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How are SNRIs helpful for anxiety if they increase Norepinephrine? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Nothing is okay. I am not okay. Where do I begin? When did it start? I don't even know anymore. I am only 31 years old, depression is starting to ruin me. I have multiple sclerosis. It was all well and good and only a minor pain in the ass. Then I got laid off from work the day before Thanksgiving. No more physical therapy.No more meds. Can't afford the doctors because I don't have insurance now. One of the things that was working for me was smoking marijuana. I stop smoking for a over a month while I job hunt. I finally find a great opportunity but they do hair drug testing that goes back 3 months. It's the only call back from an application I have gotten. I am losing bladder and bowel control again. People say that others have it worse and I understand that but right now I don't care if other people have it worse. I have some family helping me out financially but now I just feel like a complete burden on everyone. Everything was going so well. I have a long distance boyfriend who has just disappeared off the face of the earth so I guess I should so I had instead of have. I can't sleep at night any more. I'm slowly running out of meds. I put on the smile, I pretend everything is okay. I laugh and joke. I ended up speaking with someone last night and sharing my story of MS and I mentioned I use humor to deal with things and he said, it's great to know you'll never be sad and you have such a positive outlook. My only thought when he said that, the people who laugh and share the most smiles is usually the saddest. It used to be I was sad for no reason. Now I have a lot of reasons to be sad. I was trying techniques like thinking of three positive things a day that you are thankful for and stuff like that. I know it is the ultimate selfish act to kill myself. It would devastate my family. I know all the cliche reasons. I just can't get it out of my head. The call of the void. Just not wanting to do this anymore. I'm afraid of going through a hotline and winding up in the looney bin. The physical and mental pain is increasing with each passing day. I am tired. I am tired of it all. I'm tired of using a walker and wheelchair. I'm tired of endlessly washing sheets because of accidents, I can't afford adult diapers. I'm embarrassed to live every day life. I am tired of smiling and saying everything is okay. It's not okay. It is very not okay. Nothing is okay. I am not okay.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm tired of picking myself up all the time I feel like I just damage myself all the time.
Because I know it's not good for me.
Because I know it will hurt in the long run.
Yet I still place myself in the line of fire thinking that maybe this time... this time it will be different.
But it never is and it burns so damn much each time.
What surprises me is that I manage to get up every time.
I brush myself off each time and keep walking.
My head still manages to look up each time after the damage.
But I am so tired now. I feel like I have so few more times left before I can't get back up anymore.
I feel weaker each time and it scares me so much
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self.offmychest
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sitting here crying through tears looking out the window i dont take anti depression meds and i have the phone in my hand ready to call my doc but i just sit here and dont do it. its like i know this episode will pass, so why bother, but it always happens again and im in the same boat.
i want to stop this depressive cycle. ive done meds off and on in the past and it feels like i need to give them a shot again. i just need to be productive and not stare out the window daydreaming of all the things i want to be doing at this very moment.
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self.depression
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I have a long list of things that, if they occur, will give me the permission I need to finally kill myself. I find it exciting. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Am I the only one that music is the only tho g that makes you happy and get you through the day? [deleted]
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self.depression
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I can't cope with farewells. Every time I post here, I tell myself that I shouldn't because there are so many other people who have much worse worries than I do, but I post anyways because besides crying, writing sometimes helps me control my emotions.
Anyhoot, here's the story. I moved to Melbourne on a working holiday to get away from all the drama and expectations from friends and family that I can't meet back home. In the house I moved into, my roommate, my first ever roommate (I commuted to school back in Uni) became a crush which I had a hard time getting over and accepting that we could never be together. We're still pretty good friends and he's been my anchor for my first 4 months here.
He's moving out in less then a week. AND I'M LOSING MY FUCKING MIND.
It's not just because I was in love with him. It's not just because he was "special" as he was my first roommate. Just thinking about the fact that I will never be able to see this guy ever again in my life just stabs me right in the heart.
I tried to talk some sense into myself. I've tried to remember the times I've said goodbye, became heartbroken, and yet found a way to meet those people again and feel better. I couldn't.
That's when it hit me. I've never been able to handle farewells well. I would cry my eyes out for days after moving and changing schools. I remember feeling really lonely after finishing my military service and waking up alone in my room instead of the barracks full of my comrades. Recently I got totally wasted after getting drunk and crying because a housemate that I really liked moved back home. I couldn't think of a single farewell (other than family) where I didn't cry my eyes out and got super upset about for days or weeks on end.
My parents are coming to visit a week after my roommate moves out, but I don't think I'll be able to show them a good time, nor will I be able to show that I'm happy to see them.
Writing this, I just realized that this must be the reason some people tend to rely on alcohol or drugs to get over their problems. At the moment, I, too, really just want to find a way to escape from all this sadness and negativity.
I know I should make the best of the time I have left with this beautiful person, but it just hurts even being in the same room with him at the moment.
Long story short, here's my question:
How do you guys cope with farewells? How do you guys get over the sadness of "losing" someone from your life? (Honestly, to me, it feels like he's a terminally ill patient just about to die and leave my life for all eternity.)
p.s. I wouldn't mind someone to talk to about this matter...
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self.offmychest
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Fear of recovery. So, I can't be the only person that's ever thought of it this way.
When I bare in mind that I am going to die eventually it makes the idea of not wanting to die quite scary.
Knowing you're going to die one day is a really easy thing to cope with when it's exactly what you want but going through all the hard work to try to get my life in order and improve my mood only to end up not wanting to die seems scary.... And pointless....
That's not a question.... Erm... Any thoughts?
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self.depression
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Fuck Society I go the extra mile for people, whether it's family or friends. I help others knowing very well that I too need help, but I put others before myself because I'm a good person.(at least I hope so) But when I ask for help, everyone treats me like a stranger. You tell me to "man up", "be happy" or "you have issues".
It seems like you've forgotten that I'm battling depression and anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. I helped you, now I'm just worthless to you. I get the message.
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self.depression
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If Anyone Came Here To Help Save A Life, Or Can Help, Plz Give Me Feedback On My Situation. =[[[ I'm kind of in a serious situation. It really sucks. Your input might literally save my life, because I've considered ending it over this honestly it's bad. Hear me out. Okay so.
I've always been kind of an socially anxious tense nervous "brain damaged" kid. My mom never breastfed me, dad was never home working all the time, earliest experiences with others outside immediate family like other children bullied me, girls / first crushes and love like laughed at me and were super mean like giving back my gifts on valentines day or and laughing and screaming at me to get away and the whole class uproaring in laughter, pretending to like me or ask me out in front of their friends, adult teachers being incredibly mean to me making me cry often and embarrassing me, wow, so, I guess I got a little less tense and awkward and anxious around people as I grew up, but it was still kinda always there.
When I was a in a fish bowl of high school / college, I had friends. Everyone had commonalities - we were all either learning cool subjects and Majoring in similar things, going out to get wasted and do ridiculous hilarious fun things and chase girls, or in high school it was all about liking the same bands, having inside jokes about the same movies laughing about them together and quoting them, liking similar bands, video games, relationships, movies, similarities like that - like meeting people in your same classes from almost being forced to see them again and again and again, finding common interests, going out outside of school to just hang out and do whatever.. Then you'd work some minimum wage job, meet a few people that way, interact and joke with them or interact with them or whatever, same thing being "forced" to see them over and over and over again, so you naturally sort of become close and friends, often at places like the gym or at school, right? So then comes my next step in life after college: Get a career, right?
Well, because the social anxiety thing was always with me causing distress, I began to spend a lot of time in my 3rd / 4th year of college in my room. I'm a MASSIVE introvert. I'd still socialize and stuff but since it was ALWAYS painful and I was forced around others through school or work, I decided to try to end the pain by spending more time alone to get relief and pursue personal goals like music, reading, art, and making money online. My roommates would joke and say I wouldn't "come out of my cave" and stuff. I decided instead of doing some stressful job around the chaos of other people all day, which exhausts me, I'd build an internet company. Turns out it was a massive success. I made $100k my first year. Right out of college.
I bought my own apartment, then a house, all on my own, new areas. I was really scared to go out and be seen vulnerable in distress and stuff I rarely did. Just like to the market, and maybe the beach.
I'm not a virgin. I used to get drunk and had a lot of random sex. I can get the engine going if I needed to. Being alone all the time though and having a sex drive, I began to view pornography and masturbating. It became an addiction. I mean who doesn't want to view beautiful HD women doing stimulating things in the privacy and comfort of your own house? I kept putting going out and meeting people in the future "when I.... [insert excuse]" because it was so uncomfortable and stressful and not enjoyable for me.
Okay so fast forward. The damage has been done. Looking back I have been 4-5 years next to totally alone, I've seen no one but my parents occasionally, the internet business kinda tanked and I've been living back at my parents house I'm almost 30 years old.
I now suffer from intense depression. I guess as we age we begin to decline. My brain was always fragile. Now even more so. Mental health challenge. I became a workaholic trying to rescue the internet business (Think me in a room spending time on a computer allllllll day...... totally alone) anyways now I am suuuupppeeerrr exhausted and depressed most of the day. I am like weak and terrified to leave my front door. My looks, youth, and hairline are starting to go.
I'm now at the point where I see groups of more adult "normal" people my age like going out to amazing places, going on Friday night dates, I just can't take the isolation anymore. And I don't know how to get out of it. The obstacle is that:
1) I'm very sick, depressed and tired, most of the day. I'm weaker than most other people my age it feels like :(. I don't have as much stamina. I can't party like I did in college. I have to go to bed early. Who cares? I feel like an old man. So if I begin making friends / dating, how would I keep up with them, and wouldn't any woman my age just hop over to the next normal, socially functioning guy who with a job and friends and who can take her on all these amazing dates and have sex way longer pleasing her more than me and stuff? So I thought baby steps step one for me would be just making friendships and building social skills, networking, just starting going out of the house again, right?
2) I have NO IDEA where to go to meet people in the adult world, to make friends, especially being challenged like this so I can practice and build social skills. Sitting in a room alone all day typing on a screen and "making love" to pixels has made me somewhat weird, or at least conditioned to be different from most everyone else, I'm sure. So, back to the point, where does any adult go, who missed a career, to meet people and make friends and build his social skills? Like I said I am pretty sick with depression, I can hardly have the physical energy or stamina to do much so I don't think working a job all day around people is feasible, plus, aren't people miserable at their jobs anyways? My parents said I can die in this house and inherit it. I have a car. But where do I go? I feel so weird at this point, isolated, cut off, disconnected, I don't fit in anywhere. I've literally thought about suicide. I don't know why anyone would want to be my friend, especially as I get uglier, older, and weaker, more tired, less fun right? I mean, in the adult world, other than immediate family and work, do people even have friends? I literally don't know anymore what to do, or how to fix myself and fit in again and find love and community. I think I am just going to go walk around theme parks or something. Maybe start going to concerts and hope for the best? But these are events, how would that work for a consistent social network or circle and me being able to practice in a safe learning environment, where I'm not bullied and laughed at by other functioning incredible people? I feel like this Earth has left me nowhere to go.
I walk up to people limping and challenged super vulnerable and shy, it's super sad and probably I'm not an immediate pick to be a top choice friend or lover. If you read this far, your input could literally be saving my life, I mean if I approached you at a bar or something, would YOU want to invite me over to hang out or be my long-term lover? I'm so depressed / exhausted nervous and tense around others these days guys, seeing everyone out laughing and normal on a Saturday night is killing me guys, thank you so much for your feedback.
PEACE.
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self.depression
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I feel the loneliest when I'm surrounded by people [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I decided I'm going to try to kill myself next weekend. I've been thinking about it for a long time, and I've decided. I've tried before--three times, in fact, and despite being told each time that it gets better, things have only worsened. I'm weak, and a coward by nature, so there's no guarantee I'll be successful this time, but that doesn't change how I feel. I feel stuck. I can't move forward. I can't get out. I'm drowning in loneliness and suffocating under the pressure of adult life, and I can't handle it. I don't want to die? But I want the pain to stop. I've lived my entire life in crippling fear of the future, and I want to be in control of one damn thing for once.
I guess the reason I'm posting here is because despite all that, I still want comfort. There's not a single person I know who I can go to, and I don't want someone calling the police or getting in the way. I don't really want someone to talk me out of it. I just want someone to help ease the loneliness a little. I can't tell anyone else, so here I am.
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self.offmychest
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I get anxious and maybe jealous of how other people are doing in their lives I’ve been realizing as of late I’ve been comparing my life to others like crazy, and it’s driving me insane. Whether it’s about work, money, or relationships or sex life I just get so caught up in all of it and just so stressed out because I always think I’m not as successful as other people are, especially in those categories, and honestly I just don’t know how to deal with it and not think about life that way. Because I know I should only focus on myself but I continue to compare myself to society constantly anyways
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self.Anxiety
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I don't see the point... ...and I'm tired of hearing "it gets better". No, actually, for some it doesn't.
I'm in my 30s. I'm trying to finish up a degree I didn't complete before, but I'm just doing it so I don't have to work minimum wage anymore, not because I actually care.
I don't have any family except for my father, he's probably the only reason I'm still here.
I'm tired of just being "the friend" - I'm never anything more to anyone, just a friend.
My cats died this past July at 4 and 2 years old because they ate a poisoned mouse that got inside (thanks neighbor).
I have a whole host of physical health problems in addition to my depression, mainly because for a decade I lived in an extremely violent and sexually abusive situation with maternal "family" when I was younger, I really don't care to go into the details.
Basically I exist. That's it. I've been hearing some variation of "it gets better" for almost 10 years. My therapist knows better than to say it to me now.
Not even sure why I'm posting. I don't know what I want. I guess I'm just tired of the platitudes from people who only care insofar as I'm convenient for them, they don't actually give a damn.
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self.depression
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Suicide She tried to kill herself. My girlfriend. Idk what to do and I want to call an ambulance because she took a lot. Fuck. If I was awake I could’ve stopped her.
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self.depression
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How to find a reason to live while depressed? Today is the 2 year anniversary with my now ex-boyfriend I've known almost 3 years. He broke up with me because he doesn't love me as a girlfriend anymore, whereas I am painfully in love with him still.
Since about July my depression has got the better of me and I've been suicidal. What always kept me going was coming back to him. We could talk about anything. He gave me a reason to live and love for the first time ever after being abused as a child then raped.
Our relationship used to be so amazing and strong. It was hard being with me cause I slept and cried all the time. We stopped having sex and grew distant and he felt awkward being intimate. It felt like either lying or being cruel by rejecting me. Things were hurtful for both of us so he ended. We had a break less than a month but gave stuff another chance I didn't expect it to end on the eve of our anniversary. He just doesn't want to try anymore.
Anyway. I just want to die. I cut myself up this evening again. I've a headache from crying so much. I've felt so low the past few months and now I have nothing left. Someone tell me what the point is? Why should I live? Please? Seriously considering going into an inpatient unit because I can't cope with my meagre existence anymore. I don't talk to my family. I will be alone the entire holidays. I am sick of being like this and I have reached breaking point. Considering ODing.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm set to move into a third floor apartment soon... It has balcony and looks like the perfect place to hang a noose from. A segment of rope for is a lot cheaper than buying a gun so it looks like I found my new way out.
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self.depression
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I fucked up So I've been lying to my husband to avoid dealing with the truth of my financial fuck up for a couple years. Also about a health condition. Finally it came out. I confessed my sins. And I feel even worse than I did before I told him.
I have intense guilt, shame, and anxiety.
He's going to forgive me. We are going to work through it. We made a budgeting plan to fix it.
I can't forgive myself. I feel like I'm scum of the earth human. I don't want to do anything but lay in bed all day. I have two kids that need me to get the duck up but it's so hard and when I get up the pit in my stomach is unbearable. It's eating me alive.
When I hide in my bed it's ok.
I don't know what to do. There's no money for medication due to my fuck up. I don't know how to get up and move past this.
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self.Anxiety
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My boyfriend has low libido because of medicine...please help! I'm loving the fact that he feels so much better, but he's just not into sex. Like at all.
He started taking resperidone, along with gabapenten and quetiapine about a month ago. The only side affect that I can see is that he has no libido at all.
Like I said, I'm so happy that he's feeling better mentally, but it's making me feel unattractive. I know it's his medicine, but I suffer from issues myself, and I just can't help feeling this way (like my mind knows it, but heart won't accept it kind of thing).
I tried suggesting him to take horny goat weed (lots of reviews on Amazon with 4.5 stars), and his response was "Hell no!". So I went to Google to see what medicines didn't have the side effect of low libido.
They ALL do. At least from what I can see. Please tell me there's one that I haven't found. Or do I have to live without sex for the rest of our lives?
On that note...am I being selfish? I don't want him to stop taking his medicine because it helps him so much, but it makes me feel unattractive. I...I just don't know what to do. Please help.
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self.bipolar
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I’m meeting some members of my husbands extended family tomorrow and I am so nervous. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Just a quick rant before I try to sleep Man I wish there was something, anything I could look forward to. The things I used to do for fun are just a chore I go through to avoid the rest of my life. Everything has either become boring, tedious or torture. Also having to hide your shitty mood all the time makes everything 10 times worse. I know I can't keep hiding everything but I'm too afraid to drop an inch of my mask to anyone.
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self.depression
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What is this behavior called? I’m currently diagnosed with bipolar 2 with psychotic features. But I believe I may have something more like borderline personality disorder. I have a habit of being a liar, manipulative and I lack a sense of who I am. In a cognitive way, it looks like this:
Has a thought about how I feel destructive and wants to build a relationship with God and creates a spiritual foundation.. but later I will dismiss this by thinking I could possibly be initiated into masonry or some shit. And I’ll totally disregard what I say before.
Is it because I’m just super psychotic and don’t know what the hell I want? I’ve been indecisive my whole life (also a Pisces) but now it’s just horrible. I basically lied and manipulated through my whole relationship with my boyfriend. I feel horrible, how can I fix this?
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self.bipolar
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Failed attempt, scared about my future with LDR boyfriend [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Alone And Misunderstood I question my purpose daily. Will I ever find the "one" for me? This spiral of emotions I deal with on a daily basis has me emotionally numb if that makes any sense. It's noticable in day to day conversation. Praying for better days
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self.depression
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Why my psych only prescribed me cymbalta and zyprexa and no mood stabilizer? I still don't know much about bipolar but I've been reading a lot about mood stabilizers like Lamictal. My psychiatrist never even mentioned anything about mood stabilizers and frankly, after months of taking Cymbalta and Zyprexa I was still feeling down and abusing substances. So why no mood stabilizers? It sounds like something that could definitely help.
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self.bipolar
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Depression has turned me into something I'm not supposed to be [deleted]
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self.depression
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Post anxiety remedies So I’ve been way anxious as of recent. I have a pretty big certification test coming up and basically I know i’ll Probably have maybe another 4 or 5 anxiety attacks prior to the test as it’s a big deal to me. What I have yet to find is a rememdy for the post attack body aches and sleepiness that happen.
During my attacks my body tenses up and my mind goes into overdrive and once it’s over my body feels as if I’ve spent a good 3 hours at the gym and I’m mentally tired. Anyone have any advice as to how I can just bounce back?
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self.Anxiety
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It's my first time, and I need to get something off my chest Sorry. I don't know why I feel the need to apologise, but I just do, maybe because of how insecure I am, feeling like the kind redditors here are just wasting their time on me. This is my first post, and I feel vulnerable right now, so I pray you are kind with me.
Anyway, I'm currently a 21 year old, full-time university student in my final year and I was officially diagnosed with clinical depression and social anxiety around half a year ago. They told me to self-enroll into CBT therapy, and prescribed me Xanax.
I had a hunch I was depressed for a few years now, always isolating myself, cutting contact with friends because I didn't want them to suffer with my depression, and that I wasn't worth their time. I never told anyone, I never even let my family know. Inside, I just viewed it as the cost of being aware of how the world works. Half a year later, after just feeling more suicidal from the Xanax - self-harming and contemplating suicide - I quit the meds.
I just feel like I can’t go on like this, I put so much effort into making friends with others online, for them just leave or never respond whenever I’m feeling my worst, I’ve even tried putting myself out there IRL, forcing myself to meet people and socialise. I’m not ugly, people often say I’m attractive, charismatic and funny, but even so, I feel like none of them understand me, no one understands how hard it really is for me just to drag myself out of my room and just talk to someone. If that’s not bad enough, I have a narrow-minded family that are always fighting, oblivious of how depressed I really am, and a failing education I’m just gliding through without any serious ambitions or motivation, not even knowing what I want to do with my life.
I want to be a positive person, have a positive impact, love people and be loved, but, I don’t know how I can go on right now. I, just, don’t know anymore. I want to live, but I feel like I can’t go on living if it’s like this. I’m just so lonely and lost, scared that it'll always be this way.
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self.offmychest
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I just don't know how much longer I can go on Sometimes life just feels so draining. I'm just so sick and tired of thinking my life might actually get better, and then it not. Or even worse. I'm a 27 year old single man, and in the past whenever I expressed my problems with women people would always say "oh but you have tons of time". Now I feel like people think to themselves they I should already be married or getting married soon. Just getting a date isn't easy for me, I can go years asking women out and not get one. Done it for years, I know. And the rejection ratio of 200-1 is extremely disheartening, not to mention all the other shit associated with it, like how women see a guy getting rejected like that and assume they're a creep and aren't worth their time. So it's all a cyclical effect. Even if I knew for certain I could find someone if I kept approaching women in bars for a few years, I don't know if I'd have the willpower to take it all. The saddest part is that I don't even want to get married, I just realize that the longer I wait the harder it will be, and the more likely I'll be alone forever. I could live with being poor or not being able to walk, or being in debt, or discrimination, but I can't stand being alone. And I just don't know how much more loneliness I can take.
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self.depression
|
My family is becoming highly toxic and it's destroying me inside. My family has never been very healthy but now things are getting very bad. Grandmother and Aunt are basically asking me to work, find an internship and stay in school because my mother is completely financially irresponsible. I'm getting so burnt out from college and my mother's poor credit score is only making things worse. I HAVE to stay at my current school. It's the only one with my intended major within a reasonable distance from home.
I'm just tired of this all. I have Aspergers and feeling overloaded is what brings out the worst in me. I'm basically being asked to become a work slave while I still need to build my social skills and work on my classes. This is all too much for me......
For the first time in my life, suicide is becoming a desirable outcome. Don't tell me to talk to a therapist please. I have and it's only effective to a certain point. What I need is a case worker or adult mentor. Maybe even a father figure..... I've never really known my dad.
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self.depression
|
I should have taken him up on it. After I was raped, my dad offered to contact his old mob clients and get a hit carried out on the rapist. He could have, too. I declined the offer, because I didn't want my dad to go to jail. I regret declining the offer. I got him kicked out of school, but that's not nearly enough suffering. He made me want to die. I don't think I was his first rape, and I'm certainly not his last. Don't worry, I won't do anything. But I wish I had when I had the chance. I don't think his life is worth the dozens of lives he will ruin.
Please don't tell me to go to the police. For a number of reasons which I can't get into for privacy, it is impossible. It was really never possible.
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self.offmychest
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I’m exhausted.. So.. I don’t know where to begin but I will try to keep this as short as possible. Please bare with me as I have barely talked about my experience even to the mother of my child.. For aslong as I remember I was abused physically and mentally by my father, at a young age he would beat me without holding back as if I were a man, he’s ex military with combat training, he was big and and powerful. At a young age he would beat my mother and do crazy things, he’s tried to kill himself numerous times throughtout my life and only 4 years ago he succeeded, but the damage he has done to me has ruined my chance for a happy life. He would be triggered by everything and anything big or small, everyday I would get a beating or two, he was a ticking timebomb. I had nobody to run to, my mum left him since I was a kid and would hardly visit me because she’s terrified of him and my family were too far away, If my mother didn’t visit or listen to him I would suffer the consequences. He has nearly killed me a few times that’s just how badly he would beat me. I didn’t realise I was being abused until when I turned 15 and my first girlfriend left me and I went home crying, all I wanted was to hug my father. As I entered he said why are you crying? And so I explained, he got up from his chair and walked towards me, before I knew it I was dazed and my ears were ringing I had no idea what hit me until he threw me agains’t the wall and beat me like a man. His punches were so fast and powerful I had no chance to defend my face or body, that moment I realised my father doesn’t love me. I was always so terrefied to go home after school, I would find any reason to stay in school a little longer.. when I was in college my father decided to take his life again but succeeded this time. I remember the moment I got a phone call by the police and my heart sunk, I weeped like a baby and my heart broke. After his death I spent my life as a zombie, I don’t even remember the 2 years of my life after his death. I was just so depressed and exhausted I felt empty. Until I met the mother of my child, she saved me, she gave me a will to live as she made me feel like I’m worth something. I tried my best to change and accept life, be happy. She gave birth to my son, I have never been so happy and satisfied with my life until after 3 years of being together my past came back to haunt me and I suffered from anxiety and depression, I couldn’t stay happy no matter what I did. I know I put her through hell with the way I was acting but I couldn’t help it. My mother who got in contact with her briefed her of my childhood but she failed to understand me.. I felt so hopeless and I was bringing everyone I loved and cared about down with me. The other day we got into a huge arguement and before this arguement a few days earlier I lost a friend of mine due to an accident and was feeling down so I wasn’t feeling 100%, the arguement continued and something she said triggered me and I ended up being rough to her, I grabbed her throat and tried to choke her and put her against the wall. I quickly realised what I was doing and snapped out of it before it got worse, she was in shock and crying, I felt at the moment as if I died, I looked at my hands and couldn’t believe what I have done. Whoever that was it wasn’t me, I tried to calm her down and comfort her but I understand she was so terrified, the look she had cut my soul like a knife.. today she has left with my son. Maybe she will forgive me and return but I will never forgive myself for this. I have turned into someone who I didn’t want to be and I am now thinking will I continue to turn into my father? I stooped to his level. I will not allow myself to hurt her ever again or maybe my son in the future. They have been the best thing that’s every happened to me, but I’m ready to go, I’m just so exhausted, I spent my whole life in a dark lonely place and when I found light to my life I go and hurt them. I hate myself. I just hope my son will forgive me when he grows up. I’m just too exhausted to carry on.. I know this has been long and I missed out on alot so the story may be choppy, but if you read it this far thank you, I just needed to take something off my chest for a long time..
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self.SuicideWatch
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so there was a recent post about how you react to weed, now how do you react to "stronger" hallucinogens, like MDMA and LSD
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self.bipolar
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I told my uncle about my recent anxiety diagnosis and he shamed me for taking Prozac I've been diagnosed with an anxiety about a month ago. I'm going to counseling and my doctor has also prescribed me to take Prozac. Since these treatments, I've felt so much better.
However, I just told my uncle about everything and his reaction devastated me. He pretty much told me I need to work it out myself and get off the pills before I get addicted. I tried to explain but he didn't listen. I just gave up talking to him and cried quietly. I feel so frustrated about what just happened and I had to vent.
Has this ever happend to anyone else?
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self.Anxiety
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My anxiety makes me come off as a dumbass [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I sabotaged my 20s and then I changed I was that girl who got everything she ever wanted. I was a spoiled brat who didn't care about anybody but herself. My late teens and 20s were spent on using people for my advantage. Men were replacable and every one of my relationships was just another fling. Ugh I cringe thinking about how I acted. It could have been worse but it was pretty bad. Needless to say I turned my life around and found a great man. I ruined so many friendships. I wish I could go back in time and fix every one of them but I can't and such is life. I tried to reconnect but sometimes too much time has passed and things can't be unbroken. Maybe it's for the better, what's in the past stays in the past. I gave up drinking, not totally but alcohol and me don't mix. I drink one drink now in social settings. If I could redo life... you know what they say hindsight is always 20/20. I did manage to get a great career out of all of this, somehow. I graduated and paid off my student loan. My job has changed me for the better, it has given me a purpose in life. I always thought I'd be married by the time I turned 30 with a baby and a house. I don't have anyone else to blame, partied my 20s away. Anyway, long story short is people do change, and for the better too.
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self.offmychest
|
Going through rough times... I've been depressed for the last three years while living with my parents after high school, trying to help myself without anyone in my family realizing it. It got to the point of self harm and suicide by overdose attempts before I decided I needed help. I was slowly improving once I started seeing a therapist, but in the middle of this semester at Uni suppressed memories of being emotionally/physically abused by my father surfaced and everything got worse so quickly. I would get suicidal just being near him, and I tried to kill myself again before deciding I absolutely had to move out. In 3 days, I was gone, and my family thought I was just trying to shorten the hour long commute to Uni.
At the moment, the person I've been really dependent on to help me has asked for space. She got hurt from a nonfatal car accident while trying to check on me, and is going to be high on pain meds for nearly a month.
Having almost no support is really difficult right now.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Having a good relationship w/ myself I've made several posts in the last year about how to have better self-esteem, primarily because I didn't want to be alone and I understood that people generally don't like being around people with low self-esteem.
Now I am finally beginning to feel better about myself. I don't really have a reason to put myself down. I do have bipolar, and it sucks, but I'm working on it and feeling better so go me. And I have moments where I just enjoy being alive. And very few moments where I don't. Shout out to medication and to people who have helped me but mostly shout out to me for becoming someone I genuinely like.
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self.bipolar
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I have numbed myself so much that the only thing I feel anymore is anxiety.
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self.Anxiety
|
If I have to listen to someone having a phone conversation on the toilet at work while I'm also using a toilet for a fourth time today, I will wait for them to come out and smack them in the face with a shovel. The men's room is no talking zone.
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self.offmychest
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I just realized change does not always result in pain. Hey I just wanna say I had an epiphany today about my past trauma and how it effects my anxiety of change.
Ever since my father died when I was 16 I've been dealing with my anxiety and fear of change. I've been paralyzed by fear of change and often chose the worst, more comfortable situation. And I've hated myself for that fear and longed for the fearless girl I used to be.
But today I realized that I have recently dealt with a high influx of change that resulted in improvements to my life. True, there were adjustment periods, but ultimately it made a positive impact in my life.
I haven't spoken to my mother in over a year due to coming to terms with a (very) long history of her narcissism and conditional love. After a couple of nights of nightmares involving her, I meditated on my feelings about her, and was surprised to discover there was nothing really there. At first, I figured I'm in shock, or just numb about the whole situation to protect myself. But I tried pushing through any emotional barriers I had put up for myself, and instead, I felt a sort of relief that I no longer had to interact with her.
This made me realize I had been bracing for the final shoe to drop. I have been anxious expecting the outburst of emotional disaster nervous breakdown because that's what I expect from change. That's how my mother reacted to change.
And then I realized (during a screening of Blade Runner: 2049) that maybe I didn't have to be upset. Maybe the other shoe isn't going to drop because there is no other shoe. Because this was a change that is promoting a healthier me.
About a year and a half ago, my boyfriend of about seven years or so came out as transgender. This was an incredibly hard adjustment period. And I'm pansexual, so even without the strains on my sexual identity that many couples experience during this transition, I still had difficulty adjusting to this new version of the person I loved. The story of our relationship's development since she came out is for another time, but it boils down to about a year of very intense relationship maintenance.
At a certain point, however, I realized I was experiencing anxiety less about her changes and more about our future. During the whole process, I knew I loved her. I knew I didn't want to leave her. But, I was afraid I was going to have to. Because remember: change to me equals pain. I was plagued by grief for our relationship's impending doom.
But at the same time, I can't imagine not being with her, and every time I imagined leaving it tore me apart. I have never wanted to leave her, but I expected and braced myself for the inevitable pain I'd have to endure. Today, I realized I don't have to wait for that anymore because it turns out this is change that has made life better. Our relationship is stronger. It survived some very tough circumstances and we're on the other side better equipped to co-exist in each other's worlds. She can be truthful with herself and truly love herself, and because of that, she no longer depends on me to maintain a happy face, which was so stressful and debilitating to our partnership.
I've been waiting for this change to destroy our relationship. Instead, I think it might have saved it.
Anyways, I learned a lot and I wanted to share how quickly a perception can change out of the blue. I didn't understand this about myself for the longest time. Now I feel like I've unlocked a part of myself that I've missed. It gets better even if it feels like you're stuck and will never climb out of the hole in your head. Even if it feels like the barriers you've created for yourself are nigh on indestructible. You learn. You start to understand yourself and your life. You start to feel better.
Happy Holidays to you all and a joyous new year!
TL;DR: I used to be paralyzed with fear and anxiety about change because past trauma has caused me to believe change = pain. After a year of intense change including cutting off contact with my mother and my significant other coming out as transgender, I realized that I've been waiting for things to go bad when they've actually turned out to be positive.
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self.Anxiety
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Showers I have depression and anxiety and I often take long showers to help me calm down. I dont know why but the warm water running down my body just calms me down. Laying at the bottom of a bath tub while the shower is on just tends to put me in a better place.
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self.depression
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Should I leave a suicide note? Should I leave a suicide note, I’m confused as to whether I should or not. If I leave one, it might just upset people even more. I need advice.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Happy birthday to me I️ tried to make plans because I’ve been in my room for weeks but nobody responded or lives too far from me. Most of my friends forgot my birthday which made me feel really terrible, especially since I️ briefly talked to many of them. And then my mom continued to make me feel bad about the gift they got me by bringing up our families financial situation. My dad was gone for most of it and got back so late I didn’t do the traditional cake and candles. Everyone else kind of went about the day as normal. I️ spent my birthday eating popcorn alone and watching bobs burgers under my blankets trying not to cry.
It’s been really conflicting. I️ hate that all these things made me feel sad on my birthday. Others have had worse birthdays so I️ keep invalidating my own feelings. I️ feel like I sound ungrateful :/ especially since there were a few people like my parents who remembered. I just really wish they hadn’t spent so much on my gift, and that I️ wasn’t so alone. I️ feel like all the other people my age usually have so many people around them or go out on their birthday. Having so many of my friends forget made the physical loneliness even worse :(
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self.depression
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I might do it soon 2 weeks ago I made myself a promise I'd kill myself if my mom and my step dad would break up. Sure enough they did. I have nothing left in my life. I really don't have anyone who cares about me, somehow in the past 2 and a half years I've managed to lose every single person who truly cared about me and enjoyed my company. Both of my parents are selfish assholes who only think about themselves and their relationships are their top priority over their own children. Tomorrow I'm going to ask my crush out, if she rejects me I'm doing it however I'll wait 3-5 weeks so she doesn't feel guilt for it. And yeah I sound pathetic for basically betting my life on one person however thats how I am now, I attach myself to people I might not even know well at all and live in an imaginary world because that brings me closure.
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self.SuicideWatch
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How can I help myself be less self sabotaging? Recently I have entered into a relationship with a guy that I like a lot. At first I was feeling pretty confident in the relationship but now that things are starting to reach that “comfortable and steady” sort of stage I’m starting to get worried that he’s going to get bored with me. I find myself purposely not speaking to him until the end of the day now because I’m afraid of annoying him and I feel like he won’t want me anymore if I talk too much.
I think this behavior is harming my relationship with him by putting distance between us, but I don’t know how to combat my anxiety over it. Does anyone know a good way to help myself feel better about talking to him?
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self.Anxiety
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Want to go now Literally have no fucking reason to go on. So extremely unhappy and stressed. I’m human scum. I want to be free from this life
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self.depression
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Need some support Hey Reddit,
I did something really stupid and I need some support right now.
I went out fridaynight and we ended up partying through the night and taking some pep drugs saturday morning. I went to sleep and woke up today with really severe anxiety and panic. I can’t eat or sleep, I’m really scared and so angry at myself. I feel like I’m going crazy.
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self.Anxiety
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Trying to get out of a low but seems like forever [deleted]
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self.depression
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If just medication alone isn't enough for someone who's chronically suicidal and has been planning it since they were around 12, then what is? [deleted]
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self.depression
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The hole eroded into me from the lack of any sort of love is the only thing my Prozac doesnt help Im an 18 year old kissless virgin. I don't count the one single time I did kiss a girl because it wasn't really serious. However it did feel amazing.
I am painfully near-devoid of any affection in my life, friendly and romantically. I have until recently only been friends with a few people who are extremely toxic, but I stay with them because I have no one else. Since I have gotten a job though I have made new friends that even in the much shorter time that I have known them, I would choose them over my long time "best" friend. It still isn't exactly ideal, but that part of my life is kinda getting beter.
Romantically though, I am truly devoid of. I have never had a true long term girlfriend. Girls seem repulsed by me. I can't walk by them, especially ones I see everyday, without feling like im bothering them, disgusting them, or that they are laughing about me, thinking how disliked, pathetic, and weird that they feel I am. I have been chewed out by girls one too many times for no real reasons besides that because they didnt like me, my minor advances of even just friendship or being nice enraged them.
Now let it be known that I am self aware. I know that I am probably average, if not slightly better than average looking. My personality is quality, and this comes from the people who actually give me a chance, typically others guys, rarely girls. I converse and go through the steps of social interaction as if Im popular or something, but that isn't true. Im not weird, I don't do things that drive away people. Girls just seem to inherently dislike me and it kills me every single day.
Theres a hole that I can physically feel that has eroded in me, a crater left by the lack of any love in my life. I can not remember the last time I even touched a girl on purpose with any sort of reciprocated feelings behind it, or even the last time a girl talked to me out of interest for me. I can feel my insides twisting and turning in me as I type this. I yearn for human affection, to feel the warmth of being held, and the fuzzy feeling of knowing someone loves you, or just likes you. I am so lonely in this regard that I want to cry. It hurts me every day.
I can't even listen to Christmas songs without the constant pang of being alone intensifying.
End rant.
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self.depression
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Hopeless and alone, ready to die but scared To begin with, I'm not alone. I'm married and we have a five year old daughter. I love them both, and I have a great family in my parents, brother, and in laws as well. They are all beautiful people in their own ways, and all of them are aware on some level or another that depression is and has been an issue for me. I'm 37 years old, and I've been dealing with depressive episodes the majority of my life - since I was about 13 or 14. In the intervening 23 years, I've had maybe five that weren't marred by major depressive episodes lasting six months or more.
It's a default state for me.
I'm tired. I've been in therapy the last two years, and prior to ten years ago I'd been on six or seven different kinds of antidepressants with varying degrees of efficacy, culminating in a two and a half year stint on Welbutrin XL that permanently damaged my short and long term memory as well as diminishing my hearing by about 35% according to the audiologist. After that, I'm never trying another medicine designed to fuck with my brain chemistry. Pharma isn't even certain how the drugs work, if they'll work, or when they'll work, and the R&D is so prohibitive on those things that any side effects discovered during testing are downplayed, ignored, or denied outright. I will not, under any circumstances, go back to an antidepressant.
I've been married to my wife for eight years, and was with her for nine before that. In that time, she's been incredibly helpful and supportive, but the last three years have been more than she can handle and she's got caregiver burnout. She's divorcing me, and I don't blame her. The unwillingness on my part to see anything but the negative, my inability to remember anything generally unless it's overwhelmingly negative, my rage at my helplessness and my lack of hope and energy and belief in myself... It's gotten to be too much for her. And frankly, it's too much for me by now, too.
I say I'm alone because no one else can understand this, any more than anyone else can truly understand another, I guess, but being in a living hell of your own creation leaves you desperately spinning, spiraling further down a whirlpool of hopelessness that everyone on the sidelines just can't figure out why you don't swim out of. Meanwhile, your energy to just keep your head above water is constantly being sapped, and the idea of bettering yourself and getting out of the maelstrom is so far beyond your reserves that it's bitterly laughable. Any attempts you do make that meet with failure further drain your diminishing reserves, and leech what little remaining hope you have for getting out.
I'm out of hope. And energy.
I'm scared. I don't want to hurt my family. I don't really want to die, but I can't live like this anymore more. I want (NEED) to be there for my little girl, but I'm afraid I'll be more damaging to her in the long run if I continue living in this vein.
My work situation is misery, but only because I can't change my perception about it. I got screwed over several years ago money wise as far as my job responsibilities, which I reacted poorly to, which fed a viscous cycle of slowly but surely damaging my reputation, losing ground professionally, losing my office and being moved to a cube, and currently training my replacements. I hate myself, my bosses, and what the lack of money I should have been getting has done to my marriage and financial life, and I cannot get past it. Applying for new jobs has been bust after bust, and each attempt only adds to the hopelessness, depression, and self loathing. I'm too tired and afraid of the emotional fallout of failing again to keep trying.
I'm afraid, and disgusted with myself that I feel so fearful about things that it's frozen me. I'm scared of an afterlife, if there is one. I'm hurting for doing this to my family. I'm so angry at my bosses that I'd like to take them out with me.
I'm broken, and sad, and tired, and no one is going to make this better.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Those rare moments when you're having a great day and don't feel anxious at all and your brain is like wtf is going on this is weird and then you get anxious... [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I just need a place to talk to I've not been feeling very good in my head I suppose. Everyday something new happens to make me feel worse about myself and my situation. But I've never thought about suicide like I have been lately. It's constantly a thought either in the back or front of my mind. The thing is, though, I don't think I'm like actively suicidal. I just think it'd be better if I just weren't here, you know? And I hate feeling the way I do, but my parents can't afford therapy, but I also desperately need it. I just feel like nobody cares and I'm not worth caring about. It's never been this strong before and I don't know what to do. I'm 17 in my senior year, you know? I should be having fun but everything feels like shit. I just can't be happy.
Anyway, I didn't know if this was the right sub for this long ass monologue, but I just needed somewhere to vent where people would see I guess. Thanks for reading anyway if you did.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I finally took my meds today It's lamictal and I've been off it for a while so I know I won't feel better for a few weeks but goddamn it I am tired of not taking them.
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self.bipolar
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Pressure in head So I thought it was tension headaches but idk anymore. As soon as i woke up the pressure surrounding my head came back. A week or two ago I was drinking lots of water for months. Recently i drink more soda than water. Could that be the issue?
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self.Anxiety
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Anxiety won't let me clean my room My anxiety has gotten to a point where if I move anything in my room I can't leave it be. I will have to put it back. It stems from things starting to go well that day, or just in general, and I don't want to mess anything up. My room has become a disaster and my dog keeps finding things to chew up or ruin because of this. The thought of cleaning my room or changing things around even if it is for the better leaves my anxiety reeling. I have spoken to my doctors about this but they don't offer much help. Any advice?
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self.Anxiety
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Hey Be careful with your heart. Sounds like your exes just going to screw with you and keep having sex with you as long as you give it to him. I don't know where you're from but I'm from New York and would kill to have a beautiful girl like you.
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self.offmychest
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experiences with topamax? i was prescribed topamax today to take in conjunction with prozac; i’m starting at 25mg and have to work myself up to 100 over 4 weeks. has anyone had any experiences, good or bad? side effects? i’m very sensitive to medication and it’s been difficult finding ones that don’t cause adverse reactions.
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self.depression
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I want to make our dreams come true. He is in my dreams every night and I think it ended for really stupid reasons. Do you have any advice? Do you want more info?
I dream he is with me every night. I unconsciously insert him into my life plans. I just want things to be how they are supposed to be.
Feel free to PM me.
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self.offmychest
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Sometimes I can be happy one day and then the next day get thoughts of wishing I was dead
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self.depression
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Why does my anxiety go away when its night time? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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There's always a way to come back If depression can crawl back to you and make you feel miserable over and over again even when you think you are defeating it, there's always a way for you to fight back too. Always fight back my friend. You are stronger than this monster. Fight it back and show it what we are made of.
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self.depression
|
Insane headache and nausea , I leave my medications and still didn't help, I'm afraid to leave the house so any tip? I'm really hoping it's brain tumour which will be awesome!
but my wishes never come true.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I hate the holidays Every year before Christmas, my family makes a party, a gathering with every member of the family and friends in it. It's nice sure, but I dread going to that shit show. I know a lot of people would love to be in my place or would like to have a big "loving" family but I don't think anyone understands just how much I hate it.
Every year this party has been taken place there's just drama. So. much. drama. Because aunt A didn't think there was enough food (which my mother spends time and money on making), because aunt B didn't like their presents, or because my spoiled rotten nieces didn't get their favorite toy. Also all of this bought by my mother. She easily spends a little over 10k on this shit every year and she doesn't even get anything in return.
Nobody has to spent a dime on this shit. All they have to do is go, and even then they won't stop complaining about it
This year is a little different though, my mom decided every family would bring a dish each, so there's variety and that way there won't be an issue with money. But my aunt just had to complain about this because her lazy ass doesn't want to cook shit.
I also really really hate the gathering itself. It's a combination of everything I hate in one single place. From loud music to annoying people to people pretending to be interested in what I have to say.
Every year I dread this party. And every year this party makes me hate my family even more. It's driving me insane and no one in my family understands. He'll, even at the age of 21 I'm still forced to go.
I think I might sneak out of it at some point, the place it's pretty darn close to my house, so I might be able to get there without anyone noticing at first. That and I have my period as an excuse.
I'm sorry for the rant. But I really had to complain, I'm the only one feeling this way in the family. Thanks for reading.
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self.offmychest
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I think i need to resign I am really depressed and also are struggling with anxiety. I am having 2-3 panic attacks a day. I will be home alone over the Christmas period, and I think I will struggle to just look after myself
It's a temporary job, but I need it for my resume. But what good is it to have it on the resume if I am not copinf??
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self.bipolar
|
If I fail another class, I'm going to do it for real this time Tired of being a failure. College sucks and I wish I was smart. My parents are pushing for me to go to grad school, but my GPA isn't even at a 3.0 and it's senior year.
Even if I do pass everything, maybe I'll still do it. And I won't fail again this time like in the past.
Living isn't for me.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anyone else quit a lot? I haven't been able to so any of my hobbies, and realize that my childhood is riddled with a bunch of quitting.
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self.depression
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I think its time I think I have had enough. My pain and addiction are more than I can stand. I have searched to the end of the internet for help. I have tried everything.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Have You Ever Been Pushed Into Taking Therapy? Today my mom pushed me into setting up appointments to meet with a therapist I haven't talked to in 6 months since I became unemployed. I honestly gave up on expecting my issues to be solved through talking so I've been repeatedly denying that I was facing problems and issues to my mom, but she didn't buy it. So I'm going in this session probably with an even more negative outlook.
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self.depression
|
Frustrated with the system. In the beginning of October I started the process to get back on my meds for my diagnosed bi-polar. I got an appointment on October 20th with my PCP. They said they couldn't help me and referred me to psychology on November 15th. They called me this morning to cancel that appointment due to the doctor being sick and had to reschedule for December 15th. I have been hanging on by a thread knowing this appointment was coming up. I now have to wait another month. Pine Rest has a full caseload (their words) and can't get me in. Network 180 won't take me becasue I have private insurance. I have been told by every person I called that if I wanted immediate help I would have to check myself in. That is not what I want. I am not "that bad" I want to get help before it gets "that bad".
This system is broken. People are asking, SCREAMING for help and they just get told, you have to wait 4/6/8 weeks to even see a psychologist. Then have to wait 2-3 weeks for those meds to start working. This is why people don't ask for help. This is why people with mental problems fly off the handle and hurt themselves or someone else.
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self.bipolar
|
No more pretending I'm not anxious I want to stop pretending I'm not anxious. I want to stop apologizing for sometimes seeming distracted, or uncomfortable, or agitated.
I want people to not have expectations that I'm not anxious. I want to be able to say how I am actually feeling without people becoming worried or concerned.
I’ve learned how to be by studying how people would like me to act. I just wish I could express myself and be understood.
It's not other people's fault I guess. But maybe it's worth not pretending anymore. I'm just afraid of alienating the friends I do have. Who wants to be with someone who's kind of scared?
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self.Anxiety
|
Feel guilty about everything .. Hey .. I don’t know how to explain this but everything I do I feel bad or guilty about it .. even the simple things like eating the last cookie .. I don’t know what to do.. I also am realy socially awkward so every time I try to smile at someone they just roll their eyes or just laught at me, happened last Friday where I smiled at a girl and she just laughed and said “ what a douche “ .. Sometimes I just feel like a disgrace.. other thing that bothers me is that I’m always anxious about everything.. even if it is about getting late to class.. I don’t understand me.. I just needed to get this of my chest.. I’m 18 and never had a girlfriend..
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self.Anxiety
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Depressed and suicidal partner doesn't want help or to try anymore. Is there anything I can do? [deleted]
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self.depression
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I wanna die. I just want to die right now Why can't something fall and crush me? Why can't I just choke and die? Why can't I just not wake up in the morning? Why can't I just fucking die?????
I'm so fucking over everything. I keep telling myself it'll be okay but I don't know if it will be. The semester is over next week and I'm so fucking scared I'm going to fail my classes. My anxiety has prevented me from doing so many assignments and my depression prevents me from going to get shit done. My professor is emailing me now and telling me if I don't get all this shit done I'll probably fail the class. Not to mention I'm literally broke and not getting hours at work plus I've been sick and haven't been able to work. I've had 2 panic attacks in the last 2 weeks, one I'm recovering from right now....... can't stop shaking.....
I can't handle all this shit
I just want to die I want to end it all why won't it stop? I can't handle everything life is asking from me but I can't bring myself do do it. I could fill my fist with pills but I'll sob too hard before I'm able to swallow them. I could put a knife to my wrist but I'll have another panic attack before I'm able to slice it. I could tie a belt around my neck but panic before I figure out where to tie it. Why does school do this to me why does work want me broke why can't I just die???? Someone just come kill me please. I can't take the horrible thoughts the endless anxiety the just moderate expectations that I can't seem to meet. I'm shit and I deserve to die I want to die. Fuck it all
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How to suizide, mentally? I want to die so hard, but this cancerous biological programming keeps me from doing it.
How do I get over this mental barrier?! I hate myseof for not being able to kill myself.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm looking for a way to get diagnosed for bipolar online. I show a lot of symptoms for many disorders, but it's mainly bipolar. Can anybody help me find a sure that will help?
|
self.bipolar
|
i always feel like i'm being made a joke everytime a guy talks to me, gives me attention, says he likes me or something along those lines, i never believe him. it just doesn't add up in my head that someone would have any interest in me, because i find myself so unattractive and annoying. at the same time, i know im just in my own head and everything is probably fine, but as soon as a guy says "you look pretty today" or whatever i think "he's lying. he's trying to gain your trust so he can hurt you. he's laughing at you behind your back and everyone knows it" and i can't stop feeling like this. it's so horrible because my brain won't allow me to just be happy and have fun in the moment or just have dumb little relationships because i'm so afraid of being mad a fool. no one else understands and they tell me to just get over it and i'm being paranoid. i probably am but i can't help it. i said to a guy once "do you actually like me? or are you just playing me for laughs, or just tryna get that nut lmao???" and he said to me "honestly _schuyler i can't stop thinking about you and i really enjoy being around you" and i smiled for half a second before thinking "more lies. he's just trying to use you. he wants to make his exes jealous he doesn't like you". i'm so sick of being like this and i just had to ramble SOMEWHERE so thank you for reading this if you did.
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self.offmychest
|
I'm at a crossroad. I'm a recovering drug addict. Currently I've been clean for a year now I was addicted to painkillers for two years from my junior year of high school to my first year of college. The drugs helped me cope with my depression and my suicidal tendencies. Then I meet this girls she was wonderful I loved her she loved me and honestly she treated me better than anyone I had ever met. She wanted to be with me on one condition I get clean. So I did I had one slip up last January but I promised myself that would be it. Everything went just fine from then on out did we have our little fights? Of course every couple does but nothing too serious. But after a while things started to change with me I started craving the drugs more often and my depression started to get worst and worst to the point where I didn't know if I was going to life through that day. I would look at myself in the mirror and not recognize the person. My Relationship has also been getting worst her telling me I need to change and I'm not good as the person I am. I understand i'm not perfect i've never tried to come off as that but how am I supposed to be perfect she is constantly criticizing me for everything I do while when I ask her if she could change the way she talks or if she could try to be a little less controlling to me she gets angry at me telling me she done nothing wrong and shes a chill girlfriend. Shes started telling me that she dosen't know if she loves me anymore and that scares me. I cant turn to her for talking about my feelings because she just gets angry at me. I cant turn to my friends because every time I try to bring something up I feel like i'm bothering them. It feels like they don't care whether i'm there or not and i'm just a background character. Recently something has happened This girl I used to know has reappeared back in my life I remember back in the day me and her were very close and I had the biggest crush on her. The thing is its still there we talked talking about how its been. I want her to be back in my life the only problem is shes really big into drugs and so was I back then. I've thought about not only going back to her but the drugs. So brings me back to the present and i'm at a crossroads do I continue with the girl that used to make me happy. The girl I cant stop thinking about or do I just go back to doing drugs alone. Or my other thought do I just kill myself to end it all I'm not sure what to do or where to go this is basically my last attempt of any communication with anyone I don't know if i want to keep living the thought of ending it all goes through my mind everyday.
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self.offmychest
|
I wish someone would kill me I'm a 16 y/o male, been suicidal for years but too cowardly to do it. I recently thought about having someone like a professional hit man kill me instead. I was thinking, as a birthday present. Sniper on the grassy knoll type of thing. Anyway, does anyone have any experience with this, or any suggestions. I'm broke so i cant really afford alot.
Edit: I also have several mental illnesses, including depression, am failing high school, and have been disowned by my father. My best friend and neighbor is also suicidal, and we've been thinking of forming some kind of suicide pact.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
tired of it all for the past couple months I’ve been lying to my therapist for the sake of me not being thrown in a looney bin— and I’m tired of it.
if you start seeking help for your mental state, depression and anxiety in my case, they have to do something if you start harming yourself and mentioning suicide. and I have been harming myself, but I don’t tell anyone for the reason mentioned above. I do want to die, and I stopped taking my pills just to save em up for that purpose. It’s fucked up and I don’t know why I’m doing it, deep down I feel like it’s for attention rather than real problems and I hate myself for it.
.
.
.
and i can’t do it anymore. I don’t know how to open up about this in a way that I won’t get repercussions, i’m in highschool and i can’t have shit ruined by my fucking brain any longer.
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self.offmychest
|
My mom broke my heart. After a restraining order I petitioned was dropped by the court, I had a major breakdown. I’m talking crying, screaming, hyperventilating, the works... all of this in public despite my best efforts to calm myself. My husband was trying to calm me and hold me while I had my breakdown, and kept asking if I needed to go to the hospital. He put me in the car, wrapped me in his sweatshirt, and turned on some music, then went to talk to my mom. They spoke for about 10 seconds, and I heard him yell something at her. He came to the car, slammed the door and drove off.
Keep in mind, I’ve been experiencing major breakdowns like this throughout my entire life, most of which my mom has been present for. She was with me when I got my diagnosis, she has seen me through multiple medication changes, and she has been with me to counseling.
After things calmed down (I didn’t end up going to the hospital) I asked my husband what my mom said... “She’s just doing this for attention”.
It’s such a simple, stupid phrase I’ve heard a lot before, but never from her. My heart is broken. And my opinion of her has changed. Am I overreacting?
|
self.bipolar
|
I saw something I shouldn't have. I accidentally saw my boyfriend's best friends dick. We were all drinking. Bf passed out on the toilet and I brought him to bed. Gave our friend a blanket and pillow for the couch. I went outside to grab my cat and lock the doors and came back to see if he needed anything before I went into bed.
And there it was. He had taken off his pants. His flaccid dick just hanging off to the side. At first i definitely stared at it. Then I kind of just looked up to the ceiling abruptly when he started talking to me. Then he adjusted the blanket but played it off like he was just uncomfortable. I think he knows. I fought with myself for a half an hour before sleeping on whether or not I should tell my boyfriend but then I had haunting dreams about him finding out later and he thought I cheated or was like attracted to his flaccid penis? It was a weird sleep, I woke up every hour. I told him as soon as he woke up, I literally couldn't tell him any faster because he was asleep but it was basically the first thing out of my mouth.
This was like 3 weeks ago and it still haunts me. My boyfriend still makes jokes to me about how I secretly liked it or how I still think about. I mean I DO because it's haunting me.
Anyways......... That's off my chest.
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self.offmychest
|
Suicidal I'm pretty done with life, I feel like taking out a large life insurance policy and wandering around east LA picking fights..... I am pretty sure my family would be better off that way, without me.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
"getting better" always means someone dies Each time I was starting to get better from my mental illnesses, I'd have a death in my life, either of a friend or a family member. Now I feel obligated to not get better so that no one else dies. My most recent one was my cousin. She killed herself. It was only about a month after getting a new job and finally starting to feel like a person. The first time it happened it was my friend, F. Then it went my friend P, my grandmother, then my friend A, then now my cousin. F was possible suicide. P and A were confirmed suicides. Grandmother died from organ failures.
This sounds psychotic and like I'm drawing connections where there aren't but this has been bothering me for so long and I can't tell anyone because they'll tell me it's silly to think that way. I have a personality disorder and possibly more than one (either schizotypal or borderline mixed with avoidant which is what I'm diagnosed with) and I just don't know what to do. I'm scared that posting this is going to cause someone else to die.
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self.offmychest
|
Zoloft or Propranolol: Which medication is better for treating social anxiety and why?
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self.Anxiety
|
Anxious about messy house after being sick I’ve been sick. So have my kids. I’m feeling better today but they’re not. I look around and my place is a disaster. Stuff everywhere. Dishes piled up. My dog chewed his beg so there’s stuffing on the carpet. Full trash bags that need to be ran to the dumpster. I guess I’m posting here because I’m so overwhelmed. My anxiety is making me feel guilty about everything being in the state that it’s in! But then, it’s also making me feel stuck. It’s all so daunting. I don’t know where to begin. I just want to lay in bed and hide. This sucks.
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self.Anxiety
|
Is there any suicide hotline in Dubai? It’s just constantly battling everyday to be alive.i shut down myself to anyone, and I don’t know what I want.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Was molested by 16YO(F) friend when I was 14(F) I have probably typed, deleted, re-typed and then deleted this over a hundred times over the last year. I have thought of every possible way to say this, every possible way to phrase it, every possible way to explain what happened and to somehow put it into perspective. For a while I struggled with how I could try to keep from condemning the person that did this to me but then I realized that was the exact wrong thing to do and, once again, deleted everything and started re-typing. So now, here I am once again, typing and re-typing in hopes of one of my attempts finally getting to see the light of day. Maybe this one will- the events of yesterday with what came to light about Melanie Martinez fits this ironically well.
A girl I considered to be my very best friend in 2015 when I was only 14 was very, very sweet and kind. She was optimistic, loud, bright and affectionate with myself and all of her other friends. She had known me since I was 11 and she 13, the two of us becoming some of the most unlikely friends and eventually growing very close. I was a very vulnerable, affection-deprived kid from a very broken, abusive home that had never allowed me to have friends or people that cared about me aside from my dad and his side of the family. This girl was older then me, if only by a year and a half, and as time went on we got closer and closer. She was the best thing to ever happen to me; the first sense of comfort and real-life caring that I’d ever experienced besides the few members of my family that truly loved me.
Until things went south.
Her comforting me did not stay innocent. I was vulnerable, she claimed to have feelings for me, and even when I said ‘no’ she pushed. The more I said no the more that she said I was being unfair to her and hurting her. She guilted me into it the way any manipulative, pushy person would despite legitimately months of me saying no. Two months of me not allowing her, or anyone else, to even lay a single hand on me no matter the context. She blamed me, victimized herself and would call and text me over 20+ times within a period of as many minutes if I did not respond immediately to her every text or call. She eventually pushed enough to take control over me and a large portion of my life. She pushed me away from my friends, discouraged others from talking to me and then would turn around and put me down about my physical appearance and mental health when she knew very well I struggled with both.
But sometimes things were still sweet. Sometimes she’d hug me, just a normal hug, and I was so scared and deprived years of comfort and human touch that I was ‘easy’ to convince. But, eventually, her hugs would not be innocent anymore. And I was made feel so horrible for saying no that I finally submitted. Because, in the end, no matter how loud I said no she did not listen. She did not care. She was too self-absorbed to care what I, the younger and more vulnerable of the two of us, was not the priority. So when even physically pushing her away with all my might did not work I finally stopped fighting. I was broken, scared and filled with guilt and shame for my previous rejections of her and also the fact that I had STOPPED saying no. It all made me feel sick and want the ground to swallow me up and for the world to end.
I blamed myself.
This went on from October 2014-August 2015. I hadn’t even turned 15 yet.
In August 2015 she came back from the sleep away camp she had been at all summer and had lost interest in me. She treated me like dirt the last time she saw me and made me feel even worse. And then she left me, broken and alone, because she had finally ‘lost patience’ in me not returning her feelings.
I was broken.
I didn’t even fully understand at the time that what she had done to me was wrong. I blamed myself fully, feeling as if I’d failed by ever saying no and being so, so angry with myself for hurting her when it was I that was molested and emotionally manipulated.
I have been told many times that I did not say no loud enough. That me finally being forced into silence meant it was no longer her fault and became mine. I have had therapists legitimately tell me that I did not say no loud enough and that if I had only fought harder it would have stopped. And, let me just say, I physically tried to shove her off of me. I said no. I fought. But she was taller then me, nearly 5’8” to my 5’4”, and weighed quite a lot more then me. It was not hard for her to physically hold me down when I tried to fight- especially as back then I was not nearly as strong as I am now.
I now suffer from PTSD from both this girl and my abusive mother, anxiety, extreme guilt, body image problems and have attempted suicide multiple times but have not been suicidal since late 2015. I’ve lost almost 10 lbs in the last month and a half because a girl I now work with reminds me incredibly of R, the girl that molested me, and it has set me back so far that I can barely even force myself to eat a single meal a day and even people coming within, say, five feet of me makes me flinch and shudder and instinctively step away. I haven’t let people touch me in... months. I’ve been touched since then, of course, because my family does hug me and I don’t turn it down but I’m not at all comfortable with it. All human contact and relationships and vulnerability make me sick to my stomach. There’s only one girl that I trust, aka my sister, but other then that I can’t handle anyone being close to me or any sort of relationship with anyone else.
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self.offmychest
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My childhood is being sold for $1700. The worst part is that I asked to buy it so many times and now I cant afford to.. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I'm in such a low place, I'm nearly crying because I met a girl so amazing today from a dating app and I might not ever see her again [deleted]
|
self.depression
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Freaking out over upcoming storm I'm still a relatively new homeowner on the east coast and on Thursday it's going to be super windy and snowy. And it's absolutely frigid out - single digit weather and lows below zero. Anyway, I'm always anxious about bad weather events but this time I'm a little off my rocker. If the power goes out for an extended period of time (again, super windy) I'm afraid the house will get so cold the pipes will freeze and burst and the house will get major water damage. I do have a generator but I'm afraid I won't be able to get it to work when I need it to. I don't have a working fireplace. I'm afraid a tree will fall on the house and kill my SO and dog, even though I had my trees checked out earlier this year. I'm afraid a tree will fall on the neighbor's house. I'm afraid that the insurance company will come up with some excuse to not pay for repairs in the event of the above situations, and then I'm really fucked. I've run through so many scenarios in my head.
With anxiety I always feel like there's some impending doom on the horizon, but now it feels like doom is the day after tomorrow. I'm meditating and doing breaths but having a hard time tamping this down. It's so miserable and it's constant and I'm trying not to lose perspective. But part of me feels like if I worry to the extreme like we do, nothing bad will happen. Like anxiety is preventive. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I know you guys understand.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I was such a piece of trash, when I could have been the best guy in the world.. I was so fucking bad to you. I made it official after two goddamn weeks, and in the end it was all because I didn't want to wait for sex. I didn't let our love develop naturally. After it was official, all I wanted to do was cuddle and fuck. I even ended the passion in our make out sessions wirh it.. you trusted me so much and just ugh, I fucked up so hard. You already had sexual trauma, I should have realized thst you were doing things to make it better with me. I should have kept being your "daddy"... but instead I got weirded out and sick of it because making out is all I ever wanted to do. I was such a typical trash guy that just wanted sex..
Now, due to everything that happened, you're pushed away and I'll never be with you again. I'll never be able to protect you, to hold you in my arms.. I miss you so much. I miss our cuddles and how innocent we were.. I shouldn't have let my friends push me into this mindset of needing sex. I should have been able to wait and let things happen naturally... I should have also let you better me. I should have made a commitment after going to Florida for my cousins wedding that I would stop smoking and start driving.. but I didn't. I kept being a piece of shit and kept hating myself and it made me take it out on you.
I hate myself. I hate everything. We had a three year build up to this.. and I fucked it all up by being a horny fuckhead. We could have been so fucking great together.. I could have been such a good man for you. But I wasn't. I acted like a kid the whole time we were together and never gave a second thought to you, to actually being a boyfriend..
I feel like such a massive fucking piece of shit, Reddit. How could I take advantage of her like that.. god I want to die. All I wanted was for your family to accept me and instead I rushed it all.. I don't want to start over with someone new. I don't want to let myself develop feelings for them and let us take our time. I want you.. I want what we had. I should have been content being your brothers hot friend that you really liked, and been content with us just making out sometimes.. I rushed you into sex with no second thoughts.
I hate thatbi didn't go with your kink. I hate that I lost you. I hate that I pushed you away, and freaked out so hard when ij realized I was losing you.. I got so clingy and annoying. Now I'll probably never talk to you again... I deserve to die, I really do. I hate myself and just wish something could pull me out of this.
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self.offmychest
|
A really bad week My dog had a seizure, i reached my overdraft limit, I got a letter about an issue I thought was long dealt with taking me to court,my landlady told me I have two months to get out as she's selling and all my local rentals are no pets. My job is incredibly stressful and my dog is my baby. What do I do? :(
|
self.Anxiety
|
I can't think of anything that's not a coping mechanism to endure life's suffering I really am beginning to think my depression stems from understanding the true nature of living and the fact it is a painful process from birth to death.
Everything in between is a process of mitigating this pain and/or distracting yourself from it.
|
self.depression
|
I wan to help my internet boyfriend... ...but I do not know how. I've been trying really hard to give him some advice, but either nothing works, or he's just not able to do it. He gets really stressed after school and feels pretty much no motivation for anything after coming back home, so escersise is pretty much out of the question. He's an introvert, and has trouble even asking a classmate about homework. Going to the school's psychologist is basically impossible for him. He tried many times, but always stopped in front of the door to her office. His mother is basically toxic, his father barely does anything. Seeing him suffer just breaks my heart, but I don't know what to do about it to help. I'm honestly not sure if he can get an appointment with a therapist himself. His mother said that she's going to do it, but that was, like, a week ago and I think she just forgot about it. He's only really happy when we play games together, and even then, something might go wrong, ruin his mood and make him not feeling up to anything. It just feels so hopeless, and constantly gets worse...
|
self.depression
|
I’m 22 and an alcoholic. Lots of reasons “why.” Girlfriend just got a job as a cocktail waitress and she’s amazingly faithful, and I’m happy for her. But I don’t feel well, I don’t feel like myself. I’m young and dumb but I’m smart as fuck and I’m wasting my potential. I am lost. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Abilify vs. Latuda Anyone have experience with both? I was taking 80mg of Latuda and had to switch to Abilify due to losing insurance and the cost of the medication. Doctor has me on 10mg of Abilify. Is this a comparable dose to 80 mg of Latuda? I’ve been taking Abilify for ~2 weeks, and am trying to figure out if I can tell any difference. I have a really hard time determining these types of things.
|
self.bipolar
|
I'm an addict. Reddit, porn, masturbation, games. My phone is my window into my addictions. But getting rid of it seems unrealistic. I use my phone to track workouts, take notes, set reminders, look up a question, stay current on events, stream music, watch movies, GPS, calculator, camera. It's so functional. But I abuse it. I'm on it all the time, browsing YouTube, Reddit, PornHub, or playing an addicting game.
I feel pathetic. I always seem to convince myself that I can exercise moderation. And then I tell myself just one more clip, one more article, or one more round. And time passes so fast...And I get moody, because I get angry at myself, this sucks all the willpower out of me. I make excuses and don't want to do anything but throw myself a pity party.
I just don't know what to do anymore...
|
self.offmychest
|
I really hate myself sometimes and I'm so tired I feel okay most of the time but when I feel bad I feel terrible. And when I feel terrible it feels like all I've done is draw back the curtain. My horrible self loathing feels more real than anything I think or do. Small things don't always set me off but they could, and sometimes do. Maybe somebody I respect made a comment about something I should've known but didn't. Maybe I spent an evening struggling to make conversation with some nice people. Or maybe I just tried to do something that I enjoy and started feeling guilty that I wasn't any good at it. It pretty much spirals uncontrollably from there into nonsense like: "You contribute nothing to the lives of people around me. You're totally motivated by self-interest and you don't even care enough about or enjoy anything enough to commit to it. You're a complete waste of space. You're a waste of everyone's time and energy. The only reason anybody loves you is because you tricked them into it. You're empty and pointless. Only a terrible person would trick somebody into loving them. You're disgusting, probably the worst person ever. You don't even have enough backbone to make yourself happy." And that's usually when I start googling therapists. The rational part of my brain knows it's being lied to somehow. But it feels so real and so convincing that I can't disbelieve what I'm thinking.
It helps me to try and separate these thoughts from myself. I can think of it as just some dark, irrational, shout-y part of me, which couches itself as "speaking the truth" when really it's just the voice of my insecurities I guess. Sometimes it suggests that it'd be better if I just died or if I'd never been born but I'm pretty adept at staving that off. I could never hurt my family and friends like that. Even though it argues back with "It would be better for all of them. They just don't know it." I know well enough that it wouldn't be better. I've seen what a suicide does to a family. Besides, I still like playing video games and being outside and stuff. I can still find joy there. But the guilt hurts me. What guilt? For...existing I guess? And not being good enough at it?? For being an anxious people-pleaser. For being afraid of getting things wrong, of taking risks. For "fooling" everyone into thinking I'm smart, I'm worthy, I'm capable.
I have no reason to feel this way. I'm young. I've done very well for myself compared to most. I have a safe stable job with a good income, no debt, a decent family, a few good friends. I'm mostly healthy in that my chronic condition doesn't do much more than cause me slight discomfort now and then. I even had a very privileged childhood. Not without spots of angst here and there but nothing to warrant what I feel these days. But I still get into these spirals of self-loathing now and then which cause me to just shut myself up and cry for a few hours, basically until the static of every day life comes back enough to block out the "real thoughts".
I don't know if this is normal but I don't think it is. I'm afraid to tell anybody about it because they'll figure out how "crazy" I am. And it'll sound shitty coming from me anyway, with everything that I have. I haven't mustered the will to talk to a therapist. I just haven't been able to go through all the steps, between doing the research, making appointment phone calls during work hours, taking time off work to go. Part of me doesn't even think I'll be able to find a good therapist because I feel like I'm so sensitive to criticism that I'm hard to therapize. And these thoughts are so deeply ingrained from years and years of repetition. I'm just so tired and wrung out. I needed to explain that to somebody.
[edit]
TLDR: Nobody knows about my well of self-hatred. I want to do something about it but haven't been able to yet. I'm just tired.
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self.offmychest
|
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