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Everything just goes wrong All the bad things happen to me, things that were fine, all of a sudden decide to not work, all the unfortunate things happen to find me out of all people. It's as if life itself hates me and wants to make me miserable. Well it worked, that's how I feel, each and every fucking day.
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self.depression
|
That moment when ...you're waiting in line to pay at the supermarket and witness how friendly the cashier is to everyone before you.
"Hello, good evening, have a nice weekend, thank you very much".
It's your turn. And it's nothing but "24.95". You try to smile, you wish a nice weekend. Nothing.
You thought you didn't even have such a bad day, you didn't even feel like you were radiating misery that much today, you thought that for once you didn't even look like the most fucked up junkie when you looked into the mirror earlier.
Oh well.
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self.depression
|
I had an extremely intense acid trip and dumped all my bipolar meds down the toilet what do I do [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
I messed up, but it's too late to fix it. I may be making a big deal out of this but please understand my side. I've always been on top of highschool. I'm an A/B student, never missing class, putting on as much effort as I can, and being somewhat connected to my teachers on a social level. But this year not so much. I have ADD and struggle with anything and everything even on medication. I received a C in English this 9 weeks. My parents were obviously disappointed. Besides from school I had been getting into drugs and losing friends. I'm not talking heroin but pot. My life took a turn when in September my parents found out and went through my room finding other drug paraphernalia. Since December I have been drug and tobacco free. After then I got in trouble for having social media because my parents dont think I'm mature enough. They put PhoneSherrif on my phone so EVERYTHING is monitored. Nothing bad has happened since mid January. So change in subject. Recently I haven't been completing my homework because of my anxiety and depression. I will have no motivation. And then there are other times when I completely forget i have homework because ADD. At my school the homework policy is that at 4 misses you get an afterschool detention. Yes, on friday I hit that mark, in English class. This class is at the end of the day so after school activities distract me and I forget what my homework was. I have never gotten a detention before. On Friday I came home and balled my eyes out in fear of my parents. If they found out, they would think it was because of my phone distracting me, but it is not. I simply forget things. We all make mistakes right? Well the trust between my parents and I is bad so they never listen to me telling my story of the truth because they choose to go by their own evaluation of th e situation. They will never believe me. Then I thought emailing my teacher trying to make a deal, would get me out of it. She hasnt emailed me back. On Saturday I decided to tell my mom when I get th e actual form assigning me detention. I had thought how could I let this slip to this point. I'm worthless and my life is going to get worse from here on out. Tomorrow I will commit suicide after school. I can't deal with anymore shame. I have no life, no friends, and no soul. So yes, It may sound stupid that I would want to die over this small first detention but I can't take it anymore. My brain is so effed up with things and situations I can't change or erase. So I will erase me. Goodbye for now.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm broken glass. I was told i would break, but I did it anyway. Hey. I'm hurt. I hurt myself, but there was no way to stop it. Everyone told me that it wouldn't work, and that she didn't like me. And I knew that, I knew she didn't like me. But for some reason I just kind of believed in my heart that we would end up together. She even told me very clearly that we were friends... But I kept hoping. I knew she didn't like me.
I've decided this time is the last time. This has happened before, and if I don't stop or change it will happen again. I've been hurt for the last time. I'm going to try my best, I'm going to try my hardest to stop my feelings. I want to bury them right now, starting today. They will only hurt me more.
A lot of people have suggested that I distance myself from her, but I can't. She truly is a really nice person. It's just an unfortunate situation. And it's not her fault.
I'm putting on a mask. From today, I'm pretending to be a different person. In still going to act like me, but I'm going to pretend to be okay, that everything is fine. There's no other way for me to get through the day. I know that next time I see her I'm going to be depressed, there is no way around that. But I don't want to make her feel bad.
I'm heavily depressed right now... There's been too many times where I thought that I "figure it out" and that this is going to fix everything, but never does. I just hope that this patches as many holes in my sinking boat as possible. Thanks Reddit, I've made posts on other subreddits and I've made comments about my situation, and I think it's going to be okay from now on.
I just wanted to get that off my chest.
Any advice or friendly words are appreciated.
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self.offmychest
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how have your symptoms been improved/exacerbated by prescription medication? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
My whole thoughts right now... Please forgive my grammar, I'm not into writing honestly but I need to let it all out. I'm sorry if it's painful to read.
Just to fix my mistakes, every single of them. 3rd year and I'm still failling all of my finals, because I had no energy to study for them. At all. I'm allergic to studying, I never had to study in highschool considering I had a very excellent memory and I was like a "parrot" so to speak.
Nowadays I can't remember for shit, I'm just 20. I wish I wasn't so lazy back then, I wish I actually sat down on my ass and read through the material. The thing is, I actually do..for a second. Because the material gets complicated, and I get discouraged completely.
I can't believe I couldn't even complete a simple community service course, my dad was against it since it had nothing to do with my major, but the thing is I am also behind my credits so I wanted to get at least 15 credits in this semester. I'm not sure how someone can really do 100 hours of community service tbh and still have time to focus on their schoolwork. I couldnt catch up with the assignments, and it was too late to drop the class at this point because I kept telling myself "Ahhhh I know I'll do more hours this weekend and so and so"
The place I volunteered at also clashed with my classtimes A LOT, so I could only go there like one day a week, and that's not even enough. I only ended up with 25/100 hours required, so I am now failing the course.
I wonder why I even see the point of being in college now, I don't really have a definite career path, all i really want is a job so I can make money and save and buy on stuff I like while I feel like being a productive member of society. It's because my dad wants me to go but truly I never had a major I was really interested in, I was Accounting, then Computer Science now I'm doing Math because math is really something I know I can actually do properly.
Truly, I don't think you really need a career in life, just have a job you like, some hobbies and a social life I suppose. That's enough for me, I could be working in retail for the rest of my life if I really wanted to, and I wouldnt want to look beyond that. I suppose to some that's settling down but I just want something simple.
I told my dad I didnt have career and I told him I just wanted to work in general, he didnt like it at all and said I should go for something more than that...and I don't know. In a day or so I'm coming back home for christmas break, with low grades again and to dental surgery.
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self.offmychest
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I don't even know where to start. I keep a word document open on my laptop; it's kind of like a working suicide note. For a few months, I had unsuccessfully tried to write formatted, concrete suicide notes to my loved ones. It never conveys how I truly feel. This is better. I can add to it when I have nice experiences with the people I reference and thank them.
I'm planning on killing myself in March. I've been trying to stick it out for almost two years now. I came very close to ending it last winter, but stopped myself and made a promise to give it a year. During the past year it has gotten exponentially worse. I was going to do it last Thursday in a weak, impulsive moment. Instead, I realized that my mom's birthday, the holidays, my five year anniversary and my boyfriend's birthday are all coming up. I don't want to tarnish any of these events in the future, so I have decided to wait until March when everything cools down.
Ever since I accepted this choice I am going to make, I feel at peace. I feel calm. I'm ready. I feel appreciative of the time I do get to spend with my loved ones, and I am excited to finally get away from myself and relieve everyone from my existence.
I don't really know why I am writing this here. I am going to be sad to go but I think years of consideration is more than enough time to consider my choice. This is happening. It feels right.
Until then, if anyone needs someone to talk to, please feel free to reach out to me. I love listening to other peoples' stories and offering advice. Thanks.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I used to get angry when ppl cancelled plans at the last minute But Ive become that person now. Sometimes I just freak and get super nervous about going somewhere/meeting someone that Ill just stay/go to bed and wish to die. It hurts...
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self.bipolar
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15 year old, Asperger's, failing grades, and unexplained attendances [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I need some advice I'm sure this sub hates when people self diagnose, but im so done with everything; in the past year and a half I've probably been on 10 different medications for depression and nothing seems to help. I go through very brief periods of elation characterized by a love of life, hope for the future, and intense productivity (usually lasting a couple days or so), followed by weeks of shit. I just want to know how the fuck I can get better and stop being an unemployed shitstain on the underwear of society. Help me? thanks
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self.bipolar
|
I Don't know if I Was Raped One day someone I know all to well took me out to get pastry. We went on a fairly familiar ride to a one mile down the rode supermarket. We walked in to buy a pastry. Once we picked one out we then walked over to the sugar section he was looking for a certain type of sugar they didn't have it. Then we left the the store entered a car and then blank everything stopped for just one second and went black. It was like a blank cut of film in old movies.Then I was back in the car and driving home as if nothing happened but my surroundings had slightly changes in some unknown way. It wasn't until I got home I felt something like lube on my ass.We had spent 12 minutes in the care and 10 in the market. When I left it was 7:15 and when I came back it was 8:05 .This is really bizarre and I cant tell if this was all just some horrible hallucination. This man had been coming onto me for what seemed like a very long period of time. We had completed this routine many times before and I have to wonder if it was all leading up to this.
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self.offmychest
|
How do you cope? -be me
-30 and single
-no kids
-no friends
-works 12+ hours a day
-hates life, tries to change myself with no luck
-feel hopeless and lost
-work come home eat then sleep, rince wash repeat.
It really gets hard sometime. I know I put myself here and that just creates a vicious feedback loop. It seems everytime I try to crawl out of the rut I just fall in deeper. I tried making friends but apparently I suck at that too.
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self.depression
|
My room I have decided to do myself a favour and clean my room.
These past years have not been very good to me.
Towards the beginning of the month I moved into this room.
My best friend hasn't talked to me since I moved out from where she lives.
My shrink hasn't talked to me in 2~ weeks even though I've been trying to set up an appointment with her.
I tripped acid on the 26th and basically was in a state of panic for 24~ hours and got taken advantage of by my sisters friends (my sister is a good person, but often doesn't see the bad in people).
It's been rough but I at least owe myself this one thing.
Sorry if this sounds like a pity party for myself but I just wanted to try and have someone that I need to report to. That seems to be the only way that I can get anything that I want to do done is if there is pressure on me. It's the only reason I applied for my last job.
Sorry again for wasting your time. Hopefully you all have a good day! :)
Also [here](https://imgur.com/gallery/3seUn) is an imgur album with before pictures
Edit: It seems that /u/i-am-a-good-noodle has posted a very similar [thing](https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/7nhcsq/im_going_to_clean_my_room_today/). I hope that he accomplishes his goal and is able to find something to hold onto.
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self.depression
|
What happens when I tell my doctor that I am suicidal? Some context,
I have been seeing this doctor for almost a year and I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I am on a couple medications and for the past about 2 months I have been progressively more depressed.
At this point, I know I have crossed the bridge from a depressive episode into suicidal.
What should I expect to happen?
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self.depression
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Off my meds and my libido has gone way up. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Withdrawal symptoms with reduction of Prozac I’m tapering off of Prozac and I’m insanely anxious. Are these two things connected? Is it normal or possible to have withdrawal symptoms from slowly reducing Prozac intake. I’ve been taking Prozac for like three years now.
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self.depression
|
Maybe sumone can relate. I dont want to sing
I dont want to read
I dont want to be here
I dont even wanna breath
But my pen wanted me and i wanted you
Even when the darkness is on my mind i still think of you as my sunshine
And theres no amount of clouds that can take you away
Ill love you always!
You'r the only thing that gets me through my day
Drop by drop getting happyier with my thoughts
I try to be happy but my body wont let me
Its hard to find the words i want to say
So let me paint a picture to help explane
Brother, sister down the road Yet ill never get to know
Mother, sister million miles
My niece and nephew just want to see your smiles
Please lord come take me away i just want to be in a better place
I didnt want to sing
I didnt want to read
I dont want to be here
I dont even wanna breath
But my pen needed me
And i needed you, i needed you
Yah, i need you
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self.SuicideWatch
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does nobody understand that I'm hanging on by a thread? I am just pretending to be happy so that I can still function day by day. I am in a very low place. But every day my best friend who also has mental health issues talks to me about things that just remind me how much the world sucks and my wife is constantly verbally abusing me every time I make a mistake. I'm hanging on by a thread. Really, I am. I go for drives to calm down and thing the whole time if I have the guts to kill myself and how. And I cant even talk about how I'm feeling cause I'm just so selfish if I do...
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self.depression
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"Lets go to church to cure your depression" And, this is why I'm atheist. because of stupid people like that who thinks that praying can fucking cure everything... "oh? You have cancer? Dont worry I'll pray for you"
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self.depression
|
I think I died and went to heaven 6 months ago (rant/ramble) [deleted]
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self.depression
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Does reading posts on this subreddit ever give anyone more anxiety then before you started reading the posts on here lmao Just decided to stroll though this subreddit to see if i could maybe help anyone out and since my anxiety is already pretty bad lately doing so made it worse. anyone else ever experience this?
Edit: I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with the sub, it’s great and it honestly helps people, like I know it’s definitely helped me in the past with stuff. It’s just reading some stuff on here can trigger some anxiety for me and other things.
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self.Anxiety
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Depression is the only thing that makes me special. [deleted]
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self.depression
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What chance does a high school dropout even have at life? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Will I ever do it for me? Hopefully soon I used to think I was the passively suicidal type, where I want to die but would never actually commit suicide. This was because after my last attempt I saw my dad cry for the first time and it was utterly heartbreaking. But then again, the next day he was back to destroying my self esteem again.
The only and I mean absolutely only reason I'm still alive is because of my dog. Where I live now if I did it my roommates wouldn't even notice and my dog wouldn't get taken care of. That why I've waited until Christmas break at my parents house to finally do it. I'm very aware that it's selfish of me to leave my dog in the hands of my parents but I really feel like I finally need to stop living for her and do it for myself.
When I say I'm alone, I actually mean it. I'm not just oooh woe is me I have nooo friends but actually has a lot type. I mean I have one person I'm even slightly friends with and my mother are the only people that text me more than once a month. All my classmates think I'm retarted but I'm really just so depressed I can barely get myself out of bed let alone study for anything.
I'm a nursing major so you'd think the bitches around me would notice the signs of depression and at least make the slightest effort to act like I exist but nope. One of my teachers is the only one who has actually noticed. Everyone in my class went to hang out after class and of course I wasn't invited again and she goes "are you ok? Do you not really get along with them? I'm here if you need to talk" that's the only time anyone is noticed. And she did because she's a FNP with a masters degree who also had depression.
I've never understood it, but I literally repulse everyone that's around me. I thought it was because I was shy and rarely talked in high school , but in college when I try extremely hard to have good conversations with everyone I still end up sitting alone. I also thought it was because I end up pushing people away. But I've made a huge effort to take initiative and try and make plans with people but still end up alone. My mom always tells me it's not me it's them, but I've been without friends for almost a decade so obviously something is wrong with me.
I've gained 60 pounds since my senior year of high school (2years ago) and I don't even know how. I didn't even noticed I gained weight until I saw a picture of myself. It's so disgusting I can't even stand to look in the mirror. It feels like I'm in a fat suit. Still though I'm not clinically obese I'm just moderately overweight for my body proportion.
My dad stood overtop of me when I was eating a taco (my last meal before I started yet another diet) and started telling me how obese I am and saying that I'll never be able to be a nurse because I'll be so fat that everyone's gonna have to take care of me. He tried to ask if he needed to send me somewhere. I said "I hate to break it to you, but I'm not fat enough for fat camp" I've been the same weight for a year. I gained the 60 and it fluctuates 5 pounds by water weight no matter if I eat fast food daily or if I eat one meal a day, it doesn't matter. The weight won't come off.
He also told me when I was in high school getting a D in honors chem and a C in math that I'm too stupid to get a job anywhere but McDonald's. He claims he was trying to motivate me. He spends his time just trying to make me feel like shit. He tells me to not work so that I can have a break. I say ok and don't work, then he tells me I'm lazy. Whatever I do he thinks I should be doing the opposite.
I just can't live like this anymore. My parents try and tell me they couldn't handle loosing me but why would my dad call once last semester? A mother who only cares sometimes and a dog are not enough reason to live. I think I finally found the right pill combinations to get the job done. I've been crushing pills every night to prepare because I will not fail at this again. I just hate the feeling of waking up after a bottle of pills knowing you failed again. Last time it was so bad I fell asleep at a nascar race. I was so fucked up from taking half a bottle of cymbalta I could barely keep my eyes open. I've been on every depression medication possible in the last 8 years and nothing ever works long term. I either have no motivation and am insanely depressed or are so anxious I can't function. Doctors can't listen no one can.
In 7th grade I used to sit with a belt tied around my neck for hours but I could never get it tight enough. My dad and sister saw my cut marks from when I self harmed and they never did a damn thing. I hate it when people say suicide is selfish. It's more selfish to ignore someone and make them feel so worthless that I know when I finally get to die they will feel more sorry for themselves having lost a daughter than they will actually for me. People are so cruel and have no idea the power words have on them. Everyone around me is so blissfully stupid about the signs of depression it's pathetic. It's all mental as my dad says
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self.SuicideWatch
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Release from the cage that is my mind At 22, I have exactly 1 friend. Sort of.
I currently don't have a job because my anxiety is so out of control I can barely talk to a stranger. I've tried so many medications, so many therapists, so so many different things. I don't know what happy is.
My life has never been an easy road, but I feel like I have no more streets to turn down. My father abused me extremely growing up, physically, verbally, and emotionally. My mom knew but never did anything about it.
The only person to try and actually care about me in so long has finally left. He no longer loves me, he can't take my deteriorating in front of his eyes.
I don't sleep much, and I can't eat without getting sick. It all makes me wonder what the point is, or if there is one. All I have ever wanted is to be happy. It seems I can fail even at that.
I just want to be free.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Scared of going back into uni I have been into university only twice since coming back on the 15th last month. I'm going to go in and do a half day but I'm absolutely terrified. Everyone says it is going to be ok, but that is almost as bad as everything going wrong. I've been scared and anxious for so long now that I'm sort of afraid of being wrong, if everything is ok then what was the point of being so worried? I don't know if that makes sense but i felt I needed to get this off chest.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Need some advice Im 18yo male, unsuccessful in everything, ugly, have no friends, im not smart, i never had a real relationship and all i do the whole day is skip uni, sleep and hate myself and everyone else except my mom and brother. Idk how to feel about my dad as he cheated on my mom a week ago. My grandpa died recently aswell. I never get invited anywhere and im insecure and not able to build healthy relationships to others.
Im filled with hatred and i lost faith in humanity and love.
The only joy i get is abusing drugs until i go unconscious.
So my question is, if i should be leaving a letter for my family when i commit suicide.
And if i should tell my crush that i love her.
I probably shouldnt tell her but it feels wrong to never say it.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
update: I (25) broke up with my GF (24) tonight and I don't know how to feel. also her mom tried calling me
I made a post a bit ago about conflict with my gf. After much thought I settled on ending the relationship tonight. As predicted she did not take it well. She got very aggressive in her speech and sort of started talking down to me / with "conviction" it made me intimidated and feel less badly about what I was going through with. Understandably she was pissed.
 
Mostly I feel sad that I hurt her. She was such a big part of my life and I feel bad knowing that I hurt her and made her think poorly of me from all this. I don't know if she'll ever come around but it sucks hurting someone you care about like this.
 
Regardless I don't regret ending it. I think I made the right decision. The way she made me feel with her disposition and tone of her voice was very intimidating, more of a turn off and made me want to get away from the relationship more which I guess is good. Grew up in a house with lots of yelling and whenever someone is aggressive in their speech I shut down. I prefer calm discussions and still not sure if this is a character flaw that I can't handle emotions in the tone of a voice.
 
Her mom tried to call me twice which I find kind of immature. What the hell good would come out of that call other than her mom telling me off. - huge red flag on top of everything else.
 
feels better to share but damn idk how to be single its been awhile (~2 years) Thanks for reading comments welcomed
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self.offmychest
|
So tired of my home situation and need to vent So tired of my home situation and the city I live in too. Rent prices here are through the roof so there's really no way for a young person to get their own place and be able to afford it along with bills because the ashes here don't match the cost of living.
Anyway, I live with my mom and her boyfriend. I pay part of the rent, I don't live here for free. The agreement was for only the three of us to live here.
My mom's boyfriend has a scumbag teenage son that should be living with his mother. He's not blood related to me in any way. He started bringing him on the weekends and then brought him to live here full time without caring that we have a lease and that he can't just bring one more person here without speaking to the owner and without speaking to my mom or myself (the other 2 people who live here and pay rent).
So about the son, he's about to turn 17 and has a criminal record a mile long. He's on probation too. He brought a gun into the house and it went off one day. His dad thought that was fine. He brings questionable people into the house and has guests sleeping over all the time or here until very late making all sorts of noise and the rest of us wake up very early in the morning for work. Also does drugs and sells them to people and has done it here. His dad finds this okay. He brought a questionable person into the house and they had a gun and the gun ended up in our neighbor's backyard and they broke into the neighbor's yard to get it. The neighbor took video and gave it to the police and condo association. We lost the apartment and have to move out on December 1st because the owner terminated the lease. Oh and we don't get our deposit back which was money from my savings to be able to get this place.
I guess the justice system here sucks because he's violated his probation in every way and doesn't even go to school and they've put him through every program imaginable and he always just ends up out and tormenting everyone. He's supposedly going in for a year in December and was supposed to go through detox at a center and he fought with some kid there and was kicked out and is here again. Because his dad has no balls and never disciplines this kid.
I'm moving with other family next month but will be constantly worried about my mom because this situation just gets worse and worse. I hate her boyfriend and his son. I don't know who else to vent to because I don't want anyone I know finding out about this. I have enough with the horrible looks I get every day as I leave for work or come home from neighbors because they think I'm a delinquent too.
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self.offmychest
|
How do you handle anxiety in the middle of that night?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I feel f*cking even worse with this exercise sh!t. DAE? I've been gently trying to bodybuild, I live pretty sedentary. I want the musclez. I'm a guy. So check this shit out brothers and sisters, during workout I feel okay, but like 2-3 days after each exercise sesh I feel AWFUL, like more tense, bitchy, angry, depressed and negative, exhausted, sooopo much irrational panic and fear, poor sleep. I'm so sore, WTFH. Can anyone else relate to this? How long have you been struggling? I get it can be a temporary thing, and should improve with time right? Does it? I just started this sh!t, but at this rate I'm gonna like die from sleep deprivation and chronic anxiety if this fitness level doesn't increase, or something? I want to continue my workouts, but this is so so so so so bad. DAE relate? How often has this plagued you, or not? Did it get better with time, or do you experience the same sh!t years later? Are you consistent with the exercise, or does it just happen to you too when you exercise once a month, lol. Serious.
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self.depression
|
Cholesterol, Bloodwork not okay I haven't asked for help on here for a while, but a while ago I was diagnosed with BP, and then talked to my psych about meds so he referred me to someone who then had me take blood work to see my cholesterol and a1c levels. Often when I was manic I would binge a ton, and because of this my levels are not good, pre diabetic almost. I was wondering what you guys do if you aren't in the ideal state for getting medication?
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self.bipolar
|
From what height do I have to jump to die? I really just want to commit suicide and be done with this shit. My only options right now are cutting my wrists and jumping. I just want to know they required height that I need to die.
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self.depression
|
Was attempted to throw myself down a staircase today. It wouldn't have killed me. I just want to Control my own body and don't feel like I'm being allowed to But it's my own fault because I'm
Not taking care of
Myself. But I HATE showering when there's people around. There's no lock on the bathroom I have to use. My mother belittles me when she sees me naked(yeah another story for another day.) and I just don't feel like I have many choices on my life anymore. I've been hurting myself for 3-4? Years and I'm currently looking for a less visible way to do so bc the scars take forever to fade. I really
Needed his kff my chest and need to talk to someone but right now I have to go to something that will take a few hours. And yeah just not feeling great, ya know?
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self.depression
|
I’m new to this. Is this a mixed episode? Ultra rapid cycling?? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
I'm too scared to talk My first month at college, I cut myself and was involuntarily committed for 4 weeks. That was 15 years ago. Nothing has ever changed. Every time I asked for help, I just got told to pray. 3 years ago, my husband found me cutting again, and I barely saved my marriage. Every time he asks "why is there blood in the bathroom", I die inside. I can't tell him the only reason I safe is because I don't want to hurt him. That's cruel.
I have no future. This isn't what people expected of me. It isn't what I expected of myself. I'm hurting. I can't even express it. I'm hurting too much to keep hurting. I can't deal with it myself, but asking for help has always made the situation worse.
I've pounded my legs into a bruised mess this afternoon because I don't have to answer why there's blood in the bathroom. I cleaned the shower with pure bleach just so I could cry. My husband hasn't wanted me in months. The bills keep coming. I can't pull myself together enough to work. My in-laws are coming over in two hours. I'm going to be all smiles while cooking dinner for everyone.
I can't believe the only way I can get some of this pain out of my head is through a reddit post. It's low. I'm not angry. I'm just really tired. I'm too scared to kill myself because I know I'll just mess it up. I want to make everything stop.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Medication and interval fasting Hey all!
Before I was diagnosed I was probably in the best shape of my life.. Spending time in the hospital, new meds (Im looking at you antipsychotics!), basically I got fat.
A year later and I still haven't mastered juggling my meds or fixing my diet. I used to love interval fasting, it was the easiest most hassle free way to manage my caloric intake. Now however I will puke up all my meds if I dont take them with food.
Its so depressing because I miss my routine and I feel like I have no choice but to eat with my meds. I take medication 2xs a day, morning and night. I believe lithium is the main culprit.
Does anyone only take meds once a day? Has anyone cracked the code to successfully fasting on medication?
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self.bipolar
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My loneliness is really starting to get to me [deleted]
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self.depression
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Everyone is Thriving... I'm Just Trying to Survive I hate my life. I don't mean that as a "wa my life is terrible", it's probably not even that bad, I just hate it.
Everyone around me are all stars, good at just about everything without trying, then there's me. Everyone around me is getting scholarships, and I'm struggling to get out of bed in the morning.
I can tell my friends are starting to get tired of my crap. They can't rely on me at all for any help school work wise. My twin sister refuses to understand, she's mad that I miss a couple days every now and again but I flat out can't help it. I can't cry at school, it's just not something Ill allow to happen.
My parents are beyond disappointed in me. All my other siblings were rockstars in school, and they didn't even try at all until uni. And I'm sitting here, working my ass off and I'm not even passing.
Everyone at my work hates me because I call in more than them, but I don't know what else to do.
I just... I don't know. Its taken me a long time to accept that my life will be harder, and that things will take longer. It took me a long time to accept that it's not my fault if I'm beyond depressed, manic as all hell, anxious to the point I can't move, or flat out psychotic. I hate that everything feels out of my control, no matter how hard I try. But nobody else seems to get it, or even want to get it. They'll sit there and go "oh poor lazy you" or "poor dramatic you"
Even when I'm completely detached from reality, or super manic... There's always this tinge of loneliness, because nobody is really on my side.
|
self.bipolar
|
I have no reason to live I literally wake up every day and do the same chores every time. There's nothing to look forward to in my future. What is there to live for
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self.depression
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Wemt to the doctors and got sent to a mental hospital. I got sent to a mental hospital. Got a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Met some great people in the hospital. Got meds that really helped me. It was one of the scariest things at first but turned out saving my life. If you think you are a danger to yourself I recommend going to the ER and telling them.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I deserve Happiness Too Imagine: You wake up only to snooze your alarm long enough to have just enough time to get dressed, mildly groomed, and rush out the door. You drive 30 minutes to a job in which you have no upward mobility without additional experience that you’ll never obtain at said job. You observe everyone in the office exchanging family-like conversations while you sit, enveloped by jealousy, anger, self-loathing, and suicidal thought. But don’t get it twisted, you spark some conversations like this sometimes, but only 1 or 2 people will actually do this with you. You feel like the black sheep. A waste of space.
After a day of misery, you go home to a wonderful daughter and fiancé, but you’re still strapped for cash. You depend on your fiancé’s serving tips to have enough money to keep necessities around. Although bills are paid, you have nothing leftover to enjoy yourselves. You cook the same food day in and day out. You have always wanted more, but your family came early in life and now you have to make the best of what you have.
You want to be the best dad so you spend all your time with your daughter until bedtime. Then, with the little free time you have left, you don’t know what to do. You think all day about launching a product, but you have no ideas. You want to start a business, but have no passion for anything anymore. You have a master’s degree in horticulture, but you almost feel like it was a total waste of time, especially reading all of these stories about people younger than you becoming millionaires while you sit over $100,000 in debt because you were raised to “go to school, get a good job, and live happily ever after,” such a baby boomer and GenX mentality.
Your biggest passion in life was always playing music, but you can’t play because you live in an apartment and can’t afford an electric drum kit, your band broke up, your 25, and you have no dreams left, other than to suffer through it all and only focus on raising a wonderful daughter. But how? How can you raise your child the way you want to with no examples for her to follow? How can you be a provider that works for someone else? How can you wake up smiling everyday when you realize that you haven’t made new friends in 6 months since you moved, you never even saw your old friends while you lived back home, and you realize that every single dream you had in your life is crumbling before your eyes?
I am at a loss here. I know what I want out of life, but I don’t have the slightest clue on how to achieve any of them under the circumstances. My fiancé relies on me for the simplest tasks, we moved from a city with potential (my POV) to the fucking boonies because I thought this job had a lot to offer, and I feel like I am turning into my dad; a good man with a good heart but no specialized, well-refined skills and an anger problem that arises every time something that doesn’t go right or even if something goes great for someone else. He has improved a great deal since I was a kid and he gives me great advice on staying positive, but I am tired. It’s so hard staying positive while everyone around you looks like the fucking Brady Bunch. Worse yet, my dad is essentially in the same situation as me!
I can’t stand hearing everyone talking to each other. Isn’t that fucking insane??? I hate hearing people have fun, happy, joking conversations, because I don’t have those. I have fun with my daughter, but I barely enjoy anything else except smoking a cigarette and some pot because I know it brings me just a little bit closer to the end. But I don’t want to feel like that!
I have always tried to grow up too fast with the hope that things will get better as you age. They sure fucking don’t! I know it’s true for more than just myself. One thing that keeps me going is that I’m not alone in my suffering, but why am I suffering? It’s because we are simply surviving in a world that has gone beyond simple survival. Society is able to have fun with excess money. They can climb a deadly mountain or swim with sharks to have fun. My fun is the occasional take out Chinese or pizza, but I want so much more. Mainly a career in which I wake up everyday and look forward to accomplishing something. I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting the majority of every week serving a bunch of other fuckheads that provide overprivileged people with more ways to make more money. Otherwise, I’ll just keep falling deeper and deeper into this endless pit that I keep digging. I have days when I can see some light, but most days the clouds block out the sun.
This is my first real post, but I needed to tell someone. Even if only 1 person reads this all the way through, thank you. I appreciate the time you’ve sacrificed to read my petty complaint that you’ve probably heard time and time again. If not, I tried.
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self.depression
|
My friend has been in the Baptist Health Emergency Room for 14 hours After she woke up feeling disoriented and was sure she was raped, she checked herself into the hospital to have the fucking rape kit done and her blood work taken.
That was 7 hours ago. She was then, after 7 hours of being there, labeled as being on suicide watch due to unrelated depression and had all of her belongings taken away. They refuse to let us see her, or allow her to send a message.
The poor girl is a FUCKING VICTIM. I’m about to FUCKING SCREAM.
FUCK YOU BAPTIST HEALTH, MADISONVILLE, KY.
You’re getting sued mother fuckers.
Update: She was finally released after I asked for them to prove she was mentally incompetent and to show me the affidavit that signed away her rights. She was set to be released five minutes afterwards, and it took 30 minutes for them to return her phone, jewelry, etc. and they didn’t even give her the prescription medication back to her.
I don’t think I’ve hugged someone harder in my life. I’ve always played devils advocate and tried to have an unbiased perspective on many political issues but illegally holding a girl based on her prior medication prescription that is irrelevant to why she checked herself into the hospital is ridiculous. I’m so mad that I’m to the point of almost tears- I can’t even imagine what she’s going through.
Update 2: turns out it gets worse. I drank myself to sleep tonight only to wake up 30 minutes after dozing off, having put 2 and 2 together. I asked my friend if the rapist was who I thought it was. It was someone who I was friends with in elementary school- his brother and I were very good friends up until 8th grade in middle school. I’m beyond disgusted, and when the hammer of justice puts this fuck behind bars it will be well deserved. Fucking barbarian piece of shit.
UPDATE 3: The police are now enraged at the hospital. They took between 5-6 syringes of blood before ignoring the polices’ request to have it tested for evidence of her being drugged and instead just tested all of the separately for pregnancy and STDs...then they destroyed the samples.
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self.offmychest
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I want to believe I can make it, but after a life time of suffering...maybe I can't. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Im very scared of the future. Especially if you're disabled it,s very likely to end up poor? Or am i wrong? Hwo to avoid ending up poor or even homeless if you,re disabled? Or isn't that possible? I am very scared of the future, maybe i will end up homeless or atleast poor. What should i do? The only way to prevent poverty is suicide?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Are my urges strange? So I think my suicidal ideation is becoming more and more detailed, to where I've formed some sort of plan...
The thing is, I know what I'm going to do is extremely unlikely to kill me. In fact, I think I'd even leave the bathroom door unlocked. I'm afraid of taking that last step. I know if I did it (abuse medication) it'd just create so many more problems for me because I'd get it taken away.
So some might say if I was attempting suicide it'd be a cry for help. But I don't think it is, because I'm already getting help and people are taking me seriously and all that.
I can't figure out why I feel this way. Is it just attention seeking so I can say that this is something I've done? Normally you'd do that so people take you seriously. Perhaps in real life they do, but maybe not the mental health services.
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self.SuicideWatch
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the downward spiral of self hate sucks to get into [deleted]
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self.depression
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I dont think i can do this anymore About a year ago I ruined my life. I went to school shitfaced every single day due to extreme social anxiety and depression. Little did i know, my life would only get 100x worse when i got caught. getting driven to this hospital to get my stomach pumped, getting picked up my dad broke my families heart. They let me go back to school a weak later and i was so happy to see all my friends and return to my passion: violin (it was a performing arts school). although i got past substance abuse, my depression continued to grow, and during winter break my parents found my finsta which had all my personal information and feelings on it on my mental health and sexuality and it was very embarassing due to the fact that i wasnt ready to come out. They made me switch schools to a closer one and promised i could return to my old school after i got better. By April, my mentality improved and my therapist said i was good to go back but my parents didnt even try. Im now still stuck in this god awful school in which i cannot truly call anyone my friend. All my friends from my old school have lost contact with me. My parents emotionally abuse me and my sisters every day and they all have an escape with their friends and boyfriends at school but for me life has become one tomultuos torture. I work hard every day to please my parents by practicing violin, working on my grades and losing weight but it is never enough for them. every day i tell myself that once this year is over ill be in college and ill have my own life with new friends and some sort of partner but i cant fucking live this awful cycle one more day. I havent been sober to school in over a month, i smoke my wax pen in the bathroom every single day because i cant stand existing anymore. I havent told one person in my school about who i truly am or anything and everyone else is in a relationship or at least has a fucking friend. I cant fucking hold this in anymore. school is hell home is hell sleep is hell im going to end this awful existence on the anniversary of the day i ruined my life. i keep telling my self it will be better next year, but i also said that last year and now im more suicidal than ive ever been in my liife.
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self.SuicideWatch
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When do controlling parents stop?? My mother was super controlling my whole life. Probably because I'm an only child. I've always been extremely independent but starting in 9th grade my mom would monitor my texts, snoop through my room at night, and would track my car and phone.
I wasn't a bad kid in high school, I didn't do drugs, party, nothing really. And once I got to college and got space, our relationship drastically improved.
That is, until she asked me to take down a photo on facebook. It was taken on new years, I was sober, I had a cute outfit on and was smiling at a camera with a peace sign. My friends all loved the photo and encouraged I post it. I'm 20 years old.
My mom saw the photo and later sent me a message saying "JADRK, at the risk of sounding like a mom, you're a beautiful woman and this isn't your best look" I ignored it because I love the photo, and I 100% believe there's nothing remotely inappropriate about it. But it didn't stop there. She also got her mutual friend to send me a text saying "Hi JADRK. Happy New Year. You are a beautiful young lady. The picture on Instagram could portray who you are better. Don't want guys to think that you are someone you aren't. Saying this as someone who cares"
I am extremely hurt by this. I don't know why my mother is still monitoring what I have on social media overall. I am really lost with how to communicate with her at this point. I have my own apartment, own life, and there's only so much she can influence at this point.
Anyone else relate to controlling parents? I just needed to vent.
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self.offmychest
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Happy fucking New Year! Starting 2018 with self hatred Why am I so unwanted by everyone? I’ve tried so hard last year but everyone just seems to hate me. It’s a new year now but I’m still haunted by the memories that happened years ago. I’m so sick of living like this. Every time I try to improve things I find out that I’m far from making any progress. It’s like being stuck in an avalanche and not knowing how to get out. I spent the first hour of the new year in bed crying and fantasizing about running a razor through my wrists. It might not kill me, but I feel like the release would feel so good. I didn’t even expect to live this long. To have to be alone for another year and watch everyone I know become more successful than me in every way.
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self.depression
|
I don't care about anything/anyone Maybe duplicate but I cannot see it posted anywhere and I don't give a fuck if it is, I just want to read some opinions before leaving.
First of all, I am between my 20s and 30s and I have been planning this for more than 4 years.
I happen to have hitchhiked from Western Europe to Southeast Asia and wild camping (second time running like this...) because I cannot stand my life in my city and family.
I have barely 2 friends who I often send pictures and chat random bullshit for the sake of communication.
After my first adventure many friends told theirs about me and everyone is like "oh fuck so cool I want to meet him", etc. I can meet lots of people, tell them my story, ask theirs and little more. They can't believe what I do/did/say and get excited as I am easy going as well. But they never invite me anywhere after that.
I may have some mental issues as I do not care about anything or anyone, even myself, and I do not like talking about daily nonsense so I mostly keep quite and listen to others. I've never had an structured family, I live with my grandparents since highschool, my parents separated when I was two, my father doesn't really care about me, my mother was just getting high with his boyfriend and then argue to sometimes having the police come(they even went to buy with me(at 11yo) and my brother(2yo)).
I had no authorities because my grandpas where working for 16h a day or more and I grew up doing whatever I felt like doing. Luckily it was videogames and sports, but I had not have any female friend since I was 12 so I have no abilities to what women refers and I cannot have conversations as I can with men(even those are not conversations).
I do not enjoy anything I do anymore, for 4+ years, that's why I left professional school again and before getting on the road I was just doing some sports and getting high while playing videogames for 6 months.
I have 30+ diazepam, some 20+ random pills, I will get more diazepam without prescription in SEA, maybe some DXM and kratom, will smoke some joints and drink some bottles of vodka or mojito(I like mojito :) ). All of this while in the edge of a 30+ storeys building's rooftop so there's no possibility of survival.
Have a good life and try to not commit suicide as a sudden thought or impulse.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don't know why I am so scared of getting help I've been depressed for years and its gotten progressively worse, its starting to get even more unbearable but yet I don't want to see someone to talk about it like a therapist or something, and I'm also scared to start taking meds for it if thats what it comes to, but I have no clue why.
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self.depression
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I'm wasting my money and time applying to graduate programs that I know I probably won't get in, if I dont then I'm going to kill myself [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Does anyone else get the urge to be reckless as hell with their credit cards because they’re 99% sure they won’t be around to even think about paying it back?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I can't do this anymore Life is just disappointment after disappointment. A game that is rigged against me at every turn. I've hurt so many people, burned so many bridges....
I need to die, but I'm too much of a wimp. Hopefully I get cancer or just fucking hit by a car soon.
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self.depression
|
DAE see their only value is being useful? I've always loved helping others, whether it means I'm there to talk to them and listen to their concerns, or doing something for them. It makes me feel like I'm contributing something to society, and it is especially rewarding to see when I've helped make their day better somehow. However, lately I've been feeling this is my only good quality, being a utility to others. People only keep me around and talk to me because they know I would always agree to helping them out. They tolerate all my other horrible qualities because the help is worth more to them. Recently, I sent an email to my boss (who I'm pretty close with) with an organized spreadsheet for a work task (something I had not been asked to do, and was my boss's job), and they replied telling me "You're amazing! Thanks for making everything so organized for me. You are such a gem". Comments that like sting for me rather than lift me up because they just further validate my belief that I am only a utility to others, and that if I weren't useful, they would ice me out in a second. I still try to do helpful things for others, but lately it's made me feel more horrible than good.
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self.depression
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My family's response to me reaching out Hang in there buddy 👌👌
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self.depression
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Nice, funny explanation of anxiety and mindfulness. NSFW language. I watch it every couple of weeks. It’s not a magic bullet, but it is a good reminder. https://youtu.be/X3rl5O_92Co
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self.Anxiety
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Victory Saturday, Goal Setting Sunday, and other topic threads. Hello everyone!
First off announcements:
/u/ssnakeggirl, /u/Reaper_of_Souls, and I will be taking over the Small Victory Saturday and Goal Setting Sunday posts, as well as adding a "Wellness Wednesday" with the goal of engaging the community more. I'll let /u/ssnakeggirl go into more detail about this possible thread topic.
We'd like to thank /u/Scurius for doing such a good job with the Victory and Goal setting posts.
Secondly, we would like to use this post to ask you if there any specific topics you would like to see as threads?
Let us know what you think!
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self.bipolar
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The only way I will matter to anyone in life is if I die. And even then it will only be for a day or so. I don’t have a reason to continue living. I don’t want to die, but I need to kill myself.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Something I wrote in the middle of a depression. Please let me know what y’all think, thanks [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Talking hypothetically, how would one go about writing a possible suicide note to an online friendly/and pen-pal/ and a group? But that, if I choose to not do it afterwards, that it would be so that it may not damage the relationships? And that it may not be obvious?
Little bit of info about some
Friendly is friendly and I feel I could talk to him about anything. Though I'm not sure if he likes talking or is tired of me, and I'm nervous to message him again to ask if he does or not.
Pen I started talking to recently about a common interest haven't talked to much.
Group is a group chat. Since the group is a mix of ages (someone has a little sibling), it is available to everybody. Not much has happened, heh. But if it ever does, maybe I should give them a heads up so they can find someone else to take place if needed?
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self.depression
|
Has anyone found that going for walks help anxiety or greatly improve symptoms? If so I'll try anything!
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self.Anxiety
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I'm thinking about ending it all This was supposed to be a better year for me.
I came out to some ppl. It was supposed to be exciting in the exploration of my newfound sexuality.
Very FEW good things happened.
Basically, all year I pretty much suffered.
I suffered for 5 months over the loss of an ex who stopped talking to me
And now I'm suffering over my friend having moved outta state and I really like her. I wasn't able to help her effectively or move her in. Long story.
Anyway, I'm starting to feel like every year will be shit.
That I'll never get what I want
That ppl won't listen to me or take me seriously
That things/or ppl I adore will be taken away
This might be my last year.
I can't take anymore pain.
I'm pretty done.
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self.depression
|
I'm visiting someone in the hospital who used to sexually harass me in high school, possibly just to see them suffer. I hate hospitals. They give me anxiety, make me nauseous and give me intense feelings of PTSD. I only ever go if someone I truly love and care about is there or if there is an emergency situation with myself. Other than that, there is no way anyone is getting this girl into a hospital. At least that's what I thought until someone I truly hated was there.
I was in cross country and track throughout high school and was the captain of both for about 3 years. Although I had social anxiety, I was confident enough to gain respect from my teams and confident enough to lead a group of people to do something great with their bodies. I think that along with one other club I helped run were the only things I genuinely liked in highschool. This is where he comes in. I'll call him Juan.
So there's a tall Juan and a small, quiet and pathetic Juan. We were all freshmen when we joined cross country and Small Juan was super quiet for that whole year. When Tall Juan pulled him under his wing he got this pathetic confidense to say and do offensive things then meekly go back to being quiet and nervous so no one could get mad at him. This went on for three years and I hated it. I was pretty good teammates with Tall Juan and we ran together nearly every other day but Small Juan was just the worst to me.
He took a chance one day and said something vulgar to me then slapped my ass. I punched him in the chest out of shock and all I could remember was everyone laughing at how funny that was and how pathetic he looked. I didn't think it was funny at all but it was all I could do at the time to save face. I knew that he was just doing it for attention but it went on for three years. Three years of dealing with "Do you wanna fuck" "Look at your ass"and "I never had sex with a Black girl before". It never destroyed me or anything. It was more of a serious annoying itch I couldn't scratch. I lost all modes of empathy and grew to hate him. I haven't neccesarily thought of him since. That is until Tall Juan tasked me to come to the hospital to visit him.
Apparently Small Juan had a stroke and lost complete function of his left side. Tall Juan has been visiting him every day to translate things to his family and today they will be draining his brain of fluid apparently. The thing is, I don't know if this is a joke or not. They both have a history of playing tricks on me in the past and I honestly don't know if this is a joke or not. I would usually use logic and just not go, but the prospect of seeing him suffer seems like it would be appealing. That and I have a long history of feeling guilt over not doing enough for people before they pass away so theres still that slight senmelance of compassion.
It's all very confusing and frustrating. That's basically all. I'm just here at work, waiting for time to be up for I can head over to a guy who triggered my PTSD for three years only to trigger it again after 4.
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self.offmychest
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i feel so traumatized i was born a son to my dad, a local politician, and my mom, currently working in a company's administration department. i had a really odd childhood. i remember being very quiet and calm, but also very angry. my mom used to spoil me a lot, she bought me everything i wanted and always let me win in games we played together. i didn't know what frustration was for the longest time, and was really used to always get what i wanted, and when that wasn't the case i'd get really angry, and i mean really angry, not just a normal child tantrum. i probably learned this from my mom, who gets angry and shouts at everything, even the most insignificant of things, she's been this way since i can remember.
my classmates back in kindergarten used to make fun of me and i would get so angry and that would amuse them so they'd bully me more, then i'd go to the teacher so he/she would scold them for bullying me which made them hate me and bully me even more. i hated it. i was extremely serious-minded, and even the slightest joke against me made me scream with anger. my only friend was this kid (who is still my friend today) who at one point started bullying me too in order to get along with the other kids this made me slowly get away from all my classmates and i'd always be alone in break time. i hated breaks because i'd be so bored and it would be embarrassing to be alone, to be the kid with no friends. at age 3 i used a computer for the first time, and it became my world. i had no social life basically, and lived inside my virtual world, barely ever went out of the house. all of this lasted throughout all of primary and middle school. my dad was never really present, as he was with my mom but didn't live with us because of his job, and left my mom when i was 12, after which i never saw him very often again. my problems with anger persisted as the years passed by, and started hating going to school more and more each passing day. anxiety also started being a big problem for me, and still persists to this day. i've always felt like i was the weird kid and constantly desired to be like everyone else, to be accepted by others, to not be bullied and/or ignored by my peers.
this is the small bit that i remember from my childhood, because i've forgotten most of it. i really believe that it was really traumatizing. i am 18 now and i've figured out that all these things are what made me develop into a lazy, depressed, angry, empty shell of a human being. later in life i'd find many, many friends who would later abandon me (or so i would think from their actions) which, combined with my dad's abandonment, made me develop a deep fear of being abandoned. the fact that i was so spoiled as a kid and so used to instant, effortless gratification, since i always had good grades and was constantly praised for it plus the internet which was my easy way to entertain myself without having to socialize, has made me unable to make an effort for anything. also my lack of socializing made me into the most introverted kid ever, which is something i have just been able to get over slowly since i was 16 and started going to parties and whatnot. when i was 14, i came to the philosophical realization that life is meaningless and that nothing i do actually matters in any way, which also triggered more depressive symptoms in me as time passed.
all of this has also caused me a lot of trouble with substance abuse. i discovered marijuana at 15 and since then became an addict, smoking every single day, even when it started being damaging to me and made me have serious problems with my parents (mostly my mom). i also started going to parties and getting fucked up on alcohol and smoking cigarettes pretty much every weekend. at 17 i got into psychedelics and had near death experiences with certain drugs like 25i-NBOMe due to my irresponsible use of these substances. i've thankfully stopped smoking weed, so far i've been clean for 7 days and going strong (hopefully).
i am currently in psychiatric treatment, i take 150mg bupropion and 100mg lamotrigine every day, which was prescribed to me as a way to boost my mood, concentration, and energy, since one of the main symptoms of my depression was the fact that i felt completely demotivated and unwilling to do anything, plus excessively sleepy every single day regardless of how much i slept. i was also in therapy for two years until i decided to stop going to it since it was starting to becoming a nuisance and seemed more and more useless to me as time went by.
i don't know what to do. i feel empty, anxious and depressed but most of all i feel completely traumatized. it's like all these uncomfortable and sad memories of my childhood still linger in my subconscious and hurt me, but at the same time i can't remember 99% of them, like they're a ghost that's haunting me constantly but at the same time it becomes invisible so i can't fight against it. i've felt this way since i was 12 (although back then i didn't really know why) and it started getting significantly worse around a year ago. i get angry at the smallest things just like my mom does. i want to feel better, i want to be a normal person. i feel like I have a mental handicap, an illness that i just can't fight against. the mental states i get into have started going out of my own control and make me do the stupidest shit. i've cried myself to sleep countless times by now and ripped entire shirts to shreds because of my anger bursts. help me, please, i'm starting to run out of options. it's only a matter of time before my spontaneous desires to kill myself eventually become a reality.
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self.depression
|
I spent the last nine years of my life unhappy. I'm done. Since I was 14 years old, I was incredibly unhappy. I spent nine years of my life struggling with depression, and the last four or five with severe anxiety. I was suicidal for a very long time, acting only once. I've been in hospitals, spent lots of time on countless different meds, cut myself open almost everywhere, and living in constant fear of even being alone because I thought I'd try again.
I still have bad days. But I'm out of that spot completely. Sometimes I get afraid, or sad, or even depressed, but tonight, even without meds, I can lay in bed, going to sleep, completely happy with how my life is shaping out. My life is very, very far from perfect. But I don't need that. I'm not unhappy anymore.
There is hope for you, even if you're at the bottom. Don't give up, life can surprise you.
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self.offmychest
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Goal Setting Sunday 10.29.17 What do you hope to achieve this week? Let's set some goals and work towards progress together. Also, do you have any plans for halloween? I'm thinking of dressing up as a hipster. I'm constantly wearing flannel and have grown a beard, so I figure it'll be low effort.
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self.bipolar
|
After years of being depressed, I finally sought help. For many years, I've kept everything bottled up inside, thinking that depression is just the way I am supposed to be.
I've always been known as the quiet and reserved kid. This has made it easy to hide the symptoms from friends, family and girlfriend. Depression crept into my life and I embraced it as my new identity.
Long story short, I experienced a pretty bad mental breakdown two weeks ago. My girlfriend decided to leave, my self-image crumbled into pieces and I realized that depression cannot be my pal anymore.
All this may sound ridiculous to people who have never experienced depression. I wish it was a joke, but that's how things went for me. I never sought help, always convinced that suffering was my normal state of being and that I needed to show strength.
Mental health has never been a topic of conversation in my family. It's been tough to swallow my pride and overcome the fear, but I've started going to therapy and I'm taking meds. I've also decided to open up with my family and friends.
Years of being depressed have had a debilitating effect on my social skills. I've hurt many people throughout the years and I've hurt myself. Despite all of this, I still have some the strength for some final words:
"I've learned a lot from you, Depression. However, it's time for me to move on and take control over my life!"
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self.depression
|
A Letter to Myself You often feel worthless, and disgusting. You feel as if you have no one there for you, which is such a pity.
You lack moral, and you don't care for yourself the way others do. People care, they ask how your doing. You with a smile on your face, say you're fine. It's anything but, the smile is less so, and more of a mask.
You're so melancholy. You often write how broken and hollow you are. You hate when you're sober, you even tried and getting help with the constant substance abuse.
You feel betrayed by your loved ones. Because of the awful things they did. "We all make mistakes" you're told, but you can't find it in yourself to forgive them.
You feel so lonely, so secluded. Trapped in your own mind, spiraling into a sort of subterfuge. You lie to yourself everyday. "I won't get better" "I'm so broken" "I'll always be alone.
You still have so much life to live, yet you are willing to throw that all away because you're having a hard time. You hold that blade, slicing your thin skin. You do this, crying, until you find yourself so tired and so anxious that you just fall asleep
Little do you know--this is just the beginning
Little do you know, you have so much time. So many good times are upon you and you have to see that.
Little do you know, you're not broken, you're growing. You're slowly fixing yourself.
Little do you know your life is already great, and you need to stop seeing it behind a bottle.
Little do you know alcohol isn't fixing anything. It's making things worse.
Little do you know, people love you. People care and want to see you doing well. Despite you lying to them, they know your struggling.
Little do you know, even with all the stupid mental disorders you have, everything is going to be okay.
Little do you know, your mother still loves you, and is terribly sorry for everything she has done.
Little do you know you will resurface into a wonderful person.
But it will take time, and it may not seem like it, but you have a lot of that. So hold out, just a little longer so you can see what I want you to. I know holding out is hard, but you can do it because you're strong. You can overcome depression, anxiety, stress, with flying colors. Because, you are you. You are beautiful, strong, and amazing. You are loved, and can do this. I hope you can get this all through your thick skull, you beautiful loser.
Sincerely, yourself.
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self.offmychest
|
So fucking tired of everyday life Everyday is just the same, I don't want to keep dealing with this shit over and over again
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self.depression
|
As soon as i have fun. It hits again the reminder that i'm pathetic.
I sit alone in my room playing video games i'm happy for a second.
Then it hits me again, i have bad grades no matter how hard i study, i never talk to anyone even though i try to, all my friends abandoned me, people at school hate me, i'm bullied and i never know what to do.
I try to tell people i need help parents/teachers
and nothing happens if i ever raise my voice or argue im in trouble.
And they hold it over my head.
Example: I fell asleep in class every teacher in my classes remind me of it almost everyday it happened 2 years ago.
What the fuck is wrong with me i fucking cry myself to sleep every night
To wake up to absolute hell.
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self.depression
|
I'm constantly thinking of all of the "worst case scenarios" that could be happening, and it's haunting me [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Might lose my daughter The fear is hitting me hard that my fiancee is planning to move out of town. With or without me. I told her I don't want to move away from the city we live in, but my opinion doesn't seem to matter and she's still looking for a place. Plus friends are coming to me on her plans, and she doesn't seem to want to talk to me about them.
My relationship at best is currently unstable.
I'm currently on her Welfare file as a dependant meaning all the money comes in under her name, so I got nothing to pay for to fight for my daughter.
It feels like her family hates me if they are putting this idea in her ear as she's out of town with them currently.
I don't want to get friends in the middle of this, it's not their fight/problem. But I need to talk with more people about it to figure out what I'm going to try to do.
|
self.depression
|
The Feeling of Wanting to Die. Today's the third day I abruptly stopped my medication. There was a change in my medication that gave me constant panic attacks and difficulty breathing for two days. I put a stop to it by not taking the medication and here I am today with all these thoughts consuming me. I keep telling myself I am okay but tears are streaming down my face and deep down I know I am not okay. I want to die... Please help me...
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I asked a girl for the first time So im a pretty shy guy, and have never approached a girl but there was this girl in store who was really pretty, I went up to her and complimented her, she giggled and I asked for her number but she said no lol, doesn't sound like much but I'm just not afraid of approaching and flirting etc. Like before
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self.offmychest
|
Does anyone work third shift hours just to have more freedom and purposely deal with less people? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
2 weeks into the new year … and it's already starting to become the worst yet.
Next Thursday I'll have an exam deciding on my career at University (if I fail I either have to leave or at the very least repeat the year), a good friend from my studies told me he was not gonna take the exam and instead ask for permission to repeat the year voluntarily (meaning I'm in this on my own now, and also if I make it I'll basically lose him, and if I don't, we'll probably not end up in the same groups again). He told me not to be sad, which probably made me even sadder.
I couldn't handle that kinda sadness, so I took to Drugs, which usually helps me lift my spirits for at least a few hours. But it did nothing, even after Xanax, Ketamine, and Alcohol, I was only a little dizzy but not at all better.
I keep thinking of texting him, telling him how sad I am, but honestly it won't change a thing, and I guess it would be rude of me as well, kinda feels like faulting him for my misery, although it is definitely my own fault (shouldn't have gotten attached, and shouldn't have failed).
Also, I have to keep this a secret, since obviously I'm not the only other person studying what we're studying, meaning I can't even clear my mind for a second. (Hence, I'm writing here.)
I kinda look forward to Thursday, 'cause of course life will go on, and at least I won't be trapped inside this nightmarish Schrödinger's box where every possible outcome is terrible (although my escape obviously just means that one of the two terrible outcomes comes true, but still, at least not the other one).
But what I wish for most, is for this to be over. Any way, I don't want to live through this all. If that means dying, or just falling asleep for like 60 years, I don't know and I don't care, but I really don't want to endure this anymore.
As always, thanks for listening to my fucked up life, have a better day than I do!
|
self.depression
|
Can't find work and want to die Graduated with a Physics B.Sc. last year and left my masters program a few months ago as I was not enjoying the research and wasn't doing the work needed to get it done because of my disinterest. Been looking for work since. I've applied to 60 places so far, each with a tailored resume and most with a cover letter. I've have had 5 interviews, and none of them have given me offers. 1 place gave me a verbal offer so I rejected offers to local part time jobs as I was expecting to get the job, but then they sent me an email saying they were pursuing another applicant. They can go fuck themselves. Another company had me go through 3 rounds of interviews where the last round they had me meeting with the team and team leader I'd be working with and the HR manager and I thought it went really well, only for them to send me an email saying they as well were pursuing another applicant. I'm fairly close to just giving up at this point. I don't think I'm meant to work and be self sufficient. God is just up there laughing at my misfortune. Well fuck you God. I tried praying, fasting, reading the bible, repenting for my sins, in desperation so that He'd guide me to a job and it lead fucking no where. I'm just an inside joke up there in heaven and God and all His angels are just laughing at my inability to find work and complete lack of understanding what's wrong with me and what I need to do to just fucking support myself. Am I in hell? Is this world designed specifically to make me struggle in such a way that I think I have control and can succeed only for everything to backfire? Why the fuck can't I find work. I feel entitled to it after all these years of working hard for a degree that I was originally interested in. I have programming experience, personal side projects on a github page, a lot of internships. What the fuck is wrong with me? I just want to end it. I'm so close to being done. If I can't support myself and I have to leech off my parents and eventually society, then isn't the world better off without me? What the fuck do I need to do, prove to the world, to show that I am a hard worker and can provide value to a company? Why can everyone else find work so easily, all my friends, siblings, peers, colleagues, but I'm struggling so damn fucking hard to get anything? Why won't anyone hire me? Do I need to suck a CEOs dick? Because I'd gladly swallow anyone's cum if they'd give me a job. Do I need to cut off my limbs? If it meant I'd get a full time job with benefits and the ability to support myself and a family, I'd gladly remove every non-vital organ from me. I fantasize about going down to the lake late at night and just swimming as far as I can until I can no longer swim. Or taking my car down the wrong way on the highway and closing my eyes. Or covering myself in black clothing and laying on the train tracks late at night. Anything to escape this waking nightmare.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Overwhelming feeling of sadness I just feel so sad it physically hurts. I'm at work right now and I just want to curl up into a ball. I just wanted to at least type out what I am feeling 😔
|
self.depression
|
Finally starting to recover, and I'm really happy. Please note the following post contains a semi-nauseating amount of optimism! :P (also CN: SI and SH)
Over the last year, I've largely begun to recover from the worst of my depressive and hypomanic (and one manic) episodes. This is mostly thanks to my awesome pdoc, and a butt-load of lamictal :P Little by little, I'm returning to some semblance of normalcy (for me at least).
It's been great watching myself become me again; I'm back to being my old anti-social, super-duper-autistic (do have ASD lol, not being too silly here!) and generally happy self. It's a bit different to what I expected, I completely forgot what I was like before the more serious episodes set in and my ASD symptoms becoming more obvious has been both a surprise, and a delight.
I'm comfortable not attempting to be neurotypical again, I'm sticking to my strict routines and avoiding social situations as much as I possibly can, and I feel pretty damn great for it.
I'm not going to pretend that I don't still have bad days (or terrifyingly good days!), but I'm honestly glad that I've made it to where I am, and I believe that I can keep going. I understand that there'll likely be relapses, but I'm willing to face them now. This time last year, I was recovering from an attempt. 6 months ago was the last time I self-harmed. I've managed to largely forgive myself for a lot of the bad memories I've been hanging on to from a year ago, and it's made my life a lot easier.
I still need to work on a lot of stuff about myself socially (I'm a university student and unfortunately won't be able to completely avoid social situations forever) and for my transition (I'm transgender) but I'm not afraid anymore. I've been lucky enough to have a really good friend who stuck with me through this (I lost a couple of people, especially during the worst of my SH issue) and I'm incredibly grateful for her. My parents have done their best to help me through it, and they've learned how to support me during my worst times.
I guess that I'm just really thankful. I'm thankful that I tried, that I had a few good people that cared about me. I'm thankful that by a complete coincidence (the pdoc I was meant to see got ill, so they found me a different one) that I found a pdoc who knew exactly what to do to help repair my brain.
So yup, silly happy post; just because this time last year I was posting some suuuuper depressing shit lol.
|
self.bipolar
|
myys issiter is ngoone i hcouldnt sav her from him i lned be with her i mis u sis i be here soon sis i do it for yuo ou to be with you i be ther soon i kno you be ok be yby bouyself but i mis you so umuch it al lhis fault i see you soon like we sued to watch movie we can it ado it again lik e befor when iu ou oyu sused to cuddle my amr when ou were scared i miss that
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I don't know how to feel about cutting her off A little over a month ago, I blocked a former friend on facebook and deleted her from my friend list. I started to feel like an excuse for when she just wanted to do something and didn't want to do it alone, so it felt like a chore to go places with her, and she would only do stuff she knew she liked, and it was impossible to get her to try new things. I then decided that I was better off without her, so blocked her on messenger and facebook, without telling her.
I really feel like I was holding on to a barely satisfactory friend because I for a long time I had didn't have that many friends, but now I have good friends, and even a GF.
I really don't know how to feel, she was treating me like someone to keep her company during what she enjoys, and someone to talk to about something that I found mind numbingly boring, but I should also have treated her with the amount of respect that a human being derserserves.
|
self.offmychest
|
Knowing that everyone is having fun without me makes me want to kill myself
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My soul mate's mental health Hey everyone. I was on my partner's computer and I saw the following text written in an inconspicuous document from the last time we were separated. We've been together a little over a year and a half and only briefly broken up twice due to issues with our similar difficulties with sexuality. These difficulties have driven us apart at times due to our inability to fill each others' needs and while we love each other very much, might still do it again someday. The problem is, neither of us want to ever be with anyone else since everything else about our relationship works like a well oiled machine, and my partner's state of mind has deteriorated due to difficulties with her estranged family and lost friends so I'm now the only real person she has in her life. I'm scared for her, myself, of the future, and couldn't bear to lose her should anything ever happen between us. Please read the following text and help me figure out what to do?
To give you context, I'm 21F, she's almost 23F, we're both living in my previously abusive parents' house where I grew up after having financial difficulties where we used to live.
"I can't really pin the reason why I still stand. Why I still faintly breath, and carry on like everything is A-OK is a mystery to me. I have nothing left to hold on to. I have no motivation to continue living. Nothing is driving me to strive, or to even try to get somewhere better. Each day is merely as slog through shit. A constant rerun of the thought burned into my brain. I'll never be happy. Self fulfilling prophecy or no, I can just feel it. I expect it. It's almost at this point a fact. I can't go anywhere in life. I won't make something of myself. I won't have a partner to suffer with, and will only ever be on my own from here on out. All I have is my cat, and surely she deserves a better mother than I could ever possibly be. I'm too broken. Too incapable of maintaining stability. I find myself crying more often, and self harm has returned to being another ritual in my life that I had hoped I would be able to do without. I have nary a positive thought left. Now all that fills my mind is negativity, and worst case scenarios. The only light left in my mind is faint, is merely but daydreams of things that will never happen in this reality. Each day I find myself edging ever closer to the inevitability of death. Now, that seems like something everybody experiences, but in my eyes, it's much closer than your average Joe or Jane would perceive it. Every step I take is a leap for the end. I'm just not sure how much longer I can withstand the torment of merely existing. Someday, soon, I'll snap, and that will be that. I don't know how I'll go out, but I'm sure I'll probably stick to something at least somewhat peaceful. I'll certainly BE somewhere peaceful, I hope.
I have no one left that I can safely say I would have any regrets if I were to just up and vanish without a trace. Not even her. I find that sometimes my mind drifts elsewhere, when we converse. And in the instance it happens, I manage to demoralize myself even further, as I realize that I'm suddenly dreaming of impossibilities between us. Ideas that will never happen in this reality, or the next. No matter how I look at it, we will likely never be compatible with each other. And I just can't accept that. I'll never find another person like her, and that alone is enough to keep me from ever trying again, because, so far, I've yet to meet another human being that was as kind and caring as she was. She is still, in many ways, my soul mate. But, even as such, we'll never be together as we want to. Because, my insatiable, impossible needs will always be the dividing factor between us.
"I can't do this anymore. I'm so tired. Of everything. Why am I still here? I don't want to do this anymore."
These thoughts are a constant within the confines of my subconscious. I will, at some point in every day, often on multiple occasions, think, or say this aloud to myself. She seems to think I can be helped... She doesn't know me. At least... my innermost thoughts. She firmly believes that my brain can be trained to conform to a set of philosophies that will help me see the world in a different light. I see this reasoning as equating my mind to that of a simple minded animal that can be taught a trick. No amount of positive words, motivational speech, or positive encouragement is going to help me. It's very likely, that neither will meds, as she recently suggested. Anti depressants have a 1/3 chance of working for me. The odds of me either getting worse, or only marginally better are far more likely. That is enough to stave me off of consideration. It seems, like essentially every endeavor I've strived for, fruitless, and an unnecessary waste of effort. I have very little effort left, and I would rather expend it on something more pressing than shoving a fistful of pills down my gullet."
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self.SuicideWatch
|
seriously thinking about suicide after work Background:
21F
I have binge eating/purging issues and I'm on the heavier side of my disorder right now being 5' 2" and 185 lbs. I've been rejected from relationships so many times because of my weight and I can't seem to stop binging and restricting.
I make very little money about $1200 a month and barely survive because of my medical expenses that I pay out of pocket. My mother is crazy, and continually tells me that there is no hope for this world. She used to hit and yell at me and I have anxiety panic attacks and depression, but I can't get help for them because I don't qualify for insurance.
I'm a web dev person and net neutrality is slowly killing me because I wanted to grow my freelancing business and travel the world but I don't have enough money to do most anything. My grandmother is dying and my father is a deadbeat who never calls.
Everything else is dying - the world we're killing and the US government wants to take away our rights now, so why not slit my throat?
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self.depression
|
Can someone please help me die If you have access to a firearm or any other quick way to kill myself with, please hmu. I don't have access to anything and I don't want to live.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
So 30 and a virgin. I’ve been thinking lately about hiring an escort. I’m 30 and have never been on a date, kissed a girl, or even held hands with one. My thinking is that at this rate I’ll die alone and a virgin and that an escort is my only option. I also wonder if it would stop me from being so embarrassed about sex and girls in general if I get rid of my virginity. Any thoughts?
Edit: I think, after reading all the comments, I’ve decided to wait. Though I might hire an escort to at the very least practice going out with and being around girls. Thanks for all the input.
|
self.depression
|
Loving someone with depression is painfully hard. Does it ever get easier?
|
self.depression
|
How do you get your confidence back? For the last 2 years, I've been stuck in a loop.
I want to regain my confidence back! That's it! I hate how I am always scared to do new things or get back into old habits. My boyfriend has been nothing, but supportive, but I can't see that sometimes and I feel that really hurts him.
He believes in me so much and all I want to do is believe in myself too! I don't know how to get out of my own head. Once I feel that tightness in my chest, I know I am going to spiral down and I absolutely hate it.
I want something different so bad, but I am so afraid for some reason. I feel like I can never have what I want anymore.
What are some motivating tips or advice would you have for someone like me?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Just cannot get up in the morning Hi everyone. So for many years I've had the same issue that has held me back both personally and in the world of work... I just can't get up in the morning.
This all started when I was 18 (about 8 years ago) but has been compounded by various antipsychotics I've been on in the last decade. I'm currently on Latuda and low dose Seroquel and the Seroquel in particular is making my sleep cycle worse, despite being on the XR preparation.
I'm really looking for help here on techniques to improve my sleep cycle and help me get up in the morning. I will add I'm currently a nursing student and work shifts, often not finishing till 9pm and starting around 8am, so it's quite erratic. Any help or advice you all can give me would be hugely appreciated.
|
self.bipolar
|
Why does my anxiety make me cry? As soon as I start to feel anxious, I can’t breathe and start hyperventilating before breaking down in tears. Every time.
My managers are aware of my depression and anxiety and are very supportive but I’m worried my constant crying whenever something stressful happens will make them think I’m pathetic and not worth employing.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Questions in regards to quitting smoking I posted this over at the Schizoaffective but thought it couldn't hurt to seek advice and what not here too.
So I have decided to make the life changing jump and try to quit smoking. I have been a smoker for the better part of the last 20 years and know this is going to be a tough habit to break. I will be using the Trans-dermal Patch to help and hope that this method is the one that works.
For those who have quit I have a few questions.
1. what type of support system if any did you put in place?
2. How did the manage the triggers for smoking?
3. How long did it take for the cravings to lessen?
4. Did quitting make your symptoms worse?
I am very afraid that the stress of quitting might trigger an episode of either mania or psychosis. Also any tips and tricks would be greatly appreciated.
|
self.bipolar
|
People in my life will be better off without me I think it is truly time to finally give up and end this miserable existence. I wake up every single morning to start the process that my brain goes through every day. It is painful being stuck with this brain, worry, anger, depression, mood swings, lonely, irritable, anxious, suicidal, regret. The only time I get some peace is when I sleep. I am 29yrs old, suffering from BPD and a host of other mental health problems. I have a fiance I put through hell with mental and physical abuse. He tries his hardest not to let things affect him, but I know he is no longer happy and could live the life he truly wants without me. An ex boyfriend that tries so hard to still make me happy no matter what I put him through as well. But doesn't there come a point in time that you are done with putting everyone through never ending pain and misery? I know when I kill myself it will be hard on a total of 2 people. I know that after a while they will get over the pain of my suicide and will no longer have to worry about me anymore.
I don't have an exact date yet, but I know how I want to do it. This will be my final act of pain for those that care about me. But in the end we will all be better off.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I don't want to die, I just want the pain to stop I've experience ton of beautiful things in the past, I had friends, a perfect and beautiful girlfriend that was meant to be my wife. I had happy days.
She dumped me in august and didn't even try to fix things. Now the woman I shared everything with, loved more than anybody on this earth, and still love to this day, doesn't even answer my texts.
I don't care about anything anymore, I don't enjoy anything. I'm empty inside. I go to work, go to the gym, sleep and repeat. I have no friends, nobody to talk to, my family isn't supportive at all. It's just pure fucking void. All the things I used to love are feeling "meh" now. I tried to get help, only made things worse.
Loneliness is fucking killing me, I don't have any faith to do anything beside complaining and crying. I don't want to kill myself, but I think about it all the time. I wish I knew what to do to feel better. I have no meaning in my life, nobody fucking care about me.
I've been so happy in the past, I feel I will never be happy like that again. I'm 26, I have a good situation, looks great and I think I'm a pretty decent person, but I just don't care anymore, my head is too fucked up, fuck this life I'm out
Now back to crying..
|
self.depression
|
I think I might shoot myself on Christmas in front of my girlfriend I won't write a note or anything. I won't do anything to suggest that I was planning to kill myself.
I am not trans!
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I need help. Can someone teach me how to do things? I'm serious. I can't do things anymore.
Every now and then I realise how little I'm actually doing with my life and I'll make a list. Not a particularly big or challenging list, it'll usually be something like:
* Clean my room
* Meditate for 10 minutes
* Get a haircut
* Register with a dentist
I'll write out all the reasons why I want to do those things and the benefits they will give me. And then ... I don't know, I just get distracted and end up rewatching Bojack Horseman. I'll think about getting up and I'll say, "Ok Sam. Time to get up. Step 1 is standing up. You can stand up, all you need to do is extend your legs!" But then something inside of me says no and all of a sudden I've started a new MTW2 campaign.
So then I think, ok it's too challenging a list. You have depression Sam. Be kind to yourself. Start smaller. And I'll write a less ambitious list.
* Put your dirty clothes in a pile.
* Meditate for 60 seconds.
* Find a hairstyle you like.
* Google 'dentists near me'.
And ... nothing happens. I finish the list and 60 seconds later the list has been forgotten about.
It's getting worse. Each day I lose a little more energy. Each day I'm less able to do things. Is this learned helplessness? They're not difficult tasks. I know all the steps I need to follow to achieve them. But I just can't seem to force myself to do them. There's some kind of mental block.
For a long time my depression came out as resentful and angry at the world. Now I'm just angry at myself. I feel like a broken man. Unable to change.
How do you do things? I asked my CBT counsellor this question once and she said, "how do you make a cup of tea? You just do it - you don't need to think *how* to do it, you just do it."
When she said that I was like, "whoa, that's so zen". It sounded so wise. And then I went home, thought about what she had said, and did nothing.
Am I just lazy?
|
self.depression
|
Today I believe in myself. From a very early age, I suffered from low self-esteem. I rarely ever expressed my beliefs or opinions or thoughts because I mostly didn't believe they were worth hearing.
I've restrained myself my whole life. 2017 was the year I put my confidence first and I dug deep down and tried to figure out where I had misplaced it. Where was the one thing that made me whole?
I often put facts, truth, logic, being right and trying to be right by others above my own personal ego.
Now I see I must have my own personality of my own, I must express myself passionately and not be afraid of being right. I must own my life and all my actions.
Today I believe in myself. Not just a decision to believe, but it is the culmination of realizing that I do believe in myself.
I believe in me.
|
self.offmychest
|
Maybe this is the night Two shots down, a bleeding wrist and letter half written. A wasted life, and a fucked up kid. Maybe this is the night that I finally say fuck it, and the night that I finally go through with one of the many plans that I have.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
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