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I hate groupthink which implies summer is categorically better than winter People at work, around the internet, in life look at me like I'm Eeyore, so typically I bite my tongue.
Weather's getting colder. Awesomeeeeee
Days get darker earlier. Awesomeeeeee
I'm not being cynical / deliberately depressing / sarcastic. I fucking love this time of year - it's only the beginning. Bring on the snow, bring on the winter, bring on skiing. Keep your tropical vacations and snow bird lifestyle.
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self.offmychest
|
Psychosis or extreme anxiety? I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder. Lately, I've been very scared that someone, in particular, is out to get me. I told this person that I didn't want to have sex with him, and even though he said it was "totally cool", I'm afraid that he is out to kidnap me and hold me hostage. I've been set on this thought for a little more than a week. I've been afraid to leave my house. I am very sensitive to little noises. I have a hard time sleeping at night because I'm constantly "checking". I called the police last night because I was afraid, and they pretty much looked at me like I was insane. I've been dropping a lot of plans with friends because I don't want to be in public. I've also been afraid that someone is trying to poison my food, so I won't eat anything that isn't prepared in front of me. Is this psychosis, paranoia or extreme anxiety?
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self.Anxiety
|
What meds have worked for you? I’ll keep this brief but have any of you found success in meds other than benzos? Lamictal really helped me with depression but idk about anxiety.
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self.Anxiety
|
one of the five reasons my brains aren't on my bedroom wall yet died yesterday.. i feel like a deer caught in fucking headlights..
wish i was dead instead
</3 rip ☆LiL PEEP☆
fuck..
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self.depression
|
Anyone else feel constrained by their Medications? So yeah, each evening I take Latuda, which needs to be taken with 350kcals and Seroquel which I can't take anywhere but in my flat due to severe sedation. I feel sometimes like my meds constrict what I can and can't do in the evenings. It's my birthday today and I'd love to go out for drinks (or a coke for me, I don't drink) but once again my meds stop me from doing what I want to do. Sorry guys, spent the day feeling sorry for myself like I always do- was just wondering if anyone has had similar experiences?
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self.bipolar
|
JUST REALIZED THE ICON FOR THIS SUB CHANGES FROM SMILE TO FROWN WHEN YOU HOVER OVER IT. Life changed. That is all.
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self.bipolar
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Every time my boyfriend says goodnight or goodbye I get into a depressed mood [deleted]
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self.depression
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What kind of supportive texts would you like to receive While in your depressive state? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
No motivation and I finally know why. I'm tired of people controlling my life. I'm tired of not doing what I want to do. **I'm too smart for the world to put it lightly.** No, that's not why I have no motivation, it's why I wont be able to mask it with any of your "suggestions." No offense to those who find happiness or the ability to mask everything with one thing or another and just pull through life, but I'm not a sucker. I am well aware that **nobody** lives life for themselves, and that, I cannot deal with. You/We all live life for some one else, multiple other people to be exact. Unless you're every move is for some one else, you're not truly a citizen of society, and this, I do not want to deal with. I'm only 16 years old but I'm not some angsty
little bastard who'll get over it. That's just code word for, once again, no offense, getting dumber and more gullible for whatever
the reason may be. I simply don't want to live life for others, that's why I always calmly and rationally contemplate suicide. Ever since my childhood, I've been living my life for my parents. I go to school because of my parents. I do nothing else but small, quickly-passing things of pleasure like playing video games for myself. But that's it. And that's all there's ever going to be, because in the **honest** words of my parents, it's only going to get harder. Everyone here on r/depression loves to say "it gets better", but no, you just get more gullible and brainwashed, but I don't see that happening to me. It all starts with school. School is not
purposed to give you knowledge, it's purposed to make sure
you're ingrained and beaten down enough for what's to come
in adulthood. For the past 2, almost 3 years, I've been routinely
failing school because I don't do my schoolwork. Why? I don't want to. I don't want to and thus I don't have any motivation. So you know what they're doing to me for not having motivation for
something I don't care about? They're going to make me sit in
court and likely punish me. Yes, that smells of a desire to give
knowledge to others. In reality, they're pissed off that I'm not
conforming to society and being a good little brainwashed bi-
product and doing what they want me to do. Many of you will
say, "But you can actually learn crucial stuff from school", well
**I don't care to learn that stuff. I don't care to do anything to "further myself in the eyes of everyone else." I don't care to do
anything "worth while,"** but there's no option in society to do
that. **So I'd rather just kill myself.** But guess what? There's
no true option for that either, so if I wanted to do that, I'd have
to not tell anyone and depending on my method of suicide, leave
my corpse to rot somewhere, likely in a huge mess, only for some one to find in horror, instead of being euthanized by professionals and immediately buried. And guess why? **Because society discourages suicide.** It **always gets better**(Aka: You'll get gullible and stupid with happiness and content for what others want of you if you really try). And before you say, "Think of your loved ones", my friends are just going to have to deal with it, if they are really my friends they wouldn't want me to suffer, and if thinking about what my parents have wanted for me for all of my life up until now wasn't enough, they brought me into this world against my will and now expect me to do everything they want like I'm their little robot that they built, so fuck that. This was more of a rant than anything looking for sympathy or answers, because I already have my answers, just putting this here for people who might feel the same but don't know exactly why. Not encouraging suicide but certainly am for myself, your life is yours and it's your choice to do with it what you will.
|
self.depression
|
I'm still alive I don't want to be, but I am.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
[NAW] My therapist got arrested for child pornography I don't know what to say. I trusted him for four years now. I never made any other friends and every time I was having an episode my parents called him and got an appointment usually that day. He knew my pain. I'm not sad or suicidal I just feel hurt. I think I'm in shock. I don't want advice on how to deal with it it's just I don't have anyone to tell this to anymore and I'd rather not know who I'm talking to from this point on.
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self.offmychest
|
i feel fake do you ever feel like you're faking your depression? Like i see people here who really are in a horrible place and I feel invalidated or fake, like I'm a liar to myself and to others. I take meds and atm I feel absolutely nothing but I don't know if i'm faking or what i'm so confused. i've self harmed but without any reason too
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self.depression
|
If I were being completely rational I'd probably do it. I only have one reason left to live, my daughter. I don't want her to go through life saddled with the burden of her father abandoning her. I also don't want her to go through life saddled with the burden of having a father who is a broken shell of a man. I have seen therapists, I even was trained as a "peer helper" (basically student suicide prevention) in high school, i know all the things people are supposed to say, and all the things I'm supposed to think. Nothing helps. The truth is that my life is an epic failure. I am extremely talented and creative but have been unable to turn that into a living. I have been given every opportunity, including attending the second most prestigious music college in the country, but made nothing of it. I am still madly in love with my wife. She is beautiful and smart and caring but hasn't been in love with me for a long time, and last night she confirmed that it's been years since she's desired physical intimacy with me and would prefer it if we just didn't anymore. My whole life I have felt that a day job is worse than death. I have failed at every job I've tried. I have enough college credits for a masters degree, but they are all random and don't even add up to an associate. I sold my car, my most prized possession, in order to pay the rent for a few more months. I have possibly the greatest kid in the world, my daughter who is 3, but i feel our bond breaking as the darkness creeps in. If i were to describe my situation in third person to anyone I know they would say "wow, that dude is a worthless piece of shit, she should leave him and find someone better" and they'd be right. I keep thinking maybe I should check myself in somewhere, but besides the fact that I don't know if that's even a real thing for someone in my financial situation, nothing would change while I'm there. My problems aren't imaginary things that can be talked or medicated away. I would still be unemployed and unemployable, my wife would probably be even more distant but also never feel at ease again, my daughter would feel abandoned. Plus it's the holidays and that would ruin their Christmas. I want to want to be alive so fucking bad. I don't think I have for a year, maybe two.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I should have listened to my gut feeling and I should have never gone.
Before I went, I kept thinking I shouldn't go. But I have anxiety. I know a lot of people in the world believe that there is no spiritual side to life. But I believe there is and sometimes I wonder if someone is trying to tell me something. But honestly, it's probably just anxiety, and the times it sticks out to me is just coincidence, no matter how many times it has happened.
We broke up a few months ago, it was blurry to me why it happened. I had been busy with a new job that I had just started a few weeks before, and I knew you were busy with your job. We were a bit long distance and we just grew apart for a couple of weeks. I wasn't bothered by it because we had periods of time where it was like that- things always picked up again, I think it is perhaps natural. Once it had gone on for over two weeks and I was having trouble getting you to talk to me (!!!) I realized something was actually up this time. We broke up- I didn't fight it because I figured it was probably for the best. I still loved you. But I knew love wasn't enough to fix someone who didn't want to change things. Someone who was ultimately so different from me. I was, and still am, a stereotypical straight edge Christian girl who never swore, had never kissed a boy, and did not drink or do drugs. You are a common boy of our current culture- you did and said whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted. I never came into this trying to change you, because I didn't think I could. But from meeting me, you told me you would stop everything I was uncomfortable with and shape yourself into someone I could feel easy with. I should have stuck to my guns and kept saying no, no, no. But there was just something about you that I loved and I was weak to your pleading. You did stop doing those things you said you would stop, anyway. It felt unfair of me to not give you a chance. So I did.
But sometimes I wish I never got involved with you. Sometimes I wish I had never met you. I love you, I really do. I want nothing but good for you. My heart aches when you do something you shouldn't and hurt from it. And of course, in my heart of hearts, I really am glad to have met you. You are a unique person and you are special to me. But I am so weak to you! You break my heart so easily!
I did the math, and figured out you started smoking pot again, weeks before you even told me it was over between us. And I wouldn't have known if my friend didn't make a casual comment about it! You just acted like you did nothing that would have upset me at all. I know lots of people are fine with marijuana, and that's cool for them. However, I am not, and it was understood between us that it was a dealbreaker for me. That I trusted you not to do that while we were together. I don't know why that hurts me so much, but it does. It's not even the exact matter, it's that you did something I completely (naively!) trusted you not to do. And it's definitely coming back to bite you. You want to get back together with me, but I'm so conflicted now. On one hand, I'm still weak to you. I still love you. I still enjoy you and love talking to you and seeing your perspective on life. But on the other hand, you broke my trust? You even started looking for other girls at least a week before you broke up with me. If I had realized this even just two days ago, I would be alright. I would have been hurt, but I would be healing and walking further away from you. But I didn't find out until I drove to your city, met you again at an event, and spent hours with you one-on-one, thus sealing it in your mind that we should try to restart things. I'm not entirely sure why you broke up with me in the first place. I know it was difficult to be in a relationship with me. I asked for a lot when it came to life changes for you. But you wanted to try this in the first place. You argued with me when I said I didn't think it would work out. You led me to believe you were happy with the changes you made and that it was all worth it. I know you're heavily attracted to me. I guess I shouldn't let that hold any importance... You'll find other girls that you're attracted to in the future, just as much as you are to me, I'm sure. I'm not that special, no matter what you think in the moment that you're looking at me. I still carried a torch for you the 3 or 4 months between our break up and now, for some unknown reason. I don't think I was looking to restart things, but I guess I must have been, otherwise, I wouldn't have asked you if you wanted me to drive you home that night.
But I'm so sad that you did those things. Maybe I can't be that upset, we didn't see each other that often (because you still don't have your license, for some reason, and I am at the mercy of borrowing other's cars to drive an hour and a half to see you, because I do not currently own my own car) and that's bound to be difficult. But I had hoped you would have the decency to not... I don't know... Start looking before it was over. You had nothing to lose but me if you had just broken up with me sooner. :( you were going to do it anyway.
I know I don't deserve anything special and that I am truly just another one of 7 billion, but... I think... Maybe... I deserved better than that. I was always 100% faithful and loyal to you. I didn't flirt with anyone, I never looked twice, you were always the only one for me when we were in a relationship and that never wavered no matter how unhappy I was at times. It isn't that difficult to do so. I don't know what to think of this and I don't know what to think of you. I just want you to be a good person but it's so hard for me to view you as one when I have personally been hurt time and time again by you. It's not that I can't forgive- I forgive TOO easily- that's why this is a mess again. It's that I'm afraid that I'll have to forgive over and over and over again. But I'm afraid of hurting you and breaking your heart now, now that you love me again and want me back. And after knowing you, I don't know how to let you out of my life. I'm sure I could figure it out eventually. People have to do that all the time, with people they had become so much more intertwined with. I know I could do that with you, even if I secretly believe I'm much more ridiculous about those things than the average person, much to my own chagrin.
I just wish I wasn't in this mess again. I thought I wanted you to want me back again and to return to me and love me again. You were always so good to me when we were together. But now that we are "back on our bs", I only have a sad and sick feeling in my stomach about it, and I feel horrible for allowing it to happen again. I'm a horrible person if I tell you that I can't do this again. I should have realized that feeling was there for a reason. I should have never gone.
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self.offmychest
|
Negative feelings associated to many places and situations Does anyone else have the problem that whenever something remotely negative/stressy/anxious happens in a certain situation or place, you put a big "bad feeling, must avoid" tag on it and even when the negative occurence doesn't repeat itself this place /situation feels bad from now on, and you'd rather avoid it in the future.
(sry if I express myself poorly, english isn't my first language)
Now my life gets constantly restricted since I'm running out of things that feel neutral or positive to me. It usually takes a long time for places to "redeem" themselves, but a negative association can happen within minutes.
Do you have to deal with this as well?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I feel myself sliding into depression again I'm not sure, but I feel rather depressed today and I can feel the depressive episode creeping in on me. I'm not sure what to do this time, because I feel so sad and I'm crying all the time. I want to keep myself occupied, but I can't focus on anything. What would you guys do in a situation like this?
|
self.bipolar
|
No one to talk to I think that all of my friends don't like me and my girlfriend's always trying to make me jealous. I don't know if it's true I just feel that way and I hate it. I can't talk to any of them about deep stuff really at all. I feel so alone. So I left the group chat and I feel really dramatic and like I shouldn't have cause I didn't want to cause a scene but I just feel like shit and I want to get away from everything.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I feel so much better when someone validates me, and tells me I’m a “good boy”, not exact words but some phrase with the same connotation. Thanksgiving was hard but I managed to get through it by honestly, minimizing my anxiety and kinda calling it a piece of shit when ever I started feeling myself thinking about another bullshit worry. Anyways I felt the need to ask a close family member who is aware of my anxieties if I was engaged and present. I found myself replaying the evenings encounters (what a surprise) and once again, found myself lost in the replays and feeling anxious. What felt like a moment of bliss was the reassurance I got, essentially saying I was indeed a normal human being, from my brother. Sometimes I find myself thinking oh man if only someone could reassure me, CONSTANTLY. Maybe that should be myself, but how do I trust myself as my own source of reassurance? It almost feels like an instinct to just take other peoples validation and reassurance over your own.
|
self.Anxiety
|
My first psychologist appointment was yesterday Yesterday I went to my first appointment with a therapist, I was afraid because there was a lot of shame on my condition (depression and suicide attempts).
Now I felt more confident and I’m going to be attending to next appointments. The doctor was a really nice woman and she also plays league of legends as me and that give me a bound with her. She ask me to take a psychiatric treatment at the same time I take her treatment. I was anxious but I call this morning and I have both appointments (the first with the psychiatrist and the therapist) Saturday dec 2.
Wish me luck :)
Update: I have read all the comments, and I know there are some of you that don’t think have the courage to go to a specialist, I know is really hard, sometimes we feel hopeless or like we don’t have a fix for our situation, I’ve been there, I been fighting against my depression for 12 years and for fear, pride or whatever you want to call it I never reached help. But I hurt a lot of people, mostly my boyfriend, and I tell my self, this is enough, I’m not only hurting me, I’m hurting the people that care about me, I need to look for help, doesn’t matter if the people who doesn’t know my struggle call me crazy or attention wh*re. I need professional help, I google physiologist near my are ad I picked the first ones that came in. I take the courage to go alone, to actually talk about my feelings and you know what? It worth it because even if it was an scratch of what is happening in my life, the doctor listen to me, and told me is not my fault and I will be better because now my path is to be better and to know how to handle my emotions, and I know you guys will find the strength to go and look for help, because we have an illness, this is treatable and can be cured. There is hope at the end of this darkness surrounding us, and WE CAN DO IT. So please stay safe and strong.
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self.depression
|
I felt happy the other day, but now I feel terrible whenever I think of that. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
i am making myself insane I want to rip my brain out of my head so maybe it can shut up for just a moment. I tell myself my depression is fake. Even saying that I go, "your depression? what depression?" My hatred for food, my hate for speaking, my misophonia, my anxiety. My hate for my 1 friend. What am doing with my life. I cant stop my head wont shut up and I feel like im going insane WHY am I always contradicting myself. I want to scream I wont shut up It wont stop talking and I feel like im going insane and I dont even understand it. I tell myself im fake but I dont know whats real anymore. I feel like I am empty and I dont know what to tell myself. I feel anger. I want to be sad and even though im crying it feels fake. I just feel crazy. Why do I why am I I DONT EVEN KNOW what I am or what im doing
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self.depression
|
A poem I can relate to (self written) A Poem about life
Life is a rollercoaster with ups and downs,
And one day you die no matter how hard this sounds,
Your life is just another breeze in a windy autumn,
You think you belong to the stars?
But you are crawling in shit deep on the bottom,
Sometimes it's easier to consider suicide,
Your life is not worth a thing, you know it, deep inside,
There are many ways to do it, to end your life,
Just do it with a very sharp knife,
Maybe you want it quick and take a gun,
Aim right, you don't want a second run,
Either you die or end as a cripple,
Just turn your lights out,
Not as a bang but as a whistle,
Nobody is going to miss you,
And you know that, too
I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true,
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self.depression
|
Is it possible to have a bad reputation in high school? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
This thing where every day a new celebrity is getting accused of sexual assault is getting exhausting Every day there's a new celebrity case of sexual harassment, assault, or rape coming out of the woodwork. At this rate, within the next couple of weeks, every single movie or tv show will be canceled from all of the firings due to knee jerk PR moves
I'm not saying i condone any of these horrible actions or that there shouldn't be anything done about it, but it's just getting downright exhausting that every day there's yet another random accusation from decades ago bringing down yet another celebrity
And every time someone makes an accusation (many times it seems like its just their word against the other person, without any real evidence) the alleged offender is fired from whatever movie/show/project their working on
Anyone could just be like "Tom Hanks did such and such to me 30 years ago" and then suddenly Tom Hanks' career is over from a random knee jerk public relations move, because nobody wants to be known as a company that works with these terrible people "Oh somebody said you did something bad 25 years ago? We don't care about your side of the story or the evidence or anything like that. You're fired"
It just seems endless now, and it's super draining hearing about every new case every single day
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self.offmychest
|
Very unhealthy apathy I've been through a lot (death anxiety attacks mainly) of stress lately and now I became so apathetic about my responsibilities it's almost insane. I am tutoring a little and I can spend an entire week not preparing any lesson plans and come into class and well make something up maybe... It sucks very much when it happens and I feel very embarrassed but I don't feel any urge to do anything until the very moment it happens, as if it won't happen at all or not in near future. Also I have exams soon and there's much I don't know and have to do, and I treat it as exams will never happen too. I just don't care about them, I don't feel guilt when I waste time instead of preparing. When I do tests I look at tasks and oh well.. yeah.. so what. If I force myself to learn I just feel very angry and irritated and obviously it is impossible to do anything. If I force myself further I might even start to cry. It just feels so unfair somehow lol. Did you experience this? I am at a loss
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self.depression
|
I'm a shitty boyfriend I've struggled with depression and self hatred for as long as I can remember, and it's starting to fuck with my first real relationship. I'm in love with a beautiful girl who loves me too, but whenever I'm alone, the constant barrage of negative thoughts always talks me out of believing that she could ever love a fat idiot like me. I feel the self doubt changing me, making me possessive and distrustful, and jealous and it only makes me hate myself more. I see her have fun with her friends and all I can think of is "why would she even bother with you. that guy is better than you in every way and she wouldn't have to put up with him being sad all the time." why can't I just be happy.
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self.depression
|
Does anyone else hate having a friend that you feel like you're your true self around, because you hate yourself? Sorry if that didn't make much sense, but I have this one friend who's kind of my main source of happiness throughout the day. I'm feeling more isolated than I've ever been right now because I'm out of school and waiting to go to uni, but it's hard to look forward to it when right now I don't have a daily routine or anything to keep me distracted. He moved away a year ago to a different country so we IM each other a lot everyday. He's my closest friend, but sometimes I can't help but feel like he'd be better off cutting off ties with me because I'm annoying and hopeless. I talk about my problems a lot (he says he doesn't mind it) but I feel terrible that he's always listening to me going on and on about my crap. When I'm talking to him I feel like I'm being my true self, more than when I'm with anyone else... but I hate myself.
So basically I'm conflicted because I wish he'd just stop talking to me and yet I wish he won't. Am I alone in feeling this way?
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self.depression
|
I miss my new friends. Hello, my name is Jaren. I'm in 11th grade and I met all these wonderful people in 9th grade. After 9th grade I switched to virtual school and have been in that ever since. I stopped talking to my friends for a while but the past few months we have reunited, but I only get to see them once every 1-2 months (they live far). We went to the state fair yesterday and i'm pretty sure I like one of them, but i'm just happy I have friends that care. Ever since I woke up this morning, I've felt sad, I can't stop crying, I want to be able to see these people everyday. The thing is, when I went to school with them, I got bad grades (F-B) but now I get straight A's in virtual school. I've been questioning if it's worth the loneliness. Should I go back to school to see my friends everyday?
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self.depression
|
I'm ruining my whole life because of stupidity and destructiveness. I just wanna die. Four months ago I moved from mainland Europe to England to live with my long-distance boyfriend for two years, destroying the relationship with my family (my father hates my bf) in the process.
I went through trauma and loss in my childhood and my family was abusive. This has left me with quite a bit of baggage, depression, GAD, trichotillomania etc
My bf and I have been going through a rough patch. Today we had another petty argument that I caused because of my stupidity (like every other fight). A couple hours ago he said to my face he's not sure he loves me anymore and that all these fights are gonna make him fail University, he's never gonna see his stepchildren (from his ex-wife) again because of me, and that I'm not worth three children to him (a fact I knew deep down, but it crushed me when it came out of his mouth).
So here I am living with a person whom I had to give my old life up for that possibly doesn't even love me anymore. I don't have any friends or acquaintances here, and I can't go back to my home country.
I destroyed it all because I'm just destructive and stupid. I'm feeling like a stranger in my bf's house right now. The thought of jumping off a bridge keeps crossing my mind. When is all this going to end?
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self.depression
|
Thanks Your advice and experience are appreciated, thank you for sharing. My dilemma however persists, he is too unstable to have the kids alone which means a battle in court for custody which limits my divorce option until they are old enough to deal with him on their own, which now they are not. He has tried so many meds already - next he will try Latuda but the side effects of the antipsychotics seem a little frightening especially the extrapyramidal side effects - TD etc. With regards to the hypersexuality I have read as much as I can and know this is a part of mania/hypomania but what I have trouble differentiating is what is the disease, which has gone unmedicated and unacknowledged for 25 years and what is just “a jerk”. I have left him before and it did not go well and it lead to his acting out even more and the subsequent affair. It just seems I am trapped no matter what I choose and meanwhile the person I have spent half my life with is struggling for his own...
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self.bipolar
|
There aren’t enough distractions I [21 F] can’t seem to say with one career idea before I switch entirely. I know that I’m just trying to be resourceful and find something that’s going to earn me money. But I just can’t focus now.
For the past few weeks all of my debts, insecurities have been weighing so much on me, that any moment not held by a distraction (person or otherwise) I just feel empty. I feel like my entire constitution is just a grey blob of stillness and lack of emotion or thought.
My chest hums with a consistent dull ache, and I have no idea what I can do about it except find sad videos on the internet to force myself to cry, and relieve it.
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self.depression
|
I feel like a dud. I feel like there was some point at which i should have started the thing i was supposed to do with my life, and i just didn't. I'm a 21 year old single guy, i work in a call center (both the highlight and low of my current situation.) i live in a single room. i dont have a car because i habitually waste money. i have friends who i would say are holding me back if i didnt already know that that's all me(he says, because he's a self important piece of shit). i want to do a lot of things, but i have lynched myself on my own ambition so many times that i keep even my once treasured dreams at arms length, for fear that they will just reach up and punch me right in the diaphragm again. i dont want to spend four years of my life learning to hate something i was fascinated by. i feel like i missed my chance to develop the desire to achieve things, or that that desire was crushed by my parents (but it's my fault for thinking that). i dont know what i am, or what i'm here for, or what i want. when i listen to myself think i sound like alex jones. everyone around me keeps telling me i need God(i was conditioned to agree with them). i feel like a waste of ideas trapped inside a person who missed the chance to not grow up broken. I dont care enough about even my favorite things to commit to them or work at them. i hate sucking at everything so bad that i dont even try, if in my mind ive already failed then i cant be disappointed(spoiler allert: i am anyway). Aderall(prescribed) makes my job easier and more bearable, but i still go home and waste all the time i have on things that dont help, like youtube videos and reddit. I feel like i'm trapped in the crawlspace between 'not ok at all' and 'good' where nobody ever checks because it's full of cobwebs and me. I feel like i want to break, but i cant, because there's more gorilla glue than vase. oh, and my parent's clearly should not have reproduced so neither should i.
Ps. fuck me for feeling this way because i'm probably strait up wrong about most of this and there are starving kids in north korea so suck it up. thank you for your time.
TL;DR: I'm a dime a dozen. people care. i'll be fine.
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self.depression
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16yrs student (M) outcast.. A life story with mobbing toxic environment depression and school So yeah, I'm 9th grade (failed it first year second and last chance to pass the grade) (german school idk how school works in US but it's something like highschool), and honestly, I'm doing kinda alright good marks in subjects like English Biology Religion History and Musics but then theres also bad marks like Maths (4 or 5) French (5) and German (4) and with three 5's (F, I guess) you can't pass the year.
One you can either have a 3 in a main subject (French, German, Maths, English) or take a test in the summer holidays to pass.
Two you HAVE to do both.
Three is game over.
And the fact that I'm not doing anything for school pretty much like homework and stuff, leds to me getting picked up by "people" and teachers with the sentence: Mark, you don't have it, right? Or when I used to come late (doing fine on that since new year): You have ten minutes left (to come here) or Oh, you already here?, Even though I was late 10 mins alread, which just makes me more frustrated over everything relating school.
Also outcast, loner struggling with depression and the fact that like only my mother one teacher and one friend understand and try to help me is sad.
My environment is not the best either, like my siblings (I have 5 im the 4th out of 6 children) go like: Oh little depressed piece of shit. Or: Depression is some new fashion trend of the 21st century.
Like legit, the first one that was the first thing ive heard after comming back from the Smash Tourney that I attended that day and I was mad sad and went to bad crying thinking why do you do this???
My father is not better either constantly yelling at my mother for the smallest things and the best thing is like my mother has a leg injury broken bone and ripped muscles and she asks: Can you do the grocery shopping for me? We don't have much to eat left. I can't go cause of my leg injury and I'm not allowed to drive. To which my father responds with; Not my f***ing problem.
My reputation is basically non-existent since pre-school
Elementary school I was told by my father if someone makes you uncomfortable punch him.
I switched the class from 1st to 2nd grade cause of teacher and class people
I didnt went better there even the teacher mobbed me
In 4th grade oh my lord it was wild.
There is a christmas play every year at the local theathre and we went there with class.
So on the way some class people mocked me and I got loud, teacher takes notice calls my father father arrives walks up to me and slaps me in the face in front of the whole class.
I believe they saw it but everyone kept it shut.
And fast forward 5th grade highschool and the class only consists of people from my old class
yay....
The punching mentality was still there and it ruined the reputation even more on the new school and people making stupid assumptions.
I don't even think they tolerate me I just 'exist'
And we had a class trip for two days talking about future and the question arose who do you think will be a lone wolf in his job? Most pointed me out obviously being a loner sitting lonely playing Pokémon and Smash (And god do they judge me for liking Pokémon Anime Smash etc.) After that I reflected on what they said and well... That was the time I felt depressed the first time for long (Had suicidal thoughts at times too) till the one week smash tourney early august ( so 7 months) that week was the best by far no toxic idiots all nice people <3
And after that i came to the regular depressed shit and all...
And now I'm here typing this I remember what a mess my life is (havent even talked in detail about anything)
And also everything I do successfully is taken as "ok" or "not good" and where I fail it's "You're trash" "Even worse than"
Like my brother for example has been mocking me for a video where I play the trumpet (wasn't really good and I'm still not) and I messed up a note which I played way to deep tone wise.
Probably one of the reasons why I'm not outgoing and don't practice the trumpet cause low self esteem and self worth and confidence and Motivation.
And I don't really know what to do...
Any advice for me like motivational things or other stuff which could help me?
I think talking/chatting with supportive people would be good too so shoot me a DM...
If you read to this point thank you very very much means a lot 😭
~Mark
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self.depression
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Just had to write my feelings down. So I'm a 14 year old boy how has been battling with self diagnosed depression for maby 7 months. I have felt more or less awful for as long as I remember but it all exploded last summer when my long-distance girlfriend left me whit a text telling me that it just didn't work because of the distance but she wanted to still be my friend (most likely actually did back then). So i just like everyone felt like shit for a few days after the braik up but after a week if not being able to do shit I started to feel like everything wasn't okey but told my self that it will go away but it didn't after maybe week more of this I started to think that maybe I was depressed and shortly after that I started to cut my left wrist and my right leg. It gave a temporary escape and shit like that. At that point my life was shit and only ways I could get a brake from it was cutting, video games and memes and other stuff on the internet. When that had continued for a month or two my mom, stepdad and father started to think that I probably had an addiction to gaiming and started to "force" me to go outside so I went and got envolved whit smoking, drinking and shoplifting and then maybe a month later I got caught shoplifting and drank way too much in a party so my "frends" how I drank with didn't want to do it anymore so I started to again game a lot. So all of our Christmas holiday I was sick so I just stayed home and played games and slept to two or three o'clock and my mom really didn't like that and yesterday I purchased a ton of games from the steam winter sale finals thing and stayed up all night playing Witcher 3. And today I had a fight with my mom and she and my dad disaided that from this evening forward my internet access from my phone and my PC will be cut off so now I have lost all of my coping methods (+forgot to say that I don't really have any frends and the few that are still my frends have no idea what I'm going thru or if I explain it to them they don't care or understand) and have nothing so yeah I have no idea what I'm going to do.
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self.depression
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Anxiety and finding solutions
Well, I had a depression a few years ago and despite being "cured"
it left me some ills, namely anxiety, that has been fucking my life for the past 2 years. I am 20 years old and I am healthy, however I suffer from almost intolerable stomach problems derived from anxiety. Basically I take gastric protectors otherwise I feel like I'm on the verge of vomiting all day, I have my brain constantly at overdrive and I can rarely keep a line of thought. I visited a family doctor and a naturopath, both told me that the problems are derived from anxious states, however, they only prescribe gastric protectors. My friends and family always give me the same fucking talk "relax is all psychological", I think that anxiety sufferers know that it is not something that is controlled voluntarily. I'm fed up and I want to visit a psychiatrist and I have no doubt that I'm going to get prescribed some anti-anxiety medication, should I? What kind of solutions can I look for? (PS: I have tried less pain relievers without prescription and they helped but nothing significant, such as "meditating" among others.) I have tried xanax once before an exam and had probably the best day in the last 6 months, that left me worried.
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self.depression
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Sometimes I wish I had no friends or family so I could commit suicide without bothering anyone. By "sometimes", I mean "right now".
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self.offmychest
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can someone help me? I absolutely hate this mental illness. I sleep so much to numb myself. yesterday I broke down at my job crying because I kept messing up (i’m a food server) and I was doing a horrible job and I had to be left off early and I called in sick today. this depression is ruining me. I lost a lot of friends and people who supporting me because of this. and i’m afraid i’m going to lose more people in my life if it spirals out of control.
I know I need to move out. my parents are toxic people to live with and they are hoarders. whenever i’m here I take so many naps and i’m always extremely exhausted.
I don’t know how to help myself though. i’m so sick and tired of living like this too. I refuse to go on medication because I know they don’t help my mom at all. i’m scared of staying in one place and not doing anything about it.
I know i’m fully equipped to move out. I have almost $5,000 saved in the bank and I live in nyc. I know it’s hard finding a room in nyc to rent, but i’m trying. I know I need to get out of here. but even the thought of telling my toxic abusive parents that i’m leaving scares me. i know the physical act of moving really scares me. I don’t know if it’s laziness, but how would one just move all their belongings and a bed frame to a new apartment?
I know it really boils down to me helping myself. but I wouldn’t even know how to help myself. I don’t even like myself. I don’t know my passions. I don’t have any. I am an artist you can say and studied it and graduated from school recently. but I don’t like doing it. whenever I try to do it I end up hating it. I know i’m only 22 and I still have time, but fuck I want to know now so I can stop being depressed and being a poisonous miserable human being in everyone’s lives and my life. I want to get better instead of doing nothing about it. I hate my current job and it’s so far away from where I live it’s a 2 hour commute, but I can’t think of any other restaurant that will hire a server with only 2 months experience.
I don’t know what to do and if I can’t think of something i’m really going to kill myself soon.
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self.depression
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Update about dogs and anxiety I posted earlier this week asking about dog owners with anxiety and I wanted to share my experience.
I adopted this week! I wanted to rescue an adult dog 1) because adult dogs are rarely adopted 2) adult dog's temperament is evident when you meet them and usually doesn't change.
I browsed my local ASPCA site and found a few dogs and then did some breed research. I chose an Anatolian Shepherd (90 lbs, about 3 1/2 feet tall on all fours!). He's a BIG boy but highly intelligent. The volunteer at the rescue center was so helpful. She let all of us spend time with him. I took two hours, waking him inside the fence and outside to make sure I could handle him. He already knew the sit and down commands!
He has been with us about three days now and he's helped my anxiety so much already. When I feel that general nervousness coming on instead of latching my brain to some idea and obsessing to the point of panic I take him for a walk or work on new commands with him. He's calm and not aggressive at all so he is a great comfort. I was working in my study and anxiety started to creep in. I had to focus for finals so I was not able to walk or train at the moment and was just trying to remain focused. He sensed I was uneasy but did it get anxious himself. He simply walked across the room and laid down as my feet and rested his paw on my foot, just having him there to comfort me instantly gave me some relief.
I also have panic attacks when my partner leaves. This is recent as I've never had any issue being alone and it's especially bad at night. My S/O went to the gym for a late workout and again, anxiety started. I decided to groom the dog with his brush and an oil blend I had made for him. I took my mind off of the anxiety and I was able to avoid a panic attack because I felt safe.
If anyone on this sub is a dog lover and is considering adopting I would definitely suggest an adult dog who is calm and trainable. His presence alone has helped soothe my nerves and his willingness to train has given me something to do when I need a distraction but can't focus on reading or art work.
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self.Anxiety
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Nearly died and I can't stop thinking about it [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Hey guys, just need a little bit of advice [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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The severity of your mania precedes the severity of your depression I know we all love mania, but the thing we all need to keep in mind and continue reminding each other is that while the wave of mania might feel great, the exact inverse of that wave that we will eventually swing back toward, depression, deepens the higher we chase that manic wave. So, if you want to minimize the pain and confusion of this disease, do everything in your power to resist the temptation of giving into mania. How do you resist mania when it feels so good? Don't celebrate it. This disease is playing good cop/bad cop with us - it's the same cop.
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self.bipolar
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I wish I had the courage. I wish I had the courage to die.
I’m just waiting for a freak accident or sickness to take me.
Feeling alone is terrible.
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self.depression
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My sweet little dog is dead and it’s all my fault. I’m sorry for the length of this but I don’t know how to shorten it...About two weeks ago, I came home to find one of my two Jack Russells gone. This is very unlike her as she never escapes. As such, I don’t have her chipped and I don’t have a collar on her. I look all night, nothing. I posted on every message board and app. I called every shelter and humane society. I posted flyers around the neighborhood. No luck. She was gone. The weather became horribly cold and it snowed for the first time in forever where I live. The hope faded fast and went through a lot of grief and sadness. So did my wife and kids. We soothed ourselves with stories of her being rescued and now living a great life with another family who just never saw all our posts and messages. Things began to become somewhat bearable again. Three days ago, one of those posts gets a response saying there is a dog in the middle of the road matching her description. My heart sinks, knowing it was most likely her. I drive over from work to find my worst nightmare was true. It was a very bad scene. One I’ll never erase from my memory. I wrapped her up in a towel and placed her in a bag. I lost my mind and cried uncontrollably on the side of the road. I drove her home. I somehow mustered up the strength to dig a hole for her. I tried to make it as perfect as I could. I owed her that much. I let my other dog smell the bag and realize what had occurred. I placed her old bed in the hole. I held her one last time and prayed to God to take her and keep her safe and happy. I laid her to rest on top of the bed. I dropped to my knees and begged for her forgiveness. I don’t deserve it though. I don’t think I’ll ever feel like I’ve suffered enough to atone for my neglect. I loved her, just as I’ve loved all my other pets. But for all the love, I didn’t do what I should have. I should’ve chipped her. I should’ve collared her. I should’ve fixed the damn fence that I’ve neglected to for a long time. If I had, she wouldn’t have been able to get away. And if she did, she would’ve at least had a good chance of coming home. I feel her crying from her grave. I feel her eyes looking at me and asking why? She didn’t deserve the painfully cold nights of freezing rain, stinging winds, and bitter snow. She didn’t deserve the loneliness and the hunger of her last days. She didn’t deserve to have it all end under the bottom of a random tire. My family didn’t deserve to feel this pain, especially now during the holidays. It’s all my fault. My chest hurts. My heart is in shambles. Food and drinks all taste bitter. Guilt is washing over me. My soul feels black and empty. And I deserve it all. But will I ever be able to climb out of the depression this has put me under? I don’t feel like I deserve happiness but will that ever go away?
TL,DR: my dog is dead and my family is heartbroken and I’m a piece of shit because it’s all my fault for not preventing her escape.
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self.depression
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How can I be so miserable that I want to die but at the same time be so afraid of death?
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self.depression
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How do you tell what feelings are normal? I can never tell if I'm feeling or doing something because I'm bipolar, or if it's something normal, that everyone does. Can you guys differentiate what's normal and what's not?
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self.bipolar
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I feel like a shell of my former self. Hi there folks. For ~2 years now I've been feeling real bad. I moved out of my parents house a little too soon at the age of 17, failed my study, and lost control of my life along the way. Stopped taking showers, experienced a feeling of exhaustion, while getting 11+ hours of sleep each night. Slowly developed a more bitter personality, stopped eating well and lost weight, alienated some of my friends and to some degree my mother. Lost all happines, interest and self-esteem. I was a non-functioning pile of shit with an occasional OK day once every month orso. Was told I had to leave the student flat I lived in because of my negative character. Started having suicidal thoughts. Eventually told my dad I wasn't doing well and with his help I've slowly overcome this mental mess. Suicidal thoughts have disappeared, I'm back to my old more likeable self, have a reason to get out of bed each morning. A feeling of emptiness remains however. I've wasted 2 years of my youth, I only weigh 70 kg at 1.94m, mostly lost my ability to dance (I used to take lessons) and play the piano. My memories have become a right mess. Can't play soccer anywhere naar as good as before as a result of the weight loss. Sometimes I feel like I'm only a shell of the person I could've been, and it's hard dealing with that feeling, especially since I'm so close to the light at the end of the tunnel after those long 2 years. Does anybody else have this feeling? How did you cope?
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self.depression
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What am I supposed to expect? * I say I care about my family but have no contact with them
* I say I want to help my parents financially but I don't care about money. I waste money. I am careless about money. I only make decisions that put a financial strain on them.
I have done nothing for them. I don't even call my brother and sister.
* I say I care about helping people but I haven't done anything to help. I stay at home all the time. I don't volunteer. I didn’t even go through with a volunteering training. I gave up because my classes got in the way rather than trying to work around it if I really cared about it. I missed to deadline so I can do it during this winter break.
* I say I am a handworker but when I get tired I just sleep. I never see things through till the end.
* I want to be liked but I don't have any likeable qualities about me:
I avoid conversations
I avoid socials
I just want to stay at home
* I want to be intelligent but I don’t have any opinions about anything. I don't know any details about news or current events other than just the headline. What the hell is happening out there. I haven no clue, but I want others to believe that I follow politics and know a lot about current life because I am intelligent. Who the hell do I think I am, I don't even read the news or a single news article each day. I don't follow politics yet I want to act like I do.
* I don’t know anything about anything, whenever people ask me about my hobbies I don't know because I don't have any. I spend all my time studying and then I feel bad about not having anything to talk about. Well of course * I don't I always watch the same dang thing and I can never have an interesting story to tell. Why? Because I am at home all day. I am too scared to order fucking food.
* I say I am good at time management, but quite frankly I cant manage my time for shit. For goodness sake, I never have 'time' to socialize, because I seriously say that I want to socialize, yet whenever I sign up to go to a social, I always bail at the last minute. I never have time and I never have time for anyone in my life. I have never made time for friends or family or anyting. I only have time to 'work' because I want a 'good job' to help my family, but for CRYING OUT LOUD I don't even spend time with them.
* I say that I am an organized and clean person but for fucks sake I freaking can't keep a cleaning schedule until I fucking finish my fucking homework at the end of the semester. Then I make a BIG CLEAN UP SESSION and do a pretty good job at it. Then I consider myself a 'clean person' but for fucks sake I am too fucking lazy to do my dishes so I use fucking plastic spoons so I don’t have to wash them later. I don't even wash my water bottle everyday. Its fucking gross, how do I live like this?
* I bought this nice moleskin to write stuff in so I can seem like I have my life together by having a fucking journal, but yet I don't fucking write in it. It's fucking empty with 'fresh starts' but I have nothing on them. I give up on every single thing. Gosh I am so pretentious.
* I say that I am fucking humble but for crying out loud I get jealous and feel overly competitive and envious when my roommate starts doing even remotely similar to what I am doing. I don't want him to fucking copy me. That’s what is going through my mind, and yet I consider myself to be humble and selfless? Man, am I lying to myself. I can't do anything for shit because I am scared that someone will get better at something than me. I fear that so much that I can't even bother to show people my hobbies because I don't want people to copy me. Gosh I am so pretentious.
* I want my best friend to hang out with me but there is no fucking reason for him to hang out with me. I am boring and I am not interesting in any fucking way. I don't have fucking hobbies and am to scared when I feel like I have to entertain someone. Why the hell will he want to even hang out with me. Worst of all why am I getting sad when he doesn't hang out with me. What the hell do you expect?
* I can never take any fucking responsibility. I get scared when I am in charge. I can't even lead a fucking social. For crying out loud someone has to yell for me because I am so fucking soft spoken that no one can hear me. Someone else has to end up taking my role and I end up feeling sad about it. Of course I am getting replaced, I get too nervous and we need to get things done. I can't speak out loud.
tl;dr I keep saying to myself that I am 'improving' and I am very self-aware, but all of the above things have been lies that I have been telling myself. My gosh I feel lost, and I want an answer. I want people to suddenly stop thinking I am arrogant, pretentious, whatever. I have been looking for a shortcut that doesn't exist and as a result I have built the above lies for myself. What do I expect?
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self.offmychest
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No Friends I have a LOT of trouble making and keeping friends. I've had so many friends in my life who have just bailed on me because they couldn't handle my bizarre behavior sometimes, and it's made me aftaid to open up my heart to anyone else. All my relationships with the people in my life are superficial because I can't seem to let them in.
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self.bipolar
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Ive always considered it the most selfish thing anyone not terminal could do..... Now im looking up ways to make it. Look accidental. And literally think about it multiple times a day. My lifes a mess. Partly medical partly my own self destructive nature. Im doing too many drugs and drink too much to escape just.... Everything. Literally no one knows just how far down ive spiraled. They just keep begging me to snap out of it. Blame things like my girlfriend leaving me. when thats just a symptom.
Ive decided that if im not happy by my next birthday..... Im gonna start making plans. This is a shot in the datk here. I really dont want too do this since i have such loving family and friends. But everyday just hurts to exist. Im a burden on everyone and they keep trying to drag me to a finish line but im not sure i even have the energy to help them. Only problem with making it look like an accident is im gonna havr to let them in on one of the darker sides of my life like my drug use. Or i can text someone and drive off a cliff at the same time. But then the person i text would probably blame themselves.
I literally cant afford any help. I started taking my old anti depressants 2 weeks ago but still no change. Every time i look at my wrists i imagine slitting them open. Which funny enough is a way i would NEVER go. Too much cleanup for my family.
Sorry if this sint the place for this but im not literally standing on the egde. Just feel like im being pushed forward inch by inch and soon i mighr as well. Do a. Flip.
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self.SuicideWatch
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“friends” has anyone else had a friend that claims they care about you and will say stuff like “I’m here if you need to talk” but then ignore you?
also when people that you’ve barely talked to seem to care more about and check up on you more than your so called “friend” ?
does that make me a bad person for being a little mad at my friend ? is it too much to think that they don’t care about me anymore?
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self.depression
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Waking up After years of being in a dark place, where I was scared of the world. Now at 18 I'm realizing something. As a kid I kept to myself because I had no guidance, and well basically sat in front of a tv. So no wander my attention span,emotions, and so on were never tapped. As the years went on I stayed in the same place, thinking I was just stupid kid that nobody liked. I had troubles expressing myself being I wanted to hide everything. I never really thought two steps ahead or attempted to fit in. But now at 18 I'm now realizing I was stupid, because I never researched anything, because I did not see a point, which to Led to me being awkward. While everyone else was hanging out , expressing themselves and learning from each other. I was alone in my room. It's crazy how small minded you can be.
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self.depression
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So it's been 3 years since I visited this sub [deleted]
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self.depression
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lamotrigine dose question I slowly worked up to 150 mg within a 3 months. At 150 mg I was starting to see a difference but not quite there yet. Dr bumped up to 200 mg about week and half ago. It seems it's going down hill since I moved to 200 mg. Each time I was bumped up i would feel depressed, irritated, etc for around 5 days then it would stabilize again. This time it's been almost 2 weeks and I haven't stabilized yet. Is it normal for 200 mg to take longer to stabilize? I notmally went to dr ebery 2 weeks to bump up the dose. This time dr said wait 2 months for next appoint. Should I wait the month and half to see if 200 starts working or call in and see about going back to 150? I'm not taking anything else, just lamotrigine.
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self.bipolar
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Finished an outpatient program and feel hopeless My life has been falling apart since November, and I really don't think I can keep going much longer. I was in an adult partial hospitalization program for the last three weeks and felt like I was making a little progress, but now I'm out and I feel as terrible as ever. I've been trying to make more of an effort; I've been talking to friends and hanging out with some of the new people I met in outpatient but I still just want to be dead. I've been on Zoloft, Seroquel and Vistaril for about a month now but it doesn't feel like it's doing anything except making me tired all the time. I don't think I can overdose on any of them and that makes me sad. I have a psychiatrist appointment in 2 weeks and I know my meds will not get changed again until then.
Right now the only thing that is keeping me going is that I don't have an easy way to kill myself and I don't want to leave a mess for the people in my life. I'm supposed to recite a mantra when I want to research suicide methods but that isn't making these feelings go away. I don't feel like I can tell anyone how I feel because they all keep saying that I'm doing better and they seem so happy about it. I'm supposed to drive out to see a friend tonight and I'll keep those plans, but I don't know what I can do past that. I have an intake appointment for another program tomorrow but I know that won't help either. I don't want to do this anymore and I can't imagine a scenario in which I will be okay.
I don't want people to like me. I don't want people to tell me that my life is precious because I know it isn't. I don't want to rebuild my life because I don't want anything. All I want is to be done and I wish I knew how to do it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My best and only friend of 3/4 years left me. I don't think I can find anyone else [deleted]
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self.depression
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What can i do How do you cope with knowing you'll never have a happy family? How do you cope with knowing you'll just never have a group of people who you know love and care about no matter what, know you better than anyone else, and that you can come home to at the end of the day and tell all about your day, and eat dinner with? All I've ever wanted and fought so hard for was for my family to love each other and just get along sometimes and enjoy being with each other at least sometimes but I failed at that. My family just didn't want that as badly as I did and so we all just fell apart and that's the way it's been for years. Why can't I just have a semi-happy family. I don't even have like a best friend or even a close friend to do these things with thanks to my life being ruined by anxiety and autism
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self.depression
|
Night Anxiety.... Part 2? As I've posted before I get bad night anxiety. However I have done something that I think can change that!!
My night anxiety basically makes me believe that there is a monster or demon in my room and it scares me so much that I bought a night light.
However, I always feel like its down by my drawers that the monster is. So I moved my room around and now my computer and table is where the drawers were.
Hopefully this stops me thinking this.
Does anyone else have any advice that can help with this?
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self.Anxiety
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I just want to roll over and die There's nothing I want to do or say. There's nothing to inspire me because I can't be inspired. I don't care. I just want to die. My life is going to turn to shit because I'll let it. I don't want to have to put up a fight.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I just googled "Miserable and Alone" Like literally thinking I could find some helpful advice. There are some articles but it's mostly stuff I've read or heard before. I was talking to this girl I work with for like a week... Constantly. Then she was over last night. We kissed, it seemed to be going well, but not past the one kiss. She went home, and I got the "let's be friends" text. So from pretty constant, really encouraging conversation, I'm thinking this is great, we have crazy chemistry... to now nothing. Fuck.
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self.offmychest
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Often you are the only good thing in my dreams, and that is why I lurk your social media. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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limiting my suicides impact my biggest dilemma when it comes to killing myself is that my only friend has told me many times that if i killed myself he would to. but i think ive found a solution, if i can pull it off. but i don't know if it will work.
first, i'm waiting. they go to school in a different state. because of the workload and his social life, if i don't text him or call him, he forgets about me and doesn't talk to me. even if i do try to contact him he doesn't respond most times. so i'll wait, i'll cut myself out if his life and let him forget. it'll be like we've drifted apart, not too uncommon for friends. and then i'll do it.
secondly, as precaution, i've written a note with some instructions for my family. in that note i have told them not to tell any friends or old classmates about this incident. i told them no obituary, no social media posts, keep it in the family. of course there is no guarantee that they'll listen, but considering my mother always wanted me to keep my mental health issues a secret anyways, i think it'll work out.
i don't know the news policies in my area towards reporting suicides, but i'm hoping that they need family permission to publish anything. at the very least i think as long as it's not in a public place, they wont bother reporting about it.
i wont post the whole of the note, but there are other requests in it as well, about the funeral and such.
hopefully i'll be gone in less then a year. finally
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self.SuicideWatch
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Life feels worthless and I don't know what to do There are times I have optimism and hope for the future, but it never lasts longer than a few days. After my recent suicide attempt I've started exercising, started doing more around the house, put in a claim for benefits and I've gotten refferred to a couple more mental health organisations (which turned out to be useless anyway). But it all feels like I'm still in a dead end. I have to improve or I'll be kicked out of my home, but every part of me is ready to just give up. I still go to bed every night with a lump in my throat and a pain in my fingers, and it reminds me why I gave up hope in the first place. What am I supposed to do when failure isn't an option but all I want is to give up?
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self.depression
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5 yrs without cutting and I finally gave in [deleted]
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self.depression
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I have Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder and I want to tell you about Zoloft [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I feel like everyone eventually hates me Hi guys
I've never been very good at making friends, and when I do, they seem to eventually hate me and stop talking to me. My parents and the few friends I have from childhood all tell me it could be due to many reasons, and that maybe they are jealous because im pretty or successful in their eyes (which i think im neither lol)
It really sucks because its sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy by now, I try and approach new people, think they hate me and that they will leave me, and it happens. Ive been spending a lot of my time with my parents and dont want to put myself out there and go through the pain of being left alone again and having barely no friends.
Maybe its the anxiety talking, but i have been excluded from many groups of friends all my life, and last year I was diagnosed with depression and was taking antidepressants. Maybe i just have very negative thoughts due to this :(
Anyone with similar experiences or how has anyone overcome this??
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self.depression
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I'm pregnant and depressed and I just can't handle this I'm stuck in this rut and I can't stop crying it's so hard to type and I'm in so much pain and I can't do this anymore I can't
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self.depression
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Does anyone else have trouble finding/holding onto jobs? I have had 3 jobs where I lasted less than 3 weeks in service sector (serving food/making food). I graduated from a grad program last year (somehow) and I have been looking for a job in my field. I lost a service job yesterday because I was panicking and could not get myself to go through the door of the restaurant and start my shift. I worry about how I will touch on this topic in a job once I enter my field, and worry about surviving ( how to tell employer of my condition). When my anxiety gets bad, I lose all sense of knowing what to do. On top of everything, school left me with massive loans., which makes my anxiety even worse.
I've noticed I have trouble surviving these service jobs and it seems to be a pattern with my anxiety. Does anyone else get this way? Anyone else have a similar experience?
PMs welcome if you want to chat.
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self.Anxiety
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Alright I'm done I can't take it anymore. I've lost all hope of getting better, there's nothing realistic that would make anything better. I've posted here like 5 times in the past 2 months. I'm in a mental hospital and I LITERALLY CAN'T LIVE. I would give fucking anything for a button which would instantly kill me. I want EVERYTHING to vanish. All my troubles, issues, anxiety, everything. It feels like I'm constantly in a state of panic attack. I cried several times in the last hour. Everything makes me anxious, and even if I get better for a while it will come back anyway. Right now it's goddamn dances. I judt started going to these dances, when they took me to a mental hospital, so I missed all the lessons except the first 2 and now in 20 minutes the real thing is about to start. It's going to last like 5+ hours. They are going to dance, have fun, etc. It was the only way of me kind of interacting with girls, once in a lifetime event, it's gone because I am in a mental hospital. Everyone is ignoring me, I feel alone.. no, I AM alone. It's fucking crazy in here. I feel like I am literally losing my mind. I've been sitting here on a couch since 1pm and it's now 5pm. All I've been doing is stressing out, feeling like dying. I want that feeling to stop and just happen. You don't know how much I would be happy if I could just die. I'm being tortured. For real, this is a mental torture, 24/7. I am not capable of going any further, I am going to do something stupid like I did back then, which got me into this mental hospital. I WANT TO STOP FEELING LIKE I AM DYING. I. Want. To. Die. No it's not going to get better, it's fucking over. I wish I wasn't born. I didn't ask for this.
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self.Anxiety
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I hate how society revolves around attractiveness It’s sad that no matter how hard you work, if you’re ugly then no one gives a shit. You could cure cancer and still be forced to look away from women in case they think you’re a creep.
It sucks for me because I have a lot of guy friends and get invited to their parties but I have to make sure that I don’t look at girls even accidentally. :(
Im just waiting for the day that I completely lose my sex drive
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self.offmychest
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I need to vent. I posted this yesterday but I ended up deleting it because I got kind of scared. I'm sorry if there are any grammar mistakes, English is not my first language.
I have been struggling with anxiety and depression ever since I was a teenager, but it has been getting a lot worse lately. 2017 was supposed to be a great year for me -- I got a traineeship in an international organisation abroad and I foolishly hoped that I would be able to do what normal people did, i.e. make friends, travel around and enjoy life in general. Of course, none of that happened: I didn't make any friend, my anxiety got worse and I eventually started self-harming. I learnt that my supervisor kept talking about me behind my back about how it was not normal how I didn't know any other trainees and my father constantly criticised me for not being social enough, which made matters even worse. Maybe it was my fault, but I just don't know how to approach people I don't know. Sorry if that sounds weird, I don't really know how to explain it.
In August I got back to my country and things haven't improved. I haven't found a job yet, I have lost interest in pretty much everything I was into in the past. The only thing I do these days is wasting time watching K-Pop videos in YouTube. I have pretty much lost all the friends I had in my country (yesterday I turned 25 and nobody bothered to say anything), and my best friend and I barely talk anymore. She doesn't seem to be interested in me and the only thing we do is exchange gifs of cute animals on facebook messenger. She also seems to have forgotten about my birthday. I've decided to turn off the wifi on my phone, I don't want to know anything about anyone.
I feel utterly worthless. I'm 25 and I've pretty much wasted my youth. I haven't had any meaningful relationship. The only person I talk to and go out with is my mother, and if it wasn't for her I would have already tried to kill myself. Since september I've been in therapy (I believe we're doing CBT? It involves writing journals and such) but I'm too scared of medication because of the side effects.
Right now I'm not even sad like I was yesterday. I just don't care about anything, and I certainly wouldn't mind if someone came and shot me in the head.
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self.depression
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Lonely pathetic drunk Feeling so worthless right now. What is the point? I gave up school, gave up my job(s)...
If anyone wants to talk to me, I can only do so through WhatsApp. Send me a PM and I will send you my number. I feel like I could use a chatting partner. Will listen to you as well.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My Parents' brain farts are bumming me out My parents' are both ~65 years old, and it's kinda shitty to see them be less sharp than they used to be. They'll do small things like say the wrong word, forget a task, or lose their train of thought. Ofc these things that happen to everybody but recently I realised that they're happening to them more often. They'll always laugh it off like anyone would but every time it happens it's a reminder to me that they're getting older. I should be grateful I still have them both and they're still totally functional and independent, but I know that things are only going to go downhill and it kind of stings.
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self.offmychest
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I feel like my friends don't care about me anymore, but if I let them go, I'll truly be alone. lol I have no friends to rant to so I guess so this goes here. :(
I graduated high school five years ago. All of my friend group went to other schools, so I only maintain contact with two of them. I've not made any friends in university (final year now).
Essentially, they have drifted from me. Friend A now has a full-time job. Friend B goes to school and works, and is just generally a very different person today than she was (partier).
The final straw which lead to me making this post happened today. Some background: I got a kitten in December. I have wanted a cat my whole life. Everyone knows this. I adore her, she brightens up my depression-filled life. My friends have seemed relatively uninterested, changing the subject when I invite them over to see her (one is an animal lover, the other isn't). Today, I was too afraid to post a video of her to the chat in the likelihood it would be ignored. So instead I asked if they wanted to see a very cute video, expecting they'd be more likely to respond if I directly asked first. They completely ignored it.
This just stung. They've ignored me many times in the chat, but they're completely uninterested in the only happy thing in my life atm. Also? Friend A forgot my birthday. It has been 20 days, and still no happy birthday... even after I mentioned having a birthday dinner. It's true - I forgot her birthday once (happens during exams), but apologized profusely a couple days later and wished her a late happy birthday.
They don't care about me anymore, but if I cut them loose I will have NOBODY. I have no fucking friends outside of them. I don't even have time to form a friend group in uni - too late.
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self.depression
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Just wanna vent a bit! So, I'm 16, have been going through depression for around 3 years now.
This year it's gotten really bad. I'm failing school and classes because I end up breaking down and crying or not paying attention at all by all the thoughts in my head. I feel constantly dissociated, like my body and mind aren't the same anymore. My teachers and my parents both pressure me to try and get better grades but I can't, not when I'm like this.
My mom always yells and asks if I'm crazy. She doesn't understand the concept of mental illnesses (I'm also LGBT, so she kinda hates me for that as well).
I know I should contact a psychologist but my mom keeps saying I'm lazy and don't need a doctor for anything, even though I went to the hospital in December last year for pill overdose.
I can barely talk to anybody without lashing out at them or acting like a robot.
Everything's just gotten to the point where I can't act like a normal human being anymore.
I've pondered going to the hospital myself and asking them to take me to a psychiatrist through the emergency room but I'm not even sure that's possible since I'm a minor.
I don't know what to do, especially since I'm afraid of my mom's reactions and her thinking I'm insane along with the rest of my family. I know I need help. I want help. But I'm scared of reaching out and getting it.
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self.depression
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Netflix’s ‘Bright’ gets shit on by movie critics but ‘The Last Jedi’ is considered one of the best Star Wars movie. Are you kidding me? I don’t mind it when movies touch on subjects like discrimination especially since I’ve been discriminated many times growing up. If you don’t like to see it at all in movies I understand too! But it happens. I just ask that they do it right.
Both Bright and The Last Jedi (TLJ) does this. Where TLJ failed miserably with this by (in my opinion) pushing this discrimination to the point of ruining a franchise, Bright does incredibly well.
It touches these sensitive issues and does it right. Both can be enjoyable. But if I had to compare, both aren’t perfect but Bright was way better than TLJ.
However, I just don’t get how critics can shit on a movie that did it right (touching on sensitive issues correctly in film) vs TLJ which they basically and, pointlessly extended the movie by probably an hour, shoved this narrative so very awkwardly.
Feels like I’m taking crazy pills after reading these critics.
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self.offmychest
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I’m debating weather to do it or not My fiancée split up with me 2 weeks back but she never gave me a reasons why apart from that I was in the army. Now she’s treating me like I’ve done wrong and saying I need to give her money that I owe but I don’t owe her nothing and everytime she messages me I get an urge to end it all because I won’t have to feel this loneliness and pain
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self.SuicideWatch
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Feeling the absolute worst I've felt after a Six-Year relationship. Yesterday was the day I was told by a friend to visit this sub in hoping it would help.
I just got out of a six-year relationship, and the aftermath of it all has given me the worst anxiety I've felt in a very long time. Its been giving me this dread about death and I rush to ask my parents, but they aren't exactly experts on anything mental health related.
I have a great system of friends who are willing to talk to me at basically any point of the night because night jobs or otherwise. I appreciate this, but part of me feels I need an expert who can deconstruct why I feel this way towards death and dying when I'm only 27.
I've had run-ins with anxiety in the past, but this feels like some new boiling point that will explode if I don't act soon. Please help me understand what I'm going through.
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self.Anxiety
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Can I call suicide hotline if I'm not doing it immediately? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm honestly sick of seeing all this sexual harassment bull shit all the time. I get it, sexual harassment/assault is wrong. I find it reprehensible. But the problem I have with it being blasted over every media outlet is it begins to trivialize real claims of it. Every time some new incident is brought up the number of claims relating to that incident skyrocket.
The Sandusky case is a good example. Once that was out in the open, it suddenly seemed like every high school in America was littered with kids claiming a teacher molested them, and I have to sit back and think about how many of these claims are genuine versus how many just want their fifteen minutes.
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self.offmychest
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Health anxiety Hi everyone, I was wondering if anyone here shared my experience with health related anxiety. I don't think I am a hypochondriac, everything I worry about is real and actually affects me. But recently I was diagnosed with a condition that will pretty much ruin my life in a few years. I have never had anxiety before, or depression, but the past few weeks have been hell on earth. I would wake up at 6am with a panic attack and lie in bed for 2 hours before I get the courage to get out and get ready for the day. Every time I find myself enjoying myself, or forgetting about my health, it would come back like a sledgehammer to my chest, and I would be reminded of the horrible timeline that is my future. I was wondering if anyone had ever been diagnosed with something that put them into a mental hole, and how they climbed out of it? Thanks for listening to my rant.
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self.Anxiety
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I guess normal looking guys will do for a relationship [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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why not? have spent the past 4 years of my life trying to turn things around. Just when I thought that I've really started to make progress, it all comes crashing down. I feel like existence is cruel and deterministic. I don't really know what else to do.
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self.SuicideWatch
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It's been years but I'm not over it My brother is 3 years older than me. One of my first memories, I was 2, maybe 3 years old, and he told me to put my hand on a brick and hold it really still. He dropped another brick on top of it.
My parents thought it was "sibling rivalry", told us over and over we needed to stop fighting, needed to get along, would punish both of us if they caught us. I was always the one getting hurt. Eventually I stopped telling them about it.
When I was 4 I made a friend up the street. She was a year older than me, an only child. I spent as much time at her house as I could - I was safe there. No one yelled at me, no one called me worthless or stupid. No one pushed me or hit me or threatened me. No one took my things.
But my friend molested me.
I don't remember when or how it started. We used to play house, like any other kids. But playing house with her meant going to bed and laying down and taking off our pants like real mommies and daddies did.
I remember once crying and telling her I didn't want to play those games any more. She told me if I didn't want to play with her then I'd have to go home. I didn't want to go home.
It went on for years. We went to different schools, but I saw her after school, on the weekends, went on vacations with her in the summers. Eventually we started to grow apart. The last time I remember her touching me I was 12. She thought I was asleep. I pretended to be asleep while she touched me over my pants, then rolled over so she couldn't reach.
We lost touch, but you never really lose touch with old friends like that. She sang at my wedding. The only person who knew the history was my husband. He told me not to invite her, but he didn't understand how impossible that was. Her family practically raised me. No one knew.
When I was 18 I moved out. The summer before i left, I tried to fix things with my brother. I told him I was sorry for whatever I did to make him hate me. I told him I forgave him. I told him I wanted to fix it, I wanted us to be normal. He spat on me and told me he didn't have a sister.
I always brought someone with me when I went home to visit, that way I knew we'd never be in the house alone. He was always careful when people were around. He'd say things, he'd threaten me, but he wouldn't touch me.
He still lives with my parents. My kids are getting older - they notice their uncle doesn't say much, doesn't play with them or talk with them like the rest of their family does. I told my mom we wouldn't be visiting as often. Now when we go, he's usually out for the day. It's easier, but I'm not sure it's better.
A couple years ago my grandmother was watching my kids playing. She mentioned how good it was my son didn't get the mean streak, the temper, that he wasn't awful to his sister like my brother had been. She said he couldn't help it, it was in his genes, such a same for him. She didn't mention what it must have been like for me. I told her it was time for us to go.
I always told myself they didn't know - my parents, my aunt, my grandmother, my friend's parents - I told myself the adults in my life had no idea about any of it. If they knew they would have done something. If they knew they would have helped.
She knew. I'm still not sure how to deal with that, how to forgive her.
I'm better now. I've been to therapy. I'm happily married. My kids are healthy and safe. Sometimes when they argue it triggers flashbacks. Sometimes I need to lock myself in my room, but now that they're older, it's easier. My husband understands. Close friends know I was abused. A few know I was molested. I don't hide it.
I just watched *Perks of being a Wallflower* and it wrecked me a bit, and I needed to get this out so I don't sit here all day thinking about it.
I am better. I am. But that doesn't mean the memories aren't there. It doesn't mean I understand. It doesn't mean the things done to me don't still have an effect.
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self.offmychest
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My parents are too smart I’ve had two failed suicide attempts and now my parents have ‘suicide proofed’ the whole house. All blades and pointy objects are hidden either out of site or on top shelves that I can’t reach. All electrical sockets have plastic covers on them. All the big windows are locked forever and the key is hidden. I’m not even allowed to run a bubble bath anymore because they think I’ll drown myself in it. They’re too damn smart.
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self.depression
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My friends are tearing themselves apart and I don't know what to do, please help [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Bitter towards life The title. I just feel such a bitter hatred of everything in life now. Tired of the same feelings ,same actions day after day. Nothing feels rewarding anymore. Recently it went from numbness to total hatred.
Anyone else ever feel this way?
I've talked to people. They all say "It'll get better" "We'll work on this"
How can I get better if I lost my will to live?
(For background, read my other posts.)
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self.depression
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I like to think of myself as a supernatural creature. Like being a vampire or a werewolf.
It sucks. Balls. It could very well lead to my demise. But ...
I have a mind which makes you hide this condition really well, cares more about suffering and not letting others feel this way, make every trivial positive moment feel blissful, feel really really proud of creating something after long periods of unproductivity because I actually mustered up the strength to do it, is mentally stronger (and perhaps weaker at the same time) and can connect to people closer ... I don't know, so many people I admire share this condition. I'm not sure if depression makes it this way, I'm just typing what I observe. And I hope I don't come off as conceited ...
Ah hell, these "benefits" don't even work for me all the time. It sucks all the time so there's therapy and even that is hard. I'm not trying to tell people with depression to "look on the bright side" or even make them relate to this. It's just a stupid shower thought.
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self.depression
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Depression effecting my education I just don’t feel like going on anymore in college. I’m backed up on work and just want to either drop classes or drop out entirely. I’m not happy there, but I know that if I drop out or fail a class I’ll be a disappointment to my parents and my friends. I just feel too bummed out to do anything really, let alone school work. Anyone else ever feel like this?
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self.depression
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Anxiety meds (and yes I'll be talking to my pdoc too). So I'm on klonopin...which should never be long term and I have had substance abuse issues in my past....so no more benzos please. I can't do SSRIs and am sort of afraid of any antidepressants....because I also have bipolar which sort of throws a wrench into things. But of course now that my mood is generally stable I'm noticing the torment of my anxiety again. I am going to talk to my pdoc about this but I wouldn't mind hearing about experiences too.
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self.Anxiety
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Anyone else feel bad when they look back to when were were a kid? The hopes and dreams we had as a child are the worst to think about. Sometimes i wish i could go back in time to say sorry to the that happy bubbly child. From what i was and what i have become is just a sad site. Anyways Happy new year and i hope this year brings you guys happiness in some form
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self.depression
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F**k she is sorely missed. Viva Carrie Fisher! (For anyone needing encouragement tonight) “One of the things that baffles me (and there are quite a few) is how there can be so much lingering stigma with regards to mental illness, specifically bipolar disorder. In my opinion, living with manic depression takes a tremendous amount of balls. Not unlike a tour of Afghanistan (though the bombs and bullets, in this case, come from the inside). At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you're living with this illness and functioning at all, it's something to be proud of, not ashamed of.
They should issue medals along with the steady stream of medication.”
― Carrie Fisher, Wishful Drinking
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self.bipolar
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How to explain how I feel to my bf [deleted]
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self.depression
|
The title doesn’t suggest it, but this poster in /r/tax needs help the community there can’t offer I don’t frequent this sub but would appreciate if someone would reach out in the below thread:
https://www.reddit.com/r/tax/comments/7ewtj0/1099_c_student_loan_forgiveness_tax_estimate/?st=JABZ8FT8&sh=0afca256
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self.SuicideWatch
|
my last year classmates ask me to go out with them this sturday.. if i go out with them my depression won't let me have fun. I already said no but i'm sure that i gonna regret it. What do you think guys?
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self.depression
|
Alone and unfulfilled When I was 22, I was at a very low point in my life. I was obese, had failed out of college by never attending class, and was alternating between being unemployed and working terrible jobs like being a dishwasher.
I'm still unsure of where I got the strength but I turned everything around. I lost 100 lbs through proper diet and exercise and have kept it off for the most part ever since then. I was able to get a much better job and got back into college, where I learned from my past mistake and excelled. I just completed my master's degree in August and have passed the CPA exam.
Despite these achievements, I am feeling like I have hit rock bottom once again. I accepted a job directly after grad school and was fired after 4 months. I am still looking for another job despite having what I consider to be great qualifications. I have very few friends, none of which live within 300 miles. My dating life is nonexistent. The closest thing I've had to a girlfriend was a 1 month fling over 2 years ago. It was the greatest feeling I've ever had but I feel like it was a sick joke to give me that taste of true happiness only to yank it away.
My motivation is dwindling rapidly. When I set those goals 6 years ago, I thought they would change my life. I thought getting fit would help me finally be considered dateable. While it helped marginally, I have still never had a relationship and haven't had sex in over a year. I thought getting my master's degree would finally give me a fruitful and rewarding career. All it did was give me hope and yank it away.
I'm starting to worry about how much more I can handle. Luckily, I have enough money saved to go backpacking through Europe for a couple months. I'm excited but know that it is just a temporary escape and I will be forced to confront my situation when I return.
How can I possibly stay motivated knowing that I have accomplished so many tough goals only for it to lead right back to rock bottom? It seems like any goal I have that involves someone else giving me a chance fails. No friends, no career, no dating life. What is the point of living without these things? How can I possibly muster up the strength to fight on knowing that my hard work will continue to lead nowhere?
I'm not close to suicide, at least until after my trip. But the thoughts are there. I've been thinking about it more and more lately. The most I've thought about it since before I turned my life around.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Please give me a tangible reason I just want to be valued and liked like everyone else around me is. But I don't have anything to prove it. I'm alone again and again.
I'm tired of the cognitive dissonance please give me something
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Driving Test! So my driving test is on the 12th, its my second one and it been 2 months since my first test and ive lost confidence so much and my driving instructor isnt helping! I feel like im not ready at all but i dont wanna dissapoint anyone and change the date, Ive got 3 days till my test and right now my anxiety is bad and probably wont get better till after my test, has anyone got any tips to help me with this? Im trying to keep busy but its so hard when its all i can think about
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self.Anxiety
|
I give up I'm 27 years old, just got dumped by my fiance just as we were starting to really plain out joining our lives together. We had been planing this for 3 and a half years.
I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for a long time but this relationship was the first thing that made me feel hope and motivation and now I am back to square one. I dont believe that there is anyone out there who would be willing to put up with the broken person that I am and I have given so much in this relationship that I can never get back. I dont care about myself enough to try anymore and no one is going to want me until I improve. So I'm stuck, until I feel loved I will never try to improve and no one would ever want me like this. Why should I keep going when there is no chance for happiness?
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self.depression
|
(Advice) Constantly Hungry, Stomach Always feels Empty I'm not on medication but I feel constantly hungry and even when I eat until I'm sick I still want to eat more. Eating Ice seems to help some days but others I just have to everything I can to stay away from food. Is there anything any one does that can help me.
My diet mainly consists of vegetables, protein (chicken and beef) some fish, and fruit. Some frozen yogurt occasionally and chocolate. I try and stay away from bread but I do eat a good amount of corn tortillas ( i live in Mexico).
Plenty of exercise I live in San luis San Luis Potosi ( mexico's NYC) so I walk a lot and do body weight exercises.
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self.bipolar
|
Message I want to send to my boyfriend but I cant I feel like such a horrible person. I don’t want to meet your best friend because I am so scared of her and she makes me so anxious because I know shes better than me in a million ways. I feel like I will never be anything compared to her. I will never mean anything compared to her. I shouldnt feel like that because she is your best friend.
I am a horrible person because I dont want to see my family the people who are supposed to love me the most but just being around them makes me incredibly anxious and sad. I hate it. I hate that I dont want to see them or be around them but I dont know how to change that. I dont know how to be better. I dont know what to do. I just want to die so I dont have to be a shitty person anymore. So that people, you, my family, can be happy, so that they can have normal lives that I am not constantly fucking up. Im such a horrible person.
I just want to die.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
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