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Empathy help Lemme preface this that I'm diagnosed with depression rather than bipolar, but that I have a family history of bipolar. Also that I hear this is an issue that people with bipolar have, and that I have no idea where else to post this.
So, basically, I feel I don't have anywhere near the level of empathy people think is the "normal" amount. I can understand why people feel the way they do, but I guess I just don't care about it. Other people just kinda feel like NPCs to me, and I just feel a disconnect between myself and the rest of the world.
I tried googling how to increase my empathy levels, but was just met with result after result of "This is why empathy is good. Be empathetic."
Can anyone here help me to feel something? I'm sick of making it difficult for people close to me.
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self.bipolar
|
Should I kill myself? I don't feel worth it anymore. I've been battling depression for years and I finally want to give up... Should I?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Day 3 of insomnia (help please) My girlfriend broke up with me almost two weeks ago. I flipped out and said mean stuff out of hurt. Immediately after I felt terrible but because we had broken up I didn't try to reach out and apologize. I'm incredibly saddened by this whole thing. I then drank every night for a week until I've finally sobered up.
Now I can't sleep. My brain is doing the Obsessive thoughts thing, I feel incredibly anxious, all I can think about is how incredible she is and how awful I am. How mean I can be, and how fucked my future is now that we're no longer together.
I feel like I"m losing my mind here and I don't know what to do. I've tried melatonin but I just stay awake. I'm so anxious, I feel like I can't breathe at times.
Any suggestions? I feel like I might need some temporary meds or something. I don't know what to do if this continues on.
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self.Anxiety
|
Anyone 16 and have severe anxiety? I want to talk with someone.
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self.Anxiety
|
Anybody else ever feel like their entire world is crumbling right in front of you? **Edit**: THANK YOU ALL for your absolute kindness and empathy. I’m touched, really. I really wasn’t expecting as big of response to this as it got, but I’m truly appreciative, as reading these comments and just knowing how I’m feeling isn’t completely abnormal really helped a lot. You all are 100% the best and I just thank you guys so much. ❤️
Tl;dr: I just feel like life is changing so much in my 20s that everything I know is just kind of disappearing. It’s freaking me out. Anybody else ever felt like this?
First, sorry for the long post. I was hoping it would come out shorter, but my brain’s kind of a blubbery mess right now.
Lately I [24M] just feel like a lot is wrong in my life. Especially tonight, I just feel super sad and lonely, but it’s a long time coming I think. Anything that’s constant in my life I feel like is disappearing, and it has me really scared kind of.
Currently I’m off with my mom, 1000 miles away from home, while we finish the ripping apart of my grandparents’ household of 50+ years. Long story short, my grandfather died in May 2016, and turns out my step grandmother didn’t give a crap about him or anyone else; she just wanted his money. So since he died, between battling with her and the trustee of the estate (a formerly trusted family accountant), it’s been a painful experience watching the house where I spent summers for the past 24 years be ripped apart. I loved my (real) grandmother, and I really really loved my grandfather and identified with him so much, and it’s just been so hard. So that’s gone.
My last remaining grandparent is my dad’s mom who lives close to me. She’ll be 80 this June, so she’s getting older as well. Because she lived nearby and my parents have full time jobs, she (and my dad’s dad when he was alive) kept me and my sister a lot when we were kids, and she’s always been a big part of my life. Also, my dad’s sister/my aunt has always been kind of crazy, but lately she’s become really insane (super super religious, her emotions are out of control towards other family members, says some really off the wall stuff, rambles for 2-3 hours when I talk to her, etc.), so she’s not the same aunt I used to be close with.
I’m having doubts about being with my girlfriend of 3 years. Some days I wake up and I love her like crazy, some moments she does some things (occasional emotional abuse, acting like a child to get her way, loves to play the blame game about small things, etc.) that make me wonder why I’m still with her. Our sex life is also pretty horrific. So that’s a constant emotional roller coaster that makes me feel ungrounded.
I’m currently in a PhD I dislike. I love my fellow students (about 8 of us), thank god, but the actual program is soul draining. I do not like it at all, but don’t know what else to do.
I have some anxiety issues that make me doubt (and kind of hate) myself. Like summer 2016 I had a couple minor panic attacks and have since developed mild-moderate agoraphobia and fear of having more panic. It seems to wax and wane. Sometimes I feel like I cope with it awesomely; sometimes I feel so crippled by it I wonder how I’ll ever function enough to get through life and how anybody can love someone as broken as me. The panic in particular is something that is relatively new, so it’s been hard adjusting to it.
(Note: I do see a therapist and have been for depression and anxiety for some time, so I am getting professional help)
I also have some mild-moderate social anxiety which I feel makes it hard for me to connect with people sometimes. My social skills are good (I used to work at an Apple store where I was hired specifically for my social skills) so I know I’m capable. Just the thought of having to make smalltalk sometimes though makes me want to run the other way and isolate myself.
Also, I became dependent inadvertently on tranquilizers prescribed (in a reckless fashion) by a psychiatrist. Coming off of those was pretty horrific, which didn’t help anything. That was 5 years ago.
I just believe my 20s are kind of a complete disaster, and all of the constants in my life I feel like are disappearing before my eyes. I’m ready to feel stable and grounded again, and it’s just scary feeling like everything in my life that I know and love is just slipping away.
Anyone else ever feel like this?
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self.Anxiety
|
I’m not in the mood for Christmas My grandparents are gone, my kids are grown (but not with families of their own), my husband has depression which he’s unwilling to treat, and I have my own issues like chronic pain and not being able to let go of old happy memories..
I’m tired and I just don’t want to do this..
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self.offmychest
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Too tired to carry on I'm just so god damn tired these days... can't bring myself to show up to class, got dropped from one already, anothers probably coming. I'm not entirely sure what to do but this constant depressive feeling scares me, I have so much I want to do and achieve but I just simply cant find the energy or effort to do anything and I just end up failing and getting berated for failing and the cycle continues... I just want to feel better :(
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self.depression
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Why do I have to be me? It hurts. I just want to disappear. I wish I were someone else sometimes, a lot but I’m sure I’d still be awful
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self.depression
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What should I do with my stuff? 20m here planning on catching the bus in the next couple weeks. Ive come to terms with the fact that I'm too goddamn lazy, useless and boring to ever find friends or a relationship and I don't have the willpower it takes to change myself. Ive got my method and everything worked out but I have a few thousand dollars worth of possessions (clothes, computer, instrument, game console, etc.) that I need to get rid of.
I dont want to make my parents have to go through all of my belongings since that would probably be harder on them. I would like to give all of my stuff away to charity but most of it was bought for me by my parents (read: I'm a useless fuck who's in college but cant get a job) so I feel like I should try and sell it and give the money to them so at least they can get something money back.
I'm at the point where I cant even get out of bed to go to class anymore so I'm not sure how I'm going to find anyone to buy this stuff apart from just posting a bunch of Craigslist ads. Does this method usually work for smaller things like clothes? What do you guys think is the right thing for me to do here?
Also do you think I should leave a note? I feel really self conscious about leaving a suicide message behind especially since I know it would be the last thing I ever get the chance to write but it might be better for my parents to know it wasnt entirely their fault I turned out this way. Thanks for the help reddit. Hope you have a good 2018.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Almost had a threesome (long) He's currently my ex, but me and my boyfriend at the time were talking about our plans. We agreed that we'd try new things in my room. New positions, etc. He brings up a threesome. I, wanting to try new things, am now interested.
He mentioned bringing along his buddy, whom I met on a double date. As much as I'm interested, I'm questioning. "What about his girlfriend? I can't just fuck him, he's taken." My boyfriend at the time responds, "they broke up." A little surprised, I respond "really?" I *have* noticed some body language and fast sexual remarks from this friend. Despite him having a girlfriend. Knowing this, I shook him off. He even went as far as to asking me if I thought he was handsome. I merely pat his back and walked off.
Now hearing the news that he broke up with his girlfriend, I take it as a pass. I go along with the idea, and we set off to go meet his friend first before heading to my room. "I was never into the guy, but why not? It's something to do. Something to learn from."
We get to his house and we ring the door. But instead of it being him, it's his *girlfriend.*
"I saw the texts," she said. "He's not leaving and you both can get out."
I take a moment to think about what just happened. My boyfriend and his buddy formed a plan to have a threesome with me, even though he had a girlfriend. The guy lies to his girlfriend and to *me* just for a fuck. I'm a little taken back, but I go along with fucking my boyfriend at my house anyways.
After some personal scenes with eachother, we rest. We hang out for an hour until I start to gently confront him about what just happened. The lying. He accuses me of "not trusting him" and "having no chill." Furious, I tell him to leave and that's how we break up. But that's not really the main idea, the main idea was that I was so close. Maybe some day I'll have my threesome with two *single* guys.
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self.offmychest
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It amazes me how people don't recognize the symptoms when it's them. You ever have someone telling you how they're feeling down, and they just start giving a veritable checklist of depression symptoms?
The word is out to get you, don't feel appreciated, sleep all the time, can't enjoy anything anymore, etc. And to someone who's had depression for a while, it's like... Yep. Yep. Yep. I know exactly what you mean.
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self.depression
|
My husband cheated, and the girl is pregnant. Yesterday night me and my were watching Netflix when he got a call. He took it in the other room, but I could here him and could tell he was upset. After a few minutes he came out, said he’d be right back, and left without answering my many questions. About an hour later he came back with a girl. I recognized her because she was my best friends little sister. This was odd, but I politely greeted her. My husband told me to sit and they sat next to each other on the couch across from me. She was really uncomfortable and wasn’t making eye contact with me, and my husband couldn’t look at me. He looked passed me and told me what was wrong. He told me that he had cheated on me, and that she was pregnant, and that she had been kicked out of her house so he offered her our spare bedroom. She’s four months pregnant and we’ve barely been married a year and he’s already fucked another girl. The part I find gross is that he’s 25 and she’s 18 I feel like it should be illegal. All of that, and the fact that he’s letting live here without asking me was too much. I couldn’t even bring myself to yell at him. Or throw something at him. I just cried. I cried for about ten minutes, and the my asshole husband never comforted me, or even looked at me. All he could say was “well.... sorry”. I couldn’t bring myself to kick her out so I’ve let her stay the past few days, but I can’t help but feel like a cuck. Im basically taking care of the girl who ruined my marriage. My husband has been avoiding me, and I just don’t know what to do anymore.
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self.offmychest
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Does anyone else have an anxiety ‘kit’ in their bag/backpack/whatever you carry? If so what do you keep in it? I’m trying to gather some ideas since I heard this from a video a while ago.
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self.Anxiety
|
Serious question about weed on medication I am on Lamictal and Quetiapine and my psychiatrist is adamantly against me smoking the devil's lettuce. I've only been taking these pills for a week, but weed helps me a lot. It calms me down and makes a lot of things less bearable. Does anyone have experience with smoking and taking meds? Any opinions?
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self.bipolar
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Being swallowed up whole by my depression I have just been so depressed for the past couple months. It started back in late august, where I fell into a deep depression, I thought it was slowly getting better, but honestly it's still there. It is especially bad in the mornings, that's when I feel the worst about myself and just feel like breaking down and crying. I am also diagnosed with bipolar, and also suffer from anxiety and adhd.
I see a psychiatric doctor, as well as a therapist. I spend most of my days completely exhausted with no motivation. I really dislike my job and want to go back to college so bad for an engineering degree, but my anxiety absolutely makes me terrified of doing it, and my depression makes me to unmotivated to follow through. It has been absolute hell the past couple months, i'm so glad today is at least Friday so I get the next two days off work.
Just really needed to vent, but kind words would be nice.
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self.depression
|
Lost her forever yesterday..my best friend got so angry at my stubborness she blocked me everywhere and threatened me if i tried talking to her again...she got so upset because it wasn't the first time i asked her for a second chance to be back together in a relationship..she cares about me and i hope to God she could come back even if its an extremely small chance...i cried my eyes out yesterday, i want her to come back, i miss talking to her...i miss her personality...and i hate myself so much for pissing her off so much...i got the strength to not kill myself and i want to improve so that no one else turns against me ever again like this... Pray for me...I need a Christmas Miracle 😢 her birthday is next week...pray for benevolence..i'll support you, i'll help anyone out just please..
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self.depression
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Help me Literally at my wits end. Want to have help but I’m not getting any. Seriously want to kill myself or have someone help me and care for me. Doubt this post will do anything but this how desperate I am.
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self.depression
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Reading /r/IncelTears makes me violent and suicidally unstable It's like an entire sub devoted specifically to attacking me for my depression and loneliness. And, not the violent things they post, rather, every single post attacking non violent people, or the ones filled with bullshit platitudes. The idea they're too cowardly and weak to admit to is that depressed men deserve to be alone. And if that's the case, why shouldn't I just kill myself, why shouldn't I kill myself right fucking now? I utterly hate every last evil, lying fuck that posts there, their lies about love and how life gets better, talking about how life has meaning if you're alone, despite the fact that they *aren't* alone. I hate them all with a burning passion, I hate them!
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I hate humanity. I hate white supremacists. I hate sexual assaulters. I hate shooters. I hate liars. I hate narcissists. I hate greedy people. I hate selfish people. I hate ignorant people. I hate people who don't care about the earth. I hate anti-vaxxers. I hate people who try to force their beliefs upon others. I hate people that can't look at someone from their own species and treat them with respect that they'd hope for in return. I hate people that abuse children. I hate people who abuse their pets. I hate corporations that don't care if they fuck over their customer to make more money. I hate people.
I'm constantly bombarded with stories of all these awful people doing all these awful things and it's breaking down my mental state. It's so infuriating and I can't do anything about it.
The hardest thing about growing up is learning how awful our species is, how egocentric and selfish we all are, how we don't care about anything or anyone else but ourselves. It sickens me.
Fuck you, humanity.
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self.offmychest
|
I wish I was dead I can't keep coping. I'm going through this so alone. I go to my therapy appointments and participate. I go to my pdoc and take my meds as prescribed. I eat. I shower. I go to work and do more than the bare minimum. I know I have worth, to my principal, to the other teachers, to my kids, but it doesn't make up for what I go through. I can't keep coping. I don't want to handle this. I'm not strong enough. But I can't even succeed at attempting so fuck everything. I can't do anything right. I can't be successful. I can't do it. Inpatient won't help. It didnt help these sentiments last time and it wouldn't help them any future times. I don't know how to get through this. Even killing myself isn't an option. I'm so lost. I'm so hopeless. I'm suffering so much.
Last weekend my rapid cycling was so bad I had over 20 moods in the same day last Sunday. I don't have control over this. I've tried 20 meds, I'm currently on a combo of 4, and clearly that's not enough. I've been trying hard with this whole med change thing for a year and a half. There's been some luck, like latuda, but it's not enough to fix things. Maybe I should stop trying, quit my job, go off all my meds, and end up homeless. Who cares. I can't do it.
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self.bipolar
|
I don't know what to do... Im a junior in HS and I am miserable. I have almost have no friends and I hardly talk to anyone. Things happened in the past that seriously fucked me up, giving me trust issues and feeling worthless. I got over that stuff but it feels to late. I acted stupid and dumb in the past to other students. I feel as if they hate me and or think I'm weird. I don't know how to change this stigma that people get around me. Everyday I walk home from school just over thinking shit that happened that day. I feel as if nobody understands me and no one bats a eye at me. But I don't blame them I'm a nobody that is broken, who wants to hangout/talk to somebody so fucked in the head.
I need someone that can move me...
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self.depression
|
Long term effects of depressive episode I don’t know if it’s the wrong meds or depression, but this 3 months and counting depression I feel like has permanently changed my personality for the worse. Is that possible?
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self.bipolar
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How can I try to understand my loved one with Bipolar? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
Rational anxiety. I got pretty hardcore anxiety and agoraphobia, but as a disabled guy who has been accused of faking my very real medically proven impairments in various really combative and hurtful ways at my university this anxiety feels perfectly rational. The problem is, it's not useful.
It is rational to avoid situations in which you are caused undue, insane, unethical amounts of stress and psychological/social pain - but it is not helpful to my education to be feeling the levels of anxiety I do feel about it. Except, the level of anxiety is a perfectly sane response.
Does anyone have any experience combating a rational, sane anxiety that is dysfunctional due to the fact that you *have* to continue on in insane circumstances and a normal human response of leaving isn't acceptable?
|
self.Anxiety
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Feeling like a burden My girlfriend and I have been together for a year but lately I've really seen how much my depression is impacting her. Lately I've been sleeping all day and not really doing much and I can tell how frustrated she is. I understand completely where her frustration is coming from but at the same time I don't know how to resolve the issue.
I spent the day laying in bed thinking of ways to kill myself and all I could feel was her anger with me for not getting up and helping with chores/making dinner.
Idk just feeling like people would be better off without me at this point
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self.depression
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So I am going to see a therapist tomorrow [deleted]
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self.depression
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life ruined by anxiety after almost fainting once Throwaway account. This ended up being super long, so I'm sorry for that. First time actually posting to Reddit though so hopefully I'm in the right place. I am mainly looking for some advice, or to see if anyone has suffered the same thing. I just don't know what to do anymore and want to tell my story.
Backstory:
I [26F] have always been an anxious person. I had my first panic attacks at the age of ten with no determinable cause and was officially diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder at twelve, so anxiety has always been part of who I am. However, during my teenage years I had gotten pretty good at combating them and by the end of high school was (mostly) normal. I still suffered the occasional panic attack but overall I was fine.
However, I always have had an irrational fear of fainting/passing out. I have fainted before but only during things like blood draws (squeamish with blood/needles) so I always kind of knew it was a stupid thing to be worried about as it had never happened in a non-hospital setting.
That bring me to the topic of this post.
On December 30th 2016 my husband and I got ready to go to dinner at a place just down the street about 5 minutes away. I was fine up until we were about a minute from the restaurant when I started feeling uneasy out of nowhere and figured I'd be fine when we arrived. This uneasy feeling continued the entire time and when we walked into the restaurant to be seated I began to sweat, get nauseated, and completely lost the feeling in both my legs. They were like jelly and I couldn't walk. As this is what happened when I'd begun to faint before during blood draws (though I didn't lose my vision or hearing) I told my husband I thought I was passing out and I had to leave right then.
By the time we got back into the car the feeling had (mostly) returned to my legs and I was just completely confused at what had just happened. I was hysterical and kept apologizing. I had no idea what happened. I kind of still don't if I'm being honest. My first thought was that it was a panic attack but I've never had a panic attack make me lose feeling in my legs and get nauseated. It was like my absolute worst fear had come true. I had almost fainted in public for no reason and made a total fool of myself and embarrassed both myself as well as my husband. People were staring at me as I ran out and I was mortified.
When we got back home I went to bed and I stayed in bed for the entire weekend. Ever since that event, my life has taken a complete dip. I am very grateful that I work from home, otherwise I have no idea what life would have been like.
I have developed a phobia of restaurants and the public in general, have panic attacks on a daily basis in my own home without any cause or reason, and suffer with constant brain fog where I feel like nothing is real. I was previously outgoing and now go out of my way to avoid going out because of the severe anxiety that this event has caused. When I do go out, friends have noticed I am much quieter (I was very loud and talkative before) and withdrawn. I also find it hard to speak and stutter a lot now because I am always in such a bad state of stress that it makes me unable to find words I am looking for. I am always on high alert when it comes to my body and if I feel too hot or if I think my legs are weak or I look too pale I just assume I am fainting again and have another panic attack.
I still force myself to go out in public (restaurant, etc) but people can tell I am different than I used to be, and my husband, although he tries to be understanding, is very emotionally stable and stoic and anxiety disorders are something he just doesn't understand. When I go out to eat, I am always on edge and sometimes can't even swallow my food. It is a very scary thing for me now, but I try to remain as in control as I can because I don't want to embarrass myself.
Before anyone says it, yes, I know the logical step here is to see a therapist, but I am very poor and just recently (last month) have attempted to get health insurance. Even the initial visit is currently out of my budget and will have to wait until a later time when I've saved up more money.
The last year has just been complete hell. I am very sad and depressed about this and just want my old self back. Even now, I still have absolutely NO idea why I almost fainted and that makes it worse because at least if I knew the cause I could work on not letting it happen again, but I don't. It could have been anything. Maybe I was too hot. Or dehydrated. Or maybe it was low blood sugar. I have no idea. It happened out of nowhere and completely destroyed my life. I feel sad for my husband all the time and feel like he deserves better than me because I have become such a burden. Most of the time I don't even tell him when I am panicking (90% of the time now even in non-stressful situations) because I don't want him to worry and I just wish I didn't have to do this...
Thank you for your time and for reading my story.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I guess I just want to talk Does anyone else experience this - around a couple of times a month I wake up confused and disoriented, freaking out about nothing and everything at the same time. I can't describe this kind of feeling, just this knowledge that I'm a person in a body and there are countless things beyond my control is sometimes too much for me. Especially after a night's sleep I feel shoved into myself - my memories, my body, my age my gender every defining characteristic of mine.
My head hurts now. I used to be acutely suicidal, but after a botched attempt changes happened, and I'm at this weird place where I don't believe in an "out".
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self.depression
|
My first diagnosis was bipolar Bipolar was my first diagnosis. Now I'm schizoaffective (I hear things). I had a really good day today. I had lunch and I drank some water.
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self.bipolar
|
3 weeks in Citalopram (Celexa) but having stomach pain. Doc wants to switch me. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
The hell i feel I'm lost. More so than I've ever been. I feel I have no friends. Nobody is there for me to talk to and completely confide in. All I have is myself. The kind of love I use to feel has been gone for years. I'm very slowly yet surely starting down a path of self destructive behavior. Not sleeping right, eating nothing but frozen foods and sports drinks and whatever I order at work, becoming more and more outwardly frustrated about how very little anyone cares about my mental well being. I think the only thing I can do, is just count on myself. Nobody else is going to help me. Nobody else will even think to show love and support for me. So I'll just be as much of a cold hearted bastard to them as they all are to me. If I'm not good enough for them, they sure as shit aren't good enough for me. This is basically how I've been feeling for years. Some days I can just push it aside and work through it, but now it's becoming far worse. I broke up with my girlfriend because I was just unhappy and tired of being yelled at for just about anything all the time. I've tried confiding in my friends but some of them ended up taking her side, and the ones I had left just simply started ghosting me this past week. I literally have no one. I try talking to girls, even just casually, and even just other people to try and make friends, but they all just act nice or give one or two word responses and then other days act as if I don't exist. So basically, I'm just at a point where my mindset is "fuck everyone who isn't me".
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self.depression
|
The shame you feel when you actually ask someone a question about something and they say it wouldve turned out fine if you'd just said something I have noticed a lot of things could've been better in my childhood if I hadn't been so anxious. If I had asked things and been myself.
But at the same time I remember how terrified I was back then. Too afraid to say what I wanted or do anything. Even to my parents or my grandparents. I didn't understand how people could have such close relationships with their parents, or to be happy being themselves.
I got very used to being okay with my own nothing. In nothingness I felt calm and not at all like I 'bothered' anybody.
(I've had some deaths in the family in the last few years, I feel like my numbness of feelings were an act and that I chose so wrong to keep anything to myself, I feel uncomfortable putting myself and any feelings out there cause I cry about anything nowadays)
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self.Anxiety
|
Does anybody get anxious about becoming anxious? There’s something that’s happening this weekend that I know for sure is going to make me extremely anxious, and I’m currently nervous about the anxiety that I know is sure to come
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self.Anxiety
|
People suck My bestfriend/girlfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago since then I haven't been able to stop crying.
If I were a stronger person I probably would have killed myself, but my worry for parents and my fear of death won't allow me (though if I did I would have the sickest of funerals). That being said this has also triggered the panic attacks again and if this continues life is going to be one big ball of suffering and what the fuck is the point.
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self.depression
|
Persuade me with reason that life is worth continuing. I am calm, relatively free from emotions of hopelessness at the present moment, and am capable of listening to good suggestions.
I am currently living in a broken economy in a rural county in the Southern U.S. I came to take advantage of an opportunity to room with an old friend for a good price (he has since become domineering and negative to everyone around him). I had grown up here, but had been gone for many years getting a bachelor's and then campaigning during the election. The time between that and where I'm at now is a long story.
I have in good faith and vigor sought employment. I have many applications out for bottom of the barrel federal minimum wage work, despite having a degree. I have followed through and had interviews; I always focus on positivity and what I can do for the company.
This has failed. I've been told having the degree makes me unhirable in this local economy that is already difficult, the main reason being that the employer feels (rightfully) that the probability of long term retention is low. I've had offers from companies that somehow vanish into smoke while they are processing my information. It is entirely possible I will receive offers tomorrow, but the reality is that if I do not receive them within the month that I will no longer be able to sustain myself.
Unfortunately, I can't crawl into my parents pocket nursing my wounds. They passed very early in my young adulthood and left no assets. Everyone else is far too poor to assist. Losing the ability to pay rent and groceries directly equates to living in the woods, which of course I will not do.
My only ray of hope is....wait for it....a "remote work" opportunity I found online (can see the eyes rolling already). It's a booking agent/advertiser position. So far, it does not appear to be an MLM, but I have severe doubts from my previous experiences with other remote work opportunities. It may or may not be legitimate, and at present I can't make plans based upon it.
It is quickly becoming apparent to me that the best option for self-improvement is to endure strategic homelessness in my state's metro area (which is actually booming in a big way). The probability is high that I can find work, but it is also high that I will remain homeless for the foreseeable future considering the cost of living.
It has been proven that humans' aversion to pain is stronger than the temptation for reward. I'm sitting here contemplating the reality of homelessness in February (I would seek shelters, but still...). There is a certain point where the effort to crawl from crisis is too much to be considered reasonable.
My options, as far as I can see, are 1) Endure homeless strategically 2) Join the military and try to test into a low position of leadership (or office work) 3) Go Breaking Bad 4) Get fortunate with an employment offer within the next week and a half 5) Poison my grandfather to inherit his meager assets (at this level of crisis...these thoughts honestly become reasonable to my great personal shame) or 6) Take enough pills (there are plenty around although I don't partake) to numb myself to a sharpened blade cutting my wrist.
I do not desire 6. I have no romanticized view that I'm going to "show them all" or that people will ultimately care that much years later.
Can you persuade me in the event of ruin that is fast approaching, that suicide is not a rational option?
What would you, given identical circumstances, do? I suspect most of you would be more emotionally compromised and prone to erratic behavior than I currently am. How can someone be expected to cope with this?
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self.SuicideWatch
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How do I stop motivating myself with self hatred I've noticed recently that my only motivational force is to hate myself hard enough that I do what I need to to stop myself for a while.
I don't do what I enjoy, only what I have to to get by and it's because I don't have the motivation to do literally anything.
I imagine other people have been through this before me and I was wondering where you found your motivation to get past this.
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self.depression
|
Need a friend. I’m a very lonely person, I’ve been suffering with depression for awhile and I’ve lost all my friends through it. Times get really lonely, is there anyone who would be my friend? Or at least somebody to talk with? Being lonely and depressed really sucks.
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self.SuicideWatch
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this subreddit is the only thing that I have Got rid of my phone for 2 weeks because social media made me really sad and today I decided to use it again. 0 messages from people. I already felt like I didnt exist now its confirmed that I dont exist. I feel like a phantom floating between the masses.
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self.depression
|
So I kinda fucked up. I need some advice. I just started at this fantastic new job. Easily the best I've ever had. Well, earlier this week I called out. Honestly don't remember why, I think I was too much of a depressed mess to go in. I have a horrible memory due to a combination of meds and dissociation so I don't even know what day it was. Saturday maybe? Today I woke up with a cough. I thought I was sick. I didn't want to go to work. So I called in. My usually laid back manager was actually pretty angry. I'm worried I may have blown this job already. I don't know what to do. I don't feel sick any more, I feel fine now. I know we have an attendance policy and I know that 2 callouts isn't even close to being fired but I'm still scared. I don't want to fuck this up. My anxiety is up right now. What do I do guys?
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self.bipolar
|
weird feelings Hi guys,
I’ve been dealing with anxiety due to a big change that will happen in my life for the past 2 weeks. At first, the symptoms were very pronounced and I even went to the hospital: rapid heartbeat, panic, trembling, depersonalization, you name it.
But as I learned more about anxiety and understood my fears, the symptoms started to go away. The heart palpitations have almost stopped, the panic doesn’t happen anymore and no trembling or anything. I am able to go through the day quite normally without thinking of it much.
However, what I still feel which bothers me very much is like something weird is going on with my head. I have a very difficult time concentrating when I am writing something or drawing or anything that needs a fixed attention: I get a feeling like my mind is shaking and not able to focus. It feels very weird in my head sometimes like I’m not really in complete control of my mind yet.
And that has gotten me a little worried, does anyone here also get that even when they’re feeling good?
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self.Anxiety
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I just ran from the cops. 130 in a 75 [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Why does my family constantly tell me I'm worthless? I've been really depressed lately because my job sucks and so I've been taking notice of little things that usually fly over my head because I feel so emotional right now. I'be realized now more then ever how often my family tells me I'm worthless. They tell me that what I like is worthless, my hobbies are worthless, my friends are worthless, I can't travel anywhere because I am to dangerous and I can't ever do something like get a new car, go to school or get a house.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I never thought I’d actually make a post here.. Of all the subs on this site, I didn’t think this would be the first I post in. I’ve been lurking for years but have only now worked up the courage to make myself heard. I’ve been battling with depression/anxiety/ADD for close to 20 years now. I’ve been on and off of a wide variety of medications and have seen a number of mental health professionals, but no matter how content I feel, I can never say that I’m truly happy.
The feeling of contentment that I feel when taking medication is somewhat short lived. Sure, the little things don’t bother me as much, and I don’t lament over daily stressors, but underneath it all I still feel like something is missing. I’m still not happy with myself and I almost always feel like I’m a failure and a burden on others. I have hobbies, I have a girlfriend and I work a full time job. I don’t know what else I need in my life to feel satisfied.
I’ve been trying to get back into therapy and possibly back on medication, but I’m having an extreme amount of difficulty finding a place that has hours to accommodate my work schedule, or that will even call me back. I’ve tried getting referrals and calling mental help hotlines but I always get redirected to offices that close too early, or just flat out don’t return calls.
I don’t feel like an inpatient facility is for me, but I do have very unhealthy and sometimes self destructive thoughts.
This is what is killing me now, I want to help myself. I’m ready to make the effort, but I can feel myself gradually slipping further down the slope every day.
I don’t know what to do.
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self.depression
|
Is there a place I can go? I live in America. 27. I have been to a mental ward before for about a week but you need money.
I just feel like I am not capable of even taking care of myself. Like I can't continue to try with this crushing feeling all around me. I do small things and it feels like tearing the world apart. I never want to leave my home, but, you know, I have to afford a living, and work, and socialize. I just feel like I can't do it anymore.
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self.depression
|
How do you pass a waking night when you can't focus on anything (i.e. games, books, shows, etc) I've been sick the last few days, and the meds are making me restless and keeping me awake. I've tried getting work done, writing music (unfortunately it's too late at night to practice or I'd just run scales for the next 6 hours), I've tried reading, I've tried playing games, watching netflix, but I just have 0 interest in ANYTHING right now.
I've been fighting the urge to pace and panic, but I'm super fidgety and I think my cat is getting sick of me shifting around.
Do you guys have any advice on how to either occupy yourself or force yourself to focus on something?
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self.Anxiety
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Just posted in here recently but for anyone who has social anxiety please read! [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I am a selfish piece of shit who doesnt deserve anything or anyone. I messed around with my best friend's crush. He has been crushing over her for the longest time and telling me about all his feelings for her. I went a party with her and got drunk and fucked around. I have been friends with this guy for the longest time and I guess in that moment it didn't mean shit to me. I completely ignored how my friend felt and did what I wanted because I wanted to feel good in that moment. All these years being best friends meant nothing to me at that time. Im just mad that both me and his crush both knew how he felt and just didnt care. ACTUALLY his fucking crush cared more about his feeling than I did! Saying, "...but what about (bestfriend)" and all I said was to forget about him.
I do not deserve friendship or anyones trust. I am not worth it.
I am selfish and I will put my pleasure over anything your feeling.
Im a piece of shit and I hate it.
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self.offmychest
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i'm crying in my car rn i take my medication maybe every other day because the side effects are awful, i'm trying to get a medical marijuana card for ptsd (i was abused as a child and now good healthy relationships seem impossible) I'm crying in my car right now cause i dont have enough money yet to move out of my parents house (im 25) i just recently had an anniversary of the day i had planned to kill myself last year and i still dont know how to feel about that, i'm usually at a steady weight but in the past year i've gained 40 pounds. I recently got a job that i absolutly love, doing art, being funny onstage, making people laugh and feel good. And last night at a cast party, as part of a poem, one of my favorite people i work with said the n word without any hesistance and i was, and often am, the only black person in the room.
Sometimes i can feel myself making the choice to not totally check out. Sometimes, on good days, i dont feel myself making that choice. I just live. Today is not one of those days. I just had to rant for a second
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self.SuicideWatch
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People's comments on the internet actually make me hopeless What's the point in trying to participate in this world anymore when these are the fucks I have to coexist with and potentially depend on? Christ.
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self.depression
|
A Place for counseling and support. Check it out, if you like it follow us on social media, maybe book a counseling session https://starrynightslifeline.com
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self.depression
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Can't even brush my own teeth, just laying in bed and sleeping my days away.
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self.depression
|
Anyone else feel like 2017 is the worst year of their life so far? [removed]
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self.depression
|
Can you love someone if you don't love yourself? I'm 30. I turn away every girl who is interested in me. Causal sex does nothing for me anymore. Every girl I'm attracted to has the worst personality. Every girl I like I'm not attracted to. Where are you woman in the middle? Do you exist?
I also avoid relationships because I would cheat and I wouldn't want to be selfish. I need a girl who keeps my full attention. Am I an asshole?
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self.depression
|
Do you know what it is like? To live with no mistakes,
To know that your every step is guided?
Do you know what it is like
To walk along knowing that your presence makes life better,
That just being there makes the sky brighter,
The world, better.
Do you know what it is like
to live in a perfect world,
To be a perfect being,
To be a god?
Do you know what it is like to be wrong?
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self.bipolar
|
has anyone ever taken a medical leave So I was a freshman in college and I had to take a leave of absence due to mental health reasons. Taking a leave of absence was one of the hardest decisions that I made. I only had 8 weeks remaining and it hurts to see what I lost. I love college. Although my health was going down the drain, I was willing to jeopardize it for my education.
I mean I guess I was pretty miserable and my grades were subpar. Taking a leave just sucks for me because I am a crazy ambitious person and college has been something that I basically worked my entire life for. I literally was so excited for college and I feel so defeated and upset at myself.
It hurts being home and back in my parent's house as I am the type of person who thrives on being away from home.
I need help. I'm having a very difficult time coming to terms with my decision.
I mean will my decision help me in the long run?
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self.Anxiety
|
What is Wrong With Me? I'm trying to figure out what I have. It seems like a little of everything. I'm in severe pain right now. I feel very bad, and having difficulty describing it. Maybe someone can help.
Symptoms:
Indescribable, horrible feeling/sensation. Not one of the traditional senses, or emotional. Not sure where it originates, kind of feels all over. If it was a smell it would be disgusting like rotting flesh or sewage. If it were a taste it would be chemical-like as if you were drinking bleach or ammonia or some kind of pure salt. You would spit it out immediately. I spit sometimes when I'm having an attack and when I was a child, i would dream that I was spitting salt into the toilet. It feels like snake venom inside me, inside my solar plexus and brain. Or like i've swallowed poison. I'm having difficulty writing, excuse me. It almost feels supernatural like demons are dragging my spirit off to hell. It is unimaginably horrible, cant even describe it.
Went to phychiatrist finally after years of soldiering on through it, going to a psychic who conned me out of all my money. Psychiatrist put me on Zoloft and Seroquel. Seroquel felt good immediately. Zoloft felt really good immediately, but eventually turned into a nightmare. Made the feeling worse and more often. Shrink said i might be bipolar and pulled the Zoloft immediately. Now on Kolonopin. Hard to say whats going on, might be having withdrawals from the ssri. Kpin makes me sleepy.
Help Me Please. It hurts
Going to repost eslewhere
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self.bipolar
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Socially awkward - life is already ruined i'm too scared to get a job. i am so socially awkward i'd fuck up and not cope even if i got the job
no money for me.
hate school and want to apply for something else. too scared socially
struggling but want to ask for help. too scared socially
i have no way out and want to die.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I got the courage to ask for a raise but now i'm having anxiety waiting for the answer I finally mustered up the courage to ask for a raise at work, but 3 work days later I still haven't heard anything. I'm starting to get anxiety about it now, of all times.
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self.Anxiety
|
I just don't want to be me anymore. Its so painful to be in my thoughts 80% of my waking day. The unbelievable thing is that I am so utterly alone but I want nothing to do with other people or making friends. Typing this out so painful because Im not posting for pity. I genuinely would be at peace to die tomorrow.
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self.depression
|
Does money bring happynes? Well so im 19y old who will soon go to university. I dont have the best parents my dad is a alcoholist mum is paranoid about everything so lately i feel emty actualy i have feeling empty for past few years. First time i had thoghts about suicede when i was 13 or 14.
Life feels so meaningless wake up, go to school, go home play pc or something like that. Sure i go out with friends to drink or do dumb stuff but lattely i have thought i have money for university for new car and much more but why do i feels so empty??
First time i thought about suicede by jumping from high building, second cutting my self to death third haging my self, last one get drunk and drive with a car in a tree or something like that...
So is there point in my life? I cant imagine myself in 3 or 5 years.
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self.SuicideWatch
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having a hard time watching tv... So this might be weird but does anyone else get secondhand embarrassment so bad that you can't even watch tv?
I start to feel it even before something obvious is going to happen and I have to stop watching or pause. Most of the time nothing even happens, I just overthink it and expect the worst. Makes it really hard to finish anything, even stuff that I like. Also makes it really hard to watch stuff with my SO because he gets frustrated when I can't watch a series anymore. Like I get anxious thinking about how the characters are going to have to be in an anxious situation.
Anyone relate?
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self.Anxiety
|
You can't choose your family Which is true, but I wish we could. Or at least, I wish my husband could.
The Holidays are supposed to be a happy occasion, but there's always this air of anxiety surrounding his family. There's always drama and problems that come our way from his parents. A lot of pressure is around my husband to take care of problems and to babysit his parents.
I wish he had the option to choose his family. He deserves to have a warm and caring family and it's just so hard to see him struggle his entire life because of his parents.
I had to get this out my chest... it's been inside me for years. I could say so much more but I'd never stop typing.
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self.offmychest
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I contemplated suicide and i thought i would do it tonight [deleted]
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self.depression
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Don't expect formatting or logic in this post. I'm just writing my thoughts as they come to me. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I think am done... Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose in life? Did I pick the wrong career? Do I really love my girlfriend? Do I really want to be a part of my family? Why do I feel this way? Why am I not normal?
Those are just some of the questions that haunt my mind every single day and keep fuelling my depression. I either come up with negative answers, or no answer at all. It's never ending. Every morning I wake up with these tormenting thoughts and then the spiral starts all over again. It's extremely overwhelming, and makes me quite anxious and hopeless. I just want to live with certainty, instead of questioning every single aspect of my life over and over again.
Guys I don't know what to do anymore. I have literally no one.. except parents.. I don't know my worth... As I write am crying cause am so damn alone I don't know what went wrong.. It's so tough that when I watch a nice anime series or listen to a song I have no one to talk to about it.. it's hard. I feel like ending my life. Being bullied, raped this that depression insomnia what else didn't I go through? Ask, there is alot. I wish I found peace? Maybe I better off dying I don't know I seek help still I get no response... I wish I never existed...
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self.depression
|
I can't wrap my head around the fact that it's possible to not be depressed I have a problem: I think a lot. Even when I don't want to, my mind just starts thinking about stuff and the things it thinks about usually aren't... good for me. I have to be doing something all the time or else it will start thinking. Sometimes about the future, sometimes about the past, but mostly it just fanasizes about different lives that I could be having (which makes me really sad). I can't stop it, and yeah, it sucks, but I've learned to deal with it by now.
However, I recently noticed something. When I'm thinking about worlds where my life is better, no matter how good it is, I'm always depressed. In my mind everything in that world is perfect, but I just can't imagine what life without depression is like, specially since I don't remember if I ever wasn't depressed.
I was talking with someone some time ago when he asked me if I actually had depression. I said yes, but that really weirded me out. *What does he mean?*, I thought, and asked him if he was depressed. He said that he wasn't, and that was when it hit me. *How can someone not be depressed in this life? Is life without depression even possible?*
By this point in life, I think it's just impossible for me to understand what life without it is like. It's become such a big part of my life that I don't know what I would be like if I didn't have it. And because of that, I don't know if I ever want to not be like this. Yes, depression is really scary, but the thought of having half of my personality taken from me scares me even more...
I don't know, I just felt like I needed someone to share this with and this subreddit looks like the best place to do so. Does anyone else feel this way?
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self.depression
|
I'm a prickly person My family hates being around me, it seems like. For good reason, too. I'm ungrateful and irritable and detached. It sucks, but I don't like being around them either. It's too draining. Being near people makes me feel sick to my stomach. My friends tolerate me. They think I'm an alright person, but sometimes I'm too clingy and that annoys them. When people who I don't know approach me, I come off as cold and mean, but only because I'm too shy to talk to them. I don't know how to anyways. I can answer questions in a conversation and parrot them back, which makes for a pretty boring and awkward exchange. On top of that, I'm a self absorbed flaming garbage ball who spends too much time wallowing in my own tiny puddle of problems when others have to deal with an ocean. Sorry for the rant. Needed to get that out somehow.
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self.depression
|
Finding ways to be humble and less self-focused. One thing anger, sadness, and all other negative emotion cause is withdrawal. I feel as though the world is focused on me and I'm not focused on the world. When things go wrong, of course they went wrong for me. When I wake up in a haze, memory is foggy, the better feelings the night before are gone, I'm sad, can't focus; it's the same thing as yesterday.
Perspective seems to slip in and out. Sometimes I remember what needs to be done to make this better. I then realize that the problems are not short term. There is no fix that is quick, but that's what my minds needs to jump the hurdles. It's already stressed. Why stress it more.
I'm beginning to think that the image I have of myself is an extension of belief and cherry picked ideas. That depression is not a static state, but a mixture of mind and body during a state of percieved hardship. An extension of your ability to thrive while you're in the dirt.
It's very hard to face the struggle. You want to push it away. It seems as though everything is impossible, but at the same time it's right there.
For me, it feels so easy to continue a cycle. Maybe it's personality, maybe it's environment. I forget the perspective of what it means to be a human, to be alive, to be in a position to take a hot shower, have a comfortable bed, music, television, community. The fact that I can't seem to get over the hump while there's always a person that is willing to listen.
But when we feel fine we don't reciprocate. We don't obsess over the issue. When we feel content we stop posting and worrying about others with depression. Because a fair share of this is intense self-scrutiny in the face of hardship. Remove the hardship and the analytical self reorganizes and moves on. I'm trying to learn that this about living your life in the worst and best times as best you can.
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self.depression
|
I guess this is asking for help, kinda sucks I’m usually not the type to reach out for help (hence the throwaway) but I don’t have a roadmap to deal with this. I can usually handle this. I can’t anymore and I don’t know why.
I’m that horrible cross between a hardcore, ambitious type A personality with nearly crippling daily anxiety. I often lead massive projects at work and am usually able to control my panic attacks and power through. When the project is finished I usually spend the next few weeks depressed until another project takes over my life. It’s never been pleasant but it’s always worked.
I am nearing the end of one of the largest projects I’ve ever taken on which will alter the course of my career and ultimately get me my dream job. This project has taken over my life, I can’t take free time anymore, I feel like I haven’t seen my partner in weeks, my panic attacks are getting out of control and I’ve just stopped sleeping. I’m so tired, I just want to sleep or die and I’m scared of the inevitable depression that will hit when this project finishes. I’m scared that the depression will be proportionally as out of control as the anxiety has been lately.
I’ve never not been able to handle my panic attacks before, I’ve always been able to get some sleep. Right now I get a few hours in a night before the nightmares wake me up. It’s gotten to the point where I’m afraid to go to bed. I just keep having the nightmares and I’m so tired. I’m already having the suicidal ideation and I keep thinking that if the anxiety is this bad completing the project how bad is the depression going to be when it’s over? What do I do here guys? I’m out of ideas and scotch. I have people depending on me and I can’t let them down by stopping the project or killing myself because I my little project is over.
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self.Anxiety
|
First psychologist appointment Does anyone remember their first appointment? I feel like I got nothing done. I know she needs to get to know me and everything but I had scheduled an hour and it was only 45 minutes. There was no help with my anxiety or anything but she wants me to come weekly... is this normal?
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self.Anxiety
|
Does anyone else have a million diagnoses? Xpost And no one seems to agree?
TL;DR Feeling invalidated by everyone's differing opinion.
I have to get a new pdoc see [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/BipolarReddit/comments/7bwo7h/lost_another_pdoc_why_is_finding_one_so_hard?sort=top) as to why.
I went to my primary and he will continue my meds for me. (Yay)
He told me that the paperwork he received from the prescribing psychologist said my DX was only major depressive disorder with psychotic features. It also had the wrong script dosages but that's a different story.
I know I am not my DX and that treatment not DX matters.
It feels incredibly invalidating though. Not just to being bipolar but it completely discounts CPTSD which is the one DX that's never been in question. My therapist at the same Clinic told me multiple times my diagnosis was indeed bipolar 2 with psychotic features. She also said that possibly would be changed to schizoaffective disorder.
So after my laundry list of providers I've been diagnosed at one point or another with
- PTSD
- major depressive disorder w/ psychotic features
- bipolar 2 w/ psychotic features
- borderline personality disorder
- generalized anxiety disorder
- mild neurocognitive disorder
I'm just tired of playing diagnosis Musical chairs. Bipolar was the only dx that I really related to besides PTSD.
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self.bipolar
|
I'm crazy and I know it. This is my proof. I've never told anyone these things, but had to get it out somewhere. It was last year that I experienced my first acute manic psychosis. I didn’t understand what was happening until my doctor diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. My manic episodes spun the whole world upside down and I couldn’t understand or grasp a sense of reality.
It’s been awhile since I’ve taken the time to write anything down that's significant about my life. I haven’t had an urge to write about anything at all, actually, which makes me sad because I always loved writing, regardless if I was good at it or not.
My panic attacks have been getting more frequent and worse than ever. To describe a panic attack… it just feels like you’re dying. I have attacks where I faint, black out and my body trembles/convulses due to anxiety. Other panic attacks put me in a paranoid stupor that I’m literally about to die and what I’m feeling is what dying feels like. That’s the simplest way I can describe anxiety/panic attacks in my own words. It sounds scary, because it is. However, with medication and positive life changes, I believe it is possible to overcome the anxiety and that’s what I’ve been sort of dealing with lately. Not to mention, the only thing I can think about is “embarrassing stories” related to being bipolar. I’ve been having a plethora of flashbacks everyday to my personal experiences with manic and depressive phases of my bipolar disorder. I’ve never told anybody about my experiences as deeply as I’m about to explain in the next paragraphs. I realized that by hiding these events in my life and shutting them away isn’t solving the problem and I have to face the fact that I’ve literally gone mad before.
I went crazy a few times before I started my medication (that has since ceased all manic psychosis and most of the depressive episodes that I experience). Most people try to describe what being bipolar feels like and I realized that just saying things like increased activity and energy, racing thoughts, irritability, a “high” might not get through to people who have never dealt with anyone who was bipolar. I’ll admit I didn’t even understand what was happening to me, but I do know that I loved how good I felt when I was manic. The depression was awful though. One time I stayed in bed for literally 7 days straight; I was just too sad and feeling too worthless to even move a muscle. Time felt like years and thoughts of suicide would flash into my mind. It’s like sitting in a room filled entirely with people who dislike you. Depression sucks. But like I said, the “high” of the mania made me feel like I had superpowers. It’s like drinking ten cups of coffee and you somehow wrap your mind around the most fantastic idea anyone has ever had. It’s like electricity running from my scalp to my toes. It’s like standing in a room full of people talking loudly, while the person you’re actually trying to talk to is whispering. It’s like a moving carousel and no one can stop it.
Things I’ve done or experienced during my acute manic psychosis episodes:
Take walks that lasted hours where I’d take three types of sunglasses because I thought I was in a video game. Each pair of glasses was a different level of the game and I was supposedly with the secret service doing missions. My mind would get wound up in what kind of cars were passing and people, creating scenes and dialogues in my head. And the feeling of being in a videogame is kinda awesome. You feel energetic and alert and something is entertaining your mind for hours filling you with really cool ideas and stories.
I’ve put on two dresses before and worn cloppy shoes outside and “tap danced” down the sidewalks and “irish danced” on corners in broad daylight because I thought that since I dreamt how to dance, I was actually going outside to see if I could. I remember someone stopping to videotape me on the cellphone. I had no idea what I was doing, but it made sense at the time. I remember screaming after her when the camera lady walked away, “it’s for my dad!” as if I had come to some sort of conclusion that I was dancing in some sort of remembrance of my father. Then the depression and anger kicked in because I thought my dad had died. I was boiling for hours.
I’ve ran into the woods and done cartwheels around trees because I thought I was in a music video. I know, crazy. Imagine what it would feel like shooting a music video… pretty awesome, I’d say. I felt pretty fucking awesome while it was happening. But…...then I realized there was no music video.
I’ve created three instagrams and a new facebook (who does that?) in like one day because I was so restless and hyperactive and have no reason behind them.
I experience heightened spirituality, a sign of my mania as well. At the same time, a major sign of my depression is a lack of spiritual significance. If you’ve ever watched the TV show, Shameless, and have seen the episode where Ian goes crazy and thinks that Jesus sent the cops or whoever and then gets arrested… I’ve experienced thoughts and emotions of that sort where I literally thought that my boyfriend was a prophet. I remember thinking one day that he could possibly be the reincarnated prophet, Matthew. One time when he was sleeping, I called him Matt to see if he would wake up. I suddenly had what seemed like a profound spiritual awakening, I felt as if I was waking up from a bad dream, as if my mind and body were merely figments of my imagination. I felt an incredibly transcendence and oneness with the universe, an experience I could only fathom to be spiritual. Back then, I didn’t know anything about bipolar disorder so these thoughts were confusing and liberating to me.
This began by deluded descent into my madness.
I was sent home from my job back then because I got to work and was in a manic episode. I got a text from my Mom and then forgot that I put my phone in my locker and thought that someone stole it out of my apron. I started thinking suspiciously of everyone, as if a detective. Then I tried finding my car keys in my apron (which they wouldn’t be there during work) and thought that since I didn’t have keys there that I didn’t have a car. And then the thoughts started racing and ideas started jumping and it got to the point where I had so many things running through my brain that I started crying and then asked my shift lead if he believed in God. I was sent home because he thought that I was on drugs. It was embarrassing. That’s the first time I’m admitting that happened to myself. I never wanted to accept the fact that I experienced psychosis on the level to where a manager thought that I was high and using illicit drugs.
I thought that I was JK Rowling for about two weeks.
I told my sister in the Virgin Islands that I wrote a book, when I didn’t.
I literally danced, crazy danced, and ran through a mall.
I convinced myself that I had Alzheimers Disease.
I once thought that a dog going up a hill was a spiritual representation of Jesus and his crusification so I video taped it, as if it was going to blow up the internet.
I thought that God was going to magically write a book for me and it would appear under my pillow one night, so every morning I woke up depressed as if I had just dreamt the next day was Christmas.
I thought that my boyfriend’s dad was Albus Dumbledore.
And…. then I thought I was Albus Dumbledore. Imagine feeling like Dumbledore. It was wild. And scary as hell. Then proceeded to make a gmail account for myself, naming it Albus Dumbledore. Now I have two gmail accounts, three instagram accounts and two Facebook accounts because… I HAVE NO IDEA.
These are just some of my experiences with being bipolar. It’s relieving to have these episodes of madness under control finally. I look back and think about these life events and get extremely embarrassed. However, I will admit, regardless of if I make this post public, it felt really fucking good to get those down on paper and just ADMIT that they happened. I feel like a weight has been lifted, for now. Being bipolar is scary, stressful and life changing, I’m overcoming the diagnosis day after day. I just hope these experiences help others understand what being “bipolar” means and that it’s more that just “mood swings.”
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self.bipolar
|
I think my dad heard me yelling at myself in the kitchen about killing myself [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Scared easily I hate scary and mysterious videos and stuff like that and I always get the urge to watch them but I know that I'll get so scared that it'll be all I think about for the entire week or month
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self.Anxiety
|
Manic anecdote you've shared as a hilarious story and looked up to expressions of horror? Like when I oh so hilariously grabbed the wheel of my friend's car and swore I would swerve us off the road if he didn't admit that all 5"3 of me was an intimidating and commanding presence (you weren't really joking, were you emma?)
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self.bipolar
|
I keep making stupid mistakes that mess up my life I keep making rash and stupid decisions that are making my life just that bit harder, and I don’t know why. I’m too embarrassed to tell them, because they’re just that stupid.
Wondering if others have done the same thing?
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self.Anxiety
|
Resentment My mom is largely what keeps me here when I don't want to be. She's an amazing woman who has given me everything she had. But, for whatever fucking reason, I wish she hadn't. I wish she didn't care. I wish I could just die without destroying her, and I often resent her for it when she absolutely does not deserve it. I feel guilty and fucked up.
I want to help people. I want to dedicate my life to a nonprofit that helps people with mental issues that can't afford treatment. If I died I could never achieve that goal and help those people. Yet, I often wish I wouldn't wake up. I just feel guilty and selfish.
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self.depression
|
Fragile I'm at a loss. Two years roughly since my last post. Two years of ups and downs passed by.
But here I am once more, but this time is different.
I've fallen apart, I've crumbled, I've broke beyond any visible repair. Every ounce of my body is screaming to just fucking kill myself. But I'm desperately trying to find the strength to not go through with this.
Yep you read correctly.
My reason I wanna live? I've been in a relationship with someone, someone so fragile, someone so amazing, they're perfect to me. They don't see their self worth though, they have issues with alcohol, depression, anxiety, self harm, suicide stuff... How could I hurt them further with suicide? Yeah yeah... You shouldn't live for anyone else but yourself. But that's not how it always works.
For reasons listed above, that's why I can't talk to them about being suicidal. I can't talk to anyone about it until 30th Jan (appointment with my GP). I reached breaking point the other day. I feel like my ability to hold off this dying stuff is fading.
I'm so lost. I'm so lonely. Every voice in my head is telling me to die.
I'd really appreciate any company and/or advice.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Whenever i close my eyes I can feel someone watching me. Someone right behind me, and I can hear talking all around me. I feel like I'm being studied, like nothing around me is actually real and I'm just locked in a room somewhere and this is all in my head.
Part of me says that can't be true, this is the bipolar, I need to step up trying to find a new doctor and getting back on medication sooner than later. But that part of me is getting drowned out by everything else more and more as the day goes on.
It's going to be a long day at work today.
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self.bipolar
|
I just realised something... WE ARE FREAKEN SUPER HEROES
Okay so kind of stupid but i realised that we do some extraordinary things. Most people don't have to fight themselves to get up, or to go outside but we do. It's a constant struggle yet we still do it.
You are stronger than any "normal" person because they did not have to have a full on battle with themselves to just get up. They did not have to force down those thoughts just to go outside to buy something. They don't have to experience the constant fear that looms so large in our life and still have the courage to keep going. BUT YOU DO
I know this is ridiculous but i just hope it makes you realise that you are damn amazing for not giving up...so just keep trying and being amazing.
Keep on being a super hero
Sorry for the randomness and thanks for reading
:D
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self.Anxiety
|
How do you guys stay motivated? I’ve been hypomanic for 2 weeks now, probably the longest period thus far, and I’ve had an exhausting day and I’m worried it’ll trigger a depressive episode as feeling tired generally triggers horrible feelings. I had a lot of ideas and projects in the works, but I’m scared I’ll end up back in a cycle of starting things but randomly getting depressed and being unable to finish them. How do you guys cope with long days and find a way to stay motivated? Or stay focused on projects/work in general, without reverting back to a really self-depreciating headspace?
Side note: Not formally diagnosed yet but I have an appointment coming up and my therapist and I have been talking through bipolar disorder together for weeks. We feel it’s the right diagnosis in addition to my PTSD and Panic Disorder. Not on any medication yet.
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self.bipolar
|
I finally reach a point that I want to kill myself but haven't because I haven't found a painless way to do it yet. I am 26 years old illegal immigrant struggling in the U.S, I thought things were going to turn up but now things keep stopping from wanting to achieve my dreams. I feel alone and I dont even want to talk to my mother about this because it would crush her. The last couple of days have started to really drag my morale down and I feel like actually killing myself. I havent done it yet because I am a punk when it comes to pain. I am just rambling at this point but I just made a throw away just so I can talk to a bunch of faceless redditors.
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self.SuicideWatch
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What now? Hi. Props to you if you read this, it is quite long, boring and probably excessively self-indulgent..
So, a couple of years ago, I graduated and after a lot of working for free, found a way into working my full time dream job. Whilst were many areas of my life were unfulfilled, I had stability, inspiration and drive, and a love for life that kept me going. I did deal with the occasional bout of suicidal feelings, as I have PTSD from trauma that occurred through abuse in early life. However, that was why I worked so hard at my career. It was the only thing I had.
I was living at home with my family to begin with. My sister has mental health problems so things weren't exactly stable or peaceful. But I was out of the house for the most part.
So, several months into what was turning out to be the start of an incredible career, my Mum cheated on my Dad, and my Dad threw her out of the house, and me, just for being related to her. It was okay for her, she just shacked up with her then boyfriend, but me? I had no place to go. I wound up sofa surfing, I couldn't cope with the stress, and I had to quit my job. I had no money and ended up living on a credit card. A previous commission turned into £4,000 worth of debt to an employer who wouldn't take my situation into account and who sent the bailiffs after me. I had to cancel my bank accounts. My credit score is fucked, and I can no longer afford the things I needed for my career- or just need in general. Not that it matters now.
It's been around a year and a half since I was originally made homeless, and I've since moved back in with my mum, who's no longer seeing her dumbass drug addict boyfriend, and while I'm thankful for that, she regularly puts me down, saying I'm lazy, entitled, etc.
I was working in a retail store until last week, but it was a temporary contract and my employer made me redundant due to lack of business (they are usually busier this time of year, and it was a small, local company..). Although it wasn't what I wanted to do, I was enjoying working there, as my colleagues were very nice. I did feel as though it was a very stagnant, dead end job, though, with no career progression. And for my age, the wage is inappropriate.
My mother wants me to move out, but how can I when the wages are so low that I'd have to work a 60 hour week just to be able to afford to survive? Surviving, only to get up and work another meaningless, dead-end day, it's fucking killing me. I don't have anybody to be a guarantor for me, so I'd have to probably sublet or something.
Aside from all of this, a poor diet and lack of money for food over a year and a half means I'm pretty fucking malnourished to be honest, and I honestly think a 60 hour week would literally kill me.
I don't dream anymore, now, because my dreams are all un-achievable. I don't have any relatives. I don't want to work in care, but that's all there is for me now. I'm really depressed. I'm in a relationship with a guy who is 7 years my senior, has extensive family who care about him, and is achieving his dreams, honestly I'm really jealous of him. He will probably leave me, for somebody better, prettier, healthier, happier, somebody who has lots of family and who doesn't have these problems.
I tried to call my Dad the other day. He won't pick up the phone to me, and neither will any of my other relatives.
I keep thinking why would anybody want to be with me, because I can't do anything fun, I'm always so unhappy, I don't enjoy anything anymore, music, art, sex, it means nothing to me, and I just feel totally utterly numb. It's like, the despair over the loss of my job and my identity has gone away, and it's just been replaced by this flatness, sadness and lethargy. I used to have so much energy, but my soul has been crushed from everything I've been through.
I'm so unhappy, I want to just disappear.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Anxiety in Tokyo Sorry for the wall of text on this post,I have a lot on my mind.I flew to Tokyo yesterday. I'd been so depressed/anxious i had barely left the house since leaving high school in June, So my parents booked me a trip to Tokyo knowing I've always had an interest in japan and thought it might help me overcome my anxiety. I didn't really want to go but they insisted. My family have never been on a holiday abroad before so It's not that I was trying to be ungrateful, I know they had to save for a long time for this to happen. I just knew my anxiety would be too much to enjoy it
.But I had to go, so I came here with my sister and her boyfriend (both 26) because I have no friends left and this entire time I've felt that I'm a burden to them/annoying them. After a 14 hour flight (my first ever) in darkness( they forced us to close the window blinds the entire time) and no sleep, we landed in Japan. We had to go through border control and I'd never been through it before. My sister (who has been abroad many times with her friends) didn't bother to explain it to me and walked off. So I went up to the window and handed them all the things I needed to, and something was apparently wrong because the guard started saying something in japanese. I had no clue, but figured it was because my sister didn't even give me the hotel address to write down before she left so I went to find her. I found her at another window and the guy there asked for my passport but I hadn't realised I'd left it with the other guard. Panic ensued, and when we finally got through I was barely holding it together. I think I would have been fine if my sister hadn't started shouting at me right there and then, saying I could have gotten us all arrested and how could I do this ect. At this point I was crying and hyperventilating uncontrollably so we went to the bathroom to get tissues and she explained that she didn't care if I had anxiety, I couldn't do this here.My sister is quite nice most of the time so she was probably just stressed but saying that didn't help at all. So after going through the rest of the airport crying, we've finally gotten to the hotel and every time I say something my sister and her bf look at me weirdly so I'm not speaking much. I just want to go home. I miss my family so much.
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self.Anxiety
|
I hope everyone here is having a good 2018 so far. As always, we're all here to help. Much love to everyone.
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self.Anxiety
|
What is the most ridiculous thing people have said about your anxiety?
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self.Anxiety
|
Experiences with Effexor? I have been on Effexor for about 6 weeks. Started on 37.5mg for three weeks then 75 mg for three weeks. I have an appointment with my doctor on Friday to follow up on progress. (Note: I am also going to therapy and doing other things to help)
I am not sure I am seeing any results. I still feel anxious all the time and continue to ruminate on things for days. I have had less panic attacks though, which is good news- but the persistent anxiety is still there and still interfering win my day to day. I haven’t had any negative side effects though, other than the occasional low grade headache.
For others on this medication, when did you notice it working? I’m not sure if it is a medication or dosage issue, which I will certainly discuss with my doctor. I’m jus t curious about other people’s experiences. Would love some insights!
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self.Anxiety
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My best friend died and my mom tried to slit her wrists all within the last 3 days. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I’m happy but I’m thinking about suicide. I’ve been really happy of late, like really, just grinning for no reason, but I have these thoughts. I think they’re related to my anxiety about what others think of me but even in these moments when I feel on top of the world and that nobody can touch me something comes in and says “I don’t want to be alive anymore”. I hope this doesn’t get blocked for the language but what the fuck is going on?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Why is it that I can be there for everyone/anyone with a full heart, but no one is ever there for me? This may sound arrogant but I am extremely selfless. I am there for anyone who falls, I am always a listening ear. We haven't talked in a long time or we've never hardly talked ever? I'll get in the car, find a ride, give you my last dollar to help. I know what it's like to be at the bottom, to be depressed, to be broke, to be without food, to be without transportation. I will always help however I can and give all I have.
When I get depressed, sick, broke, need a ride, need food, need money to pay the bills, need christmas for my little boy... Everyone disappears. Everyone is too busy, ignores me, tells me I'm annoying, treats me like I am lazy, that I am not doing enough, and that I am selfish for needing the help back that I gave. I guess I expect too much out of people, but when you have NO ONE, you try to put your faith in someone. This is why I am depressed all the time.
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self.depression
|
I think I'm just going to start working as much as possible Obviously human relationships are too much to ask for so I'll just fill the void with money. Fuck it, no more feelings. Just hedonism.
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self.depression
|
Hangover anxiety Damn, I was doing better but saw some friends yesterday and ended up drinking quite hard. Now I have hangover and feel anxious.
I really need to be better at saying no to alcohol. The evening was fun, I saw some childhood friends and all went well. But now I feel that I wasted all the good process of my last days and am back in square one.
I am not sure if this made any sense but wanted to reach out and get it of my chest. Well, now to the shower.
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self.Anxiety
|
How do I know the difference between hypomania and just not being depressed anymore? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
Panic attack after they've been gone for more than a year? Right now I'm experiencing a panic attack. It occurred after I took a shower. It's weird because they've been gone for more than a year. It also is really weird, because a shower normally calms me down...
Do you guys have any experience with panic attacks reoccurring after more than a year?
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self.Anxiety
|
What are your favorite coping mechanisms for dealing with stress?
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self.bipolar
|
Rows with depression continue
From 12 to 22, I've changed. My idealism has been stripped away. I've noticed to the extent that relationships are transactional. That my overly empathetic nature is useless in self-serving society. There's not really such a thing as selfless love.
I can't feel very much, probably as a result of my medication. All I can do is act and feign interest when I interact. And I have little desire to interact. It's become a very false thing to me. I feel no true loyalty to anyone.
I hate myself for all the time I waste not doing anything. I enrolled in university halftime to give myself a mental break, but it just lead to laziness. These past months flew by as I overslept and overindulged in shows.
I know I ought to be studying and making myself a more appealing job candidate. I know I should do these things for my future self (who I'm screwing). But I can't. I frequently just run away from reality via sleep or fall into portrayals of idealized worlds with infallible protagonists.
There's nothing I really want here. When I manage to peel myself away from the screen, I'm sort of horrified by reality.
As a teen, I used to at the very least keep up with things, read, enjoy learning. I wouldn't let myself fall behind even if I was alone. I was working towards one day having a fulfilling life. That hope. It's gone.
I don't care anymore.
Only recently I was able to whole-heartedly cry and realize my pain. I can't forgive myself for allowing myself to degrade this far. I'm afraid I can only sink lower.
I know what I should do. Go outside, interact, work hard. But I can't slay my dragons. I have atrophied so far I can't even recognize myself. I'm a shell of who I was.
And there's no way I'm leaning on anyone else for this. People don't really want to hear or deal with others' problems. People only care as much as it benefits them to.
I'm sorry to say that. Maybe I'm a fool but that's what life taught me.
I will fuck up my life if I continue down this path. It's not immediately recognizable, the damage one does when they live passively.
So, co-miserate with me. Give me some tough love. Words of encouragement.
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self.depression
|
I have a question about switching doctors I've been doing so much better when it comes to my mood disorder. I'm not rapidly switching between anger and sadness and hypomanic episodes. Which is great! I feel more in control of things and although I still get very depressed I can at least handle it better
Only problem is that the mental health center that I go to has been acting strange lately. We had an agreement through them and the insurance company that because they cover more than the minimum balance, that I don't have a copay. Due to a bunch of staffing changes at the center, they refuse to honor the agreement and now have billed me $90 per appointment! Which is insane! I'm nearing the end of my medication and do need a new prescription. Long story short I need to switch doctors.
Problem I'm having is that with this new doctor, I don't want him to fuck with my meds. I like where I'm at. I feel this combination works for me and the doses are perfect! (100mg of Lamictal, 40mg of vyvanse) the lamictal prevents spikes in my mood, and keeps me very level headed. The vyvanse takes away the drowsiness from the lamictal (I was sleeping through classes before) and I also previously had a very hard time focusing, and now it's so much easier! I also would binge eat when I was depressed, causing me to gain weight (I was 300 pounds!) since starting the vyvanse not only has my attention, irritability, and over all lack of energy improved, but also I don't emotionally eat anymore. I eat when I'm hungry, that's it!
I need to refill my prescription soon, and I'm anxious that a new doctor will be like "oh I want you to try something new"
I stressed to my previous doctor that I don't want gaining weight as a side effect, not because of the binge eating, but because I can't afford to keep buying clothes because I keep gaining weight due to the emotional eating. I'm scared they will wanna taper me off, and I feel like I need to be regulated! New doctors I feel get cocky and are like "well I'm gonna be better and switch things up"
My anxiety about all this financial stuff, and my mental health, is taking over my day. I'm trying not to worry about it...
Anyone have advice?
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self.depression
|
I'm not quite sure what's the point of living anymore My life sucks. Growing up, I always was one of those kids who had a lot of potential to do something great. Smart, quick study, passion, motivation. But throughout growing up I also struggled with severe depression and social anxiety. It got bad near the end of high school to the point I was having panic attacks and wasn't able to go to school though I graduated on time. I was somehow able to brush that under the rug and kind of became numb to my actual feelings.
I made it through college and gained a lot of social skills that helped me with social anxiety so now it is completely manageable to the point of almost nonexistent. While in college, I lost almost all of the motivation and passion that I had back when I was young. I lost interest in most of my hobbies to the point I'm not even sure what I like to do anymore. Then, when I graduated, finding a job was so difficult and bleak that I threw away most of my hopes and dreams.
With all of that in mind, the point that I'm at is I've been in a relationship for 5 years. I have a job that pays pretty well. I have 2 cats and a dog and I barely have to worry about money. That's all the good.
The bad: My job is awful. My boss is a total bitch. I don't want to delve into that but she makes work a nightmare. On top of that, the hours are shit. It can be up to 70 hours a week and I'm salary so I don't get paid for it. I don't have time to do anything when this is going on, and don't have the energy for it anyway. All of the employees I'm in charge of are 50+ years old and complain all the time. The place is running down, and all the work I do to make it better is thankless and honestly, not worth it. I had always wanted to have a job where I felt like I was doing something good. I have a degree in science and was hoping to do something for the environment or conservation. Instead I work for a logging company. I have worked 8 different jobs in the last 3 years and really really really really do not want to have to find another job.
I hate the city I live in. I hate the people. They're all entitled suburbites or poor drug addicts. There's barely anything to do around here and all the food sucks. I've lived in bigger, more liberal cities, where I fit in with the people and had decent food options. Having nothing to do has been really hard. On top of this, the neighborhood I live in has shit stolen all the time, break ins, someone even got killed recently.
I've been living here for a year now, and have yet to make any friends. I get along with some of my coworkers, but not to the point that they're my friends. I have few friends outside this area anyway and have always struggle with making and maintaining friendships.
Then there's my boyfriend. This summer we almost broke up. He was having an emotional relationship with one of his coworkers. I had a feeling something was up and asked him about it. He told me there was nothing to worry about. A few weeks later that feeling came back, so this time I took the low road and snooped on his phone. There was a lot of flirting. That made me feel sick. Shit hit the fan. I was already really lonely this summer because he worked far away and camps, like I said I have no friends, and then whenever he was around, I had to struggle to get him to do anything with me. When I found out this was going on, things pretty much broke between us. I'm having a really hard time thinking about this time, so I'm going to skip it. I don't know how we didn't break up.
Things have been better between us. We had a fight a week or so ago. He essentially said, the only reason he was with me still was because he thought if he left, I would kill myself. He was saying he couldn't handle the fighting. That he didn't know if he wanted to settle down and have a family or stay living here. I asked him then why was he with me. Why didn't he just leave, and he said he couldn't make that decision because he was worried in a year he would regret it and that he couldn't live with himself or face my family if he left, and I killed myself. I told him don't make your decisions based off that. If you don't want to be with me, then leave. He backpedaled pretty soon after that and told me he wanted to be with me. He's probably right though. If he left, I would have so little left to live for. The night of that fight, I had tried to get him to leave to his parent's house so that I could kill myself.
This brings it all to tonight. This is the first time I've been alone in my house for a very long time. He's out of town for the next few days. This is my chance to do it. I hate my job, I hate my home life, I hate where I live. I don't have the energy to make any of it better, or even know how I could make it better. My relationship is the only thing that's holding me here and it sucks and isn't healthy. I don't know how I'm going to live much longer.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Hair loss bums me out, pill(finasteride) can have negative effects on neuronal functioning/depression Oh well, took it. I’ll keep you guys updated. I have determined that I’m just anxious about my return to college and maybe going through a career midlife crisis.
My general sadness isn’t really comparable to some folks in this community so I won’t complain. I just feel bummed out that I haven’t made much progress towards my career path. Also I’m freaking balding..
I think I’m using variety tv shows as escapism as I always fantasize and wonder what life would be like if I was them. Tomorrow I’m going to follow up on the schedule I’ve set myself up with and study... be productive.
I’m still not sure if I’m depressed or just going through a small phase of the blues. Maybe it’s just really mild.. but then who doesn’t have depression then?
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self.depression
|
This is my "yell into the abyss" moment as an intern. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
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