start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1400755266 | 1400807772 | t3_267680 | t5_2to41 | 27 | ICouldBeAWalnut: TIFU by not checking my email, and as a result, missing an exam.
I finally returned to school after 2 years of doing nothing, and what do i do when its time for my first exam ?
I dont show up, because being the genius that i am, i havent checked my email and seen the mail from my teacher, telling me it was today.
Fuck.
pstch: I'm pretty sure I'll be in the exact same situation three days from now.
Kimonolawyer: Why are people down voting you? Why did I just down vote you?
| 3 | 9 | |
1400763801 | 1400793907 | t3_267etl | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to stop my cat puking on my desk
Yesterday I was sitting at my desk and my cat came to visit me. He's got part of a shoe box I keep on the desk for him to sleep in. It works well to keep him from lying/sitting in front of the monitor or on the keyboard.
So I'm surfing the 'net, and he's lying in his box when I hear the sound every cat owner is familiar with... \**hurk hurk hurk*\* He's facing directly towards me and the various papers and files I have out.
Thinking I should get him to the linoleum floor, or at least off my desk, I quickly grab him and whirl around. That's when it hit. In the middle of the spin, he starts throwing up. A soggy mixture of cat food and digestive juices sprays in an arc across my living room. Time slows down and the foamy globs seem to hang in the air as they form a perfect semicircle and fall to the carpet.
Stepping quickly over the mess, I rush him to the kitchen where he starts round two \**hurk hurk*\* While he finishes his business I glance back into the living room at the mess, and wonder where my life went wrong.
Sighing, I go to the closet to drag out the carpet cleaner to begin the slow process of scrubbing cat food slurry out of my carpet.
tl;dr Cat puked, tried to move him somewhere 'safe' and gave it the momentum to spread 6' across the carpet
Lockjaw7130: Eugh. I know your pain.
My dog always, ALWAYS goes away from the hardwood floor to vomit on the ONE CARPET we have in the room. But you can't be angry at him, he looks so miserable and defeated whenever he vomits. He hates eating dogfood so he always looks at it with this face that says "oh no, my stomach is empty now. All that work for nothing."
yonthickie: Why do they always go for the carpet when they feel the heave coming on? Mine is just the same.
[deleted]: I got some old newspaper under the mouth of my cat once. Everything went fine until the last \**hurk*\* when he turned to the side and barfed on the carpet. Damn cat!
yonthickie: Perhaps we have discovered a new force- the magnetism that exists between carpet fibre and pet vomit. I suggest naming it "vomitism" or maybe "fibremit"- one of the strong forces
massacreman3000: my cats always Ralph, and not once have they chosen the time basement floors or the linoleum kitchen floors.
strange.
| 6 | 5.333333 | |
1400759011 | 1400774253 | t3_2679ht | t5_2to41 | 7 | PlayaFoSho: TIFU by sending the exact same text to 8 different girls
Okay so I posted this fuck up in an askreddit thread a while back and it got a bit of attention so I may aswell share with you guys. I'll keep it short and sweet.
This was when I only just got my iPhone, so I knew how it worked but unfortunately not everything.
After coming home from a night out, fairly tipsy me wanted some dirty texting. Proceeded to send the same text: "hey, haven't spoke in ages! I miss you lets meet up soon!' to 8 different girls.
Iphone automatically put it into one big group text between all of us (all had iMessage).
Started getting abused left right and centre, also a few of the girls knew each other and were friends, so they could see the names in the chat. I tried playing it cool by saying it was just a joke and "of course I knew it'd put it in one big group chat!".
One of the girls was actually really cool about it though, we are still friends to this day. It gets bought up sometimes and she still finds it halarious.
TL;DR: Sent the same message to 8 different girls all in one group chat.
saf3: What's the big deal? The girls sound really uptight if they got pissy that you asked more than one of them to catch up. This sounds like sophomore year of high school to me.
PlayaFoSho: Naa I do understand, the text was bad because half of them i'd already slept with and it was obvious i was only texting them for one thing
saf3: To be a true player you've got to know how to play
Don't let em catch you next time ;)
PlayaFoSho: Haha don't worry I already have a reputation in that area
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1400764735 | 1400793470 | t3_267g0r | t5_2to41 | 46 | FuzzyEarz: TIFU by not eating my hotdog buns.
This happened a few years ago when I was like 8 years old. We lived in an apartment and we have two chair/sofas. They were put together at an angle to the wall leaving a triangle shaped gap, two sides of the triangle were the sofa backs and the third side was the actual wall. My friends would come over often and my parents would give us all hotdogs. Me being the fat ass kid that I was, only ate the hotdog part and saved the bread. I didn't want to eat it but my parents would have been pissed if I wasted the bun, being typical frugal Asians. So when they weren't looking I threw the bun into the triangle shaped hole and nobody noticed. Now this happened every few days for a week or two. Soon we started to notice two roaches on the floor near the opening of the triangle. My parents pulling the couch chairs apart and lo and behold, ROACHES EVERYWHERE. There were probably over 100 roaches that dispersed in every direction when the light hit them. I was kicked out of the house my while parents tried to cleanup.
Voyager5555: " I didn't want to eat it but my parents would have been pissed if I wasted the bun, being typical frugal Asians"
Not wanting to waste food isn't a "frugal Asian" thing, it's a not wanting to waste money and food thing.
FuzzyEarz: Sorry my bad, they are frugal but I just attributed the not wasting food thing to them being frugal. There are plenty of other examples of them being frugal though.
Voyager5555: Well there's a pretty big difference between being frugal and not wanting to waste things, but in this case probably a little from column A, little from column B.
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1400765933 | 1400839094 | t3_267hn2 | t5_2to41 | 104 | notapunk: TIFU by not just coughing
So I had just shoved the last of some very tasty tortilla chips into my mouth and had just began to chew as an uncontrollable urge to cough hit me. Not wanting to spew partially chewed chips all over the place I covered my mouth and tried to suppress it.
That's where I fucked up and witnessed something I hadn't seen before - the cough came, but without the mouth available as an exit point the force of my cough exited my nose, somehow taking with it some of the chips from my mouth. I knew the moment I saw those small pieces of tortilla chips fly out my nose I had chosen poorly.
What had just recently flown out my nose was nothing compared to what was now lodged in my sinuses. I experience brand new kind of pain and discomfort takes over and ironically induces a massive coughing fit. I'm not just tearing up, it's a full on faucet as between coughs I attempt to blow my nose to rid myself of these chip invaders of my sinuses. My nose expels impossibly large chunks of now soggy tortilla chips bringing me some semblance of relief.
I can still feel some of them up there, but it is now bearable. I won't be surprised if I end up blowing my nose days from now to find bits of tortilla chips in the mix.
Today's lesson: trust your body, if it feels like it needs to cough - let it.
SnooSnooCookie: Pour some clean warm water up one nostril, it will come out the other and hopefully flush everything out. You can use a netti pot to help
Clbrosch: The water must be boiled first or you can get very sick from a water borne parasite.
http://www.cdc.gov/parasites/naegleria/public-water-systems.html
SnooSnooCookie: You could get the parasite from drinking the water too.
Holly_buggy: I'ts more severe this way because of the close proximity to the brain though.
SnooSnooCookie: I dunno, I currently have a water borne parasite living in my liver and it sucks ass
| 6 | 17.333333 | |
1400767660 | 1400852157 | t3_267k8c | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by ruining my relationship
Set up: I've been with my boyfriend for a few years and have had a problem with serial cheating. For a year now I have (had) been faithful, never once thinking of seriously jeopardizing the situation. I loved (and still) love him - anyone who ever hit on me, I never led them on and always was upfront. I even proposed to him over a trip recently. So why would I fuck up? Why would I ruin it?
I'm complicated. I don't venerate what I did, don't think what I did was the right thing... I don't think there are right things to do in this world when sexuality is concerned. I think sexuality is fluid and without open communication and a partner(s) willing to share in a journey with you, I cheated on my boyfriend. Did I touch anyone? Was I seriously planning on meeting someone? No. But I did get off on emails and taking pictures of myself and sending it to guys. (No, this does not give anyone reading this the right or expectation to send me anything of theirs.) I also had particular fantasies that I felt too embarrassed to bring up to him that I would enact with these strangers.
He really loved me - but I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand the thought of someone loving me... I just wanted to satisfy a secret, dirty urge that wasn't being fulfilled. In his own words, "you want everything at the same time." Yes.. I do.
So, he found the stash of dirty pictures, of emails, and confronted me. This was not the first time I FU. I don't even give a shit that this is not a throwaway account; I totally and utterly fucked up one of the only and few good things happening in my life. What the fuck was I thinking? I knew the risk and I took it.
Worse part? The news broke before a big talk of his. It's happening this morning and all of this went down last night. So it affects his performance because of my selfishness. I feel like a Scumbag Stacy 1000x times over and I can't forgive myself for this part of the story. Ladies, if you're ever in doubt, just walk away. Don't try and juggle something that you're not sure you can live without.
Now I'm done. I'm in bed, wanting to call in sick to work because I have to find a place to live, have to move my things out as soon as possible, and try to sign up for student housing at the last minute. With no car and no intermediate family to lean on, this will be very difficult... but I'm not complaining - this is exactly what I signed up for. The part that sucks in this story is another human being that never fucking deserved this shit. So, even if he never will see this - I'm sorry. I'll never forget you, the times we had, but I hope you'll forget about me and the hurt I caused - I hope you will find someone leagues better who deserves someone as kind as you.
tl;dr: Don't fucking cheat on your man in any shape and form; TIFU by doing that.
Edit: So apparently this post is getting a lot of hate. I really don't care - downvote, send messages and post comments that will only result in you getting banned from this sub since "personal attacks" and the like are not tolerated here. I am not perfect; I doubt anyone is that is reading this. A PM I just got just vented on me because a girlfriend did the same to him and he viewed me as a verbal punching bag to throw his frustrations on. I already feel like shit.
Even so, I'm not deleting this post. I think this is an important step in taking responsibility for my actions, for moving on and letting go. As much as you may want to hate me, you have to at least think if you're qualified to throw a stone at me before you comment further. I didn't post this for a fucking sympathy comment circlejerk nor did I post this to get fucking hated on. I posted this for a carthartic release in a moment when my - and someone I do care about's - world is turned upside down. Fuck anyone who thinks otherwise. I really doubt anyone can be sincerely sanctimonious on here where the whole basis is to talk about your "fuck ups."
Griever114: congrats on not only ruining a relationship but effectively screwing up your ex's ability to trust his future partners.
>**He really loved me - but I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand the thought of someone loving me**... I just wanted to satisfy a secret, dirty urge that wasn't being fulfilled. In his own words, "you want everything at the same time." Yes.. I do.
you clearly have a shitload of maturing and therapy to do if you cannot possibly speak to your partner about fulfilling a desire nor stand the thought of being loved. you dont belong with anyone other than casual flings right now. because THATS what you are bringing to the table.
if you want to remedy the situation, DONT EVER contact him again and remember this in your next relationship (fling, w/e)
littlemzla: Yeah, I do need a lot of therapy. Thanks for your professional opinion.
Griever114: Not professional... LOGICAL/RATIONAL opinion. Anyone would agree.
Im being honest with you. If there was any truth in what you actually wrote down then you should be able to see the inherent issues you need to address before you should be in a relationship again.
Im saying this not only to protect the NEXT guy but so you dont keep up this unhealthy behavior unless you enjoy toying with someones heart.
dotamen: > Anyone would agree.
Not actually true, unless you are a qualified psychologist I suggest you keep it to "this is my personal subjective opinion on the matter", fuck, even the psychologists will tell you "this is my professional *opinion* on the matter" when giving advice.
Too many people are reducing this relationship (and many others) to "nice guy got cheated on by GF" -> "GF is a bitch". Relationships are more complex than that, if you fail to see and or understand that, then, well, put it this way "it is my personal subjective opinion that you, how did you put it? "clearly have a shitload of maturing and therapy to do"".
Being a keyboard warrior on reddit jumping to conclusions is too easy, think twice before you post.
Griever114: Keep white knighting. Im sure she will send you nude pics if you keep kissing her ass.
dotamen: I thought I told you to think twice?
Griever114: I thought it through plenty of times. She is (i hope at least) being honest about the situation. She screwed up and everyone here is roughly saying the same thing (some more boldy than others). Her behavior is obviously unhealthy for a stable relationship, and as a self-admitted serial cheater she cant seems to rectify this on her own. She needs help.. GET THERAPY.
What is so god damn hard about this? Im not telling her to kill herself or call her garbage... im telling to seek professional help to FIX HER SHIT! There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with trying to better one's self.
Tell me exactly how mentally healthy it is to:
1. Be in a relationship and HATE knowing that your SO loves you
2. Send nude pictures to OTHER MEN and not only feel ashamed for doing it but secretly ENJOYING it.
3. Obviously has some fear of being in a committed relationship
Im not here to hold her hand. If something is wrong, FIX IT. If you dont want to fix it, DONT COMPLAIN ABOUT IT.
You dont need to have a major psychological issue to seek therapy. People have issues: parental, sexual abuse, childhood trauma, PTSD, war-time PTSD, cripppling fears.. RELATIONSHIP ISSUES, and many others. There is nothing wrong with seeking professional counsel. Did i say she needs to talk to me? No. Im not a therapist, im telling her to fix herself so that she wont repeat this nonsense with some other guy perpetuating an obvious issue.
Its people like you handing out participation awards that make this world the place it is today. Holding her hand on this will not solve anything.
dotamen: Could you do me the courtesy of at least thinking once? Because it seems to me that you are oblivious as to why I even made the comment "think twice".
It isn't because I disagree with your idea of seeking therapy at its core, not at all. It is because the way you express yourself is obnoxious. You could have conveyed the very same message without being an obnoxious cunt about it. Hence, "think twice". I am not asking you to treat people with kids glove, tip toeing around their feelings, too scared to talk about the elephant. Yet the way you express yourself you are on the other end of the scale, 0 consideration, 0 thought, just your opinion voiced as loudly and obnoxiously as possible, because, hey, freedom of speech, right?
I am asking you to read your post and think twice, maybe even read it out loud to yourself.
Take for instance your last remark, which is another remark that serves no other purpose than to be obnoxious. It is childish, it is the typical trolly ad hominem I would expect to find on 4chan. You lash out at me yet you do not know me, you do not know what I do or do not do for this world. You sound like and obnoxious biggot when you type shit like that. How about turning that comment onto yourself once in a while? The world is the place it is because people act like obnoxious biggots. I don't know if you are actually an obnoxious biggot, but you certainly acted like one in that post. So again, think twice before you post.
You seem to have confused being polite and civil, with the over the top "everyone is a special snowflake" PC culture. You can be the first, without being part of the latter.
Griever114: >The world is the place it is because people act like obnoxious biggots.
Actually, the world is the place it is because of "special snowflakes" like you. All of this banter is garbage and a waste of time. She needs to seek help if she wants to get better. Period. End of discussion. Are we supposed to pat her on the back for a "good job" in telling the world that she screwed up? What next, treat her to a dinner and buy her flowers for expressing feelings? seriously, all this dancing around feeling hipster garbage needs to stop. The more time you spend tip toeing around the subject the more time you waste. She can express her feelings all she wants. I did not object to that. but if she just spews on and on about making mistakes and doing nothing to fix them it will NOT SOLVE A RECURRING PROBLEM.
All of this PC/Kid glove garbage will not help her address an issue.
Its not being obnoxious nor is it being "rude"... its being honest.
The truth hurts. if you want to live in ignorance to the problem, stay in in your happy place and prevent growth. Grow up and deal with the problem.
dotamen: It is like you literally did not read what I wrote and decided to repeat what I said, but then gave it your obnoxious twist, bravo.
You voice your opinion, you think it is the only correct one, you do not bother backing it up, you do not give thought to other possibilities, it is the definition of obnoxious.
You are obnoxious. End of discussion.
I realize now that I am most likely conversing with an American country bumpkin. Reply all you like, I will not be coming back to read a comment written by what seems to be some newly wed who thinks he is now the expert on all matters in the universe, I have no desire to be Sisyphus. I hope one day you mature out of it.
Griever114: You are clueless. End of discussion.
I realize now that I'm talking to a sheltered Mamma's boy who was probably raised in an all girl household and effectively castrated at birth. That or with no male parental leadership of any kind growing up.
Enjoy not being direct and dancing around the subject like the hipsters of today.
| 12 | 1.416667 | |
1400765456 | 1400772160 | t3_267h08 | t5_2to41 | 2 | ShoutOuttomySO: [TIFU] by texting my ex...
So I broke up with my gf like a month or so ago and have since been doing random hookups.
Well drunk me thought it would be fun to text my ex, who until now had a pretty harmless breakup and we were still friends.
So I proceed to drunk text her random chatty shit when out of nowhere I suggest she come over and we can have fun.
She immediately assumes sex and gets all upset, granted I totally kind of wanted some, but now she has like told a few people what kind of person I am
Like fuck me right?
Can't wait to walk into a bar and walk up to a chick and ask to buy her a drink when she turns and says, "oh are you just going to get in a relationship with me for the sex?"
TL:DR texted my ex drunk, assumes I want sex, mad ensues, my street cred ruined
DeathRaiser: I can't believe she thought coming over to play meant sex. I mean yeah you were being a scumbag but she had no way to know that your intentions were trashy, what kind of right does she have to tell people about how you were acting when you were really acting that way but she had no way to confirm your assholeness. jeez, broads.
Voyager5555: So it's fine to be a scumbag as long as they don't know? Yeah, broads be crazy.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1400770250 | 1400798433 | t3_267ob5 | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by leading a guy on
Actually last weekend, but I still feel bad about it.
I just moved to a new city so I've been going to Meetup events. There was a house party on Saturday, so I put on my dancing shoes and headed over. The party was fine, lots of 20-30 something nerds playing beer pong and eating snacks. I wandered outside and found some people eating a sandwich (in the [How I Met Your Mother](http://2plunq3tkzat3cwrit1poghlzw7.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/7/2014/04/sandwich-how-i-met-your-mother.jpeg) sense), and decided to join them. One of the guys was cute, not really my type, but at a party full of strangers I decided to talk to him.
Fast forward a few hours and a few sandwiches, the party is dying down and this guy wants to go to a diner near his house for waffles. I decide (maybe stupidly) to go, as does one other guy. So we go to the diner, I order cheese fries and immediately become unimpressed by anything else. Waffle boy asks if I want to go back to his house, he has a *fancy* sandwich there. In my defense, he wasn't making any obvious advances, I guess I thought maybe it was just friendly? In more likelihood, after drinking and smoking for hours, I just didn't think anything at all.
Predictably, back at his house he starts laying on the moves and I realize I am just NOT interested in that at all. It wasn't his fault, I just wasn't feeling it. I made excuses and left and now I feel like a huge bitch. I know I'm under no obligation to sleep with him or whatever, but still, TIFU.
TL;DR Met a guy at a party, talked for awhile, went to a diner, went back to his place, rejected the hook up, went home.
Rattatoskk: Yeah, you pretty much wasted his whole night. Presumably, there were other girls at the party he could have been talking to, and you led him on to a ridiculous extent.
You had like.. 3 very clear opportunities to break it off before it ended up at his place. Each of them would have sent a clear signal and spared his feelings (and his night!)
You didn't just waste his night though. You wasted his whole week.
He's going to be reviewing that night for months trying to figure out where he went wrong. It'll probably lead him to some conclusion about something he's already got low self esteem about, reinforcing doubts in his mind that he tries to keep under wraps in public.
So, yeah, You suck pretty hard right now. Please call him and clear the air before you waste anymore of his time by taking up space in his head and making him question himself.
I feel really sad for waffle guy. Enough to want to send him a condolence letter.
[deleted]: Dude, he just didn't get laid. she didn't punch him in the face as he was leaving; he simply didn't have sex that night. It's unfortunate that it might have been a blow to his self esteem, but you're laying it on a bit thick there guy. I like sex as much as the next biologically functional human being but good god it's not that important.
Rattatoskk: I disagree.
She's still thinking about it a week later and feels awful about it. How does he feel? Worse, I bet, and with the ambiguity of not knowing why things went the way they did.
She knows every detail and how she felt. He has none of that exposition. All he can do is guess and hope that he knows how to improve his chances next time.
It'll be in the back of his mind for a while. Meanwhile, all she has to do is pick up a phone and explain, or get off again on the right foot.
Me saying this doesn't make me an asshole. It's just pointing out the obvious.
She knows exactly how to make herself stop feeling bad about it, while helping out a guy and making a friend in the process.
[deleted]: Woah bro, I didn't call you an asshole, slow your roll. I said you over reacted. Anyways, you're saying this all under the assumption that the guy in question has bad enough self esteem to sit a week after the event and obsess over it. While it's possible he does, you don't know man. Also, you have no idea if she has his phone number. Furthermore, it's not a national crime that this guy's pride was hurt. It happens to everyone, man or woman, and like big boys and girls, we get the hell over it and move on with our lives instead of bitching about it. I understand the emotion your saying he might have, as I have anxiety and obsess over all of my mistakes, but I don't then go and blame the person who might have made me feel bad, because my feelings are my personal responsibility and not theirs. It sucks what happened but calling would be socially unacceptable anyways because she rejected him and if he's really that hurt by it then he needs to take a look at himself and why he needs outside validation to feel good about himself.
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1400770967 | 1400862983 | t3_267pip | t5_2to41 | 4 | throwawayaccount539: TIFU by scoring a 610 on the SAT Math Level 2 exam.
My university mandates that all incoming freshman take one of the SAT math subject tests for the purpose of placement (a 600+ score will allow for a student to be assigned to Calculus 1 in freshman year). For some strange and inconceivable reason, I opted to take the level two subject test despite my strong deficits in mathematics (my overall SAT score may be a 2070, but my SAT I math score was only a 570). When I took the test, I began to realize that I was skipping way too many problems to get a good score, and I had a strong sinking feeling when I walked out of the testing center. My fears were confirmed this morning when I checked the CollegeBoard's website in search of the May 3rd SAT math subject test scores; despite all of my studying and preparation, I only managed to obtain a 610 (25th percentile!) on the test. In other words, 75% of the general population is better at math than me, and I'm basically a moron. Although any score above 600 would have satisfied my university's requirement, my *extremely* low evaluation will now make me look like a laughing stock when I hand my subject test scores to an academic counselor at orientation.
[deleted]: This is what OP is talking about.
[link](http://www.collegeboard.com/prod_downloads/highered/ra/sat/SAT_subject_tests_percentile_ranks.pdf)
Subject tests are not the same as the regular SAT.
pikls: Does that mean a 610 is the 39th percentile, or did I misintepret that?
[deleted]: It could be a test from a different year.
| 4 | 1 | |
1400773972 | 1400814233 | t3_267uox | t5_2to41 | 115 | AuchnotOuch: TIFU by shitting on my hand.
So there I was scrubbing dishes in my kitchen while listening to some music on my headphones. My partner was in the living room watching Netflix when I walked on out to collect more dishes that needed washing. While in the living room, the sudden urge to fart came upon me and I went ahead and let it rip. It was one of those hot, silent kind. My stomach wasn't bothering me so I didn't think I needed to shit. However, just in case a little came out, I went ahead and put my hand down my pants to make sure the inside of my ass cheeks were dry and clean. My partner and I are both extremely comfortable with each other because, you know, we like each others penises and assholes anyways, so farting and "scratching" our asses wasn't taboo.
Anyways, with my hands in my pants, I parted my ass cheeks with my thumb and middle finger, like an anal speculum, and for a second felt that everything was as dry as Arizona. But then, as if the Hoover Dam itself broke open, I felt a hot and runny substance come shooting out my butthole into my open-palmed hand. I froze in place and immediately whispered fuck. I looked over to my partner wide eyed, and we locked glances. He nonchalantly asked if I had just shit myself, and I simply accepted defeat and said yes.
He immediately started dying of laughter as I started waddling towards the bathroom with one hand down my pants, shit still in hand. Once I made it, I shut the door, shat the remaining colon juices, jumped in the shower, and silently cried while contemplating my life in its current state.
**tl; dr:** I really shouldn't have tested the muddy waters.
**Edit:** Accidentally a word or two.
[deleted]: Wait wait ... Am I the weird one here? Why hasn't anyone commented on the checking your asshole with your bare hands then farting?!
Never in my life had I had the desire to check my asshole with my bare hands... Then ... While spreading apart my hole... fart.
Not judging OP, it's your asshole, do as you wish.
Also curious, what was the plan after? Were you going to wash your hands in the kitchen? Or just pick up the remote and change the channel with asshole hands? Just curious... This isn't a phenomenon I am aware of.
TL;DR Stop shaking people's hands because some of them check their assholes by touch.
AuchnotOuch: Well, I didn't purposely fart when I spread my hole apart. It just released everything behind the sphincter muscle. I don't do this all the time. It was just a mysterious fart. And yes, whenever I feel the need to check myself just in case, I will wash my hands before I touch anything. I was already washing dishes, so if I didn't shit, I would have washed my hands when I went back to the kitchen.
[deleted]: Ha ! I was really just being funny man. This story made me LOL. Thanks for posting!
Again ... I was just being funny, not serious.
AuchnotOuch: Hahaha it's all good. I have a very hard time interpreting voice when it comes to text. Hahaha I didn't think you were rude or anything. I gave you an upvote.
| 5 | 23 | |
1400776696 | 1400794272 | t3_267zea | t5_2to41 | 7 | Peppper: TIFU by leaving a 12-pack of beer in the bottom of a shopping cart in the grocery store parking lot.
I went back to get it 30 minutes later and it was still there : )
PM_ME_YOUR_ASS_PICS_: When I was younger, I worked at a grocery store. If any of the guys grabbing the carts saw that someone left something behind, they would report it to the manager. If you came back and said what you left, they would just let you grab a new one. Happened quite a lot.
Peppper: I figured that, I was more worried that someone else would notice it and just take it. Free beer!
borntobewildish: That beer should have made a lucky hobo's day.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1400779806 | 1400814035 | t3_2684zq | t5_2to41 | 19 | boychuckberry: TIFU by watching porn at full volume in my appartment
I am an idiot. I for some reason assumed that everyone was gone but it wasn't even 12:30 and I was watching some fucked up shit, lets just say, and when I exit the bathroom this girl who is, thankfully, only staying here for another week in the kitchen. Didn't even realize it till I exit the room. She immediately calls someone to talk about moving into her real place early. I am so full of fucking shame and I want to die. And she's friends with the people here so she will almost certainly tell them and I will become a leper. There goes my life.
pokethedeadkid: everyone beats it, and if they say they don't 1. they're liars 2. they're fucked up and NOT normal. also just about everyone gets caught at least once.
boychuckberry: It would be fine if it was just moans but I wasn't so lucky
thatlazydude: The fuck were you watching
whalezzzzZz: Yeah what were you watching? For research.
thatlazydude: OP, for the sake of research, pls deliver.
| 6 | 3.166667 | |
1400783214 | 1400873370 | t3_268avx | t5_2to41 | 232 | MyBadBrossef: TIFU by sending my brother a naked photo of myself
Snapchat is glorious, isn't it? I managed to send a naked photo of myself to my brother, rather than my partner. After drinking a fair amount of inebriating substances, I thought my girl would enjoy seeing a bit of the ole' dickaroo. Taking a photo of myself and adding a caption "can't wait to fuck you" (suave, I know) was easy; sending it to the right person, however, proved harder. In my drunken haze I managed to tap his name instead of hers. Seeing that little red arrow next to his name was pretty shattering. He's away at the moment on a camping trip and hasn't opened it yet.. What do?
Edit: He's back and has opened it. Haven't talked to him yet, but he's not answering texts. Family dinner tonight; this should be awkward.
Edit2: He was okay with it.. Dinner was pretty awkward. I sat down next to him and he winked at me and said "Can't wait to fuck you, either".. /r/wincest is going to have fun with that one. Funny story to tell the grandchildren, anyways (Just joking, for those who thought I was serious)
sabotsailor: Maybe you will get lucky and receive something back!
dantejfh1: the thought of seeing my brother naked or him seeing me naked is completely disgusting, but this comment made me laugh way to hard!
sabotsailor: You know what they say "incest is wincest"
dantejfh1: gross. really gross.
GoingPole2Pole: /r/wincest
dantejfh1: is there a sub-reddit for everything here?
GoingPole2Pole: /r/everything
dantejfh1: touche o' wise one. touche.
| 9 | 25.777778 | |
1400781907 | 1400860981 | t3_2688ls | t5_2to41 | 3,675 | AllThePrettyLlamas: TIFU by shitting myself in a final.
So this happened this morning, and I'm still cowering in bed trying to come to term with the ramifications of what I've done.
So this morning was one of my three final exams, which constitutes a rather large chunk of my final grade in that course. As if that wasn't enough pressure, this is my final undergrad year and I want to get onto a good masters course so really need my grades to be good this year. My body had other ideas...
I've always had a pretty grumbly stomach - I take a pill every morning to sort it out - which can be exacerbated by stress. So I wake up super early this morning to cram a few more hours of revision, and am feeling worse than usual - I tell myself it's going to be ok, that I just need to calm down and focus. On my way to the exam it was getting worse - and the rumbling sensation was moving further down towards my colon. I was getting worried - and asked one of the moderators if there was anything to be done as I was feeling sick. They said there was nothing they could do at this short notice, and that I would just have to alert them if I thought anything was wrong.
So an hour into the exam, what started out as sounding like a distant thunderstorm has developed into a full on squelchy, gassy, emergency. I'm trying my best not to fart as there are about 200 other students in the exam hall but it's making me feel worse. I take a sip of water, and not ten seconds later I feel it - I want to run out, seek help, anything, just to be removed from my helpless position. But I know it's too late, and as I sit on my hard wooden chair I feel my sphincter admit defeat. It wasn't explosive diarrhoea, rather it resembled a slow hot spring. It oozed out, bubbling slightly, as it sat in my pants like brown organic pancake batter. Also released were the pent up farts that escaped like the last breaths of a dying man. I sat in my seat, frozen. I didn't know what to do - I was at the back but in the farthest corner of the door, and I knew if I stood up everyone would know. I sat there, contemplating just staying and finishing the exam. But then the smell started to hit me, and to my horror I saw its impact spread. People were starting to sniff the air, and look around in confusion, like a family of meerkats on watch duty.
In a moment of sheer illogical madness, I figured that the best thing to cover my tracks would be to throw up - at least then I could pin the whole thing on illness. So I stick my pen down my throat, but to my horror, nothing. No vomit. Instead, my classmates turn around as they hear me gagging on a pen, with tears streaming down my face, and a smell worse the cleanup operation of 2 girls 1 cup eminating from my vicinity. It all became too much, and I just decided to run out - trying not to look at the disgusted faces of those who were caught by the stinkwave that followed me. I ran to the disabled bathroom and locked myself in for an hour, crying from both embarrasment and trauma, washing my pants in the sink. I then ran home and am probably going to have to hide here for the rest of my life :( I've been emailing my professor, asking to re sit, but at the moment it just looks like I'll have failed the exam.
TLDR; shat myself in an exam, probably can't do a masters anymore.
ohgodkillrbees: You always take a pre-game dump. Rookie mistake.
smartalec98: I always find it difficult to poop in the morning. Then I'll need to shit really bad all day. Finally when I get home I no longer need to shit for some reason.
[deleted]: Drink coffee...it energizes me and gets me ready for my day and part of that is it makes me shit almost instantaneously upon consumption.
mankstar: Yep. Every day at work 9:00 AM poop time as soon as I have my coffee, like clockwork.
noobercakes: ...Milo?
rainbowplethora: No. There's something in coffee that induces pooping, I think it may be the caffeine. ~~Milk~~ Milo definitely doesn't have the same effect.
tilsitforthenommage: Tis caffeine, stimulates the bowel.
the_gym_rat: I dunno tho. I am a personal trainer and i can down a two serving "gym" energy drink and not have to deuce. One cup of coffee empties me every time. It's gotta be caffeine and something else in tne coffee to do it.
rainbowplethora: My 600mL Coke every day at lunch used to do it for me.
Although, I am a frequent pooper anyway.
| 10 | 367.5 | |
1400785381 | 1400857002 | t3_268elq | t5_2to41 | 12 | india88: TIFU by trusting a flush
So, I went on a second date with a cute guy. It went well, we decided to move the action to his house in the mountains (I live in Denver, so it's not that uncommon). On the way we picked up a bottle of wine and a movie to watch. Cut to his living room, everything is going well, cuddling progresses to kissing, which progresses to turning off the movie and heading to the bedroom.
Now, it was only the second date, and although I was 100% down for "extra-curriculars," I wasn't planning to sleep with him, so I hadn't worried too much about one small issue - my body had some extra-curriculars of its own going on. Technical difficulties, I told him, that part of me is out-of-commission for the next week or so. He understood, it's all good; I went to the bathroom, took care of my business, *flushed of course*, and we got back to making out.
So, that comes to an end eventually, and he went to the bathroom while I stayed and cuddled with his dog (who had been trying to spoon with us the whole time - another awkward story). He came back to bed, kissed goodnight, went to sleep.
*Cue ominous music*
In the middle of the night, I got up to go to the bathroom. I was proud of myself for finding the light switch and not tripping over anything, and then I looked down and OHMYGODHOLYSHITTELLMEI'MHAVINGABADDREAM. In the toilet was a huge, nasty, bloody, wet mess. I don't know. I just don't know what happened. Maybe it came back on its own? Maybe when he flushed it brought everything back up? I don't know. I just don't know.
Anyway, I flushed it all down. And then flushed again. And one more time to be safe. And then I went back to bed and didn't say anything about it. Neither did he. In the morning we got breakfast and he drove me home, cool as a cucumber. I'm still not 100% sure if he saw it, but I haven't seen him again since.
djTyeDup: Guys aren't as grossed out about this stuff as you would think. If he saw it, he would have flushed it... Not left it. Relax! Give him a call. Nature be nature.
Explains_shit_wrong: Guy here, we know it can be really bad and any guy who has been dating past his teenage years will have seen it before. Please also don't flush your pad/tampon, wrap it in TP and stick it in the bin, have to deal with that stuff at work in the past and while it's not as bad as cleaning shit and menstrual blood off a cubical wall, it's still not an awesome way to sepnd a Wednesday afternoon.
skatterbug: Your username belies the clarity of your wisdom
Explains_shit_wrong: Meh, this throwaway/novelty has reached it's 9000 karma limit, time to close it down and start another.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1400790066 | 1400796027 | t3_268mn9 | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU and had a shitty day.
So today was fucking bullshit.
I felt like shit all night. Freezing cold, but drenched in sweat. No sleep all night. Fucking bullshit.
Really seriously debate calling in to work this morning. Need money, so I don't.
Day is going pretty good. Stomach kinda hurts, but not too bad. Mostly just cranky.
Que fart.
So my coworker that is preggo is in the bathroom currently. I'm standing at desk and let out the TINIEST little fart.
Not a fart.
A shart.
FML. I have a client coming into salon in 30mins. Oh shit, stomach still rumbling. You can stop a turd once you start. You can't. It's science.
Run into back room that is a closet basically.
Do I have time to run downstairs? Yes.
Do I have time to wait for coworker to come back upstairs to salon so I can go to bathroom? No.
Can I lock up and make it to the bathroom? NO!
Oh fuck. Waited too long trying to decide what to do. Feel massive wet shit coming. Do I just shit in my pants? What if she comes back? WHAT DO I DO?!?!
I shit in a garbage can in the break room. That's what I fucking did. #YOLO
It doesn't stink. Thank god! But whoa! That looks like blood... A lot of blood. I'll google it later.
Good, she isn't back upstairs yet. What do now? Pants around ankles cleaning up with salon towels. What am I going to do if she comes back! I seriously don't know!
Think quick
Pull up pants. Throw towels and all the evidence into trash.
Oh fuck, I shit on side of trash can. One more towel missing won't hurt.
She's still not back upstairs.
Grab shit trash and throw into bin in lobby of work.
Whew! I did it! Didn't get caught. But now I have to deal with the shitty underwear I have on.
She's back! Excuse myself and run to bathroom.
Put another towel in smock on the way. I don't know how bad damage is.
Nobody is in building public bathroom.
Thank jeebus!
Standing at sink naked from waist down. Just a t-shirt on. Washing underwear in sink.
I still have two clients left today.
Have to put wet underwear back on, just in the event another accident happens.
Miserable.
Sweating bullets through next two clients.
Can barely keep a conversation going.
All I can think about is pooping.
Pooping.
Runt to bathroom between clients.
Stomach totally cashed.
Still shitting what looks like blood to me. Still haven't googled it yet.
I have one hour left.
Fuck today.
TL;DR - you can't trust your butthole after 30.
chr0m389: If you cut peoples hair and you purposely went in sick. Go fuck your self
[deleted]: When you're poor taking a day off isn't really a choice.
chr0m389: You going in sick affects other ppl. If you worked in a cubicle or something idgaf
[deleted]: It's not like I was sick with flu or anything. It was literally the one instance. By the time I got home I was fine.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1400788725 | 1400795347 | t3_268kfn | t5_2to41 | 4 | RegularWhiteShark: TIFU by telling my friend to get a life.
This was actually back in 2007, when I was 14.
It was bonfire night, and I was going to a bonfire/fireworks display around 25 miles from where I lived, (had a huge crush on a girl who lived near there), which is quite a distance when you live in North Wales. My friend had quite strict parents, and would always try to find an excuse not to let her go to places.
So we were talking on MSN, and I offered to give her a lift to counter their latest reason ("neither of us can take you!"). Well, I thought I did. I type fast and wasn't paying much attention, and actually typed, "Aww, I can give you a life if you want?"
She didn't reply for a while, and I only noticed what I'd put after she hadn't replied for about ten minutes. Cue desperate apologies.
She didn't end up going to the bonfire with me.
EXTRA FUCK UP:
You'd think this would have taught me to pay attention to what I type, but it didn't, when I threatened a guy with, "do that and I'll kiss your arse!" instead of 'kick'.
borntobewildish: So, the guy proceeded to do the thing you wanted to stop him doing, or just died laughing? And did you kiss his ass?
RegularWhiteShark: I think he just laughed at me. He was teasing me for something else. And no, I didn't kiss his arse. :P
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1400784070 | 1401525544 | t3_268cc9 | t5_2to41 | 32 | ButtplugBlues: TIFU by sending my mother, father, and brother to fetch buttplugs from my old apartment...
Throwaway because I need to preserve my dignity while I can.
My dad and I love to prank and play jokes on each other. He's definitely better than I am at it, but a couple of months ago, I came up with a golden idea.
My father is a pilot for a large airline company. He's gone maybe two to four days some weeks, so he always takes a suitcase with him. My amazing evil plan came to me when I was at the airport waiting in line to go through the X-ray machine thing and realized that the the pilots would have to go through them, too. I hatched a plan.
I sacrificed my amazon purchasing history and bought a set of buttplugs, a carefully-chosen set that included I bottle of lube with the blatant label ANAL LUBE on the side. My plan: to sneak into my parents' house on the eve of one of his departures and place the plugs and lube into his suitcase. The payoff would probably be painful (bruises, threats on my life), but it would certainly be beautiful.
The plugs arrived and were just as glorious as I imagined them to be. Bright pink and in assorted sizes! Glorious. The plan was coming together.
Then life caught up with me. I had to move out of my apartment, and I was being rushed by my annoying roommate to get my stuff out of the apartment. Plans of buttplug sabotage fell on the back burner. The prank would have to wait until I moved out. Problem is, my schedule is absurdly packed and I have no time to drive out to BFE to get it. Good news is, my parents love me and volunteered to go get my stuff for me. It's only about a box's worth, anyway. Not too big a deal.
I just sent them on their way from my place of employment with my key. Then I remembered the buttplugs. I'm so fucked.
Tl;dr - Parents are probably going to find buttplugs in their son's apartment room. Explanation above. Fuck my life.
borntobewildish: Well, that's going to take some living down, probably 10 years if you don't explain at all. 20 if you tell your dad the actual purpose. 15 if you say you bought them as a present for someone.
To me the only viable survival strategy seems to be: prepare a straight face, and when they present you with the naughty materials say "why did you take my roommates buttplugs? he's going to be so mad when he finds out."
OverlordTank: I agree with this strategy in general, but I think phrasing it in such a way sounds a bit contrived (and begs the question of why he's so confident they belong to the roommate, as opposed to being props in a prank from the father or just confused as to how they ended up with his possessions for instance). Perhaps he can go on the offensive and contact his family (as opposed to radio silence, which will just cause the awkwardness to fester and affirm his 'guilt' in their minds) and be like "hey thanks again for packing my apartment up, but wtf is this?", let them reply ("we assumed it was yours since it was with your stuff") and THEN assign blame to the roommate and feign outrage/amusement/whatever ("Definitely not mine! Must be my roommate's idea of a joke after I told him I was sending you guys to the apartment. What a dick!").
borntobewildish: Clever! I have to admit, that's the suprior startegy, however slightly more complicated. If he can pull it of though, briljant!
OverlordTank: Why thank you very much! Your assertion is absolutely correct though; it may be too complicated to work. I suppose it primarily depends on how competently OP can lie to his family and defuse their suspicions.
| 5 | 6.4 | |
1400793000 | 1400807930 | t3_268rps | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by scratching myself and making a typing error
These two happened on different days. The first one still makes me cringe when I think about it. I live in the country and was doing yardwork over the weekend, which earned me a few particularly nasty chigger bites all over my legs, ankles, and more sensitive areas. If anyone reading this doesn't know what a chigger is; you live a privileged life, lol. So I was setting up a projector in the meeting room of our top VP's for a high level conference that was about to take place. When I completed, I went to the service elevator and pushed the button, prepared to wait the typical 10+ minutes for it to get to me, since it's the top floor of a skyrise building and the elevator gives priority to whoever is in it, rather than external users.
Since the service elevator is tucked into an unused corner down a hall, I go to give my chigger bites a good scratching. You're not supposed to, but they were driving me crazy. This particular elevator does not make any pinging sounds or alerts when it arrives, due to it not being the primary one. In my moment of distraction, viciously going to town on myself, the elevator suddenly opens and like a bad sitcom, the VP's are all in it. They look immediately to me, the horrified girl with her hand on her crotch and made a few coughing sounds and looked away. I mumbled a brief "uh, excuse me", and turned around to go take the stairs instead. Anonymity is not on my side either, they all know who I am, lol
On a side note, climbing down a skyscrapers worth of stairs, from the top floor to the bottom, works as its own method of scratching bad itches. XD
The other TIFU is when I was having an instant message conversation with a co-worker. I have nerve damage in my hands from a past injury, so typing is not always an accurate endeavor on my part. When I'm having quick conversations about work material, I usually just type "kk" when someone says something that needs acknowledgment.
"I finished the files, they're ready for you"
Aaaannd I wound up typing three k's and hitting enter. Yep, my co-worker is African American. Luckily we've worked together over a year and she came into my office just to laugh at me over it, while I sat there completely red faced. I told her she now has carte blanche to make Jewish jokes at me to make up for it.
[deleted]: I typo "sec" as "sex" all the time, and only mostly notice and correct it. So yeah, understandable. But it's a typo, for goodness sakes. It should really only be a problem if you meant to type "Okay, see you in a few minutes" but instead accidentally typed "Please burn in the lowest pit in the fires of hell" or something. ;-)
keetaypants: "Gimme a sex"
"OMG quit drunk texting me"
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1400789777 | 1400808156 | t3_268m5k | t5_2to41 | 48 | mibbsy: TIFU by almost drowning a four year-old
This story takes place when I was a mere child of fourteen years; filled with hopes and dreams. And (mostly) inexperienced in the field of almost drowning small children.
During this time I was visiting my friend in America and, due to it being hot as fuck outside, we decided to journey down to this Christian water-park thing with her Mom and her two nephews. However one of these two nephews is HUGE; He's about 3 feet tall and weighs about 100 lbs. And, when it comes to this chubnugget wanting to get in the pool and such, he literally can't fit into any of the life-jackets that they had, while also not being able to swim.
This is all fine and good, up until he wants to get on a water-slide and my friend and I, being the little fourteen year-old soldiers we were, have to haul these two children up what seemed to be, 3 flights of stairs and then both go down the slide with these kiddos.
Originally, my friend and I agreed that she would take the larger child because I had weak and unmanly arms and she was 'used to carrying him anyway', while I could take the thinner, three year-old. However, after a little while of trekking up the stairs, the three year-old decides he dislikes me and goes with my friend instead, meaning that we have to switch kids and I get the chubbster.
The issue doesn't really become apparent until we're hitting the bottom of the slide (me, with chubby-umpkins in hand) and I notice that there is actually a load of waves coming from the force of the slide water. Before I can formulate a plan on how to save myself and the kiddo, I'm under the water, and under a very large child.
Had I had any arm-strength at all, this would have been a very easy situation to get myself out of. However, as it was, I was a weakling and was stuck under that water for a good minute or so, trying to hold the kiddo over my head to no great avail. It was after that 'minute or so' that I decided it would be best to let go of the kid and catch him before any more damage could be done.
I noticed that my plan had, seemingly, failed when I popped up and out of the water and saw his chubby little arm floating away with the current, then become submerged by water.
It also became apparent to me at this time that he couldn't swim.
*What had I done?*
With his tiny, chubby arm, went the rest of my dreams of growing up to have children. In the small moment that I watched his chubby little arm drift away, I felt the lasting pieces of my soul drift away with it.
Gladly, a lifeguard came along and pulled him out and the child was saved.
I am a terrible person.
**EDIT:** Grammar and stuff. Sorry to disappoint, drowning children isn't exactly a dream of mine.
Mckee92: Eh, sounds like he had terrible parents. Seriously, i) if the kid cant swim, why let him go on water slides, ii) sounds like he's dangerously fat iii) entrusting a 14 year old to care for a stupidly fat child that cant swim in a water park, of all places, is irresponsible.
telepaper: That guy's absolutely right. If your kid can't swim, don't let him wander around a WATERslide park without a life-jacket or something. Also, he sounds morbidly obese, wich may also be some kind of problem
| 3 | 16 | |
1400794812 | 1400964655 | t3_268us4 | t5_2to41 | 18 | Nothate: TIFU By showing a group of old ladies a naked photo of my girlfriend.
So today I went to a shirt making place to make up some shirts for my buddies bachelor party. Well I found this awesome photo on the web of a bachelor shirt that I wanted to kind of recreate so I saved the photo on my phone. Well I get to the shirt place and start talking to two lovely older woman and I show them the photo of the idea I wanted to recreate for the bachelor party. Then it happens. I had forgetten about the nude photos my gal pal had sent me the night before that I had saved to my phone as well. I hit the swipe why the old ladies are looking at it and there is just a full frontal picture of my girlfriend now on the screen!!!
As soon as I realized I instantly turned it back and they just looked at me. So I quickly paid for the shirts and left! I don't want to return in a week or two when I have to go pick them shirts up.
vladtaltos: Maybe you should post it here as well so we know how badly you fucked up.....
Nothate: What?
Kuurankukka: the picture...
Nothate: She would murder me.... but nice try!
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1400796792 | 1400812540 | t3_268y19 | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU Pulling up porn in class
So I'm sitting in class now writing this, literally just happened. LMAO.
Last night I had to use my phone for my wank session because my laptop has been messed up. Well anyways I guess I didn't close the tab from Google chrome on my phone, just hit the home button and continued on. Well in my class I sit all the way in the front and its easily visible to see my screen on my phone if I turn it on.
So I went ahead and unlocked my phone, and clicked on Google chrome to search how to do some rational functions and low and behold, there's a pair of huge tits with a fat cock in between them and sperm everywhere.
The two girls sitting behind me didn't make this a quiet observation. They busted out laughing and went ahead and told pretty much the whole class.
I'm still sitting here like the bawse I am, have absolutely no shame and will probably go home and wank to the fact that these girls knew I wanked. Lmao.
nofucksgiven
Still a pretty funny fuck up, can't wait to hear what they will say after class. Ill update in case anything golden pops up.
Humbledinosaur: Good on you for not giving any fucks, this may work in your favor!
Apatheticunt: Yea. If porn has taught me anything, it's that those 2 girls will probably end up fucking OP.
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1400805361 | 1400821045 | t3_269b16 | t5_2to41 | 18 | 1800Redcross: TIFU By taking tylenol
This actually happened a few weeks ago, but I think its still pretty pertinent
Everything started on the weekend of my SAT, where I woke up and immediately realized I was either sick, or in the grasp of allergies, or something. It was one of those times where you wake up and your throat feels like its been coated with sandpaper, and your nose feels like its been filled with elmers glue sticks. Now, as I'm out of bed and attempting to toast some waffles, I thought "well shit, I'd better take some tylenol to keep me alive during this 5 hour SAT". And I did exactly that. Two tylenol and two more in a sandwich baggie for consumption during one of the breaks.
Naturally, I took my sandwich-baggie tylenol, then two more later in the afternoon. Then Two more before bed, and two more Sunday morning. I repeated this process on monday, until I felt a bit better on tuesday. In celebration of finally feeling better on Tuesday, I asked my mom if she'd make some curry that night. Mom happily obliged, and made an all-too-edible curry rice and chicken dinner. However, as you can probably guess, the curry was the last straw for my NSAID-tortured stomach, and I found this out in a quite unpleasant manner at around 3am that night.
0310 Hours, Wednesday Night, May 7th. I awoke with one of those stomach ache's that's trying to tell you "its time to take a shit, and it most certainly won't be a nice shit, because that would be too convenient at 3am." So, with motivation no greater than not wanting to shit in my own bed, I mosied on over to the toilet to cleanse my bowels. This is where I truly realized the scale of my fuck up; as the rectum-scorching diarrhea exited my bowels my stomach ache intensified by nearly 20 times. It felt as if my intestines were plucked out of my stomach with some off-brand chop sticks that you'd get at harris teeter. The pain was so bad that I was on the verge of blacking out right there on the toilet.
This cycle of terrible tummy pain and sulfuric-acid shits continued for another **3 hours**. By the time the sun rose Wednesday morning, I was defeated. My asshole was no longer an asshole, it was a warzone. My stomach had been racked with pain so badly that it felt nonexistant. This was a TIFU that I would not wish upon my worst enemies.
And now I have a PTSD-like fear of tylenol, along with homemade curry.
Edit: occasional grammar.
lorenzo22: It's possible that the tylenol made a bleeding issue worse. However, I'm sure curry wasn't the best thing to eat after trying to get over an illness.
BasedJoey_: No, it's not a blood thinner/NSAID.
| 3 | 6 | |
1400809962 | 1400811346 | t3_269hty | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by almost killing myself (long);(TLDR)
First of all I would like to say that I am just a normal lurker and have never submitted a post before, but the thing I did today, scaring the shit out of me motivated me to do so.
So the last couple of days I have been constantly going to bed at around 7 in the morning, waking up at around 14 and doing hardly anything all day (besides fitness workout and running outside). I am also on a very strict eating regime and have very low calorie intake with hardly any carbohydrates, which results in relevant lack of power. So today I also got up at around 2, then ate and as normally sat on my computer. At around 5 I began to feel very sleepy and decided to do something productively - tidy my room. I was getting easily distracted by people chatting to me so I finished at around 19 o'clock.
Then I began to feel sleepy again and remembered I have recently bought some strong coffee. It is important to be noted that I drink coffee hardly ever (I bought this coffee to drink it before running as the idea was to act as a stimulant). So I didn't have a spoon and spilled the coffee direct from the jar into my shaker. Unfortunately I kinda overdosed and spilled too much but decided just to dissolve it in more water - to be accurate in 500ml. Then I started drinking it but it was so tasty that my stupid ass drank the whole freaking liquid. After 10 minutes I started to feel kinda dizzy - It felt kinda nice and I wasn't worried at all about it. Then in the next hour I started to feel kinda weak but didn't pay too much attention. Then followed 1 hour in which the symptoms were almost gone and then the dizziness struck me again.
This time it was much more severe. I ate some tomatoes, a grapefruit and some fish I had left, cooked from yesterday, but everything was getting worse - the feeling of weakness (not sleepiness) and dizziness increased. I decided to take a shower but 2 minutes after I was in I felt like I was literally going to faint. At that time my heart was beating so fast that I thought that it would explode. I quickly got out, dressed myself and went to the kitchen (I live in a dorm) and told my neighbors what has happened. At that time I was freaked out as hell. They suggested to go for a walk, in fresh air and drink a lot of water. I followed their advice and after a nice walk and tons of water I was feeling better.
Then after 1 hour spent in the kitchen in their company I was times better and now (8 hours after I drank the coffee) I am feeling pretty good.
I really don't know if this what happened could have ended in the worse scenario, but nevertheless it scared the shit out of me!
TL;DR: TIFU by drinking shitload of coffee which resulted in me almost receiving a heart attack
EDIT: Forgot to mention that I am 19yo
SwampMidget: Holy CRAP! I endured that whole f'ing regurgitation and the payoff is that you had a dizzy spell. Glad you feel better but FUCK that post sucked.
p.s. why don't you add some shit to the post to make it more interesting....something about bikers meth and hookers or somethin....spice it up
Nahalitet: While I was walking outside (around 11pm, and there was nobody on the street + I live in a kinda desolated area of the town, near a very big park) I was still feeling dizzy. At that time my scumbag brain decided to bring to light all of the alien abduction posts I have read recently. So imagine what kind of drama would have happened if only a tiny little faint occurred at that time
SwampMidget: aliens r a good start! now you're on to somethin' don't forget to talk about the "probes" ppl love talkin bout bein probed by aliens
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1400801788 | 1400898069 | t3_2695mq | t5_2to41 | 6 | jimmikins: TIFU by giving the wrong directions
So I was walking down the road with a friend, when a car pulled up next to us. Someone rolled the window down, and it was an old lady.
"Hello," she said
Me and my friend replied the same way back.
"Do either of you know how to get to the high school?" she asked.
I don't know why she wanted to go to the high school, but whatever.
My friend couldn't remember the exact directions at the time, so I stepped in.
I told her to go left at a gas station, right at an intersection, and go down the road until she saw a sign. She replied with-
"Why thank you," and followed the directions. It was just a few seconds after I gave her the directions, my friend reminded me...
"Isn't the high school in the other direction?"
SHIT! I forgot to tell her to turn around before she went.
That poor old woman was probably lost, and it was my fault.
If that nice old woman is reading this... sorry.
TL;DR version:
A sweet old lady asked for directions, and I forgot to tell her one very crucial step.
That was my fuck up of the day.
Nahalitet: Not a big deal. I sent two foreign girls in the wrong side of my town. They were looking for the TU in the city but I gave them directions to another one without realising. When It came to my mind what I have actually done, they had already caught the wrong bus - in the exact opposite direction.
jimmikins: It happens. I have to admit looking back on the event, I kind of chuckle a little.
Am I going to hell?
Nahalitet: Most certainly not :D
Unless you brutally kill someone with no apparent reason.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1400805959 | 1400820238 | t3_269bxd | t5_2to41 | 43 | holyerthanthou: TIFU by telling the other lifeguard it was a penny.
I was a fill in lifeguard at a pool and there was a full class of 2nd graders in the pool and had been for some time.
One of the on-staff guards flagged me over... pointed and asked what that copper looking thing in the water was.
I wandered over leaned over the pool and sure enough, that looks like a god damn penny, so I told her "It's a penny".
3 hours later the little fucknuggets leave and she comes over with a bucket of Chlorine and tells me "It wasn't a penny".
40+ 7 year olds swimming around in some other 7 year olds 'too lazy to get out' poo stamp for three hours. That was a very cleverly disguised poo. Sadly it isnt that uncommon.
RnRaintnoisepolution: what a little shit.
thatlazydude: Something was done here...
| 3 | 14.333333 | |
1400812091 | 1400843036 | t3_269kxc | t5_2to41 | 20 | ifeeltrapped1234: TIFU by talking about my dick with my cousin
My cousin twice removed and I met about a week ago at a family event and I was quite nervous of her. I luckily got over it and after going to the movies and stuff, we exchanged contact info and talked this whole week.
Well eventually the topic lead to her talking about how one of her friends is always bragging about how long his dick is and I had to explain that having a pencil dick isn't good. We were laughing and I told her that when I was in middle school, mine was extremely small but out of now where it grew and now my girlfriend calls it mamba.
We talked about that for a bit longer and we eventually went to sleep and the next day I hadn't heard from her and knew something was wrong. Turns out her parents went through her phone and found our conversation. What makes this ten times worse is that her parents LOVED me and thought I was a great guy but now I think they maaaaay want to kill me. We can't talk for a while which sucks because I really like talking to her. This is definitely not one of my brighter moments.....
GreatOwl1: She was probably weirded out and was texting "hahah" for a lack of any other idea of what to respond with.
ifeeltrapped1234: She was the one asking about it
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1400816959 | 1400869819 | t3_269rog | t5_2to41 | 337 | bitmydickthrowaway: TIFU by accidentally biting myself in the dick
So tonight, I decided it would be a good night for me to get high. I was home alone, and had all the wonders of drugs and internet porn at my hands. I decided to jerk off, and during that magical act I decided to try to suck my own dick. During the heated attempts to thrust my penis into my face, I got a bit too excited and tried to clamp my mouth down. I was off by an inch or two, and nibbled pretty sharply on my head. I immediately regretted it & stopped, and now I'm trying to sober up while cradling my dick in pain. (Sorry about my typing, I'm still pretty baked)
**TL;DR: Don't do drugs, kids.**
potrg801: From what I have seen about people who have this talent is that it feels a lot less like you are getting your dick sucked and more like you are sucking a dick.
Migratory_Locust: Maybe if you found a way to numb the inside of your mouth..... like some local anaesthetic that does not take away muscle control....
JA24: That would numb the penis too when it got inside the mouth
Migratory_Locust: Not necessarily. I guess it depends on how you numb your mouth. If you inject a numbing agent you should be fine. If you use a balm, I could see that being a problem.
JA24: Yeah...injection simply to be able to suck your own dick, sounds like more trouble than it's worth
Migratory_Locust: This was no serious suggestion, more a play of thoughts....
JA24: I know, I was just playing along ;p
Migratory_Locust: ;) Ah well, sometimes it is hard to distinguish between those two on the internet.
But: Even though I strongly advice against trying something along the lines I theorized about, I would really appreciate a report of someone who dares to do it anyway.
JA24: Let's wait, eventually someone will be horny enough to try :P
Migratory_Locust: Rule 34 (-ish).... But I am afraid that the pioneer of autoerotique felatio won't share his results...
JA24: Well, certainly not verbally, at least for a little while after anyway..
Migratory_Locust: Hehe. You made me chuckle. Have an upvote. But he will be able to type, won't he? That is all that counts.
JA24: A video would be more hilarious tbf :P
| 14 | 24.071429 | |
1400818978 | 1400892762 | t3_269u4m | t5_2to41 | 121 | [deleted]: TIFU by dating my cousin.
So about 2 months ago, I met this girl. She is a few years younger than me (I'm 22, she is 18) and works at a grocery store with my little brother who is 17. He had tried hitting on her before but she wasn't interested, but when she saw me come in to buy something she apparently was interested and added me on Facebook later that night. She messaged me and we talked for a few days and really got along pretty well.
Eventually, I drunkenly invited her to Steak N Shake with my friends one late night to actually meet face to face, and she was pretty cool in person too so i thought this might work out. We went on a few dates and were unofficially dating after about 2 weeks.
Now come Easter, I went to go have some beers with my grandpa and keep him company because he has some medical issues making him too weak to get around and leave the house to see the rest of the family. We were just talking about cars and stuff (I work at a car dealership and am a car enthusiast) and he brought up his deceased cousin, who was a car salesman, just talking about him in conversation. Thing is, his cousin shares the same exact last name as the girl I've been seeing, and it's a very uncommon last name. I sort of panicked, but thought maybe it was a fluke. That is, until he said he came from the same small town that she was originally from.
After some questioning, I found out yeah, that was her grandpa and we are 3rd cousins. We ended that relationship pretty much instantly. She started talking about it on Facebook and her parents kept making fun of her pretty openly on her statuses (she has a lot of mutual friends with me who could see it) so I decided I would just post a status telling the actual story before any rumors got started.
Now on my Facebook I'm pretty well-known for having very bad luck, especially with women. So of course, a friend makes a meme of me, but with slightly misleading text making it sound like I chose to date my cousin. Which gets shared a bit around Facebook. It's been about a month and I'm pretty sure it'll take a long time before people forget. I don't really know what I expected to happen by posting about it, but at least most people know the real story.
So yeah, TL;DR: dated my cousin, posted about it on Facebook, made into a small meme.
AdrianBlake: 3rd cousin? Bro It's likley I'M your third cousin.
Edit: I'm a population geneticist, if you tell me what relation she is to you I can tell you how overblown this thing is.
So she's what, your grandpas were cousins. OK, so you share 1/2 DNA with your dad, 1/4 with your grandpa, 1/8 with grandpas dad, 1/16 with your grandpas dads dad, 1/32 with your grandpas dads dads son (your grandpas uncle), 1/64 with your grandpas dads dads sons son (your grandpas cousin, her grandpa) 1/128 with her dad, 1/256 with her
So that's 0.39% of shared variable DNA. That sir, is what we call in the trade, fuck all. your last common ancestor was your grandpas grandpa! What century was that?
Edit 2: Was america even a country then?
EDIT 3!!!: I did the maths wrong because I forgot that siblings have a shared father AND a mother.
>She's what, your grandpas were cousins. OK, so you share 1/2 DNA with your dad, 1/4 with your grandpa, 1/8 with grandpas dad, 1/16 with your grandpas dads BROTHER (your grandpas uncle) (because he has half with both parents, so siblings share half DNA), 1/32 with your grandpas dads dads sons son (your grandpas cousin, her grandpa) 1/64 with her dad, 1/128 with her So that's 0.78% of shared variable DNA.
czarchastic: Yeah, OP's fuck up was making everything into a bigger deal than it was.
AdrianBlake: "TIFU by making a big deal about normal human genetics and making myself a meme as an incester instead of just rolling with it and maybe not going on that "Who do you think you are" show."
[deleted]: Hey I'm not the one who made the meme lol. I just didn't want people to think we were closer relatives via rumors.
AdrianBlake: lol I know. I just feel bad for you
[deleted]: I think a lot of people did haha. It's alright though. It's just one thing in a long string of unfortunate events that have happened to me and I don't really let them bother me anymore. All I can do is laugh anymore.
AdrianBlake: How serious were things when you found out? In the UK a bit ago everyone suddenly felt a bit uneasy and avoided talking about family around their partners when it was revealed a married couple (who were kept anonymous) had discovered they were both adopted..... and both were brother and sister.
Now THAT you could freak out about.
[deleted]: Oh wow that would really freak me out. I'm glad I'm not THAT unlucky. But yeah, it definitely could have been worse.
AdrianBlake: It was so fucked up. Like nobody knows what they did but I think the report said it had been decided that laws etc would not apply against them due to the nature of the situation. Coz like they were already married and stuff.... grim stuff.
Just don't get paranoid and DNA testing your dates.... girls hate that
[deleted]: Haha, funny thing is that I jokingly said on Facebook about the situation that I'm asking for an ancestry report from every girl I meet from now on. But yeah, wow I bet those two people felt horrible when they found out. I'm glad they didn't face any legal issues though, that would have been really unfair.
AdrianBlake: Yeah I mean realistically the law is only to prevent inbreeding which isn't usually an issue until its repeated (see royal families + madness) and to prevent abuse etc which obviously wasnt an issue.
Dunno what they did. I can imagine it having a strain.
[deleted]: Oh yeah, makes sense. No good can come from getting with a sibling lol. But yeah, that had to be a tough thing to deal with. I hope they broke up lol
| 13 | 9.307692 | |
1400812972 | 1400939068 | t3_269m7w | t5_2to41 | 19 | DrJoeHN: TIFU at physical examination with female doctor
Have you ever been too a physical examination? Essentially I went today and when I undressed to get into the gown I got an erection from the feeling of being practically naked with a female doctor.
It wasn't obvious until she palpitated my sexual organs. I'm honestly rather embarrassed...
NeuronSX: happens. they deal with it all the time. males will be males.
ugonlerntoday: Don't let the girls at 2x hear you saying that
[deleted]: yea you misogynistic pg I can't believe you get hard when a female touches your copulatory organ you baboon male
ugonlerntoday: Many lols sir
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1400819412 | 1401044249 | t3_269um8 | t5_2to41 | 24 | Drumlin: TIFU by calling my son "boy" in front of some black people.
I've called my son 'boy' since the day he was born. I use the term out of pride, because he is, in fact, my boy, and he makes me proud every single day.
While at a track meet today, he threw his personal bests in both shot put and discus, and I was very happy for him. So, like I always do, I said "Nice Job, Boy!"
A group of black athletes was nearby, and they all turned their heads to look at me...and their looks were not friendly. Later, I saw them talking to their coach and pointing my way.
Nothing came of it, but I do feel bad about it.
HWillsy: UK redditor here. What's wrong with calling someone boy? I call my mates boy all the time.
thatlazydude: That whole slavery thing. 'Twas used to diminish the value of slaves by not associating them with proper names and such.
HWillsy: I see! Those damn slaves!
| 4 | 6 | |
1400822361 | 1400867595 | t3_269y11 | t5_2to41 | 483 | pupton_sinclair: TIFU by showering too hard
So TIFU by following my usual routine and getting spited by the gods of cleanliness.
I was in the shower, in the midst of cleaning my incredibly average bod. I work for a startup putting in 12-14 hour days, so I get pretty goddamn stanky. So I'm riding the train to sudstown, shampooing the fuck out of my head mop. Rinse that shit out and flick my hair like a fucking supermodel even though I have a shaved head.
Now it's time to clean the ol' bod. I pick up the Old Space (can't afford the real shit), pop open the cap, and squirt a big fucking dollop of gel into my hand.
Here's where I fucking goofed.
Excited to get all goddamn clean, I flick closed the cap on the Old Space. Like, flick it so fucking hard that it shoots a gel ICBM straight into my contact-covered eyeball. Instantly feels like I'm birthing a baby from my eye socket. The fire of 1000 soapy suns rapes my eye while I do my best to pry it open with my equally soapy fingers.
I manage to crack my eye open just enough to stick my hand sausage in, pluck out the contact and flush my eyeball with steaming hot water. Now my eye is so swollen that I can't close it.
TL;DR Cleanest eyeball NA
esearcher: >So I'm riding the train to sudstown
It's like reading a TIFU written by Guy Fieri
Z3ph3rn0: I had to go back and re-read it in guys voice, along with the background music.
wirsteve: PSA:
Any reader who hasn't done this. Re-read. It split my sides.
TomCollinsEsq: Everybody in the pool!
| 5 | 96.6 | |
1400829428 | 1400857703 | t3_26a2jc | t5_2to41 | 10 | PM_ME_YOUR_CHINS: Wow a whole year? You deserve an award! I don't have a regular sex life, and for the last three years I was in a long distance relationship. As a guy in LOVE I found ways to deal with sexual urges and managed to subdue them.
You justify your cheating because you, at one time, weren't a bad person, and now that you are a bad person you've found other bad people who hang out with you, so being a bad person seems like the norm. You're not the person you were when you went a year without cheating. Don't lie to yourself.
Think about IF you marry this poor girl. When she goes for her first time with you, you'll have to act like it's your first time in 4 years. Acting kind of spoils the moment, right? She's there sharing her first time with you and only you, and you're trying to pretend to be innocent, with rando DTF girls in the back of your mind. That's really not fair to her.
Oakshot: I don't think people are bad just because they want to have sex or come into contact with others who do too, the issue here is actively manipulating and lying to a person who you say you love and talk about in the context of spending the rest of your life with. That's just universally shitty and wreaks of redpill horseshit.
PM_ME_YOUR_CHINS: Yeah I agree, I was only saying he's a bad person because he's having sex without telling his partner. Also because he thinks it's not only justified, he seems to think it should be expected.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1400828176 | 1400859107 | t3_26a3qz | t5_2to41 | 585 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling this joke...
I texted my friend this joke.
"What's the difference between three dicks and a joke?"
"Your mum can't take a joke."
... His fucking dad was the one that read the message...
MonkeyTails33: your friend fucked up. i like your joke. i don't believe his dad read it. i do not believe that. fuck his dad anyway
Jiveturtle: I don't think you understand this joke
His **mom's** the one that's getting fucked by three dicks, not his dad
TheKrs1: Well they never specifically ruled it out.
Jiveturtle: I bet his dad could only take two dicks, not three
thatlazydude: Probably why he's so upset
| 6 | 97.5 | |
1400834431 | 1400871070 | t3_26a8s5 | t5_2to41 | 98 | INVICTU5: TIFU by ruining my girlfriend's first time. [NSFW]
I should probably preface this by saying, she was a virgin, and I am not. I love her very much, but she wasn't ready, and I never blamed her for it. Well, here's what happened: After five months of just fooling around and painful sexual frustration on my part, my girlfriend finally pulled me close and whispered "fuck me." We got ready, and... everything fell apart. My male appendage wasn't ready for it, so I couldn't get it or keep it up. We only had one condom, so when she told me to stop right in the middle of our activities to go to the bathroom, what we ended up with was a wet noodle and a dry condom. On top of that, I wasn't being NEARLY as gentle as I thought I was, and ended up hurting her. Not real bad, but enough to just make the whole experience highly unpleasant. We finally just quit before either of us finished. She was left hurting and feeling bad and I was left with just that last part.
helion83: After a few drunken conversations with some work mates and their first time, the general consensus was that its easy for a bloke.
Insert > thrust > withdraw
For a girl... Apparently copious amounts of foreplay followed by even more oral sex (on her) and then she'll be ready.
Sounds like working a bloody rubix cube to me but something to consider.
Ev_antics: i dunno, i can figure rubix cubes
HowDumbAreYou: Yeah me too, but covered in blood?
Ev_antics: thats the real challenge, bloody cube speed solving
| 5 | 19.6 | |
1400843564 | 1400863930 | t3_26afr7 | t5_2to41 | 16 | fookin_funny: TIFU by snapchatting with a girl I met online and was instantly obsessed with
esearcher: It sucks to not have closure, but you can't force someone to tell you things they don't want to say. Unfortunately, I think you are just going to have to make peace with it being over.
ETA: misplaced compassion before. Assumed it was an open marriage. I hate cheaters. You get what you deserve.
fookin_funny: Best reply I have seen. Thanks.
Ackbar91: Translation: 'This is the only reply which hasn't been calling me out on being a complete fuckwit who is seemingly proud of cheating on his wife and yet uses snapchat like a pre-teen'
esearcher: I really didn't think of it that way. I assumed that he and his wife had an open marriage, since it seems like he was pretty open and basically brazen about the way he was caring on with this woman. I know I tend to be naive at times, but I just couldn't imagine him flying the girl out for a fling if he didn't have an open marriage. I have a friend with an open marriage and she behaves this way with guys, with snapchat and all. I'm not sure what her husband does, I assume he also does this sort of thing. It's not a lifestyle for me (I am far, far to insecure and jealous - not in the crazy way, just in the 'how can you have a fling and still have feelings for me?' sort of way - to be ok with an open marriage), but when I read things like this, I always factor in the various lifestyles different people have, rather than assuming they're cheating. Again, naivete, I could have totally misread it and maybe he is a total cheater.
Edited to add: I read his other responses and yep, he's an unabashed, unashamed cheater. Gross. I don't know why I give people the benefit of the doubt. This really dings the old faith in humanity.
RottingZombies: I really respect you for your posts in this thread. You have articulated your points epicly, and far better than I did before I got too sore to sit up to make a reply to op more. I don't see you as niaeve in this at all and just want to say keep being badass. I really hope you've made an impact on op's life here. So awesome of you to take so much into consideration. Op seems like a cunt, but at least he's one that has been reasoned with well and sounds like he has some thinking to do.
RottingZombies: Just maybe include the disclaimer in your original comment first. Ops a douche that didn't deserve your benefit of the doubt but I think it helped him see some things here.DDon't b too discouraged.
esearcher: I did edit my original post to include my initial misunderstanding of the situation. Do you think it wasn't enough?
RottingZombies: Oh, no the edit explained it perfectly, its just that I was supurised with you original comment that someone was quick to condem it I guess. I think with things like cheating/unfaithfulness/possible open marriages etc its best to explain your view a bit too, just because its an area with lots of grey areas that can end up upsetting people if they made assumptions about your original post thinking you were OK with cheating before your edit.
esearcher: I agree, and I was sort of mortified when I returned to the thread and saw that, and then saw the OP's replies. It's kind of funny how all people read things differently. When I wrote my original reply, it didn't even occur to me that his wife might not know about his antics and that he was officially cheating, rather than having some sort of understanding with his wife. I guess it was the intensity of the relationship with the other girl, the good nights and good mornings, and the idea of flying her out. I can't even fathom that sort of behavior while someone's spouse is sitting there watching tv next to them, or whatever is going on. But, yeah, not ok with cheating behind a partner's back. And the OP being so "yeah? So? I've done it before, I'll do it again" about it all just made me queasy.
RottingZombies: It was the sudden obsession and knowing daily patterns of contact times etc that set off my creep detectors right off straight away. Guys with that level of obsession and double this king everything and being quite in guess presice about what will work are never god news. Espesally when they can handle a regection like this.
esearcher: That's a really good point. It is very e-stalkerish. She's lucky she's not local!
| 12 | 1.333333 | |
1400845252 | 1400968443 | t3_26ah96 | t5_2to41 | 68 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my parents know all the sexual things my girlfriend and I have done
This really happened around Easter time.
Okay so I'm 16 years old and in highschool. I have been dating a girl for 2 years and am in a committed relationship. Well being only 16, we have do what what teenagers do... experiment our sexuality and just have fun.
Hormones raging, we've done some things, I will admit. But we haven't gone all the way yet as a precaution to not cause sexual stress, stress, or even the slightest possibility of a child. Both our parents are AGAINST sex before marriage (were not, just not in our Sophmore year.)
Well as of recently, in our free periods of school, we'd write notes to each other. Just talking about our day, our plans, what were stressing about and upcoming tests, etc. and exchanging them. Well one day I decided to craft a letter to my girlfriend about all the things that I've done with her that I've enjoyed... including sexual behaviors. She even returned a similar note, but in her perspective. Now, these notes usually go straight into my backpack, home, than into a folder I keep. But this day I was particularly busy and I placed the note *fuck up here* INTO my EASTER basket.
My dad is known for rummaging through our baskets for our chocolate and candy us kids don't eat. So I one day I completely forgot about this note in my basket. He comes upstairs, finds the note, reads it, and places a heavy object on top of it (which is how I knew this occured, I had 1 other note in the basket that was not weighed down)
FUCK UP done, here's what happens after: Than he proceeds to bring me to a restaurant a bout 5 days after this happens day and tell me how much I lost my parents trust and that they are disappointed in me. They tell me to tell them the truth and that they won't tell my girlfriends parents because they like her a lot and if they told them, they'd for sure make us break up. So now It's been a couple of months since this happened, my girlfriend has no clue. She doesn't know that my parents know.
black_cracka: It could be worse man. My parents found out me and my girlfriend did the deed (I'm 16 as well) and my mom tried to kick me out of the house after I refused to break up with my girlfriend.
AdrianBlake: Is this an American thing? Your mum knows how you were made right?
czarchastic: "Oh, sex is how you become pregnant? Well go right ahead then." - Typical European Mom
AdrianBlake: "Use a condom. Here's how to avoid dangerous situations. Come to us if you ever have issues." - European mums
Edit: "Also, im not making you homeless"
0xKaishakunin: My parents bought a large pack of condoms for us, when I had my first GF with 15.
We also had sex ed in 2nd grade and multiple times during school. So everyone knew how it works :-)
AdrianBlake: Country?
0xKaishakunin: Germany.
AdrianBlake: Boom! See, we're pretty evolved on this side of the Atlantic. God knows why the US treats sex like it's some giant big deal that has to be locked up.
0xKaishakunin: Probably has to do with the different role of religion.
There are also differences in the German regions, eg. between catholic, Lutheran and pietistic parts.
AdrianBlake: I took my girlfriend to Dusseldorf for our anniversary and accidentally took her down a street with a tonne of sex shops and ended up in front of a "sex hotel"
0xKaishakunin: You'll find a lot of sex shops etc. around the central train station in almos every larger town. It's pretty normal.
After all, the sex shop was invented by a [former female German Luftwaffe pilot in 1947](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beate_Uhse-Rotermund)
AdrianBlake: Best wiki page I've seen in ages lol
0xKaishakunin: Now whore it out for karma in /r/til ;-)
TIL: The 1st sex shop was built by a female nazi jet pilot
AdrianBlake: [Who would do such a thing?]( http://reddit.com/r/todayilearned/comments/26ejem/tiļ_that_the_first_sex_shop_was_started_by_a/)
| 15 | 4.533333 | |
1400847500 | 1400860183 | t3_26ajhj | t5_2to41 | 369 | slit27: TIFU by drinking too much wine
I've been dating this very attractive girl for about two weeks now and things have been very good. We have taken everything slow and we really enjoy each other's company. She had slept over a few times but we just cuddled because I have a roommate. Well this week my roommate was gone on a 5 day camping trip so I had the room to myself. She came over and we watched a hockey game, drank wine and conversed. Before she came over we had both agreed that tonight would be the night to fuck. Wine was a bad idea. We killed a bottle between the both of us and got to bed as usual. We soon began kissing and initiated foreplay. When things started to get hot she asked me, "What do you like in bed?". At this point I knew she was ready, and I told her she could start giving me head. Before she went down I warned her of a possible short coming (no pun intended) of my longevity as I had not had sex in a while. I was the exact opposite of premature. My dick was soft as a noodle. Within the first 15 seconds she asked if I was ready. I was a bit confused as to why she asked me that. After another minute of oral with no signs of life I admitted defeat to my greatest enemy Sir Whiskey Dick. With an initial intent to stay the night, it only added to my shame when she said she was going back to her place. I gave her my apologies as she left my house and she said not to think anything of it, but her body language said otherwise. I underestimated the dick softening effects of wine, and I hope this story can prevent this from happening to you guys.
For_fucks_sak3: Well sir, what you SHOULD have done instead of apologizing is went down on her. Make her feel sexy. Lick her in all the right places. If your dick isn't getting hard then smooth play it off by pleasing her instead of her trying to make u hard and repeatedly asking you if your ready. Eat her out, make her wet, play with her breast. Make her horny and your goal is to make her cum. I guarantee you when her pussy is wetter then Niagara Falls and she is making some sexy noises, that your limp dick is going to swell up.
kerfufflewaffle: Truth.
I once had a girl that didn't like it... She was a true giver.
Weird one though...
Milkgivesmeshits: Those are called keepers
kerfufflewaffle: Then TIFU by getting rid of her
| 5 | 73.8 | |
1400836047 | 1401188246 | t3_26a9zf | t5_2to41 | 224 | fuckingflatspots: TIFU by scorching my anus
I am currently typing this at my desk whilst sat on a frozen bag of chips (not the most comfortable frozen food) and every word typed is filled with a deep regret.
So, I was half way home from my girlfriends house when I felt the urge to lay down the spicy brown. I thought it would be a good idea to cover my food in chilli sauce the night before - BIG mistake. Now bearing in mind me and my girlfriend live about two miles away from each other other I still had a fair way to go which gave me only one option: suck it up (quite literally) and soldier on.
I got to my door with a bead of sweat running down my face, fumbling for my keys I managed by some miracle to get the right one in the lock. I burst through the door and ran straight to my bathroom submitting my brown sacrifice to the porcelain god giving me insta-relief.
after doing the deed i triumphantly stood up up to wipe when i remembered: I HAVE NO TOILET ROLL! I was supposed to buy some the day before but forgot and now I was paying the price. after looking for a suitable substitute I quickly gave up and sat down on the toilet realising that I was gonna have to go old school and use my hand and that's when I looked up and saw my saviour in all its glory - THE SHOWER!
I quickly jumped up and turned the shower on to full force and waited impatiently while it warmed up..1 minute.. 2 minutes..3..4..5.. I couldn't wait any longer. I could feel the poop drying so I jumped into the cold shower
, grabbed the head and began the butt wash of a lifetime. all was going smoothly for the first 15 seconds and then I felt the water getting warmer.. and warmer.. and then, from out of no where the water from most fiery depths of hell launched itself directly at my butt hole making me scream, drop the shower head, and jump out of the shower doing the dance of some Amazonian tribe in my bathroom naked.
And that is why I will be waddling to work later on like a violated duck.
TL;DR - Made poop, no toilet roll, used shower, got a rim job from the Devil himself.
Ttrice: Tissues, paper towels, A FUCKING SOCK! Anything is better than a) your hand, or b) a scorched pooper.
trombing: The vast majority of the world wipes their ass with their hand (their left hand).
Those that do consider smearing poop around your butt a pretty gross thing to do.
That's why if you eat food in the developing world using your left hand - the locals freak out.
We would have no trees in a week if everyone used TP [citation needed].
TL;DR always eat with your right hand.
StarCass: Woah. Woah. When I was taught about the left hand thing I always assumed they were using toilet paper. You're telling me people go bare hand to ass?! What if they need a second wipe? How do they tell when they are done wiping? I have so many questions.
trombing: Describing this in detail is horrible and brings back some bad memories for me.
I am sure google will provide the answer but maybe consider going incognito for your browser history's sake.
However, when done properly I believe it is FAR more effective than TP.
| 5 | 44.8 | |
1400815796 | 1400854421 | t3_269q3q | t5_2to41 | 11 | pongo-pongo: TIFU by being caught in possession of a beard by the French border patrol.
I made the mistake of growing a relatively tame beard before trying to board a flight from France to Canada, supposedly the most inclusive and lovely of all the ex Colonial nations.
The beard in question was a natty little goatee and tache combo, in stark contrast to the smoothskin infant in my passport photo.
Coupled with the great national prejudice for discriminating against anyone even slightly North African looking, this led to a disproportionatly tense 30 minute grilling and search of all my possessions, by some gallic guards in the service of The Maple state, who were adamant I was not British, but instead a dastardly sneaky Maghrebin, intent on wreaking havoc at 30,000ft. The box of rubber gloves was thankfully unnecessary.
Oh France, Go fuck yourself.
xmod14: Were there airport guards there? like the ones with assault rifles? cause those guards scare the shit out of you when you take a nap and wake up and they are looking at you
dotamen: I bet they get a giggle or two out of doing that though.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1400845025 | 1401343015 | t3_26ah1v | t5_2to41 | 67 | [deleted]: TIFU by calling a friend out on her bs and thus ending the friendship
We've been close since we met each other last spring. We had this kind of immediate connection that rarely enough happens. Met once or twice every week at a café, chatted, laughed, girl stuff, whatever. Great times, no obligations.
For the past weeks, she started flaking whenever we decided to do something together. I actually understood, she has a new boyfriend and he's more interesting than me. Mostly she told me a day in advance that she "couldn't make it", so a minimum of courtesy was observed.
Today she finally pushed me over the edge. We had agreed to meet for lunch. I had proposed the time and date, she had agreed on the restaurant. Guess who didn't show up? I texted her and asked what happened. She said I hadn't confirmed so she thought the appointment was void. That's when I snapped. I texted back and told her, in not very polite words, to get her sh*tuff together and stop wasting my time. If she didn't want to meet me again, she should tell me and stop effing about. At first she didn't answer, which was good, because I needed to cool off. A few minutes ago she wrote me an e-mail, telling me she'd return her birthday and Christmas gifts and that I might consider myself "freed from the burden of knowing her".
I am sorry to have this friendship ending that way, but I admit that I am glad to finally have drawn the line.
(sorry if I used wrong phrases, my active English is a bit rusty)
[deleted]: It really sounds like you ARE free of the burden. That's a good thing. People like that are extremely toxic to have in your life. You made a decision not to waste your time on her behavior. A flaky friend is not a friend. Now you are free to fill that void with a friend who will be there and follow through. There are much better people out there who will give as much into a friendship as you and are worth your time and effort. Best wishes, OP. Sounds like today, it was your friend that fucked up.
[deleted]: I disagree.
"People like that". What does that even mean? From what we know that means, people with a significant other who can't make you top priority all the time.
From what OP posted all we know is she thought they had an arrangement and the other person didn't. No one here knows enough about this to know who is at fault as this has all been one sided so far. Sometimes mistakes happen, but no one here except the OP actually knows who is at fault in this case. Perhaps the OP really didn't follow their normal procedure and the other person really didn't think they had an appointment. That would be OP's fault.
Maybe you should work on collecting more facts before making a decision that you clearly lack the info to make.
[deleted]: I took the information I had and decided that, after several weeks of flaking, the "friend" developed a pattern that was not desirable. When confronted with a perfectly reasonable concern, the "friend" flipped and walked away. If the "friend" was any sort of a friend, they would have listened and attempted a change in behavior. Instead, the "friend" was willing to throw away a friendship over a simple disagreement. That, my friend, is not a desirable individual to have in one's life. Basic psychology, basic human behavior. Needs weren't being met, so therefore, the relationship failed a relatively short time after it started. "People like that" who are willing to throw away others over a disagreement are out of line. OP indicated concern and wanted to save the friendship. Rash or not, the "friend" could have, and should have done things differently.
[deleted]: Calling a day ahead of time to cancel is not flaking. Flaking is not showing up or canceling at the last second. Welcome to adult life. These things happen, people need to be matures and calm about that. Not everything can go as planned.
And it's not a simple disagreement. it's a show of character. The OP come off as a needy "me-first" jerk from what they said. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that either. If someone can't handle that they aren't they top priority in your life, remove them from your life. Talk about a person that is not desirable to have in your life.
We will just have to disagree here. To me the OP is the one who I would not be be friends with. Clingy and self important people are not a positive force in your life.
[deleted]: Fair enough:) The way you handled this particular disagreement shows the good character you have and I appreciate the maturity. Take care.
Edit: spelling snafu
| 6 | 11.166667 | |
1400848871 | 1400850922 | t3_26akv2 | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to mess with my friend
Backstory: One of my friends plays a game called Super house of dead ninjas. He really loves the game, and is pretty good at it.
I wanted to show him N, Way of the ninja, pretty amazing game, albeit a bit old. I was bored at the time, and wanted to mess with him, so I googled for "fucked up online games". I found a website which looked pretty unassuming, there were no gross pictures, just some really messed up text describing pretty weird furry shit. The game related was a download, so I was expecting him to download the game, boot it up, and essentially be like "awww sick, wtf dude!? Who writes this shit", where i would then give him n, after sharing a hearty chuckle. Unfortunately, I was unaware that the link came with a really messed up thumbnail, when you link it in facebook chat. Me and my friends have a group chat, so when i posted this link, i pressed enter, only to be greeted with the image of a dinosaur with a massive erection. I immediately realised "this isn't funny", but the enter key had been pressed and now my group of friends think I'm fucked up
sameoldnigga: care to share the picture? im intrigued
[deleted]: Whats funny is that it was nowhere on the website, I only found it in the facebook thumbnail, and in my attempt to rememdy the situation, I deleted the message, unfortunately, facebook doesn't delete messages for all parties, I can no longer see it, but it's in everyone else's inbox
sameoldnigga: you must find it
OP must deliver
[deleted]: I went to the site, and searched, I dont even want to post that link on FB to get a screenshot, I fucked myself once today, knowing my luck il press enter or fuck up in some way. Lady luck is not on my side today, all you need to know is it was a purple dinosaur man which a huge dick winking at the screen, as if he knew he was smugly destroying my reputation within my social circle
Edit: in case it isnt clear, the pic is nowhere on the blog.
sameoldnigga: ahhhh, thats unfortunate. now that you described it I just want to see it more!
whatever i can deal, upvote for trying
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1400846314 | 1400859610 | t3_26ai82 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by picking my nose and worse
Like many other TIFUs this did *not* happen today. It actually took place when I was eight years old.
#
It was a typical day. I came home from school and started playing ToonTown (my favorite game at the time). As I was defeating the cogs I noticed my webcam light appear. I playfully gave it a wave and said hi to my webcam, although I really didn't believe anyone was watching me. After exchanging greetings with my webcam I returned to the world of toontown. Little did I know my father was watching me, so I decided to insert my finger into my nose and insert the gold into my mouth. Within a minute I heard my dad yelling "THATDANDYMAN, COME HERE". I listened to his summonings and I ended up in his office. He then proceeded to show my screenshots he took of my gold digging. Of course I immediately replied "No daddy, I was just licking my fingers from the food I was given earlier." That was a horrific lie and he *did* know.
#
When I get home today I'll ask if he has the photos and share.
i_go_to_uri: Why. The. FUCK. Do you have a webcam set up at your computer that your dad can watch you through without you having any idea???
ThatDandyMan: This was the first time he watched.
| 3 | 1 | |
1400857360 | 1400878969 | t3_26aw9t | t5_2to41 | 30 | crisothetank: TIFU by picking a spot just before entering an exam
I don't get many spots, so this boiler I got right next to my nose had been bugging me all morning. I was outside my exam room ready to sit my AS philosophy unit 2 paper when I pulled it off and sighed a sigh of relief. That relief didn't last long. I looked at my fingers and saw blood. I was bleeding from where I'd pulled my spot off. Not a little bit, I mean like it was spilling out down my face. People were starting to look at me as I cupped my hands over the area and attempted to stop the flow, but every time I wiped blood away more spilled out. The invigilator said to come into the room, but I quickly decided to run and get some toilet paper. I burst into the toilet with bloody hands and a bloody face, well aware that I'm probably missing the start of my exam, and grab a wad of tissue paper and run back out. Meanwhile my devil spot is still fucking bleeding!
I arrive at the room with blood all over me and explain what happened, the invigilator looked like he didn't believe me but he thankfully put me in a separate room as he could see I was quite distressed. Couldn't focus on my exam properly and when I handed in the paper there were drops of blood all over it.
**TL;DR dont pick a spot before an exam.**
**edit** there seems to be some confusion over my use of the word 'spot'. By this I mean a pimple or a zit, **definitely not a scab, mole or anything to do with cancer, just a spot that your average teenage boy would get.**
Matttized: I'm confused... is a spot a scab?
crisothetank: I have no idea, it was just big and annoying, I'd been picking and pulling at it for hours and when I finally ripped it off loads of blood came out.
TheLoneScot: You...have no idea? Is English not your first language?
crisothetank: English is my first language. Would you be so kind to tell me what's wrong with the statement 'I have no idea'? I'd very much like to know.
[deleted]: Uhhh, why would you use the word "spot" if you don't know wtf a "spot" is? Do you mean it was a pimple... or a scab? What was it, actually?
the_blibinator: To clarify, yes, we call pimples "spots" over here.
Baconaise: Jesus. Six replies for this information.
| 8 | 3.75 | |
1400860194 | 1400882784 | t3_26b0qe | t5_2to41 | 1,096 | noyoureabanana: TIFU by peeing in the shower
This actually happened a little over a year ago but it still haunts me. Also, new to this sub, so apologies in advance if this isn't the most eloquently explained fuck up :)
I've always been a shower-pisser. Don't lie, you know you do it too. Normally it's not gross because pee is sterile and it goes right down the drain, washed away by shower water and soap. This one ill-fated morning, however...
I hardly slept the night before and hit snooze as many times as I could get away with. I normally shower in the evening but my hair was way too gross to not wash it this particular morning, making me even more strapped for time. I jump in the shower, turn on the water, and can't help but pee when the warm water hits me.
Except this time, it didn't go right down the drain. It puddled up around the drain, the puddle growing as more water accumulated. Of course this was a gross early-morning over-caffeinated under-hydrated pee. The fucking drain was clogged.
I have a couple roommates and we keep a plunger in the bathroom and normally have some liquid plumber on hand, but neither were to be found this morning. I got out of the shower feeling grosser than when I got in. My hair was a mess, and I was in far too much of a hurry to run to the store before work.
The puddle mellowed in the shower until the afternoon when I got home and plunged it, but not before my other roommates saw (and smelled) the yellow grossness. I felt terrible as this was a one-bathroom house and hopefully they didn't need to shower before I got off work.
All because I'm lazy and pissed in the shower.
Yarthkins: Am I the only person in the world who pees before showering?
cactuscool: No, I do it too. I can't stand the thought of peeing in the shower. Its already hard enough to clean without adding a new element.
Yarthkins: Exactly, I can't imagine that it's easy to clean urine out of a shower. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean there isn't a thin film coating everything it touched. I'd imagine that it starts to smell musky after a while.
[deleted]: If you are going around imagining things like that, I wonder how you can visit public restrooms, sleep in hotel beds or even touch a door knob outside your home :P
Yarthkins: I really hope that people don't pee on doorknobs and I definitely wouldn't sleep on a hotel mattress that smelled like piss.
moogle516: The hotel mattress you're sleeping on has more semen and female ejaculation on it then you think.
rebel-zebra: I still think female ejac is pee or part pee at least so yes there is pee everywhere in hotels
kenman884: Some is. I think the most recent consensus is that it comes from the bladder, but is not piss.
[deleted]: It's not. Female ejaculate is produced in the same place men's ejaculate is; the prostate. Yes, women have a prostate, only we didn't know that until recently. It has been known for ages as the Skene's gland or urethral sponge. The chemical composition of it is very similar to male ejaculate, sans spermies, which is more or less what one would expect.
The Skene's gland surrounds the urethra and has ducts that open out either side of the urethral opening in women. In men, the urethra is considerably longer, so they open into the urethra instead. In either case it's not pee. Some women pee during sex, but that's a discussion for another day.
Edit: Facts.
| 10 | 109.6 | |
1400860633 | 1400914852 | t3_26b1dz | t5_2to41 | 247 | [deleted]: TIFU by not realizing my torrents were flagged by my company's ISP
Well, fuck. ISP told my company that there was a file dl'd (casual pron) by me. I've been freaking out. It is likely that they have all the information necessary to pin me. I've swapped IP addresses statically, downloaded file shredders. Taken care to uninstall programs through ccleaner. Shredded .torrent files. I don't know how to avoid this if at all. We are off of a router and I will likely get pinned, if one of the others recognizes the PREVIOUS last 3 digits of my IP-address. I'll get fired, but I'll move on i suppose. Hopefully the IT guy doesn't dive into the ISP's information. That is only wishful thinking. I'm fucked. So is my career. Fuck. Any advice? Thoughts? Harassing comments about how fucked/retarded I am? All are welcome.
OlofWilliam: Goddamnit OP
It's the 21st century, we don't download porn anymore - We stream it.
Goddamnit
breakingmad1: If you like grainy home made stuff or 5 min previews, some people enjoy HD premimum content, its the same reason people download TV shows rather than stream it
OlofWilliam: No not really. I never watch my favorite series without HD, there is like eporner.com and stuff that has full HD porn goodies, check that out
breakingmad1: You just said the exact reason why you download is for the reason i said people download porn
Just checked out eporner seems decent, in return I give you vporn.com
CanadianBTC: TBLOP
breakingmad1: That's crap though it just a list of those tube sites that put shit on your pc , or ones everyone knows like pornhub
3141592652: How do people viruses from these sites though? I've never gotten one in all the time I've been browsing them. It just doesn't make sense.
hambooty: When you try to fuck ugly bitches
3141592652: Ad block is what I use. Although even if they're not using they'd still have to be mighty stupid to follow those ads.
| 10 | 24.7 | |
1400858430 | 1400906445 | t3_26axxv | t5_2to41 | 369 | TheDevilsMC: TIFU by saying money shot in front of my gf's parents on our first meeting NSFW (kinda)
So technically this happened about a week ago but I'm really apprehensive about posting anything on here since I know how you guys eat people alive but anyways...
My girlfriend was getting ready to graduate from college and like most normal college graduates had her family coming in from out of town to celebrate her success including her Mormon uncles and Grandfather. So here we are on a beautiful Friday afternoon underneath the canopy, in business casual attire for present or gift distribution time. Now the gifts were nothing out of the ordinary a kindle some gift cards etc. After all the gifts are out her mom says, "wait, I didn't get a picture with you and all the money", and with out even thinking I blurted out, "you mean the money shot?"
Daggers from entire family ,excluding clueless grandpa...
Needless to say she's now moving home a week before her lease is up with her mom picking her up personally.
PS
I'm black
TL;DR black guy says to white, mormon gf's family 'money shot'
Diarygirl: You didn't fuck up whatsoever. So they got offended when you used a term that they interpreted as sexual. Really, who's got their mind on sex here?
I wonder what they would have said if you had asked what the problem was. I think I would have said something like "What? It's a picture with the money, it's a money shot."
Hope it's not a racist thing with the family, but I don't think I've ever heard of a black Mormon.
blerdnik: I don't think he's Mormon, but yes, there are black Mormons.
Diarygirl: Huh. TIL.
hjonsey: Mormons did not allow black men to hold the priesthood until ~~late 60's I believe (could be wrong on date)~~ 1978 (thanks for clarifying /u/NickB333 ) but even then, there were black mormons. Source: I am an ex mormon.
NickB333: AND IN 1978 GOD CHANGED HIS MIND ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE!~
omg_who_gives_a_fuck: Because they were losing at college basketball
Detached09: If only gay people played basketball. Or at least openly. It'd be legal in Utah, instead of our gov't wasting taxpayers money to block it after the district court said to let it happen.
| 8 | 46.125 | |
1400859600 | 1400865094 | t3_26azrz | t5_2to41 | 49 | [deleted]: TIFU by scooting a night stand over.
Just moved in to a new apartment! Everything was going well until Tuesday night, when I decided to move a night stand next to the bed before I went to sleep. Now, on this night stand is a large, heavy, metal fan. Of course I left it on the stand, I was just going to scoot it over a bit. And down the fan goes, right on to my big toe. I rolled on the bed cussing for a few minutes, and my nail turned black, but I ended up going to bed thinking it was just bruised. I woke up several hours later in the worst pain in my life. My whole nail was now a dark greenish/black, and it felt like some one was trying to see how many nails they could hammer in to the top of my toe. Got a trip to the ER, but all they did was tell me it wasn't broken. Kept it iced up and elevated for a few days, but the black has spread beyond the toe nail and the whole toe is puffed up to twice its size. There are some other interesting colors going on too. Went to my regular doctors today, where they stuck a needle through the middle of my toenail and drained a little bit of blood, and if it continues to swell I might go back in to have the nail removed. My doctor was surprised the nail is still attached.
Moral of the story: stay away from large metal fans.
My toe before having some of the blood drained:
http://i.imgur.com/FDylYnI.jpg
Edit:
It actually looks more gruesome after today's doctor's visit. Slight NSFW:
http://i.imgur.com/BrjjOfl.jpg
lampreyofsantafey: For some reason, thought it read scooting a one NIGHT stand over.
Turakamu: I was imagining them falling off the bed and breaking stuff.
| 3 | 16.333333 | |
1400862161 | 1400867350 | t3_26b3qg | t5_2to41 | 47 | Mrpatty1213: TIFU by squirting expired fish oil all over my face.
So I found a bottle of fish oil supplements...
I was curious as to what they were because I had never seen them in the form they came in. They were in little oil filled pearls that are incredibly fun to try and fuck with. I'm a sucker for anything that is squishy like Laundry detergent packs.
So naturally, I tried to pop it. BAD. FUCKING. IDEA.
I finally get it to pop and a little jet of oil shoots out. On my face.
The smell hits me like a truck. This overwhelming fishy odor, like someone left a halibut out to dry in the sun and forgot about it. Immediately, I can feel the smell bringing on nausea. I run to the toilet, but to no avail. I throw up right outside the bathroom doorway.
I had just come back home from dinner so there was quite a lot to vomit. I tried to inch closer to the porcelain refuge of the toilet, but the force with which my body is spewing vomit makes it hard for me to make it.
I slump over on my bathroom floor covered in vomit and fish oil. By this point, the smell has triggered an extremely painful migraine.
My only course of action was to clean myself and then the house.
I hop in the shower and desperately try to wash the stink off my face, but it is no use. It's seeped in. I literally cannot rid the fish smell with any amount of soap and water. It's like I was sprayed by a skunk. A really fishy skunk.
So I re-dressed myself and cleaned the trail of vomit off the floor. The spray pattern of my spew spread across the floor like a freshly wet crime scene. Slippery. Noxious. Ugh. It still makes me sick to remember the smell.
TL;DR: I popped a fish oil pearl on my face. It made me vomit like that chick from The Exorcist.
AspiringAutomaton: Hey, sounds terrible, great fuck up. In terms of getting that oil/stench off of your fucked up face, I suggest olive oil. Just dip your fingers in it and massage it on your face, then wipe it off with a warm wet towel. Do it several times and it should replace the fish oil....at least minimize it. Btw, don't make the towel too hot and fuck up again.
Mrpatty1213: I wish I has known that. Would have saved a lot of my self-respect/ pride.
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1400866983 | 1400868862 | t3_26bbc4 | t5_2to41 | 19 | Thailandthrowawat67: Tifu by fucking a girl who was a lady boy
So... I'm drunk atm after this event. I'm in Thailand and I bought a hooker Cuz she was fucking hot. Like 9/10 hot. Anyways 60$ in Thailand is a lot here and she was worth it. Brought her back to the hotel. She fucked me. Great tits bouncing around. Like firm nice big tits. Not that saggy shit. Lay her down on her back and rip off the rest of her clothes (she had a skirt on) and there was the penis. Tiny penis mind you. Like tinier than mine.
I went softer than a marshmallow after being toasted over a fire. Didn't know what I just did.
It's kinda fucked cuz really the only reason I feel... What ever the fuck I feel is because society says fucking the same sex is not OK.
Sooo... Wtf reddit. Why the fuck am I telling you this?
Read my story and tell me Wtf I should do.
mythrowawayresponse: Friend,
It's interesting as to something I have dreamed to do - you are ashamed of. We are all under social controls and life would be much happier if we could do what we wanted and not what others expect us to want.
If you enjoyed it and everyone is happy, keep enjoying it. Don't live by the rules of others. You'll die soon enough full of regret of not doing what you wanted to do.
Thailandthrowawat67: Well with a 600$ one way ticket and 100$ cash you can fuck the hottest lady boys you want. Or girls. So go for it and get off reddit and get a second job picking up bottles for a ticket.
In the meantime. I've had tons of experiences. But I didn't want this one. I don't eve know what I want you to say. But. LA te da Idk.
mythrowawayresponse: For me it isn't money that is the issue as it is how I am established in society. This is something that I talked myself out of doing long ago... and it is a patch of regret sewn to my cape I wear. Only a couple of years ago I've stopped thinking of regret and moving forward... unfortunately this isn't something I can do now in the present. If in the future things change for whatever reason I'd certainly reconsider this in the blink of an eye.
Thailandthrowawat67: Sounds like you have more issues than me.
Take a holiday. Take it to Thailand.
And don't tell anyone what you do.
mythrowawayresponse: the feels... the feels...
tl;dr: do everything you can while you can.
| 6 | 3.166667 | |
1400868839 | 1400870599 | t3_26bech | t5_2to41 | 28 | Shotsfired_: TIFU at the hospital.
I'm a medical resident. And today at the Vetarens affairs hospital I work at I though I would be funny and make a little joke. We do hundreds of patient reports every day, and I didn't think anyone really looked at them. As I was going through each report I decided to slip a little something into the report. "I don't think anyone really reads these things. The first person to read this and tell me about it gets $5." Well it ends up they do read them. Every single one, thoroughly. So at this point I may lose my residency status and have to find a new hospital to work at.
Darkenshade: Punishment seems a little extreme...
Shotsfired_: You may be surprised at the standards doctors are held to.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1400872039 | 1400875576 | t3_26bjf7 | t5_2to41 | 18 | Jabberwobbly: TIFU by dyeing my eyebrows brown
I used to be a blonde. (People who read this might take the stand that I proved, once and for all, that I still am.)
Much to my regret, my hair turned darker in the last few years, and I dreamed of restoring it to its former glory, instead of its murky brown color. Many attempts were made, which prompted my hair to first turn into a very stretchy, chewing-gum like mess, and then break off.
I abandoned my experiments and slowly came to accept the fact that my head would be coverd in dank lifeless strands of street urchin not-quite-brown. My eyebrows mocked all my dreams, as they are still blond. This, combined with my pretty light skin, makes it look as if I only have half eyebrows, and even then, you would have to catch me in a certain light and angle (this does not quite sound as I meant it to).
In an effort to make my eyebrows match my hair, I went into a drug store, and purchased one of those "dye your own lashes" kit, hoping it would turn my "has not quite figured out how to look grown up" face more put together. After all, eyebrows frame the eyes, something that was not too apparent before.
At home I read the instruction, which said to give it one to two minutes at the most for first the liquid to set in (some concoction that must have been brewed up in some underground laboratory by a hairless chemist with a grudge against all people and no sense of smell, judging by how it smells and stings), and then to apply a gel with a small applicator comb, and subsequently wash it out as quickly as possible. ^^^results may vary.
So, because I wanted my nearly invisible lashes lashes to make an appearance on the stage that is my face, I figured I should apply it there as well. I counted to 100 in my head, and applied the gel. Right away, I could see that it was a *lot* darker than I had meant it to be, and looked almost black. However, at that time, gullible me still thought that might just be because it was still wet.
I should have guessed that that is not what it was, but was still hopeful it would not be as bad as it looked.
I applied the gel to the other eyebrow, and then to the lashes, and then, as per instructions, I washed it off with a facewash, hoping to have my formerly beautifully tweezed eyebrows stand out against my skin and give my eyes that glow I knew they had, even if only I could see it.
Needless to say, it didn't.
When I resurfaced from the sink, the sight that greeted me made me squeal - and not in delight.
My left eyebrow had turned into a hairy black caterpillar that attempted to take over my face and crawl towards my ear.
The right eyebrow was only a little less worse in terms of color, but worse in one regard: I somehow had managed to apply the gel only to half of it, so now it looked like someone chopped off half of my right eyebrow! The surrounding skin also was spotted brown in the most unlikely of places - I must somehow have managed to spill both reactants onto my nose and cheek.
The lashes, in contrast, did not take any color at all, which I had secretly hoped for would be the most obvious of changes.
In complete disbelief, I scrubbed at my face, first with facewash, which, while smelling lightly of disinfectant, did nothing for my eyebrows, except fade the marks the dye had made on my face.
Hoping for an easy solution (see what I did here? ;)), I proceeded into the kitchen, where I got the lemon juice out of the cupboard, reasoning that since it was supposedly used to bleach hair when hair salons weren't a thing yet, it might help me get rid of a little of the sorry mess my hairy arches had become.
Alas, it did not work. I scrubbed and scrubbed, turning my formerly pale, smooth skin in to a red, stinging, flaky mess, which only added to the look of a preteen's first attempt at make-up.
I am now sitting at my laptop, looking up ways to tone down and tame the caterpillar-and-a-half, and deeply regretting my proneness to impulse beautify-yourself-at-home-with-no-risk-and-strings-attached purchases.
Hopefully, my hairdresser can fit me in tomorrow morning first thing to return the less-than-stellar appearance of what is supposed to be the frame of your eyes to its former unglorious state, which I am now very happy to live with.
TL; DR: Don't try and play beautician at home, kids.
Brnrfone: I think we're gonna be needing a pic.
Jabberwobbly: [before][Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/V2EzrEK.jpg)
[after][Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/IUrFekO.jpg)
Sorry for the extremely bad quality, I only have my cell phone.
Brnrfone: I don't notice much of a difference in your before pic. They really don't need to be 'fixed' in any way :/
Jabberwobbly: Before was with brow tint, I do not have one without any makeup on my laptop.
[very slightly better picture][Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/gcrRvyN.jpg)
Yes, probably not all that bad on a photo, but in person I think it looks really stupid. And this is after about half an hour to get rid of the color by any means.
If there was a regretsy for make-up blunders, this might go there. ;)
strong9510: OH DEAR GOD IT'S HIDEOUS! But not really, it still looks fine. Much better than people who completely pluck their brows and then pencil them back in.
Brnrfone: ^ that. Please, please, please don't try to 'fix' your eyebrows to the point of no return. They're eyebrows. They're imperfect by design. Too much attention to them makes a person look silly and vain.
| 7 | 2.571429 | |
1400873337 | 1400887411 | t3_26blhg | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by finishing inside my girlfriend
we were very drunk and i didnt realize the condom had broken until after i pulled out and tried to take it off. I had to buy plan b and a pregnancy test this morning. im aware that we cant use the pregnancy test yet its just in case she misses that time of the month. today totally sucks. im 19 years old and do not know what id do if she was pregnant.
Edit: when i say i dont know what id do, i mean it figuratively. as in, i would be very stressed and it would be difficult to handle. we have talked about what we would actually do and we have agreed on a decision
CaptnRonn: is she on BC?
Because the chances of her getting pregnant after taking plan B, being on birth control, and at a random time of the month are pretty astronomical.
KIMJ0NGTRILL: no shes not, which is why we were using a condom
CaptnRonn: any reason why?
because using a condom in a long term relationship without BC is both a tragedy for both parties' satisfaction and a risky proposition (due to aforementioned chance of tearing)
Never had a scare myself, just a combination of BC and pulling out. Only used condoms while on the dating scene
KIMJ0NGTRILL: just havent done it yet, the semesters over in a week and a half, and then im going to alaska so we didnt see a point until next year
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1400872937 | 1400976941 | t3_26bkvh | t5_2to41 | 94 | Mrthrowaway0001: TIFU by masturbating at work
This is actually a couple of years ago. But right now I'm trying to get a job with the government, and they do I some extensive background work, and you have to fill out a super long questionnaire of things you've done I. The past. You have to be truthful because you will do a polygraph later on. Anyways, one of the questions was. "Have you ever masturbated at work?" I had a couple of times. I explained that it was during my unpaid lunch break, behind a closed locked door of a private bathroom. And that I wasn't even looking at porn. I was newly married and my wife went away and sent me sexy pics. But it doesn't matter because it was technically in a "public" place and now because of a dumb decision I made years ago, I can't get my dream job.
SecondTalon: >You have to be truthful because you will do a polygraph later on.
Hahahahahahahaha no you don't. Polygraphs are shit.
mcandhp: Do polygraphs even work?
thatlazydude: They can be fooled.
GoingBackToMyWays: The investigator asking you questions is trained in knowing if you are trying to fool the poly.
SecondTalon: Not really, no. They just think they are, which is worse.
There's reasons they are not admissible as evidence in court. And why no scientific body thinks they work. Because they don't.
But they're scary and good at getting confessions, real or not, so they get used.
GoingBackToMyWays: We'll if you are applying for law enforcement like OP is, the person interviewing you is trained to pick up on signs that you are cheating it. The most important thing they look for when they do the poly when you apply is if you are willing to tell the truth and not lie, hence, all the weird and out of the blue questions they ask. For example, they want to see if your willing to admit to watching gay porn or if you try to lie your way through it. The worst thing you can do is try to cheat it and get caught, for obvious reasons. I don't think what OP did would be something that would automatically disqualify him.
SecondTalon: No, they intimidate you into incriminating yourself and have what boils down to a malfunctioning siesmograph to scare you.
That's what they're trained to do - intimidate you into confessing.
And a proper test is one in which you go over the questions before you're hooked up so you *don't* have a shock reaction to an unexpected question.
GoingBackToMyWays: I totally agree that it's nothing more than intimidation. I'm not disputing whether the science behind the poly is valid. I believe it's not. However, in this scenario (law enforcement application) the fact is that they are looking to see if you lie. Can you beat the poly? Sure, probably easily. Is this a situation where he wants to risk it and get caught lying and being disqualified from these jobs? It's not worth it.
i_pk_pjers_i: If he's going to be disqualified if he tells the truth anyways, it MIGHT actually be worth lying.
GoingBackToMyWays: No, worst case scenario they tell him to come back in a few years after he matures a bit. If you lie, there's no going back. What would you prefer a cop who did something immature or a cop whose a known liar? Idk About you but I think someone who is willing to lie is much less trust worthy than a guy who jacked off at work once
i_pk_pjers_i: >
No, worst case scenario they tell him to come back in a few years after he matures a bit.
How sure are you about this? Why would they bother asking if he EVER has and not if he has in the past 3 years? I don't think they would want him to come back.
GoingBackToMyWays: I went through the process once before, and even though I didn't get to the poly, I did quite a fair amount of asking around about It. I got DQ because of a ticket I got for a red light. They told me to come back after I waited a year. Idk what agency he applied to and/or their procedures or rules, but i don't see what he did as so bad. Basically they know people are stupid and do stupid things, but they want to see if in the past couple of years you have showed that you matured and made responsible decisions. So he might be told to come back at a later date, but if he lies and gets caught, he might not get another chance.
i_pk_pjers_i: I think a traffic violation is quite a bit different than "public" masturbation, though. One is a minor offense, the other could potentially register you as a sex offender (although, probably not, who knows). I think what he did is worse than what you did in the eyes of the police/potential employers.
| 14 | 6.714286 | |
1400874036 | 1400899348 | t3_26bmmw | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU, ruining my chances with a girl
Brief backstory, a while back, I tried the whole tinder dating business. After a couple days, I had decided that it wasn't really something I was interested in pursuing, but I did want to "see it through" at least once. So I messaged some girl I'd been matched with, and arranged for her to come by my place. She wasn't nearrrly as attractive as her pictures made her seem, but like I said, I wanted to see this through. So I fuck this girl, roll up a joint, we smoke and talk, and then she heads out. Not the worst experience, but I definitely wouldn't have picked her if I knew.
Anyways, simultaneously I've been getting to know this other girl, Irene. Irene is sweet and adorable, but I've not really had the chance to hang out with her outside of a professional setting.
Now we get to 2 nights ago. I'm at a party with some friends (I was absolutely plastered), and who do I see but Irene! It was great! I go up and say hi, and right as I'm starting to talk to her, Tinder girl walks up and starts talking to her. They're best friends. Great. So, I'm in panic mode, I don't want to tell Irene I fucked her off tinder, for obvious reasons, so I pretend I don't know her. We continued talking a bit, and I went to continue drinking with my friends, since I figured I had no chance while Tinder girl was running interference.
Soon, I get a text from a number I don't know, but can pretty easily figure out who it is. It's at this moment that I come up with a brilliant scheme to win Irene's heart, and I composed the following message interchange:
[TIFU](http://i.imgur.com/ruMVoDT.png)
DroidLogician: So you blur out Irene's name in the screenshot and then tell us her name in the selftext. Nice.
SublaciniateCarboloy: The screenshot is the text with the Tinder girl he fucked, not Irene.
DroidLogician: >Look, I'm basically in love with ----- (Irene)
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1400873812 | 1401121603 | t3_26bm9k | t5_2to41 | 50 | sparc_: TIFU by eating protein bars
This is not a shit story. In fact, it's the opposite.
I went on a hiking trip with some friends. Being outdoorsy people, they brought bags of trail mix. I brought a box of protein bars.
On our first short hike, I ate 3 of those bars and farted all the way back down the mountain.
I took five shits afterwards, but none of them were shits. I just sat on the toilet and farted for ten minutes, crying quietly as my ass performed an exorcism on itself. Each time, I thought I would finally release the blockage from my large intestine, only to be rewarded by a sad "pfffffeeeeerft" and an atrocious smell.
Eating protein bars is awful. Never again.
thumbwrestleme: They probably had malitol or sorbitol in them, a fake sweetener.
Stick to CLIF bars, they have more calories, but won't do that to you.
My wife and I call the other kind "Fart Bars". We bought a whole case of them at Costco after trying a sample. We did not discover their dark side until after eating an entire bar. She ate two at work and had to come home...hahah.
sparc_: That's probably it.
I should have just brought CLIF bars; I sometimes eat them driving home after a run and they've never given me any problems.
Tesabella: CLIF bars also taste way better. Just be wary if you're prone to heartburn. Almost all of them will make it flare. My personal favourites were the white chocolate macadamia nut and the peanut butter ones.
| 4 | 12.5 | |
1400873552 | 1400946482 | t3_26blv1 | t5_2to41 | 4 | okimsodonerightnow: TIFU by letting my parents know all the sexual things my girlfriend and I have done
evenstevens280: So your parents are upset because you're doing perfectly natural things? I get they're probably protective but they were probably the same at your age...
Deuce1196: I'm guessing that they are very religious.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1400877387 | 1400895988 | t3_26brxl | t5_2to41 | 389 | cuntwedgie: TIFU by wearing a short dress and shitting myself
Today is a pretty gusty, but beautiful day in the great state of Oregon so I wore a sundress to work (fuck up #1). Running late, I only had time to grab an iced shot in the dark (fuck up #2) for breakfast. Fast forward a few hours and I was feeling a little gassy. I went for the release, and released far more than I had expected. I royally shat myself. Luckily I was able to clean up (thank god for linoleum floors and an empty office). Anyway, now I'm nervously wandering around work in a short dress and no underwear praying that the Lord of Rectums takes pity on me.
invalid_token: The Lord of Rectums pities no one.
cuntwedgie: We must appease him with the sacrifice of inserting a painfully large butt plug.
Herpepotamus: A cunt wedge, if you will.
NolanRoss: I won't.
| 5 | 77.8 | |
1400877889 | 1400937103 | t3_26bsno | t5_2to41 | 12 | bcthrowaway76: TIFU by ruining my chances with someone.
Long story short, the woman I've been seeing for the last 2 months had a really harsh breakup before we started seeing each other. As in, dude was fucking crazy, gunpoint, off to prison now crazy.
I knew / know she has boundary issues, and she let me in to her life, let me be around her kids, stay over on a pretty regular basis, etc.
The one thing I KNEW not to do was show up in the middle of the night, un-announced.
So what did I do last night?
Got drunk with some friends, and on the way home, stopped at her place, called, rang the buzzer, and I'm embarassed and ashamed as I even write this, but I knocked on her window.
Sober me would have NEVER even let me walk to the buzzer, let alone everything else, and needless to say, I freaked her out, she's cut me off, we talked on the phone, and it's fucking over.
I could have seen building a LOT more with her, but I fucked that up.
Bad.
UPDATE : Sent one last text yesterday, telling her that basically "I'm sorry doesn't cover it by any stretch, but I am. I'm embarrassed I behaved like that, I don't want you to think that's how I behave. I don't expect you to call me, text me, anything. But if you ever want to talk, my number will be the same."
She called me at work last night, I walked outside after telling my manager "I HAVE to take this phonecall, get my back, please...", and we talked for the better part of an hour.
Well, she talked, I listened.
Everything's clear, on both sides.
I can't fuck up again. I dealt with PTSD myself, and yeah, she's got some serious shit going on. Having a conversation from that standpoint, I appreciate things from a different viewpoint now.
It's gonna be a long road, and I have NO room to do anything remotely to set off her triggers, but I know what they are now, and that's a start.
And without going into details too much (it's not my shit to really talk about), he was a pretty bad guy. As in, in the paper, on the news, doing life, not 25 years, life, for the shit he did at the end.
Like I said, I know how to be and not be around her (without compromising who I am or any of that, from a healthy standpoint), and we're just gonna go from there, one day at a time.
And to answer the point brought up, yeah, knocking on her bedroom window at night was "something that crazy motherfucker used to do", and believe me, the fact that I did something to set off someone's trigger, knowing what that feels like, made me feel so goddamned heartless I can't even put it into words properly.
But yeah, there's still a chance.
Fucking thank everything good and right in the world, god damn.
SerCallum: Sorry to be all moral high ground-y but you can't use being drunk as an excuse man. You always know what you're doing.
SquishMitt3n: But how is what he did that bad of a thing? This makes no sense to me, how could he be this far in a relationship and lose it to something tiny like this?
SerCallum: I get that normally it doesn't seem like so much of a big deal. But this poor woman has had some shitty, traumatic experience that she never wants to even think about again, never mind experience it. She's got kids too, it's not just a matter of being scared for herself. Plus this dick of an ex could've (likely) been drinking or intoxicated in some way. It's scary for women when you get these big guys out of control, and it's difficult for them to stop us. I just think he can't just lose blame for it cause he's drunk, that's all.
My bad experience I guess, had a lot of people have shitty behaviour and they just blame it on being drunk, like that excuses them of any blame.
SquishMitt3n: I agree with you on being drunk - to an extent. But I still think she over reacted. Of course I understand how she could feel the way she does, but to end a perfectly healthry relationship at that stage seems selfish and silly to me. The kid could have himself a decent father (assumption, of course)
SerCallum: I agree, but remember they'd only been together two months. It hard to really KNOW someone after that amount of time, and now she could think that OP was hiding this side of himself, and sure he says it's a mistake, but she doesn't know how common this could be. Just trying to see it from her POV you know, I agree that they should let this one mistake ruin what they had. I hope it doesn't end something good for them.
| 6 | 2 | |
1400877861 | 1400943316 | t3_26bsm3 | t5_2to41 | 92 | [deleted]: TIFU by meeting a girl I'd known online for 6 years.
This actually happened about a year ago, but didn't know about this subreddit til recently.
It's pretty long, so if you don't have time, here's a TL;DR: met a girl on YouTube, became close over 6 years, met her, she stayed at my house for a week, didn't go well, haven't talked for a year.
Anyway, here's the story:
I've got a YouTube page, started up in early 2006. It was just me playing guitar covers of songs I liked (if anyone is interested, my username is hvrock13). About a year into posting covers and gaining decent popularity for a 15 year old, a girl commented on one of my videos complimenting me. We got to talking, and exchanging myspace pages, and I come to find out she was really cool and definitely cute. As a 15 year old boy, that was pretty cool to me.
We got to be really good friends over the years, consistently talking on the phone, texting, skyping, and sending letters. We had a sort of understood "if we lived near each other, we would date" thing going on at one point, probably around 16 years old, and would talk about meeting up someday. We helped talk each other through a lot over the years, so we meant a lot to each other and were a huge part of each other's lives.
Over the years we had known each other, though, she had this off and on serious boyfriend. Thing is, he would cheat on her, they'd break up, her and I would get to be pretty close friends again, then she'd take him back and we wouldn't talk as much, then it would repeat. Well, the summer after I graduated high school, in 2010, he had apparently cheated on her again and she was pretty fed up and pretty depressed. I was also at a pretty shitty point in my life after a falling out with a friend, which in turn left me with almost no friends that summer. We both agreed we had to meet, and my parents, trying to cheer me up, surprised me with an end of summer family vacation to go see her and hang out on the beach. All summer things started to look up, until a few weeks before the trip. She ran into her ex, and took him back on the spot. And then she told me we couldn't meet because of him, he wouldn't like it.
I was pretty depressed after that, and spent the whole vacation in our beachside condo we had rented, building a model car, which was admittedly pretty lame. For the next few months, I didn't hear from her and life went on. Then eventually, around November, she called me crying and pretty depressed because he was supposedly cheating again. That day I fucked up and accepted her apology and became friends again.
Things went back to normal, she eventually got back with her ex, and we grew slightly apart. Until early last year. He cheated, and she just didn't care anymore, and broke up with him and didn't talk to him for months, even blocked his number. She insisted she would meet me, in May after school. She bought plane tickets and actually showed up and stayed at my house for a week.
I was super excited, obviously. But the week she stayed was.. Horrible. The first night wasn't bad, but it went downhill quick. She wouldn't talk, insisting on being on Tumblr constantly on her phone. I would try to have a conversation and she would tell me to stop trying so hard to talk to her, she didn't like it. She locked herself in a room in the basement crying after 2 days because she "missed home" and when I finally got to talk to her about and tried to just pat her on the back, she angrily said "I don't like being touched!" She was just all-around bipolar and the complete opposite in real life as she was online.
The week went on, and I had a few get togethers with friends so she could meet them, and she would just be off in a corner on her phone. We even went out to dinner with my parents.. She was on her phone under the table the whole time. Now I'm pretty sure she was talking to her ex again. Another thing she would do is wake up at 1 every day and complain I never fed her lunch, or breakfast. I had to go to work in the mornings and she had full access to the kitchen and the house to herself for about an hour before I would get home. Plus when we did make dinner, she would take such small portions, then criticize my brother and I for having larger portions, saying "you're gonna get fat." Yet at strange hours of the night she would beg for me to go buy her candy.
All around it was just really disappointing. The day I took her to O'Hare airport for her flight home (about a 2.5 hour trip to the airport) I had to take a friend along so I would have someone to talk to since she apparently hated conversation. The moment she got back to Florida, she immediately texted me back to her happy cheerful opposite online attitude and I thought nothing of it, until she said I "never fed her and it really upset her." I just went off on her telling her how rude she was and that she made the whole week tough to live through. Everyone that met her agreed with me on that one. We got in a big fight, and just ended up not talking again.
I definitely fucked up by meeting her, because now that she's out of my life, I haven't had a real close friend to talk to anymore. And it's pretty hard for me to trust new people, especially after this experience. Last I heard she's back with her ex again, but at this point I don't really care.
AnnaBalena: This makes me kind of sad. Because even though you considered yourself "close," she sounds like she was a pretty shitty friend all around. I mean, its nice to have someone to talk to and be close with, but its not nice when that person is constantly abandoning you and then coming back, over and over. Especially for someone that is so clearly bad for them.
If all she thinks she deserves is this guy that constantly cheats on her, and she is unable to learn from those experiences over and over again, I don't really know how stable of a person she is at all. You seem like you have yourself together enough to deserve better friends than that.
Everyone has a crazy friend like that, trust me, but I would be willing to bet not too many of them are the "best friend" status. It's generally someone on the peripheral of the group, because strong friendships can't build on a crazy foundation like that. At least not in my experience.
My suggestion is to just try to get that connection with a face to face friendship, where you can really get the feel for who the person is, and build on that. It's more fulfilling, and more genuine.
And **BONUS** you don't have to worry about feeding them! Unless your new friend is a dog, then you def do have to feed them. Also, dogs make some of the best friends ever. Perhaps you should start there. (I can't even imagine how lonely I would be if I didn't have my pup to keep me company.)
[deleted]: You're right, she definitely wasn't the best choice of best friend. Sadly, I'm pretty anxious in social settings and just with people in general, so I've had a really hard time making friends beyond the few from grade school that I've sort of been friends with my whole life. I don't have too much in common with any of them though.
I really do hope I find a good, trusting friend though. I really could use that. Through this experience and others, I have a really hard time trusting people. I really appreciate your thought out advice though. I actually have a dog, but she's not a very nice one. Never trained her right, and she's near death now. She's put me off from dogs, but I wouldn't be opposed to a larger, more well behaved and chilled out dog. My dog now is a rat terrier and she's just loud and obnoxious and unfriendly. Definitely will consider a dog when I'm on my own though!
AnnaBalena: I think the really important thing is to try your hardest not to carry around baggage that other people gave you. Trusting people is one of those calculated risks that you can choose not to make, but I think it makes life less fulfilling if you don't take it.
There are all kinds of people out there. Letting this person that did this shitty thing to you color your experiences with other people who had nothing to do with it is doing a disservice to yourself. You could be selling other people short just because someone else burned you, and that could cause you to miss out on a really good connection.
The best thing you can do is to figure out who you really are, that is what being in your twenties is about. Figure out what you love, what you like, what you hate. Meet people, have good relationships, have fleeting relationships, and learn how to be alone without being lonely. When you can do that, every relationship, friendly or otherwise, will be based not on you being incomplete and wanting to fill a void with another person's presence, but with wanting to genuinely spend time with someone just for who they are and the joy they can bring to your already fulfilling life.
It's not an easy thing, I understand that. I'm 31 and single and it took me a long time to get to that place, but I'd like to think that if someone had explained it to me a little better, instead of just spitting out "you have to love yourself first before you can properly love someone else," I might have gotten to this place sooner.
There is something to be said for being able to identify when people enhance your life and when they don't, and being able to embrace or dismiss those who deserve it, just because you are secure in yourself and don't *need* another person to validate you. It's really very freeing. Because then you know the connections you have are genuine, they are there because you want them there, not because you need them for one reason or another.
This can also go for dogs, surprisingly. They have personalities and preferences just like people. I have always had bigger dogs, golden retrievers and now a boxer/pit mix. I noticed in my experience that a bigger dog tends to be less insecure, if just because of their size, than smaller dogs. With the smaller ones, you do have to train them to be calm and not threatened by things that are bigger than them, which is basically everything. I got my dog at 10 weeks old, and showered him with love. He doesn't really listen to me all the time (never trained him right, either), but he is a lover to the core and can nap with the best of them (me haha).
I say just keep trying, with people and with pups. The more secure you are in yourself and your ability to identify a healthy relationship, the better things will go for you all around.
Oh, and another thing to remember is that you don't owe anyone anything. You cannot allow yourself to be responsible for another person's happiness. Happiness is a choice, believe it or not, and while you can find joy and happiness with other people, don't ever feel obligated to stay friends with someone. If they are not good for you, then even if you know it will hurt them to let them go, you have to do it for yourself AND for them. You can't be responsible for their happiness and they shouldn't be an unwanted burden on your happiness. It will be hard in the moment, but honesty is all anyone should ever expect from another person. Being able to dole it out is a real sign of maturity and self-understanding, IMHO.
idkwut2put: Wonderfully said. Thank you.
It was supportive to read, but when you started to write about being responsible for another's happiness because "happiness is a choice," I felt some relief.
My mom and I have a close relationship. She was diagnosed with mild schizophrenia and depression. She's doing well though. Her moods are stable and she takes care of her hygiene. She cooks, cleans, goes for walks and even bike rides. She smiles, talks/converses and is overall well adjusted.
My parents are from China, and they're divorced. My dad is better adjusted to the culture, had more education, and came from a better - of family than my mom's so he's more level headed (that could also be his personality. He's pretty confident in himself).
My mom, not so much. She seeks validation. The last big episode she went through was pretty bad. She jumped through her bedroom window (second story), and landed into a bush. I'm still not sure if she really tried to kill herself.
At this point, I had already grown accustomed to /her/. (Sorry. First time posting and I'm not sure how to do much formating yet... I'll learn. I promise.)
So when I got called on my drive home, my neighbor starting off the conversation with, "So don't panic..." I already made the decision not to panic.
I wasn't even shocked... I mean I was, but for sure I wasn't in hysterics. I knew it was a cry for help and attention. In the ambulance, I wasn't even worried. Looking back, I guess I was in shock too. But I knew she'd be okay. I over heard the EMT say that she'd be okay. I know it's their job to not sound panicked but he didn't sound panicked. I knew she was gonna be okay.
But back to the section on being responsible for another's happiness: I've felt responsible for my mom's happiness because I didn't think she could be happy on her own. Truly happy. And she can't, but that doesn't mean she can't find happiness in day to day moments. She says that's how she lives anyway. Day to day.
I try to get her to see further, to look further, and more importantly, yo take responsibility for her actions and decisions, but it hasn't worked and I'm just getting exhausted.
I'm happy I got someone to tell me that it's not my responsibility how other people live their lives - even if it's my mother.
I could keep going, but I don't wanna bore you guys. This is my first post.
Thank you to those of you who read. This just sorta happened because we got into a fight recently about her wanting to skimp out on her share of the big bills, and ask my dad to cover her share for a while and I just felt like she wasn't taking responsibility.
Thank you reddit, for giving me a place to vent.
AnnaBalena: I'm really glad I was able to bring you some relief. I've been in a lot of relationships where I felt like if I left, the other person would be depressed and upset and I dragged things out because I couldn't deal with it. But now I know that it's not my responsibility to make someone feel a certain way. It's theirs. And I shouldn't allow myself to suffer for someone else's benefit. It's not fair to anyone.
Take your relationship with your mom the same way she takes her relationship with the world: day by day. The love and caring is constant, but the rest is just what's happening today, and that's ok. It's ok to be concerned about her but also about your own state of mind. If you try to fight her natural emotions day in and day out, you'll be exhausted and burnt out and you'll miss the experience of your own life. No matter how else she feels, I'm sure she doesn't want that for you.
I'm glad you posted, this community can be harsh and fickle at times, but there are these little pockets of joy, love and support that really mean a lot. Kind of like how your mom lives. It's not perfect, but it's not terrible either. And if you just stop to notice it, you realize it's not as bad as you thought. It's actually kind of beautiful.
| 6 | 15.333333 | |
1400878227 | 1400910498 | t3_26bt5i | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by coughing at the wrong moment (pics included for proof)
LondonChap86: Wow, some people will really go to any lengths to get some upvotes...
roltrap: Ive been here for five years and only got 30k karma. Do you realky think I give a shit about upvotes?
LondonChap86: Calm down. Clearly a joke.
roltrap: No worries. I just woke up and still a bit grumpy. By the way you don't get karma for self posts :)
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1400878214 | 1401144352 | t3_26bt4p | t5_2to41 | 164 | sherbertsheperton: TIFU by Making an Ass Out of U and Me
I believe I have offically earned my Reddit "horrible person" certification. In the last few weeks, a few people I know have had babies and put pictures of the baby with a birth announcement on Facebook. Today, I was quickly scrolling through my feed when I noticed a new baby pic and birth announcement. The post was too long to read it all, but it started out saying that baby's name had been born and the time, followed by the "read more" link. After that, there was a photo. I was in a hurry and didn't read the rest of the post, ASSUMING that it was like all the other announcements and left a quick comment saying "Congrats!"
Well, it wasn't like all the rest. I assumed the post was good news. It was anything but. Three hours later, I received a text from my sister saying I needed to remove the comment. The FULL post was announcing the birth of my cousin's STILL-BORN baby. It had died in the womb a day or two prior and the doctors had to induce labor. I didn't even notice that the baby was wearing an ANGEL GOWN in the photo and definitely made an ass of myself.
tl;dr Didn't read full Facebook post, congratulated cousin on birth of dead baby.
[deleted]: I haven't scrolled down all the way, but you'd think there would be more English teachers here saying, "That's why I teach my students read all the way through!"
sherbertsheperton: Sadly, I majored in English. :/
i_pk_pjers_i: .......
Ouch. That makes this worse. If you majored in English, wouldn't that mean that you enjoy reading the English language?
sherbertsheperton: Yes. I just happened to be in a hurry at the time.
[deleted]: Unacceptable!
| 6 | 27.333333 | |
1400878780 | 1401034565 | t3_26btze | t5_2to41 | 137 | momoknows: TIFU - Showing my dad some work I did in school.
So, little backstory, my one friend and i send each other gay porn and pictures of huge cock to each other for fun. Yes, it seems weird, we find it hysterical. Neither of us are gay. Anyways. I just finished trade school for welding. My dad was a welder for many years so i took pics of the progress i was making and the pieces i was working on. I show him some stainless steel welds that i did, he wants to see the phone to zoom up on the work. I had about 5 pics of the welds, well, he goes about 1 pic too far and i realize that my dad is now staring at an enormous black cock. This is one veiny triumphant son of a bitch. I neglected to check the pictures before and after my welding....
monty845: Searching out gay porn and giant dicks, and sharing them with your male friend... claims neither are gay... doesn't say anything about being straight.
lordgiza: [No homo](http://i.imgur.com/oqj1avK.png)
Lothar_Ecklord: [It's not gay if you reciprocate.](http://beta.southparkstudios.com/clips/155503/butters-surprise) There's a South Park for everything...
[Episode summary](http://southpark.wikia.com/wiki/Cartman_Sucks), on the off chance anyone here hasn't seen it. {Spoilers}
| 4 | 34.25 | |
1400882330 | 1400907104 | t3_26bzbu | t5_2to41 | 4,676 | The_Lion_Queen: TIFU by dropping my pen: a $26,000 mistake
I'm an engineer at a manufacturing plant. The company I work for produces specialty steel for a variety of industries, including aerospace. I was watching a product at a rolling mill and tried to measure a defect's repeat distance. I guess my small hands couldn't handle a tape measure, a pen, and a tablet, because the pen slipped and wrapped up into the product. The pen pushed through the steel and created a huge hole. The operator had to cut the hole out, and now the leftover piece may not be big enough for the customer. At over $16/pound, there is a potential $26,000 revenue loss. oops.
Heard Sandstorm on the radio on the way home, so I got that going for me.
Anyone else F up at work which resulted in huge costs?
hatefullyemployed: Many years ago I worked at a company with really large printing presses that required custom sheeted paper. I once sheeted just shy of a half million pounds of paper (at $25 per CWT) to the wrong size by 3/16" — $120,000.00 mistake.
I don't work with this machinery anymore.
13zath13: Which probably made your boss hate you. Which also explains your user name
AgreesForNoReason: Agreed.
Makaveli80: I like your username
SemiSentientWiener: What about mine?
TellsUShutTheFuckUp: Shut the fuck up.
SemiSentientWiener: :(
the_winter_storm: It's okay. Winter is coming.
______DEADPOOL______: Storm.
She's so hot right now.
the_winter_storm: Deadpool!
Hey buddy!
______DEADPOOL______: Heeey! What's up?
So, did you like the sex last night?
the_winter_storm: Twas the best. You coming over again tonight?
______DEADPOOL______: You betcha!
And this time, I'm bringing the anal destroyer.
*wink*
the_winter_storm: Fine but this time, I'm tying *you* up.
| 15 | 311.733333 | |
1400874147 | 1401327901 | t3_26bmsk | t5_2to41 | 3 | Marla77: TIFU by failing my drug test for nursing school
MedicTB: One of my close friends was doing mushrooms during the first year of nursing school. I find it odd that the nursing school has a drug test - so I can't comment on how strict the punishment will be, but if I had to guess they're probably looking for narcotics. Nurses are entrusted with narcotics everyday, so they probably want to make sure you aren't a junkie before letting you enroll.
Hopefully the worst that will happen is you'll be called in to explain yourself.
Good luck, I hope it all works out :).
Marla77: Well....I was kicked out of the program. No retake. No chan e to plead my case. JUST OUT!
I can reapply next year though.
| 3 | 1 | |
1400888560 | 1400892805 | t3_26c856 | t5_2to41 | 20 | BaconShazam: TIFU by using Selsun Blue. Warning NSFW!
TIFU Reddit. I mean, every guy has those days where he just HAS to fap by some means. Well I was home alone, my parents were at work and I had just got done with my morning shift. Being the horndog that I am, I decided to massage my Johnson. But it wasn't enough. I needed the sensation of lubrication. But I was too horny to care what lube I got. I flipped the curtain open and grabbed a blue bottle of what I thought was normal shampoo and went to work. To my dismay, it was not normal shampoo. It was 4% salicylic acid Selsun Blue. (Hey, shampoo works just as good as any lotion so no givin me shit) I go for about 5 minutes, then I stopped. It hit me like a burning acidic flam wasn't e of fuck you horny bastard for masturbating. I was home alone and am thankful that no one was home to hear my screams. I jump in the shower and put it on the coldest temp and sit there for almost an hour. I felt so tired, I jumped in bed and took a nap. I awoke to a sticky feeling in my crotch. I pull down my boxers and see a bulging red and yellow pulsating genitalia. I tell my mom my head hurts so I ask for a cup of ice. (Idfk it hurt so I thinking) she brings it to me, leaves and I dump the ice down my boxers and fall asleep. Literally one of the worst pains I ever felt.
proud2beirish: Put toothpaste on it, it will soothe it and you will feel better immediately
CAHooptie: Do this, it will help so much.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1400889683 | 1400896726 | t3_26c9jj | t5_2to41 | 28 | kathleen352: TIFU by ripping massive ass in front of my boss
(Throwaway, because, embarrassment.)
(Yes I am a pig, that's why this is TIFU.)
I'm very close with my one office-mate. I'm lucky to have a co-worker I hit it off so well with, and with whom I've been friends for a while now; we met at work, but hang out outside of work quite a bit etc.
Anyway, I had leftover chili for lunch today, and was feeling extremely gassy. (Happens more often than I'd care to admit.) I notified by kind coworker of my status, and she responded cheerfully and with humor, that I could just fart out the door, into the hall. I decided to actually do this: I opened the door, and stood there with my back facing out to the hall, trying to look casual as I talked to my office-mate about nothing in particular, as cover.
Ever so slightly bend my knees...tense...wait...release...sweet relief. Just this long-lasting, huge volume of air, totally silent I might add. Felt fuckin' great to get it out. I start to walk back to my seat. Then I noticed my office-mate's eyes go wide for a moment as they look past me, out the door.
My boss was right there, literally right there, as he was about to ask us about something. (Company picnic as it turned out.) There could be no way (unless he had severe sinus congestion) that he didn't notice the stench cloud, and sure enough, I saw him wrinkle his nose a couple times and narrow his eyes in obvious reaction...I was 50 shades of red, my office-mate was suppressing her laughter. At least it's Friday, maybe my boss will forget about it by Monday.
So embarrassed, and of course it would smell *and* the smell would spread into the office itself while he's there talking...the fact that my boss is a dude somehow makes it even worse than if he was female. :(
tl;dr: Had nasty gas, ripped massive ass right outside office just as boss stops by for extended conversation
readitgotitgood: I bet he won't ask you to bring that chili to the company picnic
kathleen352: It was super delicious, though :( But point taken haha.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1400896626 | 1400947591 | t3_26ci02 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by reading 'friend' posts.
I don't know if we're still friends on reddit, or if he'll look into my posts. But I've known this guy for years. I would browse his posts since we have similar movie interests, and came across a pretty personal post from some odd subreddit. I now know more about him than I ever intended, and I think it may change how I see him from now on...
TL;DR
It's short, read it.
thebrewsterbeaner: New found respect?? Or wish you hadnt read it?? Either way he knew someone would read it eventually.
Edit:you
TechnicalPony: Wish I hadn't read it. And haha, I guess, yeah. I've already brought it up, and it's blown over.
esearcher: Now I'm curious about the obscure sub!
TechnicalPony: Haha, some pen pals or something like that. I honestly noped the hell out when I realized what I was reading xD
esearcher: Interesting! I've learned the hard way not to go through friends' histories or posts or anything. I'm not the type who is comfortable saying anything so it just sits with me and continues to creep me out. I'd rather just be curious about where they're hanging out or what they're posting than know.
A while back, one of my closest friends was going through a really nasty divorce and asked me to help her by going through all her email and chats too and from her ex looking for something. So as I'm going email by email, chat by chat, I end up seeing pictures of them having sex with other couples, and a chat where the two of them were trying to lure me there (we were neighbors for a while) for a threesome (not my thing!). I did not know about that side of their lives and I really didn't want to. I didn't say anything about what I saw because I didn't want to embarrass her, but what has been seen can't be unseen.
TechnicalPony: Hot. Damn. I only went through since I was looking for a lost footage movie forum he had posted in, figured that would be the easiest way. We're pretty good friends, so it's all good. It wasn't anything necessarily bad, I just got a shock out of it I guess. I've learned not to go through it again, though.
| 7 | 1 | |
1400885734 | 1400899342 | t3_26c471 | t5_2to41 | 13 | neobyte999: TIFU by listening to the Dead Sea ladies sales pitch and ended up buying 120 bucks worth of shit I've never used before.
So I was walking through the mall to buy some running shoes and this girl was at the kiosk where they sell you that stupid face wash crap. The girl looked EXACTLY like an old friend of mine, to the point that I was so shocked that I had to stare for a moment to make sure. It was done. She did the whole pitch. She had this beautiful Israeli accent. I'm in the military, I've had people give me a sales pitch and walk away before, but man. She looked so much like her, and I was dead in love with the girl from my past. She wanted to sell me on a bunch of stuff totaling $230 but honestly, I was only interested in the shaving balm, just to see if there was indeed a difference. She separated me from my money like it wasn't even mine. I told her so and she haggled with me a bit more and I bought the shaving balm along with other crap I know I'll never use.
From now on I'm walking through the mall with headphones on and blaring. I'm not hurting for the money, but 120 bucks... Damnit...
Tl:dr don't walk past the kiosks at an American mall, run with ears shut and yelling loudly.
okaminoyume: ......Is there a chance that we met the same girl? Are you from Oklahoma, perchance? And was this in Norman? Because the exact same thing happened to me, only she got me to buy four nail care sets for eighty bucks. I was charmed by her accent too, and she seemed so sweet. >.>
I got a good deal....but. Eighty bucks, lol.
neobyte999: No, this was in charleston. But yeah, I get the feeling. And I'm a dude. Honestly, i was just struck at how much she looked like my old flame. She saw me coming a mile away.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1400900158 | 1400907919 | t3_26cm43 | t5_2to41 | 15 | MyNameIsElla: TIFU by throwing a baby on the ground
I'm in high school, and in high school there is a health class. And in health class, some teachers give out fake babies for people to take care of over the weekend. It senses if it gets hit on the head, if you don't feed it, if you leave it crying, etc.
I was in the tech booth in the theatre and some fellow named Raphael came in. He had this fake baby wrapped in a blanket. I thought it was just a random plastic baby he was using for a prop in the show he was in, so I took it from him. And then, being a sensible and sane person, I threw it on the ground.
I knew something was wrong by the way he went insane and picked the baby up and started coddling it and whatnot. The other people in the tech booth managed to tell me that what I threw on the ground was a baby that Raphael got for his health class. That he was supposed to take care of and love over the weekend. That wasn't supposed to get *thrown* *on* *the* *fucking* *ground*.
Long story short, it turns out I killed the baby and he will probably get an F on the project. I'm going to be a terrible parent.
**TL;DR:** **I** **threw** **a** **baby** **on** **the** **ground** **and** **killed** **it**
syncrobo: Remember, these stories are NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FICTITIOUS.
MyNameIsElla: This happened, friend
syncrobo: > he will probably get an F on the project.
I'm not calling you out for fakes yet, but this line was the one that swayed my opinion.
If true, dang. What were the repercussions from your parents and the school?
MyNameIsElla: My health teacher didn't give us this project, so I'm not exactly sure. But I know that he was doing this for extra credit, and he already has an A+ in that class. I have yet to find out if I'm in trouble or not, so I'll just spend the weekend worrying about it.
| 5 | 3 | |
1400898701 | 1400988175 | t3_26ckgq | t5_2to41 | 9 | Baconator124: TIFU by talking about porn
So i was in 6th grade at the time with stupid dreams, few friends, and long flowing hair.
So i met this guy at my school, were gonna call him Eric just because. Anyways, "Eric" was making a lot of youtube videos which at the time, beibg my young self, did'nt realize his videos were shit. So we became friends, made a couple shit videos, etc. But one day, me and my cousin were hanging out in my room. So i decided to video chat with Eric, and just talk. I had the bright idea of talking about porn. So i just yelled (being the loud nouth i am) "i've watched porn before!" Thats when my cousin said "Don't say that so loud. Your dad could hear you." Not 10 seconds later, my dad comes in and asks me to come into his office. He then proceds to scold me in his office and ground me for half of summer.
TL;DR I video chatted with a friend, talked about porn, and got grounded.
barnacledoor: sounds like your dad overreacted a bit.
i_pk_pjers_i: I think it might be another case of religion clouding peoples judgement and forcing bad ideas into their heads.
barnacledoor: There is no mention of religion in the original post.
i_pk_pjers_i: Yeah but it sounds an awful lot like an overly religious father to me. What father in their right mind grounds their child for MONTHS for masturbating?! Masturbating is normal and healthy, it's disgusting how many sexually repressive parents there are. That's so fucking disgustingly damaging to children.
barnacledoor: nah, i don't think you're right here and i don't even think you're looking at it the right way. i'd have a problem with my 11 year old son looking at porn on the internet. i don't know that i'd go to that length in punishing him, but that's way too young to be messing around with that stuff. at the same time, i'd probably talk to him to explain why it was a problem and find out if he was just talking big to a friend or actually messing around with that stuff.
i_pk_pjers_i: Well, fetuses masturbate in the womb so I would not say 11 is "too young". Masturbating is healthy and normal, and parents making children repress their normal actions is just wrong IMO.
barnacledoor: Wow, you sure are hung up on masturbation because you're the only one talking about it. Looking at porn is not the same as masturbation. Sure, when a boy is a little older and they understand sex and everything a little bit better, then they can do what they do, but 11 is way too young to be looking at Internet porn. There is just too much stuff out there that is not good for a developing mind. Masturbation is fine, porn for young boys is bad. OK?
| 8 | 1.125 | |
1400901588 | 1400914145 | t3_26cnrr | t5_2to41 | 56 | HotShot345: TIFU by looking at my dad's phone
His phone was on the table in front of me, and he received a new text message. I looked down to see why it was vibrating, and he received a text from a number in Indiana asking, "Are you going to be a dirty animal for me? bring ..." (message cut off, and I didn't open his phone to see what the rest said)
We do not live in Indiana, so I would normally assume that this was just a wrong number. But he's traveling to Indiana in a few days, and he's cheated on my mom (though never admitted to it) in the past. I thought the entire family was past this, but we aren't evidently.
Honestly, I don't know what to do, and this isn’t the proper subreddit to solicit advice on. I have mixed feelings right now—I'm mostly angry though. A part of me wants to tell my mom, the other part of me wants to confront him, and another part says I should just let it all go.
Teshinator: Maybe confront him about it. Make him feel guilty and maybe he will reconsider.
HotShot345: This is what I wanted to do when I saw it. Thing is, I think he knows I saw it; while we were waiting for takeout, he made it a point to pull out his iPhone and show me the page with all the text message threads. He deleted the text in question, but I'm pretty sure he responded to it first.
As far as making him reconsider goes, I am not even going to bother. A few months ago, my sister discovered he was cheating on my mom, and she went to her. They both cried and screamed at him, asking why he'd do this or that. He gave them each a different reason privately, and then said he'd never do it again. Well, he's doing it again. >_>
And I know that if I confront him, he'll deny it and I'm worried he'll try and bait me into a fight so he can get me arrested (which he told my mom he wanted to do last time this all came up because I threw him out of my mom's bed and dragged him onto the couch because she didn't want to sleep next to him).
DontKnowMyRealName: Don't get too involved in your parents relationship, it's no good for any of you. That said, she deserves to know what you saw and she can decide what to do with that information. It sounds like there's a ton more to this saga, and I'm sorry you're living with it
| 4 | 14 | |
1400901140 | 1400902865 | t3_26cn8v | t5_2to41 | 75 | jackson_australia: TIFU by helping my grandpa fix his emails
Not sure if this counts as my fuck up or my grandpa's but it sucked either way
So my grandpa has been complaining about not getting any emails for a few weeks now and I kept saying I'd go round and fix it but had put it off until today, I call him up telling him I'm coming over to fix them, he's thrilled. I get over there, have a quick cup of tea with him then we go to the study, I sit down and turn the monitor on, my grandpa only turns the monitor off, not the actual computer for some reason, so as the screen wakes up it shows his screen saver, 2 women fingering each other. We both see it, I try not to make a big deal of it and left click a few times to get rid of it, whilst my grandpa makes an awkward laugh/childish giggle noise, this guy celebrated his 80th birthday a few months ago. The screen saver goes and I see the website he was on, some obscure porn site in some weird language that had letters I've never seen before. Grandpa still awkwardly laughing but not saying anything, I close the page and then see his background, a collage of lesbian porn scenes, probably around 50 photos on this background, in all sorts of positions. I quickly try to locate his Microsoft Outlook shortcut in amongst the boobs, dildos and vaginas all over the place. My grandpa has now stopped laughing and is just staring out the window to avoid the awkwardness. I fixed the emails, had to change the incoming mail server. I left the emails up so I didn't have to see that epic background again. I look at my grandpa and say "Ok all done I'll see you later" and charge out of that fap station as fast as humanly possible. I don't think I'll ever understand why he has porn as his screensaver and background, if you're going to download porn, keep it hidden in some weirdly named folder deep down in your hard drive. I have washed my hands 9 times since I got home, it's still not enough
**tl;dr My 80 year old grandpa has porn all over his computer and doesn't hide it from anyone**
Brnrfone: Well first off, he sounds like a pretty badass grampa. Also, at 80 I question how much he's wacking it as opposed to just enjoying the pictures. He probably doesn't know how to hide it. He keeps the stuff he likes where he knows how to find it. You should go back and show him how to set up a couple folders within a folder and how to download videos. He's at that age where you really have to start living life to its fullest and fuck what other people think. I'm guessing he's single, so give the poor guy a break. Do him a solid and help him enjoy the 21st century, (and spare him the embarrassment of having to ask anyone else for help with his computer.) Also, introduce him to pornhub and xhamster, those Russian sites are most definitely gonna give him a virus.
esearcher: He does sound badass. But I don't even think he needs folders and folders within folders to hide his porn. The man is 80, he's beyond the age where he has to hid anything from anyone, or explain himself. Grandpa should proudly fly his freak flag!
Brnrfone: I agree, but a simple folder titled "private" left on his desktop with "pictures" and "videos" folders would suffice.
esearcher: Why does he need that, nobody is looking at his computer at this point. Besides his grandson when it needs to be fixed, but otherwise, why bother?
Brnrfone: Idk, I'm just thinking neighbor or relatives or at some point caretaker....who knows? I would tell my grandpa to hide his shit and not have his background blaring porn. Jussayin...
| 6 | 12.5 | |
1400902023 | 1401034768 | t3_26coa6 | t5_2to41 | 25 | NotACompleteDumbass: TIFU by trusting a fart
I was in WalMart with my girlfriend and my friend getting energy drinks, and I had to fart, so I announced that I had to poot, and lo and behold, it wasn't a poot, a hot mess of viscous poo ran down my leg and I quietly whispered "That wasn't a poot" with a look of horror on my face. I ashamedly waddled to the bathroom to clean up and had to abandon my boxers, they were beyond saving. As we were leaving, I was informed that I had a huge shit stain down my pants, and had to change pants, so I had to change in my car, in the fucking parking lot.
TL;DR: Shit my pants in WalMart with my girlfriend
[deleted]: This is random but
YOU SAY "POOT", TOO, INSTEAD OF FART???!
I thought I was alone
Lothar_Ecklord: I knew someone who called it a "pook" (rhymes with "look", not "nuke")
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1400906443 | 1400909384 | t3_26ct9h | t5_2to41 | 5 | Flon890: TIFU by possibly getting my girlfriend pregnant
the_winter_storm: Not trying to be a prick- how old is your girlfriend? Up until this past year, my period was always completely fucking random but it's finally stable now. It *could* be something like that.
^I've ^had ^scares ^from ^mine ^being ^random, ^too.
missmaggy2u: How old were you when they regulated?
the_winter_storm: Well it was this past December when I moved in with my SO. So, I was 20.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1400897600 | 1401064997 | t3_26cj4x | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending a private text to a group that involves the person I was mad at.
I woke up this morning thinking it would be a good day. It's a friday, I get paid today, and I'm gonna go hang with some friends later. It started off with my money not being in my account because my boss screwed up payroll. This set the tone for the whole day. I got to work and there was nothing for me to do so I actually spent 6 mind numbing hours doing next to nothing. I was supposed to work 8 but left early because i was going to kill myself. I met up with some friends because we were going to ride some motor powered drift trikes. We spent around 4 hours riding and it was all good, then my friends lost control with nobody on it and smashed the side of my car. We worked it out, we are gonna fix it, it's all good. I was steaming on the inside but didn't want to show it because my friend who did it was already busted up about it. We shook hands, I left, and felt like I needed to vent and sent an angry text to my other friend, except it wasn't to my other friend. I sent "Now that friend cant hear me that might have been the dumbest fucking thing I have ever seen done," to the group message we have ongoing that crashed-into-my-car-friend is in. I actually want to die right now. This is the worst day I have had since 9/11.
missmaggy2u: That last line tho
ArizonaIcedOutBoys: I mean it wasn't a joke. If I said "this was the worst day of my life" i would have been lying.
mah131: What happened to you on 9/11?
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1400904861 | 1400922240 | t3_26crjy | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting lost on the way to my daughter's camping trip
Let's begin with why this was such a big deal. Every year my daughter's school has a
class camp out. She has attended this school since kindergarten, and will be in 7th grade next year (it is a k-8 charter school). We have never attended a class camp out before. She has ADHD/Anxiety and has never been able to make friends and keep relationships with the kids in her class. She was more or less a social outcast. We never felt comfortable attending these extra curricular activities for this reason.
But this year has been completely different. Her therapy and meds are working. She is social and outgoing. She has friends. She has friends who wanted her to come to the camp out! So we decided to go.
I thought I knew where I was going. It's a state park that includes a substantial lake. Driven past it many times to and from other destinations. Had directions from the class. It was only supposed to be a two hour drive. I've never gone camping without my husband, but what could go wrong?
We get there and I realize we are in the wrong place. The site we are supposed to go to is on the other side of the lake. I ask the ranger for directions and a map ( there is no cell service, can't use my phone for mapping). The directions are vague but we head out.
Two hours of me driving down rutted out dirt roads with it getting dark and my tank down to a 1/3 full, having gotten stuck on the road a couple of time and my daughter's anxiety reaching a boiling point, we decide to go home. It took us 5 hours of driving before we quit. 2 hours home. I feel like a dumbass and she is crazy disappointed. I don't think there's a thing I can do to make it up to her.
zippityfuckingdoodah: That's a rough day for everyone, and she'll get over it, I bet. You, on the other hand, need to get a GPS.
Headshot_: *"At the next intersection. Recalculating route*"
| 3 | 8 | |
1400908326 | 1400980446 | t3_26cv26 | t5_2to41 | 17 | Teh_Critic: TIFU, watching my GF's cat and he escaped within minutes of getting him home.
My gf is on an extended trip through Europe with her friends, and her brother/roommates was watching her animal. Except for this weekend, when he is going home for Memorial Day weekend. So I took the responsibility of housing the cat. He's a cool cat, I've taken care of him many times, but this time as soon as I got him into my bedroom and began setting up his litterbox and food and whathaveyou, he bolted for the cracked-open window and busted out the screen. I ran out back to see him jump over the fence.
I haven't seen him since. I rode my bike around for hours with a headlamp trying to catch his eye-shine. I put out wet food and salmon and catnip at my window and I set up wet food at my girlfriends house (she lives a block away from me)... I put an ad on craigslist, but I'm terrified. Not only terrified of what she'll think if I can't find him, but terrified because I too love this cat as though he were my own.
Teh_Critic: **Final update: Cat's in the bag**
Got desperate and just started hopping fences and roaming backyards, assuming an indoor cat wouln't go far. There was a shed on cinderblocks in one backyard, and it seemed too good to be true - poked my head down and I see his jet-black sheen and tail curled around, I maneuvered around, to get a better look and he kept moving to the far end of the shed to avoid me. I chased him under a vinyl grill cover and nabbed him. He fought me tooth and nail all the way home, but I arrived victorious!
A humble thank you to those of you who took any interest in the saga of my girlfriends missing cat.
Scottstoiletpaper: Good, now if your girl really meant that you'd be dead to her if you couldn't fond the cat (not sure if that comment was serious), I suggest you ditch her. You seem like a good person.
Teh_Critic: Not to dismiss your advice, but I love how this is always the go-to advice given to people who's SO said something remotely shitty to them.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1400912986 | 1400929313 | t3_26czdt | t5_2to41 | 22 | TheFluffyButt: TIFU by getting my willy stuck in a conditioner bottle.
So there I was, in the tropical paradise that I call my bathroom, taking perhaps the greatest shower of all time, when I had suddenly gotten the urge to unleash a gigantic load of the good stuff. As I began to embark on the journey of the cumming of Jesus Christ, I happened to make perhaps the greatest mistake of my life. I saw an empty conditioner bottle.
Now being quite young and at an experimental age, I figured "Hey... Why not. I bet my willy could fit in there!". If only I had known what horrors would await me next. After revving up my joystick, I shoved my dick so far down that conditioner bottle, not even King Arthur could pull it out. The journey towards the cumming of Jesus Christ furthered, until I noticed that things were getting a bit tight. But it was too late. Death grip had come over me, and the bottle and I had become one.
I had tried everything to get it this bottle off. Water, Shampoo, even Hair-Gel would not make this thing budge. It was as if the conditioner bottle was Vault 101 and my willy were its dwellers. And then it hit me, The last resort. I needed to get to the kitchen and get some scissors. I sprinted towards the kitchen like everything in my life was leading up to this moment, like everything and everyone was depending on me to repopulate the earth. I grabbed the scissors out of the draw and vigorously demolished the bottle off my willy with great success. That's when... My mother walked in. She saw what I had done and quickly ran out of the room.
I then walked to my room in shame and promised myself, that from that moment on, I would be like a honey bee, spreading my nectar across the world and never taking my willy for granted again.
**TL;DR** got my willy stuck in a conditioner bottle, decided to run to the kitchen to get some scissors, mom walks in.
obliterayte: Upvotes for the rather funny story but I have to call shenanigans. Your pecker would have gone soft as the pain and panic of getting it stuck in a conditioner bottle would deflate any sort of arousal you were feeling. I was young too, I'm pretty sure every young stud has attempted to fuck a beauty product at least once.
holnrew: It acts like a cock ring though, holding the blood in the penis.
obliterayte: Idk I suppose it could theoretically, but not usually. A conditioner bottle is pretty lubed up and its harder to get it in the hole than to remove it, due to dick shape. Judging from past experiences this story just seems implausible. Myth busted.
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1400877848 | 1401056308 | t3_26bslg | t5_2to41 | 13 | hatefullyemployed: TIFU by underestimating the power of the sun.
I ran some errands at lunch and decided to buy a nice bottle of red wine for dinner. We are not permitted to bring alcohol into the building where I work, so I left it in the bag on the rear seat. It was sunny today, but not very warm (12°C) so I figured it would be fine. Nope.
Walked up to the car after work and before I even opened the door I could see a huge reddish mess on the seat and floor.
I don't know if the sun just happened to hit it the right way or what, but the cork popped out right through the foil seal.
This is a rental car, white with a light grey interior. Can't wait to see how much this little bit of stupidity is going to cost me ... and I don't have any wine to go with my dinner :-(
[deleted]: If you ever have to leave something that could explode in the car, make sure to put it under the seat! I haven't had any problems doing that unless it got over about 90°F/32°C
hatefullyemployed: Thank you. Too late this time of course, but I will remember this tidbit of advice.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1400922181 | 1400935375 | t3_26d5xb | t5_2to41 | 6 | tossoff24: TIFU by not doing my job
So I work at a nursing home, and I'm supposed to do bed checks (checking to see if certain people need their brief changed) at 1, 3, and 5. There are some people that are wet every time, and there are some people that are hardly ever wet until later. Well, I was being lazy at 1 and decided that since one lady is never wet until 3 or 5, I wasn't going to check her until 3.
I walked into her room at 3 to find her laying on the floor, unable to reach her call light or yell loudly enough for us to hear her (though she wasn't yelling when I came in).
Turns out, she had been trying to walk even though she can't, so of course she fell. And I have no idea how long she'd been laying there; it could've been hours, since I didn't check her at 1. I feel absolutely horrible. Luckily, she's all right, but still.
I guess this is partly an "I screwed up," and partly a reminder: do your jobs, people. It's important.
Sijancha: Damn, good thing she is all right.
tossoff24: Ikr? Could've been so much worse . . . (not that that makes me feel much better).
| 3 | 2 | |
1400926413 | 1400940133 | t3_26d8lg | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by my dad showing me pictures on his phone
Bfcishard: People masturbate, what's the big deal?
coriacea: But why did my dad have a picture of that on his phone!?!?
Bfcishard: Maybe he had pics of your mother using it (I have several of my ex on my phone) or if he's a revenge kind of guy, pics of him using it on himself that he'll send her in a few months to piss her off/gross her out
coriacea: Well he wouldn't have pics from that time of her using it seeing as they weren't even sharing a bedroom anymore.
Bfcishard: Again, I have many pics of my ex, and we haven't been together for 6 months. Point being, maybe she sent them/he took them before they decided in divorce.
esearcher: Not the OP, but it seems like the OP is trying point out that they were already separated/sleeping in separate bedrooms and the drawer was from the nightstand in the room the mother was sleeping in at that point, so it was identifiably after they were no longer sharing a marital bed, or room. So the father would have had to go into the room the mother was now sleeping in, open the drawer and take the picture. Though another possibility is that the mother sent the father a pic of the dildo in the drawer to say "look how I've replaced you!"
| 7 | 1.142857 | |
1400933176 | 1400969432 | t3_26dd3w | t5_2to41 | 351 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting to wear a bra to a job interview
Background:I applied for a job in an office a few weeks ago,Yesterday I got a reply saying I had to come in for an interview today at 11am. Long story short I woke up late (10am) and hurried out the door in order to get there because of traffic.I realised just as i getting out of my car that my boobs were moving up and down. I had no time to change and i did the interview with my nipples showing.
TIFU by not wearing a bra to an interview
**Edit:** My picture [Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/R5lCJgW.jpg)
**Update:** I got the job. I start next week
happyimher: how can you forget a bra? i never have done such a thing. was it a man who interviewed you though?
inflammablepenguin: I'm a man and I've forgotten my underwear on rare occasions. Usually, I forget deodorant, my tie, belt, or some other item. Sometimes you just brain fart.
KennyFulgencio: > I'm a man and I've forgotten my underwear on rare occasions.
[Did your interview look like this?](http://i.imgur.com/11q3RxC.gif) (NSFW: awkward boner)
[deleted]: NSFW, please.
JDSDaGR81: It said the term "man who forgot underwear" and had a picture link... Did you really need a NSFW tag?
[deleted]: There are some people who have RES which can make GIF's load automatically. It could have also been a GIF of an awkward interview, or something.
| 7 | 50.142857 | |
1400938601 | 1400943564 | t3_26dhwg | t5_2to41 | 5 | TIFUfoot: TIFU by trying to take pictures of my female coworker's bare feet and she caught me
GirlGargoyle: You creepy, creepy motherfucker. Hope you get noticed again and fired over it.
TIFUfoot: Fuck you, I'm within my rights.
esearcher: which rights?
poohspiglet: His right to be a creepy mfo.
| 5 | 1 | |
1400942275 | 1401016758 | t3_26dltv | t5_2to41 | 329 | imnotmiself: TIFU by believing a girl on craiglist was real.
So I was a little drunk and horny last night, and whilst playing xbox, I remembered how every porn sight has that add which proclaims "craiglist is dead! Fuck [whatever the fuck it is you are looking for] right now!" This, along with alcohol mind you, sounded like a real challenge so I thought I'd browse craiglist to find me some quick action. I soon found a girl who seemed like someone I might want my dick in--the first post I clicked--and I messaged her. We started emailing and she is sending all kinds of dirty pics and she wants me to come over, but first I have to make an account on some website so that I can prove to her that I am not a felon. Once I proved I was the good person I was, the website would give me her number. There was just one problem: the website wanted my credit card info to do the background check. Of course I put it in immediately, clicked OK, and then tried to get this cutie's digits. The sight wouldn't let me! Of course i knew what this meant and checked my bank account. They had taken almost $40 out when I looked so I immediately shut my card down thanks to the help of a kind Indian man.
Tl; Dr: Craigslist really is dead, only to be used for phone quality porn pics.
NothingISayIsReal: I....don't get how you thought any of what happened was legit. It's like you had your first day on the internet and just threw common sense out the window. "HOT SINGLES IN MY AREA? FUCK YEA." It's good that you closed the card, but I can't imagine going through every step of that thinking "Getting closer to that pussssy." Funny as hell, though.
imnotmiself: It was just one of those nights. I was drunk and thought I was being careful, but I went full retard and fucked up.
NothingISayIsReal: Yeah, it's good that they only took $40 out and not much else! Still hilarious though. Hopefully they didn't do anything else with the info you gave them
imnotmiself: So far it looks like it was just the $40. Sadly I can only he that money back if I file a stolen credit card claim and talk to police and my credit union. This is all so embarrassing that I don't find it worth the effort for so little money.
fookinat: Heh, I'm the opposite of you. One time I subscribed to a porn site for $5 only to find it didn't actually give you access to more porn. I immediately called my credit union and disputed the charge. I told the lady straight up, "I paid five bucks for porn and they didn't give me any porn" and they got me my $5 back.
[deleted]: First Day On the Internet Kid.
| 7 | 47 | |
1400942243 | 1400960886 | t3_26dlsj | t5_2to41 | 1,871 | BikerJedi: TIFU by shutting down an entire airline in 1997.
While in college, pursuing a degree in Information Systems, I got a job at now defunct Western Pacific airlines. It was basically a paid internship to do all sorts of computer related stuff. They were a small airline based in Colorado Springs, CO, and then later in Denver. They attempted to take over Frontier airlines and went bankrupt in 1998.
One day before I left work, my boss gives me several long Ethernet cables and tells me "Go patch in the new modems into the computer network." So I head down to the data room.
Now, I think it is important that you know that I had only been in a real data room twice before, and I had never worked in one. For those that don't know, they have raised floors so you can run cables under the floor tiles, lots and lots of racks of computer equipment, tons of AC to keep it all cool, etc.
Anyway, I walk in, find the modem bank, find several modems that have no cables attached. I look at the ones that are wired in, follow the cables, figure out where they are plugged into, and wire up the new modems just like those. Then I replace the floor tiles I pulled up and head home for the day.
The next day I come in to work after class is out and my badge doesn't work. The guard tells me to wait. A minute later my boss and two security guards show up and escort me to the CEO's office. Inside the office, besides the CEO, are the CIO, CFO, my boss and the two bosses above him. They start questioning me.
What did I do yesterday at the end of the day? Did I get the modems working? Did I remove floor tiles? Did I notice anything out of the ordinary? Long story short, I had somehow kicked loose the power cable for the main pyramid server that ran the airline. So for 45 minutes, WestPac could do nothing. They couldn't sell tickets, make reservations, board planes, take off, etc. Nothing. I was told I cost the airline somewhere near $200,000. I don't know if that is accurate or not. Eventually someone noticed that the server had no power and plugged it back in.
I didn't lose my job over that. They all had a good laugh, and admonished me to be more careful in the future. I suggested that they find a way to lock the cable down, but they rejected that idea.
delpaint: I bet you felt powerless.
Caststarman: But fear surged right through him.
diamondeyes18: At least the event wasn't current.
xxrdawgxx: There didn't seem to be a lot of resistance from management, despite OP thinking "Ohm my god, I'm going to be fired"
spartan1234: I am shocked by this chain of puns
diamondeyes18: As an electrical engineer, seeing jokes like these positively amps me up! :D
UrsaPater: I don't see watt the big deal is.
diamondeyes18: If you don't see watt's up, then there must be some sort of impedance blocking you.
CuntyMcshitballs: Who are you? Sherlock ohms?
diamondeyes18: I'm an EE, but all of us here are just going through a phasor.
CuntyMcshitballs: Not a pun but check out photonicinduction on YouTube he's brilliant.
Dustorn: Ohm you!
balrogath: Stop, it hertz
| 14 | 133.642857 | |
1400945820 | 1401033288 | t3_26dq2f | t5_2to41 | 107 | rocklegende: TIFU by accidently kissing my GF's mother
So, a year ago i really fucked up. I was 17 and lived in Berlin at that time. My girlfriend was 16 and lived alone with her mom, because her father left her when she was born.
In the summer her mom invited me to stay 3 weeks with them at their "second home" 400 miles away. It was a really beautiful vacation: fantastic weather, good food and lots of sex.
However one night we all relaxed infront of the TV and watched some silly movies. After a while my GF and I were bored and tired and decided to go upstairs in our bedroom. Her mother however stayed in front of the TV, because she can only fall asleep when the TV is on. A weird habit I know, but i share it with her.
Well the point i fucked up was the next morning. My girlfriend got up very early, but i didnt care and slept for another hour or so. I eventually woke up and went downstairs. The TV was still on and it sounded like nickelodeon or something. I was pretty sure it was my GF lying infront of the TV, although the room was really dark and I wasnt wearing my glasses so everything was a bit blurry. But her mother wouldnt watch these programs. The problem is, that she and her mom look very similar. Not really thinking about it I went to her mom, who was actually lying there and started to kiss her on the mouth. When i opened my eyes I instantly regretted it and ran away in shame. She didnt really notice, because she was still half-sleeping.
After my GF came out of the shower, were she actually went this morning, she was very confused and I couldnt tell her for about 10 minutes. Then her mother finally woke up, and my GF explained what happened. Her mother never laughed so hard in her life and thought it was hilarious, while i slowly walked out of the house to go for a run and forget it about it. But it still haunts me today.
Sorry about wrong grammar or something like that, im not a native speaker as you may have noticed already.
VexonCross: You snuck one in with your girlfriend's mom and neither of them care? This, my friend, is not a fuck-up.
Lothar_Ecklord: Dear Diary,
Jackpot.
| 3 | 35.666667 | |
1400949682 | 1400992133 | t3_26duz7 | t5_2to41 | 53 | scoopinpoo: TIFU by shitting in a public toilet.
TIFU- this was around 1 AM, so still technically today, right?
So I was out with a couple friends last night, just relaxing and having a good time, when I suddenly have that urgent feeling in my lower stomach. I head off to the bar's bathroom, which is a single stall, and notice that there's a bit of someone else's pee and some toilet paper at the bottom. Whatever, I think, someone probably just sucks at flushing.
So I do my thing, get up to flush, and-- well what do you know, it was clogged after all. So now this toilet is almost entirely full with a solution of mine and some other random person's piss, with a couple of my turds floating on top. I think it was about this time that I heard someone try to come into the bathroom.
Knowing that there was someone waiting outside, I couldn't bring myself to just walk out leaving a full toilet with logs that were obviously mine rolling around at the top. I quickly glanced around, looking for a plunger, and found nothing. So I did what any reasonable person would do...
I grabbed a few towels, took a deep breath, and plunged my hand into the toilet. Turns out, turds run away from you. It took a few tries and longer than I would have liked, but I managed to get all the pieces out and shoved them toward the bottom of the trash can, with plenty of random paper towels and god knows what else hiding them from view.
I washed my hands with a shitton of soap and left, warning the next girl in line that the toilet was clogged and she should probably use the men's. I'm pretty sure she went into the women's anyway. Whoops.
TL;DR Took a shit in a clogged toilet, had my hand in both mine and someone else's piss scooping poo out with paper towels.
strawberrycircus: Why is there so much poop on reddit?
isoceans: Why is there so much poop on /r/tifu you mean? Reset the counter!
| 3 | 17.666667 | |
1400951638 | 1400970137 | t3_26dxk7 | t5_2to41 | 441 | Macabre68: TIFU by scaring my friend to death right after his grandmother died.
I pull up in front of my friends house and I see his sixteen year old nephew standing in his back yard. He is facing away from me looking toward the alley. I decide to sneak down the side of the house and then behind a few different tree's until I have to creep the last 10 yards to get to him. Right as I get to him he starts to turn around, I scream and grab him with the ferocity of a bear! He jumps and pulls that face that let's me know I nailed it! Quickly though I notice that he is crying. I say "Damn dude, I got you good but not that good." To which he replies, "No, my grandma just died upstairs and I'm waiting on the ambulance to get here."
I have never felt so small in my life. To his credit, he then gave a slight chuckle and said "that's actually kinda funny." I left, quickly.
IfDogsCouldTalk: You should have said, *"I know she died. I practiced on her first."*
GIRATINAGX: **Dude**
Haerdune: **Not**
[deleted]: **Funny**
Haerdune: **At**
| 6 | 73.5 | |
1400952515 | 1400992732 | t3_26dyqh | t5_2to41 | 62 | Pake1000: TIFU by burping after taking medication in a capsule pill.
I have been fighting an ear infection for about a week now and was prescribed amoxicillin in a two piece capsule form. Around 20 minutes ago I took 2 pills as recommended and about 10 minutes ago I needed to burp.
Horrible idea. The pill shell had already dissolved, but the powder inside was still dry. The burp forced the powder up and out, coating the inside of my mouth with a horrible, dry taste and the rest came out as a cloud onto my computer monitor. Gagging and lots of water followed.
RepRap3d: Oh dear god amoxicillin in your mouth.. That stuff tastes like pure horror to me.
jbanks9251: It makes me burp too and it taste like I ate a fart
| 3 | 20.666667 | |
1400953437 | 1401007008 | t3_26dzxi | t5_2to41 | 53 | CertifiedNutso: TIFU and my boyfriend almost got arrested
So, on April 1st of this year, my current boyfriend came out to see me. He lived about an hour away at the time and would make the trip every weekend it seemed to see me. I told him to meet me at a park near some Dairy Queen about 15 minutes from my house walking. He had gotten there about 5 minutes before I did so I told him to just sit out and wait considering it was a nice spring night. Told him I'd be there in 10.
I'm about 5 minutes away now after making several stops to talk on the phone with my mother making sure she was ok at work, something I always do, thus making me a liar because it had been now more than 10 minutes since I sent that message to him.
*phone rings* I look down and its a text from him saying "get here ASAP, cops are here and want to know why I am." I being the cautious person I am thought it was an April fools joke. It just didn't make sense to me, and he likes to joke about stupid stuff all the time so to me it made sense that it was a joke.
I get to the Dairy Queen and see two cop cars, Adam (my boyfriend) leaning against his truck looking rather scared and nervous, and some guy in the distance standing on his porch holding a gun, couldn't tell what kind. They cops asked me if I knew him and if I was here on my own free will and wasn't being paid or anything like that. I said "no I told him to meet me here because my parents aren't home and its a nice night to I thought we could walk around and talk." the one cop was nice about it and said "well next time meet it a public place."
After they left I looked at him and was like "WTF happened?" he explained that he was just sitting in the bed of his truck and some man walked up holding a gun in his face saying "Don't fucking move the cops are on their way." I wasn't sure how to react thinking that he could've gotten hurt because I took too long.
tl;dr: Basically I fucked up by taking too long and while Adam was sitting in the bed of his truck and some man came outside thinking he was attempting some sort of robbery and pulled a gun on him and the cops weren't having it until he had proof I was a real person.
CatastropheJohn: Your country is fucking weird. Here, the old man with the gun would have been jailed, and rightly so.
Mundius: Well, in some states and some situations, the guy could've gotten shot and the old man with the gun would be thought of as a hero. All legally.
Probably Florida.
Timetravelr: No. That is wrong. You can't walk up to a non-threatening person sitting in his truck in the public park and shoot him. stand your ground doesn't work like that.
Ent_Guevera: But if nobody sees it...and it's a Florida jury...
edit, for anyone who needs quality pasta:
>Tell you what. You brag about all the pussy you want. I will just work my ass off and become way more successful than you will ever be. Hey, look on the bright side, I may become your boss someday. But in the meantime I think I can handle beating you at internet arguments and pretty everything else at life; which isn't saying much seeings how you probably live in the hood and work at a fast food shop if you even work at all.
http://www.reddit.com/r/AdviceAnimals/comments/268e5h/this_week_on_tales_of_social_anxiety/chqkttr
Timetravelr: Wow. people are still on this? The man had every right to approach that kid and ask him what he was doing. As far as who attacked who first the jury seemed to think that Trayvon attacked Zimmerman. Keep in mind that Trayvon was NOT [this](http://www.texasgopvote.com/sites/default/files/Trayvon%20Martin%20media%20bias.jpg) small young kid. That photo was taken years before his death. he was [this](http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-RkD5z7HyLUM/T4VSsO5iU7I/AAAAAAAAE_o/4icx1dv4JYc/s1600/trayvon-twitter-acct1.jpg) 5'11", 158 pounds gangster.
Ent_Guevera: Whoa, straight to Zimmerman huh? I said nothing about it. Casey Anthony gets no credit? Never been to /r/floridaman ?
Stereotyping now though? A "gangster" who was going to murder a complete stranger on his way home because he's black and wore a hoodie? What gang was he in?
Since we are stereotyping- how about wife-beating wannabe cop Zimmerman who had a history of violence, a grown man who had the balls to go and confront someone for a fight when he was carrying his pistol and ended up getting bodied. He put himself in a situation where someone had to die because he, like you, thinks it's acceptable to stereotype people and "exercise your rights" by harassing them.
By the way, the difference in those pictures is minimal. Look at his scrawny arms and shoulders. Trayvon wasn't even done growing while Zimmerman had man strength and his trusty manhood extension.
>exercising rights
If it's a public park, you have no right to hold someone at gunpoint for sitting on their truck. That's actually assault with a deadly weapon if done aggressively.
Timetravelr: Pretty clear reference to Zimmerman and pretty clear HE is who you wanted to talk about.
______________________________________________________
I never said murder, and that isn't what Zimmerman was thinking when he approached Martin anyways. Now who is jumping to conclusions?
______________________________________________________
I said gangster because of the guns and tattoos he has as seen in other pictures. Not to mention HIS pot smoking, graffiti writing criminal past
______________________________________________________
Zimmerman had every right to confront Trayvon. His neighborhood has a history of break ins matching the description of Trayvon.
______________________________________________________
At least somebody has the balls to stand-up to people who look suspicious.
______________________________________________________
Look at how fucking tall Trayvon is. I don't know about you but when somebody is taller than me in an altercation it puts them at an advantage.
______________________________________________________
It's not harassment, it was a few simple questions
______________________________________________________
He has every right to hold somebody at gunpoint if that somebody attacked him first and he fears for his life.
______________________________________________________
He wasn't sitting in his truck he was walking.
______________________________________________________
Your logic is flawed and many of the things you say as "fact" are wrong. Please do some research **before** starting an argument that you can not win.
Ent_Guevera: >clearly HE is who you wanted to talk about
How? Because I know about it? Why did you capitalize "he"? Is he your God?
>gangster because guns and tattoos
I think guns, tattoos, plus beating your wife and patrolling your neighborhood confronting people is far more gangster. Zimmerman is a straight up OG by your gangster standards (except not black).
>never said murder
Zimmerman got off because he was supposedly in fear of his life (in a fight that he caused).
>look how tall he is
Zimmerman is a pussy and so are all of his supporters. He couldn't as a grown man beat a teenager in a fight so he had to resort to his gun, in a situation he chose to insert himself into. He is a negligent scumbag at best and a complete fucking loser.
>gangster
You also have problems with black people apparently so Trayvon is easy to demonize.
http://www.reddit.com/r/AdviceAnimals/comments/268q1m/hes_the_hero_reddit_needs/chp146y
>wasnt sitting in the truck
I know you're a Fox News watching teenager but try to follow along. OP's story has a guy sitting in his truck on a public street being held at gunpoint. Stop pretending you know things outside of what Fox News tells you when you can't even follow along with what I'm saying.
>Yep. I figured that, but Still, when in an argument I can never voice my opinion on how fucked up the black community is without sounding racist until now.
/u/timetravelr
Timetravelr: Yes, patrolling your neighborhood for criminals that break into people's houses at night is completely gangster. Nothing says gangster more than helping those around you protect their property. Oh wait, that would actually make them a good person, not a gangster or anything else other than a kind, caring, considerate neighbor.
______________________________________________________
Zimmerman is smart enough to realize when he can't win a fist fight. I don't know about you but when I fear for my life I will do anything it takes to win even if it's pulling out a gun and killing the other guy.
______________________________________________________
Yes. I just agreed with a guy who says "I don't hate black people, I think their culture is wrong and it's all their fault". Which it is. When 12 percent of the population makes up 35 percent of the prison population there is something seriously fucked up.
______________________________________________________
Sorry I have trouble following along as you randomly switch from story to story. when you randomly and without warning switch topics at the end of a comment entirely focused on Zimmerman.
______________________________________________________
I bet you like to attack other posts of mine. Only because you have nothing else to say. Message back when you can stay on topic and can refrain from trying to attack me as a person. Everybody has flaws and I just so happen to be awkward around the opposite sex. That doesn't make me a bad person, that doesn't make me dumb or stupid.
Ent_Guevera: >something is wrong with the black community and their culture and it's all their fault
If that's something you think then it's no surprise you're in high school. You have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. There is no singular black community. There is no singular "black culture" and whatever it is you believe you are referring to was not at all created solely by black people free from other pressures.
You are just regurgitating the views of the conservative bigots you get your information from. No wonder you're an awkward virgin you loser.
Timetravelr: again with the personal attacks coming from the guy in "da hood". Tell you what, grow up, get a job, be successful and then maybe, JUST MAYBE those comments will sting. But the way I see it, I already have a job, I already have most of an education (which is probably more than what you can boast) and I will be going to collage next year without government aid which I'm sure you are on just by your comments. have a crumby life in "da hood" I hope you don't get shot tomorrow. good bye.
Ent_Guevera: Pretty big hopes for a shitty programmer. I almost feel bad picking on the little virgin kid. Almost. Back to my amazing and already successful life. Enjoy high school, queer. Try not to be so awkward.
>college, no aid
So you are taking private loans, or mommy and daddy are paying? Are you really boasting about being a privileged white high schooler with zero personal accomplishments? This is classic.
| 13 | 4.076923 | |
1400957936 | 1400984966 | t3_26e62t | t5_2to41 | 23 | leggystretchysketchy: TIFU by letting my toddler play with my wedding band
He had my wedding band on his finger and did that excited, waving hands thing that toddlers do. The ring flew up behind him and landed right at the edge of where the rear windshield meets the flat part behind the back seats. I went in verrrrrrry carefully to try to move it without jamming it further into the angle. Instead I pushed it right under the felt lining.
Due to the location of airbags, etc., in that area of the car, it looks like the only way to retrieve it is to completely disassemble the back seat.
ETA: I proved everyone wrong and got it back using a hook made out of a wire coat hanger.
_Max_e_Pad_: Why would your fricking toddler have your wedding band. Thats the Mess up right there
leggystretchysketchy: Uh, yeah... that's why I posted it in TIFU.
mrb11n: Which is why I'm surprised you are getting downvoted because thats exactly what this subreddit is about. Happy Cakeday!
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1400951139 | 1400964966 | t3_26dwvt | t5_2to41 | 14 | kiksmcgeeks: TIFU by trying to make lunch
This didn't happen today but rather a couple months ago. For context: I go to University in the same city that I live and commute back and forth by car. Also it's in Canada.
So my day starts off like any other. I go to class for a couple hours and then I have a three hour break until my next class. The semester had just started so I didn't have a ton of studying to do so instead of buying lunch I said "fuck it" and went home to make lunch. I'm a vegetarian and I had a few veggie burgers and buns in the freezer so I decided to fry a couple up. The burgers come in packs of two and you have to pry them apart. I put a bit of olive oil in a frying pan and put it on the element on my stove to heat up a bit while I pry the burgers apart. Well the burgers aren't coming apart so easily so I grab the knife I had been using to cut some veggies and try to pry them apart with it. No luck. I'm now almost wrestling with the knife and the burgers when suddenly the knife slips straight between the burgers and plunged right in the left palm. Now this wasn't a normal kitchen knife, it was a filleting knife, slim and sharp. It slipped right into my palm. Deep. I promptly started bleeding everywhere. On the burgers, on the element, in the frying pan, all over the oven, sink and floor. It looked like a horror movie. I run over the sink and start to rinse the cut out, hoping the bleeding will stop. It doesn't. So I go and grab our first aid kit and pull out a compression pad and some bandages. I got it all bound up and cleaned on the kitchen table. I turn around to survey the damage to the kitchen when I see the smoke and flames coming out of the frying pan that I had left on the hot element! I run back over to the stove and start frantically searching for a pot lid to throw on top of the flames. In the mess and confusion my bandages come undone and I start bleeding everywhere again. I slam a lid on the pan and run it outside and bury it in snow. I come back inside only to realize that my class was starting in half and hour and I had to go. So I bandaged myself up again and took off, leaving my kitchen looking like a crime scene.
After my class is done I get a call from my mum in a panic as she had walked in on what probably looked like a murder scene. Blood smeared on the counters and cupboards, bloodied gauze lying around, veggie burgers covered in blood, and a haze of smoke which had spread to the rest of the house. I assure her that I am fine and that I will go to the hospital. Four and a half hours in a waiting room later and I'm told that my wound has been open too long to stitch up so they're gonna glue it shut and send me on my way, after getting lectured by the doctor on knife safety. Also I totally forgot that the frying pan was buried in the snow for like two days after this happened.
tl;dr: I stabbed myself in the hand, bled everywhere, and nearly set my house on fire.
Scottstoiletpaper: What the fuck is an element?
kiksmcgeeks: The hot thing on the stove that you put pots and frying pans on.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1400958747 | 1400992965 | t3_26e772 | t5_2to41 | 1,287 | clowngoo: TIFU by throwing a newborn puppy on the tile floor as hard as I could
So this is from a few years ago. I used to work at an animal hospital and would frequently observe and help out with surgeries. So that day the vet is delivering a litter of lab puppies via C-section, the procedure is that when she pulls a puppy out she throws it to the nearest tech who then pops it sack, clears its nose, dries it, and ties it off. While clearing their noses, we frequently sling the puppies downward with both hands to try and move some of the mucous out. Usually its perfectly safe since the puppy is in the towel. This time, however, im slinging the puppy AS HARD AS I CAN towards the ground, when it slips and i hear the most sickening thud/splat iv ever heard. The room immediately goes silent as i pick it up to check on it. Luckily the vet said they are very flexible and actually pretty resilient since they have more cartilage than bone. I dont know what happened to the dog, although it was definitely knocked out when i checked on it :( I have never felt such a sickening feeling in my stomach before.
TL;DR-Helping deliver puppies, turn one retarded
strawberrycircus: I bet this happens with human babies all the time. Doctors of reddit, confirm?
kid-karma: babies have had their *heads pulled off* while being delivered
*heads pulled off*
*heads pulled off*
*heads pulled off*
*heads pulled off*
*heads pulled off*
*heads pulled off*
PandaJesus: I desperately need to believe you're lying, so I'm going to believe so and ignore all replies this comment may get.
beninblack96: Sorry.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2216497/Doctors-decapitated-baby-birth-tried-hide-parents-dead-infant-delivered-C-section.html
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/doctors-rip-off-head-of-baby-during-839613
VoodooPygmy: "A Missouri couple have filed a lawsuit against a pair of obstetricians, accusing them of decapitating their baby during his 2011 delivery and then trying to hide it by shoving the child’s body and severed head back into the birth canal."
8-(
RenaKunisaki: I officially do not even.
tinkatiza: I literally cannot even.
SuperBattleFranky37: My ability toucan has achieved orbit.
Ponox: Current ability toucan status: Highly elliptical solar orbit.
tmotom: My ability toucan has left the solar system several times.
| 11 | 117 | |
1400964824 | 1401368003 | t3_26ef3u | t5_2to41 | 21 | SuperSniperGuy: TIFU by wearing sunglasses while mountainbiking in the park
I always wear sunglasses while mountainbiking to shield my eyes from the sun, rain, mud, sand and dust. Today I learned the hard way that you shouldn't do so in a forest like area.
While doing my regular 30 km (18.64 miles) training wich I do every day of the weekend I came across people preparing some kind of parcours for runners. They placed some barriers and signs telling people wich way to run. Some of those barriers were a little in my way but I could always get around them without losing my pace so I thought nothing much of the barriers and proceeded to do my training.
My second round riding my own parcours I came around a corner at about 30 km/hour (18.64 miles per hour) as I always do only to find out that they'd hung up barrier tape between two trees. When my mind told my hands to brake I was only inches away from the tape and I crashed at full speed wich resulted I'm both me and my bike hanging from the tape with only my feet leaning on the ground.
My left arm hurt like a bitch and I felt like someone punched my in the stomach. It took me a while to figure out why I hadn't seen the tape and I felt so stupid when it finally came to me. I took off the glasses, walked back to the spot where I looked into the corner before turning and I could clearly see the tape. My shades faded out the red and white because the trees cast their shadow over them.
I felt horribly stupid and still do. I feel like I could have broken my neck if the tape was fixed a little higher. So don't make my mistake! Wear bikers glasses, not regular shades!
Tl;Dr: I crashed into barrier tape at 30 km/hour (18.64 miles per hour)
onelycyclist: I wear copper tinted glasses on the go. They don't block anywhere near as much light as shades would, and they seem to improve contrast in the green. Good for all weather. The tint also makes the world seem less pale and boring... :-)
SuperSniperGuy: Thank you for the tip! I'll look into it! Any specific brand?
onelycyclist: I've got this kit from ESS, although I am a little hesitant to recommend the company after having piss poor experience with them.
http://www.esseyepro.com/Suppressor-2X-Kit-Clear-Copper-and-Gray_286_detail.html
It was late October when I ordered the kit plus two sets of prescription inserts. The site said it would take up to two weeks for them to process the prescription portion -- no problem with that. I got a parcel in early November but the prescription lenses were missing and the box contained the most confusing set of invoices and shipment content listings... they seemed to imply that the prescription part has been shipped and I expected them to be in the box so I mailed customer service. They responded saying the prescription portion will be shipped separately and that it'll take 2-4 weeks. Ok, that's longer than I was promised but I'm patient (although I was getting really serious headache from the protective eyewear I was wearing for welding practice at the time).
A couple weeks later I started to get worried and again I sent them mail asking for an update since it'd been five weeks since I placed my order. I never got a reply.
Around the sixth week I went through their website and noticed some terms had changed; for example, now they required you to fax or mail a copy of your prescription (previously it was ok to enter the details by hand); I also noticed that their web order details thingy now says that to complete your order, you need to upload them a copy of the prescription... so what the fuck, had my order been stuck at a standstill because they suddenly started requiring you to upload shit, and they hadn't notified me? So I uploaded the prescription not once but twice.. the page kept saying I need to upload it to complete my order. I sent them mail again. I never got a fucking reply.
At seven weeks (second half of December) I was rather pissed off already and sent them one more mail asking for an update. I also noticed their FAQ had been updated to say they only serve prescription lenses to US & Canada.. and yes I checked with the wayback machine; it was different when I had placed my order.
I never got a fucking reply. At this point I pretty much gave up and expected never to receive my stuff from them.
I don't remember the date for sure but I think it was a week or two into January when a little parcel turned up at my mailbox and I got the lenses.
I'm not buying from them again, that's for sure.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1400964848 | 1400992635 | t3_26ef4z | t5_2to41 | 33 | throw4wayact: TIFU by having a spank sesh while connected to my work network through VPN
title says it all. had some work to do in the morning and when i was done i exited remote desktop but left my VPN on and had some healthy "me time" and about an hour later realized I visited all those sites through my work network.
covertops85: ...did anything come of it?
throw4wayact: I don't know.. this just happened and I'm worried about it. I don't even know what to do right now. I was using chrome incognito but I'm so sure my site traffic was flowing through the VPN. Is this something people lose their jobs over?
covertops85: Incognito mode just means it doesn't drop cookies on your machine. The traffic is absolutely still linked to you. I'm not sure where you work, but where I do, they don't go searching through traffic on a regular basis. Only if there was an incident- eg if someone was downloading music and the RIAA contacted them, etc.
Also, missed the pun. ;-)
throw4wayact: haha no i sure didn't and lold. Any way I can find out if this is something somebody saw?
thatlazydude: Not without making it obvious to someone that you were watching porn at work.
Alway2535: Remote desktop + VPN suggests telecommuting, so it probably wasn't at work, per say.
| 7 | 4.714286 | |
1400971489 | 1401069356 | t3_26enk5 | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by wearing short sleeves to work.
Alright, backstory.
I have a lot of severe scarring on the majority of my body. I got into a motorcycle accident about a year ago and my skin scars very badly. So, even the smallest road rash turns into a giant-ass keloid.
Normally, I never wear short sleeves to work, since I work with children and I don't want to scare them. But this one time, I was going to be working with older kids and it was really fucking hot out. So, I wore short sleeves.
The day was going well, kids were great and my coworkers were chill. The end of the work day comes around and I pack up to go home. No worries, no comments about my scars, all was well.
I return to my home when suddenly I get a call from my boss. He wants me to come into work to discuss something. I couldn't imagine what he wanted to talk about, but I said sure. I mean, he's my boss.
I go into his office the next day and sit down. He starts by asking if I'm okay. I told him I was quite fine and asked what he wanted to talk to me about.
Turns out, a parent had called in an absolute panic, saying I had willingly cut myself in front of the children and that's why my arms were scarred.
I didn't share that I had gotten in an accident with my boss, since I am very self-conscious about my scars, so he assumed that I was cutting myself.
Oh god.
I explained what actually happened, turning as red as a beet the entire time, and he kind of chuckled and apologized for assuming.
TL;DR: Wore short sleeves to work. Crazy lady accused me of cutting myself and traumatizing her children.
[deleted]: This was not on you, dude. This kind of behaviour by your ~~boss~~ and the parent is completely unacceptable and you should file some sort of complaint.
[deleted]: Not sure what exactly his boss did wrong. He had to do something after what the parent said. It's not like he fired him or anything. This just caused an awkward situation. If he hadn't done anything it could have been a lot worse (not in this case, but in general).
[deleted]: > Not sure what exactly his boss did wrong.
Yeah, you are right. I read through that quickly and misread the part about the boss.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1400974079 | 1400986184 | t3_26eqp0 | t5_2to41 | 70 | haydenkristal: TIFU by breaking my finger in an egg beater while making empanadas. Bonus! I am testing to become a sign language interpreter next Tuesday!
This actually happened about 2 weeks ago but I just found this sub and it is still a fuck up of enormous proportions. I am Deaf myself and rely on ASL in my day-to-day life, but I am an excellent lipreader and have some residual hearing in my left ear so I thought I could make some extra money as a low level interpreter.
In order to become a sign language interpreter, you have to pass a written test and a performance test. The written test is first, and if you pass that you can move on the the actual interpreting test. I was up late the night before my written test, freaking out and generally working myself up into an anxious frenzy because that is how my stupid brain likes to operate. I love to cook, so I thought, fuck it, I'll try a new recipe for empanadas I found online and then stress-eat myself into a restful food coma. The first step is to make the dough, and the recipe gave me the option of either using a food processor or kneading the dough by hand. My food processor was too small for all the ingredients and I didn't want to knead it by hand because I am lazy, so I thought oh great, I'll use this electric hand mixer my mother bought for me because she thinks I am an adult man capable of using small household appliances without causing myself significant bodily harm. Like the absolute fucking trash I am, I plugged the whole thing in first. I know that I'm a god-tier idiot. I wasn't even thinking about it because hurr durr durr it was turned off so how could I possibly get hurt? I plugged the first beater in no problem. Confidence up, I went to plug the second beater in but it wouldn't go, so I jiggled it a little bit and knocked the mixer out of my hand. My mom paid like $30 for that thing and we're Jewish so I was NOT going to let it fall and break, so I caught it kind of with my elbow and accidentally flicked the little switch. My middle finger on my right hand (my dominant hand in ASL) got caught in between the beaters and got lightly whipped for 10-15 seconds on a medium speed, breaking it at the middle knuckle. I have been trying to sign with it against doctor's orders but it is so swollen every sign I make looks like I'm flipping people off. My test is on Tuesday and while some of the swelling has gone down, it is still painful to sign and won't be fully healed for another month-ish.
Oh, and I did finish those empanadas, but I had to do them one handed and they came out ugly as sin. Talk about adding insult to injury.
TL;DR: I am too stupid to be deaf.
milkymoocowmoo: Damn, never woulda thought those beaters are powerful enough to snap a finger o_o
haydenkristal: You know, it was never something I had really pondered until it was too late.
theman94: Drink some milk bro.
| 4 | 17.5 | |
1400977082 | 1401000501 | t3_26euba | t5_2to41 | 22 | ericb4prezident: TIFU on my first day as a server
This actually happened about 7 years ago on my first day as a server by myself.
I was completely new to serving and knew nothing except for the couple days of training I had received. I was very nervous and felt like I could do nothing right. I was always behind and a few tables did not seem pleased with my performance.
I got set with a new table that seemed fairly cordial. It was a middle aged couple and the woman told me that she had served when she was younger. They were extremely nice and it really cheered me up. I felt like I didn't have to be nervous around them and that I could be myself.
I joked with them that I knew nothing about what I was doing. I then made a small mistake which the lady was kind enough to point out.
I replied, "I'm sorry, I have just been so retarded today." (I don't know why I used this term because I never do)
There was a long silence...
The woman then replied, "I am a teacher for the mentally disabled."
I said nothing and just walked away. My day was finally turning around and I completely fucked it up
maddmrbean: Is it just me, or is this the most common faux pas on record? I'm probably about to get myself in trouble, but here's the definition:
*delay or hold back in terms of progress, development, or accomplishment*
*Sometimes* we genuinely feel like we are retarded. (Almost) every one of us. I do sometimes. OP does sometimes. You probably do. How does this fact detract from the dignified existence of people who are *actually* diagnosed with mental retardation? Just the fact that we aren't doesn't mean that we can't feel, at times, like we are.
TL;DR TIFU by posting on Reddit that I don't think calling yourself a retard is a completely horrible thing.
kmofosho: I'ts all about the connotation. The word is not offensive by nature, but it has been used as a derogatory term for so long that it has become one. I agree that it shouldn't be considered an insult, but i would still never use the word in public around people i don't know. The internet is a different story.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1400985892 | 1402040049 | t3_26f15x | t5_2to41 | 1,987 | ididntmeantodothat: Nope.. never again. I just figured out what he meant by counter.. MY counter can stay at one.. reddit can do what the fuck it wants.
Mmm_Booze: well you could do that, OR, you could orchestrate the worst possible practical joke of all time. See if you can arrange a second "meeting" with the same conditions and casually leave your wallet behind.
ididntmeantodothat: To be honest, I'm kinda just hoping to avoid my family for a few years and pray they get divorced soon.
ThellraAK: Why on earth would they say anything?
Yeah, you looked for anonymous sex on the internet, to a conservative family a bet pervey, tied up and fucked by an internet stranger while giving husband a blowjob? Yeah, they aren't going to say anything, they are going to be worried about you saying something if they realize what happened.
ididntmeantodothat: I think I'd rather avoid it, rather than have an awkward standoff.
os3000: Awkward standoff? Dude, you just went to the house of a stranger and bang the shit out of his wife, which happens to be your cousin, while her husband jerk off. I think all of you can handle the situation pretty well. If not, then that is just awkward.
GiveLoveNotHate: lol that really is the funniest part. These guys met face to face in one of the most degenerate situations imaginable and are now worried because it's a bit more degenerate than they originally planned on. It's just WTF from beginning to end.
[deleted]: I don't think the original situation was degenerate.
GiveLoveNotHate: Um.. you don't think blindfolding your wife and having a stranger you've never met and hardly corresponded with fuck her while you masturbate to it is degenerate?
You might want to talk to a professional about that.
[deleted]: Blindfolding my wife? HAVING a stranger fuck her? It's consensual. You're making it seem like the original husband was forcing his wife into it. I honestly have no problem with people living out sexual fantasies, so long as it's consensual, and no one gets hurt.
But thanks for the insulting remark.
GiveLoveNotHate: I don't care what people do either... but it's still degenerate behavior. That's not what people in healthy relationships that have healthy views on sex and marriage do. It's just not. It's deviancy. I'm sorry that insults you or offends you, but that's just the reality of the situation. If that's what you are into, cool... but it's just not healthy, it's risky and the deviancy of it is what people get off on. That's the entire point. When you understand the psychology of sex and all the chemicals being released and how it affects relationships, love and your overall psyche it's really obvious the negative impact it can have on lives... but most people don't understand and have no education on those things so they think it's ok and have a "whatever" mentality about it.
You will find nearly every serial killer, sexual predator, etc... have deep addictions to pornography and risky behaviors.
[deleted]: You've just restated your opinion over and over again. Seriously, read what you wrote. I'm not saying your opinion is wrong. It's a very subjective matter.
On the other hand, your attempt to tie people with abnormal fetishes to serial killers and sexual predators is very weak and unfounded.
GiveLoveNotHate: No, it's a fact. Sure, not everyone into those fetishes will end up being sexual predators or serial killers. But, nearly every serial killer, rapist, etc... are into weird porn and fetishes. If you are into those fetishes, the chances of you being or becoming one of those people is much greater. That's just the reality of it. In my opinion, those people have deep issues they need help with, and acting out those fetishes isn't helping them with those issues. In fact, it generally feeds those issues and makes it worse. You can find many things like this in psychology.
The prevalence of strippers/hookers without father figures. The presence of trauma in the childhood of many (if not most) homosexuals (I know that's unpopular, but again it's the truth). Until we admit that these things are often signs of deeper issues, these people will never get help and will live their lives running from their problems.
[deleted]: Obviously sexual predators have deviant sexual preferences. Kind of like, by definition, right? This is kind of a non-argument you're making with some unfounded opinions on the side.
GiveLoveNotHate: They develop the addictions to those things before they commit the crimes. Those things feed their passion and desensitize them to where they eventually need the real thing.
[deleted]: To be more specific, since I was pretty general there, take the case of serial killers. They are, from what I understand with my layman's knowledge here, people that are fucked up in a lot of comorbid ways (Antisocial disorders, borderlines, substance abuse disorders, other major personality type disorders). The fact that they are perverts is relevant to their crimes but since most people you would consider perverts are not messed up in all those other ways, they don't suddenly decide that going on a killing spree is a good plan. It's not a simple slippery slope to mass-murder.
GiveLoveNotHate: > but since most people you would consider perverts are not messed up in all those other ways
[citation needed]
> It's not a simple slippery slope to mass-murder.
If it's not a slippery slope, then you are implying there's no way you can help them before they get to that point. Which I vehemently disagree with.
[deleted]: On the first point, I don't think it would be hard to find the stats on the prevalence of the kinds of disorders I was talking about.
And with serial killers, I am not convinced there is helping them. The severity of the cluster of mental problems they exhibit is pretty clearly beyond help, which is why we execute them rather than rehabilitate them. But my suggestion is that it is NOT a slippery slope for others; I'm saying it's not fair to compare run-of-the-mill people with somewhat abnormal sexual preferences to groups of people who are completely crazy. People without major personality disorders will not get to that point, because only people with serious deep-rooted issues get to that point.
GiveLoveNotHate: > because only people with serious deep-rooted issues get to that point.
Everything you said here is wrong... but this quote is the most wrong. It's simply not true and humans all have breaking points to where they will snap in unpredictable ways. You can take a normal ordinary person and put them in really fucked up situations and they will end up with these mental disorders you seem to think people are born with. That, again, is just not the reality. Mental disorders are most often created by their surroundings and experiences and gradual decisions you make that lead to more decisions until you slide all the way down. This is why tweekers usually start out as completely normal, decent human beings. But while they are spun they start changing the function of their brain, same thing with people who strip, same thing with people who get into violent sex acts, same thing with people who get a tattoo and then end up covered head to toe. The problem is people excuse their own behavior by telling themselves these other people are sick and had a mental disorder. They don't realize that their decisions and actions can create those same disorders even without drugs. Look into all the government experiments done on this. Many of these people were perfectly normal kids. All it takes is them getting pissed off, rubbed the wrong way too many times, reading something that resonates with those feelings, and then shifting they way they think gradually down that slippery slope. This is how propaganda works, this is how advertising works, this is how relationships work. Everything. in. life. is. a. slippery. slope. period.
[deleted]: For every person who's gotten a tattoo and gotten 75 more, there are plenty who have gotten one and decided it was a mistake and moved on. Or people who have gotten wasted, realized that it wasn't worth it, and decided that they did not want to become alcoholics. It isn't as simple as saying that people making bad decisions just continue to make them. I think it depends a lot on the kind of person you are based on how you were raised. Not everyone faced with those opportunities to downward spiral actually initiates a downward spiral.
GiveLoveNotHate: I didn't say anything that disagrees with that. But, your example is a perfect example. [Your ratio should actually say for every 1 there are 2.33 who didn't get addicted to ink.](http://www.statisticbrain.com/tattoo-statistics/)
That's the ratio of people who get tattoos to people *addicted* to getting more. That's a pretty low ratio... because it's a fucking slippery slope. The pain releases endorphins, the social acceptance, the identity you get from the permanence is addictive and it's [rare people don't go back for more.](http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-24296713)
Now, that may not be their downward spiral, but it's a next step. Now who they begin to define themselves as a result of the tattoo is the next step down that slope. How many criminals do you know with tattoos? Pretty common right? How many girls do you know with tattoos that smoke or binge drink? Quite a lot right? How many girls do you know with tattoos that are a bit promiscuous, and how many of them seem exponentially more so the more covered they are in tattoos?
Reality isn't always what you want it to be, and I know it sucks to realize... but it's simply the truth, friend. Life is a slippery slope. No, not everyone will slide all the way down, but every little decision like this is another step closer to heading down a direction. If you are sliding down the slope of education, you are less likely to end up in crime, because it's unlikely you will have time to go do copious amounts of drugs, alcohol, getting random tattoos limiting your job prospects, sleeping around and hanging out with losers... that slope leads to success. Different slopes lead different ways. They all change who you are and how your brain functions with every decision you make, it's the nature of the brain.
[deleted]: I do hope you realize that my tone here has not been combative. This is, as I understand it, a collaborative discussion, not an argument. I am trying to see your point of view. Yes, all of these behaviors are related.
Give me a little credit. The tattoo ratio for people in the U.S. is pretty damn high. A cursory glance puts that at about 15% of people with one tattoo. I'm not saying your intuitions about this are wrong. I'm saying that being judgmental about what are, at best, warning signs might be somewhat fair, but it is not fair to link them to their possible worst outcomes with no evidence.
Sliding down the slope of education? That's an interesting line. My mother occasionally tells me that she's upset that she taught me so strongly to think for myself. I am a terrible cynic as a result. But that has also taught me that while I will take my precautions (all the things you mention) to heart, it's important to realize that there are gradations to all of these problems you're getting at. No, I am not going to ignore the warning signs. But I'm already cynical. I don't think it's constructive to be SO cynical that you always assume the failure of others when it's clear they are making poor choices. People make mistakes. It's our job, as friends and family, to steer them away from continuing to make the same ones repeatedly.
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