text
stringlengths 39
36.7k
| label
stringclasses 5
values |
|---|---|
Why shouldn't I? Honest question. It's not even that I'm sad or hurt. It's just gotten to the point where I don't even remember what it's like to be happy. Or to be anything. Everyone dies eventually. There's no point to life, as it culminates in the same end for everyone, no matter what. I could see wanting to live if I at least enjoyed living. But every day for as long as I can remember has been the same. Struggle to wake up, struggle to get up, struggle to do basic life things. There's no more enjoyment in making music, playing games, doing things outside, solving problems, or maintaining friendships or relationships.
Literally nothing I've done for years has brought me happiness or fulfillment. It's not even that I don't see a future for myself. I'm doing ok in school in what should be an interesting, rewarding, and challenging field. But that too only brings tiring indifference. I am certain that if some deity told me for an absolute fact that the rest of my life would be like how the past 10 odd years have been, I would kill myself on the spot. The longer I live, the more it seems that I don't need a deity to confirm that for me. At what point do I just cut my losses?
I don't need encouragement or some kind of emotional appeal. I *want* to want to live. I need facts and reason. I can't feel, but I can think. I just need something to convince myself that it's worth it to keep putting myself through this. So why should I keep going? Why is life going to be any different in the future? How can I suddenly find happiness in things? I don't care how pointless that happiness is. I just want it. Otherwise there truly is no point.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm worried and don't know what to do I'm really worried that soon I'm just going to hit my breaking point. I'm just really scared. Whenever I talk to people about it everything is fine enough and then a few hours pass and i feel the exact same and nothing has changed for years. I dont want to die I just want to reset I really don't want to die i dont know what to do
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Hurt I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
|
self.depression
|
Got my first batch of antidepressants today. First major step towards self betterment. I know antidepressants aren't the magical cure all for depression but im genuinely feeling hopeful for the first time in awhile. It feels nice having some hope ya know.
|
self.depression
|
My life Part 3. Long read. Trigger warnings in thread. I need help... Part 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/7bnyih/my_life_part_1_long_read_trigger_warnings_in/
Part 2: https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/7bwjaf/my_life_part_2_long_read_trigger_warnings_in/
**WARNING**: The stories of my life are true and scary. Please do not read if physical abuse (ages 7-19) or threat of death (1 instance) bothers you.
**Characters**
* Jake: Me.
* Brian: My older brother. He is 3 years older than me.
* Andrew: My oldest brother. He is 5 years older than me.
This should be the last of it. Main things that are missing are the physical abuse I suffered. Sorry this seems to jump around a lot. I’ve never been good at writing. When I’m done I’ll link to a google doc with it all 3 parts in roughly chronological order.
----
**Age 17 – 18; Grade 11th and 12th**
----
After all the things that happened to me before this, I went on a desperate search for friends or someone I can relate with. It wouldn’t work out in my favor. I would make friends for a bit, but they would eventually just disappear from my life. We would always just end up never talking or seeing each other again. I know it was my fault. I got to clingy back then. It was my way of asking for help.
My 17th birthday was the 2nd worst birthday in my life. It seemed like such a normal birthday at first. I got a special meal, a few presents, and a cake from my mother. I was feeling pretty happy that day. The physical abuse was pretty much non-existent after I got back home from living with Andrew. I was hoping this would be a new chapter in my life and I looked forward to starting it. That night, I couldn’t sleep. It was only 10 PM, so I decided to go downstairs and play some video games in the den. It was Saturday night, and we had no plans for Sunday. While I was in there playing, I must have not put the volume down low enough and my dad must have heard. He came into the room and yelled at me for not being in bed and then punched me on the side of my head. He continued to hit me for a bit and then left. I went up to bed crying and bleeding. I learned that there was no new chapter in my life. This is my life. Happy Birthday.
In the middle of 11th grade I met my first girlfriend. We met at lunch one day and we found we have a few things in common. After getting to know each other over the course of a 4 months, we started dating in the summer before our senior year. This relationship was as much of a disaster as you could image. I was not emotionally nor mentally ready for a relationship. Surprisingly, this relationship lasted for 3 years.
Senior year wasn’t way too bad. My father stopped putting his hands on me. I was 18 and I could charge him with assault now. He threatened me, but never touched me because I always threatened to call 911 with my cell phone. It never stopped him from talking down to me though.
Near the beginning of senior year, I made a huge mistake. I stopped caring. I didn’t care about the future anymore and I just decided to live without caring about the future. I kept telling myself, “Who cares. You’re just going to kill yourself eventually anyway.”. I lived in complete disregard. I ended up getting my girlfriend pregnant.
This strained our relationship even more. We agreed that this was not the baby’s fault, and neither of us should take it out on the baby. We decided we would keep the baby and raise it. When her parents found out, obviously they were mad at me and tried to keep me from seeing their daughter. It didn’t work that well. My parents didn’t take it too bad, surprisingly. They just told me to work hard and I would be able to raise it. Mom even helped me learn to be a parent.
My son was born about 2 months before my 19th birthday
----
**Age 19**
----
These were the last major events of my teens.
The first took place on my 19th birthday and it is easily the worst birthday I’ve ever had. Me, my wife, and my son were at my parent’s house waiting for everyone to arrive for birthday dinner. Brian, my mom, and my dad were already there. We were waiting on Andrew and his wife to arrive. Me and my father started talking about some current events and it ended up in a loud argument. He started calling me retarded and other names as he usually did and I got fed up with it. I screamed that I was leaving and would celebrate my birthday without family. I left out the front door and my girlfriend followed, carrying my son.
Brian apparently seemed to take me leaving worse than anyone else. He came outside and started screaming at me that I ruin everything and hitting me. My girlfriend screamed, “Leave him alone! He’s just trying to leave!” Brian turned around and started walking towards her screaming at the top of his lungs. I didn’t know if he was going to hit her also, but she was carrying my son and I didn’t want to risk that. I ran up and kicked him in the back of the legs and he turned back towards me. Unfortunately, this did nothing to calm him down. My girlfriend ran to the car and called the police. He punched me in the face, put me in a choke hold, and started screaming that he was going to kill me. I don’t know how long I was on the ground struggling and pulling at his arms to try and get some breath, but eventually the police arrived and grabbed him and pulled him off of me.
They tossed Brian into the back of the police car and started asking him what happened. Another officer came to me and asked me what happened. At the end of it, the police asked me a simple question. “Do you want to press charges?” Brian just tried to kill me and I should have said yes. But I didn’t. I said, “No”. I was scared. He tried to kill me because I ruined a free dinner for him, what would he do if I got him arrested and he had to pay a fine or spend a few nights in jail? He would make sure to finish the job next time.
Second, my girlfriend and I separated shortly after my birthday and she took the baby with her. I still see him sometimes, but It is hard when she got custody and moved out of state.
----
**Personal Thoughts**
----
I think this is all I am going to write. After this, I stopped trying. I never tried to make friends. I only left the house for work and food. The world wasn’t made for me. It still doesn’t seem to have a place for me in it.
I never stopped telling myself I was going to kill myself one day and it has led me down some dark paths. I completely stopped taking care of myself. I am in my 30s now and I am missing most of my teeth due to not taking care of them. I have scars from hurting myself. I look much older than 30. I honestly just don’t care anymore.
|
self.depression
|
I've recently accepted that I may have bipolar I'm showing pretty much all the symptoms, my mother has it, and my doctor has referred me to a mental health centre after meeting with him and talking about myself. I feel like it'll be a great relief to finally know what is "off" with me, but it's daunting to think about.
What thoughts/emotions ran through your head at the point of diagnosis? I want to be able to prepare myself.
I've downloaded that Daylio app and here's my chart if anyone's interested
https://imgur.com/wtcDgkd
|
self.bipolar
|
Are you obsessed by suicide ? I think about it all day long, it's very very hard to think about something else. Sometimes when I watch a movie, I have different thoughts for 10 minutes, then I go back to suicide ... But the strange part is that it is relaxing for me to think about it, I'm less anxious, pressure is going down (even if it makes me sad) ... Are you experiencing something similar ?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
How do you cope when you're conflicted about going away for a few days and staying home? So I've suffered from anxiety for about 10 years now and it feels like it gets worst lately, more so with stress.
I go to a social gaming event (We call them LAN events) that I go to every year since 2011 for Christmas for a few days to see friends and play PC and board games and socially drink and I always come back having a good time but during it I can go up and down emotionally, this is the first event I've not had one of my best friends attending with me and the first LAN I'll be away from my puppy and my boyfriend of nearly 6 months, I'm stressed I'm leaving him with the housework and responsibilities of looking after our puppy, 3 cats and 2 rats as well as our messy house mates too, it's usually my job and I've lived with our house mates for 3 years where as it's only beena few months for him so far.
Getting a bit too much into detail but every evening recently I've been in a bit of a panic when I think about the LAN event and being away from home. It's only an hour away but travel back home is difficult.
In the last month I've developed a more severe case of anxiety that I can only call subconscious anxiety. It kicks off and it's not like my usual panic attacks, it feels 10 times worse. I can't breathe and mentally I panic at the worst possible 'what if' scenarios and almost make them 100% going to happen and it usually kicks off when I am over heated or the air is dry and I find myself panicking as a result of it or if I wake up feeling that way...
So I am worried this'll start happening at LAN as it feels like there's no way out at the time and I can't work my way out of it very well, I make sure I am either outside or somewhere very cold so I can breathe better. I'm also finding I have to distract myself completely from thinking otherwise it's niggling there in my mind. I admit that I rely on having a joint if I'm not freaking out about losing control too much from it.
So where better than to ask here? My Doctor isn't available until next year now and I worry there's nothing that can be done. I prefer not to rely on any meds either.
I forgot to mention that I also suffer from anxiety a lot more when I'm sleeping on my own at these events. I'm not sure why.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Is there a point in continuing your suffering when it has gone on for many years? If you've tried far to many pills, therapy, etc. and yet you still hate living...does it make sense to continue?
What is even more baffling to me is that despite how much I hate being alive every single day, working up the urge to actually try and kill myself is so outrageously difficult.
I fail at living, and dying it would seem.
|
self.depression
|
My brother said to never give up on a person with depression, but I’m not sure what to do. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Is a therapist even worth going to??? I really need help with my life, like I had a bad father in my childhood and I spent most of my teen years just trying to get away from the emotional abuse. Now im an 18 year old guy relying on using substances to make me happy, no gf and only 2 friends. Man my life is messed up, like im not happy at all. But I mean I wanna get to a point where taking a stimulant isnt the only thing that brings happiness. Ive had a bad experience with a therapist before who really didnt care, and he kinda made me dislike therapists. I really need help tho fr. So like is it even worth going the a therapist? Thx!!!
|
self.depression
|
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do For the past year, I have been feeling extremely anxious. Most of the time, I don't know what I'm nervous about; I just have an intense sinking feeling in my chest and it causes me to think bad thoughts, which makes it worse and creates a cycle.
This usually happens at night and when I'm stressed, and it also gets worse when I have lack of sleep. Because it happens at night, I am constantly staying awake until past 2 am and waking up at 6 am for school, which makes me feel horrible throughout the day.
My boyfriend is going through a rough time right now and has been coming to me for comfort, so I'm trying to stay strong for him, but it's sometimes really hard because I am struggling myself.
I don't feel like myself lately. I'm constantly feeling down and I've lost most of my appetite, and my friends have noticed that I've been acting differently. I tell them that I'm just tired, but deep down, I wish I had the courage to tell them the truth.
I do not like the idea of therapy or medication, and my parents have a stigma against people who struggle mentally, so I don't want to tell them. But it has taken a huge toll on me and my daily functions, and I'm not sure what to do anymore. I'm finding myself just not caring about things that I used to, and I am extremely stressed during the college application season among other things.
I'm meeting with my school counselor tomorrow, but I'm too scared to bring my issues up. I just feel like I need somebody to talk to, but I don't know where to go. I cannot do this anymore and need to get it fixed sooner than later
|
self.Anxiety
|
Actually.. I'm not happy, I'm so sad I want to cry like a child but I can't! I see people post about their issues on a daily basis, every minute a new post and we just don't know what kind of advice to give so we just leave their post untouched. Sometimes a reply is better than an advice. I'm drunk and when I'm drunk I go back thinking of my past and I just want to fucking die. I'm a monster and I always will be. I'm sorry for this, it should just end up as an rant but I think I'm going to kill myself tonight. I lost everyone close to me. But I wish best of luck for every single one of you.
|
self.depression
|
How to transition back into real life after a psych stay Title pretty much sums it up. I stayed in the hospital for SI and i just got out. Still feeling depressed but somewhat motivated to transition smoothly into real life. I'm finishing up this semester at uni hopefully. And seeing if my job will let me back. So how did you all transition back any tips?
|
self.bipolar
|
conflating bpd with bipolar (potential trigger) hi folks,
first of all i wanted to start with a content warning: i'm making assumptions about bpd that might come across as mean and dismissive. however, i know i might be wrong. **if you have bpd i would love your input, especially since you likely have both bipolar and bpd!** i would i am basing this off my experience with 4 different borderline people as well as reading online forums for bpd people.
okay so, i think it bothers me when people conflate bipolar and borderline due to the underlying nature of the illnesses. i've come to see personality disorders as a developmental disorder, in a way. it is a process of learning maladaptive social behaviors that CAN be unlearned after rigorous therapy. and by can be unlearned, i mean that the behaviors can be unlearned-- maybe you will always feel a certain way, but the outward expression of those emotions can be tamed. this, of course, may ultimately tame the entire disorder itself. bipolar, on the other hand, is a definitive chemical issue in the brain. too much dopamine, too little serotonin, glutaminergic irregularities, who knows! but it is responsive to medication in the way that borderline isn't because it is neurochemical, not behavioral.
what bothers me about this indiscinction between the two illnesses is on the fact of accountability. one of the commonly perceived symptoms of bpd people is a tendency to blame others of their illness for their problems. the "victim mentality" seems to be common feature.
i am not saying this is common to all people with bpd, nor is it necessarily unwarranted. a lot of people with bpd have horrible trauma. one of my borderline friends gone throug therapy and taken responsibility for her actions. she horribly emotionally abused her SO and acknowledges that. the other person (my mom) has kinda gotten better. she is more able to admit to her shitty actions now than before-- apparently a lot of personality disorder
symptoms lessen with time (which i imagine is due to people reinforcing positive behaviors in social situations).
similarly, i am not saying that people with bipolar cannot have a victim mentality. people can resign themselves to illness with any kind of disease or disorder-- my grandmother had chron's and she did this with her physical disease. but this confusion makes it seem like bipolar people are blaming their shitty feelings on X, Y, and Z because this is a tendency with borderline people. but unlike borderline people, those feelings are not a reaction to the environment, they are endogenous.
so, when people confuse borderline and bipolar, they assume that people with bipolar can *also* unlearn their illness and should take responsibility for their actions. now, i am a huge proponent of this mentality, but it has to be approached in a different way. people with bipolar can unlearn behaviors that exacerbate their bipolar symptoms (drinking, sleep cycles, etc). people with borderline unlearn the behaviors that *define* their personality disorder. it's the difference between unlearning maladaptive social behaviors and learning how to cope with endogenous shitty brain activity. and this distinction is small, but creates huge issues with public perception of bipolar. especially with the perception of bpd people as not wanting to take responsibility for themselves, it can make people with bipolar feel like they are "making up" their brain activity. i'm not saying that people with bpd don't suffer, but their disorder is a behavioral disorder that is based on reactions to the environment. people with bipolar can feel shitty (or too good) even in the most ideal circumstances.
as i'm writing this i realize how shitty it sounds. especially since brains control behavior, so if you have borderline you ultimately have a brain disorder in the same way that bipolar people do. idk, i'd love some input. this has kinda been bothering me lately because my roommate is borderline and we've had awful experiences where we've had to involve the cops. talking/being friends with her have made me realize the fundamental difference between our disorders and it pisses me off that people can even compare them. different playing fields completely.
**tl;dr: it's frustrating that people confuse bpd with bipolar because the causes are ultimately different and therefore people have different levels of control/different methods of controlling symptoms.
|
self.bipolar
|
Your cross to bare You cheated and lied and pushed away people that actual carried about you unconditionally. It sucks for you that your friends see it now but you never will until it's too late. You think these friends of yours that you make now care about you? No they won't when things go South people will show their true colors. You don't deserve us but like the great people we are, we will welcome you back with open arms. Go ahead be mad at me blame me for your life sucking meanwhile you did it all to yourself.
|
self.offmychest
|
Please, Please, Please teach your kids about privacy! I work in a middle school where these kids were born after the year 2000. These kids have trouble understanding what privacy/appropriateness is and a big part of it is due to growing up in the age of the internet. And honestly adults have this problem too as we often forget how easily people can find information about us. I've seen farrr too many adults air out their dirty laundry on FB for the world to see.
A post hit the front page of Reddit today as they always do. I thought it was a pretty cool post and thought the person who posted it had a cool username so I browsed their profile. On their reddit profile there were several pictures of that person's face, what they do for a living, what city/state they live in, how much money they make a year, plans for the future, personal/sad stories about their family, and even a few NSFW facts about them.
These aren't the worst things, honestly all of those are things my close friends know about me. But would you comfortable with everyone knowing everything about you? It's important to teach our kids that even on places like this where you can have an "anonymous" username, the stuff you post can be viewed by anyone and can not simply be deleted from the internet. If we think that just by hitting "delete" we are getting rid of this information/images from the web we are dead wrong!
Teach them that even pictures we sent through snapchat are not always what we think they may be. We never know someone will screencap a pic until it's too late. We never know someone will betray our trust until it's too late. Sending sexy pics to a SO is pretty standard these days. It's important to teach kids possible consequences of these actions, ESPECIALLY when it comes to minors.
As a teacher I do not think parents have these types of conversations with students as often as we should so I try to tell my kids to BE CAREFUL! What they post now will still be online in 10,20 years when they are looking for jobs.
TL;DR: Kids today have completely grown up in a world where it's normal to tell the entire planet what they're up to all the time. Teach them about privacy since young people do not think about their current actions in terms of future consequences.
|
self.offmychest
|
Being around people over Christmas/New Year just makes me worse [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I destroyed her heart I feel like trash, all i can do is cry, or when i drink enough im numb. It wasnt working out but i still feel distugisting. Pills dont work and the alcohol only last for so long.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Your biggest fear When u felt depressed ,what was your biggest fear?
Mine was dying without leaving any impact, without making a single meaningful connection with anyone.
|
self.depression
|
Life just keeps beating me down no matter how hard I try to get back up I'm 20, and I've been living with my mom doing absolutely nothing with no job for 2 years because my depression forced me out of University. Over the past year I feel like I've been making some progress finally, like being able to cook some food for myself or play a game every now and then, but my life just seems to be getting worse and worse. The first job I ever had was lost because I had a panic attack at work that was sparked because my mom was blaming me for stuff on the way to work, and when I asked for a break to calm down for a minute my boss said everyone deals with stuff. My mom just complains about everything and doesn't understand my depression at all. She always says I'm lazy and blames me for why we don't have any money, and for anything really. She doesn't want me around at all. I've had to move houses 3 times in 2 years, and had people I thought I could trust turn out to be no better than my mom, just better at lying. I always feel like I'm being left in the dark and deceived, not just recently but for my entire life.
I made a really good friend online and she's been super supportive, but she's been becoming more distant and we've been drifting apart. We used to talk every day for hours, and now it's severely reduced. She gets offended by little things like me giving a 'devils advocate' opinion or giving her advice and she goes silent for a few days and ignore me, and I'm afraid she's gotten tired of me, found another friend she cares more about and doesn't need me anymore, or I hurt her in a way she hasn't told me yet. And of course THIS is happening at the same time I'm being forced to deal with so many financial issues which cause me ridiculous amounts of anxiety, thus I don't have anyone to help.
I just...I feel like I'm losing everything I have, and whenever I start getting better life just throws me back down and stomps me down even further. I'm stubborn and a fighter, but it's getting so tiring, and I don't know how much longer I can handle this.
|
self.depression
|
Prozac-takers: how long til it started working for you personally? I just started Prozac on Monday. I also just got off Effexor as of last Friday, which was a Devil drug to me—horrible, evil, abominable medication. Did I mention it didn’t work well for me?
I feel better already. I am just curious to see how long it took others to feel better.
Disclaimer: I’ve already read online how long it generally takes, and I’ve even been on Prozac before, so I’m really just very curious to see if it’s more getting off Effexor, getting on Prozac, or both that has made me start to feel better.
|
self.bipolar
|
Took an emergency bath to stop myself from fast escalating suicidal thoughts. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Nobody Cares. Killing myself tonight. No reason to continue, nobody likes me or will miss me. Got the knife ready, just need to get drunk first so I don't chicken out.
Edit: Decided not to, for now anyway. Thank you to most of the commenters and those that sent me a pm, you are good people.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I’m thinking about you. Thank you so much for driving me to the airport. It’s a 4 hour drive. And you still need to drive all the way back home, alone. For helping me take in my luggage. For walking me as close to my gate as you could.
I’m sitting here now, waiting for my flight, and I’m thinking about you. I wanted to tell you so bad, what my heart has been bursting to say a few times now.
I asked you, “is there something you wanna say?” in between my giggles and our kisses.
I wish you would’ve said it, and I wish I would’ve too.
|
self.offmychest
|
Have you ever gone to one of your appointments drunk and/or high? That used to be one of my "rules" of things not to do, but rules are meant to be broken. There was a point where I wouldn't go unless I was high. This backfired on me last week when I saw my psychiatrist heavily influenced by a research benzo and had an emotional breakdown, confessing my suicidal thoughts between sobs. Humiliating! I'm very anxious to go back to this place after getting escorted out by a cop and B-B-BAKER ACTED! Smh. I have an appointment there tomorrow, was thinking about having a couple of beers beforehand to calm my nerves? Idgaf what they think about my alcohol impairment at 8:30 in the morning, otherwise I might not go. Thoughts?
|
self.bipolar
|
My battle with depression and today I have been dealing with things like depression, anxiety, bi polar disorder and other things all my life but the past four years have been rough I was dead in a car accident for ten minuets and my left arm was shattered both my ulna and radius were sticking out of my arm and this happened four years ago well my life since then has been depressing I haven't gone a day without smiling and then Monday I asked out this girl in my college class to coffee she accepted and we went to coffee she and I had a great time and she over that day and the next told me how kind and nice I was and I told her the past four years of my life have been rough and so I am glad to have her now in my life I have had no friends for the past four years and she made me happy well today she says I am coming on a little too strong and she didn't like how I told my grandma I met this wonderful person my grandma is 92 years old and I wanted to share this moment with her and so she says she is not interested anymore she texted me over the past two days how I am a nice, kind, and deserve to be happy and I told her she made me happy and I haven't been happy in four years yesterday at work I was happy for once and it took four years to get that feeling and so she tells me all that stuff today about not being interested and does a complete 180. I was torn apart and my heart shattered I went to work and told them I can't work today I need to relax my store manager is really nice and understands my daily struggles so I went to the hospital because I couldn't see my therapist and I felt like I was going to harm my self and so I went to my local hospitals ER and asked to see a therapist so it took the hospital 3 hours to get one to see me and she basically says ya I can't do anything so I am going to be billed for a ER visit and who knows how much my insurance will cover and so while waiting for the nurse to come get me into the ER this girl texted me because I told her that she had broken me and i said you told me I was kind I was nice and I deserve to be happy and you then proceed to stomp on my heart. I am at a loss for words and super depressed by this I was finally happy for one brief day in a four year span and I fooled my self thinking that I could be happy for once I don't know what emotion i should feel depressed that my life is still a shit hole? Anger that she stomped on my heart after saying all these nice things? I don't expect many people to read or respond to this but I know there is someone out there who has gone through something like this and they should know they aren't the only one if you took the time to read through this thank you I really needed to vent about this
|
self.depression
|
Im far too obsessed with seeing the other side to everything. Every story, every perspective, every feeling, every situation, every interaction, etc. I constantly force myself to look at *everything* in another way(s). [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
I just moved into this house with my boyfriend and him and his brothers and friend are over fixing it up. I don’t know if I’m supposed to be in charge of food or some shit. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Rant about anxiety meds - I've been self medicating with Benzodiazepines (Valium) First it started with cannabis, a very no nonsense substance at face value but ultimately terrible as an anxiety medication (currently). You simply can't dose this stuff appropriately, too much causes the exact symptoms your trying to treat and so does tolerance buildup.
Queue Valium, decided to self medicate trying for once a week. Now it's twice a week. Now it's three times a week. Fuck.
Time to take a break, take some time off and do some research, something isn't right about benzodiazepines and I need to know what... (nah it's just me with my messed up coping skills)
Take any amount of time looking at the benzo withdrawals list and it's sure to leave a sour taste, that shit is no joke. No other withdrawals are as deadly (other than alcohol)
The system that these drugs work on in your body is the last thing someone with anxiety should be messing with, the only way to take these things therapeutically is short term, which our condition isn't short term... is it?
Such an incredibly important and fragile system needs respect (GABA) and as soon as you throw that out of whack you've immediately doubled or tripled the amount of anxiety you could have been experiencing, unless you keep on the pill... eventually needing more of the same.
This makes me question, are the benzos worth it? I'm thinking fucking nah they're not!
These things are more abhorrent than opiates in my mind and I'm sorry for anyone who's been forced onto big dosages to battle anxiety, I believe you've been lead astray.
I'm mostly writing this in attempt to convince myself to flush the rest of the fuckers down the toilet, I'm not interested in losing months of my life tapering if I can cut it off now.
My only saving grace has been BETA BLOCKERS, I don't think there's anything better and safer than that in conjunction with therapy.
This has all been just my biased opinion. Take it as you will.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Someone help me sort my thoughts out I apologize in advance if this is incoherent or ridiculous. It's 6 am and I've been internally falling apart for the better part of the night.
I've never been exactly "in" with the crowd. Whoever that is. It's almost like I never existed and to those whom I did I was a negative splotch on the book of life. Now, I do realize on some level that isn't entirely true. I suppose my mother and father loved/love me (somewhat) atleast when they aren't disappointed in what I've become.
My therapist and family told me all four years of high school that as soon as graduation came that life would ease up and something would give. A girl would actually register that I'm human or fate would manifest itself and butterflies and rainbows n shit. Whatever. Needles to say it didn't fuckin happen.
Here I am a summer and a (nearly) college semester later. I had to drop out (was thinking about it anyways) due to being laid out in the hospital and missing too many days. I have since decided I'm not going back to pay 10,000 USD a semester for GEN. ED classes. There goes some social opportunity.
18. Never had a girlfriend. Not ugly, atleast I hope not. I stayed "well groomed", not creepy (I hope not) and all m friends are degenerates since I wasn't cool enough In Highschool and around here people never grow up from that shit.
What do? Am I just blazingly dumb or do I deserve the electric char or what. I guess I'm hoping someone can give me some direction :( I already know nothing will come of this tbh and I doubt I'll check it. Sometimes it just feels good to wallow in a pity party though.
|
self.depression
|
Is there still hope? I have been a steady emotional decline ever since what feels like my friends drifting away, today it's hitting me hard. I have been friends with these people for 7 years, and now I am in so much pain, I see so much gray and no light at the end of this tunnel. I have thought of suicide, but don't actually really want to die, I just want to fix whatever is going on, but really don't know how (awkward) or see it happening (sad, scared, hopeless).
|
self.depression
|
I can't live like this anymore Okay, premise. 18, gay, autistic, Pagan. I had an abusive father for the first 9 years of my life until he tried to kill my mother and the rest of us. Since then, I don't think I've ever been truly happy. There's always been something to worry about. My mother never made more than $15,000 a year, which is half of the poverty line to support herself and 4 kids. I've never had any friends, and without that money I don't really have any way to spend my time. I go to a special needs school where the staff actively bully and humiliate the kids. I get the worst end of it because they know I'm smart enough to understand what they say, and it impacts me more. I need to take an extra semester due to what I now know to be a giant scheme to farm funding by faking lost credits on standardized testing. I'm fast running out of resources that are willing to help me. I only have my therapist left, and to get to her I have to go through the school and I just can't do it anymore. The only true reason I have to live is my cat, and that statement itself is so pathetic it's pushing me further. Family disowns me for being gay. No place to go that's safe. People stop me on the street and threaten me for wearing my pentacle necklace. I don't feel safe anymore. I want to die by my own hands before I get stabbed by some radical Christian.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Mental illnesses are a fucking handicap when looking for a job. So much for equal opportunities. Unemployed for 1y+ now. Can't get into my dream career without being stigmatised for mental illness. Just because I place pressure on myself doesn't mean I cannot produce results in work.
Then when you look at disability benefits for people with mental illnesses, there's nothing!
Fuck me.
|
self.depression
|
Should i kill myself? I believe i will end up homeless in the worst case in the future, on welfare, or shitty jobs that pay low. Why? I'm autistic, i dropped out of school in my live several times. And without education its basically impossible to get a decent paying stable job. So will always be dependent on welfare. But i don't want that. So is there any hope for me? Or not? Unskilled work isn't a career. So should i kill myself because im disabled? (Autism) And will probably never live a normal life? In the worst case even become homeless?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
does this sound like bipolar disorder? Never been a fan of self diagnosis, I've always rolled my eyes over people saying they are bipolar when they were clearly not even close. But I've been thinking these days , why are my mood swings like that and why can't I control them?
I go through episodes of happiness and peace of mind and gratefulness and I just dance to annoy people and laugh and just smile cause I feel truly energized and happy
But then I suddenly feel like everything is pointless, and I find zero reasons to be happy and just want to cry, being sad, scared and angry, feeling so hopeless to the point of sometimes imagining suicide and I just can't get out of that mood, no matter how hard I try. I can't snap out of it. It just naturally happens.
I know this doesn't sound like having manic episodes but I keep looking for an explanation. Do you think these are just plain mood swings? Oh and I can't really go to a psychologist anytime soon. Bonus info I know that I do have OCD, if that could, in any way help.
Thanks a lot!! Have a great day
|
self.bipolar
|
4 days before Xmas I wanna be clear that I don't have now suicidal thoughts but I was thinking how serious it is.
I have depression since I was 18 and now I am 33. I am trapped in a life that won't change probably for the next 7 years. I am single, I can't even date someone and I suffer emotional abuse from my family. I found a reason to keep my sanity online. Especially on D/s relations. And today I was basically kicked by the woman that was my Mistress.
All started when I was encouraged to play and submit a guy. Then she - that was my Mistress for a little time before - took me back as my owner and they were co-owning me. Then I met the guy I will call Daddy. And I really asked him to be my Daddy (is a dominant position on D/s relations). He accepted and I was happy. I started to fall in love.
Fall in love is a huge trigger for me. Last year I found that the man that I loved - and we had to break because of his career - killed himself and I live with the guilt of never try to keep touch. I could try to avoid that. But I didn't. I never looked forward. I know is not my guilt, but I live with that.
So, I decided to allow me to fall in love with him. He is a polyamorous and I am a monogamist. I found later that they - Daddy and Mistress - were playing. I don't blame anyone, please no one think bad about her. They have this right. I should have stop myself before I broke my heart, But I didn't.
I was told a lot of times that In fear so much the idea of people leaving me that I push them away. And days ago I noticed that and I decided to give myself a chance. I told him tat I loved him and he said it back.
Today, she told me she was worried. That I need professional help, that I am not good. I agree. I have all of this in my life and something that was supposed to help me started to hurt me. Was my breaking point. Last night I had insomnia and I decided to be less connected. But the way she was talking to me, I loved her so much, I was broken. Totally broken.
I told her that I would disconnect until I feel so. She only said "I approve". I didn't say anything, but being my Mistress or not, she didn't have to approve it. I was taking myself out.
Now I am thinking.... 4 days before Xmas. Is such a special date for me. People think they are helping, but sometimes this is the kind of thing that pushes us to suicide.
I deleted my account, my apps. I am only on Reddit cause I won't leave my performances here (I am a performer, I make porn audios). I stop talking to people but I did say "I am on reddit if someone wanna talk".
Did someone ask? NO.
"Daddy"? ""Master"? They gave the hugest FUCK they could. And I am mad at myself cause I kept saying "You NEED to give a chance to love people. You need to stop pushing people. They won't leave. Believe!"
And then I just saw how I fooled myself.
I don't wanna give any fucking chance to love anyone anymore and there is no such bullshit as "Ph but someday someone will" oh FUCK SOMEONE SOMEDAY go to hell this stupid Hollywood Idea. Is busslhit, is a fucking lie. Some people get someone, some don't and give fake hopes is the most cruel thing someone can do.
Fuck them. No one gave a damn even to ask if I was ok. Now I really don't want them writing for me. Fuck all.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I finally thought that I was passed my suicidal thoughts, but I seriously considered killing myself today. I don’t think I can handle going downhill again. I’m sorry [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Is it normal to have panic attacks in your sleep?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Cancer? Found a lump. Cant relax nothing will work. PLEASE somebody reply... [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Reality compared to dreams? Does anyone else here have really vivid dreams that make you really happy and you feel that you've beat depression. Then you wake up, realize you just conjured up the whole thing and imagined it in your head, and you have not overcome depression at all. Only stewed the whole thing.
Just happened to me. Thought I could be happy, only to be kicked in the head and punched in the gut. Fuck you brain. Thought everything was fine just once.
|
self.depression
|
I just dont know what to do... Hi, I'm 21 and I browse this subreddit for about a month. After some time I finally decided to post
I dont know if I'm depressed but I feel like I am. I always had troubles with trying to be social or prefered to stay at home instead going somewhere with friends. Always felt down but I somehow could live with that. Also when everyone was getting a vacation jobs I couldn't. I was too afraid. Sometimes I didnt eat because place was full of people or I was too scared of standing in queue or ordering.
This year has been disaster/breakdown. Everyday I wake up, Im afraid. Afraid of my life, afraid of going outside, afraid of leaving my room. I don't feel happy at all. Sometimes I get random panic attacks and start to cry. Can't focus on studying, I lost interest in the degree(if i ever was interested). Never had suicidal thoughts in my life, but now Im starting to think more and more about it. I just want to cry.
I'm in college for 3 years now(I'm on 2nd year because I had to repeat 1st one also because of mental problems) and I feel like I dont want to continue it. I was thinking about changing into IT studies close to my hometown for about 1,5 years but I'm afraid of what my parents will say. They wouldnt understand. I tried to tell my mom back ago that I may have some issues with my mental state, but she just said that Im fine because what I would do is just stay in my room doing nothing. And thats what Im doing recently. And my dad, I dont even want to think about it. Im afraid he would kick me out of the house. Also never had girlfriend, never had a kiss, never hold someones else hand.
I had hobbys years ago. I loved to play instruments, loved reading books. Its all gone now. I cant enjoy anything. Now I just play FFXIV to escape my reality. I lost much weight recently as well. I eat 1 or 2 meals a day now and its small portions. Im hungry but my body just refuses to eat. Also Im noticing more and more gray hair. I would love to get some consultation with psychologist or something. I remember always saying that "depression is just your imagination, just be happy" - I apologise. Now I know how stupid I was.
Sorry for taking your time. For most of you this might be stupid problems but I feel better after writing this. I cried whole time writing this.
|
self.depression
|
New Favorite Coping Skill I'm in the first few weeks of a break up and I've been doing pretty well but last night I got really overwhelmed by emotion out of nowhere and started sobbing. All I wanted to do was call him, but instead I texted a friend and told her to send me pictures of her one month old daughter. The second her little face popped up on my screen I smiled. By the third picture I'd stopped crying completely. Who can be sad looking at a smiling baby?? So many of my friends' Instagrams are full of their cute babies' pics I'll never run out of pictures, I think this will be my new go to pick me up.
|
self.bipolar
|
Something insightful and positive I am an undergrad in my second year in college, a place designed to let you explore who you are what type of person you want to be. It's honestly terrifying the amount of autonomy students like myself have. But it's for good reason: everyone reminisces over its powerful ability for self discovery. Yet in all my conversations with graduates, no one actually talks about how to get there. And now I understand why: because to be whoever you want to be, you NEED TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF and that person you want to become. When you do that, the world is your oyster.
I attempted to embody this throughout the semester. In the beginning it felt forced, but overtime it became extremely natural. The semester just came to an end. Here is what I managed to do:
-Received a 4.0, the first of my in my entire life
-Landed a phenomenal high-paying on campus job
-Entered into my first relationship
-Made new friends
-Rekindled old relationships
As the year comes to a close, perhaps it's best for you to evaluate where you are now and where you want to be in 12 months. Anything is possible--you just need to believe in yourself.
So yeah, I wanted to get that off my chest.
|
self.offmychest
|
Am i empty inside? I can't explain my mind, I never can and doubt I will, I feel empty. I should not but I do, I have a loving family and live with a amazing woman that loves me (not that I understand why) but I feel empty... Hollow all the time... Nothing fills the void.... I feel I cant tell any one I love that despite knowing I am loved and cared for I feel empty.... I feel alone... I wish I could not be empty
|
self.depression
|
I'm failing Everything is a blur and my teachers are saying I should be dropping a subject but then I can't get into university and I'm just so stressed and so sad and I can't even get out of bed in the morning because I just can't face it.
|
self.depression
|
My meds make me drowsy, what time should i take them to fit my new schedule? I’m sorry this is kind of long, I don’t know how to explain this well, but appreciate any help.
The thing with my meds is that they make me very drowsy/sedated during a certain time-frame. my psychiatrists lets me periodically choose what time of day I take my meds, but I have to stick to that change, long-term, and can't flip flop.
The problem: over the previous fall, all of my important stuff fell between 8 am and 6 pm, so taking meds in the afternoon and being drowsy didn’t interfere with that stuff. but now my winter schedule is all over the place, i have commitments BOTH early day and late afternoon stuff through out the week.
And the way my meds are, THERE WILL BE A TIME-FRAME that I feel sedated and struggle with doing things.
a) If I take my meds around 9:30 pm I get hit by the fatigue around 12 am, which is great because i sleep through that, BUT I FIND IT IMPOSSIBLE TO WAKE UP before 11 am, and feel really drowsy mid-day (which messes with day classes, and day shifts)
b) If I take them early around 5:30 pm I wake up normally at 8 am., don’t sleep in, and am energized during the day up until 7 pm. BUT l struggle to stay alert during afternoon shifts and afternoon classes, which continue after 7 pm
I’m in a tight spot because I have to choose being able to handle different responsibilities, that fall between different time frames. I have to decide on either to be a) night owl or b) early bird to fit my winter 2018 schedule, and something is bound to suffer for it. what do i do?
|
self.bipolar
|
How to stop constant sweaty hands i get this issue often, i just have to think about something and i will start sweating on my hands, its embarrassing if i have to shake hands at an interview or something
it can even happen for something as small as reading a email that is important. any advice on how to stop?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm on the edge I'm so afraid. I can't stop the thoughts. I could do it. I could hang myself right here in my room
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Is this possible? Is it possible to cycle between manic and hyoomanic repeatedly without any break between? For the past month or more I've felt like I've been various levels of manic or hypomanic. Everywhere from feeling super productive and getting stuff done, to being way overwhelmed, bordering psychosis, I apparently talked my SOs ear off this morning about eggs for like an hour. An hour of rambling about it, and now I'm locked in a room because everything just randomly got super intense and fast and weird while I was playing with my kids.
|
self.bipolar
|
Best books for Anxiety? I'm going to have to stop going to therapy soon for financial reasons. Reading self-help books always helps me. Any recommendations on good self help books that help you overcome anxiety?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Sorry for this rant *I apologise for my poor grammar*
Whenever I talk to my friends or anybody, they always give off a vibe of "will you just shut the fuck up already." I always struggle to keep conversations going and I always seem to stutter and have HORRIBLE voice breaks all the time.
Whenever I make a small mistake, like misreading a word, my mates just start yelling at me "Wow, you're such a idiot!" Or "Oh my god you're so fucking stupid!" This happens every day and they think I can take all their shit, but I just can't and it really hurts.
My parents and friends constantly tease me for being lonely and not having a girlfriend, (I'm 15 so I dont think its necessary to have a girlfriend at my age, but having a girlfriend would be nice). Whenever my mates are talking about relationships they deliberately exclude me because they think that I "dont know how it feels" or whatever.
There's this girl in my class, and she's really pretty and funny and her laugh is so cute. She flirts with me in class and at lunch and reccess, we hold hands and hug and laugh at each others jokes, I REALLY enjoy spending time with her BUT I'm pretty sure she just flirts with me as a joke, obviously i hope she isn't just joking but im pretty sure she is. And even if she did like me I don't know what to, like do i ask her out or not and even if she did say yes, (don't know why she would), I wouldn't know what to do because I've never been in a relationship before.
|
self.offmychest
|
Feeling anxious, went 2 time to the psychiatrist, suggested medication, anxious about the side effects. Advice needed. I'm new to this subreddit, and I assume there are gazillion of posts like these. I feel anxious and get regular panic attacks, and get frustrated easily, have problem with alcohol, and regularly seeing a therapist. For instance, 2 weeks ago I couldn't peel an avocado (it wasn't ripe), and started furiating about it, that my BP went to 160/100 and hr ~120 (all my cardio metrics are fine usually), so I ended in ER. I got prescribed Escitalopram 10mg (first week 5mg). I read the side effect and they are numerous to say the least. Like one cited, long lasting erection that might end up badly (it not working ever again). Should I just say 'f it' and start taking it? I feel like I need and and at the same time terrified of the side effects.
Please, give any form of advice. You definitely understand how helpless I feel.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Talking to a girl with Bipolar disorder, suddenly became cold/uninterested? Hello,
Not sure if this is right place to post this but I'm(23m) looking for some advice with a new girl(22f) I'm talking to. I met this girl and we hit things off pretty well, had deep meaningful conversations, went on a few dates all went well and she even invited me to spend the night a few days ago (nothing sexual just cuddled and went to sleep). She told me that she had bipolar disorder as well as OCD during one of these conversations, coming from someone who has had past relationships with girls who were depressed, adhd, ptsd, as well as being an RN i have an idea of what im getting in to despite no first had experience dating someone with this disorder. Whats important to me is we had what i felt was a natural strong connection to each other.
The thing is after I spent the night, we spent two days talking about how great it was and can't wait to hang out again. Now suddenly the past few days she is making excuses to not hang out and just doesn't seem interested anymore in our conversations. I know it's nothing I could of done wrong our last date went great and nothing stood out in our texts that indicates anything, just a slow gradual switch to disinterest, conversations not as deep replies taking longer ect. My question is i understand some people just lose interest for various reasons that I will never end up knowing why, so is that this case? Should I just cut my loses and move on? Or is it possible she is just in a depressive state, should I be patient and understanding, will she come back out of this eventually and show interest again? Should I just be straightforward and ask her what's going on?
I know there is no way anyone can truly know this but her but I'm just looking for thoughts and advice and whether anyone has dealt with something similar or know what she might be going through.
|
self.bipolar
|
I don't think there is any point in living anymore. My life is so fucked because of depression, that i don't think i will have better life in future.
|
self.depression
|
I'm think my little brother is turning into an incel and don't know what to do [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Wow saved my life today if i had not deiced to play world of Warcraft this morning, this post would not have been made. I'm so glad that i got on today. i found out that this game is my light in the vast dark world. all the great friends i have meant on this game i can not thank enough. they have given me the reason to live. when i play this game i don't feel like i am me(if that makes sense) i can be who ever i want to be. i don't have to be a depressed piece of shit. i can be a normal person. even if i'm not having the best of days, i can just get on and forgot what happened and just play. i'm sorry for this post, i just wanted to let this out. thank you all for listening.
|
self.depression
|
"Life is a struggle" You have to be powerful to have less of a struggle
|
self.depression
|
Had my first visit with my new doctor... I like her. She listened to me, she was able to look up my previous medications which is something my last doctor never did. Apparently between 2010 and 2013 my psychiatrist at the time had me on virtually all the Bipolar medications but not long enough to know if they worked. I don't really remember this at all, but I remember being constantly given new pills.
So she's going to taper me off the Depakote once my health insurance kicks in on Dec 1 and start me on Abilify and Lithium instead. I've got high hopes that maybe I'll get some relief from all this cycling! Has anybody ever been on this combination? I know everyone is different but any side effects I should be aware of?
She's also going to get me in with a real psychiatrist so I won't be dependent on just a general practitioner for my medication, again something my last doctor didn't do.
|
self.bipolar
|
How to combate Latuda drowsiness? I took Latuda 1 year ago and I was at 40mg, but it made me very, very drowsy. Lowering the dose wasn't an option for me since 20mg wasn't helping with depression. I really needed the 40 -- and it helped A LOT -- but the drowsiness was why I discontinued it.
Well, I'm thinking about going back on it. I'm taking Rexulti and I love it because it's helped me so much, but my insurance won't cover it "because it is not marketed for bipolar disorder". It's bullshit, I know. So I'm living off Rexulti samples and I'm mentally preparing for Latuda in case the Rexulti insurance appeal gets rejected.
ANYWAY, Is there anything you can do about the Latuda drowsiness? I got it even at 20mg. I'd take 40mg with dinner at 8pm, pass out by 9pm, and wake up at 7am feeling groggy! It was as bad as Seroquel for me.
|
self.bipolar
|
Today was hard. But i decided to share. Give it a read, tell me what you think. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
You ever realise people say they are there for you but [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Ending 2017 alone, which is how I’ve felt all year long Just the thought of 2018 fills me with dread.
|
self.depression
|
Permanent Solution The next sorry excuse for a piece of shit that says that suicide is a "permanent solution to a temporary problem" might just get taken along with me. It's not one problem, or two problems, or three problems I'm dealing with: I am besieged by problems. Every fucking where I look I'm inundated with them. Problems I have no solutions for and have run dry on ideas.
I can't help but think of wartime. If everything you know of the enemy is that they have no mercy, that they are ruthless, and that they will do nothing but torture you, and you find yourself surrounded by them, history shows us that people in such a situation would often choose to take their own life rather than suffer such a fate.
Back to us, today. A permanent solution to all of my problems sounds pretty fucking nice. If you could find a way out of such a situation, I believe you would have found a working cure for over 80% of suicide. Until then, you can cram your platitudes up your fucking ass.
|
self.depression
|
I keep telling myself it will get better but I am afraid it may not. Help. In advance, sorry for the vent, I just needed to get this out somewhere, and you guys are like family to me.
I have been having a lot of issues with emotions in the past 2 months or so, and they are rooted in my social anxiety. I can't talk to people very well, I have very few "friends" (mostly just people that I play CS with or run with and will talk to then, but never outside of it. Acquaintances, if you will), and am completely hopeless when it comes to speaking with girls. It started back when I [screwed up with a girl](https://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/comments/7auqky/i_missed_a_chance_i_will_never_have_again_and_i/). So that messed me up, and I told myself that I would get better. I became really optimistic about being able to talk to people. I was changing my life style ever so slightly to make myself appear less introverted. I was certain that that was the last major mistake I would make, and it would be the turning point.
I was wrong.
I still continued to avoid social interaction, as much as I needed it. I didn't really notice for a bit, but then I realized that I was equally as much of a loser as before.
My main problem, I discovered, is that I refuse to initiate anything. I just expected people to walk up and talk to me, the change in my confidence levels would have (theoretically) allowed me to at least continue in conversation instead of just pulling the trash that I did during the earlier story with the girl. This whole concept comes into play much more later. So nothing actually changed.
I then remembered that I would have an excellent opportunity in the very near future.
I was going on vacation. This was great for me, as I knew that other than a very, **very** slim amount that wouldn't even remember, I would never see any of the people there again. I made a promise with myself. I was going to talk to at least one girl, and at least attempt to get her snapchat/number. I was unbelievably excited that I would have this chance. You can already see where this is going.
I failed my one challenge. I had a week, and had at least a thousand chances (probably many more), to talk to a girl that was roughly my age and was decently attractive. And I didn't take a single one of them. The closest I got was I smiled at a girl on a bus, she smiled back (not even an awkward smile, she was blushing), and I never did a thing about it.
I have also been daydreaming a lot about a better life. I constantly (especially while I was running) imagine a life where I have friends, have fun, talk to girls, and am genuinely happy. These, to an extent, make me happy for short periods of time, as I forget, for a brief moment, about how much I hate the reality that I live in. This probably just makes it worse as I do more of that than actually socializing, so I can't make any of those dreams real.
I can't keep living like this, it hurts. I watched as people laughed and had fun together while I sat alone. I watched thousands of happy couples walking around and enjoying themselves, as I just thought to myself that I could be in a similar situation if I was not as socially inept. I cried myself to sleep the night I got back, as I knew that I would not have a chance like that anytime in the next 3 or so.
I told myself that I would be better next time that I went on vacation, and that I would be able to walk around with friends and/or a girl friend. But as I have broken every single one of my challenges to myself, and am still at square one, I highly doubt that I will. I have been basically alone since my life started going down the toilet roughly 2 years ago, and have been pretty depressed for most of the time during those 2 years, but only have recently been feeling lonely. More and more of my "friends" go out and do stuff more and more often, and I never feel capable of going and doing anything with them, as while I can talk to the individuals of the groups, I never felt I quite fit in with the groups themselves.
I just need to be able to start conversations, once I get to that point, I think I can go from there. But I am not strong enough to get up that step yet.
Once again, sorry for the rant, you guys have helped me in the past and I feel much more at home in this community than in r/depression or any of the other ones.
**tl;dr** ~ I told myself I would get better at talking to people after failing miserably with a girl. I didn't get better, but I was going on vacation. Told myself that I would talk to girls there, but didn't. I need to know how to initiate conversation with strangers as the people I know already probably think I am too weird or something.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Why cant I just fuck off and die? IVE HAD ENOUGH.
I cant take any more physical pain. Death seems Utopian.
|
self.offmychest
|
My own happiness just makes me want to die [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Having trouble sleeping/anxiety upon awakening For the past two days, I haven’t been able to sleep well. I can’t fall asleep, can’t stay asleep, and when I do finally sleep, I wake up flustered and sweaty. (Eww.) I usually get up at 4:30, go to the gym, get ready and go to work, but the past two days I just...can’t. When I wake up, I feel nauseated, my heart is pounding, I’m sweaty and shaking.
Yesterday, I thought maybe I was coming down with something (like a cold or even food poisoning), so I said fuck it, I’ll sleep in one day. But I couldn’t go back to sleep. I finally forced myself up and got going. So I figured I would work extra hard yesterday, go to bed 20-30 minutes earlier and it would be better. Same damn thing last night.
Any suggestions? My room is totally dark and quiet. I get off my phone/tablet 45 minutes before I want to sleep, get a quick shower, do some journaling or reading, listen to white noise or guided meditation. All the stuff you’re “supposed” to do. I’m not currently in any medication (thanks, shitty insurance!) so it’s not a side effect from anything. Any help would be appreciated.
|
self.depression
|
23(M) going through family divorce and I relapsed I’ve dealt with depression and attempted suicide a few times in the past. I have stopped after thinking about my family, and it helped me through it for awhile, until my family started fighting again. Throughout the years I’ve had been patching things up around and it has affected me emotionally. I relapsed again self cutting and drinking to help me take my mind off. I’m honestly too numb at this rate and my parents’ relationship have affected my relationships with other partners that I’ve decided to stay single until I can sort myself out.
I don’t know what else to do. I can’t leave home much because my parents is strict and I don’t get to go out much either.
What do I do?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
update I am sorry for not posting in awhile, I have been recovering in hospital from an attempt to end everything. Why is this so complicated for me? I have decided to just go out with a bang this time. I know this will work. I cant live with this severe depression, bipolarism, debilitating panic and anxiety attacks. It just gets worse. These migraines are popping up more everyday now and Ive lost everyone I loved, my job, and the will to live gets more difficult s each day passes. I have cut myself off from all contact from the outside world. How does everyone else do it, I mean by going about a "normal" life? I see couples when i venture out very rarely walking, talking and seeming to be so much in love, I truly envy them. I dont abuse drugs, I have tried alcohol but it just doesnt take the pain away. I know there is not a soul on this earth anymore who believe in truth, faithfulness, respect, love, passion, nor does anyone believe in trying to help anyone unless that person has money. I have never physically or mentally hurt anyone, but it seems the cliche is right, good guys always finish last. I would reach out to others, but I dont have anyone to talk too. I have truly destroyed what was a beautiful mind, I honestly want someone to hopefully read this and take with them these last words: whatever you do in life, love that person your with, hold them close, care for their every need, and please get help if you ever see any signs of the symptoms of depression, anxiety, or panic attacks coming on. I have lost faith in the human race over many years of being humiliated for having the conditions I do and I do not want anyone to go through the pain and agony I feel every minute of everyday. Thank You for listening, even though I doubt anyone will ever read this with any belief. I just had to get the courage up to find out the way out Ive found is instant and hopefully the final try. I see 1 person is cheering me on, wow this shows how people dont care. Almost
midnight.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm just SOOO over it Tired of hitting up the only people I know for the slightest things like eating, a favor, or something random/funny, a question and getting a negative or no response. I'm fuckin sick of it! Fuck phones! 9/10 times, not even kidding, the answer is a i'm busy or something negative. It's sooo tiring man.. Soooo tiring.. gets me right back into that depressed mindset to a further hole. Fuck life man, really really overrated and tired of trying, you get no results!
|
self.depression
|
First anxiety attack of the year. I made it until early afternoon until I had a severe panic attack, this year is already horrible for me. I hope you all have a better one than I am.
|
self.Anxiety
|
for real, can i just talk to someone? please [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I used to have someone I used to have someone to hold me
To keep me safe and just care about every minuscule thought or joke that I felt
She was the only person I could be vibrant around , I would reek of smiles and affection with her
And as my best friend left me I realized that nobody makes me happy how she does
Less so with the fact that I genuinely can’t seem to make friends, I either don’t care about people or just lose interest so quickly
And it’s a horrific codependency I had with her, but at least she admitted she was codependent back
My depression was horrible before but now that I have nobody, now that I’ve lost my best friend everything is just so much harder
I sit alone for hours in between classes when I know she’s aimlessly wandering campus as well
I’ve tried to make friends but I get so anxious and depressed when I don’t get a clear positive response from a person
Again my depression has always been fucking awful but since she left it’s just been so much harder
It’s painful staying up every night listening to music because I’m just so depressed and can’t sleep
Seeking help is almost out of the question, I don’t believe in medicine, nor do I believe in psychologists , I just want a friend
A friend like she was
And it’s a difficult burden for someone to bare and that’s why she couldn’t anymore
But someone I could genuinely care about, and could care about me back
( not suicidal, just crippling depression)
|
self.depression
|
Anyone feel like they just weren't meant to exist? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
My family is broken In new year´s eve my family comes to my granfother´s house to have dinner, but that´s not good or fun, that´s sad and terrible. My uncle hates my family, becouse my aunt controles my uncle. My two cousins don´t know nothing about that, one of they have one year ago and the other have five years ago. Always when i eat with my uncles something happens, and this time if something happens, i´ll out of the house and have a walk, fuck, i don´t like this sittuation
|
self.depression
|
TIL I just fucking hate chores I'm not talking about lack of motivation to do chores. I've got that problem too, and I know it's very common with depression. Just having chores ruins my mood beyond all reason, and it doesn't even get better when I do them.
Very recently, visiting a new city, I caught myself just walking and smiling. The weather wasn't nice, the street wasn't pretty, the people weren't cheerful, but for some reason I was in such a rare good mood. It's taken me a few days of thinking about it to figure out why. It's because there weren't any chores waiting around the corner to ruin my day.
I share my life with a few family members, we all do house chores, and I don't feel like I'm getting an unfair amount on my plate. But I hate the routine responsibility towards other people, because it takes away this freedom I need.
There was a time (before I even got depressed) when I lived alone and I enjoyed the freedom to sometimes just… not do things. Don't feel like cooking? I'll just make myself a sandwich. Not in the mood for cleaning? I'll do it tomorrow, or the day after, who cares, it only affects me anyway. Now I feel like I need that freedom more than ever, and I don't have it.
|
self.depression
|
Just have to get something off my chest. I'm very depressed, spent 2 weeks at a psychiatric hospital before the holidays, tried multiple medications and therapy, feels like nothing is working. I feel so hopeless.
I had plans to end it all yesterday. I made all the preparations to make it easier for my family. Made sure I cleaned everything even remotely private from my computer and phone.
I bought rope and tied a simple noose and headed to the nearest forest to do it...
I walked out of the forest with the rope in my backpack and a slight rope burn around my neck feeling so ashamed of what i had done. I haven't told anyone about this yet and I'm not sure if I should tell anyone. Not sure how I should go on with my life from here.
Everything feels so surreal.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm tired of fighting everyday, hoping I'll be OK. I don't know how much longer I can keep fighting. Everyday I wake up and have no idea if I'll be OK. If that day will be the day I can't take it anymore. Another day of not being enough, putting my all into things that may never be. I know people care but no one can truly understand what's in my head and heart. And the one's that would...I can't talk to about what truly eats at me everyday. What tears apart my mind and my heart and makes me question everything I fight for. It's so hard to keep hoping for something that may never happen...
|
self.depression
|
almost got close to killing myself tonight? i guess i'd say i've been depressed for a while now (thanks to my shitty life) and even though the thought of suicide/not wanting to exist crosses my mind sometimes i've never really acted out on those thoughts because...? well i guess because it's never gotten to that point yet... but today it got bad thanks to a fight with my sibling
long story short they demanded i get my car's oil changed, claimed they had no money to help pay (even though they have been driving my car) but then bought some stuff which made me believe they were lying about how much money they had, the argument literally got out of hand because they brought up things that had nothing to do with THE FUCKING SUBJECT. worst of all my mom came home while we were arguing and didn't try to help/and my sibling brought up things i would rather not have talked about in front of my mom...
i finally went to my room and tried to calm down but after a while i got so frustrated i went out for a drive in my car and bought something to eat just as an excuse to get out, this is were it gets bad... for the most part i drove fine.. but going back home i started to sort of zone out, once i got into my neighborhood all i could think about was crashing the car into a tree and ending my life... and at least 2 different times... my hand jerked towards the side of the road a little until i snapped myself out of it... i managed to make it home.... but....
i'm still so frustrated... with my life, my family and myself... there's so much going wrong besides my sibling potentially gaslighting me that i want to just disappear...
|
self.depression
|
Forgot to take Zoloft I'm currently on 50mg of Zoloft and have forgotten to take it for 3 days. I'm feeling slighlty dizzy. I just took my dose of 50mg now that I remembered (This would be day 4). How long until the dizziness goes away now that im back on it?
|
self.depression
|
Anyone here with Anxiety AND ADHD? Which medication have you tried, that has given you the least amount of anxiety. I have been on Adderall in the past, and now am on Vyvanse. I started having very severe panic attacks recently and want to switch over to something else. Does anyone have a med that has caused them little to no anxiety?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Is it weird that I keep wanting to die, while living everyday, just too afraid to do it? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Anyone else hate when a doctor talks to you like you're dumb? [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
I lost my virginity at the age of 16 to a 14 year old. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Goal setting Sunday 8.6.17 I didn't see the Sunday thread so I'm taking initiative. Hope that's OK and I didn't miss something. So what's your goals this week?
|
self.bipolar
|
My family keeps forgetting me When I was 8, my dad chose a new girlfriend over us.
When I was 13, my mom chose alcohol over us.
When I was 14, my dad was forced to step in and take over.
When I was 15, I watched my dad and new step mom choose alcohol again and again.
Their attention never focused on their children. Too focused on scraping up enough money to buy a bottle. Too focused on who won beer pong. Too focused on themselves to realize I was drowning in responsibility. Rather than staying up to study, I was up all night blasting music to drown out their obnoxious laughter.
When I was 16, I attempted suicide.
No one noticed.
I would hear them make jokes about depression.
"That chick would be hot if she wasn't one of those weird 'cutters'"
I would laugh while hiding my scars.
When I was 16, I learned escapism.
Being numb makes so much more sense when you're high.
Nothing mattered.
When I was 18, I moved.
I got an apartment with my boyfriend. I found a job, everything finally seemed to be looking up.
"I'm so proud of you."
When I was 18, my brother joined the army.
Suddenly, I disappeared again.
"I'm so proud of him."
"He's so brave."
"You know he proposed?"
"They're having a baby!"
When I was 19, I was fired.
"I'm sorry, you're just too unreliable."
I have no one to talk to. Any conversation with my dad somehow finds its way to my brother. Constantly compared to a man 5 years older than me.
When I was 19, my step mom wanted a divorce.
"I just need to know how to be single."
"It's not you, it's me."
It's Father's day.
I travel home to see my dad, and we all go out to lunch as a 'family'. No one eats. Uncomfortable silence.
I don't hear from her again.
When I was 20, I landed a steady job.
Now every phone call I get is asking for money.
My dad meets someone new. It takes roughly 14 seconds for every conversation to turn to her, and yes, I counted.
Facebook tells me that my ex-step mom is now pregnant and happily engaged.
I delete her.
When I was 22, my friend and coworker committed suicide.
I found out while at work.
I went into the back and screamed.
The rest of the day is a blur of fake-smiles. A performance.
I go home, and don't know what to say. I call my dad, and
this time it takes a solid 5 minutes before the subject turns to his girlfriend.
Numb, but with the added bonus of forced sobriety.
I haven't talked to my mom in years, but I need a parent. I find out where my escapism comes from. She's been numbing herself for years, and is on a fast road to an early end. She's also in denial.
I don't know how to help. I don't know if I can help.
I hate the holidays. I never realized why until this year, and that's because I don't have a family. My mom abandoned me, and my dad never cared. My brother started his own family, and decidedly cut me out. The closest 'family' I've had are my boyfriends parents, but even then, I'm reminded constantly that they're not actually my family.
I see plans all over Facebook. My dad is going to spend a week with my brother. He's never came to see me.
I just have this pit in my stomach that no one actually likes me. Everyone always moves on, and leave me behind. I'm sick of leaching on to my boyfriends family for some sort of normalcy. I just wish I was born into a happy, loving family. Instead, I'm the forgotten child.
If you actually read all of this, I'm sorry. But thank you.
|
self.offmychest
|
This is too much. No more ranting or tearing myself to bits, just need to will myself into doing it. I just hate taking up others' time with my petty problems. I've failed at everything in life, and i hope i manage to succeed in this. I can do it. No other goal remains. Goodbye all, and thanks for everything.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I’m always quiet and it makes me feel paralyzed. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
I miss America... :'( this doesn't feel like my country anymore and it honestly kills me inside. I know, we hear it a billion times, the disgruntled American that wants to go to Canada or another country because of the current administration. But this is rediculous. People aren't born to live in misery, debt, and fear getting access to a doctor because of money. People aren't meant to be indentured servants to a bank or struggle for necessities all because they were born in a low income family. We have the death of internet neutrality, the tax bill, losing our healthcare, the EPA making our water, air and planet poisonous, wtf. I can't live in this new america. I will graduate university in 2018 with a degree in ChemE and I dont care if I work as a dish washer or any job in Canada, I am moving my ass up there. Because right now, I feel like my country is gone and anything I do to help it is a waste of my time. I can't raise kids in this new society. I can't stand this bs, I am so tired of all the hate and all this non sense. Everyday is another day that fucks over the little guy and helps the 1%. I am writing this now and for all we know, this may be my last reddit post if they go with getting rid of net neutrality. Even the internet is not safe. The animals are not safe, nothing is safe except the millionaires and billionaires.
I want to leave. I dont care if it is Canada, Australia or New Zealand. Any country that cares about its citizens, their well being and the environment and is inclusive, take this heart broken American in.
I thought maybe things will get better and everything will normalize after the election. But after the last month, I think this is the nail in the coffin for me. America, please come back. America please, this isn't you. America you deserve better than this. America, it's not that I want to leave you, it's that you are leaving me. Gosh I can't stop crying. So many good people this whole year have been getting hurt by this administration's policy and I guess now, it's becoming normalized and that's tragic. No more healthcare, higher tax's for not being rich, no more internet and our standing in the world is a joke. I hope things get better, but I just can't hold on to that hope anymore. It's time to move on.
|
self.offmychest
|
About to attempt suicide by jumping down the stairs. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
This chick This girl frustrates me so much, and I'm just so confused. I saw you for the first time about 2 months ago, we had a blast, when I left, we barely chatted at all, and onoly starting to talk less and less, then out of nowhere, you ask if I want to see you again. Obviously I would, I told you which days would fit me, but you didn't respond at all, why do you ask if I want to see you again, when you seemingly don't want to see me again? I've been trying to keep contact with you, texting you everyday, because I thought you might be interested in chatting too, but I guess not, you almost never respond, and when you do, it's short replies to which I almost can't respond to. I really like you, but I'm done pursuing someone I know I won't get, so I'm not going to text you again, I want to, but I'm not going to. I've done this before, and everytime you've texted me after a couple of days, this tells me you're at least somewhat interested, but why don't you try? Why are you being so distant. You compliment me, take screenshots of my snapchats for reasons I don't know, and say I'll just have to wait and see (you say something about a collage?). Anyway, I'm done pursuing, I truly hope you will text me again, and show that you actually want to keep contact, but if not. This is goodbye. I'm not going to tell you this, there'd be no point, you have to figure it out on your own.
|
self.offmychest
|
I finally have the courage I finally got the balls to do something. I’m standing by an overpass now and I’m about to jump. Thank you guys for all your love and support. I’ll miss you. I just want this pain to go away. I’m sorry.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I hate myself and whoever I was from when I was 5 15 years I have been an overly quiet person, it damaged me, and it shows.
I lie if it means I won't be visibly selfish, I lost many opportunities to thrive, wasn't able to make a friend in 5 years (I might've made one, but I'm not even sure if that person thinks the same thing, they did contact me months after disconnecting to see how I'm doing...)
I lied about NOT doing homework just to stay silent, and lie to everyone about how well I'm doing.
I'll probably not live out my dreams due to my silence, as I already missed my chances to attempt to several times.
When I attempt to talk topeople, I leave after a while to be alone in the bathroom, punching walls until my knuckles are red.
I've already got as far as putting a gun to my mouth, and burning my hands. The latter was too much, so I swapped to punching walls with increased intensity with every return to the bathroom.
Suicide seems to me like a logical solution to stop being a burden. I cost money and I cost happiness to everyone, from my family and friends to random strangers.
You can't prove that suicide isn't the logical choice. Both choices can't be proven to be the better one. It will either get better, or worse, simple as that.
6 psychologists tried. I tried, and wanted to get help.
Exercises were fueled by my fears. All my attempted writings are created by my pessimism. All my attempted compositions express my sadness.
I can't take it
|
self.offmychest
|
How do I politely tell my doctor, psychiatrist, and any other health care professional that they have done more damage than good for me and I want to stop using their services. I feel lied to by my health care providers that the services they offer are benefiting me. How can I politely tell these people that they have not been helpful ever since I started seeing them and that I want to change health care providers to someone who would be better for me.
|
self.depression
|
It’s different this time I️ think I’m falling in love but I’ve never been in love before so I️ don’t think I’d know what love is even if that’s what this is. It’s never been like this before. It’s not like the others with the butterflies and the extreme physical attraction. It’s different in the way that I️ crave his presence but that’s all I️ want. Yes I️ love being close with him but just having him in the same room as me, to hear his laugh and see him smile. I️ feel this strange connection as though I’ve known him before. Like everything we do together is so familiar, the way his hand feels in mine, the way he says my name. Everything about him is so familiar and I️ can’t figure out why. He’s my happy place and the place in my head I️ go to calm down. When my mind wanders I️ find that it wanders to him. There’s not a single thing about him that I️ do not absolutely adore. Yes he has flaws (who doesn’t?) but they’re just these little things that make me smile because they’re just the cutest little things.
I️ love that he’s so caring and gentle and I️ love that there’s this dark side to him, it’s this place where all his sad or bad experiences are hidden and where he keeps the memories of the friends he’s lost to suicide and unfortunate events as well as his family members who died from complications and old age, when his dark side shows it’s like he’s remembered it all as if it’s happening in the moment and the pain and loss is written all across his face. I️ can feel the love and loss he feels. And it all just makes me want to pull him into me. I️ love that he’s happy go lucky and I️ love when he grows tired of it and can just be himself. I️ love all the little things he loves and I️ love that he’s an artist and that he’s just so good at everything he does. I️ love that he rides his skateboard around (without safety gear even though I️ve told him hundreds of times to please put on the stupid safety gear) and I️ love when he calls me after he falls and starts with “babe, I️ did something dumb...” I️ love that he has this big huge heart and he’s the most selfless person I’ve ever met and I️ love that he doesn’t really even realize it. I️ love that he’s this huge super nerd and geeks out over The Yoshi’s Woolly World game I️ bought him for his birthday and the way we cuddled and watched stranger things together. I️ love that he mispronounces “neutrality” and other stupid words. I️ love that he’s 6’10 and super nonchalant about it. And I️ love that when he leans down to kiss me I️ have to stand on my tip toes (I’m only 5’1) and almost lose my balance every time. I️ love listening to him talk so much that I️ rarely ever talk because I️ know that if I️ talk, that means he isn’t and that means I️ can’t listen to the sound of his voice talking about something that he loves or he cares about. I️ love that he tries to get me to try all these ridiculous skateboarding tricks even though I️ don’t even know how to ride a skateboard. I️ love that he texts me at 4 am telling me he misses me.
I’ve come so close to saying the words and yet something stops me every time. I️ think I’m afraid it’s too soon or he doesn’t quite feel the same or maybe it’s just that it’s never felt like the right time so just this once, just in case the right time never comes or he really doesn’t feel the same, just in case I️ never get the chance to say it :
I️ love you
|
self.offmychest
|
College Admissions is depressing me Hello, I am a high school student currently homeschooling due to homophobia bullying at my former school. I am currently enrolled in a community college online where I'm going to be completing my Associate's degree in International Relations. I want to study in California, but my Associate's degree likely won't transfer to a prestigious four year university (i.e. Stanford, UCLA, UCBerkeley) very well. I'm worried if I don't have a prestigious school on my resume that I will end up living in a box or not being successful in life. Maybe it's just my self-hatred and feeling like I'm never good enough, but I feel like I am going to be homeless or be worth nothing if I don't go to Stanford. I tried going to CollegeConfidential, but people were MEAN. Any constructive advice that isn't "you're too stupid, so don't go to college?"
|
self.depression
|
Can't get over feeling like my life has been wasted [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Anyone else? Anyone else get easily overwhelmed by your day or cry from being tried like a toddler? I feel stupid for it, but I’m a crier.
|
self.bipolar
|
Hurt myself on Christmas. Feels like my family's hatred for my animals extends time by association. And it's just too much. And I couldn't keep my bird quiet bc all be wanted was robe it by no one wanted him to come out. And at least now I can *see* how I'm feeling. I really shouldn't do this. I know. But I do. And hopefully I'll stop soon. But it's a sad day. But I'm fine
Merry Christmas, everyone
|
self.depression
|
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.