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When memes get too relatable So there is this copypasta:
I'm an ugly 3/10 beta male with no real discernable positive traits, I'm scared of anything and everything. I'm too timid and anxious to live life like a normal person. I haven't had a friend since was a child and I don't really understand how to even make friends as an adult. My massive inferiority complex has convinced me that everyone else is too good for me. I have nothing that makes me stand out as a desirable partner or friend, so I don't even bother out of fear of hurting myself or wasting somebody else's time. I have no hobbies, no passion, no motivation, no real reason for living, but I'm too cowardly to die, so I crawl lazily from day to day, living in the same rut, doing the same things, hoping something will change and someone will come to save me. Deep down I know the truth, no one can fix me but me, and I'm not capable of doing the job. I can't even perform basic tasks. I want to believe that I'm a good person who is just held back by shyness and anxiety but I know the truth, and the truth is I'm just as ugly on the inside as on the outside. If someone took the time to be my friend or my romantic partner, their life would be tangibly worse by association. All I do is spend my days on the internet, which has long since lost its luster, hoping and praying for someone to take pity on me and see a beauty in me that no one else has ever seen, but I know it isn't going to happen. There is no hidden beauty, no special aspect of me that makes me a worthwhile friend, I'm a mediocre lazy piece of human garbage who is living the unhappy life he deserves. The most realistic option I see for my future is finally working up the guts to pull the trigger and end my life, but I doubt I ever will. I'll be an old man, laying on his deathbed, filled with regret and remorse from a wasted life.
This is basically me, with the exception of the suicidal tendency. I live for memes and video games, at least I have this kind of fun, but other than that, my life is hell. I don't know where to start, so I just drop some random facts about me other than the text: I live on McDonald's coupons (not because I can't afford anything else, I'm just used to this, and I couldn't care less), I easily fall in love with hostesses (because they have to talk to me), so when people get ex-girlfriends, I got ex-crushes, I sleep 12-16 hours a day, also I have absolutely no good idea why am I writing this on my depressed alt account, so I just drop this off as it is now.
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self.depression
|
How could I not have known? (Note: this contains distressing descriptions of body horror and self harm)
So I was diagnosed with bipolar cyclothymia in the spring of 2016. I had always known something was wrong with me, but for whatever reason (well, mainly being a really insecure teenager), I never sought help until I had a really bad episode and almost killed myself.
In retrospect, I am flabbergasted at how long I twiddled my thumbs about my glaring mental illness. The main "what the FUCK were you thinking?"-point was when I found diaries from my teen years, online and in physical form. I've always thought "it wasn't that bad", and I only really remember being a bit depressed, crying and loneliness and the likes. What I don't remember was the times I wrote in my diaries about having spiders under my skin, wanting to tear the skin off my hands, and various truly horrifying things. I even wrote one place that I was feeling "manic". I used that word. And yet, and yet! It took me until I was in my twenties to be diagnosed. I don't think these descriptions stemmed from psychosis as much as high anxiety, racing thoughts and depression/desire to self harm, but they were still really scary to read, and God. I cannot bear to think of a teenager feeling the way I did when I wrote that, being in that much pain, but for so long I experienced this, feeling unable to reach out to anyone.
It was extremely upsetting, and I part wanted to hug my teenage self and part wanted to smack me for being such a fucking dipshit. Too proud to tell anyone you're hurting? Don't be. Good God. Don't sit through that shit, you really don't need to. My life is still far from perfect, but God, how it has improved since those terrible years. I'd take dull depression over constant intrusive thoughts of eating spiders any day (and I had those for weeks, if I recall correctly).
Do you have a moment like this? Where you look back and you're like, why the fuck did I not know? Why did I not do anything? How did no one else see this? How did no one else pick up on this misery?
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self.bipolar
|
Eccedentesiast An "Eccedentesiast" is the one who fakes a smile or represses his pain by stifling a smile. Or you could say a person who hides his feeling behind a smile.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Experiencing so much existential dread lately I'm not as excited as I want to be for Christmas Not too much to this story, just wanted to say it. My family is gonna keep asking me why I'm upset or why I'm not smiling tomorrow, but I'm not sad. Just a little numb to the expectations to act a certain way.
Hope 2018 is better.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I want to drink my life away. I'd so love to just give up and drink myself to death. I love alcohol and I want to drink more often. I want to drink all the time.
I have to keep living for my family. I have to keep living for my girlfriend.
|
self.depression
|
Anyone else compulsively twirl their hair? Hello friends, this may be a long shot, but does anyone else have a compulsive urge to play with, twirl, or pull their hair whenever they are idle?
I am a 21yo male and I've had the bad habit ever since I was a kid to play with my own hair. Just one of those things I never grew out of. Back then it was always the front or top. But lately, in the past 6 months or so, its become more compulsive as my anxiety has increased.
Here's what I do: I use my right hand to grab a tuft of hair towards the back of my head on the right side. I then twist it until it is really tightly wound. Then I play with it with my other hand, using both hands behind my head essentially.
Anyone else have experience with this or growing out of it? I know it's become anxiety related because it's gotten to the point where it is very compulsive and involuntary when I am working or stressing out. It can be pretty embarrassing because I often do it at inappropriate times like in a meeting or talking with others. It can also be a work distraction because I am taking both hands away from my work, essentially stopping what I'm doing. I usually try to wear a hat and over the ear headphones now as it creates an extra step to take it all of before I can start again. I know there are some conditions associated with it, so I plan to talk to my counselor about it next time I see her.
Just wanted to see if there was anyone else here who may have had some suggestions.
Thanks,
MH
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self.Anxiety
|
I just don't know what I want to do. I'm so confused in life. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Memory loss I don't know if it's because of whatever mild depression I have, but for the past few months, I haven't been able to retain the same mental capacity I used to have. I can't remember as many details about people, and I feel like I'm not fully processing what I learn in school. I become easily overwhelmed with new information, I can't seem to apply what people have been trying to teach me, and it's difficult for me to try to be logical because my mind just hits a wall or goes blank. I can't trust myself to remember anything so I write everything down so I don't have to try and remember. I'm almost certain if I tried to remember my assignments or daily tasks I would forget very important ones.
Has anyone else experienced this? Is this actually a depression thing? I don't know anymore.
|
self.depression
|
I feel like I have plenty of reasons to be happy, but... I'm just not. Like, seriously, all things considered, my life doesn't seem that bad. I like my family, I'm relatively wealthy for my age (early 20s), I guess I can be somewhat attractive on a good day too.
I very recently got my degree in computer science too. I feel like I should be happy about that. But I don't really care.
Ever since I moved out of my parents' house -- since I discovered "the real world", I guess -- I've become increasingly pessimistic and apathetic. I care less and less about people. I struggle to find new hobbies that interest me. My last internship kind of killed my motivation to get a job in IT (it was really bad).
Today I spent like 3/4 of my day just sighing on my couch, doing nothing. I'm still not sure exactly why, but I couldn't find the motivation for anything.
I just want to like things. I'm tired of faking enthusiasm when I really don't care. I want to have a positive outlook on the world. But right now, I mostly ...feel bad sometimes, and feel nothing most of the time, if that makes sense.
I'm not necessarily looking for advice or anything, I mostly wanted to rant. I hope this isn't the wrong sub. Thanks for reading.
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self.depression
|
Night time once more my friends Nightly post to wish everyone a great night sleep and fortitude for tomorrow. Lets enjoy this quiet night and embrace it, no one will bother us now, lets treasure this time and enjoy ourselves before the coming storm that is our daily life.
Good night my friends, stay safe!
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self.depression
|
apologizing to my ex for sexual assault My boyfriend (24m) and I (23m) broke up two months ago after being together for four years. During our relationship, I would touch him/fondle his genitals while he was just waking up/still asleep. I was also pushy with the topic of sex because I wasn’t feeling validated. He had a hard time maintaining an erection and when this happened I would shut down and not communicate because I wasn’t sure what to say or do. Sometimes i would cry, others I would explain to him that I didn’t feel attractive enough. I know these are not excuses.
The nature of the breakup wasn’t about this, and the issue has been discussed a year ago in counseling after which I made changes to my behavior moving forward.
We agreed to have minimal contact for two months and meet up to talk about it. I learned he is still struggling with this through a blog post of his. When we were making arrangements to speak, I let him know everything is on his terms and comfort level. I’ve written the below letter that I plan to read when I meet him in person and would like some constructive criticism. I want this to be beneficial to him if there’s any way I can ease some of his pain and help him heal.
“First, I want you to have the platform you need to talk about anything and everything you need to.
[I want him to have the opportunity to say anything he needs to me here]
I wrote this down in order to hold myself accountable and not allow for my emotions to get in the way of what I need to and want to say.
I deeply apologize for the way that I treated you throughout the duration of our relationship.
There are many times I reacted on my own feelings of insecurity, anxiety, and fear. I mistreated you, disrespected boundaries, and violated your trust. This was all on an emotional and physical level. I pressured the topic of sex when you didn’t want to talk about it. I touched you when you did not consent in the morning while you were still asleep or in a dazed state. Even though I stopped when told, I should have never done this at all in the first place. This was all unfair and selfish of me to do. I should have approached our conversations with more of a willingness to listen and had a deeper respect for your autonomy, instead of trying to desperately explain what I was feeling and expecting you to sacrifice yourself to make me happy. I thought I was expressing my emotions to you but now realize not every emotion needs to be expressed, especially if doing so will make the other person feel guilty, hurt, or unappreciated.
We addressed this all last year when we first recognized that we needed to pay closer attention to the problems we were going through during couples counseling. I hope you were able to see that from that time, I really did try to make an effort to change my unhealthy behavior. I worked on becoming better and more conscious of your boundaries. However, this is not about me. It is about taking ownership and holding myself accountable for these actions and atoning for them so you can heal.
I hope you are able to see that I did truly love you. I did want to do whatever I could for you to bring you happiness. I didn’t always verbalize my feelings and appreciation for you but I tried to show them through doing things like cooking dinner, thinking of thoughtful gifts, and planning outings and celebrations. I tried to be a sounding board for you and didn’t always provide feedback because I thought what you needed was to let things out. I did genuinely care for you and want you to be happy. I still do.
There were times that I felt lonely and isolated in our relationship, like we hit a standstill and I was trying to drag you along into the future I envisioned for the both of us. I tried to show love in the same way that love was shown to me, but it took a lot of deep self-reflection to realize that wasn’t always love. I was reacting to my own feelings of insecurity that stemmed from different things in our relationship. I was craving validation that I didn’t think I was getting and I was in pain by it because I didn’t feel special. I realize that because of my parents separation at such an influential age, I have a difficult understanding of how happy relationships function and how couples should deal with conflict. These are the reasons for how I reacted and acted out towards you, but I need to emphasize that that these are NOT excuses.
There is nothing I can do to change the past, no matter how much I want to relieve you of the pain I’ve caused. I am making the changes I need to in my life to become a better person and to avoid ever doing this to another person that I love in the future. I will actively speak out against mistreatment of intimate partners including all kinds of sexual assault, educate the people in my life of the warning signs, and how to prevent it from happening.
I have been going to weekly therapy sessions to help me understand the root of my problems and confront them to permanently change my poor behavior. I also found a structured batterers intervention/domestic violence prevention program to enroll myself in for more specialized help and education.
I have done these harmful things and I cannot take them back. I am filled with guilt and shame about this. I deserve to feel guilt, but I am working on overcoming the shame. This is not who I am, it’s something I’ve done. This will not be part of my identity, but a mark of my past that reminds me of how scary being disconnected can be, and a reminder that my actions affect others, not only myself. I do not want to live in insecurity and resentment anymore - these are the feelings that were behind many of my harmful actions.
Hurting you is the biggest regret of my life because I hurt the person who I loved the most.
Though I would feel comfort in your forgiveness, I know you are not obligated to give it. You are strong, and I know you can and will heal from this. Your experiences are valid and real. You have been such a valuable figure in the most transformative period of my life and I would be honored to be given the chance to move on from this and somehow maintain a friendship with you in the future, but I understand that has to be on your terms.
Thank you for teaching me that I can genuinely care about another and showing me that I can be vulnerable even though I am scared to death of being hurt. Thank you for holding me when my sister got sick and letting me hold you when your parents discovered our texts, the church outed you, and when your grandmother passed. Thank you for allowing me to feel not so alone in a world that was way too scary and for showing me how to reflect on myself and address the pieces of me that I don’t like. I will move on from this and develop skills to identify clear expectations, differences in goals, how to express what I want from my relationships, and develop a deeper respect for boundaries.
Ultimately I wanted you to know that I am acknowledging the mistreatment and violation, and facing my problems head-on. I am not yet the person I want to be, but I refuse to go back to the person I used to be. I hope this is able to bring you some peace, ease some pain, and lift some of the weight off of your shoulders, that is the most important take-away from this letter. Again, all of your experiences are valid and real. I am open to talk more if you want to and offer any support I can give to help you move on from this. I genuinely want nothing but the best for you moving forward. I still love you dearly and that will never change, but I understand I can no longer be in love with you. You deserve all the happiness in the world, just like anybody else, actually even more.”
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self.offmychest
|
Tips needed - You know how some people can’t shower when their depression is really bad? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
What’s a drug that I can overdose on that is easily accessible? Preferably over the counter, I’m desperate. And how much of it would I need to take? I’m not seeking help nor am I seeking attention, I’m just tired of life. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Is it reasonable to look into disability services at my university for BP? BP has no doubt affected my progress/grades for the worse, causing me to fail one class and withdraw from another this last semester. Both of these classes stemmed from the fact that I was legitimately *afraid* to go to class for fear of the interactions with people I didn't know, let alone being called on in a class of 90 people (this thought alone would cause me anxiety sitting in bed at home).
But is there anything to gain from contacting Disability Services about accommodations for bipolar disorder? I mean, is there a precedent for this? If I asked about it, would I be told there's nothing they can do?
I just have no reference point when it comes to this. I don't know what they would be able to do. Is it common for other people with bipolar to receive disability services?
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self.bipolar
|
Just sick of people thinking they know everything and their selfishness I'm tired of people being so selfish all the time. Especially the know it alls who tell everyone how to be when their own lives are a disaster. Also, just because I'm a man who raises my child alone doesn't mean that those without kids you can tell me anything about raising kids. Anyway, people suck.
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self.offmychest
|
I thought I was getting better, broke down over something stupid [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Anyone taking both a mood stabilizer and antidepressant? So I've been struggling with my Mania lately. I think it's been almost 6 months that I've been on Lamictal. I honestly can't tell if its working because while I noticed I'm being more social and outgoing... I still have A LOT of bad bouts of mania.
Now, for the most part, I don't really feel like I've ever dealt with depression much, but a lot of people I've spoken too say I do show off some symptoms.
Most mornings it does take me a while to drag my self out of bed or get started on my day. I do notice I feel a bit down in the mornings as well.
I've talked to a few friends who are also bipolar and they were shocked I wasn't on an antidepressant. I mentioned this to my therapist who was also shocked because she hasn't had a single client whos bipolar that isn't on both a Mood Stabilizer and Antidepressant.
I went to my Psychiatrist and mentioned to her that I wanted to be put on both and also was considering Wellbutrin because it was suggested by my therapist and a few friends. She was in complete shock I wanted an Antidepressant because she told me "Lamictal mostly works for depression, it doesn't do much for mania. I don't see a point on putting you on it but if you really want to we can try. Just warning you if it doesn't work it could make you more manic."
I'm now taking 300mg of Lamictal and just started 175mg of Wellbutrin for exactly 1 week.
Is this seriously a bad combo? What do I do if it really doesn't work?
I'm just extremely frustrated cause I told my Psych that I pretty much experience Mania on the regular and it can get very bad and she prescribed me Lamictal.
Idk I just want to start feeling better. I'm already taking the steps to go completely sober, I'm cutting out toxic people in my life, spending more time around the ones who make me happy, I'm eating clean AF and exercising 6 days a week. I've literally run through everything I eat, drink, as well as supplements I take to see if those are adding to my mania. I've even quit smoking weed which hasn't been easy but I'm doing it.
Like what do I do now? I know the best route is to wait for the meds and see how it works but I'm honestly just so tired and so frustrated. Mania is a bitch and on a good day I can get a lot of shit done and seem "normal" but on a bad day all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs or watch porn nonstop or binge eat or just cry.
I guess this is a bit of a rant but I'd love some input from anyone in this situation.
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self.bipolar
|
I am done with this life. I have had enough of everything. there is nothing in this world I want anymore. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
My girlfriend of 3 years cheated, then we somewhat got back together. Now she's ignoring me. I want to die. I’m hoping nobody reads this, because it is pathetic, badly written, and long.
But if you do, I apologize in advance.
My (ex) girlfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. We were best friends, although I had my doubts about the relationship.
She and her family were always pushy about us getting married. Her family was pushy about it from the first month. I was her first serious boyfriend. This all made me nervous, but I loved her all the same.
We never argued once. We were super comfortable with each other, even though I lived an hour away, and worked nightshift. It was hard, but any time I was off, I would stay at her place. She eventually became neighbors with my best friend and his fiancé. Everything was great, she became best friends with my buddy’s fiancé, so we would all have a good time anytime I was there.
Then came this summer. Our anniversary is in September. I had planned an extravagant weekend getaway to the beach, and she was super excited about it, and I got a great deal since I had planned months in advance. Then, the day before we were supposed to leave for the trip, she tells me she doesn’t want to go. Of course, I’m pissed. She tells me she would rather tailgate at the college football game instead. It wasn’t a big game, and none of her friends were in town. I had dropped thousands on this trip, and now it was too late to cancel, so I was pretty upset about it. I told her to stay (after begging her to come with me) and tailgate, but I couldn’t stand to waste that much money on a trip and it not get used. So I brought a buddy from work on the trip.
Understandably, she is mad. Hell, I’m mad too. We talk it out while I’m on the trip, and I get back and everything is fine. Everything goes back to normal, and things are great. Then about a month later, a (guy) friend of hers from school calls her and says that he’s got a job opening at the hospital he works at and wants to know if she would be interested in applying. I guess it’s worth mentioning that she currently commutes an hour away (from where she lives, and an hour away from me), and hates her job.
Now, I knew this guy from her time in school, he was engaged, and seemed like a pretty nice dude. She’s kind of leery about applying for the job, since it’s 4 hours away, but I told her to apply anyway, and she will either like it, or would be able to leverage it for better pay at her current job. She agreed.
The day before her job interview, I’m helping her prepare when she asks me if it would be okay if she grabbed dinner with her friend that got her the interview. I remembered he was engaged, and his fiancé would probably join them for dinner. I had no issue with it, so I said okay.
The day of her interview (Friday), I told her good luck before going to bed (remember, I work nights and this was my weekend to work.). She gets out of the interview and tells me how she did. She really enjoyed the place, and thinks she nailed the interview. I congratulate her, and she tells me that she’s going to dinner and that she will text me.
That’s it, nothing else from her, until Monday. I tried calling, and texting. Hell, I even had my friends check on her, but she wasn’t home. I can’t leave or skip work because I’m out of vacation.
Monday morning, I knew she had to work. I get off from my shift, and called her. She finally answers and tells me that she wants to break up. This was soul crushing for me. It felt like it came out of nowhere. I asked her why, and she won’t give me a straight answer. I told her to think things through clearly, prepare what she wanted to say, and call me when she is on the road to work, otherwise she would be late.
She never called me back. Finally I receive a text around lunch time. She tells me she got drunk with the guy she went to dinner with, and kissed him. He then asked her back to his house, and she said no. She called one of her high school friends to pick her up. She stayed with her, and then they both went to the guys house the next day to watch football. she stayed one more night and went home.
I asked her if the reason she never responded to anything was because she was ashamed, and she said yes. Then I asked her, if she was so ashamed about what she did, why did she go *back* to his house, and not come home. She couldn’t give me an answer. We stopped talking.
A week goes by, and none of my friends or family knows about this. I’m (for some reason) worried about her. I text her and we talked. She asks me to come down one night and get my stuff. I suggest we get something to eat, and maybe grab a drink so we can talk.
We get drunk, cry, and fuck. I stayed with her all weekend. I know I shouldn’t have, but I loved her. This goes on for another month. We finally agree to tell our family and friends about us breaking up, all the while I’m still sneaking over to her place. It was exciting, and the sex was better than it had been for a year.
Then one weekend my friends invite me to their place for the night to drink, watch football and to talk. I haven’t talked to them at all about this and they were worried. I go to their place and they asked me what happened. I explain to them everything except the part where we were sneaking around. Apparently, they had been given a different story from her. She had stayed with the guy all weekend, and that they had crushes on each other since she was in school.
This made me want to die. I probably drunk dialed her all night. I tried going to her apartment, but she wasn’t there.
The next morning, I went to her apartment and confronted her. I asked her to explain to me what happened that weekend one more time. She said that they had gone to dinner, and she kissed him. I asked her if she was drunk (like she had claimed before) and she said no. I asked her if she had stayed with him and she confessed that she had, but nothing else happened. Well, except for them making out once they had left the bar and got to his place, but nothing sexual had happened.
I didn’t believe her for a second. I left and didn’t talk to her for a week. Except I still cared deeply for her. It was so painful to not talk to her. I finally broke down and we talked. We’ve been talking for 2 weeks. We went to dinner and saw a movie another night, then I stayed at her apartment one night. Then yesterday, she stops talking to me while in a text conversation. She’s ignored me and her phone sends me to voicemail. She's made my friends ignore me too. I have no one.
I want to die.
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self.offmychest
|
Fooled again Started seeing a therapist for once a week right before christmas and followed up for the first time. Actually felt good. I am cured now yeah Im a new person this is great. So stupid. Guess I never learn. Today Im sad as fuck for no reason again and yesterday a nerve wreck ibs flairing fuck it all.
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self.bipolar
|
Would anyone like to be friends? It feels bad when you're this lonely that you have to post on this specific subreddit to actually just seek some interaction. Another pointless post, sorry for taking up some space.
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self.depression
|
17, girlfriend is pregnant, I love her, and I want to join the military There's just a lot on my plate. I love her and don't want to leave her but It's been my dream as a kid and it can help us so much. It wouldn't even happen for a few years until I can get things in order with my child, money and love wise. I just got off an hour long phone call with her and I crying and yelling at each other talking bad about each other. I'm just sitting here, wanting to cry. They might not care about her until we're married, which I've always planned to do, but they'll care about my kid.
I don't know
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self.offmychest
|
If someone compliments you, for Gods sake don't reject it! You know what my number one pet peeve is, more than almost anything? When I say something like "You're good looking" or "You're an interesting person" and they react by going "No I'm not!" or anything along those lines. Yeah, I know you're probably trying to be humble, but there's so many things that's just shit for the person who's paying the compliment!
A) It's insulting. You're literally just straight up saying "You're lying" basically.
B) It makes me feel like I shouldn't bother saying anything in the future, since it seems like I'm worse off for saying anything.
C) It's awkward. How the hell do I reply to that? If I say "No, you really are good looking" you'll probably just deny it again. If I just carry on the conversation, then it'll probably just come off like I'm admitting that I was lying. What the fuck do you want from me?
D) It's just an unattractive reaction to a compliment. I get that you probably don't wanna go "Yeah I'm #totally# hot!", but you can take a compliment without coming off like that easily. Just go "Thank you!" or in a jokey way or with your own compliment or almost ANYTHING really!
If you do this, please stop. Nobody likes it.
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self.offmychest
|
The older I've grown, the less happy I am. I wasn't a popular kid back in highschool. I had a few friends at school, and close friends outside. Back then, I wasn't really happy too.
I got into troubled relationships that ended bad, made the people I cared about sad. But I miss the "Whimsical" of highschool, I wouldn't return to highschool even if you made me, but I missed it. The innocent of teenage life I guess. Everything was new and crazy, I didn't have responsibilities.
Now it's different. I have to get a job, play less and more work. College is.. lonely, I have acquaintances, but I don't really care about them after class.
And on top all of that, I'm starting to feel the weight of my dad's smoking habit. Just everyday waking up, fearing he'd be sick, he's 56 last month, and everyday he'd get older and older. My brother is a total failure and I couldn't care enough to give a shit about him anymore. I'm depressed reddit... More than before. There's this hole in my chest and I don't know how to fill it up. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm scared of the future... Scared of my father leaving me so early... Scared of the loneliness. Back then I could cry, but now it's just an empty hole inside. How can I solve something that I have no control of ?
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self.depression
|
Lost my job 2 months ago resulting in nightmares and panic attacks So I lost my job due to cutbacks. First month, total depression and suicidal thoughts. After that, every night I wake up from the same nightmare, being lost in an unfamiliar land and I have no idea how to get back. I wake up and realize that is almost the same as I'm going through in reality. I am not on top of things. Also the panic attacks.. I never used to have panic attacks but i certainly do now. Heart beating like I'm going to die and out of breath. I do meditation on a daily basis but every night the nightmare returns along with the panic.
If you have any thoughts, I'd love to hear them.. and please don't tell me I need a job. That would fix everything but being over 50 and unemployed, makes it difficult to get one..
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self.Anxiety
|
Watched at least 2 people die yesterday My friend and I grabbed our boards and skated to the pizza place a few blocks down from my house. We left with our food after 10 minutes of waiting. On the way home, a car speeds past us at a dangerous speed. He makes a right, then turns a corner and immediately my friend heard a loud bang. He shouts to me "Dude that was a car crash! Should we check it out?"
Reluctantly, we rode to the end of the street. We turned the corner, and the scene was far worse than we expected. Both cars were completely destroyed and smoking. I thought we were just gonna watch to people arguing with each other. What we saw was a man lying on the ground making guttural noises, and another man crouched over him, yelling "You're gonna be okay, you're gonna make it, stay with me". A shirtless, drunk looking man stumbles away, apparently he was trying to leave the scene. The only other conscious person in the accident comes and grabs his arms, turns him around and restrains him, yelling "YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE MOTHERFUCKER, YOU JUST KILLED MY WIFE!". Police arrived on the scene and we left.
I'm a bit shaken up. Needed to post this somewhere.
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self.offmychest
|
I miss my dog He passed away suddenly several months ago. He wasn't just a dog, he was my service dog. He had my back, calmed my anxieties, and made it possible for me to relax.
Since his death I've been unable to sleep more than a few hours at a time regardless of the extra help I use to try (alcohol, pills, etc). Downward depression spiral. I've gone from relatively stable to living in a van. Pretty fast down words spiral and it's going to be a long time before I can afford to get a new one. Lots of people think they are free but I assure you that's not really the case.
I really miss you buddy, your sudden death tore my entire world and heart apart.
RIP
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self.depression
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My sister has made our lives a living hell. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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has anyone called the suicide hotline? what are your experiences with them?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I can't seem to figure this one out, are most people non confrontational or passive aggressive at their worst? Every time I've confronted someone over their bad behavior towards me or others they act surprised? [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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What is a the point in living? I feel like there is no benefit to continuing. Everything in my life is just a step to survival but why survive? I don't feel like I have family or true friends or a future. I'm scared of a long painful death. I truly do wish I could go jump off a tall height with an assurance of death.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Being the issue Often times, the world around us is the cause of depression, but oftentimes I find that a lot of the things im depressed over or regret to the core, are things that I did myself, of my own free will. How does one cope with the fact that everything they ever do or attempt in life is a futile attempt to regain control and always crumbles?
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self.depression
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Is anyone else convinced they’re about to be fired and have their life fall apart? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Think I decided on how I would go if I ever finally decided to take the leap and pull the trigger. See what I did right there?... Eh.. Gallow's humor.
Which brings me to the topic of this post. I think I've come to the decision that if I ever did decide to finally just end it, I think I am gonna go with hanging. A lot of people go that way. It isn't messy, and it probably isn't too painful. Especially after a few beers and you are already just ready to pass out, just pass out with a belt around the neck and you're all set.
I don't see myself killing myself. Not yet, I don't think I have hit that point and I know this subreddit is aimed towards those ready to make that step, but I really don't know where else to just let loose with all the thoughts in my head.
Like, I get talking to people on PM and shit like that, but sometimes it feels good to just yell it out to the world.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Stopped taking antidepressants I felt they lied me. I started to feel good with myself but i shouldn't. Im lazy ugly fat piece of sh*t. I should be dead.
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self.SuicideWatch
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hard to see the point of living i'm at a pretty low point, i've just been finding it really hard to find a reason to live, life just seems too hard at this point and i can't imagine myself ever becoming independent and feeling alive and happy enough to support myself financially. i am 18 and i know it's sooo early to say this, and i'm sorry if i offend anyone and make them feel angry, but i need some place to vent a bit. all my friends reply to me with anger and that i need to stop being so negative, and obviously that's not helpful at all. i could go on and on about how much i hate myself but that would probably be the length of a book.. life really fucking sucks lmao
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self.depression
|
How accessible is your psychiatrist? I’ve been using the same guy on (and mostly off) for over 20 years. He’s in a pain in the ass location and only uses the phone for communication. I find that frustrating as not only does my depression and anxiety make it difficult to even start to reach out to him, I end up having to leave a voicemail and then we end up in a game of phone tag. He won’t do email. I’m going to switch becuase of these reasons. Does your psychiatrist make it easy on you to commuicate with them via email, SMS, or their portal?
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self.depression
|
Buspar and zoloft? I figured this would be the best subreddit to ask this question on so here I go. Any who I've always had anxiety for the longest time and there was a good like 4-5 year period where I was content with my life and it just wasnt there, but now for the past 2 years it has come back. At first I tried to get it under control with just therapy and I did just not to the extent I wanted it because I would still worry a shit ton. And after about months of debating to go on meds like I was when I was younger I thought, fuck it, it may help. Which I guess in some ways it has. I tried Effexor first and that stuff was a no no made me hella anxious so I was like nope and went to zoloft which I was previously on when I was younger. Right now I'm at 100mg which seems to be good enough like obviously I still have the anxiety and sometimes it's fine but other times like now as I'm typing this I have it. I also ocd and hypochondria a shit ton and that doesn't help at all.
I just wanted to toss that little bit of info up there but basically what I'm asking for is that should I add the buspar to the zoloft? Like I've had the prescription for a while now but I just haven't started taking it and I'm scared to for some reason, It may help me greatly or it may not do anything. I just want other people's input on this because I still have the anxiety and maybe this will completely drop it almost to the point of there being none at all. I would be taking the lowest dose two times a day and the doctor said that I can take 1 pill a day just to see how I feel for a couple days and then start adding the others. But I Just want peoples input on this because it's a back and forth indescisive battle that is preventing me from doing it.
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self.Anxiety
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How do you let go of a toxic state of mind? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I have no right to want to die. Im 16, and honestly, my life is not horrible. I have loving parents who do not fight, a calm brother, 4 pets, clean clothes, food on my table. I have my own car, phone, computer and all the game systems I want. I'm spoiled. Mind you, I do work for things, my parents are not fond of simple giving, but work I do to earn, others my age just have to do, with nothing in return besides the basic necessities. I have a job, I work at Del Taco, everyone there is nice.
Despite being in the most ideal situation I could be, I don't want to be apart of it anymore. Depression and anxiety absolutely destroyed my ability to gain an education. My parents took me out of public school and into an expensive online program, but my procrastination, pure laziness, and the fact that I am genuinely always tired, I don't do my work. I no longer feel a sense of pride from doing anything, so that drive is completely gone. I've been working at my job a little over a week, and I've already taken two sick days and I'm tired and ready to quit. I can not consistently keep up with anything for more than a week before I get tired and basically give up. I eat usually 1 meal a day, and by meal its usually junk food. I don't drink enough liquids. I don't exercise. I know why i'm depressed. I'm completely aware of all the problems in my life and understand how to fix them, but I don't. I don't have it in me. The 'cure' for depression is doing all the things depression prevents you from doing.
I genuinely dislike having to eat and drink, its a chore. I'm spoiled, and get too comfortable with having things just given to me. I've recently been struggling with self identity in my sexuality. I'm a mess. I'm not a lost cause to everyone but me. Maybe I just want to take the easy way out. I don't see myself cut out for life. I can't see myself completely high school, or going to college or even getting a proper job. The only thing I feel comfortable with is being a housewife because I like cleaning, but its a weak goal and something no one else will ever support. Everyone tells me I have to go to school, and get a career and thinking about growing up makes me shut down.
In the 5th grade I started recognizing the fact that I'm not fit to be a member of society, and make me promise to myself that I would kill myself before I turned 18. I turn 17 in 6 days. I have a year to suck it up and get it done with.
I feel selfish. I have a great life, that I should be happy with. I know it will affect people around me. I look like i'm depressed for being lonely. While I take prozac I tend to be a visually happy person. I am not comfortable expressing my problems to those around me.
I just want to be done with everything. I've done nothing productive and I know I never will.
This isn't necessarily a goodbye, maybe a cry for help. I don't know what to do.
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self.SuicideWatch
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articulate that, grace (yeah I fell for my best friend) [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Warning: We're being targeted by a PM-spammer promoting a blog at mentorself.com ###Update (Friday March 9, 11:45PST): This person has now made several new accounts and is using chat more and PMs less. The admins have requested that we ask everyone to report chats from the spammer trying to get you to visit mentorself.com
### * On desktop you can report by pausing the mouse over the flag icon.
### * On mobile (at least the official app on Android), long-press the message and a "report" option will pop up.
Previous Update: We've been informed by the reddit admins that this issue has been actioned, but we're going to leave this post up for a while in case they try to sneak back in. If you post or comment and then get a chat request or PM that appears similar to the description here, [please let us know](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdepression).
If you get a PM or Chat after posting here promoting an amateur self-help blog at either mentorself.com or mentorself.wordpress.com, please be aware that this person appears to be broadcast spamming everyone who posts here. Although we deplore this person's actions, we can't see or police PMs because they don't "belong" to any specific subreddit.
Please report ALL PMs and Chat requests promoting this site to the reddit admins. If you're using desktop, there's a "report" link under every PM. Some mobile apps and clients offer a report option but not all, so if you can't find one, you can also report PMs by sending details to /r/reddit.com. Use "spam" as the subject line, and be sure to specify that you got the spam to a post you made in /r/depression.
Thanks everyone. We're disgusted that this person is exploiting our community this way.
EDIT: If you need an indication of how the intelligence of this person rates compares to their energy level, they're tried TWICE to spam their blog to *ME* in response to this post!
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self.depression
|
Fuck you new years resoluteers at the gym Thanks to new years I'm about to be inundated by people at my gym. It's the same fucks who come for a month every year and never stay. It's super annoying when you work extremely hard to get into the gym 5 days a week the entire year and then a bunch of lazy jackasses overcrowd the place for a month. Half the time these people don't use the equipment they just sit there and talk to their friends. Do that shit at home the gym is not for long conversations on the equipment. Don't get me wrong I've seen some people who come for new years and stay, good on them. But 95% of the people going won't stay. I don't want to spend three hours at the gym getting an hour and a half to two hours of work in because of the crowd.
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self.offmychest
|
I am scared I always feel like I'm left out. I always feel like if I told my friends how I feel they will start to avoid me. I want to be a fun person to hang out with, if I am not fun I scare people away with my sadness and dark thoughts. Evenings like this I have no one to talk to since I am too scared of scaring them away. It hurts so much being this lonely. Alone in the dark.
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self.depression
|
Do psychiatrists/psychologists really not talk to each other because of privacy laws? I had an old psychologist that I went AWOL with when he said he thought I had bipolar and I disagreed. It's been a year and I gave in and saw a psychiatrist to see what's wrong with me. He asked if I had seen anyone previously and I described the psychologists location/traits and my psychiatrist identified him by name. How likely do you think he will contact my old psychologist about my case to get info?
I really wanted to go in with a fresh start and no previous bias so I really don't want them to talk. I'm pretty sure they're not allowed to, but have y'all ever hear of doctors that talk amongst each other about patients?
I'm more worried because the first psychologist would give me details about other patients (obviously no names), but I'm scared commingling is a norm in this location because I remember him saying something about talking to other doctors too.
Anyone have any input on this?
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self.bipolar
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How do I come down from extreme irritability due to anxiety?
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self.Anxiety
|
Taking a moment to be a spoiled brat, or just being emotional and dramatic So growing up my dad wasn’t really around. Him and my mom couldn’t stand each other so he worked so many jobs he was never home. Then when they finally got divorced he kinda lived far away plus I was old enough to drive so I had my own life going on. He has since remarried and is a completely different person-in a good way, for the most part.
I had my son, he’s 11 now and my dad was very much in his life. He took him fishing all the time and he is a much better grandfather than he was a dad, awesome.
I get so incredibly jealous though of my nephew, stepmom, and boyfriend.
Jealous of my stepmom because of how he spoils her. I never got that. For my college graduation he got me this beautiful bracelet as a gift and I thought it was incredibly special until my stepmom announced he got her the same one AND the anklet. Buzz kill I got my first tattoo with my dad but then at the last minute my stepmom decided to get a tramp stamp of my dad’s name, so now it’s all about her, another buzz kill. The thing is, my stepmom is very funny and sweet and kind so it’s really confusing.
Jealous of my nephew because he will stay with them for a week or two and then my son only gets to go for a day or two during that stay. Over the summer they invited My son to go to the beach but he couldn’t go because it was the first week of school. I didn’t get asked to go with on this family vacation (my step sister and nephew were going) I got asked to dog sit. I didn’t feel bad about not paying them the $50 cancellation fee for my sons plane ticket.
Jealous of my boyfriend because I feel like my dad spends more time and money on him. My boyfriend broke his ankle really bad and had to have surgery. The day after surgery I found out my older brother committed suicide. I needed to get to New York to see my mom so I asked my dad for $100 for gas because of my boyfriend not being able to work and not sure what would happen with that. Mind you I NEVER ask my mom or dad for any money and if I do I’m desperate. He gives me this sob story of how he probably can’t because he needs to save money for his retirement blah blah blah and then goes on to tell me he’s paying for my boyfriends hunting camp dues that are over $300! I was going to pay him back the $100, I ended up not getting money from him and just paid for the trip on my own. Once my boyfriend gets back to work though, we are paying my dad back for the camp dues. I don’t want his damn money.
It all hit me like an emotional brick that slapped me in the face.
They are picking my son up tomorrow to keep him for two days. They announced Christmas Eve that part of his Xmas gift is going to LEGO land. I’m super bummed because I had been trying for MONTHS to make a weekend trip with my step mom to go to my step sisters and nephew and it falls through every time due to them. I wanted to be the one to take my son. Ugh! He’s looking forward to going so I wouldn’t dare say he can’t. I’m not able to go because I have to work.
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self.offmychest
|
Met a girl who possibly sexually harassed my friend, but my friend continued to stay in contact so I stopped talking to them. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
What are your 3 best coping strategies for anxiety? I would love to know!
Mine are
1. Intense exercise/anaerobic exercise such a HIIT
2. Deep breathing/alternate nostril breathing
3. Mindfulness (I don't meditate often because it makes me dissociate more, so I find mindfulness much better!)
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self.Anxiety
|
I vow to never have a relationship again My girlfriend of nearly 3 years broke up with me a month ago. I couldn't understand any of it but then when I read through all our texts, I hate me, I hate everything I said. I deserved to be dumped, the way I talked was toxic.
I have been depressed a long time, I thought I was doing okay until the break up, then I cut myself and wanted to kill myself, if I had an empty house I have no doubt I would be dead by now.
I keep thinking how can I get her back but I know it is not right.
I hate living with me, I hate my mind. My mind is fucked up, always has been always will be, the fewer people I have contact with the fewer people I can hurt. The fewer people there will be to mourn my eventual death.
I don't kill myself because I don't want to make anyone feel guilty or to hurt them.
I won't infect another with my mind.
Once my parents are gone there will be no contacts left, then I will end it all and no one will even know I am gone. No guilt.
I won't end it because of this heartbreak, no, I will end it because I have always felt broken and only now see I am not just hurting myself but other people as well.
I crave the embrace of another person, but I am a plague ship in this world. Best left alone.
I am best left alone.
Now just to wait, and hide from the world.
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self.depression
|
The song "How soon is now?" is a perfect description of what living with anxiety is like. I've listened to the song dozens of times and I've only just now realized what the song was about. The lyrics are super relatable.
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self.Anxiety
|
My anxiety is so bad right now I can't deal with people yelling. Whether it's directed at me or I just hear it. People screaming fucks with my anxiety. My stomach turns to shit, my nausea worsens and I start shaking. I don't know how to live with people like this. I felt sick all day, and I can't move anywhere else. But yelling makes my anxiety worst. They won't stop yelling and I don't want to be here.
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self.Anxiety
|
I don't know what to do anymore I've suffered from depression for over 10 years now. At the start, it was managable, I had my SO to turn to, friends to lean on. As time has gone on I have become single and feel more and more of a burden towards my friends, because of this I haven't been asking for help like I used to. I haven't been sharing my feelings, I've been bottling everything up. It's gotten worse over the last few months, thoughts of hurting myself have been more prominent. I haven't done anything to hurt myself but I can't shake this feeling of utter uselessness and being unwanted, I honestly feel that the world would do just fine if I wasn't here.
I don't know what to do with myself, I'm on medication, my doctor signed me off work because of my thoughts of self harm. I would much rather be at work because it was one of the only things besides my cats that kept my mind occupied, I'm scared.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How did you find a GOOD therapist? The therapist I went to laughed about my depression and told me its just ADD, and Im extremely hopeless after that. Is there therapists that will actually help and how do I find a good one / how did you find yours ? Thx.
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self.depression
|
Really uninspired Music is all dull to me, i want to do so much but idk so little.
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self.depression
|
I sexually harassed a female friend years ago and later blew her off. #MeToo helped me realize I was wrong. Some backstory: I've always considered myself a respectful guy. I guess they all do. In college, I was that guy kicking drunk predators out of my fraternity's parties. I've been in a handful of long term relationships so I've always been a popular platonic friend. Even when I was single, “just friends” never bothered me. In fact, I often preferred that.
This was just before college though when I lived for a year in my own place in the city. I invited a girl who was a year or two younger than me to come hangout at my pool. We weren't super close but had kind of recently become friends. I was recently single but I had no intentions with her, just messing around. At one point, her top got loose and I thought it would be funny if I yanked on the string. She laughed, I laughed, yada yada. I thought it was a funny game and so I persisted – I did it like three more times before the afternoon was over. To me it was kind of a flirty game. The day ended, she went home, so did I. I moved away to go to college shortly after that and we rarely talked. My sophomore year, I randomly texted her to see how she was doing. We talked briefly and she made some comment like "the last time I saw you, you were sexually harassing me and trying to strip me in public."
I was horrified. That wasn't how I remembered it at all.
I said something along the lines of “that’s definitely not what I remember but sure” and I stopped replying.
It’s been four years since that conversation. I saw plenty of awful things in college – guys who took advantage of situations without true consent – and I swore I would never be that. One time when I was my fraternity chapter’s president, I pulled a clearly intoxicated girl away from a bad situation, took her to her place, helped her into bed and despite her asking me to stay, left. The next day, she told me how shocked she was that I was respectful enough to not take advantage of her vulnerability. That was one of many days I realized how bad it really is for girls in college – that a normal guy doing a normal thing like not raping/assaulting a drunk female was somehow an accomplishment.
Lately, I’ve seen a lot of the #MeToo stories come to the forefront of the news. Initially, I thought to myself “I’m so glad I was raised right to not do those types of things.” Then one day, I remembered that girl from the pool. I wasn’t better than anyone. I was part of the problem just like everyone else. I was the reason she could have tweeted #MeToo. That realization was almost soul crushing.
It took me a few days to build up the courage but I texted her a few days ago. I explained that I had no excuse, that I didn’t expect or need a reply from her, but she was owed the truth from me: what I did was wrong, was without consent, and I’m sorry for putting her in that situation. Even more, I’m sorry for the way I blew her off when she first told me how it made her feel. I’m the problem just like all the guys I thought I was better than.
She didn’t reply until yesterday. She just said “thank you. I really appreciate that.” I left it alone after that.
I know this is long winded but it’s something I just want to get out there. The #MeToo movement, victims speaking out publically for the first time in the news every day, it does more than raise awareness for other victims. In my case, it was the reason I realized I was a part of the problem. Not because I was a frequent offender but because my mindset was wrong. The first step in changing is acknowledging that I have contributed to the same problem that has hurt millions of women.
I hope this was the first step in me becoming a part of the solution instead.
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self.offmychest
|
17m and gay. Not the best combo I guess Its like 2AM and I'm getting in my head rn. Like usual.
I hate being a teenager right now, especially since I'm gay. My school right now is kinda full of assholes and being gay would honestly probably make me the target of a lot of shit. I don't wanna have to deal.with that.
My biggest issue though is loneliness. I have few friends who I actually talk to outside of school and most times, I initiate the conversation. I rarely ever get spoken to. Right now I just wish I had someone. I see all these videos and pictures and just stories of guys meeting and falling in love and just living happily and I just couldn't want that anymore than I do now. I know I'm probably way too young to say this but I really can't wait for the day I can wake up next to someone and just be happy with my life. Be happy to be loved by someone. Be happy just to even be alive and know that I'm worth something to someone. I just hate the thought of how long that might take.
Throughout my life I've dealt with shit myself. I'm sick of just being alone.
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self.depression
|
My Everyday Highschool Life- OCD Anxiety Hey, I am a high school senior with an anxiety based OCD disorder. There are two things I want to talk about. First I feel I have no friends. Every party posted on Snapchat or instagram I was never invited to, and it's not like I don't try to be invited. I hang out with lots of other people in my grade at school and get along well with them, yet everytime I try to connect with them outside of school they are busy doing something or at a party without me, and even lie to me about it. The truth is it really hurts. And these people are assholes about it too. For instance there are times almost everyday when my peers mention some brief story of someone doing something funny at a party and laugh about it, or openly create a groupchat naming off people who should be in it, when I'm sitting just a few feet away. Sometimes I'll hear them plan parties, and when I try to join the conversation, the subject changes. I have attended one party this year most likely by accidental invitation. I helped the host so much at the party and got along well with everyone, yet I was never invited to another party again. Don't get me wrong, it's not just about the parties. Senior Spring break is a big deal at my school and EVERBODY goes with friends somewhere, of course except me who was never invited to anything. I still tried to create my own group of people to go do something, but they just weren't interested. I feel my grade is pretty inclusive when it comes to parties and events like that, yet somehow word gets around to even some of the most anti-social students yet somehow avoids me. As far as anxiety pairs into this, it haunts me. My holidays and weekends are ruined. I filter through instagram seeing 'friends' hangout and if I try to text them they don't respond. I get sleepless nights and my anxiety at one point drove me to believe that I was just a bad person, who was annoying to everyone. Now that college admissions are overand school is relaxing, my anxiety is acting up again. I feel so held back on a social level whether that be with girls , talking to peers, or even eating lunch with peers. Even getting accepted into a college didn't feel like an accomlishment, because my anxiety was holding me back My family is very aware of all this and keeps reminding me that college is only a semester and a summer away, but I just can't take it anymore. Sometimes when I'm home alone, I feel the only thing I can do is drive. So I drive around or go run until I calm down. It works for a while, but its not a true solution. I'm lost and don't know where to turn to.
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self.Anxiety
|
Lost my virginity to a sex worker and have lied about it to everyone I have had sex 5 times with prostitutes. Im 19 and if a friend asks about my virginity I say that Ive done it with one night stands I met on tinder. Im a fucking loser. But this year Im gonna learn to fucking love myself and get what I want.
Happy New Years reddit.
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self.offmychest
|
Nervous about my psychological evaluation I haven't had a psychological evaluation since I was 17 (I'm 22 now), so I scheduled a new one because my depression has gotten much worse since then. I don't really remember much of what happened at my last one. I'm nervous because I think something worse than depression might be wrong with me, because my suicidal thoughts, urges to self harm and take drugs have gotten worse. I want to talk about these things but I don't want to seem like I'm attention seeking. I'm not sure how I should go about this.
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self.depression
|
A year later and it hasn't changed Once again sitting in my room drinking and sobbing on prom night. Hard to ignore when that's all you hear about in class. What is a big deal to the many and I'll never experience it. I won't have a memory of what could've happened. I'm sure my friends who went will tell me about it on Monday. And those who didn't will tell about their lan party. I never get invited. Oh, just forget about me, ya know, the guy who's been with you since the 7th grade, and invite the 2 blokes you've only known since last semester. Can't be bothered to invite the person to your birthday who was the first to talk to you when you were new. Or remember that time I loaned you $40? You still haven't played me back.
After uni I'm done with this bullshit. Life sucks and so do you
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self.depression
|
I'm Pretty Sure Every Person I know Considers Me To Be A massive Failure I pretty much flamed out over the past few months.
For reference, I spent most of my life overachieving in school to compensate for being bad at everything else. I'm not an athlete, I'm not particularly funny or attractive, there's really nothing about me that's even remotely appealing.
So a few months ago is when I graduated with my Master's at the age of 22. It is the only success I've ever achieved in my life.
That was the only thing I could use as a source of pride: that I'd gotten two degrees and finished by schooling by 22. That was in June.
November has come along and I still have no fulltime work, and not even in the field I studied for so long. This is not to say that I deserve any more than anyone else, but I feel like I've wasted my time. I've been applying everywhere, since I'm not stupid enough to think I'm owed anything, but I've been getting rejected from minimum wage jobs and unpaid internships at this point. Literally nobody wants me.
I've had a handful of interviews but I bombed them all so badly that it's pointless to even get another one.
I'm at the point where I spend most of my time scrounging for any freelance gig I can get just so I'm not drowning in my own incompetence. My social life is nearly nonexistent and I worry it's because people think I'm as pathetic as I feel.
I struggled so much to get those goddamn degrees, I put everything I had into it. I'd even dropped out of school after suffering a mental breakdown a year before graduating and didn't go back until my girlfriend at the time encouraged me to go back. The last time I had fulltime work was during the year that I wasn't in school at all.
What the fuck do I do? It's driving me completely insane, to the point where I had to end my relationship because I was being so emotionally toxic around her. I've been thinking about suicide nearly constantly, and the only reason I haven't gone off and done it is because I don't want to upset my grandparents or my ex (we still talk, and I'm still very fond of her because of how well she's been taking all of this). My ex has depression too and even though she has no degrees and I have two, she's the one who's able to afford everything and is just fucking incredible at getting new jobs when she's needed to. She's even been sending me bucket loads of applications to help me out, and I've been rejected from each and every single one of them. Every contact I potentially make anywhere falls out of contact, and the last time I tried to go to a networking event, I had an anxiety attack so bad that I began bleeding out of my nose all over my clothes.
I feel like I'm designed for failure, as if that's the only thing I can do right. I look for validation everywhere else because I can't find any myself. Considering what I got was a film degree, I've made contact with exactly two producers and had the chance to pitch projects to both, and was soundly rejected.
How many rejections should one take before giving up for good? At what point should I conclude that I will never lead a happy or fulfilling life? I've been in therapy for two years but it can only do so much. I've spent session after session trying to figure out why employers are so repulsed by me.
I know my ex doesn't really need me. I know that my grandparents have six other grandchildren who will all lead happy and fulfilling lives and make them proud. But I know they're not inhumane monsters, I know they want me to succeed. But I can't, I literally can't, and should I just spend the rest of my life rotting away just so they don't worry? I don't know if I'm strong enough to go on longer than a couple years. I genuinely don't want to die, i really don't, but I'm reaching the point where I'm so completely ashamed of myself and my failure that I don't think I can continue existing like this.
Don't tell me to exercise, I've been doing that. I've been trying to improve my diet and sleep better (though I can't sleep better than a couple hours a night even with over the counter shit for it), trying to stop drinking and smoking as much as I used to. I've reached the point where if I was offered any kind of hard drug I'd probably take it just so I don't have to suffer for a while. I know full fucking well what it'll do to me but I'll do anything to make it go away, don't you get it?
I was fooled. I thought that once you go to school that things will work out. I think everyone hates me. I think they're all disgusted by me. If they don't hate me, they pity me. My own parents actively avoid me at every opportunity and tell people facts about me that aren't true so they can pretend I'm not the failure they gave birth to. My own family, minus my grandparents, pretend that I'm not alive. The messages to people I send who I thought were friends are read with no response. I can't blame any of these people for treating me this way. Why would you want someone like me in your life?
I'm 22 years old and I'm barely surviving with freelance gigs from people taking pity on me. I'm not particularly good at it. I've made four digits a month from it exactly twice in my life. For reference, a former classmate of mine (I had a giant crush on her in high school and she went to the same college as me) is now working as an animator at Adult Swim at the same age as me, immediately after graduation. Another high school classmate who also got the exact same degree as me is now in charge of a marketing firm at the same age as me. I'm just stunned by how utterly incompetent I am. I'm stunned that I can be good at nothing and have nothing of value and no matter how hard I work to improve, it just doesn't happen.
I'm sad and I'm scared and alone, I don't know what to do. I'm begging you, on my knees, to tell me that this is going to work out somehow. I need to know that I'm not here in vain.
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self.Anxiety
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Does anyone else look at other people/things and get even more depressed? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I feel it coming The best way to cure a disease is to prevent it and I want to stop this feeling before it develops more. I have my goals in life I have people and whatever but there's this feeling creeping up slowly. I tell myself "oh if I just give it more time I'll get where I want" but it doesn't and slowly the truth unfolds and I start to hate everything. Anything that could knock some sense into me? Besides the usual family, friends, goals I know all that I have ambition but it's something that keeps whispering "you may be eligible for suicide".
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My parents just dont get I cant go to work at the time I AM SLOWLY GIVING UP, IVE HAD DP/DR FROM FEBRUARY TO JULY BUT NOW EVERYTHING IS SO FUCKING SHITTY, MY MIND FLIPPED OVER AND JUST WANTS ME DEAD.
And my mom doesnt get that there is NO QUICK FIX FOR DEPRESSION!!!!!
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self.depression
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I think I'm being played, but I'm too much of an idiot to cut things off. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I hopelessly try to replay/continue my dreams because they’re more interesting/tolerable than my waking life [deleted]
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self.depression
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I don't know how to deal with it anymore Hi, I'm 18 years old, living in a third world country and severely depressed. I've tried to kill myself twice but it didn't work.Now I'm being pressured to go to college by my parents and also my old psychiatrist. Really I don't get it, I've almost been hospitalized, my mom was the one cleaning up after me when I tried commiting suicide and yet when I ask my father to go see a new psychiatrist he tries to send me to college. So am I ill or not?Does anybody take me seriously when I say that I want to die? How many times did I threaten to kill myself? Right now I'm taking a certain medication that I could easily OD with. The temptation is real I must admit. Being depressed makes you feel hopeless but what if the situation really is hopeless? I'm afraid that I might try it again, I don't know how to communicate with the people around me and honestly I'm exhausted. If you were in this situation what would you do.(Sorry, too long, thx for reading)
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self.SuicideWatch
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Relationship anxiety taking my joy away I’m in a relationship with someone who I adore, but my anxiety is ruining it.
I grew up in a somewhat strange family, without too much love and affection and I think this may be part of the cause. I wasn’t used to being “loved” or hugged and kissed, and my family were very private and could be quite moody. I’d often get a sinking feeling and a genuine sadness having to go home after being out in the day. Could this be part of my problem?
I get extreme anxiety when my partner goes away (say for a few nights), and it begins about a week before and continues until he’s back. He gives me love and never rejects me, I just don’t understand why I feel so awful. Sometimes I even believe that he doesn’t love me anymore when I have no proof of that!
If anyone has any tips, I’d be really greatful. I don’t want this to be ruined.
Thank you.
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self.Anxiety
|
Holiday season is quite depressing Don't get me wrong, I love the atmosphere of the holiday season and the cold weather. However, it just brings back so many memories of the good days. The day before it all went downhill. Some nostalgic moments and a heartbreak really ruins it for me.
Thanksgiving and Christmas use to be the days where I hanged out and talked to a girl I was really interested in. Then it all broke apart, and now I'm just stuck with memories with the upcoming holidays making it clearer and clearer.
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self.depression
|
I feel... nothing. I feel nothing at all. Just a big wide hole in my head. I smile and go on autopilot but feel nothing. I don't experience any pleasure anymore. I don't want to kill myself but I don't want to exist either. I some times wish I could just fade away. My hands and arms are covered in scratches because I promised no self harming.
Why is this happening? I don't quite know. Depression as a word does not quite cover the abject misery of feeling nothing.
And isn't that just the biggest kicker?
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self.depression
|
Can't find myself as a person. I've been so confused lately. Emotionally. I don't know who I am as a person. I used to be this tender, compassionate guy that would always be there for people in time of need but that has changed. My (now former) girlfriend went through so many emotional breakdowns that eventually I got mad every time she had one. Not only that, but I've been a total dick to a lot of people in my life lately. And I feel like it's not who I am. All of this confusion has started to bring my suicidal thoughts back... thoughts I thought I buried a long time ago. I just don't know what to do with myself... All the people I had in my life that would comfort me barely talk to me anymore. I basically came here as a last resort. Please. Any help or tips would be appreciated greatly.
TL;DR
I am emotionally confused... I can't figure out if I'm a compassionate guy, or if I'm a "screw the world, this is my life" kind of a guy.
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self.depression
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Saphris Does anyone have experience with this medication? I’ve recently started it and I’m finding it a bit weird. I have it combines with lithium and tompamax.
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self.bipolar
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Does anyone else really struggle with the physical aspects of their anxiety? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Why do so many girls usually have bad and boring personalities? [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Need help with logic about my anxiety/depression So, at one point in the past 10 years or so I had a suicidal point in my life. I was hospitalized stabilized and told what some issues needed to be worked out. Went to 3 months of outpatient therapy 8 hours a day. Worked through them and have been fine. I still get flair-ups of my anxiety I think anyone who suffers always will. But I was out on the bay this weekend early morning right as the sun rose and it was absolutely beautiful. I was always told to find serenity in the moment and that moment is one of the fews I fully relaxed and thought about important things in my life. I have always wanted to duck hunt and I am toying with the idea of starting that as a hobby. My only thing is i would feel bad for shooting a duck. But I see it more like fishing where I feel bad for the first fish and realize it’s part of life and I’m fortunate to be able to use the earths resources and be self sufficient in a way. But it also made me thing and realize that maybe it’s a good way to keep my feelings about suicide in check. (Don’t lie we all think about it to some degree) that it’s a way for me to remind myself that I am fortunate that I need to be grateful of what life has to offer. Not that I won’t feel bad at some point. But that I can realize how precious life is. I’ve always wanted to take it up and my town is one of the best in Texas if not the best for it. Or maybe I’m finding a way of justifying this. Anyone else share similar thoughts or insight?
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self.Anxiety
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I hate myself for how Iv treated my SO. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I [25/F] miss/have a crush? on my ex coworker [45/F] [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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The hardest things to ask for are the things I need the most. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Things get better. Hi all,
I posted a while back on this sub when I was suffering from my anxiety... it has been a few years since I started medication, therapy, and help for my anxiety.
I am here to say it does get better. I tried Zoloft, Lexapro, and now I am on Paxil..and it is funny but none of them really worked all that great. What I needed was just the mental fortitude to say no to anxiety.
I still face daily anxiety, but I now am able to choose to ignore it. It feels great.... but I want all you fresh to the anxiety boat to know, THIS IS NOT THE END, IT GETS BETTER.
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self.Anxiety
|
Tomorrow I know I'll probably sound like literally anyone else in crisis or anything like that but here.
I plan to do it tomorrow. I don't know how but the plethora of ways is infinite and I can choose, so whatever.
If you really need a tl;dr: Failing school, Autism, Parent hates me, I'm done.
Here's the long one.
I'm merely 15, which means I can't get a job where I live. I live in the number one crime state too, so that's also a thing going on. I'm only a sophomore in high school and I pretty much have 2 good friends, and a bunch of people who say they're my friends but they fail to realize I hate them. Most of them freshman or sophomores in my classes.
It's almost the end of the grading period and I have passing grades and even some good ones, but one grade I have is making every adult I know hate me, and that's English.
I know it's not an excuse but I'm one of the people with high high Autism, literally at the top of the spectrum. Meaning that being boxed in an English class with no freedom means bad news, and guess what class type my English is. Exactly.
So that's school, but wait there's more. I have an IEP program, look it up if you don't know. This program screwed me more than it helped, in fact I don't think it helped me at all. It changed my perfect school schedule into something garbage, replacing an AP class with a special ed one. I am not a special ed student.
A good grade I currently have is in Spanish but I was always good in Spanish, they changed my teacher for that class too. The teacher is nice but I miss the old one who contributed to my learning style.
About the English class, it is an AP class in disguise of a normal one. The teacher is kind, but I look at other classes my grade and they're only half the way through the schedule I am in, and the teacher has very high standards. Everything in MLA(Which College doesn't even do as far as I've heard). She assigned a book report project to replace the final exam, but it was one of those reports where you say you have it in the beginning of the year and forget about it for the whole semester until "Hey, where's that thing I never considered until now?" Yeah it's one of those things and of course I forget about it because I have 7 classes total to get my shit together in and focusing on one means the rest are bad, tough luck.
So that was school, let's get on to parents...
My dad has full custody and my mom is missing. My dad is alright for a modern day dad, he's a teacher and I sometimes feel he likes me which is normal with my standards. Thing is he's also an adult who bombards me about English with no praise whatsoever about my other classes. He also never did dadlike things when I was a child. I don't know how to ride a bike, use money effectively, do things that you would expect a father to teach a child how to do and know for the rest of their lives. Not mine, mine came home from teaching and never interacted with anyone but my mom, which he divorced her for reasons unknown...
My past is simple yet hard to talk about when talking to anyone but the internet because anonymity(yay). I had an abusive stepmom, mental abuse, punishing hard and believing I was addicted to technology, taking away my stuff for a whole freshman year, therefore killing any creativity I wanted to write on it...RIP.
She's gone now, left us. I used to cut hardcore and my dad usually never notices, my brother does though but he doesn't do anything about it. 12 days after cutting I would get policed. Is there a way to talk about these things without getting caught by the police? Why don't they let me live in the pain I deserve.
I'm convinced I don't deserve anything due to this fucking grade. I want to destroy all my things then do it. Hopefully tomorrow. I honestly see no other way but just to end it all.
Also my dad paid 400$ on a trip I'm going to with a club I'm going, but that was just the money to go there. I need 150$ spending money otherwise I'm there without food, enjoyment, or pretty much anything, I'm just there.
About the clubs I'm practically a nobody. Nobody says my name or points at me, laughs with me, whatever you would expect anybody to do with a friend. I'm also in a gaming club which is practically the same thing. I'm considering joining a feminism club(not feminazi club, these people actually care.) because I'm MtF...hope it goes well I guess...if I stay alive long enough to go.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Overstimulated around the Holidays My kids....loud, excited, ready for Christmas already. I sware, it's like they are manic they are so hyped up. It's causing me so much anxiety. I can't keep my focus straight and all the excess noise from tv, phones, music and mouths is really overwhelming me. I had to put on my headphones and listen to George Michael at a loud volume to get calm and drown out the chaos. I'm so overstimulated that I feel like I could have a breakdown before Christmas break is over with and it hasn't even started yet! Calgon, take me away!!!!!
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self.bipolar
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Whenever I see birthday hangouts I get bursts of anger and sadness [deleted]
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self.depression
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Need advice Hey, I haven’t posted here in a while but I need some advice. I really like this boy and things are going well and I think telling people I have anxiety is important because it makes some things I do make more sense and I’m not being difficult on purpose. But I’m really scared that telling him will change his views on me and I don’t want that. When’s a good time to bring it up and how should I?
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self.Anxiety
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Medication struggles: Sex, Antidepressants and ... Weed? Hi friends. I need some feedback and I want to know your experience with antidepressants and how they affect your sex life. I'm 24 F with bipolar I. My SO and I have been together on and off for over 4 years.
When we initially got together, I was undiagnosed and unmedicated. Long story short, we had awesome sex until I went on antidepressants... now I'm bone dry. I'm currently on cymbalta and our sex life is not going well. I don't get turned on, I don't get "wet," and I stress out way too much about not performing.
I want to know if any of you have had similar experiences.
And, I want to know if you have tried weed as a method of calming down/enjoying things more. Is that even possible?
Thanks for reading.
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self.bipolar
|
I fucked up I'm 17, and I fucked up real bad. Yesterday I went to a party to celebrate New Year's. I got so mad with my only friend that I told him to fuck off and that he should just forget my complete existence. When my brothers saw that they just tried to help me, and I told them too to fuck off and went outside to punch the wall until my hands started to bleed. I blocked everyone on Whatsapp, and now I'm completely alone and my family is worried. I don't know what to tell them. How do I tell them that every single day of my life is a constant pain and urge of jumping off the window? How the fuck I make them understand? I think I did the worst mistake in my whole life, and I'm afraid there's no way out. Suicide feels easier every day that passes, and now the will to do it is bigger than ever. I doubt I'll do it, but I'm starting to think my life has come to an end. That's it, I just wanted to rant. Wish you luck, and happy new year I guess.
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self.depression
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I fee like I need to be sexual to be wanted. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Is It Possible to Be Depressed for Years Without Having a Single Manic Episode? I have been struggling with depression for a few years now. My Aunt is Bi Polar, but I have not had any mania. My Pdoc floated the possibility that I could be Bi Polar, but I just haven't had my first manic episode yet. I'm only 17 and have been depressed for 3-4 years. Is that common/possible? To be depressed for years before you get your first manic episode?
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self.bipolar
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No one touches me Besides the occasional business hand shake, I have zero physical human contact. Like ever. Is this normal?
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self.depression
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Wish you hadn't been born? Does anyone else wish they hadn't been born? Then none of my problems would exist, and I wouldn't have to endure life
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self.depression
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Hard to sleep when you're just thinking of suicide constantly
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self.depression
|
Caffeine is giving me panic attacks, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to function without it. Caffeine used to work so well for me. I never used to panic from it. My life isn’t stressful enough for me to be panicking all of the sudden, so I don’t know what’s happening.
How can I wake up without caffeine? And do you think I need anxiety medication if I stop taking caffeine?
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self.Anxiety
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Anyone want to talk in pms? Preferably a guy in high school as thats who i am and can relate more.
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self.depression
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not taken seriously by anyone and I don't know what to do I am stuck so basically I think I need to go to a psychologist because I have a lot of issues with my studies but my parents won't take me seriously so I tried to ask my brother to ask them and talk to them because they take him more seriously and I thought that he would for sure take me seriously but well even he is not taking me seriously and I don't know what to do because my exams are coming very soon and I really need to get good marks in that beacuse these marks will decide my subjects and because of these issues I dont score well at all and no one is taking me seriously and I dont know what to do i am stuck I dont want to break my dreams like that
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self.depression
|
Struggling with Disassociation I'm not sure if it's derealization or depersonaliztion. Sometimes I just feel like I'm detached from reality, like it's happening but my brain is somewhere else entirely. Like someone else is controlling my body and I'm just kind of along for the ride. It is often triggered if I look in the mirror for a long time. Does this happen to anyone else and what do you do to break out of it?
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self.Anxiety
|
I don't think college is going to be the best years of my life I was so excited when I was accepted to an Ivy League.
My dream school. I was a quiet, reserved type in high school who always wished she could be at the other end of the equation, who went out and kissed boys and always seemed to have something to laugh about.
I was going to reinvent myself, surrounded by people who were supposed to be like me.
I thought I did everything right. Orientation blew by in a bundle of nerves and excitement and I felt like I talked more than I have ever talked in my life and I picked classes and a major and everything was set out for me, I was here.
First semester, about a month in, I had to drop a class because I was failing. I ended the semester with barely above a 2.0, course deficient, and basically guaranteeing that I wouldn't be able to major in what I originally wanted. I talked to a lot of people but made only two friends, but they were enough for me, and like I said, I was always the quiet, reserved type.
End of semester nearing, I found a new major I liked, I got a related job, and found a new friend group with the two new friends I had. Around this time I realized I was probably depressed, but things seemed like they were looking up, and I didn't think I needed help.
2nd semester was worse. I started skipping classes again, lighting fire to my plans to fix my GPA, started spending more and more time in my room. I always imagined myself surrounded by friends in college, finally having the experiences I never did, but all I still had were my two good friends and a boat of acquaintances.
I liked a boy. Unhealthily pinned my happiness on him, shared too much information, scared him off.
End of semester. Almost failed my one class in my new major. One of my two friends messages me when we've left for summer and tells me she wants to cut me off; listing everything I've ever done wrong to her in her eyes and telling me why I'm kind of a shitty person.
1st semester sophomore year. I am sitting here in my room alone, watching stories of other people going out, not having anyone myself to go with. I had to drop a class in my major because I was en route to an F. I have to double up on courses next semester. I can honestly say I have no close friends here. I hate this school, I hate all of the perfect people in it because I thought I was one of them when I was accepted.
I know I sound melodramatic, and I know I'm feeling shitty in a place that people would kill to feel shitty in, but I hate this life. I hate feeling like this when I should be happy, I hate that I'm so embarrassed about my social issues that I try to save face even with a therapist, I hated lying to my parents about what I was doing on my birthday because I had no one to make plans with. I know I sound like a whiny, overprivileged child but I wish I'd never come here.
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self.offmychest
|
The reason why I feel sad all the time is because I don't have a boyfriend, there I said it. I wouldn't dare speaking those words out loud to anyone I know but fuckit it's been playing on my mind all day so I thought I could at least say it here. I feel very lonely and sad all the time, as if a huge part of my life is missing, even though I am surrounded by loving family and friends.
I am a 21 year old woman who's been given every opportunity and I'm studying engineering in college. There are many valid reasons why I might be sad. My course is difficult to the point where I am considering other options after I graduate, I'm not doing well in college recently, I have a few personal problems. But the number one reason why I'm feeling so down is because I do not have a Significant Other and that is a cold hard fact.
I feel pretty pathetic admitting this. This is the age of casual dating, enjoying being young and single, Dua Lupa "New Rules" where young women are urged to not take a tack of notice of men in their lives, as they're mostly idiots anyway (not my personal opinion and I do not mean to offend any men here, it's just the general mood around my female friend groups at the moment).
I was in a relationship before for 3 years and I preferred it so much more than being single. I loved loving someone else who loved me back, I loved always having someone there to talk to, I loved cuddling and intimacy and sex.
I was then seeing a guy for a few months who ended up cheating on me, and I've become so desperate that AFTER cutting him off, I crawled back to him just for the casual sex and intimacy part even though he broke my heart. I am sure this must be a sign of poor self esteem on my part, but anyway.
The last few weeks I've still been talking to this same guy even though I couldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. But the honest truth: I LOVE the attention. At first I thought it was because I loved him, but I'm pretty sure that I just love the whole "relationship-y" vibes when I do speak to him.
I am trying desperately to be a happy independent woman who only focuses on herself and her studies and her friends and hobbies, and men come after all of that, and are not a necessity. But I find it so damn hard. I just really want a boyfriend.
Thank you for listening to my random pathetic rant.
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self.offmychest
|
One of the best decisions I've made is cutting toxic people out of my life Last year I was hurt very badly by some people in my life, and one in particular was a very bad friend for a very long time. It's difficult to do, but cutting those people out of my life has lead me to being so much happier.
I realised, I don't deserve people who make me feel like shit, I don't deserve people who don't value me, and they don't deserve any of my time and energy.
They've since tried to apologise for their behaviour, and other friends have tried to encourage me to forgive them and reconnect with them. But I refuse to. I have some amazing people in my life who far more deserve my attention.
I now realise these people were a huge source of some of my anxiety and cutting them off has gone a long way towards finding some stability.
Don't be afraid to shut the door on those who don't deserve you!
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self.Anxiety
|
The circumstances surrounding my birth and my resentment This has always bothered me and I don't really have anywhere else to bring it up. So, here I go.
I'm 22 years old, soon to be 23, and I'm a black guy. Yes, that last part will matter later. But I absolutely resent both my mom and my dad for the events surrounding my birth. My mom had me when she was a junior or a senior in high school, which made her a teen mom. She got pregnant by my dad, who was also in the same year, but eventually became a high school dropout, which made made him a teen dad. Now, no teenager in their right mind thinks about having kids at such a young age. However, teens are unfortunately thinking about having sex. In most cases, nobody knows wtf they're doing and this leads to mistakes being made. My mom had unprotected sex with a no-good guy and it led to my birth.
When I was growing up, since my mom was still in school, I lived with her and my grandparents. My mom would go to school and work a job while my grandparents practically raised me themselves. Fast forward some years later after my mom graduates high school, finds a stable job, and makes enough money to move out, she takes me to live with her. When I lived with just my mom, nothing was ever good. She always had an attitude, I could never really do anything without her getting angry, and the company that she would have around would always be obnoxious. Of course, since she was still struggling, I would frequently get bounced back and forth between her and my grandparents. There was a drastic change between the environment at my mom's place and the environment at my grandparent's place. I was loved, I was happy, and I could be a kid. But I guess that's true with most grandparents right? They usually tend to spoil their grandkids. Eventually, I was asked as a child if I wanted to stay with my mom or stay with my grandparents. Naturally, I decided to stay with my grandparents, where I've been for the past 20+ years of my life.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely grateful to have had my grandparents. Who knows what my life would have been like without them. But, as I get older, I find myself frequently entering these periods of self-hate because of what I feel like I had taken from me in life. As a black guy in America, who also lives in an urban community, I'm surrounded by the negative aspects of black culture on a daily basis. Gangster rap, violence, drugs, sex, broken families, etc. Part of the reason why I resent my mom and dad so much is because I'm a product of those negative aspects that society emphasizes so much. My mom was a young girl looking for fun and my dad was/is a drug dealer. I didn't grow up with a dad to teach me how to be an actual man, or a mom who taught me how to be respectful, kind, caring, gentle, and intelligent. Half of that I learned from experience and the other half I fortunately learned from my grandparents. Like I said before, I'm extremely grateful for my grandparents and I love them to death, but I don't think that any life lesson that you learn from anyone else will ever compare to what you learn from your actual parents. It's just a different kind of bond.
And now every time I see a stable family with a mom, a dad, and 2 or 3 children that have nothing but love and support, I just get so angry. I hate that the general layout of my life is defined by the decisions of two dumbasses who wanted 5 minutes of fun. And no, I don't wanna hear that "You can change your life" or "What your parents did doesn't define you"
BS. Your identity is formed based on your childhood experiences and typically you don't move too far away from the circumstances that you're born into. And what makes it even more frustrating is that you would think that people would learn after the first mistake. My mom proceeded to replicate this sad state of affairs with two more children until she finally decided not to have anymore. And even though she's slowly progressed into a better person after all this time, the damage that she and my dad have done will always remain. I just wanted an actual family.
Sorry, I just really needed to type that.
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self.offmychest
|
I'm confused, I don't know what's wrong and I can't get the answers I want. Context: teenager in highschool.
I noticed my anxiety symptoms a few months ago, and ever since I've been on this crazy rollercoaster that I just want to get off of.
I have no access to a proper psychiatrist and a diagnosis. The most I can do is talk to school counselors.
My dad doesn't understand anxiety in the slightest, (it runs in my moms side). He's great and all but he doesn't realize how much I need help.
Sometimes I get in these episodes where I just don't want to try anymore. It's usually at night on Sunday where I just want to curl up at home, I don't want to try anymore, sometimes I think of suicide but I don't think I'm capable of it.
I'm on the verge of tears as I type this, I'm being torn apart and I want help. Talking to people is too hard so for now I'm stuck.
I just need advice and comfort. I just want my family to take my issues seriously, I just want some help.
Thanks for listening to me whine and bitch.
Sorry for formatting issues, I just wanted to get this all out even if it is a little messy.
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self.Anxiety
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