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I have no identity. I am the son of two middle eastern immigrants. I was born in germany and have lived here all my life, but I don't, haven't, and will NEVER feel like I belong here because I don't. And I don't belong in turkey or irak either because 1) I'm not religious 2) I'm gay. too dark to be considered german and not religious enough to be considered middle-eastern. at school who am i suppose to sit with? who am i suppose to talk to? the other kids of immigrant background who think homosexuals are going to hell or how about the other kids who think that all the refugee/immigrant are terrorist and criminal? sometimes people are nice to me because i kinda look like i could be from southern europe, but when they find out my real ethnicity theystop talking to me. they judge me before they even know me. and when other kids who are also of immigrant background find out i'm gay they stop talking to me too. i feel rejected by everyone.
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self.offmychest
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I am too shy to talk about my issues to anyone. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Anyone else get knocked down really easily? Does anyone else get knocked down so easily by seemingly small things or instances because it just adds to the bigger issue that lingers in the mind? I have an issue with self-esteem, self-doubt, and just having a default mood that's negative. Small issues come up that any regular, resilient person would be able to brush off, but I can't because it just puts that thought in my head that goes "see? This is confirmation that you're a worthless piece of shit," and so it offsets my mood so deeply that anyone observing me would wonder why it bothers me so much, because all they see is a small issue that can be easily get over, not the deeper problem at hand.
Fuck, man. Fuck.
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self.depression
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Make the most out of your last days - maybe it will make you change your mind So there’s nothing to give you joy in life anymore, and you have decided that you want to end it all.
We’ve all asked or been asked a similar question to «if you have ten days to live, what do you do?». This scenario has now become real. Even if you do something dangerous or illegal, you might end up kill yourself anyways? So, before you think about how depressing your life is, just lying in bed all day and night - why not seek out some last joy in life? Things you’re warned not to do, do some psychedelic drugs or mdma (trust me, you don’t know happiness until you’ve popped molly), go on a exotic trip with your last money, steal something (now don’t end up in jail:)), smoke a pack of cigarettes, go parachuting, you name it. Getting out there isn’t easy, but it might open your eyes, and very well save your life.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I can’t stop eating and it’s breaking me It isn’t even just that I can’t stop eating, I’m basically addicted to foods that are bad for me, like fast food, and just overall giant portions. I’ve managed to fix every other aspect of my life except for this and it is weighing me down, literally and emotionally.
How do you stop? How do you control portions and convince your own mind that having a cheeseburger is not better than eating celery and ranch? I can’t do it. I’ve spent thousands at McDonald’s over the past year, it’ll be a miracle if I’m not diagnosed with diabetes soon. I just can’t stop.
I overcame social anxiety, I found myself a job, I got back into school. And yet I still feel like shit because I look like shit. And I don’t want to. But working out and eating healthy I just haven’t been able to bring myself to doing and I can’t understand why.
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self.depression
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Anxiety and...extreme disorganization? I have anxiety and I am also extremely disorganized and messy. I don't want to be, and it makes me MORE anxious but I can't break the cycle. Anyone else like this?
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self.Anxiety
|
Is my depression telling me no one cares or are my experiences confirming that? I understand that your mind can play tricks on you and make you feel as though no one cares, and that is true for a lot of people but for me I believe it isn't. I try to be rational about a lot of things. I try to distinguish my thoughts from my mental illness and my real experiences as in I think to myself, "okay youre feeling like shit because your mind is making you feel that way not because of outside sources". I think it's important to figure out what is "real" and what isn't so my depressive thoughts don't blend and become a blur with everything else.
But here is where im struggling: Does anyone in my life actually care? I see everyone else who speak up about their depression and everyone comes to them to make sure they're okay and that they aren't alone. But when I do no one says anything. No one has said that theyre there for me or that they care about me. I blatantly said that I have a suicide plan thought out but...nothing.
So why is that people care about everyone else but me.
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self.depression
|
I’m dealing with the Anniversary effect for the first time Hi. So this is a little weird for me, but it’s playing on my mind and I want to air it out without sugar coating it.
I’ve battled depression throughout my life, but it’s been most prominent since 2012/2013. In October 2013, I entered a relationship with someone that lasted through to October 2016. I dropped in and out of battling depression during that relationship and when it ended, I sank even lower. I remember all the feelings that came with that period of my life, the collapse of that relationship very clearly.
I’m telling you this because, despite being in a much happier relationship currently, I still experienced the anniversary effect when it reached a year since that relationship ended and I felt all those feelings in me again. I felt the intense sadness, the suicidal tendencies and general weight of the depression from that period of my life.
Just wanted to ask if anyone else experiences anything similar to this, because I thought I’d moved on, but clearly I still have healing to do.
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self.depression
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How did you beat your depression? I don't know where else to turn [deleted]
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self.depression
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Job interview. First in years. I feel weird whining here about something "positive" but I got a job interview tomorrow and it's @ 3:30 in a part of the city I am not very savvy with.
It's also not a job that pays any better and it's still retail but, god, I hate my current job environment. I need a change, even if it's harder to get to and more of the same.
My dad is finding reasons that the jobs sucks and reminding me I'll have to do sales and all of that. It's stressing me out. And the only "corporate/business" wear I have is my funeral dress and some nude heels so I hope that makes the grade.
Encouraging word and reminders how lucky I am are appreciated! I wish anxiety would go away and let me feel proud.
ETA: I didn't get the job BUT that's because myself and the agency consultant agreed it was too far away. So it wasn't a rejection, just an agreement? Anyway, they added me to their temp list. :)
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm pretty sure my girlfriend killed herself because of what I said. I'm a sorry excuse for a person. I don't deserve to live, because I basically caused her death. I guess I should explain.
I've been dating a girl for about 5 months now. I'm 14 and she had turned 14 as well a few days prior. We've both had a history of depression and suicide attempts.
So, Thursday. We got the day off from school, since it was snowing. I decided to text her. It was going well for a little, but then it became obvious that she was pre-occupied. She took a while to answer back to my texts and it was just 2-3 words, if anything. So, I tell her I gotta go, and I'll explain tomorrow.
The next day, I learned she seemed pre-occupied because she was talking irl with another dude. Needless to say, I got jealous. Soon after, a lot of shit happened with my parents and I had a breakdown. At this point, I'm done with everything, so I took a nap. A little later, I woke up because my phone was ringing ; she called me. So I answer it, and tell her about my jealousy. She obviously didn't take it well, and she got mad. I told her to "just go" and that I'm sorry. She asked me why, so I told her "I'm used to being alone. Tbh, I've forgotten how to love, and I can't deal with this shit rn. I've changed. So just fucking go. Sorry." (Or something like that, anyway). And the worst part was that everything I said was true. I have forgotten how to love, because I'm fucking numb. She left without saying anything.
I didn't see her on Saturday. This was when I realized that I probably hurt her, and I felt really bad for it.
So, this evening. The last time I spoke to her. We were talking on the phone, as per usual. I immediately apologize, but she doesn't take it. She basically tells me that it doesn't matter because she's dead emotionally anyway, and that she didn't want anything to do with me. That hurt me, but I told her I understand, and that I deserve it. But the more we spoke, the worse she got. She told me that she'd been cutting herself for hours the day before, and that it was my fault. I'm crying at this point, and I couldn't muster a response to that. She told me, in a monotonic, unwavering voice, that she was done with everything & that she's finally going to give up. She hung up before I could respond.
And that's the last time I've seen her. I'm a garbage person, I know. She's always been there for me, and this is how I fucking repay her. I hurt her and half-assedly tried to fix things. I'm going to bed. I'll look at all of your responses in the morning.
Before I go, I just wanted to say that she meant the world to me. I genuinely wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. So i don't fucking know how I'm gonna live knowing that I basically killed the girl of my dreams.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Dealing with the daily grind? Like most of us past a certain age, I have a job. I've had the same job for 22-plus years, in fact. But as I've gotten older and my depression has become more and more a factor in my life, dealing with the mundane grind has become exceptionally draining.
It's been heightened lately by some very poor choices by the people who run our workspace. I work in print media, and we were down to a skeleton crew before the latest round of employee cuts, and the draining of resources means we're working overtime to do the work three or four times the number of people once did.
What are your strategies for coping with the world of work when there are days you'd rather just hide from the world in the dark? I'm almost certain that no matter what our individual work experiences, there's some overlap there among those of us struggling with depression.
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self.depression
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I don’t know how much longer I can do this [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Now when I get low I want to self harm I haven't cut. I don't know how. I've burned without leaving much of a mark. It helps me feel better. I got into it a couple weeks ago and it was great but I knew something was wrong because it felt rational. It feels rational again. I'm getting low. I want to do it.
I wonder if this means raise the latuda again or give it more time. I wonder if this twisted logic means I need an antipsychotic. I wonder if giving up trying to get better is an acceptable option. Just two days ago I was going on about how I don't have as many bad days and the lows aren't as low, then this happens. I crash. It won't last but a few days but those few days are enough to fuck me up. I want to die. I don't want to kill myself yet but I want the release of hurting myself and I want to be dead.
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self.bipolar
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My new years resultion! I will try to Work on my self so that I find a Goal that's Worth chasing, I will not kill my self in the next half year!
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self.depression
|
Just venting and it's probably stupid but here goes I was having suicidal thoughts and someone I was texting noticed and they told someone. Now the person that they told thinks I was just threatening to kill myself and they called me a horrible person. I didn't mean to do any harm, I just wanted someone to vent to and now people hate me. This same exact thing happened a few years back and I just can't deal with this anymore.
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self.depression
|
What are some early warning signs that you're manic/hypo? For me, I start posting an inordinate amount on social media, or I go off on rants randomly. Libido starts to kick in as well (I normally have a very low sex drive).
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self.bipolar
|
Bipolar and anxiety causing disconnecting with reality? Alright I'll try to make this as short as I can, so a family member was taken to a psychiatrist hospital after a psychotic break. For a week or so she was behaving oddly, swore she could see into the future and that she could control nature; that she IS Mother Nature. She was found digging in dirt "controlling the weather" at one point. She also let go her pet bird into the wild because "he will come back with his bird friends to fight the war". She swore off TV, any kind of entertainment, any kind of branding. She was paranoid people were after her and that the airplanes' trails made an "X" in the sky so they marked her house to signal that they're coming after her. (Just so we are clear, I wasn't present when all this was happening. I learned all of this information from another family member who lives with her.)
So then she went to a male friend's house where she proceeded to randomly run away after she was going to "smoke a cigarette". She ran all the way to a grocery store nearby screaming to call the police because the male friend is the devil and he raped her and now is pregnant with his Satan baby. They did a rape kit, but according to the guy they never even touched... needless to say I believe him.
So after a few hours in the normal hospital she was coming back to reality for the most part and admitted the rape never happened. She said she was going crazy and would kill her self as soon as she got out of the psychiatric hospital. She went to the Psychiatric hospital and after 2 days (last night) called saying she will probably get to come home in a day or two and that the diagnosis is bipolar and severe anxiety. She sounded much better.
My question is with the diagnosis. I know very little about this type of thing but I didn't think bipolar could cause these kind of thoughts and delusions to occur. Do any of you have any experience of knowledge with this type of thing? I just really want to make sure she's getting the correct diagnosis, I really don't want to her to go through this again...
anyways thanks for any information, I greatly appreciate it.
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self.bipolar
|
I want to run away from home but don't know if it is a good idea. I am from Pakistan so my parents are very conservative. Grew up in a home where women are considered good for cleaning and cooking. I am rarely allowed to go outside and have to lie to even hang out with my boyfriend or any friend twice a week for a few hours. I am 18 btw and live in Canada. I don't do drugs, don't party, don't drink. Never done anyhting illegal. I am a girl with good character traits and I am genuinely a good person, or atleast I like to think. but because I have a boyfriend my parents do not trust me to go out or anything. I can't share any experiences with my parents in fear that they will get angry with me and I live in constant anxiety. At this point I am so detached with my parents that I don't feel bad for lying to them. They have disgusting views and beliefs which I don't agree with and don't want to grow up with. I constantly get depressed and suicidal. I was never allowed sleepovers and basically never given a chance to be a normal teenager. I truly feel like I wasted my childhood because of my parents. Is it a good idea to leave and say I have had enough? This is not the only reason I am leaving. my parents are the type of parents that think discipline through hitting is the best way. so I can never speak up. Please help me. I am just looking for answers on what to do. I am truly unhappy with life.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Jealousy toward mentally healthy, functional people? I feel a lot of this. What about you?
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self.Anxiety
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Tips on avoiding social media tonight? You know, because people who have it sussed it go to parties and celebrate the new year whereas I re-watch a favourite movie or tv series at 11:30 so I can avoid midnight.
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self.depression
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Im drowning...[Venting] Im drowning...Im tired of worrying about where my next meal for me and my family will come from. Im tired of worrying about when my phone will be shut off. Im just tired in general
I have all these problems but people say money wont make you happy. But it will take all the stresses I have away.
I hope the lord helps me before its too late..
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self.SuicideWatch
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good and bad days? the past week has been horrible to me but today i’m feeling quite nice. Yesterday I wanted to cut my neck and today I feel like jamming and I finally laughed again. I’m scared of falling back into a bad day, is it possible that I might havw another bad day? I’m on antipsychotics, lexapro and clonazepam
please reply
EDIT: is it possible to rebounce into shitty days on treatment?
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self.depression
|
Im starting to understand.. To make a long story short: My friend’s Ex told her that he was “too fucked up” to be with her and so he ended the relationship. I always thought that those words were some sort of excuse people used to justify their behavior and to make a break up seem less hash. (Hope I’m making sense :/) but now that I’m in a relationship myself, I’m finally starting to understand what those words actually mean. I honestly feel like I’m not good enough for my boyfriend. I feel like I’m too fucked up and I feel like he deserves someone better. I feel like he deserves someone stronger and more confident. I feel like i have too much on my plate to be with anyone..and i hate that i feel like that..but I cant help but think its true. I feel like shit 24/7 and I’m afraid I’ll end up bringing him down with me.
Sorry if this made no sense..kinda shitty at saying what I’m actually thinking.
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self.depression
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I [23f] think yet another episode of depression is starting and I am losing hope Hi Reddit.
Tldr: I (23f) have suffered through multiple episodes of depression separated by very short bouts of feeling happy before it starts up again. I finally recovered from a year long episode in August 2017 (that had started in September 2016) but I am starting to experience symptoms which signal to me that it might be the beginning of yet another episode. I have done all the treatments you can name over the course of these many episodes but none have helped. My bouts of happiness are getting shorter and I am losing hope. What should I do?
I am in my last semester of my undergraduate year (about to finish an honors thesis and obtain a BA in Honours Psychology [ironic I know]). I suffer from chronic recurrent major depression. My last episode was from September 2016 to August 2017. I have had many (5+ and it's hard to keep track) long lasting episodes of depression in my life but this one was the worst.
In March 2017 I had a break down and alerted my family that I was very suicidal. This led to me being hospitalized for 24 hours. After this I dropped some classes to take some time to recover and was followed up by a psychiatrist who tried to diagnose me with borderline personality disorder and tried to get me to see a psychologist who I knew had mistreated patients (including my mother, who also has bpd) in the past. When I voiced these concerns to her she completely dismissed them and continued trying to convince me to see him. I also disagreed with the diagnosis because she based it entirely off of my self harm (I used to cut myself in hidden places when things were particularly bad, simply to FEEL something) and I do not have any of the other symptoms to the degree required for a diagnosis (I never fight with my close friends, family or boyfriends, I do not have uncontrolled rage, I do have a sense of identity etc…). Needless to say, she ended up being very unhelpful in terms of my depression and every pill she recommended to me ended up either having no effect after 3 months or gave me horrible side effects. My depression did recover on its own in August 2017, several months after I stopped taking medication and stopped going to therapy.
For several months from August 2017 until around 2 weeks ago I was feeling amazing, positive and experiencing happiness. I was motivated and energized, and things were going great. Now, for the past 2 weeks I have been starting to feel depressed every day again and I am scared that it is coming back. I have also started experiencing the typical exhaustion, difficulty concentrating and changes in appetite. This is making me lose hope and making me feel very discouraged about life. This on/off depression has been going on for years and my bouts of happiness are getting shorter. It is a strain not only on myself but also my relationships and my academic/work performance. I am starting to become plagued with suicidal thoughts because I feel that my depression will never go away and even if it does it will come back (and I have read that those who have had multiple episodes are most likely to have even more).
I was looking forward to starting a family with my extremely supportive and amazing boyfriend of 4 years but I am worried that I will become depressed again and then be a bad mother.
I have tried most forms of therapy with licensed psychologists, including CBT and mindfulness and none have worked. I have tried exercising every day and eating healthy. I have an extremely helpful support group but I cannot rely on them for everything. I have tried 5 different medications. I don’t know what else I can do. I feel ready to give up. Does anyone have any advice? Comments? Been there? Does it really get better? I really don’t know what to do or think anymore...
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self.depression
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Abilify question I started taking 15 mg of abilify and 150 mg of XR Wellbutrin on monday. This was after taking 300 mg of tegretol three times daily, 100 mg of wellbutrin sr twice a day and 200 mg of seroquel at night. The first 2 days i felt really tired but i couldn't sleep and I felt very depressed. I called the psych and he dropped it to 7.5. I'm still tired and indefinitely more depressed and having self harm thoughts. He reassured me to wait it out because it will get better. I feel absolutely terrible and am hoping to hear some similar stories where abilify started odd bad but ended up becoming a good drug for you. This is for depression/mixed episode.
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self.bipolar
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I hate myself for posting here When I post here I feel like a career victim. I know in a way it sounds like I’m denouncing others who post here, but, I can’t help but feel like trash. I see people so confident all the time. People make fun of these types of people, but, I actually feel envious of them because they actually seem like they’re, I guess better is not the right word but, yeah, better. (Ps: sorry for wording this terribly)
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self.depression
|
thinking about suicide more and more suicide has always been something in the corners of my mind, but i've been revisiting it a ton the past couple weeks.
i would never act on my thoughts of suicide. the thought of pain hurts more than the pain would itself.
i feel so fucked up and broken. I'm 23 years old. I'm not a teenager anymore, I feel like I should be past all of this shit but I'm not. I'm just sitting here wishing for it to go away.
I've brought up suicide to friends, but it feels like.. no one really takes me seriously. but its always been that way. the only reason i would ever self harm would be to try and prove / validate my feelings i guess... i don't know. i guess i have always had to make big spectacles to be heard.
before when i thought of suicide i always imagined myself just disappearing into the woods. maybe getting eaten by a bear or starving to death. but now i just imagine crawling into the bathtub, putting on some good music, having a nice drink and ending it all. whenever i see the bathtub i want to cry now. so on top of everything i have this stupid unhealthy association with fucking bathtubs = suicide.
i dont know.. i have no desire to leave my bed. i just want to sleep and wish that when i wake up everything is better. i know thats stupid thinking, only i can change my current and future situation.
blah.
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self.offmychest
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Frightening intrusive thoughts about hanging myself, or taking lots of panadol, or slicing myself up. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
One year ago today. One year ago today I told a woman I’d never met that her son was dead. I let her pound my chest as she begged to see her boy. I could barely hold back the tears.
One year ago today I saw a young man with more stab wounds than I could count from his head to his hip. I had his blood on my shoes, and my trousers, and on my hands. I did not see him die, but I knew it would be only a matter of moments before his life ended. I could hear your mother’s screams coming down the street. The EMTs arrived to give you an emergency heart resuscitation. I did not see them open your chest as you lay there in a pool of your own blood, but I saw the aftermath.
Your mother, sister and extended family all rushed to the scene, each taking a turn to plead with me. Every time I uttered “You can’t see him, he’s dead. You don’t want to see him this way.” I felt like collapsing.
I came home covered in bruises. I washed your blood off in my shower. I watched as it went down the drain. I felt like I shouldn’t have done that, that you didn’t deserve to be washed away.
I look back on this day as the moment my life spiralled, like your blood, down the drain. I saw your last minutes on this Earth, and they were filled with terror. Your eyes begged for help, but you could not say anything. We were powerless to save you.
Tonight I smoked what felt like my millionth cigarette. I did not smoke before that night, now it’s the only thing that calms me down, and I hate myself for it.
Today my leg started to shake, and then my arms and then my body. I felt the horror of what I have seen wash over me, and it made me cry. I cry a lot these days, as you’re not the only unfortunate person I’ve had to watch before they die. In the year since your death, I’ve witnessed more horror and grief than I can bare to think about. I have PTSD and it fills me with shame. Why can’t I be like my colleagues? Why can’t I shrug it off? Why did I get so low that I wanted to kill myself? WHY AM I LIKE THIS?
I loved being a police officer, but now I cannot do it. A beep will give me a panic attack and a scream will make me cower. A siren fills me with dread and the uniform feels like a burden to heavy to wear.
I want my life that I had one year ago yesterday, when I had not seen you dead. My life before one year ago today wasn’t great, but good, stable and planned.
Today, one year ago, I told your mother you died and I don’t even know your name.
TLDR
Dealt with a stabbing, trauma, rambling, venting, etc.
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self.depression
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I feel completely jaded to the possibility of finding love I am 24f and I know that a lot of people say that I am still young and stuff, but I have been majorly depressed my whole life and disappointed countless times. I never had a relationship, only went on a few dates, and at this point I've become completely numb to the possibility of getting a significant other. Even if I want to like someone I am attracted to and accept that I like the person, I just can't get excited anymore. For instance, last week I was at an open mic cafe and one of the musicians that I think is handsome was checking me out. I was happy for like five seconds, but then I just felt numb. If that happened like three years ago, I'd be ecstatic. But now... I feel nothing. I used to be so lively and excited about that kinda stuff, but now...I can't feel anything romance related. Part of me feels that that's a good thing so that I don't get hurt, but another part of me feels that this isn't natural.
Thoughts?
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self.depression
|
I'm at my end but I have to make a choice I am in so much physical and mental pain and I want it all to stop. My dilema is that I have 2 beautiful little baby rats that have been keeping me above water for the last 10 weeks but they are no longer enough. I want to do it but I can't leave them and there are no decent places I can take them to be safe for when I go.
Maybe I just need to talk to someone, maybe there's nothing that can be done. I don't know. I need help.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Is Goodbye Difficult For You Guys? I always feel difficult about goodbye, especially for those goodbyes I don't know when I'll see the person next.. even I had a great night, I would end up be anxious back home because of it. Is that the same with you guys?
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self.Anxiety
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Oh boy, nothing like the feeling of knowing you're about to be replaced [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Have any of you had a concussion that worsened your mental symptoms? I had a mild concussion towards the end of December. For the following week or so, I noticed that I was very out of it and dazed which lines up with post-concussive syndrome but then started to feel better. I also noticed that my mental health seemed at a worse spot than it had for the past few months, and just attributed that to a particularly bad episode which does happen. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at the beginning of 2017 and have been dealing with it for the past 8 years. My new therapist suspects that I actually have bipolar II. Ever since my concussion my mood has been especially erratic, feeling both extreme anxious energy, and super depressed lows that have been coming in and out everyday. This past week especially I have been so unfocused and dazed, and a few days ago I had my first ever visual hallucination seeing lights and silhouettes. I have never in the years of struggling with mental disorder had a hallucination. My primary care doctor says that is very unusual and unlikely that since I started feeling less dazed after a week post concussion that I would suddenly start feeling worse again, which makes me unsure if this is purely a mental health thing that coincidentally started soon after the concussion or if its related to the injury. Does anyone have any opinions/personal stories about their experiences with TBI and worsening of mental health symptoms?
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self.bipolar
|
Making friends is hard. 23F here. I had really bad experiences with the women in my family, and now I’m intimidated by other women. Throughout childhood and middle and high school, I did manage to make a few close female friends and they were amazing. They were the most fulfilling relationships I have ever had. After graduation however, most moved out of state. I only had two remaining.
I was good at hiding my depression until I discovered alcohol. I completely lost control and became a pretty bad alcoholic for a couple of years, losing my last two friends.
I quit cold turkey about a year ago. It surprisingly wasn’t that hard, turns out I’m as miserable drunk as I am sober, may as well be sober.
I’m in my senior year of college and I just can’t bring myself to get to know other girls. I’m straight up scared of them. I’m decent around guys, but I want female friendships. Oh, trauma.
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self.depression
|
Not sure how long I can take this I’m so emotionally wiped out by this disorder. I’m just done with the medication roulette. I’m tapering off effexor and it’s making me sick and, what’s worse, it’s making me feel like I’ll never enjoy life again.
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self.bipolar
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Anyone else feel like they can't trust their mind? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
My Life has been utterly ruined and I feel like it's my fault. I just feel so disconnected to everyone and everything around me. I am a 24 year old Male and still cannot find a good girlfriend, even if I did have one I feel like it would be short lived because of my horrible anxiety and panic. My whole body is hyper sensitive to everything inside. Like, I literally feel my food go down my esophagus and make sure it does not get stuck in my throat, and then if it was something greasy/fatty, I wait and see if it is going to give me an upset stomach/constipation.
And if I do end up with ANY kind of digestive tract pain or uncomfortableness, I freak out... It's horrible, I shake and have to like shut myself from everything until i stop shaking, and if i Can't shake my fear of whatever the heck is going on within me.... I call 9-1-1. And bam... another night at the hospital.
I have had 2 CatScans, EKG's, scopes down my esophagus and everything came up negative, nothing is wrong.... But I feel HORRIBLE. I wouldn't wish anxiety and panic on my worst enemy. It is a living nightmare.
I take 100mg Zoloft and it just barely keeps me in check... And I have alprazolam for my panic attacks. I get sick of taking all of my meds because I just want to feel normal. All I do is pray and hope it will go away. I cannot escape my own body.
Am I stuck with this for my whole life?
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self.Anxiety
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The ultimate fuck-up I wrote all my suicide notes, addressed to certain people, and I finished writing my reasons, I then proceeded to rip the page out, and it ripped through the whole bloody note 😂. Just thought I'd share.
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self.SuicideWatch
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admitted myself, Psychologist says I have a dissociative disorder 38M with long term instability throughout my life. Cycles of depressive episodes where I emotionally disconnect from people for long periods of time, followed by cycles of feeling relatively stable and able to function. I had always assumed it to just be some form of depression but after talking with a Psychologist at the hospital psychiatric ward, he has suggested that the reason the 5 different anti-depressants didn't do anything for me in my late teens to early 20's is because my condition isn't necessarily treatable with anti-depressants because it is a dissociative disorder. He said based on all the information about my situation that I openly shared with him, I emotionally dissociate as a coping mechanism when faced with stressful situations and that it is a result of a traumatic experience from my childhood. He asked me where do I go? I said that's a good question, one that I often ask myself as does my wife.
So this has actually been relieving to finally have some professional insight into what I have been struggling with practically all my life and to know that it can be treated through psychotherapy and/or hypnotherapy.
In my case there is 2 sides to my personality. This I have been aware of for a long time, I just had always chalked it up to just being 'depressed'. But the key point he made was that throughout my clinical trials over 5 years and 5 different medications nothing made a difference in alleviating the depression symptoms. If it was in fact depression that was the condition alone that I would have likely responded to the medication.
So the plan is to try to work through this through talk therapy, which I said I would be much more comfortable with than trying any new meds as I have 3 kids to care for and can't take the risk involved of dealing with the potentially unwanted side effects.
Any others that have been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder and what do you find works for you in managing to live a productive life?
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self.depression
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I screwed up and scared I just undid lots of work [deleted]
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self.depression
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I wish... I wish I had someone in my life who could just hug me and hold me really close and tell me that everything will be alright. It’s been such a struggle this past year dealing with anxiety and every time I feel like I’m about to overcome it, it just comes back and hits back harder. I don’t know how much longer I can just get back up.
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self.Anxiety
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I'd really like a hug. Unfortunately, I cannot get one.
I feel completely alone.
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self.depression
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suicidal jokes :) i constantly make jokes about how i wanna commit suicide and wanna die and add "lol" or "lmao" at the end so it doesnt look as serious as it may seem but im kinda hoping somebody will reach out and realize im being very serious and say somethin lol
edit: just realised someone made a very similar post an hour before i posted this mb lol
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self.depression
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Help! Memory loss and fear of going crazy Does anybody else float in and out of derealization and not really notice?
Does anybody else feel like they only remember the parts of the day when they are panicking or over analyzing?
Does anybody else feel like anxiety has caused memory loss?
It’s super hard for me to put what im going through into words, im sorry. I just dont know whats going on anymore. I feel like i am two different people, like I AM anxiety i only notice im a living person when i have anxiety attacks or derealization. I feel like im floating in and out of reality and consciousness.
I am diagnosed with Generalized anxiety disorder, Agoraphobia, and Panic disorder but i cant help but feel like it’s something more serious than that.
Can anybody relate?????
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self.Anxiety
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Just turned 26M. No job. In debt, and a failed career and education. I don't see any hope anymore. Had many dreams and goals in life. They all have failed in front of my eyes, including a startup I put so much energy and hope into (thus the debt). Maybe I was living in an illusion and now I woke up.
I don't think I'll survive another two months. Shit is getting bigger than me, and I don't wanna be a burden to my parents anymore at this age (despite that being kinda normal in the 3rd world shithole I live in)
I had this feeling for years that things gonna get better and everything gonna be okay. Kept pushing while taking antidepressants everyday for at least 5 years. But now it's all in vain. I'm getting older, and still no job and no money.
I'm not depressed right now, but I think suicide is a rational and brave decision for my case. Had my take, didn't work, it's time to say goodbye.
I don't see the point in keeping fighting for something that may or may not come true. It's a waste of time.
I don't believe in the afterlife. It's all black after I do it. I still haven't decided how.
Last week I even started writing in my mind my suicide note. I looked for the quotes and the arguments with which I'll explain to my parents my decision. It seemed very good written. Writing is the only thing I think I'm good at in this life, or maybe that's just another illusion.
I must admit, at the same time I still have this fierce urge to make it through and prove everyone wrong.
But once again, why waste time in something that is not certain?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I figure it's a good time to finish my life, if there is such a thing A friend of a friend type person, pretty well known in the community and at his alma mater just died in an accident at age 22. This was just a few days ago. Most of the people I know are grieving him and everything. I didn't know him well at all but a lot of people I know were really close to him. I know he was a great person and a few things about him but not much. Anyway all the talk of death around me while I've bad suicidal thoughts for probably close to 6 months now made me realize I should just do it soon.
1. I was kicked out of college, which means losing my job on top of that because I worked for the school at a students-only position. That's literally the only thing I had in my life. Now I just wake up at 12pm at my parents' house, play skyrim until 4am, go to sleep and do it again. I literally have $3.44 to my name, no health insurance, no car, no job and ~$18,000 in debt.
2. Everyone around me is grieving a death already anyway. It's way more courteous to do it now than wait. Sure grieving two deaths may be harder but how much really? You can only feel so much and everyone says it's the worst they've ever felt already and as fucked up as it seems it's better to do it now than wait for them to accept his death then throw another one at them and make them relive the whole grieving process. If I figure I'll commit suicide eventually anyway, now/soon is the best time.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I wish I started counting calories a long time ago I know many of us worry about weight gain or experience with with various medications - I wish I had started counting calories when I *started* my meds rather than assuming that as a generally thin person I would be fine. I wish I had a better idea of how much food I needed to eat so that when my "hungry signals" went haywire I would have noticed. I wish I didn't accept the weight gain as normal or inevitable.
I started using myfitnesspal to count calories a few days ago and I'm kinda amazed at how much I used to eat. The first day on my new budget was pretty hard but it's steadily getting easier, to the point where I didn't even use my whole budget yesterday because I was so full. I feel that I am making better choices and being pushed towards foods that really make me full and away from empty calories. I am adding in extra calories for when I exercise but I know those can be inaccurate so I'm trying not to use them all. It's also important to verify the nutrition data on everything you eat because some of the entries in the MFP database are way off. I feel good having a specific goal rather than "eating as little as possible" and I think this keeps my obsessive side from running the show.
Part of the problem was that I used to think "I can eat about 2,000 cal a day," which is total bullshit for a mostly sedentary short woman. That's why I wish I had started tracking from the beginning. I had a strong feeling that I was eating way over 2,000 cal/day recently too.
If anyone is worried about maintaining or losing weight I think this is a really useful tool and 100% recommend it. The app is free and you will need a kitchen scale and some measuring cups. That's it! I also use mapmyfitness to calculate how much energy I burn walking and I use libra to store my weight. Both are free.
I'd love to hear diet/maintenance/weight loss tips from the community. I know this is really hard, especially when you know you ate enough but your body is still saying "feed me!" From my limited experience that went away pretty fast. I take lithium, trileptal, cytomel, and saphris for mental health plus assorted other medications for migraines and GI issues.
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self.bipolar
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I hurt my best friend. About seven months ago I was stoned and in the same bed as a good female friend of mine. I don't want to go into detail but I sexually assaulted her that night. I regret this everyday of my life. I think about it everyday and I always thought I wasn't that type of person. I can't justify it to myself and I know what I did was wrong and I've promised to never do anything close to that again. I thought constant self hatred and pain would be enough of a punishment. These past four days I've been sick and that feeling of self hatred
has elevated to experiencing panic attack after panic attack and I don't know what to do. I can't hold food down, I shake constantly and all my muscles are tense. I've been through a lot of therapy in the past, I was sexually abused by a close relative when I was younger, so I can usually self regulate through my attacks but these are different. I can lessen them to an extent but they've been constant for the past few days. I can talk to a therapist that I used to see but what do I tell him? I'm sorry if this is jumbled but there's so much going on in my head. I think I deserve this all and more.
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self.depression
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I greatly struggle to get out of bed every morning. I wish I wouldn’t wake up ever again. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I can't stop crying My depression's getting worse. I find myself randomly crying over simple things. I used to be so confident of myself but lately my self-esteem has taken a toll. Everything I do feels like a failure and disappointment. It's embarrassing because it has happened at work. I don't want people to notice so I put up a happy front. It's like I'm hormonal. I just keep crying and once I start, I cannot stop. Is it the overwhelming sadness and anger I've been repressing? The utter disappointment in myself?
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self.depression
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Observations on my suicidal thoughts I remember the first time I ever had suicidal thoughts, it was 4 years ago and I was living away from home for university. I remember coming home that weekend and breaking down in front of my parents straight away. That experience was horrifying especially because the thoughts were really severe and that was the start of me being depressed.
Now, 4 years later I have periods of severe depression where these thoughts come up again. However, now whenever I get these thoughts I am able to keep them to myself for an extended period of time and just carry on as normal. A major difference between then and now is that I actually want to die now whereas before that thought was completely alien to me.
My desire to die is pretty strong right now mainly because I am scared about the new year and the last few months have gone really shit. I love my family so much but I feel like my anxiety and depression is going to win very soon.
I was thinking of going to my old therapist and showing her my diary with all of my suicidal thoughts with the intention of getting hospitalised but that comes across like attention seeking and that I don't really have a desire to die. Part of me doesn't want to go and show it to her but then another part really does. She is the only one I would show this to.
I am a coward though and don't really have the fearlessness needed to actually commit suicide which is another negative for me.
Sorry for the long post!
What do you guys think?
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self.depression
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Feeling Empty As the title says, I'm feeling empty. I have been for seven years of my life, and it comes and goes.
Anymore I feel I have no real reason to be here. Nothing feels right, if that makes sense. Maybe someone else knows what I mean.
Apart from that, my whole family is just awful. I spent years around abusive addicts and selfish narcissists, and the day I had the balls to tell them about themselves is the day I lost a home. Thanks to them I have lifetimes worth of insecurities and issues that I've only just started working on as a young man.
I don't really know what I feel anymore. I don't want to die - not suicidal at all, but if a bad accident were to happen I wouldn't be scared. Sorry if this was all over the place but I haven't had time to even begin to try and get my thoughts together.
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self.depression
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Finally am comfortable with medical cannabis and oh boy did it change my life Title is self explanatory.
But I've had bad ptsd due to a brain tumor when I was 20. And brain sugery and still constant checking.And followed bad depression and anxiety and bad ADHD. Yay broken new generation.
I smoked weed this 1 time when I was 16 and it was the most terrifying experience of all time and I absolutely hated it. But that's it.
And trust me when I say I spend hours on end each day introspecting reading self help books. Consulting a psychologists and psychiatrists. I have isolated it to chemical in balance. There's days I used to wake up and not be able to go to work without crying for no reason. Had on and off suicidal thoughts. Had 0 self confidence. Couldn't speak to new people. I couldn't even sleep at my parents for more then 1 day because I wasn't at home I had anxiety through the roof. My emotional turmoil was INTENSE AND UNCONTROLLABLE.
But as a last resort I turned to medical cannabis. And I smoke everyday now. Rest assure I don't get high because of the 1:1 cbd mix.
Anyhow I'm so relieved!!!!!! I FINALLY HAVE MY FUCKING LIFE BACK.
I have confidence now.
I found myself attractive for the first time in over 10 years despite me gaining a bit of weight.
I'm having less and less anxiety.
I can focus more and more everyday.
I'm getting more comfortable with people "entering my space" .
Getting used to me being away from my apartment sleeping over or having people sleep over.
I have 0 mood swings.
I repeat 0 mood swings or suicidal thoughts.
The intense over thinking that stopped. And my negative inner monologue also stopped
Honestly I can't say thank enough to my cousin who pushed me towards weed.
I honestly feel normal and I haven't felt this good. This consistantly for this long in over 10 years.
I really hope they start doing research. Because CBD is honestly the same "buzz" as Tylenol. And now guess what I take if I have a headache.
TL:DR. Bad depression. REALLY FUCKING BAD. Smoked once. Bad experience. Last resort smoke weed for depression. ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. I feel great.
P.s. if you hesitate to use weed for medical reason I suggest you give it a try.
.l
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self.offmychest
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Chest feel tight Does anyone else's chest constantly feel tight? Mine does and it's just been ruled out because my health is perfect, but it always makes me even more anxious cause I think somethings wrong and sometimes I really feel like I can't breathe. Anyone else deal with this, and how do you handle it?
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self.Anxiety
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My family makes way too much money for way too little [Warning: political opinions ahead]
So basically everything I have is because my grandpa makes a ton of money as a commercial real estate developer. He's sort of a "self-made man", although tbh that term is kind of bullshit because it erases various privileges and strokes of luck it takes to "make it." I get that to a certain extent he deserves what he worked for, but now he just makes tons of revenue just for sitting on land. He plays an active role in gentrification and thinks it's a good thing. He's expressed racist views and I'm concerned that may affect his business actions. He has local politicians' ears. I live very comfortably in a time of really shitty social inequality. I've been reading socialist theory and while I wouldn't identify as a socialist, Engels makes a really good point when he's talking about how the proprietor makes way too much money and steals much of the value of the working class. I can't complain about this to my family because I would sound ungrateful, and I can't complain about this to my friends because I don't want them to associate me with my grandpa. Just needed to get off my chest that I benefit immensely from social inequality and don't know how to reconcile that with my career goals of fighting social inequality.
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self.offmychest
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How does positive self talk work? So I read about a thing called cognitive dissonance where basically by doing something like forcing yourself to smile and act confidently, your brain thinks this is how you really are so suddenly you feel confident. This can be extended to waking up every day and feeding yourself a fat bowl of positive self-talk. "I'm great, I'm happy, I'm confident" etc.
But I have two problems with this. First of all, where do you draw the line between using cognitive dissonance and losing all awareness of your actual problems? What if an insecure person with unhealthy thinking habits forces himself to believe that they are all these great things only to go about their daily lives depressed because their real issues are unresolved and hidden from his own sight? Doesn't the root cause deserve some attention? How do you know when to stop overthinking this?
Secondly, people look uncomfortable when they don't act in ways that they truly feel. By doing cognitive dissonance physically, are they not putting all their effort into an act that's forced / just seems forced to other people? Times like this I think of that episode in Mr. Bean where he's at the diving board at the pool and tries to stand up all confidently to those kids :') It's also possible that thinking I look forced is all inside my head as part of negative self talk. Buuut this could be problematic for the first reason - Looking damn forced in reality but being blissfully unaware of it.
So yeah can someone clarify all this for me?
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self.depression
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Is it irresponsible to love Okay that is a dramatic title... But I think it serves as a decent abstraction of my situation. Here goes:
I am 43 years old and been wrestling with the depression and bipolar since about 2002. Previous to that was essentially one long 28 year manic period. I was a super hero.
I went completely diagnosed until until 08 (that was a real rough 6 years) and was treated for depression. This helped quite a bit, but did nothing for the bipolar since we didn't know it was there. I seem to go manic for 6-12 months every couple of years with little spikes here and there in between. Much more common is debilitating depression.
There is a woman who has been in my life since about 98. She fell in love with me when I was just a rockstar all day every day. I never fully committed to her and she was okay with that. We would get very close for a while then I would wander off. She tolerated it.
Then when the depression started she had an easier time holding me. That sounds fucked up- but when you can barely stand to live for 2 years straight you don't tend to have uncontrollable urges to step out.
And I do love this woman- deeply. But most of the time it is a case of "I love you, but am not in love with you" which is a statement people who aren't bipolar probably don't really believe is real.
Anyway, after a long bout of the depression I went manic and sold everything I owed, bought a boat, and sailed to Mexico. It was crushing for her- but she watched me circle the drain and was supportive of whatever I needed to be happy. She would rather lose me as a lover than lose me as a human.
Well after that episode we drifted back... and I left again. Was on a road trip and just didn't come back. And then she convinced me to come back a year or so later... This is the part where the bipolar diagnosis came in. About 2012 I think.
I held it together another couple of years- then left again. I realized that I could never trust myself to promise myself "forever" to anyone. Because my whole concept of reality shifts sometimes.
When I am not manic I can barely stand to live even when the depression isn't on me. Without the manic life is so slow and boring and passionless that I feel it is wasted. We half joke (and half believe) about how we like when the manic hits. It feels good whooohoo!
In my case it is pretty extreme. I spend months or years not killing myself because I want to protect my loved ones... and then suddenly I can breath and the world has color. I know that I will NEVER not head that call. Ever. It is the only value I get out of being here.
But what that means is- no matter how much I care about someone and how much I let them care about me... When the dice come up sevens- there is a chance I would try to marry them... but there is an equal chance I would try to establish a drug cartel... Or lead a revolution... You get the idea.
Okay so, girl is in town- hadn't seen her in a while and I forced the last couple of visits to be pretty platonic to "protect her"... But for whatever reason I feel very drawn- I want to hold her, kiss her, and so on... Which would fuel her flame- but just put her higher up when the inevitable fall comes.
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self.bipolar
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Feeling incredibly thankful for all of you /r/bipolar is truly an awesome page. I was looking at another mental health page (won't name names), and it was really depressing. That probably sounds like a weird thing, but I feel like there is a lot of hope here, a lot of expression, sobs, laughs, and thoughts. This is such a safe space, and I just want to thank you on this friday the 13th.
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self.bipolar
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The Way I Kill Myself I don’t have anyone to love, so I love going to the city to pick up drugs.
My motivation to change anything meaningful in my life doesn’t stick, so I stick a needle in my arm and inject it.
My waking reality is not adequate, so I nod off into nothingness again.
Maybe this time I won’t wake.
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self.depression
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It’s Christmas Day and I don’t want to be here. My relationship with my mum has been strained this year because I found out she regularly talks about me behind my back to my brother. Not good things, obviously.
I wish I was out of this house, hours away with my boyfriend. I’m over feeling like I have to hide in my own home.
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self.offmychest
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Has anyone else gone to a symphony alone? How did it turn out? I purchased a ticket to see a tribute to Ella Fitzgerald on NYE and picked a seat that was center stage. I chose that seat because that’s where I would like to sit, but afterwards I started thinking maybe it would have been better to get a seat closer to the end since I’ll be by myself? I’ve been to a symphony in the past, but never by myself so I’ve never considered this before.
Also, I chose to post to this forum because my anxiety is telling me maybe it’s too weird to attend a symphony alone and it will be incredibly awkward.
Part of my resolution for 2018 is to push myself out of my comfort zone, and since I have no one to go with me to the symphony I figured why not start now?
Has anyone ever attended a symphony by themselves before? And how did it go?
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self.Anxiety
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After months of not brushing my hair, I was able to get the tangles and mats out! I only had to cut a few pieces off and it's not noticeable! [X-post /r/TheSmallVictories]
I love my hair and I genuinely thought I was going to have to cut it off. I don't remember the last time I brushed it. It's been at least 3 months.
I can now use the gift certificate to get my hair done without embarrassment.
[Here is the aftermath.](https://imgur.com/4X5Ves8)
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self.bipolar
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Not having a bed to sleep in really fucking sucks sat downstairs till 8am freezing on the sofa, I have to wait till my gran wakes up to go to her room to get a couple hours sleep. This has lasted a week, my vision is getting shitty my back is hurting I'm absolutely miserable with headaches its not fair. People keep talking about ordering me a bed still nothing :( FUCK MY LIFE
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self.depression
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Here for anyone who needs someone to talk to!! Hey guys, I know it sucks not having anyone to talk to about your thoughts or issues going on. So if you’d like to PM me I’m here for you!!! My names Alex and please feel free to message me at any time about anything. I don’t judge, everyone’s life is different so I completely understand.
I wish you all the best! Please take care!
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self.depression
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I don't even know how to try anymore I am so alone, and so depressed I can't even think of how to get out. I feel so in life, like I've got absolutely nothing to live for. I'm 22, still live at home, no friends, my family wants nothing to do with me, and I've just got nothing. All I do in life is go to work, and play on my computer. I can't think of anything else to do.
I can't approach people I get too nervous, and I'm not even sure if I want to. All anyone ever does is hurt me. I have never had a meaningful relationship with another human in my life. All relationships I have are always about me trying desperately to please others, until they decide to hurt me.
I don't know what to do, I'm just planning to kill myself once my mom dies and just be done with it all.
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self.depression
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In an effort to retrain my brain to think positively Here are things that are not bad, possibly good, or actually good.
While many clients at my job never accept my help and then go find a man to help them, that's kinda good because I don't want to talk to anyone anyway.
I'm getting paid while depressed, which is better than not getting paid while depressed.
I haven't made a mistake in my medication in a couple days, that is cool, I guess.
Drinking all this water because of dry mouth is leaving me super hydrated, which means I can hang out in the bathroom longer.
Posting here counts as "reaching out", which is good.
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self.depression
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Everything's an act I am merely acting and lying my way out of life. Every situation, every conversation, it is all fake. I AM FAKE. Completely fake. A big fat liar.
I do not feel anything. I am trying to make myself feel. Forcefully. And it is not working. It's getting harder and harder to grip on to reality with every passing thought. I just want to end this now.
And if it is not this, then i am just trying to fit in. I don't want to hurt others so i try to make some conversation that will please them but all of it is a lie. Or maybe i am just trying to protect myself.
I am suffering so much. And so is my boyfriend. He doesn't tell me but i know. But he doesn't want to die yet. Not even with the future as bleak as our's.
As for me, death is no less than salavtion now. Sooner rather than later, i will have to do something about the pain in my chest and this suffocation that others don't understand about. I will have to end it. And if he so wishes by that time, i will take him with me. I don't want him to suffer anymore. And i don't want to hurt him anymore, intentionally or otherwise.
How disgusting a person i have become.
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self.depression
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Friend mad after coming over to make sure she was ok. She showed alot of the signs in the past few days/weeks (cutting people out, telling me she didn't know how to get over it, getting off of social media) and while I didn't think she'd hurt herself tonight I didn't want to risk it, I know she's tried to before. She told me not to come over and I was going to let her have her space but then she texted she wanted to cut everything out and then she stopped responding to me for an hour of me asking her to just tell me she was ok. I told her I would come over if she didn't respond but now I feel like an idiot who overeacted.
I've never been close to someone this depressed and this ready to cut people out of their life so I just wanted to overeacted rather than an underreact. It honestly freaked me out because I didn't want to be one of those people who thought she wouldn't do it and then it happens.
Now, though, I'm just sitting downstairs from her in her house feeling like an idiot and she's mad at me.
I don't know what to do, I honestly feel like I have no clue what I'm doing and I don't want to lose the is friendship and I most definitely don't want to distance her and then her really be alone and the worst happens.
Any advice is welcome, thanks guys.
UPDATE: She seems more relaxed now. I was just sitting downstairs in her house finishing a remote work shift (only way she let me inside) and I was planning on leaving but she subtly (not outright) asked me to stay and finish an assignment that I had told her about as it would "make her feel better." At least she's out of her own head. I'm still giving her her distance, of course.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I sometimes feel like my sad thoughts are truer than my normal thoughts [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Losing my will to live has actually helped a little bit. I feel like it helps me avoid anxiety, because nothing matters in the long run. Yet, for some reason, people don’t like apathy, even in situations where it doesn’t pertain to them. Apathy does not equal laziness.
I’m only seventeen, so I feel rather young to be saying, “fuck it, who gives two shits,” but it’s all I can do anymore. I’m tired of all this anxiety and depression and I feel like it’s time to give myself some credit. But of course, that’s not possible, because doing so is apparently a bad thing. I think the past decade or so of suffering is enough justification for a little fucking relaxation. Fuck.
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self.depression
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I'm finally fine. And now I'm not. I'm fine again. And again I'm not. I'm getting sick of this pattern. I thought I had it all figured out but I inevitably fall back into my suffocating hole of depression. It might have been caused by the few bad days I've had in the past two weeks. Or maybe it really was meant to overcome me without reason. Either way, it just really sucks how you can easily switch from a good to bad mood and not the other way around.
Of course, I have my countermeasures planned to get back in shape. But it's just so difficult to start from the very beginning. It's also disheartening to know that any small thing can put me back into an immeasurable episode of depression. It almost seems like a pointless effort. But I know that's what depression wants you to think...
Anyone else going through the same thing?
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self.depression
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Returning to places where I have extreme anxiety Hi,
So basically I went on holiday and became extremely ill with gastroenteritis and was admitted to hospital for 4 days because I ate very little for a week and dropped from 60kg to 53kg. I was very happy to return home.
I have recently accepted a very good job opportunity.... In the same country I became ill in. Now I'm absolutely dreading it. It feels like I'm going back to my absolute worst nightmare even though it's a great opportunity. Now that I have my contract and a fly out date I'm as scared as nauseous as ever.
The country is in Asia and I'm a very picky eater anyway. My diet is very strictly western. I think I have panic around foods I am not familiar with (sweating, extreme nausea, need access to a bathroom in case I throw up, dizziness, vertigo) and now I'm going to a completely different culture where I am way out of my depth. I wake up every morning thinking "what the fuck have I done" but all of my family and friends are very happy for me.
I'm absolutely petrified I will end up back in hospital just because of my relationship with food. It's unlikely, but i constantly think that maybe I didn't have gastroenteritis and maybe I was just admitted because I couldn't eat the food because I'm fussy? Things have become so bad now I have a leaving date I have constant nausea and I'm eating very little.
I feel like my hospital experience has changed my relationship with food forever and I'm worried I will arrive in the country and not be able to eat because of constant nausea because my brain associates the country and culture with illness.
Does anybody have a similar experience?
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self.Anxiety
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birthday (CW self harm/ depression) hey friends
it's my birthday (nobody, not my SO, siblings, friends or parents remembered), and I am overwhelmed with work and final papers I'm supposed to be writing and my internet's out (this from my phone) and I can't fucking do this anymore.
I'm 24 and I hate this. I just want to die honestly
And now I also get to hate myself for going on the internet and having a pity party instead of actually fucking doing something so! Hooray!
UPDATE
well, I feel like a fucking fool. The reason nobody said anything is they were doing something nice and I'm too fucking gullible not to believe the weird stories about needing to print a 250 page pdf at Staples in the middle of Sunday.
Still feeling pretty depressed/ stressed about the internet / finals but also really thankful and better. And also thank you so for the kind wishes and good advice.
Thanks for being here, I hope to pay it forward sometime.
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self.bipolar
|
I'm A Failure And I Should Die I tried. I tried to do good in college but I just didn't have it in me to do good. I failed again cause I'm an idiot. I don't want to go back home and face my family and tell them I'm a piece of shit that failed. I should just jump off a roof or into traffic so I don't have to tell them how much I fucking suck as a person and a firstborn son.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Ruminating and obsessive thought intrusion So basically in the wake of the Weinstein sexual abuses I was reminded of what was a disgusting prank played against me on a “guy’s holiday”. And at the time, even though peeved, I just kind of shrugged it off but now the more I think and ruminate on it - this was seven years ago - I can’t help but be overcome with anger and intrusive thoughts on the matter. The thing is, this isn’t a first for me, and I often dwell on old matters over and over again. So I feel like I am maybe a sufferer of ocd and my brain will never just let me relax. So how do I deal with these negative thoughts? One idea was to just let it pass and move on to the next infraction to obsess over. Please don’t ask me for details of the “prank” because it’s not something I’d like to go into detail over. Edit: just disgusting hazing rituals
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self.depression
|
I don't really know what to do or how to feel, or if this even belongs on this Subreddit. I've been struggling on and off with depression for 8 years, since I was 14. As of late it's been low after low after low. I've tried to get help, but we all know that the mental health system in this country is a fucking joke. I've called about 4 different psychologists and 6 psychiatrists and I'm on 3 waiting lists. So I'm TRYING to get help. I've been trying to get help because these past two weeks have been hell. I had already been dealing with the fallout of my grandfather's death two months prior, when my fiance decides to call things off and break up with me. That just triggered me into a whole other level of depression. Even though he isn't speaking to me about anything to do with the fallout of this relationship, he called me two days ago, crying and begging me not to take my life. Unbeknownst to him, I had thought about taking my life but I called the suicide hotline and someone talked me out of doing so. He calls begging me to reconsider what I'm about to do and says that he couldn't live with the guilt if I did end up going through with it.
So here is where it gets tricky: apparently he reached out to my friend (who has been a darling throughout this entire ordeal and is making sure that I am following through with getting the treatment that I need) and essentially threatened my friend, saying that she needs to help me because if she doesn't that she knows of my plans and if I commit suicide and they know about it, they can face criminal charges. Not sure if there's any laws in the books like that where I'm from (I'm from IL) but what's bugging me is the fact that he called me worried and concerned and BEGGED me to reconsider my plans and get treatment, but he's doing it to cover his ass and make sure he doesn't get jail time if it's applicable to him. I'm starting to think that he isn't fully behind me getting treatment for the right reasons, and if that's the case, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't know if I should call him and confront him about this and think about how that would make me feel, or if I should let it slide if it is the case and just not worry too much about the intentions but rather worry about that everyone is coming together to make sure that I get help. How should I feel about this? What should I even do? Should I even worry about this at all, or should I just focus on getting the help that I need?
|
self.depression
|
question about sleeping pills this isn't about suicide or anything, just wondering how many sleeping pills will knock me out fast and hard without hurting my stomach. idk if this is the right place for this but i'm a depressed motherfucker sooo
|
self.depression
|
My brother has depression and I don't know what to do.. I've suffered with Depression myself and managed to help myself out of it on my own; however, I know it's different for everyone. My brother has been to the therapy to treat his depression but he is still struggling and I don't know what to do. He always believes that there's no light at the end of the tunnel and that he'll never be happy no matter what he does. He even said he can't even take his own life because that would be to selfish of him, in other words he's only alive because he has to be for my family. You can tell him one thing to make him feel better like " You"re not alone" or something that is very similar to the way he feels and he will completely dismiss it. please I don't know what to do.. I don't want to lose my brother..
|
self.depression
|
My birthday's today Last year was depressing as hell, and I still have no friends, but I'm looking forward to spending the day with my family. Hopefully they care.
|
self.depression
|
Emotional Support Dog Hi guys. Yesterday a friend who also suffers from pretty severe anxiety suggested an emotional support dog as a way to help with my anxiety. I've found the perfect dog, but need to get a certification letter since my apartment doesn't allow pets. My therapist is an MSW, LCSW. Does she qualify to be able to "prescribe" me an emotional support dog, or do I have to go to a psychiatrist? I can find these things out tomorrow when their offices open, but surprise, surprise, I'm anxious to know the answer. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Whats your favorite fidget toy? I have a couple of fidget things, but my favorite is my tangle toy - which looks like this https://imgur.com/a/4L0CF
I wanna hear about other peoples favorite toys, so tell me all about them!
|
self.Anxiety
|
Jobless and stuck. I moved to a new town across the country about 6 months ago, with my new husband. We've been together for several years, but we just got married. Anyway, I feel this has been one of the worst periods of my life. I am currently taking meds, but they only seem to barely lift me out of the deep, dark pit I'm in. Not currently seeing a therapist although I've wanted to as previously it's helped.
I'm a designer by trade, and was happy at the job I previously worked at but had to leave. I miss it. Finding a new job is a gigantic hurdle for me. Although I'm not in the lowest of the lows that I've ever felt, I do feel a whole lot of nothing. If anything, I feel worthless, incapable of tackling this challenge. The wall seems insurmountable. "But all I have to do is send out applications." But I can't. I feel so anxious at the prospect of a recruiter calling me. I freeze up. My mind instantly goes to "you'll never get a job, your work is shit, don't even bother" and I'm sad to say it's a hard thought to challenge.
I really hate not working. I feel like I'm going stir crazy in this apartment while my husband works at his dream job. I suppose there's a little bitterness there, whether I want to admit it or not. I guess I'm just really stuck. I don't know how to feel better. I don't know how to believe in myself. I don't think I am mentally capable of exerting the energy and discipline necessary to make things better and take control of my life. I am so blocked by my mental illness.
|
self.depression
|
Basically this is just something that I keep in myself and never let out to anyone. Nothing serious just something that I need to let out once in a while I am just feeling exhausted as I getting more and more unsure of myself. I just stopped loving the things that I used to enjoy and everything just don't feel right anymore. It's hard to fall down, breaking apart and then picked myself up all by myself for God knows how many time is it.
I really want to rely on someone but that feeling to be a burden to other people really shuts out the feeling where I need to reach out to them. Even to my best friend, I never tell them the full story. The things that I told other people was actually just the tip of the iceberg compared to what was inside. But the pathetic thing is, I don't even know what exactly wrong inside me.
Sometimes I think that I just don't want to show them how vulnerable I am. That's why the more broken I feel, the brighter I smile. But then, yeah when no one is around I would broke into tears. Maybe in the shower, toilet, or even before I sleep. That should exclude the time where I'm weeping because of a drama though! (cause that time I was really into the plot lol)
At the end of the day, I just hope that I could still carry on. And I just hope that I just don't lose myself anymore. Yes, I know my experience was nothing compared to the others but anyway thank you for taking your time to read this.
xoxo
SISNA
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self.offmychest
|
Forgot my sSRI for a week, is that bad? I'm at family for the holiday and I forgot my celexa at home. Will probably ~1 week without it. Will I be OK or should I try to get some?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I wish I could actually go through with it I can think of dozens of ways to die, and for each and every one of those, I can think of at least two why that specific plan is terrible. And no matter how I go, there will always be people inconvenienced at best, or hurt at worst.
Two dozen reasons not to kill myself, is not the same as having two dozen reasons to live. I don't have any of those. I just exist, and continue to exist for no other reason than that dying takes effort, that people would be inconvenienced, that the success rates are too low.
Everyone around me knows I'll never be able to take my own life. And that, combined with me dragging myself through the motions of every day life of work, eat, shower, sleep somehow means everything should be fine. That I'm somehow not constantly falling apart. Because I'm not a direct threat to myself or to others, and I'm doing my duties as a good little borg drone, my pain doesn't matter.
All anyone ever does is throw platitudes at me, "find something you enjoy", "try everything and see what sticks", "just keep doing what you're doing". Even the bloody therapist can't do anything different. It's all nothing but bullshit. Nothing like that exists, I don't know what 'happiness' is. The closest I've ever gotten was comfort. And that situation only ended up blowing up in my face. "You can find that again" they say, knowing full well that I can't. I can't meet the requirements for that specific circumstance. And even worse, I don't even want to. Every time I get caught up in that I get hurt. Me and people don't mix. Me and people shouldn't mix.
Without hopes, or dreams, anything to make it worth it. All the inane bullshit of every day life just becomes a burden without a purpose. I can't 'work towards' anything, because I don't want anything. I can't even work towards making things 'better' because I don't fucking know what that looks like. Feeling less shit? All that leads to is apathy, that still doesn't make it worth it.
Hopefully some day soon I'll actually break, and either something will kill me, or I stop giving a damn about who I inconvenience. There's nothing in this life for me except continuously fighting myself without ever getting anything out of it.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
depression and crying all day at work How do I stop this?
It's so embarrassing. I took the day off to try and figure out my emotions and feel a little better but it looks like I'm just ending up crying all day at home.
Yesterday a coworker walked up to me to tell me how pretty I looked and tears started coming out. It's like don't even look at me or I'll start. I have no reason to cry by the way, I just do. I told her I was just feeling under the weather and I was fine, she's nice so I don't feel too bad as if it was someone else.
How do I stop crying? What do I tell people if I do?
The truth is off the table though, I don't even want to mention depression. One day at lunch we were talking about the florida school shooting and they concluded he was psychotic and bipolar and just needed to take his meds. Then we work with a psychologist and she said bipolar people can be perfectly normal on meds and only go 'insane' when off them. Not to mention there is a woman they think is bipolar, and they always talk about how she's off her meds and she needs to get her act straight. She's obviously not bipolar, I've even talked with her, she's just grieving a devastating loss so her emotions are a little out of wack.
|
self.bipolar
|
I believe it is more positivity and less negativity in being single than having a love-relationship with someone. I believe people have a lot more problems in love-relationships than being single. I love that I can do whatever I want when I am single, so I have decided that I want to be single the rest of my life.
|
self.offmychest
|
To the postman in the Staples parking lot You are a HERO. And I really hope you see this to know that your act of kindness made my day. I went to Staples with my toddler in tow to drop off USPS and UPS packages. Unbeknownst to me Staples stopped accepting packages from USPS about three months ago. Well being this was our third “must” stop today he was so so done with life if I tried to bring him another place a catastrophic meltdown was basically a guarantee. I loaded him and the packages in the car when you popped around your truck. I can’t believe you turned around when i called. I have no idea if you broke policy taking packages from some crazy woman in a parking lot but I am so so so grateful you did. Thank you a thousand times. I don’t think you truly know how much you helped me.
|
self.offmychest
|
I'm having mental breakdowns and there's nowhere I can get away to. Alright, long story, so just skip to the bottom if you don't want to deal with it.
So, I was homeless until about 6 months ago, when my stepdad, who I was estranged from, found out about my situation and took me into his home. I know beggars can't be choosers, but this home situation is actually just as bad as being homeless, save for the fact that I get to eat.
Now, a quick background- this house is a rather small trailer, occupied by 6 people- My stepfather, his girlfriend, my stepbrother, his half-sister, and my stepfather's girlfriend's child from a previous marriage. For the sake of confidentiality, I will be calling them by Dan, Stacey, Sean, Carmen, and Anne (not their real names).
Whereas, when I was homeless, I could simply sit on my street corner and know I would not be disturbed, whereas, in this house, I have no peace whatsoever. I cannot sleep because the children are up all night, fighting and screaming about inane shit, as children do. Because of this, I run on about 3 hours of sleep a day. As someone who is already in bad health, this simply makes my situation worse.
Sean is the oldest. He is spoiled beyond belief, and, despite being almost 15 years old, goes into crying fits punctuated by physical violence at the slightest provocation. This child also shares a room with me, and will barge in randomly and throw things at me, including heavy objects like computer desks, a deposit box, and a piggy bank directly at my head (I suffer from severe migraines and impaired motor function due to brain trauma i suffered as a child). He also actively mocks me about my abusive parents, as well as randomly taking what little property I have (my computer, my clothes, my phone, whatever food I can steal or that none of the other people in the house eat).
Anne is the best of the children- i say that because while she is ill behaved, she has an excuse. She's only 4. Nevertheless, she constantly comes and wakes me up in the middle of the night, which further fucks with my sleep schedule. She has also walked in on me attempting to commit suicide, which not only has probably scarred that child for life, but has also further exacerbated my guilt complex about my depression. I love Anne to death, but sometimes, on top of the other children, she becomes too much to handle.
And then there's Carmen. Carmen is a 9 year old from hell. Her mother, a drug addict who has no desire to be any part of her life besides her state-mandated once every other month, is a horrible influence on her, and has made sure that her child thinks that violently throwing things, including knives, around the small child, as well as hitting the 4 year old when the latter misbehaves. She also actively mocks me during my depressive breakdowns, which, you guessed it, only makes them worse.
When Dan punishes them (Stacey is firmly in the school that you should not punish your children, either by physical correction or grounding/taking of priveleges), these violent episodes only get worse in Carmen and Sean (Anne, as small children do, simply cries.) They take out their anger on me, and when Stacey gets tired of them screaming and lashing out, she proceeds to lambaste me for not "doing my part" and trying to help corral them. Dan is the only person in the house who actively attempts to help when he sees that the mental strain is getting to me.
It's a shame that it took me grabbing a knife during a manic episode and threatening to kill myself in front of them to get them to shut up for 5 minutes. They went back to fighting after a short silence and attempt at normalcy.
I don't have the money or resources to leave. I don't eat anymore because the children and Stacey shame me for eating the food in the house (I'm 5'11", male, and currently weigh 120 pounds), and I can't get a job or psychiatric aid. I don't have any place in the home where I can be completely cut off from the other children, and, if the landlord knows i am on the property, my stepfather's family will also be evicted along with me.
I don't know what to do.
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self.offmychest
|
Does anyone ever experience bouts of hyper Religiosity? I have bipolar disorder and have never been religious and have never really been convinced by it. However, when I'm in a manic phase, I start to feel very "spiritual" and start reading shit about chakras and healing crystals and whatnot. Has anyone experienced something similar?
|
self.bipolar
|
Weed makes my heart race Hey guys, I have a question for you all. I’ve been blazing for several years and never had a problem before now. Recently whenever I smoke, I’m getting super anxious and my heart starts racing. I haven’t smoked since last night and I still feel kind of anxious / slightly elevated heart rate. Has anyone else had experience with this? I feel like I can’t smoke because it’s making me feel weird. I take 50mg of Zoloft for my anxiety for reference.
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self.Anxiety
|
I hate myself. I don't know what keeps me going anymore. Help me. My whole life I've been afraid of social interactions. I am an only child. My whole life I've been lonely. I could never keep a friend. My family treats me like shit. It always feels like they're against me. I've was involved in several sports programs/karate programs when I was younger, and dropped out of all of them. I feel as if I've failed everything and always will.
I just turned sixteen today. When I was a child, I was really cute. now, I have acne scars and look ugly and horrible. I have only had four girlfriends, and we never even got close. They all either cheated on me or broke up with me. I tried so hard to make myself look nice for girls, but they treated me like I was some kind of creep and made me feel worthless. I was so desperate at one point I attempted to date other boys just to feel appreciated and loved in the slightest, but they also weren't interested in me. Everyone always talked about looking for girlfriends/boyfriends, and didn't even consider me. Hardly anyone ever did.
I've since dropped out of school. I sleep my days away. I'm only awake at night, and I try to stay away from my family. They feel like they failed me, and honestly, I failed myself. I'm six foot tall and a decent build of 162 lbs. Where did I go wrong in life?
I can't stand it anymore. What should I do...? I hate my life but I kind of don't want to die. I just feel like I'm trapped forever.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Family member attempted suicide yesterday. How can I help him? My cousin’s son is 18 or 19, and attempted suicide yesterday. He’s still in the ICU, but it seems he will recover (hopefully!) I don’t have a ton of details, but it seems he took some sort of pills or something. He was unresponsive, and couldn’t breathe without a ventilator.
He has regained consciousness and is breathing on his own, but I don’t think he’s at a better place mentally yet. He is in his first year of college and struggling with a lot of stuff, but has a family that loves him dearly.
So what can I do to help him? Is there anything? Thanks!
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
In case you're feeling down too One day, I will be happy. One day, I will be successful. One day, I will have a family that I am proud of and love. One day, this will all be behind me. One day, I won’t be depressed ever again. One day, I will know that the sun will come out tomorrow and that will mean more than just a cliché saying that feels hollow whenever people say it. One day, I will be happy. And who’s to say I can start on this path to one day tomorrow?
|
self.depression
|
My "life" ended a long time ago I'm posting here because I'm for the most part done with living. Life has nothing to offer me. Never has.
First, I'm going to describe myself so those who will be turned off by talking with someone like me will know up front.
I'm 5'3", about 150, 55 years old, medium-brown skinned female, short small nose, a jutted jaw with thin lips, sunken eyes, a metal hip and cataracts. Face looks flat from the side and people have called me "retard" or "Down syndrome" because of it. I might actually have something wrong with me genetically. I've always had poor muscle tone. So there, I'm ugly, and on top of that, I'm probably a narcissist with schizoid affective disorder, have been hospitalized in medical and mental institutions more than 15 times. I was assaulted in one of the mental institutions.
I have never stopped thinking of committing suicide. I think about it every single day, have done so since my early teens. I was almost successful back in 2011. Worst day ever for the entire world. I should have died then, at least.
Not one person on this earth is compatible with me. Several people have said to me, "Don't nobody want you," and they have been right. Even the guy I was married to and divorced didn't like me for anything but as much money he could spend. I can't think of one family member with whom I've been close. I'm a burden to them all, and that number has always been around five or less.
So, for all of my life, I've been pushed off on people whose job it was to "provide services" to me. Now, even those people don't want the job.
So what's left?
The sooner I'm outta here, the less of a burden I will be, and the better off the world will be.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I feel like I'm constantly on the edge of a panic attack I've been traveling for the past 6+ years outside of the United States for work and I'm getting tired of it, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally. When I go home on my "vacations," it doesn't feel like home. It just feels like another job site now. I already told my boss that I wanna be done travelling overseas by the end of the year, but when I get back to the States, my job will still require me to travel within the States. I honestly want to stay in one place, get my dog, and not travel. I want some normalcy and continuity in my life. The fact that I'm going from 100% OCONUS Travel to 90% CONUS Travel is giving me so much anxiety, I honestly feel like I'm on the edge of a panic attack. Finding a job that pays what I earn in a static location is very hard considering that I don't have a college degree, so switching jobs/careers is almost out of the question. I bought a house, hoping that I could stay locally, but that location "dried up" for work after 12 years. My anxiety is so crazy right now, my head feels like it's being scrubbed by steel wool and metal chips. That's how my anxiety feels like.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I might have cancer. I really, really hope I do. It's looking increasingly likely.
It would be the best thing to ever happen to me.
I'm not going to tell anyone probably, except my best friend who already knows it's possible.
Maybe I'll tell random women for some sympathy fucks if I even care enough at that point.
I'm not going to fight it. When it gets bad, I'll find an easier way out.
I can't wait.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My Parents Divorced & Everything Is Just Getting Worse My mom and dad recently divorced and life is just getting harder for me, im 13 and I have 4 other sisters. Because of the divorce, I have to stay at my mom's friends place which is making me super depressed. My dad was verbally abusive and my mom didn't want to stay in the house with him during the divorce so she took us to her friend's apartment. The girl ( my mom's friends daughter) I share a room with usually ends up trying to talk to me when I just want to be left alone, and judging me and following me around the apartment. The only reason I can handle this situation is with music, it keeps my mind from trying to tell me things so I cant hear anything and im able to block out the unnecessary thoughts. I cant get any space to breath and I have become irritated by every little thing. I don't know if this is normal but I've resorted to killing animals (frogs, birds, bunnies, anything I can get my hands on) to reduce my stress.I almost killed someone's cat (wasn't even my mom's friends cat...im not sure who's it was) kicking its body all over the place and hurting it multiple times. No one has found out about it but I have come back to the apartment absolutely empty feeling...I don't know how to deal with this urge to kill animals and end up relaxing from it. When I get yelled at im sent into the garage, and not allowed to eat...usually, i'll be in there for 4 to 5 hours, sometimes I sneak out tacks out with me and make cut up my skin to make designs on my hands. My mom and sisters now slap me and yell at me when they see me making these little tick mark designs on my hands. It makes me want to do it more. I usually get confused with my own actions and I dont know how to stop it. I wanted to say this stuff cause I've never had anyone to talk to about it... I just joined Reddit a few days ago and I don't really know what im doing. I just needed someone to talk to I guess
|
self.depression
|
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