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Do you remember a point you wanted to make with your pdoc as soon as you leave their Office? I always try and remember everything that I wanted to talk to them about, but I almost always forget something. Then they wonder why I didn't tell them before. I feel quite air-headed because I never remember to cover EVERYTHING.
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self.bipolar
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(22M) I'm so close to jumping Warning: Contains explicit personal information
As a child, I fantasized about committing suicide. I was the lonely, awkward kid on the playground with no real friends, but I don't think that was the main reason for it. I have borderline Asperger's, so I always felt odd, and like I couldn't make myself the same as normal people. I was generally meek and sensitive, didn't do much sports, and was always much more brains than brawn, so to speak. I wanted to be tough, strong, and athletic, and maybe I was just too lazy or unmotivated to make that happen. Then again, I was always physically awkward and uncoordinated, so maybe I was never born for that sort of thing.
I grew up with an emotionally abusive, alcoholic mother, a temperamental, domineering older sister, and a timid, autistic brother. My parents were divorced and my father lived a short way away, always struggling financially and being romantically unsuccessful. Fights in my mother's house were common, and terrifying.
When I told my mother about my suicidal thoughts, she broke down crying. Up until then, despite her sometimes abusive behavior, she had always been the main emotional pillar in my life, the one person I could always confide in. Of course, at the time, I was also too oblivious at the time to realize how troubled she herself was. But basically, after that, I never felt I could rely on her in the same way, and for the first time, I felt truly alone.
Going into middle school and high school, those suicidal feelings pretty much went away. Granted, I was still far from mentally or physically healthy. I gained a lot of weight, had no real friends, suffered from stress attacks in school, and submerged myself in solitary, nerdy hobbies, but I no longer thought about ending my life.
Going through my teens, my mother had always warned me against dating or relationships until I was more fully mature, so up until I was 18, I made no efforts to date, and it never really crossed my mind. Of course, I didn't have any friends or social life. After I turned 18, just at the start of senior year, I finally started to become more laid back and outgoing and to make sort of “semi” friends/acquaintances. I was building some self-confidence finally, and starting to see myself as someone who could have a girlfriend.
I was still very socially stunted, though, and had no romantic success of any kind. I was okay with that, though, as I didn't blame myself and thought it was just bad luck, and that the right woman would come along eventually.
Then college happened, and reality hit me like a truck.
I loved my experiences in college, for the most part. Freshman year of college was probably the best year of my life, but it was also at this point that my suicidal thoughts came back. It wasn't too bad at first. I still felt optimistic about the future, and was working toward self improvement, with there just being this nagging doubt in the back of my mind that I was a disgusting loser and that everything wasn't going to be okay.
It got worse sophomore year, and junior year. I started jogging regularly to try to get in shape. Maybe I just didn't commit to it long enough, but it seemed to make very little difference in my health or appearance. The years were going by and I was starting to become frustrated.
I know I have an inferiority complex towards women. That is clear to me. I'm pretty sure it stems from my childhood and my constant search for female approval from my mother, my sister, and my teachers.
I'm scared that I'll be bad at sex, and that I'll be unable to satisfy a woman. I'm still out of shape and uncoordinated.
I started to panic when I read a bunch of articles talking about circumcision and its supposed negative effects. I read about nerve endings and the glans, and how circumcision reduces sexual pleasure for both the man and woman. Whether this is actually true, I have no idea. I'm a virgin. But at the time, I was furious about this. Suddenly I felt like had been made no longer whole, like something had been stripped from me and made me less of a man. I researched methods of foreskin restoration, and then bought and used for a whole semester a foreskin restoration device. I had to stop using it because it was causing the skin to grow unevenly. Only later did I find out that apparently, most women prefer circumcise penises, which angered me even more, as I was now left with an ugly, lopsided, partially restored foreskin.
Then it got worse. Last summer I somehow developed a severe case of epididymitis, a painful testicular infection. It led to weeks of severe pain, and a weekend in the hospital. What made it even more angering and confusing was that epididymitis is apparently usually transferred sexually. After the pain and swelling subsided, I went to the doctor and learned that the infection had caused permanent damage to the left testicle, as well as obstructing its blood flow. Since then, my left testicle has permanently shrunken about 20% of its former size, and I still feel pain down there. Knowing that I have a dead, useless testicle down there is killing me.
I also have a small penis (I think) and chronic acne on my arms, chest, and back, so to sum up: small, ugly, lopsided penis, dead testicle, chronic body acne, flabby gut, out of shape. I forgot to mention I also have minor scoliosis as well as other skeletal problems, like a winged scapula and torn ligaments in my rib cage. My body image is at absolute zero at this point.
And I know I'm not even a good person. I've always held onto old-fashioned, sexist views of women (chivalry and all that stuff) because I'm intimidated by strong, independent women and don't know how to approach women on equal footing. I feel like such a disgusting piece of shit that I take comfort in the idyllic, fairy-tale fantasy ideal of love and romance. I'm completely clueless and terrified of actual relationships between adult human beings.
I'm also very sexually stunted. I'm not attracted to pornography, or even to images of naked women. I think that's also too intimidating for me. I also have trouble masturbating and keeping erections. I'm a fairly certain I have low testosterone. I rarely have sexual dreams, but when I do, they almost always involve me being dominated or taken advantage of by powerful women. And I know, in my early teens, that I felt physically attracted to my older sister. Even now, I notice that most of the women I'm attracted to remind me of my sister.
I used to lie to myself, saying I was just waiting for the right woman to come along who I would fall in love and have all that romantic crap. But I realize now that if this “ideal” woman ever actually came into my life, she would be so far above me, so far out of my league, that it wouldn't matter. I held onto that fantasy world anyway, though, because I was too shallow, petty, and cowardly to face reality.
I'm human garbage. In 22 years, I have accomplished nothing with my life. I feel no ambition, no drive to do or achieve anything. I have no purpose or value. I disgust myself. The only thing keeping me alive is the thought of how it would hurt my family, and those fleeting moments of happiness in day-to-day life.
I see now that I have been miserable as long as I have been self aware. My suicidal thoughts now are just a continuation of my thoughts from childhood. I've always hated myself. Now, I just can't hide from it anymore. Life has no inherent value. I'm not special. I'm not “worth saving.” I'm just a lump of dust in a meaningless universe.
Tl;dr I'm a worthless, petty piece of shit with a small, ugly penis, a small, ugly body, and a dead testicle, and I don't want to keep on living an empty, lonely, meaningless existence. I've hated myself since childhood and I just want to be dead.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I like to hangout with an older than me. Feels different, feels calm, no bullshit crap, meaningful conversation. Not all of them, but mostly.
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self.depression
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Made it though. Today being in retail is one of the busiest days of the year. After being up since 8 a.m. yesterday cooking Thanksgiving dinner for my family, going into work at 5 p.m. and being at work until now 1 p.m. CST I made it through today. Without any breakdowns any moments where I felt overwhelmed and even dealing with rude and horrible people as customers today I made it through.
Today is my PSA to tell you that even though we look and sound like robots today customer service people are still human so treat him like you what normal people. I hope this helps any of my other customer service people deal with their lives today.
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self.depression
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Do you ever start explaining your worries a friend/SO... But sometimes it’s over things that are trivial and not that big of a deal, and then they reassure you by saying “you’re just overthinking it.” And for a second you’re relieved that they understand that overthinking is just something you do sometimes. But then you start to wonder how often they’ve noticed you do it (overthink), and if one day they’ll get sick of you and not want to deal with you anymore. I’ve caught myself thinking this a few times, and in dark times like that I hope I remember that everything will be ok, and that those who truly care will be there for me.
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self.Anxiety
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How do I find support groups (paid or free)? See my dilemma I want to join DBSA meetings in my area, but this girl who went to my high school goes to them. I don't like this girl because she always seems to have threatened people from a young age. I don't understand her and I don't care to understand her because there is absolutely no excuse for threatening people. Sorry if I'm being an ass, but I don't want to be near someone who thinks it's ok to threaten people.
That said, I'm SOL with DBSA. How do you find support groups in general? My therapy office offers them, but none of them interest me. (Some are related to PTSD, for example, and I don't have PTSD.) Also, the therapy office i go to doesn't seem to advertise them online.
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self.bipolar
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Hi I'm back on r/depression and maybe need some help. Support not advice. I'm very unhealthy-morbid obesity would be an understatement even though I throw up a lot from over eating I STILL gain. Insomnia-woke up so many times in the night. feel anxiety about taking night meds so i push it off. My SO's mad I don't do anything for my kids but I can barely move or think. Diagnosed Asperger's and Bipolar. My c-section stitches hurt from last year and the year before and I'm so scared.
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self.depression
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Big ol' post of how I'm feeling. Would love for some conversation. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Isolation Does anyone else isolate themselves from the people that are close to them when your minds a mess and you just want to be better ...
It's so hard because some of my friends don't get it and think I'm being selfish
Idk just wanted some opinions on what people think about this
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self.depression
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Can't Hold a Job Longer Than 6 Months I'll make this brief as possible but, I've had a lot on my mind lately. I'm a basket case.
I’m currently 22 years old and I’ve held over 28 jobs just in San Antonio, Texas alone. I’ve worked at Wal-Mart, Southwest Airlines, and various warehouses across the city. I can’t seem to keep a job longer than 6 months. In doing this, it has hurt me financially and socially, I’m in debt, my car is beat like a dead horse, I’ve never had a girlfriend in this city, and I've never been to college.I'm a fucking loser down to my core. My problems have steadily grew out of my control over these 3 years. Everything has blew up in my face and I have nothing left for me.
My back story has so much depth,it's quite humiliating and way too personnel to post online. You won't understand it all completely. I don't have anyone here to help me deal with such heavy issues...i have no where to turn.
What should I do?
How can I talk to a therapist?
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self.depression
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Inklings of depression I’ve recently come to notice that I’ve lost a lot of interest in the things hat I used to love, I no longer partake in my studies, I barely practice my instrument, I never exercise, and most of the time I’m in a sad or bored mood. Like I said, recently I’ve come to notice this, but the last year was just the same now that I think about it.
It seems that now I only do things when I absolutely have to, waking up for school, doing homework, recordings for music ensemble, etc.
Whenever I think about this things tend to spiral downwards and I’m just left sitting and wondering how such a thing could occur to me. Had this been 2-3 years early this wouldn’t have been the case. I guess some where along the way I slipped off the path.
As a result of the uncaringness ans lack of motivation my grades have slumped and I play video games to escape from the “real world.” But even now, the video games start to get boring. There are a few times where I feel happy and excited, but mostly it’s boredom/sadness.
Now I’m no expert in matters as such, I have no idea what I’m feeling is merely an exaggeration and I’m being lazy, or there’s something that’s not quite right.
I’ve read online that a routine schedule helps to get ones life back on track, and I’ve been thinking about going back to fencing to give me more structure. I’ve also been thinking about calling the Good Samaritan line and talking aloud with a real person about this stuff.
Again I have no idea what’s going on and I feel a tad bit lost, i have no suicidal thoughts right now, but after hearing all sorts of tragic stories, I can only worry about what’s to come if this continues
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self.depression
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What do you do when you feel left out by everyone except a few people? Lately I feel like everyone has been ignoring me except for like 4 people. I want to talk to them but I just cant help but think why others wont want to talk to me. I used to talk this group a lot but now it feels like they just exclude me from everything. I dont need them to talk to me all the time or everyday, i just want to be acknowledged by them, that they know im there and try to involve me. We used to stand in a circle and talk. If someone is as left out I used to be the one that opened up the circle for them. No one does that for me now. It sucks that i do a lot of things and hope people will reciprocate but i guess thats just wishful thinking. If I do try to say something it is like they dont hear me and just ignore me. I try to internect but i just stop trying because it just feels so awkward. So my question is what do you do when you feel left out?
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self.depression
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Just diagnosed bi polar w/ ptsd.. feel like I'm drowning (story + need help) So last week I finally got myself evaluated, and not only do I have bi polar but I also have PTSD.
I have been struggling for a long time with family issues (abusive narcissist parents), money issues, changing jobs frequently (I am at #6 of this year), and some issues with my SO. We moved in January to a town 45 minutes away from our families for a new job I got after losing my job of 5 years in December. Lost our amazing kitty baby in February. New job went downhill by March and I had to change jobs and it just kept happening. My SO was depressed during this and not working. I couldn't make enough money for everything by myself so I got really stressed and snapped and started having severe depressive episodes spiked with a few days of hypomania here and there. Things got really bad and my SO and I started fighting a lot, mainly because I got so stressed about the money situation because we were poor and starving (I have lost 30lbs since January). My lack of food, sleep, and relaxation wore me down and I was all kinds of weird and passive aggressive and depressed and awful most of the time. Then the day after Thanksgiving my SO and I have a huge fight and end up hurting each other a lot, emotionally and physically. We are now giving up our apartment we shared and moving into separate homes after living together for a year and a half. This is when I realized how sick I was and that I really needed help getting things under control.
Now I'm going to be seeing a severe trauma therapist starting in January, and I've been talking to a doctor about medication. I'm scared about going on anything, and I can't really afford much, so I don't know what to do. I'm still trying to figure out what I can do and how I can help my serotonin and dopamine levels possibly without a pharmaceutical drug.
Does anybody here have any advice at all they can give me? I spend every day now crying and wishing I wasn't me and I am so scared and confused and I feel so alone.. I'm staying with some wonderful friends but I don't want to be a burden to them, I've been trying to go low or even no contact with my parents, and I have already burdened my SO enough with this... I realize more every day how many controlling things I did accidentally because of my insecurities, and how much I've hurt him during my depressive phases. I miss him so much and I hate myself for hurting him. I don't know what to do and every day there's a voice in my head that tells me to give up and I don't know how to not listen to it. I haven't gotten my stuff out of my apartment at all and I haven't really even been able to eat since my SO and I had our fight. I feel like I'm just breaking more every day, I am in the lowest point of my life and I really need help climbing out of this pit, I don't feel like I can do it :(
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self.bipolar
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Wooh my pain is so immense i can tastee it!!!!!! [deleted]
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self.depression
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Loneliness and anxiety? hello. so, i've been feeling super lonely lately and i know its a byproduct of my anxiety. i tend to think that i'm worthless and unloveable, and when i catch myself, i try to retrain my thought process. it's working but it doesn't mean i feel less sad, ya know?
like, not that a romantic relationship is an end-all be-all, or that it will make me "feel better," if that makes sense. i don't want to romanticize the effort and work that goes into all platonic and non-platonic relationships. but why do i feel like my life would be better if i was dating somebody? i don't quite know how to get past this. :l it comes in waves though; i was totally fine the other day and then all of a sudden, i started thinking that i'm a mess and everyone leaves me anyway. i had a therapy session to get through it, but i hate that i started thinking about it regardless. :c
i don't know if anyone else feels this way. and then there's the whole issue of anxiety while dating... lol. it's all so complicated and intertwined with one another. it kind of sucks.
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self.Anxiety
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Bad intrusive thoughts at work I'm at work and the intrusive thoughts are so bad I can barely think of anything else. There is no one to cover my shift so I can go home so I'm stuck here miserable. Guess I just need to vent. I want to cry the words ringing in my ears are just so terrible and scary. I hate my life sometimes.
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self.bipolar
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I can’t keep a job because of anxiety So I’m 20 years old and I can not keep a job because of anxiety. When I get a job I get excited and I think about how I can get my life together but after about a week or two I literally have so much anxiety that I just cry and don’t go to work or cry in the parking lot and sit thinking about not going. I’ve only had call center job and I’m good at it for the most part but I get so anxious that I can’t even function. On days I have to go to work I just lay in bed and cry. I guess the point in this is to get some advice? How do I keep a job? What helps with anxiety?
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self.Anxiety
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Do you still remember your first (hypo)manic episode? And what might have triggered it? Or did it happen seemingly randomly?
To me it felt as if some kind of fog cleared away from my mind all of sudden, I became hypersocial, super easily excited, everything seemed 10 times more interesting and funny, I would get obsessed with things and ideas, I could not fall asleep due to rushing thoughts still never feeling tired, I began making plans, meeting old friends and told myself and some other people "wow I must have been depressed this whole time, now I will be the person I used to be long time ago, wait and see!"
Can anybody relate to this?
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self.bipolar
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Stay at my job, or leave? I work as a detailer at a bodyshop which I applied to be a painters helper to see if painting was something I want to do. They needed a detailer instead, so to get my foot in the door I accepted. 3 months in and detailing is kicking my ass and to top it off, for me to get to painters helper I would need to wait until 1 of the 2 college kids graduate and quit. Even then I dont think the painter would be interested in teaching because the owner is very harsh and strict and everyone I asked tells me they haven't gotten taught to paint. I dont know if I should try to stick it out here, or try and apply at other bodyshops as a detailer or helper and ask beforehand if they are willing to teach. Any advice?
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self.Anxiety
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My abusive ex boyfriend just got married, and I'm really worried for his new wife. So yesterday I checked the notifications on my phone and saw that my ex-boyfriends brother had requested to follow me on instagram. I went to go look at his profile and saw that the last post were of he and my ex and the caption was congratulating him. It made me feel sick. We were together for about five years and the abuse started about a year and a half in, and he's only been dating this girl about a year. I know his was abusive to past girlfriends as well. I lurked this girl on facebook (I know bad idea) and she seemed really nice, and I saw pictures of her when she was little with her parents, and it made me feel awful. I thought about all the times I had to lock myself in the bathroom to get away from the abusive things he would do while drunk or sober. And all the times I spent curled up crying. All the times he lied to me and made me feel crazy. I didn't sleep all night thinking about the woman he married.
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self.offmychest
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My hearing keeps deteriorating, and it is destroying my self-confidence. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Anyone else hate going to the dentist. (Trigger warning) I have a dentist appointment scheduled in a couple of weeks with a new dentist. And every time I go to the dentist I feel like absolute shit afterwards.
I had braces from ages 12-17. Which was a giant waste of time and money because I never finished my treatment with them, annnd my teeth are worse than ever.
Between bulimia, smoking, substance abuse, coffee, and the big one, depression and low self esteem, I have horrible gum recession. I've known about it since I got my braces off and it's only gotten worse.
The last time I went to the dentist she was so rude and as she was telling me about all the things I was doing wrong, I said "I know, I know what I'm supposed to be doing but it's really hard" and she said something along the lines of "well you're 22 you should be able to figure something out".
I'm so scared to go to this new dentist I hate hearing about everything that's wrong with my gums (and everything that's wrong with me). I hate having to explain that I try to brush my teeth at least once a day and how that feels like an accomplishment for me. My parents weren't the best about enforcing tooth brushing when I was a kid so by the time I was a depressed teenager I gave zero fucks about my teeth. Now it's one of my biggest regrets and biggest mistakes. It hurts to eat, brush, floss, and god forbid anything cold hit one of my many exposed nerves. My gums bleed, my teeth ache and typing all this out has brought me to tears.
I really hope I'm not alone in this.
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self.depression
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A poem about where I haven't gone, and what I haven't been and what I am not. A purgatory, of sorts.
Washed in a cleansing anhedonia.
When civil never good.
This is were the not-quite-wicked go.
Is it a sin?
To be careless and unfeeling?
Where do the not-quite-wicked go?
To a land that is pale gray and unremarkable.
Where do we go when our hate turns to fear turns to perishing?
To the land beyond the dead, beyond the light.
—-
A hell, of sorts.
Drenched in a soot and mire of decay
But pain is felt, so it’s better
To be wicked
Because at least the fear escapes and turns to bile
——-
A heaven, of sorts.
basked in a shimmering glow of tedious light
Where the stars no longer sparkle but instead they hum
Where you forget who you were and you no longer are
—-
Live here
Live now
Speculation of adoration, destruction or ensnarement
leads to a life half lived
But wait
Where does this life take place anyway
We forget, because we look
So far away, so far ahead
that all that stretches before is the unreachable infinitude of space
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self.bipolar
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I just want to commit suicide bc of anhedonia Fuck the PT-141 melanocortin. Ive had this only for 1 month and was normal before but I already just want to commit suicide or wish I was dead in a tragedy since thats essentially what happened to me. A tragedy with a peptide gave me anhedonia.
Now I do not want to live. I do not feel like a person when I do not have emotions.
Mindfulness exercises are useless as fuck and do not relieve my symptoms.
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self.SuicideWatch
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[tw self harm] my sister slit her wrists and i'm not looking for pity but it's my fault and don't try to tell me it's not because she told me it is and even before she said it i already knew it
i tried to run away from home and she thought it was because of her so she cut herself with a rusty box cutter and she said it didn't feel good or nice or satisfying but it was okay because she was punishing herself when it wasn't even her fault and oh god she wouldn't have done that if i didn't try to run away
my family's falling apart and my good for nothing father is over there probably having the time of his life never knowing what's happening with his kids never caring enough to ask and my mother is working herself to the bone from her jobs to her school to taking care of her kids to trying to find enough money to feed her family to starving herself so she can provide for us and my sisters are a mess we're all just arguing and screaming and crying and blaming each other and ourselves and she cut herself but it's like she cut all of us too
i dropped out of school i don't know what to do with myself i don't know what to do with my life i don't know anything anymore if i could i'd wish to die but i tried to just run away once and she cut herself more than four times what if i died and she killed herself too
my sister slit her wrists and i'm not looking for pity but i know it's my fault. please don't say otherwise. just tell me it'll be okay like i told her.
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self.offmychest
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Hypomania crashed my depressive party and its getting weird Sometimes I just have to vent out, so if you are reading this, thanks.
Been moderately depressive for the last year. Been through a few versions, horrible feelings, no feelings, zombie, suicidal etc. I've been on the floor so I have idea what moderate even means nowadays. Like, if I only briefly think suicidal thoughts throughout the week it feels like a normal day. And I don't think intrusive bad thoughts are normal, at least it's not the natural way of thinking, I hope.
Sooo, a week ago I started sleeping very little. Like I'd wake up after 2hrs and be wide awake and alone with my racing thoughts, and it's gradually getting worse.
I'm so tired of being a depressed fuck and bumming people out, but can't be arsed to do much besides lying in bed crying.
Soon been 2 years of trying new med cocktails and nothing sticks, I had a better baseline off them, and right now I'd trade some harsh episodes and good "stability" vs the stability of being chronicly depressed like now
I want off this ride, sorry for rambling, was probably better to write it down anyway rather than hurt myself.
Not a crisis post, I've been around the sun a few times, but it's starting to get serious and I don't want to be hospitalized again...
Peace=all
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self.bipolar
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Wanna delete social media, should I? I feel like I waste way too much time on Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat and it depresses me. Also I hate seeing snap stories of my friends hanging out and they didn't invite me, or I constantly try to talk to people over snap but all I get is a pic of their shows or some shit. I'm fucking done with people treating me like shit.
The only thing I'm afraid if is that if I do this I will loose contact with almost all of my friends and nobody will make an effort to text or call me. I'm afraid to be that alone. Suggestions???
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self.depression
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Generic Lexapro Anyone experience creeping,tingling heat sensations in your skin while taking this? I mainly feel it in my cheeks..
Ive been reading that most side effects subside after a couple weeks. Im hoping this does too?
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self.Anxiety
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i wish people actually wanted to be my friend [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Mood stabilizer for BPD and Cyclothymia Hello, my girlfriend has BPD and Cyclothymia and she's worried her psychiatrist isn't very helpful. She started taking oxcarbazepine instead of lamictal and she wants some answers to understand what is best for her.
She has a few questions about oxcarbazepine:
1) Many people suffering from BPD take oxcarbazepine at 150mg. Is that enough as a mood stabilizer, or does she need to raise/lower the dosage?
2) She's been taking it for almost a week. How long before she will start feeling the effects?
**The following questions apply to both lamictal and oxcarbazepine:**
3) If side effects should occur, when do they start appearing and are there any that she should worry about and maybe therefore quit taking it?
4) What is the half-life of the drug and how long are its effects?
5) Are there any blood tests that need to be taken to make sure she stays healthy (like with lithium)?
6) Are there any advantages or disadvantes between using oxcarbazepine or lamictal.
7) Can it improve anxiety?
8) One of the side-effects of the drugs is fatigue, does it improve with time, and if so after how much?
I know she's not full-blown bipolar (even though cyclothymia is a form of bipolarism), but I just need some information from people who have had experience taking mood stabilizers.
Thankyou!
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self.bipolar
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I losted almost 40 pounds, I was getting at my goal weight and now I feel im not handsome anymore.. Ok so here goes nothing... Im 24[m]
I weighted in may 218 pounds, I started a loosing weight journey that drove me to 188 pounds in august.
I started to talk to this girl who's attracted to me and Im with her. We have been dating for almost 6 months now. I have been all my life insecure because of man boobs or stuck fat in my chest.
When I started loosing weight I still had man boobs but i didn't give too much interest to it since I looked overall good. I live in Puerto Rico and the Hurricane Maria hit us in a Cat. 5 hurricane. There's no electricity in here, and my house lost its roof. I lost everything inside my house. So there are no rooms, no kitchen, no nothing..
I started doing my final practice for my bachelors degree (it's like a job 8am-3pm). So that means i have to eat outside, cant rest well... etc.
The thing is that I feel I have gained a lot of weight. Even though im still using medium size shirts, the 34 pants are suiting tight on me. This makes me feel really bad because im dating this girl who I really like and and enjoy spending time with her and now im gaining weight again because all of this. And my insecurity and low self esteem don't help either.
I practically don't have a home, so im always buying and craving food outside because I cant cook.
I had to take this out man, its really frustrating trying to maintain weight during this state of emergency we are going through.
I just don't want to keep gaining weight, and also I don't want her to look at me and see that im not handsome anymore... 😞 :(
Edit: We are doing the practice at the same place... every morning I pick her up at her house and we have lunch together and I take her back to her house when we are out from our "job".
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self.offmychest
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I want to end it but I don't want to go alone. [removed]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Self worth and skin Honestly just to be heard is a blessing in itself because I hate the internet but I am going insane because people look at me and think I am this beautiful shy creature but in reality that bambi stare is one of complete and utter anguish and fear because it is 100% likely in some part of my brain I am thinking about what I look like from the outside from every angle I could possibly be looked at in that moment and it is exhausting living for appearance when it doesnt even matter to me. Looking good is not a priority to me, but my mind makes it one. I am obsessive and it hurts me deep when people say I look "okay" because dont they understand that is the very thing I am afraid of? I am not struggling in understanding myself because I am intensely aware of every emotion that is felt in every fiber of my existence but this need to be extraordinary is plaguing me and I could explain all the discrepancies between the way I view my body and my face and the way others view me but I am trying to place less importance on the physical. Someone help me settle into my skin. Someone help me feel like it is mine.
*originally posted in BDD subreddit
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self.depression
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Do you feel like your family make your depression worse by trying to guilt trip you? I feel worse whenever my family wishes I was normal and how I'm wasting my life. [deleted]
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self.depression
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When do you realize? I feel like I may have been in a depressive episode the past few weeks. I'm not sure. Maybe hypomanic. Either or, I feel like I might be going back into mania due to stress and possibly loosing a roof over my head. Thinking straight isn't adding up and im getting weird urges again.
How do I combat this? I lost my insurance two days ago and stopped my medication.
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self.bipolar
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Bored with recovery I realized I hit stability and it's not interesting. I only made it so far into my DBT book. I will pick that back up.
No racing thoughts. No wild projects. Socializing too much but that my self sabotage procrastination tactic.
Who knew being normal could be so... Boring lol
Grateful as all hell. Just don't want my complacency to turn into being an uninspired, non-goal oriented human being. I got to thinking, "My job pays the bills. My writing isn't all that important. My kid is learning enough at school." A long list of "let it be."
Need to light a fire under my ass and put more work into myself. I can easily see myself hitting a depression if I let the idleness rule!!!
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self.bipolar
|
Really tired of feeling like a black sheep. In society, In friendship, In the workplace, and in love.
I lived the majority of my childhood with 5 other kids in a trailer, until I was 14. The situation was complicated...kind of a hers, mine, and ours sort of deal. My mom had re-married, and I was the only child from her previous relationship. My step-dad had some deep-seated inferiority issues in his life that led to me being ostracized and abused by him and the rest of the family. I was always the smart kid, the know-it-all, the nerdy one. He had dropped out of school in the eighth grade. When I was younger my hair was a dark red color (has since changed to a dark brown) and he would sometimes quite literally refer to me as the "red-headed stepchild". I was put down, abused physically, and was forced to do work no kid my age had any sense doing. Due to that, I have physical issues with my joints that make it so alot of the things people my age have no problem doing cause me extreme pain.
 
I finally got an out with my real father, and spent my high school years with him. The emotional damage definitely left scars that have taken a long time to finally start healing, and my dad had literally no idea what he was doing when it came to raising an angsty emotional teen. Lots of yelling, fighting, and just in general chaos went down. I had walls higher than everest and was a dick to anyone I met, even my friends, to keep them from getting too close.
 
Years later, I've finally started opening up to people. Made relationships. Experienced life. However...I find it incredibly hard to connect with people. Some things they commonly tell me is that Im overly emotional, too intense, and I have even been told I was too passionate to handle. (this being about things like art, music, science, etc) Anywhere I go, I feel like a black sheep, to this day. I don't really feel understood and the rare times I do take a risk and try to open up to somebody, it almost always ends terribly. I'm torn. Sometimes I just want to say fuck it all and forget about other people, close myself off, and just live life for me, whatever that entails. But what I truly want to do is to be able to surround myself with people who understand and love me for who I am. I want geniune connections and friendships, and it really feels like its an impossible ask.
 
I just wanna be accepted, I guess. I want to feel safe, and I want the home I've never had.
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self.offmychest
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Things were (are?) getting better, now I'm not sure what to do next. What comes after the worst/thick of it? I have been in therapy for about 2 years. I have had an increasingly good relationship with my then therapist, which is rare for me because I have a great deal of trouble opening up in therapy. One of the good things about it was that I felt that she genuinely cared about my well being, which was a big change from the usual therapists I've seen whom I felt didn't endeavor to understand me at all.
 
Well, over the course of that time period she eventually told me that she wanted to become friends and that we would gradually transition me to seeing a new therapist. I have some really bad days here and there but I guess others feel I have made improvements. I feel that my improvements have been too small for me to not be seeing a therapist weekly, and that other people have noticed things about my functioning but inside I'm still the same.
 
Over the past year and a half or so I became *very* determined to get better and even tried things like longer sessions, journaling, having goals for the next week, supplements, exercise, etc. with varying success. Lately I am in an odd place. I had been referred to a new clinician by her but I don't want to do this yet again with a new person and I feel that this new person is ineffective. I really just don't have the emotional energy to go through baring myself over and over again until I find someone new.
 
As you must all be familiar with, the mental health process in this country is borderline inhumane. The process is cold, dehumanizing and I have had my share of humiliating and deeply alienating moments at the hands of mental and health professionals of all stripes. I'm very wary of seeing anyone new. At the same time, my former therapist has been a great friend to me, but I feel as though she let go of the wheel too soon. But at the same time, I am slowly coming to the realization that therapy just isn't for me, and it isn't what I need. I am wondering what I should do now; I really don't think this new person will work out, but I don't want to take a step backwards or go back to seeing someone whom I don't follow clinically either. Towards the end of our regularly scheduled sessions it seemed more like two friends hanging out - which I don't think is anyone's fault, but it's also become clear to me that her format is either ineffective or I am not effective / really a good candidate for therapy, or some combination of the two wherein the friendship aspect of the rapport has taken too strong a role and I don't really feel / respond the way I ought to in a clinical setting. (I've had enough go-rounds with therapists that I'm just about ready to chuck the idea of therapy ever playing an ongoing role in my recovery.)
 
There seems to be little to no help for the stage of depression for someone who has been depressed for a long time, between the worst of it and starting to regain some functioning ability. A few years ago I saw a documentary about a man who had been blind from birth and recently received surgery to regain his vision. He was overwhelmed and at some stages expressed a desire to return to blindness. I feel the same way. I feel that there is no one who understands that I feel some sort of lessening of the numbness and an ability to move forward, but I still consider how much easier it would be to just commit suicide than try to gain habits in things like self-care or socializing that I've never had. I still don't know what to do with my free time because finding new hobbies and people just seem incredibly daunting. I feel as though there is no help for someone who doesn't need to check into a hospital but also is still very much not normal and I don't know what to do, and am feeling very let down that therapists are telling me that I am 'not that depressed' or 'seem better', as if they have lost interest or only have interest in acute issues. I have to admit that my depression has gotten better, but there is no help for regaining skills, habits or mannerisms that I should have gained a decade ago. I don't know even know much about myself or what I like or am passionate about. I feel lost and I miss being so good at and perversely content with numbing myself to the world. The 'World' got on without me and the time I've spent disengaged from it, now I feel like a near stranger to everything.
 
I'm feeling very lost right now, and that no one can help me with this stage of recovery. It's not even something I can speak to with regular people *or* depressives. I'm taking things day by day but the disorganization and the **HUGE** backlog of 'what I've missed' is ironically demoralizing and depressing. Obviously I can't sit still and do nothing, but I also feel like the old format for what I was doing to deal with depression just isn't me anymore, and I don't see a new way in sight. I need some insight and some help.
 
**TL;DR: I'm not quite 'there' in terms of recovery but feel like I am way too fucked to try to get to 'normal' / I have no idea what people do next at this 'not-quite-awful-all-the-time-but-still-pretty-angry-stage'. Also, my therapist & I became too friendly for a professional rapport. Did it become like this because I became better or did I become better because she was a friend to me? In which case I think seeing a new therapist sounds doubly unappealing.**
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self.depression
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Reaching Out Hey all, I’m new to this thread. Here’s my history with depression and what I’m going through right now. I was first diagnosed with depression at the age of seven. My doctor believed the root cause of this was a combination of being bullied in school constantly, and growing up in a household where I witnessed my mother being abused almost every night. My mother finally broke that relationship off and we moved out. But it still bothered me, not being able to talk about it to anyone. Kids at school would call me homophobic comments which I dare not repeat here. I was also a little chubby, so I’d be made fun of for that too. My doctor started me on Lexapro, which I took for a few months. My mother took me off of this medication, she felt it made my symptoms worse. I don’t really remember much about taking it, other than feeling kind of like a zombie and having mental breakdowns for seemingly no reason. I’d burst into tears and start hitting myself (a bad habit I still do sometimes) when I got frustrated with the simplest things, such as homework. Fast forward to high school. I lost a bunch of weight, and was now underweight from the lack of appetite and eating. Kids still made fun of me at school because I was quite the emo kid. Even though my home life was extremely better I was still really depressed. It got to the point where I literally cut off all of my friends at school, which was just a handful. I elected to sit alone on the stairs at lunch and listen to music rather than sitting with my small group. My mother was worried, so she sent me to a counselor where I was again diagnosed with depression, and an anxiety disorder on top of that. I spoke with this counselor for a few months, until my mother couldn’t afford it anymore. So I had to stop. Now, I’m 23 and I was doing good for a few years after I got out of high school. Until I got into a mentally abusive relationship for two years where I was constantly lied to, mentally and physically abused, and found out she was cheating on me for almost half of the two years we were together with multiple other guys. So, to escape my problems I did something I always wanted to do — join the Navy. I got a few waivers cleared up from my past with depression, and shipped out to boot camp last September. I made it to week 6 out of 7 in boot camp when I got injured during a PT session where o threw out my knee. I was sitting on a medical hold recovering, preparing to go back into training and starting all over in a few weeks once I’ve healed. This time was a tough time for me. I felt so frustrated and sad, and I guess one of my RDC’s caught on and sent me to a psychologist to be evaluated. I blatantly lied on that eval. I knew how to answer it, because I’ve done it a few times in my life. But the therapist had a record of my mental history, as it was in my medical packet for all of my waivers and whatnot. He decided that it was not a good idea to go back into training. I was discharged from the military for things I already had cleared up and was sent back home. I gave up my apartment, most of my belongings and clothes to enlist. So I had nothing, and I am still living with my mother. I now work midnights in a factory to help me get back on my feet. With all that just happened to me, it’s triggered my depression again and I’m feeling absolutely miserable. I can’t afford a therapist, but I have considered going on medication. Anyone have experience with anti-depressants? Any words of advice?
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self.depression
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How to break up with my roommate of 2.5 years in favor of moving in with my boyfriend? Hey everyone. Long time lurker, yadda, yadda.
I’ve been in an apartment with my roommate and long time friend for about 2.5 years. Our lease ran out after 18 months and since then we’ve been doing month-to-month.
We both have boyfriends; Mine lives alone so I’m over there most of the time. Hers is here a lot, which is usually fine.
A few months ago she said something to me along the lines of, “I’m just hoping you’re not going to say you’re moving in with SO any time soon!” At the time, we hadn’t been thinking of it so I laughed it off and told her it would be a while.
Fast forward to this week when my friends let me know about the apartment they’re leaving in 2 months in favor of a house. I LOVE the area they’re in and their apartment, so my bf and I went to check it out, meet the landlord, etc. We’re into it. We’re going to go for it and I’m very excited.
However, I’m scared to death about telling my roommate. My go-to symptom is always nausea and since I found out about this opportunity, I hate confrontation, I’m so bad at it and I hate hurting people’s feelings. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can tell her in person that will be kind and maybe in a way I can soothe any of her worries she may have right off the bat? I know Ill feel better after I tell her but I don’t want to hurt her feelings and thinking about telling her makes me want to BARF. Thanks in advance :) I know I’m a huge wimp!
TL;DR- how do I break up with my roommate so we remain on good terms and she won’t be mad at me for leaving our month-to-month to live with my boyfriend?
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self.Anxiety
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I'm finally starting to be sick of my situation After years and years of status quo stagnation, I'm now beginning to get annoyed by not doing anything. I started taking meds almost a month ago and that walk to the doctor was already hard as hell for me (let alone the call to get the appointment). However, having accomplished that task with which I had struggled for ages, I kind of settled down, I guess I told myself that doing that one thing was enough for now.
But now I'm beginning to feel unsettled. I'm procrastinating finding a therapist, my doctor also gave me a referral but so far I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone.
I guess it's a good thing I'm starting to be fed up with sitting around all day!
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self.depression
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I have a law school final tomorrow that I'm going to fail. Like I literally don't know anything for this class. Not exaggerating. And I'm sitting here with an outline someone gave me and I just can't even force myself to read through it. I fucking hate life. I really just want to die. I just don't even give a shit about any of this.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Under stress of finding a job, away from family. Single and lonely. Feeling depressed need someone to speak to. I live away from my family, single and lonely. I am an introvert so I find it hard to speak about myself. I find myself lonely and I don’t have anyone to speak to. Not able to concentrate on my current temporary job which I am not happy with, neither putting any effort in finding a full time one which I want. I have started to doubt myself thinking I am not smart enough. If anyone here find themselves in same situation or just feel depressed generally about something then we can talk and get support.
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self.depression
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I don't know where else to go. Lack the motivation to do much of anything. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Living with GAD in the workplace / public speaking One of my worst nightmares just came to fruition. I work in a corporate environment and had one of my first large presentations today and froze up completely with 65 people on the phone and another 20 in the room. Heart racing, sweating profusely, etc. Are there others with GAD that have to present often? How do you help yourself get through it?
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self.Anxiety
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Support Need support about my anxiety :( I feel very dizzy like to the point where I think I might pass out I've been to the hospital about my heart going to fast and every time it's anxiety do you think the anxiety is causing my headaches and dizziness ?
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self.Anxiety
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Day After Drinking - Weak Depression I’m writing because of the experience I’m having right now:
I had way too much to drink last night, an old habit that I have recently done a great job to change (this was with an old friend, my relationship with whom I need the courage to change - I think I have it now), and I am physically miserable today.
Mentally, I am not doing great, but, my anxiety and depression is not holding! I feel it come on, I feel myself start to cringe, and it almost feels like on some level I want to be depressed, so I can justify staying in bed all day because of the way I physically feel.
Still though, where I would have used to stay in bed and cry all day, I simply am not getting in that mental space. I feel it come on, but, it doesn’t have hooks?
The depression and anxiety are weakened?
I am kind of shocked by it, so just wanted to share.
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self.depression
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My 20th birthday Today (November 10th) is my 20th birthday. Don’t have very many people to celebrate with but grateful that I even made it this far! I remember during my childhood thinking I’d never even make it to my teen years but here I am! Reaching my “2 decades” milestone! :D
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self.offmychest
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I hate being gay. I don't know why I am writing this, but I thought about trying this for a long time.
I hate being gay, I hate feeling excluded out of the guys.
The stigmas that come with it are annoying, and what is even more annoying is that I fit some of them! Even though I am stronger than most guys and I'm not whining (unless I'm intoxicated, this is when you can see the tears flying), even though I am confident and that I don't like fashion or many colors and my fashion sense actually tends to be more like stuff for hiking and hard conditions (work boots etc), and that I'm a good mechanic and so much more!.. I still feel like I'm so much less manly than all of the other guys.
I am myself and I am a little bold, but I still feel too feminine.
I hate my dad when he says the he wants to hit gay people to (show them what a real man is) and I want to punch him and punch any straight man that knows that I am gay who calls me... CUTE, (remember that differences in culture may apply, so what people say doesn't allways work how it actually is.
I don't have a lisp but I feel like my actions do (not that I'm being pervy or anything), and some people are noticing and I hate being associated with this.
Also I know it's not but I feel like homosexuality is a disease.
uhhh just read everything again, and there are a few mistakes like "doesn't always work how it actually is" when what I meant was "doesn't always work how you might think it is", but I am going to keep everything this way. It might be because of me being emotionally distressed...
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self.offmychest
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My cheating ex is my only will to live [deleted]
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self.depression
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A Letter To Depression.. Hi, i guess at first i didn't know what you were and you pass over a couple of weeks. Its been 3 years now. Its hard to describe the feeling of depression to someone, the only thing i can liken it to is drowning in a dark sea alone and just when the horrors of drowning are over and you realise your going to die and a peace settles in you resurface and take a few gasps of crisp cold air and then you drown again. Again and again you resurface to discover the beauty of life but you cant grasp onto anything and you know you're about to drown again, and again and again. You've taken everything from me, i cant remember the last time I had a true blissful smile on my face that wasn't a mask. I'm empty inside, literally a fucking shell of what i am and what i was. You destroy my ambition, you destroyed my past present and future. I just want you to leave me alone, but at the same time your the only consistent thing i have known and almost a bittersweet friend. I'm completely trapped and i know only one escape which gets more desirable as each day passes.
Sincerely,
F
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self.depression
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A little over a week ago I wanted to kill myself. Today I still want to kill myself but not as much. I was debilitated to the point of not showering and not able to leave the house. I was praying to die. Now I take showers, wake up at the same time, eat healthy meals, but still low key want to die. Like if I went to sleep and never wake up or if I was miraculousy struck by lightening that'd be so wonderful but I am not actively thinking about hanging myself. Baby steps.
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self.SuicideWatch
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No sleep for the worried I've been up since 2. We get the results of my son's neuropsychological testing this afternoon. He has already demonstrated problems with his memory only 2 weeks into school. I would be surprised if she didn't find something about that. My husband thinks it is all phooey but I am legit worried.
I know not getting sleep when I've been so unstable is a bad thing. I've also got a work thing that people flew in from Europe to test and my part isn't working. I can't remote into the system to try and fix it and if I drove out there I would probably not get much time due to the other testing. We have another test in October so I hopefully will be more prepared.
I should maybe try to sleep the last 2 hours before my alarm but I don't think I can anyway so I'm going to watch tv or start my work emails.
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self.bipolar
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The voices in my gf's head won't go away [deleted]
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self.depression
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New meds day Here we go again. Adding 20mg of Latuda to 400mg of lamictal and 300mg of Gabapentin. No one can tell me it's going to work or make things worse or do nothing.
Also maybe I'm having seizures (one doctors office told me both that I am and that I'm not) and Latuda can make worse. Which is fantastic.
I hate new med day. It feels like the next few days are just a total roll of the dice.
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self.bipolar
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Redoing room! So here is my situation. I am in a living environment right now that I absolutely cannot stand. I suffer from adjustment disorder, anxiety, and depression. I am in therapy and on medication just for background before people start suggesting those things. I have been trying to move but my budget is tight and I live in the city. I've been looking and looking and also looking to find someone to take my spot in the place that I currently rent. (I have a puppy that restricts some of my moving options). So here's my question. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I could redo my room so that it actually starts to feel like my own safe space. I've had a lot of bad stuff happen since I moved here and I'm having a hard time associating it with anything good. I had a friend who went through a personal struggle so her parents redid her entire room to try and help the environment. Has anyone had any experience with this or any suggestions? Anything will help. My anxiety makes change really hard for me so the thought of this and moving has me heightened as well. Anyway sorry for the rant and thanks for any advice!
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self.Anxiety
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I’m in so much pain I live my life day to day inside of my head, my body goes through the motions for me. I feel like I’m brain dead. I’m pretty much failing out of high school, I’m in my senior year. I don’t even care if I do. I don’t have any goals after high school, I don’t have any motivation. I’m just living with this deep pain inside of me. I don’t even want to be happy anymore, I just want it to be over.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I need a goal, I need a purpose. I don't know what to do with my life. I am seeing no options. Since starting my new job I have felt suicidal. I have wanted to get into a particular line of work. That was the plan. I'm doing school slowly, part time, while I work full time, and volunteer on the side to spruce up my resume.
I just talked to a bunch of people and they didn't think I would be cut out to follow this particular career path.
My current job involves multitasking, and I complained about it. They countered with, if you think that's at all bad, you stand no chance at doing what we do. Obviously, they said it nicer that I'm relaying to you.
And then I started to really think. So option #1, they could be lying and exaggerating how much is involved in the job to boost their own egos. It's possible? #2, they were more truthful than not and I genuinely suck.
I have no skills. I don't have any goals. I hate my job. I'm poor even though I work full time.
There ***ARE*** options, I'm just not seeing any right now, and I can't deal with the stress and worry of not wanting to wake up to go to work everyday to put myself through school if it doesn't LEAD to something eventually. I feel like I just lost my purpose, my potential life line out of poverty.
I know I'm being productive, but I don't feel like it. I feel like a piece of shit who can't contribute anything to society that people are willing to pay me for.
Part of me thinks it'd be better to just not be, you know?
I feel like I'm straddling this place in my mind where it's just total despair about my future and then on the other side is a more reasonable thought saying there are alternatives, but when I try and genuinely consider it I can't think of anything. The things I think of just doom me to doing even more than I'm already doing. I work I go to school I volunteer. I don't want to fucking learn or have the time for programming on the side, thank you very much ask reddit. I would take those "cushy government jobs where people get paid to do nothing" in a heart beat. I just want to be independent, leave work at work, but also not be miserable while I'm there.
I don't know I'm all over the place.
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self.SuicideWatch
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What's wrong with me? I've lived such a good life. My parents raised me right, never had to worry about money or food, had many friends over my life that care for me. Then I met someone who loved me more than anyone in this world. A person so broken throughout her whole life. She changed my life and brought meaning to hers. She had no one and nothing but me. And I messed it all up. All I had to do was love her. All I had to do was not watch porn. All I had to do was not like those Instagram pictures. All I had to do was care for her and be with her. I failed her. I failed her in so many ways possible and now she has nothing. Such simple things I could've done throughout our whole relationship and I couldn't even do that. The one person that really needed me personally. Now she doesn't care about life. She doesn't ever want to see or hear from me again. She talks about ending her life because theres no meaning to it. Why? Why couldn't I do simple things for the one I love most. For the one who has always been there for me through thick and thin. I cheated, I lied, I did all the things I shouldn't have done to her. Why would I do that? What's wrong with me? And now even after I've been so selfish, I want to end it. Why should I live on. Why should such a horrible person keep living knowing that they've ruined the life of someone they held so dearly. After all the love and support people have given me throughout my whole life, I still turned out to be someone like this. I know there are people worse off than I am, who has gone through so much more crap. I'm not even the victim. But I just don't care anymore. Even though it's sad to never see my family or friends again and to put them through something they shouldn't. If I kill myself she might too. That's the one thing I'm truly afraid of. But now I think I should just do it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Is it possible to be depressed for so long that depression is now a comfortable feeling? It's hard for me to feel emotions at all, so when i become extremely depressed/suicidal I finally feel emotion and it's comforting in a weird, depressing, way.
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self.depression
|
I miss you. Please come back. I’m nothing without you. You were the only person that ever got me. You were the only person who made me happy. You were the only person I never tired of seeing. And you won’t even talk to me. I’m cursed to a life of loneliness without you. Even though it’s been five months and I’ve gone on two dates with two other girls, I don’t miss you any less. 2017 was awful because I lost you. 2018 is going to be awful because I won’t have you. I am going to end up alone like my parents.
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self.offmychest
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I don't know what to do I'm on Lamictal (200mg), Lexapro (5mg) and was on Seroquel 50mg which I quit a week ago because I slept too much and needed to get things done.
Since then, I've experienced extreme sleeping pattern swings, from usually no more than 3 hours (only third day I was really high and managed to sleep a bit more). Also I have extreme mood swings happening in a few minutes, going from dancing to crying because I have such amazing friends but I'm a huge shit for having brought them near my fucked up head.
I've hang out with friends at home but I'm feeling overly depressed and I think every girl's onto me and next I know how I don't deserve to be loved and all my troubles trying to get my head right since I was "diagnosed" gifted two weeks ago. I feel like it's unfair, I didn't ask for it. Neither have I asked for a bipolar disorder which I'm now unsure I have really have it. I get very anxious and I hate it. I don't know what to do. Earlier I saw a knife and only thing I could think of was how the world'd be better without me. Also I wanted to check how my skin could resist a knife cutting it a bit. I just ended up exercising knife juggling. Well, it cuts a bit. But yeah, I don't have much to do eventhough I could watch a movie or tv show or cleaning or spending money how I couldn't keep myself from doing the whole week. I'm so angry and desperate. I just ordered like a ton of drugs to do with my friend next week. At least some fun. And now I'm just crying thinking of me fucking my studies up, fucking up with my only girl friend I've been into for two years whose dating that stupid guy but might end soon so maybe I'll get a chance but I know I won't and I'd fuck ip up anyway, and fucking up my life, and fucking up my friendships because I'm so irritable. And my parents give me money because they want to help me going through this. Which I of course just spend on expensive posters or drugs or drug extracting tools. It's 3 am and I just called friends who were apparently sleeping cause I needed to talk rant over all this but I know I shouldn't because I'd be the same fucked up and shitty friend who keeps complaining about his disease... I need to get on a roof.
I'm so... pissed. I need to sleep but I can't. Thanks for reading for the brave.
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self.bipolar
|
Leaving my university was the worst decision of my life, and now I'm hopelessly depressed. I left my university that I loved 7 hours from home because I didn't really have any friends. My two old friends from freshman year sorta drifted off a little bit, and I was living alone. Long story short, I had a panic attack because of an odd experience I had and decided to tell my dad. He convinced me it was best to come home, so I literally packed everything up the next day and moved 7 hours back home.
Worst. Decision. Of. My. Life.
I thought I was pretty depressed in my university, since what I did most of the time was sit in my room on my laptop, and didn't talk to anyone much. I had so much. I had *so* much potential. *So* much opportunity. All down the drain when I left.
I live at home again. With my parents. And my brothers. Which is nice and all sometimes, but I miss the freedom. God, how I miss the freedom. I miss being independent. I miss so goddamn much about living out west at my old university. I miss my friends, I miss the small town, I miss the closeness of campus. Every little thing, I miss.
What sucks is that since I left 3 months ago, I've been more depressed and regretful and nostalgic than I've ever been. It comes in waves every other day, but it'll hit me like a brick wall and all I can do for the next few hours is wallow in self-destruction by looking at all my old pictures and text messages and everything from when I went to that university. It's horrible, but it's all I can do to cope with the sadness and regret of leaving and being here.
I'm enrolled in the university in my home city, ready to start in two weeks. No part of me wants to go there. It's not what I wanted. I made it clear I didn't want to go there when I graduated high school, so I left home. And now where am I? Right fucking back where I started. Where I don't wanna be. And honestly, there's no one to blame for my decision but myself, and that's the worst part.
Life fucking sucks sometimes.
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self.depression
|
I have lost all of my hope I have a methylphenidate addiction starting, my grades are worse than I have ever gotten, family chooses my cousin over me because she has good grades. If can find a rope I will end my pain.
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self.SuicideWatch
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struggling to brush teeth everyday (and shower) concerned my roots are exposed because of my teethaches and sensitivity to cold things. its so easy to procrastinate and not care and not think about the ramifications of not brushing them, and when i do brush them im always too tense and brush too hard (i think the tenseness is anxiety related). idk how to motivate myself consistently
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self.depression
|
I used to get panic attacks looking at this sub... I'm three months and some change into taking an SSRI, and even though I still have moments I need a bit of extra help, I can read this sub without panicking, and I'm currently stressed about going to work tomorrow after calling out today, but I know I can do it. I can eat again without being naueseous and I just wanted to share with you guys that things can get better. If you're in a tough spot right now, just know it's not forever.
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self.Anxiety
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I Need a Pity Fuck in the Worst Way [deleted]
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self.depression
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To Rebuild or slip into nothing Recently burned my life to the ground. I don’t know who I am or what I would even want to be anymore. I am terriblely depressed. I don’t see a point in continuing this, whatever the fuck this is. I could build up some new fantasy to live out. Pretend to be a family man or a whore or a monk, but really to what end? I could just as easily wait for a train, about 60 mph and step in front of. No more pretending, no more creating elaborate facades of meaning. One final meaning, to take the only control I’m really capable of and being finished with it all.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Fuck My Life I Am Done No words to express. I'm fucking 40. Spent 4 years in prison for a non accident DUI. Not saying I was innocent but fuck child molesters had lighter sentances. Crushed 5 back bones about a decade ago and dealing with horrible pain. I have fractures and without insurance no one will do shit. I went to one Doctor and he gave me Subutex for severe pain and come to find out that shit is so strong they give it to people detxing off of heroin. Wtf. Anyways I am amped uped pissed off and need a quick way to dispose of myself in a quick manner. Any suggestions?.
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self.SuicideWatch
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No Plan but lots of SH/suicidal ideas Created a reddit account for the first time ever today because I need to a place to just air this shit out:
I find myself frequently having thoughts of different ways I could commit suicide and how easy it would be to do it. At the same time I recognize how selfish suicide is and I DO NOT want to do it. I know when I'm down the mantra is that "this will pass" but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck. And I know that killing myself doesn't solve any problems, it just eliminates me from the solutions -- my kid still needs a father, etc.
I guess that's really the sum of it - I've gone really dark but I know I need to find a way back out because people are counting on me and I can't be who they need to be if I'm gone.
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self.depression
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"Getting help" hasn't done me any good. Don't know what to do anymore. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Zonegran (zonisamide)? Has anyone else been put on this? What was your experience like?
I was put on it instead of Topamax because my pdoc believes it causes less cognitive side effects. It has helped me lose some AP-induced weight gain before. I am back on it because it seems to help slow my cycling and help with the lows in particular. I'm not sure it has done anything yet but I just recently titrated up to 200 mg. Would love to hear others' experiences.
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self.bipolar
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What is the meaning of life? I (25m) have asked this question many times over in one form or another since I was a child. If I think hard enough I can remember moments in my life where the question slowly changed from that of a curious and open minded point of view to that of a disillusioned optimist.
As I sit here typing this I keep asking myself "why?"...
But there is a need deep down in my soul for my life to have been worth something. I look back at all of mankind's history and I see cycles. Civilizations rise and fall with each generation relearning the same lessons over and over. It really brings things into perspective when you see it from a grand view. But it's a double edged sword in a way because it has always left me wondering what part I would play and whether or not it would even matter?
I have fulfilled many of the boyish dreams I held as a child. I have set a good example for my younger brother and I have been a good son to my parents. Lately though I have been feeling this chill in my gut. Like a sort of essence that halts whatever pleasure I am feeling. I feel truly stuck. I also feel as if I have no right to feel this way...
...yet I still do.
If anyone out there is receiving this transmission please respond. I am starting to feel helpless.
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self.depression
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I believe I’ve finally made the decision to go. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Thought of getting a job makes me want to kms. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Should I start online schooling? (as a junior in high school) [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Forgot my headphones today I forgot how bad my social anxiety can get when I don’t have music to drown out my surroundings. Hearing everyone’s conversations as I walk by, and trying to find one thing to focus on, it’s fucking terrible.
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self.Anxiety
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I need to cry but can't Instead I'm going to sleep in the fetal position.
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self.SuicideWatch
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At a weird place in my life... What is happening? (long rant) [deleted]
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self.depression
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Loving someone that doesn’t love you back is the worst thing I’ve ever felt. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Living across the world as my entire life is crumbling [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
What exactly is anxiety? I personally have zero problems with anxiety, I am just an extremely relaxed and easygoing person. However, I very frequently meet people who describe themselves as having some type of anxiety issue. This seems very general to me, what exactly does it mean? How does it typically affect the daily life of someone? Of the people I know who have told me they have anxiety, they seem fairly well put together. Obviously, I am not witnessing their entire life, so Idk. What exactly is it like? I am very interested.
Also, what kind of medical diagnoses are there for anxiety? Are they common, do people who have anxiety typically have it medically diagnosed or manage it on their own?
Anyways, any insight would be appreciated, if anyone would be open to enlightening me, I am open to have a conversation with anyone about it. Have a great day!
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self.Anxiety
|
What does it feel like to dissociate? Did it happen to me? Last night I came home and was trying to relax when I started feeling high. I didn't use anything to get high. I just felt exactly like I was high. And then I started to feel like I was somewhat outside of my body. Like I could see myself from outside of it...kind of. Like I was coming out of my body. It's so hard to explain. When I talked, I couldn't really feel a connection to my brain and it was like listening to myself say words. I had a really terrible time concentrating on anything. It felt like all my mind wanted to do was zone out.
I see a lot of people here have what they call dissociation. Is that what happened to me? I didn't feel right until I went to bed a few hours later and woke up normal.
If this isn't dissociation, does anyone know what it is? I'm in my thirties and this has never happened to me. I will add that I'm fairly certain I'm hypomanic right now - if that helps determine what that was in any way.
Any idea why this could be happening to me now, when it's never happened before?
Thanks for any help, advice, experiences or just reading this. I am so grateful for this community.
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self.bipolar
|
Memo from a high school student I hate some guys will every fiber of my being
The guys that are complete jerks to everyone and get to bang the hot girls while they're all over him for being an asshole
The guy that has the rich parents, good looks, and complete asshole demeanor
Guys like that make me feel like insecure
They make me feel like I'm at the bottom of society
They make me feel like I'm more worthless than dirt
They make me feel like everyone around me is secretly laughing behind my back
I hate it
I'm self improving. I really am. But I hate that some guys have it so easy with girls while other guys have to work so hard to get to where they are (simply by genetics and luck)
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self.offmychest
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I miss you Dear NM,
I miss you. I'll never tell you that and I think if you're being really honest with yourself you'll understand why. But, I'll always miss you. I'm in a happier healthy relationship now. I have been for years. I know you know that, too. But, don't think I don't mourn for you. Don't think I didn't ever love you back. I did and I do. But, man, please seek help because you're destroying yourself with those drugs and using music as an excuse to keep you high. You're only fooling yourself. Please take care of yourself mentally, spiritually, and physically.
NG
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self.offmychest
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Distance is a true hell for me I'm 20, and depressed since 4 years. I was in a better shape this summer, and fell inlove with a girl. We're together since 4 months, and are deeply inlove. It's helping me so much with my depression to be loved. And she is supportive, since she had a depression too.
But we see eachother only during the weekends, because she studies in another city. I become really fuckng anxious, paranoiac, insecure and jealous when we're not together.
I analyse every one of her message, get angry for nothing, start to think she doesn't love me anymore for no god damn reason.
I don't know how to handle it anymore. I love her so much, she's everything to me, and is the only reason I don't think of killing myself anymore.
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self.depression
|
anxiety is taking over my life. lately since the new year started, i haven't been able to sleep very well. i keep overthinking, and i scare myself sometimes into thinking i might have a stroke or even a heart attack. lately ive noticed my anxiety is triggered by memories. and it sucks because there are days where i feel free and ready to let go of my past but, i start remembering things and i end up getting really bad anxiety attacks. idk what to do anymore. i either just stay up listening to music or stay up watching Game grumps. i sadly get so fearful over the fact that i might have a stroke if i don't calm down. and im just extremely scared. im lost and i don't know what to do.
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self.Anxiety
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drained of everything I have nothing left.
I got tired of telling anyone I'm depressed and suicidal. Everyone seems to think I'm fine.
I just started to pretend again.
I have no reason to believe I can change, because I have no reason to believe that life will change.
I am trying to be careful about what I say, because it seems to impact how I think, almost immediately. I can't be careless with what I say, because I'm haunted by my perceptions strengthening from what I have said.
I can't will myself to even pretend to be positive in what I say, to believe that will actually change anything. I have tried, but apparently, whatever it is I'm looking for, I have no hope that I will ever find it.
I feel like dying, because I have family trying to help me, and I can't change, because I've given up believing I can, believing that anything I can do will help. I feel like I'm choosing between two types of suffering, one fast and painful, and one slow and numbing. And that is the best I believe I can expect from life.
I can't imagine it getting better. I can't believe it will get better. I can believe that, no matter what I do, it will get worse.
I wish I was able to make this easy to do. I'm confused and I didn't listen to anyone I should have, for a long time.
Now it may be too late. I thought there was a chance I would wind up committing suicide, but as every day goes by it seems more and more like a certainty.
I can't tell if people don't reach out because I pretend to be fine, or because I push them away.
I feel like I thought I was doing the right thing, but the closer I feel to death, the more I feel like everything I did was the wrong thing.
I don't want to feel like I have to be so smart I can figure this out on my own, and, I don't want people to just tell me what to do when I let people know what is going on. I don't want to be made to do anything.
So I just. Everyone thinks things are getting better now. And I feel closer to suicide than ever.
I feel like I am begging for help from a void, because it's the only thing that hasn't felt like it has hurt me from the onset, or in retrospect, I don't know.
I just want it to be over. I have no hope. No goals. No interests. No dreams. Nothing. Fear and desire come and go. I want what I can't have. I have what I don't want. I am alone and I don't know where to begin to start to change anything.
This time, I'm letting it kill me, because this time, no one is coming to save me. Everything about me screams run away.
Everything seems wrong. I can't fix it. I can't take my walls down long enough to let anyone help.
Is this really the end? Was this how it was always going to happen? Could I have seen this coming? Was there something I could have done to have prevented it?
I don't know. I really don't.
I wish I could cry out for help. But I can't anymore. I won't let myself.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Can I still be hypomanic and suicidal? I recently just discovered I'm having a manic episode, and I'm extremely suicidal currently, but not in a depressed way.
I had a small fight with my boyfriend, and I was being selfish and impulsive (like I do with mania), and my boyfriend was being insensitive and saying things like "that sucks", or "that's too bad", and it made me really angry and stuff. I tried to control it, but I impulsively just got angry, and called him rude and stuff.
Now I'm really suicidal because I don't really see why I choose to live when all I am is manic or depressed. I don't know if this is normal, but it is what it is I guess.
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self.bipolar
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My relationship is falling apart, and it's my fault. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Overwhelmed. Helplines don’t help much, just want to read what people did today, boring/ casual as it may be [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Nobody knows At the end of the day nobody really cares, even if they know your going through pain. They only care when youve killed yourself because then they wonder what they could have done to help. Being alive and in pain doesnt inconvence them because its a pain that they dont feel but once you killed yourself they feel something because now they are inconvenienced by your action.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I am scared and need help. Feeling completely hopeless. I just want to end it all because I don't think there is any way out of this pain. I know I need help...
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self.SuicideWatch
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To whomever is messing with my car This past week someone has been messing with my car. I'm sick of going out to my car and seeing my trunk slightly open or my hood not being shut. I hate you! You haven't stolen anything from my car but I am thinking about calling the non emergency number for the cops so they can watch our neighborhood more closely.
We have lived here 4 years now and we have never ever had problems with people messing around. I have an idea of who you are because your the one who thinks it's ok to drive 45mph in a 15 zone. You have all kinds of people coming by your house all times of day and night. We live in a small town that's become overrun with pill heads and meth addicts. If I catch whomever is messing with my car it will not be pretty.
I now am locking my car, and I am warning my husband to lock his since he carries his work stuff in his car. We have never had to lock our cars until today. This town used to be one of the safest but I guess we are no longer on that list. Just know I'll be watching and I pray they catch you in the action! Im fed up with this town turning into a drug town every day there's someone getting caught with pills or distribution of drugs. Now your messing with my car-I haven't done anything to anyone! End of my rant!
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self.offmychest
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Christmas used to be my favorite holiday Now it just makes me feel more alone than ever. I am a college student who comes home for the holidays and also an only child. My friends are all either mostly busy (I've only seen them once), or gone, or I'm just too terrified to try and hang out with them because I always feel like I make the effort. My SO is 6 hours away and hasn't really talked to me in the last few days and I just feel so goddamn alone.
My mom has her own issues and takes them out on me a lot. I feel like my parents can smell my depression because all I do is sleep. I stay up until 5 am because I'm super anxious, and then don't even feel like I've slept when I wake up, so then I have to sleep until 2 pm. I don't even feel excited about presents tomorrow. I just feel like a terrible friend, child, and SO because I feel so goddamn awful all the time when I'm home. I chose to go to a college far away to escape this environment, and when I come home it's like being sucked back in and I feel more shitty than I ever have again. I've been doing great these past couple of months but being home with my (sometimes verbally abusive) parents just wears me down and sets back my progress so much.
This is just a rant but I don't know who to tell it to. I deleted all my social media accounts/apps and don't feel like talking to anyone at all. I just needed to put my feelings down somewhere or I feel like I'll explode.
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self.depression
|
Pregnant and Depressed First time posting here so excuse me if this is more a vent than anything. Im not sure i want anything at all from posting, but here it goes. Ive struggled with depression since about 15 on, worst of it being a tie between when i was 22 and also my experiences last year (I'm 25 now). I was doing well for a while and becoming pregnant, even with all the hormones and the excuse of a father i was, happy. Really happy. Even thinking about meeting my baby most of the time brings me hope. Yet lately, I'm not sure if its my third trimester hormones, the realization that I'm comfortably living someone elses lie, or just ya know that good ole episode that happens for almost no reason at all. Im just having bad thoughts. Thats my depression, its like a tar seeping over my brain .. covering my thoughts in putrid filth. It was one thing when id only be thinking of killing myself, yet these thoughts are worse because they take two lives with them.. and yet the thoughts claim to be so innocent, angelicly asking at the end of it, isnt it for the best? I honestly dk. Can i be a good mother when i suffer these thoughts. I can have a good year but what happens when they come back. .. they always come back.
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self.depression
|
I think I'm going to kill myself when I get home. I'm crying in the bathroom stall at my job and I can't fucking do this anymore. EDIT: I've calmed down a bit, so I'm probably not going to do anything to myself tonight. But I still don't know how much longer I can hold on.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
20 years of depression. I've had a sad life. I'll give a synopsis of why I'm depressed and sometimes suicidal and see if people think I should be feeling this way.
I have autism, and was bullied relentlessly all through school up to high school. I got beat up many times. And worse. My family has betrayed me. A lot of terrible things have happened.
When I was little up until I was 7 years old, my uncle John was my best friend. He did everything with me. Then he had a child of his own and began to completely ignore me. Shortly thereafter his wife and he decided that they didn't like me and didn't want me around their kids. I didn't find out about this until last week (I'm almost 35).
I was a jerk when I was a kid, I admit that, and I was hard on my cousins. I take responsibility for that. They didn't like me very much, and neither did their parents. I am an only child and my cousins were the closest thing I had to brothers. They've all betrayed me as an adult, when I have become a nice kind helpful loving and generous person, as if they were still mad about stuff that happened 25 years ago. First my oldest cousin betrayed me. I was there for him when his parents split when he was 19 and he took his anger out on me and assaulted me many times. Then in 2014 we were in Spain and I said something about a waiter that was being very rude to us that my cousin didn't like and he almost abandoned me in a strange town in Spain (he was driving) with no money no ID nothing I didn't even have a phone. I would have been stranded 100Km (60Mi) from home (we have a condo in Spain). Then his brother betrayed me. We were living together at my grandparent's house and he refused to talk to me or spend time with me. One time my cousins were going to a basketball game and I asked if they could come and they said no. Then my other two cousins (John's sons) betrayed me, but they were cowards about it. We made plans to hang out several times and they would always cancel. My one cousin streams on twitch and when I'd log into his stream and start talking to him he would log off within a few minutes. They'd say they were too busy or too sick to hang out then I'd see on facebook that they'd gone out with their "real" friends to do something that day, and they were lying to me.
My grandparents passed away in 2008 and 2016. They were the kindest people I've ever met. All of my cousins lived with them for at least a year, went there weekly when they were kids. My grandparents payed for their university, lent them money, were always there for them. My cousins didn't come to my grandparents funerals. My grandfather was buried in Toronto and they couldn't come because "they were busy". Then my grandmother was buried in Spain and they didn't come. I asked my one cousin why he didn't come and he said he couldn't get on a plane because he hurt his arm.
It goes without saying that I've told them all that I hope they get cancer and die and that I think they are human garbage. Even my mother, their aunt, has said that she no longer loves them.
My father is suicidal and homeless and has almost murdered people on countless occasions but because we live in Canada where justice is so lenient, nothing has happened to him. He tried to stab a co worker to death two summers ago and the guy put his hand up in defense. Knife went through his hand. What was obviously attempted murder was only charged as assault with a weapon. My father got a peace bond (not even probation) and was set free. I have seen him pull knives on people, throw people down stairs, all because of nonsense. He has also been very abusive to me, but for some reason I have always been there for him. Now he's homeless and suicidal and has been living in a car for almost a year.
As if that weren't bad enough, my two best friends. The only close friends I had, both dropped dead at the beginning of this year. I have no idea what happened. Nobody does. They both died of sudden massive heart failure. My friend Shannon collapsed at home with her fiance, my friend Chris, who I loved like a brother for 30 years, collapsed and died at a train station in front of his 7 year old autistic son who is now so traumatized that I don't even recognize him.
All these things and more have happened to me. My depression and anxiety have gotten so bad, despite intense medication, that I often have terrible physical symptoms. I was in bed for 48 hours the last two days and couldn't even open my eyes because my mental anguish had made me so sick. Nobody was willing to come spend time with me. I called everyone I know.
All these things, and many more, some of them worse, have happened to me. I could go on for hours. I've had a miserable life and I can't seem to be happy no matter what. I wasn't even happy when my life wasn't all that terrible, and lately things have gotten so bad that I don't know how I'm even out of bed and typing this right now.
Oh and also I haven't had sex or a girlfriend for almost eight years because I got massive erectile disfunction in late 2010/2011 and it doesn't work any more. Not even with viagra. I'm afraid that if I go out with a woman, when she finds out we can't have sex, she'll laugh at me and leave me.
Things are not good.
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self.depression
|
Medicaid Issues Might not have meds the first of the month.
Trying not to panic.
Gotta go in next Wednesday because the website is absolutely useless.
Aaaahhh lol anyway. Any personal horror stories of lapses in medications???
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self.bipolar
|
Karaoke is perfect for too much energy It’s perfect, I can sing myself to death till seroquel kicks in
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self.bipolar
|
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