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1400449778 | 1400456338 | t3_25w4lh | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by smoking marijuana the previous night.
This happened last night, but I'll post it anyways.
So I decided to transfer to the university in my hometown because it's much cheaper for me to attend and has a better program for actuarial students like myself. Near the end of the Spring semester from my other school, I had told my father that I was going to transfer back home and he was very excited that I decided to do so. In addition to that, he also told me that he could get me a job with the county's tourism department through connections.
So I finally get home and immediately start my primary job as a laborer for a landscaping company(I also got this one through my best friend's dad). After receiving my first paycheck of $340 for the first week(that's pretty damn good in my opinion), my other friend invited me over to his house.
Long story short: we smoked a bowl of marijuana. While I was high, I realized that the job orientation is on June 2nd and because it is a county job, I will most likely be drug tested. I lost this opportunity for another summer job. I'm such a dumbass but I really needed a kick in the ass to stop smoking marijuana. I will use this as a harsh learning experience to prepare myself for the future.
Now I just need a legitimate excuse as for why I *can't* take the job. I can't be honest with them or they'll freak the fuck out, and I don't want to use somebody else's piss to cover my ass 'cause I needed this failure. Any suggestions?
Ocora: If you only smoked once in the past month, then you can get it out of your system in less than a week. The shortest is three days. I have a cousin that smokes religiously all day, everyday. He got a job interview, and 1 week later he was drug tested and passed it. Lots of water is all you need. Have another friend that did it in three days. Just drink lots of water. You'll be just fine. Take the job.
[deleted]: I just got out of school on the 9th of May and throughout this entire Spring semester, I was a frequent marijuana user(I once smoked every single day for a week). Ever since I have been back in town, I only smoked twice. Do I still have a chance?
Ocora: I'm pretty sure you do. My friend (who used to be a dealer) said all the time that the whole 30 day thing was bullshit. He said before he started at Walmart, he quit smoking for a week before the drugtest. He smoked, and still smokes, several times a day. You've got two weeks. One question though, are you fat?
[deleted]: I'm kind of average weight for my size(5'9", 153 pounds). Right now, I'm drinking water like Hell.
Ocora: yeah, then you're set. Someone who's really overweight will have a hard time since THC gets stored in fat. But if you're as thin as you say, then you should be just fine. The only thing that could screw you now is if they did a blood test, which I highly doubt.
| 6 | 0.5 | |
1400449789 | 1400459076 | t3_25w4mb | t5_2to41 | 49 | [deleted]: TIFU by waking up and immediately sneezing violently, thus slipping a disc in my back.
As soon as I opened my eyes this morning I immediately had to sneeze (which is probably what woke me up in the first place), so I sneezed really hard and I immediately felt a shot of pain in the middle of my back like I'd been stabbed. Turns out I have a prolapsed or more commonly known as "slipped" disc (read more about it here: http://www.patient.co.uk/health/Prolapsed-Disc-(Slipped-Disc).htm). What a way to start off the day; fucking myself over before I even sit up in bed. Good thing I didn't have any plans today, since now I'll be confined to the couch and trying to keep from injuring anything else. I've tried getting up and moving around because the worst thing you can do is sit and let your back tense up, but I can't stand up or move without pain that's intense enough to make me have to lay back down and take pressure off my back. It's a shame this happened but there was literally nothing I could do to prevent it because it was just natural instinct to sneeze and I had little control over what my body did since I woke up 3 seconds prior. Shit happens, I guess!
BasedJoey_: Call up the Chiropractor and score some vicodin.
esearcher: I didn't know Chiropractors could prescribe controlled substances ( actually, I didn't know they could prescribe any med at all)
BasedJoey_: Not sure actually. I noticed a bottle of Vicodin in my brother's house prescribed to him, dated for a few days ago, and he saw a chiropractor a week before. I don't think he went to a regular doctor.
Not sure though. Might wanna Google it.
If not, just go to regular doctor and try to score some Vicodin (if you complain enough, doc might even give you some oxycodone if you're lucky ;) )
sidewayzsequence: More importantly a chriopractor for a freshly slipped disk sounds like a bad idea.
BasedJoey_: Don't they work on backs n shit?
sidewayzsequence: They do, but with certain injuries and disk problems, yanking and twisting can make it a lot worse. I have 3 bulging disks and when my backs gone out doing anything other than laying flat and elevating your feet isn't a good idea.
| 7 | 7 | |
1400455804 | 1400539948 | t3_25wd5r | t5_2to41 | 79 | nyle9009: TIFU by being nice and trying to give a little boy my extra carnival tickets
Wow. This just happened like thirty minutes ago and I still cant believe it happen. So I'm with a couple of friends (We're high school students) at a local carnival. Its a big carnival my school throws every year to raise money for the church and the school and so i ended up volunteering 4 hours yesterday and 2 hours today. It was getting late and I had dropped my all ticket but 4 which weren't much and I wanted to go home anyway. Tickets are expensive so instead of me throwing them out I offered them to a little boy in who was in line. This boy was about 9-10 and when I offered him the extra tickets he just stared at me and that's when his mother swoops in (Remember I didn't touch this kid or harass him for anything at any point).
Crazy Mother: Excuse me! What are you doing to my son? Are you bothering him!?
Me: Oh no. I was just offering him my left over tickets.
Crazy Mother: MMMMMHHMMMM. No you defiantly were not givin' him no tickets. YOU WERE BOTHERIN' HIM.
Well leave em' alone!! Pick on someone your own size!
Me: I had no intention of bothering him...
Crazy Mother: You can call me a b*tch or whatever you want but leave mah son ALONE!!! I don't wanna see you near him again. You hear me?!
After that she walks away and pushes her little child back in line. After thinking it was over about 5 minutes later the cop comes up to me from behind and pulls me aside. I explained to him that it was a misunderstanding and that I mean't not harm to the little boy. I'm not a trouble person and I don't cause trouble. He basically told me that she had overreacted and that I should stay away from her kid. This is what I get for being nice...
TL;DR: Tried offering a little kid left over tickets but got harassed by his crazy mother instead
PretentiousQuote: Was she black? Because I definitely read that in a sassy black woman voice.
nyle9009: I didn't want to be racist but yes...
Fly_Eagles_Fly11: Interesting most black people love free shit
Mckee92: Most people love free shit...
| 5 | 15.8 | |
1400454266 | 1400490387 | t3_25wb2j | t5_2to41 | 22 | ItsDeichmann: TIFU borrowing my friend's mother's phone that had cloudsaving (pretty lengthy).
I've been using a really old phone for ages and finally I got to borrow a new phone from my friend's mother. I was in ecstacy; it was a joyous experience for me. Anyway, I wasn't smart enough to do a factory reset and all that bogus, as my experience with smartphones was down to almost nothing.
I have a pretty twisted sense of humor, so one day I decided to send my SO some funny pictures. I put some smarties on my nipples, took a picture and sent them to her. Of course, they would be saved on my phone. It was a fun thing to do (we had a blast). This went on, with other pictures in the same genre, the one more hilarious than the other. What I didn't know, was that my phone had an automatic cloudsaving Dropbox account on it. Yes, my friend's mother saw them all and today my buddy helped me remove the heavy chain that was the link from my (her borrowed) phone to her dropbox.
**EDIT:** I didn't know ANY of this cloudsaving before today.
TL;DR - I took a bunch of humurous and really awkward pictures of myself and they got sent to an unfortunate mother.
AutocracyWhatWon: At least you weren't swapping sausage pics for fun bags?
ItsDeichmann: I wasn't actually. I'm so glad I didn't legit do anything really rodwy. It wouldn't have been able to visit my friends house again.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1400456599 | 1400466570 | t3_25we8f | t5_2to41 | 5 | BulgarianWakeUp: TIFU by getting woken up Bulgarian Style.
So I've been backpacking through Europe for a week and I needed a midpoint destination between Italy and Germany. My travel buddy and I decided to head to Ljubljana (LUBE-LEE-ANNA), Slovenia (?). I'm drunk right now. We booked a bus from Florence to Slovenia for 10€ and hopped on in hopes of finally getting a good nights sleep after having my cell phone and wallet stolen the night before and spending it in the Italian Police Station.
We get on the bus around 12 PM and it's empty. We make a stop in Bologna, Italy to pick up a couple hot chicks. I get an instant boner imagining having sex in the back of that bus. The girls hop on the bus and I try to be cool and go sleep in the back of the bus in the second driver's improvised bed like I don't give a fuck that they're on the bus with us.
30 seconds later I'm having this wet dream about those two girls just blowing me in a field with leuprechauns running around and harvesting gold coins from the end of a rainbow.
Next thing I know the guy that checked our tickets is FUCKING me up. Like, not a regular beatup, just a full blown kicking of my ass. He starts shouting some slavic gibberish and giving me those slaps in the side of my heads like his mother was getting raped by 8 mexican midgets.
So 5 minutes after the driver stops the bus and drops me off in this italian countryside and I don't have my phone, my wallet or any form of identification.
I'm basically homeless.
TIFU by getting woken up Bulgarian style.
Stiffed_: Be thankful it wasn't greek style
ACreepyThrowaway: Fitting username
jarbar113: thats... its a... gah, im not going to bother
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1400448791 | 1400535661 | t3_25w35k | t5_2to41 | 10 | XxEppulJecksxX: TIFU by drinking piss
It was the weekend, and a annoying friend of my brother and I was wanting to come since we live close together and we were in no mood to hangout. My brother faked drunk by peeing into a empty tequila bottle to try and make the friend go away. The piss looked exactly like tequila and it looked like my brother drank alot. I wanted to try some so while he was just sitting i took a big gulp... Ive been trying to wash the taste out for hours
TL;DR Brother filled a bottle of tequila with piss to avoid someone, i drank it
sidewayzsequence: This story leaves many questions unanswered
XxEppulJecksxX: fixed sorry missed a part
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1400454248 | 1400459687 | t3_25wb1n | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by not registering for NSO on time.
domesticadventures: NSO?
ChainsawFreeFall: Netherlands Space Office,
source = http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NSO
autowikibot: #####	
######	
####	
[**NSO**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NSO): [](#sfw)
---
>
>__NSO__ or __Nso__ may refer to:
>
>* [Netherlands Space Office](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Netherlands_Space_Office)
>* [National Statistics Office (Philippines)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Statistics_Office_(Philippines\))
>* *[Nationale SIGINT Organisatie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nationale_SIGINT_Organisatie)* ([SIGINT](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SIGINT) government agency of the [Netherlands](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Netherlands))
>* [National Safeman's Organization](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Safeman%27s_Organization): a U.S.A.-based organization of professional safecrackers
>* [National Solar Observatory](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Solar_Observatory), U.S.A.
>* [Nigerian Security Organization](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nigerian_Security_Organization), Nigerian state security forces, 1976-1985
>* [National Sports Organisation (India)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Sports_Organisation_(India\))
>* Nevada Site Office
>* [Northern Sotho language](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Northern_Sotho_language), from its ISO 639-2 language code
>* [Nso people](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nso_people), a people of the Grasslands region in the Northwest Province of Cameroon
>
>* [Nso language](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nso_language)
>* [Non-qualified stock options](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-qualified_stock_option)
>* National Scout Organization under the [World Organization of the Scout Movement](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_Organization_of_the_Scout_Movement)
>* Nursing Students of Ontario, an interest group of the [Registered Association of Ontario](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/RNAO)
>* Relating to the Canadian Government / Canadian Forces - Northern Sovereignty Operations (NSO) - See [Canadian Rangers](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canadian_Rangers)
>* [Non-Skating Official](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roller_derby#Non-skating_officials_.28NSOs.29), statistician position in roller derby
>* North Side Oakland (NSO) Northern part of Oakland, California
>Any orchestra with the title "[National Symphony Orchestra](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Symphony_Orchestra_(disambiguation\))," namely:
>
>* [National Symphony Orchestra (Taiwan)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Symphony_Orchestra_(Taiwan\)), founded 1986
>* [National Symphony Orchestra (United States)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Symphony_Orchestra_(United_States\)), founded 1931
>* [Iraqi National Symphony Orchestra](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iraqi_National_Symphony_Orchestra), founded 1970, which can trace its origins back to 1948
>* [National Symphony Orchestra Ghana](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Symphony_Orchestra_Ghana), founded 1959
>
---
^Interesting: [^National ^Symphony ^Orchestra](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Symphony_Orchestra) ^| [^National ^Statistics ^Office ^\(Philippines)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Statistics_Office_\(Philippines\)) ^| [^Nso ^people](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nso_people) ^| [^Northern ^Sotho ^language](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Northern_Sotho_language)
^Parent ^commenter ^can [^toggle ^NSFW](http://www.np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=autowikibot&subject=AutoWikibot NSFW toggle&message=%2Btoggle-nsfw+chldver) ^or[](#or) [^delete](http://www.np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=autowikibot&subject=AutoWikibot Deletion&message=%2Bdelete+chldver)^. ^Will ^also ^delete ^on ^comment ^score ^of ^-1 ^or ^less. ^| [^(FAQs)](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/wiki/index) ^| [^Mods](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/comments/1x013o/for_moderators_switches_commands_and_css/) ^| [^Magic ^Words](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/comments/1ux484/ask_wikibot/)
| 4 | 1 | |
1400462998 | 1400511244 | t3_25wmv5 | t5_2to41 | 1,908 | BreatheR-: TIFU by rolling over on my morning wood.
I rolled over on my morning wood. This was greeted by a loud pop followed by extreme pain that lasted for about 15 minutes. After the pain subsided, it began to swell....and swell...I decided that since I was not having any problems urinating, and it no longer hurt, I would go to work and see how it was when I got back home.
So I get back home and my Slim Jim isn't doing too well. The base of the shaft has swollen to the size of plum and the blood was starting to move towards my Lieutenant Dangles. So I decided to go to the ER.
Anyway, the doctors called a urologist, the urologist said "Don't let him leave, I'm on my way", and I end up having a "penile exploration" done (Not my term). So now I have stitches all the way around my junk.
tl;dr I broke my dick.
Edit:
Before: http://imgur.com/Nh9BnQ5 NSFW...
After: http://imgur.com/GiIyv12 Also NSFW...
Edit 2: Ok so I really fucked up because it turns out I don't have insurance. I thought I had it through the college, I do not. Hello 50k bill. This TIFU is really getting out of hand...
Edit 3: I lost my drivers license :(
Rightmeow9: Glad I have a vagina!
CrazieMexican: What would be the equivalent of this on a female?
CatzPwn: Vaginal prolapse.
LordBiscuits: Word to the wise kids, don't Google this at work!
smoike: For the lazy prolapse =" something that is supposed to be an inny becoming an outy ".
No thank you.
CatzPwn: It's even more fun when you realize this happens to men too, just a different hole!
smoike: Yup. And you've just doubled the uncomfortable from "ick" to something else altogether as that is something that can happen to anyone.
CatzPwn: I know! Isn't it great? I kinda have a sick sense of humor and have seen/heard of so much shit on reddit that very little affects me anymore. I mean after watching this [gif](http://i.imgur.com/iewQQ58.gif) (NSFW) I found on a front page link last week I feel mostly dead inside. As an advanced apology I offer you this [kitty](http://i.imgur.com/WB0uSFc.gif?1).
smoike: Yeah, I need some sand in my eyes now. It's seeing that kind of thing along with gore (one guy one cup f'rinstance, or explosive amputations, etc) that make you think maybe you should unsubscribe from half the internet for a while.
SteveyMack: Based on this, I think I'll pass on the gif, but I certainly take a kitty.
smoike: Take the phrase for someone being a whiner "having a sandy vagina" and be literal about it, and there you go.
So yeah, my life could have continued without seeing that.
| 12 | 159 | |
1400462743 | 1400472410 | t3_25wmjn | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by not citing my sources correctly on the AP world history DBQ AP test last thursday.
As I was cleaning my room up today, I stumbled across a few in class DBQ's. I was looking through them and realized that I had cited them differently than I remembered during the AP test. For example, on the AP test, I had cited them as (Doc #8), but here, I read my citations as (Doc. 8). I just realized that I might have just wasted all my expanded core points and some common core points. Well there goes my 5.
TL;DR: I didn't cite my sources correctly on the DBQ portion of the AP World History test, thus sacrificing all my expanded core points and some common core points.
PretentiousQuote: Relax, you're fine.
Also curious, was this your first AP test?
alleypro: yeah it was my first ap test. however, next year i am taking five ap courses. D^a^m^n ^i^t
FatWhiteGuy49: I just got done taking five AP exams over the past couple of weeks. You'll be alright, just as long as you manage your time wisely. When you're getting into that many advanced classes, how well you manage your time is a big component in how well you will eventually do. Good luck!
And on your TIFU, I'm fairly certain that citation is correct. You still showed that it was x document.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1400465569 | 1400471020 | t3_25wncf | t5_2to41 | 17 | Payjamas: Well the person who the phone's name is under (my mom) can access all of the data my phone has used not on WiFi. So all she has to do is just go to the store and pick up the sheet of all my data.
Which she does. Weekly.
NeetSnoh: Who do you have for phone service? I'm pretty sure this is impossible because it's not that closely monitored. I don't know of any carrier in the US that offers service like this. It will show how much you've used but not what you've used it for.
Payjamas: C-spire. In the south with small amount of customers they can do a lot.
NeetSnoh: I've heard of them but this seems kinda far fetched. A list of links that you visit via mobile data would would probably end up being several hundred or thousand pages long. Have you ever seen these "reports"
Payjamas: No. not personally. So the only person who probably saw my horrible mistake was my carrier. Yay.
That also means that my mom has been lying to me for more than a year.
NeetSnoh: The carrier doesn't even give a shit. That usage isn't usually logged.
This is your introduction to "bitches be crazy". She was most certainly lying to you. What her motive may be is unknown.
Payjamas: Probably to prevent me from spanking it.
Since cranking it is so severely frowned upon but dating a cousin is A-okay.
Source: 2 of my cousins are dating each other.
NeetSnoh: Ah the good 'ol south. Funnily enough southerners watch the most porn, and the most gay porn.
Payjamas: Yay! We're number one in something other than teen pregnancy.
| 9 | 1.888889 | |
1400463599 | 1400533648 | t3_25wnol | t5_2to41 | 56 | H2O-Water-H2O: TIFU: Using a stapler
Okay so today I was at work. I work in a department store as a cashier so I get a LOT time to just standing around and do nothing. So today I was doing nothing and I saw a stapler so I grabbed it and started playing around with it and looking at it closely and figured out everything I could about it. So I pushed the top down a little and saw the staple poke out a little and then go back up so I put my finger in the middle and pushed a little bit, it wasn't sharp so I kept my finger there and started to look around and make sure a manager wasn't around. There wasn't and my coworker looked over at me and said to be careful, I laughed at him like you're telling me to be careful, it's a stapler.... Well, a minute later I was bored and I had my finger in the middle of where the staple comes out and I'm just softly pressing it up and down and feeling the slight poke from the edges of the staple. Then my foot cramps a little bit and I shift my weight on to my hand that I have the stapler in and I push down all the way and the staple goes through the sides of my thumb and pointer finger and I scream. My coworker just sits back laughing as I'm pulling this staple out of my fingers.
TL;DR: I stapled my fingers together
Brandonione: How does one staple their fingers together?
H2O-Water-H2O: Surprisingly it didn't hurt going in pulling out hurt a lot more and today it's really sore.
Pigeoncow: Fnarr fnarr...
| 4 | 14 | |
1400468041 | 1400552690 | t3_25wtpn | t5_2to41 | 4 | throwawaytif: TIFU from an acid flashback/panic attack.
Warning, this is going to be quite long.
Hello /r/TIFU, Today I fucked up. I'm 17 years old, and I recently got a job at McDonalds. This friday me and a few friends did LSD, it was a blissful experience even though I only took 1 tab, it was extremely strong. I only got a few hours of sleep and had to work 8 hours Sat and Sunday so in hindsight it probably was irresponsible to drop that late into the day, but I digress.
Saturday went fine, and I started learning Table, which is where assemble the "food". (I've only been working for a week but I've been learning very fast. Usually you don't learn table for a few months). After working 8 hours I fell asleep as soon as I got home.
This morning I slept in quite late, and went to work at 2pm. However, to get me through the day I took some adderall, 40mg to be precise. It is probably a good time to say that I have absolutely no tolerance for adderall. I've done adderal a few times before for finals but I don't use it often because of risk of addiction. The only reason I had it was because my friend wanted to do LSD with me but he didn't have enough money so he paid partly in adderall. I took 2 10mgs at 2pm, then another 2 at 5.
At around 7:30 I started noticing patters and the walls started breathing. Up until this point I didn't believe in LSD flashbacks. Logically they shouldn't happen. LSD is out of your system 12-14 hours after ingestion, and the myth that LSD is stored in your spine has been proven untrue. So I just assumed people who claimed to have acid flashbacks just had severe HPPD (Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder), which is caused by taking LSD or other psychedelics frequently or in large doses (its not serious and is temporary, and is minor in nature and usually unnoticeable). However what I had was definitely an acid flashback (I'm still experiencing it right now.) It wasn't particularly intense - it felt similar to the effects you have 10-12 hours after taking LSD where you don't have the euphoric high just minor visuals and colors. It was very cool at first because we were extremely slow so I could stand there and watch the walls dance.
At 9:00 (7 hours into my shift), the two people working with me (one newer than me doing grill and one who has been here a long time and was helping me with table) left, and I was all alone at table and grill. About 20 minutes later we had a small rush and people were ordering things that I wasn't too familiar with making. I became overwhelmed and since I was coming down off the adderall I was jittery and not thinking clearly, due partly to the fact that I was extremely tired. We completely ran out of McChickens when we had a few ordered so I had to go make some. However, there were no frozen mcchickens left so I had to go into the freezer and grab them. Once I started making them my manager (who other workers refer to as the asshole manager behind his back) comes up to me with a McChicken sandwich and says "Do you see anything wrong with this?" and opens it up and shows it to me. I didn't notice at first until he says slowly "You forgot the McChicken...." and gives me a look like I'm fucking retarded. I apologize and when the chicken was done I remade it. Anyway, apparently I also fucked up another sandwich which I wasn't familiar with and really should of asked someone but everyone was busy. I realized that I was having a minor panic attack at this point, and usually if I wasn't at work I would lay down and it would be not problem, but I still had another 25 minutes to work.
At this point he sends another worker over to help me remake the ones that I messed up on. She tells me to go grab cheddar from the walk-in refrigerator. I go, glad to have a quick moment to myself. When I got there, I was looking around but there was no cheddar cheese. I looked around thoroughly because I did not want to fuck up. However, I could not find it, so I went back and told her that there wasn't any in there. At this point the manager comes over and opens up a different fridge and pulls out a block of cheddar cheese and again looks at me like I'm an idiot. I wanted to tell him that it wasn't my fault and that she told me to go to the walk-in cooler but I didn't want to try to put this on her because she is kind and was understanding that I was having a rough time.
Anyway, I ended up making a few more stupid mistakes before my replacement showed up and I got the hell out of there. I doubt anybody will read this in its entirety, but I just needed to get this off my chest.
ayyy_lmao_damn_man: That doesn't sound like a flashback at all. That sounds like a run-of-the-mill panic attack induced by a substantial dose of Adderall (for someone without a tolerance) and sleep deprivation.
Protip: I developed a severe and long-lasting anxiety disorder after a similar experience with stimulants when I was around 18. If you feel anxious at all in the coming days or weeks, very consciously address any anxious thoughts you may have and realize that they are likely the result of an amygdala that is still a little out of whack. Don't give any irrational thoughts any credence, or they might snowball and gain power over your rationality. Judging from your post title, worry about permanent symptoms from your acid experience might be the irrational thought that your anxiety will cling to. That'll probably only happen if you're genetically predisposed to anxiety disorders, but if you had a panic attack from this experience, that's a real possibility. Kill pointless thoughts like those before they gain any power over your sanity. Hopefully you're not prone to anxiety like I was, and it was a waste of time to type this up.
throwawaytif: It was an acid flashback but then after I first fucked up it triggered an adderall induced panic attack.
ayyy_lmao_damn_man: Well it was probably residual effects from the acid, but I hope you considered the latter half of my post. It was well-meaning.
| 4 | 1 | |
1400463944 | 1400471528 | t3_25wo66 | t5_2to41 | 117 | Herpinder: TIFU by letting a dog eat shit.
This happened to a close friend of mine that I worked with at the doggy day care. Client's would leave their dogs at the daycare while they went to work, much like an ordinary daycare.
As many of you know, some dogs are notorious for eating other dog's shit, especially golden retrievers. Well, we had a golden retriever named Marley, and this dog, ate shit like nobody's business. Because of this, we would let Marley out only after all the other dogs were let out, so we could clean up all the shit first. However, today, we made a grave grave error and allowed Marley out with all the other dogs. Unfortunately, we had another dog, named Barley (I am not making these names up), that was having some bad doggie diarrhea. Marley, without an ounce of hesitation, went over to Barley mid-poop, and sure enough, gobbled up every ounce of that diarrhea poop.
Fast forward an hour, Marley jumps on my friend and starts making these full body motions like a demon was going to escape from her mouth. Sure enough, she vomited this mixture of diarrhea and puke all over the place. Lucky enough, my friend was able to move her out of the way and escape most of the splash zone. Once Marley was done and my friend thought the danger was over, she went over to check on Marley. Everything seemed well until Marley decided to sneeze. However, unlike last time, this incident came without warning and there was no time for evasion. The sneeze containing this vomit/diarrhea concoction covered her face, leaving her to gag all the way to the bathroom as I tried to stop myself from peeing from laughing too hard.
tl;dr - Accidently allowed shit-eating dog to go out with other dogs while they shit. Dog ate diarrhea poop and sneezed it all over friends face.
IamKitten: Totally thought this was the neighbour from the one redditors story of the neighbours dog shitting on his lawn. From personal experience, the dog should be fine :)
pootks: That bacon grease trick sounds hilarious too
IamKitten: Mix these two stories together and you get Mr. Chunks from Futurama
| 4 | 29.25 | |
1400469080 | 1401854343 | t3_25wv1o | t5_2to41 | 743 | tragicmalfeasance: TIFU by having sex with my drunk neighbor who knocked on the door at 2.30am
ON Friday night, I went to bed at 1am, drunk and rolling (and probably a little horny), and was woken suddenly, in the same state but more bleary, by a persistent knocking on the back door. I went to the door and this beautiful girl walks in wandering if my roommate is around - said she was a neighbor.
I told he wouldn't be back until the next day but she was welcome to come in and hang out. So she bolted to the couch and asked if I had any drugs. I told her no, but I fixed her a drink and got one for myself. Then we sat on the couch and talked for a few minutes. She was funny and super hot and a little drunk I thought, but then so was I. And I was smitten from the start.
And then quite suddenly she laid across my lap with her butt in the air and asked me if I wanted "to play?". I did. And we "played" and drank a lot over the next several hours, and then the sun came up and I wanted to go to the bedroom. She didn't want to come, said she was comfortable, so I left her there, naked, with a blanket over her.
Next morning, noonish, I wake up and she's gone, my roommate is high-fivin' me, and I end up sleeping the whole damn day.
So this morning, Sunday, she knocks on the door and I answer and she's looking damn fine and quite proper, and a little sheepish.
And here's the part where TIFU: She asked me if I was the one who was here Friday night! According to her, she had no recollection of the 4 hours session we had. She had been dropped off after a night of dancing with her girlfriend, only to find out she had lost her keys, so she came to my house looking for refuge. Next morning she wakes up naked in a strange house (my roomie had only met her once, in the hallway) and had no clue what happened. She asked, "couldn't you tell I was drunk?" and "do I have anything to worry about?".
Now I feel like a complete asshole for taking advantage of a damsel in distress.
edit: added comma
Kielo_Van: Some of these comments are seriously fucking disturbing. Jesus Christ people, she was too drunk to remember what the hell happened. By law, she could not consent. Still, both parties were drunk, so I'm not condemning this--it's a gray area, and I wouldn't make judgements, though it seems she was far drunker than him--but people need to fucking realize that a drunk person cannot legally consent to sex, no matter if you think she was 'leading him on', and if you're sober, you are taking advantage of them.
enceladus7: >though it seems she was far drunker than him
Debatable. Everyone's different in regards to alcohol, his BAC could have been higher and it just might no have affected his memory that much. Doesn't mean his judgement was any better.
It's rare occasions when I forget what happened the previous night and I'm a light weight.
[deleted]: Courts don't determine diminished capacity based on exact BAC. She was blacked out and he wasn't.
enceladus7: Courts will use BAC to determine if he was taking advantage of her or not.
If their BAC was close, they were both equally at fault. Regardless of whether or not they both blacked out.
[deleted]: This is, like, rape apologist wishful thinking day.
First of all, by the time a rape is reported, how are the courts (or even police for that matter) going to get the BAC of either party at the time of the rape? If you're going to make shit up, don't make yourself sound so ridiculous. Fucking clown shoes.
enceladus7: Well done. You found where the issue is.
It's still law, but without cops on site nothing can be proved.
Don't pull this rape apologist bullshit, keep that in tumblr. They were both fucking drunk.
[deleted]: Rape happens in the real world, not on tumblr. I sincerely hope you never learn what a trauma it is.
enceladus7: No fucking shit, unlike the real world though it isn't always the mans fault and society isn't some patriarchal rape culture cess pool.
Both drunk? The man was *obviously* raping her right? /s
Keep that shit in tumblr land.
You make real rape less credible and taken less seriously when you call shit that isn't rape; rape.
[deleted]: That's a logical fallacy, bro, or put into terms you can understand: wrong. Identifying other forms of sexual assault does not change the fact that rape (you are probably referring to violent rape, because you're an idiot) is still wrong.
Please get sterilized.
enceladus7: [No, these are logical fallacies.](https://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/)
Claiming sexual assault when they're not sexual assault makes other people take sexual assault less seriously.
False rape claims are happening from colleges to work places.
Imagine how someone is going to feel when they actually get raped, and no one will take them seriously because they think the authorities will see it as another case of regretted sex, or an angry ex-girlfriend.
I keep seeing these fucking idiots on reddit who say things that aren't sexual assault are actually sexual assault.
Regretted it afterwards? Not fucking sexual assault.
You were both drunk? Then neither of you consented. He can't be a rapist while she's the victim. They're both victims; they were both in the same state.
>you are probably referring to violent rape, because you're an idiot
Oh yeah sure, project onto me. That'll get your point across.
Of course I realize there's fucking many ways people rape. You both being drunk, or regretting it or whatever just isn't fucking one of them.
>Please get sterilized.
Speaking of logical fallacies.
https://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/ad-hominem
[deleted]: Logical fallicies don't make an argument wrong, they're just evidence of its weakness. Also advising you to get sterilized isn't an argument, so Im not sure how you thought it was. It's pretty objectively advisable in your case.
enceladus7: >Also advising you to get sterilized isn't an argument, so Im not sure how you thought it was.
Never said it was. They attacked me while arguing with me. That's ad-hominem.
>It's pretty objectively advisable in your case.
Put down the thesaurus.
[deleted]: Lol if you need a thesaurus to discover the word "objectively". And again, no, attacking someone's argument *because of the person delivering it* is an *ad hominem*. Attacking them for being a shitlord after the fact is just being a dick. I'm generally a dick to rape champions.
enceladus7: >Lol if you need a thesaurus to discover the word "objectively"
No, it's just because your sentence structure was so poor it looked like you used a thesaurus to exchange words.
If I wanted to discover words, I'd use a dictionary. Seeing as those are for defining words.
>Attacking them for being a shitlord
Oh that's why there's no logic coming from you.
[deleted]: LOGIC AND REASON GOOD SIR M'LADY.
It's fitting that you would go to the dictionary to discover new words and not, you know, a thought-provoking book. I take it you are adverse to ideas and perspectives that are not your own. And before you turn that around on me and say that I'm doing the same--I went through my adolescent rape apologia when it was age appropriate. Then I turned 12.
enceladus7: Now you're just trolling
Username: fireflywasbad. You got me.
[deleted]: lol "now"
enceladus7: Poe's law. I was giving you the benefit of the doubt.
[deleted]: You know, I was around on the forum to which Poe's Law is attributed. My view of the matter is that it's a term idiots hide behind when they can't figure out they're being played.
enceladus7: Or people don't like to treat everyone with opposing views as intentionally playing them, that maybe they're saying something worth hearing.
[deleted]: Yeah, Poe's law is about respectfully listening to differing opinions. Give me a break. It's the belief that you can't tell the difference between someone who believes something you do not and someone mocking that view. "I can't tell the difference between a conservative christian and someone making fun of them!" That doesn't sound like openness.
enceladus7: Yes, rather than be a dick and assume your point was so dumb you had to be have been trolling, I assumed you weren't trolling and just misguided; and that maybe your almost parody like view could have some support to it I've not previously heard and might provide some insight to me.
Sounds like openness to me.
[deleted]: Yes, my "parody like" belief that sex should be consensual. This site is a cesspit and people like you make that more apparent.
enceladus7: Your parody like belief is that gender is more accountable than the other.
| 25 | 29.72 | |
1400466373 | 1400509234 | t3_25wrgu | t5_2to41 | 3 | Jeb1332: TIFU by dropping an iPhone
This literally happened 2 minutes ago... TIFU. Long story short I was going to be sending my iPhone 5 in for warranty repair/replacement. Was just carrying it from my desk to my kitchen so I would remember it in the morning and I dropped it and it shattered horrendously. First time I've ever done that and I don't know what I am going to do about my warranty now...
sidewayzsequence: If they were going to replace it anyways under warranty what's the difference?
Jeb1332: Not sure if they will accept it now :(
xKripple_: You could always tell them it was damaged during shipping. There really isn't a way to prove when it was damaged.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1400469333 | 1400484444 | t3_25wvcq | t5_2to41 | 10 | Kolkhoz: TIFU by drunk driving into a fence.
I was house sitting for some friends and getting drunk like any other time when I had the brilliant idea to do a lap around the block for my upcoming driving test. 12PM at Night and I'm pretty drunk. I get into the car and realize that I have no idea how to drive a standard and that's the end of that. The next morning I guess I'm still a little drunk and have to finish the drinks early because early day tomorrow.
So not once but twice I decide to get into a car that's not mine and drive drunk with no license. Reaction times being what they are I hit their back fence and knock it over, ripping the posts right out of the ground. So I manage to fix the fence by screwing back together and putting dirt around the posts so it stands up. The gate is a little harder to open and close and a bit shaky. So the people get home tomorrow and I just have to wait and see if they notice.
Boner4Stoners: I'm not going to try to lecture you. But what you did was stupid. You could have caused serious problems (IE a DUI without a license + MIP because a lot of states consider the alcohol in your blood possession) or worst case scenario hit someone.
Never drive intoxicated, especially on alcohol. Since you don't have your license yet when you do you'll probably be driving you self around go parties or to hangout with your friends. Please for the yours and other peoples sake just stay the night if you drink. I mean if you had a beer at 6 and you drive home at 11 that's one thing. But if you've drank more than a few beers/shots even if it's been hours, the threshold for driving drunk underaged (at least in my state) is a .01 BAC which is like a shot of beer, so for every shot of liquor or beer you drink you should wait an hour *minimum*, but ideally 2-3 hours or the smart solution would be not to even try it.
Use your mistake as a learning experience. Driving drunk, even if it's only around the neighborhood (little kids can run out in the street and shit), is ridiculously dangerous. So if you hit fence going 25 imagine what could have happened if you tried going on the road. You could be dead.
Be safe in the future. Think about the decisions you make and if the consequences outweigh the rewards (IE driving drunk can cause a shit load of trouble and even if you stay the night it's not like you would have done anything after you get home besides pass out.) don't do it.
brberg: "I'm not going to try to lecture you."
Lecture ensues.
Khpuffy: If anyone needs a lecture, OP does. Drunk Driving is a terrible idea and the guilt of killing an innocent person does not go away. Driving impaired is a serious problem.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1400469083 | 1400506329 | t3_25wv1s | t5_2to41 | 26 | trientis: TIFU by drinking out of the wrong cup
So I was at a family party and I went to talk to my moms friend. When I came back to my table all my family members where gone talking to other people and I picked up "my" drink and started drinking it tasted kind of weird but I was really thirsty.
I kept drinking it and then put it down and started asking myself "why does this taste so bad?" My dad's uncle comes over and ask where did his spit cup go.
I immediately puked.
TLDR: Drank out of a spit cup.
Fingebimus: Who the fuck has a spit cup?
wrincewind: people that chew tobacco.
[deleted]: I have some cousin's that chew, they always have these old soda bottles in their cars filled with the nastiest black spit.
wrincewind: yeah, it's a gross habit. but hey, at least second hand spit-swigging is easier to avoid than second hand smoking. :P
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1400492317 | 1401014555 | t3_25wzjv | t5_2to41 | 14 | GeeksAnatomyHugo: What does that stand for?
ThrowAwayForFap115: Doesn't matter, had sex?
GeeksAnatomyHugo: Oh right thanks for clarrifying :)
DymnBoy: It means TIFU + a brag. Brag doesn't stand for anything it just literally means the word brag. A synonym for it would be boast :L So the post in simple would be " Today I fucked up, but I am a show off who decided to tell you this story that isn't actually a fuck up."
Really it meant that this story just contradicts the purpose of being a TIFU.
GeeksAnatomyHugo: What a jerk!
DymnBoy: Mhmm. Yes indeed :7
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1400469905 | 1400484484 | t3_25ww3d | t5_2to41 | 35 | zippityboo: TIFU by liking a movie on Facebook without realizing that that it showed a picture of a woman getting doggystyled for the cover.
I've always avoided Facebook. I finally made one, to join a Facebook group in my area, which I recently moved to. So most of my friends on Facebook are not people that I know very well.
I tried to like a movie (in fact it was the first movie I liked on Facebook) that is a drama, and is admittedly a pretty crazy movie, but it's not a porn.
Instead of an actual cover, for some reason they had a weird like slapped together cover, and the biggest picture on it was of a woman getting doggystyled. There is sex in the movie, and the description could sound like a porn storyline if one didn't know any better.
Feeds ahoy!
FML
Mr_Lonely_Heart_Club: Not even going to name the movie? For shame.
zippityboo: Ok, sorry guys. I didn't put the name at first because I was paranoid I guess.
Then I did comment with links to the imdb page and the facebook for the movie, but I think the comment got removed because of the links.
The name of the movie is: Strange Circus
It is written and directed by Shion Sono and the imdb page says 2005 while the facebook page says 2004.
Anyway, if you want to see the "cover" that showed up on my friends' facebook feeds, then go to wikipedia and look up "strange circus" and you will see it.
EDIT: if you want to find it on facebook, to see the "cover" picture there too, I guess you have to go to the little tool where you can add movies that you just watched or want to like and search that way. The general search bar doesn't work and google doesn't work. If you want to read the way more embarassing description of the movie that shows up on facebook you have to be logged in when you find the facebook page for the movie.
KennyFulgencio: good movie then?
zippityboo: It's balls to the wall. It used to be my favorite, but now Noriko's Dinner Table is which is by the same writer/director, because Noriko's Dinner talbe has a little more substance.
| 5 | 7 | |
1400472182 | 1400482085 | t3_25wz0n | t5_2to41 | 19 | GotPainfulshits: TIFU by eating too much hot stuff at once
This happened yesterday actually not today but close enough.
I BBQed and roasted some jalapeños over a low heat with my food. This really brings out the heat in the peppers in case you don't know this. Next, I mixed 2 different kinds of hot sauces together (Frank's Red Hot Sauce and Tapatillo) to make a sort of dip, dipped the jalapeños in this dip and ate it. At the time, it burned my mouth a little but I got past that and was fine.
Next day now and I'm having the most painful burning shits ever. Feels like I'm shitting molten lava.
FML
hungryhungryhulk: Reading that bought 'Nam style flashbacks of my own drunkedln spicey food disaster.
Me and some friends were ordering pizza, and Domino's were doing their heat level pizzas. I thought fuck it and ordered the hottest one, laden with jalapeños, mustard, peppers, spicy meatballs etc. Went down a treat. Came out so violently and so often that I was on the toilet for half hour and you could hear my scream of pain in the kitchen downstairs. Never. Again.
ACreepyThrowaway: Having eaten nothing but a pop tart today, this thread is making me hungry.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1400472295 | 1400637635 | t3_25wz5e | t5_2to41 | 504 | IAMAfortunecookieAMA: TIFU by knifing my laundry.
I accidentally left a little pocketknife in my pants pocket when I did my laundry. It opened itself up in the spin cycle and cut holes in all my clothes...
markdesign: Try it on first. It might look fashionable.
TrimPampano: Who knows maybe they will be the next big article of clothing in fashion.
[New lineup of jeans for fall](http://www.outboardmotoroilblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/un_georgia_jeans.jpg)
DroopyPanda: The Walking Dead line.
LarrysMod: Man I wish this deadline would stop getting closer!
| 5 | 100.8 | |
1400479714 | 1400493855 | t3_25x740 | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by wrongly assuming an Asian family was going to see Godzilla
I work concessions at a movie theater and we were having a rush at the time for what I assumed was Godzilla as it came out this weekend. Anyway I had an Asian family, probably 6 people, come and start ordering. Trying to be friendly and strike up a conversation, I asked them if they were excited to see Godzilla. Every one of them looked at me with an angry look and didn't talk to me or thank me the rest of the order. I thought it was awkward but didn't think much of it. Later that night my manager came up to me and told me the customers had complained and were really pissed off at me. Luckily, he thought it was hilarious but still, awkward scenario.
[deleted]: some people are just over-sensitive, asking people if they are going to see godzilla is hardly racist or even offensive....
Colley619: Yea. And Godzilla is a Tokyo thing right? Unless they're from Tokyo i don't see how it would be offensive. Asia is an entire continent. That would be like me (an American) being offended by an Asian asking me if i like hockey. (Canadian)
| 3 | 7 | |
1400481738 | 1400535073 | t3_25x8zs | t5_2to41 | 42 | drewdude44: TIFU By telling a little girl she probably doesn't have a dad.
So I'm a pizza delivery driver and I ended up delivering to a shitty part of town. When I got there, this little girl ran to the door with her mom. Her mom was probably in her early 20's. The little girl was just talking away like little kids do, and when I was getting ready to leave, she said "Bye daddy"... I turned around and said "Sorry, I'm not your daddy. You probably don't have one." After realizing what I just said, I said to have a good night and got the fuck outta there.
Ropstercraw: Lmao. Youre such an ass. My kind of ass but still.
drewdude44: haha. Us asses must stick together.
Pointwest418: Looks like we got ourselves a couple of assmen over here
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1400480375 | 1400539873 | t3_25x7qu | t5_2to41 | 14 | MWizzle: TIFU by accidentally helping somebody steal a bike
Basically the university where i study at has a underground bike park which allows you to securely store your bike while you are at classes and requires a swipe card to access, every card swiped is monitored,
Now even though this is more secure than leaving you bike attached to one of the bike racks anywhere around campus it is still recommended you lock your bike up since anybody with a swipe card can access this facility. Most people ignore this however and it can be easy pickings.
Now i consider myself a relatively polite person and after i had swiped the door open for myself to retrieve my bike after a long hard day studying I noticed a person rush up behind me so I held the door open for them and they mumbled a thank you I didn't get a good look at them but they looked your average New Zealand university student.
So after i had held the door open for them I wondered over and unlocked my bike and prepared to leave, as i was swiping my card the person i had let in grabbed a bike swung it around and charged toward me as well, i thought nothing of it as i was tired from my day and held the door open for them again as I left.
Just as I clipped my feet into my pedals it dawned upon me, at which point it was too late
TLDR: I gave somebody access to bike storage under my name and they probably stole a bike
[deleted]: What Nz University has a bike cage that fancy?
MWizzle: the one and only Canterbury
[deleted]: Woot - Vic here, we only have bike stands that get filled with scooters :P
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1400485123 | 1400553466 | t3_25xc0m | t5_2to41 | 21 | julianlau: TIFU by returning the same compliment at the gym
I started working out 4-5 times a week in mid-2012 (at the time I graduated). Unnecessary to mention, I changed a lot in my physical appearance.
While I had a really good relationship to the folks in my class, I haven't had any contact with them since 2012 (except for a few lads now and then).
Yesterday I was working out at the local gym and just finished my set, when I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was a girl I had some kind of relationship with at a few points. I was pretty exhausted and just nodded, and smiled while she talked to me. She wanted to move on and told me to have a good time and said "Wow, you really gained a lot, I barely recognized you!" and without thinking I replied to her "You too.", smiled and turned around, continuing with my sets.
Regardless to say, she didn't really take it as a compliment and I only realized what I did a few minutes later.
**TL;DR girl tells my I gained a lot after working out 2 years - tell her she gained a lot, too.**
hardcorvd: Why didnt you salvage it right after by saying something like "i meant you are looking much better now too ?"
IfOnlyWeCouldBe: OP's Gym Buddy: "Are you saying I didn't look good before? ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT!?"
hardcorvd: "oh no no! I was just saying you used to look great, now you look ravishing. Got any dinner plans tonight?"
IfOnlyWeCouldBe: "Yes. I plan on eating 20 Whoppers tonight because of your remark. We're not gym buddies anymore."
hardcorvd: "Sounds great! I was in the mood for Whoppers too! Yeah to be honest we make shit gym buddies."
IfOnlyWeCouldBe: *walk off together, Whoppers in hand*
hardcorvd: "Oh! there is some sauce near your lips!" *licks it off for you.*
| 8 | 2.625 | |
1400487060 | 1400491615 | t3_25xdjo | t5_2to41 | 52 | [deleted]: TIFU by ramming a toothbrush into my tonsils.
Fresh out of the shower, smelled like a flower.
Gotta make 'em teeth shining, full of power.
But well. I slipped on the tiles, rammed the toothbrush into my tonsils, and had to spit "some" blood.
I have to be honest, this happened about 6 days ago. I didn't go to the doc, because I felt like it wouldn't be worth it. Just a bit of blood, who cares.
In the end, my whole throat was sore & dark red. Should I go to the doc? I should. And oh look - Looks like a blood poisoning.
Told him the story, and he was laughing the whole time, even when he tried to be serious. Gotta take lots of meds now. I still can't eat / drink properly. People in the whole village know it by now. Shouldn't have told it anyone.
That feel of shame.
Watch out for dem dangerous toothbrushes!
Gigadrowse: Sorry but lol. Get well soon
Medicaments: Thanks, I appreciate it. And don't be sorry for laughing, that's the reason why I told this story.
| 3 | 17.333333 | |
1400482860 | 1400493252 | t3_25xa1i | t5_2to41 | 11 | tyrocantus: TIFU by Shitting and Coughing at the same time.
I am a very asthmatic individual, and I usually have a serious attack once a year or so do to various causes. this happened to me last week, and hit me hard, coughing up chunks of mucus and the like. I am taking some strong cough medicine, because i cant sleep on my prescription, and if I'm not coughing then I'm sleeping. This disrupts my normally chill bathroom schedule, so while I'm awake and coughing i needed to take a shit. A really hard one. As I'm doing so, i cough extremely hard, hard enough to twist my body and clench my asshole, mid shit. feel some sharp pain, and when i go to wipe i get a bit of bright red blood. I gave myself an anal fissure by coughing.
tl;dr - I coughed so hard I made my ass bleed
MrMikeHunt: http://i.imgur.com/HdZDqZ6.gif
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/RepentantNaturalCony](http://gfycat.com/RepentantNaturalCony)
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| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1400484663 | 1400530281 | t3_25xbmx | t5_2to41 | 42 | LDawg618: TIFU by teaching a class of fourth graders the word "dix" in French.
This happened about 5 years ago but I didn't have Reddit then. I was an education major and doing my field hours by helping out with math in a fourth grade class. For some reason the teacher found out I spoke French and wanted me to teach the kids. Fine. Way better than math.
So I taught them basic stuff and then we got to numbers. In French, dix (pronounced deece, rhymes with fleece) means 10 and the way they say 17, 18 and 19 is 10+7, 10+8, and 10+9 (dix-sept, dix-huit, dix-neuf). So I wanted the kids to realize that since it's a lot like sevenTEEN, eighTEEN, nineTEEN.
I asked what dix-sept, dix-huit and dix-neuf all had in common. One little girl said "They all have dicks." The world must have stopped for a good 5 seconds as I tried to figure out a) why the hell she would say that and b) why she looked so serious and like she wasn't making a joke while saying it. Then it dawned upon me. Dix looks like it's pronounced dicks for English speakers. So I didn't make a big deal about it and said "Oh, yes! You're right! But it's pronounced dix like deece." But by that point many students were laughing, and one little girl said to another "Is that like the thing that boys have?"
Wow... not where I planned on that lesson going!
setzRFD: I always found it neat how in French, there is no distinct word for seventy or eighty. I apologize in advance if I'm incorrect in my spelling/butchering the language. Sixty in French is soixante, but seventy is soixante-dix (or is it soixante et dix, sixty and ten?). Then you go soixante de onze, soixante douze, literally 60+11, 60+12, etc. Then when you get you eighty it's quatre-vinght (four twenties).
LDawg618: Yup you got almost all of them right! I guess it's interesting but it's annoying. 99 is four times twenty ten nine. What?!
setzRFD: I guess it would be annoying getting phone numbers over the phone, since its my understanding people in France say phone numbers in doubles.
123-456-7890 would be read as individual digits elsewhere, but in French speaking areas it would be 12, 34, 56, 78, 90, etc. You wouldn't be able to tell if the next number was a 6X or 7X number until they finished.
LDawg618: Yeah I have the hardest time with French numbers even after studying the language for more than half my life. I need people to go really slowly when they say numbers. My French teacher would get jokingly upset because I would say "1-9-8-5" instead of 1985. :P The weird part is I seem to understand Spanish numbers easier and barely know the language. I think they talk slower.
| 5 | 8.4 | |
1400482653 | 1400524663 | t3_25x9ub | t5_2to41 | 4 | freedomcominthrough: TIFU by almost getting run over by a lunatic b/c friend had kicked over his leftover coffee
Well not really my fuck up but anyways.
A couple of years back, me and 2 friends (we'll call them G and H) met up at my HS after classes were over. We then decided to walk to another HS which was relatively close by in order to meet some other friends and maybe hang out. So we do.
On our way there, at one point, the 3 of us were passing by a man when G kicked over a plastic cup of coffee, which BTW only had like 1 sip left in it. The man then asks G "what are you doing, wasn't there some coffee left in there?", so apparently it was his. Being the more confrontational type, G decided that it was a good idea to swear at this guy. Then the guy decides he's having none of this so he starts running towards us (to give a whoopin' to G, I presume) , but we outrun him.
This would have been normal up until this point, I mean G was looking for it, he almost got it, but we managed to run away.
Except it was not over.
The guy then proceeded to get in his car, a smallish SUV. He starts chasing us through parking lots and backstreets, and nearly crashes his car while at it. Judging by the way he was driving I'm almost certain he was out to run us over. We kept on running and he just wouldn't stop, and he'd barely brake on time not to hit cars or other obstacles. Him having been driving and us running, he could have probably caught us on foot if he'd have jumped out of the car after getting close to us with his car (which he did several times, really close, IIRC) .
After what seemed like an eternity this guy was finally out of sight after we took some alleyways and backstreets his car couldn't. My memories might be playing tricks on me but we may or may not have thought we had lost him at one point only for him to appear again, before finally losing him for good.
Needless to say, me and my 2 friends kept our eyes peeled (and were quite paranoid) for the remaining trip to that HS.
sidewayzsequence: So your friend G isn't so much confrontational, more just a smart mouth who really doesn't want any problems.
freedomcominthrough: Partially yes. But I'm glad he was like this when it happened ; I don't want to know what would've happened if he tried fighting that madman.
sidewayzsequence: Hm. Learned a lesson?
I understand what you're saying though.
| 4 | 1 | |
1400500930 | 1400540330 | t3_25xo86 | t5_2to41 | 6 | hks9: TIFU by having about 30 high school guys hunt me down
This was a year or so back, when i was a senior in high school. I went to mesquite high in gilbert arizona a suburb of the phoenix metro area. I recently ran into a buddy of mine i hadnt seen since jr high and he invited me to this party which i didnt really know anyone.
And so i went separately in my truck to this party probably 12 miles away from my house. It turned out to be this girls party and it had a good amount of people and a good ratio and everything was cool. i found out shortly that the people at this party went to perry high, which our schools dont get along well. plus that area is full of rich ass parents so the kids are extra douchey. the girl actually my buddys friend and was hitting on me for a good while as well and i felt like we were gettin along well. Suddenly the front door opens and 30 guys are standin there just walk in one by one like links of sausages fresh from the factory. The girl kinda starts to freak out and want them gone cuz she dont know them or want the cops and shit so me and my buddy tried tellin them to go.
Me and one of the sausage gay fucks guys are startin to argue over it and at that point i told my buddy and the girl "lets take the alcohol so theyll leave". we snuck out the side of the house with it and went out front and down the street to sit by my truck. At this point were trying to figure out what to do.
Five or so minutes later, I hear a bunch of dull clapping noises behind me and i look back and ALL OF THOSE FUCKING SAUSAGES are running down the street at us. Im not sure what my buddy did from this point but i took an immediate right around a corner, set the 30 in a bush, and hopped the fence into a backyard. They began screaming "come out you pussy" and shit along the lines of that. I kept hopping through backyards for a bit, almost got bit by a dog. fml. finally stopped somewhere. could hear them walking around and talkin to each other. then they began making roadblocks with their bodies to search cars that were leavin the party for me. i know this mainly because the backyard i was in had a street behind it and they were literally over the fence from me at a few points.
After about an hour and a half - two i figured the coast was clear. Hopped out and went to try and find the 30 pack. not suprisingly, the idiots didnt even see it. called that girl, and brought it back. Turns out this party sucked for everyone cuz the beer was warm when it got back and the other alcohol was gone. needless to say people werent pleased. however the girl who owned the house was happy cause all the douchebag sausage fucks left.
But wait, it gets worse. so most of those guys left and didnt come back, but some did. One of these guys that came back is 'kenny', this black guy and essentially their leader. they were all white and dressed like wankstas. i bet almost all of them would claim they can rap but cant. anyways so im in the backyard telling the girl im about to gtfo cuz this night was bs and then i hear cuz the sliding door is open.."hes in the backyard". at this point im thinkin this is really bad so i run to the fence and about to hop and then they are in the backyard. i kinda just was like fuck it at this point and just didnt hop it. fat ass kenny black guy smashes me into the wall sayin why i called him a nigger. i did not do that for sure. turns out that guy i was arguin with earlier told kenny i called him a nigger and THAT IS WHAT LEAD to the massive sausage swarm chasing me into hiding.
at this point im just in complete disbelief that this fucking guy is using his larger friend as well as his backup to fight his battles. black guy starts beatin on me with his boys backin him up and my homie from earlier just swoops in and talks him outta his bullshit. i still cannot believe he managed to do that to this day. so we leave immediately.
Eventually went back to my truck to go home. Turns out they punched the side mirrors off my ranger. Went home and hated myself to sleep.
lesson here: dont do shit for a woman that you dont know
iaintnoscout: Things that didn't happen:
-This
-Not the holocaust
ACreepyThrowaway: Eh I believe it.
Same sort of thing happened to me in high school. A friend of a friend had recently moved to a backwoods town. We all "road-tripped" there for a party. Shit ton of kids no one knows.
I get bored and drunk so I go in an empty room to watch TV and fiddle with a guitar. A gaggle of kids wearing Letterman jackets walk in and start giving me shit saying that I said something to their friend. Getting ready to fight when my crazy friend sees what is about to happen. He flies in and starts getting in everyone's face threatening all of them. Luckily they all pussed out and walked away.
Later that night me and a friend huddled on the couch scared to death as these kids start cooking up crack cocaine. Kid who lives in the house is upstairs with the girl who drove us. His door is locked and they fell asleep. Scariest night of my 16 year old life.
srtrigue: I can bet this happened in Suburbia Land
ACreepyThrowaway: More like farm land.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1400501886 | 1400536338 | t3_25xp4l | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by rear ending a cadillac escalade in my Prius. I was distracted by the car accident that happened on the other side of the highway
So basically the title says it all. I was driving in traffic northbound when I saw an accident that had occurred in the southbound lanes. Traffic was bad so we weren't going much faster than 15 mph. Suddenly I hear sirens and see flashing lights. I was so fascinated by all the commotion that I didn't realize that my car was still inching forward even though traffic had come to a complete stop. Then suddenly I feel a huge jolt and all I see is that damn Cadillac symbol. Nothing even happened to the Cadillac but my Prius is all busted up on the hood. When the cop came to report the accident he asked me if I was distracted by the other accident across the street. I felt so dumb! Then the owner of the Cadillac started talking shit about how he's gonna have to get the bumper checked out "just in case". It's only 8am, the rest of my day is probably gonna be pretty shitty.
Amazingbambam: Gooseneckin'
In my experience Prius drivers suck in general. Just saying
ACreepyThrowaway: Better than Volvo drivers, though.
Amazingbambam: Volvos are tanks they don't have to drive well. Lol
ACreepyThrowaway: The sad thing is I like Volvos... Does... Does that make me a monster?
R4gingT4co: Depends. Do you like old volvos, new volvos, or volvos with corvette engines?
ACreepyThrowaway: New.
R4gingT4co: I'm okay with the new hatchbacks, but I don't know if I'll ever like the sedans.
| 8 | 1.125 | |
1400503263 | 1400585103 | t3_25xqhe | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU, thought deadline was like all others.
It is the 20th of May right now, 12:22 am. I have just finished making my Reddit account (best and fastest sign-up process ever!) and 10 minutes ago ( would be 12:12 am ) I had submitted my assignment online when I found out the difficult way that it was due in 2 hours and 12 minutes before hand. Damn it all, I thought I had this assignment ready for go, next thing you know it turns out it was due 2 hours before I had submitted it and I'm sitting here like I had actually done a good job up until this moment. I have always had assignments/assessments due in at 11:55pm via online upload/submission, and this is the first time it has been any different. I have learned my lesson I guess. FYI I am a procrastinator so this is just another contributing factor to why this just amplifies my error. The actual fuck up to take away is that I am not doing so hot in the paper overall anyway, I am going to have to try pass the final exam with a high mark in order to pass the paper itself. On the brighter side, I love Reddit and the posts, the humorous/intelligent side if this community and you broaden my perspective of view on topics.
wrincewind: you need to study more ... so you joined reddit? you poor bastard.
DymnBoy: :) ty ty
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1400484626 | 1400527260 | t3_25xblk | t5_2to41 | 32 | melacs: TIFU by hitting on another woman in front of my wife
Didn't happen today, but you know how it goes.
I was at a party and drank quite a lot with some other people from my University (am a graduate student). My wife was at another party with her friends (all girls). After my party ended I decided to change places and join my wife. Since everyone there were women they kept filling my glass with wine (I was already drunk). I got to the border of rememberland and then it happened. My wife changed seats with her friend while I was at the bathroom. I was too drunk to notice the difference and apparently (The alcohol made it vague) I touched her face while telling her how beautiful she was.
In the morning when my wife told me what happened, I tried to apologize to her and she said that she was fine, but the other woman was feeling quite uncomfortable not knowing what to do.
**tl;dr don't change seats when your drunk husband is sitting next to you. He will hit on whoever sits in your seat.**
edit: lots of people keep telling me it is stupid to drink too much. Yes, that speaks for itself. It is not like I was thinking: yeey, let's get hammered. I came from a party and had already some to drink. People kept filling my glass and in Japan it can be difficult to refuse. Not wanting any more wine directly may sound like you want to go or that the wine is not good for you (They love to read between the lines). So in order to be nice and blend in, I drank the wine. I know I should be responsible, but sometimes it happens. (My wife has also gotten hammered before by the way, so that part is mutual)
Diarygirl: Jesus, dude, just because they kept filling your glass doesn't mean you have to drink it! If my husband did that, I wouldn't be pissed that you were hitting on another woman; I'd be pissed that you couldn't tell the difference, and the fact that I would have to deal with the aftermath (hangover).
ThegreatPee: You sound fun.
Diarygirl: You all are downvoting me because this guy didn't recognize his own wife? Okay. I'm not changing my opinion.
ThegreatPee: I feel sorry for your Husband.
| 5 | 6.4 | |
1400505736 | 1400512771 | t3_25xtg3 | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving an incognito tab open on my phone...
...and no, it's not what you think; it looked a whole lot worse.
This happened on Saturday.
I'm married, but I've always been digital friends with one of my ex's (facebook, rare texts like 'happy birthday', etc.). It has never been a problem. My wife doesn't have any reason to dislike or distrust her, and I'd never be unfaithful. It's just not in my nature.
Then, out of the blue last week, my ex sent a text that said 'you were in my dream list night. i don't remember what it was about. LOL'
I thought it was a little strange and awkward, and I didn't want my wife to see it and get the wrong idea. However, on the flip side, if I were to delete it, and for ANY reason she found out I deleted a text message from my ex, there would be no way to prove that it was innocuous.
So, on my phone, I opened an incognito tab, and searched for 'Hide text message thread'
And I forgot to close it.
Come Saturday, my wife and I are on our way to a party, and she starts using my phone to play music in the car. Then, she idly opened the browser...
"Why do you want to hide a text message thread?"
"Um....what?" I'm stalling to think.
"Nuke, why do you want to hide a text message thread?!"
"I don't know"
Then, after what felt like five hours, but what was probably closer to 15 seconds, I say, "Okay, let me explain..."
She scoffed.
I explained the situation. I apologized. I asked for her forgiveness. I reached out to grab her hand.
She reeled away and said, "Don't even touch me."
Silence all the way to the party.
The party was, not surprisingly, a lot less fun than expected.
Afterwards, while we're on our way home, I'm ready to talk this out, but I'm letting her make the first move.
Finally...
"So why did you lie to me?"
"Because I'm stupid. Because I panicked. But I think the most important thing is that I did tell the truth."
After her telling me that she thinks I'm a pig, and that she wants me to find somewhere to sleep tonight, etc etc, she settles down a bit. I was then able to pull out my deepest and sincerest apology (and this was all truthful, I didn't tell a single lie about how important she is to me).
I also explained that my ex was absolutely no threat to her. If I had wanted to end up with my ex, I would have stayed with her (I broke up with her, not the other way around).
Apparently I said the right thing, because my wife forgave me (but not before going through every text message on my phone that night while I was asleep. Just to be sure. Can you blame her?)
She now, however, thinks my ex is a smelly pirate hooker.
TL;DR: Wanted to hide awkward but innocuous text from ex girlfriend, wife found about attempted cover up.
Lereas: I think you're lucky...there are some women who get mad at their husbands because IN A DREAM they cheated on them with someone.
Confozedperson: My mother got extremely angry (to the point of screaming with tears) because:
My dad had cheated on her.
On their boat.
In a dream.
With his cat.
Awkward day for sure.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1400508354 | 1400529801 | t3_25xwtu | t5_2to41 | 181 | KymeraDot: TIFU masturbating with an ass plug after a shit (NSFW)
As it says...
Needed to shit, so I did. Afterwards felt the need to have a good ol' shlick and I remembered my parents having an anal toy (plug/beads, dunno) so I decided to 'borrow' it. They are on holiday so I know they won't be back for a while therefore I knew I could use it without getting caught.
So here I am masturbating away while plugging my ass with this toy, I climax and was the best feeling in a while. Now time for the cleanup....
As I take it out the most death-awakening smell hit me, and I dared not look at the toy...but I did. It was nearly entirely covered in shit. The smell was like my anus was diseased....horrible. I took the toy and bleached it in the sink and leaving it to dry.
It was only after I had cleaned up slightly hysterically that it realised something. That toy is what my parents used with each other....I just used it up my ass....and now the smell of shit won't go away.
I've guiltily put it back where I found it, hoping they won't notice when they return....aw gawd.
EDIT: let's just say I don't regret doing it. But sure as hell ain't doing it again.
EDIT 2: Here's the only proof I can give you monsters (I don't really have a right to say that now do I?), I cleaned it off as soon as I used it. http://i.imgur.com/YFy7hHx.jpg
vehementindifference: I'd be horrified simply finding out my parents HAD a buttplug. It takes someone special to find that out and then USE it on themselves.
Pointwest418: Yeah, I don't understand the thought process for some of these TIFUs.
Find your mom or dad's butt plug? TIME TO BORROW IT
_vargas_: It doesn't make any sense because it's most likely not true. OP just wants his story to be Reddit's next cumbox or vagina bacon.
KymeraDot: I can show you a yummy picture of it if you like.
iShootDope_AmA: I'm willing to take you up on that offer.
KymeraDot: Sadly there is no 'before' picture, only 'after', if that is enough proof.
iShootDope_AmA: I'll take a pic of goatse if that the best you can do.
KymeraDot: Not of my anus I'm afraid, I mean of the toy if that's still any good for you.
iShootDope_AmA: Oh, well I *guess* that'll do.
Can we get one of the toy in your rectum?
Pls, OP.
KymeraDot: I'd love to deliver but I'd rather not have to clean up like that again.
iShootDope_AmA: I guess a pic of the plug will suffice.
| 12 | 15.083333 | |
1400509896 | 1400516401 | t3_25xyzg | t5_2to41 | 9 | meekster15: TIFU by taking a multivitamin
This happened a few days ago, but anyway I was out with my girlfriend, and we were eating breakfast. I brought a long a pack of nutritional vitamin supplements that I got for my birthday. Well I tried taking the whole food multivitamin first and it got lodged in my throat, so I have this huge horse pill in my throat. I drive home (probably a stupid idea) I get there and tell my dad what happens. He freaks out and calls the ambulance. I get transported to the hospital and wind up having to get all kinds of iv fluids and xrays done just for the pill to eventually dissolve and slide right down my throat.
tl;dr Almost died by trying to be healthy.
poohspiglet: Did you have trouble breathing? I can't understand getting ambulance transport to ER for this, or IV either. Sounds like there's more to the story, or maybe someone in medicine can explain for me.
meekster15: It was just lodged. I could not get any water down, and the vitamin wouldn't come up. The transport was just because they weren't sure what to do and thought a Dr. would be better suited. Honestly all I can really say is I am just glad they were able to get it fixed it was horrible.
poohspiglet: Well, I'm glad you got it taken care of, but still thinking an ambulance was a bit of an overkill. Are you in the US? They're a wickedly expensive ride to just see a doctor, at least here. In our rural area, they'd ask you if you wanted to be transported first, because it's kind of a big deal when the ambulance is out of town, and another agency would have to cover, etc...
meekster15: Yeah I live in the US, but I'm in the National Guard and have a pretty decent insurance plan with them.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1400510383 | 1400628296 | t3_25xzpb | t5_2to41 | 89 | fanzybellz: TIFU by dropping my laptop off a 6 metre tall structure
I didnt think through the physics of leaving an unevenly balanced bag on a brick wall of a bridge and my laptop and phone were severely damaged. I am a student with no money and I am ridiculously sad about it.
TSengy: I know it's handy stuff to have, but please remember it's only stuff!
Atleast it wasn't you who fell off of said brick wall, we'd miss you terribly <3
Edit: Where in the world are you? Perhaps I could send you one of the many spare work phones I have here :)
1986summerfire: You're so sweet and kind, I almost shed a tear..
TSengy: I've always believed in changing the world with one random act of kindness at a time, we're all in this together and if I can help someone out I always will :)
1986summerfire: That's truly inspiring. Keep it up! :)
| 5 | 17.8 | |
1400512810 | 1400520196 | t3_25y14v | t5_2to41 | -1 | Theamazingawesome: He wasn't standing on his own, I was behind him and supporting him, just unlucky I guess
jux74p0se: you were not unlucky. you were irresponsible.
darthjammer224: theres nothing wrong with teaching a young kid gun safety, the sooner the better, but yeah a handgun of that caliber, even though you thought everything was safe, probably wasnt, If you really want to get him into shooting this early, get a 22 rifle, easier to use, easier for you to help him hold and litte to no kick
| 3 | -0.333333 | |
1400513218 | 1400526422 | t3_25y3zr | t5_2to41 | 29 | Erebos_Rex: TIFU pissing in the shower
I'm so tired it's not even funny I have no idea, I went to bed at the same time I always do but I was just groggy and tired when I woke that morning. I go to the bathroom and walk into the bathtub to turn on the water and then I realize I haven't taken a Piss yet. So half awake me aims away from the bathtub I'm in and pissed out of it, and I didn't move the curtain so it just shoot a onto the floor. Worst part I had the nice mini rug there, now ruined fron piss...
TL;DR I screwed up missing in the tub and nailed my carpet...
VioletskiesTN: it could have been worse at least you didnt shit in or out of the shower
xROSSTHEHOSSx: compared to most TIFU shitting in or out of his shower would be a blessing
VioletskiesTN: im confused, is this a constipation issue?
ElGoddamnDorado: Nah, people here shit their pants a lot and think that it's normal.
xROSSTHEHOSSx: shitting your pants is not normal they need to stop trying to make it normal
| 6 | 4.833333 | |
1400516679 | 1400517347 | t3_25y9jh | t5_2to41 | 4 | TIFUthrowaway12: TIFU by not speaking to *that* girl on the train.
__STIG__: Its not so much of a fuck up, but just a lack of confidence. Next time you see that girl, talk to her op. She will either talk to you and you potentially have a chance and or new friend? Or if she doesnt talk to you and completely ignores you? Shes prolly just a bitch.
TIFUthrowaway12: Hm, I suppose! Thanks for the reply!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1400505857 | 1400522822 | t3_25xtkw | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: tifu by farting and followed through
So I have been of work in for a few days now and because of this my mum makes me tea to try and help with my sickness. What I didn't realise is that she was trying a new recipe mixing many herbs and spices into one dish. I was not satisfied with my tea in the first place, but tried to each as much as I could... This was a big mistake as the following morning my stomach had began to feel really queazy and upset. Going throughout my day I took paracetamol to try and help with the pains, but did not seem to make a difference, however from the amount of fizzy drinks I had been consuming I began to feel really gassy.
Later on in the day I was invited round to my friend's house to watch Arsenal vs Hull and through the entire game I tried to hold in my farts to not be rude to my two friends that were there. Once the game had finished I could feel myself not holding in the next fart, so I began to leave the room and enter the bathroom.
As soon as I entered the bathroom I began to let out a small fart, however what I didn't know is that becasue of this I had also shit in my pants a little! Quickly pulling down my pants and sitting on the toilet seat, constant shit poored out of my ass like water out of a pipe. Looking back at my underpants there were two blobs of shit left on them and I had to somehow get them off.
Carefully removing them I manage to get one leg out, however without noticing my sock had scraped along the shit so once my foot touched my friends carpet it had smudged everywhere and I had no idea what to do. Once I had finished on the toilet I took my underpants out from my shorts, carefully pulled my pants back around my waste after wiping countless times and left the bathroom having to as my friend for a plastic bag to put my underpants in.
Having to tell them that I shat myself, they both burst in to tears laughing and embarrased I went back into the bathroom to wait for the plastic bag. During me cleaning up I was texting my dad to pick me up whilst also small talking to my friends through the bathroom door asking them whether they fold or scrunch their toilet paper, to make the situation even more funnier whilst im in the bathroom.
In the end I was never picked up by my dad, I was wearing my friends brothers underpants and walking home with a plastic bag of shitty undies.
sidewayzsequence: Next time just throw your shitty underpants in the trash. I'm sure you have plenty more at home, just let the shitty ones go.
I've been known to fold but I'm typically a scruncher. BTW.
millzthatkillz: every accidental pant shitting pro just throws out the undies. Undergarments can be bought, pride cannot.
sidewayzsequence: Nail on the head, brother
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1400513141 | 1400526339 | t3_25y3vd | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by opening a PowerPoint Presention
So we're having a project and my good buddy comes over to my place so we can work on it together. We start working on the project and start to digress halfway and end up cracking jokes and what not. Anyway as we wrap up the work and save it, we find that the file was not on my Desktop. I figured that it should be in the "Documents" folder. And voila! it was there. After transferring the file to the desktop I realise i have some old freshman work left in the folder and being the dumbest box of shit i started to open it one by one. It was all nostalgic excel and word document work i did during my freshman year, until I opened a PowerPoint presentation. There it was, in all it's glory a powerpoint presentation of dirty pics of me and my ex girlfriend flashing right before my BUDDY'S VERY EYES. I quickly grabbed my laptop and closed that shit... dumbass freshman mustve thought keeping copies of those pictures in powerpoint mustve been the safest way to store them... AND I COULDVE SWORN I DELETED THEM ALL.
TigOlMcSnittyBits: this is a really, really weak TIFU
dr3wfr4nk: Shouldn't this really be "Today I proved to my buddy that I am the fucking man!"?
Deuce1196: I think he was more afraid of showing his buddy his dick
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1400504610 | 1400582095 | t3_25xryf | t5_2to41 | 12 | KeyLordAU: TIFU by putting being an impatient fool and putting my last beer in the freezer.
Basically as the title says. I got home today, and realised I only had a single beer left, sitting in my room. So I put it in the freezer to quench my thirst a little sooner.
When I came back to it a while later, I got it and opened it up near my keyboard, and the fucker froze over instantly (stealth frozen) and exploded everywhere, I got a bit on my keyboard but I was quick enough to unplug it and hit it with a hair dryer to stop it from fucking up.
Tl;dr, Put my beer in the freezer and almost destroyed my keyboard.
^the ^reason ^why ^I ^was ^so ^quick ^with ^the ^hair ^dryer ^was ^because ^once ^^jizzed ^on ^my ^keyboard ^and ^it ^took ^hours ^to ^save ^it ..but that's a story for another time
Diarygirl: I feel your pain because I've forgotten beers in the freezer. A good way is to put a way paper towel around it and put it in the freezer for like 5, 10 minutes. Good on you for quick thinking and saving your keyboard! Now you've got to tell the jizz story in another TIFU!
cuntmonkay: my dad had a few 700ml bottles of beer blow up it the freezer. they wrecked $500 of meat
| 3 | 4 | |
1400518651 | 1400598683 | t3_25ycqo | t5_2to41 | 4,401 | linty2: TIFU by accidentally getting high before my AP tests
So, I was on my way to take some AP tests and better my future and get college credit. It just so happens to be one of my friends birthdays, and he asks if I would like a brownie. I like brownies. I ate his brownie. Well, it was a special brownie, made with extra "love". Well, it hits me right when I start to take the test. For my essay, I wrote an analytical essay as to how the song "Jimmy Crack Corn and I Don't Care" is stupid because if you really didn't care, why would you write a song about it? Fml
Freesteeze: Pay to get the written packet back for $10. We want to see it.
Boathead96: We'll reimburse you with interest
snipdawg: Op Listen to them ^
Dewyna: please!!
The_Man_in_Black_: OP MUST DELIVER
bdryer94: op pls
fractalLifeForm: I will give OP gold if he delivers.
Broue: me too, double gold!!
delgadoalex95: TRIPLE GOLD!
I will have to buy good thou to give it to him, but I WILL DO IT!
satannik: 4x gold!
AnonymousJerker: Shit, why not? Make it 5 months of gold. We'll give you five months of gold for scans of that test.
imsatansbitch: Make that 6 months.
chadjjones89: 1 year and 6 months gold. I NEED to see this, and I'll give a year of gold for it.
certified_toaster: All of this gold. The op must deliver!
RightInTwain: This dude is going to be the most gilded ever if he delivers...
AnonymousJerker: That's a big if.
| 17 | 258.882353 | |
1400494960 | 1400520055 | t3_25xj8u | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by being ill
So happened yesterday but still dealing with consequences.
So this weekend has been awesome for weather in Britain - it's been hot hot hot!
At the same time my body decided to be a bastard and I came down with a vicious cold on Friday - meant I was sent home from work (work as a doc so you gotta be ill Ill to be sent home).
Saturday comes around and the plan was for my SO and me to travel to London for a get together with her friends. I wake up feeling like crap but because I know it's something important to my SO I get up, shower and get my smarts on for the trip.
All is going well and we are on the train - it's about 2 hrs to London - then we here an announcement that due to an accident the service has been cancelled, we had the option of waiting in the searing sun for a "possible" space on the next train an hour later or to go home.
We choose the latter cos we don't want to waste such a nice day and so we return home and have a really nice day with each other!
Then yesterday we had planned for a chilled day and to visit the Norfolk broads to enjoy the sun. (Backup plan was just to sunbathe in the garden and do nothing)
Again I woke up feeling like shit with a headache aswell so I popped some pain killers and slept it off for a couple of hrs.
I wake up feeling better and go to see my SO who is sunbathing outside. She is very quiet, not wanting to speak to me, not wanting to acknowledge me.
I ask time and again if there is anything I can do or if she wants to go out for a walk or to go to the broads as I'm feeling better but all I get is a "no" or "it's too late" (it was about 2pm - only takes 30 mins to be there).
So I just accept defeat and I try and lay out with her reading a book trying to be helpful when possible etc as I know something is up, whilst all this time sneezing and feeling rough.
This lasted all day and then in the evening she accuses me of not wanting to spend time with her and that she might aswell have spent the entire weekend alone! Even this morning she ignored me, still being quiet and wouldn't let me kiss her goodbye to work or cuddle her over night!
So because I was feeling sick and decided to sleep it off my relationship is now on the rocks!!
ACreepyThrowaway: Sounds too needy. You didn't do anything wrong, OP.
[deleted]: Thankyou for that
| 3 | 2 | |
1400520477 | 1400522941 | t3_25yfpy | t5_2to41 | 5 | 1stAchaeon: TIFU by not checking my phones google settings.. slightly [ NSFW]
So today I was feeling the need for a quick wank, so I downloaded some pictures on my phone as I went to the bathroom to get things taken care of.
As I was extracting the files (it was in a zip file apparently) so I could put them into my "vault app" on my phone, but as I saw a new icon up in my process bar on the phone. It said "Uploading backup of photos to G+," immediatly my heart started racing, G+ is where my class in college keeps connected. I picked up my pants, ran to my computer, went on G+ to look for any uploads. There they where.. they were only up for a couple of seconds, but I deleted them all. They seemed to be on my "timeline" as they were uploaded.
Hopefully none from my class or G+ friends see these uploads, incase they do I need to find a quick backup story...
ferthur: The Google plus photo backup goes into a folder only you can see. In fact, it usually tells me 'new pictures available to share' or something like that.
1stAchaeon: well, considering that I could see it on my own timeline it really made me panic, so decided to delete it all.
But since it didnt share them, I guess it wasnt as much a fuck-up than a scare.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1400522259 | 1400862538 | t3_25yiud | t5_2to41 | 943 | [deleted]: TIFU by having loud, drunk sex with a girl I barely know at my parents' house. They promptly kicked me out.
Let me preface this by saying that I'm 23 years old and still live with my parents. I know, I'm a loser.
I was at the game one of the Pacers vs. Heat Eastern Conference Finals. After we won, this girl I've been texting back and forth with for a few weeks hit me up to grab some celebratory shots at a bar down the street. A few shots became a lot of shots. About 11:30pm (We'd been drinking since 3:30pm) we decided to head home. Our driver wouldn't take the girl home because she couldn't remember her address. I said "fuck it" and told her she could just crash at my place and we'd pick up her car in the morning. We get home, I show her to my room so she can crash, next thing you know we're banging it out.
I thought we were being quiet, but I'm sure we weren't. Unbeknownst to me, my super religious dad (who normally sleeps in the basement) is sleeping in the room right across from mine. The sex was getting pretty wild when all of a sudden he comes barging into the room screaming at me. I covered the girl up and quickly threw on some pants as my dad continued screaming about how premarital sex is a sin and I'm morally corrupt. Now the whole family is awake yelling at drunk, half-naked me. I tried to stick up for myself and told my dad he was full of shit and overreacting. He told me to pack my shit and get out. I went back into my room to get my stuff at which point this girl started making out with me again until my dad broke it up.
My sister drove this girl 30 minutes home at 1:30am and I ended up sleeping in my car. Fuck me, right?
TL;DR I got wasted and banged a girl out at home so my crazy conservative dad threw me out of the house.
footballfutbolsoccer: Wtf how are you a loser for living at home at 23?
[deleted]: If you're not in college, you are a loser for living at home after the age of 18.
footballfutbolsoccer: That's retarded
[deleted]: I think you might be over 18 and still mooching off your parents. Grow up and move out.
[deleted]: How about mooching the state?, grow a pair and start a business, and then grow another and become god? yeah why not? atleast that's what your country brain washed you to do. cough patriotism sorry
[deleted]: You are a dumbass. Never said anything about patriotism. Grow a pair and live your own life like a real grownup is what I'm saying.
[deleted]: i am so inclined to believe a grown man, but i know better than to trust a lazy lying american. don t you have to bomb irak or something at this hour?
[deleted]: Don't we have to save your country's ass again or something?
[deleted]: you think you're Germany or something? or your small gonads want to invade again?
[deleted]: Nope. Not from Germany.
[deleted]: i meant you re not Germany(stopping to help Greece ). only thing you re good is to nuke and lie like a little immature kid.
[deleted]: Far from a kid. Unlike you, I have my own home, own kids, own life, and I don't expect my parents to keep me up.
[deleted]: wow the other phrases just passed right by you didn't they?
[deleted]: Not worth responding to.
[deleted]: ofc because Strong America.
and because because you need explain to a kid from another country what a man you are and that you own a house and a wife/ are you not sure you are a man? that you need to explain this to me? it s confusing
please sir. there are kids wealthier that don t even look and talk about what they have<(not own from their parrents). it s just rude and stupid to be emasculated by some silly house and a wife
[deleted]: You make no sense to me at all. Move out of the house after you turn 18 and make your own life by yourself or with your own family. Quit mooching off of your parents. I don't know how much clearer I can make it.
| 17 | 55.470588 | |
1400522795 | 1400532838 | t3_25yjqk | t5_2to41 | 30 | LavastormSW: TIFU by not reading the weather forecast and then going out for lunch.
I left to bike to work today at 8:30ish and it was misting. Started drizzling on my way to work and didn't think much of it. I get there and it's still raining, so I'm hoping that it'll let up by lunch time. Unfortunately, it didn't. It was coming down harder, but not too hard, by the time I went to lunch (only a couple blocks away), so I figured 'eh, what the hell, I'll go anyway.' Since I didn't know if the sandwich shop delivered or not (they do). Now, I'm only wearing a light sweater and obviously didn't bring an umbrella, so I get there and I'm a little damp. Still fine with me. However, half an hour later when I'm done with my lunch, the rain is coming down so hard the drops are cause water to jump up wherever they hit. There are rivers running through the streets and lakes in every divet. It's bad. I hurry back to the office, but now I'm soaked and wearing wet jeans, which everyone can probably attest to the fact that that's the worst thing to get wet. And my light sweater just made it worse, so that's hanging up and drying. So now unless the rain lets up by 4:30 I'm going to be biking or walking home, wet and miserable. Ugh.
Quick experiment: while reading this, what did you picture me as? Gender, race, age, etc? I'm actually a 21 yo white female in college. I'm curious what you thought of me as, going off of the lack of personal information in my story.
FDD1_S3nt: I pictured a mid to late 20's male with a well groomed beard. The beard was trimmed short, but not down to stubble. You had dark brown curly hair (it was more jheri curl when it was wet, but became more more Jew-fro as it dried).
The sweater was a blue sweater-vest with two vertical white stripes going down from the mid-shoulder. I pictured you hanging it on the shower-curtain bar at the office (there is probably a Gym through the second door of the shower/locker room area).
I pictured Chuck Taylor style shoes. They were red when you were pedaling, but light blue, when you were indoors. You took them off to dry when you got back to the office, and placed them (and your socks) on the bench of the shower/locker room.
I pictured some kind of Silicon Valley startup. Lots of Apple computers and Skinny Jeans, although your jeans are more relaxed fit. They are a mid-dark wash and a little long. The ends are frayed from walking on them. The building was an old brick building in a neighborhood that seemed to have many tech startups. Like it had just enough money to afford the building, and was still struggling to keep the lights on.
Your bicycle was yellow. It is a hybrid or urban style bike. You didn't bother locking it up at the Sandwich Shoppe (that is how I pictured it painted on the big picture window on the front of the eatery). But when you got back to work, you locked it up to one of those [Bicycle shaped bike racks](http://www.peml.com/data/uploads/bikeracks/bikeracks_bike-shaped_sub_image_2.jpg) with a U-lock on the front and a cable lock that went around the back wheel, through the bike's saddle rails, and then wrapped around the frame twice.
LavastormSW: That is remarkably specific. Either you just described a movie somewhere, you decided to just write a bunch of prose for a description for shit's and giggles, or you go into this level of detail for each and every story you read. I'm not sure which one is weirder.
FDD1_S3nt: I don't really go into this much detail for everything that I read, but the brain does have a way of creating all of these details when reading a story. Your question was what made me think about it. At first, I just though it was interesting that I pictured you as a hansomly bearded man who worked at a tech startup. But the more I thought about it, the more I began to realize that there were other details in my version that were probably different than actual events.
LavastormSW: Hah, I appreciate it that you thought I was handsome ;)
| 5 | 6 | |
1400520793 | 1400530144 | t3_25yg9q | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking a smoke break.
I work the overnight shift. It's a great shift, mainly because I'm the only one there at that time so I can pretty much do whatever I want.
Last night, I started by filling the water jug for the humidifier. It's a 5 gallon jug and takes about 8 minutes to fill. Instead of just standing there watching it, I set a timer and go about my business.
Well last night was extremely slow; there was absolutely nothing going on. So I get excited, "Hey! I actually have time for a smoke break tonight!", I think. The cigarettes are in my car so I grab my keys, a jacket, and my cell phone and head out there. I grabbed a cigarette and enjoyed it on a park bench by the duck pond. I also called my husband to see how his day went.
After 10-15 minutes, I begrudgingly go back inside to get some work done. I enter the lab and there's some very loud alarm going off. "Oh shit!", I think, "the water jug!". I run over there and sure enough, it had been overflowing for almost 10 minutes. I can't believe that I forgot I was filling it...
I step back to survey the damage, and there is water absolutely everywhere. Behind the instruments, covering electrical wires and cords, spreading out into the main hallway...water everywhere.
I grab a handful of towels and start trying to dry things up, but I'm especially nervous about going near the electrical cords and not making much progress. About that time, security shows up and wants to know why there is water raining down through the ceiling on the floor below me. Ummm, fuck. I try to come up with something that doesn't implicate me. They specifically asked me if I left the water purification system on and then forgot about it (apparently that's happened before). I say "No, of course not!" and walk over to "check" the water system. That's when I say "Oh my god, this thing is dripping. It must've been doing that all day because I haven't used it and it just took this long to notice!"
I think he bought it, but I feel bad. Especially since they just finished completely remodeling the lower level and now they're going to have to at least replace the carpet again... Oops.
Hey, at least nobody got electrocuted. They brought a big water vac thing in and I watched them clean up the mess. :-/
Kyerswa: There's a good chance someone you work with goes on reddit.. Might want to take this one down to save your job
freedomcominthrough: are people really that shit today?
threela: Not today but maybe tomorrow.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1400521657 | 1400615742 | t3_25yhtb | t5_2to41 | 17 | Millsself: TIFU by crapping myself at gym, slightly NSFW
This happened a while back, i was probably about 14/15,i'm coming 17 now so a while back;
so first a little background knowledge. I have the hairiest legs/ass ever (male just in case you're wondering), something that doesn't really bother me, however if anyone has a hairy ass, they'll know, you have to clean that motherfucker so thoroughly, after a crap if you don;t want any problems and my problems i mean dingleberry problems. It's basically hardened turd attached to the hair. So anyway I researched about shaving it, it was pretty long ago but i remember one website had some foreshadowing going on, like "nature has a reason for everything" or some bullcrap. Anyway I ignored and after a long shower session, an old razor blade and some uncomfortable stances, i had shaved most of the hair around the anus region.
That was that, i only seen benefits from there on, mainly, taking a dump was much more comfortable. So i continued as normal, however leg day was upon us. So that day, i thought nothing of it, ate, went out to the gym, started with some warm up squats. Then I went to use the leg press machine where i would always go heavy and to failure. Usually i did triangle sets, so 10 sets, first set, 10 reps, next 9 reps, next 8 and so on increasing the weight as i did each set. Well... it was about the 5th set or so, i was pumping out 5 reps at a pretty heavy weight (for me at the time). Each rep, i was squeezing my lower muscles... when suddenly i smelt a fart like smell. At this point, some people had walked past, so i though it was one of them and passed it off and continued my next set. However as they had left I soon came to the realisation that it was me. I panicked slightly as I stood up to go to the bathroom, doing that cliche walk, but trying my best not to make it noticeable. I got to the bathroom and it was free, thank god. So i went in to one of the cubicles. I forgot to mention this this gym was pretty small, part of an old sports centre, and the bathroom weren't the nicest. So in this piece of shit bathroom, I evaluated the damage. Luckily I hadn't full blown crapped myself, but there was at least a couple inches of turd extruded out and my pants looked as if I had proper crapped myself. So i lifted up the toilet to let this beast free to find someone had recently let their demons out. The toilet had a turd floating there. kinda gross but i needed to do what i needed to do. I flushed and then got to business. after taking a crap, i whipped (hassle free(the only good thing to come of this)) and then tried to clean the skid marks up. This was an arduous task and to make it worse, the fucking toilet roll dropped into the toilet. So I went to the next stall and got some more. It took a tonne of roll of try and clean my boxers but i finally got some what of it done. So i flushed, just to get shit on even more, there was too much toilet roll and it overflowed something shocking. But i was done, my business was finished so i bounced, left that motherfucker. So i decided to call it a day and head home and on my way out i went back to the toilet (I don't know why, i felt we had a connection after all we'd been through) and passed the cleaner who was just leaving. He had cleaned the toilet, that abomination of piss/turd water and turd covered toilet roll. I felt bad, but giggled a bit. I truly fucked up. I have never shaved my ass sense.
TL;DR :I shaved my ass, then went to gym and worked legs and ended up in a huge poo related adventure
Moral: don't shave your ass and go to the gym without taking a crap
tammerlian: how would you not shaving your ass have made a difference?
Millsself: turd would have more resistance/friction i guessing, that was the only thing that made sense at the time as it's never happened again after.
ThatsSciencetastic: If that was true women would be leaking all day. Shit doesn't even touch hair until it's already outside your anus.
I doubt this actually happened but if it did I'm sure shaving had nothing to do with it.
Millsself: I assure you it actually did happen, you're probably right though, shaving probably doesn't have much to do with it, but it was too much of a coincidence to me #neverforget #longliveasshair
tammerlian: it slid out on the freshly shaved butthole skin like a little boy on a slip n' slide
Millsself: exactly!
| 7 | 2.428571 | |
1400522606 | 1400529494 | t3_25yjfc | t5_2to41 | 35 | WhiteLightningSC: TIFU and asked out my recently promoted boss
So I always kind of liked this one girl that I worked with but never felt like I should ask her out because we work together. Recently she got a promotion that put her up as the person who does half of my schedeule. This still hasn't really hit me that she now works above so I still continue to flirt with her. I started to get really caught up in it and then kind of asked her out. I didn't get a reply at first so I let it go, until half an hour later where I brought it back up. She replied with "I only date men". This got me to ask her what makes a person a man. She replied with a couple of things I could approve with but then said "A man is someone who lives on their own and doesn't rely on their parents". Now I may be living with my parents but thats because I recently finished my freshmen year of college and it's now summer break. Either way it still felt like a pretty big blow towards me but she said it wasn't aimed at me.
SirLenzalot: I thought this was going to be about her being turned off by the fact that you asked her out just after she got promoted- thus getting favors done by sleeping with the boss.
WhiteLightningSC: She's not that high up on the totem pole. I'm a host and she got promoted to Head Hostess.
jasonmerch: I'm gonna have to agree that she seems like a royal bitch. There's no need for all that shot. If you're in college and staying with your parents, that's perfectly acceptable. That doesn't make you "not a man". I'm sure she'd date a guy that lived with his parents if she thought he was cute enough. As for cutting your hours because you asked her out, I'm pretty sure she can't do that. I know she didn't but still, she can't. The only way you'd get any disciplinary action is if you sexually harassed her. I asked my superior out where I work and now we're married. It just seems like you picked the wrong girl to ask out. Girls can be weird like that.
WhiteLightningSC: I should also mention I'm older than her
Montylovesbindys: Does she still live with her rents? Bc if so thats ridiculous
WhiteLightningSC: she moved out right after high school
| 7 | 5 | |
1400524634 | 1400598500 | t3_25ymsf | t5_2to41 | 959 | mgeister: TIFU by asking a strange French woman if I could fuck her
I was in France and my French wasn't very good. I was trying to be polite and do that French thing where you kiss someone, even a stranger, a few times on the cheek. I was being even politer by asking their permission to do so (which was stupid) so I said: "Est-ce je peux te baiser?" Which means, "Can I fuck you?" What I meant to say was: "Est-ce que je peux to donner un baiser." Which means "Can I give you a kiss?"
So what I learned is that in France the same word - baiser - used as a verb means 'to fuck' while used as a noun means 'a kiss.'
Meanwhile, the young woman, noting the utter absence of irony on my face and my horrible accent, gave me a wry smile and said, "Bien sur." And she pecked me on the cheek.
The friends I was with then delightedly apprised me of my lingusitic faux pas and I naturally cringed with humiliation. I would never in a million years pose such a question to anyone, much less to a stranger that I'd never met before.
kabukicho69: So how was the sex?
mgeister: It was great, thanks. I never did have sex with her, but I did with another French woman from Grenoble and it was yummy.
kabukicho69: I love having sex. People in Europe are so much more liberated about it.
mgeister: You're not alone. A lot of people seem to enjoy having sex. It seems to give them pleasure. And yes, Europeans seem to enjoy it more than most. I have lived in Europe for a number of years and have had sex with a number of European women, all of whom seem to enjoy it, as do I.
theBigBadWoof: Weird americans ...
ChueyGumdrops: > Weird *conservative* Americans.
Fixed that for you.
FiftyCals: Pretty obvious you don't know any conservatives, and base your opinions off popular media. Too bad really because there are good times to be had.
[deleted]: I don't know which conservatives you are talking about, but the ones I know won't shut up about abstinence.
FiftyCals: There is a difference between conservative and far right Republican.
WelcomeToVault101: > There is a difference between conservative and far right Republican.
These days, not really. Years ago I would have agreed with you but the Republican party and the conservative movement have shifted so far to the right of the political spectrum that Barack Obama seems like a Liberal. He isn't, despite what Fox News and other right-wing media tells people. Just my opinion, though.
| 11 | 87.181818 | |
1400524826 | 1400600618 | t3_25yn4n | t5_2to41 | 11 | TIFUtaw: TIFU my getting my girlfriend pregnant.
Throwaway for this.
Well, today my girlfriend texted saying that she had a test become positive.
I do not know when it happened, we always had safe sex. Plot twist, we're under 18, both of us.
Our parents do not know yet, and damn it's gonna be a rude one.
I'm lost, but I'm ready to assume.
Ouro130Ros: I would seriously consider a paternity test if she goes through with the pregnancy. There is no sense in cutting your life short for a child that is not yours. Your early 20's are awesome, don't throw them away.
comedygene: Selfish asshole. Having an abortiin is a bigger decision than thinking of your free time.
Ouro130Ros: Why? Because there are not enough children in the world who are born to parent's who are not ready for them? Yeah lets shame someone for putting thought and planning into their lives and coming to the decision to not spawning a horde of children with no means to properly care for them. Go fuck yourself.
comedygene: Well thats a better post than telling him to think of his twenties and all the fun he will be missing. Thats a selfish asshole thing to say. That said I place more value on life and resposibility.
Ouro130Ros: One's twenties are when you have the opportunity to build the skills and social connections needed to be successful later in life. What's more responsible? Building a future and becoming a productive and happy member of society, or pissing away your youth and potential raising a child that you didn't plan for.
There are 7 billion people on this planet and that number is growing exponentially. The best forecasts place a limit at 10 before we have serious resource problems. Responsibility is considering your actions and their consequences, making a choice and living with it. If he is ready to be a father then by all means have a child. But he has stated he is not, and if that is the case then scraping out a dime sized clump of cells before it has the chance to form a consciousness is the best course of action.
But by all means, feel superior to me because you disagree. You clearly have all of the answers based on your considerable experience in your tiny corner of the world. Never mind that others may be coming from different backgrounds and may not have the means and opportunities presented to you that made raising children a legitimate option. Go ahead and guilt people for making a hard decision with care and thought just because you don't agree with the caricature of them you have in your mind. Good for you.
comedygene: Paragraph three is tenuous, but thoughtful post otherwise. Any other names you would like to call me? Im up for a little abuse.
Ouro130Ros: I don't believe I have resorted to name calling. Perhaps I have sent a good dose of scorn your way, but in this context I feel it justified. Name calling would only serve to lessen my point and lessen me as a person.
No I will not stoop to that, I do not know you and will not demean myself in order to sling empty insults at you. I will attack your ideas and your stance because they offend me and I will enthusiastically tell you where those ideas may be inserted. However attacking you on a personal basis is useless, unproductive, and boring.
| 8 | 1.375 | |
1400524743 | 1400529255 | t3_25yn03 | t5_2to41 | 34 | spring_azure: TIFU by crying at my friends' wedding
I am a complete and utter asshole, and I'm so afraid that my friends hate me now. It's long, so preliminary TL;DR: I'm a depressed asshole and spent my friends' wedding reception hiding in the woods and crying.
This actually happened on Saturday, and I'm only just now submitting because (a) the large amount of Xanax I knocked myself out with made me half conscious for a day and a half, and (b) I'm slightly more functional at the moment to realize how badly I fucked up.
So this past Saturday, two of my close friends that have been dating since high school got married. It was this really kickass affair -- we're all a bunch of geeks so it was loosely Pokemon themed and held in this beautiful garden with Japanese lanterns, a lot of us pitched in to help set everything up to keep costs down, and their custom vows were so sweet that we all kinda applauded afterwards.
Bit of background about me:
1. I've been struggling with kinda shittily treated manic depression, BPD, and generalized anxiety for the better part of my life. As in a good 16 years or so (I'm in my late twenties.) I'm a broke ass student, so I don't make enough for health insurance, and therefore can't afford anxiety or depression meds (or a psychiatrist to prescribe them) anymore. I do a relatively good job of handling things on my own, but I'm currently doing the Medicare dance where they try to prove that I'm lying so I can use the money for all the drugs and hookers and other stuff us low income people spend money on instead of goddamned anxiety medicine so I can stop having panic attacks.
2. This past semester in school has been terribly stressful. I can't drive because of the anxiety (trying to work on it), so it's a 7 hour round trip to get to school, do all four classes, and then get home so I can go to work bright and early the next day. Public transit in Atlanta is this fuckin' nightmare. So between trying to keep my grades up and having extra duties at work due to us being short staffed and losing people, I've had a few moments this past semester where I legitimately considered just killing myself. Dark, I know.
3. The cornerstone of BPD is this terrifying fear of abandonment. When it's acting up, you eat, sleep, and breathe anxiety as to when the people you love are going to get tired of your shit and kick you to the curb like the defective maggot you are. I'm not being dramatic, I'm being *honest*. That's what it feels like pretty constantly.
4. Physically my hormones and body are out of whack. I've got PCOS/insulin resistance that I'm trying to control on my own since I can't afford the medicine for it, so I've been very low carb/low GI recently. Which apparently makes your body flip the fuck out when you just stop giving it sugar. It's working thus far, as I have a lot more energy, and I was able to help set up/move chairs and stuff before and after the ceremony.
So basically, I've been a nervous wreck for a few months and just very talented at hiding it. Anyway.
So Saturday I showed up early with my plus one (a close friend that I asked out that declined but we still spend a lot of time together/nothing changed) to help setup, and I'd been feeling fine up until we got there. Then my dumbass brain decided it would be a good time to swing downwards towards depression -- which freaked me out because I'm at a *wedding*, I'm supposed to be HAPPY. I try to ignore it, and go try to help -- I actually did do a good bit of helping with getting the reception area set up, and my plus one (we're gonna call him Ted) was *awesome* -- he helped out so much that he kinda took over and told me I could go sit down since I was obviously feeling shitty.
The day goes on and the time for the ceremony draws near -- I made myself not feel useless by manning the bride's cellphone -- and the feeling of being shitty/worthless/out of place among all these happy people just kept growing and growing. I made it through the ceremony, and part of the way through the reception, but I was really quiet and after the dinner/toasts when everyone got up to socialize and dance I snuck off into rest of the garden grounds. My roommate/best friend found me and I kept yelling at him to go away and go dance with his girlfriend, but he wouldn't, and then I just started crying and I couldn't stop. I made sure to go into the deepest part of the garden to bawl my eyes out like an asshole, but my brain was just this fucking litany of "You're worthless and stupid and ugly and fucked up and no one will ever love you because you're all of those things and you don't deserve your friends because you're the kind of asshole that cries at a wedding and why can't you just be fucking happy like everyone else?" And I was also upset because I WANTED to go dance and float around like the social butterfly I can usually force myself to be, talking to people, and I just couldn't make it work.
After awhile I feigned being okay long enough for my roommate to go back to hang out with everyone else, and then I snuck off again an went and messaged another friend that wasn't there about possibly selling me some of the pills he has that can result in a fatal overdose with it being relatively painless and he didn't react well to that, and I just hid in the dark part of the garden until the reception was over. A few friends actually noticed I was a bit out of it when everyone was preparing to leave, and two or three of them asked if I was okay and I lied to the best of my ability (made sure there were no tears on my face and my eyes weren't too red), but I don't think it was too effective. Ended up sobbing and spilling my guts on the way home, and then when my plus one dropped me off my roommate gave me a double dose of the few Xanax I've been holding on to.
So now I'm terrified that the bride and groom noticed and are pissed at me for being shitty on their special day (although I went out of my way to do it in private so my absence was really the only noticeable thing I guess) and that my other friends think I'm shitty for crying at a wedding and I'm sort of afraid to deal with people in general. My roommate is sort of refusing to let me isolate myself, but my online presence has been nil. I'm hoping everyone just kind of forgets I exist. I know they care, and my roommate, plus one, and the bride and groom's roommate assured me that people aren't going to hate me for it and that no one is angry at me, just worried, but I don't believe that and I wish my asshole friend had just sold me the goddamn pills so I could stop wasting everyone's time by existing.
sl1pyro: You need to seek help. Right now.
I am telling you this as someone who relates VERY closely with your situation. I promise you, I swear ON MY LIFE that your friends would MUCH rather see you get help and get better than to see you end your life. If you get treatment, get diagnosed, and get on medication, the bride and groom will completely understand that you had a depressive episode on their wedding which you could not control. Anyone who doesn't understand this in this day and age is delusional.
Please, PLEASE seek help. Zoloft saved my life, and eventually gave me back the courage to ask out a truly wonderful person and improve my life in so many other ways. The side effects were Hell for the first three weeks, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. If you want to PM me for more personal discussion, I'd be happy to.
spring_azure: I have been working on getting help (been diagnosed, tried a million meds, psych ward stay, the whole nine yards -- I've been dealing with this crap since I was 11), but at this point I can't afford to shell out 1/4th of my paycheck for a therapist appointment. I'm just trying to keep a roof over my head. :(
Maybe Medicare will come through? That would be wonderful. Zoloft made me sick as a dog and never worked for me (since you need a mood stabilizer for bipolar disorder), but Lamictal was great. It's the best med I ever took. I'd be on it if I could afford it right now. Zoloft does absolute wonders for some people though, so I'm glad it worked for you. :)
sl1pyro: Medicare can be hit or miss, hopefully it comes through for you. If not, see if you qualify for low-income insurance rates through the Affordable Care Act. Under the ACA, insurance companies have to cover mental health treatment with the same standards they treat any other health issue. It will take a good bit of work, but I'm confident that you can find a plan that will fit your budget.
Whatever you do, don't give up on the idea of treatment. I know the process is much longer and harder for some people than it was for me, but however hard it is, it IS worth doing. I used to spend a great deal of time wondering how and when to commit suicide. Now I spend (almost) the same amount of time wondering how and when to propose to my girlfriend. Obviously, I can't promise you the same dramatic turnaround, but I want you to understand that when I was where you are now, I didn't believe that recovery was real. I thought I would be in that state until I ended it. But recovery is real. Don't give up on it.
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1400525479 | 1400545630 | t3_25yo8v | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling someone I "did" their mother.
You know how it is. You have perfect timing for a joke so crack one.
Turns out she is dead.
I literally feel like the scum of the earth, and rightfully so. I guess he knew I had no idea because he was right back to smiling after.
paxenb: As someone who lost a parent, this type of thing never bothers me. You didn't know! Don't feel too bad :)
[deleted]: Thanks but I feel like I shouldn't be getting the comfort ^^^sob
Jimjohnson9: Naw for real dawg my Dad died a few yeas back and that wouldn't offend me at all. Although I would reconsider it odd if you wanted to bang my dad. Anyway, if someone gets upset over something like this when the person didn't know...they's a biotch.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1400528533 | 1400557667 | t3_25ytjs | t5_2to41 | 28 | Wellooops: TIFU by posting pics of me and my secret gf on facebook
My gf and I work together in the same place. Our workplace is incredibly gossipy and full of drama so when we got together we agreed to keep it secret.
There is this other woman at my work who has taken a strong liking in me. When she discovered that she went on vacation with an other workfriends she got extremely jealous and confronted my gf about it and gossiped about it to everyone. There's another one too who sleep arounds who has a really hot body but is totally psycho who also has aims on me who gets envious too.
Soooo my gf and I went to a wedding together this weekend and we took alot of really great pics together. I decided to post one for my college friends to see, and thought I had put all the work people on another list.
I was wrong.
The ONE workmate I had forgotten downgrade was the very jealous woman herself. She liked it to make sure I know she saw it. I got paniked phone calls from my gf over this but I'm really baked when all this happened and I just can't handle what I should do.
Tomorrow at work is going to be really interesting.
soparamens: Delete Facebook
linxmau09: Lawyer up and hit the gym.
[deleted]: Delete gym, facebook up, hit the lawyer
| 4 | 7 | |
1400530220 | 1400531492 | t3_25ywaq | t5_2to41 | 31 | Daisyhead: TIFU by being honest with a co-worker.
I work in an office environment - a smallish corner of a courthouse. I work closely 4 other people. They're all women, and all but one of them are a lot older than me. Two of them are way too social for me to care for. Always talking to someone. They can be "D" and "C". D is by far the worst; C honestly isn't so bad, but does occasionally want to talk more than I do. Because I'm just not that social - nearly-never in communication. I just don't need it, don't want it. I do participate, though; more than I'd like so that I can avoid getting them ruffled. Because obviously if you're not talking all the time, something is wrong. Fuck off. D is particularly annoying about that kind of thing and feels the need to exposition her entire life, play-by-play for anyone near her, like it's some fucking amazing thing to know about. But I do my best to smile and nod while I think about how much I'd just like to be in a quiet room by myself.
Anyway, a lot of things get talked about up here because downtime is hit and miss. And when it hits, it hits. So some communication about almost any range of topics is bound to happen. Recently, my history of light recreational drug use came up. I'm not ashamed and in the context of the conversation assumed that it was no big deal, just a few heavier things, mostly psychedelic. And never in excess. I've seen drugs fuck people up. It passed from conversation and I figured it was forgotten. I'd forgotten it anyway. Specifically, this conversation was only with D.
Today, though, I worked an involuntary A&D committal. Saw a guy I went to high school with. He was being committed for heroin and crystal meth. He was suicidal and felt like he didn't have a future. It was goddamn depressing. I just wanted to stay in my office and not be bothered after seeing this guy.
That being the case, of course D comes into my office and starts talking about something. And I'm just not able to pretend like I'm paying attention to her. I really do try, but she stops talking after a few minutes to ask me what's wrong. I reply with, "I'm just kind of worn out." She basically says, Okay, and walks out.
A few hours later, C comes in asking me if I told D that I do coke. My immediate response is "no" because I hadn't remembered that conversation with D discussing my drug history. After a few minutes, I realize what's happening and start to get angry - both at myself and at D for being that fucking petty. Like, really, I can't stand to listen to your stupid shit ONE day and you assume it's because I'm strung out? Fuck you, you stupid old cunt.
Anyway, that's where all of that stands right now. No clue what kind of conclusion I'm looking at. The boss doesn't know it yet. I'd be out of here if that were the case. But it's not impossible. I could lose my job over not giving a shit about the mundane details of some 60-year old woman's life and for previously believing that I could be candid with the same person about my past.
TL;DR: Some old hag I work with thinks I'm strung out on drugs because I'm not interested in her life while simultaneously letting her know that I'm "worn out".
ChicBrit: If its gets to your biss deny deny deny. It's her word against yours and it sounds like everyone knows she's a gossip. And gossips almost always embellish.
As for putting up with her daily you have my sympathies. In a small office, women like that are extremely tedious. I'm similar to you, happy to chat a little but often prefer to keep to myself. I manage by being sweet and chatty some of the time, at the end if the day we all have to get along. But I put my i pod ear phones in when I want peace n quiet. My colleagues now know when to take the hint!!!
Daisyhead: Yeah, denying is definitely the way to go here. I'll be keeping my stupid mouth shut about personal things in the future, too. Really hoping this doesn't come back to bite me.
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1400516631 | 1400532402 | t3_25y9gc | t5_2to41 | 52 | ConorN93: TIFU by playing Russian roulette with my underwear and losing.
Story begins here children.
For the past few days I've been suffering quite a bit with IBS, so I took some laxatives to try alleviate this, this was a couple of days ago.
Well everything is moving along just fine a few days later again so I assume nothing of it and carry on like the almighty laxative has done it's job.
I was wrong.
Today I was waiting for the peasant wagon home and thought I'd chance a fart as I had already been moving the poop train to toilet town quite well recently.
Oh boy was I wrong. I risked it and this poop cannon had a full barrel. I felt betrayed by my own bowels.
I walked like John Wayne over to the pub across the road from the bus stop and cleaned up the betrayal that had been left behind.
Kowzz: Ha-ha.
The way you worded this story really turned a boring TISMP story to an entertaining tale that provided me with a few chuckles.
ConorN93: Hahaha thank you. As stupid as it sounds; I like to practice my creative writing every now and then.
| 3 | 17.333333 | |
1400530211 | 1400710940 | t3_25ywab | t5_2to41 | 93 | cantdothisany_more: TIFU by swallowing my great aunt's ashes
A few years ago, my great aunt passed away. To honor her life we organized a huge weekend-long party in her name, rather than a dreary funeral. Two days of revelry culminated into my entire family gathering out on a boat, each with a small bag of her ashes. One-by-one, we shared a fond memory of her and sprinkled the bag's contents into the lake near her childhood home.
My turn came up, I said my tearful speech, and dramatically released a palmful of auntie into the murky waters below.
Unfortunately, at that exact second, there was an updraft. A gust of wind that took the lighter ashes and sent them right back into my open mouth. I choked in shock, and swallowed the remains of my auntie.
At least she lives within me..?
staticthreat: Maybe you will get superpowers, did your aunt have superpowers?
somedangedname: Maybe you will get ~~superpowers~~ Kuru, did your aunt have ~~superpowers~~ [Kuru](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kuru_%28disease%29)?
Daforce1: Kuru would have likely been killed during the cremation process. It is essentially similar to mad cow disease and is a prion disease so I would venture to say she is safe
Daforce1: Also unless her Aunt was a cannibal living in Papua New Guinea I would say she is likely pretty safe.
cantdothisany_more: Guys.. I have bad news
| 6 | 15.5 | |
1400526624 | 1400642218 | t3_25yq7w | t5_2to41 | 21 | R4gingT4co: TIFU by drinking cola that definitely wasn't cola.
Important preface: not me, my friend. Not today, a week ago today. LWMFFU.
Sitting upstairs in the backstage shop where we build props and stuff for performances in our school's auditorium, my friend I were hanging out and talking, because there is _literally_ nothing to do during dance rehearsal for a most of the techies, and what else are we going to do, go home? Anyway, I take up my end of the conversation, and my friend decides he's going to take a chug from the open can of Shasta Cola on the table between us. No big deal, right? Techies share drinks all the time. I paused a moment as he raised the can to his lips, tilted his head back, and drank.
Big mistake.
A few months ago, some of the other techies started chewing snuff. That Shasta can happened to be the one that they'd left half-full of spit and chewed tobacco. It wasn't until he had already swallowed that my friend had realized what he'd done.
TL;DR: Friend drank about an ounce of used chewing tobacco and spit. This is why we label things.
EDIT: Definitely more than an ounce.
Shotsfired_: Not many things phase me after being on reddit for a couple years, but every post about drinking chewing tobacco spit makes me gag and shiver.
Username__Irrelevant: > every post
Are there really that many?
Shotsfired_: Yeah I have actually seen quite a few!
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1400532027 | 1400573616 | t3_25yz28 | t5_2to41 | 654 | spicedvagina: TIFU by masturbating [NSFW]
I like to grow/keep herbs and spices etc. Today was the day I was to dry out my Scotch Bonnet peppers. I know right, I must be fun at parties.
As I was casually chopping away, ignoring the packet's 'HANDLE PEPPERS WITH GLOVES' warning, I was thinking about the pretty damn good sex I had the other night. As sex wouldn't be an option for me tonight, I decided I'd whack on pornhub and evade revision for another 20 minutes to fulfill my sexual needs.
Peppers prepped for drying, I scrub my hands and leap into bed to see what the lesbians of pornhub are up to. I'm straight, but sometimes vaginas can be damn hot.
Much like my vagina.
After about 30 seconds of paddling the pink canoe, my vagina started to burn furiously. Tears started to well in my eyes, as the flames of hell lapped at my (not so) happy valley.
Clearly I hadn't washed my hands enough, and the Scotch Bonnet juice was coming back to haunt me.
I whacked on some clothes and rushed to my friend's room (I live in halls at university), and pleaded for a shot of vodka, as capsaicin (natural oil found in peppers that makes them hot) is soluble in alcohol. After claiming the goods and sprinting back to my room, I striped down and sloshed the vodka onto my vagina.
The burning pain is fading, but I am now cuddled up in bed feeling sorry for myself, still sore, and my vagina smelling like a cheap nightclub.
TL;DR - Scotch Bonnet Peppers and vagina do not mix well.
Noneerror: Please be careful with vodka in orifices other than your mouth! Alcohol can be absorbed into your bloodstream in a much higher rate than drinking it. You *are* going to get drunk. You could quickly get alcohol poisoning too.
[deleted]: ...so what your saying is that I can get drunk through my ears?
mad_catmk2: Brb swabbing vodka under armpits
Transfuturist: Armpits aren't mucous membranes, so good luck with that.
mad_catmk2: Damn! How about my nostril?
joestaff: Just pour right into your eyeballs
| 7 | 93.428571 | |
1400508871 | 1400533844 | t3_25xxin | t5_2to41 | 4 | TheSicks: TIFU by losing track of time
This is about a friend, not me. But it's still a good TIFU.
A (f) friend was at her (m) friends house watching movies. It gets a little late - 12pm.
Three doorbell rings and (f) goes to answer it.
It's (m) girlfriend, and she drops her jacket as soon as the door opens.
Butt. Naked.
The jacket was on the floor before she realized her mistake.
Needless to say, she was very red-faced, and pissed that (f) was over so late. She left.
Some one has some 'splainin to do.
halfretarted: 12 am
srtrigue: read again
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1400531526 | 1400539818 | t3_25yy9g | t5_2to41 | 3 | soparamens: TIFU by subscribing to this sub
lostdeceiver: Better now than when you have actual work to do, right?
JonasBrosSuck: what did he say?
lostdeceiver: Something about wanting to stop redditing at work,
but now that he found this sub he wants to read all of the fuck ups.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1400537107 | 1400541238 | t3_25z7t0 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to my high school reunion.
So a little bit of background, I graduated high school 1 year ago and I was not the most social guy around, I went through weight loss recently and some of the girls that I never had a chance with had recently given me more attention so I wanted to give it a shot with them but I was also sort of nervous of seeing all of the people from high school.
The logical response was to drink...so I drank. Waaaay to much. So we were predrinking at my friends' house and we had around 6 shots, which is normally about enough to get a good buzz going, however we were drinking really fast so I did not feel so drunk. We started to go the party but decided it was a great idea to take two bottles in the car with us. There was 7 of us in the van, and we finished the bottles on the way over, I started feeling a bit tipsy but it was fine. So we finnally arrived at the party and it was horrible. All of the people from high school seemed so strange so again the logical response was to drink more to get more social...right? I went over the bar with a friend and told the guy to give a double tequila and a rum&coke. I drink that and my night becomes flashes. So I was walking around, one of the girls which I had recently been hitting off with comes to me and starts talking to me, so my social anxiety kicks in and in a panic I toss down her drink and I tell her that I'l get her a new one and I run off into the party. Around 1 hour later I'm holding on to one of my friends and a tree while being incredibly fucked up. Another girl walks up to me and I gather all my willforce to stand up straight and try to act cool. As she's talking I notice that I feel like puking so I tell her "I don't care about you, leave me alone" out of nowhere, so she storms off. I then proceed to hold on to the tree and violently puke on my shoes and all the meanwhile I break one of the buttons off my shirt. After that, one of my friends' ex-girlfriend started talking to me about how they broke up when I was wandering around the party after losing grip on a tree. I feel more puke. I look at her straight in the eyes and puke in her direction, she dodged it by a miracle and after I finish I look at her and run away. She then proceeded to tell my friends that I had ran away from the party so they left looking for me.
Lost and abandoned by my friends I sit down and smoke while waiting for my friends to appear. I notice I lost my phone and that my shirt no longer has buttons. I look up only to notice one of the girls I had been chatting with look at me straight into my eyes with the look one would only give to a man who has lost everything. I fell asleep. Woke up in my house, with a bad headache and a terrible moral hangover.
unceunceunce: If it takes you 6 shots to get buzzed I think you have a problem.
AyatollahGreatLeader: What? That's nothing! But yes...I have a problem.
| 3 | 2 | |
1400537366 | 1400548569 | t3_25z882 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to run across some train tracks and getting caught.
I was running across because it was faster, there is no other reason and to be honest I've been doing it for years (just not at this location) and thought nothing of it. Today was different though and I should have thought about it a bit longer as it's a statutory holiday I guess the police are patrolling areas like this due to higher foot traffic and as a result I was caught after I had finished crossing the tracks and making my exit.
I walked back to police officer when asked to and gave him my information, standard responses and answered all of his questions. Unfortunately he caught me off guard and I answered him by saying 'Sup' which I feel put a whole negative tone on the conversations.
10 minutes later I get my ID back with a $65 ticket for trespassing which is somewhat minor considering the maximum fine of upwards of $2000 but that's money I wish I didn't have to lose due to a stupid decision. I have no criminal record which is probably why I was given the smallest fine possible even though I fucked up the introduction.
OlmecsBabyDaddy: I work with most of the Class I railroads (the major rail lines) and people just don't take rail dangers seriously enough. They are hundreds of tons of steel moving at up to 55 mph (faster for some remote parts of the country) that cannot stop quickly enough to save your life.
Pharl: Try thousands of tons at 70 MPH that doesn't try to stop until it hits you. You would be surprised how many close calls we have. If we stopped every time we almost hit someone, we would never get anywhere. Lesson to be learned, don't race trains. You eventually lose.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1400537314 | 1400540113 | t3_25z853 | t5_2to41 | 13 | That_Vegan_Wendigo: TIFU by asking my best friend out.
We had been great friends for a lengthy period of time, and I absolutely adore her. I find her to be amazing and am infatuated with her. I have never been closer to anyone or more comfortable with anyone ever in my life, which is odd considering how many long-term relationships I have been in. I can't even really put to words what I feel for her (though I am crazily in love with her), but I made the mistake of "jokingly" asking her out in a somewhat playful manner while were hanging out.
It took me weeks to finally convince myself to grow a pair and attempt it, and after thinking I had a decent shot at it (she makes me feel great about myself, which I guess gave me delusions that I was desirable.) I put too much thought into it, and weighed out the possibilities of the outcomes and their consequences.
"Yes." - I would probably be happier than ever, and really wouldn't have any idea what to do or say after that.
"No." - Direct, doesn't leave much room to be curious and inquire further. Suck it up and drive on.
"Lets just be friends." - A version of "No" that gives a clear definition as to where you stand with no real desire to inquire further.
I figured I had nothing to lose, as either we date, or there is a slight moment of awkwardness and thats the end of that. She is very laid back and considerate, and it didn't really make things awkward between us - that I know of. The response was not one of the aforementioned ones that I had considered, as it felt more like a plea of "Please don't put me in this situation." and while that was the end of it and we carried on with what we were doing, I forced myself to push it to the back of my mind to deal with later, despite my insatiable curiosity to want to know specifics as to why I was given that answer.
Having been no stranger to the friendzone in the past, I didn't realize just how detrimental it could possibly be to me, as I thought I could handle any answer. I have been through a lot of actual serious life circumstances and tragedies and didn't think this would have any possible notable impact on me whatsoever.
She left, and I felt the need to apologize for causing that slightly awkward moment, but I felt I should first analyse it and figure out exactly how I was going to word the apology. The moment I went over the situation and the response in my head, I was overcome with an odd mix of resentment and feelings of worthlessness. I felt like I didn't want to ever talk to her again. I felt confused and rather conflicted, and then my stomach churned followed by the onset of nausea. I manage to run into the bathroom before being hit with intense vomiting, managing to spray my cat and toilet with the first bout. I leaned over the bathtub and started aggressively (It was fucking relentless) vomiting, bawling like a little bitch, and trying to keep the panic attack I was having from affecting the consistent flow of vomit from going into my lungs. I don't know as to what happened afterwards, as I apparently passed out only to wake up some time later and find that I had pissed myself and was lying in a puddle of vomit on the floor mixed with blood (I guess the intense vomiting sparked a nosebleed and migraine) only to find my cat sitting next to my head lapping it up, after apparently tracking it all over the house. (Not exactly r/Aww material there.)
jasonmerch: That really sucks. I've been in a similar situation before. I was head over heels for my best friend. I figured she had to have known and hopefully felt something mutual. I wanted to ask her out but time was of the essence. She was gearing up to go on a six month mission trip. The night before she was to leave I finally worked up the courage to tell her how I felt. She told me she thought I was an awesome guy and we had very similar personalities but she just wasn't attracted to me. It shattered me and it really ruined our friendship. I couldn't even look at her anymore. And every time I saw her with a new guy it tore me up inside. I'm not trying to scare you. Maybe things will work out. Give her time to process everything. Maybe she is weighing it all out. How long ago did it happen?
That_Vegan_Wendigo: Yesterday evening for the asking part, she left a matter of hours ago and within 5 minutes of her leaving the odd physical things occurred. I just finished cleaning up the mess before posting. She knew and I thought she felt the same, but to be honest I am terrified of inquiring any further. I don't know if this will affect the friendship, and I don't think it will since it was pretty much just brushed away after being asked and everything went back to normal after that. Then again, I have a major issue with not understanding the whole situation, so her lack of giving me any further insight about it may cause me to withdraw myself socially. I know seeing her with another guy would utterly devastate me. I did not expect this ordeal to affect me as much as it has, which has me dreading how it may develop. Also, if she is weighing it all out, I would just rather be told "No" as if it is something that has to be thought about, well - I'd rather win by a landslide than a close call in t his situation, as that would never grant any form of security if things had to be "weighed out" and such.
jasonmerch: Hopefully it doesn't affect your friendship. I suppose by weighing it out I don't just mean is he a good match for me or not. Maybe some of it also ties in with where she's at in her life and if she's seeking out any sort of relationship with anyone really. She might be thinking " what if we do date and it doesn't work out? Will we be able to remain friends? " There are a lot of what ifs, etc. But I'm sure you wouldn't have asked if you didn't think she was "in the market". Either way, sorry that you've got to go through that emotional roller coaster. It really sucks :/
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1400539573 | 1400596214 | t3_25zbov | t5_2to41 | 19 | supraman1994: TIFU by telling a girl who just wanted to "have fun" no.
I've been talking to a girl lately that is awesome, super sexy and exactly the kind of girl i like (she even sent me some nudes). I'm in the Air Force, I'm getting out soon and headed back to Washington State (currently living in San Antonio, TX) when i told her that i don't want to be in a relationship because I'm going home soon and her response to that was all she wanted to do was come over hang out with a nice guy and have sex with no commitment...i literally just told her "No, i cant do that" she proceeded to she cuss me out, called me an asshole and that i just lost every chance i had with her. I'm regretting it, now I'm stuck in my apartment alone, posting this and regretting that decision completely...fml
Edit: added why i cant text her and tell her i changed my mind.
TL;DR girl told me she just wanted to have fun since im leaving the state soon for good and i said no.
AnnaBalena: I get that you think you can't text her now because she got mad, but honestly, just try. I mean, you have already accepted defeat. The worst she can do is say no or just ignore you. But she might change her mind, too. Might as well give it a shot at this point.
supraman1994: Well, i texted her...she told me I'm only saying that i take it back because i just wanna get laid and don't actually care so on and so forth.
sidewayzsequence: Well ya.. so? Isn't that what she wanted in the first place? Sounds a little hypocritical of her.
UNLESS! This broad was just saying she wanted to fuck with no commitment and she actually is crazy. You may have just dodged a bullet.
p1co: ^ Probably this.
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1400540457 | 1400551147 | t3_25zd3c | t5_2to41 | 81 | Nolajedi: TIFU by punching my 10 year old nephew in the head.
So, I'm a 23 year old male and sometimes my brother asks me to watch my nephew when he's off of school since I work 12 hour shifts at a chemical plant and have a really flexible schedule. So I get off at 4am and arrive at my brothers place at 4:45ish. I figure I can get a good 3 hours before I have to wake up and play awesome uncle so I hit the couch and crash. Well I start to feel something nudge my hand and wakes me ever so slightly. It think I can feel fur so I assume it can only be one thing. His aggravating ass dog. Now I'm a dog lover, but this thing is more annoying than nancy pelosi's face mixed with Gilbert Godfrey's voice. I tell him to go away about 4 or 5 times until it gets to the point that I've had enough. On the next nudge I punch this dog like he insulted my mom. Expect it wasn't a dog. It was hard and started crying and ran upstairs. Fuck. I just punched the nephew. Upon this realization I jump up to look for the poor kid and apologize and try to make him not hate me for the rest of his life. So I go to his room to find him under the covers crying holding his head. At this point, I feel like possibly the worst human being alive. So he asks me why I did it and I tell him I though it was the dog since I felt fur and he didn't say anything. I apologize about 71 times and tell him we can go see the new Godzilla movie to make up for it. As we're walking to my truck he hits me with it. "I'm sorry I made you punch me Unc". So basically, TIFU by punching my nephew and got an apology for doing it.
ProfessorVoldemort: >I go to his room to find him under the covers crying holding his head.
You seriously meant to punch a dog that hard? Or punch a dog at all?
Unicornsfordinner: I've seen 10 year olds cry for less. Probably scared him more then hurt him.
ProfessorVoldemort: He also stated that he punched as if the dog insulted his mother. Either way, *he punched a dog* (or tried to).
Unicornsfordinner: Good point. If it can't knock you out, then don't punch it.
| 5 | 16.2 | |
1400541014 | 1400609855 | t3_25zdys | t5_2to41 | 43 | NotAHattifattener: TIFU by accidentally showing my coworkers a fisting dildo on my phone
TIFU. I read this thread last night :
http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/25shfm/i_work_for_amazon_at_one_of_their_largest/
... and naturally this morning over breakfast thought it was appropriate to find and show my husband the huge, black, fisting dildo mentioned in the post.
Fast forward to 10am at my desk and I take my phone out to show a coworker a picture of my cat. Unfortunately I didn't shut the browser from breakfast and the first thing I see when I unlock my phone is the Amazon page with the huge black hand/fist dildo. And that's the first thing the three people standing behind me saw as well.
Today is also my birthday.
Tl;dr I accidentally showed coworkers a big black fist dildo on my phone. Today is also my birthday.
CoronaTheBeer: Well that is obviously embarrassing. What kind of people do you work with? Are they gossipy? I would make a joke out of it personally if I am close with the people. That way they are laughing with you instead of behind your back. Good luck though whatever you do and happy birthday!
NotAHattifattener: They're very, very straight and conservative. But in my defence it was my own phone and not my company phone. Hoping everyone is just far too polite to say anything. In a very British way.
CoronaTheBeer: Oh I see. From what I remember from my days in Ireland, the Brits have a good sense of humor. And you are right about it being your phone. I usually have an urge to explain myself, but sometimes it is better to just brush it off and pretend It was nothing. Most people are far too busy to remember something like that for a long time
mangage: nope. nobody is ever going to forget The Giant Rubber Fisting of Monday.
NotAHattifattener: Maybe if Monday was renamed 'Giant Fist Day' it'd be a more pleasant day of the week... Actually. No. Nope. Didn't think before I wrote that.
| 6 | 7.166667 | |
1400540110 | 1400685115 | t3_25zcjg | t5_2to41 | 8 | HooksFourHands: TIFU by having coffee and sauerkraut
I'm in the middle of moving and just spent three days sleeping on somebody's kitchen floor. Today I had to haul all my stuff back across town, so I decided to actually go out and get something to eat so I'd have some energy after spending the last few days subsisting mainly on wheat thins and pop tarts.
So I go to a diner a few blocks away from where I've been staying. Order a reuben. Waiter asks me if I want coffee. Sure. I'm dead. Why not. My table is right next to the little coffee station thingy, and every time the guy goes past, he refills my cup. I must have had at least four. Add that to the reuben full of (and I mean full of. There was more of it than there was meat.) sauerkraut and it's a disaster waiting to happen.
Cut to an hour or two later. I'm laden with stuff and checking into a cheap motel/hostel-type place I'll be staying in for two weeks. Suddenly have overwhelming urge to shit. Guts rumbling. The colon demon has awakened. Must...clench...ass cheeks. Cannot...shit...pants..at reception...desk.
Make it upstairs, find room, drop stuff. Room is right across from bathroom. Glory hallelujah.
And now, dear TIFU friends, I must be off to deal with another bout of whythefuckdidIdothatitis before we have to reset the counter.
Teotwawki69: I think all those wheat thins and pop tarts may have been a major contributing factor to those Hershey squirts.
NancyFuckinGrace: I'd concur, I have to get up at 5 am everyday for work and barely leave time to get dressed so there's absolutely no time to eat anything.
Most days it's a pop tart and I've been noticing my bowel movements becoming "abnormal"
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1400540830 | 1400565276 | t3_25zdo6 | t5_2to41 | 16 | ISuckAtLif3Throwaway: TIFU by Pooping my pants on my way to work
TLDR: Title
So today i woke up at my usual 8:00 to go to my internship a shity company, i normally have until 8:30 to leave, since i need to get into the bus at 8:40 and it's around a 7min walk. So i usually try to everything as fast possible in the morning, i took my Tea as usual and some toast, and went to the toilet as usual, but i guess i didn't "do everything".
So i run to the bus stop and go onto the bus as usual. Felt a bit sick of my intestine but is kinda of normal, it happens to me a lot, and i normaly can hold it even tho it feels super uncomfortable. But today i was felling worst then most days, but i convinced that i could hold it. Until i was in the middle of the journey right and just had one stop before a highway, and i thought to myself, "i can't hold it anymore" (because it was still a 20minutes bus travel and almost 15 minutes to next station), "I need to leave", so i got up and exited in the exact stop, but because i wanted to act (maybe because there is a cute girl that was goes on the bus every day, maybe because i didn't want to people on the bus to think i wanted to poop) i walk very slowly to the other side of the road instead of going in the direction of the closest cafe.
As soon as the bus was out of my horizon i started to run backwards to a mini supermarket (like 7-11?) that had just opened, but in the way I... SHIT my pants, it was a 6-7 Bristol Scale diarrhea and, but i kept walking and got in the store, and went without anyone noticing (at least no eye contact) to the toilet and proceded to try to clean myself, but it was a complete mess and it made a HUGE dark stain in the back of my trousers. Plus i didn't have enough money on my prepaid cellphone card because i was supposed to charge it that day, so I wasn't able to call my mom, so I had to figure out how to get 'Extra' credits via my carrier client support. Finally i managed to call her and tell her to pick me up.
But i still had to exit that toilet wihtout anyone seeing me, was at the point that i some people knocked on the door with i answered "It's occupied", and they made so sarcastically comments like "He must be shitting himself.", so i finally tried to flush the toilet and but i had used a lot of paper to clean myself and it ended up being clogged.
But i didn't care and as soon as i didn't ear anyone near i exited the toilet very calmly and walked outside hoping that no one noticed the giant dark stain on my back.
So i went to a almost empty parking lot to wait for my mother. I had to wait like 10 minutes with the only thing i could think of was possible ways to make people not notice that i had shit my pants. My mom finally arrived i drove me back where i got a bath and changed my cloths.
PS: Fun note, i took my boxers of and carried full of poop, rolled in toillet paper, in my backpack.
GabeLopes: The PS actually made me laugh more than the whole story
esearcher: Me too! OP, why did you keep your poop-filled boxers?
Protagonists: Memories.
| 4 | 4 | |
1400543143 | 1400565062 | t3_25zh9a | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my best friend I'm in love with him.
He didn't say anything back. I should've known better, but I'd rather say it then keep hiding it for another five years. Now I'm stuck in a foreign country with him for another week, totally dependent on him, so that fucking sucks. I had deluded myself into thinking he might feel the same.
Also, it's his birthday.
I'm the worst.
Duff_McLaunchpad: You might have been DENNIS'd.
sammymagz: nurturing dependence, neglecting emotionally ..He may be going at it out of order, but damn it, I praise his ingenuity.
| 3 | 1 | |
1400545374 | 1400564759 | t3_25zkrh | t5_2to41 | 75 | snelfie: TIFU by masturbating in my room without covers
So to describe the situation a little bit, I alone live in a bachelor suite in the basement of my landlords house. When I sat down and decided to start whacking it, my landlords were out so I felt pretty comfortable to be butt naked. I heard some noise after I was into it and figured my landlords had some guests over but all my windows were closed so didn't think it would matter. They've always been good to respect my privacy
I start hearing something else but wasn't sure what it was, sounded like ice coming off my mini fridge (builds up often sometimes makes some noises) but turns out it was some Asian dude fiddling the lock on the door connected to their part of the house. He opened it a bit assessed the situation and awkwardness of me flailing to get blankets to cover my junk and kind of says sorry and closes the door.
The kicker, I was watching porn about getting caught masturbating but this was not what the situation I was into.
I don't recognize this guy at all and my landlords have the place for sale so I can only assume he was looking to buy, it sounds like they've already left but I'm too embarrassed to go outside and look.
**TL;DR** Busted masturbating by Asian dude, landlords probably didn't get the sale, sorry landlords...
Teotwawki69: The twist: they sold the place and told him you came with it.
sexygingergod: > you came ~~with~~ in it. **FTFY**
Protagonists: ;))
| 4 | 18.75 | |
1400543730 | 1400601245 | t3_25zi73 | t5_2to41 | 41 | unicornofseduction: TIFU by finding where the bunnies went....with the lawn mower (NSFW)
Yup. So a couple weeks ago we discovered a momma bunny and some babbys were living in our garden, saw the fur around their hole and could see them down there. Our cat and dog had already terrorized them apparently so we decided the pets couldn't go outside until the moved. So recently we noticed they were gone and could let the pets go out and no bunny corpses showed up on our driveway so we thought hurray they are alright and probably in the woods at this point! Well, about 20 minutes ago I was mowing the lawn to some Rose Funeral...felt a bump, didn't think anything of it due to the bumpiness of our yard. Went around one time, came back and found [This](http://imgur.com/NrwTlol) I feel so goddamn bad :( :( :( there I am one minute listening to death metal and next moment I am feeling like the worst person on the earth over a babby bunny :(.
Drag0n-R3b0rn: Poor bunny. :(
ReihEhcsaSlaSthcin: And it was a babby bunny no less.
HAL-9K: Poor babby couldn't even frigith back. My pary are with the momma.
Username__Irrelevant: Hal, do you have a programming error?
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1400545924 | 1400657745 | t3_25zlmd | t5_2to41 | 192 | AWOLsiren: TIFU by going down on a guy I like.
Last night I was a with a guy I really like . We'd had a few drinks and soon enough the fooling around began (this is not the first time we've gotten friendly). I was nice and toasty; tipsy but nowhere near nauseous or *drunk* drunk. Anyways I get to going down on him, and after a couple minutes, he hit my gag reflex. Before I know it, I get a mouth full of puke while it's still around his fella. I get up and run to the bathroom. Relieved to spit out this food beer cocktail into the toilet. I didn't throw up more, I was never nauseous, completely fine after. I've never had this happen ever before, and I've never been so mortified! The guy was super good about everything. And after a bit of cleaning up, I finished the deed (somehow my little stunt didn't completely kill the mood?). I'm still so embarrassed. I'm sure it was one of the more memorable blowjobs he's gotten...but definitely not in the way I was hoping for.
TLDR; Last night I fucked up by puking a guys dick.
Montylovesbindys: He told all of his friends
AWOLsiren: Right! How could you not tho? I'd consider it hilarious had it happened to anyone but me.
Lehk: I think most guys have had someone puke on their dick at some point
Darken_Rahl1: I've had my dick burned by cigarettes, sat on, kicked, even punched...........but not once has it been puked on.
AndroidImpact: there is a first time for everything
Darken_Rahl1: Please don't put that evil on me.
AndroidImpact: Don't worry but why are you smoking while whacking?
Darken_Rahl1: i discovered that if i take a huge drag right before orgasm , the mixture will make the orgasm 10x better, i've gotten so lightheaded from it ive fallen out of my chair.
Imadreamer1226: Not a smoker, but please someone else verify this.
AndroidImpact: myth busted
Darken_Rahl1: go on....
AndroidImpact: I passed out and awoke 2 hours ago... Maybe I need more practice... or a filter
Darken_Rahl1: Would you say you've found a new habit?
AndroidImpact: Bet your ass I did
| 15 | 12.8 | |
1400547558 | 1400599322 | t3_25zo6j | t5_2to41 | 6 | my_throwaway792: TIFU by shaving ignorantly
[Semi-NSFW, sorry, on my phone, so not sure how to set it as so.]
So, gonna start out by saying I am 15 and male. Kinda a late-bloomer, so I just started shaving in January of this year. Not every day, but often enough to feel like I know what I'm doing.
I decided to give shaving my lower region a try, mostly because the hair was annoying. So I hop in the shower and shave it off. No big deal. Until I get out and dressed.
Holy hell, it itches like crazy. I want to know if this is normal, if I did it wrong, and how long it'll last. (Also, I just shaved like I would my face--apply gel and run razor over it.) I know this isn't the fascinating "shit in my girlfriends pants and blamed it on the dog" stories many post here, but I would like some answers/help. Thanks.
Edit: I'm a moron. I forgot about aftershave. Worked really well; for now, at least.
Tileable: Oh man...one of my friends in high school fucked this up also...and he had to tell his mother and get a doctor to look at it because he REALLY fucked it up.
my_throwaway792: Damn.... what'd he do? Dig INTO his skin?
Tileable: idk, but he was stupid enough to admit he needed a checkup... who tells their friends about this shit? lol
EDIT: ANY OF THIS
my_throwaway792: That's why I tell strangers on the internet.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1400550200 | 1400550828 | t3_25zs5h | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by almost burning my kid to death
So the other day, my kid (4 months) was sleeping so my SO and I decided to play some Boarderlands 2. That day we has moved a bunch of stuff from the living room into the bedroom (our tv, our xbox, and a few other baby related things) for convenience sake. He set up the xbox laying flat and I remember thinking I should move it vertically because it takes up a little less space. It wasn't a big deal so I left it at the time. So the xbox is running and we decide to have a smoke because the kid was sleeping and he'd probably wake up during the game. Set up the video monitor, had a smoke, came back into our bedroom. The first thing I said is "why is my controller on but the xbox isn't?". Then we saw it. The vase if roses I had received for Mother's Day that was 5 feet away on top of a shelf (now occupied by the cat) was tipped over onto the vented side of the xbox. In the same room our kid was sleeping, right under a rack of his clothes. I don't know much about the inside of an Xbox but I know water and things plugged in usually result in a fire. There was no smoke but the Xbox was steaming from the heat and water. Once we calmed down, we realized we were fucked for entertainment. I spent a good hour opening what I could to get some of the water out. No dice. Wouldn't even turn on. I left it vent side down on a towel and hoped for the best. Then the next morning, while everyone slept, I crept into the bathroom with the power supply in my hand. I plugged it in and waved my finger over the sensor. "Ding". As a mother of a 4 month old who's SO is just coming off of paternity leave, with no cable but an xbox gold and netflix subscription, and a baby who LOVES Adventure Time but only on the tv...that noise has never sounded sweeter. Needless to say, it works fine now except it does the "ding" just randomly which is fine by me.
days_like_this: Your baby is only 4 months old and "LOVES Adventure Time" .....am I missing something? How is that even possible, and why oh why are you putting your 4 month old baby in front of a screen?
Unicornsfordinner: He "loves" bright colours on a screen. And I love pooping for 5 minutes and making a bottle which takes up the other 6 minutes it takes for one episode that he watches in the morning while my SO that works midnights sleeps. I'm not concerned with 11 minutes of screen time a day if I can shit and keep my sanity as a new mom.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1400550010 | 1400634085 | t3_25zrw1 | t5_2to41 | 6 | Perplexed_Narwhal: TIFU by leaving my dirtbike on an open path and getting it stolen
I was out at this reservoir near my neighborhood with my friend today and things took a turn for the worst. I just recently started going down to this spot with a few of my friends with my dirtbike. We were taking turns doing a loop around the body of water and would have time trials to see who could finish a lap the fastest. The thing is, my bike kind of shits the bed after being run for too long. It gets way too hot and eventually just idles until the engine dies out. Usually it takes about a half hour to get it up and running again. So today as my friend and I were about to leave, the bike idled and died out right next to the entrance of the reservoir. I had lost my hat a little ways back on the trail and had to go back and get it so I told my friend to come with me. I figured since the bike was dead I wouldn't have to worry about anybody taking it since this area was kind of out of the way from any nearby roads. We get back 15 minutes later and my 2009 klx110 kawasaki is gone and I head home to a pissed off dad. I doubt my local law enforcement is going to find it. So long.
tl;dr: left dirtbike unattended for 15 minutes after the engine died and someone wheeled it off to who knows where
sidewayzsequence: Damn, that sucks dude. Could one of your "friends" known and swooped it?
Perplexed_Narwhal: I don't think so, they would have had to have known that we were going to be walking away from the bike when we did. I think it was just pure coincidence. Someone was walking down the trail to go for a run or fish and saw a free dirtbike just sitting there. I feel like an idiot for leaving it there.
| 3 | 2 | |
1400539754 | 1400796514 | t3_25zbyy | t5_2to41 | 24 | fischerandfischer: TIFU by damaging a customer's car at my valet company.
I work as a valet dude for The Mayo Clinic and as our day ends, we stage the cars at the front so the customers can easily pick up their cars. I do this at the end of every shift, four days a week. Today, I was backing the car up into it's respective spot and CRUNCH.....
FML.... The lady comes out (I figured she would notice the damage, but she doesn't, so I have to bring attention to it). It's so cringeworthy at this point and as she goes to hand me the $3 tip, I told her I can't accept that and that I had to show her some unfortunate news that had developed.
She isn't too upset and is more surprised than mad. However, the company's policy with causing them money on claims is a fickle bitch... Pretty sure I'm gonna be fired as this happened to 3 employees before me...
So yeah, that's how I fucked up today!
TheMemeRepo: OP you need to seek medical attention!
Request time off for your on the job injury.. If you file a work comp case saying you were injured in the accident you can sue if they fire you.
Moruitelda: This is idiotic.
TheMemeRepo: so OP should be fired and loss his income? what would you fight to make a living for yourself or roll over and be fired on strike one?
Moruitelda: No, he should not file a fraudulent worker's compensation claim in an attempt to use the ADA to extort his employer.
His employer might have shit policies, but that doesn't justify fraud or extortion.
TheMemeRepo: its not fraud if OP is afraid to loss his job... its a shit police and he should have the right to defend himself from it.
Moruitelda: If you report an injury and claim worker's compensation when you are not injured (he said nothing about being hurt until you suggested it) in order to try to use that as leverage to keep your employer from firing you, that's fraud and extortion.
It's a shit policy, but that doesn't give him the right to violate the law in fighting it.
| 7 | 3.428571 | |
1400552787 | 1400565067 | t3_25zw5c | t5_2to41 | 18 | eratru: TIFU by pirating too much
Little background, I'm a modern pirate and won't apologize for doing so. That being said, my internet provider doesn't share the same views as me. So I my mother was sent copyright infringement notices, three times. The latest one was for Agents of SHIELD. The funny part, is that I just downloaded another one, and I'm pretty sure it's from the same person.
JAWheat411: Use a vpn and or a seedbox. Justseed.it is really cheap.
Protagonists: take this guys advice
| 3 | 6 | |
1400553939 | 1400622977 | t3_25zxxo | t5_2to41 | 23 | FriendlyMurder: TIFU by petting stray kittens
I went on a bike ride around my neighborhood and just as I get to a hilly part, I see two kitties chilling on the side walk. "Thank god I can rest from this hill and pet some cats." I hop off my bike and the cats walk right up to me!! I pick one up, but it jumps out of my hands. "Fine, I'll just sit down and let you play with my headphones."
So, I'm having a dandy ol' time until I feel itchy. I look down and there's a bajillion ants around me. So, I'm allergic to ants. It's not super bad, but bites swell up to the size of a quarter and and get super hard and itchy. I realize that an ant crawled up my shorts bit me right near my butt cheek. It hurt like crazy. To make it worse, I had to ride my bike home with a bite on my ass. I get home and I find out that it is very swollen with a diameter of about two inches. It also spread to the area right around my coochie lip. Weird to explain to my fam fam why I was scratching my crotch.
Also, I wasn't allowed to bring the stray kitties home :(
UnkelBewger: Homeless pussy always makes me itch too.
mcandhp: That actually made me laugh. Have an upvote.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1400553984 | 1400638327 | t3_25zy02 | t5_2to41 | 78 | Jockrock: TIFU by having a blue tooth surround sound speaker system in my living room.
My wife was having friends over for a "girls get together". She had me play music with my phone over the blue tooth system in our living room. Little bit layer I was getting pretty bored so I went off my room. After a little browsing in alien blue I decided to visit my second favorite website and commence fapping. My room is located directly above our living room and I didn't realize I had left the blue tooth connected. While I was watching my dirty flick I was wondering why I couldn't here the sound. I figured it was turned all the way down so I turned the sound up full blast. About 10 second later I hear a roaring yell from my wife. I realized my mistake. My relationship with my wife's 4 friends is now irrecoverable. recovering from that.
[deleted]: TIL from TIFU to never ever ever pair any device with bluetooth....
ujeb: don't pair a personal device with a shared one
[deleted]: heh, there are usually 5+ posts here a week that refer to "OMG i couldnt understand why my weird secret fetish unusual porn had no sound - then i heard my Wife/Husband/Mother/Mother-in-Law/Family/Friends/ALL OTHER PEOPLE I NEVER WANTED TO KNOW I LOOK AT THIS scream from the living room where my porn sound/images were playing for everyone to see"... there must be a life lesson in this somewhere?
| 4 | 19.5 | |
1400555741 | 1400896786 | t3_2600ne | t5_2to41 | 14 | Arpikarhu: TIFU- i drenched my mother and had to apologize to EMTs
so this just happened:
i went downstairs to help my 87 year old mother in law into bed.She is a paraplegic and needs help transferring from her lazyboy into her chair and then into bed. My wife usually does this but she is out of town this week. i walk into the living room and she is slumped in her chair out cold sleeping. i start saying her name, nothing. i start yelling her name, nothing. now i am shaking her, nothing. now i start flicking water from her glass on her, nothing. This goes on for a 2-3 minutes and i am freaking out! she starts moaning words and my first thought is that she has had a stroke. i call 911. as i am giving the operator our address, moms eyes roll open and she starts yelling at me! "I am awake, you idiot! what is wrong with you!". then she starts complaining about the water flicking and the shaking. I tell her i was trying to wake her up for a long time and she gets all pissy with me, "i had a hard time waking up, i was telling you that!". last thing she said as i helped her to bed, " at least i wont need to shower tomorrow!". Thats when the ambulance showed up and I had to go out and sheepishly explain what had occurred. My town is super small and now everyone will be talking about the ambulance showing up plus I have at least 2 days of the old woman busting my balls.
sidewayzsequence: Why didnt you just call 911 back when she woke up..?
KeinSnacks: It probably wouldn't have mattered, depending on the state OP lives in.
I'm actually pretty surprised that the EMTs didn't want to see the old lady and have *her* explain things, then sign a release. How it works here in IL.
Source: certified EMT
NancyFuckinGrace: this country is getting ridiculous...
elle_no-elle: Actually it's not all that ridiculous. Unless we have eyes on the patient and can assess whether or not they are in fact stable and get a signed refusal should any kind of shit go south we are liable for it. There have been numerous cases of people trying to refuse care who are not the patients (sometimes with the intent of harming the patients such as elderly abuse and what not). The only cases where we can accept someone else's decision or leave without checking the pt out (at least cursory, vitals signs, general question to ascertain mental status and what happened) is in cases where the person we do talk to has the legal right to make medical decisions for the pt (living wills, legal guardianship, etc.). Even then we still usually do the general check out. Just let them know that they don't get billed for that.
That being said... I don't know how it is in other states but here in Texas we don't charge you anything unless we transport you to the hospital so if we show up and just check you out and you refuse to go with us, no harm, no foul and best of all no bill. Bills usually consist of mileage driven to the hospital, a charge for the level pf care and services rendered. The catch is the foundation of the bill is the mileage so that's why we don't usually charge.
We are told that so we can reassure patients but I don't work in billing.
Source: Certified Paramedic.
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1400555652 | 1400635907 | t3_2600hp | t5_2to41 | 99 | DassHenneZ: TIFU by trying to make deep-fried cheesecake filled strawberries
So, right now, I'm about 8 1/2 months (34 weeks) pregnant. Most food looks insanely delicious in an "omg must eat this NOOOOWWWWWW" kind of way.
My husband and I were house-sitting for my parents, and I saw a recipe for cheesecake filled strawberries, fried in beer/ale batter (I tried to use strawberry ale). The big problem is, I don't have a cooking thermometer, so I wasn't sure how to tell when the oil was ready. I turned my back to the stove, where the oil was heating up, to wash the dishes from dinner. My husband comes into the kitchen and asks if the pot is supposed to be smoking... I turn around to see the pot of oil smoking like crazy, so I turn off the heat and hubs tried to wave the smoke away...making the oil catch fire. I run outside to call 9-1-1, the hubs is trying to fight the fire, and the operator tells me that the fire department is on their way.
I run inside to get my husband out of the house. There's about a foot of smoke lining the ceiling. We run outside to wait by the bottom of the driveway for the fire trucks. I'm freaking out because we can see the fire getting bigger through the kitchen window (from outside). My husband is trying to calm me down, since our baby is still cooking and isn't ready to come yet. He finally calms me down and we see the firetrucks turn onto our street (which happens to be a busy street), and we flag them down to let them know that they're at the right place. They put out the fire and open up windows all throughout the house so that the smoke can vent out. All in all, the entire ordeal--from the pot catching fire to the fire being put out--was *maybe* 20 minutes? Probably less. My strawberries got ruined, though, from the fire-smothering chemicals... And my husband says I'm not allowed to deep-fry anything again for a LOOOOONNNNG time (I happen to agree with him).
What's that line parents always tell their kids when they go out of town? "Don't burn the house down." Well...I only sooted up the kitchen and destroyed a pot and a microwave, so I don't think that counts as burning the *house* down...
TL;DR--Pregnancy craving caused a grease fire in my parents house while hubs and I were house-sitting.
Charyou-Tree: Important tip:
Don't pour water on an oil/grease fire. It will boil and splatter, splashing flaming grease everywhere, making your problems much worse.
Instead, turn off the heat (if you safely can) and cover the pot with a tight fitting lid, or another pot if necessary, to smother the flames, or at least contain them. Leave this closed pot alone until it cools off.
tryptonite12: You can also pour salt on it to smother the fire. This won't really work on a whole pot of oil, but will work on say a pan of bacon grease that goes up.
Piemasterjelly: Or Dirt
Dump a potted plant on it
fdjsakl: or baking soda
JenniferLawrencesBra: I've heard that water actually does an amazing job in putting out grease fires. Dump a glass of water on it.
Luder714: Gasolene actually works better
RIPGeorgeHarrison: No no, its actually the napalm you want to put on.
However, the best ,ifyou have any, is gun powder.
| 8 | 12.375 | |
1400543431 | 1400687996 | t3_25zhqf | t5_2to41 | 5 | Butt_Goblin: TIFU by taking what I thought was LSD
Well reddit, I fucked up pretty bad. Admittedly, it was last night actually. I bought acid from a dealer who I had previously bought from and decided to take it that night. My parents were home but I thought I could handle it without them noticing, considering I've taken it before and had not any adverse reaction to it. With actual LSD, I am calm and generally just enjoy the feeling and am chill. As soon as I put the blotter in my mouth, I knew something was different. It had a taste, which if you've done acid before, you know it shouldn't. It was a bitter taste, but I decided fuck it. Thirty minutes later I started to feel nauseous and generally like shit. I started freaking out, which only made it worse. I called my best friend to come over so my parents wouldn't come to my room and told her to hurry. I then proceeded to throw up and felt absolutely terrible, all the while seeing lights and hallucinating, or experiencing the world in a different way, and having my motor skills extremely impaired, kinda like when you're really drunk. My mother actually came at one point to ask when my friend was coming and I had to feign sleepiness to somewhat explain my slurred speech and thankfully she did not question it, most likely because she did not get a good look at me with the lights off and my face hidden by my covers. When my friend got here, I looked and felt like death. My eyes were as swollen and as red as the devil's dick. We proceeded to watch How I Met Your Mother and she had to put the show on for me because I could not function whatsoever. Thankfully, the gross feeling passed after an hour or so and I actually enjoyed the trip. After about two and a half hours I was able to function somewhat normally, while still tripping pretty hard. From reading other drug experiences, I figured my dealer must have sold me 25i thinking it was LSD. The trip, or at least the most intense part, only lasted around five hours which further makes me think it was 25i. So yeah, I'm not buying from him anymore and if I do ever buy LSD again I am making sure to test it before anything.
TL;DR I dropped what I thought was acid when it wasn't and tripped major balls while hiding it from my parents.
[deleted]: Definately sounds like NBOMe, very biiter, very intense trip.
NancyFuckinGrace: they aren't really that intense
now the DOCtor, THAT'S fucking intense!!
[deleted]: Personal Experience Means Nothing, so i guess my point was invalid. But for me it was the most intense psychadelic ive had, even above DOI.
NancyFuckinGrace: Yeah that's safe to say
Once saw this chick go crazy over less 4aco than I've taken. but it also gave me weird, uncomfortable chest pains.
[deleted]: Ive seen some people become so happy theyve done naked cartwheels on LSD, meanwhile someone on the same dose is crying in a tent because everything hurts. Truly, no two people are the same.
NancyFuckinGrace: True, very true. Almost hard to believe we all came from the same place
| 7 | 0.714286 | |
1400551820 | 1400565626 | t3_25zunz | t5_2to41 | 38 | Ize_done_goofed: TIFU Parents saw sexy texts...
Throw away if not obvious, but today was the inevitable when my parents read my texts.
So I've been dating my GF for the past 13 months, and the past few months we've gotten increasingly sexy, just texts, occasional arousing call/facetime, but mostly descriptions of what we'll do next time we have alone time.
Now, note I'm in highschool and therefore still live with my passive/strict parents. Usually these said textforsations if you will are seldom with time between, but they've been becoming more frequent, never to be seen by anyone. Now where this stops being the perfect crime and becomes a screwup is when my sister is caught deleting her messages and raises the suspicion of my parents. I kept meaning to tell my GF the that these conversations over text needed to stop, but hormones said nahhhh it'll be fine.
Come today we're at the dinner table, my mom was checking my sisters phone, and instead of excusing myself for a various reason to delete evidence, I stayed and played it cool. Lo and Behold my phone's next, I decided honesty was the way to go and as I handed my mom my phone I fessed up....PLOT TWIST she wasn't even taking my phone to look at texts, she was looking to see if I had a certain viral video she found inappropriate. Not having this video I could've gone under the radar and dodge a bullet...alas I sealed my fait.
Surprisingly she was more understanding of the situation than I expected. She said it was a normal temptation that my older brother also fell to but that its still not ok. That being said it was also mentioned I will not be able to spend any alone time with her for a long while, I still don't have my phone back, and my date this coming weekend which my GF and I had specially planned to be special ;) was canceled.
The moral of this story is be careful what you text and delete them soon after.
TL;DR Mom saw sexy texts
Supajin: Your text is stupid hard to read so I just copy pasted it here
| Throw away if not obvious, but today was the inevitable when my parents read my texts.
So I've been dating my GF for the past 13 months, and the past few months we've gotten increasingly sexy, just texts, occasional arousing call/facetime, but mostly descriptions of what we'll do next time we have alone time.
Now, note I'm in highschool and therefore still live with my passive/strict parents. Usually these said textforsations if you will are seldom with time between, but they've been becoming more frequent, never to be seen by anyone. Now where this stops being the perfect crime and becomes a screwup is when my sister is caught deleting her messages and raises the suspicion of my parents. I kept meaning to tell my GF the that these conversations over text needed to stop, but hormones said nahhhh it'll be fine.
Come today we're at the dinner table, my mom was checking my sisters phone, and instead of excusing myself for a various reason to delete evidence, I stayed and played it cool. Lo and Behold my phone's next, I decided honesty was the way to go and as I handed my mom my phone I fessed up....PLOT TWIST she wasn't even taking my phone to look at texts, she was looking to see if I had a certain viral video she found inappropriate. Not having this video I could've gone under the radar and dodge a bullet...alas I sealed my fait.
Surprisingly she was more understanding of the situation than I expected. She said it was a normal temptation that my older brother also fell to but that its still not ok. That being said it was also mentioned I will not be able to spend any alone time with her for a long while, I still don't have my phone back, and my date this coming weekend which my GF and I had specially planned to be special ;) was canceled.
The moral of this story is be careful what you text and delete them soon after.
TL;DR Mom saw sexy texts
Z1Master: Why on this one did I not look down at the comments first.... FML
| 3 | 12.666667 | |
1400559319 | 1400633697 | t3_2605ku | t5_2to41 | 378 | monsterman7: TIFU by being lazy (NSFW)
So some background info before I start. I game alot and enjoy talking to the people I play with on skype and even some other friends I know while doing so. However I hate having to alt+tab every time I get a call from my friends. So, as lazy as I am, I enabled skype auto call accept. This is where skype will automatically answer all calls that I get. Big mistake. A few weeks after I did this I got in the "mood" so I whipped it out. Just as I was finishing I get a call from one of the girls I know. I was paralyzed with fear, and she had her hands over her mouth so we sat their looking at each other for a good 15 seconds before I ended the call. Damn
edit: BACKGROUND
Edit 2: talked to her, she thought I answered on purpose. Told her it was an accident. I don't think she believes me. ( I should probably add she called at the moment of release)
pokerface99: "Sup?"
thatlazydude: OP's dick.
HerpDerpMapleSerp: What's down?
LarrysMod: Her panties
| 5 | 75.6 | |
1400564505 | 1400615755 | t3_260bfl | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally making a typo in an email address when sending a copy of my passport and social security card.
I was sending to a fedex store to print...typed the correct store number but wrong domain, to a gmail account...sigh.
Reversi8: More than likely that email address doesn't exist anyway and you may get a mail delivery failure notice.
bacon_cake: No way, scammers would have registered the addresses long ago.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1400566948 | 1400569740 | t3_260dv4 | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by dropping a laptop
... on my face. So now my mouth is bleeding on the inside. I was in bed (redditing.. what else) when I adjusted myself from a sitting position to a laying down one, lifted my laptop (Macbook Air).. and promptly lost my grip. The edge of the laptop landed on my lip and cut the inside of my mouth. I now have a fat lip from laptop abuse.
narnicorn: Lucky the Air has an SSD
TacticalBurrito: I know, right?
My laptop does not; it has a spinny-platter HD. I have also dropped it onto my face once or twice accidentally while shifting position while watching netflix in bed.
I didn't screw up my face, but the impacts /did/ screw up the drive. It's a ticking time-bomb at this point.
remossful: TIL that I'm lucky that my face was hit by something with a SSD. :P
TacticalBurrito: Always remember - your face will heal (and you may get a cool scar; chicks dig scars), but your electronics will not.
I'm regularly backing up my crippled and dying laptop to an external SSD I bought a week ago. I've learned my lesson about solid-state storage mediums. :)
narnicorn: and external SSD wouldn't be that cheap? especially if it were of large enough compacity would it?
TacticalBurrito: It's a business-card-sized 256G USB SSD, which is far larger than this laptop's capacity. Also, it wasn't all that cheap, either.
Still, since my only link to external drives on this thing is USB, it wouldn't really be prudent to run day-to-day operations off the external drive. Though I've been tempted to.... It's /gotta/ be faster than the failing internal drive. Maybe I'll do an actual test on it one of these days.
| 7 | 1.857143 | |
1400569307 | 1400570558 | t3_260g1s | t5_2to41 | 6 | ziahlord: TIFU by taking a dump in the girls bathroom...
Ok, so here's what happened. I was taking calculus test for my 4th period it was my last period of the day. I realized from the beginning of that class I felt as if I had the urge to use the bathroom; though I know it was my last period I thought I should just push it off and go after school at home. (I was never comfortable with using public BR)
In the midst of taking the test I just couldn't handle it anymore. At this point I was literally prairie dogging it. So I promptly raised my hand and asked the instructor if I can put this test on hold so I can use the restroom because it was a BIG emergency.
I took the pass and I rushed down the hall as if I was running for my life. Once I got there the door was locked and their was a "notice" on it saying, "Bathroom out of order due to vandalism." In my head I was thinking what the hell am I going to do now. I realized the girls restroom was unlocked so I creeped my way in there hustling towards the last stall.
I felt sooooo relieved by then as I had unleashed this demon inside of me. I got out of the stall and a there was girl who had just walked in the bathroom. She looked at me in horror and screamed. I QUICKY ran my ass past her because I was terrified. That girl was a girl I had the biggest crush on ever... I guess I'll never have the courage to ask her to my junior or senior prom... My life sucks....
[deleted]: This reminds me of that scene from American Pie
ziahlord: Mind if you could give me a link to this scene?
| 3 | 2 | |
1400568317 | 1400644126 | t3_260f5b | t5_2to41 | 6 | semma333: TIFU by choosing to walk instead of drive
So I'm a 25 year old girl who lives in a suburb in the greater Los Angeles area. It's a nice neighborhood, I live across the street from a school. I'm watching True Detective and I decide I want to go get a pack of cigarettes. As I'm leaving, I paused at the gate and thought very hard about whether I should walk or drive there.
I thought, it's a nice night, it's right around the corner, I'll just walk. All I have are my keys, my phone, my ID and my debit card. So I proceed to walk to the gas station a couple blocks down the road. They don't take my card, so I have to either turn around or walk to the next gas station a few more blocks down the road. I felt like Forrest. I come this far, might as well keep going.
My lady intuition/6th sense/built in danger radar thing started beeping as I was walking down the road. I saw a beat up white truck pull out of an empty parking lot in front of me. The guy in it stared at me and kept smiling at me, then finally turned right down the road in the direction I was headed. I puffed up my stature, swung my arms as I walked, and put a pissed off look on my face to deter any advances.
As I get to the gas station, I notice the truck is pulled into the gas station. The driver is still in it. I give him a dirty look as he keeps staring at me, go inside and get my cigarettes. I tell the cashier that I'm being followed by the van outside. He looks and tells me to be safe. I leave. As I leave, I see that the customer who was in front of me was walking right ahead of me, a young average looking guy wearing a very indie hipster kind of outfit. I cross the street and walk on the other side of the road about 10 feet behind him.
I see the truck pull out of the gas station and turn left, the same direction I'm going and the same direction he just came from 5 minutes earlier. He slows his truck to look at me and then keeps driving down the road. I'm pissed off. I catch up to the guy in front of me and introduce myself. I tell him I'm being followed by a van and ask if he would mind walking with me for a minute to deter the guy. He says yes, nice guy named Sean. (By the way, I'm not sure why, but a guy wearing skinny jeans and a paperboy hat is immediately a sign that I shouldn't be threatened and that he's probably not a rapist as well.)
He sees the van pass by us again, having looped around I guess. This time I flip him off as he goes by. Sean makes his turn and asks if I'll be alright, I tell him yes. I walk another block or so until he catches up with me again and follows me on my right side, onto a side road. He slows down to look at me, rolls down his window, waves, and kisses at me. I lose my shit. I'm a confident, athletic girl with an alto voice that CARRIES. I flip him off and scream at the top of my lungs, "FUCK OFF! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! GO THE FUCK AWAY, GET OUT OF HERE!" And he finally drives off and turns down a side road.
My screaming caught the attention of several people on the side of the road and a couple people in the apartment complex next to me. They stuck their heads out and asked if I was alright. I told them yes. Walked the rest of the way home and didn't see him again, then finally got to my apartment complex's front gate. As I unlocked it, I looked behind me to make sure I wasn't being followed. I trip on the step and skin the fuck out of my knee.
That's what I get for exercising.
Username__Irrelevant: > As I unlocked it, I looked behind me to make sure I wasn't being followed. I trip on the step and skin the fuck out of my knee.
Moral of the story; always look where you're going?
semma333: pretty much.
| 3 | 2 | |
1400567936 | 1400627920 | t3_260et3 | t5_2to41 | 2 | chesterfeildsofa: TIFU by taking my 18 month old to visit her grandma in the nursing home (long)
TL;DR: she was in the home and we would wake people up when we went to see her late at night, so even though they didn't complain about it and had a legit reason for sending her home, the nursing home decided to stop being nice and let her stay there for free
**Background**
About 2 months ago my mother in law went to the hospital. Her memory had gone from "it's ok, i mix up words sometimes too" to "I don't think she should use the stove anymore". She was almost constantly in pain in various place throughout her body as well. Her husband finally took her to the emergency room where they found a fist size tumor growing out of her brain stem. She has a disease called neurofibromatosis and it causes people to grow tumors in random places, but usually in the brain. They knew she had this since the day she was born.
They gave her the options on what treatment she could have, and sent her home. A week later she was back in the hospital. When they discharged her that time, the only options that wouldn't sacrifice quality for quantity was to put her in hospice care. They gave us morphine and lorazapam for her pain, as well as some other equipment to keep her comfortable.
Her husband is a prick. When all of this started, one night she was crying in the bathroom "Stephen, help" Stephen is her 14 year old son. She rarely ever called for her husband, mostly just Stephen. I think she did this because whenever he had to help her he would bitch about it in front of her later on. I was cooking so I said "Stephen is asleep. Hey John, can you help her?" He was playing a game and said "Yeah" 15 minutes later I sit down to eat, and I can still hear her in the bathroom crying. I went in there and said "Yeah that's just fucking great. I'm glad your fucking game is more important. Just stay there, I wouldn't want you to be bothered" He said something about him having to say goodbye to someone. She was standing in the bathroom leaning against the towel rack and had her diaper at her ankles, but couldn't get them off by herself. He finally helped her, and I was beyond pissed, so I sat back down to eat, though I wasn't really hungry anymore. He came in the room shortly after and said "She's fine, you don't have to get so worked up about it." I wanted to destroy his computer at that point, but instead flipped all the switches in the fuse box and went to the movies. Fucking hate him.
Not long after, she got even worse. She would scream in pain "ow ow ow it hurts it hurt ow ow ow" constantly. We would give her the pain killers, but they stopped giving her any relief. One day her husband asked me to "help" him get her in her wheelchair because she couldn't sit up. That day the hospice people came out to see what we could do at that point because her oxygen levels were really low, to the point where she could have died at any time. They took her to the hospital, and from there she was put into a nursing home. When she was put in the nursing home, the hospital had given her 3 or 4 days. That was 3 weeks ago.
**How we fucked up**
My boyfriend doesn't get off work until around 6 or 7. In order to visit her he would come home and pick us up, getting there around 9 or 10. My daughter gets grumpy when she is bored, so she would cry a lot. There was also a door next to my mother in law's room that went outside. it wasn't an emergency exit, but had an alarm. We set if off around 12 or 1am accidentally 3 days in a row, which really pissed the nurses off. Last night my daughter was extremely grouchy and cried almost the whole time we were there, which probably woke a lot of the old people up.
Today we got a call saying they were discharging her tomorrow. she lost her medicaid and we were in the process of getting it back when she was put in the nursing home. The nursing home was being generous and letting her stay there free until they had it sorted out. I know legally they can't kick her out because we woke people up, but I think it was a big reason they decided to stop being so nice.
The worst part is that she can't be comfortable here. Her husband can't take care of her on his own, whether it is because he doesn't care or he is just useless I don't know. She is incontinent and would lose her bowels all over the floor in their room. What does he do? He leaves it there. There was a trail of dried poop in the hallway leading to the bathroom from their room because he is totally cool with just walking through it and tracking it all over the place. She stopped asking to take a bath here because he had to help her out of the tub one day, and complained about his back hurting for the whole week following, right in front of her. I do what I can to try to help but it's hard when I have a screaming toddler wanting my attention constantly.
I'm not complaining because I don't want her here. It's just she's not going to get cared for as well as she would at the nursing home, and she doesn't deserve to have to spend her last few months walking in her own shit because her husband can't be bothered to clean it up.
XNibiru: Do you work? Your mother obviously doesn't have long to live; I don't understand why you can't care for her properly yourself? Or keep her environment clean and tidy?
I nursed my mother through her cancer (she was terminal) both with a toddler and pregnant (toward the end I was very heavily pregnant).
Mrsjennaferg: This is incredibly insulting to OP. Im sure if she were able to take care of her Mother in law, she would. Not everyone is able to be a nurse to a parent.
XNibiru: Seriously? There's obviously three "healthy" adults and one teenager (and one toddler) living with that poor woman and despite that dried shit is left on and walked through on the carpets? And a dying woman is left to cry in pain covered in faeces?
You're attempting to excuse and rationalise that sort of behaviour?
Mrsjennaferg: OP didn't leave the carpets dirty - she plainly stated that her husband is the one leaving shit on the carpet. He obviously does care for his wife enough to help out. As for the 14 year old son - he should be busy being a child, not having to clean up after his mother... He may want to, but he shouldn't have to see the types of things he probably does.
OP had enough decency to visit often enough to become a nuisance... and has a small child. The disease her MIL has and cancer are two very different things. You shouldn't judge.
It may not be good for her in the home - It may be better for her in a nursing facility.
XNibiru: I stated three "healthy" adults (and one teenager) because, obviously, I was attempting to differentiate between the adults and the minor. My interpretation of the OP's post is of the three adults, only one is employed (her husband). It appears she and her father-in-law are home - both could and should be attending to the poor dying woman (and ensuring shit isn't left on carpets). Yes, of course, a nursing home would much better for all concerned, but as the OP and her husband repeatedly took a crying and distraught toddler into an environment in which people are sick and dying (at 9 or 10pm at night)...and set off door alarms (not once, but THREE times), her mother-in-law is being evicted and must return home as a consequence of their thoughtless and inconsiderate actions.
chesterfeildsofa: Yeah we fucked up by not thinking of the other people there. We brought our daughter because every time my MIL saw her her face would light up and she would be really happy to see her. But we should have really thought about how her crying would affect the others.
| 7 | 0.285714 | |
1400574250 | 1400575795 | t3_260k1r | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by fcking my friends ex
So, I just broke up with my girlfriend. A good friend of mine told me to hook up with a girl because it would ease the pain. So i went to a bar that night when suddenly the ex of my friend started twerking (she can bc she's black) around my crotch. No problem with that. Next morning i woke up with her laying alongside me in bed, nothing happened. I said to myself that this should stop because you don't do a friends ex, right?, especially when she's still in the friend group. A week later we started to drink and dance again and the one thing lead to another. I woke up and there where we, laying naked in bed. That moment i could shoot a bullet through my head. We talked and agreed to not tell anyone because it would fuck the whole friendship. The next day i see the guy's brother and he told me everybody knew that I fckd that girl. No one knows how it leaked. But how the fuck do you explain to your friend you had an occasional fuck with the girl he's not over yet? Now I'm the asshole
Anyone been through this shit before?
geological-tech: Yeah you broke the bro code, your fucked.
thoco: i know, trust me... hell nobody gonna trust me anymore
| 3 | 2 | |
1400576130 | 1400629657 | t3_260lfz | t5_2to41 | 4,691 | Proawaytext: TIFU by telling my mother, girlfriend and 18 year old sister about visiting a prostitute.
This happened on Saturday night but I still haven't faced any consequences; I don't see my family very often but next time we speak it WILL be brought up. Throwaway for obvious reasons. Here goes:
I was out with my recently single friend trying to get him laid with no success. We called it a night and when we reached our respective homes, I got a message from him asking for advice on purchasing the services of a prosititute, knowing I'd occasionally indulged in the "porn star experience" when it was single, so I was happy to share some experiences and a link to what was my preferred website for obtaining said services.
We'd both consumed our fair share of illicit substances that evening and started to have a lot of fun swapping profiles of girls who'd caught our eyes on the site, I began to get slightly carried away and started describing my most memorable rendezvous. I was pressing send after every sentence and at some point, my thumb, my stupid thumb brushed the left of the screen (in the messages app on iPad) and I moved into the wrong chat.
This was a group chat with three of my closest friends, my girlfriend, my mother and my 18 year old sister. As soon as I noticed, I instantly panicked and deleted the chat, in some sort of hopeless belief that it would reverse time and take those messages back. Scared sober, I went to bed.
I woke up to (direct) messages from two of the friends on that chat, one of them concerned, the other finding it absolutely hilarious. Hoping I'd got it wrong in my inebriated state, I asked them both to send me screenshots of what I'd said and the recipients of the messages.
Oh god.
I'd sent them seven or eight messages clearly describing the handover of cash, the exchange of sexual services and the manner in which I exited after the deed. I checked the phone numbers against my contacts and no matter how much I tried to wish them away, there they were: the mobile numbers of my mother, girlfriend and young sister.
My girlfriend returns from her trip this afternoon and I will have to speak with my family at some point. There's only so far claiming to be hacked will take me, so as far as I see it, I'm more fucked than that prostitute.
**UPDATE:** Thanks for all the advice. I'm not going to lie to my girlfriend, but I am going to lie through my teeth to my family.
**I had the conversation. Read the update here: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/266zlp/tifupdate_accidental_prostitute_text_prepare_to/**
tetrahydrocanada: OP is going to need to update this when the shit hits the fan.
kid-karma: he'll probably fuck up and post it on tumblr or something
SIave: Instructions unclear. Dick caught in Google+
Proawaytext: I will edit THIS post, using THIS account. I will make absolutely sure.
BatistaZoop: Glad you shared your pain, I'll be back when the shiitakes hit the pan >=}
eats_shit_and_dies: what a fun guy
Proawaytext: There's not mushroom for those kind of jokes here.
drz400s: Now that's it's on the internet, word truffles fast.
TNGunner: I guess that's the morel of the story.
IronLung420: Gotta be careful not to trip.
SIave: I'm really lichen what I'm seeing here
dinofuji: This is getting mold...
BatistaZoop: I guess this is where the puns reached their cap :}
| 14 | 335.071429 | |
1400580112 | 1400626802 | t3_260oju | t5_2to41 | 92 | [deleted]: TIFU by not being able find her opening
A booty call called me over and we proceeded to do our thing. Halfway through, we transitioned to doggy position. I spent about 2 minutes in the dark, drunk trying to find her opening and ended up not finding it. She goes on to then declare that the mood has been killed and proceeds to kick me out in a jiffy.
_Holic_: Should have rolled her in flour to find the wet spot.
I_like_asian_girls: Jesus Christ...
Username__Irrelevant: Based on the porns asian girls'd probably enjoy it
| 4 | 23 | |
1400585021 | 1400617059 | t3_260q7q | t5_2to41 | 32 | autowikibot: #####&#009;
######&#009;
####&#009;
Section 24. [**United Kingdom**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laws_regarding_incest#United_Kingdom) of article [**Laws regarding incest**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laws%20regarding%20incest): [](#sfw)
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>Incest is illegal in [Scotland](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scotland), [England](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/England), [Wales](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wales), and [Northern Ireland](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Northern_Ireland). It is defined as sexual intercourse between a person and their parent (including adoptive parent), grandparent, child, grandchild, brother, sister, half-brother, half-sister, uncle, aunt, nephew or niece. It is punishable with up to two years' imprisonment. For familial child sex offences (sex with a family member under 18 who lives in the same household), the relationship definitions include step-parents, step-siblings, first cousins, current and former foster parents and current and former foster siblings.
>
---
^Interesting: [^Incest](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incest) ^| [^Prohibited ^degree ^of ^kinship](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prohibited_degree_of_kinship) ^| [^Sex ^and ^the ^law](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_and_the_law) ^| [^Child ^sexual ^abuse](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_sexual_abuse)
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ClutchHunter: It saddens me that a form of consensual sex through which nobody is objectively harmed is still illegal.
ilikeeatingbrains: It's disruptive on relationships between family members.
Besides, wouldn't you rather do your mom and cum full circle?
ClutchHunter: Disclaimer: The thought of me engaging incestuously with anyone in my family, even extended, is thoroughly repulsive to me. I'm saying this for the sake of clarifying *why* I legally support incest - it's an ethical issue.
>It's disruptive on relationships between family members.
The same can be said for sex between friends, or colleagues, and so on.
ilikeeatingbrains: You mean I should respect someone's decision to sleep with their family member?
ClutchHunter: Yes. It should be legal. It should not suffer from social outcasting or worse. That is all I am saying.
ilikeeatingbrains: Who would you bang?
ClutchHunter: If that is the greatest level of maturity you can achieve discussing this then I shan't bother corresponding with you further.
ilikeeatingbrains: Oh sorry. I think it's a good thing it's illegal since it doesn't do the gene pool any favours and there is no valid reason for it to occur in the first place. So you'd have sex with your dad then?
ClutchHunter: >So you'd have sex with your dad then?
Me supporting incest legally does not mean that I would do that, just as supporting homosexuality legally does not mean I personally would do that, either.
You're either ignorant to an overly tiring extent or a troll. I shan't reply again.
ilikeeatingbrains: What's your favourite Minecraft block?
ClutchHunter: Troll it is. You're now RES ignored. Bye!
ilikeeatingbrains: Live well!
| 13 | 2.461538 | |
1400573206 | 1400715314 | t3_260j7o | t5_2to41 | 14 | masterrbc: TIFU and somehow burnt flour
I live in Australia and I'm in my last year of school; year 12. I am currently doing 3 Certificates, one of them is a Cert II in Hospitality.
Today we were cooking soufflés and I'm a good cook, just I'm not one for reading instructions and prefer to go off memory. So I got to class, got ready to cook and prepared to begin. Firstly, I didn't grease the dishes for the soufflé because I'm a lazy bastard and just wanted to get it over and done with.
I had to combine 30g of melted butter and 30g of flour together for the start of my dish. Me being the lazy bastard I am, I decide to throw it in the microwave instead of melting it in a pot.
So for my soufflé, I had to melt the butter first, stir it a little and then add the flour. This is where I fucked up. After stirring the two together, it looked alright, so I put it in the microwave and it just sat there, no being stirred for a minute, cooking.
I pull it out and it looks like someone has burnt cheese. Questions arise as to who's burned their food, and everyone thinks it's chocolate. I just look my teacher dead in the eye and smile at my stupidity.
My friend across from me just looks at me and says "Masterrbc, how the fuck do you burn flour?!" I just look at him and say "Hey, it's not as bad as the time you burned butter!" someone behind him looks and says "No, you fucked up more dude." Me not giving a shit, I decide to continue and try to finish my dish, I add 130mls of milk and it doesn't go the way I want it.
It was supposed to be a creamy kind of texture, it was just milk and some burned flour-butter.
Time to start over, so I do it by the book this time, put the butter in the pot (At this point, it'd been sitting on the stove, while on, for about 3 minutes) and as soon as it hit, it melted and went brown. Me curious as fuck as to what happened, show a different friend who was next to me, one says "Looks weird dude, but that's what mine did.". He was cooking a Chocolate soufflé, I was making Cheese soufflé.
My teacher comes along a minute later to check on me and says "It's burnt." I look at her and say "really? really? Fuck..." She looks at me, laughs and says "start over again."
So I do. I get it done correctly the third time, but I never felt so stupid about cooking something before. And if you're wondering about how it turned out, it was actually one of the better ones she'd seen.
TL;DR I burned flour mixed with melted butter because I was too lazy to cook and mix it in a pot.
This_Land_Is_My_Land: Yeah, can't be lazy when cooking. Few people like half-assed food.
I'd say, but I live in America. We eat half-assed food all the time and love it.
P.S. HOW DO YOU BURN FLOUR?
masterrbc: I don't know!
I combined it and the melted butter in a glass jug, then put it in the microwave, put it on for a minute, took it out and it was burnt... .-.
This_Land_Is_My_Land: Aaaaaaaah, microwaves.
masterrbc: Oh yeah! haha
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1400595432 | 1400718088 | t3_26152x | t5_2to41 | 1,138 | aoifjsdio: TIFU by having a 7 month pregnant wife
Context: My job requires me to meet/get to know customers, seeing them on a reasonably regular basis. I was with a customer just before I quit my old job and we were not getting along at all, very cold, dry conversation. The customer was a mother who kept talking about her kids so I decided I'd try to break the ice by talking about something we might have in common...
You see at the time, I thought my wife was pregnant, and me in my wisdom said "Oh, my wife might be pregnant so kids are something that could be on the cards for us!", which she mistook to mean "She's definitely 100% pregnant." I'm not sure if she misheard me but for the first time all day she opened up and sincerely seemed to get along with me, which was a stark contrast to before. To save face and not make for further awkwardness, I decided to play along, thinking "screw it, I'm quitting here in a week anyway so it doesn't matter what I say. I'll never see her again"
So as far as she's concerned, my wife's pregnant. Later that week I quit my job, and all is right in the world.
Fast forward 7 months and I'm working in the same field, for a different company..
She's heard I moved company and has followed me as a loyal customer. I now need to see her every couple of months and she is always very excited to talk about my child who is now 2 months from being born. I'm in too deep to break it to her that it was all a ruse and I'm not having a kid, but I'm running out of time before my kid is born.
TL;DR Wife is having a fake baby in 2 months because I can't handle awkward conversations
Blackveiled: Just tell her there was a freak mistake during labor, tell her it was stillborn. The OB/GYN had no clue what happened, and can't even explain why to you. Sometimes things weren't meant to be. There you go, got you out of that sticky situation.
aoifjsdio: jesus christ trying to avoid an awkward conversation looks like its got me into a much worse one.
[deleted]: Will save you having to fake an actual baby. The horror of getting poop under your fingernail when changing diapers, first steps, first word, developing personality, potty training, kindergarten, school, friends, etc... as the 'kid' ages.
aoifjsdio: True. Probably not a good idea to fake an actual baby..
HasNoSoul: kill the baby and get a sympathy bone.
AdrianBlake: **insert stern face thing that is all over reddit but that I don't know how to do**
spankthepunkpink: you copy it from somewhere else and then paste it in!
ಠ_ಠ
i have them all saved in a txt file on my work PC, because yes, I'm useless....but resourceful!
AdrianBlake: I keep accidentally making skateboards
___.
ಠ ಠ
Edit: note to self. You should test your text images out before making jokes.
Edit 2: ಠ`````ಠ
spankthepunkpink: is...is that a monobrow emoticon?
AdrianBlake: It was supposed to be a wicked cool skateboard.
ಠ°ಠ
Angry hindu
spankthepunkpink: angry hindu is peaceful and kind. He's trapped in a paradox :-(
AdrianBlake: ಠ&amp;ಠ
Stern man with nose bar piercing
spankthepunkpink: think he's upset because he has to take it out for his retail job?
AdrianBlake: (ಠ(ಠ)
Stern bum has to take things out for his job too
spankthepunkpink: stern bum demands sustenance! It's just awkward that he only likes hot dogs.
| 16 | 71.125 | |
1400596033 | 1400627429 | t3_2615zo | t5_2to41 | 42 | [deleted]: TIFU by shitting in my girlfriend's bed
After our date (Mexican restaurant), gf and I went back to her place. After watching a movie we went to her room for some "special time" (that's what she calls it lol) and then we fell aslepp. She woke me up in the middle of the night and sad she thinks the dog probably pooped on the floor. She has a German Shepard so it makes big poops and they smell horrible. I got up to check and when I stood up I heard my gf start gagging. I turned around to see of she was ok, and that's when I saw my own poop smeared all over the bed. I don't think I can ever go back there again. I texted her to say I was sorry, but she didn't answer. What should I do??
thatlazydude: Looks like you've got yourself in a real... shitty situation.
william_robert: Yeah, it stinks. But does anyone have any advice? I really like this girl!
c00lestchunk: Somehow get another date with her. Slip her laxatives so she shits herself. Boom you two are even.
GuantanaMo: *Boom*
Username__Irrelevant: http://forgif.me/system/image/4929/image.gif
| 6 | 7 | |
1400596716 | 1400599333 | t3_26171p | t5_2to41 | 6 | Luder714: Made a horrible mistake at work TIFU
c_rivett: Oh how horrible, for all involved. Did your friend call the family back to correct the error?
Luder714: Yes, it was corrected, but wow...
c_rivett: I'm sure he feels awful. Hopefully he won't lose his job. Mistakes happen.
| 4 | 1.5 |
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