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i don’t want to be alive anymore, i’m too weak for this life [deleted]
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self.depression
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Incomplete? Recently I feel as if my life is missing something. I don't know what it is though. I have a feeling it can be a person, like I just want to meet someone new who I really connect with. I love my friends and I connect with them so much, but I really wouldn't mind meeting someone else. I don't want to date anyone, but recently I've been wanting to meet someone with that sort of potential. I don't know. Maybe my life is too boring and simple and I just want something to happen. I want to go outside more and meet some one I could possibly love.
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self.offmychest
|
I want to give in But I’m scared. I’m such a disappointment to everyone around me. I can never do anything right anymore for anyone. I’m not good enough for my family. I’m not good enough for my boyfriend. I’m not good enough to be alive right now. We had to go on a 2 hour trip not too long ago and all I could do was sit there, looking out of the window, picturing myself opening the car door and getting ran over by every single one of the semis that were passing us. I think about dieing everyday but why can’t I go through with it? Everyone’s lives would be so much better off if I did. I’d be doing the world a huge favor. I’d be doing my family and boyfriend a huge favor.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Please help, what is the best way to kill yourself? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
my sister is trying to be me even though she treats me like shit and ignores me, I'm suicidal because of this I asked my sister two years ago to store at her house my synthesizer and some boxes of barbie dolls from the 80s because my place had mold and was small. So a few weeks ago I finally managed to move to a better place and wanted my things back. She lives with her dad and he gave her a car so it would be no big deal for her to drive to my place with my things. Anyway turns out the last month she got my synthesizer without my permission and started playing in a band with old friends of mine. She hid it from me. My mom knew everything and even went to her rehearsals. I discovered because my sister changed and was treating me like shit for a month while I was trying to get a place to move, she totally ignored me. My mom took her side, my sister is the youngest and could kill a person and yet she can do no wrong, my mom never defends me even though I'm the oldest. I think it's because my mom hates my father. The thing is, we are not kids. My sister is 36 and I'm 40years old. I got that synthesizer from my grandmother, she bought for me when I was 16, self taught, I composed songs all by myself found a singer and made a band, it was something so huge that I got a record deal with a foreign label and was a known artist, until the singer backed out and gave up because he didn't want to move overseas. I moved overseas, went through hell even sold hot dogs in the streets and worked in a factory just to buy gear and a plane ticket so he could join me. For him it was a hobby but for me it was my life, so I couldn't find another singer and had to forget my dream of recording a full lenght album. It triggered depression, celiac and anorexia, I nearly died with a BMI of 11. So I quit playing music because of the trauma, I still kept my synth hoping that some day when I feel healthy I can conquer my demons.
So now this. My sister got my synth, she not only is playing with friends of mine who she stole, but it's also the same genre of music I used to compose. She been copying me with everything, she even got waist long hair extensions and been wearing black like I always did, but my hair is long and natural she is just a copycat and she would never know anything about music if it wasn't for me who showed her, she looked up to me but now she want to be myself? this whole thing been making me suicidal and i've been on antidepressants since 1998, it's not working anymore, I've been thinking about hanging myself in a tree behind my place, I told my mom that I'm relapsing, she laughed at me and said that I should just off myself and be done with it. I feel a lot of despair and don't know what to do. I called my sister and she hung up, didn't let me speak. I tried to go to her place she is never there, I don't care about the synth, what I care is that she broke my trust, she knew what I went through and if she treats me like shit why she needs my old synth? she has a lot of money because her dad is rich and she could buy any modern synth, better one, I don't get why she wants to copy me and hurt me like this. please someone give me some advice, I'm really suicidal and feeling hopeless, if she had asked me I would probably give her the synth, but she just stole and my mom doesn't give a shit about me, she is an alcoholic, even when I was dying of anorexia weighing 65lbs she didn't go visit me in the hospital, so I cant ask for her help. Sorry for the typos, I'm nervous
TLDR: my sister is trying to be me even though she treats me like shit and ignores me, she stole my synthesizer and now is trying to live the life I had before I became ill. I'm suicidal, voices in my head say that I'm a failure and my family hates me, I've watched videos on liveleak so I can learn how to hang myself
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Maybe depression?? So, I'll keep this as concise as possible but I also wanna be detailed so I can get good feedback.
I'm 36 year old male. In 2014 I got married after a whirlwind courtship (we were married 8 months after meeting). We both contributed to the problems, but it was pretty bad from the minute we tied the knot. My counselor suspected my wife suffered from BPD, but she refused to get help and so I moved out in 2016 and we divorced last May.
I had been living with my parents while separated, but last summer after the divorce was finalized I moved into a place of my own. I really don’t feel the divorce has been that hard on me, as the marriage was so toxic getting out was a relief. In September I started a new job as a Human Resources manager at a small company and also started going on dates here and there from women I met via online dating apps.
The one thing that I haven’t been able to figure out is that since January of 2017 I completely lost interest in one of my main passions: filmmaking. I had just completed a project with a friend and wasn’t thrilled with the results, but figured I’d take a break and get back into it. Well that never happened. I’ve tried to force myself to get back to writing but I just find no interest in it anymore. I also do not really like my new job. There isn’t really that much day to day work there, and I spend most days just browsing the web. When I get home from work I usually just eat dinner and watch TV until I fall asleep. Weekends are usually pretty dull unless I have a date set up.
So, I’m wondering if this sounds like depression to others with an outside perspective? I honestly feel mostly upbeat, I don’t avoid my friends or family, I feel overall pretty satisfied outside of work. I just feel like there is something wrong with me for not having the motivation to get out and exercise more, or find new hobbies. I really want to fill my life with more interesting things, but I just feel so opposed when it’s time to actually take action in some way. I had planned to start eating better and working out, but each time I start I abandon it after a day or two. Also, I should add I’ve been on Lexapro for about a decade to treat my generalized anxiety disorder. I know depression manifests itself in different ways, but in the past when I’ve been depressed I’ve been less interested in eating and tend to avoid everyone I know, which isn’t the case here.
TL;DR- Divorced last year and feel mostly content with life, aside from my job, yet cannot find the motivation or passion to try new hobbies or interests. I mostly just lay around watching TV. Does this sound like depression?
|
self.depression
|
Broken to pieces and still struggling When I was in high school I had a girlfriend for a year, I broke up with her but didn't really want to, I was trying to make her choose to stand up to her strict parents that would never let us hang out. At the end I decided if she wasn't going to stand up to them Id break up with her. It was a big mistake from me because after 3 months of her trying to get back with me she found a new guy, someone I made her promise to stay away from or who I really didn't like. She started dating him to get back at me and it hurt like crazy because I had to see them in my class for over an hour each day. It was a stab in the stomach daily anytime I was at school or heard their name. I even accidentally caused them to be partners in the choir class. Basically I felt cheated on and everyday I'd look at them being lovey dovey and touchy. It's been almost 3 years and I'm still broken and have not healed. Is this normal? What can I do? Is there another reason I'm not healing?
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self.depression
|
just voicing my thoughts It seems everyone I know is living the dream: a girlfriend, a social life, decent job, enjoying whatever the fuck they do, no problems. them there are sad fucks like me. seriously the more i see, the more i just want to end my life
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
When to worry about chest pain when i take a deep breath? Ok so yesterday I started noticing this sharp pain on the upper left side of my lung when i took a deep breath, and when I'm in different positions it can come and go, it has the feeling like if i stretch and deep breath a few times maybe it'll go away. I'm 22, don't smoke, according to my doctors healthy, and yes I have anxiety. When it didn't go away I started to think heart attack because of course I did, but my parents told me its probably just gas. I did have a lot of gas as I was burping a lot.
Now its the next day, its still here, I made the mistake of googling and am now worried it is heart related. Its not unbearable, again if i didn't take a deep breath i probably wouldn't have noticed it. I do spend a lot of my time outdoors and it has been crazy humid (yesterday it was 100% humidity) and high in mold which I'm allergic to.
also my breathing is fine, but yesterday i took so many deep breaths trying to feel that sensation I did kinda made myself hyperventilate.
My worry is my heart isnt getting proper blood flow, theres no reason to believe that, but that's my fear. Also heart attacks but i think I would've had one by now if that was the case. Also collared lung.
So should I worry?
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self.Anxiety
|
Ignored Every time I'm with friends or family I try to talk and contribute, and people look at me so I know they a knowledge that I'm speaking, but they ignore me 95% of the time and continue with whatever they were all saying. I don't understand why I'm always ignored like that.... how can I be heard, I feel like I have so much to contribute but I can't if no one wants to hear me..
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self.depression
|
I'm fucking terrified I might have Schizophrenia My mom is schizophrenic. That made my childhood... goddamn awful in some aspects. And once I was old enough to understand Schizophrenia, and learnt that It's genetic and I have the possibility of just suddenly developing it when I'm between my late teens and late twenties. And that it's caused by mental stress.
I am now 19. I have depression and GAD. I always thought that if at any point I'd be diagnosed with schizophrenia I'd kill myself. I don't want to live like that, so disconnected from reality.
So today I realized I couldn't tell the difference between a dream and reality. Doesn't sound all that bad, but then later I realized I had absolutely no memory of something that DID happen. Just a couple of seconds missing from my head.
Lately I've been thinking about how little friends I have, and realized I don't feel lonely or want any more human connection than I already have. Like, even with the friends I do have, I don't really miss them if I didn't see them for a while.
Look, I know this does not have to mean I have schizophrenia, but now I can't stop thinking about it. I honestly think if I will be diagnosed with it one day, I'll kill myself. I can't live with that, not after the shit I went through with my mom.
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self.depression
|
Miss being able to feel emotions Hi. Don't know where to begin. I'm 19, freshman in college, and absolutely dread everyday single day of my life. I'm not unique, special, or any more important than anyone else going through a hard time but i'm sick and tired of depending on people to help me because 9/10 they usually let me down. When I went to college in 1st semester, I had a hard time adjusting to the new environment and I did fall into a terrible depression. I had like 2 friends and eventually cut myself out of an alternative way of expressing emotion I suppose? I didn't self harm because it felt good, I did it because it was the only way I knew how to express my emotions. I can't feel ANYTHING. I can't feel joy, happiness, sadness, frustration, guilt, nothing except occasional anger at myself and primarily others. It got better over a long break which ended about 2 months ago. Fortunately, a lot of my friends towards the end of last semester realized what I was going through and decided to help. However, a new semester and I was dreading going back to school but I kept saying to myself that it'll be different because of the friends I've made. Yea those people aren't anymore and I don't know why. They don't make time for me anymore and I am still trying to figure out why. I have some serious trust issues, intimacy issues, and anything related towards soldifying any sort of friendship or relationship because of my emotionally abusive childhood. I was always seen as cold and sort of emotionless throughout high school and that was my choice. I was terrified of people judging me so the way I avoided that is to avoid expressing my personality in public. Now that is my personality. But at that time I could be happy when I wanted to and I could feel joy when seeing the people I like. However along the way, friends have constantly let me down to the point where I can trust no one. I don't want anymore friendships. I literally have 0 people to talk to and I feel sooo guilty if I were to dump my problems on anyone. I would never do that to anyone unless someone asks. No one hasn't asked though. I'm just tired and frankly I have given up on my future, friends, relationships, and everything. Never had a girlfriend and don't want one. I am surrounded by the most closed-minded individuals in college that are all about alcohol, sleeping around, and their futures. I've been home and skipped classes without my parents realizing it. I thought that if I were to go home, SOMEONE would have to notice. Nope. I've had 0 people talk to me and my supposed friends are pissed at me for some magical reason. So Sunday night and I am dreading having to go back. I burned myself for the first time in 4 months. I used to have so many suicidal thoughts but now I just wish I got hurt. I want to feel the pain and I'm sick of feeling numb. I CAN'T FEEL SHIT. ZERO EMOTIONS. I'm always thinking of hurting myself. So i'm relieved it's not so much suicidal thoughts. I just don't know where to go. I have zero feelings about anything like it's fucking terrible.
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self.depression
|
i pay so much for insurance im 19, working a minimum wage job, i go to college , i need my car but why is my insurance so expensive for me...i’ve busted my butt trying to pay 260 a month for my insurance. I feel like having reason of having a car like going to college and working should lower my insurance. My car isnt even new or anything, i just got my license last month and i dont do stupid stuff on the road so why should my insurance be so high? i know im young im a guy but still...
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self.offmychest
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I've got permanent tinnitus because of my anti depressants [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Stomach bug Is this a terrible issue for any of you guys? I’ve had a stomach thing for two days now and I’ve missed all of my lithium among my general health meds. I just started crying at something mundane on a television show and I know for sure I’m off. How do you guys cope with this?
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self.bipolar
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Is it normal to want to deny that I might be depressed? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I have officially decided that I am going to kill myself. I'm officially fucking done with life... I have plans to buy a nitrogen tank and fucking gas myself until I loose consciousness. But I don't want anyone with my body. I don't want anyone to find my body. Anyone have any ideas of where could I go to off myself where it is guaranteed that no one will find my body?
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self.offmychest
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Does anything specific give you anxeity/panic attacks? I dont know why but i cant handle loud yelling even if its not towards me. My heart starts racing and i start to cry. Does Anyone experience something similar?
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self.Anxiety
|
I have depression and anxiety. Should I still get a job? I have a long story but don't feel like giving all the details right now..
I graduated high school 6 months ago. I was supposed to move elsewhere and work for about a year before deciding whether I should go to college. Those plans didn't take place, so... I've been staying at home since then.
Yet, long before that (Perhaps for the past 2 or 3 years), I've been really declining, just barely passing my classes and even failing calculus twice. Slowly spiraling into depression although I was never sure until now.
And now that I'm out.. I'm pretty much depressed. So many things that stress and worry me. I can never get anything done, I never feel interested in anything, I always feel tired.. And yet my mom has kind of been pushing me into getting a job while the move situation gets resolved. It really seems like the right thing to do.
Yet the idea just feels terrifying. Like I KNOW I should find one, bu I also dread the idea. Probably my anxiety acting up, but also because I worry it'll only make me worse. I'm constantly on-edge and just about anything can ruin my mood for the rest of the day. In my mind, I tell myself that I'm in no condition to work full-time but then I feel guilty because that might just be an excuse.
And just a few minutes ago, a cousin messaged me saying there was a spot I could take at a hotel that he works at. And again.. That feeling of dread, the guilt for even feeling like this, and overall just wanting to decline but not knowing how to say it.
Thoughts?
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self.depression
|
WeLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP Yo! My names Josh. I am suicidal as fuck. I dunno. Maybe I just need to say it or something? I think about it daily. Hourly. Like jesus I need help haha. I won't get it though. I dunno maybe I'm lazy or something. I just fucking hate myself. I enjoy life, i love my friends, family, everything. I just fucking hate me. I don't think I'm a bad person. I just don't like me. I hate this world. I enjoy everything that's in it. But it's not interesting, i'm not interesting. Blah blah blah whiney stuff whiney stuff about depression. I hate it here. I love living where I am i just hate it HERE. This planet. Universe. These people. I love everyone around me and I love to make friends. But I fucking hate people. No one wants the same thing anymore. All we want is this and that but we never work towards it. I don't work towards it. I guess you could say that's why I hate me. I've bunched myself in with...well everyone. I sit everyday and it's hard for me to wake up, leave the bed, do anything with my life. I get a job, love it, but then never fucking go to it the next day because I fucking hate me and I can't help anyone if I tried. I wasn't always like this and I don't know when it started. I don't have that bad of a background...I just...fucking suck. I wanna just sit in the car in the garage and let it ride y'know? Fall asleep to some tunes. But I promised my best friends I wouldn't kill myself. I can't because I promised them. It's literally the only thing stopping me. Even then the promise was if it was time then all three of us would kill ourselves. I literally had to jolt myself awake because I sat in the car too long. I wanted to. I don't know why but I just wanted to die that day. It's hard. I don't know why it is but it is. I don't know what I'm fucking talking about anymore. Why am I telling you this? What's the fucking point?? I'm not going to fucking read these anyways. Pointless.
Joshua Swarb
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self.SuicideWatch
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Pathetic, just got fired, the girl i have feelings for already has a bf. So to short it up, im a total failure. I´m 32 have been wobbeling along with jobs and living. Have no carrier because im average at everything i do. Have normal looks, but since im always depressed and stressed i have a hard time approaching woman. And when i finally do either they already have bf, or i manage to self sabotage it. Just now i had a girl at work which i connected with. And ofc she has a bf, and now when i got fired thats basically instant rejection. Nice pathetic life i have
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self.depression
|
Everyone's too busy for me When you're depressed you're a pretty big drag on everyone else. It's a very lonely feeling to feel like dead weight and realize you're a waste of time. Hopefully I can become happier one day so I can be a positive part of people's lives.
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self.depression
|
Update on Policy For New Accounts and 30 Day Review We have instituted a 30 day new account review for all new accounts. This is to protect our user base from banned users. We have been harassed and brigaded. I wont go into the specifics, but this is necessary to keep the community safe.
**What this means:** All posts and comments go through our mod queue. We approve them as appropriate at a human rate.
**Please do not message us from new accounts asking to approve your posts. We are doing that as fast as we can.**
If you want to become an approved user prior to 30 days, we need you to message us from the account you would like to use and then your alt account which we will review. If you have zero history and no alt account, then all posts will be reviewed until your account is at least 30 days old.
Thank you
-sweetpea122
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self.bipolar
|
My migraines and my bipolar... My migraine.
I can’t even see the page to type this through the fractal explosion of geometric eye blades. I can barely type because of a severe numbness in my left hand. I want to get this down on paper as it happens though and before it gets too unbearable. Something about naming the beast making it less scary, less real. I wish it were that easy. It repeatedly comes to mind that I might be having a stroke, a brain tumour or rather a haemorrhage. It seems impossible that something so sudden and violent, so alien and intrusive and so very painful couldn’t leave some lasting damage. I have these grim thoughts every time I have a migraine. I have been having them frequently since I was about 12 years old.
Please forgive me if these descriptions are over laboured and dramatic or seem fanciful but I have had years of this pain and countless hours and days in this pain to think about how to name this pain. I have bipolar disorder and I suppose I do tend towards the macabre. Furthermore, this is an attempt to describe the indescribable.
The first indicators of the onset of my migraine are the visual aura which always begins for me in the extreme periphery of my vision and usually from my left side. It takes the form of the kind of visual echo or distortion that can be left over after looking at a too bright fluorescent light or the sun. I often get freaked out or paranoid that these uncommon visual blips mean that a migraine is on its way. I feel that the stress or worry of thinking one is coming can exacerbate its advent, can perhaps even bring one on where there was nothing. This fear can be visceral. I feel like I have been marked. I feel like I am being hunted.
My fingertips go numb and within a couple of minutes a pins and needles like numbness has spread up the arm and down the whole side of the body and is most pronounced in the side of the face, head, oesophageal tract and especially the mouth. A spongy fat tongue makes for slurred drunken like speech and it makes it embarrassing to ask for help. In bad cases, it can make the uvula and throat feel so swollen and can induce a fear that one’s breathing will be blocked. A fear of a kind of anaphylaxis.
Sometimes the stress of feeling this way is enough to bring on a real migraine where there might have only been light distortion or sensitivity before. Being outside when one of these begins is problematic particularly if one has to negotiate busy roads and crowds, this can make one feel incredibly vulnerable and paranoid. Fear and paranoia go hand in hand with migraine. I wonder again if I am having a stroke. Should I ask for help or just go and lie down in a dark alley next to some bins?
Next up - a visual distortion or aura grows into the form of a spiralling fractal ring composed of several interlocking rings of linked triangles in alternating and opposing colours of black, white, grey, super bright silver and all dressed in a mercury-like shimmering quality. There is a distinct mechanical, numerical or mathematical quality to these. They are spinning around each other similar to the gears inside a watch or an illustrated or animated and exploded schematic of some complex machinery. They obliterate my field of vision and distort everything I look at. Closing the eyes does not make them go away instead they tattoo my inner eyelids with fire.
They feel or appear at this point like they are made of a material that is hard and sharp and unforgiving compared to the soft, squelchy, fragile and vulnerable stuff that my eyes, ears, skin and of course my brain are made out of. The brutal marriage of unforgiving metal and weak soft skin is a recurrent clash in my migraine. A series of metal, dirty rusty metal, ratchets and hasps squeezing and tightening and locking and clamping around different parts of my brain, the stem and the cortex and around each lobe and the top of the spine. These initial aurae are terrible portents of the coming of things that are so opposed and anathema to the soft inner workings of the brain – things like ratchet straps and bear traps, razor wire snares and gristle splattered meat tenderisers. There is a disturbing clash of the organic and the mechanical inherent in the images that pollute my field of vision at the start of the migraine.
These visual signifiers fade and give way to an incoming barrage of hammering red hot nails and needles penetrating into the side of the head via the temple and then scraping in and around the eye socket and this repeats as an interminable cycle. The mechanical nature of the aura gives way to a mechanised artillery barrage of stabbing brutalising weapons. For me this can last an hour, a day or in this most recent and thankfully rare bout; for hours every day for four days. The artillery analogy works best here because of the great violence of it all and that it leaves me as what I can only think of as shell-shocked. Whimpering, crying and abject - broken. A different person.
A severing, hacking detachment of some valuable and necessary part of the brain, usually grasped up and then severed roughly around the base of the occipital lobe; leaving the sense that this connection will not be made again. Loss. Something important lost. Removed. Robbed or stolen. Amputated in fact. I often think of those poor fuckers who wake up in a bath of ice in a grotty Thai hotel room having been robbed of a kidney. Hyperbole? Perhaps, but none the less there is something horribly seedy and obscene about the whole thing and this grim analogy sticks in my febrile imagination. A perverse desire to cause more pain to override the pain one is in can occur – to be knocked unconscious with a brick or a metal bar – pain trumps pain – beat the pain – kill the pain – beat the pain – dig and core it out with a spike or corkscrew and on and on and on ad-fucking-nauseam.
It feels like these omniscient devices or forces are trying to bore their way into the basal ganglia right at the centre of the brain and that they have some dark motive for doing so. I imagine that they are attempting to control aspects of my will such as movement, choice, decision making and the like. Again, there is so much damn time to think while all of this is going on and a mind like mine can only conjure up these sadistically willed forces. Time stretches out interminably during these episodes and becomes a period of zombie like bondage and a kind of living death. Or at any rate no kind of decent life.
Every time the migraine makes this journey into the centre of my self it chews up and destroys all these bits of me, burnt out fuses and electrodes, important bits of jelly that represent various aspects of the subject, the sufferer, the person and the self. It feels like it leaves one a mere copy of what was there before but a degraded copy. A simulacrum or derivative. This is a haunting feeling no doubt and usually fades in me as I return to myself and the pain gives way to numb dizziness which then gives way to some kind of relief in sleep.
No, not sleep, unconsciousness, and those are very different things indeed. You don’t fall asleep you pass out. It’s more like a narcotic coma or a catatonic sleep paralysis. Full of fear and worry that it could all just start up again…
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self.bipolar
|
. pretending like everything is okay even though you are really NOT okay. now i have a job and am going to school everyday everyone tells me " i am doing great, i am so much better." all that.
i try talking about someone but they end up talking about themselves or making the whole conversation about them. either that or they tell me to just suck it up, get to class because "you can do it!"
i hate talking like i have all these first world problems and i know people have it worse. but people are just now putting all the pressure on me to be "okay" because they don't want to deal with my problems. just putting on a fake act of happiness everyday is exhausting. people are so oblivious to believe it too.. i don't know what to do.
just all the constant realization of loneliness has really got to me. guess it is what i deserve. three years of this and its all i know now.
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self.depression
|
Why I should love myself I'm deserving of love.
I'll have more healthy relationships.
I'll be free of anxiety.
I'll be free of depression.
I'll be free of suicidal ideation.
I will be a better leader.
My children will grow up loving themselves.
I can love others in a more real way.
I need to stand up for what I believe in.
Hustling for perfection takes my energy away from more important tasks.
I'll be more fully human.
I have a story to tell.
Edit: spacing
|
self.offmychest
|
Why do I feel air between my frontal rib and back? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Why can't I be grateful for the things I have? Why can't I be satisfied with the things I have? Just because EVERYONE has these thing doesn't mean I need them. Why do I have to be so jealous?
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self.depression
|
Weed induced hypomania I smoked weed last night and I felt absolutely terrible. After 3 hits I became manic, and all of my psychotic symptoms came back (extreme social anxiety, existential crises, negative self talk) I’m taking an atypical antipsychotic and a mood stabilizer. I’m scared that this hypomania won’t go away. I just need a little affirmation that this feeling will in fact go away and I stay sober from marijuana and keep taking my meds. (I’ve only been on these meds for 2 months) I felt so good before taking a few hits of weed. Im scared that I will never feel that good again because I smiled weed. Can someone please give me any kind of advice? Thank you and bless you all
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self.bipolar
|
I gotta turn every situation into something bad Every time i have something good going with somebody i’ll be happy while i’m talking to them and then whenever i get a chance to think about the conversation my brain has to turn it into something bad. It’s like i desperately search for any little bit of negative energy and magnify it so i become convinced that this person hates me.
Fuck anxiety, i’m so sick of this.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I should start a losers anonymous community or something New account for obvious reasons.
For anyone that sees on the outside, 2017 was a hell of an year.
On the professional side, I got a job that allows flexible hours, I do not need to have an alarm to wake up and got two trips to countries I've never been paid in full because of some non-profit activist work I made. Also did some talks at conferences.
On the lovey side, I've had hot threesomes and so many people lining up to have bdsm stuff made to them I decided to charge to drive the demand down.
Now, to the other side: my relationship which was a huge part of my life ended in March. Also, suddenly I had no house to go. Maxed out (and defaulted on) three credit cards to get a new place to live - and some furniture on it. For months had back pain because I couldn't afford a new mattress.
I didn't have a time set to arrive at work, but I did have ridiculous amounts of work to do - badly paid work. And freelance stuff. Got so overwhelmed and deprived of sleep due to anxiety crisis I went to a psychiatric emergency hospital to get meds. Doing therapy as well, which I had to stop for some time due to money.
For some months, I barely got enough to eat. Health insurance is a dream I can't even imagine right now.
I feel a lot of women as completely disposable, because there are so many out there wanting me, and yet I don't feel like I want any of them.
And yet, I can't talk about my anguishes - after all, who gets to travel to lots of places and talk at conferences because of how amazing their work is? I feel like secretly I'm a loser, and can't talk to people about it.
Now I know what's like to be poor. It overwhelms you. And I don't wish it on anyone.
Also, if not figuratively, I literally got to the rock bottom this year. Getting to work, the floor broke and I fell 3 meters on an deactivated well.
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self.offmychest
|
I may be depressed, thoughts? Since about halfway through the current school year I've been extremely apathetic towards most activities, and have found the only source of entertainment in music and going to the gym. I've lost most of my appetite and have no desire to do most things at this point. Many video games I used to play just feel so dead and lacking of fun. Am I depressed, or am I just feeling low?
|
self.depression
|
Anyone else only nervous around their "superiors"? This is a weird one, but I've been thinking about it lately.
I mainly have social anxiety around my "superiors". That might mean literal superiors such as my boss, or more figurative, such as people who know more than me in a given situation, or are more well-known/acclaimed within the immediate crowd (like if I'm visiting a friend in their town; their turf).
If use the word "inferiors" in a similar sense, then I tend to be very confident among them. People who work under me, people who want me to teach or explain something to them, guests who I am hosting etc.
I imagine this is probably a recognised psychological phenomenon, though I'm not exactly sure how to phrase it in a google search. I wondered if any of you guys had experienced something similar/knew a bit more?
|
self.Anxiety
|
This Girl Keeps Hurting Me I found this girl, who is great and we are actually a lot alike, and it was after me and my Ex\-Girlfriend broke up so it was amazing to actually have someone who cares about me and liked me. Well she likes to do this thing where she disappears for a while. When we started dating she stopped doing that and she explained that whenever she starts actually liking someone or getting close to them she doesn't know what to and will just simply, not talk to them. Well everything was fantastic, and one day I kissed her \( and am her first kiss even though we are both above the age of consent \) the next day she disappeared and I didn't know what to make of it. She was gone for 8 days, and I found out it was some petty shit of her being grounded for no reason. Then, she did it again. She was gone, this time it was for about a month, she claimed she was sick and just couldn't do anything in life because of how sick she was and because of that she got super depressed and shouldn't be in a relationship right now. I being the person I want to be, told her its fine and that she doesn't need to text me until she is feeling better which she claimed to be about a week. About ANOTHER month goes by and she texts me "Yo" at 4am and i immediately reply, but to no avail. She texted me today and was like "sorry." fuck. I ask her whats going on and how is she, and she tells me she's at the movies, literally seconds after texting me. So a small part of me is worried that its a date and the other part of me is like "why does she keep showing up and leaving as she wants I don't understand" I haven't been talking to any other girls or anything out of respect for her and hoping to get back together after she was feeling better. I don't know what to say to her or what to do whenever she is out of the movie and if I should ask her. i'm freaking out and I don't know what to do. Any advice or what to do?
|
self.depression
|
I overthink to an extreme and get anxious when I get any sense that someone I care about is mad at me, even when they’re not and I know they aren’t. It’s unbelievably frustrating. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
My confession Kinda...
All day long I have been having the thoughts again, and the thing is, I don't WANT to kill myself, I don't think. Like, the thing is I think that it would be an easy out to kill myself, but I don't think I could do that to my family. But the big question is why would I think about it. I need to get this off my chest and out there while it's on my mind. This is going to be a long ramble for those who do end up reading.
I'm a piece of shit. Pure and simple. I am an absolute piece of shit of a human being. Don't get me wrong, there are good aspects about me, but there are a whole lot of bad things about me too.
For instance, I am a womanizing piece of garbage. I am married, yet I think about being with other chicks almost all the time. I think about flirting with them, and asking them out on a date. Now, the thing is, my wife has told me that she isn't really "in love" with me (oh hey, just got a text, she is staying at a friends house on valentines, that doesn't sound suspicious at all, but if I ask she will get pissed or lie, so why bother?), and while that could be a factor, it's not really the case I don't think.
I think that it would be simple to blame it on "well my wife doesn't give a shit about me, so why should I give a shit," when in reality it's because I am never satisfied with my life.
I grew up with my divorced mom, and my older brother. Life was alright for being a kid. My mom did what she could to keep us surviving, though we had to move constantly because my deadbeat dad never paid child support. I grew up spending time with my loving grandparents who did everything they could to instill the idea of loving all people in my and my brother.
Around my teen years things started fraying though. My ADHD seemed to make life unbearable. I couldn't focus on school, I never did any homework, like ever. I always caused trouble at home by sneaking out, taking my stepsister's car and just being a hoodlum. Always the same line from my mom, "do you not think about the consequences of your actions before you take them?" and the answer is no... It's actually been shown that people with ADHD have an issue linking actions and consequences.
I was never happy relationship wise, I would have been what the internet likes to call a "nice guy," always wondering why no one liked me. I was loner. I would try to fit in with groups, but I was always on the outside. I had to invite myself out to do anything. If I didn't ask anyone to hang out with me I was never on anyone's call list to hang out with.
I tried to have a few relationships as I grew up, each one ended with me being cheated on. Which in turn made me feel worthless, and defective. I tried to reinvent myself, I got lip piercings, shaved my head. I pretend to believe in jesus so that way I could hang out at youth meetings and feel like I belonged.
At one point I nearly hung myself in my closet. I came close. Noose around my neck, and I leaned forward until I felt the pressure. I realized then I couldn't do it.
Then I joined the army. I had wanted to join the army since I was a kid, and I did. Life was alright while I was in. I got in trouble a bit for having a messy barracks room, for "forgetting" to shave (really I would just be too lazy, or put it off then not have time), or just being forgetful in general. But I was good at my job. I was damn good at my job. Still not many friends though, and usually did my own thing.
I never made it past E-4, though I went in front of the promotion board 3 times while active duty, each time losing my promotablity due to failing a physical training test (failed the 2 mile run), and when I didn't fail the PT test, I never had the motivation or drive to accumulate promotion points. So, I got kicked out at my time in grade limit (if you don't get to the next rank within a certain amount of years, you have to get out of the army for failing to move up).
But that's okay, I had planned on getting out, and getting kicked out for not making rank gives you a sweet severance deal. I could finally go back to school. So, I started college.
Here I am, doing so much better than I did in high school, in fact my GPA is 3.83, which is awesome.
But I am a piece of shit. I did what I normally do, hit on every girl that I manage to have a decent conversation with. Drank way too much alcohol. And then I said the wrong thing to the wrong person and now I don't know what is going to happen.
Just had a hearing for sexually harassing someone at the school who is also a student. No response yet about what their decision is. More than likely I will be found at fault which goes on record for 7 years. Which means that any higher degree program I apply to if I want to get my Masters degree will see it. If I want to do OCS in the reserves, that is out of the picture for not being "of moral character," which I'm not, I'm liar, and a cheat.
I've been sexually assaulted (I would say raped, but there was no penetration) 3 times in my life. Which is fun... Not really. The latest of which happen in December with someone who goes to my school. Each time I was drunker than shit, so I blame myself and tell myself I must have wanted if I let it occur. I thought about telling the hearing board that and saying that I know how serious the allegations against me are because of that, but I felt like if I did, I would seem like I was playing the victim card.
I kinda wish I could die and start over, and if I knew that reincarnation was the real deal, I probably would kill myself. I don't know. I'm just a shitty person that does shitty stuff and everyday I wake up to gray world that used to have color and I wonder where it went.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Panic attack over my appearance. hey guys, ugly girl here. i know i am ugly from just looking at myself and how i have been treated. i have also asked honest opinions from multiple people and yes i am ugly. these people werent just being dicks or anything either like they rated everyone else pretty honestly if id say so too.
i knew this all along before though. it was so obvious, i was bullied for my looks after all...
anyway i am really stressing out right now and feel fairly suicidal atm because it really just hit me that i have this face for life... this face is what people associate me with
|
self.Anxiety
|
I should of listened To all the people that told me not to ask out my best friend. Now everything feels worse and I have no one to talk to. I feel like she's ignoring me now. And she treats me so much different. I hate that I care so much.
My only question I want answer is if I'm so handsome and a great guy why did you say no...
I got 3 more months left I decided a few months ago.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Psychologist vs Therapist vs ... I’ve dealt with major health anxiety for the past few years now and I’m trying to get help before I hit rock bottom and I’m sick of useless medical bills dealing with headaches and other random issues that pop up.
But I’m confused by what the difference is between a therapist, psychologist, counselor, etc. The only type I know is different is a psychiatrist. But I don’t know what’s better for my type of anxiety.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Really really really want to cease to exist (please help) I've just started uni last year and I feel so isolated from everyone else. It seems as though I couldn't connect and I think I feel even more isolated since we have a small class - I can't find anyone to talk to. My best friends from highschool all left to different countries and the more I talk to them, the more I miss them and feel alone. Just imagining my future being alone is so hard. I feel so guilt ridden and lonely and keep spending time thinking about the things I've done wrong and how I can't seem to get other people to like me or become closer to me. I kept browsing this reddit forum hours on end reading posts these past days and I seem to want to sleep just to escape this horrible reality (I decided to make an anonymous account just to post here). I think I have a tendency to overthink and overreact but I don't know if this is because of anxiety (I haven't seen a doctor and haven't been diagnosed) but whenever someone 'seens' me or ignores something I've sent I always feel like they don't like me. I keep trying to connect with people but I can't seem to do so. Now I keep having these 'panic attacks' where I just want to crawl into a hole and die. I tried to hang myself but it was too painful. I feel like I want to die but at the same time I want to live it is so confusing. I just want to not exist and need to feel this pain. I lost my appetite and just want to sleep all day now. I keep replaying scenarios in my mind over and over again and it's killing me. I really want to stop feeling like this and be happy again but right now I really want to die. Like I would be glad if I suddenly had a heart attack or stopped existing. I know some of you might think that I'm selfish but I can't deal with this pain anymore. I just keep listening to music and crying. I don't know what to do anymore please if any of you have any advice or help you can give me I would be so grateful
Sorry for the long post, really appreciate you reading about my situation
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self.SuicideWatch
|
im so numb to life .. (any words will help me right now ) [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I hate being that friend who has to invite himself Im in college and in a group chat with about a dozen other people. Every once in awhile someone will type "wanna go downtown tonight?" And some people, but not everyone will say "sure" or "no thanks I'm busy". In the last week, I've asked if anyone wanted to go to lunch, go to a comedy show last night, or watch a football game. All three requests were met with absolutely nothing. Not even people saying "no". Completely ignored. I've been friends with these people for four and a half years, and they flat out ignore me. It's a brutal reminder that all of my "friends" just tolerate me. I'm just not annoying enough to be asked to leave. If it weren't for this group chat, I wouldn't be invited to anything. It might be tempting to think "oh it's just a mistake, they're your friends. It happens". Yes, it happens, but it only happens to me. Anybody else types anything in the chat, they get a response. I have no doubt if one person agreed, the rest would join in, but only for that one person. No one wants to be with me.
I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of never being anyone's top pick. It's getting to the point where I'd rather be by myself than with people who make me feel more alone. If I had just one real friend, that would change my life.
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self.depression
|
Empty and ashamed I've finally pushed away the one person who means anything to me. I don't know why I expected him to put up with the shitty things I did. I was truly awful and in a way I'm proud of him for leaving, and the fact that I have to admit I feel that way is amplifying the pain. I am disgusted with myself. I am not a good person. I'd leave me too if I could.
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self.offmychest
|
I can't stop hating myself, I can't live with myself I don't know how to convey the shit going on in my head because it makes no fucking sense anymore. I've always been very passionate about women's rights, and related topics, but the whole thing has gotten me hating myself to such extreme degrees. I keep getting into arguments, or reading things on the internet that go against my world view, and it's killing me. It makes me feel so hopeless and isolated because no one is ever on my side. I'm convinced I'm fucking scum at this point because anywhere I try to argue something I believe or read someone else write something similar, its more often than not completely ganged up against or downvoted.
So I guess I'm on the wrong side as reddit or twitter is concerned, and I want to kill myself for it. There's nothing fun about feeling like the bad one when I just want people to be happy, when I want to make people happy. I don't want to think like this anymore and I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry if this is gibberish, I'm having some sort of psychosis episode, and I'm just trying to make sure everything is grammatically correct
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My co-worker brought coffee for everyone but me today... ...and you know, I'm pretty ok with it. Sorry your pettiness and dumb female games failed you. In case you forgot, I'm 30 years younger than you. I am the same age as your daughter. How would you feel if your daughter had a co-worker who bullied her? Who gave her the cold shoulder for no reason? You know you'd go running to her side, you know you'd call her fucking boss and chew them out.
You can't see passed your own miserable life. I'm sorry you hate your husband, I'm sorry you've had a handful of deaths in your family over the last year. I'm sorry you're unhealthy and overweight. But guess what lady? Everyone has shit. **Everyone.** Did I come to work and throw tantrums and scream and shout at you when three of my family members were diagnosed with cancer in one month? Did I not talk to you for weeks on end when my aunt died? Did I not treat you without any sense of human decency when I had a mental break down? No, I fucking didn't. Yet you certainly did all those things.
So yes, I hope you continue to treat our other coworkers with kindness and treats. Keep on guilt grooming them. I hope one day you'll do an ounce of self reflection and realize you're kind of a dick. And in the mean time I'm going to put my energy into our clients and keep trying to make a little positive impact on others lives while you throw your tantrums.
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self.offmychest
|
An observation from the grappling hook of being in a hole Hi, this is my first post on this subreddit. This was originally a bit of a rant due to unwanted attention during a black dog moment, and I have decided to leave it in it's raw form as opposed to proof reading it as an article. I hope you find it interesting.
Being in a hole is never a nice place to be, being overwhelmed or panicky, it's horrible, and can be triggered quite randomly it seems, but there is one thing that I find is really difficult to explain, maybe it's different for boys than it is for girls, but it's being in a hole and needing to find your own way out. My experience is that I want to find my own way out... on my own... once I can see a way out that's when I want help, when I can see the reachable foot and hand holds, but don't have the strength to use them to pull be up. That initial alone time can become essential when shame is the overall black dog component.
Sometimes something may happen that brings about a lot of personal shame. When this happens, really the last thing you want is people asking you about it, asking if you're ok, wanting to know about it. WHY?? To me a true friend is some one you love and admire and is there for you when you reach out to them and I am lucky, I have a handful of very good friends, they are always pleased to see me, we always have lots to talk about because there are no expectations. One of the things I really love about these friends is that they won't probe even if I look a little down. They will make cups of tea when I go round, they will talk about the latest interesting things and they won't go anywhere near that black dog even if it's sat on my lap chewing at one of my forearms, unless of course I ask them to help me get it off my lap. Then they will listen and do um's and ah's in all the right places, maybe give an experience they have had to make me not feel so alone. But one thing they never do is start throwing a stick for the dog while it's sat on my lap. To me this is true friendship and a real special part of humanity it's incredibly empathetic and caring.
Now then there are the other types, the ones who probe when you are not ok, they think they are helping by wanting to share your pain and understand it. So let's just have a little look at what is going on during these difficult times: Resources are low, you might be a winter sufferer, money maybe a worry, that's fairly common these days, but whatever it is that triggers dark times, the big overall blanket of what might possibly be going on is "shame", personal shame. Shame comes in many forms, but I am guessing for a lot of people it boils down to one thing: "I am having difficulty coping and I am ashamed that I can't seem to stand on my own two feet."
So going back to people trying to help... If you are in a dark spot and you are ashamed or embarrassed about things, these times do pass, they really do, for some it may be only a couple of hours, for some it maybe days or weeks, but they do pass. During these times, it is indeed difficult to reach out, to admit you are not coping is the ultimate in exposure, so for some people just hiding away for a short while can be very resource building. So you then have someone poke the dog awake for you and ask you to go through that shame all over again is really very difficult to deal with. Not only are you down and despondent with your own embarrassment, but now you have someone poking that into life appearing on the surface to be doing a great deed, while under the surface, what is happening is that the dog is starting to grumble and growl as the depression is now being compounded with social pressure and the shame that you were not able to please the people pleaser and help them feel better by suddenly being ok.
Yes, unfortunately, many people want to help at the slightest thing for whatever reason, be it low self esteem, or they are trying to drag themselves out of a hole they can't see. But really... don't do it. Most people suffering from depression know exactly what is going on for them, they've lived with it all their lives and know that actually, being alone is where they need to be for an hour or so. The bliss of being able to be around someone without having to speak to them is for me a huge compliment and everyone has their safe people that they can do this with. Other people need to get out of the way and go and live there own lives for those few hours. I do that, I see when people are in a hole and after about 2 of 3 sentences it becomes quite obvious where you should be whether being there making tea and sitting next to them reading a book or walking away to another place to let the sufferer find their own resources.
What I think I am saying here, is if you are not chosen as someones good friend, it's not personal, everybody likes different people, but please don't then pass your own low self esteem and shame onto someone who is depressed because you are not in their chosen circle.
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self.depression
|
Really bad new symptom and want to make sure I'm thinking of everything to tell my pDoc. I'm having a really hard time. My brain just isn't working right. I have to type everything I'm saying 2 or 3 times, I've never had a problem with that before. I play hockey and I'm usually pretty good and now I had no idea what to do with the puck. I even missed a pDoc appointment because I couldn't find the office I have been to probably 50 times. I just couldn't work out where it was.
I'm trying to work out anything that's different or not to tell him. I've not sleeping differently, I'm not taking any over the counter meds, I'm not changing my prescription meds, No dietary changes.
What else should I think about to tell him? It's been like this for a couple days and I'm really scared. I've been stable for a while and this is the worst I've been in a very long time.
edit: And now my pDoc is sick and I can't get an appointment until Tuesday. Which is pretty shitty.
|
self.bipolar
|
Whelp the HESI killed me I’m a sophomore and I just took the HESI today. I got such an average score. Everything was 80’s and I ended with an overall score of 84%. For those that don’t know what the HESI is, it’s basically an entrance exam to enter a nursing program. I needed to get something in the 90’s.
I don’t know what I’m gonna do. My counselor suggested I switch majors the previous semester but I have B’s and A’s. Sure I fucked up a few times but I’m still average.
I can take it again in a month or so but holy fuck. I thought I was doing amazing. I was so confident. I don’t feel like going to class today. I just want to sleep and cry.
|
self.depression
|
I want to be like the kool kids The caption says it all as a Norma teen I want to be praised by others I want to be loved I feel like if I go it won’t matter I’ll just be. Weird kid that disappeared I’m a worthless piece of shit that can’t get his license at 17 years of age i want a car a job so I can flex but here I am debating if I should hang myself with the belt like I planed last week & not doing my 10 page essay cause my grades are trash anyways and all my teachers hate me and a disappointment to my father knowing I’ll be good for nothing cause I don’t know what I want to be yet
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Wisdom Teeth removal tomorrow, feel a panic attack coming along soon. Getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed tomorrow and I can barely function today. All week I’ve been fine and I was actually excited for it but today has been bad. When I woke up, first thing I started thinking about was tomorrow. I can feel my heart pumping fast and hard, my breathing is really off right now.
I also want to say that I do have anxiety but I’ve never had a panic attack before, my ex use to have them often so I know what they look like.
I can’t function right now so any help and advice would be very appreciated, thanks !
Edit: I’m a 20 y/o male
|
self.Anxiety
|
i just want to taste death maybe i dont need to die yet. there’s stuff i could do, there’s stuff i have yet to see. but god do i wish i could just get even a *taste* of death—just the tiniest bit. just to know what it’s like. just to figure out if its worth it.
then i’ll know if i should
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self.depression
|
I created my first whatsapp story. I dont talk to anyone on whataspp but i know people that have my contact number can see if i changed my profile picture and status update. Today i created my first story, they dont really know me. It feels stupid because i see people constantly feeling the need to tell us what they are up too or where they are, like we're suppose to give a shit.
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self.depression
|
An Idiot- A story about me Time after time I let it happen again and again. I tell myself I'm going to be smarter this time, yet nothing ever changes. She walks into my life and eventually walks out. I tell myself I won't care for her I won't fall for her and I won't love her this time. But, every time she walks into my life I let it happen again. Nothing ever changes and I end up losing another friend. If love was an inning, I've already struck out.
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self.offmychest
|
I think I need serious help I'm not even close to the same person I used to be. I understand that people change and that's normal/healthy but every step along the way I've just been getting worse. I rarely feel happy anymore, the only emotion I really feel is anger or hatred for anyone and anything. Everything annoys me. Earlier today I was talking with my mom and when she started saying things that pissed me off without even thinking I slammed the box of pills I was fiddling with onto the table, sending them everywhere and stormed off. I immediately felt regret for what I did but I can't just take it back. I don't enjoy hanging out or talking to people anymore, I very rarely have passion for anything anymore and I don't understand why or how I even became this way. This isn't how people are supposed to live, how do I fix my view on the world? I have absolutely no idea what to do, I just feel like I'm in such a dark place mentally. Relationships of any kind are difficult for me because I just don't care about people enough to maintain those relationships. Sorry this is just kind of an outpour of whatever I'm thinking at the time but I'm just genuinely pretty lost as to what I can do to improve my mental state. I don't know what I'm looking to get out of this post, I guess just some advice? Anything really. I'm 20/male & unemployed, I don't know how to drive and my mom can't really teach me so I feel pretty stuck in that regard, I also owe ~$400 to my credit card company because of some debts I couldn't pay when I quit my job at a movie theater for another job (that I already had a start date for) and then something went wrong in their systems and I was out of a job, haven't been able to find one since so that's probably part of why I might feel this way, subconsciously? I also gained a lot of weight in the past few months after losing a lot, from 210lb to almost 160 and I'm pretty sure i'm back to where I started, I want to join the Air Force for a few years to help pay for college but first I need to get fit again which is pretty daunting considering all the weight I just put back on and my unhealthy eating habits.
Anyway, that's about it. It feels a little better to type it all out but I would appreciate some kind of advice. Throwaway account but I'll be around for the next 2-3 days. Thanks for reading.
|
self.depression
|
not even suicidal but i feel so fucking shitty and like attention-seeking and 'crying wolf' when i say i want to die or kill myself b/c i and my drs know that i'm not actually a suicide risk, like i am fairly certain i couldn't do it to my parents, or would be unwilling, at least with how things are now. but i still feel like i want to die and then i feel guilty about it because i don't want to die enough to like.... actually kill myself so i'm just like fucking faking and then feeling sorry for myself and like i'm belittling the seriousness of actual suicide or the condition of being an actual risk.
also side note i turn 21 in less than a month and i don't think i want to get to 21, i don't want to be that old and have fucked up as much as i have, i don't want to be an actual adult with all of my problems and fuck ups instead of like a whiny angsty kid. i don't want to deal with everything i've fucked up in the past five years for another seven fucking decades, i want to die while i might still have some potential left before i destroy it all.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How have SSRIs positively changed your life? How did you know that you found the right dose? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
I wish it could just disappear instantly. I have no way to record progress. Being happy doesn't mean I'm losing my depression, it means I'm having a happy episode and soon will become even more sad than before.
|
self.depression
|
Happy fucking new year /s Why can't I ever catch a fucking break???
Why does life continuously shit on me???
Why?
I figured that us getting a place to live like that was a long shot, but why can't I just get a fucking break just fucking once?
Am I truly this horrible of a person?
Have I really fucked up my own life so badly that I'm just going to get shit on for the rest of it?
I know I'm a fuck up, but does that really mean I need to be miserable forever?
6 of us living in a 1 bedroom shit shack with two people who don't want us there...
So... Can I kill myself now?
I'm ready to be done.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How does dating even work when you're a male with anxiety?! [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
I shouldn't be fucking crying on Christmas Eve I don't know if I'm formally diagnosed with depression but here I am. I've systematically lost all my close friends. I miss them so much. I just suck at staying in contact and let one fight go without communication for months until I'm too scared to talk to them ever again.
I'm literally procrastinating on life. It's been a year since we got new carpet and I still haven't moved my things back into my room because it feels like too much work and I'm too worried about messing it up.
It's been years since I talked to to my second best friend because I'm too scared she doesn't want to talk anymore. I lost most of my other friends the same way. I put everything off and let it built up.
I miss how everything used to be. I miss having friends to talk to and share memories with. I put everything off and then I can't let it go and now it's Christmas Eve and I'm fucking crying about it all.
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self.depression
|
I've gone from having zero sex drive and being unable to orgasm to masturbating four times in 24 hours Yeesh this is a total flip
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self.bipolar
|
Does anything ever really help? Does it really? Because as I read peoples words they feel empty and when I hear people try to comfort me it just doesn't mean anything. It feels like my back is always exposed and people would just use any information I give them against me. I feel alone and weak and I don't think that will ever change, most the crap I hear about find your center or find your purpose bullshit is only frustrating because at the center there is nothing, my purpose is nothing, nothing is interesting, nothing can bring forth any effort to do anything, I've lost weight recently and gotten a lot of praise about it, but I don't tell anyone it's because I just feel so down I can't even muster the effort to get up or leave the room for food. So what help is there, what works?
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self.depression
|
I called the cops finally! On my upstairs neighbor. I always hear a scream from a lil girl whos less than 6 y.o....for months..its not a normal whiney cry, its like scream hysterical(torture) cries and made me feel so hopeless...i was scared to call cops cos i was scared id get attacked from neighbors, but when the SCREAMS woke me up at 4 am, enough was enough....:) i feel less guilty now..
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self.offmychest
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lexapro? so hello, i don’t post here a lot but today something came up. I’ve been struggling with depression for a long time, and my therapist suggested i see a psychiatrist and try medicine. he ended up suggesting prozac and lexapro, and prescribed lexapro to try first. while im aware everyone has different experiences, has anyone been on it before? did it work for you, and are there any significant side affects? thanks
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self.depression
|
Drug tests are stupid, and so are the companies that require them. I was a regular pot smoker for the better part of the last decade or better. Pretty functional pothead, in that I held down a job and all that, but I was starting to feel some of the physical ramifications of it all. Shitty lung capacity, decreased desire to socialize, eating too much, et cetera. I want to make more of myself, and pot was holding me back.
After I got laid off from my job in July (for unrelated reasons - the company went out of business), I decided it was a good time to take a break. I've smoked twice since then, both in social situations. Once on my birthday, once at a Halloween party. Other than that, I have kept clean. I don't even miss it as much as I thought I would.
I have a drug test next week for a new job. It's not really my dream job, but it would be a nice bump up in pay, and I want it. I know pot should be out of my system by now, but I'm a heavy-set guy. I know it has a tendency to linger in the bodies of at people a bit longer. So, I took an at-home drug test I got off Amazon to try and ease my mind. Didn't work. I failed for THC.
I don't know what I'm going to do. Not getting this job won't be the end of the world, but it will suck. Might pick up some kind of detox/flush thing and take my chances. I don't know what kind of test it's going to be, as I wasn't sure the right way to ask them during the interview. Hopefully, it will be a saliva test, but I'm preparing for the worst.
The more I think about this, the more it bugs me. I would be a fucking great employee for this company. I don't drink or take smoke breaks. I don't have kids so I won't need to bail on work for school functions. My only real vice *was* that I liked having a bowl waiting for me when I got home from work, and once in a great while with friends. Nothing that would ever affect the company in anyway shape or form.
It seems like if a person has an actual drug problem, a company should be able to tell that in the interview. Somebody who's strung out on heroin or a coke head or whatever should be obvious to spot. I could be a hardcore alcoholic, and I wouldn't have this problem. Hell, the manager in the interview kept making jokes about excited they were about "Thirsty Thursday" or whatever. Stupid.
Anyway. I'm not going anywhere productive with this rant. The TL;DR of it all is that drug tests are dumb, and so are the companies that require them.
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self.offmychest
|
On the verge of being academically dismissed *This is gonna be a wall text and before anyone freaks out for me in the comments, right now I'm calm. Freaking too calm for what I should be in this situation.*
Last year, I came back to university after six years. I got in a prestigious law school when I was 20 and dropped out four semesters later. I've attended all the fourth semester classes, but missed all the exams weeks. On purpose. I was so... I don"t know. I felt like welcoming a disaster, any kind, that would finally put an end to my misery. I was fliriting with insanity and death. There is no other way of putting how I felt. I missed all the exams, because I didn't want to return to classes. I didn't want to finish the course which I had a full scholarship. I knew my parents wouldn't agree with my dropping out. They would force me if needed to return, after all, that was my chance. I was the first person of my whole family to go to college. It was a too eventful thing to let go like that, but I didn't have strength anymore. So I missed all the exams to fail everything and, in case one of them tried to go there to speak on my behalf for a second chance, the college wouldn't take my previous grades into consideration.
I did it and didn't tell my parents. I started to search for a job again after that, so I'd be working when the new semester started, thinking the blow would be softer on them when they learned about my drop out. I was soo wrong. Their reaction was over the top anyway.
I spent the following years working in different places, areas, positions, got promotions, until I was working in one famous law firm here and started to feel overwhelmed with the long hours that came with my then most recent *promotion* (in italic because they just changed the name of my position, gave me more work, but the payment was the same). At the time, I was living alone for the first time and living far from my job, I was basically just working and sleeping.
One day, going to work, I got out of the bus and got in one of the streets at the left instead of going ahead, as the office was at the end of the street. As I distanced myself physically from the building that day, I felt myself lighter. All the headache, the dark thoughts, the fatigue I had been feeling, even on the way there that day, felt like disappearing. My heart didn't feel like it would burst at any minute anymore. The air seemed like returning to my lungs. I walked until the main avenue of the next neighborhood, took another bus and got back home. The following day, I went to work, but instead of stopping on my work floor, I stopped at the HR floor and quit. It surprised everyone.
Then I went to work near home. I could go on foot if needed. The hours were unconventional and it requested as much time as the previous job sometimes, but I couldn't care. I felt better. Because of the unconvetional hours, I had a perfect excuse not to interact with people whenever they wanted, which gave me time to rest and get myself together whenever I needed. I'd probably still be working there had my boss not started to change my tasks (and hours) almost daily when the owner decided to *broad the company's horizons*. I needed to keep my routine. It is what keeps me sane.
I stopped one day and thought in everything I could do to have a job that pays me enough to live (and this only includes paying rent in a very small place, electrical power and food. I can live without internet and other contemporary needs. I lived without them when I was living alone, no problem) and that wouldn't mess with the routine settled after awhile. The best solution I found was going back to university.
Ten years after my last high school year, I took the exam necessary to enroll at colleges (I think the Americans call theirs SAT) and was accepted at the top university of my country. It was the first time I tried to enroll there, because I never thought I had what it was needed to be accepted. The 17-year-old me would freak out if I went back to tell her "Ihavebecomethis, you will be accepted at the top university ten years from now, but the coolest thing is that when you sit to do the SAT, you will be amazed by all the knowledge you retained and that you have no idea you did now".
I returned to classes the second semester of last year in a different major. I thought things were going to be easier this time. I know why I am there - different from many of my classmates (most fresh out of hs). I understand how much is at stake and all that blah blah that few of us really understand at 18. But time... time is proving me wrong.
I was fine on the first semester, then there was a fire on the building of my major and our classes and calendar became a whole mess. The university gave the chance to put that semester on hold for those who desired it. I took too long to decide and lost the deadline. I took too long because the following week to the fire messed up a lot with the routine I was settling for myself and the "classes return tomorrow"/ "classes cancelled for today because of power/water/another fre/whatever" every other day were making it difficult for me to follow my classes, what led me to a depressive spiral. I accepted that semester as lost and all the bad consequences that would follow.
We thougth the calendar would be back to normal this year's first semester. Just thought. The consecutives postponements to the beginning of the classes of my major's building took their toll on me. It was the fourth semester of law school all over again, but this time not attending classes and worse. I kept thinking of the time I was wasting waiting, the waste of getting back to obtain my education instead of continuing in the work force and many other things, related or not, to my professional future.
Last year, at the time of the mess following the fire, I was thinking of killing myself. The thing is I had a loved one who tried the same thing when I was 15 and it caused me a lot of pain and I still don't know whether I recovered from it, even though the doctors saved them. From then on, I decided I don't want to inflict this kind of pain on people that love me and I think it's this decision what refrains me most of time. But last year, I got to the point of setting a date and a way to go. The previous night of the day I'd do it, one of my best friends came to my house out of the blue and asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. How could I tell her I was thinking of killing myself the following morning? I accepted her request and decided that I'd do it on my birthday. So my family would have one single date for my birth and death and it would be one month after her wedding. Time enough not to stain her joy.
I attended her wedding and acted happier than I really was. Don't get me wrong. I was happy for her, but my mind was still suicidal. I didn't want to leave any mark of it on the recording. I didn't want her to watch her wedding tape later and see me gloomy or something like that and blame herself for not noticing. So I acted very happy. Too happy.
When my birthday came, my family was travelling as it usually falls on a holiday. I didn't want them to receive a call asking them to return because of me. So, I spent the holiday telling myself I just needed to hold on until the return of the classes. Things would get fine. I just needed to hold on. And the postponements came, the dark spiral came and I learned a new way to kill myself. After spending a whole week too close to the edge, I took all the strength I had left and went to psych hospital I heard a lot of while I was growing up. It is far from my house and just for mental disorders. I thought "I don't care if they keep me there if it means the end of this pain. I don't care if they give me so many pills I can't even remember who I am. I just want this to stop".
I was diagnosed that day by a psychiatrist. She told me she couldn't do my treatment because of the state procedures which only allow citizens to be treated at the nearest hospital to their house and only there, so she gave me a paper to start the treatment here and some anti-psychotic pills.
A week later I had my first and only appointment with the psychologist the hospital here set me up with. I entered her office full of hope, with energy to go to classes that afternoon, but the experience with her was horrible. Even though I told her I don't regret dropping out law school, she kept insisting I wanted to return to the point her assistant cut her saying "I think the law school part is well resolved for her. She doesn't want to return there", among other things like her admission of not caring to read about the psychiatrist wrote about me on the paper. I left her office crying, didn't go to university that day and spent the following two weeks holding on tightly on my private hell. I tried to be transfered to another psychologist, but the hospital said because of the street I live, I can only be treated at that hospital with **that** psychologist. Yes, mental health in my state depends on the freaking street you live. That's crazy!
I lost the semester again.
The good thing was that I had time to put myself together for this semester. Two of my classmates are my age, so I don't feel so out of place this time. I forced myself to be more outgoing than I am, what was and is still being a good experience.
This past week I pulled three all-nighters to finish the final works for two courses. I finished all of one of them on time and I'm proud of it. Not just for finishing, but for the result of some of them. I did things I didn't know I could at the beginning of this semester. The work of the other course, well, I won't be able to finisn on time. This is the last week and the deadline is on Thursday. Tomorrow I'll go the university to talk to my professor and ask him if he can grade me for the work I have done so far. I don't mind failing. I just don't want to add another zero to my collection.
The third and fourth courses have the same final work and, as far as it goes, **everybody** will fail. Seriously. But that is another story.
And my fifth and last course finish last Friday. I froze the previous day (read: nervous breakdown) and couldn't finish my paper. It is 90% done since then. The professor said the ones who didn't gave him the paper on Friday could send him later through e-mail, but until now I can finish. And the problem is not that I don't know what to write, but how to write. I spoke what is missing on my paper to one of the classmates my age and she told me I haven"t finished yet because my analysis is too deep compared to the analysis of our classmates that she read. She told me to write what is missing the way I spoke to her, but I think it will ruin my paper and I need a decent grade on this course. Why?
Remember the title of my post? Yeah. Two semesters with zero don't help anyone and at my university, if none of the three first semesters have the sum of the grades divided by the number of the courses taken that semester above three, you are academically dismissed.
I'm positive I'll get a good grade on the course I finished it all, but this one of the 90% paper is a mistery. The professor, for sure and with reason, will take points because of the delay and my situation in the other courses are not on my favor.
I accept advices on how to overcome this.
**TD;LR: 28, second ride to university, recently diagnosed, untreated, risking to be academically dismissed**
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self.bipolar
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I wrote a stream of consciousness poem to express and illustrate my ups and downs. Just wanted to share. [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
I could really use someone's opinion here I am afraid to be in public. I feel like people are watching me or staring at me and sometimes even following me. I sit in the back of all my classes and avoid crowds at all costs. Whenever I'm out I start getting nervous. My head starts hurting and I start breathing heavier. I get sweaty and nauseous and that increases my nervousness. I try not to leave my apartment and I try to avoid most social interaction if at all possible. I haven't told anyone this and it's been going on for quite a while. How do I approach telling someone or fixing this. Should I tell my parents about this? I'm just really unsure of what is going on.
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self.Anxiety
|
Help me with a fitness plan to ease my self into a fit life. Hello Reddit,
I am trying to put my life back together after a emotional 6 months. Break ups are hard but in a city with no family and fiends shared by both of you it takes a toll. My ex has moved on and I am happy to see his smile. All I ever wanted was him to be happy in life and I guess I was not it. Now I need to focus all my emotions towards myself and find what ever ounce of happiness I can find. I have lost 23 lbs in those 6 months not because I'm active but out of depression. Now I figured weight loss is possible and I can do that now. It's probably the worst time to start during the holidays but, they are harder when your alone with out family around. So I am seeking help from you all. I am looking to ease into this weight loss journey and then work up to a actual gym. So I have access to my apartment gym with limited machines. I am going to make a conscious effort to make myself better food choices. Any small and easy lunch recipes would be greatly appreciated. I will take note on all suggestions given. Thank you are a trainer and would like to share some free advice to me and help me please dm me. Thank you again.
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self.offmychest
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I'm a useless fuck and I don't know what to do. I can't focus on my work. I'll be lucky to manage a 2.0 GPA. I tried to talk to a peer counselor. I rang three times. I tried to stop by CAPS even though they forbid dual relationships and I'm now a psychology major and they were closed. I tried calling my old doctors office. Closed. I kind of want to kill myself. My parents are going to be furious. I'm probably going to lose my scholarship and I don't think Vocational Rehab will pay for next semester. I can't afford 16k.
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self.bipolar
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Getting a bit high... escalating quickly So my psychiatrist put me on Lamictal first, then added Seroplex (SSRI) about two weeks ago. And two days ago, I finally started getting better. Like a lot, lot better. And I feel I'm getting higher and higher as the days pass. Today I'm missing work because all I want to do is to see some friends and climb a building. I wanted to watch a TV show but I can't since I just wanna dance and sing and do something. All my apartment's completely clean (much thank's to high me) so there's no much to do here.
I feel like my chest is heavy as shit, my arms and my legs need to move. I've been getting no more than 4 hours of sleep last days. I felt great... Now I feel just awesome.
And I just can't get out of my head I should buy anything I think of, like this TV which is around 2000$ while I have an income of barely half that. It feels right and the right time. Don't know what to do. But guess what, I'M GONNA CLIMB A BUILDING. No worry, pretty safe though.
edit: by -> buy
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self.bipolar
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Have you ever had a doctor avoid diagnosing you with bipolar? .
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self.bipolar
|
i'm trying hi, i'm sorry if my writing is bad, i have a headache and i feel dizzy. today i tried to hang myself.
the reason i didn't succeed was because of the method that i used. when i did a research, i read a lot that i was going to feel some discomfort but i would also black out in about 10 seconds. i didn't have anywhere to do it the traditional way, so i had to get creative and that's why i was able to get out of the rope. the problem is that i didn't black out, i'm not sure how many seconds i was on the rope but it felt like forever, i couldn't breathe and i was trying everything to get air, i was feeling a lot of pressure in my face. it was so painful that i somehow had the strength to brake free. i don't understand why i ended up backing out of it, when i was sure i was ready. i know that if i chose this i shouldn't be complaining about pain. i've been with depression and anxiety since i was a teen, it's now been ten years since it started and i only just keep making everything worse. i finally had a job, i moved out from my parents, but now i don't have a job anymore, i have a lot of things that i need to pay, my depression and anxiety got worse and it's difficult for me to go outside. i don't know what i'm supposed to do. i don't have anyone to talk about what else i'm supposed to do, the reason i moved out is because my parent wanted to live on their own, said it's too difficult to live with someone else. i stopped talking with everyone that i knew. i'm lazy, irresponsible, liar in some cases, i would go on but the bottom of it is that i'm probably the thing that i hate the most. when i try to do the right thing i only end up making everything worse. i don't know what to do.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Having no one to talk to at school is the worst. [deleted]
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self.depression
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No one takes me seriously because I'm young I'm 15\M and don't want to live anymore. I told my school counselor but be just dismissed it because of puberty.
The reasons for my desire to die are:
-Friends have been pushing me away and excluding me
from events
-Sleeping feels better than everything
-Never had a girlfriend, prob never will
-Family has no money, literally no money to buy groceries this week
-Mom is always crying
-I'm fat
-No Motivation for school or sports
-My brothers a deadbeat and I don't want to disappoint my mom aswell
-Nothing is fun anymore
-Everyone is better than me in everything
-Always have to cry
Reasons to live :
-Dont want to traumatize my family
I was the funny guy in my circle but now I can't even fake being happy
Help me please
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self.SuicideWatch
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I trade stocks occasionally. Severe depression. Bi polar type 2 here? I trade stocks. I have severe anxiety do it. I get severe depression when i dont do a move i contemplated or even sold early. During this rebound in the market i am feeling very depressed i didnt hold my apple. I somtimes have a mood where i say " you are stupid" and i somtimes lay in my bed and say "i want to disapear". I only make money from trading. I am unemployed and my doctor doesnt write me a letter for disability. I feel i am unsuccessful only making 6k a year. I only make under 30 trades a year from intense anxiety. I am very sad right now. I dont know what to do. I sleep during market hours to keep from having anxiety. I wish i had a wife and children. I am nearly 31. I am not suicidal but i feel like disapearing. I live with my elderly mother and only have 2 friends. I want to be succesful but i am scared of the market.
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self.bipolar
|
Lithium - Why am I so stubborn? Okay, so I had my long awaited appointment with the pdoc yesterday. Well, it felt like a long wait to me.
I am to start lithium 300 mg tonight. I took it for short time when I was 15 years old and felt awful but I was also taking amitriptyline and risperdal so who knows. That didnt last long.
I am worried. I am still in denial to a certain extent. I dont want to lose myself. My creativity? My wit and humor? Im really freaked out about this.
I am in a dark hole lately, though. Last night was terrible. Mixed state.... ::shudders::
Someone, anyone, talk some sense into me.
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self.bipolar
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I feel guilty. I was talking to a girl and we were thinking about a relationship, all I needed was some more time. She gave me a month to figure it out we hung out and stuff, and now that I told her I needed more time- she wants nothing to do with me and she said she was in love so she's very upset and I feel like I'm in a hole I can't get out of. Is there anything I can do to get her to at least talk to me?
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self.depression
|
Anyone else struggle to hold down a job? It's so humiliating. I'm smart, hard working and I interview very well, so I've landed so many great job opportunities. I've blown them all... I was never fired, I always just stopped showing up because I got too stressed or symptomatic. It feels like full-time work is too time-consuming for me to maintain the amount of self-care I'd need to keep my symptoms tame enough to do great at work. I've kicked ass with part-time jobs, but can't handle this full-time business...
I'm so embarrassed. I'm still young (23) and still in the process of earning my Masters degree and have good educational and internship experience to vouch for me on my resume, but I still feel like such a failure. I just want some goddamn stability. I want to feel self-sufficient... capable... proud.
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self.bipolar
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Do you believe in a compensation or reward for making it through tough times? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Annoyed when no one understands you can’t control your anxiety? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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How Many Hours of Sleep Does someone with Bipolar Need? I feel like I don't feel well rested unless I get at least 9 hours of sleep. Is that too much?
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self.bipolar
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Does it really get better? I have been getting therapy and medication and I feel worse. I want to kill myself less, but that is because everything seems to be getting harder and harder. If I were to kill myself, I would have wasted a bunch of my therapist's time, a bunch of everyone's time. To think of how much time is left for me if I don't kill myself makes me wish I had killed myself sooner. The idea that I could enjoy life is something I can't imagine. I can't believe it. Is it even possible? Time is going too fast and everything is too hard and I can keep up and I don't know what to do. What should I do?
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self.SuicideWatch
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i cant sleep . And i cant stop thinking. There are so many thoughts racing through my head right now and i dont even know what im thinking about. I feel like im thinking about so much that i dont even know how to organize my own thoughts anymore.
In high school, my depression was caused by my parents and how they treated me. My grades were never satisfactory by their standards, and i hated myself every single day for it. My mom would yell at me because my dad would get angry with her for "not being a good parent" to us. She would even cone up with plans on her own to get a divorce without telling my dad first. Every single day i spent with her was like a living hell because all she would do was emotionally and physically abuse me. She drove me into a corner where i really didnt know who i even was anymore and i doubted my ability to succeed no matter what i attempted to do. I became exttemely self conscious and i still am, which has made me believe that i lack so much compared to other people my age.
Now, even when im away from my parents, i find myself isolating myself from anyone that could possibly care about me and just crying in my bed alone. Most of the time i dont even know why im crying. I just feel like i have to cry because if i dont then i feel even worse. If i dont cry i know ill have this intense feeling of sadness in my heart and no matter how many friends show that they care ill always feel like i have a brick of negative emotion sitting on my heart.
I hate that i cant explain why i feel sad or why i cry at night. I hate that i cant bring myself to tell people that im so sad because i feel like it makes me sound crazy to say that i cry a lot for no reason.
I just feel so horrible and the worst part is that i dont even want to help myself. I dont even want to reach out for help.
I want to be comforted, but i know that even that wont get me out of this hellhole im putting myself in.
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self.depression
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The hardest part is knowing it will never get any better... I have been depressed for over 20 years now and whilst i understand i have 100% success rate in getting over the bad days so far, i find no solace because it doesn't mean I'm progressing or improving.. I'm just coping.. and in my experience, these things don't get any easier.. they in fact get harder to deal with.. i can't even pinpoint the reasons why i feel like i do, or what triggers the bad feelings.. i just have a negative perspective on everything.. even though I've made it so far, one more day or one more time is going to be one time too many..
I feel the only control over this depression is the ability to end it for good by ending myself..
There is no hope for me.. i have no dreams and no ambitions.. I'm wasting the time that was given to me.. and of course, this compounds my negativity..
How do i keep going on? Where is the light? Where is the relief?
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self.depression
|
I feel like happiness is being drunk on life. And mild depression is a more honest and sober state. Like the only way to be truly happy is just living the life and enjoying it. And the second you start thinking about what all of this means you are bound to become depressed. Perhaps contentment, peace is what everyone is looking for. It's like balance between the two, I guess. What's your take on it?
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self.depression
|
Saying no adds anxiety Why is saying no so hard. I have always been very kind to people and I struggle to say no. Even in my own expense.
I just was able to make a big decision and resign from a job that made me unhappy but was very good position otherwise. Now my bosses are trying to make me stay with all kind of offers.
I feel very bad about declining those offers. I feel like I let them down and that I make them feel miserable. I would like to say yes, but I can't because of my own health. I really like them as well. It would help if they were dicks but they are great persons.
Any one else who find it hard to say no? So hard..
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self.Anxiety
|
I fell like the most embarassed I've ever been in my life :( So should I be this worried or it's not that big of a deal?
What happened is I sent like a really dumb text to a girl I really like (remember that it was on afternoon)
And my fucking excuse was sending another text now on late midnight that said like: "Oh no! I am not 100% sober! Forget that!"
And then after that, on 7:50 in the morning, I said: "Sorry about that, I was in a hospital examination and was on after effects of anesthesia, so I picked up my phone and sent you dumb things"
So now its afternoon of the next day and she hasn't responded yet, and I don't think she will ever do (she visualized all the messages). I don't know how to fell, because after vacations I will see her again (mind you that my classroom is very small on number of people)
I feel so fucking embarassed right now and wish I didn't send those texts to her, and for me it seems like she now thinks of me as weird and insecure...
1 year trying to approach her, and then this fucking text screws things up
Any advice?
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self.Anxiety
|
Didn't know where else to post Not even going to use a throwaway cause it won't matter. I've been thinking of killing myself for a year now, I think I'm ready to do it. Haven't set an exact date but I'll do it. I'm not going to see the end of this week, that's for sure. Before I do it, I'll send my user handle to a few people in the hopes that they find this. Hopefully give them an idea as to why I did this. So if you know me as a friend:
Hi, kabalo ko lisod ni sabton. I know none of you will expect this. I know some of you will say I mentioned doing it before, but never really thought I'd do it. But here we are. If I personally sent you my username, you meant something to me. You made me happy at some point of my life and for that, I am very very thankful.
If you know me as family:
I am so so sorry I did this. I'm sorry you'll have to spend money for a funeral and all. I'm sorry for everything that's about to follow but I this is what I want. There's no way I'm going to be happy. Love tamo tanan, ayaw mog sigeg away.
If you don't know me:
Be kind. Please be kind.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I faked an English accent when I went out last night and everyone loved it. I don’t get out much- like ever. Usually I don’t even attempt it because my self esteem takes some heavy blows when I do. Unfortunately I am just not very easy on the eyes and I’m lucky to get a fake smirk and a polite excuse about why someone can’t finish a conversation with me when I attempt to talk to them. Which sucks because most of the time I’m not looking for anything more than a conversation-but I digress.
After two bars, multiple drinks and about a dozen people avoiding even looking at me when I tried to strike up a conversation, I decided to try something different. I don’t know how it came up but basically my friends and I decided I should talk with an accent all night- for shits and giggles. I knew I could do it but I had to warn them that once I started I wasn’t going to stop. We came up with a backstory and everything and went for it.
It literally took 2 minutes of standing around talking to my friends for the first guy to come up to us, chat me up and buy me a drink. Almost immediately after a girl came to buy me a drink and Introduce me to the owner of the bar- who proceeded to give me “employee pricing” for all of our drinks. Everyone was talking to me, or wanted to talk to me. Literally one girl said she wanted to be me. A handful of guys even asked for my number , which never happens. I was told I was sexy and beautiful and “charming” because apparently most people can’t hear an accent without trying to imitate it. And best of all my friends and I were cracking up all night because it was all just so-ridiculous.
So thanks to that small town bar I got a little of my confidence back. Not because it was proof that I actually was all of the things people called me. But because people are shallow as fuck and I really don’t give two shits about what they think anymore.
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self.offmychest
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Severe anxiety/panic when thinking about death (existential fear) I’ve been getting these panic attacks/intrusive thoughts for as long as I can remember but for the past two months they’ve gotten more intense and more frequent (every day).
I’m terrified of dying, I can’t comprehend not existing and when I think about it I just panic. You’re not there but reality is continuing forever. I can’t describe it very well. What is not existing. I’m terrified of the thought of dying and the eventually cessation of the universe.
This consumes my entire thinking, I can’t stop panicking until I find an answer, I don’t know what kind of answer I’m looking for, I’m just really really scared.
Has anyone had any experience with these kinds of thoughts? Do you have any answers??
|
self.Anxiety
|
Suicide alternative: Moving away. I know my depression is caused by my own brain, but I believe my environment makes it much, much worse. I'm very liberal (equality and the evironment come first) and Athiest, and I'm in a very red state. All I hear at work is people complaining about liberals, talking about beating their childeren, and God this and God that. When I get home, my family is loving, but they are still nothing like me.
Have any depressives tried fitting their environment to suit them? Do you think this would alleviate the bulk of my depressive symptoms? Am I naive for thinking this would work? What will happen to our heros in the next episode? Tune in next week to find out!
|
self.depression
|
About to quit college and afraid of the aftermath of comments from my family.. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
How do you you feel good about yourself? I’m over the worst of my depression I think but I get some days where I feel like the biggest failure in the world and I’m useless. I want to think I’m awesome and be proud of myself but without being delusional. How do you make yourself believe it?
|
self.depression
|
My girlfriend of a year and a half is extraordinarily clingy, emotionally demanding, and completely dependent on me. She had friends before me but since she started dating me she’s pushed them all to the wayside in favor of spending all of her time with me. The friend group we used to share together no longer associates themselves with us due to some conflicts that arose and it’s a constant sadness the two of us both share as a result. I still have other friends but all she really has is one friend that’s always busy and my friends that sometimes hang out with the both of us.
Due to me getting kicked out of my house summer of 2016 I moved in with her and her mother and began spending all of my time with her. I fooled around with some substances and ended up getting kicked out of her house by her Mom a few months ago which ended up being a blessing. I had wanted to move out for a long time and regretted moving in in the first place, but had no idea how to do so. She hardly let me go out with my friends on my own without insisting she came too. I believe she may have borderline personality disorder. She is quick to argue with me, to say she is going to break up with me, which frustrates me immensely because I know she doesn’t mean it and is saying it for effect. There have been times where I’ve tried to drive away from her only for her to run after me, attempt to restrain me or stand behind my car so I can’t pull out. She has crippling anxiety and hasn’t been able to hold a job steadily for the entire duration we’ve been dating. The anxiety manifests into her not letting me do a lot of the things I would like to do without bringing her along to.
Her father died when she was 11. Her sister is unimaginably mean, vindictive and cruel to her. Her mother doesn’t understand how to deal with her anxiety. She tried going to therapy for three weeks but said she didn’t feel like it was helping.
It’s very sad because despite my gf’s flaws she is still an amazing person. She’s a very sentimental person who loves dogs and the little things in life. Not to mention the love she has for me. She is the most loyal, caring, attentive girlfriend I could ever ask for, when I ask for it. The thing is, I DON’T ASK FOR IT SOMETIMES. I don’t want it! How do I deal with someone who requires round the clock emotional maintenance? I love her so much but there are times when I want to be far away from her, doing my own thing in my own space for however long I want. In the entire year and a half we’ve been dating we’ve gone maybe two days without seeing each other.
I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I can spend my whole life with her. Very often I find myself annoyed and feeling sorry for her. And that makes me feel so guilty. She’s the most altruistic human being I’ve ever met and she deserves the world. I don’t even think I could ever bring myself to leave her, because I know she would be an absolute wreck. I’m really all she has.
tl;dr: title
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self.offmychest
|
Depression and anxiety has been getting worse, medication not working...I don't know what to do. I'm a second year university student and things have just been so bad lately in terms of my depression. I feel so isolated at school. What's really affecting me is I'm losing friends or things just aren't the same with some friends I used to call "best friends" and I don't know if it's me but they've all found new friends except for me so I feel so alone at school and at home.
I'm also doing really bad in school too and I feel like such a failure. I just feel so numb to the point where I didn't even study for my winter exam and just accepted my failure in courses. I even skipped midterms, where I was just about to enter the room and write it and I decided not to and went home.
I'm on Cipralex (10 mg) and Abilify (4 mg) but they're not working and I still think about suicide everyday. I'm not able to see my psychiatrist until 2 weeks later, but it's been so bad these few days and I'm scared because I'm thinking about killing myself that I upped my medication by myself to 20 mg of Cipralex just because I can't take this sadness and emptiness anymore.
I feel so alone. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. Or rather I can't burden people like this.
I don't know what to, someone please help me.
|
self.depression
|
First time reaching out to a doctor- told me i am not sick My doctor has commented on my anxiety several times when I’ve seen her for other things. She asked if I dealt with it Okay and I told her yes because I didn’t want to talk about it. She seemed genuine.
Well, it’s starting to take over my life with the shaking and the panic attacks and the “feeling like something horrible is about to happen” at *all* times. She always told me to contact her via the “Mercy Website” if I had a non-urgent question. I sent in an inquiry about my anxiety and asked what her opinion on best managing it would be. I got a reply within 24 hours, but I was so anxious about it that I didn’t open it for a week.
I finally opened it and I am freaking out, I don’t know what to do. It just says **“(My doctor) is out for the week. You are not sick and do not need to be seen for your issues.”** Okay, now what do I do? I don’t want to go in, I don’t want to message again for fear that someone who is NOT my doctor will read and/or reply to it. I feel paralyzed and like I should just not exist.
I just want advice I think. Are Anti-Anxiety meds worth this? Should I go in to see her? Should I send another message?
Help.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Does anyone else wake up in the middle of the night feeling really, really strange? Hey all, so this has happened to me twice now. I've fallen asleep and presumably not too long after I'll wake up but everything feels different. If you've seen stranger things, it feels like I'm in the underworld where everything familiar is there but there's just something unfamiliar about it. I also feel really light getting up and walking around and I get kind of nauseous and I don't have a single coherent thought. But by the time I get up and get a drink of water I start to feel normal again. Does anyone else experience this?
|
self.Anxiety
|
You know you are messed up when it feels wrong to be ok. I don't understand it really. For once i dont feel completely miserable but it feels wrong. I should probably use it for what its worth because i know for a fact it is temporary.
|
self.depression
|
I don't want to exist and I never have [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
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