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More than a decade later, I still hate my mother for what she did to me as a child [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I feel like jumping out the window. Bipolar 1 with psychosis [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I dont feel happy with my life. I can make it better, but i dont want to tell anyone how i feel. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Fucked up and put myself in position mentally that I had worked so hard to get out of. I don't know why I do this to myself.
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self.depression
|
Anyone success with Lexapro? I recently had to go on meds due to my anxiety getting worse. Before I dealt pretty well with lots of workouts but right now I just need the extra help.
My doc prescribed Lexapro and I was wondering if anyone had success with it. I know it takes about 4 weeks to see if it works or not, am on week 2 and the side effects are getting to me a little.
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self.Anxiety
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My Boyfriend Talks Daily About Suicide -- Won't Go To Hospital [deleted]
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self.depression
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Thinking about ending it soon I suffer from moderate depression, social anxiety, generalized anxiety and PTSD. I attended a residential treatment center after years of isolation. I finally felt connected to people. I finally felt seen. But of course that time came to an end. The people who had become so important to me went home. They have active social lives and families to get back to. Meanwhile I found myself alone again. Now that I know what it's like to not be alone being back in this place is so much more painful.
I even found myself resenting one of the people who got close to me. Why did you even get close if you were just going to forget me? Was I just a temporary source of entertainment? I'm now on a trip to visit some if these friends, but I see it as an opportunity to say goodbye. The pain of being forgotten is too intense. I'll see them all one last time and then I'll check out.
I've tried so hard to be "human", to experience the world like everyone else, but it's impossible. Everything is so heavy. Nothing feels worth the effort. The only time in years that I felt hopeful or alive was when I was spending time with her. I know it didn't mean as much to her. It's too painful knowing that the people you need don't need you.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I know that, one day everyone that I love and care about is going to die and it terrifies me. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Buspar and (hypo)mania? My pdoc had me try buspar for anxiety last week. Within 2 days of starting it, at a low dose(5mg 3x a day), I was the most euphoric I've ever been. I was skipping instead of walking, I couldn't stay on topic at all(my friend described me as being "squirrely," I threw stuff at another friend for 2 hours, I went walking in the river off campus, I was so euphoric it was like a body high, I talked about sexual stuff a lot. I went to class, but scribbled entire pages of my notebook so I wouldn't start doing jumping jacks in class. This was all in a 24 hour time period. Needless to say, I talked to my pdoc and went off it within a day of these symptoms starting. I came down over a couple days and was pretty depressed for a couple days.
What I'm wondering is whether any of y'all have had this side effect from buspar. It's not listed on the pi sheet, but there are a couple case reports in journals. Before I started it, my pdoc told me that mania was pretty unlikely from it...
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self.bipolar
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I feel so alone. All I want to do is disappear. Whenever I think about going on I can’t.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Kinda having a mental breakdown The new year is already stressing me out. Last night was alright, and I was trying my best to stay positive. I woke up this morning feeling really good and motivated. But after yet another lonely, boring day I realized that I'm reaching too high because nothing's gonna change. I spent the day thinking about how I've never done anything cool, I don't have anything to be proud of, I have no friends, no money, nothing. I've lived a pointless boring life and it's not gonna change. Sorry if I'm not making any sense my mind's just all over the place right now
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self.depression
|
Someone at work has been posting on Facebook a lot that she's dealing with depression I don't talk to her much
I don't talk to anyone tbh
But the fact Im going through it all I kinda want to message her and just say I actually understand but then I think I'm being annoying
What do you think I should do
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self.depression
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TMS, successful or unsuccessful? How long did it take to notice the effects? I'm on my 11th TMS treatment of 30 for my depression and wondering how long it takes to notice it being successful or not? Was it worth it?
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self.depression
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Gaba/Neurontin with Seroquel So I was on Lamictal and Seroquel (Seroquel mostly to help me sleep.) We figured out that I have crazy anxiety so right now I'm tapering off Lamictal and going up to 200mg gabapeptin (100mg twice a day.)
And right now while I feel nice and relaxed I'm also a little dopey. Like best way to describe it is I just want to curl up on the couch with my GF and take a nap on her. Except all the time.
Does this feeling wear off a little? The relaxed is nice but I'm not fond of the slightly tired feeling. Although maybe this is what normal feels like and I'm just not used to it haha. It's much better than the constant state of anxiety I was in before.
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self.bipolar
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No one wants to hang with me I have friends but do I really ? I’m never called up to hang out with and I never really get the pretty girls except once that was fun fooling around lol. But all the rest true. I always screw up when I have something good.
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self.depression
|
I had to fill out one of those depression tests today... And I scored in the 'severe' range. This lead to the following exchange between my Doctors and I.
Doctor: This is a really high score.
Me: Thank you.
Thankfully, I saw the funny side it in it's awkwardness...and I hope you guys do too! Sometimes, the only way to cope with how terrible things are is to laugh...Stay strong, fam.
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self.depression
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I Tracked The amount of time I spent in an anxious state During one week I thought I had had a productive week. I had lapses where anxiety paralyzed me. During these episodes, I can't work, relax or connect with other.
I roughly tracked my time spent in an anxious state; this accumulated to 19 hours for a week. I was shocked to realize that I had lost so much time in a week that seemed productive and "good" for my standards.
Has anyone else tried doing this? Was anyone else as shocked as I am right now at how much time anxiety takes up?
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self.Anxiety
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Accurately tracking in daylio during manic/hypomanic episodes? **TL;DR: Basically wanting feedback on how I currently track in daylio. How do you all accurately track during your manic/hypomanic episodes when you're in them but can't tell until you're no longer manic/hypomanic? Wanting tips and advice so I can have accurate proof to show my LPC in order to get a more accurate diagnosis, and to also better understand myself.**
LONG POST! Sorry! Also first time trying to use bold text so if it doesn't work don't judge.
I've been using the daylio app for 45 days now to track my moods, and I am SO glad I learned about it from this subreddit. I was only diagnosed recently, and I haven't met with and talked with my LPC enough or had accurate evidence to show her yet for us to determine if I'm bipolar I or II. She's the first person to actually believe me in years that there was something wrong with me, and I'm trying to have well documented proof to show so that I can get a more accurate diagnosis. I just want to be believed and be taken seriously after years of "everyone gets down sometimes!" or being shrugged off (had a friend in high school say "so?" when I showed her I cut myself and needed help, I didn't reach out for help for years after that).
When I'm in my high points, I can never tell (or believe) that I'm actually up there until I'm back down and can look back at it and realize I wasn't in a stable mindset. I'm trying to figure how to track myself as accurately as possible DURING the highs and lows and I'm mainly wanting some tips/advice from others.
**How I distinguish my mood colors right now:**
• **Orange** - When I have the "maybe I'm the 2nd coming of Jesus" type thoughts, the overall greater purpose kind of feelings; when I think I can master something that I have 0 experience in or that I'm not even good at (like science); drastic sudden hair changes; a "life is fantastic I am great and I can accomplish all tasks thrown at me" background mood that lasts regardless of situation; the projects I dive into that later on I wonder why (last time I drew a laundry symbols poster and hung it up by the washer and made an intricate laundry cleaning system I don't even use); a mighty need to clean and reorganize the apartment; social as fuck; oversharing to the MAX; etc.
• **Green** - background positivity that lasts regardless of situation; I want to clean my apartment; more motivation for health and fitness and healthy living than usual; overall feeling blissful and that life is good; more social than usual.
• **Purple** - where I want to be. No background mood, have rational emotional responses to things, basically a well rounded individual.
• **Blue** - I'm in a funk. Very sensitive to rejection (real or imagined); background funk that lasts regardless of situation; irrationally angry; irrational feelings of loneliness; little to no motivation for anything.
• **Grey** - the "I'm dying inside" mood. Intrusive thoughts I would NEVER act on (irrational guilt keeps me low but rational guilt keeps me alive); no motivation.
**How I set the transition points for myself while tracking in order to try to be as accurate as possible (needs to fit one or more):**
• **Orange**: if I have a "greater purpose" type thought once that day/if I still feel that enlightened feeling; apartment cleaning frenzy; spontaneous hair change; more than 2 impulsive social media posts that day.
• **Green**: haven't had a "greater purpose thought" in 24 hours; have a noticeable background positivity still; NOT in the cleaning frenzy mood anymore; 1 impulsive social media post that day.
• **Purple**: no background mood and react rationally to things; social media posts are VERY rare, but are thought out thoroughly before posting.
• **Blue**: easily upset by rejection (real or imaginary); 0 intrusive thoughts that day.
• **Grey**: intrusive thoughts
It's not the greatest or most accurate, but it forces me to change the color when I don't believe I should. I have a lot of the same emotions set for each color (happy, sad, mad, motivated, horny, etc.), since I can have the same emotional responses in each phase, but I try to base my logs on that background feeling/intensity of the response and the things I listed right above this on what to log in a given moment instead of just the emotional response itself.
Am I doing this okay? I'm still pretty new to all of this, and I'm hoping to be able to use daylio to help me understand myself and make the necesarry lifestyle changes/behavior modifications in order to manage my symptoms as best as I can without medication. It took me 4 years to find an ADHD med (vyvanse) that works for almost all those annoying ADHD symptoms, and I don't want to lose that and have to go through the nightmare of finding meds that work for me again unless ABSOLUTELY necessary. I don't want to deal with that or put my fiancé through that again.
Thanks for reading my long post, any tips/advice/feedback are welcome!
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self.bipolar
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Fuck bad drivers Fuck all of them. If there's one thing that I dislike about big cities is bad, dangerous drivers. Yesterday I was on the highway with my bf (he was driving, I don't have a licence) and this idiot decided to brake. I have no idea why, he just decided to stop his car on the highway. Good thing that my bf has good driving skills and that no one was behind us... And plus he's driving a heavy cube van, so the stupid asshole who braked would've died for sure if we would've bumped into his car.
I see idiots like that everyday. If you can't drive, take the fucking bus or subway and stop jeperdizing other people's lives. My bf is on the road all day long, I'm really concerned about him.
Edit: I wasn't really clear about how I'm 99% sure that the car stopped on purpose, not because of a car problem. One car (car A) stalled on the highway first. He was just staying there, so I guess he actually had some car problems like a fuel breakdown. Then, car B (the one that I'm mad about) stopped quickly for one second, then continued to drive normally. So I'm pretty sure he was just watching car A... You don't need to stop to call 911, don't make it 2 accidents.
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self.offmychest
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i am so tired of being poor and sick aka why am I writing this [deleted]
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self.depression
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Unsure if I'm bipolar/borderline/neither... I know no one can make a diagnosis except a doctor, but I was just wondering what others experiences are I have been on mood stabilizers for about 2 months now. They have really seemed to help me, and I have been practicing meditation/DBT/mindfulness(which goes along with the DBT).
I was diagnosed as bipolar in December when I was baker acted in late November because I was contemplating suicide. Okay, I've been missing my medications, and I've been contemplating going out and doing drugs and having sex; I'm also extremely irritable, and I just want to push people out of my life. I can't stop thinking about these two guys I have a crush on, and I almost want them to stop talking to me by messaging them to delete me from their phones/ off their messaging apps etc. I've done this kind of stuff all my life; well since I was a teenager (I'm 25 now)... I'd just randomly push people away(mostly guys I'd have a crush on)... It's like I was upset with myself for thinking about them so much, and I figured the only way to make it stop was to push them away, but I'd almost regret it afterwards. When it came to female friends I'd just disappear on them for months at a time. Also, I'd have impulse control issues during these phases, but it would only come on randomly like spending money, overeating, sex, drugs, drinking, etc.
It's weird because in daily life most people would never guess I have these issues since I'm really nice, and I try to keep these problems to myself and my mom and my therapist. Right now though I'm feeling all the urges associated with my manic episodes, and I'm not sure what to do. I started taking my medicine tonight, so I'm hoping it will help. I'm on Lamictal and Trileptal if anyone is interested... Does this sound familiar to anyone else? I know all experiences are different, but I've asked other friends and family members before if they ever have these type of experiences and they just look at me like I'm crazy.
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self.bipolar
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Is there actually a reason to live? So yeah, I just had a breakdown and im thinking to myself why won't i just commit suicide? Like i won't have to deal with my friends that talk shit about me and they dont care about me, and if you're gonna say that "Yes, people do care about me" Then my answer is No. The only person that really cares about me is my mom, i cant even talk about my depression with her cause she will get me to a therapist or something. Like if i die i won't deal with my teachers that hate me, tell me im not shit, and im stupid, and give me massive amounts of homework. I just really hate this, I Have no friends, im insecure, and i sit on my computer all day, like if i just commit suicide it will all be gone, and if i do that maybe someone will actually see the damage, and will start to like me, but hey that's only if i die, if i go to my old friends and shit they all will laugh at me and talk behind my back, THERE ARE NO GOOD FRIENDS. The only friends i want is people like you guys. That's all Thanks. Hope i die.
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self.depression
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Does anyone feel like life is full of mistakes on repeat? The same foolish mistakes again and again, and each time it's less redeemable and less recoverable.
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self.depression
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Ended up missing work yesterday because of my depression/anxiety now I feel bad I called in sick yesterday to work and now I feel bad for doing it. I felt so depressed and my anxiety kept me up. I felt anxious and not real. I hate when my anxiety takes over and it keeps me from living. And in my case just simply going to work. I only work at McDonald’s but still it’s hard to get out of bed at times. And I don’t want to seem weak or lazy. I also don’t sleep well. I’m constantly worrying and being compulsive. I wish people would understand. But I can’t tell them i have anxiety they would probably be like what the hell? That’s nothing. When it is something to me.
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self.depression
|
I feel so lonely I'm 16 years old
Too young to die and all that shit I know
Every problem in my life either stems from or is worsened by, loneliness
A while ago, I bought a rope, tied a noose and hid it away
I've come close so many times to trying to hang myself
The only thing that has stopped me is the fact that I don't have a strong enough support to hold my weight
Now I'm considering walking to a nearby apartment which is like 20 stories high, and jumping off of it.
Maybe I'm just not cut out for this life
I barely have any issues and I'm acting like it's the end of the goddamn world,
I don't have what it takes to deal with problems
I'm too weak
I just want everything to end
I don't want to deal with these issues
Edit : Reddit for mobile. Your post formatting sucks.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Mild social anxiety getting in the way of work So I need to earn some extra cash. Well not need, but want. It will help. My university campus is involved in JoyRun, a service in which volunteers make trips to fast food places for students and deliver. I have delivered a little bit before and done just fine. But I've been to anxious to do it the last several weeks. The app interface is awful. I'm afraid to fuck up someone's order. I bought extra paper bags to help organize customers' food and bottles of soda to offer if I screw up. But I still am afraid to get in my car and start accepting orders. I tell myself it's because of the bad app interface, but other "Runners" do just fine. They don't seem to care or give a fuck if they fuck up; they just deal with it if/when it happens. But I can't even make it that far. Well I can. But I'm too cowardly to get the practice I need to get there.
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self.Anxiety
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Once I'm off to college, I'll kill myself. And that's even if I make it that far. I already am on the verge anyways, I'll genuinely be surprised if I make it that far. But if I do, I'll definitely kill myself then. Living on my own with someone I don't know will be the end of me. And even if THAT doesn't make me kill myself, when I inevitably fail my classes and fuck up a bunch of social situations, THAT will definitely be the nail in the coffin. I feel bad for everyone I'll be leaving behind, but it can't be helped. I'm not strong enough to make it on my own in the real world anyways.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I need to know what is wrong with me [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I had to make this post. It's 12:10 AM and I have to get up in about 6 hours.
I'm feeling really low and hurting right now, as loneliness is always so much worse in the evenings when im by myself.
Scrolling through my twitter, I refuse to make any sad posts on there or other social media like i did when i was in high school. It's not like those ever garnered any messages or concerns from anyone.
I have no one to text how I feel or to vent to, and it's been a while since I've vented on here, so why the hell not.
If you're feeling lonely and hopeless that you'll ever find anyone, sitting in front of your computer screen in the middle of the night; night after night, I just want you to know you aren't alone.
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self.depression
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Are some of these Un-normal reactions to Bupropion SR? Generic Wellbutrin SR [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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My mother called me heartless when I didn't cry [deleted]
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self.depression
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I'm trying but I'm lost Sorry, I don't know how long this will be :P. I'm anxious to post this as well, sigh. I'm going to mention I'm in my last year of high school so I'm trying to focus on revising and work too.
I have depression and anxiety and a couple months ago I was ready to commit suicide. I no longer self harm and I haven't gone back to the bridge I was going to jump off since then and I'm working with a social worker to go back to therapy and get medication. There's also other stuff in my life, which I guess is serious, that I need to learn to deal with or get past which I'm not going to mention here. However I'm going to say that one of my sisters took drugs which led her to having schizophrenia and when I was 2 she committed suicide after multiple attempts in the past.
I've recently started talking to someone properly. Like, I've talked to them in the past when I see them but not a lot but they told me they have attempted suicide multiple times and that they have schizophrenia, which of course immediately made me think of my sister and I guess I'm thinking that I can't let what happened to her, happen to anyone else. They refuse to go to therapy as they had a bad experience in the past with it and refuse to take medication as it makes them angry and they don't want to hurt their friends. I don't know what i can do to help and if something happens I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.
I'm worried what I say might make them worse as I obviously know from what I've experienced how easily suicidal people can read into small things. I know all my close friends have mental illnesses and I try an do what I can to help them through it and help them feel better when I can. I know someone who gets abused as well and I worry about them all the time as I am not able to get in contact with them. I've tried to tell them to talk to childline or something like that but the last time they did, it made it worse so they won't. I feel so lost as to what I could do to help these people and deal with what I'm facing right now too. I know that sometimes I should help myself first but I can't. I'm the type of person to help everyone around me first because I don't want them facing what I have. I'll choose to fake being happy before showing how I feel to anyone, even the people I am closest too.
How can I even try and make myself better when these people are going through so much, but how can I try and help them if I can't even help myself. I just feel hopeless at this moment in time. Like, helping people, which to be honest feels like most of the time, is draining me and by the end of it I don't have any energy left to fight my own thoughts so the negative shit is just let into my mind I guess? If that makes sense? I know it sounds selfish but I don't know, its what I'm thinking. I wish I could just have all the problems they're going through instead of them because they don't deserve it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don’t know if i’m still depressed. I don’t feel numb or sad, but i feel unmotivated, unfulfilled, blank and flat. I don’t want to end it all, but i don’t care if i live or die. I can almost feel pain and numbness creeping into me sometimes, but it just goes away as soon as it came. I honestly don’t even know what i want anymore.
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self.depression
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I am sick of being sick, is it sickness or is it just me? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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30 days on, no change. I posted here a little over a month ago, asking how I could go on. Somehow 30 days has passed and I feel just the same, perhaps even a bit worse.
I am living in a now freezing and illegal van. I lost my job due to my depression and anxiety and have little to no income for the essentials. Together with my partner we have approached the local council, the county council, the local MP, the housing department and so many others I've lost count. All for nothing. All I want is somewhere safe and warm to live without being constantly made to feel like the scum at the bottom of a barrel that no one wants to deal with. Somewhere I might be able to heal, to feel a bit better about my worthless self and this pathetic excuse for a life that I have.
My feelings and thoughts about suicide haven't changed, it's a comforting thought, one of a few. I think about having the ultimate control over the way I feel. I know that if it carries on hurting like this, I can take away all the pain, forever.
I have visited a mental health professional, who promised I would be receiving care by now, and still nothing. I feel so abandoned, so utterly despondent and above all I just feel empty. I'm not a person worth helping, just another number trying to sponge from the system. At the moment, I have nothing except what's in the van, there's no heating and no food.
Because of how awful I've been feeling I've put off talking to friends and family. I don't want anyone to know just how bad the situation is, and just how much of a failure I am. Thanks for reading, if you did.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Does anyone else get told that "you've made so much progress" yet that's clearly untrue? I saw a doctor I hadn't seen for two years recently and she told me I had made so much progress... in the two years since I saw her I have lost my job, my friends, my plans, my body is covered in horrendous self harm scars, I live off government handouts, I've been sectioned three times and I've lost all hope. How on earth is that progress?
It's not just my doctor who says it, my parents sometimes do, when I used to see a therapist and attend a DBT group I'd get told about my progress... there is no progress! I'm constantly going backwards! Stop lying to me... you may as well slap me with the whole "it gets better" or "this too shall pas". Then when I say to them that I don't agree they get angry with me for being 'negative'. I've needed 21 stitches in the last two weeks, that's not progress. It upsets me when people lie to me like this :(
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self.depression
|
Tired of life at 17 I have the urge to kill myself. I don’t think i actually want to do it. I spend all my nights trying to distract myself from cutting and thinking about suicide. I’m tired of not being happy and fighting this urge like i don’t see any benefits i guess?? ill be dead so the aftermath doesn’t matter to me. I just want the feeling to go away so my other option is to get help. Recently a lot of teachers have been watching me and asking about my life due to the fact that i haven’t been caring about my appearance, attendance or grades. The counselor wants to have a meeting and i’m thinking about telling her i want to kill myself. What will happen after i tell her? Who should i tell to get help?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I got my IQ tested and I feel bad about myself I took the wechsler IQ test my mom even paid 300 dollars nearly and now I found out my IQ is 99
psychiatrist said 100 is the top 50percent and i'm not even average i'm below average
I cried after I went home after finding out
do I even have a chance at life with this low iq? can I even finish college? I am still young but I already think I cant make it here in this lifetime
I don't want to compare but my brother well he got 145 that's top 0.2 percent I think it seems so unfair
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self.depression
|
The depression ‘chain of events’. Onset of anxiety> “something’s wrong with me”> onset of depression> “shit this isn’t good, what’s happening?”> smoke weed> grades slip> family notices> talk therapy> psychiatrist> weak meds> friends notice> alcohol abuse> grades get worse> family gets worried> strong meds> not yourself anymore> friends get worried> hard drugs> grades are shit> “fuck these meds”> all hope is lost...
Vaguely how it was for me at least. I could fill a book with these arrows > > > lol
Leave a comment with your chain of events. I’d like to hear.
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self.depression
|
I feel like i dont matter. I just dont have a purpose, we recently moved from my old country to a new one and i just dont have a reason to continue. I have no hobbies, motivation, a girlfriend, all i fo everyday is sit at school and take my language lessons who would care if i gave up.
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self.depression
|
I think, it's over for me. The only thing that had been keeping from doing it was the prospect of hurting my parents.
I think I have crossed that barrier now.
I'm fed up of my failures, and of my loneliness.
I wish I had one friend I could call at this hour and talk about this.
I've penned the letter.
Why am I posting this then? Because I'm looking for a reason that could pull me back, even though I really don't want to be pulled back.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Set a Wedding Date, a moment of happiness Took this next step that I thought I'd never see. Who knows how it will turn out, but it was a moment of happiness between us. Even though I battle the symptoms of Bipolar Disorder everyday, I realize my life is better now than it used to be. Mood swings, bad depression, low energy and motivation, bad anxiety, racing thoughts, past manic meltdowns, irritability, all that stuff. And of course social anxiety, so weddings are usually not my favorite thing.
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self.bipolar
|
Hugs I can't remember the last time I hugged someone.
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self.depression
|
somebody please save me from this hell that i cannot escape 😭
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self.depression
|
Rejected for job Preface: I was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and OCD at age 11. I've been really struggling as of late due to family and financial issues.
So, the rejection. The small organization I had my first job at was hiring again. I interviewed and spoke with my old boss. Today I found out I was rejected. Didn't even make it past the first of three rounds.
I'm devastated.
This hurts so much more than a regular rejection, which I've had several of this past month.
These guys know me. They have always given me great recommendations through the years. I just don't get why I wasn't good enough this time. I applied for almost the same job, only this time I have more experience and an advanced degree. I applied because I loved the organization so much.
Like, I know they don't owe me anything. But it hurts so bad.
I am struggling with major feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness, fear that this is it (I only have one more open application for a job now; my field has 2 hiring time ranges and this one is almost done), fear that I'll go bankrupt or be homeless. I don't know what to do. It's a niche field and I don't have any other skills. I'm terrified of the future.
I just need some advice or kind words. Thank you.
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self.depression
|
I cannot wait for death's sweet embrace My anxiety and depression have all but killed me
I'm 31, have never had a friend or girlfriend, live in my parent's basement playing PS4 all day, see a therapist, haven't worked in three years, and dtopped out of university 11 years ago with no want to go back
I've accepted that I'm never gonna have any friends, will never know what love is; even my therapist seems to have given up. If I wasn't such a coward, I'd have killed myself years ago
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self.depression
|
It’s actually pathetic how half of my mental health is tied to his attractive I look to the opposite sex and dating (x-posted) And I don’t even find most men attractive. As in most men don’t catch my interest at all
I don’t know if this is the right place for it, but it’s hitting me that half the reason I’m deeply unhappy with my life and extremely embarrassed about my menial (but temporary) job is because I fear that guys will not find me attractive because they might perceive me to be not ambitious because of my menial job (admin assistant). It’s not like I can wear a sign on me that says “Hey I’m actually very ambitious and want to pursue one of the ultimate ambitions out there which is to be a steady working actress. I’m smart and talented. I’m not my menial mundane day job which I have to have to be financially independent because pursuing your dream costs money”
It’s incredibly depressing when the guy I’m pining after so badly is a guy who’s in a high status job as a lawyer at a huge firm. I’m not worried about my looks as much because although I have extremely low self esteem about that too, I know how I’m perceived which is that I’m pretty attractive. But I’m worried that even if he finds me attractive, he wouldn’t even think about me as someone to date because of my low status job. I wanted to still take a shot and ask him out, but it’s especially discouraging after finding out that he was dating a lot last year. And I just felt like a loser after finding out. He probably went out with a ton of pretty and smart women who have accomplishments to back that up unlike me. Why would he wanna downgrade? Why would he wanna downgrade to a loser who couldn’t handle school due to crippling mental illness (though I’m better now) and is now under a delusional quest to try to make her (pipe) dream a reality?
I just read an article today talking about a study done that says that now men, like women, also want equal status/background/education
I’m basically screwed. I badly badly wish I didn’t care about dating or being desirable. I have terrible luck anyway, but it’s psychologically difficult to not care
|
self.depression
|
Opening up to friends I want to talk to someone about the fact that I've been struggling lately, but I'm ashamed to admit how I feel. Then I think about how incredibly selfish it would be to burden someone with my feelings, and why would I even consider taking up someone's time like that, and I feel even more ashamed. How is this support network thing supposed to work, anyway?
|
self.depression
|
Would mean a lot if atleast one person would read this (I know this is really long but it would mean a lot if you could read the whole thing and give some feedback)Im a 17 year old male. Im not sure how i should feel anymore, some days I’m happy and enjoy simple things, other days i feel so worthless and depressed i dont even feel like getting out of bed. I have no type of connection or bond with anyone at all whatsoever. I at most just have aquantninces at school that i just make small talk with and crack the occasional joke. The thing that confuses me is I honestly dont know why nobody likes me. Im not saying I’m perfect or anything but I’m laid back, have a sense of humor, open minded and I’m nice. I have even been told so.
It makes me feel so shitty when i see people talking about plans they make together, talking about memories they made, taking funny pictures together and bonding. I just sit there thinking to myself why the fuck cant i have something so simple as this. Just a genuine friendship with someone. How awesome would it be to have a group of close friends or just a close friend i could invite for a sleepover, bring snacks, watch movies and spend the whole night having a blast? Or how awesome would it be to plan a road trip with someone and just have an adventure and reminisce about it later? How awesome would it be feel like your important to somebody, and that you matter to them? Im just not the type of person that likes being alone. My mom assumes that the reason why I’m alone all the time is because i just have a lone wolf type of personality but its not true at all. I want to have a best friend or at least have good friends but i dont feel a bond with anyone because nobody is willing to get to know me and bond with me.
I love my family but i dont have much of a bond with them if that makes sense. I have nothing in common with them and we all have different personalities with different mindsets and ways of thinking so thats leads to a lot of arguments and days of us not even speaking to each other. My mother is very loving, and she is honestly the only person and women in my life that makes me feel like i matter, but in the back of my mind i know its only because i happen to her son, and that a mother will always love her child. But its love thats given, and i want someone to care and love about me because they willingly want to, not because they are biased because of blood relation. It gets me thinking, do i really have to be someones child,brother, or sister to get them to care about me? Im definitely appreciative of my mom, dont get the impression that i treat her badly because i dont, but my point still remains.
Finding a girl is just out of the question at this point.i have never been anyones crush, never held hands or even had my first kiss or date. I am completely invisible to them, and when I finally do find a girl that is willing to engage in a conversation with me and make eye contact, I can still tell from their body language and overall way of talking that they are not interested in me. I made the huge mistake of thinking a girl would actually be willing go out on a date with me just because we had a convo. I sat at lunch with her with a mutual friend and thats how we met. She was down to earth, laid back and chill, and she was beautiful. I messaged her on snapchat a few months later to catch up and she gave short answers. Assuming she was just busy, I decided to get to the point and asked if she would like to go out sometime. No answer at all. She left me on read. Haven’t talked since. This happened a year ago and i still feel shitty about it. Whenever i see her at school i feel so fucking shitty. I feel so terrible that i just want to throw up honestly. Its not because I’m obsessed with her, it just a depressing reminder of how I’m cant bond with anyone and it sucks that this girl i had a huge crush on had to be an example of that.
I have tried everything, whenever Its a day where I’m in a good mood and feeling confident it still doesn’t change anything. I honestly dont think I’m a bad looking dude, i dress well, i dont mean to brag but I’m able to afford a lot of nice clothes because my family is wealthy, not living in a mansion, but were definitely financially stable. Its very rare when i like a girl too, I definitely have high standards because i believe I deserve a quality girl because i really do believe I’m worth it, despite this post insecurity is not necessarily an issue for me, so its not confidence. I honestly just want a girl to love me and i love her back, i want us to best-friends at the same time, i want true partnership with a relationship built on trust, respect, loyalty and affection. But most girls my age dont know a clue about any of that or what it means to truly be in love with someone. Sometimes it makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me, or that im not worthy of being loved. Why can another guy gain a women’s love and affection but not me?
I have a fancy car that my mom was nice enough to buy just for me, i got a job to help make payments on it because im not a self entitled brat and i like to earn my possessions. But guess what? I only use it to drive to work, because i have nowhere else to go. Sometimes ill go to chic fil a and eat my food in my car in the parking lot by myself, wondering why the fuck i dont have anyone bumping to music next to me and wondering what the fuck im gonna do with this fancy car.
Im not even asking for advice, because i dont think im depressed, i just feel sad sometimes because of this situation, i guess you could say i have my good and bad days. I have become used to walking up in the morning with no message notifications or invites. I have become used to walking in the hallways with girls just walking past me not even looking at me, and ive become used to trying to make a conversation with someone and they just go on their phone and give short answers. It honestly takes two people to bond and connect for any type of relationship be it or romantic or friendship. Sorry for rambling, if you read this whole thing I really do appreciate it, if not thats cool too. Rant over. Goodnight homies
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self.depression
|
Gf having a breakdown please help My girlfriend is having a really hard time right now, but I don't know what to do.
She's really stressed under a huge workload, and her parents don't give her an easy time about it. She just had a small breakdown, ranting at me over text. This has been building for a while despite my attempts to help, and she is doing some self-harm (cutting).
As someone who had never experienced this myself, I have no idea what to do. Can you help me?
|
self.Anxiety
|
This might sound stupid... but often I tell myself: "The best you can do for yourself right now is go to sleep". And it actually helps. You have all these worries and they keep you awake and all that stupid shit. So often I say: "the best you can do is sleeping right now" (because sleeping routine is the basis of a composed life and a functional body) and that helps soothe me and actually sleep...
|
self.Anxiety
|
Why am I such a sad person? Like people tell me that I'm pretty and cute but I just can't see it. Like I look in the mirror and I just get depressed and start crying. Like seriously I question every moment of the day if I will ever find someone. Years ago I posted a pic of myself on yahoo answers and everyone had to tell me how ugly I was.
What do you think I should do?
|
self.depression
|
I have a great idea for a book, catchy music ideas, but all I feel like doing is sleeping and watching Netflix and wanting to let everything be over [deleted]
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self.depression
|
People I know are already making plans for New Years Eve and I'm just here knowing I will be alone I already know I will be alone because nobody will invite me to go anywhere and even if they do I would have to say no because I'm too anxious. It's really frustating because I'd love to be a normal boy who gets drunk and have fun but I don't even have someone to do it with. I guess I'm destined to a future of loniless and depression.
|
self.depression
|
Lapse or hallucination? Something weird happened to me today. I was in the kitchen with my mom and she asked me to bring the salt to the table. I was in front of two plates: mine and my grandma's. I supposed my mom had taken hers and my dad's already. So I was there in the kitchen looking for the salt when I heard my grandma say from the dining room "That's for me? I won't be able to finish it!". That surprised me, so I turned around and... her plate was gone. I asked my mom and she said she took three plates, including grandma's, and no one else had entered the kitchen since the three of them were at the table together. But that's impossible because I swear I had two plates with me when she left the kitchen. I SAW that plate very clearly, as I wondered how I was going to carry everything. I still have the image in my mind. I just laughed it off in front of them, but I'm actually a bit worried.
I'm BP2 and I've never had any visual hallucinations besides the usual "shadows in the corner of your eyes" when I was in mixed episodes and with no meds. I'm currently on meds, and I've been stable these days. But then again, the other day I heard someone calling me from behind, but there was no one there, and I also heard a woman's voice saying random numbers in my right ear (I asked and my coworkers said they couldn't hear anything). I know you can't have psychosis outside of an episode, so I'm confused as to what could be causing this. Could it be a new side effect from meds (Lithium and Lexapro)? Or the beginning of a hypomanic episode with the beginning of Spring?
I'm seeing my pdoc in May, but I'd like to read other people's opinion in the meantime since it's starting to scare me a bit.
|
self.bipolar
|
I'm trying to do it right now why is it so hard It's scary and fucking hard but I'm ready I'm trying to do it
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I wish I was back at the mental hospital Just so that I don't have to deal with the bullshit of life....
I swear everyday I get closer and closer to kms....
|
self.depression
|
Do your panic attacks get stronger, when you have them less often? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
I promised I wouldn't First off, don't you dare tell my how I need help, or how bad I am. I already know.
I promised I wouldn't.
And I had to fuck up band practice of all things. And hurt one of the people I love most. And I want to apologize. I can't. I also want to go back and shoot. "Is it your anxiety?" You knew. You fucking knew and you did nothing. I know it's not his fault. He wouldn't have known what to do. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please, I'm sorry. And I can't tell you. And I can't go to you and beg your forgiveness. I can't. I'm sorry for shouting. I'm sorry. Please just keep being happy, I can't bear to see you sad. Though I don't know if they'll be much more seeing. I'm sorry. What will I do on Friday?
I promised I wouldn't have a panic attack. But look at me now. I lied when I told myself I hadn't, because I don't remember a damn thing. I just know he wore an orange cost, when I hurt him and wasted everyone else's time. When I waited and cried to beg for sympathy. I'm sorry.
I'm going to clean the marks, because when I pretend it's someone else who cares enough it feels better for a while. And when I get the water so hot it hurts it feels like a small fragment redemption. I'm some strange, beautiful way the pain makes it all feel better.
I want to blame my parents. Say if they had accepted me when I was younger it would be okay. That I wouldn't have learned to overthink what is okay and not okay to show until it rips me apart. But apparently anxiety is genetic too, so it's probably that. I could be better by now, but I'm always being too useless instead of fixing myself. It's probably not even anxiety, not like it's ever been diagnosed. I'm probably making it up for all the attention that I hate. It's all a contradiction anyway.
I'm sorry Matt, I'm so sorry.
"What's up?" The sky. The sky is up. See? It's okay? I'm sorry.
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self.offmychest
|
My life could have been so much better But since I'm a piece of shit, I've lost so many opportunities because of lack of information, or because of fear, mostly fear, or simply because I wasn't interested at the time. One example is this girl at high school, she was obviously into me and i did absolutely NOTHING about it. No wonder I was bullied, i was *[deleted]* back then, maybe I am a bit nowadays but I think I got better from back then.
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self.offmychest
|
everything that happens is just another reminder that i was raped and that my mother doesn't even care about it [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
22 year old and I still can't stand up to my controlling dad A point in my childhood, my dad was the hyper-controlling parent. Not that there is anything wrong with regulating your kids, but not to that level where you need to manage even every petty little detail. I never really talked back to him because I know that temper tantrums and anger fits and corporal punishment would be the result. Obeying was the key.
My parents went through a divorce when I was in high school. It was their thing and my mom didn't want to get me involved.
A few months into the divorce (all of us still lived under the same house) he became INCREASINGLY emotionally abusive/oppressive to my mom and me. And every opportunity he saw to stir up some argument and disturb the peace, he would take it. It was usually towards my mom, but often I was collateral damage and he didn't care. After an event, my mom eventually got fed up with everything and called the police to get kick out of the house. He is no longer allowed within a certain distance from the property.
I moved away for college. Throughout my undergrad, my mom paid for all of my tuition and living expenses (after financial aid). She didn't make that much money, so she didn't have much to herself. He provided no support.
Fast forward. I am now attending grad school near home, so I am living under my mom's roof. She continues to pay for my living expenses and I pay my own tuition.
Throughout the years since my dad got kicked out of the house, we've had minimal contact. He would call me every 3-6 months asking to go have dinner, but often times it seemed like it was for the purpose of being in control, it was never about me. He would ask for details of the house. He would ask for bills and receipts from my college years and ask my to calculate the amount my mom contributed, but when I said she paid for everything he would accuse me of lying. I don't think he really understood what being a father meant.
When we still lived together, he often had periods of unemployment. And after the divorce, he's been often unemployed. He's been unemployed for the past 1.5 years and now he's demanding a huge chunk of my mom's salary as spousal support. My mom's health is deteriorating, but she works day and night to make a meager salary, in addition to paying for my living expenses. This is wrong. Even if the so-called "law" says it's so-called "legal", morally I do not think this is right. Especially for a man who has been oppressive, emotionally abusive, and unsupportive.
So what's the issue?
It's Thanksgiving and he's been calling to have our semi-annual dinner where he asks for information and potential things he can use to bring to court. But this is it, he's crossed MY LINE with the spousal support demand. I want to tell him that I will no longer see him if he continues with this. He wasn't supportive of my education and living expenses, fine, that's fine. But now taking money that isn't his, indefinitely, that is not fine with me.
So why not just tell him?
Well you see...I've never spoken up to him in my life, EVER. I've talked back, debated, argued, demanded, stood against many different people in life, younger, older, superior, subordinate, but NEVER him. I guess a part of my fear from childhood is still inside of me.
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self.offmychest
|
Lowering the bar It's consolation that there are still women willing to let me fuck them for money.
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self.offmychest
|
i know what i have to do and do it i feel like a stick of butter is resting in my lungs.
all this time you've been better, i think, but i still can't get close again. as stupid as it sounds, it really is like a magnet pushing us apart now, where it used to be pulling us towards each other. i'm sorry, i guess, that i'm so cold and emotionless now.
i'm not even doing it on purpose, i just can't make a move. i am constantly reminded of that feeling i had those days you were drinking. every time i hear a can open, i get angry. it doesn't matter where i am or whose can it is.
i'm so stuck. i know things are good. it's like what i had been dreaming of, wanting so so much. i feel like i'm secure, and cared for, and someone loves me. but i'm too scared to actually want that anymore.
it's going to turn out to be another time you've fooled me. if i give in, i dont think i can come back again if you break me.
i'm just here, every day just hoping someone else will move my life along for me.
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self.offmychest
|
COFFEEEEEEEEEEE Drinking coffeeeeeeeeeee, my thoughts are starting to raaaaaaace, I'm feeling fucking greeeeeeeeat, I'M SO FUCKING PRODUCTIVE!
Drinking coffeeeeeeeeeeee like a shot feels amaaaaaaaazing. I might just be a bit worked up at the moment. LOL God! Why did I cut down on my caffeine consumption, again? This feels greeeeeeeeeat.
Weeeeeeeeeh I'm gonna be so productive~
(I swear I'm not hypomanic right now!)
EDIT: Definitely hypomanic. Recovering from a small panic attack. Paranoia, crippling anxiety, fear, fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. This wasn't worth it. Fuck.
|
self.bipolar
|
Life is just a whore. I fucking hate you dumb whore, I fucking do good for nothing piece of shit, fuck offff.
You teach people to be nice, and then fuck them up. FUCKKKK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU double sided bitch.
If I ever find you I'm going to kill you without any doubt.
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self.depression
|
I always feel alone, If someone would kill me, that’d be greatttt [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I want to be happy, but I just can't [deleted]
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self.depression
|
i need a friend. i feel like im drowning and trying to bail myself out with a straw. I don't know who else to talk to and I'm not even sure what to say. I just today decided to type depression into the search bar and found you all.
I'm supposed to raise my two children, but I don't want to get out of bed. My husband calls me lazy. When I tell him I am sad or probably depressed, he calls me a drama queen and tells me to suck it up because he is not going to waste his money on a "shrink that won't actually help, just wants free money off of gullible people." I never leave my house. I haven't had a job... Ever... He's always wanted me to he a stay at home mom and because of that, nobody will give me a chance. I wanted to go to university for cosmetology, because it's something I've always loved, but I was told that, "that's a waste of money and time. Doing hair and nails is for trailer trash who has given up on being respected in life."
It has gotten to the point that I have given up. Smiling hurts my face and makes me break down and ugly cry tears and snot everywhere. I'm not the mother I want to be. I'm fully dependent upon other people and I just want to die. Not cease to exist.. I want to die. I'm curious to know if anyone would care of I ended the agony. But I can't. One of my children is autistic and I am his "safe/comfort" person... So I'm stranded on this island.
I lock my phone and hide everything I do on technology because I can't let my kids find out that all I do is research ways to disappear or kill myself. This makes my husband accuse me of cheating on him. I don't know what to do.
Please help me, someone. 😭😭😭
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self.depression
|
Addictive to depression? I don't know how to explain this but feeling depressed gives me hope and at the same time it feels good, i feel unique, it makes me feel special in some twisted way, its like it gives my life a purpouse, i kinda like to feel sad and listen to music at 4am thinking about how shitty life is, about how alone im going to be the rest of my life, i don't know, its like an addiction.
I kinda feel that being in this state gives me something, like it allows me to be more in the present or something, i don't know it makes me feel something i can't understand
Edit: Its like i love being in this melancolic mood and i think i learn like a lot about myself and who i am idk, it is like when im in this state im focused in myself it is so retrospective i don't know
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self.depression
|
How do you open up to the ones you love [deleted]
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self.depression
|
30 years after Prozac arrived, we still buy the lie that chemical imbalances cause depression https://qz.com/1162154/30-years-after-prozac-arrived-we-still-buy-the-lie-that-chemical-imbalances-cause-depression/
Interesting read, curious what everyone's thoughts are on the article. Recently diagnosed with Dysthymia w/ anxiety, I've been suffering through this for years but only started getting help in the last year. I'm on my 4th antidepressant (zoloft, wellbutrin, lexapro, effexor) now with no success. Additionally i've always been curious if for example SSRI's are the first line in medication assisted treatmeant and the theory is to boost levels of serotonin then why aren't blood samples tested to check what an individuals baseline levels are vs. 2 months later when it reaks peak plasma levels VS. baseline levels of individuals who are not depressed?
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self.depression
|
My anxiety/ocd has been really awful recently Ive been doing lots of rituals and compulsions since my obsessive thoughts are outta control. What would u do? I have this thing where I hate saving texts if something upsets me that day. I feel like I have to delete them since keeping them somehow "preserves" the negativity of that day. I know logically this is completely irrational but I feel like deleting anyway since it will stop me from being bothered. But if I delete them, then I succumb to my irrational ocd/anxiety. What would u do? Any advice.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Delusions and confirmation and weirdness there's been a recent joke rising online about 'the fbi agent monitoring me on my laptop/phone' and i've never laughed at them, even smiled. i realised today that it's because that's been one of my multiple paranoid delusions my whole adult life, probably even younger thanks to my conspiracy theorist (also HELLA bipolar) father talking to me about these things when i was too young for that kind of deep shit. i don't have many day to day triggers but seeing crap on buzzfeed like '23 twitter jokes about the fbi agents watching you waste your life on netflix' or whatever always makes my brain feel jumpy, unsettled and generally just weirded out as fuck, because after years of being told it's just paranoid delusions, it's just the bipolar, nobody's out to get me, suddenly 'normal' people are just out here acknowledging that we're monitored, and it makes me like 'well, shit, is the other stuff i think true then?'
i don't know if i've explained it well, but i have been wondering if anyone else who's had similar paranoid thoughts feels weird about this joke too. i'd never whinge or ask people to stop talking about it for my sake - it's good to call out government shit and be mistrustful to an extent - but fucking hell, it makes me feel WEIRD. :( i have to read something calming when i see one of these jokes or my brain goes a bit haywire.
thanks for reading. soz for the ramble. thank goodness for this forum (even though everything i say can be seen by the fbi lmao).
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self.bipolar
|
I (22m) just quit the best payimg Job I've ever had. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Why does it still feel this way after more than 2 years and can't seem to forget you. We started in chemistry class in high school and graduated as friends. Two years later I somehow just messaged you on facebook and it turned into a music discussion. We shared our music and ended it with us going out. I tried to kiss you after numerous dates but pussied out and kissed you on the nose. You were the strong one. You were the one that confessed that you had feelings for me and that was when I had the confidence to kiss you. Our relationship lasted for two years. It felt like a month. It has been 2 years or so since we broke up and there are days that I still feel like it was the 1st day you broke up with me. I somehow remember you on half hour drives after my work when I hear a song about love. I listen to a lot of NPR now and not listen to any song but somehow I am still reminded of you. I go to a liquor store and buy a drink to help me sleep. I wake up hungover and go to the gym and sweat out the alcohol and go to work. Why the fuck can't I stop remembering you.
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self.offmychest
|
Exercise Routine Help? (I'm having a very bad day, so I apologize for the petty rant you're about to read)
Like a lot of people here, I feel very stuck. Stuck in a loop of unemployment, which means that I don't have any money to move out of my parents house, or for decent food or a gym membership. Because I find it easier to eat garbage (as a weird way of punishing myself for being a piece of shit person), and because I'm too discouraged to find the energy to work out, I'm always tired. Because I'm always tired, I find myself moping around all day and not getting anything done, which just makes me feel worse about myself.
I know that the first step is to at least try feeling better about myself, and that needs to start physically. When I was first diagnosed with depression 8 years ago, I was about 100 lbs overweight. I somehow found the drive to work it all off, and even gain a bit of muscle mass.
Now I'm not 100 lbs overweight, but I have a gut I despise, some of my clothes are fitting too small, and I'm exhausted all the time. I need to turn this around, because coffee ain't cutting it anymore.
It's harder this time because I don't feel like I deserve to be the best me that I can be. There are days where I tell myself "Don't bother, you're just waiting to die anyway".
Has anyone else here overcome both the crippling mental and physical challenges of getting in shape while combating depression? And if so, ANY advice you could give me would be extremely appreciated.
|
self.depression
|
I miss her I had a very special friend that I made in High school, time went by and I developed a strong crush on her but i know she doesn't feel the same for me and we stopped talking all of a sudden. Point is that I miss her, and I know it's not a good idea to try to talk with her because she doesn't feel the same way, but i don't know how to fill the void that she left in me. I miss that we would talk every day without getting bored.
Do you guys have any advice for me?
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self.offmychest
|
Does anyone else have a love-hate relationship with social media because of your depression? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Anyone else experience leg/foot tremors? I often feel tremors in my legs/feet that make it feel like the ground beneath me is moving either up or down.
I often get them in situations that aren’t making me anxious at all, but then I’ll get a tremor and that’s what will make me get anxious.
Anyone else experience similar things?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Headaches After Going Out Hi!
So I have a type of OCD anxiety which occurs in social situations or just about in any situation in which I am in the same space as other people including public transport, classrooms, cafes, etc. So I'm currently focusing a lot on overcoming my huge avoidance issues I had since 2015 and am facing any anxiety provoking situation head-on.
I've noticed that now when I go out for a few hours I tend to come back with terrible headaches which are in keeping with symptoms of migraines- nausea, light sensitivity, pain in my eyes and front of my head/temples, noise sensitivity, etc.
So I was wondering if anyone else gets headaches when facing their anxieties and if you have managed to find anything which helps with dealing with these subsequent headaches or if anyone found that after a few months of doing exposure therapy they tend to fade or anything else helpful!
Thanks in advance!
|
self.Anxiety
|
I honestly wish that, one of these days when I wake up, that I end up at some point in the past when I was happy. I know it's never going to happen, but I'm so tired of dealing with this mental torture day after day.
|
self.depression
|
I’m done letting myself be disappointed by women I like. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
The Misunderstood Millennial It's as if, in our western culture, living to be "perfect" has become the norm. Where you want to take time to improve yourself, but have trailing thoughts of "falling behind" and the feeling of regret floods your system; the rest of your day is filled with anxious thoughts or the anticipation of stressors.
If you are not being perfect, you are behind, you are a loser. Got a bad grade on an exam? Look around you, everyone did well; why did you do so poorly? You're a failure. Why is this the 3rd time you've read that paper? Can you not understand simple English? How many more times do you have to read it? It's not that hard! Why are you not paying attention to the lecture? Stop getting distracted you pathetic loser; you have now spaced out for the first 15 minutes of lecture, not even worth listening to the rest of it, you're not gonna understand anything!
This is my best friend talking, "Anxiety." Nobody actually is verbally telling me this, and yet, it's what it feels like.
A high self-monitoring, highly sensitive person, with anxiety that cries for no reason from time to time may know what I am talking about. I don't really know if those diagnoses are even correct. After searching on google for a couple of hours, those were the conclusions I arrived to. Whether true or not, I just spent hours browsing on the internet to diagnose myself with conditions that might be catalyzed simply of the usage of the internet, this bullshit artificial world.
Anecdotally, our generation is fucked. I had an approach in writing out my post, but as I proceed, I only get angrier. Maybe the more I think about my life, why I am here? What am I doing? Is it important? I negatively get circulated in my own head.
I am not suicidal, maybe not yet, I don't really know. I just don't really want to do anything anymore. I barely have time for myself, and when I do, I feel like I am falling behind in this competitive society we have created. And so the only thing I have left to do is work.
Currently I am a student in Psychology, go figure. I have a job and work in a research lab that is geared toward research in stress, go figure again. My grades aren't even great. For the amount of time I spend doing homework/lab-work, the results are pretty shitty. I fear my professors and mentors look down on me, disappointed, whether true or not that only adds more anxiety.
Anytime I open up to anyone, I am disregarded, not really taken seriously. I am very high in self-monitoring and so I never try to be negative or have unmotivated behavior around me peers. I have this disguise, happy, jolly, joke around (A LOT), and always try to keep everyone mentally engaged in discussions. And so with this behavior, it's easy to see someone disregarding my attempts in opening up or sharing personal information. I used to cry a lot, especially right after social interactions, strangely. I think it has to do with how lonely I get. I'd have a decent interaction with someone and maybe think to myself I am never going to have a nice genuine conversation like that again, and so I cry. Now I always get a feeling of wanting to cry. It's the feeling of your gut sinking and sinuses bulging slightly, but I am able to stop myself quickly.
It doesn't stop there. I don't make many attempts to make any friends. How is it, as a highly social creature, to not even attempt at making new friends. I think we are in a mental epidemic, and it's only getting worse and my escape to the field of Psychology is my way of finding out what the fuck is actually wrong with me. I feel so empty, so lost, I have depressive and manic times that sometimes last months. I read books to escape reality. I don't have goals, passions, vision. I am sure I have maybe some things going for me, but I can't think of any as I am in that circulatory way of thinking right now and I can't seem to get out.
I don't want to live, but I also don't want to die. I don't know what I want, but I just wanted to post this somewhere.
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self.SuicideWatch
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i feel weird about what my doctor did to me when i was a little kid, my gp at the time (who was a male) used to peek under my underwear when i went to see him and looking back on it, it makes me very uncomfortable to think about.
ive heard it's a normal thing for some doctors to do, but i still feel weird about it and i feel stupid for even being weirded out by it since it's a normal thing. it feels very invasive, especially since he was a male doctor.
it's in the past and there's not anything i can do about it now but i feel really uncomfortable and bad thinking about it. i feel like im overreacting as well
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self.offmychest
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How to deal with work anxiety? Lately i feel like i have been thrust into situations that i am absolutely not ready for.
i keep getting put in sitations that i have no training yet i am expected to manage things on a way higher level then i am. its frustrating because i feel increasingly isolated at work while expecting to maintain my previous workload as i keep getting more and more ramped up.
I can barely sleep and i feel like i am on this runaway ride with no stop.
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self.Anxiety
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Uh huh, yeah. Sup?
So, I WAS coming here to offload a bunch of stuff in regards to my growing bad circumstances, but after drifting on the forums for a good six or some some-odd minutes, I've come to agree with what I see. I have no money, I've been looking for a job to no avail, talking to a recruiter to join back up with the army, but the military's "Hurry Up and Wait" policy is still very much in effect, so I have to do things on HIS time. Rent is past due, and to top it all off, my phone refuses to charge, so any chance of me contacting a veteran's financial assistance line is out of the fucking window. I'm sitting on my laptop in a Dunkin' Donuts, contemplating suicide, but not being able to cope with the idea of bleeding out on the floor. Parents are narcissistic, and any "friends" I have here are flakes, so fuck them. I guess my real question is, how do I disappear? I mean, nobody knows where the fuck I am right now anyway, so why not? I want serious answers, as this isn't some attempt to gather sympathy. Feelings of pity won't help me with my rent, or put gas in my car, or stop my mother from trying to kill me with her goddamned narcissism, so keep them. Death is an option too, so if you have any painless ways to go, that'd be much appreciated. Societal and financial rejects are meant to die, I see and accept that now.
Thanks.
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self.offmychest
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I’ve been lonely for so long to the point where I actually like it. This sounds stupid, but do any of you guys feel the same way?
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self.depression
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I’m not the daughter my parents deserve. To put things into perspective I’m 32 and my parents are in their mid 50s.
I feel so worthless that I can’t hack life being an adult. I should be living by my self and have a boyfriend or husband by now. I know my mom wants grand children but I don’t have anything like that in my life. At this rate I’ll die alone. Instead of living on my own I have had to move back in with my parents. I can’t pay my bills even with the job I have. Normally it would be ok, but I became reckless with money and racked up more debt than I can pay. I’m not doing well in my job and due to the downsizing I might lose my job. It’s just getting to be too much. Hell I didn’t even move out of my parents house until last year. I didn’t even make it past a year on my own.
They deserve better than me. I’m just worthless piece of crap. They would be better off without me mooching off them.
Sorry that this is all over the place.
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self.depression
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I Constantly Think About When I Was a Child Sorry if this post is unstructured but I just feel like rambling. Every single day I think back to how happy I was as a child. I loved life. I had a 100 in every subject in school, I played sports, I had a ton of friends, and life was just good. What's even sadder is that I'm only 15. I remember believing that I would be some great mathematician when I grow up, or that I would be an extremely talented musician. I thought I had so much potential. If 8 year old me saw what I turned out to be, he'd probably kill himself. I'm moderately obese, short, stupid, ugly, lazy, and whiny. Whenever I try to say something I'm always told "it's just hormones" or "you'll get through it", which leads me to believe that the people who I love and who I trust enough to talk to can't even bother to have a conversation with me. School is shitty. I have a 4.0 but I fucking hate it. Those 6-7 hours a day really fuck me. Sitting in a chair listening to some depressed and dickish teacher talk about some bullshit that I don't understand because they don't care enough to teach properly. Every night I stay up late, either doing homework or just to avoid waking up and going to school. I know alot of you talk about how you sleep all of the time, but I barely sleep at all. All sleeping does is get me to school sooner. I hate talking about it at all because I'm pretty sure my mother just thinks I'm some edgy teenager. I've heard that psychedelics have the possibility to cure depression or something like that, so I'll be trying that soon. If something profound happens I'll post anywhere from 1-3 months from now. Bye.
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self.depression
|
S.O. has projected anger at me I realize this is a normal event for most people, but given our relationship, this is not a normal event. She's been very understanding and patient with me, but yesterday she exploded at me for no reason. We're currently going through runs of communication, but her explanation was "it was a nicotine fit, I'm sorry."
This has been happening more and more and my psychiatrist had advised me about "avoiding being friends with bears" due to being abused as a child, and I really need guidance to help figure out if I need to go that route or really try to figure out if there's a way to reconcile and keep on living as life partners.
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm a mess of job-related anxieties Hi everyone -- longtime lurker, first time poster. Could use some help here.
I've suffered from varying degrees of general anxiety related to my job for the past three years. I'm a lawyer and I've been at the same firm for about seven years. At first it was great, and in many ways it still is. But I'm burnt out. I no longer enjoy the type of law I practice or the types of clients I serve. I get anxiety and panic attacks whenever a work email pops up on my phone. I'm constantly stressed that I'm not working hard enough, or that I'm going to screw something up. My chest hurts and I can't sleep. Even when I'm doing something fun, like playing with my kid, or having dinner with my wife, or hanging with friends, depression is always lurking over my shoulder, just threatening to swallow me whole.
Almost a year ago, I decided to try out a totally different career path. The interview process has been tough. I've applied to 40 different positions and made it to the final round four times. Three of those times, I didn't get the job. The fourth job told me they'd get back to me before Thanksgiving. So far they haven't.
I'm barely holding it together here. I keep going to work and putting on a happy face, trying not to tip anyone off about my job search. But I feel like a phony, like I'm lying to my colleagues, lying to my boss, and lying to my clients. I'm also nervous I'm putting too many hopes on this job search, since I know that no job will alleviate my anxieties (and some might even make them worse). And, of course, I'm stressing the F out, just waiting, waiting, waiting to hear back about this job, trying not to get my hopes up, but so eager for some personal validation and some light at the end of this tunnel.
Thoughts? Words of encouragement? A good kick in the ass? I'll take them all. Just looking to commiserate. Thanks everyone.
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm popular online, but anonymously Ok, I'll be a fucking loser saying this but I own meme pages, one with 50k likes. I stay at home mostly and hardly go out. I just post and watch the likes roll in, it fuels my dopamine, the same effect of smoking, I dont smoke tho. But really, I think that social media and making people happy laughing at the videos posted on the meme page make me more depressed. I'm just that lonely guy posting stuff and getting people just entertained for a few seconds while they move on with their lives. I mean who the hell has 50k likes but no friends? Me. I tried telling people I had one hoping for recognition or a collab or just a "holy shit man" but nah not really. I guess I was born to be an anonymous producer of shitty content to keep my depression levels down rather than a party animal with 5000 friends in real life driving porsches in italy and fucking hot models in france. yeh fucking end me.
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self.depression
|
I feel like I'm not respected. Or needed. People seem to think they can push me around and take advantage of me with no consequences. Largely because they can. I'm ignored and pushed out of people's lives without as much as a word to why. People close to me don't keep their word, respect my opinions on anything, or trust me with anything. A recent ex treated my problems and the issues my family is going through as though they were just excuses to not drive her around. She called us lazy liars and told me personally that she hopes I die alone, miserable, and unloved. And I feel like she's right. People love people that they can get something from, and I have nothing to give. I'm a burden to the people in my life at best. I'm needy and incompetent, I have Aspergers and don't always understand myself, I can't drive or do anything well. Why would people want to deal with someone like me? Ultimately, being alone would probably be for the best. I'd be more work for somebody else than I'm worth. Sorry for going on so long.
Edit: The worst part about having problems like these is that you can't talk about them. Nobody wants to deal with a broken person and people get tired of hearing about the problems you have.
TL;DR: I feel like people don't care about me because I can't do or give anything in return for their care.
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self.depression
|
I think my life has gone on long enough I think it started ever since I could think ahead. I've lived the majority of my life thinking to myself that life is pointless and if I had a choice to be born I would have said no. People are always telling me that I should live because eventually something will come that makes me think life is worth living. Personally life is like one big shirty game with a bad set of guidelines. Those who succeed too much (the rich) can lose it all at any given moment due to many different variables. Those who are barely able to survive (the poor) are already fucked due to many different possible variable's. Those in the middle can also fall victim due to any type of variable. What's the point of living if I have no interest in it and we're all going to die someday anyways? If I die of old age I'll people will be sad, if I die in an accident people will be sad, if I die committing suicide people will be sad. Regardless they end up being sad about it anyways. If I don't want to live and I have no interest nor motivation to then shouldn't I have the freedom to choose on what terms I die? Someone might say to live so others don't feel responsible for my death, but I don't think here responsible anyways. Also, why should I live for their sake? Isn't it my life, don't i get to decide how I want to live my life. If I decide to die early shouldn't that be my choice. I've already wasted an additional 8 years living just to not affect others. But I think it's time to stop that. I'm 19 years old, my girlfriend of 3 years just left me because she felt it was too huge of a pressure being the reason I'm alive. I never put that responsibility on her in the first place though. Obviously she doesn't really care much though considering in less than a week she started dating my so called friend while still being connected to me on social media. But whatever. I wanted to die early anyways, nothing really stopping me now. I already have it planned out, I'm just thinking about what to write to all my friends and family before I peace out. Anyways thank you for your time to whoever reads this. Kind of wanted to get it off my chest.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I want to kill myself... I can't handle anxiety I wasn't sure where to post but does it matter... Lately, I've been depressed af because my anxiety is getting worse, what is the point of living if I can't leave my house and do stuff. I am 19 and I want to do so many stuff, but it seems that I can't. I am thinking of taking some pills tonight that we have in the house. But at the same time I can't do it... But I want to. 3 months ago I was so close to it and later things got better, but now it sucks. I am anxious at my own house! How the hell am I going to leave it if I'm anxious in it
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self.depression
|
Taking hydroxyzine and buspirone I've had anxiety since I was a teen. Been through many deaths in family and 10yrs of a physical and mentally abusive relationship. Just got put on these two meds but don't understand why I'm on something that is basically benadryl when I'm having panic attacks. It just makes me dizzy. I don't sleep at night and I'm always scared and worried about every thing. My heart randomly starts racing for no reason. How do I get them to get me something that will actually help me. I have horrible ptsd and want this under control. Any advice would be helpful. I can't even walk into work in the mornings with our being scared, nervous, or just angry for no reason.
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self.Anxiety
|
I think I'm depressed because I don't have a girlfriend. Every year around September (my birth month) my depression comes around. It normally lasts until March, and then I feel great.
I think it comes from me not having a girlfriend. My closest friends around me all have their partners...2 are recently married and the other 2 will be engaged next year. Whenever we go on trips together or hang out, I'm the odd guy out who hasn't had a girl since high school.
I think my birthday and the holidays are the toughest part of that because they are all reminders that I have no partner. Birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and Valentines. All days my family will be asking.
It's also a reminder that I've never had intercourse with a girl. And those 2 things will never happen because I'm Gay. Or Bi.
I mean, I do like guys. But I feel such a necessity to have a girl that some part of me has to actually like them. Or maybe I'm just so fixated on that goal that I'm overlooking the fact that I'm not really attracted to girls. Maybe I've brainwashed myself to think I need a girl to keep up the masculine facade and push back the homosexual feelings I've been embracing lately.
I think it starts around my birthday because I always told myself I'd lose it by 18, then 19, 20, 21, etc. And here I am at 24. I've had many romantic-ish relationships (casual dating and hook-ups) with girls that have never led to exclusiveness or sex. Most likely on my behalf because I've always waited to fall in love before taking it further. Then they get bored and move on to another dude.
At the end of the day, I don't think I'll be happy until I find a girl I love, and have sex with her. And I want to know that she wants it from me too. I've done this with guys and unfortunately have not had that stupid goal satisfied.
If I fully embrace my homosexuality, I'll always have that voice in the back of my head telling me I've never had a girl, so I'll never know if I like it. That I won't get married to her and have biological kids like I thought I would all my life.
Instead, I'll have a guy and need to put up with those awkward stares and taunts muffled under the breath by people (like the ones who have raised and surround me) every time we walk out in public. But this shouldn't matter to me. My problem is that it does. This may be the root to my depression.
I'm sorry if this is very long...and I know most of you don't care about this homophobic stuff. But I just came to the realization and needed to spell it out for myself.
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self.depression
|
I told a friend I was feeling really anxious and she sent me something. I texted a friend that I was feeling anxious. I said “[My anxiety] is a combination of feeling stupid, egotistical, and general rudeness. I have no idea what I'm doing in chemistry class. I feel like all of my class are falling to the wayside. I feel like I've been rude to people. I feel like I won't accomplish anything. I'm frustrated with myself.” My friend knows that I’m a huge fan of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. She sent me the clip of the introduction of the Guide from the movie! That instantly made me happy! I told her that I know I can be difficult at times (I can be very self loathing) and that she is a supportive friend and that I love her.
Sorry for rambling like this. I just wanted to share this story.
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self.Anxiety
|
I give up. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything i have spent my time building up is crumbling. All the friends i have made are leaving because of my depression and alcohol problem. I am failing college because i am nowhere near skilled enough to be there. Physically i have been much worse recently and i constantly feel tired. It is over, i give up.
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self.depression
|
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