start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1400597460 | 1400683649 | t3_261899 | t5_2to41 | 6 | shardmonkey: TIFU by misplacing 15k cash
I was meant to put $400 of it towards a deposit for a car and in my excited state, I forgot where I hid it. Fuck did I hide it? Maybe I took it with me.
How the fuck does someone misplace that much money?
NancyFuckinGrace: did you recently buy a new house with a safe in it?
shardmonkey: No...
NancyFuckinGrace: well it's not too late!
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1400596744 | 1400759110 | t3_261734 | t5_2to41 | 254 | Needmofunneh: TIFU by pissing off the CEO of my company
I work for InsertnamehereshoeCo. as a sales person. I am only 18 and make just above minimum wage. Yesterday at work, I was asked to clean up the extra shoes, since they were falling everywhere. In the middle of doing this, a man is looking through shoes on the rack and trying on a few. I walk over and say "Is there anything I can do to help?" He is quick to say no, so rather than ramble about our promotions as we are supposed to do, I get right back to cleaning. Turns out that guy was the CEO of this international company, testing to see if his employees were following protocol. I did not follow protocol. This all happened yesterday, so when I go in today, I very well might be out a job. Ho-ray!
TL;DR: If you tell me you don't need help, don't fucking expect me to help! Even if you are the CEO!
FercPolo: As a person who buys things in stores and who's girlfriend works for a store that LOVES high pressure sales...
I will NOT buy things from you if you pressure me. If you ask to help me and I say NO, leave me alone. If you don't I will not buy anything. I have put things BACK and left stores because of high pressure sales.
Fuck this CEO and his up-sell loving bullshit streak. What he needs to do is stress CUSTOMER SERVICE and not high pressure sales.
SIave: Only on blue penguin reddit is telling someone about a current promotion seen as "high pressure." Telling someone "just so you know all the sneakers are buy one get one half price this month" IS customer service. OP never stated he felt the need to pressure anyone into buying anything.
BGYeti: I don't want to know about your promotions though because I already saw the gigantic poster while waking in, if I say no I don't want help I don't want fucking help I want to be left alone while I do my shopping, if you start talking about promotions I am already well aware of I start to get annoyed.
Shebazz: If that's all it takes to get you worked up, maybe you should avoid going out in public altogether? There are dozens of reasons that you might miss a poster about a sale on the way in, or need additional information, so it makes more sense to tell you than not to mention it and assume you saw it. Why get annoyed that a salesperson is advising you about sales? It's what they are paid to do
cheertina: If you ask me if I need help, and then ignore my answer, you're an asshole.
Shebazz: I guess I'm the only one who sees a difference between providing information and providing assistance then.
And for the record, following your company policy doesn't make you an asshole, it makes you an employee
cheertina: You can be both. Ignoring someone's answer to a question is rude whether it's policy or not. If I ask if you want to hear the specials, you tell me 'no', and then I start listing them off anyway, you'd probably be pretty annoyed. The fact that their boss set the policy "You must list all the specials, even if the customer doesn't want to hear them" doesn't make it less obnoxious.
Shebazz: You seem to have missed the part where I mentioned a difference between providing assistance and providing information. I've never had anyone in a shoe store ask "do you want to hear the specials", they generally asking "do you need help with anything?" This can be answered with a request for assistance (do you have these in size 9/blue/womens/etc) or the answer no. That would be providing assistance. If the answer is no, and the rep responds with "okay, well just so you know the shoes on that rack are 50% off, and this wall is buy one get one free" they are merely providing information to help you make your own decision, and they didn't ignore your answer because they didn't help you with anything
And which is more obnoxious, doing what you get paid to do, or getting snotty with a minimum wage employee because they said 2 sentences that you didn't want to hear?
cheertina: > And which is more obnoxious, doing what you get paid to do, or getting snotty with a minimum wage employee because they said 2 sentences that you didn't want to hear?
I agree, if a customer doesn't want help and the employe lists of the specials and gets back to cleaning up the shoe racks (or whatever), that's great. I did mix up asking if they wanted help and asking about specials. But it sounds like it wasn't enough for the CEO in the OP, which sucks for customers who don't want help and retail employees who have better things to do than annoy people who don't want their help.
I've been on both ends, and I always try to be polite to the employees when I'm shopping, because I'm well aware of the kinds of stupid things that are given as instructions from above.
Shebazz: > But it sounds like it wasn't enough for the CEO in the OP
to be fair, I think it only sounds like that because OP went straight back to cleaning without mentioning promotions or anything (and maybe because OP is 18 years old and blew this out of proportion a bit). I do agree, pushy sales people suck
| 11 | 23.090909 | |
1400578586 | 1400676341 | t3_260ndp | t5_2to41 | 19 | DefinitelyNotJC: TIFU by mutilating myself in front of a pretty girl.
Ok so, this was actually a while ago. New years eve 2012 (shortly becoming 2013). Nevertheless, I fucked up, and here is my fuck up.
So I got dumped at around the beginning of december 2012, after a pretty intense relationship. I was going through the motions, mourning my loss - I didn't go out, I was just staying in the house and smoking a whole lotta weed. It wasn't a particularly healthy period in my life but I felt like I needed it to get my head straight (in hindsight, not the smartest plan). This is all largely irrelevant but I essentially just became a bit of a loner, as you do after these kind of things.
I came back home after a semester at uni and carried on the same routine. New years eve finally comes around, and I've got nothing planned, so my cousin invites me to a New Years party he's going to. I know absolutely none of the people there but I figure "hey, I've got to get over this at some point, I should go have a good time." And have a good time I truly and thoroughly did, at first. My cousin had bought some vintage whiskey and gin, really strong stuff that I can't remember the name of (which is testament to the quality of the spirits in my opinion). We start off mixing it and having it with a variety of different soft drinks but within an hour or two we're just having shots. I'm not a particularly heavyweight drinker, so by about 11 I'm really quite pished. The evening up until this point has been going well; I've been talking to two beautiful blonde girls who seem super interested in me. In hindsight, this was probably the booze, but I felt like I was the most fascinating bro on the face of the planet.
Around this point, time starts to blur. I'm getting so drunk that my motor functions are suffering. I keep leaving the room where the people are chatting to go get more alcohol and get progressively more drunk. The last thing I remember, or the last tidbit of the evening that resonates with me, is too cringe worthy to not remember. I've finally separated the two blonde girls and I'm talking to one of them at the top of the stairs. By now my words are slurred and I'm fairly sure I'm talking about absolutely nothing in particular. The fact she's still sitting with me is a surprise.
Then I see her face. It's almost white and her eyes are wide. She looks incredibly concerned, looks me in the eye and says "are you ok?"
Only then do I look down, to see that I've been repeatedly gouging my thumb with a broken piece of glass I found on the floor. I'm so drunk, I can't feel the pain, so what I thought was something that I was simply playing with on the ground while I'm sweet talking this lady is in fact a large piece of sharp glass. My thumb is cut about half an inch down and is bleeding EVERYWHERE. My hand is nearly red with blood and I'm just sat there with the biggest, dumbest grin on my face.
Right here I could have potentially redeemed the situation - I'm a soldier, I don't give up easily, and I was determined to play this off as cool, but instead I just freak her out SUBSTANTIALLY more and say;
"Oh, don't worry. It happens all the time."
In hindsight I have no idea what the fuck I was saying or doing, the alcohol had really permeated my actions by this point. She looks scared and gets up to leave. I exasperate the situation by, in a last-ditch attempt to get her attention, telling her she's "really pretty". She leaves.
I wake up the next morning with no idea how I got home, all the light switches in my house are covered in blood as well as my bed. I never saw that girl again.
I've stopped drinking a lot since then, seeing as (a different story) on my 21st birthday which was just before that party, I drank so much I full on pissed myself in front of everyone.
Username__Irrelevant: Seems like the 21st birthday story is more of an embarrasing fuck up than this one though?
DefinitelyNotJC: There's hardly anything more to that story other than pissy pants, a lot of concerned looks and a failed birthday.
Username__Irrelevant: I would find that far more embarrassing than stabbing my thumb.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1400598750 | 1400608733 | t3_261ac8 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by saying (adult) people should be able to get over rape in a not too elaborate amount of time.
We were having a class discussion on crimes and their punishment. Now I'd like to start by saying I obviously know that what I said can be considered ridiculous and excessive. And I would agree with that opinion.
But I can't stand the fact that people forget that although it is a terrible crime you should be able to handle it as an adult (this depends from case to case obviously).
I can't imagine the shame and incapacity a victim must be feeling, not even talking about the possible physical consequences. But aren't there a lot more crimes and their victims being forgotten simply because we're unable to empathise with them? It's easier for something like rape because sex is a subject we all kinda understand in a way.
I received the argument that I would be thinking completely different if I had been raped, and I can only say I completely agree with that. But I'd like to believe that when something like that happens I will be able to (after a more elaborate time) look outside, see all the pain and suffering on the street, realise I'm in some way "lucky" I'm not in their situation and move on. Because let's be honest here, everybody feels for a rape victim (again because they can relate) but they don't really care about anything or anyone they see outside.
In short; my statement was very foolish and I realise that but maybe we should view rape a bit (and only a bit because of the psychological aspect of course) more like for example an assault crime.
PS: really not implying that being a rape victim is something that doesn't affect your life and is easy to overcome
PSS: didn't really know where to post, but because I was quite upset with the reactions I got I considered it a fuck up
Voyager5555: You're operating under the mistaken assumption that rape is about sex. It's not, it's about power. Beyond that it's physical assault; and a violent one at that.
"Because let's be honest here, everybody feels for a rape victim (again because they can relate) but they don't really care about anything or anyone they see outside. "
This statement also makes absolutely no sense. Are you implying that people only care about the suffering of rape victims? Beyond being so unbelievably wrong I don't even know how to respond, I also question where you're getting this from; should we also dismiss PTSD in soldiers because they "just got assaulted" and everyone's "just feeling sorry for them"?
It's clear you're trying to respond to an issue you know little to nothing about, try doing so reading and research and you may get it.
[deleted]: "Because let's be honest here, everybody feels for a rape victim (again because they can relate) but they don't really care about anything or anyone they see outside. "
You're completely right with saying that this statement has nothing to do with the rest. I see that now after rethinking it.
I'm not implying people only care about the suffering of rape victims but what I meant was that people seem to be able to walk outside without feeling sorry for all the bad that is happening to so many people but seem to get all riled up when something like this comes to question. I was also talking more about the people I was discussing this with, who only seem to care about things that get shoved in their face (not pretending to be some kind of all caring philanthropist but it's just something that bothers me).
I'm also positive you're right about me not knowing enough about the subject, I'll try to read about it some more.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1400597933 | 1400624400 | t3_261905 | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting a hot red pepper soup
This happend 4 hours ago at lunch.
I went to a resturant for lunch with my co-worker, not a fancy resturant, sort of like a buffet where you take your tray , wait in the line, choose your food, pay and take your seat somewhere.Very industrial but the food is actually very well made and delicious.
So me and my friend advance in the line with our trays, both of us took steaks with rice and a bowl of soup, my friend took a sweet potato soup, but i had to choose the red hot pepper soup, i just had to.
We have finished paying for our meals, but we find out that we have no space left to sit and have our lunch at, so we just stand, scouting for seats , after a while the manager saw us and gave us some pop on the house for our short wait, and said that he will find some place for us as soon as he can.
After the wait my hands were already tired from holding the tray for so long, but we finally found a place to sit at. We walk towards the table, with a place for 4. On the right side of the table were sitting a man and a pretty french woman, we were being polite and asked them if we could sit with them, and greeted them with a Bon Appétit.
But right then as i walked around the french lady, with my tray in the air, i got the meanest muscle cramps in my back ever, my tray started shaking above my head, i tried to control it by moving the whole thing to my right in a round motion, but i did it too fast.
The bowl of the red hot pepper soup flipped and fell right on her face.
It got into her eyes and her nose and everywhere on her, and she started screaming and swearing in french, i was so shocked that i felt so bad that i took a napkin and started cleaning her face while saying "i am sorry " " i am so sorry" .
She said "YOU FUCKING SORRY?" while whimpering in pain and covering her burning eyes, i did not even listen as i was so shocked and i kept saying sorry and she responded by saying " I KNOW YOU FUCKING SORRY, FUCK"
All of that happend in a matter of seconds, and to remind you i still had terrible back cramps , i wanted to call one of the female workers so she will escort her to the toilet to clean her red face, i turned around and accidently dropped one of the water glasses on the table , and the water just went all around it and onto the lap of the french lady.
The french lady let out the most disappointed sound i've ever heard some sort of " AAAAAAH" mixed with agony and a feeling of why is this happening to me?
The worker got there and took her to the toilet while i was waiting at the table talking with the man that was sitting with her.
It was her brother and he kept making fun of me saying things like " Is that how you hit on a lady?" "Do you think shes hot with pepper soup all over her?" while laughing .
And then she came back out of the toilet, with a clean face , clothes still abit messy but her eyes, her eyes were teary with red blood vessles almost popping out of it, which added even more to her totally pissed face.
She stared at me but did not say a word, i payed for their meals and asked for the brother for his phone number so i could repay for my horrible deeds and left.
Any ideas of how i can repay her :(?
edry97: Tell her you'll pay for her dry cleaning. Then after that offer to take her out to a soup place if she does not laugh then you tried.
mechabot: What if it will happen again in the soup place? :(
edry97: You don't actually take her to the soup place it's just as a ice breaker.
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1400599920 | 1401080108 | t3_261c8g | t5_2to41 | 1,455 | signsandsimulacra: TIFU by broadcasting the audio of my wank sesh to a skype audience
So to preface this, I have a group of like 6 or 7 buddies that I regularly game with. We typically use skype (I know there are other VOIP options, but I think we're just too lazy). Anyway, because of conflicting schedules, we are hardly all on simultaneously. This usually leads to a 6-7 hour skype calls where people come and go at their convenience. I will usually stay in the skype call even if I'm not gaming, but ill just chat or mute myself while I get other work done, etc. We all kind of do that.. It leads to long periods of silence over the call and other stuff. You can randomly say "you guys there" and any number of them answer.
Well the other day, we finish up a good game session and decide to take a break. I run into NSFW link on reddit and despite fighting the urge, a good ole' yank is in order. *~Que wank session~*
I browse a bit until I find that perfect, alluring video, and promptly do my thing, really enjoying it this time around. You know how sometimes a jerkoff is just *really good*? Like noticeably better than others?
Anyway, I finish up, clean up, close out of all excess windows, and glance at the bottom of my second monitor to find *the skype call is still active*.......^IM ^NOT ^MUTED.
........"you guys there?"
Fuckloads of laughter ensue, and I am ridiculed endlessly. For shame.
Own: That's why you use mumble.
Acknown3: Exactly. Mumble is simple, low resource, and has the best quality. No reason to use anything else, aside from TS if you really need the moderation powers for large rooms.
Bergauk: Mumble makes my friends mic sound like he's taking the worlds longest bongrip. We tend to use Skype just for the cancellation of that fucking awful noise.
Acknown3: Has he tried increasing the size of the audio packets he sends?
Bergauk: No, it comes down to proprietary audio processing that skype does. Skype has a lot of filters and shit that go on in the backend that clean out noises like that. It only goes away when he uses his real headset instead of the built in mic. Mumble doesn't process that noise correctly and it ends up sounding like a bong rip.
Own: Or your mumble server isn't setup properly with adequate bandwidth and/or his settings aren't properly adjusted. I have friends who use built in laptop mics with no issues. Sounds like a local issue, not a mumble issue.
Bergauk: Mumble server is ran by a friend who has close to 100Mbit up/down in SF.. He happens to also work in the software industry as a programmer. I'm going to listen to what he said over what you think you know.
Own: Doesn't matter what his bandwidth is if he hasn't properly configured the server. The only other option is shitty hardware. I'm going to continue to think you're an idiot who uses skype for gaming.
Bergauk: The server is configured properly. The issue is with the software noise cancellation used by Mumble. It does not filter out background noise as well as the proprietary system used in Skype. Skype is better at removing this sound and as a result we use it more often. The people that use PTT VOIP like Mumble/TS are ones that play with massive groups. I do not, my friends do not. So Mumble and TS not nearly as useful to us. Who the fuck wants to hop onto a server when you're already talking in Skype?
Continue to think I'm an idiot all you want. I've been nothing but rational in explaining this whole thing to you. Bottom line, none of us have bandwidth issues, the server was set up properly, and it just doesn't fucking do what is required when it comes to noise cancellation. Hell. TeamSpeak is better at it. The consensus from so many people out there is that Skype is better when its a smaller group. It has been and always will be. The moment you can get that through your obviously thick skull is the moment when you realize that other people on the internet can have a different opinion and perhaps might even know more than you. I genuinely hope you look back on that day and remember it well.
Own: >It only goes away when he uses his real headset instead of the built in mic.
Friend uses built in mic, complains about sound quality and background noise and blames it on mumble.
Use Skype for whatever reasons you may have, but don't assume mumble is the problem when clearly it's you.
Bergauk: Mumble is the problem. Maybe you didn't understand. In a group of 5 people, 4 with decent mics, one with a laptop mic; Mumble manages to let all of us but the laptop user hear eachother fine, because **WE** do not have background noise to filter out. The one who does, has issues because Mumbles built in Speex codec does not filter out the noise properly. This results in what sounds like a unending bong rip for the whole session. Skype's audio codec filters it out perfectly fine. **THEREFORE IF YOU'RE FOLLOWING ME**. Skype is better for our intended purpose. Also SILK is free, Why Mumble doesn't use it is beyond me. Shitty audio processing done by a subpar program is the reason we won't even touch Mumble and why my friend doesn't bother hosting it anymore. TS is better, Skype is better. End of story. You can debate it all you want but it's just not going to be worth it.
Own: Your friend doesn't know how to setup mumble locally in that case. I am on a laptop mic in mumble with 10 users right now with no issues. I currently have three fans running in the background as well. Mumble 1.2.4 allows use of the Opus codec. Your ignorance is only surpassed by your arrogance. As I was saying, it's not a mumble issue. I'm not trying to convince you to use mumble you idiot, I'm simply stating that it's not the problem. If you want to use Skype do it, but don't misinform people because your friend uses shitty hardware and/or doesn't properly configure his software locally.
| 13 | 111.923077 | |
1400603411 | 1400605876 | t3_261i0o | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating a band-aid
It was yesterday actually,
I was over at my parents house, because they invited me over for dinner, so I was eating with them and everything was going normally. I soon excused myself from the table to go take drop the Hershey Bars, and once I got their I saw a bandaid on the tile surrounding the toilet. Being the curious adult I am, I decided to taste it. I put it in my mouth thinking I'm not going to swallow it, but I breath in and accidentally swallow the bandaid. I proceed to start coughing with my pants around my ankles. The coughing continues for so long I puke from it. Everywhere. Not only did I puke bending over caused some Hershey kisses to come from my butt hole. It wasn't a full blown Lincoln Log thankfully. I had to go to my parents after I dropped the rest of the chocolate bunnies in the toilet and awkwardly ask them where their cleaning supplies were. They asked why, so I told them. I left right after I cleaned it up and didn't even stare at them on the way out. I'm not planning on talking to them anytime soon.
turtlesarerad14: So you go to your parents house, eat their band-aid, shit and vomit on their floor, then just leave? I think you have some apologizing to do.
Bobster829: I will, I'm just embarrassed which I usually have the hardest time getting embarrassed. I hope they are used to me doing strange things like this by now
turtlesarerad14: But, you fucking *ate their band-aid*.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1400608198 | 1400812903 | t3_261kam | t5_2to41 | 6 | sidewayzsequence: O wow why is that? Are you like seizure prone now or.. what
Jamarcus911: Had a concussion from rugby, screens made me dizzy, puke and at the beginning I almost collapsed in class watching a documentary. They seriously fuck you up.
sidewayzsequence: Wow that's fuckin crazy. I had no idea
Jamarcus911: well I got *stomped* on the back of my head by someone wearing cleats so...yeah, not fun and sleeping was rough too. Seriously, just take it easy..
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1400606082 | 1400615988 | t3_261mh6 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by not cleaning my house for inspection
I had a regular inspection coming around today, but I pushed it back until the 30th so I could have time off to be around when the inspection happened. As a result, I didn't clean the house (because they weren't coming around until the 30th).
The inspector came around today (without my consent and without me being here, mind you). Pizza boxes everywhere. I don't know how this is going to turn out but I am expecting an eviction notice c:
ggrove91: More than likely what he did was illegal in your state. They HAVE to give you a 24hr notice in Illinois. I imagine that is the same for a lot of places, if not more.
[deleted]: I'm British. They did give me notice a couple weeks ago but I have e-mail confirmation of them confirming that I asked them to put the inspection back until the 30th. There was no notice they would be coming today after I put the date back
ggrove91: Yea that sounds like they dun goofed. You have the proof so if they try anything you should be fine. Did they actually confirm that they will come that day too?
[deleted]: Yeah.
ggrove91: You'll be fine more than likely. Keep it clean tho!
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1400607048 | 1400614079 | t3_261o6v | t5_2to41 | 9 | Shaka-Laka: TIFU my life
So the background. I live in a conservative society where you can't even have a girl/boyfriend. People generally have a very nice image of me and most people get a studious vibe from me. I study in an all-boys school and have a gf so I have to keep it a secret.
So basically today I was using WhatsApp and I ACCIDENTALLY sent an intended message with weird-assed (figure of speech) pictures to my gf but hey what do you know? I FUCKING SENT IT TO MY GOSSIPER "FRIEND". The message was...ugh...well what you expect from a horny 17 year old. Anyways I stared in horror and prayed that he doesn't see it. I tried call him up but he doesn't pick up.
Fast-forward 2 hours later. I'm getting crazy notifications on Facebook and messages from EVERYONE is criticising me for actions and even threatening to tell my parents (who too are ULTRA CONSERVATIVE), and others are well laughing their asses off.
I am fucked up. So much for my self-respect and probably my relationship. I have school tomorrow so let's see what happens...
lwgthrow: Changed your status yet?
Shaka-Laka: Just deactivated the account...
lwgthrow: Damn it man, you should have played it cool.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1400606589 | 1400619378 | t3_261nce | t5_2to41 | 17 | EatYourPain: TIFU by getting super fucked up and having a misadventure which ended in more than a few lasting scars.
So this happened a few months ago not today, because fuck your rules.
It's quite the tale, so I'll break it down into chapters for you.
.
.
.
.
.
.
**The Tale of the Slovak and the Vodka that makes his life interesting**
--------------------------------------
*Part I: Nasha Rasha and why you should go there*
I decide to go out with my friends. We have this bar we love in NYC, Nasha Rasha. It's an awesome vodka bar that has this cool deal where you pay $30 and get unlimited shots for an hour. (With about 140 different flavored shots which they specially infuse there. You see where this is going.) It's great, if you want to see how quick it'll take you to black out.
So we go there; we have a group of about ten people and we're having a fun time. I start pounding back the shots. Now you should know, I am a Slav- I follow the Hawk. And I got a pretty sweet tolerance. I remember taking about 5 shots, before saying 'fuck it' and pouring vodka into a glass and switching to that instead. (Later my more-sober friend tells me I had upwards of 17-18 shots within that hour) So time comes for us to leave. Problem is I don't remember leaving because the fire water demons stole my memory. I remember coming into consciousness walking down the street with a few friends- Somehow the entire group split up and I wound up with the following:
A- one of the craziest partiers with us
B-the guy who was trying to steal my gf the whole night
C-my gf
------------------------------------
*Part II: Subway Shenanigans*
So we're walking down the street, we hop on the subway. A is being the guide, since he's somehow the most sober. (this is unheard of) We get on the subway, which is the wrong subway. (shitty navigator) We get off at god knows where, hop on the right subway. Only we're waiting at the subway station, and my tummy is not so well. I'm fading in and out of consciousness and my friend A is half carrying me while the dude B who tried to get my girl C is walking her. So my body decides (against my will) that it's time to puke. I get on my hands and knees and let loose a waterfall over the side of the platform, while A has his hand on my shoulder. The other people on the platform must've thought this was something from the exorcist. My girl is sitting against the wall about five feet away and has no idea this is happening. (we were really fucked up) So I'm puking over the edge and I see a light entering from my left. At this point dude who wants my girl B PUSHES ME INTO THE SUBWAY TRACKS AND- no totally kidding, So the subway's approaching as I'm puking and my buddy A pulls me back so I don't get splattered. I fade out again.
I come back into consciousness sitting on the subway car, half asleep next to my girl. My tummy tells me it's time to worship the puke gods again. I tell my caretaker A, who says he'll look for a good place for me to puke, then decides that the fucking middle of the subway car, right in front of the door and between plenty terrified onlookers, is a good place to vomit. I'm drunk as fuck but my manners are better than that. I tell him I'm not about to puke in front of all these people, so I walk with him to the space in between subway cars. So I'm here holding on with A and B holding me from falling to my doom, I'm releasing a stream of vomit in between the cars. (My first time ever, quite the experience) Fade out.
-----------------------------------
*Part III: Drunkards vs. Escalator*
Fade back in: We're at the subway station, about to go up the escalator. Get on. From front to back order is Caretaker A, Attempted-woman-stealer B, myself, attractive girlfriend C. So gravity decides that fuck my girlfriend, and she starts slipping and falling down the escalator. I leap after my damsel, my own drunken self falling down after her, with C grabbing onto me and A grabbing onto him. I save my girl and they save me. My girl is left with a few nice cuts on her ass, three parallel slices- kinda looks like Wolverine wanted a piece of booty. We survive the rest of the escalator ride without incident.
---------------------------------
*Part IV: Drunkards & Stoners vs. Cab Driver*
Fade back in. We're walking on the road in Queens, looking for my car, which I parked in a neighborhood a few blocks away from the subway station. We search for a good half hour with no sign of my car. So we're standing on a corner now, and before us we see a taxi driver drop off a couple in the middle of the intersection. The two hop out, cursing and waving their fists at the driver for some reason. He curses them out, makes some gestures out the window, then makes for his departure. My caretaker, A, somehow thinks that the cab driver was cursing him out, so he chases the cab across the intersection while cursing and shouting and making gestures. He then bonds with the couple over hatred for the cab driver (to this day I have no idea why). He then finds out that the couple also smokes weed, and decides that they should smoke together.
I pull him to the side and ask if we could get myself and my girlfriend back to campus first (my college is nearby and I live on campus) since we're both more fucked up and super tired. Couple decides to help us find my car. We tell them it was parked somewhere near X school (only landmark remember) but we don't know the exact location because the friend that I came with who took down the address got separated from us earlier. The couple tells us that the school I remember parking my car near DOESN'T EXIST because fuck them they don't know their geography. We decide fuck it, I'll get my car in the morning, just take us to campus. Couple drives us, drops me and my girl off at school, caretaker and attempted gf stealer go do drugs with random couple.
-----------------------------------
*Part V: The Morning After; A Shroud of Mystery*
Jump to the morning after. My lady and I slept fine. She slept in her dress, which is now covered in her blood, which is also all over me. I don't mind, I like blood. I call everyone to make sure they're okay. I call my friend that I came with, the guy who had the car's location (who I got separated from) and he tells me his story: We abandoned him at the bar (he woke up to a bartender saying his friends were gone and that he had shitty friends), he lost his jacket and he took a cab to queens, but not all the way to his house, which is about an hour plus away from where he was dropped off. He then woke up on a pile of laundry in his house with no recollection of how he got back. My other friend then tells me that the rest of them went to another bar in queens after (I had no idea how they did this; I commend them). Also, I found my car the next day, and it was next to the school that the couple told me doesn't exist.
Oh also, I woke up with burns and pain all over the tips of my fingers. Till this day I have no idea why. I presume I either got them holding onto the subway while puking or attempting to hold on while falling down the escalator.
--------------------------------
*Part VI: TL;DR*
TL;DR: Over 18 vodka shots in an hour, separated from most friends, first time puking over subway station platform and on subway, fell down escalator, bonded with stoner couple over hatred for taxi driver for no reason, got a ride home. much blacking out. found out we all abandoned one friend who lost his jacket, took a taxi half way home and doesnt remember how he made the rest of the trip, only to wind up on top of a pile of laundry right next to his bed.
I regret nothing and I want to do this again.
Also, if this gets enough love I'll tell you guys about my Spring break in Mexico, with all the dirty details. Date rape, arrest, insurance fraud and near death experiences included!
jdpatric: >It's an awesome vodka bar that has this cool deal where you pay $30 and get unlimited shots for an hour.
Ummmmm...
>It's great, if you want to see how quick it'll take you to black out.
There it is!
EatYourPain: This place is like the 'finishing move' to my bar hopping list. You never go to Nasha Rasha first.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1400608544 | 1400630558 | t3_261qmr | t5_2to41 | 147 | Dylan5019: TIFU by not riding with my mom.
So I just graduated and will be starting my new job as an engineer next month. After graduating I decided that I would need a car and since I can afford it and have never had a car of my own before I decided to buy a fairly nice car instead of a cheap one off Craigslist.
Last Thursday I made my purchase, a new 2014 Ford Fiesta Sedan. I loved how it drove, it got great gas mileage, and I was able to get a great deal on it.
Yesterday I was headed to my nieces school to watch her perform in her 5th grade class play. I decided to go ahead and drive my new car instead of just riding with my mom because I love driving it. On the way I go to turn off the highway onto the street where he school is. If I wasn't a dumbass I would have come to a stop before making the turn, but no, I have a sweet new car with new tires and it handles well, so why not make the turn at 30 mph? I hit a patch of really fine gravel at the intersection that I couldn't see. I slam the breaks and cut the wheel, but it does little. I slide off the road and slam a fucking street sign with the side of my bumper and my right front fender. I nearly cried. I was so angry with myself. I haven't even made a payment on the car and it needs to be in the shop. Now I have to pay the insurance deductible AND my rates will probably skyrocket. I was hoping for a nice new TV when I moved into my own place, but now it looks like I am paying to get my car fixed instead.
TL;DR Bought a new car on Thursday, wrecked it on Monday.
rw1964: Suck it up and pay for the repairs out of pocket. Don't file a claim against your insurance. You'll save in the long run.
Dylan5019: Already talked to my uncle who is the most trusted mechanic I know. He said $2,000 minimum in repairs. I simply can't afford that much.
unceunceunce: You just bought a brand new car and you can't afford 2,000 to fix it? You can't afford a brand new car.
Dylan5019: Idk about you, but I have a regular pay check and regular expenses. The payment fits just fine into my budget. However an extra $2000 doesn't. I have things that are more important for that money to go towards. Like student loans. I have insurance for a reason.
unceunceunce: Your mistake was buying a brand new car before putting money in the bank. Emergency funds are called emergency funds for a reason.
Dylan5019: I had no vehicle. I have to be able to get to my fancy new job in order to make money. The town I'm moving to has no public transportation. Buying a car was mandatory. Either that or show up to work drenched in sweat from the bike ride.
unceunceunce: What about down payments? Either you're getting screwed with financing or you could have used whatever you put down on your new car to buy an older one until you get financially stable.
You're equating needing a car with needing a brand new car. There's nothing wrong with buying used, and you could have sold that used car and bought this one once you had a decent amount of money saved up.
Dylan5019: I know a guy at the dealership. I paid $2100 under sticker for the car, put zero down and got 0% financing.
I could have bought a used car, and I actually planned to. I liked this car and I bought it new for what many used cars with 30k-50k miles sell for. I also got a better financing rate because it was a new car. The only money I currently have and will have until the end of June is the money I have for my move plus a bit for a month of living expenses.
| 9 | 16.333333 | |
1400607509 | 1400621524 | t3_261oyr | t5_2to41 | 35 | tifubygettinganewjob: TIFU by leaving a job before being certain of new start date
Throw away for obvious reasons.
Anyway, I was so excited to leave my job. I thought for sure that I'd be working within a week of quitting. So in my blind excitement, I thought I'd have myself a mini vacation and quit earlier than anticipated; I was at a cruddy job that I hated and felt as though I put in enough of my time there. Fast forward and I'm still not working. Bills are due. I'm an adult I need money. WTF was I thinking. This is the worst decision I've ever made.
Anyway, thanks for reading Reddit. I guess overall I just needed to vent. FML
DammitChristy: Ugh. I'm going through the same thing... except I was fired and I had absolutely no preparation. I'm in a complete panic/freak-out mode right now.
tifubygettinganewjob: Listen I'm right there with you. Let's just go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint and wait for all of this to blow over.
DammitChristy: Deal. Hope you get some good news soon!
tifubygettinganewjob: same to you! thanks
| 5 | 7 | |
1400609520 | 1400635934 | t3_261sb6 | t5_2to41 | 9 | treevine: TIFU by falling asleep with my laptop charger on my bed.
So last night I fell asleep watching a show. No biggie, I do that all the time. The issue is that sometimes my charger will get pretty hot, it's a macbook charger. I never figured it it heating up would be that big of a problem.
So here I am sleeping with a a charger hotter then hell. It didn't mess up my sheets or anything on by bed (well actually I don't know if it did, I didn't check) but I did burn the fuck out of my arm. I didn't even notice it until I woke up this morning.
Now I know, be careful of where my charger is at when I'm using it.
TL;DR
Burned the fuck out of my arm with my computer charger when sleeping.
afellowinfidel: also, don't overcharge your batteries, they'll die a young death.
joey_bag_of_anuses: Yeah, the SMC in MacBooks will prevent that.
afellowinfidel: SMC? do tell...
LarrysMod: It's a circuit that effectively blocks the charging process activated to prevent overcharging
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1400613467 | 1400617124 | t3_261z99 | t5_2to41 | 18 | WOgles: TIFU by using a piece of paper as a toothpick
now I have a chunk of paper AND a piece of beef jerky stuck between my back teeth.
and I can't get them out >.<
Bullnettles: Floss...
WOgles: yeah... it's not working to get them out.
Bullnettles: Hmmm, one of the toothpick/flosser things? Beef jerky sucks for that, and I love the stuff. Best part is if it comes out in an hour, it's still delicious.
WOgles: mmmm laterjerky... *drools*
Bullnettles: That, combined with the elation of it finally being unstuck... pure bliss.
| 6 | 3 | |
1400610535 | 1400678430 | t3_261u1m | t5_2to41 | 3 | TypicalBeerLiker: TIFU by booking a doctor's appointment
Backstory: I work in an administrative position at a university. Most internal departments come to me to book board rooms for personal use, the campus doctor's office included.
One fellow, we'll call him Steve, has been doing all the bookings and picking up the keys consistently for the past year. About 5 months ago he addressed me by the wrong name (understandable, as 6 people hold my position as well), or so I thought. Perhaps it was that he didn't hear me or simply didn't note my correction, but he's been calling me that same incorrect name for the past 5 months. I've just been nodding and saying "hello!" when greeted with my co-worker's name.
Well I've been having ongoing personal issues for a while now and decided to make an appointment to see a counsellor. As it turns out, the only person who takes appointments at a time *other* than my full-time work hours is Steve. So now I have to explain why I've been letting him call me the wrong name almost daily for 5 months.
TIFU
Mrsjennaferg: Sounds like you FU 5 months ago... or every month following that. Not today. Today you realized the FU, today you can correct him and move forward.
Or - just act like you don't hear very well.
Or - change your name.
NancyFuckinGrace: or call him Albert
| 3 | 1 | |
1400613597 | 1400636436 | t3_261zgq | t5_2to41 | 86 | BobaFettuccine: TIFU by asking an Irish cabbie for sex
As an American studying in Dublin for a semester, we were apprised of a few differences in the language: things like "great craic" is Irish English for "great fun". However, there was one they forgot to mention.
I decided to leave the bar earlier than my friends, so I walked down the block and found an open taxi. Being from a small town and a small college, I'm still not the best with cabs, so instead of just getting in, I leaned in the passenger side window to ask if he was free. I said "Can you give me a ride?"
He said "Surely you want a lift?"
Apparently, "a ride" in Ireland means sex. Thankfully, he didn't take me up on my offer.
GeneralMTC: hi, irish here, another few things you should know about our way of speaking is we say jesus like jaysus half the time, and we curse every second fucking word (dont worry its normal). also our beer is about 50 times as strong as yours so b careful :)
unceunceunce: Psh, IPAs are all the rage in the US and they start at 6% and go up to 8% or 9%.
nucleophilic: I know a lot of beers that are above 9% in the US. Then again, I live by a ton of breweries.
unceunceunce: Of course, but IPAs are by far the most popular craft brew and thats usually where they end up.
| 5 | 17.2 | |
1400615441 | 1400721955 | t3_2622og | t5_2to41 | 687 | daddylongschlong: TIFU by bleeding all over my test
So basically in my state, everyone taking biology needs to take the state test. So were about 10 mins in and I finished my first section. I nonchalantly scratch at a bug bite, really didn't think anything of it.
Maybe a minute or two later I put my leg up on my table trying to stretch because i got bored and suddenly things begin to feel moist. I slowly drag my leg off the table (bad idea) and behold! There is blood all over the table and my answer key!
I really didn't think it was a huge deal until I told the test supervisor. He then proceeded to tell me I am unsanitary and an embarrassment to my school. At first I thought he was kidding but then he kicked me out and I have to retake the test now.
starstarstar42: Username checks out. "Leg" equals "schlong". That's why the teacher was disgusted and kicked him out.
daddylongschlong: I am surprisingly a female
magicfatkid: Oh child, your penis just hasn't grown in yet.
LarrysMod: Mine has, but I've been waiting for my condom to develop before I have sex
faptian_calcon: That was a pretty deep reference.
LarrysMod: I didn't think anyone would recognize this comment. Loving the username by the way
faptian_calcon: Yahoo answers was it? In my quest to commit the entire internet to memory, I've forgetting a few things
LarrysMod: Time for google I guess
| 9 | 76.333333 | |
1400622455 | 1400686372 | t3_2623sp | t5_2to41 | 61 | Shouldnothavedunthat: Auto-import. My computer saw that there were images and decided that I wanted to import all the pictures and view the gallery.
However, I have to confess that if you had a stopwatch you would have found that there was some hesitation between seeing the gallery and doing the deleting. You can call that hesitation whatever you want. "Weird" would be one of the nicer ones that I would use.
IronLung420: Call it a "trainwreck" if you would. It's morally wrong to stare at it and you know that, and at least 50 people are probably going to die but you keep looking. Why? Because it is just so utterly shocking, and you are afraid of what you might miss if you peel your eyes away.
HerpDerpMapleSerp: I almost thought this wasn't a circle jerk. Almost.
docnar: I love your user name.
HerpDerpMapleSerp: I love you
duckvimes_: Put your pants back on.
HerpDerpMapleSerp: That will complicate the love making process, but alright.
| 7 | 8.714286 | |
1400618799 | 1400629038 | t3_2628hm | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by shooting a crossbow bolt into my neighbor's garage door
My birthday was last week and one of my relatives got me a 75 dollar Amazon card, so I bought [this](http://www.amazon.com/Self-Cocking-80lb-Crossbow-Pistol/dp/B00B7B0FIS/ref=pd_sim_sg_5?ie=UTF8&refRID=1HFQZH0XF71FEP2ZCJAZ)
It came in today, and like a little kid on Christmas, I unwrapped everything and started assembling this "toy." I thought it was a toy. It is not.
I shot it once into the ground in my background to see how powerful it was, and I guess I underestimated that. After the first shot, I set up a tennis ball on the railing of my deck, take the shot, and bam. Totally misses the tennis ball and goes straight to my neighbor's garage door. Straight through, I was astonished considering I was a good 25-30 feet away.
I book it to the garage door, pull the bolt out, and sprinted back inside.
Worst part - I'm friends with the kid who lives there, he knows I bought a crossbow, and he knew I was using it this afternoon. I fucked up.
Enigmutt: How old are you? Either you or your parents, are going to end up paying for it. Don't fuck around with crossbows, even inexpensive ones.
melonfarmer123: It's all fun and games, until someone gets killed
| 3 | 2 | |
1400621798 | 1400623282 | t3_262dgb | t5_2to41 | 5 | rivermelodyidk: TIFU by telling my friend he would have to walk a block to my house when it was actually 3 miles
So. My friend just broke up with his girlfriend and we wanted to hang out today. He lives about half an hour from me, and neither of us have our licenses, but he goes to school near where I live. So we decided to hang out. Now, see, he takes the *light rail* to school, which happens to be 3 miles from my house. I thought he took the *bus* which is only a block away.
He still really wants to hang out with me so he's walking here, but damn. Now he has to walk 3 miles?
I'm so embarrassed (/.\)
esearcher: Call him a cab. Or find him a bus route that will take him from his location to your house.
rivermelodyidk: He told me not to because he "needs the exercise".
Meanwhile I'm dying of embarrassment.
esearcher: There's no need to be embarrassed, it was an innocent mistake.
rivermelodyidk: Yeah, normally, I don't plan things because I'm worried stuff like this will happen. This time I was like "What could go wrong?" and of course, what I dreaded would happen... did happen...
esearcher: It could be so much worse! But if you really stress about possibilities like this, in the future just make sure all parties are clear on the specifics (like bus lines, etc).
| 6 | 0.833333 | |
1400624988 | 1400699127 | t3_262ik5 | t5_2to41 | 222 | KingKarrotflowr: TIFU by drinking on the job.
TIFU by drinking on the job. I'll start with some background. I work in a kitchen that serves trendy food an boozes. Normally I do not drink on the job, usually I wait until the end of a shift and have a couple drinks. On this particular morning I was cooking brunch. We were using Jim Bean for a dish that includes fosters bananas. I was already hungover and my boss thought it'd be fun to pour shots of whiskey in my mouth between meals. Fast forward a couple hours and I'm half a 5th deep. I'm good though. My shift ends and I do two shots of whiskey and drink two beers. I decide to hit up the dive bar down the street with some coworkers. This is where my memory falters. I do a couple shots with the bartender and a few rounds with my coworkers. I find out later that we killed two 5ths of fireball in one hour. I black out and wake up at home hours later.
Now I live in a different city from where I work. My girlfriend is in my bed telling me that I'm home and I'm arguing saying I can't possibly have gotten myself home. But lo and behold I am indeed home and missing my car. I have what is clearly a cigarette burn in the palm of my left hand, my fingers are really sore in my right hand, and I have a big lump on my forehead. Over the next 24 hours I use my postinebriation detective skills to retrace my steps.
The first thing out of the ordinary was the front window. It was wide open and the table underneath it was knocked over with everything on it and a trail of cigarettes leading to my room. Apparently I climbed through the window even though I had my keys. Someone must have driven me home but they remained a mystery. I wouldn't solve it until I returned to work today. The lump on my head could have been from falling through the front window.
Today I returned to work worried that I broke something or tried to drive myself. It was worse than I feared. After drinking copious amounts of booze at the bar my coworkers informed me that I first chugged a cup full of cigarette ash and butt water without even flinching. I then tried to make out with my gay coworker, an interesting development considering the above mentioned girlfriend and have never tried to come onto any other gay person that I hang out with. Then, in a sloppy twist of drunk emotions I started professing to another attractive female coworker that I was in love with her and I needed to quit my job because it was distracting. Again, consider aforementioned girlfriend who Im in a committed relationship with and sober I never felt anything more than harmless attraction towards. Then I collapsed on the floor.
At some point I must of pissed off the bartender because he kicked me out and locked the door. I think I tried punching the door down, a stupid and feeble attempt, and the coworker I expressed love for decided she needed to drive me home. The whole way home I begged her to let me jump out of her car and kept asking "why are you doing this to me!?" Doing what exactly I'm still not sure. She dropped me off my house at around 5pm and my story somewhat ends in a sort of squiggly circle that only extreme drunkeness can give you.
Tl;dr drank too much on the job, followed it up with drinking way too much more. Confessed love to coworker I definitely don't love and tried to make out with gay coworker even though I'm straight.
lpisme: Jesus H. Christ.
If this is true, I am not going to lecture you. But remember: these "funny" stories are going to fade into embarrasment as you grow older. I don't know you and no way am I judging a drinking problem but given that you have sourced /r/cripplingalcoholism on here you *may* want to slow down a bit.
I lost friends because their nights, inevitably, became your one night. Constantly. And instead of being funny, it got to be just sad - you don't want to watch your friends lose their jobs, girlfriends/boyfriends, future, over booze.
Sorry for being a goddamned wet towel man. Ultimately, you DO you, you live your life, and if you are ready to live a life of blackout drinking and the shit it may cause, then by god YOU do it man.
Live and let live baby.
KingKarrotflowr: I appreciate the honest love guys. I'm not quiet crippled by my drinking yet but this experience has taught me that I need to take a break for a while. Ive already struggled with drug abuse in the past and I don't need to go down that path again. Wish me luck friends!
UltraHellboy: Love your Reddit name dude!
KingKarrotflowr: Neutral milk hotel!
UltraHellboy: IIIiiiiII LooOOoove you JeeEEsuuUUs ChriiiIIIiiiIIIIIIiiiist!
KingKarrotflowr: Jesuuuus Christ I looooove yoooooouuuuu!
ThundercuntIII: You guys drunk again?
KingKarrotflowr: Just high
| 9 | 24.666667 | |
1400625839 | 1400771871 | t3_262jxi | t5_2to41 | 13 | throwawaymcgee99: TIFU by saving a word document of my favorite porn sites.
**Disclaimer: I had to make a throwaway I can't risk my friends finding out.**
Well for the past couple months if there was a porn video I really liked I would save it onto a word document and save that document onto my usb. I was always careful when opening, closing and saving this file. Well today I forgot to close this fateful word document after a fap. My browser history and such was gone (thanks google incognito) but I forgot to close this document. So my mom comes home and she needs the computer, she gets an email and decides she wants to print it out by copying and pasting it to word. Well she clicks on the word icon and well FUCK MICROSOFT WORD it opens my porn filled document. She's repeatedly pressing open and close trying to get a new document and I walk up and she says "Bob"(not my real name) whenever I open word it gives me this. Well she decides to keep the document open and scroll through it, at this point she sees a website name in a link "pornhub". She says "Bob" what is this.....I froze and I said I don't know its probably from a virus. (I had already told her earlier today that I'd be running a scan to ensure we were safe from them, so I kinda had this going for me). I quickly close the document and thank god word didn't ask me to save the document or I would have died even more. Well she was in a rush to get to a meeting so she didn't say much but I'm fearful of what is to come.
TLDR: Left a word document with my favorite porn links open...mom found it no idea whats going to happen next.
lwgthrow: Two things:
a) She knows what it was, she's just sparing you awkwardness.
b) You seriously can't risk your friends finding out that you save links to porn?
mjnbrn: If it's good you gotta save it somehow!
I made a private sub just for this reason.
sameoldnigga: clever, very clever indeed
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1400626243 | 1400683365 | t3_262knj | t5_2to41 | 101 | [deleted]: TIFU BY farting so hard I blew my back out.
I had to have my wife pick me up from work to drive me to the ER. I'll update later when I get out of the Dr.
Update : The ER doc couldn't see anything last night. Big surprise. He did however give me some lovely pain medication. I'll be seeing my doctor today.
Cancani: Can anyone explain pls :(
[deleted]: Basically I was pushing really hard to let out an epic fart but slipped a disc, pinched a nerve, or something instead.
Cancani: Im reall stupid for asking this but my English is pretty bas what do you mean with "slipping a disc" or "pinching a nerve"
Shitty_Human_Being: Prolapse. Not sure what the proper term is in English but you've got discs in your back that can slide out and pinch nerves or get fluid buildup that puts pressure on the nerves.
This hurts like a motherfucker. Apparently people with weak back muscle are more prone to this than people with good backs.
Some of this might not be completely correct so don't take my word for everything or quote me.
Cancani: ;_;
Shitty_Human_Being: http://www.patient.co.uk/health/Prolapsed-Disc-(Slipped-Disc).htm
You can read more here.
| 7 | 14.428571 | |
1400622131 | 1400676351 | t3_262dy5 | t5_2to41 | 58 | [deleted]: TIFU: Don't grab ass!
While I was shopping with my wife, she went to get some milk and I went to rent a movie at the red box outside the store. We said we'd meet up in the dairy isle when we were done. After I got the movie, I went to meet up with her and though it would be cute/sexy to grab her butt as I snuck up on her, well... It was my wife, but instead of thinking it was cute, she turned around and bludgeoned me with a can of tomato soup. Long story short: I bled everywhere, had to get stitches, and didn't get laid that night. TIFU!
hks9: wow your wife should probably take some self control/anger courses or something because i dont care who you are that is a totally unwarranted reaction to your husband grabbing your butt
Pubstomperxpwnz: Wait....did she realize it was him?
wikthis: I could understand if she didn't know it was her husband, because, well, rape is bad. But if she did know, w.t.f.
Silverlight42: Personally if i'm in a store, expecting my SO to meet up with me any second, and someone grabbed my butt... well gonna kinda expect it to be the SO, and NOT want to bludgeon anything.
| 5 | 11.6 | |
1400628234 | 1400634975 | t3_262nqt | t5_2to41 | 18 | Dynac: TIFU By throwing a grenade.
BACKSTORY: This was about 3-4 months ago. So my little bro went to the Swiss army shop, and bought a defused grenade. And he got tired of it over time, so he was leaving it all over the place to pick up.
TIFU: So I walked into my dad's room and the grenade was sitting on the tele stand, so I picked it up tossed it around in my hand a bit, then I yelled GRENADE Threw it at the bed, not noticing that my dad's brand-new iPad and completely broke the screen. I got the hell out of there and hid in my room.
TL;DR Threw a Grenade at my dad's brand new iPad.
sidewayzsequence: May as well go man up. Its not like your dad isnt going to figure it out. Trust me, just tell him what you did, that it was an accident and if he didn't buy insurance then this is why he should have(jk. Kinda...but dont say the last part) seriously though, its a good look for you in the end even though he'll probably be heated initially. It'll show you have maturity somewhere in there.
Dynac: He was there when it happened.
Dead1: Leave a note that says, "Dear Dad, FUCK YOUR IPAD, YOU PUNK BITCH! Signed, *your brother's name*"
The perfect crime :D
Dynac: I think he would hire an assassin for me.
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1400628826 | 1400679211 | t3_262oow | t5_2to41 | 15 | that_gas_station_guy: TIFU by spending my savings on lottery.
I work as a clerk at a tobacco mart and had been doing so alone for the past two weeks because the owner is on vacation. I get paid $7 per hour and had been toiling hard just to make ends meet. I had saved $500 in order to pay $400 to my university this month and then send $100 to my parents who are in a third world developing country. The business was pretty slow today and I had a long lonely time during which I started playing $1 and $2 tickets. It started well and at one time I had the surplus winning of $30, then I moved on to more expensive tickets. I wanted to quit when I was in break-even, but I just could not. I played more and more in hope of winning a decent amount that will cover the cost of the tickets, but the big winners did not show up. So I am now left with $60 in cash, out of the $500 wage that i received yesterday. I am feeling very guilty and miserable. I should have stopped and saved my money. I am so displeased by myself that I would not be able to send money to my parents to pay the interest on the loan they took out to send me here in the US.
Teotwawki69: This is why they call the lottery a tax for the mathematically challenged. And I thought that lottery retailer employees were generally not allowed to play or collect prizes for exactly this reason.
Voyager5555: True story, you can't collect if you're an employee.
| 3 | 5 | |
1400632054 | 1400785951 | t3_262tm0 | t5_2to41 | 72 | BaddDadd: TIFU by letting my 6 y/o daughter use my tablet which had my porn on it and having my wife catch her watching it while I'm at work
So my wife just texts me about it about an hour ago and I'm still at work. And it's bad porn. Hardcore gang bang style porn. Yep, I'm screwed.
Dead1: >Yep, I'm screwed
Well, the woman in the video...actually, forget it. You aren't a bad dad for having your daughter catch your porn. This shit happens. It's a bit awkward but you move on. I will say that this is why you always clear your history.
BaddDadd: No I'm smart enough to view porn incognito. But apparently not smart enough to always put my saved videos in the hidden keepsafe app of my tablet.
Kindacreeper: Fuck Up # 1.....keeping porn saved on any device.
Fuck Up # 2.....Not deleting all history from your tablet before cleaning up and falling asleep.
I do not envy you today.
Supajin: I don't know if I could even watch porn while having a child in the household. Kids always seem to nose around and find things they shouldn't be looking for on accident.
InvincibleSummer1066: Wow, so, as a parent, that would be a longggg time with no porn. And I think we all know that parents are often the ones experiencing, um, sexual droughts that might be made more tolerable by being able to view porn.
Supajin: Well I suppose that's true, I'm a bit different though, I haven't watched porn in years, so it wouldn't be too hard for me when I become a parent.
| 7 | 10.285714 | |
1400631290 | 1400687582 | t3_262sey | t5_2to41 | 186 | gonzagon: TIFU by taking a dump on a national monument.
So I'm on geology field trip for the next 10 days in Colorado, and unfortunately I got food poisoning from a shitty sandwich.
I was too sick to go anywhere yesterday and the day before, and finally today I thought I could do it. Turns out I couldn't. Half way through the day I started puking again.
Then while waiting for my class in our rented bus, the lambs started screaming so I casually made my way over a nearby hill where I thought I couldn't be seen.
Lolnope. I finish that dirty, disgusting deed only to find my pants weren't all the way down, so I'm covered in shit.
But wait, there's more, a park ranger showed up and gave me a 360 dollar fine.
At least he let me change before my group got back. What a nice trip I'm on.
cardinal_rules: "And that's how I met your mother."
rgauth7: "And then she died and I ended up with my long-time friend as my children root me on...because, you know...fuck her."
Dankoff: I'm still bitter, too.
| 4 | 46.5 | |
1400634155 | 1400649370 | t3_262wv3 | t5_2to41 | 7 | inotroll: TIFU by dropping my iphone at 45 mph
Fuck. Listening to music on my bike not a care in the world, the day was sunny hadn't had a problem all day but like clockwork somehow i fucked it up. I was content and then some shit song came on instead of just letting it play I pulled my phone out to change it (no one else on the road) try and put it back in my pocket and it was gone. Stop, turn around and i pick it up the screen shattered in a million places it looked like i felt. Usually things like this don't bother me but when you don't have the means to replace it it can ruin your day. Fuck.
Dynac: You were riding your bicycle at 45 mph?
inotroll: motorcycle
joeyicecream: TIFU dicking around on my phone while riding. Now I'm a quadrapalegic AMA! (Fellow biker here please never do this again, your attention is the only thing protecting you on the road)
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1400635075 | 1400652663 | t3_262yb9 | t5_2to41 | 18 | eallen1: TIFU by not changing my student loan's autopay amount and wiping out my bank account.
Last month I was given a relatively large check for my birthday that I applied to making a payment on my student loan. I though I had set it up as a one-time payment but apparently it was repeating. This weekend I expected my autopay to process normally, confident that I had more than enough money in my checking account until today when I got an email saying I am overdrawn and have been assessed a fee. Not only did I lose all of the money in my account but I am severely overdrawn. Feeling sick to my stomach. TIFU pretty hard.
esearcher: Unless you have an overdraft line of credit, I think the check should bounce back and end up back in your account, less the fee.
eallen1: According to the email the payment went through and the fee was added to the negative balance on my account. This is the first time my account has been delinquent in probably 3 years so maybe that has something to do with it.
esearcher: Oh, that sucks. I am so sorry. What a tight spot to be in. I probably don't need to tell you this, but whatever you do, do not turn to a payday loan or any sort of predatory lending operation. I'm sorry this happened!
eallen1: I appreciate the sympathy and the words of warning. Luckily I have friends who are in better financial situations than myself who extended me a 0% interest loan on this one but things are gonna be dicey until my next paycheck. I foresee a trip /r/randomactsofpizza in my future haha.
esearcher: Good! I'm glad your friends can help out, even if it's tight. It's nice to have people to catch you when you fall! :)
| 6 | 3 | |
1400627887 | 1400679296 | t3_262n7o | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by downloading and installing a program in a hurry
Went to cnet to find my program, downloaded and installed. During the installation there were no box to uncheck for "install ask toolbar" etc so i just rushed through it, bad idea... I have no anti-virus and it installed 5 random programs that seems to be hard to remove, the first i tried to uninstall had the standard page of "are you sure you want to uninstall?"... i clicked the big button saying "yes im sure i want to uninstall", but didn't read the stuff with small text that said something "but install 1000 other shit programs on my computer". It even made Bing my standard search engine...
TL;DR: Installed a program in a hurry, now i got alot of shit programs i can't remove and Bing as my standard search engine.
ITSWAR: I remember when CNET wasn't a shitty website.
Voyager5555: Right? Those were good days.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1400639361 | 1400720878 | t3_2634tg | t5_2to41 | 30 | TheFlyingCrumpet: TIFU By ruining a birthday with a wet dream
**Context:** My friend's grandmother owns a holiday caravan (Not a big one, just one with a small living room/kitchen, one bedroom and a shower room), parked at a caravan site, which the family stay in for a week over the summer holidays, and one of the summers (when I was 10) I was invited to join them for my friend's sister's 7th birthday. Now it doesn't sound too appealing but I loved it! There were around a hundred caravans at the site, each with a family with children that were around my age. The site was in a massive gated park where we could all play and do general kid's stuff and there was also a community centre building nearby where all the families would congregate at night, with a DJ playing all sorts of cheesy music with those tacky moving green, yellow and red lights (I think this is more of a working-class British thing, but I loved it back then!).
We arrive there quite late at night as there was lots of traffic and it is usually a 3 hour drive with clear roads, so we unpack, have some food, watch a bit of TV and then go to bed. The mother and grandmother have their own separate bedroom whilst me, my friend and his sister all have to share a sofa bed in the living room. We were all small at the time so it was viable. We got there the night before the sister's birthday.
**Next morning:**
"John! [not my real name] John! Wake up! It's my birthday!"
I'm the last to wake up (I'm a deep sleeper), and the mother and grandmother are already getting ready in their room while my friend is pestering them. So it is just me and my friend's sister in the living room... and I've woken up to find the blanket has been thrown off me and her innocently straddling me. Upon waking up before I've even seen her I've blown my load, and because it was a red hot summer I was only wearing boxers in my sleep... grey ones.
Then instantly after (in the most unfortunately timed moment of my life) I hear:
"Happy birthday to youuuu... Happy birthday to yoooouuuuuuuuu"
The family walks into the room with her motherfucking cake singing her happy birthday. So I'm laying there in my grey boxers with a wet patch, my raging morning glory, with my friend's sister straddling me... with the whole family surrounding me! At this point I am still half asleep as I had literally just woken up, so really didn't have the sense or energy to react. From the point I had woken up to the point where the family is surrounding me I'd say only 10-15 seconds had passed. Although, the sound of her mother screaming alerted me so I pushed her off into her mother who then proceeds to drop the cake. I then quickly drag the blanket back over to cover my partially soggy boxers. The girl then looks at her cake for a few seconds before it finally sunk in that I had ruined her cake, so she started crying of course... loudly. My young, uncontrollable penis had single-handedly ruined a 7 year old's birthday within the first 30 seconds after waking up.
This was definitely the worst and most embarrassing day of my life, and it hadn't even passed 10am (fuck knows why they brought the cake out so early). I quickly begin trying to explain, but thankfully the mother and grandmother were understanding and knew that it was nothing sexual as they knew that I had literally just been woken up at that point (although the rest of the week was extremely awkward. I couldn't even look them in the eye for the whole stay), it was just a bit of a shock to their system. My friend didn't have a clue what was going on, and the mother wasn't going to attempt to explain that one to him. The only person who hated me for the rest of the week (and for a good few months after that, appropriately nicknaming me the "cake ruiner") was the girl who as far as she is concerned, I've ruined her cake and her birthday.
Let's just say I wasn't invited to the caravan the following summer.
P.S. In life, my parents have always stressed to me to always try to find a positive out of a negative experience and in this case I have found that I am almost immune to embarrassment!
**tl;dr wet dream destroys cake, ruining birthday**
billyultra: I call BS from OP, you cant blow a load at age 10.. c'mon
RandomRedditReader: I had mine at 10, it was so powerful I thought I pissed myself till I realized it was all sticky. I believe it contains a much lower amount of sperm than regular ejaculation and mostly prefluid.
billyultra: how did that happened?
RandomRedditReader: Eh? I dunno, hot sexy dreams I guess. I was 10, pretty easy to get off on anything at that age. I just remember waking up right as it happened with a feeling of having to piss really bad. Had them at least once a month after that till I was about 13.
| 5 | 6 | |
1400640027 | 1400659549 | t3_2635tl | t5_2to41 | 37 | [deleted]: TIFU By having drunken public sex at an honor society party with a professor
I was banned for life from my university honor society and local dive bar for this event.
So I have had quite a drinking problem over the course of my life, partly due to genetic/cultural/familial predisposition, partly due to my size (around 6'6-6'8 range, easily 260lbs) allowing me to consume massive quantities of alcohol. Of course with both of those things and my extremely high tolerance, I can drink enough to knock out several people. The story begins...
I had already had about half a liter of vodka for breakfast that day and about ten beers with lunch with a large meal (it was my day off except for the event). I had to go to an honor society alumni luncheon and I was one of the speakers representing the students presently enrolled at the university (sort of a current student/alumni mixer if you will). I worked the room pretty well socializing with other honor society members/alumni and even professors, and all was going great. I gave my speech without a problem and generally everyone was very happy. It ended maybe two hours later and I had already had several drinks at the cash bar but was eating consistently so I wasn't really feeling anything.
Now it wasn't my idea mind you but I was very supportive of the idea of around twenty of us going to a somewhat dive-ish bar/pool hall across the street because I was trying to sleep with a couple of the women in the group... just being honest. So we all head over there and partake in the night's festivities. Unfortunately for the rest of them, the waitress working that night knew that I was a regular patron at her other waitressing job and extended me the courtesy of bringing two free bottles of vodka for us to start drinking with (one for me, one for the group in my thinking).
Now just for clarification, a lot of the following was related to me by my waitress friend and the bartender on duty at the time.
After finishing the first bottle of vodka, I started helping with the second bottle because most of the people in the group were women who were drinking the margarita or wine cooler special and a couple of guys who were mainly drinking beer. There were only two people drinking the vodka: me and a professor that I had already slept with the semester before. Now, to be clear, we already had sort of a connection. We both liked each other, we both have the stereotypical Eastern European way of drinking, and we both speak the same second language. According to my waitress friend, she said that we had drank both bottles of vodka and I handed her money to bring two more. The both of us had already been drinking during the event and to continue drinking heavy through the night would have been pretty normal but we were in the presence of very conservative, lightweight drinkers who didn't take too kindly to public anything be it drunkenness, affection, or anything else.
I don't remember quite what started things along but things started getting pretty sexual in nature after the third bottle of vodka was finished. The professor and I apparently were feeling each other up while passing around the fourth bottle. At this point in time, most of the non-event going crowd consisted of just a few workmen coming in for a drink after they got off of work and maybe one or two regulars. There were still around 15 of the event crowd there playing pool, darts, and drinking lightly while laughing at our drunken antics. Once we were into the fourth bottle of vodka things started getting out of hand... the professor and I were apparently drunkenly making out and she allegedly had a wardrobe malfunction by this time. After we had finished the fourth bottle, all I remember is buying two more and handing my waitress friend a hundred dollar bill... We broke into the fifth bottle and were almost done with it by the time that we drunkenly stumbled over to a pool table and started fucking on top of it. I can't remember hardly anything but I do remember drunkenly gulping vodka while having sex under the light above the pool table and the professor drunkenly cursing and moaning.
My waitress friend apparently tried get us to stop as did a couple of women from the event. Unfortunately in my drunken state, my
judgment wasn't clear.
They apparently tried to get us to stop and said things like "you have to stop", "you're disgusting!", and "you're in public!!!!".
As per my drunken judgment I didn't comply and instead of stopping I apparently yelled at the vice-president of the honor society when she grabbed my arm that "youf gotta wait ur turn. i swear yull be next" while drunkenly gulping vodka and having drunken public sex with the professor.
Needless to say, I received a banishment from the honor society and was banned for life from the dive bar. The professor and I are still very close friends but I do have to say the people in the honor society who were there that night still look at us differently.
In the words of a poor decision of a tattoo: "no ragrets"
tl;dr honor society get-together leads to drunken sex in public on a pool table with a professor
SourCabbage: How large were these bottles? Did the professor lose her job?
[deleted]: 750ml bottles.
She was put on "administrative leave pending investigation" but she ultimately kept her job because of who she is (she's written books on gender diversity, equality, and so on, so pretty famous in her field).
EDIT: I'll throw in the fact that I was also put on "warning" for my conduct as well. The administration pretty much decided that because sexy times weren't happening on school property, they couldn't do anything to me. I have faced other cases of on-campus sexy time shenanigans which led to warnings and one suspension (I'm sure I'll share some of them as I become more comfortable with Reddit).
esearcher: Wow, it's like you found the female professor equivalent to Hugo Schwyzer (who didn't end up so lucky).
[deleted]: Had to Google him.
As far as sleeping with a student and substance problems, the comparison is dead on but she loves her work and is 100% behind what she is teaching.
esearcher: It just seemed that they were in a relatively similar area of scholarship as well, as he's written a lot about gender equality, calling himself a male feminist. He's generally the worst person in the world, so I'm sure that's not similar, but the substance abuse, area of focus (and he really did believe in what he taught, in as much as a delusional narcissist can be behind something) and risky sex/sex with student seemed pretty similar.
[deleted]: For sure. I can definitely see some similarities between the two of them.
You have made me wonder if this is something common with bigwig gender studies professors because of their hyper-sexualized field or if it's something that is pervasive throughout higher academia regardless of field. I've slept with other professors but none as famous as her, that's for sure.
Food for thought I guess.
esearcher: I was wondering the same thing about famed (or notorious) gender studies professors. It's possible that the hyper-sexualized field, like you suggested, is combined with some sort of warped feelings of responsibility to behave in ways that aren't approved of in conventional society as a show of sexual empowerment and liberation, and lack of repression. Not that the behavior shows those sorts of things to those on the outside, but the world of academia (in general) is strange.
In other fields, debauchery amongst academicians seems pretty prevalent. An author, David Lodge, wrote some novels in the 90's (based on his real life experience) about the sexed up world of Literature academicians.
[deleted]: I mostly agree with your logic. I have to wonder if the repression of overt sexuality in the classroom has to do with so many professors having sexual relations with students. I mean, you're literally talking about having sex in front of an entire room of people but yet can't act upon it until the class is at least over with. That's some hardcore repression right there upon the body. I totally agree on the point you made regarding empowerment and liberation. I have to wonder if that isn't a huge part of consensual voyeuristic sex.
In some of my sexual experiences, I would have to say that gender/diversity professors are by far the most hyper-sexualized but it's the ones who don't have any real sex talk in class that seem to be the most hardcore (a mathematics professor of mine had a huge degradation/urine fetish, history professor literally had a butt plug in during the whole class until she could get out and work on her painal fetish, and so on), which seems to echo what you were trying to point out with David Lodge.
| 9 | 4.111111 | |
1400640334 | 1400707083 | t3_26369k | t5_2to41 | 7 | CelestialStork: TIFU by flunking out my freshman year.
So I'm a feshman in(out) of college. I had almost a full scholarship that I pissed away. I fucked up my calculus class the first semester and dropped it. I tried again but fucked up again because I was lazy and unmotivated. I did enough to pass in the class but failed because my exam was 40% of my grade. I bombed the exam and fucked myself royally. My dean e-mailed me a letter saying I can only return conditionally, a condition I have to find out tommorow. I haven't told my parent because I'm an ashmed loser who can't face his old-school construction worker dad and PhD in education mom. I really don't have any excuse besides laziness and over confidence.
TL:DR: I pissed away my scholarships by being a dumb fuck.
AceDeuce77: The worst thing you could do in this position is not learn from your mistake, or quit your education in general. You need to continue your education with more motivation this time
CelestialStork: Yeah I found out that I have to meet certain requirements over the summer in order to return. My scholarships can be restored, but only after a two semester assessment. So now I have to own up to my parents or come up with 10k before august.
AceDeuce77: I'd fess up to your parents. But first you need to show some initiative to change, i.e. sign up for a summer class, community service, or make some of that 10k to help pay your parents back.
I was in a similar situation early in my college career, but I changed it around through determination. You don't want to be the "stupid" friend.
CelestialStork: Actually i'd already registered for summer classes, which are reletivly cheap, until I read I was scholastically dropped. Not that I am ignoring your point. I definitely plan on working harder now that I see how easily my dream can be killed.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1400641610 | 1400654258 | t3_2637ld | t5_2to41 | 100 | trampabroad: TIFU by masturbating too much [NSFW, even though I'm at work typing this]
Throwaways are for pussies.
This isn't really a TIFU so much, seeing as it happened a couple months ago. Or longer, seeing as I repeated the same fuckup for a decade or more continuously.
To get some preliminaries out of the way: I'm a pretty shy guy who'd go a lot further with women if he had a bit more confidence. At the time of this story I was in the rut of a long, mostly-dry spell, which I ameliorated by daily, often lotion-free fapping. At the time I had not discovered reddit, so the phrase "Iron death grip" was unknown to me. Yes, this is going exactly where you think it is.
So a couple of months ago I was finally coming out of my dry spell. I'd met a really cute and funny girl who found me cute and funny too. After much flirting we ended up in her bed. Clothes came off; boobs were rubbed; things were kissed and....nothing. My penis literally just hung there like a wet rag.
I felt like my penis was the Millenium Falcon and I was desperately trying to jump into hyperspace.
My "friend" sort of poked it and smiled to hide her embarrassment.
It was pretty awkward the next morning. And thereafter.
TL;DR TrampAbroad, welcome to /r/NoFap. I believe you have a lot to talk about.
Edit: Gave it another shot. All systems go.
[deleted]: Nofap looks like a cult to me more than anything else.
trampabroad: Imagine if Scientology tried to pull that crap.
Worst. Cult. Ever.
camahan: No fap doesn't really work. It is only meant to increase sensitivity. 100% sounds like nerves, try talking it out and eating her out.
| 4 | 25 | |
1400640557 | 1400687327 | t3_2636lu | t5_2to41 | 22 | TobiVailvsKC: TIFU Ran away from a beautiful girl that was most likely the closest thing to the girl version of me without realizing she was interested...
So today I saw a beautiful girl named Amanda who had ran out of gas in Ruston, La obviously not from here. She literally was a grunge-hippie hybrid like myself and had all the same interests after I noticed the stickers adorning her hybrid. She was beautiful. I ran over to give her $4 (all I had) then turned to jog back to my car when she stopped me to introduce herself and attempt to strike up conversation, I wasn't having it. I'm just now realizing this was her intention and it sucks. We shook hands, exchanged names, then I quickly turned and jogged away again without realizing she had said something to start conversation. I have a feeling this could of been my soul mate and it's really just sinking in. Again, I wasn't having it today... I can only imagine the look on her face was comprable to that of the woman in The Hulk with Edward Norton when he walks away from her in the rain. Sad I know, I'm an idiot. She was exactly what I want in a woman, I could feel it. Love lost once again, picking the flower before it has a chance to blossom. I hope I see you again someday so I can apologize. This happened in Walmart gas station parking lot (classy, I know).
Bitch_Karma: post this on craigslist missed connections!
TobiVailvsKC: That's a good idea I believe I will do that, thank you. But do any ever get answered?
Bitch_Karma: yes they get answered, if the connection was real.
TobiVailvsKC: It's up now I hope she checks
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1400644783 | 1401073449 | t3_263c1f | t5_2to41 | 178 | PuddingAuxRais1ns: TIFU by presenting a powerpoint to a 1st grade class while having a full on erection.
So today, me and my senior class had to individually present a "What it's like to me to be a senior" to a 1st grade class. I was excited to show my project since i put a whole lot of effort into my powerpoint. Unfortunately, i suffer from a problem I like to call Random Boner Syndrome, or RBS for short. In other words, my penis tends to get erect for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON WHATSOEVER. They just come and go, regardless of what's going on or what I see and i have almost no control of it other than to try and hide it.
Anyway, i was the fifth person to present my powerpoint. The forth person was presenting his powerpoint when before i knew it, i had a boner. Unfortunately in this case, I had a moderately sized penis. Not to big or to small, but definitely noticeable. Once I realized my penis was almost fully erect and before anyone noticed, I swiftly hid my penis by pointing it upward so the waistband could catch it. After I was done, my teacher called me up to present my powerpoint.
Everything was going smooth so far and I have almost totally forgotten about my random boner. Then it happened. I was on my second to last slide of my powerpoint when suddenly the tip of my penis "let go" of the waistband of my pants and my dick was protruding out in the open. I stopped in horror, speechless as I knew exactly what happened. The room was absolutely quiet for what was the longest three seconds of my life when a six year old little girl in the back of the room said, "Mister, your wee-wee is showing through your pants." After she said that, everyone in the room bursted in tear inducing laughter. The laughter was so loud, i'm pretty sure the entire school heard the laughter. I covered up my junk and the teacher told me to go to the office. Just before i finally walked out of the class holding back the tears behind my eyes as best as i can, one of the girls in the class said, "you have a big dick."
As i sat in the office covering up my somehow still erect penis with my sweater, the social worker behind the counter called my parents, told them what happened, and asked them to pick me up from school. My mother eventually picked me up and sent me home. It was the longest ride home i have ever taken. I don't know how i'm gonna walk into class tomorrow.
TL;DR: My senior class and a 1st grade class saw my full on erect Jimmy Stick.
LoveBiggMuddTrucks: OP is a closet pedophile making up an erotic story, sick fuck and liar, how the hell does this have any upvotes
PuddingAuxRais1ns: I wish i made this up. Or anyone to make this up for that matter. Unfortunately, it's real, and i have to live with that fact for the rest of my life. Also, how the hell is this erotic? It's downright embarrasing and humiliating. Plus, I like women my own age so yeah.
LoveBiggMuddTrucks: sorry but a 1st grader girl doesnt say "you have a big dick" to anybody, period. u fuckin psycho creep
BobbyMcSmathers: Dude have you met the fucked up little shit head 1st graders? They have this thing called the internet, coupled with what can be described as absentee parents. I volunteered to teach some 4th 5th and 6th graders how to build computers. Some of the shit those little bastards said made me feel uncomfortable, and at times I was totally shocked. I spent years as a grunt in the Marine Corps infantry and I have seen some shit and even participated in some of it, I hadn't even heard of some I the stuff they were saying. Based on the shit they were talking about and the manner in which they were talking I am not surprised a 1st grader said that at all.
Edit for clarity
LoveBiggMuddTrucks: ok so u were a marine that mean i should listen to u mad respect ok
BobbyMcSmathers: Ever hear the saying "curse like a sailor" sailors don't have shit on Marines when it comes to speaking in inappropriate manners. I could give a fuck about internet respect...shit head.
LoveBiggMuddTrucks: your whole story is for the purpose of saying "HAY GUYS IM A MARINE PAY ATTENTION ALSO HERE IS A LITTLE PART "
BobbyMcSmathers: That's like your opinion man.
That's what you are choosing to focus on. It is a relevant experience used to illustrate I have lived in an environment where people routinely spoke in irreverent manners. Without having to try to explain this one time I had to live with a bunch of dudes for years and go to shitty places at the whim of others, and we swore constantly. It is much easier to just say it. Now after those years of desensitization due to the crude behavior I endured. It was remarkable that while I was volunteering at a school, the children attending were saying shit that sounded completely fucked up to me in spite of my aforementioned previous experience
I can make sweeping generalized judgments about you too:
I feel heart felt sympathy for your lack of any thing resembling life experience, but I bet you can make enough pathetic justifications and excuses about why you're a selfish prick to make you feel alright with the world. You just need to work on those feelings of butt hurt inadequacy so you can stop white-knighting around, arguing and applying your self-righteous morality to the internet. This kid didn't do anything wrong save for running into your non-reading, non-comprehending ass.
(Gasp! How dare I such things)
If you had not leapt to being sir butt-hurt of the order of white knights you'd have seen the kid that posted this was a victim of his own biology and what happened was not only embarrassing but entirely unwanted on his part.
This comes with the full weight and authority of the internet:
Pound sand and eat shit you human dick nozzle
(I know reading for comprehension isn't your thing; just so you understand I'm calling you an object whose sole purpose is to be attached to the male genitalia)
Happy internet arguing friendo, in all seriousness though I don't mean any of the insulting shit I said above please don't get upset this has been a test of the emergency butt-hurt alert system, this was only a test. All I'm really trying to say is you acted in haste with your reply. Both responding to this guy's post as well as your estimation and judgement of my response and it's underlying motivation.
LoveBiggMuddTrucks: I DID NOT READ THAT AND NOBODY ELSE WILL
| 10 | 17.8 | |
1400645133 | 1401021012 | t3_263cka | t5_2to41 | 22 | throwaway21314421312: TIFU by streaming my masturbating session on twitch
I play league of legends with a couple of friends and use skype to talk through them. However, one day I got a new computer and decided to stream just for shits and giggles. I was streaming and played a couple of games and I had a few friends watch me with the link posted to facebook. I played around 3 games and signed off league like normal, and then decided to have a good jerk off session because I was home alone. I turned on pornhub and watched the lesbians do their thing and after I clean up and go wash my hands and stuff, I come back and notice the streaming software on the bottom of my computer. After that I panicked and remembered that my friend and his 13 year old sister was watching the stream the whole time... and thats how i fucked up..
ChrisLulzz: Locodoco, is that you?
tlozada: This is op: http://i.imgur.com/fqTDJ.gif
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/SeriousBrilliantGypsymoth](http://gfycat.com/SeriousBrilliantGypsymoth)
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^(GIF size: 1.72 MiB) ^| ^(GFY size:160.04 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1400640993 | 1400697691 | t3_2636th | t5_2to41 | 1,581 | EasyKO726: TIFU by nearly breaking a child's face
So, a little backstory: I work at an afterschool program part-time for work study. This usually entails anything from tutoring kids K-6 in math to playing on the play structure outside on nice days.
Anyways, today I was lucky enough to be assigned to the outside crew. Here, we get to go outside and play soccer with the kids (and get paid for doing it!). This one kindergartener, Ron, was having a REALLY rough day. He always wants to play goalie, but all the other kids yell at him for not stopping enough goals - considering he's about 3 feet tall. So, he and I were on the same team, and I was trying my best to make sure Ron was being passed to; at every opportunity, I attempted to have him score. That was a bad mentality I guess...
We came to a position of having a corner kick (my teammate is kicking the ball in), and I wanted Ronald to get a header goal like one of the pros. As this black and white sphere is swirling through the air, I think, "This is too high! Ronald needs to grow about 2 feet, right...NOW!" and I lifted him straight into the air, where the ball promptly collided with his tiny face. He laid on the ground crying for the rest of the game, and my coworkers on the other side of the field, from their position, said that it looked like I intentionally just lifted this little person right into soccer-ball-to-face contact.
TL;DR: I accidentally got a child hit in the face with a soccer ball, which looked entirely intentional.
2ndhorch: http://i.imgur.com/3Yx6fcd.gif
Azrai19: /r/retiredgif
semsr: Never seen it before in my life.
Azrai19: I didn't mean it was old, referencing /r/retiredgif means that gif will never be so perfectly used again and should be retired. Sorry for the confusion.
2ndhorch: my entire life i have been waiting to post a relevant gif, thanks OP! :)
Mr_Evil_MSc: ...your *entire life*? What are you, a fetus?
2ndhorch: well, maybe just half of it - this is the internet, everybody lies...
Viral_Krieger: *Literally* everybody.
| 9 | 175.666667 | |
1400641313 | 1400665521 | t3_26377t | t5_2to41 | 160 | SageOcelot: Tifu by Making an Obscure Star Wars Reference
This didn't happen today, but I figure it belongs here anyways.
I had been talking to a really cute girl for a couple days, and I was walking across my school campus with her after lunch. We were walking up the ridge of this hill, and from the top you could see out over a huge field to the other side of the campus. It was mid-March, and snow covered everything. Through this field, there was a winding path that had been trampled into the snow by kids who had to cross the field for classes and didn't want to waste time walking around it.
The girl I was with was looking out over this field as we were walking, and she saw a line of about 12 kids, walking in single file along the path. She giggled a little bit and pointed them out to me.
"Look at them, in that little line zig-zagging across the field."
It was really a beautiful moment, at the top of a hill, on a beautiful campus covered in snow, with a silent line of people walking in a little line. The mountains stood behind them. They were almost like a little row of traveling penguins.
Almost. Of course I didn't say anything about penguins.
"Sand people always travel in single file."
She looked at me, bewildered. "What?"
"uhhhhhh, I, Uhh nothing. It's from, uhhh. Nevermind."
And on that incredibly smooth note I made my exit.
OneMeterWonder: The fuck up was leaving, buddy.
TheBeerBoot: Yup. Just fucking own it next time.
SageOcelot: I saw the blank look in my eye. Half of the reason was realizing she didn't recognize Star Wars.
Edit: Tifu by liking a girl who doesn't understand Star Wars
Nathan_MacKinnon: This. If she didn't get it, you need to hop on your swoop and get the f outta there.
evilcheesypoof: No, this is when if you get to know her better, you *show* her Star Wars.
Nathan_MacKinnon: Unfortunately, that's not how it works most of the time. Have a friend who has never seen Star Wars, comes over with her other female friend who is ecstatic we're going to show her Star Wars for the first time. 20 minutes into the movie she's asleep on the couch. Some people are legitimately just not interested.
evilcheesypoof: I didn't say it would always work, but it's worth a shot haha.
Nathan_MacKinnon: Haha I tried man! Maybe I should've waved around my lightsaber.
| 9 | 17.777778 | |
1400644104 | 1400701057 | t3_263b62 | t5_2to41 | 49 | UltraHellboy: TIFU by buying everyone tickets to the Cardinals game but my family.
I was in charge of buying baseball tickets for Scout Night at the ballpark, and I miscounted the ticket total. I ordered 24 tickets for 28 people. So, when all the tickets for the other Scout families were handed out, my family had none. After sitting at the gate of Busch Stadium with our team jerseys on, I, my wife and 2 kids had to do a walk of shame back to our car and go home. Both kids were crying, my wife chewed me out the whole way back, and then stopped talking to me altogether. Tonight I'm sleeping on the couch. All because I can't count.
tetrahydrocanada: You couldn't buy any tickets at the park?
UltraHellboy: The whole point was for all the boys to sit together with their friends. I couldn't have purchased tickets for that section. Also, we got $58 Loge seats for $14 a piece. I don't have $232 to throw around.
tetrahydrocanada: That's unfortunate, you going to have to owe your family big for this one. Still lots of baseball left in the season though. Good luck!
| 4 | 12.25 | |
1400647972 | 1400716836 | t3_263g7m | t5_2to41 | 60 | learned_my_lesson0: TIFU by having a quickie
So I graduated college last year and work at a start-up company with its offices in the downtown area of a major city. My godfather, who is kind of like my actual father, works for another company with offices about 5 minutes from ours. My godfather is high enough on the ladder to have his own office with it's own little waiting area with a secretary. My girlfriend, who's in her last year of college, is actually "interning" for him for the summer. It's straight up nepotism, but no one seems to mind because she's really efficient, hot as hell, and working for free.
So I decide to go grab lunch and I text my girlfriend, who tells me that she can't leave but that I should come over with food and keep her company for a bit. I've already done this once and my godfather didn't have a problem with it. Probably because I brought him food last time.
Maybe you can see where this is going.
So I come over, and she's just sitting around with nothing to do and my godfather is in this super intense meeting with most of the people from his floor so no one is poking their head into his office to meet with him. So we flirt a bit, things escalate, and we relocate to the supply closet. It was honestly incredibly hot and absolutely fantastic, right up until the moment where my godfather opened the door.
We were still half-dressed, but that didn't really help much. He just blinked a couple of times, and then said "We'll talk about this later." And then he just walked into his inner office and shut the door. My girlfriend got dressed and looked as though she wanted to die and I went back to my own building feeling very guilty.
He texted me a few hours later to ask if we could grab a bite to eat or a drink to talk about it, so I made plans to meet him in about 2 hours. Should be a blast.
He's probably not going to kill me. But I'm guessing I'm going to get another little talk about being safe and not getting her pregnant. It's almost worse than the first sex talk, because it's his actual niece instead of some random girl. Plus there will probably be a little discussion about not having sex in other peoples' supply closets. And while I don't think he'll tell her somewhat overprotective dad, if only because he likes having me alive for the time being, I feel like it's eventually going to get back to her parents. I don't know what else we're going to talk about, but this is going to be a very uncomfortable little talk.
**TL;DR: Doesn't matter, had sex.**
-WeepingAngel-: please update up op or the pitchforks will come out
Supajin: It's been 9 hours OP, we want updates !!
hiekikowan: >He's *probably* not going to kill me.
Well, his estimate was probably wrong. OP'll be dead by now.
learned_my_lesson0: I survived.
| 5 | 12 | |
1400632804 | 1400695321 | t3_262us6 | t5_2to41 | 9 | TheEpicBlock: TIFU by forgetting that ants exist.
Oh hey, it's spring. Finally, right? Well, I was dumb and usually eat on my desk when studying, etc. So, yesterday I saw one or two tiny ants on the floor and didn't think too much about it. Today, came home from lecture and found my entire desk filled with ants. It's like a damn storm of ants everywhere. Fuck!
The floor, the desk, my stuff, bed, the entire room. So I panic and start to think how much trouble I'm going to be in when my roommate comes home. What if the entire dormitory is filled with ants? Oh god!
OKAY, OKAY. GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, MAN.
I go and buy two or three cans of ant pesticide and come home and fucking gas the entire room. I hope this was a good idea. My entire room is smelling like ant poison, my desk, my bed, my roommate's stuff... All smelling like ant poison. Then my roommate comes home, absolutely in horror. There were ants
but hey, the ants are all dead. I clean everything and vacuum the room. Every single spot has been vacuumed, twice. It still smells like ant poison and my roommate is so pissed at me.
I also sprayed the outer walls of the hallways with ant spray. I feel like trouble is going to find me in a few days. today i fucked up, reddit.
TL;DR: I turned into ant hitler.
------
SERIOUSLY, GUYS
**GO CLEAN YOUR ROOM BEFORE YOU TURN INTO ME.**
NancyFuckinGrace: use lemon extract juice next time
IcePhoenix18: Or Windex.
I've had good results with cinnamon, too
NancyFuckinGrace: cinnamon? really??
IcePhoenix18: Yup. I just used the cheapest dollar store stuff I could find. The ants were gone the next day. (Lots of dead ones, the rest just kind of left)
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1400652220 | 1400726928 | t3_263kqc | t5_2to41 | 3 | SalchichonFrank: TIFU by getting a wood on a Football players GF
Voyager5555: " As she felt it she moved her ass all over my junk as she was enjoying it. "
Yes, I'm sure that's true.
SalchichonFrank: Well I really dont know if she did enjoy it or not but she moved around on top of me while I got my wood. I just say she did because after I was leaving the soccer field she gave me a big smile.
| 3 | 1 | |
1400653842 | 1400686426 | t3_263m9o | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to the bathroom
So, me and my girlfriend are at the Flea market and it hits me, I've gotta poop. Soon.
I head down to the bathrooms and after walking in circles trying to find the damn place, without hesitation I enter.
I'm sitting there contemplating life when I notice a strange receptacle bin next to the toilet. Didn't really think anything of it...
I finish my duty with pride, and head out to wash my hands. As I turn on the sink a woman with a spray bottle and rags comes in. I thought it was pretty rude of here to just walk in unannounced to clean while someone was in there.
I glance up at her and she has a sort of furrowed brow, squinty eye look going on. Figured she was just unhappy with her job...idk...
I finish washing my hands and begin walking out as another woman walks in with a disgusted furrowed brow look going on....then it hit me.
Calmly I walk out to my girlfriend laughing her ass off. She couldn't speak.
It was the woman's restroom...
So I ask my girlfriend why she didn't just come in and tell me. I mean I was in there for a good 5-10 minutes! Since I walked in for some reason she felt like she couldn't...or she didn't want to spoil the surprise, idk.
TLDR; ~~I went poo where women pee pee~~Reading this made me hate myself.
yottskry: Fucking hell, stop starting sentences with "So". Or are you a Californian airhead?
Supajin: Sooooooooooo raddddddddd brooooohh
| 3 | 6 | |
1400664282 | 1400858778 | t3_263unr | t5_2to41 | 11 | chuck-ufarley: TIFU and destroyed my wifes relationship with her parents
today i verbally abused and insulted my inlaws for overstaying their welcome (which they always do).
---
by verbally abused, i mean i was yelling at her in my garage and front yard that she's a white trash bitch. i went ahead and let her dead beat son that was present know that he and or his father are dumbasses. i further went on to let my father in law know that he's white trash, and that he moved to the meth capital of our city. i also asked him how his grandchildren were doing in another state, belonging to deadbeat son, as he hadn't seen 'em in 2 years.
fun background; my inlaw's house had just been burned in a fire, for the 2nd time this year. so, you could say TIFU for insulting my inlaws after they'd been burned out of house and home.
the first time their house burned this year was due to a neighbor kid playing with matches, burning his house down and dying inside. this happend because all their neighbors are tweakers, adults weren't home, and the doors were bolted, nailed and padlocked. the neighbor father showed up in time to save his dog and drugs tho. i digress with the neighbor, but i'm painting a picture of the neighborhood my inlaws live in.
now these aren't old folks that moved their due to poverty, or were there before the neighborhood was bad. my father in law moved there because he wanted to be near white people. good choice./s
now, the fire that happend this weekend happend due to shotty electrical work in their home. someone wrapped an electrical wire around a metal pipe and there ya go. this was a house he chose to buy on a questionable "lease to own" situation.
now the house; the house reeks of catpiss. they have 30+- cats and 2+- dogs. it is wretched. no1 will visit them, except law enforcement. law enforcement visited them a month or so back while looking for their son in their home as a reported possible murderer in their area. by law enforcement, i mean fbi, sheriffs and homeland security with guns drawn to my deadbeat brother in laws head. they don't fuck around with potential murderers. oh, this was the 2nd time this year he's had to draw a gun on him, the first time was because he ran.
when law enforcement visited, they thru up literally. they tripped in the open water line in their yard, and thru up some more, they stepped in shit, they thru up some more.. their home resembles a cat pissed covered garage belonging to a hoarder. actually, it belongs to 2. law enforcement was disappointed that there was so much shit piled up in their house, they couldn't search it to find my brother in law.
i know i sound like i'm just ranting about how horrible my inlaws are, but i'm not /trying/ to paint a biased picture, i'm just trying to give you the full picture of how fucked up the situation is..
the brother in law; deadbeat dad that hasn't seen his 3 kids in another state in 2+- years. violent. dangerous. assaulted his mother twice this year, once slamming a door on her arm, another grabbing her hard enough to bruise her. he's unemployed and had been holding out the past 1+ year for a workman's comp that didn't come thru. he's 38 and lives with his parents after his sister in law in another state kicked him out for being violent/aggressive.
same brother in law also had a history of abusing my wife every day of her life for 5 years straight until she was old enough to work and get out of the house. i won't go into the depths of the abuse.
having the above painted for you, understand that we've asked my inlaws not to bring their son to our home, to which they regularly ignore, and unfortunately take advantage of my wifes hospitality and bring their violent deadbeat son. to further highlight, this is someone known to rob bowling alleys and gas stations at gunpoint, after smoking crack, after having broke his mothers leg, surprisingly after having been a police explorer. yay.
so.. all this shit stews in the back of my brain, my wife invites my mother in law to stay the night of the fire, insurance pays for a hotel room for her and her husband, SHE STAYS 2 MORE NIGHTS!@#!@
the reason; her son needed the hotel bed. fuck it, fine. but then they start bringing their cat piss covered belongings over some of which gets put in my fridge.
i have NO MORE PATIENCE AT THIS POINT.
i still have to wait 3 more hours for her deadbeat son (unwanted, but coming) and her husband. in an effort to get them out faster, i pile the boxes they stuck in my garage by the front gate, and i put my mother in laws pair of shows on the boxes. this is locked in my front yard, nothing walked away. after they load the boxes, deadbeat brother in law kicks my 2 dogs and causes a fight (which my 6 year old later explained to us), so tensions rise.
son in law, father in law show up, load stuff, but then mother in law starts freaking out she can't find her shoes. now, the reason she can't find the shoes is because the son inlaw is playing games. he's telling her he hasn't a clue what happend to them, at which point she decides she gonna camp out in my garage until they show up.
i'm sick of all their garbage at this point, so i'm telling the brother in law that his mom should ask the dumbasses that put up the boxes, he goes outside.
i proceed to go check on my neurotic mother in law in my garage and ask her to leave. she's freaking out verbally about her shoes, and i'm already pisses because the son in laws told me i shouldn't have touched his moms piss covered shoes in my house.
at this point i start yelling at her to get out. she ignores me. i start screaming at her to get out. she ignores me and babbles some more about her shoes. at that point i was done. i let every profane word and thought loose on that woman that i'd ever thought to get her the fuck out.
she still barely budged. now, i'd already explained my stress to my father earlier in the day about the situation, where he related a story from his childhood about the same problem. he suggested some folks just won't leave until you start shooting at them, as thats what it took to remove some unwanted guests from his home as a kid..
..so, i might have inform her at this point that she's got 10 minutes before i go inside and start loading my shotgun. at this point she flips, gets the fuck out, shouts for her husband and says she's calling the police because i threatened her.
THEY STILL WON'T FUCKING LEAVE. THEY HAVE THEIR SHIT, THEY WON'T GET THE FUCK OUT.
the mother in law demands her purse (last thing left in my damn house), my wife hands it to deadbeat brother in law, then deadbeat brother in law tells my mother in law he never got the purse, just to further continue this shit.
at this point, i'm screaming for the white trash to get out with taser in hand, my father in law is screaming that i'm a pothead in an attempt to embarass me, and my wife says my brother in law wasn't far from hitting me.
they finally goto their car, we think they've left, but then my mother in law continues to call my wife and starts harassing her about a gift she gave her half a year ago, saying she wants it back, blahblah.
at this point, we put the drama down, i look outside 5 mins later to see the inlaws just pulling away.
we immediately left after, went to my safe and sane stable parents home, and had french toast and sausage while trying to calm down, and avoid potential law enforcement interaction.
//okay, i'm stopping here. while the above information covers the jist of the situation, theres so much more horror.. the cat piss. they and everything they own smells like a litterbox.
ps: my 2 children slept thru the fight, but my son was kinda scared/concerned due to the instigated dog fight before he went to bed. my immediate family was my driving concern for my admittedly bad behavior.
bonus: best lines from my father inlaw after i tell them to go home,
"we have no home to go to!".
and
"you pothead!"
//please ask for more details. i'll be happy to post. yes, i know i'm an asshole.
stillSmotPoker1: You will probably end up with an ass whooping later. You've earned it. As far as life goes, hard times will fall on you too let's hope it's not a catastrophe. Did you think they would find a new place to live the very next day? Still after I found a home I would move out and beat the crap out of you and bud you have plenty of crap to be beat out of you. You are going to lose your wife with the way you treated her folks in a catastrophic situation.
chuck-ufarley: you sound like a piece of shit just like my brother in law. no wonder you relate so well. molest or assault any family members lately?
have fun in jail with that kind of attitude. you sound like someone that belongs there.
outside that, my wifes disowned her family, and the rest of her extended family has no respect for her parents either, for the same reasons listed above.
note; if you'd paid attention, i did state in the OP that they did have a place to sleep, the next day, courtesy of insurance.
stillSmotPoker1: See there you go again and prove it. I don't want to know you, I don't care for your explanations and cruel mockery of people in very difficult situations. What you have posted shows how douche baggy you are. Phil Collins put it so aptly "If you were drowning I would not lend a hand". Well actually I would, but I know you wouldn't albeit there's not much of humanity in you worth saving. Your parents need to be slapped for birthing a whole ASS. Time is going to prove to you how wrong you are. Let's just hope you are smart enough to learn from it.
chuck-ufarley: have fun relating to child molesters and violent offenders.
i'm sure you'll have fun measuring yourself and your nobility next to other likeminded folks behind bars.
have a nice life. :)
btw - i lent a hand. i just chose to let go when i was being pulled under.
stillSmotPoker1: Did your ostentatious post backfire on you? Yes you lent a hand alright a tacky hand that shoved them back in the fire. BTW where did the child molester come from? Do you understand slander? As for violent offender sometimes it's a necessary evil, some people deserve their ass whippings.
I do know if I had been there and you did that to my parents, you would carry broken bones along with your well earned ass whipping.
chuck-ufarley: like i said. violent piece of shit that belongs in jail.
i hope you find it soon.
you relate well to molesters and violent offenders.
have a nice day. :)
btw - slander? this is an anonymous forum with a post on a throw away account with no specific identifiers.
you talk out of your ass alot.
look out everyone, internet tough guy is going to beat me up!
stillSmotPoker1: Not so anonymous you dumbass. No specific identifiers, Are you really that slow? Quit while you are behind. As for the violence you must have forgotten about the foo fighters concert back a couple of years back where you slammed a guy to the ground...
chuck-ufarley: wow, someones really butt hurt.
reddit detective to the rescue!
so much for you having friends, bud. looks like you got alotta free time, between stalking people online and posting endless amounts of shit no1 cares about or even reads (karma tells).
stillSmotPoker1: LOL and you thought a TIFU was going to agree with you. With the way you throw boorish adjectives and slandering of the helpless in your harangued post. I would almost think you were a eunuch but seeing as you have a wife and children... Are you sure their yours?
chuck-ufarley: LOL and you think you're a reddit representitive even though no1 consistently upvotes let alone gives a fuck about what you say in the positive or otherwise.
enjoy your dying days commenting on porn subs and trolling tifu for negative karma.
have a nice day!
stillSmotPoker1: You must live in angst of every day knowing you are potato and can't make a logical, decent nor funny retort to people you have disagreements with. You must be a boring person. If I had known you were this badly handicapped I wouldn't have responded to your ridiculous hyperbole post.
Your attempt at trying to get votes is pathetic. To follow through with your askew form of logic, I posted to your rant looking for what, votes?
Bet your parents wished they had used a condom every time they hear you whine. Hope you don't work around people with that sharp mind of yours. You are more predisposed to fold napkins and fill up the straw dispenser. Now go make us a sandwich and that beer better be open when you bring it.
chuck-ufarley: troll troll troll your boat.
| 13 | 0.846154 | |
1400676604 | 1400725138 | t3_2645rs | t5_2to41 | 952 | Bloody-smashing: TIFU by leaving my big, purple dildo in the sink.
This happened when I lived in halls.
My boyfriend had just been up to see me for the first time in almost a month. Needless to say we were both extremely horny and feeling very kinky.
This led to us getting out the sex toys which included a massive purple dildo with a realistic head and veins etc.
Before my boyfriend left he washed the dildo and left it in the sink. I lived in a flat with seven other girls and we all has an ensuite. I didn't realise he had left it there and one of my flatmate's knocked on my door and I let her in.
Little did I know my bathroom door was wide open and there was a dildo rising it's purple head out of the sink. She came in, glanced in the bathroom, freaked out and left.
I was confused at this point so I went into the bathroom and lo and behold that fucking dildo was staring me in the face. So I got rid of it. Then another of my flatmate's knocked on my door, I let them in and she was like aw S told me to come in here and look in your sink.
I was absolutely mortified so I went and spoke to them both to clear the air. The rest of the year nobody could mention the word purple or dildo without my stomach sinking.
WWLadyDeadpool: A woman from my old unit sent her boyfriend a video including the use of a similar dildo, before he found out she had cheated on him. Everybody he knew saw the video, and she is now 'Purple dildo girl'
Just wanted to tell you, could be worse.
GibbieGibson: Was her name Sanchez?
WWLadyDeadpool: I don't remember. She was a medic.
GibbieGibson: Yes I know who ur talking about. She was in my unit in Germany
WWLadyDeadpool: Were you in 214th?
GibbieGibson: Yup
WWLadyDeadpool: Too funny. When were you there? I was the BOSS VP from 2010 til the shut down.
GibbieGibson: 2009-12
| 9 | 105.777778 | |
1400628313 | 1400714122 | t3_262nvm | t5_2to41 | -1 | oOGeneral_RyanOo: Tifu by having Aspergers and poorly responding to non-verbal social cues
So today in school, I was talking to a good friend about a common interest. One of my not-as-close friends tried to get my attention non-verbally (this does not usually work...) and I missed it, which she mistook for me being mean. I ended up hurting her feelings by accident and now I kind of feel bad about it. I sent her a message after a mutual friend informed me I hurt her feelings, but have yet to receive a response.
EDIT: I told her, she understands now
No_Wheaties_: Buy a fedora. She will have it coming next time.
oOGeneral_RyanOo: /r/circlejerk please go
| 3 | -0.333333 | |
1400677261 | 1400693877 | t3_2646j4 | t5_2to41 | 29 | Zecherach: TIFU by asking a blind man to read something for me
So, I started a new job as a consultant for a bank. A client calls me and tells me all about his problem. I ask him for his bank account number and start the process to verify him as owner of this account. On the file of the client was written "Mr. X is bling, do not ask him to read things." in big letters but of course dumb me did not notice it.
So I ask him for his card number and he says that he is blind. And since I am an idiot, I go on: "Sir, I cannot help you without this information."
He answered: "I cannot see, it should be on file that I am blind."
I stop and check the file again and there it is. Big letters and color and all but I didn't get it. I apologized numerous time and told him that something like this should not happen and that I am a moron.
duckvimes_: > Mr. X is bling
Was he wearing a big gold chain or something?
theraf8100: It's actually just steel, but the salesman assured him it was gold.
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1400678062 | 1400695561 | t3_2647jg | t5_2to41 | 258 | ssh2_scp_recv: TIFU by texting and driving down a road under construction.
This didn't happen today but rather on Sunday after my senior prom.
This road has been under construction for some time and is a favorite spot of mine to go and chill if I need alone time as there is nothing out there yet.
After prom Saturday night I went to the school's after prom and then left after it had died down. My friends all went to a party but I decided to drive around and listen to music and relax.
After sitting out there for an hour or so I was about to head home and get some sleep before having to go to work at 7am. I knew the concrete pipes (as seen in the picture at the bottom of this story) were there and I was on the other side of the road to avoid them.
I was almost home free until I decided to shoot a text to my friend asking him about the party. I guess I drifted over to the lane with the pipes because next thing I know I heard a loud crunching sound, I'm sideways on the ground, and I smell smoke.
I immediately unbuckled my seat belt and attempted to get out the passenger door. The door would barely open but I managed to get out. Then I used my one headlight still attached to my truck to check myself for injuries. I managed to walk away with only a scratch on my knee from broken glass.
I called the police and they sent an ambulance and patrol officer to my location. After examining the wreck and being checked out by the EMTs, the officer called for a wrecker since my truck's frame was bent and was undriveable.
I'm lucky to be alright after this incident and I can't stress enough how important it is to not text and drive. I learned my lesson the hard way and I hope that those of you that do text and drive take my experience as a reason to quit while you're ahead.
http://i.imgur.com/UtUrEHY.jpg
Omnifarious: Why the fuck are the pipes just sitting out like that into the middle of a lane with absolutely no barrels or anything in sight?
Seems like somebody is lax as hell with safety regulations.
ssh2_scp_recv: Yeah it is very stupid to have them out there. The worst part is they are charging me $1100 for the pipes which they claim are all damaged. Only the first 2 have cracks. The others have chips the size of a pencil eraser. Oh well that's what insurance is for haha
CjStaal: Sue them!
ssh2_scp_recv: I will contact someone and see what my legal options are
CjStaal: Show them that picture and any attorney will cream themselves
ssh2_scp_recv: Haha I'll be sure to do that.
Deadarf: If you look towards legal action in this case, you're a jerk. You did this, not them. Now take the consequences like an adult.
ssh2_scp_recv: I guess you're right. I shouldn't make this worse than it is
Ranyilliams: Suing people at a moments notice is very low when you (admittedly) made a very serious mistake and broke the law at the same time...
Omnifarious: To be fair so did the construction company.
Not saying two wrongs make a right but I'd sue or at the very least make a stink until they dropped me paying for their shit just because they're shady enough that they're trying to make him pay for the pipes that weren't cordoned off properly for a construction job.
Both OP and the construction crews could have killed somebody in this instance. He was texting and could have hit somebody and they had gray pipes sitting out in the middle of a road that is gray as well on what looks like the bottom of a hill around a low/no visibility corner as donated by the double yellow no passing road markers.
Far as I'm concerned two assholes can sue each other all they want
femaledog: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Contributory_negligence
autowikibot: #####&#009;
######&#009;
####&#009;
[**Contributory negligence**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Contributory%20negligence): [](#sfw)
---
>
>__Contributory negligence__ in common-law jurisdictions is generally a [defense](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defense_(legal\)) to a claim based on negligence, an action in [Tort](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tort). This principle is relevant to the determination of liability and is applicable when [plaintiffs](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plaintiffs)/[claimants](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Claimants) have, through their own negligence, contributed to the harm they suffered. It can also be applied by the Court in a Tort matter irrespective of whether it was pleaded as a defence.
>For example, a [pedestrian](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pedestrian) crosses a road negligently and is hit by a driver who was driving negligently. Since the pedestrian has also contributed to the accident, they may be barred from complete and full recovery of damages from the driver (or their insurer) because the accident was less likely to occur if it weren't for their failure to keep a proper lookout. Another example of contributory negligence is where a plaintiff actively disregards warnings or fails to take reasonable steps for his or her safety, then assumes a certain level of risk in a given activity; such as diving in shallow water without checking the depth first.
>In some jurisdictions, the doctrine states that a victim who is at fault to any degree, including only 1% at fault, may be denied compensation entirely. This is known as pure contributory negligence. :85 In the United States, the pure contributory negligence only applies in Alabama, the District of Columbia, Maryland, North Carolina, and Virginia. Indiana applies pure contributory negligence to medical malpractice cases and tort claims against the state government.
>In England and Wales, it is not possible to defeat a claim under contributory negligence and therefore completely deny the victim compensation. It does however allow for a reduction in damages recoverable to the extent that the court sees fit. In [India](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/India) compensation in favour of victim gets reduced in proportion with his negligence.
>In Australia, particularly New South Wales, the award of damages is reduced by the same percentage as the Plaintiff's own negligence. For example, if the Plaintiff was 50% negligent in causing his or her own accident, but would otherwise be entitled to $100,000 in damages, a Court will only award $50,000. A Court may also find that 100% contributory negligence is applicable in which case the Plaintiff is not entitled to any damages. Determining the extent of the contributory negligence is subjective and heavily dependent on the evidence available. Parties will often work to negotiate a mutually satisfactory percentage figure when engaging in [Alternative Dispute Resolution](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alternative_Dispute_Resolution) (such as Mediation). If the matter does not settle, a percentage figure is ultimately assigned by the Court at the Hearing.
>
---
^Interesting: [^Law ^Reform ^\(Contributory ^Negligence) ^Act ^1945](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Law_Reform_\(Contributory_Negligence\)_Act_1945) ^| [^Comparative ^negligence](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comparative_negligence) ^| [^Tort](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tort) ^| [^English ^tort ^law](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/English_tort_law)
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| 13 | 19.846154 | |
1400617348 | 1400700240 | t3_26260y | t5_2to41 | 6 | DownInFive: TIFU by accusing my friend's sister of stealing something that wasn't there to begin with.
Me and my friend found our 360 profiles were missing when we turned on the 360 and when we went to check the storage found no memory was there.We didn't know the 4gb 360s didn't have an actual hard drive it was all internal.So when we checked the memory slot and saw that nothing was there we freaked claiming someone had stolen it.We made a big ass scene and convinced everyone that his sister stole it,because she had stolen small things before previously. It wasn't until a week after all this drama had happened that we realized our mistake.It just got the pre red ring of death symptoms... So now we look like idiots starting shit for no reason...Fuck my life but it feels good typing this out...
Voyager5555: Did you actually let people know that she didn't steal it?
DownInFive: Yes,but now we look like assholes because of jumping the gun.
| 3 | 2 | |
1400675249 | 1400689715 | t3_26446r | t5_2to41 | 41 | middlenametrouble: TIFU by helping to pay for a funeral vs grad school
My wife and I have been together since high school and she recently got accepted to grad school which will start in a couple weeks. She lost her father last month which was very hard on her as they had become very close in his final years. Then her brother, who has been battling depression for years, put himself in the ICU after an overdose (pills). We helped cover the funeral expenses, then I found out financial aid will not cover anything until the fall. I'm looking at a $4800 shortfall or she will be dropped from the program. She's had a rough time and I don't want to see her lose this too.
Azrai19: I wouldn't so much call this a fuck up as being in a bad situation. I know its not optimal, but maybe check with your bank and try to get a loan to cover until financial aid starts.
RatoUnit: If you have decent credit, and a steady income, you shouldn't even need to get a loan. The bank will more than likely be willing to open a $5000 line of credit without even thinking twice. The interest rate should be quite reasonable (<1/3 of credit card rates), and you'll only have to pay a nominal monthly payment (~$50) until the financial aid comes in, at which point you can pay off the entire balance, no penalty. The line of credit will remain open, and you can keep it for future emergencies like this.
| 3 | 13.666667 | |
1400679996 | 1400786510 | t3_264a68 | t5_2to41 | 47 | [deleted]: TIFU by messing around with my friend's phone
Not using a throwaway because fuck it, because everyone already knows, and this probably won't blow up. I am a senior in high school, and recently came back from a school tour overseas, where each different hotel we went to we had to dorm with 2-3 other guys (I'm a male, just saying). One morning, we had a couple of hours before we had to leave the hotel so a guy I was dorming with went downstairs to the lobby to exercise or some shit. Me and the other guys I was dorming with just stayed back in the room to chill for another couple of hours. We were just talking, and, all of a sudden, we this Nicki Minaj song started playing (the fitness kid told me later it was probably the activator app on his phone that caused it). So, we got his phone out, got his password in second shot (his birthday), and got complete access to all his shit. After snooping around and not finding anything fulfilling enough, albeit some interesting search history, snapchats and some names on the notes page, we decided to go one step further and use the internet to download some porn images. We got pretty into it, going for all these weird fetishes and shit, like 'gay bukkake bdsm'. Deciding not to tell the guy, we left it, and eventually forgot about it. Fast forward a few days, the school principal gets a complaint from the guy's mother. It turns out that all the photos were synced to his mother's iPad, and the search history was also possibly synced. The guy didn't actually get a punishment, but word got around and, as he's a kind of a sensitive, goodie-two shoed guy, his reputation was ruined.
Afterwards, we told him about the incident, and apart from being slightly pissed, he was near alright with it. As far as I know, he still hasn't told anyone the truth, as he isn't getting any shit for it anymore.
TL;DR: everyone now thinks my friend watches tentacle porn
Supajin: I don't know why you'd ever want photos to sync to your mother's iPad... that's just a recipe for disaster
MacDaddy916: Man I hate that quest! well ihave to do it for that barrows gloves lol cant wait till the 27th
Supajin: What's on the 27th? I remember doing that quest on my main, took foreeeever.
MacDaddy916: on the 27th f2p is coming Old School Runescape. If you dont know what that is, it is pretty much the 2007 version of runescape. It is alot of fun and now they are going to make it free to play
Supajin: Wow they're going to make the whole thing free to play? Even the members access only content? That's pretty nice of them
MacDaddy916: no you still need to pay for the member content but still it gives you a chance to try oldschool version of runescape and decide if you want to pay for more or not
Supajin: Ahh I see, I don't think I can ever start from scratch again though. I've made way too many accounts on runescape in the past haha.
MacDaddy916: just give it a try maybe starting from scratch would give you a great nostalgia feeling I know I felt nostalgia when I start fresh
| 9 | 5.222222 | |
1400553407 | 1400687730 | t3_25zx56 | t5_2to41 | 3 | mrvader1234: TIFU by wearing pants too small
So today I fucked up. I salvaged it but it could've been way worse.
Today was the last day of the laundry cycle. My hamper is full to bursting and I've only one pair of pants left. I hike them up and notice that they are a bit difficult to button but these are all I've got other than shorts, and I DONT wear shorts. As I wear them to the bus stop I notice they're a bit tight however not that bad and it's already 6:5something (six fifty something) and the bus will be here any minute.
Over the course of the day they feel fine, a little tight getting them back on after gym but other than that not bad. A bit restricting at most. Lunch rolls around and occasionally we'll go to the gym afterwards if we get the cool lunch monitor, which we did. Me and my friend that we'll call jack are really into soccer so as soon as we go in we try to raid gym storage for soccer balls, alas it is locked. Now you must understand my friends are, for the most part, assholes so we turn to hiding each other's books. This goes on for a good amount of time until I look over to the direction if the storage and see the door open. I rush over as quickly as I can and grab the door as it closes behind someone, go inside, and grab a ball. Since next year I plan on being a keeper on my schools varsity I give it my best clear across the gym aaaaaannndddd my shoe flies off. I walk over nonchalantly giggling at my "misfortune" and throw my shoe on and get on my knees to tie my shoes and it happens. Something catches my eye shooting up my leg and I notice...its a tear. I shoot onto my feet and clench my legs together I then waddle over to my books and carry them at waist height after pulling my hoodie down as far as possible. I stand back to the wall screaming to each of my friends to give me my books back since they'd been lost in the hiding blitz. I eventually get most of my stuff back (I'm only missing a notebook) then waddle down to the office to call my mom. My mom 8/10 times works from home however TODAY she went into the city so I was forsaken, left to find my own solution but I was drawing blanks so I decide to call her anyway. I waddle into the office and ask to use the phone my mom doesn't pick up the first few times but after a couple of tries I get her on the line. Now I've got two choices, stand next to the phone with it resting on my soldier while holding my books or sit with my books on my lap...a good 5 feet away from the phone. I try the first but she suggests I put my stuff down so I fall back onto the latter. After this point people start filing into the office one of which being the school nurse who suggests I get up and stand next to the phone so I inch my seat closer to the phone. My mom all this time suggesting I wear my gym SHORTS, this is devastating but I have no choice but to shuffle into the locker room and change. I walk into health class and jack starts cracking up because from his perspective I somehow ruin my pants looking for my binder. That smug motherfucker.
NancyFuckinGrace: What the hell is wrong with shorts?
mrvader1234: I just don't like them, they make me feel more vulnerable than a sturdy pair of denim.
Unfortunately the pants that I wore that day weren't a sturdy pair of jeans it was a crappy pair of chinos
NancyFuckinGrace:
What do you mean by vulnerable? I don't mean to offend you if I do, but are you a lady? or is it cold there or something?
mrvader1234: I go outside a lot and sometimes get grass cut. Also most things that happen to my jeans I don't want happening to my Skin. It provides shielding from pricker bushes, ticks, poison ivy, abrasive objects brushing my legs. Also I'm a dude and self conscious of my hairy legs.
NancyFuckinGrace: nah mang, chicks dig that hairy thing
but yea, fuck mowing and the such with shorts on
| 6 | 0.5 | |
1400684276 | 1400687902 | t3_264gf9 | t5_2to41 | 209 | NomaneGypsy: TIFU by sharing my wiener
Just over an hour ago I was still asleep and my roommate brought his parents in to bring some of his things home a bit before the quarter ends. I guess I must have been heating up during the night, because despite being in my boxers I had kicked off the blankets and lay more or less spread eagle on my back. However, the problem is that the particular pair of boxes I had on has a pretty unreliable button which often comes undone. While annoying it had never caused any real problems until now. By the time his parents came in, about 3/4 of my shaft was hanging out, floppy, loose, and ripe for viewing.
Fortunately, his parents are rather easygoing and didn't really mind seeing it, however he's a lot more tightly wound and I'm pretty sure he thinks I just fell asleep jerking it, which is something he'd definitely be upset about (especially because we had known beforehand that they would be here early morning). He's otherwise a cool guy and is one of the people I'm living with next year, so this is certainly not how I'd like this quarter to end...
Edit for bonus FU: now he knows my reddit name
Supajin: Well, at least you didn't fuck his mom.
PLACENTIPEDES: Or his dad
WarAndRuin: Or both
| 4 | 52.25 | |
1400682565 | 1400798534 | t3_264dw1 | t5_2to41 | 78 | Winendinen69: TIFU by emailing my professor
I go to a small, liberal arts Lutheran university. Finals week ended last Thursday, and to celebrate, my friends and I got drunk and went out Friday night. I am not a big drinker, but I thought that I deserved it after studying so much for my finals.
When it comes to receiving grades, I am pretty impatient as I like to have them quickly, so as I was getting my drink on, I was texting my classmate about grades. After 4 shots of Fireball (I'm a 5'3" white, Jewish girl.. Big lightweight), I'm already feeling great and drunk. I see that I get an email from one of my teachers, thanking us for a good semester.
Well, I thought this would have been my opportunity to email him back and say "why does it take you teachers so goddamn long to grade our finals. You're all a bunch of lazy asses who just skim by the school year so you can get your fat paycheck at the end of the year, that all of the students pay for.
Not cordially,
winendinen69"
Yeah, I didn't remember sending it until the next day when I'm checking my email and I see that I replied back to that teacher's email... So I blocked his email, and I'm nervously awaiting my grade for that class.
0/10, I do not recommend drunk emailing a teacher
EDIT: so I emailed the teacher and explained everything. I'm glad that he's young and super chill and he responded back with "ah I remember those days when I was younger. No worries, this won't hurt your grade"
Voyager5555: "fat paycheck"
Yup, that's what most teachers are in it for.
duff-man02: University profs are really well paid in the developed world.
Totally_Ok_Guy: Ahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaha.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
ChodoBaggins: Why is this funny? I go to a top 25 public university in the US and the average associate professor salary is over 100k
Totally_Ok_Guy: The average salary for a professor in the US is roughly 80,000 for TENURED faculty.
The average salary for an adjunct professor, which consists of most of the professors in the US, is about HALF that.
ChodoBaggins: I did preface my statement by explaining I go to a top 25 public university. In other words, a major research institution. I'm sure a lot of my professors' salary comes from research grants. At public universities, the salary of all employees is made available. I'm not making numbers up. As long as the professor is doing research, even non-tenured professors are making over 100k. Full professors are making over 150k.
Totally_Ok_Guy: Oh I believe you. You are totally right and I know that the high end of professor salaries are very high, but then again no where near high ADMIN or Coaching levels.
| 8 | 9.75 | |
1400686095 | 1400711583 | t3_264jds | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving weird porn tabs open, then minimising that to find even more tabs
**TL;DR** Was watching porn on computer, 4 tabs open behind a tab with Facebook and porn on, sister walks in, I close the first tab because of porn on that, 4 tabs behind with varying degrees of porn.
I was sitting on my bed minding my own business and my sister came into my room. I quickly realised I had some other weird tabs on the browser that was open and decided to close it down, low and behold when I closed it down there were probably 4 windows of porn with varying positions.
They were quite hard to make out what I was watching, but I am sure she knew.
After this I jumped up off my bed and left for my other room (I have 2) when I heard my sister down the hallway say 'What the fuck do you have on your computer? Gay porn?' (It was lesbian btw), then I shut my door and am not leaving for a long time.
This has happened so much and it's starting to become apparent that I need to focus on quitting porn or being more secretive.
shawndream: Eh, if the thinks more that 5% of teenaged males ARENT interested in pornography she's not paying attention.
kodemage: OP is a female.
i_pk_pjers_i: You sure about that?
http://www.reddit.com/r/cscareerquestions/comments/24jpus/would_a_software_company_employ_a_17_year_old/
kodemage: No, OP could be a liar. I didn't go digging through their comment history.
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1400684770 | 1400718642 | t3_264h8o | t5_2to41 | 55 | Celarion: TIFU by thinking I could fly on my birthday
For a few years now, I've been thoroughly enjoying hang gliding.
The day of my fuckup was bright and beautiful, with almost perfect conditions for flying. It was the last birthday of my twenties, and things were looking up! Glider on the car, I was off to the coast.
I headed down to one of the local spots and met up with my mates, who were already up in the air. The breeze was a little on the strong side - at least for me - so I waited a little while for more sedate conditions. The weather finally eased off to a more comfortable level, and I launched out onto the wind.
At this particular flying site, the launch is somewhat isolated from safe landing options. It's fine, as long as the wind stays constant until you can get within glide of the beach. If the wind does happen to switch while you're out of range of the beach, you can either turn around and ditch in the trees or land in the water.
You might assume the water is the safer place to be, but aluminium isn't all that resilient. Waves are more than strong enough to snap the frame and roll you up. Picture being the filling in a submarine sailcloth taco with steel cables holding you nice and snug.
With this in mind, I got a little height and headed for greener pastures. Along the way, I felt a few little telltale bumps on the wing. This can be nothing. They can just be little bubbles of hot air zipping past. Or, they can be little rolling waves of turbulence letting you know that the air mass below you is heading in another direction. Slowing down and milking every little dribble of lift I could, I edged my way closer to safety.
A sudden sense of weightlessness let me know that fortuna wasn't favouring me that day as I found a new light breeze blowing me back out to sea. Turning back towards the cliff face wasn't looking inviting, so I pointed my toes, sucked in my gut and eked towards soft sand, clearing the rock shelf below by a mere 30 feet.
Some turbulent bumps reminded me that the wind thought I was on the wrong side of the cliff as I made the last 50 meters to the safety of a small beach. I was so relieved to be above terra firma that I didn't notice that the sand was running out. Watching the sand be replaced by rocks, I managed to plant myself directly in some large boulders, wrenching my ankle.
A good mate of mine who'd also been surprised by the sudden change of conditions wiped the sand off his face and came to help my dumb ass back lug my glider to the landing car park a mile away. We all laughed it off, and I was kindly given a lift up to the hospital.
Where I found out that my car had been stolen from the launch car park.
And I waited 6 hours without being seen by a doctor before giving up at 2AM.
Thank fuck for my friends and family helping me out of that mess!
TL;DR Jumped off a cliff on my birthday, barely avoided drowning, mangled my ankle, car was stolen, hospital wouldn't see me.
Supajin: Ouch... that's some rocky news to hear after your fall.
Cursed_Sun: I expect OP will be far less boulder now.
dralcax: He certainly won't take things for granite anymore.
| 4 | 13.75 | |
1400687699 | 1400721540 | t3_264ly5 | t5_2to41 | 2,759 | ThrowOutTheBoss: [NSFW] TIFU by barging into my locked conference room without knocking.
So, a little bit of background first.
I'm a mid-level manager at a small-ish consulting engineering firm. Thus, I'm the "boss" for many of the electrical / computer engineers in the offices. We have several conference rooms without windows due to the proprietary nature of some of our projects. (You can't have random office visitors peeking in at a confidential presentation.)
So, today it's 0800 hours when I get into the office, and it's already starting to heat up outside. I decided to myself, "Screw this heat! Why don't I just go jogging before work rather than changing into my jogging attire (shorts and T-shirt) at 1700 hours when I leave work?" A quick check of the business calendar on my phone revealed that no meetings were scheduled in any of the conference rooms that day. Good. Nobody would need me if I went jogging until 0900 hours.
About 15 minutes later, I was heading out and started jogging around the block. The morning air was fresh and cool, and I enjoyed my hour of time off work. (I was going to make up the hour in the evening by working until 1800 hours rather than 1700 hours, so don't think I was slacking off!) Eventually, I felt exercised enough and went back inside.
I smelled sweaty man. Crap. I couldn't work in an office with eighty other people like that! Fortunately, I had a change of clothes in my car. I hurried out there, grabbed my change of clothes, and sprinted back to one of the conference rooms with no windows. No light shone from under the door, and, as mentioned before, no meetings were scheduled in the conference rooms today. The room was locked, as always, so I whipped out my keys, unlocked it, and jumped inside to change...
...but the room was already in use. One of my male electrical engineers was having full-on sex one of my female electrical engineers on the conference table. Both were completely nude (remember, no windows & locked door), and their clothes were in two piles on the floor. Not at all what I wanted to see at 0930 hours. It took me a moment of shocked gaping to tell them, "Please see me in my office after work today," and then quickly get out and go change in another conference room. I couldn't say anything more at the time since I was too shocked and was trying not to laugh.
TL;DR: Don't kick in a locked door at work or you might catch an eyeful.
Supajin: Are you going to discipline them for their actions? Just wondering.
ThrowOutTheBoss: Yes, in that I'll give them an unofficial (off-the-record) verbal warning / talking to regarding appropriate office behavior. Hopefully, I'll be able to keep a straight face through the "meeting".
Officially, naaah. It's not worth my time unless this type of thing happens repeatedly. Finding and replacing two otherwise-productive engineers is a pain in the ass. Then you have to train the new hires, get them up to speed in their new positions and contracts, etc etc etc.
drdanw: Not a good plan. You need to do something official. When something goes wrong in their relationship as is common in work place trysts, you could be named in a sexual harassment suit. You know that this is going on and did nothing official about it. COA
Jiveturtle: Totally agree. Even if you don't actually punish them, you need to document it instead of putting it off the record.
JRclarity123: Disagree, don't be a narc.
depricatedzero: Agreed, snitches get stitches
JunkieCulture: A snitch is the worst thing you can be.
depricatedzero: well, unless you're a seeker
JunkieCulture: Haha yeah I suppose then it's the best thing.
| 10 | 275.9 | |
1400677438 | 1400773271 | t3_2646qm | t5_2to41 | 7 | PixelVandalism: TIFU by breaking my Dads bed
This isn't a particularly bad tifu, but it happened just moments ago, so why not share.
So I've been living with family while I get on my feet in my dad's room at his brothers place, complicated story, my two friends and I were listening to some awesome tunes on sbs chill (tv radio station) and they were dancing on one end of the bed, I proceeded to join in. Being 6'6" and definitely not skinny, the bed proceeded to bend in half. Breaking a bowl in the process. It's one of those beds that's been in the family for many years. Much longer than my own life. Now I've got to tell him.
Tl;dr - 3 people bouncing on my bed, it snapped in half, it has sentimental value to family members.
Lehk: what part broke? if it's one of the beds with metal bars running the length you can probably just replace the bars
PixelVandalism: That is the exact part that broke
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1400688784 | 1400689735 | t3_264nr7 | t5_2to41 | 5 | ooOOHHsnap: TIFU by leaving my gun out when the house keepers are coming over
vipermanic: TOTALLY f@@king irreponsible! That's how kids find guns and shoot themselves or others. You are only allowed this ONE mistake.
ooOOHHsnap: I completely agree. Fortunately I don't keep it loaded unless I'm actually at the range, and there aren't kids in the house. The lack of thought on my behalf is really the big fuck up here. I am sitting in shame today
francis2559: Well, glad to see you [removed] the gun.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1400689226 | 1400704890 | t3_264oi9 | t5_2to41 | 52 | TTFire: TIFU by formatting my entire hard drive
So I was installing the latest version of my favorite Linux distribution, when I was presented with a choice in the installation menu to just install over the previous version of that distro. Lazy me decides to choose that option instead of partitioning the hard drive manually. I had already backed up some important files to another partition, so I thought I was safe. Little did I know that the option I chose formatted my entire hard drive. I've lost my final paper for English and my final project for my programming class. I'm royally fucked.
On the plus side, I finally had an excuse to get rid of Windows 8.
CheesecakeTruffles: Cheesecake to save the day!
You're not at all royally fucked :D
It so happens that in this case, you should have everything still on the disk. There are a variety of recovery options of varying difficulty and results!
(Disclaimer: It's possible some files are gone, but the vast majority are still there.)
My go to for basic recovery on small partitions:
[PhotoRec](http://www.cgsecurity.org/wiki/PhotoRec)
It's a command line scanner, however it's incapable of returning lost files with their original header (the free version) so you'd have to go digging around in what it finds to find your lost, important files. This is a big problem on large partitions, as it has to have space to copy the files to, and looking through thousands of files with "000100010" as the title, can be quite aggravating.
NUMBER TWO!
[FTK Imager](http://www.accessdata.com/support/product-downloads)
FTK Imager is a free version of the AcessData Forensic Toolkit. It's incredibly stripped down, however it will still allow you to identify and recover the files still left in free space on the drive.
These are the only two tools I'd recommend someone in your position try first; if you need any help please feel free to message me.
I've been in your position before, and hoooo boy does it suck. Lucky you modern technology is awesome.
TTFire: I've already used PhotoRec (running on a live CD of course). I haven't tried using the other software yet. I'll try later and tell you how it works.
funroll-loops: ZAR (Zero Assumption Recovery) works great for me.
soparamens: > Zero Assumption Recovery
Can it RAW recover files? i got an external 2TB drive formated as EXT4 and it got corrupted because of using that crappy ext4 windows driver.
funroll-loops: Yes, it should be able to. Check out [their website](http://www.z-a-recovery.com/). AFAIK, it is a full featured file carving utility that can recover data without relying on an underlying filesystem formatting scheme. Here is [additional information](http://www.z-a-recovery.com/unformat-tutorial.htm) from their site regarding recovering data from a RAW format drive and ZAR supports ext2/3/4 filesytems as well. You can test it out by downloading the trial version to see what it will be able to recover.
soparamens: thank you!
funroll-loops: You are quite welcome.
| 8 | 6.5 | |
1400690141 | 1400707378 | t3_264q2v | t5_2to41 | 43 | [deleted]: TIFU by texting an ex. xpost r/HSP
Backstory -
Met her through OKCupid - Great connection - bumpy start - lots of HSP reactions that I met head on and we overcame together - I learned how to be sensitive to her needs.
2 years of strong bonding and extreme connection go by. Monday, she breaks up with me. I googled an ex of mine to see where she was at in life - got no results - found a picture though and reversed searched it, still no results, forgot to delete the picture. I then texted her saying hi whats up - got a response - said that sucks, then no reply and the conversation ended. I have 0 feelings for her. I was literally bored one day, came across her number, and just pressed send. No feelings, no sentiment, just curious - which killed the cat.
G/f fiddling with my netbook comes across the photo - look of dread and sadness washes over her. For the next 2 hours I am 100% honest about everything and anything she asks. No meaning behind it, I forgot to delete that photo after searching, and so on. She proceeds to be thankful for my honesty, goes back to being perky and happy.
Next day she tells me as she drove home she cried all the way. I destroyed her trust and our relationship. She says I took her for granted and did not consider her feelings. Two years of that strong bond/connection broken because I wanted to see how an ex of mine was. Obligatory ~TIFU~
I have no idea how to handle this. She wants nothing more to do with me and says she locked me off of all communication. She has been deeply hurting the past few days and it breaks my heart to know I can't do anything about it. Part of it is I said I don't mind if she talked with an ex. I unconditionally trust her. She always considered us soulmates. I don't understand how she thinks I cheated on her and destroyed our relationship because I have feelings for an ex I said "Hi whats up" to.
Supajin: I don't think that's a fuckup, moreso insecurity from your current Gf
Bonechatters: Well, I knew she was a hyper sensitive person. And the manner in which she found out - finding a picture of an ex on my computer - is pretty startling.
TalShar: She's going to have to get over that hypersensitivity if she wants to have a healthy relationship. It sounds like you love her though, so I hope she sees that and comes to her senses. It sounds to me like her mind is playing some cruel tricks on her and she need someone (preferably you) to dispel those notions.
Bonechatters: In her last response to me, she revealed a series of smaller issues that built up. We had a system where we'd always tell each other about small annoyances, but she had none. I realize in fits of emotions, it is common to bring up past issues all at once and throw it around. Her mind kept these down during our happy days, and now they have all surfaced at once. I tried dispelling them, only to have return more insecurities and how I don't respect and love her and treat her feelings right.
Thanks for the kind words. It has been tough. These replies help.
TalShar: Edit at top: It sounds to me like you guys have a pretty stable, healthy framework for your relationship. My wife and I do the same thing where we talk about our issues, no matter how small. I have hope for you two.
My girlfriend (now wife) was having some issues for a while where her birth control meds were really screwing her up. She got very emotional, was very sensitive, etc. It was a time of trials for us both. It was a wave of relief when the doctor took her off those meds and she got back on something that didn't mess her up so badly.
I'm sure you've already assured your girlfriend that you'll never talk to your ex again. Seems like the logical conclusion. I don't know just how recently this all happened, but some time alone might not be a bad thing for her. Let her figure out what's going on, etc. It sounds to me like she needs to redefine what loyalty means. Specifically, that it means that you love only her, not that you talk to only her.
If I had to guess, though, she's got some underlying stuff going on. Maybe some things she's taken issue with and not brought up. Maybe something else is making her feel insecure about the relationship (might be external, having nothing to do with you). In my opinion, if she'd felt safe with you and trusted you, she wouldn't have snapped to the conclusion that you wanted to cheat on her (I am assuming that's what she snapped to) at the first tiny piece of evidence.
We as humans tend to have something like... I guess I'd call it cognitive inertia. If we feel one way about something, we tend more often than not to continue feeling that way. It usually takes a lot (most times far more than it rationally should) to dissuade us from a firmly-held belief. It's why denial is a thing. It's also why, on the flip side, when someone gets a tiny shred of evidence that their SO is cheating and believes it, they're far more likely to say "I knew it!" than "Wow, I never saw it coming." It's because they already, if only on a subconscious level, suspected it.
As far as direct advice to you... Do what any intimate relationship requires of on a daily basis. Lay yourself bare to her. Leave nothing out. Hold nothing back. She will detect any deception, even if it's done genuinely for her own good. It sounds like you've already done this. Give her time to adapt. Try again when the emotional storm has calmed somewhat.
Alternatively... And I say this with a heavy heart and a strong dose of caution, because it may very well not be the right course of action for you... I believe that in *any* dating relationship, before you've made a lifelong commitment of marriage, it is important to keep always in the back of your mind that you might not be meant to be together. That simple fact is your "eject button," your escape switch from an unhealthy relationship. It leaves an out and gives you a clear alternative to compare to. If you keep in mind that you have the option of leaving, you'll be more likely to make a clearheaded decision about whether you're better off alone than with your SO.
I stopped and reconsidered my relationship with my now-wife several times while she was suffering from the hormonal imbalance. I asked myself "If she doesn't get better, can I live with this for the rest of my life?" Each time I thought long and hard about it, and I *really* left that option on the table until the day I proposed to her. In the end I determined that A: Even if she didn't recover, I still loved her enough to put up with it and B: She was plenty strong to work through it if she didn't recover on her own once she was off the meds.
I'm not saying break up with your girlfriend. I'm saying remember that's an option and keep in mind the possibility that it might be better for you both. I don't know your entire situation so I can't say which way is better. By all means, try to power through it. Talk to her. Again, lay yourself bare. I hope she does the same. I really hope you two can reconcile this, because what's just happened with you is far from the strongest storm you'll weather if you stay together.
But in good news... people grow. They learn. They get better. Stronger. Yesterday's hurricanes become today's breezes. I hope this is a learning and strengthening experience for you both. And if it's not, then it at least will have been for you, and you'll learn to recognize signs of trouble and how to deal with them.
Godspeed, my friend.
Bonechatters: You are quite right I said I wouldn't contact her again. After seeing how it made her feel and listening to her, I deleted all contact info right there in front of her. She brought up quite a few small annoyances perhaps she felt didn't classify as a "redflag". She stuck them down and I was the breaking point.
I told her right when she asked me everything and did not stop talking until I had said everything. She did not like how nonchalant I was. I tried remaining calm and spoke clearly. I honestly was not afraid because I trusted her and I trusted she knew how deeply I was connected to her. I thought she knew I would never ever think of another woman. Two years of trust and togetherness and I wasn't given a second thought. Instead she faked her happiness, said she was fine and tanked me for talking with her. Next day - I'm dumped.
I have grown a lot with her. I hope she finds peace in the next month and I hope she can forgive me one day.
TalShar: Good luck, man. One of the most venomous lies ever whispered into my ear (by my own inner voice, no less) is that I was alone in one thing or another. You're surrounded by people who have gone through what you're going through. Don't forget that. You'll do fine. You deserve someone who is going to trust you more, and I reckon you'll find her at some point.
Bonechatters: Thanks for that. I debated whether or not to take this to the internet, and I'm not regretting my decision. I knew this was a common thing, and needed some insight from others.
| 9 | 4.777778 | |
1400688062 | 1400696720 | t3_264ml2 | t5_2to41 | 15 | FirebertNY: TIFU by wiping the tip of my penis
So I went to the bathroom at work. Took a piss at the urinal. Finish. Shake shake shake. Do the Gogurt squeeze. There's a little droplet that won't come off. Decide I'll just go into a stall and grab a sheet of toilet paper really quick. As I'm backing out of the stall and half-turned away from the door to the bathroom, my coworker walks in. So I quick position myself back in front of the urinal, wipe the tip, flush, wash my hands, and leave. No eye contact was made, no words were said, but I'm fairly certain he saw my penis. Why didn't I just stay in the stall to finish my business until I zipped up my pants? Sigh.
EDIT: Also, I have a meeting that he's gonna be in in an hour. Not looking forward to that.
busty__Y__ruckus: >Do the Gogurt squeeze
made my life
DJFlabberGhastly: I've been doing this my whole life, TIL the scientific term for it.
| 3 | 5 | |
1400691809 | 1400709771 | t3_264sy6 | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU by not replacing the empty roll of TP with a fresh one
I usually am very busy. I work early and stay late out with friends. I go to university about 30 minutes from home in the same town I work in. Basically, I come home to sleep and that's it. I also constantly forget to put the new roll of toilet paper on the hook thing all the time. This morning I forgot it again. I left the house at 8:30am and got a call from Gramma at 11:30am. She was very upset and said that by constantly leaving the new roll of TP near the sink and not on the roll I was disrespecting her. And I was horrified. I in no way do it intentionally, it just happens. It's not a big deal to me but now I feel horrible because she does so much around the house for Grandpa. I'm racked with guilt and have no idea how to make it up to her.
goinguup: Just off the top of my head: Start fucking replacing the TP.
Supajin: It literally takes like 3 seconds to do... my brother never does it and it kind of irritates me but it takes so little time that I don't really mind anymore.
AATroop: Honestly, why is it such a big deal? It's just as easy for me to use toilet paper when it's not on the roll as much as when it is. Why bother?
goinguup: Because Grandma
AATroop: Wasn't aware Supajin was a grandma.
Supajin: Now you know....
Seriously though, it just gets in the way, it can be knocked over while brushing your teeth, or water can drip on it in the process of washing hands - going to dry hands on towel.
| 7 | 4 | |
1400692579 | 1400736713 | t3_264u7x | t5_2to41 | 543 | matteressman: TIFU by Hiding in my Underwear Behind a Couch/Mattress
I was 9 at the time and a few of my father's friends were coming over. My mother informed me that I had to change out of my long johns before the guests came over. So I went to my/bro/sis' room to get some privacy and get dressed but someone was in there. I checked the bathroom someone was in there as well. I had ran out of my two options , but the guests were coming soon, so I decided to get dressed in the basement.
Ten minutes later, I had forgotten the reason I went down there and was prancing around in my underwear making action noises fighting imaginary characters. I hear footsteps coming down and the panic sets in, it was my father's friends and I was still in my underwear. Using my flawless nine year old snap judgment I hide behind a mattress resting along the wall. At the time we did not own couches, we had two mattress one on the floor and one against the wall as a makeshift couch. I slipped my scrawny body between the mattress/couch and the cinder block wall. They were close by now, I could hear maybe five voices including my brother and father. It would seem that they have not noticed the massive bulge in the couch, or they were just being courteous not bringing attention to the mattress/couch. As my luck would have it the man who decided to sit on the site of the bulge was morbidly obese, or at least that is what it felt like. My body was pressed like putty against the wall as he tried to get comfortable. Two hours later and I had assumed a contorted position at which my body was evenly sandwiched between the wall and the mattress. I lost any sense of proprioception, and had become one with the wall. It was dark, and my only connection to the world were the voices beyond the couch and the spring that occasionally dug into my side with every hearty laugh.
Another hour had passed and they decided to eat, FINALLY I could escape. Nope. They decided to eat on the floor in front of the couch/mattress. The man who had been sitting on me for the last three hours got up and I immediately started peeling off the wall from the lack of support reforming the mattress bulge. A half hour later they were about to reassume their original positions until the fat man proclaimed that there was something behind the mattress and it might be possessed. My heart dropped, I had been in hiding for three hours and it was all about to be in vain. There was discussion of who should look to see whats behind the couch, my brother hesitantly came forward and attempted to lift the mattress. I held on with all my dignity, but he was stronger and tossed the mattress to the side. I shielded my eyes from the brightness but not until I got a glimpse of the morbidly obese man, he was morbidly obese. A good 5 seconds of pure silence followed, for what seemed like an eternity as everyone was trying to rationalize the situation. There had been six people in the room the entire time and I had been hiding naked behind a couch for more than three hours. My brother puts the couch back and I continue to hide. They all burst into laughter, the situation was so surreal that I was genuinely convinced I was dreaming for the next minute and was unable to move from the insurmountable weight of shame.
jdpatric: >My brother puts the couch back and I continue to hide.
This is my home now; I live here.
Brodskin: The couch has claimed him
ChiefBigGay: He didn't choose the couch life
| 4 | 135.75 | |
1400694347 | 1400741690 | t3_264xbp | t5_2to41 | 344 | shane-jabroni: TIFU by trying to be funny
Ok so a bit of background: i volunteer with a programme that teaches people with intellectual disabilities art, drama etc. and today was the day of the 'showcase' where they would demonstrate what they learned in front of an audience of family members and friends.
So anyway everything goes off without a hitch and now it comes to the awards. My friend was presenting and every time she called a name out everyone would give a big clap and our students just loved it. They also added in an awards for volunteers... i didn't know this and was very happy to be presented with an award in front of the huge audience.
This is where things go wrong... So my name is called and i walk on stage. My friend (the presenter) told everyone to give a big clap and since i did the dance volunteering she joked that i shouldn't clap because i have no rhythm.
Ugh im cringing even writing this.. I decide that it would be funny to go along with the joke and pretend that i have no rhythm clapping and do so... by clapping but missing hands each time... The applause stopped. My friend looked at me in shock.. I had just realised what i had done. It looked like i was taking the piss out of the students. there was no explaining it so i just stopped clapping and stood in silence while i slowly died inside..
TL;DR: tried to be funny but ended up mocking a disabled person in front of an audience full of disabled people and their family.
humanagainsthumanity: I once volunteered at the Special Olympics, and a fellow volunteer was being a dick head. After a few hours of him being an asshole to all the other volunteers, I rather loudly told him to quit being a f**king retard. I am banned from the Special Olympics for life.
[deleted]: I don't understand, why participate in the special olympics if you can't keep yourself from using a slur that demeans mentally disabled people?
EatBeets: "Why did you not have the self control to not do something that you immediately regret" is kind of a really loaded question dude. What do you want him to say? Do you want him to confirm that he didn't have the self control?
[deleted]: I didn't expect everyone would go after me for asking an innocent question.
EatBeets: Sorry yeah you got a tough shake, especially defending a stance that was probably just.
It just came across as asking an obvious question and rubbing salt in the wound. If I was reading between the lines it feels like "why haven't you learned to keep your mouth shut" but I'm sure that isn't what you meant.
[deleted]: It isn't what I meant. What I meant is people with mental disabilities have enough bullying in school, in general society, at the very least the Special Olympics could make someone sign a waiver that they will face community service or some other punishment to keep people from saying the r-word at one of the few places people with mental disabilities should feel save at.
I have Asperger's Syndrome, and I know how devastating it is to think you're a part of a safe community and can relax, only to have someone remind you that you're less than human, a burden. It hurts more than it happening in everyday life. You feel you can trust no one to protect you, and that you're constantly unsafe.
EatBeets: That's not the issue. All of what you said is implied. He was sharing an instance in which he KNEW he fucked up. You asked him why he fucked up, which is not really appropriate given the way people interpreted your tone. It was an accident...how is he supposed to answer the question, do you think he did it with malicious intent? The only answers he could possibly give are "I fucked up" or "I did it on purpose". Asking rhetorical questions sometimes comes across as snobby.
[deleted]: I'm sorry...I'll try to do better next time. http://i.imgur.com/PeZme0d.jpg
EatBeets: Hey buddy, ignore the downvotes keep doing your thing. If you let people on the internet offend you you're gonna have a bad time.
[deleted]: Thanks. If people like downvoting good and kind people, that says much more about them than it does me.
EatBeets: Okay sorry you lost me again haha. Good and kind when/who/what now?
| 12 | 28.666667 | |
1400697897 | 1400699791 | t3_2653jf | t5_2to41 | 20 | Rockerfella: TIFU by sending an internal email to a client at work
This happened yesterday, but who's counting?
First, some backstory: I work as an affiliate manager. For those who don't know what that is, its essentially online advertising. We have an affiliate who has been a nightmare since day one and has some outstanding earnings from several months back. We have tried numerous times to get this guy to submit his bank details so we can pay him, but he refuses as he is wanting to avoid using his bank account. Not sure why, but seems dodgy.
So yesterday me and a few others in the team were talking about him in an internal email. Things like "This dude is absolutely shite", "fucking douchebag" and "Hes a fucking crap affiliate anyway" etcetc. Not professional, I agree, but we have a fairly relaxed work enviroment, and I guess sometimes we get a bit too comfortable. Fast forward to home time and I get an email from the same trail, this time from my manager, asking me to email this guy and request that he submits his bank details again. Parts of the email had exact lines of text that he wanted forwarding on, so in an effort to save time (and partly due to being on my phone at the time) I decide to forward the email and delete everything other than the text he sent and hit send.
A few minutes go by before I realise the monstrosity that is my error. I tried turning on airplane mode in an order to stop it mid-send, which it was obviously too late for. 95% of every obscenity we had said about this guy had just zinged its way over to him and short of bringing down gmail in a blaze of hell fury I, and every one else in my team, was fucked.
Jump forward to this morning and everyone is shitting their pants. Turns out this guy is more of a player than we first realised and could, in essence, destory a lot of our reputation simply by submitting the email to a few choice forums. We are yet to hear from him, but it is only a matter of time.
TL:DR; Douchebag client gets sent email from all of us at work confirming that he is indeed a douchebag.
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: >I get an email from the same trail, this time from my manager
I think your boss should also get partial credit for this. Your boss should know better than to forward something that was internal, berating or not, to reach out to a client.
Rockerfella: That would explain his reaction
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1400699168 | 1400716896 | t3_2655r9 | t5_2to41 | 29 | playingnice: TIFU by choosing to wear clean clothes over the dirty ones on the floor.
I had all the intentions of wearing an outfit that passed the smell test but at the last minute decided to pull some clothes out of the dryer (to get to the laundry you have to go outside) I went out naked and there was the meter reader, after awhile I went back out got dressed, thought I was looking pretty good all day because I was getting a lot of looks, just got home and realized I had panties stuck on the back of my shirt all day.
TL;DR: Strange man saw me naked, wore my underwear on my back all day.
Prepare_To_Be_Woo-ed: > passed the smell test
I did not know that girls did this too. At least they were your own *clean* panties.
superstooper: Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars
but we're all fucking digusting
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1400697283 | 1400708037 | t3_2652h6 | t5_2to41 | 31 | gigabyte898: TIFU by being unintentionally racist
At a staff meeting a coworker told us she was leaving the company this summer. Everyone was telling her she can't leave, so I thought it would be funny to say "I guess we need to keep you enslaved here!" Then I remembered she was black. I was absolutely mortified. Luckily everyone thought it was hilarious and it looked like my boss was going to piss his pants laughing.
**TL;DR:** I told a black coworker we need to keep her enslaved
twoliterdietcoke: Yes cuz black people are slaves.
mobius_striping_inc: Well they were.
You learned about the civil war in school right? Or have you not gotten that far?
jmerridew124: Soda doesn't belong in school, silly.
whelp_welp: For a second, I thought you were referencing The Outsiders, but now I realise you meant that literally.
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1400700569 | 1400701584 | t3_265875 | t5_2to41 | 2 | videosonyoutube: TIFU by taking an axe to all of my video games
Voyager5555: Is this really a fuck up? I mean, you intentionally did it and you said you needed to... I guess you could have sold them?
videosonyoutube: theres the fuck up.. I could have sold them
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1400705907 | 1400717024 | t3_265hec | t5_2to41 | 15 | throwawaypoopmachine: TIFU by trusting Reddit.
Ok, so background. I am a student, living high up in an accommodation block. Currently unwell, having the runs. Read somewhere that elevating your legs whilst having a poop can clear it all out in one go. Felt a large fart brewing, and knowing this could be dangerous decided to try this trick out. Sat on the toilet, rested my legs on the bin in front, and let loose. This was a big one. I mean, huge, explosive force one. Carrying visitors. I pretty much launch my bowels out in a shotgun blast...onto pretty much everything to the front. The toilet, my legs, the bin, the walls. Left quite a clear outline of my legs in a sort of splatter-free zone. It took a second or two to hit home, I think it was the smell that did it for me. I don't have a very good gag reflex at the best of times, but boy, this tops it. Vomit profusely in front of me, down my clothes, everywhere. Realising I need to do something quickly, I start cleaning up, vomiting bile as I do. Tear off clothes, jump in shower, scrub for a good half hour.
As I get out I realise, I have to do something about my poop and vomit covered clothing. Quickly soak them in the shower, stuff them in a carrier bag, get dressed and head to the lift to go downstairs to the washing machine. Lift doors open, full to the brim, it's finishing time at Uni. Attempt to wait for another, but people already making room, saying, "No no, it's fine, get in". Stupid me, wanting to get this over with, agree.
Lift starts to go down, notice people wrinkling noses. Fuck. Clothes still smell. People beginning to gag slightly, looking at me with disgust, I just stare at the floor, wishing I could fall through it.
TL;DR: Trusts reddit, makes poop art, lift goers don't appreciate methods.
EDIT: This did actually happen, I am not ripping off previous posts.
ASimpleMale: You must feel pretty shitty.
Dead1: The whole situation was crappy.
| 3 | 5 | |
1400707413 | 1400711821 | t3_265k0t | t5_2to41 | 9 | DaGasser41-45: TIFU by drawing a massive penis on the AP World National Exam
So on the AP World National Exam I was supposed to write 3 essays and when I got to the CCOT(Compare and Contrast Over Time) I forgot that interregional meant the same as international so to vent my frustration I just drew a dick that was half the sheet of the paper with a cum explosion out of the tip. So after the test was over I told my friends what I did and they just laughed it off and told me I was brave and I proceeded for a couple more weeks with only my friends knowing what I did. Then on Tuesday a couple of weeks later, my AP world class got on the topics of CCOT's. Then one of my friends that was in my class piped up "DaGasser41-45 drew a nice picture on the CCOT". That is when I thought Fuck this is not going to go well. It proceeded from there with classmates asking me "What did you draw on the CCOT?" and all I could muster to say from all the humiliation was "You don't want to know". It went on for the rest of the class period with more people realizing that I drew a dick on the essay. The laughter and mocking of myself went on from their and a very dissapointed look from my teacher yesterday and today.
[deleted]: AP = Artistic Penis??
DaGasser41-45: Nice joke
Real Answer: AP=Advanced Placement
[deleted]: ah, makes sense now
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1400702097 | 1400792409 | t3_265asv | t5_2to41 | 4 | dirtydanisreal: TIFU Showed up "For The Party" The Night Before The Party
So this happened a few years ago, during High School. I met this girl I liked, Lets say Emma. We met at this school Christmas Party. We really hit it off and had a great time talking. I added her on Facebook and one night got a message from her. We ended up chatting for several hours and had a blast. I get an invite through Facebook to a Christmas Party she was having at her house. I accept. Around this same time my family found my Great-Uncle dead in his basement. It was a very stressful time for all of us. I also had a bad case of pinkeye in both eyes and was unable to wear contacts and see very well, in addition to being legally blind without my glasses. So i show up at her house with a plate of cookies my mom had made to provide as an entree. I knock and her Father opens the door.
"Hello?"
"Hey how are you?"
I start to step in the door when i notice her Father reacts and puts himself blocking the entrance. He asks:
"So uh....What's going on?"
"Well, I'm here for the party."
"....What party?"
"The party tonight"
"There is no party tonight"
"Yeah, the Christmas Party."
"That is tomorrow night"
Emma's mother comes to the door in her nightgown and asks what's going on. Her father informs her of the situation. Her mother then calls for Emma and Emma asks what's going on. I look at my the Facebook Event details on my phone and see that it was indeed the following night. I apologize and leave mortified. The parents of my crush think I'm there to rail their daughter. I might as well introduced myself as "Chester The Molester". But the next night I took the Boss option, i showed up on time. Emma's mom opened the door and i said:
"I'm back, on the right night."
"Oh *laughs* Well, I'm glad you came back!"
I walk in and see her father giving me the stare of death. The party goes well and i get a big hug from Emma at the end of the night. The relationship between us didn't end well, not due to this. For a little while, i was horribly embarrassed. Now i look back at is as hilarious. I love telling the story to people. Its like a scene from American Pie. Hope you guys enjoyed my major fuck up.
TDSotM42: That's pretty funny. At least you didn't show up on the wrong night for a party that her parents weren't supposed to know about. That would have been a lot worse.
dirtydanisreal: Lol I'm here for the party. What party? The pants party!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1400710369 | 1400718269 | t3_265ox4 | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by cheating on my girlfriend
So hear me out... I was on a trip with school( Yes I am a teenager) without my girlfriend. Now this girl who I had a thing for a while back is clearly flirting with me. To be clear, this girl has never even kissed a guy... I go about my day and she is clearly hinting she wants to hook up. She gets me alone and I think with the wrong head and do my thing. We didn't have sex, but it was pretty hot and steamy. Now she wont even look at me, and then tells me it cant happen again but wont tell me why. And she basically keeps telling me to fuck off. I'm just trying to understand why she did it, if she was just going to blow me off afterwards.
fletch420man: you were tested and my friend you failed on all counts.....
[deleted]: Shit...
| 3 | 5 | |
1400714533 | 1400715693 | t3_265vhy | t5_2to41 | 3 | rov9p: TIFU by not paying enough attention to my son because he burned himself playing with matches
WWLadyDeadpool: His ambien?
rov9p: My ambien
WWLadyDeadpool: Isn't that a prescription only drug?
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1400717255 | 1400791752 | t3_265zop | t5_2to41 | 142 | [deleted]: TIFU By having explosive diarrhoea in the shower.
First of all sorry for the bad formatting, I'm on mobile so there is not much I can do.
Around two hours ago I got up to get ready for school for the day but this morning my stomach was feeling very ill, me being the idiot I am decided to proceeded to take my shower and continue on with the day.
Some time later I reach down to grab the shampoo but as I'm bending I explosively shit all over the shower wall and started to freak out. There was diarrhoea everywhere it hit with such force it splatted on the back of my legs.
Voicing my frustration I let out a loud "FUCK" which alerted my family something was wrong, not even a minute later my whole family busts in the door and I go to face them but during this manouvre I slip, split my head open and ended up face first in my shit and chunks of food that remained after the water washed some of the shit away.
So my family sees me in all my naked glory with liquid shit all over me, shampoo and blood all over the place and me sobbing to myself wishing it was a dream.
TL;DR: Had explosive diarrhoea all over myself and my family saw me naked lying in my own shit and blood.
ohlookahipster: It offends me how weak our orifices can be. You'd think the human body would be all "I got this shit contained, bro. I'll give to t-60 minutes to evacuate them or it's going to get messy."
Nope.
"OPs bending over! That's the signal, boys!"
Re4pr: the large intestine is bent to fuck, this keeps it's pressure build ups from overpowering your ass-muscle ( don't know wtf it's called in english ). Bending over straightened OP's large intestine and hence fired his lazor
ohlookahipster: I think it's called a "sphincter" if I remember.
telepaper: Anus? Sphincter? Butt-Hole? Poop Generator?
[deleted]: Leather Cheerio
| 6 | 23.666667 | |
1400704782 | 1400726148 | t3_265fg3 | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU while trying to hide my school lunch
this happened around 4 years back. it spans along 2 weeks at the most. My parents used to pack me food like apples and aloo paranthas for school and I didn't feel like eating all the home made stuff at that time. So, me, trying to act like a clever little boy, used to come back home and sneek the food inside my study table. Without giving much thought, I continually did the same act every day until, well, the food started rotting. I freaked out after 10 days when the stench became intolerable. I knew I was in for trouble big time. I postponed the cleaning process one day to another until one day I came back from school and found my dad all smiling and asking me to come into my room. Lo and behold, there's a black round ball of rotten food and tonnes of ants inside my study table. Needless to say the aforementioned incident is brought up every time I'm asked what I want for school lunch and wether it will be eaten or what not ..
TL;DR: hid my food inside a table. Didn't end well
Username__Irrelevant: Thought he was gonna make you eat it.
Cerikal: My parents totally would have made me eat it.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1400716232 | 1400728504 | t3_265y65 | t5_2to41 | 17 | Snappy111: TIFU by shooting an arrow in my neighbor's house.
Shooting arrows from a bow with my little brother. He breaks off one of the side feather things and tells me that it won't fly as well. Without thinking, I aim up high above the target to see it (in my mind not go very far) fly.
Well physics happened and it went *wwhhooooshhh* into the neighbors siding in the house. Being the 15 year old me, just coming upon responsibilities and going to be a lifeguard this summer, I had the urge to go over and tell the neighbors what happened.
Whelp, little kid still in me, because I'm a youngin, took over and made me freeze and not want to go over there from fear of being yelled at (grew up with a verbally abusive father. Out of the house now).
Very scared of being yelled at, but still had that inner courage of owning up to my fault and going over there. My mother contacted their daughter (in college). She told her dad, and I walked over, he came out, I tell him what had happened and it all goes smoothly and he just tells me to be more careful and shoot down the hill on the side of my house instead of towards houses. (common sense, amiright? stupid teen brain.)
Whelp next time I need to own up to it and prove my responsibility so I can truly become an adult and a good lifeguard.
swtinc: When I was around that age I was playing catch with my buddy in his yard on the side of his house. My young self thought it would be a WONDERFUL idea to try and throw the ball with my left hand (I'm right handed). The house was on the left side of me. The ball basically left my arm in a directly left motion with very little forward movement and went right through the window. SWEET.
Snappy111: "RIGHTEOUS!!" Haha.
How did it go after that?
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1400719992 | 1400866141 | t3_2663jy | t5_2to41 | 46 | riskytrader24: TIFU by trying to do a quick one before school
So, a bit of background: I don't actually masturbate all that often, (for the sake of not getting addicted) but every now and again I just get that sudden urge. You know those times where the experience is just better than usual ?
Anyways, so its early in the morning and I have to take my sister to school. We don't live that far from her school and she could easily walk. But that's neither here nor there. The night before I had been getting intimate with a friend of mine, and one thing led to another and I spent the night at her house. Granted, I should have been a bit more responsible over my duties, but I led bad judgement get the better of me. So early in the morning, I have to fight every extinct to stay in her bed (comfortable is the ultimate understatement) to drive my sister to her school.
I finally get home, a bit early too, but by now I'm too awake to go back to sleep. So I dive in to a guest bed with my laptop to just wait out the time. Being the observant man I am, I lose track in time because I get caught up thinking about the girl last night. One thing leads to another and I'm jacking off. This is where things take a turn for the worst. As I'm about to finish, my sister walks in on me. I tried to throw myself under a blanket, but it was too late. The look of sheer horror on her face as she stood in my doorway was not something I'll soon forget. She continued to stand there for another few second, but the followed it up with "It's time to go" then shut the door really quickly. We said nothing to each other the entire car ride there.
TL;DR Had great sex the night before, woke up to go drive my sister to school, arrived early, decided to waste time in bed by jacking off to my previous partner, sister walks in on me. Shame ensues.
Totally_Ok_Guy: I really am never going to understand why this whole masturbation thing is a big deal to anyone.
iama_shitty_person: Because our country was helped founded by people who were so stuck up that both the English and the Dutch thought they went a bit too far
Totally_Ok_Guy: I'll share this gem with you.
My brother was apparently wanking it in his room. My mom knocks on the door. My brother replies "Not now." However, he mumbled. So she just walked right in, said "What's up?" Then she hops on the bed and lies down, smiling.
My brother knows it's too late to do anything. He's coming AT THAT MOMENT, his dick slipped under his shirt covered in tissue. So he says "I was watching porn, Mom."
Her response: "Oh can I see? I wanna see!"
"No, jeez mom what the heck."
"You're really watching porn?"
"Well not anymore..."
"Next time you should speak louder."
"Ok. Did... you need anything?"
"Yeah I'm making sandwiches but I don't know if I want chips and salsa or chips and dip."
"Dip."
"Come help me make the food?"
"Ok."
"Wash your hands please."
"Get out."
iama_shitty_person: Your mom sounds awesome.
NotReallyEthicalLOL: How is that awesome? God what the fuck
Totally_Ok_Guy: What the fuck what? Why is sexuality such a freaking big deal? My mother has seen me naked. She knows what my penis looks like. She's probably seen a few in her time. She's probably sucked my Dad off hundreds of times. Good for them. How sad would I feel knowing my Dad didn't get blowjobs?
I mean we are all males and females. That's fucking biology (heh). These things don't bother me, and I take pride knowing that anyone I know can come to me with any sexual issue and just talk to me about it because they trust me so much. I'm the guy gays come out to, the guy that kids who are freaking out about not knowing what the heck sex is come to, and the guy that abuse victims come to.
I'm proud to say that.
NotReallyEthicalLOL: Good for you man, I'm just saying that trying to look at my preferred wanking material doesn't make someone awesome, it makes them creepy.
| 8 | 5.75 | |
1400719671 | 1400775839 | t3_266338 | t5_2to41 | 825 | [deleted]: NSFW TIFU by fapping
not using a throwaway because I'm shameless
I'm 15 y/o and my family (mom, dad, sister) go out for a bit to buy groceries. Me, being the horny teenager I am decide to have a quick wank but just before I was about to ejaculate, I noticed I didn't have any tissue so I just cupped in in my pants and went to clean myself up in the washroom half naked with my erect dick out. What I didn't know was that my family had come home and once I left my room they gazed at me and was speechless. I ran back in my room, cleaned myself up with a sock and it's been four hours since I've last talked to them.
Edit: my mom wants me to start going to church now and no one can look me straight in the eye anymore
Meta_Digital: Your mom wants you to go to church because you masturbated? I'm sorry you have to deal with a parent who thinks that way. Sure, what happened was awkward, but there's nothing wrong with masturbation.
hatmantop: She thinks he's jacking out the jesus
Majesticturtleman: Say you're jacking off to Jesus, then you won't have to go to church.
hatmantop: A few years ago when I went to a younglife camp, we were asked the question "would you do/say to Jesus if he were here right now?". This was asked within the cabins during the daily 'seminars' and most responses were normal, 'I would thank Jesus', 'I would hug Jesus', yadda yadda yadda. So we're sitting in a circle and we eventually get to this one kid, lets call him Willy. Willy had... interesting feelings about Jesus. So the youth leader asks Willy what he would do and this was Willy's response, straight faced, he said "Well... I don't really know what I would say, uh, I think I would probably, uh, get like a boner if Jesus were here. Like not a sex boner but like a happy boner, you know?" So, as you could assume, Willy got made fun of for basically the rest of the camp and has presently retracted his statement and claims that he would not, repeat *not*, get a hard-on if Jesus showed up.
agent8am: > redacted
*retracted
beta_particle: Uh, nope. That was the correct usage of the word redacted.
agent8am: Redacted refers to print not spoken word as inferred by the story.
| 8 | 103.125 | |
1400720197 | 1400734916 | t3_2663up | t5_2to41 | 39 | genocideslipnslide: TIFU by falling asleep
So I was on skype with my girlfriend. We've been talking for about two hours now and I want to play some games. So, naturally i said 'I'm going to play some games now.'
Her response: You're going to choose games over me?
Now...a little back story so my reaction will be understandable. I suffer from anxiety...really badly. My last relationship was full of ultimatums like this and it fucked me over. Oh well...life moves on.
Anyways, I say 'bye' and she responds 'okay'.
I get to the computer desk and I feel bad for playing games instead of talking to her. Anxiety ensues; ativan was taken. I crawled in the bed and fell asleep.
I woke up and I told her what had happened. She gets mad because I slept instead of played games.
I don't know what the fuck just happened...but I fucked up somewhere along the line.
witchling_22: No, you didn't. The guilt trip she's laying down is irrational. This is a 'you're fucked either way' game.
genocideslipnslide: Oh man, I think you hit the nail on the head. She just asked 'if you are going to get upset over little stuff like that then are you sure you need a girlfriend?'
Wat. I feel like she is going straight potato. Apparently if you have anxiety, you shouldnt be in a relationship. Who knew?
witchling_22: Dump her. She isn't ready for a relationship. Sounds like she's young and selfish. My husband has crippling social anxiety, and we've had some bumpy roads, but the anxiety hurts him. I can see it. I can't understand, or even pretend to, because I don't have it. There is a lot of give and take, and compromising that needs to be done in a relationship where one person has anxiety. If she isn't willing to do that, she isn't worth your time. Hubs uses pot to help calm his anxiety. The pot also helps with his Crohn's. Do you live in a tree friendly state?
genocideslipnslide: Just broke up.
And i wish I did. Weed helps me so much but I live in NC :(
Thanks for the comments and advice. I know you're some random stranger on the internet, but you've helped.
witchling_22: *hugs* if all else fails, there is a script called [Marinol.](http://medicalmarijuana.procon.org/view.answers.php?questionID=000089) It's weed without the high, just the calming and munchie effect. Talk to your doctor, it has off label usage for debilitating anxiety. Don't get too down. If you ever need to vent or talk, pm me. Just remember that there is someone out there for everyone. You'll find your someone.
genocideslipnslide: Thanks:3 Ehhh...I quit taking my meds after I got out of my last relationship (Prozac and lithium). I just use the Ativan when I absolutely need it. Tbh I'd rather smoke lol
witchling_22: Lol I feel ya, but this is basically resin oil in a pill.
| 8 | 4.875 | |
1400726274 | 1400767841 | t3_266cwb | t5_2to41 | 32 | SalchichonFrank: TIFU by bending down and getting fingered at work
I am a 18 year old Male working at a restauraunt as a BussBoy. So I was picking up tables next to these ladies(3 ladies), they werent half bad looking they looked bang-able. So I saw a dropped straw next to there table, and so as a good employee I went to pick it up. As I bend over to pick it up one of they ladies grabs my ass, as if she was fingering me like a chick. For some odd reason I was very sexually aroused but such a act by a woman that made me hard. Soon after I was done I stand up straight and walk to the table I was working on and get the busstub and walk off. In a few minutes my manager calls me and told me those ladies were looking for me. I went to there table with my manager and told my manager I was a big helped to them and the one that fingured me gave me a 10 dollar tip. I felt like a cheap man-whore tjats worth 10 dollars. But on the other side I got a wood and 10 bucks.
By the way I didnt tell none of co-workers nor my manager just kept it to myself so they wont make fun of me.
[deleted]: Dude, that's awesome. Happy for you. Unrelated, it drives me crazy that if the genders were reversed this would be a social nono.
Future_Jared: I don't think the genders being reversed makes it a social nono. I think it's a social nono either way. A customer doesn't ever sexually assault a busboy because nobody ever performs a sexual act without the consent of the person they're performing it on. You get permission or it's wrong.
massacreman3000: he said they were good looking, and he hit a boner. should've taken it up a level or two
Voyager5555: Sexual arousal isn't an indication of consent.
| 5 | 6.4 | |
1400729467 | 1400734479 | t3_266hgy | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating into a sock
So I thought I would go out for a good wank today and had the best orgasm ever. I finish my dirty deed into a sock with great relief.
I decide to go downstairs and get some apricot to eat because hey, who doesn't like apricot after Jackin it? I walk back upstairs and my dog has a sock in it's mouth.
I forgot to close by bedroom door. Fuck. But then I thought it may be the other sock I didn't jizz into. Nope. It was my fuckin jizz sock it had in it's mouth. So I gave my dog a treat so he would drop the sock. He fuckin ate part of the god damn sock. Fuck me.
Diarygirl: RIP OP's jizz sock.
whatwasthisthing: Pun intended?
Diarygirl: Oh, shit, no, totally unintended! Now my comment looks stupid.
whatwasthisthing: Haha, it's cool man, unintended puns are the best puns
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1400730674 | 1400795138 | t3_266izs | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my girlfriend I thought her friend was pretty
So about a month ago I was in the car with my girlfriend on our way to the mall to pick up my tux for prom. Somehow we got on the topic of whether or not I thought her friend was pretty. Me being the nice, honest, kind hearted guy I am I assumed she wouldn't want me to tell her her friend was ugly (which she's not, but she's not "hot" or anything). She says, "do you think Gabby is pretty?" And I said, "I mean she's not ugly or anything" (I thought that was a safe answer). She was going through her angry, over reactive portion of the month, did not like my answer. It's worth noting that her friend seems to think that her and I were BEST FRIENDS prior to my girlfriend and I's relationship, and is a bit to touchy with me (arm around shoulder, talking about missing me) and this is what fueled my girlfriend's rage. Saying, "so are you attracted to her?" And things of that sort. I was basically shitting out of my mouth and ended up just asking if we could drop it because it was going nowhere and that's where it ended. It gets brought up.
TLDR; told girlfriend her friend was pretty, shots fired.
Edit: she apologized later for over reacting. I don't want to give the impression that she's just an irrational, over reactive bitch. She was on her period so I willingly forgave her as she wasn't in total control of her emotions.
Voyager5555: "She was on her period so I willingly forgave her as she wasn't in total control of her emotions. "
Let's not perpetuate the idea that women are somehow wild, uncontrollable emotion bombs when they have their period.
MrsUnderwood: Agreed. I don't know how long men are going to let women get away with this stupid reason to act shitty.
Sometimes even I think I act a certain way because of that time, but who am I to be exempt from confirmation bias? Remember women: correlation =/= causation. You're probably just a bitch.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1400728484 | 1400738245 | t3_266g5b | t5_2to41 | 9 | phoebeburgh: TIFU by driving without insurance and getting caught
I lost my job six months ago and my car insurance lapsed at that time, meaning that the car's registration was also suspended. I was paranoid about what would happen if I drove for about a month afterwards, but later I realized that the cops probably didn't have an alert out for me. Well, they did. I got pulled over and immediately I knew why. Fortunately the cop was very sympathetic and told me to fight the whole thing, and that he'd put in a good word for me when I went to court because I was extremely cooperative and honest about not having the insurance. Also fortunate is that the courthouse is within walking distance of my apartment... sigh.
Diarygirl: It sounds like you got lucky and got a good cop. There are a lot more than people think. If he puts a good word in for you in court, you'll probably get off pretty easy. I know you're not working, but you should probably try to get some type of insurance before you go to court.
Best of luck to you! Are you by chance from Pittsburgh? Just guessing from your username. I only know of Pittsburgh that ends in "burgh."
ParkwayDriive: There are more good police then people think, it's just that only bad ones get attention
Diarygirl: There really are. It's so true. I've only ever had positive interactions with police, except for a DUI, which was my own damn fault.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1400733615 | 1400855839 | t3_266mvm | t5_2to41 | 93 | [deleted]: TIFU By jerking it with a condom
So for some reason last night, drunk me decided to jerk it into a condom. After I did the deed, I threw the condom on the floor and passed out partly on the bed and partly on the floor. I had to wake up early the next morning for work, which wasn't the problem.
Four hours later I wake up for work. In my still-kinda-drunk state, I decided to grab the krusty kritter and throw it into a empty paper bag. I rolled up the bag and threw it on top of the trash. That was my mistake.
I came home from work to my roommate and his gf hanging out smoking a joint in the living room. My roommate was about to go drop of some weed and needed an inconspicuous container. He looks around and sees a paper bag on top of the trash and says that will do.
My heart stopped instantly as he walked over and grabbed it, looked inside, and just dropped it. That motherfucker screamed like a girl and started laughing while saying "Why the fuck did you jerk into a condom?"
Now with his gf and him laughing outside my door, I write this. With a beat red face....They will never let me forget this.
Agent_Ozzy: Don't worry. We all do it at least once.
RegularWhiteShark: I'm a girl so obviously I can't experience it myself, but why masturbate into a condom? Guys usually tend to do their hardest to get out of wearing condoms during sex. Doesn't wearing a condom while masturbating lessen the feeling, or whatever?
Voyager5555: I'm a guy and have never done this, but I'm also not circumcised, so that may have something to do with it.
RegularWhiteShark: I'm guessing you're American? Circumcision is rare where I'm from (the UK). In fact, a friend of mine constantly had the piss taken from him because he was circumcised.
sidewayzsequence: Had the piss taken from him? What does that even mean?
RegularWhiteShark: Everyone making jokes and teasing him about it.
sidewayzsequence: Huh, interesting. Thanks
RegularWhiteShark: It's a common saying where I'm from (UK). Where are you from? :)
sidewayzsequence: O for sure. Ya I've heard it multiple times recently and was kind of unsure about the meaning. I'm from the US.
RegularWhiteShark: Awesome! It didn't occur to me that it wasn't a popular phrase abroad!
| 11 | 8.454545 | |
1400736766 | 1400766035 | t3_266qcq | t5_2to41 | 472 | Sapharodon: [Possibly NSFW] TIFU by finding my roommate's "toy" in front of her dad... and turning it on.
I'm still shuddering. It's 12:45 in the morning, several days from the incident. I'm blasting Yeezus, flicking on a fan and trying not to throw up. Part of me wants to laugh until my lungs crumble to bits, part of me wants to curl up and cringe out of existence. It's been a rough few nights.
Flashback to a few days ago. Finals were winding down on campus, and all the students on campus were packing up their shit to go home. I didn't have much to worry about as I was staying in my college town to work over the summer, but my roommate (let's call her Ashley) was moving out that day with the help of her dad. Ashley was a super nice, awesome person - Honors student, ran an indie music show on the campus radio station, involved with the area LGBT rights group, all sorts of shit - and I was more than happy to help her move her stuff out of the dorm room when the time came.
The afternoon arrived. Ashley's father walked in, said hello and started loading her stuff into boxes. Our combined packing, storing and hauling got a massive job nearly done within an hour, and we were pretty proud of ourselves. As Ashley stepped out to go to the restroom, her father and I realized there was just one last thing to do - remove her bedsheets. I clambered up into her bed and started tossing pillows and blankets onto the couch below. "Easy enough job," I thought to myself, and soon enough there was only one sheet left.
I lifted the sheet up to realize there was something tucked underneath it. Curious and horrendously naive, I picked it up and stared. What was it? Blue, about the size of an inhaler, and made of some soft plastic. What on earth was it I was looking at? Peeking around at the strange item, I realized there was a button on the bottom. Idiot that I am, I pressed it.
Now, I'm not a complete shut-in, I know what a vibrator is. I don't know why I completely blanked in that moment I pressed the button - perhaps I had thought it was an inhaler, perhaps I just thought Ashley wouldn't have such a thing, the world may never know. But the moment the thing started buzzing loudly in my hand, I knew. And like every resident idiot on this planet earth, I reacted by shouting and tossing it onto the other side of the bed - subsequently attracting the attention of Ashley's father. It was bad enough registering that I had just found my roommate's vibrator in her bed when I was simply trying to help her pack, but nothing prepared me for the question I was asked moments later.
"Hey kiddo, what's that you've found up there?"
There's a Cher song about what one would do if they could turn back time. There are a few things in history I'd try to prevent - various instances of mass genocide, national tragedies, the day I once visited iFunny - but I'm pretty sure this incident ranks up there too. The slow turn of my head when I could only answer her father with a horrified, apologetic glance, the sight of his eager smile falling into an expression of shock and embarrassment, the painful cringeworthy silence in the room only punctuated by the ongoing buzzing from the other end of Ashley's bed, it was the absolute worst. What felt like hours passed before her father asked if I could shut his daughter's "massager" off. Reluctant to touch the thing knowing where it could have been, I pushed the button yet again.
It didn't shut off.
I tried again.
It didn't shut off.
I banged it against the wall a few times.
It didn't shut off.
I heard her father utter, "Oh god I think she's coming down the hall."
IT DIDN'T FUCKING SHUT OFF.
Her father whispered loudly, "NO SHE'S REALLY COMING DOWN THE HALL KID"
IT DIDN'T FUCKING SHUT OFF DUDE WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
There was nothing I could do to make this demon vibe stop going off in my hand. I couldn't tell where the batteries were supposed to go, there was no hard-poweroff, and Ashley was quickly heading our way down the hall. In a state of panic, I found her backpack and quickly mashed her still-vibrating toy down to the absolute bottom of it. It wouldn't fix anything in the long run, but damn it, I wasn't going to be the one caught red-handed with Ashley's vibrator once she finally entered the room. I zipped the bag up and hoped like hell nobody would hear the faint buzzing coming from inside. It was all I could do.
Ashley came back to her father and myself, grinning awkwardly and trying to forget what had just happened. Everything else went smoothly - the atmosphere was tense and occasionally Ashley's father and I exchanged sympathetic glances, but the rest of the sheets were packed up quickly and soon the two were ready to leave. I bid Ashley and her father goodbye and watched as the two left the room and headed to the staircase. It mattered not to me what would happen next - my time handling her vibrator was over, along with all the cringe that came with it. Now I could just relax, sit down in the dorm room and chill. But as the two went down the hall, I heard one last remark from Ashley before I bolted back into my room and locked the door up tight.
"Hey, did I cram my phone in my bag? Lemme check it real quick, Dad, I think it's vibrating."
witchling_22: Omg I haven't laughed that hard in forever...
Sapharodon: I'm glad my suffering brought someone joy.
On a side note, I haven't spoken to her since then. Sucks because we were pretty damn good friends, but... fuck, she HAS to know. Damn, this is gonna be awkward.
witchling_22: I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to be insensitive. Maybe her dad didn't tell her he saw it and just say you freaked and stuffed it in there to hide it because it wouldn't *shutthefuckoff*.
Sapharodon: Oh no no, it's cool lol. I just... I don't know *why* it didn't register with me that it was clearly a sex toy, that I clearly shouldn't press the big silver button on the bottom, but I did. I have learned my lesson. Don't fuck with phallic shaped plastic things you find in people's beds.
witchling_22: Now wash your hands...
Sapharodon: I did. Repeatedly. ;-;
witchling_22: Poor OP.. you need a hug lol
| 8 | 59 | |
1400743011 | 1400782424 | t3_266woj | t5_2to41 | 233 | BurningLonelyTime: TIFU by Using Nail Polish Remover as a Lubricant [NSFW]
It was late, after work, and I was feeling a bit lonely and sad seeing as I had been rejected by my crush of two years today. I decided that the best way to solve my problems was to have some nice alone time with my computer. I went straight to the bathroom to grab my coconut lotion that I always use for this occasion (which has actually made it to where I get a boner every time I smell coconut, but that's a story for another time), I put some of the lotion on my hands and started going to town, but it had a way lower viscosity than normal. I didn't think twice about it and didn't even look at the bottle. Then a really cold sensation came over my penis and my hand.
That's when I realized my dire mistake.
I quickly shot a glare over to the bottle sitting beside me only to realize it was the nail polish remover that was sitting right next to where the lotion was in the bathroom. Then the burning hit me. My entire penis felt like it was on fire, and somehow the nail polish remover had made it inside my urethra. I think it's one of the most painful things I've ever felt.
Does anyone know how to get the burning to stop? It still fucking hurts.
TL;DR I accidentally jacked off with nail polish remover instead of lotion and it feels like there's a small uranium rod in my urethra
maycure: Rinse it off, dip it in water, rinse it off, dip it in milk, dip it in aloe vera, whatever feels best to dip it in.
Dip your junk.
PotatoMurderer: And in the process of looking for something that feels good to dip in, he accidentally dips it into something that would further increase his agony.
BlueLegion: Like nail polish remover?
Thassodar: Best thing to get nail polish remover out of something?
More nail polish remover.
melonfarmer123: Fight fire with fire
TheChaosController: http://i.imgur.com/NDrcRff.gif
| 7 | 33.285714 | |
1400738532 | 1400745210 | t3_266sav | t5_2to41 | 21 | brushthattongue: TIFU, by trying to take a selfie with a squirrel.
So, today I went to the Cape May Zoo, with my sister and her two year old daughter. She went to go take her to look at the tigers, while I saw this cute little squirrel nibbling at some sort of nut.
However, me being really fucking stupid, I got really close to the squirrel and snapped a photo. Well, the only photo I got was me in mid scream, and the squirrel in mid flight. The little fucker dug its teeth into my shoulder blade, and I literally ran around in circles with this little pecker brain on my back. I eventually grab it by the tail and throw it in the grass.
Tl;DR: Went in for the selfie with a squirrel, came back with a rabies shot.
tallkid1121: so... wheres the picture??
Unfocused_unbalanced: In this troll's head, but now it's in mine too, and it's pretty funny.
| 3 | 7 | |
1400744423 | 1400756638 | t3_266xx4 | t5_2to41 | 54 | [deleted]: TIFU my beard by trimming on a #1 rather than a #9.
I was going to just trim it down so it wouldn't look so scraggly. The first time I started my trimmer was dead. I plugged it in and switched it from a #9 (the highest setting) to the lowest setting (#1) so as not to damage it, just in case.
I forgot. Went to shave. Oh fuck. A two inch strip missing from my cheek. Gave up and shaved it all down.
Now I look five.
thatlazydude: I hear five year olds are all the rage with Catholics. Cheer up, OP.
cockdentures: Well I was raised as a Catholic... Yet another reason to go back to the faith?
ExParrot1337: Well, you got the username already. Just find an old priest.
| 4 | 13.5 | |
1400741674 | 1400808074 | t3_266vgx | t5_2to41 | 29 | upads: TIFU admitting my fetish
I'm sure everyone has their own fetish and mine happens to be a submissive one, it's about the R and I told my SO when we were cuddling in bed.
To summarize, role play got out of hand and I came to work with a black eye.
sigh
sameoldnigga: about the R?
lecherous_hump: Arrr, everyone knows about pirate sex, matey.
upads: Thanks man! You crack me up!
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1400733806 | 1400823998 | t3_266n3j | t5_2to41 | 5 | GerbielN: TIFU by rolling out my hip flexor
so I play a lot of sports mostly ultimate frisbee, and i recently injured my hip, more specifically, my hip flexor. apparently, this is a common injury for ultimate players, so my coach told me to take some ibuprofen, then stretch it out by using a hard ball of some kind and to put it on the floor. then i would have to put my body weight onto it right where my hip flexor was, then roll it out, however he didn't tell me how ridiculous i would look, so when i actually did it, it looked like i was humping/grinding the ground.
today i decided to roll it out; i grabbed a baseball, went upstairs to the guest room, put some headphones in and started doing my thing. since i was getting a bit bored, i started browsing 9gag in attempts to find something entertaining (i know.. i know.. i should have gone on reddit instead). everything was cool until i was loading a gif of a girl doing something stupid, then i feel a kick to my side. I look up and to my horror, it's my dad and he literally has the weirdest look on his face. he doesn't say a word to me, and just leaves the room.
tl;dr: my dad walked in on me stretching out my hip on the ground while i was looking at a picture of a girl on my phone and now he thinks i was humping the ground whilst staring at my phone
thatlazydude: Not that he was wrong.
GerbielN: that's most definitely the proudest moment of his life of being a father
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1400744581 | 1400755654 | t3_266y1m | t5_2to41 | 10 | WinonaSty: TIFU. I put a loose diamond in a shot glass so I wouldn't lose it. In retrospect, this was a poor choice for someone who no longer gets carded at the liquor store because all the cashiers recognize you.
[deleted]: what
selfcheckout: Yeah
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1400746588 | 1400780760 | t3_266zlp | t5_2to41 | 1,125 | Proawaytext: TIFUPDATE: accidental prostitute text. Prepare to be underwhelmed.
Original post: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/260lfz/tifu_by_telling_my_mother_girlfriend_and_18_year/
Sorry there hasn't been one yet, but nothing's happened. Bit of an anti climax really:
I raised it with my girlfriend by asking to talk about "those texts I sent you" and she had no idea what I was talking about. I gave a bit more detail without giving too much away and it was clear they'd never gone through.
My iPad is wifi only, and so only those people on ios received the messages, meaning the GF and mother are none the wiser.
In any case, it wasn't something I was actively hiding, it just never came up. I abhor lying and will always tell the truth if asked, So I thought fuck it and told her what I'd sent (without the gruesome details), she was nonplussed, asked a couple of expected questions and semi-jokingly told me that she would cost more. Then we ate a pizza.
So while my mom didn't receive the messages, my sister definitely did, and would have told her about them, in how much detail I don't know. I still haven't spoken to either of them but there's still a chance of a minor shitstorm.
I'll update again if any lols come out of this.
Norstic: "Being truthful" and only "telling the truth when asked" are not the same thing.
Not saying you should be truthful or not, but you should know that lying by omission is just as damaging when those lies are uncovered.
Proawaytext: I agree in principal but where do you draw the line? The question doesn't have to be direct, but when the subject has never come up, at what point do you raise it?
If you entered a relationship and had to tell, and subsequently find out EVERYTHING about your and your SO's past, where's the fun finding out about them as your relationship progresses?
Norstic: OP said he wasn't going to tell unless asked. That's different than 'reveal my sordid past when I feel comfortable with the person'. Also, if they're your girlfriend, you should feel comfortable with them. If you're not, then why are they your girlfriend?
HeroinChic1: Why would you ever bring this up? It's not good for anyone. He was single. He made a transaction with another consenting adult to engage in an activity. A financial transactiom for this is legal in many parts of the world, including some parts of America. He's biologically programmed to have an insatiable urge for this activity. There's absolutely nothing wrong with what he did but there's a high probability that his girlfriend, someone he cares about, would not see it this way. It would hurt her, him, and their future.
Norstic: Again, I didn't say whether or not he should tell her, I said that his assertion that he's not lying is invalid.
edit: to answer your question personally speaking: I would want the person I'm with to accept me for who I am and that includes my past. I think they deserve to know where I've been and where I want to go. I do not want to be with someone who doesn't accept me for who I am and keeping that hidden is in part what buries a lot relationships. Not just for the lying, but for the pretending to be someone you're not.
In short, if I can't be honest with someone, we don't have a future anyway.
HeroinChic1: So lying is *not* telling someone something--anything--from his past? If you follow that thread he's lying about that time he got detention in 6th grade. Or that pizza he ate for lunch last week.
Or is it only lying if the event is somehow deemed notable? Where is that line drawn? Your logic is f'd and you sound like you'd be loads of fun at parties.
Norstic: Thanks for the personal attack.
Regardless, I think the question here is relevance. Did you have sexual intercourse with the pizza?
Obviously this was a Big Deal Secret to OP (based on his shitting bricks that his cover was blown). That, and where he stuck his dick along with how his girlfriend might feel, makes it relevant. Do you think his girlfriend would care about his lunch? Probably not. Do you think his girlfriend would care if he got his dick sucked by a prostitute? Probably yes.
Trying to rationalize it by throwing your hands in the air and saying 'where's the line'!? is the faulty logic you're trying to find.
HeroinChic1: There's a lot of things about my life that aren't a big deal secret but that I STILL WOULDN'T WANT TO SHARE IN A GROUP CHAT WITH MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY.
"I think I have hemorrhoids" and the like.
So now your definition of lying is the failure to disclose details that are relevant to their relationship and that might piss off your girlfriend.
So if he's out with her and sees some hottie and thinks "man I would love to have sex with her" he is lying if he doesn't immediately bring it up? It is relevant to their relationship.
This is why your definition is so nonsensical. The absence of something cannot be a verb like lying.
But i'll let you have the last word here because I doubt this goes anywhere.
Norstic: Expanding your argument to include his family doesn't give it any more (or less) credence than it had before. Lying by omission is still lying. I'm not telling op to lie or not lie, but purposefully hiding something is indeed lying.
| 10 | 112.5 | |
1400745826 | 1400802071 | t3_266z1e | t5_2to41 | 17 | charharhar: TIFU by chasing a dog while it was shitting.
Ok this didn't happen today but I figured it was worth sharing. A quick background before I get to what happened. I was in college at the time living in a two story house with two other guys. One of my roommates decided to adopt a puppy after discussing with me and the other roommate. We were happy with it and we offered to help take care of the puppy, since my friend would sometimes be in class all day while we're not. We left food out and made sure the pup would go to the bathroom before we head off to class. All you need to know is that the puppy had trust issues and didn't trust anyone but his owner. He would hide under the bed and refuse to come out, making my job to feed him very difficult. He also gets scared very easily, any sudden movements I made would send him barking and running around the house in a frenzy. Oh yeah he was also not potty trained very well, so I had to make sure he would settle his business outside.
So, one sunny afternoon it was just me and that little mutt. I had an exam in about an hour so I was rushing to put food and water in his bowls. Now the hard part, getting him to follow me downstairs and outside to the "bathroom". I grabbed my notes to study while I waited for him to follow me. I opened the door to the backyard and sat on the couch to do some last minute studying. I heard little footsteps approach me so I thought "Thank god you're finally cooperating huh?" He didn't go outside though, so I lowered my notes down from my face to see what that little shit was doing. He was popping a squat right in front of me, laying out a big one while staring right in my eyes. I should've known to trust him to cooperate. I acted out of instinct and bolted up out of my seat and screamed "NO! BAD DOG!" while pointing a finger of shame at him.
Remember how any sudden movements can cause him to run around the house and bark in a frenzy? Well loud noises will do it too. So off he went. Running around the entire house. Barking. Shitting. Pissing. Everywhere. So I did what any normal person who prefers to not have their house covered in dog shit would do. I panicked. I desperately tried to make it stop by yelling "NO! BAD DOG! PLEASE STOP!" while chasing him around the house, barefoot. I eventually chased him into my roommates room and locked him in his cage.
There was shit, everywhere. To make things worse, he had diarrhea. There were no nuggets, it was just slush. Piles of slush everywhere. And it was hot as hell that day. That day I learned that heat intensifies the smell of dog shit.
I texted my friend in my class telling him to tell my teacher what had happened and that I won't be showing up. I was not about to leave all that shit unattended in my house for hours.
no_no_NO_okay: When you mentioned you were barefoot I was expecting you to have stepped into it and trailed it everywhere. You didn't do that, so you have that going for you I guess.
charharhar: I should probably mention that, while chasing him, I did almost slip and fall on a pile of his slush. If that were to happen, the situation would have gone from horrible to complete shit. Pun intended.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1400754040 | 1400810198 | t3_267593 | t5_2to41 | 30 | cdduncan: TIFU by drying off with a towel covered in fire ants. (NSFW)
This happened two days ago. I am an ESL teacher in Thailand. I live in a small studio apartment. I had just left school, and I was in my apartment, trimming my head with some clippers. I finished cutting my hair and hopped in the shower to rinse off. I get out, grab a towel, and start drying off and I looked at the wall that the towel rack is attached to. The wall was covered in tiny red fire ants, and lo and behold, so was the towel that I am using to dry myself off!!!!!
About 10 to 15 seconds later, I start feeling the little shits biting me **all** over my body. I mean everywhere. Arms, chest, shoulders, back (which was already super sunburned and itchy from snorkeling), my thighs, my ass, and yes, my dick and balls. I grabbed my second, ant-free, towel to try and rub the ants off of me, but it did next to nothing to get the ants off of me. I had to wait and feel where I was being bitten, and meticulously pluck each little fire ant off of my skin. I was literally pacing around my room, screaming, itching, and plucking fire ants of of me for twenty minutes. The balls were the worst. Every time I quit holding them, I would feel a new ant biting down there. I even found a fucking ant under my foreskin! Don't ask me how the hell it got there.
Now, two days later, I have little red spots all over my arms, thighs, and private parts. They itch like crazy! I have bites all over my shaft and sack, and those are just nearly impossible to effectively scratch. As if the story couldn't get any worse, I had bought some Tiger Balm for the bites. It felt good when I used it on the bites on my arms, so I got the bright idea to put it on my shaft and sack. Twenty seconds later, My balls and shaft no longer itch, but they are burning like crazy! Anyway, the moral of the story is, fucking inspect your towel before you use it to dry off!
TL;DR: Grabbed a towel that was covered in fire ants, dried off and got bit all over the privates by ants. Put tiger balm on the bites on my privates, and that only introduced a new type of pain.
Celarion: Now you are a man, son.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paraponera_clavata#Initiation_rites
autowikibot: #####&#009;
######&#009;
####&#009;
Section 3. [**Initiation rites**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paraponera_clavata#Initiation_rites) of article [**Paraponera clavata**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paraponera%20clavata): [](#sfw)
---
>The [Satere-Mawe](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satere-Mawe) people of [Brazil](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brazil) use intentional bullet ant stings as part of their [initiation rites](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Initiation_rite) to become a warrior. The ants are first rendered unconscious by submerging them in a natural sedative, and then hundreds of them are woven into a glove made of leaves (which resembles a large oven mitt), [stingers](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stinger_(organ\)) facing inward. When the ants regain consciousness, a boy slips the glove onto his hand. The goal of this initiation rite is to keep the glove on for a full 10 minutes. When finished, the boy's hand and part of his arm are temporarily [paralyzed](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paralyzed) because of the ant venom, and he may shake uncontrollably for days. The only "protection" provided is a coating of charcoal on the hands, supposedly to confuse the ants and inhibit their stinging. To fully complete the initiation, however, the boys must go through the ordeal a total of 20 times over the course of several months or even years.
>
---
^Interesting: [^Poneratoxin](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poneratoxin) ^| [^Ant](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ant) ^| [^Paraponera](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paraponera) ^| [^Dinoponera](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dinoponera)
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| 3 | 10 | |
1400755338 | 1400758145 | t3_2676ai | t5_2to41 | 58 | throwthetifu: TIFU By getting drunk and hiring an "escort."..... That was the wrong escort.
Well, I don't know where to start with back story but I guess where things start to mesh with the title is the best place.
I work at a well known privately owned restaurant in the city that I live in.
I'm the exec chef, (25 years old) and the GM is a 24 YO female.
I'm not an unattractive guy, and I've never had issues getting laid, but! My ex and I decided to part ways about a month ago. (she fucked a dude and a mutual friend told me)
Cue drunk ass me. I go to our cities backpage listings online, only looking for some call girl to hang out with my sad ass. I send one email, get a phone number to call and an email that says "$100, I'll talk and fuck."
I'm drunk, I accept and 30 minutes later, my bosses 20 year old sister, who I've spent time with and is a server where I work is at my goddamn door.
(I paid the $100 and got much more than I paid for)
But now, I work in 6 hours and this should be fun!
throwthetifu: Ah, the fucked up portion! I'm sleeping with the GM. I'm still a bit tipsy and I figured I forgot something.
TL:DR Got drunk, fucked my girlfriend/boss's sister for money
Guinness2702: > I'm sleeping with the GM.
TYFU by missing a crucial piece of information from your story.
| 3 | 19.333333 | |
1400758345 | 1401223762 | t3_2678ux | t5_2to41 | 238 | littledude565: TIFU by accidentally taking a sleeping pill before an exam
So, I was sitting at my desk reading through some notes and thought I better take my hay fever tablets which are usually right beside me. It wasn't until I remembered well after taking the pill that I put them in my bag the other day ... so I looked down and it turns out, what I took was actually some sleeping tablets I had laying around from the night before. My exam is in a couple of hours. I fucked up.
Will update.
Update: I managed to make it through the exam somehow. Towards the end I started writing in bullet points, lucidly. It was pretty weird. I fell asleep on the bus home and rode it alllll the way around its route.
And to those of you who suggested puking it up. I am not a smart man.
oopdatyou: No more tears, only dreams.
ShhhNoTearsJustDream: That is my line :(
LesEnfantsTerribles: Shhhhhhh
| 4 | 59.5 |
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