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I've got my first therapy session ever tomorrow. I'm pretty worried and keep going over things in my head, what should I expect?
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self.Anxiety
|
How Can I Minimise the Pain of My Suicide for Family and Friends. Sorry for the really dark title.
Hello. I'm going to commit suicide on new years, and I'm 19. I have no problems in my life save for Aspergers related stuff, starting uni in December. I've really decided it's just the end of the road for me, I've lived what life I wanted to live, and it's time to 'close the book', so to speak. I typically just stress everyone out and I'm generally a pretty negative influence on everything, so I think this is ultimately for the best.
I understand that unfortunately my suicide will hurt my family and the few friends I have, and I'm looking for ways to minimise that. I plan on writing a very nice suicide letter to let them know it is 100% not their fault, and I also want to take out life insurance cover to give them some money when I pass.
Also, please don't encourage me not to die, I've been planning this for years and there really is nothing that can stop me, this is just what I want. I would much prefer if you could provide some more tips on how to minimise the harm I'll cause.
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self.depression
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It’s getting long. So for I’d say about 6-7years now I’ve been fairly depressed, no motivation, I just want to sleep, I only feel good when I have a task at hand... now it’s getting to the point that leaving work I get extremely down, very dark thoughts, and especially the passed year I’ve felt very very angry, and I really don’t know why or what’s wrong...
Everything in my life seems to be doing well, I have a wonderful wife, great job where all my coworkers and bosses love me, I have all the chances to move up in the next couple years... etc. I don’t currently have any major problems, other than crippling medical debt ( Thanks appendix! )
I have a feeling it’s associated with two fairly traumatic events in my life one being the attempted suicide of my father nearly 6 years ago, and being used horribly by my first girlfriend, to what I think wasn’t necessarily intentional but looking back and now at the present seems that it may have been...
So for the latter, my ex girlfriends family had a friend, John, who was well the family’s “uncle” even though he was a good friend of her father. Well long story short, he and my ex sort of had a relationship, I’m pretty sure she was just brainwashed when she was 12-13 into thinking it was normal and she was his lover ( John was early 30s at the time ) which the family seemed to have sort of found out and shunned him and pretty much had her on lockdown. I now come into the picture awkward, shy, individual that is now with this ( at the time I thought ) was beautiful, happy, funny girl... 13 year old me was thrilled beyond belief. After a couple months it starts getting a bit weird now that I look back... she start using me to talk to him, with my phone etc... and she seemed much happier when she talked to him etc... it pretty much go to the point we’d go for a walk at night ( they loved me and trusted me ) and she’d go meet up with him... and hug him, kiss him “ I love you” etc... I knew it was wrong and fucked up but I had rose tinted glasses... we broke up like 3 months later she kind of went off the deep end... well now she’s dating a 40 year old ( she’s of course of legal age now at like 22 ) but it just seems to reaffirm to me that I was just a tool to get what she needed. And it seems to really have fucked me up and it sucks big time..
She also like last year messaged me saying how se was lucky that I was there, she loved me and missed me. Telling me her family problems ( pos baby daddy etc.. ) at that point I deleted her and blocked her on social media.
Then my dad situation is typical, got in some shit and debt, girlfriend was breaking up with him or something and he got drunk and laid on her hood and attempted to shoot himself, she lurched into drive and he only blew half his face off. Survived but missing an eye and pretty horrible sinuses. Thatshit still tears me up hard... he got back into drinking hardcore ( alcoholic , quit when I was 7, start back after the incident around 17 ) id pretty much just drive my car with the very little gas money I could gather ( Canadian immigrant to the United States... couldn’t work due to being on a TD Visa, that’s a whole other situation of stress ) I ended up pretty much living at my now wife’s house, and at the time we weren’t dating I was “in love” with some other girl etc. we started dating shortly after I moved in... I was a big pile of shit, treated her horribly and pretty much heated on her, I have no excuse I was prett fucked up back then... I regret all of it everyday and I’ll never live it down. So pretty much starts seeing my dad part time, just to say hi, have lunch, and he’d give me 60-100$ every week for shinanigans. My wife’s family became my family, her dad treated me like one of his son... it took a long time for me and my dads relationship to get better and healthy, and it all just sucks.
I hate to sound like I’m whining and stuff, this was more so just a vent and getting stuff out I suppose
Hope everyone is having a good day. Thank you.
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self.depression
|
Facing my fears. Today I decided to face my fears despite my high functioning anxiety and paranoia. I went outside. Watched my surrounding and it wasn’t that bad. I’ve always been feeling like everyones eyes are on me which makes me very anxious. When I watched the people around me it turned out that they weren’t even staring at me at all which made me really happy. I will continue facing my fears so that I hopefully can get rid of this awful illness.
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self.Anxiety
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the other day my friend, who is in college, said "ugh I'm failing epigenetics" [her class] [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Reached rock bottom. But after all this time, life found a way I can still feel it inside. It has always been part of me anyways. I've always accepted my depression. But I was still having this deep principle of always saying to everyone pitying me "It will go for the best one day, one way or another". I never believed what I was saying either, but still, when I was hitting every floor to the bottom, I kept on saying this to others around, with a smile on my face.
I spent months trapped in my room, not talking to anyone. No job, no money. Eating three times a week. Not showering at all. Piles of garbage in my room. On the verge of getting kicked out of my house. Just wishing for a meteor to hit me.
And for some reason today, I got a good job and an early big paycheck. I'm still wondering if I died or if it is all a prank, but it seems like I have to play along. For some reason today I called my mother for the first time in a year. For some reason today some old friends I had a diss with came to talk to me with a smile. For some reason today I only got good news.
For some reason, today felt like day long NDE.
It is still here inside, it will always be here in a way. But it seems like at one point, things move on. Hope still feels vain to me. Nothing seems important still. But life always finds a way, because it is not about me. It is just about how life goes.
Just wanted to share what I witnessed today. It is not a call for hope. I'm not saying everything will get better some day. Just that things move on the way life wants it.
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self.depression
|
Disassociating I know that this is an involuntary coping mechanism that I developed but I hate it nothing feels real and it’s terrifying!!!!! Help!?!?! Idk if I’m dreaming or if this is real right now?!?!? This is just making me more anxious gdi.
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self.Anxiety
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Everything is my fault. The problem is with me. I could’ve done better but I failed. Why would I think that? I don’t know any other way.
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self.depression
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If thoughts are supposed to be photos, mine feel like GIFs right now Y'all know that feeling?
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self.bipolar
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Why do people keep raising my hopes only to leave me disappointed and reinforcing those thoughts that tell me no one cares about me? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Subreddit for GAD? Why can’t I find a subreddit specifically for Generalized Anxiety Disorder?
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self.Anxiety
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i dont know what being happy feels like anymore [deleted]
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self.depression
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Vraylar Hey guys I posted this on another forum but I was just seeing if anyone has taken it or heard good word about. I’m on lithium for my bipolar 1 and it’s severe but I was wondering if vraylar is good too?! Stay strong guys:D -MTA
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self.bipolar
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I'm playing life on ultra hard mega impossible nightmare mode [deleted]
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self.depression
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Commune Is anyone interested if I start a community in the ca desert for homeless and suicidal? It would be free or cheap and food and water and camping gear provided, we would sit around a fire and drink tea.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I don't feel like existing anymore I don't want to exist anymore, I've always felt like I'm nothing but wasted space in this world and just one big failure in the eyes of everyone around me. The only person that i actually cared for doesn't even hardly remember me anymore when I go and see her almost every weekend due to several strokes and a EXTREME UTI.
i feel as though if I were to just pull the trigger on this gun, it will finally be over and I can just end this emptiness that I've been feeling almost all my life.
The only time that I remember not feeling this way was when I was 8-9 years old.
I feel as though If i were to do it, the world would replace me with someone more worthy in my stead....
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What are your favorite distractions? Hello!
Long time lurker, first time poster. In the interest of staying alive until my new dosage of medication kicks in (and hopefully works), my therapist suggested I stay distracted.
So my question to you is, what are your favorite things to do to distract yourself? And if you have any specific recommendations (like a video game, book, movie, etc;), even better!
Thank you!
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self.bipolar
|
Does it ever end? Something finally clicked with me recently and I realized this needed to stop. I've been putting myself out there more hoping to break through this.
For the past few years, the thought of talking to girls, going out to bars and other social events made me physically ill. I simply couldn't even imagine doing these things.
The past two months I have gone on a handful of dates with girls from dating apps, I have made more of an effort to talk to coworkers and break through my social anxiety. I figured after the first few times I would realize that it isn't so bad and I really have nothing to worry about.
But that isn't the case. Before each date I am still feeling physically ill. Each time I get up to go talk to a coworker I freeze and sound like a bumbling moron. Every time I go to a bar or party, I feel super uncomfortable and leave shortly after.
Does it ever end? Should I keep putting myself into these situations hoping that one day it will?
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self.Anxiety
|
I did something awful, and I want to end myself I am a kid, but please know that this isnt some kid messing around, i just really want to end myself or talk to someone
I have had a voice in my head for quite a few years, saying stuff like "you should hurt your friend" "you should kill them" and I knew that this stuff was wrong so i haven't until now. A few hours ago, i attempted to poison my parents. they kept nagging me and i was In a bad mood and didn't want to listen to them, and they yelled at me after me yelling at them. I put bleach in their tea and waited, i was home alone. I realized that the bleach wouldn't work after a while then i dumped out the tea and realized what i had just done. I had just tried to kill my parents. I'm so disappointed and disgusted at myself. I want to end myself for this awful thing i have done. That weird voice in my head though always tells me to hurt people. I got in school suspension for hurting kids that don't deserve it, twice. I realized all of my past actions and my actions today, and I want to end myself for this awful thing I tried to do. If I don't end myself, I will end up telling my parents and they will submit me into a mental hospital, I don't want to go into a mental hospital. If i don't kill myself then I will just suffer forever until I die. I don't know what to do, and I'm scared.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Going back to work next week and feeling extremely overwhelmed Hey all,
Big ole complaint here.
So I lost my job last month after only a few months just to go back to my old job (the one I had before newer job.) My manager is great and says he was thrilled to have me back and he just sent me the schedule for next week and I’m on it, so I texted him saying something along the lines of being excited to come back. He responds with saying that he wanted to talk on Thursday because he had to “really sell it to get me back in” and that “it’s not a big deal or anything.” I was like “wow I’m so sorry, that makes me feel terrible,” and he told me it was okay and we’d talk about it on Thursday.
Now I know I’m going to be a wreck from now til Thursday. Any chance of having a decent day tomorrow is thrown out the window. Did my pay decrease? Are the owners mad? Are they going to be on my case every second of the day? Did he mention the bipolar to them?
I’m so anxious and scared of what this conversation will consist of.
I left on good terms to go to the newer job simply because it was closer to my house, whereas the older job was kind of a drive. I decided to go back after losing the newer job because I know the ins and outs of the older job like it’s second nature. Plus they could really use the help.
I just hate the feeling that he had to stick his neck out for me like that. I would’ve rather them just not taken me back at all than have this little leave I took looming over my head. It sucks.
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self.bipolar
|
Advice on overcoming fear of taking final step? This is a sincere request for help to gather the courage to finally end my journey. The longer I am around, the more debts I rack up, the more pain I cause to those around me, and the longer I prolong the inevitable. The people in my life know I will end my life at some point, as do I, and I wish us all to experience the relief of having it over and done with.
All I need is to get my dog to the shelter when it opens in 4 hours (they will call my next of kin when I don't return to pick her up), and then get myself to the location I've chosen which is a 5 hour drive from here. What would you tell someone to get them to stop postponing and get on with it? How do you get over that foolish fear when you know this is the right decision?
I'm not asking for hatemongers to haze me into hating myself enough to kill myself, I'm asking for respectful feedback on how to help me achieve the only goal I have in my life and to follow through on my sincere desire to be done. I don't know why I can't seem to take this last step and I know how much pain I am keeping everyone, myself included, in purgatory.
Thank you in advance to those who wish me well and will want to encourage me to stay alive to keep fighting. I appreciate those sentiments so much and am sorry not to be able to follow your advice, though I hope others will. I know my solution to my problems is imperfect, but it is the only one that is viable for me, and I thank you also in advance for respecting that.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My boyfriend won't marry me. I'm just needing to let this out. I'm going to try and accept that he won't marry me. 5 years into the relationship and I just bought us a house and he bought us farm land to carry on his families cattle business. He's always made the "marriage is the leading cause of divorce" jokes & then other times he'd casually talk about how he wants our reception. But tonight I've finally realized he won't marry me. He sat down and looked at our taxes to see if we would benefit. We won't- he said there's no point in getting married since we'll pay 7k extra in. He was very serious. I'm going to do my best to accept this. I'm heartbroken- He asked why I even want to get married. I told him I would love the share that bond with him and share a name with him and our future children (he wants kids in a couple years.) He said just start signing my name with his. He said we are basically married and he doesn't want to ruin it. I'm just going to accept this and do my best on not to pester and bug him. I would rather have him in my life as a forever boyfriend than not have him at all. Sorry for the long post. Just needed to get this out.
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self.offmychest
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Might die in a few hours My girlfriend might breakup with me tonight. I just can't handle it all over again. It's nothing I did. She's stressed with school/work stuff and wants to breakup with me over it... which is weird. I mean, you'd think she'd want me for comfort, but whatever. She's really been the light of my life for awhile now. I was so depressed and just kind of un-grounded, if that makes sense. I feel like I was just kind off the rails. It wasn't with drugs, alcohol or anything. I was just out of it, if that makes any sense. When I met her, she's helped me with so much. With her, I finally figured out what I want to do with life, discover myself as a person, so many things. I've helped her a great deal as well. So for this to end over something out of my control and something so weird is just bs to me.
I've been through multiple breakups. They've all taken a piece of me with them. That's how it goes for everyone, but it feels like they rip such a part of me and it never comes back. One ex just went on a rant against me. Called me a bunch of hurtful names. None of which were called for, of course. I don't have many friends to hangout with to ease the pain either. So breakups have always been particularly painful. Anyway, I have some alcohol and plenty of sleeping pills. I'm feeling like if she breaks up with me, I'll could kill myself with that. I'm really not sure. Just fantasizing, I suppose.
This isn't my first time posting here either. I sometimes ask myself, "how many more times before you finally break?" I just love her a lot and can't bear the thought of being alone again. I know I'll spiral into self-harm all over again. I don't really fear death either. So it's a slippery slope.
Sorry for this disjointed, long rant. If anyone maybe has any advice, I'd appreciate it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Is it even possible to heal from chronic suicidal ideation? 8 years now to be exact. I feel like healing and being normal isn't even possible by this point.
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self.depression
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Does watching porn really make you more anxious? I know it’s the common theory but there is no evidence to actually prove it. Do you think it’s true?
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self.Anxiety
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My mom just told me to stay the fuck away from her. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Sometimes I wonder if I abused my ex, too [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
My fetish ruined my long-term relationship. (or: How To Ruin Someone's Self-Esteem and Sexual Confidence by Not Admitting to Your Paraphilia)
Sex has always been a baffling thing to me. Something I did because I thought I had to in order to have a relationship, and because kissing sure was fun, but I never really got the actual sex part. I used to laugh during sex, which obviously was a confusing turn-off for the man trying their goddamn hardest to please me. They could try forever, but I would never be pleased. I didn't know what an orgasm even was until I was 23, when I finally learned what masturbating really was, because I had finally pin-pointed my trigger: I am excited by sleeping men.
When I had that divine realization, all those weird little "incidents" in my childhood and youth came to light. So that's why I forced that boy to get into my bed and try and lure him to sleep when I was 6 years old. How confusing and strange that must have been for such a young boy, to have such a young girl enact their paraphilia upon them, unknowingly (but maybe a bit, just a little, in a way). So that's why sex has always been so baffling to me. I'd never been turned on before! But here I was, at 23, in my first real, honest-to-God relationship with a man I actually loved, in his bed, naked, cumming gloriously again and again and again (and again and again and again...). Furious, wonderful, wet masturbation, energetic bliss in its purest form, and all I needed was his dozing face, his beautiful, limp, twitching body, the rhythmic breathing, those little snores. I knew full well what I had discovered that day. It was the truth. My truth, finally unlocked, recognized for what it was.
This should have led to a happy, healthy sex life. Isn't it a good thing to know what precise tick turns you on? And falling asleep isn't too much to ask of a man, right? We'll fall asleep together every night when we live together. And I'll happen upon him, dozed off on the couch, or snagging a quick cat nap on the bed. So much opportunity for exploration and discovery, right?
Instead, I shacked up with a partner who never napped, and rarely came to to bed at the same time as me, and did not respond to my pleas for a cooperative bed time. No surprise naps on the couch. Hardly any co-napping either. Darn. So, you'd think possibly honesty would be the best policy here, right? Your partner *is* starting to wonder why you never get turned on with them, *ever* (and I mean that: as soon as I recognized my somnophilia, I was never able to get turned on in any other fashion ever again). Why we only have sex on Saturday mornings. But no. Instead of being open with my poor partner, even after almost a decade together in a loving, committed relationship, I kept this secret locked painfully inside. There were times when I thought perhaps he'd caught on to me, but now I really don't think he had any clue at all. How could he think I, who was bashful and careful and not at all sexual, was actually habouring a wonderful and dirty secret, the actual key to my sexuality: an irresistible sexual fascination with sleeping men. He never knew that I could come 15 times in a row, inside of 30 minutes, if the "perfect chain of events" presented itself. Would he have enjoyed that knowledge? I don't know, I was never able to confess. I was so deeply ashamed of myself. I hated myself, truly, for being this way, for failing him sexually, for not being normal, for having such an intrusive trigger , and I hated myself most of all for allowing myself to privately experience pure bliss as he slept unawares beside me.
He has finally left me. He never said that sex had anything to do with it. In reality, it was one of many things. We're no longer talking, and I am heartbroken, because I feel that my witholding this secret ultimately must have fucked with him mentally. He could never have known that I was deceiving him. He felt himself unattractive, unwanted. Broken. Soiled. He accused me once of cheating on him, but he couldn't have been farther from the truth. I never looked at another man. He asked me if I was gay -- of course not! I never fantasized about anyone. I was deeply attracted to him. I betrayed him only by not trusting him enough with my feelings to open up to him about my sexuality.
Now he's gone, our love is gone, and he probably thinks it's his fault, and we're not talking and I can't tell him the truth. I want so badly, more than anything on Earth to tell him. But what good would it do now? Our lives are now firmly separated, the communication is gone, and our love has been forcefully buried, never to be exhumed. I feel most guilty because part of why he left was his own exhausting fight against depression, a battle he has been losing overall, especially within the last year. And I thought our sex life hadn't been so bad lately, but it was still severely infrequent (once a week at MOST but often once every 2 weeks) and always initiated by me, in the morning, on Saturday, no exceptions. If he tried to initiate with me, I'd turn him down, because I could not be excited in that manner. The night before we broke up, I turned him down. The millionth time in our relationship, and the last. I don't blame him for one second for recognizing that his partner wasn't attracted to him (I was, I absolutely was, just not in the *normal* way...) and for finally giving up and no longer accepting the rejection. He didn't deserve that. He did not deserve to be made to feel unwanted because his idiot shameful girlfriend decided to feel disgusting about their paraphilia instead of accepting it as something good and exciting and let's face it, *easy*. I was and am so ashamed. I've posted about this issue in the past on Reddit, and every single person begged me to be open with my partner, if I loved him. If I was comfortable with him, I'd be honest, and we could explore this together. But instead, I retreated further and further into my guilt and shame (not as though that ever once prevented me from acting on it - I was a downright creep) and knowingly allowed him to go on confused and naive. I let him hate himself for no fucking reason other than my own discomfort.
If you love your partner, please, I beg of you: be honest about your sexual preferences, hang ups, fears, fantasies, and most especially, if you have a specific fetish. If you're like me, and you can only get turned on by an exclusive circumstance (a paraphilia, in my case, somnophilia) then you absolutely need to be open, honest, and up front about it. Do not commit this act of emotional (and maybe even sexual) abuse against your partner. Your lack of honesty will fuck with their brains, with their self esteem, and will erode the communication channels in your relationship. If you don't tell them, you will knowingly watch your partner suffer, and you will be the cause, and you will allow them to suffer while still fulfilling yourself. You will be ashamed, and you will cause you both great turmoil. And when it ends, you will fucking squirm, and regret, and ruminate, and regret some more. This is not *the* single reason for our relationship's end, but it's probably, deep down, the main reason. This breakdown in communication seeps into every aspect of your love, because you are choosing to lie with your words and your body every day. Everything else on the surface can be perfect, but this is a lie that poisons.
I start therapy next week, in order to learn how to manage this sexual preference, and how to be honest with future partners so that I don't again lose the one I love.
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self.offmychest
|
My Dad Touched Me (twice) As A Kid Ok so he did not actually know he did it. And I know hes not a pedo because I saw him looking at naked women around his age (gross) He sleep walks and has night terrors almost every night. My mom caught him twice. I slept in the same bed as them until about grade 2
When she confronted him about it he thought she was going crazy when she managed to prove it he cried he had no idea what he was doing
Since then they have not mentioned it and I dont think they know I remember it. I dont appear to have any psychological issues from it now but I know I did a little in my teen years a little. Most I remember is me shedding silent tears as my soul was demoralized but I only remeber one time. The 2nd time I remember her confronting him but not what actually happened but the conversation they had didnt connect til I was older Im posting because i have not told a soul not my brothers not my closest friends nobody. Just something I wanted to share and get off my chest
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self.offmychest
|
I didn't kill myself I posted yesterday that I was going to kill myself. I went out into the woods to do it away from home and away from other people. But I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't work up the courage to do it.
I just sat there for hours crying and thinking. To be honest I'm glad I didn't kill myself now and am going to seek help that I need.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I have a job interview in a few days and I'm already anxious aF I should be grateful but holy crap I can't do this. I keep telling myself that I can't "screw up" because not getting the job won't be the end of the world and there will be other opportunities but it's different when you're already in the situation and I'm someone who feels shame very quickly. I feel like a child again anxiously dreading going back to school after a long summer break and wishing time would stop (and hoping makes things just that much worse because I know time won't stop). Idk, I just hate losing and failing to impress them is me losing and I'd rather not try than try and fail. Sorry for ranting
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self.Anxiety
|
Now what? Just like a lot of people here on this forum, it's harder for me to deal with life. Though of course, I'm not the most tragic person out there, I still live with a lot of pain and issues in my own right. I'm not here to be wallowing in self pity. I just want suggestions.
We all are interested in the diagnoses of our issues, because that's the easiest part. What you do after you know what's going on is the hard part. I'll get to the point. I never feel... validated. Everything I do, makes me feel inappropriate and miniscule. Every interaction I make, or decision I make, I second guess myself. I'm miserable. My family, friends, people I can't isolate myself from, do not make feel make me feel any more confident in my own choices.
What can I do to train myself to not invalidate everything about myself? I can exercise more, sleep better, and it may lift my overall mood. Then what? My thoughts will always follow a specific pattern. I don't want it to work like this, every time someone looks at me funny I get defensive. I'm 20, there's got to be a better way to live my life. What can I do to change this?
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self.Anxiety
|
Had an interview for a new job and I am afraid that once I start it I'll be bored. Hey all, it's been a while (read that in the voice of the singer from Staind). I have posted here in the past talking about how my current job is really stressful and caused all sorts of anxiety and depression. My current job is always understaffed, HQ doesn't care to listen to the needs of the stores, the people we do get are drama queens and unmotivated people. I work my ass off mostly covering at least 2 positions most days (sometimes more depending on who is slacking). As management I have tried to do all that I can to help them and make the store run.
So about a month ago I started looking for something new. Yesterday I had an interview and today I got a message from them. they want me to call them back regarding the position. I called them back and I got the job! (I literally just got off the phone with them) It pays more and it's data entry so I am sure it will be less stressful. However there are a few things that worry me.
One telling my old job I am quitting. They are really short staffed right now and losing a good employee is going to make it really really hard. I know I shouldn't care but, HQ isn't quick acting or helpful in these situations...at all. I love my co-workers but it's really going to put a lot of them under even more stress than what they deserve.
Second. I have read that data entry is boring af. I get to listen to music and I am a huge podcast nerd so it might not be that bad. I love the idea of not running around like a chicken with my head cut off, and coming home fuming and exhausted. I am going to do the st i can and I think it will be a nice change of pace, but I just hope I don't get really bored of it. The nice part is more pay, weekend off and a set schedule!
All that being said I am really excited for something new and overwhelmed with joy that I will be leaving my crappy job. Any pointers, encouragement, or just happy dancing gifs would be really appreciated!
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self.Anxiety
|
I'd really want to drown myself in self pity for being socially inept [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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just venting Hey all
I dunno how to start this rant/stream of consciousness off, but I've been felt completely empty as of late...Well, I've felt depressed for years but I feel like I've been in this terrible depressing state for a month now. I would've thought it'd last a few days, but no. I'm still in it.
I don't enjoy anything anymore or not as much as I used to by a far margin, so every morning just feels wasted. I don't think there has been a morning where I didn't think of dying or how painful this day will continue to be and that I should just close my eyes and think I'm somewhere else. I'm mediocre at everything and seemed to have a haze over my eyes regarding how good at things I actually was.
I'm in my final year of high school education and I realize how important it is, but I'm not doing anything. I seem 'satisfied' with just seeing my life wither away, apart from those times where it all comes to me and I cry in the dark.
I have no purpose and don't know what I want to do. I'd like to have a purpose in the world. I don't want to be an aimless person wandering around this world that will be forgotten but I'm certainly not doing anything to change that. I opened my maths book open a few days ago and simply couldn't think. Nothing came to my head. I didn't know what to do. My writing seemed alien and the mind fog was real.
Late last year I said to myself that I'd change myself. It was an on and off routine and it's barely evident in my life anymore. I thought having the stride to change myself would, well, guarantee some progress but I've come to realize that these thoughts/hope materialized because I'm getting older and realize I need to be something in life.
The school break starts tomorrow and I haven't thought of it at all. I've been thinking of nothing. I used to dream about what I'd do in the school holidays but it hasn't occurred to me at all. I don't care about anything and it won't get better.
I don't trust the statement 'it gets better', because that's dependent on me. I'm not a great person and isolate people - and while I could work on myself, I'm still surrounded by toxicity myself. It won't get better but I just wanted a place to vent because I've got nobody else to talk to and when I did, I realized that some people don't care for emotional talk - unless it's about their own strifes in life.
I don't think I'll kill myself this year, or the next. Regardless of my successes, but I think it's inevitable. I don't think so many years of sadness and depressing feelings fly away just like that - regardless of what you do. I feel like it's stuck with me forever.
If you gave me the option to kill myself with no pain done to any party, I'd accept. I really would. Maybe I'd struggle with my words, but whatever.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Idgaf So, i have been in a very long term relationship with this person and like all relationships its had its up and downs. Our child has a terminal illness. At time of diagnosis so was working from home and i was not. I convinced So to work outside of home, biggest mistake of my life. Allready going in had second thoughts it was a shop run by hamc. one year in when child isnt getting better so quits. I think having nervous breakdown, neither of us working what was i to do, but convince to go back explanation for leaving was crazy to me. I should have had so back. We just have two children and i was concerned for us. Now prior to quitting they had hired a old get high buddy of so. It was made clear i was gonna have so find another job, cant go through that again.not with sick kid. ( idc about marijuana its crack and coke i hv problem with and so own mother did it with them at 14) So, they got rid of him.... i had this discussion with owner and "mgr" i use term loosely. Fast forward another year these mother fuckers give them meth. It makes so a monster. I am no angel but i have never cheated on my so not in the 18 yrs weve been together. Now seiously thinking on turning entire fucking crew in. If im going to lose my family over that then fuck them
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self.offmychest
|
Need to vent I’m currently seeking therapy and reconsidering meds even though I highly don’t like them but accepting them temporarily to help. Lately I’ve been feeling really depressed due to my living situation my family is very toxic and has affected my whole life emotionally. I know a lot of my anxiety and depression stems from the fact that I want to move our live life and take a break from contact from them. Like I said before I have many bad memories in my childhood home and I don’t want to suffer anymore but at the same time I can’t right now due to no license and loss of 2/3 of my incomes due to job issues right now with boyfriend. I want to help myself but how if I can’t change my environment and take the people out of it either. Work has been my relief but I can’t work forever and it only part time. Winter also coming up which is why I feel like my depression is high just wanted to vent and listen to some advice I have some coping mechanism but I find it hard to do some of it when I want to understand more about my anxiety and why I’m like this
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self.Anxiety
|
How do you deal with purpose? There isn't one singular purpose in life that's given to us. Sine I'm religious I feel like my purpose is following God's word and being loving, kind and giving. But I'm also very afraid since it feels like I have no purpose for some reason and I'm terrified of being alone.
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self.Anxiety
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Don't know what I need to tell my husband [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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"With a forlorn smile, he stares into the Abyss" [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Just wanted to finally admit to the world that I am Disabled This is like my first time reaching out to a community of others online. I think it might help. I just don't care who knows that I am bipolar anymore. I think people need to be aware that we are 1% of the population, and even though that is small percentage, it is still millions of people. I finally have an Idol, people to look up to, and a great support system. I just turned 32 and I have been dealing with this affliction for 13 years. The more I can learn the better. So I am coming out of the closet. I am who I am and I want to keep on getting better at managing my illness and finally becoming the woman I want to be. I hope you all have positive things to say because I am getting into a very dark place coming out of a Manic phase. Any advice on coping with this disease would be helpful to me, or any good books I should read?
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self.bipolar
|
Opinions? Recently I've been feeling myself getting worse with depression. My memory for example. The most recent case is today. My partner and I were discussing what we were gonna do in town after he was done work. After about half an hour or so I double check that thats what we're doing and my partner gets mad because we've just discussed it. I just forget the answers to things and what we've discussed and then it rolls into a mini argurment/fight. I can forget things so easily when i used to have a great memory. I can also think about asking question and then I can't remember if I asked it or not and I'm scared to just ask anyway incase I did..
I used to be able to do things by myself but now I'm constantly questioning everything I do. I don't think I'm good enough to do anything.
What I would like opinions on is:
Is making a diary about my bad days and how low I feel a good thing to do to try and get help? E.g. I make a diary for the next week for bad days when I'm feeling dumb and I can't remember things again and then when I can see someone and talk to them about it they can read what goes through my mind and see what would help?
Thanks in advance :)
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self.depression
|
I wish I didn’t suck so much at moving on. I feel like the last five years I’ve been in a perpetual state of trying (unsuccessfully I might add) to get over a heartbreak. And it’s so goddamn tiring, I just wanna be free of it..
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self.offmychest
|
Anyone ever had a full on "nervous breakdown?" At times these days I feel like I'm just a hair away from a nervous breakdown and I'm afraid of having one. Anyone ever had one and needed to recover? How did you recover, or how did you cope or prevent it from happening in the first place/again?
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self.Anxiety
|
Does anyone else have their anger focus on an obscure violent act? Mine becomes focused on desire to crush skulls with my bare hands. Or is a preferred anger focus violent act of choice normal for people aka when pissed, one guy always fantasizes about arranging someone to death. I’m not trying to come off as some psycho. I’m not. Just come crummy things today, and my brain now loves to jump to dumb crushing skulls desires.
Lol dumb I know.
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self.bipolar
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Can the brain recover from forth episode at 19? [deleted]
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self.depression
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How many times a week can i take my benzo without getting addicted/dependent [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Technology is the only thing not making me want to end life Okay so I’m 15 and since age 11 I’ve been depressed.Back then it was mostly stuff at home but now it’s just living that gets me so numb inside (also school has been affecting me a lot since my final exams are coming up).
Honestly when I pick up my phone or laptop I feel like I’m in a portal which takes you out of this life.Stuff like memes or just really happy people on the internet makes me wonder why my life is so shit.When my parents take away my phone or laptop I just get so angry because that’s the one thing that doesn’t want me to end life.Thats why people see me as antisocial and on the web a lot.
In school my grades keep getting shit as time goes by...yes I still have friends but everyone is fading away since exams are coming up.I would never tell my parents or friends that I’m suicidal and depressed since everyone would be feeling pity for me.And I’ll never tell the school because rumours would go round.I mask my depression really well to the point nobody notices.
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self.SuicideWatch
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i cant get away from it i hate that this is a part of me. i want to have a normal life, i want to be able to make friends and get a job and be successful. i want to feel like i have a reason for leaving my house. i want my loneliness to stop eating at my psyche. i want to feel like the things i do matter. i want to feel like i matter.
i dont let myself do any of that. and whether it's true or not, i tell myself that depression took all that from me. no matter how many times i switch therapists or medications i always end up here again. ive made so many efforts to get better but i cant sustain them, and it's exhausting to keep trying. ive been like this my entire life and i cant help but feel like it's going to be the thing that kills me. i've been suicidal in the past, attempted it before, and consciously know i dont want that; but i keep finding myself in the same familiar mindset, thinking it would be easier to give up. then i start craving drugs or alcohol or self harm; any distraction that hurts me or numbs me. i'm sure you all know the cycle. thats where i'm at now. it's not the first time i've been here; it won't be the last. it's a matter of time before i break now. im not working now and wont be able to afford liquor like i used to, so i dont know what im going to do to myself this time; i just hope it doesn't leave as many scars as the last low did.
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self.depression
|
Does This Sound Like Seroquel Binge Eating? For a couple years, while I was on 150mg or less, I didn't have binging problems. Recently, I got upped to 250mg, and I take my dose at 10PM and sleep at 11PM. There have been a few nights in the last couple weeks, where I'll be laying on bed ready to sleep, or sitting at my desk, and I'll get up and I'll open a jar of peanut butter and eat the entire thing. And then I'll eat like 2 peanut/granola bars, and an entire package of deli meat, and so on. It's like an uncontrollable, ravenous, eating binge for about 30 minutes before finally going to sleep as I'm in my drowsey Seroquel sedation. I don't have this problem during the day. Mainly late at night right before bed.
I've also been on a calorie restrictive diet the last 2.5 months and lost a lot of weight, and I don't know if that has something to do with it. Or maybe it's a Seroquel binge? I eat like a pregnant woman, or someone with a bottomless stomach for 30 minutes.
So does all this sound like hunger coming from Seroquel itself? Or something else, like a diet imbalance maybe...
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self.bipolar
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Will it ever get better ? Nothing but bad things happen to me i try to be positive but nothing good happens i can't see my daughter at all and she's going to be 7 soon every year that hurts my soul because my BM won't let me see her, i got chaptered out of the Army for my eye sight. Things go good for a moment and go back down hill again, my moods is starting to cycle from anxiety, happy, sad, mad depressed. I think im going BiPolar & i need help i work fulltime and insurance is alot to pay for, but my life is just falling apart i drink alot and it tucks away the pain but more pain keeps coming, i just don't know what to do anymore im seriously contemplating startomg to do hardcore drugs and numbing myself and destroying my brain or just killing myself. Im done im 25 years old and im just tired. I could see if this was a hardship in my life but this is continuous for yearsand it just won't stop
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self.depression
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What are you doing to get better? Should i try anti-depressants? So I've realized that I've been depressed for a long time, way before i had some tragic events occur in my life. But its definitely gotten worse since then. I lost my mom so suddenly 3 years ago and then my grandmother on my dad's side 8 months later. I wasn't doing to bad, i thought, just was extremely lonely and felt I didn't have friends around because they were all busy in relationships. Now, I've got some great single friends who are trying to help me get out of this depression, but ultimately its not that easy for me. I know it's up to me to put in the effort but i just can't. Lately I've been really sad about being alone, i really am craving a relationship but I keep getting rejected. And I'm having a lot of self doubt. I've always been very quiet and that's something that has made me think no one will ever love me. The past two weeks have been bad, I can't get out of bed and i have barely eaten. I've gone from 100 to 93 pounds in two weeks. My friends are urging me to go see a therapist but I'm afraid that won't help. How do anti-depressants work, were they effective for anyone? I have health anxiety, especially after my mom passing, so I'm terrified medication causes more harm. I've read anti-depressants increase early death by 33%. I don't want to feel this way, but I'm struggling to even try to do anything about it. My friends are very frustrated with me as well, but I'm lucky that they at least understand.
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self.depression
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I'm a mess, rolling down a hill of misfortune [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Ughhh why do I do these things I'm so stoked in general; I'm going to individual therapy once a week, I'm finally taking meds for both my ADHD and my bipolar, I start group therapy next week.... But God damnit, I found myself blowing through my stimulants without realizing what I was doing. It's been a week that I've had my Adderall and I now only have a single week's worth left. Why the hell do I do these things? I KNOW that if I'm not utilizing my daily pill counter I'll fuck up, whether it was reckless behavior or me being forgetful.
I'm feeling so frustrated and disappointed in myself. I guess I'll just have to start over next month. Ugh. Does anyone else struggle with this?
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self.bipolar
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I have an unhealthy obsession over whether my friend has replaced me, or if he just has a new girlfriend. I feel like a huge creep but I can't stop. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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too hard im tired of boyfriends hurting me and abusing me im tired of my grandma and if i dont kill myself nothing is worth it im tired of everyone abusing me why does No one show me mercy? Why ? I cant do it anymore
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self.SuicideWatch
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I think I've tried to kill myself yesterday Yesterday, I drank vokda with medecine and cut my wrist. What I didn't expect was talking to my friend. She said that I sent a message but I just don't remember. She found me nearly unconscious with my blood all over my room. It seemed that I had a BAD episode.
Now, my friends and my family know about this and I feel... weird. (The hopital called my mom.... Except that we don't live in the same city anymore.) I don't know what to think about this and they a SENTENCE that made me angry. "Did you think about the others before you did that?"
I don't think that I'm worthy and I was almost giving them a gift if I disappear. But I can't say that because they will not understand neither me or my depression.
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self.depression
|
How did you give up caffeine? My anxiety has been getting bad lately and I know caffeine is pretty much to blame but without it I can’t even really be a person in the morning. I’m trying to weigh the pros and cons.
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self.Anxiety
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What is this? I have really strange feelings last few days, maybe weeks. I'm taking SSRIs for half an year maybe. Last few weeks, as University goes harder I fell like they don't have affect. Only what I feel are side effects. What is going worse - my mother, who persuaded me to go to doctor, wants go next time with me. To see, what I am saying to him, what he is saying to me and so on. I feel really weird about it (as I have sexual problems as well and we solve it somehow as well). There is also another story. At first, she thought I can make it on myself, then she told me that I should find a psychologist, and now she want to go with me. She is still angry somehow at me, and (another story) - I am afraid going home. I just rather stay at my Uni city, than going home (I am going every day there and back), drinking beers, or just staying in library than going home. At home I feel I can't be productive, many distractions, parents who always want to do something and I feel like my life is passing through but without me. I was thinking about about moving, but it is probably too expensive and I can't afford it right now. I JUST FEEL FROZEN SOMEHOW
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self.Anxiety
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Sick and tired of failing with girls. . . This is just epitomizing frustration. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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It’s the worst when your day has been pretty decent and depression slaps you in the face. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I hate my mother and I am completely devoid of any emotional connection to her. Me and my brother had to deal with our parents divorcing when I was 4 years old. While my father worked to get custody of us, we would spend a bit of the week at my mom's crack den apartment and the other at my dad's house.
While we were at our mom's house, she would lock herself in her room with another man and smoke meth with him while me and my brother waited for her to come out, usually in complete silence. When she came out it was either the next day or after our dad came to pick us up. Me and my brother would often go unfed for the entire time we were there, eating whatever meager stuff we could find in the house.
Eventually, dad won sole custody of both of us and my mom disappeared. Since then she actively tried to communicate with me and I would talk with her but it would eventually end with me yelling at her because of my pent up anger.
Honestly, I would have no care in the world if she died. Maybe this makes me a bad person? I don't know.
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self.offmychest
|
Headaches from lamotrigine Yeah, the title says it all I guess. Just wondering if anyone's got any tips to soothe the pain?
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self.bipolar
|
Why cant I just calm the hell down and do something productive with my life?? I need to do homework, but I can't and I'm breaking down again. I have so many fucking secrets and problems, all my reddit posts are on throwaway accounts and are nothing but complaining about how shitty my good life is. I have a school project to present tomorrow and I'm so scared that I'm gonna embarrass myself or my group. I have no confidence anymore. I've failed through school because I never care about anything and the things I do care about I'm not brave enough to pursue. I bottle up all my emotions in real life, but all I want is to be hugged and told that these things will get better. I don't think I'd even believe that anymore, though... Ughh, what's the god damn point of it all...
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self.Anxiety
|
Living with a Bipolar Spouse Hi everyone, I don't usually post on bipolar reddit but I just need some help from you guys. My wife has always had bipolar since I've known her but back then it wasn't quite the ordeal that it is now. After she had our second child 2 years ago she hasn't been the same. She is extremely distant to me 90% of the time and I try hard as I might to support her emotionally and mentally. She does have a few days where the wife married shines through but they are few and far between. I have such a never give up attitude that I can't stand knowing she is hurting so much and that nothing I do to alleviate the pain will ever help.
She has been to the doctor countless times to adjust her meds, but a lot of the times I catch her not even taking them. I know that is common for people with bipolar to struggle with finding the right doses but she has pretty much given up on meds and life now. She says she has been having suicidal thoughts for the last few months and I've made appointments for her to get help and she is so scared that they will send her to a metal ward.
I am emotionally exhausted seeing someone I love so much spiral into major depression and I just want to know how I can help her cope. I've tried as much as I possibly can for her and with every attempt she either escapes the train of thought for half the day or just shoves the feelings she has further down. It kills me seeing her this way and now I'm starting to fall into the same murky waters of depression as her.
Just your thoughts on how could help her would be greatly appreciated!
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self.bipolar
|
A week after being discharged.(Semi-trigger warning just in case) [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Why I am not happy. Hello guys. This might be stupid or sad but ive been angry whole day when the schedule for defense was posted. Many students will defend tomorrow while I will be defending next week. It sucks. I hate it. Why do i get to defend for next week. Im overthinking and all that. Ive been in constant tension for few months now waiting for the defense because I wanna graduate so bad now others will experience it first before me. I so hate the world I know theres nothing i can do but Im mad for majority of the day thinking of this. Ive been shouting for simple things like wrong typing because im really really mad!!!!!!! Fuck life. Fuck. I wanna be happy so bad. Fuck.
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self.depression
|
My garage door reopens after it touches the ground. Wtf is going on?
|
self.Anxiety
|
... I am worthless. I am a nerd. I think like a nerd. I act like a nerd. But I'm not as smart as a nerd. I am too poor to collect comics. My brain isn't wired to learn programming. I haven't seen any nerdy shows. My only strength is math. But that's not that nerdy. I have alienated myself. It's too late for me.
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self.depression
|
At What point should I be upset when stranger talks to wife in the gym? As a person with social anxiety, I have an aversion for personal chit chat with strangers either with me or with my wife. So we were in the gym yesterday and this random guy chitchats with my wife-- as my wife is not the chatty type as well, I begin to answer for her.
I now have this intense dread that if I leave my wife alone in the gym, and the guy is there, that he will again attempt to chitchat with my wife. I know that somewhere here is my social anxiety acting up-- but at what point is it valid for me to be upset when a stranger chitchats with my wife? The thing with social anxiety is that it is SO HARD to judge what is right and wrong and when you should be possessive or not of your spouse in such situations! :(
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self.Anxiety
|
Having anxious fits over small, silly things and I don't know why. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Facebook Made the mistake of reactivating and checking it this morning. Now I’m fighting my stupid brain. As soon as I figure out where to put all the pictures and videos I’ve uploaded over the years, I’m deleting my account. Anybody use a great digital photo storage app?
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self.bipolar
|
I think i am having a nervous breakdown Medicines I am on for context: Seroquel 100mg, Klonopin 1.25mg x 2, Lamictal 100mg (recent addition)
I am a graduate student taking a full load and finishing up a fellowship at a very competitive school. I have become a different person over the past few weeks: depressed to the point of almost suicidal, erratic and even aggressive in my interactions with strangers, have no appetite, and no desire to complete projects or papers. I have been at the top of my class and today I was asked to leave a professor's office due to lack of preparation and panicked/frazzled behavior. I believe my husband is planning on leaving me soon. I cannot get in to see my therapist or my psychiatrist for several weeks.
Please, please, please tell me what to do. I have never experienced a low this badly and I feel fucking crazy. Please let me know if you've experience similar behavior or feelings and how you got over them. I'm desperate for advice.
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self.bipolar
|
Vent: ruined halloween because someone walked behind my car!! [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Vivid dreams and lamictal - feeling exhausted. Does anyone else have really intense and vivid dreams cause of lamictal? In addition to it making me really drowsy, I've been having really intense and vivid dreams that leave me feeling exhausted in the mornings. I'm currently on 300 mgs and have been slowly titrating up the last three months. I don't remember at what point I started feeling like this, but it's really impacting the qualify of my life. Regardless of how I take my dose (split up, in the AM/PM) I still get these really ridiculous dreams that cause me to wake up multiple times a night.
I'm torn cause I really feel like its helped stabilize my moods, but it's really impacting the qualify of my sleep... I'm seeing my pdoc on Wednesday, but I'm really freaking out cause I don't know if I can really stand another two nights like this.
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self.bipolar
|
You cheated on him! I don't know how you're living with it. I know it was a one time thing but his fucking brother caught you! I hope to god you can reconcile this. Fucking live honestly! Own up to your bullshit. I wish I never found out. I know this has nothing to do with me so I won't say anything, I will take this to my grave. I just, I feel like I don't believe a goddamn thing you say anymore. Make it right. He's the best person in the world and you know it.
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self.offmychest
|
To sick and broke to chase your dreams What if you’re to mentally ill and broke to chase your dreams. What if you get paid minimum wage at a shitty job. Can barely afford meds therapy and food. What about your dreams of traveling, buying new clothes getting an education, going out.
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self.depression
|
I want it to stop I hate my life. I haven't been happy in years. I'm 16 years old, have been struggling with depression for my whole life, and have been contemplating suicide since I was 13.
My whole life is fucked. I'm a social failure, I have no motivation or drive at all, and I likely have PTSD from when my sister tried to kill herself in front of me.
I've stopped trying in school, even though I used to be a great student. I'm not trying to brag, but I'm smart and used to be top of my class in everything. I've just stopped caring. Life doesn't feel real. I look at my grades and the way I'm fucking up my future and I just... don't give a shit, and I know I should but I can't make myself. I've tried so hard but I can't. It's like I'm watching my future go off the rails and it doesn't bother me. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I guess it doesn't matter because I don't want to live long enough to see how it turns out. There's no way to could be good.
I've tried talking to my parents but they don't get it. They can't see any way that I could be different from them. I've told them time and time again that I hate school, that I'm not happy, but they never listen and never do anything to help. They always ask me what I want, but never do anything. Like, I DON'T FUCKING KNOW WHAT I WANT. THAT'S WHY I'M ASKING FOR HELP.
I'm so useless. I should be able to do this shit but I can't. I can't talk to people, I can't make friends, I can't do work that is well within my abilities, I can't do anything.
I just want it to stop. I want to stop feeling like I'm a failure all the time. I want to stop spending all day every day in a place I hate surrounded by people who don't care about me. I wish I hadn't existed in the first place, because if I hadn't been born at all then I wouldn't have to deal with any of this. I'm sick of the self loathing and failure and isolation.
I'm ready to go.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm bipolar. So is my SO. Am I the only one who thinks this is really weird? I found out that my SO's mother put my SO on Lithium when he was ten. (I wrote about this in the past, but I've since deleted that account because it was discovered by a relative of mine, who I'm trying to avoid.)
That's really messed up, right? That's not something I'm distorting, is it?
Edit for clarity: My FMIL went doctor-shopping until she found someone willing to put her on Lithium. She went through nearly ten doctors before she found one, and to this day states that she wishes her son were on Lithium even though his current medication regime works better than Lithium ever did. I'm not mad he was on meds to start with; I'm mad that his mother continues to ignore doctors in favor of a treatment that harms her son.
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self.bipolar
|
How do you resist the pull of your "safe space"? I believe I am doing much better than ever, but I still struggle a lot with this one. I feel so safe in my own room, especially in my bed, that I have trouble leaving and can't stop thinking about returning back when I do. On multiple occasions, I even spent an hour getting to the campus and then just randomly skipping my lectures to come back home. These abrupt reactions in turn cause me even more anxiety and self-shame.
I was wondering how others deal with this problem. It's one thing to leave your safe space, but how do you stay away?
|
self.Anxiety
|
waking up and going to work just feels bad every day i wake up and i go to work and every day i wake up feeling miserable that i have to be here. right now i’m at work feeling actually physically nauseous cause i don’t wanna be here. i wanna quit so badly and i’m thinking about going back to school except that i feel BAD leaving. my store is pretty short staffed as is and if i left it leaves pretty much just my managers and a guy who only works weekends. i kinda can’t stand being here and it makes me wanna die and i think i would definitely be happier if i left but i just can’t work up the courage to do it. also, they’re planning on making me a keyholder soon and even though having even more responsibility here is the last thing i want it would look better on my resume which i desperately need.
i just don’t know what to do and idk if i even expect anything from this maybe i just needed to rant about it thanks for reading if you did
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self.depression
|
My mind wants to kill me - Why do I keep having these thoughts, I am not myself anymore Hi,
so basically what I was going through (mentally) last year was just insane. First half Derealization/Depersonalization, second half Depression/OCD but feels like psychotic, because everything seems so surreal. I was diagnosed with OCD and adjustment disorder btw. OCD and not psychosis because I know those feelings and thoughts are somewhat strange.
So basically I recovered from Depersonalization last year...but as the symptoms slowly vanished, I still battled irrational thoughts from day to day when suddenly my mind switched to: ur life is over. I was overwhelmed, suddenly paranoid of time/the date, feeling like I shouldnt be here anymore as the time went on and feeling like trapped in this concept of time.
This feeling...it feels like I shouldnt be alive anymore since August, like I shouldnt have lived past August and should be dead until August. It just feels like it is wrong to be alive, everything feels so odd, when I go to the hairdresser for example, my mind goes like this: You are dead inside, you died, you dont need to do this, you are trapped in hell, you shouldve killed yourself as I told you! When I look in the mirror: "Why are u still alive?" It just cant make sense why I am still alive, and I am super overwhelmed, feeling insane, because I know something IS TERRIBLY WRONG IN MY ORGANISM.
You may ask yourself why "August"? I dont know, I somehow wanted to be recovered and fine from mental health issues until August, I didnt know what would happen if I didnt recover until then, but my mind has adapted to my expectations and as the time went on without me recovering, my mind realized that and switched to this surreal psychotic limbo mode, so basically I guess false expectations triggered this mess in my mind.
I remembered when these thoughts sneaked in in the last week of July, I felt like after this week I would pass like a strange "threshold", like my old self had to die (idk it felt so strange, I just got very depressed, nervous and obsessed with the future and thought if I couldnt cope I may commit suicide, but I wasnt suicidal)
It felt like life after July was just black, I didnt want the future to come and felt like I was involuntarily pushed to experience this future pain, but then there was the 1st of August where I had these painful thoughts that I cant live anymore and got anxious. And this whole "anticipation" made me BELIEVE that this is destiny and I cant recover from it!
Furthermore I told my psychiatrist that I feared that I'll lose myself in time, which I know sounds strange but I definitely felt like there would be no future for me and honestly I keep questioning how I survived the last months, making me feel like I shouldnt be alive because the feelings were so surreal. I cant stop thinking that this shit is something supernatural and keep questioning if people had already commited suicide if they would have been in my shoes, what freaks me even more out.
But I have no clue how to get out of that hole at all. I am depressed and scared to death. I dont know, this is just a nightmare and I am 19.
Everytime I think about me as a person, I get a feeling of doom: who is "I', why am I still alive? Etc. It is terrifying. The most terrible feeling is that I truly desire death and that it is the only option and THAT I WILL REGRET IT IN THE FUTURE NOT HAVING DONE IT.
I imagine myself in the future, at a fun event for example, having these feelings and it is freaking me out, feeling like I should do it right now. It is causing me a lot of pain. SURE THING IS THAT I TRULY DO NOT DESIRE THESE FEELINGS BUT CANT LET THEM GO EITHER :(
Unknown mental illness?!
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Missed A Dose of antidepressant I usually take my medicine around the same time everyday, to the best that I can remember. A few days ago I took my Lexapro (20mg) about 35 hours after my last dose, which I know isn't great but I completely forgot. 4 days later, I'm having bad anxiety, feeling like I don't care about anything, having few but negative emotions, feel so off... is this a result of my antidepressant missing or is this me getting bad again? Ugh. I was doing sooooo well.
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self.Anxiety
|
Just started lamictal (Lamotrogine)... What should I expect?! Pdoc prescribed me lamictal this morning for bipolar depression. Took my first 25mg dose about an hour ago. Guys, what should I be expecting? I know a lot of you here take it- is it effective for BP depression? Are there any side effects? Basically, if you take lamotrogine, how have you found it so far?
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self.bipolar
|
If you have a job, what is it and how do you get through it with depression? I work 10-6 at a record label and am finding it extremely hard to wake up every morning. The job sometimes has events after 6 that I need to attend and I've been turning them down when I shouldn't be.
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self.depression
|
I need help asap I've been stable lately but my sleep schedule's been fucked up. I've been going to bed at like 5 am and sleeping till 4:30 pm. Well last night I decided to stay up all night to fix it. I had some coffee. You can probably work out what happened. To top it off I missed my night meds. Guess who's feeling a little manic? Yup. It's me. I work at noon and it's a super important day. I can't really call in. I feel high.
Additional layer of fucked: I'm living in a sober living house. If I'm acting out of the ordinary, it's gonna be met with a lot of suspicion. I mean I can pass a drug test just fine but my behavior is definitey gonna be sketchy.
My life is pretty good right now and I really don't want to get manic and fuck it all up. Can I get some advice?
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self.bipolar
|
Admitting I Have a Problem Hello, I've been lurking this Reddit for the last week and a half. I like that you all have such a supportive and active community!
I'm kind of at my nadir right now with that's been going on. I don't have health insurance despite having a solid career, but will be enrolling during open enrollment next month. I want to get an official diagnosis (and I see you guys are very against self-diagnosis) for what's been going on for the last 2 years. Kind of out of nowhere I started having depressive episodes that last entire months followed by a month and a halfish periods of extreme productivity and zeal. When I'm up I workout 7 times a week, love my job and training, and create amazing music and poetry without even trying. When I'm low I just sleep. I literally slept like all of winter away last year.
I'm at a point where I'm fed up. I just got over a 20 day depressive episode (I use Moodtrack!) and had a lot of thoughts I almost acted on. I have trouble getting to work on time because I'm so exhausted and was late 3x last week which got me in huge trouble. (I'm working 9-5 since I broke my arm and now I don't have the luxury of a unique schedule that let me sleep entire days). Being like this is ruining my life since my job is a big part of my life and happiness. I'm on the bubble and that's creating new stress. I'm in the fire service and while we as a whole like to pretend we care about behavioral health, it's only ever stuff like PTSD from calls that gets attention and care and everyone else is looked down on. Furthermore a lot of the public safety resources are shit. Run by well meaning women and men in the service but they don't know what to say or do and can only send you through endless referrals that don't go anywhere. The nature of my job is stressful and I've been in denial admitting something is wrong because it might mean I'm not capable for this career. This scares me.
I've been working on more accountability and staying disciplined I saw a nice thread by hypohallucination about being off medication and it's been helping out a lot. I don't like the idea of being on medication.
Anyway, thanks for listening.
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self.bipolar
|
my Ex girlfriend is the only person i know that hates me, and it's making me depressed She is the only person that i know who has any sort of ill will towards me. Im super depressed because i love her, and she hates me. I don't spend a single day not thinking about her. She's blocked me on everything, i can never talk to her again. All i do is watch depressing movies about romance and cry all night. She means so much to me, but i mean nothing to her. It's so hard to move on. All i want to do is be able to talk with her again.
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self.depression
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Im 16 stuck in a low pay dish cleaning job in my last year of school and i want to die [deleted]
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self.depression
|
mania is not Hypomania They are not the same. I see this used interchangebly all too often, I am guilty of it occasionally. There's a distinction in the words for a reason.
That is all, my friends.
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self.bipolar
|
How can I overcome my fear and actually make an attempt? Opposite to emotion DBT skill, I guess. But that's so hard.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Somebody to talk to I really wish I had somebody that I can tell anything to. And tell them my true feelings and all of the things that I'm hiding from everyone. It sucks to just have a mask on and pretend like everything is fine and you're just doing well, while you dread the night because you don't wanna go to sleep and wake up to the begining of a new day. Friends and family are not really present so that doesn't help. My friends seem to have disappeared and forgotten about me, while my parents just don't acknowledge my feelings and act like I'm just plain out sad. But still, I wanna thank all of the kind people in this sub for being there and trying their best even when struggling themselves, at least I feel like I have your support. Lots of love for you guys
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self.depression
|
Sensation of rocking back and forth when I’m completely still? I’ve had this sensation for as long as I can remember. It’s as if I’m sitting in a hammock that’s making very short, rapid swings either front and back or side to side. It can also feel like spinning. I always assumed it was normal but I read somewhere that it might be a form of dissociation?
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self.Anxiety
|
Can't sleep, having a panic attack, so here's a long work-related rant It's 4:18 AM as I'm typing this, and I can't sleep. It always takes me a long time to fall asleep, but I couldn't stop thinking and stressing about going back to work after the holidays. Before I knew it, I was about to break down and hyperventilate or cry. I didn't want to wake up my fiancée, so I got up and I'm now sitting in the livingroom. I'm sorry for whining when I know other people have it much worse than I do, but I need to vent.
I'm almost 30 years old, the son of the owner of a local business in a small town located in Québec, Canada. I work for his company, which deals in the sales and repair of commercial and industrial equipment. On paper, I work in sales; in reality, I do practicality everything except for repairs, including but not limited to sales, purchasing, quotations, invoicing, customer service at the counter, on the phone and online, retail item placement and management, parts and equipment research, shipping and receiving, data entry and processing, IT, webmaster, infographics and promotional materials. I also manage our team to some degree and replace the boss and our accounts receivables/payables (his girlfriend) whenever they're away, so I handle late payment complaints even though I can't do anything about it. I'm bilingual and so almost all communications in English are done through me.
That may sound like a fair bit, but I then I also do approximately 75% of one of my colleagues' work because he quite simply can't be arsed to do it. He'll act like he's super busy doing one task whereas I'm typically juggling (no joke) between 5 and 8 tasks at any time, yet I often find him playing solitaire or stretching and loudly yawning at his desk, even when customers are waiting at the counter. A couple summers ago, for two years in a row, when we were the only employees in front, he literally spent hours sleeping at his desk while I alone held the fort throughout our busy seasons. He's approaching retirement age and has been involved with the family for decades; he's not going anywhere.
The foreman in charge of managing repairs and our crew of mechanics routinely vanishes, either going out for errands that take a suspicious amount of time to run, going upstairs to do work for his own company on our dime, spending half an hour in the washroom (upstairs for some reason), running home for one reason or another, or just plain nowhere to be found for no known reason. He fails to properly submit quotations to most customers and fails to properly fill out repair files, so we have to inform customers and make out invoices at the counter when they come in. He also gets me to find parts and pricing as well as place orders for him because he seemingly doesn't feel like doing that himself, maybe because that would cut into his Facebook time. He's typically 15-30 minutes late each morning and afternoon, but he takes off at closing time on the dot, if not a few minutes early. I think it's fair to say that I effectively do about half of his job for him. He's family and is seemingly unfireable for some reason, despite the fact that he's hurting the company badly.
I'll admit I'm usually about 5 minutes late in the morning; I barely get any sleep and never feel rested from any sleep I do get, so it takes a lot of time and motivation to get up and going. That doesn't make it right and I'm ashamed of this bad habit, but I work an extra hour or two everyday, unpaid. I get paid 40 hours a week, but typically work about 50 hours a week. I get reprimanded for being late and for being sick, but unpaid hours go unmentioned. I don't have any fancy diplomas, but I don't think I'd be exaggerating if I said I was a hard worker, maybe even a workaholic.
My father's family is pretty well known locally and is fairly affluent, so customers tend to assume that I'm well off, but they couldn't be further from the truth. I get paid a few dollars more than minimum wage and that's it; no benefits, no commission, no overtime pay, no extra vacation days and no share of the company's profits. I make just enough for my fiancée and I to survive and afford necessities, and that's about it. Last winter, I couldn't even afford heating, so I had to borrow money to buy fuel oil. Meanwhile, two of my cousins had their houses custom built, one of them spends half his time on vacation with his family and the other's heading to Las Vegas soon, and my other cousin doesn't work but has all her expenditures and house paid for by her dad.
If I dare to complain about my financial difficulties, I get talked down to by my father and his girlfriend and told that I should save up (what is this concept of having leftover money at the end of the month???). They say that my fiancée should find work, but they don't pay her for the work she does for them. She's a self-employed web designer, artist and programmer; unfortunately, times are tough in that line of business here. She has however done thousands of dollars worth of unpaid work for them, including 3-4 professional websites, and continues to assist them. Any amount she makes goes straight to paying off our debts (credit card) or contributes to paying our expenditures.
My father wants me to buy the business from him so that he has a retirement fund that allows him to keep up his current lifestyle, which includes going on vacation abroad 4-5 times a year, not including camping trips in his RV. However, he refuses to do anything about the obvious issues currently going on and refuses to adapt to the changing market. Suggestions always get turned down and he resists any improvements that I and my only helpful colleague attempt to make. I also routinely have to put up with my father's infantile tantrums and the fact that he doesn't trust me to do anything, resorting to "micromanaging". Recently, he doubted my ability to read a PDF in front of a supplier, which was embarassing, and couldn't let me compare invoices (that he asked me to compare) and tried to take over my computer while I was using it so he'd show me how to do my job. It's an extremely stressful work environment, but it's also the way my father has always been with me, and I'm fairly sure that's played a large part in the fact that I have no self-confidence and can't connect with people.
The end result of all the above is that I come home late everyday, exhausted both physically and especially mentally. I barely get any real sleep, my stomach frequently gives me trouble and I suspect that's due to stress, and every little thing feels like a huge challenge. I'm under massive stress because I know very well that if any emergency occurs, if anything breaks or worse, I'm completely unable to afford to solve the issue. Instead, I have to rely on the pity of others, typically my father's if he feels like it (with a healthy dose of acting like he's being generous instead of paying me according to my work), and live with the shame of it. I've always had an exceptional patience with people, but lately the stress has been building up and I've begun snapping at people, worst of all my loving and supportive fiancée without whom I wouldn't even be around right now.
I've been depressive for over 15 years now and coping with it, but I think this is my lowest point yet. The last week before the holidays, I stood alone in the shipping area and slowly dug a box cutter knife into my left wrist. I was, quite literally, an inch away from ending my life, but it barely left a mark and looks like a skin fold now. I don't want to leave my fiancée and our cats though, and I especially don't want them to end up in financial trouble. I have a life insurance, but the payout is minimal and they wouldn't cover suicide before at least another year and a half.
I'm going back to work on Monday, less than a week from now. At this point, I only see a few ways out...
- Winning the lottery: Essentially a miracle, but also our only hope of fulfilling any dreams or projects.
- Leaving: Taking a massive risk and leaving my current job, hopefully to work from home online, possibly burning bridges with a family that I do care for despite it all, but also possibly losing everything.
- Staying: Try to last another year and a half in this situation and then examine my options, possibly a rope.
It's now 7:06 AM as I'm typing this on my phone, still sitting in the livingroom. I've stopped panicking and am shaking instead. If you've read this whole thing, I feel sorry for taking that time away from your life and for whining so much, but I'm also thankful that you cared enough to finish. I'm not looking for a solution, I simply needed to vent.
That said, please hit me up if you're looking for someone to work online remotely.
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self.depression
|
Dating Does anyone else avoid dating seriously because they feel like even when medicated their disorder is too much to handle? Like when I’m medicated I’m much more calm but I’m so sedated I can’t feel anything other than numb for the most part emotionally. Whereas unmedicated I’m easily overstimulated and other hallmarks of bipolar. I dunno. I’ve just been thinking about dating a lot recently.
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self.bipolar
|
Just coming to the realization that I’ve spent pretty much my entire life just riding it out. It’s bad and it’s worse and it’s better and sometimes it’s even good-ish, but I’m just exhausted. I just want to chill out and enjoy shit for a little while.
The fight is hard and long and possibly forever. Hang in there, guys.
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self.depression
|
I hate being a failure I can already see how I will regret this. But I have to get it off my chest. I’m a horrible failure. Inhave accomplished nothing in my 21 years of life. Too stupid. Too ugly. Too incompetent for easy tasks. Always the one person who wasn’t able to comprehend the most simple shit. Since the day I was born, I was destined to be a weird little creature. “Blessed” with dyslexia, acne, a weird feminine looking body with narrow shoulders and wide hips. No wonder I never had a girlfriend. And these things matter in this superficial world we’re living in. If you’re ugly at least be intelligent. But all those things went to my little brother whos much better than me in every single thing. Smarter, taller, better looking. He probably thinks im the biggest loser. So does my entire family. They think im this failure. And Im always so mad at my parents and annoyed with them because they don’t understand me or how much I hate myself.
Nobody looks up to me. In a group of friends all these guys make fun of me. I’m always the one getting picked on. My entire life. I have the victim beta gene. My life is a joke. A complete fucking joke.
I won’t kill myself but I’m just fed up with living. If life would be easy I wouldn’t complain but who decided it had to be this hard? Who decided all these systems had to be followed? If you don’t follow them you’re automatically a crazy psycho. Thank you very much society!
I have no ambitions anymore even though I never tried. I suck at everything. Its over for me.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Now that I'm self-aware, I feel like I want to give up. I need to write this up because I don't have anyone I feel comfortable talking to. My family isn't exactly supportive. I think they're hoping I get over my problems so I can a productive adult that they can be proud of, but I can't.
Sometime in high school I became aware of how much I'm a pretentious idiot. I've always wanted to become someone great, but now that the full force of self-awareness crashed through me and woke me up, I realised that I've just wasted the first few years of my life. Even though I wanted to a genius and focused on my academics, I'm really a step below everyone else. I'm not an independent thinker, I'm just obsessed with grades because they're the only thing propping up my self-confidence. I can't tolerate failing a little bit because then I feel worthless. I was a massive cunt that was smug and self-satisfied for getting hundreds in my courses, when I really should have delved deeper and learned something beyond the superficial stuff we do in high school. If I hadn't realised my own pretentiousness I would be one of those people you see in /r/iamverysmart.
I think Reddit saved me from being a despicable person. There's a really cute girl I crushed on HARD in high school and still do now. But my attraction towards her has being twisted by sexual objectification and my stupid inferiority complex. I basically niceguy'd her the whole time in high school, while simultaneously despising who she was, because she was more sociable and academically successful. But when I stumbled on /u/niceguys, I saw my own errors and tried my best to resist these thoughts. But I still have feelings for her, even though I should move on, even though she goes out and meets plenty of more competent men.
But even as I try to improve myself, it feels like I'm achieving nothing. Since high school all I've been trying to is not be a danger to society, a pretentious douchebag that nobody likes, or a massive creep. But that's all I fucking am, not a threat. I'm not particularly interesting or sociable. I'm nervous and awkward around other people. I'm still worried that if I don't maintain all my grades to perfection, I'm fucking garbage with no other redeeming values. I've been through these self-improvement routines day in and day out, and I still feel like I'm the same stereotypical sexually repressed nerd that hates the "Chad" boyfriend of my crush and wants to feel special.
At the end of the day, I'm nothing. That drains me. I don't do things because I have interest in them, I do extracurriculars because I need to maintain the image that I'm a hardworking student, so that I don't feel like a complete waste of space. But I don't live for anything, least of all myself.
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self.depression
|
I️ dumped my first boyfriend today, for a handful of small reasons, and I’m second guessing myself [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Frustrated, but remaining hopeful I don't care about karma or upvotes, I just want this off my chest. I'm a 25 year old virgin who hasn't been in a relationship yet. I've only dated one girl so far (it didn't work out, she ended it). I can't begin to describe how much it sucks to hear my sister having sex in the room next to mine while I'm not getting any matches on tinder or other dating sites. I've had severe depression for most of my life after experiencing lots of trauma when I was younger and I was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. The reason I'm writing this is because I was under the impression this friend of mine, Alison, who I've known since high school had an interest in me. I was totally wrong. I've known her since high school, but we didn't start to hang out until a year after our graduation which was 7 years ago. I love this girl, she's the first girl I can really say I love. I care about her so much. I thought I saw subtle signs that she was into me since I came back from NYC in April. I knew she had a boyfriend before I left for NYC, but when I came back she made no mention of him and I assumed she was so busy with school and her two jobs that she must be single. She even worked 17 hour shifts at times. The signs that made me think she was interested in me were that whenever we laughed we would always look at each other, she loves to use my name (I don't recall her using other guy's names as much as mine when we hung out with other men), she drank from the same glass I was using after she asked for it, our conversations are amazing, she took time out of her busy schedule to see me, at one time when we were talking on my couch she was facing me in a way that showed off her cleavage right near my face and at one point at a time of worry we both said we loved each other. I eventually worked up the courage to ask our mutual friend Jackie if it was possible for me and Alison to be a couple someday. That's when she broke the news to me that she still has the same boyfriend as before I went to NYC. Due to my hopes getting up and my depression I didn't take the news that well. Jackie got worried about my well being and told Alison. That's when Alison told me that she likes me as a friend cause I'm nice and considerate and I need to grow still. I wasn't in the proper frame of mind to have a good conversation with her that night and we didn't talk for several days after that night until she excitedly messaged me wishing me a merry Christmas. We're talking like normal right now as if nothing happened. I'm glad I didn't lose a great friend, but I'm still pretty bummed some guy is having sex with the girl I love. I know this isn't the end and I'll be in a relationship and have sex one day. I know I'll get married and have a happy life. I'm taking an anti-depressant for my depression and I recently agreed to take therapy(Something I didn't want to do for a long time). I work out whenever I can as well. It's the moment I'm in right now that sucks. Am I crazy for thinking Alison was into me? Am I wrong for getting my hopes up? If you've read this far thanks for reading and have a happy new year!
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self.offmychest
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