safe place, but the place I’ve always self harmed. I’m not sure if it’s my favorite place or my biggest trigger...
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self.depression
|
I just wish I could feel like I wasn't worthless
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self.depression
|
I'm so sorry about the night I had wanted you for so long, you were the girl of my dreams since high school and I fucked up by not asking you out when you liked me too. You were the head cheerleader, I was the class president. We were the ultimate "will they/won't they?" couple, everyone just assumed we were a couple, but I was a stupid teenager who didn't know how to ask girls out.
But that night 5 years ago when we were 22 still haunts me. We were both getting out of breakups and started bonding again like we used to (only it was deeper this time). I was finally good looking then, you used to have a crush on me before just because I could always make you laugh. I had stopped having feelings for you by then (I thought) but deep down the feelings were still there.
When you came to my university to visit me was the night I can't stop thinking about. When we were walking down the street that night and you asked if we could hold hands my heart started to race and the fact the we were finally going to sleep together became real. We kept walking around and stopped by a beautiful park and you randomly hugged me and we held each other for almost 5 minutes. You said you hoped I found happiness in the new city far away that I was moving to and that's when reality came crashing down on me... We could've finally been together, but I had to move far away and I didn't know how long I'd be gone and you were graduating school and I didn't know if/when we'd ever see each other again. We went back to my place and lay in bed, spooning each other, and our bodies fit perfectly together... we lay there with tension you could cut with a knife and I felt the most beautiful agony I've ever experienced.... I wanted you so FUCKING badly and you felt the same about me... but if we slept together (and then moved away) it would end up hurting too much. I couldn't sleep with you knowing we might never see each other again.... So I let nothing happen, hoping that one day we could be together forever instead... 5 years later we live nearby, but we're not together.
I'm so sorry, I hope you didn't feel rejected and you know why nothing happened between us... but that's probably not the case. I've dated girls before and since then, but I've never felt even remotely the same about them as I do about you.
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self.offmychest
|
FUCK this Seriously, how difficult is it to get a medical practioner who isn't incompetent?
I've been taking antidepressants since 2005 due to quality of life not being so great.
Now I see a goddamm psychiatrist, who seems to have diagnosed me with schizophrenia. I know for a fact I'm not schizophrenic. I've done enough research online to know what it is. I'm prescribed a hand full of pills alongside my regular antidepressants, which I just throw in the garbage when I get them. It's like I'm living a big charade. My idiot social workers think I take all this junk. I'm ready to blow the lid of this charade soon enough.
I just saw a clinic doctor about getting my testosterone levels checked and he's like 'dur dur it could be your meds for your schizophrenia doing this".
I know I'm taking things too personal but FUCK, I'm tired of this shit
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I don't have my drivers permit and it's making me self-conscious as fuck Yeah, I know it's a petty thing to worry about, but I can't help it. I'm currently 16, and in junior year of HS. Everybody and their fucking mother has a driver's permit and a car at this point, including my friends, and it's a little embarrassing that I don't have one at this point. The biggest reason for this is all the goddamn peer pressure. All my damn friends are always talking about how they either just got done learning how to drive or already do drive and constantly talk about their car. I don't hate them for knowing how to drive or anything, its just that I can't help but shake the feeling that I'm missing out, and that I'm somehow "less" than them because I don't drive. I know thats incredibly silly, but again, that constant reminder of how almost everyone else is driving makes me self-conscious. And then you have my mom and dad (my dad more specifically), who constantly ride my ass about it. I'm not mad at them for it because honestly I really do need to learn, but it just adds on to the peer pressure and anxiety. I also keep getting bothered to go and get a job, but the biggest problem is that going to both school AND work without my own car just doesn't sound appealing. Not to mention the fact that having a job AND going to school at the same time rather than going to work over the summer is just too damn much for me to handle ATM, but I digress. Can anyone relate to my current situation? All this pressure and anxiety is making me stressed out, and I'm afraid that it will eventually make me depressed.
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self.offmychest
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I remember now why I didn't bother to try and connect with anyone [deleted]
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self.depression
|
How to support someone with anxiety disorders and depression? Exactly as the title states. I need all you've got to help my friend. How do I ease her fears and overthinking? How do I make her happy? Dos and donts?
Thank you!
She's not seeing a therapist as all the ones near her are shit. She's on medication tho.
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self.Anxiety
|
Nothing helps, I can’t stop checking the news for North Korea and I feel a constant sense of dread I literally haven’t been happy in days because I’m so scared of the potential for a nuclear war with North Korea. I am afraid they will attack Chicago in the event of a conflict and I would be killed for nothing all because of politics, can someone please advise me how I could better deal with this?
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self.Anxiety
|
Health anxiety I been getting a bunch of odd symptoms for a couple of weeks now. They're not seemingly related to each other, like a sore throat and back pain, so they're all probably from different things, but I can't help but think I have something actually wrong. I keep googling thyroid diseases cause that's what my symptoms align with most and I keep freaking myself out. I don't really wanna go to the doctor because I've gone several times for health issues that didn't exist and I don't want to keep bothering her, plus my mother wouldn't wanna pay for it anyways. But I can't help but think that there is something wrong
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self.Anxiety
|
Minimum wage jobs suck big time when you’ve got anxiety Probably the same for any job, but minimum wage is the fucking worst. God I fucking hate my job.
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self.Anxiety
|
Calm corner I want to create a safe place for me to go when I’m feeling stressed/anxious/sensory overload and i wanted to know if people had any suggestions or wanted to share what their comforts may be. So far the things that I know that bring me comfort:
1. Pressure - by either wrapping myself tightly in some sort of blanket or a heavy pillow resting on top or a weighted blanket. I have a blanket that hasn’t arrived yet. For most nights, I resort to sleeping with my dog draped across my body.
2. Darkness - this is easily accomplished with an eye mask. No suggestions needed here.
3. Rocking - not quite like a chair but more like rolling back and forth slightly, almost like someone nudging you trying to wake you up. Other than moving a leg to rock myself, which gets tiring, I’m not sure if there’s a solution for this. Anyone have ideas?
4. Small space - either bury myself in a corner of my couch (which sometimes gets hot) and I’ve crammed myself inside my storage coffee table before. I was thinking of getting like a hanging sac chair or something. Any ideas?
Thanks for reading and any suggestions you might have.
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self.Anxiety
|
[NSFW] <----Sort of, I guess? I know what you're probably thinking, why in fucks name is something with a title like this on this subreddit, but, bear with me. I needed to get this off my chest.
So, as any normal, healthy human being, I masturbate. However, the reason this is here in this subreddit and why this is the topic of this post is linked to depression, believe it or not. More often than I'd like, my self-pleasure sessions end in crippling feelings of guilt, shame, disgust, and inadequacy. The reason being I tend to think about people I know and have feelings for (whether sexual or romantic, doesn't really matter.) that I also know I have no chance of being with in any way. I just feel so...frustrated and disgusted with myself, a lot of times I think about mutilating my genitals because of these feelings. I'm sharing this to thus community, I guess, because I was hoping at least someone would come forward and affirm that I'm not alone in my feelings whenever this happens. Maybe it'll help me feel a little better, maybe not. If this post gets an overwhelming amount of downvotes and negative comments due to its content, I will voluntarily delete it. Thanks for going through the shitstorm that was this weird and awful post.
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self.depression
|
dont know what to do anymore each day is consumed with my thoughts, not a moment goes by i dont think of just ending it. every convo feels fake. i put on a fake persona for my family, my friends, my job, school, hook ups. All areas have a different facade. Nobody really knows me. then again i dont even know myself.
mental health has gotten so bad I cant even talk to most ppl. never had more then one word convos with my roommates, co workers or classmates.
most ppl spent college partying/hooking up/finding themselves. I spent it drowning myself in work to avoid facing reality. I spent it socially isolating myself.
Should be happy having a well off family, nice car, money in my bank, great (but little) friends, good job, great vacations. Instead I am numb to the point I cant cry. I just go through the motions day to day. I should of sought help years ago but instead I let issues take my late teen years and early twenties away from me. At 22 I feel life is pointless. Spend my days getting drunk and smoking.
Welp guess I'll just wake up tomorrow tell my parents everything is good. Go to class. Go to work. Go out with my buddies and act like life is great and im the funny guy. Go home and feel nothing again.
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self.depression
|
Advice for watching a horror movie in the cinema Okay, so I know this doesn't sound like much of an anxiety problem, but hear me out. I'm gonna watch Insidious 4 in the cinema on Monday and I've never seen a horror movie in the cinema before. Usually with horror movies I look away or cover my eyes, but I'm worried about what other people in the cinema would think if they saw me doing that.
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self.Anxiety
|
The stupid story of how I lost a "friend" THE SEQUEL. You know those times where absolutely everything is just falling apart that you can almost time it by your watch for when the next thing will blow up? Well, there was car issues, pipes froze in my house (because I was dumb), more stuff went and then yesterday I lost a friend because saying that I was lonely and I mentioned she hasn't visited my new place yet = "I want to fuck you big time". We were in the same depression mental health group for 5 weeks together, so she should have understood what I was meant rather than this girl logic and then blocking me without appeal.
Anyways! That isn't the end of it. This one is a totally isolated case from the last but I lost ANOTHER friend. Back to back days. The house is falling down and it decides to drop the toilet on my head for good measure when it's crumbling around me (and it's filled with crap). Anyways! I'll give the quick version. We met on Tinder. Talked for 2 months, had sex a few times a month ago. She was busy with work for the last couple of weeks coming up on Xmas. I wished her a merry Christmas and she replied on the 25th. We talked about meeting up when she was back in town and she said she would let me know with a smiley emoticon.. Normal fare right? Not with passive aggression in play... We didn't chat these entire 5 days until she messaged me in the morning today... I was completely blown away by how fucking dumb this was. I'll just copy paste it...
"Hey XXXXXX, I've had some time to think and, I'll be honest, I don't think I want to see you again. The first time we met I told you that I'm an egalitarian, and so far you have somehow managed to be racist, sexist, homophobic, and xenophobic and I just can't see past that. Whatever this was was fun for a bit, but it was ruined for me by all the hateful shit you say. Maybe take some time and figure out why you see the world the way you do."
Out of ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE. I looked back over my entire SMS history to find absolutely anything off key and I couldn't find a single thing. It gets even more stupid and this is how I knew I was dealing with a completely fucked person and it wasn't anything I did.
I replied to her "I hope one day you develop a mental disease so I can come chop you down at your knees" (referring to her cutting me apart over my severe depression altering how positively I see the world and hoping that what goes around comes aroubd) and this fucking nut responds to me "a normal person wouldn't blah blah blah, you *albeist* fuck". She COMPLETELY loses the plot and insinuates that I hate disabled people because I hoped that she got her just desserts with someone shitting on her when she's vulnerable like I am... Like.. I can't make this stuff up guys..
That's where the ball stops with me and I just let her have it. So much BS packed into this and continually tell her "what is your deal, I don't get it" and "you know you're busting down a sweet guy for no reason right?"
This is an open and shut case. We have here a nut case. Rhyme time. She's one of those people that takes everything way too seriously and makes life a real misery for people that don't conform to her exact wording/lifestyle.
THIS was the most fucked up thing though.... We talked for 2 entire months and there was absolutely no scent of crazy fucker to be smelt. She snuck right up on me and suckerpunched me with this nonsense. This is a lesson that everyone should learn. People are really fucking awesome at faking being a nice person that's there for you and if you so happen to have higher stakes such as a child or a joint bank account with one of these sleeper cells, that is some really scary shit and it could hurt a lot of us..
Anyways, I'm just kind of numb to all of this bad news lately.. It hasn't really hurt me like a break up with a loved one would. But it makes me look inward and wonder if I'm a bad person? We only ever shared happy times and laughs and I tried to convey that I'm a sweet person (her car was vandalized and I was offering to come down and assist her and I only knew her for 2 weeks. Stuff like that) but then this almost conspiracy like fog comes back around me and fucks yet another relationship up. What does everyone think of this one?
(I have to add that this is a person whom conversed with me for many months and did me several times. She had no problem fucking a bigot because I'm not one and I don't think if anyone who had that big of a problem with those types of people, would have sex with someone like that. So I don't want people to think that I'm wearing Nazi hats, saying gas the Jews while I punch a woman in the face and spit on a minority... Not even close, you don't even know...)
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self.depression
|
I just tried to kill myself, in other news am bad at titles [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What is anxiety? Okay, I know for a fact I have anxiety, it's a typical worry of a bunch of crap that most likely shouldn't matter etc..
But, how do you know your 'anxiety' isn't a precursor to a condition you already have..
Anxiety is too broad of a term
anx·i·e·ty
aNGˈzīədē/Submit
noun
a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
But how do you know that those symptoms (that typically match other symptoms of SEVERAL mental illnesses etc) based on how you are IRL. For instance, someone who isolates everyone IRL, you might have shizotyal, avoidant personality disorder, paranoid personality disorder, etcetcetcetc...
People automatically diagnose themselves with "anxiety" but it's usually something a lot deeper.. I mean wouldn't everyone just drink a beer before socializing? How does your anxiety work and can you actually PROVE that it's JUST anxiety, considering anxiety is the symptom of dozens of other mental illnesses...
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self.Anxiety
|
Saturday Nights Some days it's just too much. And i get mad at my self for feeling the way i feel. It makes me feel weak, vulnerable and pathetic. There are times when i cant even tell if im really sad or just want some type of attention. Then... i have good days, days where im happy im alive .. but all of that can change so quickly. I really wish i could block out my thoughts sometimes.
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self.offmychest
|
I maybe messed up Okay so. Here's some background: I dont really know when the whole suicidal ideation thing started but for the past few years I guess every once in awhile I get a little excited to take my life. I've tried 7 times and this time...I think I may have achieved it. Except I did it in the wrong way and now given time to think, I'm not sure if I want to die. The giddy feeling has left me so I can't at least laugh off the event.
Alright. So getting to what I actually did. My mom has Tylenol for arthritis 650mg each. I took 20.
Yeah. And I did the research. I know about the liver failure. School starts in two days and I could very well collapse in class or not even collapse really. Vomit blood, maybe?
Anyway I guess the reason why I posted here is because I wanted to die quickly and I didn't know about the liver failure before i took the pills. So now I'm trying to flush my liver I guess? Not because I don't want to die, no. I totally still want to drop dead. But I had arranged for my death to happen when my family was gone but now with this whole liver ordeal, they'll probably bear witness.
Anyway, what should I do. I don't want to go to the hospital cause my family will inevitably find out. I'm an adult but I'm on my mom's insurance so she'd probably get a call or something.
Also yes I am aware that suicide is wrong
It gets better
Suicide is never the answer etc.
But at the time suicide sounded like a trip to Disney world.
TL;DR I took 20 Tylenol (13000mg), so I'm trying to flush my liver sans hospital
Update: I did this in Monday and it's Wednesday and nothing has happened. I did a sort of liver detox, so I think that did something. Or maybe 13000mg isn't enough for a 200+ lb woman.
Honestly I'm starting to think I may be immortal.
Oh and rest assured, I'm not feeling suicidal at the moment, so I won't do anything else.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I wish I never existed. I wish I never existed. My life hasn't been easy (nearly died five times, abuse) but it isn't the worst or the hardest. I don't think I will ever procreate.
The list of people who care about me grows shorter every day and every day I grow more tired of existing. Work sleep game work sleep game work sleep game. Any sort of social interaction seems extremely forced to me so I have no chance of making friends or going on dates or falling in love.
The only way I can picture dying is by suicide from loneliness, sure I'm not really that lonely now but I feel like one day It will catch up with me and I will kill myself. I feel like I should save myself the trouble and just off myself sooner rather than later.
I will never be able to retire I will be working until they pick me up off the floor. I will never have a "family" of my own of any sort. I will never have a home of my own or even a car. I will never be able to take a real vacation.
I am a talentless moron who despite all the experience and training in the world still sucks at their job. I deserve to die so that better people can eat the food and breathe the oxygen that I would rip away from them. I am a waste of flesh and resources that should go to better people.
I wish I never existed because now I sit here alone and scared certain of how I will die, just not when. I hope to make sooner than later. As soon as my father dies there are no more people who care enough about me to be hurt or adversely affected by my disappearance/suicide. So when he goes I will not be too far behind him.
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self.depression
|
Ok, So Maybe I'm Manic, What Now [POTENTIAL Gritty Details] So maybe I'm manic. I don't believe it for a second, but my best of friends have chosen to not talk to me until I realize my actions. They'd only ever do that if they were telling the truth.
I don't feel manic. It's different this time. I'm just happy, I'm finally happy. Beyond happy. They're mad because I've been drinking a lot, have been having a lot of unprotected sex late at night, haven't eaten in two days, wasted all my money, almost quit my job, ive slept four hours in two days, have taken some sort of weird drug at one point, and stuff like that. Stuff that's pretty damn reasonable and not nearly as bad as they make it out to be. I'm feeling the best physically and mentally I've ever been in a whole life. Happy, strong, fast, smart, amazing understanding of just things.
But whatever, apparently I'm manic. What now? Ive got a doctors appointment coming up in this week or next week and there's no way to quicken it up. What do I do until then? I thought working a lot would help, but found out it's possible to hookup during my lunch break.
What do I do? Is it bad I don't believe them still? How do I make up what I've apparently done? Especially if I still don't really know what I did wrong.
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self.bipolar
|
What is 50mg Seroquel good for? I had a really bad episode and the crash brought along with it severe anxiety and insomnia. My pdoc and I were in the process of adjusting my prescriptions to better handle the stress overload caused by my job. He added in 50mg Seroquel and low dose of Lexapro. My anxiety went away and I could sleep, yay! I'm hungry all the time, bloated, and my muscles get all twitchy and tense if I don't go to sleep within an hour-ish of my Seroquel dose.
So, I hate Seroquel. What is 50mg really good for? As far as I understand that low of dose isn't therapeutic level for anything bipolar related. I'm also on Lithium and Lamactil.
*I can't take time off of work to see my pdoc for several weeks or more and I don't plan to change anything on my own. My job is also still slowly killing me so I'm hesitant to change anything right now too. Question is general curiosity.
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self.bipolar
|
something is always going wrong Hey everyone. I’m not sure how to start this because honestly my thoughts are so unorganized. I’m 20 years old and I’m in my junior year of college. I’ve been dealing with depression for many years and have had it under control for a while until this semester started. I was on medication for about year when I was 18, but I stopped it because I thought I was doing okay. I was doing okay. Recently things have just been bad for me. So the job I have requires me to work a lot of weekends. I bartend at a small restaurant. I like working there, the family that owns it are some of the nicest people I’ve met. I do like my bar manager, he’s cool but tonight we got in kind of an argument and I’m worried that my hours will be cut because I really need the money to pay for school next semester. He gets kind of irrational about scheduling when someone pisses him off, maybe I’m just over thinking it. I try to convince myself that I don’t mind working weekends so much because I’m not 21 yet and most of my friends are, so I can’t enjoy the bar scene quite yet. But lately I’ve been feeling like I have absolutely no social life. Sure I have some good friends but I never get the time to hangout with them, because while they’re out having fun, I’m working. As an extrovert who needs social interaction, this has been taking quite a toll on me lately. I just feel very lonely and distant from my friends. I try and keep in touch with them, but I feel like if I didn’t reach out to them I wouldn’t hear from them. Another thing is that, I feel like my parents are tired of me. They let me live in their house while I’m going to school and I pay them a small amount of rent. Lately though, they’ve been dropping hints or pretty much just saying how they want me to move out. Which is saddening, but also frustrating. I know I’m not the easiest person to live with, I’m kind of messy but I try to contain the mess to just my room but I know it upsets my parents. With being in school full time and working a substantial amount of the week, it’s hard for me to find time to organize and clean my room. I also get frustrated really easily. So when something happens to me, my first reaction is to call one of my parents and just bitch about what’s happening. I can tell they get annoyed by that too. I know it’s annoying to them but I don’t know any other way to deal with my frustration than to talk to someone about it. I’m also talking to this guy who’s just very nice and treats me very well, better than any guy ever has. The thing is, he’s just awkward I guess. I don’t mean to say that I couldn’t date someone awkward, but I just don’t get that “euphoric” feeling around him that you get when you like someone. It just isn’t there. But I feel like I’m missing out if I end things. I’m also a virgin, which is something I’m ashamed of. I know I’m only 20 but I feel like everyone around me is fucking like rabbits and I’m sitting here twiddling my thumbs. I feel like the longer I wait, the more “weird” I’m going to seem. It stresses me out, more than it should if I’m being honest. Things aren’t all bad though, I’m getting pretty good grades in school and I have a substantial amount of money saved up. But I feel like that’s all I have going for me. I’m just so ashamed with myself because I’m so socially isolated these days and I’m so sensitive and I get frustrated at the drop of a hat. I feel like my life is kind of a mess and I have no one to turn to about anything. I feel like everyone has their own problems so why would they want to listen to mine? I feel very unwanted, especially by my own parents who I love very dearly. I feel like nothing makes me happy anymore and I have no one to talk to about what I’m feeling. I know this all seems like a minor problem, but how I’m feeling is so shitty. I’m sorry this is so unorganized and that this is so damn long. If you take the time to read this, thank you so much. ❤️
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self.depression
|
Absolutely pathetic Don't know why the hell I'm writing this. Maybe just for someone to listen? I don't know. I started drinking a little under an hour ago and made the split decision to drink a bit more. I think I'm drunk or at the very least extremely buzzed. Once I started drinking I picked up razors that I had stored from a year ago and started cutting these wimpy little scrapes into my arm. And I just took like five zoloft. Considering taking a bit more, but I probably won't. Pathetic, I know. I'd like to clarify that this isn't a suicide attempt, but I just don't really care anymore. I believe I'm better off this way so. I actually feel so happy right now. Kind of hope that I just die, but I know that I won't.
Little bit of an update: took another five without even thinking. No bad effects yet. I just feel very tired.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I wish I had the courage to end it... I sit around thinking of all the details that would go into my suicide, for several methods. Where, how, what to use, how to make it the least painful for others, will it fail, do I want it to fail, will it hurt, how fast, how effective... on and off, all the time. I just spent an hour going over how I could hang myself, I ended up looking up nooses on google.
But I won't go through with it because I'm too scared. It feels pathetic. The only attempts I've made I don't even remember because I was manic not depressed. I'm rapid cycling like a bitch right now, with mixed episodes. I have so much rage and depression currently. Who knows how I'll be in a few hours, though. Maybe sunshine and fucking butterflies.
I want to die, but I'm too afraid to try for real. One day, at some point I figure I will stop being so afraid. The desire will out weigh the fear.
I don't know what to do. If I reach out for help, without actually attempting, again, I feel like it means I'm a whiny bitch looking for attention. I HATE attention. I can't stand existing. I've never felt so... ACTUALLY bipolar as I have the past few weeks. I hate this.
</rant>
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self.bipolar
|
Lack of physical touch and affection is literally killing me. I miss it. It has been far too long. I have made my needs known and I feel as though it's just punishment at this point . Only a couple of weeks until I meet my baby girl. Maybe the skin on skin contact will help ? I just miss your hands on me. Cuddling with me at night, and now we have a pillow barrier between us. I have cried countless times just hoping you would come up behind me at night and pull me close. I go to sleep alone. It literally is the worst feeling ever . I survive off the hugs and cuddles from my children even though they just aren't the same. I want to feel wanted. Needed. And soothed . I need to feel needed and I just feel like I'm in the way or a nuisance. I don't know who I am anymore. Maybe I'll remember when she's born. I'm scared. I have no reassurance. You keep secrets and don't like to share with me. I miss you .I just give you your space hoping you'll one day just want me next to you . To hold my hand. To hug me. To kiss me. I'll wait as long as I have to. The constant punishment I don't deserve but I understand . It will continue until you forgive me. If you can.
I'm worthless. Unwanted. Useless. Hopeless.
Here's to finding who I am again. I'm lost. I'm scared. But my feelings don't matter. I know that .
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self.depression
|
I think video games have made me impatient and desensitized me to everything [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Stress has ruined me!!! I was doing so great no shopping, thoughts of fucking the world, but this battle I am facing to save my 10 year old to get an appropriate education he deserves is destroying my balance.
I saw my Psychiatrist the other day and he increased my Lamictal to 150mg. I hope it brings me back to my normal self, because I don’t want to become that person again and not because of a group of greedy bastards not wanting to spend the money to give my child an education but rather destroy him instead.
|
self.bipolar
|
Does anyone else think they’re partner is mad at them for no reason? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
No clue what I'm doing My first Reddit post and probably a long post but I kinda just wanted to write my story and get shit off my chest
---
Not really sure where to begin but I can't really remember how long I've been depressed, maybe it was my abusive parents or something down the line but day by day I felt a little less alive. For context my parents were(physically) and to some extent still are abusive(more verbal than physical) and honestly I don't feel like they're my parents, I never really felt any love from them not that I know what that is really. I remember moving from Fiji to New Zealand and just seeing how much love other parents showed their kids and just wishing mine loved me in the slightest and now I just have painful memories whenever I think about them, particularly my mom's trying to kill me when I was like 12 saying that I shouldve never been born. Honestly I just wish I could forget.
For a short while all those bad things faded away when I got a girlfriend that I thought I was super in love with but it was a long distance thing and I broke up with her twice because I don't really know why, I guess I was too scared really and I messed everything up but we got together again or tried to recently but now(two days ago) I'm pretty sure she's moved on and I don't really know how to deal with this break up
Coupled with this I'm 20 turning 21 soon and I don't really know what I'm doing with my life, I was supposed to finish Uni this year but I'm just starting due to setbacks and circumstances such as me fucking up highschool and whatnot and my dad's been yelling at me(it's practically verbal abuse) to get a job and Ive honestly been trying but I couldn't find any but he managed to set me up with a work experience at a computer store(I am planning to be a cybersecurity engineer) and I managed to land a job but because of the break up my mind was a mess and I dropped and damaged some stuff which lead to me being fired which was today. I haven't told my parents since I'm scared they'll kick me out and I'll have nowhere to go or abuse me again. I don't really have any hope to be honest. I've talked to friends but they can't fix this and I really just wanna die rn
--
Thanks for reading if you got this far, I don't really expect anything, just wanted to get it off my chest
|
self.depression
|
I think about death every single day April 27 was the last time I attempted suicide. I was standing on a cliff with at least a half mile drop. I should have jumped.
It would relieve so much pain I feel.
For whatever reason lately ive just been thinking about my life. I am very blessed for the things I do have but I also have experienced a lot of pain in my life and I'm too weak to overcome it. I realized a few weeks ago that I have even been depressed from a young age. The first memory I can recall of knowing I had depression was when I was in elementary school on the blacktop sitting by myself and asking myself why I felt sad all the time (although then I was too young to grasp the concept of depression). I believe that I am normal but I feel as though I have always been treated differently by my peers. I was always relentlessly bullied for being ugly and was told that no one would ever love me and things of that nature.
After I made that attempt I was forced to spend a week in the looney house and it fucked with me so hard. I don't even sleep more than four hours a night or go to sleep before 3am since then.
I think the thing that has changed me the most is my mothers illness. It straines my family relationships to be almost non existent and it made me cold at heart.
I just don't care about making a better future for myself anymore because I've tried so hard my whole life and it doesn't get better. Its gotten worse as ive gotten older; and the older I get the more I realize those things that those kids said to me are true. You can try to sit here and tell me that's not the case but you don't know me.
I just want to die and relieve my pain, and I could give a fuck about if my death affected anyone. They say suicide is selfish but I think it's selfish that other people force others to live a life in which they are not happy with. I fucking hate this world, the people in it, and the way it is. This world and humans are pathetic. Yes there are good people in it and some of whom I respect but the human species as a whole are depressing.
I know I don't even have the balls to kill myself and it sucks. I wish that I was never born. Life isn't worth all this struggle just to die at the end anyways. I am dead on the inside and no amount of medication I have been taking has helped me. I am permanently fucked in the head and the thing that drives my crazy the most is that I know its true and I think about it every single day. I am going to be a disappointment to my parents because I'm just so fucking mentally ill. I would rather have cancer than mental illness. This shit sucks.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
A lonely girl who just started writing Footsteps are heavy. They're heavy because the weight of the world is on your back, not your shoulders because that would be too easy. No, your problems are constantly being piggy backed by you. From the moment you open your eyes, everything is heavy, everything is hard. The worst part is you can't pinpoint your unhappiness, you see, again, that would be too easy. It's an ever growing list of issues, although calling it a list implies that you can identify all of the said issues. But when is enough enough? When does the piggy back end; or rather how do you find the end?
|
self.depression
|
My Depression? I met a girl, we started to talk and to leave little, however she changed if city, and we continue to talk, both wanted the friendship to remain, and by small steps began to enjoy talking to her, wanted to be with her . She said she wanted my presence too, until, I let my emotional part take control of me, and I started being jealous and talking shit, she's screwed, because little by little she was not going away, until, out of nowhere, decided to say, come back to me when you do not feel anything for me, I'm in depression for my actions, no matter how hard I try, I always make the same mistake, that is to let the emotional part take care of me.
I dont know if we can be friends with the time again, like we used to be
|
self.depression
|
Does this count as heartbreak? Three years ago I met this group of girls online, they live on the opposide side of our country. We shared interests and music taste, and the whole group welcomed me warmly.
As the time passed, I grew especially fond of the "leader", and when one day the group shattered in half due two couples in the group breaking up, even though the other half wanted me to go with them, I ended up going back with the half with the leader and all the girls from her town.
The relationship grew really strong. Like really really strong. That means attraction. In the group, four of us were extremely close, to the point we were aware of the sexual tension, and often joked about solving it.
I visited their city twice, two consecutive summers. The second one, these four girls were living in the same house. As predicted, things happened between us.
Still, I kinda started to feel as the odd one out. As if I had been carried with the whole planning, but I wasnt really the one they were the most excited about.
No longer than a month after, back in my hometown, I warn the girls on the group chat we shared that I'll be away for 3-4 days, since I'm bringing some old middle school friends to my summer house for the weekend, and i wont be talking as much.
Two days later the party finishes, at 2 am, the youngest from the 4 girl group pms me, cutting out any courtesy and directly asking me where the fuck have i been and blaming me of weakening our friendship and make them feel ignored. A full-on scolding.
Forgot to say: I was always the one pming them. They never even thought of dropping a hello or whatever. I always started the conversations, worrying to ask them how they were doing pretty often. THEY NEVER OPENED CONVERSATIONS ON PRIVATE MESSAGING.
So yeah. She lashes out on me, blaming me for ignoring them for two weeks straight (da fuq??). I lash back, telling her to quit scolding me, apologizing for extending the away time for a couple days, but telling her it's been nowhere two weeks.
And so, the other two feel the primal need to defend the smallest of the group from my awful, abusing behaviour, cause she's harmless and can't defend herself. Harmless my fucking ass. And she was speaking in behalf of them three, they chose their spokesperson and I talked to her as if I was talking to all of them.
3 vs 1 on the group, they group up on me and absolutely go ham on me, not a sliver of our bond visible in their bitter, cruel words, shitting on me as if they had been waiting years for an oportunity.
Calling me a bully, a coward, a victimist.
Calling me childish for defending myself and not accepting the blame they're dropping on me.
I cried my fucking soul out that night. Screaming and sobbing at 4 am, realising they didn't want the relationship to last. They didn't want to drop the subject, each take their blame and move on. And I did want it. With all my heart and soul and will.
It took me a month to gain the will to talk to them again. I just couldn't. I felt like I had fucked up, and at the same time I felt played with, I didn't agree with their arguments, and I blamed myself for not calling bullshit back then.
It's been three months. I'm talking in the group chat once again. I drop on their pms from time to time. One of the other girls in the big group is coming to my town, and the hype is real.
I feel as stupid as ever. The three girls, they aren't even trying. They ignore my messages, leave me on read, make fun of me, just treat me poorly compared to all of the other girls, even when I expressed to every single one of them that I wanted our friendship to stay alive. I like to think if it wasn't for the girl coming to my town, I would have left the group and not looked back.
I think of them every single day. My throat shuts with a bitter knot and an uncomfortable feeling of void and slight pain blossoms in my chest.
At night, in bed, I cry.
I just feel incomplete, as if I was missing a leg.
I feel stupid. Disgustingly stupid. The kind people don't laugh at, but dryly ask "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
It just hurts, a lot.
Is this how heartbreak feels like?
|
self.offmychest
|
The only reason I haven't killed myself is cuz I feel like everyone I know would blame themselves Yeah...that's it. Thanks for listening
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
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