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It's so hard not to be angry or irritable all the time. [deleted]
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self.depression
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(18F) How do you motivate yourself? Background: I'm currently a freshman in my second semester of college. I'm taking medication and see a therapist to help me cope with my depression. I also work-out at least 5x a week and eat fairly well.
I find that these things help immensely but there is nothing harder than getting out of bed on days where my depression is the worst.
I fall into a pretty vicious cycle. I'm in the honors program where I go to school and I care about my academics very much. If I skip class(es), it makes my depression worse. I also have trouble with making it to work on these days, but thankfully I am blessed with an extremely understanding boss.
I feel like at this point I have tried everything and it's exhausting. I'm hoping some fresh insight from Reddit will help. I'm willing to try anything at this point.
A few examples of what I've tried:
1) I set 10 alarms
2) I drink water before bed to make myself have to pee in the mornings
3) I am not a big breakfast person so food/coffee does not help
4) I tried making plans repeatedly with my SO to meet somewhere so I would have another reason to be awake, but that didn't work.
5) I had people call me in order to make sure I was awake.
6) I wrote out a list of what I want to accomplish in my life and read it often.
7) I also put a whiteboard up in my room and I write a weekly attainable goal on it. If I complete that goal, my SO and I do something small to celebrate (there is nothing like getting ice cream even after only a small victory).
8) I worked out in the mornings for awhile to get myself on the right track for the day.
There are a few more things but I think you probably get the hint.
Most of these things work(ed) temporarily, but I always fall back into the same habits, especially around times that I'm the most stressed out. Help, Reddit! What motivates you to get up in the morning?
I should add that I have PTSD and some nights I sleep very little due to nightmares and sweat panics. My SO tries his best to help me wake up, but he always feels horrible doing this when he knows I haven't slept. This makes me feel more shame because 1) I am an adult; it should not be his responsibility to wake me up in the mornings and 2) he feels so guilty like it's his fault when I don't wake up and I'm unintentionally putting a **ridiculous** pressure on him.
Advice needed! I'd really love to hear some positive encouragements because college is fucking hard!
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self.depression
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HELP I have severe anxiety and minor things can set it off. My wife gets upset when I have panic attacks and treats me in a very condescending and unsympathetic manner.
Suicide is a regular thought in my mind and sometimes I entertain the idea of going through with it.
Today has been an insanely difficult day, I barely slept and anything I do has drawn criticism and rebuke from my wife. I've been having a panic attack for the past 3 hours and this has only been an inconvenience to my wife. She doesn't treat my anguish with anything but resentment and contempt.
I have been going through this for 9 years and I'm at the point where I just don't want to go through it anymore.
I don't know what to do.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm ruining my relationship I love my man. He loves me. We've been together way longer than I anticipated.
I'm going through a rough patch. Anxiety keeps me awake at night - what if somebody murders me tonight or what if my friend dies or what if I crash my mum's car tomorrow? I can't sleep.
I love my man and he loves me more than I love myself. I first tried to commit suicide when I was 13. My parents have been tiptoeing around me ever since, asking whether I'm 'fine' every other day.
Ignoring his messages, flirting, acting like a dickhead. I don't deserve him or the love he has for me. I am ruining the only relationship I have ever been happy in. How do I stop?
I love my man. He loves me. I don't know how to tell him I have another lover. My nights are sweaty and sticky and full of screaming - nightmares. I'm cheating on my happiness with darkness and it feels so good.
I love my anxiety and it loves me.
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self.depression
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Is it really better to love and lost than never loved at all? I miss my ex-boyfriend. We’ve been broken up for 3 months and dated almost a year. We lived together and we had great chemistry. I’ve had time to reflect on what went wrong and I️ wish I could of changed it while we were together. We really didn’t have a falling out but we were pretty much no contact this entire 3 months. Last week we went out to dinner and things progressed and we hooked up. My guard has been up since our split and it was when him and I went out to dinner. However, i️ let it down when we had sex. I enjoy being single but I hate what comes with it. I enjoy the independence and not having to let someone know where I️ am at all hours of the day but at the same time I miss someone checking in on me. Someone who genuinely cares about my well being and just someone to come home to at night.
Don’t get me wrong, I️ have a supportive and caring family but I just miss the intimacy/vulnerability with someone I’m in love with. I don’t think him and I will ever get back together and I wish I could tell him how I feel but I know it’s not a mutual feeling so there’s no point to even waste my breath. My circle of friends are all engaged/married and it sucks to know Im just the single friend again. I just miss my ex-boyfriend and wish I could go back in time. However, just as the name, I needed to get this off my chest.
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self.offmychest
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I need advice. My folks are visiting tomorrow and I'm stressed the f out. [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I'm freaking out about college So, I've been living in my room without doing much for the last year finishing highschool, I'll start going to college by the 29th and I'm freaking out about it.
I never do anything by myself, my mom has always solved all of my problems for me and now I can't be told to do things on my own without panicking. I'll have to get out of the house, get into a bus, travel about an hour and thirty minutes, get off, and then come back, all during the night, I keep thinking about every little detail, afraid I'll mess it up, get on the wrong bus, get out at the wrong stop, get lost, I can't ask people for information, my body just doesn't allow it I freeze thinking people will judge me as stupid, I had to take a bus to go to school as well, and at the first time, even when I saw my stop coming up I kept doubting myself thinking I was at the wrong stop, and I wouldn't move, I almost stayed there but a lady saw my uniform and told me I should get off there. There are no uniforms for college, no one I know at this new bus, I'm so afraid to do this stuff by myself, I feel stupid talking to people about it cause they say this is so easy there's no way to mess it up : (
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self.Anxiety
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Dealing with heightened anxiety and bad nausea on new antidepressant - needing some encouragement I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for years, with bouts that are particularly awful. For the past few months I noticed that my anxiety was getting unbearable, and while I'm on generic Wellbutrin for my depression, it doesn't do much for my anxiety at all. I've tried a few different SSRIs in the past that didn't seem to suit me, so after consulting my doctor we decided to try Prozac in conjunction with the Wellbutrin. I've been taking 10mg a day for the past two weeks, and I've dealt with fatigue, chronic nausea and my anxiety feels worse. I know that the "it gets worse before it gets better" phase always sucks and feels like it drags on. I just forgot how impossible this seems when I'm in the middle of it. So I'd love to hear any tips or success stories from you guys (especially if you take/have taken Prozac)
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self.Anxiety
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Been through a lot recently, getting chest pains, I think it may be anxiety [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I'm still alive Just to ease some minds of those who reached out. I am still here.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Other people having it shitty doesn't make me feel any less shitty, in fact it makes me feel worse A lot of times when I'm depressed, people like to point out a lot of people would love to trade places with you(which is true). But that doesn't make me happy. Just shows me that it can get worse from here and I'm a crybaby that doesn't have a real reason to be depressed.
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self.depression
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empty words i just posted a bit ago but i'm really so upset. i've been in bed for 4 days straight and i have hardly eaten or had water and no one in my household has even tried to talk to me about it. they ask whats wrong when they finally see me and i start to tell them and i can see that my words just annoy them.
as i said in my other post i literally told my parents that i can't stop thinking about killing myself and cutting myself and swallowing all my pills and they just sighed and started yelling and my mom got exacerbated when i mentioned the psych ward. she kept saying she's so busy and it's expensive and "you have work you cant call out again."
my anxiety is so severe and i have panic attacks so frequently that i cannot even legally drive, so my mom is probably annoyed because if i go to the hospital she would have to drive me there. that takes time out of her day and interferes with her plans so i get it, i dont want to annoy her in the first place.
i feel like i just need to stop bringing this stuff up. i say i'm suicidal, i give them my goodbye notes, and they just get annoyed. i chicken out, don't do it and then they laugh at me and mock the fact that i said i wanted to hurt myself.
my friend just texted me and wants to hang out but i cant even stand up without getting dizzy, so going out is not gonna happen any time soon. im supposed to work this weekend but i dont even care, im just not gonna go at all. it doesn't matter.
i didn't sign up for classes this semester. i have never ever missed a semester once since i started college, this is the first time it's ever happened and i dont even care at all. i literally dont give a single fuck because i know i'm gonna die anyhow.
i haven't had a therapy session in over 3 weeks and my therapist didn't even bother to show up for my scheduled session the other day. she didnt even call me or email me or text me, her receptionist just said "oops, we forgot to tell you, just come back next week."
fuck that, i give up
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm tired of losing my stuff, and I want my fucking scarf back! [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Anyone get an irregular heartbeat beat with lengthy spells of anxiety? I’ve had the irregular heartbeat off and on with my anxiety, usually when I’ve been anxious for a while (days or weeks). Sometimes (when my anxiety is low) I won’t experience any for months. I don’t experience any pain or dizziness, but it is scary as hell when my heart just goes retarded. I had a 10-20 second “attack” like 2.5 years ago where I was certain I’d die, but again I felt no pain or dizziness at all. I’ve been stressed lately and have had a few days where I’ve had to take it easy, but the thing is that I can literally think the irregular heartbeat away. The instant I sincerely stop worrying, it immediately goes away. I should also mention that I’m in good physical condition, and worked for years in a role where I’d routinely run 10km-30km per day as part of other labour intensive duties without ever having an issue.
Does anyone else have any experience with this? If so I’d love to chat as I think it would help a lot. Thanks.
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self.Anxiety
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i'm legitamately going to kill myself holy shit a 46. i got a fucking 46 on my chemistry test today. there's no way i got a 46. i didn't know some of the questions sure but i believed that i got at least a C. but a fucking 46.......i don't have any other choice but to commit suicide rn. my grade dropped from a 91 to a fucking 87 and i only have the rest of november and some of december to yank it to a 89.5-90 for my final grade and i'm pretty sure that won't happen. and i'm not joking. and don't tell me a b is a good grade because it isn't. b means failure, b means dumb, b means didn't try hard enough. not only that but i have an 88 in another class that got yanked from a 99 the other day i have to get up too. i can't end the year with b's. it's never happened before and it can't happen now. i cannot be this fucking stupid oh my god i want to starve and die so bad right now why am i so stupid my parents hate me because of how stupid i am i just want to hang myself or take pills something
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self.SuicideWatch
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Feeling trapped and claustrophobic. My dad and I have a tense relationship for lack of a better term. For the most part, he and I get along fine, but he does a lot of things to make me feel uncomfortable. And it’s not just me he does this to; my sister doesn’t even speak to him and my mom, who divorced him years ago, talks about him behind his back.
I had a physical therapy appointment today, and even though I woke up early and reminded him about it (several times) he still ended up running late and had to reschedule it. This isn’t the first time he’s done this. I can recall two other times where he cancels or reschedules something at the last second and it really throws off my schedule. Once we were supposed to drive my sister to the airport at noon so “we’d have enough time to get a haircut after” so I woke up at 8.
I was wide awake, only for my dad to cancel getting a haircut, saying we could do it the next day. That kind of upset me because I could have gotten some extra sleep. I remember during thanksgiving, we were supposed to leave at noon, so I got up super early; yet again he told me we didn’t have to leave right at noon.
It’s very difficult to talk to my father. If we’re texting about something HE wants to talk about, he texts me back just fine. But if I try texting him about something I want, such as needing to go to my mom’s to get something, I get a one word reply from him. I can count all my dad’s replies to me (cool, wow, crazy, whoa, k) on one hand.
I feel like right is left with him. I tell him the truth, and he doesn’t like it. Then, when I tell him “fine, maybe I’ll start lying to you,” he gets short with me and screams at the top of his lungs “WHY WOULD YOU CHOOSE LYING OVER TELLING THE TRUTH?!” and it’s difficult to reply to that because I just tried telling him the truth and he didn’t like it.
When I don’t reply to him within 20 seconds, he texts back saying “hello?” or “do you copy?” and I don’t dare do the same thing to him because I’m 99% sure he’ll get mad at me for forcing him to reply.
He expects me to bend to his whim. He tells me “if you want to, you can help me load firewood onto the backhoe” but what he really means is “I really need help loading firewood and you aren’t allowed to say no.”
I feel like unless I do what he says, he’ll yell at me. He’s telling me that I’m scared of him, but I’m not scared of him. I’m just scared of being lectured.
When I was younger, he screamed at me for 30 minutes while I was unloading groceries out of the car because I ripped the bag.
I can tell when he’s using reverse psychology. He always threatens to shut my phone off, but ultimately never does. He uses a threat to shut my phone off to scare me into cleaning my room and I don’t think that’s fair because I pay for my phone myself. Just last night he threatened to shut off my phone, and then he told me I can “go back to the house and enjoy myself while he called my mom” and in the morning he acted like nothing happened.
I honestly don’t know how much longer I can live with my dad. I’ve told him I wanted to take off before (I’m 18) but I don’t have a job and I can’t live on social security alone.
When I was younger, I had problems like this and everyone told me to call CPS on my dad. I’m saving that as a last resort because I have nowhere else to go. My mom doesn’t let me live with her.
And to top it all off, he thinks that my relationship with my girlfriend isn’t real because she lives across the country and he guilt trips me by saying “if you want a girlfriend” this and “if you want a girlfriend that” like he’s refusing to admit I already have a girlfriend.
He makes fun of my depression; says that I’m not REALLY depressed, I’m just going through issues. He kept forcing me to smoke pot with him “because it will help me” and when I finally tried a pot brownie, I was on the verge of killing myself.
There are only two ways I can guarantee time to myself away from my dad and my uncle David: sleeping, and taking a shower. This anxiety is really stressing me out. I suffer from dermatillomania as it is, and I already feel insecure about a lot of things. I don’t know what to do.
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self.Anxiety
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Why do meds stop working? Really curious
Am on lamotrigine 200mg and was in remission for like 7 months and then I got a little depressed for awhile, then mixed, now I feel like I'm going up again
Was using olanzapine to manage the manic episodes but besides knocking me out I'm not sure if it's doing much? Idk
I mean the olanzapine didn't work last winter either if any of you saw my posts from then lol
But like why am I not in remission anymore I'm so upset I was doing so well
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self.bipolar
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Should I put up the fight? I posted on here last night asking the perspective of those who've dealt with manic episodes that split relationships apart.
Today I want to ask advice on if I'm doing the right thing.
I understand she may not be able to love me right now and might even hate my guts because of what she is suffering with. But I want to make sure that I'm making the right effort to help her out of this.
She is euphoric right now, enjoying life and feeling like everything is working how it should. The medicine hasn't made its way into her system and she's not too self aware of her mood right now. I know she doesn't have the tools and a system in place to guide her through it, and neither did I at the time.
Last Saturday we talked and she wanted me to give her space, wanted me out of the house and for us to just be friends right now. Not knowing what to do and being afraid of upsetting her, I agreed and have been at my parents for 4 days now. Through what talking we've done she's still made it clear that she just wants to be friends and I told her I will be patient for her, even though I want nothing more to be with her.
Did I do the right thing by getting out of her way or am I letting mania win? I love her to death and know that BP will never go away, but I'm not going to lose her to this illness without a fight. I'm ready to forgive her for whatever she does during this time, and help her pick up the pieces when it's over.
She's never had a manic episode like this before, so she couldn't have been ready for it. Is there a chance that all of this is just her being happy to be out of her slump she suffered through, and not wanting me in her life? Or is it mania removing her love for me.
When I talk to her about it when I see her, she's distant, goes right out her other ear. I point it out and she laughs, because that's what she does when she knows I'm right. I know it's going to be a struggle and it's going to test me relentlessly, but should I step up and say, " no, this is not the normal you. This is BP taking over your brain and you may not realize it right now, but I need you to trust me." Do I go back against her wishes and make sure I'm there to try to lasso this demon down so it can't carry her away with it? I have a lot of conflicting thoughts on how I should approach this coming week, and none of them sound pleasant even if they need to be done.
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self.bipolar
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I Just Don't Know What To Do I'm only nineteen years old, but I've been dealing with insomnia, depression, GAD, and social anxiety for almost a decade now. It's at the point where I can't even remember a time where I was happy.
I couldn't graduate from high school. I had to leave public high school in my freshman year because I spent more time in the nurse's office having panic attacks and crying than I did in class. I was "home-schooled" until I turned eighteen, when I could legally give up.
I don't have a job. I used to work at a grocery store but I had to quit after my anxiety got so bad that I spent most of my shifts thinking about how to kill myself in the bathroom or having panic attacks in storage closets. I can't drive, so my parents had to take me to work. That was the one place in town that ever hires people, so once I left that job I ran out of career options. My parents don't have the time to drive to work in another city every day, even if I could get and maintain any job. I have no talents or skills that can help me find work and make money online.
I have never met any therapist of psychiatrist who actually helped me in any way. If anything, half of them just made me feel worse. I've tried almost, if not all, available medications with no success. There's a chemical used in most anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medications that I'm severely allergic to, which takes away a lot of options. Half of the drugs I've been prescribed to help me sleep just make it harder to sleep, and the other half make me sick. I've also been unable to find any natural remedies that help.
Depression stole away all of my interests and nothing makes me happy anymore. My social anxiety is so bad that even being in the same house as my sister and parents makes it hard to breathe. Being completely and absolutely alone is the only thing that makes me relax, but I only get that while everyone is at work and school. I get six, maybe seven, hours on weekdays, not counting the near constant snow days this time of year (both of my parents work at schools so I have to deal with them too) and holidays, where I can actually relax.
I can't move out because I have no money, and I can't drive or work. My family is poor so even if they wanted to, no one can help me. I have panic attacks just by being in the same house as my family. I have no outlets or distractions that help me feel better. I have no friends because relationships are practically impossible for me. I'm seriously at the point where I just don't know what to do anymore.
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self.Anxiety
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Shout-out to the best damn partner this aspergirl could have [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Been in bed for a week I’ve missed my classes everyday this week. I don’t want to do anything. I feel like I’m withering away.
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self.depression
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1 year since diagnosis and still want to end it all... So it's been a whole year of medication, therapy, rehabilitation and constant month supervision from doctors, therapists and specialists since my Bipolar and borderline personality disorder diagnosis. It hain't gotten better, if anything it's gotten entirely worse. The medication left me tired, drained and sick. I failed 3 modules of my degree in my last year, it'll now take me 5 years to complete an easy 3 year degree. I have no job - which only makes it worse. I have a very supportive boyfriend who urges me to carry on but honestly I just can't. I wake up feeling pathetic and depleted. I don't see myself back in treatment or finishing my degree. All I want to do is end it all. The worse part is seeing everyone around me move forward and become successful and here I am, turning 23 and failing out of university, jobless and suicidal. I'm so deadbeat, I really despise myself.
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self.bipolar
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I’m 20 years old, never had a job, need help/advice [deleted]
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self.depression
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I think I am slowly losing it After my first suicide attempt I kept telling myself "dont do it because it will hurt your parents and so and so" and I did the same after the second attempt, but I cant keep on lying to myself I really want to do it, I cant take it anymore
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self.SuicideWatch
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I have no REM sleep? Feeling butthurt. I recently had a sleep study done. The polysomnography report gave me 266 awakenings and zero minutes in REM sleep, sleep efficiency 60% because I was awake from 3am to 4.40am also.
My psychiatrist tells me that this is due to staying in bed wallowing in depression for much of the day and that I need to get up and clean, that my wallowing is making me depressed. I am feeling butthurt, because I suspect I am lethargic due to the medications he prescribes, and undertreating my depression. But I could just be paranoid I guess.
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self.bipolar
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First Christmas in 26 years that I’m not spending like I normally do and I’m pretty bummed out about it [deleted]
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self.depression
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Fear of going insane Hey I would just like some input on a topic that really bothers me.
I have had anxiety for about 2 years and it has gotten severe to the point to where it is affecting my life a-lot. I fear that i am developing schizophrenia so im always looking for signs and convincing myself that i have symptoms of schizophrenia. I struggle with derealization and depersonalization a-lot as well, when i try to go to sleep there is so much noise in my head i feel like plugging my ears in an attempt to calm the noise, but the noise is in my head not from outside of my head. I feel like i may be developing schizophrenia or something and it just really scares me, i also question wether or not some of the little noise i hear or little thing i see are hallucinations or not. Like i said I really fear the thought of having schizophrenia and i think about it day and night looking for symptoms, i went to a therapist and he said that it was just anxiety but for some reason i just cant shake this feeling that he might be wrong or that he doesn’t understand my situation or something............. just let me know if anybody else has experienced this
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self.Anxiety
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She said she hated me. She said she hated me. Hated. You don't say that to someone you're supposed to love. Yeah, I can believe things were stressful for you and us being at odds for the better half of 2 months must have sucked for you too, but I didn't do anything to warrant that kind of language. I treated you so well, was there for you in the toughest times, always told you I loved you, shot down every one of your insecurities and told you they weren't true. Took you out, bought you flowers, came to visit you even when I only had $200 to my name. Gave and gave and gave until I had nothing left, and I got some nice words from you once in a while, when you were drunk. All of my needs were always shot down and you never took full consideration of my feelings. It always seemed like a chore to you. How hard is it to just love someone back the same way they love you.
Fuck all the times you shot down my kisses, fuck the times you didn't say "I love you" back. Fuck your god damn rules that you always had for our relationship, I gave you the fucking world, and fuck your shit of not wanting to cuddle and not wanting to hold hands.
If somehow you find this, if you're wondering why I have been so angry lately and on edge, it's because I've been in this for a year and a half and finally realized that it wasn't fair to me anymore. I love with all my heart, I was all in. And my needs continued to be missed, time and time again. I couldn't ever tell you a damn thing without you getting defensive about it or upset that I brought it up.
I made you mad, sure, but you said you hated me, and I made your life miserable for the last 2 month's, that you felt like you were with me because you were afraid of being alone. And you expected me to want to continue after hearing that? Fuck no.
Try actually putting in work for once in a relationship and maybe shit would go well.
Try giving back and not being so fucking selfish. Oh, and no "I drive to come see you" isn't good enough.
And one last thing, you were miserable before you met me, you said you always have been. So no, I didn't make you miserable, you were to begin with.
Work on yourself.
You lost me, just remember that.
Edit: try being pushed away as often as you pushed me away too and see if you wouldn't have the same reaction. It sucked. In a relationship 2 people work shit out and forgive each other and move on. Try being married and telling your husband you want a day or 2 of NC and see what happens. Shit doesn't work like that.
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self.offmychest
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I’m just gonna write whatever comes to me and hope someone replies I’m sorry if this is formatted badly but I just wanna describe this to someone
Anyone else constantly thinking they’re not depressed? That all this lack of motivation, happiness, confidence and interest are just side effects of you being a shitty person? I don’t even play video games that much anymore, I’d rather watch YouTube for hours because video games are too much effort. Am I even old enough to be depressed? I’m only in 11th grade but I’ve had experiences that could lead to something like depression. Right? Am I just complaining over nothing? Is this just being a teen? Do I just accept my failure and throw everything to the side because I’m hopeless?
Someone just please reply so I know that someone can hear me
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self.depression
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All I want is to die I don't think I'm going to follow through with it just yet, but I'm my second week into antidepressants and now that I'm starting to think a bit more clearly, all I can think about is how I still just want to be dead. It's not even an emotional response anymore. I just really hate myself. I serve no purpose but to let people down and pollute the planet so some kid who appreciates life will have all his dreams and aspirations crushed by the effects of global warming. I have no aspirations, and I'm really not even functional enough to leave the house.
I don't want to play guitar, I don't want to be good at my job, I just want to be dead.
I have no one now, estranged from my family, no friends. My boss called me a month ago and told me he felt ripped off for hiring me. My job is also borderline doing unethical things, but I can't quit for a variety of reasons. If I do, I will not get another opportunity for a job in my field for probably one-two years.
I can't even tell what's real anymore. I estranged everyone to escape how terribly everyone treated me, and it's good, but now I can only remember my regrets.
I have extreme, extreme, unexplained feelings of guilt. I can't think of anything that would be causing it. It's not even a subconcious thing, it's more unconscious.
I bought all this shit when I had hobbies, and now I own too much stuff. I can't even get rid of it. It is so much and will take so much time to sell.
I just hate myself. I don't want to be alive. I haven't achieved anything in life. I've alienated everyone I've ever met. I still meet people from dating sites every once in a while and I alienate them, too.
Obviously, I can't advocate for myself anymore which might alone cost me my job. And that's unfortunate, because, again, I won't be able to get back into my field for another two years. Rip resume, the only thing I had going for me. Rip me, I hope.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Trileptal and Lamictal So I am taking trileptal for my moods and it is definitely helping but I found that 600 was too much for me as I was experiencing nausea extreme tiredness and lack of energy throughout the day. Would going on a lower dose of this and mixing it with lamictal possibly be a good idea?
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self.bipolar
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Can I die already? If you don't sleep, you'll get manic. Problem is I have insomnia literally and bipolar type one. Am I doomed for life? Is this like the worst combination there is or what?
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self.bipolar
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My family puts zero effort into things when a challenge arises. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Everything feels so negative I guess I'm posting this to see if anyone else feels something similar (which is silly because I'm sure someone does, but I just want to hear it) so here goes:
I've had depression and anxiety on a minor scale for years now, but in the past couple months it's been so much worse. Before my depression felt hopeless and made me feel listless and lifeless, but it was tolerable and I had anxiety, but it was always isolated and related to specific things happening (like a job interview or going on a date or having a big test, etc.) Before I could at least look into the past and feel nostalgic for a time when things were better and I could at least hope that things could potentially get better.
But now it's like...everything is negative, and hopeless, and uncomfortable. I'm constantly anxious or depressed. I can't look to the past for comfort anymore, because I realize how bad it was then too. And every time I try to look ahead of me it seems like everything's just always going to be unpleasant. Even when I think about doing things I normally would enjoy, I feel repulsed and I feel fear and like I don't even want to think about those things.
I know this sounds like classic anxiety symptoms but it's different somehow...it's not just negative thinking because it's not really thinking. It's more a matter of perception than anything--it's not like I'm thinking "my life is always going to suck", but rather when I think about my life I just have an overwhelming feeling of negativity and deterrence. And it's not just a loss of interest in things that I used to enjoy. That's what it used to be, I used to not have the motivation to do the things I loved, but now it's not like I've lost interest in the things that I love, it's that I've gained extreme disinterest in them, it's not that I don't want to do them anymore, it's that thinking about doing them actively repulses and scares me.
Does anyone else experience this? And how do you deal with it because it's like there's nowhere I can turn for relief or comfort. It's like I'm looking at everything through a black veil and don't know how to deal with it.
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self.Anxiety
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Make the pain stop. I keep getting sick. I know why. I can't regulate my own physical or mental health.
I keep getting stomach bugs and I'm calling out of work 2-3x a month.
I just want to not try anymore. Let me rest my head and lose all pain. For this life isn't worth living.
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self.Anxiety
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Anyone there Is anyone able to talk? I messed up and I no longer have any idea on how I can go on
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self.SuicideWatch
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Hopefully my last message. I'm not to sure what the hell this sub-reddit is about but I'm guessing it's about helping people through suicide.
I just turned 14, Had a death wish since I was 5, Life is purposeless and I have no future ahead of me and my life has been crashing down on me ever since I was fucking born, I'v been struggling through this since I was fucking 5 and no one's noticed me/given ONE single fuck, 21/02/2018 5 am australian east coast time (6 hours away from this original post time) I will be ending it, I will be gone from this shitty fucking life once and for all and I know hell isn't as bad as this shit hole.
My last words? Fuck everyone, Fuck my 'dad' Fuck my 'brother' fuck my 'friends' and fuck you to all those 9 kids who I'v beat up during grade 7, You deserved a nice beating.
Though it seems like something an attention whore would do what I'm doing right now doesn't it? Well the reason I'm here? To genuinely ask if there is a future after this, I don't want no fake comments about how it's worth it when it's not I want someone to explain to me who has the knowledge on why it's 'really worth it', Till then peace.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Goodbye to my best friend If this is not the place to pour it out, I don’t know what is.
It’s 4am, and I can’t fall asleep because today I’ve said ‘goodbye’ to you, my best friend. I know it’s uncommon among guys to have such a close girl friend and vice versa, but you know we’ve been through thick and thin for over four years. And now you’re leaving to start a new life. Letting go hurts like a m’fucker.
Not a single person could open me up the way you have. You’ve invested so much in me, even when I stood you up. I hope to God I’ve made it up to you. I just hope I did everything in my powers to make our time together worthwile for both of us.
But enough is never enough. I could write thousands of letters addressed to you, sing you hundreds of songs on one knee, and still say nothing that proves how valuable this connection has been to me. Especially because there’s one thing you don’t like to hear from me. You’re not keen on sentimentality, and your boyfriend wouldn’t approve. But I’ll say it the way I said it four months ago.
I love you. More than anything. I articulate it when I’m alone, when I’m on the public transport, when I visit the places we’ve been to. My lips are programmed to only call your name and proceed with a confession I’m afraid I’ll never make again. I love you, I love you, I love you...
I don’t want to end this post and put my tablet down because it means it’s time to cry like a little baby. And I will cry like that. I don’t want to smile because it happened. I’ve tried to find someone like you and failed again and again. And I don’t care. I’ll cry since nothing in the world could help me bring you back, and there’s no use in it because I won’t stand in your way. I’ll cry because you’re irreplaceable. I’ll cry when I accidentally go to your flat to recollect you no longer live there.
Fuck it. I’ll cry. And I’ll figure it out in the morning. Or not. Obviously, not. But the next morning I’ll love even more for not being close and still making my day. And maybe then I’ll smile. Because...
I love you.
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self.offmychest
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help This guy told me to blow my head off with a sawed off on youtube. It made me very sad and completely ruined my thanksgiving.
Can you guys go and report him, i know if enough people do so than he can get banned at least for a little. (btw I am depressed so this guy really didn't help)
His name is Matt Savage. If you need anymore info let me know.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I i'm not doing fine and i think i cannot go on I'm really considering killing myself, first of all i don't want to hurt anyone but i think i simply cannot handle myself anymore, i cannot eat, sleep or think in a future where i'm genuinely happy. I don't have friends that i can count, when this all started, an old friend invited me to stay at his home because he was worried about lefting me by myself, and that helped me a lot but i can't just let someone take all this from me. The reasons that i think i just human garbage is, i cannot find a job and it's almost a year since i have one and my parents are almost kicking me out of their house and almos every single day i need o wake up with someone screaming at my door because i'm useless and i cannot do a thing, because i tried so hard to find anything to make a little money and even so i just can't (this is the thing that haunts me most), then i was on the middle of my college and i just cannot finish it and i'm feeling like an idiot, because i was trying to enter there since i finished my high school and now i just dropped and now i just can't get in another university because i'm not that smart and this was the thing that make me realize that i'm usefull as a stone, my girlfriend and i was celebrating our third month together, we drink and eat like a couple, have a nice night and when i came home i just talked to her and she broke up with me, because she see me as a friend and needed time to think about it and, this was last week btw, and yesterday i just send her a message to check her out, because i'm a little worried about her but she seens fine, like she doesn't even care, like she dumps me and i'm the only that feels it so i just don't wanna be here anymore, i just wanna sit and cry and wait for the pain go away but it never goes and it's a little hard to breath sometimes and sometimes i just feel like being myself hurts so, i came here looking for i dunno help or at least a friendly word? I'm just kinda lost right now and the loneliness it's killing me, so how can i be usefull besides killing myself and just stop being a dead weight? How do i start again? Just needed to say where no one can hear me, so thanks and sorry for bother.
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self.SuicideWatch
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No thoughts, no feelings. What to do? For the past three years or so my mind has been in this weird, numb state. It takes an effort to produce a thought, an effort to feel something. Often I catch myself trying to figure out what am I sitting here for, little or no connection with my past of thoughts of future. It is as id I’m wearing some sort of noise cancelling headphones but for my thoughts - can still hear something is going on but its all very vague.
Lots seem to be happening in my life - family with two young boys, lovely wife, decent job. I still manage to function even though everything takes an effort - I often have to tell myself “compliment your wife on this, sit sown and do something with your kids, talk to people, get out of bed”. Sometimes it even takes an effort to appreciate the surroundings - was on a hike yesterday and had to remind myself - “look around - woods, skies, snow.. beautiful!” All of it was almost in the second person - as if trying to keep myself awake.
I do notice that if I push myself hard to start something I’ll keep working on it and actually take a joy in it. And the more mentally challenging it is, the clearer my mind becomes.
Can anyone relate to this? How to get out of this mode? I’m only 40. I want to enjoy my life. I want to provide support and love to those that need me and depend on me.
EDIT: Today I decided to call a professional. Left a VM, waiting for their call back.
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self.depression
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sudden drop back into anxiety attacks everyday Hey all... this is my first post here, so I apologize if it seems.. weird or out of place. I'm sorry if this isn't coherent at all, because I honestly am just... freaking out. I (20/F) have been suffering from anxiety attacks since I entered high school, so the past 6 years have been extremely rough for me in terms of social situations and general.. positivity throughout life. However, this past year I managed to get off of my medication (and not be so dependent on it to survive) and I was basically going.. maybe 2-3 months without a huge anxiety attack.
But ever since this New Year started, I've been having a panic attack/anxiety attack nearly everyday. I'm unsure of what's triggered this daily attack, but it's horrible. It's become so hard to breathe, to communicate, I'm dizzy all day long, and find myself wandering back into like.. pits of death. I can't help but think "god this would be so much better if I was dead." I'm not suicidal, I've never even thought about it ever, but I find myself just being in so much mental pain that I would much prefer not even being alive for it.
I know I have stress in life that gets to me - I'm basically a college drop-out because I can't afford college and I take a bullshit online class that I'm already tired of, my mom is physically ill, and I babysit my brother everyday (whom I love, but this is so much for me to handle)... but I have been able to get over it in the past. My parents try to take care of me financially, and mentally, but there's only so much they can do. I find myself reclusing everyday and just crying my eyes out at night at how miserable I feel. I cannot go just one day without feeling so horrible, without shaking and crying, and fearing that I'll amount to nothing.
I just need some reassurance. Something to help with getting rid of having an attack everyday. I'm tired of feeling so miserable, of crying and fearing my own mind. My family, my boyfriend, they all care for me so much, but my mind has just been shutting them out of my head so much. I know I can make it through, and that everything will get better at some point, but I can't find any... reasoning that it'll happen. I've basically given up on myself. I want to find myself again, but I'm afraid it won't happen this time.
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self.Anxiety
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Does anyone else feel like just leaving everything and running away? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Productivity Hey there- sometimes I feel I’m the only one who can’t channel my hypo-mania or depression into anything “worthwhile”. I am so down and my head is so twisted when I’m depressed that I cannot function and when I’m hypomanic, if I’m not on a shopping spree, I’m irritable or dancing to EDM ... alone.
I’m mostly depressed. I hear people describe this illness and say “channel what you’re feeling into your writing” (or some of the beautiful art I’ve seen on here); but then I feel even worse bc I can’t even do that.
I just lay on the couch and binge TV shows on my iPad.
Anyone else out there like this?
In my “Normal” state (sic) I am social, outgoing, goal oriented, productive etc.
It makes me feel like sometimes I’m a subset of a subset- like I’m the most useless of the bipolar group. (Obviously I know I’m not/ I’m expressing a feeling of frustration; this isn’t attention seeking or self pity- I’m not fishing for compliments- just want to know if anyone else feels this way and- how do you deal with it?)
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self.bipolar
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Bored in detox. Still a little manic. I'm so bored. Since I'm detoxing in a medical facility I'm not allowed to leave my room. My girl has to work and I don't have anyone else to come visit me. Since I'm getting benzos for the WD my mania has (somewhat-ish) subsided. There's only so much Internet to keep me interested and so much TV I can watch. I'm starving for socialization right now, and I know I'm still a little manic because my hyper-sexuality is still lingering and I'm still super talkative and social.
Shit
What to do what to do...
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self.bipolar
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I feel so random sad and i think random about suicide :( idk what to do..
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self.SuicideWatch
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Im dealing with the same thing Im 28 and my girlfriend passed from cancer in 2016 halloween and ive done some shitty things to her and everybody else because of how selfish and inconsiderate i was. in the past as well. Said the wrong things to her during our arguments. And drank alot. And hurt alot of people because of my drinking. Lost all my firends. Mainly i just miss her and i am lonely as ive ever been. Cant keep a job due to my bipolar episodes and depression/ suicidal thoughts that make me wanna drink all the time. Im tired of starting over all the time however i feel like ill never be happy again. I have so much guilt built up inside that not breathing and just blackness or whatever follows after this ( hopefully reuniting with the ones i love) seems like the best option. I constantly watch nde vids and other vids about when people died and came back cause it makes me less afraid to just do it cauze they say it was pure bliss and love and relaxation. I hope it is. Anyway thats my story so far. Still trying to build tge courage to just get it over with but IDK.
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self.SuicideWatch
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has therapy helped you? Been diagnosed and on meds for 10 years. Just recently started seeing a therapist because I've been court ordered to as part of my inpatient parole of sorts. My social worker recommended DBT so I've been doing a group DBT class and individual therapy with a DBT specialized therapist. If you've had therapy, what kind and what was your experience?
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self.bipolar
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Coming to terms with bipolar Hey all. Until today, I constantly denied that I actually had bipolar disorder, despite official diagnoses. Heck, I'm probably manic as I type this, having a history of constantly posting status updates daily.
Anyway, I believe what helps me have control are:
-low-sugar and low-caffeine diet (REALLY want to cut it out of my system)
-Mindfulness (being aware that I am, in fact, a person with Bipolar II.)
-Music. Love it.
-Moderate exercise.
I want to learn more about this disorder, and was wondering if I can help anyone on this subreddit, or if anyone can help me. Maybe I've got some mixed energies right now, but I am deep down looking for motivation and inspiration.
Been weed-free for a while now, too. Definitely had some too-euphoric highs from that stuff back in the day, coupled with a great deal of suicidal thoughts and paranoia.
Keep going, everyone. This is a tough deal we have, but life becomes significantly better the further you fight. I have had some stormy, stressful days but for the past year or so, I've been 99% suicidal-thought-free. :)
Liam
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self.bipolar
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A 14 year old in need of advice So first off english is not my first language so I'm sorry already
I am a 14 year old boy who is tired of life and everything that comes with it . I had 2 girlfriends one was nice but had really bad social anxiety so I ( like fucking asshole ) left her cause I did not want too deal with it . The other one was a really hard pill too swallow I loved her for a good year ( I think I loved her, I might be too young to ever feel something this strong ) then she told me she liked me too . And for a brief period of time the pain was gone I had the strength too stop alcohol, sleeping pills(not prescribed) and pot and it felt so good kissing her . But it ended too soon and now I have to look at her everyday and it fucking kills me inside.also I don't know if I'm gay bisexual or just in a weird phase and it's just a other burden too wear . Too add to this I have Fordyce spots( a really shitty thing that causes me too have "spots" on my ... Dick ... I mean ffs and they cannot get removed) so that really does not help either . I drug myself a lot so I can sleep well or eat without wanting to puke I know I should stop but I just don't have the motivation I don't want to get up in the morning and don't want to train everyday even though I have to . I have to fence ( fencing) everyday and I'm always getting picked on for doing that sport it's a "faggot sport" or not even a sport at all ! Plus my brother is better in every fucking way he is healthy , way better looking , has a very nice girlfriend, near perfect grades and my parents like him more and I can't blame them but he always pics on me for being a failure to the family and that I can't get my shit together . I do have other problems but not as big so I will just say them all as fast as possible too show myself that I'm not just overreacting (but am I ? I truly don't know and it drives me crazy) my mother is depressed/suicidal,im shit at school,never loved my body/face,I am a mean overall person and I am a coward for writing this down instead of actually asking for help,my best friend took 20 pills in front of me too kill herself and failed she now is better and I talked too her about my thoughts and she just took off and does not want to talk to me anymore,my all time best friend dad killed him self so he moved to a other City .
So too conclude i don't know if it is just a phase or I am truly suicidal it was always a little tough in the back of my head but everyday it grows and gets stronger and I feel like it's only a matter of time before I kill myself . So I am asking you my depressed online friends am I depressed? Or just a drama queen what should I do to get the motivation to help myself and is it just a phase ?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Please don't pretend to be my friend if you don't mean it [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Help with a relationship? Background- been seeing a woman for many months, at the same time seeking treatment for bipolar (treatment has been helping but not at 100%)
GF doesn't seem to want me. Doesn't seem interested in me. Claims she wants me. She seems distant. No matter what I try. Not intimate at all. We haven't had sex in over two months, one excuse after another. I love her, she says she loves me, but u don't feel like she does.
What do I do? I don't know what to do. I needed her the most today, especially bad day, and she left when I started crying (I've been crying a lot since I've been on medication) How do I handle this?
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self.depression
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I want to quit everything. The only out is through death. Well here I am again. I thought I'd go through with it last week but I didn't. I failed life and I don't have enough to make a change. My whole life sucks. Work, home, lack of a social life.
I'd love to leave the US given how everything here is heading for a collapse and maybe civil war, and due to the expats literally always saying it's greener on the other side. Enough so that they'll never come back. From statistics it seems they're right. Other countries have it much better than the US. Safer, cleaner, better healthcare and education, more stable, and more opportunities to succeed. Not to mention simply being American is wearing me down. But everything I read says you have to be somebody to emigrate. Something beyond the reach of someone who is poor and works a stupid pat time job at a warehouse. Once my mother (who I'm stuck with right now) dies I really will have nothing left.
I can't even afford to move somewhere less shitty in the country because of lack of money and once again lack of job skills. Only $1000 to my name with no other assets.
The only way I see to escape is to move out of life to death.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Adults who went decades undiagnosed, what was it like to finally get treatment? How did you manage for so long without it?
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self.bipolar
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The shortest random bit of bullshit at 3am Within a month my crush has become nothing more than a random human who (edit no) fears me and the person who led me to therapy over a year ago has become the person i fear the most.
Goodnight.
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self.depression
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Alone in a room full of people It’s the worst feeling. I feel it all too often.
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self.depression
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Home no longer feels like home to me This is my first time posting here and also my first time telling this to anyone. Apparently it feels good to take things off your chest like this so i wanted to see if it works.
I am a 17yo male living with my mother, her boyfriend and my younger brother. My parents divorced when I was younger and my father left the country. We still see each other every few months and we have a good relationship. He’s from another country and I have a big family from his side over there. I spend my holidays with my fathers part of the family because i have a lot of relatives there that i enjoy being with and also i am a family kind of guy so being there with my family makes me happy.
Thing is, few years after my father left, my mom got a boyfriend and at the time me and him were getting along pretty well. Another few years later my mom got a second job and was working till late night. This was when we decided to move in with him. I agreed back because I wanted our mother to be able to spend more time with us and not working. At the beginning when we moved in with him things were going ok.
It’s very different now. We all got to know him better. Well, my mom and my brother have similar interests with him, they all enjoy going into forests and hate cities. I am the exact opposite. I realized later last year that while they got a nice new family going on, I no longer feel like I’m part of it.
Also we got a cat last year which was awesome at first, but then I saw my mother’s boyfriend clean the cats toilet with the toilet brush which I found gross. This probably shouldn’t be such a big deal if i didn’t already have OCD where i constantly wash my hands. But i did and now I cant touch anything in the house without rewashing my hands afterwards.
This, combined with me no longer really being a part of the family and a few other things result in me being in depression for the big part of the year. The only times when I am truly happy and feel like at home with my family is at my aunts with which we both love cities and traveling. I also get along very well with my cousins that live there that i take as sisters and love them all very much.
I have a lot of suicidal thoughts lately and i dont know if its worth it to be in the pain that im in most of the year.
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self.depression
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Conquering depression I’ve gone through a few bouts of depression in my life and I️ always ended up conquering it the same way. I️ always forget this when I’m in it but it’s the fastest way to pull out of it.
Live intentionally.
With each time I️ pulled out of it there was some inciting incident that turned the quiet depression so painful that I️ had to do something and it just hits that I️ DECIDE I’m done and I️ live intentionally. I️ breathe life into the activities of day to day and assign my actions purpose, and seek out activities that turn my attention outward. Even if I️ really really don’t want to get out of the bed and do those things I️ do. And slowly but sure I’m living an intentional life again, not just letting passing moods blow me down.
I️ hope this advice helps someone
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self.depression
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Any help with driving anxiety? Hello everyone, I'm really struggling with my debilitating fear of driving. I never linked it to anxiety, but as I think about it all my fear comes from how people perceive me. Am I driving too quickly, slow, did I make a turn weird, was that honk for me? It's also a lot about sensory overload... check the mirrors, speed limit, look for signs, what is everyone else doing...
I just moved to an area where I really need to start driving but it's so hard - I used to just use public transportation. I try and go out there everyday but my state of mind doesn't really change and even going to the grocery store is still a nightmare for me. I feel pathetic when I see my friends go on 8 hour roadtrips. There is so much I want to do and see but I feel trapped in my home unless it's within walking distance.
Any help would be appreciated.
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self.Anxiety
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I feel like my life is in shambles. What should I do? I feel like I'm a complete failure. I'm currently in university, I have a job that I love, I have friends, I have supportive family, but still I just can't shake the feeling that I would be better off never having existed.
It's a bit difficult to explain, I'm suicidal, but I don't actually want to commit suicide because of the message it would convey to the people I care about. I don't want them to feel like they weren't good enough for me, because my issues have nothing to do with them. So, instead of thinking about suicide, I keep hoping that some sort of lethal accident will happen to me or that I'll be diagnosed with a terminal disease.
I have been to exactly two lectures this entire semester. At first, I just stayed home and wallowed in my own self-pity in the hopes that next week, it'll all be better and next week, I'll go to all of my lectures and get back on track. As each week passed, I had more and more anxiety when it came to the thought of going to school, so I didn't go and had at least an equal amount of anxiety staying at home and wasting away my days doing virtually nothing. I don't know what to do now since exam season is rapidly coming closer, and I already know I won't be allowed to sit some of my exams because I didn't participate in the lectures/hand in my compulsory essays etc. Shit, I don't even know what most of my professors look like since I haven't been to their lectures even once.
In the previous two years, I started uni in September, quit after a semester, re-applied for a different field during application season, got accepted and started that same vicious cycle all over again. I don't want to go through that again, and I definitely don't know how to tell my parents that I've quit again, should that happen. After I got accepted for this field, my mum begged me to stick with this field and finally get a degree so I could get a decent job. Non-entry level jobs are almost all exclusive to applicants with some sort of higher education, so I know she's right.
The only thing I do is go to work, where I earn barely enough to get by. Even though I love the job I currently have, it definitely doesn't pay well and that leaves me with nearly no money by the end of the month. I've had a cavity for about 2 months now, and I don't have the money to go and fix it. My winter boots are in dire need of replacement, but I don't have the money to buy new ones. I know that one thing I could cut to save some money would be smoking, but I don't want to give it up, as stupid as that sounds.
I have also been getting these weird thoughts lately about whether or not I was sexually abused as a child. I don't have any clear memories of the actual abuse (or my entire childhood in general tbh, it's just random bits and pieces), but I do have some recollection of unusual things happening for a child of my age, for example going to the gynecologist at age 3 or 4 and acting overtly sexually at times (touching myself at around age 5). I did some research into this and a lot of the symptoms of past sexual abuse checked out.
I think I should see a psychiatrist, but at the same time I just can't imagine opening up about any of my mental issues to anyone right now. It's all fine and dandy to do it anonymously on Reddit, but to talk to someone about it face-to-face scares me immensely. I've tried to talk to my mum about it since she was also diagnosed with depression in the past, but every time I tried, I just physically couldn't get the words out.
Thank you to anyone who took the time to read my rambling. Any insight/tips on how you cope with your depression and ensuing fuck-ups are much appreciated.
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self.depression
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Another day alone Which is nothing new to most here , I imagine. Oddly lately , I've completely gone of t.v. programs...lost utter interest..Which isn't making the days go faster. Especially when unemployed 8 years.. mad when I think about it..
,8 years no friends no girl friends...
Started a SSRI'S seems to help a little..
Any way like everyone , hang in there
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self.depression
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It's all gone to shit again. I don't know why I bother trying. Five years ago I was homeless right after graduating school. I've been trying to improve my situation ever since and it's been an uphill slog, but I thought I could do it. I've been living cheap in a house with over a dozen people to save money. I've been paying off student loans as fast as I can so I don't end up paying a shit ton of interest. I've also been working my ass off.
That seemed like it was working. Sure I've been really stressed and the long hours have meant I don't really have a social life, so I've been depressed and lonely, but it will all be worth it when I'm finally stable. I sacrificed my health and worked 60 hour weeks for months with a lung infection I couldn't get treated since I don't have insurance. It paid off though. Last April I was given a huge raise, I bought a nice car, paid off a bunch of student loans, and eased my hours back to only 45. I started to save up to make a down payment on a place where I wouldn't be a grown man sleeping in a bunk bed.
The business I work for got sold though. The new owners cut my pay by over 30% while begging me to stick around claiming they'd make it up to me in January. It's January, they just announced they're going out of business and I'll be unemployed soon. My new car needed about $3k worth of unexpected repairs and my dog needed surgery that ate up all that was left of my savings. It wasn't worth it. I put myself through so much, sacrificed my health and sanity, and I'm going to be homeless again soon if I don't figure something out. Admittedly, this is my fault. I should've quit the second they cut my pay. I shouldn't have bought a car. I should've just died five years ago and not put myself through this.
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self.offmychest
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Eventually I don’t see the point in living if I’ll never really want to. Apparently I’m over dramatic and annoying about it, but I don’t see what could be good about living even in the future. I’ve been holding on for 7 years with the thought that one day it will be better in my head and it hasn’t gotten any better yet. I’ve been waiting since I was 9 for life to seem to be looking up, and while it’s definitely had it’s good moments, I haven’t had one good day in years, maybe even in the last seven.
It doesn’t seem like there’s anymore to my life, or like anything will ever make me feel good enough to carry me through it. I know I’ll wait it through, probably. I know I do have people that care about me, and I have a dog stretched out over my feet right now that’s keeping me alive.
I know I have so many reasons not to do it, but my mind tells me if I have so little excitement for the life ahead of me, why bother?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Avoiding the world This is basically what I do. No spending time with friends, going out as little as possible. It just feels exhausting interacting with people or doing day-to-day things so I just kind of cut myself off from the world. Anyone else feel like this? What do you do?
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self.depression
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Trouble with derealization and escapism My anxiety and panic has gotten so significantly better recently! However I still struggle with two things and would like some advice if it wouldn’t be out of your way:
1) Derealization- When I’m alone I feel completely like I’m in a dream. I feel as if my mind is detached from my body and I’m watching a video of myself doing things. It’s very dream like. Sometimes it’s kind of relaxing and I go with the flow. Often I get scared and paranoid however and feel like I need to talk to someone (usually helps me snap out of it, can be about any topic). At night when everyone is asleep though, like right now at 1am, I can’t and I can’t fall asleep either because I’m so paranoid so I just stay up so late that I basically can’t help but fall asleep.
2) Escapism & moderation- My anxiety has gotten better so video games and substance aren’t taking over my life (at least anymore). I’m rather young (15m) and I sometimes drink. Normally just wine at the dinner table stuff like that wouldn’t ever drink at parties at this age. But occasionally when I do drink I want to keep drinking just to get drunk even if I’m satisfied with the amount I had previously (I have control I’m not addicted but my family has history of it so it worries me.) I also I like video games but sometimes I feel like I want to be in the state of playing video games even if I don’t want to play them if that makes sense. In other words I want to play video games because it helps my anxiety even if I don’t enjoy them that much anymore (I do sometimes but I almost feel like I’m forcing myself to). Also baths calm me down and when I’m going through a rough time I might take like 2-3 baths a day which is absolutely absurd. In short when something helps my anxiety I have trouble moderating it and this manifests in more things then I mentioned sometimes (ex: [not to be too personal but] masturbation, candles and incense, showering, YouTube videos, cleaning [when really stressed can clean all day], eating]
I know I should talk to a therapist about this stuff and I’m going to as soon as I get one (mom’s work changed insurance so I’m out of therapy for the moment) but until then I would just like to ask for some advice/support/general thoughts?
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self.Anxiety
|
Looking for some school/life/work advice? I'm in my last year of school and my last semester involves a practicum. I'm a recreation therapy student and in my province, national certification is optional but highly desired and my school temporarily has the ability to enable me to pursue this. But, we've had a hard as fuck time getting info from places for applications.
So my options are:
1. Go to a different city and work with a population that I'm familiar with but that isn't my dream population, but there is a good chance I'll get this placement
2. Wait until the spring to re-apply to local placements I did not get that is with a population I am most interested in working with, but no guarantees I'd get the placement (2 other people at least have already signed up for it).
if I wait until Spring I can complete 2 courses that would be necessary for certification, if I don't wait then I can complete them after graduation (already enrolled in one online, so if I finish that before I graduate then I just need to take one more).
I'm 26, turning 27 next January, I just hate the idea of post poning things even more than I already have. Sigh. I also hate the idea of re-applying to a practicum and *not* getting it, and then just possibly having to do exactly what my other option is anyways.
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self.bipolar
|
I am being too picky? Attractiveness and Personality. So long story short I go on a date with a girl, she's pretty cute but I don't feel like I'm 100% in being attracted to her physically compared to say other girls I've dated. However, I really enjoy her personality and we have good chemistry etc.
In this kind of situation, at what point are you being too picky vs settling for less? I mean as women get older and if you're dating someone seriously you will both not be as physically attractive as time passes. So having a mindset where you weigh heavily on attractiveness sounds like it will set you up for some terrible relationships in the long term. How does one even learn to put their mindset to focus more on personality over physical looks? Is this the right attitude?
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self.offmychest
|
I don't fucking understand the superficial nature of the world Honestly, I find in most situations, like 90% of them, the way a person looks don't have jack shit to do with anything. How the fuck did it become such a big deal to everyone else in the world? I don't fucking get it. The way a person looks usually has absolutely no bearing on what I think about a person unless we're talking physical/romantic attraction or if my safety is currently in question (like when I'm walking through a big city late at night).
Idk man it just fucking feels like I'm tuned out to the rest of the world somehow. I don't even know what can be said about this beyond the cliches "that's just how the world works", "congrats lololol you aren't as superficial as everyone else good for you!", "you can't hate people for basic human nature", etc.
All I know is I'm bitter about it and the fact that having to worry about looks just brings another pointless challenge in my life I have neither the intelligence or inclination to face. It's like I have to force myself to think of reasons to stay a part of this world and all I can come up with are reasons why this world is shit and why my growing misanthropy is completely justified.
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self.depression
|
I spend a large portion of my life just trying to ignore my own life. I will read a lot, or listen to music or podcasts, or watch TV, or surf the internet, all to escape the fact that I have no friends or anyone to talk to. I don't think I want my current job to be a career, but I honestly don't know what I want to do, as I don't feel that I have any talents whatsoever. I owe so much money in student loans, and now I also owe some to medical bills and in taxes. I just don't feel like there's much in my life that is even really meaningful enough to me. There's no joy, and making it through each day is becoming a real struggle. I would really like to have a therapist just so that I can have SOMEONE to talk to and help me find some direction in my life, but I don't know how to go about finding one, and I honestly don't think that I can really afford one, anyway.
Sorry - just wanted to vent somewhere.
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self.depression
|
I can’t do this anymore I can’t pretend like everything is ok. I can’t watch my life be ruined by my mom who says she “cares” about me but destroys my life at the same time. I don’t know when, but I’m ending it soon. The fact that I haven’t even had my 18th birthday is pathetic. I have so much potential, but it’s all gone now. My life is in ruins. Hopefully people will learn from my mistakes, and at least something good will come from my life. I don’t know what to do, but I can’t face the pain, shame, and suffering anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Manic Episode Gone wrong...Lost job, wife, friends, family...nearly did it again. finally getting help I'm scared. I don't know why I've resisted treatment.
I've never posted on reddit, a forum, or anything. I don't know what I expect to gain from this but here it goes...
With my first marriage, I guess I can "give myself a pass" since I didn't know what I was looking at. Spoiler alert, the title says it all. Went from having a 6-figure income, car, friends, beautiful loving wife, to having nothing.
I sold the few things I had and left the country. I wanted to figure out what the fuck had just happened. I thought maybe it was the stress (I was working a ton in tech, flying every two weeks, etc.). I was a person of peace, a "chill guy" that was fun to be around and that was relatively popular.
I thought maybe I was overcompensating for a repressed, controlled, and (quite physically) abusive childhood....that I wasn't living my true life calling and that some sort of internal dissonance had just built up over the years, and erupted into a whirlwind of lightspeed thoughts, gratuitous indulgence in sex, drinking, and partying...not to mention dubious business ventures.
I met up with my ex (bless her angel heart) and she helped me immensely. Convinced me to go to the doctor.
I was diagnosed with bipolar a year and a half ago but was "feeling good" when I saw the doctor. I disregarded the prescription (lithium and some sort of benzodiazepine IIRC).
I thought meditation, no drinking, no caffeine, and no big stressors in life would mean I could keep the demons caged.
I was wrong.
After burning my entire life to the ground, I took some time to just mediate and try and find a center, find my old self. I was doing well.
I met a beautiful, fantastic woman in my travels where I was conducting my healing.
Everything was great. We get married and move back to the States so I can start building a life again, with my new loving partner.
Then the racing thoughts start. I wake up at 0300 (after falling asleep at midnight) fully alert. I clean, I go for a workout, go swim in the ocean. 0530...shit.
I get on the computer and start working on some music. Its awesome! The hours go by and I'm making some pretty cool stuff. I work on some programming/software side projects. I am there coding straight until midnight. At least I'm being super productive!
Then I'm HYPER irritable. I feel like I can read peoples thoughts and feelings and its nothing but hostile towards me.
A guy makes a snide comment to the cashier in the store and the next thing I know I'm out front talking to the police. I guess I was going to beat this guy to a pulp after I said something about his comment and things escalated. I can barely recall the incident but fortunately no blows were exchanged and I was able to talk my way out of it.
Its been getting worse the last few months. Money has been tight and we've been barely getting by. Things have finally come together the last few weeks. The money is coming in and we're finally settled into a place to live that is ours.
I take her to the beach to relax, take her to dinner, do some shopping, enjoy a bit of the new found wealth after scraping and pinching pennies for the better part of the this year.
I grab the car and pick her up from the bar we were at. I was irritated. It was raining, the phone kept cutting out while I was trying to coordinate with her and I thought she was hanging up on me and disrespecting me (no...not even close). We start arguing (don't remember this). I notice she brought her drink into the car so I grab it out of her hand, spilling a ton on her, then throw it out the window. A heated argument obviously ensues...
I stop at a gas station to get some gas, take a breather, get some tobacco, and try and chill. I end up yelling at her to get out of the car. She doesnt and so I threated to call the police.
I leave her at the gas station, drive around the corner, and pull down deep and do some meditation for I'm guessing 5-10 min.
I try calling, no answer.
I go back and shes there on the phone and crying with a woman who is consoling her.
This lady's husband starts getting in my ass. Fortunately I had just enough control and things diffuse. I get my wife back to the car.
Cops...again.
No biggie, they take our info and ask some questions but its nothing to really warrant anything further so they move on.
My wife is beyond upset...to say the least.
We drive home and I finally start coming to my senses and realizing how much of a total fucking asshole I've been. She says she's done. She gets the bipolar thing, but says she has limits, and its my responsibility to get the treatment I need. All true.
I dont know what my resistance to treatment is. Part of me is afraid of losing the manic swings. They are fun, productive, and creative...at first. Then it becomes full-steam-ahead and gets away from me. Paranoia and hypersexuality manifest. Then the inevitable crash.
If anybody has made it this far, have you resisted treatment before too? Then were you able to turn it around?
I'm scared. But I'm finally taking the steps I need. I have an appointment with the psych tomorrow.
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self.bipolar
|
My last relationship haunts me years later. Just now a picture of her came up on facebook. Goddamn it. I've gone through so much to avoid seeing her face. I'm always afraid I'll see her in public.
Four years ago, my wife and I had a trial separation. I was with this girl for maybe five months total. She was horrible. Controlling. Histrionic. She didn't want me being around my daughter and my wife at the same time. She didn't want me to talk to my wife... etc.
Five months. Four years ago. And I still think about it. Even though my wife and I fixed our relationship, even though we've had another kid together. Even though I am happier now than I've ever been. I still think about that brief time. I still think about that girl. I find myself wondering what that horrible person is up to. I think about what horrible things I've done... and today, out of the blue... I see a picture of her because some one on my Facebook page ran into her at random and tagged her. Do I like the post? Do I ignore it? Either way, I'll be thinking about it all day. And I obviously can't talk to my wife about it. FML.
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self.offmychest
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The magic pill for performance anxiety Hello,
I just thought I'd share an experience I had last week.
I have always had a hard time giving presentations, sometimes I have a hard time speaking up in meetings at work. The last time I had to present a project proposal it was to three people, all of which my peers, and it was an incredibly intense experience. My heart raced, it was so loud that I could hear it in my voice. I got sweaty, my voice cracked, and I lost my train of thought. It made me seriously reconsider my long term career path (which will require me to present daily). I talked to my doctor in June, he prescribed me a very low dosage of Propranolol. Propranolol is a blood pressure medication that blocks the flow of adrenaline without leaving you intoxicated. I've experienced a significant amount of relief with this medication beginning with the first dose, although I haven't yet had to present anything significant.
Flash forward to two weeks ago. I prepared a training session for my small team of 5-6 people and was discussing the plan with my manager. My manager asked if I was comfortable with him inviting a larger audience, I said "sure", and about five minutes later I saw my meeting invite forwarded to around 100 people, about 45 of which eventually accepted. At that moment I realized this was going to be a test.
The morning of the training I woke up unintentionally at 2:30AM (the training was at 7), I spent the time talking over my slides and reviewing the lab material. When it was finally time to start I became very aware of the nervous pain in my stomach, afraid that it would lead to something worse. I took a deep breath, reminded myself that life is temporary, and said "Hello everyone, let's get started". My voice never cracked and the pump of adrenaline, sweat, and fear never kicked in. I spoke through the slide deck, walked everyone through the labs, and before I knew it the two hour session was over.
This pill is **magic**. If you experience the same physical symptoms I can't recommend this drug enough. With a little bit of practice I think I'll actually be able to get over this.
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self.Anxiety
|
Anxiety help Got my first every panick attack on my last stats test a month ago, now I have the finals tomorrow. Im scared that Its going to happen again and I'm already anxious about it. Anything to help with it?
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self.Anxiety
|
A small break of habit goes a long way I recently started walking with my hands outside my pocket. It's a really small change but before, I used to curl my hands into both my pockets and walk, i felt self conscious about what to do with my hands and literally how to swing my free hand. But I decided to make a change and I noticed my self confidence has skyrocketed and so my anxiety has drastically been reduced. It's the little things that make a difference
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self.Anxiety
|
I’m a self harming drug addict I’m heavily addicted to sleeping pills(benzos) I pop like 12 a day and have been doing so for the past 2 months.
I felt so guilty about my addiction that I slit my wrists for the first time yesterday. And it felt good. The physical pain numbs the pain and guilt of my addiction.
Drugs have ruined me, and have turned me into a self harming, shell of a person.
I have lost the ability to feel all pleasure. The only pleasure I can ever feel is is from taking drugs and cutting myself. Nothing else in my life makes me happy. I’ve never been able to have what I want, ie a loving family, a girlfriend, real friends, to be attractive, and be able to live a normal fucking life where I’m content.
But nope. I never had any of that.
I just wanna fade away. I wasn’t built for this world.
All that flows through my veins now is drugs and self hatred.
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self.offmychest
|
Mr. Monthly Visitor, just visit already! I'm tired of being an evil female dog to everyone I know, I'm tired of my lower half hurting constantly, I'm tired of being nauseous, having hot flashes on my face, tired of the rollercoaster of emotions, and I'm tired of the depressive episodes.
I'm not pregnant. No sex this month and the months before we used protection and I bled. Please just start already?
Day 33 of cycle and no blood. Again. Not pregnant. Just fat. That's what my doctor would say.
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self.offmychest
|
Getting worse before getting better Hi.
I'm a 20 year old man, currently studying and working as a developper. Being "stressed" has always been a part of my personnality, I thought, and I also thought that it was just how life was, and everybody felt like that. But a bit over a year ago, I went to the ER because of an intense, burning chest pain. I was diagnosed with myocarditis. It's not a big deal, and is easily treated. Myocarditis will tire you, and taking a walk would make me feel like an old man for months after I was hospitalized. But I wasn't really worried about the rest of my life, because I had no reason too.
Three or four months later, when I was really stressed out, I got a relapse scare. Went back to the ER. Nothing. Happened again three months later. Still nothing. From that point on, I would imagine myself sick from all kinds of things. Just talking about the midlest flu would make me feel uneasy for a second.
So this year was punctuated by medical appointments (MRI, scans, ER visits...), most of them warranted by other health issues, others much less so, most likely caused by some psychosomatic "reactions". One of the things that surprised me the most (while at the same time, not surprising me at all) was my usual doctor saying "Yeah, we've caught on your tendency to stress out in 2013...". Really made me look into myself and see how much of my life was driven by anxiety.
As someone that never had any major health issues (like most 18-20yo, I guess), I think it... triggered ? (I know this term is more accurate when talking about PTSD, but I can't think of a better one) a much more "agressive" form of anxiety, which I can feel... *more* ?
I see a therapist (which is costing me a fortune, even in a country with healthcare), and I have a prescription for benzodiazepines. But things always seem to get worse before they get better, and the "better" still isn't much better...
So I guess, after all my ramblings, my question is : how do I make it more bearable ? What can I do to make day-to-day life easier ?
Any google or reddit search would bring me some answers, but I want to know from people that are "in the same boat" (Although i'll hear anyone out, of course !)
I would also like to apologize if some of my vocabulary seems weird, but english is not my first language... and I feel like speaking it is actually kind of relaxing for me !
Thank you
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self.Anxiety
|
I guess I just have to vent I've been dealing with my depression for like a year and a half now. I don't know if it is just because the semester is ending, but I just feel like throwing up. I am tired of just feeling like I am not good at anything. The beginning of the semester I thought it would be better, that I will excel and be "normal" but it hasn't gone that way at all. Even though I'm doing better I still failed a class. It's so frustrating. And on top of not feeling my best, my roommate has been given me attitude since she's been home. Usually, when I'm home (which is almost never) and she comes home I have always kicked out the living room so she can watch tv. But I am tired of sacrificing and moving out her way in MY apartment. I don't even know why I feel the need to please people so much just to lower myself. I don't know, I am just feeling overwhelmed. On top of that, my therapist said that I need to become more stable, how long is this going to take??? I'm just so tired.
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self.depression
|
I'm tired of these mood swings. I think I just had my most severe mood swing ever. I got a temporary job a couple weeks ago and I got to work with one of the most amazing people I've ever met. she Inspired me to be better and during those 2 weeks and the week after I've been on this high where I've felt the strength to face myself and for authentic human connection. I felt not only happy but that I was growing as a person.
2 events in the past 24 hours have set me off and I'm sinking fast...
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self.depression
|
Edge of Seventeen movie - can relate to Mom Watched this movie today, and something about what the mother said, really resonated with me.
"Mona: Why don't you do what I do when I'm feeling down?
Nadine: Mom
Mona: And I say to myself, "Everyone is as miserable as I am. They're just better at pretending."
Her mom, for me, is just like her. Struggling with anxiety and depression. The only difference between her mom and Mona is that, her mom needs to suck it up and be an adult for her kids. She has to pretend that everything is ok, she needs to work, she needs to pay the bills, be an adult. And I feel like, I am Mom. I can't be like Mona where I can lash out and be rebellious because I am not a teenager anymore. I am an adult now. So even though I am depressed and anxious and want to kill myself at times, I have to suck it up, drink my medications on time and face the world. But, how I wish, I could just be Mona.
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self.depression
|
I wrote my note today, I'm going to do it tonight. I'm giving myself today, but I will not be alive tomorrow, at least conscious. Thank you for the help you all attempted.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I found this old diary entry (CW: suicide) I thought this might be relatable to share with you guys. It was definitely an eye-opener to me. I found this under my bed, but it's from less than six months ago. I genuinely do not remember feeling this bad at all. I've been doing well for a while now, and reading this was like, "shit, really? I was doing that badly?" Pretty wild. It's dramatic and self-indulgent, as most diary entries are, but I still thought it might be worth posting here just to...I don't know, spark discussion. Or as a reminder that you can feel this bad, and a few months later not even recognize the words as having come from your own mind.
(For context re: the first paragraph, Sara and Lauren are my sisters.)
Entry:
"I promised Sara two nights ago that I wouldn't kill myself. I think I've promised that to a couple of other people over the years as well. The people to whom I make this promise, they're the only reasons I *can* make it. In my darkest moments, when the only thing I can do is lay in bed and fantasize obsessively about hanging myself or slitting my wrists, the thing that's snapped me out of it most bracingly is the thought of what my suicide would do to my family. It's not even the images of them crying at my funeral or bringing flowers to my grave that upsets me the most viscerally. It's things like Lauren, ten or twenty years from now, introducing herself to a new friend and, when it gets to the "tell me about your family" portion, having to explain, "I have one younger sister, and I used to have an older sister, but..." Or of Sara at her med school graduation, scanning the audience and briefly expecting to see me there, despite knowing I'd been gone for years. It's why I know that whatever else is going on in my mind, I can at minimum keep myself safe. I won't kill myself. I might not do it even *without* my loved ones to consider. However bad I feel, I'm not sure it's bad enough to warrant the extreme action of *murdering someone*, even if that someone is totally up for it.
I'm not going to kill myself. But my God, what *am* I going to do, here in the depths of this? The pain that feels like it must surely be unsustainable, but persists day after day, week after week. Getting harder year after year. Not *worse*, in terms of depth or intensity, but harder because the *exhaustion* it causes grows year after year, wearing down my defenses like water eroding rock. And as the exhaustion accumulates, the periods of reprieve become both rarer and shallower. And in those periods of reprieve the depression still weighs heavy, a putrid gauze wrapped in tight layers around my soul, preventing me from breathing fully, from seeing clearly, from engaging with life -- mummified alive. The gauze loosens but cannot be removed, I cannot rip it off triumphantly and declare, "this is over! I'm free!" On my good days I can see through it more clearly. That is all. There is no escape.
I still get glimpses of the person I consider my "true self" (although I know that idea is reductive and largely unhelpful). This person, True Kelsey, is intelligent, ambitious, curious, but also a daydreamer, a little flighty and impractical. She has a rich inner fantasy life. She is kind to others, although she prefers her own company over being around people. She thinks deeply and navigates the world with joy and confidence. My current self evolved from that one. But wrongly. Something in the process, some glitch, some mutation, scorched my fantasy worlds, extinguished my creative spark, and left this current person to substitute for the former until she returns -- *if* she returns. A steward looking after the land for an absent queen. The steward is joyless, self-absorbed, and tired. She oversees a wasteland. She has no ambition to seize power for herself, she just wants the good queen to return so that she can quietly disappear.
Alternately: it's as though I was a well-crafted character on a TV show, but a team of new writers came in and, for whatever reason, could not continue to write this character well, so she now drifts purposelessly through increasingly nonsensical plotlines, like "The 2016 Election," having devolved into a one-dimensional caricature of a once-loved character.
Or it's like neither of those things. Below a certain depth, metaphor fails. You are left with stark, ugly reality, blanched even of the weak, bleak pleasure of romanticization. You are left with a pale, pathetic person who weeps in her nice home while millions starve, who lays in darkened rooms convulsing with despair and self-pity (and self-loathing *for* the self-pity), squandering her talents, disappointing friends, becoming older and fatter and sadder. At least during previous depressions I *cared* about things, thought of people other than myself. Now I just pretend to care, struggle to exist, and sit around perpetually on the verge of tears, fantasizing about dying.
Do I *want* to die? Unclear. I certainly want to quit life in, at minimum, a non-permanent way. And I want to get badly injured to the point of death and be revived, as though attempting the "turn it off and back on again" trick on my brain. I want to escape, not so I can go on a grand adventure and do beautiful, rewarding, soul-healing things, but so I can do absolutely nothing, not think or move or have any obligations or responsibilities. Again, just for a while. Not forever. So that's good. I don't want to be dead forever. I may not even really want to be dead temporarily. I may want to be *better*.
But better is hard. It's so hard. Even with all my privilege and resources and knowledge. Because it takes effort, and that will-to-try is the first thing depression sucks out of you. And I used to try hard. I was willing to try every medication the psychiatrists offered me, to go to therapy, to quit alcohol for months, to eat healthier. When I learned exercise could help, I ran a damn marathon. I'm not asking to live in some permanent state of bliss and contentment. All life, including my "before" life, contains: sorrow, anger, humiliation, shame, disappointment, hurt feelings, fear, grief, existential discomfort, stress, anxiety, pain, jealously, loneliness, guilt, frustration, despair at times. I'm okay with that. But I need something to contrast those normal negative emotions, not to have them relentlessly amplified, with all the good ones sucked dry or faded beyond recognition. Because I know that my life used to contain: joy, wonder, satisfaction, confidence, fun, enthusiasm, curiosity, eagerness, hope, relaxation, tenacity, love, desire, validation, awe.
How. do. I. fix. it. before. it. destroys. me?"
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self.bipolar
|
Anyone heard of the MTHFR Gene Defect and its link to anxiety/other problems? One of my mom's friends recommended she and I get tested for an MTHFR gene defect. There are apparently two genes (COMT and MAO) that when mutated, can cause things like depression, anxiety, panic, gastrointestinal issues, lack of energy, etc.
It's apparently more common then people think, and there are a bunch of products for people suffering from this defect, like Super B complex vitamins and methylated supplements that all help relieve symptoms.
I'm in my mid 20s and have had pretty bad anxiety/social anxiety (mainly the performance-related type), as well as experiencing excessive worrying and pretty chronic Irritable Bowel Syndrome pain throughout the day. Makes it very hard to gain weight.
I've taken all sorts of medications, from SSRIs, Nortriptyline, Klonopin, buspirone, a prescribed anti acid for stomach ulcers, etc. Haven't had much luck with any of my medications to be quite frank. Never really noticed a change with the SSRIs (Cymbalta & Zoloft), buspirone did nothing and gave me weird brain zaps, and Klonopin makes me incredibly groggy/unproductive and unmotivated even when taken at a low dose. I haven't been fond of waking up and stuffing 6 pharmaceutical pills down my throat every morning for the past few years, and really looking for something different.
I'm probably going to go into a blood testing center to get an MTHFR blood panel taken. Has anyone been diagnosed with this, and if so how have you progressed since treatment? Also would like to hear from anyone who has an opinion or anything relevant to share on the topic.
Thanks guys!
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self.Anxiety
|
Why shouldnt i kill myself? I have no one and nothing to live for
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I have so much why am I depressed I'm making this post just to vent mainly. Here's some stuff about me:
I am a mid 20s male. I make good money, enough to save half of it and probably retire early. I have a great girlfriend that is an absolute blessing in my life. I'm decently in shape and used to be a bodybuilder but that kind of slipped away. I'm a smart person, always in the top 15% of whatever academic class. Great parents that support me. It all started going downhill when I went to grad school but realized it was a dead end and started getting depressed. Later I learned that most people get depressed in grad school because it's such a shitty prospect. It has been 1.5 years since I decided to dropout from a PhD and I'm still fucking livid about how shitty it was. Like I can't move my life past it. Now my job is mostly boring and easy but pays way better.
Now here I am 2 years later and still depressed. It's just like I am watching my life fall apart in front of my very eyes unable to do anything about it. But that's the thing, I have it so good that I can't even let my life fall apart. One person told me I couldn't fail if I tried and it's like I'm trying to prove him wrong. It's like I'm trying to fail but I just can't. And I think that contributes to the helpless feeling. At the heart of my depression is just the hopelessness and lack of control that kills me. I want to feel like I'm in some sort of control over my life but it feels like no matter what I do, hard work, lazy, focus on this or that, it just feels like it doesn't matter either way. That takes all of the fun out of life for me. It feels like life turned from a choose-your-own-adventure to a roller coaster ride with a fixed track. No way to get off the ride, just have to take the shit that comes along. I'm slowly giving up all the passions I used to have because I'm either not good enough or I'm worse at stuff than I used to be. I long to be like the 21 year old version of myself. I was so happy then.
But I'm so confused because right now I live with a guy who is fat, eats unhealthy, doesn't have many friends, is annoying, no college degree, never moved out of this area. Just generally a nerd with little social skills. But he seems to be happy. And I'm so confused. How can I have so much more going for me but be miserable? I just want this to end. I want to just be satisfied and happy with my life but I can't find anything that will scratch that itch. I'm just existing and the only thing I'm looking forward to is getting a dog, retiring early, and getting married. Those are pretty cool things, but it just feels like brain is so fucked that I won't be able to enjoy it. I smoke weed (not all the time) to cope and it helps, but really just delays these feelings like I'm having now. Fuck.
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self.depression
|
My psychiatrist won't return my calls and I'm going through withdrawals because of it It's been 6 days and my psychiatrist will not return any of my calls so I can refill my medications. I'm going through seroquel withdrawals. I feel like I'm going to die. I can't sleep and my whole body is twitching. My chest feels so tight. I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. I don't know what to do. I need help so badly, but I don't know where to get it. I need help. I can't function without my medications. I can't do this. I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know why he won't return my calls. It's been 6 days. The pharmacy has tried calling him to refill my prescriptions but they haven't heard back from him. My next appointment with him is in another month. If I can't get my medications until then I seriously think something bad is going to happen. I need help. I really am not coping. This is really bad. I don't know what to do. I'm so desperate. I'd dtry anything at this point.
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self.offmychest
|
Really feeling it today My friend overdosed and I’m really struggling with it. We had plans to hang out soon but I kept changing them just because I have kids and you know how it can be sometimes. He messaged me on last Monday and I never responded just because of work and honestly I was so wrapped up in my own depression that I just didn’t FEEL like talking and joking around as usual.
I know that regardless of what we talked about it probably wouldn’t have changed much but I can’t let go of feeling like complete shit for not responding and for just being so wrapped up in myself.
These feelings just keep coming in waves. I feel okay at one moment but then the next I’m holding back tears because I’m remembering good times together.
I always have depression and it’s always THERE just lingering but the last two days it’s just literally hurt. Like I FEEL it. I feel it in my palms and this heaviness in my chest.
Just going through the motions, I suppose, but I just really needed to shout all this out into the void somewhere.
|
self.depression
|
What I wanted to do vs. what I did What I wanted to do: talk to that girl that I can't stop thinking about before the semester ends and I likely never see her again.
What I did: sat staring at the floor
What I wanted to do: reach out and contact the people I need to get to know in order to help me along towards the career I thought I wanted.
What I did: laid in my bed and looked at my phone
What I wanted to do: study for a few hours for my final tomorrow, go to sleep early and wake up refreshed and in time for breakfast.
What I did: laid in bed and looked at my phone. Set my alarm 3 hours earlier than normal to cram. Fell asleep without brushing my teeth, still in my clothes from that day, now running on 4 hours of sleep.
I feel like I'm paralyzed, like I have all these things I want to do and that will bring me great joy, but I defeat myself before I can start. I wish this cycle would just end.
|
self.depression
|
If you were going to go to an anxiety support group, what items would you want to see? So I run an anxiety support group, and this year we started taking donations. Using those donations I've purchased water bottles, fruit snacks, crackers, and hand sanitizer. Items we already have include a candle, pencil and paper, and reference books.
Imagine yourself going to this meeting, now what would you like to see/have/use that would make you more comfortable during the meeting?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Xbox friends? I'm a 19 year old guy who's pretty awkward lol. I have Ark, Rainbow 6 siege, Warfare, Halo, Smite, and other stuff. Send me a pm on here or Xbox if you're looking for more friends to play games with or need someone to talk to. :) My gamertag is: x2 flippy
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self.depression
|
Depressed because I have no purpose in life. Can't find a purpose in life because I'm depressed. I can't keep a job. I will just give up because I'm so miserable doing unskilled labor when I know I could do so much more if given the opportunity, but those opportunities are gated beyond a college degree.
I can't go back to college. I will just fail again and waste more money. So I'm stuck with a high school diploma doing the kind of jobs that HS graduates are stuck doing. Jobs that make me miserable.
I can't enjoy friendship. I'm so miserable I bring down everyone around me despite the facade of happiness. Everyone i know succeeding at even the smallest things when I'm nearly failing simply keeping myself alive. Their actions invoke a sort of jealous rage of self-hatred and self-doubt. I'm so full of anger that when my friends finally do hangout with me, I'm so negative that it drives them away.
I can't find romance. I have zero spending cash so finding someone in a public place is nigh impossible. I don't even have something like tinder because I don't have a smartphone. Even if I somehow did find someone, I can't really comprehend romance because my Asperger's makes me so rigid and socially awkward that I can't conform to dating standards.
I can't feel love. Despite all the bullshit, knowing that people care about me just makes it all the worse. When my friends try to console me, I wonder why they waste time on someone like me. I cannot comprehend why they like me at all. It would be so much easier if no one cared about me so I could finally just end it without regret.
I can't turn to anyone. My parents are concerned but fail to realize the severity of the situation. They think things would just be better if I got a job at a factory, a job that would put me in even more misery than I'm in right now. My friends care, but they're busy dealing with their own blossoming lives, they can't take care of me while they're working 9-5 jobs and having romantic dinners with their significant others. I can't afford therapy -- my health insurance won't cover it anymore.
It's not as simple as having a positive outlook or looking forward to something. The cycle is simply unending. The depression gnaws at my psyche -- constantly telling myself that I'm not good enough, and that I don't deserve happiness because I'm not good enough, and that lack of happiness continues to eat away at everything.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
A very high relationship..... I know the hurt wont last forever ; but in the moment, as I look around at where I am and how I got here, it knocks the god dammed wind outta me. While in that breathless moment, I feel so broken, Im looking for a place to run but for the first time ever there is no where I want to run ..... Maybe its a good thing, maybe thats whats suppose to happen, maybe this is how I stop running away .... But than again wtf do I know I just ended a 6month+ relationship with a complete stranger, which for some stupid reason I thought would work out, a happy end that kinda crap, so realisticly speaking I dont know a god dammed thing about ..... well anything important ..... Of course Im not lucky enough to lose my own fucking mind at this point, no I live and breathe it everyday every min, every sec, right here, right now.....
W.S.N.T.T
|
self.offmychest
|
Should I fall back again? Made a thread a few months ago. Saying how depressed I was. I jumped out of that hole. Vowing myself not to fall back into it. Came from a month long trip in Europe, learned how to speak german, and did a shit ton of fun stuff. And basically, I didn't feel depressed anymore. I realized there was so much more to life.
Fast forward to December. I'm beginning to fall back into that dark hole. Death of Chester Bennington, Left out and ignored by my whole class, never got decent time in school, neglected by former friends, low grades and some shitty family times. I'm starting to think that I'm meant to die by suicide. And I don't think I'd make it past 2018.
The only things keeping me here are the Grade 6 & 8 students who I watch over in school, and my girl best friend. She doesn't know I'm suicidal. But I hope she can live without me.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Reddit made me stop believing in the good in people [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
feel so stuck This is very hard, I have been living in China now since September and I feel like I cant find anything to do. I literally dying of boredom. I barely had any social or activity since I started to work here, yes its a good pay, but there nothing to do. Its way to hard to find friend or activity to do, there very very few thing made for English speaker as for socializing or activities.
This is boring as hell! I keep getting sleepy and depress all the time.
Although the paid is good here, I feel like I don't want to return back to my home place, for basically the reason that, I wont get near the same salary...
this sucks, EFFIN money...
/cry
|
self.depression
|
Who started to listen to deep music because of depression? You might know some of the channels:
dynmk
the_accidental_poet
FOMH
and so on.
|
self.depression
|
My friends trying to get me to tell my parents What would they do? Talk to me about it? They don’t care about me much anyways what would they do? They only tend to yell at me. Why give them more to yell about
I’m not going to therapy
I’m not going to let them now how sick and desperate I am
I’m not going to let them know how weak I am
I’m not going to let them know how much I’ve lied to them
I won’t let them make this any worse than it already is
They can’t help and why would I want them to know. I don’t need therapy I don’t need to be poisoned by those pills.
|
self.depression
|
Life?? Whats life what do we live for? Whats our purpose? Do we live to work until we die? Or is there an actual meaning? Do you ever feel insane but normal at the same time? Do you ever feel like you want to go home but when your home you dont feel like it? Do you feel lost or unsure of who you are or what your purpose is in life? Do you ever feel like talking to no one being with no one just you and the life you choose to live? Do you feel like anything you do doesnt matter because in the end we all die? Do you feel like you have millions of things going through your head? Do you feel like you could end it all and no one would care because I do..
|
self.depression
|
(Advice needed) I don't know what to do with this guy. I am so lost and need help. So there is this guy that I've been friends with, and he's been flirting with me for a bit. However in the beginning I didn't like him, but as time passed I started to get to know him and start to like him. But I always go through phases or times where I really like him and other moments I don't like him and etc. I don't know what to do since I don't want to lead him on but I am so confused. I am sometimes afraid of if I do get more flirty or intimate with him that later what if I feel those feelings of "not liking him and etc". I guess at times where I question if I really like him I begin to think that I am only liking him for the attention he's giving me since I have depression and have felt lonely for a long time. While other times I look back at moments where I was with him and how I liked him and felt something. So i don't know what to do. I feel so stuck and just unsure of how to handle this.
Edit: Also a part of me feels that I am pushing him away since I am battling with depression and feel sort of like I don't deserve such love or attention (btw I was looking into this online and it seems like people with depression often do that, push people away). I know he could be a really good thing for me, he is outgoing and actually has a social life. Where as I am often doing nothing and trapped in my thoughts and anxiety on my bed. I think he could really help me out and be a good thing for me. But I'm just unsure and confused.
|
self.offmychest
|
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