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Am I depressed? So I've been feeling sad on and off for a while now, and I can be happy, but anytime I see a few specific people or think deeply, I become sad for a while. I always think I'm worthless and my friends don't enjoy my company. I always feel as if everything I do is useless or stupid, and I think people see me as a fool or someone not worth being near. I am too scared to tell my parents or my friends, mainly because I think they will judge me or not take me seriously (most of my friends are goofy and jokesters). This has bothered me for a couple months now, and I've kept it hidden the entire time. Now I just don't know what to do. Am I depressed? I don't know. I'm in my early teens so I don't have the overwhelming amount of responsibilities many other teens may face and I don't have strict parents, so I'm just confused. I forget these problems sometimes, but I start thinking about them when I try to sleep or at random during the day and it drops my mood. What do I do?
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self.depression
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Going to bad neighborhood and asking if somebody there can kill me I've climbed 100 feet up a cell phone tower, but was too much of a pussy to jump.
I've held a knife to my eye, but my damn survival instinct won't let me just get it over with.
I don't have access to a gun myself, but thankfully, I live in one of the most dangerous cities in the US. Stockton, California. What kind of results do you think I would get if I started approaching random people in the hood and asking them calmly if they had a gun they could kill me with?
Maybe it's a stupid idea. I know that a lot of people are killed here. So I just figure maybe somebody out there would be willing to kill me.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Half of what I do is desire for things I'll never be able to buy and the other half is trying to convince myself that life is more than getting the things you always wanted, even tho everyone else got them but you. 12% of Rio de Janeiro is unemployed and I keep failing job interviews when I have very little to eat. Yet my friends don't need to worry about that because they were all born rich. I wish they wouldn't take everything they own for granted in front of me, it makes me feel worse.
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self.depression
|
I am unlovable. I feel like I will never find love or intimacy with anyone. All of my friends have experience or are in a relationship, and I have always been left out. The only thing that could maybe count as a relationship was when I “dated” a boy in middle school, but I don’t think he really liked me, and we were just confused about love and lonely.
I’m ugly. I’m mixed and I hate this about myself. I have light skin and the most frustrating ethnic hair on the planet. Nothing I do with it looks good. My body is awful; I have acne scars on my face, shoulders and back, my breasts are small, and I have violin hips.
I feel so alone. My friends are off dating people and exploring their sexualities, meanwhile nobody wants me. I’m hideous, I’m annoying, and I have no redeeming qualities and I won’t be convinced otherwise until someone loves me.
Sometimes I feel so depraved that I wish someone would molest me or rape me because I know that being assaulted is probably the best I can get. I even get jealous when my friends tell me stories of unwanted advances, harassment, and even assault.
I just wish someone loved me and wanted to be with me forever. I just want to feel lovable and desirable. I want the intimacy that others have. But I know I’ll never have that because there is absolutely nothing about me to love, and it kills me inside so much that it makes me want to die.
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self.offmychest
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Exhausted Chronically ill, fiancé lost job, soon-to-be MIL moved in with us because she's homeless (she's actually very lovely).
My health is terrible. I am a student at an Ivy League but I am too sick to be at school with my disability so I had to take a leave. My parents died, my nuclear family died shortly thereafter (accident).
We are going to be homeless soon more than likely. My health is getting worse and I can't afford to take care of my family.
My life insurance actually covers suicide (it's a very old policy; covers suicide after two years into the policy). The money would buy my fiancé a decent house and, if the remainder were split between funds for liquidity / modest investments / an annuity, it would ensure that they never had to worry about money or a place to live ever again.
Today was the last straw.
I was walking to the bank, daylight, busy streets... and got robbed. All my rent money stolen. Literally all the liquid cash I had left.
We will be homeless now. And my health is so bad I won't survive it anyhow.
I already know how I am going to do it. Not even scared or afraid. Just wish today hadn't happened but maybe it's a good thing, because it made me realize that I need to save my family, even if it means sacrificing myself.
I won't be talked out of it. I'm fine with it.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I don't know what's happening in my head and I don't know what to do about it. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Many Worthless Things I went to college straight out of high school, and I got thrown out on academic expulsion. I never went to class, I smoked and drank too much, I screwed around with whoever would let me screw around, and after two semesters of having fun the school gave me the boot.
I'm now 31 years old, and trying again. I'm 70 credits into a 130 credit program at a safety school for safety schools. The work isn't hard. It's all laughably easy. And I hate myself for going back.
To say nothing of pretentious academics that pronounce "literature" as "litera-*tour*," to say nothing of the colossal sunk cost of time and money, to say nothing of the horrid teenagers infesting the campus, or the uselessness of an English degree, or the pit of credits I'd need to climb out of if I wanted to change majors to something with actual worth, going back to school was the worst decision I ever made.
I've had affairs with married women and fathered an illegitimate child. I've gotten into physical altercations with friends and family. I've driven so drunk that I don't know how I made it home alive.
But when I walk on to that campus, anxiety overwhelms me. The panic attacks start, and I feel like my chest is going to shatter inward and pierce my organs with shards of bone. My body shakes and my stomach turns. I get to the door to the building where my next class is, and I stop. I'm paralyzed with fear, and I cannot force myself to go inside.
So I walk away and sit on the bench for a while, hoping that I'll calm down. But I don't, and I go home, and I lie in bed and I let the tears come a-crashing down. I'm humiliated in isolation, and I don't want to go back to where I feel that way. So I don't. I sink down into sump and refuse to open the blinds, check the mail, or even shower.
I can't see the point. All I can see is the utter worthlessness of continuing a liberal arts education with the sole purpose of giving myself the means to pay for my worthless liberal arts education slightly faster than if I quit. I kick myself for being so stupid, for being so dumb to think that I could learn something in college that I couldn't teach myself.
I stay up late. I sleep late. I think about how it would feel to fall a hundred feet, then land. I think about how much I want help and how I hate feeling stupid, and helpless, and alone, and how I can't afford help because I can't get insurance because I live in one of the most hypocritical, diseased, putrescent, patriotism-fetishist nations in the free world.
I am the source of my own problems. I am the root cause of my unhappiness and I have to take responsibility for my mistakes. I am also intensely depressed and stuck where I am for the foreseeable future.
I hate everyone that has to do with a university program that seems fit only to bankrupt dipshits like me, but I hate myself more for falling for it. I'm tired of the system, but I'm more tired of being made to feel worthless for not having finished it.
There's no point to writing this, except to write it. Put it out into the world and maybe I'll get to stop thinking about it for a minute or two. But it will come back, because I never, ever stop thinking about what comes next. So, I'm left to wonder, what's the point in being clever if you have to do the same shit as everyone else? Of course, the answer is that I'm a moron for thinking I was ever clever.
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self.depression
|
I find comfort in sadness... It's like a warm blanket.
Happiness and anger just make me anxious. When I'm sad, I feel calm. Sadness feels real and everything else feels fake.
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self.depression
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My friends dont care about me Sorry for posting this but I need to let out my feelings so I guess here is where I'm doing it.
Also the first 4 paragraphs don't matter too much so just skip them. They're backstory.
TLDR; Friend said a couple other friends and I were gonna room together. Makes another room with out telling me, leaving me in the dust. X2
Basically this year, I'm going on my senior trip. Yay fun Disney woowoo. For said trip we are staying in a hotel, each room gets 4 people, 2 beds per room, pretty basic. They say it really doesn't matter who is in your room bc you are with whoever you want in the park but it does. You are sleeping with at least one of the people, unless you want to sleep on the floor.
Anyway, last year me and 3 of my friends decided it'd be fun to be in a room with each other, and one of them even said "I'm not letting anyone take you from our room". Idk if I was being presumptuous but it seemed like that room was going to stick. It seemed to stick up until like, a week ago. Idk what happened but randomly a couple of my other friends were saying it'd be fun to have this room blah blah you should be in a room with us. So uh I guess? I didn't really say yes or no but I kinda was seeing how it was gonna go when the actual forms came out.
So room signups came out about a week ago, so me being a worry wart, I quickly asked one of the people from the second group what's up. Ofc they didn't know and said I should ask the other person in the group. I asked, same "unknowing" response. I was worried but I didn't care too much as it always works out. I guess that was my mistake.
Flash forward to today. It's the Monday after a 5 day weekend. I'm tired you're tired we all don't wanna be here. Day goes by uneventfully, until after school. I had yearbook, so I went to that and was doing my usual thing, sitting in-between the people from the second group from before. Eventually this other girl comes up, and starts talking to one of them, basically convo is like, hey Sally I talked to Susan and she's ok with Yolanda joining our room and Susan has the paper blah blah blah.
Immediately I felt betrayed heartbroken and worried, I ran out to text one of the people from the first group making sure our room was still good. I go back into yearbook and resume normal activities. I go home, still no text back.
I am a worrier so I messaged the girl again (4 hours later??) And she finally texts me back saying I DONT THINK SO. I immediately start sobbing. I asked her what's she doing for the room. IT IS THE SAME PEOPLE JUST WITH SOMEONE ELSE INSTEAD OF ME. I tell her I don't have a room. She asks me if I can ask anyone, I tell her no but there's one person I can try. She says worth a shot.
Luckily the person I asked is trying so find a room along with someone else so I guess we'll be rooming together. I let the person I was texting know everything was ok I think and I got a room maybe. No response. No I'm sorry no that's good nothing.
I just feel so alone and the people I thought I could trust just don't care. They act like I matter to them but then they just don't care when it matters. I just want to graduate and never have to deal with this bullshit anymore.
Sorry this was long but I just needed to get this out there.
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self.depression
|
I think my uncle and aunt think I am a bad influence on my cousins. Cuz I am suicidal. shhh. hahaha
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self.SuicideWatch
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How to deal with family members thinking you're selfish [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Bedtime Routine Tips? My anxiety has been getting progressively worse the past few weeks and it's preventing me from falling asleep at night as millions of thoughts flood my mind about everything from work to finances to health to that one thing I said 5 years ago that I regret. Anyone have any bedtime routine tips that get you focused and ready to sleep instead of lay awake worrying for hours?
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self.Anxiety
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It would be so much easier to kill myself than fix the issues I have
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self.depression
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Coming to terms with childhood sexual abuse So, just a background, I'm a 23 year old male and the incident that happened to me occurred when I was 7ish. Basically, I was at a local swimming pool and was in the men's room and am older guy was near me. I didn't know how to tie my bathing suit so I asked him to help me. After that, my memory is a bit vague. I remember him opening my bathing suit far too wide than you would need to to tie it and I'm pretty sure he was staring at my genitals. After that he patted where my balls are sent me on my way. I guess it could have turned out worse, but this is still a fucked up moment in my life that I've repressed for so long but now I need to deal with it and its been fucking with me for the past few weeks. Any tips for moving past childhood sexual abuse? I'm currently seeing a psychiatrist because I have depression and I'm on several meds as well so I have that checked off.
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self.depression
|
I still can't say the word Last Monday I became another statistic, adding another notch.
Last Monday I trusted a guy, I thought I would be safe. I was told nonstop about how good of a guy he was. He wasn't a good guy.
It's my fault right? I entered his apartment, I was told "what else did you expect?". Well for starters I didn't expect a guy I told numerous times that I didn't want to do anything, to force me to do things.
I expected a guy to respect when I said no, and not continue doing what he wanted, when I didn't want it.
I didn't expect to spend 6 hours in a bed with a guy, waiting for the moment I could escape. Somewhere in those 6 hours, I convinced myself that it was ok. It took days later until I was sitting at Urgent Care that I broke down. I still can't say the word.
It's been 8 days and I still can't say it, the hardest conversation was telling my mom that a guy practically took my virginity by force. But I keep telling myself it's my fault.
Now I'm scared I'll never be loved or wanted. He damaged me. I think he knows this because he continues to try to talk to me. I don't know what to do anymore.
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self.depression
|
How do you find/vet a new psychiatrist? I just moved to a new city, and am kind of at a low point mental health-wise. I established with a PCP whom I really like. I got a referral to a psychiatrist through the same medical system (major university teaching hospital medical system in a big city), so I assumed the psychiatry offerings would be good. It turns out they aren’t. The psychiatrists in the medical system offer essentially one-time appointments and then you work with your PCP. If you want more in-depth care, you have to find a pdoc in the community.
But, since this is a major city, if you do a search, the number of people out there is absolutely overwhelming. I don’t even know where to start. And I’ve had some very very very bad experiences with mental health care practitioners in the past, so I’m a bit (err, VERY) anxious about cold calling someone and hoping they’re not horrible.
Does anyone have advice on finding a good pdoc in a new city where you can’t get references from others?
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self.Anxiety
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I feel like crying and idk why In history rn, my teacher got me an assignment and I almost break down... just thinking about how much work it would be, and how little energy I have left everyday... God I'm so weak...
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self.depression
|
Three Months Later A girl I loved moved to Europe for a few months of work and we were supposed to try and do long distance just as we had done a year before. But after a few weeks of ignored messages, mysterious nights out, and cook cutter responses she told me she didn't love me anymore.
This was unexpected, people had looked up to our relationship and praised us for our communication and how well we worked together. We never had any issues together, but the moment we hit the first road bump you hit the fucking eject button to explore a content I’ve never been to while I informed our friends were no longer together. In one phone call she managed to make the past few years of my life feel meaningless. I went from having found my other half to being just the best guy who was around.
This isn't my first breakup but it's definitely the one I've felt the most. I know to focus on myself for a while and work on what's best for me but at this point, I'm just worn out. To distract myself I just filled up my schedule with work and school so I never really have a moment to myself. Four days out of the week I go to two unpaid internships from 9-5, then I have night classes from 6-10, and this is all on top of editing my school's publication.
In terms of my work I've never been more successful, I’m producing great content and I'm starting to become recognized within the local industry. But at the same time I've never felt worse. I have this constant pit in my chest and stomach, I now have problems sleeping through the night, I'll regularly wake up in a panic because my body is telling me I can't sleep because I have work to do, and some days I just find it hard to get out of bed.
I took on all this work so I wouldnt just lay around feeling sorry for myself, but it just made me exhausted and hasnt stopped me from thinking of her every day. This is all on top of the normal senior year stress around finding a job and paying off my loans while still eating. I go to school in Boston and I fucking hate this place, I don't have the option of going home after graduation because there's no work for me and the cost of living is too high.
Luckily all of this semesters work is finally ending and I get to go home for a month for the first time in a few years. I plan on deleting my social media apps on my phone for the month, I want to be off the grid for a little bit and just be around people I love. The thing is I don't really know how to move forward when I get back.
I know I want what I had a few months ago and i've just forgotten how to get there. I started casually going out with a new girl shortly after the break up, and while we get
along great I just don't feel a connection or anything right now. It's too soon. I want to just be friends and it's just another thing I've been putting off.
I've lost half of me and i'm slowly learning how to be myself again. I know I need time, I just didn't realize how long the days would feel.
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self.offmychest
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Should I end it all 27 year old. No degree, job, friends or money. My clothes are old. And torn medications aren’t seeming to help I can’t always afford meds or therapy. Socially awkward and anxious. To afraid to live to afraid to die. People my age lived there college life, got good jobs made friends and settled down.
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self.depression
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Opinions needed desperately! I have been hypomanic and all over the place since Sunday. I know I have to ride this out and I will eventually get stable. I need to sleep so I’m trying desperately. I’m taking my meds, doing everything I should be doing.
The question: I just started at a new job on 11/1. There is the Christmas party tomorrow and it is a formal party. I came over to this company with 100 people but I don’t know most of the people in the company.
Should I go to the party and risk me being all hypomanic, overshare, talk people’s ears off, and generally give everyone the wrong impression?
I would miss an opportunity to meet new people who work in the company but I don’t work with directly.
I just don’t know what to do!
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self.bipolar
|
Hes gross. I am an introverted person, I dont like having my personal space invaded without permission and Im not very physically affectionate not even with friends or family. He is horribly touchy, talks to me at the worst times, makes me uncomfortable as hell, stares at me, insulted me on my appearance and just generally feels like he was put on this planet to test my goddamn patience. But my god, he's so fucking hot and I dont know whether to complain about the shit he pulls or ask him to fuck me in an alley. It makes me feel guilty. Hes gorgeous but he's such an ass I'm probably never going to fuck him but even wanting him makes me feel like I have no self-respect and makes me feel disgusted with myself as a human being- to let someone insult me and still want them way more than I should. I started spiralling into this mess where I curl my lashes and then wash my face so it wouldnt stay curled and look like i was trying to impress anyone, doing toning workouts so he wouldnt feel soft flesh when he touches me, dressing in skimpy clothes or maybe just a bra or nothing underneath a giant sweater so he wont notice.This isnt exactly anything juicy or heartbreaking but im so frustrated and everything about him pisses me off.
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self.offmychest
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I wish I had a way to end it now But i guess thats my rational side looking out for me. I have knives but no guns or pills, nowhere high enough to jump from. Maybe that needs to change, though. Im an idiot, but surely I can find something to take this pain away
But first, I need more alcohol
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self.SuicideWatch
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Does it ever freak you out to realize you’re on antidepressants? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I push everyone away, yet I feel lonely. I pushed my ex away recently after 2 years. At the start we were the strongest couple, things were well. But about a year ago I started getting worried, thinking I wasn't good enough, or that she was going to leave me. So I broke up with her, we kept getting back and breaking up for a while, until now. I feel horrible for how I was, and I can't explain why I did it, she was never horrible to me, never cheated or did anything to jeopardize our relationship. I feel lonely, and want her back now, but I know I can't, I have no clue why I did it.
I push of my everyone out of my life, thinking I'm not good enough, and I feel it leads back to when my mum passed away when I was 12. She doesn't understand why I did it, as I can't explain it. I'm so sick of being this way.
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self.depression
|
"It's your choice to..." No, idiot, it fucking isn't my choice. I'm in school right now, arguing with my mother who clearly doesn't understand depression. I get severe depressive episodes that strike without warning, and it often happens during school. I often beg her not to make me go, but she forces me to anyways. I've tried explaining it to her but she fails to understand that I don't choose to be or act depressed, it just happens. She tells me; "You can choose to change your mindset and have a good day." My god, that fucking irritates me more than anything. No, mom, I don't choose anything. I didn't choose to feel the stares and laughs of the people judging me for my bald haircut. I didn't choose to get random episodes of severe depression that take all my concentration to prevent myself from screaming and crying hysterically. I didn't choose any of it.
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self.depression
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No idea where my life is headed I'm 17, and my father keeps asking me what I want to do once I get done my grade 12 year. And I have absolutely no idea. If he would've asked me a year ago I would've told him "I want to go do digital media in the province adjacent to me for my future game dev career with my friends." Since then I've given up on that career choice personally, and now I'm at a loss. I'm useless on this god forsaken earth. The only place where I find myself being genuinely happy is the internet, where my father keeps saying that I'm lazy and spend too much time on my computer. I've genuinely stopped giving a fuck about everything/everyone around me. I can't do anything. The legal age to get your beginner's here is 16 and I haven't even thought of going for those yet, when a grade level below me students are getting them, I can't swim, skate, I don't know correct CPR or first-aid, and today I had to help my father peel potatoes, and I couldn't even do that properly; no one has properly taught my much. Going back to the main topic, if my father asked me the same question again and I had to answer truthfully I'd tell him one out of three directions which I honestly want my life to head in. 1 -
Run away, get a job in a city/town hours away from here, work a 9-5 at some full-service restaurant, hit the gym, and start a new life, then maybe move to some country across the ocean, and maybe along the way find someone to start a relationship with. 2 - Run away, start a new life somewhere, but fulfilling the really toxic thoughts that I have on a daily basis, which I know I shouldn't have but I can't stop myself from having them. 3 - Run away and just end it all. Either way, if I were forced to answer truthfully, I want to turn around from home, run away, and never look back. I cycle through these 3 thoughts daily, which interupt what I do in school from time to time, and I really hope it's just a phase that I think these things but I also don't really know, and I'm at a complete loss right now.
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self.offmychest
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Small accomplishments So I’ve been lurking on here for about a month now and you all seem really nice so I decided I try and post something. Posting this in itself is a big accomplishment or me, but I’ve been finding the motivation to do my homework so much lately and it’s just nice to actually feel motivated and do something.
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self.depression
|
27-year-old man who has failed at life, still living at home, and no social life. Close to ending it all. Hi Reddit,
I never thought my life would reach this stage, but it has. I've always suffered from a kind of low-level discontent, influenced by social anxiety, which seems to be getting worse over the years.
The fact is that I've failed at life and I don't see it getting better.
All I can think about is ending the suffering. Here's why:
* I still live at home with my parents. 90% of people my age are independent.
* I have 2 friends who I see every two weeks at most. One is a paranoid coke addict while the other is a kinda toxic in the sense that he will insult/mock other people but can't take it when those people talk back to him.
* I suffer from bad social anxiety, so I work from home on my computer. This means my only daily human contact with people is often with my parents.
* I cannot even practice gratitude for the time shared with my parents because as an only child, when they are gone, I'll really be alone. My life is ruled by the dread of when they pass away, and thus I'm often irritable around them.
* I've only slept with two women, while most guys my age have slept with 10-20 girls minimum. In other words, they've experienced the world, been on lots of dates, etc.
* I'm 27 now. People only get one shot at their youth before settling down. I've blown mine in a state of anxiety/depression.
I know ending my life would shatter my parents. But if I've already failed so badly at life with them around, I'm fucked when they pass away. To try and provide some balance, here are some objectively positive things I've done that I don't see as positive because of many negatives associated with them.
* I've traveled alone to Thailand, Cambodia, Laos, Hungary, and Berlin. Any positives from this are negated by the fact that 90% of my time abroad was spent alone.
* Thailand, in particular, I've visited multiple times, and I lived with my Thai girlfriend there for 5 months. However, all I did was work from my computer, and only socialized twice in five months, apart from the time with my girlfriend.
* I have a degree in actuarial science. However, I worked at that line of work for a year and didn't like the work at all, making the degree ultimately useless.
* I decided to teach myself guitar when I was 23, having never practiced an instrument as a youngster. Any positives of that are negated by the fact that I don't have the skill or the confidence to join a band. Nor do I have friends to jam with.
Sorry for the lengthy post, but I feel hopeless. My 20s are practically over and I'm still like a child trapped in an adult's body and an adult's world. I can't ever get back those years lost to social anxiety, and I'm still nowhere near at the level in which I feel confident around people. Ending it would be easier.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I can't handle my thoughts and i don't know if i can last like this If had depression since 4th grade. I've been bullied and unwanted my entire life. I remember moments when my brother wished I was dead and that I was never born. I recall moments when my parents blamed me as a child for why there marriage was horrible. I'm alone and I have no friends. I have no reason to go on.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Gamers that have depression, how have you dealt with it affecting something that you loved doing? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
My life is literally perfect but I still cut and don't know why God, that title sounds really depressing. I don't like seeing it typed out like that.
I am a female in my early-to-mid twenties. I've been living with my incredible boyfriend for over a year. I love my job, my relationship, our pet, and my circle of close friends. My family lives thirty minutes away, so my BF and I have dinner with them every other week. I enjoy throwing small little house parties with three or four people from my friend group almost every weekend, and my BF and I have one date night every week. I'm a very bubbly person, I love being around people, and I feel several deep connections with the people around me.
I've paid off my car, put myself through college with scholarships, and am living debt-free. I don't make a lot of money, but our cost of living is so low that it's more than enough, especially taking into account my bf's job in the STEM field. I recently got offered an INCREDIBLE opportunity to live out my dream later this upcoming year. Like, literally the opportunity I've daydreamed about my entire life is coming up. (Not saying what it is for identification reasons).
And yet, despite all this, sometimes the pressure of work and friends and family and relationships just seems to build up and... I cut. I never used to cut growing up, I don't know why it started just when everything started to go perfect in my life. I don't know if my boyfriend has noticed, he's pointed out two cuts in the past but I played it off like they were accidents. They're mostly on my legs, and unless you're specifically analyzing my legs they're hard to notice.
This feels good to get off my chest. I'm not suicidal or anything, like I said, my life is perfect. I think I feel like I don't really deserve it? I had a hard upbringing, and I had to overcome a lot of shit, but it was always in pursuit of a goal. Now that I've gotten everything I could possibly ever want... I don't know how to describe it, but it feels like I cheated my way to get here. Even though I worked hard for everything, sometimes I just get so overwhelmed and self-critical that it feels like the only release, even though I immediately regret it afterwards. I feel like a fake.
This probably sounds spoiled rotten, which is again why I'm so self-critical. I'm very aware that so many others would kill for the life that I have, and that my complete lack of actual real life problems is a dream situation for most people. I have that objective perspective, but inside I just feel a torrent of emotions that I can't control.
Sorry this was so long. That felt good.
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self.offmychest
|
Conditioned to be unhappy Its a strange situation. Like an abusive relationship, i just cant leave, its like im conditioned to be unhappy
Im 25, i have $50,000 saved up, and i only need a few hundred dollars to survive.
Im absolutely in a toxic situation. My job is a stress machine, and im very alone. Depression and anxiety are eating me up. My parents put a ton of pressure on me and im finally about to break down. I cant get into TV shows anymore, food is mediocre, and i cant have sex with girls because i cant be in the moment.
So ive decided, im going to pay off my debt by 2018, and take a year off to devote to myself and my happiness. Im going to spend time away from my family. Im just going to surf, kickbox, travel, and live a laidback life until i figure things out... maybe work a part time job thats fun.
So today, ive decided, im going to make a change. No more toxic shit, no more enduring this just to have money in the bank. Its time to start living.
Wish me luck
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self.depression
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Do you still get depressed even when stabilised? As bipolar is a degenerative disorder as much as I hate to believe it, do you still get depression, is your memory, cognition getting worse even when you're stabilised.
I can't even think for crap. Meds have made me crap.
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self.bipolar
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Is there a way to get walk-through explanations of how to do basic life things like taking the bus? I'm trying to move out of my parents' house to a new city alone in the next few weeks, and I find its like really basic things that are stressing me out more than anything else. Number one is transportation. I don't drive but will be moving to a busy city with a public transit system. And that freaks me out more than anything! I've never really had to take busses. I mostly have social anxiety so the idea of going and approaching something new that everyone else there takes for granted and does every day is really scary to me. I don't need a pep talk or anything, I just wish I had someone to give me like ELI5 tutorials with steps on getting from point A to point B, dos and don'ts, etc. Knowing what to expect and what not to do makes everything a bit easier. I'm considering asking for help in a sub related to the city I'm going to (Mississauga) but I'm worried they'll be hostile or think I'm an idiot for worrying about something like this. I'm from a small town and I've been pretty sheltered.
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self.Anxiety
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Tonight’s the night I put myself back out there after you dropped me like a hot sack of shit after three and a half years of unconditional love, support, and sacrifice. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Probation. Felonies. Family Deaths. Mental Illness. what's next? How do I a life that seems to be going no where and seems like it won't go anywhere? I can't go into all the details. But put it this way, I've recently gotten into trouble. Trouble which affects me in many a ways. I'm only 22...I got in trouble when I was 20. I got in trouble just after my great uncle died. I feel guilty because my family couldn't go to his funeral because of me. While going through court proceedings, my grandfather became ill. Luckily he lasted until after the court proceedings but he soon passed after that. I have felonies on my record at 22 that will be there for life and will effect me getting a job and living a peaceful life. I've been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder with Auditory and tactile hallucinations. I have no job experience in my life at all...my chances of getting a job are slim to none. I just don't know what to do anymore. The only girl I ever truly loved quit talking to me months if not years before I got in trouble. The only time I ever really felt happy was with her and that feeling was new to me and I went and fucked it up and then went and proceeded to fuck my life up. I see no coming back from this. I have no college education, I do have a high school diploma but most jobs in that field are low pay and I'd be less likely to get it due to everything. My family and I always fight. I love'em, I really do, to the point that when I decide I want to kill myself I think of them first and that keeps me from doing it. I can't do it, because I don't wanna hurt them...but in that process, I'm just making myself hurt more. Constantly telling myself I'ma failure, that I'm never going to amount to anything. That I'd be better off just not being here anymore... "why?" That's always the question I ask myself when I lie down at night in a dark room. "Why did you make the choices you made? You're so fucking stupid, you know that?" The only way to get through the day is to occupy my time with...anything...anything that keeps me from my own thoughts...
What do you do when you're broken beyond repair at such a young age?
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self.SuicideWatch
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My anxiety Whenever I HAVE to talk to someone or ask for help my anxiety kicks in and trys to stop me from asking for help
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self.Anxiety
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Nothing ever works. Today, I got picked up from an inpatient facility where I spent a week because I overdosed on Lithium. I thought I had taken enough to end everything. My family had been on my ass all day about everything. I overslept for work, and they got mad.. like mad. I never oversleep for work, I haven't done that since the first job I ever had. They got my whole family together and called me into a room just to yell at me.. Telling me things like "this is a cycle, you're always going to end up back where you started no matter how far you get." - I actually believed it this time. I still believe it. I'm not gonna make it anywhere in life. I'm turning 23 this month, and all I've done is become a disappointment. This is sounding so whiny like I'm throwing myself a pity party, but I swear to you, I keep trying and keep failing. I was happy, I had gotten a new job that I loved, and now it's gone. I had saved up enough money to get my car fixed, I had been coping (somewhat) with a traumatic event that happened in October. But that night it just felt like everything was going from 100 to 0. My grandma broke the most important promise she'd ever made to me, and that really meant something. I don't think I can trust her anymore. I became manic that night. I took all my lithium pills. I became enraged and they told me I basically assaulted my grandma because she took my purse to search for any pills I had and I wanted my purse. I don't think I assaulted her, but I was super up there so I don't really know. I feel like shit about all of it. I violently threw up uncontrollably for like half an hour when my family forced me in the car to go to the hospital. I had to have my system flushed at the hospital, and when they took me to the inpatient unit, I had to get 2 shots of Ativan and one shot of Thorazine just to get me to sleep because the thoughts wouldn't stop. I was pacing the halls until 4am and organizing the day room, and picking up tiny pieces of trash off the floor. The whole week I was there I thought about how abandoned I felt by my family. They just left me at the hospital and went home to sleep like it was a routine. I didn't call them for the whole week I was there, and wouldn't let any staff call to update them. I came home today feeling the exact same. I can't sleep even with the sleep meds I have, and I'm still having flashback night-terrors even with this medicine they gave me that supposedly suppresses them. I've tried to kill myself before. I always know that OD has a low success rate but this time I really wanted it to work. I didn't know I would end up throwing up violently. Even after that, my lithium levels at the hospital were crazy high and I had to be stabilized to lower the levels. The past times I've OD'd it was more of a cry for help, but I have no one now, no one to talk to, no one I feel like I can trust. It fucking sucks. I told the doctor and the social worker I wasn't having any more thoughts of hurting myself so I could get out of there. I just don't know what to do. I have no motivation to start over because I've done it so many times, and now I believe that no matter what I do, I'm going to fail.
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self.offmychest
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Having problems finding genuine authentic friends. Having problems finding genuine, authentic friends. Thought there might be someone on this subreddit that feel the same and wants someone to talk to, be real with, and eventually develop enough trust to talk about their "stuff" and be real. Someone I could talk to regularly and maybe even call on the phone eventually sometimes to talk. I'm so goddamn lonely, I don't have ANYBODY to tell my stuff to because i have been burnt before and had so many so-called friends who've bailed on me. All the people I know I just have superficial relationships with- I don't really share my real stuff with them. No one invites me out for a coffee or a meal or to do something fun like go to the movies, etc.
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self.bipolar
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Why cant i just say what i want to say? Every fucking time i have to tell someone no i just get really awkward and can never actually say what i want to. I hate that im lile this, everyone lrobably thibks im a piece of shit. I literally ignored one of my best friends all day today just because i didnt want to say no. Why am i like this? I hate myself
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self.depression
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Third times a charm I'm ready to die, like, forreal. I can't cope with my psychosis anymore. I am ready to die. I've held a gun in my throat once, overdosed on pills another, this time I'm inhaling carbon monoxide till I sleep, then die. I can't bear it anymore. Life is not for everyone, and I'm part of that everyone. I very much understand that no everyone has it easy, but I wish you could understand what psychosis is like and how it feels to have your brain feel like there's is pressure being put in it and never being able to think straight or feel normal again. Fuck it man, I've tried so much and there is no solution, it's better to die at this point, just like when you put down an animal that is suffering. You put that animal down for humane reasons, because it was suffering a lot, and it was better for that animal to stop living, in order for it not to suffer so much anymore. This is the truth, as uncomfortable as it sounds to even me, sometimes you just have to let it go, life.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Manic at the same time, every year Does anyone else get manic at the same time every year? I think my episodes are triggered by my birthday approaching. I feel like I should know better by now, but I thought this year would be different.
On the plus side of things, despite spending thousands of dollars of dollars in a short amount of time, not rocking up to work and being a complete crazy bitch to my boyfriend..I am still employed and my boyfriend still seems to love me and understands I’ve been manic. The money side of things is somewhat distressing, but I’m lucky enough to have a decent paying job and have the potential to earn quite a bit if I actually go to work. I’ve spent over 10k and I barely have anything to show for it 😂 oh well!
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self.bipolar
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I quit. I'm a bipolar (diagnosed, type 1) borderline (diagnosed) drug addict alcoholic. I have been sober for about 6 months ago. Life got worse, but now I can't just get fucked up and black out. I'm tired of working a shit job to not make enough money. I have no friends and no family. I'm in a long distance relationship and I haven't seen my girlfriend in 2 months. I am NEVER stable, even medicated. I'm either manic, depressed, having a panic attack or hallucinating. I'm tired of fucking trying. Nothing ever changes. My life is a roller coaster and I want off. Life has kicked the fucking shit out of me. I'm spitting up blood and I'm ready to put a gun to my fucking head. I'm so EMPTY. Nothing matters. Fuck this shit. I quit.
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self.SuicideWatch
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The airplane ride Well first time really posting about my bipolar mind. But figured I’d mention it to see what others say. I don’t mind the manic phases, it ‘s the ultimate drug, but leaves my life a destroyed mess when I leave it behind. The depression isn’t bad, it gives me the time to catch up on all my favorite shows. What I can’t stand is the return to baseline. The loss of train of thought, and the airplane ride that tends to be cycling. It feels like landing in an airplane, you touch the ground and feel a sudden jerk and shake, then back in the air. That’s what I hate about this disorder, the feeling of returning to baseline but not knowing what mood and energy I will have an hour from now. I’ll take whatever damage the dissociations and the extreme phases cause over that feeling. Thankfully I know better and the medication numbs the ride.
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self.bipolar
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Just sad having a bad day I am 21 and pretty awkward but i can usually navigate social situation with ease, but I get these thoughts that just scream I am a loser. Ont op of that I can't drive cuz I suck and am trying to get my license just going slow. Car barely works, and I feel like a constant disappointment to my family. Scheduled my college classes today thinking I would finish the semester with my degree BUT NOPE my class advisers are as useful as I am which isn't useful at all and my schedule sucks too. I just generally am unhappy with who I am and how my life is at this point right now. I am only 21 but just feel like my life really isn't going to go anywhere meaningful. This was a loy to type out aand is long but I just had to get it out
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self.depression
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Everyone else is out there living and i have nothing. im so close to being done. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Does anybody ever have a really hard time saying no to people? How does one learn to say no? I must know.
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self.Anxiety
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I wish I could adopt you.. For most of my life, I have wanted to be a foster parent. I have a degree in early childhood development, and I was a preschool teacher for five years -I was the best with the "difficult" kids.
I no longer work in that field but I volunteer as a CASA, working with foster children. my boyfriend does not really like the idea of fostering, and I cannot afford to do it on my own (can't foster in a studio apt) so I've tried to make this be enough.
But there is a three year old I've been working with since he was born. He is now being moved out of his THIRD home, due to being "difficult" to handle. I have spent one on one time with him, taken him out in public, and witnessed Dr's appointments, and don't find him to be monstrous at all. He is just a normal level of challenging for a three year old with slight delays.
Part of me feels like he NEEDS to come home with me. Like the universe keeps putting this opportunity out there, because I am the best person to understand and work with him and help him.
My boyfriend won't even consider it, since we live in an apartment and don't have a great deal of excess income.. and it's not his kid.
He thinks I don't know what I'm saying, that it would be a lot harder than I imagine.
I don't know. Maybe I am crazy.. maybe I don't know what I would be getting into.. but then I did manage a class of 14 two to three year olds, for five years.
A little part of me almost wants to move back with my mom and offer to take the kid. She thinks I would be great with him. But her house is very old and not quite up to code.. and she has some medical issues that probably wouldn't improve with the addition of hyper three year old to her daily life.
And I do love my boyfriend.. we've been together for five years as well.. I've thought about having a family wi th him. I don't really want to break up.. even though it means squashing my dream/passion for helping kids..
Damnit, I wish he was interested in this. I don't want to see the kid go to another home who isn't prepared for reality.. and I really think I AM.
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self.offmychest
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You know your life is boring when you think watching Netflix is a hobby. i am so boring it's unreal. I don't wanna do anything other than play games and watch Netflix. Why am I sooo boring.
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self.depression
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I help others who are depressed, when I get depressed I feel bad for asking. Been a tough few months. I need some support. I can feel like giving up quite frequently but I wouldn't no matter how strongly I want to. Helping others helps a lot. It also helps to know I'm not alone. I find that eventually I am reminded about why I keep going forward. I wish that for everyone else here as well. Thanks for reading. Hope all our days get easier!
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self.depression
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How to stop Nervous shaky feeling pre-anxiety attack I sometimes (not very often, thankfully.) Get a nervous shaky feeling. I know I have a panic attack coming on.
It typically happens while at work at a daycare. Anyone have suggestions how I can stop it before it comes on full force. I can't leave my kids.
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self.Anxiety
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Why do I suck at suicide too you'd think after all the things i do wrong, this would be the one thing i do right, but no
ive never had a successful attempt
i always half ass it, or call an ambulance myself when it gets real
i have this stupid will to live and people always try and use that against me and say 'well clearly you're not as depressed as you say because you're still alive' and all it makes me do is want to die more but i just CANT
I FUCKING CANT AND I WANT TO
god if guns were legal id be dead so fast but the time involved in other methods gives me too much time to think but if i could just shut my eyes and squeeze a trigger like ripping off a band-aid, 1-2-3 go, and im dead, it'd be so much easier and i wouldn't have to do this fucking shit anymore
how am i supposed to do this for several more decades? i can't
i can't handle the loneliness and isolation, the constant thoughts and sick feeling, like that squeezing feeling in my stomach and chest that just hits me for no reason twenty times a day, just the fucking hopelessness of it all
i don't understand why i can't just shut my eyes and never wake up
and the thing is i KNOW id rather be alive and happy than dead, but id rather be dead than depressed and im depressed right now, but i still hope that one day ill be happy and that's what's fucking killing me
hope isn't a good thing, it's a fucking curse, it's bullshit. im going to spend the rest of my life feeling sick all because I can't let go of this fantasy world ive created in my head where im normal and happy
this isn't fair
tldr im a fucking piece of shit who can't even die right
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self.SuicideWatch
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Partner's adult son verbally abusive So my partner "A" and I have quite an age difference between us. While that age difference isn't an issue, it does mean that he has an adult son. His son "L" has a host of mental health issues for which he refuses to seek treatment. I wouldn't wish the neurological cocktail this guy lives with on my worst enemy, so please don't think that I'm not taking him seriously. I do. But I would take "L" far more seriously if he exhibited a shred of acknowledgement for what his father does for him.
"A" is a full time college senior who works part time as a carpenter and general fix it dude. He attempts to keep "L" in work because despite his issues, "L" is a skilled, fairly gifted craftsman. "A" transports him because "L" hasn't had a driver's license for ten years, and they often attempt to take those jobs together. But "L" quits the jobs "A" gets for him, verbally attacks his father for hours at a time and spent a good fifteen minutes on our front porch this evening kicking the railing, beating his head on the closed front door, and yelling about how nobody cares about his problems.
I literally can't make this up. It's a regular occurrence. He lives with us.
The only thing more heartbreaking than someone choosing to live like that is what it does to the people that love that person. I have to watch while "A" gets shredded over and over by this mess of a human being who for all intents and purposes doesn't give a shit about him. And because he is "L"s father, he's got superman syndrome. I know when you're a parent you want to move heaven and earth for your kid, and sometimes think that you can, but this is not one of those cases.
I've thought about a mental hygiene report, I've thought about calling the cops, hell I've even thought about leaving. None of these answer the need.
It just guts me. Absolutely guts me. I have to watch the man I love--from his very bones up-- get verbally mauled by the one person in the world that should appreciate him the most.
And there's nothing I can feasibly do about it.
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self.offmychest
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My psychiatrist gave me pills, then quit After being in therapy for a year, I finally decided to see a psychiatrist for my anxiety and depression and possible bipolar issues. I waited 4 months for the appt. I saw her for the first time two weeks ago and she prescribed me Abilify and Lexapro.
I was supposed to follow up this Thursday for the first time and I got a call saying she cancelled and resigned. And not only do I lose my psychiatrist, but I also lose my therapist of a year because I have to see a psychiatrist in the same facility (their policy).
So now I'm "homeless" and on an antipsychotic and depressant, both of which are new, and I have no idea who to contact if I have problems. That and I feel like I was making progress and now I have to start all over.
She left no plans for care for her patients, no other doctor. Nothing. I'm scared and lost.
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self.depression
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Nobody is ever excited to see me and it's really wearing on me [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Happy one year, everyone It's been one year since I've been hospitalized. Feels good.
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self.bipolar
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Here's to every one night stand I've ever had
And to every single tinder girl
I was willing to believe in
the long seconds on mornings
Of every long walk home,
Covering myself with only a hangover.
Suture me back together then die with me
Turn your corner and into this life
it was everything I had searched for
After all these years,
Finally everything shook
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self.offmychest
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Everyone I loved is gone, I can't do this anymore
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self.SuicideWatch
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Will I ever be with somebody? I'm so lonely. I'm 19 and I don't have a clue what a relationship feels like. All my friends are talking about marriage and I've never even had a real kiss I cared about. I didn't think I was that bad, I guess I was wrong.
I know there are people who go much longer without finding anyone special but I really hope that doesn't happen to me. I've spent so long being someone I'm not, and now I don't know how to actually be myself anymore. I feel so depersonalized and isolated. I need someone to tell me it's ok. I have so many deep problems and I cant talk about them. I don't want sex, I want someone who can hold me and reassure me that I don't need to die to feel at peace. I just want to cuddle and talk, is that too much to ask?? I don't even care who, man woman other I dont care and still I cant fucking find anyone. I can't even find real friends. I give up, it's probably too late for me anyway. Alcohol is the only thing I have a real relationship with.
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self.depression
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Seriously. Seriously dude. how the hell do i cope? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I lived through a horrific war in my youth and never told anybody about it. I don't know how much longer I can continue living a lie. Sorry for terrible english
Hello, I currently live in Germany, I have a girlfriend, a good job, a house. In general I have a normal life. But I have always kept a secret from everyone in my life and I feel as if my girlfriend and friends will eventually find out. I have been able to keep these things a secret mostly, just suppress them, but then I saw the movie Dunkirk only 3 days ago and it was just completely overwhelming. Let me give some context.
I was born in Iran, and when I was 12 years old, Iraq invaded my country. We lived near the border, and my town was swept up in weeks of fighting and bombing. My brother went off to fight and was killed, then at 14 I went off to fight. I didn't know how to read or write, I was, for lack of a better word, really uneducated, and at 14 they put a rifle in my hand. My memories of fighting were a blur. I have distinct memories, like when a grenade hit an apartment that was filled with dozens of people, or when I had to run a quarter of mile through gunfire, or my first actual kill. I was eventually hit with a shrapnel and knocked back, and had trauma and brain damage to my memory. I am relatively fine now, but it knocked away or blurred a ton of memories from the war. I have been to the doctor many times about this, they tell me I am mostly fine now. I remember the majority of the war, like I have memories aiming down my sights and shooting and I have memories of bonding with my brothers, but I can't accurately tell which and when these things happened, what year they happened or where etc. After the war I lived with my aunt and then in 1994 she went back to Baku, then we both went to Germany.
The reason why the movie Dunkirk hit me so hard was because it felt more real than any movie I have ever seen. I have seen war movies before, and I felt relatively fine with it, but this movie destroyed me. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. For instance in one scene they are all on a dock, and they hear a plane overhead and all duck. Nearly that exact thing happened to me, except on a bridge except for water, and we all ducked when planes went overhead. Or there was a scene where they are on a ship and the water is overflowing, it reminded me of a time we were in a collapsing building and I saw peoples bones crushing left and right when we ran out, or falling rubble just obliterate people into flesh and bone. The sheer fury of it all was portrayed so well. Little details like that stuck with me.
I suppose I really just have no idea what to do with these thoughts or memories, now that they are suddenly back. I feel a weird mix of anger and regret for some stuff, like I remember I had shake hands and wasnt able to properly give cover fire in a situation. Or like i dont know, but random memories where I wasn't able to fully save people.
I suppose this is the wrong place to complain, but I've just seen such horrific stuff and never fully embraced it until now. And now I am unsure what to do.
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self.offmychest
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I think my son's wii got stolen Edit: my mailman brought it at 8am this morning!! He said he wasn't comfortable leaving it outside yesterday so he took it back to the office. Bless him.
Also, maybe I shouldn't panic so immediately? Life skill to work on.......
I plan ahead for Christmas. I'm a single parent of 3, money is tight, and I don't buy gifts throughout the year for my kids. Birthdays and Christmas, that's it. And to be honest, birthdays were pretty skimpy this year. My partner left us and took all of our money and I've just been playing catchup for the last 9 months.
Well I found a console my kiddo could use. He's got cerebral palsy and while I know zilch about video gaming, he loves them. But, the CP makes it really hard for him to press buttons, so he has always just watched other people play games on YouTube. I found out in July that he's able to operate several games on a WII that we played at someone else's house, so I planned to get him a refurbished one for Christmas. They're pretty well priced on Amazon, I found a bundle with Mario Kart and controllers. Ordered it a few days ago and was so proud that I beat my ADD this time to have it in time for Christmas AND had the money to get it.
Usps says they delivered it today. I was at work when they marked it delivered. I got home 3 hours later and it's nowhere to be found. I called USPS to open a case and investigate and I'm crossing my fingers that they just didn't drop it off today, but I'm sick to my stomach.
We live in a crappy neighborhood and I am pretty certain someone would grab the box off of the porch if it was left out. I can't stop thinking I should've had it mailed to work instead; how stupid could I be? I just want to cry and scream and be sad and angry. I'm trying to have the mindset that maybe another person needed it more than we did, but the reality is that I'm surrounded by addicts who steal to pawn and use. I'm just so damn sad and upset tonight and feeling like I hate humanity.
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self.offmychest
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I was forced to go to the school guidance today. [deleted]
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self.depression
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no one actually cares my best friend said he’s only friend with me so i dont kill myself. he said our friendship feels forced. he says im too negative for him to he around. i feel like im being punished for having depression. no one can handle me or even wants to deal with me. why am i even here.
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self.SuicideWatch
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How do I get courage to commit suicide? I'm 21 years and old and I have never enjoyed life since I was born. I'm going to commit suicide anyways even if it's later but I need to know how peo people build up the courage to do so to begin with.
I have nothing to look forward to in my life and currently only life because it would hurt my parents. After they unfortunately pass away I will commit suicide. So what can I do to make sure it's successful and that I'll be able to go through with it?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I never believed this would happen to me I got engaged! I never thought I'd ever experience this wonderful, loved feeling. I never thought I'd find someone who didn't see me as a mental illness, and when I was manic wouldn't blame my mental illness for my actions. He treats me right, and treats me like a person. Even when I'm scream crying because of the audio hallucinations and depression. He's always been there for me, and now will be forever.
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self.bipolar
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Severe Anxiety Doesnt let me sleep Im literally crying over not getting sleep 😂
Like its bad already during the day
But at nights its unbearable, Super fast heartrate and its pounding for no reason
Wtf do I do ? Im losing the will to fight this disorder I rlly cant take it anymore
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self.Anxiety
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How do you cope with the boringness of life? [deleted]
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self.depression
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I'm about to ask out a really good friend of mine Well, my first post here and I just thought typing this down will make me a bit more calculative and calm. Long story short, I'm 20 and I'm from Israel. In Israel you get recruited when you're around 18 till you're about 21. The army is a place where lots of different cultures get colided together. I met this girl about a year ago, she's religious and I'm an atheists. I had some girlfriends in my days, and dating is not a new thing for me. She on the other hand, is from a family with 3 other sisters, no brothers, and she went to all girl school. She probably never interacted romantically with any man. She's not weird or anything, we used to really hate eachother as the year went by we gotten really close. We're friends now. Both of our service at the army ends in 3 monthes, and I really like this girl. Well to be fair, I don't think it's there yet, but I know after our service will end we won't keep touch, and she really interests me. She fascinates me to be fair, and I would really like to get to know her much better and I think can guide her through this gap of her lack of experience... at pretty much everything.
 
Well, the problem is she is so problematic with all these romantic stuff, I'm about 100% she won't give it a chance, hypothetically speaking she would like to date me aswell. I'm still gonna give it a shot, because what the heck why not, in 3 months our relationship will be over anyway. I've asked tons of girls out, it's no new thing for me, but this is... different... I'm still not sure how do I handle it. Should I ask her to meet up with me? (we never meet up outside of the army, it'd would be saying I want to talk about something important and that would be very obvious and I'm afraid it will scare her)... or should I just wait till I'll find the right moment when were together at the army? (weekends were at home), but who knows when that's gonna happen? and I feel like I need to ask her out right now because I can't wait much longer, im very impulsive.
 
Well, I'm sure things will be for the best. Was a pleasure letting this stuff off my chest! have a great day redditors!
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self.offmychest
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I don't what I expected I was crying myself to sleep again last night and I looked over to the opposite side of my bed. I don't know why I did that, maybe I was looking for someone to comfort me for everything that's my fault. They don't exist and will never exist.
I don't know what I expected.
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self.depression
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Im done....i just dont belong here anymore I want to die. For 45 years Ive been a scapegoat for my narcissistic mother. Since I was little she's called me names, manipulated me and anyone I go to for help, she belittles me, uses passive aggressive ways to torture me and physically abuses/neglects me as punishment for standing up for myself or my children.
Im disabled and depend on her for care.
She humiliates me based on my condition.
Do you know how hard it is to be dependent on someone who hates you ? Especially for personal care.
She does not ever apologize or hold herself accountable and she denies everything she does that's abusive.
She's convinced my son that im a liar and just being dramatic.
So now he has begun to humiliate me and belittle me as well....not as severely but still..she's changed his perspective of me.
My youngest daughter is forced to listen helplessly.
My heart breaks for her.
I know she wouldn't have to deal with this if I were gone.
Im terminal anyway so it just seems like I should get on with it.
I can't think of one person that is better off with me here.
I think im incapable of feeling joy at this powere and I guess I can't bring joy to others either.
So what would the quickest, cleanest and most effective way be to induce death in my sleep or painlessly and quietly?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Well, BuSpar amounted to nothing much other than giving me a headache and feeling Nauseated. Discontinued usage, not a fan of it at all.
Any other non-SSRIs for anxiety that work?
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self.Anxiety
|
Hospital time? When are you supposed to go to the hospital for suicidal thoughts? They've been getting worse. I don't want to die, I just don't want to live anymore. I have nobody that could help me feel better. I just want to take a bottle of pills and go to sleep.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I want to turn my life around but I don’t know where to start [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Friends? I've shared my problems with my close friends of course they were sympathetic about it but they never asked me again if i'm okay so i thought that they didn't care at all. Afterall opening up is pretty difficult so i choose to hide it. Who am i anyway i'm just a person that's depressed and suicidal my problems is not big anyway. So here's another close friend of mine who has a love problem and all of my friends are concern about her. I'm just jealous of how concern they are for her (by the way i'm also concern about her). Wish they would also be concern for me.
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self.depression
|
I've just been diagnosed with depression Disappointed, but not surprised. I'm not surprised because I've been struggling for years, not knowing where my place is in the world. Disappointed, because I will be graduated from college in four months and I thought I could just make it until I pass that.
It's hard because my parents don't seem to have any sign of reaction whatsoever. My adopted sister is driving me crazy and abused me. I tried to contact my bestfriends but they keep leaving me on read even when they know I'm desperately need to talk to people because of this.
I don't know why I am so calm about this. Perhaps it's just apathy. Perhaps I no longer care about myself. I just want to know my place, that's it.
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self.depression
|
Panic just started up again... Now it's almost as bad as ever. Can't sleep, eat, or concentrate. I have had 25 attacks in the last 24 hours. Breaking Down. Things are continuing to get a bit crazier for me after quitting my job. I think this increase in anxiety has come from knowing that I've got the whole job situation to attempt to figure out again. It's eating me up.
It started with a few mild (but sudden and unexpected) panic attacks. Once the kindling got going, I knew to expect more. From this point, they have progressed to a level of severity in which I lose my memory, fall to the ground, and vomit.
The frequency of these attacks is alarming, as well. I'm having 1-2 every 1-3 hours. They are making me so disoriented and tired that I have trouble accomplishing much after about 3 of them in a single day.
They started up a few days ago. Since then, I've slept about 2.5 hours of broken sleep per night. I know that's not helping, as well, but I have no way to address that situation.
I don't know what to do... When I start to doze off finally, I have an attack that jolts me awake (as well as waking up everything in my apartment). This makes me afraid to attempt to sleep, which makes me more prone to attacks. I just want some restful sleep... :/
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self.Anxiety
|
Involuntarily suicidal Hi, I dont really know where to put this post, but I feel like it is somewhat DP/anxiety/ocd/depression related.
So it seems like either I push through or believe my mind which flipped over 4 months ago. I seriously feel like since this has started that Ive been destined to suicide.
So my mind is so unbelievably destructive and I am severely depressed (very dark feeling), not that I dont want to do anything, rather cant imagine doing anything with these thoughts, more like intrusive feelings based on false beliefs. Basically I recovered from DPDR this year, everything is as it used to be except for my mind. It is so worn out because the 6 months of DP were too much I guess. It is so worn out that I could convince myself that I died when DP hit me in February. There is nothing worse than no symptoms but still irrational thinking. It recently hit me with massive bouts of hopelessness and suicidal thoughts. It feels like I shouldnt be here anymore. 4 months ago I thought suicide was an absurd thing (for me) and even during DP suicide didnt even cross my mind one single time. But now it feels like my worst imaginations came true and it is just pure mental pain. Everything about future is triggering the hell out of me, I cant picture myself in the future anymore without thinking (maybe I might have killed myself by then?!), it is so difficult to even hold the place at university, but Ive already decided that I'd drop out.
It all changed in July where I had ups and downs but in the beginning of August these intrusive bouts of suicidal thoughts (like I hit a threshold and the only way out would be suicide, because it felt so terribly painful, like I was destined to suicide) hit me out of the blue and I suddenly became paranoid of time and future... It is not that I dont want to live anymore but my mind doesnt. It is strange...:( So basically it felt like my mind decided: your life is over now. This feeling freaked me out and days have been a struggle since then because it seriously felt like there is no way out but suicide. Since August everything triggers the feeling that I should be dead, even my hobby: drumming, music. Biggest trigger: sounds hilarious, but it is the date. It seems like I hit some kind of threshold in August, since then, time triggers these suicidal feelings, like I am supposed to not be here anymore. Damn this is undescribable, even more than DPDR itself. Most strange thing:
IT FEELS LIKE I SHOULD HAVE DIED, SOME DARK FEELING WHICH EATS ME AND THAT I'D BE DESTINED TO SUICIDE! I have a really bad urge to feed in to these feelings even though I know Id made it worse... I really have no clue how to recover from this hell. It feels like the only reason I feel like that is because I have a strong belief that something has to die or that something is very wrong with my mind. Any suggestions?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I dont want to feel happy?... I dont know if i actually have depression. I always kind of thought i had it and my physciatrist would drop hints but wouldnt confirm it. And as i said i have weight loss problems and my GP said i could have IBS and i have issues wigh constipation.The past few weeks ive been veryyy moody not even moody, if someone says something to me i heat up and scream and i cry coz i get so frustrated.
I want to make it clear i dont want depression. I want to feel normal. Whether i dont feel depressed and i feel happy, theres something in me that just doesnt feel right. My mind is always just over active it feels. But over like a week ago, i had a lot going for me, good things. My birthday, events etc and i woke up one morning and felt like better. And my anxiety wasnt nearly as bad. You would think i was happy but i wasnt. This is what the post is about. I dont want to he happy. Theres this comfort i get out of being sad, like i know myself better i cant explain it. I feel like when i feel anxious and sad etc i feel cared for like people care for me but at the same tjme i feel worthless and weird and want to be normal. Icant explain. I know it sounds like i look for attention hut trust me i dont. I dont like tontell anybodg about this i dont even tell my counseller coz i dont want her to think im self- diagnosing coz i want attention ir something. I dont know why this happened i feel like my life is so boring and i have nothing goong for me when i feel sad and anxious its like a comfort of the way to look at the world. I wish i was just like everyone else and when i feel happy, im happy. Its like my mind doesnt know what it wants. When im sad i want to he happy but when im happy i want to be sad. This whole thing is starting to make me feel crap again and all my mood swings i just dont know whats happening to me.
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self.depression
|
When does it get better? I thought once I started moving forward in life again, everything would be better again. Everything that should and used to make me happy is meaningless to me. I hate myself. I can only criticize what should I should consider accomplishments. I'm moving forward again, but my mind is stuck in the past. I don't care about the future.
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self.depression
|
I'm withdrawing and I am getting worse... I feel like I have no one to talk to. Within my family only very few people know. Everyone who know either doesn't care or can't/doesn't want to be helpful. I only have 2 friends left if you can call them that. Neither of which I can talk to. One suffers from depression too but she manages to be super unhelpful and usually makes me feel worse (Yes I know I am a burden, thank you.). The other one is mostly the cause of my spiralling... he's also my ex. Last Wednesday I had a complete melt down. Including crying all the way on the bus into work. Crying and melting down at work until I went home about 5 minutes after I got there. Normally I'd tell my ex about this. He was until recently the only person I felt close to. But the reason I had the meltdown was that I'd had a nightmare that night that he told me he had met someone else. Now we have had a bit of a history with trying to get back together and generally we have tried more than any sane person would and it will just not ever work out and every time I think I am over it I just get pulled right back in. I realize the best way to get over it would be to cut of all contact but I don't really have that luxury considering I hardly have any people in my life anymore... I didn't tell him about the melt down and I didn't want him to find out but I can tell I am getting worse and worse. And I feel like I have no one to talk to and I just don't know what to do. I have another 9 days before I am back at work... I'm not sure how to get through it. Especially since I found out today I'll be spending New Year's Eve on my own and next year he's trying to get a job out of town so I will hardly see him anymore (my other friend lives in another country and so does my family so he is really my only human contact...). That and I feel completely lost. I am in a job I hate, I have no aims, goals or reasons to go on... I feel like I am constantly waiting for something that will never happen, like working towards retirement and then once I retire magically I will have friends, a significant other and be happy... and I really feel my clock is ticking on ever meeting someone (I'm 30 now...), which I have really kinda almost given up on as depression is really one of my lesser mental health problems... I'm not really sure what I am trying to say. I just don't know what to do not that anyone can tell me. xD Sorry! Just rambling I guess...
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self.depression
|
Woke up exactly when I was supposed to Hello, I wanted to share something seemingly small that, for me, is really big with you guys. Today I got up when my alarm went off and started my day. I never do this! I either snooze till the last minute and eat coffee for breakfast or, when manic or very upset, I was never asleep (and still usually have coffee for breakfast). But today I woke up, without a groan, did some dishes, made myself coffee, and breakfast! I even was asleep before 3 last night which is rare. I’m so incredibly proud of myself that I have tears in my eyes and I honestly think that this is partially do to the support provided by just being a part of this subreddit and therefore feeling less alone and being reminded to monitor my moods. Thank you!!!
|
self.bipolar
|
Know something is wrong but don't know what to do? I kind of don't really know where I'm going with this, but I'm going to try anyway.
I have never been diagnosed with any disorders or illnesses but I am going to be talking to my school's counseling center this week to see about getting some help.
I've written and deleted this post a couple times now which I feel is emblematic of my problem. I can't grasp my own life. Everything is so much and so hard to manage. I don't know what to do, and I don't even know how to describe what's going on.
I feel as though I can see what's happening in my life quite clearly, but as soon as I try to communicate it at all, it just seems to disappear. I have this problem in college; I struggle in a lot of classes because I don't know how to communicate with my professors.
Most of the time when I can communicate what's going on, my mind tells me right away that it's a logical problem that can be solved logically and that I need to just go DO the thing. Then I feel worse.
It feels like my life is a black mass. I'm terrified that I'm either going to drop out of school and suffer under my student debt for the rest of my life OR continue bumbling my way through school for ten more years and THEN suffer under my student debt for the rest of my life.
I don't know what to do or who to talk to. I feel alone like I'll never know another person again. I've always been an optimistic person who felt that in the end, that happy life I've always dreamed of definitely exists on the horizon. It's getting harder.
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self.depression
|
Take these meds and you'll feel better... oh but there's a catch. [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
How do you tell the difference between your episodes and your "regular" state? I don't know if I've been in a mixed state for so long, if I'm rapid-cycling, or what, but I can't remember feeling "normal" for more than a couple days here and there in the past year.
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self.bipolar
|
Job I’m unemployed and don’t know what to work in.
What do you guys do?
|
self.bipolar
|
[TW: self harm] Should I send this to my ex? So I dated this person for about a year and they told me/I had found out that they self harmed sometimes when things got really rough.
We’re not together anymore for unrelated reasons. In theory, we ended things amicably but we haven’t spoken in a couple of months, even though that might be because they needed space.
Recently I found this app called Calm Harm that is supposed to help prevent you from self harming, and I thought of them. Would it be appropriate to send them this just in case it could help them sometime or should I just trust that they know how to handle their own situation? Any input would be appreciated, thanks!
P. S. If this triggers anybody please let me know and I’ll take the post down as this is not my intention.
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self.depression
|
Does she like me or is she just being nice? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Just want to jump out of my balcony... Sorry for this post, but I feel sweet the idea of jumping out of that balcony. Fifth floor, if I touch the ground with my head I should die suddenly, isn't it? In that case, no more feelings, no more pain, no more confusion, no more problems, no more battles for arriving to a point in which I don't know how I will feel, and if I feel good I don't know if it will last more than few seconds.
I am tired. I am broken. I am again at my parents home after years spent in a project that was a failure and made everyone laugh of me. I have no reputation, I feel ashamed, I feel I have burned all the support I had in my life, the few support of people I could build. I burned it by taking having troubles in taking a major life choice, for not being a perfect person, for not being like they expected I should have been. I destroyed my career, probably I took the wrong path, and people had expectations on me that I could never met. I got everything wrong, did things without being sure about what I was doing, but I could not be sure. I was always unsure about everything, and felt always like a shit, emotionally and physically. I was always unhappy, and my parents blamed me. My mother was sick of me, everyone was sick of me. Everyone mocked me and some harassed me. I was a shit, I was a nothingness. Everyone criticised me and said what I should do. And got upset and used to say that I had to be in a certain way. I was the cause for people's irritation.
I could do anything about it. I fought, I took risk, and I arrived to the point that it was not working.
On top of that, people wanting me to be what they wanted, manipulating me, tried to keep me in their lives without asking if I wanted, and blaming me at every step I was taking towards making my life, and making it happy.
Today I am in my former room, when I was a kid, and an adolescent, and now I am an adult. I am stuck here at my parent's home again. I don't understand my father, he seems to manipulate me with his behaviour, I can't stand my mother anymore, with her paranoia, rigid way of thinking and her breathing down my neck, and critics "for improving" and "I am only saying the truth".
I cut my asshole "friends", who "loved me so much" but only if I did what they wanted, and never asked sorry for anything they did... but I was constantly asking sorry for what I did. I was the stupid one, the "poor guy" one...
I am here, I am lost, I dunno what to do, and I am thinking how sweet would be to fly, one single time, all my life in that flight, the air in my face for the last time. Everything for the last time. Everything. And then, the pavement. Done. Everyone sorry for me, my family destroyed, and who played the victim until today, still playing the victim and acting with all the other actors in this world of "humans", all playing a part. What's the point of all this?
Fresh air, cold air. One fall. And that's it. It would be so sweet, like going to sleep forever.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Going through eval, freaking out So I'm going through an eval for BP and I am really struggling with the idea that this diagnosis would change my life, everyone would view me differently and that I will view myself as a sick person. Even though I struggle with keeping jobs, friends, staying in one country and am depressed a lot and had a bout of what was probably psychotic mania (though I was sent to earth to heal ppl, God was sending me messages etc) I feel that this might be something that I can handle without the meddling of doctors. Some of my family members don't think that bipolar is real and that I just need to work on myself. I don't know what I believe. Even though what I experienced was probably mania I feel like what I learnt during this "enlightenment" made me a better person. This evaluation is making me really anxious. I would like to hear your stories on why it is a good idea to go through it, how it has helped you to be diagnosed? How can you trust your own feelings? And not feel invalidated by others?
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self.bipolar
|
Is there anything I can take to make me feel relaxed (long term) ? [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
RESEARCH - /r/depression/ Questionnaire - RESEARCH Hello,
my name is Eddy, I am a 27 years old 6th year medical student who is writing his M.D. Thesis on the topic of depression. With your help, I will try and answer the question of whether one should advise a fellow person who struggles with depression to visit internet forums such as this one.
I would be very grateful if you could devote up to 10 minutes of your time and answer 20 short questions.
I assure you that you will remain anonymous and that all answers are collected for the sole purpose of research.
*Link to the questionnaire:*
**https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLScbs7HzLXOcnLrx4UtrtKUn-92hwb6k6llF69S7kR3VqMtpiw/viewform?usp=sf_link#responses**
Feel free to leave any comments at the end.
Sincerely yours,
Eddy
|
self.depression
|
God I feel so much despair right now. I just need to write this out because I’m feeling terrible and just need a forum to talk to. I trust you guys a lot and you all have made me smile on here. My job is ruining my mental health at the moment. I feel like my coworkers are getting sick of my scatter brained shit. I work in a pharmacy as a technician and this flu season is ruthless. We have been totally slammed since the new year and there’s no sign of stopping. I try my hardest to be fast and efficient, getting people in and out. My coworkers told me that I’m still learning and not up to par like the other techs that have been there for 10 years. I’m also working 40 hours a week and doing 13 credits of online college. I’m enjoying college more than school but I have to do it this way. I just want to cry because I feel so worthless as well and even though things are stable, I don’t feel my bipolar is. Also it’s my time of the month so my sadness is magnified by ten fold. Anyways I just wanted to get that off my chest because I feel super sad and alone right now.
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self.bipolar
|
I wanna kill myself Idk why am I posting this I'm just alone tbh
A lot of shit is going on ,I've just reached a dead end
It's just getting worse
|
self.depression
|
The world is sending me a crystal clear message that I shouldn't be here It feels like everytime I'm trying to help myself, something happens that either scares me out of doing it or just acts as another barrier. But at the same time, this is all my fault for not trying harder and letting myself get to this point, and it feels like every trigger is getting more and more dramatic to outsiders looking in. I was gonna end my life today, then I thought maybe Wednesday, but I'm beginning to think maybe today would be best after all. I have people to reach out to, people who care about me, but I feel like I've reached out too many times, that I'm too negative and that this is my fault anyways. And I don't trust hotlines or anything that would lead to me ending up with a hospital visit I can't afford. So I might just die.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Old Problems, New Beginnings So I don't post here all that often, but lately I haven't been seeing a doctor besides my GP for prescriptions so I have little opportunity to just let out what's going on with my life.
I recently moved cities to move back in with my parents as I struggled to keep myself financially stable. This tore me away from friends and anyone I really knew. I feel the change has benefited me though: I'm less impulsive, eating properly, sleep well and have stopped drinking. I'm the most stable I have felt in years (although I generally just feel flat 24/7).
In the last few months, we as a family have decided to move back over to the UK as it's where the majority of the extended family is. The move is something I've wanted to do for a while now, but it still raises concerns that I need to address.
-Finding a new doctor/getting my diagnosis into the UK system.
-Being in the right mindset to work/study without dropping out (again).
-Being able to move out of my parents place again.
I'm thinking of this move as a new leaf for me; to regain my independence. I want to be able to go out and live my life without having to fall back onto someone.
I appreciate my parents for taking me in, I really do, but they don't understand my illness. I've tried to help them understand, but either they can't or won't. I tend to just hide it from them as much as possible and because of that they haven't seen the worst of what it brings out in me. I don't feel like me, I can't. It's like being in the closet again.
One more thing, I promise. This illness has made me lose trust in myself. Before medication, I was big on the whole 'making projects' and 'feeling grandiose'. I once tried to train myself to get into the Rio Olympics for cycling. It didn't work. Because of this, I no longer trust any interest I have in anything. When we move, for example, I would like to do a form of martial art for the exercise/discipline aspect. However, I fear that I will lose interest a few weeks after starting.
Phew, I really need a doc to talk to don't I?
Anyways, tl;dr:
-Lived by myself, wasn't in the best place mentally.
-Moved in with parents, doing better but feel like someone from the Neutral race in Futurama.
-Moving to the UK, lots of medical things to consider.
-Want to be independent but no longer trust my own drives.
Thanks for reading.
|
self.bipolar
|
Using your brain and anxiety? Any time I have to think about anything that involves deep thinking (math, science problems, etc.) I freeze up because I don't want to confront what's going on in my brain. I've found being "numb" is a great coping mechanism with anxiety, but ultimately fails when I have to interact in the real world or get anything done successfully. I'm in therapy once a week and take anti-depressants as needed, but since I'm trying to transition from freelancing to a full-time job, I've been going to job interviews and failing to use my brain "properly" when needed. Not to mention the added anxiety of it being an interview, I've experienced the same problems when I'm working the actual job. Just getting stuck in my brain. Does anybody else get this? I like to think of myself as a generally great problem solver, but I've been not doing well at it lately and it's making me feel horrible about myself, perpetuating the cycle.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Hello everyone. I can’t turn off the dark self-depreciating thoughts... could use some internet hugs from strangers. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Today I needed to cry But I was in a public place and I did not. I did not know the reason why I wanted to, nor do I know now. It is already too late and I am no longer able to. I think I have buried the guy who wanted to get out. Poor bastard.
|
self.depression
|
Can a good sucide note make my family accept my decision? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
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