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1400163503 | 1400775169 | t3_25mkkw | t5_2to41 | 147 | the_dinks: New mods, new rules, same old TIFU
Hello faithful fucker-upers,
We, the mods, have been very pleased with the seamless transition of our subreddit to its inclusion in the default set. Since we've become a default subreddit, we've added **more than 72,000 subscribers**! And that's just the beginning. However, we have seen a few minor concerns crop up in the wilds of the comment sections, and as your loyal servants, we wanted to touch up on a few of your concerns.
1. First off, we've seen an alarming number of users asking our female submitters for pictures of themselves (and other creepy requests), and that's why we're instituting rule 7:
>"Moderators reserve the right to remove content or restrict users' posting privileges as necessary if it is deemed detrimental to the subreddit or to the experience of others."
In general, we will be removing all drama, creepy posts/comments, and attempts at trolling without warning.
2. Secondly, a few of us have come across first time submitters who ended their posts with statements like, " I guess it's not all that funny," and the like. Remember, /r/tifu is for fuckups of all shapes and sizes. For however much we love the ol' poop-n'-sex /r/tifu classic, supporting all types of submissions will keep the stories fresh and everyone wanting to stay subscribed. The soapbox is yours; what you do with it is up to you.
3. Thirdly, please remember to properly format your posts. Remember the ol' reddit rule, "double return is your friend." Not only will it improve the readability of our posts, but it'll make you feel cool, formatting correctly like a pro.
4. That brings us to our fourth reminder and our second new rule: remember to mark your posts as NSFW! While we aren't a sub that shares images, it's still good to mark your posts as such, as some people would rather not risk reading those kinds of stories at work, or would like to avoid those stories altogether.
5. Lastly, we've added several new mods (including me!) in the last few days. While the hazing was fun (I'll never look at badgers the same way again), we're now looking forward to improving the sub in any way we can, so please, sound off below in the comment section about what direction you'd like to see the sub take. And please, if you have *any* ideas, don't be afraid to let us know!
Keep fucking up,
TIFU Modteam
**TL;DR: New mods, two new rules. New rule 1: Don't be a dick. New rule 2: Mark posts as NSFW.**
(PS: Congratulations to /u/HatingMyselfBadly for [his touching and honest post about fucking up as a emergency call handler](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/24zl1e/tifu_by_killing_someone_just_by_typing_4600/). For the quality of your post, we have made your post the **Fuck Up of the Week**)
SpongederpSquarefap: Should have titled the post "TIFU by adding news mods"
I love the work you guys do around here, and it's nice to visit the sub when I'm having a bad day so I can say "Well at least I didn't shit myself"
Also, what are the odds of the counter coming back?
canipaybycheck: The counter is being redone to become a real counter right now. I actually think that the counter is too circlejerk-y at this point and actually increases peoples' association of tifu and shitting posts. But it was hilarious for a bit, and it could be funny again if we get some runs of shit posts.
Diarygirl: I'm kinda new here. What's the counter?
canipaybycheck: There's a running joke in /r/tifu that every post involves someone shitting themselves. So for fun we used to have a little display in the sidebar that read "00 days since /r/tifu shat itself", and I increased it manually daily. And then reset it whenever someone posted about shitting themselves.
| 5 | 29.4 | |
1400122758 | 1400204430 | t3_25lgdc | t5_2to41 | 23 | WhizKidThrowaway: TIFU by striking out with a girl, pissing on my best man, and questioning his sexuality.
I'm taking the T in TIFU to mean "Then" because this story happened now over a decade ago, but dammit, I just found this subreddit, so step off my dick.
Anyway:
In the spring of the year of our lord 2003 I was but a chubby, functioning alcoholic of a college sophomore, age 20. Spring break time rolled around, and my two closest friends and I decided that Panama City Beach, FL was the place to go. Dan had a sweet Dodge minivan and Brett had a cooler full of beer, but alas, we were all 20, and with the way our livers functioned at that time, there was no way those few beers were going to last us. So, we enlisted a 26-year-old grad student from our fraternity named Gary. Gary was kind of a special guy, but hey, he was old enough to buy us more beers. Great.
So, we took the middle seat out of the van, piled all our belongings on the roof, hooked up the trusty Gamecube to a TV sitting on the aforementioned Cooler O' Beers, and set off on the roughly 19-hour trek from Ohio to PCB. Much fun was had on the journey, and MANY stories and fuckups were spawned. To properly tell this story, though, one piece of innocuous background information must be injected at this point.
We were poor.
Like, very poor - we decided that camping in the state park outside Panama City Beach was preferable to paying for a shit hotel. So Dan and I doubled up in his big ol' tent, Brett brought a small tent, Gary slept in the van. Fine and good, except the first night there was a TORRENTIAL downpour and somebody (probably me) forgot to zip up the tent all the way. Dan and I woke up in about 2 inches of rainwater. We decided to spend the rest of that leg of the vacation in a Motel 6, and save the camping for our next destination, which was a park around some natural springs further inland in Florida.
Fast-forward to that park. We set up camp, and as Gary left to go procure more beers, we three amigos spied some ladies setting up camp across from us. They headed down to the ol' swimmin' holler, so we followed and made nice. They invited us back to their campsite that evening for beverages. We agreed, giggled, returned to our campsites, and tried to conceal boners.
That night, Gary returned with beers and proceeded to pass right the fuck out in Brett's tent. OK, we thought, fair enough. Brett, Dan, and I went over to the girls' campsite and thoroughly embarrassed ourselves. Brett and I are of Scottish stock, and Dan's half-Chinese half-Welsh, so of course we thought that the most alluring thing we could have busted out at that moment were our faux Scottish accents, complete with authentic sloppy drunkardness.
Dan saw the writing on the wall earlier than Brett and I, and returned to his (our) tent. Brett and I stayed longer, I professed my love of a certain sexual act involving one's lingus, to no avail, and we staggered back to the campsite and passed out.
I awoke the next morning in two inches of water, just like the first night. What the fuck, I thought, as I left the tent I was the sole occupant of. I crunched across the bone-dry leaves to the bone-dry picnic table at our bone-dry campsite and said "Did it rain last night or something?!"
Dan handed me a water bottle and an Alka-Seltzer packet and said "Jim... last night, you pissed all over me."
I was dumbfounded. Granted, I was still drunk, but still. "Wha?"
"Last night, I woke up to you pissing on my leg. I said 'HEY JIM YOU'RE PISSING ON ME' to which you responded 'GAAAAAY!' and then kept pissing."
"What the... what?"
"Yeah. You pissed all over me and my tent, and called me gay. And then I went to sleep in the front seat of the van, since Brett was sleeping in the back. And apparently I was snoring, since he kept kicking me all night."
In my defense, I really just pissed *myself*. I was wearing a bathing suit, so there wasn't much to stop the flow of piss and it flooded the tent (and apparently hit Dan on the leg, waking him). That's about all the defense I have, though. Dan is a great friend to this day, and is the best man at my upcoming wedding. I fucking hope he tells this story during his toast. I deserve all the embarrassment it will bring.
VenisonBurgers: > I awoke the next morning in two inches of water, just like the first night.
That is a massive amount of piss.
Supajin: Maybe OP is an elephant?
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1400174341 | 1400190943 | t3_25n21n | t5_2to41 | 483 | Scaryfables: TIFU by having a foursome
So this technically happened around 4 months ago or so, but the story starts out me, my friend we will call "J", his girlfriend we will call "M" and my other friend we will call "G". All of us were hanging around the apartment, getting extremely drunk on a Saturday night, watching netflix. as we get more and more shitfaced, SOMEHOW at SOMEPOINT "M" brought up the subject of threesomes, and foursomes and said she's never experienced that before. We all started discussing how we've all never took part in something like that, and out of nowhere, she suggested it to us that we try it. at first, "G" and I took it as a joke, but noticed her and "J" were whispering and then looked at us. she then said "Lets try it out?" and proceeded to walk into the bedroom. in shock, "G" and I are still taking this as a joke, until "J" gives us a serious look and says "guys its wont be weird lets just try it, im cool with it" so at this point, my friend "G" gets up and heads to the room with "J" and they close the door. im thinking "Fuck it, Im not backing out" and go in there myself as well. Fast forward now, its dark and we are all naked and "M" says shes ready to start, but wants her boyfriend "J" to be the first one to fuck her. he apparently has total whiskey dick, because he insists that I go first. so i say fuck it, lets go. so here i am, fucking my friends girlfriend right in front of him in the dark, making her moan and shit. at this point, i don't want to be greedy, so i let "G" have a few mins with her until "J" is ready. "G" is doing his thing with her, and after 10 mins he finishes on a rag, so now its my turn. again, "J" is still having whiskey dick at this point, so i just keep going until im done. at this point i say to "J, she's all yours man" and he replies "fuck, dude i havent been able to get it up, lets just get our clothes back on and watch the movie in the living room.. so at this point, we go back in the living room, all watching the movie blankly, and no one ever commented on the fact that "J" pretty much just watched two of his bros bang the shit out of girl... to this day, we don't ever bring it up..
TL:DR-GOT DRUNK WITH FRIENDS, BANGED FRIENDS GIRLFRIEND WITH OTHER FRIEND, WHILE HE GOT WHISKEY DICK AND WATCHED.
i_go_to_uri: Wait wtf? 3 dudes and 1 girl?
Scaryfables: Yeah man. we are all straight though, we were just taking turns. >.>
i_go_to_uri: That's not a foursome that's a gangbang lmao, I don't know what kind of guy it takes to be okay with letting two of his buddies go to pound town with his gf, that's just weird.
Scaryfables: Yeah, it was very strange...
Failed to mention, "J" and "M" might have also taken some xanax with the alcohol, so that would explain his don't give a fuck attitude
Nosyntheticever: Haha and now you've introduced the possibility that neither of them remember any of it anyway.
theodrixx: I'm imagining a happy couple laughing over frozen yogurt, and next to them two male friends with dark circles under their eyes eyeing them warily, the uncertainty of the situation haunting them.
Nosyntheticever: Stay away from benzos kids, your friends will fuck you and you won't even know about it.
| 8 | 60.375 | |
1400177145 | 1400270907 | t3_25n6yf | t5_2to41 | 102 | wildliferectum: TIFU "Accident" during second gig with new band
I'm 30 years old and my life is in tatters. My wife of 3 years left me, I’ve been kicked out of the band (I'm a drummer). I had recently joined a rock band that was playing at a bar downtown. This was my second gig (and my last) and I really wanted this performance to go as well as possible. I was hoping this new band would change me and my wife’s life
Anyways, I had a large meat burrito and a couple cheeseburgers at my favourite cafe before the gig. I then went to the show to start setting up the gear, and all that boring stuff. My stomach was feeling a bit weird, but it still wasn't that bad.
Finally, when performance time arrived, my stomach was quickly increasing in pain. I was starting to feel quite anxious. The last thing I needed during the performance that could make or break my status in my new band was an upset stomach
We got into the first song of our set and I was feeling quite ill. I was sweating a lot and I was starting to make a lot of mistakes as my nerves and my upset bowels were starting to take over. I was also beginning to let out some nasty farts that smelled much worse than usual.The audience and the lights started to blur before my very eyes and I knew that the worst was yet to come when I felt a stabbing pain in my lower abdomen.
I tried to relieve the pressure with a fart and diarrhoea started coming out. My underwear began filling up with warm, liquid diarrhoea and it began to take its toll on my drumming. The lead guitarist (who was right in front of me) turned round and looked at me with a disgusted look on his face. They all knew.
As the pain started to get worse, I fell off my stool and the impact caused me to lose control entirely. A loud, nasty fart echoed throughout the bar and diarrhoea filled my pants to the brim of its capacity. I was doubled over on the floor with my legs up on the stool and the diarrhoea in my pants spilled onto my shirt. I continued to fart and crap as I tried to regain control of myself and gather the strength and energy to crawl my way to the bathroom.
As I stood up, I let out a loud fart and fell back on the floor. As I farted, large bits of poo came out of my arse and splattered all over the crew members that were desperately trying to gain control of me. It was way too late for that.
I heard the lead guitarist of the band shout "I think we're done for the night. We apologise sincerely for this abrupt interruption and we will make sure it won't happen again." I heard the audience outside whistling and laughing at me. I needed to get out of there before they circled around the back to where my car was. As I started to run for the car i got more and more lightheaded, until i eventually passed out on the floor. What now?
rudeboyrasta420: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I dont know what you do after that, damn dude.
wildliferectum: Spoke to my doctor, looks like i may have IBS :/
OnyxEcho: Sorry to hear :(
But your story was very entertaining!
sidewayzsequence: You guys are fuckin crackin me up, these comments are too much
| 5 | 20.4 | |
1400179442 | 1400190172 | t3_25navd | t5_2to41 | 128 | Giles_Durane: TIFU by forgetting where I left my sex toy
TIFU big time. I was cleaning out my room for university to move to another site and my mother was visiting. We were going through things and just bagging them up (she is awesome) so it would be less effort in the morning when I would have to move to the next location.
Now for some backstory. I got a little drunk one night. On those nights, sometimes there is an itch that you need to scratch. On goes the laptop, feeling horny and what is this? A pocket pussy you say? Only 20 dollars? Why the hell not, this is definitely a great idea! Card out, bought and on the way!
Fast forward a few days and this package arrives for me. I didn't remember orderi....oh. Oh no. There it is, in it's finest glory. A rubber tube of shame. I used it a couple of times and to be fair, it wasn't half bad, but like most things, it was simply kept in a drawer, left there as a stupid thing I bought when I was drunk.
Imagine my surprise when I turn around from bagging things and see my mother reaching into the drawer...alarm bells were going off in my head...but why? What coul...oh. Oh. Oh no. I have never moved so fast, I was a leopard in heat, Linford Christie on his final stretch, but my speed wasn't enough. I slapped the shameful monster out of my mother's confused hand and slammed the drawer.
'NOPE. UM. SORRY MUM.'
Nothing has been said to this day. I threw the thing out that day but I know in the back of my mind that whenever my mother looks at me there will be three things she sees.
1. A young man with a grin and dark brown hair
2. A son who genuinely cares for and loves his family
3. A guy who jacks it into a rubber vagina
watchout5: >I threw the thing out that day but I know in the back of my mind that whenever my mother looks at me there will be three things she sees.
Everyone masturbates. Everyone.
Supajin: I don't masturbate....I have other methods though
watchout5: That sounds like masturbation.
Supajin: masturbation
>Manual stimulation of the genital organs (of yourself or another) for sexual pleasure
Technically wet dreams don't count as masturbation :p
Stiffed_: I'd rather masterbate... cleaning up after a wet dream sucks
ajarofmarmalade: You don't sleep with a condom on?
| 7 | 18.285714 | |
1400189941 | 1400462157 | t3_25nsw6 | t5_2to41 | 45 | [deleted]: TIFU by watching porn with my parents downstairs.
So I was home today, doing the usual shit. Browsing reddit, watching a bit of Netflix etc etc. All of a sudden I get super horny. I pull up pornhub and search for a video. Now, I'm one of those people that opens up a whole bunch of threads for a "read later" kind of deal. I.E. It's hard to find a certain tab. So I find the video of Malena Morgan and Riley Reid having a threesome, mute the video, and start doing my thing. Then all of a sudden I hear very loudly through my speakers "MEET HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA THAT WANT TO FUCK RIGHT NOW" I panicked, trying to find the tab that it was playing from (I had atleast 20 tabs open) and then I hear the TV down stairs turn off. Then the tab starts playing porn music with moderate orgasm sounds. I eventually find it and turn it off. After a minute I hear the TV turn back on. I was scared to go downstairs, but eventually did. My mom gave me the look of shame for the awkward minute it took for my corn dog to get done cooking.
melonfarmer123: Invest in a pair of headphones
Snannybobo: My headphones are currently not at my house.
HeyFuckUp: Invest in multiple head phones, I have one specifically for porn.
TheRedEarl: Committed?
HeyFuckUp: Yeah, One ear piece stopped working so I use one to listen. Then I can still keep my guard up with the other ear.
Stiffed_: Been caught before I see
HeyFuckUp: Nope never had. just precautious
| 8 | 5.625 | |
1400194357 | 1400265817 | t3_25nzrq | t5_2to41 | 228 | stgeek: TIFU by making a reference on my AP Exam
This was yesterday, and while it may not be as horrible as some of the other things I've seen on here, it's a big enough fuck up for me to be worth posting here.
Yesterday was the national day for taking the United States History Exam. It consists of 55 minutes on an 80 question multiple choice portion, and 135 minutes of three essays, including a mandatory planning period of 15. One of these essays is known as a DBQ, or Document Based Question, and is weighted as the same as the other two essays combined, so the strategy is to focus on that first, then the other two later.
So I'd finished working on this DBQ and I'm feeling good about it and proofread it a couple of times before moving on. When I had finished all of my essays, and there was a solid 20 minutes before pencils down, I read my essays to pass the time, not really paying much attention. The prompt given to me gave me cause to reference the failed "League of Nations," because it would strengthen the argument I'm trying to give. The only thing I realized is: I made references to the now popular "League of Legends," and before I can make any corrections, pencils down is called, I'm sitting there in shock as to how I could have made such a stupid mistake, and more importantly, how it would affect my overall grade.
TL;DR: Used League of Legends to support an argument on my AP exam
UsePreparationH: I wrote North Korea jokes on my test today but I put a line through them to cross them out but they are still readable.
initial-lsd: Well, they can't grade anything you have crossed out. My friends do it for jokes; they always write profane stuff and just cross it out for laughs.
[deleted]: Well, that seems pretty silly. They can't explicitly mark you down for that, but the assessor is human and thus will take it into account when assessing. If you're wasting your time writing obscenities and crossing them out, they're going to think that you're not taking it seriously and/or haven't put the same amount of effort and time that your peers have, and that will impact how your work is assessed.
devals: I'd have agreed with you, but those assessors have posted to reddit before, and apparently the monotony of the task is so severe, they are more inclined to score more highly/give mercy points to essayists who include anything to break up the tedium, particularly jokes or references to pop culture. They are human, not humorless robots.
| 5 | 45.6 | |
1400195364 | 1400289362 | t3_25o1b8 | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my mom I wouldn't miss her
I'm going to college soon and my mom asked if I would miss home or my family once I head off. I fucked up by telling her no, I wouldn't. I'm a child of a divorced family and I've spent weeks apart from either of my parents so getting homesick or missing people doesn't affect me. She doesn't get that so now she's extremely upset and I'm not much of a person to fake emotions especially empathy
Protagonists: man, i know how you feel. I dont think i would miss anyone if i were to go off to college. Mainly cause most my life I've been moving from place to place. Like Eyedea said "I've been a lot of places and I've seen a lot of faces. I don't miss none of them and they don't miss me."
GabeLopes: this really sounds sad bro, but kinda cool in some way
Protagonists: its sad cause eventually you find some place where you actually want to stay, and you actually miss some of the people there, for me that place is Toronto.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1400200733 | 1400201856 | t3_25o9d8 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by calling my favorite YouTuber, UberHaxorNova ,a prick for a choice he made in TWD, and he responded
So, I've been subbed for quite awhile now, and recently my comments have been staying uptop for some reason. Imagine my reaction when he tells me to "get off my high horse". fuck
lowfrolsd: It's a video game, man...
[deleted]: I treat story-driven video games like I treat my TV shows, I get connected and shit.
lowfrolsd: I know. That game is intense as fuck.
Shit happens, bro. You learn from your mistakes. TIFU = TIL
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1400202312 | 1400228606 | t3_25obld | t5_2to41 | 1,671 | Belge: TIFU with my sister's best friend
[deleted]: it doesn't seem to be too clear to people in this thread that you committed sexual assault and it's baffling that the authorities have not been contacted.
this is the danger of "boys will be boys" culture. i'm not a young teenage girl, but it's terrifying to think that if i was one, someone dry humping me without my consent would be brushed off as a funny, weird, embarrassing accident.
tsv33: She didn't say no.
[deleted]: good point. next time i wanna have an impromptu cum-shot i'll just get myself near the end and then unload on an unwitting bystander before they can say anything.
tsv33: So first you acknowledge he was humping her, now you backtrack and imply she only noticed when he came on her.
What the hell is wrong with you? You have every right to your opinion but do you have to be a intellectually dishonest cunt about it?
[deleted]: uh what?
not to undermine anything you say that is logically consistent, but it looks like you're a nazi??
edit; ahem, "Niggers like rape." -tsv33 i would even believe you're a troll but then you have some posts that sound like mundane, legitimate real person things
tsv33: Your excuse is horseshit.
She could have asked him to stop, informed his parents, ect. But she didn't.
If being too embarrassed to say no is worse than sexual assault, then it isn't sexual assault. Would you have just let some greasy teenage creep cum on you or would you have said something?
She liked it, she was probably a whore, if she didn't like it she would have said "STOP IT YOU FUCKING CREEP" or shouted "JIMMY HAS A BONER" like any regular person would, not just sit there and let him finish.
Edit: OMG I THINK HITLER WAS COOL, SO AWFUL. Grow the fuck up, JFK and Stanley Kubrick liked Hitler too, among millions if not billions of others of both very dumb and very intelligent people.
[deleted]: from the sound of it, she didn't know he was kegeling himself to climax. also, in reference to the "too embarrassed" shit, this is retarded as fuck, because we know that there's a lot of cultural factors that make it more difficult for women to acknowledge sexual assault, for example, many people in this thread don't think anything serious happened.
if i was a young teen and something like this happened, i'd probably be incredibly confused and not sure what to do. i would also imagine that if i didn't figure it out, it could possibly have negative psychological effects down the line. dude what do you think, humans just fucking pop out of the womb with perfect rationality and knowledge of the world? that must've been confusing as fuck for that girl.
edit; i don't give a shit about your liking hitler. what i care about is the ideology you subscribe to.
tsv33: So women are often too stupid to know when they're being sexually assaulted, and often too weak to say no when they do realize what's happening, and men should be held liable for these shortcomings?
Feminists like you are destroying society, you realize that right?
[deleted]: the stupid part i am not sure where you getting from.
"weak", yeah because fucking there's a threat of physical harm or people not believing you, which is much higher for women than for men.
i am also not sure where you are getting that i am saying men should be held accountable for these problems.
i'm not ruining society, i'm trying to be a decent human being so that people like my girlfriend, my mother, my sister, etc. don't have to live in a world where we're going to excuse shit like using someone as a humping toy without their consent or even their knowledge, as was the case here
also, good on you for doing those things in those situations. unfortunately, not everyone has exactly your brain and has had the same life experiences as you.
tsv33: Right, nobody would believe that the creepy teenager popped a boner with a girl sitting on his lap, nobody would ever believe that whore and her whore lies.
[deleted]: dude you are dense as fuck and at the end there, you're becoming incoherent. i think you are probably an old, angry, white man and like sorry, but the world's just not made just for you any more. so fucking creepy though calling this teenage girl a whore like what the shit.
tsv33: I don't understand, do straight white men have all the power or none of it? Or do you just make shit up to fit your absurd ideological viewpoints?
[deleted]: yeah i make shit up, what are you gonna do about it, you grumpy-puss.
why don't you cry about it to your daddy hitler, oh sorry, he dead.
haha sorry.
tsv33: Umm, Hitler would be dead anyways, he was born in 1889, but his ideas will live on.
How do you think your anti-straight white men movement will be viewed historically after straight white men clean up your mess in a decade or two?
[deleted]: dude i am a straight white man and i'm trying to clean up your mess right now
tsv33: You're an emasculated loser, it's pathetic.
[deleted]: i know, i'm so depressed about it, and to top it all off, i have a really tiny dick and was never really that good at sports
| 18 | 92.833333 | |
1400204451 | 1400259926 | t3_25oemj | t5_2to41 | 137 | TheWise0ne: TIFU by giving my mom an SD card loaded with porn.
So last night my mother wanted to watch a film on her phone, and asked me if I could put one from my vast collection. She decided on "Snowpiercer" after about an hour of looking for one she liked, so I hooked up her phone to my computer when I noticed she didn't have enough memory on the phone as the file was pretty big. Now she comes across as a complete retard when it comes to anything technical, so me being a nice son decided to sacrifice my sd card for the night so that she could watch this awesome film, big mistake.
So I told her it'd take about half an hour to put it on the card and off she went to do whatever for half an hour, whilst I comb through the extremely disorganized clusterfuck of various folders in an attempt to cull the wank bank so in case she decided to go into her gallery app there wouldn't be tons of porn sitting there for her to see. So the file went on and i stuck the card into her shitty sony phone. Then the fucking file refused to play, so I installed MX player as it was at the top of the play market. Little did I know it also indexed all video files on the sd card after a while, so i handed her the phone with the movie already loaded and went on my way.
I see her again at 8 today and asked her for the phone so i could get my card and if she liked the movie, she replies with, "I loved it *TheWise0ne*, especially the one with the Asian being interviewed on that couch." I then noticed her navigating to a folder and grabbed the phone out of her hand and tore the sd card from it like a mindless ape still not quite sure what she had just said, and then I just left the room and now here I am a few hours later. Well lunch with my grandparents is going to be fun tomorrow.
I_NEED_FRIENDS: Who the fuck puts porn on SD cards these days? USB that shit.
TheWise0ne: It was a micro sd for my phone, gotta have a portable wank bank dude.
I_NEED_FRIENDS: Fair enough. Nevertheless, save it to the phone and not to the sd @_@
TheWise0ne: I also have a shitty sony phone like my mother, they have less than a gb of storage so I just use an 8gb sd card but im a lazy fuck and have so many unorganized folders.
Maxillaws: My phone has 32 GB storage but no SD slot. I'd much rather have an option of an SD slot rather than a set size
| 6 | 22.833333 | |
1400209952 | 1400216687 | t3_25omgq | t5_2to41 | 26 | _Max_e_Pad_: TIFU by throwing up at a funeral
So this was a while back like about 2 years ago but it still haunts me today. i was 11 years old and i was plying on my computer when i heard the news that my grandpa had died. i didn't really know the man that well so i didn't really think much about it. it was my moms dad so she was very depressed and not very happy. apparently she was to depressed to make supper so she made me make it. first mistake. i have never cooked before so i didn't really know what to do. my mom put the recipe down in front of me. "hamburgers" doesn't sound that difficult. so i did what the recipe said. i had this big ball of meat, i cut it up, put it into little circles and cooked it. i took the patty off the grill and bit into it. it was red and bloody. i thought to my self its just like a steak, red in the middle. second mistake. i eat it, watch some YouTube then go to bed. when i woke up i could tell something bad was happening in my stomach. it was making some weird gurgling noises and it. i threw up in the toilet and ran to tell my mom. it turns out i was food poisoned by the under cooked meat. she was getting all dressed up to go to my grandpas funeral and she said that i had to go too. i told i her i was sick but she wouldn't listen. she quickly ran to my closet picked out a shirt for me and made me wear it. 45 minutes go by and i still don't feel good, but, i am still forced to go. we hop in the car and head to the church. it was an open coffin funeral and we are supposed to walk by, look into it and say our final goodbyes. as i was passing the coffin i smelt the grossest fricking thing ever. i couldn't even describe it. i want to see this man since i have never seen him before so i leaned over the coffin and thats where it happened. i felt my stomach grumble and at the moment i knew there was no time to pull back and i puked up lucky charms all on my dead grandpa. my mom looked at me in horror and quickly ran out of the church. she brought me home where she completely lost it. i got grounded for 1 month.
TL;DR Got food poisoning and threw up in my grandpas coffin at his funeral.
tetrahydrocanada: I'm laughing harder than I should be at this.
Supajin: This is just so awful... I mean the guys already dead and you just threw up on him. I would have swallowed it, as gross as that sounds...
_Max_e_Pad_: There was so much that it still would have came out
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1400205701 | 1400365351 | t3_25ogcq | t5_2to41 | 16 | Vintage_Lobster: TIFU by denting a brand new car
Our family is very close together cousin-wise, mostly because it's about just 5 guys. One of which, broke his arm recently long boarding. Usually it's him, my cousin E, and I.
E and I decided to accompany our injured cousin throughout the entire surgery and it was all going well, we loaded him into our aunt's car, we even accompanied him to drug store so he could get his painkillers. This is where I fucked up, twice.
While waiting outside for about 20 minutes with our injured cousin in his mother's brand new car, he and E were talking most of the time and I was feeling a bit left out so I looked for something else to keep me distracted. I looked down and found a penny and grabbed it. I was just throwing it up and down for a while till I decided I should throw it on the roof of the drug store. I threw it up, in sort of a granny throw. It went straight up into the sky and back down. It hit the hood of my aunt's car... first I thought "well she's not around so I'll just get it off the hood and nothing happened." immediately after that though I heard "You better hope that didn't damage anything." from my aunt which came out at the exact time I threw the coin.
Deep apologies were made, and she was okay with it and let me off the hook. The hood got a dent, and she was obviously pissed, but she let it go because "boys are stupid sometimes."
I got the coin off the hood and kept it in my hand. While she was explaining to my injured cousin what medicines he'd be taking for the next week, in my embarrassed/angered emotions, I threw the coin to actually land on the roof this time. I launched it with a lot of force and it got really high up on the slanted roof.
What comes up must come down, so I hear rolling happening on the roof, my palms go sweaty and my heart drops. It falls back down and as I'm watching it in mid air, it hits the open passenger door and doesn't dent, but scratches downwards. About an inch long DEEP scratch is there and my aunt looks at me furiously. Meanwhile both of my cousins are laughing at full force at me.
I had never been in such a cringey moment, every time I've seen her since then I can even look her in the eyes anymore and always bring it up just to apologize.
Wyant69: HOW THE FUCK does a penny do so much damage? i mean comon its a penny
Vintage_Lobster: It was all sharp and chewed up. A bit rougher than this. http://www.cointalk.com/attachments/dsc04911-jpg.106051/
[deleted]: Even so... Unless the car was painted with a can of aerosol in the middle of winter outside, it shouldn't have scratched it.
Vintage_Lobster: A sharp object traveling at an angle at a very fast speed downwards, you make it seem like cars are painted with 50 layers of paint and laminated twice afterwards.
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1400211018 | 1400361467 | t3_25onul | t5_2to41 | 93 | hipsterwithaninterne: TIFU by giving one of my Asian friends rice
Okay, so a little background on this. I'm in high school and part of my school's speech and debate team, which spends the year traveling to various other schools on weekends and giving speeches/having debates. The season came to an end recently, so our team had our traditional banquet to close the season. However, our team was slightly bigger than usual this year, so we expanded from just eating in our school to privately renting out a restaurant for a few hours. The banquet went as usual: there was a slideshow of moments and highlights from the team this year, the leaving seniors gave speeches, etc. And then we tried a new tradition this year: getting all of the seniors gifts/memorabilia because they were leaving.
This is where my fuck-up begins.
I was more or less 'assigned' to pitch in to getting an Asian friend of mine (who shall remain anonymous) a gift. He has a history of teasing other team members, especially those of color (for example, he would call one of the Indian students on our team Brahmin.) It was always in good fun, and people would laugh it off. So, because he did this, I decided it would be funny to get him a slightly, er, racial gift. So the same Indian friend and I pitched in together and bought a large (~30lb) bag of rice. Now, any other year, this probably wouldn't have been too bad - my friend is good at taking a joke and I assume he would have laughed it off. However, because we were at a restaurant this year, parents were also allowed to come to the banquet. My Indian friend and I had completely failed to take this into account.
So everyone else gets silly gifts - for example, a senior boy on our team was jokingly given hair conditioner and scissors. And then it's my Asian friend's turn to open his gift, and he gets a fucking bag of rice. Again, I'm pretty sure this wouldn't have been so bad were it not for the fact that his parents, who had not yet met me, were there to see it. So now, what was supposed to be a joke in somewhat ill taste became a public display of me now being a racist.
I've received and responded to a concerned E-mail from his father, who saw the gift as inappropriate, insensitive, and public humiliation.
TL;DR: don't be racist
idiomaniak: I don't really see how this is a big deal. At all. Just explain the situation to the parents and stop being like some stupid character in a movie who can't get the words out.
[deleted]: > I don't really see how this is a big deal. At all.
Probably because you're a 20-something white male and don't have any idea what it's like to be on that side of racism.
The "in joke" was clearly among the team and between friends. Carrying it over to this public event in front of the kid's parents is obviously not appropriate. You have no idea what their history is or what their family has suffered through when it comes to their heritage.
There's a time and a place for these kinds of goofy inside jokes, but this is clearly not one of them. The gift was tactless and ill-conceived, and OP learned a valuable lesson about context.
ThegreatPee: I guess I missed the part where OP stated that he/ she is white. Maybye you just assumed it?
[deleted]: I did, because this is reddit and the vast majority of active users are 20-30 white males. Given that, and the content of his post, I believe it's a safe assumption. The fact that he hasn't corrected me yet is a good sign I was probably on the mark.
ThegreatPee: I guess that if OP was one of the rare non-white redditors it would have been fine. I don't care about race at all, but I'm so fucking sick of the double standard.
[deleted]: I don't think you understand what double standards are.
| 7 | 13.285714 | |
1400217703 | 1400222333 | t3_25ovsn | t5_2to41 | 21 | i_dont_play_chess: TIFU by hitting my mom
Let me explain. My mom is a healthy and hardworking woman who sometimes collapses under the pressure and becomes irrational and hysterical. She works a stressful job and has had to take the last two days off of work for mental reasons. Yesterday and today she had spent at home enjoying the weather, making music, and generally not thinking about work.
Earlier today, I was helping my dad with a leak in the sink when she comes into the room and makes her way towards us, to fill a container with water. I firmly tell her that she cannot use the sink because it is leaking and told her to use a different one, at which point she refused and continued moving. We had just put something on the pipe that needed time to seal and I didn't want it to be ruined so I grabbed her and tried to redirect her away. At this point she started to break down and scream before physically hitting me a couple of times, at which point I slapped her. It surprised me just how quickly she lit up, it seemed to come out of nowhere.
I feel ashamed about hitting her, even in defense (neither of us were hurt). To make it worse, she has refused to hear any sort of apology, treating me like a threat. It's sobering and surreal at the same time. I just wish that things had gone differently, because I fear I can never take this back. Maybe things will be better in the morning.
esearcher: What was your father doing at the time?
i_dont_play_chess: Underneath the sink. It's an awkward space to get to, I'm afraid.
esearcher: I guess I should have been more clear. Why wasn't your father the one being the... for lack of better term... disciplinarian? I'm sorry if I am reading too much into your post and your replies, but it seems like you're intentionally or unintentionally shouldering the burden of parenting the parent, and that ends up being a really unhealthy thing for you. I might be projecting, if so, sorry!
i_dont_play_chess: No worries! My mom has a history of some mental instability due to an abusive childhood. She has had outbursts like this in the past, but I've never seen her so quickly change from normal to hysterical over something that seemed almost trivial (to me, at least).
I think the only thing I can do now is head on down to the Winchester, grab a pint, and wait for things to blow over. My guess is that things will calm down relatively quick and then I will approach her and apologize.
esearcher: Ok, I was just worried about you and codependency that comes from worrying about a parent the way one would a child. Like I said, probably projection and overreaction. Like you, I am sure this will pass. Apologies go a long way, and she's your mother, she loves you even when you screw up.
i_dont_play_chess: Thank you for being supportive.
| 7 | 3 | |
1400219500 | 1400264876 | t3_25oxnh | t5_2to41 | 131 | [deleted]: TIFU by chasing my puppy through the kitchen
Couple years back I decided it was play time with my new puppy so I began chasing her around the house. I was going faster than I should have been while barefoot but I was having too much fun watching my pup enjoy being chased. As we ran through the kitchen I misjudged a corner slightly and slammed my right foot into a wall corner, at full puppy chasing speed.
Now different people react to extreme pain differently, some go into shock, some curse, me, I laugh...hysterically. So here I come stumbling into the living room and my wife thinks something funny has happened. I laid on the couch and raised my foot. I had ripped the skin between my pinky and fourth, and my fourth and third toe. Both sites were bleeding quite well. But quite possibly the worst was I had dislocated every single toe besides my big one, and had broken my third toe. My wife had to pop all of them back into place.
My wife gets on the phone with a doctor. Prognosis for broken toe? Tough shit, deal with it, there's nothing that can be done. I hobbled around for 4 months and couldn't walk quite right for 6.
Don't chase puppies barefoot.
sidewayzsequence: Really? Nothing that can/should be done for a broken toe..? See I've never broken a bone(knock on wood) so I guess I don't understand how things work.. is there nothing they can do as well if you break a finger? It seems like they might want to xray it and set it so it doesn't heal wrong or crooked..
ObliviousStudent: If you break your fingers, depending on which one is damaged, the doctor may either apply a splint/cast for something like your thumb, or use an anatomical splint, essentially lashing the broken finger to its unbroken neighbor, encouraging the damaged one to heal properly by preventing movement. As I understand it, toes are too small for either of these methods to work especially considering the amount of stress we place upon them.
source: college student who will do impressively stupid things when formally challenged.
sidewayzsequence: That makes sense, thanks for the education!
| 4 | 32.75 | |
1400219194 | 1400602134 | t3_25oxby | t5_2to41 | 24 | That_one_guy_50: TIFU By Eating Waffle-House At 4AM
Well last night I fucked up hard.
As a senior in high school I have tons of free time now, usually filled with late night gaming sessions with the bros and hanging out after hours. So with all this new free time me and three of my best friends decided to go to Walmart and just walk around. We live in a small town so there really isn't much to do. So at about 12AM we decide it's time to go home. I had borrowed my moms car, a 2007 silver Dodge Charger, seeing as my truck could only hold three people and there were four of us.
So we get home and we just do the normal, hang out, play video games, talk about girls, ect. About 3 hours later we all get hungry. Well I was flat broke so I offer to drive us to Waffle-House if someone will cover for me. We leave the house and take my moms car without her knowing and we head to the awful waffle and begin to eat. As we are eating we have a great time and talk about a big trip that we were planning this summer down to Florida. We chat with the workers seeing as how they had nothing better to do and we finish eating, pay for our meals, and head home.
It had just gotten done sprinkling about a half hour or so before we left and my tired 18 year old mind completely forgets to think about this as we head home. So as we leave at 4 AM we come to an intersection and i take the turn as I normally would for normal conditions at about 35 mph. When I turn the wheel the car turns slightly and all hell breaks lose.
The car losses traction and heads straight for a deep drainage ditch. Applying the breaks did no good at all as me and my three other friends all go sailing through the air into this drainage ditch and burry the nose of the car in the embankment of it. The airbags deploy, burning me and bruising my friend's face in the front seat, and the car comes to an immediate stop. As I look up I can't see anything due to the smoke from the airbags and we all pile out of the car. From the looks of it there wasn't much damage and all of us were fine. Seeing as there was nothing we could do we cross the ditch to get the road so we can at least stand on dry ground.
As one of my friends is walking towards the road he falls into a whole about 4 feet deep of ice cold water bringing some comedy to the situation. So with that I call the cops and my mother and tell them I have had a wreck.
When the cops show up the first thing they do is search the car. As they finish the search one of the cops walks up to me and says "Alright, we found the weed. It's all over the car and we found some bags of it. Who's is it?" Seeing as how my mother is a cop I knew what he was doing trying to get me to admit to something that isn't true. So I call him out on it and say "You didn't find anything in that car. Number one it's my moms and number two we don't do that." He replies with "Well what about the prescription bottle of hydros that have your name on them." And I simply reply with "Well if my name is on a bottle of hydros it's from three years ago when I had surgery on my shoulder." And with that the cop walks away but not before asking me to take a field sobriety test. I tell him "I can't keep balance very well due to a head injury that I had received while playing football. If you want to see if I'm on anything we can just go down to the station and I'll give a blood sample. I'll come back clean and so will all my friends." Needless to say he didn't like that too much. Just as we finish our conversation my mom pulls up and he tells me to just go home and he will be in touch.
So as of now my moms car is totaled, the cops think I'm a pot dealer, I have no vehicle. (Mom took my truck for a while), and I am in the dog house for a while.
TLDR: go for a late night joyride to Waffle-House in moms car and totaled it. Sad sad day.
Edit: spelling
Maliciousphish: I'm confused by who's pot it was. If it was your mom's and she's a cop, she would lose her job over that? So was it yours?
demon_stare7: There was none. It was a scare tactic to try to get OP to confess to something. Cops are legally allowed to lie to you to get something out of you.
Really, a cop didn't have probable cause unless you or your friends appeared to be high or intoxicated, so he couldn't have searched it to begin with if you didn't consent.
Zarloros: wtf seriously? thats such bullshit, cops are meant to protect people, not actively try to fuck them over for something they didnt do
Andrew_88: I wish this suprised me as much as it did you :/
Zarloros: I suppose thats because im used to European police, who are actually useful most of the time.
Andrew_88: [This happened in my state recently](http://www.suntimes.com/27487657-761/lawsuit-chicago-cops-physically-verbally-abuse-woman-on-video.html)
| 7 | 3.428571 | |
1400220643 | 1400249126 | t3_25oyq0 | t5_2to41 | 42 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing my flash drive full of porn on a school field trip.
So my friends and I go on an overnight field trip that lasted for about three days. I decided to bring my porn drive for shits and giggles because I was rooming with three other friends of mine in a hotel room without chaperones. The 16 gb flash drive was filled to the brim with HD quality pornography, and we attempted to watch it when it was plugged in to the tv. We didn't jack off or anything; we merely watched it's comedic values and the ability to pass time while we were trapped in the hotel room. Throughout the next couple of days, I left the porndrive in the tv and had forgotten about it. Then came the day that we had to pack up and leave. Of course I had to be a fucking idiot and label the flash drive with my personal info, name and address. Once we got back home, I had realized that all my funny fetish porn was left behind, and there was the possibility that I would get in trouble for bringing a flash drive full of porn to a school field trip.
TL;DR: Brought fetish porn to field trip and lost it, which contained my personal info.
EBeast99: Who stores porn on a USB anymore? This is 2014, the epitome of future! You can watch porn on the internet and lie about your age to get in!
agent_yolo: internet in hotel, if even, aint free m8.
Voyager5555: Storing shit on your computer, however, is.
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1400224133 | 1400266480 | t3_25p1vf | t5_2to41 | 906 | Nattybohbro: TIFU at work...I'm a server
So as the title says, I work as a server and have for basically my entire working career, around 7 years. Now I think anyone who has worked in the service industry knows, or anyone who has common sense knows you shouldn't discuss a tip with a guest unless is a great one and all you should say then is thank you. Now I work at a very popular corporate restaurant in a very touristy area in Baltimore that also attracts a lot of...locals. On a usual day I get around 1-2 stiffs, and anytime I get a tip of 20% or higher I am genuinely surprised. I say that because I should be very used to it although today something just set me off. I had just finished up a table of...locals, I picked up the check presenter and went on my way to close out the check. They left me 55 cents. Well I was particularly pissed off for whatever reason and as they were walking out the door I followed them, I went out the front door, which is where employees smoke at (I know it is weird, hard to explain unless you see the set up of the restaurant) and as they are walking away I say "Thank you ladies for that 55 cent tip", and I turn to see one of my managers there smoking a cigarette with his mouth open in awe. Needless to say I have been suspended and will probably be fired. I'm an idiot, I fucked up. Every server knows that is the golden rule, you just don't do that, but my dumbass did. Oh well, on to the next job.
Edit/Update: Fixed the awe, 3 am post, sorry grammar nazis. I have been fired, not surprising since it is a corporate restaurant. On the bright side this is my most successful post ever so at least I've got that going for me. Someone make a Bill Murray meme while I send out resumes.
dellcos: This shit always cracks me up. I've had tons of server friends and was also one myself for awhile in which I prepared the food and drinks, served the table, and then bussed the table. A .55 cent tip is bad, but to get mad and feel entitled to it makes you a douche.
#1 - You have no idea what that person's life circumstances are and whether they can afford to give you much money. Even at a nice restaurant it could be someone that scrounged around for weeks to take the GF to a nice meal.
#2 - At a nice place, as stated above by someone, 10% is an "insult." Well let's do the math. If you sit down at a nice restaurant for an hour and have a meal that costs $100 and the tip is $10. The server in this case would never have spent more than 15 to 20 minutes directly on your table. So do the math. That "insult" is a wage rate of $30-40 dollars an hour to carry plates and wipe down crumbs. As the bill gets bigger, that wage rate skyrockets.
The tippers, when compared to what you did for them and the amount they tip is ALMOST EVERY TIME well above the minimum wage. Which, YOUR EMPLOYER REFUSES TO PAY YOU.
Start bitching about the restaurant lobby that's fucking you. Not the customers. You are barely doing anything for them. It's menial labor. The restaurant should have to pay minimum at least like every other fucking business. You are complaining about the wrong people.
Edit: Accidently worked out wage using 20% the first time.
MerlinBrando: If you can afford to go out and eat, you can afford to tip.
dellcos: So the poor should be denied the opportunity to eat out now and then just to make sure you get a tip? No tip, no decent meal for you! No extra fun or a good time with your loved ones if you can't afford to tip, JUST STAY HOME YOU POOR PIECE OF TRASH! We don't want you here if you can't tip us! Good attitude.
Sounds like you only have sympathy for "poor" people if they are a server.
Again, the problem is with the restaurant being exempted for paying decent wages like every other business. Not with the customers.
MerlinBrando: So edgy dude.
dellcos: Is that not what you are saying?
Edit: Just read your other comment. That is what you are saying. No fun unless you can tip. Cool dude. No romantic dinners for your wife. No Chuckie Cheese for your kid, not if you can't tip. That stuff is reserved for tippers!
MerlinBrando: Yeah dude, you have to tip, just like they have to bring you food.
There are all kinds of places to eat out that are affordable. You seem to think that the welfare of this person should be pushed somewhere else, I don't really see why. To add, you've also set up a completely arbitrary nonexistent situation which is rather fallacious. The person in your argument is taking advantage of someone else, I don't think it's vice-versa. If the service is perfect, why would it be alright to screw them?
dellcos: No, you are missing the point. The anger and outrage should be directed properly. It should be directed at the corrupt restaurant crony system in which they don't have to pay their workers like the rest of the businesses in the country.
It's to the point that they have you and most other servers saying things like you just did above. You have no heart? A poor father wants to treat his child at Chuckie Cheese just once after his son has been begging and all his friends went.
But you say he can't go unless he can tip you 8 bucks on top. And if he tips anyways and just gives a couple bucks even though he can't really afford it, you guys will bitch about him for 15 minutes in the kitchen and call him every name imaginable. It's pathetic in my opinion. You should direct your anger at the corrupt system.
It just dawned on me that you may not even be a server, so take all the "you's" in a general sense if that is the case.
MerlinBrando: There's no outrage, I don't specifically care if someone does not tip me well, its fine, but they tipped and it's appreciated like any, non insulting tip (Persay, just the change presented with an attitude.) However, lets not argue in fallacies and emotional appeals to Fred A. Poorman who you insult by saying deserves charity from chuck e cheese employees. I would like to direct you south to my other comment about the actual nuts and bolts of the business. It is more then likely that nobody would be able to afford to eat out if the business was changed to how you desire.
However this really gets back to what I was saying, if you can't afford something- you can't afford something. I'm sure you desire things in your life that are unobtainable, but you hardly expect a hand out because you can't afford it. (A restaurant meal should never be unattainable- lets ignore that.)
After we're done discussing the injustices in American tipping standards, lets get in to the ridiculousness of income tax and social security taxes too. Its moot, just give the kid a few bucks and be on with your day. Seriously, it's not the end of the world and it's not that great an injustice dropping 35 instead of 30 dollars.
dellcos: Your idea that no one would be able to eat out makes no sense. When I go out to eat I factor in the tip to how much I know I will spend because of the system.
If you are paid decently and I am no longer "required" to tip unless I want. Then it costs the same to me unless I'm in a good mood and feel generous or receive excellent service.
You can't just raise the price of food based on the no tipping philosophy without recognizing the fact that the customers would save around 15% on average from not having to tip. It's a wash. Clearly.
Your last paragraph reeks of the problems we have in society. Just ignore the problem and pony up!
I'm a big tipper percentage wise. That's the other thing, haha, servers always assumes because you see through the BS that you don't tip. On the contrary, people with my opinion are probably the biggest tippers on average.
MerlinBrando: The cost of the server would be pushed onto you immediately. You say they deserve a livable wage, certainly more then 7.25-8.25 that most states pay. Servers have the largest impact on service. To supply a reasonably busy restaurant, lets say one doing a 1000 dollar hour, you have to figure in the wages into that. Lets say a modest 5 cooks, with a single expo and a dishwasher and 2 prep cooks. So 9 people, lets say they all make 10 an hour. So 10% of the the entire hour is just going to hourly employees in the back. Now lets add 3 host and a bartender- they get paid less, for the purposes of simple math lets pay them all 6 an hour. So that is another 24 dollars from that hour. (90+24=114) So right now just the back of house employees are eating about 10% of the sales.
A thousand dollar hour at a low check restaurant is going to require 6-8 (we'll say 7) servers. at 2.13 thats a measly 14 dollars in wages. (128)
Lets change that number to 10 now. its 70. (184) So at that point this restaurant is at nearly 20% of its sales going to it's employees wages, before factoring in all of the real essential information like food cost, variance, profit, comps, spillage and general loss, as well as capital costs like electricity, oils, signage, sales etc. So how in the world do you expect a 500% wage increase to the restaurant to save you 15%?
O BUT WAIT
Hosts, bartenders, and bussers get tipped by the servers- so lets redo our math and pay them 8$ 12$ and 8$ respectively. (196) now its even higher, and this is only a moderate 1000 dollar lunch hour.
dellcos: Well, you don't need all that figuring. All you have to do is realize that to maintain the status quo for all wage earners at a restaurant you would simply transfer the exact amount everyone is paying in tips into wages paid by the restauranteur and raise the food prices in accordance.
Of course this wouldn't give the servers a raise, it would just maintain the status quo. It would just transfer who pays them the wage. So, just using basic logic, to maintain the status quo, the math works out exactly if you simply say "tipping not expected, we pay are servers minimum or higher."
It is the law that servers who don't make enough tips to reach minimum wage must be reimbursed to the minimum wage. So this means that the averages tips in a restaurant + the average wage is already minimum wage or above.
And here's the thing, then a tip is a tip. You will still get the occasional tip. And instead of that tip helping get you to the minimum wage, it will put you over it.
MerlinBrando: okay, well tipping standard is 20%, you already complained that this is a steal on the guest, which it may be. Putting an additional 20% of sales cost on any restaurant would put them under, and to figure the wage of the server at 10% would put them under. As you said, most servers are making well above minimum. Really good ones, way above. There really isn't a perfect solution that maintains the perks of the job, which really surmount to- It's a good way to make a decent livable wage if you're a single mother, student, or not particularly skilled in anything and you can take it anywhere.
A better model is the hairdressing model, where servers would have to be licensed, but hair dressers don't have another side of their business to pay and they're skilled professionals. If you make a server a "professional" now they're intrinsically worth way more then minimum.
Theres no way to make it mcdonalds without cutting out the whole service part.
dellcos: Why would it put them under if they are charging more for the food in correspondence to the tip? The customer would pay the same, on average, after all is figured. So it would not affect business as total cost is all anyone actually cares about.
So the total amount of money available to be paid in wages does not change.
Also, there should be no licensing for any of this bullshit. Licensed to cut hair? I can figure out who is capable of cutting my hair just fine without looking at a piece of paper issued by idiots that never even cut hair. Same goes for everything else.
MerlinBrando: What's unique about serving is that it is one of few industries, where personal unquantifiable skill is profitable. One server being better then others per say- but what you suggest is a flat rate. At least hairdressers, get their nice wage- but then make their tips off of skill and their customer base.
If that's taken out of it- lets say you have two servers. Ones awesome, he has tons of regular guests, the other sucks and no one comes for him. They're both on shift, they both make the same- but one produces nothing, the other does, but one gets boned and the other doesn't. There isn't any kind of formula to pay based on these skills. (This begs the question, why have server B at all- lets ignore that.)
dellcos: I'm not suggesting a flat rate. We are starting to get more general here. Society wide, I would suggest that everyone works for whatever they feel is a fair price for their effort.
What I'm saying specifically about the servers is the problem they have of not making very much is a product of the system. They are screwed more than most people by it because we live in a system with a (destructive in my opinion) MW, BUT THEY GET LEFT OUT! What a cruel trick!
But the restaurant lobby has been successful on propagandizing servers into believing that people who don't tip 20% are fucking cheap assholes. Uncaring, insensitive, pricks. That is simply not true and it has worked for decades to keep the heat off the real "exploiters."
And believe me, I hesitate to use that work, because it doesn't apply to small time businesses just working within the system. They aren't exploiting anyone, they are just going by the law. But places like Applebee's, Cheesecake factory, etc. have worked to put laws in place and keep laws in place that allow this. Now that IS exploitation.
My entire point from the start has been on where to put the blame. We've have gotten off into a bit of a tangent (which I have enjoyed).
MerlinBrando: I enjoyed it too, and you're not wrong it's a systematic problem- but might I add, I make a lot of fucking money when I do serve- I'm really good at it. I'm more into management now- which I appreciate a lot more, because I'm not forced to cater to people I'd rather not- but what sets me apart from others I work with is my willingness to WOW the guest at all costs and that right there is difference between a good restaurant and a good server and a bad one.
dellcos: Oh, believe me I know. One of my best friend's is the head of the wait staff at Pete Miller's in Evanston, IL. One of Chicago's highest class places and he straight makes bank. He's really good and people love him. A good server without a doubt adds value. Sometimes a lot.
MerlinBrando: Exactly, beyond that, a restaurant with a 'veteran' wait staff is a beacon to it's community, a place to work for their teens with mobility. People like that, they love being able to sit down and have their favorite server deliver them shit. This reflects well on the community, the restaurant, corporation, server, and management. It's a difficult business- and it's issues like this that can make it difficult for servers/management to understand their guests. But intrinsically, a good restaurant is good for everyone.
dellcos: Agreed.
| 20 | 45.3 | |
1400221435 | 1400263374 | t3_25ozgt | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by blewing a chance to work at Google
Last week I had a call from Google, they found me through linkedIn, and said they liked my past work and CV.
We had a few email exchanges and things were going great, at first I was proposed 1 position but as things progresses they proposed me with another position at the HQ!! (I'm not American), I tried to inquire further about the position but the HR said
"well if you want the detail you could ask it during the interview."
"Yes SIR!!"
I was like WTF!! I must've been dreaming, my current job is shit and now Google actually want me! It felt like a million dollars, my wife and I started imagining the sick future we're going to have. Living in SF, having a nice car (finally), condos, maybe another child since we might be able to afford it, and all that jazz.
So they set me up for an interview date, and when the day finally came, I was so fucking excited and super-nervous I couldn't sleep the night before, I had only 1 hours of sleep.
During the interview, I was sleepy as hell, I was trying hard not to lose my consciousness, I couldn't think straight, PLUS the interview was happening on Google voice which, surprise-surprise, had a shitty connection, the voice was fluctuating, I can't barely hear his voice
So the dialog opens like this.
"Are you authorize to work in USA?"
"euh, no"
"Ow, then if we were to proceed with the hiring process, the decision might come only at the end of 2015, so I think it's better for you to find opportunities around your region"
I was like WTF is going on here? why did they propose a position in USA if he's asking that, are they serious?!?! At this point I completely lost interest, my confidence just went down the drain, all the dream I had were lost!
So after a few awkward pauses, he said.
"Have you already known about the position"
"Euh, not in detail"
"Oh my gosh"
Apparently there were some miscommunications between the HR staffs, the HR in USA thought that I was applying for the position, so he must've had thought I was a fucking retard not to research on the job before the interview.
After explaining the position, I just realize that it wasn't the position I wanted and PLUS even I did get it, I had to wait 2 years just to start the job! I was struggling with conflicting thoughts in my head.
"So what kind of position you wanted"
With the weakest conviction a man could have ever had, I said..
"Euh, I really wanted to lead or managerial"
So after this the connection went bad again, but he kept on talking, I completely blanking out, it was the longest 10 minutes ever.
And then at some point he pauses, apparently was waiting for my answer, but at that time I thought he was thinking of something to say, so there was an awkward silence for a few seconds and after that, he ended the interview.
After I hung up I sat down, and thought I was the biggest dumb-ass ever, but at least I still got the old position on my hand, then I contacted the previous HR about the first position he then said
"sorry but the Hiring Manager said you're not qualified for it."
I was like WTFuckiing is happeninnng, there is no god!!
After the dust had fallen, I just realized that the HR was trying to find me a job that fits me, and if I were smart and had enough sleep!! I could've get one.
Dear god, I was waiting for this opportunity for years, and I blew it!! big fucking time! in one week I felt like a Superman to garbage.
I just want to jump off a bridge now.
**edit**
ENLGIHS IS NOT MY FIRST LANGUALGE PEOPLEKE!!!
miatatony: shit man, that definitely sucks. But hey, if your work experience looks good enough for google to notice, at least that means you have the potential to get another job better than your current one, even if it isn't google. Plus, the reality of working for google and living in SF is probably not as amazing as it looks in your head. I lived in SF for a year for university, rent and housing is RIDICULOUSLY expensive, forget having a car because you'll never find a place to park it, and the public schools aren't that great for kids either. But not gonna lie, working for google is just about everyone's dream job around here in the bay..
me_love_you_longtime: the HR said that he will call me again in December, even said that if the need be I can contact him again. I'm not sure if that just fake consolation or something really serious.
Because I think he knew that offering a job which you have to wait for 2 years it's kind of ridiculous.
So he said maybe on December it'll be closer to October 2015, although my life would probably change at that time but I definitely will contact him again, after this thing blow over.
As you said everybody wants to go to Google, so he'd probably forgotten about me in a month or so
esearcher: I don't know if they explained this, they probably did, but the wait is related to H1B visa quotas and when the application period opens again.
Many people don't have a problem continuing to work while waiting, it's just a plan for the future. So being unable to wait for that date, even for something you really want, just because it will require you to keep working locally is kind of missing the forest for the trees.
Also, not researching the job is totally outside of the norm for Google candidates. If you stay in contact with the HR rep, make sure you know the ins and outs of the job completely in order to discuss it intelligently.
me_love_you_longtime: > I don't know if they explained this, they probably did, but the wait is related to H1B visa quotas and when the application period opens again.
yes, they did explain this to me.
> Many people don't have a problem continuing to work while waiting, it's just a plan for the future.
But 1+ years is a long time, let's say I got a job for a junior engineer today, 1+ years from now my skill and experience would be completely different, I'd would probably be eligible for a senior position.
If it's just 4-8 months I would've understood, plus he even told me to look outside US, when he specifically said do you want to work in the US? I don't understand? was he joking?
It's ridiculous isn't it? everybody would've thought of that, especially the HR of Google, I was a bit pissed when he said that to be honest.
> Also, not researching the job is totally outside of the norm for Google candidates.
There were 2 HR staff who were handling me, I was proposed for a position by the 1st one (I didn't actually apply for it) so naturally I would ask because I need to know in detail what the job description is, I cant accept a job without knowing what it is, the 1st HR said just ask it during the interview.
Is that strange?
> If you stay in contact with the HR rep, make sure you know the ins and outs of the job completely in order to discuss it intelligently. So maybe in December everybody would completely forgotten about me.
I really want to, everything was just a misunderstanding, but human relationship is not my good points, I'm scared that I would screw it up even more.
So maybe December
esearcher: If you got a job as a Junior Engineer, 1.5 years of experience wouldn't qualify you to be a senior engineer, but it doesn't matter anyway. If you are differently qualified at that point and the job is available, well, you're already on the visa list so whatever. Also, priorities. Google is used to people taking title cuts or responsibility cuts to work for them. If you're already an employee, when promotions come up, you can apply for them. Most people would wait many years and take whatever Google was willing to give them, considering Google pays for the visa process and moves you at their expense. You can't have it all, you know?
Did he tell you to look outside the US for a position with google at one of their other offices? Because if so, that would make you eligible for an intracompany transfer visa after a year, which is a different process and not quota-based like the H1B. I imagine that's one way that companies get around the H1B quotas. So if that's what they were offering, a position with Google elsewhere, and you scoffed at it for any reason... unreal.
Is it ridiculous to ask if you want to work in the US? No, frankly, it's not. Not everyone wants to come to the US. Given a choice between a european office and US, a lot of people would pick the former. So you were pissed because the guy was confirming that you want to work in the US? Wouldn't it be presumptuous and rude to just take it for granted that everyone is just desperate to work in the US?
All of Google's jobs are on the site, you could have written down the title and read the job description. Come on, dude. Your attitude kind of blows and you seem unwilling to lift a finger.
me_love_you_longtime: Sorry, I'm at the denial stage at the moment, 4 more to go.
Yes, of course I admit it's entirely my fault, I could've talked my way out of it, but I didn't.
hence TIFU.
esearcher: That's ok, you're allowed to be in denial. Hopefully some of the things people have said, and some of the american cultural norms mentioned here will help you for the next time you're possibly up for a position there! Good luck (and if they offer you a job elsewhere, like Ireland - they were recruiting heavily there for a while, for instance, TAKE IT. US isn't the be all and end all, I promise!)
me_love_you_longtime: The job was at the HQ, Silicon Valley! the center of technology! oh, imagine I could've met john carmack, go to world class seminars, etc.
that what appeal me most.
But all is lost now, I don't think that opportunity will come again.
Anyway thanks!
ujeb: Hopefully this makes you feel better.
I lived in Silicon Valley and it's really not what most people expect. It's not bad, in fact I really enjoyed it but it was definitely hyped out of proportions. It honestly looks like a random sub-urban area for the most part.
A big downside is that living there is really expensive, so when you hear about people earning a lot, remember that a good chunk of that goes towards the house.
Don't let it get you down. Now that you know Google was interested you should be happier, because that means that you had something in your resume that made them want you. Use that information and apply to other large tech companies, for example Amazon.
| 10 | 2.7 | |
1400225403 | 1400437898 | t3_25p2u5 | t5_2to41 | 118 | UndeadEwoks: TIFU by picking my nose with poop.
So, there I am, sitting in front of my computer on a normal day, probably on Reddit. The only thing really different is that I had been eating a ton of junk food, which lead to a ton of shit. So, I'm sitting there and as expected I eventually have to go paint my porcelain brown.
The shit begins like any other shit, but eventually intensifies. Goes from half a log to hershey fountain in a matter of seconds. All kinds of gas bombs are going off and echoing out of the bowl, causing me, or my pathetic inner child, to start laughing uncontrollably. Let me also note that this is the middle of the night, so I'm trying not to wake people up from the sounds of me lol'ing at my exploding anus.
Well, this finally comes to an end, filling me with relief. Should be the last shit of the day and I'll be ready for a peaceful sleep. I begin wiping my ass and after a couple wipes, I notice a strange wet feeling on the back of my hand. I pull it around to investigate and find shit running down my hand. Now, I know I'm a careful wiper, so I turn around to see why there's shit, and it would seem that in the middle of me laughing at my rumbling anus, I managed to give the back of my throne a paint job. I'm appalled. So, I think to myself, quickly clean this up and get my ass cleaned up then when I'm fresh I can clean off my hand.
Well, somehow while cleaning my ass, I managed to forget there was shit running down my hand earlier. I was too busy being happy that this was almost over. I stand up and flush, and I notice in the mirror behind my toilet that I have a booger in my nose, so out of reaction (because, hey its night time who will care if I pick my nose in the bathroom) I pull my hand to my nose to start gold digging. Before I could even comprehend what was happening, the smell of a long hour at the superbowl is infiltrating my nose and despite that I quickly retract my hand, the smell is still there with a little dingleberry hanging from my nose hair. Panic Mode: Engage!
I begin freaking out trying to get the shit off my hands as quick as possible so that I can stop being bombarded with this awful stench crawling up my nose at every waking second. I eventually managed to wash my hands and wipe my nose enough times for the horror to dissipate, but no amount of kleenex could rid myself of the fact that I shit on my own hand and continued to put it up my nose.
tl;dr: I managed to shit on my toilet and hand then proceed to pick my nose with my shitty hand.
Ashers132: Why would you pick your nose before washing your hands any way? Even the mere chance of poop would mean I keep my hands away from my face until they are washed.
brewheehee: Totally. Even if he forgot that he actually had shit on his hand, wouldn't he want to wash his hands immediately after shitting? I mean, I know some people don't feel the need to wash their hands after peeing (I am definitely NOT one of those people), but after pooping?? Really??
[deleted]: I work with a guy that doesn't wash his hands. I know this because I was at the urinal when he comes out of the stall that he had been bombarding with poo cloud and walks right out the bathroom door. Doesn't even go for "run water and fake wash" bullshit. Just straight up grabs the handle with his poo fingers, opens the door, and walks out. Even better is we have computer workstations that everyone uses. Keyboards must be so filthy
brewheehee: Nooooooooooooooooo! That's terrible!
| 5 | 23.6 | |
1400230465 | 1400238460 | t3_25p6ie | t5_2to41 | 13 | thejam15: TIFU by not drinking enough water.
To be blunt I got a fucking kidney stone. If any of you haven't had one its probably one of the most painful things you can go through (doctors compare it to childbirth) It was a pretty slow day at work and all ive had to drink was a small amount of water and mostly sodas. I go to sleep at about 2am and wake up at 4:30am with terrible pain in my side/back kinda feels like youve been sleeping on it wrong/too much and want to move except the pain is MUCH more intense and there is no relief when moving. The most I can do is shake and wait for it to pass. Thus here I am laying here as the phantom pains subside. People please make sure you're drinking enough water.
misterneut: Drink beer
thejam15: Too young
misterneut: Then get off reddit
thejam15: Im actually 18 drinking age here is 21
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1400230241 | 1400251020 | t3_25p6cn | t5_2to41 | 12 | 56productions: TIFU by playing with my cord for the computer
Well, it's not today but it was about a week ago.
I was doing my bussiness with my really bad laptop. I use my laptop for gaming, and it is obviously made for office work, since it has no vent. I played a game for about 6 hours without saving it, and I was thinking of saving it, but I always said to myself "Just need to do this, I'll save in 5 minutes".
Now here's the thing. My computer overheats a lot, so I removed the battery and it has to have power from the cord CONSTANTLY.
I was tangling it around my foot (the cord) since I was waiting for somebodys turn in a game, and poof, my laptop released a short thumping noise and it turns off. I was really scared what happend, and then I realised I plugged out the cord out of the wall by accident. I just lost 6 hours of game progress. fml
tl;dr TIFU by pulling out my extension cord by accident and loosing 6 hours of gameplay progress.
Ragnar_OK: What were you playing?
fun_boat: I bet it was an emulator of some kind.
56productions: FYI, I was playing RimWorld. You can check it out if you want, it's a nice game.
Daylen: Prison Architect.. in space?
56productions: That is the best description of this game ever.
| 6 | 2 | |
1400235431 | 1400240702 | t3_25p9y5 | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by burning a homeless man..
So I was out on the town seeing a band and getting obnoxiously drunk as i tend to do, the night was winding down and my house mate wanted to head home which was fine cause he was driving. We were walking to the car when i ducked into the 711 to get myself a sobering sausage roll. I had to heat one up in the microwave cause there weren't any hot ones though i must have put it in for far too long cause when it came out it was fucking volcanic, the type when it's so hot you have to juggle it up and down and even then you still burn.
Flash forward, i'm walking to the car and theres a homeless guy sleeping on the bench, i think to myself i should be a good bloke and give the guy my sausage roll. Only he doesn't wake up. I slap him a few times but nothing i do seems to wake him. What i do is gently place my sausage roll on his chest and get into the car to drive home feeling like a saint.
This is until the next morning i realise I fucked up. There i was juggling my sausage roll cause it was so hot i couldn't even touch it, and I somehow thought it was a good idea to put it on this poor guy's bare chest!
All i can think about is how another homeless man could have come along, or even a cheeky magpie, pinching the by now luke warm and ready to eat sausage roll off his chest, and the poor guy would wake up wondering why his chest has been scolded, still hungry, in pain and very confused.
riceandpea: All I can think of is that scene from the movie Layer Cake with the dead guy, lying on the desk with an Iron on his chest.
Nusnud: Now force to re watch Layer Cake to remember said scene...
Thank you kind citizen
| 3 | 5 | |
1400245591 | 1400294018 | t3_25pj5q | t5_2to41 | 2,259 | StalkersSuck: TIFU by killing a spider.
Today, as I was walking past my living room, I saw a spider. This motherfucker was not your everyday spider-bro, this spider was FUCKING HUGE. Instinctively, I 'nope'd out of there, then went back with my shoe, and killed it. Said spider so happened to be carrying a fuckton of baby spiders on its back. They went everywhere. In the carpet. Up the wall. Fucking. Everywhere.
BRB burning down house.
Any_Monkey: You'll live. My aunt fucked up by killing a spider because she flipped it the bird first before smashing it with her hand. The problem is that it was a brown recluse that, when threatened, reared back and exposed its fangs, which my aunt then promptly ran right into the back of her hand. The spider injected its venom, tissue died, aunt went to hospital, surgery, now has permanent damage. She'll live too, and her hand is mostly alright. But, if she hadn't taken the extra effort to display her disdain for this creature, she wouldn't have gotten the mess she got into in the first place.
homingmissile: Nah, I posit that her real fuck up was engaging the spider in unarmed combat.
BDM22: Ikr? That woman has balls. I cant even squish a spider I have to just spray it with whatever I can while yelling at it not to jump on me and to die lol
shannonigans__: I have like a 7 foot board I use to kill them because I'm entirely too scared to get close to them :|
BDM22: I dont like the crushing sensation though! The struggle is real :c
shannonigans__: Haha that's why you just get a really long piece of wood and use that. You don't hear, see, or feel it!
BDM22: But don't you have st scrape it off? What if I pick up the end I used for squishing and a bug leg I missed when cleaning the wood ends up on me? lol
shannonigans__: Hahahaha all of the ones I've killed haven't stuck, or if they did, you can just scrape it off onto the floor and then vacuum it up. Once you start, you'll get into a groove and it'll be easy peasy
BDM22: lol it's a conversation starter for sure:
**company** "Hey, what's this piece of wood for?" they'll say while closely examining the wood closely
**Me** "Oh, that's just my killing plank. O.O"
shannonigans__: Hahahaha yeah I've gotten a few questions but I just tell them they don't understand the gravity of the situation. The MFers that come up in here are terrifying and huge so I want no parts of getting close to them!
BDM22: lol its life or death in this bitch, kill or be killed, dog eat dog....more stuff along those lines. Thug life.
shannonigans__: word
| 13 | 173.769231 | |
1400244804 | 1400266211 | t3_25pi99 | t5_2to41 | 23 | iwillcallyoudude: TIFU by getting too fucked up to fuck
My birthday was yesterday, which typically involves lots of drinking and questionable decision making, but my girl and I just had a simple plan that involved going to dinner, having a few drinks, then spending the rest of the night passionately rubbing our naked bodies together in all sorts of hot, sexy, interesting ways. Sounded like a pretty fucking solid plan to me!
Night started out great. Had a couple of beers with dinner, was feeling good. Stopped by the liquor store on the way home to grab another six pack. We get back to my place, crack another beer and smoke some weed. We were starting to get a little silly and the drunken horniness was strong in both of us. As we started moving on to the portion of our evening that required no clothing, the question of 'should I have just one more beer and smoke a little more weed before before we get down to it?' was incorrectly answered with a resounding 'YES!'.
The gravity of that bad decision was not fully realized until a little while later, when our libidos kicked into overdrive and our clothes went from covering up our goodies to a rumpled pile in the floor. Touching, grabbing kissing, sucking, all the fun foreplay stuff was going on and it was getting hot in here. We had just moved into the 69, our favorite of the naughty pre-intercourse positions, when it all started going downhill.
Room starts spinning, I cannot focus, I am starting to sweat, my stomach is beginning to argue with me. Trying to be a trooper, I continued, but alas, it was not to be. It started feeling like a game of Pin The Tail On The Donkey, except instead of spinning me around to make it more difficult, I drank/smoked too much and instead of a tail on a donkey, I was pinning my tongue into a completely different kind of tail. I told the SO that we had to stop for a minute because I was not feeling so well, which was basically my way of saying that I was waaaay too fucked up to continue and my life expectancy had just changed to about an hour from that point. She got off my face and we were just chilling, trying to wait it out, when I felt it. The Big Puke. Coming on strong. Ugh.
Trying to be demure, I excused myself to the downstairs bathroom, our of earshot of my bedroom, and proceeded to vomit my soul out of my body with such velocity, I thought I was going to break the back of the toilet. You know life has taken an unexpected turn for the worse when you start throwing up french fries out your nose. The fury with which I emptied the contents of my stomach was truly shocking, I actually thought that my stomach was going to come out my mouth, land in the toilet and never be seen again.
Feeling slightly better, I brushed my teeth, tried to put on my 'I didn't just puke my guts out' face and went back to the living room where my SO had moved sometime during my vomitus ordeal. Just as I sat down, the room started to spin furiously once again. I stood up and walked around a bit, which stopped the room from spinning a bit, but did not get rid of the pukey feeling altogether, requiring an emergency dash back to the bathroom for another session in the torture chamber. For the next couple hours, I went through a continuous cycle of drink as much water as possible, walk around so the room doesn't spin me into oblivion, savagely puke, repeat. After my girl left, there was another hour or so of this until I ultimately passed out. No idea when or how I got back to the sofa, all I remember is one second puking in the bathroom, the next second waking up at 2:00 AM to puke again and literally dragging my sorry broken ass upstairs to bed.
And today, I am nursing the mother of all hangovers. Took the day off to get some shit done around the house, but I can assure that nothing is getting done except napping and recovery. Shout out to my girl for being understanding. I was quite embarrassed, still am, but she just kept repeating 'Don't worry about it, it happens to all of us sometimes' and made me feel worlds better about it after the fact. But I just turned 39, I know better than to mix booze and weed. Not sure what the fuck I was thinking, but I believe that I have learned my lesson. Until my birthday next year, anyway.
TL:DR - Got way too fucked up to fuck on my birthday.
Voyager5555: TIL 3 beers and some weed can render someone useless.
iwillcallyoudude: Ha, it was four beers, but still bad nonetheless. Not that I am inexperienced, but sometimes it just hits you the wrong way.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1400247877 | 1400256059 | t3_25pm0d | t5_2to41 | 45 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing my house, car, business, credit, maybe wife, kids
Wasn't really today. Was two years in the making.
Married to a super woman with two wonderful kids. But, it wasn't enough. Found a girl, in a brothel, of course. Fell in love, of course. Picked up a methamphatamine habit. Blew countless $. Lived in limbo. Spent tax on drugs and living a double life. Performed poorly at work. Business opportunity performed badly, costing money I couldn't afford to lose. Girl I loved had issues, with me, with her, with her psychoses, with my bouts of psychosis, issues with control, trust, paranoia. It all turned to shit, I got physical scars. She left me with debts for rent never paid. Busted up so many times it doesn't warrant counting. We finally done for good. Wife took me back (madness). Got a good job. Stuck with debts from business, drug haze. Bank no longer helping, took all my money - nothing for food or immediate expenses. Lent friend car. Car got rear-ended. Insurance not paid (for want of $350, which is exactly what ex-said she would pay for drugs last time I saw her --- she can be happy now). Car wrecked. Next week's pay will be $500 short for just loan repayments.
It all came to a head today. House to sell next week. Truck to sell next week (left over from business, on my tab of course). Remaining shares to sell. Renting for the first time in 20 years.
Wife has finally reached the end. Touch and go to move other end of the country near family and friends. With kids. Me? Not likely any time soon. Could be the end, and she deserved so much better.
But you know what. I'm okay. I fucked up. I fucked up big time. I acknowledge this and I was in an insane fantasy, losing my self awareness and able to justify the craziest shit.
BUT. I don't hate myself. I don't feel self pity. I've felt grief and hurt. I've felt overwhelmed by the seeming enormity of "coming back" and "fixing things". I've seen the effect I've had on people. Me causing pain, that's hard to swallow. But I don't hate myself. I'm human, I've fucked up big.
But also I've been reminded how many people love me; only one hates me, apparently has a private detective on me, maybe to ensure my kids have a shit year or two too? The kiddies don't deserve that, I'm sure nothing will happen. Anyway, the things, the house, and cars, and shit, Fuck it, they're only things. Fuck, the car got wrecked but my friends are okay. Fuck the bank, fuck the tax authorities, fuck people who think they can tell me how I feel and think. Fuck it, the past has been, the future is what I can make it.
I fucking love people, my wife, my children, my family, mum, dad, brothers sister, my friends who've given me shoulders to cry on and money, slapped me to sense, pointed me straight, the goddam awesome strangers I meet every day at work, the people I fucking work with, the strangers I see and smile at me on the street: white, asian, 'nesians, indians, all of them good, the fucking plethora of interesting good cunts on Reddit, the arseholes and humourists. Fuck it, people make life worth living. Learning, reading, trying new shit.
House sold, we'll have money, a stash of it - we'll be sensible, but we'll go on a holiday, see somewhere new, weird, equally remote. Iceland.
I'm glad I fucked up so I could see how shallow sex is (but I love it), I'm glad I fucked up and got myself over my head, so I could appreciate what living's about. So maybe I could appreciate all the good people out there the ones close to me and the ones I'm yet to meet, those from my past who I will meet again here, in my dreams or in heaven. (Fuck God, heaven is a people's collective.)
TIFU I lost everything but maybe I've found myself... [Fucking hope so anyway]
[EDIT: unbelievablediscard emailed me slightly miffed that I'd cause carnage to "learn something" about myself. Fair point, and there's no excusing fucking up nor making out it was "meant to be" or "planned" for my betterment, I was a selfish fuck-knuckle, I'm really NOT actually actually glad I have fucked up effecting anyone. I'm not glad to now be upending other people's lives like this.]
[deleted]: I wish I could get over stuff that easy, I flip shit when I lose 20 bucks x-x
CASHSWAG99: oh and omg when you buy something and then a day later it goes on sale for like half the price? fuck that shit
| 3 | 15 | |
1400250688 | 1400304429 | t3_25pq1v | t5_2to41 | 101 | LunaticSongXIV: Tifu by drinking water instead of coke
My doctor told me to lay off the soda on Wednesday. I hate drinking water. I don't care how many times you tell me it is tasteless, I can't stand drinking it. So I decided to compromise.
I bought one of those water flavoring squeeze bottles, and took it to work with me. I got to work and went to the cafeteria to get some breakfast as I always do. Not being a water drinker, I grabbed the nearest bottled water I could see and made my way to my desk.
I ate all my food without touching the water, had a brief meeting work my supervisor, and then I had to hit the bathroom. I grabbed the water and the flavoring and went off to the restroom.
While sitting on the can, I'm reading the instructions on the flavoring bottle. One squeeze per 8oz. The bottle was 16 oz. I opened the bottle, and the water starts fizzing. Sparkling water? No problem. I don't mind carbonation. I open the flavoring, hold it over the bottle's mouth and squeeze hard. Almost instantly, the bottle exploded upward in a blue/purple fountain of fizzy, foamy bubbles pouring about 1/5 of the contents of the bottled right into my dropped trousers.
Now I am sitting in my office looking like I pissed myself.
At least the flavoring worked. The water isn't too bad. Maybe I can actually follow through with my doctor's instructions for once.
Voyager5555: " I grabbed the water and the flavoring and went off to the restroom."
Why is god's name would you do this?
I_NEED_FRIENDS: I laughed so hard when I saw that, who does that?
LunaticSongXIV: I confess, I do not treat the restroom as a sacred place as others do. If I can get something done while I shit, I will do it. I write entire emails on the crapper on a fairly regular basis.
Quacktard: Woah, woah. Writing emails is one thing. I mean who doesn't browse reddit and poo? But having opened containers of liquid with all those poo particles all up in there? No thank you.
LunaticSongXIV: I grew up on a farm. Inhaling shit particles is not a concern to me.
Fluffy8x: You deserve to have shit stuffed into your mouth.
LunaticSongXIV: Again. Grew up on a farm. While "stuffed" into my mouth isn't entirely accurate, it has happened. I've also involuntarily drank animal piss.
| 8 | 12.625 | |
1400252802 | 1400263677 | t3_25pt5m | t5_2to41 | 4 | allotherspaycash: TIFU by trying to order in Spanish at a Hispanic neighborhood Subway
Voyager5555: TL;DR - Choked on Red Pills dick while being a racist idiot, got what I deserved. Also, there's no such thing as a "Mexican meatball" at subway.
allotherspaycash: I order in seamless spanish. The girls laugh and one always asks if I want besos (kisses) but then corrects herself to "baso" (cup for a drink). I am white. The post is a joke. I mean come on, just read laugh and move on. I laughed my ass off while typing it and imagining it playing out. Sorry for trying to entertain you. Maybe switch to another subreddit to find the glee that you're searching. Best of luck friend.
Big shoutout to my spanish friends at Subway who have been teaching me new words and phrases every time I get lunch. Glad they don't share your attitude about me being a "racist idiot". :P
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1400258580 | 1400263791 | t3_25q232 | t5_2to41 | 13 | wilyame: TIFU by trying to cut ice
A few years ago, I decided that i wanted broken ice. Logically I grabbed an ice cube in one hand, and the sharpest knife I could find in my other. I cut down the ice cube, and when i was about half way through, the knife slipped, and gashed straight down my hand. I qickly did my best to hide it, cause I don't think I could have explained that to my parents.
Voyager5555: Logically?
Get a towel and a rolling pin next time.
wilyame: Or a spoon. Or hot water. Or teeth. But, as I said, I fucked up.
jozaud: My father is a dentist so I feel the need to say this: don't use your teeth.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1400263761 | 1400288534 | t3_25qaeh | t5_2to41 | 19 | M0FuK1Dy: TIFU by letting a drunk chick ride my quad
Couple days ago actually. I was enjoying a fire and the company of others down at the river, I decided to go for rip on my quad that I had just fixed up with a new clutch and exhaust. Cutie comes running over, "Can I come along?"
What single self respecting man would say no. Hop on!
We go for a rip. Now I've been riding for about 20 years, I know my way around a quad, with or without a passenger. I decide to be a nice guy and let her take the controls of my hopped up 450cc race quad with me on the back. She gets on, revs it up and dumps the clutch, effectively bucking me off onto the rocky river bed with her landing on top of me, bruising my ass and tail bone. My quad stopped on it's back wheels resting on the rear grab bar, which had bend and broke free of the frame and smashed part of my new exhaust.
After rolling around in pain for a few minutes, I assessed the damage of my poor YFZ450's first crash, dropped the bitch back off at the fire, loaded up my quad and what was left of my pride and left.
Never again...
Gandalfledore: You should have at least gotten some sex out of it....
M0FuK1Dy: Haha I had her flash me and let me pinch her nips earlier in the night, then my buddy fucked her after I left. Typical oilfield slut lol
Supajin: wat
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1400266570 | 1400302139 | t3_25qf01 | t5_2to41 | 18 | wankinthrowaway: TIFU by thinking I was home alone
I looked around for people. It appeared no one was home. Excited, I grab a phallic shaped object from the bathroom. "Well shit, no one's home, I can finally wank!"
Mum was home.
She heard that perfectly well. How did I not see her...
**Edit:** I realize my story was a bit short and felt I should extend it. My mum asked, shocked, "Excuse me, what?" as she came into the hallway to see me half-naked. She told me that if she ever swore in front of her parents, she would get a spanking. I tried to make up excuses but she wouldn't believe me. She said she has to monitor me more often to make sure I don't masturbate. Wow, I am such a joke. Why did I even need to say that anyway?
saidyep: Wait i'm confused, you actually said "i can finally wank" out loud and your mom heard you?
thatoneguy172: Yes, that is what he got in trouble for.
FuckinUpMyZoom: she?
i'd wager its a she.
> I grab a phallic shaped object from the bathroom.
he's come with their own phallic shaped objects, not extra parts necessary. (batteries not included)
wankinthrowaway: I'm a he.
DatGuy15: Why dude????
thatoneguy172: Some boys like boy parts in their parts, some boys don't. I'm guessing he could also have been talking about a fleshlight, but that's a guess, so is everything else.
| 7 | 2.571429 | |
1400256899 | 1400288713 | t3_25pzcf | t5_2to41 | 50 | dancingmrt: TIFU (yesterday) by going to a child's party.
6 slices of pepperoni pizza.
6 six pieces of fried chicken.
Cake and soda, a'plenty.
TIFU, im paying for this in spades. I'm about one trip away from being common-law married to the toilet at my work.
No projectile vomit.
No shotgun diarrhea.
The endless cramps and meat sweats are reminder enough that im no longer the iron stomach I've grown used to wielding in the war against anorexia. No, I am now a mere mortal, and acts of attrition such as my stunt yesterday are better saved for new warriors with nothing to lose.
Anyway, have a great day, TIFU.
Edit: just as me and the toilet were discussing our romantic honeymoon, my bowels just shotgun-blasted her face. Hooray! -_-
i_go_to_uri: >No projectile vomit. No shotgun diarrhea.
*yet*
dancingmrt: Just edited my original post. Lots of buckshot fired out of my bulbous ass.
i_go_to_uri: Good god. Be sure to clean your rifle thoroughly before its next use
| 4 | 12.5 | |
1400269947 | 1400372738 | t3_25qkip | t5_2to41 | 25 | TA11225: TIFU by cheating on my wife with our girlfriend.
My wife "W" and I "M" have been having a semi-regular dates and threesomes with a friend of ours "G". This past weekend I was hanging out with G bur W could not come. This happens occasionally. It wasn't a big deal. We had a little (lot) too much to drink. I know that I was getting tired and we had to be up in the morning. This is where i really fucked up. I was pretty drunk and though to myself "M, you would rather sleep in a bed than on the couch". I suggested that its getting late and we should head to the bedroom and talk until we get some sleep. I lay next to her and our bodies still remember vividly each others touch. My head is a bit fuzzy but i tell myself that I will just sleep, it will be nice and wake up refreshed. She pushes up against me which i think is nice so i don't fight it. Then I put my arms around her and try to tell myself to sleep. My little buddy isn't sleeping but I try just keep still. She then proceeds to take my hands and feel herself up. After a min or two i kinda draw my hands away. She then removes her top and bottom and is sitting on top of me in just her underwear. She asks if she should continue and I say I don't think so. I say that while it is feeling good I really can't trust myself to make the decision to go ahead. She says to me "What did you expect by coming into my bed" which made sense at the time. "I'm sure W thinks its ok" that in hindsight was a bit of a stretch. "You are in my bed, that means you want it". I could only think that she would hate me if i said no. SO i caved in. I did enjoy it (She is gorgeous, has a great body, stamina, and is quite talented). I remember feeling that I had to keep focusing on pleasing her, I couldn't focus on myself. After a few hours of that we went to sleep and the next morning i was kinda still drunk. I want sure if I was feeling a hangover or regret the next day. I haven't told W yet. I don't know how. We are all supposed to hang out in a few weeks. I guess I feel really guilty and dumb for getting myself into a situation i couldn't back. I fucked up. I'm a dick. I kinda hate myself. Lay it on me.
P.S. I apologize for any spelling errors. I don't even want to read it over to proofread. Fuck me.
toomanybugsalways: rereading this story, it definitely sounds like rape man. look up the definition- you didn't consent but she had sex with you anyway. Regardless of your enjoyment, you said no. You were intoxicated and told her you were not able to make a decision. This is like textbook rape.
irGoodman: This isnt rape you stupid fucks, dont make excuses for scumbag op.
ManimalBob: It is rape. He had been drinking and initially said no and then she coerced him into having sex with her. Just because he enjoyed it doesn't mean he wasn't coerced into the act while inebriated. If OP was a girl would you be so adamant about the fact that it wasn't rape?
irGoodman: He wasn't coerced. He justified the action several times. If it was a chick it'd be the exact same thing.
ManimalBob: "After a min or two *i kinda draw my hands away*. She then removes her top and bottom and is sitting on top of me in just her underwear. She asks if she should continue and *I say I don't think so. I say that while it is feeling good I really can't trust myself to make the decision to go ahead.* She says to me **"What did you expect by coming into my bed"** which made sense at the time. "**I'm sure W thinks its ok**" that in hindsight was a bit of a stretch. **"You are in my bed, that means you want it"**. I could only think that **she would hate me if i said no**. SO i caved in."
**Bolded** = coercive language or reasons to believe that OP was being or felt coerced.
*italics* = OP is resisting and clearly states he is not able to comfortably make a decision.
When you look at the language used and the way OP was feeling at the time, he was coerced into having sex. That is rape.
irGoodman: **I did enjoy it**
This guy is experiencing regret because he cheated on his wife. Not because he was raped. He didn't put up any sort of fight other than he doesn't think he could make the decision - he doesn't want the blame for it. If he REALLY didn't want this, I'm sure an adult male could put up a fight to NOT cheat on his wife.
| 7 | 3.571429 | |
1400270008 | 1400480867 | t3_25qkmu | t5_2to41 | 20 | nazedayo: TIFU by lying to my recruiter.
My dream job– I met with the team and aced the interviews, and then was ready to step out of my shit-stained job.
Then it happened: I basically lied to him that I had a competing offer (to see if they could beat it), and then came back to me saying he was going with someone else based on that fact.
Now I'm in shambles, I thought I was finally going to escape this miserable job into my dream job at my dream company.
Gonna go get fucked-up-drunk now.
ThegreatPee: Arrogance always bites you in the ass. That's a hard lesson to learn. We all learn that one sometime.
nazedayo: Yeah, I thought this would help me leverage my position because I've been reading a lot of articles that things like this in Business Insider that I should do everything to try and leverage/sell myself in a negotiation. This method unfortunately backfired big time though. Never again.
emmytee: You tried going direct to the company with an honest and non-arrogant email, ostensibly asking them to keep your CV for any positions that open? What do you really have to loose at this point y'know.
| 4 | 5 | |
1400270981 | 1400676075 | t3_25qm8v | t5_2to41 | 2,385 | IntOverflowException: TIFU by forgetting basic human interactions after a night of drinking
It was a long day at work the day before, I was seriously hungover the next morning due to drinking after work.
At the convenience store on the way to work the next morning I wanted a cookie so badly, like the decently sized dark chocolate cookie. So I picked it out, and went up to the cashier, and instead of handing her my cash, I handed her the cookie, and walked out.
I got to work and was mad, because I realized how much I wanted that cookie.
RLJLady: I went to the hair salon recently. I got color, highlights, blow dry and cut. So you know that the bill was high enough so that I should tip $20. So I swiped my card and added the $20 to the bill. I also bought some shampoo. So the stylist put the product in a bag and handed me the receipt and the bag. However, the $20 she took from the cash register for her tip was still tucked in between her fingers. I instinctively just grabbed at everything. She held onto that bill for all her life. I was so embarrassed. Told her that I was just used to getting cash back at point of sale and apologized profusely. Now I want a big cookie...
Bbrowny: Wow, my whole hair cut only costs $20
I_likethings: I always hold out for the $7.99 coupons to Great Clips.
BBanner: Those haircuts suck. Spend the $15 a real haircut costs.
I_likethings: I get the exact same haircut whether I pay 7.99 or 15.00.
BBanner: Only if you get a buzz.
graphicimpulse73: Is every single barber shop around the world identical to the one by you? Nope.
A men's $8 haircut is fine. I don't think you notice someone's hair and go "HEY NICE EIGHT DOLLAR HAIRCUT!" because you wouldn't notice.
The elitism and anti-elitism on reddit always amazes me. It's a fucking haircut, who cares.
BBanner: That's not what I'm getting at. Great Clips 8 dollar haircuts are generally low quality, on top of that, with hair cuts you generally do better when you're not dealing with a chain place.
TheWhiteMask: I got my haircut for $15 at a barber shop that is a one of a kind
Worst haircut of my life.
graphicimpulse73: But DUDE, it was FIFTEEN DOLLARS! Shouldn't your hair be some type of Gold now anyway?
/s
A male haircut is a male haircut. Unless you're Leonardo DiCaprio, of which I highly doubt /u/BBanner is.
| 11 | 216.818182 | |
1400271228 | 1400277939 | t3_25qmmr | t5_2to41 | 26 | drunk_or_dead: TIFU by drinking my brother's whiskey
I know it's not cool to drink someone else's booze, but occasionally after the stores and bars close I'll tap into my brother's reserves. I'll always replace it of course, but you can understand his frustration.
The past few nights I was doing this far more often than normal and he was getting pretty pissed, literally. Instead of saying "Hey, cut it the fuck out" he pissed into a whiskey bottle and put it back on the shelf.
Needless to say I got a mouthful of dark dirty piss. Definitely learned my lesson.
VenisonBurgers: It's a pretty dick thing to drink another man's liquor.
If you'd simply asked first, you probably wouldn't have had to taste his pee nectar.
drunk_or_dead: It's true. But like I said, after everything is closed. So this is at about 2 or 3AM. I was thinking he'd be more pissed off if I woke him to ask. But regardless, you're absolutely right.
breakingmad1: Why you drinking so late, not judging just curious?
drunk_or_dead: Before the mouthful of piss my reasoning was: Why not?
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1400273678 | 1400279179 | t3_25qqhr | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by wearing a Hannah Montana hat in Walmart
This was actually a few years ago, I was in high school. My writing is kind of bad, so bear with me.
My sister was in town, and we needed to buy groceries, so we decided to go to Walmart. We get to Walmart and I see some Hannah Montana clothing in an aisle. I take a look at some of these sweet hats, and think to myself, I should wear one around the store (I was in high school, cut me some slack). It looked like [This blue one](http://cdn2.thegloss.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/hannah-montana-hats.png) but it was a brown plaid color instead of blue. Point is, I looked fucking ridiculous wearing it. I was in all my awkward glory, about 6 foot tall and wearing a Hannah Montana hat. And I strutted around that walmart feeling like the funniest guy in the world, when people were just thinking I was fucking weird.
So we leave the walmart, I was over being a little comedian, and I walk out the door. I noticed the greeter was giving me a weird look, but kept going either way. My sister and I decide to go to McDonalds to get some food and while ordering my food I get the weirdest look from the cashier. Do I have something in my teeth? Well, it was until this moment that my sister decides to tell me that I'm *still wearing the Hannah Montana hat*. The whole time I was shopping with her and even when we walked out of the store, she didn't tell me I was still wearing that goddamn hat, and it was so comfortable I forgot I was wearing it. It dawned on me that I just walked out of a walmart and stole a Hannah Montana hat, while it was on my fucking head.
So I take the hat off and feel the most shame I had in a long time. My sister decides she likes it and kept it. I still think about it and laugh.
TLDR: Wore a Hannah Montana hat at a walmart, forget I'm wearing it and accidentally steal it and order McDonalds with it on.
[deleted]: wow this really isn't that bad at all
cobaltkarma: Well, he risked a theft charge.
| 3 | 5 | |
1400270930 | 1400308519 | t3_25qm5z | t5_2to41 | 50 | oh_god_why_oh_why: TIFU by accidentally farting in class
This actually happened to me a few weeks ago.
I had woken up pretty late one morning and realized I had to hurry the hell up if I didn't want to be late to my morning class. Unfortunately, I didn't have time to use the bathroom properly that morning, so I had to go to class with a rumbling tummy and a fart threatening to pop out my butt.
I go to class, sit down, and manage to contain myself for the next two hours as I listen to the painfully long lecture. Finally, 12:30 comes around--the time that we're supposed to end class. However, my professor was still finishing up on her lecture and wasn't letting us go yet; by this time, my stomach felt like it was going to explode. I needed to get out *now.*
She continued talking. I continued fidgeting. She finishes her lecture and does a few announcements. *God dammit!* my brain screamed.
And then.... that's when it happens. An odd but familiar foul-smelling odor reaches my nostrils and my stomach calms down a bit. Once I start to realize what happened, I feel the color drain off my face, and I glance over at the guy sitting next to me just in time to see the expression of realization come over his eyes.
Needless to say, the guy sits in other seats now, far away from me as much as possible. I still get embarrassed every time I see him and avoid as much eye contact as I possibly can.
breakingmad1: In my uni we would always finish at 55 past to allow us to walk to our next lesson. I'm confused did you fart or shit yourself
oh_god_why_oh_why: I farted accidentally. I honestly don't know how I wasn't aware of it, until I started smelling it.
Jigglerbutts: Farted accidentally? This is a fuckup now? Everyone has to fart and does, be proud if it smelled like sick & death.
NSAwithBenefits: A fart that sneaks out without the owner shall be known as a Sam Fisher
UncheckedException: The only hint will be the whine of night-vision.
| 6 | 8.333333 | |
1400280879 | 1400286697 | t3_25r19l | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: Tifu by getting a blowjob
Well first off, I'm a stalker of this page but first time poster, I got a lot of stories to put on here.
Anyways back to it, today me and my girl decide to go to my house for sexy times. We get down to business no fooling around, we make out for a while and then I undress her.
We go at it and I'm hitting it like a cave man from the back! You had to see the cheeks bouncing of my dick. Right when I'm about to finish I let her start sucking my dick...here's the fuck up. When she gets careless and don't put 100% giving the bj she sometimes messes up but not like this..her teeth sliced a layer of skin off my dick so close to the tip and I didn't even know it, I just felt a little bite and went with it.
My mom calls me to check on me so we stop before I finish and while I'm on the phone I look down and my cock looks like it's been through a vicious battle...He will recover soon...I finished twice so I ain't even mad. Lol thanks everyone can't wait to boost my other fuck up with weed and school for a while back...yall Will dig it.
TkMill1: How did your girl feel about what she did?
TheTrippyMane: She teared up because she felt bad. It didn't hurt too bad after it happened she was just upset.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1400286845 | 1400379045 | t3_25r9j8 | t5_2to41 | 341 | faceplanted: TIFU by leaving my daughter alone in the living room watching Pan's labyrinth.
I decided to leave my daughter alone to watch a movie downstairs and go upstairs to partly listen to music and partly fuck her mother. I'd torrented what I thought was labyrinth with David Bowie, but was actually Pan's labyrinth with people being bludgeoned with bottles in the face to disfigurement, I hadn't actually seen either movie so I assumed they were the same thing and people saying "labyrinth" were abbreviating, I fucked up bad.
[NINJA EDIT] My daughter is 7, weirdly she sat through the whole thing in silence, and she refused to answer when I asked why she didn't come and ask about anything or stop watching, I think I broke her, I'll update you when she's 18 if I really fucked her up.
[EDIT 2] I don't know if I fucked her up yet, but she keeps doing the hand-eyes thing to mess with us.
outflown: The only thing i got upset about is that she has now missed labyrinth with david bowie
justme14: I named my son Toby after this movie.
Golisten2LennyWhite: He reminds me of the babe.
rhubey: What babe?
Golisten2LennyWhite: The babe with the power.
[deleted]: What power?
Golisten2LennyWhite: The power of VOODOO
[deleted]: Who do?
Golisten2LennyWhite: You do!
[deleted]: Do what?
Golisten2LennyWhite: Remind me of the babe!
..my life is complete
[deleted]: I wasn't going to start this until I saw that someone had done it out of order
Golisten2LennyWhite: I know right? I sing that song to myself to this day and I am an audio engineer in his 30s. Thanks for helping me finish the best verse to any song ever.
| 14 | 24.357143 | |
1400279597 | 1400640928 | t3_25qzhj | t5_2to41 | 13 | inevitabled34th: TIFU by restarting Firefox.
So today when I got home from my buddies house, I decided to do what I always do and got on my computer. I was maybe a minute into using reddit when Firefox asked me if I wanted to speed up my experience. It wasn't too slow, but I said why not. I clicked "speed up my computer" and it told me how to restart Firefox. Pretty easy and simple, right? Nope. It deleted all of my saved passwords, so now I have to go back and remember everything. But the worst of all of it is every time I try to go to any web page, it keeps telling me that the connection is untrusted and that I need to approve the connection. Every. Single. Time. What did I do to deserve this?! And even then, with normal websites like youtube and yahoo, it only loads in the most basic format. You know, the one where it's just a white screen with text all on left alignment with the screen. What the flying fuck?
I took my connection settings off of proxy, I cleared my entire history (making sure to uncheck the box that said "remembered logins"), cookies, and cache, and I even restarted firefox again. Oh, and I had to reinstall RES, which was a pain in the ass. I truly f'ed up today. I should have just left it alone like I always do. If anyone has any suggestions, please, oh please help me!
JeremiS55: This happened to my dad's computer.
inevitabled34th: Do you know how he fixed it if he did?
JeremiS55: I think it turned out to be a faulty CMOS battery. But the computer was due for an upgrade anyway, so he got a new graphics card and windows 8 and the guy who fixed it for him changed the CMOS battery as well.
iwasboredsoyeah: This just means you have to update your date and time.
JeremiS55: Thing is, he had to do that manually every time he turned on the computer.
iwasboredsoyeah: Well yeah, you also just need to replace the CMOS battery and you'll be fine. It's an easy fix OP.
| 7 | 1.857143 | |
1400287261 | 1400291517 | t3_25ra3d | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting with a Frat boy
A little over a month ago, I started dating this guy I knew of since freshman year. Things were going great until he starts acting weird two weeks in and he breaks up with me. Even though we dated for only two weeks, the kid doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Anyway, fast-forward to a couple of days ago and I find bumps "down there".
Of course I do the stupid thing and Google it.
Even though we were safe and everything, I'm nervous as all hell. Getting tested some time in the near future.
DrFishhead: Fingers crossed its treatable right?
[deleted]: Treatable, yes. Curable, no.
| 3 | 2 | |
1400293815 | 1400352393 | t3_25rif4 | t5_2to41 | 281 | stickranger: TIFU by leaving my catgirl hentai open on the family computer. (NSFW)
idiotconspiracy: At least it wasn't the tentacle rape.
Ausaria: Got caught looking at that stuff by my mother. I'm a girl. =/
i_pk_pjers_i: ʘ‿ʘ
Ausaria: Exactly. I went through the whole shebang too: lots of frantic denial, the good ol' pop-up excuse, "I promise I'm not a lesbian"
It was a little more ridiculous considering I was 23 at the time and only visiting family for the holidays.
PostHipsterCool: You're heading into dangerous reddit territory with those confessions...
Ausaria: I'm aware, got my creep shield +17 for times like this. Do your worst, beardnecks.
ArabRedditor: hy bb, wanna see my lvl 87 warlock?
i_pk_pjers_i: Psh, noob! My destro warlock is lvl 90!
| 9 | 31.222222 | |
1400297296 | 1400341664 | t3_25rmmq | t5_2to41 | 16 | LadyGrizabella: TIFU by giving away a pregnant teacher's lunch
So..I'm a substitute lunch lady. It's kind of like being a substitute teacher, only in the cafeteria.
Every day, they will make a certain number of baked potatos for the teachers and for the gluten free students who can't eat most of the other food we serve.
Today, a sub teacher (who I happen to know and sort of be friends with) who happens to be almost 6 mos pregnant comes in and buys a baked potato. Except something happens and she has to leave before she can eat it. The mgr told me to stick it back in the warmer and save it until the teacher could come back and get it.
Except I didn't hear the 'Save it until she comes back" part. Ooops.
Mgr: What'd you do with (Sub)'s potato? It's not in here.
Me: Um.....
Mgr: You didn't sell it to a student did you? O.O
Me: Maybe?
Oh god I felt so bad. The mgr immediately threw another baked potato into the oven, praying she'd have it cooked (it takes 45 min cuz the ovens we have kind of suck) before the teacher came back for it.
Turns out it wasn't *quite* done and she had to nuke it (which she's not really supposed to do) for a couple of minutes to get it cooked all the way.
I felt SO stinking bad that I screwed up.
donkeychowder: Why can't she nuke a potato?
LadyGrizabella: We're not really supposed to microwave stuff.
donkeychowder: Nonsense. If there is a microwave then you should be able to use it. If microwaves are not allowed then it should not be in there. You did a fantastic job. You fed two people (technically 3) with your little oopsie. If anyone made you feel bad, just shrug it off. You are obviously a great person : )
LadyGrizabella: I think the microwave is there to heat up employee lunches, should we choose not to eat what's being served that day for whatever reason (dietary restrictions, allergies, etc).
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1400297051 | 1400379445 | t3_25rmbx | t5_2to41 | 104 | falseoptimism: TIFU by having Facebook and twitter open at the same time and disrespecting the dearly departed in the process
Okay, so this actually happened a few weeks ago, but I've only just mustered up the mental state to talk about this
so a few weeks ago, [a man called Derek Acorah posted an AMA on twitter.]( https://twitter.com/search?q=%23AskDerekAcorah&src=hash)
For those who won't know, Derek Acorah is an English television personality who claims he can talk to the dead. He's one of those wankstains who takes money off the most vulnerable (the recently berieved) so he can pretend that he's talking to their dead relatives.
Anyhow, this arsewipe posts an AMA and it kicks off fairly quickly, the questions were really funny and absolutely nobody was taking this seriously. so I thought I'd share it on facebook. I post a link to the AMA with the caption "I hope you feel better knowing that this exists" in the hope that it would make a few friends laugh
anyway, I go offline for a few hours, and when I log back in my inbox is filled with pure hatred. stuff such as
"what the fuck is wrong with you man"
"what is your problem you cunt !? insensitive prick !"
"I'm glad death is so funny to you, you bellend"
at this point I'm thinking "what the hell is wrong with posting this on my page? " so I ask someone "I don't understand why this has created so much hatred, what did I do ? " and they're all " you know full well where you posted this ! " . I didn't , so I went back through my history to double check
Oh.My.God
a few years ago, one of my friends hung himself, he was 15. I had been on the memorial page to pay my respects. Anyway, I had somehow forgotten to exit the page. And I posted an AMA for a man who claims to talk to the dead, on the memorial page, of a dead friend. with the caption : "I hope you all feel better knowing this exists". Oh my god. I am such a dick. I'm so sorry Elliot.
Tl;DR. accidentally mocked a dead friend.
pre-filter-thoughts: This may seem insensitive but that is absolutely hilarious! I know you'll be in cringe mode over this for a long time, I've done similar. Hope you can laugh about this someday! Remember if they are your friends they'll believe you when you explain it.
falseoptimism: Some of them were friends, the main issue was the 1500 other people in the group who were automatically notified when I posted the link ._.
VaselineCoveredCat: I say post on the page explaining the situation, apologise for any offence you may have caused and reiterate that Elliot was a friend and you wouldn't have deliberately disrespected his memory, anyone in his family who saw that probably felt pretty shit.
| 4 | 26 | |
1400291755 | 1400303930 | t3_25rft3 | t5_2to41 | 80 | newts_: TIFU By unknowingly accepting a babysitting job
A little bit of backstory: So today is the championship game for my little brother's flag football team. Before the game started, a lot of families from the team came over to our house for a little pre-game party.
The end of the party arrives, and everybody is getting ready to go to the game. As I am returning to my room to continue to study, I pass one of the moms. She turns to me and says, "newts_, do you mind if I just leave (insert her 5 year old son's name) here for a couple of hours while I go watch the game?" When I heard this, I thought she was being totally sarcastic. I didn't think anyone would leave their kid at someone's house instead of just bringing them to the game! So, I did the only appropriate thing to do when accosted with a sarcastic question and responded with a sarcastic "Sure, I'd be happy to!" and I went on my merry way back into my room.
Fast forward to about 45 minutes after everybody has cleared out of my house. I hear the sound of crashing legos coming from my brother's room, and I get up to investigate, thinking that one of our dogs was spilling legos all over his floor. However, when I walk into the room, I am confronted with the 5 year old kid. Apparently what I had interpreted as sarcasm was actually a legitimate offer, and I had unknowingly allowed this woman to put the life of her 5 year old child in my hands. So, not only were legos all over the floor of my brothers room, but I had let a 5 year old kid walk around my house for almost an hour without any supervision.
I'm just glad he's okay.
firestingwisher: You should have fed it Snickers and Red Bull
Totally_Ok_Guy: it?
firestingwisher: Definitely it.
| 4 | 20 | |
1400306418 | 1400351167 | t3_25rvyn | t5_2to41 | 614 | kuby515: TIFU by farting in some guy's face
I was walking on campus when I saw a guy picking up some books he dropped. As I bent down to help I accidentally farted in his face. Instead of saying sorry, I decided to fan it in his face because my brain stupidly thought that was the polite thing to do to dispel the smell. I then realized my mistake and walked away as fast as I could, too embarrassed to apologize. However, I was still holding his books, but I didn't want to face him again, so I just put the books on the ground and walked away even faster. I'm pretty sure I ruined his day.
[deleted]: Don't ever fart on a Mans balls
FAP-FOR-BRAINS: "Will you fart on my balls for good luck?"--God Of All Texas
dbubes: CAN YOU QUACK
SatanMD: Can you quack like a duck when we fuck?
xXD347HXx: Shit on my chest for good luck.
SatanMD: Can you buck like a horse when we fuck?
| 7 | 87.714286 | |
1400309079 | 1400361602 | t3_25ry6v | t5_2to41 | 18 | cibino: TIFU by pissing on my keyboard
So we just moved our very loud bird to the living room a few days ago and its currently 2:41am i did not want to take the risk of waking him up and having him scream his head off. So i figured ill just piss in this bottle, everything was fine till suddenly my piss started leaving the bottle in this crazy ass upward arc which made it all the way to my monitor and keyboard. Thankfully IBP keyboards seem to be able to stand up to anything because its working perfectly fine after being pissed on.
edit: just woke up keyboard still working.
PhoenixMask: Well, at least piss is sterile coming out.
swtinc: Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine? No but it's sterile and I like the taste.
PhoenixMask: Whatever you are into.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1400314265 | 1400347054 | t3_25s267 | t5_2to41 | 1 | hephaistussssss: TIFU by kissing someone other than my spouse.
Let me explain... My best friend in the world, who understands me better than my spouse, and has been unflinchingly there for me through my spouse's abusive depression, well... We had an alcohol-fueled kiss tonight. (Kisses, as in plural) it didn't go farther than that, and my friend had the presence of mind to ask what was REALLY going on... But I'm not the cheating type AT ALL, so I'm feeling atrocious about this awful choice I've made. Talk me through this?
Beanava: I gave up reading the comments after realizing the overwhelming negativity, but OP I'm going to give you my opinion, which coming from a 20 year old female with non-Western cultural values might not be the most popular outlook. I think you should probably take some time to decide how you feel towards your spouse and your best friend before doing anything. I can understand why this situation can create feelings of guilt and dishonesty, but we all have periods of emotional instability, which from "the abusive depression" of your spouse I'm guessing it isn't something unknown to you, and out relationships are much more fluid than we care to admit. I don't think any marriage is built on complete and undeniable honesty, and if you decide you value your union and want to maintain the Quid Pro Quo of your relationship then my advice is to not tell her/him about it.
zigzaggeezus: Wtf...non western values... what kind if values do you have to promote lies to someone you love?
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1400314322 | 1400405678 | t3_25s27d | t5_2to41 | 34 | A_Mediocre_Time: TIFU by sending a major Game of Thrones spoiler to the wrong person (no spoilers inside)
**THERE ARE NO ASOIAF SPOILERS IN THIS POST**
Well, this literally just happened 30 minutes ago and I still feel terrible.
I just finished A Dance With Dragons by George R.R. Martin and my best friend who goes to highschool with me just started on the novel. I love listening to him make guesses at what will happen in the story and laughing about it later to myself, how close or far away he was to the truth.
I also have a friend on Steam whom I talk about George's books with, but he's gotten as far as I have. So I'm very tired, it's 3 in the morning, and I open up Steam chat to tell my internet friend a funny story about how my highschool friend guessed spot-on what was going to happen at the end of the novel. I type away the message, send it, and look up at the name on the Chat window...
IT'S MY HIGHSCHOOL FRIEND'S STEAM ACCOUNT. I pull out my phone and send about twenty texts saying, "DO NOT GET ON STEAM, I SENT A SPOILER MESSAGE TO YOU ACCIDENTALLY!"
At the moment he is asleep and he's not very reliable on checking his phone, so if he hops on his computer when he wakes up he's not only going to see a MAJOR spoiler but also see how flippantly I talk about him to my internet friend, and I'm afraid he'll see it as gossiping and get furious at me.
I'll update when he wakes up and see if I can fix this!
tetrahydrocanada: I pray to the seven that he knows less than John Snow.
doITphaggit: /r/thingsjonsnowknows
the_jon_snow: I'm quite happy as we don't get many ravens up here
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1400301745 | 1400365718 | t3_25rrh8 | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by fixing a printer.
So, yesterday my professor was having printer trouble, and asked me to help her fix the printer. Trying to be funny, I told her, "Printers can be seriously retarded sometimes.". A hush comes over the room, while I am sitting there waiting to see if my professor finds humor in my last statement, I realize that she has two mentally retarded sons. TIFU.
TL;DR: I'm retarded.
[deleted]: cant help but think of this...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOBoKxEcVAA
CashWho: Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1400232845 | 1400337098 | t3_25p862 | t5_2to41 | 13 | SF_85: TIFU by blowing hot sauce into my eye
Yesterday evening I warmed up a nice deep fried pizza (Pizza Vegetale Picante to be precise). I like them hot, so I poured some Tabasco Habanero hot sauce onto it. Since it seemed to be too much in one spot, I decided to blow so it would spread. Unfortunately, it did not go exactly as planned, since a couple of drops ended up in my left eye. For a minute my eye felt like burning, pretty much in the same way the tip of my tongue does if I pour a spoonful of tabasco on it. Anyway, I held my eye under the tap and I'm wearing my glasses instead of my contact lenses today.
RegularWhiteShark: Was the pizza worth it, at least?
SF_85: Oh yeah. It tasted great.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1400323428 | 1400543751 | t3_25s8bj | t5_2to41 | 17 | Querkraft: TIFU by naming my programming project.
So in school, we have this programming thing for our finals, and I was asked to make a game of go. So I do the thing, and I name it after a vilain in a manga that I liked when I was young.
"Gokun" (from Cyborg Kurochan).
I just had a mail : My teacher googled it and found this : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gokkun (Very NSFW)
I had no idea and now I must explain. He thinks this is a dirty joke. I'm in deep shit.
Waki420: This reminds me of a situation my roommate was in about a year ago. We were sophomores in college and one of his assignments was to create a computer programming language. He did and apparently it used a lot of colons. So many that he described it as having "colons out the ass" (direct quote). He named the language Prolapse. His professor was not amused.
Querkraft: I'll give you gold if I haven't been only eating rice and beans since september
Waki420: Appreciate it
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1400306266 | 1400355185 | t3_25rvtl | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing my car.
Today, me and my best buddy decided to go to a hookah bar to spend our Friday night. The usual stuff 18 year olds do. I went to my friends place, played some rounds of FIFA and took off to the bar.
We got there, but they have a small parking lot which was full. No problem, there a Walgreen's next to it and they have a large parking lot. I park there and go to the hookah place to chill. 3 hours later, at 11 pm, we decided to pay the bill and head back home.
We walk out, get to the parking of Walgreen's. Shit, I can't find my car. I am positive I parked it at exactly this spot, but its not there, my buddy is confused. The parking lot is empty and my car isn't there. I make sure I'm not crazy and look around to see if I'm in the right lot.
This place is next to DC and not the best area.Thoughts going through my head, is my car stolen? what the hell am I gonna do? I try not to panic. I look around and see a tiny sign at the end of the parking lot, I walk over there and it reads "Towing enforced 24 hours. Only Walgreen's customers" well fuck me, I got fucked by this tiny sign. I call the number on the sign and they confirm they have my car, but I have to pay $135 to get it out. Fuck, I am a broke ass, high school senior. I've been working hard and saving up all my money to travel in the summer and have some good time.
My friend calls up his big brother, who happens to be cruising around with his friends near by. He agrees to drop us off at the shit hole, the towing company's lot. We get there, thankfully I have enough in my debt card to pay them and get my car. I dropped my friend and headed home.
I am so pissed right now. This is the worst $135 I have ever spent. I could have had a lot more fun with that money, instead I had to pay some dick heads to get my car back. I have never gotten a ticket in my life, ( the 2 years I've been driving at least ) Nevertheless a parking one and this happens to me. I havent told my parents yet, and not sure if I even should, they won't know since I have my own bank account. Oh well, at least I have my car back, I should pay more attention next time.
TL;DR: satan steals my car and makes me pay for it. Kinda of.
Niggadroid: Wait, American teenagers play FIFA?
hak_21: Well I moved here 2 years ago, so I am not american. But I was just as surprised as you are. Its huge in here. Most of my classmates play it.
Niggadroid: Cool, WORLD CUP IN LESS THAN 30 DAYS
hak_21: CAN'T WAIT!!
| 5 | 3 | |
1400328663 | 1400527479 | t3_25sc2g | t5_2to41 | 3,989 | [deleted]: TIFU by talking back to a Unites States border agent
I am a 40 year old man and travel a lot on business. Anyways I was recently in London for a conference and was returning to the US via O'Hare airport in Chicago.
I go through border security and customs and go to retrieve my luggage. As I am ready to leave I am pulled in to secondary screening by a customs officer. My bags are put on a table and an officer begins to ask me questions about my travels abroad and what I brought back. I was in a foul mood as I had been delayed and was tired, stressed and exhausted. The officer was pissing me off and kept asking me questions and was taking his sweet time. I had a connecting flight that I needed to catch and I just wanted to leave.
Me, being the idiot I am, decided to get confrontational with the customs officer. "I'm a marketing director for an international firm, I don't need to put up with this guy's bullshit" I thought to myself. The conversation got heated and the officer told me to calm down or else I would face consequences. I just snapped and blurted out "what are you going to do? Deny me entry into my own fucking country? What consequences are there for wanting to enter my own damn country and doing nothing wrong? Tell me, what are you going to do ?"
Yeah, big mistake. A few minutes later I am escorted to another room where I am ordered to remove my clothing. All of it. I am then given a full on strip search. Lift my balls and penis, bend over and spread em and cough and squat. I then get to stand there completely naked with my hands raised above my head as the officers go through my clothes. I end up missing my flight and have to wait until the next day to go home. So yeah, don't piss of border guards, or you may end up trading the suit for a birthday suit instead.
jradxit2: We as a country have lost our way. The concept of innocent until proven guilty is now a casualty of terrorism and apathy. Your story would have read like a passage from 1984 to someone reading it fifty years ago.
Willusions: What? This has nothing to do with innocent until proven guilty. This was just a security officer asserting his relative power over a passenger for being a dick.
mehmehmee: People like you really frighten me. You're probably not a bad person. You're just a person who passively accepts a fucked up, inhumane system. You are the exact opposite of what makes great countries.
What really scares me is that you're going to have kids and are going to raise them to believe the same things as you.
This was a security officer *abusing* his relative power over a passenger for being a dick.
Willusions: Haha dude you are judging my entire character and future because of a comment on the internet. I agree the officer was abusing his power, but it's like yelling "bomb" in an airport. You know you're going to get targeted. Pick your battles, man.
PM_ME_UR_DAHD: It's certainly not like calling "bomb" in an airport. He didn't threaten anyone, he didn't express any intent to harm. No one was endangered by him being kind of a dick.
insanitynot: As someone who works in security... If you're resisting what we have to do and causing problems, then not only are you making the process take longer and pissing us off, but you're also coming off as a problem and making yourself more suspicious.
There's no question that the border agent was being a dick, but if you're getting pissed off and angry about a random check then there is the possibility that you're hiding something you don't want to be found and this is why you're getting angry. Its suspicious. This is threatening.
Edit: Lol the downvotes to my throwaway already started. Someone even posted but deleted it right away and I didn't get to read it as my notification went away. :(
This seriously isn't any more complicated than that whole "Do unto others" thing from daycare. Sorry to burst your bubble. And I pity you if this basic security concept comes as a shocker to you, because trust me, I've worked with a lot of fucking dumb people in security and even the dimmest of all understood that acting like a dick can mean they're hiding something or going to cause problems.
Snark_Jones: The security mentality nowadays allows ANY behavior to be deemed "suspicious" - even being fully compliant. Resisting/not resisting is immaterial - "that whole 'do unto others' thing" does not apply, especially when there are no meaningful consequences for the security personnel who abuse their authority.
insanitynot: Like getting fired? Which fucks you for your next job search? Or getting arrested? That's right, security gets fired or arrested if they fuck up. They're citizens also lol.
Snark_Jones: There were several TSA people who stole *volumes* of stuff out of people's baggage who have been fired/arrested. Even heard of a few who were caught taking bribes and letting people sneak through. Those douchenozzles are just common crooks with a badge, and not the sort of fuck-ups I'm talking about.
I think I was pretty clear with what sort of abuse of authority I meant, and am equally sure you are being deliberately dense about it.
If there have been TSA people who have been fired for abusing their authority (i.e. bullying, harassment, and the usual baggage [no pun intended] associated with that), it's news to me. In fact, what I've read indicates that the powers-that-be actually like that sort of thing, because it makes people *afraid*, which is how an increasing segment of law enforcement likes it.
insanitynot: So you think it's fine for someone to attempt to abuse their position in a marketing firm to get out of a security check?
Snark_Jones: There you go being deliberately dense again.
>"I'm a marketing director for an international firm, I don't need to put up with this guy's bullshit" **I thought to myself**.
OP did not say this out loud. Nowhere does OP imply, directly or indirectly, that he tried to use his position to bypass security.
Anyone attempting to use their position or standing to get out of a security check is not fine. Neither are a thousand other things both grand and petty that I did not mention.
insanitynot: How about attempting to get out of a security check by being a dick? Is that fine?
| 13 | 306.846154 | |
1400330102 | 1400359067 | t3_25sd7e | t5_2to41 | 708 | BeachCop: TIFU by farting in my own car.
I went to McDonalds for breakfast and I guess what I ordered wasn't ready. They asked me to pull into a side spot and they'd walk it out to me. I pull off and I'm listening to the radio when I feel that familiar pressure building behind by butthole. Without thinking, I let her rip and laugh as the leather seats amplify and make the fart gurgle. Then the stench hit me and I laughed harder. That's when the young girl knocked on my window with the food order. I knew as soon as I rolled down the window, she was going to get a face full of ass.
I put the window down and sure enough she starts to say "here..." but then scrunches her face up, looks me in the eye and walks away in disgust. I drove home, happy, fulfilled and full of joy - and I hadn't even had my McGriddle yet.
EDIT: Holy shit, people. Obviously, the TIFU was that I was embarrassed. *It IS* possible to be embarrassed and still enjoy something.
reaperz04: how can you laugh at the stench
lastcowboyinthistown: Everybody loves their own brew
DragonFlamez: MY BRAND!!!
emywox: Relavent
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Do1d9-g_GBA
Nintenzo: How the fuck is this relevant?
Wannabe_Canadian: Because it's not relevant, it's relavent.
| 7 | 101.142857 | |
1400332608 | 1400337272 | t3_25sfc9 | t5_2to41 | 7 | hxcrichard: TIFU by taking my friend to breakfast
So its business at usual, just got off work, eating at the restaurant. Friend goes and takes a drink of his coffee, and sneezes whilst drinking. A huge cloud of spit and coffee flies at me. All he can say is "i'm so sorry" and starts to tear up. So yea.
A57R0Z0M813: Said friend checking in still embarrassed as hell.
Thenewfoundlanders: You're a monster. You should have to pay for what you've done.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1400337192 | 1400448512 | t3_25sjsy | t5_2to41 | 64 | PrincessAdildo: TIFU by farting myself awake
Hi, everyone! This is actually my first post on Reddit, so I apologize in advance if I do anything wrong.
This actually took place about two weeks ago. I had gone to a friend's birthday party. It all started off wonderfully. Drinks were flowing, fun was had; there was even a couple of hot guys present. There was one, in particular, who I hadn't met, but who I couldn't take my eyes off of. I tried my best to be somewhat alluring, and by the end of the night, I seemed to be in with a chance.
Fast forward to the next morning. As everyone had drank so much, several people had stayed over at my friend's house, and slept in the lounge room. I was one of them; hot guy was another.
Now, I don't know about anyone else, but when I've been drinking a lot, then my stomach tends to go a bit funny for the next day or two. This isn't normally a problem, as I'm in the privacy of my own home. This morning, however... was different.
I farted in my sleep. Not just a small one; I did it so hard that I woke myself up. And it STANK.
All I heard from hot guy was, "Oh my God!" It was clear that he had heard, and smelled, what I had done. I sat up faster than I have ever sat up in my life, turned beetroot red, and muttered, "I am so sorry," but he didn't say anything in response.
He avoided eye contact pretty much the whole time until he left, and I was stuck at somebody else's house, nursing a hangover, an upset stomach, and the shame of what I had done. Oops.
PM_ME_YOUR_ASS_PICS_: That is way better than sharting yourself awake
AATroop: Or pissing yourself awake.
Purple_frumpkin: Or puking straight up into the air.
PrincessAdildo: In retrospect, I am beginning to feel thankful that it was only a fart and not some shart-piss-puke-fountain disaster...
Purple_frumpkin: > shart-piss-puke-fountain
Well. I've seen it all.
| 6 | 10.666667 | |
1400342469 | 1400414909 | t3_25sq44 | t5_2to41 | 18 | degausser_: TIFU by forgetting that I took my sleeping pills.
Last night I was drinking with a friend of mine. I had a few, you'd say I was treading the fine line between very tipsy and just plain drunk. Somehow we decided it would be a good idea to go skateboarding at this point. Never a good idea when drunk.
So we got on the two skateboards I had and made it clumsily to the end of the street. At this point I faceplanted the asphalt, apparently pretty heavily. I stood up and my friend was like "holy crap, your face is bleeding!" Being drunk, I hadn't felt a thing and assumed she was bullshitting me. I touched my face, and yup, blood. I had quite literally eaten dirt, I was spitting out sand and tiny rocks for a while. We walked back to my house, which was when I realised I was really stumbling around and trying to calculate how much I'd had to drink. I was sure it wasn't enough to leave me quite so legless.
We got inside and I went to the bathroom to inspect the damage. My friend, who is queasy around blood, saw my face in the light and ran to the toilet and started dry heaving, whilst I'm in the bathroom next to her trying to clean up and drunkenly stick band aids to my face.
I then went to bed and recall thinking, "oh shit, I should really take my meds" but I was way too tired to get back up. I essentially passed out and woke up in the morning to a very sore face. I went to take my morning meds and noticed that the night meds had gone. I had taken them earlier that night and then forgot about it.
So I took a bunch of pills that make me tired, on top of a reasonable amount of alcohol, then decided to go skateboarding with basically all my motor skills shot to hell. I now have a big scrape all the way across my nose and down onto my upper lip, plus a swollen nose and my lip was swollen like crazy this morning too. And I got to go to work and serve people on a till all day.
I'm gonna be stuck with this gorgeous look a couple of weeks at least...
toadsanchez420: About 4 years ago, I was working nights and just finished up working a 3 days weekend(36 hours), so I was pretty exhausted.
I was also just getting over the flu, and my job had given everyone a $25 gift card to Hy-Vee for Christmas. I was in the mood for some Peppermint Schnapps and hot chocolate, to calm my nerves, relax me and my muscles, and possibly help me sleep.
I got a 1.5 liter bottle of Dekuyper's Peppermint Schnapps that was on sale, and when I got home, made a 32 ounce Peppermint Patty. Well, I also took some Ny-quil before hand, and totally forgot about that.
I fell asleep at 11am, woke up at 7am the next morning to a hone full of texts and calls from my ex-wife(wife at the time) who was staying with her mom after just having our daughter. I told her what happened, then fell asleep again at 9 am an woke up sometime that night.
Needless to say, I felt fucking amazing when I woke up.
lorenzo22: sleep of the dead
toadsanchez420: It sure felt like it.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1400344034 | 1400357379 | t3_25ss6t | t5_2to41 | 122 | igotembythehundreds: TIFU by spending $10,000 dollars at a casino I didn't have.
I'm a mobile user so my formatting wont be that pretty.
So like most posts it wasn't really today. It's been a year in the making,but lately it has just gotten worse. I have a gambling problem. It all started with Texas Hold'em. I'd end up breaking even most of the time so i started playing Blackjack. This is when my downhill spiral began. It all started well with me making money. Then I started betting more. Started losing like you wouldn't believe. Then I get a huge break 2 weeks after i filed my taxes. I was suppose to get 875 dollars back, but wouldn't you know, there was $6000 dollars in my bank account from the IRS. Its was amazing how quickly I went through all of it. In less then a week the casino was richer because of me. It turns out that my tax preper had made a mistake and had accidentally used my bank account number for someone else's deposit. I've spent $4,000 of my own money and money I've borrowed from my parents and friends at the casino trying 'to make it all back.' I've dug my grave and I now just wish someone will cover it up while I'm at the bottom. I've fantasised about my own death but i know I'm to scared to do anything. I've become an embarrassment to my family, my fiancée, and to my self.
Some_Web_Commentator: It's $10K. You'd off yourself over $10K. Trying being $130K in debt then get back to me. My debt wasn't due to gambling but debt is debt
Man up, you can bear it.
You've admitted you fucked up and now you need to get to work paying it off. Do not gamble any more money to try to get square.
Right now ... What can you sell? Who can you pay. Working full time and part time how long will it take you to pay off the debts and what are their timelines.
Kyle_c00per: As a 17 year old that's taking out a $40,000 loan for school, i'm not looking forward to debt for the rest of my life like any other normal person, but i would never think to off myself over it.
camahan: You wont have the debt for the rest of your life. If you get a good job after school you will pay it off by your late 20s / early 30s and have good credit. Always pay above the minimum and into your principal.
Kyle_c00per: Yea i know, but everyone that i see talking about student loans always talk about how hard it is to pay them and they seem to never go away, so that's what worries me.
camahan: That is usually because they pay the minimum. Honestly, you should budget out what you can afford(with a small bit extra to help save up) and pay as much as you can to get rid of that fire.
I would start with local fee waivers/grants before you go into getting a loan as you can save yourself around 10-20k(in the base loan so probably 30-40k with interest).
| 6 | 20.333333 | |
1400346137 | 1400511392 | t3_25sv0q | t5_2to41 | 38 | [deleted]: TIFU by creeping out a really nice girl I met at a dance, there was an excellent chance of something great happening, and I screwed it up by being obsessive.
I feel so bad about it, I should have known better.
I've promised to never contact her again, blocked and everything, and so hopefully she won't use this negative experience as a reason to not date anyone else.
I'm beating myself up right now, god.
So we met at a prom dance, hit it off really well, spent the rest of the night just talking. Then we traded information, and went off to relatively separate sides of the state.
However, after a couple emails, she spent a couple days not responding. So I, in my infinite wisdom, figured I should add her parents on facebook as well as another method of communication. Then I also sent off another email mentioning how I'd like to spend the day with her.
Coupled with some heavy implications that I was assuming stuff about our current relationship, I made myself out to be an obsessive creep who was carefully snooping out her life.
Ugh. Anyways, she didn't respond for 6 days, and finally last night told me that I was seriously sketching her out, and didn't want to continue talking to me. I said I was so very sorry, didn't realize I was being such a creep, and promised to never contact her again.
I intend on keeping this promise, and will move on within this day. Good god though, if I hadn't been so impatient and presumptuous something great could have come of it. Aaah... I just feel so bad. At least I'm making this mistake now, and not when it really really matters, and we live 3 hours apart so no chance of ever walking into her.
I fucked up.
eltiolukee: >So I, in my infinite wisdom, figured I should add her parents on facebook as well as another method of communication.
Yeah, totally not creepy after all
Tron359: Thanks, I know, I regret it so hard right now.
chesterfieldkingz: Just out of curiosity how would adding her parents on Facebook increase communication?
Tron359: I figured that since I'm friends with the parents of quite a few of my friends, that is was a normal thing to just have them be part of my online social life.
What I completely forgot was that normal people only do that once there's a solid relationship to work with, not everyone all at once. Social rules just don't come naturally to me, it's all a massive game of trial and error, I try to ask as many questions as I can to compensate.
This won't happen again, that's for sure. :\
chesterfieldkingz: ah ya I gotcha. Well you're still in highschool I think a lot of people don't understand a lot of social stuff at that age. At anyrate she lives a good distance away so at least there wont really be anything embarrassing afterwards. And hey you learned a valuable lesson and will be better off next time. In a little while it'll will actually be funny I'm sure.
Tron359: I'm betting on it. If I don't screw up the next chance I'll have some stories to share.
| 7 | 5.428571 | |
1400345955 | 1400556151 | t3_25sus2 | t5_2to41 | 258 | [deleted]: TIFU by falsely accusing a man of masturbating in public.
Ok, it wasn't *today* but a couple of years ago. But I just remembered it today!
I was in a large casino, happily throwing money away in one of the quieter corners. An older (65-ish) man comes into the same area and takes a chair a few machines away. I didn't even glance at him as I was so entranced by the spinning reels, I only noticed him peripherally as we were now the only two players in the area. However, after a few minutes, I began to notice odd movement from where he was sitting. I glanced over, saw him leaning back with his hand in his pocket. His hand was moving pretty rapidly in his pocket in a shaking motion. WTF I thought. I'm not a shrinking violet, so I tried to make eye contact to devastate him with my patented stare-of-death, but he was focused on his own machine, the hand still moving. Ok, so it wasn't about being next to any female, was he just getting off about being in public in general?? Suitably creeped out, I got up and flagged down security. I stood a ways back as they went over to him, and I watched. I watched him pull a badly twisted hand from his pocket, I watched the confused look on his face turn to hurt, I watched as his hand continued to badly shake as he spoke with security. Parkinson's. Oh dear god, he had Parkinson's or similar affliction. The poor man had bad tremors in BOTH hands, but the other one had been gripping the machine and not shaking as noticeably. I was horrified. So horrified I just left without even apologizing. I really wish I had apologized.
Edit: People, I'm admitting I fucked up, that's why the post is here.
ISpyI: Lesson: Don't judge too fast, especially if you're going to take action.
afellowinfidel: another lesson: unless it directly effects you and yours, mind your fucking business.
Purple_frumpkin: Don't get me wrong, he fucked up, but what if it was actually a dude playing tug-o-war next to you ?
afellowinfidel: if he was right next to me? i'd say something indirect to him, a simple "dude..." would suffice if he was sane, if not, then i'd just ignore it, because crazy.
Purple_frumpkin: If I was brave enough to yank on my shit next you, I would not be bothered in the slightest bit by you noticing, and if you have the balls to say you would just ignore me and sit there, you're a fucking liar.
Crazmataz: I live in downtown Seattle and this has actually happened to me on mass transit. "Dude, cut that shit out" actually worked.
Purple_frumpkin: But this was in an area with no other people, no fear of embarrassment.
Crazmataz: I've seen homeless guys doing all kinds of crazy things in alleys and what not, 99% of the time all you have to do is tell 'em to stop. I'm a dude though; it'd be different if I was a woman I think.
Purple_frumpkin: I can see your point about a guy, but I was trying to explain as if OP was doing it.
Crazmataz: Well, in OP's case, she wasn't in a secluded location or dealing with a crazy homeless person. She was in the middle of a casino, brightly lit and surrounded by people. She definitely could have talked to the guy without risking anything.
Purple_frumpkin: She said that she and him were the only ones in that part of the casino. Therefor she was alone with him.
Crazmataz: Therefore she was not "alone" with him, because she was in a fucking casino.
Purple_frumpkin: > I only noticed him peripherally as we were now the only two players in the area
Can you fucking read?
| 14 | 18.428571 | |
1400354061 | 1400396020 | t3_25t5uc | t5_2to41 | 629 | SPIDERS_IN_YOUR_BED: TIFU by popping a pimple while driving
So I was driving to my girlfriend's house, same route as usual, nothing out of the ordinary when I touched my shoulder and felt a small stab of pain, immediately recognizing it as a fully developed white head. As I was wearing a tank top, I could easily see it. It was one of the biggest zits I've ever had. The behemoth looked like it was going to burst at any second.
This is where I fucked up. I immediately reached over to pop it, looking over my shoulder at the pimple. Gave a slight squeeze and BAM. My eye was full of rancid, yellow/white backne zit juice. I freaked out. I couldn't see, my eye was burning, and I had pimple juice running down my face. I lost control of my car and slammed into the car infront of me.
Luckily noone was hurt, but I totaled my car and had to explain to this poor old woman that I hit what happened with an eye full of pimple juice.
TIFU
Poebbel: You moron. When you are driving, you are driving. Don't do anything else. Stuff like this is what gets people killed.
CashKeyboard: To be fair popping pimples really shouldn't be a problem while driving. It might be like scratching your balls or picking your nose. You don't really have to take your eyes off the road. The problem here rather seems to be popping that pimple right into your eyes. That's something you'd want to avoid doing.
Poebbel: He clearly states that he had to take his eyes off the road to look at his shoulder. And even if you didn't have to, why would you even want to pop a pimple while driving? Isn't half the fun seeing it burst? Instead you are stuck with pus on you and a potentially bleeding wound while in a moving vehicle and unable to take care of it properly. The whole idea is just absolutely retarded.
€dit: Awesome, downvotes for road safety.
Purple_frumpkin: I personally challenge you to find a pimple out of line of site, and then once you know it's there waiting for you to squeeze that little fucker, try to go do something else while thinking about it.
Poebbel: You have poor impulse control.
Purple_frumpkin: And you have a poor sense of humor. There, now we're both lacking something.
| 7 | 89.857143 | |
1400354508 | 1400393011 | t3_25t6hp | t5_2to41 | 6 | whyhow: TIFU by testing out some new vodka
I know this probably isn't as bad as most of the stuff here but I feel awful. So normally I'm not a heavy drinker. A few days ago I picked up a bottle of vodka from the liquor store on my way home from work after a bit of a hard day. Thought I'd make myself a drink last night, which turned into 2 and then 3 and then so on. Totally forgot that it was a higher proof than I'm used to. So I'm unintentionally drunk alone and for some reason I keep drinking to the point that I end up throwing up and waking up my entire family at 4 am (I'm a college student that lives with my parents). This is the first time I've ever drank that excessively and it was alone at my parents house.
Evilcoin: This is the start , of becoming a raging alcoholic .Good that this happend, it gave you another chance at life , before you messed up.
wrecklessoptimism: I'm pretty sure, that you need to use, more commas, in your sentences.
YouDoneMessedUpAAron: The, more, commas,, the, better,
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1400353388 | 1400760927 | t3_25t4vl | t5_2to41 | 8 | SignOfThingsToCome: TIFU for ordering a "half price" trial from one of these BS miracle diet supplements
TIFU big time. Go ahead and clobber me fellow redditors!
I ordered a trial from a product I won't mention for only $4.95. Wow great no?
No.
The confirmation mail I received today states that if I keep the order after 14 days I'll be charged $79.95 and receive a new bottle every 30 days!. A "half price trial" suddenly turned into a monthly subscription w/o my initial consent! I should have known better than to FU that badly...
SkeetShoot: Specialized diets are ridiculous. Why not count calories and exercise more calories than you eat?
When intake is less than out take you WILL lose weight no matter what.
kerbion: It's not even that hard. All you have to do is manage portions, cut out sugar (soda's white breads, and pastas), and eat combinations of food that work together, for example grilled, or broiled chicken, with green veggies, is an amazing combination. But a steak, and broccoli without the potato, or with green beans and quinoa works great too.
The key is to cut out sugars and sugary starches, and you will lose pounds, when I kept to that I lost 50 pounds in 3 months (I am severely overweight), and didn't starve or really want for anything after I got through the sugar detox. I only stopped eating that way when my wife became pregnant and we were having to fix different meals for the two of us to keep up with her cravings, now I am going back on it.
There is no need to count calories, and there is no such thing as an easy way to lose weight, diet pills are all money sinks, so is weight watchers, and jenny craig, because they teach you nothing on how to eat correctly. The key isn't to diet it's learn to eat correctly, manage your portions and maintain that eating style for life.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1400355315 | 1400614787 | t3_25t7mj | t5_2to41 | 19 | athelard: TIFU by using my phone as a chronometer in a public park with children.
I was using the phone to ensure that I rested 60 seconds between series of exercises.
Ten minutes after starting, a police officer stops me. Apparently several mothers had complained that I was using my phone to take pictures of their children...
lorenzo22: what's wrong with a old fashioned watch?
moalfred: You shouldn't have to worry about using your phone in public just because there are paranoid moms out there who call the cops over nothing.
lorenzo22: But by using a watch, you avoid the whole situation.
FlowStrong: By not being a stupid cunt, the mom's could avoid the situation. OP isn't the asshole here... why should he change?
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1400358857 | 1400438342 | t3_25tbg2 | t5_2to41 | 10 | Dinosoarman: Mistakes don't happed when you're ready, or careful.
berolak: 'Mistakes' do, that's exactly what a mistake is.
UK12: When I took my driving exam, I messed it up by simply hitting the kerb (which i have never done during my lessons).
I was prepared for the test, but that mistake made me fail.
berolak: Seriously?? Wow that is pretty strange you failed for that. Did you smash into it hard or anything?
TheBanger: They generally will fail you for any contact with the curb at all.
berolak: Out of curiosity, which country is this? I'm from Canada. Also are you talking about hitting the curb while driving down a street, or while parking? I mean driving down the street and hitting it I could see being a fail, but not while parking!
UK12: I live in the UK, The examiner told me to pull up on the side. I still don't even know how i managed to fuck that manoeuvre up..but yeah. I passed on my next test so im happy :)
berolak: Still very strange! At any rate, congrats on the pass :)
| 8 | 1.25 | |
1400357816 | 1400489143 | t3_25tb2w | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting into a fenderbender without insurance
I know it's stupid of me to be driving without insurance, but I don't have the spare cash atm. And I only recently got it working again. I'm a responsible driver, and this is my first accident. The driver in front of the person I rear ended slammed their brakes to turn into a parking lot on the left, and the girl I hit stopped far behind the person turning. I live a few blocks away so I've been all up and down that road. I turned away for a fraction of a second, and when I looked back suddenly realized the car in front of me was stopped. I slammed by breaks, but they've had air in the lines for some time now, and I've been meaning to bleed them. so I yanked up my hand brake, and tried to turn to the side, which was unfortunately the left towards traffic. Damage is a broken turning signal on my mazda, and I ripped off her back plastic fender thing, exposing the inside of the back of the car, all the lights and shit. Got out and gave the driver all my info, and at first said she wasnt going to call the cops, but since this was her first accident also she called her mom, who advised to call. An officer came and took our story, info and pictures. Now i have a insurance proof from a year ago when i was insured, and gave that to him. He went back to his vehicle, and when he came back he said nothing about the insurance. He told me I'd be receiving a citation in the mail, probably for following too closely. Now this all happened at 6:30 on Friday night. I'm thinking that since its the weekend, no paper work or calls will be made. And on Monday morning im going to go get insurance first thing. I'm hoping that if any calls are made, it will be well after I'm on my insurance. I'm obviously not going to try and get my damaged fixed, I'm junking it in a month anyways. I just don't want driving without insurance on my record.
WhySoJovial: No insurance. Brake problems that aren't fixed right away. Lack of empathy for other driver that you rear ended while she was legally stopped. Attempting to deceive a law enforcement officer. Figuring you'll scam the insurance company to try to cover the accident, too.
...then refer to yourself as a "I'm a responsible driver".
Your fuck up wasn't just driving without insurance. That's apparently just the tip of the fuck up iceberg here.
WhySoJovial: After reading your post history, specifically your plethora of posts discussing mind-altering substances for "boosting your cognitive abilities", I'm gonna say that you're damn lucky the cop didn't check you for substances...but considering you just got off that probation for possession, you may want to consider not trying to bullshit the cop next time.
If we don't hear from you for a while, we'll just assume you've got a new roof over your head, I guess.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1400355861 | 1400420264 | t3_25t8dr | t5_2to41 | 36 | sponges789: TIFU by watching gay porn with my mom.
Not literally. I'm 17, and I'm gay. My parents don't know about it yet. Was browsing reddit on my phone with my mom sitting next to me minding her own business when I stumbled upon a cute cat on /r/aww. "Hey mom look at this" she turns to see a huge black dick covering my phone. Reflexes, I swap to the right to the *actual* cat. "...that's cute" and goes back to her work. I sit there my hands shaking with what I've done.
**TLDR: accidently clicked on a /r/MassiveCock link that was directly below a /r/aww post that my mother saw.**
DrFishhead: So did she see the penis or did she almost see it?
sponges789: Pretty sure she'd seen it, just pretending she didn't.
DrFishhead: Omg.
| 4 | 9 | |
1400359294 | 1400374489 | t3_25td4h | t5_2to41 | 227 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating in a Hotel
Wasn't today but decided to share this one. So in my line of work that i used to be in I regularly had to travel and stay in a hotel paid for by the railroad that I worked for.
I was hanging around waiting to be called to deadhead (Head back home on a train, but not on duty) back to my home terminal. In the mean time, I decided to crank one out on the bed at the hotel. I did not, However manage to remember to put The do not disturb sign on my door. So here i am, Visously cranking one out with my eyes closed. In the mean time, an Elderly Housekeeper wearing a cross on a necklance had quietly entered my room without me hearing. Here's the Kicker.
I opened my eyes right as i was about to finish, And as soon as i did, I simultaneously made eye contact with this old lady and shot my load in a perfect arc right onto the carpet. Never been so embarrassed in my life
TLDR; Blew my load in a perfect arc onto the carpet infront of an Elderly Christian housekeeper
Flam1: Did she clean it up?
Phazer485: i cleaned it after she left but i still felt bad for her
mangage: it's probably far from the first time for her. pretty common in hotels. how long had she been in there?
Phazer485: I'm honestly not sure really as i didnt hear her enter
| 5 | 45.4 | |
1400367487 | 1400522506 | t3_25tnvp | t5_2to41 | 45 | buddhazooka: TIFU by forgetting to put a coin from the "Tooth Fairy"
My daughter has been waiting all week for her jiggly front tooth to fall off. She misplaced the last tooth she lost so she was determined to make sure this one made it to the "tooth fairy". She even had a note ready to thank the "tooth fairy" for visiting her.
The tooth finally fell off last night. She was barely able to sleep over excitement. I told her that if she didn't sleep, or tried to catch the "tooth fairy", she'll know and won't come visit her. A few minutes later, she fell asleep.
Unfortunately, so did I.
When she woke me up, the sun was already out. She had the note with her tooth still in it on her hand, and a face that's trying very, very, *very* hard not to cry. "The tooth fairy didn't get my tooth."
I tell you, seeing that face shattered my heart into a million pieces and made me feel like I'm the shittiest dad ever.
____
Edit: Thanks for the suggestions, guys. I was fortunately able to salvage the situation before having to resort to more serious measures.
I sat beside her on her bed and hugged her while replacing her note (with the tooth in it) under the pillow with a coin from my pocket. I told her that we could try again next time, and had her go back to sleep while her mom fixes breakfast.
I then cracked her window open, went downstairs, and had my wife cook pancakes (my daughter's favorite) while I posted this TIFU. A couple of hours later I heard a shriek, then a rumble of heavy feet running down the stairs.
Long story short, she found her window open, checked under her pillow, and [found her coin](http://imgur.com/RZvecW9). We then went skateboarding outside, had her help us make [mac and cheese for lunch](http://imgur.com/9WZ69QF) (easier on the chompers), and I patted myself on the back for succeeding in making my daughter enjoy fairy tales a little bit longer.
invalid_token: Oh OP, this happened to me just this week. Mother fail to the 100th degree. The only difference was that my son forced me to admit that I was the tooth fairy, and right after told me he still would like cash under his pillow that night.
...
Mom forgot. I woke up to the saddest face on the planet and I couldn't even blame the tooth fairy's busy schedule! Yadda yadda yadda he got a $5 the next night.
Being a parent is rough.
buddhazooka: I'm sorry you had to tell him. They only stay kids for so long, so try to preserve their wonder and innocence as much as possible.
jasonmerch: After discovering that Santa isn't real, my whole perception of Christmas was shattered. Never since have I felt the magic on Christmas morning that I did before I knew. I honestly don't think I would do the whole Santa thing if I had kids. I don't think I'd really do a traditional Christmas because of how unrelated to the actual birth of christ it really is.
ACreepyThrowaway: Maybe because I knew Santa was a ruse from a young age (4) and continued to play along, but Christmas is still magical. Although Christmas Day always ruins it for me. I guess I love the build up. Even a decade in retail couldn't strip the magic from Christmas. No matter how hard the customers tried.
| 5 | 9 | |
1400367578 | 1400522805 | t3_25tnzw | t5_2to41 | 18 | soxordie: TIFU by opening the window
My friend and I were driving from Philly to Boston at night during a rainstorm. We were on the New Jersey turnpike with super low visibility, and I was considering getting off and driving through Staten Island but decided not to. After what seemed like forever (I hate the NJTP with the burning passion of a thousand hobo fires), we finally got to New York City. It was still raining, and my windows were starting to fog up. I merged onto the cross-Bronx, and wanted to move over a lane but couldn't see my mirror, so I opened the window. About a second later, I noticed a semi coming up on my left. And that, reddit, was when I realized I fucked up. Because that semi was driving through a puddle, and that puddle, no longer content to be just a puddle, had now become a disgusting gray-brown wave headed right into through the window, covering me, my friend, and my car with brown Bronx poopwater. One day later, my car still smells kind of like poop.
sewiv: Use your defroster.
soxordie: My defroster doesn't hit the side windows.
sewiv: But it dries the air in the entire car, reducing fogging.
FordMasterTech: Only if your air conditioning works
ACreepyThrowaway: My air conditioning doesn't work, but my defroster still keeps the car from fogging up.
| 6 | 3 | |
1400373366 | 1400465156 | t3_25tv0e | t5_2to41 | 10 | ZephyrGuy: TIFU by having sex
I was a virgin, but my friend agreed to fuck me. Took forever to find the hole and everything got uncomfortably awkward. We gave up a while later. Fuck me
FNU__LNU: Hey kid. This stuff takes practice. Don't worry about it too much, just get back on that horse.
SittingInAnAirport: It was with a horse? Wow, OP really did fuck UP.
jerrybob: Yeah, first time should always be with a sheep.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1400374592 | 1400431305 | t3_25twjn | t5_2to41 | 116 | [deleted]: TIFU by dropping the mustard.
Today, I fucked up at work.
I work in a nice restaurant in Atlanta. The food is expensive and the drinks are fancy, so we get a lot of rich costumers who have the money to spend on a nineteen fucking dollar plate with eight slices of cheese on it.
So today, I'm running a cheese board out to a table for another waitress. All the while singing "cheese bort" like Beyonce in my head and giggling at how clever I am. As I turn the corner, this drunk gentleman, on his fourth or fifth 14$ manhattan, knocks into me. Now, I've never dropped a plate in my life and this swanky fucker isn't gonna pop this cherry. So with the grace of Dylan Sprouse, I handle the situation perfectly. A few side steps and a bit of wibbly wobbly and I make it to the table thats a mere three feet away. With very little recovery time, the cheese bort made it safely on the table but the dijon mustard however, was not as lucky. The small tin ramekin fell to it's death underneath the table. At this point, the waitress for the table comes over and bends down to pick up what I thought was the ramekin. I apologise profusely and grab the table another mustard from the kitchen.
And that seems like the end of the story. Minor fuckup, nothing too drastic right? Nah son, Murphy's Law made a fool of me.
About an hour later I'm doing my thing and my manager (who really is just the most awful) comes up to me in a fury. "Panda_Gasoline_Fight, you need to talk to table 22. That lady is PISSED" Still the mustard thing? Bitch, I already got it for you. So I go out and ask whats wrong. That stupid little ramekin wasn't ever picked up. I thought the other waitress had grabbed it, but later found out that she had just picked up a drink napkin. After glancing at the floor I was confused because it was nowhere to be found. Why, you ask? Because it fell in her fucking 800$ Micheal Korrs purse. All of it. Right in there. Next to her solid gold tampons and platinum plated ear buds.
Why? Why do you need an 800$ purse, you eccentric fuck?
So I (again) apologise profusely. "I'm so sorry miss, I thought (other waitress) had picked it up. Please don't let it affect her tip, this was my fault and it was an accident. Is there anything I can do to improve this situation?"
"You can buy me a new purse." she snarls.
The purse is leather and I saw her wipe all the shitty mustard out of it. She starts bitching about the shitty service and the careless employees until her 200$ meal is comped. I feel like she thought I maliciously planted that mustard there just because I am an awful person. Like I could formulate a plan that perfectly.
After she left the restaurant, presumably to go to the country club the watch chiuaua races or whatever the fuck rich people do, my manager calls me into the office to talk. The bitch is going to go buy a new Micheal Korrs purse and is sending the bill to the restaurant to pay it and I have to pay half. What the fuck. Bullshit purse bitch.
WPBDoc: I couldn't figure out what "dropping the mustard" was a euphemism for. Discovered it was really about dropping the mustard.
_vargas_: "Dropping the mustard" is a term used in a certain type of fetish porn known as "hotdogging," which is where people in hotdog costumes have sex with one another. "Dropping the mustard" is the term for the moneyshot. It's when the dude finishes. The performers make sure to always "drop the mustard" because that's what the people who watch that type of porn seem to relish.
Can_you_please_leave: *relish*
Wiiplay123: The big porn sites neet to ketchup with the newest trends!
| 5 | 23.2 | |
1400374387 | 1400442900 | t3_25twbu | t5_2to41 | 43 | dingo8muhbabies: TIFU by farting with a hangover
So this was actually yesterday but I'm still in the process of recovering.
I went to a big party with a few of my friends and drank far too much. We ended up sleeping on the couch and I offered to drop my friend home in the morning. As we were driving with the filthiest of hangovers, I suddenly had the urge to fart. Not just some normal fart either, but the unleashing of the noxious gasses from the seventh circle of hell that come after a night of beer, wine, cheap pizza and regret have been stagnating in your belly for 9 hours.
I obviously couldn't put my friend through that, so I help onto it for dear life until we got to her house. She gets out, and the second the door closes I let it all out. A thundering rip that would put Oden to shame leaves my body, and with it comes the single most disgusting smell I have ever come across. Now the thing about me is I'm a puker. I can drink my own weight in cheap box wine and hold it down like a true champion for the night, but the next morning so much as the smell of coffee will begin emptying my stomach immediately. As you can imagine the smell of this horrid fart was more than I could handle. I open my car door and torrents of puke come out of me. There was a puddle the size of a small lake pools next to my car and I'm shaking and sweating from the sheer force of it.
Just as I think it's all done, I look up to try to start driving, and there is my friends whole family standing at the door getting ready to all go out for a lovely family breakfast, and I'm sat there next to the river Vomit looking like a pale shaky addict in a party dress with my makeup smeared down my face and a rats nest for hair. It was an awkward visit the next time.
Vharr: I thought girls didn't fart?
dingo8muhbabies: Hungover girls do all manner of disgusting shit
SokkaTacoPlane: Sometimes worse than the average stereotype male.
| 4 | 10.75 | |
1400377658 | 1400378420 | t3_25u07z | t5_2to41 | 6 | prostateExamination: TIFU by Marinating Bacon
Moonpiles: Don't beat yourself up, experimenting is the only way to cook.
prostateExamination: thanks...it was only 4 piece of thick cut farm grown pork belly..i still have 3-4 left...and yeah it was a great experiment that will never happen again. the meat just gained to much moisture and steamed in the cooking process instead of searing, what a terrible disappointment.
| 3 | 2 | |
1400376019 | 1400459792 | t3_25ty7l | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my timidness get the best of me.
There's been this girl in one of my classes that I find super interesting and super cute but I haven't worked up the courage to talk to her. We would smile when seeing one another but that's it. She's obviously shy too. Today was the last day of classes and we had a final but she finished just a little bit earlier than me and walked out of the room before I could say anything. As she was leaving she glanced up at me with a look of disappointment in her eyes, a look that I returned. I found out that she's graduating this semester so I'll probably never see her again. I have her school email off the class site but I feel that'd be fricking weird to randomly message her. I'm too damn shy reddit.
BasedJoey_: I used to be the same way. Here's what you have to do: Just count to three and say "fuck it" and do it. Think of the fucking joy you'll have when she says yes.
HushtheHipster: Haha you're right. I have no idea when I'm gonna see this girl next. Damn.
esearcher: And that's exactly why you should send her an email. If she thinks it's weird or doesn't reply, you'll probably never see her again. Also, it's really not weird, you were in a class together and her email is public on the class site. Just do it!
HushtheHipster: Haha thanks for the pep talk. I'm going to try it out. Wish me luck!
esearcher: Good luck, let us know how it goes! Sing this to yourself, maybe it will help motivate you :) http://youtu.be/YyaSQLlS5e8
HushtheHipster: Will do! Hahah the Shins, awesome. As of yet no reply but it's a school email so that totally makes sense.
| 7 | 2.428571 | |
1400374400 | 1400408127 | t3_25twcd | t5_2to41 | 130 | Highland_2: TIFU by ordering a coke
After a long and hard day if work, I stopped by my local chic fil a to order my usual coke and sandwich. I luckily get there before a huge rush of people arrive, yet there are no servers for about 5 minutes. Finally, a young woman comes from the back of the store to take my order. She fills up my drink and hands it to me with a cheery smile and a thank you. Unbeknownst to my brain, my hands did not want to grab the coke. It spills all over the counter and gets all over this poor woman. Trying to apologize, " oh my gosh, I feel like a dick". Except only a small whisper escapes from my lips as I lock directly with this woman's eyes: "dick". She begins to get misty eyed and runs into the back, as I just realized what I have done. I awkwardly left, receiving stink eyes from all of the people behind me and leaving my delicious sandwich sitting on the counter, soaked in coke
smartalec98: Oh god, that'shilarious. Reminds me of the "are you fucking sorry?"
KingScrapMetal: The very first thing I thought of, but I feel like this one is redeemable. I wish OP would just go explain the situation to the server and fix everything, but that's not climactic enough.
vgalosky: Are you gonna whoop me?
| 4 | 32.5 | |
1400385664 | 1400387712 | t3_25u9ja | t5_2to41 | 5 | beefeater3: TIFU by buying a pack of cigarettes
JimiM1113: After smoking for decades the way I quit was using nicotine gum. It takes the edge off the withdrawal and then you slowly wean yourself off the gum over several months. But it is important that you do not smoke cigarettes (regular or electronic) at all. The gum gives you nicotine but in a less pleasurable way than inhaling it, so it allows you to begin the process of getting over the habit. If you really want to quit, this is the best way for those who cannot just quit cold turkey. I smoked for decades and have been off cigarettes for several years now and do not crave them. Good luck.
Downvote_Pls_Sir: u could also try the patches
HxRagexH: Have you ever tried smoking those, it's horrible.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1400387636 | 1400434567 | t3_25ubrn | t5_2to41 | 76 | BEMoss: TIFU by getting fired for using a squirt bottle.
This was a few years back. I got a job as a Gas station pumper, for those of you who didn't know Oregon doesn't let you pump your own gas, and you have someone do it for you. This was my first job and I got it my senior year of high school. It was a great job because I worked with a couple buddies from my high school in a small hick town. However, there was also a 40 year old meth head that worked with us and absolutely hated me.. I still don't know why to this day. My boss was very unprofessional and would have us watch her grandchildren on shift (like WTF?) granted, I was only in high school. What did I know about how the workplace should be ran?
Now that you have some backstory, this is what happened.. One day I was bored and working with a buddy of mine on a crisp 65 degree day. Overcast, sun breaks, typical Oregon spring. We were watching our bosses grand children and pumping gas my friend grabbed the squirt bottle from inside the kiosk and was spraying lines on the ground. I asked him if I could see it and he hands me the squirt bottle. This is where I fuck up. I proceed to draw a huge cum slinger on the ground as detailed as I can blowing a fat load.. Un-benounced to me the children are watching me. When I finished they scream "Oh my gosh thats a penis isn't it isn't it!!!" RED ALERT goes off in my mind and I try to cover up by saying its a rocket taking off and losing tons of fuel from the top. It dried up in 5mins. I thought I was good, until the next day I found out from my friend the meth head worked with the kids the next morning and coaxed them into telling him what happened. He proceeded to tell the boss I was "being sexual" with the kids. My friend backed me up, but needless to say I was fired for drawing a penis on the ground with a squirt bottle.
TL;DR I was fired from my gas station job for drawing a penis on the ground with a squirt bottle in front of my bosses grandkids.
Downvote_Pls_Sir: DUDE U DIDNT GET FIRED 4 USING A SQUIRT BOTTLE U GOT FIRED FOR THE FUCKIN PENIS
[deleted]: How fucking dumb do you have to be to draw a penis on the ground at your place of employment?
RegularWhiteShark: > high school student
| 4 | 19 | |
1400393832 | 1400476102 | t3_25uhp1 | t5_2to41 | 764 | _Max_e_Pad_: TIFU by sharting myself at a bon fire
so this just happened about an hour ago so its pretty fresh. we were having a bon fire with my cousin, my neighbors, my family, my crush's family, and a couple of my friends. so the night is going off pretty good. there was not much drinking because i didn't have a lot money to buy any beer. so we just sat there on these little dinky chairs roasting hot dogs and marsh mellows and other things. we ate chips that my friend bought and it was pretty fun. Now chips and other various foods make me quite gassy and give me cramps and stuff. we sat there for a little longer when i felt the need to take a crap. i held it in because my crush was talking. so i sat there and listened to what she was saying and i felt the worst feeling a man could ever feel. it felt the like a freight train was approaching the drop off. yet i ignored and kept on listening. 10 seconds go past and i know i cant hold it anymore. the pressure was to great so i tried to get up to run to the bathroom but the sudden movement of me getting off the chair triggered the bomb. the loudest and most stinkiest fart i have ever created just went off like the atomic bomb. everybody turned and looked at me in complete horror. my family looked at me like i just killed a man, my cousin was starring at the large shat stain on my pants, my crush's parents looked at me like i just threw a dog off a cliff. and there, are my friends laughing their asses off at the explosion that just happened in front of them. i quickly waddled like a retarded penguin to my house to go and clean up. after about 15 minutes of cleaning myself up i go outside to see that everybody has left except my family and my cousin. I'm worried that my crush will never talk to me again and im also worried what her parents think of me as now.
TL;DR accidentally shat myself in front of my family, my crush's family, my cousin, and my friends at a bon fire.
redditopoly: You won't be dating her until you're past high school, at a minimum, when this turns into something funny. Otherwise, thats not a shart. That sounds like a shit my pants.
russiangn: Yes. This wasn't far with a little shit. This was shit with a little fart.
pheonixORchrist: Hey we don't know how loud tat fart was. He did say it was pretty loud.
russiangn: Ok, Ok. I respect the comment. But, by the details of the story, it sounds like he full-on shit his pants.
021fluff5: He also [threw up all over his dead grandfather](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/25omgq/tifu_by_throwing_up_at_a_funeral/). Controlling bodily functions doesn't seem to be this guy's strong suit.
duckvimes_: >So this was a while back like about 2 years ago but it still haunts me today. i was 11 years old
According to that, he's 13 years old now.
>there was not much drinking because i didn't have a lot money to buy any beer.
Despite that, he's still talking about drinking beer (which he only didn't do because he couldn't afford it--his family bring there was irrelevant). So unless parents are now okay with 13 year olds getting drunk, I'm calling bullshit on one or both of these stories.
Get the pitchforks!
_Max_e_Pad_: i live in small town Saskatchewan, everybody drinks and my parents are totally ok with it the only thing is i cant get super drunk. i can get tipsy but not drunk and i also have to buy all of my own booze. we have a little corner store that sells cheap wine and other alcohol. and yes i am 13. i apologize for the way i worded the sentence to some one who doesn't know me it makes no sense but once again everybody in my small town drinks. I should have made that clear.
| 8 | 95.5 | |
1400395951 | 1400416841 | t3_25ujd8 | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by blowing my nose in a cum-napkin
This literally happened like an hour ago. So Saturday night, bored as hell. Shit, why not rub one out? So i proceed to rub the one-eyed snake and I release the demon onto a napkin. Lazy me thought I would just flush the napkins later and proceed to keep looking through some busty blonde videos. Seconds later I hear someone walking into the direction of my room. I quickly exit out the porn but my mom opens the door with my napkin still on my desk. Me thinking that it would be suspicious having a sticky filled napkin on my desk on a Saturday night thought to use it as an excuse to blow my nose. So i fold the napkin in the opposite direction to avoid contact with the baby gravy. Right when she walks in i bring the napkin to my nose and blow. I initially feel it on my nostrils, i guess my semen is extremely watery cuz that shit leaked through and even worse, the moistness caused the napkin to rip so i am now in 1 on 1 contact with my own semen. I am immediately disgusted but can't give away my position, so i stick with the plan until she leaves. When she leaves i look in the mirror, and my god. I felt like Sasha Grey. At least now i cant be called a hypocrite for wanting to give a girl a facial.
infinitecinema: oh and btw, smelled like shit
ozboy82: Yet you expect girls to swallow it, better pay 'em some respect boy!
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1400397035 | 1400422593 | t3_25uk6l | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to be a chef.
It's 3:00 A.M. I'm writing some music when this insane growl erupts from my stomach so I decide I'll take a break to cook an omelette. I live with my grandparents and they're asleep so I try not to make *too* much noise, there's a bit of open space and kitchen sounds travel through the house so I do everything as quietly as I can. I finally get everything mixed and ready to go. Once the egg mixture is in the pan everything is going good. There are a few different types of omelettes and the one I usually makes involves you flipping one side onto the other and then flipping the whole thing. The first flip is done successfully but then when it's time to do the second flip I decide I'm a fucking chef and try to flip the whole thing with the pan alone instead of the spatula. As the omelette is in the air I instantly realized I fucked up when 50% of the omelette is in the air and not aiming back for the frying pan. Now this mixture of cooked and raw egg lands on the fire of the gas stove causing it to smoke. *I don't know why I didn't just turn the stove off instantly* So parts of the stove eggs are burning and on fire, which causes smoke. Now the smoke alarm goes off and wakes my grandparents and they think the house is on fire. At this point the kitchen smells like burnt eggs and I'm mad because I was hungry as fuck so I had to make another one. Anyway I made another one and now I'm eating it while making this post. Pic of [the new one](http://i.imgur.com/ivruJnL.jpg) It looks huge but its actually on a saucer.
**TLDR; I can't flip eggs.**
PutinInDetroit: were you drunk or high? lol
red_spooks: Why not both?
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1400405170 | 1400456335 | t3_25upjj | t5_2to41 | 92 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to reason with an inebriated ex-con Nazi sympathizer
So this evening, after a couple drinks at my friend's bar just outside Portland, I got into a political discussion with some friends regarding WWII, the Crimean War, current Russian military engagement with Ukraine, and the nuclear capabilities of the US gov't. After about half an hour of our left-leaning banter, the folks sitting next to us began to take interest and we quickly learned one of them was a conspiracy theorist (He claimed the Star Wars space program of the Reagan administration had planted hundreds of nuclear warheads in orbit via satellites) and the other gentleman was a skinhead, though his backwards baseball cap and TapOut shirt gave him the appearance of your standard-issue, juiced-up, knuckle-dragging douchebag.
He made the argument that Hitler had done nothing wrong, since "Jews are a selfish and greedy people" and "every other great nation that has ever existed has established itself using violent means." I hammered the point that though there's some merit to his latter claim, the former is ignorant at best and holds no water from a sociological or anthropological standpoint, and the latter should never be used as a justification for social policy.
After about twenty minutes of this, his friend, who was ironically a gay waiter who had apparently just gotten off shift judging by his name badge, urged me repeatedly to end the conversation with his friend since politics and religion are poor conversation topics and often lead to violence. I naively assured him that lively debate can only lead to deeper understanding of the topic by both parties, and that I had no interest in engaging anyone physically. I would soon learn that I drastically underestimated the interests of his friend, however and kept going. My rebuttal to Mr. TapOut's defense of violence as a societal inevitability began with the example of crime rates decreasing over the past century as we have increased incarceration rates for violent offenders, thus removing them from the gene pool and lowering the overall procreation rates of males with genetic predispositions that would yield violent tendencies. This is where I should have shut my mouth.
He proceeded to tell me he had six (SIX!!) separate previous violent crime offenses, and his immediate and extended family had spent a lot of time in jail for violent crimes due to, "motherfuckers like you running their mouths." I put out my hand right then, told him to have a good night, and literally ran the 40 blocks home without saying goodbye to my friends with whom I'd come to the bar.
I guess the lesson in all this is, when you notice some burly motherfucker has eyes so dilated you can't even tell if his defense of the Aryan race is ironic or legit, don't attempt to have any type of debate with him, especially about religion and politics. Fuck Nazi sympathizers.
WoodrowHarrelson: You sound like a douche bag and I kind of want to kick your ass
xxam925: Lol, seriously. Halfway through the first paragraph I found myself wondering how majestic his neckbeard was and just how extensive his fedora collection is.
"Juiced up knuckledragger" HA
Supajin: He must have been stroking his neckbeard during the conversation
melonfarmer123: http://images1.makefive.com/images/experiences/wellness/worst-facial-hair/the-neck-beard-7.jpg
sidewayzsequence: HOLY.SHIT.
That thing is a site to behold
Supajin: what in the world.......neckbeards are more magnificent than I have ever seen before!
| 7 | 13.142857 | |
1400398824 | 1400447779 | t3_25ulh8 | t5_2to41 | 63 | Dawgs000: TIFU by sneezing at an unfortunate time
So this actually happened a year ago, but I went into work on a Saturday to get some extra work done. I was the only person in the office, and I had some invoices to generate and was on my last one. I also had to shit really bad, but opted to hold it until this invoice was complete. Well, as I'm sure you've deduced from the title, I sneezed and shit my pants. But that doesn't really give what happened justice. My pants went from comfortably clean to full of feces like a lightning strike. There were no in between stages, but rather scene 1: Dawgs000 diligently typing away at his computer when he sneezes straight to scene 2: Dawgs000 confused and crying as he sits in a considerable amount of brown soft serve. I know I'm beating the analogies like a dead horse here, but as I was cleaning myself up in the bathroom I kept thinking that it happened very similarly to how the build-a-bear machines inserted the fluff into my daughters' bears. I remember being very impressed with how fast those machines worked on the teddy bears. I was much less impressed that my bowels decided to crush that record. Oh yeah, and it got every where, under the scrote, past my tailbone, just fucking everywhere. FML
spankyitus: Don't forget to clean your chair or Monday is going to be pretty interesting.
DrewP_Wiener: "So this actually happened a year ago..."
TheAlbinoAmigo: its only smellz
| 4 | 15.75 | |
1400420040 | 1400518243 | t3_25v020 | t5_2to41 | 31 | not_that_radcliffe: TIFU by eating nachos w/ jalapenos and drinking cider
Last night I went out to see a late showing of Godzilla with some mates. We were pretty hungry and thirsty after working long day shifts, and so decided to grab some cinema food before the film.
I have minor acid reflux, but take meds to keep it under control and can eat whatever now - however, the fatal trifecta of nachos, spicy peppers, and cider (if you're UK based, you may be aware of 'Rattler' - crazy stuff w/o moderation) hit me bad.
Most of the way through the film I'm fine, but after seeing one too many explosions, my stomach begins to give way...and I puke on the couple in front of us at the cinema (it was dark, I made a sneaky dash out the door, hopefully the infra-red camera won't be able to make me out!)
Jump forward 16 hours later, and I have not JUST a blinding hangover, but a literal ring of fire.
Never again.
EDIT: missed out some words.
sidewayzsequence: How was the movie in your opinion? Worth seeing?
not_that_radcliffe: I personally really liked it - my mates compared it way too much to the Broderick one, but c'mon let's be honest Godzilla will always be Godzilla, and how can anyone be disappointed at that?
Also the Mutos were pretty fucking awesome, I'd recommend you watch it ! :)
sidewayzsequence: Very nice I will check it out, thanks for the tip!
not_that_radcliffe: Anytime, enjoy! :D
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1400422861 | 1400448710 | t3_25v2y2 | t5_2to41 | 102 | ThatGreenTeaGuy: TIFU by puking on my best friend.
I'm a 20 year old dude. I was at a party with a bunch of my friends who I hadn't seen that much since we go to different colleges. I got way too drunk and someone handed me some vodka. Being the drunk ass I was I grabbed it and took a huge pull and then proceeded to tell one of my best friends about how I had a crush on her. It was at this point I should have realized I wasn't feeling right. Anyways I thought I had to simply burp so I covered my mouth, but instead of burping proceeded to vomit out the sides all over another of my best friends. I obviously still remember it all.
TL;DR side vomitted on my friend and some randos at a party.
Might_Be_The_NSA: Damn. Hey, at least you didn't puke on your crush... right?
ThatGreenTeaGuy: Haha thank god I didn't. Still too bad I did it right in front of her. Oh well you live and you learn I suppose!
sidewayzsequence: What was the lesson learned? Not to chug vodka? Or to not burp in front of your crush?
ThatGreenTeaGuy: What is "dont chug vodka" Alex
| 5 | 20.4 | |
1400427112 | 1400432225 | t3_25v7w8 | t5_2to41 | 38 | CaptainOButtraptors: TIFU By Yelling at a Pirate
Be extremely drunk. 9/10 walks past the table at the bar, dressed as a pirate. Complimented her attire, she smiles, appreciates, and continues on. This process continues throughout the night, friends looking over giggling. End of the night, walk over to close tab, super-duper schwasty. Bartenders sees that I'm talk to her and asks 'so whats a pirates favorite letter.' I yell 'ARRRGH' (R) and she yells 'The Sea' (C.) Bartender sides with the lady pirate, drunk competitive self takes instant offense to his titty bias. Bartender, ask another 'What is a pirate's favorite accessory?' Turn and look her dead in the eye 'A Rape Whistle.' It was supposedly booty.
Realize what just left my lips, apologize profusely. /drop mic and left bar. Now afraid to go back. and she was so cute and now she thinks i'm a rapist.
LiLBooThaKing: I'm pretty sure you mean she KNOWS now
CaptainOButtraptors: Do I have to tell my neighbors now?
| 3 | 12.666667 | |
1400430421 | 1400475330 | t3_25vc4u | t5_2to41 | 80 | hopsiah: TIFU by peeing in a refrigerator
So, last night I went to my brothers place to watch the Bellator fights. I told myself I wouldn't drink anything hard, but I'm a sucker for peer pressure. I got annihilated and passed out on the couch. I woke up at some point a few hours later and had to pee. So I assumed that the refrigerator was the best place for it.
I ruined the food for their BBQ today and I'm pretty sure I pissed his girlfriend off permanently. I remember nothing of this but I saw the aftermath of my urine adventure.
Supajin: At least you didn't shit in it
sirin3: Sure?
Have you checked the butter?
MikaelLastNameHere: Yeah, couldn't believe that it wasn't butter.
| 4 | 20 | |
1400433893 | 1400455137 | t3_25vh12 | t5_2to41 | 38 | Redditor_0: TIFU by accidentally texting my crush.
So I have a friend, like we all do, that I can say anything and everything to. We talk about EVERYTHING. Sex related shit, relationship related shit, etc. Anyways, I decided to text her the first thing that came to my mind, just for shits and giggles. Turns out I sent it to my crush. I guess saying "I would fuck a hobo in order to hear you shit over a 17 year old HAM radio underwater." isn't a very good pickup line.
TL;DR: Accidentally texted a joke to a friend, turned out to be crush instead.
Kahhmezzy: I'm interested to hear about what she text you back saying not gonna lie.
Redditor_0: She hasn't responded back yet, but I'll update the post if/when she does.
OooNoYouDidnt: Just go with it. Tell her these are the things that turn you on. If she's into it too, you're golden!
| 4 | 9.5 | |
1400433019 | 1400458384 | t3_25vfql | t5_2to41 | 4,420 | bardiia: TIFU by cutting a piece of my scrotum off
Title says it all...
Let me get something clear; I'm used to trimming my pubic hair with scissors, and I have definitely done the odd snip of the skin... But today, I was trimming my pubic hair with a pair of brand new, extremely sharp scissors (stupidly), preparing it to shave for an 'occasion' on Friday night. I got a little careless with the scrotum area and the next thing you know... *snip* and a small piece of my sac fell into the toilet. Surprisingly, it didn't hurt much - but the panic attack afterward made my head hurt. Inevitably, it did bleed... A lot...
I shall probably have to get this checked out. But as it stands now, the 'occasion' is probably cancelled...
Bliss :(
sockalicious: Tasks for today:
1: Tell /u/bardiia to go to the emergency room right now.
2: (unsubscribe) /r/TIFU
shinydragonite: Sometimes I think I'm only subscribed to TIFU so that I don't forget that a pair of shat pants is always right around the corner. Because of the sub, I'm always on high alert, and I never trust a fart.
ajarofmarmalade: We should make a list of undeniable tifu rules.
1: Never... *NEVER* trust a fart or any other bodily function
2: .....
myemailiscool: never try to shove a glass bottle up your ass
[deleted]: Never use scissors in the vicinity of something you can't afford to lose...
XxYtuamaxX: Always watch where you blow your baby batter..
FlyingSpeculum: Lock the damn door.
KaiTal: Put away all used sex toys.
ACreepyThrowaway: Double check the recipient of that picture of your genitals you are about to send.
darryshan: Use sonar when fapping (one earphone out).
AuspiciousReindeer: Never wipe your face with random used tissue laying around.
NextArtemis: These would all be great for /r/InternetAdvice
| 13 | 340 | |
1400434282 | 1400470611 | t3_25vhl8 | t5_2to41 | 10 | dumbasshighschooler: TIFU by hanging out with a high school sophomore
I'm a senior in high school that's about to graduate in a month. Right now I've been trying to have some last minute memories with friends who I won't be able to see in a long time (going far away for college). One of my really close friends this year is a sophomore but she's a really young sophomore since her birthday is in August and she skipped a grade she's actually 14 years old.
Last night, she asked me if I wanted to hang out but I couldn't since this week is full of end of year events and the only time I was actually free was last night. So I asked her if she wanted to hang out then and she agreed. The thing about hanging out at such a late time is that there is very little to do so we decided on just going to the grocery store to get some snacks and then head out to a park and just talk about everything. I didn't know this but apparently parks close after dusk so being there was illegal. A cop that was patrolling the area came and told us that we weren't allowed to be there. When he asked about our age and what we were doing there he immediately assumed that we had sex (I didn't even touch her, she's just a friend) and called out another officer to interrogate the shit out of both of us. Since she's underage they made her call her mom out to pick her up. They checked the area and my car to see if there was any indication of whether or not we had done anything and there wasn't so they let me go. They still took down my drivers license information and "documented the event."
Even though no charges were pressed or no offense committed I'm still kind of scared this is going to leave some kind of track record somewhere and since I'm going to a fairly prestigious university I'm worried that it could hurt my future.
TIFU
Excited_Delirium: In my agency it would be filed as a field interview - no crime committed.
NeetSnoh: But would anyone outside of the department be able to request a copy of a field interview.
Excited_Delirium: Generally no... that tends to stay in house. We may share it with another agency if they were to stop you for similar circumstances. If youre thinking a college or potential employer would be able to view it, I very highly doubt it. And even if they did manage to, itd be heavily redacted (including her dob). They typically only get access to criminal records- which you dont have one after this. Rest easy kid...if you genuinely did nothing wrong, youre fine.
NeetSnoh: Not op, just inquiring.
| 5 | 2 | |
1400433546 | 1400472995 | t3_25vgiq | t5_2to41 | 37 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking way too much and calling my ex.
Actually it was last night. I drank 2.5 bottles of wine and drunk dialed him. For the life of me I cannot remember what was said, but I do remember crying and laughing at something but mainly just crying. Woke up with a hang over and have already puked 3 times. Finding out you can projectile vomit is not a great skill to learn.
UPDATE : We talked last night and it wasn't as bad as I thought (we broke up on good terms). Apparently for 45 minutes I just kept apologising for drinking so much. He said he tried to move the conversation but it kept going back to how sorry I was. :/ Not a proud moment I'm my life but at least it wasn't anything too embarrassing to share.
Mr_Kush_Bush: Maybe the more important issue is drinking 2.5 bottles of wine without viewing it as a problem...
chickenlittlemeat: I was thinking the same thing - how can anyone drink 2.5 bottles of wine, but then I thought maybe these aren't very big bottles.
VacuousBoredom: Most bottles of wine aren't (in my experience). If I can drink a 2L bottle of coolef in an hour, this should be no problem.
chickenlittlemeat: Not a big wine drinker - not afraid of the alcohol but isn't that an excessive amount of liquid? IMO there are better ways to get drunk, if that is the goal.
VacuousBoredom: Better, yes. Cheaper? Not many. And when you're poor and have a high tolerance, bargains are everything lol
| 6 | 6.166667 | |
1400433553 | 1400505440 | t3_25vgj1 | t5_2to41 | 13 | Cbcinus: TIFU by making bacon
I normally make bacon in the microwave. Today being a lazy Sunday, I figured I'd go all fancy and cook it on the stove. After about ten strips, there was a lot of fat in the pan, so decided to pour it out before making any more. I knew better than to pour it into the empty can of Crisco I had laying around, but saw an empty glass mason jar on the counter. I put the jar in the sink, and it fit perfectly in the garbage disposal slot. I wanted to be sure it didn't move around because you know, this was scalding hot grease. I poured it into the jar and all was great...until I heard something sizzle and drain. Grabbed a potholder and lifted the jar out of the sink. Only half of it came out. The bacon grease had burned through the jar. Literally cut it in half. So now I have he bottom half of the jar still in the disposal with burning hot grease in it.
http://i.imgur.com/VWfEdzo.jpg
MyNameIsSkittles: Are you a coffee drinker? The empty cans are great for bacon grease.
vapiddiscord: People still drink coffee that comes in cans? I thought it was all vacuum sealed bags and K-cups these days.
Nutarama: Oh yeah, stuff's still super common, especially since they don't make terribly big vacuum-sealed bags. If you brew more than a pot of coffee a day, you're probably still buying Maxwell House or some other big-name middle-of-the-road coffee by the can. Foodservice goes through them like nobody's business.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1400439391 | 1400449379 | t3_25voz1 | t5_2to41 | 324 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting a blowjob from a guy (NSFW)
Dear reddit today i fucked up. This needs a little backstory so here goes: I was molested at age 7 (I was forced to give a blowjob to a family friend).
So, today i was feeling a little horny since i haven't got laid in a few months so I decided to reply to a guy who is openly gay and tried flirting with me while back. He responded and said that he'd give me a blowjob to rid me of my woes. I obliged and met up with him at a parking lot near my place. This is where it gets serious, he's doing his thing and i'm just focusing on the physical sensation and soon enough orgasmed. When the post-orgasmic haze wore off i found myself reliving my childhood trauma at **300%**. When he dropped me off i just slumped against a wall and cried my eyes out until i felt capable of facing my parents with a straight face. I can't stop playing the memories in my head spliced with the blowjob i just got and his voice saying: >Like it?... And i'm panicking. I even got home and drank some piping hot coffee to get the taste of his lips out of my mouth...
Hbeeman: Have you gotten any therapy or medication for that? If this effects your relationships then you should probably do something about it. You shouldn't have to sit in silence over something that traumatic. I'm very sorry that this has happened to you.
[deleted]: Thanks for the sympathy, I really appreciate it... I have never told my parents but i did admit it to a therapist a few years ago who was kind enough to make up some syndrome and get me some much needed anxiety and antidepressant prescriptions. It affects a lot of my relationships and honestly I don't know what i was thinking when i agreed to that BJ, it never even crossed my mind until it was done.
MonkeyTails33: Aren't you interested in getting to the bottom of exactly how this childhood event has shaped your life? How it affects who you are on a day to day basis? It is no big mystery in the field of psychoanalysis that childhood memories absolutely shape who you are today, and that you're by default largely unaware of how they do so.
You might have fucked up today, but you did a really good thing by telling a bunch of internet strangers about your childhood sexual abuse. You really, really should seek therapy from someone trained in psychoanalysis. You could make huge strides in your life.
If you're curious about how this type of therapy works you can pm me... or if you just want to talk...
[deleted]: I'm not sure if you're bashing me for putting this online or really concerned. Make it clear
MonkeyTails33: Really? My post had zero I'll intention. You clearly want to tell your experiences, and you did that by posting online, but by far the best place to talk about this stuff is with a therapist who devotes their life to helping people understand how their minds work so that they can improve themselves.
You may think you do know who you are and how your mind works, we all do, but events in our childhood totally shape who you are, and it's completely unbeknownst to the conscious mind... for everybody. Everybody has a due diligence to figure out who they are IMO. Everyone should seek therapy, it's the only way to unravel your mind. You cannot do it alone. All legendary therapists have sought therapy themselves. You need someone else for the process to work. They help you in a way you can't on your own.
[deleted]: Sorry I misunderstood you dude. Maybe I should consider going back to therapy and telling my parents or something... It's true that I can't overcome it on my own even though it happened over 10 years ago
MonkeyTails33: I mean, if you really want to tell your parents... If you're ready for that... But that has nothing to do with therapy. You could tell your parents you got bullied when you were a kid and want to see a therapist (specifically trained in psychoanalysis, seek one out who meets your insurance policy, if you have insurance) for that and just use it as a guise to then go and tell your therapist EVERYTHING. Your therapist cannot lawfully share what you tell them with ANYONE at risk of losing their license.
Only way you "overcome" it is to understand how it has shaped your life. You may or may not even be able to change how it shapes your life, but understanding is extremely therapeutic. I promise, promise, promise you that you cannot overcome this, and you definitely won't process how it has affected you, without the help of a therapist, especially one trained in psychoanalysis. Tell them your first meeting about what happened to you, and say you want to know if they can help you get to the bottom of how this changed your life. Some therapists are just flat out not ready for that and would refer you to another one.
[deleted]: Thank you for your advice I'll look into some local therapists
MonkeyTails33: So awesome man. Feels really good to hear that. Way to reach out today.
[deleted]: Wow dude thanks, wasn't expecting the support. Thank you, for real man
MonkeyTails33: I've been reading up on psychoanalysis. It's a really cool subject. You absolutely need a therapist to practice it. You can't practice it alone. If you want to check out a book I'd recommend [this one](http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0465014054?pc_redir=1400137048&robot_redir=1). Dome redditor gave me crazy insight about psychoanalysis all via PM and dropped me like 7 book recs about a week ago, all of which I bought.
[deleted]: Thanks dude
| 13 | 24.923077 | |
1400440087 | 1400479662 | t3_25vpzp | t5_2to41 | 110 | Neighborhoodpedo: TIFU when I came in my own mouth
Title explains it...
Some back story though. My SO and I were masterbating with each other in the shower for a good hour. She was right up on me while I was playing with her and myself. As I was about to blow my man juice she leans on my dick and my gun was locked and loaded pointing at my face. One last rub and I erupt like a volcano. Needless to say it shot me in the face and I immediately pushed her head down and told her not to look at me. I hope she sees this cause she is a redditor too. Please stop laughing babe.
snipdawg: Seeing your username makes me think your SO is around 10
vgalosky: http://imgur.com/ZXaaJjD
Shotsfired_: Risky click.
hungryhungryhulk: I regret nothing.
| 5 | 22 | |
1400441914 | 1400456364 | t3_25vspu | t5_2to41 | 4 | KotSTis: TIFU by putting the metal sheet that makes the alarm go off in my pocket
So, like most of the things on this subreddit this didn't happen today but rather about a month ago. One day after school, for some weird reason I was like:"Hey, lets shoplift anything from a clothing store!".
So I go in and get a scarf and a t-shirt, making my way to the changing rooms. Then I proceed to rip the metal thing that makes the alarm go off when you exit the building, put it in my pocket and proceed to the t-shirt. Apparently the t-shirt is too hard for me to rip apart and so I decide to put the scarf in my bag and just walk out, forgetting that I still had the Metal thing in my pocket. So as I confidently walk out(to minimize suspicion) the alarm goes off and an employee tells me:"Hey, can you step inside the store for a minute?". 10 seconds ago my dad had called to ask me something so I bought some time(30 secs). At that moment I was like:"FUCK THIS SHIT! I AM GONNA RUN" and I actually DO start running. Now for some weird reason, this 20 year old employee who probably had nothing to do with the ownership of the store, starts furiously running to catch me. In my head I was thinking that she is probably gonna give up, but she doesn't. Instead she calls for backup from a dude that was also working in the store cause now, I have two people on my tail. Well, the adrenaline rush kicks in and I manage to get a 2 block lead, but these motherfuckers are still at it.(At this point I need to say that the place this event happened was near the beach not in a crowded city). Now my second fuck up is here. After getting that big lead I calm down and start walking instead of finding a hiding spot. This results in me getting caught. Once they catch me, I start begging them not to call the cops, as I am on my senior year, and this could very well end it all for me. Thankfully the lady didn't call the cops. Instead she called my mother who just yelled at me.
BTW, the only reason I did it was for the adrenaline rush and the excitement, just so you guys know
**BTW, the police station was right around the corner from that store**
**TL;DR:** I shoplifted without removing the metal alarm tripper.Got chased after. Got a 2 block lead and calmed down, resulting in me getting caught. No cops were called thankfuly.
Vexas: If you're in the US the store employees can't actually apprehend you, according to most big box store policies.
moalfred: Not even a citizen's arrest?
Vexas: There is still liabilities for the company
moalfred: I suppose it makes sense to an extent. That's also what security guards are there for I guess.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1400441938 | 1400474886 | t3_25vsr1 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my best friend get together with this girl after splitting up with his now ex
DISCLAIMER: My first reddit, and first TIFU "thread" or however you call them.
Well not really a TIFU but probably one waiting to happen, and I didn't know where else to put this.
So basically my best friend (we're both guys) has recently dumped his GF of about half a year. Abusive, needy, jealous and fake bitch in a nutshell. Why? She tried denying him from seeing his (closest) friends, including me, because she was a crazy bitch. We're (me and my best friend) both quite close friends with this girl with which said best friend had been with a couple of years back , and his (now) ex threatened her and also put other people to threaten her to stop us from hanging out together because she was jealous and worried he might still have feelings for her, or whatever.
The funny thing is she was seemingly almost harmless and agreeable when her and my best friend and myself hanged out (or hung, whatever) , hence why she's fake.
My friend has finally broken up with this crazy bitch, saying that he couldn't bear her constantly annoying him and denying him from hanging out with me any longer. I'd have rather he dumped her ass the second she started making threats to this mutual girl friend of ours, but anyways..
Now he's started chatting up a girl from my class (he's in a different HS) , and we've even hung out a couple of times, and I think they're going to get together if they haven't already. All fine and dandy, she's actually quite OK and agreeable (up to this point, definitely an improvement over his ex) , save for the little part where my friend mentioned a little something about me he shouldn't have to this girl, for whatever reason. Not really that much of a big deal, if she weren't from my HS. I'd rather people didn't find out and she's really not that close a friend to me so I can't trust her not to spill the beans at some point.
In any case, the three of us hung out yesterday with another guy from my class and a girl from my HS, and we had quite good fun. She lives in a different neighborhood than us so me, my friend and this other guy from my class went there and hung out with her and some of her friends in the evening after having spent most of the day in the park and mall.
Today I hanged out with my friend, our mutual girl friend I was talking about earlier, and that guy from my class in our neighborhood. At one point he and this other guy figure out they want to meet up with my best friend's new GF (still not certain) around her place, all fine and dandy except that I don't want to go. I tell them that I don't feel like it and would rather go home. I had been out for quite a good couple of hours to that point and just didn't feel like it. Then this other guy, who's probs the most passive aggressive person I've ever met (in quantity if not quality) pressures me continually for about 20 minutes or so to come with them, with my best friend joining him on and off. Finally they go their way ; me and that mutual girl friend I was talking about go home.
I'm not really the most outgoing type of guy, I'm more laid back, the kind that would rather just sit around and chill, and my best friend is pretty much the same. Don't get me wrong, the girl is quite agreeable. But I don't want her getting used to us coming over or hanging out where she wants all the time, because my friend will inevitably try and drag me into it. We hung out yesterday, almost the entire day with her, where and how she wanted. It only seemed fair that she'd come by today, not us. During school days they get to see each other every day anyways because he comes by my HS when we get out. It really wouldn't be that much of a problem with me but we kind of go everywhere together and so he'd pressure me into it.
I know all of this might sound needy, but don't get me wrong - he is the one that has to like her, not me or anyone else. But when it affects me or our mutual friends directly - for example, by having to face threats, him being denied from seeing us (as has happened with his ex) or us getting dragged into things we don't feel like doing (which is what will probably happen now), then that's a completely different ball game.
First world problems, I know.
EDIT: So really my biggest rants are that my best friend has told this girl something he shouldn't have and I don't want their *thing* to go on to the point where he's her little lap dog (like with his last GF) and I and our mutual friends get dragged into going places we don't want to go and doing things we don't want to do. He's either gonna have to start going without me (which he probably should) or find himself another GF.
Then again I might be overreacting after the terrible experience with his ex.
heykoolaidohyeah: I am pretty sure you are a woman.
freedomcominthrough: ?
BoyBreakSky: That whole story made no sense because it reads like a middle school valley girl wrote it. Tangent after tangent. Jesus.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1400449386 | 1400473720 | t3_25w3zr | t5_2to41 | 83 | throwaway91827398: TIFU by sleeping with a prostitute
Haven't had any action in a while so I decided to do it. Good thing is that its legal here in Switzerland. Called up an agency and set it up cost 800 CHF. After I came I felt so empty, what a big mistake. Not to mention possible STDs...didn't think about that one, thanks horny me what a GREAT idea.
sidewayzsequence: 800.00 CHF = 896.773 USD
Pricey. I hope she was really fucking hot for that kind of paper
18of20today: It must be nice to have more money than he knows what to do with. I couldn't imagine spending that much money on a single purchase unless it was a laptop or a car.
Ingens_Testibus: $897 for a car? That's one cheap ass car. Enjoy your Yugo, sir!
18of20today: I was thinking of things that would be worth spending even $897 to me. $897 could buy 450lbs of strawberries and there are very few things in the world that are better than strawberries.
Ingens_Testibus: Bourbon. I win, sir.
18of20today: False. I have slightly more than two pounds of strawberries in my house at the moment and zero Bourbon. I do enjoy alcohol enough to have 58 bottles of good beer, but if forced to choose between a world without booze and a world without strawberries, I would give up booze.
Ingens_Testibus: I admire your commitment to the strawberry -- I'll say that!
| 8 | 10.375 |
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