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Hello, I've always wanted to speak with you but I've never found the words. Not that those will come out now, as I constantly fear to forget to tell you something as I describe both my situation and myself. But let's start anyway, shall we?
I live a happy life, at least if seen from the outside: I've got a car, a motorbike of which I am very proud, and a loving dad. I somehow fell in love with a beautiful girl who only used me but she was soooo sweet and hot... We both knew what the other liked (even in bed, where one of us became dominant to please the other, as we were both sub) and we did many things together. She was engaged but we had a love affair going on on our own. Then she decided to break up with her bf to live with me but she changed her mind 8 hours after telling me that she wanted me. This is where things stopped existing to me. I felt happy, truly happy with her on my side, I felt like I was invincible... Now it's been 4 years and I've never felt anything. I just do things and survive, not a single scratch of happiness. Sometimes I could be sad but it didn't matter to me. I feel useless, it's painful to live. I don't know how to explain myself to you, as the word I am looking for get mixed up with chaotic feelings and I feel like I cannot speak. My classmates went on a trip and I refused to go, since I believed that I needed some time for myself. Turns out it was the best trip of their lives and they did many funny thing together. I cried a lot when I saw the pics on instagram. I wanted to go with them but I realized this only afterwards. In this trip the only girl who made me feel something over this absolute nonsense that my life became 4 years ago got engaged with one of my classmates during this trip. I don't know how to feel, I cannot sleep, I always cry. I feel like I have never existed, like I don't have a place in this society. I hate everybody but at the same time I wish everybody hugged me. It's been 4 years since I started not finding pleasure anymore in doing things I loved: I do them only because they delay the usual pain, as they make me feel nothing for some hours.
Nothing makes sense and I don't know if I can handle this... I am staying alive only because I don't want my father to be alive when I'll kill myself, I don't want him to be hurt even by me (we had a rough story with his divorce), since he's everything I've got, but somehow it's not enough... I only feel guilty. And yes, since I don't feel interested by any career I could choose and since there doesn't seem to be a place for me in this society, I've already decided to kill myself short afterwards my dad will die of natural causes.
Sorry for my bad english, I am Italian... And sorry if I went on like I was writing a telegram but i couldn't express myself in other ways... Recalling is as painful as explaining myself...
It's all useless... I hope I didn't miss a thing, I hope to have explained myself and not to have wasted your time...
I love you guys
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Why is it so hard to just be normal Found myself back in a hole of my own digging and pushing people away again.
I make friends easy then push them away, a few weeks ago i was the life of the party. Now i find it hard to look at people. When i think back its like I'm seeing somone elses memories.
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self.depression
|
Small Steps Are Still Progress So it's been nearly a year and a half since I've been in any kind of relationship, and coming up on four years in a few weeks since I've had a serious relationship. I've never felt good with women or had any confidence, and usually any flings I had ( which were rarer than a river in the desert) where because the other person engaged first. And even those I can't maintain because I freak out and get confused about what to do. I always have the though, "why would anyone want to be with *you*?" I could never shake it till this week when I got some help from a friend and my therapist. My friend helped me work through the thoughts and counter them while my therapist helped me discover the root cause came from my parents. They instilled their insecurities in me and I had been living my life with their burden. I finally started to shed that burden and told them I didn't want to see them for a while. For the first time in 27 years I didn't see my family for thanksgiving and instead went to spend it with that same friend that helped me and his family. It was amazing. No expectations or questions about my career or did i meet anyone or how's that paper for school going or worries about current events. It was just a family enjoying each other. We played a game after dinner and then one of my friend's roommates came home and joined us in our game. I thought she was pretty cute and my friend noticed and gave me that sort of nod to go for it and talk with her. Well when everyone left my friend left us alone so it was just me and her and we began to talk. I was nervous at first and sweating really bad (plus it was hot) but I kept pushing myself to just kind of logically blurt stuff out and not think about it. We talked for hours and I think she was into me. Her mannerisms like covering her face when laughing or the way she brushed away her hair. We only stopped cause she had to get up early to leave town. So I asked if she would like to get together sometime and she said sure so I got her number and left. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt that good and proud of myself for putting myself out there.
But then today comes. I'm trying to figure out what to message her. Is it too early? Should I ask her out now or just talk? Where would we go? I don't really know where to go, I've been stagnant for the past four years and even then I never did anything with my ex. I only drink, go to the gym, and watch the same shows over and over. I'm not opposed to going out and doing new things I just don't know what. *"Why would anyone want to be with you?"* Fuck. Just message her something simple. *Why would* Something like "had a great time talking with you last night!" *anyone want to* "Would you want to meet up sometime for coffee or a drink?" *be with you?* Fuck. Just do it. Send it. Go. Stop thinking. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.
*Message Sent*
I left out the part about meeting up again, I wasn't sure if I was moving too quick. But I sent a message and I'm proud. Baby steps. But now I'm trying to calm myself from the lack of response. It's barely been an hour and a half and my mind thinks it's been an eternity and I blew it. I'm trying not to drink to relax. I'm trying to be patient. But once again my parents anxiety and insecurities come creeping up. This is going to be a long battle but I'm tired of being my own worst enemy and I'm tired of not allowing myself to meet people and actually have fun.
tl;dr
Four years since last relationship. Found source of pain and insecurity that kept me from meeting people. Went to a friend's and met a girl. Insecurities kept creeping up but ignored them. Talked for hours and potentially going to meet up with said girl. INSECURITIES. Messaged her saying I had a great time talking with her. INSECURITIES AGAIN. No response but it's only been a short time. GOD DAMN INSECURITIES. Fuck this battle, but moving forward.
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self.offmychest
|
Just visited my psychiatrist feeling a relief that makes me happy Recently hasn't been great and it's only gotten worse, but now after visiting him I see myself sitting in a better place.
I will be taking these pills for the next 9 months and hopefully everything will be better.
Finally I have hope.
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self.depression
|
Bipolar in college? Anybody just can't seem to finish a semester? I get insanely excited for that feeling of productivity you get when you sign up and attend the first couple of weeks, but then the feeling of self doubt creeps up around the 3rd week. At that time I begin to skip class all of the time and feel like utter shit over it, and it's this huge cycle. I've been doing this for almost 5 years and finally I've decided to go see a professional. I just want a fucking degree
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self.bipolar
|
What are some good rewards to encourage healthy behaviour? I'm currently having quite a hard time following goals for myself, mostly in regards to how much I'm drinking and how badly I'm eating but what are some good rewards to retrain my behaviour?
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self.depression
|
Dunno why I'm still alive but I can't find the will to end it all either. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Overwhelmed and crashing I was only diagnosed last week and I am trying to get a grip of what I am feeling and identifying what everything is. I think I was hypomanic over the weekend and now I can really feel myself crashing and I just feel so overwhelmed by everything.
|
self.bipolar
|
At wit's end with eating disorder... I don't even know where to begin. This is probably not the best place to post this in , but I have no clue where else to go. I also struggle with social anxiety, thus I live an isolated life and have bottled these problems for a long time. I don't even know if I should post at all, but I feel so helpless and hopeless.
My eating disorder has taken over my life. My brain is hellbent on restricting food, counting calories, and losing weight. etc. I'm so sick of it, but it can't be stopped. My thoughts constantly cycle through this.
Prior to my eating disorder, I used to be a creative and expressive person. I loved art and video games. I used to produce a lot of art and admire the artwork of others. Video games used to be amazing too. Post eating disorder, I am an empty void.
When I draw or play games now, it is only to cope and escape my obsessive and stressful thoughts of calculating calories and and restricting food of the day as well as reaching my goal to lose a certain amount of weight at the end of the week. I no longer feel inspired or feel enjoyment. No more concentration in work or school. No more immersion in art or games. No more connections with friends and family. They're long gone.
I have a low BMI, but I am also a short person. All I see in myself in the mirror is a sloppy mishap of genetics and weak garbage.
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self.offmychest
|
Tired all the time I'm 23 but I feel 80. I have to take naps during the day. It seems like so much effort to shower or clean or go to the grocery store. My back is killing me. Despite sleeping all the time I'm constantly tired. Sometimes I wish I could just relax and take a break from it all.
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self.depression
|
Took my meds too late So I’m on 400mg seroquel XR, 100mg lamotrigine, 60mgs citalopram and Valium PRN. I got so engrossed in watching documentaries last night (I blame reddit for this, there was a thread about what’s the most disturbing movie you’ve seen so then I went and watched two of them because I was curious!) that I only ended up taking my meds at 10.15pm. I wake up at five for work.
I am so so tired right now I feel like I’m half asleep. I usually take my meds by eight so I have a good nine hours to get through the side effects and I’m struggling badly today. Any words of wisdom/ tricks to waking up? I’m downing coffee like there’s no tomorrow
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self.bipolar
|
what do i do my life has always been pretty lonely since my parents never let me go out, school home school home and they also screamed and beat me a lot if i didnt do something i was told right or if i got a bad grade and never really trusted me with doing anything; "you cant do it right just let me do it".
I'm 17 now and the beating has mostly stopped but the belittling comments like "you're not a normal child, we deserve someone normal" or "you're the reason we're unhappy" are still common untill 3 days ago where I thought I'd try to have a conversation with them, tell them that these comments make me really anxious and sad.
After telling them this my father begins screaming and threatening me saying that because they were too tolerant i have become like this, he then says ill beat you untill youre normal, im very scared at this point and as he starts going to his room the only thing that comes to mind is too run away, so i open the front door of our small apartment and run down the stairs with pijamas and socks and run untill i get very tired and sit at a betting place( i do not know the name in english).
I stay there for an hour or so crying in the bathroom before they have to close, so I have no choice but to return home, I walk slowly hoping I don't get seen by too many strangers. I reach the enterance of my apartment to see my parents in a vehicle, my mother comes out and cries while walking me home telling me how they don't deserve to be treated like this and that i am at fault for how they act. I go home and enter the shower since I am kinda in mud from falling while running and my feet are freezing, as I shower my father comes in and yells(very common) that I am dead to him and that he is going to keep me untill im 18 since its a parents dutie, after that he doesnt want to ever look at me again. I say I understand(he told me to say this) and i finish the shower and go to sleep as i hear my mother and little brother cry.
These last few days have been very hard at the point where I fake smile so people do not ask what has happened, I do not wish to study or try anymore I just want to do nothing. My father has removed my laptop and phone so I cannot game at all (my only hobby) and I simply sleep all the time
I've always been sad, since my first ever memory of myself and I've always thought I wasn't normal either, that I am some monster that ruins everything I do. Recently suicide is on my mind 24/7, will my whole life be unhappiness? I am typing this on my mothers phone which she let me use in the bathroom as she says God will kill me for what I've done to them.
I'm a 17 year old 115 kg boy that wishes he never existed and doesn't know what he can do without his parents, is there a chance for me to be a normal person? Also apologies for grammar mistakes I am not fluent in English
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self.SuicideWatch
|
fucking stupid rant Fuck my parents for making me live this fucking miserable existence. Fuck this shitty world. Fuck the fact that I have so many fucking terrible years I still have to live and fuck the fact that I can't just end it easily. Fuck. Fuck my bullshit expensive psychiatrists who tell me the same fucking shit. Fuck this fucking disease that took years of my life away and so many years still to take. Fuck the of hundreds of fucking pills, hundreds of hours of exercise, talks with parents, psychiatrists, GPs. Fuck the bullshit I've tried to make it better. Fuck the insomnia, fuck the suicidal thoughts, fuck the appetite loss, fuck this fucking endless brain fog that I can't fucking escape. Jesus fucking christ, fucking kill me already.
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self.depression
|
Guess I caught myself hypomanic on camera. Hey guys.
Been checking this sub for years and it's a great source of information.
Anyways.
Wanted to make a video of me fighting lithium fatque by recording the date I started lithium and tracking for stats and gains or losses for everyone to see.
I saw this video and was a little concerned with my energy so I'll re make this when I am relaxed.
https://youtu.be/70eCyTjTmxQ
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self.bipolar
|
This just happened and I'm trying to stifle tears What sort of mother tells her daughter that she needs to stop being so moody because her boyfriends isn't going to want to put up with her being like this. She knows I'm struggling with depression, she knows I have insecurities issues, she knows I am very much in love with him. Why would you say that? Why would you do that to me when I'm already in a bad place and barely containing hysterics?
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self.depression
|
Im getting help. I got a doctors appointment this Monday along with a therapy meeting.
Im taking meds for anxiety and depression that i had for a very long time.
If none of this helps, then Im done.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
To all the suicidal people... From a suicidal person. Whatever you're going through, whatever you're intending to do to end your life. Don't, and here's why.
You and only You have effected so many people's lives, you have and still can be a smile they needed on a rainy day.
If you get bullied, tell a teacher / parent or Guardian.
If you get abused, tell someone.
but please, please don't end it. Because you are worthy of life, you're worthy of living happily and free. You might think you're unloved, but i love you and so does all your friends.
Thanks for reading. I hope i helped someone out there.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
i love life, but.. i love life.
but..
im hollow.
im shallow.
im hopeless.
im on the verge.
no matter where i look, it's dark.
im not in a tunnel.
im on the bottom of the ocean.
i feel like im drowning, every day.
the pressure creeps up on me.
the pressure kills me.
suffocates me.
all i ever asked for was a hand.
to guide me through.
but.. who the hell offers their hand to someone on the bottom of the ocean?
i know i wouldn't.
i know they didn't.
so i feel like im better off.
just drowning.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I might be moving So recently my and my boyfriend have been talking about leaving our current appartment to move into a different one in the same city. Shit's crazy expensive when you're in college, so we thought up a plan to move into a new place with a friend of ours.
I just keep thinking, "What if she changes her mind? How are we gonna move everything? Who gets the bigger bedroom? Does she even want to at this point?"
It has kept me awake for atleast a week.
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self.offmychest
|
Extreme anxiety about Biology class. The thought of even being in the same area as dead animals makes me uncomfortable, sick, and also makes me feel unclean. I am a clean person and always have been, and as a child when I was anxious something I would do is obsessively wash my hands to stay clean. And the thought of my skin or clothing coming in contact with something that has touched the dissection specimen puts me over the edge and makes me want to cry, throw away my clothing, and take a long shower. In high school, I had to take Biology to graduate, but would only wear certain clothes on dissection days because I didn't want to "dirty", and "ruin" any of my favorite clothed because then I wouldn't want to wear them again.
This probably sounds weird, but it's just how I feel. I'm trying to avoid all college Biology classes, but I'm not sure how this is gonna work out, so I'm super stressed and anxious about it.
Anyone else have anything similar to this, or am I alone?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Panic attack? I have depression, and anxiety. And lately I've started having what I think are panic attacks. It normally occurs when I'm anxious, or something stressful happens, or even if someone tells me something that makes me even minorly stressed.
Yesterday it happened again. My mom started talking to me about future college plans, finances, etc. I couldn't handle it and have been avoiding making any decisions quite yet, because even thinking about it is too stressful and exhausting.
Anyways, she left then I started crying. About 5 min later my chest started to hurt, my heart rate felt irregular, my breathing was weird and almost gasping, and I was slightly dizzy but not too bad.
I've had ones that were a lot worse than that, but was wondering if this was still a panic attack? Also, what can be done to help me avoid, or even cope during future attacks?
Thanks for taking the time to read!
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self.Anxiety
|
DAE not care about New Year's? I mean, I'm not hating on people who celebrate it, it's just not my thing personally. To me it's just a new year. There will be plenty of them in the future. A lot of people will dislike 2018 in the same way they've disliked almost every year before it.
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self.depression
|
Can't stand it anymore I have enough of this shitty existence, I just can't stand it anymore, I really can't stand it anymore.
I don't mind being short, but I fucking hate the way I am treated simply because of my height.
I am fucking 19 years old and I have never had a girlfriend, never been kissed or hugged. Each time I ask a girl out, my height came as a problem, like it is the only feature that matters. After being rejected 4 times for the same shit, I haven't asked a girl out for months now.
I hate the comments my friends make about my stature, I try to laugh like I am okay with it, but inside of me, I am so fucking depressed.
It saddens me that my brother who is much taller than me always teases about being a shorty and it fucking depresses me that whenever I bring it up to my parents, they tell me to forget about it.
I rarely leave my room and I am thinking about dropping out college. Whenever I go outside, I put my headphones on as I believe passengers will mock me for my physical appearance.
I don't see myself marrying or bearing children so they would suffer the way their father did.
No education, no professional career, no family, I am truly considering ending my life very soon.
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self.depression
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I have to tell my therapist something, but no matter how hard I try, I can't [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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At the hospital. Just need to vent, I am at the hospital because my stomach has been off for the past 5-6 days. Long story short I ate dinner and a few moments later i threw it all up. Came here because I tried eating again and felt like throwing up. I've been here for almost 7 hours going on the 8th hour. Its not helping my anxiety at all. Every single time my anxiety acts up or I have a panic attack. My blood pressure goes through the roof. Now I am affraid that they think something is wrong with me. They checked my vitals twice. Blood pressure is high. My hands have been sweaty for these past 7 hours and I cant calm down. I hate that I get this way. Im in the ER waiting room, almost about to cry because I have no idea whats going? It just feels overwhelming and its making my anxiety and panic go up. Which in turn i think is making my blood pressure go up.
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self.Anxiety
|
I don't know to do and I'm afraid and embarrassed God, I don't even know what to say. I'm typing this out on my mobile at 2:20 a.m and I feel like a failure. I even failed at the title of this post (I don't know •what• to do)
I've had severe OCD all my life, and it has caused me to be afraid of just about everything. When I entered highschool, I noticed that kids all around me were always sick. Just constantly sick. I was afraid of being contaminated, so I ended up having panic attacks all the time (because I'm a fucking coward). I ended up being transferred to homeschooling where I could focus on therapy, medication, and school.
And it worked for a little.
Then I got depression. I just started sleeping all day and letting myself go. I let my school work rot. I didn't care and I just felt tired all the time. Fast forward to now and I'm 19. I'm still so fucking tired all the time and it won't go away. I haven't completed high school (no sat no anything). My OCD is causing me to think food and water is contaminated. I don't know what to do and I know it's my fault. I don't know even know if this is the right subreddit for my bullshit. I'm scared. It's lonely. It's lonely in the a.m hours. I'm tired I'm godfucking tired and a coward I'm selfish I don't want this anymore I just feel like i want to stare at a wall just be numb and i keep thinking that maybe it won't be so bad whatever comes after you know I mean who the hell honestly knows what comes after so god damnit why not?
I'm sorry
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self.depression
|
TMS Therapy; feeling like a new person (but not in a good way?) I'm a 22 y/o woman almost finished with my TMS therapy for my MDD. I've definitely felt the dip, and things have gotten so much better over the past few weeks.
The issue I'm having though is that I feel like a completely different person. In some ways it's good, but I feel like I'm re-learning how to live. Some of my interests have changed, things physically feel different, I don't feel as invested in my relationships, and in a strange way I miss my depression because it was like a comforting imaginary friend that was always there. I'm very happy for the most part, and remission has been an awesome experience, but it's also terrifying.
Has anyone else experienced these types of things in their remission? If so, how did you deal with it?
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self.depression
|
First therapy appointment I don't know why I am so scared and anxious. Any advice on things I should talk about specifically or ask? Wish me luck.
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self.bipolar
|
nobody understands nobody gets it. People tell me to do things, to be a person, make efforts to study for Uni, people tell me that I do have the capacity to study and that i am intelligent but i’m not. I’m not capable of anything.
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self.depression
|
The stress of finance is pushing me to the limit. I lost my job in the beginning of October cause my car was stolen and totaled since then bills have been a nightmare my account is constantly hovering around 0 after going negative between paychecks I can’t afford to eat and paying rent is insanely challenging I did get another job which was part time minimum wage and I’ve been trying so hard to find other ways to make money. The stress of letting everyone down makes me want to die and I have trouble getting out of bed at all I don’t talk to anyone and it feels like there’s a never ending knot around my chest like I can’t breathe on top of that if my rent is late more than 5 days myself and my roommates will get evicted so it will be my fault my friends have no where to live. I feel like there’s no more answers and I’m at the end of the line.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Fear of Death Is Ruining All my potential I'm finding it increasingly hard to do anything due to this fear that I'd always in my mind. I have less and less motivation to do anything slightly difficult because I have it in my head that the issue of death is more important than any other smaller issue.
My logic around death is that we don't know what happens after death, but that nothingness is probably the most likely scenario.
However even if there is a 1 in one trillion chance that we could experience an afterlife of eternal suffering, surely we must do our best to avoid that. In that scenario, life as we know it would be a meaningless blip and putting every inch of our effort into securing a non-horrible afterlife would be worth it. It doesn't matter how unlikely this is. As long as there is a chance, however minute, dedicating your life to securing a decent afterlife would be worth it.
There is nothing greater than infinity, and nothing could be worse than an infinite, painful afterlife. Therefore even it such a scenario is extremely unlikely to happen, we must do whatever we possibly can to avoid it.
You might say: 'Well what can we do about death?', or 'There is no point worrying about it because you can't change it'. This second statement is probably true, but given the gravity of the situation (we must avoid it at whatever cost), I feel that dedicating our entire lives to this question is necessary. We must do whatever we possibly can do decrease the likelihood of suffering the worst thing of all. Therefore we must spend all our free time, all our extra energy, and all our money (above the basic necessities) to this task. We must become obsessed with living as long as possible in order to increase the likelihood of being alive when a scientific breakthrough on might death occur, and thus not take any risks in life whatsoever.
A similar logic could be applied to other potentially infinitely horrible scenarios. Maybe we live in a Truman Show reality? Maybe we are part of a simulation and if we bore the simulator we will be eradicated, and will awaken to a hellish reality? The same logic would apply to these scenarios. We must spend our whole lives doing our best to understand and avoid the worst thing possible. I know it is unlikely we could succeed, but we must try our best.
I could live such a life but it sounds horrible. However I could only avoid such a tedious and limited life if the logical part of my mind is satisfied. 'Just not thinking about it' is not something I am capable of or interested in. I don't believe in ignorance or just hoping for the best.
If anyone has the potential to decipher a flaw in this mess and set me free, I would be eternally grateful. Death really is the only thing I fear at all, and I know that if I could get over it I could achieve anything I set my mind to.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I spent years working to get my full 50% of my daughter, and watching her open gifts this morning, I was numb; detached; dissociated. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
i’ve reached a new low and im not sure what to do anymore. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Sitting home alone... refreshing pics of friends having fun. They either forgot to invite me or didn’t want to. In other words, just another New Years Eve.
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self.depression
|
Are antidepressants worth it? I’ve suffered with depression, ocd and anxiety for as long as I can remember... I’ve just started taking clomipramine and have had almost all the side effects. I feel hungover in the morning, feel like I’m gonna throw up half the time and disconnected if that makes sense. Does it get better? Is there any point in trying at all?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
help I just tried to hang myself, but chickened out before I lost conscious. I don't want to live anymore. I can't seem to do anything right, I can't even kill myself. I just don't want to be alone right now...
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I don't want to do anything? I have struggled with depression and anxiety in the past but this is a different experience. I don't feel sad. I just have no motivation. I mean, I have some motivation. I am 21, I work as a bartender 4 or 5 days a week. I am attending school part time for Computer Science. I am in a long term relationship. I just don't feel motivated. I mean I get up, go to work, do pretty well at work, consistently get praise/raises, I'm never late, it seems like I'm liked by my coworkers.
When I am at home and I want to sit down and study, I just find myself losing focus and not making any progress. So I will stop, and take a break and maybe boot up a video game, I will play a single match or half a match and then quit. Then I decide to watch TV or something. I get bored and give up with that also. I end up just laying in bed and scrolling aimlessly on my phone. My relationship is healthy. We go out on dates and enjoy ourselves. I love computer science. It is my passion, but I just can't focus. I used to procrastinate by playing video games, now I don't even enjoy those.
I feel mostly happy. There isn't anything negative or going awry in my life. I don't know. I'm tired. People invite me out to do things but everyone my age around me is just going out getting absolutely fucked up and getting into trouble. Not that I have anything against that, I did that for a couple years and I had some pretty good times. It's just when I do that I can't help but feel like I'm wasting time/not being productive. However when I actually sit down to be productive. I get nothing done and end up on reddit or social media, like I am now, by posting this. I have been diagnosed with ADHD many times and I've tried a bunch of different stimulant medication, but it sends my anxiety into overdrive and makes me feel like a hollow husk of a human being. Very cold. It is great for getting things done though, I will admit. I don't know man.
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self.depression
|
I'm just done. 17M, had depression since age 6, funny how fast 11 years goes by when you can't focus on the long term.
Tried overdosing on prednisolone ~6 months ago and got put into the mental health inpatient system for just under 2 months. Since then I just can't focus on anything else, I just want to die, and I've stopped being quiet about it. Nothing can get me out of this mindset anymore, I'm just done. I feel ready, and every day feels as if I'm nearing the end of my third act, that I'm nearing my end.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Decided to help my (28F) husband (33M) recover from his secret porn addiction. Then he cheated on me. For eight and a half years, my husband and I have had a good relationship. Like any couple, we’ve had ups and downs, shared tragedies and triumphs. We were always a good team and, I thought, great friends.
5 months ago I found out my husband was addicted to porn and had been for most of his life. This was devastating to me for plenty of reasons, not the least of which was that he told me he had a low libido which is why we only had sex 1-4 times a month. He was using porn almost every day, sometimes twice. I should also say that I *found out* about the addiction—he didn’t tell me. How I found out was a whole other nightmare that I won’t go into.
I decided that I would support him through his recovery. We got him into meetings and therapy. He got on medication. He was better and different at home, and things were better than ever, especially in the bedroom. We started couples counseling, which was helping us work through some longstanding issues. We were learning to love each other better. Or at least I was...
One of his problems is emotional honesty. His upbringing taught him to never share his feelings, and to put walls up. I admit that a lot of things I did didn’t help in this area: until 6 months ago, I was suffering with crippling bipolar disorder, so I was known to overreact sometimes (not all the time, but enough). We established in therapy that this was a problem, so I worked really hard to watch my tone and manage my immediate reactions. I was committed to making this change if it would make him feel safer to be honest with me, and with my medication it was a lot easier. But he still put walls up and still lied to me by omission.
We’ve been doing good, important work in therapy. But that work has been *work* and it’s not always pleasant. I didn’t realize that, to someone who pathologically avoids conflict, this could seem like the beginning of the end and not a new beginning. So he withdrew from me further, and I made myself crazy trying to get him to open up. This week, he seemed to be avoiding me, but I thought I was being paranoid and insecure. I should also add that his Zoloft was giving him problems reaching orgasm, which wasn’t great for our fragile sex life. I wanted to ask him to quit the meds, but I knew that was selfish, so I didn’t.
Tonight, I asked to use his phone to google something, as I’d left my phone in the car. He exhibited the telltale protectiveness that made me suspcious: said he only had a little bit of battery left, quickly grabbed it back when I was done, etc. (Not that it matters, but I was googling how to remove a stain he never cleaned up... and I didn’t say a damn word about it, because Pick Your Battles).
So, I was suspcious. I didn’t plan it, but when he went downstairs to look for something, I saw he left his phone and I grabbed it. FIRST text conversation is with some random woman. She apparently hadn’t texted him back for a few hours/a day, but his messages to her were obviously romantic just on their own.
So, yeah, I immediately confronted him, and he admitted to it, though I’m not sure how exactly he would have denied it. He said it’d been going on for about a month. It occurred to me that he’d lied about going “camping” with “Mark” where he had “bad cell service” a few weeks prior. I immediately reacted in anger (so much for mindful emotional reactions) but quickly changed to detached pragmatism, as I’m known to do when shit *really* hits the fan.
We had a long talk, which I don’t really want to summarize. I think we both got a lot out. But unlike the night I found out about his porn addiction, I’ve asked him to sleep in the other room tonight. I want him to reflect on what he wants. And I want to imagine what my life might be like without him.
I’m a bit puzzled by it, but I kind of want to work this out. He’s a sex addict, and is so brand new to working through tough emotions and trauma. This is likely another facet of his addiction. We love each other so much, but he’s not giving me back what I’m putting in, which is not okay. I deserve someone who loves me and wants to commit to me. I don’t want someone who stays with me just because it would be hard/inconvenient to leave. So I’m asking him to think about it, but I’m thinking about it too.
I’m young and attractive. I love to have frequent and adventurous sex. I have a stable job with decent pay. I think I’d be a very eligible single person. But I would rather fix what’s wrong than give up. Is that totally insane? Like, how much terrible shit does he need to do to me before I wise up and leave? If only he wasn’t such a sweet and funny person (apart from this ugly addiction and the lies that come with it), this would be easier.
I have always tried to see addicts as whole and complete people. They are more than their addiction. He is more than his addiction. But he’s fucking hurting me. I’m still in so much shock. It’s 4:30 a.m. and I can’t go to sleep.
Advice is welcome, but don’t be too harsh with me. I know Reddit likes to burn cheaters at the stake and call their spouses idiots for thinking of staying. It’s okay if you think I should call it quits, just please don’t be mean about it.
TL;DR Check the title.
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self.offmychest
|
I sleep too much It's starting to become a problem. Like i'm sleeping when i'm not tired mostly just to avoid reality. If theres some important date on the horizon or some event that i'm dreading I sleep to try and prolong the time I have until whatever it is comes. Never works though; It always just feels like a waste when I wake up. Its not fulfilling sleep either, as I frequently wake up and go back to sleep at maybe hour or so intervals. I also have no energy, but im unsure as to whether its caused by oversleeping or the other way around. Maybe theyre unrelated. It definetly hurts my selfimage of myself. Makes me feel useless, like a waste. Donno.
|
self.depression
|
There's so much going on right now that it feels unbarable [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
7 Billion People In the world and not one of them wants to be with me. I can't face another year alone. I'm finally gonna end it.
|
self.depression
|
I’m tired of it Since I was 14 I started cycling. Went through high school being diagnosed as depressed with anxiety. Failed out of college and took a break to figure life out and then found out I’m type II.
I can’t keep myself to a work schedule. I’m a independent contractor for solar sales which is flexible at least so when I’m just not able to function I just make up some excuse to be home. When I do work I outperform the team but not even that motivates me. I’d rather be at home playing No Man’s Sky and being taken away into another world for hours and not think.
I want to be back in school. I love math and atmospheric science. I want a PHD in climate science and to protect nature which is my solace. I don’t want a fucking sales job and I hate this country for its lack of scientific value. I speak math and I breathe science and I’m bored. Going back this fall at least.
I have horrible OCD about organization that cripples my ability to actually perform tasks. I plan how to do it more than actually doing them.
My wife is tired of me and I know she is. She won’t admit it. Or maybe I’m just fucking paranoid. Between my disorder, her parents trying to rip me apart, and my crippling anxiety, frankly don’t blame her.
I’m functioning on autopilot when I’m actually functioning. My mind races a million miles an hour but my body is exhausted and I can’t force myself to do anything unless it’s a necessity.
When I have panic attacks I instinctively find a way to slice my arm open but not in a way to kill me. Then I just watch the blood until it stops and space out for the rest of the day.
I see a therapist and a medication APRN. I track my health and moods daily. Take my meds. Try to sleep. Nothing works. I’m tired of it. I’m so tired of being impulsive when I’m hypomanic and overloading myself then crashing. I don’t think I’ve ever felt “stable” in my entire life. I switch from high to low with no middle.
I’m just tired of it. I was doing so well for so long and I’m relapsing so much. I don’t feel support from my wife and when I tell her that she gets mad and gives these reasons she does support me which don’t actually happen anymore. Besides that I have no one. The people I confide in about it just acknowledge it and that’s it. A girl I knew from high school has showed more support than anyone besides my therapist, and she lives in a completely different state.
TL;DR Shit life and shit job. Can’t get out of this depressed state and nothing works
|
self.bipolar
|
Will i live in poverty in the future? Because i am disabled and can't likely get a better education i'm scared of poverty and extreme poverty (homelessness) I know my life will be miserable in the future. Because i will life in poverty. Maybe eve nextreme poverty (Homeless). Why should i live? If i know my life will end up miserable? Suicide would be an easy option. I have no education, no future, no job, and i am very likely unable to work, to get a better education. So what should i do?
|
self.depression
|
I’m so worried about my teeth I just had an anger outburst, I worry so much about the future of my teeth. I worry I may have ruined them forever. I bleached my teeth in late 2016, and I want to continue bleaching them, but I fear I might not be able to. My teeth are a bit translucent and I am afraid my enamel is either too thin, or that it’s gone. Thankfully, it’s only at the tip of my front teeth (both the upper and bottom teeth). I know there are solutions to help this, but still... I worry.
I want to bleach them because my teeth were really discolored, and I don’t want to go back to having yellow teeth. I don’t need to bleach them now, but the effect won’t last forever.
I worry because: what will my enamel be like in ten, twenty years etc.? Completely yellow? Will my teeth be permanently yellow because I can’t bleach them again? Will I still be able to get veneers? Will my teeth have any sort of protection?
Jeez, I just don’t know what to do with myself. I was damn near tears the other day, and, well... I’ve calmed down now, but it’s constantly on my mind.
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self.Anxiety
|
Is this my fault? I've been on SSI ever since high school but before high school I wasn't. My oldest aunt suggest to me to get SSI but let's call her Cancer Rat because her zodiac sign is a Cancer. I was like "Nah, I'm good for now" because I'm lazy I didn't feel like doing that but I didn't tell my aunt that! SO, she took it the wrong way and start yelling BLAH, BLAH THIS and BLAH, BLAH THAT. My mom was like "Cancer Rat you cannot get mad because she decided not to do that!" Cancer Rat gotten more mad "I'm not mad, I was just saying." I gotten tired of her yelling because she can't get her way. I was like "Mom, let's just do it so Cancer Rat can shut the FUUUUUCK UP!"
My mom was like "Ok, let's just do it. Let's get it over with." The thing is ever since then I was in 3rd or 4th grade the relationship between Cancer Rat and I went down hill! I stopped going to church with is where is start going down hill. She got mad because I stopped going to church with her. From time to time Cancer Rat will bring it up to manipulate me to have me feel guilty about it but I caught on to it. She makes fun of my weight, hair, clothes I wear, what I eat and drink, just everything like she's overdramatic about every fucking thing I do but I'm probably ain't the only one though. It's so bad that I can't even read a story on the Wattpad without her bitch ass accusing me of texting a boy when I wasn't! She probably hates when I play video games. In 2016 she called me mentally retarded and said I don't think straight but I don't know why and if I ask her why she said that to me that she'll just lie, lie, lie of why she said it. She gets overdramatic when she's the last to find out shit or when you stop telling her shit, stop talking to her. I stop telling shit because you'll tell her not to say anything to anyone that she'll do it anyways. She did all of this ever since I was in 3rd or 4th grade and still is til this day..
Now you know my back story with Cancer Rat.
Ever since 2014 I started to use Bitcoins and the only person knows I use it is my mom at the time but my brother started to find out and he ended up founding out. From 2014 to 2017 I will lose Bitcoins and wins or earn Bitcoins! Just like if I were to use the trade market, you'll win or lose some. In 2018 I wanted to make history by making thousands of dollars from a $29.00 Bitcoin investment and I did. The problem is that Cancer Rat daughter, let's call her Tuna Fish in her 30's. So I made 2 mil but the household only knew about it. Until I made a big mistake by making a youtube video about my 2 mil and shared the video to my Facebook! The mistake was sharing it to my Facebook page. Here's the thing…Tuna Fish love to lurk on people Facebook pages using her husbands account and I wasnt paying attention until after my aunt Cancer Rat confronted me about my earnings 3 days after I shared the link to my Facebook.
Cancer Rat yell and cussed at me that accused me of using SSI money to earn my 2 mil, that I did it behind everyone's back, that I didn't even bother to let her help, that I was being greedy, I didn't even bother to tell her, that she had heard it through someone else how they showed her proof, that the person had showed her a video of it, she's disappointed in me, she will forgive but won't forget, and that she feels lefted out. Here's the thing I did use SSI to get the 2 mil because back in 2015 and 2016 that Cancer Rat b•tch ass sent a letter to them told a false story how I barely go places, that my mom have to do all the work, that I'm mentally retarded, that I rage on video games, other sh•t that I can't remember and one of the update application for SSI that Cancer Rat lied to them and said that I was in a wheel chair when I never was.
So that's when I started to think that she might trying to get them to cut me off and thats why I used $29.00 of my SSI money to get the 2 mil as back up like I didn't think it was a big deal. It wasn't my fault to me because I wasn't the one sending letters trying to get someone cut off but my mom told me to not say anything about the letters when we had first found out and today is day to confront Cancer Rat. I had to do it. Now Cancer Rat wants to try and tell me what to do. She says "Girl, whatever I say to you is for the best. Whatever you did to make that 2 mil that I want you to stop doing it because it's not fair that you made your first 1 mil before your 21st birthday. You didn't do anything specially to get it. I mean like you SAT ON YOUR ASS!" She was pissed but I don't give a fuck.
I said "I had to do what I gotta do! It's not my fault that it happen. The reason why I turn $29 to 2 mil is because some bitch trying to sabotage my SSI by sending in false letters and I wonder who? Now you're mad because I made 2 mil before my 21st birthday OMG!" so Cancer Rat yell and cussed at me that she said "I KNOW YOU USED YOUR FUUUUUCKING SSI MONEY TO EARN THAT 2 MIIIIIILLLLLLLLL AND YOU USED 29 FUUUUUCKING DOLLLLLLARS! YOU DID IT BEHIND EVERYONE'S BAAAAAACK! YOU DIDN'T EVEN FUUUUUCKING BOTHER TO LET ME HELP YOUUUUUUU! YOU WAS BEING GREEEEDY! YOU DIDN'T EVEN FUUUUUCKING TO TELL MEEEEEEEE! I HAD TO HEAR IT THROUGH SOMEONE ELLLLLLLSE! THEY SHOWED ME PROOOOOOF! THEY SHOULD ME A VIDEO OF IIIIIIIIIIIT! I FEEL SO FUUUUUCKING LEFT OUUUUUUUUT! I'M SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU GIIIIIIIIIIIIRL! I'LL FORGIVE BUT I WON'T FUUUUUCKING FORGET THIS." After Cancer Rat stopped yelling that I was about to say something but my mom beat me to the punch.
My mom said "Cancer Rat, how is my daughter greeeeedy when you're the only one complaining about the money like she didn't even do anything wrong at all?" Cancer Rat got so fucking fed up that she stopped her ass out our fucking house and slam our f•cking door but while Cancer Rat and her daughter Tuna Fish was leaving that they shook their fucking heads at me!!
Another thing before I started to use Bitcoins that this household was very poor. Trying to make ends meet. Barely trying to keep the food in the house. What made it worse when Cancer Rat and Cancer Rat daughter Tuna Fish (Cancer Rat have 2 other sons but they always in the streets doing who knows what), Cancer Rat grandkids Mices always bragging about money, money, MONEY everytime they come over to our house. "Look we went and bought this", "We went and bought that.", "We went and spent this much money.", "We went and spent that much money." They knew we was poor. So I asked them "Why everytime y'all come over here that y'all somehow brag about money?" They was like "GIIIIIIIRL ain't nobody trying to brag about money. Are you mad that you cant buy video games all the time LMFAO!!" Always make fun of me about that.
June 3rd, 2018 I will be 21 years old.
Here's my question about the 2 mil and everything that ➡Is this my fault? Am I in the wrong here because I used $29 of my SSI money to earn my 2 mil, that I did it behind everyone's back apparently, that I didn't even bother to let her help me apparently, that I was being greedy apparently, I didn't even bother to tell her apparently?
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self.depression
|
Can't Control my Anger I have very bad self control when it comes to my anger. My fiance and I have been under continuous stress for what feels like a long time. Whether it's stress from family, stress, regarding our daughter and disagreements about her...we've been having progressively worse arguments. She'll say something where I think she's putting words in my mouth or "clearly we hate each other" and I just lose it. I just want her to stop saying things about me that argen't true. The arguments are generally late at night and honestly I think both she and my daughter would be better off if I were dead. Clearly, I fucked up my fiance's life. All I'm going to do is fuck up her life further and we're going to make our daughter's life hell. I'm the problem. I need to die. Unfortunately, I've only been working at my job for a year and life insurance won't cover suicide until after 2 years. All I need to do is remember that I'm the problem for another year and then both their lives will be better without me in it. My fiance can travel, get her degree, or whatever she wants to do and my daughter can live free of a father and parents who will make her life worse. I can't keep making their lives worse. I'm sorry for wasting your time.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My last new years So after 19 years of hating myself I've decided that this will be my last new years eve, I don't know when I'm going to end it but I've 12 months to work my way up to it, there's nothing left for me apart anger and disappointment and honestly I feel like this is my best option. I don't think it's fair to put myself through this for much longer so yeah I don't really know what this post is but hey it feels less scary now I've told someone.
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self.depression
|
Stressed Out Today I found out the woman my brother is having a second baby with threatened to kill herself if he ever left her. She's always had low self-esteem and was always very clingy but this...I don't know how to even react. I've always felt like she felt threatened by how close he is to our family and she's always been manipulative, but to hear this...it's unbelievable.
I'm currently in grad school and working full-time but I needed to get a part-time job to help out my brother with his rent because his girlfriend can't find a job and he works on a contract basis so it isn't always reliable. It's been tough juggling that. It's also hard because there's this group of coworkers at my part-time job that constantly talk about my body and how they want to fuck me. I pretend not to hear because I need this job.
I (somewhat) recently ended things with my ex in a pretty bad way. I thought they loved and cared about me but found out that was a lie when they told me that they didn't care if I was dead or alive.
All of that stuff going on hasn't really helped with my depression or my eating disorder. And of course my new roommates have noticed that I don't eat. Instead of trying to help, I overhear them making fun of me for it. Since I'm working everyday and going to night classes I don't have time to go to therapy for either of those issues.
Work hasn't been going great either. The breakup and depression kinda made me out of it I guess...I was using one coworker's computer last week when iMessages from another one of our coworkers popped up saying how weird I am. In light of everything else it isn't much, but it sucks to be thought of like that.
Basically life sucks and I can really use support and advice right now.
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self.offmychest
|
I just feel like I am missing out... I am 18 and I feel like I am missing our on life... All my friends are in a relationship my first and only relationship was over after barely a month and now I am alone and because of college and other restictions (my parents) I feel like that I am missing out on so much stuff that I won't be able to experience again. Such as having your first time while beeing young, having a gf while beeing young and having fun with her. Going to parties and having fun and much... I am sitting at home am doing nothing. I have the same old friends from who 2 are girls and 1 allready rejected me and with the other it is complicated. I want to meet her alone but asking her over the phone is compkicated so I want to organize something in person but if I ask her when I am with friends then there is this one friend who allways invites himself... By that I mean, if I ask her when she has time to go shopping for example. He will come and say " But this then so I have time to come" You know how anoying this is?
It got better but when I am out and there are girls and he is near you are not able to talk to said girl cause of constant innteruption...
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self.depression
|
electric shocks from lexapro/anti-depressants...has anyone else experienced this? hey all, i wasn't really sure where to ask this online but i was wondering if anyone has had experience with getting electric shocks from lexapro or other anti-depressants while you've been taking them.
i've been taking lexapro for over a year now and i've had slip-ups with taking pills everyday and gotten electric shocks from my hands to my arms before but i've been taking my pills consistently lately and i'm experiencing this in one arm...
i have also contacted my doctor about this, but not heard a response yet so i wanted to see if anyone here had experience with it. thanks!
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self.depression
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Killing myself at end of vacation Hey SW,
I have been massively depressed over the past few months. I have low self-esteem, broke up with my girlfriend/best friend and she is now with a rich guy. She is gonna get engaged four months after our breakup. I let it happen. I have ADD, codependency, anxiety disorder and am teetering on the brink of alcoholism. I see no point in life. I have constant panic attacks and barely slept for three months. I am 24 American expat who lives in Germany, i guess technically i have it made. I have a nice salary, generous vacation and am the youngest journalist out of 1000 people in my organization. I am currently in the US visiting family for two weeks. I am cherishing some moments with them and friends before i take my own life at the end of these two weeks. I used to be such a happy guy.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm so glad I can finally say this after two damn years. Fuck you. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Phone interview in one hour...just Need to vent a bit Holy crap...I'm so nervous right now. I have a 15min phone interview soon and I'm trying to fight off my negative thoughts. My heart feels like it's going to burst and I feel shaky all over. I just want to cry and throw up.
I hate anxiety so much because it makes situations like these -- job interviews during which even "normal" people feel anxious -- seem impossible and insurmountable. I'm so tired of having to constantly fight through this anxiety. But I know I'm not alone and that we're all fighting this battle together.
If you're still reading, please send me positive thoughts. Not even to necessarily get the job, but just to make it through the interview lol. Thank you everyone for being there ❤️
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self.Anxiety
|
Downward spiral So yesterday was my birthday, and I had been looking forward to it for days. The excitement leading up to it brought my manic phase to such a high point, it was difficult to control. I was so irritable and full of energy I literally couldn't sleep for days but I kept pushing because I knew once my birthday was out the way, things would hopefully just get a bit easier at least, since I wouldn't have all that built-up tension anymore.
My boyfriend had been planning me a party all week. Nothing crazy, just decorating my house, getting a cake, and having my friends over to drink, eat pizza and watch movies. It gets to the event last night and no one turned up. Literally nobody. I wish that it was because of good reason, but the only reason was that people simply had better things to do. He was so heartbroken and upset with everyone, and I tried to stay strong for him but it literally broke me. I've never had a big birthday event with a group of friends so it meant a lot for me, and to have no one turn up...
Long story short, it's thrown me into a pretty dark depressive phase, and I'm finding it so hard to stabilise my thoughts. I'm at the point where I'm questioning that if my friends can't even be bothered to turn up to such an important day in my life, are they really friends? I live far away from home and don't have a great relationship with either parents, so this was really all I had planned. I've had such a hard time making friends in the past that I can't help but think that it's me, and I'll never make friends properly. And honestly, I think that it's all down to the bipolar.
Any advice on how to recover from this would be seriously appreciated, if not then this really is just a huge rant.
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self.bipolar
|
To the person who took a shit all over the back bathroom on Southwest Flight 6954, from Buffalo to Phoenix Go fuck yourself. You literally shit everywhere but the toilet. That poor flight attendant had to clean up after you, which she did to the best of her ability. Then I walked in to take a piss only to find some lovely remains.
I simply don't understand people like you.
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self.offmychest
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Feeling alone and sad around the holidays So, I feel really lonely despite being around people who I care about this Christmas. They don't understand and I don't want to burden them. I want everyone to be happy. I don't feel happy though. Close friends feel distant. I don't feel loved by family and my SO. I feel like if I talked to them about it, they wouldn't understand that it's not about them. I know there's something wrong with me. Lately I can't sleep. I just stay awake and angst about life like a teenager. It sucks because I do want to talk about it with someone but I don't have anyone I feel like I can share it with who can help me. It's hard feeling like I have no one. Thanks for reading.
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self.depression
|
I feel bad about being anxious over nothing Last night I was worried I offended my mother by asking her a simple question, where I asked "Are you still okay even though sometimes I don't always come up to watch TV with you?", I was so worried over nothing because she didn't even seem upset about it whatsoever, and it led to a minor anxiety attack. Now I feel bad for being so anxious about it, because I feel like I bothered my sister by talking to her about the "issue". Does anybody else feel bad after being anxious over a little thing?
|
self.Anxiety
|
The stage used to be the only place i felt safe, until a week ago [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
It's been 3 years in this prison and I need out. Please, help me. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Help I don't feel like even trying anymore. Every day is the same old shit. I don't even feel like trying to die, but if a car hits me when I don't look both ways that would be perfect. I hate that this is the closest I'll come to relief. I won't be able to kill myself because I don't even have the energy to do that. I don't accept help, because I'm afraid that it will work: that they're right. I can't tell if I'm lazy, arrogant, in denial, or something else; either way, it's my own fault. I keep finding ways to make myself fail so that I have a guarantee and won't have to deal with the pain of not knowing. On top of it all, I'm sick of constantly asking for help and not doing anything about it after. I'm sick of how pathetic I have to be to post this here. I can't even be honest with my own therapist and psychiatrist, let alone my parents. I'm sick of not being able to prevent my thoughts from affecting my motivation. I'm sick of a whole lot of other things that I can't change. I'm sick of being sick of all the things that I am. Whenever I post here, I keep coming back because I keep deluding myself that one day my life will be different. It won't because I will never make it so. So many other people can be saved and the Redditors that comment on this will eventually lose contact with me, if this post even gets noticed at all. I'm stuck with so much guilt, anger, sadness, and hopelessness.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
About to take Lexapro After these few weeks I have been struggling a lot. I can't function in school, I feel like a zombie whenever I'm down in the hall. Friday I had a pretty bad episode, probably my worst one yet.
I am a bit nervous. I'm taking 10mg. Any of you guys tried Lexapro before? How did it go for you? I know that everybody is different and have different chemical imbalances but I'm still curious
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self.depression
|
Anxiety is getting the better of me now. So, things have been getting really bad recently, and I’m getting very desperate. My current situation is about a bunch of old friends who kicked me out their circle and left me to rot. I have been coming up with excuses not to go to school. I’ve tried reporting them, but the situation just got worse. Any advice?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Not circumstances, just me My first ever post so please bear with me. I see lots of posts about awful things people have been through or where people say if I just had x things would be much better. My life is pretty normal I think and no huge traumas, just the usual stuff. Feel a bit of a fraud to not be able to feel okay when others have it so much worse and don't know what to do to stop myself feeling this way :/. Bit of a ramble, thanks for listening.
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self.depression
|
I really just want to know that someone hears me, if you read this I just want to know your thoughts I have no one I can vent/talk to. I know it’s long but I don’t have anyone to talk to [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Days go by so fast and so slow Every second feels like it takes forever to pass but before I know it it's 10pm and I haven't done anything
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self.depression
|
Has anyone had luck after trying a lot of medications? I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. The latest diagnosis is with Psychotic features.
I have been on something like 7 different medications and all of them have had big side effects and/or been ineffectual to dealing with my issues.
I have hope every time that THIS will be the one that helps me.
I have lost nearly all hope, as this takes heaps of time and I am really, really behind in life (broke, without a career, wife or house at 32) and don't want to keep dealing with this.
|
self.depression
|
I’ve been so good mentally and today has brought me back to reality and I’ve never wanted to die this bad. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
If I tell a psychiatrist about suicidal thoughts, will I be hospitalized? Even if they aren't strong suicidal thoughts? Please tell me the truth.
After 3 years, I've finally recognized that I need to seek help for how I've been feeling. A lot of stress has hit recently that has just made everything so much more hopeless. I don't think I would commit suicide anytime soon, but the thought is constantly lingering in the back of my mind. I'm just afraid that I'll be hospitalized if I voice this.
There isn't a way to afford hospital treatment right now, I can barely scrape up enough for this first appointment, so if I were to be hospitalized, that would be even more stress. I know I shouldn't hold anything back, but I'm just scared of all the consequences. It was hard to come to terms with the fact that I need help, but if there are negative repercussions to seeing someone, I would rather find an alternative method to seeking help.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My family searched my room while I was in the hospital I don’t know if anyone will even read this, I just need to tell someone what is happening. here’s the story a little over a week ago I admitted my self into the hospital because I did not feel I could keep my self safe any longer. The next day brother was “looking for cough drops” at least that the excuse they used. And he looked in the box where I keep all of my SH tools in. He then proceeded to go though my notebooks where he found some letters that were address to my family after I was dead but had never intended for anyone to read. I didn’t even want them to read them even if I had killed myself. He freaked out and showed them to my sister, who showed my dad. They then decided to search my entire room they went though every box and they took all the cloths out of my closet. They took everything out of my desk. Read though all of my notebooks. This happen last Wednesday and they didn’t tell me until Sunday. I saw my parents 3 Times between the time they found the notebooks and SH stuff. They said the his hospital told them to go though all of my stuff and they also told them not to tell me. I am really devastated that they read something so personal that I never wanted them to read. Now I don’t know what to do. All I’ve done since I found out is cry. I feel worse now then when I went into the hospital. Thanks for reading. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. I just really need a place to rant.
|
self.depression
|
Player He was my first, when I would look at him it would make me feel this feeling I’ve never felt before, butterflies in my stomach and I couldn’t help but to smile every time I would first see him. He cheated on me soo many times , has temperament issues, verbally abusive but claims he loves me and now I still can’t find the strength to move on because I am such a weak pathetic person. I’ve been nothing but loyal to him regardless of what he’s done to me. The young me would be soo disappointed in myself to see she got with a man just like her father a man she promised she’d never give a chance too, 5yrs of my life down the drain and no one else to blame but myself. If I had one wish it would be world peace because that way we’d all be at peace with ourselves enough so that people won’t have to hurt others. Isn’t that soo f*cking pathetic, I seriously can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror and see the person I’ve become. I don’t understand why people lie or cheat when you can be single and do w|e you want. I hate being such a goody two shoe it’s done nothing but get me hurt. Do good guys even exist?
|
self.offmychest
|
i am envious that people here actually have a choice to harden the fuck up and get better! i on the other lost hope. all i see on this sub are Perfectionists with no real depression but more so bitterness about having no friends or simply being in a shit place. you CAN get help if you chose to get up and go out there!! Unfortunately for me it is not about social problems. it is my mind, my psychotic mind which makes me believe i am being taken over when i have episodes of dissociation. i Have OCD & GAD. so when i am not dissociated i spend half the time worrying if it will come back at all and i go to certain lengths to 'Push it Away'. and when i do have a episode i feel like i have descended on Mars completely hijacked and once the episode is over i spend two to 3 days wanting to kill myself while ruminating over my episode. i also show signs of Some PTSD traits which further alleviate this. the MOOD depression can be easily fixed, us with comorbid illnesses or MDD it's not so easy
|
self.depression
|
I need help in getting my SO help. Hello guys, first time poster but fleeting reader from time to time for help. I’m running out of options and can truly use insight and advice from you all.
I’m 29(m) in a 5 year relationship with 27(f) I will call Megan in this post. We’ve had a great relationship with your generic arguments and disagreements throughout. She has had psychological issues throughout and only until within the past year has she gotten help. Her parents are very against medication and whatnot but recently have become more open to it (well her mom has without talking to her dad about it).
She went for an extensive neurological evaluation and her results came back depression, anxiety, ADHD, and bipolar 1. After receiving the bipolar diagnosis she was inconsolable for awhile, and I did all I could to keep her positive. She decided to go for a second opinion because she didn’t want to accept it, and has convinced herself the bipolar symptoms are results of her anxiety and ADHD and she isn’t bipolar. She has received medication for ADHD and depression (lexipro and vyvanse) and has bouts of positivity while still hitting depressive episodes. Sleeping all hours of the day and convincing herself it’s her “crash” from running out of vyvanze, and other times staying up all hours of the night and lying about sleeping to me.
More recently, I tried bringing these issues up to her and she loses it. She talks over me, won’t let me say a word despite my trying to remain as calm as possible to simply help her understand. I will even say “do you see how you won’t even let me say a word to you, Megan? You’re losing it right now” and she says “I’m tired of listening to you! You don’t want me to get better, you want to remain in control of me” which is far from true. I want her to be healthy and the beautiful person I know she is. This happened a few weeks back and she handled it by storming out of my apartment and blocking me on Facebook as well as calling her. She then proceeded to drive an hour to my childhoods friend House with his new wife and unload all of this onto them. My friend immediately called me the next day and was like “why did she come here? Doesn’t she know we’ve been friends for 20 years?” I think she was trying to drive a wedge between me and then because she’s created a bond with them over our 5 years of dating, but obviously it didn’t work.
We eventually talked about everything and she broke down and admitted she needed help. Since then, I thought she would seek a mood stabilizer of some sort to help with her bipolar tendencies, but she only convinced her doctor to give her higher dosage of lexipro and as of this past week Wellbutrin. Her doctor is a big name in NYC for ADHD who also happens to prescribe her depression meds, and I have my reservations about a doctor known for ADHD being able to truly help someone as depressed and anxious as she is. But then again, she could be avoid by the bipolar conversation as she did with me for so long as a means of coping; I wouldn’t know for sure.
Either way, history has repeated itself. I’m a full time teacher on a long weekend and Saturday night, I was up late playing video games. Around 11 she said my controller was too loud and she couldn’t sleep, so I offered to go in the living room and she can sleep in my room (all this is at my apartment). She then asserted she would be able to hear my controller from the living room through the door and that I should just go to sleep. I said that is an unfair stipulation because it isn’t so loud that you can hear it through the door and down the hallway from the living room. I go into the living room and am playing with volume down. She comes in and out from my room (lights on, meaning she isn’t sleeping) and eventually starts accusing me of staying up because I’m sad about what’s going on in my life and it’s bothering me and I won’t talk to her about it. For reference, I am dealing with a shitty coworker and a shitty previous landlord, but my reasoning for staying up was just the fact that I hadn’t played my Nintendo in forever and since I have a long weekend, was enjoy my playing it again. Earlier, I made a joke with her that I’m sad because I had no ice cream in my freezer, but she said I was “lying about he ice cream. I’m really sad about everything that’s going on.” I obviously denied this and dismissed it, stating I just wanted to play Zelda and Super smash brothers since I haven’t in forever. She refused to drop it. She was raising her voice and refusing to leave, despite my brother being dead asleep in his room; oh yeah, it’s about 2:30 am at this point. I try getting her to drop it saying “it’s 2:30 in the morning, is this really the best way for you to bring up an issue Megan? Especially with Tom sleeping literally feet from us where he can wake up?” She wouldn’t stop. She was on a mission to get me to admit something that just wasn’t true. I told her I was done talking and she kept going at me, still raising her voice as she rambled. I eventually say “Megan, either drop this and go in my room or go home. If Tom wakes up he’s gonna be pissed and this isn’t helping anyone or anything right now.” She went home, but not before leaving me a note under my pillow of everything wrong with me and then a text message reiterating it to me. (I’ll
Post the picture of the note in the comments) This of course followed by blocking my phone number and me on Facebook, again.
I’m at a loss at this point. Dealing with her is mentally exhausting and I want her to get better, but she isn’t. So I turn to this community for advice, input, and help. How do you convince someone they aren’t getting the help they need when they aren’t willing to listen? How do you explain to someone that they are projecting their own issues into you as a means of coping?
TL;DR my girlfriend of 5 years, diagnosed as bipolar, wont get help and is trying to deny its validity, despite its negative toll on her and our relationship. How do I get her help?
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self.bipolar
|
I'm gonna just kill myself now Life is similar to a card game, I've been dealt a shitty hand and lost the game.
I've lost. :(
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I am completely depersonalized Help nothing feels real!!!!! I feel like I'm high or everything is a dream. I don't think I'm in real life anymore!!! My mind is racing!!!
|
self.Anxiety
|
Random thoughts/venting during my lunch break... I've been doing okay lately but have had some serious down days. I'm 3 years clean from cutting but I almost did it this weekend. I really know I need to seek help but my family doesn't believe in mental illnesses so I have to wait until I get my own car to take myself. I'm terrified of being on pills because I don't like taking medicine. I'd rather deal with shit than take medicine. I'm terrified to tell whoever I seek help from I have thoughts of suicide and lately I haven't been scared to die like I usually am. There's such a stigma about seeking out help and yes I care about what people say. I know I shouldn't but I do. How can people just be happy? I wish I could be. Nothing could be wrong or go wrong and I still feel depressed AF. Doesn't help that I'm doing something I don't agree with so I'm having an internal battle there too. I just wish I could feel numb...
Sorry for wasting your time..
|
self.depression
|
My friend was playing around, but I feel like I should have punched him... [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Friend Dissapeared from all Social Media Hi, all. My friend on Discord (where we met) he showed alot of depression / suicidal signs over the past 4 days, and suddenly at 1pm (GMT London) yesterday he dissapeared from ALL social media, we run a Discord server called Zenex which helps people with depression. I'm worried about him and I don't know what to do. His last post on his snapchat story was a black screen with a white light shining in the corner. Please help!
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
ERASE MY MEMORY PLS HOW DO I GET RID OF THESE HAUNTING MEMORIES AT THIS POINT ITS ALMOST LIKE I HAVE PTSD I DONT WANT TO GET A MENTAL BREAKDOWN WHENEVER I THINK ABOUT THE PAST. PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASEE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEZEE KILL ME PLEAZE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE KILL ME LLEAZE KILL ME PLEASEE KILL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
|
self.depression
|
How long do you go before calling your psychiatrist? I saw my pdoc a month ago. At the time, I was feeling okay. I have bipolar type 2 and generalized anxiety disorder. I've had periods of anxiety and depression this year but they always pass. I've been stuck for a couple weeks now though. I'm sad, depressed, worried, nervous, can't sleep, agitated, I don't enjoy anything in life like I used to.
How long do I ride it out before calling my pdoc and saying hey, I need help?
I currently take Effexor Xr 225 mg daily, Lamictal 200 mg daily and Latuda 20 mg daily.
I just can't find joy anywhere right now:(
|
self.bipolar
|
I feel sad and depressed whenever I go through stuff from my high school days My high school career wasnt the best but it certainly was full of great memories and long term friendships *(some of which I am still in contact with over a decade later)*. Whenever I go through old pictures or Facebook posts/messages from my high school days, I instantly feel sad and depressed because of how much fun those days were and that I can never re-live those amazing days ever again. What makes this feeling worse is that I've lost contact with many of my close high school friends so even if I wanted to get in contact with them again, it couldnt happen. Some I know have moved to different cities/countries and some now have families and established careers and im just sitting here going through old memories wishing that I could re-live those days. We're all happy when high school is finally over but many years later, that feeling isnt the same anymore. I know its not just me who feels this way but this feeling F'ing sucks and at the same time I dont want to get rid of those memories that keep bringing those feelings back because they mean a lot to me. It just sucks that I cant do anything to bring those days back.
|
self.depression
|
The worst thing about being self aware of your depression is that you know why things suck so much. That there is nothing you can do to change it because knowing your depression is keeping you from changing things. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
i can never sleep when i need to 5:22 am on a school night. no sleep yet. saturday night? fell asleep at 8pm. fuck school. fuck life
|
self.depression
|
Insane depression over my nationality. Been going on for years. Has made me absolutely miserable, any advice/help please? I’m Pakistani-American, born and raised in the States and I hate my nationality so much to the point where it makes me cry and become severely depressed.
In school I was teased and picked on for being Pakistani and it especially hurt me to see the nationalities of the kids who picked on me (Greek, Irish, etc) being celebrated. As a lover of history, being Pakistani hurts so much. Pakistan has one of the worst reputations of any country in the world (ranked third worst by U.S. news). Pakistan is known globally for terrorism/harboring Bin Laden, the San Bernardino and 1993 World Trade Center attacks, and being third world, while countries like Italy and Greece are known for history, culture, landmarks, etc. Pakistan’s tourism is a joke as it barely gets any meanwhile Italy, Spain, Germany, etc. literally receive more tourists in a week than Pakistan does in a year. I don’t see tourists posting pictures of Pakistan and going to Pakistan.
Pakistanis aren’t just not celebrated, in some parts of the Western World they’re hated. In the U.K. the British say “paki” as a slur and actively look down upon and attack Pakistanis. I see people in public with Italy, Spain, etc. jerseys, shirts on them but who would ever wear something with Pakistan on it? I love soccer/football as well and Pakistan has one of the worst ranked teams in the world and is the worst ranked in terms of population vs. ranking.
This has been going on for so long and still makes me terribly depressed and I often cry wishing I was a different nationality. Any advice/help please?
|
self.depression
|
I have everything I have ever wanted and I still feel like my life is going downhill every day passes [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Last night I was nearly at the "I'll do anything to make this stop" point While trying to get back to sleep I was completely unable to stop reliving all the stupid and mean and ambarrassing things I'd ever done and all the mean things ever done to me, and all the things I wanted to do to the people who'd done them to me.
This is something I have very good control over when fully conscience. I just don't do it. But while between being fully awake and fully asleep I have little authority over my own thoughts.
So here I am in front of my computer at 3:30 in the morning, knowing I have to be at work in a few hours. I'm horribly sleep deprived anyway. Tomorrow is really going to suck.
|
self.depression
|
How can I save myself? Another self deprecating post from me on reddit, hurray.
I serve in the IDF, and today, due to how close we are to release, we were sent to a convention about job applications, courses, etc.
This is the offer:
Possibility for early release
Partially or a fully paid course to train you in that skill (IT, Management, app creation, electrician, hotel jobs including management, medical research, etc)
Instant employment
Funds to live through during the course, in case you won't work during the course, etc.
So as you can see, it sounds too good to be true.
But I couldn't even get to one of them. I can't talk to people, I'm next to mute, and some people even think that when they first meet me.
I just stood and watched everyone go up to the stands and talk, gather information, etc.
I don't think I ever wanted to commit suicide more than this day.
This isn't the first opportunity I blew. This has been going on for over 15 years. I was about to just burst out in public for the first time.
I already put the gun barrel in my mouth last month. I doubt this is the last time I'll just watch everyone, but I'm not sure I'll let myself live through any more of these situations.
I've been posting on reddit about this for more than 2 years now, and so far I only find solutions to keep me going until the next problem appears. I'm done repeating my entire empty life.
6 psychologists, 15 years down the drain.
I try to sit near others and socialize, but then I go to the bathroom and just start punching the wall until my knuckles are red and hurting.
Can't even write a coherent and well structured post, I just write and hope that I remember everything important.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I always thought my first lucid dream would be cool Had a lucid dream for the first time ever last night, I lived through multiple nights of my life and during this time I met the first woman to ever be truly attracted to me and have a lot in common with me and I felt true happiness then I woke up and remembered that life isn't for me
|
self.depression
|
Why are today's girls & women acting like DragQueens?!! [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
I fuck everything up My mom and sister have been pressuring me to go to a relative's place for thanksgiving dinner. I've had a really stressful fucking week and I just want to be fucking alone. My mom just yelled at me. "Don't go, then!"
I'm such an asshole. I ruin everything. It would be better if I was dead.
|
self.depression
|
I'm usually calm, cool and collected. University is quickly whittling that away. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
So recently connected with an old friend and all we talked about was his tinder issues [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Wife having complicated pregnancy, I’m going to school and working, she is on bed rest for at least a month Hi everyone. I’m having an awful panic attack and I am just trying to keep it all together right now. I need to be strong for my family, and I feel weak. Like the title states, my wife is having complications in this pregnancy. She is bleeding a lot and has been put on bed rest by the doctors for at least a month. We have a son who is almost 2 and has some mild mental problems, and is a handful to watch. I can put him into daycare while I work, but it puts our budget in the negative. I am going to see if the daycare can work out something where we pay hourly so that if I have work or school they can watch him.
My wife can’t work with this issue, and my job has been so slow for the past month that I haven’t brought virtually anything in terms of income except for my VA disability and GI Bill for going to school full time. Work should start picking back up, and I’ve thought about taking up another job, but if the schedules conflict that could be a huge problem. I need the current job that I have because it’s a perfect fit for the process operations career that I’m going into, which is very competitive, and I’m getting looked at by multiple companies at the moment. This new career could be a huge break for us.
I hope we can make it. It’s going to take a lot of initiative. I’m just so afraid of losing the house, not providing for my wife and my child, but most of all, losing this baby. My wife is high risk and says she doesn’t know if she can take losing another baby if this one doesn’t make it, after so many miscarriages.
Thanks for reading. It feels good to get this out there and type it out.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I’m going to relapse today Then I’m going to go to Home Depot and buy some rope and hang myself because life is awful and I can’t do this anymore
|
self.offmychest
|
I feel unworthy of being loved I don't even know how to begin writting this... I feel like I can't explain you my whole life story in just some sentences.
I'll start by saying that I'm a 23 year old girl with multiple abandonment issues and trust issues, so it is very hard for me to REALLY open up to people.
I've had this group of friends for almost 3 years now, and I still don't feel comfortable enough to share some private things with them... And I know it's completly my issue, they are very comprehensive and not judgmental with each other, the best kind of friend group someone like me could ask for and still...
I live with my mom, who is not a very healthy person mentally.
It's hard for me to live with her, and my relationship with my mom I feel like it's getting apart...
I feel like I'm a bad person to her, overall I feel like I'm a bad person to everyone. I sometimes can be brutal with the way I say things, that's why I feel undeserving of any kind of support.
But still, I feel terrible everyday, worthless, not worthy of any kind of relationship, any kind of love, I'm just not meant to be alive.
I'm a failure as a person. I failed at everything I tried to accomplish in my life.
And this is all my fault, my lack of trust in others is being repayed the same way, but I don't know how to trust in other people I don't know how to do that without being hurt, because I know it's a risk you have to take, but I'm just so afraid of dissapointing others and end up more hurt than I already am.
|
self.depression
|
Need to stop xanax but what can make me still good? So I've been taking 1mg of xanax everyday for about a month and I can have days of not taking it but I just feel more anxious and not like the calm collected social person I am when I am on it.
So saying that basically I'm not addicted and don't feel the NEED to have it but I know it does help me so when I'm going to social interactions which is ALOT I take 1..
I want to stop but what else can I do instead that is more healthy for me in the long run?
I'm from the UK
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm just so tired I just don't understand how I can feel so emotionally drained and tired all the time yet I can never sleep.
|
self.depression
|
Poem I just wrote
My minds been floating for a couple years
Downing bourbon bottles till I black out gave my mother tears
lost without a purpose
It's a circus welcome to my mind
Often merciless
But Ive seen hearses
carry brothers over time
You lie to me like it's rehearsed
I can feel it in my spine
And I just
Can't figure out
What to do and
it pains me
Like how the fuck am I supposed to find a lady
Have a baby
I hope to one day drive my son to school in a Mercedes
But as of now
I'm drifting off the coast like Calabasas
Prescription medication had my mind stuck in molasses
I'm stronger now
But
Once again I'm in the clouds
Chewing xannies like they're candy
Mamma you should
See me now
So
Am I a servant or a serpent
I've done some shit that I regret no matter if they earned it
I rolled the Buddha up
tucked and licked
And then I burned it
At this point I'm just hoping I don't descend
Into the furnace
|
self.depression
|
This time of the year Hi, this is my very first time posting here, and idk what the outcome will be from it, but I hope it’s good.
About this time last year I suffered a traumatic injury involving inclement weather at my job. The incident left me hospitalized in the ICU fighting for my life, and with multiple other injuries, which are still not resolved.
Since the accident my anxiety has just built and built. I wake up with nightmares — when I can sleep, which is rare. I am anxious about going outside in general now, but I have extreme anxiety going outside in bad weather - snow, ice, rain; and now that it’s nearing that time of year again when the accident happened, my anxiety has heightened to extreme levels.
I know I’m just venting here, and I really don’t know what anyone can say or do to help me, but I am posting this because I have to try.
Thanks for listening.
|
self.Anxiety
|
i want to kill myself but it's too much effort and there are no video games if i'm dead [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
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