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Can kinda feel myself slipping and I honestly don't know what to do about it. I haven't paid my car payment in so long they won't let me make an online payment now. I was saving up to pay all of my missed-months at once, but now I'll have to call them today, on my lunch break to see if they're looking to collect my car. I honestly don't know what to do. I know it's my own damn fault anyway. I mean what if there's nothing I can do?
On top of this, fuck work, it just keeps getting worse. I keep trying to learn what I do and I keep making the same mistakes. I didn't even go yesterday because I really wanted to figure out my car situation, but of course it was President's Day and Capitol One was closed. I know I'm starting to slip into just sadness because I was stressed and crying about it most the morning.
I've called the suicide hotline already this week and it's Tuesday, so that's how alone, sick, bad and disgusted I feel with myself. I don't even want to call Capitol One today even though if they say I can pay something small today it might make me feel better. I have to cover meetings until like 8:30 pm tonight and all I want to do is curl up in bed. I want to do well at my job and apply myself but frankly I don't give a fuck about anything right now.
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self.depression
|
HOW DO I PREVENT MYSELF FROM BOTHERING MY FRIEND AGAIN. Whenever I text, just after that I see him online, he reads my message from the notifications and then doesn't reply. But if his other friends text him, he will have a nice chat with them. He knows how much I need him to be around because my mental health is just killing me, and yet he chooses to do this. But I can't just stop myself from calling him when I'm not feeling okay or if I need to vent. He is just very fed up I guess. Please help me.
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self.depression
|
Laid off from work today due to m depression, probably I knew it was going to happen, nobody wants a guy that cant get out of bed some days. The holidays hit me real bad this year, and id been getting sick a lot (not in purpose, but actually sick), and have been in a bad way when in the office.
they called me down to HR today, I knew instantly what the manager was at my desk for.
I didn't even blink when they read me the standard bullshit. the manager offered some weak "I wish you the best" as I stepped onto he elevator. of course this is BS. he doesn't with me anything but gone. and he wishes my replacement isn't completely fucking broken.
I spoke with HR once about help, but was all crickets. company has a real 'tough it out' mentality, which I guess I should have somehow done.
I'm home, drunk as all fuck right now. which is nice.
I start looking for work Monday. I'm sure that'll go over real well. I'll have to convince someone else im not a complete loser.
thats all, just wanted to vent or whine about my problems. or whatever.
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self.depression
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I want to die. I want to numb all of my pain. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Just seeing if anyone is in a similar boat [deleted]
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self.depression
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A mood shift mid week. Just needed to post. [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
Yeah I'm done. everything is fucked up and I no longer care about it. It's been 8 years since I believed things will go better and it only got worse.
I tried to make my life better, but my family aren't.
My sister is crazy psycho who never listens to anyone. She's gotten tattoo, which is something that only yakuza would do as she is Japanese. She gained 110lb in 8 years and keeps going. Prank calls to ambulance. Suicide attempt. Massives debt on her credit. Attempting to "help her friend" by immigration fraud. Worst of all my dad supports my sister everytime.
My mom has gotten so much stress with these along with her job. She is divorced and lives separately with my sister and dad, but lives with me and I feel like she's using me to relieve her stress. Like everything I do she yells at me and threatens me to leave the house.
I'm done. I'm done with this shit. I'm done being thrown around into places. I already knew noone cared about me and even if so they just pretended to be or attempting but really didn't even try to understand my situation. I don't have any places to go and I don't have money for it. I just want to sleep. Sleep and never wake up to this nightmare.
I planned and practiced my suicide method for 8 times. It all failed. Hopefully, this time would work.
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self.depression
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I want to be put on suicide watch but... [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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The effort right? I'm being told all I have to do is show a little something that you care. What happened when every door closes on you ? Idk man but this relationship shit as an adult is something else..
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self.depression
|
Today’s society is just too confusing to me When I’m nice, all I get is betrayal and when I’m not, all I get is hate. Someone please explain today’s society to me.
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self.depression
|
Anxiety and periods Hey there, fellow ladies with anxiety, I've been thinking about how my period affects the anxiety.
To my surprise, I realized it actually lowers my anxiety.
I have a pretty strong PMS, in which I oscilate between pissed as fuck at everything that moves and make noises and depressed as hell. So, instead of being paranoid if I'm somehow annoying someone I'm ready to start a fist fight(not really). Or I'm just staring off wondering if it's even worth living in a world where people die of cold on the streets.
How about yous guys? Does it affects in anyway your anxiety?
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self.Anxiety
|
Tifu my arm (TW) Reddit, I need help. Today was a tough day for me. Starting out with last night being sad for no reason, having a disagreement with my husband right before bed, then getting up today to drive 1.5 hours to therapy, only to have a mediocre therapy session which left me sad and lonely, to driving home that 1.5 hours, being lonely and still distract from therapy. Then my husband tells me he is still going to the movies with his friends(which I half way encouraged him to do for him) meanwhile I'm at home crying on the flooring finding cat pee EVERYWHERE in my house.
Ends up I break down, cut my arm deep enough for stitches, then have to clean myself up, drive to the theatre where my husband is watching a movie, tell him what happened via phone, drive myself to buy bandages, then sit here (where I am currently) in the theatre parkinglot because I'm too anxious to go inside and sit with my husband and he doesn't have the bright idea of coming to stay with me.
I would go home, but I would just cut some more.
So I am stuck here feeling like shit, a problem, and like my husband isn't showing care in the best way.
Maybe I am the entire problem, I don't deny that, but guys, what do I do?
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self.bipolar
|
Today’s my 17th and I hate it Not because of the things are bad or anything. Because I hate going more days alive. This one happens to be 17 years after I was born.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I need help I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish by posting here. The suicide hotline is busy though, so this is my backup.
I'm just so god damn depressed. It's been progressively worse for the last 5 or 6 years, and I'm at a peak now. In the last few months I've started fantasizing about suicide A LOT. I feel like I've kind of romanticized it and built it into this panacea which I know it actually isn't.
If my suicide is successful, then it's all over and I'm done. That's good. If it doesn't work, then people will finally notice that my pain is real, and that's good, too. It feels like I can't lose. But the rational part of me knows that doing it won't actually solve anything. I don't know.
I'm struggling to keep myself from hurting myself, and I don't know how to get through this. I need help.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm losing everyone Hi. I'm not sure what to be saying, Ive been pushing people away and generally just trying to get people out of my life. I don't want to, but it's this thing that I just figure they are going to hate me sooner or later, might as well speed it up. I've pretty much dismembered my 2year relationship within a weekend. I know I'm going to go home to somewhere empty. I feel no sense of self, I keep getting scared I'll have a motivated day and just fall off a building, just the thought of the falling sensation makes me feel lighter, and I've been concerned with it for a while. I'm scared.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Another year alone again. Happy new year everyone I hope u had a good time I may be alone Tonight but i wont give up yet.
One day I'll be a friend to someone if not, well I got my crippling shyness it will never leave me.
I feel dumb for being depressed for this but truth be told i never had a friend since i was a kid.
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self.depression
|
Girlfriends drinking drives my anxiety sky high My girlfriend drinks occasionally and I have nothing wrong with drinking in general, but she likes to drink a bit much once in a while. It's generally when I'm not around but it scares me even though it's normally in a safe environment. She's going out this weekend with her sisters but I'm pretty sure they're going to try and get her wasted since it's her 21st. Just needed to share and wanted to know if this type of thing bothers any of you.
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self.Anxiety
|
Wake up early and be productive? F that. Always sleeping all day, any advice? Been depressed for years now, on 300 mgs of Wellbutrin and was doing...decently, up until recently. Wellbutrin seemed to be the best fit after trying a handful of different antidepressants, and it even gave me energy for a while.
Now, all I fucking want to do - and do - is sleep. I lost my full time job at the end of last year and gave myself some motivational BS speech about becoming a gym rat and getting in shape during my free time. Instead, I can't get out of bed in the morning. The husband goes to work, and unless I have a shift at my part time job - which is all evening shifts anyway - I sleep. I don't want to wake up, I don't want to stretch, I dont want to work out...I just want to sleep.
How the fuck do I stop wasting my life like this?
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self.depression
|
I don't even want to get better I don't want anything anymore. I don't know what someone could say that would make me feel differently. I feel like a failure and generally pathetic as a man, yet I don't have the fight in me to change any of it. I see the cars pass by on the road and just think of the eternal void I could enter instead of doing something.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Has anyone here taken Zoloft? How did it work for you? I’ve recently been prescribed Zoloft for my anxiety. My doctor also thinks that I have mild depression brought on by the anxiety. so I started taking it today and I know I won’t feel too much change aside from the side effects till about two weeks ish, so I just want to know other peoples experiences and get kind of an idea of what is going to happen because I’ve never taken medication for my anxiety before.
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self.Anxiety
|
Anyone else has suicidal thoughts when they feel any (good or bad) strong emotions? As the title says. Anyone else can't handle strong emotions and end up feeling suicidal because of them?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I just feel like a massive fuck up and an idiot High school is so Fucking hard and even going to an alternative school I can't do anything right. I'm behind on my high school credits and I'm always missing class because I'm too sad and tired to get out of bed, not to mention my anxiety keeping me awake till 2 am every fucking night. I showed up late today and the first thing my teacher tells me is that I can't pass one of my important credit class because I'm absent so often. I've tried before to explain my mental illness to her but everyone just thinks I'm faking, doesn't care, or I'm being a hypochondriac despite going to therapy and on medication. I can't even do what I want in life even if I did graduate college because classes are $30,000 and my field doesn't even make that much if I did go through with it. I'd just be in debt forever and my family is broke as it is we struggle to pay rent every month. On top of all this I'm transgender and, despite being sure of this for 4 years, no one Fucking believes me and just makes me more miserable. For the first time in a year I've been thinking about self harming so maybe Fucking someone will care or say something. I've thought about how bad killing my self would be or just dropping out of high school.
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self.depression
|
I'm about to turn 29 and all I want to do is stay in my room all day [deleted]
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self.depression
|
How can I find happiness in my loneliness? I'm an awkward teenager who wants to become happier not by making friends, but by accepting the fact that I don't have any. I'm socially inept and distrusting of people, to the point where I've decided it's probably most realistic and for the best that I try and spend the rest of my life alone. The problem is, I don't know how I can convince myself that isn't a bad thing.
My social anxiety is at the forefront of my mind nearly every day and the fact that I both don't know how to interact with people and am terrified of nearly everyone around me depresses me. I have already written off relationships as a possibility in the future not only because of my appearance, but because I can't imagine myself ever being able to trust a person that much. Even though it scares me, all I can ever think about is dating, and it's one of the only things my friend will talk about, too. I hate it.
I'm constantly telling myself that being solitary isn't so bad but no amount of nagging has changed my mind. I can't make friends (I mentioned having one before, but the only reason we became friends is because she approached me first), I sure as hell will never be in a relationship, and I'm trying to tell myself both of those things are okay, but I don't believe it. Why must solitude be such a scary thing?
(Since I imagine someone's going to ask, yes, I have both a therapist and medication. I've been seeing my therapist since 2016 and have been taking pills since this past summer.)
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self.Anxiety
|
I am terrified of applying for jobs. I want to find a new job but haven't been able to bring myself to actually apply. Just the thought makes me feel sick. I've always liked subjects where there's a right and a wrong answer... and I've spent hours staring at my resume stressing that it's all wrong. I guess I just don't believe in myself or the fact that I'm somehow better than other people that would apply. My boyfriend keeps asking how it's going and I keep making up reasons to procrastinate. The idea of failing to apply to jobs I would fail to get is creating an infinite negative stress loop.
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self.offmychest
|
I’m being completely suffocated by suicidal thoughts I just keep getting into the shower when things get bad and slice up my arm and I don’t even feel anything anymore. I just do it without thinking. It’s not enough to take my mind off the worst of it anymore.
I genuinely believe I’m just drifting through other people’s lives; people don’t really know I exist, and I have never mattered to them. Including my family and colleagues and “friends.”
I truly believe I don’t matter or mean a thing to anyone. I can’t find anything but this hurtful truth everywhere.
I really don’t want to be alive anymore.
I’m lying in bed so fucking numb, wondering what the hell would be the point in waking up.
There’s hundreds of sedative anti depressants in mine and my boyfriends drawers
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Getting better but...something remains. I have often joked around that depression symptoms are all I have known; Telling my psychologists that I do not remember what 'normal' felt like, and all that. This includes a working sex drive.
I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and panic disorder and given Lexapro at the fun age of 13. On and off the medication for about two years, changes in dose...then to Abilify. The Lexapro didn't help, made situations worse, and I always felt sick...coupled with an extreme loss of weight in a short time. The Abilify was given after my primary care Doctor called my psychiatrist in a fury for my drastic weight loss.
I did better on the abilify, was weened off, but was placed in an emergency psych evaluation my senior year of high school for a self-harming incident; Hospital made me take Effexor and Trazadone.
I quit cold turkey a few months after that. A while later, I was given Wellbutrin, and quit that as well after feeling ill frequently.
However, what I want to get to is this: I've been on these medications since I was 13 (I'm 22 now) and my sex drive has been dead beyond belief for my entire time of puberty. Inability to gain or maintain an erection, inability to achieve an orgasm, no pleasure when I do and frankly...I turned to porn for my kicks. It was the only way that I could have that feel good but...even still I have an almost absent sex drive. I cannot maintain an erection. Orgasm brings me little good feelings and all of this has made me a recluse from dating and sex.
Talking with my doctor has not proved helpful. "Its all in your head."
Talking with my psychiatrists/psychologists is useless. "Nothing is wrong with you."
Trusted friends and family? "You haven't met the right person."
I'm tired, stressed, and very, very alone. I've gotten so much better with my anxiety and panic, I'd even say I'm pretty much cured...and my depression is mostly fixed...except for this.
Just needed to get this off my shoulders. Not too many people know the story, I don't trust hardly anyone around me with the information, and I'm just...living with it.
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self.depression
|
This is the story that has taken me years to tell. Regardless of what many people think about me, or think they know about me I am still a person. I have made my mistakes, and made jokes out of those mistakes. I’ve never felt comfortable telling anyone or even talking about it without attempting to make it a joke. As I’ve gotten older, I see the serious toll this took on me. The emotional damage that has carried on through the years. When I was 17, I was raped. Not by one man, but by three. I took a trip to a large university with a girl from my high school to visit a friend. While there we were invited to drink, it was the party culture. It was the idea of doing something rebellious just to feel alive. After that night I no longer felt alive. After that night I was no longer who I wanted to be. I was a girl going through the motions of daily life. To the girl I went with she always spoke about it as a funny story, a story in which she traded me for a bottle of alcohol. A story I never took seriously because of how she treated it, like a joke. After this night, I never felt like I could be touched without a small flashback of that night. I went through the motions, I tried so hard to feel something. Something I never felt again after that night. I turned to other things to try to feel something, a toxic relationship, more alcohol, drugs, random boys. I still felt nothing. That night a piece of me was taken that I will never get back. It was nights of miserable flashbacks, and trying to reach the bottom of the bottle, or going to party just to try to bring the spark back into my life. I never called it rape. It was, I didn’t know the names of these men. I didn’t consent, I just laid there. I let it happen, while my “friends” drank in another room. For most of the years I thought it was my fault, I thought because I was so drunk I had no right to call it what it truly was. I was a victim that night, and it took me two and a half years to realize this. For those years I couldn’t hold a healthy relationship, I was a bunch of rocky emotions mostly anger. A lost soul, I just needed to be found. I woke up one morning this past year and decided that I will no longer let that night define. This was not who I was supposed to be, I wasn’t meant to drop out of high school. I wasn’t meant to fall in love with someone who only broke me more. I was meant to live. I have worth, I have meaning, and I am a human. I still have trouble feeling certain emotions, but I am getting better. I woke up that day and decided to be better. I wanted to be a real friend, I wanted to be a lover, I wanted to be a fighter. I wanted to make a difference. I was ready to move on, I am not healed and I certainly am not a whole person nor do I think I ever will be. I made the choice to live that day. I decided to never take for granted the beautiful life I’ve been given. This is the secret I’ve carried for years now, and I’m ready. I’m ready to move on, I’m ready to live. Turning 21 I knew I had to find myself. I needed to be something worth being proud of. I made the choice to move on by myself. I can do this. I am victim, and being a victim will no longer define me. I am a creator, I am a lover, and I am a fighter. Here I am.
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self.offmychest
|
I barely move out of bed every single morning [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Daily mental health self-survey as a reality check? I have a habit of rationalizing, however, I feel at the moment as the end all be all of my moods and forgetting the ups and downs that might help me stay on a medication or stick with a better habit. Has anyone tried doing self-surveys (probably daily) as a reality check I can go back to when I'm unsure about a mental health decision? I also find I have trouble putting my current mood in perspective when a therapist or health professional is asking. I know that some folk have daily diaries but those take a lot more buy-in and I think the odds of my completing a daily survey are much better.
p.s. If no ones has one I'll prob make one and will deff share if anyone's interested in that...
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self.Anxiety
|
I can't remember I can't remember the last time I felt happy.
That alone has me convinced it's time.
I sat today, glossing over my life. Everything I do is to avoid my default feeling of sad, empty and bore.
I legitimately cannot go out into the world sober. I've tried. It hurts too much. And even if there wasn't a reason not to venture, I can't sleep sober.
It's a constant struggle. Help is not an option. Nothing can fix this. I think things all day--if something could fix this I wouldn't in this state.
Before exercise, eat right and get sleep advice starts rolling in: I did that, twice. Even at my absolute healthiest physically, nothing kept that damn rain cloud away.
Beside the make friends and have positive thought advice starts rolling in: I did that. Eventually I start to feel simply tolerated and I've had more than one letter of gratitude for being positive.
I feel tolerated. What a life, huh?
Why can't people just leave me, my core, alone? There's nothing wrong with me--why do people want to change me?
It's for their own selfish reasons.
Another episode of a whiny internet stranger wanting their cake and eating it too. Why do I matter? I'm stuck between throwing my life away and killing myself.
I tried to remember the last time I was elated and joyful...and I can't remember. So now I question did it ever exist? Does it exist?
I don't think so. I can't remember.
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self.depression
|
I have very severe combinations of mental disorders, and a terrible past. So here's a long backstory of me: https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/77xjbq/im_all_out_of_options_very_long_story_on_why_i_am/
So now that you've seen that, here are my symptoms.
Depression
Anxiety
Psychosis
ADHD
Those combined, stir up a massive sh*tstorm.
I lack many nights of sleep at a time; sometimes going 2-4 days without sleep. Thoughts race through my mind, and I get distracted easily. When I am up at night, I walk downstairs and walk in circles and think about things. Sometimes, I even go as far as walking a miles away from my house at 1-4 AM. I just don't see a reason for living. I literally have nothing.
My friends abandoned me, I get bullied heavily and am looked down upon. I walk around the school alone and get mocked for it; my favourite insult towards me was "Robot".
I know how friend groups work in school.
People call me a terrorist (I'm a British/Filipino).
I have a girlfriend that Doesn't really talk to me. I want to find someone that has the same problems and interests (I'm bi).
I stay inside a lot because I have no-one to hang out with.
I am unable to get a job because of my anxiety (I don't know what to do to apply and the job itself).
So with that, I really would rather not live. I mean it's confusing for what I want.
I just want a carefree life where I have a house, a loving bf/gf (Just like a full vacation from all the stress). Or just be a robot so I wouldn't have to deal with any of the stress I am in now.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
So inconceivably lonely, but I have family that loves me dearly. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
my horrible brother hello everyone. i’m here to share my story. i’m a 19 yo male. i have 2 brothers. we live in a 3rd world country. one is 17 yo, hyperactive and the other one is 15 yo and is very incorrigible. the incorrigible one is very spoiled he makes tantrums if he does not get what he wants when he does my other brother shouts at the top of his lungs and he starts destroying things like for example the chairs the doors, walls etc and then the whole neighborhood starts to hear us. he also runs away everytime i try to talk to him or he locks himself in a room. he is very lazy. he has not done a single house chore in his life and he does not even know how to tie his own shoes or cut his meal into pieces and believe me those aren’t the only things he couldn’t do. he calls my mother everytime he needs to do those kind of stuff speaking of which, has done physical abuse to my mother and he also swears at her while all my father does is talk to him but has no effect on him or what so ever. he is also very picky of his own meals. he only eats chicken and pork. he doesn’t eat fish or vegetables and when he doesn’t like the food that my mother made he wouldn’t touch it. and my mother who has a loving heart wants him to eat so she cooks again and i can tell that she is very tired of cooking . she couldn’t even start eating everytime sir down, she would need to cook for my brother. if i beat him my my father will get angry at me all because he is my brother and i am suppose to love him. i honestly think that if he was my brother he would be more of a protector to my mother rather than the attacker. all i want is him out of our lives. my mother is depressed and she always has bruises on her arm. he has also made a number of murder attempts on my mother. my father works hard and has done numerous amounts of overtime at his job just to sustain the family but he is already old and he puts me through college and i do not want him worrying about things like this anymore. i do not want this kind of burden on me and on my parents until they are gone. i know we can have a good life and i want them to have a good life like the other people i see around the public. he just needs to be out of the picture. he is ruining our family and he is the main problem why we can’t have a good life. my parents are pretty old and i really cry everytime i think about this and i want my parents to have the great life they deserved long ago.
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self.offmychest
|
How do you know when it’s time to go back on medication? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Rambling nonsense I freaking hate life. everything and everyone makes me so miserable. I can hardly feel anything anymore. the only time I can feel an emotion is when I'm upset. I don't remember what it's like feeling happiness.
Anyways I'm only 24 and I basically have no family left. We're about to lose my house and I just can't seem to find someone who cares for me. To be honest I'm a pretty decent looking guy, girls from my job often flirt with me and want to be with me. I just can't remember what it is like to "be with someone" It's been a while you know. I work all the time, come home to the sad state that is my once beautiful house I grew up in and there's just nothingness. I don't get any texts, I don't go out with anyone, I do nothing, nothing is fun. what's wrong with me?
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self.depression
|
Don't feel anything I had a massive anxiety for most of today but now feel really numb and emotionless really abruptly is this normal?
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self.Anxiety
|
It's my birthday today. It's my birthday today, and for every part of me, there is one substitute, there is always someone better than me, always someone who'll be ready to replace me. It's funny how I should be celebrating today, yet I've never felt more lonelier, more broken and more replaceable. All my notes are ready, everything is prepared. I'm just annoyed, I promised myself this year would be better but uhg life sucks.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
anyone else spending new year's alone I don't really give a shit about celebrating, because it feels like I'm celebrating nothing except for my own mental decline as the years drag on. I'm gonna sit alone in my room doing jack squat because I'm too embarrassed to ask the 1.5 friends I have what they're doing because it implies I'm a loser with no plans and also because I literally don't care. This year has been primarily a grind with very little reward. Every year we tell ourselves we will get better only for things to feel more and more blah. Everyone expects me to do something but I just don't see why. God I just wanna sleep these upcoming 24 hours away
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self.depression
|
Finally Told My Mom I Wanted To Start A Business [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
HELP! partner with anxiety and holiday plans my partner has anxiety and is unable to travel. They are working on getting better but it has been several years. They have never been to my home town or spent a holiday with family. I am planning on going home for Christmas and my partner is upset that i am choosing this over them. They promised they would try to go but tells me it will not happen. i just don't know what to do, i feel like i am enabling their anxiety.
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self.Anxiety
|
How do you deal with social anxiety and lack of confidence in a workplace, social gathering or even out and about somewhere random? I feel so anxious and I feel so stupid everywhere I go.
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self.Anxiety
|
Can anyone be there for me? I'm currently panicking and not sure what to do Hello there, recently I hit a major wall of depression. About two weeks ago I got very sad and stopped doing things I enjoy. I stopped talking to friends, stopped playing games, and I'm just disinterested in everything. Eating has become hard and when this began I went 3 days without eating, though since then I'll eat once or twice a day.
I keep worrying about things not currently happening, things that happened over a decade ago and I feel like I'm currently holding a magnifying glass over myself and hyper critical.
One thing I know for certain is that my partner started a new job and they work 5 days a week, when they are home they have very little time to talk or hangout. My grandma passed away and we are now moving from our house after living here 20 years.
I'm very scared, I feel like I'm losing my mind because I keep having a billion thoughts. My chest is tight and my stomach hurts, it feels like my heart is racing.
I have moments where I feel okay and I'm like, wtf am I worried about but they quickly go away and are replaced by dread... Please be there for me
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self.Anxiety
|
my mind is still there... I'm just losing other things... I'm still able to reason and rationalize right from wrong. I'm still able to communicate and articulate what I'm thinking and feeling well. I'm just losing the belief that things will get better. I'm losing faith that that spiritual being that's supposed to be looking out for me is looking out for me. I'm losing the strength to pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep going. I'm losing the will to fight. I'm losing the desire to meet others, have experiences and create memories. I'm losing the patience to wait out this storm. I no longer want to reach out to friends for help; they've seen me fall and pull through too many times. These are the pillars of life and they're crumbling right before my eyes and I'm losing the desire to do anything about it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Depressed and want out So yeah I’m depressed, very depressed, nothing interest me, can’t concentrate, very irritable and aggravated, and all the other symptoms that I️ have likely because of depression. I️ don’t like it and have been this way for a little over a year and a half. No I’m not going to kill myself for two reasons. One I️ believe that if I️ kill myself I️ go to a hell(so I’m not going to try to kill myself to “run away” from the pain, because I️t would only cause me more pain). Two I️ love my girlfriend and would not do that to her or anyone else close to me, I’m not selfish like that. I️ just want to stop feeling this way, is there medicine I️ can take, would a councilor be a better option maybe? I️ will take any and all suggestions, I️ just want out I️ need to be happy it’s been this way long enough. I️ am 16
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self.depression
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Help me I'm 19 and I'm close to killing myself. I feel like shit , I don't show it though. I have about a 100 'friends' , and only a few close friends. The close friends don't understand me and are getting on my nerves , and the other 'friends' aren't my friends. At home it's horrible , my parents are divorced , I live with my mom who angers me pretty much every day. I can't stay at home and I got to go somewhere because of that anger but often there's no one to call and I'm just left home feeling angry and sad. I turned to drugs but it didn't change anything just made me feel like an even bigger shit. I'm close to dropping out of college , I have no motivation to study , no motivation to do anything , no motivation to live. My best friend was a girl who I was madly in love with. But when I tried to make a move she turned me down , and now we're barely friends. I used to be fit , working out every day , playing professional soccer but now I'm just getting overweight and don't feel like doing anything about it. I keep failing my driver's test I can't even FUCKING drive. I messed up everything in my life I feel like every time I try to do something I just fuck things up even more. I just don't feel like living anymore and I'm very close to committing suicide.
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self.SuicideWatch
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4.5 hours into 2018 and I already am over it [deleted]
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self.depression
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avoiding social media i have felt happier I dont go on instagram at least once a month to see if i have a message is my plan I just noticed this has been a trigger for me (social media) honestly if this is an issue for anyone I been doing stuff I love to do coding/web design,gaming,twitch,fantasy sports,watching marvel netflix orginals im happy please stay strong im here if anyone needs it I feel I have made a big step in my life. sorry for this wall of text in bit of a rush
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self.depression
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I love you summer. I love you so much. All the songs on my stupid unreleased mixtape are for you. You are my world, my sunshine, my everything. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you like you were there for me. Five years couldn't have gone faster, and I wish I still had you in my arms. To hold, to love, to kiss, to bite and scratch and spank and fuck. Sex with you was more than just sex. Sex with you was proof you loved me and wanted to please me, the shit you did for me I'll never forget. You kept me going all these years and I'm sorry I can't keep going for you now. I know you want what's best for me, you are my "best friend" and all. But I just want you back. I can't live without you. Remember after sex? The small kisses and gentle rubs I'd give you everywhere? That did nothing for me. All those sweet little kisses brought me no pleasure, it was just proof that pleasure wasn't all I saw in you. I am so so so sorry. I wish I was better for you, all I am is for you. My highschool diploma? I only got that for you baby. Wouldn't have lived that long without you. The job I hate? Got that so I could support you. That smile on your face is worth lifting heavy cement slabs all day in the heat. Remember the drugs and the drinking and the self harm? All of that you so easily replaced. Yet the five years we were together you still drank, you still did xans, you still hurt youself, and it's all my fault. I can't live with this guilt and I'm so so sorry. I just can't do it anymore. If things don't change, on my birthday this year I'm going to go back to my hometown cabin, I'm gonna get my bullets and blow my brains out. I just want you back, I just want to replace you. I'm stuck in a dilemma like the first time we broke up. Where I want to make you hate me, so I can get over you. But I couldn't ever hurt you like that again. I wish you didn't care. I wish I didn't care. I wish we hated each other. I wish we never met. Yet these past five years were the greatest five years of my life. I love you. I'm so so sorry.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I stole a music stand today. I stole a music stand from a classroom today. But a music stand makes such a great laptop table and I am too cheap to actually buy one.
To be honest, I don't even feel bad.
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self.offmychest
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Does anyone have trouble with restless legs, tremor or head shakes? Anyone successfully treated it?
I can’t sit still, and feel uncomfortable all of the time m
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self.Anxiety
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I'm still a virgin. Everyone around me is falling in love. Everyone is having sex and having fun. The clock is ticking. Time for me is running out. [removed]
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self.depression
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The nightmares have come. I now have the thoughts and the panic attacks in my sleep too. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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How can I change my friends mind about suicidal people? My friend believes that people who commit suicide only do it for attention, how can I change his mind? This doesn’t make much sense to me since if you’re dead how are you going to enjoy the attention killing ones self attracts but you know I’m sure you awesome people can help me.
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self.SuicideWatch
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The angel I met I met this amazing girl at a bar, no intentions of hooking up, just went there to have a few drinks. When this beautiful girl looked at me, she was with her friends at this time. So I went over, asked if I could buy her a drink. And at this point she looked straight in my eyes and said "Why would you wanna buy me a drink" Her voice was angelic, it was like heaven singing. That had ofc caught me off guard so I said after staring into her hypnotizing eyes for a good 5 secs "an angel like you must be parched from watching over us humans". She gave me this half smile, sexiest thing on earth and said "lets go flimsy mortal"
So we got a few drinks, and like usual talked about normal stuff, work, hobbies, education etc. But she was different, everything she said seemed interesting, genuinely, not just "I wanna hook up so I'm gonna pretend like it's interesting" genuinely. She was funny, smart, beautiful and just a little dorky. It was perfect, we stayed until last call, at which point she asked where I lived and asked if we could share a cab. To which I said "Sure why not". We got to her place first and at now it was just a matter of finding an excuse to get upstairs (she lived in an building). "Come grab a coffee" she says. Needless to say I said yes.
Well one thing led to another, as they do, and we had sex. Stayed up all night, I'll spare you all the details. But in a word it was wonderful, best sex I had in a while. Next morning Woke up saw her laying in bed beside me she was looking so cute.
Then I proceeded to make the biggest mistake in my life. I snuk out. I slyly put on my clothes got a taxi to the bar and drove home. I didn't get her number, have no idea where she lived, all I got was her name. The most exquisite name a female could have in my opinion. Syrena.
I would do anything for a chance to meet that angel again. To find that heaven again.
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self.offmychest
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Loneliness makes you do awful things Bad family, just got out of a bad relationship, have always been bad at making friends (serious social anxiety). This ain't abnormal but I stay in contact with toxic people because I'm just desperate for that human warmth. I spend so much time seeking literal warmth as a replacement. I take like 10 baths a day. I swaddle myself up in blankets. I am so emotionally freezing.
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self.depression
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i want to kill myself before my flight tomorrow morning [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I've only had my thoughts and imagination for years. I've spent the past few years entirely on my bed. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I hate this Last week was such a good work for me. I woke up everyday and cleaned my house. I scrubbed all the floors and even cleaned the doors. I also got rid of a bunch of stuff and took a lot of stuff to my parents house. I woke up at 6am after only sleeping for a few hours and I felt great. Sunday comes and I can barely move. I stayed in bed until 3pm after going to bed at 10pm the day before. The only reason I got up was because I needed to go to the store. All that was in my fridge was mustard. I spent the whole time in the store with my hood up staring at the floor. I had a friend come over last night and I felt so boring and mostly I just wanted him to leave. I have a psychiatry appointment on 1/3 but I hope this doesn’t last that long.
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self.bipolar
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Do suicide hotlines help? I'm doing some suicide prevention research and was curious if any of you had any information (or real life examples) of suicide hotlines helping. As I personally see it I don't feel like they are helping but I want some date or real world examples (if you're willing to share, you obviously don't have to if you don't feel comfortable)
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self.SuicideWatch
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Depression alleviated with testosterone? I'm a 40 year old man with bipolar and PTSD, and I'm an alcoholic. The last year and a half have been extraordinarily rough, therapy, medicine changes, etc.... Nothing has seemed to help recently. Depression has been deeper and longer lasting each cycle in the last 18 months. A couple months ago I said "Fuck Everything" and quit my meds and therapy. Of course, I became quite unstable while withdrawing. Weight gain and zero sex drive prompted me to try testosterone, I had no clue that it would affect anything else.
Oh My GOD!!!! Not only have I lost weight and increased sex drive, but I FEEL WONDERFUL!!! I'm smiling, laughing, and generally feel like an actual human being for the first time in years!
This is not mania (I hope), I'm UP but I can still focus!
Has anyone else had experience with this? I'm afraid of what may come but I'm thrilled right now. Any one willing to share their experience?
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self.bipolar
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i just wanted to vent on a certain app and i get told to kms.
lmao that's the plan but damn haha fml
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self.SuicideWatch
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feel like theres no way this can be anxiety I keep getting the feeling like my conciouss is slipping away along with my vision dimming and sound muffling. if you have ever hyperventilated then stood up or just even stood up to fast after sitting and get a headrush it does the exact same thing, albeit much more intense. When I was younger I used to make myself hyperventilate to "get high" , i realise how stupid this is and only bring it up because of how similar it is to that. It would essentially dissorient you / confuse you, make your vision/sound fade out for a few seconds, then slowly come back over the course of like 20-30 seconds.
Whats happening to me now is basically I am getting that feeling, but not as intense, however its staying indeffinately. I am slightly confused by what I am looking at, the room seems darker then I know it is, colors seem drained/faded, and my vision keeps going blurry then correcting itself. It seems very much like the symptoms of a TIA (transient ishchemic stroke), or my brain not getting enough oxygen/blood..
Went to the ER was told its anxiety, even though they didnt check any of my bloodflow or anything other then my blood work..
just seeing if anyone has ever experienced this feeling which is basically a subtle version of pre-syncope sticking around indeffinately.. im doubting they have because i have googled around alot and not been able to find anything like this at all.
Worst feeling in the world tbh. Its like being partially brain dead. Any ideas?
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self.Anxiety
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I don't think I am capable of living a happy life All of my life I have been miserable, and I always thought it was because of situations that would pass. But no, the common denominator is just me. I used to be fat - I'm talking almost 300lbs. For someone who is 5'3, that is not good. I lost most of the weight, I wear a medium now (used to wear XL + XXL) and I look normal. But the mental weight is still there - I still feel fat (I am definitely still a little chubby).
I have a loving boyfriend. He is my first serious boyfriend and we have been dating for 2.5 years. We live together, and he's happy. I am happy sometimes, but I'm usually just miserable and anxious, through no fault of his own. I've thought about breaking up with him because I'm not happy, and I've spoken with him about this, but I came to the conclusion I am just not happy in general. It has nothing to do with him. If I was single I would probably just be even more miserable. Sometimes I feel so in love with him, more than anyone will ever know. I feel happy for brief shining moments and I wish I could always feel that way. But then I overthink and become anxious and nervous again. Another big part of this is that he is my first boyfriend and he is everything I could ever want in a man, but because is my first there is always a weird doubt - what if someone else is out there who is better? I do not think there is rationally, but idk. That thought is intrusive.
This bleeds into my social life. I am bad at making friends. I think very black and white - either someone cares about me a lot or not at all. I cut people off that don't care enough. I am left with almost no one. My standards are too high. I don't tolerate excessive flakiness, bailing, or otherwise ignoring me. Seems to be the way everyone is nowadays, so that leaves me all by myself.
Maybe I could be happier if I stopped caring so much. I care too much that everything goes right, that everyone is fair, that everything is equal and how it should be.
Sometimes I think I have some form of autism (like Aspberger's because of how trapped in my own head I am. I was tested as a kid, because my mom seems to think I had it as well, but it came back negative.
Even if I have depression, which let's not kid ourselves, I do, I'm way too terrified to go to an incompetent doctor and mess myself up even more than I already am with drugs. I went on birth control for about 10 months and it took away my sex drive (this was 1+ years ago and it still has not returned) in addition to making me crazily depressed and apathetic. If simple birth control did that... I can't even think about what depression meds would do.
I think I have resigned myself to this existence, since I am too cowardly to kill myself. And I do not wish to harm my family or boyfriend. This is my life now. Sometimes I am happy for a second. And then I am not. I am mostly alone, except for my boyfriend. I don't matter to anyone except my family. And that has to be okay. That is just how the world is.
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self.offmychest
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I just don't see any other option. Everyone is better off without me. I'm 28 and stuck at a stupid low paying part time job. I've looked for other jobs that pay more but don't qualify for any of them despite having a bachelor's degree. I have no network to help me get another one. I'm 2000 in debt because I sought help for being suicidal. Now my friends and family are forsaking me because I feel sorry for myself too much.
Rest assured I will not go back to the hospital a third time just to plunge deeper into debt. If I'm that bad to everyone around me, then everyone would be better off if I were gone forever. I have a plan in place. It's just a matter of executing it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Does my life suck? You decide... I suck at writing stuff so now’s a good time to click away. I just want to wright all my deepest emotions down so i can properly deal with them. I don’t care if no ones reads it, i just need to get it out.
I come from a big family, with 5 brothers. From when we were small i was always the shy introverted one. I’ve always been afraid to try new things while they kept getting better at stuff. I was feeling sorry for myself every day, sitting in my room jackig off most of the time while they were learning new stuff and hanging out with friends. Now they’re all talented, social people who actually have shit going on in their lives. And i got nothing. One of them is competing in the world top of breakdancing (he’s already by far the best here in germany). Another one is a really good artist, he can jugle with 7 balls and has done a bunch of tv commercials. All the others have their own talent too, a close friend group and good social life.
I don’t even know why i’m complaning. I’m a 17 year old guy who get’s good grades in school with minimal effort. I get complimented on my looks almost daily (and not only by my mom haha) and my parent’s are both doctors so we’re really well off.
It’s not that i’m not thankfull for what i have, it’s just that being confronted with the fact that everyone close to you is beating you at everything in life is hard. Even teachers compare us, that’s the worst part. They keep comparing or gymnastic abilities. All of my brothers got 100% on their tests, they’re the best of their class. While i’m litterally the worst, half the time i’m too afraid to try the things we have to do so i ask the teacher to just put a zero.
If you made it here, thank you for reading!:)
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self.offmychest
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I May Have Tried to Kill Myself a Week Ago...And I Don't Know How to Come to Terms with It Due to a lot of factors, but the biggest being excessively loneliness and isolation, and a long history of self-loathing, i wandered home one day last week a little drunk. My roommate was out of town for the day, so i was alone. I had this very weird sensation of having my life in my hands, and i remember sitting down with a bottle of rum and a shotglass, and deciding to see if i could drink myself unconscious. Shot. Shot. Shot. I have this little voice in the back of my head that freaks out whenever i do something dangerous, and i remember it saying "watch out, patrick. People have died from drinking too much." And i remember feeling encouraged and sort of disoriented at the same time. More shots. "No," i thought. "Im just drinking until the pain stops. Im not actually trying to die. Just pass out in bed, is all."
I remember writing to a friend "is that why its called a shot? Cause it feels like sitting here with a loaded gun in my hand."
What happened was my roommate came back a few hours early. I was embarassed so i stopped drinking, ended up vomitting, and just went to bed.
I don't know if this could actually be considered a suicide attempt. Part of me thinks there were definitely moments in that "session" where i was pushing to die. But part of me is like "no those were just random thoughts you had. You were just drinking cause you were lonely. You would never ACTUALLY have done it."
I dont know. I dont know how to process this event. I dont know what i did, or what it really means.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Bipolar, meds, and Eyes Hi all -
I've lurked for a while and today decided to create an account. Hope everyone is having an awesome (but not too awesome :) day). Wanted to share a few thoughts and hear some of your own experiences.
For a bit of background before my main topic, I'm diagnosed bipolar 2, have an anxiety disorder, ADHD, and some clear OCD symptoms. I've rapid cycled a bit more and more the last few months and currently getting it under control. After a couple of "those" days, I've started looking more into physical signs when I'm in that anxious hypomaniac state - as opposed to just wired or under the influence of my ADHD medication - and how to tell I've calmed down and back to stability. I'm currently taking 225mg Lamictal, 0.5mg klonopin 2x/day, and 20 mg adderall 2x/day
One thing I've noticed throughout my few year bipolar journey is my eyes are a huge indicator of 2 things: 1) the influence meds are having on me and 2) if I'm hypomaniac or depressed. Since identifying depression is easy (at least for me), I'm going to focus on the opposite side of the bipolar spectrum.
I've noticed my eyes tend to follow an exact pattern as I move towards the manic side, reach stability, and move back down from it. Since mine are blue, this phenomenon is even more pronounced.
Stable: when taking only lamictal and klonopin eyes are a bit glassy due to lamictal, pupils are "regular size." When adding adderall, pupils tend to dilate a bit more; however, I still feel stable.
Hypomaniac: pupils shrink to opiate addict levels. Eyes become much larger (both length and width), one eye *always* is bigger than the other. Essentially, I look crazy.
I took 2 pics 3 hours apart last week when I was hypomaniac - pic 1 is during an episode, and pic 2 is acouple hours after. On a slightly unrelated note, taking adderall during a hypomaniac episode tends to calm me down pretty quickly *shrug*
I've pointed out my findings to my girlfriend so she's a bit more aware of my mood upon first glance.
Does anyone else have experience with how your eyes when hypomaniac, stable, or medication induced?
https://imageshack.com/a/img922/2711/yYt4F9.jpg
https://imageshack.com/a/img924/6809/HgNIPd.jpg
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self.bipolar
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What can I do for my bestfriend ? Sorry for the english
I dont really know how to do a summary so sorry if it's gross
I have/had (dont know what to say here) a bestfriend for 3-4 years during High school. We were depressed and we had long talk about it, and how we wanted to kill ourselve and she was saying things like "I really wanted but i was thinking about you so i didnt do anything" and this went for 3 years. Love interfere but she was in couple, we were doing our things while she was in her reliationship. Well highschool ended we each moved to another city and I sayed to her (not the first time tho) that i was there and will be always here if she wanted to talk so long distance reliationship or I dont know what she started to be cold at me and our dicussion ended with something flat like "how are you ? Fine and you. Fine too" and ended like this so we dont talk now
My depression is now over so maybe she thinks that she is a weight for me (I already told her no) maybe she dont like me anymore maybe it's something else but I just wanna know if she's okay like is she really okay and happy now because last time I checked she was not and she's still depressed and when I talk to her she is very cold or she isn't answering at all
I know that she is will not be doing anything (I hope so) we were more a kind of passive suicidal like "I hope a bus hit me"
What can I say to see if she's okay because just asking will not do much she will just answer yes and I dont want her to live the rest of her live thinking that she is a piece of trash I mean you can't go on forever thinking like that
In the end I'm just in love with her and if she can be happy even with someone else, or far from me i would be happy but i don't know what to do
Anyway thanks for any answer and sorry again for the english it's not my native language and i'm tired while writing this
And if you're reading this (she came here once time) Dit moi comment tu vas, je suis inquiet
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self.SuicideWatch
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Im not sure If i have an eating disorder and its driving me crazy. First post got removed, im sorry.
I know theres the subreddit /eatingdisorders but they don’t accept rants in there.
Im not using a throwaway account because im not ashamed of this, I just need advice and to rant a bit. If theres a better subreddit where I can post this I would be really grateful.
Im a 17 years old girl. Im chubby and always have been. I am obsessed with food and I think its not healthy. Ive always been overweight, my first visit to the nutricionist when I was 6. Since then and my whole life, I’ve been constantly thinking about what I eat, how I eat. I bite my nails since I was 5, so sometimes I think maybe its an anxiety thing. I go into binge eating sprees since im 10 years old. Everytime I go out, im always thinking about eating something, or if theres gonna be food, or just thinking about what I ate or what I want to eat later.
Ive been doing a lot of different diets my whole life, from making me puke everything I ate when I was 13, to actually getting sick and puking everything without actually touching my throat. Turns out it was because of kidney stones, so I lost a lot of weight in that time. As soon as I graduated high school when I was 15 I entered college, and it made me so stressed I gained a lot of weight and became obese. As of right now, im still obsessed as fuck. I don’t eat much on a daily basis except when I binge eat, but I still have my mind on my body and food at all times. Im not obese anymore, but im still fat.
My dad died on march. That got me really depressed. I was actually doing really well on my diet until that happened, since then I cant focus on excercising or even get out of bed. Everyone who knows me says I have an eating disorder, but its always behind my back. Sometimes, after going into a binge eating spree I get really sick and puke a lot of bilis and have to be interned for a couple of days to a clinic. This happens maybe 6 times a year since im 13. My mom told my boyfriend Its because I have a disorder, but she has never talked to me about it, im not close to her at all.
Sorry I made this long. I don’t know if I actually have an eating disorder or if im just obsessed with eating. I know I should quit my bullshit and do something about it, but its so hard and I feel like my body is already fucked up and even if Iose weight it will never be pretty, so its too late.
Sorry for my wonky english, my mother language is spanish.
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self.offmychest
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How can I stop myself from becoming chronically depressed during my Christmas break from teaching?
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self.depression
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I have the courage to kill my self yet I can’t go down a fucking waterslide The title says it all my anxiety stopped me from going down a small waterslide and yet I have the drive and courage to kill myself there must really be something fucking wrong with me
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self.depression
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Learning to drive with anxiety disorders So guys I am GAD with obsessive thoughts. I’m 18 and I’m learning how to drive , I already completed the 6 hour online course and now I just need to practice . But driving at high speeds even 40 scares me and while I am driving I get anxious . How can I calm this down and how do I get more confidence with driving ?
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self.Anxiety
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Have no emotion and don’t care about anything or anyone. Am I turning into something bad? Hi everyone
So basically I’ve been on here many times before looking for answers but I just don’t know who I am anymore. I’m 21 years old and a university student and this is my story.
Where do I start. So it all started in February when I had a major panic attack after reading symptoms of schizophrenia in uni and I thought I had it. Then I had another panic attack and then I couldn’t sleep cus everyone id try my heart would race. Anyway went to the doctors and they gave me beta blockers which made my panic attack go away. But I was left with this feeling of everything feeling unreal and like something was off and I just couldn’t connect with anyone and everyone else felt unreal. I felt like I was going insane but also I still thought I had schizophrenia so I went to the doctor and he said that I might have PTSD. The reason for this is my mother was attacked in broad day light by a person who was mentally ill and she was very badly beaten. So the doctor said I had this later due to the trauma of this. Anyway I felt like I couldn’t control my own body and I was just a bunch of thoughts. I also had major health anxiety as I convinced myself I had a tumour and my parents called the hospital only for them to tell me that I had anxiety and that was it
So in April I was still in the terrible state I was in back in February, but I went on a field trip to New York. It was nice but my mental health felt like it was deteriorating. Anyway, I was in the queue for the Statue of Liberty and I had this thought about killing everyone there and I could actually do it. I tried to shake it off but it’s like I couldn’t tell what was from right or wrong anymore and everything went blurry. I couldn’t shake the thought from my head and started to think I want to do it
So I went to a number of psychiatrists who diagnosed me with severe anxiety and obsessive thinking. I basically cried every night and have even lost my girlfriend due to this as I told her everything that I was thinking. It felt like I cried over nothing and there was no emotion behind it if that makes sense.
So because I kept having these bad thought of hurting/killing people I convinced myself I was a psychopath/sociopath and I can’t tell you how many websites I’ve been on trying to convince myself I actually am one. Even now I think I am a psychopath as actually feel nothing. Nothing for no one or anything I just don’t care about anything anymore.
What feels more disturbing is I think that because I feel this way means that I need to hurt/kill someone to excite me but deep down I know it’s wrong but it’s like my brain is telling me to do it but I don’t want to but because my brain wants me to I don’t know if I’ll enjoy it. I just don’t feel even scared towards anything anymore just absolutely numb
I can tell you I had a brilliant up bringing. Yeah my parents argued at each other from time to time but don’t all parents so that wouldn’t have affected me. Also I don’t connect to any memories before I had my panic attack it feels like there someone else’s I just can’t relate to them. Furthermore, I’m quite a thrill seeker and like to do stuff like sky diving. I’ve also become very impulsive and don’t care what I do anymore. So my question is have I become a
Psychopath or a sociopath?
I just need answers cus I literally feel nothing, not even love, I could sit in bed all day everyday staring at the ceiling trying to figure out who I am. Also I don’t really recognise myself in the mirror
I know this is long I just need some opinions of what is wrong with me thank you for reading this!!!!
Lloyd
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self.Anxiety
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Why do I think everyone secretly hates me? Why do I over-think and think people are after me and are secretly bad-mouthing me everywhere? Why am I so pessimistic? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I might kill myself if I fail at this job It's not the job that's been the only thing weighing me down, but it's definitely the main thing on my mind right now.
I've failed at every single job I've ever worked at and am beginning to think I'm disabled in some way that prevents me from being a good worker. I struggle to pay attention and stay focused for 8 hours almost non-stop and have serious communication difficulties which prevents me from interacting well with coworkers.
Throughout high school and college, I told myself it was no big deal, because I was just working part-time jobs at gas stations and fast food restaurants. But now I just got my first full-time corporate job after spending nearly $50,000 on a college education, and it's going just as miserably as all my other jobs in the past. Just two months in, I've already made a slew of mistakes and pissed off my managers because of it.
I want to get myself a diagnosis so I can figure out what the fuck is wrong with me and why I struggle to work so much. I don't get it; I was an excellent student all throughout my life and finished college with a 3.9 GPA, but it's like the moment you put me in a work environment I'm totally useless. I want to get some professional help so I can stop feeling like an inept waste of life, but the problem is right now I'm living with my parents because I still don't make enough money to live on my own. The one and only time I brought up the possibility of me having some mental defect, my mother flipped out and insisted that "there's nothing wrong me" and "her child is *not* retarded". I'm just so scared that the moment I get professionally diagnosed, the one and only person financially supporting me is going to abhor me, view me as a waste of life, and kick me out.
I seriously just don't know what to do anymore. I give my absolute best effort and I still can't work properly. I feel like staying alive is just delaying the inevitable; I was just destined to get fired from every important job I've ever owned until I end up broke, drowning and debt, and homeless. I don't want to give up, but I'm just so scared right now and think it's way not to prolong my suffering....
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self.SuicideWatch
|
The only joy in life i get is cuddling with prostitutes It’s the only time i feel human. Normal girls won’t even look at me. Girls hate shy guys.
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self.depression
|
My Suicide experience Not sure if this goes against guidelines, so it may be removed, but I recently wrote an article about suicide to spread awareness as well as share my experience
http://tmvxx.com/index.php/2018/01/23/suicide-the-permanent-solution/
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Always look up a message for those feeling down all bipolar sufferers get moments of clarity that makes everything make sense this is my story of my moment of clarity. I'm writing this as a bipolar sufferer who has had many ups and downs during my battle with the raging monster called bipolar but has happened upon good times,
Usually my bipolar posts are depressing and angry and I have was depressed and angry for a long time,
And me being me put it down to not managing my bipolar well when actually it was my situation making my bipolar less manageable.
What I failed to notice was that for the last 4 years (apart from the last six months) was it was my life that was actually making me worse I didn't enjoy life I no longer loved my girlfriend and would spend 99% of my time in the kitchen smoking weed thinking this is my life Now,
That all changed when I found someone who I actually connected with on every level who made me see life is worth living and has made me think about the future for the first time in 15 years.
So don't give up keep fighting and if you are seriously depressed then look at your life and see what changes you can make to better yourself if your life is making you unhappy change it,
This is a weird bit of clarity for me so please fellow bipolar sufferers always look up and make the changes that bring you happiness,
The first step is always the hardest but as long as you keep looking forward you can pull through this.
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self.bipolar
|
I dont think i cant do this anymore help!!! I'm currently in third year of medical school (22 years old), technically i'm supposed to be in fourth year right now but due to mental illness, i had to repeat second year of medical school. Honestly right now i'm so tired from clinical years, surgery rotation and still have another 3 more to go, and keep thinking about quitting a lot because i don't think i'm mentally cut out to be a medical student. I think i'm suffering from anxiety, mild adhi pi and some form of depression. I am so regret of taking this course without even imaging what a life of misery i would sign up. The first time i enter med school, i was so excited and i was so motivated for 2 year until i had to repeat my second year. But even so at that time i still didn't give up and keep going on because it's just a hurdle that i need to pass through. Now the clinical year is killing me and the constant environment of taking care of patient, clerking and insane voluminous amount of lectures that i had to study is killing me like my brain is starting to give up and i have trouble to absorbing facts easier. I tried, i keep reading and reading like a lot but it seems like no matter how much i read i still couldn't remember half of the facts. Now i'm about 90% set on quitting but half of me is scared of disappointing my parents and bringing a shame to their name which is why i'm still trying to hold on to my last shred of strength even though i could feel like i'm about to descend into a circle of depression. The loan i'm going to be in debt is probably not going to be a lot, around (4500 USD, the government subsides most of it and if i quit i have to pay that particular amount). Some part of me is also scared of quitting because i'm scared having to face the perception of my friends and acquaintance that would surely making their presumption that i'm stupid which is why they kick me out and i have to quit med school as a consequences. Any advice please?
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self.offmychest
|
I think I'm unlovable I haven't gone on a good date in the longest time and even my friends don't bother when I don't show up. This depression keeps me from forming close human connection
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self.depression
|
Im tired I tried to kill myself 4 years ago. When it didn't work it kinda ended up being a turning point in my life. Like, I got up from that attempt and I made new friends and I accepted that I'm transgender and I got the therapy that I needed and got started on hormones and just like.. Everything got better. But then it got bad again. Which, like, I'm mad about. Because my life is pretty perfect. Objectively. I have the most beautiful, smart, loving girlfriend, a hand full of close friends and even more acquaintances. For the most part my grades are okay -- I was planning on changing into a programming degree and have great grades for that -- but even if I don't I'm pulling straight A's on the arts degree right now. My parents are even coming around to accept me for the guy I've always been. Fuck -- I even have a job and yeah it's minimum wage but I can now afford to buy shit I want and take my girlfriend out and its great. And my tips all go towards transitional surgery and honestly I've got a nice start on that. And because you know, all of that doesn't sound good enough, my 19th birthday present is basically my own car. Paid for and insured by my parents who are also paying for my school because I have the perfect life. Except for the fact that, you know, I wanna kill myself most of the time. I don't even know why, honestly. Just that like, I'm tired. I'm tired of having a perfect life and I'm tired of dealing with all the shit I went to therapy for.
So, I guess the question is why haven't I done it? Two reasons. When I first told my girlfriend I attempted before she made me promise not to do it again. Because she wants me in her life, because I'm her best friend, because she's too far right now to do anything if I did try. And like I want her to be happy -- to get though her finals and be happy. Me killing myself would fuck that up. The second reason is that I don't have a good place and time to go though with it. I know how I plan to do it, there is just nowhere for me to do it without being caught. So here I am. On this subreddit talking about how great my life is and how I still want to die but can't yet.
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self.depression
|
Heelp duuuuuuuuude
I keep asking for help on reddit and my threads get downvoted to 0
I keep begging for friends on tumblr and twitter to be my friend and/or talk to me
I"M SO FREAKING LONELy
I LIKE ANIME AND CARTOONS AND VIDEO GAMES AND STUFF
I'm too depressed to eat dinner
I want to be friends with someone ;____;
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self.depression
|
Im worried about a friend who's showing depressive signs, how can I help them? Ive known this person for years and he's always been quite low key. Recently though he's been talking about feeling disconnected and not engaged with the world as well as staying in bed for up to 14 hours a day when he's always been so active before. He recently said he feels like he doesn't care about anything and it feels like he's always deep in thought but not thinking about anything.
Is this signs of depression or am I being paranoid? If so, how can I help him?
|
self.depression
|
Flat-chested, plain-looking, timid woman Off my fucking small, ugly chest.
What more can I say? I have A-cup boobs. My body is chubby and out of shape. I don't even have definition on my waist. It's almost like a... rectangle. It's just straight. I look like a fucking boy. Sure girls can look boyish while still being pretty but not me. I just look like a boy. An ugly boy at that. I cannot wear a shirt while not looking like a male. Imagine having a slight pooch WITHOUT boobs. I look like a drunk uncle.
I am not pretty. I could look okay when I put some lipstick on, but without that I just look like a man. Seriously. My face is a fucking square for fuck's sake. My hair is very unruly, but I cannot wear them up because I would look uglier.
Everything about me is unlady-like. Maybe it is because I was raised without much females guiding me growing up but I get along better with males and I act boyish too. I tried becoming more feminine and be flirty, but it feels fucking weird. Compared to other females my voice is low (alto to contralto) and I speak in a monotone voice.
I know not all flat-chested women look like a boy. Not all women who speak in monotone cannot be attractive. BUT, if you have all the characteristics I have said above you might as well be a boy.
Sometimes I even question myself if I am really a girl. I am close to getting hormone pills just to be more feminine (I heard trans use them). This is seriously fucking me up. There were a lot of periods in my life when I go on extreme diets and fast just to get skinny. But then I would just breakdown because I know that even though I get thin I would still look like a boy. I would like to have breast implants but I cannot afford them right now, and besides it is against my values too (though maybe there is no other way to fix my problem but surgery since I am already 23).
I know this is such a petty problem compared to other problems out there. I am really sorry. I just want to be pretty. I haven't heard someone compliment me for a very long time now. I see people get compliments all the time but not me. It kills me inside.
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self.offmychest
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I Wrote A Description Of My Depression For My Psychiatry Assessment This Friday. Does It Paint A Good Picture? And Can Anyone Else Here Relate? "Usually when you feel bad, you can listen to your thoughts and interpret what's wrong and how it could be helped. Ideally, that's how it works.
But quite often, my thoughts aren't intelligible. I'll feel severely anguished, and when I tune into my thoughts, it's like all I hear is this constant, grating noise. There's no sense to be made of it, and no discernible way to make it stop. The uncontrollable suffering of it evokes a feeling of complete exhaustion and defeat, like I need to find a hole to die in.
Ultimately, dying is something I think should happen after hurting so much. Knowing that this kind of constant suffering will never lead to death feels unnatural and unjust. Like I've been cursed with some kind of cruel immortality.
That's when I think about suicide. It seems like the only thing I could do in my power to make it stop.
I've never had easy access to death. Usually the available methods have required some kind of physical energy.
But, much like an animal that is dying in a hole, energy isn't something I have at the time. It's a perpetual suffering, a viscious cycle. The fact that I can't just fade away is like a cruel joke. Like someone who is sick in bed and will never get better, doomed to be helplessly suffering for all eternity.
When I'm somehow not afflicted by the crippling emotional drought, I have little to no energy at all. The slightest mental interaction feels insurmountable, and will leave me spiraling downward again.
It could be anything good or bad. Watching tv, hearing a loud noise, being asked a question, looking at something pretty. Every signal in my brain feels like an overload.
So most of the time, I assume for my own protection, my brain is numb. It's boring at best, but in a reality where everything seems to hurt me, it's essentialy the only corner I have left to hide in."
Edit: spelling
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self.depression
|
A student just told me that she misses me. I had been working at this tutoring place for a year but had to quit a few months ago because I was leaving for college. I really loved that job. I really loved what I do, some of the students I worked with, and my coworkers.
A lot has happened in my life for the past few months, and I really miss my coworkers and my boss right now. They feel like a family to me and it feels like they got my back so I always have someone to lean on, someplace to go to when I'm lost. They feel like home.
Just now, I was talking to my friend whose younger sister was a student of mine. She told me her sister misses me. I was surprised. I missed my students because I liked seeing kids work hard and learn. I liked seeing kids persistently try to solve a problem even when it was extremely difficult. I was extremely happy to help them learn and seeing them smile at the end when they figured out a problem was a bigger reward than the paychecks.
I didn't expect the students to miss me, though. To them, I was a pain in the ass that never just told the answer but made them work harder to find the answer. I was the villain who grades their homework and made them fix all the mistakes. I remember hating my teachers when I was in an elementary school. I thought teachers are one of the most hated people in the world.
But today a student told me that she misses me and she says that all the time. That just makes me so happy that I want to cry and it feels good.
I am glad that I am still alive, and I hope I am still alive until the winter break so I can go visit my work family and students. And tell them how much I missed them and love them.
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self.offmychest
|
I got friend zoned, and I have hit rock bottom Sophomore in college who enjoys sports and hanging with friends. I caught feelings for my best friend, and she said she didn't want a relationship because she didn't find me as physically attractive.
Even though we're still friends, I've never been more hurt about someone. Every day since she told me (2months ago) I can only think negative things about myself, how I've never had a real girlfriend or a real first kiss, comparing my life to all of my friends' lives. I feel like I have no hope, and I often wish I was in someone else's shoes. I want to redo so many things in my life. It ticks me off
|
self.offmychest
|
I somehow managed to get a date tonigbt She's something special, normally I always reach out to women, and they don't return the same smile and won't want to make conversation, but this one is different. She's more friendly and outgoing than me! I'm going to have my hands full tonight, which will be a nice change of pace from sitting in front of my computer alone on a Saturday like I'm sure alot of us here are used to. Wish me luck everyone! I'll need it. Anyone out there struggling, just be confident and love yourself!
|
self.depression
|
I don't think i can do this any more
edit - I'm fine now - time to figure out how to get all my meds again after flushing them down the toilet
|
self.bipolar
|
Single Bipolar Parents I've recently been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder type 2 and im a single mum. Does anyone have any suggestion on how to parent when you are going manic or really depressed.
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self.bipolar
|
Why did my depression stick with me... At this point in time... I’m not sure why I am so depressed, so null in this life that I live...
I remember my first wave of depression... it was in middle school. The bullies became my best friend, and my isolated tendencies had gotten the best of me. But now in college, these old ways have stuck with me and won’t leave. The girls like me, I’m good looking, I have a decent humor. I can add to the list of good things I’m grateful for that a lot of people seem to lack (I’m sorry). With all these things going for me I still feel so depressed and so alone. I feel so numb, like a ghost that everyone loves but can’t see somehow. I don’t understand why I feel so tired all the time... is it because I can’t sleep? Or when I do sleep it’s because I over sleep and stay in my bed for days on end almost...
The worst part is I feel like offing my self everyday. I remember when I tried to. I was to weak and couldn’t end my own life. I hate my self for that. I hate my self entirely and I don’t even know why. I’m a disgrace I’m just another degenerate wasting space in this society. I’m failing all my classes, I have no drive to do any work. For some reason I keep telling my self that my best friends aren’t actually my friends but I believe my self for some reason. I hate that when I take the train to school... the whole train ride I regret not jumping. I’m sick of feeling so empty... so depleted. What did I do to deserve this mental hell.
At the end of the day I have no real thing to be depressed about... I know a lot of you guys have it worse. But for a full 6 years I’ve been so broken and numb, and I’m scared I’m going to live like this for a very long time.
I’m only 18... and I feel like I’ve been on the earth forever. I want to genuinely be happy one day... it’s not like I’m incapable of laughing, but right after the laugh it feels like I’m back in the pits of hell...
Can anyone relate to how I’m feeling? What have you done...? I feel one day I’m gonna explode, and I don’t even know why...
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self.depression
|
It’s only [a fraction] of a second. Then one is redeemed of everything and finds tranquility and eternal peace What a beautiful quote. Anyone feel the same way?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
No courage to commit suicide I have the pills. A peaceful death ensured. Just take them and slip away. Except, I can't. Why? I'm not sure. I guess I'm afraid things go south, that it doesn't work and Im permanently disabled. I just want the pain to go away
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Abilify? I got prescribed Abilify and I was wondering the experiences others have had with this medication? My biggest fears with it are weight gain and restlessness.. Feeling very anxious today.
|
self.bipolar
|
the story of how I went on a run. I had an accomplishment yesterday that I want to but don't have anyone to share with because it's kind of pathetic. this is the story of how I went on a run for the first time in my life:
1. I was thinking about it the entire day. I planned exactly what I would do: warm up, go down the stairs from the fifth floor, run three laps around the park next to my house (I have no idea how much it objectively is), go up the stairs and stretch. I planned on exactly six in the evening- in this time of year it's really cold and dark outside and no sane person would be in the park.
I planned exactly what I would wear, how I would put my keys in the mailbox so I wouldn't have to carry anything, how I wouldn't listen to music because it would give me a convenient reason to stop as I won't be able to settle on one song.
2. I got dressed and made soup so I would have energy before going out, I planned to eat one bowl and ate two. I turned on the heating in the bathroom shower the moment I come back.
3. I was scared of the warmup because I usually fill silly doing but it actually went on okay.
4. the second I wanted to open my door to go out, my next door neighbour opened the door and waited for the elevator with her tiny doggie. I waited patiently in front of my closed door until I was sure they left the building.
5. I went down the stairs and started running, but pretty soon I saw another woman with another a big black poodle so I changed my and went into a dark alley. It was so dark I couldn't run because I couldn't see the pavement and I could fall down, so I just walked quickly in pitch black and that was fun.
6. then the alley joined with the park and I started to do the lap, alternating between sprints and walking and breathing heavily, but I misplaced and joined the lady with the poodle but she ignored me pointedly so it wasn't that bad.
7. but I didn't want to encounter her again so I didn't do another lap and went back to my house and went up the stairs. and I was actually out for about ten minutes. and did about one lap and a half of the park.
8. I stretched, went straight to the shower and after made myself past and meatballs. I ate three times the amount I was planning to cause it was so delicious (don't know if it was objectively that good.)
9. I woke up at five in the morning with my calves hurting. (don't know If I woke up because of it, I wake up randomly a lot lately).
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self.depression
|
Shifts in sleeping habits are getting funny ridiculous. Hey all, just curious if anyone knows if a single symptom like this is possible, and related to something?
Basically, without Benadryl, I won’t sleep. I feel tired, the “calm mellow” tired ... but I still won’t sleep. It’s not frustrating. It’s a weirdly curious “why doesn’t my brain sleep anymore?”
Sometimes, always when sunrise is coming up ... I can fall asleep for 1-4 hrs.
This has been going on for couple months. Literally no other signs of mania - my first suspect.
Normal sleep for me is 8-9 hours. So, just being tired and not sleeping on 1-3hrs ... that should mean I’m already in deep manic shit right now.
But, I’m not. Neither euphoric nor dysphoric mania. Lithium alone is doing pretty okay-ish :-)
I’m currently only taking Lithium. Besides a little agitation, and need to pace just a little bit ... all the other side effects are pretty much gone.
Anyways, that’s it. No big deal. I’ll keep dosing on Benadryl, every few days. Trying to keep its usage low, as I’m quickly building tolerance to it.
Side note: a week ago, I did end up sleeping 14+ hrs/day for 5 days.
Not sure what that was because of.
¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
|
self.bipolar
|
Nothing ever changes. 17, Closeted, and a worthless outcast of society.
I finally got my GED last week.
I had hoped that after the months of stressing over it and studying that after getting it things would change. That my life would pick up and suddenly be productive and meaningful. But everything has just been more of the same.
I've been homeschooled since I was about 6-7. My education was shoddy and I've been heavily socially isolated (Besides family). I'm stupid, socially awkward, and useless. I'm not good at anything.
I live in a hot dry dusty conservative town in Texas. The weather has begun to make my father sick, and due to the abysmal job opportunities my family is planning to move to Colorado next year. It's one of the only things that keeps me going.
I'm bisexual but nobody in my life knows. My entire personality feels like a massive lie I put on for my family. I don't know who I really am or what I'm really like. I've never had friends or social experiences outside my parents, uncle's, and cousins. My family loves me but, they are pretty heavily Christian conservative. They wouldn't take it well. My father once said "My only expectation of you in life, is to not be gay."
Once I get my driver's license and a means of transport, I plan to start job hunting as soon as possible. But I worry that I wouldn't be able to hold down/get a job due to my incompetence and lack of social skills.
I really need to move out too. It's the only way I'm ever going to be able to find myself and get away from my family. Maybe come out properly one day. But all of my siblings are in their mid 20's and still live with their parents, and it scares me. I don't think I can stand to live with them past 20 without completely losing it.
I worry that even if everything goes right, and I move out and get my own life, everything would still be fucked. Because I'm just a broken half baked person, and nothing will change. I'll never be happy and have my life in order.
I think about shooting myself alot. I don't think I would ever go through with it, but I think about it alot.
|
self.depression
|
cocaine So I did cocaine for the first time last night. The first drug I’ve ever done in fact. Ended up doing 6 lines and I felt really good then towards the end a bit panicky when my heart started to speed up quite a bit. Anyway, today I feel really shit and sad and I want more and I just feel awful and anxious and panicking again
|
self.offmychest
|
After i'm posting this i'm going to kill myself. A song i’m listening to right now: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzeNAUOp17c
This is pretty much a suicide note. Here’s some information on me:
I'm 15, male. I've always been really sensitive (and adults say i'm smart). I've known since i was 10 that my life will probably end in a suicide.
I've pretty much always been suicidal and nihilistic. I've always been really interested in death too. Since i was 8 i've watched online videos of people dying. I've watched countless people kill themselves. I've watched those kinds of videos/pictures so much i don't even have an emotional reaction to them anymore.
Look, i know suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. But what’s the point of living anyway? What good will it be? Will i be happy someday? Fuck that. It’s just not worth it.
I often fantasize about killing myself in a very grotesque manner. I've done this since i was 10. I fantasize i'll like put a video camera on, put on some sad music, then stab myself countless times while crying and screaming. Then some days later someone will find my rotting body, the video camera, someone will see the video, get traumatized..
You could never guess i had those thoughts. I seem happy and stable. Even my father sees me as such. My family has always been really broken. My parents would fight and yell at each other when me and my little sister (who's 1,5 years younger than me) were just tiny children. They divorced like 3 years ago, and since then, my little sister has been very fucked up. She started smoking, drinking, dating dangerous guys.. and she's only 14. She probably hates my dad, because he's the one parent who tries to get her to stop these things. He really cares about her, but she keeps being extremely cold to him. She has no clue who she is or why she does what she does. We haven't talked in 2 years. She cuts also.
My mother is an asshole who cheated on my dad many times. She does nothing to stop my sister from smoking. She, in fact, gives my sister the cigarettes she smokes. I fucking despise her for that. I have nothing else to say about my mother.
So, now i’m very sure i’m going to kill myself. I already feel bad for my father who, earlier today, said that i’m the only one who keeps him sane. I already feel bad for my stepmother. I feel VERY bad for them. Also my friends, who would’ve never seen this coming.
But in the end.. it doesn’t matter. When i die, i don’t have to see my father’s life become hell as he tries to navigate life without me. I don’t have to see the tears the people around me are going to shed. I don’t have to see the face of the person who finds my dead body. It just doesn’t matter. Maybe i just wasn’t made to survive.
So now, because being explicit about suicide methods isn't allowed here, i'm just going to say.. i'm killing myself after i post this. No video cameras or screaming tho. Just some sad music, probably the song i linked already. And lots of crying.
Goodbye. If my father reads this, i’m sorry i left you too soon. But please understand, staying any longer would’ve been a fate worse than death.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
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