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I'm so incredibly blessed in so many ways, and I'm still considering suicide. I need help. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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When I find a thing to hang myself with Im out Getting sick and tired of my shit situation im in and its only getting worse and worse.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Hyper sexuality Hyper sexuality is really making me unhappy and I am not sure how to deal with it
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self.bipolar
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Anyone know any OTC medicine/vitamins/supplements/anything legal to boost mood and happiness? [deleted]
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self.depression
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This is a dark time of the year for me [deleted]
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self.depression
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I just read the rules around this subreddit, and I've decided to do this. [removed]
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self.depression
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Stop telling me what you think I want to hear. I get it. People feel bad for you, so their gut reaction is just to tell you what they think you want to hear, even if it's not true so that they can make you feel better.
What people fail to realize is that doing this repeatedly causes people on occasion to actually believe it and then when it proves not to actually be true makes an already bad situation worse.
I'm so angry and bitter that I feel like I can't even think straight. I'm the type of person who when faced with a problem thinks about it obsessively until I ca come up with an answer to it. I don't like to leave problems unsolved. But at the end of the day there is no answer to this particular inquiry. There isn't a way to fix it or alleviate the frustration.
I don't think that people are meant to be alone. We're inherently social creatures. So the idea of spending the duration of my time on this earth alone, seems pointless? Equally as pointless as it seems to settle down with someone that I'm not physically or emotionally attracted to. I'm not at all insinuating that I'm better or superior to said individuals. Merely remarking on the fact that it would seem to be a disservice to not only myself, by also the to pursue something or someone that I didn't actually want to pursue.
I feel like nearly every relationship I've been in was just me going into being so thankful that -anyone- expressed interest in me, and feeling like I would never get another chance. So here I am now, single, with no prospects and dealing with rejection after rejection. 95% of my preferred gender won't even give me the time of day. Why? Well, because I'm not attractive, intelligent or interesting like people have been saying. I'm painfully average across the board and none of these things are things that I can change.
That makes sense. At least I can count on myself to be honest.
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self.offmychest
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I hate how episodes come unexpectedly I woke up so depressed this morning and i don’t even know why. Not even 3 hours earlier, i was having a great time and enjoying myself and here I am, wishing i could just cease to exist.
I’ve only had 5/6 hours of sleep in the last 3 days and my hallucinations are getting worse, but I’ve been so happy for the past week. Now I don’t even wanna eat and i don’t wanna sleep. I fucking hate how this illness comes out of nowhere and ruins my joy for life.
I can’t tell if I’m just depressed or in a mixed state. I’m not even sad, I’m just angry about how I feel
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self.bipolar
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Nothing's fair All I ever really wanted, from when I was a teenager, was to care about someone, to help somebody, to love and to be loved back. All I'm getting instead is health problems, physical and emotional pain and lack of money. I've just failed an exam at my medical university and disappointed my mom. If I drop out, I'm basically going to be dead in a year or two, because I'll have to go to the army, and army in my country is hell (last year, 3 or 4 young men were killed or committed suicide there).
I'm gonna push as hard as I can, but I am kinda scared. I wish I could just hold someone's hand.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Is there a way to control my subconscious through my mind conscious self? I would like to know I'm completely in control of myself and I think I deserve to control my subconscious, is there a way to understand the restricted part of my brain?(subconscious) and control it?
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self.Anxiety
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1 step forward, 100 steps back. I thought I was getting better but I'm not. I've been increasing my medication for months, I feel like it's giving me glimpses of what happiness feels like and the down days feel worse for that. my mum mentioned at my last dr appointment that we have a family history of bipolar2. so every time i think im happy i worry im just hypermanic. lost all my friends because of how depression makes you isolate yourself. dr says i'm self aware and insightful, I kind of am but it doesn't help. just wanted to vent.
And another thing: I recognise and accept that i'm self-obsessed and a bit of a bitch, and I'm trying so hard to work on that but it's really hard.
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self.depression
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I think a relative was molested by his mom [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Warning: absurdly long and probably confusing TLDR: I was abused and neglected as a child both by my family and the church they forced me to attend 6 days a week for 9 years. As a result I don’t trust my own life experience and am pretty sure I’m not worth the love and support I need to be healthy. This has made getting away from my family and making my own way in the world extremely difficult as I cannot distinguish between a person’s actual intentions and the way those intentions appear to me when filtered through the survival mechanism that has taken the place of my worldview, making me essentially just as toxic to them as my family was to me.
I’ll be real with you, I’m writing this at 2 am in my bathtub because of that Dan Harmon advice that’s been going around on FB compounded with some shit my therapist said a few months ago. Basically I need to get all my crazy out in words, something I’ve been putting off for years because even thinking about it is exhausting so how much worse will it be to actually do it? Buuuut it turns out holding in 25 years of trauma is exhausting in its own way and I have too much shit to do over the next few years to afford the energy needed to keep my mouth shut on this.
On March 22, 2017 my apartment burned down, taking with it my cat who was for a year literally the only living thing that seemed genuinely happy to see me, my birds (one of whom hatched in my bedroom), two friendships (the people are fine but our relationships are not), and nearly all my worldly possessions. Full disclosure – there were things I could have done to prevent the fire. My therapist has stressed multiple times that I cannot blame myself for this but the fact remains that I made mistakes that contributed to the deaths of four living things whose lives it was my job to protect. That cannot be circumvented by any amount of psychotherapy and it frustrates me when people try to tell me not to feel guilty because it’s not my fault when in practice the only thing missing from essentially arson was an intent to do harm. Honestly, that may sound dramatic for someone who survived a kitchen fire and should be glad no human beings got hurt, but I can be hard on myself sometimes. Anyway after the fire I moved back in with my parents with whom my relationship is… difficult for reasons I shall now explain.
When my mother found out she was pregnant with me (her 4th child, my dad’s 1st and thankfully last, seriously the fact that I share his genes is reason enough to avoid me like Chernobyl) she told my dad and then took a picture of his reaction, which was to slump against the toilet with the dejected face of someone who has just lost a loved one. Then the two of them made the conscious decision to develop that photograph and use it as the opener to the baby book they made for me. Then when I was old enough to understand that I was not only unplanned but extremely unlikely, they showed me the picture of my father being crushed by the knowledge of my existence. This probably began my irrational hatred of men. NOTE: BEFORE YOU GET ON MY CASE FOR THIS, REALIZE THAT I RECOGNIZE THIS IS AN IRRATIONAL HATRED. IT WAS DIFFICULT FOR ME TO REALIZE THIS AND I STILL HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF DAILY. YOUR MOUTH-BREATHING WILL ONLY MAKE SHIT WORSE. Realize also that this is not the only reason for this hatred. This is only the first of many. I should also note here that my mother was on birth control and they used spermicidal condoms but I still happened. Some people say this should make me feel special or invincible or some shit but really it makes me feel like the people who made me didn’t want me but I was so fucking rude that I imposed anyway. Shitty hospital staff means my mom also got to guilt me for almost killing her, to which I desperately wanted to scream “I WAS BORN AFTER ROE V WADE. YOU COULD HAVE PAID SOMEONE TO CUT ME OUT OF YOU WHEN I WAS THE SIZE OF A WALNUT AND TOSS ME IN A DUMPSTER FOR FUCK’S SAKE. YOU COULD HAVE SUED THE HOSPITAL FOR GROSS NEGLIGENCE, YOU COULD HAVE SUED THE CONDOM COMPANY, THE BIRTH CONTROL COMPANY, YOU COULD HAVE FUCKING SOLD ME. THERE WERE THINGS YOU COULD DO TO GET RID OF ME IF YOU DON’T WANT ME, WAYS YOU COULD HAVE MADE BACK ALL THE MONEY YOU WASTED ON RAISING ME. HELL, CUT ME A BIG ENOUGH CHECK AND I’LL TAKE CARE OF THE PROBLEM OF MY EXISTENCE ON MY OWN.”
I should also note this baby book contained letters from my sisters. They are not the only kind things my sisters have said to me, but they are the kindest and the competition was not as steep as one would expect for someone who has had 25 years to come up with something better than “I can’t wait to meet you, I hope you’re a boy.” By the way, I am not a boy. This is probably good because if I was I would have killed myself for sure. Not saying males should kill themselves or that I would hate myself more for being male, just saying that I am already aggressive enough and already encouraged enough to bottle my emotions up that any additional pressure to be aggressive or repress shit would have resulted in me shooting up my church/school/cult??? and then myself. Honestly there were years when I thought that I would end up going that route anyway.
So. Fast forward. I am here, for worse. I was an angry baby because they had to break my collarbone to get me out of my mother because if she wanted a c-section she should have found out she was pregnant earlier and nailed down a better doctor (according to a relative’s account of what a medical professional may have said). Not my fault, sure, but still my parents’ problem, and it probably affected their initial reactions to me as a burdensome piece of shit. My sisters kinda liked me though, so much so that I realized as an infant that I could fake-cry to get attention. Once my mother realized how manipulative her four-month-old was she ordered my sisters to stop giving me attention when I sought it out. Boy fucking howdy did they take that shit to heart.
My dad, in a shocking contrast to the abusive behavior he had exhibited toward my mother and half-sisters literally 2 hours after the wedding (Christian, no divorce, she was his bitch now), turned out to be TOTALLY NOT CUT OUT FOR INTERACTING WITH AN INFANT IN ANY WAY. Sorry, did I say shocking contrast? I meat “obvious logical progression of events that happens when your future mother in law says you can stay with her whenever her son gets violently angry and you go ahead and marry the guy anyway and then HAVE A KID WITH HIM.” For me this meant I had to learn how to communicate almost immediately. I am not exaggerating, nor am I bragging, when I say I was talking fluently at age 2. The genes that allow this came from my father and they came with a shit ton of mental health issues so I can confidently say I would rather have been born tongueless to a loving family than be ahead of the curve simply because if I did not develop my (genetically assisted) ability to communicate with the much larger, stronger people in my family I could very well have been hurt even worse than I was. How was I hurt, you ask? Lots of you won’t be surprised. Some of you may even think I had it easy. If you fall into the second group then I want you to know that your own abusers deserve the worst kind of suffering for hurting you because I cannot imagine feeling worse than I do now. If you think I had it easy it is because you have survived some unsurvivable shit and you have my props. Others among you might be shocked that people can do some of this shit to a toddler and hey, I wish I was one of you lucky unabused niddymugginses. Unfortunately, my right to be shocked at the cruelty of humans was robbed from me around the time I realized that just because my father handed me something and told me to lick it didn’t mean I should. Dunno if you know how 9-volt batteries taste, but the short answer from a pre-schooler’s perspective is it tastes like OOOOWWWW DAD NOOOOOO. Yes, I realize that technically this instance is an example of someone literally being shocked by the cruelty of another person but let me tell you it was the last time for me both literally and figuratively.
Other shit he liked to pull (and was allowed to pull because my mother dissociated for like the first solid 3 years of my life and pretty much let a violent psychopath run her children’s lives) was to chase my half-sisters up the stairs screaming for petty offenses like leaving a light on or bringing food upstairs, tell me I was lying (at age like 2 or 3, mind you) if I told him I was unable to stop crying (he hated the sound of infants crying which is pretty much a human universal because in a normal person it motivates you to satisfy their basic survival needs), and as a second resort would just squeeze my windpipe until I was forced to choose between crying and oxygen. Fun fact, while you cannot reason with the conscious part of a toddler’s brain, literally every bit of nerve tissue in their entire body pays attention when you FUCKING STRANGLE THEM. There have been times when I’ve been crying extremely hard (like the kind where you lose track of what the rest of your body is doing) I’ve caught myself choking myself. Being a red-blooded American Christian household corporal punishment was a mandate from god and if I was bad I got spanked. 2 things though. First, “bad” was highly subjective and depended entirely on my parents’ current mood, and second, “spanked” herein means “Dad had a long day at work and is very tired and wanted to go home and go to bed but instead he has to parent his disgustingly naughty child so he is going to make sure she feels every ounce of irritation he feels at her, her mother, her siblings, and his coworkers. Huh, reeeeally seems like a certain preschool-aged shithead should have taken her nap like a good girl.”
Weirdly though, despite making it clear that I basically imposed on my family by daring to be born, my parents were obsessed with me. When he was not abusing me for the crime of being a normal child my father was teaching me advanced mathematics and getting frustrated because 4-year-olds are really bad at calculus, and once my mother was done dissociating from the terrible environment she willingly forced her kids into she quit her job so she could stay home with me, essentially reducing me to her pet. By this I mean I was always by her side so much so that my sisters would start saying snide, mean-spirited things about how much time we spent together. I also mean that she arrested my development either due to not really viewing me as an entire person, or due to wanting to keep me dependent on her longer so she can still feel useful as a person (because her religion reduces woman to either mother or waste of space). Very little effort was put into potty training me – they would half-assed plop me on the toilet a few times a day and then get frustrated any time I had an accident. Finally when I was like 3 or 4 they sat me aside, said no one at school would like me if I kept shitting myself, and sort of left me to my own devices after that. Thankfully I got a handle on it in like 3 weeks because I wanted people to like me.
My sisters by this time had started to resent me because 1) I was my father’s only biological kid and the only one of my mother’s children to really know my father (I often wish I didn’t) and 2) the abuse they were subjected to was different from the abuse I endured. This is because they were older – if you try to strangle an angry 15-year-old you may very well find yourself murdered and strung up all cool like in NBC’s Hannibal. You can, however, withhold nonessential resources from them such as money for field trips or fees to be on extracurricular sports teams simply because “It’s not my job to raise you, it’s your own father’s job. I’m already a saint for feeding you and letting you live in my home.” By the time I was old enough for field trips and extracurriculars I had been so terrified into obedience that I was “rewarded” for my “exemplary behavior” by not having to get a job in high school to pay for my own field trips. I should note now that my father has a PhD and works for a Fortune 500 company so money was not the issue here. Spite was the issue here. Whether deliberately or not, he pitted me and my sisters against each other – making sure they knew that they didn’t get the things I did because they were bad and I was good, and making sure I kept cooperating with his abusive regime for fear of being treated the way he treated my sisters. He used to take me to get donuts every Saturday and the only topic of conversation was my sisters and how ungrateful they were and how they’re forever shafted because their dads were deadbeats and how I have to be careful not to be like them. I shouldn’t have been okay with it but I was 5 and I wanted a donut and my dad’s approval. You know, normal 5-year-old stuff.
There’s a ton more that happened in the home, but we’re already several pages in and I’m starting to ramble. I’ve mentioned with no shortage of resentment bordering on homicidal rage that I was raised Christian, if by Christian you mean “biblical literalist, misogynistic, xenophobic quasi-cult run by a soft-headed bitch who kept hiring child molesters despite the fact that with each one she hired 30 people left the community until by the time I was an adult the church/school/I’m-gonna-just-call-it-a-cult had collapsed on itself and at least one of the “upstanding men of God” who liked to rape children got arrested and is going to die in prison. My understanding from the way the information was presented to me is that I am expected to pity him for this not-even-harsh-enough-to-be-called justice. Anyway, before I get too into it I should explain why I keep referring to it as a cult. Literally no one I have talked to about my church experience has said “yeah that’s typical” or “what a healthy supportive spiritual community” or even “all of the things your pastor says actually come from the bible.” It was weirdly misogynistic, even by religious standards. They loooooved reminding everyone (children included) that Eve fucked humanity over and that means that women should keep suffering through the god-ordained agony of complicated pregnancies and childbirth until they finally had the good grace to bleed out and die. They literally treated obstetric care as a violation of god’s will and by extension my mother’s survival of my birth was treated with suspicion and she definitely lost status in the church after I was born. They also loved talking about how gays are bad because no man should be so cruel to another man as to “womanize” him, and no one should love and respect a woman enough to elevate her to “man” status.
This is why I have that bolded disclaimer about my issues with men. I was raised in an environment where I was routinely told by nearly every man in my life that I was worthless and deserved to die a painful but perfectly preventable death. Perhaps not in those exact words, but again I was a child and they were adults who saw fit to tell a child her life was going to suck and rightly so because of a myth so forgive me for going a bit far in my extrapolation. It should also be noted that the boys in my church were allowed to be awful to the girls and women with literally no consequences so it wasn’t like I could separate out kids being shitty from adults raised in a backward culture doing everything in their power to keep that backward culture alive. To my very scared, very hurt, very young mind it looked like god created men specifically to hurt women and that for some reason that was the morally correct way of the world and I was evil and against god for thinking that this whole thing was wildly unfair. My father did not help this because he was a total devil’s advocate – “Well they probably don’t look at women’s perspectives because they have no reason to. Women have to because men are in power but women aren’t so men have no reason to care, so why are you upset at things being unfair?”
Church wasn’t enough for my batshit insane parents so they enrolled me at the affiliated school where I went from weekly vagina-shamings to daily ones. It also meant I had no escape from the aforementioned shithead boys. Now that I am an adult I realize that I was also exposed to a shit ton of unnecessarily cruel girls as well, but by that point gender had been solidified in my mind as a zero-sum war for survival. I thought that if I was willing to compromise and say both males and females can be bad people, that would be viewed as weakness, proof women are bad, and ultimately justification for me to be married off and raped to death if only those goddamned liberals hadn’t outlawed a father’s sovereign right to do what he wants to any female objects his uterus-with-an-irritating-maintenance-system gives him. So basically, certain shitty aspects of a shitty environment were magnified in my life in such a way that I was at constant odds with the golden children who made the morally upright decision of missing an X chromosome. This meant that the adults thought I was a wicked little upstart who deserved any mistreatment she got, and as such kids were just sort of allowed to be cruel to me. No one would step in. One teacher even threatened me with detention if I told her I was being bullied one more time. Granted, my parents did try to get the principal to do something, but she was too busy interviewing pedophiles for teaching positions at her grade school to give a shit about an unpopular kid with unpopular parents being bullied by the sons of several prominent families in the church.
While I was in grade “school” (in quotes because I later learned none of the teachers were accredited) my older sisters began following my mother’s noble tradition of getting knocked up by worthless slag heaps with no jobs, alcoholics with severely arrested development (in the tv show sense of just acting like children despite being fully capable adults), and abusive monsters with just enough clout to pull the “you’d be nothing without me” bullshit that I maintain should be a capital offense. Of course this meant everyone in my life had to make sure I knew that a woman’s job is to both please men sexually AND protect her sexual purity for marriage so basically my sisters were godless cunts for not having sex AND godless cunts for having sex AND SUPER EXTRA SATANIC GODLESS CUNTS for getting pregnant. So, suddenly, halfway through the worst decades of everyone in the household’s lives, another innocent baby got thrown into the mix. My niece had the advantage of a mother who could protect her from the worst of my parents’ crazy, but she still had it rough. Once she was mad at me when she was like 2 so she unplugged my computer. This was back when that could cause serious issues on a desktop so when I told my mother and sister they said to tell my dad so he could fix it. Instead of fixing it he gets 2 inches from my baby niece’s face and starts screaming at her like she was a fully-grown coworker who sabotaged the company. Well, obviously this behavior is unacceptable and the person responsible should be stopped. EXCEPT by my family’s cowardly logic the fact that I was less likely to physically harm anyone I was the one responsible. “What were you thinking telling your dad about that computer, you knew he would freak out on your niece, next time don’t you dare do that!”
As I got older and even more poorly-adjusted to the world and my place in it (if you can even make the argument that I have a place in the world which, if you can, please send it to me because I have not been able to come up with one), I began to model some of my father’s toxic behavior in my relationships with my family. Not only was I punished for this behavior whereas he was generally allowed to do what he wanted, but my sisters still have not really gotten over it. I’m 25 now and they still act like I’m some volatile little hobgoblin who will get angry enough to black out and forget what even pissed me off in the first place in my determination to cause pain. I do not do that anymore. I made and am still making conscious efforts to excise every tumorous bit of my father’s influence on my behavior but they will never recognize it except to say something like “you’re not as bad as you used to be but you need to understand that we’re expecting you to be better so your current progress really doesn’t matter as much as you think it does.”
Finally I graduated that hellhole of a Jesus “school” and my indoctrination into the cult of hatred that was my parents’ version of Christianity was reduced back to the weekly church bullshit. By this time we have a new misogynist-in-chief in the form of a pastor from Florida who would sit on, throw things at, and on one occasion rip the clothing of confirmation students. He tried to convince me that women’s periods were making them turn to witchcraft and got extremely pissed off when I pointed out that maybe instead of being driven to witchcraft women were being driven away from his god due to misogynists like him. (Not in those words, obviously. It was more of a “Maybe they are frustrated with the limited opportunities women have to get involved in Christianity and are looking for a faith that allows them more fulfillment and agency” which in macho-Jesus-man-speak was basically the verbal equivalent of emptying a menstrual cup directly into his mouth.) But despite these weekly arguments (and on one occasion almost physical altercation on my end because no grown man should say things like that to a child I swear to nonexistent god I wish I had cut his tongue out and shoved it so far back up his ass that it made its way back to his mouth) wow that sentence got away from me.
Anyway, despite these weekly fiascos I was free from a great deal of the mental torture I had suffered for nearly a decade. Everyone at church commented on how much better I looked since leaving the shitty jesus school which should have been a huge clue for my parents to stop dragging me to church BUT they continued forcing me to cult meetings every week until one extremely terrible Sunday on which my father exposed his ass to me in a 7-eleven parking lot and then pulled me out of church 5 minutes before I was supposed to do the reading in front of the whole congregation to yell at me that he mooned me as a sign of contempt. I don’t even remember what I did to piss him off so much that he felt the need to treat his only child with contempt but there you go. Needless to say I burst into tears, told the elder I couldn’t do the reading, got chewed out by the elder for being such a flaky teenaged GIRL, and stormed into the parking lot to cry next to my old crying tree from grade school. Oh yeah, I spent so many recesses hiding from the other kids and crying that I even had a favorite tree to sit near when I did so. Should be noted that I was not allowed to bring books or sketchpads or to stay inside with the other teachers or literally anything besides hide in the bushes to avoid having kickballs thrown at my head. Anyway, after the awful church disaster my mother pulled me aside to tell me she is disappointed in me and that I am no longer welcome at church until I fix my attitude which on one had was great because no more religiously-motivated-hate seminars but on the other hand stung a lot. For one, rather than honor my request to not be brought to an environment that causes me pain she waited until that pain bubbled over and then “punished” me by “revoking” my churchgoer status. For another, while I no longer believe in the existence of any higher power, at the time it sounded like she was so sick of my behavior (but curiously not my father’s behavior) that she was willing to gamble my immortal soul on my ability to magically, at the age of 17, while simultaneously dealing with some heavy shit at school (unrelated, not long-term traumatizing, really a funny story now that I’m older), to change her attitude in a world where she had only had two attitudes modeled – aggressively hateful or so passive I might as well be dead. Even today she still believes in all that and keeps pressuring me to go to church. I reminded her last time she did this that she was the one who told me not to bother coming to church anymore and she insisted she had no recollection of this event. She has no recollection of a lot of events from my childhood, which if she is lying is some fucking grade A gaslighting on her part because therapists have gotten soooooo fucking sick of telling me that from what they’ve heard of my life they can confidently say that at least some of the abuse actually happened. I still have difficulty sometimes with really confronting the fact that yes, bad things were done to me as a child and yes, those things were bad enough to be considered abuse and no, I am not delusional or manipulative or some other kind of awful monster acting with intent to harm my family.
Anyway, once I no longer had to go to church people started commenting on how much healthier I looked. Hooo boy can you bet that not a single person in my life made the connection between me leaving the cult and me gleaning some happiness out of the world. How did I get that glow, that bounce in my step, that smile? It’s a fucking mystery, let’s ask god what happened. College hit and I finally accepted what I kind of knew all along – I have no fucking business with organized religion, I disagree with the church on every important social issue, and I legitimately think that no one has been able to demonstrate with any degree of confidence that there are such things as gods. I also developed a passion for animal care and began applying to graduate programs where I could, without getting too technical, work with abused animals who display behavior issues like aggression towards humans because these animals were raised in unhealthy environments by humans. It’s a little cliché, I know, but I need to work with living things whose anger stems from pain because that is me all over. I feel like they don’t judge anyone for being angry at abuse because they themselves are angry at it. I never get that feeling with humans. They’re sad for me, and if they’ve suffered they’re often sad for themselves as well. But they never get so angry that they can look into the eyes of the person feeding them with such intense rage because just because someone feeds you doesn’t mean they give a shit about your overall wellbeing, then proceed to attempt to scare that human (the one with the food) away. I know that feeling. I’ve been so hurt by people that my first instinct is to scare them away first, even (dare I say especially?) if they were only attempting to provide some form of help or support. For so long I felt like shit because I do this but I figured if I can look into the face of an animal that has a completely understandable desire to murder me and still want nothing but the best for that animal, then maybe it is possible for humans to be kind. Maybe it is even possible for them to be kind to me.
Well, after a round of rejections, some real world work experience, and a second attempt at applying, I was accepted into my dream graduate school. Two weeks later the aforementioned apartment fire occurred, and for 3 months after I was too borderline suicidal to appreciate that I had actually accomplished something pretty fucking cool. My parents tried to be supportive but as you may have guessed they cannot do that thing even if they try. Also they can only keep up the attempt for a week or so so when it turned out that trauma doesn’t just evaporate they threatened to have me committed.
A little bit of therapy and a whole lot of apathy later and I managed to get back on civil terms with my parents and they helped me move out of state (tearfully, in my mother’s case). Now I’m here, finally over a thousand miles away from the toxicity of my childhood and integrating into a world where abuse is not the norm has been almost as bad as the abuse itself. People do not understand my preparedness to fight. Not argue, not debate, not even get a little snippy. Full on trial-by-combat let the Many Faced God decide who is right and who should have fucking thought before she made that snide comment if she wanted to continue living FIGHT. My therapist said it had to do with an overactive sympathetic nervous system, essentially my family pressed caps lock on my fight or flight response then pried off the key so I can never really come back down from thinking I am in perpetual danger. Oftentimes this means some stressed out white man says something offhand and slightly rude, but not meant as a personal attack, and if I can I freak out and threaten his life and if I am not in a position where that would be feasible I glare at him and maybe knock something over for emphasis. Not necessarily healthy, but satisfying to know that someone who probably never had anything truly terrible happen to him knows, for at least a split second, that if he fucks with me HE DIES SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY AND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ANY LIVING RELATIVES WHO MIGHT BE ALSO CAUSED PAIN BY HIS DEATH BECAUSE FUCK HIM AND ANYONE WHO DARES THINK HE IS A WORTHWHILE HUMAN BEING BECAUSE
WORTHWHILE
HUMAN
BEINGS
DO
NOT
TREAT
ME
LIKE
MY
PARENTS
DID.
A dangerous attitude since guns are easier to obtain here. On that note, while I want a gun (mostly to defend myself against gun-rights-activists. Call it hypocrisy and I call you dead-to-me) I realize that I am probably more likely to use it on myself than on any of the other people who deserve it.
Anyway. I’m here, I don’t know who the fuck I am because for the past 25 years I haven’t really been allowed to just BE. I was always told my emotions were either factually or morally incorrect so now when I have a feeling it feels like air raid sirens going off and I literally have to remove myself from situations that normal, well-adjusted, societally worthwhile people can handle. And I can’t really trust anyone to care about my pain because, in the words of my pernicious half-sister “No one has to be nice to you.” Note that she said this while I was sitting in the driver’s seat of my car seriously contemplating revving it up to 60 and crashing into a brick wall. Apparently this was supposed to convince me to be happy and live my life. For some reason no one in my family realizes that I need emotional support sometimes, like when I lose all my possessions and my pets and the security of a roof over my head to a traumatic disaster such as a fire. The worst parts of my suicidal depression were happening when I was trying to deal with insurance and the cleaning company and property management was doing everything in their power to threaten me and bully me into… what? I don’t know because whenever I called to ask what exactly I need to do to get them to stop exacerbating my desire to drown myself they would ignore my calls. How supportive was my family during this time? Well, do me a favor and dunk a loaf of wonderbread in water then see how well it supports things.
Ah, I should also note that the sister who told me no one has to be nice to me has also told another suicidal sister of mine to stop talking about it and just do it. She is a schoolteacher, this psychotic, compassionless shitstain. She is a school teacher as a backup career because she could not hack it as a counsellor or therapist. Probably because she kept telling suicidal people who took the terrifying step of reaching out for help that if they really want to die they should just fucking do it aleady.
So yeah, I don’t trust people to care about my wellbeing because if my own family can’t, why should anyone else? Also, the fact that I need care means that I am incapable of providing it and therefore I am a drain on every social relationship I maintain. People say I should focus on caring for myself but 1) if I am worthless why should I care about me and 2) if I do care about me, my opinion of me is worthless because I am worthless. No amount of thinking can get me past that – from a social standpoint I am a terrible investment and while I wish someone would be my friend I honestly can’t blame them for not wanting to. I feel like I need someone to see some good in me before I can say that I have anything good in me and not have it feel like a manipulative lie I tell myself to excuse myself from the terrible effects my existence had on my family. But because I realize that you’d have to be crazy to want to help me I have a hard time trusting people who show me kindness because they are either insane or plotting something or just generally nice to everyone. Goddamn I wish I knew how it felt to have someone be nice to me because I am simply special to them. Not special to the world in general, I just want one single person to rank me as one of the important people in their lives. I also can’t set boundaries because my father treated boundary violation as an Olympic sport. I don’t know how I feel about hugs because while I recognize I probably need one, my father used to yell, hit me, then pull me into a crushing, painful smothering attempt he called a “hug” and refused to let me go no matter how much I kicked, screamed, and tried to pull away. So basically my modes are “Look at me and I will gnaw your face off like I am a captive chimpanzee and you are a moron who thinks it’s a good idea to get in the face of a captive chimpanzee” or “sure, do whatever, want my kidney while you’re at it?”
This means that I can say terrible shit about professors to my classmates – “Judging from how she refused to answer any clarifying questions on our debate prompts combined with the fact that several people have warned me she loves starting drama I think that this whole quarter was her trying to pit us against each other for her own gain and I am really glad I will never take another class with her. Furthermore, if she is so concerned with ethics then why is she planning all this contentious bullshit in our first quarter where we need to make good impressions on each other?” Then when they say I should be ashamed for thinking that, let alone saying it, I roll over and say they’re absolutely right, my perspective on the world is cruel and factually wrong if not straight-up delusional.
Well one of them has taken this as permission to joke about the fact that my home burned down. I don’t know how to confront her on it without screaming at her that she had better goddamned drop out and move away if she knows what’s good for her, her parents, her siblings, and anyone else who ever gave her an ounce of support or approval. Granted, I made a couple jokes about it both as a coping mechanism for myself as I am the one who put the work into not just shriveling up and dying over the summer and as a way to introduce the topic of “hey I am coming down from the most traumatic experience of my adult life and I’m doing a thousand miles away from the people who should have been there to support me” so people understand why I’m such a mess. I guess I’m just going to have to say it in those words because clearly the only people who understand that trauma is bad for a person’s health are others who have been through trauma. Which. Wow. If you can’t understand that “I lost my home and am laughing really loudly about it because the alternative is sobbing while clutching a pillow like a rejected Harry Harlow experiment” then your problem isn’t lack of trauma, it’s lack of basic human empathy.
If you made it this far, thanks. If you skipped over most of it, understandable. It’s 10 pages single spaced after all. I’m probably going to print this out later to take to my school’s counselling center because it’s easier than trying to articulate this whole mess in front of a stranger.
TLDR: I was abused and neglected as a child both by my family and the church they forced me to attend 6 days a week for 9 years. As a result I don’t trust my own life experience and am pretty sure I’m not worth the love and support I need to be healthy. This has made getting away from my family and making my own way in the world extremely difficult as I cannot distinguish between a person’s actual intentions and the way those intentions appear to me when filtered through the survival mechanism that has taken the place of my worldview, making me essentially just as toxic to them as my family was to me.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I can’t live with myself anymore There is nothing in my life that makes me happy. My thoughts keep torturing me. I make myself blackout every night to try to forget about all the mistakes I’ve made in my life. I’m so sick of living like this. I guess I’m going to kill myself slowly by living so recklessly. The problem that is my life will take care of itself.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Why do the people you love the most get angry with you for being depressed but not for having cancer or any other illness?
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self.depression
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How do you know if you have depression and anxiety? When is it time to see a doctor? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
My life is crumbling, I can feel it. And I do not know how to stop it. I am trying my best to be positive, to be the outgoing person I used to be. But right now, I feel beat-up. I feel like I'm scarred and I will never recover.
I work for a caring CEO who gives me all the mentorship I need and wonderful friends who'd care about my being. But I do not know how to be happy. My life is full of reasons why to be happy. I can't seem to appreciate them. I am drowning, of this empty feeling that visits me once a week. Sometimes the hit is strong, like I can't get up and I just want to rest for weeks because I am so tired.
I have tasks I left unfinished, I do not do the things I am supposed to do, I have become a bad friend, my ego is to big for me. I don't know if anyone will ever like me. Last night is the first time I really feel like taking my own life. I was looking for a gun this morning to just end myself, but I didn't find one.
Everyone is bullying me. I hate that criticisms have me cowering on a corner and shunning people away. I jsut hate everything in my life right now. I hate that I am too sensitive for my job and for people. I hate that I do not know what to do.
I do not know what to do now. I am dead inside. It's like I'm just floating through life and waiting for someone to pop my bubble and make me disappear. I am so tired, so tired of trying to make things work when none of them are.
I hate going home to my mother when all she has for me are the things that I did wrong. Everyone's really fucking passive-aggressive on me and it kills me. I feel worthless, like I'm a stupid piece of shit. I am so unhappy I do not know if there's something in my life to be joyful about.
I do not know if there's a chance for me to be happy. I am scared that I'll die like this. I am so fucking pathetic. I really do not know what to do now. My mind is so messed up. I am depressed for 3 days minimum and casual panic attacks conclude my day. I do not know what to do. I am tired.
I don't know if there's a better future ahead.
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self.offmychest
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Trying to book an appointment I just called. I finally had enough of this. The office said that the first available appointment was in April. How is this possible to be so far out. Last time I needed help I was able to get in that same week. I just feel so out of control right now. Tired of being this way. Idk what to do. Any advice?
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self.Anxiety
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I think I'm going to Kill myself in the next few days Hey, my names jack I'm 20 and right now I feel like I can't go on anymore. I was diagnosed with depression about 3 months ago due to numerous factors in my childhood and my recent life and my life has been hell every since, my girlfriend of a year left me cause she couldn't handle my moods all the time just full on ghosted me won't even talk to me, so I moved back in with my mum and that's nothing but a nightmare, she just doesn't understand what's going on in my head she thinks I can just pick myself up and get on with it and it's making it worse if I'm totally honest. I work a manual labour job 40 hours a week and at the age of 20 after a year of working there I feel about 50, I have no dreams or aspirations for my life and can't see a way past this point in my life everything is getting on top of me and I feel like I'm drowning, suicide feels like it's the only way out
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self.SuicideWatch
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Almost had panic attack after 4 years. I feel okay now , but just because i drank 4-5 beers.
I have been working on myself ever since i have anxiety so far i have came to a point where i control it very well but....
There is one huge trigger , last month i was making out with one girl and shes fairly younger then i am. And now she told me she have sore throat. The connection i have with it , its probably nothing special to anyone who read this but let me start with saying when i was 14 y old ( 26 now ) i had some problems with my throat it was swollen for a good portion of time and i was diagnosed with some common stuff like flu and they treated it like that.
Dont have to metion i was alright after 10 - 12 days , but years years after that when i was 22 y old . I was in relationship and my gf was diagnosed with mononucleosis , i know she was true to me so there is no chance she have been kissing someone else. Beside me there wa some cousin she had and she suffered from it recently. So we kinda agreed that it might have been me cause i had those symptoms when i was young.
Now when this girl told me she have sore throat i went totally mad , my anxiety was over my head i didnt feel that anxious for 4-5 years. I feel huge guilt like i did something , but i dont know is it even me it might be just regular cold , i dont even know did i have mono cause i was never diagnosed with it... I feel huge guilt and i just hope she will be fine in few days , its not first time my retarded brain got that story every time i meet someone new....
Do anyone have any advice , even some from medical aspect or what ever i just feel fucking retarded... Oh yeah i suffer from mild case of OCD and its usually connected to some negative toughs that dont have much sense but i can spend weeks thinking about some small things i did wrong it just just eats me from top to bottom.
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self.Anxiety
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The hour glass needs flipping again soon I have suffered with suicidal thoughts ever since I can remember. I have tried and failed multiple times and right after, even though I failed. I still felt happy for once, like I can do things.
For the next 2-4 weeks I'll usually feel motivated before the restless thoughts come back as I realise I still have not found a job, my mum hasn't replied to me and over all I'm just a fuck up.
I would say I'm already about a week into my next stage where I spend days without sleeping(nearly 80 hours at this point) and thinking only of how good it would be to kill myself.
I really dont want to kill myself, I don't think anyone really does. The only reason I'm still here is for my 2 older brothers who help me no matter what, for my annoying ex who won't stop checking on me like a child and for that hope maybe I could be happy for longer than 2 weeks.
However this time round I live in a new town with train tracks just down the road. At night I like to go and just imagine stepping in front of one. Eventually I know one of these nights I'll step up without even trying a take a single step in front of me and at that point it's done.
The idea makes me happy inside, my thoughts will finally be done and I'll be gone like I wish for but it means devastating family and friends and I don't want to do that to them.
I'm not sure what this post is really for, when I say I'll do it, I do it. So yeah, I guess I'm gonna do it in the near future.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Am I Anxious? I'm pretty sure I am but I am not totally sure. I feel kind of dizzy at all times, I have a hard time speaking and concentrating on anything but being pretty nervous and earlier today I think I had a panic attack. My mouth became really dry all of the sudden, I felt super dizzy and I felt like I was gonna have a heart attack; I came close to calling 911 two or three times today. I've had similar incidents in the last week. I'm not totally sure if it's a transient state but those of you who have to put up with the shit on a daily basis, more power to you. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow hopefully that will shed some light on it.
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self.Anxiety
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I'm going to spend the entire day dropping off resumes My university holiday is over in a week. I've been submitting resumes online for 3 months and haven't gotten a single response. It's understandable since I'm applying for pharmacy assistance job which is highly competitive.
I've been reading "Rejection Proof" by Jia Jiang where the author tries to get rejected once a day and vlogs the entire thing in order to face his fear of rejection. One day, he decides to find a job but only work for a day. He got rejected for the first [two attempts](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvHLr5B_aYI) but surprisingly he got a 1 day job in his [third attempt](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-83r1Y5ea8)!
After reading and watching this, I felt that if Jia can do something so crazy and still succeed than submitting resume isn't that crazy.
I might not get a job but my goal is to face my fear.
I've already prepared my route to the different pharmacy, printed out my resumes, got my clothes and lunch prepared.
Any tips will be appreciated! I've never done this before and I'm nervous just preparing.
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self.Anxiety
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Help me get out of mixed state Now I’ve been kinda manic recently. I also foolishly despite knowing the risks went back on Zoloft a few weeks ago. I have never really got mixed states when not on Sertraline (Zoloft). Anyway I’m totally fucking panicking about how to prevent or get myself the fuck out of going into a mixed state. Start of new day soon so making it through appearing normal for the day is all that’s required. I read excess acycholine (or however the Fuck it’s spelt) can be a factor so looking to reduce that with over the counter shit, also some other shit I can’t remember FUCK. Anyway what the hell is the cause neurologically of this ducking unbearable mixed state and what can I do. I’m totally ducking batshit. I mean I’m not letting myself take recreational drugs despite the MASSIVE urge to do so cos I don’t feel going psychotic yet again now is gonna be as great as it always feels or that it ain’t gonna happen whatever guys please halp. On 50mg sertraline. Also I feel like I’m acting extra crazy but hopefully there’s legit mentally fucked peeps here help a brother out and not give me shit for swearing for eg I’m batshit insane I need some understanding and space. Anyway this monologue is continuing internally that thankfully I retain the appearance of blank vacant idiocy but ya halp. Shit shit. Halp sorry halp.
I wish the men in black memory eraser was a real thing. I’d use it on everyone. Might use it on myself. I guess I’d mean I wood knit learn but then again I don’t anyway so fuck it. Also when I had a Xanax addiction is was like a men in black memory eraser expect I got so retarded my mother wanted me sent to the doctor for early onset altzhiemers and she had no idea I was on benzodiazepines. Anyway.
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self.bipolar
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Can't break the cycle. I like it that way I've been drinking and smoking everyday for the past 3 years now. I love how the combination makes me feel; weed numbs my thoughts and alcohol makes me happy. Being sober for a day is a challenge or else it would be if there wasn't masturbation.
On the days where I find a shrivel of motivation to "be good", like today, I end up masturbating for 3-4 hours. I was on a 3 day streak of nofap for "No but November" but I just kept going and going and eventually I decided that I would... go over the edge.
There goes today's stockpile of willpower.
I frequently self sabotage myself so I stay in this cycle. Usually by giving in to these vices. Otherwise, on the days where I feel motivated, I try to find the deeper meaning of my struggles or solutions to them. I've read a book about making and breaking habits, one about being present in the moment and one about how my conscious mind is not a representation of myself.
But the more I learn, the more I know what to ignore in order to keep my depression going. I used to meditate and work out a lot but that's stagnated. I know it sounds stupid but the more I understand and tell myself something is good for me or worth the effort, the more steps I will take to avoid it. Or when I crack and take one hit of weed, I basically tell myself "fuck it, smoke 4 bowls" or "you touched yourself a bit, fuck it go all the way".
Too many times I tell myself "but wait, what if we just go REALLY REALLY high today? Wouldn't that be crazy?" except I've been doing that on a regular basis for years.
I have very few friends, moved to a new town recently and the few hobbies I have i don't pursue. (You see, learning more about yoga, finding a fitness regiment or getting my nutrition in order would not only require effort and discipline, but it would mean I would have less time for video games). And doing these things is getting harder and harder.
Other people see how sad I am and ask me what's wrong but I just ignore them. They tell me I'm hiding from the world. Which is kinda true, because going outside is another horrible anxiety inducing activity.
I can't afford therapy and can barely talk to my parents about this. They probably know I smoke all the time but they don't bring it up. But they know. And I know they think I'm a disappointment.
Obviously this all means I barely talk to girls or maintain social relationships. Sometimes i feel good for a week after some motivation and talk with others but that high doesn't last. I don't want to date until I'm at least a little better.
I'm sorry for the length and negativity but I'm writing here because I just have no options. I just have to give some background because i literally talk to nobody for days on end. And I want to be better but I just always crumble under pressure.
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self.depression
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I can't really describe how, but this scene from Buffy sometimes helps me a bit. https://puu.sh/yQQgn/cb578f3293.mp4
Part of the "Once more with Feeling" Musical Episode from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which partly is about her being depressed.
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self.depression
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There is nothing inside my brain No thoughts nothing. Feeling like a robot right now.
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self.depression
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Does anyone feel depressed for no reason other than the fact you know it's all going to end? I'm in an amazing place in my life right now. However, I know it's going to end some day. Just knowing that has kept me depressed for 14 years now. I'm going to miss this. All of this. And I know it'll never be the same.
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self.depression
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Stopping antidepressants after 15 years Does anyone have any experience with stopping antidepressants after being on them for such a long time? I’ve been doing some google searching and can’t find much for help... everything seems to be about quitting cold turkey, how you shouldn’t do it, and the side effects that occur if you do.
I’m 28 and have been on antidepressants for OCD and Anxiety since I was 13. I’ve been feeling extraordinarily unmotivated, apathetic, and just indifferent about everything in my life for quite a long time - my doctor and I decided to try and stop taking them to see how I feel. I’ve weaned myself down and have now been completely off of them for 4 days.
I feel unbelievably anxious and down. I have a pit of just utter worry built up in my stomach at all times. Is this normal and has anyone experienced this before? I’ve read a little bit that mentions it could simply be your body and brain still adjusting to the change, and that just because you feel this was right now doesn’t mean you aren’t necessarily ready to stop taking medication... I know hat if I feel this way forever it’s simply not going to work, however I’m really hopeful that I am able to stop taking medication and will finally begin to care again... I’ve lost my motivation, and the constant state of apathy was hindering me both professionally and personally.
Hoping someone has some positive experiences or advice to share!
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self.Anxiety
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Heavy mood swings and falling in love Ive recently diagnosed with depression. It seems it was due to my heavy mood swings. You know, one week you are super happy and positive about everything and then something triggers you and you enter in a week of sadness and anxiety.
What happened was that there was a girl I liked but she kind of declined when I asked her out a while ago. I had a week when I was feeling quite positive and decided that she was not for me and that was ok.
Then I heard another guy was dating her and that triggered me very badly. Thats when I decided to start a medical treatment (the psiquiatrist prescribed me Zoloft recently). I havent started yet, becauase I never took medication and I was scared. This girl I like noticed that, ask me what was going and I told her that I was diagnosed and scared.
Today she sent me a random message (I didnt had her number) saying that she wants to support me in this treatment and wants to be there for me. She even said that even thou she doesnt really consider us friends she thinks highly of me.
So now I think I have re-fallen for her, but im not sure if its because of the mood swings Ive been having this last months.
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self.bipolar
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Finally in a relationship after years of desiring one and all I can think about is ending it. She's a pretty cool girl and hasn't done anything to warrant just being outright dumped but for some reason I can't help wanting to go back to being miserable and alone. Being in a relatonship is a shit load of work and i'm just such a lazy person that it's starting to get to the point where I lie to her about doing stuff just so I can stay home and play videogames by myself. I guess what's tripping me up so much is that this is what I longed for and always thought, "as soon as I get a girlfriend I'll finally stop being depressed" but here I am, still sad. It's hard to tell if we're just incompatible or if my depression is just kicking my ass business as usual. Part of me wishes she would do something like cheat on me or just dump me that way I can go back to my room and be alone again.
Edit:Thanks for the comments guys. I got a lot to think about and writing it out helped.
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self.depression
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I'm in autopilot and I think I'm losing it [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Online questionnaires interested in peoples experiences on Mental Health e-communities (Chance for $50 amazon gift card) We are looking for individuals to participate in a study investigating how online communication of self-injury may be associated with the behavior. It is NOT necessary to have a history of self-injury to participate. In this study, your participation will include filling out several questionnaires online. Participation is completely voluntary, and you must be 18 years of age or older to participate. This study will take about 1 hour to complete. You will have the opportunity to enter into a $50 gift card lottery upon completion of the study. Please click on the link below if you are interested in participating…
https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/selfinjury_ecommunity3
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self.Anxiety
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Candy for breakfast Called off work due to insomnia and nature of the job definitely a no-go for being over-emotional on top of sleep deprived. Yesterday I had so much angry energy I was sure I was gonna do some damage.
But I didn't.
And I tried to go to bed on time. 2 hours in the dark. Gave up, called my dad... 30 years old and I just wanted to talk... but it made me feel like I was 16 and stupid...
Probably nodded off around 4 AM... woke up at 7:30 and just... could not...
Never got back to sleep, either.
Dove chocolate.
Twizzlers.
Jerry Springer.
Fahck.
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self.bipolar
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In need of someone who has been through something similar to help out. I have been in a relationship with someone for almost 2 years now, for the longest time my significant other has made me feel happy when nothing else could, which was often, now it's different. After a recent suicide attempt, I am not sure I want to continue with the relationship anymore, I feel like I am bad for her. Even though she insists she wants to stay with me. I am failing my first year of college due to a complete lack of motivation. I am planning on taking a year off, then returning, but I have no idea what to do with my life currently, I just wish I could die without it being a suicide.
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self.depression
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Cant do stuff because i dont want to handle w/ people [deleted]
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self.depression
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What clothes can block bleeding? What clothes can block bleeding?, so far sweaters are working pretty well.
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self.depression
|
I studied for 6 years and then I fucked up my first job. I have always been told how gifted I was and school was a breeze. I never had to study really hard to get good grades and I graduated with the 7th best grades of my year. Then came the time to decide what to do with my life. How do you know at 18 what you are going to be? But I had my convictions, I wanted to do something that would help society and on my moral compass and due to my life experiences this was biomedial science, I wanted to help heal diseases, I wanted to be a scientist.
So I went off to uni and after some difficulties in the beginning I figured out how to study properly and did not too bad. I did my B.Ss. and decided to do an M.Sc. in my chosen little subfield of my field. And again I did great. I studied my ass off. I would have 60h weeks. Then I got the chance to go abroad for an internship and a graduation project. So I did. It was a hard year but I did it.
This is where the problems started. I couldn't get better at the technical side of science. I just had so many problems. I would mix up samples and fuck up way too many experiments.
Also, in the 5 years prior I developed really bad anxiety around my degree, so that I would panic a lot around my work.
But with the year abroad I was able to get an intership in the biggest company in my field. I was over the moon. This is what I wanted to be all these years ago. a researcher. And I fucked it up.
I have been there for a month and I fucked up something very important which other people invested hours and hours of work into. My boss was devastated. I was devastated. She is saying to me I am not trying and don't seem motivated. I don't know why this keeps happening. I'm trying to concentrate but I just cant and keep making stupid mistakes. I don't know if she is going to throw me out on monday. I feel like i wasted 6 year. I feel like shit for fucking up other peoples work, I hate myself for this. I don't what I am going to do now. It's not like there are jobs being thrown at you with my degree. But I dont feel like I can work in my field as a scientist. I still need to finish this internship (or get thrown out or whatever she is going to do with me), pass one exam and hand in my thesis. And then what?
I feel terrified and I had slightly scary self harmy suicidal thoughts and I don't know how to deal with this.
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self.offmychest
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Relying on someone else only to become more depressed I'm in a long distance relationship with the girl of my dreams and it sounds like things would be good but I'm back to how I used to feel. I hate myself and I hate the fact that I'm such a burden and a failure to everyone around me. When I talk to her I'm happy but I believe I'm not one of her priorities. I understand that she's busy with work and that she has things going on in her life but I sometimes don't even get a goodnight message from her. I start the majority of the conversations, she basically shows me no affection, she sometimes ignores my texts and takes a long time between each message which is usually met with a one word response, I always ask to spend time together which she rejects most times and she talks to other people and I feel like shit about it. Last week I asked her if she was with me just to keep me happy but she told me that if she was unhappy she would tell me.
I want to talk to her about it but I believe I might have anxiety as well since I'm afraid she'll just judge me or want to break up because I seem attached. It's not her, it's my fucked up brain. I overthink everything with doubt, I can't talk to my family or friends about my problems because I feel like I'm just a guilt trip of disappointment. I only recently finished high school with shit results, I'm being rejected from all jobs, I feel alone even with this girl in my life and we've been talking for more than a year now.
I just want someone to show they love me for me and that I'm not the worthless sack of shit that I am to my parents. Not an "option" to my girlfriend and not such a fucking disgrace to myself.
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self.depression
|
Still wanting to end it all. Hey reader,
I have not done this for years, but I've noticed that some thoughts just won't go away. I have some deep questions and wonder if anyone can shine some light on it.
Who am I:
I'm 24 and living in the Netherlands. Had a nice youth on a small school and lot of friends. When I was about 12/13 I started getting these very negative emotions.
The darkness in the future, the helplessness, the sadness. But it was mostly at night and could very well hide it from others. My parents aren't very good emotional helpers
and didn't notice anything.
This continued growing older. I have to add that I have a brother who was very difficult at home. He was like depressed 24/7 since I knew him. (Now I know it's probably he's a bit autistic, just like my father.) I always tried to be the happy one, but that changed on my 18th. I started smoking a lot of weed and just didn't accept my parents anymore.
What is going on now?
I just feel trapped inside a sick joke. On the one hand my social anxiety prevents me to get actual help. The depression just pumps these negative feelings in me all day. Also suicide related of course. My autistic side keeps me angry for years, it feels like the first day I was angry. But then everyday.
I want to keep doing my job, it's going very well. But I also want to put a knives in my wrists or heart. I want to have a girlfriend to share this with, but also wants to just disappear and never come back. I want to tell my close friends how I truly feel, but I also want to punch some of them to death.
Yes I'm afraid of death, who isn't? But the situation I'm in keeps giving me stress and I can't tell anyone about it. On top of that, 3 of my friends are in the same position.. but did tell everybody. All of them have been hospitalized and 2 of them have now been alienated from our friend group. We just can't recognize them anymore. The other one is babling for a year now how it all comes because of his OCD/ADHD and his parents.
I don't want to be a pathetic person who thinks he's important. Man.. the circles I went threw. How can I break this? Do I need to search for help? I only want to do that if I'm 100 procent sure I have something. But on the other hand I can "play" the human role very well.
I think I can never unseen the emotions and deep depth I have been in. It will always be with me, doesn't matter how much weed I smoke.
Sorry for the long text and English, but just wanted to write this off of me.
PS: no I don't feel like committing suicide right now, but It's something that has been following me for years. It's so scary.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Took 1200mg of wellbutrin on purpose - question Yes as a suicide attempt with tequila. I'm sleepy. Can I go to bed?
edit: i am currently in the hospital.
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self.bipolar
|
I'm depressed because I can't connect with other people. I can't connect with other people because I'm depressed... I don't think I'll ever get better...
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self.depression
|
What does your hyper-sexuality look like? I keep coming across the term hyper sexuality but I guess I’m just reading the term and not getting an exact idea of what that may be or what it looks like.
Would you share with me what your experience looks like, is it deviant behavior you’re not used to doing is it changes in preferences to your sexuality, have you ever watched anything immensely immoral and then felt guilty about it?
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self.bipolar
|
I don't feel like the same person after having a mental breakdown and taking Zoloft Long story short I had a mental breakdown about my SO at work, SO reassured me everything was ok, started taking Zoloft for anxiety because I like to convince myself that people hate me (which is what I did with my SO), and now I don't feel like the same person.
It's not in a bad sort of different. I just feel like the person preceding me was a fucking emotional monster. I was told it would take a week for the Zoloft to make any noticeable differences but I'm on day 2 and I'm already feeling better. Maybe it was because of my constant thinking, maybe because I had such an intense mental break down my mind literally changed, I have no idea honestly.
Honestly I've been more emotionally damaged and numb the past couple days than I have my entire life. My SO has stopped responding to my snaps so I have no idea what's going on there, not sure if it's my anxiety speaking or I fucked our relationship up. Although I wouldn't honestly blame her for breaking up with me because I behaved like a child. More than once I had to get confirmation that she still liked me (we've been dating for a month so saying love is a bit early), and honestly I feel like I weirded her out just by being myself.
Either way, I'm just going to put one foot in front of the other and just keep going. I can't undo the past, I can only change the future. That's the only thing that comforts me. I want to talk to my SO about it but I'm afraid she'd either ignore me again or I'd just be back right where I started.
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self.Anxiety
|
i feel so guilty for wanting to die but i cant help it i attempted in 2015 when i was 16 (im 19 now) and landed in the hospital for 5 days, inpatient for the max 10, residential for 2 months until insurance dropped me. therapy for the next three years.
ive been in therapy for half my life and its useless. i hate myself for wanting to die. i don't want to do this to my parents anymore, i don't want the money they put into college to go to waste, i don't want people to miss me, but i dont think i can do this anymore. i just wanna take a whole bunch of painkillers and not exist.
ive got bpd and so much more and no one likes me anyways so why not? im a selfish piece of shit. i cant do anything. i have unmedicated adhd and cant do work. i always make everything about me. im trans and everything is so hard. i don't know anymore.
i just kind of wanted to rant, idk why im posting this. anyways.
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self.SuicideWatch
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30 seconds longer and I wouldn't be here That was friday. Now it is tuesday. My friends have now seen me to the edge and back five times. And when I say edge I mean medical emergency, need for resuscitation, that's some lethal shit edge.
It's the loneliness, all the loss that comes with PTSD. BPS. Whatever you want to call it. I need to fire my shrink today - this is going nowhere and of no help. Currently waiting on a spot at a treatment centre. How do I get through the loneliness long enough to stay alive?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anxiety and Fear of Needles (possible trigger warning?) 18 F USA here. I have anxiety and depression and it's been steadily getting worse over the years. Since I'm an adult now I am in charge of my own health. My big issue with that is getting shots/surgeries/anything involving hypodermic needles. I tend to have panic attacks, I've been known to kick doctors and run out of clinics in the past. I've never actually passed out, but it's been a while. It's becoming an issue now because my wisdom teeth are coming in and I'm looking into long term birth control that suits my needs (nexplanon sounds best for me besides the needle part).
I can't even describe how I feel about needles. I have panic attacks just thinking about getting things injected/drawn. My heart races and I cry. I've had a nurse tell me I handle them worse than most special needs children and I need to suck it up. My parents don't believe me when I tell them how terrified I am. They also think I'm faking it/overreacting and tell me to "just look away". I'm so sick of people telling me that when I reach out for help, because believe me, if it worked, I'd be fine by now. Also, exposure therapy sounds like my own personal hell, especially during all the mental treatment I'm going through lately. My wisdom teeth are coming in and I'll probably have to get them removed soon, so that's terrifying on its own.
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self.Anxiety
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I fantasize about someone putting a bullet in the back of my head while I'm walking down the street. [removed]
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self.depression
|
Bipolar feels so damn isolating I'm going through my first major depressive episode, every day is the worst day I've ever had.
The hardest part is that people around you can care, but only for so long. Not their fault, not mine either. It just hits that point where no one can give a shit anymore, and if you want to keep people around you, you just have to pretend. It's so isolating and hopeless.
I don't know, anyone else found this?
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self.bipolar
|
My mom talks trash about my dad to all the moms and my mom is so dysfunctional I can’t involve my parents in anything because my mom either grounds me for not cleaning the water off the floor right and my dad is feared by everyone and thought to be this monster because of the lies my mom tells I know every detail about their divorce. Typical. Dad cheats-parents break up. There so many things I think I know but don’t want to admit it’s so hard. I think my dad paid his “girlfriend” over 1 million dollars to be with him and do things from texts. A few facts though she put me on a raw vegan diet from ages 6-10 which put me in heartbreaking conditions when I look back at photos. Wow I’m just starting to realize how much I need to runaway or call child services or some shit cuz THERES SO MUCH MORE I see my dads texts and he’s not only with the prostitute that he calls his girlfriend but he’s also with another chick who happens to be my old babysitter which broke my heart. I think he was having an affair with her while my parents were still married. So much more details on that but let’s talk about my mom. I can’t even start. The problems are so different with my dad it’s secrets but with my mom it’s worse in so many ways. If you’ve been reading my posts, you know my mom is anorexic, but on top of that, she works so hard to be a good mom! She works 24/7 to put good food on the table, working even harder for Christmas and will do anything to make me happy. But there’s this thing… I swear I’m not narcissistic r anything but I just can’t stand one thing about her. Her voice feels like my ears are being stabbed with glass, although it’s kind. The way she walks enrages me to the point of wanting to scream! What’s my problem I’m the worst!!!!!!! Whenever she’s mad she talks about her bad childhood but mine feels worse. I want to go more in depth with all
Of this and I can’t talk to anyone except you reddit. Is there anyone out there who wants to listen?
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self.depression
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Ive lost all hope I cant think of anything good anymore because im always worrying about the bad . Whenever anything good happens i feel like its the calm before the storm . And it usually is .
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self.Anxiety
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i live for my vices nothing else really brings me any happiness and it’s ironic that I realize this while I’m drunk by myself. I’m a college freshmen with great grades, a great family, and some good friends as well. I’ve been struggling for years and any time I reach out for help, I bail on the appointment because I talk myself into thinking I’m fine. Well, I’m making this post today to perhaps remind myself for next time that I’m not fine.
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self.depression
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Nothing to Offer Hi, I've been lurking in suicidewatch on and off for quite some time now, desperate to find some sort of post that accurately relates to mine (so that I might selfishly soothe my own guilt and pain). And while I have found some that vaguely resemble my own experiences, and read some useful advice given by people with far purer hearts than my own, nothing I have seen can truly tap into the sense of worthlessness that surrounds me. So here I am, desperate for anyone to humour me with even the slightest shred of undeserved empathy.
First the basics: I am a weak and frail 19 y/o man (if that's what you can call me) with a disgusting physical appearance (long nose, recessive chin, uneven eyeline, crooked teeth, hideous smile, hunched posture), Autistic Spectrum Disorder (I have terrible social skills and have only acquired friends through putting up a front - friends who I would support in their decision to abandon me should they ever stumble upon this), rigid and isolationist behaviors (I retreat to my room in almost all of my free time), no talent (I have taken two separate courses and achieved nothing), and a history of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (with intrusive thoughts that poke and prod at me every day of my existence). At first glance, this list may perhaps seem like standard fare for the sorts of things someone would levy at themselves on here, but these are simply obstructions that prevent me from rising higher in society, with the reason I am completely incompatible with it being a far more sinister corruption of the human form.
I was never a good person. As a child, I was stubborn, angry, and a bully - to the point in which I constantly wonder why I have any friends at the current moment, and whether I deserve them when there are those walking this earth today most likely in perpetual hurt as a result of the things I have said to them. I'm thankful that I'm not a bully anymore, but perhaps being one would be far preferable to what I am now, and what I am now is a vile pervert. I discovered pornography at the age of 11, and quickly became fascinated by at, most likely due to my hyper-obsessive nature, and while I started out being like any other hormone-driven teen, I soon found myself headed down a road of complete deviancy. My worst moments came about in the three or four years during and surrounding my eating disorder (12-16), in which I touched myself to the likes of bestiality (both simulated and real - though only real a couple of times during my younger years), scat, strange fetishes such as stuffing, pregnancy and other vile things, and a video of a real rape posted to liveleak (or at least I think I did; there have been so many things I have watched that a lot of it has faded from memory entirely). When I was thirteen, I also went as low as to search for (but luckily not find and within days decide to stop searching for) CP (i could try to justify this by saying I never actually looked at it, or that I was only searching for people of my age, but the reality is that I don't know the situation and nothing can truly justify such an intention). I also obsessed over many people in a sexual fashion (schoolmates, teachers, friends' moms), fantasizing over them sexually and masturbating to their social media profiles like the sick freak I was. There were also instances in which I masturbated to cartoon characters who were clearly underage, and that makes my incredibly uncomfortable with myself as a person. Though I got 'better' as I matured, I still frequently touched myself to questionable material, and often frequented sites such as Shadbase, and the Rule34 site to get my twisted kicks, only stopping a couple of months ago when I could no longer justify it to myself. I have been entirely porn-free for over a month now, and while I more morally-pure for it, I cannot shake the crippling guilt of what I've done (how could I ever hope to have a real relationship, a marriage, or kids knowing with what I've done forever looming over me?), nor can I get rid of the sick thoughts that still haunt me. I have still been masturbating to deal with the stress, and every time I do, I feel the perversion creeping back. My thoughts are so twisted that random sick thoughts enter my mind - thoughts of things that I rationally hate, yet feel no disgust towards and I have to force them out with self-loathing and rage. There are days of hope, sure, but they are being sucked away by the days of corruption, in which I can no longer bear to live. I do not want this corruption spreading to my friends and family, and thus I am too afraid to tell them, but they know something is wrong and cannot understand why I would be so harsh on myself. When I see a child, I avert my eyes, paranoid that some sort of explicit thought will enter my mind (which it sometimes has). My thoughts are so muddled that I can no longer discern what truly arouses me and what is paranoia - making me unstable and dangerous to those around me. I do not deserve life.
I have had the pills in front of me, I have pressed the knife to my wrist, and I have written the note to leave behind, yet I am too cowardly to do what is best for the greater good. I am too vain to want to imagine my lifeless corpse scarred and bloated, and too attached to those who love me to want to see them hurting over losing me (or what they know as me).
I could talk more about the father that despite my love for, I harbor a deep-seeded resentment towards for his inability to connect with me on a deeper emotional level, his seemingly apathetic attitude towards my younger self, and his never-forgotten bouts of anger (in which he would scream at me, hit me and threaten to hit me whenever I got on his bad side), but it would just feel like an exercise in excuse-making. I could talk about how a spent a year of my school life, spending every break standing in the cold alone, talking to myself as my only company, but it would feel like another exercise in excuse-making. I cannot justify the awful person that I am, and therefor cannot justify my existence.
I don't blame only myself, though. There are times in which I am filled with an intense bitterness at the quick-to-judge masses that are so quick to dismiss people like me before hearing their story. I hate the fact that I am doomed to be hated. I feel like even people as wonderful as you on this forum are only willing to help me because you feel obligated by your sense of morality to do so, rather than any desire to see a person like me find any happiness.
Everyone is here to judge, and no one to help. Nobody really cares about me - the real me, and it would only pain them if they even glimpsed my true self. I am a detriment to society and do not deserve to live either way, so perhaps suicide will be my way of expressing this... if I can muster up the courage.
In spite of everything I've said here, I have such a love for so many things in life: music, my friends and family, art and movies, and yet this love will be overshadowed by the fact that, despite my attempts to improve, I will always be unworthy of any love back. I'm sorry if this was poorly written or hard to read, or too graphic and hard to stomach, but I'm just so tired and scared. I don't know what to do anymore, and I know no one really wants to help me... perhaps I'm just desperate.
Extra Details:
- I have started seeing a therapist for these issues, yet they haven't contacted me back for another appointment - leading me to trust them less. (I spent a long time in therapy for my eating disorder and was mainly antagonized rather than treated.)
- I have been on antidepressants since the age of around 13 and have recently switched to a new one - with varying degrees of success.
- In spite of all the demented things I have watched, the great majority of my porn-watching was regular pornography (not trying to detract from what I did - I'm just putting it out there).
- I have other deviant sexual desires that I am less ashamed of (eg. a lust for crossdressers, and bigger women) though these things torment me less than the others.
thank you for taking the time to read my worthless musings - any questions please ask
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’m a bad friend A friend of mine was dating my brother but while she was dating him she was talking to 2 other guys. He was really hurt when he found out and I of course took his side. So today we were all together, and my brother was talking about how he was texting this one girl. He got asked how long ago did they start talking and he said 1 month ago, which was when my friend and my brother were still kinda a “thing”. He was only talking to her because he said “if she wants to talk to other people then I will too.” So he did. So when my friend heard that she turned to me and whispered “mother f-Er” so I got upset at that because in my mind she shouldn’t have been upset because he just did what she did. So I said to her “you were talking to everyone too” and she got really upset and now I feel like a bad friend. This probably won’t make sense the whole situation barely makes sense to me.
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self.offmychest
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Does anyone have a problem expressing love and affection? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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It’s been nearly ten years since I tried killing my self In all those years I’ve never felt more alone, more vulnerable, more willing to actually plot it out again and make it happen this time, because this time I have a gun, and this time I’ll make sure to not return this hell of an existence we value so much. One small life lesson I’ve yet to learn is that whenever something good comes it will ultimately have a fallout. Why go on when the ultimate reason for going is hope but everything you’ve ever learned in your human experience is that anything good eventually leads to pain and suffering and will ultimately lead there no matter what. So what’s the point? Go to work, come home to an empty house, pay bills, do it again, I’m already dead it feels like, I’m just trapped within this meat jacket.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm worried my fetishes will keep me from finding a relationship. Well, I’m drunk right now so I might as well admit to something I have been worried about since I was 11. I am genuinely terrified of entering a relationship with anyone because of my obsession with femdom. There are a few reasons for this, first because I have absolutely no interest in vanilla sex and the second is because of how hard it is to find a partner that matches my interests. It’s not like I can approach women with the relationship I want in mind and there are no dating sites for men like me. The worst part about this is how I feel I can’t talk to anyone because if I talk to anyone who is vanilla I must confess parts of sexuality that society is not open to hearing about and even in the community submissive men are shamed for their interests. Ultimately in the BDSM community, there are so few dominant women for every submissive man that I don’t feel like I can compete. Whenever I go to a meet-up most of the women are submissive and the dominant women are in a relationship with another man (and not open to more play partners), I really wish I could just be normal so I could feel like a human being for once, I don’t remember the last day that I didn’t contemplate taking my own life over this, and that makes me feel pathetic but I really feel like I have no place to turn to and I’ll just be mocked no matter who I turn to. Overall, I feel like everything in the dating world works against me since I must be the opposite of who I truly am (a submissive male, on the autism spectrum, poly and mentally ill) to stand a chance in the dating world.
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self.offmychest
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How do people suffer from others dying? I've never had a close one die on me before so I do not know the feeling. I've attempted to commit suicide 8 times by now. Overdose, knife injury... you name it. But each time people had been saying how the world would feel without me, I don't understand where they're coming from.
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self.SuicideWatch
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feeling like people are going to hurt me? I have this new anxiety symptom and I'm wondering if anyone can relate to it..
Whenever I feel anxious (usually during the night) i start thinking that my closest friend is going to hurt me or is out to get me somehow. I dont have a concrete idea of how that would happen but I just feel like something bad will happen. I feel like our bond is too good to be true, because its the closest friend ive had. There are no indicators that he would hurt me nor does he have a history of hurting anyone its all just really irrational and the feeling goes away when my anxiety/depressive state goes away.
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self.Anxiety
|
Dont get me wrong im excited to go back to where i grew up but i cant stand leaving again. So i moved away from my hometown about 5 months ago and i went back once in the summer. Now dont get me wrong going back was great to see all my friends and shit and just being carefree for a week but the last few hours there after my friend went to bed i snuck out of his house and smoked in his van by myself (he allowed me to do this) and i just started fucking balling because i would be leaving again and be so far from everything i know. Its wierd living in a semi small city that is basucally secluded (not in the way of location but just how life works there) it felt like everything paused for that week and shit was great and nothing changed and going back really made me sad, dont get me wrong im happy happier where i am now then i did living in my hometown. Now im deciding when to head back and that anxiety about last time comes back. The pause on life was so good it was scary. Its like i viewed the place differently once i moved. And now going back this time im scared on how i am going to feel. I guess going there puts me in this gigantic rush of nostalgia.
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self.Anxiety
|
I can't function anymore. It takes me 15 minutes to write just one thing on my to-do list. I literally don't know how to plan my day out anymore. I just sit at the blank piece of paper scratching my head, and feeling how stuck my brain is. I only have school to focus on right now, but I can't even keep up with the schoolwork anymore because I have no mental energy.
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self.offmychest
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I have anxiety over being alone, but also about people coming home? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Im Pissed Im so fucking angry. Im mad at myself for being a dumb fuck who cant do shit. Im done with myself as a person and I wish I could just lay in the shower all day long. Im mad at my mom making me choose to do dumb shit like acupuncture. I am so so done just save me from the god damn hell of my mind and let me live for once in my entire existence.
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self.depression
|
Adult son and family living with us First let me say I love my children and my grandchildren. They are my heart. ❤️
But I am becoming very tired of being used by my adult son (25m), his girlfriend (25f) to take care of and raise their two children (3f & 1m).
A little back story: the husband and I agreed to let them live with us due to their previous living arrangements being unsafe for the grandchildren. They have been back since June of this year.
In October I was injured at my job but wasn’t put on medical leave till September. Since then, I have been taking care of their kids till one of them wakes up. Which is around noon, when I’ve laid them down for their nap.
My son is supposed to be the stay at home dad while the girlfriend works.
I’m becoming resentful, angry, irritated and feeling extremely used because of this. They thank me for helping out but I am still feeling used.
I want to be the type of Nana That’s has the grandkids visit and I get to have fun with them. Not me raising them.
I have tried talking to them. Tried waking them up when I’m at my wits end. Nothing. The husband works all day and gets that ‘papa’ time. When do I get the ‘Nana’ time with them.
Any viable advice?
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self.offmychest
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So.. I’ve been severely depressed for about 2 years now. Funny thing is when my dad realised there was something wrong with me he obviously took me to the doctors and all they did was send me to a counsellor. I’ve done counselling SOO many times in the past , talking to someone literally doesn’t help me at all!!
Yeah it’s good to let things out and I’ve felt better knowing I’m not the only one feeling this way but it doesn’t actually help the problem, its not changing the way my brain works, it’s not giving me motivation to get out of bed in the morning or the confidence to get a job where you have to socialise on a daily basis. Talking isn’t changing my anxiety attack’s!
As much as I say this no one seems to listen, my counsellor says going on meds’ aren’t gonna be good for me , that I’ll become addicted or some shit or the so called ‘ therapy ‘ is better. But like come on . Really ? Everytime I go in there I want to cry , talking about the way I feel just makes me overthink about it more and I end up getting even worse.
Why won’t they just let me try out meds at least test them to see if it actually changes the way my brain works maybe making me more motivated to actually get out of bed in the morning because I know for a fact this counselling isn’t doing that
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self.depression
|
Does anybody else here regret how they wasted their best years? I'm 25 years of age and in the same position as I was at 16. Never had a girlfriend, never had a job. My dad always made choices for me, and so I've always lacked initiative to do my own thing. I even went through university studying something I hated and had no plan to follow through with. Fuck!
I want life to be exciting, but I feel at 25 it is too late to start over and begin to direct your own life since everything seems already set in stone and I can't go back to university again to party my brains out. So I have to start from scratch now and be my own person after sitting back throughout life with controlling parents.
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self.offmychest
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Overcoming paranoid thoughts you know are paranoid? Hey all. I've had anxiety for quite a while now, but just within the past few months, after my first panic attack, I've had non stop paranoid thoughts--which I know are paranoid, and I am constantly battling them. I don't believe them--they just cause a lot more anxiety because it stirs "what ifs". Any help?
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self.Anxiety
|
Any fast-acting OTC medications or supplements for anxiety I find myself getting panicy a lot. My heart beats way to hard and fast to the point where it's uncomfortable and almost hurts. My body and muscles tense up and are stiff, sometimes I tremble and can't stop shaking. I don't really want to take benzos and any specific anxiety medication. I'm just trying to find something that can calm me down and fast acting in times when I get anxious and need it to stop.
Anything that I could get at a drug store or grocery store that could help?
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self.Anxiety
|
Noob here. I think I’m in a manic state and don’t feel “in control”. I’m googling around, but do you guys have any tips or tricks you know about when you have a moment of clarity to try getting yourself back under control?
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self.bipolar
|
Not sure what to do anymore... I've spent the last 4 years of my life depressed now and I've accomplished nothing in that time. I have no job and will be getting kicked out in a few weeks, I'm not sure what I should do. It takes me so much effort just to get up in the morning. Honestly I just want to sleep forever. My family have given up on me and I'm pretty sure they all dislike me at this point. I wasn't always this way.
How am I supposed to find a place to live with no money and no job when I have nobody to help me. If I told them how I felt or that I tried to take my own life they wouldn't take me seriously or they'd think that I was lying.
I'm at the end of the rope and I'm contemplating letting go.
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self.depression
|
I posted in here a year ago about how i was beginning to get help, and now life is actually really nice sometimes. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
My abnormal psychology professor did not believe that (hypo)mania can be triggered by external events First of all, I'm very aggravated at how quickly my psychology professors are quick to yell "STIGMA AGAINST MENTAL HEALTH IS BAD." Yet, bipolar disorder is still of condemned and misunderstood. The example of (hypo)mania my professor provided was a video of woman boasting about abusing her husband.
Later, a student who works as a receptionist at a hospital mentioned a man arguing with nurses and asked "could this man be bipolar?"
"Yes. It's likely."
We had no other context of this man's behavior. We don't know how the hospital staff was treating him. And to immediately assume he may have been bipolar based on this information alone is unprofessional.
The final straw was when a student asked if (hypo)mania could be triggered by external events, as is the case with depression. She brushed me off when I tried to explain that yes, it can.
I'm mostly looking to rant, but if anybody knows of research that demonstrates the relationship between (hypo)mania and external factors, could you please provide links?
EDIT: I just wanted to add that my instructor did not believe that people experiencing manic phases could be self aware. This is frustrating to me. I KNOW when I'm manic and that my actions are unreasonable, just as a depressed person is aware they are depressed and that their suicidal thoughts are unreasonable. That doesn't make it any less real.
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self.bipolar
|
Catastrophize When I go to my weekly doctor's appointments, sometimes I like to take notes. And my doctor's okay with this because it can be beneficial. I have a sheet of paper, and a lot of it I come up with myself. But he guides me in the right direction.
I'm not going to lie, the main reason I do this is because I want to create an autobiography or have a movie made about my life. And having an expert give me professional terms really excites me. :P
I lost yesterdays notes. It must have fallen out of my pocket on the train. I was really upset because I was looking forward to writing up a blog post. :(
The following is what I remember:
I’m really frustrated sitting in the house EVERY SINGLE DAY. I’m 30 years old, have no job, no woman, I barely see friends. I'm wasting my life. But I’m also stuck in a comfort zone.
We talked about my fear of commuting into the city.
Driving is overwhelming to me because I fear I’m going to get into a car accident, I fear changing lanes. I start to panic.
Also, I'm on a lot of prescription medication. But there is no evidence that this affects my ability to drive.
I'm afraid of the train station parking lot. What happens if I can't find a parking spot? Will I miss my appointment? As a result, I like my Mom or Step Dad to drive me to the train station.
Then when I get into the city, I'm afraid of getting lost. What if I accidentally take the wrong subway and wind up in a really bad neighborhood. My doctor says I can ask someone for help, I have money, I have my phone, GPS.
I catastrophize the entire trip.
As a result, I stay in my room. But good mental health will come when I overcome my anxiety.
Getting bullied made me feel like everyone is hostile towards me. I behave like a deer caught in headlights expecting people to bully me. The reality is, most people don’t even notice I exist. But I’m constantly having panic attacks in public.
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self.offmychest
|
I can't decide if i should go to the gp in the morning (You are not my doctor)
So I made an appointment like a week ago with my gp because I was convinced something was very wrong with me, and now that it's the night before I've convinced myself I'm totally fine. But the reason I made the appointment was that I was just feeling really weird and finding it impossible to leave the house (missed like a week straight of work), felt very anxious and like every car coming past my window was a bad ominous sign, as well as just generally not being able to sleep.
I started lamictal like two months ago and after a month I felt much better but now i feel strange. I did notice that I got the generic this time and last time I took it and it worked it was the more expensive brand one.
I have a psychiatrist appointment in two months time but I might cancel because I won't be able to afford the gap.
I feel okay now and I realise there is very little the gp can do. I would like some anxiety medication I'm always too afraid to ask because it's not viewed kindly here.
TLDR: I made a gp appointment a week ago because I felt strange, feel okay now, should I still go or cancel?
|
self.bipolar
|
I cheated on my wife last night. Last night I was at a fund-raiser for a high-school friend who has cancer. My wife stayed home because she dislikes crowds and noise, and to be honest, she's been distant lately. Not an excuse, just a fact.
I was sitting with a couple of my friends, and one, we'll call Amy, was someone I had a crush on in high school but never pursued it. Amy and I sat there and talked for hours, catching up on the past 12 years and whatnot, and it seemed so natural. We laughed, we got a little weepy, and we kinda went into our own little space.
I texted my wife and said I'd be home later than I thought, she texted back and said no problem, she was going to bed. So I went and got Amy and myself another couple drinks, and we moved off to a slightly quieter area. It became obvious that something was happening. She leaned forward, put her hands on mine, and said "You know, I always liked you and wanted to tell you years ago."
I broke. I kissed her. She kissed me back. Time stopped, and I felt a twinge of guilt but I was already lost. We walked out to my car, I drove her to her place, and I threw away 10 years of marriage for mediocre sex.
I got home at 2am, showered, and slept on the couch. I couldn't bear to get in bed with my wife. She's still sleeping, and I'm going to have to figure out what to do.
|
self.offmychest
|
I should have gone My grandpa passed away the morning of the 21st. He has been battling cancer for a few years and it's good he finally passed. His pain is over now. But I wish I had seen him before he passed. I always had an excuse. Work, my car won't make it, money is tight. He always understood. People have lives and their own problems. He was a kind and considerate man, and always understood.
But I should have made it. I should have gone when he got cancer again last year. I should have gone when I heard last week that his cancer had spread. I should have gone when I was told Wednesday night that he had hours to days to live. But I never did. Always had something stop me. And now I'll never have that opportunity again. He won't get to see his great granddaughter, though I probably would have had an excuse then too. I hate that I didn't see him. I hate that I didn't make the time, make the drive, and see him before he passed. Even this last Wednesday night, when he would have most likely been unconscious due to pain and medicine. I still could have seen him. Said goodbye.
And now I can't even make it to his funeral. My wife will be too far along and I need to be with her. Everyone tells me this. They understand. I need to be with her at this stage in the pregnancy. Nobody would hold it against me. Not even grandpa. I know they're right. Grandpa wouldn't want me to leave my wife to come. She can't go, so I need to stay with her. Grandpa always put family first and would tell me to do the same. What everyone fails to realize is that I don't agree. I should have made it, but didn't. And now I can't even see him one last time before he gets buried to say goodbye. To see him one last time. I know I should have made an exception one time to see him. To tell him I loved him. To just spend some time with him in his final years. They're right of course. My wife needs me and she needs to come first. Everyone understands, my grandpa most of all.
It just doesn't make it hurt any less.
|
self.offmychest
|
What can I do? Help is appreciated Hi, I am 14 years old I go to school in the UK. I am dumb, that's not me being hard on my self I am simply dumb and lack in common sense. I am a PC gamer when I get home from school I sit and game on my pc for hours on end. I don't have many friends, I used to but then I started to get upset all the time I was known for being someone who is sad and has no life or friends, I am not at all confident not even on games. I like 1:playing games 2:playing basketball casually ( I have to travel to a different village to play and I am not allowed by my parents ) 3: I sometimes do drawing but I am terrible 4: I like cars 5: I have always been open to learning for eg. I tried learning how to code a website on my own with an online course. I learnt about pc hardware and tech. But I like to do it freely for eg. I hate class environments I like to be on my own making my own decisions. 6: I love listening to music. 7:I am interest in some form of content creating career in gaming but I am a squaker, pc is not powerful enough, confidence. I just feel so drained, useless, and worthless. Thanks in advance :)
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self.depression
|
Just had a panic attack over hearing that we will have guests in evening. da fuck! Seriously there is nothing to be afraid of except having a panic attack in front of them.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Has anybody experienced this and if yes, how do I stop it? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I need help for a depressed friend I have a friend who is really sweet when you get to know him, but he is also very 'edgy' and doesn't like when people confront him about his problems. He also talks about how he's depressed sometimes as a "joke" but he's my friend and I want to make sure he is okay. Thank you
tl;dr: Edgy friend is depressed, doesn't want to talk, I want to help
|
self.depression
|
My family is obsessed with milk (x-post from /r/misophonia) I've gotten to the point where I can't tolerate this anymore. I know this may seem like a weird/strange problem and i'm honestly very embarrassed to reveal it, but let me reassure you that this is a very legitimate problem this bothers me more and more every single day.
I'm going to provide a bit of context into my life situation before I focus on the main problem. This is going to be a very long post so please bare with me.
I am 19, male, an only child and live with my parents. My parents basically live their lives by doing the exact same thing every single day. My mom stays at home and forces herself to do nothing but meaningless chores while my dad works (he retires in April) They have an extremely ritualistic routine that they stick to with slight variations, almost every single day of the year no matter what. It drives me insane for some reason. They are very old (both 60) and we have lived in the same house our entire lives, so everyone and everything around me is very familiar. The noises that things make when they clank together, voices, weather, everything. It gets very old very quickly. On top of that my family is very frugal and we don't really buy new household utensils. Everything from plates, spoons, cups, forks and chairs we have had as long as I can remember, nearly 20 years now. They all make the same fucking sounds every single day. There is almost no novelty in my life and sometimes I feel like i'm living in a loop, doing the exact same thing every single day. There are probably hundreds of things that my parents do that annoy me, but they are very kind people and I feel guilty whenever I bring it up with them. and I feel like a useless piece of shit for letting things that neurotypical people deal with on a daily basis annoy me so much, but I can't help it. My parents are very kind, hardworking, goodhearted people and it destroys me on the inside that I let little things bother me so much.
Now I'm going to focus on the main problem that is bothering me. Please don't laugh at me for this, I don't know why I do it and I wish it could just stop. My parents are obsessed and most likely addicted to milk. They have been drinking five to six glasses, every single day, for the majority of my lifetime. They treat it like it's the magical fucking solution to every problem and consume about four to five gallons every every two weeks. They drink at least two glasses with every meal, and slurp it loudly and slowly which drives me insane. They drink 1% milk which isn't even that nutritious and it tastes disgusting which makes me even more confused. Milk was almost like religion that my parents tried to shove down my throat as a kid, both physically and metaphorically. I've tried sitting down and talking about it with them hundreds of times, but they are set in their ways and they don't really care how much it bothers me. There is no possible way I can move out of the house until at least April next year. I feel trapped, as minuscule as this problem is.
My dad even asks my mom EVERY SINGLE DAY if she "wants milk" with her meal even though EVERY SINGLE DAY she says "yes". I honestly don't understand why he asks my mom if she wants milk if every single day the answer is yes?? I tense up and get physically angry (i'm a very peaceful person) every time I hear him say it. And when I say every single day I mean literally every.single.day.
I know this seems like a very unimportant situation but I honestly don't know why I hate milk so much. I have a variety of mental health problems that I have been diagnosed with and am on medication for (ADHD, bipolar disorder, OCD, a bit of Asberger's) and I understand this is a more of a mental health problem more than anything but I'm too embarrassed to bring this up with my doctor.
If anyone here has any advice for me I am open to a variety of options. Please don't make fun of me.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Cutting myself off from a friend group So, I recently left all of social media (Except Snapchat) because I wanted to rid myself from the anxiety that stems from those applications. Along with all of that, I left a group chat of about 7 friends, give or take.
I felt left out, unable to be myself, and always walking on eggshells. I’m still friends with some of them, but the group felt constricting, if that makes any sense.
Am I doing the right thing?
|
self.depression
|
Is This anxiety? Complex PTSD? Not sure. Hi there,
Long story short, I went through a lot of emotional and psychological abuse from my Nparents as well as bullying at school. I have a host of disorders including depression, anxiety, as well as complex PTSD.
However, I have this strange symptom which appears every now and then which is this "freeze response". Now, I've read about the freeze response due to PTSD, but I don't know if my experience lines up with the one found online.
Here's what I feel when I "freeze up", with the context:
One time I was with two friends and we went shopping. We're all relatively young people, 18-19 years old.
These two friends of mine have a habit of roasting/dissing me a lot for fun, which I'm very not cool with since I have extremely low self esteem. However, I try my best to seem confident, as if their jabs don't phase me at all.
One time a friend was roasting me as we're walking around the store, and I just... ...kind of froze I guess you could call it that? Not literally, of course. My body was still moving, but it felt stiff, and it felt almost as if I was "slower" than usual. Like my physical body couldn't keep up with the "rest of the world". I also felt the muscles in my face become "helpless". What I mean by that is I felt sad and hurt on the inside, and my face kind of began expressing that. I very much felt my face adopt a more "sad" and "depressed" facial expression. Judging my how one of my friends was looking at me, they definitely noticed the change in my facial expression and I felt like shit.
This "freeze response" of mine (again, I do not know if this truly is the PTSD freeze response), occurs every now and then, perhaps every 3-4 months. It's very debilitating and I don't know what to do.
So what exactly is this symptom of mine? Could anyone clarify, or perhaps even share similar experiences?
Thank you very much for reading!
|
self.Anxiety
|
I don't know why I'm putting this out there... I wonder what could have been. Who would I be if my illness were non-existant? Would I be successful? Would I be happy? Would my strongest friendships and relationships have actually lasted? Would I feel so isolated and abandoned…? It is the wondering that hurts the most. Forever contemplating what could have been had I not been held back by the inefficiency of my own brain.
These thoughts never leave my head. These thoughts keep me awake at night and distracted throughout the day. An endless cycle of what ifs.
I have given up all hope of these thoughts ever subsiding. I have given up hope of ever being truly happy. I have resigned myself to a perpetual battle with my own mind; and with such resignation I have empowered myself.
No, I will never be content. No, I will never be “normal”. No, I will never love myself and have sufficient confidence to brush off my insecurities. Yet I am strong; I will survive. I will forever battle with the demons inside. Surrender is not an option for me anymore.
With understanding and acceptance of my illness I have found the strength to fight. To stare into the eyes of the black dog and say, “Not today mother fucker. Not any day.”
I will never back down again. I will never take the easy way out. I will struggle. I will hurt. I will cry, and rage, and scream into the night; I will polish my armour after every battle and despite my exhaustion I will continue to fight.
I may have depression, but depression doesn't have me.
|
self.bipolar
|
I'm pretty much invisible on Facebook I don't know how some people can get so many likes on everything. Am I just not sociable/visible/attractive enough?
|
self.depression
|
Thank god for Hypomania Yeah, I know that title probably sounds insane to a lot of people, but hear me out.
If the two hours I just wasted on Amazon adding shit to my wish list even though I have $3 in my account, the barrage of messages I've sent in the family group chat that I usually ignore, and the random body zaps are any indication, I'm probably slithering toward a hypomanic episode at the moment.
Now, I can't say for sure because
a) I was only diagnosed Bipolar in February, so I'm not an expert on the signs (although I did grow up with a Bipolar sister and a Bipolar mother)
b) Until I went on Depakote, I used to have either horrific, suicidal, paranoid mixed state episodes or full blown total loss of control manic episodes with lots of drugs/alcohol and impulsive sexual behavior.
This is all to say that, yeah, I'm not sure what hypomania feels like since I usually just hop-skip-jump straight to the "my brain is vibrating, maybe we should kill ourselves!" stage. But I think that's what this is.
It's worrying in it's own way, but a lot less terrifying than what I'm used to, so I'm saying "Yay, hypomania!" because this means the Depakote is at least doing something - I'm not completely flying off the handle like I used to. And while that's not perfect, I'll take it for what it is - an improvement. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping it doesn't get too much worse than this. I've been feeling this way for a few days there's still time for the shit to hit the fan.
This is not to downplay what a pain in the ass hypomania is for y'all with Bipolar II, btw, I don't want it to sound that way or to sound like I'm implying people with Bipolar I have it worse! Hypomania sucks, mania sucks, depression sucks, mixed states REALLY fucking suck, but I'm just so glad I'm not rolling on the carpet screaming and ripping my hair out this time. Now, if only I could sit still long enough to focus on my fucking work...
|
self.bipolar
|
What do you do when you realize you're a huge failure and disappointment? I'm such a fuck up. I'm going to disappoint my parents who spent a shit ton of money into sending me all alone across oceans to a film school for a crash course and I'm going to fail my course and never get the diploma I set out for because of depression and not being good enough. I am my biggest roadblock and I've ruined my life but I don't even care about myself, I just don't want them to have to deal with me. I'm a failure and a liability and a coward. I don't know how to deal with it anymore I just want to disappear.
|
self.depression
|
How do you get over feelings of not being enough? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
I wonder how my personality is without mental illnesses [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Lost interest in everything. I’ve sat in a dark room for 5 hours staring at a wall, doing nothing. Yet I still felt as bored as if I were to just watch Netflix or play games. I feel bored and scared. Scared that I lost my mind and will never be normal again.
|
self.depression
|
highs and lows I've had a lot of bad shit happen to me lately, then yesterday I had an argument with my boss, who has been bullying me for ages, and I walked out of my job. I absolutely couldn't take it any more, i felt physically sick every morning and had to drag myself out of bed to get there.
So on one hand i'm happy to be out of there and on the other I'm scared about not being able to pay rent and stuff if I can't find another job quickly. If anyone needs a web developer let me know!
|
self.depression
|
I honest to god think I’m gonna kill myself one day I just don’t see the point in anything. Life is boring. There’s no point. It’s Christmas too and I hate the fact that people spent money on me. I hate that I can’t make any friends. I honestly don’t think I want to live any longer. It’s just all so pointless.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
What if your depression isn’t due to a chemical imbalance? What if it’s due to a lot of things that happened, that you never got a chance to process or talk to anyone about... What do you do? Who do you turn to in that case? What if everything that happened was too weird for anyone to understand or help you with? How do you make yourself feel better without anyone’s help - because if you ask it’s too much to help you with, but it’s too much to handle by yourself?
|
self.depression
|
Thinking About Just Doing It I Know No One Is Going To Reply But This Is Most Likely The End For Me , 20 Years Old And My Life Just Isn't Good
Ive Been Depressed For A While Over Lots Of Things Such as being in love with my ex which she doesn't love me at all.
Living In A Home with Roaches & Rats With No AC , Barely Have Money & Nobody Really Talks To Me At All.
For The Past Few Months Ive Been Really Trying to do better with my life but im getting no where and its the same shit that has my head fucked up.
Even When I Try Not to think negative i wake up and all these problems and this reality sets in on me.
I feel like im just a nobody , all my friends have girlfriends and social lives and im just always alone
And i feel that my thoughts in my head wont get any better because they haven't & i also have Porn induced ED which makes my life a whole lot worse
Im a really good person but nothing but bad things happens to me , all ive ever been tryna do is better myself and it seems that god is punishing me or something when all ive tried to do is the right thing
I'd Rather Be Dead Than To Be Stuck With These Same Problems For The Rest Of My Life ....
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
(NSFW) No one else can make me cum This has been bothering me so much lately. Let me put a bit of context into it first.
I'm a victim of sexual assaults from 2 abusive relationships and it takes a while for me to trust people.
I met my now Husband 6 years ago and I love him to pieces. We have a great sex life but he has only managed to make me orgasm on a handful of occasions. They have all been either building up to it for an hour or more or with mechanical assistance.
The main issue here is that, he doesn't know that he can't make me cum, because at the start of the relationship I felt bad letting him keep trying for longer than like 20 minutes so I would fake an orgasm.
This unfortunately continued, fast forward six years and a wedding later and now I'm in this predicament where I want to tell him but I don't want to hurt his feelings.
I enjoy sex alot but this really really bothers me. I get so upset sometimes because I feel so bad.
We have a great sex life and we both have quite high sex drives. But he rarely ever makes me cum. I fake it almost everytime.
I can always bring myself to orgasm though. Never had a problem with it, soemtiems it takes a while but I always manage to do it.
I wish I could tell him without making him feel bad, he loves pleasuring me so much and he is so so good at it, but I just can't get over the edge. I hit a point and that's it, I just can't get past it.
I know it's a mental block, I just wish there was something I could do to break it
It makes me feel like a shitty wife that I keep lying to him about it. But I feel like it's gone on so long now that I don't have any other choice.
Just had to get it off my chest. Feel abit better I guess.
Thanks for reading.
|
self.offmychest
|
Feeling beyond depressed Someone please message me. I need help
|
self.depression
|
Feeling really down and powerless I dunno what to do, I feel like I should do something but my mind is blank and I don't seem able to convince myself anything is worth doing because no matter how hard I try everything all just goes to shit. I'm sitting here with my face and neck feeling numb again. The allergist isnt going to help, the last one was scarily incompetent, it's probably not an allergy but I have to rule that out. I likely have something neurological according to my pdoc and like it's possible to find anyone competent. No doctor is going to help. This shit has been going on for a month and I don't know what's wrong. I don't have the energy to fight everything, I just get pushed around.
I can't sleep I can't eat or drink. I feel constantly dehydrated and hungry. Almost everything I eat makes my face and/or body go numb.
|
self.bipolar
|
So I finally reached out to a Suicide Hotline today and poured my heart out... [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
The feeling of loneliness A feeling I wouldn't wish upon my greatest enemy (not that I have one). I feel like no one really needs me, the "friends" I have wouldn't really give a single damn if I just offed myself. Family wouldn't speak to me at all if I wouldn't have been calling them every few weeks to see how things are going. Just sitting here on my bed, considering the good 'ol rope, always kept it in the closet for such an occasion. Don't even know why I'm writing here, maybe to find someone who can prove me wrong?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm freaking out about my upcoming customer service job I got a job at Burger King that starts in a few days. I have only had jobs where I work alone and this is the first customer service job I've had. I am freaking the f out. I have heard horror stories about working in customer service. I don't know if u can stand on my feet for 8 hours for three days straight. I am terrified. What should I do?
|
self.Anxiety
|
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