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I [30F] don't want to go to my sister's [29F] wedding in two days Some backstory:
* We grew up with and abusive narcissistic mother, who chose to me as her target.
* My sister took the side of our mother on most occasions, including times when child protective services were involved.
* As my depression set in during middle school years, she began bullying me during school hours. Sometimes getting big groups of students involved. I was living with my grandmother at the time because of the abuse and this was the only time we interacted with each other.
* When my mom stopped wanting her too, I dropped out of school so I could provide a home and income for her to continue her education.
* A couple years later she had a year long relationship with my ex, behind my back.
* We've spent the past ten years going from close friends to not talking, depending upon when she wanted our mother back in her life. I've been no contact with our mother since I was 18.
* I would provide free babysitting for my nephew (from a one night stand, so she was a single mom) while I was working and going to school fulltime. When she would fight with me, she always made up with me the day before she needed a sitter.
* We went no contact with our entire Catholic family five years ago because she came out as a lesbian and they disowned her. I did the loyal thing (in my mind) and sided with my sister.
I honestly believe that I try to be supportive of her and a good friend. At times I feel like I unintentionally became too much of a mother figure.
Fast forward to last Saturday, I was spending time with my SO's family (mom, sister, & niece) in a shopping center. We're early in the relationship (five months) and I'm still trying to make a good impression. Coincidentally, my sister was at the same shopping center. I suggested we meet for dinner. Biggest regret.
My sister dated a friend of my SO's about 15 years ago and that subject came up. So my sister thought it was funny to talk about his penis size, for an uncomfortable amount of time. Then continued the conversation by insulting my SO saying he was gay because he never had a girlfriend back when she first met him. (This shouldn't be an insult, and she is gay, so she really worked hard to drive home the idea that it was an insult.) I begged and pleaded for her to stop and even tried changing the topic.
At this point she is using the n-word obnoxiously loud. We are Mexican, SO's family is white, the ex of 15 years ago is black. There is a very quiet black family behind her that keeps looking over and is obviously offended. I'm so embarrassed and finally tell everyone it's time to go.
My SO and I get in the car and I just start crying. I told my sister that she really embarrassed me and hurt my feelings. She responds that I am dramatic, and she did nothing wrong. I am upset for no reason. and if I'm so hurt by her just being herself that I should just never talk to her again.
This morning (Wednesday), she sent a text reaching out that she is sorry. I'm sure it's just because I'm in her wedding and she can't piss anyone else off because 3 people already dropped out of her bridal party. She isn't nice to anyone, including her friends.
I don't know what to do anymore. I try to set boundaries but she doesn't respect them. I'm truly hurt. If I don't participate in her wedding, I know I will hurt her. If I do, I know I'm hurting myself and my dignity. I keep allowing her to treat me this way and I don't know how I can change our relationship at this point.
tl;dr
My sister and I have more than a rocky past and current relationship. She completely embarrassed me in front of my SO's family last weekend. I really don't feel like I want to be a part of her wedding in 2 days because I feel like she isn't sincere in her apology.
edit: formatting
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self.offmychest
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Would you talk to me? I need help right now.... [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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My girlfriend left me earlier this month. This is going to be a long post. We lasted a little over a year. The TLDR wont do it justice.. there are a lot of details I want to hit on. But I'll leave one here anyways.
I used to experience depression on a daily basis. Was finally seeking help and was on medication throughout the duration of this relationship. Couldn't tell if it was the medication or her that was making me feel better and more motivated.
TLDR; We had a perfect relationship. Like everything was too good to be true. I moved to her city, and it was great. One night I had an edible, and became extremely paranoid that she was cheating on me. Paranoia lasted ~5 months. And then she left me, I moved home, am getting help from therapy and medication. I can't stop thinking about her. And I know I should've gotten help sooner. I was ready to marry this girl, and now I'm just absolutely crushed and want her back.
Please bear with me through this post. I wanted to hit on as many details as I could... I'm really not doing well emotionally right now, and I would really appreciate it if some of you took the time to read through this and try and understand my situation.
So I met this girl in October 2016. Well, we met online back in the summer. I tweeted about a Young the Giant concert I wanted to go to in LA (as a half joke), and she was literally searching for people tweeting about it. I lived in Washington, and she lived in SoCal. But she messaged me anyways. I thought it was so weird. We chatted about the band a little bit. Sent messages to each other when new singles came out from their new album, but I didn't think much of it. Then I decided I would go on that trip to LA. See them live, and just force myself out of my comfort zone for a few days. So me and her decided we would see the show together as friends.
So October comes around, I'm in LA, and we go to the show together. We basically talked nonstop until we got to the show. The concert was magical, we were able to share our excitement for each song that came on and it was such a unique feeling. After the show, we grabbed dinner, and since she lived kinda far away, I invited her to stay at my Airbnb. And even then, we weren't really thinking of it as much. She told me she was talking to a guy, and I wasn't really looking for a partner at that time anyways, especially long distance. On the way to the Airbnb, we put Young the Giant on, and just sang together. Picked up on all the little details and it was so amazing to bond in that way. We both loved and knew (almost) all the words to every one of their songs.
As the night went on, I started to realize how much I liked this girl. We got to the airbnb, wound down, and just laid there singing the songs and talking about our lives.... until maybe like 6am. We got to a point where we cuddled and made out for a bit and it got a little frisky. We were just so comfortable with each other. I loved her mind, and we bonded so easily and so well.
I explained how we met in so much detail, partially because I'm grieving and dwelling on shit. But also to paint a picture of how my love for this girl came to be. I thought she was cute, but not like drop dead gorgeous at first. But as the night progressed, she became more and more attractive to me. Just as a human. And she became the most beautiful person I had ever met. Her beauty is so unique, I can't put it into words. She doesn't need makeup, she just needs to be herself.
Anyways, we considered that the beginning of our relationship. I never really "asked her out" We just talked every single day after that. We started talking on the phone at night, and then Skyping almost every night. And we made long distance work. We were so happy. It was unreal honestly. She came to visit the NW a couple times. And I went down there in April to visit. She supported me and helped me become who I am today. When I left for my trip to LA before I met her.. I was searching for myself. She helped me find that. And I helped give her the support and love she needed to deal with school and her controlling parents. The only real problem with our relationship, is that she would have to keep me from her parents. They're very traditional Asian parents, and I'm a White boy who's not in school. But that didn't matter to us. We wanted to make it work. But I understand this could've made it a little harder for her. I was never anxious about her cheating on me. My trust for her was rock solid and so was her trust for me.
I decided to move out to LA in May. I had wanted to move away from home for years, and I finally had a reason too. I also got a promotion at work from it. So at the end of May, I lived out there and was able to see her almost every day. It was amazing. I loved it so much. We couldn't live together, but she lived nearby for school. And then her summer classes got cancelled, and she had to move ~an hour away back with her parents. Who didn't know about me. So we just talked on the phone again and were able to see each other about once a week.
Then around the end of June.... I had the urge to get high. At home(in the NW), I would smoke occasionally, and took edibles sometimes. It never really affected our relationship in a negative way. She just didn't necessarily like that I did it sometimes. But she didn't want to hold me back from doing what I wanted.
So I couldn't smoke weed in the house I was living in. So I bought an edible. I had around a normal dose I believe. I was texting her on the phone at the time. Kinda minding my own business. But I took notice that she didn't seem to be replying as quickly as usual, and was giving me short responses. This triggered some kind of anxiety within me. So I asked to talk on the phone. On the phone... I was hearing noises like her clicking her mouse, or adjusting in her chair... but I started attributing it to her either sucking a guys dick or fucking a guy while we were on the phone. I was terrified and I asked her to video chat me. So she did, but I felt like she was purposefully slightly off camera, and I thought she was moving in a way that made it look like she was fucking someone in front of me. I was freaking out, and asked her to show me certain angles of the room, and I just always thought she was turning so fast, or angled the camera in a way where I couldn't see what was going on. Keep in mind, I was extremely high at this point... I began having a panic attack and didn't know what to do. I don't remember exactly how that night ended... I just know she told me she was scared and she never wanted to see that happen again. I didn't know what to think...
Thinking back to it now. It scares me to even think about it. Because I fully believed this was happening, and I still question things that I saw and heard.
The next few days after that... I just didn't know what to believe... I started to ask her to show me proof of where she was. And I began to be very observant of how quickly she replied. I became pretty obsessive over her.... she was the only thing I had out there to make me happy. That was the biggest mistake I made... was relying on her for my happiness out there.
Some days I'd feel anxious and ask for her to like.. send her location or send a snapchat. Other days I'd be 100% fine.
We still got to see each other once or twice a week. But we didn't speak on the phone really anymore. It scared both of us. But when we actually hung out, we would have an amazing time and could forget about all the shit that happened. We were able to make some really good memories still. We were still really happy, went to concerts together.
Our relationship was a little bit tense after that though.. started arguing over some stupid things, but it never escalated to anything crazy because we could both realize that we don't need to argue about these things.
At a certain point. Things seemed to start getting better. We started playing a video game together with my friends in October. And I was feeling a bit better. We were able to talk every night and I wasn't feeling too anxious.
I should mention, before October, I began building this belief that she may be involved with one of my single roommates in the house I was living in. I would hear noises from his room that I thought sounded like her. Or I'd hear him sneaking somebody into the house. It was all really dumb, because if I was feeling anxious about it, I'd get proof from her that I was wrong. But for some reason that belief was still there. It came and went. But if there was a night where I heard him sneak someone in late, I would get anxious and have troubles sleeping.
Anyway
So she had to leave for all of November. She was going out of the country with her family. We hung out one last time, a few days before she was leaving and we had an amazing time... cried together because we wouldn't see each other for another month. (And I was also planning on leaving to move back home in the middle of December anyways) But we thought it would be good for us... good for me to know she's on the other side of the world and not cheating on me.
but before she left... at the very end of October... I started craving weed again..... and had a little bit of another edible. That night... she had 2 friends over who were in town. I saw her send snapchats with her friends... but when I was high this didnt matter. When I was high.. this fueled it. Because "why is she sending me so much "proof" this night in particular" So I had another paranoia incident. Video chatted her. Nothing she did helped. I think that's when she lost her love for me.
She left for her trip. I started going to therapy because I needed to fix this.
I was scared she was going to end it. I wanted to keep texting her as much as I could, but she was in a different time zone so we couldn't keep in touch as easily. I was still anxious when she was gone. I still felt the fucking need to ask for proof when she was on the other side of the world. She came back at the beginning of December... We had one more day together... Returned some of my furniture to IKEA because I was getting ready to move away. We spoke about things. She was so numb about it all. She couldn't tell me she loved me. She couldn't even kiss me. I begged her to stick with me through this. I'm getting help. I'm going to be moving home and be around other things to obsess over......
She didn't end it that day after IKEA. I tried my best to adjust my head, so I wasn't thinking about her as much. It was that same night.. I had been playing Fallout 4. Distracting myself so I wasn't thinking about her so much. I noticed she hadn't replied for like an hour, but wasn't worrying myself about it.
And then I heard my roommate sneak someone in. And then I got a text from her
It was kinda weird to me. I went to the bathroom, and sent her a text. And I heard a phone vibrate in the other room.
I immediately went into a panic attack.. tried taking deep breaths.. a long warm shower.. but nothing helped. I had to video chat her. I needed proof.
I called her multiple times and she wasn't picking up. Then when she finally picks up.. she's in her office at home. pissed at me. She was unpacking with her mom....
I told her I'm sorry and I understand if she wants to leave me. But I begged her to show me some empathy for that specific situation. She couldn't. She didn't. She left me the next day.
I became somewhat suicidal. I reached out for help. Talked to my family. And moved home 2 weeks earlier than I planned.
I'm going to therapy. I'm on new medication from my doctor. I'm home and able to do the things that I love... the things that I ditched when I moved out there for her.
I've been begging her for another chance. Just to be friends with her, speak on the phone, and watch TV together like we used to. But she wont budge. She has no desire or love for me anymore.
I'm so crushed because she helped me become the person I wanted to be. She made me happier than I thought was possible And then I went crazy and ruined it all.
I just want her back. Every day I'm so depressed. I know it's only been a few weeks since the breakup. But I can't distract myself. All I want is to be happy again.
Like I love who I am right now as a person. I'm looking at all of this as a learning experience. I feel like I have the power to move on from her. But I don't want to. She was perfect. I want to be able to show her that I'm improving and I'm doing good for myself. And I want her to be here to support me. And I want to be there to support her.
Sorry for any typos. I don't have the power to read through all this again right now. I'm just so sad. If you could give any advice.. I know a lot of it will just be "look ahead and move on"... but it's so much easier said than done.
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self.depression
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I've been afraid to help myself for too long, not going to be afraid anymore! I've been working hard. Trying to improve myself as much as I can. I've gotten over some pretty big hurdles lately. I started seeing a therapist a little over a month ago and have an appointment next Tuesday to see a doc so we can look at medication options.
I've scheduled an appt with a new dentist, have gone out of town, went to a local festival with big crowds. These are all things I would have never done even 2 months ago.
I still feel most days like I'm not getting any better, but these things that would be small to so many people are huge deals for me! Maybe there really is a light at the end of the tunnel!
I'll quit bragging on myself now. I'm having a good couple days and it's been great! :)
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self.Anxiety
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Exquisitely Doomed When I’m self-indulgently manic it’s like I’m plummeting down a well with glittery broken wings, falling faster and faster.
As I dive my heartbeat pulses with exhilaration, my sparkling thoughts are hypnotically destructive, and as I bang my head on each rock jutting out from every which way, as I sink quicker and quicker into the black brilliance, I just laugh to myself, babble, and conclude that with every crack of skull on concrete I can see brighter, think clearer, and all around transform into
My fucking fantastic true self.
Until I hit the ground with a deafening crash and a cringing thud that everyone else seems to hear but me, and there I am, flat on the floor, my ears ringing until there’s absolutely nothing, my eyes glassy, cracked, and leaking rainbows, and all I do is die with a smile on my bloody lips.
Breathtaking.
https://medium.com/invisible-illness/exquisitely-doomed-a9963d2288b1
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self.bipolar
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Every work day is a new day for my anxiety attacks [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I'm okay for periods of time, then it all comes back. It's so hard to feel happy and mildly okay for a little. I can go for about a week, maybe more, of life seeming worth it. It makes me question why I ever think about suicide. But then I'll realize that's not accurate. I'll see that everyone around me hates me, I'm hopeless in every aspect and I have no future or point of even being here. How do I deal with these back and forth shifts in mood? Is this just life?
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self.SuicideWatch
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What are your coping methods? Ran out of anxiety meds and I can't handle how I feel right now. Can you share some of your coping methods so I can calm down a bit?
Thank you!!
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self.Anxiety
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Is masturbation related to depression? I'm feeling a little bit depressed lately (a few months), mostly when I'm at home, and I'm masturbating a lot more since I'm feeling this way, which led me to this question.
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self.depression
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I just got engaged but I can't let anyone know My boyfriend (fiancee?!) and I have known each other for 7 years but have only been dating for ten months. However the last nine months were spent homeless, traveling across the country in my tiny Subaru with each of our dogs, spending 24/7 together. We have already been through so much together and he is the love of my life. I've been through a bunch of fucked up past relationships and my outlook on love has been very cynical since I was 16 or so. He has also had a pretty damn difficult life, having became an orphan at age 15 and being mostly homeless with very little support since then. But we are both now 23 and I'm dating someone who is my best friend, so supportive, makes me laugh, takes care of me, and I have the best fucking sex with, and I know he feels the same about me. We're not telling anyone because it's been so short that we've been dating and even though we're finally not homeless and working we're still way too broke for a ring. But my cynical, PTSD-from-past-abuse-havin' ass actually just got engaged to my best fucking friend and I'm so goddamn excited to spend the rest of my life with him!!! Every time I look at him I just start tearing up from happiness that after so much bullshit my life has put me through in the past ten years there was actually a light at the end of the tunnel all along. I had resigned to believing that other people could find happiness and true love but that wasn't for me and I was okay with that. But I fucking did, I am so deeply in love and fall more in love every damn day!! If you're out there thinking that life has nothing for you and have developed a cynical outlook on life because of past events, it can change, life throws curveballs and most of the time they're shitty but sometimes they're FUCKING AWESOME!!!
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self.offmychest
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Possibly on the verge or already failed a mEDICAL School class. .
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self.Anxiety
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I'm depressed So 3 days before Christmas I found out that I was a mistake. My mother was on birth control and obviously it didn't work because I'm here. I ask myself, "Why is my mom such a bitch to me?", I know why now.
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self.depression
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My mother asked me if ill still be friends with this girl 5 years from now... I wanted to tell her: No mother because 5 years from now she will have a life and a family of her own. I wont be needed. Ill still be the loser I am today for that is all that a person with my history and disability can be.
If i am lucky I will be dead in 5 years. For you see I already belong to a dead layer of society. I am a man with physical disability. I grew up amidst domestic violence. No woman has been interested in me in anyway ever. And I have to live with that knowledge every fucking day. Even this girl said she never felt anything for me after 2 years of good times together.
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self.depression
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Support from others Hello, my name is Kris. I'm at age where many teens may have depression. Many things I experienced in my life, made me who I am today. Those being, my mom died when I was really young while she was pregnant. My cousin being murdered when he was 17. My older brother tried killing me too. And terrible relationships over the years. The outcome of all of this was that I was having trouble going to school regularly. Recently my ex girlfriend broke up with me. Throughout the whole relationship, i cut myself a lot and thought about suicide. It was mostly my fault, I realized that I wasnt ready for a relationship. We are good friends I guess. I really dont talk to anyone. The whole point of this was that I wanted to feel support. To this day I really hate who ive become. If you are the one person who may have read this, thanks for at reading it.
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self.depression
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Just wrote down the start and end date of this. I know the day is started. It was a black to white/white to black shift. My birthday in 2014. Turned 21. It's been over 3 years. 3 years of constant agony. No human being should have to go through this. I gave myself until 2023. It feels good to know there will eventually be an end in one way, or another. No one understands how great that feels. To feel good again. Or do we just not want to feel like shit, not necessarily "good". I don't know anymore. Those of you that don't see the end of the tunnel, whether there is light, or dark at said end, I was once there. Eventually, hopefully, everyone will get an answer to their own version of that question.
TL;DR: I wrote it down. Feels good.
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self.depression
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I wish something would kill me so people wouldn't have to remember me as the one who killed themselves Don't worry, I won't actually kill myself apparently or I'd have done it already. I just want to share this ridiculous frustration with how I WOULD be perceived after death, isn't that silly? If I'm dead why would it matter to me... but you KNOW there's a difference in how people view the... resulting dead from the tragic accident of being hit by a car crossing the street vs the horror of being murdered vs the struggle of a terminal illness vs the... shame? of killing yourself like damn dont you wish you could control that one thing
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self.SuicideWatch
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PSA: If you are are college student and you are officially diagnosed with bipolar, you qualify for disability I'm not sure why this isn't something more people are aware of, disability doesn't mean you have to have an amputated limb or ADHD.
College disability offices consider Depression and Bipolar Disorder to be legitimate qualifiers for disability, you just have to bring in a doctor's note.
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self.bipolar
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intrusive thoughts Hey all! This is pretty much my first post and i need help with something i've been struggling with for quite a while.I've been having some scary thoughts and i keep convincing myself that im only doing activities i like doing to distract myself from the thoughts and it's really dragging my mood down
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self.Anxiety
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I WANT TO HAVE SOMEONE NEAR ME, I AM SO LONELY. LIFE DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. I JUST WANT TO DIEEEEE. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Making therapy more meaningful? How can I open myself up more and not have therapy as this sort of gossip session? I want to say that I’m *feeling* suicidal again, but I just feel odd doing it. How can I make therapy worth more to my brain I suppose? What are good questions or things to say to really lead into that because my therapist thinks I’m getting better and am learning how to cope but in reality, I’ve become numb and emotionless. I also apologize for formatting, I’m on my phone.
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self.depression
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Been spending too much time on the computer and today I kind of... cracked [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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responsibility i can't tell if i'm being a dick who can't see other perspectives or not, so you tell me... (tl;dr at bottom)
i think there is a significant proportion of mental illness that can be managed by lifestyle changes. not that it can usually be managed by it ALONE, but that in order to "recover," you need to put 50/50 medication/lifestyle effort. to compare physically, blood-thinners can't replace exercise and diet changes for those suffering hypertension.
i feel like this view is kind of frowned upon here. maybe people are misinterpreting what i say (blaming people for something out of their control), or maybe i'm misinterpreting what they say. but i really feel like you have to make behavioral changes to make yourself better, even if those are small changes.
for example, making a goal to get out of bed by 10am everyday. or to only take 3 naps a week. or to shower everyday. also mood things like self reflection and self discipline. teaching yourself to take a 5 second cool down before responding to an emotionally ambiguous text message. or dissociating the obsessions/fears you know you have from reality ("it's just my bipolar talking, my friends probably don't all hate me..."). in my experience, these things really do build up. your life feels more organized and in control, and so will your mood. you cannot control your mood, but you can influence your behavior.
to me, i see my illness is something i need to deal with, but not something that defines me. if people can live successful lives with waist-down paralysis or fibromyalgia, so can i. furthermore, this reference to other people's success is meant to be inspirational, not degrading! i think of it as "the human spirit is resilient, as demonstrated by these people" not "why aren't you being better like those other people!" when i think about all the horrible shit my moms been through (trauma, abuse, on top of bipolar/eating disorders), it makes me realize how much shit you can go through and still be ok. she's not perfect, but she survived, and she's living a decent life. if she can get through that, i can get through this.
this is kind of how i was raised, but i also understand how this can have a "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" mentality to it. am i being thickheaded here?
**tl;dr**: you need to make an effort to change your behaviors to get better. waiting for your medication alone to cure you will not work in most cases.
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self.bipolar
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How is everyone okay with the idea of life? [deleted]
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self.depression
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I think my healthy weight loss might be starting to morph into an eating disorder This is the first time I’ve acknowledged that this might actually be developing into a problem outside of my own head. I just really needed to get it out, to make it solid so I can try to fix it I guess, and I can’t bring myself to tell anyone I know about it, so here I am.
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self.offmychest
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I stop working when I feel love Hi there.
Short introduction: 28 yo, male, PhD student and very regular gym goer (keeps me very calm and collected, it's great to get some steam off).
So my problem here is that I completely go nuts when I feel something like love and get severly depressed. Last Saturday I've had a date with a very lovely girl. We talked for hours straight and I somehow got a crush on her. Just happened, usually I like to wait more and control my emotions if possible. Since our date, she's been very quiet and repellent (at our date she asked me all the time and was so happy). I found out that she has very severe health problems in her period (extreme headaches, nausea, anxiety etc.) which is currently happing.
So that should be a rational reason, but I'm still completely freaking out. I never was able to deal with denial from women I like and it's still like that. I feel betrayed, especially if they first seem to be interested.
Already got in some verbal fights with even my best friends last week because I'm completely freaked out and talking strange stuff. I don't want to ruin my long-lasting friendships because of this.
I might start going for therapy again which wasn't necessary for 20 years. Do you have some hints how you keep collected in these situations? I'm usually very calm, collected and friendly but this always freaks me completely out. I'm like a different person.
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self.depression
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Eating me alive Anxiety. It's this hollow feeling of emptiness at the center of my chest just yearning to be complete. It's like my sanity has escaped me.
It's hard to think and sometimes difficult to breathe. My body feels drained and I find myself holding my head in my hands from time to time. Its starting to effect me at work now too. It's one thought turning into thousands of voices saying different things. It's confusing. It's painful. It's sad. It's depressing. It's anxiety.
It's my anxiety.
Im stuck on the wrong side of my emotions once more and I feel like I'm worthless.
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self.Anxiety
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My sister found my Reddit account and I am freaking the heck out [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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What am I missing here? I’ve got a co-worker who says he calls himself a photographer now. Last year he started doing “photoshoots” and basically he would message (or get contacted by) people on Instagram to take pictures with. It’s all free and no fees are involved.
Well, I never bothered asking for his Instagram account because 1) I don’t use it much myself and 2) He and I don’t have as much common. Today I found out about his account through another co-worker’s profile. The pictures he’s been showing me are there as well, and I saw the rest of his work. To be honest, they’re basically just pictures of people facing the camera either directly or at an angle. Two traits that his photos have: the “models” try to look cool and they all wear streetwear. It sounds judgmental, but I’m not convinced by the “🔥” and “dope” comments to think that his pictures are even good. Just not seeing the appeal in a photo of someone in shades under LA’s sunny weather.
There are thousands of mind-blowing and emotionally provoking pictures out there, but sadly (in my opinion) his photos are not a part of that category. Does having a good camera alone make you a “good” photographer these days?
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self.offmychest
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Writing used to help I have a journal that I write in all the time. I also submitted things here before and it really used to help. Reading posts on here helped too. Now it just doesn’t. It’s all the same and I’m not saying this in a bad way towards the posts.
You ever feel so shitty that you’re bored of feeling so shitty and you just blank out? That’s pretty much what writing is to me at this point and it sucks. All I do is binge watch shows and stay up late. Working out doesn’t help anymore, setting goals doesn’t help anymore.
I just poison the things I love until they mean nothing to me anymore
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self.depression
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Just everything I've been keeping a journal of sorts on my phone notes. Every time I feel sad I add to it and write why. It's not very long because most times I simply just cry and rock back and forth while sobbing because I'm so sad. But there are times when that's not possible so I write. It doesn't help. It's more like a note that I would leave behind. I'll include it here and use '------' to block out any personal info of mine, because having my family angry at me for posting this would push me further to the edge of death. Even though I'm teetering on it. This is nerve wracking to post but since I'm almost finished my time on this planet, I thought I'd let the world understand a little what I'm thinking
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-Nobody cares what I have to say, either they interrupt me and start talking halfway through or just say 'hmm...oh so did I tell you what happened today? This guy totally asked for my number!'
-I called myself an accident and the reason mom had to stay stuck with dad, [my youngest brother] said 'haha accident accident accident!' And mom just kind of shrugged
-Tried making friends with [guy from school] and [guy I used to be friends with]. They now won't talk to me because I'm older and because [younger sister] made them hate her.
-All the attention goes to the boys and [my younger sister]. Even negative attention. Nobody gives a fuck about [me].
-My own father doesn't give a shit about me. He wasn't even there when I was born.
-I'm a mooch who has no place on this planet. I don't have a job and I'm currently not a student.
-I've never kissed a boy. The one time I got close to he told me he didn't like me, but liked one of my friends instead. I've always been the ugly friend.
-I don't deserve to be alive. I've been walked over and used for my entire life. I have to ask people to be there for me. All my friends have left.
-The only time I'm not sad is when I'm asleep.
-Mom keeps saying she wants to move to [another town] to be with [her boyfriend] so she's gonna leave me all alone anyways. Not that she ever cared much in the first place. She hates me because I'm the reason she had to stay with dad. She should have just aborted me. It would have saved us both trouble.
-Nobody ever asks how I'm doing. How MY day was. How IM feeling. It's all about them. And when I say anything, mom says 'well sorry you're the only person I have to talk to. I have no friends'. Guilt.
-Mom would have had a much better life if I had never been born. I'm the reason she was stuck with dad. It's probably why she doesn't really care that much about me.
-All the stories she told me about myself when I was a baby were probably just lies...if I was gone she probably would be relieved...
-I told mom a funny story about the night she was gone at [a Halloween party] and she just kind of laughed a little and then asked if I was going to take the garbage out...That's when I kind of fully realized how little she cares...
-Mom keeps talking about how I'm 'on my way out' of the house, like she's hinting that she wants me gone...
-I feel like I'm such a burden on her, and on everybody. [my youngest brother] despises me when I babysit because I have to tell him what to do. I always get the feeling that I'm an outsider in this family. Dad doesn't care, mom doesn't care, all my siblings make fun of me and my weight...
-[my younger brother] suggested I be a teletubby for Halloween (they have big round stomachs and have a television in their belly) and it just made me feel so ashamed, like that's how they see me, as just a big fat teletubby
-I tried to show [my younger brother] some funny pictures and he just said he had seen them all and that I suck at finding memes and that he's better anyways cuz he has like 500 on his phone already
-I always listen to what other people say, always, I try to be an active listener and not just listen but ask questions to show I'm interested too, but nobody ever does the same for me. Either they just interrupt me and talk right over me or they walk away and ignore me
-My diploma came in the mail and nobody even cared, not even Mom. She didn't even ask to see what it looked like. I showed everyone while mom was still in the car and they didn't even care. Just 'oh, cool'.
-I always care what everybody else has to say. Always. Without fail. Whenever [my best friend] or whoever messages me in a 'struggle' I.e. Lonely cuz her boyfriend is out of town, I'm always there. I'm always replying with positive things, always try to make her feel better, I always wait until she ends the conversation. I never 'ghost' anybody. But everybody does to me.
-How come I do my part to help my friends feel better, but nobody does the same to me? Mom and maddy and whoever can talk for ages about their days and about their love life and troubles and I always listen.
-Sooner or later I'm just going to stop. Just stop caring about anything. Become a cold hearted bitch, it's easier than trying to share parts of myself that nobody cares about. It's easier than showing emotion and having it blow back up in my face. How embarrassing. Soon I'll just shut down, the old [me] will be gone forever.
-I am a background piece in everybody's life. Nobody would actually notice if I was gone.
-If I died in my room right this second it would be weeks probably before anyone in my house realized I was gone. That's how little they care. Then they would all have a party because I'm finally gone and they finally don't have to deal with my crap all the time
-All my friends. (The two I actually have) don't care. [guy who says he loves me] doesn't read my messages anymore and [my best friend] flat out ignores mine to change the subject to her and whatever boy toy she's after this time.
-There is no place for me in this world. No dream career, no passion, no college program
-I do nice things for other people but they never return the favour
-I'm never doing anything right. Either I eat too much or not enough. I sleep too much or not enough. I care too much or not enough. I talk too much or not enough.
-I have nobody anymore. Lost all my friends when I graduated and now they don't care. My current friends only care about themselves. [guy who says he loves me] hasn't even read my message I sent him weeks ago even though he's been posting and commenting on my stuff. My own mother doesn't even care what I say
-I said 'oh hey, the new animal crossing game came out on the App Store today!' (Animal crossing pocket camp). She then interrupted me and went on a rant about how we don't have a lot of money and how she can't even afford a turkey for Christmas dinner and how welfare doesn't give her any extra money and how she needs a job and how I need to help her make a resume. Well the game is free and I wasn't even asking for money; she just does this alllllll the time regardless of what I say. It's like whatever issue I have is minimal compared to hers.
-I keep trying to ask her for advice on finding a college program but she interrupts me and talks about [her boyfriend] or how much she wants a [puppy] or whatever
-I have absolutely no support system and not a single soul to talk to, I'm left feeling like I have no parents cuz my dad is out and now my mom basically doesn't give a crap about me
-Everyday I scroll through my messenger app and see all the people who used to be my friends, who say 'oh we will talk later' and never message me, or all the conversations that haven't even been opened by them.
-I'm beginning to lose hope in life and I'm beginning to not see the point anymore
-I don't have a meeting with a therapist until February and even then, they're not gonna understand my issues, I'm not gonna feel any better anyways. I don't know if I can wait that long for one sliver of hope that things will get better
-[old 'best' friend] and [old friend] the two people who I thought were my good friends, cut me out the day I left Wagner. Everyday [old 'best' friend] goes to the bus stop directly across the street from our house. Everyday she comes home at the stop directly in front of our driveway. Yet somehow she's forgotten I even exist
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I hope I've replaced enough personal info. I wanted to post this on a throwaway because I don't need the drama and yelling matches that would result from anyone in my personal life finding this.
Reading this and knowing I'm posting it makes me feel like I'm just being a spoiled brat millennial who is a piece of trash. Well that line of thinking just convinces me even more to kill myself.
I'm just finished. I'm all done. There's no real reason for me to be here. 'Oh we care about you, if you died we would be sad' 'oh people out there care you just can't see it right now'
I'm not even having a breakdown right now that's clouding my thinking. If I was currently crying right now in my room typing this out then it would be worse. I'm literally just sitting on my couch looking out the window so this is really how I'm feeling, every single day.
I guess if I really do kill myself then I'll write the link to this post in my note so my family can know why
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self.SuicideWatch
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tomorrow is my birthday, i don't want it. Tomorrow I turn 29, and have nothing to show for it. Not in the material sense. Not in the cosmic sense. In no sense at all. I was was watching this television show and a scene hit me hard. The two characters were talking about existence and one says (I'm paraphrasing) "if the life you envision in your dreams isn't beautiful, then why are you alive?" In that moment everything clicked. When I close my eyes and dream, I cannot even envision a beautiful future. How can I go on knowing that even in my imagination there is no peace or hope for me? I know I'm some nobody woman to you all but I wanted to write some of these last thoughts on how to not end up like me. On how to be a better person:
*don't let fear run your life
*respect yourself enough to not stick around for people who don't care about you
*if you have a passion, pursue it with everything. it should be scary not comfortable.
*work towards your goals (I had a dream to live in new york city when I was 19. Had I worked towards this, I'd be there today. Instead I didn't, and I'm stuck in some town in the middle of nowhere.)
I hope you all lead better lives. For what it's worth, I became an organ donor recently, so hopefully I can at least do one thing good in my absence.
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self.SuicideWatch
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It’s SO EASY to be politically correct, why do you care so much? Look, we’re both white dudes. There is no equivalent to the n word for us, or for any other racial slur. Cracker? Not even close, there was no period of oppression that that word calls back to. Not everything has to have a parallel to your own experience, and it’s okay that there are some arguments you should sit out of because you don’t and can’t really understand the way things feel for other people.
There is no shortage of words in the English language, does it really bother you so much that there are a few you can’t say? It’s not a free speech thing, it’s just about not being an asshole. Are you so entitled that you think people shouldn’t be allowed to react to the words you say? And how is getting offended at people getting offended at you somehow more morally righteous than people plain old being offended?
And complaining about fucking pronouns, really? Why do you give a shit? It’s so easy to call her a she, why can’t you just do it? It takes no effort on your part, but means so much to her. Are you really so fucking full of yourself that you think you’re morally superior for telling someone they’re wrong about their own identity? She doesn’t even look like a man, and by the way, she wouldn’t chastise you for “assuming her gender” if you made an honest mistake- nobody fucking talks like that.
Don’t even get me started on the war of Christmas. I can’t imagine having a life so easy that the worst oppression I face is someone telling you “happy holidays”. Fuck off
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self.offmychest
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Today has been a bad day, I am so dead tired all the time. It's 7 PM and I'm already fighting to keep my eyes open. I am all out of steam and energy. Right now I barely even have room for shitty thoughts in my mind. I am so fatigued, all of my mental and physical strength is just gone. I want to sleep and never, ever wake up. That would be a pleasant end to my pain.
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self.depression
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I feel like I’m going to be miserable for my whole life
I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I can’t connect with anyone. It’s always been this way. My parents hated me when I was a kid. My father nitpicked everything about me from my table manners to the way I walked, and when I wasn’t up to his standards he screamed at me, belittled me, threw things at me, and hit me. I grew up terrified of him. My mother was better, but she always preferred my brother. She protected him from my dad but always told me it was my fault for not getting along with him. She also yelled at me whenever I showed any emotion and never praised me because it would make my brother jealous.
I never really had friends either. My childhood best friend cut me off because I was gay and too weird for her. After that I tried to repress all of my weirdness so people would like me, but whenever I showed any hints of my actual personality people would leave. The only way I’ve ever been able to keep friends is by staying quiet, only talking about them, giving them whatever they ask for without expecting anything in return, and having no boundaries. The most recent friends I’ve lost think I’m terrible because I stopped lending them money after $2000 that they never paid back.
The first relationship I was in was with someone who emotionally abused me for years before cheating on me, raping me, and attempting to murder me. These were the worst years of my life. I tried to leave more than once but was always manipulated into going back. After I was raped, my mother yelled at me and told me it was my fault for staying in the relationship for so long, and my “best friend” asked me if I let it happen because I liked it. I still have nightmares about it, but to them it was like nothing bad happened to me at all.
I am engaged now to a wonderful person who would never hurt me. I love them, and I feel like because I love them so much I should be happy. But even they don’t understand me. They nitpick at what I do and shush me whenever I talk too loud, and it feels like I’ll never be enough for them. I feel like they don’t respect me and want me to change a lot but I’m afraid to bring it up to them because I’m already afraid I’m going to lose them due to my depression and untidiness.
I don’t have any success in other areas of life, either. I was in a car accident when I was 17 and suffered a brain injury. I’m not as smart as I was. I can’t concentrate for long periods of time, I struggle in school so much that it’s not worth it, and I can’t hold down a job. Every job I’ve ever had has been a supposedly easy job, but it still overwhelms me to the point that all my energy goes towards work and I have nothing left over for anything else. I don’t understand how working can be so easy for everyone else when it makes me so miserable.
I feel like I’m trapped in a world that wasn’t made for me. All I want is one person who loves and accepts me the way I am. I also want to spend time writing, playing music, or doing anything in nature. But I can’t have any of that because I’m too weird and not good at anything. I’m twenty four, which means all my windows of opportunity are closing and at this point I don’t see why I’m even alive.
I keep seeing people on Facebook talk about how their lives are so much better now that they’re not in high school and I just wish it were my turn. I feel like every time I try to improve my life, something happens that sets me way back. I just wish I had any reason to believe things would get better for me, but as it stands I’m lonely and the world is cold.
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self.offmychest
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i started taking 10 mg of escitalopram and my social anxiety vanished
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self.Anxiety
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Thought I was done with meds! Nope! Or maybe? Let's find out.
So I've been clean for a year but Jesus does life like to pile on. Began 2017 at a lower paying job, like, significantly lower paying job. It's been 6 years since I've been in a retail minimum wage situation and the adjustment has been rough. I then found my mother was diagnosed with cancer. Few months following that, I invited my brother to live with me and my long term girlfriend because he was suicidally depressed living alone and tried to kill himself. Which is a whole other story. 4 months following that my now ex-girlfriend left me, and now soon my brother will be moving out as well. I need to find a new place to live that's also dog friendly that I can afford on my meager salary and it feels like I'm just waiting for the next bad thing to happen.
Which brings us to the meds. I was on 10mg of escitalopram last year and stopped taking them beginning of this year, right before everything imploded, and I feel like all the positive things I had going for me really pushed the decision to come off them, and now that I'm quite literally left with nothing the anxiety is ruthless. I'm constantly battling those familiar thoughts of "What are you going to do now?" "What's the point?"
I want to ask, should I hop on them? What's stopping me is that idea that by going back it's like i've regressed and my progress wasn't progress. Or maybe, going back is like admitting I'm not strong enough to live an adult life. Or any other iteration thereof. I'm 27 and I definitely felt like at my age I'd not be in retail, single, looking for an apartment.
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self.Anxiety
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Anyone have advice on working through irritability? I get so caught up in racing/negative thoughts that I close up on people - especially family - and become snappy. It’s nothing against them and I don’t know how to explain that sometimes my world just feels very off kilter and out of my own control
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self.Anxiety
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Flu Season...ugh My wife died of the flu (septic shock from bacterial pneumonia) in 2008, so every time this year, I get a little nervous. I know my wife's experience was very rare for someone her age (44). That said, I just need to publish this anxiety and get it out of my head.
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self.Anxiety
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Dammit I want a dog Can't afford one right now
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self.bipolar
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I️ feel like I’m a burden. I don’t understand why my family and friends love me. I’m not really deserving or worth all of it. Most days I just want to lay in bed and not talk to anyone. Obviously I’m required to get up and go to class and live like any other person, but it’s been getting harder and harder to force myself out of bed. I just want to be happy again.
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self.depression
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I'm scared no one will ever love me Someone who makes me feel mushy inside. Someone I don't have to hide parts of myself from.
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self.depression
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I feel like im drowning. I'm an army veteran who has been told I have ptsd, depression and anxiety. I have recently separated from a woman I love and have loved for 6 years. We still live together which makes everything much harder to adjust to. I've delt with suicidal thoughts for years. A few attempts in the past. For the most part I have felt very in control. These last two months have been the most challenging. Suicide is on my mind daily and it's to the point that I can barely keep it together at work. I go home to an empty house and the first thing in my mind is to kill myself. I don't want to hurt those I love and that love me but I am sick of feeling weak and like I'm drowning. I don't know what else to do at this point. I feel like I'm breaking. I've never been one to reach out for help and have tried to carry it on my own but the weight seems to be getting heavier with each day. I feel utterly alone yet surrounded by thousands as I live in Los Angeles. I already feel dead inside most days and don't want to do anything but not exist. I don't know if these posts work. I felt like venting to anyone who doesn't know me might help. Please help.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Self harm So Tl:dr: used to cut, 2 years later, need to cut more than ever and can’t really properly focus on normal things.
I used to cut pretty much every night but I managed to wean myself off of it, but all of a sudden I’m experiencing the worst need to cut I’ve ever had, I don’t have anything to do it with and I’m doing my best not too, but it’s so hard and I’m scared of myself. I don’t really have anyone to talk to, so I felt I should post here.
I hope you all have a better 2018 ahead, I wish you all the best
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self.depression
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Gliding through life Right now I'm in bed and should be sleeping by now. It's 3am here and my alarm is set to 5:30. But I just can't shake the feeling that it won't even matter if I get out tomorrow. Who even cares if I do. I'm not even tired, at least I don't think I am. I don't feel anything, just emptiness. I feel like the world biggest fuck up.
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self.depression
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Aren't teenage years supposed to be fun? Ok, so I'm about to explode, so I'm hoping that by telling someone I can get some of my frustration and stress out.
So a bit of background... I'm in my late teens, I'm home-schooled (pretty much no-schooled) and me and two of my brothers are doing 90% of the work to support our family (of 10, ages 18-2) with my dad's engineering company and have been for the last 5 years or so. I am getting paid ~$1 per hour for working and also get food (usually two meals per day, sometimes three, but I have to cook one of them for the whole family) and housing with the family. I don't have any other job besides the work I have to do for the family, thus I'm basically broke. (I don't get allowance of any sort, and have no phone, car, hardly any clothes)
For about a year now, I've been really into theater and acting. I'm right now doing my second community theater show, for both the first one and this one, I've had to ride my bike 6 miles each way to rehearsal every day for about 3 months. My parents were willing to give me a ride about once every three weeks if I needed one because my bike wasn't working or something. I've had to ride my bike in the rain, over 100, and under 40 degree weather. My dad won't let me get my license until I get my eagle scout, but even if I had my license, the family only has one car so either I'd have to do a bunch of extra work with my dad's company to pay for the car, or somehow else pay for it myself (my dad doesn't want me to get another job either). All my friends in these shows are being driven there by their parents, some of them even live like 30min away and are being driven every day.
I feel like I'm way behind socially since my family does almost nothing social, other than I guess going to my church, and church youth activities, which can hardly be called social. I also am feeling really behind academically. I've been in public school a few times for only two or three months at a time and have have been able to catch up to pace really fast academically (I've felt behind socially) but I haven't been in for a year thus why I'm feeling behind academically. This year would be my senior year, and I feel like I'm running out of time. Also, there's a really good performing arts High School in town that I want to go to for my last year of high school, and maybe even get held back so I can go another year too, but my parents don't want me to go, and I don't know how I would pay for it, or how I would be able to still work for my dad if I was going to this school and still doing rehearsal every evening. I have several friends from these plays who attend there, and their parents seem very helpful and supportive, driving them between school, rehearsal and helping them get food in between.
Anyway, I don't know what's wrong with me... Am I unreasonable in wanting my parents to help me out in these ways it seems all my friend's parents do? Is moving out the best option so I don't have to deal with it, even though if I did I'd have to get a job and thus forfeit either the performing arts school or doing these plays? Other people who went through their teenage years without much help or support from parents how do you feel about it? Were you able to compete in fields such as theater, where being young really counts? Home-schoolers, were you able to catch up socially and academically?
Anyway, anyone who read all this THANK YOU!!!!
Also if this didn't make sense, let me know in the comments and I'd be happy to clarify
td:lr: parents seem very unhelpful and I'm feeling behind both socially and academically, really want to move forward with theater/acting goals but not getting support. What do I do?
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self.offmychest
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I haven't showered or brushed my teeth in a week. [deleted]
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self.depression
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We have a restaurant and for the next two days i'm alone serving, charging and dealing with customers. Hi, created this account as I don't feel confortable posting on my own. We have a restaurant in brazil (I'm the guy who grills meat on 'parrilla' don't know how you guys call it) and my wife deals with charging and attending to the customers, while also serving etc, you know, everything that demands interaction. So, yesterday she went to another state until tomorrow to star in a theater event thing, and our server in on leave until monday. So I'm left with our chef and me, charging, serving tables and grilling meat. Holy fucking shit has this been a day, there's no escitalopram who can help, I just hope I can get through this 2 days without feeling like killing myself. Right now I have 3 tables, I even made some small talk, granted I'm ridiculously medicated. Just wanted to vent, sorry if it is the wrong place. Just writing it helps, I'll try a joint and maybe some beer to take the edge off and make it through this night.
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self.Anxiety
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Girlfriend left me last night over text Was with some friends, feeling really really depressed as usual at this point, and I left as soon as the ball drops. Get home and tell her im scared of another year with depression. She told me that I put too much pressure on her. She then says she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. I like her so much. I tried to overdose on my zoloft but my mom stopped me. She won't take me to the hospital. I just turned 17 and this is the third year I've been dealing with depression. I want to hug somebody I'm so sad
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self.depression
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How to clean a post-depression room fast? There's just so much stuff everywhere and I don't want to just throw all of it out, because I have clothes and other things mixed in that cost money. 80% of it on the other hand is just piles of paper, soda containers, random shit and plastic bags. About a foot of it. Don't even know where it all came from. it takes forever to sort through what I need and don't need.
In theory it seems easy to clean it all, but I'm 1 hour in in and I've ONLY cleared the floor for 1 sq meter. How do I do this more efficiently so I don't lose my head?
This is seriously purgatory.
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self.bipolar
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I want to stand on the edge of a building and have someone talk me away from the edge. How stupid does that sound? That thought has been circling around in my head for so long. I feel like literally nobody cares and I just want some random stranger to give me a huge hug and help me. That sounds so freaking stupid
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self.depression
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Need some advice Should I try to fit in by pretending to be cheerful all the time or should I show how I feel?
The thing is the people that I am around are understanding and they haven't made fun of me ( till now) but I haven't become one of them because of this so should I pretend to be cheerful or continue to show how I feel?
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self.depression
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Bad texter - red flag? I met a woman recently and I've become pretty excited about the prospect of us as a couple. I think we mesh pretty well in terms of interests and personality type. But she is a horrible texter! She never initiates; her texts are short and direct - they make it hard to have a conversation; and she will respond hours later, if she responds at all.
However, our dates have been good. Ironically, when we meet, she's so talkative, and open. She doesn't hold back much. It's nice and I think we both enjoyed out dates.
She works hard and she mentioned that work pulls her in more and more. Maybe that's why?
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self.offmychest
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Does anyone else always go through weed really fast? I smoked an 8th since last Sunday...It was supposed to last me all month. Now I will be without for a while. :(
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self.bipolar
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I wish I was brave enough to do it already [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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feeling fake again why does this feeling of faking my depression always come back? it's like i feel like i'm actually happy and i can just snap out of it, but I can't???
why???? i self harmed today and attempted suicide the other day and i still feel fake???
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self.depression
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Why is life such a bitch. Why does it want to be a bitch, why man.
What the fuck have I done to deserve such a motherfucking bad life.
Why man. Why the fuck would she do that
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self.depression
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X Post - Breakup, Anti Depressants, & the worst 3 months of my life. I’m writing this is an absolute last resort. I never thought I would be spilling my soul to internet strangers but I’m at the point where I’ve exhausted all of my options except the permanent one.
Over the Spring/Summer of 2017, I met a girl who I waited 32 years to meet. I truly was in love with her almost instantly. I felt more for her in 2 months than I’ve ever felt for anyone in my entire life, and I’ve had multiple LTR’s. The problem is, I didn’t realize any of this until after I left her. She was absolutely perfect for me in every way, I was just completely oblivious to it and decided that we should end it as we were coworkers.
Here’s where it gets weird..
For 2 months after the split I was completely happy. I never even grieved for a second and thought that I had simply lost all feelings towards her. We even worked directly right next to each other and I was able to see her everyday without feeling anything at all. Until I went on vacation at the end of October. I was preparing to board my flight in Florida on 10/29 and BAM! All these realizations and feelings crept up. I had truly made the biggest mistake of my life and needed her back. I came back to work several days later and told her everything. I couldn’t explain why I had lost all feelings initially (and still can’t), but I poured my heart out to her and asked for her back. It was then that she told me she had a new boyfriend and she wasn’t interested in reconciling.
At that moment, my world shattered. I ended up quitting my job several days later as seeing her each day was making me increasingly depressed. Since December, I have been without a job and the reality that the girl that I love more than anyone I’ve ever known is with someone else. I began to feel suicidal after several weeks of being unemployed / heartbroken beyond belief. I had become reclusive, and only left my bed to eat and shower. My depression snowballed until one day in January where I took a handful of pills and tried to take my own life. I had been on Effexor XR since the day she destroyed me, and at this point was increasing my dosage without the doctors permission as I was desperate.
The suicide attempt was 3 weeks ago. I spent a few days in an inpatient program and was put on a taper schedule from Effexor as the head Psychologist had determined that the Effexor wasn’t working or making the depression worse. As I tapered off 225mg daily of Effexor, I started on 60mg daily of Cymbalta. It was a steep taper schedule, and I stopped taking the Effexor within 10-14 days. I was still completely destroyed by her, but I wasn’t suicidal anymore and even had a few days where I felt like I was going to be okay. The sadness was manageable.
Until a week ago..
She reached out to me out of nowhere after not speaking or seeing each other since the day I quit my job to tell me she’ll love me forever and basically everything I had been waiting to hear for months..Except for the part where she mentioned that she was still with her new boyfriend and loved him. Since that day, the massive cloud of sadness has returned and nothing is working to take it away. I just sat in the shower and cried for over an hour. Even as I write this it feels like there is a 500 pound weight on my chest. I have began researching suicide methods again and have 0 desire to job search or do much of anything.
I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking to accomplish with this post, but I’m praying that someone out there might have some input. I’m starting to think that this level of sadness is NOT normal to feel after the demise of a 2 month relationship regardless of how much I loved her. I hope it’s the medication making things worse or simply not working at all, as in that case I will talk to my doctor and Psychiatrist about being put on something else or increasing the dosage. In my head, I feel like perhaps I’m only feeling this low once again as she reached out and broke my heart again. But is it enough to make me feel suicidal? I’m not sure, and perhaps I’m dealing with extreme clinical depression on top of this horrible breakup grief. The sadness and pain 100% feels like it’s directly related to losing her, but perhaps my mind could be playing tricks on me. It’s been 3 months since she told me, and I feel even worse or the same than I did initially.
Please help.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I am lonely. I am thinking of what activities I can do to meet people. Its overwhelming because I don't know what to do. At least I have my books. I have been on meetup.com. Most of the stuff there is not my thing. I found a social anxiety group. I went a few times and I reached out to someone there abd he may become a friend. Hopefully next weekend we will get together.
I have some "friends at work but they are often busy and I always have to reach out to them.first. I am 27 and I feel like I have not had the appropriate social experiences for my age. I have never been to a friends wedding. I have never had a long term girlfriend.
To get back to the heart of this post I am trying to find some activities to meet people but I dont know what to do. I feel sad.
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self.offmychest
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I feel like I've ruined everything that was good, and don't want to continue [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anybody else get sad when looking at old shit? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Klonopin for social anxiety on an as need basis. Your experiences? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Just venting: I can't do this much longer. The funny thing is...I am a psychiatric nurse. A cowardly, hypocritical psychiatric nurse.
Tomorrow, I will discourage people from killing themselves, and spoon feed them the classics: "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem", "you matter"...
In my own mind I believe none of it. In fact I really want to kill myself. I have a plan, and I have lethal means. I have ample time alone...I'm just missing the courage and frankly the energy.
Life has gotten pretty bleak in the past 2 years.
My dad has cancer and is in a coma. We were close. My fiance told me he no longer wishes to get married now...and that he'll "let me know" when he wants to get married. I took off a lot of time from work to care for dad...so financially I'm in bad shape. Work is torture because I am clinically depressed...dealing with people all day when you're depressed is a special kind of exhauating.
No one really knows the extent of my depression.
I "Robin Williams" (RIP) my way thru the days I leave the house...I never let people see me sweat or cry...or even frown. They think I'm "so strong".
If I can't do that I stay home. I stay in bed for hours and weep bitterly. It's all I can do.
I want out. I don't see a point in me being an additional burden on my family. I just can't seem to feel good no matter what I do. I've tried most things...non-pharmocological things anyway.
I don't want to take medications, but I'll try them at this point. I don't have high hopes for the meds but hell I'll try. I want to either have life be bearable or not to be here anymore.
I actually, in the end, prefer dying. That way I won't have to endure the pain of loss ever again. I am a coward.
The other day I found myself in deep envy of a corpse being wheeled to the morgue. I wished so much it could be me.
I counsel people going thru worse all the time. Here I am running scared from my life which for all intents and purposes is decent, if u observe from the outside. Inside though it is the blackest of black and I can't deal.
Yes I have folks to talk to...I am afraid even that has fallen short in helping me.
Wish me luck...I don't know how this will end.
Edit:
Thank you three who took time and energy to comfort me. You all bought me to (greatful) tears and gave me strength enough to face a few more days. I'm definitely going to try the meds. I really hope they work. Thank you all again from the bottom of my heart for reaching out to this stranger in the night. You have no idea how much it meant. <3
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self.SuicideWatch
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Was worried about violating you and now I feel violated! I love affection. I love holding hands, and kissing.
So last night, I'm with my friend and her two roommates. I don't really know her roommates that well. We are all drinking and eating and it's so fun. One of the roommates has been giving me subtle signals all night that she wants attention. So the other two girls go to bed, and it's just me and the attention-seeking girl on the couch, petting her dog. We have both drank a lot, but we are not close to being sick or anything, just that good partial drunk. So we are talking, and petting her dog, and I start transitioning my petting of the dog into tracing her hand (which not to be obnoxious but I think is smooth as fuck). Cause she's petting/holding the dog. Okay, so, we hold hands, start making out, it's amazing. It's the best. After we are done kissing, I tuck her into bed, get her water, and leave.
So the next day, I'm like. Oh no. This has potential to be bad. What if she feels violated? It's not likely, but what if? I would hate to make someone feel that way, not to mention it would ruin my friendship with her friend. So I'm like okay, I'll stop by, get her some gatorade for the hangover she may have, and it'll give me an excuse to talk it out with her. I'm ready for whatever she will say, if she wants to date, if she wants to be friends with benefits, if she wants to be just friends. I'm ready for anything...or so I thought.
Once I get to their place, I notice she's being super awkward with me. So we are talking to everyone for a while, and then I tell her, hey, do you want to talk before I go? And she says "ehhhh maybe we can for just a minute." So we walk to another room and she immediately says "I'm not interested." Referring to wanting to date or anything. That's her opener. What the fuck? Did I ask? Why do you think that's what I want? Why would I start a relationship I want to pursue with a girl by getting drunk and making out with her? So that was annoying. Totally put her in the power position, you know? Like I'm the fucking one that wanted all this. Okay, and then she says she regrets it and wishes she hadn't done anything, which is also a huge slap in the face. People don't realize how that hurts the other person. And then, and I probably shouldn't have done this, but I apologized to her "for being selfish, since it probably wasn't the right thing to do." Which I am on the fence about. Cause on one hand, we both wanted it, and I thought we were both mature enough to handle it. But on the other, it could be said that I shouldn't have let things get to that point. So idk there. But once I apologized the way she responded just made me feel like "yeah, thanks for apologizing, it was your fucking fault, and I regret it, and you suck."
So yeah. Just wanted to talk it out on here. I don't think she handled this well, and I feel sort of violated/mistreated. It's also rejection too. Which is obnoxious, because there was no rejection needed here. "Hey that was fun, let's not do it again." That's all it needed to be. Not "I'm not interested in you, I regret doing it, and it was your fault." Thanks for listening.
tl;dr Got drunk with a girl, made out, worried she was going to feel bad about it, she ended up being a jerk about it and making me feel rejected.
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self.offmychest
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Too tired to commit suicide. If someone brought the bridge to me I could probably manage to drag myself over the edge, but driving out there and walking to the midpoint is beyond me. It's sort of funny in a surreal, Kafkaesque kind of way. Just wondering if anyone else feels like this or if I'm just the butt of some cosmic joke.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Got out of bed and did stuff today. One point for me. I was stoned and depressed that I was wasting another Sunday, and I knew that I'd be even more depressed tomorrow at work because I wasted my weekend.
I suddenly thought about this new Pho place that opened up a block away and I decided to get the fuck up and go get me some soup!! And I did! And it was delicious!
Didn't do much else but I'm going at it one small victory at a time. Hope everyone has a good day today.
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self.depression
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I didn't love my gf anymore and I left her. I had to. I didn't love her anymore, but I was so attached to her that now I feel like shit. Literally. She is in class with me too, so I will have to see her everyday from now to July. She was in symbiosis with me, we have been together two years. She kept taking to me about wedding and childrens, she loved me a lot. I feel guilty. I'm 19 yo. Anyone has had the same experience?
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self.depression
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My friend needs help They have decided that they will die by their own doing, they don't know when however. I just need any advice at all. She has issues with a sibling, major self esteem issues. Younger than 18
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self.SuicideWatch
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18: severely depressed and watch TV all day. Ruined my life in 8 months. Please help. Should I check myself into rehab? Hi Reddit, I'm 18 and a half and I'm at a loss...in February I went through a hard patch with my parents and ran away from home (a semester before graduating high school) due to some really poor choices I developed a serious internet and TV addiction over the next 8 months before moving back in with my parents. This past week I've spent literally all day in bed watching movies and TV. I am so depressed and discouraged all the time and deal with so much guilt and shame...I work part time and am doing a three week CNA course next week but I feel like I've completely ruined my life...I'm overweight, don't dress or eat well and never get out. Plus I've shut out most of the friends I used to have through my own selfishness. I'm thinking about trying checking myself into rehab for internet and screen addiction. Any thoughts?
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self.depression
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Intrusive thoughts causing physical and verbal reactions? I'm hoping I can possibly get some advice on things I can do to stop this ongoing issue I have. I was diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder in early elementary, and a symptom of this is the intense fear of embarrassment and rejection. Over the past 2 years, starting when I was 17, I've had this issue where I react physically to thoughts and memories I have of being embarrassed. It started as just a normal cringe reaction, where your body feels tense. Then it progressed into gasping and sniffing, and then whispering "I think you should just kill yourself." 2 years later and I can't walk down the road, go on a bus or have conversations with friends without having these paralyzing thoughts and telling myself I should kill myself. Out loud. I often hit myself in the head too, imaging a knife stabbing into my forhead. It used to be a gun and i would put it to my temple. When I try to explain this to people, I don't think they get the severity of how bad it is. When I'm with people it starts a cycle of thought-action-me apologising and then the conversation is completely dead because I can't stop saying sorry. I've had to quit jobs because I can't stop telling myself to kill myself and I'm afraid other people will hear me. Unfortunately, most of my favourite things are triggers for me which makes it impossible to enjoy life at all. It's starting to mess with my sleep too which I am absolutely terrified about. I am already very sensitive and when I am overtired it obviously gets worse. I can totally see myself seriously harming myself because I'm overtired and I can't stop the intrusive thoughts. It seems like a long shot because not even my psychiatrist understands, but has anyone else experienced anything like this? What helped you get over it, if you ever did?
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self.Anxiety
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How do you cope without physical contact? I feel when in a great stress situation I need someone to just hold me. A short hug seems not enough. When I have someone who holds me and let me cry it out I feel relieved. I feel loved in a way just because of bodily comfort.
When I have no one to do this, I know that I tend to self-harm to cope. Because I dunno how else. I try searching for anything to take of my mind...but at some point I just seem to break and don't seem to find another way to cope. When I self-harm I do it in a way that nobody notices...mostly on the underside of my feet/between my toes. So nobody but me notices, cause I know nobody can help me in that moment and I am ashamed of myself anyway...
How do you cope without somebody who seems to be truly there in your misery? How do you cope without somebody holding you, even just for a few tears?
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self.Anxiety
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I wish suicide was just as easy as pressing a button. If I was given the option to press a button that would end my life then I'd press it without hesitation. Suicide involves too much planning, pain, and nausea. I just want to die quietly and quickly. I don't want to be alive anymore. Life doesn't get better for all of us.
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self.offmychest
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I Walked in on a Shotgun Suicide in The 8th Grade (First Time Sharing This Online)- This Is Why I Can't Forgive Logan Paul
I'll share a story with you all. I had walked in on a shotgun suicide when I was starting the 8th grade (2007). There was a terrible smell coming from one of my neighbors apartments and me and my friends laughed and joked about there being a dead body in there. We also laughed because the DVD he had in, Flight Plan, was playing on repeat for almost a week and we could faintly hear it from the connected unit under renovation. This was in a new small building in the complex that only had two working apartments and was a bit out of the way of the rest of the community. We never saw anyone walk by or visit so we always assumed that it wasn't occupied. During the paused period of renovation, which we assumed was because of a small fire we had two weeks prior, we'd play in the unoccupied units. We started making up back stories about this mans life who we had no idea what kind of person he was, and one of my friends even pissed on his patio.
On a dare, myself and a close friend walked into the apartment and saw a bloated body with half of his face missing, I will never forget it for as long as I live. We ran out frantically to his grandparents unit to tell them what happened, which they called the police. After collecting myself, for the next few days I was unable to eat, enjoy video games, focus on my homework and had fits of crying. I was so messed up that I had begged my friend to talk to the police and pretend I didn't see anything because I simply didn't want to talk about it. It wasn't until about four years later, right before enlisting into the military, did I tell my mother and was open about it wish I had done sooner.
After the accident, all I could think about was this mans life and how nobody noticed his absence for almost a week. Common thoughts constantly ran through my head along the lines of "Nobody loved this guy. He was alone in his final moments and leading up to that. How depressed must he had felt to take his own life. What was he like? What did he do for a living. Does he have friends, did he, what happened? Why am I so selfish to not talk with people who are very sad about their issues. Are there other people I know who feel this way but are hiding it?"
What made me feel even worse for this man, who was suffering more than most of us would never experience, was when I talked with our security guard, because my friend had brought it up with me around, who would always play catch and let us ride our skateboards even against the rules of the complex. He told me his name, Michael, then said he'd often come to the small community lounge and use one of their two computers they had for the tenants. Once, when Michael had logged off of the guest account, the security guard got on to check his email and just download some stuff. When deleting some junk on the computer, he went into the trash to pull something out, finding word documents in their. Normally he would have deleted them but one stuck out to him like a sore thumb, it read something along the lines of "To my wife when I find her" and many others like "to children he never had". This man was so lonely that he wrote optimistic letters to people he wanted in his life and even named the kids he wanted to have. My memory is a little rusty on the contents of the letters, especially from the second hand account of our security guard.
After this I felt overwhelming guilt I have never felt in my life and regret every comment I made poking fun of someone who was going through this. All I could think about was him looking down on us hearing all of these horrible things coming from our mouths as a last "Fuck you" in Michael's already terrible experience on earth. I just wished he could have seen the impact it had on my close circle including the letters we each wrote to him as closure that my friends counselor recommended. We each cried as we sat in his living room writing them and then even more when we burned them.
This is the first time I have shared this on the internet. I feel it is the right time given the whole Logan Paul situation and why I have a hard time feeling sorry for him. I hope this changes his life for the better and he becomes a more genuine person, not just for others but for his own benefit.
To Logan: It is a shame that it took literally over a million people to point out not showing any remorse for the victim in your first apology for you to even consider doing it in your most recent one. I'm not saying that this is disingenuous, but for you sake, I hope you come back as a better person and take this as a very harsh life lesson.
As for everyone shrugging this off like "Lol! Oopsie, I feel so sorry for him and fuck everyone who doesn't instantly forgive him because I like his content" need to do some soul searching themselves. Imagine what must have driven that poor person to the point of suicide and feeling that to take their own life was the only way out. Take the worst you have ever felt in your life and just relive and relive and relive it until just seizing to live seems like a viable solution.
To those of you that read this lengthy post, thank you sincerely.
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self.offmychest
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Is this it? It feels like this year has been the worst. Lost the best person I've ever had in my life (due to my stupid mistakes) lost friends, lost my control of anorexia which was a comfort and along with still undiagnosed seizures my memory is awful. I've recently had an awful experience with a cab driver, I'm skint as hell, I'm considering cosmetic surgery once I get a job and I haven't got the motivation to even apply for college even if it doesn't start until September 2018 (enough time for me to get my butt in gear). I've not been sleeping and now it just feels like everything is too much. I want my ex back so I can sink into his chest, cry and get it out of my system and then have a day watching stupid stuff and listening to him talk about his interests. Will it get better? Will I get over him? Will I stop rambling online like a lunatic?
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self.depression
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Battered Mind How do you clear up a mind? Thoughts just flow and flow, they never stop. You're not good enough. You deserve and need to be alone. You're worthless. I know it's not true. But my heart and mind won't let me feel that. Only pain is allowed. Sorry about the username it's a weird choice.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Nobody takes me seriously. Video games always made me mad before, but they were the only hobby I ever had, and nobody took my anger seriously because it was over video games.
I just got permanently banned from my favorite game, and it was the only thing keeping me here. Nobody will take my issues seriously because of the root cause, and it's not here for me anymore. I don't know what to do. I want to seriously hurt myself.
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self.depression
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Are suicide helplines actually helpful? Like I've been thinking about calling one for a while, as I won't tell anyone else. But what actually happens and is it worth it?
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self.depression
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Has vistaril stopped being as effective for anyone else? I just noticed it's not as helpful at calming me down as it used to be.
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self.Anxiety
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Feelin' Down Not sure if it's because I'm home or because I'm not busy, but I feel like some stuff from the past several months is starting to catch up to me.
School had me so busy that I let an important friendship fall to the wayside without much effort in maintaining it. I feel bad. I know I should talk to her, but I feel like it's pointless now that it's been this long.
Winter break always gets me in a funk, but this is something else.
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self.offmychest
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I just wanted to thank you guys for all the support over the years Seriously, you guys are the best. whenever I've been in a rough spot or had a question, there were always several people to come by and help. I really appreciate that about this community. the mods are great and helpful too!
I've been a subscriber since before I was diagnosed nearly four years ago, and this place has only gotten better during that time.
Thanks again!
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self.bipolar
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All the recent mass shootings and terror attacks have given me anxiety For the last few months, I’ve grown increasingly more anxious about going out to places due to all the mass shootings and terror attacks that have happened over the past year or so. It’s getting to the point where it seems to be interfering with my day-to-day life.
For example, if I’m going to the movie theatre, I have to be able to go to a theatre where I can reserve my seat. In this way I can see what other seats are reserved and I’ll choose not to go to a specific showing if I see a single person has reserved a seat for them self. I always feel like they’ll end up shooting up the place even though I’m aware it is completely normal for a person to go to the theatre alone.
My family is also planning a trip to go see a Cubs game in Chicago next year and I’ve already told them I won’t go. I get anxiety thinking about being in a stadium full of so many people and then there being an attack of some sort.
I also work two part time jobs at a university and a community college and I’m always on alert all the time because of how often schools and universities seem to be targeted. Sometimes my heart rate just starts racing for no reason other than seeing someone walk into the office I work at.
I know it’s irrational and unrealistic to keep myself from doing normal things and from going on family trips over something that may or may not happen, but it seems shootings and terrorist attacks are becoming more common and I just can’t help but get anxiety.
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self.offmychest
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Getting worse and worse I've been battling depression for quite a while now, but the past couple months it's been at a peak.
Today I went to the hospital because I had a panic attack so bad and decided that I was better off gone. Since I knew what I was feeling I went to the ER and hoped to get evaluated because I feel like I have something more than depression and anxiety.
They didn't help at all and sent me home. Now I'm sitting here fighting off another panic attack and this is the only place I could think of to go. Everything feels completely hopeless and I don't feel like anybody in my life can / will help.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Do you ever just stop feeling everything all of a sudden? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Painting First time in ages I got my watercolors it was a good distraction for a while.
https://imgur.com/a/CHyOw
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self.bipolar
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"But you're smart, how can you be depressed?" Well first off, I'm not smart I don't deserve such compliments.
Second off, why do so many people to be me when all I want is to be one of them for once?
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self.depression
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I don't know what's wrong with me anymore I've been suicidal for about 10 years now and for a long time I just thought I was severly depressed and tried multiple antidepressants and none of them worked. My dad has bipolar and my grandmother was schizophrenic with voices in her head and hallucinations.
Recently I came to the conclusion I might have bipolar 2, which has low manic symptoms but high depressive ones. I do have racing thoughts and terrible spending habits and delusions of granduer to an extreme so it seemed right on top of my major depressive symptoms. I started taking a medication for it per my doctor and it seems to have made things worse.
But I'm also terribly paranoid that someone has cursed me or is after me. I don't hear voices (at least I don't think), it's just my voice in my head yelling at me all the time but it feels like it's coming from me and not somewhere else. I don't see things but I feel things sometimes.
Like I hear someone call my name and there is no one there or I feel like someone tapped me or rain falling on me but there's nothing. I have terrible intrusive thoughts about completeky random things or hurting people or hurting myself.
I don't feel like any of this is real. Like we're all in a simulation or something. I'm so logical though that I can think all of this while also thinking that I'm not well. I don't know if I'm bipolar or paranoid delusional or lightly schizophrenic and I'm so tired of none of this going away.
It's making me so suicidal and causes me to not be able to do anything, I had to quit my job because of it. I can pass for neurotypical though as anyone who meets me thinks I'm completely normal while inside I'm screaming.
I'm not sure if I have a light psychosis due to extreme stress, or something more. I just need some opinions or advice until I can see a doctor.
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self.bipolar
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Could I possibly have bipolar? It’s crazy. One minute I can be extremely self conscious and have 0 confidence, and then suddenly less than 5 minutes later I can be the most confident person in the world and talk to everyone. Does this sound like bipolar? If I could stay as that confident person that I know is in me my life would be so much easier. Thanks.
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self.bipolar
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Battling my anxiety to speak in front of others as I enter a career where I will need to frequently present to groups. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Does anyone else get excited like it's Christmas when you get to start a new medicine?
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self.bipolar
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Adult attachment disorder I think I might have some kind of attachment disorder. I can't seem to form any strong attachments. I don't trust anyone at all even family members and parents. I am 29 never dated and really want a relationship with a good woman but I can't let anyone in. I probably had a few chances in my early 20s to be with a few good women, but I would always push them away when they started getting close to me. I feel like I can't escape this hell I'm in where I really want closeness and intimacy but I can't let it in. My late 20s have just been about complete social isolation and getting black out drunk alone to the point I don't remember anything i do or that happens to me but I know I can function while that drunk as I will wake up with partial memories or evidence like a McDonald's bag on the floor of my apartment. Is there anyway to fix me or am I doomed to die alone never being able to form close attachments?????
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self.depression
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I can't remember how to do basic tasks, tips? [deleted]
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self.depression
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I think I've had enough.. I feel like I'm at my breaking point. Nothing seems to be working out. It's been like that for the past 3 months. I'm 21, just finished my graduate training and I can't find a job. I feel horrible for having my parents pay my rent bill (even if it's not much) and at some point I'll have to return back to my island. The thing is that I HATE that place. I've trying to get away from it my whole life. I'm not gonna lie, suicide has been crossing my mind a lot these days. It's like my anxiety is evolving into something worse. Am I crazy? Overly sensitive? I'm just tired of this way. Is anyone else going through this. Has anyone gotten themselves out of that mess? Advice is always welcome
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self.Anxiety
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severe anxiety, inability to make sufficient eye contact... :( please help Hi! So I'm at a university and I have to give my card to somebody at the cafeteria in order to eat. This time I wanted a box to put stuff in, but it turns out you have to check out boxes, and I already had, so I was limited to that one.
The guy tells me to go and get mine and then I can use it, and I run away, feeling terrified because I wasn't able to just BE CALM and make eye contact like a normal person!!! And I could tell he noticed because it just felt VERY AWKWARD.
What do I do to just.... get rid of this problem? And have trust in myself?
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self.Anxiety
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TIFU by almost burning the bridge with one of the best people to come into my life [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Prednisone Has anyone had a Prednisone shot while in a depression? I had one today due to an allergic reaction and damn it made me feel better.
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self.bipolar
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What is the actual truth behind psych wards? [BACKGROUND]: Well, I made a stupid mistake. I discussed with my parents how I hate living. They agreed to take me to the psychiatrist tomorrow. Now I have no idea what to say. One wrong phrase, and I get locked away. After a while, I think that being sent away might not be the best idea.
I see very differing opinions on psych wards. Some say it actually helped, others say it's just a corrupt scheme to get your money. With how the rest of the world is going, I'm guessing number two is more likely. What did you guys think of it? I mean by the actual treatments, and how the staff treated you? Are they all schemes, or just some? Any staff/former staff on here that has any input?
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self.depression
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How do you get yourself up in the morning? [deleted]
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self.depression
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I wish nobody loved me so I could kill myself [deleted]
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self.depression
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I'm so tired of this I'm so tired of this mess. There's just too much. There's so much.
I keep having flashbacks. I'm alone. I'm having trouble helping myself. This is an environment where manipulation and deceit is rampant. I'm still living with the people who have hurt me. It's not easy to escape. I can still hear and see them hurting me when I'm not in their presence. I feel them everywhere I go underneath my soul. Their voices follow me everywhere. I feel trapped. It never goes away. I'm living and reliving these things daily.
I'm trying my hardest to do what I can. It's just so fucking hard. It's so fucking hard. I feel like the pain is collapsing on me, trapping me. I don't know what to expect.
Everything feels so big. My presence and my actions feel so small in comparison. I break down constantly, stopping often just to learn how to breathe. I just lay there, motionless, absolutely fucking empty, lifeless, I can only stare.
Ever since the beginning, I wasn't made for this world. Suicidal thoughts have followed me ever since I was a little kid. I think about killing myself now more often than I did then. It just feels like everything is getting worse.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I can't stand my filthy friend and how they parent their kid. She's this beautiful, 20-something bombshell that has no problem attracting men, but she is quickly becoming one of the worst people I know.
She has a 3 year old that is still in diapers and only uses bottles, she leaves the soiled diapers on the ground overnight, every night. She lets her kid make a mess all over the house, refuses to pick up after her kid's mess, leaves the laundry room full of her stuff, gets aggressive and abusive when told by her parents to pick up her stuff or if they bag her shit and put it in her room. She flips out if asked to contribute to the house, claiming to be sick, or exhausted or unappreciated.
She maybe works 25 hours a week, and uses that as an excuse to sleep in until noon and lay around until 3 everyday, and claims that she can't start moving around until she gets her Starbucks.
She really is one of those people who is beautiful on the outside, but also has a part of her that is truly rotten on the inside. I feel terrible for her parents and daughter.
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self.offmychest
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How to stop someone from killing themselves My boyfriend has been set on killing himself for the past few days. He's in so much pain and he won't let me tell anyone about it to keep an eye on him or anything like that. He freaks out whenever I suggest any forms of help. He keeps saying that he can't live like this any longer and all of my attempts to calm him aren't working. Advice?
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self.depression
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