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I Feel Completely Numb All The Time I just don't feel anything anymore. I feel nub all day everyday and when I don't feel numb I feel weepy and sad. THAT is why I cut, I do it to feel... something! Sure, I can feel things physically, textures and patterns but, nothing REAL! I wish I felt REAL things, I wish I was really living! Some people just don't understand that just because you're alive, doesn't mean you're living...
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self.depression
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His materialism and perspective on money pisses me off [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Can someone help me out? Please read. I’ve been having a bad past few days.. anxiety. Stress.. bad stuff happening.. etc. It would help me so much if you can comment something nice and encouraging for me to see when I wake up. It helps me more than you think.
EDIT : Thank you so so much everyone. I’m really sorry I couldn’t reply until now. This made my day seeing these amazing comments. You’re all amazing and I can’t thank you enough. <3
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self.depression
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Is college just not meant for people with mental illnesses?.. Hi there /r/anxiety, long time no see. Hope everyone has been as well as they can be.
So I mean.. The question I have is pretty straightforward. I have debilitating anxiety which triggers panic attacks basically every time I have to go out/converse with people or even just thinking about having to do that.
I'm 22 and in college. School has been so incredibly difficult for me these past few years. I take xanax for panic attacks and a plethora of other medications for bipolar disorder. While these help with what they're supposed to (i.e. I'm no longer a b-word for no reason and I feel so stoned on xanax that I have no trouble strolling into class), they leave me feeling so, so, sooo incredibly slow with a constant brain fog keeping me from retaining anything.
From missing lectures due to what feels like mini heart attacks paralyzing me on my way to class to not being able to ask for help for fear of others thinking/realizing I am incredibly slow, I just..I feel really helpless. I am unable to ask my professors or peers for help because the only way I can approach them is when I'm using xanax which again, while it makes me feel great and confident, it turns my brain to mush and I can hardly think straight.
I'm failing every class I'm taking this semester so hard. I will lose all of my benefits, including medical insurance that covers my >$500 monthly medication bill and the financial aid that covers a good chunk of my tuition after this semester comes to an end. I don't know what to do. I never intended to drop out, but that's starting to look my only option.
Anyone have any advice for a girl who's out of ideas and completely lost and feeling alone right now? Is college just..not meant for people like us? :\
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self.Anxiety
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I’m such a boring and uninteresting person I’m such a boring person because of this depression. I’ve lost interest in all of my hobbies and I don’t enjoy talking to people anymore. I made a new friend and she asked me “what’s something about you that’s interesting or cool?” And I had no answer. I couldn’t think of anything about me that’s more than sitting at home watching Netflix and eating
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self.depression
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I have no passion and i feel like there is no purpose to my life. Currently I'm a sophomore in high school I don't know what career I want to pursue since I don't like anything I have no real friends can't even talk to a girl or guy I find attractive becuase of my crippling social anxiety my family is wonderful people but they are very traditional and believe anxiety and depression are just ploys used by doctors to make money off of people the only thing that makes me feel better is to cuddle my dog and listen to music so loud it drowns out the rest of the world. If you read this thanks it comforts me a bit to put my feelings into words and share them.
Edit: thanks for the kind words I really do appreciate it I am feeling better today I just had to vent yesterday because i felt like I was gonna explode.
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self.depression
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Depression doesn’t take a day off It’s Christmas, I have a wonderful fiancé, a caring family, a roof over my head and presents under the tree. So why can’t this depression just fuck off?
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self.bipolar
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What to expect if my girlfriend goes to the e.r? Okay, here is the situation: I'm in a different country on a holiday family visit, but I am going back tomorrow. My girlfriend had been acting off for a good two weeks, but it was manageable.
About a day ago things took a turn for the worst. A family member of hers unexpectedly died, and it completely messed up her mental health. She seems to want to hurt herself, her skin is crawling, and I believe she just wants it to stop. Her brother is going up there to monitor her while I'm gone, and there's talks of getting her either to the E.R or the clinic. She is not on medication, and she says that this reaction is not grief because she knows what grief is.
As someone who loves this person very much, this is very scary and uncharted territory for me. She has never gone to the hospital, and is the kind of person to avoid going to doctors as much as possible. If she goes to the hospital with suicidal thoughts, what are we to expect? Will I be able to visit her and stay with her once I arrive? Is it possible she'll be admitted to a psych ward and am I able to visit her there? Will she instantly be given medication?
I know that there is probably no way to tell with accuracy what will happen, but I am scared and anxious. I know that 'Google is your friend' but for whatever reason the answers I am given don't seem like enough. I hope that some of you can share your experiences so I feel like I am at least doing SOMETHING while I'm just waiting to get on the fucking plane.
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self.bipolar
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I don’t know who to talk to Kinda stuck in a dilemma right now. On one hand I really want to share my feelings with my close ones, but on the other hand I am really scared that my depressive thoughts are going to worry them, or even scare them away. Plus they also got stuff to worry about, so maybe I should just man up and deal with it alone.
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self.depression
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Have a job interview, feel miserable and useless. Sorry for the rant. I'm 22 and unemployed, have no qualifications and somehow I have an interview at a relatively new small company. This would be my first real job. Had a phone interview, now I have a face to face since the guy enjoyed our conversation so much.
I feel worthless, the interviewer told me his story and how he went to one of the top universities in the country, had a successful career and now works there.
I cannot compete or even relate to any of that, I live in poverty, I'm from a broken single parent home, have a mentally ill mother and was beaten excessively and starved as a child. I'm a short man and feel like everyone has power over me to determine my outcome in life. I feel worthless, I've achieved nothing successful in my life yet I've been offered the opportunity to get something above my level. I don't even see the point in going, as I know even if I was offered the job, I would fail at the work and be laughed at by people better than me. What's even the point?
I need advice on if I should go or not, but I just feel like I should work a job at McDonalds or H&M. I don't even own a suit, dress pants or dress shoes so I can look nice for the interview and I'm too poor to afford any of those. I wrote up answers to questions they may ask for the phone interview and have been doing it for the face to face... but I don't know why. I'm useless and a failure. That's the reality. I talk a big game on the outside, but deep down I know I'm not worth shit and never will be worth shit. I want to get medication and help, but I feel like I don't deserve it, I want to be happy, but I feel like I don't deserve it.
I feel fake even pretending and I have no friends. The only thing I care about is music and I can't pursue that because I have no income, I only wanted this job so I could pursue my passion and hobbies, but the company wants dedicated people to help grow it, which I'm not, but of course I had to lie and say I was.
Not only that, but my mother is getting evicted in a couple of weeks and I'll be homeless. Maybe if I was from a decent household I would be happy to achieve something, but I'm a drain on society and will become one of the people nobody cares about in the coming weeks.
Fuck it all.
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self.depression
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Every girl has a boyfriend Isn't that such a fucking dumb thing to be depressed over? Every single one has a fucking boyfriend, like, every last girl I meet. Honestly, I wanna fuckin castrate myself, because I'm starting to realise I have absolutely no chance of escaping being single. How the fuck could I, single women don't exist where I am. At best I'll escape after college, but I'd rather kill my sex drive (castration) or myself than wait until I'm 27 or something.
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self.depression
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Tonight I beat the depression and urge to end it. If you feel this way ever please remember people care. Maybe not the ones you want to care, but, people do.
Please don't become a statistic. Please don't add to the stigma. Stay strong. Be stronger than you think you are. I love you all.
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self.bipolar
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I feel crushingly empty There's no point to anything. It's all fake.
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self.depression
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A thought
As someone who nearly killed himself 3 months ago and got help, nothing helped me more than just talking about something else.
I wanted nothing more than to talk about something other than what was going on, to not feel like anything was wrong or that, well, I was about to kill myself. It was like i needed a distraction.
Some people need to talk about their feelings and what made them feel suicidal. Some don't. I get that. It's hard to predict what someone is thinking.
tl;dr Just some thoughts I've had recently.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Struggling to find a reason to keep going Hey there. I've never done something like this, but I'm at a breaking point, and I am struggling to find a reason to keep going. I cannot find any joy in anything and struggle to see a future where I'll ever be happy as it seems like most of my life has just been misery, where the good times were just getting by, and my existence is to be alone.
I just don't understand why I can't connect with people. I try to message people or talk to people, to socialise and organise actually having human contact and its just failure. Am I that uninteresting, repulsive or just not worth the effort? How do you get by or make things okay if everyone you know just wants to keep you at arms length?
How do I keep going?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Need a bit of help please :) Writing this kills me purely because I hate talking about this stuff because I feel like a pussy and not a man. I have no one to talk to.
Hoping someone has experienced anything similar. 17, go to college, have a part time job (I hate) which means I work all Saturday and Sunday - miss out on weekends. I know my girlfriend of nearly 3 years (on/off) flirts with other guys all the time and it kills me. Even though I know I should leave her because I don't love her I can't as I'm so insecure and I think she's the best I can get (I know it's wrong). I physically can't make my words out when I try to talk to people and when I respond they pull weird faces. Something has not been right with my head recently I have been slow and take a couple seconds to reply to people. I think I need to smoke less weed. I used to have alright friends however they are slowly starting to dislike me and I haven't seen any of them for a while because they've distanced themselves from me. Earlier this year I did something I regret and can't get over. I have cleanliness OCD and live in a shit hole without a shower. I wake up thinking why am I in this relationship (have been thinking that since 6 months in) but I can't leave. On a break a random girl I spoke to for a week wanted me to come to her house but I didn't. I feel like this would have got me over my loveless relationship but I started talking to my ex again so didn't go.
Sorry for long post - typed quick. Hate my life man and am depressed but I'm not an attention seeker I can deal with it. I am kinda scared I'll be a messed up adult though.
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self.SuicideWatch
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A cry for help. My best friend left me. Then, I got depression. Then, I screwed up a hugely expensive trip. Then my boyfriend left me. Then two of my ideas were hated. And now my new best friend left me too.
I can't handle this anymore, I genuinely don't enjoy my life.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I hooked up with a random dude on Craigslist and I'm not gay. I'm a senior in high school I play football and I am popular. I haven't lost my virginity due to low self esteem and I jerk off to much. I got so horny I set up a dude to come over off Craigslist and we had sex. I enjoyed it in the moment now I have extreme regret because I know I'm not gay.
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self.offmychest
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Can someone please explain the suicidal urges I can't tell if mine is real or my suicide-OCD? It is like urge and cause me severe anxiety please tell me what is this? I am shaking I can't eat.
So this morning I was half awake and some weird feelings appeared. I suddenly asked myself 'Do I want to die?' And immediate violent answer Yes. And like an urge in the stomach and like I really wanted it and a knot in the stomach appeared and everything felt darker. It is terrifying. It feels like I want to and the anxiety is because I resist it.
The scariest thing is that it feels like an urge. It is terrifying. It lasts for the whole day now. I am now my bed tried to calm myself. Tried to fell asleep, I calmed a bit then those thoughts feel like bombarding me 'I want to do it. Etc' and it felt like an urge. I can't tell if this is me or the OCD. The knot in the stomach is still there.
My mother went to my bed and wake me up while hugging me. When this happened the thoughts got more intense and the knot in the stomach too.
Also a feeling like 'I am feeling anxious because I want it' and it makes it even worse and can't tell if it is anxiety.
If you have questions for me to determine wether I am actually suicidal and in danger please, please ask them. Fuck as i was writing this i got this feeling like 'I hate my life I am not in danger I just want it' jesus what is happening. What if i get so overwhelmed and this terrifying feeling wins?
I just imagined going to a psych and he telling me this is ocd and instant feeling like 'it doesn't matter i fucking want to do it came' fuck
Now I get a feeling like no one will believe that I may be actually suicidal, and reasure me that it is ocd and i wi do it fuck
I never wished not being born, not existing etc. But maybe it is actual active suicidality
And like a hate to the world(I don't know why?) Like a weird feeling, I can't even describe it. Jesus what is happening to me?! Suicidal depression? Personality suicidal?
And now I feel like I didn't wanted it or maybe I did and now I just can't recall the feeling. Fuuuuuuuuuck.
**WHY IT DOES FEEL THAT I WANT IT AND I HAVE ANXIETY BECAUSE I RESIST IT IT IS TERRIFYING. OR OTHER I FEEL ANXIETY BECAUSE I AM ALIVE AND WANT IT.?!**
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self.SuicideWatch
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The job switch I am a closet anxiety sufferer. Right now I am in the middle of a (probable) job switch. The tension is awful. I feel like bursting into tears constantly (I'm a grown man with children, generally this behavior is frowned upon).
I'm just having trouble 'accepting' what has happened. The logical part of my brain says 'be happy idiot' you just won the lotto. The 'emotional' part of my brain says you are leaving an awesome job where you were treated well and had awesome work life balance.
But the reality is much more nuanced. My old job had become stale. I was not able to advance. My job options had become limited. The group I was looking to join was definitely sub-par as far as the company was concerned and had TONS of red flags.
My new job is the job I have been working towards over the last 4 years of so. I am joining a new exciting company. They have cool things like video games, flexible schedule and REALLY cool work to do, which I will be in the middle of (the most important point--i was bored at my old job--I am a very techincal, hands on person, but being a lazy idiot was really nice).
I talked to my therapist about all of this--I made my decision (actually done it twice). Waffled, can't decide and now the 'die is cast' and fear kicks in. (AND WHAT IF THEY COUNTER--actually its not that, I know in my heart that its a done deal--just the million what ifs. What if my boss sucks. What if its a slave shop. What if I end up hating it. What if I can't get to therapy/nutrition. What if my daughter needs me and now I'm across town)
I'm a mess and I just needed my inner turmoil out in a space that I can be anonymous. Wife and kids are nor help--and being a good anxious/depressed person I have few friends and non I can really speak to about this.
Its so bad I worry about my background check. I am sure that my name on the board in 6th grade will cause issues (only slightly joking).
But also sometimes it just good to be 'out' and have it on paper (e-paper even).
Apologies for a bit of a dump, but maybe someone will read and say 'I have that' and know--I'm with ya hiding behind a smile at work. I look fine and inside the dam is about to burst.
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self.Anxiety
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How does anxiety manifest Someone very close to me has anxiety. I have read up on what anxiety is but it is the text book version of what anxiety is. But what I am yet to understand how anxiety manifest in actions and behaviours
Thank you
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self.Anxiety
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I can't I don't feel any happiness. I never have. I've decided my time is coming. I tried to talk to my husband earlier and he told me to leave him alone and go to bed. I can't do this anymore. I just wish I could let him know that I'm sorry without it seeming like I'm forcing it. I wish he would understand it is not his fault though. It's all me.
Goodbye... I hope he never finds this.
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self.SuicideWatch
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DAE have problems w daylight savings? I stopped sleeping, really, which sets off my whole rapid cycling thing. Season changes are the worst!
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self.bipolar
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Constantly feel like shit and I don't know if it's my fault. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Bought my ex girlfriend a nintendo switch When we broke up she felt entitled to the car, the dog, the apartment(all things I paid for) and of course our nintendo switch. I let them go without much of a fight since I was so fucked up over everything at the time, but I asked for the switch so that I might have something to occupy myself with. She agreed on the grounds I buy her a replacment when I could afford to.
It's been 7 months now and she keeps asking me for the console. I haven't been doing too well financially and with christmas funds are even tighter. But I put aside just enough money to get her the replacment used off Craigslist.
I delivered it to her today and I even bought a game with it. She was reasonably kind in person, as kind as an ex can be I guess. but when I got home and checked my phone she had texted me complaining that the console wasn't new and that the controllers didn't match the serial number on the box. She called me deceitful, and even went so far as to send me screenshots of her new boyfriend's texts saying what a piece of shit I am.
I'm really hurt right now. I allready felt like a weakling pushover buying her a 500$ console when she took my 4800$ car and never gave me anything for it, but now I'm out even more money and still I'm being punished for it not being good enough. I feel so worthless right now. Part of me wishes I just bought her a new console, so I didn't have to be dumped on. Another part of me says I should have just told her to screw off and not even bothered with it.
As it is right now I just want her to stop sending such hurtful messages.
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self.offmychest
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I am so much more than the holes and the flaws in me. Im trying to teach myself to love myself.
This is my manta.
I am so much more than the holes and the flaws in me.
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self.offmychest
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I've accepted I'm going to forever be someone who nobody cares about and someone who just coasts through life You can say I have a defeatist attitude or that is the depression talking but that is honestly how I feel. I try putting myself out there but nobody really gravitates towards me and I can't really find any fulfilment in my life. I know there are many people on this planet that feel the same way and it really makes me sad. That most of us will just be getting by finding pockets of happiness along the way if we are lucky.
Job, a girl, self-esteem, confidence, an active social life, to have a meaningful connection with someone... all of these seem so far away abd unobtainable. The more I think about it the more this pain in my chest builds up and just eats away at me. When you are fully aware how much of a loser you are and that you have no talent or reedeming qualities it's just too painful. I wish I had the courage to just end everything :(
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self.depression
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I still want to die Nothing will get better, even though people say so. Im still tired of living. Everyone says they care but they only do when you say youre going to kill yourself. Nobody even wants to be my friend. I hope the propane tank is still there.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I hate it when bad people get rewarded One of the facts that depresses me most about life is when bad people get rewarded and live comfortably, and loved by all.
It's hard for me to stomach.
For example, I saw one of my former bullies enter the store I work at. She was absolutely terrible toward me when we were in high school, such as defacing my sketchbook, purposefully kicking my food away, sending me fake "love letters", and more. Anyway, the bully now had two children (I'm having trouble conceiving so that stings), and I think the bully could smell my fear because she headed right to my counter, and began to make a show of how expensive everything was in our store while also "catching up" by telling me about how successful she is with her self made interior design business.
When I got home that night, I looked her up on Facebook, and...she does have a much better life than mine. In every way. I feel angry that she seemed to have a great one while I've...struggled.
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self.depression
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I don't know where to begin. I need to change my life.. or end it. [deleted]
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self.depression
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My dogs have been stolen by a vindictive ex, and I am dying inside (My story and a medical question). I’m actually going to split this post into 2 parts. Scroll to the bottom for a medical question related to treatment. The rest, is my story.
I’m writing because I have been battling with depression for quite some time, but events of the past 2 or so years have pushed me to near breaking point.
Before those events, I was controlling my symptoms with anti-depressants, and I’d tried them all. Many times I felt like I was “cured” and so went off them, or cut my dosage back. I wasn’t even always trying to cure “depression”. I had what I’d term “brain fog”. I’m sure many here can relate to that. Just an inability to concentrate, think straight, and even form coherent sentences sometimes. That’s what I was REALLY trying to fix, and I never did manage to do it.
But in February 2016, I spit up with my partner of 10 years. Believe it or not, that was fine. We were done, and it ended on what I thought were ok terms. We promised to try and stay friends. It’s what happened next that started me down this path.
1. A week after we split, she tricked me into signing my half of the lease over to her (I didn’t think it mattered. She wanted to stay there, and I planned to move out when I found a place. We weren’t fighting). Then a few days later, as I was heading to my home town (in another state) to attend my best friends wedding, and see my mother who had breast cancer, she took my house keys and told me not to come back.
We’d only lived in Sydney for a short time (I moved here to support her when she was offered her “dream job”), so this left me basically homeless, with no friends for support. I also had no money and she had essentially trapped me a thousand miles away, with no way to get back, and nowhere to stay if I did.
On that trip, my Mum nearly died. I reached out to my ex or compassion and got none. She threatened to take my dogs, held my phone to ransom since it was in her name and could turn it off. She demanded my icloud password so she could reset the ipad and take it, and until I did, she had my number blocked. That’s the tip of the iceberg.
Despite all of this, I somehow managed to talk her down from acting this way, and we managed to salvage a working relationship for the sake of sharing our dogs, and that relationship even was blossoming into a tentative friendship. We were helping each other get back on our feet.
I was still very angry on the inside for what she’d done, and was for a time living in a hostel, with very little access to my dogs who I rescued a few years earlier – my heart. But by June, I had a home, and was seeing my dogs half the time, as per our agreement.
2. Then in June, she reneged on that agreement, and I haven’t seen my dogs since. 18 months and counting. I later found out that on March 1st, the day my mother was admitted to intensive care and nearly passed, my ex had gone into the local council and re-registered both of the dogs in her name. She used a loophole in the law (which you can read about here: https://www.change.org/p/link ) to pretend the dogs were hers, and used desexing papers which didn’t even show her name as “proof of ownership”. A combination of Fraud by her, and negligence by the council (They didn’t follow procedures and performed none of the required checks), allowed her to claim the dogs as her own as if I had never existed.
When I protested and demanded my dogs back (Shared, 50/50), she attempted to take out an AVO (restraining order) against me, which I easily defeated as there was nothing to it. Her complaint was that I “emailed her too much” (10 times in 7 days) and called it harassment. The judge laughed it off, but not before I spent $4000 defending it.
Her goal was clear as day. To cost me that money so I couldn’t follow through with the legal threats I was making, and to make me seem like a lunatic in divorce court.
I’ve since been doing everything I can to get my dogs back, from hiring lawyers, to mediation. (The last mediation, she laughed at me and told me there was nothing I could do). If you have a few minutes, you can watch a video about them here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQ7QScjUOOg. You’ll see just how much I love these pups.
At one point she was “willing to give me one dog” (because she knows she committed fraud and could lose them both because of it), and to decide, she wanted to draw names out of a hat. Those dogs are bonded. They’re best friends, and separating them would hurt them. Any time they have been in the past, they’ve been anxious and depressed. I can’t let her do that to them. Or me.
I’m out of money, I can’t concentrate, I can’t work to my full potential. I am a freelance photographer and instead of thinking up portfolio ideas, marketing, or honing my craft, I’ve spent the better part of 18 months (Since I last saw the dogs) in despair, in front of the computer trying to find ways to get them back.
I’m close to being able to file in court. I just need money. But more than that, I need energy. The amount of paperwork and law I am buried in (currently representing myself due to finances) is so overwhelming. I just can’t. One day every few weeks I find some strength. But that’s it.
So that’s my story, which brings me to the other reason I am here today. The Medical Question:
----
Back when this all started, my doctor prescribed me Valium (Diazepam). I didn’t ask for it. I just was off the charts with anxiety (Still am). I didn’t take it for literally 6 months, but then one day, I just had to. So I did. And it helped. It calmed my mind, and allowed me to get things done that day, and sleep well that night.
Still, I didn’t take them often. Usually half a pill if I REALLY needed them.
In addition, over the past 2-3 months, I have been slowly cutting back on my Paroxetine prescription (It was 40mg). I am now down to half a pill a day, and soon hope to be done with it completely.
Initially my goal was to try to switch to something that might help me more. Plus, Paroxetine was having some sexual side effects. I was having trouble…. Finishing. I hadn’t cum with a girl in over a year. It’s a known side effect of Paroxetine, and I was tired of it. Plus, god knows what else it was doing.
I don’t think I could have coped with everything I just told you without some help, but now I want to see if I can do it without the meds.
But now, back to the Valium. I don’t know if I have depression so much as anxiety, because the Valium seems to help me a lot more than the depression meds ever did.
As a result, in the past 2 or so days I’ve started using it almost daily. But I don’t want to do that. I don’t feel addicted, but I have noticed some issues this past week.
On New Years Eve day, I woke up just depressed and despondent. Lost. About to head into another year without my dogs.
I went to the kitchen, and immediately one of my housemates “joked” – “Good afternoon” (It was 12:15pm. I’d been in my room reading). It annoyed me more than it should have but I brushed it off. They were all at the counter eating lunch.
I had a shower, and quickly got dressed. When I came out they were all cleaning the house for a small NYE gathering we were having. I joined in, and began cleaning, but I also boiled a pot of water to cook some spaghetti (Angel Hair pasta which takes 2 mins to cook actually). The same housemate made a “joke”, but it was so passive aggressive this time. “Are you cooking that pasta for us since we’re all cleaning?”
I’d been up 2 minutes, hadn’t had a thing to eat, and wanted to put some food inside me before finishing my share of the housework. I’d just witnessed them eat before starting but now here she was making it sound like I was goofing off, and leaving it to them. This is to say nothing of the fact that most of the mess we were cleaning was hers, and it was HER party we were cleaning it for.
I said “Well I was actually going to offer some around, but I don’t think I will now.” She said “it was a joke”, but I didn’t accept that because I know it was more than good natured ribbing. It escalated, and the end result was that I lashed out far more than I should have. I had reason to defend myself, but not to yell like I did. They threatened to go to a different house that night without me, but in the end they didn’t. I spent New Years Eve alone in my room, and haven’t spoken to them since – partly because I’m angry at the way they treated me (with reason), partly because they haven’t apologized for their part in it, nor me for mine.
But the reason I’m telling you this is that it’s out of character for me. I lashed out over a very small thing, but I know it was really about my dogs and where my life is at because of them.
And I am trying to figure out if it’s my meds. The lack of an antidepressant, too much Valium, or a come down from Valium (I hadn’t had one for 2 days).
I haven’t had one today either, and I am so so angry right now. Like, I want to join a fight club. I feel like everyone is against me, no one loves me, and there’s no justice in the world.
Besides fighting a vicious Ex, I am fighting the negligent council (Way too long to explain right now) who know they fucked up, but will not admit it until I sue them – calling my bluff essentially. My world is full of assholes, and they all deserve to be kicked in the head. And I am NOT a violent person. I’m not. I’ve never hit anyone except in self defense.
I’m not suicidal, because I just am not that guy. But I would love to sleep this off and just dream some happy dreams somehow.
I don’t know what to do. Please help.
---
Also, on a related medical note, a friend of mine recently gave me some Modafinal. For those who are not aware, it’s for treating sleep disorders, but it’s used off label like ADHD meds for improving concentration, memory, alertness, and has even been shown to improve sexual performance, and overall well being. And it’s supposed to have no side effects. (Google it).
After one pill (Not sure if it was 100, 200, or 400mg), I can speak to the fact that it did all of that. I actually kissed a supermodel that night. Not a metaphor. Not joking. Quite proud. :)
I managed to get another small 100mg prescription, and while the effects were more mild, it did more for my “brain fog” and mood than anything else I’ve ever tried.
Does anyone have anything to add to that? Am I right or was it all in my head?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Zopiclone Is anyone else addicted to zopiclone and/or having bizarre, illogical and episodes of rage very similar to being black out drunk? (Alcohol has never made me this way, in fact this is the first time in my life that a substance has made me this way and it's scaring me. But I can't stop taking it)
I take 7.5x2 at a time, sometimes exceeding 45mg a night.
I would check myself in, but it has never gone well. I lose it. I feel like I'm a prisoner and the fear drives what I can only call a delusional "prisoner of war" mentality and the boredom makes me literally start bashing my head against a wall until sedated.
I have holed myself up in my room now since friday eating small meals and working out the best (for me) method of suicide.
Helium with bags and seal.
Suicide by cop
Taking an uber to the train bridge and jumping off into the icy water hopefully hitting a rock
over dosing on street fentanyl
going to a shooting range and waiting until the range officer is distracted and then eating it.
It's constant. My gf was driving on the Henday (100km freeway) and I was fighting the urge to leap out of the car.
The zopiclone is the only good thing I have. It's the only thing that makes me calm enough to just lay here or sleep. I cry when the netflix show is over because the constant ringing in my ears is back and the heavy compulsion to catch the bus returns.
I live with her and her brother and I won't look them in the eye nor do I want to burden them with this.
The thought of being in a locked psych ward is unbearable and the thought of being strapped down to a bed for days at a time deeply medicated (the meds cause intense cramping) is a horrible memory hence my desire for suicide by cop. It is a large deterrent to calling for help.
If believe in god. Pray that he stops my heart. I don't deserve to suffer like this.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Would you guys trade sleep for no anxiety? You'd get around 5 hours of what feels like light sleep as a trade off. Always. Because you're in a light phase, you'll always wake up instantly to your alarm or when your 5 hours is up. In return you get little to no anxiety.
Consider how important sleep is though. Memory consolidation, 'body and mind reboot'...
Also consider how detrimental anxiety is to work, talking (stutter), functioning.
Stuck with this delimma. That's what I'm contemplating whether I should take this med for the trade off.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I feel worthless... I don't know what I should call this. Venting? A rant? Just rambling?! Either way, I feel like shit and I don't know how to handle it anymore!
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety about a year ago, but I'm sure that it's been going on for at least 3 years. I'm on my third type of antidepressant and I've trippled the amount of sleeping-aid since I started taking it, since I have trouble falling asleep and often wake up a lot at night and in the early mornings.
I also started upper secondary school this year, and let me tell you how fucking shit it's going! I have over 140 absences and I've failed 2 out of 25 courses, plus I'm probably going to have to stay another extra half year since I don't have the will or strength to actually finnish 75 courses in 3 years...
But that's kind of irrelevant, it will take as long as it takes but holy hell I will step out of those doors with a diploma! What I actually wanted to talk about is how this last half year/year has been a hell on earth. You see, I'm a writer. Writing stories has been a thing for me ever since I learned how to read and write. I've always loved reading my stories to people and almost everyone that have read them tell me that I have a way with words like no one else and that I should become an author. Now you see, these last months I kind of just stopped... Actually this past year. I stopped writing my stories, I started thinking, I started hitting backspace, I stopped picking up those drafts, I stopped expressing myself...
The new games and all of the endless scrolling on social media distracted me for half a year but now, I don't even find any happiness in that. Every day seems so dull and I'm honestly thinking about just ending it all.
But I can't!!
I still have my family who would be devestated if I left. Friends that would feel an empty space in their lives. My relatives who would look at that cup with my name on it during the holidays, only to with a sigh put it back at the bottom of the box, alone. My dog who would wonder where I went and if I was ever going to come home. No, I can't leve them... Because of that and the fact that I've given a promise that I can't break, absolutely not! The book. My book. The book with my name on it and with my words inside of it. A piece of me to share with the world. And I haven't written that yet, but I will. Maybe not right now, maybe not next week, but sometime. And when that's done I can leave, because then I will have forfilled my promise, and only then can I rest in peace, knowing that I achived my goal and that I left something behind for my loved ones. Only then...
|
self.depression
|
I hate being a woman, but I don't want to be a man. [NAW] I am so sick of being considered weak and inferior because I'm a woman. I want the same privileges that men have, but I don't want to be a man. I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to absolutely hate men. Everything about them sickens me and pisses me off. I am sick of how they get everything handed to them socially and biologically, while I have to go through hell for scraps because I'm a woman. Then, these swine mock me, rub their privileges in my face, and treat me like shit.
|
self.offmychest
|
Doxepin? Seems like I'm the only one taking it for BP. Anyone have any experiences? Only bad thing I've noticed is I've had some bad insomnia which is apparently not a listed side effect. Apparently it's supposed to cause drowsiness so my doc thinks I'm nuts.
|
self.bipolar
|
Help!! One Month on Lexapro - Want to QUIT! Need advice! Hi Everyone, Happy Valentines!
I am sick in bed today, due to lexapro. So here's my story: (it's long)
I started Lexapro about a month ago when I was two months into a horrible mental breakdown. Through therapy I have learned that I held everything traumatic that has ever happened to me internally and at the end of 2017 when more traumatic events happened my mind and body literally couldn't take it and I broke. I have always suffered with manageable anxiety, taking an ativan here and there. I self medicated for years with caffeine as it made me feel great! Then I had the bright idea to quit drinking caffeine and coffee mid 2017 due to a sensitive stomach (ulcers), and thinking it would make my anxiety better. In fact it had the absolute opposite effect. I think my brain was so used to extra serotonin and coupled with the amount of stress I was putting on myself, I was a disaster waiting to happen. Fast forward to Thanksgiving where I has my worst panic attack to date and for weeks after that my body just broke down and I was having panic attacks around the clock and couldn't even get out of bed. This turned into an ED as I have emetophobia as my panic attacks surround my fear of getting sick. Before I knew it I lost over 10 pounds (I am tiny as is) and was pretty much anorexic, terrified to eat. Let me tell you, a starved brain is a terrifying brain! Couple that with anxiety- I'm surprised I made it thought. Finally after family pressure and realizing I needed serious help I got help from a psychiatrist who suggested Lexapro.
So I started Lexapro about a month ago in mid January. I am super sensitive to medication (like only take one tylenol and that's too much) so my Dr. suggested I start on 2.5mg. It was hard working myself up to taking it, but I finally relented as at the time it was when my ED was really scary and I knew if I didn't get better I would either have to hospitalized or go to a treatment center, both I didn't want to do so I pushed myself to start. I stayed on the 2.5 for over two weeks. It is really hard for me to say if I felt anything from the medication during that time as thats when I was re-feeding myself and so many changes where happening to my mind and body. So who knows if the dizziness and nausea were from the med, or from forcing myself to eat more. I'm really proud of myself and gained most of my lost weight back and enjoy food and eat really well now. Again, do I attribute that to the med or sheer will power I don't know?
So I finally felt ready to increase my dose to 5mg last week and at first just felt kind off 'off' and 'high' like I wasn't really apart of the world. Some headaches, minor nausea, but would feel better after eating. Still felt emotions, but just detached a bit. I am normally super bubbly and outgoing and creative (am a writer) and didn't really feel motivated to write or be in the moment with people. Would kind of have to force myself. While I did feel calmer and less anxiety, it was still definitely there. Like when I would go for walks and get out of my safe zone, I still felt a lot of anxiety come up, just as much as before the med. But I kept pushing, telling myself I just have to get used to the medication.
Then came Monday night. Nothing out of the ordinary food wise, or that I did during the day. But from the moment I took that 5mg pill my stomach churned. I take it around 8:30pm. I woke up in the middle of the night HORRIBLY sick and it continued all throughout Tuesday. Couldn't keep anything in. Couldn't get out of bed. I finally fell asleep and slept through my next dose and here I am now.
My Dr. advised me to taper to 2.5mg for 5 days if I want to quit. However, I am STILL feeling sick and just want this poison out of my body. I feel much better today, but still gross.
I really thought I was making steady progress. But it's so hard for me to tell if the med had anything to do with it considering I was in such a malnourished state before. I am so proud of how far I've come and never want to go back. So part of me is terrified, what if the med really helped, and I quit and go back to that place? But I also cannot cannot tolerate that medication on that dose. I am just not strong enough.
I just want to quit cold turkey and get this medication out of my system. I emailed my doc, but she hasn't gotten back to me yet. I mean, really, I took the 5mg for a week. Will I have a hard time getting off of it? I just can't fathom putting another pill in my body. Plus, I doubt the medication even got to stable levels to do anything!
I really want to look into natural supplements, like amino acids, vitamins, CBD, tryptophan. Exercise, mediation, therapy. I'm not sure my body can handle pharmaceuticals.
I'm really at a loss of what to do. I've made SO much progress! Anyone quit lexapro after a short time? And felt better?? Anyone! :)
|
self.Anxiety
|
It's my lowest point and I got no one to talk to [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I just got involved in an accident an hour ago and I know its my fault. Nobody got hurt. But I ruined a lot of people’s new year and that kills me inside.
|
self.offmychest
|
i just want a someone to talk about everything with the title says it all. after a night of going out and fun, i get home and relapse for the first time in a year. but it feels good, almost a welcoming feeling. i forgot how nice it is to be alone. but damn i wish i could have someone to talk to wherever, whenever.
|
self.depression
|
*possibly* Hypomanic rant...just wondering if anyone can relate. Feeling alone. Context: Got diagnosed bipolar 2 about 3 weeks ago (thinking could also be Borderline but am going to talk to him about it later this week). Pdoc put me on Lamotrigine. Just titrated up to the next dose 2 days ago. When I started it, it threw me into an extremely irritable hypomania. NOT looking for medical advice, just wanting to know if people can relate because I honestly feel really lost right now.
Rant/stream of consciousness: I am ANGRY. So angry. I told my SO that I was angry today and he asked "why?" like it was a shock. He knows everything going on so I don't know why the fuck he asks dumb questions. He doesn't get it. He'll never get it.
I have a lot of energy, but you wouldn't know it looking at me. I'm sitting still at a computer chair typing this, but I feel like I'm going to explode. I want so badly to buy a plane ticket and just go somewhere else, anywhere but here. I hate being here, even though to outsiders my life seems pretty good. No one would know just by looking at me that I am a MESS inside all the time. That I hate myself and my life.
Sometimes I think I'm faking. I expected the pdoc to diagnose me as bp2, so maybe I told him what I needed to say to get that diagnosis. Maybe I've manipulated the situation and this whole thing is contrived and if I just got my shit together I wouldn't feel so shitty/depressed all. the. fucking. time. I don't really remember the last time I was happy. But you wouldn't know it by looking at me because I'm high functioning. I can paste a smile on with the best of 'em. What a shitshow.
I feel like I'm on the edge of something. Like I'm barely holding it together. Like I could break at any point. It makes me nervous, but at the same time would be welcomed because I'm SO GOOD at holding things in, but it's getting harder and harder and I just want to let it all go. Part of the reason I finally asked for help in the first place. I am tired of not knowing who I'm going to be when I wake up. I feel like I've completely lost my sense of self and I'm slowly swirling down into a black hole inside my head. I'm afraid for my job and my relationships.
I could go on and on, but I'll stop here.
|
self.bipolar
|
I'm Tired I'm not physically tired at all, I don't feel like going to sleep, I just don't want to do anything. I'm really just tired of living and doing things in general, I don't want to kill myself or even want to die, I'm just kind of done with life. I feel kind of sad and I feel like I want to cry but I can't cry. I'm not really sure what I want anymore, I hope I get better though.
|
self.depression
|
I hate myself and I feel like there is nothing I can do to change it. I’m 19 years old. And if you where to meet me in real life, you would probably hate me just by looking at me. I’m the typical “popular” kid. Born with rich parents, surrounded by undeserved compliments and presents. A life full of, luxury and expensive things...but most importantly fake personalities.
I feel like I have adopted a predetermined identity to fit and survive the context I was born with. And it’s slowly killing my well-being inch by inch. On a daily basis I need to care about unimportant bullshit, pretend to pray to fake gods, and smile to people who the world would be better of with.
And now that I’m in college. This feeling has gone much worse. I had to sacrifice a career in psychology to work in my father’s business. I’m surrounded by people which reflect this identity. I thought I could handle it, but I was wrong.
I feel like there is no escape, like I’m doom to pretend to be this person and play this stupid games.
And I know this may sound to you as a rich teen complaining about stupid nonsense. You’re right, and that’s one of the reasons I hate myself, I have no real problems, everything about me is not real. The fact that my suffering is an illusion makes me suffer. The fact that there are innocent children with probably much more potential than me going through nothing but pain, while I have everything for doing nothing makes me want to kill myself.
I no longer have a will to live, when I wake up, the only thing I look up to is to sleep because is the closest thing to being dead that there is. And I feel I will never be happy again.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
How am I supposed to act around someone who attempted suicide twice? A good friend of mine has attempted suicide twice in one week by now, both through overdosing.
I'm having trouble with how to handle this. Yesterday we were making plans to do something to get her mind to something else. This morning I got a call that she tried it again. Last time I managed to get to work, but today I just was looking for other things to take my mind of the news.
I'm rather level-headed, but twice in a week is tough as hell. Last week I told one of my friends about the situation, she was supportive about it. Today I reached out to my old study group, while not mentioning who it was. I'm lucky that they are quite supportive, asking often how I'm doing in this situation.
Thing is, I can't shake the feeling of being sad that easily. I understand she did both actions in an attempt to make her boyfriend keep her, it actually did the opposite. I just can't wrap my head around how she came up with the idea in the first place.
It doesn't help either that I can't talk about it at our mutual club. Only the chairman knows what is going on, while the members are wondering what is going on. I get asked about it and I play it off as that she is sick.
How should I handle myself around someone who is prone to suicide? I'm pretty sure if I get a call for the third time at work, that I will call myself in sick.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Does anyone else ask themselves how the people in their life would be affected if they die. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
My girlfriend threatens to commit suicide on a daily basis, however, I’m clinically depressed as well...We just had a huge fight and I had a mental breakdown, I have no idea how long I can hang on to this... [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Good song to describe the depression side of bipolar Hymn for the Missing
Red
LYRICS
I tried to walk together
But the night was growing dark
Thought you were beside me
But I reached and you were gone
Sometimes I hear you calling
From some lost and distant shore
I hear you crying softly for the way it was before
Where are you now
Are you lost
Will I find you again
Are you alone
Are you afraid
Are you searching for me
Why did you go I had to stay
Now I'm reaching for you
Will you wait, will you wait
Will I see you again
You took it with you when you left
These scars are just a trace
Now it wonders lost and wounded
This…
[hymn for the missing](https://youtu.be/iWEsrQx6A2U)
|
self.bipolar
|
I’m writing away the pain Broke up with my girlfriend and gave my dog back to the rescue group that found her.
I firmly believe both decisions were for the best, but it still hurts.
|
self.offmychest
|
Am I the only one who hates how casual sex is? [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Things I don't tell my therapist because I don't want to be put in treatment again. I have my will written out, left in my car incase I decide to crash it one day just for good measure. I don't think I will but when I'm angry I drive like I'm drunk on purpose just to see how fast/far I can go.
My mother has a minimal but really shitty eating disorder that most definitely influences me.
I feel like I'm watching myself half the time. I just freak out and all I see is myself and what I'm doing like I'm constantly standing in front of myself and can't stop anything.
I personalize everything. Every interaction with a customer at my job, anything my girlfriend tells me, everything I decide to do or see that I know has NO relation to me. This happens to the point where I just cry and go to bed.
I feel like I want to constantly be planning for my death, ie not buying clothes because if I'm going to die theres no point in having more possessions.
One minute I love my parents and the next minute I fantasize about them dying so I can own the house and not have to deal with anyone.
I think about hurting myself a lot but I never do it because I'm too narcissistic because I really do think I'm better than most of the population.
|
self.depression
|
Am I wrong? Or like me have you been pushed to far? It's time for a revolution. I swear. Im so fucking done. We are quickly becoming one of the worst countries in the world. 8 major cooperations run everything. This is exactly what our forefathers were fighting to free everyone from. It started with this Fucking asshole named Trump. Actually that's not true. It started a long time ago. But it's just gotten worse. When we work soo fucking much and can't afford to live. I know that I have bad habits and that doesn't help. But there are soooo many good people that are affected in the same way. Can't get a job to feed themselves. So they have to be. Given enough to barely get by so the government can claim its why the taxes are going up but then they get a huge fucking pay raise while they don't fix anything? WELCOME TO THE FUCKING SCAM. Our country is broken and we need to show them we won't take this bullshit. Yea everything was all bad and I was trying to fucking deal. But net neutrality. The bullshit the fcc just pulled. Just saying no I don't care about the millions of people speaking up. These 3 people say it's okay so let's just pass this. Also idk if this is true but I heard that if you worked for Verizon or atnt or Comcast and they found out you voted to keep it it costed you your job. Thats not fucking right. Am I the only one who thinks we need to do something? And stop this bullshit from Ever happening again? I can't be the only one wondering when they're gonna abolish workers rights. Or decide they can just start taking anything they want. When laws just don't matter as long as you work inside this slowly formed dictatorship. It's time it stops. And what's worse is that I'm skipping soo many issues with America its insane. We aren't the country we were told we were in school. We aren't the land of the free. We're the land of the Poor. When everything is said and done we make the country run. Not the few people on top. So why do we tolerate our lives being toyed with? Any of you know anyone whose working two jobs to pay for medical support to a family member and still flying into debt? Is there a way out? Not usually. Without a massive stroke of luck. But in this country luck seems to cost just as much as living. Why do we surrender ourselves to this? The oppression is over when we decide its been enough. So when will enough be enough?
Everyone is getting to a breaking point I can feel the tension rising every day. So let's do some thing and fix it. How many people do you know able to live happily? Without chronic stress eating them away? Bills. Work. Sleep. Bills. Work. Sleep. Bills. Sound familiar? It shouldn't be like this. The world's progressing in every way. Except America. I've posted this in three different subs now. If you feel the same way spread the word. Please. I wanna know how many people think our cause is worthy of fighting for.
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self.offmychest
|
An ongoing battle I walk around everyday feeling like there's a constant battle between two different sides of me constantly going on in my head. The one side of me generally wants to be happy, has motivation, and looks for little things to keep pushing on. Then there's the other side that is consumed in hopelessness. Everything I once saw as beautiful is no longer beautiful. Thinking about the future seems pointless and in vain because in the end i'll just be alone. I push away friends and family because I feel like no one thinks the way I do and could never truly understand how I think. I lie awake at night which is when I'm at my worst. I can't distract myself like I do during the day and the negativity just consumes me. What makes me the saddest is that I was so proud of the person I use to be before depression and anxiety took control of my life. I want to be that person again...
|
self.depression
|
I haven't been this happy FOR YEARS! This was probably the best day of my life!
I've been dealing with severe anxiety for a few years now and in the past few months it was getting worse and worse. But today completely turned it around.
I was supposed to meet my friend in the afternoon and I was stressed about it since yesterday.
We met at about 4pm and she was sleeping over at another friends' house (who I haven't met before) and so we went there.
And we had SO MUCH FUN! We talked about everything, ate crisps from the ground, spoke to my friends' snail, listened to music and basically enjoyed every moment of the day.
I can't describe this day with words. I've never been so happy. I never want this feeling to end. I want to live in this state forever. This was such an amazing day!
I hope this post makes sense. I just can't believe I'm so happy!!!
Edit: We're all 15 for anyone wondering.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Bad habits born from a feeling of emptiness When I was 13 I was warned of clinical depression and that a lack of assistance would lead to a difficult lifestyle. I figured at the time that it was a cheap way of trying to get me to feel busted, but as an adult I realize how serious this depression is and how it's manifested.
I've been a collector of sorts for some.. 4-5 years? Somewhere around there. It started with Comic books. I began to collect specifically Carnage, a marvel character. In less than 2 years I obtained every issue, every cover print with a few expensive exceptions. Today I'm 3 issues away from completing this collection but I moved on to video games. Last year, I had about.. 40 pieces of physical media across all my PlayStation platforms. 1-4. Now, I have over 320 as I haven't accounted for gutted games with no cases. It's become a vicious waste of my money and I can admit this because I work at a place where I obtain these games. A store called Cex. I work some 45 hours a week, which isn't so terrible but I spend so much of my earnings trying to fill this emptiness with the ephemeral satisfaction of filling another space in this collection. It feels not unlike an addiction. Spending whatever on whatever to get a feeling of temporary accomplishment until I remember something else I don't have or god forbid stumble across another thing I "just gotta get".
I tried to rationalize this habit in many ways. "When I'm old, I can retire and just be an old person who plays video games all day, that's nice" But at the same time, I turn my thoughts to permanent resolutions whenever I feel too overwhelmed and exhausted (which is often because my manager is a cunt)
I can't quite understand how to help myself. The answers might be obvious. "Just don't work somewhere tempting" or "Just trust someone else with your money" But like anything else, it's easier said than done. Finding a good job isn't easy, and trust doesn't come any easier when you're a depressed paranoid idiot. So I figured, I'd just share this. In hopes maybe someone could relate, or also does this. Or has a habit born from their depression that they would like to share? Just something I wanted to throw out here.
|
self.depression
|
I'm 16 and i want to have sex I'm a teenaged girl in the 10th grade and all i want is to fuck. That's it.
|
self.offmychest
|
I'm so extremely lonely and isolated I daydream about being the friend/gf of fictional character(s).. even though I'm in my mid-20s :( [removed]
|
self.offmychest
|
I can't remember ever wanting to live. My earliest memory of feeling this way was in first grade. We were doing spelling or vocabulary practice and I think one of the words was "living". The sentence I wrote was something like, "I do not want to be living".
I'm not suffering any more or less with depression than I have in the past, and I wouldn't necessarily even say that i'm suicidal anymore, but I am not living on my own accord; I am living for the people that love me. I want to make the most out of the life i've been given, but i don't. Whether i can't or just don't want to, i'm not sure; but i just don't. I can't remember ever wanting to live though. I've had some bad periods of depressions and I've had wonderful, uplifting experiences. Whatever it is, though, I just don't care for life; good or bad. i just want to stop this... this feeling.
|
self.depression
|
My life sucks, but I'm not going to do anything to change it. I have failed out of two different colleges due to some mental health issues that have been worked on since, but despite pressure I'm not heading back to college again even though I could probably handle it now.
I've barely seen my family since I moved out 10 months ago. I haven't spoken more than two words to my father since I moved out.
My job is a dead end with no upward mobility possible, but I keep working it because it keeps me afloat and I don't have to think about it. I'm not even trying to find other, better paying employment.
My apartment is trash tier. I live in the worst part of town, with a homeless shelter literally half a block away. We've had to start locking the exterior door of the two door entrance because homeless people would squat in the entryway.
I'm hideously out of shape and haven't seen my dick in years, and have problems just going up stairs or bending over at the waist.
And the worst part is that I'm probably not going to change shit about how I live. I don't give enough of a shit to fix problems that are easily fixable.
|
self.offmychest
|
365 days 365 days, December 31st, NYE.
Alright so I came up with this after I smoked DMT for this first time and I feel I posted this in the correct place. I’m not really sure what I’m looking to get out of this yet. Maybe advice, others opinions, guidance even. We’ll see where it goes. This first post will probably be the longest but in 365 days if my life isn’t completely turned around I’m probably just gonna off myself. Hell some people in the world would feel it was a good thing.
Now here’s a little about me, just so you can see things from my perspective. I feel the need to include this stuff for some reason and everything I’ve listed here have some impact on my decisions.
I’m a 21 year old convicted felon. I have 3 felonies: breaking and entering x3. I served maybe a month jail time and I’m nearing the END of my probation of 24 months I have 8 months left. Once I’m off one gets dropped but I have to live with the other 2. This happened when I was 19, and I qualified for the probation program that gets the felonies off my record but was denied by the judge. Fucked my life and I feel the impact of this everyday. Employment is a shitty. Family is weird with me at family events. I can go on and on but let’s not go too far off subject. Expungement is not possible.
I’m roughly $30,000ish in debt give or take $5k or so. I owe a shit ton for the court costs somewhere around $10-15k. Here’s the kicker: in order to get off probation I have to pay that off. In 8 months. I have no idea how that is gonna work come time for my discharge.
I owe $16k on my car. Can’t afford full coverage insurance right now. Christmas night I bounced my car off a guard rail after hitting black ice on the highway. No insurance and about $2k of damage. Fml right. Selling the car is not an option as it’s financed and now with the damage I can’t sell it for what I owe. So I’m fucked there. The whole car at 21 was stupid I know and now I can’t get out of so I’m double fucked. At least it’s still driveable.
Savings is drained and my credit card is maxed out and it’s got a $2500 limit. So that’s fucked. HOWEVER I still have above a 600 score and have never missed a payment on anything so my credit isn’t completely fucked.
IM UNEMPLOYED. Haven’t really had anything steady that has lasted over 3 months in over a year. Never made more than $12 an hour in my life. Fuck me right haha. Haven’t had a job in a month and a half. Fuck McDonald’s or Walmart or any of that. Anything decent won’t hire me with my background I’ve had numerous people try to get me into car dealerships, plumbing, HVAC, logistics, the list goes on. I’m no different than a bank robber or a con artist. The search always continues but I’ve had problems since I quit my bullshit restaurant job with this shit on my record so I feel like I’m kinda fucked for the rest of my life. Hopes don’t get up for anything anymore.
My parents. Love them to death. I still live with them. God they’re gonna be heart broken in a year from now. Paid my car note for me this month and still managed to give me a decent Christmas. My mom is a waitress at Coney Island I have no idea how she did it. My dad was the manager of a small lawn care business but cut his hand off about a month ago and hasn’t worked. No idea how they did such a great job this year. The lights work and the house is warm. No problems there. I just feel like I’m a burden anymore.
Now to confess and get some shit off my chest.
1. What I did was fucked up but but I don’t feel bad about it. I stole money from a multi million dollar corporation who just got everything back and then some from the insurance company. I don’t feel bad about it fuck it.
2. I rave a lot and do a lot of drugs. I love the edm culture and I’m not giving it up. I’m not addicted to anything just like to party every other weekend. No heroin crack or nasty shit like that. Party drugs. This is one of the few things that make me happy
3. I’m addicted to weed and video games but what 21 year old isn’t. also makes me happy.
4. I have no desire to live anymore. I feel like I can’t succeed in life. Like I am just a waste to society.
5. Money can solve all of my problems. I can’t figure out how to make good money legally and I’m not doing some bullshit ass job for $10 an hour. That’s such a little amount to slave over I have decided it’s not worth my time.
6. There’s more but I can’t really think straight right now but: I’m starting off the new year getting coked out and drunk with my friends and I couldn’t be more excited.
So yeah. If my life isn’t turned around and I don’t have some kind of good employment, some money saved up and debt paid off, or at least a better situation than I’m in I’m gonna do it. There’s no place in this world for me. Society thinks I’m a piece of shit. I will never make it far in life. In exactly one year from now I will make the decision.
I’d like to establish a few things before anyone gives there opinion
1. My criminal record is permanent
2. No questions about my past please. I’d only like to focus on the future and how to improve it.
3. Advice, questions, comments all welcome here
4. I’ll update periodically if anything good or bad in my life happens. Could be daily could be monthly.
5. I will not give out personal information. However if you have personal questions feel free to message me.
This is my New Years goal. Change my life or end it. 365 days.
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self.offmychest
|
Constant restless anxious feeling Hi everyone I am new to this sub. I'm usually in the SA sub but I feel as though my anxiety is no longer just SA. Let me explain. Back in November I had a presentation in my one university class. The night before I could not sleep which is new. Although I get real anxious before presentations I never had that restless feeling before. Anyways I did some deep breathing and it relieved the tension I was feeling in my stomach. The following week I had another presentation but this time the breathing exercises the night before did not help and the feeling continued for 2 days after I did the presentation.
I have doctors appointment roughly every 3 months to follow up on my anxiety. I told my doctor and he says that it is nothing to worry about. I asked if I could try a higher dose of meds from what I took in the past (wasn't on meds for about a year bc they did nothing and I was trying therapy instead). He said there's no need.
Since then I had no feeling similar to what I was experiencing until last week. Since Saturday I have had the anxious restless feeling with me throughout the day and night. School and the thought of what I'm going to do after school is really anxious (I'm in my last year). The classes I'm in require lots of participation so everyday and night before I'm dreading it. After the classes I have some relief but in an hour or 2 it comes back. Especially at night. I'm always worrying about projects and my schedule. I honestly would love to disappear for a week with no school responsibility.
I have a doctor's appointment in February. I hope he takes my feelings more seriously this time because it is really annoying feeling something I only used to feel for presentations almost all the time now. Also this really hasn't effected my diet. I still eat. It's restless anxious feeling.
Any thoughts or comments?
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self.Anxiety
|
My panic attack at Star Wars The last Jedi Hello. First off, sorry for my bad english grammar. It is not my native language and I am writing this on my phone.
Anyway, yesterday I experienced the strangest and scariest anxiety attack I have ever in my life. After some stressful days at work with a lot of overtime and questioning about wether or not I actually have a job after the New Year, my girlfriend and I decided to go to the cinema. Trying to ease some of the stress. We ordered the tickets around 23:00, the latest screening, with the least amount of people. Halfway into the trailers, I noticed an odd guy coming into the hall, caucasian, middle-aged with half-gray medium-length hair, dressed in black, with no candy (weird enough) and only a small bag (the size of a notepad), which he had inside of his black trenchcoat. I do not think anything about it, except that he may be a reviewer or of that kind. I get eye contact with the guy and I think I'm going to smile at him because I'm that kind of guy, if I lock eyes with a stranger I do not know I try and be polite and smile back. He immediately moves to the other side of the hall (he sat on my right (to the right of the girlfriend)) and moved over to my left. A good distance away (it was the last screening and many seats were available). I think "ok , that was strange "and just continue to watch the trailers, though it is like something cold going down my spine, the whole time. I am starting to watch the guy in my periphial while I'm eating my snacks. He moves back to quite far behind in the hall, I respond to this with sinking into my seat and thinking to myself“oh my god he has a knife or a gun", I ask my girlfriend to do as me in the seat and excuse it by saying "it's much nicer to sit like this ". Nothing more happens ten minutes into the movie, before the guy moves back and is on my left side again and this time a bit closer. This time a couple of seats away. His coat is over his lap and his hands are visible every time I turn around to take snacks (which I have tactically now placed in the seat next to me). I start to calm down and watch the film, relatively annoyed over myself, but still my heart is racing. It is at that point that I look over at the guy again, purely by chance, and he is now sitting with his turtleneck over his nose, hiding his mouth and is in the process of taking on his thin gloves. I'm starting to freak again and get a lot of irrational thoughts at this point and start rushing my girlfriennd and me out, while in fear of getting shot in the back or something. I get her and myself out. I explain the whole situation to her and she agrees that he was a bit weird and that I have never done anything like this before, so it is OK. She is very supportive and works as a nurse, so I guess she realised I had some kind of reaction, and tried to calm me down. I love her for that. We try to get someone who works at the cinema to let them know, but nobody’s coming, so we just go home. Meanwhile I am irritaed as f for reacting that way. Feeling really bad for my girlfriend that had to go through that and be embarrased like that.
But hey, we are trying again tonight.
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self.Anxiety
|
Silently suffering I’m know I’m not the only one suffering of depression and or anxiety but I can’t help but always feel alone in this since I have no one to share even my thoughts with.
My husband suffers with his own set of issues so I always feel like if I voice mine too often that it’ll just be too much for him. Honestly dealing with or hearing about his issues help me not focus on mine.
Lately I have been more open with how I feel and I feel it just pisses him off or annoys him. I have this overwhelming anxiety of losing people mainly because I don’t have many people in my life that I care for and so it brings on this sadness that I can’t ever shake. I have tried medications and therapy and they work to extent but obviously there’s no miracle drugs and honestly I prefer not to have any medications. I’d rather feel sadness I guess than nothing.
I just wish I had someone I could talk to who won’t get frustrated with how I feel and also someone who is not paid to listen to me.
I feel alone all the time regardless of who is around lately and that even when I’m around people I always feel that they don’t actually like me and just merely deal with me.
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self.depression
|
Anyone have a partner that never experienced a panic attack and doesn't understand panic disorder?
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self.Anxiety
|
Anyone else get this When I’m on my own or I look in the mirror, I feel like I’m okay and normal but when anyone I don’t know says anything mean I die inside and sweat really hard and feel so small and insignificant for no apparent reason and it makes me want to die like really
The fact that I have such bad anxiety makes me depressed and I have considered suicide many times, I’ve only told one person because I would trust this person with my life and he is going through something similar although he has people to help him, I have no one.
I feel petty facing myself and think maybe I’m okay and just faking it but deep down I know that I am fucked up in the head
This all started a while ago when I had a shot at getting with the greatest girl ever and I blew it and just feel so low inside when I see her or when she send a her streaks.
This was mostly me emptying all of my horrible thoughts and nobody will probably ever read the but that’s fine
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self.Anxiety
|
Does anyone else wish their family didn't care about them? My family loves me. If anything happened to me, they would be devastated. That's the only reason I'm alive: my death, especially an unnatural or intentional death, would destroy them.
Thus, my sole purpose in life is to continue to exist for their sake. I have to wait this life out and do what I can to make the time pass faster.
But every month feels longer than the last, and I find myself wishing they would give up already and let me have peace.
wondering if I'm alone or if others experience this as well. Merry Christmas.
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self.depression
|
Final post - I'm doing it I'm too much of a pussy beta bitch to improve myself - my dad even tells me so. I don't want to wait for my doctor appointment or for college anymore because every night until then will be spent up looking at depression resources I'm too weak to force myself to do. Every day for the next half a year will be shitty and boring and full of jealousy and anger against others and every swim practice will be physically draining and, more importantly, pointless. I'm too shitty of a person to have patience like that. Better people have survived worse for longer. Gene Simmons was right - it is better to have dignity and just hang myself than whine about it constantly.
Edit: I'm alive but absolutely at risk to attempt again and again and again until I die
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self.SuicideWatch
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How can I tell myself to get stuff done? Listen. I'm depressed because I'm short and ugly and no girl likes me. Women across the attractiveness spectrum. Hot women, cute women, average-looking women, not-so-attractive women. Tall women, short women, etc...
Do anti depressants even help cases like mine? Honestly the only reason why I want them is so I can give my 100% on working hard in school and working hard towards a very good career so I can even think about and afford to put down 6 figures on literally every procedure under the sun to hopefully salvage my face.
A good online friend of mine recommended that and claimed that at least it can change things and get my appearance off my mind.
I've seen cases online where guys and girls have put literally 4-5 years of constant procedure + heal + repeat and literally drastically changed their looks by doing legit bone/skull work by doing things such as push forwards the entire maxilla and/or mandible + midface + cheek area etc and then getting a cocktail of small procedures afterwards. They have gone from being ugly (3-4/10) to being actually good looking (6-7/10). Or at least average looking (which I'd be fine with). Granted, these were really really hardcore and dangerous procedures with potential of death. But honestly I don't care. I know that if I try and get these procedures, and my fate doesn't end well, at least I tried.
If even after this I'm not attractive and there are few changes (unlikely though) and maybe if my height still blocks me (5'4") at least I know I tried.
Honestly the only motivation I have to try in life is to be able to make my money not to buy expensive cars, nor boats, nor dream of big things, but so I can get the simple joy of a relationship and hope that plastic surgery will be effective on me.
I know that plastic surgery has limitations, and I've been spending obsessively literally 6, 7, 8 hours daily researching them.
This is my last chance. This is my last hope. I've already decided just a few years ago that there is no point for me to live this life from being isolated and sometimes bullied in high school, I wish things would get better. I don't get bullied anymore and I have some friends.
But as a whole its not. I'm just rotting, unhappy, depressed. I don't know if I can take another 60-70 years of this pain and suffering, alone.
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self.depression
|
can't tell if i'm having an extraordinary week or if i'm just too happy i don't want to brag but i just really feel like it.
i got 100 on an essay back, class avg for it, was 60.
I'm also taking a full (5 classes) course load for the first time, its near the end of the semester, and atm I have higher grades than I've ever had on alot less.
I've also been given alot more projects at work (I do graphic design on the side), which means more $$ this month
the rest kind of it is not that extreme, but it feels like I'm on some lucky streak atm where everything in my life is working out somehow.
I don't even know how I've gotten to this place from rock bottom, just unreal.
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self.bipolar
|
Anticipatory anxiety - I am going to Aruba in 5 weeks and I’ve never ever been on a plane for 5 hours or out of the country! I’m feeling general anxiety, nothing too specific but my emetophobia is my main anxiety. I’m just wondering how you’ve all dealt with flying and going on a tropical vacation. Plus side for me is I’m going with family 🙌🏼 I just get so worried I’ll get sick before or during and I’m over thinking every single thing I need to take with me and all of my gasX pepto ginger. Etc. so annoying. Wish I could shut off my brain about it and act like a normal person and just feel excited. I feel excited and anxious! Just want the excited part!
So anyway just looking for tips on how to get through the before and during anxiety!
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self.Anxiety
|
I want to be proven wrong. That's what I truly want, I want people to prove to me that they want me around, that they appreciate my time. I feel unwanted, appreciated, as if I don't matter in life, that I can be uprooted and no one would miss my presence. Suicide is always in the back of my mind, but I'm too scared.
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self.depression
|
I'm crying so much I can't breathe I always kept it in the back of my mind, I tried to not to think about it because I knew I'd be crying. I should be sleeping now, but I've thought about it for too long and now I'm crying. I want to die but my family loves me so much, I don't want to let them down. If I die I'll miss out on new technology, innovations, and everything else so I also really hope I don't die. Everything adds up to the stress I'm currently going through so it'd be much easier to just end it all. I want it all to end but it's too much to fix.
I'm purposely being vague because I don't want to start crying again, but I will be more specific if I need to.
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self.SuicideWatch
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All Ready Marked My expiration Date On My Calendar Honestly i made this account for the soul reason to write my story for whoever may give 2 shits about it and as a kinda mark that i was here, because what goes up on the internet stays there. Ill keep it as short as i can. I didn't have a bad childhood growing up (Im currently 19) my parents aren't been divorced and i have to younger siblings. The root of the problem/where it started, if honest would be when i was in 7th grade when the teacher discussed what we wanted to be when we grow up. All the kids wrote on their paper the common Police officer, fighter fire, doctor ect, i however left it blank and that blank had been carried over to high school. At the time i moved homes and entered High School, and little thing about me is im the shy type of guy, all my friends in middle school came up to me because im not the type to go up to strangers and befriend them. Keep that in mind i didnt have friends in high school because i wouldnt interact with others,(i was never too fond of people)I was the quite kid who would answer questions with a nod for yes and no, group work was a no for me 2. Anyone who would try to get close to me to open up was shoot down, student and teachers alike. When i spoke in class everyone would be amazed is if they thought i couldn't speak. I only spoke when i had too otherwise i avoided it, i was your typical loner who sat at lunch alone with his head down, matter infact i layed my head down when ever i could. Needless during my 10th grade year when teacher start talking to you about college was the time time i attempted my first suicide. I tied a rope in my back yard tree around the time my parents were off at work. Put the rope around my neck and stood on a outdoor chair ready to end it there. I turned and woke on the ground realizing i had been unconscious and the rope came lose. Damn i failed at even the simplest task of killing ones self. How i get to this point? In school and came to realize that it was pointless for me to keep on living, i had no motivation, no ambitions like the others nothing that justified the reason for me to continue when i didnt want to. I picked up the rope and decided to not commit suicide for the time being mostly from guilt that my family would be horrified so i decided to give it another year, maybe next year will be better right? ill find something right? So i did , the following year in 11th grade i tried looking for interesting careers. I attend college fairs and programs to motivate myself, in the end i settled with the Tourism industry considering im bilingual, but that fake motivation didnt last for long because i knew what i really wanted i wanted to give up right then and there but my family prevented me from doing so. I tired to run to my hobbies to cope with this feeling. I played video games, read books, and even picked up art, but none of it lasted for long i grew tired of it. Around this time tried to commit suicide for the second time. This time ill jump off a into a flowing river i cant swim so it was fool proof right? Wrong im so damn unlucky because the stream pushed me off to shore preventing me from drowning. I think i must be broke right? wanting to die without a real reason. Some of you might say well get some help, well thats just it! i dont want help! i dont want to listen to someone telling me its ok its just the chemicals in my brain making me feel this way, or you just need love or friends to help, NO i dont i dont like people i enjoy being alone i enjoy my own company. Im not religious in any way nor the i want to see help just want to die and end it all.Some will say well thats selfish think about your family, id say im numb to it now and dont give me that selfish crap its my life and i believe if i want to end it i can! People kill People and thats fine because they have reason But No if you wanted to commit suicide its like the worst thing ever like im not hurting anyone else. Things got worst my senor year to the point where i skipped half my classes and went home early, later altogether not coming to school for the last 2 months. Then they're going to try and give me their shit pity by passing me saying i had enough point to graduate. Sure enough i had good grades in school and could of gotten scholarships no problem, but thats the problem. I dont want any of it i plan to end it for real this time. Ive been locked in my room for about 90% of my day only leaving to get some food once a day. I eat one meal a day and thats when my mother brings me food, i dont reject it because i dont want to see her cry. i havent spoken or seen to my father in 3 months. Mostly because when i tried to leave the house at night my mother caught me and my dad tried to stop me resulting in a fight. Him being taller heavier and buff than me he pined me down now i avoid him all the time. I still car about my sister's that i leave my room when whey come back from school so i can cook them a meal till mom comes home. They are unaware about whats been going on ones 12 the other 5. Id like to keep it that way. Ive been holding back from committing suicide because their birthdays where coming up and i didn't want to ruin it,now that they're B day passed im edged to end it but Christmas is coming up and i dont want to ruined that ether but im not sure if i can wait that long i want to do it soon. I just hope i can wait out till New Years.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I hate living with my family and I feel so trapped [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
It doesn't get better Nothing gets better. Things will happen to get your hopes up and then blow up in the worst possible way and the worst possible time.
Things only ever get worse and I regret not killing myself earlier.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I don’t want to lower my standards and take suicide off the table How can I seek therapy where I won’t be asked to lower my standards and sign a no suicide contract? I am looking to find a way to recover and get on the path to being a successful attorney after striking out at OCI, and my continued living is conditional on getting back on that path. My concern is that I will be asked to drop that condition, which I will not do. How do I address this? Basically my happiness is based on outcomes, and I refuse to change that worldview.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I [19F] am emotionally cheating on my boyfriend [19M] because I'm scared to act. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
My mood. Recently. So about a few days ago, I got this really sh*tty mood about me wanting to be alone. All my friends keep bothering me about playing games with them but I just want to be left alone. This is my first time wanting to have some "me" time and honestly I dunno how to handle it. All I've been doing recently is playing Fallout 4, but I still get invites and stuff. And when I want some "me" time, I wanna be left alone, like straight up only me. But I can't go out of the house and my parents are always home.
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self.offmychest
|
Anxious about studying How is anyone with anxiety supposed to get through university finals with decent grades? Thinking about all the studying and essays I have to do makes my anxiety so much worse and it’s so hard to concentrate enough to get any of it done consistently.
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self.Anxiety
|
Hipersexuality on BP II anyone? I was diagnosed about 3 months ago and I've always had symptoms (always=since I can remember) and one of them is:
I ALWAYS WANNA HAVE SEX, NO MATTER HOW DEPRESSED OR HYPOMANIC I AM!!!!! This drives me and my boyfriend crazy bc no one can keep up with me haha And I have wet dreams almost every night...
I used to describe myself as if a male (bc men are more into sex, following society's logic) was trapped inside my brain hahah
Does it happen to you? I'm so embarrassed to talk to my psych about it...
Edit: Sometimes, it's so fun and pleasant, but it's frustrating when you realise no human alive can keep up with you in the time of need
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self.bipolar
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Why does my MD psychiatrist seem not to...get it? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Just diagnosed with bipolar. Hi guys. Yesterday I was diagnosed with bipolar. I am scheduled to see a psychiatrist and nutritionist.
I originally was so hopeful for an answer, but immediately after she said it felt so overwhelming and devastating. I just feel empty now and confused.
Where do I start? Are there resources about bipolar other than on reddit and webmd?
I am worried now because what if the diagnosis is wrong? What if it’s BPD? They are so similar. I am concerned about the effects mood stabilizers could have on my brain anatomy and physiology if this is the wrong diagnosis? How do clinicians differentiate between the two? I have a biology background.
And then how the hell do I continue my life living as “my normal.” Where do I go from here? I feel so lost.
Edit: spelling
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self.bipolar
|
hello reddit. hey my name is Eli. i have never been diagnosed with depression because i’ve never really been to the doctor out of fear that i do have it. lately i have just been, so crushed. every little thing causes me to break down. i’m going through the break up of my first real relationship and she was a lot of my support even when she didn’t know it. just going to her as a distraction and knowing that i was loved was everything to me. it’s been three weeks since she left and all i can do is imagine us together again and that maybe it would all be better. when she left she said that it wasn’t me, that i was the best thing that ever happened to her, it was that she needed to deal with her depression and anxiety and become a better person. i completely understand that and have so much respect. but i just miss her. the hugs, the little things. i’m sitting here in tears just thinking about it and i just miss her so much.
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self.depression
|
Marijuana and Alcohol: how do they affect you? just wondering how marijuana and alcohol affects you, since I know it affects everyone differently.
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self.bipolar
|
Has anyone just like...stopped lithium? I'm on lithium and latuda and I'm considering just stopping the lithium. Yes, I am aware that this is dangerous. No, I can't talk to my doctor, because I don't have a doctor. Yes, I could potentially get batshit manic. I know the risks. I don't need a warning. I'd like to hear from anyone who has abruptly discontinued lithium. What was it like?
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self.bipolar
|
Doing it right now Racking up college debt, an ocean away from my family while I'm writing this. I'm in my bedroom right now, gun right next to me.
Just came to a realisation this morning. Nobody wants me alive. Every single time I go to class / work there's this suicide hotline number on a billboard and I would think who in their right minds would give a shit about some random person killing themselves and why. Oh yeah, the government, whose sole interest to keep you alive is to milk more money out of you. Or the people who say you're special and worth saving when you're not worth a fucking bullet. Don't give me that shit. I almost failed high school. I always got rejected by everybody. I stole from good people and did some nasty shit. I went to the Army and got issued a rifle when I should've turned it on myself the first chance I had. I never consented to being born, I never said yes to living in this shitty word, but now I am finally going to die on my terms. I did my job in Afghanistan and so my usefulness has expired. I am not going to live in this fucking disgusting world as a financial slave to people who don't give two shits about my wellbeing. FUCK THIS WORLD.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Sometimes it is just so hard to keep pushing yourself after working so hard I've always tried m best while looking for a job. Everytime. I always thought, this term will be the best term. I keep telling myself that. Especially during first year, I thought, hey it's ok, your just starting, you got plenty of time to kick ass. But now it is third year, it feels like the world on my shoulders and I some how still cannot get into Cali. I've tried so hard too... I only have one more interview coming up in which I really want. I will do my best to practice but I just don't want that feeling of disappointment anymore.
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self.depression
|
Even when youre at your worst, try to do something hygenic Over my last few depressive episodes over the last few years I just realized that every time I tried to do something hygenic and it really helped. Even if I don't go outside my feet get cold so I wear socks and I would take some soap and a paper towel and clean my feet every day so I could keep wearing the same socks and they wouldn't get crusty and smelly because that would've made things just unbearable. Or I started washing my hair in my sink (I'm a dude with short hair) because if I don't wash my hair on a regular basis the loose hairs get everywhere. Most recently I would wash my face every day because pimples make life miserable when you don't wash your pillow cases, I just bought a $5 daily face mask and put it on in the morning those are annoying to leave on. I do this so when I hopefully come out of it I know I have clean skin, or nice hair, or not a smelly pile of socks and it something positive I can say "Well I at least did blank today, I'm going to go back into my apartment for the next 16 hours and do literally nothing"
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self.depression
|
Thank you and goodbye Dear Suicide Watch (and the people here),
Thank you for being here for me, being with me, and letting me rant all my crap. The people here have been so helpful in their support and have kept me here for this long. I guess this is goodbye. If it works, then great. If not, I won't try to stop until I succeed. Hopefully I'll be dead by the summer. I don't care anymore about getting better, I don't want to try. I've tried for over three years now and nothing got better. I'm sorry to my family and my friends for putting them through this all. I've lied my way out of the hospital, talked to therapists (not that it helped) and all the support, money, and energy that I've taken out of everyone. I'm sorry for making people read through all this, but please know that I'm sorry. Thank you, and goodbye. - goldengatebridge312
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Sitting with a knife in my hand Had a mini stroke, have the flu and homeless. At this point I don't think I wanna be talked out of it.
I am just so cold, inside and out, physically and emotionally.
I can't even find a damn job. My parents don't even fucking care. I tried calling and they just hung up on me.
My man does...but is that really enough?
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self.depression
|
Good morning, sunshine! How are you feeling today? How did you sleep? Do you have your coffee yet? ☕🌄😊
.
Hey don't worry other hemisphere, we remember you too- how was your day today? What's the funniest thing you saw? 🤡
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self.bipolar
|
Sometimes I just need to be noticed I work at a job that has very little human interaction. My family life is pretty isolating as well. Sometimes I just need to feel like I’m seen and heard. I enjoy isolation usually, but sometimes I feel like I’m disappearing. I don’t even know how to talk to people anymore
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I am a horrible person and I deserve to die. Yes. I am a horrible person. I have a group of 6 'friends' in college. They along with my best friend planed my birthday party and except my bestfriend no one showed up on the day of my birthday. First it felt like it was a surprise and they would show up. But boy was I so wrong. 15 years of experience has not yet taught me to not have expectations. So the next month was one of my friend's birthday and everyone was like loosing their minds on her birthday. I felt so jealous. It should not have been so. I know. I am wrong. I should not be jealous. But I can't stop it. I get jealous when ahe talks to my crush. I get jealous when my best friend gets a proposal. I get jealous because all my friends are having such a happy and peaceful life and all I have to do is fight a war inside my head everyday to do the simplest of tasks. I am such a looser. I should die. I don't deserve to live. Sometimes I feel like locking myself in a room and never showing my face to anyone again.
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self.depression
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I feel like I'm better off dead someone please help before it's too late My problem is depression my mom died a few years back practically in my arms and if you ever witness someone dying that close to you it really effects you. I should've talked to someone about my problem but I never did. At first, I didn't want to live after going through something like that and I almost didn't when I had to be rushed to the hospital. They found doubt that I had a nickel sized hole in my intestine and I lost so much weight. I knew something was wrong but I ignored it and almost lost my life over that. But I figured the good Lord brought me back for a living but what I don't know. To say it hasn't been a struggle for me here is an understatement. After putting countless books out developing an app and ringtones I'm just not finding any success here and it's sinking more into depression. I'm all alone and so lost I find myself crying so much it's giving me a headache. I don't know which way to turn. It seems whatever I do fails. I'm trying to stay positive but having your check garnished over medical bills from my past operations and struggling to just survive really hurts you deep inside. I just want to be a successful person in life and make a difference you know. It feels like my life is cursed right now.I'm a good guy that is faced with a lot of adversity
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self.depression
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Does anybody feel like they were born too weak and sensitive for this world? This world favors strong character: confidence, self-respect, charisma, determination, fearlessness etc etc. Obviously I don't add up to any of those. In fact I'm downright opposite. My life so far has been a history of failures and regrets. I'm so sensitive it's honestly embarassing. At this point anything is enough to send me into an episode. I'm too fucking useless and repulsive to succeed anywhere in life. I find myself constantly daydreaming about an imaginary world, where I actually have friends, where I don't loathe myself so much, where life doesn't seem pointless and I have a purpose
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self.depression
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Tired of seeing how my relationships never work Hi guys,
I'm tired. Like fucking tired. I am a 23 years old male that is finishing a Degree at the University. I love sports, films, music, videogames, books, travelling... I am also a very extrovert guy, I have a big healthy group of friends and we usually spend time together. I don't have any kind of mental or physical illness. I have never had problems meeting girls. At clubs, online dating, casually because of friends... I have been with a good number of girls in my life. But it never really works guys. We will go on a few dates, we will make out, even have sex, and then they will disappear. Some of them after the first date, others after time later, but eventually they all leave me as I was. Alone again.
I don't consider that I am a clingy guy, but I'm tired guys. I'm tired of seeing how it never works, how I'm always the net for the pieces of a broken relationship, how I'm never a real priority, how I usually feel like a playtoy more than a partner...and it is hard. It is hard to go on on a first date, have that excitement that you feel when everything seems to work, and weeks later understand that it would be just another one. Another "It's not you, it's me", another "I'm really sorry because I really like you but I can't...".
Yesterday I broke down. Same old song with another girl. My friends tell me that I can go and date whoever I want. But, where is the point? Another couple of beers, another couple of hours laughing and kissing, then a walk by the park the second date, we will have dinner together and end up on her bedroom or in my car having sex, a few more days after that...and then? What? Another failure, another fucking night barely sleeping thinking why. Why when everything was going up you broke me down again?
I feel lonely. I had a girlfriend once, a few years ago. I was happy there. I was not the big Romeo of the place, she was just my girl and it was enough for me. But these years it almost feels like I'm just made for fun, nothing serious. I even want to cry. Why nobody really loves me? Why all these girls never really like me?
Maybe the ones that read this post will think that I'm just an stupid child, and it is true that there are more important things in life, but i want to be loved. I just want to be myself with another human being, and be still. To know that she will not let go at the first doubt. And I'm tired, and fucking sad guys.
Thanks for reading me.
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self.offmychest
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We live in a very strange world. I (20m) don't get it. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I have nothing. I have absolutely nothing and no one. I will never be anybodys anything. Stuck in a dead end life just want it all to be over.
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self.depression
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The TMI anxiety - where you talk too much about inappropriate things while anxious. Had quite the moment today at work. I work in mental health, and try really hard to be professional. Today I was feeling anxious, and accidentally fulling it with coffee. Next thing I know I am accidentally detailing how crazy my mother is to a coworker who is looking very uncomfortable. I'm not sure whether it was mentioning my mother had a rapist skinhead boyfriend who drove her crazy, or the crazy being collecting cats and when they die keeping them in her bedroom till they smell that was worst to detail. Either way I feel very silly and might (briefly) apologize next time I see her.
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self.Anxiety
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What works for your Imsonia? Hi guys!
I have troubling sleeping for 4 months now. If a sleep one good night in a week, it's a tremendous victory. I tried everything, every medication, CBT, sleep hygiene... but did not solve my problem yet.
Do you have any good experience in fighting imsonia? Maybe could help me and others who struggle with that
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self.bipolar
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Anxious about taking sleep aids because I'm on an SSRI. help I'm taking Lexapro 10mg for a few months and since then, I haven't taken any sleep aids (like zzzquil or unisom) because I'm scared of interactions. Is this normal? Does anybody else take an SSRI and also take sleep aids? Is it OK to do so?
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self.Anxiety
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