text
stringlengths 39
36.7k
| label
stringclasses 5
values |
|---|---|
Don't take my niceness as a weakness. I can be extremely patient. I can forgive you hundreds of times for all your mistakes, be it big or small. I can close an eye to your fucked up attitude.
But like everyone else, I do have a limit. So don't test it.
|
self.offmychest
|
Fighting this awful sense of dread I don’t know how to describe it, any more than it’s not sadness, but it’s not exactly numbness either. It’s something—and it’s not pleasant and makes me not want to exist lol.
|
self.depression
|
please if everyone would just go away... and LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! I just wanted everyone to know, I hate you all. I hate everything and everyone. Everyone's problem is so insignificant in the grand scheme of things, nothing matters. Oh wait, how can that be true when we have causality... one thing always leads to another.
Is it everyone that i hate, or do i just hate myself? Have to look inward, problem has to be inward. What is it about myself, what don't i like?
Should probably list problems down... makes it easier to digest.
-Not close with family
-Sick sense of humor
-Enjoy others suffering (it makes me happy, when others suffer... like I'm)
-Very little empathy
-Believe I have some sort of personality disorder (not psychopath, still aware of surrounding)
-Tortured 2 small hamsters to death at 14, didn't have problem letting a few guinea pigs die in the cold.
-Don't like being around too many people
Been watching alot of Xandria Ooi videos on facebook. She is semi right about most thing. I envy her, and I want to be a good person... I honestly do, but I don't think I'm built like that. Should I just accept who I am? Should i just accept I'm a monster?...
Should i just be noble and selfless? Lock myself far removed from other?... It would be an honorable sacrifice, lock myself away and just end it all. Should i just give in? Killers now have too high of a body count. Ending my own life would be better for everyone, but no one would remember me. Why does it matter who remembers, i'll be dead. Better to be infamous then famous? easier maybe. Hmm... am I writing here to subconsciously reach out for help? no doubt it's getting harder to manage. Too many voices... in here. It's weird... it's my own voice in my head, but just talking too fast to hear. Am i going crazy? How would i know, since the crazy man believe he's normal? But if I'm aware I'm going crazy... does that make me normal?
Sigh... too tired, don't want to fight it anymore. Just wanna let go. Don't want to rationalize it. Am i over analyzing? can't be... I'm looking inwards and trying to find the true self. Tired of searching for answers... too many questions. Too tired... just want answers. Am i depressed? How would i know?
Sigh... too tired... we'll see how tomorrow goes. Just want all the noise to go away... make the noise stop.
Not going to remember password... should check post for answers, but there are no answers. Why... Where are the answers? Just tell me where to go... It would be so much easier to end everyone and everything. afrwehserthswegesjwse54tryheadsp8ygw34pty9q8234y[t098ghrps[eun[ pw234809tyvq [048vtyw3-p8r5geu h q[p3498rtyv bqwp498tywq3-498tywper etvahswrpgwaer8t ybq-p43098ty wpr gh[0w34yut[ q23048ytpgriushr nw8p0394yt n-[qw03489yt bp-qv3rhugpfqawe8yderfr[p 0Q3C794NQ-2[3 045YTHQP4WPTGERH
fuck it... going to bed.
Hope everyone is doing well. Best wishes
|
self.offmychest
|
Deleted my Facebook account I'm tired of feeling sad, and spending all my time attached to my phone. I also stopped using Instagram, my next step is to stop using Reddit. I know that there's people struggling with worst problems than I do, I feel bad for crying everyday about my situation. I don't know what to do, I want to delete myself too. I hate thinking everyday about the past and just reminding myself how I made the wrong decisions.
|
self.Anxiety
|
A part of my journal entry today, thought you guys might find it relatable/entertaining I've recently started journaling every day to better understand my problems and have a peace of mind. I made an interesting metaphor for my social anxiety that some of you might relate to and wanted to share:
> There's a PC game named 'Facade' in which you must convince an AI couple to keep their marriage together using your keyboard input. You can say lots of things or nothing with only light consequences. However, there is one very odd glitch in which typing any instance of the word "melon" triggers the husband to become appalled and, in an unexpected turn, kick you out.
>What does some stupid glitched-up game have to do with my social downfalls? To tell the truth, I fear that anything I say will be my reality's "melon". Not anything- I can still talk, of course. With my best friend there's essentially no "melon". With strangers, even approaching them could be a "melon". Of course that isn't true. The only plausible "melons" would be inappropriate flirting, touching, and politics (in this day and age, ha.) I know people like to be talked to. If that's the case, why do I have to feel suffocated by a heap of melons when the moment comes?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Goddammit. I need to get this out. So i have been making my way through the AmA for Battlefront 2 and i have concluded that ALL THE ANSWERS ARE THE FUCKING SAME THING! "We are looking..." We are working on..." "Early play trial (or whatever the fuck)..."
All the goddamn same work around answers. Nothing concrete and nothing solid. I knew the AmA was gonna be a cluster fuck and EA dick stroking but, fuck, man, its unbearable. We dont want your shitty loot crates. We dont want progression locked behind paywalls. We dont want to spend years of our lives playing a game with little to no interesting gaming experience beyond buying shitty unlocks. This is essentially a mobile game in a AAA game dress. It looks and plays like a AAA game but it acts and works like a mobile game. Next thing you know wr have to wait for our timer to recharge before we can keep playing. Unfortunately, the entire game was built around the loot boxes and that includes progression. What we got is a shallow campaign and a grindy shooter multiplayer. Honestly, in like six months, no one wants to play or grind for the shit EA produced. I do like to visit the $5 bargain bin at gamestop.
I love Star Wars, man. My little brother and i watched all the shows, movies, played the games we could get our hands on. It hurts to see the thing i loved growing uo, the thing i got my brother to love get bastardized all in the name of greed. I like DICE and i give them the benefit of the doubt that this is all EA meddling. Man, how i just want to go back to the days where a game was complete at launch with no shady back deals, no cut content behind pay walls, and no bullshit dlc shenanigans.
|
self.offmychest
|
Nothing is ever enough, I want to be better. At everything. I want to be better looking. A better artist. A better person. Etc. and its never enough. The more I improve the more I find flaws and when I find flaws I think of myself as bad. It feels like the better I get at something, the worse... ...It makes me feel. I can't express joy anymore. I can laugh, but it last so short of a time that I forget it immediately and remember how bad I am. My friends think I'm fine. My family too. But I'm not, and I don't know how much longer I can keep pretending like I'm ok. My family consider me to be really smart and talented. My friends too. But compliments just go in one ear and out the other. Its like they say what they say only because they know its what I want to hear. I don't know what to do. I just keep telling myself that it wont last forever and to just give it time.
|
self.depression
|
2016-2017 I'm glad to have known you. Or so I thought..
Perhaps I've never found you and that's ok too.
|
self.offmychest
|
What are your Thoughts I'm planning on killing myself on the 16'th. We're having a school party on the 15'th and I was thinking I'm going to do it on midnight after the party, so the 16'th it is. I'm also writing down everything so I can leave behind a memory and I was wondering where to post it
Edit: for example as a blog or article or something
|
self.depression
|
So many thoughts racing in my head... Hello everyone...
Warning: This will not be coherent typing for the most part, I’m just typing as I’m thinking. My apologies.
I’m a 19 year old college student currently in his sophomore year. This semester has been the hardest. It started off OK, but then I had a mental breakdown and withholding it for so long finally caught up to me. I ended up dropping two of my four courses, even though I told my parents I wanted to drop all of them so I could figure things out, they didn’t support that and since I go to a community college and live with them I ended up regretfully doing what they told me to do. I just dropped my third class on the final day to drop and now I have three Ws on my transcript. So now I have one class left and I’m going to get a B in it when it would’ve been an A had I just taken it next semester a as I originally wanted. Depression has been in my life for quite some time. As a kid I was obese and constantly bullied and never had any friends (still don’t) I changed that my freshman year of high school and lost 127 pounds by the time I was in my junior year of high school. Well, I noticed something was wrong my senior year, I started eating like shit again and was gaining some weight back. I ignored it. Then came freshman year of college, I ended with a 3.5 even though I never let myself study and was invited to an honor society, scholastic leadership and honors classes. Then the problems got worse, I continued to gain weight and I did worse in school. The above mentioned programs I was in, I was kicked out because my gpa dropped to 3.241. Now we’re to this semester and I feel I’ve fucked up so much and it’s embarrassing. I gained all the weight back and I’m just a fat fucking piece of shit. I hate my life and I hate that I’ve allowed myself to fuck me over constantly. When I broke down I finally admitted my problems to my parents as I was worried what they’d feel like since their “golden child” is so fucked up mentally and I’m seeing a counselor but I ended up cancelling last week because I told her the last session I was doing better with eating and getting that on track (that was true) but I ended up fucking up big time and kept eating like shit after doing well for about two weeks. I feel trapped. I feel worthless. I’m going to see my counselor on Friday and talk about if she’s willing to provide documentation of my issue to my college so that I can have my withdrawals exempted, but I’m not sure how that all works and even if I’ll have mine be exempted. I knew I should’ve just took a break from school but I allowed my parents to pressure me into “working it out”. So now I may be permanently stuck with 3 Ws on my transcript. I didn’t even want to go to community college but I decided to because I wanted to get into UT Austin, but that’s not ever happening so I’ve settled on UT Dallas but I’m not sure if that’s going to be possible either. Funny thing is... I was automatically accepted into UT Dallas out of high school, but no I was a fucking idiot and decided to go to community college because I wanted to go to UT Austin. I’ve fucked up so much and I just can’t handle it anymore. I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost. I want to finish my computer science degree but it’s just so hard. I really wish my parents would’ve been more supportive of my decision, but I understand why they were so hesitant since they both almost finished college but never did. It’s just I needed that time and I did get some time to reflect and get help, but not enough. I’m trying to get back to a normal course load next semester but I’m not sure if that’s going to be realistic.
I’m sorry again for the incoherent wall of text.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
apathy! i used to have severe anxiety and depression but lately its been cooled down but in its place apathy has developed i feel nothing majority of the time and im not interested in anyone or anything i try but i feel nothing, i try talking to people but i usually loose interest and concentration with in the first 5 min so it leads to awkward boring conversations. my questions how can i stop going into auto apathy and how can i start feeling again?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I just did my laundry and I just finished hanging them.
...still have like 3 more loads to place in but I'll wait until this one dries first.
Haven't done any laundry (or anything applaudable) for months. am a bit proud for doing this minuscule day to day thing. yay.
|
self.depression
|
had a bad sudden anxiety attack earlier, from something stupid :( - is there anything you can do when you feel a bad spiral of anxiety coming on? So I was doing pretty well today until I went to a store at 6 o clock, and unbeknownst to me it closed right at 6 o clock, I didn't know. When I got there the sign said open but when I got up to enter the door they changed the sign and said "we're closed, sir". BOOM, bad anxiety/depression/crying spiral. That's literally *all* that happened. I didn't even want to go into the store! I was just killing some time. I don't know why this sent me down a dark, anxious, obsessive, depressive road so quickly. It was a horrible feeling.
Just so frustrating. I exercise every day, I sleep OK (not great, though), my diet is ok, I take a lot of vitamins. Why does my brain suck?
Does anyone get so bothered by silly, completely inconsequential things sometimes? But more importantly, I want to know if you guys have any methods of "lessening the blow" when you feel some bad feelings/anxiety coming your way. I just spiral and it gets worse by the minute. Breathing would probably be a good start! It really worries me to think of what will happen/how I will react when something actually bad happens that is a big deal.
Not the first time something like this has happened and I'm sure it wont be the last.
also I've been trying to get off paxil, which makes thing even tougher. I'm only on 5mg, which is a very low dose. Every time I have an episode like this, it makes me want to increase my dosage...maybe I should, I don't know, it's a tough choice. Higher dosages make me tired/fatigued and make it really difficult to lose weight.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm so empathic that it's literally killing me Empathy has caused me to form fake friendships where people depend on me. I can't end them and now I'm stuck. I don't have time for myself anymore.
Empathy makes me want to throw up every time my grandparents show signs of declining health, and the shame that they feel for it.
Empathy will make me lie until I hurt people because I think I'm doing it for the best
It means completely freaking out when I get to know that I DID hurt someone.
It means treading on eggshells no matter who I'm with.
Working in the health sector was the worst shit I could have ever done. I didn't want to do it at all but was forced by my parents because I needed the money. I almost killed myself on the job because the old people are suffering so much and they can't escape either.
I can't live like this anymore
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
How can I help a friend whose life seems to be spiraling? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I feel as though no one loves me, even though I know that my family really does. I can't even hold a conversation with people who truly and deeply love me. I can't even stand to look them in the eyes and tell them anything. I just listen and nod, while they wait for me to say something, but nothing ever comes out. I used to have so much to say, but now it's like my minds just blank. Why can't I even say hi or bye, without someone else initiating it? I just want to die honestly.
|
self.depression
|
I'm alone and I don't know what to do. I'm a bit drunk, sitting in a corner of a NYC bar writing this post.
To start it all, I'll try and describe my current feelings. I feel like my heart is shrinking inaide my chest, like I need to rip it out with my own hands. Im alone.
I grew up in a religious family, going to an all boys school and highschool. Im not antisocial, but I guess im a bit introverted. I started my current job almost three years ago and about six months ago I decided to stop being religious. I have plenty of people I consider friends.
My problem is Lonliness. I dont have close friends that invite me to go out, dated some girl for a month but other than that didn't date, and recetly more and more nights im laying alone at bed watching the ceiling feeling lost.
Im 21. I know its young. I know I just started being not religious and to give it some time. Im not ugly, Im not socially awkward, I have a good job. Then why do I feel like slashing my chest open? I don't know. Right now I just don't know what to do...
Sorry for the rant.
|
self.offmychest
|
I don't know what to do anymore My life has become an meaningless and emotionless vessel that wanders through life aimlessly in search of something. I used to know what I was searching for but now, I can't think of anything. I have friends but everytime I see them, it's not the same. It's not really that fun anymore. I lost all interest in things I used to be madly passionate about (video games, anime, programming, music, memes). I used to be able to log on to overwatch every night and have an amazing time even if my day felt like the worst I've ever had. Now, I'm not allowed to use sites like this and other social things like snapchat, discord, instagram by my parents for whatever reason. I've become socially awkward and struggle to talk to anyone properly outside of my few friends. I always try to talk to my friends about it but I always seem to "miss my chance". I'm not allowed to go out very much either which makes making new friends even harder now. These past few months I tried to make things and ignite new passions in things like art but nothing is working anymore. I hate it because my life could be so good yet I waste every chance I get because I don't enjoy it anymore. I've used the few video games I'm allowed to play as some sort of coping device but it made me truly realize that video games are more of a supplement to an already good life, not a base for one. My school life isn't being affected but my sanity is. I feel like if I waste any more time feeling like this I will ruin my childhood which I have been told is meant to be time. you have the most fun in your life. And, if this is the most fun time of my life, I don't want to see what's in store for me tomorrow or the day after. I'm too much of a wimp to end my life but too much of failure to get up and do something with it. So, as the title says, I don't know what to do anymore and I wish someone can help me.
|
self.depression
|
Why do i feel misunderstood in Hello r/depression, i'm a 15 year-old 9th-grader living in Copenhagen, Denmark.
I've grown up with possibly the best family relations i could ever want. I have a little sister and brother whom i care and take responsibility for, my parents love each other very much, and support whatever interests and goals i set for myself.
Growing up however, i got bullied a lot by my classmates and others. My mom told me a few years ago that i, at an early age, been diagnosed with a very mild case of aspergers syndrom, so that might be why i got bullied just for being different idk.
Anyway, the bullying got so bad, that i in 7th grade had gotten anxiety, and completely refused to talk anyone, and that i would randomly have panic attacks. In 8th grade i changed my ways, after receiving some life advice from a lot of family members. Today that anxiety that is all but gone, and i've got lots of friends and even more confidence. Self-improvement is what i'm usually all about now.
Then why do i still feel lonely? I've got friends, but i have never had "that friend" or like a "best friend". Everything is getting a lot harder, i now have 37 hours in school from monday to friday, and that's not counting all the homework we get.
Everything just goes straight through my head now, who am i friends with? when do i get a girlfriend? how i'm doing in school? etc.
I'm to busy trying to distract myself from it all with masturbation, and recently i've started to develop a smoking habit without my parents notice.
I would appreciate advice from some of you survivors out there, take care.
|
self.depression
|
I didn't know where to post this, but I figured this would be the most accepting sub. I am already committed to committing, so don't waste your time talking me out.
I need advice. I have fairly obvious self harm scars on my thighs, but my family does not know. I am killing myself on the 26th, but I need to know how I can hide these so nobody finds them. I don't need them feeling even guiltier.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Living the best life ive ever lived, yet more depressed than ever [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Help! My problem might sound a bit silly to you, but it's really bothering me! [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Hallucinogenics to treat depression? Has anyone ever tried this method and had any success with it?
|
self.depression
|
No will to live. I don't do anything anymore, don't enjoy anything, nobody speaks to me, I'm not really important to anyone, I get close to killing myself but not enough to really do it.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
SO many people are high functioning and rational, but are completely delusional in their love life.. Why is it so hard to find someone normal, and why do movies glorify romantic insanity?? I've dated the weirdest people who look good on paper. Well educated, supportive network of friends and family who can all vouch for their sanity or good character, in control of most aspects of their life (career, physique, etc).... And then they turn out to be literally crazy when you date them! And the worst part is, movies/books/shows literally ENCOURAGE this nonsense!!
I wouldn't say I'm *not* romantic, but.. You can't live or breathe or function with this person? Or, you have this urge to cheat immediately in every relationship? Or, you have revenge sex with people? Or, you think it's acceptable to literally stalk someone because you love them? Like, literally flying cross-country and showing up on their door after a breakup? Or, you hold them emotionally hostage by saying you're solely responsible for their happiness? Or literally thinking there is only ONE person in the world for you, so you idolize them obsessively? Or maybe it's the opposite--you treat everyone else in your life with respect, but you're a complete monster to the person you're dating.
I've seen people who are otherwise very reasonable, logical, respectful, kind, etc, do INSANE things to the people they're romantically involved with. It blows my mind how people can be so different to their girlfriend/boyfriend, and not even their parents or best friends would know. And worse--that literal insanity is basically permissible when it's related to romance in some way. It's just mind boggling.
|
self.offmychest
|
I don’t understand Why we are forced to stay alive. If we are always hurting, always sad, always lost or alone wouldn’t it be kinder to let us go?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Waiting for the weekend There’s nothing left that will ever make me happy. I’ve been struggling for years and the last six months I have done nothing of value. I want to end it this weekend.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
question on antidepressant based mania Hey BPReddit. long time no see.
things have been okay, until they haven't. I had issues with severe depression where nothing was really helping. my doc decided it would be best to switch me back to zoloft (which causes some daytime hypomania)
yep, still happens and I love that it happens. but it only works for about 13 hrs. then it becomes a night of obsessive compulsions and pain.
I am just asking if this is an okay thing or should I be really concerned, and if concerned, what should I watch out for?
|
self.bipolar
|
Forgetting to talk to people Hi, I used to be a lurker on this sub for about five months on an old account. I wanted to post this to ask if anyone else has been feeling anxious about talking to people and actively avoiding texting friends. I've been an anxious person for most of my life, but it's not really gotten to the point where I don't want to communicate with people I hang out with. I keep getting messages from friends, and I want to talk to them, but I've had a lot of bad experiences talking to some people I didn't know were toxic until the damage was already done. Usually these new people I talk to just tell me about their problems and then don't talk to me for days on end, getting worried when I don't respond, and forgetting about it in real life. All I would like is to have someone I can hang out with and talk to about music or space or dogs or our studies. I don't care about political beliefs or certain opinions or skin colour or race or age I just want a friend. I feel like these bad experiences I've had with making friends are going to make me be a social outcast forever. I feel like I'm isolating myself from the real people who want to talk to me. I'm just too afraid to respond because what if they tell me they're not interested in talking to me anymore, or something catastrophic occurred. I don't know what to do, I've dealt with anxious feelings and read stuff on how to cope with anxiety, but it hasn't helped too much. I am going to a professional for this issue, and take medicine to help me get through the day without being more anxious than usual, I thought this would be relevant information. I have brought this up with the doctor, and don't have an appointment until Wednesday (I think). I'm posting this here to ask if anyone else has felt this way (I think I said this at the beginning, but oh well), and what to do with these feelings. Thank you for reading this.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I have plans to kill myself My life is ruined beyond repair. If things are bad for you don’t wait to get help. I never got help. If you have friends don’t ignore them or avoid them. You’ll lose them without work and they’re very precious. I haven’t had a friend to talk to for 7 years now because I didn’t put in any work. Your family might give up on you if you give up. It hurts them to see you suffer and fail. None of my family can stand to be around me anymore. Don’t have children or get married to someone if you can’t take care of yourself. I’ve caused a lot of pain to good people and I’m going to cause more. Once I’m gone they’ll have a chance to be happy. I’m not going to make it.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Life is like a whirlpool. I know what its like out of it just cannot fight getting sucked in fast enough. First time ever discussing this and quite frankly inspired after reading so many other posts here. The following is non drafted so its going to be a vomit of words likely making no sense or having no purpose.
Im in my 30s a dad of small kids, Ok job and wife. I try very hard and i learned over many years how to read faces and act accordingly but life for me is in the 3rd person like i'm watching a movie. My kids truly make me happy, My wife can make me happy but often she gets angry at me which is very much my fault. When im tired its harder to keep up the correct responses and facial expressions so I might look distant, she also gets angry that i enjoy comedy but havent laughed in years and i can make it worse by putting in a well placed chuckle. To me it sounds good but im told its clear its fake. My latest problem sucking me deeper is I tend to stutter when speaking to my wife and i try so hard not to but its there. The kids all under ten are amazing and will often see this and take over the conversation when im struggling to say the correct words. My health is bad i only sleep a couple of hours a night and i know i can never leave this whirlpool and know im writing this out of context but want to just get the strength something to grab onto a bit and catch my breath. Does that make any sense? ramblings of a mad man i fear.
|
self.depression
|
Deleted messenger and deactivated Facebook account. Not that it matters, nobody would text me or look for me anyway. So might as well free up some space to download a couple of games.
Sick of everything and all the pointless/stupid chit-chatting or seeing how other people have fun, go places, be together with their significant other, meeting people, doing things. It just makes me think "what have I achieved?" The answer is almost always "absolutely fucking nothing" and when it's not it's all negative stuff. It hurts to see other people enjoy life, it hurts to be told by someone they're there for you but don't text or talk to you for weeks, it hurts to be lonely and knowing you'll die that way as well, it hurts getting out of bed and trying to convince yourself not to commit suicide.
|
self.depression
|
Issues with waking up every morning I [F22] am a grad student living abroad and I have been having some serious issues with getting up everyday. I have depression and some mornings I am able to get moving and go to classes but other times it feels like I can't even turn my head to turn off the alarm.
Has anyone found anything that has helped their motivation to get out of bed each morning? Maybe a way to help formulate a routine or tips they use? I want to get back to a point that I can just show up most days, because right now it's 50/50. Thanks!
|
self.depression
|
Painful legs and dizziness for a week- i want my life back! [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
i gave up on basically everything months ago, i’m just not dead yet hey, for the time that i’m still on this earth i would like to talk to someone, i’m suicidal all the time and i’m going to die soon and i’m worried what will happen after my death. i will be grateful for at least one person to respond x
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Anyone able to talk? It’s 2:22 am and just seems as if my eyes and mind won’t shut off. I’m only slowly falling tired but my head still is full with thoughts.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Happy New Year Probably no one will care about this post but, I hope everyone gets better this year, or improved, if anything. Remember, as long as you're still alive, you can always get better, but once your gone, your gone. Don't even tell me nothing will improve, because even a loser like me, who's gone through as much as you all have and knows how you're all feeling, has gotten at least a little better. Just remember that nothing is impossible. So keep it going friends, I care about you.
Cheers to a better year,
u/Gizzardse1
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
It all just keeps getting worse I am useless. I can't finish the last paper I have for school and the semesters almost at an end. Met yet another guy who's happy to act like we're dating but won't actually date me. I feel so worthless and unloveable. I lash out at everyone. I say incredibly idiotic shit all the time.
I'm fat and ugly af.
I hate absolutely everything about myself.
I'm meeting a guy to by some Oxys tonight.... I think once I have them it'll be easy to just act impulsively
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I’m confused One minute I remember my cat being dead and the next I don’t know where she is as though I’m denying the fact that she’s dead. I woke up this morning and I told my mom that I didn’t know where she was. Of course, she didn’t believe me. Even though I was crying hysterically, she chose not to believe it. Has anyone else experienced this? I feel alone and I don’t know what to do.
|
self.depression
|
Abilify maintena not covered by insurance? Advice please. Hello. I am trying to help a friend who has issues with regularly taking pills and therefore never manages to take them long enough for them to start working. Remembers a few days here and there only.
I found out about ability maintena but it’s very expensive and insurance doesn’t cover it. Have the most expensive “platinum coverage” health insurance plan here in California.
Do your insurance providers cover it? Did you have to go through a special process to get it covered?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
He can’t afford $2000 per injection, but really needs a monthly treatment since daily pill use has failed for years.
|
self.bipolar
|
Life is boring Life as I live slowly gets more and more sad and depressing im 14 and I stopped going to school because I've been so depressed, I know, "you're just a stupid teen, grow up", "you'll overcome this eventually you're going through puberty". I've been depressed for a while, I have no diagnosis but i can feel it. Nothing amuses me now. To be honest, I go here to give myself a motive to live from the depressing and miserable people that post here, I'm sorry but I am now one of them. I want to die. I stopped going to school about a week ago, I don't care what happens to my grades or the consequences, I've grown to realise that my life is miserable. I live with a drunk mother and a stupid step father who I don't even consider family because of how ignorant this disgusting human is. Then I have a father that has overcome a heroin addiction who has no job and a kid, he's in love with a junkie and he's stupid for that, I know my family loves me a lot but I don't love me, I don't accept myself to be loved. I hate my Life. Some may call me ungrateful, I say I don't care what you say. I don't even know what I'm doing here...im just bored and I need something to do. I'm considering commiting suicide in the future, but if only if there were a method that has no pain. Who ever reads this I'm wasting your time. This is just what's on my mind there is no goal of writing this, I just want to put my mind on the web. I'm a mess really, I have social issues I can't socialize correctly, and everything is boring. I need help but don't know how to confront my parents about my problems.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I can’t stop fucking up. I just can’t, I can’t do anything but hurt the people I care for and fuck up. I hate that I’m like this.
|
self.depression
|
I need help I'm fully ready and asking for help, I'm screaming for it. I'm incapable of doing anything, everything is so fucking hard. I can't feed myself or wash myself or go to sleep or wake up or do work or go outside everything is so hard. Why is it so hard to get help? I'm rotting away here while everyone else goes about their lives. I have people who care about me but there's nothing they can do, they already try their best with me.
Looking for therapy is so hard when you're depressed, it blows my mind that the system wasn't built with that in mind. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
|
self.depression
|
Oh boy I can't act straight rn i feel... jarred Today was my second first day of gym(first time 2 months ago gym session was stopped due to an unintended 4month break).
[16M]Background:
**1:** im underweight AF, and when I checked my weight today, i am even lighter than what I used to be 6 months ago :/ I might have an eating disorder, but I could also have depression because my motivation is kind of lacking these day.
**2:** l've been crushing really hard on this one dude at my school for a 1.5years now, I am kind of sick of all the stomach butterflies tbqh. \>mfw about a month ago I have discovered that he joined the same gym I go to
So naturally, I got some pretty decent butterflies on my gym session today(despite me not actually seeing him). Not the best first day. And now i am hungry, light headed and can't act too straight.
I need some rest...
P.S: I have been suffering from mild depression a few months ago for some time. But now I feel better. Although the depression symptoms like low appitite and lack of motivation ia still there. I feel happy generally tho[.](https://i.imgur.com/dApzqIg.jpg) Should I check a doctor to see if I have an eating disorder ?
|
self.offmychest
|
Does your Anxiety Ever Just Leave You Exhausted? Today was a busy day for me and my anxiety followed me like a shadow. I am home safe and sound but I just feel like I went 3 rounds with Mike Tyson.
|
self.Anxiety
|
An elegant way to keep track of risks in every day life wealth, health, relationships, career decisions/choices often make me stop and wonder...*what if?* This uncertainty causes anxiety, paralyses decision making, triggers endless rumination, insomnia, and often gets me stuck. Different people have different needs of closure, of course. But for those of us who like to know, to measure risk, or to know what we are risking before doing something, anything, I have found [this resource] (https://riskfactor.ca/app) incredibly useful especially in every day life. You can navigate through thousands of acitivities, tap on the thing you are about to do and it will show you how risky it is overall and specific risks as well. I'm not saying it removes risk from the equation, but I've realised most of the time anxiety is caused not because we are afraid to take risks but because of our fear of *unknown risks*. I have been using this for a couple of days, for really simple stuff, and I love how it has improved my flow. I know that *I know*, I decide and move on. Hope it helps other minimalists!
|
self.Anxiety
|
Does lithium get better with time? Cause I don’t feel like doing anything! I’m on 1200mg of lithium and it makes me feel like I’m not good at all. No passion. No desire. I just suck. What is painful is I do not have bipolar symptoms to worry about that this is currently treating, they want me on this as maintenance medicine for my episode that I get in the fall or winter. Should I try another medicine?
|
self.bipolar
|
I am so stressed I can't sleep I accepted a job offer last Thursday and signed a lease on the same day. I filled out my hiring paperwork (not an offer letter) on Friday and sent it in. I was told to email the lady who hired me when I did so, and I did, and have yet to hear back from her.
I called at 3:30 today to ask what I needed to bring for my first day on Monday, and got her voicemail. She didn't call me back before the end of the work day. The girl I'm replacing has her last day tomorrow, so maybe she is just busy with that?
I am worried because I took over 24 hours to fill out the paperwork, and might have worded something a little strongly when I sent it in (she told me to double check the instructions; I sent back that the first instruction says so-and-so. But I figured it out. Too smart-assy?) That made her think she made a mistake in hiring me.
This is a lady who sought me out specifically after I applied to a job I was overqualified for months ago. This job would mean everything to me. I have already signed a lease on a new apartment and told my graduate director. My family is bursting with pride over me. I quit my other job in anticipation because the start date was so soon. (I have 2.5 days left at my current job)
I am terrified that I pissed her off and she will email me or call me to say she made a mistake and rescind the offer, after it was 100% that I had it. I can't sleep. I went to bed at 9 and it's now 1, and i cannot sleep and can't shut my brain down.
How do i stop overthinking? How can I stop myself from worrying over this? My mom and my boyfriend have both told me that I am worrying over nothing. I know I probably am but I am still terrified. I dont know what to do.
Please help.
|
self.Anxiety
|
DDLC and the straw that broke the camel's back [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Im gonna do it today
I don’t know why I’m writing this here. I guess it feels good to have someone listen. I’m going to kill myself. I’m almost certain of that. And I’m sorry. I’m broken.
I don’t think I’m looking to be talked out of it, i don’t know what I’m looking for. Maybe just to explain it and to have someone understand. Maybe. I’ve never really told anyone about my life and even writing this I feel like I shouldn’t. But I’m gonna die soon so what the heck?
I’m a 19 year old girl. I’m pretty isolated. I’ve been sick for about a year and a half and recently got diagnosed with POTS. There’s no cure and my quality of life is zero. I’m in pain every day. I get dizzy, bad vision, shaky, cold, lightheaded, weak, fatigued, and confused. It gets worse when I stand up and move around. I can’t go for a walk, I can’t drive, I can’t read or focus. I don’t think I’ll get better, lots of people don’t. It’s a scary condition. I’m scared.
Before I got sick I was an athlete. I was nationally ranked and had a full D1 scholarship early in high school. I traveled the country on a national team. It was pretty cool. At that time (16 years old), I had already moved out of my home (I grew up in a home with a severely mentally ill mother and an absent father. It was a pretty abusive situation that I don’t like to revisit.). I lived out of my car and on teammate’s couches. What kept me going was my sport and my coaches who took me under their wing. I looked up to them as parental figures. I called one “mom”. I spent Christmas with her and her family. She sexually abused me when I was 18. I didn’t see it coming. I still wonder if it’s my fault. After the assault, she ruined my reputation with my friends and coaches, by saying I made it up. None of them will talk to me. I feel stupid for missing her, but I really do.
Getting sick was the last straw. I was barely treading water when I was healthy. But I have no reason to live now. I’m watching my old teammates compete in the olympics this week and I can’t even go for a walk anymore. I don’t have any friends or family. I don’t know how to be an adult or a woman. I need a parent. I had one.. My sexual life is ruined due to my coach assaulting me (PTSD). I’m in physical pain everyday. I’m so hurt and angry and sad. I hate myself. I’m a fucking freak. I have no future. Things are only going to get worse. I just want to be healthy. My life is already over. My 20th birthday is coming up and I just want to end my suffering. So I think I will. And that feels pretty good.
Sorry you had to read this. Sorry if this was hard to follow. I would have preferred to write it better, but I can’t focus well or see well. Thanks for your time and kindness. I appreciate it. I think it’s my time to go. It is what it is. Thanks again.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Lamictal and elusive feelings? The brief precursor info is that I was started on Lamictal a few months ago for suspected bipolar 2. I am now on 200mg/day and thought it a fairy godmother for making my anxiety and insomnia all but disappear. I still have depressive episodes but they are much easier to get myself out of.
The one constant factor that has kept me alive through the absolute clusterfuck that the past year has been has been my boyfriend. He is absolutely incredible; ridiculously supportive, observant, intelligent, insightful, I could go on forever waxing lyrical about this man. This weekend I got hit by a severely depressive episode with suicidal thoughts on Saturday. Normally all I want when this happens is to be with him. But once I was with him all I wanted was to get away. My feelings for him were... Not gone, but desperately weakened. And I hated myself because as I left he was still being an absolute sweetheart despite me being an inarticulate mess.
This has happened to me in previous relationships, particularly when I got depressed, but when it did I usually had a reason to pin it to and knew they weren't right for me anyway. This guy... I want to be with him forever, and I have never experienced a mysterious loss of feelings for him in any state before now. The only thing that has actually changed is the Lamictal. I know it might seem stupid to immediately suspect the thing that's been making life livable again but I have learned the hard way how some drugs completely alter the way you think and respond to things.
I guess what I'm asking is has anyone had an experience like this? I feel scared and lost and alone and I would really love to hear anyone's experiences.
|
self.bipolar
|
Anyone else have imposter syndrome when it comes to their depression? I usually see stories on Reddit about people with severe cases of depression; they talk about how hard it is to do anything or how they can't get out of bed for hours, or how they are in constant agony. And I always feel like shit when reading these stories because my mild-moderate depression seems so trivial by comparison.
I always doubt the severity of my depression as a result, despite the fact that I usually have suicidal thoughts and my self esteem is destroyed. My depression is something that Comes and goes so that makes it seem even more trivial.
It's kind of like how you dwell over your own problems and then you see a UNICEF commercial with starving African children. Your problems suddenly seem very tame in comparison and you feel like you have no right to feel sad.
PS: I just want to make it clear that I'm not placing the blame on those who are battling severe depression. They are going through a lot of shit and I'd never try to demean them. I'm placing the blame solely on myself and the way my stupid brain works.
|
self.depression
|
First ever post not too sure how this works [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Everything fucking sucks Everything fucking sucks. I got a new boss who's an asshole. My relationship with my girlfriend has been going downhill for a while. I love her but I can't remember the last time I felt like I was in love with her if that makes sense. She's been feeling the same way, and I'm not sure we'll make it through this.
Most of the time I just feel numb. Just nothing except the occasional sadness. I keep telling myself things will get better, that I'll get used to my new boss, my girlfriend and I will make it through our rough patch, I'll eventually feel happy and so on, but there's a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that I'm just lying to myself.
I've been drinking a lot more lately as well. Never at work, and not every day, but still a lot more than I should. It's the only time I feel good.
I'm just so fucking sick of everything. I don't feel good. About myself, the world or anything really. Not really sure why I'm posting this. Guess I just needed to vent.
|
self.offmychest
|
Stopping escitalopram Im stopping taking my escitalopram I've spoken to my gp who said take it on alt days for a week then stop, which I've done.
It's been a few days with no tablets and I'm starting to get some withdrawal side effects, electric shock type sensations, wobbly legs. I'm feeling a bit more irritable and easily stressed, just wondering if anyone on here has stopped these meds and can give me some idea how long i should expect to feel like this for. I was on them for quite a while over a year or two! I was on sertraline before these but they stopped working.
Prior to stopping I felt absolutely fine, minimal mood swings I'm stopping them as we are hoping to have kids next year and these meds are dangerous for fetuses! Trying to focus on the positives and power on through it!
|
self.depression
|
How do I get my mind off of my anxiety? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm jumping to my death To whom who may read this, I want to say goodbye. I hope you can find some joy in your life. I hope that you get want to want, I hope you achieve your goals.
I'm just tired of everything now, same shit everyday. I'm sort of scared because I don't know what to expect. I've only been on this planet 18 years and I haven't had any joy in my life. It's the final straw. I'm gonna jump from a local multi-story car park here in the UK.
Congrats to everyone that shit on me in my life, you have won.
Bye...
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Mental Illness I’ve known there was something wrong with my mental health for a long time, my family moved could see it, friends could see it, but I was in denial and always assured them that I was fine, everything was fine. I didn’t want to be a “depressed millennial” like so many others.
Where do I begin?
I guess I have what most people would call “social anxiety”. It’s incredibly difficult for me to be in social situations without a friend there to be my anchor. In my college, I routinely take the long way to class in order to avoid large groups of people. “They’re looking at you”. “They’re judging you”. “They’re laughing at you behind your back”. It seems silly buttress are some of the things that seem the most important to my mind when I’m out in public. I quit a retail job after 3 days because I felt like my co-workers were talking about me behind my back.
Aside from what I assume is social anxiety, I also appear to be suffering OCD, but mentally(?). No matter how hard I try I just can’t stop the intrusive thoughts. I use to be spiritual and while praying the thought “I love Satan” would pop into my head even though it’s far from the truth. There are thoughts that make me thing that my brother or my dad is going to die today, and as a result I usually become crippled with fear and worry, always calling to make sure they’re okay. Even after they reassure me that they’re fine the thoughts come back. The thoughts even make me question my sexually, which is inane because I don’t have the desire to be with a man; “you might be gay/bisexual but you just don’t know it” my mind keeps telling me. Lately that’s the thought that’s been the most active in my mind.
It gets even better for me because I also have extremely low self esteem which has sent me down a path of what I assume (but I hope isn’t) depression. For the better part of the last 3 years I’ve been hating everything about myself. My face, my body, my personality and my fricking brain. On days I’m not forced to do anything I usually just contemplate suicide, or fantasize about what it would be like to be someone good looking that everybody loved, what it would be like to just be normal. Although I should probably mention that there are random times when I feel a surge of confidence and am able to go out in public on my own, and not care if people look my way, not care if I hear laughter and won’t assume that I’m the cause of the laughter. My mind stops overthinking and I can just relax and be happy...but those moments are becoming more and more rare.
My brother said to me the other day, “I don’t think you fit in this world”, and the fact that I agreed with him made me realize that I need help from a professional, because I don’t want to end my life but right now I feel like that’s the only way to have peace of mind.
I can’t see myself ever getting better, but I’m willing to give it a shot and Yale things a day at a time until I can’t keep going anymore.
|
self.offmychest
|
Work Just standing here and I can't help but feel empty.
|
self.depression
|
Umm hi I'm sort of at the end of my chain. I don't need supportive posts about how life is worth it. I'm not going through a phase. I've been barely avoiding ending everything for 7 years, and it gets harder by the day. This is just a last shot at maybe....I don't even know what. But I don't need cheering up. I don't know what I need, and if I did, I would not be here.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Anyone else loose a palpable sense of reality and everything feels like a dream? Everything around me is just fading and it feels like soon I'm going to be the only thing that exists floating around in an endless nothing.
|
self.depression
|
Seeking advice on how to support partner with education/Career-related anxiety issues and depression without burning myself out? *First, let me apologize for the crazy wall of text this happened to become. This is pretty much all I think about from when I wake up in the morning to when I go to bed at night so I guess I just had a lot to say. And, if this isn't the right place to post this or if anyone has any tips on other subreddits/support groups/whatever where I could post this I would be immensely grateful. Also, using a throwaway account for this.*
I have an amazing partner, who is genuinely caring, curious, intelligent and funny. He's been battling depression/anxiety (diagnosed with GAD at some point but don't really know exactly when) for many years, since long before we met, and the central topic which he worries about is what education suits him the best and what he should do for a career.
We met in university, both studying a subject which is generally regarded as a mix between technological and artistic, although our particular university leaned a bit more heavily towards the artistic. (I suppose it's not too difficult to guess what we're studying but trying to omit some personal info). I'm in my mid-20's, he's in his early 30's, but in our home country and in this field it's not at all too uncommon to start university in your late 20's (which he did).
Before starting this degree, my boyfriend had studied many different subjects and worked in a couple of different fields, although never actually finishing a degree (except from a shorter vocational school for a creative profession which he worked rather successfully in for a couple of years before going back to university after a series of difficult personal tragedies). The topics he has studied vary from medicine to engineering. I think this is the fifth educational path he has embarked upon, albeit a couple of the other ones were rather short-lived. He has been studying the subject he's currently not too far from a Master's degree in for four years now, potentially finishing his degree next summer. He is studying at an internationally renowned university, is excelling in his class and getting noticed by both teachers and peers since he's a fast learner, familiar with many of the concepts they are studying and generally has a good work ethic.
I've never met a person who is as curious and genuinely interested in a range of topics as he is; that is one of the traits I first remember noticing him for and it's something I really really admire him for. I have so many friends and acquaintances who couldn't care less about what they're doing, not having any real passions that they want to pursue as careers and settling for an easy job with OK pay (which is ABSOLUTELY FINE to me). However, his idea of how perfect a job/career/education should feel is in my, his family's and several therapists' view an enormous source of anxiety.
There are pros and cons with all lines of work; objectively, being an MD pays better than working in the field he's currently pursuing, but from what he (and his family) has told me he really despised the studies and I don't even think he pictures himself enjoying his work if that would be his career choice. However, if he was just considering going back to medicine it would be one thing. When anxious, my boyfriend jumps from one idea to another regarding what would be the "ultimate job" for him; he's VERY easily triggered by external sources such as social media, movies or podcasts. Watched "Wolf of Wall Street"? Cue at least an evening of anxiety, thinking that he definitely must become a hedge fund manager or something like that. See a picture of an old classmate from medical school with their family? Suddenly, doctors are the only people who can afford to raise a family or have a happy, balanced life. Elon Musk launches a car into space? Hours of googling Tesla and Elon Musk, beating himself up over the fact that he's not achieving the same thing. He also definitely has moments, days, even weeks where he believes in the field he's pursuing - particularly when working on something that he finds stimulating. His curiosity, speed at which he's picking things up and how rewarding it seems to feel for him when he's actively working on an interesting project in my eyes justifiy that this career path is more than good enough. On the contrary, when faced with more menial, boring tasks he quickly feels despair and seems to blame the profession/education for why he's feeling bad.
Since he's been more or less anxious and depressed throughout studying his current field, he sometimes gets the idea that it's this field that's making him depressed; if he would just get to "use his brain more" and not have to think about anything creative life would get better. Or, the pay may be too low in this field, so if he would just switch to something else he would feel more like a responsible adult and "get back on track" (the career he's currently heading towards doesn't have an extremely high salary, but far above average, and adding that he's enormously fortunate when it comes to family finances money really isn't an issue - we've done the math several times, there is simply nothing to worry about). Some days, he just says that what's most important for him is being to able to provide for me and a future family, have a nice house and a good work-life balance - I can not grasp how he can't see that it's totally possible, no, probable that the future has that in hold for him, without changing his career once again. Furthermore, if he were to change his career - what is to say that he wouldn't regret it yet again? The grass always seems to be greener on the other side.
Jumping between topics spanning money, status, work-life balance, social responsibility, "using his full potential" and much more, many days are a big struggle for him. He often seeks confirmation from me to reassure him that he's good enough, smart enough, that he could get through medical school or a STEM major if he wanted to. When I think that we've talked things through, tried to logically look at pros and cons for different careers, looked at hard numbers to counter-prove that no, he won't be homeless and dirt poor just because he doesn't change his career path, he always, ALWAYS, relapses, seeming to have an extremely hard time to fully accept the fact that the problem isn't his career - it's that he just doesn't believe that whatever he happens to be doing at the moment could be good enough, that he's beating himself up over things he isn't doing instead of seeing how great the things he's doing right now are. I simply cannot imagine a future where he changed career paths once again, got to do some more linear algebra and suddenly WHOOSH - depression gone. The problem lies somewhere else.
I've heard his mother talk to him about this, sharing my perspective, as well as his siblings and several therapists. We went to his previous therapist together, his therapist agreed with me and we tried to formulate coping methods for the both of us to make life easier and to work with the anxiety, but my boyfriend is having an extremely hard time accepting what he should be working on (loving himself no matter what he does for a living, and seeing that there's more to life than trying to achieve impossible perfection) and keeps seeing his education as the problem. I don't think he fully understands it himself.
I've tried everything that I could think of, from rational arguments to trying to ignore him when he's blurting out new careers that he should be pursuing or seeking confirmation from me. Sometimes things work, sometimes they don't, but recently I've become more and more sensitive to what he's saying, often resulting in me not being able to hide my tears when he brings the subject up. I feel terrible for reacting as strongly as I have been recently, but in my mind, all I can think about when he brings something related to this up yet again is "is this it? Will he never be free from this? Will I have to endure this worrying for the rest of my life or am I going to give up eventually?". It makes me so sad and scared. I love him so much and he's a wonderful person, but I need to find a way to step back or cope with this in some way so it doesn't consume me. Does anyone have advice or experience regarding issues like these - either from my perspective or his? Any tips on how to not to accidentally fuel the flames of anxiety even more when I'm doing the best I can to help? And how should I... not be so sad when he's down? I feel terrible for sometimes bursting out in tears when he's said something or I've asked too many questions.
To make matters a little worse, we're currently living abroad, very far from friends and family and with no real close friends here, just acquaintances at school/work. I'm getting support from my mother, who knows about all of this, but there's only so much she can do over Skype. He's taking medication and is doing online therapy. Therapy is notoriously expensive where we are and finding reliable, English-speaking therapists isn't the easiest thing to do, otherwise I would definitely consider finding a therapist for myself to get more support in life. I'm not sure what I should do at this point. I try to not encourage his behavior, but it's extremely difficult to ignore someone you love when they seek affirmation (when I know that me saying "yes, of course you could be a doctor" only makes matters worse, not better).
**TLDR: Partner worries incessantly whether he has chosen the right career path or not. Does anyone have any tips on how to best cope with a partner's relentless worrying, especially in a fairly isolated situation as we're living together abroad, without many friends and far from family?**
|
self.Anxiety
|
Claustrophobia Lately I’ve been feeling very claustrophobic. Yesterday I was in the car with my boyfriend and started feeling it, I began screaming and scratching at my own face leaving marks until he stopped the car and let me out. Once I was out I felt like a weight had been pulled off of me. Also when I came home after and tried to shower I immediately felt trapped and shut off the water and began shaking until I opened the curtain. Does anyone know why this sudden spell is happening so severe? I am very afraid of flying also because of that fact but have been on an airplane 3 times with no incident. Can anyone tell me there ways of getting over it, or calming yourself down in the moment?
|
self.Anxiety
|
It hurts to exist. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal. I'm far too cowardly to actually kill myself. I'm just tired of existing. I just wish there was some way I could just stop existing, without actually having to kill myself. I'm sad all the time, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of pretending to be okay, because if I don't then I get accused of attention seeking. I can't stand being alive anymore. I'm tired, mentally and physically, and I don't know how to handle it anymore.
Edit: Thank you so much to everyone who commented with advice and offers to listen. It means so much to me and, I'm sure, so many others who feel the same way. To all those who commented saying they relate and talking about feeling suicidal, I'm not a certified therapist, but I'm willing to listen if you want to talk about it. I'm just a PM away to anyone who wants to talk. I'll listen. Thank you all for making me feel less alone, and slightly more normal for a while.
|
self.depression
|
I've decided. I've decided to save up for a gun just to have so whenever I completely break and know that there's nothing there in this life. I'll have my escape.. I don't know when it'll happen. Maybe I can hold on for a few more years or I'll break when I get it. I'm just so tired of this feeling.. I'm so tired of not being able to be happy. I'm so tired of trying my best to get to the point where I think I'll be okay to end up finding out that it was just a short moment that doesn't even last a day. I'll probably last a couple more years though cos I know I'm still afraid of dying and always some glimmer of light I get. But I know it'll be a disappointment. I'm sorry.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Does anyone enjoy mundane things while manic? I haven’t been formally diagnosed, but I strongly suspect I am bipolar and I’ll be talking to someone about it soon. That being said, I wanted to know if anyone who has been diagnosed can relate to what I’m experiencing. During the times that I think I’m manic, I enjoy things that are usually considered mundane. For example, the other day I was sitting in class, actually having fun. It was a weird feeling, I was getting the same level of enjoyment as if I was sitting there playing a video game or watching a movie.
|
self.bipolar
|
How to calm hypersexuality and over eating during hypomania? I think I had too much caffeine recently and tipped into hypomania. I want to eat and fuck everything all the time. How do I wind down these two symptoms?
|
self.bipolar
|
Ive gone from waking up next to the love of my life for 4 years, to being left alone and forgetting the sound of my own voice by monday morning - all in the space of about a week and i hate it. Everything beautiful in this world seems so drained. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
You ruined my life I remember waking up the first time you were inside of me. I trusted you. I told you. all about my family, my problems, my insecurities. I let you be a part of my life. That was my fault. I let you get to me. We had sex before, but it was only because you pushed me to say yes. It was consensual. This was not consensual. I remember laying there feeling helpless. I didn't say anything because I was scared. After that night, you kept asking why I wasn't staying the night anymore. You got angry when I didn't. You became violent and wanted me for my body. I use to stay awake when we were in the same bed together because i couldn't sleep. I had nightmares about you touching me. Having sex and giving blowjobs became a chore, not a choice. This went on for months, until I finally left you.
Now I'm with another man and I can't even think of anything intimate happening between us because of you. I freak out when anyone touches me, I am scared to give blowjobs, and sex will be impossible.
I hope you're happy, because I'm laying in bed crying about what you did. I can't get you out of my head. I still feel your body on me sometimes at night. I hate you.
|
self.offmychest
|
I (21F) hooked up with friend (21F) and accidentally helped her cheat TL;DR I accidentally helped my close friend cheat on her boyfriend and now I don't want to stop
I feel so incredibly guilty. I am lesbian, and my friend is straight, but has been telling me lately she really wants to try hooking up with a woman for the first time. Initially I was just helping her work up the courage to flirt with girls at parties or in class, but about a week ago things got confusing and we ended up having sex.
Before we hooked up, she told me that her boyfriend was encouraging her to try sleeping with women, and so I didn't feel bad and was mostly excited, because I've been attracted to her for a while. We've hooked up a couple of times since then, but when I made a joke about her boyfriend being excited to hear about what she was up to, she panicked and made me promise to never tell him and that he actually definitely wasn't okay with this. Now I feel guilty- I didn't know that she would be cheating when we slept together, but I did remember the conversations we'd had a few months ago when she mentioned her boyfriend was initially hesitant to let her experiment. I'm worried I let myself think it was okay when it actually wasn't so that we could hook up.
Now I feel bad because she still wants to continue sleeping together, and I know I shouldn't want to- but when she kisses me I forget about everything and end up feeling horrible afterwards. I don't want to hurt her, because when we talked about her boyfriend she really seems to think because he hypothetically gave permission a few months back it's okay to do this now, but I've met her boyfriend (we have some classes together and run in the same social circles) and I like him, so I don't want to hurt him.
It's hard, because I remember struggling with my sexuality before I came out, and I don't want her to feel like it's wrong to experiment with women or shut down any experimentation with other women in the future- and since I'm not there when she talks with her boyfriend, maybe I am just getting the wrong idea. Plus, I would be lying if I said I haven't had a little crush about her since we moved in together last year.
I feel so shitty. I feel even shittier because I know I shouldn't want to see her anymore, but we live in the same house, so just cutting things off could both be hurtful and could make the next year very uncomfortable if it doesn't go well. I feel like the absolute worst for continuing to hook up once I knew her boyfriend wasn't going to know about us. I feel used for becoming the other woman without knowing about us. I'm embarrassed because other people already know about us. I don't know what to do.
|
self.offmychest
|
Learning ancient history is making me angry I've recently taken up learning about ancient history as it's a topic I've always been interested in. I'm especially interested in the history of ancient Mesopotamia and the more I read about it, the more upset I get about the whole situation in the Middle-east. Here we have the very people whose remarkably rich and diverse culture has greatly influenced Western civilisation as we know it and, in the 20th century no less, are being subjected to needless violence and oppression. The people there are as much a part of their history as the ruins of the cities and temples their ancestors left which, like them, are being destroyed and reduced to ash. It's heartbreaking to think that we might not be able to celebrate so many facets of their culture and history because of greed and toxic ideologies. I truly hope that one day they find peace.
|
self.offmychest
|
I'm starting Therapy tomorrow and I'm terrified I hate talking about everything with other people, but idk if I'll be able to even speak to a random stranger. I know it helps people and that's the only reason I'm going, but I have no idea what I'm going to end up doing. This has already been a really really rough week to get through, and I can already tell tomorrow is going to be worse
|
self.depression
|
Had my first therapy appointment in two years today.. Came in for \(what I figured was\) anxiety, and by the end of the appointment she said,
"I don't think you're anxious. You're really sad."
Wake up call for sure. Has anyone had something similar happen?
|
self.depression
|
Forgiveness Have you forgiven someone who’s done the unforgivable? Has it worked for you?
I’ve excommunicated everyone who’s committed a serious offense against me by default, but they always stalk me this time of year like clockwork. Every Christmas it’s the same old narcissistic sob story, “I’ve changed”. Indeed, you’ve changed who you abuse now.
So I’ve been finished with compulsive liars for years, if they want forgiveness so bad get religion. Don’t grovel at the feet of those you’ve wronged for personal gain. If anything, that too will make people more depressed.
|
self.depression
|
I should get an award each time I get out of bed The mental and physical bullshit I have to go through to do this and not get kicked out of school is just fucking outstanding
|
self.depression
|
What Happened I think what happened to me is that my very emotions themselves died, my empathy itself. I had so much emotional pain from the warzone that was my marriage, I just didn't know how to handle it, how to cope. So I did the only thing I could, I went into hiding.
In hiding, I still couldn't handle the emotional pain. The very thought of dealing with my scary, dark, ominous, and all encompassing, emotional strife seemed like suicide, in and of itself (my emotional pain WAS my identity). So I kept it bottled... tighter, and tighter, as in vain I desperately sought to distract myself from the turmoil within, by seeking emotional releases from the exterior world. This inevitably proved my downfall. A human CANNOT, under any circumstance, afford to neglect their emotional well-being.
I believe a human has many different components that make up their existence. I believe that these components are all tied together and have relationships with each other (a society of yourself). They positively and negatively impact each other in many expected as well as unexpected ways. So if one component is suffering, the others try to make up for it the best they can. Therefore if one component is suffering CONSTANTLY, the entire system becomes overworked CONSTANTLY.
(Looking back on this, I am honestly amazed at how far along I went in isolation before completely breaking down).
If one part of you already feels dead (my emotional core, my empathy), then feeling as if the rest of yourself is "also not wanting to be around" isn't too far around the corner. It's a stone's throw really. Too much isolation is extremely dangerous for the human who is already off balance.
"The reality is I just needed someone to talk to about how much I felt like my marriage had harmed me", and in this society I felt like I wasn't "supposed" to show my pain, not even to myself. So I kept swallowing it every day. I kept telling myself that I wasn't "really" feeling emotionally hurt by the events surrounding my marriage, but rather, I resorted to the barren and cold comfort of logic to help suss the situation out. Listing to myself, reason after reason as to why a 'woman like her' shouldn't have even been a part of my personal "American Dream" in the first place.
My harsh reality that I have to live with every day is that I failed the woman I was in love with, and I failed miserably. I failed her before it even began. I failed her because I had doubt in myself, a secret fear. A fear that I never thought I would ever even whisper to anyone:
"I feared that I was not good enough for her."
And I believe that this fear was the reason for any of the poison that I contributed to our failed relationship. For this, I am so sorry. For this is my terrible secret, "I let the repetitive story of our "system" lead me to truly believe, within my heart of hearts, that I was not good enough for the Muse of my Life. My Love, My Heart, My Aphrodite, My Inspiration.
It's only now that I have lost everything, and I no longer have anything of myself left to lose that I can finally safely say I am...
officially...
a... stone... cold...
IDIOT!
Call me a true fool or not, because I now unquestionably believe she truly did love me just as fiercely as I loved her and we were meant for eachother goddammit! At least at that moment in time in our lives, it sure felt like we were meant for each other. I can still feel it, and I do know that it will never go away. I love her still, and that fire burns brighter than ever. This I can now tell anyone and everyone while retaining an absolutely clear heart and conscious, "I Love you still to this day, through and through, for now, forever and for always."
(Hmm, after that ode I may actually have to name a constellation after her! She's just that impressive!).
Unrequited love aside, the point is "I" let the stories of our people, our very machine, our "system" get so ingrained into my head that "I" no longer "believed" it possible for an above average looking man, to be with a woman who is, from just looks alone, a solid 10. (I think she's at least a 10,000 million btw.)
Oh and if you're wondering, it doesn't stop about her there. You got the memo from #MeToo right? World's changed. University degrees you might ask? She's got 2. Why? Because she's curious about the world and believes in herself, that's why. Also you should check out the ratings on her "animal loving empathy meter". The actual creators of the basic empathy metric used *her for the theoretical empathy maximums. She is a modern day role model for women around the world. She is truly doing it all.
And I, for some 'strange reason', didn't believe I was worthy of this woman. Tsk, Tsk... Well who the hell could be?!? Do you blame me?...
It's not too hard to see that, "If you already believe you're going to fail at something, you more likely will." So then Mr. Holmes, is this a case of me actually aiming a little too high? I don't know. I wonder what "she" thinks.
But therin lies the problem.. Why am "I" thinking her thoughts for her in the first place? For that matter, why is the "system" thinking her thoughts for her? Hey... What about, why do "I" "believe" that the "system" is influencing her actual decision path? Why are "YOU" thinking for her right now? STOP! Please stop. It's hurting us all and we have no idea how much damage we've already done.
Who has time to listen to what anyone else thinks "for" this amazing human being? Why should anyone's thoughts dictate her patterns, her decisions, her life? Those are for her and her alone to determine. And let me remind you that we have already determined that she's quite capable of making all of her decisions on her own. Hopefully you didn't already forget. #MeToo.
So, for myself, that's "my" reality of my failed marriage. I let a small nuisance of a worry get to me. And that worry's "emotional genesis" came from the society I am born of. There are many other factors to consider, for sure, while accounting the different possibilities as to why things fell the way they fell. But what is important for me to share right now, is that little, personal, private secret of mine. My own feelings of my fear of self worth. Fearing that society would find us and get to us, my hidden Xanadu, and reject a girl like her, from a guy like me.
Now that's all many years behind me and I am sullen to report, that I have fallen face first, straight into the dirt. I am a recovering alcoholic who has attempted and failed suicide, and is currently going through self administered outpatient rehab in my parents basement for depression and social anxiety, amongst a slew of other, not worth noting, mental health quirks.
In not so many words, a failure. Or rather... I should rephrase that to say, our "system" would really prefer it to have you call me failure. To call me fool. "The fool who believed he was wily enough to snare the genie in a bottle."
Well I am a fool. I am a fool for letting a little self doubt turn my life completely upside down. And I am an even bigger fool for ever letting this "system" of ours convince me, to truly convince me, that a genie even wants a bottle.
I learned that instead, I should just ask the genie what they want from life, and do my damned best to not get in their way, trying to help where possible. I have also learned that the dreams of myself and others do not have to match what's shown on the silver screen, or even your individual screens. In fact, here's another secret for you, the best dreams never even make it to any screen. Those dreams are on a permanent reserved list from the public, they're reserved for the dreamers <wink>.
That about covers my relevant experience on the matter at hand, and with all of this in mind I do have some advice: "It does absolutely no good ever, for anyone, EVER, to pretend like a problem doesn't exist when it clearly does." It's these, the "Unresolved Paradoxes" of your life that will catch up with you eventually.
"Ignore your personal problems at the risk of your personal mental health." I have officially learned the hard way that the "nature of personal problems", is such that; simply, they need to be solved. Which means that, unfortunately they cannot be ignored.
If they are ignored, they will just turn into bigger problems. Even if the problem appears mild and small we do need to deal with it. Small problems turn into bigger problems, and bigger problems turn into dangerous problems. And if the problem is dangerous enough, it'll eventually swallow you whole too. (I am looking directly at you alcohol!)
Hopefully this old fool can learn something further from all of this and successfully put it to practice one day. I have now been sober for over five months and I am finally feeling once again, a desire to do something with my life. Something that let's me feel like I'm needed. And maybe, just maybe this fool's experience is something you needed to hear. Maybe you needed to hear someone else say it first. I don't know. I do know that I needed to say it, so there's that. Maybe, I'm just a good bad example. I've been pretty good at that all my life.
I believe that eventually we're going to push our society just a little too far. Just one too many tasks assigned to the average person breaking their back, while they are trying to balance the whirlwind of demands facing the generations of today. I believe that we all suffer from symptoms of mental health daily, and we are conveniently ignoring it right now. I am very scared about ignoring it. I'm scared because I know what happens to the lives of people who pretend like a problem doesn't exist, when it clearly does.
So let's work on this together. Let's talk.
We should try to actively listen to each other a little more for a start. Who knows what's really bothering your friends, your family, your neighbors, better than they? They are also likely suffering from their own inability to talk about their personal emotions. Their "real" emotions. Many of us feel that we're not "supposed" to, or worse "no one wants us to". This needs to change and people need to feel like it's okay to be vulnerable. Ask the person next to you, genuinely ask them, how their life is going. And Please don't forget to be available to listen!
-A Good Bad Example
|
self.offmychest
|
Started New Job Today I've been out of work for almost 4 months now. I've been keeping busy by playing video games and doing drugs, being alone all most everyday. Since last week, I have gotten sober and quit smoking. I feel so much better now that I'm not out of my mind all day. I'm still very lonely but after my first few hours of work I feel great. It gives me something to keep my mind busy and gets me out of the house. Ive been inside so often that I forgot what my voice sounded like. At work I've had several conversations with other employees. It feels so good to just talk to someone and I really look forward to the walk to work. Things are looking up!
|
self.depression
|
Needing some advice For the past 2 years and so I'm well convinced that I was falling into depression mainly due to family issues.
Because of this it effected my studies and I had to drop out of university.
Since then i feel like there was a spike in which it started to effect me physically and moreso mentallu( ive started to lose alot of hair ), i still barely have an appetite, i have had those thoughts mutiple times and i just want to be left alone and be alone etc.
Anyways what i need advice on is if i consider going to a local gp what am I supposed to ask? Ie. I think im depressed? Is there some sort of test I can take? Is there medication that can help? And ontop of that is there a possible way to get in writing that I actually am depressed if I do get proven so by a qualified gp? (I ask this because my someone close to me believes I have nothing to be depressed about )
Also would the gp try to pry into my personal life? This is literally the only reason I've never reached out.
Issue with me and getting help from another person is that I dont like sharing my personal life with others especially when it comes to family. Im more so an introvert as well. I am overly shy and find it hard to talk to people especially strangers.
Sorry if everything im saying seems incoherent. Currently in a bad mood and just need some guidance from my fellow internet ghosties.
|
self.depression
|
You made it another year If nothing else, here's to that.
|
self.depression
|
Does anyone else sleep with a stuffed animal? I started sleeping with a stuffed animal a little over a year ago because I started having trouble going to sleep do to my anxiety. I am 21, and still feel weird about sleeping with my dragon or Wonder Women bear every night. I now can't sleep without a stuffed animal, but I feel that it does make me feel safe, and less anxious when my anxiety is really bad. Does anyone else sleep with a stuffed animal?
|
self.Anxiety
|
My dad called me a disgusting pig when I was 12, he thought I didn't hear him. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
How do i stop feeling like i want to die I am just a burden to everyone i meet, half of my friendships are hinged on the fact that i want to die and my friends are just nice people who dont want to feel like my blood is on their hands, I do not know how to be normal and how to be happy, I fail at most things i do and the main reasons i havent killed myself yet are my parents and the fact that i am scared i have not done enough yet. I dont know what to do, I am always sad and cant focus on anything. Ive tried to get professional help and it has always gone badly. i'm sorry for bothering everyone. I hope i die soon
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
False Hope I know its false hope. Its like a window to happiness. I feel good thinking about it. But the problem is, i know it won't ever come true. And i know that when this hope is truly lost, i will really go back and go even deeper below where i was before. PLEASE HELP ME! My mind keeps pursuing me to love this false hope. And i know this won't last long, maybe Tomorrow. Please.....
|
self.depression
|
Ironic. Isn't it ironic that the guy who helped pull at least 6 people out of suicide has no one to listen to his cry for help? Isn't it ironic that the person who spends so much time voluntarily counseling people online has no one to go to? Isn't it ironic that no one cares and no one will notice him being gone?
I can't do this anymore. I'm done.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Does anyone else wish they could trade out their family for a new one? I'm 17M.
I always go into a deep depression around this time of year thinking about what could have been. I loved my grandparents, but both have passed away, and my living family members are selfish and abusive individuals. My step mom has always hated me, and she has no end to reasons why I should hate myself too. When she doesn't have anything to blame me for, she simply makes something up. Her favorite thing to do has always been to accuse me of some kind of sexual misconduct in front of other people, including my friends who don't know about her tactics. My dad has me convinced that I should be trying to please her anyway, and to him, she can do no wrong.
I also love having to spend holidays with my sister, who has betrayed and stolen from me constantly since I was born. Forgiving her is a "shame on me" moment because she just does it again when she has something to gain from it. She's dating a grown ass 25 year old man who shot my friend in the testicles with a fake gun at point blank range, giving him huge bruises down there. My dad of course spun the excuses for them. It was all a prank!
I'm tired of feeling trapped in this situation. I meet families who seem to love each other, and it is like night and day compared to my own.
|
self.depression
|
Trying to let go Tried shooting myself back in college - couldn't find the key for the trigger lock.
Stabbed myself in the stomach with an 8" knife around graduation time, got surgery and a nice scar.
Poisoned myself in grad school, but I took too much and threw up all night.
I'm so freaking tired. Success isn't happiness. Other people will keep letting you down. My birthday is in 31 days and I don't wanna see it. The only thing that keeps me from killing myself is the added guilt from the people who "need" me and rely on me. I just want to stop caring about letting them down and just die already.
Married, successful, fit, well-liked, respected... and all I want is out.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Struggling My girlfriend died from suicide 4 weeks ago today. Each day has become more difficult not to want to kill myself. I am going to therapy, breavment groups, talking to friends, but nothing is helping. I received a letter today from a coworker who's worried about me. It was beautifully written, containing praise, hope, and even a personal antidote of relatability, as her partner died from suicide nearly 8 years ago. However, instead of the effect it should have had in making me feel more apart of, loved, and cared for, it made me want to die right then and there. I just don't see a point in living when the love of my life, my soul mate is gone. I know myself well enough and I am not naturally geared towards suicidal thoughts, that this is how I feel. I simply do not want to go thru this life without my partner. I am trying to hang on because I have children and my father does depend on me. And while I may endure for sometime for them, I feel as though I am already gone. I know no one can tell me how long is enough and this decesion is mine...and I don't want anyone experiencing the pain I am as a result of me killing myself, but I do not see it as a selfish act. I understand my mind and thoughts may appear off to some, but I've always felt I wanted to die within a short time of my soulmate. I just never expected it to be this early in life. I honestly dont know if i am going to do it tonight, tomoorow, next week, or never. Its a moment to moment struggle right now. But generally speaking, i feel as thiugh im fighting a losing battle. Any thoughts?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Those thinking of taking SAM-e be careful. I took a total of 6 pills(200mg) in as many days and quit cold turkey because they were making me nauseated and you cant cut the pills to taper off.
I am going through increased anxiety, more than I had to begin with, increased depression, intrusive thoughts, restlessness and insomnia, Im basically pacing throughout my house throughout the night, sweating of the hands and feet. My heart beat has been constantly elevated and wont let up.
Its been this way for 3 days now.. I hope it is almost over.
Be wary, it does not work well for everyone.
|
self.Anxiety
|
How old are you and how long are you depressed? I am 14, about 2 years now.
|
self.depression
|
Do you get approached a lot by strangers? what do you do? I have increasing social anxiety and GAD after tapering off benzos and other prescribed anxiety meds. I am so often approached by strangers, almost once per outing (example: I went to Whole Foods today. A worker was stocking the shelves right next to me & I was in my muddy clothes after playing with my dog. A woman came up to me to ask me about the product I was picking off the self to ask about it.).
Not that this is a problem but sometimes I just want to live my damn life without strangers approaching me. I finished my shopping trip with my hood up. I'm not annoyed and this woman was very kind and sweet, but it's the repetitive nature of my experiences paired with my innate sense of wanting to be left alone.
|
self.Anxiety
|
How to tell the difference between anxiety and panic attack? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Now is the time of year to be Scrooge I want everything to do with you. I need you in my life like a dog needs at least a fake plastic bone to feel alive and welcome with. I want to sing crappy songs with you, and pretend that you're the only one who would ever fit me the right away. I want your skin to melt onto mine about three inches apart from each other, fusing into an attractive, smooth, magnetic shock that only roosters cockadoodling can break apart. I need you to let go of everything and everyone you have EVER believed to be true, and fit me forever. I am ready for my life to get real, and to see all the artificial high/low-end relationships end RIGHT NOW. GO!
|
self.offmychest
|
kindness is a curse i've been too kind and sensetive all my life. and in the end i always get hurt.
its something people take advantage of in me, people know i will never say no to them. "do you have this?" "can i borrow money?" i just say okay and never get a thank you or paid back. then the sensitivity comes in and makes me feel pretty butthurt.
the worst was when i bought people so much food from a local place ( i didn't even know them too well ) i spent my money on them, gave them the food and i never got a thank you. they only complained i gave them the wrong food. me being sensetive just blamed it all on me and i cried like a wuss.
people ask me for answers on homework and all that and i just can't say no because i feel bad. this has got me in trouble with teachers at times. all the blame was on me too. because i took the blame.
read this today, hit me hard:
"i guess i am special. like an arrow that misses everything nobody will ever notice me but my life is still special because i've managed to go through life not making an impression on anybody".
|
self.offmychest
|
I'm done I read over some posts to see if anyone felt the same way I do, I really don't empathize with the other posters here. If you've, for some reason read through other posts here and don't find the answers you're looking for, I'm sorry you suffer the way you do and I sympathize deeply with you. I want you to know, I care for you. Don't kill yourself because you're feeling helpless or lonely or think you, as a person are hopeless. A lot of your problems have answers and ends that can be achieved.
I'm wondering if maybe someone out there can offer some guidance on what to do next for me. I'm bored and unsatisfied with life, I don't think I'm going to hang around much longer. I'm definitely not interested in changing my life for the better, I'm minimizing my impact on others taking care of debt, friends, and so on. I'll probably be ready within a month.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
No one can love a sad girl My ex told me all I did was bitch when i laid there with my heart on my sleeve, with a knife in my hand, with the end on my mind.
My current told me I’m always depressed. He can’t give me the attention I deserve.
They are right maybe there is no love out there for a sad girl, but at least I know even though I have a mental illness I deserve someone to care. Maybe they are out there maybe they aren’t. But no one will ever make me feel less then a strong beautiful woman again even if that means I will be alone.
|
self.depression
|
I'm like, "Let's see how this year wants to fuck me". How did you start into this unnecessary construct of time.
|
self.depression
|
What is the difference between a depressed person and a whiny bitch? Do depressed people tend to appear to others as a "whiny, lazy, underachiever who just needs to try harder" or is there no difference at all.
I have known depressed people who don't seem to want help or to do anything about it.
Usually when things like being whiny are mentioned I feel very guilty. Originally I didn't say anything about depression largely because I don't want others to find out about me, or think I am whiny.
Can someone explain this thing?
I can't tell if my opinion is correct, but I think depressed people appear to others as whiny, or like someone who can kill the mood when its not the case....
Some are better at hiding depression than others. These days I am just going to keep it to myself as I am aware how others may see it. And lets face it. People hate whining, and complaining. Its just part of being a person and theres nothing wrong with that. I mean who wants to be depressed lol.
|
self.depression
|
I think it's about time I made another attempt. It's been 3 years since my last serious attempt at suicide. Since then I've only been tolerating life, and putting it off until I found a reasonable way to finish it. Now perilously close to not caring anymore. I need this, I'm exhausted day in and day out. And my unending stupidity is driving me nuts! I can't do this anymore. I can't. The pain, the anger, the loneliness, the yearning for things I can never have. Passion and drive has been sapped from me, My contempt for life is unending. I deserve death. I can never be what I want in my head.
And the characters I imagine for novels I wanted to write are having so much fun. And yet I'm here I'm this mundane world, suffering because two people couldn't keep it in their pants.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Considering prostitution and also a garbage sibling. This isn't an advertisement but it is a fucking frustrating situation. One that requires a throwaway account because my sister and I know each other's main accounts.
Anyway, I've helped my sister out with bills in the past few months and I just looked at my finances and realized I'm about $600 short of making it through the winter. I know that sounds ridiculous but I work a seasonal job and live in a small town, so there aren't a lot of available new jobs.
I feel like an awful sibling because I wish I hadn't fucking helped my little sister out. I know she has a lot going on (abusive relationship, school, job, etc) and I feel the constant need to protect her, but fuck. I'm desperately trying to find a new job and I'm terrified because I'm going to end up on the street if I don't.
But mostly, I'm ashamed. I've given my sister $600 and it didn't break the bank, but now I'm regretting it? I feel like a fucking trash sibling.
I've started considering selling anything I can to get by, including myself. I hate myself for considering it, but that's where I am in my life and I'm so fucking scared. I can't be on the street. I have medications I need to pay for and I'm afraid I can't pay for them now. I'm so fucking afraid of everything that's going on.
I hope this makes sense. I hope it's legible. I just needed to get it out there.
|
self.offmychest
|
Does anyone else just feel "neutral"? I know people commonly say they feel *numb*, but I think my experience of life most of the time is different than this (or maybe it's not). I go through my day doing normal things - making food, tidying up, going on the internet; I laugh at something funny, smile at something cute, but it doesn't ultimately feel good or bad. It just is. I'm just here. I feel like people are supposed to feel things more deeply, but maybe I'm wrong?
&nbsp;
Any thoughts? Am I just overthinking things?
&nbsp;
&nbsp;
Edit: Thanks for sharing all your thoughts and experiences; you all have really made me think.
&nbsp;
In particular, if you still want to discuss, I'm wondering now what "living a full life" even means/feels like? I know this is the opposite end of the spectrum of what we are experiencing, so this might not be the best place to ask, but if you have insights on this too, that would be cool
|
self.depression
|
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.