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I fucking hate my brother. He is a worthless piece of shit. You fooled around with the girl I was dating. I had to break up with her, because I knew at the end of the day, I could never marry her. I could never trust her.. or a piece of shit like you.
You said you would step back and you didn't.. You continued to pursue, even after I kissed her, dated her, even slept with her..
I have to see you every fucking day and you get no consequences of what you did. I'm told to get over it because we're "brothers". I'm disgusted that we share the same blood.
You're such a coward.
I want to hit you in the fucking face.
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self.offmychest
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Forgetting to take meds Once in a while I forget to take my medications (Lamictal and Lexapro), which I take in the mornings. I always notice within just a few hours that I start to get dizzy, light headed, tired, "fuzzy", it's such an uncomfortable feeling, (almost unbearable).
Does anyone else have a similar physiological reaction, and in such a short amount of time? Is there any explanation for having such a strong reaction to missing a single dose?
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self.bipolar
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Gun range suicide? Ill be at a gun range soon, does anyone know if they have anything to stop you from turning the gun on yourself? Ive never been, but i may have my chance.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I feel like de-activate my Facebook. Should I do it? I don't even use my Facebook, I only use it for messenger. Only time I go on Facebook is like once a week to check my notifications.
Question: if I remove my Facebook can I still use Messenger app?
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self.Anxiety
|
I applied for a job but messed it up. I just applied for my first job but I think I accidentally put in false information and I have no idea how. I feel like such a failure and I haven’t found anyway to fix it. I just had a panic attack and my mom and dad yelled at me and I think they’re fighting now. I’m such an idiot. I can’t even fill out a job application form. I thought I read everything correctly. I’m so scared that they’ll hate me for accidentally lying and then other companies will find out and I’ll never get a job. I’m so scared. I need a job so badly. Life sucks and all I want to do is die right now. I’m still crying and trying to calm my breathing. :(
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self.offmychest
|
I don't know what to do or if I need to do anything I just want to know if I'm depressed or just some form of crazy. I find my self talking at no one after remembering random parts in time when I wished I
could've changed what I've said and I just start thinking out loud not caring if the
people outside my window or my aunt with her friends right next the other room is even
hearing me or those living with me, I also do find myself doing this when again I'm in my room
and see something that I have a strong opinion on IDK if this has any correlation.
I found also that I'm a paradox I find myself hating the world, having no care what happens
to it even thinking about smiling in the thought of watching people killing themselves
or me killing them but the next day I feel hope and optimism well up from me but return again
the next day.
I've lost sight of who I am after trying to imprint characters in certain medias being as they
are the only role models I have in my possesion and because I feel so distant from my parents
- The other one literally and metaphorically the other just metaphorically. Now I really just
don't know if I should be optimistic or cynic.
I'm alone at school and at home well not literally but its not like nobody there isn't fucked
up like me but I just don't feel like I can connect to people- I can't even look them straight in
the eyes and talk properly.
I wanna get better but I always return to my distractions ( eating,browsing the net, hating
everything and eventually liking them again then returning, and some other stuff I'd like not to
mention)I do think its just a lack of care and reason because if I'm building up to something
I think "What's the point of building when you know nothing matters and its just a means to an
end." -which I also think is a distraction and a poor excuse but I also thought that because I thought
working hard at school,getting a diploma,then a job, possibly a family so that I could have a kid to
do the same shit over and over again up until we just meet some end
I've also once when I was at a moment in my life where I found one of my family member crying
and hurt I cried but in amidst of my crying I thought "Why am I crying, I'm not sad nor hurt
nor do I feel anything right now". This always happens when I cry, I shed a couple of tears
experiencing a tiny bit of emotion then I revert to stopping completely.
I've thought of killing myself a couple of times and I don't know if I'm afraid or hollow
I just feel a sort of nothing and it doesn't help when I think of nothing and no one when reviewing it in my head if there is any reason
I shouldn't kill myself.
I'm Agnostic and This is the only thing I can turn to anymore, I've got no one here I can talk
to but I'm still surviving the soul crushingness of modern life.
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self.depression
|
My life will probably end in a suicide I don't know about you but I find life extremely boring and depressing. We're literally here to study, have breakdowns because of studying, all because of an empty promise of a good job. Then we work until we die. What the serious fuck is this?
I absolutely abhorr studying, I'm horrible at it, I can't fucking stand it. When I entered college I almost fell into a deep depression because it's just isn't my place, I don't belong in a school. Then, if I ever get my degree and get a job, I'll probably be even more miserable because everyone tells me that "work is way worse than studying".
My questions are: why am I alive for? Isn't death a better fate than 60+ years of misery? If my life turns out to be a piece of shit like this, I'll kill myself before I even turn 30, there's no point in living a miserable life like this.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
R/depressed largely based on loneliness but cant bond with most people Currently dual enrollment in college (16) and im wondering what i can do to establish friendships. Im introverted but there are times when i crave human connection and i feel as if theres a cage between me and everyone else. I havent had a close relationship for almost a year (with my ex) my biggest issue is i generally cant bond with anyone likely because my interests are a bit niche for my age ? (politics , art , language study etc) . I *want* friendships, or love (connection) but cant really keep up any small talk probably because of low iq or social intelligence. If i try to contribute to a conversation its usually awkward if i say more than two words. If i suggest a topic ive noticed that im usually dismissed or ignored.
I have anxiety about my intelligence and memory because ive lost expensive things like phones etc low self esteem and hatred for my clumsiness, and body aswell. I get sweaty around large groups . I probably dont give a positive aura to people and thats why im avoided? Should i use percocet ? Does anyone else have similar experiences ? Tips ?
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self.depression
|
My parents now know... both of the CAMHS workers ive been with came and had a meeting with my mum and myself today.
She now knows im actively suicidal and knows everything pretty much apart from my self harm. Talking about it made me angry and i cried, dispite me hating to say it. I did.
I dont know how i feel now, i feel ive scapegoated onto my parents and now they have to worry and be anxious that ill kill myself, they now think theyre terrible parents and will be scarred that their eldest son is suicidal.
I thought id feel better after telling them. I just really, really want to die now. Its crazy how every day i say its impossible to feel more suicidal than this, then the next day comes and i find myself on the losing side of that bet
|
self.depression
|
Strange day The stress and anxiety from triggered on the plane triggered a odd up and down cycle. I had been mostly meh or down all winter break but then after having an internal panic attack during airport security checks I paced back and forth throughout the terminal went to a food stand spent 15 dollars on a pizza and a hot pocket thing. Silently debated with myself on whether or not I should steal a piece of cheese pizza because I didn't want to pay for it then I got really angry for really no reason ranted to myself about people for a bit and then felt terrible and self pity because I got mocked two days ago.Then I hoped on the plane fell asleep and woke up in a relatively okay mood again. Anyone else have any similar experiences I'm also unmedicated though.
|
self.bipolar
|
When did you realize you had depression? I ask because I feel like I might be depressed and I guess I struggle with what exactly the “definition” of depression is. But I always seem to talk myself out of it with “But I’m not sad.” “I have nothing to be sad about.” Yet I feel like I’m not myself.
I struggle with a consistent sleep pattern, sometimes I sleep way too late, sometimes not at all. I strive to be productive but there are many times I don’t accomplish anything in a day. I feel lazy and useless at times even though that’s not how I want to be. I’m not sad...I’m just there. The thought of going out in public and doing something outside my house feels almost like a chore...so many times I stay home and don’t leave my house for days. I want to have a clean house without all the clutter but I have a hard time doing that. At times it causes me anxiety with how much I have to do and so I just don’t do it because I’m overwhelmed.
I feel like all these things point to me being depressed but I have a hard time admitting to it, yet I don’t know why.
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self.depression
|
Someone died, I need time off. I got myself into this situation.... I am a contractor that is surrounded by employees. I get zero time off, zero sick time, zero time for anything.
Taking a day off costs me $200+.
My aunt died last week. Last night it just hit me. I mean, it just really, really hit me.
I am in hell. I need something... something not at work. But I am stuck till Wednesday. Thursday is the funeral. Friday is the only day off I will get this week.
|
self.depression
|
I feel worthless every day. Why do I need to keep on living if there's nothing to live for [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I told the cashier the wrong price at checkout. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Working out making me worse Hi, 6 months ago i changed my life and started to lift weights after 30 years of no exercise and being a fat couch potato - i'm making great progress and already lifting more weight than i ever expected, my muscles are growing and im already 6'5 so i cant wait to look big, anyway ive always suffered with anxiety and have recently started having panic attacks, i have attributed these panic attacks with heart problems and it got so bad i had to go to hospital and have bloods taken and an ecg, my health anxiety is now through the roof and i ignore the fact that it is likely just anxiety and convince myself im having a heart attack. well now i cant even enjoy working out as i get DOMS like any normal person would but now when im aching and getting pains in my arms and chest from lifting i am convinving myself that it is heart failure or a blood clot or a stroke- i know this sounds stupid but i have been sat on the floor in tears because of pain in my left arm and there is nothing wrong with me exeppt being fucked in the head. this is ruining my life, i was suicidle 6 months ago and going to the gym has saved my life, now its ruining my life but i wont stop lifting weights - i am retraining in sports at college in September and need to sort myself out. does anyone else ever feel like this? i used to be so outgoing and confident and now i hate my life, i hate everyone and ihate everything. this is no way to live
|
self.Anxiety
|
What the fuck is happening Just three days ago I had one of the best days in a long time because I spent the whole day with a friend. We went out to eat, walked in the park, hung out at the mall, had some nice conversations, and just enjoyed each other’s company. She might have even started to see me as more than a friend. Fast forward to this morning where I hint about my depression on Snapchat, and now she’s trying to keep her distance from me? Again I ask... what the fuck is happening?
|
self.depression
|
Me (13 Yr old guy) is experiencing my crush (12 Yr old and Female) cutting herself, I want to get her help but don't want to destroy our friendship.
As the title says, I'm only a 13 yr old guy so this is a lot for me. My crush is a 12 yr old girl, were both in 7th grade, and we sit next to each other in english class. I'm a fucking mess right now and feel like vomiting whenever I think about this too hard, let alone type this, so sorry if my grammar is the quality of a potato but I really need to reach out to some internet strangers for help.
First, I'm not even going to disguise names like I usually do whenever talking about someone else on the internet. Her name is Ava and I've been crushing on her for about 9 months. However, this past Tuesday in english something was different. I noticed that she had bent a paper clip and was doing something to her hand. I thought she was doing that thing were you scratch yourself very hard with a fingernail and the skin turns white, but nope. It looked like a cat had just clawed the back of her hand. I'd also like to mention that I am quite a dumbass, which leads to some of my future actions in this thread. I just casually asked her "Why are you drawing on yourself" (I tried to think like I missed the paperclip and mistook it for a marker. Again I'm a dumbass but she draws cute designs on her arm with marker all the time, had to give it a shot right?) and she responds with "I'm not doing anything". I told her I saw what I she was doing {Dumbass Alert} and she admits that she was "Hurting herself", yes that's actually what she said.
We were fucking around on youtube instead of working on our essays, and our teacher is a bit oblivious to our section of the classroom, so I could chat. The conversation continues. In a reeeallly desperate voice she says "Please you can't tell me mom", I expressed to her I wasn't going to, but that was semi-bullshit, I wanted to get her the help she needed, but not through her mom. "You can't tell anyone. There are just some things that you cannot say!" She was begging and sounded quite desperate. I just told her that "I wasn't going to", even though that wasn't really true. However, I'm faced with a giant fucking dilema now.
I have a crush on her, we've been friends since 6th grade, knew each other since 2nd grade, and I think she's starting to like me. She's begun to tease me this year about my long hair, my super hairly legs, and calls me a sasquatch sometimes. She also "roasts" me, but in all of these situations it's clear to both of us that it's a joke, even if I get pissed at her for a few over it. If I break the news to someone, our friendship will 100% come to an end, and I won't get that sweet Taken tag that I've wanted since I was 11. I know its the bullshit at 13 "I've been single all my life! WHAAAA!", but I think there is something special here. I don't entirely want to get her help because our friendship will end, which is something I REALLY don't want and I don't think she would entirely want either.
So, I have 3 options. 1) I can call a number for help like this. I own my own, shitty flip phone so I can call a helpline. However, I doubt that they will take me 100% seriously when I say it's my friend, not me, and I can't provide her home address. I can tell them her name, what school she goes to, and her age and grade, and I'm nervous as fuck about doing this. What if my mom just walks in on me talking to a fucking helpline and goes apeshit (Very unlikely but still, I can do it home alone). What If they ask too many questions I can't provide answers to, therefore not getting her help? I also still sounds very much like a kid, not a young man, think of a kid with a slightly deep voice but still a squeaker, I don't know why this will interfere in a negative way but I have a hunch. I also don't know exactly which number to call, it's not the suicide helpline, since she is just self-harming herself with a paperclip. Both of us live in the United states, and in the state of Michigan if that's relevant.
2) Talk to the school counselor about it. She's one of the friendliest women I know, I used to talk to her a lot, but not anymore. I'd also now like to mention for all 3 of these, that breaking the news in a clear way is going to be hard because of my minor case of social anxiety, so I will probably sound like a clusterfuck of jibberish. But, assuming that I can talk to people about it, she is a good choice. She will tell Ava's mom, and Ava's mom can help her get help. Again, if I tell anybody our friendship will end, Ava and I are the only people that know about her cutting. I could easily skip lunch to talk to the school counselor, so booking a time wouldn't be too difficult. I may want to tell the counselor a month or two from now so that all parties involved have some time to diffuse, but I'm worried about it getting worse. I could ask the counselor to be anonymous (And she will comply to that, she loves me like a son), but that wouldn't help because she would know it's me because I'm the only other person that knows she cuts.
3) Help her myself/Do nothing. I don't necessarily want to do nothing at all, because despite our friendship ending I still really want to help her. I'm 13, so crushes and friendships are very special at my age, I can't just rip that away from myself, but I still really need to get her the help she needs. I could try and be as friendly and understanding as possible and not blow up in her face, and help her myself, but the chance of me actually stopping that behaviour without sounding creepy or loosing chemistry is going to be next to impossible. I'm not sure why I'm considering these as options, as both of the ideas are horrible, next to ruling these 2 out.
Some closing info: You can call me a selfish bastard for not helping her just because of my needs, but I'm not a charity. Also, if my hypotheses about her and I having chemistry is true, then it would hurt her too, even more than whatever was causing herself to cut in the first place. I'm 13 and live in the US (In the state of Michigan if that's relevant), so what number do I call for help that isn't a suicide line? Which option should I go for? I really want to get her help, but I don't want to destroy our friendship and embarrass her to her family by her requiring help. I'm broken, I have to do something, but I'm not sure what, and the pressure I'm experiencing is unreal. I think I'm going to start crying now, I'm glad I got this off my chest, but I'm very sensitive about this girl, even around my family (They know I like her), and I need some help. Also tell me If I posted this in the wrong subreddit so I can repost this there.
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self.offmychest
|
Should I go to the hospital Hey guys,
I‘m afraid of asking anyone I know personally about this, but since I can stay anonymous, and I really really need another opinion on this, I thought I may post on here.
So basically, I‘m a teenager who‘s had depression for 3-4 years now - I was never diagnosed, but I visit a psychologist sometimes - though I only told my parents about this recently and I’ve only had two visits. I self-harm and often feel like this is not real life - like i‘m a character in a video game or movie.
Today I had a very bad day.
I don’t want to go to in-depth but it felt like I had no control over anything at all and that I was just going to fail
everything and everything. I hated myself and all I could think of was to kill myself after school.
I often fantasised about how people would react to my death and today all I could think about was how to kill
myself, what to write in my note, etc.
I was so close to doing it but managed to convince myself not to. My grandmother lives at my house so she would notice if I did something. She might try to stop me.
But now, my grandmother is going to go on vacation, and so no one will be home.
I’m scared that I’ll do something.
I don‘t like therapy and even if I‘d wait until the next session, I could already have a chance to do something.
What should I do?
Thank you for reading.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My brother died about a month ago, and everything is getting worse. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Experiences with low dose of lithium? I’m hesitant to start because of the horror stories. Was wondering if anyone has had success with a low dose
|
self.bipolar
|
Has anyone else tried to get rid of their depression but it just won’t go away? I feel like I’ve tried everything. There have been so many days when I would just lie in my bed after work for hours and do nothing but stare at the walls and cry. Lately, I’ve went on hikes, spent time with family, read books, wrote stories and gone out with friends. I worked out today and felt great but then out of nowhere, I started feeling depressed again. I’m really trying hard to overcome this depression by forcing myself to do things so I can seem normal but I just feel trapped every single day. I feel sick for fantasizing of dying. I don’t plan to kill myself because I know that would hurt my family and friends but then I ask myself what’s the point of living if I feel so empty? I’ve been depressed ever since I was a kid, I’m honestly surprised that I’ve made it this far. I’ve had suicidal thoughts ever since I was in high school.
I’m only 23 and can’t imagine feeling like this for the rest of my life. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
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self.depression
|
Too weak to even kill myself I want to kill myself but I never do. I almost did once, but my husband took the gun away from me. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and Type II Bipolar Disorder. Type II means I don't get mania, I get hypomania, the less fun one. I spend most of my time depressed, though. The BPD makes it worse. I don't feel like I deserve help - I'm getting therapy and meds from a non-profit mental health place, where I found out I don't need help. I don't do drugs, I'm not an alcoholic, I own a car, I've always been able to hold down a job, and I'm working on getting my B.A. with two majors and a minor with a 3.78 GPA. Also, married to a guy who's basically perfect.
Describing myself, I sound like someone who shouldn't be hoping for death. Yet I do. I fuck shit up. Husband is sad? I find a way to make it worse. Money problems? It's all about me. Today we went grocery shopping and ended up with $82 for food because my husband didn't work one day due to being sick. Didn't find this out until we were paying for the food. My husband unloaded the cart and put all my food, even my freaking ice cream, on the belt. He has two dinners for the next ten days of work! But apparently my ice cream is more important because if I don't have a reward system, I won't be able to successfully continue watching my calories.
We're poor and have been living with his mom since we got married two years ago. His mom initially didn't like me cause I'm white, then I worked to establish a good relationship with her. When the engagement came about she told my husband she actually didn't like me at all, she was only pretending because she figured we'd break up eventually and she wouldn't have to put up with me any longer. Then she proceeded to be emotionally abusive while believing I was the one causing all the problems. She told me her family had been happier before I came along.
My husband took away my gun cause I was suicidal. After getting back on meds this summer he gave it back because I was doing better. His mom said he shouldn't give it back because I'll just shoot myself. So no matter how much I wanna die, I can't do it with my gun because his mom will absolutely tell him "I told you so."
I'm not sure why I'm posting this shit. I guess I need an outlet. I always go t Facebook first, but I don't post there anymore because people kept telling me my attitude was the reason for me being sad or I shouldn't be opening up so much on social media or some other bullshit.
Anyway, tonight I really wanna cry, feel alone (cause I fucking deserve things to be awful) and die. Being alive is just too fucking stressful. I can't keep this shit up.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How do you contact your p-doc outside of appointments? Hey all, posting under alt throwaway for reasons.
I recently had a pdoc retire which meant dealing with the lovely process of finding a new one. It took months and was all around bad. So I finally started seeing this new doc and things are looking better...
Except last week I started getting some side effects from a meds tweak we had agreed on. I wanted to register my experiences with the doctor before they got lost to my utterly fractured memory.
Let me note that over the past decade-plus I have worked with six other pdocs and every single one of them offered two direct contact channels *at least* - a private voicemail box and a private email. They have all been clear that answers were not guaranteed let alone timely, and emergencies always go to 911. Most had a list of on-call staff you could talk to within minutes.
Biggest thing for me is the privacy. Legal implications aside, **I don't want ANYONE reading/listening to the stuff I disclose to my pdoc.**
So here's the kicker. New doc gave me his contact card at initial appointment; so far so good. Dumbass me loses the card. Call receptionist to ask doctor to get in touch, either via email or phone.
I was told that the receptionist is the "best" person to email and straight up didn't get an answer to the phone question. Not even a "we can have the doctor call you when they get a chance."
On top of this a ton of people are telling me this is MY broken expectations and doctors never give out contact info.
I am so confused, frustrated, angry, and generally miserable about this... And the original side effects are getting worse.
Is my experience really that weird? Or do these people just not have a clue?
Someone tell me I'm not crazy! (Ok, that would be a lie.)
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self.bipolar
|
Crying I want to cry but now instead of crying I now just sit, there has to be a real trigger or the bucket has to overflow after standing there for a while. Anger seems to fill in the emptyness for me.
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self.depression
|
I Feel Lonely and It's Rare For Me To Feel Lonely Yup, I didn't think it would happen to me. NOT ME! Before now I've never felt lonely, as I'm quite introverted. I always thought that I was a tough boy, and that I'd never feel like I would need other people. I didn't have any friends and I still don't except for my life long homie who I don't really see in person anymore.
I'm a mixed martial artist, and I'm a pretty good one. I always put up my tough guy face. I act super confident like Floyd Mayweather lol. But underneath all that, I'm just guy who craves some love and attention!
Yes I'm admitting it to myself! I just want a nice, big, warm, tight hug. <3. God this isn't like me.
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self.offmychest
|
Lithium Carbonate - what to expect Hey everyone! I recently got prescribed Lithium Carbonate 150mg twice a day. Can anyone who has had experience give me some advice/things on what to expect? Appreciate it!
|
self.bipolar
|
Does anyone feel like the only reason they accomplish shit is to make hypomania feel better? It doesn't matter what I'm working on; my appearance, money, whatever. It feels like the only reason I do it is so that when I'm hypomanic I have more substance to boost my ego. Being hypomanic and feeling like a god when you're overweight, poor, etc. just feels wrong. Anyone know what I'm talking about?
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self.bipolar
|
hurting myself currently laying on the bathroom floor crying and wanting to cut myself for the first time in years. someone help me
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self.depression
|
I did a family history presentation and overshared I'm not gonna repeat what I said in my presentation cause like I said, I overshared. I'm cringing just thinking about it. Just told everyone some tragic/weird stuff from my family's past that really shouldn't have been part of the project, more like stuff you'd tell a shrink I guess. Ugh. I wasn't thinking because i'd procrastinated on the project and was feeling a nervous rush that I guess made me act stupid. Didn't get much of a reaction but I guess they were just too stunned. I have knots in my stomach about that whole day, what a train wreck. Can't stop beating myself up about it. Fuck I suck so much. Goddamnit.
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self.offmychest
|
Re-pression I have been living with depression and anxiety for around 10 years with it being diagnosed a few years ago. I have been in a really good place for several months, but the past several weeks have been slowly grinding me back down. I just want to cry right now, but I can’t find the time or space to go there.
It’s always been an issue, but recently even more, to try to explain what is happening. You tell your friends and family that you logically know nothing is wrong, but mental illness doesn’t care.
Some of them truly do mean well when they tell you, “It’ll be okay.”
You try to explain that mental illness doesn’t care if you ‘don’t actually have anything to worry or be depressed about’.
They can’t understand that depression is not a perpetual frown, it is trying to have fun because you don’t want to feel this way.
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self.depression
|
I can't think of a title I don't even know anymore. I have a hard time talking to people about how to rationally handle my thoughts. I jump from point A --> B. I got two options.
1.) Check myself into psyc ward..
2.) Take a week off work to concentrate on my family
Back in July, I actually had a gun and attempted suicide. I called, a bunch of people on Facebook with gun to my head. I almost succeeded but someone took the gun. Reflecting on that, I would do something as stupid as that.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Did opening up about your suicidal thoughts help you out? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Apps you're using these days? hi all, I have tried several apps for anxiety, mindfulness, and self compassion, most of which I recommend. But there are always so many new ones coming out, and nothing is on my radar for regular use anymore (except a breathing exercise one). What's on your phone these days?
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self.Anxiety
|
Holiday depression Does anyone have advice on how to cope with depression triggered by the holidays? I suffer with depression year-round and around the winter holidays it gets to the worst point, suicidal (I attempted last year). I thought this year would be different, but it’s creeping back fast. This year I’m also going through a break up and feel separated from most of the people I love. I don’t know what to do to help myself and when I ask for help no one seems to understand.
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self.depression
|
Nearly two weeks later I'm still here Tomorrow will mark two weeks since I set out to kill myself.
Needless to say I (fortunately) failed to do so. While I never followed through with my actual method, I had started on my backup plan by the time I called 911. The cops were the first to show, mainly because that's standard protocol in the States and I had told the 911 operator I had a knife in my backpack (but I didn't know where). When they showed up they put in "protective custody," a fancy legal term for "we're arresting you for your own safety." Shortly afterwards paramedics from the fire department showed and from there I was transported to the hospital. There I spent 24 hours in the ICU under observation and on a ~~respirator~~ respiration/oxygen meter (maybe a tank as well, idk) due to my backup plan.
From there I was transferred to an out of state locked psychiatric ward (it was the only one in the region with beds open) where I would spend the next 6 days.
Now I'm back in my hometown with my parents. I feel a tiny bit better than I did two weeks ago, but those thoughts are still there. I feel like I failed. It almost feels like I was/am supposed to kill myself even though I know this isn't the case. Something just doesn't feel right in me still. Something in me still wants out and the only way it can see out is through death. Maybe it's just the boredom that's driving my mind there, but who knows.
I have an initial appointment on Tuesday with a psychiatrist and I'll find out more then. Until then I'll keep taking these pills and hoping for the best.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My 18th was one of my most shitty birthdays yet. Expecting far more to come after.
On my 18th, my dad and sister don’t say happy birthday to me. My dad simply drops me off at work and my sister doesn’t even look at me. I work a long ass shift and since I’m autistic/introverted, I come home and just want to be left alone for a little bit.
Nope! I get a big surprise with...all my friends sitting around the table! And it’s packed full of gifts!
...except it’s not that. It’s just my sister and my parents. My mom makes sure to tell me my sister walked ALL THE WAY to the store to get me cupcake mix and ice cream, which is really nothing but a 10 min walk, JUST FOR ME.
Okay. I changed and sat down with them. I got my yearly 25$ from my grandparents and take a bite out of a cupcake. It’s the birthday cake flavor, which I can’t stand, but to be polite I tried it. They also have ice cream, which I’m not eating to lose weight, but I have some to be polite.
When I’m done eating, I just go to my room. I text my mom that I just want to be left alone for a little bit and she asks what they did wrong. I explained that I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to start any arguments. That, and I didn’t even get anything. My big 18 was a half assed celebration that was planned the day of with food I couldn’t even eat. I got a little bit of money from my grandparents, but that immediately went to my 40$ phone bill because my mom decided to tell me, day of my birthday, that they weren’t going to pay the usual half of my phone bill because I’m an adult now!! Happy fucking birthday to me.
I just felt heartbroken. They barely even knew me. They all know I’m autistic, why didn’t they at least ASK what I wanted to eat?
I tried my best to enjoy the “party”, but after that, I just wanted the damn day to end. I get to talk to my boyfriend for a little bit, but after he goes to sleep, I spend the last two hours of my birthday sobbing alone. I text my mom how I feel and she never responds. I cancel my birthday dinner.
All I really wanted to do was go thrifting all around town but my mom doesn’t like shopping, so I didn’t even get to do that.
The next day it’s like nothing happened. Nobody cares. After all this crap, I’m the one who ended up apologizing to my mom. She called me ungrateful. She told me I had no right to be jealous of her giving birthday presents to my older and younger siblings because it was HER CHOICE and SHE WANTED TO and NOBODY OWES YOU ANYTHING!!
Then, with a smug expression, tells me she would’ve gotten me a present at dinner. If I had been a good and grateful child. She was mad at me for disrespecting my sisters “hard work”, even though I stayed and tried the food and even thanked her for it.
Now I get a sour memory for my birthday. I can’t wait to hang myself.
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self.offmychest
|
I am ashamed of my race So I am half Filipino. I was born and raised in the U.S. But my mother wasn't. So in the Philippines, there is a lot of problems going on there like the drug war and their crazy president in there. Also, some people have bad experiences in their like The Beatles. I feel insecure since other people are saying that the whole race is rude and "the biggest nutjobs". Like being Filipino is a sin, that's what they basically saying. Thanks for listening to my problem.
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self.offmychest
|
Can people who have had success with with antidepressants give me motivation to get me to try to get them. I've been trying for a long time to beat this shit by myself. But I've just lost at this point. I'd love some sort of an echo chamber forced placebo kind of thing to know how well anti depressants have worked for people. Cause my birthdays coming up in 2 days so I may just ask for it for my birthday or something, idk. I just need to get out of this progressionless rut.
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self.depression
|
Am I a difficult patient???? What's wrong with me? I always go in circles. So if you want some background on my experience with my psych you can click [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/7llva7/my_psychiatrist_made_my_depression_worse/?st=JC2B0A35&sh=e956cce2).So ever since my experience with my psych and how she expressed frustration over changing my meds all the time, I feel like I'm a difficult patient that doesn't describe their emotions properly. When I tell her how I feel I feel as if I'm not doing it the right way you know? Or I feel as if I'm not saying the right words. For example, I told her I was anxious. Yesterday I doubted myself and wondered whether I was actually anxious. I was stressed at some point but I always second guess my emotions a little bit. Then she changed my medication from lexapro to that new viibryd medication. Idk if it'll work or if it was worth switching in the first place. Idk of the medication is the problem or it's me. To be fair, I have been lacking in the CBT department. I haven't been seeing a psychologist just a psychiatrist and haven't as actively been doing coping skills like I should. So no wonder I told her I have lingering feelings of sadness right? I keep getting better and then getting worse and then better again. I go in a circle. Is it because of the psychiatrist I'm seeing or is it me? Do I need to change my psychiatrist. So many questions.
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self.depression
|
When I kill myself, it'll be a relief. I know in the back of my head that when I kill myself, the people around me will be very slightly relieved - even if they'd never admit to it. I know this because I've felt that way before myself. No matter how much you want to tell yourself it isn't true, when someone that depressed leaves your life, a small part of you is glad to not have to deal with it anymore. But that's not the kind of thing you can admit to, is it? You try to convince yourself that it's not there and that it's your imagination, but you know in yourself that it's true, and that maybe people will feel the same way about you.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
To my younger self The bus rumbled onwards. Past the T.G.I. Friday's where We used to buy weed and towards Alex's new place. That stranger last night was right. This Planet called earth is beautiful, and if You kill your self You will have missed it, because there's always something to look at, A new place to explore or a great joke You haven't heard yet, And it's going to kick you in the mouth and not care when You bleed. But when You eventually pull yourself up and out of the rubble, You'll realize that You are stronger than You were. And that each color of every night is more poetic than it was on the day when You wanted to bleed out on the kitchen floor. You'll never be thankful for what happened and You'll never forget the acute pain of losing someone You loved too soon, suture up what you can and taste the iron of your blood because this Life is a Calvary charge and everything should stop when someone falls out on the front lines but the horn is blaring louder in every moment and to honor everything true that we still stand for our bloodied head will rise and continue onwards, floating like a Roman candle, mad as hell and burning out bright and explosive and red like the fireworks I sat under as a child, with our friends like family and just enough time to smell the flowers we race past before setting them ablaze. Breathe deep and let go of the kid we were. We'll be here for a while. Might as well make the most of it.
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self.offmychest
|
No weight gain, but my clothes don't fit (tw: weight) I started taking meds again sometime in July. I have been through vraylar/Zoloft combo, a very short time taking lamactil, and now I was just upped to 50mg of topamax.
My doctor has been monitoring my weight. I have not because I can't. I have anorexia and any tracking of my weight can become a dangerous obsession very quickly. Obviously with trying different medicine, I have been at the doctor very frequently. I am also a competitive figure skater, so any weight gain was going to screw up my training and skating.
Well, today my shorts that fit me two months ago don't button. I've also had some odd abdominal bloating that started around when I started lamactil. The bloating has gotten better but it's still hanging on, however I'm not convinced it's the sole reason my clothes aren't fitting. My doctor says I haven't gained any weight. What gives?? She wouldn't lie to me, she's my doctor. This weight gain or whatever it is is tearing me apart, it's becoming harder to skate and I am so depressed about how my body looks I don't want to shower and I'm slipping into old habits. I did retain water on the lamactil but I only took that for around a month and I quit taking it mid-September... is it still in my system?
I don't know what to do. I'm going to be skating more because one reason is I need to be in top shape for skating but I also cannot be putting weight on or bloating like this. I'm literally at my wits end. Any ideas what could be wrong? Should I go to my Primary care doctor for the bloating?
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self.bipolar
|
Does anyone else feel like there's two people inside of their head constantly fighting? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
The blatant problem with Capitalism The idea is that anybody can be a success, a business owner, a CEO. It overlooks the fact that for every business owner or CEO, there are multiple employees almost by default. So while it's *possible* for "anyone" (assuming nepotism doesn't exist, which it does) to make good, it's not likely. Everyone can't be a CEO (unless CEO's want to do all the work themselves, which can't happen with every industry.) So the majority of people will have no power and fewer resources. This is the very structure of Capitalism and what it relies on: the unsuccessful to bolster the successful.
The divide continues as we take into account that most people who got the best opportunities got there through nepotism or at the very least, were in a more fortunate position (ie were able to take an unpaid or low paid internship). Then we consider the fact that the more the rich and powerful (1%) push for freedom from the govt to do what they want, the more power they have to exploit the less fortunate. Ie office hours used to be 9 to 5, now it's 8:30 to 6 and you get side eye for taking a lunch break.
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self.offmychest
|
Why do childhood traumas lead to depression in adulthood? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Any healthy destructive coping mechinisms? So I know that sounds like its impossible and obviously I am not trying to promote self harm but unfortunately it is something I do. I mentally need to do something self destructive to be able to cope otherwise I find myself snap and do some extremely self destructive things. In the past I have burnt myself cut and tore skin and hair out as well as restricted my eating all in a way of self harm currently I am coping by smoking. I have a really in addictive personality and could easily quit, but I know I would need to replace it with another self destructive coping mechanism. I was wondering if anybody could give me any suggestions I've tried non harmful ways like drawing on myself etc but they don't work so basically what I'm asking is what is the least self destructive way to be self destructive? Thanks
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self.depression
|
I slept last night, and that's such a win for me! ohh and check out our discord, it's awesome!! Hey guys!!!
I have chronic insomnia thanks to anxiety and depression, and I actually slept last night. I woke up like once to pee hahaha but that's it. God that felt sooooooooo good!!!
check out the discord if you get a chance. There's a bunch of us that hang out in there and just chat and offer help and advice. I know I'm keeping the discord app on my PC open 24/7 now to help others. See ya in the discord!!!
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self.Anxiety
|
Trying to help a suicidal friend I’m not sure if this was the right place to post this, but it seemed appropriate. A person I met online a few weeks ago has been saying some very concerning things about wanting to kill himself. He’s bulimic and eats less than 1000 calories a day, and a couple of days ago he started uncontrollably shaking due to low blood sugar (at least, that was his assessment). I’m not certain on all of the details, as he doesn’t want to talk about his personal life beyond the obvious cries for help he makes on a daily basis, but I have made a few educated guesses- everything from here on should be taken with a grain of salt. He lives with his parents (who don’t appear to like him very much by his account), has no job, and essentially no education. He feels like a leech with nothing to contribute and genuinely believes the world would be a better place without him. He said his parents would get over his death in a year and would have more freedom and money without him leeching. He used to be extremely overweight and lives in fear of becoming that way again. Unfortunately I can only talk to him online (and he doesn’t like to show his face at all and he hates his voice). I don’t know much about him or what his specific thoughts are but I want to help him any way I can. I genuinely believe he may do it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I had a mental breakdown and started to cry and scream I don’t want to live anymore [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Anyone at home with folks and no energy to wish them a happy new year? I just don't think I can do it. What's the point of it, just because we're expected to do it? Then again if I don't do it I'm going to feel guilty.
Fuck all the happy, functional families out there.
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self.depression
|
What /really/ holds us back? Hello. I'm not sure if this is the best place to post but since anxiety is a huge part of my life.... I will post it here. I was trying to fall asleep and as usual I couldn't until I thought of stuff. And I got thinking... Why am I afraid? Why is my self-worth so low? Why do I care so much about what others think of me?
I got these questions because I sometimes get these revelations that life is short and that I am wasting my time on worrying and putting myself down.
I really want to do stuff, to have my own business and travel with my job, travel alone, yet here I am, completely terrified of even going to buy bread(my hands are getting sweaty just by thinking about it).
I get these brave thoughts of freedom and then when I want to actually live in reality, I can't because of my fear. I feel really confident when alone but then humans interact with me and it's all gone. I'm afraid to say what I really mean and I feel like I'm placing myself below them.
I can't even walk on the street without over thinking and being anxious and wary of my surroundings and people.
I'm proud of myself that at least I'm trying but it sucks so much... Yesterday I went to the park and the whole time I was stressed because I would walk by people and ugh I just want to be alone.
Every trip alone outside is an enormous stress.
I can't keep from wondering WHY I am so anxious. When most stuff don't even matter. Why am I so afraid? How can I stop being afraid? It seems that even though I push myself out of my comfort zone, I am still anxious.
I don't want to live like this anymore. It's not how I want to live. It's not how anyone should live. I want to be free.
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self.Anxiety
|
I really dont know if I can make it through So. I really dont know how to express what i want to, but i know damn well that i need to because im scared ill do something stupid.
I have been depressed for 3 years. Its gone up and down, but it never leaves. Ive tried my best to not selfharm, but goddamn sometimes its so hard not to slip. These past few month i was actually okay, but then i got really bad news- My best friend has been diagnosed with severe depression, and Aspergers. I was terrified, and still am, because i now dont know how the fuck I will handle this. I honestly really, really fucking want to die, but i cant, because im her only friend, and i could never leave her, and i need to be there for her. But i dont know how im supposed to do that, without literally destroying myself.
I dont even know if this post belong here. This is honestly my last hope, since i cant tak to anyone about this.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I furiously hate eating Is that something some of you also feel? Eating literally anything resembles for me eating tasteless blobs with raw salt etc. I also treat it as pooping backwards and eats just barely enough to survive - for example 2 bread cuts without anything. Whos with me?
On the other hand drinking anything is not a problem, pepsi, juices, sometime protein drink if I can't make it to eat anything
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self.depression
|
The best thing a therapist ever said to me still resonates 20 years later. All he said was that he was amazed I was so together and successful after all I'd been through. He was genuine when he said it.
I didn't feel together or successful, or that I could amaze anyone. No one had ever been impressed with me before. I love that therapist, still, to this day. Thank you.
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self.offmychest
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I need help. DAE here prescribed with Ketilept (Quetiapine)? Did it work well for you? It was my first night taking Ketilept and just about 30 mins. I already felt sleepy. Before I knew it I was knocked down. After 1 hour, my mom woke me up. And as I was standing up and walking, I suddenly fell on the ground. My vision was really blurry, my surroundings were spinning and I had a really terrible headache and really sick, I felt like vomiting. It was as if I was really drunk. I thought I was gonna faint for real. Good thing my bed saved me.
My doc prescribed me this medicine to lessen my intrusive thoughts and I guess to help me sleep better(?), he didn't mention this on my check-up.
I did sleep better but now that I've woken up I still feel sick, chilly and my lips are dry, my head still feels terrible.
I want to know if I should stop taking this medicine? Or just continue and see if there's a significant change after I guess in a week?
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self.depression
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Don't you hate when this happens I hate it when I ask someone if they wanna hangout, talk, or call because then they'll tell "oh sorry I'm busy, oh sorry I can't". It's always a sorry I can't to be honest I'm not surprised by this response no more I just be like "oh of course". Great friends I have! So reliable when you need them! :)
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self.depression
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Literally the only things keeping me from offing myself is my family and my gf.. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Anxiety, shit sleep, and medication I’m a social worker, I’m burnt out and I’m backed up at work which makes it worse. I was on long term meds for depression and anxiety but about 9 months ago the meds were really fucking me up, I was in between psychiatrists so I weaned myself off by systematically lowering the medications. It’s been about 5 months since then and my anxiety has steadily been on the rise while the depression is pretty mild. Right now I have fitful sleep, I wake up often trembling, gasping for breathe, just feeling like shit. Getting back to sleep can lock me in a dreamlike fit for the next hour until I realize I’m in a cycle and get up feeling like I’ve been thrown around all night. This always occurs the mornings before work. I’m on two short term meds to lower my anxiety but they barely manage it and they won’t prescribe Xanax as they see it as a bad drug that causes memory problems. My doctor is really pushing long term meds but both times I have tried these types of meds I feel detached from myself and it erodes my relationship with my partner.
I’m now sleeping on the couch as of like 4am this morning so my wife can sleep. I know the things to do, find a new job, clean up my diet, exercise more. I’m incoporating those things as I move forward day by day but after taking a week off of work and feeling relaxed for the first time in a long time, it really sucks to be back to the worst sleep of my life.
Does anyone have a similar experience and can you share any solutions?
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self.Anxiety
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I cant take no more. The demons are winning. But i dont have the balls just yet [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Got a small anxiety attack a moment ago. This attack was partially self-inflicted. So my other half was cleaning the house, and when he does this I always get extreme anxiety. The thing is I have and do a couple of things that I would like to keep to myself (a secret). The problem is that I don't always dispose of the evidence properly. And when my SO cleans the house he goes through my stuff, which is a major anxiety trigger for me. Every time I hear him rustling bags/papers etc, it freak me out. Just a second ago, he found a script for a medication I didn't want to tell him about. And guess what he did: he put it with a bunch of other paperwork.
This point of me sharing this was mostly therapeutic, but also illustrate how anxiety can be caused by our own action sometimes. This is not a discussion about if it's right/wrong to keep things from our SO. but sometimes I wonder, how about him NOT going through my shit in the first place.
Thank for reading.
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self.Anxiety
|
I constantly type out long rants about how fucked up I am, and keep deleting them. Everything is completely meaningless, I long for attention and at the same time I want everyone to leave me alone. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy? why can't i just be content? FUCKING WHY?!?!?!?!?
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self.depression
|
I need some goddamn space from my husband He’s here all the fucking time. Every fucking day. I see his face all the time. And most of the time, it’s great. He’s a great husband, great father, overall great guy. But that doesn’t make him any less of a person, and I need time way from people.
He calls himself an introvert and says that he likes his space too, which is so fucking wrong it drives me up he wall. He’s an extrovert, but he won’t admit it. He has no idea what it’s like to be completely exhausted after too many social interactions. In fact, he loves human interaction. Especially with me. Which is supposed to be great, but it’s not.
He always says “when I was with my ex, I always felt like I needed alone time and now that I’m with you, I don’t feel that at all!” Well that’s just great, now I feel claustrophobic and guilty. And he doesn’t understand that I don’t love him less just because I need my own space.
When I have the day off, like today, he comes home on his lunch break to see me. STOP. FUCKING GIVE ME A FEW HOURS BY MYSELF. Jesus Christ he’s always fucking here and I just want to be here without him for ONCE. He’s going to be home in two hours. Two fucking hours before I have to entertain him and watch my words and actions and thoughts again.
I tried talking to him about it and he got offended and convinced that I don’t love him as much as he loves me. He clings and he doesn’t let go. He’s CRUSHING me. I’m being crushed by the man I love. How the fuck am I supposed to think any independent thought when he’s always here shoving his thoughts into me. How am I supposed to write poetry for him or miss him when he’s always here.
Last time we had this talk, he said I don’t have to be “on” for him. I can relax and do anything I would do without him when he’s here. FUCKING WRONG. If I want to watch Greys Anatomy, I can’t. Cause he’ll be visibly offended that I’m not asking about his day or that I’m showing zero interest in responding to his questions about how my day is going. I HAVE TO engage.
I don’t want to ignore him, I want him to not be here so I don’t have to ignore him.
We had a big ass blizzard yesterday and the roads are shit. I offered to pack him a lunch and he said no, he’s going to brave the fucking roads and put himself in danger to come home and see me. How fucking sweet. As usual. Always a great romantic gesture when he fucking squeezes the independence and peaceful quiet out of my life.
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self.offmychest
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Having suicidal thoughts again for the first time in years. I'm lonely. I'm tired of being lied to. I'm so tired. I've tried every avenue I can think of. I've improved myself. But no matter what, nothing changes. And now the thought of ending the pain is very enticing to me. No one near me, none of my friends know what its like to feel like this, they never have issues. I'm just an ugly monster who's probably a terrible person as well, I can't understand why no one even takes the time to respond to me. I'm unloveable. There's no other reasoning I can lead myself to.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Waking up anxious I wake up in the mornings with instant anxiety. Sometimes it’s because of a dream sometimes I just wake up anxious for no reason. I hate it!!
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self.Anxiety
|
I’ve been cutting myself and I keep dreaming about my suicide I keep dreaming that they won’t give me another chance and that they’ll never forgive me.
I hate that idea and I hate myself so much.
I’ve been taking a scissor and gliding it across my skin. It’s easier to cut on the lower part of my forearm. But I noticed that even though I only grazed the palm of my hand with it, it hurts even more than the forearm.
I miss them so much. Everything I do blows up in my face.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Need advice with Dysthymia So, back when I was 17 (I am 27 now) I was diagnosed with Dysthymia. I don't have insurance through my employer just yet, but, I'm finding it increasingly harder every day to stay positive. I'll have maybe a good 15 minutes after a mental pep talk, but then it's all ruined. I was addicted to speed and drinking because it opened me up in ways that felt nice but I've since quit that. I still find it hard not to drink just to open up and feel normal but that's only I'm social settings. I'm sure I'm rambling but the question is essentially, are there any sorts of natural supplements that have helped anyone? I know I probably have 0 dopamine running through me. I also am aware that working out is great for it, I just work 2 jobs so it's a bit harder. Basic every day feelings are: apathy, no energy, constant overthinking and worrying, anger.
If anyone could share their own stories or just some general advice to maybe help me in my every day travels, I would appreciate it.
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self.depression
|
Yep, I'm getting closer and closer Usually at this time of the year I'm not that depressed because I like christmas and spending time with my family. This time around it was ok, but I could feel that something was wrong. Now that everyone's gone and I'm alone again I feel so bad.
There's also this girl. I started liking hier and impressed myself a lot by doing things that are basically superhuman for me, like approaching her. I thought that maybe it was time for me to be happy after all I have endured, especially as I was also having great success in school after getting back this year.
But she basically killed all these dreams I had in one Facebook conversation today. And I'm definitely not stable enough right now to take that well. I'm supposed to study this week for my finals next week, but I'm not because there's no point. I already said it here but school (and basically everything) doesn't give me any satisfaction.
I'm pretty sure she was my last chance at happiness. The thought of suicide is creeping up in my head so much it's insane. Few years ago I felt like I could never do something like that, even being depressed and all. And nowadays I'm thinking about logistics while crying in bed.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What medication helps you guys ? I have a rendez vous with my psy in 2 days and so far in three years I tried Zoloft, Paxil, seroquel, risperdal .. 5 htp, valerian roots but nothing ever worked .. my anxiety is intense
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self.Anxiety
|
I need a girl friend. I live with 5 guys. My best friend is a guy. I live in a male dominated world and I’m perfectly okay with it— 99.9% of the time.
That other little .01% of the time I really want-no, *need* a girlfriend to do dumb girl stuff with me.
I want a girl to go shopping with me and to talk about make up and clothes and to *talk* to. I want a sassy, wine guzzling, gossipy girlfriend to hang out with every so often.
Why have I come to reddit to complain?? Because my ex of two years— my high school sweetheart who I had a nasty falling out with back in *February is now engaged!!! And has been for two months too!!! I saw the news on Facebook and just had to shout it out but everyone in my family already knew and my best friend doesn’t care! But this was the dude I was suppose to marry. We were the “it” couple in our high school and we crumbled so hard. In a fit he joined the Air Force and, again, is now engaged!!
I’m happy for the kid. We may have been the “it” couple but I was not the right girl for him and he wasn’t the guy for me. But c’mon ladies would opening your fb feed to see your ex of less than a year, two months into an engagement (oh yea, we’re only 20 btw— a fresh 20 at that)
This means nothing. It’s just hot gossip and everyone I turn to just doesn’t care. I’m not asking for a verbal bully session where we sit and shit talk for no reason but, I mean- I don’t even get a “oh man, that’s not smart” or “this could be a bad idea” or even just an exclamation or shock!
Please, for once, when big dramatic news hops along I just want someone I can turn to who will be there to dish on the hot shit with me. I want someone to say “OMG” with, y’know?
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self.offmychest
|
I'm falling for a friend He's my friend. It would be so much simpler to keep things that way. But I want more, and I can't get him off my mind.
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self.offmychest
|
Feels like I'm never good enough I've been struggling with depression as long as I can remember. I'm 35 and have been in and out of therapy for 30 years. Been on a ton of at best useless pharmaceuticals. Tricyclics, tetracyclics, SSRIs, SNRIs, mood stabilizers, second gen antipsychotics, and probably at least one more class I've forgotten in making this list. I feel like when things do get temporarily better its just so life can knock me down again. The last few weeks I've been trying so hard once again to at least be productive at home and I've been trying to exercise regularly. I felt like things were starting to improve a bit but according to the fight I had with my spouse earlier that hasn't been the case.
Why keep trying if giving it your all isn't enough? I feel on the verge of tears constantly but I can't cry. It seems the only time I want to live is if death is looming. Day to day the idea of being hit by lightning or a car or some other accident that would end my life not by my own hand would be awesome but then it will almost happen because of some distracted asshole texting and driving and suddenly I find myself doing everything I can not to die.
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self.depression
|
I just had a panic attack at my first job. I just need to let this out. I want to cry my brains out because I feel like a failure and ashamed that I had a panic attack at work. I've been having breathing issues which haven't been diagnosed yet, and then anxiety on top of it. I've been doing so well at it for the past few weeks and now I feel like I've screwed it all up.
I'm really lucky that I work in a very friendly environment, and everyone is very nice and understanding, but I can't help but feel like I'm failing at this job because I can't even keep my mind under control to move boxes. And not knowing what this breathing issue is makes it ten times worse, and I'm so scared that it's all in my head and I'm making it up, and I really don't want to lose this job, because I need to move out as soon as I can and also because I love working there. I'm sorry, I just needed to get this out.
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self.Anxiety
|
It’s hard, man. My anxiety honestly hasn’t been too big of an issue for awhile now. I was on Zoloft for about a year. Fixed it up but in retrospect I’ve been pretty zombieish for the last few months. I just started Wellbutrin and I’m pretty hopeful.
But man. I’m in a graduate program with about 100 people so there’s no avoiding social interaction and I just can’t do it. I have a couple of guys I kinda sorta hang with but I can’t really do it on account of being so tired(?) and just awkward. It’s like, I’m not tired, but I just don’t have anything in me to give. So I’m stuck being with these two guys but basically just kinda... being there.
Idk if any of this makes sense. I guess I’m just lonely and I hate the fact that I can’t just reclude and let my wife be my only human interaction. Hopefully this new medication does it for me.
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self.Anxiety
|
Writing off 2017 2017 was a write off for me. I am humbled and broken.
I lost my partner. (she decided it wasn't working out after 2.5 years)
I lost my son. (he decided to live with his mother full time)
I got my lowest rating at work in 15 years.
I think there were external factors, but nonetheless I'll except full blame.. Its not easy to live with depression, anxiety, ADHD and OCD. I've let childhood trauma impact my life for far to long.
Now, most nights I get overwhelmed by sheer loneliness and breakdown and cry myself to sleep. When I wake, I have a big sigh, put on smile on and go to work. I've felt hopelessness for much of the year. I don't want to die but I feel absolutely lost and betrayed in this world.
My anxiety is already into daily high gear thinking of the loneliest Christmas I'll be having in my life.
How do I shrug the weigh of this year's losses off and start anew? How do I move forward again. I'm truly desperate for a way to move forward. I'm 46 and I just feel like my best years are behind me (and they were quite challenging as it is) . I've been trying so hard..when is it suppose to get easy?
I'm sooo jealous of normals.
PS. Sorry for the rant.
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self.depression
|
Chronic neurological flatulence Aka brain farts. Anyone get them often enough that you feel like you forget how to talk? It's been happening nonstop for me for a while lately. I had a 2 year period where I could freely talk to people and not feel awkward, but this year has gotten worse and worse, to the point where I need to squeeze my eyes shut and say what I want to say through gritted teeth. I'm fine typing stuff out, but when it comes to actually talking, I either immediately forget what I want to say, or how to even speak.
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self.Anxiety
|
My friend told me he wants to kill himself [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I would kill for some consistency A week ago my doctor put up my dose of Depakote because I was hypomanic, I asked to go up because it was getting to the point where it was uncomfortable and I knew I was making decisions that I would be regretting for years down the road. Things were not going in a healthy direction and I was basically making a fool out of myself with my social extravagance and wreckless behavior.
A few days after going up I started to feel my mood dropping. It kept dropping to what I would say was subthreshold depression, which I was anticipating and I wasn't worried about. But then I woke up this morning, completely wired! Like, I'm past where I was when I asked for my dose to be raised. I cannot sit still, I'm saying inappropriate things at work, all I can think about is sex and I'm married! My thoughts are nonsense going a mile a second, and on top of that I'm starting to feel paranoid about what other people are thinking or saying which is a bad omen for me. I'm so agitated and on edge right now that I'm worried if someone says the wrong thing I'll get myself fired by blowing up on them over nothing.
I was all ready for this episode to be over and it's just hitting me like a ton of bricks now.
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self.bipolar
|
I've having trouble getting over fears, especially when they seem to come true. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Anyone else not trust their emotions? I've been feeling abnormally happy this week/two weeks, I haven't been all that active, but was put on Seroquil I think 2 months ago? (Sorry can't spell the name.) Any one else worry way too much about real vs artificial happiness?
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self.bipolar
|
I am more depressed than I have the right to be. Things are good right now. I just started dating someone, the busy season at work is basically over for me, my roommate and I just moved in with my mom (temporarily) so my financial situation is very much relieved..and it's Christmas time, which is usually my favorite. My birthday is this month.
Can't I just be happy right now? Why do I need to feel this weight dragging down and keeping me from enjoying a blessedly quiet moment in my life? I know I'm lucky and I feel like it's wasted on someone who cannot enjoy the good things when they happen. I feel selfish and ungrateful.
I hate feeling like I'm waiting for a shoe to drop. There doesn't always need to be some big crisis going on. Life has quiet moments too. It's stupid.
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self.depression
|
What is your experience with Caffeine? It seems that small coffee helps me to decrease my anxiety level. But if I drink more than 3, my anxiety level increases.
I feel pretty bad after just one cup of black tea, surprisingly (I'd assume that it contains less caffein than coffee, so that's weird).
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self.Anxiety
|
I Dont Trust Anyone Ive had anxiety 20 out of my 29 years. Happy to dicuss my story and yours.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm not sure I can handle doing this anymore. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Am i entering a state of depression? Hello reddit, I don't know if i should post these whiny stuffs here, but then i don't have anyone else for me to confess these to.
So a little about myself, I'm bala from india, turning 23 coming feb, currently i'm in a 10-6 job, pay's good, but depressing as hell. THE Routine, the goddamn routine, i've been doing exactly the same thing for the past 8 months. like exactly same deja vu every hour. Waking up at same time, eating at same place, talking to same ppl everyday, doing the same thing every now and then like clockwork tik tok tik tok. Top of this i'm experiencing a bad break up which i still cant get over. it's been almost 2 years since i left university. It's been months since I've met new ppl and socialized with them. Idk what i'm feeling like. Idk if it depression or its the routine. I want to try something new but couldn't get going. Is it that im lazy. I feel like im wasting my days, the girls i loved(twice) left me. all i want is to experience some chaos, something to happen to me which I've not experienced before.
sorry for the whiny post and bad english.
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self.depression
|
My husband's friend is coming over for dinner tonight and I can't stand him [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm not entirely to sure if this is where I belong. Also I apologize for the length [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Intensive Outpatient Program has anyone been to an IOP? I start one today and am very nervous. what was it like? literally any information/advice you can give would be helpful.
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self.depression
|
I have strong feeling i am going to die really soon I'm not sure if this is the right subbreddit for this but I need help. Today I've got a really bad headache so I tried to breath some fresh air and drank some water and then all of the sudden I've got a feeling that I'm going to die really really soon. I've read that some people can feel if they are about to die so I panicked. I think it's just due to anxiety, but I'm really not sure. I don't want to die. I haven't live my life yet. I'm just 16 years old. I'm literally crying so hard right now. Please help me! Am I really going to die? If not, how do I cope with this feeling?
Update: I just had panic attack and now I feel better
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self.Anxiety
|
How do you choose an ER/hospital to go to? I’m not doing great and think I may want to admit myself sometime soon. It’d make the decision easier if I knew beforehand where I was going. I live in a major American city, so there’s a few options. From people who’ve admitted themselves, what did you learn that you’d like to share?
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self.bipolar
|
Anxiety with travel. My SO is going out of town for a few days for a conference for work. I have GAD I am very nervous about him traveling far away and going away on the trip in general. There will also be a time difference. Does anyone have any tips? Stay occupied, distract myself from anxiety, anything to help at all :)
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self.Anxiety
|
Hospitalized for the first time This week I was hospitalized for the first time, I had taken benzos and either they mixed with the lamictal poorly or it was a bad source but I was black out for over 12 hours starting and terrified my wife and family. I am embarrassed and ashamed and while black out I talked about many things I'd prefer to have kept hidden, including sexual frustrations and a long struggle with substances including LSD to my mother in law, calling my father and telling him that I was diagnosed even though I hadn't wanted to do so at this point yet. I spent the next 4 days in extreme depression, not eating, showering, talking or sleeping and am finally feeling normal today. I ate, talked with my wife and mother in law today, showered and got my hair cut. I am still extremely embarrassed of the things that happened during that day. I don't know what to do or say or how to fix things I did or said. I feel like I hurt my marriage and my relationship with my mother in law, I'm scared
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self.bipolar
|
I can't do it. I can't take the pain. So things started getting better between me and my gf.... And then got worse all because of her parents. I miss her so fucking much, and just want to know what's going on. We didn't break up, we didn't have a big fight. I have no idea when/if I'll hear from the woman I love again, and the situation is completely out of my control. This is killing me, and all I've been able to think is bad thoughts :(
I want to just OD on my meds, and Tbh the only thing that's been keeping me from doing it is the small naive sliver of hope that I'll hear from her again. I'll go more into detail if/when I can gather my thoughts or if anyone even cares. Read my last post from a couple weeks ago if you want to know a little more about me.
I just want to fucking die and be at peace :( I thought this year was gonna be a great year, but it's already starting off worse than last year did for me, and last year was pretty bad too (I won't get into that though). If I don't OD tonight, I think I'm going to at least get fucked up on benzos. I just can't take this anymore, I can't. Why can't I just have something good in life without it going wrong or me fucking it up?
I miss her sweet comforting voice so much :( I'd give anything just to hear from her about what's going on.
Edit: Figured I'd update this in case anyone decides to look through my post history. I'm doing better now. I now know what the situation is, and things between me and my gf are fine.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Sex Repulsion After Months of Lamictal Anyone else lose their desire to be sexually intimate after being on Lamictal for a prolonged period of time? I’m taking 300mg a day. It helps stabilize my mood for the most part, but now I have literally no desire to have sex or get near people. I do not watch pornography nor do I masturbate. I wonder if I am just realizing that I could be potentially asexual, or repulsed by my past acts of hypersexuality when my condition was going untreated??
|
self.bipolar
|
Please stop contacting me Dear ex friend
I don’t wanna be friends I’ve explained this to you repeatedly. I don’t want to discuss this ever , I only wanna forget this whole five years. Please leave me alone .
Goodbye
|
self.offmychest
|
My friend committed suicide. I can't live with the guilt. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Scared for my friend Today marks the 23rd day my friend has been gone.
My friend (online friend, we live in different countries) lived in a house with his abusive mom, and I'm not sure the situation with his dad, but he wouldn't be sent to live there. His friend knew, somewhat, of the abuse and called the police.
This happened 23 days ago. No one has heard from his since, nor has he been online. He missed his anniversary with his boyfriend, which is extremely important to him, and he wouldn't miss it if he could help it. I'm scared because I have no idea where he is, and have no way of knowing. I can only say he is /probably/ alive. He is either has his alcoholic uncle's house, or in the broken foster care system.
The reason I'm saying all this is I haven't been able to be calm in the past 2 weeks. I'm always on the verge of panic. I had gotten better before this, but now I'm back to having anxiety attacks every night, only now I have them during the day too. I can't see any hope, despite my desperate reaches for it. I don't know what to do, and I feel like getting this out could help.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I hate being brown and wish I was white I'm so sick of being what I am. I'm a mixed race person and I've hated myself since I was ten years old. My father is white and my mother is mixed but looks black and there are a lot of black people in her side of the family. They identify with the black community and the garbage that comes with it and I'm so angry at my mom for having me because people here in the south automatically assume that I'm black. I used to be white passing as a kid but even that got spoiled when someone would see my mother, then they'd know that I wasn't white. I've been picked on and bullied because of my race and none of it would have happened if my mother wasn't black! I wish my father had married a white woman instead so that I could be a normal person instead of this ugly brown monster. I hate being ethnically mixed. I hate being a living political statement rather than an actual human being. I hate not being white enough and also not being black enough for black people, not that I want to be black anyways. I wish I had my dads skin complexion but instead I'm an ugly hideous wretched tawny brown color and no matter how "white" I act, I'll never really fit in with the white crowd. I'll never get a date because of how ugly I look white girls won't give me the time of day and where I live black girls want white guys because they're considered a "trade up" from us brown guys. I can't say I blame them. I know I look like garbage and it's all my moms fault! I hate her! And I hate my dad for marrying her! I just want to be white! I've always wanted to be white. I used to think I was white when I was a kid, but I got more and more brown as I got older and now I look like crap! I used to spend hours in the shower scrubbing my skin trying to get the brown out, but eventually I realized I'm stuck like this for the rest of my life. Even If a girl could love me I couldn't have kids because they'd be even more disgusting than I am. I'm like a mule, not as beautiful as a horse and not as utilitarian as a donkey, just a worthless piece of garbage. I'm going to kill myself and just get it over with. I have no value as a human being anyway. I'm sick of myself and I should be gotten rid of like the filthy vermin I am.
|
self.offmychest
|
the realization... I JUST subscribed to this because I feel bleh.
I recently went to a "Compassion Fatigue" program at work because I thought that maybe the reason I was feeling down was because I was tired of internalizing people's emotions. 2-3 people at work have been having some really difficult time with life/school. I have tried to help them through it, but I think that in the process I caught the depression bug.
At the end of Summer I started to help these friends and began working overtime. Maybe working about 50-60 hours a week? On the weekends I would celebrate someone's birthday or some family function - the usual routine. 3 months later, and after this compassion fatigue thing AND talking to a friend who has had post-pardum depression tells me that I sound like I am having postpardum depression w/out the baby part. I believe her. I am numb. I have been crying while I'm driving. I have broken down at work. I have broken down at home..while I eat. Anywhere. Whenever I start sitting with my thoughts of ...work, success, almost done with grad school! All the things that I should be happy about, I just start to bawl out cry.
I have asked my boyfriend if he has seen any difference in me - he doesn't. He makes me happy and has been "relaxing" and napping with me - he gives me comfort. *initate crying* At a baby shower this weekend, I told my cousin (who is like a sister to me) that I may be depressed. She's a doc and told me that considering our family history w/ anxiety/depression - i should consider medication. Cool, thnx. Not sure if that's what I wanted to hear, but okay.
Now, I just want to complete my degree..hopefully by passing this dumb billion page portfolio w/out any snags. I almost also don't care if I don't pass because I can just pay the $200+ amount to redo the damn thing next semester. I've got one week to get my shit together...and I am barely making it.
Ideally - I want to take a month off from work. I want to sit on my bed/lazy boy. Watch TV/movies all day in my PJs and fall asleep in my baby's arms. I also want to cry. halp? not really - i just want to wallow in my sadness.
|
self.depression
|
Nobody cares if I die No friends and my parents called me a faggot for being suicidal
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Spent a week manic excited only to get stood up Hey guys!
For background:
I recently finally moved out of my parents place and have been spending alot of time alone since. I've been friends with this person for years but we went through some shit, driven by a depressive episode on my half, and haven't seen each other since. (tldr I did too many drugs and almost died) But we have talked. So we made plans for today, their suggestion not mine even! and as sad as it is I've been crazy excited for this. To the point where I didn't want to sleep and time was passing like I was watching grains of sand dropping in an hour glass.
No one has visited me but family yet and then only sparingly. Plus I've wanted to see this friend for so long! I got up and took a shower, cleaned myself up nicely. I made my weeks worth of crockpot food. Was singing along with my music. I waited for the text all night and gave up. (of course I can't text them first I didn't have a week to open and close and word the text correctly haha) Now I'm completely deflated, can't sleep, and generally feel like a heaping pile of shit. All these thoughts of "they hate you! They did it on purpose so you'll get the hint! No one wants to hang around you that's why no one visits!" Keep popping in my head.
I don't know why I posted this but I know you guys would understand. Thanks for listening
|
self.bipolar
|
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