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I literally have no idea what to do. I’m afraid I’ll get fired So I started a new job two weeks ago and I’m in training. Training has been getting out early although we are scheduled from 8-5 so the trainers normally just let us leave. I’ve been having really awful anxiety as part of my hypomania since Friday and had to call my pdoc. He told me to call him today if my anxiety meds didn’t help and it persisted. I had a panic attack in the middle of training so I called him at lunch break and my pdoc said I needed to come ASAP. Training got out 2 hours early so I rushed to my appt. come to find out my coworker was the only one who decided to go to our floor after training to let them know it was done. All the other trainees are on different units and went home. My supervisor saw my coworker and asked where I was and she told her that I had an appt. so now I’m probably going to get reamed tomorrow. When I went home, I did 2 hours of work to make up for it which i should be able to prove, but I’m still worried I’m fucked. What should I tell my supervisor if I’m confronted tomorrow? I don’t know if I feel comfortable disclosing my mental health situation even though I work at a mental health agency. Any advice?
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self.bipolar
|
A Day to Get Drunk and Forget The response to learning my birth date is always the same: "You were born on New Year's Eve? That's so cool!" It is always met with a slightly sad chuckle. "Yeah, the whole world gets drunk and forgets about my birthday." Though, to be fair, it is not always the case that people forget.
I have gotten food poisoning.
Two friends (who I love dearly) spent one party announcing their marriage the day before.
My parents have forgotten.
I have spent it alone.
I have spent it meditating a fight between a friend and his girlfriend.
I feel a bit guilty for wanting a bit of the day to be about me. It feels selfish. But I hate that every birthday has been overshadowed. I have never had a birthday party, and, most years, I don't even get cake. And there are so few opportunities to eat cake!
When I expressed my frustration to some friends (read: whined a bit because I was grumpy about it), they said that birthdays aren't special, that they make plans with people on their own birthdays. I think they are special, though. They are an excuse to be happy with people you love and to feel loved in return. As for making plans - everyone usually has New Year's Eve plans. Mine this year is to sit around for a while and then go to an ex's sister's house (which should be mostly full of people I don't know).
I don't know. Perhaps I am being childish in wanting to have a special day for myself, full of cake, ice cream, and love. What can you do but accept it and grow up?
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self.offmychest
|
I'm ending it all. I don't wanna live anymore with pain bye world.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My mom. Before I begin I just wanted to be a little light-hearted, even though people reading this are probably struggling as I am and feeling quite bad. When I chose this title, it reminded me of Muscle Man from Regular Show, he's one of my favorite characters from that show and it's funny when he always makes jokes, even where it isn't fitting, where the punchline is "My Mom." Anyways, my mom is a saint, I swear she is an angel in disguise. She always had a hard time raising us cause my dad is abusive and he has paranoid schizophrenia, which was always hard on everyone. I don't blame my dad, as he is suffering from mental illness, but sometimes when I get mad I do feel like I hate him. It's so hard to believe that someone so good like my mom, could have such a hard time in life and not be rewarded for how good of a person she is, but life is not a dream, and this is one of the reasons I am so pessimistic. My mom tried to commit suicide twice in her life, one time I witnessed it first-hand. She was trying to swallow a lot of pills, but she threw up later and there was always a stain there to remind of us what had transpired there. For this reason I feel like she can sympathize with my depression when no one else can, that she has been to the final abyss of sadness, but this is a double-edged sword. The worst feeling I've ever had is when I look somber and she looks into my eyes. I have never seen a person more in pain when she looks at my face. I can't tell which hurts more, suffering from depression or seeing her face like that everyday.
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self.depression
|
What is the most easiest way to die according to you Don't worry this is just for a book I need ideas
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self.depression
|
Hurt and Rejection — What happens when you reject others? Usually people share their hurt feelings when someone hurts or rejects them or when they get their heart broken.
But, is it normal to feel miserable when you are actually the person rejecting the feelings of someone else?
I had a great conversation with a guy on a dating app and agreed on going on a date. The day came and he couldn’t make it so we decided to reschedule.
I was having a rough day and felt disappointed for not going on a date that night. I went home and, on a blind rage/sad mood, I deleted my account on the app and went to bed. The day after, the guy, who had my phone number, explained he felt really hurt for blocking him from the app. I explained to him I didn’t block him and decided to take a break and that still wanted to see him eventually . He felt bad and said I should had explained that to him without disappearing. He said to not contact him ever again.
I agree it was my fault for technically ghosting. Can’t help but feeling like an asshole for hurting the feelings of such a nice person. He seemed genuine and I made him feel bad.
Doesn’t matter to keep apologizing at this point. It seems like he blocked my number.
Dating is hard.
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self.offmychest
|
I want my mind to stop freaking out & making my life harder than what it really is I wouldn't normally get hung up on NYE resolutions but I wonder if my mental health led me to some of my life perceptions/thought processes or vice versa. True, I don't like my current life, but I hate any unpredictability or lack of promises.
For example living in hiding/trying to be left alone from the rest of my family, and my lack of stable finances limiting social/relationship possibilities (as I'm fighting for each dollar I own at my 2 casual jobs). Sure, I want to move out & won't freak out all the time. But yeah, money's an issue.
By the way, Side note: Social life is an issue but I'm wondering if the relationships I have with my parents have an impact on any other relationships I have - and I act noticeably different. But does status really matter? I do spent a fair bit of time applying to jobs, but I hate it when I get asked "What's news?" Nothing flash, moving on. And my patience is gone. I constantly feel like I'm racing the clock & not enjoying any free time I might have.
"You're seeing someone about this, right?"
Correct, but I'm considering a change of psychologists or at least a change of strategy. Do have a mental health plan but it's mostly been used for rants (and they're away for a bit right now). I mean the past few days I'm riding a wave where (for once) I'm feeling alright, but I want that wave to pick up again.
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self.offmychest
|
today? i'm pretty sure today is the day, hoping someone can give me a good reason not to because i don't want to go but it feels like my only choice. i've tried thinking of my family but it doesnt work anymore. its hard to live for someone else. please help me
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Three days on Abilify & Paxil... something feels right. Got a med change last week. I know it’s too early to feel any sort of major change, but I feel really fucking good. I’ve been productive and happy.
I’m nervous this is placebo or maybe I’m manic. Let’s hope not.
Anyone have experience with this combo?
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self.bipolar
|
Hopelessly infatuated I found a boy on the internet a few months ago.
At first I didn't think anything of him. Just another guy, doing his thing. Living his dream life and sharing his achievements on the Internet.
But the more I looked into him, the more infatuated I got. I wish I didn't.
We're the same age, both 20 years old. I've never felt this way and it's fucking stupid. I really don't want to be another one of those generic fangirls, because it's just a huge cringefest for me.
I'm sorry if I offend anyone with this but I just feel really uncomfortable when 12-13 year olds tweet and comment on 20+ year olds posts about how they want them to date them. I don't mean it in any offensive way, you do your thing. I just see it as a bit cringy.
But now me. A 20 year old. Is falling hopelessly for a boy who lives on the other side of the world, who has a rather large following (600k) on his social medias. He has done so much with his life, and he's just 20. Is loved by many girls. And then there's me. Plain Jane. Nothing special. Falling for a stupid social media personality.
I really hate myself because of this because I cringe myself out. But everything about him, his personality, his looks, his views on life, his ability to be positive, HIS LOVE FOR DOGS, his music taste, his love for exploring new places and going out of his comfort zone. It's just perfect.
I really want to DM him and stuff, but as a mature adult I know he most probably won't see my messages and to top it all off I feel fucking stupid messaging someone who doesn't even know me. I wouldn't even know what to say.
I'm sorry if you just read this and cringed the fuck out of this universe. I just needed to put this out there. Peace out, I'll go crawl into a hole now!
This all really goes against who I am as a person, honestly. I've never been one to be infatuated by some "celebrity" and never get how people go and comment and thirst over big people. Now I'm one of those people. Great!
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self.offmychest
|
I dont know what to do I made a new account because I don't want anyone I k know to find out how lost I am.
Pre edit TLDR: I just want to make the people who care about me be proud of me. It rips my heart apart watching my mom and dad have to talk to people about how I'm doing when there isn't anything ood to say
This might be long but I'm so lost trying to give as much context as possible.
I don't know know where to start summary of pre college me is that I was a typical straight edge kid in high school who didn't even toutch alcohol on senior prom night. Get to college and do ok until I find out that the Adderall I've been getting for my ADD is the shit to have. It was great for the two smemesters I got stellar grades, but eventually one of the friends made thanks to the new Adderall habit introduced me to coke and opiates. The next two years were a struggle of a downward spiral that led to multiple abysmal academic semesters which led to me getting a lengthy suspension from school.
Leading up to the official suspension (I knew it was coming because I hadn't been to class in weeks) I called a few hospitals for help about my drug abuse, sucicidal ideations, and isolation. Luckily I found a place that would take meright away. While I was at this care facility, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder as well as having the add diagnosis reaffirmed. However,.due to my drug history (now clean except some weed these days) I was highly advised that I never take meds for my add again.
Fast forward to this year and now I'm 25 looking to go back to school. Since getting suspended and getting help, i haven't done too much other than work a few jobs for months at a time. Things were slow for a while,. But they were stable and healthy which is good for someone like me.
A few months ago I decided that I was finally ready to begin my last three semesters in the spring of 2018. I felt that I had learned enough about myself and matured beyond the means of my younger self.
To prep, I. Signed up for some community college online classes. Should be easy right. I. CANT. DO. SHIT. This is the first time in about 10 years I've been in school without medication. And it's just shitty because I know I need medication to function but I know getting it will result in me abusing it and getting back into more drugs.
I have so little confidence right now in my future. Even if i manage to finish off my degree, the anxiety of rejection and failure makes me so pessimistic Because I had to withdraw from multiple semesters, my transcript and gpa look like a Trainwreck and I'm convinced that once I'm done with school it will all be for naught and nobody will want me because of my shitty past.
What really gets to me out of all of this is that even after screwing up so many times my family still loves me. It rips my heart to shreds when i see Mom reading books about depression or going to the local bipolar supper group, or the look on my dad's face as he tries to defend my lackluster career to my grandparents.
All I really want in life is to make the people who i love, proud to love me back. The last 8 years of my life have been so Rocky and these people have always been there for me, but I am so afraid of the future and how my future failures will affect those closest to me.
Sorry if this is a rant, I know nobody will read it and it probably will seem like I'm weak, but I needed to write this down somewheres. I met up with a few old friends from school and had a few drinks(which I normally don't do) and listening to their plans for future really scarred me because I have no confidence that my future is going to be a good one.
Someone please tell me it's ok, all I really want is to make my loved ones proud.
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self.offmychest
|
I'm proud of being a shitty person Despite everything: the DPDR the anxiety the self doubt the dysfunctional and non existent relationships with my parents I'm proud to be human to try and try and fail and try again. I'm proud that despite sometimes I forget it, I have friends who love me and I love them too. Whoever you are and however hard it gets, keep trying, you are beautiful.
- Sry a bit of a rant but I needed to vent after days of constant tension
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self.Anxiety
|
Has anyone's severe emetophobia/agoraphobia been helped by seeing a psychologist? I've had a fear of vomiting for as long as I can remember, but it wasn't as severe as it was until a few weeks ago. It's now gotten to the point where I fear being a passenger in a car, not because I get carsick (I don't) but because I might need to throw up and I'll have to make them pull over and that'd be embarrassing. I also fear throwing up in public and embarrassing myself. I'm not eating as much either as I have no appetite and I also seem to have a fear of overeating. I also have gotten to the point where I fear having panic attacks because I've actually panicked so much that I have been sick, and my gag reflex has become so strong that even a brief thought about throwing up or even eating food if I'm not feeling up to it makes me want to gag. It's pretty much ruining my life. I'm waiting to see a psychologist (its all through the public health system so I have to wait a few weeks) but I'm worried it won't work.
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self.Anxiety
|
I can drive again! About six months ago my old car broke down, and ever since then I've had to rely on family and public transportation to get around. Then my sister bought a new car and gave me her old one that just needed a starter. A friend loaned me the money for a starter, and now I'm back on the road!
I've just been sitting around the house and feeling trapped for the past six months, and now I can get out and see friends or go to a movie or something. I can take myself to doctor and therapist appointments and go to the pharmacy too so I'll feel less helpless. This has been a real mood booster for me.
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self.bipolar
|
I'm fucking over this. i cant wait to get out of this house. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Depression I usually have a couple of bad days a month (on a lot of meds), usually I have crying spells, overwhelming sense of dread, I hate myself and think I’m a horrible person who’s always and always will fuck up everything good in their life. Then it goes away pretty quickly.
The depression I’m experiencing has been a slow onset over a few weeks, but has been really bad. My boyfriend says I’ve been fucked since New Years, idk know if I believe that, maybe. I feel so god awful alone. I haven’t felt this alone in such a long time, and my boyfriend just took me to pick out my engagement ring. My boyfriend doesn’t “get” this sort of stuff and doesn’t even try, but I’ve isolated myself so badly he’s all I’ve got to talk to (I’m convinced no one else cares, and I’m convinced he doesn’t want to put up with my shit anyways). He gets very mad. I usually have to beg him to listen, then when he finally does, he’ll say things like “don’t do that” “just do what you have to do”. I try to talk to him but he says all I do is tell him what he does wrong, which in my opinion isn’t accurate, my only gripe with our relationship has been communication and always has been. We’re bad at it together.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this. Everything is such a fucking chore. I hate going to university (I’m in my mid twenties) because I feel so alone. Like those movie scenes where the person is standing still, but there are thousands of people moving around them very quickly. Like I know I don’t have anything in common with the kids at school, but since the depression has onset it’s only magnified how utterly alone I feel.
I can’t let go of the feeling that I fuck everything up. I have to beg my boyfriend to listen to me and that’s always a fight. I’ve missed assignments in school and I feel like I’m trashing it (really though, nothing major, not in danger of failing). I’m just a piece of shit, the same piece of shit I’ve always been. I ruin every good thing I touch.
I wish I didn’t care that I had to beg him to care about me sometimes, I think he is just more aloof than I am at any given time. I wish I could care less.
I don’t know. I’ve been in tears all night and am having a horrible horrible time. I have homework to do, but I’d love to just take my medicine and knock out.
I hate everything right now.
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self.bipolar
|
I wish my family stopped loving me If nobody cared about me I could final kill mysefl without hurting others
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self.depression
|
Need Advice for a newbie First time visiting this sub and it’s cause I need help! I’ve had panic attacks for 20 years and am able to calm down after taking Klonopin. Within the last week after taking it, my mind isn’t racing but my chest feels like there’s a brick on it. Normally my Meds would relax me mind and body, I’m in new territory and freaking out. Any help/advice will be greatly appreciated.
Thank you
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self.Anxiety
|
Lived through five attempts so far, debating on a sixth. I'm a total waste of space that saps the life from everyone around me. I hallucinate, experience delusions, have horrific anxiety, and have focus issues. I almost never leave the house, live a pathetic existence off of SSI/disability, and am a drain on my family. They'd never tell me that, but I most certainly am exhausting to deal with. My friends can't help me, all they ever want to say is "Oh, be positive. You're a great guy."
I'm 28 and I've only been in one relationship. The odds of a schizophrenic male getting married after onset are something like 30% the last I looked. "Oh, there's someone out there for everyone, just keep your chin up." This is the real world and we all know that's not true. Nobody wants a 28 year old schizophrenic with crazy baggage who can't work and has no useful skills.
This world is unimaginably cruel, and I'm getting sick of it again. I don't like the thought of being alive right now and would much prefer the cold grip of oblivion. Maybe I'm just a failure at suicide too, maybe that's why I can't get one to stick. I'd rather die before I get tossed out onto the street when my mother dies. My brother doesn't have the job or the funds to keep me afloat. I'd bankrupt him. Disability doesn't pay shit, and the only reason I'm grateful I have it is for Medicaid. My life before medication was literal torture, and I'd rather not return to that again.
I'm just running out of reasons to live again.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Mood tracker other than daylio? Are there others that people here would recommend? I like daylio so far but I just wish it had more moods to choose from, or a way to customize the moods the same way you can add activities in daylio
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self.bipolar
|
What do you say to people when they ask if there’s anything they can do for you? I always just want to say that there’s nothing they can do. It’s all on me. But maybe that’s the wrong thing to say...
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self.depression
|
I don’t hate my life, I just hate myself I don’t have a bad life (which makes me feel guilty for even posting this)- I’m in college, middle class, in good health besides severe anxiety. But I’m basically ruining my own life. I used to be a star student, overachiever. Now I do the bare minimum...all I can bring myself to do is watch YouTube videos and scroll through social media mindlessly because everything is so overwhelming. I’m about to graduate and I’ve done nothing. At the same time I have impossible expectations for myself and really want to succeed, but I don’t think I’ll ever be the outgoing, smart, attractive, successful person I want to be. I’m just disappointing everyone, especially myself.
I don’t have many friends and I feel so alone. My social anxiety makes it extremely difficult to even talk to people. I’m already seeing my 6th therapist and I’m on medication, nothing works. I just hate myself so much and I want to give up.
Sometimes I wish I’d killed myself in high school like I had planned to. Because now I wish I could, but it feels like I’m in too deep and it would be a bigger inconvenience for everyone. If I could kill myself without it impacting my family I’d do it in a heartbeat. I don’t think I’m ever going to get better or become someone I’m not ashamed of.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
a kind of poem for a kind of an attempt at a kind of romance gone by Bubbling inside, tumultuous-
imagine that instead of toys you gave your kids cymbals, and on top of it they were avid bed-jumpers
it's over and it's unfair.
it was always going to be those things
I hope I see you some time.
-----------------------------------
it's clear I have nothing more to give in this form
I can't spend a lifetime lifting my hat
we need to rest, hat and me both.
But it doesn't seem you do.
-----------------------------------
I couldn't be more thankful that I have somthing to take from you
I owe you for this chance to disappoint you.
I don't want to get cocky-
I hurt yesterday too,
and will tomorrow.
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self.bipolar
|
Hate being touched when upset, hate therapists/people who cry at my story.. [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
I’ve been getting rejected from clinical year programs I applied to, and I’m afraid I’m not going to have a plan for after I graduate. I’m planning on going into medical lab science and becoming a med tech. Basically if you don’t know what that is, it’s the diagnostic side of medicine. They’re the people that will text your blood and urine and other body fluids for disease and report back to the doctor.
I applied to five different clinical programs and heard three no’s so far and I’m trying not to completely panic. I need one of these programs in order to take the board exams to get certified so I can get a job in a hospital like I want, and it’s not looking good for the other two programs at this point.
This has been my plan for over a year and I don’t know what I’m going to do if I don’t get into ANY of them. I’m going to have to get a shitty job and then reapply next year, and that just makes me sad to think about. At least I’ll have a degree after graduation...
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self.Anxiety
|
I miss my estranged dad. We're estranged for a reason. I'll leave it at that.
Maybe I should try to reach out to him before he goes, even though I'm only going to get my heart broken again.
I miss you, dad. It would hurt a lot less if I didn't.
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self.offmychest
|
I need to kill myself cuz it's the only true solution for my loneliness Sorry, I'm just fuckin sick of spending my life alone. I won't actually kill myself because I got fuckedd as an only child so I can't end my miserabke existence so long as my parents are kicking. But boy do I fucking want to. One reason why is because I will be alone for fucking ever. I will never have a girlfriend, from now until I die. I just got too fucked, I'm lonely, and the only way to get a girlfriend is to be perfect and happy and not lonely. I wish I had the balls to fucking not give a shit and end my life
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I feel like I'm slipping I've been having problems with anxiety and panic attacks since high school. I went to therapy and got on Zoloft and, for a while, I've been managing pretty well. Recently, I feel like I'm slipping back into my old ways. Today was the first day of class this semester, and I had to leave my first class to take an Ativan to calm down, the first time in a while I've needed one. I feel lost. I'm so disappointed in myself; I thought I was past this, but it's just coming back in a different form. I don't think I can take a repeat of what I went through all those years ago. I just needed to vent but any advice is appreciated.
EDIT: Thanks everyone for the love! It blows my mind how supportive this community is and I appreciate the fuck out of it.
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self.Anxiety
|
Anyone else Freaking out about returning to work tomorrow? I took off from work from xmas through new year's. I work as a contractor, so I didn't get paid, which was a dumb move financially but I desperately needed the time off to recover from bad work anxiety. The vacation ended up being great: very peaceful, lots of mental space. I feel so much healthier.
I have to return to work tomorrow. It's a remote gig. I don't feel invested in it at all, and it's full of gross techie types who have no regard for other people's feelings or experiences. (I'm a techie myself.) It pays the bills, but at the end of every day, I feel wiped out and like I just lost another day of my existence to something completely meaningless.
I'm dreading tomorrow. I know I should be looking for other jobs, or maybe even other types of jobs. I need to figure out a more sustainable work arrangement in 2018 or I'm going to lose my mind. But it's a scary job market out there, even for tech people, believe it or not.
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self.Anxiety
|
Everything feels like endless work. Like right now, I just got up. I need to feed my pets, clean the litter box, brush my teeth, start some laundry, and eat something. It feels like too much. I'm so anxious right now, and I just want to go back to bed and shut down. I don't care about today. I don't want it.
But if I get it all done, I'll probably feel okay. That's not the case every day, but today I feel like I could get to a good place if I try.
But then what? Tomorrow starts the same way. Too much to do. Everything's too hard and I feel sh!tty. Until I get some things done and the weight is lifted.
Heck, even two hours from now I'll be in the same boat. There's always stuff to do. I need to clean the house, make some phone calls, shovel snow, get dressed, eat again. It never stops.
And sometimes I can feel good when I've gotten somewhat on top of things, but what's the point? It's like an endless wild goose chase. Shouldn't I be able to just feel good, regardless of the conditions around me or what's on my to-do list?
Also, this is just basic stuff. I don't have any kids, relationships to manage, projects or hobbies, and only about 20 hours of work a week. I'm just trying to keep myself and my animals from starving or dying from poverty, filth, or negligence. And it's so hard.
I'm going to go do that list of morning stuff, because at least it'll keep things from getting worse. But I just wish it didn't feel so futile.
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self.depression
|
has anyone experienced only one episode of mania in their life? or a long time between their first episode and the next? Last September (a year+3 months ago), I experienced my first and only episode of mania that I've had in my life. It was the most intense thing that's ever happened to me- a full blown episode where I felt fully spiritually enlightened, delusional, paranoid, the whole 9 yards. However, I sort of came back to normal while I was on lithium, but after a few days of taking it before it reached a therapeutic level (although I was hospitalized and had to drop out of college for the semester). The whole thing probably lasted about a month (with about a week of me experiencing psychosis).
The year prior, I had been experimenting with drugs like LSD, molly, and shrooms (although I had not taken them for months leading up the episode). I was also smoking weed every day in the weeks leading up to the episode. Since the episode, I've cut down a lot on the drugs and weed smoking and I've been relatively stable. I have not been taking any meds the past year. Although I'm always a little on edge, waiting for the next episode, part of me wonders... was the whole thing just a product of my drug use?
I've sort of made peace with the fact that I can't know either way with 100% certainty. I get regular checkups just to be safe. But I was wondering... Has anyone else had only one manic episode, and then a long period of time until their next one? Or maybe one, and then no episodes again after that? I'm just curious to see if anyone else has had a similar experience to mine.
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self.bipolar
|
I thought I was going to die last night but i didn’t
i’m thankful for myself, for snapping out of the violence
my mind body and soul hurt
i need a break
to another year of living
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self.offmychest
|
My life is better than ever... so why did I wake up this morning feeling depressed? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
How To Cope with Time Anxiety? Hi all, I hope you all are doing well.
By "Time Anxiety" I'm referring to something related to this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/comments/2sr176/does_anyone_else_have_time_anxiety/
During the weekdays, I work and go to school and usually have two hours in the evening for free time which I feel like I "deserve" and am able to sometimes enjoy by watching tv while I eat (that's a whole other issue though, struggling with depression in general). However, during the weekends when I don't work, if I don't have a lot of homework or studying to do I get incredibly anxious with all the free time I have and constantly try to be "productive" by doing anything from cleaning, exercising, learning Spanish (even though I don't really want to and it has nothing to do with my career field of software engineering), etc. I always feel guilty for having that free time and can't ever enjoy it. I guess another way of putting it is I get anxious if I'm not being "productive" all the time even though I know free time isn't wasted time if you enjoy it. And I know I'm working and going to school in order to have money and live for things like hobbies so I can enjoy free time but I can't bring myself to enjoy things I used to like reading, playing video games, etc.
Does anyone else feel this way and has anyone found a way to cope with it? I'm sorry for ranting but thank you all for your time, it feels good to get it off my chest.
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self.Anxiety
|
I feel like my only friends are the Youtubers I watch every day And they're clearly not actually my friends... they just make me feel like friends are around, I like seeing familiar faces and hearing familiar voices joking around because that's the only time I get to experience that. How pathetic.
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self.depression
|
I started Writing. These past couple of weeks have been the worst for my mental health in waking memory. I've been the most paranoid I've ever been and I was so anxious last night that I couldn't sleep until 4:30 AM and I threw up as soon as I woke up.
A friend reminded me today of a story I wrote a few years ago that had to deal with my depression and letting go of a friend who had died. I decided that since I've felt so trapped by my anxiety that I should write about it.
I just finished the first draft where I use a roller coaster as an allegory for my anxiety, and I honestly feel a great weight lifted after writing that all out.
I would highly suggest you start writing, no one even ever has to see it, it just helps to put it down somewhere. If anyone wants I'll send you either story I mentioned.
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self.Anxiety
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My childhood molester might be downstairs i dont know to do im just......:'(
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self.SuicideWatch
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I snooped through messages on my girlfriend's Snapchat account. I'm disappointed in myself. I always said I'd never be that kind of person. We're in a long distance relationship at the moment while she's at university and I'm working at home. So I like to be able to text her everyday and it lets me know she's still interested.
Except she's stopped texting me a lot now. Millions of excuses, my phone died or the internet cut out, or I lost my phone. I'd rather she just admitted she didn't want to talk to me.
Whenever I'm with her she's always on her phone and can't put it down. But when we're apart she never replied to me.
So I did something stupid and checked the messages between her friends and read a few things I wish I didn't.
I hope everyone else's day is going better than mine.
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self.offmychest
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Funny how my depression makes me stay up all night when all I want to do is sleep It's this awful cycle lately. Staying up until 3, 4 in the morning (more recently 6, 7), then sleeping until noon before getting up and going straight to work. All I want to do all day is get back to bed, then when I'm finally home and in bed, tired, I can't seem to sleep. Instead I'm trying to find something to make me happy, in TV or on the internet or in a book.
So here I am, at 6am, and I have a long day ahead of me that I can't imagine waking up and facing in less than an hour. This is awful, why do I do this to myself? Anyone else have similar habits?
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self.depression
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This is me, not killing a bird. I'm in my yard, trying to work on my car... one of my close neighbors, who happen to be bat-shit crazy and completely unapproachable, have a bird. I've never seen it, no idea what kind it is, but it whistles all fuckin' day long... a screech whistle, that is a mimic of the whistle people use to try to get someone's attention.
It's driving me up a wall... and I know there's no diplomatic way to get them to shut it up, take it inside etc...
All I can do is either deal with it or otherwise make a giant stink in the 'hood that has the potential to haunt, not just me but the rest of my family as well.
Shitty rednecks man... they're the worst.
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self.offmychest
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Fear of not being good enough Episode 3: Your emotional imprint
Sometimes our attempts to get others’ love aren’t successful for different reasons. One of the very common is missing the skill of effective communication with those you seek their love. When one of our relationships isn’t working and we’re in such a bad need for the love we used to get from this relationship, we might associate pain to seeking this kind of relationship. We might even take a step further to associating pain to seeking love in general.
In this case we indulge ourselves in an unhealthy emotion that we use as an alternative for the love that we can’t get from others. This emotion may vary from a person to another depending on the person’s core values and most essential need s/he tries to satisfy.
For example, a person attempts to have a relationship, s/he tries for a couple of times but things don’t work out. This person then might form a belief that s/he doesn’t have what it takes to be in a happy loving relationship.
Before long this person gets depressed as the future sounds so lonely and depressing like the present. Depression becomes the new channel to get love and connection with oneself (and possibly from others). This depression cycle could take the form of one or two repeated emotional patterns. Usually anger and sadness are very common because each of them satisfy a certain human need.
The important point here for you here is to find out what’s your emotional imprint that you use when you’re afraid and not getting the love you need from others or from yourself in a healthy way.
The next step is to find out what triggers this emotional imprint and puts it to work.
For me I knew that my depression, which shaped in cycles of anger and sadness was triggered mainly by comparison. I used to try to be as good as others in an area that I wasn’t genuinely interested in. But when I wasn’t that successful, I fell into the trap of feeling ‘not good enough’ to be loved.
Then I used my depression to stay connected with myself because I was too embarrassed to admit to others that I’m not good enough. I also used my depression to hide my fear and vulnerability to look strong infant of others.
So my invitation to you is to spend some time exploring and finding out what your emotional imprint is because this is your first step towards stepping out of the ‘not enough’ game.
The next post will cover how you could breakthrough the fear of not being good enough.
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self.Anxiety
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I've got a problem I've got a friend, I've known this guy for ages but only really became friends with him in the last year or so. He's got adhd and it really effects him, from what I know he's developed forms of both depression and anxiety. So the last few months he felt like he's lost alot of friends, he feels like people are pittying him and only hang around him so he doesn't do something stupid. My problem is I really care about this guy but my own problems stops me from helping him fully. I never feel like going out or hanging out with anyone. I can talk to him about his problems but after a point I can't help him very much. I don't want to be a person that pittys him because I feel like some people do that with me and its shit.
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self.depression
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Panic attacks brought on by going away for school [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Sad. Drunk. Alone. And eating Doritos. And also listening to Philip Glass.
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self.offmychest
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Life is good, yet I want to die. Is there others out there like me. Who deal with the kind of depression that's not affected by your surroundings or circumstances? My life is actually really good. I'm close with my family, i have a lot of friends, i could have a boyfriend if i really wanted to, i have a pretty good job and a nice apartment and enough money. Yet I want to die. I've done a lot of cool stuff in my life, but I keep coming back to the thought of taking my life. I've had depression for 15years now, anxiety for a few and i dealt with depersonalisation for over a year. I'm good at life, i make the most out of it. No one would ever guess the fight I'm going through in my mind if I didn't tell them. What now? I want the suicidal thoughts to end and enjoy this amazing life actually.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I only have one enemy. It doesn't matter if things change if I'm still the same. It's not like you guys, where heaven and hell are out to fuck you over. I don't have any enemies except myself. Literally nobody hates me except myself.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Someone else feel like this? I hate this, why do i keep feeling so lonely even when i have people around me, today i found one friend from my old college and she hugged and talked with me a little bit, i don’t know why but i felt so fucking emotional after that, i wanted to just lay down and cry, i was feeling like there was no one for me, that i was alone in a dark hall and no matter where i went there was no one, i know this sounds idiotic because i know damn well that i have people that care about me, i have my friends few as they may be but i have, there is my family in special my mom, i know she loves me way too much for her own good, and well i kinda like myself but not really, i know i’m a nice person whatever meaning of nice you pick, is just that, i don’t know how to describe sometimes i just want to be alone, but then there is moments that i feel so exhausted whenever i have to talk with anybody, i feel like i’m being a bother to them for even trying to speak with them, again like i said this is probably just me being pessimistic or overthinking but god i just don’t want to feel this way, i don’t want to feel like i have no meaning, i don’t want to feel like i’m all alone, i hate this, i really do, i’m trying to fight this but sometimes it seems so pointless.
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self.depression
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Blabber a bit. I'm in a weird spot. In fact most of my life I've been in a weird spot. I keep trying, you know. Just really tired of trying.
I keep thinking that I want to die but tbh I'm not going to kill myself. To scared. To intense.
Life still sucks a lot though. I've been getting help. It's been making things worse. Between all the medications and stuff. I'm so tired of mediocrity. I enlisted in the Army in hopes it would change me four years ago. It's been four years, a combat deployment, and I'm still a pushover. I'm getting out soon. Not looking forward to it. Definitely wouldn't be able to stay in the Army either. Either side looks like sandpaper.
It's hard to talk to people. It's so hard to find any type of romance. I keep stepping out of my boundaries, and even since I stepped out on my journey many years ago to become comfortable outside of my respective place I still become scared beyond ability to think.
I don't even know what I want to do anymore, everything just looks like a lot of WORK. Nothing looks simple at all. I'm going to school for wildlife biology and I know college will be such a crushing weight. Between the workload and the social aspect. I'm still going hoping for a fluke that will change me for the better, that a gear will get caught and spin, I guess.
But I'm so burnt out from trying. It's like I live my life in an anxious auto pilot.
I hate to be overly dramatic but I just feel so restless. I got picked on a lot in school. I can't do drugs anymore, after four years LSD just doesn't agree with me. Weed used to give me panic attacks. I'm missing something to be able to digest alcohol. It's like I just have to sit on the sidelines, watching everyone else have a great time. Getting pushed around and made fun of.
I'm pretty fit, and I really don't look to bad. I do have amazing women that approach me but I always fuck it up with my anxious/needy posture and an inability to read social cues.
I just wanted to get that off my chest. I'm really excited to meet this girl I met online, I'm really hoping that day I don't wake up with the endless many trains of thought going through my head, and I can hang loose. Then I hope it'll turn into another date, and I'll be myself then too. It's so much to ask for, after 25 years of the same pattern. I keep trying though.
I've been making sure I don't double text, give space. Not over analyze anything I say. IMO she'll blow me off. I guess if it wasn't for hope, I would've killed myself already. I just really hope I don't end up being 40 with these problems still. I've seen people like that. It's depressing.
Just really tiring.
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self.depression
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I had the calmest suicide attempt last night I wasn't really depressed. I was pretty normal for a person as dead as I am. And I asked myself what I wanted to do for the rest of the night. Or the week. And I decided to try and hang myself. I tried for maybe a hour or 2. Wasn't doing it right and got pretty sad. Sat there for 10 minutes on the floor with my make-shift noose.
I told myself I wanted to see my friends one last time this Friday. To get drunk one last time. My mood slightly improved I guess after failing odly enough but my reason didn't change. In fact I told myself I'd just sit through the pain of a half-assed attempt
Waking up today I'm not sure what to do. Nothing works any more. I don't exist anymore. I have no reason not to do it i just usually don't feel like it. I was supposed to have died months ago
Psychwards don't work, therapy doesn't work, medication ruined my life. I can't really find happiness. So tired
Feels like everything is just a distraction. Sometimes I indulge in it. Sometimes I get really tired of it. Right now I'm so tired I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore
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self.SuicideWatch
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Whats the easiest and most painless way to kill yourself (and easily affordable too) [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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New to the sub Hello All,
I got pointed to this sub when I was mentioning a my diagnosis and would appreciate any "newbie" info. I'm a little fortunate as I have a really good routine currently but now, as it is diagnosed and not just "likely" I need to start that whole due diligence bit. Things like: How does this affect work? Is this something that affects insurance? Do I need to have the diagnosis made "known" in any way? Are there considerations for aging with bipolar?
I'm not afraid of the diagnosis, just need to be aware of the things that come along with it (aside from being bipolar itself). Of course I am also working with my therapist as well, but the more information the better.
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self.bipolar
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Fuck all the bullshit in my life. I think everything is irrelevant. Fuck friends. Fuck relationships. For once I think this life is worth living but I guess it’s not. But sometimes it is. Everyone is hypocrite. But one thing is for sure no one deserves to die alone. Im fucking drunk. Im spitting non-sense. Just random shit that goes off my mind. If you are reading this fuck you! Im sorry. I don’t mean that. But fuck you! Let me curse you once in this lifetime. Okay? When I wake up tomorrow I know I’ll regret this but who cares. Fuck you! I just want to get drunk and pass out. But my tolerance is too high. Idk. If you read this all the way here I love you. Don’t forget that. We should not cling into our bad decisions, but we also shouldn’t forget what we did. You are not alone and I guess I’m not. But fuck you. 🙂
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self.offmychest
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Do I hate people or just the ones I'm surrounded by? [deleted]
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self.depression
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my last relationship sucked I'm a recent graduate of college and im having trouble getting over my last relationship. Basically, after I fell for this girl, she broke my heart, put it back together, broke it again, put it back to together, and then broke it and dragged it around the floor for a couple months. ugh dis is so dumb
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self.offmychest
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I Love My Family But I Can't Stand Them! I'm incredibly irritable right now. No noticeable triggers for this, I just want to be alone.
I'm soo strung out from these constant conversations and expectations, and we've only received a portion of the family to come.
I've tried everything to calm me down. I can't stop thinking about Xanax, and it scares me. Hopefully I don't give in..
Anyway, don't know why I'm making this, but good luck to anyone in the same position. Merry Christmas!!
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self.Anxiety
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I'm sitting here with my heart racing. Everybody tells me that we are doing great and I have good future in store, but I feel like there's this long dark tunnel with no light at the end in front of me. I just want to stop worrying and struggling to keep ahead of the game. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep until everything goes away. I feel like I'm letting everybody down but I don't want to keep on going like this anymore
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self.depression
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What does it say about our community that the front page is nothing but selfies and memes while serious attempts at starting discussions get ignored? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Scared of change I have noticed that whenever I think of doing something new, I feel like flinching or i actually flinch. This nervous feeling lasts for about a second or two, but it's happening every time and I am a bit concerned. Literally, I would try to change text editors and get anxious about it. I feel weird when I change positions sitting, and get scared or nervous about almost everything. I feel nervous talking to people and get tension headaches. When something changes it almost is like a wave of energy passes through my brain. It's hard to explain. I'm not sure if I have anxiety.
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self.Anxiety
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That moment when.... You get that pit in your stomach and you know the attack is coming so you try to identify the trigger but you end up not being ablr to figure it out which just makes the attack come faster and then you freak out because you're having an attack and you just lose to the anxiety.
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self.Anxiety
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I turn 20 next Friday and I feel more alone than ever. I turn 20 on November 10th and I getting more and more depressed as it gets closer to my birthday. I have no friends, no boyfriend, I have no job so I can't do anything for my birthday. All I do is go to college and honestly, I'm having second thoughts about that. I tried to commit suicide a couple of months back and I wish I could've gone through it successfully. I feel like no one is going to care about my birthday and it's hurting me really bad. I need help.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Should I push to be medicated? I've been diagnosed with anxiety but since I'm 16 the doctor is reluctant to prescribe medication. I didn't mind at first and I thought of meds as a last resort but I have tried everything and I can't live like this for much longer. Counselling does nothing for me, it gives me little to no help and I find it hard to meditate and keep myself busy like the doctor recommended. I have ADD and I'm on medication for it but the medication worsens my anxiety but it is the only thing that motivates me to do work and without my ADD medication I'm anxious AND depressed. My doctor said I should get my dosage lowered but I personally think it's more important to treat my anxiety, I had no problems before with my meds until I developed anxiety and I think anxiety medication is the only way to help with the frequent panic attacks and constant sense of dread. How do I get my doctor to prescribe medication to treat my anxiety?
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self.Anxiety
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Trust issues and anxiety are starting to get the best of me. I can't remember the last time I went a full day without feeling some sort of anxiety. I am constantly thinking myself into inadequacy, "I am not good enough for her", "Not good enough for that job", "my friends are better off without me". I generally just think I am replaceable by everyone I am close too (they are not actively doing anything to make me feel this way). This also comes into effect in dating. I question woman that like me and I always feel like they are going to leave me, cheat on me or find someone better at the drop of a hat. By all accounts, from what I have been told, I am a pretty all around decent person. So it is just frustrating that I don't share the same opinion of myself that others might. I believe this all stems from a hectic 4 year relationship that was very mentally abusive. I was taken advantage of, cheated on, gas-lit, and made to not trust myself or the person I was with. I want to shake these feelings. I want to trust people again and I want to like myself more often.
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self.depression
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writing it down, trying to figure it out What am I doing? Writing to help sort things out, writing to get some opinions. A mind left to itself is a dangerous thing and I've been alone for far too long.
My background:
We were pretty poor growing up, income came from one parent in a family of 5 and it was roughly 28k a year. One parent was mentally ill, as was a sibling. The other parent blamed the mentally ill parent for "passing" on the sickness to my sibling and as a result we grew up in an extremely abusive environment, where day in and day out you'd experience how one person could be so hurtful and hateful towards their spouse. Besides the emotional and verbal abuse, the mentally ill sibling (oldest of the bunch who outweighed us by over 100 lbs) was violent and physically abusive towards me. Walking around that place I would experience the emotional torture of having to witness what one parent would say and how they would act to the other who was essentially helpless. Then if I turned the corner and saw my older sibling there I’d be anxious and fearful, was I going to get the shit beat out of me for no reason today?
How I’ve gotten to where I am today I don’t know though probably it’s my stubbornness. Often I think: “what am I doing I’ve got X, Y, Z against me might as well give up” and then there’s that feeling that ignites anger, I say to myself fuck that, fuck my past, and fuck anyone who would stand in my way - I will live life on my term and I will earn what I desire and that last’s maybe a few hours maybe a day before depression sets back in.
That one parent has passed away now, may she rest in piece. She deserved better, she was a prisoner of her own mind, and a victim of her own family. I’m truly sorry and hope you can forgive me. It seems the other parent is near his end but to be honest I’m not at all sure. There’s so much hate in me towards him, how could he be so short sighted? How could he not see that you can’t leave two kids alone in a place like that. How could he not see that it wasn’t her fault, or what he was doing to us psychologically?
I wonder if I’m forever ruined because of my experiences. I try I really do, I have a career, I exercise, my supervisors praise my productivity at work, but when it comes down to making a connection with other people I’m hopeless. Is this just who I am, or is this a result of my upbringing? It’s a strange thing you know, feeling like you can’t connect with people so as a result you act in a way that gives others a reason to not want to be around you and the cycle goes on.
OK, I don’t want to go on forever, and my mind is hopping around incoherently I’m just going to stop here.
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self.depression
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Today was a weird day I’m about two and a half months in to studying psychology at A - level. It’s been pretty good so far, learning about how people are influenced and all that hind stuff except today we started a new topic. Mental health. It was going okay until we started looking at depression. We looked at the NHS symptoms list which I’ve seen so many times before ( I’m not currently actually diagnosed with depression however I am going through the process and there’s like a 99% chance I do). Looking at that list didn’t bother me, it’s nothin new. But when we started looking at thought process of depressed people I became concerned as the thoughts I believed to be normal were being explained to me as concerning and abnormal. We started looking at odd behaviors that can occur from depression like lack of concentration etc
Has anyone else had any odd experiences like this. I’ve spent the rest of the day feeling completely numb to everything. It’s odd
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self.depression
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I am a goddamn moron in school and i hate myself for it. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I don't feel any better after being admitted into the psychiatry ward I got forcibly admitted after attempting suicide. Didn't spend too long there, but when I was there, I was ready to get out into the real world. Now that I am out, I instantly feel exhausted.
I managed to convince the doctors that I am now ready to get back to my life, but I feel that I've made a mistake.
The feeling of wanting to shrivel up and die is still there because I'm not really interested in being alive now, I don't want to participate, I still wish I'd done better at trying to disappear.
I could still get back to the doctors tomorrow and talk about this because no one else would understand. I could be admitted back, but I don't want to because I am tired of the patients that smell like piss.
People have been trying to be there for me, I just want them to stop because I feel suffocated. I am genuinely just exhausted and scared that I think it's better to disappear.
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self.depression
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Not sure if this is bipolar related but I want to ask! Do any of you feel like you're going to die all the time? Like you just have anxiety about something being wrong with you?
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self.bipolar
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Why do I let anxiety control me? What I don’t understand is the fact that one day I was happy and a silly kind of person and in one day my life turned to constant fear. It’s like even when I’m happy and try to change do something that would help I can’t because I’m to scared of what people think. Like taking my meds I wanna take them but people say I’m different and I wanna make them happy so I worry. I could chose to make a different choice why am I so afraid to just try and fix everything about me?
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self.Anxiety
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Does it ever actually get better? Or do we all just learn to cope? I'm in a really depressed state right now, and I need some hope. I'm not feeling suicidal, but I am questioning if there is any point to my existence. I'm in the dark more than anything else and I can't seem to find any light. I have things in my life that should make me happy, but lately I can't feel anything at all. I'm not currently on meds, and it's not for a lack of want, I just have no insurance, no place to start, and no support. I have no friends, no one to reach out to, nothing. I'm doubting that there is any hope left for me, and this is the only place I could think to turn to. Someone, please, tell me this whole life thing is worth it.
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self.bipolar
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my ex blocked me on FB. I am both happy and sad. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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What medication has worked for you? newly diagnosed with bP2 I've had major depression for about 2 years now, and recently, my therapist re-diagnosed me with bipolar 2. she thinks it's rapid-cycling, acute bipolar with hypomania episodes and more frequent depressive episodes.
i've tried several antidepressants. Paxil, Cymbalta, Pristiq, Wellbutrin, and Buspar. They've all done nothing for me. I'm unfamiliar with bipolar 2 medications, so I'd like to get a general idea on what works best for what.
I have frequent depressive episodes, to where I'm so low and attempt suicide, but a few days later I'll be happy and super impulsive. Not mania, but rapid mood swings and change in behavior.
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self.bipolar
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Is It safe to take ibuprofen while taking Citalopram? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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This relationship is stressing me out. Can someone give me some words to calm me down and think logically? I have been dating this guy for only a month now. I have been so stressed because I really like him. We are a great match. However, he has a very busy job and won't/can't respond to a text for at least 24 hours. It drives me BONKERS and sets off my anxiety thinking he is no longer interested and the fact that it is disrespectful that he can't take 10 seconds out of his day to acknowledge my text. I don't even blow up his phone with texts. I text him like every 2 days.
He eventually responds. I am stressing myself out and now I have a cyst forming on my chin from the stress, which is ridiculous and dramatic.
I keep telling myself to calm down and be "cool", but it cycles.
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self.offmychest
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Growing up Mormon with undiagnosed bipolar (TW: Religion, psychosis) TW: Frank discussion of childhood psychotic break. Religion. Satan.
Originally posted this on /r/exmormon, but felt it belongs here as well.
--------------------
I was recently diagnosed with bipolar type 2. It really shouldn't be that much of a surprise, considering my sister is also BP2, my dad is on the autism spectrum and has depression, and half of my family has behavioral issues of some kind, but it still bombshelled me. Thankfully, I've come through the worst of the initial shock, and I've started putting my sense of self back together. This has, of course, spurred me to reflect on some traumatic incidents in my childhood, and I wanted to explore them below.
Growing up, around the time I turned 12, I became a Mormon zealot. I was homeschooled, in the middle of the rural woods, in the deep south, and very fucking Mormon. I earned my Duty to God award, I studied the scriptures every single day, I journaled, I read the conference reports, I went to church, I cried for Jesus getting crucified, I had all the right answers in Sunday school... I tried to do every single thing that I was told to do. And this is where my mental illness really started to show, though I had no way of knowing it at the time.
I started having sex dreams involving other men. I couldn't rationalize this, being gay, with my ultra-radical faith, and in studying the teachings of Joseph Smith, I came to the conclusion that I was giving Satan power over me and he was making me physically attracted to other men. I began experiencing delusions that I was being attacked by devils or abandoned by the Holy Ghost, that God was angry at me for masturbating, or that false angels were appearing to me and telling me my calling and election was made sure. I truly feel that during this time I spiraled into a manic state, and I lost touch with reality.
Then the depression. Feelings of absolute worthlessness, of overwhelming guilt over being so fucking horrible and sinful to cause Jesus so much pain, that I couldn't stop sinning and that because of that I must be in Satan's control... The thoughts that Satan might actually make me harm a family member. The alarm and anxiety that led me to isolate myself for hours at a time. The agitation, the constant praying, constant reading my scriptures, trying to "always have His Spirit" to be with me.
One of the worst experiences I had is when we went up to a major airport. I got it in my head that the Holy Ghost left me (because you can FEEL when the HG leaves, amirite?) because of a bad thought I had, and that "God was turning me over to Satan". I began to panic. My anxiety kept rising. And I felt like I was literally in hell, under attack. My vision was partially blacked out, I dissociated partially, I couldn't sit still, I was agitated, absolutely distraught over losing the HG. Because that's what a loving god would do. /mindfuck
At the root of everything that, I feel, really made things worse though were two things: Gordon B. Hinkley saying that "we can be perfect in our thoughts and our prayers", if not our actions, which led me to set my zealot self up for failure, and in conjunction with that, a fucking OBSESSION in the leadership and youth magazines with "bad thoughts." I still remember that talk "your mind is like a stage! Disinvite bad thoughts!" Oh if only it were that simple. You mean that your brain is a complex biological organism that is completely capable of fucking with your perception of reality due to hormones, genetics, and environmental influences? YOU DON'T SAY. JUST SING A FUCKING HYMN, AND BYE-BYE SATAN.
These two toxic elements set the stage (see what I did there?) for mental instability and feelings of abject failure to cope or manage when I "sinned", and played off my predisposition to this mental illness. I had no idea that was happening, and truthfully, I should have been hospitalized as a kid. I wasn't.
Eventually I stopped believing in the existence of Satan, long before I gave up God or Jesus, for the sake of my own sanity. I could not believe in Satan without paralyzing anxiety and that's what I had to do to manage it. Eventually I lost God and Jesus too, and I've been out of the Morgue for seven years now (wow!), but I wanted to share my mindfuck of a childhood and how it was tainted by the Morgue.
I thought I had so much because I grew up Mormon. I thought I was gaining so much more than anyone else ever had. But it really set me back in so many ways, many of which I've come back from thankfully, but the scars it left are still clearly visible.
Thinking back on it now, the only thing worse than having breaks from reality and delusions as a kid was being taught my entire life growing up that they are normal and I should expect them. No problems here, just temptations from Satan. Go raise your arm to to the square and command him to be silent during Wednesday night activities, the priesthood gives you that power. Oh, didn't work? Well you must not be worthy.
/ramble
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self.bipolar
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I just want to die I'm drunk and in the middle of nowhere ans just want to dufjing end it i cant juet fucking tjae this pain anymore fuck living
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self.depression
|
My grandmothers are dying... Let me just get this off my chest, my grandma is my mom's mom, she disliked my brother and I and we dont know why. She now has Breast cancer and lung cancer, the doctors gave her six months to live, 9 months ago. My granny is my dad's mom, she's always been here for us. She had a stroke around three months ago but was doing fine. I came home from my College Play practice and I got the news, my granny is AFIB and extremely week heart muscles. They say she's in critical condition. My dad has never been emotional, as he learned quick that in the real world, it's just easier to keep to yourself. My grandpa left my dad and granny for a neighbor, then my granny remarried. She married a guy that my dad grew fond of, could this be the one to stay forever? He ended up passing away from lung cancer and my dad was devastated. My dad depended on Granny and Granny depended on dad. They were ALWAYS there for each other. We were in the hospital room and my mom was talking to my dad about putting granny in a rehab center instead of coming home with us, the look in my dads eyes. I rarely see him cry, but what I saw is that he knew that it would be for the best... I dont know what to do, my grandmas are dying, my dad is devastated and this is all happening on the worst week, my college play is this week.
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self.offmychest
|
Buspar experience? My doctor recently put me on buspar and after lots of failed medications, I’m hesitant to try it. Has anybody had experience with buspar, positive or negative. I’ve already been on lexapro, Wellbutrin, cymbalta, Ativan, gabapentin, abilify, trazedone, and some others. So I would like to hear how buspar works for others! I’m also currently on effector and lamictal.
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self.Anxiety
|
How do I overcome anhedonia? Have any of you managed to do it? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I can't handle people being mean to me on the Internet [removed]
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self.depression
|
Do you also feel tired of talking about it with friends or family? When I started feeling weird, I didn't want to talk about it. I hided it from my closest friends, made excuses for why I was missing classes. Then, I started telling a lot of people, little by little, and since I broke that barrier, I would spend many hours trying to explain how I was feeling. But I felt very tired and frustrated after venting about it. No one ever said something mean or inconsiderate, like "you're just making excuses" or "it's not even a real disease". No, they never did that, and I know I'm more lucky than most. The thing is, I never felt like they quite get that I felt incapable of doing everyday tasks or to feel pleasure doing stuff. Everytime I said I was sad and unmotivated, they would tell they felt the same way too, and it was normal (it was not normal and not the same). Like, they would act like it was a normal sadness. Or they would tell me to just get distracted, get a hobbie, when it was impossible for me to distract myself from my negative auto-destructive thoughts. Everyone kept giving a lot of generic advise that didn't work out, and I know they had the best intentions, but I felt very frustrated that I couldn't quite explain or speak in a way they would understand how was the feeling. Also, I got this feeling that they were acting like it was a simple problem, with a simple solution. Just get up and be positive. A friend of mine once told me that her grandmother was also depressed, but that she (the grandmother) didn't try and didn't want to be helped, that her grandma was at fault. It's like people think is so easy and they can't get why you're torturing yourself. I know, I know it seems like I'm complaining when I was so lucky they cared about me and supported me the best way they could. And I was being naive to expect people would 100% get me. Also, it's not their obligation to get me or "fix" me. It's just I realized it was not working or doing me any good to spend so many hours talking about it with someone else than my therapist. I stopped talking so much about it, but sometimes I compusively start talking about it with my dad or with my mom. I feel very tired and sad and frustrated afterwards. Do you feel the same way?
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self.depression
|
Can you be physically tired while hypomanic/manic? I didn't sleep at all yesterday and felt great though my left eye kept twitching. Wasn't able to eat because I wagered that I would get to use my free meal ticket but there was nothing left. Felt really good in P.E. and was awesome. Went home and at 1:00 am I reluctantly went to bed and fell asleep a couple hours later. Woke up today and my body is struggling. It's like mentally, I'm flying but my body is like an anchor? I want to do all these things but it feels like my body is protesting? Suddenly I got this moment where I got really dizzy and everything got blurry but it went over but idj. I'm so annoyed that I went to bed. But like yeah. Idk...
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self.bipolar
|
Fuck loneliness fuck thinking the whole world is against you, fuck trying to distract yourself from it, fuck thinking your a piece of shit because you have noone, fuck the lack of connection, fuck this stupid fucking shit its the only thing that brings me down back into this depression, I don't know what to do I've tried socialising it didn't work, I don't what to fucking do, I want to give up so fucking bad, I don't want this anymore, I don't care that I'm smart, I don't care that I can play music I just care that nobody cares, I want to go somewhere it doesn't hurt so much anymore.
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self.depression
|
Today I definitely really want to do it, there’s just one thing holding me back. I’m a little over 5 months pregnant. I’m still considering it, I just feel guilty. I feel even more guilty to know that my kid would have a depressed mom. I frequently fantasize about finding them a loving home through an adoption agency, then just doing it. They don’t deserve a mom like me, i don’t deserve them.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Anyone use modafinil? Need some help. Hello all,
I have been having serious problems staying awake during the day. I spend most of my time in bed or sleeping on the couch. It's really making work and home life difficult. It's possible that Geodon is making me tired, but I've been on it for months without any issues. I don't feel depressed or anything, just exhausted during the day.
Does anyone use modafinil in combination with their BP meds? I don't want to change my existing meds as I am doing pretty well bipolar-wise. Did you find it helpful for staying awake? Also, how do you compare it to ADHD meds like Concerta or Adderall (if you've taken those)? Adderall made me manic, so I'm looking for something less intense. I'm just focused with staying awake and being productive.
Thanks in advance.
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self.bipolar
|
I just wish something couldve made me happy Every attempt I have made to be happy has gone to shit. My world is crumbling around ne and I cant take it anymore. My family are emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. The only person I've ever loved left me 2 months ago. We were together for 3 years. In going to bring he. A large bouquet of white roses (they're her favorite) and a love note tonight that has my debt card and code in it. I'm going to give her a hug then leave and run myself into a very sturdy tree at 120mph. (I'd be dead faster than the blink of an eye) I can't do this anymore. I'm alone and am so unloved. Ive lost my drive to try anymore. Its not that its valentines day that I feel like this. Ive felt like this for about 6 years now. I'm not doing this because she left me. I'm doing this because I am a waste of space. Anything I try to do just goes to shit. I hope you all have a great valentines day and remember that even if you're alone on this valentines day you can still make it enjoyable. Go out and have some fun
I'll be listening to "With Heart and Voice" by David Gillingham. Id recommend listening to it sometime.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
People who have their dogs put down because they can't train them properly, are scummy bastards [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Performance Anxiety I just lost my virginity.. Technically
I could not get hard at all, I had had a lot to drink in a short amount of time but I felt okay, fairly calm, I went with what was happening and did what I "knew" to do but when it came to getting hard it would not happen, she tried to help me in all ways she could think of but nothing
The following morning we tried again and I got about 30-40% hard for a moment or two of penetration, 24 hours later I was in my bed alone thinking back to the experience standing to attention ready to go..
I am addicted to porn, I'm currently 10 days without watching it or masturbating (NoFap) and I'm afraid my 15 years of only watching that and masturbating to that has seriously damaged my abilities with real life situations.
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self.Anxiety
|
I thought I was alone! So glad to have found this sub! I am happy to have found this subreddit!
I'm a 28f and have struggled with health anxiety for the past 4 years. Right after the birth of my last kid.
I'm in constant worry that I'm dying. Every day, holiday, or event I wonder if it will be my last. So I try to cherish the moments but also it takes away from it because there's this cloud of depression hanging over my head. I have a good life. A wonderful marriage, great kids, enjoyable job... so there must be doom around the corner, right?
I had my gallbladder removed 2 years ago, and ever since I've worried that I have liver cancer or pancreatic cancer. When I eat large amounts of wheat, sugar, or fat, I get twinges in the gallbladder area and i end up in the bathroom with diarrhea. I try to stay away from things at upset my digestion. I know this is normal life without a gallbladder so doctors suggest a lifelong low fat/sugar diet. But to me, I feel like I'm dying. It has to be a symptom of impending death.
I jumped off a bridge into a river in August, it was fun. I hurt my tailbone. It is still uncomfortable but not painful. Instead of thinking it's a injury, I think it's a tumor on my tailbone. Or colon cancer.
I have tightness in my right shoulder/blade/neck, I think it's lymphoma. So I'm constantly touching both sides of my neck to make sure both sides feel the same. If they dont, I enter in a panic. I feel around for lumps excessively. I feel my neck, breasts, armpits...
I just enrolled in health insurance for 2018, so I have a full checkup this week with bloodwork.
But I am so anxious about it. I feel like they're going to tell me I have 2 weeks to live. Or something catastrophic like that.
It's so exhausting. And infuriating.
I just want to be normal.
TL;DR: happy to have this community, still think I'm dying though.
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self.Anxiety
|
Therapy is Bullshit I went five (5) times to a therapist LMFT and all she did was listen to me for 50 min and take my money.
The only advice was sending me to some meditation website.
What they did do in addition is send four (4) armed policemen to my door ... guns drawn ... saying "we know your in there ... you want us to break down your door ... and other things.
And I came to CHI Miami for an "anxiety disorder" I have. That should really help it don't you think. If I was suicidal ... I would have killed myself
Great Therapy
Go to a therapist if you want to be put in jail for the rest of your life or if you want to commit suicide
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self.Anxiety
|
Never a good word. I haven't lived a particularly long time, but I don't think anyone, in that time, has ever had a good thing to say about me. Not about my personality, not about my efforts or interests, not about my intelligence and not about my appearance. The most I've gotten are positive comments about my work, not the effort or care put into the work mind you, or about myself in relation to that, but the work itself. Even then, the comments are either heavily qualified (e.g *quite* good, *pretty* good, good *for your age*) or are very insincere. By the latter I mean very exaggerated and condescending, or very fake, clearly made out of politeness, obligation or disinterest.
There is no exception to this rule - not one - and there never has been. I work hard, I try hard, but it's never beyond anyone's satisfaction. Barring people's remarks, I have also not been successful in my endeavors for a multitude of reasons/excuses. I'm never the winner, or the subject of praise. I don't know what to do about this.
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self.depression
|
When they say “Why don’t you do anything about it” [deleted]
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self.depression
|
A little guidance would be very helpful. Hi! I’ve browsed this subreddit off and on for the last few months, and I gotta say, I’m super grateful for all of you and your stories. I’ve decided to post today because I feel as if I’m incapable of seeing through something possibly detrimental to my mental health. I have friends, at least who I think are friends, who want to get an apartment with me. One on one they’re receptive, courteous, kind and treat me overall with respect. The thing is when I’m with these friends (the two of them) together, they’re sarcastic and use put downs as jokes. I really can’t decide if it’s bullying, or abuse, but this constant analysis of their intentions is effecting me. I’m depressed with the fact that they may harbor negative thoughts about me. I’m not the most socialized human being on the face of the earth, so I can’t decide if whether or not they’re toxic. Should I cut them out? Do I talk to them? How do you think I should proceed? Sorry if this isn’t the place to post this, but it is really really effecting my mental health.
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self.depression
|
My grandmother has dementia and it's tearing my family apart My grandma was diagnosed with Alzheimer's a few years ago and it's basically been killing my mom. Even though grams is in an assisted living facility, my mother takes her to appointments, the hair salon, etc., and does her laundry (which is nasty b/c she's incontinent more frequently but refuses to wear adult diapers). My dad & I help by seeing her during the week, but because my grandmother is both needy towards my mom (she refuses to let one of us take her to an appointment) AND unpleasant towards her, it's stressful. Last month she yelled at my mom for "selling her house and taking all her money to get rid of her", and my mom was depressed for days. I've seen her & my father age so much in the past six months it's scary.
I've had to start thinking of her as someone else, because I'm afraid that I'll forget how she was before the dementia. I fucking hate her for being like this, even though I know it's not her fault, and I hate myself for hating her. I've gotten way past "I don't want her to die now!" because honestly? If she did it would be better for everyone around her, including her. Even then, I'm afraid that the toll it's taken on my mother is irreversible.
I probably sound angsty but this has been on my mind for a long time. I know that this whole situation can't go back to how it was before the dementia, so the next best thing is just to hope for the end, I guess. I just wish I could be less angry about the whole situation and try to enjoy my gram before her personality slips away completely, but whenever I see my mom becoming physically unwell from all the stress I just get angry again.
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self.offmychest
|
So much about nerdom just increasing makes it feel unsafe for folks like me (long post, depressed whimpering) First aspect: I'm an autistic, anxious and panic disordered, transfemine enbie, who will likely have to make a break entirely from a toxic home environment.
I'm going to go over the liberal/'apolitical' version, as the right wing part of nerdom... I'm not even going there.
There's just so many aspects that are alienating to me these days. I feel like I'm being driven away from gaming, a hobby that has basically kept me sane over the years by the current lootbox craze that are basically a direct predatory attack on folks like me - depressed and anxious folks who are easily baited by that kind of song and dance, and get obsessed with things easily. That's damn dangerous for folks like me, and is going to end in suicides.
I also really hate hearing nerds talk about how it's going to be awesome to see mankind genetically enhanced and debugged. Do you know what I hear when I hear that?
I'm not worth having around. For so long, we disabled folks have been treated as nothing but a problem, and we were always targeted in the past when someone thought there was something that needed to be fixed in the gene pool. Whenever I hear about that, I am being told, again, that I, and folks like me, are defective and aren't worth having around. I'm not a damn bug. I'm not broken. It's not broken to be autistic. It's not wrong. I'm not broken for the world, the world is broken for me. And I don't even want to start about how they often treat transgender folks like me as mascots for their enhancement fantasies.
It just feels like nerddom is shedding any pretense of being anything but class signaling, like a way to show that you're middle class. Where's the nerds who used to talk about grand stories? Where's the librarian queer geeks talking the old books? It's just fucking loot and tat all the way down.
I also have problems with the redemption fetishism that's common these days. It feels... unsafe, like it's a predator cover.
I just feel less and less like there's space for me any more. And it's really, really, really making me miserable.
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self.offmychest
|
Nightmares and cold sweats The past couple of nights I’ve had bad dreams and woken up in the middle of the night heart racing and in a cold sweat. Wondering if anyone has had similar experiences. It’s been pretty scary. I’ve also recently stopped smoking weed so that may have an effect as well.
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self.Anxiety
|
My new psychiatrist doesn't believe in bipolar disorder. Thoughts /advices? So I'm seeing a new psychiatrist because my old one moved. I've seen her only three times and she says she doesn't believe in bipolar disorder, and that the fact I'm diagnosed with it is totally uninteresting to her. She means that it's just a label put on people because they have "some mood swings" and wouldn't bother working with that. She also says she would want me to quit my medication, all this despite not knowing much about me. I myself don't question my disorder, neither have my previous psychiatrists. So I'm confused and don't feel comfortable with seeing her anymore, but somehow feel I have to. Has anyone experienced something like this, or does anyone have any advice?
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self.bipolar
|
New pdoc questioned my diagnosis Backstory: My insurance changed and so I have a new pdoc. The insurance will also not cover 900mg of Trileptal which means that I have to change my meds. I've decided to make the switch to Lithium. I know it's the tried and true method but I'm intimidated by the switch, I haven't been on it before and I've been on Trileptal for years.
So my pdoc is a resident which means she has to get authorization before a subscription change. And her superior said "how sure are we about this diagnosis? Have you heard voices? Felt like God? Been hospitalized?" I kinda looked at him and said "I was diagnosed as MDD for years, I'm sure BP2 is right"
I felt offended and annoyed, why would I choose to be BP2? Do I have to be hospitalized before he'd take me seriously, cause if so I'll go elsewhere. I don't have time to be hospitalized just to be taken seriously.
Have you guys had this before? Where the pdoc questions your diagnosis? Because I feel like I question it enough, I don't need someone else to make me more confused.
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self.bipolar
|
Stuck as a fat ass in a world that idolizes skinny men... I'm a 31 year old gay male. And I'm fat. I've tried everything to lose weight. Dieting, exercising, personal trainers, pills, all of it. But after one whole year of being really diligent and going to the gym multiple times a week and watching what I eat, I'm actually fatter than I started...
Nothing works. And it's because I'm a failure. I can't do anything. I try and I try and I try. But nothing happens.
And what's worse is that I don't fit in with the gay community either. Everyone I see in the bars, on the apps, are all skinny, muscular men. I don't look like that. So no one will even talk to me.
I'm all alone. And I can't take it anymore. I have no friends to talk to. I can't afford therapy. And I'm afraid of coming out publically. So I'm a fat, gay loser... And nothing I do will change that.
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self.depression
|
I deleted Facebook today I just couldn't stop myself from checking it all the time, from looking at my ex and his new girlfriend's profile pics. Even seeing people that I love and care about being happy made me compare my life to theirs and find myself wanting. That isn't right, I can't believe I've fallen so far I begrudge them their happiness. I need to get my head straight. It was tough. It's been over 10 years of my life recorded on that site. The good times mostly, some of the bad, and occasionally I posted something clever. But it's for the best. My life needs to be real. It needs to be where I am. And if I falter, I've still got 14 days to recover it.
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self.depression
|
Question on what female hairstyle to have less maintenance So I’m kinda having major difficulty with self maintenance. My hair is past my butt and I’ve always loved my long hair. But my depression is at a all time high and I have 0 motivation to brush it and maintain it anymore. I figure I should get it cut, but I’m at a problem of what hair style would help me feel better with less maintenance. I refuse to cut it shorter than a bob because I struggle heavily with self worth and image and I feel like my hair is the only pretty thing about me. So does anyone have suggestions for color and cut? I’m going grey at 20 from stress and my thyroid too so I got to color it also. I also have super thick and curly hair.
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self.depression
|
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