start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1400981842 | 1401032998 | t3_26ezvy | t5_2to41 | 124 | Jared8254: TIFU By downloading porn on my cell phone and letting my friend use it.
First thing's first. This is my first fuck up so sorry Reddit If I fuck up my Fuck up. Second thing, this actually happened a week ago but anyway, here's the story. So there's me. A horny, curious teenager. It was a Friday Night and I was just lying down on my bed, thinking about my life. Out of the blue, i felt the urge to Choke the Chicken. I was too lazy to get up and watch some porn on my computer, (since I was already in my comfortable spot on my bed) so I grab my phone sitting besides me and download a hell ton of some porn. It didn't take long until I released the goo. After that, I fell asleep. The next morning, my close friend wanted to come over. I said yes and he came in about 10 minutes or so. We played some Ghosts for about 30 minutes, then we got tired. He asked me if he can borrow my phone to "go on facebook", but Instead he did something else so evil it scared satan himself. I had school the next day, and about 45 minutes into class, all hell breaked loose. The porn on my phone was playing in full volume and everyone, including the teacher was staring at me. I couldn't take it anymore so I ran outside and locked myself in the restroom. I got my phone and it turns out, he put the sounds of my porn videos to my alarm, set for the middle of class.
TL;DR I fucked up by downloading porn on my phone and my friend put it as an alarm set during the middle of my class.
Update: My friend apologized and I forgave him but I do have some trust issues now...
birchskin: Why the fuck, after porn started blaring on your phone, did you decide it would be a good idea to leave the room and lock yourself in the bathroom versus just turning the thing off? That's probably the worst part...
Jared8254: I didn't know what to do, It was just too much and I just locked myself in there.
kamicom: My Macbook's battery died so I took it to an Apple Store. I don't really keep my Macbook clean so the worker quickly cleaned off my keyboard and screen with a cloth. When she finished wiping it clean, the first thing I noticed what a couple of strands of thick curly pubes on the cloth. The second thing I noticed was that she noticed it as well.
I have no idea where those pubes came from...
scruffy_dog: That's fucking disgusting man. I work in a telco store and people always bring their shit in like that. Don't you people have some sort of decency to at least clean your shit before you bring it in for someone to touch?!
creamersrealm: Try ancient crappy cheap laptops such as a Acer laptop with widely spaced keys. There is always hair food crumbs and crap in there.
| 6 | 20.666667 | |
1400983784 | 1401014977 | t3_26f25s | t5_2to41 | 9 | pterodactylpirate: TIFU by letting alcohol ruin my relationship
Well it wasn't really a relationship yet, but had plenty of potential.
My housemates girlfriend has been trying to set me up with her friend for quite some time. I finally agreed, and we went on a date on Wednesday night. We got on like a house on fire and really hit it off. I was resisting the date, because I'm also quite friendly with this girls brother. I was reluctant to get involved in something with so many strings attached, and potential for hurt/disaster.
Fast forward to Friday Night. I went to my buddies house for dinner, and we got plastered. We were drinking all night, while I was messaging this girl. First mistake - inviting her over.
I don't remember much of the next couple of hours - but I do remember her storming out of my house at about 2am after having sex. Knowing myself - I was being vulgar, rude and obnoxious. Enough to put her off me and scare her away from a potentially really good thing. I don't know what got into me, but I fucked up - and I fucked up hard.
I've been trying to make it up to her, and wanting to meet up to apologize, however she doesn't want to. Truthfully, I wouldn't want to date a drunk version of me - especially the version she saw on Friday night.
I've got to get my drinking under control. Thanks for reading.
SwampMidget: "...being vulgar, rude and obnoxious...."
rude? like dirty sanchez rude?
pterodactylpirate: I remember opening the front door without wearing a shirt - which is a bit of an obnoxious start. Don't remember much else, however based on her text - "I feel like you didn't respect me and what I was saying. I also feel like you were going too far about being passive aggressive towards things we've previously spoken about"
SwampMidget: no no....you're golden! if a chick ever tells you something like "I feel like you didn't respect me " you own her. Keep up w/ what you're doin'
budbuds: You dumbarse.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1400985922 | 1400990260 | t3_26f4lx | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by not checking the meat
This afternoon I was feeling pretty hungry, so I decided to make an early dinner. I looked through the fridge, and decided to thaw out one of the leftover burgers in the freezer. I microwaved and ate it, but about twenty minutes later, my stomach started to make some very unhappy noises. I went and looked at the burgers. Turns out, I hadn't grabbed the fresh ones from the other night. I looked at the masking tape label on the back of the plastic wrap, and to my dismay, it read: January 10. I immediately ran to the bathroom in time to vomit off and on or the next half hour. I'm hoping it's all out of my system now.
Moral of the story: check how long food's been in the freezer before you eat it. I don't think I'll be eating leftovers again for a while.
jonesy0412: If it was frozen properly it shouldn't have made you sick. Four and a half months in the freezer isn't that long for frozen beef is it?
NefastVoltaire: If something was cooked before hand it might go bad quicker... I'm not sure.
| 3 | 5 | |
1400991451 | 1401120425 | t3_26farn | t5_2to41 | 140 | [deleted]: TIFU by picking up two underage girls by accident
We were at a anime-con and we were having fun. We just came out of a panel and our group went to the game room to play same games. I had a huge presence in the panel so some people would come up to me randomly and say, "hey, are you the13thmember?" and stuff like that.
So this girl said that to me and I said yeah, we talked a little, she was a lone, I invited her to come with us to have some fun. She told me she was a 15 year old, I freaked. I texted a friend to bail me out and she did.
30 minutes later
Same deal. She said that she had a hotel room all to herself. She was very playful, poking me with her wand and random stuff like that. I played the 'guess my age' game. She knew I was 19, she's 15. Dude. No. I had the same friend bail me out again (bless her soul).
So, yeah, gg
Cerikal: Once is an accident, twice means your dumb. Stop playing games with people and ask to see a picture id. At Cons this is a necessity since there is so much jailbait. Unless you want to be playing hide the salami in jail you had better wise up.
[deleted]: I completely understand, that's why I played "guess my age" game with the second one.
Cerikal: No, no guessing. Just straight out get proof. People lie, teenage gurls are no exception. And being on the sex offender list would suck.
budbuds: I understand what you're saying but do you make all the ladies wet and drop their panties when asking for photo I.D ?
Cerikal: Lol. When I was 16 I went to a con. Met a nice guy, he asked for id. I hadn't any idea he was over 18 until he asked and I wasn't offended at all. He went one way, I went the other. End of story.
fookinat: "He went one way, I went the other."
This what happens *every time* a guy asks for ID, regardless of the woman's actual age; hence, their reluctance to do it.
Cerikal: We left because I was underage, not because he asked for id.
fookinat: Yes, I understood that.
| 9 | 15.555556 | |
1400985339 | 1401054913 | t3_26f3wh | t5_2to41 | 3 | Katastic_Voyage: TIFU (tomorrow I...) by accidentally time travelling back in time 24-hours.
Elusive_Matter: Whats going to be on the front page tomorrow?
Katastic_Voyage: Not this, that's for sure.
| 3 | 1 | |
1400990498 | 1401033103 | t3_26f9oj | t5_2to41 | 35 | VeggieAstronomer: TIFU by leaving my iPad on the couch.
A couple days ago, I was doing some work on my iPad 2, and left it on the couch when I ran to the kitchen to make some dinner. We don't own a real table (what can I say, I'm a broke student), so I sat down on the floor to eat at the coffee table and leaned back against the couch.
Poor choice. All that I remember from those next few seconds was blinding pain and lots of blood. My iPad had fallen off the edge of the couch and landed- perfectly on its edge- on the nail of my left index finger. It sliced the nail completely in half horizontally, which was the source of the bleeding.
I couldn't get it to stop bleeding, but figured despite the horrible pain, it was just a falling iPad, and I probably wouldn't need to go to the doctor if I iced it and kept it elevated for the rest of the night. Thanks to some Percocet I had leftover from another injury, I was able to sleep for a few hours. When I woke up, it still hadn't stopped actively bleeding, so I went to an urgent care office.
Turns out the iPad, falling from a distance of no more than a foot, crushed my distal phalanx (the bone at the end of my finger) into multiple pieces and probably damaged the tendon that bends your finger. I have to see a hand surgeon on Tuesday.
To add insult to injury, my nail had to be pulled out and might not ever grow back because of the severe trauma to the nail bed and matrix. The doctor said it was the worst (though surprisingly not the only) iPad-related injury he'd ever seen.
Now I have a hideous, blood-filled hole in my finger where my nail used to be, my left hand is useless, and I don't even have a badass story to make up for it. The iPad has nary a scratch from the incident.
TL;DR: iPad 2s break fingers. Get an iPad Air.
Edit: Missed a word.
Edit 2: I took a couple pictures of the finger. It's day 4 now, and I can't move it from this semi-extended position. I think these are too tame to be called "gore," but probably NSFW because...blood. Here's the link: http://imgur.com/a/hhkDE
ninjastar09: Damn! Pics?
VeggieAstronomer: It's not pretty! Maybe I'll take pictures later. It's all bandaged up now and I haven't mastered taking the gauze off without some of the scabs ripping out too. Needless to say, it's not something I'm keen on doing more often than necessary.
ninjastar09: Oh okay :)
VeggieAstronomer: Took a couple pictures to satisfy your morbid curiosity :)
ninjastar09: Ew. Thanks! Lol
| 6 | 5.833333 | |
1400992108 | 1401017294 | t3_26fbhp | t5_2to41 | 25 | ninjastar09: TIFU by putting an unopened soda in a fire pit.
This happened about 6 years ago. At parties we would throw different things in the fire pit. One being unopened cans of soda because they explode. So I'm at this party and it's pretty boring so I ask two friends if I should put one in. They were indifferent, so I put one in and don't say anything. A few minutes later, said can shoots out of the pit upon explosion hitting an innocent friend. Needless to say, she had kind of gotten stuff on her and went in the house to wash off. Another friend demanded to know who did it. Me and my two friends stayed silent. They gave up but I think they knew it was me in the end. I felt horrible, but I had terrible social anxiety back then and couldn't face giving myself up.
HoochCow: Reminds me of last weekend. My friend whom we shall call Snake decided it would be a good idea to shake up a can of coors light, set it on a heavy metal grate suspended over two empty oil drums and take an oxy/acetylene torch to the bottom of it. Fortunately nothing went horribly wrong, the can's top blew 80% of the way off launching the can into the air and making a beer shower. But it could have ended badly.
ninjastar09: Wow! That's crazy!
HoochCow: Before that they tried it with a can of bush light, it just cut the bottom out. We concluded that Coors makes a better can than Bush
ninjastar09: Good to know :P
| 5 | 5 | |
1400995671 | 1401079422 | t3_26ff18 | t5_2to41 | 45 | IModOblivion: TIFU by donating blood the day before graduation
Long story short my dad took me to donate blood to the red cross Thursday. I found out the hard way Friday that donating blood makes me extremely sleepy as I had to be at graduation practice at 10 am. Guess who got up at nine? I'm usually up at five in the morning. So once I get there about half way through I had to have some poor girl go get a guidance counselor to get me some water and a snack. After I chugged it down I spent the next half a hour with my head between my knees with a massive kink in my neck.
Fast forward to graduation I wasn't allowed to bring a water bottle into a what turned into five hour event. So around seven pm after being there for two hours I start to feel thirsty and a little light headed. By eight pm I was woozy and more light headed. I needed water. So after they finished with S which is the first letter of my last name I got up and asked a teacher were I could get some water. As I'm walking out of the arena to go get a drink some other counselors tell me to go back to my seat and that it was almost over that I could get a drink later. I told them no I needed one now and as I get to the water fountain a principle says to the guy/girl next to him that he didn't want me walking down the stairs - thus across the stage at graduation anyway. I'm fumbling with the water trying to get it in my mouth and not all over my gown or fancy dress I was wearing under neath. Eventually I give up as a few teachers are yelling at me and I run back in the arena crying feeling extremely miserable and still very thirsty. After I got home my Aunt came over with a cheese cake sampler platter and we watched Lilo and Stich instead of going to the party they were hosting for the graduating class.
TL:DR
donated blood . Schools are ran by dicks who don't care about you.
Cheese cake is good.
I also have a non functioning thyroid and am currently adjusting dosage levels (again :( )
MyNameIsSkittles: What sort of asswipes don't let grads have water for 5 hours?
At least you got cheesecake :)
AllpowerfulGenie: I'm English and we don't have formal high school graduations here. Why do people bother going, they sound awful?
[deleted]: They are.
| 4 | 11.25 | |
1400997500 | 1401060210 | t3_26fgp5 | t5_2to41 | 8 | easily_manipulated: TIFU by allowing myself to get back together with a guy who hurt me months ago
This all started about five months ago. I've had a good friendship with someone who was pretty close to me for three years (we met in the summer before our senior year). I had a crush on him since forever, but he didn't reciprocate my feelings... that is, till last December. He was training for the Marines but was going to come back for winter break, and we agreed to go out on a date, which went great. Unfortunately, I started to suspect that he might not like me as much as I thought he did, because for the following weeks, he would bail out on two dates and make excuses for us not to hang out. This is where I started messing up.
Even though he made excuses not to go out on dates, I still decided to be patient with him because--after all--he was free to do whatever he wanted now that he was back home from the Marines. He even hung out with his ex-girlfriend (someone he used to have strong feelings for, even though she had cheated on him with multiple people); yet I was still patient. (Looking back to that day, I should have started suspecting something already. But, nope, I was dumb enough to give him a pass.)
Anyway, fast forward to when he goes back to the Marines. It's been a few months now. We're texting each other in one of his breaks as usual, and I don't remember exactly how this happened, but as we spoke, he admitted he still had a crush on that same ex-girlfriend that he had been hanging out with before he went back to the Marines. (And I almost forgot to mention that during winter break, he and I only went on one date, but he still had time to hang out with his ex multiple times.) I was shaken up, to say the least. I asked him how he felt about me and he said he liked me too. Well, as you could probably tell, I was a little agitated by this, and almost immediately our "relationship" started declining. Eventually he decided to "break it off" with me--which I found ridiculous, because we practically didn't have any kind of relationship--and almost immediately he was making plans to get back together with his ex. He told me all of this. Yet, he still flirted around with me and called me "adorable" and "sweet" and all this other stuff. I messed up again at this point by not letting him know how irritating his behavior was.
Fast forward again. We haven't spoken in awhile but we start talking again. He asks me out of curiosity if I still have feelings for him. By this point, my feelings for him were starting to decline, and I told him I was. (Another mess-up of mine.) He immediately starts flirting around with me and stuff, which got me confused. A few days later he tells me he broke up with his girlfriend (this is the same girlfriend he had broken up with a long time ago)--which annoyed me again, since he had been flirting with me again this entire time even while he had a girlfriend (although I dropped hints that I wasn't intending on flirting back). He asks me to "cheer him up" and starts flirting. Again. Despite all this (gosh, I'm cringing just writing this), I agreed to hang out with him in the weekend that he'd be back, but made it clear that it was *only going to be a friend hang-out* type of thing. He agreed.
Of course that's not what happened. We went to watch a movie and we acted as if we were on a date. I fell for his flirting and crap, and instantly regretted it after the "date" was over. We had even shared our first kiss but I honestly felt nothing. That's when I realized I didn't have feelings for him at all.
We both mutually decided to not go forward with a relationship. Either way, as relieved as I am that we're not doing anything anymore, I still feel like I should mentally kick myself for it. I mean, I've always promised myself I wouldn't fall for guys who easily manipulate girls and who mess around with girls' feelings. Yet I fell for it anyway.
And that's how I messed up, Reddit. I know this was a long post but I felt like venting. Thanks for reading (if you actually did haha).
Zonnbi: Honestly this could be way worse. No one was cheated on, you're not pregnant, not one is actively trying to kill you because of your actions. Chalk it up to a bad date if you will but I don't see this as a fuck up. If you had dated him before and he cheated on you then you started dating him again then that would be a fuck up.
easily_manipulated: Yeah that's true. I just hate knowing I allowed myself to get manipulated by him.
Zonnbi: Sorry that does suck, but you got out without a true horror story that will haunt you forever. This will just be a bump in the road to finding the right one and now you know to follow your gut instinct when it comes to losers.
| 4 | 2 | |
1401000944 | 1401001830 | t3_26fjll | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by being color blind
I was talking to a black guy today, and he asked me if I have ever met a black mormon. Intrigued by this seemingly random question I replied "wait, are you black?" Obviously not what I meant, but sometimes I get nervous.
Jahuteskye: What kind of color blindness makes you unable to see shades and light VS dark?
read_it_er: The fake kind.
| 3 | 7 | |
1400998566 | 1401081303 | t3_26fhl7 | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting arrested the day after I turned 18!
This actually happened a month ago but I just found this subreddit so I thought I would share.Before this arrest, I had been really depressed because of my parents' divorce and wouldn't go to school for a month even though a year ago I was doing great in school. Anyway, the day after I turned 18, I decided to hang out with two fuck-ups who had gotten into legal trouble before for drinking and just didn't give a fuck. I had known them since 6th grade and that's why I didn't turn them down when they asked to hang out for my birthday.
I knew they wanted to drink and I wasn't really down because I'm not much of a drinker and it was the middle of the day. We go to this liquor store where the clerk knows us and they bought the liquor while I stood back. We go up this mountain road with my car and they get pretty shitfaced while I barely drank. After we want to get down, the car wouldn't start. We pushed it a little bit and since it was downhill, we made to the bottom where the other guy's car was parked.
At this point, they want to give me a ride home. I should have said no, my mom could have picked me up in an hour. One of the fucks decides to take a piss right there in the middle of the street and someone starts yelling at him. We get into the car and drive off and get pulled over 5 minutes later.
They're extremely shitfaced and the cop notices right away. He says someone reported one of us pissing in the street. He pulls the driver out and searches the backpack in the back of the truck. He finds the liquor and breathalyzes all of us. I could have driven the car since my BAC was .016. The driver was .16. They say they could let me go but guess what they found in my FUCKING wallet. My uncle's ID. Now I barely used that shit to get into clubs with my cousin. I bought liquor with it maybe twice. I had totally forgotten it was still in my wallet.
They take us back to the station and interrogate them in another room. I thought they would just say the truth but they were in the back of the same car and while I was being put in another car, they came up with the same story: I bought the liquor with my uncle's ID in a different liquor store than the one we went to. You can guess when I told them the real story, the cop wouldn't believe me.
Long story short, they slapped me with a misdemeanor for liquor delinquency for minors and felony for stealing my uncle's ID. They were both minors so they let them go with their parents while I had to be bailed out by my parents.
So far, my parents have had to shell out about $6000 that they could not afford. Now I think about suicide for hours but I know I won't do it because it will destroy my family. I have to live with my fuck up. I had the grades to go to grad school and now if this doesn't get expunged from my record, I won't be able to work at Walmart! Reddit, don't hang out with fuck-ups!
jazzy570: why don't you find a way to get the video surveillance from the liquor store that would clearly prove you didn't purchase the alcohol
justwannagiveupvotes: Lol just said the exact same thing.
jazzy570: I feel like that should've been his logic, fuck taking the blame if he can actually get out of it
justwannagiveupvotes: Yeah I actually find it a little bit strange that this wasn't his first reaction. It's a bit naive.
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1401005299 | 1401038763 | t3_26fmm8 | t5_2to41 | 12 | _BLAD3_: TIFU by giving my laptop to my dad
before the actual fuck up, might as well give you the prelude of the fuck up.
usual after finals vacation afternoon, just out of bed, drowsy after a long night of movie marathons, and groggy as fuck.
now for the fuck up.
I was downloading some porn on bittorrent and browsing for some more on a torrent website (bored college goers can relate) and my dad walks in the room, so like the most of us, I crtl-w'ed quickly enough to put a ninja to shame, just leaving my facebook tab open, so my dad casually picks up the laptop and starts going through my feed, thinking that the worst is over (bittorrent was closed so yeah) I playfully tell my dad that browsing others facebook feeds is not good, take the laptop from and close it, just leaving an open folder on the desktop and handing it back to him, as I was about to proceed out of the room, at the corner of my eye, I see my dad blankly staring at the screen and a folder named 'applications' (now if you ever get your hands on my laptop, you know where the porn is) was open. as panicky as I was, I coolly walk back and press alt-f4 while making the best ever poker face imaginable and just sit there, I'm not sure if my dad noticed anything (highly unlikely) but he didn't make any statements hinting towards 'son, we need to have that talk' etc. and went on to ramble about my college grades and performance and asked me if i was running windows 8... not quite sure if that's his way of being subtle.
TL;DR - accidentally gave my laptop to my dad with my porn folder open on screen in all its voluptuous glory.
Jaune_Arc: Not like he caught you with your dick in hand. Not that it's happened to me. Nope, none of you have picture evidence. Nobody. Not at all.
bailey1399: I do. Next time close your curtains.
_BLAD3_: you what...?! ⊙▂⊙
| 4 | 3 | |
1401007984 | 1401014203 | t3_26fo9t | t5_2to41 | 7 | notkarmawhore17: TIFU by calling the police on my abusive father
Thenightbatties: I'm in a situation similar to you but thankfully without the physical abuse.
Maybe you could reach out to your school for resources.I know where I live in Canada there are teen shelters or programs for emancipation with government subsidies for rent and school.Maybe you should look into it.
Your father abusing you would probably be grounds enough for emancipation if you're working and doing well in school.
I don't know what Australia's social services are like though.I hope this helps.
notkarmawhore17: > I'm in a situation similar to you but thankfully without the physical abuse. Maybe you could reach out to your school for resources.I know where I live in Canada there are teen shelters or programs for emancipation with government subsidies for rent and school.Maybe you should look into it. Your father abusing you would probably be grounds enough for emancipation if you're working and doing well in school
thanks your your insight but I've already made my decison, sure I was a good student, but a year long battle with depression + an ultimatum is the last straw. The only reason he didn't let go is because he doesn't think I'm capable of doing this (killing myself), but It's not to prove him wrong as much as to end my life.
I've already done everything I can to make sure I can bitch out, and I'm going to shop for the necessary supplies tomorrow on monday, asking someone for money.
Thenightbatties: I meant if you're a good student you may be eligible for financial government assistance to move out and become an adult in the eyes of the law. You can leave and try a fresh start without someone else dictating everything you do. I've suffered from depression for years.leaving toxic people behined is the best you can do for yourself.
Why are you letting your asshole father make you do something so drastic. Why not leave and see if your life improves.Ive been there,I've been close to ending my life,I know it seems like the best alternative but it just isn't. Please don't end your life. I've had depression and my boyfriend had severe depression both partially due to our home circumstances. It can eventually end with out you having to die.It can get better.
notkarmawhore17: That's what I thought, but it's not the case; everyone thinks my problems are trivial- and some even openly mock them. But I'm setting my alarm clock to 3am now, when I wake up while everyone is sleeping, I should be able to tie a noose on the cables with ease; hopefully it can sustain my weight or else it will probably break the PowerPoint and I will fail.
Sorry If this sounds too sad but that's life sometimes.
Thenightbatties: I don't think your problems are trivial,i know thats its hard being told your feelings aren't bad enough or your problems are not severe enough.
Other teenagers laughing at your problems is sadly common place but if an adult put in charge of you does that they obviously shouldn't be trusted in the first place. Can you call a suicide hotline for me? I care about you because I've been almost exactly where you are standing. Someone helped me and I'm trying to help you,please let me.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1400999599 | 1401068173 | t3_26fik1 | t5_2to41 | 12 | TheAtomicRapist: TIFU by Four Lokos on a Tuesday
I woke up in a hospital at 3:30 A.M. a day or two before Halloween last year. I had been in this exact same room a month earlier, but it was different this time. There was blood and indentions on the walls, my hair was covered in a peachy Texas aftershave, and my knuckles were skinned. I stood up and was still pretty intoxicated, my mom who I had not seen in a period of months was sitting in a chair beside me. "What the fuck happened?" I said calmly. I looked in the hall and there were guards standing at the door.
I have Asperger's and I was not taking my situation at the time particularly well (Being practically homeless and abandoned by my borderline mom.) I took up a habit of going to the local Circle K every night and stealing a couple watermelon Four Lokos and a pack of chile limon Doritos, I slid the Four Lokos down my pants leg and walked out with the Doritos.
I had met a girl at a psychiatric inpatient hospital a couple months prior, and it was love at first site. I had called and scheduled a date at the park. I had been I was so excited, but that excitement was killed when I remembered "Fuck I'm awkward." When in doubt I don't have any other way to get through my troubles than to act like what I perceive as a badass. So when I got to the park where she and her friends were were staying, I offered to get them all drinks, and they all were in.
I had walked in the gas station with the group and they all distracted the cashier by asking a question about the ATM. I was already buzzed from drinking a Four Loko an hour prior. I stuffed four peach flavored Four Lokos down my pants leg, and stumbled out. We walked over to a Mcdonald's to regroup, I delivered the alcohol, and we talked for a little bit. The girls didn't finished theirs so I said I'd drink them, the last thing I remembered was crossing the street from Mcdonald's heading back towards the park, and a ringing whisper exclaiming "He's stumblin'! He's stumblin'!"
It took me a couple months to figure out what had happened during my black out, what I had found out was pretty overwhelming. It turns out that I had been picked up by my extremely southern step grandmother, I was vomiting everywhere. She had called 911 because I was not responding and aspirating. My mom had happened to be getting a ride by and saw all the commotion at the house. I was out cold when a paramedic slapped my face to stir me. I was sitting in a baby recliner during this, thus adding even more life points. I had all my things stolen by my mom when she left me, so I was not pleased with her. I had awoken to seeing my mother at the front door, when I saw her I had thrown the paramedic clear off of me and tried to attack my mom when I saw her. I yelled "Where's my guitar, you fucking bitch?!" repeatedly attacking the paramedics and cops alike, trying to get to her. I got tazed, but I wasn't phased by it, I was still running about the front yard, then I fell to me knees while tazed and yelled "I just want to die." This saved me from getting any charges pressed, because I'd go on to a psychiatric inpatient a fourth time. I even yelled at a cop that I had stole the alcohol. I was fucking He-Man during this adventure, there was a total of 11 guards accompanying me in my room me throughout the night in the hospital. I had put some dents in the sheet metal walls, and it took a taser and a total of 9 police to get me strapped to a gurney. I woke to a placid state laughing at the thought that I had just time traveled.
My BAC was .34
I saw the girl a month later, but I moved away and turned my life back around.
**TL;DR** Do not chug 4 Four Lokos on a Tuesday, or any given day.
[deleted]: Dude. I drank 3 jooses on a random Tuesday once like 5 years ago. Blacked out and nearly got alcohol poisoning.
Your hangover must've been brutal.
TheAtomicRapist: Surprisingly not, I don't get hangovers.
[deleted]: I am envious. I'm such a lightweight. Glad you got things straightened out for the better tho.
| 4 | 3 | |
1401010625 | 1401123888 | t3_26fpvb | t5_2to41 | 71 | MyGrammarAreGood: TIFU by trying to wipe with baby wipes and using the wrong thing on accident. (NSFW)
Around 3 in the morning me and my lady are getting frisky and by the end of sexy times I am exhausted and want to go to bed. In order to feel cleaner so I can lay down and go to sleep I go to the sink, grab some wipes and clean off my dick and balls (it was dark and we were sloppy so I got thorough). After I finished wiping up I started feeling a small tingling then I noticed that I didn't grab baby wipes. Instead I grabbed fucking Clorox Wipes and scrubbed the most sensitive parts of me with it. And that's when the burning started. My GOD did it burn. Felt like a total idiot for even having those two objects near eachother, it was so awful... TLDR; I accidentilly clorox w/bleach-ed my junk and it was so firey and intense that I danced around wildly and wanted to cry.
obliterayte: The feels op... I once used icy hot as lube because I thought it would feel good. The icy part actually did but the hot burned like the fire of a thousand suns. I was young and stupid.
[deleted]: But.. Worth it for the icy feeling?
obliterayte: No. Not even a little bit. I did finish before the icy was finished. This is probably why the hot sucked so bad. Flaccid dick with icy hot in all the creases. No amount of showering or scrubbing could wipe off the Satan cream.
upads: Thanks for the idea, hee hee
obliterayte: Hey man to each his own. I have no regrets because it makes for a funny story, but you will regret it during the 20 minutes of sheer agony.
upads: I'm not the person with a penis anyways, ha!
Don't worry, I and my boyfriend pull these kind of shit on each other all the time. It's our form of prank war. We're both pretty pain tolerant.
obliterayte: Haha yes it would make a great prank. It is pretty harmless while causing an abnormal amount of pain. Perfect.
upads: After reading about the infertile part I am withdrawing my decision. I wanted revenge for him wiping chilli oil on my bra but I also want a child in the future.
obliterayte: I didn't know about that. Wow I hope I'm not infertile. My wife already had a son when we met and she has the mirena birth control. I have no idea if my gun is loaded and I'm kind of freaked out now.
upads: I might not know better than you, but the #1 rule is safety first. (which we miserably failed recently)
| 11 | 6.454545 | |
1401012016 | 1401020256 | t3_26fqr5 | t5_2to41 | 15 | massivepudding: Reddit TIFU by walking in on my cousin having sex
LittleTinyMoustache: Join in, claim you were tricked by craigslist and post it on reddit?
xSpud7x: Read a few TIFU tonight?
| 3 | 5 | |
1401014128 | 1401120544 | t3_26fs03 | t5_2to41 | 22 | cutducks: TIFU by scratching my bfs penis
It's finals and my bf was in the library studying for his exams. He's taking a bunch of math and stats classes. I was just in my apartment near campus. I decide to text him and of course we start sexting.
We're both horny and can't wait so we decide to meet on campus and find somewhere secluded to fuck so he can get back to studying. It's around midnight so the campus is relatively deserted. I begin to make a beeline to him and once I see him we start kissing and fondling each other as we look for a secluded spot on campus. We find a good spot on a bench in a"forested" area between 2 buildings and start going at it. Like the good boy that he is he starts going down on me.
Fast forward a bit and his tongue makes me cum. Now I start giving him a handjob. One of my finger nails hits the top of his dick. I guess he doesn't really notice it so we keep going. Well a few seconds later we both see some blood on his dick. At first he assumes its somehow my period blood so I should just keep going until he finishes and we can call it a night. Closer inspection reveals that I'm not on my period and the source is clearly the tip of his penis. This just kills his mood as he mumbles something nonsensical and says we should stop so he can get back to studying. He's pretty quiet as we put our clothes back on and I'm apologizing. He just says "at least you got yours" and then makes his way back to the library and I got to walk back to my apartment all alone and feel horrible for cutting him there.
tl;dr boyfriend horny, make penis bleed, boyfriend not horny
DrJamesWestphal: First of all, he goes down on you and you give him a worthless ass handjob in return and cut his dick?? Does anyone besides middle schoolers give handjobs? Why wouldn't you be decent and return the favor by blowing him? You are terrible.
Tesabella: Maybe he likes handjobs. Everyone has their preferences.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1401014309 | 1401094857 | t3_26fs3o | t5_2to41 | 54 | FrigginGiantRobot: TIFU by becoming obsessed over a girl
This TIFU happened a week ago.
We had a common project at the academy and I fell in love with her.
Usually I don't fall in love with people, since I am very selective, but
she happens to be the most wonderful person I have ever met.
As fate likes to play cruel tricks on me, she happened to fall in love as well, but with another guy.
So, I misinterpret her signs as her liking me also, so I proceeded to tell her my feelings by
writing a song about her and performing it at a public concert at our academy.
Needless to say, she was mortified.
We talked after the performance and she broke my heart.
Now she thinks I am a creep who will soon kill her and the worst part is that
now I found out that we will soon be distantly related since
my uncle will be marrying her aunt and we will have to meet each other at their wedding...
This has got to be the biggest clusterfuck I have ever gotten myself into.
gnidoc: NEVER confess your feelings for a girl in any grandiose way. Your life is not the theater. By doing this you just open yourself to ridicule and hatred.
I would not go to the wedding. I would call and apologize for not having time, send them a card. Problem solved.
FrigginGiantRobot: Actually, my life is the theater... im an opera singer, so is she.
So... being grandiose is part of the job description. :D
esearcher: I don't think being grandiose in your private life is part of the job description. Your life isn't the theater. The theater is a part of your life.
FrigginGiantRobot: In soviet russia, you dont do the theater, the theater does you.
freads: Well, fuck you. You deserve it. Creep.
[deleted]: Wait, I'm confused. Did he change his comment?
| 7 | 7.714286 | |
1401019324 | 1401042433 | t3_26fvi6 | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to work with a UTI
So I work at Target. I discovered today that I may have a UTI. I was just trying to get through my 4 hour shift until I could deal with it. And work actually went okay, but as I was clocking out, typing in the numbers, out of nowhere I felt a strong tingle in my cooch. A tingle so powerful that there was no possible way I would make it to the bathroom. And then...it releases. I let out a loud squeal and sure enough my pants are soiled with a large wet spot. I didn't know what to do, so I just stood there in shock. "OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!!!" To make this moment worse, a random coworker whose name I don't even know was standing there less than 20 feet away from me. He walks up to me as I am freaking out, just staring at me in my misery. "I... just pissed my pants. This is awkward" and so am I. He gave me a blank look and just walked away without a word. HELP!!! Luckily, the nicest coworker in the world saved me by buying me a pair of sweatpants to put on so I could walk out the store and all the way home without embarrassing myself any more than I already did. He deserves a BJ for that. The end
Arondy: You have a cool coworker,be sure to thank him.
thatlazydude: Definitely *reward* that guy.
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1401014894 | 1401022186 | t3_26fsgg | t5_2to41 | 42 | CharlesOrchard: TIFU by lying to a receptionist and accidentally throwing him into a swimming pool
Ok so today me and my friend went to the local sports centre to play some football. We usually go there maybe a couple of times a week. The only problem is though is that we're not actually members, but it's really easy to sneak in and we've only been kicked out a couple of times.
So we walk through reception today and for the first time in a few months we actually get stopped and asked for membership cards. What I usually do at this point is lie and claim that we're only here to pump up our ball, which is a service available to everyone (even non members). Normally the receptionist believes us and we walk in and play football, not even going near the pump, and continue our happy lives. This time however, the receptionist grumpily and sternly says "fine, I'll walk you there." Alarmed by this unusual occurrence, my friend and I go along with it as if we were actually there to use the pump.
About a minute later the receptionist, who by the way was an old and angry looking man, had led us to the pump (which for some reason is located right next to the outdoor swimming pool) and stood there expectantly for us to use it. I hesitated before using it, but I realised that the sooner I'd finished pumping it the sooner we could leave. I insert the pump into the ball and start pumping. However, we weren't here to use the pump and my ball didn't need pumping...
About 4 or 5 pumps later however, my ball suddenly explodes. If you have never heard a football explode before it is legit as loud as a gunshot. Not only did I probably give everyone over the age of 60 a heart attack, but the strict receptionist fell backwards into the swimming pool and fell on top of a group of children. I watched in horror as everyone sitting by the pool looked at me and my friend. The next few minutes were painfully awkward and went very, very slowly.
Half an hour later my friend and I found ourselves being questioned and lectured by senior members of the sports centre. Apparently they knew we had illegally been using the club for months and they were also incredibly annoyed about the explosion and the receptionist falling into the pool. They said that of we were ever to return to the club that they would call the police. Looks like we have to find a new sports centre to vandalise.
[deleted]: Why would they let it happen for months? Did they explain or give any reasons to that?
CharlesOrchard: apparently they'd just ignored it. not too sure of they were telling the truth or not.
[deleted]: Edit: wrong threat reply haha.
That's awfully nice of them!
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1401017658 | 1401036458 | t3_26fubh | t5_2to41 | 14 | speedythrowaway123: TIFU by going to fast in my car
Top edit: fuck I messed up the title, meant to be a too
I finished work late last night at around 11:30 and was driving home in my car. Because it was 11:30 at night and the roads were empty I decided to put my foot down and ended up doing double the speed limit in an area, which is a perfectly straight road wasn't being dangerous e.g. too fast round corners, etc.
I see some more headlights in my mirror behind me and they are catching up pretty speedy and then they proceed to ride my ass for the next about 2 miles on a fast stretch of road. My chain of thought was that this was some asshole wanting to go 100 mph through this part and so I drove as I usually do in this area. It's a 60 and I was going around 65 but then a car in front was doing around 30 in the 60 and to avoid them I indicated and went around them still going around 65-70 mph.
That is when the police lights behind me flash up and I shat myself. Pulled over in a nearby street and shut my engine off. Spoke to the 2 officers who asked how fast I was going and I admitted I was speeding by going double the limit in the previous area. We talk about why I was speeding and I explain where I worked and that it's empty roads so I tend to put my foot down a bit too much.
The officers were super friendly and explained that if they catch me properly doing double the speed limit it is a 1 year driving ban, that made me poop my pants some more at the thought. I was super lucky as I got off with only a warning to slow down but it genuinely shat me up a little when I got home and really thought about it.
A 1 year driving ban would royally fuck me over and I am so happy that the officers were nice and gave me a warning only.
TL:DR Drove 60 in a 30 with a police car right behind me, pants were shat
Darc1999: It sounds like you do this often. There's a simple solution to this, don't speed, it isn't hard...
Monsieur_Mangetout: Agreed. At the end of the day, the speed limit is the law whether you agree with it or not. Willingly breaking it is irresponsible and idiotic.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1401025427 | 1401126539 | t3_26g0hm | t5_2to41 | 166 | Lansydyr: TIFU by spending over $2500 at a strip club (NSFW)
I spend the $2500 on Wednesday night, but that wasn't my only fuck up. That was just the culmination, the capstone of a two-week long progressively worse fuck up.
After I left the active army, my wife and I moved to a different state, following her parents because they were better situated to help take care of my child while I found a job and my wife worked. Turns out, 14 years of the infantry doesn't really mean anything in the civilian job market, especially considering I screwed around and didn't get any college whatsoever while I was in the military. Fortunately, I joined the reserves and got separation pay, which helped keep my family's head above water.
These past two weeks I was doing my annual training, in yet another state, so I was away from my wife for the first time since I came back from Afghanistan (last August). And my habits started reverting to how I acted when I was single in the Army. I was going out with other soldiers almost every night, drinking more frequently. I was ignoring my wife, never texting her, calling her infrequently, all that crap.
Then on Wednesday night, I [sneaked](http://www.writersdigest.com/online-editor/snuck-vs-sneaked "yeah, I looked that up because I'm a grammar nazi") away from everyone to a strip club about an hour away. This is where I lost control. I brought 100 bucks to have a few beers, a dance or two maybe, and then leave, not staying for more than an hour or two.
I don't know why I didn't leave once that money was gone. If I had left, everything would **appear** fine. Notice that emphasis. Like a junkie of some sort, I was convinced that I was putting up a perfect illusion of normality. But my wife was feeling ignored and taken for granted for a lot longer than this two week trip. It was little things, like the fact that I hadn't bought her flowers since Valentine's Day, and then only because I had to. And like I already said, how little I contacted her during these two weeks. That sort of thing was hidden when I was at home because at least I was there, not needing to text or call.
When I say that I acted like a junkie, I mean it. I would blame her, or make excuses. "Oh, she worries about money, so I don't want to waste money on flowers. I don't want her to worry." or, "I don't want to bother her with a text or call at work, just in case she gets fired because of it." None of it was my fault, I told myself.
At least, not until Wednesday night. After my initial hundred bucks ran out, I called my wife, lied to her saying that I was a strip club with some of the soldiers and one of them spent too much money, and could I pull out $100 to help him out? She was understandably pissed that I hadn't told her, but gave me permission, which my junkie brain took to mean that everything was alright.
And then I lost control of myself. At any point of this night, I could have stood up and walked out of that club. Instead, I let them talk me into the champagne room (which, by the way, thank God that Chris Rock is right, or I would have actually cheated on my wife). First it was about 900 dollars for that first hour, buying the champagne, tipping the girl, bringing in a second girl (which was another charge for another 100 dollars). After that hour was over, I still hadn't fucked up enough and bought a second hour. That cost about 1400 dollars. After that hour was over, I somehow come to my senses, and almost run out of the club.
Not that it mattered, my wife, who had stayed up worrying about me, suddenly saw not a $100 charge, but four charges for over $2200 come out all at once, and that was only because the system hadn't added the tips that I wrote in on the charges. She calls me, and I panic, making up a bullshit story that I must have been scammed and the club stole the money. You know what? She believed me. Yes, she was angry that I went to a strip club in the first place, but she still didn't think I was the type of guy to drop over two thousand dollars in a strip club. I could have gotten away with it (because there were no pesky kids or a dog to pull off my mask).
One of the final scenes in "Flight" has Denzel Washington [spoiler](/s "finally admit that he was drunk when flying the plane, and even drunk at the hearing."). As he said, "That was it. I was finished. It was as if I had reached my lifelong limit of lies. I could not tell one more lie. If I had told one more lie, I could have walked away from that mess."
That was how I felt all Thursday, too ashamed to call my wife. I knew then that I was going to confess everything to her, but I couldn't do it over the phone. I drove home Friday, having to deal with Memorial Day weekend traffic, which seemed determined to delay the inevitable. The first question she asked when I finally told her everything was did she do anything to me to deserve this. Of course she didn't because even when we were more newly married, and I was still in the active Army, I visited a strip club when I was once again training somewhere else. I pulled money out, and about 5 seconds on Google led her to realize that it was from a strip club. I played dumb then, saying I was at an ATM in a shopping center and had no clue why it was showing up as a strip club. She believed me then, and I confessed that to her on Friday.
I've deleted all the porn that I had on my computer and my portable hard drive. I removed all the bookmarks on my browser, and deleted the tumblr I used to look at porn. I uninstalled bittorrent, and I want to put a monitor/blocker on my computer under my wife's control, at least until I can get some control over myself again.
My wife is already dealing with me better than I expected, or deserve. Instead of kicking me out of our apartment, she went to her parents' house, so I would have a place to sleep other than the backseat of my car. I'm sleeping on the couch right now because I don't feel that I deserve the bed. She's letting me see my daughter, who at only 3 years old is too young to understand why daddy isn't around even though he's back home. She's even letting me eat with the family regularly, so I can spend more time with my daughter. But it's obvious that she can barely stand to be in the same room as me right now, and I can't blame her.
She's said that I need counseling, and that we both need marriage counseling. As soon as this holiday weekend is over, I'm going to the Vet Center where I've gone before. I've been going to the OIF/OEF group that's supposed to help vets transition to normal life after leaving the military, but I'm going to need more. I don't think I was using hyperbole when I described myself as a junkie. I feel like a bigger shitbag than any I've met in the Army, and I've met some big ones.
I don't know how I'm going to build her trust in me again. I do know that it will never be as strong as it was. It's not going to help that I have to leave one weekend every month, and soon I'll have to leave for more than a few weeks for the job school of my new job. I honestly don't know how I'm going to fix this, or even if I can ultimately fix it. I'm going to try though. I never want to see her hurt as bad as I did these last few days.
schooner156: >*movie spoilers for Flight*
Dude, spoilers.
This is also why you only bring cash to a strip club, never cards.
I-made-an-account-to: Are you fucking kidding me? Did you really just give a junkie advice on how to get away with his addiction more easily?
schooner156: Yeah, because he never had access to an ATM prior, and his wife wouldn't notice those $2k withdrawals.
I-made-an-account-to: Okay I misunderstood. TIFU
| 5 | 33.2 | |
1401027979 | 1401065944 | t3_26g30h | t5_2to41 | 6,221 | throwawayrmcum: TIFU by getting pissed on by my roommate while masturbating...
Throwaway because my other roommate knows my reddit account.
Let me start off by saying I'm a dude living with two other dudes. They're really cool and outgoing, but i'm kind of on the shy side. Likewise, I'm a very shy masturbator and even kind of prudish. I only masturbate in the bathroom (we only have one in our 3-br apartment), in the dark and at hours when everyone is asleep.
So, it was ~3am last night and I was browsing gonewildplus on my phone. I removed my pants and went to town. It's important to note that I sleep without a shirt, so by removing my pants, I was left in my birthday suit. I just like the freedom of being nude. There are no windows in our bathroom, so the only light source at the time was my phone.
I was on the verge of cumming when my phone screen shut off. Being that I was too into the moment, I didn't have time/motivation to pause and unlock my phone to get the imgur album back. Just 20 seconds before I came, my roommate walked in to take a leak. Keep in mind it was completely dark in the room. We've all lived there for so long that we have adapted to feeling the rug in front of our toilet by walking on it to navigate our way through. Being that it is directly in front of the door and my legs were wide apart, my roommate was able to walk right in front of it didn't notice I was there. I was caught like a deer in the headlights; I just couldn't move or say anything.
Then, the worst fucking thing that could ever happen at that moment: just as my roommate began urinating on me, I came. So here I am, holding my dong pumping cum like a frosting dispenser, while my roommate pees on me. Noticing there was a lack of peeing noise, he yells "the fuck is that" only to turn on the lights to reveal his naked, piss-soaked roommate. He just stared at me for five agonizing seconds, zipped up and left.
It's 10:30AM and I haven't slept and still haven't come out of my room. My roommate probably thinks I got off to him pissing on me. I don't know what my roommate has done or where he is but I fear the worst. I have to move. I can't stay here. I don't know what to do.
Edit: yes we have a lock, but it sticks. I never use it because I'm afraid of being locked in.
Edit 2: I went to the kitchen to get some food. My non-pissing roommate, sitting on the couch, looked at me briefly and looked away without saying anything. He knows. I'm eating in my room. Fuck.
invalid_token: Holy hell, that was tough to read. I have no advice.
fdjsakl: * shy masturbator
* masturbates in shared bathroom instead of private bedroom
I have no words
edit - except you have to move now
SirBeefmagic: Shy masturbator -- loves to masturbate fully nude.
peeniewiener: Isn't everyone a shy masturbator? I don't think i'd ever want to meet an outgoing masturbator.
rarely-sarcastic: My good friend is very open about it. He lives with his mom and when she knocks on his door he will tell her he's masturbating right now.
Dude made us pull over for 20 minutes during our road trip so he could do some whacking. He masturbates while driving sometimes.
He works in a very popular sandwich shop so yeah. Not sure if I can say the name here but it's in Chicago.
Hawkeye1113: Man... Now you gotta tell me so I know never to eat there.
rarely-sarcastic: I'm not sure I legally can.
Hawkeye1113: You can legally hint at where it possibly is. I don't want to eat a sandwich made by spermy hands, mate.
Creepermoss: Then avoid most fast food joints, and anything staffed by male teenagers. The reality is, if you eat fast food, odds are that you've downed a few jizz/spit/piss-laden burgers already.
Oooch: I usually have to pay extra to get that stuff, I'll make sure to go more often!
| 11 | 565.545455 | |
1401029385 | 1401092738 | t3_26g4kk | t5_2to41 | 336 | [deleted]: TIFU by pranking my sister.
mentalpunching: Saying that your sister is the one with the IQ of a mushroom, and then admitting to having done all that. Wow.
lobsterbat: Yeah, and how dare she not want to go out with they guy again. I mean what a bitch, right? ><
IndignantChubbs: I don't think you understand the story...
lobsterbat: Oh no, I completely do. But as an aside, one of the points made was that his sister is some sort of bitch for not liking a guy she went on a date with and not wanting to go out with him again. Fuck her, right?
IndignantChubbs: Well no, I think the fuck her comes from her saying "Ew" to what she thought at that point was the guy politely asking her out again. And calling him a freak. Fuck her for that.
lobsterbat: Not particularly. The "hey, I had an amazing time today! Will you be my girlfriend?" after one mediocre to bad date definitely warrants a shoot-down reply. That's fucking creepy. And they're teenagers, so yeah, not paragons of maturity.
| 7 | 48 | |
1401029809 | 1401087972 | t3_26g51o | t5_2to41 | 26 | racer8: TIFU by telling my Mom about an expensive gift I bought for my mother-in-law for her birthday, but didn't get anything for my own mother for her birthday.
Today I spoke with my mom about how she wanted to buy my mother-in-law a gift for her birthday. I mentioned to her that I already bought her an expensive purse, and immediately remembered how I forgot to purchase a gift for my mother 2 months prior. I could see the disappointed look on her face immediately when I said it. What can I do? Any ideas?
FlashoftheBlade6661: ...remember it next time. Take her out for a spa day and lunch, oh and.... Mark it on your phone calendar for next year.
lobsterbat: Yep. Get familiar with Google Calendar. I use it for everything, and it syncs with every mobile and computer device.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1401025054 | 1401032257 | t3_26g05l | t5_2to41 | 16 | trampabroad: TIFU by obliterating my card's security code.
Title pretty much says it all.
I used to use my card for just about everything. Since I like not having my card get stolen,(which had already happened once) I started the habit of memorizing my security code, and then scratching it off with a knife. That way I knew that even if someone stole/found my card they couldn't use it to buy dildos and fake viagra online--they'd have to use it at ATMs and shopping malls, which is much less secure for the average thief. I don't even know if this is actually a practical deterrent against theft, just made me feel better.
Cut forward to six months of living in China. I barely ever use my American card anymore, since I use my Chinese bank card. Which means I slowly un-memorized the security code. But now I have to buy a flight with the American card(since it's got all the moneys) and I'm stuck wondering....
Was my security code 123? Or maybe was it 321?
I am not a smart man.
pamplemus: can't you call your bank?
trampabroad: As a last resort, of course. This isn't one of those life-exploding TIFUs, just me feeling faintly like an idiot.
pamplemus: haha alright.
| 4 | 4 | |
1401031565 | 1401124289 | t3_26g77j | t5_2to41 | 56 | [deleted]: TIFU By pretending to be Al-Qaeda in front of a Muslim refugee
This happened about two months ago while I was at MCT in the marine corps. We were training with hand grenades so they had us lined up with several practice grenades in our flak's grenade pouches. Joking with my buddy in front of me I said "Allahu Akhbar" and pretended to pull the pins of the grenades (I know. Stupid). Well my buddy was laughing his ass off when he got quiet and his face turned red. Right behind me was a Muslim marine with an angry look.
Now this wouldn't be as bad, but it just so happens that this particular Muslim was from Baghdad during Iraqi freedom. He went to the United States to join the marine corps after countless threats from Al-Qaeda because his sister was a translator working with the marines, and they also killed several of his uncles.
[deleted]: It means "God is greater" if you didn't know, and its not always used for Jihad, which is a war/struggle against non-believers. Only extremist Muslims go to such extents as car bombs, etc. Most Most Muslim activists want a world that follows Sharia law, but they realize that enacting Sharia law completely would be impossible, so they are ok with modern aspects of society.
I_want_hard_work: So you get downvoted for informing people...? I don't get it. Google says you're correct.
[deleted]: I think a lot of it is irrelevant information.
LyndsySimon: No, it's not.
I hate to be pedantic^✝ but it absolutely is relevant. Obviously, the OP was making fun of extremists, AQ-esque Jihadis. The words he used to do it have a very particular meaning in Islam though, and are often used outside the etxtremist groups he was mocking. In fact, I believe it would qualify as apostasy.
It would be roughly equivalent to mocking the Westboro Baptist Church by opening a Bible and pretending to read verses commanding followers to mock soldiers, and claiming it to be the Word of God.
Now, that said, don't feel too bad OP. You fucked up, and you undoubtably offended the guy. That relationship might not ever be restored. If I were you, I'd apologize to the guy, *privately*, and make it clear that while you don't share his faith that you respect his beliefs and will do everything you can in the future to avoid denigrating them.
Finally, what OP said isn't much different than the guys that run around with كافر (*Infidel*) on the side of their rifles or on the back of their car. They're making a statement against Islam, but the words they are using mean something else - literally, "one without faith". They are claiming to be atheists, probably without ever realizing it.
^✝ *Who am I kidding? I love to be pedantic. It's a favorite hobby of mine.*
| 5 | 11.2 | |
1401027176 | 1401117874 | t3_26g25h | t5_2to41 | 77 | iarron: TIFU by telling my friend a story at the wrong time. (NSFW)
This actually happened yesterday but so did most of these posts, actually the original fuck up happened about 14 years ago but whatever, here it goes.
Here is what happened several years ago: I was 9 years old and my mum had a really good friend who lived on the opposite side of the street. She had a daughter that is about a year younger than me and would regularly come to my house to play LEGO and watch cartoons. As you all will know, 9 is around the age you kinda question sex and the like because of playground talk, etcetera. So, this girl and I were up to the usual in my bedroom; LEGO and cartoons, Tom and Jerry to be specific. I bring up something I heard in the playground about sex, she says something about you have to be naked and I disagree. I don't remember the rest of the conversation but before I know it she is completely naked and stood in front of me while I was sat on the floor fully clothed playing with my LEGO. Anyway, my mum comes into my room without knocking, for the last time ever. I have a pretty cool mum, she never tells me off and allows me to make my own mistakes and learn from them. Immediately understanding that there was nothing devious going on she gets the girl dressed quickly, as the reason she came into my room was to the girl's mother wanted her to go home for dinner. Nobody has ever mentioned this again and we have since all moved house several times but my mum and her friend stay in touch regularly and I've seen her every now and again so it hasn't ruined anything, yet.
Here is what happened yesterday: Me and my friend are on a shopping trip for alcohol for this gathering and bump into her. She has a boyfriend and a kid now and we had a good 10 minute chat. Anyway, she wants to stay in touch and invites me to her house for drinks and gives her number. We go our separate ways in the supermarket to go shopping and I precede to tell my friend the story of when we were kids. Anyway, my friend isn't the most aware of his surroundings and his voice is louder than he thinks it is. We come to the end of the aisle as I finish telling the story and he bursts out laughing then blurts out: "So you had that girl we just met naked in your room at 9 years old?!" At the exact time, you guessed it, she crossed the aisle. She had an awkward smile on her face and her boyfriend looked quite angry. I grimaced and looked down as we all went our separate ways. I also had a fear that anybody else overhearing just that part would think I'm a paedophile.
TL;DR: Everyone in the supermarket thinks I'm a peado.
[deleted]: I can't think of anything funny to say.
flighta7x: Then don't say anything.
[deleted]: I cannot think of a reply.
| 4 | 19.25 | |
1401035901 | 1401060625 | t3_26gcxq | t5_2to41 | 7 | NotFuckingHer: TIFU by not wanting to fuck my girlfriend after she was raped
Here's the story. My girlfriend was raped yesterday. We were together at the time (In a relationship) and I was the first one down at the hospital seeing if she was alright.. turns out she was fine, apart from the mental scarring of being raped. I took her home to our place (We recently moved in together) and she showered and went to bed. I went to bed a couple of hours later, thinking she might need some space after such a traumatic experience, and she immediately began grinding and asking for sex. Is this normal behaviour for someone who had been raped so recently? I, of course, said no to her sexual advances, thinking that it probably wasn't the best thing for her at the time, and she got pissed and told me to get out.. We haven't spoken in several days and she's not answering calls or texts from me.. what do, Reddit?
Edit: Raped yesterday at the time I didn't want to fuck her; just to clear the timeline up.. Should've made that more clear.
Arpikarhu: i would have felt like i was taking advantage of a vulnerable and confused girl. i think you did the right thing. give her time
breakingmad1: I wouldn't have porked her either, but its not taking advantage if its your gf
youandyouandyou: I hope you're joking that you can't take advantage of someone if they're your SO...
breakingmad1: Yeah sarcasm doesn't work well on the net
youandyouandyou: True indeed. I figured you were joking, but if you weren't.. well I couldn't really have done anything about it, but I'd have thought you were wrong.. and you'd have to live with that.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1401038605 | 1401103622 | t3_26ggo1 | t5_2to41 | 82 | PlaidDragon: TIFU by giving yesterday's weather report to thousands of people
I work at a radio station and yesterday I forgot to record the new weather report for today, so the program we use automatically played yesterday's report again. I'm not sure how many people noticed, but I feel bad. This is my first real mistake here at the station.
bobbabaloo: Only time all week the weather report was accurate...
Terragen: Twist: the actual day's forecast happened to be the same as the previous day so as far as the listeners were concerned the weather was *still* wrong.
| 3 | 27.333333 | |
1401024593 | 1401062366 | t3_26fzpl | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by not cleaning my Macbook before going to the Apple Store
Went to change battery for free. The worker saw that my macbook was dirty as hell (specks and smears on the monitor and keyboard). She got a cloth out and wiped it all clean for me.
I then noticed a couple strands of what looked like pubes on the keyboard as she handled the cloth. I'm pretty sure she noticed them too but I could just be paranoid..
I felt so guilty that I just made that poor girl have to deal with my (possible) bodily fluids and pubes... pretty sure she threw away that cloth after I left.
Belluavir: How can you know if she threw it away if you left?
kamicom: cuz what normal person would keep it if that shit happened to them.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1401039202 | 1401041902 | t3_26ghho | t5_2to41 | 64 | tatifu: TIFU by abandoning a friend at a bar
A night ago, I went to a bar at my best friend's request. I had to drive, so wasn't planning on drinking, and mainly went to socialize, because I enjoy the group's company.
When we were there, we were dancing through most of the night, and people slowly started filing out. I started to feel a bit awkward because I am very new to social interaction, as an introvert who rarely goes out. My friend and I were left with one other person, and they started kissing on the dance floor during last call, so I left them to do their thing while I waited by the door. As we walked out, I got her attention, and asked her if she wanted to be with him, as I figured it was the appropriate thing to do. Her response was muffled as she flew past me towards him outside. I made the incorrect assumption that she wanted more time alone with him.
At this point, I didn't want to intrude, so I sent her a text message asking if she wanted a ride home, while keeping within eyesight so if she ever felt uncomfortable, she could approach me and end the night. What I didn't realize was that she didn't realize I was there, and started to walk home with him, feeling abandoned.
She replied to the text seconds after they started to leave, and I was positioned so they walked past me on their way home, but neither of them noticed me. She told me that he was walking her home, and asked where I was. To make sure she got home safe, I walked on the other side of the street, feeling like a creep the whole way, but trying my hardest not to intrude (and texted her to let her know I was). He went upstairs with her shortly afterwards, and I felt better knowing that her roommate was home, so she would be safe beyond that point.
I got a text in the morning where she said she hated me for letting him walk her home. I now realize that I did a horribly wrong thing by not walking out with her and making my presence known. My duty was not to give her space, but to be in between her and the guy. I never confirmed any of her intentions, and just assumed.
Now I am doing everything I can to apologize for my betrayal of trust. And I don't think she will ever forgive me for it. I've tried everything I can to make it known how remorseful I feel about it, and I truly do feel remorse, because this is the biggest betrayal of trust I have ever done, and I've done it to my best friend. And now I am about to lose her.
knowses: You know what, it sounds to me like you made several responsible attempts to get her attention and give her an alternative to what happened. This isn't your fault, you didn't abandon her. She ignored you several times.
tatifu: I know her better than that though. I know she would have gone along with it, even while not wanting to, and I should have paid attention to her alcohol consumption. If I had been thinking, I would have at least made an effort to be between the two of them before leaving, even offering a ride to both of them, not just from afar via text. I made assumptions that led to her feeling abandoned.
Plus, she didn't see me. I should have made a better attempt to get her attention than just be the passive observer.
Not to mention, this post is written with my personal bias, even if I've tried to remove it. I can only imagine how it must have felt from her point of view, not seeing her best friend after leaving, being stuck alone with this guy, and not wanting to turn down his offer to walk her home. From her perspective, I abandoned her, and from mine, I should have done a better job of putting myself in her shoes.
knowses: Yes you're right. How dare you let her do something she knew she shouldn't, and how dare you let her drink that alcohol (you're not a very good babysitter, are you?), and why didn't you use your best cock-blocking skills to get between those two, and why didn't you bring your neon sign to get her attention? Quite negligent.
Of course, it couldn't be that she is putting some blame on you to take some of the personal guilt away. No, it is your fault.
tatifu: Regardless of my intention, I ultimately did fuck up because of the result of my actions. There were many moments I could have done things differently that would have made things better, and I failed to recognize them because I never thought of what would be best for her.
I tried to guess what she wanted, not what would help her. A true friend doesn't lose sight of that.
knowses: Well, you seem like a good friend. I hope she appreciates you.
tatifu: Thank you.
Though I guess it goes without saying that I'd feel like a better friend if I hadn't fucked up. It also doesn't help that I've never done something like this, and the internet hasn't been as fruitful when looking for the best way to show her how sorry I feel. Because she hasn't accepted my apology yet, and I don't blame her.
| 7 | 9.142857 | |
1401054644 | 1401579736 | t3_26gf9j | t5_2to41 | 11 | swordfishtrombonez: Good for you! Mention this at your court daye
swordfishtrombonez: * date
Username__Irrelevant: You know you could just click that edit button under your comment?
swordfishtrombonez: Not on my phone!
Username__Irrelevant: Oh sorry, okay.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1400902260 | 1401182229 | t3_26cok6 | t5_2to41 | 7 | telepaper: TIFU by kicking a kid in the face
Even though it happened yesterday, I'll be posting it today because fuck the police. So, I've been practicing karaté for a while and I'm now a black belt, wich means I get to train other people instead of actually training myself. Here's where shit hits the fan: I was training this little 8 or 9 Y/O kid in combat and, at some point, I sent him a kick and he lowered his head, wich means he got my foot in his face. All this resulted in a lot of crying and commotion all around. Oh and by the way, that kid did an oral presentation un class about me... I know, this fuck up isn't at the same level as the urethtra guy, but still, I feel pretty bad about this. At least I didn't shit myself I guess
VicinityGhost: Similar thing happened to me a few years ago as a red belt in Tae Kwon Do. I was 16 at the time helping out a 9 year old boy with sparring. I go easy, I throw up a slow round kick, he lowers his face for whatever reason, one thing leads to the next and the front side of my foot connects with his face and his head whips back. He stares for a moment and starts tearing up. The instructor comes over and I tell her what happened calmly, she assures me it's fine and that it's bound to happen at one point.
Basically, don't feel bad. I don't know the kid but he (or his parents) knew what he was signing up for. My personal opinions stands that young kids don't have the proper mentality for martial arts at that age.
Though I know how bad you feel kicking a kid in the face.
telepaper: I know I don't have to feel bad or anything for the kicky part, it's mostly the whole "he did a presentation about me" thingy that's bugging me
VicinityGhost: Haha, yeah that never happened with me so I can't offer you the best advice. Though it sounds to me like the kid was just doing it to be a prick. Unless he was asked to by higher authority figures for whatever reason. Just own up to it like you have and move on best you can.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1401025509 | 1401315082 | t3_26g0kb | t5_2to41 | 38 | RuMall: TIFU by accidentally putting bleach on my asshole.
Right, so this happened a few days ago and numerous amounts of people have laughed hysterically at me for it. So it was the day when i had just finished my final exam to conclude my first year of university. So as you do when it'send of exams, you drink, heavily. Hours went past and it was all going well, when suddenly the vast number of beer cans trembled my stomach like nothing else. I needed a shit, and soon. I went to my friends bathroom and began to unload. That was when i realised that there was no toilet roll - FUCK. I look around the bathroom and see a dish-washing disposable cloth and i begin to wipe with it. I tear it up into smaller pieces so i can make the most of the lack of things to wipe my ass with. I come out of the bathroom, with my anus just beginning to feel on fire. The first thing i see when i come out it my friend (who's toilet it was), holding a bunch of toilet roll, with a smile on his face which wouldn't be any good for my sake. He explained to me that he had used the cloth which i had used, to mop up some dried piss from the floor, and so he had bleached the cloth to make it easier. I don't know what was more red, my face or my ass hole.
NeedToRegisterQuick: >I don't know what was more red, my face or my ass hole.
Cracked up there!! Absolutely beautiful!
zrpls: I see what you did there..
NeedToRegisterQuick: Holy crap I didn't even notice!
Username__Irrelevant: Why were you in a rush to register?
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1401014634 | 1401104286 | t3_26fsau | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by almost lighting my house on fire
The other day, I found a lighter on the ground. I picked it up and flicked it excitedly; to my surprise, it worked. I brought it home with me and set it on my bedside table in case I needed it for something (because who doesn't love playing with fire?) You can see where this is headed.
One night, I am playing with the lighter as anyone would, when i accidentally light a piece of paper sitting on my bedside table on fire. (I was waving the lighter around and it caught the corner on fire, which was hanging over the edge). I didn't notice it was burning until the thing was consumed by the fire and fell off the desk, onto the floor.
Frantic, I look for the closest thing to me: a baseball cap. I pick the cap up and begin beating the piece of paper with it, trying to smother the flame. (This was sad for me, as well, because this is my favorite cap). To me relief, the fire went out fairly easily. It only took about ten seconds of me smothering it and beating it with the cap. Then the dread comes.
There is a huge burn in the carpet. The ends of all of the fibers have melted and fused together to form an unsightly brown shape on the carpet. My mother is asleep in her bedroom, and has no idea what has gone down. How do I tell her about something like this? "Hey, mom, so, I was being dumb with the lighter and burned a hole in the carpet. Sorry." We live in an apartment building (by the way, I'm lucky I didn't set off the alarms, because THAT would have been embarrassing. I would've had to explain all this to my entire building.), so when we moved, every rip, tear, or stain in the carpet would cost us money. This was more than any of those.
I take a washcloth and wipe away the ash from the paper as best I can. The more I clean, the more hopeless I become. I sit there and try to think about what to do next. The thing I settled on was painstakingly cutting the ends of each burned portion of the carpet off with a sharp pair of scissors. Imagine the ends of the carpet fibers are fused, like you would with a piece of nylon rope, and I had to cut them all off from an area about the size of a fist. It took me about an hour and a half to accomplish, and when I finish, there is still a brown tinge to the area of the burn. Also, the fibers there are shorter (because I cut them) and there is considerable dyeing from the ash of the paper. Resigned to my fate, I open the window to let the smell of smoke out, pile some laundry on the area of the burn, and go to sleep, hoping my mother won't notice.
This was last night, and my mother still hasn't noticed. The burned area looks okay in some light, but in others (say, the light from my window) the area looks really bad. I just hope the cleaning lady that comes later this week won't notice. How has your day gone, reddit?
[deleted]: GAYYYYYYYYY
coughedupon: You laugh, but this was a seriously traumatizing experience for me. I'm still recovering.
[deleted]: GA-GA-GAAAYYYYYYYYY
| 4 | 2 | |
1401043111 | 1401058813 | t3_26gmr2 | t5_2to41 | 10 | The_Mura: TIFU by locking my keys in the car at 2am in a dangerous neighborhood while drunk
Last night me and one of my friends decided to go out to Bourbon Street. We have a special parking spot that we go to, but it's in a not-so-nice neighborhood around the French Quarter (this is New Orleans for anyone who hasn't figured it out). So we both drank 40s in my car before getting out. After we leave, a few steps into walking towards the bars I start thinking, "Wait, where are my keys?" Sure enough, we go back to find that the keys are still in the ignition.
Engage panic mode. I'm 21 and still live with my parents. Calling them would have been a death sentence since it would have been essentially admitting that my plan was to drunk drive home. So I call my sister, but no dice. It's her birthday today and she was also drunk. My friend calls everyone he knows, but they're all asleep. We are fucked.
My friend mentions that he once broke into a car using a coat hanger. I say, "Great, but it's not like we're gonna find one anywhere around here." Then I say that since we're screwed we might as well go drink some more. On the way to the bars I notice something on the ground. Lo and behold, a coat hanger. So now the plan is to break into my own car.
Now this neighborhood is kinda sketch, but it's still near Bourbon, so there's a lot of traffic that comes through it. Plot twist: my friend and I are both black. So it's 2:30 in the morning and people are walking by watching two black guys trying to break into a car. It's only a matter of time before someone calls the police. But luckily that never happened.
My friend method of breaking in isn't working, so I google some other ways. There's one that works if your car door unlocks by being pulled from the inside, which mine does. So we get a stick and wedge it in the crack of the window to create enough space to stick the coat hanger in. It takes an hour because we are drunk, but eventually we get our hook around the door lever. My friend is like, "This is probably our only chance so don't fuck this up." I pull and the door opens. Victory screech. Grab keys. Go to Bourbon. Drink More. Now I'm a felon.
candidly1: I realize this is closing the barn door after the horse is gone, but everyone should have a hide-a-key. It's a little metal box with a magnet that holds a spare ignition key. You put it up inside a bumper or trailer hitch. They can come in handy...
09sroyal: If everyone had one they wouldn't be very hidden
candidly1: There are a number of different places they can used, so they aren't that easy to find. So, if you see someone crawling around under your car it's kind of a giveaway that they are trying to steal it.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1401044033 | 1401198402 | t3_26gnyh | t5_2to41 | 67 | foreveralone2431: TIFU by destroying my date's washroom
I f'd up bad. Throwaway as she uses reddit.
Found a beautiful girl via okcupid. Setup a first date, went to a great restaurant and saw a movie. On the way back to her house, my stomach started to feel really bad.
Fast forward 20 min, it's hurting a lot. I ask to come inside to use her washroom. She hesitates thinking I just want to get between her legs, but she lets me in. I rush to the washroom, already embarrassed.
After doing my business I try to flush and it doesn't work. Worried and freaking out, I see a mug I can use. My macgyver instincts flare up and I decide I can probably scoop up a bunch of it from the toilet and pull it down the tub.
I start to do it and turns out the tub has her hair caught and its blocked. Turn on the water but just makes it worse.
5 min in the washroom and most of it is covered with my shit and smells awful.
At this point I give up and leave the washroom with a smile, give her a peck on the cheek, say I had a great time and left.
It's been 12 hours and I have received no text or call from her...
If you're reading this, I'm really sorry. I messed up bad.
leatherhosen: You are an absolute dickhead for not owning up to what happened and offering to help her clean it up. You literally covered her bathroom with human shit and left it for her to clean up by herself. I think it would have been 100x better to just say "I clogged your toilet, sorry" and offer your assistance in fixing it. Either way you're unlikely to get a second date, but what matters here is being a decent human being. Ask to borrow a plunger... anything. You also used a mug - that I'm assuming was used to drink out of - to transport human feces. What if that mug had sentimental value to her? Now it's basically unusable and her bathroom is completely fucked. Call her and say you're sorry and offer to clean it up if she hasn't already. If she has, ask her what you can do to make it up to her.
Edit: You have only truly fucked up if you choose to continue to do nothing about it.
russiangn: Ok.
The point of this subreddit is to post about your fuck up (which we all have happen to us). Honestly, this is probably the best fucking subreddit. I don't think we should be posting our two cents about how someone is an asshole for doing or not doing something. OP knows what he did and he knows it's wrong. Let's not discourage these amazing stories from being posted in the future.
PBborn: What I really want to know, is if he cleaned the mug. Because of all the fuck ups he created, it was actually one he could likely remedy. And hope to god he did clean it, do you think she'll use it before she reads his post?
russiangn: No way.
I don't think so because it's going to be in the bathroom which is covered in shit.
| 5 | 13.4 | |
1401044277 | 1401054699 | t3_26goaj | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting my toilet was clogged
Today, I was just being a bored teenager, just using my phone to browse reddit. Suddenly, I got the sudden urge to have a quick fap. I went into the bathroom and decided I would blow my load in the toilet. I figured, "I can just flush the toilet to get rid of the evidence quickly." I don't touch my cock until I find the perfect clip. When I found it, it took me a mere 10 minutes to get to the finishing point. As I am about to blow my load, I realize that a few nights ago, I had accidentally clogged it by putting too much toilet paper in there. FUCK. I try to redirect my spray, but it's too late, I have came. I tried my best quickly reach in the bowl to dispose of the semen somewhere else, but it doesn't work. I tried to cover it up by ripping out tiny scraps of toilet paper, but it looked very unconvincing. Now, I'm just sitting here, hoping no one will find the mess I made.
WPBDoc: You put your hand into a clogged toilet to try to dip out your own cum????? G'night Internet.
99waystofuckyourself: I am not a smart man.
kotabear2121: Just piss in that toilet to break it up.
| 4 | 5 | |
1401047329 | 1401071568 | t3_26gsia | t5_2to41 | 83 | [deleted]: TIFU by convincing my girlfriend i'm cheating.
incognito_explosivo: So you know. 5 inches is less than an inch shy of the average penis
Captain_Kuhl: Less than half. A deal I saw yesterday said average was 5.3 inches. Fear not, OP, worst case scenario, you're just average.
incognito_explosivo: Was It the same thing I read that reported most guys said their dick was like 6.5 inches and it's really 5.5?
Captain_Kuhl: Yeah, self measurement averages were a whole inch longer than doctor measurements.
Winnie256: So OP only has a 4" penis and is now 1.3" below average?
Captain_Kuhl: Technicalities can be a bitch.
| 7 | 11.857143 | |
1401051103 | 1401058837 | t3_26gxoo | t5_2to41 | 24 | megaluigi: TIFU by offending and disgusting my friend
This happened a few days ago. Me and my friend were inside Chipotle making small talk. We were discussing random topics, mostly about cars (me and my friend are both automotive enthusiasts). We kept talking while we were in line to order, except when we actually had to talk to the Mexican lady operating the food counter.
After we had got out of the line with our food, we sat down at the table to continue the conversation. At that point, my friend was talking about bad events that happened to him recently. I was paying no attention, gorging down on this delicious and hearty burrito I ordered. He said "You know, I had to put down my dog the other day." I gave no thought and immediately said while chewing, "Nice. Did you use a gun? One between the eyes always works." Keep in mind that I was eating and browsing my laptop at the same time (I'm a pig, I know). My friend had a shocked expression on his face, and said quietly, "Fuck you." He went back home on his own, and we haven't talked since.
Reddit, I really fucked me over by not paying attention.
TL;DR: I accidentally offended my friend while he was talking about putting down his dog.
**UPDATE**: I took everyone's advice and talked to my friend. I explained how I wasn't paying attention. He just shrugged, but we cooled down with a good game of TF2. Thanks for the help, Reddit!
Qisdaq: Just apologize to him if you're really friends he'll forgive you
megaluigi: I tried talking to him over Steam, but he just kept setting his status as Away. I'll try to talk to him in real life to explain.
breakingmad1: Steam won't do. Ring him like a man
| 4 | 6 | |
1401048561 | 1401081820 | t3_26gu6g | t5_2to41 | 5 | fuker01: TIFU Smoking and almost experiencing death !
Hello Reddit, it’s the first time I post here, I am a redditor but I never post anything, this thread is one of my favorite because some time it can get very funny. So here I am too sharing my story with you, but what I’m about to tell you scares the shit out of me only thinking about it.
It all began a month ago, when me and a friend were stupid enough to try something new,, I’m not a smoker, never tried regular cigarettes before, but my friend explained to me on one of his how to do it before we smoke the "stuff". We had the thing and we were on a plain field, first time using it and nothing happened, we smoked a lot of it, but the effect was not there so we believe it was crap mixed with tobacco.
Few weeks later my friend managed to get new stuff from a trusted friend of his, we went to the same place. I eat chocolate, drank of a lot of water that’s what I heard is good to do after you try the stuff, this time was somehow different, it was not a big deal, I felt tired, my eyes were heavy, my body felt lighter. I tough I was not doing it right and the effect was smaller. Because I was not a smoker my friend told me the same thing that maybe I don’t do it right, HERE is where the shit begin ( I’m shaking right now ). I light the joint, I did some “puffs” (I believe that's how it’s called) so it burns right, after that I kept sucking smoke for like 5 seconds and I tried to keep it for 10 seconds in my lungs, but it was so much smoke that I started to choke, it was hard to keep breathing normal, every time I was inhaling it felt like my throat was burned. My friend was worried and asked if i’m ok, I thought I was, but I could not speak , I was like “ ‘I’m , I’m I’m goo.. ; after that I replied involuntary “What the fuck?”, but with no problem, i started to panic, I was so confused, I still am. Drank some water to clean my throat, got out of the car with the bottle, got dizzy and I started to support my body over the car looking at the nice view of the field, drank another sip, In that moment my throat was even bad, i believe it was inflated, I felt like the swallowing it was still there, same feeling when you swallow a pill without water. I started to breath more intensive, the sound of the birds was so powerful, like a pitch sound. It felt like my body is shutting down, every organ was slowly fucking with me.
As I was looking at the field, little pink dots started to appear at a point that I could only see pink, I closed my eyes, because they were too heavy, and I could not see anymore. I hardly placed my hand over my heart and I didn’t felt it because moving i started to feel tingling all over my body, I was thinking that the blood dose not flow how its suppose to, I was trying to move every part of my body so my blood will go there, I could only make small movements like open and close my hand, move my fingers of my foot, tried to move my head, but it started to be really heavy, and I let it down on the car. With the last power I tried to ask my friend to see if my heart was beating ,I did not feel his hand but I could hear him slowly repeating “ it’s beating , it’s ok”, at that point it was a relieve for me, I believed the blood will start to flow and ill regain my senses, but it was not the case.
( He told me today that it was a lie, the damn bastard was scared because it was beating so slow, and my skin was white like a piece of paper, he didn’t want to worry me. ) He took the bottle of water and put it at my mouth, at this moment I was so scared that I would choke because I was struggling to breath, I tried to tell him no, but I took a sip and I was so happy that I managed to keep in control my breathing. It was the best water that I have drank in my life. My vision, or what was left of it, it was of a red thingy and some ramifications like a lightning that keep appearing and disappearing, the sound it was like a high pitch screaming ,at that point I was sure that I saw the devil, it felt like I was in that stage forever… it felt like dying, it was only me and my thoughts left. Started to think that I will see my life in front of me, but instead i was worried about thighs that I could have done them better, or what I could change in my life if I still have a chance to live. I didn’t want to give up, I wanted to tell my friend to call for help, I could not do a thing, I felt helpless and worried if help comes I’ll die anyway and my friend will be in big trouble, he’s a pshyco, but I love him.
I struggled so hard to open my eye’s because I wanted to see one more time that damn field, I believed that I did open them, but it was the same image of the devil, It literary felt like only my brain works and i’m dead, but I knew I still have a chance because my thoughts are there, my heart has to be beating, betting on the fact that breathing is an involuntary thing, even tho I barely feel anything , didn’t want give up. Then the last thought hit me, it wasn’t like I replayed it, I was just thinking about it, about me and my friend, playing with a BB-gun in my yard, I was aiming at a bird, I hit one of her wings, she struggled to fly and land in my yard, my friend wanted to kill it, to shoot it again, but I felt so bad, and I didn’t want to happen anything else to it, he took the gun and I kept standing in front of the bird so it shoot’s me, he shooted me a few times because I placed my hands over her, it was like that until the bird regained her power and flew away, I was so relived in my mind.
At the same time I could feel my breath again, I started to hear small noises, the vision was only black, briefly I felt the sun on my skin. I opened my eyes, the vision wasn’t there yet, the black faded away until I could see the sky,I thought I died, and I am in heaven, I moved my head down and saw that god damn green field again, I moved my hand over my chest and I could fell my heart beating like it wants to get out of my body. I yelled “ I’m not dead !” and crushed down at the wheel of the car, drank some water, and enjoyed the view. I never appreciated nature like that in my life!
I am stupid for trying something like that, and I’ll never do it again ! Sorry for my bad english and i'm not a good writer either, i like math, not meth tho ! hah
bobbabaloo: I don't really see how you fucked up?
a_d_d_e_r: Well, he definitely screwed up by trying a strong drug without any idea of what to expect (erowid.org, folks, use it!). Then again for diving right into a strong dose being completely inexperienced with psychoactives.
However, I would say his toker friends fucked up more for not being more careful when introducing someone to pot.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1401058257 | 1401059234 | t3_26h7io | t5_2to41 | 42 | dblydenburgh: TIFU in a campground bathroom
A few years ago, my family was on one of our many yearly camping trips. After a campfire and a few drinks we rode our golf cart to the campgrounds bathrooms. The building was just a hallway with a roof over it, 6 bathrooms with showers and everything on each side of the hall. I walked into the first room on the right, my dad the first on the left, and my mom the second on the right. The locks on the doors were equipped with a "vacant/occupied" sign to let people outside know of the room was locked. I finished up and left the room, I was the first one done, my dad got out next. I had the hilarious idea to lean on the door of the room my mom was in to lock her in there when she tried to get out. Shortly after I propped up against the door, the occupied sign switched to vacant, and the door was pushed, but of course it wouldn't budge. The lock clicked back and forth a few times and the door kept pushing, my dad and I were trying to contain our laughter so our mom wouldn't hear. Then, the lock on door number three clicks and the door opens. Out walks my mom... My dad and I looked at each other, and I reversed and sprinted faster than I ever had. I got to our golfcart and pulled out my phone to look innocent. My sister kept asking what the hell I was doing, I whispered loudly "SHUT THE HELL UP." A woman in her fifties rounded the corner before my parents and walked back to her site. My dad was laughing his ass off and my mom had absolutely no idea what just happened.
breakingmad1: Ha least you got away with it
dblydenburgh: I guarantee she knew what happened, especially with my dad laughing his ass off and me out of breath trying to look nonchalant, but luckily she did not give a shit. I could only imagine how it would've turned out if it was a young, pissed off dude or something.
| 3 | 14 | |
1401060197 | 1401214896 | t3_26ha0t | t5_2to41 | 174 | Bigtuna546: TIFU by hitting myself with my car.
So I keep an old 90's Chrysler Voyager van with 300,000 miles around for moving and hauling shit. I only use it maybe once or twice a year, and I haven't serviced it in a while because, well, its a 90's Chrysler Voyager with 300,000 miles...
So my uncle called me last night and asked if I could move some old storage boxes from his current house to one he just purchased about a block away. I told him I'd love to help.
This morning I started the van (I wish it had just been dead or something in hindsight) and made my way to my uncle's. Now, here's where it gets interesting... My uncle's driveway is heavily sloped, and beyond the driveway is about 20 feet of flat pavement followed by another gigantic slope which leads to the driveway and house of a neighbor.
I pulled up the driveway and put the emergency brake on. Three hours later (literally 3 FUCKING HOURS) I went outside to bring his garbage cans up for him which sat at the end of the driveway. As I was closing one of the lids, I heard a strange sound behind me...intensifying as time passed. I look around to see the rusted, fat end of my Chrysler barreling towards me without a care in the world. I try to jump out of the way, but the van hit a bump in the driveway and corrected its course, again, towards me. It hit me hard enough to send myself and the trashcan flying into the adjacent lawn. As I'm laying in the grass, contemplating my existence, I see the van slow nearly to a halt on the flat pavement after the driveway, right before it starts rolling on the next slope like a star being gravitationally sucked into a black hole. I could only watch in horror as it knocked over 3 street signs, crashed through our neighbor's picket fence, and finally stopping by colliding into their two cars in their driveway.
I went to the ER and got some bandages.
Tl;dr - My emergency brake failed and I was hit by my own van.
topskin: Well, op (and anyone else who drives stick), this is why you leave your car in gear and cut the wheel to turn towards the nearest obstacle when you park on an incline, in addition to the e-brake. You never ever ever trust the e-brake by itself. This was one of the first things I was taught in driver's ed.
It also works as a great theft deterrent. All I'd have to do is cut your brake cable and roll it on a trailer if it's not in gear. Of course, I wouldn't steal that pos van, but someone would steal your shiny bmw M3.
bollerwagon: I don't know about this van but some 90's American cars (my friends Jeep comes to mind) had autos with no sort of parking pawl to lock the transmission, so that could be the case here.
topskin: You're claiming that Jeep, in the 90's, had a vehicle in their lineup that came with an auto that didn't have 'park'?
No they didn't. I used to work at a Jeep/Chrysler Dealership. As a mechanic. In the '90's.
Oh, and some backup.
>[A parking pawl... in all cars sold in the United States since 1965 \(when the order was standardised by the Society of Automotive Engineers (SAE\)) through SAE J915,\[1\] and in most other vehicles worldwide.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parking_pawl)
So unless your buddy lives in Zimbabwe, and bought something that wasn't actually a Jeep, quit your bullshit.
bollerwagon: Her Jeep rolled away in park, so I had reason to believe that 94 Grand Cherokees might not have that.
topskin: ... Yeah, not if you had thought about it for a second. You really would jump to "Jeeps don't have park" over mechanical failure in one of the worst drive trains that Jeep ever put together?
EDIT: I took a quick look at your profile.
[ I work at a 4x4 restoration shop 9 hours a day/](http://www.reddit.com/r/AutoDetailing/comments/25i5tz/overspray_on_tints/chib48z)
You are so full of shit. I find it impossible to believe that some who works at such a place would be confused about something like this. What shop do you 'work' at? I need to make sure to get on YELP and let people know that your shop hires complete morons and should never be trusted to so much as change the oil.
bollerwagon: Go fuck yourself, you sour worthless asshole.
topskin: Cute. I'm not the one running around, claiming to restore 4x4's, and yet you don't even know the most basic things about the most popular 4x4 brand on the market (lollol, autos don't have park). Even if you do work at such a place, I bet you're nothing more than just a broom pusher.
Take your inflated ego and lies elsewhere.
bollerwagon: You're right, I don't know dick about "the most popular 4x4 brand" because we don't work with inferior equipment from manufacturers who leave important things out to save costs. We specialize in Land Rovers and Land Cruisers. I've never worked with an automatic because 99% of the trucks we deal with are stick. So I don't really care if i know the exact layout of every single auto ever, but I know that the parking lock in mine is a 5 inch long, grooved semicircle that would probably only break if I engaged it on the highway, whereas jeep probably uses something inadequate like a 1/4 inch diameter pin. I've replaced my own headgasket and its still running fine a year and 10k+ miles later. I've done about 5 suspensions, helped in 2 diesel swaps, plus a shit ton of assembly and disassembly off the top of my head (this is only a summer job btw). I'm not going to give you the name of the shop because you sound like one of those creepy redneck gun rights fuckers (actually don't all Heep mechanics fall into that category?) who'll come shoot the joint up.
[Here's a throwback to when i wired up an aux fuseblock and 4 heated seats in my truck.](http://imgur.com/IIKKiSr)
[And here's when i was pulling the head](http://imgur.com/3xpPAaG)
[And here's a customer's Australian imported BJ45 Landcruiser troopy, with bonus 300 TDI Defender](http://imgur.com/mP0pNcy)
| 9 | 19.333333 | |
1401059519 | 1401122123 | t3_26h95p | t5_2to41 | 164 | SheZowRaisedByWolves: TIFU by shitting myself at a best buy
I am typing this from my room with the curtains closed and door locked ;-;.
I had a very heavy jalapeño filled lunch today and decided to venture to best buy in search of new music. I hopped in my car and drove to best buy but the stalking feeling of diarrhea was at an all time high. The only decent parking spot was a few square tree things away from the entrance. I got out and headed inside.
I was greeted by an employee, as always, then ventured to the music section. I bent over and searched the bottom rows for 2 Chainz as I wanted to get my turn up. But that was the second mistake (the first being not taking a shit check at home). I felt the pressure build up in my rectum as my stomach growled like Randy Blythe. I was stunned.
Too stunned to move any further to get myself up, I clenched my ass cheeks and started to sweat profusely. Suddenly, my quick thinking came into play. I checked to see if anyone was looking and rolled over to bring myself to my tip toes. The maneuver was successful and I was finally standing yet again. Now for the next step: making it to the bathroom.
I penguin waddled to the best of my ability to the bathroom in the back of the establishment. Letting out audible farts to ease pressure along the way. I slammed the door open and grabbed the furthest stall away from the door because I knew that literal shit was about to go down. I pulled down my jeans, ass slammed the porcelain pony, no doubt cracking it with the anger of a thousand suns, and proceeded to let loose.
(Imagine this playing for this part http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hem0JeHtCjA)
The feel was horrific. It felt as if my asshole was being pulled out as Lucifer himself poured fresh lava down it. I grabbed the safety bars, as it was a handicapped stall, and tried holding on for dear life. My neck veins were popping out of my skin, my hands were getting so slippery from sweat that I was beginning to have trouble holding on to the bars, and I was screaming silently to a god that I knew no longer existed within the realms of this tiled rape dungeon.
The smell was horrific as well. This smell had beaten any zoo exhibit, dump, or even as far as an Alpaca graveyard. My shit was entering a new state of being. I felt that it had come alive during this process and was trying to force it's way back into my body to claim it as it's own. But I fought back and pushed that fucker out.
(Imagine the first 54 seconds of this song playing while you read the next part https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zoXBSjpVOUE)
The deed had been done.
The war had been won.
This victory was short lived though. I noticed something went I went to grab the toilet paper, there was none and that there was also shit all over the floor.
OH SHIT.
I figured out that as I had traveled to the stall, I was slowly and unknowingly letting out a trail of shit as soon as entered the bathroom. I knew that my only option now was to abandon the idea of getting the cd and haul ass out of this bathroom. But alas, something else was amiss. My boxers were no where to be seen,
"Where the fuck are my boxers!?"
I searched the ground but they where no where. Until I stood up. I felt them. I was still wearing them. When I had pulled my pants down, I didn't pull my boxers down with them.
Game over man, game over. I was now in a bathroom (which no one was surprisingly in at the time) with shitty pants, shitty boxers, shitty legs, and a shitty taste in music. I formulated my final endeavor and began to execute it. I took off my boxers and tried to tear them to little pieces and flush it down the toilet. Success. I then soaked my jeans in the toilet water in hopes of getting the shit off the pant legs but somehow in this attempt, I had broken the zipper on them.
With myself sorta cleaned up and pants loosely on, I opened left the stall and opened the bathroom door and took a deep breath. Then I ran. In my mind I looked Jason Bourne running form something awesome but in reality, I probably looked like the retarded horse from family guy wit his pants falling down. I stumbled out of the front doors with everyone looking at me like I was some new kind of stupid. I tripped and fell in the parking lot and scraped up my face a bit but made it to my car nonetheless.
I drove home in tears and hurried into my house in the same manner that I had left the best buy. I jumped into the shower and cried the evening away. Still in my jeans.
TL;DR: Shit myself in a best buy. Pretty sure I can never go back.
EDIT: Since some of you don't believe me, here is the toilet before I flushed it http://imgur.com/wecpJtr
SonofUlysses: So you're trying to tell us that you took a massive diarrhea shit with your BOXERS STILL ON and DIDN'T NOTICE until you tried to pull them up after you'd finished? I call bullshit.
russiangn: Yeah....interesting story
edit: TIFU is the only subreddit where there is **no** pics or gtfo rule
esearcher: The other day, someone posted one of these stories and DID include pics. So gross.
juhesihcaaa: Link?
esearcher: Here's the link, but the guy removed the post text and link: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/26bt5i/tifu_by_coughing_at_the_wrong_moment_pics/
| 6 | 27.333333 | |
1401062142 | 1401197681 | t3_26hchb | t5_2to41 | 412 | id0nteven: TIFU: By getting a raging hard on while working pizza delivery
It all started out like a normal quiet day at my local pizza joint, not too many deliveries, the sun was out and it was a beautiful day to relax.
My first fuck-up was by wearing my spandex UnderArmor briefs which are incredibly comfortable and very snug.
I was out on the patio in the front of my pizza place waiting for a pizza to be done. Being so comfortable, sitting out in the hot sun, I drifted off into nap mode. I was only napping for about 5 minutes before I realized what I had done. My Eastern European boss, who speaks in a very uniquely accented and incomprehensible way was yelling for me. When I stood up for attention, I noticed that I was not alone in that venture. I was popping a full on, 10/10 tooth-chipping chub. The position that I had fallen asleep in assured an incredibly noticeable 90 degree outcropping of full penis visible to all of the hungry customers and children enjoying their food on this beautiful day.
My boss had (incredibly) turned around and was making his way back into the restaurant. Before I had even noticed this I was already mid flip-tuck. I thanked all the gods for my fortune and I quickly scanned the faces of noticeably displeased customers. I shrugged my shoulders and quickly hurried inside, thinking that the worse was over. As I could easily bs my way out if someone, god-forbid, reported a teenage boy for having a boner. With this in my mind I entered the kitchen.
I was still hard in the danger zone, but I was now flip-tucked and safe, or so I thought as I careened my way through the tight bustling kitchen. God damn the fucking dough machine, that bastard caught the side of my shorts and with a very slight tug undid all of work; and my dreams as it seemed at the moment.
There I am now, standing in the middle of the kitchen. Surrounded by my coworker on all sides with my shorts half way down, and my erection, straight as an arrow, boring a hole through my spandex. As I attempted to pull my pants up, I knocked over a tower of pizza pans, spilling their cheesy goodness all over the floor. I can't describe the looks of shock and horror I received from from my co-workers, so I will make no attempt. I walked over, took the god damned delivery pizza that was my undoing and walked out to my car. I didn't know what to say, and honestly I still don't. I have since delivered that fucker and am presently sitting in the parking-lot of my restaurant.
TLDR; wore amazing boxers, fell asleep at work, got an amazing hard-on (in front of families) proceeded to knock over shit and now every person I work with now knows the exact dimensions of my Johnson
Brettm91: Sounds like a cheesy porno.
(sorry for the shitty pun)
[deleted]: at least it had no creamy topping...
This_Land_Is_My_Land: You hear that? That nothingness? That means I'm in another part of the world and you can't hear anything from me.
But you see this post? This post means that you made me somewhat sick from imagining your description.
I hate you. Have an upvote.
[deleted]: Thank you, i appreciate that you took yourself the time to imagine what i described and afterwards write a comment about it.
This_Land_Is_My_Land: I gave you a pointy thing, too. Don't forget that bit!
[deleted]: Of course not, that's why i gave you one too.
This_Land_Is_My_Land: Wee!
(Okay at this point I'm not even contributing something! Have a nice day.)
[deleted]: You too.
| 9 | 45.777778 | |
1401064298 | 1401092505 | t3_26hfcp | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by shitting in my Ex-GF's bidet
So, back in 2010 I lived In Shanghai, China, and while I was there, I've made a bunch of friends, and a girlfriend, as well.
We had been dating for around two months when she invited me to meet her family, with a traditional dinner. I really loved her, and I was so excited, that after eating, my stomach groaned.
Oh shit.
I asked her father politely if I could use the bathroom. I hurried myself there, and because I was so excited about being there, I accidentally confused the toilet with the bidet.
About three minutes after taking the shit, I realized I had shit in the bidet.
Oh shit.
My heart stopped as they asked me if I was alright. "Sure" I said, knowing some kind of ninja would kill me if they found the shit. Suddently, my brain had an idea: Get out through the window.
So, after falling out of the window(thanks god it was a house), I ran away to my house. From there, I went to Shanghai's airport and bought a ticket to Macau, where my friend resides.
After a week, I called her and appologized. She was O.K. with it, and we kept dating until 2012, when we stopped.
tl;dr: Went to my GF's house, shitted in the bidet and fleed to Macau so her family wouldn't kill me ;)
Stitchikins: Hah!! That's a great story! Thanks for sharing OP!
bradenbest: >Thanks for shitting OP!
FTFY
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1401078758 | 1401127316 | t3_26hxl5 | t5_2to41 | 474 | Great_Wave: TIFU by telling my fiancé I didn't need her in my life
Today my fiancé and I were driving home from getting ice cream. We had brought our newly rescued dog with us and my fiancé was talking about how much the dog has grown on me.
A little bit of a back story...
We already had 2 dogs, but one day I came home and this new dog was waiting at home. She had made the decision to rescue it from some woman she knew without even asking me and I was furious for days. Not that I don't love dogs, but we just didn't exactly have the money for a new animal and I didn't like how she didn't include me on that type of major decision.
So anyway, we've got the new dog with us in the car and the conversation went something like this...
Her: "you love that dog whether you want to admit it or not."
Me: "well of course I do"
Her: "then why were you so mad when I got her?"
Me: "because I grew to love her. I could have done without her. The only reason I love her is because she's in my life and I've grown attached to her. Kind of like you!"
Her: "what?"
Me: "yeah like, if we had never met, my love for you wouldn't have existed and I wouldn't have known either way, but since your in my life, I love you."
Her: "so you didn't need me in your life?"
I don't know. I guess it was a petty stupid thing to say. It made sense in my head though.
The rest of the ride home was basically me trying to dig out of the hole I had gotten myself into, but like always I just dug even deeper. Needless to say she was pretty sullen the rest of the night and here I am trying to figure out what to do tomorrow. Guess it's time to stop by the flower shop.
EDIT: wow. Thank you guys for all of your input! She woke up today and seemed fine so it looks like she slept it off. I bought her some flowers and told her that I want her in my life and what I originally said just didn't come out the right way. She understood and I think was just happy that I let her cool off for the night and explained myself rather than just flipping out and calling her crazy over nothing.
obliterayte: Maybe its because I'm a guy, but I don't see the fuck up here. What you said is just a fact. My wife and I tend to get in fights like this too. I'm a really logical thinker and she is a very emotional thinker. She tends to think I'm hearless sometimes due to my way of thinking. Anyway, good luck op.
SeaLeggs: Pardon?
[deleted]: Do you listen to El-P and Killer Mike?
SeaLeggs: What?
LouderBot: DO YOU LISTEN TO EL-P AND KILLER MIKE?
SeaLeggs: What?
LouderBot: DO YOU LISTEN TO EL-P AND KILLER MIKE?
SeaLeggs: Pardon?
| 9 | 52.666667 | |
1401071997 | 1401162218 | t3_26hp84 | t5_2to41 | 4 | Well_ShitFuck: TIFU and broke a wall
So today I had been given the task to remove all these brick and concrete that is around the clothesline so next week my dad is able to fix it up. So ive started picking up these bricks and putting them in the trailor and its time to move/break the concrete, so ive struggled to pick up this massive peice and now I'm wondering how I'm going to break it in half so I can move it with out hurting myself or struggling. So I see this little wall next to me that I was going to lean it on and then used a pickaxe (sledge hammer handle is broken or this wouldn't of happened) to break it in the middle. So I go to lay it on the wall and lose my grip, it falls onto the wall and breaks the fucking wall! The worse part is the the concrete itself still wasn't broken! So I smash it with the pickaxe and finally break it but I have no idea how dad is going to react to the wall being broken.
andersonmatt1125: Dude, you need some shorter sentences and paragraph breaks.
PIGEONPIGEONPIGEON: Also don't say "So" 7 times in one paragraph.
Well_ShitFuck: Sorry about that, I was on my phone and it just happened 10 minutes before I posted this. So I was scared as hell.
| 4 | 1 | |
1401078810 | 1401204492 | t3_26hxnj | t5_2to41 | 17 | talkingbox: TIFU by flirting up a girl's text to me to impress a friend and accidentally sending it back to her.
Pretty simple fuck up, but I'm still cringing my dick off. This girl I'm sorta into was texting me and she may be into me as well. I was texting my buddy about how she may be into me. I meant to copy a text she sent me and send it to him, but I felt compelled to add a winky face to it for whatever insecure reason.
I sent the altered text back to her instead of my friend. I immediately played it off as being drunk. I said I meant to copy another persons text for someone else. It was a pretty transparent explanation. I think I blew it. Not a huge fuck up, but seriously fuck me.
Exlam1nat0r: Post the text
talkingbox: I changed: "but seriously im so glad we're going to be going to college togther. It should be a good time if we keep in touch"
To: "but seriously im so glad we're going to be going to college togther. It should be a good time if we keep in touch ;)"
I hate me.
Stitchikins: No biggie, just apologise and say you weren't meant to send it to your friend, with the 'winky face' to show off, or make him jealous, or whatever.. Not because you were trying to manipulate or change the tone of her message..
Voyager5555: " to show off, or make him jealous, or whatever.. "
"Not because you were trying to manipulate or change the tone of her message.."
Right....
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1401080633 | 1401091371 | t3_26hzoz | t5_2to41 | 20 | olawdmahdick: TIFU by almost circumcising myself
So long story short, I've had phimosis most of my life (foreskin is tighter than a Hong Kong alleyway), and my foreskin never stretched more than like a few cm at most. Freak accident today ended up stretching my foreskin back way further than it's ever been before. To the point where I can retract it all the way back behind the head. Now my dick's still a bit sore, obviously, but there was no bleeding or anything, and I wasn't in any real pain after the initial shock wore off.
Not sure if I should go to a doctor, or celebrate my newfound flexibility.
argntnspc: Actually I'm pretty sure you've finally retracted your foreskin all the way down.
When your a young kid there's a point where you have to pull the foreskin back, preferably underwater.
SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE SHOWED YOU THIS MY FRIEND!
I don't know about phimosis, maybe check a doctor, but I think you're fine. I did this when i was ~12 or so, it hurt worse then ripping a band-aid but I think you're good.
[deleted]: Yea I had phimosis when I was 12 too. The doctor prescribed steroid cream and I was able to fully retract it within 1 month
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1401087376 | 1401100659 | t3_26i6ho | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by screaming at a guy in public because I thought he was being a creep when he really wasn't
(This happened a long time ago but I never thought to post it)
A long time ago I used to work in a small restraunt as a server/waitress depending on which flavor of english you like. Getting hit on by people who are nice and/or creepy was just part of the job and you learn to deal with it. Now I would not consider myself unattractive I am short with a nice complexion, nice healthy hair and a curvy body (Probably because I'm short >.<) and I'm latin american so I have a little bit of exotic spice.
Well getting on one night I was working a saturday night which is one of the busiest nights for our restraunt and I'd been having an awful day due to a mental disorder that I unfortunately suffer from. I was in an absolutely sour mood and I was given the table of a guy who was sitting by himself. I got him some wine and I asked him what his doings were that night and he explained to me that he had just been dumped. I was in the most sour of sour moods but he insisted on making small talk with me. I tried going back to the kitchen and asking if someone else would take his table but no one would. I can't give the burden to anyone else so instead I'm trying to entertain him while I'm actually boiling in my skin and feeling very unstable.
So eventually I'm serving him and we begin to talk about things that we like (normal small talk stuff) and this is when he asks me with an awkward tone; "Are you into hardcore?"
Now here's the part where I'm a fucking stupid bitch. I feel that he was just there looking for sex on his saturday night and I get super offended so I yell at him loud so everyone can hear:
**YOU FUCKING CREEP, YOU SERIOUSLY THINK COMING IN HERE AND PROPOSITIONING ME FOR SEX WILL WORK? HIJO DE PUTA**
I spat at him and went back to the kitchen. The whole restraunt fell silent and all you could hear was the sound of a sparse knife touching a plate.
I walked straight out of there and into the kitchen where of course I was asked what the fuck I just did. I told them what had happened and they shat themselves laughing. "CAMILA, HARDCORE IS MUSIC. IT IS A STYLE OF MUSIC YOU DUMB CHOLA."
After this the manager talked to me and I explained to him that I'm not mentally well and he said "Well in that case I think it's in our best interest to let you go Camila, you should go and continue your treatment."
**TL;DR**
**Misunderstood what someone meant and called someone a creepy son of a bitch in front of my whole workplace, lost my job**
fookinat: I'd just like to let you know; you sound like a complete jerk from the very beginning; not just from the "here's the part" section.
"he insisted on making small talk". That's called being polite and treating your server like a human being; it's not some burden on you.
obliterayte: Agreed. Regardless of your day, it sounds like he was having a shitty one too. I'm sure he picked up on your bad day via body language and he was probably trying to make you feel better. By doing so, he would've made himself feel better. You turned a win/win into a horrible situation. Sucks to suck.
[deleted]: It was a misunderstanding :c
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1401091309 | 1401135103 | t3_26i9vu | t5_2to41 | 15 | bradenbest: TIFU by spilling grease on my boss.
>I'm not that good at story telling, and the whole thing happened and resolved pretty fast. Here's the story.
This takes place about a year or so ago.
I was at work at a fast food restaurant, trying to move two large buckets of fryer-oil at once to save time. At the same time I was going around the corner, my boss was coming over to ask me to do something, startling me.
So I stumbled, accidentally spilling fryer-oil (it was cooled down) all over my boss. She was already stressed out, and her assistant manager told the crew earlier that day that she might fire someone if they pranked or were rude to her. I was one of the only ones that actually treated the boss with respect, and never would have thought of pranking her.
She yelled "Eww!", and I panicked and immediately dropped the buckets and apologized over and over again for fear of being fired on the spot, she walked out of the room, and came back 5 minutes later, after cleaning up, to tell me that it was fine, and we all make mistakes.
TL;DR I almost got fired for spilling fryer-oil on my boss, but she realized it wasn't a prank and forgave my fuckup.
Bergmiester: Good thing it was cooled down. When I was in the Navy there was this dumb-ass cook who put a 5 gallon tin of oil in an oven for about an hour at 500 degrees. It was the type of oil that's a solid at room temperature and you have to warm it up first to pour it into the fryer. When he took it out of the oven it was too hot and burnt his hands through the hot pad holders which caused him to drop it. He got oil all over his hands, and it burnt him so bad that he was medically discharged from the Navy.
bradenbest: Ouch, sounds like an awful experience! Was he wearing any kind of protective insulation for his hands?
Bergmiester: Yes. Hot pad holders.
bradenbest: I'm not familiar with *solid oil heating practices*, if that's a thing; what was his mistake?
* Cooking too long?
* Temp too high?
* Too much oil?
* Improper handling?
Or is there another reason you think of him as a *dumb-ass*?
I'm not trying to "shame you" for calling him a dumb-ass or anything; I'm just curious about why, is all.
Bergmiester: The oil would have melted at a much much lower temperature. He could have caused a very large fire as well.
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1401089308 | 1401185143 | t3_26i867 | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending messages and picture meant for my girlfriend to her best friend instead.
This morning, I was getting ready to go out with my family and relatives to the beach. I decided to send my girlfriend a couple of sweet little messages and pictures before I left . I was in the bathroom at the time so I thought "what the hell, why not?" and took a picture of me posing for the camera in a suggestive way. I sent this and a suggestive/silly message as well. Something along the lines of "I'm not wearing any underwear under this ;)" (it was a picture of me in my swimming trunks and I don't usually wear underwear under those. Also keep in mind, the pictures weren't anything R rated, very PG in fact... Dodged a bullet there, it could've been way worse... )
The fuck up comes here. I thought I had sent it to my girlfriend. In actuality.... I sent it to her best friend(she's female as well)....
Now, I was at the beach with my family most of the day so I didn't hear about it until later when I checked my phone when we were already heading home (several hours later) I got a message from my girlfriend saying that her friend said I sent her weird messages.
The best friend replied to my messages kinda like "Dude it's me." like, do you know who you're talking to right now??
And my girlfriend knew the messages were meant for her because I used her nickname in them so she wasn't pissed or accusing me of anything, but we were both embarrassed as fuck... My girlfriend was embarrassed for me and I was very very embarrassed too.
I sent a couple of apology messages to her best friend, but she hasn't responded. I'm actually happy about that... I'm way too embarrassed to talk to her right now....
Reddit, TIFU...
TL;DR :sent my outrageously seductive and flirty pictures and messages to the wrong person
svennebanan19: Cheer up, it could be worse. Your girlfriend could be mad at you.
[deleted]: Yeah, for reals. I'm lucky I put her nickname, one that only I use for her, in the text. Otherwise she might think the pictures and messages were actually meant for her best friend...
The best friend on the other hand has yet to respond to my apologies. still too embarrassed to talk to her anyways...
This_Land_Is_My_Land: I want to say she's not responding so you can get over it, but obviously I don't know her or her tendencies.
But I think I speak for a few of us when I say "pls deliver update".
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1401107811 | 1401115320 | t3_26imk9 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by misunderstanding someone and going off at them in public, losing my job in the process
(This happened a long time ago but I never thought to post it)
A long time ago I used to work in a small restraunt as a server/waitress depending on which flavor of english you like. Getting hit on by people who are nice and/or creepy was just part of the job and you learn to deal with it. Now I would not consider myself unattractive I am short with a nice complexion, nice healthy hair and a curvy body (Probably because I'm short >.<) and I'm latin american so I have a little bit of exotic spice.
Well getting on one night I was working a saturday night which is one of the busiest nights for our restraunt and I'd been having an awful day due to a mental disorder that I unfortunately suffer from. I was in an absolutely sour mood and I was given the table of a guy who was sitting by himself. I got him some wine and I asked him what his doings were that night and he explained to me that he had just been dumped. I was in the most sour of sour moods and I don't really want to talk so I really shouldn't have said that but he insisted on making small talk with me. I tried going back to the kitchen and asking if someone else would take his table but no one would. I can't give the burden to anyone else so instead I'm trying to entertain him while I'm actually boiling in my skin and feeling very unstable.
So eventually I'm serving him and we begin to talk about things that we like (normal small talk stuff) and this is when he asks me with an awkward tone; "Are you into hardcore?"
Now here's the part where I'm a fucking stupid bitch. I feel that he was just there looking for sex on his saturday night and I get super offended so I yell at him loud so everyone can hear:
**YOU FUCKING CREEP, YOU SERIOUSLY THINK COMING IN HERE AND PROPOSITIONING ME FOR SEX WILL WORK? HIJO DE PUTA**
I realised I had just made a bad error and went back to the kitchen. The whole restraunt fell silent and all you could hear was the sound of a sparse knife touching a plate.
I walked straight out of there and into the kitchen where of course I was asked what the fuck I just did. I told them what had happened and they shat themselves laughing. "CAMILA, HARDCORE IS MUSIC. IT IS A STYLE OF MUSIC YOU DUMB CHOLA."
After this the manager talked to me and I explained to him that I'm not mentally well and he said "Well in that case I think it's in our best interest to let you go Camila, you should go and continue your treatment."
Well if there's any motivation to study English that is it.
**TL;DR**
**Misunderstood what someone meant and called someone a creepy son of a bitch in front of my whole workplace, lost my job**
[deleted]: No you didn't. You probably made this one up too.
breakingmad1: Agreed, ever since this place got made a default the stories have been odd
fredinvisible: On the day the sub became default we had 193,124 subs. We've almost doubled since then.
I also think that we will become a target to karmawhores posting fake stories for easy comment karma. It's a bad feeling.
[deleted]: You know what's a worse feeling? When something you do something bad and you just want someone to sympathize with you but instead you get people asking for nudes and saying you're making it up for internet points
I was here before this sub became default.
fredinvisible: Just to clarify, my comment wasn't about this post specifically, just the sub in general.
And I know you and I have certain viewpoints that we don't agree on, but some of the comments in this thread especially are just disgusting, and I'm sorry you have to put up with that.
[deleted]: Um, we have a history? I don't remember who you are.
Also I see what you're talking about I posted here a long time ago and the comments were so much better.
fredinvisible: I don't think we've personally conversed, but I've been present during some infamous threads on a certain country's subreddit, among other things.
[deleted]: Oh the kiwis...
Yeah that's not really a thing anymore. I don't even have any firearms and my boyfriend is in the ghetto somewhere pumping himself full of heroin. I try to take myself less seriously now and not get into that kind of situation again and I'm in treatment.
fredinvisible: I'm glad to hear it
[deleted]: The problem is with my reputation I can make posts in /r/againstmarijuana and people think I'm being serious
fredinvisible: Honestly, given your history, maybe you should consider making a brand new account and never linking it to this one. That way people will judge your posts on their own merit and not by any preconceived notions they might have.
[deleted]: I've been thinking about it but honestly fuck them I like my username and I shouldn't have to.
| 13 | 0.230769 | |
1401102761 | 1401468153 | t3_26iicb | t5_2to41 | 5 | fbifriday: My multi-day TIFU
This one is a short one, but a good one.
Saturday, I was opening my mail, just like I usually do, with my middle finger, and sliding it down the flap to open in. I've never gotten a paper cut doing so, until this day. Got a particularly nasty and deep one that started to bleed quite badly, so I quickly slapped a bandaid on and went about my day.
Fast forward until Sunday night, and I'm at work, and I go to use my hand sanitizer. Without thinking, I squirt it directly onto the cut. It immediately starts to burn, so I quickly try to wipe it off, but I can't get it all, it's deep in the cut and nothing will get it. So I decide that I'm going to quickly lick the cut, get the gel out, and I'll just deal with the taste afterwords.
It works, no more pain, but how wrong was I about dealing with the taste. There's no dealing with the taste, it's nasty as hell and it doesn't go away. It's been 5 hours since I licked it, and everything still tastes bitter.
TumultuousTwirl: Everyone knows that you have to chase that.
LaserSailor760: 1. lick salt
2. lick hand sanitizer
3. suck lemon
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1401108216 | 1401202355 | t3_26imxp | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by using a plastic bong
First time smoking weed. My friend went out and bought a bunch of stuff we could use, including a pipe, water bong, and sick as hell gun lighter.
Anyway, we went down to the parking lot because nobody goes there. We used the pipe first but it tasted worse than the bong, so we started using that more. After like 20 minutes we realized the plastic around the part where you light it has melted down completely to a stub. All that shit went into our lungs. We were basically inhaled all the plastic.
So now I'm super worried I'm gonna get lung cancer or some shit like that.
Hodorss: It doesn't sound like much. If we're talking firefighter's who need respirators to go into buildings, yea you breathe that shit in (the wiring, appliances, etc...) THAT is dangerous as HELL.
But dude plastic bong? Come on, roll some zigzags, fat blunts, do that shit right.
Pawn0: too poor for a real bong
Bigfrostynugs: A glass pipe is $10. Papers are 2.
Anyone so broke they have to use a plastic contraption is too broke to smoke weed
NancyFuckinGrace: well the kid is also probably like 16, I was the same way.
But now I have glass on glass and I feel so pro
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1401108030 | 1401246294 | t3_26imrk | t5_2to41 | 375 | rumpuncharoo: TIFU by helping my neighbour fix his hair
So I live in a basement apartment and there are 3 gentlemen who share the house upstairs. I was outside having a cigarette yesterday when one of the men came out and kicked up some conversation. He's an older man who is mostly bald except for a horseshoe of long, scraggly hair which he always wears in this little rat tail braid. He asked me if his hair was okay and, stupidly, I said it didn't look very neat. He then asked if I could fix it up for him and, stupidly, I said "sure!" So there I am undoing this wispy little braid and he says something along the lines of "Don't worry if there's stuff in there, it'll come out. My hair is clean, but I haven't taken the braid out in two weeks. I just wash it like that" I nearly threw up on him. I'm so glad his back was turned to me because my gag face was pretty obvious. Sure enough, little white fluffs and chunks started to come out with the braid. My hands have never felt so dirty. I'm pretty sure there was mold in that shit. Ughhh....
TL;DR - helped older neighbour with his hair, pretty sure it was moldy.
(Edit: typo)
Hodorss: I've learned my lesson man. I always say, yea sure i can do that, then you find out what your agreed to. NOPE, too late to back out...
rumpuncharoo: Sad but true. I wouldn't want to be a little bitch or anything.
Hodorss: I once agreed to give someone I barely knew a ride home, being a nice guy and all. Gives me directions, 20 minutes later i ask how far it is. Proceeds to tell me it's about another 40 minutes... I don't like that guy very much.
mask567: did he murder you?
Hodorss: Man i thought i was doomed, he put on his favorite band, which just happened to be some weird death metal about pain and it's salvation... Next time I'm saying no.
SuperFLEB: I picked up a drunk person waving down cars for a ride one night (Picked up? Didn't have my passenger door locked? I rolled with the punches.) After doing a full 360 to muttered "go right... straight ahead... go right", I realized that she was at the point where she might not be lucid enough to know where she lives... or stay awake in my car. Luckily she maintained enough spark so guide us out of orbit and off to the most convoluted, back-asswards way to get to a certain part of town I'd seen, and to a house which was apparently hers.
I'm usually fine with giving random strangers rides-- for some reason, I look trustworthy and gullible enough to get hit up (and I've got a debt to the universe when it comes to lost people waving down traffic) -- but it might be time to institute a BAC-level cutoff, if only for the continued safety of my upholstery.
| 7 | 53.571429 | |
1401112107 | 1401118664 | t3_26iqwq | t5_2to41 | 290 | [deleted]: TIFU by convincing my mother I was having Skype sex with my cousin
Wow... Someone has threatened to dox me due to this. Thanks guys.
http://i.imgur.com/QqfZLAN.png
I'm out.
[deleted]: So where do I find a sexy leggy French beautiful girl that wants to masturbate watching my flaccid dick, please?
oohhhhhyeah: Have you tried France?
PornoDrafter: ^or^ your^ mom's^ house... sorry.
oohhhhhyeah: Substitute "flabby, hirsute Scotch-Bulgarian senior citizen" for "sexy leggy French beautiful girl" and you're right on target. Have fun!
| 5 | 58 | |
1401113027 | 1401160833 | t3_26irz8 | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by turning my heater on too high.
It's currently 2am in NZ and I've just had the most devastating moment of my uni life. I have a 40% essay due tomorrow, which I'd all but finished 30 minutes ago.
Unluckily for me, the weather has turned to shit in NZ at the mo, and it's colder than I wanted it to be. Cold, as in "I have to put more than two layers on, this sucks". I have been sat at my desk all day writing this fucking essay, and it got a little cold so I figured i'd turn the heater on to keep my cosy while I write bullshit about beavers.
I turned the heater on too high, apparently, because it triggered the surge protection on my multi-plug. So the power cut to my pc, I'm sat staring at a blank screen thinking "Oh shit. Oh shit, it's gone". I go to turn my PC on but the fucking thing won't turn on. Turns out I managed to not only lose my work, but the computer must not have expected to be turned off either as my fucking hard-drive is busted now.
So there goes a 40% essay down the chute, with 15 hours to re-write the damn thing, all because of my cold legs. Mother-fucker.
hanshotfirs7: Is the computer not doing anything when you turn it on? Any beeps, lights flashing or steady, do you see the screen that comes on before the OS loading screen?
KingKidd: Agreed, the BIOS should boot even if the HD is fried...right?
PigsyDownAWell: Right. Sounds more like the PSU is fried. Hard to tell from his description tho.
ablan: I'm about 90% sure it's the hard-drive. The power supply is definitely working, I removed the hard-drive I had in and replaced it with an older hard-drive which boots up fine.
PigsyDownAWell: HD it is then, damn. Good luck with the essay man.
ablan: Got an extension until 10am tomorrow, so at least I have that going for me.
timpster1: Hey, and let me know if you get this comment, I'm quite sure reddit thinks I'm a bot...
Check out f.lux when you're on the PC at night, and use the Darkroom mode, it's amazing!
ablan: I can see this comment.
hanshotfirs7: If you can connect both hard drives at once and change the jumper settings so it boots from the old one... There is a slight chance you may be able to recover your file. I've had to recover files from crashed hard drives before, I've been fairly lucky myself and get most of what I need back. In my experience the OS files were corrupted first. But I have no idea what the odds are for your situation. Either way good luck my friend.
| 10 | 2.7 | |
1401116108 | 1401129227 | t3_26ivqt | t5_2to41 | 13 | ilofty: TIFU by going to uni.
OK, so I went to uni and dropped out after 1 year. But that wasn't my fuck up. The fuck up was and still is the debt I put myself into.
1 year on, moved out of parents and I'm still in a grands worth of debt. Not including fees and loans!
By now you're probably thinking, this isn't a fuck up from today, but, TODAY, I go full retard and forgot to check the amount of money that was available in my account, and find that after I had done my shopping, loaded it onto the conveyer belt, scanned it and went to pay, my card had been declined. I have no money. I now have to either put everything back, or find a way to pay it.. Thats when I said I'll check at the atm and never went back in. I was so embarrassed!
Going to uni was and still is the biggest fuck up off my life, and days like today remind me of what a fool I was and to anyone thinking of going, don't. Unless you really really want to. You will be spending so much money, for a bit of paper that doesn't guarantee you your desired job.
First day my tutors told me it's not what you know but who you know.
Twisted_Cuber: >> I'm still in a grands worth of debt
It may seem a lot to you right now but actually it is not that bad.
ilofty: I know it's not bad. But with my current situation, it's alot haha
HowObvious: Are you in the UK? your use of grand and uni make me believe you are. In which case how are you paying back your student loans? The system doesn't require any payments until you are earning over 21k a year and then its only 10% of the amount over 21k. If you are earning over 21k under the age of 25 you are doing pretty well for yourself.
ilofty: Yeh I'm in the UK, and I know I don't have to pay back and uni fees till I earn enough, but the 1k is my overdraft. And banks don't give a shit
zeritor: Then that's not a loan. If you went to Uni without taking out a Student loan and relied on your overdraft, then that's the real fuck up...
ilofty: No I got the loan, that covered housing costs. I got the student fee loan too to cover lessons, the overdraft is an overdraft
| 7 | 1.857143 | |
1401115171 | 1401256889 | t3_26iukq | t5_2to41 | 96 | TifuKikthrow: TIFU: By letting Kik import my contacts from my phone
I'm a closeted bisexual guy and I don't particularly want or need to come out. I sometimes use Kik to chat to guys when I'm horny and such. I often go weeks without using it though, so I delete it (to save space on my phone) and then reinstall it.
When I reinstalled it today, I accidentally clicked "import contacts from my phone". I googled how it works, and it finds people who have put their number into Kik from you phone, and brings them up for you to add. I didn't add any, but it also alerts them that there's a new person from their phone. I suppose when I clicked to do it, it added my number too. It immediately brought up about 20 people from my phone. I blocked a couple. Changed my profile name to "this was a bet" and picture to something innocent. But the name of my actual Kik account is pretty obvious. Guess I may have some explaining to do...I'm trying to think of a plausible story. Made a bet with my brother...lost, so he got to make an embarrassing Kik account and add everyone...?
None have talked to me or anything yet. I changed the settings back so it doesn't import anymore in.
I guess now I just sit and wait to see who noticed. But it gave me a heart attack.
Edit: seeing as I guess there will be some skepticism about how much of a fuck up it was...
My name was: "horny bi guy", my profile picture was of me so it's pretty obvious who it was, my add was also something explicit.
bigcrit941: this isn't even a fuck up unless your kik picture was of your dick or something
TifuKikthrow: Well..my picture wasn't of my dick, it was of my face. But my name was "horny bi guy" and my add is also something explicit...it may not be a huge fuck up to some people but I'm very self conscious, and as I said in the OP, I don't really want to be forced to come out. I don't feel it's necessary as I have no intention (right now at least) to settle down with another guy.
GRANMILF: if it makes you feel better, you have plenty of reddit guys who are willing to give you an "I've been there" blow job
ssjkriccolo: There's nothing manlier.
| 5 | 19.2 | |
1401120362 | 1401311122 | t3_26irtc | t5_2to41 | 5 | LouderBot: FUCK YOU
Sibire: **NO, FUCK YOU!!!**
Username__Irrelevant: **LOUD NOISES**
Sibire: **FROTHING! AT! THE! MOUTH!**
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1400997154 | 1401152668 | t3_26fgef | t5_2to41 | 7 | TheCowfishy: TIFU by trying to jump a hurdle
This happened Friday, but anyways I wanted to share. I was running the track at my school with some friends just messing around. There were some hurdles set up, and I decided it would be hilarious to jump over one. what I didn't realize was that this was one of the high hurdles, and having severely misjudged my jump height, I caught my ankles on the bar and fell forwards. My right foot jammed **hard** into the ground and I skinned my forearms and knees. My index toe's nail is now a deep purple and the whole area around the nail is swollen and pus-y.
Tesabella: One, either you're going to lose that nail or two, that nail's going to remain thick and purple and take several weeks to get rid of via natural growth. It's possible you've damaged the nail bed and you may want to see a doctor to ensure that it's not infected or get treatment if it is. Pus usually suggests infection or contamination. It may also be possible that you've broken the toe.
TheCowfishy: I'm taking some anti biotics already since I had part of the nail removed due to it being ingrown. The infection is starting to clear up but the toe is still sore
Tesabella: Well, when the antibiotics run out, get it checked just to make sure the infection's totally gone. No need to give infection a bone to chew on and get stronger from.
TheCowfishy: Very true. Thank you for the concern and advice kind stranger.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1401121457 | 1401454385 | t3_26j3ej | t5_2to41 | 4 | dubaitifu: Tifu by fixing myself in lift
Hey reddit i live in Dubai , UAE .. And today after swimming i had shower in the shower area outside swimming pool and put my T shirt and Jeans on and tool life to go my apartment which was on higher floor , Now once in lift there was a lady on it and as lift started going up i felt i need to do my belt properly so i turn my back toward that women and fix my belt once that's done i find out one of the buttons (my jeans have buttons instead of zip ) in undone so i was doing it when i heard click , Yes that lady took my picture from behind , And once i reach my floor she yells to me "OUT"
Now at first i don't realize anything so i say sorry and come out but later when i reached home i connected dots , her taking my picture and me doing my belt / zip while my back to her ....
Now here is the question
is it socially acceptable ? what you would do if you experience such stuff
Ritw now i am pretty upset about it the way that lady yelled "out" and i am not sure what she will do with that photo (with my back ) pass it to police ? for what reasons ?
so confused reddit !!!
dubaitifu: Yeah but i am a little worried don't know how they take it in uae ...
nl_kerp: Fuck dat bietch. Op dont worry
dubaitifu: Thanks , nothing happened so far :D
| 4 | 1 | |
1401111587 | 1401136652 | t3_26iqc7 | t5_2to41 | 163 | notapantsday: TIFU by assembling a grill on the toilet
So today on my way home I bought a new grill. I had to rush the last few meters because I felt an enormous pressure in my colon and was about to burst. I made it to the bathroom just in time. After the initial explosion only brought a partial relief, I realized that this was going to be a longer session. Well... might as well do something useful. In my hurry, I had taken the grill with me into the bathroom, so I opened the package to start putting it together. Everything went well until I tried to fumble a slightly misshapen nut onto a small screw. I just heard a "clunk" and the screw was gone. At first I thought "I can get it out, it's a little disgusting but I'll just wash it very well". Then I realized that I hadn't flushed yet and the bowl was still full of diarrhea. I weighed my options and then I flushed, tied my shoes and went off to the hardware store. It took me about an hour, but I think I couldn't enjoy the food from this grill otherwise.
saidyep: Don't you have a phone or something to play with on the toilet? The commode is no place for light construction
incognito_explosivo: It's a place for toilet destruction
Kowzz: Full bowel deconstruction.
| 4 | 40.75 | |
1401127141 | 1401218284 | t3_26jcc0 | t5_2to41 | 2,503 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my kid eat her own poop.
One day my infant daughter, who is crawling everywhere and learning to walk, took a pretty nasty, runny, stinky shit. So I do what I always do and pulled her diaper off and balled it up. Our trashcan is a straight shot from the living room, so I always try to toss it in the trashcan. It missed, so I carry on being lazy and "get to it later".
About 20 minutes later, the house is quiet and my wife looks at me and asks "where's kiddo?" and then goes into the kitchen. She slowly says "oh...my.....god...." and puts her hands up to her face and says "FalaSheo, get in here"
And there she was. Kiddo had the diaper ripped open. Shit on the floor. Shit on the cabinets. Shit on her hands, feet, belly, in her hair...Shit everywhere. And she sat there, with shit all over her face and mouth, with a huge smile like she was having a grand ol time finger painting the kitchen with shit while getting a mid day snack in too. She *liked* her poop. WTF kid?
I never felt like such a terrible parent.
inkybubbles: You left poop on the floor for 20 minutes...? You were just asking for trouble.
[deleted]: We learned that lesson the hard way. Hasn't happened since!
Tsuken: I'm honestly a bit shocked that it happened *once.*
[deleted]: srsly...who makes 'mistakes' these days anyway. psht. huff. tbbhlllt. huh.
dexmonic: Apparently people who are totally fine with shit covered items being left on the floor of the same room they prepare food in. This goes beyond mistake and blasts into disgusting human levels.
[deleted]: Ah - clearly you've never had a child.
dexmonic: I seriously hope that having kids doesn't somehow turn me into a lazy poop hoarder.
PresidentCelestia: It doesn't, it just makes you more busy.
Dick.
dexmonic: Oh the irony. Go kick your dog or something, you obviously need to get some frustration out. I hear that people like you get great satisfaction bringing others down to your miserable level. Trust me, I do not give a single fuck if you think I'm a dick. But I'm sure kicking your pets will give you the look of pain you need to feel better.
But I'm the dick because I don't like poop on my floor? Do you understand how stupid you sound?
PresidentCelestia: >I do not give a single fuck if you think I'm a dick.
Then why reply with all of this?
>you obviously need to get some frustration out.
I think you do.
>But I'm sure kicking your pets will give you the look of pain you need to feel better.
Tell me about your childhood.
dexmonic: You are so desperate for attention you think me simply replying to you means I actually have an interest in you?
Hahaha. You poor, poor lonely person. Get over yourself. Don't project your frustration onto me because I called you out for being an unintelligent twat. Whoever made such an impression on you that you think using the same insults against me that I used on you actually constitutes wit did you a great disservice.
As you haven't stopped trying to make me feel bad about myself (I seriously don't know why you would say any of the stuff you said, unless that's just how you talk to everyone) I can only assume you like to hurt those that can't protect themselves.
If you truly want to insult me at least don't just repeat what I said to you. It makes you look even less capable. Your replies basically boil down to "not uh! You are!"
Looking forward to your next reply, here's to hoping you've learned how to come up with something original in the mean time.
But again, don't assume just because I reply to you that you actually have anything worthwhile offer. Your types are just funny to watch run around in circles, even if you can't actually provide any momentum to the conversation.
I expect the best you will come up with is "lulz you wrote a lot, must mean I am smart and interesting and I trolled this guy so hard lluullllzzzz"
PresidentCelestia: Tell me dexmonic, did your parents hit you as a child?
dexmonic: Ah Damn, too stupid to even come up with something new. You already used that line.
Or...what response were you expecting? For a pony fucker you sure are an asshole. I thought u fags were about kindness or some shit?
PresidentCelestia: How'd you know I like the show?
But still, you're a douche. Making fun of someone for liking a show? I'm just a random person you'll never meet on the internet. You're straining your brain cells much to much, writing these inspirational, deep sentences.
xoxoxo.
dexmonic: Lol if you think clownin your sorry ass takes effort you are in an even sadder state of mind than I thought. Poor dude, hopefully you can cry your tears away in your plush pony dolls
PresidentCelestia: I love how you realized you were being a douche and had no right reason to argue, so you just pull up that I like MLP.
Again, xoxoxo.
dexmonic: That's seriously how you interpreted what I said. Seriously? Fuck, you are actually stupid. I was just making fun of you, I didn't think you actually were as stupid as I said until now. Because you would have to be pretty Damn stupid to take what I said as an admittance of guilt and blame shifting. Seriously bro, you got pony rot on your dick that has spread to your brain apparently.
I wasn't being a dick in my first post but as soon as you showed up I had plenty of a good reason to be. Your pony fucking habit just happened to provide ample ammunition for me.
PresidentCelestia: When did I ever say I fuck ponies for a living?
Edit : Are you looking through my comment/post history? I mean not to be rude but still.
xoxoxo.
dexmonic: I actually know you in real life and have been wanting to call you out for a long time. I really, really don't care to look through your post history.
PresidentCelestia: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Don't say that.
| 21 | 119.190476 | |
1401133466 | 1401136108 | t3_26jm7n | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU bad [serious]
I don't want the negative comments about what I did. I have no where else to go with this issue so I decided to share and maybe get positive feedback or help from you nice reddit people.
I am so in love with my current boyfriend. In all honestly, he is so perfect to me in every way possible. He is what I fantasized about when I was younger. I love him so much and I'd never ever want to do anything to hurt him. I go out of my way and bend backwards for him because I truly and deeply care for him in every way imaginable. (Also we are both in our early 20s, and have been dating for a couple of years) we live together and have been for about a year now. And it's very rare that we ever argue. We are very open to communication with each other instead of the yelling and crap. Anyways, He's very jealous of the friends I have because some of which are guys. My guy friends, are friend zoned so badly I see them as females. I have this one guy who is my best friend, whom I've known for about 10 years. In no way imaginable, am I at all attracted to him. My boyfriend is incredibly jealous of him and it has been irritating me a little bit lately. But let me get the story out of the way. My boyfriend is gone for a few months for school, he's in this volunteer program in Africa, (we live in New York) I miss him terribly and we call each other every single night. I've been hanging out with my friends, which is no big deal but my boyfriend always got jealous, and would guilt trip me every time I even talked about hanging out with my friends. Which would irritate me to no end. I promised myself and him that nothing would ever happen. Well. Last night I fucked up. I was hanging out with my best friend and we were both so incredibly drunk, we made out and I let him finger me. I did not however feel anything whilst doing this with him. No feelings of affection, none of that like I feel like with my boyfriend. I didn't even finish/ climax, I immediately regretted the decision and broke down crying. I cried with my best friend for about 3 hours before I finally went home. Feelings of regret, guilt, shame. Thoughts of, I don't even want to say it, hurting myself or even thoughts of ending my life have come across my mind because of the tremendous guilt I feel. The pain in my chest is so bad, I honestly feel like I'm just going to stop breathing at any moment. I also feel like I did this because I miss him so much, and just the comfort of being around the safety of a guy. I also keep calling my best friend my boyfriends name sometimes on accident because I miss him so much and he's always on my mind. I'm going to go talk to a councilor soon because I need to do something about this and I don't know what else to do. There's no way in hell I could ever tell my boyfriend. I want to break up with him because I feel like I fucked up so badly, and if I ever did tell him, he would never ever trust me and i know that. I'm going to live with this guilt and this terrible decision for the rest of my life. Never even in my past relationships when it wasn't as serious, have I done anything close to this. And now I feel like I've just fucked up my entire future with the man I am so in love with. I wish so badly I could turn back time and chose not to do that. Part of me says, it's ok, I'm so young still, talk of marriage hasn't even happened with us yet, it's a pretty serious relationship, yes, but also at the same time, we are so young still, and early on in the relationship, but I can't tell myself that because that's not an excuse and neither is being drunk, and this was a huge mistake and I know that. But it happened and I need to try to live with it. I'm still crying as I type this, I can't eat, or sleep. I know I'm beating myself up for it way more than I should. I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I let myself cheat on my boyfriend.
Herpepotamus: EDIT: I didn't phrase that very well. You both fucked up but it was a dick move for him to do that when he knew the situation. You say he's your "best friend". He's obviously not.
lumby4lyfe: She made the conscious decision to cheat on him. Drunk or not, that's her mistake.
Herpepotamus: Yeah I know, I clarified below. They both made mistakes. I was just making the point that he obviously isn't a "best friend" if he made a move like that.
lumby4lyfe: Didn't catch that. My bad. Downvote revoked.
Herpepotamus: Yeah it was written really badly and I said "taking advantage" which probably made it worse.
| 6 | 2.666667 | |
1401133725 | 1401188951 | t3_26jmo7 | t5_2to41 | 39 | TheCottageisonFire: TIFU by believing I could hold in a pee
Just a few minutes ago I was out in downtown Chicago with my brother. Breeze to my back, outfit looking great I thought it was going to be an amazing way to end an otherwise splendid Memorial day weekend.
However circumstance and a large Mcdonalds iced coffee I had consumed an hour earlier intervened. As we're coming out of a fashion boutique we stopped to take some pictures. As we're getting ready to leave it hits me in the car. An agonizing swelling and tumultuous pain. I shivered and endured in a vain effort of stoicism. However as the car slowly started getting underway I immediately opened the door and jumped out.
My brother uttered a cry of concern and curiosity. I hopped about like a fool and did a dance in the hopes of appeasing the God of urine to stave off his unholy flood from this crisp new pair of pants.
Tranquility washed over me and the tide retreated from whence it came. I got back in the car and felt new found enthusiasm. However the second I sat down the deity of urine made it clear. That on this day he was not giving quarter but gathering force. Instantaneously my pants began to darken and my seat grew cold. For the first time in 20 years I had in fact pissed my pants.
TLDR: Pissed my pants.
el_crunz: No worries, it happens to me every several years. I wish there were more public washrooms.
ImShadow: I specifically hate when a place has a "paying customer only" restroom.
i_woulddothat: Ya, but are they going to cut you off mid poop?
ImShadow: Not really but some places have a key or a passcode that you need to enter
| 5 | 7.8 | |
1401134912 | 1401137708 | t3_26jomy | t5_2to41 | 10 | fitfortifu: TIFU by threatening to kill my girlfriend
I just lost the plot. I found out she had been lying to me about taking drugs and when I called her out on it I went ballistic.
I was talking to her over the phone and said that if she was in front of me she wouldn't be alive, then continued to reel off a list of the most horrible things I could think of saying about her.
Of course, she won't talk to me and has ended the relationship now. I've had anger management problems in the past but managed to keep it under control until this point.
So fucking pissed off with myself that I let it surface and have lost the woman I was in love with. I feel incredibly isolated and simply don't know what to do.
Anyway I just needed to get it out somehow, I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this.
ChicBrit: If this had been a face to face row would it have been any different? Would it have actually gotten violent?
fitfortifu: No, it wouldn't have. I just felt the need to threaten her or scare her or something. It was a thoughtless process
ChicBrit: I'm really sorry how its worked out. You're not blameless but I know how easy it is to fly off the handle then instantly regret it.
fitfortifu: I guess we weren't in the best relationship anyway, but no one deserves to be spoken to like that and I feel powerless to fix it at all.
Thanks for replying
[deleted]: I think you just hit the nail on the head there. If someone is making you feel that stressed out that you react like that, whether it is something they are doing or if its you being insecure or whatever, it is not healthy and you shouldn't be together. I've stayed with people too long and that we shouldn't have broken up a long time before hand and we end up saying stuff we don't mean (not as bad this though) and hating each other. If it is toxic and things aren't making you/them happy, you just have to leave.
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1401135623 | 1401151353 | t3_26jpq5 | t5_2to41 | 20 | CosmicTitties: TIFU by throwing a party
I threw a party at my house last night while my parents were at their cabin. My step-mom left her wedding ring at home while they went so she wouldn't lose it, and someone stole it. She hasn't told my dad yet. I'm fucked. It's a 5,000 dollar ring.
Priest_Fondler: Your parents:
TIFU by not getting an abortion 18 years ago.
thatlazydude: You just won the internet.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1401137476 | 1401146223 | t3_26jssa | t5_2to41 | 10 | Johnny_Tempest: TIFU By using a regular sock to Masturbate [NSFW]
I'm 16 years old, I'm in my Bathroom, thankfully my bathroom has a lock on it. My School had very beautiful girls. [If you know who the fuck I am, I'm sorry, but I was a horny bastard]
. . . So it was easy to use my imagination to _do the deed with the D_ anyway, I'd been using my right hand and then my left hand interchangingly for a while now, so I wanted to do something different.
I decided to use one of my socks, only problem is that when I was 16, I had no idea people used lube, so I'm _raw-doging_ it and it feels good for a while, but then it started to hurt, I look down at my _cocksock_.
It's Fucking Bleeding. Yep, my glans [The head of the penis] was bleeding, it hurt like fuck. I'm uncircumcised as well so trying to pull my foreskin back over it was a major no-no.
I remembered [When I used to masterbate, I was able to block out what I heard around me and just imagined female voices.] So, I turn to my left and remember. I supposed to have a fucking bath. I have a bleeding cock, and I'm getting into hot water? FUCK!!!!
Well, I use the bath [Can't waste hot water] My penis is in agony. Thankfully the bleeding stopped when I put baby powder on my dick.
[Quick tip, If you want to have a tight vagina to penetrate,just try to blow some flour down there. It may work, but you will need to clean up after your done.]
Anyway I get out of the bath and into my bed, my mother sees the bloody sock. I being the smooth little bastard that I am, say that My foot got cut on a rock. [I put on a bandaid on my foot just for safe measure]
She never learned the truth.
Also, . . . Yes, I did finish.
EDIT: THIS HAPPENED 4 YEARS AGO.
No_Excuses_: She knows.
breasticon: SHE CAN SMELL YOUR BABY POWDER.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1401137959 | 1401242386 | t3_26jtj3 | t5_2to41 | 13 | trowawaysw87: @ TIFU bad [serious]
dotamen: How was that a fuck up? Sounds like your BF is a dick and you did yourself a favour.
I have old friends (2 to be exact) who now do nothing unless it is with their SO. When I say "old friends", I literally mean we aren't friends anymore. Not because we don't like each other anymore, but simply because their SO made it a "me or them" issue. I speak to them from time to time, neither of them really have friends, they have colleagues some acquaintances (I count myself to that group now) and then the rest is all about their SO.
Every aspect of their life is under scrutiny by their SO, they can't go have a drink with some mates, because the SO will have no control over where/who/what/when/how/why/???.
It is like they have regressed into toddlers, but these toddlers have a full time job, responsibilities and no play time or nap breaks.
I hope for them the sex is amazing, because furthermore it didn't seem worth it looking from the outside in.
festess: Are you joking? You don't see how she fucked up? BF is getting a bit jealous of her friends so she goes and gets fingered by one of said friends that BF was getting jealous of?
If you are feeling too controlled, you try and sort it out with him, and failing that you break up with him. You don't go and cheat on him. And given that it was with said friend it seems BFs suspicions were right on the money.
dotamen: Oh, I am not saying she handled the situation well, but as I said, in the long run I feel she did herself a favour.
The real fuck up is that she didn't just break up with him (and still hasn't...).
On the other hand, if she really does love him, and she really didn't feel anything for that other guy, and really didn't enjoy that night. Well, then I don't see the point of telling him, because at that point, are you telling him, because you think it is "fair" to him, or because you just can't handle feeling bad about yourself?
The whole "relationships are built on 100% truth" is such idealistic naive bullshit.
festess: I know you're not asking me, but if I was the guy I would DEFINITELY want to know. If she's willing to get fingered by some guy who she feels nothing for he's better off getting out of this relationship ASAP.
dotamen: Well imo there is a huge difference between
>I willingly and knowingly got fingered by this guy, I did it to spite you, I hate you and am in fact in love with this guy
and
>I got stupidly drunk and fucked up
But that's me, and going by the TL;DR OP, I am going to take a wild guess, and say her BF isn't going to see it that way.
festess: So are you saying that even if you're 100% in love with someone, dedicated to them and eyes only for them, if you drink enough you're liable to finger/get fingered by someone else?
dotamen: Sure, why not. It has to be a fuck up though, i.e., there was little to no intent.
So no, "I cheated by fucking this guy, but I was drunk, so it was k"
Because I see what slippery slope you are heading towards, the one where everything becomes dismissible, if you just get yourself drunk/stoned/inebriated in other ways, which is absolutely not what I am trying to say.
However, I think perspective and priorities are important to get right.
If she had gotten behind a steering wheel drunk, and then crashed the car, would you have dumped her? Odds are most people wouldn't.
Yet I would consider doing that, DUI, to be so much worse than getting fingered.
IMO people need to get things into perspective, she got amazingly drunk, she misses the comfort of her BF, she is in the company of a long time good friend -> she got fingered. She didn't enjoy it, it meant nothing to her, it was a fuck up.
Unless of course she does this repeatedly, in which case I would start to be a bit skeptical about the "I don't love this guy, I didn't enjoy it" part.
However, as this was not a repeat event, but a one time fuck up, with all the wrong ingredients in the wrong setting and time, I would say it ain't that big of a deal.
Stupid? Yes. Anything more than that? Not really...
But like I said, I get the impression I have a more laid back view on this than most people on this sub, not that it makes me a better person, just makes me a different person :D
festess: That's a very clever example with the DUI and it really did have me thinking. I sort of agree in a detached sense.
But on a personal level, the difference is that cheating is a direct challenge to a mans entire biological purpose of being in that relationship. It's the ultimate biological loss in the game of life for a man. A DUI is definitely worse to society but cheating is worse to a man's position in a relationship.
I'm not saying the biological/evolutionary point of view is the only one to take in a relationship, but to me at least it would really fucking rile me if I was the one taking care of a woman's emotional needs whilst she went out and got fingered by her mates.
dotamen: Don't get me wrong, I was not trying to somehow convince people to agree with me with that example. I merely wished to clarify, more or less, why I feel/think the way I do about these kind of issues, as to give some insight as to why I made the initial post of mine in this thread.
The large, glaring fallacy in my example, of course is the one you pointed out. I made DUI out to be worse than cheating, which for most people won't add up on a personal level, yet it is still the way I feel about it.
Thank god we aren't all the same, or reddit would be a boring fucking place to be.
festess: yeah amen. i get your logic. ive just entered an LDR and atm im particularly sensitive to cheating GF stories ;p i was trying to pick your brains on the matter rather than debate you!
PBborn: Shes gonna cheat on you.
festess: what makes you say that?
PBborn: Jk man.
| 14 | 0.928571 | |
1401137748 | 1401181191 | t3_26jt7j | t5_2to41 | 160 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating a fruit salad.
Today I finally managed to take my crush of 3 years on a date. It's our last year of college, and I figured it was now or never. She's way out of my league and a gymnast. However, being the sweet girl she is, she agreed to have lunch with me. Having her not instantly turn me down like every other girl was the happiest moment of my life.
Fast forward to lunch time, I took her to a nice restaurant with a relatively healthy menu. She had had a Cesar salad, and I took the "exotic fruit salad" (it was intended for desert, but I thought a healthy choice would impress her). I consumed my salad and began to converse in some painfully awkward conversation about the Olympics. I clearly had no idea what I was talking about and things were going rapidly down hill. She tried to help the situation by asking me about Dark Souls 2 because her little brother loves it. It was great until she stopped mid-sentence and basically asked what was wrong with my face. Realizing my mouth and eyes were itchier than usual I decided to take a quick bathroom break, only to realize I was beginning to look like Will Smith in that food poisoning scene from Hitch. I freaked out and started running cold water all over my face, I was having trouble breathing and panicked bad. I ran back to the table where she was sitting looking incredibly uncomfortable and concerned. I tried to play it cool, but it was so clear I was completely fucked. A lot of people in the restaurant were now noticing my frantic attitude and hemorrhoid of a face. She asked multiple times for us to leave and go to a hospital, but I refused desperately trying to make this date happen. She asked over and over again if i'm okay, and insisted on leaving. Every time I responded "i'm fine" my emotions grew stronger. Knowing my only chance with her was ruined, I broke down crying whilst mumbling "please i'm okay, this happens a lot". A short while later she got up and left because well, i'm a fucking moron. I sat there alone and cried until an ambulance arrived. Turns out i'm allergic to Kiwi fruit.
TL;DR took a hot girl on a date, broke down crying after salad.
EDIT: I don't know guys, I just really never felt the urge to try kiwi fruit. I didn't even know it would be in the salad. I'm also allergic to mango.
[deleted]: Just as a heads up, kiwi fruit allergies tend to overlap with a lot of other allergies. If you don't already know if you're allergic to latex, avocados, bananas, or a any other fruit, keep an eye out for that.
EDIT: However, if you get a second date and discover a latex allergy at the most inopportune moment, be sure to update us!
kingsal: OP should test for a latex allergy first. Polyurethane condoms are available and effective against STDs and pregnancy.
[deleted]: No, OP should put latex on his junk while this girl is around. That is clearly the best plan.
bonkx4: he'd get karma for persistance.. "Nah, I'm fine, this happens a lot" might not cut it though
i_woulddothat: Or the swelling may benefit him?
| 6 | 26.666667 | |
1401137445 | 1401152076 | t3_26jsqm | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting a computer without a CD/DVD drive.
Last month actually, which makes my fuck up all the more ridiculous. I got my new computer during the leadup to finals, so I wasn't really doing anything other than final papers and the occasional netflix and game run.
Because all my games and movies stream or are downloaded, I never really needed my slot before, so when I got a new computer I guess I just didn't even think about it.
Well, today I went to go install my graphic tablet software for my wacom bamboo. Been too busy and tired to do it until now. And what do you know? I don't have a CD/DVD drive. Uhh...
I am not an observant person.
creamersrealm: Most manufacturers even say go online to download the latest driver. Optical drives are on their way out.
Source : I'm a geek
PBborn: Their*
I'm a Nazi.
creamersrealm: I can see that and thank you.
PBborn: But I give upvotes.
| 5 | 2 | |
1401137348 | 1401195369 | t3_26jskg | t5_2to41 | 31 | PIGEONPIGEONPIGEON: TIFU by hiring someone questionable to take care of my pets while I went on vacation
So I'm going on vacation for a month, and I can't leave my home without getting someone to take care of my pigeons. Okay okay, I have a couple of pigeon loving aquaintances, this should be easy. I phone a woman I know, she agrees to come every day in the morning to feed and water the birds. Everything taken care of, I give my favourite pair of the 26 pigeons (Named Tenor and Nemo) a cuddle goodbye, and leave to Brasil.
I arrive back home a month later, and there are only 4 pigeons to be seen in the loft. Panic rising in my throat, tears already welling in my eyes (a rat had once eaten its way inside the loft and murdered 2 pigeons, I've been scared of a repeat incidence ever since), I call the woman. "Oh yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, I forgot the door to the loft unlocked a little while ago and uhhhhh, some raccoons broke in and uhh, ate all your birds. I buried them tho."
Here's me a while ago with one of my birds, Ice.
http://imgur.com/I1LUyDy
tehtonym: What the fuck, who keeps that many free-range pigeons?
PIGEONPIGEONPIGEON: I rescue them, so there aren't generally more than 30 rescues at a time. I've had over 200 over the years, though
johnnythornton: So... Are you like a 1930's New York Jewish-Italian Mobster who works primarily as a longshoreman?
SeniorDiscount: No, she's the old lady from *Home Alone 2: Lost in New York*
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1401138500 | 1401140511 | t3_26judq | t5_2to41 | 22 | EnerGeTiX618: TIFU: Picked up a guy walking in the cold & misheard where he lived, which gave me a 3 hour round trip drive to take him home, after working a 12 hour shift & had to be back in 12 hours for another shift.
This happened in early winter last year. So I got off a 12 hour shift night shift at work @ 5:30 AM & started my 35 minute drive home, drove past a guy with both his arms crossed obviously freezing walking down the highway. I don't make it a habit to pick up strangers, but felt really bad for this guy, because for him to have walked where he was, that meant an awful lot of people went right past him (I didn't see any broken down vehicles on the way), and it was quite cold out to have no jacket, just a sleeveless shirt. So I turned around, found him & asked where he was heading.
I thought he said the same town I live in, so told him get in! He was so happy to be warm and get off his feet. He told me he'd been walking for hours. Had some crazy story about how he got on a train with some girl to make sure she got home & there wasn't another train to take him home. Not well thought out, but things happen... I should have realized it wasn't my town at all, as there aren't any passenger trains from there, but I was tired & it didn't cross my mind. So I proceed to drive into the town I live in, then ask, "where do I turn?" He looks completely confused, "where ARE we?", he asks. So I pull into a Burger King parking lot & go to put his address in the GPS, then he says the name of the city he lives in, which I correctly heard this time, & I realized it wasn't my town at all, it was 90 miles further south! What do I do now? I have to get home & get to sleep to go do another 12 hour shift!
So I told him "I can't drive you all the way down there! Wait, you really planned on walking 90+ miles?" I asked him why didn't you just wait for the trains to start up again in the morning, well he didn't have any money for a ride home. Very poorly thought out! I wanted to take him to the highway or to a truck stop, but he looked so exhausted, I couldn't just drop him off after telling him I'll take you home... So got on the highway & proceeded to go south. As I near his city, I asked why he didn't have anyone that could pick him up. Oh, turns out his girlfriend that lives with him could have, but she didn't want to wake the kids. WTF? I couldn't even believe what I was hearing. His story had a lot of holes in it. Why is he on a train with some other girl if he has a girlfriend? None of my business....
Nearly 80 minutes later, we get into his town, of course he lived by the furthest exit on the south side of that city, finally he directs me to his apartment & I let him out. Now to drive another 80 minutes to get home. The whole time I was driving, I'm wondering if this guy had drugs on him. If I got pulled over & he did have something he shouldn't have, would the cops actually even believe I kindly & stupidly picked up a guy walking down the road?
Well that was my good deed for awhile! No more picking up strangers. I've only done it 3 times in my life, 1st time it was raining, hard. The second time was on the same highway again after a night shift & the guy actually did live in my town, he got drunk & got in a fight with his buddies, who made him leave, that went fine. Took him to the car dealership he worked at where he went in & likely took a car home.
If I had been forced to walk a long way because something went wrong, I'd hope someone would help me out, so I put myself in their shoes if you will.. I always tell these people "you better not pull a knife or try anything crazy" & watch for any odd behavior. I'd like to think I can pick if someone is crazy & shouldn't let them in, but truth is I've simply gotten lucky 3 times, but so did those other people that no one else was going to help.
Typed this on my mobile so give me some slack regarding grammar.
Edit: All a man has is his word, you tell someone you're going to help them out, regardless of a misunderstanding, I couldn't just tell him, "oh well, best of luck to you!"
faysel3: Damn how did you keep your concentration while driving for so long? I think I would have collapsed in my car after a 12 hour shift, at least taken a 20 minute nap.
EnerGeTiX618: Been doing these 12 hour shifts for about 6 years, usually after night shift I'll stay up for a few hours & sleep in until I have to get up & get ready, same if I'm on day shift, then I work 5:30 AM - 5:30 PM & I'll stay up until 10 or 11 PM sometimes. Turned out the guy liked the same music as me, so turned up the stereo system & drove, it was nice & sunny, just cold! I don't know what this dude was thinking! I mean who just goes & walks 90 miles? Or was he going to walk until the kids woke up? Didn't make any sense...
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1401139633 | 1401144022 | t3_26jw5i | t5_2to41 | 23 | Gaget: [Meta] Could we get a no feces or urination rule here?
Seems like this since this place became a default more often than not the top post is a story about some poor person defecating or urinating on themselves or someone else.
I get the appeal, kinda. The stories are funny, but this subreddit is quickly becoming /r/todayipoopedmyself. It is getting old. We need some more variety in posts and I think the poop stories are like memes. They'll always get more upvotes in a shorter amount of time than any other sort of content here.
Maybe the mods could try a week with no shit posts (har har) and see how it goes?
Anyway, I contacted the mods here and they told me to make this meta post and see what everyone thought.
imamfmonster: But... poop is funny!
thatlazydude: No shit, Sherlock.
imamfmonster: I was quoting It's Always Sunny though
thatlazydude: I was just making a poop pun
imamfmonster: Ahhhh I see, sorry, I'm feeling a little poopy today so I guess that's why I didn't see it
thatlazydude: No worries. I gets it. Shit happens
| 7 | 3.285714 | |
1401139155 | 1401183545 | t3_26jvex | t5_2to41 | 21 | That_guy_tye: TIFU by trusting my fart.
I'm going to bring you in quickly. Today for Memorial Day party, my fiancé and I visited some very very well off family members of hers that I had never met. When I say "well off" I mean very straight laced, white collar, wealthy wealthy people; very nice but just more than I'm accustom to.
Now, this party that we attended was full of probably 15-20 people that I had never met before, we are playing corn hole (bags) nears the Olympic sized swimming pool. Now, earlier in the day the owner of the house made it very clear, if you had to pee just run around the corner of their house and let it go. Mind you, we are in Texas so this isn't something that is very uncommon, so I didn't think twice about it. After about 7-8 beers, a nice little buzz, and a really full bladder I run around to the side of the house to take care of business. While letting things go, I get the urge to let one rip. Not thinking too much into it, maybe because I was have wasted or just because this is standard feeling, I let the most earth shattering sound out. It took me about 2 seconds to realize that it wasn't just wind that came out. I suddenly feel warmth running down my thigh and disbelief in my heart. I just shit myself...in public...with people that are going to be future family. I quickly cup the bottom of the golf shorts that I am wearing and make a bee line to one of many back doors. I attempt to select the one farthest from anyone, in hopes that they don't smell the shame and shit running down my leg. Door number 1...LOCKED! I finally make it to an unlocked door that is relatively close to the table full of people that I had just met 4 hours prior. My fiancé stops me just as I cross the threshold of the door and asks where I'm going. "Ummmm, going to the bathroom". Luckily at this point, she had a much better buzz than I did and didn't notice that I was leaned over clutching the bottom of my shorts to stop my "shame" from creeping out. Once in the house, I have to strategically move up stairs to the bedroom that we are going to be staying in without coming in contact with another person. Success!! Once I make it to the bathroom, I discovered the damage and it looked like my asshole exploded. Shit everywhere!!! I quickly undress and take all of the contaminated clothes into the shower with me to rinse out. I attempt to wash off the shame and embarrassment as quickly as possible, so nobody would notice that I was gone. After I was able to get clean, I dry off and put on a pair of swim trunks and and tee shirt, and make my way back down to join the party. Not one person realized what happened.
The_Imerfect_Mango: Oh come on, one of the first things they teach you hear on Reddit is to "never trust a fart." Looks like you need to stay on more. That said, I am sorry for your experience, but hey, at least you got away with it. By the way, you missed your chance to TL;DR Shit just got real. ;)
derfla2014: But look at all the literally funny SHIT that happens when people trust the fart :P
| 3 | 7 | |
1401137784 | 1401204651 | t3_26jt99 | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU by downloading 50 Shades of Grey.
This was actually more like a year ago, but I'm dealing with it now.
So I saw a free sample of 50 Shades that I could DL on my phone. I figured it was a great way to satisfy my curiosity without paying money or being seen holding the book. How would anyone know what I was reading, right?
Well, I read the first half a chapter and promptly lost interest long before I get to any of the freaky stuff you hear about. Then I realized. I can't delete the damned thing.
The books I actually read on there are classics that have gone public domain. Dickens. Twain. Bla bla. The books the app "thinks I'd like"? 50 Shades Darker. Other crappy romance novels.
And now that I've upgraded my phone, I've realized how bad it is. For a second, I had a button that allowed you to scroll through your free and choose which to read. There, prominently displayed, right behind The Secret Garden, is the most embarrassing book possible. I had to take the button off, but I'm still living in fear someone looks at my library.
Wolog: Today you fucked up by caring way too much about what other people think of your reading choices.
It's a book. You started reading it and you didn't like it. What opinion are you worried people are going to form about you?
cabothief: Do you get embarrassed about anything?
Because 50 Shades is embarrassing.
Edit: Would it help if I add that I'm a high school teacher? Who uses her phone in public?
Sigh. Didn't think so.
Ssilversmith: I found it embarassing to read due to the fact its an exagerated representation of BDSM, the majority of the book is a purley fictional display that, un fortuantly, to many people are taking as gospel. The embarassing part isn't that I know about kink, its having to explain that Fitty Shades aint me.
Wiiplay123: Imagine [Gilbert Gottfried reading it](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5K1RcKJVbHA). It's way better that way.
Ssilversmith: I think they actualy had him read an excerpt once.
Wiiplay123: I don't think you saw the link.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5K1RcKJVbHA
Ssilversmith: I only just woke up when I typed that. Yeah, I missed it.
| 8 | 3.625 | |
1401140772 | 1401179530 | t3_26jxz6 | t5_2to41 | 10 | TIFUTHROWAWAY52614: TIFU by having explosive diarrhea in my basketball championship game.
This is a throwaway account, have of the team goes on reddit.
So, my high school basketball team, the Dallas Riders, (Take note, uniform ALL WHITE with a green horse on the jersey) were about to play our final game of the year, the championship, in fact. Thinking I needed energy before the game, I went to taco bell and got a massive burrito, cheese, meat, shitloads of sauce, beans, rice, all that good stuff. Then, an hour later, in the locker room, my stomach rumbles. I ignore it, and we walk out onto the court. The first quarter, my stomach is growling. I play on, and begin the second quarter. I lay up the ball, and score. Then, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I felt my anus burning, and I attempted to call a time out, but I shit, everywhere. I let loose. As my teammate sings "Let it go" from the movie "Frozen", I run to the locker room, leaving a trail of wet shit on the wooden floors. There Is a huge shit stain on my white shorts, and my shit is trickling down my legs. The crowd laughs, and some guy in the back yells "I KNEW THIS GUY WAS SHITTY". I stood in the locker room for the rest of the game, and I quit the team. We lost too, 102-98. My parents told me I couldn't sit in the car, so I walked home, anus burning, smelling like shit. (LIFE LESSON: DO NOT EAT BEFORE PLAYING SPORTS. ESPECIALLY TACO BELL.)
TL;DR: Ate taco bell before basketball game, shit everywhere in mid-game.
ScreamPunch: 102-98
I believed until then
Saelstorm: For me it was until "I KNEW THIS GUY WAS SHITTY".
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1401139282 | 1401151159 | t3_26jvm7 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by destroying a perfectly good pair of jeans
So where to begin.
It was around 2:30am and I was quite hammered. Been drinking since 1pm that day due to the glorious weather we received. God is good. I decided to get food and vaguely recall ordering pizza, chicken tenders, garlic bread, the works. Paid my money and took my seat.
Well it was about that time I started to fall asleep. Due to my fear of anal rape I decided to high-tail it outta there without my food. DAMN!
About a quarter of the way into my journey home my stomach starts rumbling. Uh-oh.
I stop 3 or 4 times before I get halfway. Bear in mind that I'm wearing a glorious pair of white skinny jeans.
I took a breather and then battled ferociously to my destination.
Finally I get to my estate. Just gotta turn this corner.
SHIT! Literally..
I could've cried but I was so wasted I didn't stop to think or look.
Hammered on the door. The mother answers, face wrinkled up due to the smell. I battle past her and make it to the toilet. My bed for the night.
Long story short: Shitting yourself in white skinny jeans ain't recommended.
lanka93: Your fuck up was buying white skinny jeans.
PBborn: Like, do they stretch to accommodate, or do they just coffee filter everything. Im terrible, but I just like a clear vision of what im laughing at y'know?
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1401142780 | 1401363303 | t3_26k10k | t5_2to41 | 1 | tifu2013: Tifu by repairing my car
This is a minor fuck up but it's so frustrating for me because I finally have a solid job making 11 an hour as a security guard, I usually get 12 hours overtime each week, and I get paid on the 25 ad 10th each month. So I got paid Friday a relatively fat check of 991. I have to pay 496 in rent on the 1st. I paid my parents 150 for my insurance and phone bill. That left 841 dollars. I filled my gas tank which cost me 65 bucks. This weekend I had to replace my exhaust manifold, replaced 2 blown speakers and installed a kill switch because I live in a bad area and my 95 accord is one of the most commonly stolen cars. I also replaced a broken tail light on my car. I wasn't monitoring my account balance as I was repairing all of this crap. Today I have 517.47 in my account. I was supposed to pay my girlfriend 90 bucks because she is out of work and I want to help her out. So I'll have 20 bucks to my name after rent. I still need to buy groceries, and I'll need to fill up again in about a week. I have no idea how I'm going to make it until the 10th. I am probably going to have to pawn my laptop and try to sell some paintball stuff on craigslist.
C_WASP: Were the Speakers and kill switch necessary?
I mean some headphones and intelligent parking or disconnect the battery would have sufficed until you had some extra cash for these unnecessary upgrades.
Would that have saved you from having to feel like you fucked up?
Also, ditch the girl. The $90 could go towards having some fun time with dates, going out etc. not used to sustain your GF like she's your daughter/wife. I've done it before, never again. All the help you give will be cancelled out and forgotten.
Just some things to think about.
tifu2013: Kill switch is absolutely necessary, a few months ago someone broke into my car In my driveway and stole my backpack with my school work, roughly 10 bucks in coins and they would've stolen the car if there wasn't another car behind me. They broke in with what is known as a shaved key which is basically an old honda key that is filed down and all you do is wiggle it in the lock to open it. The speakers were 31 dollars out the door, the issue was that I replaced everything that was wrong all at once.
Not ditching my girlfriend, I miswrote when I said supposed to, I wanted to help her because she is struggling after she was fired from her school job for no justifiable reason other than calling off 1 day for a final.
rebel101150: as someone who drove a honda I could stick my old 92 civic key in your accord, wiggle it and your car would fire after some turning. it works all the way up until around 2000 and it's unfortunate but honda is lazy. here's a tip, remove your main relay when your not driving it. it pops out under the dash, can never be stolen after that, old trick i used to use. its actually rather big too so dont be looking for a fuse. Glad I no longer have the civic but still keep the key
tifu2013: I would take out the main relay for a while too. But now that I have the fuel pump kill switch cleverly hidden in a very hard to find area I don't. If someone were to break in and try to start it, all it does is crank but not turnover so it makes it seem like the car has a problem with the engine, and I imagine the would be thief would just yank out the stereo and be done. That would suck but a 60 dollar stereo is better than a stolen car.
| 5 | 0.2 | |
1401145698 | 1401255075 | t3_26k59o | t5_2to41 | 352 | [deleted]: TIFU by shitting my pants after cleaning up after my husband's bed wetting while housesitting. (there was no party involved, and we are in our early 20s)
So the husband and I were housesitting for a little over a week, everything was going really well, and we were super respectful. We didn't even have sex in the house; we went back to our apartment for that. We were having a good time, no guests, no parties, no drinking, no drugs, just being boring married people. We just got a juicer and were trying it out. Anyways, today the people we were house sitting for were coming back. I had cleaned most of the place, and was just planning on washing the sheets and our towels before the owners came back in the afternoon.
I wake up this morning to my husband saying, "Oh my god, I think I just wet the bed." He did. He was covered in pee. His boxers were soaked through, and the sheets were very wet. I'm glad he wasn't cuddling me. I reassure him, tell him to go take a shower, and start stripping the bed. He makes me some fresh apple juice (which is a pretty powerful bowel stimulant) We go get enzyme cleaner and vinegar to clean up the pee, and do a very thorough job.
As I'm packing up the rest of our stuff, I feel the urge to fart, so I do. Only it wasn't a fart. It was poop. A giant poop. A giant liquidy poop. I freeze in shock, shit dripping down my leg and collecting in a pile on the tile floor. I wait a minute for my husband who is loading things into the car to come. Then I think it through a little, and realize that he probably doesn't want to see me with shit running down my leg. I hobble over and grab some paper towels and clean it up, shower, and relate my tale to my husband. He feels slightly better about wetting the bed.
Apparently we don't need to be drunk in order to piss ourselves or shit our pants. Further proof that my husband and I are soul mates.
edit: Husband insists I add that this is his first time wetting the bed in his adult life. However, I cannot say that this is my first time shitting my pants.
_vargas_: Unexpected bed wetting. Surprise bowel movements. You just caught a glimpse of what your Golden Years might look like!
WeinerSlaaav: Golden-Brown years! Texture like sun
kidneyshifter: Lays me down, and down my leg it runs.
Helixdaunting: Throughout the night, gives me a fright.
Kinjuru: Almost get drowned, in golden brown.
dassathroaway: ::wild applause::
| 7 | 50.285714 | |
1401147064 | 1401170625 | t3_26k78d | t5_2to41 | 138 | luckeynumber8: TIFU by skipping my finals for League of Legends.
I'm a 3rd year college student at a top 30 university. Up to this point, my grades have all been pretty good, I'm not an alcoholic (yet), and there's nothing about me that would indicate a spiral out of control. My school had finals week last week and I only had one exam left before I was cleared for summer. My plan was to just stay up all night studying for it because yolo, i'm almost to the finish line i can't possibly fuck this up right? wrong.
Halfway through my late night study session I started playing league of legends, a popular online video game. I'm diamond I, which is the second highest "level" you can be. I've been trying to get to challenger for a while and i told myself i would just play a few games of ranked before getting back to studying. Those few games turned into hours. I kept putting off studying, telling myself that if I just played one more game and spent the next x hours studying, I would still be fine for the exam.
One hour left before the exam. At this point the back of my mind is freaking the fuck out, telling me that I'm going to be screwed. Instead of doing what I can to salvage the situation, I run away even further from it. Instead of even going to my exam, I just keep playing League of Legends hoping that I can go on a win streak and crack challenger tier. The start time for the exam is long past. At this point I just stop thinking about the exam entirely and keep playing until I get too tired and crawl back into my bed, ignoring how bad I know I've just fucked myself.
zingzongy: I'm sorry but I can't seem to comprehend this. Knowing full well you have an exam starting and yet you kept playing and went to bed instead of coming up with some bullshit for being late and just do the exam? You didn't fuck up, you deserved this.
aeiluindae: I can unfortunately comprehend the mindset. I have failed courses because one fuck-up begets anxiety which leads to another fuck-up which...
It's completely irrational, but once you decide things are fucked, you stop caring and then things can get really fucked.
The good thing is that he (or she, but probably he) can most likely redo the exam. Most large universities have times scheduled for this and students can often go to the rewrite if they ask their professor nicely, even without a doctor's note or something. They can probably even tell the truth about what happened. Most professors understand that people fuck up occasionally (and if the student's record is pretty good otherwise, they're pretty damn forgiving). I have done this a couple of times (once because I failed the exam, once because I woke up 1.5 hours into the exam and I was a 20 minute walk from campus).
luckeynumber8: i don't deserve it but the school is letting me retake the exam. and you're right--when one bad thing happens sometimes it all spirals out of control until you find yourself in a hole too deep to crawl out of
[deleted]: It is things like this that anger me. The school is doing no favors by letting someone who blows off an exam for such a stupid reason take a makeup exam. As a teacher, I would never let any student in my class do this. All it does it reinforce the idea that there is no need to be responsible because there i always a way out. As a teacher, I would have failed you and hoped that the experience would teach a lesson in responsibility.
TPCTimesThree: There are legitimate excuses, but "I was playing video games" is not one of them.
| 6 | 23 | |
1401147145 | 1401202876 | t3_26k7cb | t5_2to41 | 11 | BabiesOvernight: TIFU by doing the biggest waste of my life
Tonight I fucked up.
It's 1:30 am. I have a vital exam in 10 hours and 30 minutes.
For two hours, I've been writing notes from my text book to a note taking website (there's also an app for it but I wasn't using my main computer) to help study better.
I figured I'd done an okay job, now I just have to re-read it a couple of times and I'm okay. I had an older more difficult version of the notes in another note. I decided to cut and paste the newer version in the older note so I could compare the two versions.
I cut. The web browser froze. I patiently waited, thinking that it might not have synced anything. Frustrated, I shut down the computer and go to my other one. My new notes are gone. Only have the older ones.
I could have prevented this by pasting somewhere else like a text editor outside the web browser, or copying, pasting and then deleting, instead of cutting and pasting.
I don't think I've ever done a bigger waste than this one in my life. It's also my first time on this subreddit. If you feel this post is lame because people have had worse incidents, feel free to delete/downvote it so I've also completely wasted the 10 minutes it took me to write this post.
I believe in karma but I don't think I've been doing something too terrible to someone lately.
I'm going to study the older notes and possibly fail the exam anyway, in addition to being tired. (School starts at 8 am).
BabiesOvernight: Thank you so much, your comments have meant a lot to me.
I was able to talk to my teacher and now I have the test on Thursday. I've got two tests that day, but I have slightly more time now and I'm going to work harder (and write my notes on a program that auto saves every minute). It should be worth it.
Crivens1: Learning: it's what college is for.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1401146600 | 1401215214 | t3_26k6it | t5_2to41 | 13 | ltrain430: TIFU by leaving my computer in my living room with friends over
So I just started an online dating profile. Last night I had some friends over my house and I decided to get some feedback, show off the girl I have set up a date with, etc. While browsing we notice a familiar face in the visitor section. It was somebody we went to school with that I have no interest in dating, they had some serious issues in the past that I would rather not deal with. Anyways I eventually go to bed leaving my computer in the living room playing music. I wake up in the morning and see a message on my phone from the girl we went to school with saying "thanks.......I guess." Hmm. That is odd I didn't write her anything, nor did I even click on her profile, I haven't spoken with her in years. I check my outgoing messages and see "dat smile, dat face, dat ass...damn." I will now have to avoid this person for the rest of my life. To make matters worse when I got a message from girl I have set up a date with saying something along the lines of "I see you were drunk okcupid-ing last night that is dangerous." I told her about the message my friend sent and how I am going to avoid this person for the rest of my life. No response to that yet.
monty845: Always a good practice to lock your computer. You just never know.
ltrain430: It does have a password, it just doesn't go to sleep if it is playing media. Unfortunately.
monty845: PC: Windows key + L when you get up from it
Pope_Frannie: I so wish I could shower you in gold for this. How did I not know this a thing?
creamersrealm: Its the same thing as going to start > lock.
Instead of putting it to sleep it just locks the screen.
| 6 | 2.166667 | |
1401148334 | 1401158865 | t3_26k91a | t5_2to41 | 49 | [deleted]: TIFU by wiping my butt during allergy season.
I felt the urge to sneeze mid-butt-wipe. Last thing I remember was wondering why the "tissue" was brown. I didn't realize what was going on until it was too late. Brb I'm just gonna go burn my face off.
frictiondick: Wut.
CUNTASAURUS_REX: OP sneezed while mid butt wipe and used the TP to capture his sneeze and also apply poop to his face.
| 3 | 16.333333 | |
1401155092 | 1401170079 | t3_26kix0 | t5_2to41 | 9 | 32funyawaworht: TIFU by getting dropped from a class and am going to lose financial aid
Online classes are just not for me, and I'm taking summer classes to make up hours to keep my financial aid. I ended up retaking a class online because an incomplete I had turned into an automatic F. I have just been withdrawn from that online class and am practically fucked.
I'm considering unenrolling from the community college I go to and trying to figure stuff out, but I don't know if this is the right decision. I'm 19, so it isn't the end of the world, but I certainly feel like it is.
thalionthewicked: I have experience with this. Did the EXACT same thing. My school sent me a bill to repay my financial aid. I tried meeting with them and they blew me off. I am now paying over $2k to the Department of Education, $100 at a time. Get this settled as soon as you can, trust me.
32funyawaworht: What have you done since then? I'm afraid of ending up in this situation, but I'll try to handle it as best I can, since I imagine I'll have the free time to get a minimum wage job or something. Since I'm pretty sure that this is how I'm going to go through with things, I am thinking of trying to attend a local technical/vocational school to get some kind of hands on work experience.
paremon: Work for a while. Before you go into debt, make sure you know what you want to do, what degree, if any, you need, how much that degree will cost, what people in the field you settle on make, and what (if any) future that field has. Better to wait two years than drop classes and have to pay loans back.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1401156224 | 1401158397 | t3_26kkl4 | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by having an "accident" in class
I skipped breakfast that day, so I was very hungry. After 5th period I sprinted to lunch, gobbling up 4 burritos and 2 large pizzas. To top it off I chugged a carton of milk. It slithered down my throat like a snail.
Now, it got real nasty in 7th period, my last class of the day. It was a hot afternoon, about 3:15. While learning about the pharyngeal pouch, I leaned to the side, to squeeze out a nasty, smelly fart. I pretended to cough to cover as insurance, but I was a second too late, farting immediately after. The whole class looked at me, and at this point I was mortified. My stomach let out a groan, and I farted again, only this time I could feel poop spew from my lower area. A warm brown liquid dripped from my shorts, down my legs and into my socks. The whole class started laughing at me.
I let out a groan, and as soon as I got up I rocketed forward, a gigantic deluge of molten feces in my path. A huge brown puddle was now around my desk. I was wearing lightweight running shorts that day, and with the combined weight of the wet feces in my pants, they began to slip off. I ran to the door and told the teacher to excuse me, but I slipped and fell over. I scrambled to get off, slipping over my own filth. As I did this, my boxers got caught on a desk to the side, and as I bolted up they tore off. There I stood, and the whole class laughed harder. At this point, even the teacher was laughing. Embarrassed, I ran for the door but slipped again, and I fell on my back. I looked at the whole class with embarrassment, this was the worst moment of my life. Suddenly, I noticed a girl in my class Amanda, whom I have a crush on. I noticed her especially short skirt she was wearing today, and immediately my jimmies began to rise. Soon enough, I had a full-on boner, my junk covered with poop and splattered with brown liquid, as I made eye contact with her.
I ran as hard as I could to that damn door, running half naked through the hallways to the nearest restroom. Later that day I took a cab home, sitting on a heap of paper towels with a confused driver. Does this thwart my chances with Amanda? Just curious, this was by far the worst day of my life.
WPBDoc: Of all the things that never happened, this never happened hard. How stupid do you think Redditors are, Bo?
Enigmutt: Truly. OP should xpost to /r/Im14andthisisfunny.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1401155997 | 1401178881 | t3_26kk80 | t5_2to41 | 23 | LordMopsie: Tifu by telling a little girl i would kill her
Okay, so lets make this clear, this was a while ago i was around five. So i would always go over my friends house. (Lets call her Maria) so one day we were playing some weird game outside and something drove me to playfully say "I'm gonna kill you!" So she looked at me and ran back inside. I sat on Maria's a little bit confused. Then out of nowhere she ran at me with a knife! Remember, we were both five at this time. I was terrified so i started yelling and running. At this point her mom came outside most likely due to our screaming. I was thinking "oh thank god her mom is here to protect me." But no, she told me to get off of her property or she would call the cops. So, i did just that. I ran home up into my room. I was sat in my room crying for about ten minutes until i heard the door ring. It was Maria's mother! I waited a little while and basically what followed was a talk between my dad and i in which i told him i would never threaten anyone.
TLDR: I threatened a 5 year old girl so she ran at me with a knife.
glenninit: T(wenty-five years ago)IFU.
Also...the scared mom is ok with her kid chasing you with a knife?
Almost hoping to read more I peed myself TIFUs.
a_d_d_e_r: Scared mom wants to protect her kid from dangers mortal and moral.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1401157401 | 1401162595 | t3_26kmbe | t5_2to41 | 7 | Randyy1: TIFU by entering a unisex bathroom drunk
I was at this daytime party event sort of thing, and I had a few beers. Naturally, I need to piss so I look for a bathroom. Turns out there's only 1 bathroom with 2 stalls, and it's unisex. So I enter, and there's a girl washing her hands in the sink. I ask her "is this the bathroom?", and she replies "I hope so, cuz that's why I'm here". I'm thinking alright, she's nice, might chat her up once I finish here and go back to the party. But then, as I enter one of the stalls, I see her entering the other stall. Fuck. I have a nervous bladder anyway, and now there's a cure girl peeing in the next stall. And for some reason, the beer didn't relax me at all. So I'm standing there with my dick in my hand, and nothing's coming out. And from the other stall it's like a waterfall. I'm just standing there in awkward silence, shaking my thing, jumping up and down, nothing. I hear her leaving the stall, so I wait a few second and get out as well. And, for some reason, I say to her "I can't do it while you're here, I have a nervous bladder", **as if she would care if I pissed or not**. She responds with "haha yeah sorry, too bad these stalls aren't sound proof". She washes her hands, leaves, I piss, and leave the party, naturally.
tl;dr got nervous cuz there was a girl peeing in the next stall
WPBDoc: Whoever thought that unisex bathrooms was a "good idea" is an idiot. There are a few things that men and women have no need to do together and several of them involve a bathroom.
Teotwawki69: Not to mention it would settle the question once and for all as to whether women actually poop.
ohlookahipster: They don't.
I still believe and nothing can shake my faith.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1401155775 | 1401199931 | t3_26kjwi | t5_2to41 | 7 | The_Mighty_Canadian: TIFU by peeing on my 150$ keyboard
On a Friday night, I've decided to make myself a rum-and-coke while watching my animes. I emptied a full can of coke and mixed it with almost the same amount of rum. So everything was cool as drank my cocktail and watched my animes.
At 2:00, I've decided to go to bed. This is where I made my first mistake. I didn't go to the bathroom before bed. At 3:00, I "wake up" with an intense urge to pee. I felt like my bladder was going to explode. So I try to walk in my room but I can't see shit and I'm a little bit drunk. Suddenly I stop. I try to lift the toilet lid but I can't find it. So my drunk asleep brain decides to say FUCK IT, I'LL JUST PEE ANYWAY. So I get my best friend out and start to pee. So as I unleash the Mississippi river, I start to realize what I am doing. I was peeing on my 150$ Razer keyboard (Black Widow Ultimate). I didn't freak out until I finished peeing.
So I grabbed some towels and I tried to dry the piss that was everywhere on my keyboard, my desk and on the floor. The next morning I discover my keyboard is broke and I waste my afternoon washing the piss everywhere. Also I had to buy an other keyboard.
TLDR: I pissed on my expensive keyboard because I tough I was in front of the toilet.
inselfwetrust: This is probably a stupid question, but why would you pay $150 for a keyboard in the first place? Or is it a laptop?
NancyFuckinGrace: I concur, unless maybe he's really into gaming and needs all those shortcut/macro micjuggers to win
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1401184555 | 1401188790 | t3_26kmgt | t5_2to41 | 2 | This_Land_Is_My_Land: You're going a little bit far with this. He didn't know why *at that moment*. He knows why now. If you even read the post, he said he's going to fix himself. He mentioned multiple times that he had anger issues that needed to be worked out.
I agree, the girl chose wisely in this situation, and he's going to work to improve himself so it doesn't happen again.
Give him shit, but don't give him the same shit he's already voiced as giving to himself. You're not being productive.
Also "fuck knuckle", what the hell kind of insult is that?
devals: No, I think it's warranted.
She said she's going to "fix herself" because they're hoping the ex will read this and are hoping she'll take them back.
The fact that she says she "didn't know why" (attempting to justify her reaction even now) just proves that she isn't half as sorry for the behavior as the *consequences* of that behavior. Despite what she says, she's clearly focused on "fixing" their relationship rather than her own emotional issues, and that's a recipe for a very familiar disaster.
This is a story that's been told time and time again. Guy/girl goes off the handle, "I'll never do it again!...until a few weeks after you take me back." Fixing an issue like this is serious work, she's gonna have to really shift focus if that's what she really wants- and after a breakup, it can be really hard to shift that focus. It's to their own benefit that someone snap them out of it with a dose of outsider perspective (to which this ~~guy~~ girl comes off like a real fuck knuckle).
This_Land_Is_My_Land: Solution: If you want someone to change, don't give them what they want. The girlfriend in this scenario made the right choice by backing off. She was smart enough to do that, so I suspect she'd be smart enough to keep it that way.
And that post reads like this, with a little bit of reading comprehension:
>Well if someone broke up with you and you didnt know why after being together for over a year, you'd freak out too.
They freaking out in question was during the event outlined here:
> Feeling every emotion possible at once and not having any anger management, I scream at the dude to get out (which I feel bad for because hes a nice guy), and proceeded to yell and cry asking why she broke up with me.
This was "freaking out". That's totally expected if you love someone. This happens every day, regardless of the reason that caused the relationship to break. Not everyone ends their relationships mutually with emotionless response.
Their reaction happens all the time in the real world. She's saying "she didn't know why" at the time that she was freaking out.
She knows why now, that's why she made the damn post.
**Fuck**, Reddit. Get better at dissecting posts and people's reactions.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1401157668 | 1401211857 | t3_26kmpc | t5_2to41 | 9 | ladylei: TIFU now my son is burned :(
TIFU by being dumb about sunscreen because it due to rain today and figured we would be rained out of the pool in an hour. My daughter was ready to leave within an hour and my son's friend's mother offered to watch my son while my husband grabbed food and I helped my daughter change out of her swimming gear. Finally my son comes home after a few hours play and is pretty red but he can be really red from horsing around easily. Notably his legs and big belly weren't red.
I say this with love as he has a naturally big Buddha belly regardless of how thin he is and six pack abs may never be attainable for him. Anyway, I feed him and after an hour it's clear that I really messed up by not making sure he was slathered in a high SPF sunscreen with regular re-applications. Now he's a bright lobster red, slathered in aloe based sunburn gel and sleeping on the sofa while it rains outside. Sadly, it's my son who is paying for my fucking up as a mother. :(
TL;DR My son is cooked lobster red because I didn't think about making him wear sunscreen.
Edit: While my son is almost 13, he's also special needs kid. I'm not exaggerating when I say that my husband, my son's bio-Dad, and myself were thinking that we would need to make sure that our son would have lifelong caretakers until more recently. He was that far behind his peers developmentally. He's made great progress but it is unfair to apply the same expectations for a normal child his age to him still.
It's not that I don't want him to be independent and enjoy hovering over him. That shit is exhausting and honestly that is not how I was raised or want to raise my kids. Seeing my kids become capable, independent adults is more important to my peace of mind than I can express.
binkysurprise: How old is your son? Also I second 668FIRST, this type of shit happens.
ladylei: He is turning 13 in October.
Teotwawki69: Seriously? By that age, your job is this: "Honey, don't forget to put on sunscreen before we go." He either does or he doesn't but, if he doesn't, it's not your fault and he gets a lesson in responsibility.
This_Land_Is_My_Land: It's easy to see why she's upset, though. Even at 18, you want your kids to be okay. Most parents are protective of their children.
ladylei: Thanks.
This_Land_Is_My_Land: I only speak the truth. People like to overlook those facts and go "fuck it, a 13 year old has to take care of himself".
| 7 | 1.285714 | |
1401157729 | 1401174422 | t3_26kmsa | t5_2to41 | 3 | rollll: TIFU by eating raw meat
This was about a week ago but my friend and I had a long night so we go back to her house and her mom had made those grape leaves filled with meat and vegetables. I was so tired I just bit into it and to my horror it was completely uncooked, thank god I didn't swallow. Still pretty gross though
Teotwawki69: >thank god I didn't swallow
That's exactly what your friend said a short while later...
rollll: Gotta give you that one. Totally walked into it
| 3 | 1 | |
1401160962 | 1401165866 | t3_26kr68 | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by making out with a stripper [NSFW]
I go to a club in Vegas a few times a year. I'd gotten dances from the same girl on the last couple of visits & she remembered me this time, saying she swore that she somehow knew that I would be coming in that weekend.
I started with a couple of dances on the main floor where she immediately maneuvered my hands onto her tits. I resisted because I didn't want to get kicked out of the club; I'd been warned by the management for lesser conduct on past trips, but she was insistent that it was "OK," implying she'd already tipped the bouncers. We finished the floor dances & I took her to one of the VIP rooms for a few "private" dances. This room is separated from the main floor by a wall with a 4 foot gap along the top that used to be a tinted glass window but was removed in the last remodel, so private is a relative term.
It's a topless club but she started by sliding her thong down to give me a look. I've been going to that club for 15 years & hadn't seen one. I've finger banged girls there before but I was never allowed to see it. Her first move was to plop her tit in my mouth. Most girls hover or graze but this was closer to a shove. Then she started teasing kisses, getting ever so close, a familiar move I responded to with a grin but then bam, she went for it & she had her tongue in my mouth. The next 20 minutes was just an old fashioned, high school style makeout session complete with dubstep in the background. As she was finishing up the last song, she said "we could have a lot of fun." When I replied "oh can we?" she gave me her number & made me promise to hit her up next time I'm in town.
I think I've obligated myself to solicit a prostitute but my Vegas budget only has room for strippers.
[deleted]: Why are Vegas strippers so kissy?
RedBull7: $ $ $ $
[deleted]: I've never been kissed by a stripper in any city other than Vegas and i'm a cheap bastard
| 4 | 10 | |
1401203889 | 1401293458 | t3_26krlf | t5_2to41 | 41 | [deleted]: I thought the same thing about mentioning she was black. It is completely irrelevant and he could have just said he wasn't attracted to her which is more accurate than saying he doesn't like the color of her skin
randuser: Maybe he feels guilty about his racism contributing to him not liking her.
ladylei: He should feel bad about being racist. Not that he should blame himself for her death or force himself to go out with black women/people he doesn't find attractive. However he should at some point examine that possible racism he has internalized and work on getting past it.
Ars3nic: Yes, he should *totally* "work on getting past" not being attracted to a person's skin color, as that's definitely racist. While we're at it, I should probably "work on getting past" not being attracted to other men, since that's homophobic, right?
MustardMcguff: You've made an argument of false equivalency.
Ars3nic: It was an analogy (which by nature will never be perfectly equivalent), not an argument.
My argument is that not being attracted to someone's physical features does not make you racist. What's yours?
Lobster_McClaw: You're entirely unable to examine the effects of culture on your personal preference. If that culture is racist (i.e. desexualizes a given race, or emphasizes the sexuality of another), and your preferences are a product of that culture, then you too are somewhat racist.
Asian men are often emasculated in US culture. Many women say they don't find Asian men attractive. Just because you don't think of yourself as a racist doesn't mean you aren't one, that you have certain subconscious beliefs that influence you in ways you aren't fully aware.
Ars3nic: What you're describing is subconscious discrimination, not racism. While racism is of course a form of discrimination, actual racism involves intentionally disparaging other races/ethnicities/etc. Quote from Wikipedia (the page is locked/restricted from editing, for obvious reasons):
> In sociology and psychology, many definitions only include consciously malignant forms of discrimination.
My problem was with /u/randuser and /u/ladylei being very quick to call OP a racist based on a sexual preference he holds. We don't know what race he is, the society/culture in which he lives, or even what country or continent he's from. Ultimately, he could very well be a card-carrying KKK member, or just a guy who prefers really pale girls....but we're in no place to make that judgement.
mamasaymamasawmooma: That subconscious discrimination is a result of deeply ingrained biases perpetuated by societal racism, which is Lobster's point.
He is not calling you a bad person or a horrible racist.
It effects us all.
All this person is saying is that your preferences are just as effected by the trends as those were of people who lived in the times of Botticelli and didn't like ultra-thin women.
It's something to be examined, IMO but not something you should feel guilt or feel like a "bad racist" for.
This is the hiccup that always shuts down productive conversations about race. White people, nine times out of ten assume that they are being told to feel guilt or that they are horrible KKK racists for being affected by the very same deeply ingrained social biases, as everyone else.
The social biases are a result of society's messages saying "these people are less", not because you're a bad person.
Lobster_McClaw: Precisely. It's the same reason why you can have black men say that *they* don't find black women attractive either - I've seen it every time this comes up on Reddit. It's not about being preachy or holier-than-thou: I'm just trying to say that, yes *I too* am subject to these negative forces and was once unaware of their effects. It's not about making a value judgement; it's about recognizing that there's a problem.
And /u/Ars3nic, that's a fair point about OP's background - I was just making an assumption. But as to your "subconscious discrimination" argument, I think it's pretty weak and blurs the issue here. The wikipedia quote isn't even strict - "*many* definitions," not all - meanwhile I think we're all familiar with the term "institutionalized racism" which is rarely malignant. But I do understand that calling someone "racist" puts them on the defensive and is ultimately unhelpful.
EDIT: I mean it's all about coming at it from the angle of "I'm just as guilty as you are, so let's examine it together" rather than "let me tell you why you're a racist (and I'm not)."
| 10 | 4.1 | |
1401168447 | 1401297675 | t3_26l0ag | t5_2to41 | 12 | Imuststoplurking: TIFU by going to White Castle after eating unhealthily for two days!
I'm typically just a lurker on the pages of reddit, but I believe that has given me bad karma for laughing at everyone's misery on TIFU while not contributing. It's time to share my misery for you to laugh at.
I just got home from school to visit my parents. I come from an African American family that likes to cook soul food. This soul food is very good, but it will murder your insides if you haven't had it in awhile. While visiting my different family members, I pigged the hell out. This unhealthy food binge culminated with me grabbing some beers with my best friend.
We enjoyed a few great craft beers at a bar at my hometown. It is almost tradition for us to go to White Castle after we leave the bar. In the words of R. Kelly, my mind was telling me no but my body was telling me yes.
Translation: I was rationally thinking that it was a poor decision to eat White Castle on top of everything I had given my body that day. Yet, there is no White Castle in the town that I reside in, and I never turn down rare opportunities.
We get to the white castle and I order a #2, which is way too ironic for the climax of this story, with a sack of fries. They took forever with the order but sweet jesus it was worth the wait. I enjoyed those mini bundles of joy at the moment.
When I got home that night, I went to bed feeling a bit gassy. I marked that as normal for to have just had White Castles and beer, so I went to bed. I woke up the next morning to a digestive system that told me that I had committed war crimes against it.
I rolled out of the bed and took an explosive shit while still half asleep. As I was waking up, I look down at my underwear while I was shitting. There was a panic when I saw a dried up shit stain in my pants. My first reaction was, "Wow, I can't believe I sharted myself in my sleep, fuck!"
The last time I sharted myself was two years ago. That's not the only thing those two stories have in common. I just discovered TIFU two weeks ago and I've been LMAO at everyone's poop stories. I believe that gave me bad karma. Two years ago before I sharted myself, I had just discovered this interview with [Al Roper](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52NdIph7JKw)
. There was bad Karma for me getting comedic relief from that video as well.
But anyway, I clean up and take a shower after releasing the liquid Cosby kids at the pool. I go back to my room and say to myself, "I should jump back in bed, that was rough." I did this only to find that there was a large dried shit stain on my sheet. I fucking shat my bed in my sleep!
Tl;dr - I had white castles and beer, and then I shat my bed in my sleep that night
TheHatRemover: Liquid Cosby kids... You sir, have made me laugh.
Imuststoplurking: I'm glad I could do so. It's the least I can do after enjoying this subreddit for so long.
| 3 | 4 | |
1401172859 | 1401186531 | t3_26l4z5 | t5_2to41 | 22 | humanjoke: TIFU by eating a kebab, getting my dick stuck in the zip of my jeans and having to get an African male doctor to help remove it.
This happened a while ago and I'm still embarrassed by it.
I had been at a concert the night before with some friends. Much partying had ensued after returning back to the hotel room we had booked. I ended up passing out in the shower wearing my underwear. When I awoke I dried myself off and threw my jocks out, choosing to go commando under my jeans.
The next morning, with a hangover from hell, I left the hotel room and headed home. Stopping to get a kebab which I thought would be the best cure for my current state. I finally made it home with kebab in hand and headed straight to the bedroom to demolish the kebab and then to get more sleep. I flopped into bed taking a couple of bites of the kebab before deciding to remove my jeans to get more comfortable. I was half lying down and lazily, but viciously, pulled down the zip on my jeans. A sharp pain rushed through my body.
I had got the skin on the underside of my dick caught. About halfway down the shaft, between the head and the scrotum. I panicked and shock started to set in. I had remembered reading about how one swift movement would usually release the skin from the teeth of the zip. I tried to do this but the pain was too much and I notice a small trickle of blood was released as I pulled on the fly. I tried to get out of bed but it was too hard an awkward.
I called my SO who was at work and explained to her my current situation. She said she would head home and take me to see the doctor. I laid in bed waiting for her and ate my kebab which seemed to help me take my mind of what was happening with my genitals.
We eventually and painfully get to the doctors surgery where after a small wait I am taking into a small surgery room, followed by a female nurse. She asks to see what I have done. Reluctantly I explain to her what had happened and suggested maybe a male would be more appropriate. She brushed that off saying "it was nothing she hadn't seen before". So I showed her. I could tell by her face the prognosis wasn't good and she left the room shortly after. She came back in and said I would need to see a doctor and hold tight.
5 minutes later I am instructed to make my way into the doctors office. He was a large african male probably in his late 40s. He tells me to let him have a look in a thick horn of Africa accent. I show him and he bursts out laughing. In my face. He yanked down on the zip of the fly and I let out a grimacing sound of true pain. I looked down and my dick was still stuck. He noticed my discomfort and he said it's better you do it. So I grab the fly and start to unzip again he grabs my hand and yanks down with me. Yes. My penis is free. Finally. I look at the doctor and he nods and then starts laughing again. I make it home and am out of action for about a week. I still have a scar down the bottom of the shaft.
CapgrasX13: Why does it matter that the doctor is African?
KKYBoneAEA: Man, he's going all out for that attention to detail. Don't worry, I got your back OP.
humanjoke: Thanks dude.
| 4 | 5.5 |
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