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I Don't Know if I should Share This with my Friends Hey y'all,
For a large portion of my life, I've struggled with my depression. I cannot recall a time (until as of late) where I did not feel as though I was supposed to be here, if that makes any sense. I've gotten professional help this year and I've made leaps and bounds beyond what I was, and everyday since April of this year has been the happiest day of my life (even if some days sucked). This isn't what I was unsure about sharing, I've told my close friends and family this information and they're fully aware about how awful it got. One thing that I always did (and still do) was write about whatever was in my head so I could get it out, and there's one particular thing that I'm unsure of if I should share with them. Despite that, I do want to share it, and I figured that here would be the best place.
*Why do I do what I do?*
Everything I'm doing is because I have this feeling in my stomach I get when somebody needs help. It's a burning sensation that makes my achy joints numb, it makes my wear mind and muddled thoughts clear. I believe this burning sensation to be passion. It rips me out of my cozy bed and makes me go out and try to make a difference, but at the same time, it makes me so frustrated- not because it rips me from my cozy bed, but because it reminds me of how little I've done thus far. And it makes me think about how hard my goals are to reach. And it makes me wonder if the end result is worth the hassle now. I wonder if the future is worth any of the hassle I'm experiencing right now. Love, happiness, joy, belonging, feeling as if I truly belong in a world that I constantly worry about that I think wants nothing to do with me. Yet every time I think this, I am brought to tears with the memories I have made with everybody- the laughter and Saturday morning adventures, the day's spent by myself and the nights when we held each other on tear-soaked shoulders. I cry because these memories and the people inhabiting them make me realize: I do belong, and everything I do is so that I can make more of those memories tomorrow, and the day after that, and so on. Thank you all who inhabit these memories, you are the passion which burns inside me, you all make the hassle worth it.
Well there's that. I've been wanting to share it with somebody for a long time, but I haven't been able to work up the courage to do it, so I'm sharing it here with y'all to get it out.
Anyways, y'all have a good rest of your day and weekend :)
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self.offmychest
|
Merry Christmas you legends First time poster just looking to open up a little.
I'm just feeling more down than usual, have been for about a week or two. It's probably from a lot of things, mainly just feeling regret of this year now that it's coming to an end and also intense anxiety towards moving in February. I'll start with my year, (first year out of highschool) I was supposed to stay in my home town this year to work and get my shit together while my girlfriend is off at uni. Now that all went pretty smoothly but for the majority of the year I never sought out a second job even though I got shit hours at the place I'm at. I was supposed to get my licence and a car, which I didn't because I was shit with money (never got much in the first place) and wasted my time. Now that it's the end of the year and I have a little bit saved up and I'm really trying to get the requirements for my car licence sorted I'm scared I won't get it in time and that if I move without it I'll be in stuck in a rut. I said to myself during my final year of school that I'd like to be an electrician which I still haven't started and that has me bummed. These are all my mistakes that I have to live with I don't blame anyone other than myself for how it's turned out, I just wish I'd managed my time and money a little better.
As for the moving aspect, it'll be the first time living out of home and I'm pretty much only moving to be with my girlfriend. We're moving 4 hours drive away from where we currently are. Moving has always scared me even when I was a kid, I hated it. I always got anxiety about it, it always made me cry, I always put it to the back of my mind and pretended to forget about it. I do want to start a life but I'm just worried about money, transport and where we'll live. I've never done this stuff before and I'm so worried it won't work out or we won't have money for bills or any of that shit.
Today is Christmas and even for the build up to it I haven't really been looking forward to it. Yeah I was keen to give her the gifts I had gotten but really the spirit wasn't there for me and the afternoon was just shit because of my thoughts. Maybe I'm just missing how it was as a kid. Everyone put in effort and had fun. Now my family didn't do anything, didn't give gifts and told me not to buy them gifts.
Please don't see this as whinging or anything, I'm not like that. In fact I hardly open up to anyone. I would've probably just written this down in my notes and left it but I thought I'd try out posting it so others can read and possibly relate so they feel like they're not alone in this world. Thanks guys.
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self.depression
|
I've lived with this for 10 years now, but I'm not giving up on getting you to smile or laugh. All types of depression fucking suck. Mine feels like a daily battle and a war of attrition. But what I really want in life is to love someone again or to make people laugh. Will you go look in your mirror (or use the camera on your phone) and just make a silly face or a smile, please? For one depressed person to another? (Don't take a picture or anything). Just make a silly face or smile. I understand if you don't want to and no need for an explanation, but you are physically able to do so. Love to you all.
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self.depression
|
I didn't do any of my final exams. Help me. Hi everyone. I'm a senior in college, I'm severely depressed and I have ADHD. I took four classes last semester, and had an exam in one and final essays in three. I didn't do any. I'm terrible and I kind of want to die.
I want to graduate, even though it will take me longer than May. I can't bear to start picking up the pieces. Where do I begin? I haven't checked my email in two months. I can't even imagine doing that or I have a panic attacks.
Should I look into inpatient depression treatment? Should I call the school? I can't check my email. Please help. I think I can write my essays, and I will, even though it might not help.
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self.depression
|
Psychotherapy, a joke. What even is this? A capitalist joke?
How is it supposed to help me, knowing all my wrongs?
I know them already. I dont need someone pointing out how lazy and pathetic I am, I already know it myself.
Like, how the fuck is self-analysis supposed to get me out of depression, when its one of the things that got mr into it?!
Jesus man, Im starting to believe this is like an Anti-gay therapy. Doesnt have any actual uses, but satifsfies the supervisors of the victim. Dreadful.
And its still nearly a month till my first meetup with my psychiatrist, I swear if he doesnt end this with some drugs, Ill end it myself.
Now, time to wait till my mother comes home and shits at me. 2. Options: Ill go to the 2 last lessons of school on 20mg sulfur amphetamine, or ill stay right here, hope that O² (cancerous internet provider) doesnt give up on me, and play some overwatch.
I think itll be the latter.
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self.depression
|
I'm afraid I lose everyone I care and love This year has been full of great people who I am now proud to call my close friends and even my family.
Some of them are relatively new but we are close nonetheless. I also know that my family loves me.
However I have this fear that some of my decisions in my past and some of my decisions I will be making due to my poor past decisions will wrench them all away from me...My friends and family are all that I have going for me in my life, I'm good at being a friend and I have serious problems with letting people down.
The part I worry the most about disappointing them is that I would forever lose their faith and trust in me, something I desperately want from them. Especially the one friend, the one friend that I love so much because of what she means to me. She has lost people in her life, be it by death or them just stepping away and she's the one person I never want to leave no matter what.
What if I ruin everything? :'(
Please help me
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self.offmychest
|
Don't you just love the initial side effects of antidepressants? Posting this while on toilet for the 20th time today.
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self.depression
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New here but serious question. I just want to get away. Am I the only one who feels like this? I love my family and some aspects of my life but I just want to leave I don’t feel like being here anymore. I don’t know maybe I just need to vent or something but it’s stuff I can’t talk about with my fiancé or parents. It’s just a constant battle with my inner self that I feel like I’m never going to win.
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self.depression
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Medication I take Wellbutrin and Prozac. Does anyone else? How does it help/not help?
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self.bipolar
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NyQuil bad trigger during hypomania and depression Anyone ever taken NyQuil for a cold during a depressive or baseline phase and have it cause deeper depression and anxiety the next couple days? I’m trying to figure out why my depression intensified recently. Taking Q96 supplement and Lithium Orotate (10-20 mg/day). Had dry heaves of anxiety this morning. Have experienced nausea and bad morning depression that wears off around noon for about 1 month.
My hypomania was triggered by NyQuil usage to try to sleep. I took 4x dosage, then woke up 2 hrs later and was up all night 4 months ago. My hypomanic metabolism burned right through it.
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self.bipolar
|
keep making driving mistakes This morning, I had pulled into a parking space and may have bumped someone’s car... This was right before school started, which is very traffic-y and crazy. I pulled into the spot, checked behind me, then went to back up in order to get closer to the curb. A woman had pulled up behind me, though way to the left, so I didn’t see her as I was backing up. She honked when she realized I didn’t see her and I stopped, but I definitely bumped her car a tiny bit.
I stopped and opened my door to talk to her, and she was out checking the front of her car. She checked it, then got back into the car, made eye contact with me, then drove away? So I guess there was no damage and she didn’t want to deal with it. Which is okay with me, because there’s no damage to mine.. But I was definitely at fault, so I feel bad about it...
This is the second time I’ve almost backed into someone’s car, I’ve been driving for about 2 months. I just feel so horrible... I know its normal to make a lot of mistakes when you’re first starting out, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling so terrible about it. I should be better.
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self.offmychest
|
is someone out there going through something similar to me? I have been going through anxiety for years now. And a lot of my anxiety now is attributed to my job. I currently have a good job. Good pay, good benefits. But I find myself feeling really depressed and constantly anxious. I take phone calls all day, and I find myself hyperventilating over what my next call is going to be like. Being there is what made me start taking medicine. I find myself to be hard working individual, but for the first time in my life I find myself actually skipping work. I get super bad anxiety about going in, and then bad anxiety about not going... And I have anxiety because I think people just think I'm lazy. But I'm not, because I literally cannot control the way I feel. My mind gets sucked into the fear, and I cannot get out. My medication sort of helps, but its making me gain a lot of weight so I need to get off of it. I've been driving myself crazy thinking I might have to quit my job, my good job with so much opportunity, and go back into part time retail and college. Thing is, I don't know what I even want to go to school for. And who even knows if I could get a job that has as good of pay and benefits as my current one. I just know I want a job that doesn't make me feel like this, and where I don't have to talk to the public. Because talking to everyday people is too much for me anymore. When they get mean to you and when they start raising their voice... I used to be able to handle it, and now I find myself falling apart at the seams every time. I've been to a a few different counselors that I did not like, and the one that I finally do feel more comfortable talking to tells me that medication is what is going to work, and I just dont believe it anymore. I've tried several and they dont work and when they do they are addictive with horrible side effects. I guess this might be a cry for help? Because I just dont know what to do anymore. I have lost interest in everything. My days off are literally spent just wandering around my house until the day is over, and I never find myself wanting to see my friends. The things i used to enjoy doing, are sometimes enjoyable for a few minutes.. but then the interest dies. Horrible awful thoughts run through my mind at practically all times. Sometimes I find comfort knowing there is someone going through what I am because I am not alone. Though I would never wish this on anyone.
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self.Anxiety
|
"why do you talk to strangers online?" Many people have asked me this and my answer to them is somewhat like this "I believe that people are quite judgemental about a persons somatic attributes...here in this place words hold a greater value to people rather than facial feature they try to find a short lived comforting company in others as a friend or a brother because they know that sometimes an unknown gives much more insight in certain matters when no one else does consider it as the peanuts psychiatric advice in a way it all depends whether the person the heeds to your advice or doesnt....that is why a 5 min talk with an unknown person is much more meaningful and it helps me feel that someone atleast likes to talk to me without judging my face for once..... even if the emotion is real or fake"
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self.depression
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Massive failure Cant even do a basic pizza job right... I work at a pizza place and I am probably my bosses worst employee ever. When I take the phone I mess up the order probably 50% of the time. After fucking things up all day my boss tells me to just go home and he will take the wasted food out of my check. I should do him a favor and quit cause its inevitable that ill get fired. Ive been working at this place for a week. I suck ass at this fucking job, the only thing I do right is wash dishes and deliver orders, everything else I always fuck it up somehow. I am calling tomorrow and saying I fuckin quit. FUCK my stupid brain I hope I get creamed by a semi on the way home.
Think of that dumb fuck cashier that always fucks your order up. thats me. I'm a waste of,space and oxygen and all other resources you could think of. I should have been shot dead the day I was born.
FUCK 2017
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self.depression
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I never go outside My life consists of waking up, turning on my tv and watching YouTube all day. I eat if I can manage to get off the couch.
I never really leave the house. I don’t work, have an income or run any errands, my girlfriend does. The rare time I do leave it’s for something essential like food. I’ve gained 50 pounds over the last 6 months from doing nothing.
I jump when my phone (rarely) rings or makes a noise. Everything makes me nervous and gives me anxiety. I try to get out when I can. I get lost in the days as everyday feels the same.
I’ve been stuck in the same rut for over a year now. Doing the same thin everyday just to wake up the next day to repeat the same things, being worthless.
Anyone else stuck in something similar? Feeling completely non self sufficient, worthless and lay in bed or on the couch all day just to do the same thing the next day?
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self.depression
|
Does anyone suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder? [Link to wiki page](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seasonal_affective_disorder).
Idk if this is really a thing, but I can tell I felt weird for 2 winters already.
Some background, I come from sunny Brazil, but live in Germany currently. Winter here is much harsher than I was used to, and it gets too dark too soon now a days.
This year I bought some vitamin D, which I'm still taking, but the other day I was hit with some bad news in my job, and I fell like a house of cards. Already scheduled a doctor's appointment and everything.
Any insight is appreciated, but I was looking more for a place to vent. Thanks.
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self.depression
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[NAW] Lost my online neko friend I had for YEARS [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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My sensitivity to sound is ruining my social life I’ve always been very sensitive to certain sounds, but the list of sounds and the effect of my hearing those sounds has grown exponentially in the past few months.
Someone chewing with their mouth open, chewing with it closed, sneezing, biting their nails, sucking on something, rubbing their hand(s) or another item along cloth, tapping their foot or fingers (for more than a few seconds), rustling a bag, clinking silverware, rubbing a fork against a plate, etc. There are so many noises that upset me, and even just seeing someone perform these actions without hearing it brings about anxiety.
The anxiety it causes feels like anger quickly bubbling over in my chest to the point where I rudely lash out (beyond my control, it feels like) and then results in crying and a full-blown panic attack. (This all can happen within 30 seconds of my exposure to these sounds.) It’s absolutely terrible, to the point where I can’t even be around people. I either avoid/remove myself from social situations to get away from all of these sounds, or I tell the person to stop whatever action is bothering me because it’ll result in a panic attack and said person gets offended and tells me to calm down.
I’m desperate for help but don’t know how to get it. So someone, please just offer me some positivity and hope. Because I don’t know how I can live like this.
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self.Anxiety
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Hi guys, I am having suicidal thoughts :) I have been through a rough year. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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How do people facetime and talk on discord? I get way too much anxiety from it. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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What is it like to be manic? I'm wondering if any of you have experienced psychotic episodes & what you have done about it? Did you get treatment? Have any of you tried treating your bipolar 1 a non traditional way and been successful? (Such as not using meds)
Thanks for your help.
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self.bipolar
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Hard to stay motivated I'm sorry but not sure where to post this, but I too suffer from depression. It's a long story but I'm trying to change, my main issue right now is consistency. I work as an uber driver and I like it and the pay is good. But I find it hard to get my self to do it. Thing is when I am doing it , it's great nothing but good things about it. However it's getting myself to actually do it that's the hard part for me. I know I should be appreciative of my opportunity but idk I just cant help it. What can I do?
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self.depression
|
My brother is promiscuous and I don't like it He's in high school and he's sexually active with multiple girls. I'm not upset that he's had sex. I'm upset that he refuses to get a physical exam and tested. He's just 18 and his health is so important. He refuses to get blood drawn. I think he's afraid they'll find something in his results, but it's better to know now and treat it than later. It's scary. I can't stop him from having sex, but I want him to be safe and think about his wellbeing.
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self.offmychest
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Anyone have work-related anxiety? (specifically people seeing you not doing anything) [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I never want to feel like this again I feel like it's getting worse, before I would only freak out occasionally but it's become more frequent and talking out loud to people is getting harder and harder. I've never felt more lonely in my life, all I want to do is lay in bed and listen to music all day. I don't want to be alone anymore but it's so fucking hard to be around people without feeling out of place. I wish being happy was easy.
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self.offmychest
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I can’t stand my mom anymore Ok, I’m only 17 as I’m writing this. My parents have been split up since I was a year old, and I lived with my dad till the age of 15. It wasn’t much of an issue, as we lived up the road from my mother and grandmother so I got to see them often. My mother was never really a mother to me, but I still loved her and still do, it’s just she’s not the person to be a mom. When I was 13, it became an issue that dad moved with me to a couple hours away and took me with him. After moving in with my mom who promised me that she would step up and be a mother, it’s been two years and she hasn’t. I can’t tell my dad that he was right when he said she wouldn’t step up to the plate and be a parent, but I don’t have the heart to tell my mom how disappointing she is. She owes thousands to different services and companies from our bills, she makes no attempt to pay them and makes no attempt at getting a full time job. Almost all of her money from her paycheck from a part time job goes to her smoking cigarettes or paying her friend she owes money to. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve essentially moved out of her house and into my grandmas to get away from her negativity and our failure of a home because I can’t stand to be there anymore.
This month, the internet was the final service that got shut off, so she can’t use her phone there anymore (it only works with WiFi because she never paid the bill) so she comes down to my grandmothers every day and night and just sits on her phone. We also found out she is pregnant with another child, and has already stopped talking to the dad of the baby.
I’ve recently got accepted into my first college of choice, but I feel like I’m screwing up this final year of high school. Her negativity and depression gets to me so I’ve started to fail some classes at school. No matter where I try to get away to, she follows to hurt me more. She also regularly says how I do nothing to help the family and how she shouldn’t support me for never helping her, but she has never given me any support. She also harassed my grandmother for money and help, which stresses out my grandmother who takes it out on me. So now I can’t even enjoy living here anymore. When I see my mother pulling up at 5 or 6 o’clock I immediately go upstairs and lay in bed for the night to get away from the arguing and bickering. At this point, I’m not really sure what to do anymore. Some days I feel like after I move away, I may not speak to her anymore so I don’t hurt myself, but I still love her as she’s my mom. So I really just need to hear what anyone else thinks. If you made it all the way through, thanks for reading.
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self.offmychest
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My life is great… so why do I feel this way? I’ve been struggling with chronic depression ever since my preteen years, and anytime I’ve thought about suicide I’ve been able to very easily dispel the thought by thinking of my loved ones who would miss me. Also, I don’t ever want anyone to have to find my body, a scenario that horrifies me. My thoughts of suicide also used to be very infrequent and incredibly rare. But now… but now suicide is constantly on my mind. The concept of what lies beyond death absolutely horrifies me and keeps me from thinking about it. However, today, I reached the threshold of not being afraid anymore. I actually closed my eyes and thought how I wouldn’t even be able to tell I was dead. It’d be like going to sleep and, in a blink, there'd be nothing and I wouldn’t notice. I thought about running a nice bath with candles and then... well... you know. But instead of being disgusted with myself I was actually calmed by the idea. I was thinking about what to leave in my note, what final goodbye I’d have. I’d probably put up a status on Facebook too: “I’m sorry. Be good, okay? I love you.”
Why do I feel like this? My life is perfectly fine. I’m finishing college soon, my s/o is the kindest and most patient person in existence, I’ve got sweet pets, my family is awesome and supportive, and I’m financially well-off. I feel so guilty feeling like this all the time, and when I see the awful things other people go though I almost feel sick with self-loathing. I spend so much of my time crying over nothing, and my motivation is absolutely nonexistent. My plants die, I want to die. My pets get sick, I want to die. I can’t bring myself do homework because I’m depressed, I want to die. Not learning a new skill fast enough, I want to die. Everything I see in the news, even though I try to stay away from it, makes me want to die. I feel sluggish and broken, and I know killing myself only passes along the hurt to others… but I’ve just stopped caring. I’ve hit this awful equilibrium of selfish and angry and so depressed that I just constantly want to die. Yet I’m also trapped in a paradoxical state since I’m not willing enough to do it--I can’t bring myself to.
I’ve had a couple sort-of near-death experiences (one being a suicide attempt via pills) that made me change my will to live for the better, but I noticed I’ve begun to disregard these as of late. I also used to see a therapist but she moved. I plan on finding a new therapist soon, because I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’m terrified anyone will find out how I feel. Supportive as she is, my mom thinks depression is a chosen state-of-mind that can be fixed with a sunny walk. My s/o has struggled with depression so he knows how I feel, but I don’t want to worry him and I don’t want him to see me differently. I also have this irrational fear that he or anyone else might take my depression personally, which is unlikely and ridiculous of me to think…
TL,DR: I’m constantly suicidal, and I don’t know what to do with myself. Why am I like this? I feel like I’m in Edwin Robinson’s “Richard Cory” poem right now.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Welcoming Newcomers & Free Talk Thread - October 30, 2017 Greetings & Salutations!
Use this post to introduce yourself if you're new. Or maybe you're not so new, but haven't gotten around to introducing yourself yet in one of these posts. That's ok too! Either way, we'd love to offer you a warm welcome to our community. In fact, if you've introduced yourself before, why not take some time to say hi to the new people commenting here? What do you have going on this week that's giving you anxiety? Talk to us, we can do this together - **you're not alone in this**.
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###Question of the week:
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**Who is your hero and why?**
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**Come chat with us!**
That's right we have an /r/Anxiety irc channel were we hang out and talk about random things, or help those who are having a hard time. Tons of great people so feel free to stop on in and say hello! [Chatroom Weblink](https://kiwiirc.com/nextclient/#irc://irc.snoonet.org:+6697/anxiety) : [More Information](http://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/irc) We also have a Discord server! To join, click [here](https://discord.gg/qPjH9Xu).
*********
[Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/index) | [FAQ](http://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/faq) | [Types of Anxiety](https://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/anxiety_subtypes) | [Online Resources & Downloads](http://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/wiki/onlineresources) | [Anxiety Chatroom](https://app.orangechat.io/r/anxiety) | [Anxiety Sub Community Map](https://redd.it/5ff4bn)
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self.Anxiety
|
I think I was hoarding I had 7 boxes of things that were sitting in the middle of my apartment. The last time my landlord was over he made comments about it a) smelling like smoke (yes, I was smoking in the apartment, in the bathroom and figured the fan would fix it), and b) trying to keep it neater.
My lease is up in January and I don't want to move. The thought of packing makes me want to curl up and die. I love my apartment, I love living here, and I don't want to leave it. I'm also unemployed and my parents are paying my rent.
I just tossed 7 boxes of stuff. I still have a box of dvds that my parents wouldn't "let" me toss when I mentioned it. I have books I want to get rid of. I just want it all gone. Someone once mentioned that the boxes could/should go because "clearly you don't need the things in them."
I'm feeling terrible about the things I tossed. A VHS player. A receiver that was at least 25 years old and only had RCA plugins. Maybe some Play Station 2 games that I bought a PS2 to play. That I will never, ever play. I suck at those games to be honest.
I just feel terrible about tossing all of the things, but relieved in a way, you know? I mean, what is it that I threw away? Things that had been sitting in boxes for nearly 2 years and weren't in any way necessary to my life. And I might be able to stay in my apartment now.
I just need some comfort, guys. Is hoarding any symptom of bipolar? Was I hoarding? I think I was.
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self.bipolar
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The constant reminders of me being forever alone I'm a 20 year old college female. And I've never been in a relationship. Ever. Sometimes I feel like a failure because it seems like everyone around me is happily in love with someone, and I'm just here by myself. I desperately want to know what it's like to be in love, but I feel like I'll forever be alone.
I try to tell myself that I don't need a boyfriend to be happy, and that if I don't know how to be happy by myself then no relationship is gonna do that either. I've tried Tinder, but I just feel like the people on that app are looking for hookups, not relationships. The people at my school are not into girls like me. I've come to terms with the fact that I probably won't meet someone until after I graduate college, if I ever meet someone at all. But it still feels sucky.
It doesn't help that for as long as I can remember, people always comment on me being single. In high school, my friends would constantly ask if I liked anyone, why I wasn't dating anyone, etc. And it still happens. The other week I went to a bar with some family members, and one of my cousins started telling the bartender that I'd never had boyfriend, that I was still a virgin and that I still haven't had my first kiss (the latter two are untrue, but they don't know that). My other family members were just laughing along. It was extremely embarrassing, and it also made me feel a little sad because it feels like they think i'm a complete failure or something just because they're in successful long term relationships and I'm not. Every time they see me, they ask if I have a boyfriend, if i'm lying about not having a boyfriend, why I'm not in a relationship, etc. I just feel awkward and weird whenever they bring it up, because I desperately do want a relationship, but it just doesn't seem like it's in the cards for me.
I don't want to depend on a guy to make me happy, but on nights like this it'd be nice to have someone special that I could just vent to.
Thanks for listening.
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self.offmychest
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I'm a virgin and yet I really want to get laid. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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accused of being a snob in childhood, went overboard to correct it Somewhere in my childhood, probably about 5th grade, I was accused of being a giant snob and spoiled only child. I think I was accused by a group of girls who had a lot of self-discipline problems and behaved nasty most of the time. From that point, I basically made it my life's mission to act friendly and giving to anyone who crossed my path (also to sacrifice myself in really sad ((and pathetic)) ways in order to avoid being labeled). In that mission, I basically destroyed the common sense that I had as a child to keep my behaviors true to my core beliefs. This caused me a lot of trouble in my 20's. I was OK with way too much wrong stuff, and refused to voice my opinion because I was scared of being labeled again. It floors me how a tiny reaction to one instance of name calling helped set me on a path to be a weaker kind of person that I am now completely not-okay with.
In truth, I was never a snob in 5th grade, I was just a smart and strong child with boundaries and standards for herself and others.
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self.offmychest
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You all want to know the truth? The absolute truth? I'm a shit person. I'm the lowest of the low. My parents knew this and this is why they abandoned me. I was getting in the way of my mother's partying so I had to go. My father had a new family and didn't want to be reminded of his old family. So I ended up with my aunt who make sure she reminded me everyday of how worthless and unwanted I was. They all knew, that's why nearly everyday I had to be subjected to physical abuse, why I had to be told that no one loved me. My cousins joined in and tortured me also.
No woman has ever wanted a worthless man like that. I've tried to meet women but they all cringe, look away, they know how disgusting I am. If my own family never wanted me what makes me think a stranger would ever want me.
But..... but then I met her. She was beautiful, strong and caring. She accepted me without judgement and of course I fell in love with her. I told her everything, the sexual abuse, the physical abuse, the feelings of worthlessness.
The problem was, she never loved me like that. Instead she lead me on. She would cuddle with me, tell me things, and eventually we had sex. I should have known when she refused to ever kiss me that I wasn't good enough. I was just another guy she slept with, nothing special. Just some loser that she used to fill her loneliness.
Now I have nothing. No friends, alone, and broken. I'm so worthless, everyone knows it. They can see it in my eyes, or more so the way I look away. I just wanted to love someone and be loved. I just wanted one person to accept me for who I was, imperfect but still a person.
We all know that will never happen.
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self.offmychest
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How have things become so bad so fast I think back to just three months ago, and I felt like I was on top of the world. I had everything a guy could ask for - I had a close group of friends, was at peace with myself, happily single, was headed off to a highly ranked college with nearly a full ride - but then recently it's all come crashing down. I've been scraping by but this past week has been rough. I don't feel confident in anything I do or say anymore, I can't barely get myself to talk with other people anymore. I'm feeling the crushing weight of loneliness and unrequited love, and I don't think I can deal with this anymore. I don't even want to reach out to anyone because I'd feel like a burden, and I'm not even sure if I'm actually depressed. I just feel like an impostor and fake and a fuck-up with everything. I don't even know what I expect out of this; it's a shot in the dark and I'm debating if I should even do it, but here it goes.
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self.depression
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My sister's Christmas gift to me was showing her true colors. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Exhausted. In bed still My anxiety and depression like to take turns torturing me. Now my depression is currently in play. I’ve slept all morning and still exhausted. I’ll probably end up sleeping all day.
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self.depression
|
i literally just tried to kill myself but i given up last second and came talk to friends
they're helping but it's every day on the edge of trying again
the tools that i was going to use are still there set up it's just a few seconds and i can die for real
i'm trying to see reasons to not do it again but i can't see any
i don't know what to do. i could wake up my parents but i have done this soooo many times and the next day i feel like i should have just done it already
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self.SuicideWatch
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Found out my gf of 3 years cheated on me before we broke up She lied about the reasons we broke up, lied earlier about saying to trust her, lied about to me about not talking to that guy seriously, lied about saying she wanted to still be with me, so many lies and so much heartbreak because she couldnt just own up months ago when it happened, so much pain and suffering that couldve been avoided
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self.depression
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My life means nothing , why should I continue ?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Merry Christmas everyone! I just wanna say that its okay if you get a little anxious or irritated. If there's too many people, try to find your happy place. Excuse yourself if you need to for few minutes. Give yourself a moment before you go back to the crowd. Try to focus on fun and not of what could go wrong. I'm a little anxious about Christmas but I'm sure we can pull through it. I hope some of these tips helped. Have a Merry Christmas and be safe!
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self.Anxiety
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One of my only two friends left from college has ghosted me [deleted]
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self.depression
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I feel that nobody really cares. I feel empty. I don't know why I feel like this. I thought things we're getting better. I was gaining confidence, i was working hard and trying my best to achieve. It all came crashing down. I just don't see a reason to keep trying. I've never liked who I am, all I've ever wanted was for people to like me and care about me and show me that they care. I feel I'm just an awkward burden on everyone. I've tried to be positive and look at the bright side but no matter what happens everything I touch turns to shit. Everyone tells me to just keep trying and just keep moving forward, they say it'll get better and easier but it never does. I just want to be normal. What's wrong with me?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Depression & feeling lost Do you ever find it hard to know if you are doing anything right in life because you feel regret or nothing over every decision you make? Personally I moved away from my family and friends to be with my gf I have a better job here than I have ever had. Thr problem is i hate my job and i hate my life I feel so sad and empty I find it hard to enjoy the things I know I like. I cant tell if I love my gf or if I want to be here or if i want to keep going because nothing feels good. Im terrified of death and would never kill myself but no matter what I do I can’t enjoy it
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self.depression
|
I feel like his friend rather than his girlfriend I love him. But I feel like I'm in such a mentally and emotionally starved relationship. We've been through a lot together. He was my bestfriend for so long but it's always come down to it: We are very different people. He is more into technology and video games. He talks about it 24/7 and I sit there and nod while I paint or listen to music. He doesn't like music and doesn't listen to any. He doesn't know and doesn't seek it out. He doesnt like hearing about ghosts and aliens and "What if..?" questions. He doesnt like hearing about anything i have to say. I like to talk about random things. I like to question it all in weird conversations and he doesn't. I understand that and i dont want to change who he is. It feels wrong. He'll listen But he doesn't have anything to add. I can tell he doesn't really care. I don't want to make him do anything. He listens but he won't contribute to it. I like to talk about anything under the sun. But what I don't need is a brick wall.
But it's not only this, he doesn't initiate anything. He doesn't hug me out of the blue, he doesn't kiss me, he won't cuddle unless I start it or ask. And he won't even call me beautiful. I've brought it up before and he's tried. But I can't help but feel like it's fake and feel annoyed that he bothers if he doesn't really care. Our conversations for example are usually him talking about the same thing everyday and that's computers and YouTube. I'll listen to it while listening to music in the background nodding blankly. And it's always this way. Conversation is 80/20 all the time. He'll even interrupt me to talk about what he wants to. Like "We're getting back on subject".
I said "remember when you had a crush on me in high school and all you could think about was hugging me?" I went on about how he seems to forget I am his girlfriend and that I have feelings. And that I wish he wanted me like he did back then. And he said "you're the reason that me has died." I was so hurt I walked away "i get it. You don't want me anymore..." Often times after he goes to bed and I'm staying up, I do my usual thing. I feel alone. He doesn't want me anymore...
There's no point to this post, there's no question here and I don't know why I'm even writing this but as I am, he's on his pc and I'm upset at what he just said to me in the other room. I don't have anyone else and I feel very hurt and not cared about. I don't expect anything. But I do question why I'm in this relationship.
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self.offmychest
|
klonopin Withdrawls? Due to an extreme panic/anxiety episode I am currently in, my doctor has prescribed me to take 1mg of klonopin in the morning and 1mg at night. He told me to do this for 1-2 weeks until this extreme anxiety episode ends (Im talking about eating next to nothing a day, crying spells, constant panic, staying in my room all day) and then come back for a follow up appointment where he will evaluate how I am doing and do a "quick taper" . He says I shouldn't have any problem coming off them if its only a week or two but I am so scared that I will have severe withdrawals and possibly get addicted. Can anyone guide me or let me know from experience what I should feel. I am also scared that after I stop taking them I will have an even worse anxiety episode. Don't know what to do. Also currently weaning off of 30mg mirtazapine as that was not working out for me and am at 22.5mg rn for a few more days before getting down to 15mg and then wean off even further and switch into a better antidepressant for myself.
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self.Anxiety
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Nothing is gratifying enough when I try to selfharm Honestly no selfharm is even remotely enough, it satisfies my urges for 5 maybe 10 minutes but honestly I feel so fucking suicidal I feel afraid that fucking breaking my arm or something is the only thing that would really feel satisfying. As of right now my arm is covered in cuts and bitemarks and bruises and it just ain't enough, nothing is enough. I don't even know why I'm feeling like this I've been better off than in years but I just wanna fucking die again like I almost did earlier this year, or at least hurt myself.
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self.offmychest
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Need reason Potential greatness may thrive on mere execution, but waiting for the law of decay to kill me. Patience is key people say, and as my patience fill the day it will be the key element to my death.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Does anybody Else Get Panic Attacks from Positive Interactions? I work at a hotel, so conversing with strangers is a necessary and frequent part of my day. Because of my social anxiety, I often have some pretty...rough conversations. Not the smoothest. I'll walk away from these disastrous interactions shaking, clenching, breathing heavy, feeling a sense of dread and panic.
But lately I've been noticing that I have the same reaction when walking away from a *good* interaction. Even if the customer and I get along, and I don't stumble or stutter, and we have each other laughing/interested, I'll walk away panicking.
I talked to my therapist, and he believes I could be having strong outbursts of excitement and not anxiety. What do you all think?
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self.Anxiety
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Afraid I might not be able to spend Thanksgiving with my family because I'm too afraid to ask for time off from work My part-time job requires us to ask for time off at least two weeks in advance. I meant to put in my request this past Thursday for Thanksgiving, but it just slipped my mind. I feel deeply uncomfortable having to ask for an exception to be made for me because of my absentmindedness, and I'm worried that I'll get yelled at or scolded for asking. I know that I need to just suck it up and take care of this, but I feel too paralyzed to pick up the phone and talk to my manager about it.
I'm in my mid-twenties, damn it. I shouldn't be so childishly afraid at this point to do these kinds of things. I'm trying to get over all of my various anxieties, but often it just feels like a losing battle. And in this instance I might have to miss spending the holiday with my family because of my cowardice. I wish I could fix myself and not be such a dysfunctional human being.
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self.offmychest
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Obsessing over a new diagnosis Hi guys. I got diagnosed little over a couple of months ago. My behaviours have been tell tale since my mid to late teens, and have been severe since I’ve been in my early 20’s. When I look back it all makes sense. Plus I always knew something was up and I intended to get help when I had some time.
In summary: I’ve spent like no ones business, been aggressive, made decisions that could be harmful to me or others, believed I was the shit, held beliefs that I later denied were my own, been catatonic (bright lights and shrieking, piercing sounds) trying to get out of bed. Sleepless for days at a time for weeks. Typical bipolar behaviour.
I am however obsessing over my symptoms a little. I’m going to DBT for some time now and I’m trying to manage using those skills. I’m definitely on an upswing at the moment. I’m telling literally anyone who will listen all about my personal life and my illness because... well I have no idea what I’m expecting to hear from them. Maybe validation? Which they can not provide because they obviously can not relate to my problems. Instead they say hurtful things at times even.
When I go to the doc he obviously listens to what I have to say and acts on my history. But that scares me more. There isn’t enough of a challenge to my thoughts to convince me he’s making the right choices considering I could just be making it all up and he’d medicate and diagnose me anyways. I’m unconvinced I’m ill and I’m unconvinced if I want to not be ill at the same time.
Is this a thing others have struggled with?
Looking for answers almost obsessively?
Did you not know where you ended and where disease started?
Did you find comfort eventually find comfort?
How?
Where is the assurance other than a doctor who believes everything I say, or a website I can’t question?
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self.bipolar
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My brother said when I text him he just deletes them because I’m annoying. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Why am i incapable of having normal relationships with people? why am i the way i am Ever since i remembered i'm constantly insecure about all my friendships, i always think all my friends hate me, even the ones i had for may years, it prevents me from contacting them, and i'm growing apart from all of them, but i'm to scared that they will think i'm annoying if i ask to hang out. They rarely ask me to hang out as well. All my friends have someone they are closer with than me, someone they like better. How do they that? Be close to someone? I'm never able to do that, have a close friend. What is it i do that prevents people from wanting to become close to me, they act like they like me when i see them in person but why won't they contact me more then? I have one friend that i'm not so insecure about, i feel like he actually likes to be around me, but he has recently got a new girlfriend and already has less time for me, i don't care that he doesnt always time but its like,"ow, another person who has someone they care about and love more than me", now he's gonna leave me, I just want to be someone's number one. I dont want to date someone, iand i feel like its impossible to get as close to someone as i want without dating. I couldn't even date if i wanted to, there is nobody i like in that way, there never is, even if i try to like people in that way. Its not like people would like me in that way either, only guys who want to sleep with me who have low standarts, but they won't really like me, just like everybody else. In middle school, in high school, everybody is datig and having deep friendships, why am i never able to do that, people act like they like me, but i never end up in those situations, am i too weird? What is wrong with me. I'm so lonely, i feel like an alien, i dont seem to act like everybody else, and they don't treat me like they treat everybody else, i feel like an outcast no matter where i go. I feel so hated, i feel like im gonna be lonely for ever, i feel like nobody will ever like me a lot, i feel like i'm never gonna be able to be someones number 1. I want to be like everybody else. I hate the way i am so much, i feel so hated, i'm losing everybody in my life im so terrible, im so angry at myself, why was i born, i didnt chose it, still i need to live this life because im too scared to die
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self.offmychest
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I feel Paralyzed So I'm a new stay at home mom. I have anxiety. I find it very difficult to juggle a 3 year old, a newborn, and keeping up the house. Weekends seem to be spent outside of the house. I hate starting my week with no clean laundry or dishes. I'm thinking about just staying up every Sunday night and cleaning the house. I foresee this being an all nighter. Anyone ever tried this? Any other ideas on how to deal with having anxiety and juggling responsibilities?
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self.Anxiety
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Struggling I’m really struggling here. I don’t know what to do.
I’ve been seeing this girl for awhile now, and before we started dating, we were friends. I knew that she had liked me for awhile, but for whatever reason, I resisted. I wasn’t sure if I really was into her or not, but after awhile, it became clear that I really did love her. However, there have been some precarious timing issues that have followed us from start.
We work together, and we were coworkers at the same level when we started being friends. Fast forward 6 months and I get a promotion. With this promotion came a different schedule and a different “team” so in my head I knew I wasn’t going to be seeing much of her anymore, and it came time to face the facts. I called her up and she invited me over. We had an amazing night together. It was special.
As special as it was, it was really dumb. As previously stated, the timing was really bad. I was now working on a different team with a completely different schedule. Her days off were my work days, and visa versa. I told her we couldn’t get serious right away, and she didn’t take it very well. We didn’t speak for almost two months.
Then something out of our control happened. Our building did a complete reshuffle of teams and schedules. She was gonna be on my team and on my schedule, working under me. I was her boss now. I called her up and said we needed to talk before she reshuffle actually took effect.
We talked it out, made up, and resumed our friendship. We started hanging out again and I was reminded of how truly awesome she was. I decided to invite her and our mutual friend camping, and what transpired over that weekend was something I can’t explain. She became the most beautiful girl in the world to me. I truly fell for her harder that weekend then I ever thought possible. It was clear that she was the one, and when we were sitting alone by the fire, I told her my feelings. It was an amazing night and we talked for hours. One of the best nights of my life. However, one major complication loomed over our heads; I was her boss.
We had ultimately decided to date in secret, for fear of me losing my job. It sounds rather selfish, but we both understood what a management job in our industry means and how prestigious it is. My professional reputation was at stake, and in a way, so was hers. We could absolutely not get caught. My biggest mistake was making this the priority, not her.
I was so busy worrying about not getting caught and not being obvious that it was destroying her. I knew she was unhappy about the situation as a whole, but I didn’t know the damage it was doing. She thought I didn’t love her back, she though I wasn’t in it with her. But instead of saying something, she did the unthinkable; she cheated on me with another coworker.
She didn’t have sex with him, but they had an intimate night of hugging and kissing and cuddling and, in my head, that’s almost worse. And now, she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. She won’t admit that she’s dumping me for him, but nonetheless, I am completely devastated. And worse yet, there’s nothing I can do.
I still have to work with her, and I still have to see him at work too. And given the nature of the situation, I can’t talk to anyone at work because nobody knows anything and it will put our careers in jeopardy. I’m literally facing this all by myself and I don’t know if I can. It’s truly crushing and I can’t even think about work. All I think about is her.
Sure I made some mistakes, and timing has been shitty throughout, but I can’t reconcile with the fact that she didn’t talk to me and let me know it was that difficult on her. I would have tried harder, I would have done anything she asked. Fuck, at this point, I would have taken the career hit if I knew I was going to lose her. I don’t know what to do, and I have nowhere to turn.
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self.offmychest
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Great opportunity and don't want to ruin it. I am traveling this Sunday out of state for a brand new job. I have to train for 2 weeks away from home at a completely new position and employer. I am terrified that this will throw me into a depressed state because of the stress. I hate being away from my husband and dog and my home, which is my safe space. I have to push through this though.
This will be my first salary job and I am making double what I did at my last job so the opportunity is incredible and I feel lucky just to have the chance.
What are some good coping skills I can implement while I'm gone to help me get through. I was thinking exercising every night and having a goal to read 6 books before I come home. Thoughts?
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self.bipolar
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Intrusive thoughts. I was put on Lamictal, probably three weeks ago. But the dosage has been changing until this week. They slant it up, and I didn't like how 100mg felt so I went down to 75mg, and took that consistently for a week until today. And for two days now I've been freaking out because of some intrusive thoughts I've had. I have a girlfriend I love and I imagined myself hitting her, which is my nightmare, if I ever hurt a loved one I would die. But since then I can't stop thinking about it and I've had more come up since then, with my cat and my mom, and I never hurt anyone or any animal besides myself and doing so is my worst nightmare and I'm scared and I just want them to fucking stop, I'm terrified and I don't know what to do. But the medicine has been helping and I have been able to leave my house and even get a job when I couldn't drive a couple weeks ago. idk what im asking for im jsut tired im sorry
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self.bipolar
|
My first day in COCC At first it seemed to go well. Me and 3 other guys were going through the commands and the COs are fixing our forms. It was all going well...
But then everything changed when they taught us about the punishments...
And it went relatively well...
Until the squats came in.
All I know is that it was that my thighs burned, and my leg shook uncontrollably. I was stopping to break away, stretch for one second and go back down.
After that was how to salute and it was over.
One of the aspirants (one of my classmates) decided to quit immediately, which is understandable because he is also a dragon/lion dancer. But all I know is that I do not want to leave. I refuse to give up just yet. I cannot leave until I prove to myself that I can handle this sort of thing. And I want the world to know that I have done the impossible (to them at least). I've spent weeks on end preparing myself for this day, adjusting push ups, boxing, several other exercises. I know that I cannot leave now.
Thanks for just reading this and having to listen to me rant about today. I certainly won't update regularly about what happens unless it feels important.
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self.offmychest
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Do you think you can do anything through willpower? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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told a family member i was suicidal a few weeks ago [deleted]
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self.depression
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DAE’s anxiety always get worse around this time of year? I started dealing with anxiety around this time 2 years ago. Just when I thought I had learned to cope with it, it came right back at this time last year, and it’s starting to get worse again right now. I’ve been to the ER on April 19th the past 2 years from health scares because of my anxiety (one time for a heart attack and another for appendicitis, both I did not have). Anyone else experience boosts in their anxiety around spring time/April?
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self.Anxiety
|
grades Just found out I failed chem and have to retake it. Pretty much one of the easiest classes and I just fucked it up. Costs several hundred a credit hour so this is basically at least a $1000 fuck up. Where does this end. Next I lose my scholarship which is basically guaranteed and im about to fuck up my calc final since i've learned exactly squat in that class so far.
I've got some nice rope or last resort a bunch of caffine pills which would be easy to od on.
i'm not cut out for this life. everyone else has their shit together and knows where they're going.
I come into college assuming i'm going to be able to finally experience life and start living and instead enter a living hell. I can't take this shit anymore.
I dont even know what the fuck has happened to me in the past 4 months. hell I started fucking around with my knife but it's too dull for now until I get a stone to sharpen it. I thought that shit was reserved for edgy pre-teens.
Doesn't help that i've come to realize there's no point to life. Why do I keep going. What is the point. I spend decades getting an education. work for years with a few good moments in between then linger for a bit and die. I don't see why we even bother.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My girlfriend wrote a document containing 100 reasons why she adores me, and then she sent it to me. I couldn't ask for a better life partner. There isn't an occasion for her writing this document. It isn't my birthday. It isn't any significant milestone in our relationship. It isn't for Christmas. It was just a seemingly random day, and she spontaneously dot points 100 reasons why she adores me.
I don't think I can describe how it makes me feel. No one has ever done anything so sweet and so heartfelt before. I didn't even know I had done that much or had that many redeeming qualities that would add to 100.
Reading this has settled in my mind that she really does love me as much as I love her. It makes me realise that we have a long, strong future ahead of us and I'm excited to be taking those steps through life with her. It leaves me happy, comforted and wondering where we'll go next.
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self.offmychest
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Having people who ridicule you for being depressed instead of being supportive. It’s at the point where I’m expected to just be happy or I’m a burden. They expect me to just be happy and ridicule me. I don’t have a support system, so yeah it’s pretty hard to fake being happy anymore. I need a ‘harder shell’ apparently I used to hold it in sorry that I’m at the point where I don’t fake happiness. They say time makes it better but it feels like as time gets by its harder to deal with as people don’t care and think it’s something that has a time period on. Oh you been depressed a few months time to be happy. But that’s just not how it works. I’m at the point where it’s a pain to exist. I don’t care for anything. No point in this post and yeah it’s whiny but like I said I have no support system so I don’t know what to do.
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self.depression
|
Panicking when I go 15 minutes or more from home... feeling broken. Hi everyone. Recently I had a panic attack outside of a job I was working and quit during that episode. The other day I was driving somewhere an hour away and I had to turn around. Today I was going 40 minutes away and I had an awful panic attack, to the point I couldn't even get myself to pull over. I just wanted to race home. I took 1 mg of ativan (took .5 first then another .5 when I didn't feel it working.) I'm scared. For my future and for my sanity. I'm also freaked out the .5 didn't help me like it usually does and that the 1 mg isn't even killing the anxiety like it usually does. I've been looking for full time jobs since graduating and I'm starting to think I'll never be able to get one, especially with how limited I can be with travel sometimes. I don't know what I'm looking for in this post, I think just to vent. I love you all and pray we all obtain peace one way or the other.
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self.Anxiety
|
Im retarted I think im retarted. Or atleast i am too stupid to get a good education. That means i will always be poor. What do you think. Is this a good reason to kill myself? Because i have no perspectives. I will be poor or worse homeless.
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self.depression
|
I fantasize about attempting suicide but surviving Throwaway account for obvious reasons.
I've narrowly escaped hospitalisation a number of times because the idea terrifies me. But also, there's a part of me that really wants it. I want someone to validate my pain, to have sympathy and care for me, and to look after me. I guess it's what you'd call a cry for help.
I'm already in a low-level psychiatric institution, but part of me wants to do something so that they have to send me to the ER. this part of me doesn't make up all of the reasoning behind why I self-harm or do things like getting very drunk or taking a lot of diazapam, but I know its part. And I am disgusted by that part of me.
What can I possibly do? Am I a freak? Am I stuck this way forever? Is there anyone else out there who knows the way I'm feeling?
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self.depression
|
Every night, as I lie awake in my bed unable to sleep... I plan my suicide for tomorrow. But I never follow through even though I KNOW there is no hope of a positive future for my life. I have one person who would be saddened by my loss, my mother. Other than that, I think it'd largely go unnoticed.
... I'm taking medications for depression, but am an unemployed loser at 30y/o who was making nearly 6 figures just 3 years ago. How can I make it stop at night. I try to stay awake as long as i can until I'm so tired I know I'll fall asleep right away so I don't go through the ideation and the steps it'd take (it'd be really simple in my case). What is this?! Is it normal for people with suicidal ideation to have such a problem of only when going to sleep. I have to take one of my prescribed 10mg diazepam and hold my dog tight, petting her, feeling the anxiety of wanting to kill myself the next day until I fall asleep.
Then I wake up, take my medications for ADHD and Major Depressive Disorder, and I"m okay and functioning until once again it's evening and I'm tired.
I'm living such a pathetic life it's getting harder and harder to not just "make it happen" the next day. Does anyone get it?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Explosive Crying Panic Attacks | Crying and Screaming and Shaking Intensely and Hyperventilating for Hours | Aftercare | Help I can't feel my face. And not in a good way. In a scary way.
It's hard for me to even find the energy to write this, but I think it will help some people...
I just came out of an intense psychosis or something like that. I have these sometimes, but this one was really bad.
My head is pounding because I've been in bed the majority of days for most of this past month, and I just came out of intense crying episodes relentlessly all day today. These were so extreme, I almost reverted back to a childlike state. I think it's because when I was little I was constantly subjected to different forms of prolonged abuse, and also I was never allowed to cry, and I was berated or punished for even crying the slightest and most harmless amount, so now, it all comes out x1000. This one was really gnarly. My body went hot with rage. Literally my temperature. It was strange. My wailing and whimpering came in waves, and took on different sounds. But it was another horrible episode, and now I am a mess and I feel completely gutted/drained.
Does anyone know what to do immediately after your body goes through something so intense and traumatic like this, to speed up the recovery time a little?
I can't remember the last time I had water and sometimes I only get out of bed to pee.
So, on top of that, I'm dehydrated.
The only thing that made it a little less agonizing was to get into the fetal position, because for many hours before that, I was just numb and my aching body was lying there in a very unnatural position and I was really tense and felt paralyzed.
These don't solve the actual suicidal, hopeless, life is meaningless feelings of pain and extreme depression that I have. But here are my immediate go-to's after I go off the deep end badly like this:
How do you pick yourself up after something so emotionally and mentally disturbing and awful, and try to restore some normalcy?
I am trying to stay safe tonight. I am trying to take it one breath at a time:
• deep breaths
• hot tea, or water, if you can try to get something down
• maybe a hot shower, if you have access to one
• try to reduce your triggers, if at all possible
• In my case, I may need an ice pack or cold compress to the head because if anybody knows what it's like to be an intense crier (especially during an acute panic attack), you have a throbbing headache and possibly blurred vision that may not go away for a few hours. I might just try to tough it out naturally, but a pain reducing med might be essential in moments like these
• Try not to beat yourself up or feel ashamed for your depression. You will have to pick yourself up and try to tackle everything, but not all at once. Maybe just starting with something to soothe or comfort yourself.
• maybe you can talk to someone close (unless that triggers you, in which case I would advise you to just be by yourself)
Really, just taking care of yourself and trying to keep yourself safe
I'm a hypocrite in some ways. I can't follow my own advice. I live in a tiny space with my father, and he is here right now, so I am afraid to even get up to get water. So I go thirsty. And it's painful, but I will wait for 24 hours and maybe he'll leave and then I can get up. It's like sending a kitten into a cage with a grizzly bear. I just can't do it.
My anxiety is so bad, some days I cannot bring myself to take out the trash. That's not a joke. People with severe anxiety issues will understand what I mean. So then it piles up... which fucks with my O.C.D., and then it's a million times worse.
This is how I know I'm not in a healthy place. My mindset is really fucked up. I'm harming myself. So please, don't be stupid like me. Hydrate yourself.
And ideally, you should try not to let these feelings build for so long, that it escalates into this. It was a miserable, awful, horrible, *physically painful* experience, and I don't want anyone to go through what I just went trough. This wasn't my first time and it won't be my last. But I'm going to try to feel better, now. Even though it feels impossible. I could feel myself slipping into that dark, scary place for a few weeks now, with a few mellow days here and there, but mostly just a painful minimal existence... It's important to try to change the direction of things *before* you start heading into crisis-mode. (Gee, now if only I could take my own advice).
When I eventually get around to cleaning myself up and feeling stable, I might go see about getting a prescription for my anxiety, because I've taken them in the past a few times and I do believe they can work. Sometimes, on my own is not enough. Sometimes I can't fight these evil thoughts feelings, they literally take control. And then they take full control of my life. And I don't want that. *I* want to be the one behind the wheel in my life.
If you have anything to add that you think is useful, or if you have any similar experience with this, tips, maybe a relapse story...anything relevant...let us know. Let's help each other out here. I don't want anyone to go through this, it made me feel like I was metaphorically being buried alive. So, please. Let's break the cycle, starting ***now***...
I hope no one is in as dark of a place as me right now. Please don't sabotage your success like I do. The results are devastating.
We can't help that we were born, and even though we may hate this fact, let's try to feel okay right now and start to make a tiny, positive change...
(22-year old U.S. female for reference)
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self.SuicideWatch
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My boyfriend is trying to help me and knowing that I'm giving him this stress makes me feel worse. I need a job. I just found out I meet the criteria for ADHD which might explain why I can never get anything done. But it's so much effort for me and it's incredibly frustrating.
I had a breakdown a few days ago thar he helped me through. I said I wouldn't let it happen again but here I am. I feel like such a waste and that I'm hurting the people I care about. I wish I could be like everyone else a just get yhings done, but I have to be a baby who gets so upset because I have to spend time being productive. How fucking sad is that? I'm suck a weak piece of shit.
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self.depression
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Because he died I will not I didn’t know him much. His name was P-E . When we were 14 he was 13 and he decided to jump off the 7th floor. It hit us hard at the time. Growing up I often think about him. At 13 I was dumb and also quite sad but since then so many things have happened, even the worse days were replaced by better days. If only he would have known.
No one of my friends or family knows but since then, on the darkest days I think of P-E and how things could have been. Life goes on and it really does get better. Even the worse things pass and his death thought me an invaluable lesson.
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self.offmychest
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I have issues with emotional lability. I am either extremely happy and energetic or extremely depressed and tired. I am considering taking lamictal to stabilize my moods and improve my life. What have yalls experiences been with this medication? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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When I was a teenager, I groped one of my best friends when we were drunk laying in a bed next to each other and I wish I could apologize to her for it. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Because of social anxiety I have few friends and accordingly, few social media followers. Felt embarrassed about my little followers and left IG. I want to get back on IG now but I'm still nervous. What do I do? Here's my dilemma.
I've just graduated secondary school and will be going on to tertiary education soon. So, rejoining Instagram will mean keeping in touch with old classmates and schoolmates and also as a platform to make more connections in my new school. I'm constantly thinking about this and just need to make a decision.
What would you do?
EDIT: thanks for the advice, it was very reassuring. I think I'm probably going to dive in. After all, if I don't like it, I could just quit again.
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self.Anxiety
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I almost commited suicide but things are looking up If you go trough my account you can see that anxiety, self-injury, depression and suicidal ideation are some very frequently reoccurring problems in my life.
I had been researching bridges and jumping off them and went to a bridge on Sunday night in the city 45 minutes away from my home. I actually tried to go to one bridge and then decided to go home, but I had to cross a river to get back into the state, so I crossed another bridge, wanted to get out to see the bridge, and parked (actually in my state and walked back into the the city). I stayed on the bridge for a while and called my professor who stayed on the line with me until I went back to my car and who then called my parents. My dad spoke to me and my mom refused too, but I don't have a great or comofortable relationship with my parents.
I went to a psychiatric hospital the next day with a friend to get a psych assessment done, and went back today, but nothing much came of it because they do case management and the lady said my social worker I've been seeing for therapy is acting as my case manager. I did not get commited even after telling them the bridge thing and admitting self-harm. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see a psychiatrist.
I told my therapist on Tuesday and this increased her concern for me exponentially. Unknown to me, after the last session when I had read parts of my blog saying I wanted to do things like jump into a rock quarry and commit suicide by cop, she had been looking up other therapy services for me and low-income psychiatric care. She wants to begin meeting with me twice a week from now on, which seems like a lot, but her, me and my friends and professor thought the treatment I was receiving was not sufficient.
I'm working out my options and the women at the psychiatric hospital talked to me about a day hospital program on a sliding scale with a psychiatrist and sliding scale psychiatrists. My therapist talked to me about a DBT group and low income psychiatrists as well.
Many people have expressed they love me and care about me, so I feel I'm less likely to attempt to do this a *third* time than ever. I hope I can pursue more intensive treatment, because the next stop after for me would literally be death. I'm even excited to take medication because I've spent my older childhood, teenagehood and adulthood unable to focus, lacking motivation, failing school, paranoid, anxious and many other unpleasant things.
Things are going much better and I hope other people on here can get help too.
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self.depression
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Anxiety is a liar This is a thing that I am reminding myself of and that is helping me get through the night. Anxiety is not the truth. It does not have your best intentions in mind. It can be scary and hard and have real-life effects, but those thoughts are not true. Now I'm working on finding the courage to consistently stand up to anxiety and tell it to screw off.
Any thoughts or ideas that are helping you get through the night/day?
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self.Anxiety
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The only time people would hang out with me is if I paid them... And that's the sad part about it.
Thank you for letting me vent.
Peace.
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self.depression
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Anyone feel super good in the morning then everything crashes down? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Anyone feel more depressed this time of year ? I don't know why I think it's the fact another year has passed and i don't feel happy, still suicidal thoughts still on medication and half the time I have no idea why. Anyone got any opinion on this? Or something similar ?
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self.depression
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What's wrong with me? List. (long, confusing, and embarrassing...so brace yourself) Reasons why I'm stupid and need to...go:
I am a 21 year old and I still walk on my tippy toes. That is not normal or okay. I thought I killed the habit by now, but people still notice.
Can't make eye contact with people for anything.
If you get a stomach virus and vomit needs to come out of the body, most people can puke it out just fine. I, however, get a panic attack because it feels like I'm dying. It feels like fear is taking over my body and I'm just terrified for a few hours, because that's how long it takes for any vomit to come out...if my body lets it. Screaming and sobbing all the while. Embarrassing.
I've missed out on great opportunities because of how insecure I am. I could have been the singer I always wanted to be by now, but instead I'm here dwelling on dumb stuff. Now it's too late so I don't work on music much anymore. I just cry a lot.
I'm dependent on my fiance when it comes to any social situation. Poor guy has suffered enough.
Through the years I have tried to help others as a method to make myself feel better, but I've realized that it doesn't work and I end up drained, because of how much they end up wanting from me and because it doesn't really make my problems go away. I was never fit to invest myself in others if I can't even help myself.
My former best friend and I aren't friends anymore because of a fight we had. That and a recent argument I had with my fiance resulted in them both saying the same thing to me. "I've tried to be here for you, but at this point the only help you really need is from a trained professional".
I got my license less than a year ago and I still don't drive much because how scared I am of the road. I get so nervous on the road that I shake and, even though I'm always looking straight at the other cars, the road, or whatever I need to be paying attention to, my fear just takes over and I blank out. I got so nervous driving recently that I ended up in the wrong lane, and I ended up sobbing and screaming at myself when I got myself to a safe place.
I haven't driven since then until a few hours ago for work. My fiance and I take turns with whose car we use to get to our job, but he drives either way. When it's my turn I only drive the one road to his house to get him and drop him off. That one road is easy to drive so it has become routine, especially since we work late when not many other cars are on the road. But while I was on my way home tonight after dropping him off, police were blocking a whole part of the road and I just got nervous at the change of routine. So nervous that my body just went into fight or flight mode and my memory of it now is foggy. All I remember was that I turned off the radio, I was breathing heavy, rolled down the windows, and drove slower. This wasn't part of my nightly routine and I blanked out and got nervous on what to do. They were trying to direct cars and I thought they were directing me, so I started going faster to follow, and then I heard a yell to "STOP!". I pressed hard on the brake, popped my head out and nervously asked "What's going on?"
The guy looked so mad at me. "You're driving 100 miles per hour!!" (not literally, but you get it)
"Sorry...I'm nervous. What happened?"
He looked confused. "...There was a crash. Why are *you* nervous?"
"...I'm always nervous. It's just part of my nature."
Now he was just super confused. "Okay, well, just follow me when I direct you. And drive slow."
"Yeyeyeyeh gotcha!" I said while nodding my head rapidly. "I can slow I'm good driver." (This wasn't in a rude tone, I just don't know how to talk right when I get nervous).
Then as I was following their directions I was adjusting my jacket and realized...my seatbelt was off. I ALWAYS have my seatbelt on and I had it while I was driving, but I think I got so nervous in that situation that I just...took it off??? I don't remember taking it off??? Did I take it off in the moment- while I was DRIVING, because I thought I was getting pulled over?? Did I take it off in front of that dude??
After I got home I just got mega embarrassed and cried in the driveway for 30 minutes, got inside, got back outside to get my keys from the ignition, and went in my room to sit and cry in the same spot on my bed for 2 hours. Now, here I am writing a whole bunch of hoopla that will make everyone here on reddit annoyed and/or confused at the length and content.
TL;DR - I'm just this idiot who keeps getting back into this suicidal hole after all these years. Who is guilty and tired of draining her friends, so now I distance myself from everyone and try to keep it all to myself. I'm an idiot who can't think straight when nervous and just dwells on the tiniest things for years. Who can't talk, walk, or function like a regular human being. I'm tired of not knowing what exactly is wrong with me besides anxiety and depression...I know it's more. Or maybe I'm just dumb and these are excuses. I just need a proper diagnosis. Therapy starts in a couple of weeks, but I don't want to wait that long anymore.
That being said, my 22nd birthday is in a few days. I wanted to...be a musician, be *something* I could be proud of by the end of age 21, and it's too late for any of that. I'm nothing but a (tippy toe) walking embarrassment.
So I know that leaving is the best thing for me to do.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm killing myself because of Ocipital Nueralgia aka the suicide disease. Its nit a disease its a condition. Its a bad berve I have on my head. It feels like I'm constantly being hit on the head with a hammer. Nothing helps. All meds make it worse and some have made it so bad that I've tried to end it half heartedly before.
Next week I'm going to end it for good. I'm going to take a good dose of sodium azide and hope thatll end it once and for all.
Like I don't want to die. But its gotten to the point where it hurts so bad all the time and misdiagnosis and forced antidepressants and antiphychotics made it so bad that death is definately preferable to a life of feeling like ahammer is hitting your head.
I just want to post to talk to fellow suicidal people. Unless your in a situation where you feel a chronic stabbing pain I wouldn't end it. Although emotional pain is bad to and after 7 yrs and mutiple horrifying events I'm just numb to my feelings. I feel like I'm not there. Like people see me but I'm notbthere in trapped in a shell that hurts and prevents me from being myself and the mixture of pain and not being myaelf is whats killing me.
I don't react typically to meds and anxiolitic aldont do much so I've decided to go the way of poison with sodium azide.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Unbearable Situation On the same day of my 18th birthday, my father moved us from our home, to a new country, without attempting to get us legally settled (which he had many occasions to do) he bought us a tiny apartment in the middle of no where, and left us here, he went back to his country to do "business", sold our original house worth five hundred thousand us dollars, and wasted all the money on his "business", in the process he made us broke, and illegal residents of a new country, it's been three years since then, I have attempted every way possible to get a work permit, which is horrible because I have lots of experience in something which I won't discuss, or a legal residency, and it still won't happen, I even applied for refugee status as it was my final option, but even that was denied, the country i'm currently living in might kick me out in 2 months, I have no where to go, my passport expired and any documents that I need to renew my passport are with my father, whenever I talk to him he says he'll sort it out, but all he cares about is himself, and doesn't trouble himself by even helping with our situation, All I can do is work from home, I have 3.000,00 in the bank only, my hair is falling out, when I was younger I wanted to go to university and study, I even graduated highschool a year earlier, now I'm 21 living in the middle of no where, don't have a residence permit, can't work, and have no home to go to if I get kicked out, because my country of birth is a shithole.
I have daily arguments with my mother, which doesn't help with my stress, she is so thickheaded and doesn't even talk about anything that would relatively help us, she talks shit about my dad, and even belittles me in our conversations, every time I talk to her I feel like I'm gonna murder someone, I get so angry that I feel like I can punch a whole through steel, the knuckles on my dominant hand are so much bigger than my other hand from punching every wall in the apartment, I don't want my name, I don't want my family name, and I don't want the religion I was born with, I don't even believe in god, but even in the street I feel stigmatised for being me; there is no where to go and I feel like i'm going to burst, my city doesn't have anyone my age, I don't have any friends besides the people I talk to online, and I feel like I'm just withering away.
tl;dr read the fucking text.
EDIT: My mother isn't a bad person, but she is always angry.
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self.offmychest
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Whats the point I've been wondering this every day now. I've had bouts with suicidal thoughts before but its clear now that its the only way I can free my self...of my self. I hate myself so much. I hate that I get so clingy I hate that I get so jealous. Im 19 and have never had a girlfriend. People hate me. Once they see whats inside they want nothing to do with me. Im broken and nothings going to fix it. So I plan to jump off a parking garage next week. My parents are never going to forgive me. I love them dearly and this is going to hurt them forever. But its my choice. I cant stand living i cant stand trying to make it in a world I dont understand. I have no skills no talents I failed most of my college classes. I wasnt meant to live in this world. I'm a failure and im going to fix it...in the worst possible way.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anyone have experience with TMS? My psych thinks I may be medication resistant . Curious for other experiences,, either being med resistant or trying Transcranial magnetic stim
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self.bipolar
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ladies on lamotrigine, what Kind of birth control do you use? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I can't stand it My pillow was really flat
and my mom KEEPS SCRAPING the bowl with a fork and
anyways I wish I had someone to talk to really badly!!
as my tumblr says, I can't get a counselor yet cuz of technical difficulties
I really wish I had a friend to talk to online =(
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self.Anxiety
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I wish I had a friend! I am all alone all the time and have depression. This makes my life just pure sadness all day long, it’s nice talking to you all but I wish I had a friend that could help me through these dark times. Someone that I could be with and just hang out with socially. It would be very good for me right now. All I do is spend my evenings on the sofa feeling depressed. I don’t want to be alone anymore, I want to be with someone, I don’t have any pets either. Thanks for reading and I would appreciate some comments.
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self.offmychest
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Is anyone having trouble affording the proper treatment if you're diagnosed? My friend and I are starting a foundation to help those with depression pay for treatment (medication/therapy) so contact me if you know anyone or you need extra financial help we are still in the early stages so we will likely not be able to get you money in the next couple weeks but we will do everything in our power to get it to you as quickly as possible. even if you don't need help or know anyone, please upvote so others can see... I was depressed once but thanks to my generous family who was able to pay for treatment and medication my suffering was short-lived, and I want others to have this opportunity as well, so please do not hesitate to inform me if you or a friend needs help
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self.depression
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Despite trying to get help it seems like it's all worthless in the end. Goodbye world, I wasn't meant to live in it anyway I'm in counseling , I started medication, and yet my suffering is not alleviated , I'm still tired and hopeless and things don't seem to be getting better. It's all worthless. Abused children like me weren't meant to live , we were meant to die and stop a destructive family line. Filthy queers like me weren't meant to live , we were meant to die. I wasn't meant for life, life isn't for everyone. Goodbye , it's all over , I'll be at peace once it's all over
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self.depression
|
I just need to say things somewhere I don't expect anyone to read my shit or say anything , it's usually that way. I just need to spew my brain some where. There will probably be typos and bad formatting. I don't care.
I'm suicidal. I'm depressed and all that. I've got a full host of crap wrong with my brain. At least my depression has been around so long that I no longer feel the need to act like there's a reason for it. There is no ultimate material reason that makes me want to die. My brain is sick. That's it. That's literally all there is to it. It's an illness.
People do care. I love my friends and they love me back. I love my SO and he loves me back. I sincerely respect my boss and enjoy my line of work. I'm surrounded by great people and I'm very grateful. Sure, finances and physical health can be a struggle sometimes, but I'm not suffering in that way and I believe we do quite well keeping it all managed. And I'm grateful for it. I have lovely pets that bring me so much warmth. But just as love and gratitude cannot cure heart disease, love and gratitude cannot cure mental illness either!
So yeah, I'm still suicidal. It's not me being unappreciative or selfish. It's an illness. It can't be willed away. There is absolutely nothing that I'm wanting to solve or escape through dying. Any argument relating to the "temporary problem" crap is totally irrelevant. My brain just has this annoying habit of sending push reminders every few minutes to say "I wanna die."
So, obviously (having been through multiple treatments multiple times) I actively choose not to listen to that message. I go live my life and do my stuff. So what does my brain do? Well, it responds by slowly erasing the concepts of everything I am grateful for and can help me feel better!!
I enjoy being strong and active? Okay, brain will highly increase perception of pain. I decide to turn to my plethora of DBT/CBT/fucking etc of coping skills? Okay, brain makes my thoughts so scattered and foggy that I am unable to either focus on the skill or understand how they work (despite using them for years). People I am grateful for? Good luck, brain reduces ability to create and hold meaningful memories as well as emotional permanence so I can't remind myself of that love. Food? Nah, it all tastes the same and makes me feel sick, eating is just a chore.
Etc. It just goes on like that. This is what depression does to me everytime I get in another major episode. I can handle the mild chronic depression that's always there, but these major parts.. there is nothing I can do except keep seeing my doctors and taking my medication. Because it is an illness. And it's my job to treat the illness before it erases everything else and makes suicide the only visible option, simply because it's too foggy and scattered to be able to have any other thought.
Thank you folks. Writing this stuff out helps me break the cycle in my head for a few minutes so I don't sink too far too fast. So, this exercise has kept me alive for another night. Be safe.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My mom died today It doesn’t even feel real. She was only 34. She just didn’t wake up this morning. I haven’t talked to anyone about it, because I don’t want to bring down their new year celebrations with the news. I just feel alone. I really miss my mom. She was so happy these past couple of months. New boyfriend, new job starting tomorrow, all her kids - me and my little sisters. And now she’s gone. She’s really gone.
Edit:
Thank you all for your kind words. I never imagined so many kindhearted people would take the time to respond to my post on the holidays. I want every one of you to know that I appreciate each of you from the bottom of my heart. Waking up and reading these kind messages from all of you has helped me immensely. I’m going to try and reply to all of you, as you have taken the time to send your love my way. Thank you so much.
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self.offmychest
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I'm doing "well" in life and I'm still miserable despite my best efforts. By most metrics, I'm successful in life.
I'm also in my 30s and have never had any kind of intimate relationship. This wrecks me, on a couple different levels.
First, it pretty much wrecks my self-esteem. I get that rejection is part of dating, but... I mean, a decade-plus of first dates and no second dates really makes you start to think something must be wrong with you.
Second, the thing I just said makes me feel like an ungrateful POS. I have a ton of stuff going for me in life that a lot of people only dream of, and yet, I'm selfishly hung up what I don't have. I have a loving family, a lot of amazing friends... and I know this, and I feel ashamed that their presence in my life isn't "good enough" for me to be happy with.
I'd basically describe my life as a cycle of depression/low self-esteem, determination/self-improvement, confidence/optimism, rejection - repeat. The worst part is, I "succeed" at self-improvement while I'm in the cycle, and that just makes it worse the next time around. I make goals, I reach my goals - and nothing changes. Why bother trying it again? I've sat at home for the last three hours, with a list of goals in front of me... and basically just stared at a wall because I don't see the point in any of them.
Thanks for reading.
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self.depression
|
Venting (wall of text inbound) I have been struggling with depression for about a year and every time I think things are improving I somehow find a way to fuck things up and push myself further into the abyss. I have ruined every good thing in my life and there was little of that to begin with.
I don't have the will to keep going, nor to end it. I just sit here, ignoring work, hoping someone will plow into me as I type this in a parking lot and end my wretched life for me.
Medication helps a little bit but I rationalize to the point it has become ineffective. I have an appointment coming up and I wish I could just get something to make me completely numb. It would be a welcome change compared to feeling like I ripped my skin off and live in a salt and lemon juice brine.
Lately I've been having thoughts of suicide. Researching so I cause the least pain to anyone in my life should it come to that (make it look accidental). "Think of your kids" is the only valid reason anyone can give me, and that too can be rationalized away. People would hate me (but they already do), they would mourn, and they'd move on. If I'm not alive, why would I care if they hate me? Making postmortem threats seems fairly unconvincing.
I know if I could hold on and work through it there is a chance to be happy again. But when? How long do I have to endure this stress and agony filled life I made for myself? Is it worth it?
I'm so exhausted from fighting life. It is far more adept at landing blows in my weak points that I just want to stay down and let them start the count.
Thanks for reading.
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self.depression
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Break up Me and my girlfriend broke up a few weeks ago
And her friends,who were also my friends never talk to me, she never talks to me and I want us to be back together. Ill feel fine sometimes but then I'll just get really down, and I've started acting out, like doing stuff like kicking desk and such. I don't have the guts to ask her to take me back or even talk to her because I don't want to be that weird ex
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self.depression
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Does anyone else feel trapped in their room? Ive rarely left my house in the past year ever since I dropped out of high school (I'm 17) and since then I've felt more isolated than ever. i have no friends to do stuff with and it's really starting to get to me. I find myself struggling to eat ,sleep enjoy movies, music, video games and well anything really.
I just want to be happy and have something to help me kill time and not think so much...
Thanks to anyone who actually read this. I just needed to vent.
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self.depression
|
Husband of a bipolar 2 wife in desperate need of help My wife is bipolar 2 and over the past day she has fallen into the deepest depression i have ever seen to the point where she is saying that she is done trying, done fighting and wants it all to end. She talks about not being able to remember any positive memories and how she cant cope with the paranoia of not being able to trust good times. She keeps saying she is done and trying to get me to let go. Nothing she has tried has worked and she doesnt believe anything can. Worst of all she no longer wants to try and i dont know what to do. She could never forgive me for any hospitalization where they would take away who she was with drugs. I'm a desperate wreck and i don't know what to do or how to take care of her. I don't even know what I am asking or hoping for in posting this. I am just lost and want to fix things for her. Please don't share this post on any other bipolar groups as i know she reads those.
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self.bipolar
|
I'm 16 almost 17 I think I have depression and wanted to kill myself before. I still have these thoughts sometimes. And the reason is my mom. This is probably going to be long and thia is my first time ever sharing something online like this. I am in the 11th grade I still feel like killing myself sometimes. It started in middle school. The summer before I went into highschool. I've been hit a lot by my mom but that's normal in a black family consodering that I didn't always do the right thing. Somethings I find it was stupid to hit me. Like I didn't wear my jacket on the way to the bus stop or I created an instagram and snapchat account without asking her. There are certainly other ways of disciplining your children with out hitting them. Right? I got hit a lot during middle school and my friend who also had problem at home showed me this song. It was Bullet by Hollywood undead. If you don't know the song already it's about committing suicide. I really like the song and I began to listen to other Hollywood undead songs. Whenever my mom would get mad at me and I would listen to these songs. It helped me calm down. These songs were the songs I listed to the most. I was really into anime at the time and I used that as my outlet when I was having a hard time. I watched it so much that I started to neglect my chores and my mom banned it form me. That being my only outlet at home to laugh and be happy I was really mad that it was gone. It was stupid and I know that there is a completely valid reason for it being taken away, but that's when it really started I think. I was fine at school but when I came home I hated being there. I started to feel that being at home was more of a prison than being at school. My attitude changed a lot. Once I got really mad at my mom and I thought about cutting but I knew I didn't have the guts to do so. So instead I scratched myself. My nails were really long so I thought it was perfect. I would scratch my arms, punch myself in the arms repeatedly hoping that I would get to see it bruise. From then on I felt better when I hurt myself. I continued when ever I was mad. I did the previous things mentioned as well as chocking myself with my hand. Sometimes I used a belt and tied it around my neck and pulled until It became hard to breath, then I would undo it. I would punch myself in the face and when ever I held a knife when I was cleaning the dishes I would want to cut myself, but I was still too scared of the pain. At one point I didn't want to eat dinner and my mom made me and wanted me to do some type of chores after. I was mad and so I shoved the food into my mouth and I was really mad, I started crying, and I wanted to hurt myself. I had a fork in my hand and without thinking I stabbed myself in the calf with the fork and continued to eat. I broke skin and bled a little.(I don't eat with my mom. I eat in my room). Another time I felt scared but brave. I seen the scissors next to my bed and decided to cut my stomach. I made 3 small lines. It bled a little but not a lot. I felt proud that I was finally able to cut myself, but I thought I might seem like an attention seeker so I didn't do it. I got in trouble one morning because I was watching anime and my mom seen me. She told me to be ready when I came home from school because she said she was going to beat my ass. I left the house scared and I didn't want to go back home. When I walked to school I walked next to the street and it was just a shoulder. There wasn't anything blocking me. I looked out into the street and thought about jumping into the street and getting ran over. I walked closer and closer to the road but I couldn't jump in. I was too afraid of the pain. I can't handle pain that's why If I were to kill myself I would do it painlessly. My friend tried overdosing but she failed. I thought about overdosing like she did but to make should I would die. I would take the medication pill that are prescribed to the other person my mom and I live with. Since his pills are all over the house I would just get them and take them in the middle of the night when everyone was asleep and after I took them I would put a bag over my face so once I pass out I'd just suffocate and die. I thought about this often. This went on throughout the whole summer and a bit more once 9th grade started. I ended up getting into K-pop and Kdramas. This became my substitute for anime. I ended up falling in love with Korea. And I made that my escape. I decided that after Highschool I'll move there away from my mom forever. This made me want to live. And I got better. But my habit never ended. Whenever I get mad I always listen to Hollywood undead. I mostly stopped self harming but other times I would lash out and that's how I made myself feel better. I didn't have a good relationship with my mom since I was young and I still don't but I decided that I'd tell her about what happen during middle school. She cried a lot and I thought she finally understood me AMD it would change. And it did for a bit but of course it went back to normal. In my 10th grade I meet my bestfriend who I love so much. He encourages me and he gave me another reason to live. He has his own problem because my bestfriend is transgender and gay. Actually a lot of my friends are a part of the LGBTQ community and of course I support that community more. But my mom things that because they are my friends that they will turn me like them. I really hated it when she said that. She says that she's okay with them and she has family that gay bit they way she talked about my friends made it seem like she didn't. It really hurt me when she said that. I don't care who you are but I will not let you talk bad about my friends. During my 10th grade summer I went to see my grandparents and that was hard to do. I went for the whole summer and I couldn't get along with them well. It made me understand my mom more and I came back home feeling better. I helped out more and things like that but we still had problems. When I'm on my period I have really bad mood swings. But it's mostly directed at home or towards my mom. She does the same thing when she's on her period. She gets mad and has her days and she takes it out on me sometimes but it's perfectly fine for her to do that when I do the same exact thing and I get yelled at for having an attitude. Recently I'm in Key club, Japanese club, and Video production club. I was looking for a job and she keeps telling me about knowing my priorities. And she's been nagging me about so many things that she already said before. I gave up and decided that to get away from her instead of moving to Korea or going abroad once I go to college and dorm there I decided to just move out. I looked at apartments and my mom took my phone one day and found out that I want to move out she told my and still tells me that the world is going to eat me up and spit me out. She says she isn't trying to be mean but she's just telling me the truth. I know I'm not going to move out as soon as I graduate but it helps to keep me alive since all this time I feel like she is taking away everything I like and everything that's keeping me alive. I can feel myself wondering more and more about why I am living. Why do I have to go to school and do all of these things when I'm going to die anyway. If I'm going to die anyway shouldn't I just die now to get it over with. I got the job and am currently working but I don't know what I want to do in the future. Where should I go to school? Should I move out? Should I suffer here more? Should I live in California with my dad? I don't think so. But the only thing I know is that I want to work with kids and I want to be with my only bestfriend forever. At times I forget all of that and I just want to die anyway. I just want to run away. I want to get away from my mom. From the person who tries to understand me but no matter how many times I try to explain she never understands me. So I give up. I don't talk to her about things that are bothering me. Because all she does is cut me off and then turn it into a lecture. She doesn't listen to what I have to say anymore or ever so I give up. But I don't know what to do. I want to die but I feel like I don't have the right to. Other people go through worst than me. Yes I am in a poor family but people are poorer than I am. People get abused everyday. So do I really have the right to runaway and die?
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self.depression
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How to accept this girl may be going off me [deleted]
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self.depression
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Just got ghosted/canceled for the third time this week. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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In ER, need help fast My cat bit me HARD on my wrist and I have 2 deep puncture wounds. I came to the ER where they cleaned them and gave me 2 antibiotics , a tetanus shot and now I'm getting one of my migraines that cause me to see double.
My stress and anxiety is through the roof and I'm terrified and alone. I'm so scared.
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self.Anxiety
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Anxiety at 14yo I get usual anxiety due to thinking too much about certain things. For example, I get usual paranoias about my friends, crushes and family (usual teenager stuff) and I usually get sad when something bad happens between me and my crush/family (again, not the problem). I'm not antisocial, I have plenty of friends, yet I almost always feel alone (something missing that is).
The problem is that I think I'm getting too anxious both for my age and for the things I get anxious about. I don't become anxious about exams nor anything like that. But I feel really sad for things that shouldn't matter that much.
I also think I fall very easily in "love" (I'm well aware that this sounds corny as fuck) and it's stupid for me, since I'm only 14.
So being 14 I'm really anxious and depressed at times and I just can't fix it. And I'm talking real anxiety. I've had a couple panic attack. Plus insomnias and paranoia. I easily overanalyze things with not that much meaning and that fucks me up.
Yes, every time I'm anxious I breath deeply and that usually. But do you think there's some way that I stop overanalyzing and overliking something that I shouldn't?
By the way, anyone to just chat? I think I need to talk to someone I don't know.
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self.Anxiety
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