text
stringlengths 39
36.7k
| label
stringclasses 5
values |
|---|---|
DAE get anxiety so bad they want to die? I'm dealing with a situation at work and I feel like everything is spinning out of control. I'm just to the point that I actually thought to myself, "I'm ready to die."
It doesn't help that I'm a single parent and I have no one I can really talk to to vent my frustrations.
I just feel like I'm going crazy even though I have to be the sane one in my line of work.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I had sex with my cousin I'm a 20 year old female and I've been going to my cousins house who's 30 and sleeping ice for the past four nights now. I always though my cousin looked good but we had never really talked. But one day we had talked and he gave me his number and we just started texting. He started inviting me to his house almost everyday after that and I would spend sometimes the whole day and the night with him and his buddies. Hell always come pick me and drop me off the next day.
The third day I spent the night he decided to go to bed while me and his buddy was still on the couch. His buddy decided to go home and since there was only one cover in his one bed room apartment me and my would always sleep across from each other on the couch. But this time he had sent me text asking me if I wanted to share a bed with him. So after that I walk into his room and I fall asleep.
So I wake up in the middle of the night and he has his hands under my thighs and is rubbing and groping my butt for about 25 minutes and he also starts grinding against me but I didn't say anything all I could do was breath hard cause I wanted him to stop but I didn't. 15 minutes later he stood and all I did was lie awake thinking about it for an hour and the he wakes up and tell me he didn't know I was in bed with but I knew that was be even though we were under the influence of alcohol but I play along with it to prevent things from being awkward.
We had push that night under the rug but the next day he invited me over again. And of course I spend the night again. I go to sleep in his bed again thinking that the incident wasn't going to happen again but this time after all the pricing and grinding he pull down his and mine pans and he starts to have sex with me witch test for about twenty minutes. After the intercourse I look back at him and he looks at me and things get really awkward. If things went awkward then then they were awkward now. We went to sleep and we didn't wake up till 12 in the afternoon. I went home and we never spoke sense.
|
self.offmychest
|
Anxiety turning into anger I'm often finding my anxiety turning into anger as of recently, does anyone else experience it? Doesn't feel very good and I've never really been a person who's suffered from anger.
|
self.Anxiety
|
This is goodbye. I don't even know where to begin. I have a horrible job which I dread going to every morning. Boss treats me like shit and I get a bullshit pay while being overworked. Can't get into college as I am missing a credit. My family is disappointed with the way I turned out and are slowly leaving me. No friends left in my life and zero chance at finding love. In a few days I'm gonna buy a gun and quickly end this existence. I'll be forgotten and it's for the best.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Hey guys what do you do to stop the crushing sickening feeling that you want to die. First time on this sub I've come to the end of my tether I litterally have no one to talk to this about,
I've been to a psychiatrist countless times over the last 3 years talking to them about putting me on lithium to level out my erratic moods,
Each time they agree saying yes I should be put on lithium each time 6 months later they have done fuck All,
I've got so much shit going on in my head it feels like it's going to explode,
I don't want to live in this world and the only reason I'm still alive is for my kids,
So any suggestions before I spray my brains all over the wall.
|
self.bipolar
|
Lithium, lamictal and Vynanse? So I'm due to start this medication combo within the next week, does anyone else take the same medication combo? If so, how is it going for you? I've had untreated ADHD since childhood, finally got diagnosed a month ago and vynanse has been added my medication regime.
I'm hoping it will give me the motivation to do all the adulty boring stuff I need to get sorted.
|
self.bipolar
|
Does anyone here miss elementary school I find that I often dream of going back to elementary school. And it’s so surreal. I’m just sitting there as a university student, and I see the familiar faces of people I used to know. I feel an intimacy of some sort. Like it feels a little embarrassing, but in a good and open way. When I compare it to my life now, I just feel very sad. Back then, we knew everyone in our class. I could do and say whatever I wanted. Now, when I go to work I barely know anybody. I sit in my chair all day, staring at a screen. No one wants to talk to me about personal things that matter. It’s all about work that I could barely give a shit about. I miss recess. I miss having friends. Now everything's just messed up. Too much anxiety and weird health issues. Man I don't know...
|
self.depression
|
I can't Take Feeling Like This One more Day I went off my meds for a few days (dumb i know) My doctor convinced me to stay on them one more month but I'm in hell. I'm exhausted, every little inconvenience makes me want to cry i want to sleep, i'm so tired.
I just want to be off these meds but a month seems way too long.
|
self.bipolar
|
I regret not killing myself when I was 17. I'm 22 now and I wish I had killed myself when I was 17. I had everything planned but I stupidly and voluntarily went to a hospital to be institutionalized. Fast track to the present and I fucking hate my life. My life has always sucked and nothing is getting better. I wake up bitter and angry everyday that I am alive. I wish I had an opportunity to kill myself. Fuck everyone and fuck life.
|
self.offmychest
|
Fuck me I just took a lot of pills and I can't tell if I'm having a panic attack, or actually dying Just wanted to say thank you to you guys for helping me out even though it didn't mater in the end. Bye
Edit: I'm still here, sadly
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Depressed, lonely and suicidal thoughts but certainly don't want to act on them. My brain is messing with me. I am mainly lonely. I am certain I don't want to act on my thoughts. I try to distract myself. Any suggestions? Sometimes I watch comedy. This seems to have helped the most. But I am running out of comedians I know.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I practice suicide options often When I've been really depressed, and I start to not want to do anything and hate my life, I use my airsoft pistol and pretend it's a real gun and pull the trigger in my mouth. Or take a rope and place it around my neck and pull on it. I'm too much of a coward to do anything, and the thought of how my family would react with my suicide keeps me from doing anything. However, just the thought of ending it and having that control for once in my life sounds so appealing. I guess I'll just keep waiting for things to work out
|
self.depression
|
Just a small story So I’m a journalism major and my roommates know that I want to do Broadcasting for my career for sports. One of my roommates said to me as me and another roommate were talking about it and he said “what’re you gonna do when you get into you’re career because you’re ugly. Like really though, all the guys you see on tv are decent to good looking but you’re ugly.” I just played it off but that hurt so much , that night I cried all night and was one of the first nights I actually considered suicide
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm depressed and suicidal but could this be the reason? (idk where to post) First of all, I am depressed and suicidal also I am a male who has always wanted to be female (transgender), my parents don't want me to be, could this be why I'm depressed and suicidal?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Well it finally happened, my friends are cutting me out They ignore my messages and stopped inviting me. Occasionally I get one-word texts. Some of those friends i introduced to each other. no i have no one, damn
|
self.depression
|
that moment when you know everyone if out partying but you so today i wanted to meet with a friend of mine, he than said he even is in my town (he moved a couple of month ago) so i was like "nice"
when he is in my town he usually meets with other friends of his who he plays online with alot, i would say these people arent really friends of mine but i like to hang out with them, so more like buddys i can get drunk with lol
so i ask him what they are going to to and he told me its one of these guys birthday, so i write him and wish him a happy birthday and ask if there is something going on today, he says "yeah drinking at my place" i ask if i can come and he says nah probably not as there are already a lot of people coming
it shouldnt bother me as i dont really do stuff with him often and its totally fine as its his birthday and he wants people there he consideres his friends you get me?
but still this really fucks with my mood, the last weeks i have been really well emotionaly but now i feel like the depression comes back
but atleast i somehow know why, sooo ...
|
self.depression
|
I think i'm going crazy. (assuming i'm not already there) [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
I obsess over things way too much and when i find nothing to obsess about i go to panick mode [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I feel so worthless My next therapy session isn't until Tuesday and I don't know who else to talk to. I'm so sorry, I'm just screwing up majorly over here. I'm trying my hardest. I just have zero motivation right now and I feel so so so incredibly bad I can't even put it into words and because of this it's so hard to focus on my thesis. I try, I do a little bit every day and it's not enough. It's not. My mom asked me if I would have a part ready by tomorrow and I had to tell her no. She said she doesn't understand. I just want to cry. They're doing everything in their power to help me, hiring people to proof read and getting me back into therapy and I'm still letting them down. They're trying so hard and I'm still fucking up. I'm down to eating one meal a day and have so much trouble getting out of bed. I just really want to hurt myself because I deserve it but my parents are home so they would notice. I don't know what to do, this somehow makes me even less productive. I just want to die, really no one deserves to suffer because of me anymore. I try so hard but it's not enough obviously. I am freaking out, sorry for posting, I just honestly don't know what else to do.
|
self.depression
|
Sometimes I just NEED a day off, but I can't skip classes Sometimes I just can't do it. I just wake up and I don't want to deal with a day.
I'm not asking for much, just a day off like once every two months where I don't do anything or answer to anyone. I can't take it, doing the same thing day in, day out, until the day I die. I just NEED this day to breathe. I can't keep doing this. I just want to curl up and disappear. How do people handle just doing the same thing everyday over and over and over and over and over?
I don't care. I'm skipping class today. I'll go crazy if I have to handle the outside world much longer.
|
self.depression
|
I need friends I just want somebody to fucking care about me, im just so lonely. Ive given up on life. Ive never had a girlfriend and im turning 16. Im just a useless pile of shit that just plays video games alone. Ive never had a friend that cares for me. I constantly fall out with my family and i cut myself. I cant take it anymore. I dont want professional help or anything i just need a friend or anyone really.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I keep walking, looking like alive; but deep inside I'm just waiting for the right moment I am your typical average asian guy who never had a love from his parents, lonely, depressed, somehow sophisticated with philosophy. I had many chances to have a girlfriend but because I was so scared polluting their life; I'd rather push them away because if I really love them, I'd be happy a healthy man loving them rather than me (a mishap to a human life). Somehow, I've tried suicide but still I'm alive so I will wait for the right moment because if there's one thing still holds me that I just want to hear someone for the last time she loves me and there I will blaze a weed; laugh, cry, then sleep
you know, its funny that when I learned the philosophy of "after life", death; it scared me the very moment I accepted it but after a few months. Now, here I'd actually rather have a forever deep-sleep
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
First time reaching out. My name is Dylan, not that it matters. I'm 19 years old living in the US. I've had depression since I can remember. My first suicidal thought was in 4th grade. Yesterday I started cutting to ease the pain. All I feel is sadness, the physical pain is the only escape I have. I thought I was the worst I could be 12 months ago but oh what I wouldn't give to be that happy again. 3 weeks ago I spent a week in the psychiatric ward uninsured and that left me with a $10K medical bill that ill have to pay as a high school drop out making $12/h. I couldnt afford the follow up appointment and I'm almost out of my meds but I can't afford another month. I've given up at this point. I wanted to try for so long but I've stopped holding on to the fairy tail bullshit of it gets better. The psych ward made me so much worse. Even if I could feel like I did the day before I admited myself I would be okay. I've reached out to so many people but no one gets it. The suicide hotline dropped my call 3 minites into it about an hour ago and the last person I talked to said I should kill myself.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Fuck my mind, or brain, why do I have to feel like that?! For 5 months now Ive felt like I either MUST suicide to listen to my mind, and this feeling is so fucking scary, it feels like I am supposed to do it or I push through and feel like I am supposed to do it every fucking day.
What shall I do?!!! PLEASE THIS IS HELL, EVERYDAY, AND THE WORST IS IT OCCURED RANDOMLY, I WASNT SUICIDAL AT ALL BUT THIS FEELINGS MAKE ME FEEL I MUST DO IT.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Is it possible that I've been suffering from Depression for 13 years without realizing it? For a while now I've been able to relate to people talking about depression. Everything that they said just seemed to make sense, and they managed to encapsulate everything that I felt perfectly as though they were describing my life. But despite this I just kept on telling myself that I wasn't really Depressed, I was just sad about where I was in life, and justifiably so. It wasn't until I saw an interview with a therapist where she talked about the things that she looks out for when it comes to diagnosing depression. She said that for her the number one indicator is when someone loses interest in the things that had previously brought them Joy, For a while, I didn't see that in my own life, I couldn't remember the last time anything had really made me happy, so I couldn't remember giving that happiness up.
But then I remembered the last time when I was actually living a happy life, it was 13 years ago when I was 8. I always played some kind of sport after school and loved it, and every weekend I would have a sleepover with at least one of my friends. But then all of a sudden I just stopped. Out of nowhere all I wanted to do was go home and watch TV, I lost all interest in sports and gave them up one by one. I lost all interest in seeing friends and started to go out of my way to just be alone. I starting binging on food specifically Sugar which I just started eating non-stop every day as though it was the only thing that actually brought me any happiness.
Looking back on it now I feel like that was the age that the happiness inside me died and the lens through which I saw the world was permanently twisted out of Focus. Nothing brought me any kind of joy so I just started to run away from life, because if I couldn't find any happiness, at least I could try to avoid Misery, by simply not turning up to my own life.
Now I just sort of exist. I fuck up everything in life because I just don't see the point of trying, Suicide is looking like a better and better idea because at least that way I'm in control of something, even if it's my own Demise. The only reason that I don't do it is that I know that it will destroy my family. If I killed myself, it would only be a matter of time before my eldest Brother and my Dad did the same, and on top of that, it would absolutely destroy the lives of my Mother and my other Brother. But now I'm stuck here thinking that if I get it over with now, at least they would all have more time to process it and deal with my Suicide, and maybe then they'd be happier without a Parasite like me siphoning off their time, money, and Happiness.
Is it really possible that I've gone 13 years without realizing that I have Depression? Is it really possible that I've been so fucked up for so long that I just didn't realize that I've lost the ability to really be happy? Maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that there's something wrong with me just so that there would at least be an answer as to why and how I've managed to fuck up my life so royally over and over again. I've spent years now trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, but maybe the truth is is that I don't want to do anything because I know that there is no way for me to possibly be Happy, so the only thing that really looks good to me is to escape and to run away and to avoid the real world and just forget about the reality that I'm trapped in.
|
self.depression
|
I love my family, but they are dragging me down So much has happened in my family over the last 10 years. They have gone from my soft place to land to this roiling knot in my stomach that never goes away completely. My mom was diagnosed with an aggressive, resistant form of psoriatic arthritis. The meds doctors put her on and her depression caused her to completely lose touch with her life -- including becoming an opiate addict. She has since quit the meds and is healthier now, but she refuses to admit she was ever addicted. She refused to let anyone help her during that time... my dad and I just had to sit back and watch her slowly kill herself, because she responded with almost violent hostility if you did anything to try to help or confront her. I remember so many times when she was driving to pick my sister up from middle school and nodding out at the wheel. I went with her every time because I was terrified she would kill herself, my sister, or someone else. I remember trying to talk to her while she nodded out at the kitchen table, burning holes in the tablecloth with her cigarette and mumbling nonsense in response to my words. She refuses to admit this ever even happened. This ultimately caused me to essentially "run away" into the arms of a total douchebag piece of garbage who more or less left me homeless after 3 months and learning he couldn't control me. Yet I stayed homeless until I found my way clear because it was better than watching her die. During that time she became septic from a spider bite and was hospitalized for 3 months, had multiple surgeries, and literally died on the operating table twice. I didn't even know because I didn't have a phone and had little contact with my family at the time.
I feel enormous guilt for not being there for her, and especially for not being there for my younger siblings, who were in their mid and early teens at the time. They had such a rough time while she was in the hospital. It was a scary and terrible time for them and they had essentially no one because right before I bugged out my mom filed for divorce from my dad, and he had bugged out too...
During the time my mom was hospitalized, my dad had succumbed to severe addiction problems of his own. He had become emotionally abusive (not the dad I grew up with) in the last couple of years of their marriage because he felt trapped and angry at watching my mom self-destruct. He became erratic and irresponsible (again, *not* the dad I grew up with). He "forgot" to pay the mortgage on the home I grew up in for 27 years... "forgot" long enough that my mom and siblings got evicted two weeks after my mom came home from the hospital. When I left, I had no idea I would never be able to see my home again... my *home*... the only home I remember, the place I still think of as my home years later. I don't know if I can forgive him for that, and I don't know what to do with that because I still love him so much.
I can't bring myself to stay angry at him because while all of this was going on, my dad was finally admitting to himself that he is gay. It took him years to come out to the rest of us. It hurts that he didn't think he could tell us. But what hurts more is all the terrible things he did in the interim. He did drugs, he stole from my family, he drained my & my siblings' education savings that my grandparents had set up for us to go to college to pay for drugs & alcohol and whatever else. He was suicidal and duplicitous. I was afraid for his life every day and I knew he was hiding something but I just didn't know *what*. But despite all of that, I feel for him. At almost 60, he finally realized that his whole life had been a lie, that he had never gotten to be the person he really was and now never would really fully get that chance. I feel devastated for him. I wish I could give him back the time he lost, wish I could give him a chance to start over and still have his life in front of him. But I can't and now all his pain is nothing but an object lesson in being yourself, no matter what anyone thinks. That rings so hollow.... it seems like such a heartbreaking waste.
But I *am* still mad at him. I am mad that he wasn't a stronger man. I'm mad that he lied to us so much for so long. He was my hero... no matter what happened, I knew my dad always had my back. And now that man is gone and that hero has been proven to be a huge, terrible lie. He faced a horrible situation and he dealt with it in the most shitty way possible.
But, so did I. I am mad at myself. I'm mad that I wasn't a stronger person, that I didn't stick it out to be there for my mom and my siblings when they needed me the most. I am mad that I have ALWAYS ran away when things got too crazy, when I didn't know what else to do and I felt trapped. I was a difficult teen and I damaged my relationships with so many people in my family. My parents have forgiven me, but I can't help but think that if I had not caused so much strife, none of this would have exploded the way it did. I weakened the whole structure of our family, so that when the shit hit the fan my family didn't just buckle or cave, it violently exploded.
And now its in tiny bits that can never be put back together again. I have lost my family forever, but I still see all the pieces of it lying around, like a mockery of the whole... My mom is still there, denying that she ever had any part in anything that happened, polishing her halo, looking down on my father with disgust and feeding my sister lies about him (as if he needed any help looking bad). My brother is still there, distant and unwilling to engage on anything more than a superficial level. My sister is still there, blindly worshiping my "poor disabled mother" and hating my "evil, malignant father". My father is still there, a broken shell of himself who will never really be whole. But all of the pieces are irrevocably changed and they will never fit together again. My family has died and I have spent years feeling absurdly like somehow, things are going to settle down and everything will be okay. But it isn't okay. It just gets worse because none of the problems get fixed or even talked about honestly, they just fester and rot.
I don't know what to do. I miss them and I love them, but it is agonizing, maddening to be around them. I can't talk to them about any of this because every time I have tried, it has ended in a screaming fight(my sister & mom) or outright denial (my mom & dad) and I become the villain. I can't talk to anyone about this because no one understands and I don't think it would help anyway and I don't want to burden other people with this horrible, tangled, tawdry mess. I worry on this constantly, it is always in the back of my mind, always distracting me, always this taunt hum of tension that never goes away. It gets in my way, it keeps me from focusing, it keeps me from sleeping, it keeps me exhausted.
Thank you for listening. I don't know what to do with all of this, the pressure just builds and builds... I feel like I am full to overflowing, full to bursting and soon I will explode and the irrevocably broken pieces of me will mirror the irrevocably broken pieces of my family.
|
self.offmychest
|
Is coffee helping/worsening your depression? I have major depressive disorder. I'm 21 and in college. It's tough going through the day without coffee to jolt me. But I have been noticing that my thoughts and behaviour worsen when I drink coffee, and I drink 3-5 cups a day just to wake me up and at least I think it helps me get moving and get the job done. A few hours after drinking, I get anxious. My thoughts run through every bad thing that happened or I have done, every task that I haven't done/achieved, how my life sucks and it sucks up my energy that I end up not finishing or doing anything at all. I want to stop but I'm afraid I can't last through college without coffee because I'm always sleepy, unmotivated and for some reason tired. Are you experiencing or have experienced this as well? What did you do?
|
self.depression
|
I think I might get fired soon So, there isn't any proof of this, just snippets of a conversation I heard between one of the partners at my firm and the HR lady... I haven't gotten in trouble per say, but I didn't stay late to finish a project one day last week, instead finishing it first thing in the morning, and that apparently ruffled the feathers of the partner whose conversation I overheard. I apologized for the inconvenience and thought that was that. But today I overheard her (the partner) and HR talking about replacing someone and saying they would need to get them in before January (I work at an accounting firm so this is when work starts picking up again for my position). I don't particularly like this job, in fact, I hate it and the people I work with, but it pays really well and has great benefits. Currently I'm the sole provider for my household (boyfriend and me), so this adds an extra stress onto this situation. We don't have anything in savings and have been living paycheck to paycheck for a while. My boyfriend literally just started his new job today and we're trying to save up to move back to our home city. I don't have a degree and was able to get this job through my boyfriend's mom. My yearly evaluation that I had last month went well and these same two people (partner and HR) didn't have anything bad to say except that they wanted me to expand my role in the firm, which I'm comfortable doing. I'm sorry for the wall of text but I just feel so anxious and I can't decide if I'm being paranoid or not. I don't know what my next steps should be. I hope they don't fire me before Christmas....
|
self.offmychest
|
you're not supposed to be happy wakeup eat school eat home videogames eat sleep repeat
my entire life for a decade if you think it's an exaggeration i have a combined hour total of 14,000 hours on steam in 7 years it doesn't even count time spent on snes n64 ps1 ps2 ps3 ps4 wii wiiu emulators etc my life is a fucking joke and i'm beyond caring i skip college classes every day so i can spend another hour leveling my witch hunter in grim dawn or try and 100% hollow knight for the 3rd time or beat mario 64 for the 100th time i drink 4+ monsters a day regularly and i hope it kills me at some point if i run slightly too fast my veins will probably explode been in therapy for 4 years but talking to someone just makes you think about what they did right and what you did and are doing wrong sure you might learn some neat tricks about your latent self destructive behavior but it really doesn't do too much then i go home and think about what actually is a reason to live the thing that made me happiest in highschool besides videogames was my rabbit and he's dead now so what is there really just videogames is that what i was born to do when i pass people on the street i automatically feel self loathing when i see how they look and act and i think about how i look and act so let's consider that for almost everyone the primary reason to live is familial social and romantic connection but when you don't care about any of the three and everyone has a general disdain for you anyhow you can't form any so i guess i was born to play videogames and i reject that so i'll end my life at some point in the future you can't really change my mind in any way at all
good job reading that except you probably didn't
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
This time I really thought I was cured.. For the past four months I've held down a part time job and it's been enough to pay my bills. I've actually had extra money in my bank account for the first time in years. I felt stable and secure. My job wasn't so bad either. I barely had to do anything and I got to sit down for 8 hour shifts.
For the past few weeks though, I've been feeling really low. Winter is never a good time for me. I couldn't really call in sick to work because they're so short staffed, so I made it to every shift. I hated it more every day but I was still managing.
Last week my boss asked me to do something I didn't feel comfortable doing, so I told him that. He told me I could either do what he asked, or he would find someone to replace me. I knew that wasn't legal so I didn't do what was asked. Yesterday I went into work and received a formal letter from him stating a few mistakes I made recently. It went on to say that if I received two more notices like this, I would be terminated. To me this felt like him trying to get back at me for refusing to do what he asked last week, so naturally I lost my shit and quit.
I don't know how much I regret my decision but I'm so depressed right now and it's going to be difficult to find a new job. Why is it so difficult to just suck it up and be normal? Lots of people have jobs they don't like. I feel like I've ruined what I had going for me and now I'm back to square one again.
What techniques do you all use to keep going when it becomes difficult to work?
|
self.bipolar
|
Does anyone else feel like anxiety is less a mental preoccupation now for them yet they still experience a lot of physical symptoms, almost subconsciously ?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Random Relentless Anger? Do you guys ever wake up feeling like you hate the entire fucking world? Ya know, you just hate everybody and everything, yourself, most of all. I’m typically a fairly positive/accepting person, but I just woke up and want to hate everything. My husband and I have been arguing all day, and I don’t know how to make the anger stop. I wasn’t angry yesterday. I wasn’t angry the day before. It just popped up out of nowhere. Do you ever experience it? How do you handle it?
I’m BP2, if that helps.
|
self.bipolar
|
My grandparent's dog died. I know it doesn't seem like a huge deal, and it's not like I'm bawling over it, but it's making me feel kind of weird. I mean, I have memories from before he was born, but I was only a toddler. My grandparents live a few states over, so going to their house is always really fun, and seeing their dog was a big part of it. He'd been sick for a while, so it's not like I didn't see it coming. I just feel awful for my grandparents, since he was like a child to them. This has also made me scared for my own dog, who's almost 16 years old (although she doesn't have any immediate health risks, other than being deaf). Thanks for listening.
|
self.offmychest
|
Newly diagnosed (bipolar-newbie) (long post) I am recently diagnosed bipolar (as in only one month ago!). Had some big, overwhelming, crappy life events and started SSRI anti-depressant, together which induced an intense hypomania episode. I am now back to depressed again.
Except now I realize HOW depressed I am, and how depressed I have been. It was a lot easier to get by when I didn't have the amazing confident, connected, dynamic, loving, competent, euphoric, joyful period to compare this crushed, apathetic, isolated, self-doubting, confused, guilt-ridden, tired, grey existence to.
Has really turned my life upside down. Was a workaholic. Now on medical leave. Being hit with the realization of how much of my life decisions I have screwed up, and how much (and who) I have neglected. Feeling very isolated and disconnected from my spouse; spouse is trying to be supportive, but I feel invisible, like there is no emotional connection or understanding. And I feel pathetic and guilty.
I'm not suicidal. I'm taking all my medications, on time and everything (thanks MyTherapy app). I'm going to all my appointments, doing all my therapy homework, trying my hardest to be an ideal patient and to recover. Researching the hell out of bipolar disorder, reading all the things, tracking moods (thanks Daylio app), writing, trying to reach out and be communicative. Hugging my kid (my true joy, even in this grey).
Not sure what I'm asking exactly, except... It does get better right? I am really terrified that this is going to be an uphill battle forever. That I'm never going to really feel confident, competent or connected ever again. That the ugly side of bipolar statistics will be me, instead of the success story ones. That now I will never be really a whole person, a competent adult, instead getting 'are you sure you took your meds' at any moment. The stigma of the words Bipolar, too - will I be a confident face of mental health awareness and acceptance, or always in the shadow of 'I shouldn't have told them what I have'.
Yikes. What a book. Can you tell I like control and all this unknown future is "driving me crazy" (pun intended)?
Looking for advice, empathy, and connection. And success stories, if you've got 'em. Thanks <3
|
self.bipolar
|
Reconnecting with people I’ve been depressed for so long that it’s hard to reach out. I’ve isolated and I’m trying to reconnect but need some help. I feel stupid when I text people and am not sure what to say. I text a new friend hey what’s up and they responded but how do I go from there?
|
self.depression
|
Does anyone else ever think this sometimes? You just don’t want to exist but you don’t want to die. Kind of just want to sit at home and do nothing and let everyone else live their lives. You don’t really bother them or have them bother you. Just kind of do nothing. Does anyone else feel this once in a while?
|
self.depression
|
Manic The past few days I’ve been VERY HYPER, “manic” as my Mom calls it.
I’m obsessively posting on social media, I’m probably somewhat psychotic. After all, I was thinking Taylor Swift is watching me and wants to be in a relationship with me. :P
It sounds ridiculous, but I honestly believe it! LOL
I’ve been up all night, sleeping during the day. My schedule was all messed up.
However, last night I was back to normal.
But I fell asleep with my light on. So my Mom keeps texting and calling me. She woke me up out of a sound sleep telling me I’m “manic”. She said “I’m on the computer half the night”, “making videos all day long”, “not sleeping”, “not interacting”, I’m “addicted”
She said I need to ask my doctors how to break the mania, otherwise, I’ll crash. And I was literally SOUND ASLEEP. I was doing nothing wrong.
If my Mom and Step-Dad weren’t so unbearable to be around, maybe I’d come out of my room and have a normal sleep schedule.
So now I'm sleeping while they're awake, and I'm awake while they're sleeping. It's like working nights. (Joking) LOL
And I’m not taking any more medication, I’m already on a mega regimen.
|
self.offmychest
|
I was unsure for a while if I was part of this community, and now I feel like I am Finally joined you guys, my depression has surpassed anything else about me...
It has taken over me, and no one else can see that, because it's only inside me, and a lot of times I can talk with a pessimistic tone, and people just make fun of it, because I'm the class clown, and while it doesn't ANNOY me that much, they really don't know how close I am to killing myself (not because of them making fun of it).
It might sound bad that I finally know that I have depression, but at least I'm part of a community now, a community that loves me for who I am!
Edit: One thing that genuinely makes me happy though, is the fact that I'm getting really high grades, and am respected for my intelligence, but I have a bad personality.
|
self.depression
|
Am I a failure that can't do anything right in my life? I was born with an Imperforate Anus, which mean i don't have an anus when i was born. My parent sold their house to try to fix me. After 6 years on and off the hospital, i finally got a surgery to fix that but it come with its own problem, i can't really control my bowel. I grow up with that situation where i don't know when i'm going to take a dump. It may sound silly, but shitting your pants at a teenager and have them laughing at you is not a comfortable at the slightest. I tried my best at school but i never really excel, whenever i fail something people would told me that my family spent everything on me and i turn out like this, that i'm a burden to everyone. My closet friend move away when i was 12 and was left alone without any friends for a long time. That was when i started feeling depressed. I live with that depression my whole life, but i did a very good job hiding it, no one know i have it, because i always laughing and joking in class and at work. However, when the night come and i was alone with my thought, i always think of myself at a failure and i deserve to die, but i keep pushing on. I finally have a close group of friends, those that i can called my brothers, and thing was good, for a while.
I had to move to the US with my family 3 years ago, leaving all my friends and my grandfather behind. In the US, i was alone, having no friend, my family scatter around, barely speaking the language and have to survive by myself, then the depression come back. There are many days that i want to end everything, but somehow i can still keep going. Everyday was as dark as the other, until the day i talked to her. She was my classmate in High school back in my country, we barely talk to each other on facebook, i used to like her back then but she already in a relationship so i didn't start anything then. One day i chatting her up on facebook, she told me about her divorce, how her husband treated her badly. I was there to talk to her, to share everything with her, and before i know it i fell in love with her, and she fell for me. We started a relationship, and those were the best days of my life. We can talk about everything, can joke about everything, we are just like best friend that love each other, everything was perfect. I waited for 6 months before i can comeback to my country to visit her and my friends. That 1 months with them i could never forget.
After i got back to the US, i worked my ass off so i can build an actual future with her, and started to talk less because of my schedule. She told my that she was pregnant with my baby a month after i got back to the US, i was overjoy when heard that news. But bad thing keep happening to me, she had a miscarriage and lost our baby. We cried, a lot. Every night i dreamed of a kid who keep following me, i asked them who are they, and they told me "Why can't i live with you and mom, why can't we be together?". I cried my eyes out every single night. I tried to work harder so thing like that would never happen again, I thought that by doing it i can marry her and we can live together forever, but she thought that i was avoid her and no longer love her, but never tell me how she felt. There was that 1 extremely bad week when i was pressured by my school, my family, and my job, i barely sleep and had no energy to function. She also had a bad week and want to talk to me about it, however i was to tired to talk to her properly and i just half-assed talking to her. And that was the breaking point, she thought i no longer love her and her feeling for me started to go away. After that one week i began talking to her normally again, but she didn't seem like she want to talk. She said that she was sick and don't want to talk so i told her to remember to take her medicine, i dont want her to get sick, and i stopped calling her, yet still message her everyday. She never reply. One day I asked her and she told me that she no longer love me.
The whole world crashing down on me. I begged, I cried, I explained to her everything, she wouldn't give me a chance. I was gonna ask her to marry me next summer, now everything is gone. I cried for the whole week, many time i was so close to commiting suicide but i held back because maybe i can still win her back. So I kept caring for her, talking to her although she never reply. I thought if I show her how much i really love her she will change her mind. Until one day i found out she already got a new lover before she broke up with me, and that crushed me. I asked her if she has anything going on with that person, and she agressively refused to answer. She told me that do i want to control her, that i always think what i want to think and never listen to her, she never did anything wrong, and she can answer it but she doesn't want to. My heart broke, i just want her to admit it herself so i know that she is still truthful with me, but she couldn't do it. I show her the proof and she change her tone, she said she couldn't lie to me so she couldn't said no. I felt like she has been lying to me for a long time. But i can't bring myself to be angry at her, i still love her so much. She came to me when i was in my darkest moments, she was the hope, the light that help me overcome everything. When she left, she took away all of that, now i'm alone with my own depression, when my mom saw me crying because of her, she told me to kill myself. I was closer to the edge than ever, i just want her back, i begged her and her new lover to let her comeback to me, that obviously failed. I talked to a lot of people, they all tell me that this will past, just try to forget her, everything will be fine .etc. I tried to go on with my normal life but she keep popping up in my head, her voice, her face, her smell, everything, and the depression hit. My kid comeback in my dream and asked me "Why mom and dad fight? Why you are not together anymore?". I tried to keep pushing on, I really did, but I can't imagine living a life without her. I can be working and studying 1 moment, and broke down the next moment because her memories came back in my head. I can't keep it going any longer and this time i think i will going through with it. All the pain and humiliation i suffered when i was young, the pain of being away from my friends, the pain of losing my kid, and the pain of losing my love, my hope is too much to bear any longer.
|
self.depression
|
Mom. I just told my mom that I want to die, and she told me to die. I guess I will.
|
self.offmychest
|
I give up trying to make friends. Nobody can deal with me. It's so hard to love me and be my friend. I want to be alone so I can die without anyone caring.
|
self.depression
|
I can't fucking do this anymore I fucking hate myself and all the options around me. Over the past year I've started skipping college and not doing homework but my parents have yelled at me for that. I am 17 and do basically dual enrollment but am in all college classes, but I fucking hate it. I don't even know why, I just fucking hate school. The word school makes me want to punch something. I had a photo assignment due later today but I haven't taken any photos for it. I just want to drop out of school and fucking sleep for the rest of my life. Actually, I play video games and stream them and have a somewhat decent viewership but my parents don't support that so they shut off the internet at 10:30 every night so I rarely get to play. If I did somehow manage to drop out of school my parents would be fucking vultures and I probably wouldn't even be able to play my computer. Honestly my only escape from all this shit is work, where I at least have a few friends. I just don't know how much longer I'll be able to do this, my mom thinks I do drugs because I leave my window open, also thinks I no longer believe in Christianity -- which I don't -- seeing as to how they force me to church for the past 3 years. I'm sure I'm forgetting something in here but this is a very quick overview of my life and it probably doesn't even look that bad but I fucking hate it, my parents talk to me like I'm going to go to a different college after high school but I don't even know if I'm gonna finish high school. I just want to fucking scream at someone or drive a car down the fucking highway.
|
self.depression
|
Why am I still alive :( So before I made a post saying that I did lose my job and I was very angry at myself and etc. People gave me some advice and I did appreciate them but unfortunately, I still got no callbacks I got some interviews but I know that goes they just interview me and they never call me back. Why am I even trying? I know I will never get a chance anymore cause I know no one will hire me. I really want to give up I really do why am I still alive after people making fun of me in my past even teachers made fun of me like why did people really wanted to hurt me in the past. All I want to do now and just sit there and just wait for something to happen.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Disabled, hours away from a training trip abroad and all I can do is get drunk and wish that I could end it all right now, I just want to die.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I am scared of dying I've had 3 panic attacks today. Sometimes my left hand just starts to tingle and i have this sharp chest pain, feel like fainting and out of breath. I've had really bad anxiety about my health for a month now, but just now these chest pains have started.
I'm scared that I'm going to die. Two weeks ago had EKG done, and it came back fine. I just feel like it wasn't accurate and there is something wrong with me. Is this anxiety or something worse?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Amy, stop ordering pizzas to my address I don't know who you are, but this is the third Sunday in a row a pizza guy has come to my door with a pizza, with your name on the receipt.
Quite frankly I'm bewildered at what your endgame is. You never get the pizzas but you keep ordering them, I assume you pay for them, it's a minor inconvenience for me, and a major inconvenience for the delivery driver.
I would keep the pizzas myself, but I feel like that would fall into your trap.
And I'm not playing your game, Amy.
|
self.offmychest
|
I feel like the only adult in my life As the title states, I feel like I'm the only adult in my life. I'll try my best not to rant here.
At work, I'm constantly having to address issues with employees not taking care of property or making preventable mistakes. I get in arguments with my boss on almost a daily basis because he doesn't listen to anyone and takes actions based on what he interprets.
When I get home, I have the exact same problems. My wife is always upset at me because she thinks I'm always pointing out her mistakes instead of ignoring them. The thing is, I do ignore a lot of things but there's some things I can't ignore. Leaving a dirty diaper sitting out or going out and not locking the door are big things to me that I feel should be addressed. There are some small things (I'l admit they are minor) that I bring up because they are repeated annoyances, like leaving the bathroom door wide open where it blocks two other doors.
There's so many more areas that I can discuss like this and I can see where my wife feels like I'm always pointing out problems, but in my mind I get upset that I bring something up the first time and it keeps happening over and over with complete disregard that it bothers me and occupies my mind.
With all that being said, it's gone on at work and at home for so long that I feel like my mental health is going down the drain fast. I've dealt with depression before where I felt suicidal and I know that I'm headed into that dark place again. I just want someone in my life to step up as I have to help me carry this load of being a mature adult. Someone that listens when I say we have a problem and actually makes an effort to correct the problem. Someone to recognize how hard it is for me to be the only one that cares about the details that impact the big picture. Someone to think for themselves and have pride in something.
I don't know if I'm asking too much or not enough. The only thing I know right now is how it's affecting me and it isn't good. Thank you for reading and sorry I made this post so long.
|
self.offmychest
|
Good way to get out I am looking for information on fatal prescription drug combinations. I have a few at hand. What would be best to take for a fatal reaction
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Does anyone spend a lot of time watching YouTube or TV? I watch Trisha Paytas (I even watch her vlog channel), Shane Dawson, Drew Monson, Pewdiepie, Glam & Gore, Gigi Gorgeous, The Amazing Atheist, and Jenna Marbles.
in the past month, I watched: Stranger Things 2, Making a Murderer, 2 seasons of The Office (I don't like it).
|
self.depression
|
When I want to hurt myself I draw a smiley or a heart on my arm. I see it every time I look at my arm, it helps me reminding I'd better care about myself.
|
self.depression
|
“Seek help” “Seek help”
“Talk to someone”
“See a therapist”
What if I told you that my depression developed WHILE I was in therapy for related issues? What if I told you that talking to someone about it just makes me feel like more of a burden?
This is what bugs me about the general public’s perception of mental illness. People tend to believe that getting professional help or being put on meds will solve all your problems. No one wants to acknowledge that these things don’t work for everybody.
Even worse is people who say stuff like, “you are loved”, “you are worth it”, “you can come to me”. And worst of all are those who try to guilt you out of depression; “you’re hurting the people who love you”, “suicide is the most selfish thing you can consider”. Thank you for reminding me that my mental illness is worse for you than it is for me.
The other day, I saw a bumper sticker on the car in front of me. “#stopsuicide”. What do these people think this will accomplish? The answer is, nothing. They say these things, they display those bumper stickers, in order to look like a caring and concerned individual to the rest of the world. They want to be known as people who care, as people who help prevent suicide, but they don’t actually do anything except repeat those useless mantras over and over again.
“Seek help”. It works for some. Professional help is an excellent thing and everyone deserves it. But if it doesn’t work for someone, that individual is brushed under the rug as a failure of the bumper sticker movement.
|
self.depression
|
Went to the cinema alone again I hate it I feel like shit
Everyone at work went out drinking and of course they didn't invite me so I went to the cinema alone
I hate my life so much
|
self.depression
|
Fear of illness leading to deeper general anxiety and panic The last couple weeks of ramped up my anxiety so badly, I'm so afraid of the flu. Every sniffle from my kids, every time someone mentions feeling tired or rundown or a slight ache, my stomach churns and my throat tightens. I'm terrified of my kids getting the flu. Or myself and my husband getting it. To make things worse, it's mentioned daily on the news. I also work with seniors, and we have daily calls for cancelled appointments because they're sick or even in the hospital from the flu.
I've always suffered from mild, generalized anxiety, and it's gotten better with time. I also suffer from SAD, so these months are always hard for me. I fell into postpartum anxiety with my first child in 2014, taking a few months to level out, and again to a lesser extent with my second in October. I was feeling good lately. We have so much good going for us, and I try to keep sight of that.
My fear and panic about the flu has led to other triggers coming up that didn't before. I'm afraid something will happen to my girls. Or to me and they'll lose me forever. These thoughts have always been there, but small enough that I could will them away. But my fear has given them room to grow, and it's getting harder and harder to quiet the panic.
I'm just venting, I suppose. I've not been able to go to therapy since high school, but maybe it's time again. It feels a bit better, voicing my feelings here. Thanks for reading.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'M THE DUMBEST PERSON ALIVE I've been trying to learn to program for a long time with little success. I'm extremly bad at focusing, I already know most of the basic stuff and some oop concepts, and couple dts and algos.
I tend every once in a while to change of programming language because I feel scared of doing things wrong, I started with php a lot of time ago did some basic stuff, and then switched to js where I did a crud app with node.js, but then most of the blogs i used to read about node were constantly talking about new things coming in the rapidly changing javascript world, and I felt really bad because I haven't mastered one thing when new things were about to come out, now once again I changed to c#, where I have learned most of the basic stuff, and I'm trying to move to asp.net core, but i feel like I don't understand anything most of the time I see myself googling.
I'm also sorry. I know the things I wrote don't make any sense, I'm a esl learner.
|
self.depression
|
6 months into relationship, boyfriend's parents say they are worried about him dating me [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
I don't really know how to title this. I guess "I'm stagnating"? So, I'm pretty much just going to spew this onto the page, sorry for the inconvenience caused for anyone who actually reads this shit
I've just come out of my year 12 exams a few weeks ago (am australian) and as is customary, freshly graduated year 12s go on a little holiday to the coast with their mates to get fucked up and have fun. Only, I wasn't invited to any of these things. None of my mates in any of my groups thought it worthwhile to tell me that they were planning shit until after everything was set and booked. Of course by this time I can't get leave from work and can't visit the airbnb for a couple days like they suggest. And the more I sit alone in my room staring at my computer monitor I just think about how little I'm experiencing as a teenager. I'm doing nothing worthwhile of a story. I want to experience shit, I want to have fun, I want to make mistakes, go on adventures, see something totally fucked up. Just anything that's makes me feel like my life is worth sharing. But the fact is it's not. I'm not going on a schoolies trip. I have to get plus 1'd to parties. I've never smoked weed or done any other drugs. I haven't been to a totally out of control party where the cops get called in or other cunts start fights or just... I don't know. Anything happens. I just want something different other than waking up at 4 in the afternoon, going to work, coming home, wanking and then going to sleep for dinner. It feels like everything is black and white.
I know how wank and petty this sounds but honestly it just makes me want to fucking cry, as pathetic as that sounds. But I can't. I don't know why I can't cry.
I'm sorry to whoever had to read this, I just really needed to tell some people who might really get where I'm coming from.
|
self.depression
|
Welcome home (sanitarium) *Welcome. Welcome home*
&nbsp;
It's been a while. It’s scary out there in the world, isn't it? Unfamiliar territory. New feelings, sights and sounds. We’re sure you’ve missed us. Don’t worry, we’ll always be here for you. Have you missed us? Good.
&nbsp;
We know of the pain and torment we inflict on you. It doesn’t make us happy, but it’s what we are. Embrace it. Let the darkness engulf you. Let go. Let all pretense of control, normality or even sanity go. Just for a little bit. There you are. Let go. Relax. We’re here for you. Feel the pain? The overwhelming sense of worthlessness and despair? Good. It hurts you say? Yes, yes we know. Nonetheless, it’s familiar isn’t it? It hurts. But it hurts so good.
&nbsp;
It’s like meeting an old friend, wouldn’t you say? For so much of your life, it’s what has defined you. You wouldn’t be you but for the darkness. Let it go. Don’t resist, it just makes it worse than need be. Embrace the pain. Make it yours. Welcome. Welcome home. Stay a while. Relax. Let it go.
&nbsp;
*Cont;nue*
|
self.bipolar
|
Was in a relationship, fell in love with someone else. Now I'm out of that relationship but I obviously "friendzoned" this person I'm in love with so as to not be disloyal to ex. Now I can't undo it. I "friendzoned" this person I'm in love with because I was in a relationship at the time. This person I’m in love with, let’s call them “J”, we’ve been talking since August. Anyway, my relationship was bad and abusive and I ended it last month.
Because I held J at arm’s length,they basically think there'll never have a chance with me even though, though J refuses to make it explicit at all (I suspect they feel they'd rather die than admit it), they are very clearly into me and the flirtation is reaaaal lol. J and I are still good friends though and we talk often.
Fast forward to more recently and J is flirting with someone new, maybe to try and get over me IF they have feelings for me. How can I even blame them for that? It hurts a LOT but I don't want to risk confessing my feelings for them because they might reject me. I've tried before with J to be more emotionally forthcoming but they're not good with emotions - I’ve said more general things to let them know my feelings, “I love being friends with you/I love talking to you.” They now find it difficult to say these things to me, but are upset when I seem to be not giving them attention and make it clear in their actions that they want to be close to me.
I hate myself because I did this. I friendzoned them when I was lowkey in love with them and now I can't take it back. To "hold them at arm's length", I deliberately created a relationship with J that was based on being (jokingly) *mean* to each other/roasting each other but it meant there was little room for being emotionally honest or kind. This was in response in the beginning to them teetering on being extremely flirtatious and their attraction was very apparent. I was scared that my ex (Who is abusive) would find out so I tried to control the situation and remain friends with J without making them think they'd have a shot with me (at this point I was still desperately trying to make my relationship work with my ex).
Anyway, they eventually "got the message" but now they’ve got to the extreme with this “mean dynamic" between us. Interactions between us now revolve mostly around being "unkind"/roasting each other. Recently they've taken it too far as well, and their jokes can be VERY personal, jokes implying I’m ugly, undateable (they know I just got out of a relationship too), that I’m cold and “have no soul” etc. I tried telling them their jokes go too far and hurt,and how I’m sensitive right now, and they said they "didn't mean it/they're a nice person" but the jokes continue anyway.
I hate myself because I did this. I pushed away someone I think I've fallen in love with, or at least am intensely crushing on. Now as much as I try to be kind to this person to restore things almost to how they were in the beginning between us, they're still just not the same with me (the way they used to be).
Recently I feel used by them. I feel like I bother them when I talk to them (but my therapist said that’s likely just my own stuff/social anxiety). I'm struggling on what to believe - whether they actually like anything about me, or just who I am (they've alluded to the fact that they love certain physical characteristics about me, my nationality, my accent, that kind of thing). It’s difficult to interpret but I don’t know if they genuinely have any interest in who I am as a person, but rather, how I seem like a “trophy” to them (believe me, I don’t think this). Do they actually like me for me or because they're attracted to me?
If it was just the latter, wouldn’t they have given up and stopped talking to me by now, realising they didn’t have a chance? They are not kind in their words but their actions signal they want to be close to me sometimes. I'm getting mixed signals. They do make an effort to talk to me, they send me morning snaps sometimes, I mentioned once that I'm interested in seeing what they eat and they make a point to take photos of whatever they eat (even if it's just cereal lol). A few weeks ago they made up a bogus reason to spend eight hours with me over two days to "help" them with something they didn't need me for/I have no knowledge of at all. Though (maybe because of my low self esteem) sometimes I've been wondering recently if they just use me when they're bored or have no one to talk to. Sometimes I do worry they're just a flirt and I may have stupidly caught feelings for someone who flirts with everyone. They seem interested in this new person now yet still interested in me. I don’t know what to do. I’m just very, very confused right now.
It hurts A LOT. To the point I feel empty and numb, can’t even cry about it. Seeing them flirt with this person last night just killed me inside. I don’t know how to continue - should I cut contact with them and try and move on? It would be less painful than this right now. There’s no way I’ll tell them how I really feel, it’s ridiculous. I know in maybe a day or two they’re probably gonna hit me up again in some way and I don’t know what to do about it. Do I ignore them? I feel like if I interacted with them right now I’d just end up being irrationally angry and attacking them when they haven’t done anything. Don’t want to do that to them.
Thanks for reading if you did. Appreciate it.
|
self.offmychest
|
Getting closer to the edge I wrote my first first suicide note when i was 5. I am 26 now. A day hasn't gone by since 1996 where I don't think about killing myself at least once. As the years go by the thoughts and the urge to end it all have only become stronger. I dont know where it took a turn for the worse, maybe it was when I quit my job that I hated, a job that paid rather well considering the fact that I never even finished college.Matter of fact I dropped out of community college twice, in one year, I'm sure that's a record somewhere. I quit my job to chase a dream, at least that's what I told myself, I dreamed of being a fighter, but after realizing I was neither good at delivering punishment or receiving it, I decided that wasn't for me. At 26 it's not like I'd be able to do anything with it anyway. I though about giving stand up comedy a shot but with this social anxiety of mines getting on stage alone is a battle itself. What I do know is that I can't live my life the way society wants me to. The thought of waking up 5 days a week to spend 40 hours doing something I absolutely hate makes me want to make down every pill I can find and hope for the best. Which in this scenario is my death. I've lived with my parents now for year and a couple of months, which doesnt help. I wish I could speak to them about these issues but they wouldnt understand, their both emigrants in their 70's from a culture that doesn't really speak on mental health. long story short. they wouldn't understand. I told my mother I had anxiety and now she thinks I have alzheimer's. I don't have any talent and I've failed at most things that I've tried. I've even picked up a "photography" hobby. Pretty much taking pictures with my phone and posting them on instagram. It keeps me busy and I enjoy it but the thoughts of suicide continue to creep in daily. I have a wonderful girlfriend which I love with all my heart, she loves me too. I'm afraid to tell her about these feelings because I'm afraid that it would drive her away. I think about killing myself mostly in the mornings or at night before going to bed. I'm not afraid to die, I've never been afraid to die. As strange as it sounds I look forward to it. and I hate that. My life doesn't look like it's ever going to move forward. I'm not close to anyone in my family, I know once my parents die I'll be all alone. Sadly though, I'm ok with that. I don't remember the last time I was happy. To be honest I'm not sure what that feels like. Sure some good things happen, but when they do I'm overwhelmed by this feeling of dread that something is going to wrong. I can't take a good thing and enjoy it, I'm such a pessimist. I hate the city that I live in, But I can't afford to leave, it's an expensive city so I can't afford to live in it either. I drive for uber full time now, and although theres an opportunity to make pretty good money in it I know I cant do that for the rest of my life, I know that when self driving cars are a thing I'm fucksville. That is if my car lasts that long. I've never been good at school, even with tutoring, so going back to school would just be a waste of money. I know I should pick a career that I love, but I don't even know what that is. I took a test once in school that said I should either become a janitor or a horse trainer, so I have that going for me lol. I'm terrible with money, but that's no one's fault but my own. I don't know what is going to happen to me, and that scares me. My insurence wont cover speaking to a psychiatrist and I obviously cant afford it. I feel like a coward. I'm more willing to kill myself than I am to face my fear of failure. I'm afraid to chase my dreams, I'm afraid of failure. Failure is all I know. I don't know what feeling proud f something means. I don't want to go back to the corporate world, that's a fate worse than death in my opinion. I don't
know who to speak with. I don't want to bother people with my issues. I just want to be happy, and I have no idea of how to do that. I tried hanging myself when I 12. but as the rope was around my neck I backed out at last minute. I thought that would be the end of suicidal thoughts, but I guess I was wrong. Life seems pointless at the moment. I feel myself getting closer and closer to the edge. I don't know how much I have left in me. I dont want to have these thoughts anymore. I want to be happy. I want to feel real joy. But sadness is what accompanies me the most. I lack purpose in this life. I don't see myself making it to 30 if things don't change. I'm just so so tired of living. I've been tired for a very long time. I don't want to end it, but the way things are going it feels like I don't have a choice.
TL;DR: I've been thinking about killing myself alot more than usual because I suck at everything
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I have been through so much in the past year, I really just need a friend to talk to who won't judge me. I met the man of my dreams on 10/22/16, he showed me that I was being emotionally and verbally abused and long story short, I made the decision to move to Dallas from Central Coast California on 11/12/16, took the plunge in January and I don't regret one thing.
Except... not kicking my ex out sooner.
On 12/7/16, two days before I was scheduled to fly to visit Dallas for the first time, my ex raped me in my own bed. He used my affinity for bondage/submission against me, I won't go into detail but after being raped at 17, having it happen again at 23 by someone whom I actually trusted was devastating. I'm lucky I had my man and my friends who are family to help me through it.
But here we are, at almost one year from when it happened, and it's severely affecting my relationship with this man I moved to Dallas to be with. I have been having flashback nightmares and just 10 minutes ago, what prompted me to write this, I had PTSD very strongly... my subconscious took over my body. I couldn't breathe, my man (who is sick with a fever) had to hold me and get me to take in air. I need help.
If anyone can spare a moment to just tell me it's going to be okay, or hell, if anyone happens to know any therapists in the Balch Springs/Mesquite side of Dallas who would help someone in my situation... I would be so grateful. I don't have insurance and I don't have money to spare. I'm working two jobs to make ends meet.
Thank you.
|
self.depression
|
Everybody asks this When do I go to the hospital? How many times have I seen people ask that question?
I've counted all the pills in my "treasure chest" but not sure I like any of the potentially lethal combos. I've gone on the darknet markets to see what I can get, but my drugs of choice are hard to come by. I'm not sold on more physically violent methods. I live alone so nobody would stop me.
I've started writing a kind of philosophical paper to explain (mostly to my parents) why I think suicide is a reasonable option. I've drafted my will and had it witnessed. I've been writing my suicide letter in my head for weeks.
Still, if I do it, it won't be tomorrow. Maybe I won't do it at all. Probably not. Do I just wait for my next pdoc appt? What do I say to her when I see her?
|
self.bipolar
|
My thoughts on mood tracking apps To each their own, but here is my little rant about those apps. I kmow it works great for a lot of people, i just wanted to start a dialogue about it. Sorry if this is long! (TLDR at end)
- First of all, I hate it when an app notifies my to use it. It gives me the creeps, and it seems really weird that a device could control when I stop and think about how I'm feeling. That's not the kind if relationship I want with my mood and emotions.
- Second, trying to pick 1 out of 5 preset "moods" doesn't accurately represent anything about my mental state.
- The fact that you can see the data as it's being put in makes it some weird subconscious manipulation thing. Like your decision of which "mood" can be influenced by what you internally want your graph to look like (to prove or disprove your own instability)
- Lastly, when people on this subreddit post their mood things it can seem kind of like a contest....similar to the issue someone brought up a little while ago about people showing off how many medications their on, as if that shows how bipolar you are.
Maybe this is just my own personal dissatisfaction with the app based on how I view my mood issues.
TLDR: Bipolar makes me feel distrusting of how I feel, how reality is, and how functional I'll ever be. Bipolar makes me have insane amounts of creativity, perspective, empathy, and sense of self. Bipolar is the greatest, worst, most confusing thing I can imagine. I have no clue how to visualize it, how to compare it to any other experience. So when I see a chart of mood cycles....it seems to really simplify something that is much, much more than graphable data.
|
self.bipolar
|
Does anyone else hate work? Not talking about a job specifically, but just work in general. It seems no matter where I work, I just can't deal with it. The anxiety is horrendous to the point it consumes my entire life.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Small Steps never seem enough Recently I've been making small steps toward my goals: making dinner, little things for projects, etc.
It just never seems like it's enough. Like I should be doing more. Makes me a bit happy to be doing anything at all, but in the end it doesn't seem to help
|
self.depression
|
I am so tired of living with myself. I would always refuse to use reddit, especially for advice or whatever, but right now I feel it's the only thing I have. I just tried to kill myself in a mental breakdown I had having an argument with my mother. I am always so close to do it, I don't know what's holding me back. I need to talk to someone so badly... I live in a constant battle with myself it's so exhausting, it's like if a part of me is trying to give advice to the depressed othet half of me. I try so hard to be positive, to think that it's just a phase, that I will feel better soon. I suck at everything, and I'm not trying to sound dramatic. I have some friends that are just to go party because I know that none of them could ever understand the hell I live in. My family..oh how I wish I had grown up in a loving and understanding family.. sometimes I say okay I'm going to talk to my mom about this, but she doesn't takr my mental health seriously at all, she just called me crazy. I literally have no one. My best friend and I don't talk anymore, he was the only one that could understand and I don't have him anymore because I pushed him away.. I push everyone away. Now I know how is it like when you hate yourself. I see everyone being "normal" , enjoying their friends and families, having jobs, having plans and goals and how I wish I could be in their position.. I don't know what am I here for anymore, I feel like I'm never going to get anywhere in life, I'm so done with myself, with my own mind that is my biggest enemy. Depression fucking sucks.
|
self.depression
|
I wanna fucking cry. I asked for help today to overcome my anxiety for my first job hunt. "Get your shit together, stop being fucking anxious, it's all in your head". It just keeps echoing in my head, and each time it does, I feel a mix of anger and sadness. I don't know what to do with my life.
Edit: I'm very thankful for all the support and help I've recieved. Cheers to those in the same situation as I, and to those who've help.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Worthless college student checking in Hello,
I am 20 years old, college student (computer science)
I have to pass 2 specific exams by the end of this semester, if
I'm not able to do that, I'll be banned from studying
computer science ever again in Germany.
This would be the only career path I know about so far
that I'm at least somewhat interested in, so if I'm not able to do
this my life is basically over.
The first exam is in 22 days and the other one is in 30 days.
I am scared of what happens if I don't pass. I can at least rewrite the test and try again once per exam (giving me another month of time), but if I don't pass that, my life is over.
If I don't pass these exams, I have to do some job I hate for the rest of my life, without any chance of that ever changing. I am so scared of my future. Even though I studied computer science for three semesters, I basically can't program at all. Nothing worth hiring anybody over at least.
I have no talents, I have no real interests apart from Overwatch (videogame) and anime and sports. I don't like my friends very much and my friends don't like me very much.
I've been depressed since 6th grade and the suicidal thoughts started happening in college. I never felt worse in my entire life.
I have nothing to look forward to, I hate myself, nobody cares about me, I have no parents anymore and the rest of my family lives on the other side of the country and doesn't give a shit about me anyway. Not even calls or postcards. I wonder if they even know my name. The only "person" I'm currently living for is my 5-year-old beagle. When he dies, I have nothing to live for.
Basically what I'm doing now is studying for my life.
I can't allow myself a single hour passing without having studied for the exams since my life literally depends on it.
I am scared and most of my life is filled with despair, the only time I can feel "happy" is when I watch anime shows, and I feel absolutely pathetic saying that. So fucking worthless.
Nobody ever loved or liked me, except my dog of course, but that is just natural because I feed him.
I am worse than everybody around me, and everybody knows it.
I know it.
This is not depression speaking. It is an undeniable fact.
I can do nothing well.
I can make great plans for a semester and fail 1 week in and do nothing for the rest of the semester until it's too late.
The only skill I have is speaking English fluently and Japanese on the N2 level, and that shit is not marketable.
That is it. That is all I can offer this world.
Nothing else. Literally nothing else.
I can do nothing right.
I hate myself and I want to die. If I could press a button and be gone, I'd do it without hesitation.
I tried talking to one of my "friends" about it.
He did not give a shit, laughed about it and that was all that came out of that conversation.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Anxiety problems I really wish there was a way to just shut my brain off sometimes. Too many thoughts happen and I just want to sleep.
|
self.Anxiety
|
11 days ago my suicide failed The past 11 days I have been desperately trying to figure out why I am alive and I'm just floating here. I feel like a corpse with a heartbeat. I was so calm and genuinely thought I was slipping away and now I'm here with neck bruising and numbness. What do you do when you feel like surviving was a mistake
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
How successful have you been in finding a career path? I can’t tell whether this is my illness or whether I genuinely have nothing to offer to the world, but I keep changing my mind about what I want to do with my life. Three years ago it was a musician, then left music school to become a mathematician, graduated (hurrah!), then wanted to become a fashion designer, now I’ve decided I’m going to work in museums, and I finally have a job in the sector. Everyone is happy for me but I am so so afraid that I’m going to switch to god knows what or be unhappy if I don’t.
Anyone else feel like this? Did you eventually find something? Would really appreciate some input...
|
self.bipolar
|
Anyone else? Anyone else just laying down in bed all day? I'm just planning my suicide. It's the only thing left that interests me. Fuck this fucking disease
|
self.depression
|
I've been thinking about ways to kill myself since last night [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Lately my wife of 22 yrs has been having more “blow ups” lately and it is getting really difficult to manage and navigate the fallout. Looking back I can see far better and realize how hard it is for her to function some times. Any helpful resources for supporters out there?
|
self.bipolar
|
Worried This probably doesn't fit or looks dumb but I need to say this and hopefully it will calm me down a bit. It's 1am where I live and no one in my house is awake. I was just on FaceTime with my boyfriend (it's midday for him) I swear I kept hearing noises in my house. I don't know what is going on but even now that we aren't on the phone I keep hearing things. I thought someone rattled the door and I heard things fall and I've looked through the house and haven't seen a thing. My dad still is snoring away and my dog who is really skiddish hasn't budged either. So I'm not sure if it's my imagination or what but I'm having bad anxiety. This sounds so dumb I know it. One of my biggest fears is having someone intrude at night. You all can ignore this. I just needed to write something out to try and calm myself a bit.
|
self.offmychest
|
I'm officially staying single. I'm tired of men playing games with me and buttering me up to have sex with them.
I haven't had sex in 3 years until this past Thursday. I fell in love with a man who I thought was in love with me. I now realize that all of the compliments and fake lovey dovey bullshit was just to get me to sleep with him. Let's say to make a long story short: he disappeared after we "made love".
I gave this man alot of my money, too. I should have paid attention to the red flags with him disappearing every Friday. I didn't think too much of him disappearing every weekend because I am the type of girl who believes in giving a man his space.
I now realize that hardly anyone is worth dating anymore these days. Almost everyone plays too many fucking games and almost everyone gets into relationships for their own selfish gain.
I am thinking about taking this asshole to court to get my money back. I have text messages to prove that I gave him money. Since I can't get my time and my sexual experience back that I wasted on him, then I can at least get my money back.
I feel so fucking hurt, angry, confused and used. Fuck love and fuck looking for it. I am now officially disgusted with sex. This has made me feel suicidal. I really wish I was never born. I'm tired of not being loved.
|
self.offmychest
|
I don't want to live in the modern world and as I grow older it's become harder and harder for me to forget that I do [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
What comes first in your anxiety attacks: The anxiety, or the physical symptoms? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Freaking out about America and now I'm seriously thinking about moving to Canada. I'm also worried that this is a dumb post. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
I really dont want to be alive anymore. I have lived a very long life at only 28 (male). I grew up in a drug house with abusive parents. They are currently still on drugs til this day. When they were not dealing drugs, they were dealing jesus, causing me to be brutally raped by people of their congregation twice at ages 9 and 10.
Aside from the rape, and abuse of my parents, I was beat up in school around 3 times a week from ages 6-13 for no other reason then being a small black kid. The kids were usually alot older than me. I would run from them at first. Then I noticed it didnt matter, I was still going to get hurt. so I would walk from them while they beat the shit out of me. When they would put me down, I would stay down. I would let them do their thing until they were satisfied. They noticed that I would just let them beat me up, so after they beat me up they resorted to peeing on me. Then I had to make the walk of shame back to the house that doesn't give a fuck about me, to be hurt all over again in different ways.
I attempted to cope through my adolescence, but I was a very confused person. I had all dignities taken away, my childhood was gone. Never anything for me under the Christmas tree. Never any valid birthday presents. I remember going hungry. I remember looking into my little sister's face and apologizing for her stomach hurting from starvation.
Ok back on topic
Life has been shit. It remains shit. I have children now. And I feel very detached from them. My wife has left me As I have severe anxiety, a paranoia disorder, and ptsd from most of these events. She took the children. I walk to work, I work all day speaking to hardly anyone because I look 'scary', then I walk back home to be alone. Every day. Same thing. Pay bills go to sleep. Pay bills go to sleep. I have to think about everything that has happened. Every waking second. I can't do it anymore. I can't. I can still feel them trying to hurt me. I don't even feel like a man and never have even though I try to compensate being all macho, when ultimately I just don't want to feel like someone's plaything.
I went to therapy for about 7 months. They didn't help. The pills didn't help. Felt like a waste of time. They seemed like they never had enough time for me. No one ever has.
"Stop being a little bitch"
I'm trying. But I am tired. Its never gotten better. I can't think of a day I would like to go back to. I hope every day that a car will swerve and hit me. I hope every day that someone will think I'm just scary enough to shoot for no reason.
Alot of people care about me. They say they do. But where are they? I am still alone.
I left alot out. I'm crying while writing this. I think it's really time. I am scared, because I feel it has to happen.
This is all 100% legit btw. I just needed at least a little bit of my story to be seen.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I Had a Vivid Dream the Other Night In my dream I was in my hometown of BFE Michigan. My family found out about my depression and told me about this new therapist who apparently worked miracles for people with mental disorders.
My family offered to pay for one visit for me because "one visit is all you need."
I show up and it's dark and dreary. There is no waiting room or receptionist, the entire building (which used to be a barn) was one room.
There was one person sitting at a chair with no desk, and she was surrounded by half naked men.
She asked me to kneel before her and to trust her, so I did.
She put her hands on each side of my head, bent her own head with her eye closed.
She was in my head mentally. It was like a small person was running around my head. She was building walls, massaging brain tissue, basically repairing my brain like a construction worker would repair a house, but with my being instead oof a house.
She lifted her hands and I thought it was weird at first, like, "that was it"?
But then I fell over bawling my eyes out. Not in sadness, but in the purest form of relief you can imagine.
I was completely fixed. No depression, anxiety, ED, absolutely nothing except happiness, delight, curiosity about how my life will change forever, etc...
I cannot explain to you the immense feelings of pure joy I had.
...Then I woke up. I cried, but out of sadness, regret, anger, and the utter feeling of helplessness because it was only a dream, an impossible dream that could never happen.
This was the story of the time I had a dream that could never be, that broke me.
If this was a sign, then I don't know what to do.
|
self.depression
|
if i fail my important exam there is a nice bridge i want to jump off [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I told my mum that I have depression and she said to "get my act together".
|
self.depression
|
i'm 23, studying for my cFA and having extreme Career Anxiety Hey all,
So, I'm 23 years old, graduated university a year ago, got a job straight out of uni (entry level finance) and recently just got a wonderful girlfriend - so what the hell am I worrying about.
During my first year in my job I realised that it was almost a dead end to me seeing as it only had one career path, I also realised that the lack of training and support has diminished my self confidence and ability significantly over the year. Although the pay is okay I am seeking better but I keep hitting brick walls.
I graduated from a non-target university here so aiming for a corporate job which has a career path is almost like pushing shit up a hill at this stage.
I decided in September that I should be starting my CFA (Chartered Financial Analyst) - I have since commenced this although I feel that my anxiety from not having the right job, the right path has taken over my brain. I sit down to study and all I feel is a cloudy head with zero clarity, I begin to panic uncontrollably at the fact I am "wasting" time by having this anxiety.
I end up burning out after half an hour and feeling immensely tired but then I begin to think, what if I am not successful, what if I don't reach a suitable path to put me into a stable job, what if I fail the CFA (high probability as it has a 60% fail rate) and what if my girlfriend doesn't see me as successful.
I feel like I have to live up to other's expectations, everyone has always said to me that they see me as the rich and successful one out of the group, that I will go so far etc but at the moment I feel like I have hit a brick wall.
My girlfriend is an insanely high achiever, did well in school, played professional sport etc and I feel like that I myself need to be of a certain calibre, although she does appreciate me simply for who I am. I am still concerned in the long run that my little brick wall hasn't put me into a suitable job for the long run whereby she sees that I am moving forward.
I'm a driven individual but I don't know where I'm driving to right now.
I'm curious if any of you out there have had career anxiety and panic about what the future holds, even if you have a constant fear of failure and resent of your inability to move forward at a particular time.
TLDR: I'm 23, working in a low level finance job with no path to move up, I have a supportive and high achieving girlfriend, I don't know what the future holds and I am shit scared.
|
self.Anxiety
|
When no one in the family care about your well being, but you know once you would kill yourself the family would go shambles. It's like a prison. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I will never be happy I take what I say about myself very seriously. (developed a habit of talking to myself) and when I said this allowed I finally realised how true this statement was.
It doesn't matter what happens, I will never be able to be in a situation where I define myself as happy. Then on the other end bad days get me pretty suicidal. What a way to live
|
self.depression
|
Nothing new Just another New Year post to add to the mix.
Spending it alone. I know there are parties around where I would be welcome, but I'm tired. I can't deal with wearing a happy mask today. So much bad stuff has been dropped on me in the past week or two that I just can't.
And here comes the New Year. I know it's just another day. An arbitrary start and stop point. But I still cant help but think about how it's a bad omen and since I'm starting it bad it's just going to be a bad year. Optimists might say "hey, it can only get better from here." Never seems that way to me. There is no "rock bottom," just more falling.
I'm tired.
|
self.depression
|
Struggling with anxiety and thoughts of impending doom from a burn/irritated on back of throat that has never healed in a year Just sort of venting. I don't have much people to talk to who aren't sick of hearing it. I went to a general doctor 3 times and no fix. I went to a specialized doctor 4 months ago and no fix. I am going again. It was caused when I used to smoke weed out of a pipe the ember would hit the back of my throat. One day I smoked some weed that was under a blanket for a month because I wanted to get high. My throat feels like it's closing up sometimes. Some times the pain subsides for a few weeks and I go back to relatively normal, though I still have general anxiety. But when it flares up again I have serious mental trouble coping, even though I am pretty good with coping as I have had anxiety for 5 years. A lot of daymares enter my head and I imagine having cancer of the throat and dying. It's terrible but as time goes on I feel like I learn to live with the pain. I am prepared to live with the pain if I am told it will be for the rest of my life and won't kill me, but the fear of the unknown torments me sometimes. When it flares up something good does come of it: I realize that like every one on this earth I don't have to be here forever. This realization allows me to drive to get things done that a lot of people would go through their whole lives only to regret they didn't do on their death bed. I currently take anti-depressants, as I have done since I was 10, but they only do so much to combat the constant loop of thoughts that I get when I am going through a flare up. I quit Klonopin a while ago but am considering going back on it. Thanks for letting me talk.
|
self.Anxiety
|
The set of expectations life generally expects you to fulfill are enough to make anyone depressed That's my opinion, a lot of people get depressed and don't acknowledge enough that the world is bullshit and very unfair, very dissatisfying and just generally unpleasant and unlikable, and I don't mean just unpleasant in a physical sort of sense like physical sensations but the reality of life is just not ideal.
How many of you distressed, unhappy, people would say you have a rebellious spirit? whether an active one or other
|
self.depression
|
People are making me doubt my diagnosis and I don’t know what to do? So I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 a couple months ago and I felt like it fit at the time.
I started taking Lamictal and felt better. But now my mother (who is a nurse) thinks that the psychiatrist was crappy (she saw him too) and doesn’t believe it and thinks I just have general depression. My dad said since learning that I have bipolar disorder I may be exacerbating my symptoms in a psycho-sematic way.
I’m just really confused and I’m in a depressed mood right now and I don’t know if I should be doubting my diagnosis too and wait for the new psychiatrist to diagnose me? I definitely have an anxiety disorder so now the depression is being questioned and it’s stressing me out.
Any advice? Should I just wait until I go to the doctor?
EDIT: Thanks to everyone for their advice! I’m seeing a doctor next week and I’ll ask for a second opinion. I’ve been keeping up with my mood journal since October 1st and I do notice a kind of... bipolar pattern? So I’ll show the doctor that.
|
self.bipolar
|
Walked 10 miles to my countys mental health clinic for the first time After avoiding this much needed appointment for 3 years I walk in, the lady looked at me like a fucking idiot and told me they do intake for this office at another office 45 miles away. I have no friends or money to help me get there. The way that lady looked at me made me want to come back another time, shoot the back of my skull in an angle where the most gore possible will land on her gasping face. I believe shock is the only way to make most people truly understand how someone can feel, through intense display of violence, a narcissist can be humbled im not even sure how I got to this kind of mindset I would never want to harm anyone or anything I just want to be nice to people and treat others how I want to be treated but it will never work like that. I hate commiting violence but holy fucking shit it feels good hurting people physically. I've tried every single drug once (young and dumb, learned a lesson) and nothing else could possibly compare to the amount of power you feel when someones existence is completely at your control through nothing but your own strength and wit. This is such a backwards way of thinking I wish I never had to hit anyone is this in my DNA? I feel as if my soul is trying to kill itself by getting me killed in a deadly conflict that isnt suicide. I can not kill myself yet as my mom and my cat are still alive as the only anchors of hope I have that help me wake up in the morning. My dad died of heroin overdose a month ago finally. Drug addicted parents were the biggest emotional tease of my childhood. There there and not there at the exact same time. I have learned to shut most emotions off with success at a young age due to a multitude of mind breaking scenarios no one believes. Due to this I couldn't have friends. I dropped out in middle school because of the anxious pain I felt. I spent half of my childhood homeless, and a quarter of it without utilities (Electricity, water, gas). I am semi grateful for that as now I am able to live anywhere comfortably, (Under a house, deck, tree, tarp, sticks). I can go 3 days without eating easily as heroin had a higher priority forever and always. I enjoy listening to the drug addicts complain about their minuscule self inflicted problems. Hearing addicts cry while dopesick and beg for death always helped me sleep easier, knowing someone felt half as bad externally as I did internally. After seeing first hand witnessing how drugs can perverse the soul makes me daydream of terrible things I shouldnt write anymore violence im sorry I am like this. I would give my life in a heartbeat to save a child in a similar scenario as mine. Its not fair that if someone doesn't even use the drugs their lives are still ruined by extension. I believe all drug addicts should either sober up or put inside of a gas chamber and chemically suffocated.
|
self.depression
|
Half an hour left of my life and I'm starting to get scared... Is there anyone I can rant to in my last half-hour? Before I say anything else, I just want to make it clear that just because I'm scared doesn't mean I'm not going to.
But why am I scared all of a sudden? I've never been scared before an attempt. I've never been afraid to leave my pains behind.
Is it because I don't want to hurt my brother? Is there something I should be living for but am unaware of?
What the hell is wrong with me?
I already did a post on here earlier... it has my suicide note... but what if I fail? I'll probably just end up looking like I'm too weak to actually kill myself...
Is there anyone here that wouldn't mind just being there for me to open up to? I've dealt with trust issues forever but there are things I've never told a living being about that I don't want to take to the grave... there's so much guilt and pain and shame behind it all but I want to die knowing that I didn't hide everything my whole life. Will someone let me open up to them?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My Friend Did Something that I Don't Quite Know How to Feel About Last night, I posted a snap on my story that said, "Need people to talk to because I'm border. Hit me up friends." I didn't see the typo, as I meant to say bored not border. (For those of you who don't see why this is a problem yet, it is common internet shorthand for borderline suicidal.)
I got a snap from a friend that said, "I really want to help, but I'm at work, sorry." I didn't understand why she sent that, but that's all well and good. I just thought she didn't want to talk to me while she was at work.
Today however, my girlfriend saw that snap, and told me about the typo and what it meant, and I understood what she meant by that text. I felt so bad that I immediately texted my friend back as an apology for the typo.
She said, "It's okay, I was giving you space."
So were you actually working or were you just blowing smoke up my ass so you could convince yourself that you care about your friends?
She's been my friend long enough to know that the last thing I need to be is alone when I'm suicidal, because that just makes it so much worse.
All in all, I don't know how to feel about the whole thing. This friend has been really flaky on me in the past, and it just doesn't feel like much of a two way friendship anymore... 😕
Edit: Grammar
|
self.offmychest
|
I seriously can't remember any point in my life that I wasn't depressed when I wasn't dating someone. I don't know how to live anymore. I made a throwaway for this. I don't know what to do or where to go anymore. Every time I have this issue, my family and my friends are good, and every single time it's because I'm in a relationship with someone. I've never solved my depression. I'm as depressed as I was when I was a kid. I couldn't resolve it then and I haven't resolved it now.
I really have no idea how to fix myself. I've spent the entire year just trying to find someone who's actually worth loving back. Instead I got cheated on and then when 2018 came on, a friend I thought had feelings for me got together with another dude who I believe was her ex. It fucking sucks.
Before this all happened, I told myself that I'd follow through with killing myself this time. It's unbearable. I can't fix any of my issues, and the more questions I try to answer about myself, the more questions I get. I can't remember my childhood. I can't remember if I was ever happy without a girl. I can't remember what my voice sounded like before now. I can't remember anything about myself, yet I have always been known to have the best memory out of everyone I know. I can recall the smallest detail about a restaurant I went to once two years ago... and I can't remember what I did as a kid? I can remember exactly what my mom said in the car one day she tried to make conversation before a doctor's visit, word for word, and I can't remember why I was motivated to do anything I did as a kid? I feel like an outside observer, watching this person who has every reason to be happy wishing for some last thing to push him over the edge.
I seriously don't know what to do. I need help. I'm not even in college yet, and I made ten grand overnight trading crypto. I made ten grand OVERNIGHT, I have friends who care about me, and no matter how good of a state I'm in, I always think about killing myself.
It always seemed like a joke. [This stupid fucking video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PsLdeyAXI8) that I used to tie people's phone chargers into a dark joke, knowing the difference between cutting vertical and horizontal, knowing the angles to shoot yourself if you want a (theoretically) less painful death... they never worried even *me*, because it just seemed like I was being a retard who found stupid things funny, let alone everyone else who knew about my dumb antics, since regardless of work, school or being with friends, I was always the class clown. Now I don't know how real they were.
I don't know if I'm serious this time, but it feels more real than I ever remember it being. I've never had an anxiety attack like I did before. I literally started drooling on my keyboard and typing as fast as I could, just to take my mind off it. Nothing I typed was even legible. There were typos all over the place. I was typing just to take my mind off of it, fucking talking to myself... I've never done that. And when I woke up, I wasn't sad. I was just... tired. I felt the same pain I did before. And all I could ask myself is "When will this finally fucking end?"
I want to do it. I don't want to live in this world anymore. The only thing of significant value I have left is my crypto wallets. All I would have to do is burn what I don't want seen, email my wallet to a friend who barely checks their email and hope they stumble upon it and then do the right thing with the money, and then I would have everything done I care about. It's so close, it's so real, and I don't know what to do about it anymore. I've tried hotlines, I've tried counseling and I've tried hospitals. They don't work. They never work. Everyone assumes I'm fine when I'm not.
What do I do. How do I make this pain fucking end
Sidenote. I don't think one of my friends will see this, but if you read this and know it's me, then you should know that I've been through the hoops before. I don't want another fucking cop to show up at my door and ask me about my suicide plans. I always try my best and think they're there for me, and then it all goes to shit. It always goes to shit. They won't help. I tell them all the same thing and they never help. Don't call the cops again. It won't help, even though I wish it would.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Just need to get this off my chest It happened a few months ago, but I finally processed it now.
When you're in a state of depression, your mind goes crazy and thinks of many bad ideas and thoughts that will have disastrous consequences when followed, and you cant tell because depression means your mental state isnt working correctly. At this point, its usually best to talk to a trusted and close friend about all these thoughts (as recommended by multiple therapists) who will just be a voice there to tell you that its a bad idea and hopefully keep you in check until you recover from the depression.
When that close and trusted friend turns out to have been judging you all along and instead of helping you out, says something extremely hurtful and then misunderstands you, and you realize that they have been seeing you as a shitty person all along when its really just you in your depressed state, shit really gets real. I'm not a saint, but to be grossly misunderstood by someone whom i trust and consider close is a huge stab. I have finally recovered and moved on from that, and it kinda reminds me that when i trust someone, there will always be a possibility of being stabbed by that person and its okay for me to make bad choices. But more importantly, it makes me realize that in the end, I cant expect to trust people to understand me. I understand me. No one else can. And I have to be strong for me.
It hurts, and it seems that the recent bout of depression was a call for me to process this, and i have finally found closure.
I got triggered when he went on hiking with a mutual friend. But i have been in depression for about a week now due to other factors, this one included but it needed to be processed.
It's hard but im trying hard to move on even though the whole thing happened back in November.
|
self.depression
|
The crest and trough of depression Depression has its own crest and trough. The crest is amazing and energetic. You feel this unexplained energy in yourself. You are more normal than the people around you, more optimistic than them. However, one day a thought, a feeling, a slight gesture makes you uneasy. Then you start to think about it. You start obsessing over it. And then it comes... You start feeling downhill. You become abnormal. You start sweating in the crowd. You can't decipher people's words. Your mind goes blank. And a darkness looms over you. You have this unexplained burden on your shoulder. And you just can't cope with it. It is as though someone has placed his foot on your neck and you can barely breath. This is the trough. The lowest point you can get to. You just want to give up. But its not easy. A plethora of unexplained thoughts surround you. It is what the world calls rock-bottom. Then one day, this ''someone'' removes his foot from you neck, and you start to breath. And its so relaxing. So soothing. Just like the morning breeze. But this relaxation is short-lived as you start feeling amazing and energetic. And the cycle starts again... This short-lived in-between relaxation is what someone has when he has no depression. This what a person with depression yearns for. But he can't achieve it. Alas!
|
self.depression
|
How do you make yourself cry? I feel like shit. Nothing significant happened, it's just that I went to school while sleep deprived. Now my eyes sting as if I'm ABOUT to cry, but it's not actually happening and I need it to happen.
|
self.depression
|
The guy I'm dating is incredible I recently ended a really crappy relationship and started dating a new guy. Normally I would be cautious about moving so fast, but everything about this guy is so perfect.
I am falling so hard. In the month that we've dated, he's shown me more care, passion and consideration than my shitty off and on ex of four years has ever shown me. I feel so supported and cherished and values.
He is so much better in so many ways. He's smart and ambitious, he's learned a new language from scratch and moving up in his military career. He's responsible and put together as hell as well.
He's kind and sincere. On a date, he pulled over to help some motorists who were in accident. I was so floored bc most people would drive around but he didnt. He stopped and helped and he does this a lot with his friends and coworkers. He really does believe in service before self.
He treats me so well. He writes me little notes, he makes time for me and jokes around with me. He appreciates my weird sense of humor and runs with my jokes. We are almost always smiling together.
He is an amazing and generous lover, the best I've ever had. He's so caring and gentle and attentive.
I seriously feel like a princess around him. I could spend all day in bed just staring at his beautiful face. I am so incredibly lucky and thankful.
|
self.offmychest
|
17 year old boy and depressed Hi guys. There's a lot of stuff to go over, so you'll feel that I'm not really focusing on sentence structure, but rather just getting stuff out of my mind before I change my mind.
I live in Pakistan, a country where mental health is a joke, and you're told to be a man if you reach out to someone. My mom is great, she loves me and cares. I've tried telling her I need to see a doctor or psychologist, but she always responds with "Just talk to me..". Of course, she can only provide so much help, and she doesn't really help me much and blames it on me not sleeping enough. I don't blame her too much, I love her.
My dad on the other hand is the worst human being on this Earth. To list down the stuff he's done to me and my family, it would take up the whole day. Growing up, all I saw was abuse. My dad beating my mom, my 3 other siblings, cheating on my mom. In some cases, he's even tried to kill her; a few years back my mom was making tea and boiling water fell on her feet, my dad and I were the only people at home. My dad just laughed it off and me not being able to drive and not having a phone at the time, that meant that my mom with third degree burns had to pray to God for something to happen. I went and knocked at my neighbor's house and they helped. On another instance, he grabbed a baseball bat and attempted to hit my mom with it. Thankfully my brother was there to stop him.
When I was 8, I was raped. We had a couple of cooks at our place for a large event taking place. I was in the kitchen, and they took me to the back of the house and did stuff. It has ruined me and 9 years after gives me anxiety. I have only told my girlfriend, and she is perfect. She helps me more than anyone, but she can only do so much. She can't really take me to the doctor.
My grades used to be good. Everything is falling apart at a time where I need excellent grades to get into my uni of choice.
Please help me, just give me your opinion on this so that I can understand what is happening.
Thanks for taking out time from your day to read this.I apologise for my English. It's my second language and I was rushing typing this.
|
self.depression
|
Does anyone want to talk about mixed episodes? Right now I'm paralyzed in a chair and feel as though I've been plugged into an intense virtual reality simulation. I'm sitting next to a coy pond but my body must think it's running from big cats in the jungle. Anybody want to describe their experiences so I can get out of my head for awhile? Hope y'all are having an okay day.
|
self.bipolar
|
The real issue here is suicide, not the showing of suicide. Logan Paul video view. [removed]
|
self.depression
|
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.