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I’m lazy, fat, stupid, and probably a bad person, just like my dad [deleted]
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self.depression
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February I don't know why I thought the way I just did.
Why couldn't I just be treated fair.
I still cry over the reasons why anyone could treat me the way I was treated by him.
He's not even sorry.
He will never be sorry.
Because he's not the same person I used to call my friend.
This hurts more than anything in the world.
I just want it all to stop.
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self.offmychest
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I desperately need to vent. This post probably isn’t worth reading, so you don’t need to waste your time. I’ve had depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts for 8 years straight now, in varying degrees of intensity. If you’re in this subreddit, chances are you can relate, and those things alone probably don’t warrant much sympathy. But I don’t need sympathy. Right now I just need an outlet, since currently I have none. It doesn’t matter if anyone actually takes the time to read this, but if you do, just be prepared for a lot of rambling...
I’m on medication and have gone to therapy for the vast majority of the past eight years. But at the beginning of October, I started a new job with extremely long hours, leaving me no time to see my therapist. The last time I’ve even spoken with her was probably mid-september. And since then, it’s been a slow and steady decline from moderate, “normal” depression and suicidal thoughts, to absolute fucking torture 24/7.
Before I get into the main bulk of the story I need to get out of my system, I should give some background.
It has been two and a half years since my last relationship. That means in two and a half years, I’ve had no dates, no sex, not even a kiss or a one night stand. It’s been endless, soul-destroying loneliness. And to top it off, I’m practically a nympho since sex is pretty much the only thing that is guaranteed to make me at least a little happy for a short period of time, so no sex or physical contact in two and a half years is tearing me the fuck apart.
I also, unsurprisingly, have extremely low self esteem. I fucking hate myself. I hate how I act, I hate how I look, I hate everything that I ever do or say. Needless to say, this characteristic is not the most helpful when attempting to pick up girls.
Okay I don’t know what the fuck I’m trying to say here. I don’t even know if it’s worth typing all this out. Basically, even though I know I really need to work on myself before I try dating someone again, I desperately crave a relationship with physical and emotional intimacy.
Moving on. At work, there’s a coworker of mine, let’s call her Sarah. We’ve basically spent the last two months together, in the same room for hours and hours on end, so we’ve gotten to know each other extremely well and are very close. I have basically no close friends, so this is kind of huge.
On top of that, she is kind of an incredible person. She and I are alike in a scary number of ways, we have the same sense of humor, the same life philosophies, the same kinds of ideas. She is also unbelievably attractive, like, way out of my league. It’s a wonder we’re even friends in the first place.
Now after the first two or three weeks of spending solid time with Sarah, I was already kind of falling for her. However, she had a boyfriend of two years, and they were EXTREMELY serious. Like, talking about moving in together, marriage, kids, the whole shebang. Their families were already practically intertwined. Even though I was already crushing on Sarah, this was actually great for me. I had solidified in my mind - “she is taken, she’s never going to leave this guy, give up on the romantic ideations.”
And I kind of did. I let go of my romantic feelings and we continued to be very close friends. Then, over thanksgiving, she and her boyfriend broke up. It was a catastrophe. I helped Sarah through it, gave her advice, tried to be the best friend I could for her. And apparently, I was partially the reason for the break up. I had pointed out how much she had been doing for him, and she started to realize that what she was putting in wasn’t really worth what she was getting out.
Well, as soon as the breakup happened, my feelings started to form again. And much stronger this time. I could truly see us spending a life together, it seems that good. But let’s list the reasons why this will never happen, shall we?:
 
1. She’s out of my league.
Though she seems to like my personality well enough, I am not nearly attractive enough for her. Her ex was a beefy guy with a beard - I’m a scrawny nerd.
2. Her relationship just ended.
Even if I wanted to pursue something, she just ended an extremely long term relationship. Not only would it be rude and insensitive to make any moves right now, but it would just be plain stupid.
3. We work together.
This gig is scheduled to continue for a minimum of two more years. Dating a coworker is a bad enough idea, and if we got together and broke up, we’d have to deal with the extreme discomfort of having to finish this two year project together.
4. The age difference.
She is 3 years older than me. While not that big of a deal (hell, my aunt is ten years older than my uncle), I have a suspicion that she kind of perceives me as “lesser,” or like a little brother type. It’s hard to be sure, but I have a feeling that the thought of actually being in a relationship with me has never even crossed her mind.
5. The friend zone.
If I go for it, and she says no (as she VERY likely will), chances are that this great friendship that I’ve built with her will wither and die. Neither of us wants that, and she may even use that as a reason why we should date in the first place - to save the friendship.
6. She deserves WAY better than me.
Sarah is an incredible person. I am a clusterfuck of a human being, with major mental health issues (clearly) and Crohn’s disease on top of it all. She deserves someone way, way better than me. And better than her ex too, since he wasn’t really up to par either.
 
So, I have no idea what to fucking do. The obvious answer would be, “don’t try anything.” But I can’t stop thinking about her. We have such a strong connection, unlike nearly any other friendship I’ve had. And now that there is technically “hope” and she is officially single, it’s driving me fucking insane. I know she would probably turn me down for a multitude of reasons, some of which I just listed, but I feel like I have to know. If circumstances were different - if we weren’t coworkers, if there wasn’t as much to lose - would she give me a chance? Or would it be a no in any situation? The uncertainty is making me insane.
I’m pretty sure I have BPD, though I’m technically undiagnosed. But this all feels like a classic ultra-attachment to someone, and everything I’m feeling is amplified by 1000. I desperately want to cry, and yet I can’t even do that. So maybe, if this is all BPD, this isn’t even “real.” But everything I’m feeling from this situation - the anxiety, the depression, the uncertainty, the self loathing - it is all just too much, and I have pretty much nonstop wanted to kill myself for the past several days. Suicidal thoughts were already pretty common in my “normal” depression, but this is much worse than normal. I’ve definitely had episodes like this before, but god damn it sucks. I can hardly function at work. She’s been asking what’s wrong, and I’m just being vague and saying there’s some shit going on in my personal life. I just need to die.
Side note: this isn’t an emergency post. Though my suicidal thoughts are extreme, I will never take action again. I did once, and after seeing what it did to my parents, I cannot in good conscience do anything like that again. But on the other hand, if I died from some health issue or accident out of my control, I’d welcome it with open fucking arms. Shit like this for the past eight years has been fucking exhausting. I’m just so done.
On top of it all, all of this stress and anxiety is giving me a gnarly Crohn’s flare-up, so I get to feel extra shitty just for fun. I have to play that off at work too.
Anyway, I don’t know what I’m doing here at all. That’s the gist of it. I feel like shit and I don’t know what to do.
And to clarify, I have been doing everything in my power these past eight years to get better, especially recently. I’m constantly trying to alter my destructive and deluded thought patterns, and I’m really working on liking myself and bettering my health. I’ve tried so many things (and continue to), but even with all of the effort, I still feel hopeless. I really don’t think I can get better. I am way too fucked up, and I have tried way too many things to no avail. Honestly once my parents both pass (which, for their sake I hope is not anytime soon), I will finally be able to just die in peace. I constantly yearn for that day.
I also have no idea how I’ve even functioned still with this severe level of depression and anxiety. I think I’m really just keeping going in that regard for my parents as well - make them think I’m doing just fine so they don’t freak out even more and can live happily. I’m also of the mindset that “well, if I’m stuck here, I might as well make an effort to succeed at things and attempt to make life a little less miserable in the meantime.”
Alright, I’m rambling here. Like I said I would. If any of you actually read all that....may I ask why? I’m sorry to have wasted your time.
And best of luck to everyone else out there dealing with similar things. I know it sucks, and I wish every single one of you the best. Hang in there, and I’ll try to do the same myself.
TL;DR - Feel like shit, want to die, blah blah blah.
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self.depression
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I was watching Harry Potter recently, and any scene with a dementor is exactly how anxiety feels for me. The looming doom, the feeling trapped, life being sucked out of you, struggling to breathe and just generally feel scared and trapped. It's also never knowing when it will strike and how quickly your world can go dark.
I wonder if JK Rowling had this in her mind when writing her books, maybe she experienced anxiety/depression and the dementors are a representation of it.
Just a thought and wondered if anyone else had thought of this before.
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self.Anxiety
|
they don't want you to be the real you Rant So my husband and i have finally got back on track only for my in-laws to move in for not the month i was expecting but three. They brought along there 9 year old daughter and without asking my FiL invited his 18 year old to come spend several weeks with us as well. I rapid cycle badly most of the time thou there are days where i stay mostly manic or depressed. The lack of routine, is driving me insane, the cold is killing my back ( i almost broke it a horse back riding accident when I was 11) and trying to get my husbands business off the ground is literally making me want to start cutting again. something I had managed to stop 2 weeks ago before my in laws moved in. I just my husband wants everything great for his parents and I get that but there is all this extra stuff to do and I just do not feel like dealing with it. I can only hide in my office because when I don't I have resting bitch face and according to my husband make everyone feel uncomfortable. What kills me is when my husband and I decided to stay together he said he wanted the real me. The true Chelsea. yeah well the true Chelsea hurts, spends all her energy trying to control her rapid cycling, and just wants to be warm and read. And have sex Also guess what guys going from having sex 3 to 4 times a day to once while having to be quiet and such is driving me insane insane insane. So no nobody wants me to be the real me they want me to be the fake happy smiling I will do what ever you want me. And that makes me want to cry because i thought we had made that progress. I thought I could go back to listening to rap while I cleaned the house and we exercise and I didn't have to constantly pretend that everything was alright because its not and I'm not okay. But lesson learned loud and clear don't be the real you. Because apparently the real me is too much to handle.
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self.bipolar
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Has anybody actually really recovered? I’ve been suffering through a severe depressive episode for about a year and a half. It was triggered by life circumstances that aren’t going to change. My cognitive faculties are noticeably hindered, which is a huge issue for work and building my career.
Has anybody fully recovered from a situation of this sort? Or is some damage already done?
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self.depression
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Lexapro Side Effects My doctor started me on Lexapro (Escitalopram) last week for GAD, SA and MDD. Last year I took Prozac for about a month but it made me physically ill (nauseous, dizzy, foggy)and unable to get out of bed so I stopped. With Lexapro I haven't been feeling sick at all, but my appetite has decreased a lot, I have trouble falling asleep at a reasonable hour and I am so irritable.
Last night I yelled at my partner to go away multiple times while sobbing and feeling just plain hurt and angry. We have been having some issues related to my declining health and some big bumps in the road that have happened in the last 8 months but I've never really reacted this way before with him, definitely not without an obvious cause, I haven't acted like this since I was a young teen. I also even told my dog to go away and normally we always snuggle and I never want her to leave my side. I live with my partner so obviously, it can't continue like this, for everyone's sake.
As far as my appetite goes, I suffered from anorexia throughout most of high school and although I am at a healthy weight and no longer calorie count, I'm concerned the loss in appetite will spark some old bad habits and send me back into that spiral. I still carry some fairly bad body dysmorphia and low self-esteem.
Has anyone taken this medication before or have had similar experiences with SSRIs? When does it go away (if ever)? Or just some support?
I've pushed away most of my friends and my partner is still upset about last night so I'm too anxious about bothering him and for him to feel like I'm blaming my actions on mental health AGAIN (this may not be what he thinks but I'm very paranoid, especially when it comes to people/relationships). I really have no one I'm comfortable enough talking to about my health, I've always felt so embarrassed about it and like people would think I want attention or I'm using it to act out/ be a garbage person.
My doctor is in my hometown and I work FT so it's hard to get down there before Monday, it's about 1.5 hours by bus one way.
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self.Anxiety
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Never thought I'd do this Well here I am. Not sure what to say but I guess this is where i can vent. Tired of losing people, never being good enough or interesting enough..We've known each other for 1 year and all it took was one day to change everything, to be replaced and then argue about it. She made me feel special, like I was the only guy she cared about, the only guy she could tell anything and it didn't take long for that to change. She tells me she cares about me, how I'll never be replaced but how can I feel like that if she doesn't treat me how I want to be treated?
Tired of feeling like I'm just her second option, ever since that day she replaced me all I feel is like i want to die. She'd always comfort me when I get like this but tonight I haven't told her, how can I when all we ever talk about now is how I feel while I watch her do everything with him? How can I tell her that she's the reason I want to die and at the same time my reason to live? She's everything to me and all I can see is myself losing her slowly one day at a time, we've argued about this multiple times and each time she won. She was my reason to live, the one who pushed me and inspired me but here we are now where every day is a constant reminder I no longer matter as much as I used to? What is the point in living if all the people you invest yourself into just replace you and then get mad at you for trying to show them you still exist?
I tried to tell her so many times I feel like I'm being pushed out but it seems she just doesn't listen, she reminds me I still have her but how? I used to feel like everything to her but now all I feel like is a nuisance, how can I be feeling this strongly attached to her when she's not my girlfriend? Everyday brings me one step closer to doing it, I just don't know how I want to do it. I thought about cutting my wrists open but the thought of hurting myself like that scares me too much to do it, I have to die but how? I've thought about jumping but that doesn't guarantee me my death though i may end up actually doing it. How can I tell my girlfriend that I no longer love her? We barely talk and she still loves me, but I can't bear this anymore.
I knew I wasn't ready for the relationship but still jumped in knowing I wasn't ready to love her like she loves me but I still lie to her knowing if she knew the truth she'd hate me more than anyone. I shouldn't be alive, I shouldn't have people. People I don't see physically mean more to me than people I do? This relationship is not even physical, am i this desperate for someone to love me? I don't deserve any of this but I guess it won't be long till I finally decide to do this. I wish she didn't mean this much to me, she's killing me slowly..
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self.SuicideWatch
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Havent hung out with friends from high school since graduation, and missed 3 days of work due to sleeping in late, but was too anxious to call in after the fact If my shift is at 6 am, how am i supposed to call in a few hours ahead when i was asleep? Also when i have to stay home from work due to the flu/cold, should i just miss work until im better?
This is my first job and the whole calling in sick thing makes me anxious as the manager i talk to always sounds super condesvending on the phone.
Also, its winter and this is when i usually get sick. I have a feeling i might get fired soon, but im thinking about quitting and finding somewhere else to work. Ive only worked there a month and feel like im working too many hours, but i feel like my anxiety will prevent me from quitting and ill just start hating myself more by the day. On top of this, i havent really had any friends for like 6 months, and every time i have to help a customer i cringe inside cause i just sound so fake.
I hate being like this, and hopefully this post doesnt come across as whining
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self.Anxiety
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Does therapy work for You? I am starting therapy again and can't help but feel like it's all so useless.
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self.bipolar
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I stopped hanging out with all my friends because I don't want to see my ex Near the end of the relationship he started hanging around my close friends (which then became our common friends after the breakup). I know it's completely stupid and childish to act that way but I felt like I had to cut them out of my life.
I couldn't bear hearing them talk about him and I don't want to see him at our hangouts again but I just can't tell them that. I have nothing against my ex but I get anxious and I feel like crying when I see him. It really takes a lot for me to move on, I need the thing (that I need to forget) completely out of my life. No doubt, I became very lonely, but I made new friends, and I focused on school and my personal project on the side. But the meaning of friendship has been tarnished for me.
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self.offmychest
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eventually i'm gonna run out of money eventually i'm gonna run out of money and there's nothing i can do about it. my parents don't support and won't me, financially or otherwise, and i'm disabled to the point where i can't work. i've been refused disability, i need blood work and etc done due to a medical need, and i just don't know what to do. i've always been sad, but on top of that now i'm scared.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Why does everyone always say that if you’re feeling depressed/suicidal, that you should tell someone but when you do, people say “you’re just looking for attention”? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Hey first post I have a decent background, no abuse or anything, not diagnosed w depression or any of that. But I just have 0 will to live and lots of existential crisis. I mean I’m just so bored with this life, I’d rather just kill myself and see what’s next. I can’t do that though bc I have people who care about me and shit also i can be v selfless but I’m just so damn bored and these days just drag on and I’ve got so many years to live yet. If anyone can relate to this, please tell me how you deal w having to exist.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anybody want to die but want it to be from “natural causes”? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Appearing ok to other people is eating me alive [deleted]
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self.depression
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i’m so depressed that i can’t even sleep if anybody can give some tips hit me up i’m so fucking tired
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self.depression
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I hate being a girl: Part I
*Exerpt from chat log with friends replies removed because it was the best synopsis of whats going on I could tell*
...You seem to view me as this succubus, an evil siren singing men to shipwreck. Do I manipulate men by mindfucking them? No. Oh. You mean dazzle them with the things I know?....It isn't an intelligence thing, really.
Guys just think I am weird. I care about a lot of subjects and enjoy talking about a lot of things. Most guys don't have any interest, whatsoever, in what interests me. Most people I know don't like the music I like, most people don't seem to care about creativity. If I show aptitude somewhere, men, typically, consider me threatening or intimidating. They either run or they try to "neg" me down to their level.
"Knocking me down a few pegs", I was told a while back. I apparently had "too much" confidence.
It's even worse in music. The more I know, the less men seem to listen to me. I told him 5 times that the instruments need to be tracked seperately. Had this entire home studio and wanted to layer everything in one mix. I taught him about branding. Song structure. He always knew better than me. Nothing about anything I said stuck. So many nights I stood there for hours waiting on him to adjust the levels so I could hear myself in the mix. I left wanting to rip my hair out. Nothing got done, ever. Potential ruined.
Sometimes, well, they'll listen. They'll pretend they didn't hear me. They'll tell me to "calm down". Or "relax". Then, 5 minutes later they come up with the exact thing I just said. If I bring it up, they tell me something about the way our voices are just "high pitched" makes them shut down or panic and "tune us out". Like "a crying baby". It was explained to me by a bandmate that it isn't "their fault" they can't listen to us. It's *our fault*. So, I try to speak deeply sometimes so maybe they can hear me and I don't hurt them with my "normal girl voice".
Doesn't matter what it is: If I have any obection to something, if I feel uncomfortable I should "calm down" and "relax". "Look pretty and play the thing I'm supposed to".
Should I suggest something, I have to go to great lengths to justify the logic behind something I suggest to have someone even consider to value my perspective.
Should I have no rational explaination or extensive dissertation to any objection I make, I'm just: "squealing, paralyzing every man around me with emotional concerns with my high pitched woman voice." That's my understanding, so far.
The constant checking your mental work to prove to a group you're actually being rational and not upset. Become too rational, you become threatening and no fun.
My job is to be fun and pleasant to be around. Normally this means agreeing with everything (and I mean: everything) going on around me that the men are doing. I can't seem to get that part right.
I stand up for myself and assert myself, respectfully. Asking to be heard and respected is "stifling". So, I play by myself, again.
I turned down a project today because I *never* feel safe. I'm tired of being disappointed when I find out it's the same scenario: different faces.
It's exhausting. I am too exhausted to be angry as I write this. It is just: the way things are. I accept I can't change it.
Sometimes, what I really want most of all is to have my voice and opinion heard, instead of taken away from me. Used as a bargaining chip, something always easily passed over and ignored. I want to be valued like the men value eachother. These are not the rules.
...I hate being a girl.
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self.offmychest
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There is one place I want to visit before I kill myself. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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It always, always comes back. I was horribly suicidal two years ago, but I guess I had my reasons; was laid off from my job, got into a massive fight with my mom (over her lack of support while I 'dealt' with depression), moved to a new country to start fresh (which was isolating and terrifying and didn't work out in the end).
Then things got a bit better, and eventually I kind of realized I wasn't so bad anymore. Still depressed, but only mildly.
When I moved back to my home country, got my job back, started biking, made more friends ... Things felt good, and I remember crying tears of joy that I could genuinely say I was happy, for the first time in my adult life.
That lasted about three months, and here I am back to feeling like absolute shit, so depressed, filled with doom and driven by fear. Too anxious to answer phone calls or emails. Too sad to do anything other than go to work, cry, go home, and cry myself to a half sleep for the rest of the night.
I knew my happiness wouldn't last. But I had a taste of it and that makes feeling this terrible so much worse.
I don't want to be depressed anymore but I can't imagine things will just magically get better one day.
This is so fucking tiring and sad. How the hell can I try to get better if I know getting better will just make my fall from grace that much worse?
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self.depression
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Everything I do is wrong Every time I try to do something nice/the right thing, I end up doing SOMETHING wrong, accidentally breaking something or just saying the wrong thing or even just helping the wrong people. It’s been pretty bad an constant lately and I’m losing hope. Why do I keep trying to do good things if they only result in me messing things up? I know I only keep trying because I feel compelled to do because I want, no NEED, to do right and please and it’s just wrong and never enough these days. Getting tired and honestly I’m wondering why I’m still alive.
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self.Anxiety
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I deleted Facebook and uninstalled messenger A while ago some of the people that I thought were good friends really hurt my feelings. I stopped going on Facebook for a week or two.
Then one of my work friends had a baby and I asked for pictures and he asked if I had Facebook. I didn’t want to not friend him but I never wanted to mix Work with Facebook.
So I downloaded all of my content and deleted my account. I didn’t want anyone to ask me what was going on so I deleted messenger too.
I feel like I’ve made my world much smaller. At least there are less people who can hurt my feelings. I don’t have to worry about thinking people are my friends when they don’t really consider me a friend.
So I think I’ll just stay on Reddit and that’s it.
I only need to find a place to backup all of my pictures on the cloud and I’ll be all set.
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self.bipolar
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Distorted thought patterns - anyone ever get these or something like them? As I attempted to sleep (it is now 10:14PM) I experienced distorted and broken thoughts. It got so bad I wanted someone to stick an Xacto knife inside my brain (like a lobotomy). At one point I experienced depersonalization (it felt like I was detached from my existence and falling off a bridge I saw a video of on Facebook earlier in the day). I consider this like I am hallucinating in my mind. I am on week 4 of Wellbutrin and it is kicking my ass. My sleep has been pretty normal up until tonight. I can tell it is Wellbutrin because it is due to start and my sleep is disrupted with insane distortions of thought.
I want to stay on Wellbutrin and my Lithium level is not yet at a balance. Hoping that when the Lithium gets to the level it is supposed to be per liter of blood that the Wellbutrin will not make me feel so edgy and possibly manic? I don't know. I never get depressive episodes although I did feel suicidal for a second which was strange. Was it rapid cycling or something? They said antidepressants can make you feel suicidal. This was all in the last 45 minutes of darkness I spent trying to fall asleep in bed lost in this distorted head of mine.
TL;DR my brain feels like it is going through a meat grinder. I had depersonalization where I fell off a cliff and was dead - all in my mind.
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self.bipolar
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Why should I live What's the point. I can't find one legitimate reason to live.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I just want to end it all I'm 17 and I'm so depressed right now I don't think I can take it. I just lost two really good friends, (one I had known since I was 5). I've been by myself in my room for two days, and since I'm depressed none of my friends want to hang out with me. I'm seriously contemplating suicide right now since I have had a long history of depression and attempts on my life since the 8th grade. I'm sick of being sad and lonely and I just want the pain to go away.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Plz help me Im depressed and idk what to do. Is a therapist even worth it?
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self.depression
|
One of the reasons I'm so depressed is because I feel like I have no close friends, how the hell do I make better friends with people? I go to a very small school so there aren't a ton of options and I pretty much already know everybody my age I have some people I occasionally talk to or who invite me to party's but right now I only have one close friend and nothing else and as lovely as he is it's driving me a little bit insane to only talk to one person and having only one friend is definitely making me feel more depressed. How do I get closer to people because I have no idea what to do, there aren't any clubs I can join or activities after school I can do so what am I supposed to do if I don't want to be incredibly lonely?
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self.depression
|
i'm 22 tomorrow and i'm struggling This will probably be quite a long post but I want to vent my feelings.
Tomorrow is my 22nd birthday. 2017 was a really rough year for me; I graduated and moved back to my parents in a town with nobody else in it, I lost a lot of friends, I broke up with my girlfriend of two years, I started developing feelings for my friends ex-girlfriend, who’s sort of shown an interest back but has now decided that it’s not a mutual thing, and I’m working a part time job in a badly run café where things get really stressful.
I’ve always been a worrisome person, but in the last six months or so my anxiety has gotten very bad. I can’t sit still easily, or be alone, I’m always reaching for my phone to find somebody to talk to. I am always stressed out about my future, about finding a real graduate job, finding the money to move out, and now I’m single all of these fears of never meeting somebody have come to my system. I really struggle to approve of my appearance and I dread photos at anything I go to.
I had a birthday event a few days ago and I got way too drunk, started crying and talking about being depressed. I don’t know if I actually am or not, but I struggle to find true feelings of lightness throughout most of my day. I am always feeling heavy, always on the edge, always a little unhappy. I constantly worry about being shy, awkward, saying the wrong thing.
When it turned midnight for 2018 all I was filled with was dread. I went into the bathroom, locked it, slid to the floor and just started crying. I’ve felt as though all of the secure parts of my life are unravelling a little, and while I know that my situation certainly isn’t the worst in the world, I have never felt lonelier, more isolated or low self-esteem wise.
I can’t remember what it was like to not be anxious, to not feel dread and that something is about to fall apart. I hope to find a way to live with all of these thoughts and get back to a more positive head space, I just don’t really know how to go about it. I’m sorry for such a long post but I wanted to express myself and just vent.
Thank you so much for reading if you made it this far.
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self.Anxiety
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What do I do? I just found out my Mother was incarcerated for Reckless Homicide.. I'll just say it was drug related. My world was falling apart enough already and this just caused everything around me to completely shatter. I have never felt lower. I could really use some support.
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self.depression
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Self-sabotaging due to insecurity? I've always been someone who has a small circle of very close friends and not much else and I'm fortunate that my current friends are wonderful people and very supportive of me, but I still feel very insecure in my relationships with them. Leaving high school has been very good for me, but I think to some extent I've sabotaged my own recovery and kept myself constantly sad out of fear that if I'm not in need of emotional support that my friends will leave me because I won't have anything to offer. Recognizing this has been good for me but I still am afraid that my friendships will naturally peter out because of my own deficiencies as a person. Does this make me a bad friend? I feel like I've been manipulative and an unnecessary burden and I don't know if that's a product of my own self-dislike or a reasonable reaction to my behavior.
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self.depression
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Dating anxiety I don't know why I'm posting. I just feel as if my anxiety is at a constant high and I don't know why. Lately I can't seem to tell the difference between my actual feelings or my anxiety. Anyway, I am starting to date and it has been difficult. If I'm not obsessing over whether a guy likes me or not, I'm obsessing over whether or not I like him. It is exhausting. Does anyone have any tips? How do you know if you don't like the person or are self sabotaging because you are scared?
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self.Anxiety
|
Beauty and nice things make me sad This is something pretty weird that I've noticed recently but was feeling for a long time now.
When I hear a really beautiful song or watch a good movie, when I am at an awesome party or get complimented by someone, when the treeline next to my house looks more amazing than usual, I feel both happy and sad.
I don't really understand it, but I think I've always felt stuff really strongly. I guess I'm really emotional or something. However, it's rarely just happiness, it's accompanied with this weird feeling of sadness. It probably sounds silly but it's really bad, because when I experience good moments they are followed by even worse depression.
I guess it still beats being 'just' depressed which is how I very often feel.
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self.depression
|
Has anyone ever tried magic mushrooms? Apparently they "reset" a depressed brain by activating certain areas that increase feelings of wellbeing for months. Has anyone ever tried it?
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self.depression
|
Just stopping by. Just to let you know, I am a nineteen year old male and I don't believe I am a suicide risk.
I have had anxiety issues for a long time, and developed depression a few years ago. My therapist recommended looking into getting medicated for it, but I put it off due to lack of motivation. Stuff happened months later that made me motivated enough to see a doctor.
I started buproprion a month or two ago, and things started getting better. Felt better, less harmful thoughts and was more social.
Now it's finals week and for about 7-8 days the progress started sliding backwards. I am losing the effect of the medicine I think, and after that break it's hitting me really hard.
One reason I went to the doctor is because I wasn't motivated to do schoolwork, I am in college and I can't skip through everything like I used to be able to. But my grades were going down steadily. In the weeks before I got the prescription I was starting to study the day before a test, or the night of.
Around 2 weeks after it I was able to study a few days before the test, which was incredible. But now I can't do it anymore. I had a calculus three test and a physics two test Thursday, and didn't study until that night. The calculus test was half take home, and I did it then. I did not sleep at all. I called the professor and made an excuse and he was nice enough to move the test to tomorrow. Still had to take the physics test though. Didn't do well.
Thing is I'm here at 2:00 am with the test in the early morning and I haven't done anything again! I had homework I haven't done, I haven't studied at all! I just was so unmotivated and depressed I didn't do anything but play games, and I am not even in a state where I enjoy that. I feel like shit and like I'm going to break down again. I hate it. I feel like I need to go talk to the doctor about getting a higher dose but I am probably just going to push it off again.
I have a physics final Thursday too I haven't done anything for.
I feel terrible because I know I can do better, I enjoy math a lot but I can't focus. It kills me that I can't even focus on the things I love anymore. If I try I get A's but I don't try. And my parents are struggling right now, barely making enough money as is, and this guy my father did a job for went freaking insane after my father's co-worker and friend died in a car accident, and refused to pay him because "what if he dies too". Now he is suing my father, he knows it is an unjust lawsuit but he straight up told my father that he can afford to drag it out, but he knows my father can't.
They were relying on me to get good grades for scholarships and I haven't. My GPA has gone down and I haven't even applied for the next college.
My best friend who I normally talk to has gone to a military school a state away and they take his phone away so I can't even talk to him anymore except for when he comes back on break, but his parents are divorced and he has a girlfriend so we only see him for a day or two when he does get a break. I guess I just needed to unload.
Edit: I wasn't sure to put this in because I figured people would be worried about suicide, but whatever.
In addition to anxiety and depression I would have constant thoughts about death. Everytime I picked something up, I would think either "I could kill someone with this this way" or "if I held it like this I could cut my throat". There was never any will behind it though, I never wanted or felt like doing it. I would also go to bed and would get stuck in loops of seeing or imagining people/myself being killed or tortured. I mentioned it to my therapist (and my doctor) and he said he thinks it is just related to the anxiety and depression, and I didn't think it really bothered me. I listened to asmr to help with both tinnitus and the intrusive thoughts.
It really hit me how free I felt when during the period of the medicine working I picked up scissors and realized I hadn't thought of stabbing myself, nor thought of anything similar for over a week. But it's all back now of course.
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self.depression
|
I want to write the note this time I attempted when I was in elementary school due to bullying and being singled out... it seemed pretty logical for me and I could go to heaven no matter what everyone else said.
A few years ago I was in a bad place, not suicidal, just depressed.
Now I am 17 and it seems logical for me to die. The only reason I haven’t is due to my strict upbringing I feel compelled not to because I have fear of going to hell and all that great stuff... there just doesn’t seem a point anymore. I’m taking a college load of STEM classes equivalent to some college juniors/Sophmores and while I’ve got good grades in all but 3, I know it won’t be enough for me to transfer to some of my dream schools. Yesterday I was dumped as well...? I don’t understand what exactly happened but I just know I’m not loved anymore. I feel I am no longer good enough, and no matter how kind I try to be I still feel like I’m getting screwed over. Also, my parents never listen to me and don’t think I need therapy because I have religion and yadda yadda.
I know a lot of people here advise teens to not kill themselves, because their lives have begun to bud. But I feel that due to my family history and what people tell me it is better to die than to be a failure to others and to myself. I want to write my note, but I don’t know who it would even be to at this point.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I am so tired all of the time. Should I see a doctor? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Prayers, again. Please, God. Please.
My girlfriend and I are going through a rough patch. We both want the relationship to work, and we want to be together. Please God, please. Please help us to stay together. I can't stand the thought of losing another relationship. I don't want to go down the dark hole of depression again. Please please please please please.
Please.
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self.depression
|
Social anxiety and blushing - my experience Hey Reddit
I'm sure that this topic has come up before here, but wanted somewhere to share this - so here goes.
I have suffered from social anxiety since being a teenager (I am in my mid-20s now) and was always quick to go red in embarrassing situations, but this has gone to a whole new level recently. I find myself thinking about blushing constantly and as a result going red because of things that aren't even embarrassing.
As I said, this wasn't always the case - coming about in the last 6 months or so. My previous job involved me regularly presenting in front of up to 12 people which I coped with fairly well but I can't even imagine myself doing that now. I feel like the possibility that I might blush is really restricting how I act socially.
I'm very aware that me thinking about it is making the problem much worse but it's hard to get out of the cycle mentally.
Has anyone else experienced this? If so, any tips or methods you used to get over it would be great to hear.
Thanks for listening / reading guys
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self.Anxiety
|
Boarding a plane in 6 hours and I’m absolutely terrified! [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I can't stop worrying about my dad and his problems long enough to focus on my own So a little backstory: my dad worked for the government, and his boss always harassed him hardcore. My dad would talk to hr and they never helped him, leading to him developing chronic anxiety. It eventually led him to almost commit suicide, my mom is in the process of leaving him, and I might be right behind her.
But I just don't know what to do. I don't get anxious over things that I know won't happen and i don't get anxious in social situations, but i feel like if i stay with my dad, who right now especially needs someone to be with him, I'll be thrown into an inescapable pit of despair because all I'll do is worry about him. But if I leave, I'll be the loneliest person on the planet, and I'll still worry about him because he's my dad and i really do love him.
Not only that, but im a college student who takes 14-16 units a semester and I'll have to start working 30-40 hours to move out and i just feel like i can't do it anymore. I have friends who back me up in everything that i do but some days (like today) its not enough. I just want to be at least at peace with myself but no matter what option i choose i can't even manage that.
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self.Anxiety
|
Eclipse I think we're too isolated from nature. We eat food that's not in season, we live in climate controlled housing, we stay up late and we wake up with alarms. The eclipse was magnificent and to me it speaks to the importance of observing natural cycles and their effects on our lives. I'm not saying I'll go to bed when the sun sets and turn off the a/c, but I think I will start paying attention to what food is in season, the phase of the moon (just for fun), and how my body changes with natural cycles, including my own menstrual cycle and circadian rhythm. I want to live as a part of nature not something separate from it.
Also, the eclipse was *really* cool. So glad I traveled to see it. I'm giddy.
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self.bipolar
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why cant i stop remembering this every single day. why did i had to be fucked up. why wont it go away i feel like my life is over. i feel like my life has been over for years now.
my parents were very negligent when i was a kid. we were poor and they didnt have a lot of time to watch over me because they were always working. at the time i was around six years old, i was raped by the only person i trusted. this memory got buried for years, but never goes away entirely. it always comes back.
i don't feel like i can trust people. i have no friends. i've never had any friends. i've always being alone. always a fuck up. i get scared and i cry a lot very easily. i never made any friends when i was younger because i was too scared. now, in my 20s, i still feel like a child. i still can't connect to people. i don't think i ever will. i'm gonna die the way that i lived: alone, and too afraid to talk to anyone.
this past year has been the worst. all these memories keep coming back constantly. i tried to make friends and failed miserably. everyone pities me, but no one actually wants to be friends with me. they treat me like i'm slow and need help. but i'm always pushed to the sidelines.
i feel like i'm just wasting my time. all the other people in their 20s around me already have lifelong friendships, experiences, talents, they go to parties and get along with everyone. but i have none of that. i'm broken. i have nothing good going for me. i've wasted my entire life being too scared to live or to call out the people who hurt me. theres no reason for me to continue with this shit. if i get my degree i'll never get a job anyway: i can't deal with people and can't make connections. i'm useless.
on monday, i was talking to the man who abused me all those years ago (i hate him so much, but i can't seem to ever cut him out of my life. even after the sexual abuse. even after he beat me. even after all the pain he has caused me. i never let him go. i don't know why. he's nice to me now but i can't ever forget. i just never let go because he's one of the only people who know me and will talk to me). he made a joke about rape. this isn't the first time he has made rape jokes around me.
he doesn't care about the pain he caused me. he doesn't care that he's the reason i've never had a realtionship with a man in my entire life. he doesn't care that i still cry about what happened. he makes fun of the fact that i have no friends. even though his abuse is what made me broken in the first place.
and that man, is one of the only people i have left. and he doesn't fuckin care. other than him, i have my mother. who does not believe in mental illness and won't get me on meds. she doesn't believe i'm depressed. she also knows about the abuse, but has never said a thing, i don't think she cares either. i also have a SO who i see a few times per month. this SO knows that i've been thinking about suicide, but the only words i was told were "how do you expect me to react?!" after crying their life out and leaving shortly after. this is the people i have in my life.
i tried therapy and i stopped going. the doctor was a man who asked me sexual questions, and i got very scared and stopped going. i know i sound paranoid, but i can't help but to be afraid of him. about six months ago, the vet who was taking care of my dog groped me during our session. i was too scared to say anything and i didn't tell anyone about it. if i'm honest, living in this shithole thirdworld country, i was scared that the doctor from therapy would touch me too. i don't want anyone to touch me ever again.
i can't stand being around people. all they do is hurt me. i can't stand being in this world and being nothing. i can't stand that these memories never go away. i can't stand to know that i'm never going to be good for anything. i'm too scared of people (and people are always scared of me too) to ever do anything. i can't make friends, i can't get a job, i can't go outside for too long, i can't even go to therapy for too long, i can't stand this world whatsoever. i hate this place so much. i just want to die. i'll probably just OD. i originally wanted to hang myself, but i heard you can fuck it up and i can't stand the idea of failing and having to to live in pain alone for 20 more years or so.
its christmas time and i'm reliving all my trauma in text form. AWESOME. and i didn't even cover it all cause this post would never end. great. no one is even going to read all of these shit either way
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Just read, won't take long People often assume that they're more intelligent because they're capable of being the dominant person/alpha in social interactions and dialogues .. This goes deep and can be perceived and validated through everyone's personal experiences I'm sure.
Do you ever speak to people who are so confident in themselves, and you ask yourself, how can they be so confident? I think ignorance of the true self and validation of simple-think in modern society sure doesn't help..
Although I must be honest with myself and admit that I'm truly mentally ill and it is no wonder I have a self esteem disorder.
Am I theorizing on the philosophy of self esteem and self worth, because I have very little, and I feel the need to justify it/understand it?
Any thoughts on any of this?
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self.offmychest
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I promised i'd give help one more try Earlier today i stood with a rope in my hands intending to end it. When i was about to tie the knot a huge amount of guilt hit me, so i decided i'd give help one more try. I put the rope away and went to the ER to get myself put in hospital and they just told me off and Said "go see your GP tomorrow". Now i am sitting here even more depressed and i still feel as just as guilty for my baby boy. I can't shake the thought of ending it tonight or tomorrow morning. Not sure what to do right now.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I just don't know.. I am living a good life. Somehow I haven't been happy for 2 months now. Each day it's getting worse. Today I couldn't even get out of bed. Some people called me, but I don't feel like answering. All I wanna do is nothing, and I dont want to do even that. I just feel empty. What's the point of all this? Give me a break, please.
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self.depression
|
I miss someone very much, but can’t talk to them because honestly they’re better off without me and probably don’t wanna talk to me anyway [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Does drug/alcohol-induced bipolar count as real bipolar disorder? Or is it something else?
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self.bipolar
|
Being productive but still feel like shit. I cleaned my room for the first time in months. Like moldy coffee, dried up syrup and pasta sauce, old takeout containers covered in flies, it was bad. Gathered up all my laundry, vacuumed, even cleaned out my closet and organized my bookshelf. Dusted a little, got rid of a lot of old shit and painful memories... my room looks incredible and I always feel so relieved to have my space neat and organized. I always feel so much safer, like I'm finally regaining some control over my life.
Didn't work this time. Still sitting here feeling like crying and with my stomach in knots. Still hate myself. Still feel like a total failure. Can't stop obsessing about every horrible thing in my life and every horrible thing that could happen.
Cleaning my room has always been such a reliable mood boost. I'm on vacation from school and my shitty retail job because I wanted this week to just be about me and recovering from the past two months of horrific depression and unrelenting anxiety. But my one go to that always takes up so so sooooo much energy but with a great payoff has failed and I'm just at a loss.
Idk. I don't really need or want advice, I have other self care skills and all that jazz. I'm just comforted by the fact that you all understand the struggle. Sometimes you just gotta ride out the storm and wait for the clouds to clear and all those other poetic cliches that make me absolutely out of my mind insane... it'll all be ok eventually. It's just the fucking worst right now.
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self.bipolar
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My life is taking a turn for the worst I feel. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I feel stupid for thinking that going into treatment was going to even work. [Rant] [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I am slipping back into depression I have always been depressed, but I haven't been THIS low in a long time. When I was a teenager, I used to cut myself to cope with the pain and I want to do it again, but I am trying my best to not go down that route. I feel completely lost in life. I have no degree or work history due to my mental illness. I try and sleep all day to avoid reality. I know I need to see a therapist.
I just wanted to get this off my chest.
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self.offmychest
|
Got into grad school, but my anxiety is ruining it all... I got into my dream clinical psychology program this past September. A lot of people around me doubted I could make it into the program, but I did.
Somehow, I feel like I cheated my way into the school. I had a close relationship with my research referees and they REALLY advocated for me.. I feel like I barely did anything outstanding as a research assistant for each of them, and yet everything I contributed was greatly exaggerated in my reference letters. I also bombed the GREs.. like really bombed them... and yet I’m in. I had help from Grad students in writing a succinct statement of intent.
Now, I seem to really be struggling with self-comparisons. Everyone around me seems to know what they are doing - they have their shit together.. and I’m an anxious mess. I’m afraid of sounding stupid so I don’t speak up in class. I dread presentations- and we have to do a lot of them for our classes - and I’m constantly worrying about that. I fake having it together to my supervisor so that she doesn’t think she made the wrong choice, but I’m internally terrified every time I meet with her. I have this impending feeling of doom, and a horrible feeling that I’ll get kicked out of the program.
Let me be clear- I still want this. I want to be a psychologist one day. I love helping people one-on-one in clinical settings. But grad school scares me. I don’t feel good enough. I just want to feel adequate and smart compared to my peers. I currently feel like a weirdo, an outsider. I stutter during my in class presentations. I’m always scared that I’ll say something dumb and look like a fraud when it comes to research and so I never say enough. I feel dumb and anxious and I don’t want to. Any advice on overcoming this?
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self.Anxiety
|
I miss being single The thought of being with my boyfriend forever is terrifying. Idk why.
I don’t want to see other people or anything. I just want to be alone.
He hasn’t done anything wrong. I just want to be alone. I think about the future, marriage, I think about a couple years from now and I get anxious.
I think about when I was single and how happy I was then and I feel bad, but I miss it.
What is wrong with me?
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self.offmychest
|
Mental check Check check. My hair slicked back- hot pink running shorts- knee brace- ankle brace- sports bra- camp shirt- headphones in- cellphone in hand- gum in pocket, gum in mouth
Mental check. check. check
I have everything I need for my run
It's late out. 11:00 PM
Why am I still sitting on the bathroom floor and why am I waiting to have this great epiphany
The "AHA" I knew I forgot something moment
I've been here for 30 minutes, I've been here before, I'll be here tomorrow
I'm ready yet I'm not
I am crippled with this soul eating disease called anxiety
It is overwhelming and underwhelming all at once to know you will be here tomorrow, you were here before, you've been here half an hour waiting for yourself to be ready
The most accurate word to describe how this process makes me feel is exhausted
I am exhausted All the time Exhausted Mentally and physically Putting my life on hold and waiting waiting waiting always waiting
It is the kind of exhaustion that creeps into my psyche as I'm crossing the street or watching the train trudge towards me. It screams so quietly so gently "I cannot go on. I cannot live another day so exhausted"
"You should travel while you're young. JUST GO FOR IT. Don't be so scared. You have nothing to lose"
I want to scream "I can't FUCKING move out my front door without a mental breakdown. Please stop FUCKING asking me about when I'm going to travel, where I'm going to travel, what the FUCK I'm doing with my life"
I am consumed by this soul eating disease called anxiety. I am overwhelmed and underwhelmed to watch the deterioration of my soul the depletion of my hopes and dreams the time passing
There is no time to dedicate to the 30 minutes on the bathroom floor. There is no time for I need time, I need time, I need time, please I need time.
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self.Anxiety
|
Im an embarrassment Saturday I had a really good day with my boyfriends family while he slept. I ruined it all after he left at midnight to go to work. I was drunk, I self harmed, and called 911 on myself.
He runs volunteer fire and rescue in the city we live in. People he knows showed up to take me to the hospital. He rushed home from work, barely beating them there.
I was covered in superficial cuts drunk out of my mind trying to maintain a decent conversation about fire and rescue. I scared his mom half to death.
What is wrong with me? I want my brain to stop. 6 hours later when I finally got to talk to behavioral health, they let me go. I wasnt suicidal. Just drunk and broken.
Im such an embaressment. Hes on duty tonight and will see the EMT that picked me up. She knew who I was. He went to work last night with the manager he had to tell what actually was happening. That whole place sees me bring him food all the time.
I never want to leave the house. I dont even want to leave his room to face his mom.
Why couldnt my head let me have one. good. day?
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self.bipolar
|
I've collected a habit of, 'cursing' people. It developed in middle school, where I was bullied for having short hair and being ugly, and generally not appealing to the boys in the school. I have been called ugly and dyke more times than I wanted to count. People would give me glares and act like I was the secondary character in a movie, i'm sure i could think of a better explanation, but not right now.
I don't know about my home life. I was yelled at by my grandmother and there would be days where my mother wouldn't do anything. I had no real father figure in my life and my uncle was, himself. I began to wonder about my body and if I had a better one people would respect me. The men in my life would like me for something. Anything about myself. I began to wish that I looked more feminine and curvy, had long hair and, occasionally, wished I was lightskinned. I began to fantasize about being able to preform femininity properly, and how people would be nicer to me. I wish I didn't feel this way. Why did I have to be born if this is all I am.
I didn't understand how people could be so mean to me but still be happy, but still be okay. How dare you make me feel this way while you just have fun. I bet this is all a simulation test. I bet you're just a test dummy in hell.
So, I began to try something. I would look at the person and start mentally chanting bad things. and wish all the pain that they caused would go to them. The next day I would look at their face and see if they seemed..drained. If they did, I felt...calm. I didn't feel happy. I wish I didn't have to be here. I just felt... a sense of serenity. I continued to do this as a way to 'protect' myself. I didn't stop getting bullied, though, and they often just seemed as happy and free of guilt as before. My situation just kept getting worse. I kept getting bullied. I began to forget things and cry in my sleep. I still do. More vulnerable. I don't know why I'm posting this, this whole post is confusing. Why. I'm still stuck. They're still here. Leave me alone. Why bully me? I'm not even interesting. What have I done to you. I'm sorry this is my body. The only thing keeping me from killing myself is the fact that you're so demonic you won't feel any guilt. You don't even deserve to see me die. I don't know anything anymore
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self.depression
|
can't see too much tears hi sorry.. in new..
All I feel is painful sadness, i can't stop crying. I always want to cry and I cry and continue while I feel pain inside my heart, wishing it would kill me. I am so helpless, so pitiful and worthless.
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self.depression
|
My mother is a hypocritical liar I am furious. My mother wants to be more independent which is fine. Good. So She wanted me to walk to Target where Im planning to get my siblings christmas gifts. Problem: for whatever reason I am rather uncomfortable with walking by myself. She offered to drive me there and pick me up when she's done with her patient. I agreed. Now when its time to go she's saying that it was only a "discussion" and that she's gonna make me walk. Now walking is fine. The point is I'm scared and she knows it. But if I dont do exactly what she wants, what is most comfortable for her she flips out and threatens to kick me out. Now she wants e to walk home, alone and Im scared and she's going back on a promise. But she only threatens me when I bring that up. She's such a hypocrite.
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self.offmychest
|
When will it end? I've been home from college for half a month now and I thought my depression would be better because I'm away from my terrible college but ever since the New Year I've just felt so numb and sad inside. I can't even think of preparing for all the things I have to (I'm going abroad next semester and have so much packing and other things to do that are just completely overwhelming) and my entire semester at school I was looking forward to being home and away from how toxic my college is, but now I'm home and still feel terrible only now the terribleness is numb and vague, not related to immediate things.
I've been looking forward to going abroad because this will only be the second time I've ever left the country (my first trip was Canada and this is a completely different country than the US) and my first time ever on a plane. I'm excited to be away from my college and all that negativity and I keep thinking that whatever the next thing is it'll make everything better but now I'm realizing that that's not the case and it makes me feel terribly suicidal. What's the point of anything? Everything is just going to hurt and I'm never going to be happy or feel anything but depressed so why should I even be alive? I'm so tired of this and just want to die.
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self.depression
|
Here's to you The movement of her voice was the electric shock I needed. Five minutes of conversation with her sparked more excitement than Stonehenge and all of its ancient mystery could. Between the half hearted conversation about the jewelry I was only half interested in purchasing, I asked longing, probing questions about her, and where she was from, and how long she'd been there, and if she liked it? All a slight of hand allowing me a moment to discover half intended pleasantries intended to purchase enough time to investigate the multi shaded flicker I saw glitter in her iris, and whether the flash was aimed intentionally at me or was instead just a product of the bohemian nature of her appearance. As an inexperienced vagabond in her country I inadvertently flushed when she commented something in the direction of the beauty of my "Boston" accent, a flirtation I had to cover my elation at, for the only people who would ever say that some one from Boston sounds beautiful are those with extracurricular motivations, which I saw Devilishly dazzle behind her eyes when she invited me to investigate a necklace she just so happened to lay upon her beautifully porcelain neckline; and I felt I owed it myself to not ruin it with my attempted impersonation of what a real Boston accent sounds like. For recently these moments were rare. I had only recently found strength to pull myself out of the forsaken hovel I had been living in where days wasted away like lost dogs. And sparkling strangers never crossed my path. But here she was. And I forgot how it felt to exist outside and free of the nets of self loathing narratives that trapped me inside my head. So (She wanted more. More time. More conversation. More of me.) summoning any dormant reserves of courage left lying in the recesses of my rib cage, I attempted my best and only move: forth right but politely modest honesty. Or:Tell it like it fucking is and hope she revels in the freedom of not feigning detachment from those of the desired sex as method for attracting romance. And it fucking worked. It's actually a pretty good move. Secretly no one likes those games. Cat and mouse is amusing, sure, for a time. When you're a kid. Maybe. But , now we are slightly older and slightly wiser for it so we get to bypass that bullshit. Not however bold enough to skip past all pleasantries and conversation and jaded courtship to fall into the warm release of a late night in with a bottle of wine and a warm blanket and a movie neither of us pay attention to. Now was the time for a late night out on the town with us playing the roles of two dignified young adults raised to uphold high standards when it comes to the perquisites of a carnal interaction. (Skip to stiff drinks) andwhat a night we would have, for I have had it before. As a young man with a recently sutured heart who found solice in these physical pleasantries, I already had the vapid and charming nothings I hoped to woo her with loaded into the chamber.
Full of conversations driven by naive and idealistic beliefs about how our collective self should manifest, stiff drinks, raging intent driven eye contact, and hopefully at the end of all the conversations about what's wrong in the world, we can forget about it all and find comfort within each other under the covert innocence of a warm night in November.
Not so old that we skip the thrill of convincing ourselves that we aren't complete heathens by hopping into being with a complete stranger at the first opportunity, but old enough now that the teenage games of trying to appear cool are now replaced by intimate conversations of what we like to pretend our ideal selves will be like. Oh What a night it will be. Hopefully, Full of our idealistic beliefs about what the self should manifest as, stiff drinks, raging intent driven eye contact, and hopefully, we forget about the world for just long enough to find some comfort within each other.
Phone number
Stress text
Wait
And so she would meet me that night. I would slip out from the slightly forced jubilance of a family dinner, and meet her at a local pub. The old boar or the black dog, something like that. I buzzed the whole walk back home, there was always an rush of endorphins when a girl expressed her interest in me. In my even younger years I struggled to keep myself in the favor of any girl for longer than half a conversation before saying something stupid. I had only recently learned how to flirt with any finesse past that of a ten year old. The only way I could seem to display my addition was through sarcasm and occasionally making fun of the bits of honestly coming from whomever I was talking, basically the slightly more mature version of pulling a girls pigtail to show her you liked her. After a few months in college of trying to pretend I wasn't not as shy or inexperienced as I was I learned to lean into these flaws. Rather than cover my insecurities with irony and alcohol, I found people actually liked honesty. So with shy and coyly inadvertent eye contact I had asked her if she wanted to maybe show me around town for a while. She tried to stifle a giggle. That was it. She was keen. My sheepish appearance turned into a smile and I raised my eyes to meet hers. I'd love to, she replied in the most beautiful accent id ever heard
Literally the most perfect sentence I had heard all year.
I replayed that conversation six times on my walk back from the bazaar to the cottage my parents rented. It rested, tucked away from the towns main road, down a dirt path that curved around horse stables, grazing sheep and empty, enormous fields. It was late November and the trees had held their leaves for unusually long this year, leaving the landscape painted with splashes of orange washing out against the desolate browns of the acres and acres of ever lasting earth. The sky swirled with whispers of grey and a cool light played with the untucked locks of my hair. It had been about a year now since I had cut it all back. It now sat curled and unruly in a bun at the back of my scalp. It's length rivaling the mop of hair forcibly shaved off by my parents before being sent of to boarding school at 13, coinsciding with the end of my rebellious phase and into the pursuit of proper past times like pottery and sports teams instead of long bike rides to punk shows in other people's parent's basements. I forgot how I liked it long. It gave me a certain canvas for how I felt that day. I could shyly wear my bangs low over my face on the days when I could hardly pull myself out of bed. But today was not one of those days. I rose early and downed enough coffee to give a toddler a heart attaxk and became Determined to find something to fill the quota of shopping I had to do for the upcoming Christmas season, a holiday I had only recently begun to question my participation In given that I was both poor and not Christian. But I made it into society today and purchased a pair of grey and amber earrings from the beautiful bohemian girl I was to meet later.
Still lost in the replay of our conversation I rounded the road and passed through the gates into the driveway of the cottage. My father had recently returned from the grocery and saw me lazily close the gate. close the gate! Always worried about the security of locked doors and alarmed systems and where I was headed, he tried to come off as a care free man, but upon closer investigation the weight of 55 years of this type of thinking clearly worked their way into the creases of his face. I mumbled my apology and plugged in my headphones, by far the easier option than getting into another one way discussion about the perils of a slightly ajar driveway gate really were. With a ska rhythm reverberating into my eardrums and down my spine I pushed my way past my dad to the trunk of the car. He protested but I wouldn't have it. Shouldering six bags full of turkey legs and precursory requirements of pumpkin pie and determined to make it in one trip, i trudged down the path in towards the cottage, my muscles screaming at me for not stretching more. It truly was a beautiful old building, supported by solid oak with large framing windows and a door large enough to fit two average size Americans side by side the whole thing seemed pulled from a storybook......and I hadn't been very optimistic like she had made me optimistic in a very long time because when we were talking I thought for those fifteen minutes in between the lines of the songs she sang I thought it was all going to happen for the first time in years.
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self.offmychest
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Christmas backsliding into misery Tried to off myself ten months ago over gay unrequited love with my bestfriend, who had cut me out his life a year or so before. Felt like absolute shit but I climbed out of it; stopped drinking, lost 50 pounds, got my dream job working in Parliament (UK). But my issues with this guy have never gone away, even as I got healthier, mentally and physically.
Now its Christmas and hearing about all my friends, who are all mutual, seeing him and his new girlfriend are killing me. Every Christmas Eve we all go to the pub 5 minutes from my house. Last night I knew he was there but couldn't go round to see him and its killed me.
I'm tempted to go NYE and see him, try and show him I'm better again and become mates again. I know it probably won't work, but its that or slipping back under the quagmire of depression, cutting myself again or swallowing pills.
Worst bit is I can see my depression on my family's faces, as they realise I'm slowly slipping back into misery, but I can't do anything about it.
No idea what to do.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Possible misdiagnosis For the last 6-7 years I've had a diagnosis of severe Clinical Depression and Anxiety disorder. I was on Citalopram, but last year they switched me to Venlafaxine because the Citalopram was no longer working.
I've spent the last 2 years in privately funded therapy and I've been practicing CBT.
Prior to moving to Venlafaxine, I self harmed but never considered suicide. I also had / still have binge eating disorder.
Since the medication change, I have begun having suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self harm, and I have noticed that I have periods of huge motivation and excessive living, especially spending money and commitment to hobbies, work and education which very quickly fall into abandonment when the "episode" ends and I sink back into depression.
Over time, I realised that I recognised the excessive episodes as taking place throughout my life. Thinking back, I can trace a pattern back to at least my teenage years. The episodes were a lot longer then and each time, I would interpret them as "recovery" from my depression.
The escalation and increased speed of changes has made me wonder if I have been misdiagnosed, and if I am actually bipolar. I'm now being treated by the mental health team, and am going to request an assessment for bipolar at my next appointment. However when I mentioned this to my GP, I was told not to "self diagnose" and she made me feel like I was attention seeking.
Does anyone have experience of being misdiagnosed? I'm worried that the mental health team won't take me seriously :/
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self.bipolar
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Does anyone feel bad when people are going through a lot and get depressed when I have a normal life and I still am depressed Does anybody look at posts from depressed people saying things like "I was raped as a kid and I can't stand my parents being murders and taking everything I own for drugs" then there's me with a "normal life" but still feel like I'm a useless piece of shit.
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self.depression
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I even failed at killing myself lol I tried to overdose on miscellaneous meds and drown myself but failed and recently got into self harm. I'm a failure and I wish I would just due already. My girlfriend broke up with me because my depression was to hard to handle. Im sick of hurting myself just to please others. Ive gotten close to killing myself so it doesn't seem as unattainable as it once was. It's always in my head of how easily I could end it all. I know I will do it soon so I'm repaying all my debts and saying goodbye to everyone who tried to help me - 1/24/18
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self.SuicideWatch
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Went to get my initial lithium blood work and ECG done And the nurse started asking questions about why I’m getting so many tests done. I told her that I have bipolar disorder and that I’m starting a new medication that requires all the tests. Her response made me cringe. She said: ‘but you look normal. You’re too pretty to be bipolar’ and then went on to ask what my manic episodes look like and asked ‘do you kick and scream when it hits you?’
People in the medical field need to be more educated on mental illness and need to stop saying these silly things.
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self.bipolar
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Cat purring I found an app that allows you to listen to cats purring for free and for as long as you want. Great for people who can't actually have a cat but still want the comfort of cat purring! Just look up cat purring in the app store. Thought it was neat and needed to share that this was a thing.
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self.Anxiety
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I wouldn’t be ill if I was in a different place. I honestly think that my illness is situational and if I didn’t live where I do and with the people I do like my family and my boyfriend I wouldn’t be ill. I really know I need to get away and then I’ll be better. Does anybody have any suggestions on starting fresh? Where can I go so that they don’t worry about me but I can get away from them and go to a different place? I love them and I don’t want to hurt them but the situation is making me ill and I know u wouldn’t be ill if I wasn’t in it.
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self.bipolar
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I can't find a place for myself Hey /r/suicidewatch,
I've been a reader for a while now, but never thought that I'll be the OP one day. I haven't done anything to myself yet, but I am walking on mighty thin ice. I made this throwaway some friends that monitor my original Reddit account could not trace it back to me. I've been keeping this to myself for far too long and now I am at the brink of suicide, therefore this is my cry for help.
I am overfilled with the feeling of guilt that is pushing me to end it, yet haven't done anything criminal ( I did not kill/hurt anyone, nor did I steal something), my situation is something I've been fighting since September's 2nd week until this very same day. I am a nineteen year old male who's life was mediocrely good up until that point. Then, at second week of university I stopped attending, by December 1st I have been withdrawn without academic penalty. I have been battling depression and just general laziness at that point. But in the last few weeks it has gotten worse, because the thought of me losing $1500 for that semester my mother paid for is horrible, also I've been getting $25 a week to eat in the university which I've been using to save up for video games and buy random clothes. My mother is a hard working woman that sacrificed so much to put me in the place where I am now, for that I am very thankful. I have been stealthy skipping university for the whole time and she has no idea, she thinks that I am learning great there and everything is well for me and here I am, writing a post why I am considering suicide. So, to get straight to the point, I want to come clean to my mother the upcoming Friday, tell her everything I've done and hid from her for about half a year now, I do not know how she will react to the truth since it is horrible, but if she cannot forgive me then suicide is the only way out since I can't live with this guilt. Please advise.
PS: I do not know if my depression has anything to do with it, but I've been medically diagnosed with medium severity of depression (not self-diagnosed). I've been taking Xanax to battle my depression, but it has gotten to the point that it doesn't help anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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How do I release anger in a healthy way? [removed]
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self.depression
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Anyone wanna die but don’t wanna be the ones to kill themselves? I feel I deserve a harsher punishment. I don’t want to be here anymore but I also feel I’m taking the easy way out if I do it myself.
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self.depression
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Just done with it. I have zero reason to continue living. There is NOTHING anyone can say to convince me otherwise.
I made a pros and cons list of committing suicide and it was 22 pros to 3 cons.
The one girl i loved more than anything committed suicide earlier this year.
The girl I have/had now doesn’t want to talk to me.
I’m not appreciated at my job.
I’ve grown farther apart from my friends.
I hate my parents.
I was bullied mercilessly as a child, and I now realize had major lasting damage.
I’m constantly struggling with money, and was homeless for a time earlier this year.
I need to die.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Going to the doctor tomorrow, don't know what to say [deleted]
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self.depression
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wish i could, but i don't know how and i'm too scared i've been depressed since year 5, and after I found out how much my parents could give less of a fuck about my mental well-being.
i don't feel like moving and everything seems pointless
i was so close to doing it today, even though i didn't get anything that could kill me it felt as strong as ever.
i don't like leaving the bed anymore and i can't concentrate in class anymore. I lost a friendship I tried really hard to keep on going. My "best friend" keeps on lying to me. I can tell she only uses me for the things that i have. My dream was crushed by my mum and i really can't go on without feeling like a failure.
i used to go therapy, but i hated it. Now i'm a closed case. I can only get help if i go to A&E and i'm too scared to go back.
i also can't eat anymore. it makes me feel like garbage and like i'm extremely obese. Nobody has noticed that either
Advice?? I really want to feel better
i don't want to die, i just feel like i must.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Two steps forward, one step back I haven't posted here before, but I need to vent. I've struggled with depression my whole life (M23), and I've been making a lot of progress the last year, partly because of a strong wish and increasing will to change my behaviour, including a couple of psychedelic experiences. Now, I can feel the heaviness in my bones and head again, and I'm worried I'll break down.
Starting university has been amazing for my social life and confidence, but it didn't take long before I slipped into old habits. I'm a lazy fuck and procrastinate literally everything, which makes me feel horrible, which in turn completely incapacitates my efforts to make it through the semester. I feel useless and stupid because I can't get my shit together. Even though I know there are no shortcuts, I can't seem to just fucking do what needs to be done. My first exam is in less than two weeks, and I'm honestly fucked. I never fucking learn.
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self.depression
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First time seeking therapy: psychologist or psychiatrist? This is my first time finally seeking to speak with a therapist after living with depression for over a decade. When I booked my appointment over the phone for a psychologist, I didn’t realize until looking at my upcoming appointments that I was booked to see a psychiatrist. Does it matter? Not that I’m opposed to medication, my preconceived notions tell me that a psychiatrist will just try to medicate me whereas a psychologist with try starting with other methods. Thoughts?
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self.depression
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Just want to say goodbye if you're here to talk me out of this, get the fuck out. I don't want any "oh don't do it people care about you" bullshit or anything like that. in just saying goodbye, hopefully I will get a friendly goodbye in return. I don't want to hear anything else.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Maybe we need to learn how to coexist with depression instead of trying to get rid of it. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Does anyone else like gloomy weather? I'm outside right now and I absolutely like when the sky is covered by rain clouds and it's not raining. This is the ideal weather for me, it's chilly out and it's really relaxing. I like rain but not as much when I'm actually outside.
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self.depression
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Sometimes i have strange thoughts, they're like what schizophreniac world think. What are they caused by? Are they intrusive? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Does anyone feel like crying helps them. I love crying just letting it out of my system so I can feel numb and finally get something done.
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self.depression
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Does anyone experience bipolar and BPD? How do you differentiate symptoms?
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self.bipolar
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I understand that the hallucinations I experience aren't real, but they still look real and sound and feel so real.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My life is is a disaster. Hostile family life, about to drop out of college, nothing is going for me. I can’t even get out of bed anymore to go to work let alone school. My parents constantly fighting with my younger brother who I have to worry about at all times cause he’s heading down a worse path. I want to help him but he just says “fuck off” to me. I can’t do anything. My body is taking a toll. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t even think straight anymore. I’m getting tired of this.
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self.depression
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Don’t know which is worse- crying after you masterbate or being proud that you didn’t cry after you masterbated. Have done both in the last two days. Maybe it’s a good sign that I feel alive enough to even want to bother. How’s that for optimism?
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self.depression
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Life just doesn’t seem worth it anymore. I’m so tired of everything.
Every few days I have a terrible breakdown that leaves me wanting to kill myself. I spend the next few days slowly but surely reassuring myself. Then there’s only one good day and it happens again. And again. And again.
School is physically and mentally draining. I want to cry. All I want to do is cry. I want to make myself bleed or jump off a bridge.
It’s been five years. It gets worse for me each year. I’m at the point where I’m so done with life I don’t feel like anything can be fixed at this point.
Yes. I have friends that care. I have a loving family that also care. That’s the only thing that’s stopping me from killing myself. I already have two therapists and have switched antidepressants too many times.
I’m done. I don’t know why I keep living like this. Everyone tells me it’s going to get better but it hasn’t. I’m not going to spend my whole life for a handful of good days. That’s not living.
I can’t focus at all when I’m at school. I didn’t know anything on my math test and completely failed. I can’t talk to anyone because I get aggravated too easily with them. I wish they just knew what I’m thinking.
It was hard enough telling my parents I had depression the first time. I can’t tell them I’m thinking about suicide. I don’t know what to do. Life is too horrible to keep on living, but at the same time, there’s people who care.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Finally got back at my boyfriend for that horrible thing he did to me [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I've fucked things up too much I ruined my best friend's life. She's now stuck living her worst nightmare, forced to give up her dream and instead watch her mind and body fall apart, all the whole stuck with the one who put her there. She hates me, wants nothing to do with me or our son, who i can't take care of on my own. The only thing i can do for her is to get my parents to adopt him and kill myself in a way that looks like an accident so she can collect the insurance and be free of both of us.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Overdosed on NyQuil? Please respond I bought a 8 oz bottle of NyQuil and drunk maybe 1/4 of the bottle(down to the top off the rapper) 7 hours ago. I was drowsy for a bit and now it's just minor head pain(nothing major or severe) and I can't sleep at all. I looked it up and people are saying they've drunken far more frequently and slept it off. But I can't sleep so my mind is just racing and I'm starting to get paranoid. I don't really have any other symptoms. No pain or anything. I've overdosed on medication before and this feels about the same as those times. One of the reasons I didn't go to the hospital this time is that every time I've told the hosoptial "hey I've overdosed on x could you check my vitals and stuff" they immediately put me on inpatient care list or attempt to 302 me and by the time I get admitted my body has worked through w.e I ingested.
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self.depression
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Give me one good reason I should keep trying? Every time I make a stride against my anxiety, I take two back because something happens in my life. First my uncle dies, then I'm becoming more confrontational with my SO who I love to pieces and now my dog has a slipped disc in her spine. It's almost like everyone I hold near is either getting physically or emotionally abused.
I blame it all on anxiety, a selfish illness by any other name. It didn't kill my uncle or hurt my dog, but it's making me become more toxic little by little. I stopped self harming long ago but today I bashed my legs with a hammer in frustration after arguing with my SO. I even tried to choke myself with a hoodie sleeve. Not to kill myself but to injure myself. I love her to death and she loves me but I think she deserves better than a walking piece of debris like me.
What's more is earlier in the week I promised to try and take more steps to control my anxiety and depression, then life decides to dump a load of shit on me. At first I could deal with it, but a man can only deal with so much BS before he gives up, and I reached my breaking point.
So again I ask, why should I bother living if all that's going to happen to me is shit like this? The only reason I stopped choking myself was because the phone rang and I got distracted. I want a reason to continue trying because everything else is going to shit
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self.SuicideWatch
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Panic attacks have been on and off and I only beat half of them lately Hey everyone, I’d love to describe my situation as of late, and gain some insight from you folks. Be it, techniques, advice, stories, anything really. Reddit helps ground me sometimes.
I’ve had general anxiety for a long time now, or at least been aware of it for a while. About 5 years ago I started experiencing my first real panic attacks. Some even in public that ended with me puking in a family member’s car. Someone I don’t see too often.
Things calmed down as I pushed through life and did things like worked retail, and moved to a new city with my girlfriend. Then the last year things flared up bad again, and the panic attacks resumed. I decided to start seeing a psychologist about 7 months ago and that’s been helping somewhat. Him and I discovered that somethings in my previous career were deeply rooted into my panic triggers.
Now, the last 2 years I’ve been working a job that comes with a high responsibility and requires me to travel a little bit (travelling is a huge trigger). One of my biggest triggers though, is meetings and being expected to sit in rooms for any period of time. Lately, I had to attend a conference for work (3 days of meetings and seminars) and I made it through. Barely, I actually ran out of one meeting from a panic attack. But that was only 1 out of a handful. So I see it as a win.
Today, I had a full blown panic attack in a car wash. I was thinking about how it would suck to be panicky in a car wash. And at the time I was not panicky or even generally anxious. But I think my body thinks things like “why aren’t you anxious now? This is the thing you don’t like”. So, when we got into the big car wash thing and the water and soap started flying it really happened. I sat for about a minute and then I lost it. My heart raced to an extremely high rate, I got sweaty and dizzy instantly. I decided to just drive out and luckily the door opened automatically and I was allowed to leave.
Anyways. This is one of about 4 panic attacks I’ve had over the last 4 weeks or so. Another one involved me in a line to meet one of my idols at a meet and greet. I was next in line and I just couldn’t do it. Heart racing, etc. To a point where I thought I was going to pass out.
Lately has not been fun.
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self.Anxiety
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We're all Depressed on some level What's different is how we coup with the depressing thing we call life.
Some choose drugs, some sugary foods, others live on edge with risky activities, many choose copious amounts of coffee and cigarettes. Most turn to religion - the belief that there's a higher power; the idea that there is a life better than this one after we die gives people something to look forward to.
The only people that seem to be "happy" are those that are too stupid to question life, authority, and a higher power. Only in ignorance can you live in bliss.
But it's all a lie. It's all a way to coup with the fact that we live in an ultimately meaningless Universe. That there's unnecessary death, violence, and we are no longer in control of our lives. That the government actively works to control us, while corporations work to monetize us.
We're simply feeding the machines that cause us to feel the way we do. Everything (drugs, entertainment, food, sex, religion) is a distraction to what is really going on - war, massive wealth inequality, the machine actively controls us. We willingly live in ignorance as the truth is far too depressing.
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self.depression
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You should be thankful that you can support yourself Just a message to all you who have jobs that net you enough earnings to live on your own. I don't give a flying fuck how unfulfilling you find your job or your daily 9-5 fucking grind. At least you have that fucking job. I don't give a fuck if it's a high stress job that takes up most of your time. Be fucking thankful goddamit because not all of us have the fucking privilege to even have that.
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self.depression
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What is the appeal in going further? I am an 18 y/o m living in germany and I am depressed since 2013, suicidal since 2015, on psychiotic treatment since 2016 and on meds since 4 months. Don't see the appeal in living, when I was a kid I did not think about anything regarding life, all I was doing was go to school and play video games, and I was fearing the day that I would be done with school because then I would have to think about what I want to do with my life, and I didn't know the answer to that question because I just do not see the appeal in life. When I was in 10th grade i skipped around 150 lessons because of my depression. At the end, my grades were still good enough to continue in 11th grade (in germany you graduate after 10 classes but if your grades are good enough you can go to school for 3 more years and get a bonus graduation that lets you go to university). So I just did that because my mom wanted me to do so ( that was 2016), but my depression got so bad that I all I could think of in school was of how I could make me jumping from the 3rd floor look like an exident, because of that I started skipping school again and after a rough month I just wanted to drop out because the thoughts were getting worse and worse, so I told my mother about them. After that she took me out of school and went to a psychologist with me. The psychologist always tells me that I should take babysteps to partake in life, then I tell her that I don't see the appeal in life to begin with and all I do is sit in front of my computer and play league of legends / watch streams to kill time. I told her I don't want to kms because that would break my mother's heart and she has already went through enough (my father was killed when I was not even one year old and that broke her), but I also don't want to live and she can't provide me with a satisfying answer, I don't even know how one could look like in this instance, I guess you can't have the cake and also eat it. My mother is very supportive since she only wants me to be happy, the sad part is that I don't know what could make me happy. The other family members that are close to me are my cousin and my grandmother. My cousin tries to help me but she has alot going on with her work and so I rarely see her and also she lacks the knowledge on the topic to help me. And my grandmother is one of those "in the soviet union there was no depression, we had just work! Depression is just a product of the USA enforced through the internet to put everyone on medication", so yeah... Other than family I only have one friend irl, I used to have a couple in school but I almost never hanged out with them outside of class and most of them startet drinking, smoking weed and popping pills a lot so a lost contact to all of them. The one friend that I have irl is a pretty close one actually, I know him since we were in kindergarden (not together, he just was my neighbour, that is were I know him from). We talk regularly and meet occasionally. Most of the time we play league of legends together, that is a shared intrest I guess, but I feel like he is really trying to live his life while I am not, or while I can't, or while I just don't want to, idk what is up with me. I have never talked with him about my mental state, all I did was make jokes about me being depressed / suicidal / socially anxious as a coping mechanism, but I guess I am going to tell him about my situation via sending this thread to him without context. I don't know what to tell more, I feel like this was a bit much and a bit unstructured, took me a couple hours to finally get myself to finish it. Help me please if you can, I would appreciate it because I am pretty helpless at this point since the meds don't really help me that much. If you have a question that might give you the needed information to helping me you can AMA. Have fun.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I feel like I’m just floating through life inside a bubble that’s just waiting to be popped [deleted]
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self.depression
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It's the loneliness.. I can't I can't take it anymore. Sometimes going days without speaking. Not having anyone to talk to. I miss smiling and laughing. I don't even want to get out of bed anymore because I'm so depressed. I just recently lost my job too and if just adds on to the stress. I'm so fucking sad that I just want to end my life now. I honestly don't see my life heading anywhere. I'm a failure at life.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Mania and Cats So, today I got asked about how I know when I'm hypomanic and I half jokingly said "I adopt cats." Except it's pretty true, I know have 3 cats adopted over my last 2 hypo episodes, and while I'm able to care for and feed them I'm so terrified that I won't always be able to. I have to move and I'm going back to school, and finding an affordable place to live is a challenge even more so with pets. I think I found some where for this year, but I'm so worried I won't be able to again.
Part of my thinks I should surrender them to the humane society now so they don't have a rocky future, the other part of me can't stand the idea because I love them all so much and having them is a huge reason I'm still alive.
Tl;DR I'm a terrible person who adopts cats when hypomanic.
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self.bipolar
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I want to die I want to die so bad, everything hurts. I can't trust my feelings with anyone except strangers on the internet, because when I tell people that i feel bad, they go away. My ex was really sad and she had to leave me because I would make her even more sad, my friend left me too. I had a great christmas but its making it harder to end it and im so caught up and hopeless and i just want to kill myself
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self.SuicideWatch
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When I look in the mirror.. I ask the person I see, "who are you?" I follow up with a "fuck you."
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self.depression
|
I’m getting kicked out and it’s making me depressed. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Hi I’m really sad and I feel like I’m going to try and kill myself tonight all I have in life is my dog and I just want to talk to someone before I kill myself or try at least I don’t want to be in pain anymore
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self.SuicideWatch
|
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