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"I wish things could go back to the way they were" You know I've been through some tough time but this one takes the cake. I know I didn't seem like I cared at first, and to be frank, I didn't. We both agreed we'd been screwed over too many times to want anything serious. It was fun, messing around here and but never getting too into things. Then valentines day came around and I made the mistake of asking you out.
We got to see Ryan Reynolds ass violated on the IMAX screen (Deadpool movie) and laughed so hard together that we got looks form around the theater. I took you to my favorite bistro that I had never shared with anyone else, I bought you the twitch doll that you never would let leave your side in bed, I kissed you and told you I wanted to be more than just friends.
So began our year of fun. I showed you that our shitty home town wasn't the only place in the world, I can't even count the amount of adventures we went on. I took you to your first EDM concert (life in color) you said it was an experience you would never forget. I took you to cedar point every weekend because it's one of my favorite places I've ever been. I took you to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to show you the music and the bands you loved in person not over headphones.
When I told you I got accepted to college upstate you were so proud of me, but I could see the pain in your eyes. I told you I would cancel to stay by you since you couldn't leave your college in our hometown, but you insisted I chase my dreams and we would make it work.
I remember how you suggested we go to cedar point one more time before I left since we probably wouldn't have the time or money. That was such a fun week, we saved for months just to afford it. We got a room at Hotel Breakers, right on the beach. Every day riding rides, walking on the beach, or relaxing in the hot tub. I even managed to get you to face your fears and come parasailing with me.
It was that night after parasailing that at dinner I tried to describe to you how I felt. After 10 minutes of trying to say I love you in a way that makes sense you just looked at me and told me that Emotional detachment disorder or not you knew I loved you and you loved me.
Finally it came time for me to leave for college. Every night we would skype. It didn't matter if it was to talk, play league of legends together, or sit quietly and do homework/papers together. I texted you every morning, after every class, just every chance i got, and you did the same. One of us would come to the other every free weekend we got.
That first semester was fun, but without you it just didn't make me happy. When I told you switched entirely online classes and moved up here with me. When we moved in I was ecstatic, sure I had to take on a fast food job that i hated with my classes but it was worth it to have you next to me every night. I bought you a brand new gaming PC to celebrate so you could finally try playing other game than league with me just like you wanted. But I guess that when everything started going downhill.
You found a job up here that overworked you to the extreme, no one should work 45-50 hours a week and go to school full time. I did my best to help you on homework whenever I was off and done with my own. But your grades were slipping still. I started ignoring my own school work to help you and finally your grades stabilized. But still you were stressed and tired 24/7... So without telling you I dropped out and got a 2nd factory job to raise more money.
With the bank account always filled with surplus you finally quit and found yourself a part time job at a pet shop up north a bit and were so happy. Your grades improved drastically, you were always happy and because of that so was I. But I was always tired from the work, and from what you say you took this on as unhappiness with you. You started getting sad again and in turn so did I.
At last I found a good paying sales manager job and was able to quit both the shitty ones and keep us stable as you liked it. Your birthday rolled around and I made a candle lit dinner with baked salmon, and your favorite flowers all ready for when you got home. I put on my suit and when you walked in the door I threw the new dress I bought you at you and had you go put it on. When oyu got downstairs I turned on stand by me (Florence and the machine cover because shes an angel) and we danced before we ate.
Fast forward to the summer, you got full time at your store. I was so proud of you. We drove to Michigan just to celebrate at the nearest Joe's Crab Shack. It sucked a bit, you were no longer home when I came back on lunch breaks. I always closed and you always opened so we couldn't ever really do anything. But at least we could play games, watch movies, and be together. This is about when I bought the ring and waited for the right time.
Then you started being home less and less, coming home later and later. Texts were a rare pleasure. Suddenly you were apparently working 12+ hour days, sometimes having to stay at a "Friends" since you closed and then had to open even though you were only 35 minutes away . I started drinking without you there and whenever you came home to me drunk you didn't like it at all. It was when I was pouring a glass when you came in and told me you hated how much I started to drink. I knocked the glass into the sink and poured the brand new bottle I had opened right down the drain in front of you. I didn't drink for 3 months after that.
We stopped having sex and I didn't mention it for months. Finally I couldn't handle it and I asked why, you told me you no longer found me attractive like that. I didn't blame you, I had gained 60 pounds since college, so I started working out.
Nothing changed though, you still were rarely home... Then one night you brought HIM home, the *just a friend*. We met we played games, it was whatever. But I noticed when he went to leave you walked him to his car, something you have never done for any of your other friends.
I got crazy, I went through your phone, I saw everything. All the I love you's, miss you's, all the things we used to have. The next time you said you wouldn't be home that night I decided to follow where you went from work. Sure enough it was with the * just a friend*. I texted you I hate you, you called, I screamed. The next day you showed up to move out.
After showing the ring, you admitted to cheating. After talking you decided to apologize for everything and stay. We said we'd make it work, just like we did before. You said you'd be home every night, just like before. But you didn't, and we didn't. You continued to talk to him, you couldn't make it to the concert I wanted to go to for my birthday but you straight up bought tickets to go with him to the one he wanted to go see for his. You still only came home once every one to two weeks, but you started to fuck me again (I wonder if he knows, Hey dipothedino or whatever your screen name is, if you see this know your "gf" is still fucking her ex).
I knew why, but I didn't care. It was cheaper and easier to keep staying with him and stay on our lease than anything else. I was still so head over heels in love with you I just wanted you to kiss me and say you loved me. I asked you to be home for sweetest day and you said ok. I completely recreated the birthday dinner I had made for you and patiently waited. 10pm hit, you should be here in a half hour... 10:30... 11... 12.... Finally you call to tell me you won't be making it. I threw the flowers out the back drank my night away.
It was just a few nights ago that you showed up wit hflowers and a happy anniversary card. That night we were and you said, "I wish things could go back to the way they were, I miss our little family."
Really, you miss it? How do you think I feel. I'm the one in the bed I bought for us alone every night wondering if this will be the night you actually come home. I'm the one who invested his future completely in you only for this. And that when it clicked, I finally lost all feeling for you.
If you actually missed how things were, you would change. After all, that's the only thing that is different. You. Your bed is still here, your computer, the man you used to love. The only thing missing is you. And so I told you as soon as the lease was up I was cutting you out. You were surprised, hurt even, since I'm at least friendly with all my other ex's, but I refuse to be treated this way. I am better than this, I deserve better than this. I will not allow myself to continue to be manipulated. I gave you everything I had to offer, I did my best and it was not enough. So I don't hate and I don't love you. You're just a stranger at this point. But all the same I'm stuck here saying...
"I wish things could go back to the way they were"
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self.offmychest
|
Tomorrow. Update. I have decided that I am going to do it tomorrow. If any of you would like to know how or why then look at my previous post.
I am now writing my notes (to friends and family) and I can say that this is the clearest my mind has been in a while. I feel a sense of happiness and joy with this closure but yet I'm terrified at the same time.
Do I feel bad about leaving my friends and the 2 family members that actually love me? Of course I do. To the people that think of suicide as selfish I can see where you are coming from; but until you have lived with mental illnesses you will never understand and I truly hope you never have to.
Anyway. I need to get back to my notes. Thank you all for trying to provide support.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Everyone thinks it's so easy to be happy (until it's not) [deleted]
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self.depression
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Nothing ever seems to get better. Everytime I feel it does it comes crashing down Fuck. Lot of backstory. Got kicked out if my last place, so I've spent the past almost 3 months sleeping on the couch or floor of various friends homes.
I've had a car in the shop I can't afford to get out, everytime I almost have the money something comes up.
Got within the 2100 I needed to move home and needed an emergency root canal, and now I'm broke.
Planned on getting my car out this weekend and got a call from a friend that apparently my dog hurt his leg and had been limping three weeks (why they didn't tell me sooner I don't know).
I got the call literally as I was headed to urgent care with a severe foot injury that's making it impossible to walk on. Now I can't do that because I can't risk them making me take off work because I need to save up to get my dog to a vet. I don't care about my pain, I just don't want him in pain
Speaking of the dog, I haven't seen him in almost 6 months. He's my best friend and has been almost 10 years. And he's honestly the only reason I'm still here.
My girlfriend just suddenly left me, no reasons why, or even words. Just left me tonight. I know I shouldn't feel sad but it was almost 4 years and almost the whole relationship she was abusive to me, mentally, emotionally and even physically. But still to have her just leave has me feeling horrible.
At this point I have no idea what to do
I'm so close to getting my dog to a vet getting him fixed, and then finding a safe permanent home for him because I can't take care of him if I can't take care of myself. And once I know he's good, just ending it....
I walk over a tall bridge home from work and I have thoughts of jumping quite often. But I'm not so selfish to ruin other people's day who are just driving home beneath the bridge on the freeway. So I would do it another day.
Almost died 3 weeks ago...only here cause my friends roommates girlfriend came home at 3 am from work and found me passed out from whiskey choking on vomit and rolled me over. Everyday I wish that didn't happen
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self.depression
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Goal Setting Sunday 9.24.17 Let's work towards goals together this week! What do you hope to accomplish this week?
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self.bipolar
|
Where can I find online mental help? Preferably free. Anything that'll help me get through this, whether it is talking to someone or a website about how to conquer depression. Idk what else to do.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Is anyone else awake right now just because they have nothing better to do Not really doing anything tonight, I don't want tomorrow to come because I have a bunch of stuff to do and I just don't want to deal with it, I don't want this week to come either, so much damn fucking stuff to do.
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self.depression
|
I feel like shit Girlfriend and I broke up a month ago, been staying close friends. She went on a date yesterday and I broke down since I still love her, she says she still loves me and still wants to be best friends and she wants to try us dating again in a month when we both come back from break. December is going to fucking suck, I hate feeling this shit. I can't eat anymore, I get sick after only a little bit. I think I'm going to cut again even though I promised her I wouldn't. I feel so empty, and she says she feels full. I hate my life right now, I hate myself.
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self.offmychest
|
some notes i took last night *POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING* after two days of feeling alive again, last night i collapsed and this is what my depression looks like:
NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU, THEY ALL LOOK TO BE CALM AND HAVE A GOOD TIME AND THEY ACT LIKE NOTHING'S HAPPENING. THEY SHOUT AT ME AND TELL ME I'LL END UP IN THE MENTAL HOSPITAL, MY DAD IN THE GRAVEYARD (because of an argument with him i collapsed) AND MY MOTHER IN PRISON (she said she'd kill him, although I now know I she was exaggerating, I couldn't bear it yesterday. Felt like I'd fucked everything up). I TRY TO NOT LISTEN AND I COVER MY OWN EARS BECAUSE IT'S ALL BULLSHIT AND THEY SAY I'M CRAZY. I HATE THIS. MY SISTER TOLD ME THAT I'M FAKING MY BREAKDOWN FOR ATTENTION. NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME, THEY ONLY WANT TO BE OKAY THEMSELVES AND NOT HAVE ANY TROUBLE. I AM THE ONE WHO'S SUFFERING. IF I TIRE THEM SO MUCH THEN THE SOLUTION IS TO KILL MYSELF, THEY TREAT ME LIKE TOTAL SHIT AND IT'S ALL ABOUT THEM. I'D RATHER DIE AND NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANYBODY.
Now that it's the next day, I can understand that my family was trying to get me out of the shit-filled circle to not go back into the hole I was finally getting out of. I felt attacked, I felt alone, I felt misunderstood, I felt like I deserved death.
This is what my depression looks like, more specifically my breakdowns on depression.
Does this happen to any of you? I'm so sorry if it triggered anyone.
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self.depression
|
Mood swings Does anyone else have mood swings? I sometimes feel bad/good at night but then good/bad in the morning. Sometimes I'll go days feeling super depressed and then days feeling not so depressed, seemingly at random.
I don't think it was always like this. Maybe I've developed bipolar disorder or something?
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self.depression
|
I Just Told Someone I Have Social Anxiety! Long time lurker, first time poster. This is a huge step for me, and I just really wanted to talk about it with people who also understand.
Last Wednesday, my therapist set me a challenge - to tell one of my friends that I have social anxiety. I tend to think of my own mental illnesses as a shameful thing, something to hide from the rest of the world, whist I encourage other people who suffer from mental illnesses to share their experiences. She challenged me to tell someone I trust about my social anxiety, to relieve that burden (so to speak).
She also challenged me to try and make a new friend - to talk to people I haven't spoken with before.
Well, I did both this week!! I talked to someone in my class that I'd not spoken to before, and turns out, he's really friendly and very nice to me - even when I feel like I'm being awkward, or not-so-comfortable in my social interacitons. So, I (about 5 minutes ago) just told him that I have social anxiety, after I admitted it's hard for me to have face-to-face interactions and he responded with something along the lines of "I understand, and I'd like to make it easier for you".
I just don't have anyone else to say this to, but this is such a massive jump in my progress. I've cried for about 10 minutes now over my anxiety and how accepting my new friend has been - I'm just so happy over this! I never in my life, thought that I would be able to do something like this. But I did it!!
Things are finally, finally looking up for me. I know I still have such an intense fear of social interaction, but just knowing that I have at least one person who's willing to speak to me regardless of my fears, just gives me hope that things will one day get better.
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self.Anxiety
|
What's the point? I've suffered from depression for most of my life. I'm 21 and was diagnosed when I was 10-11 and have been through many therapists, hospitals, psychiatrists, and medications.
Over the last probably 20 months, it's gotten worse than ever. I tried committing suicide 7 times and was hospitalized for more than a month at one point. I went through ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy: controlled seizures through electric pulses into the brain) which has done nothing but made my memory turn to absolute shit and given me short term memory issues. I started to get better within the last couple months, but the more my life goes on, the more I just want it to end. I have no drive for anything. No ambitions. No will to live and keep going. Today is the lowest I've been since my last attempt on my life. I just want to stop existing. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of being a burden to everyone. I'm tired of trying to fix myself. I just want everything to be over with so my family doesn't have to pay my medical bills anymore and they can live their happy lives out. I hate myself for doing this to my family. I spent 5 hours today locked in a small closet with earbuds in and playing my favorite music as loud as possible to try and drown out the thoughts. Nothing works. I don't know what to do. Why can't I just go ahead and die to end my suffering? We do it to animals all the time. Why am I different from a sick horse that needs to be put down? At least a horse is more useful than me.
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self.depression
|
Can therapy help me? Hello. I have lots of things on my mind but If I would have to make it short, my situation is this
Been smoking weed daily for 4 years. For past 2 years, I get depressive and anxious thoughts. My biggest issue is with girls. I would not mind other bullshit. But that fact that I am inexperienced 22 year old guy just destroys me. I hate myself for it and I think that around 70% women would cheat on me if they were given good chance. Can therapy help someone like me?
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self.Anxiety
|
looking for someone to talk to while I try to work out of using suicide as an escape fantasy hi
I have problems in life
I am trying to solve them so I can stop feeling suicidal
I don't want to die, but I feel like nothing I do helps me feel better
and sometimes I just purposefully do things to make myself feel worse so I'm more likely to die in a way that looks accidental, or I just feel in so much pain that I do kill myself
I do feel suicidal but these are the only actions I can take
I don't want people in my life who want me to live to suffer from me taking my life
so I just feel like I try to take it passively, because as much as I suppress the feeling it is still there
I am really sad tonight, but I'm trying to have faith l did something different this time
it's really hard though, and I feel like giving up and just dying
it feels like a catch 22
people run away or wall up or are mean to me, because I'm suicidal
I'm suicidal because that has happened to me so many times and somehow I'm still alive
I want to heal but it feels impossible to believe in
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self.SuicideWatch
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I hate "news" organizations that straight up lie, making people like my dad believe them. I love my dad. He's amazing. But Christ, I mentioned net neutrality and he goes "well it's only been around for 2 years". When I told him that was wrong, he wouldn't listen! He only reads Fox News and Breitbart, and refuses to look at any other news sites. I mean, I believe in multiple sources for news, but those sites say Trump is fighting the war on Christmas, and when I disprove that (told him Obama literally said Merry Christmas multiple times in his speeches), my dad doesn't listen and brings up an isolated incident in Italy where a woman destroyed a nativity scene at the vatican. I mean, COME ON!
I'm not saying he shouldn't be conservative, but at least listen to more than one source.
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self.offmychest
|
Extreme frustration while using fine motor skills? Not sure if this is the right sub, but I'm having a hard time googling exactly what I mean.
Does anyone else have issues where they get extremely frustrated and physically cannot continuing things that require moderately high accuracy movement? Tasks like threading a needle, piecing together two small components, or even something larger like clicking exact points with a mouse. Sometimes when I try to do things like this my brain and entire body just feels absolutely terrible and I get in an awful mood and can't continue.
The threshold for this kind of response varies depending on the day and recently it's been super low. The past two days I had to stop working on school assignments because I was getting super frustrated just by creating flowcharts and stuff in PowerPoint.
This really sucks because I feel like I can't do super simple tasks - I'm like a little kid who throws a fit because he can't get his Legos to fit together haha. Does anyone have a similar experience? Does it probably just have to do with stress and anxiety, or might it be something else? Thanks.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I dont know how to help my friend. Please help me. My friend has never had an really easy life. She never got along with her parents, I remember in elementary school she would always come to school with red eyes, presumably due to crying. Fast forward to when she turned 18, she had a huge fight with her parents that led to her getting kicked out of her home. She bounced around with friends before renting a place for a while. It was around this time that she starting hanging out with her girlfriend heavily, like to the point where she lived with her. All seemed to be fine until they broke up. My friend... she never
really got over her and it has plagued her since. When everyone went off to college, she happened to end up living only a few rooms down from my friend. She saw her everyday. Saw her with new guys and girls, enjoying life without her and because we all have the same friend group, they saw each other all the time. This along withtrouble adjusting to the college life, led my friend
over the tipping point. She has asked multiple people,
friends and acquaintances alike to end her life. The first time
this happened was last year, its now happened twice, with the last
time being 3 weeks ago. As a result, she has been also getting into harder drugs, mostly heroin. Now she isnt addicted per se but she has done it a handful of times and i dont know how long it takes to get addicted. Basically my question is how do I help my friend. I am way out of my depth, she is a very stubborn and untrusting person and its very hard to get her to like the idea of telling more people because she is worried that people with stop treating her like normal. I feel that if I betray her trust and tell people, she will close off for good and I won't be able to do anything to help.
Idk if thats too little information or too much, I am
just fucking terrified for my friend and I'm only a
dumbass 20 year old. Please help.
TLDR: Read the whole thing, my friend's life is in danger.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I think my academic career may be over Hey everyone.
I've royally fucked up my semester, which would be the sixth time in a row.
I keep trying to tell myself that mental health is more important than grades, but our society puts so much emphasis on a degree. There are retroactive measures that I could take, but I've used these a lot. My debt accumulation is also starting to worry me, as I've already taken out almost a third more than I would've had to if I were healthy.
I don't know how I feel. Numb maybe? I used to be an honors student, and now I've done poorly academically these past six (including this one) semesters.
I'm supposed to be graduating next semester (already a year behind schedule).
(I'm stable enough that I'm not going to do anything drastic.)
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self.bipolar
|
Some days are still really hard. I'm nowhere near that dark place I used to be, but sometimes those dark moments just creep up from time to time. And sometimes being alive feels like such a chore.
|
self.offmychest
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Avoiding Roommate Drama My roommate moved her girlfriend in back in September. I thought it was temporary. It seems like it has become permanent and I want her out. She started verbally calling me names like we lived in a cliched daytime soap. I found out she deals with drugs and addicted to pills, has people all times of night. The apartment is very small 1 bedroom, that I agreed to share with one person and that's it.
I constantly feel like I can't live in my own home.
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self.Anxiety
|
I feel more numb than depressed haha Somehow, I can't feel any emotion anymore. I often fake my expressions and express dissatisfaction over the things I love. How is this? Has my depression gotten so ill that I can't literally feel anything anymore?
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self.depression
|
Why don't more of you who make threads drink? I'm skimming through this sub section, and don't get me wrong, I hve anxiety myself, probably worse then most of you tbh..
But it's almost like people here have never taken a shot (yes 1 shot dont overdo it obviously or you're PHUCKED later anxiety wise).
But if you gradually took a shot, you would see how personable you are incomparison to your shutin self..
But the key point is DONT DRINK TOO MUCH, take a shot, get loose, dont get cocky, talk more and repeat a few hours later and whatnot..
I mean I'd rather take 3 shots a day over being an insecure, anxiety ridden mess (I'd be worse if I didn't drink I wouldn't even be posting on here etc)
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self.Anxiety
|
I want to die but I feel like I'm not allowed to and I hate it. I feel like I'm not being dramatic or emotional, but objectively feel like I have no reason to live or purpose.
I've made promises that I would stop being suicidal essentially, but I can't help these feelings.
I have too much to cover in therapy. The 1-2 weeks between sessions is too long and I feel like I'm drowning.
All I can do is take my anxiety meds to help me sleep (prescribed dosage), but I'm not really living then, am I?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Serious Case of Blue Balls (NSFW) So I met this woman at a bar two weeks ago. She looked like an angel. Beautiful face and exquisite curves. I was visiting a bartender friend of mine and she was on a date with a much older man. I was definitely keeping an eye on her but I wasn't too invested. The bartender and I went outside for a smoke every now and then and the four of us got to chatting. Once inside, her date split and she came up to my friend and I and started chatting us up. She and I became very engrossed in conversation. She told me she thought I was interesting and smart and that she liked talking to me. She was also getting very handsy with me. I'm not that great looking of a guy and she was way out of my league. I didn't really know how to respond. I'm not wired to have a gorgeous woman touching me and wanting to sit closely with me. Before long, it's closing time and I walk her out to her car. We exchange numbers and go our separate ways. Over the next few weeks we text each other casually.
Fast forward to last night and she calls me to tell me that her parents are out of town and she'd like me to come over. I almost can't believe my ears and race over to her house. The thoughts of having sex with a drop-dead gorgeous woman definitely cross my mind. I get to her house and she grabs me by the hand and shows me around the house. She is being very touchy with me all night long. I was there for six hours and didn't close the deal. She showed me pictures on her laptop and sat on my lap the whole time. She was even complimentary of my package as my hardon raged. We slow danced to romantic music and she could barely keep her hands off me the entire night. The weird thing was that she rejected any and all of my advances. I wasn't being pushy at all but anytime I would go in for a kiss, she would just give me a peck and resisted anything more. I didn't push the issue because I always want to make sure any advances are %100 consensual for both parties. I had a raging hardon for six hours straight. A beautiful angel of a woman couldn't stop being handsy and wanting me to hold her all night. She was just absolutely against me initiating anything.
At about 3:30 am I told her I had to go home and get some sleep. I tried once more for something more than a hug and again I got denied. She thanked me for not having sex with her and I left dejected. I was practically punching my dick on the drive home. Blue balls really suck.
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self.offmychest
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I’m desperate to sleep I’m so tired. It’s been more than two weeks of this madness. I actually want to sleep for a change. I’m a grown ass man crying in bed because I want nothing more from my life than to just sleep. Does anyone have any strategies or suggestions? What do you guys do in this place. I’m so miserable. It feels so bad. My whole body hurts.
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self.bipolar
|
New to anxiety, need advice. I would not say I am an anxious person or have ever really felt anxiety in my life until just a couple years ago. But after my dad died, I get these weird attacks now and I'm not sure how to deal with them.
Every few months I go through a 4-6 day period of time where I experience these symptoms:
- I sleep very poorly, and often jolt awake feeling like I've stopped breathing.
- Random waves of "butterflies" in my chest and stomach for no reason at all; tightness.
- Overall feeling not being well; low appetite, waves of mild nausea, fatigue.
- Inability to focus, sometimes forget common things like frequently used passwords that I use every day.
Are these anxiety attacks? Does anyone have suggestions on how to deal with this more effectively than just "wait it out". Thanks in advance for your advice.
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self.Anxiety
|
BP type 1 and short term memory issues? When in a manic episode, I have problems with my focus so that might be why I forget small things consistently. Recently, though, I've said things then immediately forgot (within an hour approx.). Anyone else have this issue? I just started taking a mood stabilizer, but it's such a low dose and it's only been a week. I didn't think that would affect me yet.
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self.bipolar
|
I'm stuggling with a symptom of my anxiety. I'm 39F. I don't know anyone who has this happen to them. I'm curious to know if others have this and what they do to cope.
When I am in social situations, I can lose my hearing. It's not complete deafness, but a similar sensation to swimmer's ear, where one ear, sometimes both, feels very full. No amount of pressure relieving techniques like holding my nose and blowing, chewing gum, or anything else helps in the moment. I've tried taking a Xanax or having an alcoholic beverage, and no relief. When the social situation ends, so does the ear problem, so it seems pretty clearly related to anxiety.
This issue was pretty bad for me about six years ago when I started dating a new boyfriend and found myself in a lot of new social situations, introducing each other to our friends, etc. It seemed to resolve itself on its own, but has recently cropped up again and I'm scared.
I recently lost my hearing during Thanksgiving dinner and then again a few days later when I was wedding dress shopping. I was looking forward to both events, so I can't figure out why I was triggered during these times. What's most upsetting is the fact this is happening again and I have no idea how to deal with it. I've been in therapy in the past and never made any progress with this problem. Now I'm terrified that I'm going to feel like this on my wedding day and be miserable.
Thoughts? Similar experiences? Any insight is welcome!
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self.Anxiety
|
What unusual/creative coping methods do you use to help manage your anxiety during day to day tasks? Maybe you wear headphones to the grocery store, or bribe yourself with chocolate to make yourself go pick up a prescription (that only works for me on a more mild anxiety day).
I want to hear all the little adjustments you make or tricks you use to get through whatever tasks or environments you struggle with
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self.Anxiety
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Constantly in pain Have you ever experienced so much pain and mental struggle that the amount of things that you think when you are having a crisis make your brain suddenly shuts down and stop caring about it all?
I’m feeling it now and I cant care about me or anything, I just want to explode and complete my fucked up level of shit
I can’t even control myself so my brain decides to make me stop caring about myself and it makes me suicidal as fuck
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self.depression
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What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while manic? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I really don't know what to put here I really don't know how to start this either, I guess first off I'll just say thank you for reading this, I don't really know what to do with my life (This will be long so no worries of you don't read)
(If this is in the wrong subreddit, I'm sorry! I thought this would belong on /r/depression but I don't want any people over there to think about suicide because I know what it's like)
My whole life I've kind of had trouble, I'm stuck between being a completely socially awkward introvert, and a outgoing easy to socialise person, (I'm without a doubt definently on the introverted side, but I still sometimes crave social things and I hate it) I don't get along well with pretty much all teenagers, a rough estimate being 90%, I get along fine with children and adults but despise being with teenagers and people around the similar age as me (don't get me wrong, I'm fine with teens as long as they aren't bad people)
I still really don't know why I'm making this post, I guess to vent... A short summary of my life, I've had problems with school pretty much all of my life, not academically, I strive with academics, but because of my peers, I had years where I would only go to school once every two weeks ish, I was scared out of my mind by stuff that happened there
Once I got into highschool, I was completely fine for the first or so year, but downwards spiral, I had 'friends' who I thought I could completely trust, as my whole life I've never really had many friends, but they ended up stabbing me in the back, lots of other things but that's what comes to mind right now, after all this I became scared of school again, grades dropping, cycle of "Oh hahaha why are you barely at school, can you not handle this?" making it worse
Then about a year and a half ago, my rollercoaster ride happened... I met a girl online, we fell in love pretty quickly together (before you start thinking this is a catfish story, no it's not don't worry), she was my first ever and I was a hopeless romantic; I dreamt of a future of just us together forever basically a cliche disney plot, she was basically the same
We dated for a bit more than a year, planned future together and such, and me being me, I ruined it all
During all of that time, I've seen multiple psych's, I'm on antidepressants (fluxotine if it matters) which I had to fight tooth and nail for, the psych's were very against it because I was a teen, but the antidepressants have helped me alot, but I'm not so sure about them, they kind of just numb me down, that's how it feels... But it makes me so much less depressed which takes stress and pressure of my family, so I have no problems there, I do schooling online, so not much reason to leave the house which I'm thankful for
Now... I still get bouts of depression, even when I don't feel depressed I want to kill myself, I know it's cliche but I have nothing to live for, my family would be the only reason I haven't yet, plus I'm a coward and afraid of failing and any pain... Things are looking brighter now but I still just want to die, it's literally the easiest thing to do, and even though I know it wouldn't help people close to me emotionally, it would help them financially, and their emotional pain would ease after a while.. If I were offered a choice between living, or just erasing my existence, I'm pretty sure I'd go with the latter... It would be beneficial to pretty much everyone, I just cause pain and stress to people.
I'm curious if there's any methods that are kind of just like "erasing your existence" I've done alot of research about suicide, but all of them have their risks, and the ones that seem appealing are hard to setup or may cost lots of money
I'm sorry if I broke any rules or such, but thank you for reading. Has anyone been or is going through a similar situation?
I hope this isn't breaking any rules but, to any lurkers reading this, as cliche as it is know you're **not** alone, can't say if things get better in life, everyone has different circumstances, but you have nearly a whole community on this subreddit if you do need somebody, I wish you luck
Thank you for reading, I really appreciate you doing that for another human being (you kind human being, you *are* appreciated <3) I got pretty anxious about posting this but oh well
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self.SuicideWatch
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Back at it again Im back on my bullshit. My first semester of college is about to end and I thought I was doing so well. But it all had to come back, as usual. Relapsed in my selfharm, and I'm constantly high. I don't think I've been sober in days. I'm thinking about dropping out of college already.
I really don't give a fuck right now, I got enough money to smoke for a couple months.
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self.depression
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My depression is really effecting me during School I can't concentrate. I keep getting a headache or forgetting stuff I learned. Yesterday I had a friend come over help me with my math homework and I did okay. Took me awhile to get the hang of it. Today I had a test in algebra and couldn't remember how to do it. Which lead me to go this dark spiral of thoughts. I finished it but mainly guessed.
My depression is making me forget stuff and can't make me concentrate. I can barely remember stuff that happened to me for the past few days or weeks. If I think really hard I get an intense headache
It sucks :(
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self.depression
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Left turns are the bane of my existence Like I hate making left turns and making them makes me so anxious that I've had to pull over because I would get the shakes. When I'm in my car it isn't as bad as it used to be, but sometimes I'll still go around other ways to either pick a different left turn or take a path that doesn't require a left turn. Once I get used to it though I can manage a left turn.
But in my bike it is so hard because I'm on the right side of the road and its a bike, which is way more dangerous than a car. So not only do I have to turn left I have to figure out when to get into the center of the road to make the turn. Plus, for a college town people don't really know how to handle a bike on the road either, so my safety is 100% on me. But to go to campus I have to turn left twice no matter what.
I guess what I want to know is anyone has anyone has any ideas/techniques to deal with this kind of issue? I'd really like to ride my bike to classes to save me about half an hour every day so I'm not walking back and forth between campus (which is 30 min one way). Also, if anyone wants to share something that makes them anxious that seems silly I would love to hear it!
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self.Anxiety
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Best insurance options for someone that needs lots of help with anxiety. I don’t know if this sort of post is aloud here.....but worth a shot I guess. I had to drop my insurance with affordable care act this year cause getting married caused them to boost it to something I couldn’t afford. But it’s enrollment time and I know I need a lot more therapy, a psychiatrist evaluation, and medications. So like what is best to look for in an insurance plan when you have psychological help needs.....This is my first time doing it without a parents help too so I don’t know where to start....Anyone have any suggestions ?
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self.Anxiety
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Texting Man, I'm texting this guy and I feel like I'm bombing the conversation! Its a platonic thing and I have trouble making and maintaing friendships.
I mean I'm keeping the conversation open, but I'm worried about being boring. Tonight is supposed to be the first time hanging out, but he might be too tired from his job. Idk...
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self.Anxiety
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Not strong I know it’s sounds nice to hear that “you’re strong because you’re battling with your mind everyday” but I think it’s bullshit. I didn’t choose to have to be strong. I’m actually quite weak and the only reason I’m still battling my mind everyday is because I have no other choice and I’m too much of a bitch to kill myself.
I don’t hate this disorder because it messes up how I feel or because my moods are off, I hate it because my psychosis made me into a whole different person and now I barely recognize myself. I don’t talk the same way I used to and I don’t look the same way because I now overeat because I’m so depressed. I feel like everyone else who has bipolar can’t relate to me at all. I have problems even socializing now.
I wish this would all go away. I wish I would just disappear.
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self.bipolar
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Why do people online regurgitate the same cat jokes over, and over, and OVER!? [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Tired of it I’m always second option to people, no matter how hard i try. I’m so stupid. My friend and our mutual guy friend(her ex) were going to the movies and he told her he was gonna pay for everything. We have plans now to hit up the movies (she ditched him and I asked) and made the stupid mistake of assuming he was gonna too. I shouldn’t have though tbh. He joked around like normal but I just feel like a fucking idiot. How dare i think i’m that worthy of someone. Fuck me.
Only person that’s ever made me feel special dumped me because he wanted to get his life right. Thinking on that I was the one that brought his life down. He’ll only talk to me if I do.
I’m so tired of feeling lonely and sad, I hate being in my room alone because I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts. I hate looking for someone to rely on emotionally because i’m too unstable for myself. I hate school. I hate people. hate myself. I just want to run away forever
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’m starting to feel like isolating myself again and I need to not It’s crazy, I’ll have like one good week and then one thing happens and the next week is doomed to be bad.
It would be one thing if I felt like I just need to be alone to like recharge or something, but I know this feeling too well. I have a group of friends down at the beach right now and I’m supposed to meet up with them after work and I was really excited a few hours ago but now I’m dreading it a little because I feel like presence there will make everything worse. I have to be honest, I have it treated everyone in my life as great as I should be and I’m trying so hard to make up for it, but I feel like they’ve moved on without me. One girl I used to be SUPER close with, is now a lot closer with another friend and it’s making me super insecure and sad. And I know our friendship can never be the same, or at least I don’t know how it will be. And they sent selfies together in a group message and it just made me... really sad. I know it’s terrible and selfish and obviously people can be friends with each other but I just miss having a really strong and healthy friendship with another girl the way that we did. I want to have a good weekend but it feels impossible now, and I want everyone there to have a good weekend and I don’t want to make it bad. I don’t know what to do.
So I just feel like crawling into my little isolation hole and being sad by myself while knowing that everyone hates me... to be honest I don’t know why I’m overthinking it cause honestly no one would care if I did isolate myself. It’s just I want to be better, not just for other people but for myself too.
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self.Anxiety
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I hate the "Me Too" movement! The idea that female accusers of male sexual impropriety must automatically be believed because they can never make it up and we must throw out any standards of proof regarding that is dangerous.
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self.offmychest
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Can I be selfish... I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts that I fear I've become more reckless in my behaviors. I lost the satisfaction and joy in helping others and uplifting them. I volunteered for crisis Text Line and I still find myself wondering how pointless for me to help them. I start wondering when am I allowed to be selfish. Why is it that even when I plan my suicide, I would consider ways to make it look like an accident to save others the truth. To die in a way my organs could be salvaged for others to live from. When does it become okay to be selfish and want someone to cherish and love me... To be that kind of selfish where I can be clingy and desperately claw onto someone for their love... To not feel like I'm desperate and that it is ok to have someone I want to selfishly have all to myself... I feel like I'm chained because I'm thinking of others first ... When is it OK to be greedily selfish... I hate how every thought of wanting to reach out feels like an attention grab... That all I do is cry each night missing the people I had in my life... That I only lived this far is because I always did it for others... I feel alone. People say that you aren't, but you are. A touch, a hug, a kiss is only skin deep. What I feel, only I will know alone. They cannot share my feeling because it is mine, not ours. It is the thought that they can only understand to a point because they are not me. I wait to be struck down or taken by death. Each step is a step closer to death accelerated by recklessness. I don't know what I need in life, I know what I want, but I can only get nothing.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My father and both brothers have died in the past three years. Hello Everyone,
I've never posted on this subreddit before. I try to read it when I can but this is my first time posting. Let's start with my situation. I've had major depressive disorder for all of my adult life and a good portion of my childhood. I always felt like I didn't belong and was unwanted.
Since 2010 I have been in regular treatment and have found a good medication for me (effexor). I've been much more functional over these past seven years and have come a long way. However, I have lost so much since 2014.
In September of 2014 my father died of renal failure. I was tasked with making the burial and service arrangements. I did so without complaint as a final service to my father. I felt honored to be able to perform this task for him.
In October of 2015 my oldest brother, who was diagnosed with cerebral palsy and completely bed ridden, died unexpectedly. I use the word unexpectedly because suddenly doesn't seem to me to be the right word. He was slowly dying over the past several years but we didn't expect it to happen when it did. Again, I was tasked with making the arrangements and again I felt honored to perform this service for my brother whom I loved.
Then there was a long gap of two years when no one died. I thought the nightmare was over. That's when my brother's girlfriend called me and told me that her daughter had found my brother on floor of her living room and that he was blue. This was November 7th of 2017. I felt that he was dead, but quickly rushed over there with my mother.
When we arrived the EMT's and paramedics told us that he was indeed dead. I went into shock as did my mother. I remember screaming and almost falling over. Three of the EMT's grabbed me to keep me steady. I had to deal with everything again, all of it. I spoke with the coroner, made the funeral arrangements, supported my mother and my brother's family (girlfriend and step daughter).
We buried him this past Saturday, November 11th 2017. He's gone just like my other brother and my father. I have no siblings left and only one parent. It's a lot to deal with in such a short span. I don't really know why I am posting this, save to say that I am in a full blown episode of depression due to the trauma of his death and I am still hanging on.
I do not want to die. I do not want to harm myself. I want to move through this grief and trauma and work toward the goals in life I have set for myself both professionally and personally. I feel very much alone right now, even though I know rationally that there are many people here for me. I could call upon someone now if need be. But I do not. Now is the time for me to grieve and to let the pain of my brother's loss move through me. I need to heal and that will take time, but understanding that I can survive such trauma proves to me that I am stronger than I ever thought myself to be.
If you are in pain, if you feel alone, if you want to hurt or kill yourself then just remember that someone loves you. They might not have told you that or spoken to you in a long time but that doesn't mean they don't love you. My older brother (the one who recently died) and I barely spoke, yet I do not doubt for one milisecond that he loved me. Any time I needed him, he was there. Just like any time he needed me then I was there.
Life takes people away from you but it also gives you people as well. There is both good and bad in the world even if all you can see right now is the bad. Don't give up hope. Carry on. Fight. I know just how exhausting it is, but like George Carlin said "Life is Worth Losing." Take care, friends. I love you all.
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self.depression
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I'm going through a really hard time, but what I'm doing is wrong, and I'm afraid. I don't know what to do. TL;DR: I am an exploited adjunct, but I have a great boss, and am a great teacher; I was forced to take time off recently and have other instructors take over my classes after developing agoraphobia due to long-term PTSD after experiencing abuse and rape over a period of time last year. After a few months of deep depression in which I hardly moved and didn't check my bank balance, I finally did, and noticed I was still being paid for those classes, and that I've spent most of the money paying rent and bills. I worked way too hard for what I was paid as an adjunct and never received benefits, and the instructors who took over my classes are also being paid, but this is an excuse for what I know to be wrong. However, I am too depressed/shell-shocked after long-term PTSD to work right now, don't have money to live, and certainly don't have the money to pay back what I've spent, so I am afraid of coming clean to my boss or to payroll. I'm also afraid the error will be caught at the end of the year and I'll be in trouble, lose my reference, look like an awful person, and possibly be in legal trouble. I don't know what to do or how to broach the subject. I also don't know what to do about my mental health, considering how bad the services through Medicaid have been.
Full story:
I have been teaching at a community college for the past year. I'm a really good and dedicated teacher, great performance reviews, and I really go the extra mile for my students. I took a professional course to learn how to teach online courses, and then built a hybrid course from scratch, a lot of work for which I was not paid. They pay about $2,200 a course and I'm on Medicaid. Adjuncts are, of course, exploited.
To further clarify, I came back from another country to my hometown two years ago on Thanksgiving, actually. In January of 2016 I met and fell in love with someone with whom I had everything in common--same master's, same teaching experience, lots of similar interests, even the same alma mater, for my undergrad and his M.A. Although I was a bit skeptical at first at the intensity of his interest, at some point he became real with me, and I gave in to him and fell in love.
At that point he completely changed. He stopped wanting to spend time with me alone and get to know me sober, and instead began wanting to go out to loud bars and concerts and parties all the time and drink--a lot. He became mean, subtly and gradually. He began to become sexually abusive: doing things without asking (like forcing oral, etc.), choking me, pulling my hair and smacking me in a sexual context without asking.
What makes all this worse is that we had shared a lot with each other, and I'd opened up to him about a history of sexual abuse and rape, including a violent rape when I was an adolescent. He had been extremely supportive and had opened up to me about his childhood difficulties in return. He had studied psychology for his undergrad, worked in behavioral health, and even used to conduct consent training workshops. He was extremely knowledgeable about sexual abuse and its effects on women in adulthood. He used to give me trigger warnings for media with sexually violent content, which I thought was really sweet, if unnecessary. Our sex life was frequent, romantic, and gentle, at first. He just suddenly completely changed.
We broke up, and I made the mistake of letting him talk me into letting him come over three weeks later, as I missed him. He raped me. He raped me the same way I had been raped as a teenager.
This resulted in serious PTSD, for me, and it began an abusive cycle that was very difficult to extricate myself from. I was in such deep disbelief about how someone who had seemed so wonderful, whom I had loved and trusted so much, could do this, that I fell for his further manipulative behavior and saw him again. I wanted an apology, and to believe he was sorry. He raped me again, the same way, and if anything it was worse the second time. He then began telling me he couldn't stop loving me and promising me we could talk. He knew I wanted an apology more than anything, but by then I'd begun drinking quite a bit, and he'd get me drunk so he could drive me to his place and have sex with me. He was clearly, at that point, trying to get me pregnant. I realized how dangerous and toxic all of this was and managed to resist falling for his tricks and seeing him again.
Meanwhile, he'd taken over all the activities in town I'd have been interested in, and even colonized my old friends, further isolating me (he even met the man who had raped me when I was a teenager, about whom I had told him, which was sickening). I was already in social withdrawal because of the PTSD; I had flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, hypervigilance, and constant crying spells. As he seemed to be everywhere in my town, and everyone loved him, I avoided going anywhere in fear that he'd find me, and put on his kind and loving act again and try to ply me with drinks to get me to go somewhere alone with him again. I have basically lived in fear of this person for nearly two years, while also being unable to recover from this PTSD, and unable to understand what happened or why he would do such a thing, at all. (He tried to apologize to me this year on the anniversary of the second rape. He told me he "missed me and missed our friendship," and that he had "screwed things up really badly." I vehemently rejected him and got a new phone number).
Throughout this period, my one lifeline was teaching. I threw my heart and soul into it. Considering the meager pay and the hours I put in, it was definitely exploitative, but my students, and my desire to help them learn, kept me going.
This Fall semester, I developed agoraphobia. Apparently this is not uncommon with long-term PTSD. I have been diagnosed, and was being treated, but the treatment and psychiatrists through Medicaid are just awful, and they cut my dose of Clonazepam from 5 milligrams to 1 without telling me, then tried to get me to go on 1,200 milligrams of Gabapentin (I tried a lower dose and it made me feel like I'd been hit with a tank), and forced me to pretty much beg for drugs, which made me feel like absolute shit; I eventually stopped going to therapy, stopped going to the psychiatrists, and quit all drugs cold turkey, because of these experiences, and I developed severe agoraphobia and didn't want to leave the house. I was so afraid he could be anywhere around, as my work is near my house (I don't have a car), and last I heard he was living nearby, and I've seen him around just biking back from the grocery store. I just sort of reached the end of my rope. Apparently this is also common to RTS (Rape Trauma Syndrome), and might be some sort of an end stage of the recovery process, too--the return of major PTSD symptoms and development of phobias. However, I could hardly move, and could not function or focus on anything for more than a few minutes at a time, and had a panic attack whenever I'd leave the house. I contacted my boss and I told him what was going on.
He was extremely supportive. He told me what great reports he'd had of me as a teacher, how he planned to give me a great reference, and he hoped I'd get better soon and get back in the classroom. He was incredibly kind. He arranged to have people take over my classes, and this happened smoothly, without much disruption to them.
I was so out of it for a time I didn't check my bank balance for a long time. I was living in a kind of half-life, sleeping a lot and hardly moving. I finally checked my bank balance because I knew I had to be getting low on funds, as I'm paying a pretty significant amount in rent and bills, and I realized I was still being paid for these classes. I have already spent a good deal of the money.
I didn't know what to do. I have all sorts of ethical objections to the exploitation of adjuncts, as well as Marxist objections to the exploitation of workers more generally, but these seem to me excuses and justifications for what I know to be wrong. I talked to my sister about it, and she called it a piece of good luck I was having finally and said to keep the money and not say anything. It's a large community college system, and the instructors who took over my classes are also getting paid; it's an oversight. I don't want to get in trouble or my boss to get in trouble. I am extremely poor, and can't imagine a way to begin to be able to pay this back. I don't know if hoping they won't notice will help, or if they'd notice at the end of the year. In a rash of guilt I bought Christmas presents for people so I wouldn't feel like I was just being selfish. I recognize how crazy this is. It's like I'm trying to spend the money so I don't just "have" it. I know I'm not in my right mind at the moment, and I don't know how I could possibly work, and this money is what is paying my bills (I was in such a bad state I didn't even realize I had already gone through my savings and there should be no way my monthly rental payments and bills were clearing). I need to get better before I can consider working again. It's slowly happening, but I feel despairing about psychiatrists (they were so bad and refused to listen to me), and frightened about the thought of checking myself into a mental hospital (they have mixed sex wards, and the last thing I want is to be vulnerable around men with mental disorders who could be dangerous; the thought just freaks me out). I just don't know what to do.
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self.offmychest
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My anxiety story. 32 y/o male. Hey all. I figured I'd share this in case anyone has had similar experiences and to know you're not alone.
I'm 32 years old and have had diagnosed anxiety for about 2 years. When I tell people I have anxiety, they're usually very shocked. I've always been the loud, extroverted, fun guy at parties or events but a couple of years ago it all kind of changed.
It started when I got a panic attack at work. I was on the phone with a client then all of a sudden, I couldn't breathe. My palms got sweaty. I somehow moved my legs one in front of the other to security, who called an ambulance and (embarrassingly) my whole work knew the ambulance was for me. They're all supportive but didn't butt in or really ask what was the matter.
The doctor at the hospital, after seeing my physical exams and speaking with me, was convinced it was a panic attack. She prescribed me Xanax, Lexapro and suggested therapy.
I then noticed physical changes after that.
Changes like:
Trouble driving
Sweaty palms regularly
Having trouble standing still in one spot (ie: at a bar for example, I had to hold tight onto a chair/stool/Bar just to feel grounded)
Speech often was slightly slurred
Trouble swallowing at times
What's frustrating is-- I've been healthy all my life. Ran track in high school and college, always in somewhat decent shape. Anxiety seems to have come out of nowhere.
I've had personal and professional struggles-
I've failed the Bar exam a couple of times; I often bite off more than I can chew with working two jobs; I don't often take time for myself.
I'm currently still on Lexapro and I haven't had any real panic episodes since then, and my anxiety symptoms seem to have gotten better. I don't take the Xanax because I'm afraid I'll become too dependent on it, but that could be me being naive. I visited with a therapist but I found myself not being able to really talk about myself- just always wanting to solve others problems instead of my own.
Anyway, if you asked me 3 years ago how someone suffers from anxiety I would've been very uneducated and ignorant about it. I'm sure my symptoms aren't much compared to most, but for those who do suffer, I stand with you and know that there are people out there in the world who know what you're going through.
For what it's worth- thanks for reading if you did.
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self.Anxiety
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Keep receiving urky texts For the past two weeks I have been receiving text messages, hi John are you still selling the building (in a city that is near me). I tell them no and I ask them, where they got my number from, but they either ignore the question or tell me they don’t remember, and just tell me, they have the right name but wrong number. I’ve been getting these texts within seconds of each other, on different numbers, every other day. I just don’t know what to do. It’s giving my chills down to my bones.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Loneliness in university Hi everyone, saw the top post here on loneliness today, thought it resonated quite well with me and so I'm here to pen down some thoughts that's been weighing me down as well. I don't really know why I'm posting this here, but yeah I'm just going to roll with it.
I'm so tired of being all alone. I'm an international student in my 3rd year of undergrad at uni of Cambridge in the UK, and since I arrived here in 2015 I've not made a single friend who I could talk to outside of lectures. Most of my friends back where I come from have drifted away over the past few years even though we used to be really close. I honestly feel like I have no place both where I come from and in the UK now, and outside of my parents I don't think anyone would miss me if I were gone.
It feels like I'm becoming increasingly less able to connect with people socially. I avoid crowds, take walks on my own and sit by myself in lectures. In supervisions (tutorials), I can contribute to the discussion in an academic setting but other than that I have no social contact at all. I've tried initiating conversations with people over the past 2 years, but no one really seems to be interested in talking to me or being my friend, and over time I just kind of gave up and ended up socially isolated.
Probably the worst part of this is that I know all of this is my fault. I'm a terrible person with no redeeming qualities, and over time I feel that it's just depressing being around me, and perhaps that is why people dislike me or show no interest in wanting to talk to me. I don't exactly know how or when, but my social anxiety has gotten to the point where I don't dare to play multiplayer games anymore. Most of my time nowadays is spent in my room reading up the subject I'm interested in.
Recently, I've been thinking about the future and how I really do not foresee any ability for things to improve. If I can't even bring myself to play a game for 45 minutes with a faceless online persona, I don't see any way in which I can reasonably carry on for a couple more decades living this way. I've thought of suicide multiple times, but the only thing still making me hesitate is the thought of my parents. Increasing though I've been thinking of just going through with it, and it's still sort of an undeveloped plan right now, but if my outlook on life still looks bleak by my birthday coming up in a reasonable amount of time I might just do it, who knows.
I'm not looking for pity or anything on here, just to air my thoughts and maybe see things from another perspective. Having written to this point though I still don't see myself being able to alleviate the crushing loneliness I feel now.
It's kind of odd, but since I study immunology I find comfort knowing that even T cells require contact with peptide-MHC for positive selection or they die of neglect, which is a bit of a stretch but to me I guess somehow parallels the fact that the pain of loneliness is just hard-wired into biology. Like viruses escaping host antibody responses, where escape mutants can continue to survive over the course of an infection by a single viral strain, I like to think of myself as that "shitty little virus that couldn't", that failed to adapt socially and died off. But I'm rambling now, so I'll end this post here.
Thanks for reading, if anyone reads this.
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self.offmychest
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An Open Letter to the Inventor of Linoleum: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Fuck you.
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self.offmychest
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I've convinced myself to do it I've always had the steady drumbeat pulsating in the back of my mind in a sort of abstract way. The constant drone of "you're a piece of shit, kill yourself, you're a piece of shit, kill yourself, you're a piece of shit, kill yourself". It rarely felt like much of a real concrete desire. Then a couple days ago I sat down and made a list of requirements for how I need to go out. My partner can't be the one who finds me, I can't leave the blame on other people, and it needs to be quick. I wrote that list, took a walk, and by the time I got home I had a plan. I didn't even fully realize I had planned it out until tonight. My friend commented on how I seem much better and happier and asked what had changed. I did some self-reflection and realized I knew exactly what had changed.
Anyway I think I'm going out tonight. Thanks for helping through these last couple years, r/SW.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Can't stop the thoughts. I want to be dead I'm just scared to do it and don't know the right way to. I wish I could just go sit somewhere and get a painless lethal injection and just go to sleep. I'm not sure what else to do or say. I've written the note. I hate guns. I don't want it to be painful. I'm just ready to go
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self.SuicideWatch
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“The reason you have depression is because you need sunlight, and more sleep.” Said by my mother, also known as the person who wakes me up at 8am because “normal humans wake up at a reasonable hour.”
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self.depression
|
i want to kill myself but i am worried about my family i am 17 years old, i dont have friends,i have anxiety, i talk with nobody at school, i never had a girlfriend, i am almost always getting bad grades at school even if i try my hardest to get good grades, tomorrow i have a test and i am going to fail it because all i can think about right now is killing myself. all i do is staying in my room studying or playing videogames. i started thinking about killing myself about 1 year ago but i just cant do it because i dont want my family to suffer.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Experiences with SSRI's (Specifically Sertraline) I was prescribed medication for anxiety & depression for the first time yesterday. I have a few questions if someone will indulge me.
How soon did you feel different?
Did you experience any side effects?
Did it make you feel as if you weren't yourself?
Any other thoughts or observations are also greatly appreciated.
Have a good day!
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self.Anxiety
|
There's no point in living if I'm trans I'm not going to be a motherfucking freak pretending to be a woman! /u/Laura_Sandra left me a nice message and it probably pushed me over the edge. It was nice to try to help, but reading all of it just made me feel hopeless.
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self.SuicideWatch
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How should I act when the people come to my apartment to remove the waterheater? how do I act? What if they talk to me?
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self.depression
|
Fuck you you stupid broke lonely fuck up of a fucking idiot [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Are we subconsciously seeking actions/activities that make us feel anxious? So I am 30 now, been anxious at least since 7 years old. I've been thinking recently that over the years I have seemingly chosen activities that in the end, one way or another, would make me feel extremely anxious.
Most of them I DID NOT have to do, some of them could've been prevented had I acted in time (not procrastinating).
In regards to the ones that i did not have to do, most of videogames i've played come to mind, particularly competitive games. In retrospect, i was feeling extremely bad playing them (sweaty, tensed, irritable etc). I was supposed to make me feel great but it didn't and I wasn't even realising how shitty i was feeling. Logically I should've stopped because of the discomfort from day 1, but i kept going for years.
Some other example is daytrading. It's not that I really need the money and i'm not that good of a trader in the first place, most of my good best have been letting my money sit and checking back in a year or so. And my main income comes from something else anyway. But i've noticed it's a compulsion, and i feel awful as shit while i have open positions, much like video games used to make me feel.
There are many other examples of things that I DID NOT have to do, but i'll jump to instances that would've made me feel not only NOT anxious but actually feel good, but for some reason I chose not to do them at the appropriate time (procrastination).
I could've cooked that meal in advance so i could've been relaxed i have food waiting for me, i could've left home 5 minutes earlier so i didn't have to hurry and risk missing stuff, i could've learned that thing i wanted to learn when I had time instead of staying late, feeling anxious as fuck then feel tired later, I could've cleaned my house better so i would not have to worry about that also, basically i could've made it much easier for me to solve things out at the appropriate time and actually **feel good**.
But I didn't and I don't.
And I'm thinking now, do i have to unconsciously make decisions that make me feel anxious? Is my anxiety so deeply rooted and inaccessible that my own subconscious finds way for me to feel it?
Basically, i'm thinking it's not that i do/don't things and i get anxious, **I am already anxious as shit, i manage to control/suppress it so my unconscious makes me feel it**? It's like something tells me "this is how you actually feel (anxious), stop trying to hide/fake it"
But on the other hand doing these things syphons out the anxiety... I think that it would become obvious and I'd have to actually confront it if i wouldn't allow it to manifest little by little, to lose steam if that makes sense.
All the things I mentioned were stuff I avoided or used them to avoid something else that was actually important and that, if approached, would've made me feel good.
Any thoughts? Does anyone relate? Does this make sense?
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self.Anxiety
|
Is it wrong that when I get into this zone of wanting to commit suicide I burn stuff to distract myself from actually doing it [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Where does your ptsd come from? I see alot of people on here talking about having ptsd. I feel like I do now after my psychosis which basically ruined my life. Lost girlfriend of 6 years, apartment, and job. Im wondering if most others ptsd is bipolar related on here. Reliving my psychosis through memory and the loss that came from it has put me into a super deep depression.
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self.bipolar
|
Everyone hates me title says it all
maybe i should just die
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self.depression
|
does anyone else just want to live life alone? I do not know if what I have is depression. I just recently graduated and won class clown so I am not a lump of sadness everywhere I go.. I think maybe just in my mind deep down I am.
I am a 19 year old female. Both my parents are highschool drop outs. My dad sexually abused me, and my mom emotionally and physically did. I finally was able to cut ties with my mom and it took a lot from her manulipation. She did not take care of me my whole highschool career. This resulted in multiple highschools, ..and multiple homes.. with multiple people. but I somehow still maintained a 3.8 GPA with AP, and college courses. I know I am a smart young lady as I am going into nursing school. I even snowboard. SO I know I am an alright person doing alright things.. I know that my cards were just shitty.
I have a really great boyfriend. I live with him actually but its because I HAVE to.. I have nobody else or any family. His family was kind enough to make me their own. They are VERY well off.. they have like 6 extra bedrooms and live on a lake (and support trump) type people haha. Besides the trump part, everything here has blown my mind.
My boyfriend loves me deeply and I know this. We are together 24/7 and I think its taking a toll on me. As you may of guessed, I had to be a very independent person before. Now I am not. We have classes together. We work together at his parents restaurant, we snowboard together, we eat together, we shower together, hell I do not even drive my own car anymore.
I am so very thankful to have a partner in my life and finally somebody who loves me no matter what butt.. I just want to move across the country by myself and start over when my nursing career starts.
I feel as though I emotionally can not handle a relationship. Ive gone through too much abandonment to ever feel truly secure. I believe he deserves someone a bit better. He talks about marriage and kids all the time. I get very jealous (he says he does to but I know mines unhealthy) .. the way he looks at other girls scares me. I do not want to feel psycho. I do not want to feel love. I often imagine a life where I am making 60k a year as a nurse working 3 days a week, with 2 dogs and a cat. Going snowboarding on the west coast meeting all bunch of people... but by myself. I guess I have that "tupac" mind... trust no one. You may think thats selfish of me.. but when your own two care givers do what they have done to me its impossible not to think like that.
I do love this man. I do love the life I have been given right now. But I still feel so emotionally broken and sad. I cant really tell anyone. I tell my boyfriend and he is there every step but after a while.. after the 4th night in a row of being sad ... you tend not want to talk about it anymore because you feel as though you are just bothering the person. And although its the 4th night of being sad.. during the day I am fine. Its just at night, when all the clutter of the day dies down.. or early in the morning before the clutter starts. When my mind is by itself in peace that is when I realize how messed up things are in there.
I feel extremely ugly. No matter how many times people may call me pretty or beautiful I just can not except it.
I use to wear no makeup, baggy tshirts, and not care. Now I go tanning, on top of spray tans, I spent 300 dollars on makeup, I wear tighter clothes.. I am just trying so hard to be something maybe I am not? Or maybe I am. I have no idea.
Ive tried counseling so many times even when I was young but let me tell you, I know when someone is there just because they are getting paid for it. And besides, when was sitting in room with a a random "specialized" individual ever help anybody? I prefer going out into the world and doing things that make me happy like snowboarding. I do not believe in taking medication even though my high generalized anxiety conditions temps me to. I never will. I understand it could help but so could finding a way to cope with life in general. I have realized what I have is NOT temporary.. it is a lifetime. Therefore I need to find ways to deal with this.
this platform has given me a place to vent. So, does anyone else out there want to move across the country by themselves and just never date.. never get romantically involved.. never have anything but some furry friends a nice home, car, and some hobbies? Or am I selfishly insane.
Thank you
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self.depression
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Well I'm not cutting anymore but I've started drinking again Only been a week but I've already come into work a tiny drunk thank God no one thinks about me so I got away with it
Won't be long until I cut again
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self.depression
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Need some help with an interview Hi! I suffer from panic attacks for a while now and I need some help. I have been to an interview yesterday that was about 30 minutes long and I've had a HUGE panic attack over there. I did my best to hide it and keep a professional attitude. I felt like I was going to faint any second, I even told the interviewer that I have a fear about being locked somewhere and not being able to go out. She said "You can go to the bathroom anytime if you want" I was like"Yeah.. no, I don't want to mess my chances to this job, I really want it". When the interview ended, I thanked God and I calmed myself. I was pretty sure I got the job because they are short on people and I answered all interviewer's questions correctly(it is a custommer service advisor job and the questions were really simple, like "what is an IP?"). Today, I was called that I need to retake the interview(I was changed to another team so I need to retake the interview with another team leader). The interview is due to take place on Monday. I feel like I barely survived the last interview, how can I do it again?? The biggest problem is that I always feel like fainting and I REALLY don't want to faint, I am massively scared of faints(mostly because I have a phobia about being burried alive, and I fear that I will faint and wake myself buried - GOD, it was hard to type it here). Now the chances for this to happen may be low, but even if there is a 0.0001% chance for this to happen, I still think about it and I am sh*tscared about it. More than this, if I - by any chance - faint at the interview, I will clearly mess my chances for this job and I really want this job. What is worse is that, even though I have been dealing with panic attacks for a while, yesterday after the interview, I could feel my hands and legs tingling. I've never had tingling hands and feed before caused by a panic attack. How can I do to make sure I'll be OK at the interview?
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self.Anxiety
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Generic “blah blah really attracted to and like my coworker and it’ll never work out” post Just wanna vocalize it somehow
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self.offmychest
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My friend is a bad mom It kills me to see her around her daughter sometimes. Her daughter is nearly four years old and can barely speak. She has no motherly instincts and the poor girl is being raised by any adult that can spare the time. I knew IMMEDIATELY my friend shouldn't have kids. I even suggested to her to get an abortion but of course I was shouted down.
I have no sympathy for my friend. I am sad for her, but I refuse to hear her complaints because I was right about the deadbeat that knocked her up, I was right about her not being ready for motherhood, and I was right about what her life would be like if she had the baby. She lives with her parents and grandmother and tries to pawn her daughter off any chance she gets.
It makes me angry seeing her like this because she always complains to me and tries to get sympathy for her struggles. i refuse to allow this because every struggle she's facing is self-inflicted and I gave her fair warning. I showed her examples of other young mothers I'd seen in my life and she was convinced things would be different for her.
I just miss my friend, mostly. her daughter is a pain. I can;t stand being around her but if I'm not prepared to put up with the little animal I can never see my friend. it's a very irritating situation, and I know a lot of people would probably call me selfish, and I don't care. I tried my best to warn my friend and even told her if she went through with this she'd get no assistance from me. She made her choices and it takes every ounce of my willpower not to scream, "I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO."
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self.offmychest
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Sleep. Fuck you.
I love you and I hate you. For the past week I’ve been taking what was left of my nyquill from my cold just to be able to sleep consistently and god it felt great to be asleep before 1 or 2am. But then I will probably wake up in the middle of the night for no reason, because of another fucking nightmare, or because the sleep paralysis shows up, and I have to try and focus on taking 1 solid breath to wake up.
Even in my late teens (nineteen going on twenty) I visit my cousins often to hang out, game, and sleep over. I have seen my cousin literally talk to me one minute then roll over and fall asleep in a minute or two then I just lay there waiting to fall asleep or tossing and turning for the next 2 hours, despite having spent the whole day together and have done the same things. I envy him.
And thats another thing, if you can just fall asleep easily **AND** make it the whole night without waking up, fucking props to you, I want that.
Sleep is my nightmare. Its something we need but its something that hates me. Yeah I can stop drinking caffeine like after 6 or whatever hour so I can sleep at night. I can stop using my phone (even as I use it now to post this) and electronics an hour or more before I go to bed. I can use night shift to give my devices a warmer tone at night so the blue light doesn’t bother me. I can exercise through the day so I don’t have pent up energy at night. I can meditate (even if the silence makes me uncomfortable and then the jets, planes, and helicopters flying over my area freak me the hell out at the worst times). Please tell me something I don’t know, and please make any one of these things finally work for me, because I can only read so many articles on “x ways to help you fall asleep!”.
And hey Kanye, yeah dude fuck you, lucky bastard, to probably miss-quote Kim Kardashian-West while retaining the main idea, “Kanye can fall asleep anywhere”.
Dear human body,
Please update your firmware to make sleep optional and not a necessity.
Sincerely,
Me, myself, and I.
**TL;DR**
I’m tired, and I hate sleep disorders.
-Edit: Its currently 4am and I have to be up at 8
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self.offmychest
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Does anyone else ever feel like the inside of your head is on fire? Just sitting here wondering if anybody else has the same sensation I do when they're in xiety is high. Finally managed to sleep. Called into work said I wouldn't be able to make it. Slept until about 1:30. Feeling much better but the anxiety is still very strong. Buspirone is basically useless at this point. I'd hate to see what I feel like without it, but it's not helping me. I only have two Ativan so that's not a useful solution.
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self.Anxiety
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Need to talk and I have nobody. Hey all. Just need to talk, really struggling right now and trying to dig out of it. Not really sure what else to do.
Pattern of behaviour:
Wake up in the morning with immediate feelings of depression and loneliness. Acute feelings of being alone in bed, uncomfortable. Become compelled to flip through Bumble, Tinder because I feel a need to try and immediately correct the problem. I never (and I mean never) match. Have to fight urges to immediately abuse addictions like porn and weed. Sometimes do, sometimes don’t.
Prepare for work, fight off feelings of sadness about ex-girlfriend and situation it puts me in. Fight the urge to blame her for the failure of the relationship even though I logically know I’m wrong or that’s not fair. She just left to pursue school and had to move on, she didn’t do anything to me. Fight feelings of rejection and feelings of inadequacy in my value to others even though there’s no reason to feel that here.
Walk to work, continue to fight with anger issues re: relationships and validation. Sometimes frustration stems from lack of work success but more often than not it’s physical appearance issues and relationship issues. I get caught in a loop being mad at her and being mad at myself and my capacity to deal with being alone.
Auto-pilot at work. Able to do job easily, so lack of focus is a non-issue. I spend too much time on Facebook and other social media looking for outlets to expand my social network and friends. Find it very difficult to do so without appearing over-anxious or creepy and new opportunities rarely prevent themselves. Sometimes Imarket business and contact clients/potential clients. Sometimes a boost comes from having success here, but often the lack thereof is equally esteem damaging.
Go home, usually bus. Already tired. Immediately engage addictions, usually beer and weed. Start watching TV or playing games and rarely stop until bed time. I'll leave easy tasks like cleaning dishes, etc for weeks. Continual evasion of solving problems, instead opting to rely on substances to either forget or balance my feelings of sadness. Occasionally I have friends over, but many of them use substances as well or are in similar life situations so finding solace in these encounters is limited. Furthermore, they are my friends of many years and represent a kind of social stagnation.
At night I’m usually in bed by 10, not because I’m out of things to do, but because I’m either drunk or bored.
On weekends I’m lucky if I do anything outside of what I do immediately after work. I rarely feel compelled to do anything. If I get invited to a bar, I end up going and feeling alienated from everyone and ‘out-of-place’. Most of the time, I just feel too tired to join my friends, but I also feel a lack of motivation because I’m sure it’ll just be the same crowd—and it appears their lives keep moving while mine does not.
I am behind on adulthood. I have only recently acquired a driver’s license, I just renewed my glasses prescription and only just started living on my own. I have to get my teeth taken care of and they are a source of stress and physical pain (still have wisdom teeth at 34). I have the habits of a teenager. I smoke copious amounts of weed, I drink daily and I don’t pursue my interests or goals. I know the right course of action most of the time, but I actively ignore it because the amount required to get healthy is just too much. I have spent a great majority of my life single and most of my relationships aside from a few gems have been tumultuous, emotional rollercoasters. More often than not,
Despite all these things I feel undervalued in my society. I think of myself as smart, funny and confident in my skills, but I feel that the rest of the world doesn’t care and doesn’t see those as appealing. I feel like without looks and an academic education, you can only accomplish so much and that people’s standards are so high that competition for a good role in society is unlikely. I feel unable to compete when the above issues prevent me from succeeding. Motivation to do anything is lowered by the lack of acceptance in general, the feeling that I should be acceptable the way I am but am not, and my inability to seem to control that situation. It doesn’t help that on the face of it, most people will tell me that I seem like a “catch”, an incredibly high-value person with lots to offer—except that none of that seems to translate to my life, emotional attachments or stability.
I'm just lost.
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self.depression
|
Does anxiety increase or decrease with age? Just wondering. Am in my early twenties. It has gotten worse since my 13th i guess. I woke up with this extreme nervous feeling and my brain just started to spiral. "It will get worse from now on" "while u might enjoy life now u wont in the future because you will always be like this" can anyone relate to these thought patterns? After these very nervous boosts i often feel very strange the same day (s) only the eventually return to "normal" and find something to trigger my anxiety and repeat the circle.
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self.Anxiety
|
Another Poem (self written) Toughts
My mind is drifiting away in a shore of thoughts,
Everything sprayed on a piece of paper in form of a thousand dots,
What should I do with my life?
Get rich, some childrens and a beautiful wife?
But the question is how did I deserve that?
Living in the sewers like an ugly rat,
Waiting for a predator to end me,
'Cause even on the brightest days darkness is all I see,
This darkness feels like a home somehow,
I try to get to it but not now,
Sometimes I am standing on the edge,
Looking back to my life as if it was a sketch,
Maybe I should just erase it,
Throw it in a glowing firepit,
I know I will end forgotten,
Noboy standing next to my coffin,
Buried alongside other forgotten names,
As forgotten as mine,
Miguel James
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self.depression
|
Really tired everybody included reddit users don't pay me attention. Like is not enough my parents dont pay me attention i have to deal with reddit and every online person nobody wants to talk with me, i don't talk nothing interesting. I'm so annoying, I want to over with this so badly. I can't fucking believe i'm too bad communicating with everybody. I Feel like that ebony girl from american horror story s1, i'm fucking boring not for one or two person, i'm boring for EVERYBODY.
I just want to be the attention whore for a minute, for a second i want to be popular and loved by a lot of people. That's my only wish
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm considering ending my life I have been having an emotional breakdown over the last week as I have realised I am an awful person. I cheated on the girl I love near the beginning of our relationship, lied about it, and desperately tried to cover my tracks. I manipulate people into getting information out of them or to help me. I have caused everyone so much pain, I don't move forwards only backwards. I'm a waste of space, a waste of life, a waste of money and resources and food. I would rather die than hurt my girlfriend and have her know I did that to her.. she deserves so much better than that, I can't have her doubt herself she's too wonderful for that. I don't have the love within myself for myself to keep myself going after everyone inevitably will leave me when they realise how shit I am. I don't want to be around to witness when that happens. It hurts far too much. Life is so painful, if I were born 300 years ago I would have died in infancy. I'm weak, a coward, natural selection would have come for me already if modern medicine wasn't keeping me strong. I don't deserve to live
I feel like I deserve to suffer, I'm thinking of just staying in bed and starving and dehydrating myself to death, and maybe overdose when the pain gets too much
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self.SuicideWatch
|
DAE feel like you're just wasting your life at this point? Like instead of *living your life* and enjoying yourself, you're just sat in your bedroom 24/7 doing nothing worthwhile, you know?
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self.depression
|
Happy New Years, /r/bipolar, Here is to a fresh start. I am very emotional right now.
I just got my new prescription of Depakote for a month after being off it for like 11 days, you know, English major money problems.
All I want to say is that after going from a major depressive episode in Nov. 2014, "leveled out" from January 2015 to May 2015, becoming a pothead and then to a crazy manic episode in September 2015 to a depressive episode again until May 2016, a full-scale manic episode from November 2016 until November 2017, where in that year I fucked my engagement up (which led me to full-on alcoholism), lost my high-paying job, failed in my first semester of graduate school, and subsequently had to go to rehab for 2 weeks for drinking problems and to get back on meds (where God humbled me), I am so very grateful for everything that has happened in those 3 years since Nov. 2014 to now.
Sometimes you need to hit rock bottom to learn what it means to be defeated and to accept the fact that our disorder is always going to be part of our identity, but it does not need to be our *only* identity. I have learned the true meaning of living life with Bipolar 1: Bipolar is a curse, but more than that, it is a blessing, because we must climb mountains each and every day to make it to bedtime.
People tell me "One day at a time" in recovery, but for me, I need to take it 10 minutes at a time, or it feels like an eternity. But thanks to this anonymous support group here, I know I can talk with yall and (sometimes, I mean it is Reddit after all) receive empathy.
God bless, y'all. Here is to new beginnings, meds, and saying "Fuck you" to the world who stigmatizes us for being badasses because our brains wage war on us every day.
Hopeful,
*Logan "Lobo" Bradford James*
*recovering alcoholic, aspiring author, and overall social badass and pariah*
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self.bipolar
|
How to tell the difference between anxiety and gut feelings? Im so terrified of my relationship to fail. I have a "feeling" it won't work, but i cant tell if its anxiety or an actual gut feeling. I want it to work out so badly.
I only have this "feeling" when we're not physically with each other, when we're together everything is okay and feels right.
I also have Borderline Personality Disorder, which makes it even harder to differentiate :(
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self.Anxiety
|
I need anyone to talk to. I was taken advantage of a few weeks ago and it's getting harder and harder for me to fall asleep each night. Its 2 am now. How do I protect myself? I can't stop thinking about how many sick, horrible people are out there in this world. I don't want to live here if it means constantly expecting the worst from everyone around me, that's exhausting. But when I trust people, I keep getting hurt. I believe in kindness and empathy, and am constantly let down by selfish, violent people. I have never felt this alone.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Doing "better" but I wish I could say that suicidal ideation ends I've posted a lot here in the past about being an obese, unemployed failure who wanted to die.
Now I'm just a normal weight, woefully underemployed and broke guy who frequently wants to die.
Maybe in my 30s I'll have a better job, move out of my parents house, and only occasionally want to die. Small goals?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Figured out what my anxiety really feels like It feels like... I have a distorted view of reality. I can be sitting at my favorite coffee shop on my day off, playing games on my computer, money in my bank account to cover the bills, yet I still feel like the world around me is twisted and something bad could happen any moment. It kind of feels like i'm in hell. Anxiety to me isn't just being nervous all the time, or having panic attacks, it literally feels like the world around me is distorted in my eyes and I'm the only one who is seeing it that way. There is a small rational part of me that says "no, everything is fine," but no matter how many times it's repeated to me, it's drowned out by intense feelings of dread. Sigh. I need to go back on anti-anxiety meds :(
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self.Anxiety
|
Something doesn't feel right today.... Today when I got back home from school late at night and had dinner, I felt like something has gone wrong and I don't know what that is. I checked to see if there's an assignment due tomorrow or I left something at school, but that wasn't the case. I was gonna skip drinking alcohol today but this constant feeling of missing something made me relapse. This is probably the first time I've felt something like this, or at least from my memory.
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self.Anxiety
|
Life just isn't good enough And the following week has been a crash after crash.
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self.depression
|
Is it worth it? Do you continue taking shots as shes deciding what she wants, is it worth having her one day and not the next, is it worth being there when shit gets tough, is it worth an i love you that night, and an i dont know whats going on in the morning. It was, but its been enough. I wanted her, but she doesnt want me. Theres no point in saddness, as much as it pains me, its just another day. Do i smile at everything thats going well, or do i keep my sight twoards a blank wall while i listen to the saddest music i can find, sometimes its both. Deep down i know the reality of things, and i understand, i wish shit was different but it is what it is.
I really did love her
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self.depression
|
My girlfriend is leaving And no, this isn't a typical post where hitting the lawyer, deleting the gym, and facebooking up would solve the issue or should be recommended at all. It's also going to be long and I don't expect anyone to even read the whole thing. Just trying to get things off my chest.
I'm almost 30. My girlfriend and I met two and a half years ago and she's been the love of my life and my best friend ever since. She was also my first and only, as I was a depressed, kissless, socially inept virgin before then. Now I'm just depressed (and socially inept to a lesser degree). I don't believe that I will ever find someone as beautiful, smart, and funny as her. And do realize that I don't throw these terms around lightly. I'm not delusional in my assessment of her. She's also a great singer, has a wonderful family that fully embraced me and loved me possibly even more than she did. She encouraged me to become a better person, to learn to control my emotions better, to start exercising. She showed me the world through our travels together.
Despite the almost fairy tale life we had, I still had depression and went through depressive episodes on a fairly regular basis. I would shut her out, not eat or drink anything for a day or two, my sleeping schedule would go to shit. My mind would be absolutely filled with awful thoughts I could no longer control as I sat in the shower or laid in the darkest corner of our home that I could find. Throughout these 2.5 years I was convinced every now and then that she would eventually get fed up and leave, which contributed to my depression. She always reassured me that while it is difficult for her to see me in that state, she's not going anywhere. She is now.
Now allow me to elaborate on why this is an even bigger problem than a simple breakup, one of thousands that happened today. You see, somewhere along the line I also became distant with the only friend I had in the last 16 years. I severed that friendship on bad terms. I lost my amazing and well paying job 6 months ago due to depression and work related stress. Couldn't handle it anymore. Living off savings. Out of dozens of coworkers I knew well, was on *very* friendly terms with, and spoke with on a regular basis exactly **two** reached out to see how I was doing since I was laid off. Out of politeness. They disappeared shortly after. My mother has terminal cancer and will be gone within 6 months. My father is thousands of miles away in a different country with a different family. I don't maintain any sort of relationship with any other member of my small family, except perhaps for my younger sister whose mental health is just as fucked up as mine due to our wonderful inherited traits and a shitfest of a childhood.
Inb4 "you should reach out to people more" or "make friends." I'm essentially a high functioning aspie. Normal human relationships are a bit of an enigma to me. I'm not too sure why my gf stayed with me as long as she did. I suffer from severe social and generalized anxiety with panic attacks on top of depression and have other issues that make it difficult to get or maintain relationships (which is hopefully evident in the fact that I had exactly one friend and exactly one girlfriend in the last 16 years).
The point is, once my girlfriend is gone, I won't really have anyone else. At all. The thought of being completely and totally alone in a world that scared me since I was old enough to be scared of anything is incomprehensibly terrifying to me.
The funny thing is that my girlfriend isn't leaving because of any particular issue out of the ones mentioned above. We never really fought. Were always respectful of each other. We share plenty of interests. Our families are ecstatic that we're together. We have a great apartment and a huge fluffy cat. We have everything a couple could want, aside from mental stability in *both* partners. But at some point in the last 2.5 years she simply started losing romantic feelings for me. She saw me as someone I wasn't when we first started dating and the truth has slowly been dawning on her. She still loves me... yet only as a friend. This became apparent when she recently started talking with a person she met online, developed feelings for them, and realized she had more feelings for them than me. We still care about each other's well-being and want each other to be happy. Which is why it hurts so damn much.
I am not sure where life will take me from here. I am not sure I will want to go. I was thinking of simply moving to Nowhere, Alaska (or some other remote place) with what savings I have left, and drinking myself to death there, which seems like a more ethical suicide than actual suicide.
I had aspirations once. Even as recently as a couple months ago when I was going through (and finished) a coding bootcamp to stay in my former industry, but with better career prospects. On one hand, I still am perfectly capable of making good money and spending it to fill various holes in my life. On the other, I am not capable of leading a stressful life for long, nor do I want to, and working in the tech field is stressful no matter what. I'm also not sure what the point would be. It's essentially a slower death than the drinking to death route, except I'd die of a heart attack or aneurysm and it would take longer.
And now we get to the self-blame part. 3 years ago (pretty much right before I met my girlfriend) I suffered a major breakdown due to stress at work. Took some time off work to try different therapies and medications to help me cope with life. I got on a highly effective, highly addictive, well-known benzodiazepine and made a decision to buy myself time to see what life is really like. Before that I didn't have much, except my job and that one friend. With anxiety mostly out of the way due to the medication I was able to trick life and start dating. I could travel and be more productive at work. I socialized more. I enjoyed life. For a time. That time is up. The medication isn't as effective anymore, its side effects are more pronounced. Anxiety and depression are back in full force. I cannot handle work stress anymore. Social contact is difficult again. This is what bugs me: I was completely aware that this would happen, that I would experience life for a couple precious years before it would be taken away from me, and I did it anyway. I knew it would hurt when I lost it all again and it sure does. I *thought* it would be worth it. Now I'm not sure that it was.
As far as I'm concerned, when I was suicidal and about to jump out our high rise apartment window when I was just 11 years old (so 19 years ago), when my own mother said "go on, jump you little shit," I should have listened to her and saved myself the trouble of seeing what a normal, happy life can be like for a few brief moments before it all fades back to blackness again.
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self.depression
|
They're not all Heroes I don’t care that you put in twenty years, I don’t care that you’re a Master Sergeant. That you’d smoked cigars in Saddam's palace. Big deal. He had a bunch of palaces.
The Facebook cover pic, the decals on your truck. Everyone who sees them knows that you’re military.
My dad retired at Master too so you have that in common. He also used to hit me. Way before you did. Screamed at me too. Kind of like a jar that someone had been working on for a while before passing it on to the person beside them to try opening. A fresh pair of hands and the seal pops.
While I was in a shock when you slapped me, now that I’ve thought about it, I didn’t flinch.
But you didn’t stop there, you didn’t stop at penetrating me after I told you to stop. Making me finish you orally wasn’t enough, you made me lie there with you until your body was ready to use me again. Your arm around me as if we were lovers was just confusing.
Until you shoved me face down to your crotch again.
I wonder if you still think about it. How it felt as you pulled me onto my hands and knees and penetrated me in the place my husband hadn’t ever touched. Because I still think about it. The excruciating pain of you just jackhammering away without any lube. The sound of my own voice telling you that it hurt, pleading with you to stop.
I bled until the next day. My body felt broken and dirty. All I could smell was you.
You should canonize me in your mind. Use your imagination and burn an altar to me into your brain. There’s got to be security video of you entering the building. Your semen on and in me and my blood on you. I don’t know if I could have destroyed you but I sure could have shat all over your world for a little while. Your wife, your kids, the legal system. I didn’t report anything. I took a long shower, puked, stayed up all night and cried in the Target parking lot the next day but I kept my mouth shut.
I guess because even though I detest you, I don’t want to ruin your kids’ lives. I don’t want my family to know I’d been raped. My dad make a hell of a lot of mistakes while I was growing up but I have no doubt he’d want blood. He’s too old for that shit so I’m not going to risk it. My marriage is a facade but even then I don’t think my husband is emotionally mature enough to handle it.
The truth is a liability. I’m a liability. It feels like there’s a poison in me. Like there’s napalm surging through my veins. If I trip and fall, what holds it in will give way and set fire to my world.
My shrink knows, she says it’s PTSD. No one else knows, they just think I’m irritable lately. Irritable like I feel I’m one dirty look away from screaming at a stranger. Like my stomach is always queasy. Like sometimes I can’t shake the feeling of wanting my hair yanked hard or a strong hand on my neck.
And if I *did* tell I’d be subjected to some kind of gauntlet by my family. *What were you wearing? Were you looking at him suggestively? Are you sure he understood when you said no? How hard did you try to fight back? Why didn’t you scream? But did you kind of like it? Were you aroused?*
My dad came from some crappy little rustbelt town. He joined the Air Force because it was a stable career choice and a way of getting out of there. Benefits and a steady paycheck. He’s not a superhero or a saint. His job was way harder than mine in most ways and I do respect military personnel.
But some of them are shitheads just like every career has its share of shitheads. When I see a truck with an “Infidel” sticker, I want to throw a brick through the glass beneath it. I want to ask the driver if he knows that infidel means atheist so it looks really stupid in combination with his cross/praying hands tattoo. I want to say that kneeling NFL players owe you nothing, that the right is incubating outrage over that to distract you what you should really be outraged over--treason. That most of you are good people because I think most people are good people.
Master Sergeant, you’re not special, you’re not some warrior. You’re a common pig. A criminal. A six foot tall man who slapped, choked, bit and raped a 5’3” woman.
I thought I would be over this by now but I’m not. I’ve been crying on and off all day and have been SO on edge. I have a baby to take care of in addition to all this and I’m just so burned out. I’m tired.
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self.offmychest
|
TIL not only is my friend not interested in my only hobby i still have, he fucking HATES it! [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Help me I am hyperventilating like crazy (panic attacks). I really need to study for my upcoming exams. Any advice for fast relief? I dont have time to see my doctor :---(
|
self.Anxiety
|
It's getting darker in the northern hemisphere! Take extra care staying hydrated. Stay warm. Eat healthy. Don't forget to take your meds. Be mindful of signs your mood might be dropping.
I was hospitalized and diagnosed in November many years ago. I don't think it's a coincidence that my depression got so bad when winter set in.
Please be kind to your bodies and minds!
|
self.bipolar
|
This week I️ was told that only brain surgery might cure my epilepsy, harassed for my religion at work, lost my job for complaining about said harassment, and attended the funeral of someone I’ve known my entire life. To say I’m feeling beaten down is an understatement.
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self.offmychest
|
I'm a hypocrite Do I want to die? I don’t know. I find relief in the idea “if things don’t get any better, then I’ll kill myself”. I know that I should talk to someone, but I don’t want to at all. I have no issues with talking about my feelings, I’ve done that constantly for the past seven years of my life. Actually now that I mention it, have I really? I feel like there is this deep narrative that is going on in my head that never makes it’s way out of my mouth. Why? Because I fear judgement. I know how selfish and sometimes downright stupid my thought process is. The selfish things that I continue to do even though I am sober make me ashamed of myself. I am not going to tell you what goes on in my head, at least not yet. I haven’t been to a meeting in weeks and I don’t feel the urgency to go back. I know that if that continues that only bad things will come of it. Do I want to drink? No. Do I think about drinking? I do think about it quite often. My brother died recently, two months ago to be clear. Since then I feel like I’ve been so much different. I could hold myself together before but now when my head gets hectic I find myself weeping. I feel things I’ve never felt before, I say things I’ve never said before and I do things I’ve never done before. A month after my brother passed away my professors decided to go on strike. I don’t have school, I don’t have a job, I don’t do anything but play video games and eat garbage food. I sleep all day, I wake up when you’re coming home from work and play video games until you wake up. As the sun comes up, I fall asleep. I do NOT like my life. Unless I am distracted I find myself in a state of numbness. Such a distant feeling. The notion that I am depressed annoys me. Why? I HATE people that run their fucking mouths all day “I have depression, I’m anxious, I’m suicidal, I’m this, I’m that…”. You’re not depressed you’re just a fucking pussy. The culture in 2017 has made it okay for literally fucking everyone to claim that they are mentally ill beyond repair. Scroll through your facebook feed and I guarantee you’ll find at least three girls who have a long rant status about how they are “not okay” or that they have “severe depression and anxious”. What gets me going are those stupid fucking “I’m trying the best I can...” or the “how to love some that has been emotionally abused” fucking memes. If you want attention then be a fucking stripper, leave us all alone. I’m all for dealing with mental health issues in a healthy way, but most people claim they have depression because their great grandma died five years before they were born. Grow up you fucking pussies. Anyway, THAT is why I hate calling myself depressed. Although I probably am, its none of your fucking business. Also, I find it funny how I said “I’m all for dealing with mental illness in a healthy way” yet I don’t want to talk to anyone about what’s going on in my head. One more thing, when someone is talking to you about how they want to kill themselves don’t fucking respond with “yeah I was there” or “yeah I feel that way all of the time”. I don’t care if that’s true, shut the fuck up. This person is choosing to talk to YOU about something incredibly serious and all you want to do is make it about you. Fuck off.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
[NAW] I forgot how great big boobs can be! So for the last 3 or so years I have been hooking up with or dating specifically smaller chested women. This was not intentional but it just kept happening over and over and I was fine with that cause you know boobs are great big or small and the women were a ton of fun!
I have recently started dating a very lovely woman who kept her chest pretty concealed until we had our first Netflix and Chill session and I was pleasantly surprised when the top came off!
Now when she sleeps over I catch myself just playing with her boobs and cannot believe how much joy they bring me lol
Even with the smaller chested women, I would play with their boobs but you can only do so much
Just wanted to share lol
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self.offmychest
|
Considering disability My work history is consistently unstable. Give me a year and I'll lose a job due to my anxiety and depression causing too many sick days or I'll have to leave because the environment at work feels unhealthy, hostile or otherwise uncomfortable. I have been looking for a job since August, but even after second interviews, I'm obviously not the one...no call back...no job. It really has me down. I think it is because perhaps I am just not mentally able to function in today's work environment. I'm too tender hearted, un confident, and wrapped up in too much anxiety and depression to function like a normal person. I'm thinking of talking to my psych about filing for disability so I can concentrate on getting better instead of putting on a daily uncomfortable front that I am ok...when I am not. I feel very lost and unable to concentrate on a job. I can't act like a normal person right now.
|
self.bipolar
|
I am entirely, unambiguously alone. What do I do? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Small moments of happiness just highlight the general negativity of my life [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I need some support I’m sorry for being so needy. Some things happened at work and I looked really dumb and got yelled at. My cheeks are red and I want to quit then hang myself. I won’t hang myself but that is how embarrassed and ashamed I feel. Another thing happened that really got me down too.
I’m using my light box. I am trying to reach out to other people at work to socialize so people will work with me. I did my chores at home but I didn’t do my exercise.
I could use some virtual hugs. I got a shit ton more work to do at work that I should have had done already. My brain is in a fog. I would kill to get an adderall or two!
|
self.bipolar
|
Why > How I was given a very good advice by a stranger. It was about thinking more of the "why" than the "how". Maybe in English it doesn't make as much sense. But anyways...
&nbsp;
Instead of asking myself "How will I ever feel happy and satisfied with life?" I'm asking myself "Why are you unhappy for now?".
&nbsp;
I'm lonely and I can't sleep...
|
self.depression
|
Full of rage and fear It had been a pretty good week up until about 3 days ago. My husband is working seemingly non stop. I have been sleeping well and getting up early. It’s been like 10-5 or 6. Yesterday was a busy day. I was exhausted so I went to bed at 9. My husband got home at 11 and went to bed. As soon as he got in bed I woke up. I woke up seeing red. His schedule while not permanent is driving me crazy. I’m home alone all the time. I am just so angry. I think about self harm (which I’ve never done) just to release some of the rage and anxiety. My mind will not shut up and I don’t know what to do. I just want to cry and cry and run away.
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self.depression
|
Everything feels too much up in the air In January I went inpatient and found out I had bipolar and not unipolar depression. From then until now I have ended a nearly four-year relationship, had to quit my job because I wasn't well enough, and quickly moved my crap out of the house. I lived with a friend for two months, and now I am out in Nevada staying with my brother. I was intending to go back to Michigan, and my best friend was going to move in with me. She has since started dating someone within the past couple weeks. When they started getting close I had a feeling that she would change her mind about coming to live with me. Today she called me and was crying. She felt unsure about the move. I let her know that it was her decision and that if she didn't really want to move down, she didn't have to. I told her that I wanted her to be happy and if moving with me was going to compromise that happiness then she didn't have to. She seems to be going back and forth on it. I said to her that I understood her doubts, but that I needed to know soon. If she decides not to, I might fly back to Michigan to sell my shit and then come back out west. My life has been a mess anyways. Realistically I will probably just go back to Michigan, but I still want to know so I can be looking at one bedroom instead of two bedroom apartments. Goddammit.
|
self.bipolar
|
Mood trackers? Hey, anyone have a good mood tracker to recommend?
|
self.bipolar
|
drugs are the only thing that make me feel okay i’ve done everything under the sun to try and help myself. counseling, confiding in anyone who will listen, taken all different types of medication, and the only thing that has ever made me feel okay is not being sober. idc what it is i’ll do it. i fucking hate being sober. i just want to get fucked up and lay in bed and
watch shit on my laptop and i literally have no reason to be so depressed but the only thing that helps is drugs. not looking for moral support or anything i just need to vent without being looked down on and judged. thx
|
self.depression
|
I go back to school tommorow and have to begin functioning again. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
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