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Paxil I was prescribed Paxil in July of this year and I honestly love it. I feel like I’m productive and less anxious and I can actually function. The problem is, I lost my heath insurance and definitely can not afford Paxil anymore, let alone going to a doctor and having them prescribe it again.
So my question is, how do I ween myself off of Paxil?
I’ve heard the horror stories, so constructive advice is appreciated.
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self.Anxiety
|
Fuck you for being happy around me Goddamn it, I can't even think straight. I hate the people who make me happy because they choose not to. I'm completely alone, and the worst thimg was thinking for a day or two that wouldn't last forever.
Except I don't think that, I know that its bot like I have a bad fate, I'm not destined to never have any friends and feel this way my whole life. Its stupid to say that I am.
Except I am.
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self.depression
|
I have written notes. I am a 22 year old male. The only people I speak to on a regular basis are my parents. They’re divorced and not happily. I’ll talk more about the abuse, the divorce, and it’s aftermath later. I am failing at life in every aspect. I’m writing this on my phone overlooking a lake while I’m supposed to be at class. I can’t bring myself to go or even tell anybody where I am.
I apologize if you don’t want to hear my life story but I feel it’s important to get a background on how I got to where I am.
I don’t know much about my parents life before I came along but I think they would have been better if they had never met. My parents began dating when they were young. My mother’s father died in 1994 and I was conceived 1 month later; no doubt these two events are related. I don’t know much about my early life but I do know my parents weren’t together long.
My mother and I lived with her grandparents The only memory I have of the great grandmother was of her funeral. I remember touching her waxy hand as she lay in her casket. She died in 1999. I grew up among an older generation so some of my most vivid memories are of their funerals. My great grandfather was the best man I ever met. He grew up in the depression, enlisted in the navy during the Korean War as a boiler man, and worked at Westinghouse as a boiler foreman on his return to the States. In the Navy and at Westinghouse he was exposed to asbestos. He developed mesothelioma. It was only discovered after he had a stroke while driving me home from school. The doctors don’t know how he was able to keep the car on the road but I know he’d never let anything happen to me. After a short but fierce battle with cancer he died in 2005. I was 9 years old and I lost my best friend.
Later in 2005 I became interested in Catholicism after the death of Pope Saint John Paul II. My mother and I took RCIA classes and were baptized in 2006. I was a true believer and dedicated Catholic. I became an altar boy and served passion for several years. At that point in my life, I was 100% sure I was going to be a priest. I looked to my parish priest for support but I was always second place to an older boy who was also interested in becoming a priest. The priest organized a Tridentine Mass. it was very formal and traditional. It was rarely held and I asked my priest if I could serve in the mass and he said it would just be him and a deacon. I was disappointed but understood that traditionally altar boys were not allowed to serve High Mass. I nonetheless attended. As the procession began, guess who I saw leading it? The priest had chosen the other boy over me. I was devastated. We stopped regularly attending mass after that and I was no longer an altar boy. I learned several years ago that the boy did attend the seminary but was kicked out after he was arrested for drunk driving.
During this time, my mother and father married and moved in together. As far as I recall, things were fine for a while. But for reasons that I still don’t know, they began to fight constantly. I tried to block out their yelling but the phrase I remember most often from my father was “shut the fuck up or I’ll knock your fucking teeth out.” My mother insists that the fighting never got physical but I know that’s a lie. Several times he kicked her out of the house. Sometimes she would leave for the night. My father’s name was on her car because she didn’t have the credit to get a loan herself. He wouldn’t let her take it. I was driving at this point and I’d let her take my car. She kept a pillow and blanket in my truck. She said she went to a hotel but I know she slept in the car. Occasionally she was gone for longer; the longest period was nearly 6 months. She always came back.
I was always a good student. The lessons came easily to me and I didn’t have to work hard. I think that’s one of my problems, I never learned to work hard for anything because I didn’t need to. I breezed through high school, never doing more work than I needed to. College was different. The plan in the beginning was for me to take core classes at the local community college and transfer to a university to study engineering. That didn’t work out. 4 years of community college and $20,000 in student loan debt later, I still don’t have a degree. Little problems became big ones. The first semester I studied Network Infrastructure, then I changed my major to Paramedic Science. Here I failed my first class ever. My medical terminology professor was a stone cold bitch. I stopped going tot he class half way through the semester. Anatomy and physiology was different. It was the hardest class I ever took. I squeezed by with at 71%. I had had my first taste of what it was like to have to work hard for something academic and I hated it. The next semester, at the pressuring of my father, I changed majors again to Homeland Security to become a firefighter. My dad always said it’s the easiest job there is. “Gravy train” is what he called it. It isn’t.
I forgot to mention that during this time my mother and father continued to fight. It ruined me as a person. I would fail at least one class a semester. Not because the classes were hard but because I would become so depressed that I wouldn’t go to class. I couldn’t let my father know though, so I would park my car somewhere and think toxic thoughts. Sometimes I would just drive. I fantasized that I could just keep driving and never stop. Maybe I’d find a town I liked and stay there. Right know I’m parked in a spot overlooking a lake. The same kale my great grandfather had a boat. We spent a lot of time on this lake. But not anymore. I want to be with him again.
In spring 2014, I failed all of my classes. My father doesn’t know. This semester is going to be exactly the same. I couldn’t get financial aid this semester because I had failed so many classes but I registered anyway. My mother, I love my mother, she knows that j failed last semester. She worked so hard to scrape up the money to send me to college this semester. She regularly worked 80-100 hours a week at a job she hates. I have already been dropped for nonpayment. I told her I don't have to pay for school yet but the semester is running out. She will know that something is wrong but I don’t have to heart to tell her. She was the first person in her family to go to college. And she attended as a single mother. I have no job, no responsibilities, and I can’t even finish community college.
I really just don’t know what to do. I’ve been sitting in my car looking at the lake and writing this for well over an hour. I know I should go home and tell her but I just don’t know how. I don’t want her to know that I don’t want to live anymore. That I don’t see another way. I worry how my father will take it. He has threatened to kill her in the past and on some occasions I believed him. I’ve often thought that I should take him with me but my mother has no family left, only me. She is the only thing keeping me alive and I think I’m the only thing keeping her alive as well.
I have written notes to my family, my school, the fire department I volunteer at but I don’t know what to do
I don’t know what to do.
I have to go now. I don’t know where. Maybe I’ll go home. Maybe I’ll just drive.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know hey I wrote this or why I am posting it. I just thought someone should read it. I honestly don’t know what to expect from posting. Empty platitudes seem the most likely outcome. But I just don’t know what to do.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Scared that I got HIV from testing center I am neurotic about getting HIV from having sex a little over a month ago. Today I went to get tested for HIV, as I did two weeks earlier, as I am that scared or convinced that I have it.
I went to a local testing center to get it done today. I did it last time at Planned Parenthood. The test came back negative, but I immediately got nervous because I was thinking about the test (a finger prick test). The woman used materials from a sterilized bag, but she couldn't draw blood on her first try with the needle from the bag. She then used a plastic needle thing she got from a jar on her desk. I think she unscrewed something to access the needle, but I can't remember for sure.
What if that needle was dirty? What if she used that needle before? What if that needle wasn't sterilized? What if I just got HIV from her using that needle? What if this woman (though very nice and seemingly genuine) is crazy and going rogue and giving everyone HIV?
The logical part of me thinks I'm overreacting but I am extremely scared about this now and fixating on it.
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self.Anxiety
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Being a teacher sucks shit balls. I’m 20 yrs in and my advice is if you’re thinking about it, DON’T.
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self.bipolar
|
Just tired of hurting Hey,
Not going to kill myself tonight or anything, but I'm just getting to a point where I'm thinking about quitting my diabetic medication and letting the disease do the work for me.
I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of applying for jobs for 10 months and always hearing back "we regret to inform you". I'm tired of every moment of every day feeling like I'm literally walking on Legos because of a foot orthotic I'm too poor to replace. I'm tired of turning on the new everyday and finding out that something I loved about the US is being destroyed because it doesn't suck the dick of the rich.
I'm just so tired.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm not the one burning my bridges, I'm simply not extinguishing the flames. [Long] [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
My friend is going to kill himself He was being bullied by someone and said he was going to kill himself. I see him the next day and he jams a bus ticket from me and i snap at him. Then he calls me and said thats the last call im hearing from him. I kept texting him sorry and dont die and he isnt listening. He said its all my fault. Wtf? How do i cope with this
And will i go to hell?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I just wish my GFs seriously ill grandma would die already [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
"When life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means it's going to launch you into something great." right? Hey
Lately I have suicidal thoughts. I always had it but this time I'ts like pretty serious.
You know that saying "When life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means it's going to launch you into something great."?
WHEN?
I have literally no friends, all are gone, for almost 2 years. They all left because I finally stood up for myself once and couldn't take the manipulation. My mom kicked me out, so now I live with my father who I can't even have a normal conversation with (Always had serious problems with them for my whole life). Even at work I feel very alone. I'm very positive there and like to make people laugh but it's just not enough to make friends or to make them sit next to me in breaks. Mostly I get quiet in conversations because I'm getting nervous and think they'll hate me or think I'm a weirdo. I don't know what to say anymore. I'm getting blank. They all say they love me but I just don't feel it. They know and can see that I'm an emotional boy behind the mask so I think that's why they fake it. You know... you have to be 'good' with your colleagues at work. Social Anxiety, I know. Being gay makes it all worse.
I'm just that energetic character who is positive with a big smile. The one who gives but never receives.
This might be weirdly put together but I'm just really tired thinking about everything. I don't see the point in anything anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Been thinking of suicide for a little bit, moms furiously mad at me for skipping a class and I can’t stop thinking how much I just want to let go [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Health anxiety, panic attacks, feel alone Hoya everybody. First time I posting here, struggles with anxiety for as long as I remember but lately I’ve had more physical symptoms than I can ever remember having. Wanna know if I’m alone and if you guys think it’s anything organic and not anxiety related.
To start, I’ve been a hypochondriac forever, I’ve been absolutely sure I’ve had colon cancer, esophagus and mouth cancer, schizophrenia, and now it’s heart attacks. I am in constant fear of having a heart attack. And when I say constant, I mean constant.
I’ve gone to the ER twice over the last 6 months or so for a panic attack and both times I’ve had chest x rays, and EKGs done. Both have been fine. But lately, and I would say it’s picked up majorly over the last month or so, I’ve been having so many physical anxiety symptoms and almost daily panic attacks.
I feel chest pain, I feel like I can’t get a full breath, I feel dizzy and sometime get sudden feelings of dizziness and head rushes. My heart rate always seems up and irregular, I do have high blood pressure that I take medication for, and I’ve told my primary care physician and she doesn’t seem too concerned, but I literally am in fear and feeling my chest constantly, I can barely make it a full night at work anymore. Also I’m 23 years old and have had a stressful year, and I work night shift and don’t have much human interaction anymore and am very alone.
Can anyone give me any recommendations or think I should get any more tests or anything done to check for heart issues?
Thanks everybody, it means a lot.
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self.Anxiety
|
Is there a cure for thinking too much? My thoughts overwhelm me. I'll go on thinking about every little thing that could go wrong, then I'll think about the consequences I'll have to face, how stupid/unworthy I will look for failing.
It is impossible to enjoy any aspect of life at this level. I keep having suicidal thoughts because honestly it *would* fix all of my problems, I wouldn't have any problems any more and no possibility of failure. I don't know what to do with myself.
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self.Anxiety
|
Headspace is amazing Anyone in here try the Headspace app for meditation? It’s really amazing and helps calm my racing mind. I never thought it would be possible to meditate but this app has really taught me how. I’ve been using it almost every day for the past couple weeks.
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self.Anxiety
|
I have so much problems Hello, I have 4 years depression and I don't know it anymore. I'm drowning in sadness. I don't know shat I feel.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I told my parents I failed and was insulted Okay some backstory. I recently failed a hard course (see past post history) and I did kind of run away. Without my dad’s knowledge I had a friend drive me over to a crisis area to see if I could talk to a therapist or someone in general. I couldn’t talk to an actual therapist but they were still helpful and told me not to kill myself yadda yadda.
They called up my dad but he didn’t really understand how bad suicidal tendencies could be. This afternoon he talked to my mom and told her I failed a course. She called me a disappointment and said she gives up on me. My dad tried to reason with her and told her to leave and give us some space but she never did. Plus she’s ignoring me right now on purpose... still acknowledging I’m a disappointment sometimes.
I hate this so much. I never wanted a bad grade either. I just want to die today or run away and never look back at my achievement oriented parents. I wish I was never born honestly.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm worried my depression is gonna cost me everything I've worked for. I'm supposed to be so happy right now. I'm in medical school, chasing a dream I've had since I was a kid. For the first time in my life, I have a reliable roof over my head and though I'm still financially struggling, things are a lot better than they were. But I'm fucking it up in the most disappointing and passive way possible. It's so hard to get out of bed and do what's required of me, whether it be basic chores or studying the material for class. I've tried countless tactics to help, sought out posts on /r/getdisciplined and am even in therapy, all with very little results if any. I'm on Welbutrin and while it helps me get up in the morning, I don't feel it after that. I just barely passed anatomy, and I have to retake a section in the fall that I failed. I just failed my first block exam, getting a 63 and a 67.
My life is going to absolute shit in front of me while I try to pull myself out of bed and peel my eyes off of my phone. I'm not even doing anything worthwhile, just mindlessly taking in whatever shit is on the front page. I am trying to find small areas of control in my life, and while I am getting a grip on my fitness and finances, I feel like I never have enough time in the day to take care of things properly. I feel burned out, and I'm only in my first semester. I can't stop or take time off because I would be so embarrassed and I would feel like an absolute failure, letting down everyone who helped me get here, plus I can't afford another $60k in debt. I just feel so trapped, and I absolutely hate myself for getting in this deep. I'm sorry, I just needed to rant, and I need someone besides myself to know my struggles.
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self.depression
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Crippling anxiety regarding college/progressing in life coupled with alcohol issues [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
People just hate me. People look down on me because im "poor". They see me as lazy loser. They believe everyone can be middle class. But im tired of treated like a Piece of crap. Why do People treat my like shit because i am lower class? Am i really worthless because i have no Money? Because i have live off welfare and sometimes get bad Jobs but These are unskilled positions so they don't last Long. Should i feel ashamed to be poor?
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self.depression
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How many? 3 times and I’ve failed every single time.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Unpopular opinion? Polar Express is terrifying... I can't be the only one who thinks this..? The whole movie is one big anxiety attack... everything from the second he finds the girls ticket.. man.. someone please tell me I'm not overreacting?
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self.Anxiety
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Whenever I get on LinkedIn, I just feel like my career life is a joke and I want to kill myself because I can't make it in life [deleted]
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self.depression
|
35 years on L-Tryptophan *Posts suggesting alternative medicinal treatments for bipolar disorder will be removed unless links to peer-reviewed articles are provided. We want /r/bipolar to be a safe reliable place to get information and ethically we cannot advocate any treatment that is not backed by hard science.*
**Such links are provided at the end of this post.**
There is a clear body of evidence that this can be an effective treatment for some fraction of bipolar patients but not all. All of these studies have small numbers of patients. There has been no large scale clinical trial. Several doctors have agreed to using L-Tryptophan in their clinical practice when treating me.
Here is my story: By 1982-3 my bipolar disease was in full swing. I was a short-cycler, with an extremely regular two week cycle - one week up, one week down. I kept a diary/journal during these years, and I would put a date by entries, Some years later I charted them, sure enough they alternated week by week like clockwork. There was a period when I had a job and would miss work every other Thursday, because that was the day of the crash after mania. Lots of things pointed to this regular cycle. I had managed to hang on (barely) through college but once I was out on my own, the lack of structure allowed me to go into free-fall.
I had been treated for bipolar disease by professionals, and tried a whole raft of medicines, !Lithium, and so on. Most created unacceptable side-effects, and didn't actually help my symptoms all that much. Lithium stopped mania but left me with persistent depression. I dumped all the prescriptions in about 1981 and started spiralling downhill.
During 1982-3 my life had unraveled. I was camping in the woods, for months, for all purposes homeless. Sometimes when hypomanic I could pick up a few odd jobs, and get enough money to eat for a few more days. Between 1979 and 1982 I had spent a significant amount of savings down to zero. On alternate weeks I would revel at the adventurous life I was living, then the next week think that what I was doing was simply a fool's errand and I had hit rock bottom. Very often I was suicidal in these periods, making elaborate suicide plans, drawing pictures of suicide, and other serious signs. I never acted on these feelings, but came mighty close very often. My physical appearance was atrocious - unkempt, filthy, ragged. I had stopped seeing any medical professionals about my condition.
I also could not sleep very well, especially when manic.
Someone told me L-Tryptophan would help sleep. I have no idea if this is so, but I started taking it at bedtime. After a few days, I did notice I was rested, but also I did not go manic on schedule. A few days more, and I did not go depressed on schedule. This was a shocking development to me, having lived by that two-week pendulum for years, a pendulum that swung more and more strongly with each passing year.
Within two years of that day I was married, held a professional job, cut the unkempt dreadlocks, shaved the ragged beard, and was able to control mania effectively. I've had manageable swings, since, but have been able to hold a professional job and raise a family, own a home, serve on volunteer positions, do all the normal things people do.
I have used L-Tryptophan since 1983, except for a period after 1989 when it became unavailable due to contamination from a manufacturer. It hasn't been perfect, but mood swings are not like they used to be. If I forget to take it, my family notices and asks me to get back on my meds, my behavior gives me away. During periods when I could not get Tryptophan, I'd usually start off with a manic phase and the cycle would kick in again. Eventually I found a psychiatrist who had been involved in some of the research on this amino acid, and he was surprised to find a patient had actually read his research papers. (**Beitman BD**, cited below). Beitman was quite enthusiastic about the use of L-Tryptophan in bipolar disease and help me adjust my protocols. I want to know if anyone else has used this amino acid for depression or bipolar disease, have you involved your doctor, and what were your experiences?
I don't claim this stuff will work for anyone else. Other folks in my family with similar symptoms have tried using it, without good results. It is certainly not a mainstream treatment, however there is a body of evidence in well-respected journals that show it may have some use for some fraction of sufferers. See below.
Bibliography:
A controlled clinical trial of L-tryptophan in acute mania. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/3886024
Potentiation of lithium by tryptophan in a patient with bipolar illness.https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/155408
L-tryptophan in mania. Contribution to a permissive hypothesis of affective disorders. Prange AJ Jr, Wilson IC, Lynn CW, Alltop LB, Stikeleather RA.https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/4587067
**L-Tryptophan in the maintenance treatment of bipolar II manic-depressive illness. Beitman BD, Dunner DL.** https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/7137405
L-tryptophan in depression. Farkas T, Dunner DL, Fieve RR.https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/779855
Serotonin precursors in the treatment of depression.
van Praag HM. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/6753514
L-Tryptophan: Basic Metabolic Functions, Behavioral Research and Therapeutic Indications https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2908021/
Mood-lowering effect of tryptophan depletion. Enhanced susceptibility in young men at genetic risk for major affective disorders. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8080345
L-tryptophan in neuropsychiatric disorders: a review. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/1305630
Tryptophan-nicotinamide, imipramine and their combination in depression. A controlled study. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/155389
Tryptophan in the treatment of depression. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/6459010
Abnormalities of indoleamines in affective disorders.Coppen A, Prange AJ Jr, Whybrow PC, Noguera R. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/5019886
L-tryptophan in depression. Coppen A, Noguera R. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/4191980
L-tryptophan in neuropsychiatric disorders: a review.
Sandyk R1. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/1305630
Adjunctive nutraceuticals with standard pharmacotherapies in bipolar disorder: a systematic review of clinical trials. Sarris J1, Mischoulon D, Schweitzer I. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22017215
Plasma tryptophan concentration in depressive illness and mania.
Peet M, Moody JP, Worrall EP, Walker P, Naylor GJ. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/1252689
A study of plasma tryptophan and tyrosine in mania.
Moody JP, Peet M, Naylor GJ. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/600898
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self.bipolar
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I managed to shower today... yay I had been putting it off all week (i don't have a job so its not like im going to work with bo) and neglected my stupid long hair. Every time i do this i end up with hair breakage. :( I really should just go and get my hair chopped short.
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self.depression
|
My brain can't make its mind up. Throwaway because friends know my main account and I don't feel comfortable letting others finding out yet.
I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 2 after an antidepressant-induced hypomanic episode. I quit them cold turkey and about a week later I crashed pretty hard. Physical fatigue, crying, anhedonia, lack of energy, too much sleep, suicidal thoughts...basically what my depression normally presents as.
Around the same time things went south I started lithium on a low dose (150mg) and about 7 days later that went up to 450mg. I'm working my way to 600mg now.
Right now I feel like things are coming back up but not all? Like today I woke up very energised and ready to go. Two days ago I was struggling to brush my teeth for example. Last night it took so much energy and effort to focus on school work. Today I'm on a roll with assignments and exams prep. My brain is flowing with ideas again after almost 2 weeks of slowed down thinking.
When I was hypomanic I lived off 3-5 hours of sleep. After the crash I could sleep for 12 hours and still be tired/want to just sleep. Now my sleep is coming down again and I'm not as fatigued.
The only thing that hasn't really changed (or rather labile) is my mood. I'm talking about going from feeling on top of the world to wanting to kill myself in the same time it took you to read this sentence. There's a lot of frustration from within. I'm not sure why exactly. I'm swinging from "I'm about to have my second breakthrough I can feel it!" to "You're nothing but a liability. You're a piece of shit. Kill yourself." I feel more optimistic about the future but also feel despair and hopelessness at the same time. I'm planning which of my possessions to give to charity and which to send back to my parents while bopping to Carly Rae Jepsen. If you were to stop me at that moment and ask me how I was feeling, I'd have said I feel really good and it wouldn't be a lie even though I was thinking about suicide.
Some of the above happens at the same time (despair Vs optimism) while others happen within short proximity (1-3 hours).
My mood is all over the place. Like I'm not depressed but I'm not happy. I mean I feel happy (not the euphoria I experienced while hypomanic) but also not at the same time. I'm good but like also kind of depressed but not proper. I just can't explain it.
Could it be lithium working? Does it even work that fast? I feel like things are going back up again but my mood has been left behind. And there's the added frustration mixed in with recurring suicidal thoughts. My mood is very labile rn but I don't know if that's the normal up and downs of day to day life??
Honestly I feel like if my mood could just go up again I'll be back to where I was when I was still taking the antidepressant. I feel like my body is READY TO GO again but my brain can't make its mind up.
I'm just trying to make sense of this. I'm really confused.
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self.bipolar
|
Everyday is a struggle. I am so tired. I am the loser in this world. Everyone hates me. I do nothing good. I should be fired from this company I work in. I should be shunned from society. I don't want to live anymore. I just don't want to, anymore. Just the thought of responsibility scares me, because I know I will screw it up. I am the worst person to ever for everyone who knew me. I don't know anything. I will never know anything. I hate myself so much. I just want it all to stop.
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self.depression
|
So hard to die I failed my hanging attempt again for the 8th time
I'm using the partial suspension method, and I cannot understand how it should work?
It's too slow to knock me unconscious, always giving me the chance to feel myself slowly dieing and then freak out untying myself last minute
I'm also afraid of surviving with brain damage too..
Full suspension seems too painful for me..
Someone please help me on this
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self.SuicideWatch
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I hate being myself I THINK I can call myself a neet, 20-year old engineering student that goes to school without talking to anyone. I have had a group, which I devoted myself into. I poured and shared everything that I am to my friends, while getting away from others. I never had a group when I was younger, I only had the chance to be in one in my uni, I thought that they will be my friend forever, too cheesy for a guy I think.
Everything went wrong when I did a group project with some of my friends, I was harsh with them (since I am the most knowledgeable with the subject/matter), I have been too straightforward with their mistakes because I want them to learn. But they were telling those to our other friends without me knowing, just to feel like everyone was avoiding me day by day.
Now no one even wants to be my friend anymore, life is so unfair. I have been like this to them before but why now? I know that I have been wrong but why didn't they talk to me about the matter? Now their friends are also avoiding me, everyone is avoiding me.
I started to be a neet sort of, playing games and reading mangas. I envy the life of the characters of the manga that I have read, I feel like I will grow old without having anyone to be with. I feel like a background character, one that no one even notices even if I suddenly disappear.
I tried carbon monoxide, I just can't. My family is holding me back. It hurts to be hated, it hurts to be avoided. I want to have friends, I should have lived my life withouth knowing one, but I got the feeling of being loved and cared, now I can't deal with the thought of dying without anyone noticing.
*I apologize for any sort of bad grammar.
I always ask myself "If I die, would I be given the chance to live again?", I just can't anymore. I have wasted enough, killing my self would not matter.
Last note: Yeah, reading this stuff makes you think of how immature the root of this thing is. I don't have a problem with that, the thing that keeps pulling me down is why almost all people hated me for something I didn't do to them. I have been carrying this thing for months now, I can say that I'm barely making it everyday by going to school without being noticed.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Does anyone else stay up late because they don't want tomorrow to start? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Drunk I’m drunk. I know I shouldn’t be. I guess this is me holding myself accountable for it.
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self.bipolar
|
Anybody else feel like you are holding your friends back? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I can't move on and it's slowly killing me. I miss my ex every single day, every minute, every second. I miss her so much i've become a shell of my former self. I'm angry all the time, i snap easily and it's mostly my mother and father who i lash out at because they are the only ones who cares about me. But i can't handle it, i can't handle anything anymore. It's been over nine months since she left me and i'm still crushed and i'm getting crushed over and over again. I saw her today, she didn't see me i think... But as always i just freeze, it's like a frozen dagger stabbing me in the back, i get so shaky and my heart starts to pound and i'm left sad as shit afterwards... Today, i went straight to the liquor store, bought some whisky and beer and started drinking. It's the only thing that keeps me sane.
I wish i could talk to her, but she doesn't want anything to do with me, she hates me... Our last kiss was on valentine's day, a month after our break up. I really thought we would get back together but she just stringed me along so she could get over me and get closure. I never got closure and i think about ending my life every day because i know i will never be happy or find love again.
I don't know what to do. I just can't keep going on like this. I need it to end.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I want to do it, but I'm a sucker for pain I was thinking about different ways, I could end it.
Even the smallest of things make me feel suicidal like downvotes.
I was going to run into a train but I can't handle the pain involved. I have nobody in person to talk to. Everyone that says talk to me online eventually stops talking.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How to tell my counselor what I'm going through without incriminating myself? I want to tell her about how I don't even want to be awake. I want to stop existing. I want it to be tomorrow just to fucking be done with today. But I'm anxious about tomorrow too. I don't want to have to face my problems and loneliness. I've been considering taking Unisom on my days off just so I don't have to be awake. If I'm asleep there's such a higher chance of me not being lonely and sad. Probably a third time it's nightmares, a third time is dreams that Im loved and a third is absolutely nothing. The nothing is the best. I don't know how to tell her without her thinking Im crazy. She can't prescribe me anything. Should I hold off until I get my psych eval done at a psychological center?
|
self.depression
|
When rating your mood from 1-10, what does each number mean to you? I've just started my mood diary, and I'm really struggling with the idea of rating my mood from 1-10.
Sometimes I feel like I'm just being dramatic for rating a day as a 1, because well, I haven't killed myself so I guess I'm not that depressed.
I also find it hard to quantify a mood. Depression really makes it harder, since mania is always like FUCK YEAH I'M AN 8. But depression always makes me feel like "I'm being dramatic" or "Why is today even a 1, it's not like anything bad actually happened", but I suppose those are symptoms of depression than anything.
What're your thoughts on a 1-10 scale and what does it look like for you?
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self.bipolar
|
Anyone else's mind moving at a mile a minute yet their body feels sluggish, almost sloth-like? Maybe it's anxiety but I've noticed recently that my head has been going off like wildfire yet I still am immobile and feel like I'm not in control. Random things that I don't want to think about are almost always going off in my head. For no reason at all, I'm thinking of several random things at once, hearing voices (not schizo like but just hearing talking), hearing music, hearing things around me and I can't concentrate or think straight at all. what's going on
edit:words
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self.depression
|
Worst christmas ever even though I never celebrated it My household doesnt celebrate xmas because of religious reasons but that doesnt stop me from loving it. We dont celebrate birthdays either but yeah I always had a love for christmas because it seemed so fun to sit at table with your loved ones and do fun stuff. 4 months ago when I was still in a relationship with my ex, I got invited by her family to celebrate xmas with them. It made me soooo happy that I finally got a chance to celebrate it plus with my girlfriend who I absolutely love. She broke up with me 2 months later after the invite which mentally broke me. So yeah now im in shambles because she posted a photo of her and her new bf sitting at the dinner table celebrating xmas. That picture is haunting me and hurts. So my shitty christmas is just me being lonely crying staring at the presents I bought for her (when we still were together). One big dissapointment
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self.offmychest
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I think I'm finally going mad I won't be suprised if nobody reads it, I'm used to people giving shit about me, but i think that a little bit of foolish hope has brought me here...I always was an pesimist, i always though that if i assume the worst-case scenario, I'll be prepared and ready to deal with everything, i was wrong, I was terribly wrong. I live in Poland, and i just turned 18. I had good, but hard childhood, everyone liked me, my family wasn't poor, and still i can have almost everything i can ask about. But i had horrible problems primary school, and my parents forced me to learn for 4 or 5 hours each day, when other children were playing and hanging out with each other, i always hated it, and in result i hate and refuse to study something I'm forced to until today. But still my times in primary school and middle school were good when everyone liked me, i even almost found love and almost got a girlfriend there (which i would rather not find for my own sake). But everything started to fuck up in high school. Me and my friend from middle school in which i fell in love (and she propably fell in me) got an serious argument and lost contact, i have broken my knee and went through surgery which effectively immobilised me for half a year and made fat, the one guy that followed me from primary school destroyed my reputation and convinced everyone into hating me and making fun of, because of that i had to change school (and serious maths problems) and for fucks sake from all of people i had to hit into a class full of good friend of my previous one, so my torment of being made fun of is continued which effectively made me aggresive, closed and paranoid. In second year i though that everything will start to become better, me and my friend reunited, she propably was still in love with me because she said she missed me, at least some thing were going quite good, but not for long...after a few weeks she told me that our old friend is propably in love with her, and some time later he gave up and stopped texting her, and then she snapped (propably same as me, she has never been in a relationship, and she realised that she lost another guy) so for a whole month i was basically her therapist and only support, i wanted to tell her that i still love her, but i couldn't. After a month our friend organised his 18th birthday party, me and she got drunk, she wanted me to get drunk that other guy who loved her and ask him "what the fuck does he want", and i did, he told he gave up, and he doesn't care anymore, when i told her about that, she started crying, her other friend went to talk with this guy, and i talked with them, and because i was drunk, i was stupid enough to push them both outside and talk, and now they're in almost year long relationship. I don't know why, their relationship is driving me mad, even if i know i will be able to get another woman, if one will show up (which doesn't) but knowing that i fucked up everything, that i lost a very beautiful and intelligent woman, drives me mad and into thinking that I will never find anyone, we barely talk anymore because her boyfriend has priority and she has a lot of studying, and it drives me mad. I'm in a 3rd year of high school now, and it's terrible, everyone turned away from me, i have serious problem with my marks, no motivation to study, and my parents gave me a lot extra lessons, and in result i barely have time to do something for myself, i feel like a broken slave, i want to die, and i don't know what to do to stop feeling that constant pain, frustration and shitty feeling. I tried professional help, and it hadn't worked, parents and few friend left tells me that my university time will be better, but I'm afraid it never will be better
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self.depression
|
I have depression and need help (20/f) I dont know what to do or where to turn, maybe this can help me. You can probably help if you know why I am depressed. The first thing was me ending my 5 year relationship with my fiance and realizing he had cheated on me and now has a 2 year old son(while we were together). I went on a cruise and came back and he was back with his baby momma, I was shocked. I thought he would want to work it out and get back with me. Then my grandmaw passed away of an unexpected heart attack in her home a day before my sister's birthday and before Christmas. She was my best friend, I could talk to her about everything and saw her everyday. That has caused my anxiety and depression and I would love help, or advice. I am going through alot right now and just anything that could help....thank you
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self.depression
|
"I'm here if u need to talk" Why is this the only thing people say if you are in pain. Everyone just wants to talk about it, not act on anything or actually fix the problem. And when you do start telling people your problems, they say wow that sucks and they move on. Everyone is so fucking fake. I'm just trying to make it through senior year without killing myself.
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self.depression
|
Parents/Mother harasses me about my weight and destroys my confidence. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I don't know if I'm asexual or just anxious about sex. I'm 24 and I've been sexually active for years, and with the same partner for 2 1/2 years. I always thought I was asexual until my current relationship started and i really enjoyed everything we did for awhile. Now I'm back to apathy at best, feeling extremely anxious in sexual situations at worst. We've had sex twice in the last 6 months.
I feel like i still want to have sex but I shut down if I think it's going to happen.
I'm not looking for advice. I'm just curious if anyone else has a similar experience?
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self.Anxiety
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I wish I had what it takes to kill myself today That's what I want. I want the mood swings to stop. I want the med adjustments to stop. I want the suicidal gut feeling to stop. I'm in therapy, I see my pdoc regularly, and I'm still this way. I want to do it. I'm not because I feel like I haven't reached out enough. The person I go to the most is sidestepping my cries for help and I'm not up to talking to anyone else. I refuse to call 911 or go inpatient. I want to die. I know that's what I want. But for some reason I can't. It's like I'm not trying hard enough to not die. So I'm posting on here as a way of trying.
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self.bipolar
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Starting to feel manic, and thought.. ..Being depressed is when I beg to God, and being manic is when I am A God..
..Can't lie, on that little comeup/comeback it feels good, eating good, working out, trying to channel it into areas that help me. May only be a matter of time till it leads to something else..but i think i've learned my lessons; not sure if I need meds yet...
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self.bipolar
|
What's the point in trying to improve when there's no endgoal Like, I see all these methods both online and offline on how to get better and dealing with depression, etc, but I do not see what the end goal is. From all the people who post these things on how they managed to deal with depression and improve etc, it always seems like they had positive notes in their lives even when they were depressed, like they had interests and hobbies or they had a career they were interested in pursuing but they couldn't because depression was too powerful, etc etc.
But whenever I look at a potential hypothetical life where I am dealing with depression and feeling better, there is still just nothing there. I have no interests, I dislike and am terrible at interacting with people, there is no career path I have ever in my life been interested in. Like, if I beat depression, then what? Life is still empty and sucks, just in a different way. I am 28 years old now, I have tried so many things and thought about different options but there's just nothing to motivate me to actually improve.
I thought I had interests like music, books or video games or tv shows etc but it turns out they are all only a way of escapism, of not thinking about my depression for a few hours every day. I've hated every job I ever had, and there's nothing I can imagine that I would want to work with. I have a bachelor's degree and I'm a thesis away from a master's but I never actually enjoyed any of it, I just did it instead of working because I dislike that even more.
I feel lonely a lot but every time I have human interaction I fucking hate it and long for solitude, I feel super self aware and uncomfortable and I leave pretty quickly. I have nothing to say to anyone, and I cannot make myself interested in what almost anyone else says, no matter how hard I try. Even when someone is talking about something somewhat interesting I just zone out after a while unintentionally and realize they've been saying things and I have no idea what's going on.
I don't even remember the last time I wasn't depressed but it was probably when I was 13 or something, I remember as a teen I thought my depression stemmed from not being able to communicate with people well enough to ever have sex. But well as it turns out I became moderately attractive and nowadays when drunk I do manage to hook up with a girl every now and again, but I've never actually enjoyed sex and I always feel like shit afterwards and never want to talk to or see the girl again. I've never had a relationship because I hate intimacy. So that whole thing is not the answer either.
Like, I just truly do not see the point for anything. Even if I magically lost my depression I would still have no interests, no job or career I would ever want, no ability to communicate well with people and no interest in sex or relationships. So what's the point? I have kept pushing the decision of suicide further into the future throughout my life because I've felt some vague hope that things might change but now at 28 I just don't see anything changing anymore.
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self.depression
|
What are the differences/similarities to bipolar and borderline personality disorder? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
I don't know if I should feel bad for being annoyed at this girl with adhd. She's in two of my English classes. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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My GPA is a 1.86 I’m not going to get anywhere in life. Gonna work retail for the rest of my damn life... I’m a failure Jesus Christ whhy do fucking art schools want us to have good gpas I’m stupid as all shit I just don’t do my homework because I don’t want to and don’t understand it and there’s no way I can fix this now m
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self.depression
|
Someone talk to me about viibryd I hope this is appropriate for this board ... I know we're all different and have different reactions, but I need some advice/reassurance.
My doctor recently put me on Viibryd ... yesterday was my third day taking 10 mg. I woke up in the middle of a panic attack last night ... and now this morning I can't get rid of the burning feeling in my chest and going into my extremities. It's been the entire day. I think it's a reaction to the medication.
My doctor did tell me with Viibryd the anxiety can get worse before it gets better, it typically takes around a week. But ... this is awful. I don't know what to do since it's a Sunday. My BP and heart rate are normal but it's been like a day long panic attack and it just won't end. Does anyone have any advice or thoughts?
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self.Anxiety
|
how do you deal with irrational anger in stressful situations? I don't get manic often, and even when I do, it's mostly mild. My mood has been pretty stable lately (because I've managed to avoid high-stress situations).
Currently, I'm going through a somewhat stress-inducing situation which is out of my control. Yesterday, I could feel the mania creeping up on me.
It's the helplessness I'm feeling that is getting to me the most. I'm borderline obsessed with micro-managing my life and making sure everything is perfect. Accepting that something is out of my control and forgiving myself for not being able to fix it is extremely difficult for me.
But when I feel angry (over being helpless to "fix" the situation), I simply cannot think rationally even for a second. The rage is extreme and unlike anything I've ever felt at other times. I just want to give in and let it all out - which is not a good idea at all. I'd probably end up breaking things or picking fights with people.
What can I do to control the rage (in the moment) and calm down at least to the point where I can assess the situation?
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self.bipolar
|
Anyone else hates how close the New Year is to Christmas? That's two major holidays within 8 days. It's a bit overwhelming ...
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self.depression
|
How're you feeling? It's so easy to get caught up in issues and how other people are feeling, and sometimes I feel like I don't want to make a post to talk about how I feel but would talk about it if somebody asked, so I wanted to ask you guys. Open up, vent, celebrate, complain, what's going on?
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self.bipolar
|
It’s half 7 and I’m going to sleep. I’m not massively tired (well, I’m always tired but not anymore than usual) and I don’t have to be up early. I just want to stop being me for a while and this seems to be the only way that people are alright with. Just wish I could actually get to sleep now.
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self.depression
|
i’m so fucking tired i’ve lost everyone i really care about and it’s taking a huge toll on me. no one will look at me or talk to me. i’m so lonely. i’m so upset. i’m so goddamn tired of feeling this way. i just wanna keep sleeping all day. i just want this to end. why do i fuck up every single thing? i’m just tired. i’ve tried so many antidepressants and none of them have done shit. nothing makes me truly happy anymore. please just let my life end
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self.depression
|
Missing work and stuff So I went home after half a day yesterday and didn't go in today. I think Danger is mad at me for not going. But you know what, he'd better not say anything because he hasn't worked in 8+ years.
The anxiety and panic I have is terrible. Being at work is depressing. Maybe I am depressed, idk. I am tired of days. I don't want any more. I thought I would be done with life at 21 but at 21 I kept going. Now I'm 33 and I don't want this anymore.
I see my therapist next Monday. I don't see my pdoc until Mid December if I'm lucky, and they can't get me in any sooner.
IDK what there is to do. I should have gone to work and just been miserable, I guess. Now I'm at home thinking that I suck.
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self.bipolar
|
I wish I'd stop putting on a happy face and pretending I'm not holding on by a thread [NAW] I also wish someone would see the desperation in my eyes without me dropping the mask.
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self.offmychest
|
How d do you deal with people that are completely full of shit I can call it being the bigger person because it's petty BS. However I'm being judged as a spinless cunt
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self.depression
|
I’m important too! My husband and I are starting a business together. We’ve officially been at it for 1 year. He has taken my dream and ran with it. He is trying to control every aspect. For the most part, I let him. He like to micromanage.
The thing is, he proclaims all he has done for the business and how much he has personally put into it. It’s been 90% my money. I depleted and sank my entire retirement fund into this. It’s been my art, technique, intuition, and teaching him how to do it all since the very beginning.
He takes me very much for granted in all I do for him.
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self.offmychest
|
Cutting him out of my life was the best decision I’ve ever made. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
"The fact that you've made it this far proves how strong you are." I don't care.
I don't give a single shit how strong you think I am.
I'm not on this planet to 'wow' you all with how much meaningless suffering I can endure.
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self.depression
|
I want to cry or beat myself up I don’t have the strength to do either. What the hell is wrong with me? Should I get some help?
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self.depression
|
I'm 22 and I'm learning to drive but I'm just so bad at it and it's extremely frustrating [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
So lonely that I had to take a drive around [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Just gonna vent about how much I hate myself [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Toxic and Worthless I'm really bad at making friends, and worse at moving on when I mess up and lose one. My trust issues make it a lot harder to accept that certain people genuinely care for me. I want to make it up to them but I'm not given the chance, and ultimately, I don't know how to. I can't move on - I lost some of these friends well over a year ago. Every time I close my eyes all the happy memories play in my mind and I can't turn them off. It hurts because they feel so useless and meaningless. The people in those memories hate me now. But even now they're still more family to me than my actual family.
A few months ago I had a really bad anxiety attack and said a lot of awful things to a friend who had been incredibly amazing and supportive. She no longer talks to me. After continued therapy and meds, sobering up, and staying away from the knife, I was unable to prove to her that I had gotten any better. And I haven't. I cut off all my friends without saying a word because I knew that I would rely on them and that there was a good chance of another bad attack, and because I felt unwanted, excluded, and hated. After several weeks, I tried to reconnect with some of them, but they definitely want nothing to do with me and thoughts of hurting myself get stuck on a loop. I feel ashamed that I've let my depression get this far.
Even if they were to give me another chance, I'm not even sure how to be happy at this point. I don't know how to open up to them, and what I have said doesn't even scratch the surface. They don't know about either suicide attempt and if they do know they will just be further away. I know that I will unintentionally make them feel worse, manipulate, and push them away. I don't want to, but I become a really shitty person when I get close to people. I've tried watching for the signs, but I can't seem to prevent it. In addition, I don't think I would feel any different. I think that I would still feel unwanted, even if that isn't how they feel or treat me. I don't know what to do.
I don't want to be alone, but I also don't want to be a harmful presence to the people that I care about. And it seems that I piss them off no matter what I do, and I don't know if I actually am or not because I'm so broken at this point. I'm so tired of letting everyone down, but that seems to be the only thing I'm good at.
Everything is so convoluted at this point that I don't even know if I'm being honest or hiding parts. I've been eating almost entirely bread. Just a few pieces a day. I have no appetite or desire to eat. I don't feel any hunger pains, I'm just tired - so all I do is sleep. Over the semester, I missed several classes regularly because I was unable to get out of bed. I just want everything to end and I don't see the point of being optimistic, even though I try. I only end up crushed even more each time.
Even if they wanted to help, I don't think they can. They can't magically make me better. I can't ask them to do something for me or try something because it isn't their problem and they shouldn't have to deal with it.
At this point, I'm willing to do anything to make things right and go back to normal. I want to apologize and I want them to understand how sincere it is. I want to earn back their trust, friendship, and forgiveness. But I don't deserve that. I can't wrap my head around how that is all impossible and how meaningless my apologies are because of my actions.
Not really sure what can be said. I'm just venting and hopefully letting someone else know that they aren't alone.
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self.depression
|
I dream of peace I dream of a hidden place deep inside a rain forest, where theres peace. I can see myself walking around there, with good companions, not worrying about doing good in school, having to go to work, social media, parents, family etc.
I’m considering dropping everything i have, and go on a search for this place. I know it aint a smart move, but honestly, what are we doing with our lives? We work, we die. That’s it. I’d rather have a long adventure and see how things go from there. I’d rather enjoy my adventure for some years, and end up homeless, than work. Are humans made for working? I dont think so. That’s not how i want to live my life. I dont want my work to become my life.
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self.offmychest
|
How do you stop thinking that you are bothering/annoying people? I keep on thinking that, but I've been trying to fight it by sending things I want to send (messages), but now still have a more intense anxiety!
|
self.Anxiety
|
Cognitive behavioral therapy? Hello everyone, this is my first time ever writing something in reddit. Right now I'm not doing well, but next week I 've my first appointment to a cognitive behavioral therapy. Does anyone here tried it before? Does it help?
My mind scares me sometimes and it was time to make a move.
(English isn't my native language, sorry if there are mistakes)
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self.Anxiety
|
Any ladies in the Milwaukee area wanna go on a bender, help me relapse and cross some shit off my bucket list? Or just meet up and hang out, without any of the crazy shit. Either way. I'm 27/male
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Anyone else addicted to self-neglect? I don’t know if it’s depression or if I’m just a bit of a masochist, but I’ve realized that I’m “addicted” to neglecting myself. A lot of the time, it feels good to feel bad.
Feeling tired/exhausted - comforting.
Feeling hungry is rewarding.
Being stressed from procrastination feels natural now.
Hell, the world being a bit blurry because I refuse to wear my glasses is alright, too. I like the disconnect.
I think I’ve become so accustomed to feeling depressed and not doing simple things like sleeping, eating, working, or bothering to find my specs, actually taking care of myself is strange and unnerving. I feel disoriented when I feel “normal.”
I guess my question is if this is typical of depression or if something else is wrong. Anyone else feel this comfortable in their depression, but simultaneously despise it?
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self.depression
|
no one wants to talk to depressed people no one likes you or wants to speak to you all they do is ignore you
|
self.depression
|
I'm tired of living with this fucked up brain [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I don't know if I can make it in university It feels so weird because everyone else seems to have so much faith in me, but I have next to none in myself.
My art teacher is looking forward to putting up my works for sale at an exhibition in two weeks, and talking about us entering a business partnership to sell more work at an art festival next year. My programme director just encouraged me yesterday to keep working hard, because I'm one of the best performers in my programme.
And it's true, there are times when I do really good work, and I feel so happy and proud of myself. Like yesterday.
But most of the time, like today, I feel like I'm trying to run a race with a broken leg. Except that I'm the only one who fully understands that my leg is broken.
I don't know if it's the fact that my family support (emotional support especially) is so flaky, that sometimes I seem to be unable to accept support from anyone else.
But I really feel so tired and pained all the time, and I feel like I'm running out of reasons to keep trying. I admitted to a few close friends last week that I wanted to kill myself. I don't make that admission lightly.
Everything seems to get me down. Every disappointment feels like a major betrayal, and despite the fact that I know the people around me - at least some of them - do genuinely like me, I feel like disposable garbage. I need so much support right now, that I feel like I'm being a burden to everyone. They insist that I'm not, but I know people have said that before, and they didn't really mean it.
Sometimes I feel vaguely aware that my view of reality is distorted, and I'm not perceiving situations and people correctly, but then I'm not really sure whether that awareness is correct, or if it's just me doubting myself.
I just feel... sick. That's the only way for me to describe to people how I feel anymore. I feel sick - and hope that they understand that I mean that I'm having one of my bad days.
I'm on medication, but sometimes I'm not sure that it's helping. It seems to help at first, but then life problems just keep piling up, and I find that I can't cope anymore. I consider drinking sometimes, just to see if it can help me cope. I feel like I need more and more medication, but I know that's not how I should deal with it. I need to learn proper coping skills. I think I just don't understand what exactly I need to ask for. I don't even know what's wrong with me anymore. I just don't know.
At this rate, even if I manage to finish school, I wonder if I'll be able to deal with the rest of my life afterwards.
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self.depression
|
This guy needs help in a small sub (X-post /r/AskLEO) https://www.reddit.com/r/AskLE/comments/7s3cus/please_dont_lock_or_delete_this_post_i_cant_find/
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Anxious about upping lamictal So my doctor was super aggressive with upping my lamictal, so I’ve kind of been doing what seems to be the norm. Up every two weeks - 25 50 100 200. Doctor wanted to skip the 100. SJS doesn’t sound fun, so I took it slow (doctor said it’s ok) and did 50 at night to 50 twice a day (100). Tomorrow is 2 weeks, so I’m going to 100 twice a day (200), but because of my doctor wanting to up me so fast to begin with, it has me super freaked out. I don’t see my normal psychiatrist until Friday. I’m kind of nervous my doctor will send her a thing saying I’ve been on 200 longer than I’ve been and that she’ll be upset with me (I doubt that’s likely). I’m just afraid of upping too fast.
Besides that, I think my body is super sensitive to blood pressure changes. Salt is supposed to raise your blood pressure, and I end up drinking a ton and going to the bathroom super often (occasionally I’ll go and still feel like I have to go). Seroquel is supposed to up blood pressure, and I’ve had that side effect randomly. My blood pressure is oddly fantastic (108/70ish), so it’s definitely not too high. It’s not a big deal right now (super random, most days it’s not like that), but I know it says to stop because of high blood pressure. Maybe I eat more salt some days than I realize? It’s a night only type of thing. I plan on telling my psychiatrist still.
|
self.bipolar
|
Left BPSO...Also BP I left my husband and I knew what that entailed when I did it. We would move out of the apartment and for the first time in over a decade I would have to function on my own. The problem is I really didn’t understand what that meant, I have been taking care of him. I thought I would be ‘free’ and I just feel kind of empty. I tried to find some like minded people on another subreddit and was told I’m not ‘acting’ like someone who is ‘ready’ to be divorced.
After that I wasn’t in the mood to explain bipolar and the nuances to someone so I left and came here. I just needed to get it out there...it was the right thing to do and he even agrees with me. Still I feel so empty and don’t know what to do with myself.
|
self.bipolar
|
Peaceful So all week I have been suicidal but scared and terrified. Since last night I have felt quite comforted by the idea that I’m going to kill myself. Spent some time trying to think of methods. I’m even happy the action would hurt others. It’s peaceful to me.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
A poem Tap, tap, a familiar sound,
I can not describe, I can not explain.
Contentious thoughts make my head pound,
what can one do to hide the pain?
Are my feet really on the ground,
is there an end to the rain?
Silence, no true voice,
do we really have a choice?
Fight and fight, it must be worth,
do them proud, who gifted you birth.
Listen, you have a reason,
not loving yourself is truly treason.
Dark times help you grow,
life does not allow many a break.
Fight and fight, it truly shows,
there is much more than YOUR life at steak.
Fight the stream, row and row,
the waves will calm and reveal a lake.
All we can do is search for belief,
search, search, all find relief.
At points, we all feel alone,
but your strength has already been shown.
Waking up may be hard,
but your recovery is never barred!
|
self.depression
|
My dad yelled at me for mistaking the appointment with my therapist (not my fault) Today i had an appointment with my therapist and i clearly remember we said it would be friday and she told me it was for yesterday and that she called me even though i didnt received any calls on my phone and when i called my dad to pick me up he told me im dumb as fuck and not able to do anything right and it hurt me really bad, my sadness got higher...
|
self.depression
|
I am going to jump my balcony in 5 hours when it’s all quiet downstairs. But I am also sad for the life that I will never have. But I know that I need to do this! It’s necessary! I have been bullied my entire life by outsiders and my family and I have been working to improve my life for the last 6.5 years but nothing has changed. Today my brother also beat me up. This is it. I am done. But I am sad that I will never have a boyfriend or even love. I have never had a boyfriend. I have never been loved by somebody I love. I am not killing myself because of that. I am killing myself because I have been tortured my entire life by my mom and my dad and my brother too and too many ex-friends/classmates/schoolmates/collegemates/ generally people in the outside world. I had some hope in the last few weeks but today my brother also beat me up and so i am done. There is no hope for me. I need to kill myself. I am going to kill myself. It’s just a few hours because I don’t want to be seen or found. I just want to get this out there that somebody will hear me for once in my life. Thank you so much if you do.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
if anyone needs to talk my chat is open. we are all suffering under the same weapon. I have depression as well and I understand how overwhelmingly heavy it can get, it helps to talk. also it’s usually easier to write than to say certain things out loud. if anyone needs to talk to someone I get it and I’ll listen.
|
self.depression
|
I'm bad at making conversation and I've always been told that asking questions is a good way to make conversation but It always feels unnatural and as if, I'm invading their privacy [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
I’m elated I haven’t felt this way in a while but I needed it. It’s when I kinda lose my mind but in the best way possible. Everythings so damn simple and I can die happy. There’s no future and no past theres just this 90s japanese rock blasting in my ears I’m elated and I don’t want to die
|
self.depression
|
My life feels like one bad decision after another I've made many mistakes in the past but this past year has just been mistake after mistake and I have moments where I just want to give up on everything.
It starts out with me getting a speeding ticket, nothing major, I was in a 40 mph zone and I was approaching a 55 mph zone. I speed up to early, a cop sees me and I get my first ticket. I pay it off and take a class so my insurance rates don't go up, no big deal.
Fast forward a couple months, I've been in a relationship with a girl for over a year. I start talking to my ex again and find myself getting into arguments with my girlfriend more often, usually over something small and stupid as well. I should mention that my girlfriend knew I was talking to my ex and didn't like her at all but tolerated me talking to her. I should have took the way she felt into account but I didn't for whatever reason. Gradually, the arguments gets worse and we end up getting into an argument and break up. It wasn't on terrible terms and we were talking as friends for about a week, but then she found out I had gotten with my ex and she stopped talking to me. This was my first big mistake and probably my biggest regret.
A month later, I'm driving on the interstate at around 1 in the morning and I'm going way over the speed limit. I get pulled over and the cop says I was going 108 mph in a 70 mph. My initial thought was "fuck me, I'm actually stupid. I can't believe this happened." The cop gives me a ticket and takes my license, but let's me drive to my destination. I deserved the ticket 100% and I was lucky that he didn't arrest me. I'm sure many of you might think that I shouldn't even be able to drive anymore and you're probably right.
Between the ticket and my court date, I get an amazon credit card. I regret this decision as well. I maxed it out way to quickly and now I'm stuck making payments on it. Stupid decision on my part.
When my court date finally arrives, I receive 750 dollars in lawyer fees, 350 dollars in fines for the ticket itself, and one 8-hour traffic class. I got extremely lucky with the punishment and I deserved a lot more. What I did was stupid and reckless, I'm aware.
So after those events, I'm stuck with the regret of breaking up with my girlfriend, 3k in credit card fees, and I owe my parents 1k. Well there's still more.
After all that, I realize that I'm tired of my current job and I want to go to college and get a career in an IT field, but I don't want to deal with student loans, so I tell myself I'm going to join the military. Firstly, it would help me learn discipline, I have no doubt my maturity would improve, and they would pay for college once I'm out of the military. My parents think it's a great idea and they really encourage it. Despite really wanting to do this, I just can't stop myself from being lazy and procrastinating. I know I need to see and talk to a recruiter, but I just keep putting it off.
Well, I put it off for too long, because now I got another ticket. Nothing big, just 10 over, but combine the fact that it's my third ticket within close to a year, that's where the trouble comes in and I'm worried I might lose my license, which I really need to get to work. I feel like I'm in deep shit and I know it's my own fault. I just can't seem to stop making mistakes. I know we all do, but I feel like I have been fucking up more than I should. I'm just stuck in debt and I'm barely able to pay all my bills and I don't really know what to do anymore. Plus these past few weeks, I can't stop thinking about the girl I broke up with, she is constantly on my mind and I always wonder if all this would have happened if I hadn't broken up with her. I'm young and I'm sure I'll get over it but right now it just hurts a lot and I completely regret it...
I just really don't know what to do anymore and I feel completely hopeless. It's not meant to be a sob story or anything, I guess I just wanted to type everything out. It helps a little I guess.
Im sorry it's long and I also apologize for any formatting mistakes since I did this all on my phone...
|
self.offmychest
|
Why do I feel like I’m lying about being sick? Hi, I’m coming to terms with the fact that I have some unaddressed issues with anxiety, but it presents in some ways that I hadn’t recognized before.
I’m dealing with some serious health issues, most recently IBD which is super painful and is probably going to result in me dropping classes this semester. I know I’m in pain. I know I have tests that show something is wrong, but I still feel like I’m lying? Like I’m making it up and it’s not that bad and I’m just being dramatic? I just can’t shake this feeling that I’m faking it, and it’s destroying my self esteem and keeping me from asking for help. Why do I feel this way? Is there a name for it/has anyone else ever felt this way?
|
self.Anxiety
|
fake depression?? i dont know, but for the past 4 months ive felt borderline suicidal but at the same time really happy. its like no matter how i feel, in the back of my head i just want to lay down and let whatever happens, just happen. i keep thinking that im somehow faking it but idk.
|
self.depression
|
I'm bored... ...of everything. I'm bored of my life. My job. My family. My only friend who also happens to be my boyfriend. I feel stuck doing the same things day in and day out. I'm surrounded by people who are constantly afraid of leaving their bubble and try new things. They sit and they complain about how much they hate their lives and how bad the world is. I love experiencing new and changing things all the time. I want to learn and explore and travel but I'm stuck where i am and it feels like it will never change.
Everything i get passionate about no one takes seriously and my ideas get knocked down.
I work a crappy fast food job with crappy pay that never changes. I got screwed over by my college and i hate school anyways. I have seasonal depression on top of this and it's making everything feel worse. I can't even drive anywhere by myself because everyone's too nervous to teach me how to drive. My leathers permit expires next year even though i have my own car and pay insurance.
I'm constantly itching to move and go do things. But i also want to just lay down and sleep forever because what's the point. I beat myself up and feel guilty for being sad because i should be doing /something/ all the time but i feel so fat and lazy.
Everything's the same and boring all the time. I feel so dull and empty and lifeless.
Why can't i just get up and do /something/
|
self.depression
|
Any way to stop anxiety before doing something? I’m having really bad anxiety right now because I’m about to walk my neighbours dog. I used to walk her a lot more but I haven’t for two weeks. I’m shaking really bad and usually I just go inside and get the dog but I always feel weird doing that. I’m not sure if I should ring they doorbell or just go in like I used to.
|
self.Anxiety
|
[nSFW] Watching porn again after almost a year without... is porn okay if you're bipolar? Is my behavior normal? [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
Almost done with this garbage life As the day of my suicide draws closer I’ve been sure to keep appearances up so my parents have no idea. It’ll probably hit them like a truck out of nowhere, just seeing me die, I doubt they have any real idea it’s coming. The idea of finally being free of all the bullshit, is the most comforting thought I’ve had in years. I wish it didn’t have to end this way, and I wish I had done many things differently, but hey sometimes you just get fucked over by the world. Sometimes you’re just unlucky, I get it, I’ve accepted it, and I’m ready to die. In case this is my last post here goodbye everyone.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm in the midst of what seems to be my worst mixed state yet and I don't know what to do. This kind of feeling is new to me I was feeling awesome yesterday and the day before, and really good the week before then. Now I feel fantastic and disgusting at the same time. It's horrible. It's really bad. It's only been a few hours since the dysphoria both mood and gender kicked in and it's already unbearable. I can't do this anymore. I have so much energy byt I'm depressed, wanting to hurt myself, and euphoric at the same time. I threw my desk clock against the wall and cried profusely because I felt so bad for the clock because I had hurt it. That kind of stuff.
I see my therapist this morning. She will most assuredly refer me to the ER, but I can't go through that department again. I can't fucking afford that shit. I don't know what to do. I'd show up at the behavioral health unit to see if they'd take me in but I don't know how it would work if I'm manic and depressed at the same time. They don't have manic patients there to my knowledge. I've only ever been inpatient for depression so I don't know how this works for mixed/dysphoric manic states. I really need help, now. Are there any resources I should be taking advantage of in this case? Thanks
|
self.bipolar
|
What is it like having more than one friend (excluding your partner)? Throughout my life I would only have one friend at a time. Some of which those were just acquaintances. Now that I'm 20 years old, I only have one best friend who is also my only friend. I also have a boyfriend but he doesn't count.
I would always see those around me with other friends, including my sister and partner. My sister has always had lots of friends and made them very quickly. I'd always be jealous of her as a child, then as an adolescent and now even as an adult for having so many of them and even having options. My sister always had someone to hang out with and would always go out with them. My boyfriend is the same thing. He has a group of friends which they are all best friends. He's always talking to them and would hang out with them. I get jealous of him too. My best friend on the other hand is sort of similar. Although she does have a few other friends, it's not nearly as much as my sister and boyfriend. But now that she's two hours away for school so the only person I have as a 'friend' is my boyfriend.
Even now at the age of 20 I can get extremely jealous (and sometimes do) of my sister and boyfriend because they have multiple friends. I've never told them nor will I ever but sometimes the feeling is extremely strong.
So, what is it like having more than one friend? Suppose you need to rant to someone, who would you choose? Or if you wanted to go out with a friend how would you choose if both of them are available? I've always wondered.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Anyone else experienced panic attacks? So I recently switched from Seroquel to Latuda for a few reasons, mainly weight gain and sedation. I'm going through a massively stressful time separating from my ex-wife and custody battles with our kids, but I've found I'm experiencing quite pronounced anxiety attacks. I wonder if this is a result of not having as much Seroquel in my system, combined with the stress of my separation? Has anyone else experienced this, and if so how did you deal with the anxiety and panic? Just so you're all aware, I'm not interested in benzodiazepine treatment as using diazepam or similar would impact on my work!
|
self.bipolar
|
DAE ever forget or doubt their own depression, simply because its gotten so normal to them? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
"Are you OK?" makes me cry. I'm /that/ emotional today. I had a bad day at work; boss called me in for a talk and he told me that I'll have to leave the company this year instead of next February. I haven't found a substitute job. I'm 25 and already in debts.
I was trying to keep it together well throughout the day but heres the thing - every time someone asks, "Are you ok?" I break down brawling. And this trigger statement happened quite many times before but I never really addressed it.
I don't know how I'm going to get through this period. But at least there's this platform. I don't know who's ever going to read this. (but whoever you are, i hope you're having a lovely day)
|
self.offmychest
|
I just need somebody... Anybody please I just had someone close to me, my only current friend who I spent alot of time with tell. Me that they were tired of hanging out with me and a bunch of other stuff... I don't know what to do anymore, I've had almost every friend and person I've gotten close with do this to me. I have no one and I feel so broken... Is this just something about me that makes people like this tword me? I haven't been able to be in a stable relationship yet either... I just... I don't have anyone and I don't want to be my alone... I'm sorry for this sudden vague and edgy post reddit but I just need someone... Anyone please... I can't continue to live like this
|
self.depression
|
people use "abusive" way too lightly now. ([NAW]: i'd like to hear your opinion though) as someone who's been through emotional abuse, it's bullshit that people think it's okay to just use it to describe shitty actions someone did. don't get me wrong, i am supportive of people who've been through abuse and are speaking up about it, but when it's something that was one time and even apologized for- it's not abuse. abuse has everything to do with intent and repetition. it really hurts me when people call other people abusive because of small things that they don't like.
|
self.offmychest
|
I officially have no living grandparents Today my mom called me to tell me that her mother passed away. She was 92 years. I spoke to her over the phone a few weeks back and before then, I had no contact with her for years. I really resented her for the way she treated my mother as a child and an adult. A little over a year ago, I left an extremely abusive relationship. When we lived together, I would go back and forth about whether I should visit my grandma or not. He would tell me to forget about her and if she treated my mom terribly, I should never speak to her again. I wish I didn’t listen to him. I don’t know why I did. I wish I would’ve been with a partner who empathized with my desire to reach out to an aging grandparent. But it was ultimately my choice.
I’ve been feeling a lot of frustration over that relationship this week. I’m 25 and had been with him for about five years. I was an honors student a prestigious university and the abuse effected me so much that I lost my job and had to withdraw from school (after my grades were affected). I recently applied for readmission and while I was writing letter I had to submit explaining my circumstances, I couldn’t stop crying and wanting to shake my younger self. How could I had been so insecure and blind? Why would I jeopardize my future and all my goals over a guy who tried to sabotage me every chance he got? Why didn’t I love myself more and choose myself instead of constantly allowing him back into my life because he “needed me”?
I also came across a letter I wrote to him last year after the breakup. I’d never reread it but it sucked knowing that even after the breakup I allowed him to manipulate me into having sex. I even felt guilty because he called me crying saying he was struggling with the breakup and missed me and not to cut him off only to be in a new relationship a couple days later. He didn’t even tell his family we broke up so I had to inform them after they called me to ask about the new girl he was taking everywhere.
I don’t want him back and had moved on but this week has felt triggering af. All of those old feelings are popping up. I deliberately chose to be single to heal, work on myself and focus on my future but it would be nice to have a partner to lean on during times like this. My ex reached out to me earlier this year via email stating that he was in a car accident that made him think about life and he wanted to know if I was doing well. I told him not to contact me again and that experience brought back feelings of anxiety and distress. There’s no real point of this post but kind words would be appreciated.
|
self.offmychest
|
I was doing better and then I realised I screwed up again... Hi!
Two years ago, I finally broke and quit the job that burned me out. I had a few good months but then I ran out of time and money so I moved back in with my parents.
It was fine at first, they were so glad to have me back and I was getting some financial help from the gov. to tide me over while I looked for work. Sure, I wasn't happy, but I was getting treatment for my depression again and my folks were actually chill about my unemployment for a change.
But it's dragging on now and I'm feeling a lot of pressure to go into teaching even though it's not what I really want to do. I don't know what I want to do. I'm 32 years old.
Oddly enough, I was actually starting to feel better at the end of 2017. I signed up to pass the exams to become a teacher, mostly to quiet my mother, and signed up to a distance-learning programme to train for it. I started studying hard and even though I was terrified of the test and the amount of work involved, I sort of was enjoying it too. For a brief moment in time, I had a purpose.
Then this morning, I was tidying my desk when I found a form I was supposed to send back before the end of November 2017 to finalise my candidacy.
Once again, I screwed up. I find paperwork very oppressing and I know I have a tendency to leave it aside for later because I get such strong anxiety from it. I know it. And yet, there it is. I didn't send the documents so I've spend 600 euros I can't really spare on a course I won't use because I won't be called for the exams. I can't tell my parents about it because it's not only typical of me but also they've been after me constantly to NOT DO THIS EXACT THING and I kept waving them off, saying I'm an adult and to let me manage my own life.
So here I am, and the next few months I'm going to have to keep acting as though I'm going to take the exam. I'll have to study even though it's pointless now. I'll have to go to another city and stay there 2 days, pretending I'm taking the damned thing. Then tell them I failed the exam. Because I can't face their disappointment again and because I'm so fucking ashamed of myself and it's easier to say I failed a super hard exam though I tried than to let them know I can't even send some papers in time.
Two weeks. I had two weeks where I felt alive. And it's no one's fault but my own that all my plans for the year are screwed and I have no idea what to do with myself. I feel sick.
|
self.depression
|
Dr gave me sertraline on top of my venlafaxine Any experience with sertraline? Or with both together?
|
self.Anxiety
|
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