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psychiatrist had new disorder for me so i went to see a psychiatrist. haven't been for a very long time. i was feeling good about going. i arrive more than 45 minutes early. this may have been a mistake. i was trying to give myself room to not rush. but of course since i gave myself so much time i didn't get lost, found it right away and then became anxious.
when i finally got in to see the doc, i was anxious and feeling foggy. couldn't remember some of the key points i wanted to mention.
i do a lot of reading about bp and am not convinced medicine works. i know it doesn't work alone, but seeing as i have tried everything else to manage myself from yoga to art to years of therapy, exercise, journaling, church, support system, moving to a new state, pushing myself to try new things, having pets, etc etc etc i figured - let's give meds a real good try.
i also tend to not trust medical professionals having grown up watching quite a few people in the hospital and seeing the lack of empathy. i get it - they deal with that shit all day. they can't be empathetic or they'd die.
anyways, i did a horrible job answering the questions. at one point the doc said when you're manic do people notice you talking a lot more. i dunno what i said but what i should have said is that the people closests to me in my life have known me for so long theyre use to it and so dont necessarily say things like "wow you seem really different this week." also, the people closests to me are so use to all the bullshit ive done they have learned supporting me means not to judge or criticize.
basically he alluded that i could be borderline. i reject this because his reasoning is: bipolar people dont have eating disorders or cut themselves.
can any one else agree that this is bullshit? i have a bachelors in psychology and like i said, i read about bp constantly and that just isn't true.
if i'm wrong - please someone help me digest this.
im sick of doctors throwing disorders around. like be more fucking sensitive. it's hard enough dealing with this. i don't need extra stuff. i
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self.bipolar
|
Failures I’m a failure. I hate that I’m not as successful as I could have been. I was always supposed to be the smartest one, the successful one, the one my family could be proud of. Then I became a giant fuck-up and took seven years to graduate college, and it turns out the degree I got doesn’t count for shit anyway. And that degree that doesn’t count for shit still put me in $30,000+ of debt. I’m stuck in a job that doesn’t challenge or reward me. I want to do something people will respect me for. I’m the biggest letdown my family could have possibly asked for. I couldn’t finish college on time. I don’t have a meaningful career. I don’t get to be creative in any way where I am. I got a DWI recently and embarrassed myself and my family. I can’t bring myself to do the basic things to take care of myself and my life. Just thinking about having to put gas in my car sometimes is enough to make me want to quit the day. I know that sounds like depression and that I should get help for it, but I was on antidepressants until a few weeks ago and the side effects were even worse than the way I feel now. I guess I even fucked up taking antidepressants. Most of my friends and family don’t care about me. My own sister won’t answer the phone or call me back, and we’ve always been so close. She moved thousands of miles away. W moved across the country. K moved away too. J unexplainedly cut me out of her life. M & P have their own thing going now that they’re going to have a baby. My friendship with G may be ruined as of now. X hates me. I know my mom is disappointed that I didn’t do something more impressive with my life and that I’ve gotten myself into trouble now. My grandma loves me but she doesn’t know much about my personal life and I find it hard to open up sometimes. Dad is dead. Grandpa is dead. Does K even really love me? I don’t think he understands me or cares about any of the same things I do anyway. My aunt is far away and I haven’t felt very close to her in years. I don’t know how to build a relationship with my brother. I feel so isolated and devastated by so many circumstances and losses. My lifestyle may look pretty great, but I’m stuck paying for a house and bills I wish would go away so I could at least travel and see somewhere new. I miss seeing the world like I used to. I feel tied down in every aspect of my life, like there’s no escape from anything, like I’ll never feel free again, ever. I love my dog but I don’t know if I am caring for her enough for her to know that I love her. I want to see and do so many things but I can’t. I don’t have the time, or I don’t have the motivation, or I can’t spare that much money. I’m just sick of it all. I’m disgusted with myself. I’ve gained weight and I quit working out years ago. My looks used to be such a source of pride for me. I just don’t know if I can do it all anymore. I know that I have a lot more material things than many people do, but I feel like everyone else has more contentment and freedom than I do. I’m tied down by things I don’t even want or that I feel aren’t good enough for me anyway. I know that sounds ungrateful, but it’s how I feel. I could never say any of that to anyone because they would tell me I’m an ingrate and spoiled and that I need perspective – because I’ve heard all that before. Well, this is MY perspective. And that’s why I’m writing this instead of telling anyone personally. Because no one fucking listens to me anyway. I miss the way things used to be and I know they will never, ever be that way again. I was happier, had friends around me, hadn’t fucked my life up, and still had a future. Everything I try to do to give my life meaning, I fail at, because that is what I do best. I’m a professional fuck-up. I am a fuck-up piece of shit person with a shitty attitude. It’s no wonder everyone left and I’m alone. I had so many opportunities to do things I could’ve been a master at by now, to express myself and find talents, but those things will never happen now. I wish I would have learned to play an instrument. I stopped painting. It’s just too fucking late. I’ll never be anything special or amount to anything. I’m just so tired all the time. I’m physically tired, I’m emotionally tired. I literally felt the heaviness of my heart in my chest today while driving home in 5 o’clock traffic. I watched the trees pass as I drove, and wondered which one would be the best to smash the car I’m so proud of into so that I could die instantly. I tried to find religion lately, but even failed at staying involved in that. I feel like I’ve tried to cry out for help so many times in so many ways, but it has never worked. Why doesn’t anyone see me? Why can’t anyone figure out that SOMETHING IS WRONG?
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self.depression
|
Fuck New Years. Actually, fuck the holidays in general. Every time I type something up here I think of all the times I've been psychologically tortured by "friends" and just people online to the point of it being more harmful than my own mental illnesses that I get scared.
Tonight I'm not scared.
It's been tough since November. TLDR: A friend of mine rapidly fell ill and has cancer - three tumors in his kidney which is the primary cancer and two tumors in his brain. Anyone who's familiar with stage 4 brain cancer knows how this ends. Best friend of 15 years cut off from me after I admitted to them I was diagnosed last week with Aspergers. Same friend has had my back through my mental health issues (bipolar, several anxiety disorders, anorexia, alcoholism) and somehow bails for autism?
I thought I couldn't feel lower until I was the one hearing about a NYE party I wasn't invited to by my other friend. Three friends and two are treating me like shit (or I'm over analysing, I don't know) and one's dying. I've been too sick with walking pneumonia to be able to see them in hospital.
I don't know what to do. I've been emotionally blunted/numb since August (physical inability to cry) as well as skills from years of CBT, DBT and CPT aren't really doing much. I feel like shit. I was the only one online on PSN tonight, the only one playing WoW and I can't focus on Netflix. I feel like a fucking loser and wonder why I'm always alone. It's not JUST because I'm sober, people still can hang out without drinking, but every year I'm alone. I was alone on Christmas. I was alone on Thanksgiving. I can't go out to Tim Hortons (my usual place to be to write and journal) because it's -37C and that's just not happening.
I don't know what the hell I want out of posting here, I've just found myself at this sub reddit more and more and I guess tonight I needed to get this off of my chest. Lord knows if I do it on FB someone will call the police again for a wellness check (despite knowing I 1) have a safety plan with my therapist I see weekly and 2) have been known IN THE PAST to get myself to the psych ER when I'm feeling low enough) or accuse me of drama or something else.
I don't know. Fuck the holidays, fuck new years and I wish I had friends who cared. Everyone I've ever tried to meet online or in any of my games either turned out to be transphobic, homophobic and absolutely psychotic the second I refused their advances. I just want fucking conversation where someone's end game isn't to get laid (I'm asexual so good luck bruh) or treat me like a piece of shit.
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self.depression
|
Bad anxiety/paranoia spinning out of control I'm having major anxiety today. I haven't been sleeping well and I've been extremely irritable, and something my SO said earlier made me spin into thoughts of paranoia, which I can't seem to get rid of once they start.
I know it has to do with my sleep and missing medication doses, but I can't seem to do anything. I'm writhing in my own skin. I hate this feeling so much. I'm so paranoid. I feel so weak. Nothing is working in my life.
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self.bipolar
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I'm done being angry, all I want to do is go home and crawl into bed with you That's it.
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self.offmychest
|
I cried when I realized there are things about living that I like I have some things that I really do genuinely enjoy I've found, and that's making me feel all the worse about this inevitability of me ending my life, there's really no stopping it now. All I can do now is sit around and feel terrible thinking about what might have been had I done some things a little bit differently while I wait for the day of my death. It just feels so fucking bad man, I'm so fucking helpless and there's nothing I can do to stop any of this, it's just all out of my fucking control completely. Not that any of it really matters at this point anyways, I've accepted the fact that I was going to die a long time ago and I'm more ready for it than ever. Killing myself really does seem like the most fitting end for me all things considered, but it still just feels so bad, everything just feels so bad. I'll still say goodbye to my best friend in person first, he deserves that at least, but after that it's goodbye world.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Suicide seems the perfect ending but I love my parents too much [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I love you reddit. You are the best. You kept me clean even when I’m in horrible hell hole of a shitty place. Thank you Reddit. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Fuck it all Just had my mum (who has also had depression before) say to me “it is normal to feel like this”
No fuck it isn’t. Is it normal to feel like you’ve got no purpose? If it is, what’s the fucking point.
Seriously, this world is crap. I just wish someone would actually understand me.
Wish I could either get better for ever or go now for good.
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self.depression
|
This is it. There's only one way out of this now. I have to end it before things get out of hand. I need to make people hate me first. I need there to be no one that will care when it happens. If they hate me, they won't miss me. It's starting with my girlfriend. I haven't felt the same about her for about two weeks and I finally told her. We've been together for almost a year now and this is tearing her apart. She thinks its her fault though. It's not. I just kind of stopped loving her. I feel horrible because we've been through so much together. She stayed with me even as I went through having voices in my head and staying at the hospital for treatment. But i just can't bring myself to feel the same way about her. It's killing me too, but if I do this right, she'll hate me and I'll be able to go without her missing me. Maybe if I'm a dick about it, she'll be glad I'm dead. Then I have to make my parents hate me. That will be a bit harder, because they've stayed with me through everything too and have been very supportive.
I think this is finally it. I'm finally going to cut it off now. I don't know how im going to do it or when, but it's going to happen soon and it's no one's going to be able to stop me.
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self.depression
|
I've tried everything and nothing works. The only option left is death.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I feel like I am pushing people away... I have GAD and OCD, with depression. I am trying to manage it with meds, therapy, and other things.
My friends, co-workers and family have been incredibly supportive, particularly over the last 6 months as things have spiralled out pretty badly.
The problem is that part of the anxiety and OCD is fixation on the intrusive thoughts, often for days or weeks at a time. Whenever I think I have come to terms with something I find something else to fixate on. When I get like this, I get compelled to seek reassurance from friends, co-workers and family. They are often work related and a fear of making a mistake.
They have all been very supportive, but lately I feel like it is starting to wear thin. I have been fixated on a couple of things for awhile now and have needed a lot of reassurance. I can tell people are getting frustrated with me and annoyed.
I’m not sure what to do. I try to not go to people over and over but I have a hard time controlling it. I’m worried someone is going to blow up at me or I will lose relationships over this. Looking for some advice or support :(
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self.Anxiety
|
Bipolar and Dating... Need Advice Good morning to anyone reading...
TL;DR: I've recently come out a full swing of 4 months of hypomania or mania and 4-5 months of depression. Broke my life, now getting back on my feet, and a gal became interested and I'm interested back. I have no idea how to tell her I can get unstable.
I'm still undiagnosed. I have my first therapy appointment tomorrow, followed by my first psych appointment on the 20th.
I'm fairly level right now, but I have had some hard lows (got real dark on Easter) and what I think is daily euphoric hypomania (there has been at least 4 days where I have gone balls to the wall and got a bunch of shit done but after 4 or 5 hours in to that I notice that weird burning in the chest and a feeling I can't quite categorize... It almost feels like waiting for or expecting something bad or good to happen... I don't get it at all really... And completely high-strung).
Anyways, about 3 weeks ago now, I was working (I'm a mover) and the customer took my number down (Not uncommon, I do a lot of side work) and then proceeded to set me up with her daughter (very uncommon, never before happened lol).
I know I'm in the weeds trying to figure out what the fuck is happening in my life, trying to get to therapy, diagnosis, and a litany of other concerns (as stated, I broke my life during my last episode and am now digging out of a mountain of debt and rebuilding connections to family and friends).... None of which is related to dating.
Nonetheless, I am dating. We're taking it really, really, really slow (still reeling from a break up 2 years ago and my current state of life). We've only gone on 2 dates, but we talk daily.
On a date this weekend, we started talking about some heavier stuff. We all have skeletons. She's not an exception. But as we got into family dynamics, I started sharing about my genetic side of the family... How there are many problems.
She said, "Wow, they sound so crazy, how did you turn out so normal?"
I said, "I'm kinda not normal... I have problems too."
She asked what I meant... And what followed sounded like the chinciest explanation of bipolar one could ever hope to give.
I didn't even say bipolar. I didn't want to scare her.
How do I explain what I go through to her so she can make an educated decision about whether or not she wants to see me?
I'm not afraid of missing out on romantic connections because of bipolar. I mean, it sucks, but I know if I'm unable to let people know what's really real then no one will ever stick around and if someone leaves when I'm not semi-level, I could really hurt them emotionally.
I'm a real bastard in relationships when I'm depressed or manic.... At least I have been in the past. Just fucking nuts.
What have you guys done in the past to help people understand? Is there a graceful way to give those we are dating the information about what we go through so they can really consider what a relationship might look like?
I like this gal but my main focus is getting right upstairs and staying as right as I can for my lifetime. But I have a feeling this is a lifelong journey and I will have ups and downs... So I don't want any potential partners to be in the dark about it.
Thanks for reading. Sorry if it was too long.
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self.bipolar
|
Shut down today I had a high anxiety week...well past couple weeks more so this week and I haven't been sleeping well. I just feel like I cant even function today. People are asking me whats wrong which is bad, i usually hide it better but today i just cant...
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self.Anxiety
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Just wanted to share my story with you guys [deleted]
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self.depression
|
No one tells you No one tells you how hard this really is. To not be able to trust your own mind. To be in a constant state of anxiety and self doubt. To question everything anyone says to you and over think everything.
It's teadeous and tiring and exhausting and I wish it would just stop.
Just for a moment I wish I could be relaxed with nothing to worry about but it never seems to happen.
I just want to cry.
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self.depression
|
Growing up just doesn't feel right... I'm so close to graduation. This year has flown by so damn fast that thinking about it is making my head spin. All the things I've done in the past that I'll have to give up and the feeling of never going back to a school again just feels all so weird. It's driving me down, seeing people come and go faster than I want, feeling like time is skipping days, weeks, even months, feeling like I could have done more and knowing that I should have.
I've always kept it in my mind that I need to keep my mind in the present and focus on the future, but there are still times that I sit back and dwell on the past to much. Seeing all the fun I had, all the trouble I got into as a kid and seeing all the faces I've met, all the hands I shook, all the conversations, fights, breakups, makeups, and even the first impressions just blows my mind away. It makes me sad. I sit here on Reddit to have a laugh, subbed to r/funny, r/softwaregore, r/lounge, and even r/mylittlepony so that I can feel like a kid again, to feel the happiness of childish things one last time. That "last time" being longer and longer as I waste more and more time doing nothing for myself and wasting it all on here. What can I do?? Are these thoughts normal?
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self.depression
|
How to stop anxiety and make myself feel normal again? Ive been having anxiety for 3 days straight non stop panic attacks everyday i wake up feeling like im out of it, exhausted, i feel unreal, detatched, lost. And its making my anxiety worse. I dont know what to do, someone please tell me what i can do to help myself....
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self.Anxiety
|
It's so hard Anxiety is very very difficult to deal with. Why do I have an excessive amount of it? Why do I perceive I experience everything in life as a high stakes situation? Why does my body feel like I am preparing for war when I just have to do my math homework?
This is so awful. I'm not going to do well in math and my college is so expensive. I'm going to hang my head in shame after the final, I know it. I have 10 days until all the homework is due. I've only finished 25% of it, and that 25% was life draining.
Why can't a doctor prescribe me actual medication? I get proponolol (heart attack medication) because I have RACING heartrate every other hour and Prozac (ssri, can be used for anxiety, me and my family agrees I shouldn't even take it because I'm going to completely change as a person)
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self.Anxiety
|
its christmas and my father is dying my dad has a braintumor and he is getting closer to death by the day. we as a family never really talk about stuff, the only time i felt better was after talking to my psychologist, which i had to leave because i am so called therapy-resistant. i have been depressed for 9 years now and i do not really feel anything anymore. last year i gratuated but my field of profession does not provide any job-opportunities. i have let the few friends i had down because of my depression and anxienty, they slowly left and i dont really feel close to anyone anymore. i have no future perspective and just kinda fail in everything by not trying to begin with. getting rid of myself isnt an option cause it would hurt my family even more. the guilt of not being able to give my father a worthy goodbye, while he did nothing else but provide for us is a burden i can not carry
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self.depression
|
Any advice on dealing with on going stress/Trauma? I'm currently dealing with something big that I can't talk about however it's effecting me quite a lot mentally. Has anyone got any techniques or tips on trying to de-stress while going through something that will set off my anxiety for potentially a few weeks?
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self.Anxiety
|
the holidays just make everything worse the holidays make me hopelessly depressed and on top of this, i’m in my senior year of high school and it fucking sucks. everybody is leaving me. i lost my boyfriend and best friend and i’m so lonely. i can’t sleep because i’m so fucking depressed. i want to od and end it all, this all fucking sucks
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self.depression
|
I've had a hard day. --Posting on my alt--
I had a hard day today, got messed with by my bullies. I went home to play online Chess, only to lose two games in a row (and lose 200RP). Compiled with my bad day, I almost feel like cutting. Please give me a reason not to.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Why go on if everything is dark. I might have some speckle of hope to fix a singular problem of my ocean of problems and I just feel like I'm rowing a boat with a hole on the ceiling during a storm at night… nothing I do can actually save me, I'm just lost and scared. Even if I fix that one major problem, I think I'm too fucked in the head to continue forward.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anxious about stupid things regarding my relationship. Need comfort and advice. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Best depression excuses? When someone asks why you seem so sad or depressed or generally seem to be catching on what’s the best excuse?
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self.depression
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Didn't know you can be aware of self sabotage. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Going to sleep as soon as I take care of things [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Does anyone else have trouble being themselves with their therapist? [deleted]
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self.depression
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My life is falling apart and I'm losing the will to pick up the pieces. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I just took a shower for the first time in 2 weeks, and I just washed my hair for the first time in months. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I actually feel happy. Originally posted in r/casualconversation and was told you guys might like this. Edited a bit to fit this sub more.
After years of battling depression, suicide, and hard times in general, I took a look in the mirror and realized I'm actually happy. I feel good about myself and who I am, I have good grades, I've got good friends, I'm working out and playing football, and I have more self-confidence than I've ever had before. This is honestly just the best feeling I've ever had in my life, and I hope one day you all can feel what I'm feeling as well, because it does get better. It's a hard road but the reward at the end is worth it! :)
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self.depression
|
Dating while dealing with mental illness. [RANT] I love my boyfriend and friends and family with all my heart, I do. But goddamn it if it isn't annoying how I can fully disclose that I have severe depression and anxiety with OCD-like tendencies. I can go in depth about how I'm a handful with extremely low self worth and it's all "it's okay babe I love you no matter what and I would never judge you" but god. forbid. I show signs of mental illness? Crying over a failed test which makes me feel worthless? "You're too sensitive, don't be a crybaby." Getting supremely anxious because somethings not perfectly right? "God, you're such a control freak." Try to express myself? "You talk and think about it to much, you're always upset over something." I would kill for someone, anyone who understand that I'm actively trying! That I actively don't want to feel like shit! I need to get back on my anti-depressants... I just hate how sick they make me feel. I have no appetite and I can barely sleep when I'm on them but goddamn if they don't just numb me right up. I just don't know what to do anymore and I feel pathetic for posting this.
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self.depression
|
Can anybody give me some advice on applying for Disability? I had an wpisode and quit my job. Everything is a mess right now and I feel depressed and helpless. I already called my psychiatrist and legal aid. What can I expect in this process? Any advice on other steps to take?
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self.bipolar
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If you take a mood stabilizer, but it doesn't make you feel any better, does it mean you're not Bipolar? Edit: thanks you guys, you're amazing people. Sorry if I don't add more details, I lack the energy (also, English is not my first language and I'm lazy). I got two different diagnoses, but truth is, I don't want either of them.
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self.bipolar
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yesterday is not today I was never into to Lil Peep's music before he died. I did not ever consider it to be something I would be remotely interested in. Yet here I am, deeply affected by the death of someone I do not know because of the way he died. I am prescribed Xanax but I have always felt it is an addiction. I can't imagine my life without Xanax.... I don't know if I should continue this post. I was hoping to see similar posts but I have not. I really would love some positive vibes right now because all I have is worry and doubt over a substance which allows me to function as a normal human being
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self.Anxiety
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Having a panic attack because my dad is yelling [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
''You'll do it and you'll do it with a smile on your face'' is what one of my co-workers said to me today, in front of our boss, because I had a problem with potentially working opening (5am-1:30pm) and closing (12:30pm-9pm) shifts on a regular basis. And granted I didn't have the best reaction to the news (because I'm not a morning person and they know that, currently the earliest I ever work is 7am) but even still the co-worker had no right to say that to me and I'm disappointed that my boss didn't say anything because she was right there and there's no way she didn't hear it. I do like and respect my boss though, and later on in the day she did listen to my concerns, but the fact of the matter is it looks like I'll be working those shifts on the regular and nobody else in our department has to do that which makes me feel like I'm being taken advantage of.
But I also found out later on in the day that one of the other department managers is being made to work until close on the 23rd even though her employees with less seniority get to leave earlier that day, all because that's what upper management wants for whatever reason. I felt bad for her, she was crying. And even a co-manager was working until close tonight and expected to open tomorrow.
So if these people with higher positions than me are being treated like this, what my rude co-worker said seems to be the opinion of the whole company. But just because this kind of stuff is going on doesn't mean I should have to just shut up and take it. I'm going to do my best to keep my head down and look for another job. This is a wake-up call, it's time to try to look for something better. I'm just scared I won't be able to find anything better...but I don't want to live like this anymore. It's hard when you're waking up at 4am and then having to stay up until 10pm. It's ridiculous that people in this company don't see the problem with it.
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self.offmychest
|
I don't see any point in going on anymore I'm 20
I have no friends and haven't had any for 2 or 3 years, I never get invited to any social event, all the girls I attempted to ask out as a teen always always rejected me, 15+ attempts
Dating sites and interpals yield 0 results I don't even get profile views let alone messages
When I tried to invite friends to hang out, sometimes they would agree the first time, but over time they would become increasingly distant and finding excuses not to hang out with me
Even though people often laugh at my jokes in class etc, they still don't want to become friends with me, I used to be the class clown and still had no friends, I got sick of attempting to please people by making them laugh so I stopped that a few years ago.
My life is meaningless, lonely and boring with very few stints of happiness, I wake up, go to class, pretend like I'm a somewhat normal human being to my classmates, which fails pretty often, then I go to the gym, browse the internet and go to sleep
I'm thinking of going into STEM where there are basically no women, I'm going to spend possibly 5 more years completely isolated with no social life
I might have the capabilities to achieve something nice for myself with a career in engineering, or programming, or whatever
But I lack the motivation because I have no reason to even keep myself alive
Why should I go on any further?
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self.depression
|
Im making plans to kill myself very soon. Im failing most of my classes, my depression has gotten much worse, everyone hates me, and I cant do anything about it. I tried to tell my friends, but they took it as a joke. My life is pretty much falling apart, so im gonna end it.
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self.offmychest
|
Pretty cliche situation but it happens I chased a girl for 6 months. We were together for a few weeks, and she broke it off because she was afraid of commitment. That was fine to me. Be that the reason, or something else, I tried my best and it failed. So be it. Drank it away, graduated college, moved a bit out of town. We are no longer friends, but from the start to the end she was one of the nicest people I've ever encountered, and because of that I miss her friendship.
Meanwhile, from the beginning of the 6 months, I confided in a good friend. He and I shared drinks, music, conversation, and support with. We weren't close, but close enough to be there for each other when need be. When things ended with the girl, I was grateful, since he was there for me.
Turns out, my good friend and the girl got together. I found out a couple of days ago. Makes sense, since he started to disconnect with me in the last few months. Maybe he feels a little awkward by it. I'm not really sad, or angry about this happening. I'm glad they got something to work out. What I am sad about is the fact I lost two good people in my life. Irrationally, I also feel that I have some sort of fucked up judgement of character and because of that feel like I'm going to eventually end up losing everyone close to me. Thats a little wrong of me to say, since neither of them did anything intentional against me. But fuck does it feel heavy. I miss my friend, and I miss the girl. If you got this far into reading, thanks. I needed to get this out.
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self.offmychest
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Just a quick question... I started this semester strong even despite being an hour and a half away from campus. The drive sucked but it honestly didn't used to bother me. Now that my depression is in full swing again, I'm finding it almost impossible to make that drive. I have zero motivation or energy and even *thinking* about making that drive gives me anxiety. Does anyone else have this problem? Is it just me? Or is this really a depression thing?
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self.depression
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Being open ans vulnerable is so hard There isn't even a reason for why I feel this way. I just want to be able to care about something or someone and not have it feel really uncomfortable. I've been trying to self improve lately but it seems like everything I do gets lost in the recesses of my mind. Maybe I fucked myself up to much from weed and psychedelics. I've described myself as not having an ego before but the things I do suggest otherwise. I can't even pinpoint the emotion I'm feeling at a given time. Maybe I'm just too depersonalized. I know I can get better but it's like my brain is unable to heal itself. All I feel is paranoia, especially about my blood pressure and heart. It's super high all the time and I'm finally going to the doctor for it, but after feeling like I've almost had a heart attack several times, all I can think about is sudden death. I know I'm lucky to be alive still anyways but I just have this creeping feeling that my heart will just give out due to stress I can't get a grip on. Stress is all I feel and I'm aftaid it's going to kill me.
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self.depression
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Lamictal Hey guys,
I explained some of my symptoms to my doctor and he decided to put me on lamictal. I may have extended the believability of my symptoms a small bit, I do have severe mood swings from highs to very very very lows, not highs as much.
I also tend to space out and it's like there's a lot of electricity going on in my brain when I space out.
I also developed hppd back in March from doing lsd, if you've heard of it I think it's just a misinformation of mental illness triggered by drugs, anyways.
I have a few questions, did/do any of you suffer from bipolar hallucinations and if so what are they? And my biggest concern is, does lamictal cause hair loss?
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self.bipolar
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I took a walk semi-throwaway account, just wanted to share this experience. Tonight I got drunk, snuck out of the house and walked a couple of blocks around town. It was very peaceful. Complete darkness, not a single sound except for a couple of cars driving by. It felt great being completely and utterly detached from reality for a while. I felt reassured that even in this shitty existence I'm still in control in the end.
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self.depression
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Completely lost my temper today did not show it made it through A terrible day is ending good. Last night I was stood up for a date, that started the downward spiral. I was very upset about so that I gambled and won $300 then lost it making me even more upset.
I find out today that a coworker I've worked with the past year has been talking behind my back.
I was so upset I just stopped caring. Finally home and I'm letting this nonsense go because it doesn't matter. I'm going to do something fun that makes me happy and forget about this evil nonsense just enjoy my life and let it go.
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self.bipolar
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Nervous about going to the club with my boyfriend I'm a guy who is in a relationship with a guy (we are both around 20) and we are going to a gay club with a big group of friends. He's been to the club alone and we've gone together once before, but everytime I get really anxious about going because I imagine some really hot guy is going to hit on my boyfriend, and something will happen.
He's never cheated on me and he tells me I'm out of his league sometimes, and I really don't think he's that type of person. But when we're in the club, I always think some guy is going to try and hit on him and take him away from me. There have been a couple instances where (admittedly gross looking) guys have tried to hit on him and my BF was visibly uncomfortable, but then when I walked up they saw we were together and then left him alone.
Anyways, looking for some tips on not to be so nervous. We've been together for over a year.
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self.Anxiety
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Currently awaiting evaluation and possible diagnosis, showed this song to my mother to explain emotions https://youtu.be/zkXC5BF-nGo
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self.bipolar
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Hello there I erased my last four posts I was gonna make, I just don't feel valid enough to say that I really want to die, but I'm too scared to kill myself. I've thought about it for years, I cut myself sometimes, and I've come really close before, but I always stop myself. I want to die so badly and I don't want to tell anyone because of a similar fear. I just wish I didnt feel like a societal reject, but I look like a freak. I wish someone I cared about cared about me as well. I hope no one I know has a similar suffering within them, it would break my fucking heart to find out one of the people I know killed themselves, but I can't hold myself to the same standard, I really want to kill myself and I'm not strong enough to reach out IRL not even to my therapist.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I spent the last 30mins trying to write something. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Does anyone even care? I don’t know how it ever got to this point but I’m about to end my life and no one that I know seems to even bat an eye. I’ve been alone my entire life and now I’ll die alone just like I always knew I would.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Why don’t I feel super happy? Related to my last post about being super stressed and anxious about my new job. Well My first shift was today, and I made it through with no panic or anxiety - but now I don’t know why I’m not happy about it? I enjoyed it and think I did well but it’s bothering me that I don’t feel a huge relief or satisfaction?
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self.Anxiety
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I [28 M] broke up with my [27 F] girlfriend of 6 months two days ago, and she attempted to take her own life. I feel sick. I led her on for a while, I agreed to be her boyfriend a few weeks ago because I couldn't say no. I can never say no. I liked her, but I never loved her the way she loved me. I kept changing my mind over the last few months over whether I should stay with her or not.
We broke up once, in July for 2 weeks, and even though we only met in May, she didn't take it too well. I agreed to meet up with her again after that, which I never should have. Later I found out she had considered killing herself then too.
I should have never met her family. I should have never gotten back together. She didn't take the breakup well. She felt violated because she showed me a part of her life she had never shared with any other man, even though she was married for 3 years once.
We had a fight over thanksgiving because she had missed a birth control pill and that was our only form of birth control, and she didn't seem to think it was a big deal. I said that having a kid now with her would ruin my life. I broke up with her on Sunday after getting back home from my family trip. I told her I didn't share the same values as her, and I felt like I was being controlled and needed space. She did not take it well. She yelled and screamed for hours, and threatened to hurt herself.
I called the 911. The police came, but they were useless. She denied that she had threatened to hurt herself and they acted like I had wasted their time. What the fuck?
After they left, she grabbed a bottle of booze from my shelf and tried to drink as much as possible. I managed to wrestle it out of her hands and dump it down the sink. And I had to pull a knife away from her as she grabbed one from my cutting block and touched it to her wrist.
Eventually she calmed down a bit. I didn't have her mother's phone number, but she called home at some point and she heard some of the mayhem. I don't know why the mother did not send anyone over to pick up her daughter. Either herself, or one of her sons. She told her daughter to drive home and for me to follow. I tried to explain that she was drunk. In the end, I carried her to her car, and drove it to her house. When we got to the door, I wanted to talk to one of her parents and tell them to keep her safe, and take her to the hospital because she was in crisis. Her father opened the door and then ran to his own room like a coward, rather than face either of us. By this point it was 1 in the morning and I had done all I felt I could do, so I left. I called an Uber and had it take me home.
The next day her mother called me hysterically yelling and crying, saying that I had killed her. I couldn't understand much of what she said. Even on a good day, her Haitian accent was almost indecipherable. I was sick to my stomach. I almost threw up. I drove home from school immediately and went to my room. I didn't know what to do. I called my mom, my uncle, my sister. They all said I had done nothing wrong and I did everything I could. Breakups happen every day and I've never even heard anything like this happen before.
Today her mother called me back and told me that she was in the hospital now. After spending the whole night thinking that my ex girlfriend was dead, I finally learn that she is alive. But she took 24 pills of some kind and left a suicide video. She's in the hospital now, and I will never accept another phone call from her or anyone in her family ever again. Her mother blamed me. She raised her daughter to believe that a man would come and sweep her off her feet and that it would be a fairytale story, and that it would never end. She's 27 for god's sake. Her mother is 62 and they both ought to know better.
I've seriously don't know how I managed to get into this mess. I thought I was too mature to get into a destructive relationship like this. I saw all the warning signs, and yet I kept going. I keep feeling like this is all my fault. I don't know how I will get through the coming weeks, with finals coming up and college transfer applications due in about a month. How can I even cope right now?
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self.offmychest
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Do you ever shut down? Basically all emotions fail to perform and the world loses its shine.
You guys ever feel that way?
Any clue why it happens?
It makes me wonder why I bother with human relationships
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self.bipolar
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I got scared more than I’ve been scared in a long ass time. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I have never felt so apathetic in my life. I was told as a kid it would get better, as a teenager that it would get better, and here I am inching closer and closer to 30 and it's still not better. I'm a college drop out in an incredible amount of debt. I am completely ready to die but far too terrified to kill myself. My father is a barely functional alcoholic, I know he wouldn't survive it if I did it. I live my day to day doing nothing. Nothing I enjoy doing I'm good at. I used to get mad at that, break stuff, scream, self harm. Now I don't even bother. I used to live at my jobs, coming in early, staying late, giving more shits about it than even personal relationships but now I've lost the will to even look for a job anymore, but I can't afford to pay any of my bills. My phone will be shut off within a month.
I have all of these things going wrong and I still can't make myself do it. Not until my parents are dead, or at least my father. I'd be shocked if he lives another 10 years but the idea of staying alive until then just ruins me. I've been depressed my entire life. I've gone to professional help for it, been to a hospital, etc. I'm just not strong enough to live in this world. I could blame a lot of people for the way I am but in the end, I know it's me. That's what makes it so defeating. It's just because of me. It's easy to live in the past and dwell on all the things people did to me, but life's hard for everyone. Other people make it work. Close friends have gone through awful tragedies and are better people than I could ever be.
I know that the only person making me think these things is myself and the truth is I just don't care anymore. Previously when I'd talk about how depressed I was, even as a teenager, my mother would tell me I'm lying and looking for attention but ever since I got out of the hospital she won't even talk to me about it anymore. She just changes the subject. My father's only sober for what feels like 45 minutes a day, so I can't ever talk to him about anything. Never have been able to. I know I'm not the son he wanted. He's never liked me and we've never had anything in common. He lets me live with him out of obligation. He'd be ostracized by his family if they found out he turned me away.
I have no idea why I even posted here, I know nothing helpful ever comes from dwelling in the past and saying "woe is me" but after years of trying to avoid it, living clean, exercising, focusing on interacting with friends more and still I wake up every day fantasizing about finally having the strength to end it, I've stopped bothering. If I had a way to just not exist and not hurt anyone by doing it, I'd do it. But as it is, I guess I'm sticking it out.
When you ask people who are religious about why they believe, their answer always boils down to "I know. Deep down, I know it's true." In a couple of years down the road, I'll hit 30. If I can live to 30, I'll probably live forever. But I know deep down, as sure as they know God is real, that I'll never hit 30.
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self.SuicideWatch
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suicide basically is the only way to go for me my family is bullying me all day long , i am a failure at school , im sick too often for a job , for me its either suicide or someday living below a bridge , i just need to think of a way to do it where i dont damage other things, i just want to destroy the worthless thing in my room , not my PC or manga which actually have a value unlike me
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self.SuicideWatch
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I am just some object. Sex is everything to everyone around me. I cannot escape the pain it has caused and still causes me.
I was sexually abused as a little girl. I remember when I was 3 yo and masturbating. I found out as an adult, that years later after the abuse the guy who did it shot himself at highway rest stop.
Growing up, my dad frequented strip clubs and had many one night stands and got with hookers behind my mom’s back. My mom remarried a sex addict shortly after their divorce when I was 12 and he would often hit on me.
At school, going through puberty, I would constantly get my butt slapped or made fun of since it was larger than other girls’ my age.
As I got older and I kept my virginity, my school crushes would constantly ignore me and have casual sex with my best female friends. I would hear all of the gory details from my best friends after.
My first boyfriend, who I was with for 5 years, he was addicted to porn. Constantly, he would ignore sex with me for porn. Especially asian porn (I’m white). He later on had sex with my best friend on an overnight field trip I was not a part of. I found out on the fifth year and we split.
While trying to experience being single and independent, I was raped. A friend of a friend drugged me and fingered me against my will as I laid there and cried unable to move.
Every guy I met in college cheated on me. Either with my roommates, casual pof fwb types, older women, etc. Just think of the dirtiest porn plot and insert it into my boyfriend’s life.
One guy in college tried killing me. He drugged me and beat me up. I later found out that he was gay and hooked up with his weed dealer. He had a sugar daddy.
Another guy in college used me and showed all of his roommates the dirty sheets we slept on right after having sex. I was mortified. I thought he wanted to be serious with me.
And another guy in college cheated on me with about 5 girls in one week. I read about their graphic sex acts he left for me open on his pc. He was also the one that hurt me in his shower. He came up behind me... I thought to kiss me. No, he did anal forcibly without my consent. I cried in pain and never wanted that to happen again.
Later on I dated a guy for 3 years. He ended up becoming an alcoholic on the last year. One time he insisted I get black out drunk. I remember I couldn’t move and he forced me into having sex as I lay there crying. I never mentioned it. He cheated on me with random girls off tinder on occasion and I tried to deal with it as best I could. As time progressed he would beat me up, in broad daylight, in public. One time at a public pool. No one did a single thing. They all just watched in horror as he pelted my face and tried strangling me. My clothes were falling off from struggling... I left him after that and I subsequently went homeless.
While homeless and living out of a cheap car, I signed up for the army. While waiting for training, I was violently raped by an acquaintance. He pinned me down as I was screaming for help. It seemed like hours went by. I think they did because when he was finished with me the sun was up. I had bruises all over my body and I had to buy plan b for the 3x he came inside me. He told me that he had given me aids... I waited months later with anxiety to get tested (neg).
Instead of doing a rape kit and reporting him and further delaying trainging and amplifying the amount of time being homeless, I just reported to meps 3 days later. While in-processing the nurses commented on how I looked like I had a “fun night” prior based on the scratches and bruises. I cried and kept my mouth shut.
In basic training I was accused of trying to sleep with males. It was a made up story and I was punished for it. The commander called me a slut to my face. Secretly, I was visiting with the chaplain weekly to discuss how I was coping with rape and scared I had aids or was pregnant. They took my rank, pay, and made me do extra duty for 2 weeks. Later on I got it all reversed but I had to graduate and inform my family attending about the disappointment of my time there.
Out of basic, I met a guy and married him. I got pregnant. We were excited. He was bisexual and he understood my sexual trauma. He was open minded and helped me seek therapy and treatment. The army didn’t like how he was “gay” and kicked him out on whatever they could find against him. They gave him a 3 day notice to pack up which isn’t normal. I remember reporting it but nothing happened. He killed himself when I was 6 months pregnant.
Since then, I managed to date again. Got cheated on again. That ended. And then got used by a guy cheating on his fiancé... it has not been so great.
And then most recently... I fell in love once more since my husband left. I have never felt so betrayed in my life. I constantly question what it is about me that is wrong. He is a sex addict, I think? If that’s even a thing. Whatever it is, he always chooses other girls over me and then tells me how much I mean to him right after. How he loves me and is sorry. I feel so fucked in the head. Everything is great with him when there isn’t any cheating. I fell in love with someone I didn’t know, I guess. With the fake him.
What hurts the most about this most recent guy is that his fetish is that of slutty women... nymphos. He lusts for any girl that is promiscuous.
If she is a stripper or hooker or works for a breastraunt- “hot”. If her tits are size H and she shows them off- “amazing.” He loves when they are young and slutty too. He told me, but I did ask, what his favorite highlight reel was- a random encounter with a barely legal blonde from online. She was very slutty and rode him in the car with others watching nearby in a park.
He’s been on every dating site while in a relationship with me. He had over 186 girls on his snapchat he jerked off to almost daily. He even emotionally cheated on me with two slutty exs- one had sent her nudes on a phone she sold/gave to him through the mail and the other (wannabe “sex therapist”) talked about flying him out to see her so she could give him sex lessons and she was going send him a fleshlight to boot. When I was miscarrying, he was trying to find any way possible to hide sexting with random online girls. During the hurricane, he bailed on me and ignored my phone calls. In October he made a fetlife account. This month he kept going on a site similar to reddit full of amateur women that you can message and get to know who post their photos and dirty stories...
I feel so devalued. My whole life... has been based around sex. Sex, sex, sex. If I look hot and work out, I’m a slut asking for it. If I don’t have sex in the first month, I’m a prude. I couldn’t ever get it right. I couldn’t find an inbetween. I’ve never been loved and found sexually attractive all at once. Now after everything in my life, I’ve gone completely vanilla. I have a very high sex drive compared to others but I am not comfortable with fetish stuff. I like love making. That’s all I want. Love.
And now this guy... he’s shown me over and over again how I am not good enough compared to slutty women. How they are better than me. And I’ve never been so hurt in my life than the times that I felt slutty or used. I can’t be the girl he lusts for. So he separated love and sex while with me. He got his sexual fixes elsewhere and abandoned me. He put sexual interactions with other girls first.
I feel like I landed in hell after everything and I am just wandering around aimlessly.
I am on antidepressants and I do see a therapist. I have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression and ptsd. It has been mentioned that I might have bpd based on my relationship history but usually doctors all disagree. But the therapy doesn’t make the pain go away. It never does. I want to drown.
I want someone to love me so I stop wanting to drown. I think I am unloveable.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anyone else feel like their thinking patterns are very “black and white”? Meaning, an idea is either completely genius, or absolutely batshit crazy? Sometimes I will have people tell me that something I said was very insightful and that it moved them in a certain (positive) way, and other times I will say something and people will look at me like I’m out of my right mind. But I feel like there is no “middle ground” for me. It can also be incredibly difficult for me to tell the difference between sanity and insanity when I get into those states of being sucked into my mind and dissociating from my body.
I’m also afraid to try any more antipsychotic medications because I’m afraid that while the crazy part of my brain will be shut off, so will the genius part. I feel like crazy and genius are actually the same “tool” (meaning both do the exact same thing, which is to blend what isn’t real with the individual’s subjective experience of reality, or to disintegrate the barrier between the body and mind), one being the positive side of the pole and the other being the negative. If the tool isn’t accessible, then neither are the genius ideas nor the insane ones. I guess that that would just cancel itself out and wouldn’t be either good OR bad, but I don’t want to feel dull all the time, even if I am more stable.
I feel like the correct way to treat mental illness is not to try to change or “fix” the illness with medications that end up worsening the issue long term when the meds are taken out of the picture, but to instead try to build a bridge back to reality, with that bridge being awareness.. awareness of what is real, and what is not. Medications are ultimately just a band aid, and it just seems like a negative downward cycle if you ask me.. especially when taking tolerance and side effects into consideration.
I have no idea why I started typing this up or what the point is (if there even is a point lol), but hopefully someone can relate to what I’m saying here. I kinda feel like I’m in my manic/psychotic state right now, when I came to this epiphany. I can sort of tell because it’s becoming incredibly difficult to articulate my ideas into coherent sentences. Took me forever to type this up because of constant editing/going back and adding things in. I also constantly isolate myself socially because of this constant need to go back and change or add things to my statements. Nobody gets it and I get treated like I’m stupid or something. I don’t even bother with relationships anymore because I know that “normal” (let’s say average) people can’t stand to be around someone who is emotionally unstable. All the ideas that are worth talking about just come out in jibberish until I write them down in sections and revise over them a few times and fill in the gaps. (when I’m not medicated). Antipsychotics paralyze me and make me stupid and boring though, even if they do help me communicate fluently, so that’s not even a feasible option for me.
Sometimes I feel like mental illness is a curse but I can’t let go because I also feel like it’s a gift, and that I will miss out on the one idea that will make me a successful entrepreneur, or the one idea that will cause me to write a bestseller, or give a TED talk, or something along those lines. Plus, why would I want permanent brain damage from medications that only fix the *symptoms* temporarily?
Any thoughts anyone?
TL;DR basically what I’m saying is, I believe there are two sides to everything, and that awareness is the only genuine and permanent way to solve mental illness (namely psychotic and anxiety disorders), and to be able to distinguish between what’s real and what’s not. I also don’t understand the point of psychiatry, and it seems like just a big money making scheme when I think deeply about it.
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self.bipolar
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Your abuse was not because we “weren’t a perfect match.” I spent two years of my life reconciling the things you did and said to me as "drunk mistakes" or a result of something I had done. But now, a year out of the relationship and with the person I will likely marry, I have the strength to say that I didn't deserve one second of what you did or said to me. I didn't deserve it when you texted another girl for naked pictures. I didn't deserve it when you shoved me into your dresser and shook me so hard your roommate knocked on the door to see if everything was okay. I didn't deserve it when you threw me into the cinderblock wall and gave me a concussion, or the blame you placed on me for the bruised bone you got for jumping down a half flight of stairs onto concrete to catch me. I don't deserve the periodic throbbing hip pain I still get in memory of the time you tackled me to the sidewalk. I didn't deserve the words you said or the worthlessness you made me feel. And I didn't deserve the silence you made me endure out of fear.
I didn't deserve you, you were right. I deserved so much better.
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self.offmychest
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What causes bipolar? Hey guys I've been doing a lot of thinking wondering why I am the way I am and I realized I don't actually know much about what can cause bipolar disorder. Is it bad genetics? Chemical imbalance? Childhood environment?
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self.bipolar
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I want to die I feel like I have everything I should want. Good body, good grades and a good social life. But I feel so fucking empty. None of the above means shit to me. I am so stressed about the future that I can barely breathe. I have no friends. Well I go to parties and pretend but I feel so fucking lonely. Nobody understands anything I say. I think about killing people I hate all the time, but mostly I think about hanging myself. I have no interest in anything. I just want to fucking die. As of now I see no reason why not
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self.depression
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Rocket League helped me with My Social Anxiety During Thanksgiving. Hi everyone, I'm 27 YOA with medically diagnosed Social Anxiety.
Normally:
* The days before thanksgiving I have a tendency to overthink every little aspect of encountering my family.
* The hours before my family arrive, I get tight in the chest and breathing becomes difficult.
* Usually, when they arrive, I trip over my words and come off as mechanical and scared.
This thanks giving however was much different:
* In the hours before they arrived I played a game,(Rocket League) and this distracted me entirely from my Anxiety.
* When they arrived, I was much more relaxed, eager to get back to my game. My introduction felt more natural and the interaction felt satisfying(?)
* Since the gaming setup was already in the living room of my house, I was able to hold good conversations comfortably.
Even though I probably came off a tad rude at first, the conversations I held where much more comfortable. By the time we had all set down to dinner, I no longer felt alienated.
It was like I managed to shut up the shitty, insecure part of my brain for the first time; and it was amazing.
Just wanted to share this.
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self.Anxiety
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I feel like I'm waiting for the perfect person I don't really like any of my friends that I have right now. Sure, some are really nice, but no one I wanna hang around. I wonder if there is someone out there who will fit me like a puzzle piece. My expectations are unrealistic though. I'll probably just die alone, unsatisfied. And with all the people I've pushed away, even if I do find that perfect person, I'll probably just lose them, and I'll feel even shittier.
Just something I was thinking about, sitting on the floor of my room.
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self.depression
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I sometimes think life is a joke. I try to be positive I really do, but when life keeps knocking you over and over again it's impossible. I sometimes think life just likes to hurt us. Nothing's meant forever, and people lie and never stay.
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self.depression
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I wish society didn't force depressed people to hide how they feel. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Levothyroxine So I took a about 15-20 levothyroxine about an hour and a half ago. I only have a little headache. Am I probably going to be good. Does anyone know anything about levothyroxine
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self.SuicideWatch
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Going to a party on my own! I'm going to a party for the first time tonight by myself! I've had a rough semester involving a breakup and a loss of friends, but a distant friend from freshman year invited me to a party at her place. Its within walking distance, so I was like "whats the worst that could happen? It might be a great way to meet new people and make friends." I don't know if I'm making a mistake tonight, but as long as I dont get trashed I think I'll have a good time. Its the first time I've gone out in about two months or even hung out in a large group of people. Wish me luck!
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self.offmychest
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25 m. Very dark times, need to vent. I'm so fucking sad. 25 years old, overweight (not obese, but enough extra fat to make life a bit harder) addicted to weed and pain pills and anything that makes me feel okay for a moment. Used to be extremely creative and musically and artistically talented and productive now I can barely lift a finger or work on anything without feeling this unbelievable sadness or anxiety that makes me wanna jump in front of an 18 wheeler. Things that I used to enjoy in life now have no meaning. In the past, the idea of creating art and music for the rest of my life gave me hope but now I can no longer see any semblance of a happy future. As soon as I wake up every day all I can think about is when will this hell end? My relationship with my parents and friends have suffered greatly. It doesn't help that I'm also an only child and the only one that has to watch my parents getting older. I have never been in a romantic relationship and at this point it feels like an impossible dream. I can barely hold a job because of the rollercoaster my emotions go through in an 8 hour period. To make everything worse, I am dealing with symptoms of past psychedelic drug use which cause me to see afterimages and question reality constantly. My ability to connect with others is at an all time low. I feel trapped and suffocated by a brain that seemingly wants me in the ground. I am so fed up. Im not sure why I'm posting this just to vent I guess. Every day I feel the urge to leave this body getting stronger and stronger but I really don't wanna devastate my parents and my dog wouldn't understand :( so scared that I'll never feel any sort of joy again even with the help of medication/therapy. This pain seems to have no end.
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self.depression
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all of my friends from a group turned their backs on me. I did something really bad, i turned what could of been a possible friendship in to a toxic relationship after meeting someone online, we hit it off and things escalated quickly, when it ended i fell hard, i felt used and mistreated and lashed out.
I was hungry for the same affection i was given in droves but scared, it ended with a lot of fighting and the person reporting me for harassment, all of of my friends from that group. People i cried and shared some of my deepest fears with, people i legitimately loved and would give an arm or a leg for just cut me out of their lives.
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self.offmychest
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Alone on Christmas even surrounded by loved ones. I sit in the shower sometimes counting the things I have to be thankful for. Telling myself it's suppose to help. I have all these tools to get through the worst moments in my life and I'm starting to feel like it's just not enough. So I'm adding, "post to reddit about how I feel, and offer help," to my set of tools. Every inch is a mile when you have depression so take your time and count your successes every chance you get. Happy holidays everyone.
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self.SuicideWatch
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What kind of jobs can socially anxious people have while still be comfortable and content? I kind of worded that question lamely... But yeah, where are you anxious people employed at? Do you work around lots of people? Does it drive you bonkers? Are you happy at your job? What jobs should anxious (especially socially anxious) people pursue? I'm struggling with this whole employment thing right now. I was a janitor for a year but the place I clean for didn't renew the cleaning contract, so I have to find another job soon. It seems like my options are super limited because I'll go crazy if I have to deal with lots and lots of people. I just want a job I won't be completely miserable at every day. Help!
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self.Anxiety
|
People who have gotten bipolar tattoos, what did you get and how did you come up with the design? I've been wanting to get a tattoo for my 26th birthday that represents the things I've gone through and come out the other side okay but I can't come up with a design that I like.
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self.bipolar
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I hope he breaks your heart just like you broke mine [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I just realized how much of a fucking loser I am. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Jealous how easy it is for others to find the love of their life, whereas no girl ever considers me [deleted]
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self.depression
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I spent my last 20$ on a way to kill myself. Everything I see is pointing me to do it. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I can't find or keep a job. Rent is is due and I have 2 dollars in my bank account. 85,000 in debt and I'm working a part time seasonal job.
No social connections because whatever the reason. Fat, stupid, old and no future. During thanksgiving week I couldn't get a refill on one of my meds because I owe the perscriber money. My other meds will run out in a few weeks so I've started weening myself off to avoid a big crash.
I wrote a pro/con list on if I should kill myself. The Pro side is 3 pages, con has 6 items and they don't have much weight. I turn my nose up to ideas of joy, happiness, contentment and intimacy. These things have not been part of my life and now I reject them outright.
Really, what options do I have? Why should I continue? I'm middle aged and life has gotten worse for me and there's no reason for me to think it gets better. I've spent the last 4 years trying to "get better" and it didn't work.
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self.SuicideWatch
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friends like me... Do you ever feel like you can understand everyone else, but no one ever understands you? My feelings are always on blast and no matter how much I try no one quite understands the depth of my emotions. I was diagnosed when I was 20...that was seven years ago. Bipolar has taught me some very painful lessons and I have made mistakes that I wish I could forget. I am sure you have similar scars. I just don't want to feel crazy anymore. I need people who understand the passion that burns and the deep sadness that consumes your entire life. I have been to bipolar groups in my area and I have not found one with young adults. It is hard to relate when you have never been married, have kids, or an established life really. I have come here because I want friends and I really want to find some solace.
Please respond if you are looking for someone to understand <3
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self.bipolar
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My best friend is currently being sent to a mental hospital because of suicidal reasons. She was close to taking her life yesterday and could use some positive words. I will send this thread to her later.
She has been depressed since just before her teenage years. She is currently 20 years old. Her depression started when her parents had problems as a couple and they seperated for multiple years. Her dad cheated on her mom aswell.
Yesterday things got very bad, and luckily I was on the phone with her. She wanted and tried to end the call, in order to go through with it, but I kept her on the phone, while calling 911. Eventually the police came and took her to the hospital.
She is now told by the psychiatrist that she'll be transferred to a mental hospital, as she is a danger to herself.
She's scared to be in a mental hospital, she doesn't know for how long, and is very stressed out (to say the least) about this whole thing.
Could you please give her some good words, insights and perspective to how this could actually be positive for her?
I'm lucky enough to not have depression so its sometimes hard for me to relate. Maybe some of you can.
TL;DR: close friend is about to be sent to mental hospital. Is depressed and was close to taking her life. Please help me help her. I'll send this to her later.
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self.depression
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I have a midterm tomorrow and I can't muster the energy to study for it. I'd rather kill myself than take the midterm. [deleted]
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self.depression
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My gf dumped me yesterday and I just saw her unexpectedly [deleted]
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self.depression
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incredibly frustrated, need advice Hi
I'm going to try to be as brief as I possibly can
I live somewhere in New Jersey. I dunno if it's alright to say that, but it's part of the story.
I was diagnosed in 2005 with Anxiety+Depression+GAD. I started with a psychiatrist I will refer to as Dr H. Dr H, if I remember correctly, started me on name-brand Lexapro, which helped me manage for a number of years.
But right from the beginning, I felt Lexapro wasn't good enough, and whenever I asked to try something different, Dr H started recommending the tried-and-true stuff (Luvox, Effexor, Paxil, Prozac, etc) less and less, if he even did at all, from what I remember.
Dr H knew that I was very worried about side-effects, and it got to a point where whenever he'd recommend something else, he'd preface it by saying "brand new, no side-effects!" I wish I could remember everything he recommended and whatever I had tried. I remember Seroquel being one of them.
One day, in 2013, he put me on Latuda. On the second night of Latuda, I had what we're assuming was some sort of full-body panic-attack. My body went into uncontrollable shaking and I spent most of the night in the ER until intravenous Ativan stopped the attack. Or whatever it was. My system was apparently fucked up for about two weeks after that, could only eat fruit and veggies (it was really weird), and it took a few more months to feel 'normal' again.
When we went to Dr H's office to tell him, his immediate and first words, I wish I was making this up, were "would you like to try something else?"
Shortly after that, I was too old to be on my mom's insurance. I had yet to hold down any steady jobs at all (nobody would explain the option of going on disability to me until *this year*) so I was forced to go on NJ Family Care. The name-brand Lexapro was no longer covered, so I had to go on the generic, Escitalopram.
Dr. H wrote the prescription. When I got the bottle from the pharmacy, it said Citalopram.
He blamed the pharmacy. The pharmacy blamed him.
At this point, I felt the pharmacy was probably telling the truth.
I ended up going to a nearby medical center to get a new therapist and psychiatrist, since the staff working through the medical center were covered by my weird insurance. The first therapist quit a few sessions in, his replacement made it a couple months before he also left.
My psychiatrist there put me on Paroxetine, the generic of Paxil, which helps me manage well enough to this day, but again, it's not the best.
Not long after, that psychiatrist *also* left. From that point on, whenever I went to my psychiatrist appointment at the medical center, I saw a different psychiatrist because they couldn't keep them on staff.
Eventually I found out that my primary care doc could continue filling my medication, so I stopped going to the psychiatrists.
During this time, we were trying to find a new therapist. The therapist that I had under Dr H was not trained in CBT/ERP, which I learned would be the best bet to fight my OCD, so I stopped going to him, and he died from cancer shortly after.
The next one we found was a half hour late to every appointment. His approach to CBT/ERP was terrible, he threw me directly into very extreme (for my circumstances) situations and wouldn't let up when I told him that (many times).
When we gave up on him, we decided to go out of network for help. I found a great therapist under an office, Dr L's office. She was great, knew CBT/ERP, and helped me in starting to truly understand my disorder. About a year into treatment, she moved away.
A little while after that, I got another therapist under Dr L, and she's been helping me tons to this day.
In fact, she's the only thing going my way. She's very good and I can't believe it took 12 years to find her.
But we are paying out of pocket for each appointment. I'm trying to get another psychiatrist, this time at a center in town that's covered, just to get someone to observe my experience with my medication, and they're known for "accidentally" losing appointments.
Meanwhile, trying to navigate the application process for disability has been a nightmare.
I'm 30 in June. I'm a burden on my mother, who fully understands what's going on and is responsible for paying for all of this. I know we're *just* starting to get serious work done in therapy, but I can't imagine how I'll be able to function in such a backwards society once I'm healthy. I am utterly heartbroken and frustrated over how incredibly ridiculous my experience has been.
This all started in 2005. I should've had access to a proper psychiatrist and proper therapist immediately. This absolutely should not have taken 12 years and I cannot believe the amount of life I have lost. My twenties were a waste, I barely got anything useful out of my college career, and my mom insists that I'm not a burden on her but I know that I am.
I've told this story to a couple of people across the internet, trying to get help and advice of any kind. But there's a new addition to the story.
I just reconnected with someone from my high school. *She has gone through my exact same issues with finding a psychiatrist.* She's had to deal with Dr H's rampant incompetence, issues with the medical center, and our town's mental health center frequently failing to keep the appointments that she schedule with them.
To find out that just one other person is going through the exact same thing I am has left me shattered. We're living in very stressful times and it terrifies me to think of all the people in this area who can't get access to proper psychiatrists due to all this nonsense.
So here's my question.
Is it my county? I've been told it's this one specific county in New Jersey that's so fucked up.
Or is it this state? It must be the state's job to manage all of this, right? Maybe leaving the county won't help, maybe I need to move to a completely different state.
Or... is it the country? Is the American healthcare system **that** broken? Am I going to have to take a huge risk, a monetary and emotional risk, neither of which I can afford, by leaving this **country** to get proper mental care?
I am just...gone. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I'm going to keep going to my therapist, trying not to think of how much we have to pay. I'm going to keep taking my medication, because I can't function without it. And I just...I don't know. I don't know how much more of this my heart can take.
Please. Any help, any advice, anything anybody can provide. Please.
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self.Anxiety
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No motivation I’ve gave up on everything, the two things that makes me feel a lil happy is hanging out with my crush and dancing, and i just don’t wanna be depressed but i can’t evade it, I have been dancing since last weekend just to be a bit happier. I’m lost
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self.depression
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My brother sent me an email with concerns about my depression. I wrote this back decribing the last 12 years of my life Depression has always been hard for me to accept let alone talk about. I like to think I first encountered depression when I was a senior in high school. Honestly, I don’t think I knew that I was first depressed when I was in eighth grade. But I was. There have been a few stretches of time that were great from when I was 14 until now, but depression has always managed to overcome what happiness I was able to find.
People noticed this quiet stigma about me back in eighth grade. “Why are you quiet,” I would be asked more than I’d like to admit. Even my own father asked me this at dinner one night where I spoke literally zero words. Truth is I never I had an answer because I didn’t know why I was so quiet. All I remember are the thoughts I would have where I would compare myself to other classmates; thoughts where I knew – or at least thought I knew – I could not have any girl I ever wanted; thoughts that came from a darker side of me.
I would listen to myself compare me to the guy I knew was a douche bag. I would believe that I NEVER would be able to amount to the girl of my dreams, whoever that may be. This thinking made me used to and conform to the idea others thought about me the same way I thought about myself. They hate me. I just “know” they hate me, and because they hate me I hate myself even more. If I could hate myself, why would other people like me.
The next day I wake up and I'm 18. Same shit, different day. Tomorrow I'll wake up and I'll be 26, and I’m no better than how I was eleven years ago. I’m worse and I have carpal tunnel syndrome up to my elbow. I know have to make a change.
There is a quote I love from Keanu Reeves I return to over and over again when I’m down.
“My friend’s mom has eaten healthy all her life. Never ever consumed alcohol or any “bad” food, exercised every day, very limber, very active, took all supplements suggested by her doctor, never went in the sun without sunscreen and when she did it was for as short a period as possible- so pretty much she protected her health with the utmost that anyone could. She is now 76 and has skin cancer, bone marrow cancer and extreme osteoporosis.
My friend’s father eats bacon on top of bacon, butter on top of butter, fat on top of fat, never and I mean never exercised, was out in the sun burnt to a crisp every summer, he basically took the approach to live life to his fullest and not as others suggest. He is 81 and the doctors says his health is that of a young person.
People you cannot hide from your poison. It’s out there and it will find you so in the words of my friend’s still living mother: “ if I would have known my life would end this way I would have lived it more to the fullest enjoying everything I was told not to!”
None of us are getting out of here alive, so please stop treating yourself like an after thought. Eat the delicious food. Walk in the sunshine. Jump in the ocean. Say the truth that you’re carrying in your heart like hidden treasure. Be silly. Be kind. Be weird. There’s no time for anything else.“
I’m sorry this is long. Truth is I didn’t really know how it looked from someone outside myself. Whenever I hear about the Chester Benningtons and the Amy Winehouses I think I don’t know how far I am away from the point of taking my own life. I know I need to get to the point it is not ever on my mind. Early I mentioned stretches of time during which I did not feel depression. I am ready to make that journey where I have more good thoughts than bad thoughts. More good days than bad days.
I’m going to turn around and live my life as Mom, Dad, and God intended.
I love you.
RavenclawPaw
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self.depression
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Tired and bored of life period Hi,
I'm doing alright in college so far. Last semester I tried hanging myself but was unable to do it right. The only reason I keep going to college cause of grades / it is free because of a pell grant. Even if I graduate college. I'm probably going to get regular grades / having to end up paying for a four-year college degree (I go to a junior college). I've figured out how to hang myself if I wanted to. If I don't get good grades / don't get a free education, I'm probably going to either hang myself or commit suicide someway.
Thanks for reading my story. If I don't kill myself this week or year. I'll be happy/hopeful to read the replies.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Always feel like I would rather be dead but not willing to go through with it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Somebody else got butterflies in their stomach all the time? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Is this anxiety i'm experiencing? Yesterday I was talking with a friend and drinking wine, and suddenly I felt high. Like baked, but when it's not fun. It lasted for the whole night, and I still feel weird this morning. My face would sometimes go numb and tingle, colors where overwhelmingly bright, my mouth was super dry, and light headed if I stood up quickly. I thought I wouldn't be able to hold a normal conversation, but I was surprisingly good at acting normal, despite feeling just super weird, hard to explain it really.
Does anyone have any idea what is going on?
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self.Anxiety
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When I cross the street now, I don't even look. [deleted]
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self.depression
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A depression theory Another commenter inspired me to share my theories on some common sources of depression. I believe it is human nature to always want more. Take smartphones for instance. Generations of ppl lived without the technology we have today but now we are accustomed to it. Once you have a car, a smartphone, internet, gaming consoles, etc..its hard to imagine life without those things. Sure you can survive but life would be less enjoyable. I'd be bored. Life would be less convenient and I'd be more unhappy. There are other ways to seek entertainment and fulfillment but that requires risk taking, change and money, which I for one have been in no way conditioned to handle. Throw in the emotional and physical symptoms of depression and change is even harder. Which leads me to the money aspect. The expectations and desires we develop due to the things around us and available to us in first world countries require a lot of money. Making that type of money is not easy. Not everyone is cut out to get a good paying job. Some ppl don't have the attention span, the intellect, the money to pay for college, the emotional and mental capacity to spend a third of our time doing a job that we hate. Take me for instance. Even with a degree, there is no job I could realistically obtain that would both pay well and be of any interest. Working 40 hours makes me miserable. I literally can't do it. But I hate my life. I hate the part of the country I live in. I'm tired of the places I go and the things I do. There are material things and experiences I crave but I would need a lot of money to change these things but don't know how to make it. At this point I'm just surviving. I work a job i hate to pay for the necessary bills of a life I dont enjoy. On top of that, I don't see a point to any of it. As far as I'm concerned, humans are just animals who became too intelligent to be happy with simply surviving, which is all many of us can afford in this world we've created.
Tldr: humans are just animals who became too intelligent to be happy with simply surviving, which is all many of us can afford in this world we've created.
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self.depression
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God, why I do even bother checking? Day in and day out, I'm doing the same things online. I'm zipping through sites and all of my messaging programs like Discord, Telegram .etc for anyone to be saying anything to me. Only to be disappointed that they haven't said a single word to me at all. I'm checking Facebook, I see a bunch of friends online and thinking they've might had a thing or two to say to me but that isn't the case. Absolute silence.
I get a little excited to even see an e-mail crop up. Oh, it's some e-mail about deals that are happening on some bundle game site. Big deal, don't care and don't have the money. Even if I did, I've got enough games as it is. Oh, it's some e-mail about some shit happening on a site I've forgotten I was even a member of sometime ago. Whatever. Oh, another e-mail about some movement group nagging me to join the next cause that they've decided I should join. Even if it's a cause I may not agree with or care about.
It's been a long ass time since I've even received an e-mail from someone personally.
I get my hopes way too high to even see notification tickers go off. Guess I'm too used to seeing something happen.
But what about the conversations I do get? Boring ol' small talk that never goes anywhere and dies off about 4 lines in. Boring ol' routine messages I'd engage in with some people over the same discussions that find themselves meeting the same conclusions. It's mind numbing and yet I don't even know why I bother.
I don't know why I bother looking forward to seeing something interesting happening like this. When I know well in advance, there'd be nothing. So, the clock turns and turns, days are melted away that I'm checking, checking and checking. Nothing. I should stop.
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self.depression
|
NYE is here... We are hosting the party. I just want to hide and cry. Ugh. I so don’t have the energy for this, but 15 people (family and really REALLY close friends of mine- my support network) are coming.
Doesn’t help that I am in the postdrome of a migraine.
I just want to hide and cry in my room.
T-1hr. 7pm. Then 5hrs of socializing. Ugh.
HELP!
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self.depression
|
Don't know what to do in my relationships I'm having a particularly bad mental health "flare up" right now. Add PMS to that and it's a bit of a minefield.
**Background:**
I'm a solo poly person who lives alone and is usually pretty independent. I have a couple of great relationships, and one in particular that I have a lot of emotional investment in. We both function best with a good amount of space; it's one of many ways we show love to each other.
I've recently started on benzos, and I realize this may be affecting the situation too. I have an appointment coming up in about a month that should help get me started on a more deliberate assessment and treatment plan. But for right now, I'm spinning out.
**The Problem:**
It's like I have two extremes I'm gravitating toward, and I can't find balance. I either want a partner as a shoulder to cry on 100% of the time, or I want to be completely isolated. I can't seem to rationalize this and figure out what makes sense to...need? If that makes sense.
My partners are supportive, wonderful people, who do have their limits. And honestly, I kind of hate myself when I push too hard or expect too much. I feel like I'm not a good or effective partner, and so I want to remove myself entirely and be alone. But then I feel so lost and lonely.
I know ideally this would be something a therapist would help with, and I will be looking into it. It's more like...I need an immediate action plan. I need a concrete list of what is and isn't okay to ask of a partner, and/or how often to ask, which I guess is something I'd come up with with them. Maybe I'm answering my own question.
I just hate feeling needy and desperate all the time.
sigh.
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self.Anxiety
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I will be dead in a couple of hours [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What's even the point? What's the point of living anyway? I already know how rotten the world is... people just exist to make other suffer.... how pointless everything is...
If I wasn't such a weak person I would be dead by now...
I am so tired that I don't even sh anymore... I just don't see the point anyway.....
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self.depression
|
I am tired I have fought very hard for years. But it's so tiring now. Trying to move and speak to people. I've done so much to make it better, but my medication doesn't work anymore. I can't get back into therapy for several months. I'm so tired. I've heard that it gets better so many times that it just feels like an echo. I am done now. I want to sleep. I don't want to wake up
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I think I'm done guys. I don't think I'm going to make it within a year. This is getting bad. I have no motivation, my brain is rotting, I can't ever think or articulate my thoughts. I'm doing terrible in school. Anytime I try and ask for help from various subreddits I get downvotes. Nothing helps anymore. Literally nothing. I'm anxious, scared all the time of everything, always have too much to do and I still feel like nothing works. I pushed all my friends away; I push people away. I annoy perople. No one every wants to be around me because of what and who I am.
Life is just fucking terrible. I have nothing good to go for me. And I'm sick of everyone smiling and saying "it gets better. Stop being so emo. You have no much going for you." Yeah, but my fucking brain won't WORK. Don't people get that??? Depression is like a fucking disease. I am trying to cure it. But it's fucking hard.
I just deleted everything I have that was social media. This is my fucking breaking point. I just don't like myself anymore because no one likes me. I might as well just not exist.
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self.depression
|
Can you get extended sick time for Bipolar? I know that it is possible to get disability if you are unable to work due to your Bipolar. I'm certainly able to work with my Bipolar, but I end up using significantly more sick time than my peers when I cycle. Is it possible to accrue sick time faster due to a disability?
The issue I'm having now is that all of my sick time goes towards bipolar episodes, so if I actually get sick I don't have sick time available. Right now I have to get my wisdom teeth out, but have to wait until I accrue enough time because I've used it all on bipolar episodes.
Advice?
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self.bipolar
|
I want to go back to being happy I keep seeing so many people who are blissfully happy. All these people announcing Christmas eve engagements and new pregnancies... I just feel sad and alone.
I lost the love of my life a week and a half ago and I don't know how to be ok without him. He's with his family and I'm with mine but I just feel empty. I suppose I know that I will get through this but I don't see how right now. We'll exchange some texts tomorrow to check in and tell each other how hard this is, but I want to hop on a plane and pray that some grand romantic gesture will magically make him fall in love with me again.
I just want to go back to last Christmas when we had raclette with his dad on christmas eve and spent Christmas day cooking for his mum. I wish he was here with me now and I wish I could feel as happy as so many people seem to be.
Or maybe to two Christmases ago when he got random, hilarious stocking stuffers and we got drunk playing board games. He would love how much snow we have here now, because that Christmas was too warm and green.
I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning without him.
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self.offmychest
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I made plans. I wrote her a note. I nearly went through with it. I can't cope without my daughter. I am a broken man. My abusive partner left me in September. Took our daughter 2 hours away. Has denied me access on several occasions. Have only had a couple weekends with her. I'm not likely to see my daughter again until late January. I also have a month to find a new home as my rental has sold. My life is falling apart. I have built the most amazing bond with my 18mo daughter and my ex is systematically destroying it. Everything favours her. I am powerless, and alone.
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self.SuicideWatch
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