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Goodbye Today you left me. Today you left and took all the happiness with you. Today you took the joy of life away.
From now on, my heart will bleed every day. My eyes will cry everyday. And my soul will search for you - every day.
I will never love someone else. I am yours, just yours, and always will be yours. And since you do not want me I will be a lonely, sad man for the rest of my life. Because I just have one heart - and I gave it to you. But that is ok since all I‘ve ever wanted was your happiness.
And while I am laying in bed and cannot sleep 5 in the morning, while I am suffering, you are sleeping well and having a happy life. But that‘s ok, since all I‘ve ever wanted was your happiness. I just want you to smile and be healthy and happy. If the sacrifice for that is my life, then that is ok.
Fly little angel, fly. Please take care of yourself. And please be happy. I will pray for you till my last breath. And I will love you forever.
Forever. . .
|
self.offmychest
|
Depressed: School is the only place I feel good. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Growing up Mormon with undiagnosed bipolar (TW: Psychosis, religion) TW: Frank discussion of childhood psychotic break. Religion. Satan.
Originally posted this on /r/exmormon, but felt it belongs here as well.
--------------------
I was recently diagnosed with bipolar type 2. It really shouldn't be that much of a surprise, considering my sister is also BP2, my dad is on the autism spectrum and has depression, and half of my family has behavioral issues of some kind, but it still bombshelled me. Thankfully, I've come through the worst of the initial shock, and I've started putting my sense of self back together. This has, of course, spurred me to reflect on some traumatic incidents in my childhood, and I wanted to explore them below.
Growing up, around the time I turned 12, I became a Mormon zealot. I was homeschooled, in the middle of the rural woods, in the deep south, and very fucking Mormon. I earned my Duty to God award, I studied the scriptures every single day, I journaled, I read the conference reports, I went to church, I cried for Jesus getting crucified, I had all the right answers in Sunday school... I tried to do every single thing that I was told to do. And this is where my mental illness really started to show, though I had no way of knowing it at the time.
I started having sex dreams involving other men. I couldn't rationalize this, being gay, with my ultra-radical faith, and in studying the teachings of Joseph Smith, I came to the conclusion that I was giving Satan power over me and he was making me physically attracted to other men. I began experiencing delusions that I was being attacked by devils or abandoned by the Holy Ghost, that God was angry at me for masturbating, or that false angels were appearing to me and telling me my calling and election was made sure. I truly feel that during this time I spiraled into a manic state, and I lost touch with reality.
Then the depression. Feelings of absolute worthlessness, of overwhelming guilt over being so fucking horrible and sinful to cause Jesus so much pain, that I couldn't stop sinning and that because of that I must be in Satan's control... The thoughts that Satan might actually make me harm a family member. The alarm and anxiety that led me to isolate myself for hours at a time. The agitation, the constant praying, constant reading my scriptures, trying to "always have His Spirit" to be with me.
One of the worst experiences I had is when we went up to a major airport. I got it in my head that the Holy Ghost left me (because you can FEEL when the HG leaves, amirite?) because of a bad thought I had, and that "God was turning me over to Satan". I began to panic. My anxiety kept rising. And I felt like I was literally in hell, under attack. My vision was partially blacked out, I dissociated partially, I couldn't sit still, I was agitated, absolutely distraught over losing the HG. Because that's what a loving god would do. /mindfuck
At the root of everything that, I feel, really made things worse though were two things: Gordon B. Hinkley saying that "we can be perfect in our thoughts and our prayers", if not our actions, which led me to set my zealot self up for failure, and in conjunction with that, a fucking OBSESSION in the leadership and youth magazines with "bad thoughts." I still remember that talk "your mind is like a stage! Disinvite bad thoughts!" Oh if only it were that simple. You mean that your brain is a complex biological organism that is completely capable of fucking with your perception of reality due to hormones, genetics, and environmental influences? YOU DON'T SAY. JUST SING A FUCKING HYMN, AND BYE-BYE SATAN.
These two toxic elements set the stage (see what I did there?) for mental instability and feelings of abject failure to cope or manage when I "sinned", and played off my predisposition to this mental illness. I had no idea that was happening, and truthfully, I should have been hospitalized as a kid. I wasn't.
Eventually I stopped believing in the existence of Satan, long before I gave up God or Jesus, for the sake of my own sanity. I could not believe in Satan without paralyzing anxiety and that's what I had to do to manage it. Eventually I lost God and Jesus too, and I've been out of the Morgue for seven years now (wow!), but I wanted to share my mindfuck of a childhood and how it was tainted by the Morgue.
I thought I had so much because I grew up Mormon. I thought I was gaining so much more than anyone else ever had. But it really set me back in so many ways, many of which I've come back from thankfully, but the scars it left are still clearly visible.
Thinking back on it now, the only thing worse than having breaks from reality and delusions as a kid was being taught my entire life growing up that they are normal and I should expect them. No problems here, just temptations from Satan. Go raise your arm to to the square and command him to be silent during Wednesday night activities, the priesthood gives you that power. Oh, didn't work? Well you must not be worthy.
/ramble
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self.bipolar
|
Not sure what to think. So my parents have decided to take "custody" of my cousin (dads brother). Some back story is needed. My cousin who is 17 did "something" to his sister I don't know exactly what and also I don't want to know (past experience) but I have a general idea. Anyway he has been in jail for a few months now because of it and is being released to my parents tomorrow who will take care of him and get the help he needs because he won't get that with his biological parents. Basically living off the state and having kids for the sole benefit of checks every month. They basically live in squalor and filth, and it's really sad so my dad was approached by the judge because he is the only person in his entire family fit enough to take a child in and he will live with my parents with constant supervision and more than likely homeschooled by my mother. They want to give him the life he never had as a child. I just don't know how to feel about this situation the only person in the house is my brother who is 18 going to college next year my sister and I both live out of state and visit as much as we can but mostly the holidays. I just don't know how I feel about him living in my parents house not that he would do anything but it's just weird, my dad is very adamant about this because he's a great person and sees an opportunity to make someone's like better and give them an actual chance. And I wish I can be as open minded and nonjudgmental as my parents some day. I'm just worried my parents are going to put to much on there plate when they have a son still in the house. My dad makes good money and can easily support his family but my cousin will need more and I don't want my dad struggling anymore than he has to (recently had a pacemaker put in) my mom also has a lot on her plate taking care of my grandparents a few times a week, I don't want to see them struggle when they were so close to having the house to themselves and able to live there best years together. I also loathe my uncle if I can even call him that for putting his children in this situation to begin with my parents did a wonderful job raising three children and I think they did a great job and he neglects the 5 or more children he has for government handouts. Not looking for advice necessarily just venting because my siblings and I are thinking the same and I won't bring most of it to my parents because I don't need them worrying how I feel when they are going to have this new person to take care of. Just any suggestions or if anyone has had a similar experience comments are appreciated.
|
self.offmychest
|
Fiancée and i just split. First christmas without her. have done nothing but sleep in my old bedroom at my parents. I used to love christmas and now the thought of it makes me upset. I flew into my hometown to see my family for the holiday thinking it would be nice to see everyone after my fiancée and i broke up (mostly due to me being miserable all the time). I was wrong. I hate this. I truly hope you guys are having a great christmas. I’m gonna take another nap.
|
self.depression
|
Religious Bipolar Poem I wrote a poem and thought it might be okay to post here. I am Christian and it reflects in my poem. Hope y’all are doing well. I just wanted to share my praise report/poem. 🙂❤️🌸💪🏻
I’ve beaten you, bipolar.
Really I have!
You no longer have a hold on me.
My mania’s managed,
And hypomania alike.
It’s all gone for good.
Now stand back in awe,
All who know the Lord.
It is He who is the wind beneath my wings!
Without my Lord,
Who knows where I’d be?
Who knows how hard it would be to cope?
Meds, support, Lord and all.
I have my best recipe for success.
I’m proud of myself.
I’m proud to be bipolar.
We are not who you think we are.
We are fathers, mothers
Sisters and brothers.
We are the common man.
I am not an experiment.
I don’t just need to work on myself.
I am not punished for my sins.
I didn’t do this to myself,
It happened to me.
But I’ll never stop being better for it.
I am not my diagnosis.
I am not bound up in fear, mania, or depression.
My Lord has repaid a hundred fold.
I stand strong because of Him.
I do not fear the days to come.
I trust my Lord has good for me.
I stand strong in the Lord.
I surprised my doctor!
She didn’t expect what my God did.
I wear my bipolar like a badge of glory,
My life will never be the same.
For me bipolar is an opportunity;
An open door in my life.
The glory shines through;
What the devil thought he was doing is in the garbage.
What’s left is the Lord’s good work in my life.
Dazzling colors
Pink yellow and white
Shine , glowing with brilliance
I am a conqueror.
My bipolar was beaten on the cross.
Heaven is here and now.
|
self.bipolar
|
I really don't understand why we're supposed to go to Mars. There are usually three main arguments for going to Mars:
1. The scientific value.
2. Humanity might destroy the planet.
3. "It's in our DNA to explore."
And so to start with no. 1, **what** (with the exception of answering the question whether there's been life on Mars) **do we want to find out that we can ONLY find answers to on Mars?** And **which of these REQUIRE a human presense on Mars?**
And my favorite question is about the 2nd argument. Okay, so let's say that Earth is "used up." We ruin it, destroy it, nuclear devastation, whatever. How is **going to an incredibly hostile environment on another celestial body,** ***and trying to survive there,*** EASIER than trying to survive on a devastated Earth?
Literally the only thing I can imagine that could make Earth anywhere close to Mars in terms of habitability is if all the nukes were detonated, and *still* I wonder if Earth wouldn't be a better place to be. I mean, as long as it has got an atmosphere, it's better than Mars. Mars is setting the bar very low when it comes to habitability. And even if Earth was to lose its atmosphere then, well, Earth still has a magnetic field, and we don't have to trek across mindblowing distances of near-total vacuum to get there.
The biggest threat that the Earth is facing at the moment is global warming, and while it sure will create a lot of damage Earth's flora and fauna, not to mention the potential social and political upheaval to our societies, the almost guaranteed deaths of starvation etc., Earth still wouldn't be a "barren planet," even in the worst-case scenario. It would still be bustling with life, only fewer species, unstable and shifting eco-systems, and probably *much* fewer humans.
"But it's in our DNA to explore!" Oh well why don't you make an inspiring quote out of that and hang it up on your wall for all to see and contemplate when they visit your house for mildly entertaining tapas-and-board-game-nights?
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self.offmychest
|
Reddit I don't know what to do with my friend who has depression can you give me any tips? She has literally bought poison to kill herself and she sometimes plan on using it and as a worried friend I'm frustrated with myself because I don't know what to do help.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How do you handle haircuts? I struggle with haircuts. The tight paper band around my neck, another curtain tied around my neck. A guy I just met trying to make small talk.
I finally got comfy with my old barber shop before I moved. Right when I felt I could handle the situation, the new atmosphere kinda fucked me up. Mini panic attack. Pouring sweat out of my head. I know he sees it, we both can feel the intense heat radiating from my skull.
I'm trapped. Can't just walk out whenever. I'm locked in. It's such a mundane trigger. It's just a fucking haircut.
How do you handle those situations where you feel "locked in?"
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self.Anxiety
|
Hormone issues causing breasts I am 31 and about 3 years ago I noticed I had low t symptoms. Low libido, dysfunction, skin softening etc. At first I figured just exhausted, at 5 hours of sleep a night and laborious job figured it just caught up to me. Then my chest got real itchy and sore and noticed lumps. I went to the DR freaking out it was cancer or something and he got an ultrasound that confirmed breast tissue. It wasn't bad so I shrugged it off as whatever after blood tests showed low levels but still in the normal range. Few months go by and I noticed my chest was getting a bit softer and poking out my shirts a bit. At 5 11 180lbs it concerned me. I went to another doctor and they said the same thing and suggested I do certain workouts and input some things to my diet to help boost testosterone naturally. Long story short things never slowed down and I am currently a 36B cup and filling them completely. I got married in the process of all this and I am at a point of wanting to wear a bra for work purpose as I drive forklifts and the bouncing gets sore real quick. I bought a few bras today thast are sports like as I just want comfort not projection but I am so scared to tell my wife about them much less about wanting to wear them. I can't justify surgery as it honestly doesn't bother me but what does is how my wife and friends will see things. This has caused me to be a bit reclusive and away from friends for awhile and last time I saw some friends one asked "hey Steve is your name Caitlyn now with those tits" I can take a joke but it made me realize how apparent they've become. I guess I came here to get off my chest what's been growing on my chest. Sorry if this is odd just sucks not being able to vent about this. Any one with suggestions on what to test for specifically would be a great help as I feel the doctors are only testing a basic set of things otherwise surely a cause would have been found and at this rate I'm scared how much larger they'll get.
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self.offmychest
|
I was wrong My title says it all.
I have apologized to so many people so many times that I feel like it must not mean much to them anymore.
I was wrong to run from home because of fear. I was wrong when I ran into your arms. There are lots of reasons and no excuses. I had been so completely depressed for so many years with no end in sight I thought I could just run from myself into a new life. You were caring and a friend. I told you my life was shit and that it was messy and you signed up anyway. We had some beautiful moments. And for a moment I thought I’d outrun myself.
I was wrong.
I told you we couldn’t be together and I needed to get better for me to be good for anyone else. This broke your heart, it broke mine just a little bit more. You told me to promise I’d come back and I thought it would be easier to tell you what you needed to hear.
I was wrong.
After months of the worst depression I’ve ever had I got help and I went home. You text me and told me how much I’d hurt you. I thought I could just let that be the end to it all. You would find someone better and I could maybe carve out some good for myself and feel human again.
Maybe I won’t be wrong this time. I wish you only the best and hope you find what it is you’re looking for in life. I hope you meet someone who can give you what you deserve. I hope I’m right this time. Whatever happens, I still have love for you, just not the way you wanted.
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self.offmychest
|
Panic attacks are becoming uncontrollable. What can I do? I have no insurance and started a new job about a month ago. My panic attacks are getting worse I can't drive for more than a few mi before I get shaky, my heart pounds, and my face gets numb. Last night at work I had these symptoms and my bp got up to 156/111 pulse of 118. I usually run in the 120s over 70s. Should I go to an urgent care to speak with that Dr? Should I have myself committed?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I don't remember how it felt before... I began struggling from depression at the age of 13 and went to therapy due to it, but due to a lack of money my parents pulled me from the sessions. after that my mental heath dropped at a steady pace. as a kid i would just dream of it ending, never waking up or getting struck by lightning. I clearly remember having a dream about me and my father getting in a car crash and i woke up in a sweat, not from my death but his. i have always put people before me and would constantly be the class clown because if i could make people happy that should make me happy... but i only continued to fall. Highschool came along and delivered the death of a teacher i had the opportunity to call a friend.
Now well in college i don't remember much of my child hood. everything that caused this has been erased from my memories, and highschool is a blur in all reality.
|
self.depression
|
I just really cant live anymore I'm a really shitty person and I don't mean like I'm bad or mean but I probably am that too. I'm not good at anything, I don't like people, I don't like anything.
The last time I was in a psychiatric ward I was 16 and it was at the beginning of 11th grade. I've had depression since I was a kid so whatever. I ended up leaving two months later and just never went back to school so I got my GED and then I decided going to college was next because that's just what you do I guess. And I really hate my home town and stuff.
So I went to college and I'm still 17, haven't finished the semester. But it's hard obviously and I still hate myself so fucking much and I never asked to be born, you know? And a few weeks ago I called my "uncle" who's not really my uncle and I was talking about how I feel so shitty and he was sympathetic and I even went to his house for the weekend and that was nice. I also started taking lexapro.
But obviously I'm still just super depressed so I called tonight basically and he's just ripping into me about how I'm throwing this away because I want to drop out again and people would kill to be where I am and I just "don't feel like it" and I'll never be emotionally ready for college and if I live with my mom again I'll never leave and I'll just work at a fast food place for the rest of my life and I'll have to pay my loans back and he said bye and hung up on me.
So yeah whatever I already know all of that and I'll hate myself more than he'll ever be disappointed in me but why the hell do I even care. So my options are: 1. Stay here, continue going to school, either get better grades or continue doing badly but it doesn't matter because regardless I will I guess have a degree and still fucking hate myself for the rest of my life and not be able to go into the field I want because no one gives a fuck or 2: move back to my mom's house and like become a neet or something since that's what he said.
So I just want to kill myself. I don't want to go to the hospital because obviously it doesn't help and I hate it in that environment. But then I guess my family will just be so sad that I killed myself. I don't really care anymore. I do not want to exist, I have never wanted to exist. Ever. I mean it. I think it's really shitty of "uncle" to tell me I can talk to him about this stuff and then do whatever this was. Like tough love I guess yippee. It doesn't work on me because I already was afraid to talk to you because I was afraid you would be mad and then you did get mad so guess I'm just that retarded.
Like I really will never be happy. No matter what I do. I've tried and I keep trying and I guess I'm just some asshole then, huh?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Really worried about being alone. Hello all. I’m a college freshman home for winter break. I’m feeling really alone. My old friend group from high school kinda grew away from me as I went to a different high school, so I’ve been seeing plenty of snaps and Facebook posts about them hanging out together and being really close but have never been invited or even reached out to. I was really close to church friends through my junior year but I basically vanished my senior year because my dad left my family, I had to work, and I had to get myself a scholarship to college (which I did). They’re all like a big family, and while they include me in stuff, I cannot escape the feeling that I’m just a guest there, not a member of that family.
I did get a full ride to William and Mary (I’m from Florida), which meant I go to school out of state, while most of them going to state schools. Most of them still see each other all the time and are super close, while I’ve had to start over. It kinda hurts to see my college friends hanging out with their friends from home and still being super close to them while I don’t really have that luxury.
There is one guy who I think I’ll be friends with the rest of my life. He was my best buddy in high school and we’re still really close. And my girlfriend, who goes to school in DC, is home too so I can see her. I’m grateful for them but wish I had a bigger friend group from home that I was still close to.
I’ve loved college, but haven’t really found a new best friend yet. I’ve still kinda struggled with feeling like an outsider and not really fitting in. I have plenty of surface friends, but I want a close, supportive friend group more than anything in the world, and I hope it’s not too late. Is it?
Can anyone relate to this? Is it weird to not be close with people from high school? How can I get rid of these feelings of loneliness and feeling like I’m a failure? How can I find what I’m looking for in college?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Conquered an anxiety fear this weekend First, I wanted to post this here because this might seem like a small win that's hardly notable to most people, but felt like a major victory to myself. I want to let you all know, that what I suffer from is generally fear of other peoples reactions, thoughts, etc. I'm a very outgoing person and I don't have issues actually speaking to strangers. However, I do not like being the center of attention in any way, shape or form. Accepting awards, public speaking... karaoke.
Anyway since the beginning of the year my daily mantra has been to stop sweating what I consider is "the small stuff" and just do what I want to do, more. This weekend, my amazing boyfriend and some friends met up to do karaoke. Something that normally requires liquid courage, and a little help from a few people to even get me singing something that resembles a whisper. My boyfriend wanted to sing Garth Brooks.... you know Friends in Low places. And I suddenly reminded myself of what I am striving for this year, new mental health and a positive outlet to just "go with it." I asked him if I could join in on this song, and surprised as he was handed me a second mic, gave me a look of "alright!" and we did it. Not only did we LIT ER ALLY nail it, I ended up dancing around getting the crowd engaged and hyped up. I've never been capable of something like this, and I'm still holding onto the feeling of renewed confidence in my ability to do things that literally make me want to die inside.
Point is; I've learned, if you think you can't, you CAN. If you think people care, they probably don't. I am really glad I have him to support and encourage, but very grateful that I am listening to my own advice for probably the first time in 28 years.
Would love to hear other peoples personal wins.
|
self.Anxiety
|
The ranked season just ended in league and now I have no reason to wake up [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I don’t know what i did but I’m sorry (part 2) I made a cake for your birthday because that’s what I️ do and I️ took it to work but you didn’t even appreciate it. You didn’t even take it home when you left... That was a huge blow to me. I️ don’t know why I’m continuing to try and get y’all back, i guess it’s obvious that y’all don’t see me the same anymore. Maybe it’s the person who y’all let live with y’all, it’s known that he doesn’t like me and i find it funny that he can never justify his reason for not liking me when asked about it. Nonetheless i treated him like any other person, with respect, because Of my morals and beliefs while he treated me like crap. In the back of my mind i think he’s telling y’all stuff about me but i know y’all know who i really i am and what type of person i am, or at least i would hope so.
Dark thoughts are starting to engulf my mind, i feel depressed, i just don’t know what i did to ruin this 11 year friendship. I miss y’all, i miss laughing with y’all and making jokes. I just don’t know what to do.
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self.offmychest
|
Intense CPTSD Flashbacks I can’t move. This happens every day, I have flashbacks so intense that I can’t move or think or even acknowledge that I’m a person. It’s excruciating and even though I have a good therapist and have been seeing some progress, I feel like it’s never going to end. And my brain gets so frozen I can’t read, all I can do is lie here going back and forth between wanting to hurt myself and feeling bad about how much that would hurt those close to me. And then before I know it another day has gone by and it just starts all over again.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
i think i'm cursed I feel like I'm cursed to see through people.
While there are these little rare pockets of beauty, almost all of the time, probably 99.9% of my life, I feel like I'm wading through this dense, disappointing, awful, blindingly dull swamp. For those rare wonderful people I know, I just want to tell them how much they matter in this world and how wonderful they are, but I always get such weird remarks or looks when I do that.
I feel like I'm TOO GOOD at reading people. I feel like I know just what people are thinking and what their ulterior motives are. It kind of depresses me, because almost all of my bleak outlooks and predictions have been right. There are very little surprises with people in my life. Most people really are just that petty and ugly deep down sometimes. I'd love to meet someone who was truly selfless.
I'm not terrified of never experiencing the act of sex itself. I'm terrified of never finding somebody who will understand me and love me for who I am.
I'm terrified that after 50 more years, I'll be left to die, alone, having never known another person who I could tell all of my secrets to, who I could trust my life to, who I could truly love, and who would truly understand me and the words that I mean and the things that I see.
That's why I keep living. That's the only reason I exist. To see all the beauty I can in the world. I suppose that's a good reason to live, but god damn... Life can be so fucking bleak sometimes. I guess I'm just going through a dry spell.
What is it everyone keeps saying? "Love finds you when you least expect it?"
It's hard to purposefully not look for love without completely losing hope in ever finding it.
|
self.offmychest
|
What do you guys do during long depressions (1+ month)? I'm so used to self-medicating, but trying to stop In hypomania, the last thing I need is drugs. But during depressions, when life and time becomes so slow and miserable, I've been prone to use stimulants/amphetamines to self-medicate my symptoms. I've been doing it so long, and I know how to do it safely, for the most part. Just enough to pick my mood and dopamine levels up to get through a 2-3 month depression.
I want to know, what the heck does one do during a depression? My threshold for suffering has been so weak, in regards to staying sober. I guess it would be humanly possible to stay clean, but it really really sucks sometimes. 1 depression in particular, 2 years ago where I stayed sober, bordered being traumatic, that I think I might even have some PTSD from that low state I was in.
I did not like sleeping 14 hours a day, calling the suicide hotline, DBSA members, and being so helpless for 3 months. But what else could I do?
|
self.bipolar
|
girlfriend's parent ruining the relationship I love my girlfriend alot and i know she does love me too. however it seems like her love for parents is even greater then ours as she is considering to leave me just cause her parents dont like interracial relationships. we both are asian but different kinds. im just crushed to know that she wants a temporary break on our relation to figure out her life. i mean come on its not just your life you are dealing with, its mine too. super bummed.
i know they say you gotta let her go to know if she really loves you. but this is bullshit. once you let her go she aint coming back. maybe she isnt the one after all.
well thanks for everything. and thank you guys for taking a time to read this.
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self.offmychest
|
I had to say what I refused to believe that was true I finally told you how rude and inconsiderate you are. I told you while I agree with you that I am broken and cannot be fixed that I don't need to be fixed. I told you I am a good person and that should be acknowledged. I stood up for myself. I let you walk all over me for the past year and yesterday I told you I have had enough. I should be proud of myself. I should feel good for putting my feelings first and instead I am still on the verge of crying. I got no pleasure out of saying something that I hoped would cause you some sort of pain. I cried writing it. I cried sending it and I cried myself to sleep. I wanted you to be something that you aren't and will never be to me. I am not the type of person who does things for themselves. I still hope in the cloud of everything you understand you left me with no choice.
*still crying*
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self.offmychest
|
Frontier airlines is the worst flight company I have ever dealt with Do they only have 2 planes? Tickets do not list dates, changing flights online is a nightmare. All the flight numbers and plane numbers are the same...so I'm wondering do they actually only have 2 planes?
|
self.offmychest
|
Anxiety causing nausea, lack of appetite, and panic attacks. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Is it normal for anxiety to go down when you're overly tired? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
a podcast that helps me feel a little better I listen to podcasts heavily. I need them to get through my work days and my commute because I need to be distracted all the time lest my anxiety get the best of my and I'm sent into a thought spiral or a panic attack. They're also great for sleeping when you need to plug in those earbuds and drown out sounds if you're hypersensitive to noise like me, but I digress. Anyhow, this is one that is good entertainment but also helps me feel a little better about suffering. It helps me realize no one is alone in suffering, and our pain is not that unique. It's not a misery pissing contest and can be funny and lighthearted about some very hard topics including mental illness. I'm not here pushing anything on anyone, just something that I like and that helps me a bit.
https://www.apmpodcasts.org/ttfa/
|
self.Anxiety
|
How do i stop feeling depressed? I know you cant just stop it but over the course of 2 and a half months ive developing it i am overvaluing the life of a 10 year old girl i dont know on the internet and devaluing my life. That means i think someones life on the YouTube comment section is better than mine and this makes me feel like my life is shit and that makes me sad.I know what you are going to think but i think im slowly developing depression thanks to this and i dont wanna be sad on my birthday How do i stop thinking like this? How do i stop thinking about this situation?
The weird part is i only saw this comment on a youtube video so that means i have no perspective whatsoever on this persons life.
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self.depression
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Need to get it out My girlfriend of 14years and I are breaking up.
We have two kids (7 and 3).
I'm a silent type of guy, and never really expressed my feelings in general. Always processed my own emotions in my head or waited for issues to fade away...
I'm not an outgoing guy, don't really like doing things, or traveling...
Just did my job, got home, helped out at home, talked about my day (and her's). Just humdrum stuff.
In the end, she and I never really were happy with our lives... Pretty much just confortable with our house, keeping company to each other, and taking care of the kids.
So splitting us isn't really a bad thing, but now, I'm scared, terrified... Of what's coming next.
I don't really have friends... Or they are far away... My family is also not really close and busy...
I'm scared of being alone... Having my kids every other week...
I don't really like my job, and don't have any skills to do anything else...
I'm starting a new project next week for which I have no knowledge... And the client is pretty demanding... Working 8h a day, adding to that 2.5h of transit... I don't know how I'll be able to take care of my kids, getting them to school in the morning, picking them up in the evenings before 7pm...
I know I'm surely not the only one juggling with such short schedules... But I just don't know how I'll manage it and it scares me...
And being alone, without anything to do... I don't have any hobbies... Except playing video games which I get tired of pretty fast lately...
Watching movies, shows gets very limited pretty fast as well...
I'm scared of not being able to bounce back...
Last time I was living alone was 14y ago... I had friends at the time...
She is, was, my first real girlfriend, the first I've slept with...
I just don't know how to go on...
I'm scared of telling my kids... I already feel they are sensing something is wrong...
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self.depression
|
I need to protect my brother, and my family. I need courage. Tomorrow I am at college. I will sit half of my Geography mock exam, then will leave early to be taken to a Child Protection meeting, then return and do the rest.
I was the one who got the meeting. Me, my mum, brother and sister and my family dog ran away to a refuge last year and lived there for 2 months. My dad was extremely abusive- psychological, financial, emotional and physical, the last one applying particularly to my brother. He is also high up in society- a popular Assistant Head at a secondary school in a nearby town. Our social worker couldn't believe he was capable of such acts so set about defending him almost immediately. All evidence given to her was promptly "lost" or "filed away".
To make matters worse, only me and my mum can testify the abuse we suffered. My brother is non-verbal autistic and my sister has Asperger's and finds it near impossible to talk to strangers- a fact the police did not consider and expected her to be able to function if we were marched through school to them, together but not allowed to talk or be interviewed together.
Anyway, the court date comes and goes last December. Me and my sister are removed from our dad and put in the custody of our mum, as she did manage to vocalise her love of our mum. A court order prohibited my dad from further harassing us through direct/indirect contact. My brother was another matter. As he was unable to verbalise the abuse he suffered, the social worker recommended shared care, which the court granted. My dad wanted full custody of us all, so he tried to punch the social worker and was escorted out. She later came round just before Christmas to apologise, but the damage was done. She left a few months later, part of the reason being my dad's constant harassment of her.
My brother is still with my dad and being abused. His medical needs are neglected and sustains injuries. My sister has 3 panic attacks daily from living with my dad and I suffer from PTSD.
In October I snapped. My dad had managed to clinch a national advert highlighting his "excellent" care of my brother- the video was full of lies and in one snippet shows my brother miles off in the distance unattended- which is very dangerous for him. I rang Childline in tears unsure what to do. They were very concerned and referred me to the NSPCC. I spent 5 hours in the phone that night.
They referred me to my town's local children's services and a designated officer to investigate my dad at work (he is also very racist, bullying and controlling). They decided they would have a meeting with all the professionals involved, to which the outcome was another meeting. The outcome of that was the Child Protection meeting, which is tomorrow.
I attended one last year and was treated like a toddler, despite being 16. We have a new social worker this year who seems more believing. This time around I am much more nervous and panicky. My school is sending my headteacher who also has an autistic son my brother's age. He is very like my dad (I had a flashback during one of his assemblies) and I'm worried.
I guess I decided to do this since I'm wishing for luck. I feel like everyone is depending on me to prove my dad is abusive, as he is now trying to say my mum is to us and wants me and my sister put in foster care if we won't live with him.
Thank you for reading, please leave a comment if you can :)
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self.offmychest
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You tried to destroy me and almost succeeded After hauling around a random shoebox filled with costume jewelry from the early 2000s when I was a teen I finally sorted through it giving pieces I no longer wanted to wear to my daughter. I also found a nondescript fast food receipt for October 2005, the month before my innocence was taken, my life forever changed by saying “yes I’ll go on a date with you”.
I was 19, I just graduated high school, was working a job at a movie theater and then my best guy friend introduced me to X. He was your typical ghetto gangster type except he was white. Wife beater khaki cargo pants timberland boots and the smell of Tommy cologne and cigarettes. For a preachers kid he was bad news. But I wanted love and someone to care about me, boy was I wrong.
I had just got my first color flip phone 200 minutes free nights and weekends plus I lived at home so I had the landline. It started out as “call when you get to work” into calling me repeatedly until I called him back. He was 6 states away doing construction all of November and part of December. But everyday I had to call him. I also had to tell him my schedule so he knew where I was at. I didn’t tell my parents I knew they would’ve told me no I was in the devils den and it was only beginning.
X came home 3 days before Christmas 2005, he had a suspended liscense due to dui charges. I the naive and downright stupid one let him drive my beater across town to pick up his last check from the company he worked for and took his friends kids out for a while. I was too blind to see how stupid I really was. Christmas came and went. I was getting deeper into trouble. Two nights before New Years this good girl went too far. On New Years Eve, being too trusting of others led to X spiking my non alcoholic drink with alcohol and getting me drunk-and he raped me. I was still a virgin and was planning on staying that way. I stayed longer than my midnight curfew-and somehow made it home spending who knows how long in the hot shower trying to get the smell of cigarettes and Tommy off of me. He called the next day and apologized for what he did-including the horrible names he called me. I took him back.
Two weeks later my parents fed up with me sneaking out, my defiant attitude, wondering where there good girl went decided enough was enough. I was in the remotest charm. They kicked me out. I lived out of a garbage bag at my best guy friends house. That night I took my first drink and my first cigarette. I had just lost my job a few days earlier. I hadn’t hit rock bottom yet. X started hurting me. At first it was a too sharp grab on my arm, or putting me in a headlock when he had too much to drink. I blamed myself. I thought it was my fault. My days went by like a blur. I would go to my college classes come home do some work then either go to the 18 or over club and of course they served us underage kids or we’d go back to X’s house or the guy I was staying with and get drunk. I was smoking bumming cigarettes off of whomever I could I had no money X was putting gas in my car so I could get to school, it was terrible. The good girl was no more. I lost track of January, and I did some stupid things. But X was getting meaner and after a punch to the face and waking up puking in a trash can with a massive hangover I saw my face in the mirror and wanted to go home. I wasn’t leaving X I wasn’t drinking anymore. Best guy friend brought me home reeking of nastiness and my mom embraced me and said she was sorry.
Less than a week later X was at my parents house putting on the pretty boy charm. I lived in the basement, and my friend T had decided to call me. As I was going down the flight of stairs X tripped me...my parents had no idea what was happening because I stupidly shut the basement door behind me which meant I wanted to be left alone. I was knocked unconscious hitting my head on the concrete floor. I woke up to X raping me yet again. He had started hitting me right after I moved home. I could hide it because it was winter with turtlenecks and sweaters. I didn’t know what rape was until years later I thought it was my fault.
This culminated to the worst night of my life-February 2006 toward the end of the month. X was drunk when I came over that night to see him. I wanted to confront him on allegations that he was cheating on me with someone I knew that I met through him. He went into a rage-beating me, choking me, kicking me with steel toed boots until my best guy friend heard me scream. All I remember is him running and then darkness. Best guy friend later told me I told him to take me home. All I remember are seeing street lights and knew I was finally safe.
Best guy friend stayed with me the whole night, cleaned up the blood and helped me to bed. My parents did not care, never told me to go to the hospital or to press charges or anything.
I went to my church asking for help, how to move on. I told best guy friend to tell X never mess with me again. I never saw him again even though we lived close. The one person and his wife I thought I could trust I found out I couldn’t. Within 2 days I was labeled as the preachers girl gone bad. Horrible names, that I drank and smoked. I left the church for 3 long years.
The legacy of X is still with me 12 years later. I met my husband forgave those that hurt me, returned to church-not my home church, and have since gone to therapy, and have moved on with my life. I still apologize over seemingly mindless stuff, get scared I’m going to get hit-even though my husband would never hurt a fly. He just looks scary because he has a huge beard. I developed severe anxiety and then what I knew all along bipolar disorder. I haven’t smoked in 3 years, I have quit several times since I was 19. I haven’t drank in almost 12 years. I want to educate my daughter the warning signs of a abuser, teach her what rape is and to let me know if she’s being hurt. My parents refuse to acknowledge what happened, they will not talk about it. Those in my life now (my family and I have moved several times) understand why I’m not conservative, why I know more about the real world and don’t try to change me. I still do not trust anyone with my stories of X. Except my husband and therapist.
He tried to kill me, instead he made me stronger and I’ve learned and grown up from my 4 months with X.
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self.offmychest
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Why won't people just leave you alone and back off Do you ever feel like people just use you because they can see all of your past successes shine through your face and are jealous that they haven't had the drive to make things happen for themselves? Yeah. It's difficult to understand why others are always trying to find out what moves you so that they can get underneath your skin with the little stuff they do to get them through their daily life. It's kind of pathetic when you actually consider the drive that's behind what some folks say. Why can't we all just live amongst peace and happiness and have the harmony that once was there? It's a shame that we have to fall back on gossiping and talking about others to feel good about ourselves. Learn to stand up for yourself and make your own decisions about the walk you walk. Anyone can talk shit and pretend like they have the forward momentum that they need in order to move onward towards the goals they yearn to achieve.
When I was younger, I had always dreamed of having a fancy car, a huge house, a trophy wife, a corporate job, and a family that would be there to comfort me when I felt down. I strived and worked hard for years to try to reach my dream future until I found out that love is all on the inside. It doesn't matter what you have or how you got to where you are now, what matters is how you treat people and how you make them feel when you're at your worst and they're at their best. The more you keep trying to change people and teach them the ways of everlasting peace, the less they want to change because they are so stuck in their ways, they don't have the capacity to consider your point of view and make the changes they need to make in order to get their act together. Lesson learned: once you find stable ground, don't let anyone pull your feet out from under you. After they get under your skin, it will be damn near impossible to recuperate and heal the damage that has been caused.
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self.offmychest
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Kind of a weird question My mom is bringing me something home from Arizona. I have two clues as to what it could be, and i will be getting one more every day. I have been pretty depressed lately and need something to take my mind off things. Hopefully you guys will help me figure this out. So here go the clues.
1. It isn’t metal
2. It’s something we’ve all lost (our family)
It should also be noted that i will “be amazed by this” We have until this Friday to figure it out. We had to put our dog down a few weeks ago and that has made everything worse for me. He was my only friend and the only one who I would talk to. He would lick up my tears every night after I cried for hours. Stuff has gotten worse since we put him down. I’m thinking it might be a new puppy, but are there many shelters in Arizona? And would it be worth it when there are plenty of adoptible dogs here in Ohio? Can you even ship a newborn puppy on a plane? Thanks for your help guys. Love you all.
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self.depression
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Completely self destructive anxiety causing me to not work or do anything Got offered a job and thought the girl training us was horrible, she made me feel inferior and anxious! So I didn’t show up the second day. I feel like I’m too anxious to work rn and my mental health is not in a good place for me to be in a work environment but I can’t afford bills, food or my psychologist. I cry in bed in the mornings then get up after forcing myself to. Does anyone know what I can do? Should I go into a clinic because I feel useless lying around at home while my partner slaves at work. How do I overcome it?
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self.Anxiety
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How do I help a friend who relies their life on their girlfriend? So I'm in school, and I have this friend who literally told me they'd kill themselves if their girlfriend dumped them.
Now, it's not like they have a shitty relationship or anything, it's just I know how unstable it can be to rely on only one person for your life, especially when it's a relationship, and even more so at our age.
Even a little bit ago, even though they were dating, they had a mental breakdown saying "Time for my 10 attempt!" and talking about how they thought they were ruining their parents' marriage.
I don't know what to do. When that happened, I tried my best to tell them that we loved them so much and that we'd miss them so much and wrote a list of people who loved them dearly in their journal. They ripped it out once they got home.
I don't know what to do to help them through something like this. If you feel like them, what would you like to hear, or what do you think would be best to say to help them?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Today was the worst day I've felt in 5 months. Saying that just made me realize I've been dealing with this shit for 5 whole months. I hope it doesn't happen again tomorrow. I hope it goes away in March like it has 3 years in a row.
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self.depression
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That moment when you realize that you hurt others too [deleted]
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self.depression
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Anyone else to anxious to go out for Halloween? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Does anybody else constantly feel like they're dying? I'm a 23 year old guy in Ireland who has been riddled with anxiety for five years. I'm pretty scared all the time despite extensive medical examinations never showing anything negative.
Does anybody else feel this way? Physical symptoms all the time that are psychosomatic?
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self.Anxiety
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I’ve reached the point in my life where I really need to pick a college, and it’s so scary and stressful to me. The three of my friends that are going to college are all going to separate ones, wanting to room with me. My girlfriend is going to another college, and I know she would like us going to the same school. Then I have the college my parents want me to go to, but I don’t fucking know what it is that I want to do. It’s such an important decision, it scares the hell out of me.
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self.offmychest
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i need some comforting I feel like death. the guy i've been dating just hurt me really bad. we were n bed when he tried to blame me on why we are not moving forward, by saying things like "i dont know if your family and friends will accept me" and all that. and i started crying. i had suspected that he had another girl, so i confronted him about it and he couldn't lie to my tears. turns out he is in a relationship before he even met me and i was the side chick all along. he admitted that he is manipulative, and i just felt that he intended to hurt me from the beginning. i've tried to end things with him twice and everytime he pulls me back. he even told me to stop dating other guys and i did. and it wasn't the first time i confronted him about other girls - but he insisted that she is his ex.
its been two days and i still feel so hurt. i feel like i'm not good enough that he chose another girl over me. he told me that the girl is a major part of his life now and that he has to stick with her since she knows his friends. i don't know how to deal with my hurt. i took a couple of valiums but i still didn't sleep. and i haven't slept for two days.
I've been diagnosed with dysthymia and i think its getting worse. i also deal with a lot of anxiety issues which messes with my sleep cycles. i have bromazepam, ambien, valium, and brintellix and a bunch of prozacs. i don't know how to feel right now and i've been contemplating just... taking all the medicine i have. i just feel like doing some drastic.
I'm a pretty lonely person - i dont have a huge social circle and i have not much people in my life that i can talk to about. the few that i've talked to, just tell me that that guy is a jerk and that it is him and not me. but all i'm getting from this is that i was not good enough for him that's why he is with some other girl. i need help and i'm not sure how i can deal with this hurt. i can't keep food down, and i can't sleep. and I'm in university dealing with finals week.
Thanks for reading through this. it means a lot to me since there's no one else i can talk to about this.
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self.depression
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I’m bored of everything I don’t feel motivated to do a lot of things recently. The things I am usually interested in are now boring and I don’t see the point in doing them. Also i don’t really have a particular hobby. My boyfriends hobby is playing his computer games, he never gets bored and can do it all day. When he does that I watch Netflix and I do enjoy it but watching tv isn’t a hobby... I want something I can do for hours but not get bored of, I can’t pay attention to something for a long time. I constantly feel tired and I don’t want to feel this way. I used to feel like this around 2 - 3 years ago and I don’t particularly want to slip back into that again. I want to pull myself out of it but I don’t know how and my boyfriend is becoming very stressed that I am becoming an agitated moody person. How do I get myself out of this? I don’t want to feel like this
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self.depression
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Mostly school specific Anxiety Most likely resulting from Childhood Bullying at a Boarding School I (28 M) am currently in an academically rigorous graduate program. I go to a very small commuter school in a small town. I moved here to go to school and as a result do not know anyone in the area. I have a hard time making friends at school because I tend to get very stiff every time I go to school, and I have a constant "fear" that someone is watching me and judging me and as a result, I tend to walk fast to and from class and avoid any eye-contact with anyone.
Few years ago, I started psychodynamic therapy to get help, because I have experienced this school specific anxiety/fear for as long as I can remember. I did the therapy for about 6 months, and learned that my childhood experience (grades 5th-7th) at a boarding school have contributed to this anxiety. Although the bulling culture was fairly common at that school, I was more sensitive to it, and as a result I got bullied more. Throughout my 3 years at the boarding school, I was complaining to my parents of being home sick. Finally, I left the school because I could not bear it anymore.
During and following those therapy sessions, I started meditation, which has helped me tremendously. Over the years, I have also studied psychology books to learn about habit formation and as a result, I have implemented a lot of healthy habits/routines in my life, which serve me well. I also exercise and I am physically healthy. In short, I have designed my life to better manage it.
However, the one thing that I feel completely powerless against is the school-specific anxiety that I feel which keeps me very stiff, robotic faced (without a smile and avoiding eye contact with anyone), and constant nervousness when I go to school. Generally speaking, I LOVE talking to people and have some deep friendships and genuinely enjoy having a deep conversation with someone. When I lived in a larger city, I have approached strangers (male and female) partly to challenge myself and also for a good conversation. However, in this small town, I cannot do such challenges primarily because I have to spend a lot of studying.
I have about 6 months of schooling remaining and I definitely plan on moving to a place where I can have more social connections afterwards. However, I want to address this fear. I would love to hear from anyone who might have experienced something similar and what helped you address this fear. Please note that since I have already been exploring this anxiety/fear for few years now, I am very familiar with some of the more well-known advice (that works to manage it) like meditation, exercise, routines, personal challenges, therapy, and such. These all have helped me a lot but as I said, the school-specific fear still lingers within. Also, please note that since I am in a small town, it has been hard for me to find therapists that could help me.
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self.Anxiety
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Irma So storms are a trigger for me and to be honest a hurricane is pretty much worse case scenario. Does anyone have tips on how to stay sane during this? I've already had to take a xanax just because the thought of it.
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self.bipolar
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How Do i Get family/friends to believe in me again? Hey everyone, I was diagnosed BP1 just about a year and a half ago. The first year was very difficult for me, as I struggled with accepting what I was going through and getting on a regiment of medication and therapy. I inevitably had to move back home after a period of hard drug use/drinking and driving myself into serious debt, after just graduating college and moving into my own place the previous year.
During my time at home, I was able to get a solid grasp on my disorder, and regain a lot of control in my life. I am still on medications and therapy, I have a solid daily routine and sleep schedule, I improved my position at work, started dating, and going to the gym again. I paid off the debt I had accrued, and now have the confidence in myself to go back on my own.
I moved out to my own apartment about a month ago after deciding it was time to leave my parent's house. I obviously still have days that are tough, but I know how to cope with them and am very proud of the progress I have made and recognize that there will always be room to improve moving forward with being bipolar. My problem is that I have noticed that all of my friends and family still treat me like my life is just going to crash and burn again. Everyone is so worried for me, and cautious about what they say when it comes to how I'm doing and the fact that I'm on my own again.
I understand where they're coming from, and why they are concerned, but I can't figure out how to convey to everyone that I am OK. It makes me feel like such a failure that no one in my life has any faith in me. I get so anxious that they all see something wrong with me that I can't recognize, and won't until it's too late. Is it just a matter of giving them more time? Should I say something? I could really use some opinions.
Thank you all so much
TL;DR:
Diagnosed BP1, moved homed after a hard crash and burn. On my own again, but no one has faith I can make it. Help please!
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self.bipolar
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There's no other option Warning: very long unorganized rant
You know that ugly loner at school who no one likes? The one who everyone knows will end up as a loser leeching off of her parents, living in their basement doing nothing but playing video games? That's me. I legitimately have no redeeming qualities. I'm lazy, slobby, ugly, I have no direction in life. Everyone knows this. My classmates scorn at me behind my back and my teachers dislike me.
I tried to change. I wanted to work hard, to study and get good grades. My parents are always so supportive of me. Every hobby I tried to start, every toy I wanted, they handed to me, even though I never deserved it. I asked them to help me focus on fixing my bad habits (playing on my phone too much) and establish better study habits and work ethic in me. We set schedules and created plans. They are so supportive of me. None of it worked. Every time I try to sit down and do work, I just don't. And when I finally do, I give up after 20 minutes and just lie in my bed for hours. Mostly, I dick around on Youtube. I just can't work. I'm a lazy, selfish loser who can't do shit. I'm so lucky to be raised in a stable, middle-class family, in a fantastic neighbourhood and good school, and I've done shit. I'm just one of those people who are good at nothing but failing.
When it isn't a school day, I will stay in bed until noon. I just can't get up. What's the point of getting up when there's nothing to live for? The only reason I get up on these days is because I have to make lunch for my little sister and feed the dog. If I lived alone, I could probably just rot in bed forever and ever.
I have no hobbies. No interests. No goals. Everyone I know at school at least has some idea of what they want to do. Everyone does some sport, some activity, volunteering, has a job. I'm literally the only person who does nothing. I can't commit. My mom signed me up for a volunteering group - I quit, because I was bored and lazy. I wanted to try learning the guitar - my parents bought my a guitar, I stopped after two weeks. I wanted to do voice acting - my parents bought a microphone, I managed to actually land some roles, but those projects were cancelled and I just couldn't pick it up ever since. Even so, that was years ago. For all of 2017, I haven't picked up any hobbies or interests. I'm just so boring. I have no personality.
My resume is shit. My grades and EC's - all shit. No college wants me. I'm an out-of-shape, stupid girl - I can't even go to trades or the military. My life path is a dead-end.
I have no social skills and I'm ugly. I can feel people getting weirded out by me every time I talk to them. I can feel teachers getting uncomfortable talking to me (one has brought this up to my parents in parent-teacher interviews). I'm so unorganized and awkward whenever I talk and I stutter all the time. I don't have a stutter. I don't have Aspergers or anything. I'm just that bad at socializing. As a result, I have no friends.
I just have no future. I just can't see myself going anywhere. Nothing can fix my bad habits or my social skills. Even my parents; they want the best for me, but I just don't deserve it. My dad has (finally) grown tired of me. He knows I have depression and he also suspects that I am nothing but a loser. Yet he still shows me love. He confuses me. One moment he's telling me I'm a loser, the next he tells me that he loves me so much and he wants the best for me. My mom thinks I am such a hard working little angel. She'll see me lying facedown on my bed doing nothing and assume that I am tired from working so much. I don't deserve them. I'm an asshole to my sister too. I'm an incredibly cranky jerk and anytime she tries to show me affection, I push her away. I'm really mean to her. If she had reddit, she'd probably write about me in r/raisedbynarcissists or something. Yeah. When trying to talk to someone about depression and stuff, you naturally assume they are some poor, misguided soul who needs love and deserves to be happy or whatever. I'm a legitimately bad person. I'm everything everyone hates. You hate bullies? I'm a bully to my sister. You hate lazy leeches who are going nowhere in life. That's me. You probably know someone like me, and you probably thought at some point that people like me don't deserve to live. I know I thought that about others before. Or maybe it's just me, because I'm so fucking horrible. See, I'm so fucking selfish as well. Here I am talking about how I BULLY my sister, and I manage to make it all about ME and how I am the one suffering.
I'm sorry. Those paragraphs must have been a chore to read, because it's nothing but just me dumping on myself. I don't want to just write something like "there's nothing in life for me, there's no hope, I want to die" and hear some bullshit like "you're so young, try something new, get support from you parents! "exercise, pick up a hobby." "It'll get better, you have so much ahead of you." "You're underestimating yourself, you probably have some good qualities you're overlooking" or whatever. I want you to fully know my situation - that there is no future ahead of me and I need to end my life so I can stop suffering and hurting everyone around me.
It's funny - being a girl, I have the privilege of having some classmates pretend to care about me when I say I'm depressed (let's face it - if I was a boy, no one would even pretend to give a shit). But they don't understand. They'll message me asking if I'm okay and I tell them I'm not. They just say some stuff like, "Don't worry! You're so smart and nice blah blah blah what are you talking bout! You have such a bright future!" They don't understand. No one understands. Here I am, born into a loving, financially stable home, and I'm doing jackshit with it. I'm just wasting my life away. These people who tell me everything's gonna be okay - they're straight A, club leader, varsity sports, honours students. They can't understand.
I've set up a noose. I'm actually really proud of myself for actually doing something productive for once. Isn't that fucking messed up? I'm proud of myself for creating a simple noose, something anyone could do if they tried. There isn't a day goes by where I don't wish that I did this earlier, and I know in the future, wherever slum-hole I've ended up in, I wish I did this earlier. So I'm finally gonna do it.
I don't even know why I posted here. Do I have some sort of internal hope that someone will know the right thing to say to drag me out of this? Yet I already know there's nothing anyone can say, and I'd lost all hope in myself a long time ago. I don't think anyone will even comment. You can't say bullshit like "it will get better" or anything like that because you know that it won't work on me, and it doesn't apply to me. Probably some other people got turned off by my post, because they, like me, truly believe that there really is no hope for me, and because I'm a fucking BULLY and a FUCKING LOSER and not the typical depressed OP who just needs love and time. I'm legitimately a person who most people would agree deserves to die. I notice that posters on this sub who get worthwhile replies are people who actually deserve to live. And then there's me. What can you say about someone is actually legitimately worthless and hopeless? I've seen past posts before where people try to cheer up the OP and the OP replies shutting down everything the commenter says and OP is just too hopeless, and the commenter eventually gets mad and annoyed with them. I think I'm probably going to receive similar comments on this post.
I've also had people get mad at me when I try to tell them how I feel. "Your problem is that you are so negative, that's why you have no friends and are never successful. You need to start thinking positive." -Dad "No one wants to hear you constantly whine about your problems. Maybe that's why people don't talk to you." -Facebook friend who messaged me, "Are you ok?" I'm just so damn hopeless and I've been faced with rejection my whole life. I'm worthless.
To anyone who actually read this far, sorry for putting you through all that. I really needed to vent and I don't really expect anyone to read through all this. I just wanted it out there, even if no one cares.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What pushed you to pursue medical attention? I'm too scared to go to a doctor or anything and i want to know how you got the courage to seek help.
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self.depression
|
Fuck man. Ugh not exactly suicidal at the moment, more like passively, wouldn't give a shit if a car hit me etc. etc. Iv'e been trying to get out more and work harder but i still don't fucking see the point you know, like we're all gonna die blah blah blah all that shite. I'm just tired of this internal battle in my head, always having that voice asking if it's worth doing this and that when in the end it's going to amount to sweet fuck all. All i wanna do right now is forget about everything, us humans are too bloody smart for our own good, i wish we didn't have consciousness. Gonna smoke some sweet mary jane and fly away for a little while, then it's back to this shite existence, ugh. Don't even know why i'm writing this lolololol
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self.depression
|
Today I cleaned up and went out for the first time in a while... I really wish our appearance changed depending on how good and loving we are as humans instead of being determined by genetic lottery. These days if I even have the strength to get out of bed, when I leave the house I'm unshowered, unshaved, and I wear sweatpants and a hoodie with the hood up at all times even if I look crazy. People might give me a weird glance or two but they know I don't want to be bothered and let me do my thing. It's freeing being invisible.
Today I had the strength to try to look decent. I decided to shave, do my hair, wear less baggy clothes, and put some makeup on. I knew doing this would bring me from a 3 out of 10 to a 5.5 out of 10. Looking better made me feel better, but I hate what it does to other people's perception of me. People noticed me and didn't look away. People smiled at me. I was approached for random conversation. They went out of their way to help me. Things no one did when I was a 3.
I didn't like this at all.
The worst part was, I felt like I was pressured to be nice to them. I felt people expected me to be nice just because I looked like I put effort into my appearance. (Look up the "Halo Effect," where the more attractive a person was, the more others estimated how successful they were in other areas such as personality and talent.) It was as if, if I didn't smile at them or act a certain way I was betraying their trust in who they thought I was/should be or something. It's like suddenly I was thrust into the spotlight of the "normal" world. I couldn't be me anymore. It was like I was a Sims character or a puppet expected to play a role. When I had my hoodie, there were no expectations of me. I was safe and hidden.
Although I was smiling sweetly on the outside, I was seething angry on the inside. Where were these people when I looked like an unwashed hobo? Why am I expected to "perform" these niceties and prove my humanity for them?
I was angry for having advantages over people who couldn't control certain parts of their appearance besides trying to be healthy, hygiene, and makeup. There are people with horrible disfigurements out there. Amputees. Handicapped people. Cancer survivors. Accident survivors. People just born with "conventionally unattractive" features. They're hidden away and shunned from society while celebrities are celebrated for...being physically attractive. that's it. At least 75% of it. What about all the doctors, nurses, teachers, and firemen who look homely but don't get nearly as much celebration?
I was angry at how much importance appearance was to people. Would these people be half this decent to me if they saw what a miserable mess I was at home, when I normally look like a yeti? I was angry at the people who are better looking and take full advantage over it. I was angry at people who don't even realize how unfair this world is just because of physical appearance. I was angry at my own biases that I know I have. I just hate how shallow this world is. Why is my worth as a human determined by how I look?
I want people to see my HEART and who I am on the inside. I take care of some cats who come to me whether I haven't showered in weeks or if I look cleaned up. I hate how so much of life is determined by something we only have so much control over. People can be complete jerks but that's overlooked because they're only outwardly beautiful. I wish our physical appearance reflected who we are on the inside and changed depending on how loving we were as humans. If you were a terrible human, your appearance would suffer. If you do good, you'd look better. That would be an incentive for people to do good and we'd actually have full control over appearance instead of a lottery that rewords people born.
Sorry for the rant. Maybe I shoudn't be complaining and be grateful, there are people worse off. One thing is for sure, it's almost hilarious how unfair life is.
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self.depression
|
I might just end it I don't know why I feel the way I do.I have now been on meds for a month and they helped at first, but am now right where I started. I'm contemplating just downing every pill that i have in my possession, go to sleep, then hope I don't wake up.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Panic attack I used to get daily panic attacks, lasting for about an hour or less, but recently after a couple of years of medication, therapy, and meditation, I typically only get one per week. But tonight I just experienced a nearly 3 hour long episode, I've tried everything to help me get through them, regular breathing, yoga poses, deep breathing, mediation, or showers, cold showers, medication, marijuana, drinking water/alcohol/tea/coffee/soda and nothing has helped, the only thing that got close to helping was cannabis, it would shorten each episode to about 30 minutes, but tonight I was about to call someone to come help, but I wouldn't know how anyone could help. Does anyone have any advice?
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self.depression
|
I just wait for people to leave now. I graduated highschool last year. Everyone left for college did their own thing. I only talk to maybe one person out of everyone I was friends with. During most of my life in highschool I was in a relationship. I didn't realize how much this would bite me in the ass later. I never really got close to other people only close enough to call them a friend. I also didn't care that I wasn't close to people because I was in a relationship. He was the only one I ever truly let in and when he broke up with me I didn't know who to talk to or if I even should try talk to anyone. They're out living their lives making a bunch of friends and memories I would just be an inconvenience and it would look weird to suddenly want to be close to them right? That was my thought process anyway. But, even when I was in a relationship I would still just wait and watch people leave my life. I fucked up sometimes and some people left me which is fine I was okay with it. It still hurt and I fought for it. But you can only fight for so long. I hate it when people leave No one ever sticks around. Not a single one. The only reason they would stick around would be because I'm trying to kill myself.
Is anyone else playing the waiting game with me?
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self.depression
|
Struggling after the holidays I'm always depressed but the holidays have made it really worse... I'm a 34 year old fat nerd virgin who has never had a gf or even kissed a girl... I look back at last year and think that despite really trying I did not accomplish anything... I look at this year and I don't see any chance of me making any improvements... it's not unwillingness to try I just feel hopeless I don't think there's any chance left for me to find love and I can't learn to stop wanting it so much... so all that it's left is for me to keep on going day after day feeling worse and worse...... I don't know what to do with my life...
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self.depression
|
Does anyone else freak out about potentially harmful chemicals? Does anyone else freak out about potentially harmful chemicals?
I live with someone who uses bleach a lot and I pretty much freak out whenever he does (I have OCD and GAD), especially when the smell is extremely strong and I begin coughing, I usually have to go outside.
Here are some thoughts that go through my head.
"What if he didn't wash his hands after touching the bleach container and some found its way onto other things he touches (door knobs, sink handle, silverware, dishes, etc.). What if I touched those things without knowing and then rubbed my eye?"
"Will the smell of bleach cause permanent damage to my throat, nose, lungs, eyes, etc."
I just feel generally uncomfortable being in a room where bleach was just recently used, or when around any chemical that can easily be harmful. Surely these worries are all irrational?
Any advice / suggestions to calm my nerves? Anyone can relate?
Thanks! (:
Happy (almost) Thanksgiving!
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self.Anxiety
|
I am afraid to take part in social media I have very little social media presence which I think stems from a fear of rejection. I have a facebook account which I don't use and I've been lurking reddit for years. I'm not looking for anything in particular from /r/anxiety. I just wanted to post something to see how it makes me feel. Thanks.
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self.Anxiety
|
Drinking and smoking alone, again. Like everyday. My routine is the same. Wake up just to try to at least be numb again. There's nothing more.
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self.depression
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How do I gain the mental fortitude to do things anymore? I woke up early this morning in order to do research and perform a workout but ended up breaking down and crying instead. I feel like I’m slowly losing the mental fortitude to do most tasks that would supposedly “improve” my wellbeing. Does anyone know how I’m supposed to break through this. Every single thing I do is accompanied with a bad memory or thought that just discourages me from doing it and sends me into a depressed state. Please help me, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to do things anymore.
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self.depression
|
Does anyone else daydream about a shooter killing them at work? Work is so dull. My mind wanders off and I think about how nice it would be if a robber or maniac walked in and shot me in the head. I once had a coworker ask me why I was smiling when I was having one of these daydreams. Maybe my boyfriend and parents wouldn't blame themselves so much if my death were caused by some other unpreventable force, and I wouldn't have a chance to get cold feet...
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self.depression
|
I can't take it. I'm going to be a baby. I'm going to be childish and ignore my feelings of self doubt and fear..right now it seriously doesn't matter to me... I've been depressed since third grade and I've always had trouble with letters. Numbers. Sexuallity. I still struggle with all of them. My life is going no where honestly I think my life ended long before it began..I can't do this anymore I'm tired every day I wake up look myself in the mirror and scream. I hate everything about myself to the ugly scars on my wrist to my shit personality...I'm not remotely girly. Never fallen in love. Can't seem to keep friends. Not Even GOING to school right now for a 17 year old I've already fucked. Up. My life. Why. Why should I keep living when I'm broken and my family has to pick up the pierces. Wouldn't it be so much easier if I dissapeared? Because I am so tired. Everything I ever cared about...is gone after all. Ruined. Turned to fucking shit. DEAD! ...that's all I have to say
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self.depression
|
I'm so lonely I could die If you were to look at me or talk to me for a little bit you'd probably think I'm pretty normal. I have good friends, good grades, a nice family, and a pretty nice personality. But no. That's not me. 24/7 my head is filled with anxious, stressful possible situations that could happen to me. I always think about death, how meaningless life really is, and what the point of everything really is. I feel so... lonely. So lonely it hurts. Talking to friends isn't enough. Talking to family isn't enough. At home I just stay in my room, isolated while my family is downstairs. I'm so lonely I want a girlfriend. I want to be loved. I want to feel a connection with someone. My last relationship was absolute shit. We barely talked and it didn't last very long. And now all I want is to not be lonely anymore, to not have to be by myself when I'm feeling lonely. Sometimes I watch anime. And recently, a lot of romance anime, hoping it would help distract me from my loneliness. But it did the opposite. Now whenever I see, for example, couples or movies with romance I get this feeling of sadness, emptiness, frustration, stress, anxiety, and depression all mixed together. It's the worst feeling I've ever felt, and I feel it so often I want to die. I don't want to kill myself, I just want to die, but not by my own hands. I just don't see any light at the end of this never ending tunnel I'm in.
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self.depression
|
Where are all the environmentalists? I work in the environmental sector and I'm losing my mind. I've been in the field for 10 years across 2 companies and have yet to meet someone else who gives a damn. More specifically air quality for gas/oil/chem plants. My job is to ensure that sites meet environmental compliance. I started off as a tech walking around looking for leaks with a sniffing device and writing them up to get fixed. Now I audit sites entire air quality program. I do a lot of consultation, database management, and field work. When I first started I was the only tech who took it upon himself to actually read the regulations and find out exactly why we do what we do. After understanding things, I could see the sense it made and truly believe industry and the environment could co exist. The problem is nobody anywhere actually does what they are suppose to. Now that I travel the country, everywhere I go is just so fucked up, it wasn't just the places I started at. I find hundred of problems with their programs everywhere I go, and I bring it up to the right personnel in order to enact change, but nothing changes.. they just keep doing things incorrectly. From pencil whipping imprtant forms, to falsifying information in their databases, to improper training for the technicians... it's so fucken bad. Some sites are so blatantly wrong it's just.. how the fuck does everyone get away with it. Well I know how they get away with it honestly. They hire techs that don't know shit, train them incorrectly and when shit hits the fan they just blame the techs for not doing it right. They keep pay low and so turnover is high because the work is hard. This makes me the bad guy, and I'm in constant fear of losing my job because I'm the only one looking straight at the problems and bringing them up for fixing rather than pretending they don't exist and just keeping the bottom line nice and strong. Where are all these people that I keep hearing about that care about the environment? Why aren't you getting these jobs? This is literally the front line in environmental. It doesn't matter what regulations get rolled out if the people enforcing them don't give a fuck about them. Ugh I really feel helpless and constantly stressed out, every new site I go to its just a matter of how hard will I have to work in order to fix problem X, when problems A through W exist and I'm being told to just do what I can. So I just wind up pissing everyone off because I have to force them to do their jobs so I can do mine, which leads to me just getting blackballed for being the only one who cares how fucked our environmental infrastructure is... I could rant forever I'm forcing myself to stop. Ill leave you with this: It doesn't matter how many politicians and scientists enact some shit because they find out its bad, if the $15 an hour tech who is the first line in that field doesn't do his job right, and the management is ok with his ignorance, than everything you fought for to clean up this rock we live on is for nothing.
Tldr: the entire industrial sector is fucked up from an environmental standpoint and I'm slowly killing myself being the only one who actually tries to enforce the regulations.
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self.offmychest
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Tears burning my face My tears are burning really badly on my skin because of the medics for my horrible acne that is slightly less horrible if I drink a ton of water diet work out and wash my face 2-3 times a day and use prescription face wash
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self.depression
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whats the most painless way to die other than a gun? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Sick of begging my mom for money for the house Ok, so I live in a very expensive area of the USA, possibly THE most expensive part of the USA. Ok, it's Silicon Valley. Maybe NYC is more expensive though. Anyways, I used to live in a beach town and I wasn't working but then I met my boyfriend and I moved here to be with him I got a full time job. Then I quit my job and went to school, I had a huge manic episode, and now I'm doing Lyft and Uber. My doctor said I shouldn't work more than 20 hours per week, and I am in the process of getting SSI so I don't want to work too much anyways.
But I'm just experiencing HUGE stress today because my mortgage is due this month and I don't have the money to pay it. I don't even live in my house though which is the kicker, even though my boyfriend has asked me to move back in, I live with my mom now since I got out of the hospital.
Long story short, the mortgage is due, my mom is sick of paying it, she says my boyfriend should get a room mate, he says he would rather sell it than get a roommate, he says I should move back in, I don't want to move back in, I hate begging my mom for money.
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self.bipolar
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It doesn't seem like it will ever get better I hate myself.
I have severe social anxiety. I've had it my entire life, and it feels like it's held me back from everything productive I've ever wanted to do and it's caused me to feel like I'm a burden on everyone in my life. The only time I feel even remotely good about anything is when I distract myself with music, video games, YouTube, movies, and precious few other things. If I didn't have access to those, I don't know if I'd have made it even close to this far or if I'd be able to continue going, and knowing that makes me feel even more fragile and weak.
I have absolutely nobody I feel comfortable talking to about this; I either think that the person I'd talk to wouldn't care or wouldn't understand, not to mention the crushing fear that they'd judge me for what I'd tell them. It's hard to even express myself anonymously over the internet. I spend pathetic amounts of time thinking over and double-checking anything I post, and 90% of the time I pussy out of it in the end, even when it's something incredibly mundane and unimportant. It's probably been weeks since I first started writing this to the time I actually post it anywhere.
It's gotten to a point where I'd sacrifice limbs just to never have these thoughts ever again, or even just a little while to see what it would be like. I don't think I'm suicidal but I find myself involuntarily thinking more and more frequently that the only way I'd ever be free of this nightmare is for it to all be over. It's only ever gotten worse, and lately it's done so exponentially as I feel more and more like a useless leech, causing people to judge me more harshly and resulting in me being even more self-conscious and even less functional.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
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self.depression
|
Is this a weird way of getting a number?? Last week I did a group surf lesson and started talking to this chick. After the lesson was finished we were walking to the cars and she's asked for my number and happily gave it too her. Stupid me being clueless and flowy, I didn't ask for her number. She said she would text me next time she visits my city (which she grew up in) but I was interestdd in meeting up with her again before she leaves next week.
Would it be weird of me to ring the surf lesson company and see if they'll give me her number if I provide a name?
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self.offmychest
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I need some knowledge dropped upon me, if you please. Hi folks! I'm a lurker around here but I really respect this community and I was hoping I could get some information.
I've been on lithium and cymbalta for about four months now (I was previously on prozac but that just wasn't hitting the spot).
Well, that wasn't working very well either. I knew this because I was obviously cycling and either my house was haunted or I was having hallucinations.
So, now my wonderful shrink has added latuda to my chemical cocktail.
What can I expect for this addition? Good or bad. The internet says one thing, she says another. I was hoping you guys would be kind enough to give me some insight.
Thanks!
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self.bipolar
|
Whenever things get worse, it reflects on my room? I'm currently a first year biology student in college and my grades aren't looking so hot right now. It looks like I'll be ending this quarter with a really low GPA unfortunately. Anyway, when more stress gets added on to my plate, I find that it reflects upon my room. The worse my depression gets, the messier my room gets as well. I just got back to my room after not being there all weekend and it was a mess. My comforter was on the floor and my trash and clothes were scattered on my side of the room (I have one roommate). I have leftover food rotting in my fridge and empty bottles of drinks I should have thrown out a long time ago. I feel really awful and embarrassed because ppl do come into my room and comment on the mess I made. But I have no energy to pick up after myself. Has anyone dealt with a similar situation?
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self.depression
|
Has clonazepam helped you or given you negative side effects? I have just started two medications I was first given Zoloft for the anxiety and prescribed clonazepam for a month to balance out the Zoloft side effects. I have noticed the clonazepam makes everything worse. I turn into a high lead lump and feel suicidal. I was talking to a friend at the time and feel so bad that I put all of the information on him..especially since I have harsh feelings for him, but at that moment I was actually scared. I wanted to grab the whole bottle and down them it was bad..thank gosh at that moment I was a lead lump that couldn't move to get the bottle.
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self.Anxiety
|
Afraid we are going to break up :(( My bf was sexually assaulted by a photographer that was friends with my family. When we found out, we completely supported my bf and immediately cut ties with the assaulter. We encouraged him to report him to the police and he did. It’s been about a month and he seemed to be dealing with it really well. Don’t really talk it about it too much anymore. We’ve been dating for 3 years and we have a fantastic relationship but this took a huge toll on us. He said my family and I remind him too much of everything. Seemed like a light was switched off and now he went from being super loving to me, to very distant in a matter of a few days. Don’t know what to do.. :((( I’m so devastated. Wish I knew how to help him through this. I know I can’t imagine what he’s going through. Just want to help him so bad..
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self.offmychest
|
Anyone else have crippling anxiety when it comes to dating, that you avoid it altogether? 25/F here. Recently started talking to a mutual friend and he asked me out. It’s like the moment he asked me out, all my physical anxiety symptoms came. I get so sick to my stomach, my heart palpitates, I just want to back out of it. I’ve avoided dating a lot, but I’ve always been interested in it.
I mean, I want to get married one day and have kids. If I can’t even go on a first date with someone, how is that ever going to happen!
I have been on dates before, and the more the dates, the worse the anxiety. People think it gets better the more you see them, but for me it gets worse! I think partly intimacy is intimidating to me and partly I hate the unknown.
Just curious if anyone else is like this with anxiety? It’s like I want to date. I hate when people are like “just do it! You might like him!” If I could just do it - I would - trust me!!
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self.Anxiety
|
Suicide is creeping Eternal nothingness does not sound bad at all. I know something is wrong with my brain and I'm not convinced my life will be anything more than a sad lonesome struggle. I can see many things that may have caused me to get to this point. There is a lot of anger in me towards people who don't deal with this and take it for granted. I'm not interested in hurting anyone else though. I just wish it didn't have to seem like they won. I know these beliefs won't be accepted but I've just been trying to change for so long. And as time goes on that natural instinct to not put a gun up to my head fades. The fact that I made this post spilling out my personal ideas is just proof to myself that I've past a point of going back to how I've been my whole life. Something has to change soon, whether it's good or bad.
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self.depression
|
Helping my wife Hey guys, I need some help. Let me start by saying I absolutely adore my wife. She means everything to me. She can make me feel indestructible, and makes me a better man. She is beautiful, smart, and so much more than I deserve. I could not live without her. She is bipolar and we have our ups and downs, but we persevere. As of late things seems to be particularly volatile. A constant change in her medication (to find out what works for her), change of jobs, a newer house (4 years old) that we found out has major foundation problems, and just the punches that come with everyday life all culminate to the weight we have bear. Sometimes I feel powerless that I can not help her. It makes me feel useless. Today she freaked out on me because I washed the dishes....I know it's the illness, but I never know what to expect. I try to be the protector. I hold strong and weather the storm. I try to remain unaffected by what she says and her actions during the episodes, unfortunately sometimes I let it get me down. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells all day as not to trigger her. Sometimes it seems she is looking for a reason to start a fight. I know jealousy plays a role. When I make music, play my games, or enjoy a hobby of mine, I can feel scorn glaring at me. I think a lot of this has to do with her own lost passions. She is an amazing artist and aspiring author, but I can't say the last time I've seen her draw/write. This leads me to basically just sit in boredom, or makes me a cheerleader for whatever activity she is doing. This makes me feel detached, not from her but from myself. It's like always wearing a mask. I have to be the rock and not show weakness but inside I am shattered. When it gets bad, the only thing I can do is lay with her and embrace her. Her tears run as I whisper in her ear that I need her. She shakes her head no. I reassure her that it can't rain all the time, and together nothing is insurmountable. She disagrees and says it's pointless. She threatens suicide and my heart sinks. This is the hardest part, to be with her and not being able to console the only one that gives my life meaning. I am left hollow, dawning a fake smile and imprisoning my own demons until I'm alone and find a way to cope. Please advise on what I should do. I try to look for the good of it, the happy times. I do everything I can so she can lean on me when she needs. She is the love of my life and is my everything.
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self.bipolar
|
Massive Anxiety/Panic Attacks Hi, I am having a massive anxiety attack right now. I can barely move.
I recently opened up to a friend, which whom I continued talking to on a weekly basis. I was able to take down the protective wall I've built around myself and now I feel exposed to every fear I have. I don't know how to deal with it. Usually it went away, but this one right now is brutal. I'm in bed and can barely move.
Was opening up a mistake? This feels like shock therapy
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self.Anxiety
|
Is extreme apathy and feeling like I have insane amounts of energy a sign that I might be bipolar? It usually lasts for less than 8 hours at a time
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self.bipolar
|
Feeling suicidal again after 7 years I’ve been thinking of suicide a lot lately. I had attempted a very pathetic attempt at killing myself when I was 18. Since then, I have graduated, moved out of my hometown and now even my country. I think I have again reached that low point in my life when suicide seems the only escape. I’m more afraid cuz I know what my parents went through last time. But it’s been 7 years I’ve moved out and only see them once a year. My mom and brother don’t even talk to me (just general out-of-touch and no hard feelings). It’s like I’m not even a part of their lives anymore. I’ve never had any guy actually loving me or wanting to be with me. My longest relationship has lasted a little more than a year. I’m very mediocre at my job and although I’ve tried, I still remain socially awkward. I got rejected by all the universities I’ve applied to for my masters. I’m stuck in a country where I have no friends for almost 3 years now. Eventually, it all boils down to self-loathing and the feeling that I’ll never be good enough for anything or anyone. I’m tired of trying and tired of people judging me and tired of having to prove myself. I’m not a great writer and maybe I don’t care that much to actually explain what I’m going through. I’ve been sleeping a lot and don’t want the sun to come up. I hate having to wake up, go to work, smile at everyone and act like everything is normal. I hate being so weak that I don’t deserve to live.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
16 is a sad age to be doing this shit so late [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS ME HERE IS THE PAIN OF OTHER Please help me though the night before I hurt the ones I’m close enough to care about
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self.SuicideWatch
|
So I was just Diagnosed. Hi all, thanks for reading. I'm a 27yo woman, and all of my life I've been diagnosed as having Major Depressive Disorder and severe Generalized Anxiety disorder. After 15 years of the meds game, counseling, diet and lifestyle changes, it still wasn't getting better. I moved to a new city recently and started going to a new doctor, who asked a bunch of interesting questions and then explained that to her, it seems like bipolar disorder, but with the mania manifesting as anxiety rather than euphoric energy, etc.
It makes so much sense to me.
She started me on a low dose mood stabilizer until I can get in with the psychiatrist, so we'll see how this goes. I'd like so say I'm hopeful, but the depressed side of me doesn't believe in the concept of Hope anymore, so idk what to think, or how to process all of this. Any suggestions for good reading, or questions I should be asking, personal stories, anything would help. Thanks so much.
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self.bipolar
|
Work Accommodation? X-post from r/bipolar
I'm BP2 and my normal state of mood is pretty depressed. About a year ago (before my BP diagnosis) I told my manager I was having a hard time ansb asked my manager to not schedule all my shifts in a row, if possible not more than 2 days though I eventually said I'd be okay with 3 in a row. I'm part time and have asked for a max of 32 hrs/week and to please not mix day and afternoon shifts (the weird sleep schedule from that has made me hypo in the past).
While she is generally fairly good at accommodating that, there's enough weeks like this one where every request is ignored. I work 4 days in a row, have a single day shift thrown in and work 37 hours. And I'm dreading it and know it will lead to a break down.
I understand it's hard for some people to realize that mental illness they can't see has a hunge impact on my ability to work. If any of you have been in a similar situation, how did you deal with it? How did you get them to take your mental health seriously?
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self.bipolar
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To all the people I've ever loved.... Thank you. [removed]
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self.depression
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Ideas for coping with irrational/Paranoid Thoughts Hey, everyone! I made a similar post yesterday, but included some super long stories that probably made my post difficult to read. I was wondering if anyone else had a problem with not being able to shake paranoid and irrational thoughts. For example, I'll submit an assignment, and then I'll start to worry that I didn't really submit that assignment and have to go double check a thousand times. This is just one small example, but it happens pretty often. A lot of times I rely on asking my friends to verify that I'm being irrational, but I want to be able to handle it myself without always putting the burden on them. Any advice?
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self.Anxiety
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Birthdays are the hardest time for me Every year relatives call me and every year same old convo. Anyone special in your life? Any closer to getting married. And I know it stupid but it kills me every time. Because I'm not and every year I reflect on spending another year of existence alone and only have another year of loneliness to look forward to. I've tried to immerse myself in hobbies like movies. Focus all my energy on school or working out but I guess some voids are too large to fill.
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self.depression
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Why I will kill myself eventually This is half of a cry for help and half of just a vent of why I will probably kill myself.
First, I don't really have a lot to live for. I know that people could come up with amazing reasons as to why to continue living like "tommorow is another adventure" or that "it gets better". Well, I have to respectfully disagree. I don't think that it gets better for some people. I will concede that some people it does indeed get better, but for the others it probably won't. I feel that I am one of those people.
I have this entitlement to my victim mentality that allows me to continue to perpetuate my negative thought processes. But after 29 years, honestly I'm just tired. Nothing really brings me joy anymore and I'm pulled in so many different directions that I can't set my way on a path that will turn into anything meaningful. That is part of the problem as well is that nothing is meaningful. I'm not special. I wanted to be for so long because if I was special that meant that I would have value to someone and that people would be around. But.. that's not the case. I'm not special but honestly I'm just a piece of shit. A piece of shit who carries guilt for hurting someone for no reason because I had a stupid idea in my head. A piece of shit whom woke up and saw his mother on the floor and didn't check on her only later to find out that she had a stroke. A piece of shit who has verbally abused loved ones simply because I wanted to hurt them the way that I was hurting, so that they could understand some of the pain that I was feeling. But no, instead of hurting them I just pushed them away. All of them, to the point that they hardly check on me. Actually they rarely do, they all have their own lives now and I don't really fit into them. Sure they would miss me if I was gone but life goes on, you know. You hear about someone killing themselves and everyone has this idea but no one really knows the kind of hell that person is in. The kind of hell that they would rather inflict grave injury on themselves then to continue. I know this hell. The hell of being around people who want to be near you but not caring, people that actually care but you don't so you just don't put in an effort because the feeling is gone, the light in you has gone, it was dim before but now it is completely out and you helped to put it out. So you just wake up day after day , staring at the computer screen or trying to find a video game to fill the gap, the immense gap of feeling. But, nothing works. It's all gone, the dream of a loving relationship , the dream of becoming good at something and feeling proud about it, instead you just live in a waking nightmare that you have gained so much weight you hardly recognize yourself anymore and that you realize the last person that you loved didn't even know your middle name , or your birthday and ended up cheating on you and giving you herpes. Now she's married and lying to the guy about her condition and you have resided yourself to poverty and lonliness until the day that you work up the courage to finally end the suffering. There is nothing else to look forward to, I don't want to spread my diseases to offspring and I don't want to subject someone to my fucked psyche. I am flawed and broken beyond repair. This world has no room for me and I don't mind that anymore. Such a dark and unforgiving place, why would life be created to be so cruel. I feel as though I'm being punished. I just don't care anymore and I just need to find the last bit of strength to finally just call it quits to step out the door and commit to following through with one thing in my life
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm sick of my future FIL thinking it's fine to treat people like crap and then forget about it [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Thought I'd be a good first step to open up to my mother I am an 18 year-old student from Germany and I have been suffering from depression since I can remember existing so I
can't really tell what's the reason for my suffering.
Today I have opened up to my mother (and consequently not gone to school). It took me about 15 minutes to find words
before I could say anything. After I had told her that I have
depression, she asked me normal questions like "how do
you feel when you are depressed" etc. I explained myself
and suddenly she says stuff like "yeah the divorce was heavy
on you that probably caused it" when I just had told her, that
the divorce was not the problem or cause. I just want to
be fucking alone and she doesn't get it. Furtherly, she tells me
"yeah I had suicidal thoughts in my teen years as well" and
suddenly, all those reddit comments of parents neglecting
their child's depression became kinda real. I asked her
if she is trying to dissuade my depression which she said
"no I am taking it seriously" which is hard to believe.
I am a little pissed and I tell her I dont want to talk about it anymore and I go to my room and start my PC. 5 minutes
later she comes into my room and asks if and why I am not going
to school when I just had told her that I dont have any motivation for anything. I am at loss... I hid my depression
for my whole life and just did the mistake of telling my secret..
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self.depression
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Is it normal that I don’t get out of bed on days I don’t have to? [deleted]
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self.depression
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What to distract myself with. Nothing seems like enough to distract me rn.
I think I'm gonna make a blanket fort with things in it to help me stay distracted. Make it a safe space. Any ideas of what I should take with me to my fort?
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self.SuicideWatch
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The crushing feeling of loneliness. I guess I’m not alone, you guys are all here. I don’t really know where else to turn while I️ am waiting for my plane to fly out to Cali for my Grandpa’s sudden death. It’s not necessarily his death that made me feel like all this hard work of trying to be sane was for nothing. I just can’t think anymore, the lack of emotional support from girlfriend who’s long distance is also holding me down so I feel as if I can’t talk to her about anything because then things get so personal when all I really need is a hug. This pressing amount of work from school for my last year I need to get done. A retail job that makes me feel like I’m a terrible person for flying out so suddenly to go to a funeral. This crushing loneliness that even with all the friends and helping hands I’ve had and the countless therapy sessions I’ve had I still feel so fucking alone. Do you guys ever feel alone...? What do you do? I never understood the idea of feeling like you’re constantly drowning but still alive until now. My emotions and mental health just feel so tired and worn out. I don’t know what I’m looking for, I don’t know the solution. I’ve developed eating disorders, I had poor sleeping and I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix it all and make it all better. And what makes it worse is that I don’t talk to anyone about it because it always sounds like I’m making such a big deal but I can’t take it anymore. This weight and constant guilt that I’m always doing something wrong is nagging at me so hard. How do you combat something like that?
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self.depression
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suicidal i cried today in therapy because I was thinking that the only thing that's keeping me alive is my dog, close family members and my boyfriend. I don't want to make them suffer, ever. All I want to do is overdose and drink a shit ton of alcohol and just die already, I see no future for myself and life will never be good again. I'm on Paxil, Lexapro, Seroquel and Lamictal.
The only good moments are with my boyfriend, I need him more than anything right now and I don't want him to abandon me because I'm such a mess.
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self.depression
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I want someone to give me the strength to die. She has a son that has done much better. Went to college at the right age. Graduated at the right age. Got the traditional college experience. I flunked kindergarten. Graduated high school at 19. Will graduate college at 25 and still live with my parents. I transferred to USC to get the college experience but I am a dumbass for overlooking the money. Plus I am 22. No longer 18. And 3 years at USC isn't 4. I commute an hour and 30 now from school thanks to my stupidity.Having the college experience I desire is only now such a distant dream and impossible at this point no matter what I do. It's so weird that I am my mom's favorite. She has the perfect son. Yet she's so blind. Me dying won't be such a bad thing. She's going to have a son that is much more responsible (especially financially), competent, and intelligent. He's going to Switzerland for his job! Most of all, he's confident enough that he will get married and give her grandchildren! I told her the other day that I have been having suicidal thoughts and she cried. I was confused. It's obvious to me who really should be the favorite. When I die, I hope she will discover she's much better off.
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self.depression
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I finally beat my depression I took that motherf*cker and kicked its butt, now I'm happy again. Just wanted someone to tell it to...
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self.offmychest
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morning anxiety Hi all, I suffer from mild to medium GAD. I generally find it is worst in the morning, and as the day goes on, it gradually slips away. Any tips on how to get it start going away faster? Usually by mid afternoon it has decreased substantially, but I'd really like to start enjoying my mornings some more. Thanks in advance.
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self.Anxiety
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Never been truly happy. I dont think i have ever been truly happy about something, sure i might have have a few laughs here and there or some surge of pride after completing something but i have never actually felt like i was the happiest guy on earth, every feeling of self-worth and happiness has been there for maybe 10 minutes or so and then gone, i have never felt like i accomplished my full potential.
is there anyone else that feels like i do?
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self.depression
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I don't even know if this belongs here, but here goes [deleted]
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self.depression
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Not sure if I should be hospitalized I've been going through some issues with an ex this week that led me getting hurt a lot. There aren't many other times where I recall being in so much distress and where life seemed so unbearable. I've tried to kill myself multiple times over the last couple days as well as this morning.
I felt like trying again most of my time at work and then towards the end of my shift it felt as if this burden was magically removed for no apparent reason. I don't know if this has ever happened to anyone else? It makes me feel happy obviously because I don't feel the pain I felt before but at the same time I know myself well enough that something could trigger those feelings again.
I want to start seeing a therapist but I feel like it wont help as much if they don't know the full scope of my issues. At the same time I feel like it would seem weird for me to go to the hospital now when I'm feeling perfectly calm. Not really sure what I should do?
Edit: I'm also really hesitant to be hospitalized because I just moved to a new city kind of far from home and started a new job and I'm afraid if I have to stay in the hospital for too long I'll lose my job. I also don't want my mom to find out because she's already been through all of my previous suicidal episodes and I can't imagine the anxiety it would cause her now with me being so far from her
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self.SuicideWatch
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Wake up. Some days this empty blackness hangs over me; it’s near-impossible to quantify the abyss perpetually suspended above me, like my own little rain-cloud for the sad parade of life which I lay before you (over-used cliche and all).
I guess it’s probably just youthful, ‘rich-boy blues’ that I, like so many of our generation, undeservingly feel despite our relative and evident comfort, fortune and privilege - but it remains despite justification of its insignificance. Perhaps it is regret for past actions, anxiousness for future fates, or nostalgia for times that cannot be relived. Or maybe, with all of life's complexities, it could be the sum of these and more.
I can run and hide from it, avoid and temporarily displace it, but seem unable to shake its unrelenting drone; once again in the extents of my own mind I am out of my depth, and far removed from my comfort zone.
So it is in our mortal realm that I seek rest from its gripping claws; hiding in my shell, behind my bearded mask of hedonism and newfound social-activeness - a split-persona of drug-induced bliss. This second life, conducted by the endless escape of music and staggering accessibility of mind-altering substance, is both at once absolutely and completely freeing and cripplingly encumbering.
But what is it that this self-indulging tale of sombre confusion and poor decision-making shows? Is it my inability to accept my own decisions, a deluded wish to rewind time, a childlike cry for help, senseless venting, or in fact an undeserving search for sympathy, compassion and human connection beyond the hazed simplicities of the past few month?
Perhaps the point is not to know, not to care, but to realise my state and do all within my means to remove myself from the ever-deepening crevasse in to which I have fallen.
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self.offmychest
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Just want to die I don't want to be here anymore. I keep disappointing loved ones. Everyone is mad at me. My friends don't care anymore and I fucked up my life. I just want all this to end. Since the universe isn't gonna kill me anytime soon, it seems like I'll just have to do it myself. I can't do it anymore, it's my only way out.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’m done with this. All of this. It’s all my fault for choosing not to change the way I am. But, it’s hard to find the motivation to do something about it when you’re all alone.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Avoidance issues I have had anxiety for a while now and the worst part is that it often leads to me bunking school/college. It's been there for a long time but I feel like people around me are noticing it more and are getting weirded out by it.
I can't really tell anyone about this as I am studying in a medicine-related field and there is a lot of backlash against people with this kind of problem.
I can't get help without my professors/peers finding out about it.
I don't want to be known as the mental illness girl for the rest of my college life or have my competency at my profession doubted because of it.
its gotten so bad that if I don't start going more frequently I'll have to repeat the year because of lack of attendance (my grades are ok). Is there any way I can soldier through it? Are there any coping mechanisms I can adopt? Is there a way to get therapy anonymously online?
Any help at all will be appreciated
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self.Anxiety
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