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walking skeleton All my skin feels livid and thin, I look like a skeleton with skin stretched over it. I feel so weak and I havent eaten proper in days. I dont know what to do but I want to feel better.
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self.depression
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The Turning Point This is an except from my personal blog. I think this sums up where I am right now but also shows where it all started. Not started, actually, because I've had mental health issues my whole life, but I think starting college exacerbated a lot of issues.
"When I was 18 and starting college, I felt so lost and alone. I wasn’t ready to leave home and I knew it, but I was forced to go anyway. My first semester, I failed miserably, in every possible aspect. I failed at school, family, friends, romantic partners, and self. I couldn’t figure out who I was or what I was doing or where I was going. I felt like I had been launched into the abyss with no guidance. I had no one to turn to. My parents loved me but it was never a good idea to go against anything they had in mind for me or felt like was the right thing for me to do.
When I graduated college at 22, I felt good about what I had accomplished but still wasn’t quite sure in which direction to go. I ended up going back to school to pursue a different degree at the same school, and that was where I needed to be. I thrived in that environment around those people. Eventually, my mental illnesses became too much and I had to drop out of school at 24 when I had only completed 2 1/2 semesters. I failed again, at the only thing I felt like I had ever been good at.
I was aimless for about 18 months, just partying and having fun. I finally eloped with my fiancé. It was the second good thing I’ve ever done in my life. I finally got a job a few months later, thanks to nepotism. I loved loved loved that job, and I know I was good at it. I got pregnant a year later. Not long after, my mind again overwhelmed me and I felt like I had no choice but to resign.
Now I have a husband, a baby, and no job. I’m almost 30 and I still don’t know what the fuck I’m doing."
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self.depression
|
Doc perscribed benzos (Lorazepam 0.5mgs) Seems to really help. I don't want to take them all the time even though he wants me to. Really helpful to feel normal for about 10 hours though. It helped put me back on my feet this week and actually get some stuff done. Im just worried about addiction since I have an incredibly addictive personality. I havent taken them today so I think thats a good sign so far, because my rule of thumb is that I take no more than 0.5 every 2 days.
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self.Anxiety
|
I got caught. So it finally happened, my friends finally found out - all I wanted was some peace and quiet - a way out. But I was too much of a coward. I was found sitting by the riverside, soaking wet, freezing cold - completely unfeeling, knocked out on non-prescription medication and spirit alcohol.
They brought me back into the warm - thinking they'd saved me. Little did they know, all they've done is prolonged my suffering.
My dreams are now more vivid, more emotional, more real, than my reality. The knives in my kitchen are too blunt, the drugs too weak and I'm too much of a coward for the river.
So they found out. And now they'll never see me the same... I don't want to be treated differently - I don't want special circumstances... Now all I want, more than ever, is a way out.
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self.depression
|
My Story >
So in mid spring 2016 I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2. My main reaction was relief, finally there's a name for what I've been feeling for over a decade - a decade and a half (I was 27 at the time). Then I kind of had a really hard time, I don't know the right word, processing?, it. I had just made a major move across country, 1200 miles give or take, just...because. No family there, nobody I knew, I had never even stepped foot into the new area until the day I arrived, a couple weeks after I decided to move. I've done similar relocations but all within a couple hours of friends and family and security. Almost immediately after moving I fell into an incredibly bad depression, the worst by far I'd ever had. What was different about this one though was the pure anger I had all the time. I've always been very easily annoyed/irritated and definitely had on occasion got absolutely furious to the point of irrationality over trivial items. But never this just anger that was always there. On top of that I was so anxious ALL THE DAMN TIME. I started panicking at the thought of going somewhere other than work or home. I was miserable.
>
That's when I went to the doctor. So first emotion - relief. After a while though I started questioning everything. My life. My mind. My experiences. How much was me? How much was because of Mania? How much was because of depression? Do I even have control over my own thoughts? It was just relentless,cycling questioning. My thoughts just wouldn't stop and shut off. So I decided to get a job at a bar in addition to my day job.
>
All of a sudden everything was so much better! I met people! I had friends! I got free drinks! I met a guy! Holy lot of sex all the time! Good thing I don't sleep much because working 8am-3am 5 days a week would be too much for all the normal people that actually get sleep! Lost my house? Oh well, my roommate is just an asshole (really he was but thats a different story), and I needed to move out anyway! Lost my job that I moved in the first place for? Oh well, it's their fault and I like working at the bar and being with (having sex with) the guy more than that silly job anyway! Lose the job at the bar? Oh well I told the boss I was going to quit anyways because she had it in for me! So I got another job at a different bar.
>
Couldn't find another day job. Since I lost the day job I suddenly had no insurance which meant no more medication. That was late 2016. The rest of the year was a blur. No sleep, lots of talking, started gambling, but for the most part I felt like it was all okay and good.
>
Then 2017 happens. Lost the job at other bar. Then went to a 3rd bar. Moved in with guy from earlier in the story Worked there for a little while. Then one day I got irritated over something and yelled at the boss and walked out. I would never do that normally and I'm appalled with myself looking back. Got a serving job for less than a month when I just suddenly became too...apethetic to even go. I quit by just not showing up and not answering my phone. I ended up back at 2nd bar. I was there for about a month when I was asked to come back to my original job, the one I moved here for. What! Thats awesome! I couldn't believe it. Good job, good coworkers, salary, most importantly health insurance!
>
Me and the guy were so incredibly excited. Things had been tense for us lately. Well, since beginning of 2017. This was now October 2017. For 10 months it was escalated fighting, me accusing him of cheating, of talking about me to his friends, more fighting more fighting more fighting. Each time it was worse and worse. My anger level was so scary. I was hitting walls, slamming doors, breaking doors, stomping on floors, yelling as loud as I could. In the midst of it I would always end up breaking down, sobbing, curled up in a ball feeling like I had to hold on to myself or all the pieces would shatter. Then the anger would be in my mind while the overwhelming sense of despair took over my thoughts and my body. It started happening one a month, once a week, to nearly daily. I was still sleeping maybe 2-3 hours a night, my thoughts would never stop. My newfound hobbies would never stop. Nothing in this world would ever stop. This, the anger that I carried with me every minute, mixed with that feeling of despair and sadness, it became too much. Chaos is the only word I can think to describe it. I hurt physically and mentally. Then the paranoia (always been cautious, always worried, but the paranoia was new to me) kicked in. I could hear the neighbors talking in their living room from my brdroom about me. I knew they hated me. My boyfriend was always talking about me the second I walked out of the room. I knew he didn't really want to be with me. The music was just comforting me, oh wait there's no radio. People kept staring at me anytime I went anywhere. Is something wrong with my makeup? All the cars on the road were following me. No. They were all cops. Oh God I was swerving wasn't I. Am I going the speed limit? Oh nevermind not a cop. It got to the point that I was terrified to drive because I couldn't stop looking in my rearview mirror. It's still like that. My co-workers all talked about me as soon as I was out of eyesight. I could never discern the actual words but the whispering was constant. Then at home the guy would be in the basement and I could hear him talking on phone or to whatever friend he had over, again no actual words but whispering ALL THE TIME. It wouldn't stop. Then hearing my name. Or the door open. What was that shadow? I swear someone just walked behind me, I can feel them staring.
>
I honestly thought nothing of any of this bit was normal. I thought. Then in January this year, things got out of hand between my boyfriend and I. I won't discuss the details of that, but it was bad. Very very bad. I was so depressed I couldn't get out of bed to go to work. How I still have my job I don't know but I will forever be thankful for kind-hearted bosses. I decided to go back to the doctor. Saw my primary, she was able to get me started back on my meds til I could see the Dr but she told me that she was getting me in ASAP to see a psychologist until a psychiatrist opened up to see me, that I was most likely Bipolar 1 with psychosis and needed new medicine. My psychologists thoughts were the same. They're both trying to speed up the process to get me an appointment with psychiatrist. My new therapist is amazing. She understands what in trying to express. She makes me feel like I'm not alone. That other people have the anger, the paranoia, the rapid cycling I have, the mixed states. I didn't know having opposite reactions to things like were common - stimulants out me to sleep, things like pain pills get me super up and talkative. Just those little things gave me hope.
>
I still am dealing with the anger. The depression is not overwhelming anymore but I can feel it's constant presence there just waiting. My thoughts still, the anxiety and paranoia are still there. The whispering, voices, noises and the things Im pretty sure I see but I know I don't, those freak me out. The last couple days I've started about 5 new projects and completed 1/3 - 1/2 of all of them. The boyfriend and I have only argued 2 times since I started the medication again. But the irritation is still there. Lot of issues there to work out, were both trying so time will tell. I'm just trying to make things better for me, for him, for us, for my mind.
>
Wow. This was a mega vent for me. I just wanted to get my voice out there, share my story I guess. It's not something I really talk about to anyone but I hate holding it in. Guess just reaching out for confirmation that I'm not alone and just to say, hi.
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self.bipolar
|
I have an irrational fear I’m going to get beat up by my future college roommate I’m a 18/M going to college next year and struggled with anxiety all my life. This is something that captivates my mind constantly and I know how stupid it is but I can’t shake it.
Part of it is that it would be easy. Any guy could fold me like a pipe cleaner. Most girls probably could too.
I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it, it keeps me from focusing on my schoolwork. Sometimes I even cry about it.
Do any of you guys have experience with irrational fears and how to alleviate them?
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self.Anxiety
|
My husband and I were supposed to go to a party tonight but I can't leave the house. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Feeling like I shouldn’t be allowed to feel depressed. Like the title says. I read through these posts and other depression blogs and I feel like I have no right to be feeling depressed. I have a happy wife, a baby on the way, a nice home, and a good job. Here I am though sitting at work feeling like everything would just be better if I wasn’t here. Feeling like I should crawl in a hole and never get out. Feeling like I am more depressed because I don’t have it as bad as some people and that makes the way I am feeling worse. I wish I could say all of these bad things were happening to me. I wish I could justify wanting to go to sleep and not every wake up. I’m sorry if this really isn’t what’s supposed to be posted here but I felt like I need to vent, to let out my thoughts so I don’t act on them. Thanks for listening.
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self.depression
|
That awkward moment when you realize the movie “Next” is about a guy living with anxiety and having a very vivid imagination. As a person that deals with crippling anxiety, as most adults do, I feel like the movie “Next” starring Nicolas Cage and Jessica Biel, the movie about a guy who can see into the future and anticipate events that “Might happen”, is just a reality to someone like me.
For example, he foresees every negative interaction or happening to every interaction: gunned down, blown up, run over, REJECTED BY A GIRL. (That’s the worst). We (the Anxious) have all had these thoughts, and anticipate and worry about every interaction.
That, and he day dreams about being super human and saving the world. (Dodging bullets and saving the girl.) Who hasn’t stood in the shower dreaming of saving the world?
Anyways, soap box over, Next is just a movie about a guy with crippling paranoia.
My two cents
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self.Anxiety
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I made it out of depression but now I have anxiety about what’s next [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Ever feel like the happier you are in social settings the quicker your lows come? Like the title says, does anyone else feel like the more happy and fun times you have in a social setting, the quicker you have a low come along? I personally feel like after having an extremely fun night out with friends it's usually followed up in the next day or two with a bought of depressive feelings for a few days. Is this just me or does anyone else feel like they have this happen too?
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self.bipolar
|
Last ditch effort to save my apartment. Backstory: I've been uber unwell for a long while. More so the past couple years and have been unemployed/going through disability process e.g. post history.
I've posted before about how I'm losing my apartment/about to be homeless.
Also about how I just ended up with a little job. Well I just figured out the job would actually cover my rent.
So even though it's 2 days before I'm set to be out and they've shown the apartment twice. I'm going to call them in the a.m. to say I'd like to stay if they haven't rented it already. Idk if its strange or whatever to do this.
I'm paranoid and anxious that they will deny me because they know I'm a bad and dirty person. I just feel like I have to try to save my cats. That's all I care about.
Please put out vibes that this will work out.
Edit: How am I supposed to sleep?!
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self.bipolar
|
Sugar and anxiety I’ve been skimming through the posts and noticed some people mentioned cutting out sugar and helping decrease their anxiety. I was wondering what has been others’ experience with it? I find myself consuming a lot of sugar when I’m particularly anxious and hadn’t though of the effect it may have on my anxiety symptoms.
Thanks!
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self.Anxiety
|
I hate the holidays (Family guilt edition) Every year around this time, my mom and my dad (divorced ~7 years ago) always want to get together for the holidays and they usually request that we visit them. About 5 years ago, my now-wife and I bought a home that is within 2 hours from my dad, mom, and my inlaws. One of the big reasons is so that our family could be around when we decided to have children. We now have a 2 year old son, which can make traveling to see family quite difficult. We learned that our son doesn't travel very well as it tends to wreck his nap schedule, which makes handling him very difficult.
We have a large house and plenty of room for family to visit. However, my inlaws are the only ones to regularly come by to visit my family. My father doesn't seem to care and despite being in our city multiple times a month, he can't be bothered to stop by and see his grandson. My mother maybe visits once every 6 months and the last time was because of my son's 2nd birthday party, not because they wanted time with him. I know part of the reason is because I left the church about 10 years ago. Neither my dad nor mom would EVER consider skipping church, so weekend trips are very hard for them. They get mad because we don't visit them, even after explaining that travelling with a toddler is a difficult and often fruitless endeavor that puts undue stress on me and my wife in addition to bothering my son and disrupting his schedule.
My mom is now causing me problems by emailing me about respect and claiming that because we're disrespectful she won't visit and will mail all of the gifts to us. I told her that if she's unable to call me or drop the victim act, we don't want the presents. My dad had his wife text my wife and I asking for us to visit them for Christmas Eve. Two different approaches, both of which are unwelcome. Basically, my parents are just very hands off when it comes to my family and expect much more than they are willing to give.
Compare that with my inlaws: They go crazy if it's been more than 2 weeks since they've seen my son. They check in on us very often and are always willing to help if we need anything. They invest in our family and have always been there when we needed something. My FIL and I built my son's IKEA furniture together and he and my brother in law did a great job staining them. My dad was invited to help and chose not to. My FIL and I built my son's huge swingset/playground and again I invited my dad to help. He declined. My MIL spends hours on hours shopping at consignment shops and child clothing/toy swap meets to get items for my son on the cheap.
Part of me wants to just cut my mother and father out of our lives just to avoid the perpetual drama that always occurs when we ask them to maybe bend a little to help or just visit. This is the time of year where we should be thankful for what we have and I am so very very thankful for my wife and her parents, but when it comes to my folks...I just feel dread.
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self.offmychest
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Dae feel like talking about their anxiety/depression is looking for reassurance about their suicidal thoughts? I feel that way currently.
I'm having a flare up of my severe anxiety and mood swings. I feel like I'm only taking about it so that someone will tell me it's okay to want to die...
I'm so sick of being alive.
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self.Anxiety
|
I (18F) feel so lost and keep lashing out at people I love, feel worthless, and like a piece of shit I feel like a piece of shit and that I’m nothing. I was salutatorian from my high school and now in college I failed my math class and I’m on 1st semester academic probation, I used to feel smart but now I feel worthless, and I have big dreams so this sucks ass. I struggle from many health problems and I sleep too much. I’ve had a lot of emotional trauma this past year. I just get so upset about tiny things and lash out. It becomes huge. I keep lashing out at my boyfriend for the smallest things. And my anxiety is at a all time high. I’m so depressed. I just am so scared I’ll push everyone I love away. It’s like one minute I’m me and the next I don’t know who I am.
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self.depression
|
This is the worst point of my life. Last week my mother died, and the day after the funeral my fiance broke up with me.
I've battled with depression since I was 12, and this last week has broken me. I feel like I'm cracking up, and I can't function in life anymore. I'm so angry and hurt and hopeless that I can't breathe.
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self.depression
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I feel like the only thing I look forward to anymore is laying in bed [deleted]
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self.depression
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Sometimes I just stare at my phone and hope someone texts me. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I just want to be loved as much as I love back. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I have this issue with nice comments that I don't understand (First of all, I'd like to say Im new to this subreddit, and I don't know if this would be the right place to post this, so if it isn't, I'm sorry).
This is a bit difficult for me to explain but essentially, whenever anyone comments on my appearance, I feel really uncomfortable, and I try to get them to stop, or hide whatever they commented on. I feel like that if I get nice comments, and immediately, I start to feel very self-conscious about whatever they just mentioned. After the exchange is over I still think about it. It's like my reaction is the opposite of what it should be. I don't understand why though. For example, the other day I encounter an old friend of mine, and immediately after saying "Hi!" and whatever other pleasantries we may have exchanged, the first thing he says is, "Oh Wow, your teeth are really nice!", mind you the last time he remembers seeing me, I had braces on.
To me, it feels so...I can't quite word how I feel; all I can say is I feel "Off" in a bad way, and I guess it's like I'm being judged but favourably. Does anyone else feel like this, or am I making little sense?
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self.Anxiety
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People who struggle with seasonal depression, has relocating alleviated symptoms at all? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Yesterday I got rejected Yesterday,the girl I liked for one year and a half,rejected me when I asked her out this weekend,because "I think you feel something and you want to make something out of it,but I don't feel anything",she said from what I could comprehend.I felt disappointed because I thought she could understand me and I'd like to talk more with her,but it is what it is.After the school hours ended she said "Bye",that surprised me a bit to be honest,but today she didn't say anything when passing by me on the hallway and it felt harsh.I should get over it,but it hits too close to home.
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self.offmychest
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Rant about life (20 years old male depressed student) I was searching Reddit how can a quiet guy/observer/thinker-rather-than-talker date a girl et I came to no conclusion. Most seem to say that you should just be able to carry a conversation. Well I can do that and ask about her day and yada yada yada but it would be a fake interaction because I am not interested in her anyways. So I probably should not even date. Same with friends, I do not have friends because I have no interest about chatting or asking about them etc. I was waiting for the exams to finish to put my full time researching that but it seems I did not find a solution other than stay without friends/a girlfriend. I am surely not going to return to drugs just because of that but life feels plain boring and uninteresting, hence probably my depression. The need to sleep all the time like before Zoloft has decreased, because I want to fight for my life. But feels like its a lost battle meaning I am deemed for now to not have a girlfriend/friends. For now I am a university student. I wish I knew more about life... If you could help, please do. Thanks alot in advance.
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self.depression
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When people think you just don’t give a sh** about anything [deleted]
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self.depression
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I hate that my friends get annoyed at my hatred for christianity I went to a catholic school for 9 years. I had christianity forced upon me from when I was 5 til I was 14. Literally when I was still in elementary school, I tried to force myself to read the bible and pray. I never liked it, it was never for me, but I was too young to understand that I could believe in whatever I wanted, so I tried to believe in what I was told was right- christianity.
When I was 16 in high school, I had a principal who was really religious. We became close and he always helped me with my depression, and he kind of got me believing on God again. During that 1 year period, I attended church, went to weekly bible study, prayed, and got baptized. But over time it felt like I was forcing it again. I knew I didn't believe in god, and forcing myself to believe in it made me feel like shit.
Two of my bestfriends were involved in that church and bible study stuff that I went to. They never fell out of it. Though they aren't perfect role models and do bad things like everyone else, they still kept their faith. Over time my hatred for christianity has grown. I hate seeing anything about it, I hate talking about it, hearing about it, all of it- and it's because I grew up going to Catholic school. I know this because the same thing happened to most of the people I attended that school with. They are now non religious and hate the idea of god, just like me.
Those two friends have never understood why I feel this way. Sometimes they confront me about it and I feel like they're lashing out. They say stuff like "You only don't like it because it makes you uncomfortable because you know it could be the truth" which I don't think is true at all. They aren't me, they don't know how I feel. They stay stuff like they will pray for me, which is fine. That's a nice thing to do. I've even told them I'm not opposed to being a christian, but I refuse to force myself to believe in it when I don't.
Today I retweeted a quoted tweet of this video on twitter of these girls preaching about god on a subway. The quote said something like "Sis don't nobody want to hear that shit." And I agree, so I retweeted it. One of the friends texted me and said "I feel like having an aggression toward it is a coping mechanism to reinforce your impulse to block out anything that will remove the identity that you claim so you can continue to live in false comfort."
Nobody fucking knows god is real, so I don't know what in the hell "false comfort" is supposed to mean. I feel more comfort when I don't associate myself with god. It's just who I am. People believe what they believe. Who gives a fuck. I'm a kind person and I don't hurt people or myself so why the hell does it matter? She is my best friend, if anything she should understand and just leave me alone about it. I've already explained my point of view to her many fucking times and I'm about sick of people trying to make me feel guilty for not forcing myself to believe in a damn religion. I love myself the way I am, I'm comfortable the way I am right now. It's really not that hard to let me be.
TL;DR- For good reason I kind of hate christianity, and some people can't accept the fact that I don't like it and make me feel like shit for not forcing myself to believe in it.
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self.offmychest
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I'm tired of this Everyday, I smile so I don't have to explain my pain. I write thing on myself and punch things to cope. I'm tired of living like this. I'm tired of living. I've already tried to take my own life several times before. I'm almost willing to try again. I have nothing to lose. I'm only causing my mother more stress than she's already in. What else can I do?
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self.SuicideWatch
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physical symptoms lead me here I have always been a little angry and had a hard time putting anxious thoughts away. I have these physical problems, IBS... sinus issues, lethargy etc... basically I always feel like shit, not in a normal way... after a million times taking quizzes online and doctors visits that tell me nothing is wrong, here i am... the worst part is that i appear to have a very mellow disposition, so nobody seems to realize the non stop agonizing internal dialog in my mind... i meditate some, but i think i need to find a good therapist and possibly take meds, i'm about to go on vacation, and as much as i love to travel, I feel like I'm going to ruin our vacation for both of us because of my anxiety and it's physical sypmtoms.
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self.Anxiety
|
I don't know how long all this will last. I don't know how much more I can handle. Between my own mental issues (mainly dealing with anger and fighting against a possible depression), trying to deal with my narcissistic mother (who, of course, reminds me of the fact that she owns everything I have and am anytime she can) and trying to keep my aspie chronically depressed girlfriend alive, I think everyone forgot about me.
I don't think love is worth it if it brings you so much pain.
I don't think love is worth it if you think that every lull in instant messaging means that she killed herself
I don't think love is worth it when she gets angry, selfdamaging and suicidal because of something that happened but has a solution
I don't think love is worth it when sometimes, in the middle of a sleepless night, you think that, even if it became an abusive relationship, you just KNOW you wouldn't been able to end the relationship because you just KNOW she's gonna kill herself and you're too much of a weak person to not blame yourself for YEARS AND YEARS
Why did I put myself in this situation? Why did I think I could fix her?
Why do I feel all this pain despite Loving and Loving and Loving her above all?
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self.offmychest
|
I get anxious for cross country practice for some reason? So this is my first year on the team, and while I think it was acceptable to be nervous the first week or so of practice and for the meets, there's no reason for me to still be anxious for practice. It's been months and the season's already over. I think I get nervous because I'm worried my coach will judge me or think I'm not trying my best, since I'm not that great of a runner, and I don't want to look bad. I've noticed that the few days she hasn't been at practice and it's just been the assistant coach I was hardly nervous, wasn't dreading the practice and I think I actually performed better. But it's also weird because my coach can also be really nice and encouraging at times, so I don't really know what the problem is. This whole sport is outside my comfort zone, before I never would have classified myself as athletic, so that may contribute too, but I'm really just confused. I definitely don't want to give it up, I enjoy it and I enjoy being fit, but with my first track season coming up i think the anxiety will just get worse. Track seems scarier because there will people watching you from the stands the whole time, and most people in track at the high school level are not just starting out. I'm sorry for the novel, I just really don't understand why I'm still anxious about these things
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self.Anxiety
|
Is it possible to turn your crippling depression into high-functioning depression? 2017 Was literally the worst year of my life with my plethora of mental health issues and I have fallen back into suicidal depression which I'm trying to get out of but in the meantime, back on old habits of sitting doing nothing or being productive doing things that need to get done that are lower on the list than the important things to do. My anti-anxiety meds help a little but but now I'm back to feeling lost and terrible.
With my job im currently working from home as a creative assets developer for a video game but literally every time I try to do art for it or even think about it, I freeze. I cannot move. I cannot breathe. I used to enjoy art. it was my greatest passion. Now I can't even do it for others and can't justify wasting time doing it for myself when I have so much to do.
I kind of went off topic though.
TLDR: Is it possible to turn crippling depression and anxiety into high-functioning depression? I'm going to be depressed either way and experience it the rest of my life over and over, I may as well be useful and productive while depressed.
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self.depression
|
I just need someone to talk to, please. Anyone that is willing to listen to me and will reply. I just need, someone.
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self.depression
|
Did great the first 2.5 months of my new job, now I am slipping becuase of my mental health. Please help! [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Depression, schizophrenia or something else? I know this can't be used for medical advice but I'm concerned about someone in my life who refuses medical help.
For some background, this girl was very bubbly, chatty, emotionally expressive, could make friends with anyone. She has been few a few traumatic experiences that I know of, so maybe it can be attributed to that:
Now, she is a 21 year old female, bad hygiene, seems unable to express any emotion, quiet and avoids eye contact with strangers, never speaks at all really unless it is something she is passionate about (science etc), easily intimidated and extremely paranoid when in public, does not have much of a social life. Symptoms seem to be worsening. Motivation with school is still very much there although I worry her social withdrawal will affect her chances of finding work when she leaves college this year. I thought maybe she is just in a very deep depression but her motivation makes me think otherwise and I have experienced depression for years when I was younger but my experience was not like what I see in her; I was not completely isolated, I wasn't constantly on edge and I could manage small talk etc. She is extremely socially awkward as if she is somewhere else completely (not mocking her, I am trying to give an accurate description).
I'm not asking for a diagnosis, just your thoughts or whether your personal experience was like this
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self.depression
|
To my mother. Why? thats all I am asking. Why did you choose drugs over me? why did you get locked up? I want you to know that I am furious at you and you have fucked me up. and then telling me its my fault? thats even more fucked up. I wish you would stop manipulating me and asking me for money. Just know that I am blocking your prison number and mail. Thanks for ruining Christmas for me forever. you got yourself into this mess, enjoy your 30 years alone. I am trying to forgive you, but I am not ready. You should've been my parent, and i shouldnt have to worry about if you are clean or not every day. maybe the second time around you will learn your lesson. Enjoy maximum security. Hopefully you will use these 30 years to reflect on what a terrible fucking person you are, Enjoy it. Youll be in there for a while
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self.offmychest
|
Turning point maybe? I don't really know if life is about to get better or if this is the calm before the final storm but I have a tiny glimmer of hope right now that maybe I can beat this. I'm usually constantly thinking of killing myself but today was good.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I feel like I avoid/can't enjoy sex because of my anxiety Hi everyone
I'm a single guy who is 25 and I feel like I can't do anything sexual because I'm so scared of getting a girl pregnant. Whenever I do have sex I don't enjoy it, I regret it then I replay the scenarios in my head, talk to myself and try to reassure myself that you had safe sex and nothing bad will happen. But my anxiety prevents this
The last time this happened I was drunk during sex but we were safe and the condom was fine. I know this but I had a major panic attack because I was drunk. That I feel like I wasn't paying full attention even though I checked to make sure everything was okay. I know it was but I can't get over that hurdle. This occasion was one night stand and this may be why Im worried so much. I don't know them. It was a hook up from a bar.
When I do start dating I still worry and replay every moment over and over until I get my head in a spin. I'm so paranoid and I really don't want to get anyone pregnant so I know I check correctly every time but this paranoia leads into a disconnect I feel.
Its really getting me down and I feel so low that I can't enjoy something that should be enjoyable. Maybe it's trust issues because in the past relationships it has taken time to feel comfortable with sex and using protection etc. I've had a rough year and I feel like something else really bad is going to happen.
I don't know what to do. I like being single but I do want to find someone I care for but this fear is really setting me back. It's an important part of a relationship and I want to be able to be comfortable whenever I do have sex. I shouldn't have to avoid it but right now it's kind of what I feel I have to do
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self.Anxiety
|
having a really hard time during this part of my life and I don't know when (or if) it'll get better. I'm at a point in my twenties now where, all of my friends have left or moved on from our friendships with no explanation, my ex-boyfriend (who I was in a long distance relationship for quite some time) moved back to my area and found a new group of friends and completely cut me out of his life (I'm still trying to figure out why he broke up with me and what I did wrong), having friends and family members choose drugs and alcohol over personal relationships and friendships. Working a job that, while my bachelors degree was a minimum requirement, the company treats their employees like shit and I barely make a living wage. I tried going to therapy (again) and that was an epic fail, and like the fourth therapist I've seen this year. During my fifth session with her last week, she told me that I needed to go to church so that I'd have purpose in my life (because apparently Jesus saved her) and then spent the other half of my session (angrily) telling me about her divorce that happened almost ten years ago. I don't have the time or money to shop around for a good therapist, especially since my shitty insurance only covers therapy out of one clinic in my area and most other therapists are booked.
I feel like I'm going to snap any day now. I just feel like giving up. I feel like shit, I feel like a loser, I feel like nobody.
I don't think I've cried more in my life than I did this entire year and it has really taken a toll on both my physical and mental health. I feel like I've been pushed to a point where I don't really care anymore and it's scary.
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self.offmychest
|
Does anyone else cycle really regularly through levels of depression? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I just came to the conclusion That life isn't all meaningless. I do have a purpose in life. I just want to have friends I just want a decent paying job... I just want someone to hold me in the night and share their love with me.
First let me start off with some information about me. I am 19 years old, male and I've been depressed for 7 years now. I might have not noticed it back then but about 5 years ago I was sure of it.
Right now I'm sitting on my toilet crying and snorting and browsing this subreddit for the first time in my life.
My last years consisted of going to school, getting decent grades and playing video games all day 24/7. I still had some friends back then but I all lost them graduatly due to me not showing any initiative. I also have never had a girl show and kind of deeper interest in me. Which hurt me the most.
Im sure most of you feel or have felt like me : numb. This feeling that's holding you back and makes you want to lie in bed all day. I used to try to cope with and tell myself it will get better but I realise it won't unless I do something about it. I didn't even feel like a human being anymore.
I was literally hollow.
Just until I few days ago, I'm not sure what triggered it : But it hit me. Really bad. I was at my lowest point of depression about to kill myself. But before I went on with that. I started crying really bad.
I didn't even know I could cry anymore. I just let it ago and realized that I wanna love and be loved. I wanted to feel human again.
I want to feel love, happiness but also pain.
Im really thankful for this reddit for giving me hope and comforting me in this fucked up world.
I really hope I can work on myself now and really hope my post does the same to you as you guys did for me.
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self.depression
|
I (16M) am moving to my shitty hometown Alabama in 9 days and leaving everything behind. A lot is on my mind I've moved houses a lot lately because of family issues, but most recently my dad moved to Alabama with my little brother, but I stayed here to finish out the semester so I could get my full credits. I'm a junior. Ive been staying with my best friend and his family for two months now, but I go to Alabama (from suburban Atlanta in Georgia) in 9 days.
About 3 months ago when I found out I finally started to talk to people more and tame my anxiety, which has been really nice and ive gotten closer with a lot of really great people. I also met a guy 3 months ago and we really hit it off and still are, but now im leaving and everything is just sort of mind boggling. I keep wondering how long or if my friends will sort of forget me. I feel like its inevitable, and im fairly sure the same thing will happen to me. Thats really frightening because my close friends have been my family for me, more than anyone else, and I know ive been the same for them. Its just scary to think that someday they might just sort of remember me faintly.
I feel like I'll remember them after I move. I really really love them. Especially my best friend I'm living with. I couldn't imagine my life without him. I've been pushing and blocking the feeling of hopelessness for awhile now, but im afraid that it will hit me and it'll be out of my control once I move. I need to prepare myself and stay positive, but I dont know how.
TL;DR: Moving to Alabama in 9 days from Atlanta Georgia and I'm scared my close friends will forget me slowly. How do I prepare for this negativity and stay positive?
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self.depression
|
What do you believe in? Are you religious, atheist, agnostic? What do you think there is after this life?
I believe in reincarnation. Seeing it from a logic point of view, it doesn't matter what kind of person you're now to determine what kind of life you'll have, because no one decides what kind of person wants to be. However, i believe the world tends to be a little 'gooder' with time, so chances to have a good life improve. I hope my logic is a fail and there's happiness and rainbows for everyone lol.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Traveling alone I was on a business trip all this week in Colorado, which I have never been to, but always wanted to go. I was given the option to stay the weekend after work is done before going home, which I took. I booked a hotel for myself and have some cool activities planned.
On my way to my hotel I almost got my suitcase stolen. It was extremely windy outside and i let go of my bag for a second to put on my hat and the wind blew it away on its wheels. I was too distracted trying to get an Uber to see it. Luckily, a nice man caught it and gave it to me, but someone could have easily grabbed it and ran away. I am really shaken up and suddenly feeling really scared about being alone. I miss my work friends and now I am worried that I will become lonely and be too anxious to enjoy my time here. I have never travelled alone before, so I feel like I really threw myself into the deep end here.
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self.Anxiety
|
Anyone want to talk? Or play a game online or something Back feeling depressed again and could use a distraction
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self.depression
|
I don't know what to do. I've been doing a ton of weed lately and I've been kind of lonely so I always try to smoke when I hang out with my friends to get that good feeling again. Today was different though. I was high and in the bathroom and I just asked:
"Hey Ben what day is it?" and he replied "It's Tuesday."
I was high on a Tuesday afternoon and I knew this isn't where I wanted to be. I don't want to be high all the time but I just can't find a purpose, I want to be happy but I don't know how. I don't want to be high on a Tuesday afternoon or any other day. But I can't stop. I don't know.
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self.depression
|
I almost killed myself last night I wasn't depressed. I just had the random drive to do it. I usually tell a certain person when I get the thoughts but I didn't say anything. I would have mentioned that we needed to cancel our weekend plans but nothing more. She hopefully would have asked why and it would have come out. I fell asleep on the couch before I could go out and get the pills I needed. I woke up fine like it never happened. But yeah, I almost killed myself last night.
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self.bipolar
|
shame I'm so sorry this is so long but
this is the story of my sexual assault
most times when something happens that freaks me out, my panic and anxiety take over and i cant remember the details of the event.
this is different. the memory of this night is tattooed into my brain and refuses to be covered. i remember what i was wearing, what he was wearing. i remember how cold his hands were and the pounding in my ears. i remember cringing and flinching with his every touch.
i remember my brain screaming at me to do something, to make it stop, to escape.
but most of all i remember how afraid i felt and how that fear translated into my mouth falling silent and my body going slack.
none of that made it stop.
here is what happened.
he came over one night. a friday.
my parents said hello to him and then went up to the attic to watch a movie. my mom looked at me before she climbed the stairs and said “i love you”.
“i know, mom”. embarrassed. nervous.
as my parents leave the room, he scoots closer to me on the couch. talks and talks
about sneakers
supreme
hockey
anything.
i dont say much. i never did. i didnt know anything about jordan’s or drops or the importance of those things.
he never gave me the opportunity to say much anyway.
as he talks, he gets closer and closer.
sneakers
hockey
netflix
reddit
my silence stretches between us and i wonder if he notices that i’m not paying attention anymore.
pointless
shit
that won’t
stop.
finally, he stops talking. he looks at me.
“do you want to watch Always Sunny?”
no i dont. always sunny sucks. but he already had it up on his phone.
shrug. “sure”.
Always Sunny fills the screen. he holds his phone with one hand and takes mine with his other.
sweet and gentle. i was always a sucker for holding hands.
we sit for a while, him laughing periodically at jokes i never really found funny. each time, he would look at me, searching for a reaction. i would force out a laugh or smile and he seemed satisfied with this response.
eventually, i guess he got bored of the show. each time he looks at me, i see that look in his eye. he wants to kiss me, i think. i let him.
he kisses me and i think that’s it. he’s kissed me, now we can watch the show more. maybe he’ll want to play a board game with me. maybe he’ll want to make popcorn.
he keeps his mouth on mine.
seconds, minutes tick by.
kissing becomes more aggressive as his tongue slides into my mouth and wiggles around.
this is weird, i’m thinking. there is a tongue in my mouth that does not belong to me.
his arms wrap around me and i can feel him pulling me so i can be in his lap.
straddling him.
i’m too big for this, i’m thinking. i decide to help him. and i’m straddling him.
my hands on his shoulders, his on my waist.
this is fine, i think.
but then things start happening. one of his arms slides up under my shirt. his hand, cold as ice, finds my bra and slides under it.
i’m caught in a storm of wanting it and wanting it to end. his hand works it’s way around my chest, and i think for a second that i like how it feels.
the second passes.
my brain. my body. decides that we don’t want it.
don’t panic. be cool.
i can hear the movie my parents are watching from upstairs. i imagine then watching it and wondering what i’m up to. i told them we were going to play a board game. i want to play a board game.
this is not a game.
his hand slides out and back to its original position at my hip. i am relieved.
my legs hurt from being spread so wide across his lap.
the kissing feels like it’s lasting for hours. i want to pull away, but his arms tighten around me and pull me even closer.
this is what he wants, i tell myself. give it to him, i command myself.
then his hand moves. i wonder where it is going. it snakes around my body to my lower back. it goes down into my leggings, under my underwear.
it rubs my butt and i want to laugh. but i dont.
his hand doesn’t stop there.
it comes back around.
around around around.
it doesn’t stop.
it runs down my pelvis and my body cringes. i wonder if he notices. it runs further, and i am concerned if the fact that i havent shaved down there in months bothers him.
it doesn’t stop and it keeps going until fingers are shoved up inside me.
scraping me.
thrusted in and out.
my hands fall off his shoulders and go numb.
i stop kissing him back. his mouth mashes against mine.
i do not want this, my brain is screaming at me
i want him out, my brain is yelling at me.
my hands feel fuzzy. my face feels tingly.
i know i am about to panic. i feel myself gasping for air.
i wonder why i cant speak.
i wonder why he hasn’t noticed my lack of participation. maybe he just doesn’t care.
his fingers inside me.
this does not feel good
i force myself to breathe. to not let him see the turmoil i am experiencing.
my eyes pop open. i can see over his head my school picture staring at me from its place behind the couch.
smiling
innocent
i want to cry. that girl didn’t know this would happen. this girl doesn’t want it to happen.
i cant speak. i cant do anything
his fingers. inside me.
scraping and pushing.
when will it end, i think over and over
until finally it does.
he pulls his hand out. he puts it where it started.
still kissing me.
i do not respond to his kisses. i sit, my head pounding and a whirring sound in my ears.
upstairs, my parents laugh at the movie
i feel like i will never laugh again.
he isn’t done. how can he not be done after that?
he takes me hand
not gentle, not sweet.
he pulls it forcefully down to his lap.
i can feel what he wants me to feel
i know what he wants me to do.
but i wont. i cant.
i pull away but he won’t let me, we go back to his lap over and over.
until, i guess, he gets tired of trying.
finally he stops kissing me
finally.
i get up. i leave the room. i cant even look back at him. i stand in my dining room where he can’t see me in the dark. i stare at a wall. adjust my underwear.
tears fill my eyes, but i refuse to let them spill over while he is here.
i disguise my trip to the dining room as me looking for my water bottle. i know it is on the coffee table. but i pretend.
shake it off, i think. you’re ok.
i’m not ok.
i sit back on the couch, away from him, still not meeting his eyes.
fake a laugh.
pick up my water bottle.
“oh here it is.”
he gives me a funny look and i glance at him for a second. try to smile.
then he pulls me toward him. kisses my forehead. i used to love that. a kiss on the forehead. but this time I hate it. it was like he was thanking me for giving him my body. thank you. kiss. i used to love a kiss on the forehead.
now it makes my skin crawl.
time ticks by. he hugs me toward him.
“so. do you want to play a board game?” i want to stop the closeness. i want to do what i told my mom we were going to do.
so we play.
and i pretend. i pretend i am fine. i pretend like what happened was not an assault. i pretend it is my fault. i pretend he is a good guy. i pretend and pretend for 5 months.
the pain never stops and it keeps going.
5 months and beyond
that is what happened. that is what it felt like. it’s hard to imagine how much something can affect someone until it happens to you. you can’t understand something like that unless you experience it yourself.
i am thankful for those who have been there for me through this.
who try to understand and they listen
i am, however, angry at those that do not want to try to understand.
so much so that they think i can shake this one off.
like i stubbed my toe.
like thinking about this experience is a choice i make.
i do not choose to think about this.
i cant help it if sometimes when i’m sitting on that couch i remember that night.
i will never apologize for remembering it when i see him in the hallway at school.
i cant just forget what it was like to lose control of my body while another person was taking away the house i had worked hard to build for myself. taking away the love and happiness and decorating it with shame and anger and hate.
i cant forget those things so sometimes i lose control and i have to stop
breathe.
but i also say i am thankful.
i am thankful that i am not alone.
i am thankful that i have learned to tear down the shame that does not belong to me and replace it with love.
i am thankful that i have stopped punishing myself for something that no one could have been prepared for.
i am thankful that i have learned to be strong.
it is so easy to be angry and blame myself for this. it is easy to hate.
but the hard stuff, that is what keeps me going.
i learn everyday a new reason to love being alive. it is hard to forgive myself and others who have left me because of what i’ve been through.
but i have forgiven myself
and i’m working on forgiving others
it is impossible to stay the same.
it is impossible for me to not grow from this.
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self.offmychest
|
I miss Saturn Very Much This is an excerpt from Kay Redfield Jaminson's book An Unquiet Mind. I read this during my first hospitalization and it still resonates with me.
People go mad in idiosyncratic ways. Perhaps it was not surprising that, as a meteorologist’s daughter, I found myself, in that glorious illusion of high summer days, gliding, flying, now and again lurching through cloud banks and ethers, past stars, and across fields of ice crystals. Even now, I can see in my mind’s rather peculiar eye an extraordinary shattering and shifting of light; inconstant but ravishing colors laid out across miles of circling rings; and the almost imperceptible, somehow surprisingly pallid, moons of this Catherine wheel of a planet. I remember singing “Fly Me to the Moons” as I swept past those of Saturn, and thinking myself terribly funny. I saw and experienced that which had been only dreams, or fitful fragments of aspiration.
Was it real? Well, of course not, not in any meaningful sense of the word “real.” But did it stay with me? Absolutely. Long after my psychosis cleared, and the medications took hold, it became part of what one remembers forever, surrounded by an almost Proustian melancholy. Long since that extended voyage of my mind and soul, Saturn and its icy rings took on an elegiac beauty, and I don’t see Saturn’s image now without feeling an acute sadness at its being so far away from me, so unobtainable in so many ways. The intensity, glory, and absolute assuredness of my mind’s flight made it very difficult for me to believe, once I was better, that the illness was one I should willingly give up. Even though I was a clinician and a scientist, and even though I could read the research literature and see the inevitable, bleak consequences of not taking lithium, I for many years after my initial diagnosis was reluctant to take my medications as prescribed. Why was I so unwilling? Why did it take having to go through more episodes of mania, followed by long suicidal depressions, before I would take lithium in a medically sensible way?
Some of my reluctance, no doubt, stemmed from a fundamental denial that what I had was a real disease. This is a common reaction that follows, rather counter-intuitively, in the wake of early episodes of manic-depressive illness. Moods are such an essential part of the substance of life, of one’s notion of oneself, that even psychotic extremes in mood and behavior somehow can be seen as temporary, even understandable, reactions to what life has dealt. In my case, I had a horrible sense of loss for who I had been and where I had been. It was difficult to give up the high flights of mind and mood, even though the depressions that inevitably followed nearly cost me my life.
My family and friends expected that I would welcome being “normal,” be appreciative of lithium, and take in stride having normal energy and sleep. But if you have had stars at your feet and the rings of planets through your hands, are used to sleeping only four or five hours a night and now sleep eight, are used to staying up all night for days and weeks in a row and now cannot, it is a very real adjustment to blend into a three-piece-suit schedule, which, while comfortable to many, is new, restrictive, seemingly less productive, and maddeningly less intoxicating. People say, when I complain of being less lively, less energetic, less high-spirited, “Well, now you’re just like the rest of us,” meaning, among other things, to be reassuring. But I compare myself with my former self, not with others. Not only that, I tend to compare my current self with the best I have been, which is when I have been mildly manic. When I am my present “normal” self, I am far removed from when I have been my liveliest, most productive, most intense, most outgoing and effervescent. In short, for myself, I am a hard act to follow.
And I miss Saturn very much.
|
self.bipolar
|
Had a panic attack last week, missed Friday at work... [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
For some reason I want to tell all of you why I will commit suicide Im not sure why I want to tell you all why Im going to commit suicide but for some reason i believe it will be cathartic. I am 16 and I have been given everything I could want. I have never gone hungry and I have never lived without a roof over my head. My body is not being ravaged by a painful disease, and I am not abused by anyone. By any normal measure it seems like I should be very happy and satisfied with life, but for some reason I am not. I have friends and family who seem to care greatly for me but there is a deep emptiness that I feel each day. It feels like a part of my chest is missing and there is a cavitiy of emptiness inside me. I crave a deep romantic connection with someone but I have sort of accepted that I am unlikable to seemingly every girl. Im not exepctionally ugly or anything, I just think I as a person am probably not interesting or attractive to any girl. Even my junkie brother and wacky stoner friends found relationships but I am just fundementally not good enough. I often wake up thinking about killing myself and go through my whole day with the thought in my head. The only reason I have not killed myself is the fact that my mother would be devastated, so I basically live for her pleasure not my own. I do not always feel depressed but when i do it really sinks in how worthless I am. I recently thought I was going to have a respite from my condition but like every other girl I have ever been involved with, she seems to have gotten uninterested and is probably annoyed by me. I just feel like everyone is bothered by my presence and i fuck everything up for myself.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I dont have the balls to go to prom with this girl I have a friend (F), she studies in a school of girls-only. There is this girl (A) from that same school, some time ago i found (A) instagram and fell in love with her looks, seriously, she is stunning. I found out (F) knew her and i always joked with her about how ridiculously beautiful her friend (A) was, i have never talked or related with (A) though. The thing is today (F) told me that they are going to have their prom party in 2 months, that (A) is available. She told me that if i wanted to go with her it's basically arranged already.
Context:
- Both (F) and (A) are 16.
- I'm 18, i'm 6 feet, i'm okay looking but really insecure when it comes to meeting people who i consider
are above me in the social ladder, these outgoing people who think they are the shit. And this is a prom
night, everyone is going to be drunk, dancing, trying their asses off to be cool, this is not my thing, it will
also be full of people gathered in their selected groups. It's a really intimidating scenario for me. I spent
my prom night with my friends, i have no friends here.
- Parties in Argentina are not like in Europe where they put electronic music and jump, in here they put
some loud latin shit (stuff like "Despacito"). Everyone knows how to dance, and they dance really good, i
don't know how to dance.
- She comes from a school full of girls, she never had a boyfriend, i'd dare to say all her friends are girls. I
guess this makes it easier for me, since she should be unexperienced with guys.
- The fact that it's the prom of a girls-only school also means they don't know much guys and their
options are limited, so i guess i won't be seeing much cool popular guys around, making it less
intimidating.
- I wouldn't know anyone at that prom, only my friend (F), i don't even know (A) yet.
Despite everything, i would really love to go with her. It's just that she deserves so much more, it's her prom night and it has to be the time of her life, i don't even know how to dance, i don't want to ruin it and make this special night a boring memory for her. I seriously don't like parties, being 8 hours until the morning trying to be funny, dancing and being cool with everyone seems like an impossible task to me, but for this girl i would learn to dance. Also, i'd like to get out of my comfort zone and experience something like this.
What would you do if you were me?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Stressed becsuse schoolwork is starting to load on me but too lazy and depressed to do it. Right now our school is on break for a week, and damn I'm the happiest I've ever been. I've been grinding in Rocket League and just having fun. Something I enjoy doing.
But I realize REAL QUICK this is all gonna disappear. My mom wants me to pass my classes and I can't even do my schoolwork and sooner or later she'll punish me and take away the things I cherish most, which will probably just end up in me taking my threats of running away seriously. I only do a few things to make myself happy and those things involve computers and the Internet. If that's gone, I might as well die.
|
self.depression
|
My job is making me depressed I've been at the same job for almost 2 years now. I've recently become so depressed due to my job it's affecting my personal life (sleep, hobbies, relationships).
I work for a very small (10 people) company. My roles/responsibilities aren't outlined clearly. I end up doing things "wrong" because I didn't know things were/weren't my responsibility. I never get praise either so that just makes me feel stupid and that I can't do things right.
I had a coworker tell me I was rude to a customer. This was AFTER the customer flipped out and screamed in my face. She ended up flipping me off as she left. She knew the customer and told me *I* made mistakes...but never gave me specifics. I don't know what I did wrong. Other coworkers were witness and didn't think I did anything wrong. I've gotten numerous accolades at previous jobs (employee of the month). I lose sleep over this regularly.
It seems like my plate is full...yet more things keep getting added. It's so hard to catch up. The worst part is I'm salaried so I work my ass off and don't get anything extra for it. I'm expected to spend extra time outside of work in meetings, etc. I recently attempted to take a solid 30 minute lunch break every day for myself. I still end up being interrupted.
I feel like my employees just rely on me to do everything because they're lazy. I'm not a genius, but I work hard at problem solving. If they don't know how to do things and they ask me. It's understandable as I'm a manager. However, it's simple tasks that with 5 minutes of effort any average person could do. Example: our computer used for timecards sometimes has finicky internet. You can just unplug the ethernet cord and restart the computer to fix it. Every time this happens no one clocks in and I find out later that the computer is "broken". I have to "fix" it and then manually put in everyone's times.
I was recently told I was "negative" for giving honest feedback on a shitstorm of a day. I was an adult and appropriately said the day did not go well and I'd hate to do it again. The company is all about numbers without considering what is sustainable by staff. This has led me to completely burn out.
I'm at a loss. This job isn't worth it considering I get ZERO benefits. My spouse doesn't want me to take a job that pays less than I make now. I don't know if I can find something like that based on my experience/education/where I live.
I feel so withdrawn. I have no motivation do to the things I love. I don't want to be around loved ones. I just want to sleep all the time.
What should I do?
|
self.offmychest
|
Somebody, please Paint the walls with my brains, take the pain away.
|
self.depression
|
Just so tired of all this pain Posted a much longer post not too long ago if anyone out there cares at all just needed to say some more stuff out loud I guess. I've started cutting again for the first time in years. It doesn't even hurt like it used to. Maybe just because of how little I care about life anymore. I don't know. I just don't want to live anymore not with this kind of pain. I keep trying but nothing works. Im giving up for good on the 5th of January if I'm not someway better than this. I cant keep going on hurting like this anymore
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Reaction to oral steroids? Trying to fend off pneumonia, I was prescribed oral streroids. Anyone else have problems with them? I am straight up hypomanic right now. 😆
|
self.bipolar
|
Round two and affecting work Hello all,
So, a few months ago I got my first job out of college as a middle school teacher. I had to move away from the school I went to college in and was no closer to my family, so I was mostly alone (my boyfriend, luckily, lived nearby). I made no friends last year, experienced a traumatic event, had a crap boss and essentially sank into an anxiety/panic-attack induced depression. I had 0 motivation and just felt tense/wanted to run away at the thought of work/leaving home. After missing a week of work and lying to my family, I finally broke down and asked for help. I went to therapy and got time off of work and was put on anti-depressants. Then, "luckily" (depending on your view), I got laid off and had to find a new job. I got a job at a good district, basically got my pick of schools, then it was summer time.
Summer wasn't bad (I did a small summer school program and used the time to plan ahead). Then this fall, started my new job, met a lot of cool people and loved my kids and my classroom. I wasn't on my antidepressants anymore, due to having to switch insurance, but I felt fine. Then I found out enrollment was down, and as the newest teacher, I had to be transferred to a high school nearby and was given the weekend and a day off to pack up my classroom and get ready to teach my new classes.
At first I was doing okay and trying to keep up. But I met no one and had zero people to talk to. I had some classes I was given that I didn't plan on ever teaching and I can't find the motivation to plan ahead for my classes I enjoy. Essentially, I've slowly been sinking back into a depressed, unmotivated person like I was last year.
I've started missing work again this week and I'm not sure what to do. I started my antidepressants again last week and I called behavioral health today, but the soonest meeting I have is for next week. Going to work fills me with dread because I can't find the energy to get off the couch, plan for the day and do any work. I haven't even showered or properly eaten in about 5 days. I am pissed that I let myself regress and my boyfriend tries to help as well as my mom, but I just keep lying to them about my condition. I'm almost out of sub days, I worry about my students, and I'm at a complete loss.
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self.depression
|
I just realized I don’t care about almost anything. I was talking to a friend about how I have issues motivating myself to do things. He said find something you like to do, and make it so you can’t do that until the work is done. Issue is i don’t like to do anything. I told him this much, so he ask if I cared about anything. This is the first time I ever asked this question. I just stopped talking entirely. I can’t think of anything I care about, other than other people. I care about my grades only to the extent that it affects my parents. I only care about my future in how it affects others. I only care about if I die or how well I am because it affects the people around me. I honestly find just as much enjoyment out of staring at a wall as I do watching a movie or playing video games, which is to say not at all. How am I supposed to get anything done if I just don’t care. I want to care about stuff. I want to have passions, but I just can’t.
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self.depression
|
I'm useless I've never helped my parents with anything, I've never contributed something to society, I've never made people feel good, I was never unique, I never did good in school, I don't have a degree/job, I definitely don't have proud parents.
And the hardest part is, that my parents still love me.
I just want to be forgotten and fall asleep forever
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self.depression
|
What to do? Been crying and sleeping a lot and at times I feel nothing and I can't sleep. I have so many problems, my mom is constantly pressuring me to find a job and I haven't even graduated college yet and I'm still undergoing On the Job Training. She keeps making me feel like shit. She keeps treating me like shit. She looks at me like she regrets ever giving birth to me. We don't have financial problems which is why I don't understand why she keeps on pressuring me. I've been trying so hard to surpress everything, to understand her, to keep things to myself so that she won't worry but I'm getting worse and worse everyday. My sister majored in Psychology and I've been waiting for her to notice but she still hasn't. My other three sisters are too busy with their perfect
Iives to notice too. I'm so numb and at the same time all these feelings are coming straight at me at once. I don't know what to do. I just want to end it all. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to sleep and never wake up ever again.
Also, my sleep paralysis came back, I can't move, I can't breathe and at one point I thought I was going to die but the realization was: that I couldn't wait to die.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My husband passed away and I have regrets My husband passed away 2 days before Christmas, at the age of 26 and I'm really struggling to deal with it. He was the most wonderful man in the world and I owe him everything. I don't want to go into details, but my husband was an angel to me.
One thing he always wanted was to have children. He suffered from a congenital condition which took him away sooner than anyone expected, but he always hoped we'd have children if he ever managed to get his health under control. Being a very responsible person he didn't want to leave any loose ends or "burden me" (his words, not mine) with a child he wouldn't be there to provide for. I was open to the concept of having children as well, but never insisted on it knowing his attitude.
Now that he's gone, I really regret not pushing the issue. If I had been more assertive, there would be a piece of him that lives on, a baby we both created that I could pamper and spoil like my husband lovingly spoiled me.
I feel especially bad knowing that with the money and investments he'd made with the future in mind I'm in a really good place financially, and a child wouldn't change that.
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self.offmychest
|
Thinking about ending it all, because I love myself, but not my life I don’t have low self esteem. I don’t hate the person who I am. I just don’t want to continue this life anymore. I hate my family. I hate my “friends”. I’ve always felt this way, ever since I was I child.
I always thought that once I got older this feeling would go away, but it hasn’t. I’m tired of being full of hatred, resentment, anguish, and every other negative emotion you can think of.
To be honest, I really don’t give a fuck who I’d hurt if I actually go through with this, because I’m doing it for myself. I honestly view this as doing a compassionate thing for myself. The cruel thing to do would continue living a life that I don’t want to live anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Am I a horrible person Im a piece of shit, I do drugs and a few days ago when I was coming down from speed I was crying and had a panicked attack I promised myself never to do any speed or anything like that again yesterday I did dmt for the first time and it made me really relax even today, it made me realize the things I get anxious and depressed about : money, career, general fear of failure are all nothing to worry about at all because in the end non of it matters at all.
I've always been a shit boyfriend and I feel sorry for my girlfriend I am constantly letting her down have cut bridges with her friends and family permanently I have also cut contact with alot of my family too, I feel sorry for her I want her to leave me for someone better but she won't leave, I love her so much but I definitely have social anxiety too,
My boss can be a cunt and even after proving myself many times he treats me with less trust than the other employees even though I show in trying hard
Will this make me happy?
Go to a twelve step programme to quit being a sex and drug addict?
Stop worrying about money so much and just relax?
Hand in my notice even if I find a job that's harder or paying less?
Excercised more?
I need to do something because im unhappy, I wonder if I'll ever be happy, I think I need to die soon im so down and feel like in such a prick I just want to die so much sometimes, how did I get like this? Why am I like this?
Growing up in realising that I keep getting more and more miserable if im like this at 20 what will I be like at 25? Or even 30?
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self.depression
|
Relating your behavior to song lyrics & artists I just made the connection that my behavior (BP1) is related to a lot of lyrics to songs of Ke$ha and Demi Lovato lately.
Holy cannoli batman. I didn't think of this until today around 7:30 am my time.
These 2 women also suffer with mental health issues and have also dealt with eating disorders and admitted their problems to the public.
Connections are weird, but I'm glad I have a concept I can grasp now when trying to explain the situation better to loved ones since most think I'm speaking Alien language regarding my issues if I confide in them.
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self.bipolar
|
Dealing with anxiety in a call Center I've always had trouble with anxiety around angry people. So of course, like an idiot, I got a job in a call center. For the most part people are pretty nice however, when I do come across the occasional angry person who just wants to scream and throw obscenities everywhere, it can actually end up ruining the next couple days. I'm not sure why it's like this but I wanted to reach out and post on here and see if anyone else has experienced anything similar to this, and if anyone has any suggestions. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
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self.Anxiety
|
I absolutely hate growing up. When I started high school I always felt this terrible overwhelming nostalgic feeling like I knew already that I would miss everything in front of me and my youth. That growing up would mean I would lose my naïveté and that things would be less enjoyable, less lovable, less passionate and more like “forced connections.” The worst part is that I’m in college and this feeling always rolls back around and makes me so sad that I want to hide under my bedsheets and cry and it hinders me from studying which makes my grades slip and only puts me in a stress hole. At the moment of writing this I’m supposed to be studying to try to pass my final tomorrow and I can’t even focus because I’m looking at the beautifully sunlit outdoors and I feel myself missing everything from high school and being young.
TL:DR
Nostalgia is crippling sometimes.
EDIT:
I wrote this because I really needed to vent but seeing how some of you really nice people have gone through the same thing, or even just sympathized, really straighten my mindset and gives me a warm feeling. Kinda like I knew I wasn’t the only one who felt this way but I still felt alone about it and now I don’t feel that alone about my nostalgia. I just wanna thank whoever posted and shared their stories/experiences.
TL:DR
Thank you a lot mates
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self.depression
|
Thanks, Mania Thank you for word vomiting all over an interview and ruining my chances for a job I really wanted. You never cease to amaze me with how quickly you can ruin something. Ugh.
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self.bipolar
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Spending New Years Eve alone because I don’t want to bring anyone else down [deleted]
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self.depression
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What do I do if my insurance doesn’t cover mental health care? I was diagnosed at the beginning of the month with Bipolar 2, GAD, and MDD with psychosis. I started on Lamotrigine and Gabapentin.
I started a new job this week and just found out that the only plan that covers any type of mental health care is the highest deductible plan. The deductible has to be met before anything will be covered. I can barely afford the most basic plan; there’s no way I could do the higher plan.
What do I do? I have 2 refills on the gabapentin, and I believe a refill or two on the highest dose of lamotrigine. Will a general care provider provide scripts when I need them or do I have to see a mental health professional?
This position is contract to hire with a four month timeframe. So, I should only have to last four months on this insurance plan before I switch to the actual company’s plan.
Any help would be extremely appreciated.
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self.bipolar
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I feel lonely, thoughts of suicide looming getting stronger every day I moved to take care of my mother after college. She could barely pick things up and get out of bed. I was able to get work in IT from home traveling only a couple a times a year. It's been 5 years. I am 27 and depressed. I haven't learn to drive, I don't have family or friends to teach me. I don't get paid very much and not able to save a lot because of a series of emergencies. I use to be active and I gained weight now. My face & teeth messed up being born prematurely with a cleft pallet.
I feel lonely every night. Lost interest in movies and games. I just want someone to hang out with me. My brother moved away after a big fight with my mother, I use to love playing video games, walking downtown, and watching movies.
Thinking about putting a craigslist ad. Who wants to hang out with a socially awkward ugly broke guy who can't drive? Is there any service like this that is cheap?
Thinking about suicide more often. It's getting hard to fight the pain of loneliness, I am not very strong anymore. Thinking about how I would do it. Hang myself with an extension cord? Drown myself in bath tub? Throw myself off 3 story apartment building? Guzzle down a thing of bleach?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm never going to achieve my dreams so what's the fucking point I want to become an illustrator for game art, comics, etc and it's never going to happen. I've been drawing for 10 years and can't draw for shit. I can't even slightly draw. Everything I draw looks like absolute garbage and I literally punch myself because I'm so angry at myself for being so bad. I'm never going to achieve my dreams and I'm never going to be happy with my life and I have to watch more and more young fucking people achieve my dreams while I have to remember I never will and I hate myself so much holy fucking shit.
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self.depression
|
i basically have no friends, and it's starting to get to me... in actuality, i have about three friends, but:
friend #1: moved to california, and is always busy (i live in florida).
friend #2: is a very to himself kind of person, so he rarely talks to me.
friend #3 (my best friend): is in a relationship now, and we just don't connect anymore. this is a huge bummer 'cause we've been friends for 16 years now... growing apart freaking sucks.
i'm lonely, and not having friends who want to talk to me is making my depression worse. :/
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self.depression
|
Feel like I'm ready to get help, but how I've known for a long time that something isn't right. But now I feel ready to do something about it. I don't know what, and I don't know how, and I don't know why now and not before.
I don't like not knowing things. I'm a planner, and one way I can feel in control is to plan everything. The one thing I can't plan for is how I feel, and I hate not having any control. I never know what is going to bring me down. I can be having a seemingly great day, and I will get nagging thoughts telling me it won't last, that something is going to ruin it. I can't seem to shake that feeling and I end up right back where is started.
I've tried getting help in the past. I've been on medication twice, but stopped because I felt it made me feel nothing, when I really just want to feel normal. I've seen therapists, but the waiting list is so long it will be months to see one and I can't afford to go private.
So what can I do? I want help, and I want to feel normal. I want control of myself back, though I can't remember when I last felt fully in control of my head. I feel alone in this, thought I can tell myself logically there are people around me.
Or maybe I could just accept this is how I am, that this is my "normal". It's a sucky normal to be though.
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self.depression
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DAE feel like their friends don't actually like them? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I just don't know where I went wrong. Everything should be fine, but it just isn't. The two REAL friends I had are drifting from me. Every college I have applied to has denied me. I went from starting on the best team at my revered soccer team to sitting on the bench for the second team, and I don't know where it all went wrong. The one thing that I could be proud of, soccer, was ripped from me. It was always the stand in for the lack of friends I had and it saved my life a number of times. Now I just feel like a waste of space. It was the one thing where I could say "Yea I'm pretty damn good at that," With my "friend" group full of kids going to Duke, and Vandy, and Boston College it was nice to have something, athleticism, or most of them. Now I'm just the weakest link and they only stick around because the most influential kid in the group has always stuck his neck out for me and convinced them I worth being around. Soccer saved my life in middle school. Chase saved my life in high school. Now I'm just the typical spoiled white suburban kid with no skills and nothing to be proud of. I have never felt like such a worthless waste of space. I just want to know why people don't like me. I have so many regrets and I just wish I could fix it all, but it's all gone. everytime things start to go right I find a way to fuck it all up and I legitimately don't even know how it happens. everything I touch explodes.
I'm sorry. I know this sounds like a little bitch being a little bitch; I just don't have anywhere else to go. I've never felt so lost within my own thoughts.
thank you.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Weaning off antidepressants - any success stories? Hello everybody, this is my first post here on reddit after lurking on the site for quite a while.
I'm a 26 yo woman and have been struggling with anxiety and depression since I was 19, after a (fairly mild?) panic attack that felt to me like a stroke. Needless to say I thought I'd die!
I was started on Citalopram the first year and a half, and then switched to Fluoxetine. I have been on it since then, except for some months.
Well, I found out last year during my third relapse that, hey, antidepressants apparently aren't as non-addictive as my former psychiatrist always told me!
So... looking at some of the symptoms of withdrawal, I suspect that the three times I "relapsed" might have been withdrawal.
In about a year, I would like to slowly lower my dose (I'm actually only at 20mg) to see what happens & see if I can maybe just take a lower dose for a longer period of time. Before, I tapered off the fluoxetine in about 1 month (following my doc's instructions) which might have been too fast...? Anyway, I will definitely talk with my psychiatrist about this cause boy, did I learn my lesson the first time I tried to lower the dose and went off Citalopram on my own.
To my question:
Has anyone here who has experienced side effects (withdrawal) successfully tapered/weaned off antidepressants, even if it took them 1+ years to do so (& is fine now without the drugs)? Where your GPs or psychiatrist aware of the withdrawal symptoms, and did they explain to you something interesting that is important to know?
I would really like to hear some success stories :)
THANKS A BUNCH to whoever decides to answer, and good luck to each and every one of you.
(ps: in case anybody asks - I am currently also working with a therapist)
(pps: English is not my native language... please correct any of my mistakes, I'm always happy to learn&improve!)
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self.depression
|
I have a lot of existential Anxiety, and when I'm not busy doing something every minute, I get worse. How can I break this cycle?
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self.Anxiety
|
Anyone taken Prozac (Fluoxetine) for anxiety? My doctor prescribed me 10mg Prozac today for anxiety. I don't have any depression, just anxiety. I'm nervous to take it due to effects I've heard about. I also don't want to lose what little sex drive I have left! Anyone have experience?.
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self.Anxiety
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Phone vibration makes me extremely anxious Whenever I hear a phone ring with that silenced vibrating sound I feel filled with panic why?
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self.Anxiety
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Mood I was feeling okay half an hour ago but now I'm back to being empty and sad.
Also, I was really really angry yesterday. I was sobbing and punching the wall, but 10 minutes later I was the calmest I've been in the whole week.
What the fuck?
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self.depression
|
Why am I like this? 2017 has been my year, amazing grades, my license, a car, a new place to live. Steady and stable job. Loving friends and family. My mental health has been off the rails this whole year. I don't really know how to deal with this. I'll stay alive, I'll get through life, finish college on full scholarship. But I don't think I'll be happy. It's sad, I don't even want to drink. I just want to sleep.
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self.depression
|
I have extreme fear of other people Hello everyone, a little info about me, I'm 26 years old guy, to keep things short, depression runs in my family from both sides, and I've been abused severely by my father pretty much my whole life. I grew up to be in constant state of paranoia of other people judging me, never thought for myself, in fact I hate to make any decision ! My decision has to come from other people otherwise if I thought of something then I don't consider it to be "real" if that makes sense. So pretty much I spent my entire life dealing with depression and anxiety.
Fast forward to today, I'm in engineering school, I will graduate next semester, I did improve over the years and my depression and anxiety aren't that severe anymore, that's because I was able to find some things to minimize by symptoms. A very effective method yet VERY dangerous is to rely on some friends to keep me mentally sane. The close friends that I have know about my problems and they are very supportive, as long as I'm with them or at least have them in my life I feel like everything is fine, it's like always having a shield to protect me from losing it. The reason was this method is dangerous, is because if God forbid one of those friends decided to turn against me, I will be DESTROYED, and it will take me months to get over it.
Sadly this is what's happening with me now, a close friend of mine in school, is a friend whom I've been together with in all of my classes and we have been basically studying together and hanging out for 4 years, we have never had any arguments or issues, I got very attached to him and he was attached too.
Out of no where, this semester he started acting strange with me, I will say this, because I know how much I need him, I have never even attempted to piss him off in any way. However, suddenly he started treating me like I'm his worst enemy, what makes things worse is that we are on the same project for senior design, we both even requested to work together as we have been a great match.
This whole semester all of my depression and anxiety came back at full force, he keeps spreading lies about me behind my back and trying to separate my friends from me to isolate me. Keep in mind that he knows all my weaknesses, and he knows how much I'm suffering right now, so he's enjoying tormenting me at this point.
The conclusion I came to is that suddenly he's acting very jealous of me (based on his actions and behavior) and he's trying to make me feel classes or fail at finding a job, he's mentally wearing me out and it's working because like I mentioned this guy knows all my weak spots and is trying so hard to break me.
I've been under extreme stress this whole semester, I stopped applying for jobs and I'm failing 2 classes,I simply cannot even study or operate right now. All that goes through my mind are thoughts about him and what he's gonna do next. I know this may sound very silly, but all his behavior towards me brings me flashbacks to all the shit I was going through in my childhood, whether it's the abuse from my father or the bullying at school, I feel extremely weak at this point and have almost no self esteem. And I don't know what to do. I tried to challenge him and stand up for myself, but I know I can't win an argument with him, he lies and denies everything. We're almost done with this semester and I should be happy to get a break, but I have no happiness in me anymore. I just literally go home and stay in my room because I have no energy left to enjoy anything.
Any advice or feedback would be appreciated, I would also love to hear your story if you have gone through anything similar.
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self.Anxiety
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I've finally been able to push myself for it [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My Dad committed suicide 15 years ago this Christmas. Sorry for errors I’m using mobile.
This Christmas will make it 15 years since my Dad committed suicide. I was 11 at the time and I can’t recover from this. Every year in December I feel like I relive a morbid count down to Christmas Day, and I can’t stop thinking about him from the end of October until sometime in January. Then the morbid countdown starts all over again as it gets towards the end of the year. I just miss my Dad. I tried a lot of therapy, anti-depressants, counsellors over the years and I can’t get rid of this sadness. It’s getting harder now that I have a partner and we have to visit my family and his on Christmas. It’s exhausting being around happy people, and I don’t want to tell anyone else and ruin their Christmas.
I tried being normal and put up a Christmas tree in my new home and I hate my tree, all I see is ugly plastic. I’m not mad at my Dad, I just miss him. My cousin and grandfather committed suicide as well at other times over the years and I miss them too.
I just miss my family and it’s exhausting being around happy people every Christmas. It feels like I’m not allowed to mourn on Christmas.
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self.offmychest
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Where do I start? I am at a loss. Over the course of a couple of years I have alienated my wife to the point that she just told me that we "aren't in a marriage", which is fair since she's been living somewhere else for months. A huge part of it is my negativity, my being ok with wallowing and being depressed for way too long about things that happened in the past. Someday I might be able to get her back, but I have to get out of this depressive spiral.
I work out a few times a week, I eat relatively well, I sleep as well as can be expected (little ever). I know I need to go and talk to someone but haven't found the energy to do it, even though that's the main thing that can get me back on track to getting back the woman that I love.
I don't know how to start. I don't know how to find a shrink I trust. I am terrified that they will recommend some drug that will make me a zombie like the last one did. I don't know how to change my worldview back to what it was years ago.
I just don't know, and not knowing makes things worse.
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self.depression
|
Maybe I made a mistake, but I'm still happy So I left my previous dead end job of nine years back in June. I literally hated getting up every day and felt so blah. I finally left it to go to a start up in an industry that is big and getting bigger. The thing is, its commission based and the competition is fierce. It has been tough. Made some decent connections and sales but my savings keeps dwindling since I took a pay cut.....I see a tiny momentum going and I see the seeds coming to light but fuuuuuuuck it sucks not making what I used to, but I love what I do, I get to take my daughter to school, which before I couldn't because I left so early in the morning and it's completely not corporate like my old job ....🤔🤔🤔 what to do
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self.offmychest
|
[NAW] Too Much Stress I love my mother, but she stresses me out beyond anything else and it affects other aspects of my life. I've had to quit college twice. The first time because contributing 75% of my part time paycheck wasn't enough, and I had to work more or risk being homeless. My mother and I lived with her friend at the time. There were 3 working adults. Between my mom's friend and her friend's boyfriend they made more than enough to cover all of the bills, but they would not pay the bills and spend hundreds of dollars every month on trivial things. Then when the bills came it was my fault for not working more. I brushed it off for a while until I was threatened to be kicked out and my mother backed them up. So I quit college and started working full time. About a year later I went back to college. I didn't even get through the first semester back before I had to quit again. This time my mother, and I were living in an apartment just the two of us. She called me one day to pick her up at a gas station because she had quit her job without a plan. We had split the bills up to that point when suddenly every bill became my responsibility, and I again had to quit college and work full time again. I attempted to decrease the bills by removing or altering anything I could. One of the first things I looked at changing was the cable. I talked to my mom and explained that I wanted to change the cable service to make it cheaper or possibly stop the cable service until I had a better handle on the finances. She became furious and accused me of trying to punish her for quitting her job. I didn't know what else to do so I worked more. For a while I was working 70+ hours a week. It was rough, but I honestly preferred working to being home and dealing with my mom. When she would finally get money from working an odd job or helping someone, she would spend it frivolously buying top brand food items and clothes and toys for her friend's kid. I wanted desperately to say something, but I knew it wouldn't get me anywhere. This was when I started realizing the amount of stress I was accumulating. It grew exponentially from that time. My mom later found out she had a warrant from old traffic fines which she said prevented her from getting a job. We ended up having to move out of the apartment because I was just financially incapable of keeping up with everything. The two bills my mother was supposed to pay never got paid because of her irresponsibly frivolous spending and each ended up three months behind by the time we moved out. When she did get a decent amount of money that could have taken care of her warrant and still had some left over, she spent every bit of it on food. Expensive food there were plenty of generic versions of that were half the price. I attempted to make a suggestion on how she could take care of the warrant which again was met with a furious response and got me nowhere. Things are getting a bit better now. I have been in a balanced financial situation for about a year. My mom has mellowed out and is starting a temporary job. I am still stressed. I think a combination of the stress I've retained over the last 3 years combined with new stress is eating me away. even though things are a bit better, I still do not like the situation I am in. I feel that I'm expected to drop everything to deal with everyone else's problems and responsibilities just because I'm a little more stable than everyone else. I also get frustrated with myself because I get annoyed and stressed even from a reasonable request. I would really like to get away from everything for a few months or a year, but it's not feasible to do. I hope that ranting this out here will help alleviate some of the stress. I keep working towards a better tomorrow but sometimes it seems so far away.
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self.offmychest
|
I Let everybody lie to me just so i could fuck them all off i knew i had some form of down-syndrome / fas but i kept quiet and seen how many people would deny it if i asked them it fucking hurts man
i know im fucked up i know im stupid but why the fuck would they lie to me
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self.offmychest
|
What's wrong with death being a "permanent solution"? All the problems are gone forever. Bad things always overbear the good ones. Why should I deal with one problem after another, when I can just end it definitely? I don't have anything to prove to anyone, I don't give a fuck if it makes me strong or all that "I matter" yadda yadda. I am loved by my family and friends, but what of it, they cannot make my problems go away.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I feel like an old man with 22 Ironic isn't it? I am not even shure if I count as depressed.
This should be the best time of my life, but it certainly is the worst I guess.
I don't inherently want to die, or comit suicide.
I don't have a massive pile of self hating.
I just feel empty. Burned. Used.
Everything that made me happy just feels like coping.
Running away and hide my eyes like a little child, from the suffering life is.
I just feel like the veil of coping was took away from me.
Life seems so pointless. Like an audience hearing the opening of a joke, but the actual gag never drops.
The fact, that this is all. THIS is life, and I am considered to continue for no good reason.
I just have oje wish.
I just want the veil back.
I want to feel happy about the small things.
I don't want to work 9-5 and pretend on a few days a year I am "happy" or "free" or "in control of my life".
I don't want to get older, and continue this suffering. Like I said, I don't think I am inherently suicidal, just I don't care if a lightning would strike me right now.
Do you remember that feeling in your tummy, when you bought yourself something you really wanted? Or get a gift from a person you love? That sweet little warm feeling?
My only feeling switch between anger for no good reason, sadness for no good reason and numbness (maybe my body realized that no feeling is better than anger and sadness 24/7).
I don't know why I write this.
There is nothing you could tell me to get better.
My problem is not a bad moment that happened a few weeks/months ago.
My problem is life and some unchangeable parts woven deep in it.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
(15F) Am I depressed? I can't tell Some background:
I'm 15 years old and when I started my new school 4 years ago at 11 I began to become really anxious and depressed, but was never diagnosed. I'm much better than how I used to be but I'm confused as to whether I'm normal or not.
Symptoms:
1.I don't feel "connected" to anybody, no matter how open with my emotions I am. I just feel disconnected and indifferent to everyone, even people who I tell them I live and they love me a lot.
2.i never feel "in the moment". I haven't been absorbed in a movie in years, or a TV show, and I haven't had a social interaction in a long time where I wasn't calculating my responses.
3. I think I feel empty inside but I don't know.
4. I have a hard time sleeping, either sleeping far too much or not being able to get to sleep and stay asleep.
5. I don't take much pleasure in anything, but sometimes I do which leaves me confused. My boyfriend can make me so giddy that I'm laughing hysterically, but besides that I don't think I enjoy much in life.
6. I've been thinking about dying a lot, thinking about how I don't want my life to be like this. I'm too much of a pussy to ever kill myself, so I'm not suicidal, but I keep thinking about how futile it is being alive, how I'll never feel good and content, and how I should maybe just go die somehow.
7.i feel like I don't know who I am, or what I like. Like I have no identity.
8.i have a hard time focusing on anything for longer than a few minutes.
9.people really exhaust me, or just leaving the house in general.
10.i get irritable a lot.
11. I criticise myself a lot.
Im so terrified that I'm completely fine, because then this is just what life is. I've taken steps to improve my wellbeing in an attempt to improve my mental health but I'm still like this. Things are way better than they were before, when I was crying every day and desperate to die, and they got better without any help from anybody. It's been years since it's been that bad, but I think I've been in a mute depression this whole time. What do you think? No one believes me because I can seem so normal and happy, but I'm empty and calculating inside. I used to be so outgoing and I loved being with people, I could feel close to people and I was interested in things. But that was when I was ~11, so maybe that isn't a good example of what my "true" character is?
Please put in your input, I'm thankful for any i get.
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self.depression
|
The things I can’t say to my family at Thanksgiving.
I hate this global culture we live in. It’s so boring. People are just homogeneous. The internet was a mistake. Anything profound is reduced to a brief post to be read and forgotten. Think of how many huge tragedies happen. Does anyone really think about Sandy Hook anymore? The Oklahoma City bombings? People have had their lives threatened over a video game in the past weeks. Are people’s lives so pointless and cheap now that there are billons of us? Inspirational quotes are put on pillows and sold. Inspiration is now a commodity. Motivation is a commodity.
I hate that people have to act one way, but feel another. I hate people, really. I hate that there are millions that have no one and this culture we all live in encourages mockery or pity of people. I found an woman on Facebook the other day. She objectively had nothing interesting about her life, so no one cared what she had to say. Does anyone ask how she’s doing? Or what was something beautiful she saw lately? I wanted to find her, fly her somewhere forgotten, and make her understand all the beautiful things I see. Understand that there is so many wonderful things to never understand. Does anyone feel anymore?
I hate my life. I hate your life. My life of mistakes and regret and uncertainty and mistakes MISTAKES MISTAKES MISTAKES I JUST WANT TO DIE I WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING I WANT SOMEONE TO CARE
I just want to look in a woman’s eyes and see that there’s a mutual love and respect and that I’ve made someone happy. I want someone to feel content and safe. I’ll give my whole life to make someone feel special in this disgusting darkness
What are we doing? Has anyone been hungry in here? How many people died knowing nothing but hunger?
I want to go away from here. I want to go somewhere where no one can find me and I can relax and focus on the swaying of a tree or the movement of a cloud and just slip into nothingness
I hate all of you I hate all of you I HATE AND I DON’T WANT TO
|
self.offmychest
|
Does a suicidal person, try to reasure themself that they are not suicidal? Do they fear that It can finish fatally? I am suffering from suicidal thoughts and impulses, but can't tell if they are real and if i really want it? Is this active SI/Sucidality?
So I was sitting on my laptop editing a video, relatively fine, the thoughts and feeling like a little in background. But felt less real. Suddenly a thought like 'I want to do it' entered my head and I had like a panic attack not sure what it was actually. And an urge to do it. I tried to calm my self but it got more and more intense I couldn't stand still, it felt like i wanted to do it. Fuuuuck. Now I am calmer but I have a confusion if i am suicidal or not. fuck. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? WAS THIS SUICIDALITY/SI? I SAID 'I DON'T WANT TO DO IT' BUT THEN I FELT LIKE AN URGE IN THE STOMACH LIKE I WANT IT. AND I TRIED LIKE IMAGINING A POSITIVE FUTURE BUT IT CAME OUT NEGATIVELY AND LIKE NOTHING MATTERS FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK And like general trapped feeling WTF?!?! EDIT: An hour later i feel relatively fine again. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS?!?!
Like everything you see is too much.
Like reality is too much.
Like you need to escape, but there is no place to.
Feeling trapped. In life?!?!?! THESE FOUR ARE THE MOST TERRIFYING. AND ALSO A FEELING THAT I DON'T WANT TO GET BETTER?! And many other weird feelings.
This is a review of what is happening in my head:
this happens in these intense moments: This is what happens: life feels meaningless with a weird image stuck in the back of my head feeling, like future idk, feeling of unrasiness, unsettled feeling, negative scenarious, I try to calm myself with a positive thoughts, I succeed for like a second, then it feels like the negative thoughts, reinforce themselfs and become more and more intense, then I am like 'If i feel like i will do something i will go to the hospital, chill., then like 'it doesn't matter you feel trapped' and it becomes even more intense and more intense uneasiness feeling, i close my eyes laying in my bed, almost starting to feel normal for a couple of seconds, then i open my eyes and everything in my head is intense again, i try again to counter them, it becomes even more intense.
What this looks like?!
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
DNA testing and questioning my diagnosis. I did the 23andme depression/bipolar study and got my results back yesterday. I discovered that I ought to be lactose intolerant(I'm not), that I have more Neanderthal DNA than 97% of 23andme users, my alzheimer's risk is slightly elevated(no surprise), I am not a carrier for the genetic diseases they test for, and that my ancestry is even more boring than I thought. I was somewhat underwhelmed by the results.
Someone had posted about Promethaese and codegen.eu as offering more detailed analysis of your 23andme data. I hadn't planned on using either of them, as I'd read about their flaws(basically they just search for all studies related to a gene, without looking at replication), but I uploaded my DNA to codegen on a whim, hoping to see some genes for bipolar. It ended up telling me that I have a below average risk for bipolar, unipolar, and schizophrenia(I'm diagnosed with bipolar, and all three run in my family), as well as high risks for all sorts of things that no one in my family has. This has sent me into a whole new round of questioning my diagnosis, even though I am aware of the many flaws of the "pubmed every gene variant that you have" method of DNA analysis, as well as the fact that they haven't really found a "bipolar gene" yet. I'm really regretting having used codegen - it's given me all sorts of new things to be paranoid about in addition to making me doubt my diagnosis.
|
self.bipolar
|
Depressed, but do not want to talk to guidance counselor H
|
self.depression
|
I need help My depression and anxiety have creeped up on me tonight and I feel like a walking pile of shit set on fire. Does anyone have any tips that will make me feel less... sad
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self.Anxiety
|
I’m pathetic I’ve been a misanthrope all my life but it started with hope and now as everyday goes by, I lose every ounce of myself. I have been through a lot in my life so far, I lost my Dad who was my best friend only two months ago. He had a brain tumour operation which wasn’t successful in 2015 and he was brain dead pretty much until Oct 2017 when he passed away from heart failure. He had been in hospital for a long time and since the end of 2015, I’ve lost who I am as a person. I not only have and went through panic disorder, anxiety (GAD) , severe depression and insomnia but also complete withdrawal. Anorexia was a hard one too, which i am still recovering from. I don’t have friends (as a rule that I live by), because I don’t trust human beings since I’ve been fucked over by so many of them in my life and the state of the world is a joke. I don’t have anyone to turn to and every day, I think I’m done. I am a postgrad student but I’m lifeless as a person. I’ve lost passion for all the things I used to do, and the me I was is dead. She died the day my Dad fell ill, and the world I knew doesn’t only no longer exist, but seems to never have existed in the first place. All the lies and the frustration makes me want to give up. This is pathetic and sad but, when I am not at university, I just eat and pretend like I’m going to go out when I never do. Sometimes I’ll sit at a cafe and look like I have a lot going on, but the reality is I have nothing. I’m lucky to be able to have academic prospects but I’m only human and there needs to be a balance which in my life, there isn’t. I don’t care anymore and I’ve made an enemy of everyone I used to know. I look at people like disgusting aliens who I can’t relate to and whenever I’m out, I HAVE to be back at home.
I haven’t had a productive day in years, and it seems like I’ll never shake this feeling and my thoughts about the world. I really mean this : I HATE life, my life specifically. Nothing makes me happy like it used to. What amazes me are those people who can get a thrill out of a TV show, or a walk in the park or people with tons of plans and friends, or anyone who says “I’m busy”. I’m not jealous but then again, yes I am.
Anyways, rant over
|
self.depression
|
Sickness and depression So, I’ve been manic or mixed since before September. Now with this viral bronchitis crap, I’m crying a lot more and just want to sleep. Hello, depression. Even though, for me, depression is safer than mania, god I miss mania.
I want to know the stats with sickness and mood change.
|
self.bipolar
|
On thoughts They are my greatest friends and my worst enemies. They take me to extravagant worlds, enlighten me and make me laugh. They can be like my own personal gang of cheerleaders, boosting my self esteem, pulling me out of self hatred sometimes to the point of arrogance. Thoughts can show me the beauty of the world and make me smile. But most of the time they are like Cinderella's evil step sisters.
My thoughts tear me down, make me feel small and insignificant. Every time I achieve a moment of happiness there is always that little voice in my head that pops up to remind me, "You are worthless. You are pathetic". I end up feeling silly for being happy, for thinking something positive about myself. Once the afterglow of a good day fades the darkness returns again. I should think of it as a villain but that feeling has been with me for long that it feels like an old friend returning to tell me the truth, "How dumb were you to think that something good would happen. Did you really think people loved you? You should know better by now. Never forget the truth of this world, the one thing you know is true, YOU are a piece of shit."
And so I live on, I try to tell myself that these are just thoughts not truths, yet I always seem to lose the battle. The cheerleaders always seem to be beaten down by the evil step sisters. Even now they berate me for writing this. "Look at how pathetic you sound" I hear in my mind. "You've written a manifesto that the most angsty of teenagers would be proud of".
I'm in an abusive relationship with my own brain. I tell myself that I'm done with those thoughts, I'm finally leaving them behind but they always seem to pull me back in. In some way they are familiar, safe. They are what I know best. Like the most addictive of drugs I keep returning to them even though I know they are bad for me.
So as always I return to the ironic comfort of my depression.
|
self.offmychest
|
:) -> :l -> :( Im 21, I had a sister go through a horrible couple of years of depression. I always there for her and I was always trying to show confidence around her.
I live on my own now, and I live a 21 yr olds life. Regardless of me never being in a relationship, and other fk ups in my life I always put on a mask I guess.
Ive been feeling " sick " almost like a flu... Ive been feeling somewhat.. sucidal. I know I wont do anything drasric but it comes in waves. Im sitting at a restaurant with ny buddy as a waitor, just to get some sort of connection.
Im not going into my job for the second time in 2 days because looking at the grey walls I tear up legit and want to end it. I have dreams and Im working towards them but this desk job isnt for me. However my finacials are meh, I know when I do get myself out of bed tomorrow Ill probably be fired. I want to care but I dont... I joke with my friends like " haha ill just file for unemployment " which I guess maybe I will get or I wont...
Idk Im writing this just to put it out there, I dont open up like this and I want to see if I feel anything putting this out there.
Theres a lot more to this obvioisly, however .. Yeh nvm
|
self.depression
|
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