start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1401155530 | 1401178058 | t3_26kjkk | t5_2to41 | 9 | TheBeetusWithin: TIFU by missing an e-mail
I'm usually on top of all my college e-mails but if I'm making this post that probably means I messed up.
Turns out I missed an e-mail from one of my professors telling me that he needed a file or else I would receive a 0 for my final.
This was from 9 days ago.
I just saw it today and instantly had a panic attack. I had thought the original e-mail I had sent 2 weeks ago had went through but apparently it hadn't, probably because of my shitty internet that goes down every 10 minutes. I sent the file but I already believe it's too late. I really don't want to take that class again but it looks like I'm going to have to. Welp. I'm gonna go cry now.
TL;DR - e-mail didn't go through, missed e-mail from 9 days ago asking for file, most likely failed final and will have to take class again
srogee: It sounds like the email system fucked up, not you. Hopefully your professor will understand. If he doesn't believe you sent the original email, I'm sure you could verify it was sent with the tech department or something.
microphylum: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but at many universities, once grades have been sent to the registrar, they become more or less permanent. A couple of years ago the OP's story happened pretty much verbatim, except in this case I was the instructor responsible for entering grades. The student sent a panicked email the afternoon after the gradebook submission deadline--and even though I tried pretty much everything I couldn't get the department to change the grade.
| 3 | 3 | |
1401175421 | 1401285929 | t3_26l75j | t5_2to41 | 21 | MmmCake1: TIFU by getting so drunk I slept with my manager
I went out drinking with my work mates and ended up drinking excessive amounts of alcohol (enough that there is an abundance of blank spots in my memory). We ended the night at my managers place, where the manager and I had extremely loud sex, while my co-workers were in the next room.
Throwdin: No comments on his drinking problem?
Tom01111: How. How is that indicative of a drinking problem?
Throwdin: Someone who drinks enough to create such a high level of poison in their body that they lose their memory (blackout), has a drinking problem. That or other problems that are trying to solve by drinking, which is still the same thing.
MmmCake1: considering that this was the first time in 10 years (and the second time in my life) that I had a blackouts, I doubt I have a drinking problem. In fact I could say that I really don't have a problem with drinking.
rate-atouille: > I really don't have a problem with drinking.
I don't have a problem with drinking either -- that's why I do it to excess everyday!
| 6 | 3.5 | |
1401177516 | 1401183203 | t3_26l8xk | t5_2to41 | 14 | moderatelybadass: TIFU by sending an angry, but joking, text to my mom, instead of my roommate. NSFW words.
JackTickleson: First off you need to learn how to properly cuss
moderatelybadass: It's intentional. True release of anger is a freeing of the tongue, with no thought of appropriateness or clarity.
JackTickleson: It's not though, all you did was cuss like a 8 year who just heard all those words but doesn't know what any of them mean.
moderatelybadass: To each their own. I find the words themselves boring. Putting the words together in a truly stupid way makes me laugh at myself, which I find helpful.
JackTickleson: You see the words themselves are beautiful, beautiful like a musical note, but when put together properly they become a beautiful symphony of emotion.
| 6 | 2.333333 | |
1401180690 | 1401182041 | t3_26lb8j | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: Tifu by using my phone in a car.
Literally not more than 10 minutes ago, I was on my phone in my moms car on the way to the hospital for a check-up. I started feeling sick so I rolled down the window and turned my phone off. After a while I felt better, we were pulling into the car park and...I was sick. All down the car door all over my hands which were on the car door and all over said car park. My mom says I'm going to clean it off when I get home >.<
tl;dr I used my phone in the car got sick and have to clean it up.
Side note, still not fucking discharged...
EDIT: Kinda forgot to mention I get carsick/motion sick when reading or doing things in the car. Basically I fucked up because using my phone made me sick and now I've gotten sick over the door of my moms car meaning it'll stink like sick for ages and I'm the one cleaning it later.
G3TCRUNK3R: This story has no coherency.
GameRev: Makes perfect sense to me. Got carsick because I used my phone and threw up everywhere.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1401183158 | 1401184315 | t3_26ld44 | t5_2to41 | 49 | WhoNeedsMoney789: TIFU by transferring all my money into nothingness
So today I was admiring how much money I'd managed to save up these past few years when genius struck me and I realized that now would be a good time to try to put it into a savings account to start getting a little extra interest on the side. So excited was I by the idea of a couple extra hundred bucks per year that I made a savings account with a new bank right there and then and got to work making the transfer happen. Apparently I was so giddy I didn't even consider testing the waters with a $0.01 transfer to make sure everything was all right and I went ahead and transferred pretty the whole account without a second thought.
So I go to my new account and refresh the page, eagerly awaiting to see my money sitting in its lovely new home. Refresh once, twice, three times, and there's just a big fat $0 staring me in the face. Immediately I get that sinking feeling of the world falling out of my ass.
I go back to check the transfer details and, sure enough, when I copypasted the new account number to make the move, I somehow missed the last digit. ALL of my money, with my triple-checked and code-verified approval, just zoomed right out of my hands.
Immediately, hands shaking and voice quavering, I call up my bank and they say that they'll try to cut off the transfer but they "can't guarantee anything". Asked how long it'd take before we knew if it did or didn't work and they said they "didn't know". Asked what we'd do if the cut-off didn't, in fact, work, and they said "we'll see". And that's how I'm sitting here with $200 in my bank account and my life's savings shooting across the internet to places unknown.
TL;DR I can CTRL-C porn URLs better than I can bank account numbers and lost a five-figure amount of savings.
DJFlabberGhastly: Um... fuck man. *At least you have your health?*
WhoNeedsMoney789: Assuming I don't need a doctor any time soon, I suppose that's one of the things I have right now.
| 3 | 16.333333 | |
1401181803 | 1401411740 | t3_26lc2s | t5_2to41 | 1,734 | toilet_redditr: TIFU by self serving at my gf house NSFW
After a long night of drinking for my gfs 21 we leave the bar after more drinks than we could count with her parents taking care of the tap we go to a diner and go home and get into bed. Being in a long distance relationship and her living at school during school semesters we are normally able to just have drunk greasy sex but being at her parents house her drunken nerves were saying no all night.
So all night my junk, we will call him Tito, was just screaming just to get a little wet even just the tip. So me and Tito just sit there most of the night just laying there wishing for a miracle until im able to finally doze off.
In the morning my gf started to awaken and is partially feeling how i was the night before. She teases Tito until i wake up too with a big smile on my face. The house is completely silent which isnt normal by 10 at her house so I go with it and enjoy the ride. She decided to go brush the booze and puke out of her mouth and i ask her wtf and i suppose to do while she is gone and jokingly say jerk off, and she just kinda sarcastically yups at me and nods.
At this point Tito and I are debating on doing it until gw pops up and we say fuck it and just go for it, and this is where i fucked up. I hear footsteps start coming down the hallway and with the impression we were alone i though it was just her or the dogs and since dogs cant open doors i though i was safe. Little did i know her family loves surprises and decided to sing happy bday while she was still in bed.
This all would of been okay buuut there were no blankets around and i finished. It was like a volcanic eruption from all the teasing that had been done and even worst it felt like all of it landed on me mostly my own face.
As a black guy in a white home I felt like i single handedly set back interracial couples 100 of years. The wtf from her dad could be heard miles away over the ballons popping in the slammed door.
After explaining what happened to my girlfriend i sat down for breakfast with the family silently and didnt look away from my waffle once.
tldr: jerked off at girlfriends house parents walked in and cam on my own face, fucked up some waffles with them after
edit: gave that bitch paragraphs, bitches love paragraphs
BlackupHasArrived: > As a black guy in a white home I felt like i single handedly set back interracial couples 100 of years.
If you ever do have to explain yourself just blame it on cultural differences. Many white people have bedroom doors that don't lock, and family member would just randomly walk in without knocking. And if there was a lock, as illogical as it sounds, they would get pissed if you used it. Because locking your door automatically makes you guilty of hiding something.
This is probably why [your gf](http://i.imgur.com/s9uuFrG.jpg) was scared of doing something. She purposely kept the door unlocked just in case her parents checked. My suggestion is to lock the door from now on, and if the father asks why the door's locked just say "I'm having drunk greasy sex with your daughter and she can't talk right now because her mouth is full." That should fix all your problems.
toilet_redditr: Yeah the whole locked door think surprised me the first time I was over there house and they casually just leave the front door open, where as at my house we could have a party with some one coming ever 2 minutes and still lock it unlock it every time it's opened
[deleted]: It's a very strange cultural difference. I don't even bother knocking on most of my Caucasian friend's house/apartment doors because they're hardly ever locked. I could live in the nicest community ever and I'll still lock my doors because I don't trust people like that. I need my privacy.
baobabbao: Dude, whitey ain't all like that
ThegreatPee: Try telling Reddit that.
toilet_redditr: All 15 black people on reddit will tell you white people leave anything open
jdub_06: they all seem to know the status of our locks...but get mad when we suspect them first in the case of a missing bike
toilet_redditr: black people of reddit this guy knows
gotta stop stealing his bike forreal now
| 9 | 192.666667 | |
1401184922 | 1401297700 | t3_26lefs | t5_2to41 | 22 | burrito686: TIFU by sending a risqué snapchat to my sister instead of my boyfriend
I downloaded the new snapchat and thought i'd try and figure it out. Thinking I was sending it to my bf, I took a cheeky snap and clicked send, only to find out it had been sent to my sister.
Not only does she not really know about my boyfriend, we don't really get on that well or tell each other stuff as she always tells it to my parents who I don't get on well with either.
After realising I sent it all I could do was swear at myself, there was no way I could delete what had already been sent. So i just sat there refreshing my snapchat every 5 minutes until i saw that she had opened it, and sent her another one telling her to ignore it.
She hasn't brought it up, but things are awkward between us now.
Edit: Happened to anyone else before? How did you deal with it?
adudd: The same sort of thing happened to me but under different circumstances, I think I lucked out in the end. I've never really been hugely interested in things such as Snapchat, however my girlfriend requested I install the app on my phone. She started sending nude photos of her, sometimes covered up a bit but, still. I don't really have anything against doing the same for her, I just never really felt like it. One night I was extremely drunk and had taken a very large dose of Benzos, after receiving 3 or 4 nude Snapchats from my girlfriend, she requested something in return. In my mental state at the time I thought "fuck yeah, why not". I was completely out of it and just snapped a picture of my (erect) penis.
Naturally, being a complete fuck up, I managed to send it to the ONE other person I had added to my Snapchat list, my girlfriend's best friend, whom I did not know very well at the time.
At first I panicked a little bit, but she just sent me a message "lol, nice". She correctly assumed it was for my girlfriend, I apologized and explained it regardless. Nothing really occurred after that, I'm not sure if she told my girlfriend about it, but I certainly feel pretty awkward when I'm with her friend knowing she's seen my erect cock.
I know this sort of situation is pretty tame, I mean it could have gone far worse but we all agreed on the way I see it; shit happens, especially with technology. It was a mistake, if you're in a relationship and you want to share your body with your partner, I see nothing wrong with that personally, and I can't really fathom how anyone else would be so critical regarding it. I wouldn't sweat it too much. Hope everything turns out alright.
freak7seven: This is only bad if you have a little cock.
adudd: Yup pretty much, thankfully I don't really (I don't think at least) AND I had just landscaped my pubes so it looked beautiful.
freak7seven: I'm glad then, maybe you should incite like a sexual party now that you put a dick pic out...that seems like a logical next step.
DeePro1: I agree. A threesome maybe, I'd you're into that?
| 6 | 3.666667 | |
1401186689 | 1401241541 | t3_26lfqj | t5_2to41 | 9 | BindweedHawkmoth: TIFU by throwing up on my dog.
This happened a long time ago, but will stay with me forever. At least now I can look back and laugh, and I hope it makes someone else laugh too. (tl;dr at the bottom).
The year was 2009. I had recently been introduced to the wonders of marijuana, and was self medicating for depression and anxiety. My mum knew the score, and asked only that I smoke outside if I was gonna have a toke. My dad was, is, and always has been oblivious to the world around him.
Being a chick in my late teens, my bedroom was my sacred sanctuary. None were permitted entry without my blessing, and my parents understood that. I, like the asshole teenager that I was, ignored my mother's request to keep the house free of cannabis, and would often spark up next to my open bedroom window, feeling safe in my kerrang poster-riddled safehouse.
It was a warm spring night, and my parents were off out doing parenty things. Thus, I had custody of the family dog, who was chilling on the righteous throne that is my bed. As usual, I sat by the window, rolled a mellow spliff, and gazed out at the lights in the town. Everything was good.
Suddenly, and without warning, I heard the familiar sounds of a key in the lock; the front door creaking open and closed. I figured that, being in my sanctuary with the lights off, I was safe. They would figure I was in bed already. I toked on, now with a merry wobble in my body and mind. I heard the microwave ding as my parents made their hot chocolate before retiring for the night.
All of a sudden, a gut-wrenching fear came over me. Paranoia, relentless and unwavering. What if they came in to check on me? What if they chastised me for my reckless ways (to which they would be well within their rights)? What if... A wave of nausea sprang forth, prompting a frantic search for a receptacle in the darkness. Without warning, I spewed forth an unholy torrent of carroty chunks, landing square on my sleeping dog's side. Unfazed, he wiggled an ear, lifted his head groggily, and began to *lick himself clean.*
Mouth agape in pure horror, I froze for a moment. I could hear my parents ascending the staircase. Entering the bathroom. Brushing of teeth, then thankfully the creak of their bed as they settled for the night. The sheer panic, combined with the sight of my vomit-riddled dog in the moonlight caused me to unleash another barrage of half-digested stoner food - this time bombarding my pillow, floor, and bedsheets.
I tried to grip tightly to reality, fumbling round my bedroom as I waited for the sound of snoring. I finally stumbled out and into the bathroom to make a prayer to the porcelain gods. I grabbed a towel and some baby wipes and proceeded to give the dog a nice rub down, before finally deciding that I should have just put him in the shower in the first place. I rinsed the contents of my stomach from my dog, somehow finding the clarity to pick up a fresh towel to dry him, all the while with him desperately trying to find any more mushy goods to double-devour.
I was exhausted, dizzy and now had a throbbing headache. I had no clue how I was going to rectify this mess. Thus I grabbed all of my bedding and slam-dunked it in the washing machine before chucking a huge throw over the puke-stained floor and personal belongings. Finally, I passed out face down on the living room sofa, dog by my side, attempting to lick my face.
The next morning, I awoke in a panic. As my parents readied themselves for work, my mum gave me a worried look and asked if I was ok. Rather unsurprisingly, I was pale, with dark rings round my eyes and a clammy sheen to my skin. I mumbled something about being ill, and disappeared upstairs to face the aftermath of my antics.
Many lessons were learned that night. Don't be an asshole and directly disobey the requests of the people whose roof you live under. Go easy on the ganja anyways, and make sure you are 100% comfortable with where you are smoking. If you're gonna chuck, don't do it on your fluffy black dog. I can safely say that five years down the line, I've made a great effort to not fuck up like this again.
Tl:dr - Got pretty high, panicked, threw up on my dog. He loved it.
obliterayte: This gave me a good laugh. Sort of reminds me of when I left my nasty ass synthetic marijuana on my end table and my two dachshunds ate it. They got really sick and I felt horrible. I think I'm going to do a TIFU on this tomorrow. Thanks for the inspiration!
BindweedHawkmoth: Most welcome! Damn, that synthetic stuff is awful, hope your dogs recovered quickly!
obliterayte: Yes they did, they seemed paranoid for about 30 mins but that shit doesn't last long. I am so happy it didn't blow their hearts up.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1401188267 | 1401209195 | t3_26lgz5 | t5_2to41 | 39 | Iwatchyouinyoursleep: TIFU by ruining my best friends relationship with gay porn
5ft4masterrace: Wow I do similar. I set backgrounds to rotate periodically to gay porn, alter default search engines, change homepages on browsers, swap episodes of shows they like to porn with edited thumbnails/titles.
I really hope I don't end up breaking anyone up, a couple of my friends haven't discovered all the porn I hid in their South Park/Game of Thrones/whatever folders yet, and they watch that stuff with their girlfriends. :s
I'll probably keep doing it, though. It's entertaining.
DietPillPyramid: Oh, shit! I never thought of that.
Genius!
DietPillPyramid: (The part about putting it in their GOT folder, I mean)
My game just escalated.
| 4 | 9.75 | |
1401190576 | 1401221417 | t3_26lizv | t5_2to41 | 19 | Crappy_Cartoon: TIFU By leaving my school google account connected on my computer.
Currently shitting myself, I have no access to the history as the Admin takes full control over it, pretty average history for a 16 year old boy, however along with the porn searches and bear grylls enema in pacific ocean' ( I was curious as to why he was shoving a pipe up his arse in the sea, okay...) there's a book full of searches and posts about growing marijuana all of which could be linked to me.
2 weeks to go before I graduate High-school and start college, Is there anything for me to worry about, it's more embarrassment than anything, searches on gainit and r/cigars etc...
I didn't even realise the google account was linked, I just clear the history by pressing ctrl + H, I thought this was enough, completely forgot school google account was logged in, do they store all history etc?
Thanks to anyone who can give me more information.
DrKrumbles: Wait, I'm confused. Were you logged into a school computer or a personal computer and just happened to be signed into Chrome as your school account?
Crappy_Cartoon: I was logged into my personal computer, using my school chrome login, I transferred some work about a month ago, and had been logged in ever since.
DrKrumbles: Don't quote me on this, but I'm pretty sure a Google Admin for your school's Google App account can't view your history. The most they can do it turn on or off history collection. What happens when you sign into your Google (school) account and visit https://history.google.com/history/?
EDIT: I mean, unless they changed your password and logged in directly as you.
Crappy_Cartoon: It gives me a message a long the lines of "the admin in control of (schools name) accounts controls your history settings"
DrKrumbles: This just means they've turned off the ability for you to control your web history. They still can't see it. Going to your Google dashboard (accounts.google.com) will show you that your web history is disabled.
http://i.imgur.com/X60Qq67.png
Crappy_Cartoon: oh thank god for that, Weight off my shoulders right now!
| 7 | 2.714286 | |
1401192961 | 1401210307 | t3_26lle6 | t5_2to41 | 11 | p0tat07: TIFU by messing up a green on a golf course
Ok so like some other posts, this didn't happen today, but about a month ago. I was learning to mow greens cause my dad is grounds maintenance superintendent, meaning he keeps the golf course looking nice. Anyway I was 15 and when I turned 16(yesterday) he will employ me for a summer job. So it was my first day learning and my dad went over all parts to the mower(not a standard mower, it's a reel mower) I had work gloves on because it was fairly cold out for April. But they were frozen stiff(this is what causes the problem) so I was on my second pass or so and it was going fairly decent but I lost control of the mower and lost my balance and I had the bale handle squeezed so the drive rollers were engaged. I was about to make the next pass and as it got away from me I tried to stop it by lifting the mower back. Little did I know there is a kickstand on the bottom for maintenance to the mower. I pulled back two far and left 2 gashes right on the outside of the green. Thankfully it wasn't the center by the hole but they were about 2-3 feet long and 1/4 inch deep. My dad freaked out cause the folders are so anal about how the course looks. Anyways I've learned and I do a good job mowing now. I leave a few small skips but I go and fix those easily.
SeniorDiscount: Fuck! That's nothing. You should see the sod I can churn out with my 7 iron.
Da_Porta: Why the FUCK would you have a 7 iron on a green?
VendettaGreen: Rest of his clubs were broken or in the lake.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1401189955 | 1401270686 | t3_26lieg | t5_2to41 | 14 | redeyesatnight: TIFU By punching my friend who was supporting me
I am 17 and have known I was Bi for a few years. With starting 6th form college this year and the party's that come with it I have been spending more time around my friends in a state where my judgement is impaired.
Well this night, I was at my best friends house that I had known for around 5 years and he decided to have some people around while his parents were away. I was enjoying myself and drank quite a lot of beer and a small bottle of vodka because no one wanted it. It was around this point that I decided why shouldn't my he know about my orientation? I have trusted him before and he had never let me down. Plus he trusted me when he was depressed and went through a cutting stage.
So I pulled him to the side in the hall and told him straight up. He just replied with "Thats fine mate". I was so relieved that I had told someone I broke into tears and tried to reassure him that I was still the same person. He just laughed and told me it was ok. Just the another friend that walks in but he does not know why I am crying and I pull myself together and we walk back into the front room.
I was so happy with myself and my best friend that I gave him a friendly push and we started a play fight like we have had lots of times before. This time however I think I was a little too drunk and enthusiastic as I took a swing and hit him square on the right temple which knocked him clean out for a few seconds. I immediately felt soo bad and kept apologising but I could tell his mood had changed and he went to get ice and ignored me for the rest of the night.
While he is talking to me again now but he is still angry and he has a massive yellow bruise on his head that he does not seem happy about.
TL;DR I told my best friend I am Bisexual and rewarded his care and support by punching him hard in the face. I am a bad friend.
[deleted]: Don't drink so much. Seriously this is a big red flag right now. Going through some emotional life changes like you are, alcohol can be the difference between it being totally awesome and completely depressing. If you want to apologize for knocking you're best mate out cold it's going to take more than a few words or a gift. Don't ever get that drunk again and let him know you realize the gravity of the whole situation. A lot rests on how often you pick that bottle up right now.
redeyesatnight: I don't think I have a problem with alcohol. I am not normally violent and didn't intend to be this time. I have learned not to double fist with vodka though
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1401196563 | 1401273359 | t3_26lpfy | t5_2to41 | 739 | IJustWantGames: TIFU by ruining a relationship by buying a board game
**WARNING: Massive wall of text**
This actually happened yesterday. Before I get into what happened, I have to throw a bunch of backstory at you for context.
When I was younger, I was a somewhat chubby awkward Asian kid who didn't have much self-esteem and got shot down by every girl I talked to- regardless or whether or not I was actually interested. At some point I got fed up with feeling sorry about myself and decided to go on a self-improvement stint. I exercised more, I got a nice haircut, started dressing trendier (never thought I would wear skinny jeans before then), I tried to change everything about myself so that I'd feel better about who I was. I eventually ended up going for the "boy-band pretty-guy" look since my facial features and body build sort of made it difficult to be "macho". I took this new image pretty seriously and made it a point to look fashionable whenever I go out.
Now, this is where the whole problem came into play. I typically like to visit this local games shop that is a haven of board games, tabletop games and card games. My friends and I started playing Magic: The Gathering during the M10 series (just around when Zendikar hit stores), and since we have a bit more breathing room to splurge now that we're in college, we like to come to this shop often to pick up fun board games or tabletop games. I hate to enforce stereotypes, but this sort of store tends to attract a certain... demographic. Most of them tend to be somewhat larger, nerdy bearded guys who are meeting up for the store's gaming events (which they hold frequently), and who for some reason, didn't seem to like me. They seemed like cool guys, but every time I walked in, I noticed a few glares burned into the back of my head while I looked around.
On this particular day, we decided to pick up a game that we've yet to add to our collection. After debating a few ideas, we went over to the wall where they keep the boxes of board games to look for Lords of Waterdeep, right by the tables where a bunch of people were playing card games. For the most part they paid us no mind, but there was an odd grumble or two while we were looking through the titles. I looked over the big box with some excitement and remarked to my friends that I knew what I was going to do for the next 4 hours, and then jokingly said "God, I'm a nerd."
That's where I fucked up.
Having taken offense to this grievous insult, the nearest neckbeard from the table sprung up and confronted my cheeky quip. How *dare* I call myself a nerd? I was an insult to what gaming is, I couldn't possibly be a nerd! I shouldn't identify myself with something if I don't really have that interest at heart, and...
I was confused. This guy was going rapid-fire and I had no idea what was going on, all I could do was grip the box to my chest like a frightened toddler. The girl that was sitting next to him came to him and tried to calm him down, but he would have none of it. This pretty-boy *poser* thinks he's a nerd for buying a board game! UNACCEPTABLE. We were starting to make a scene.
At some point, the tirade became a bit more verbally abusive. His remarks started sliding into name-calling, something along the lines of "sucking dick in between bites of dog". At that moment, the girl's tone shifted pretty quickly from "calm down" to "don't talk to him like that!" Eventually the focus shifted from him spraying gob at me to him arguing with his (I think) girlfriend. At least she probably *was* his girlfriend right up until she said "You're such an asshole! I'm so sick of this and I'm so sick of you!" before storming past him and out the door.
The store was dead silent. If a flea farted at that moment, it would have echoed for years. The guy eventually slowly sank back down into his seat and put his head in his hands. His friends surrounded him and started comforting him, but from the way his shoulders kept heaving up and down I got the impression that it wasn't really working. I can't give you a good explanation why, but at that moment I felt like a horrible person- like I just carelessly stepped on something important to someone. And not just like I'd trodden on it, but like I'd stomped the yard up and down all over it. It was a really, really shitty feeling.
Lords of Waterdeep was fun. I'll probably buy Diplomacy next time.
**EDIT:** I got a lot of comments saying it isn't really my fault and you guys have a point- I didn't make her dump that guy in any way. But it's one of those moments where something shitty happens in front of you, and when all is said and done at the end of this ordeal the guy was sitting there crying in public. He might have been misguided and handled the situation poorly, but it obviously bothered him more than it bothered me, and maybe it's just me but it's hard to stand there looking at a heartbroken guy and not feel a little bit of "oops" in the back of your head.
poisomike87: The neckbeard was strong with that one
[deleted]: We may need a picture of this "pretty boy" to determine he is, in fact, not a neckbeard.
IJustWantGames: I'm not sure if you're joking, but for reference and just to be sure, [here's me ruining my diet at a Red Robin's](http://imgur.com/QErzZ5L).
I can't promise there's no neckbeard under that mouth mask though.
im_gonna_afk: What is that thing called that you're wearing around your neck/under your chin? Actually curious, i've only seen it one other time worn by TOP of BIGBANG.
IJustWantGames: It's just a simple mouth mask. It's like a surgical mask, but made out of fabric.
They're really comfortable.
nesnes: Do you use it for show or because you don't want sars or whatever it is you normally use it for
CUNTASAURUS_REX: This is serous the funniest comment I have ever read on reddit oh god my sides
| 8 | 92.375 | |
1401198421 | 1401224176 | t3_26lrzm | t5_2to41 | 17 | AliceKitten: TIFU by saying sex is just sex
My fiance was telling me how sex is special and that it wouldn't be the same if he went out and had sex with some other girl. I said sex is sex it'd be no different with anyone else unless they're just bad in bed. I also admitted I have no emotional connection during that time.
_U_W0T_M8_: [U WOT M8](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fedG5o-PRFI&feature=kp)
MercWithBurritos: Uncontrollable laughter for no reason.......
VertigoShark: u havin' a lil giggle m8
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1401212428 | 1401288869 | t3_26lt7f | t5_2to41 | 42 | KriiLunAus: I threw up when I was a teenager giving my BF at the time head for the first time. I was young and inexperienced, and he didn't bathe for over 2 weeks and left that part out. OMG the smell and taste, plus he was uncircumcised and had tasty things under the foreskin! I was down there for maybe 10 seconds before I ran to the bathroom puking.
traugdor: Makes me glad I'm circumcised. Holy fuck, that's just disgusting.
kezinch: You think just because you're cut you can not shower for 2 weeks and your dick won't smell? Being intact had nothing to do with it, the dude *didn't shower for two weeks!*
traugdor: Whoa whoa no! I shower every day!
I'm just glad that my junk is easier to keep clean!
kezinch: Dude the easier to keep clean thing is complete bullshit. Is it hard to retract your skin for 5 seconds during a shower? No.
What you lose with circumcision is the majority of the erogenous nerves that are responsible for pleasure during sex. You will never get this back and the only reason you don't miss it is because you have no idea what you've lost. Why do you think it's performed on you when you're an infant and not as an adult/teen? No way you'd let someone force this on you when you've gotten a chance to feel what you'd actually lose.
Go do some research on why circumcision was brought to the US in the late 1800s early 1900s and you'll realize it was to curb masturbation and reduce sexual feelings, an agenda backed by Kellogg. The "cleanliness" excuse was brought up in the 50s way after routine circumcision was performed. It was only to propagate the procedure, not because it's a real reason. Keeping your genitals clean is very easy to do, women are way more prone to smegma and they do just fine having intact genitals. So do the rest of the 2 billion men on this planet who are intact.
traugdor: Well it obviously failed...because I still smack it daily and I just banged my wife this evening....so there's that.
kezinch: No shit... it doesn't destroy all feeling, if it did it would be the end of humanity. That doesn't change the fact that it would feel *even better* if you had your whole penis left intact. Anyway, I just hope you don't force it on your child and let him choose. I could care less if people do it to themselves it just pisses me off that it's forced on others.
traugdor: I don't know why you're getting all angry. It's not like it's your penis we're talking about here...
| 8 | 5.25 | |
1401207961 | 1401208832 | t3_26m6zv | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU sending dirty texts
This happened when my wife and I were still dating early on. So I drove to my wifes house to pick her up since we only saw each other on the weekend.
Well she had gone inside to get her stuff for the weekend. I was parked outside and just started texting assuming it was my wife.
I texted her `Dont forget your thong and stockings` sent it. Then realized I sent it to my mom. My stomach sank right away.
I called my mom right away she laughed and said way to much information for me.
twcsata: Well, at least it was no harm no foul.
PropaneSalesMen: Ya my mom and I are pretty close so it was all good.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1401209719 | 1401210896 | t3_26ma19 | t5_2to41 | 16 | throwaway_shitfaced: TIFU by getting shit-faced before going to the airport. They didnt let me get on the flight
I was so drunk that I started talking non-sense. They called a cop to calm me down. I had to drink a few coffees and lots of water. Finally they booked me on the next flight. Lost half and day and feel like a shitty hang over. I am embarrassed as hell with myself.
shermp: Probably got added to a "list" also.
This is why I smoke weed before flying, munchies then nap.
throwaway_shitfaced: Oh shit.. What is the consequence?
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1401208050 | 1401261210 | t3_26m75h | t5_2to41 | 212 | ohnogopro: TIFU by waking up in the back of a blue Mustang.
It had been a very blurry Friday night downtown. OK, in truth it was a complete blackout Friday night. The next morning I awoke to the morning sun bearing down on my through the back of a car window. I rub my groggy eyes, sit up and look around. Phone, Wallet, Keys, fuck yeah I've got them all here.
Then I realize I don't recognize this car I'm in, it's a light blue new Mustang. Crawling out of the very cramped back seat I notice I'm at the apartments where a lot of my friends live and my car is where I left it before the pregame, parked right beside me. I eventually meet them at the pool a couple hours later and ask who owns the blue mustang. I was going to thank them for giving me a ride home. No one we know owns that mustang. They dropped me off thinking I would make it to my friends apartment, instead I broke into an unlocked strangers car and slept in the back. I'm so thankful they decided to sleep in that morning. My car which is an SUV and contains a sleeping pad and sleeping bag was right beside the car I decided to sleep in.
ThegreatPee: Well, at least it was a Mustang and not a rape van. It could always be worse :D
buttfaceshitpants: well, he was blacked out..
ohnogopro: My throat did feel really sore that morning... oh god.
WHO_FUCKED_UP: It's definitely because your neck was angled weird sleeping in a trunk.
Definitely.
I guarantee it.*
^^^*this ^^^post ^^^is ^^^not ^^^guaranteed ^^^to ^^^be ^^^guaranteed.
| 5 | 42.4 | |
1401210735 | 1401230128 | t3_26mbq1 | t5_2to41 | 67 | justind4903: TIFU By Contacting My Ex
Long story short, I haven't been with my ex in about 6 months time. In that time, she has been dating another guy and I was fooling around with another woman. We broke up because I was lying to her ( I wasn't cheating, I just made a bunch of excuses not to do stuff and I quit my job and told her I was fired etc.) So I am pretty much a lousy human being but I already knew that. Anyways, I have gotten my life back on track by finding a job that I actually enjoy, I've been working out, and I've begun dating again. Well sometimes, I still think of my ex, because in reality I would've married her if she would have let me. Every time I'm on a date with someone else, I wish it was with her. The feeling I had with her was indescribable, she made me feel whole. I just wish I had a time machine. Anyways.... So my grandfather died about 2 months ago, and out of the blue she sent me a text message saying she was sorry for my loss. I don't even know how she found out, but she did. We texted each other for a few hours, then we parted ways on the text. Then on Easter, I sent out a mass text message saying happy easter, and she responded with a "You too!". Well I sent her a text last week and she flipped out on me. Saying that I disrespected her by sending her and my other ex a text message on easter (In reality, I just sent EVERYONE on my phone that message, and honestly I really only wanted to send it to her but I wanted to make it indiscreetly for her.) So She then proceeds to tell me she doesn't want me in her life etc. Well I then sent her an email (after copious amounts of alcohol) telling her how I actually feel about her and all that jazz. Now I feel like any way towards getting her back into my life have actually regressed even further. So to sum it up, the woman I love, that I messed up with, knows how I actually feel while making an ass out of myself.
kapitalistislie: >Well I sent her a text last week and she flipped out on me. Saying that I disrespected her by sending her and my other ex a text message on easter
http://i.imgur.com/8X6UUyC.gif
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/MassiveSpicyAllosaurus](http://gfycat.com/MassiveSpicyAllosaurus)
---
^(GIF size: 1.87 MiB) ^| ^(GFY size:454.51 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
lookatthisthrowaway3: *slicks hair back*
So gfy_bot, you uh... you doin' anything tonight?
BasedJoey_: I wish I wasn't broke. I'd gift you gold for this.
| 5 | 13.4 | |
1401210297 | 1401324353 | t3_26maz3 | t5_2to41 | 124 | itgoteverywhere: TIFU by pooping on my girlfriend's beige couch (NSFW)
This happened a few weeks ago.
I live with my girlfriend in a small apartment. We both work from home doing web development work, often on the same projects, and we almost always go to the same concerts with the same group of friends. In other words, we spend a lot of time together. We never fight, we never snap at each other, we always have a blast, she's never jealous, so I'm not pointing this out to complain, just to say that things are cool and give some background.
She has a high sex drive, higher than mine, but it doesn't change the fact that from time to time, I still like working solo. The other day, she had to go out for a meeting, which gave me a rare few hours to listen to music she hates and, naturally, load up my favorite tube site. I closed the blinds, put the cat in the bedroom, laptop on the coffee table, removed my pants, and plopped down on my girlfriend's beautiful, expensive beige couch.
Now, I have some digestion problems. My stomach is upset often and as much as I've tried, I've never really been able to pin down exactly what causes them. On this fateful day, I was still recovering from a few days of power level 9000 sneak attack shits. They would appear, I would run to the bathroom, a biohazard would be declared, I would cry myself to sleep. Keep that in mind.
I started working myself to some video, I don't even remember what. All I remember is that I was into it and it was awesome. As I got close to the end, I felt a little bubbling in my stomach but just ignored it since I was nearing the point of no return. I clenched my butt a little and kept working. I remember turning up the sound -- the girl was really into it, I couldn't get enough -- and really leaning in for the grand finale. Suddenly, forcefully, I exploded into the tissues I had prepared... and rocketed wet diarrhea into the couch.
I'm not gonna lie and say it was an unusually large bowel movement, but I don't make a habit of pooping bare-butted on couches so I don't really have much frame of reference. It doesn't really matter, since nobody has ever said, "Oh, don't worry, it's just a little shit all over the couch."
I went into panic mode. Immediately grabbed paper towels and started working. I didn't have long. I sopped up as much as possible, which was more than I expected, since it was runny and the fabric always seems to absorb every god damn drop of every god damn thing we spill on it under normal circumstances. A girlfriend years ago taught me a bit about cleaning up fabric (dab, don't rub) so I was somewhat effective. The smell wasn't as bad as it could have been. Opened a window, sprayed some febreze, and that was taken care of.
Unfortunately, there was still this stain and time was running out. With no other options, I poured a glass of red wine, drank half of it, and dumped the other half right onto the stain. I then dabbed that dry, flipped the cushion, and told myself that if and when she found it, I could claim ignorance.
She came home a few hours later. Confident that all evidence had been erased, I said nothing and asked about how her day was. She filled me in on her project, we discussed dinner, and went on with our night. All was well until later that night when she put her hand in the crack between the cushions and found the stiff, crumpled tissues I used to absorb not the shit that nearly destroyed the couch but the cum that preceded it. It made for a slightly awkward conversation but nowhere near as bad as what could have happened.
The end.
TL;DR Fapped when I should not have fapped, punished with poo on couch. Quick thinking averted disaster. Time will tell if I am safe.
funroll-loops: Have you even been tested for Crohn's disease?
itgoteverywhere: Definitely not Crohn's. I had an endoscopy last year and they found no signs of any true condition, so my diagnosis was really "big wimp." It's an inconvenience but I think I just have a stomach. I go easy on dairy, avoid greasy stuff when I can, don't drink coffee, don't eat hot stuff and I'm usually fine.
lpisme: Endoscopy goes down your throat, colonoscopy is the one you probably really need to make any kind of definite diagnosis.
A camera up your butt - embarrassing, right? - but it shouldn't be. Get the test done and feel better knowing you do/don't have a condition that you may be able to control just fine with medication.
Source: Have had both. It ain't no thang.
Dimsml: Well, actually Endoscopy is a general term.
Gastroscopy is when the camera goes down your throat, esophagus, stomach and duodenum.
Colonoscopy goes up your colon.
lpisme: TIL! Thank you sir.
| 6 | 20.666667 | |
1401211171 | 1401212277 | t3_26mcge | t5_2to41 | 148 | YDoesItHurtWhenIP: TIFU By Not Wrapping My Weenie NSFW
I had a wonderful evening with a great woman who was on birth control and liked having sex without a condom. I have been very scrupulous concerning protection up until this point. She really didn't want to use a condom and I felt that there was no way I could insist without implying that I thought she was "dirty" which I didn't.
I was really turned on by this point and really wanted to have sex so I did... unprotected.
Well, I just got the dreaded "you might want to get yourself tested" call. Turns out she just caught herpes.
Yay.
Based on incubation periods it is very likely that I would have symptoms before now and I am probably ok but now every time my junk so much as itches I stress out. Obviously I am getting tested ASAP.
Condoms... Wearing a raincoat in the shower is a lot better than getting that phone call.
Poop_muffin: I, too, engaged in unprotected sex, and contracted Chlamydia.
Here's the worst part, I had to make the phone call to him because he didn't have the decency to tell me.
YDoesItHurtWhenIP: Ugh, I can't stand people like that. I want to score as much as the next person but not at the expense of messing up someone's quality of life the way a STD does.
Poop_muffin: Exactly! If there's even a chance that you think you might have something, you should have already gotten it checked out! At minimum, one should insist upon using a condom when they're not with a long-term partner.
| 4 | 37 | |
1401211289 | 1401311655 | t3_26mcnk | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating dog food
I just moved into my new place yesterday, and spent all morning cleaning the kitchen. Took me hours but I was really hungry by the end of it all. I decided to go to the local whole foods and stack up on food, now that I had a kitchen and everything.
I normally don't buy snacks, but I love bacon and at the end of the cereal aisle there was a stand with bacon and chicken jerky. I'm thinking, "hey that's cool, I like bacon".
Get home, start eating the bacon strips. It gets all crumbly in my mouth and I'm thinking, you know, something isn't entirely right about this situation. The bacon is just not salty or tasty at all, it kinda smells like sawdust or fuck... dog food. I check the fucking package and there a REALLY GODDAMN SMALL 1x1 inch circle that says "Dog Snacks". I flip it over and it says "wash hands after handling".
I spit it out, but it was fucking stuck in my teeth. Took me 10 minutes to get it all out.
You know, the experience wasn't absolutely terrible. It's just my ego hurts, because I JUST ATE FUCKING DOG FOOD.
catman420: I know lots of people who've accidentally eaten dog snacks, including myself. my girlfriend put them in a big plastic baggie and i thought they where beef jerkies. I was like sweet a giant bag of beef jerky ! and munched on them not once, but twice befor she came home and stopped me from eating more.
angry_addict: Stopped me from eating more, haha, I love that line.
catman420: Ya. I was halfway through a piece when she walked in. Dog wouldn't stop tryin' to eat my tongue all day, no matter how much mouthwash I used.
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1401211765 | 1401232618 | t3_26mdgq | t5_2to41 | 2 | Toomuchfun21: Tifu grabbed the wrong ass
{\rtf1\ansi\ansicpg1252
{\fonttbl\f0\fnil\fcharset0 Verdana;}
{\colortbl;\red255\green255\blue255;\red0\green0\blue0;\red255\green255\blue255;}
\deftab720
\pard\pardeftab720\partightenfactor0
\f0\fs26 \cf2 \cb3 \expnd0\expndtw0\kerning0
\outl0\strokewidth0 \strokec2 So I've been datng this girl for several months, we r old friends from college who live in the same small town. At some point though we started hooking up again recently. A little back story. She has a history of being a cheater, at least with me. The first time we hooked up was years ago when she cheated on her boy friend with me. It was a trist that only lasted about a month and then ended, but that is how we first started hanging out. Fast forward years later she is at the end of a shitty relationship, I see her at a bar and she ends up coming home with me. Eventually she breaks up with her current boy friend and starts seeing me. She makes it clear she doesn't want to make things serious as she just got out of a long term relationship, but as things do it starts heating up between us and becomes a more formal relationship. Still not my girl friend, but we r seeing each other regularly. Anyways we r out at a bar one night and we r getting liquored, I'm definitely three sheets at this point. I'm out with this girl and her friends and my buddy's r there too, (I was trying to hook them up with her girl friends) and they start talking about how epic her friends ass is. Through my drunken stupor I do maybe the stupidest thing in my life and grab the friends ass. Anyway the friend freaked out, this girl I really like stopped talking to me and I feel like a complete idiot. I guess where my question comes in is this girl I like has a history of cheating so I don't know why I'm so in love with her when my brain is telling me to bounce as she is a cheater anyways and isn't worth pursuing for a long term relationship. Anyone ever feel in love with a person even though they know it can't end well e.g. She will probably just end up cheating on me too. }
nigerian_nigger: TL;DR
Toomuchfun21: What does that mean?
Username__Irrelevant: Too Long; Didn't Read
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1401213984 | 1401229483 | t3_26mh8c | t5_2to41 | 14 | theblaze57: TIFU by doing the cold water challenge.
This happened a few weeks ago so not technically "today" but I figured I'll share my fuck up with you guys here. So i was tagged to do the Cold Water Challenge. Now, I donated $10 to Autism Speaks regardless, but a few friends of mine who were also tagged went with me to this river by my college and we took turns doing it. I jumped in and swam out a bit and as I got out I stepped in a bunch of broken beer bottles, which were underwater so I didn't see them, and they cut my foot to shreds. It gets better! As I was pulling shards out of the cuts while in the car, guess what I found wriggling around just inside the biggest gash? A FUCKING LEECH! Then the idiot of the group pulls some salt packets out from a Wendy's bag on the floor (since we stopped for burgers on the way to the river) and says "Doesn't salt kill leeches? I'll pour these on it!" And before anybody could answer he just dumped the four or five salt packets all over my sliced up leech feeding ground of a foot, so you can imagine how painful it was. It did however get the leech off but it still hurt like a bitch. All this because of the Cold Water Challenge.
WPBDoc: Wow....let's just hope that the leech didn't lay eggs in your open wound. If you wake up in the middle of the night in about 6 weeks with leeches crawling out of your nose and ears, do update us though. Pleasant dreams!
nl_kerp: You motherfucker.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1401213080 | 1401220001 | t3_26mfp1 | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU when I made a dumb joke
This was actually last week but whatever. Anyways, I was in my 3rd period class and we were having a free day because we had our projects done. Me and a 3 friends were playing cards and we get pretty weird when we play for some odd reason. Anyways, my friend (who was playing cards) who happened to be black, said his knee hurts. For some stupid reason I said "haha that's because you're a knee-grow"...Fuck. I immediately realised what I said and they just laughed it off but fuck that, seriously. I heard a joke while back that went something like "why are black people so good at basketball? Because they're (their) knee-grows". I fucked up. Were friends and I'm sure he hasn't even thought of it but ugh, that feeling always sucks. Sorry if the format or grammar is bad, I'm on mobile. Thanks for reading.
Edit: a word
[deleted]: Dude... apologize to him.
ChaoticQuackAttack: Were actually hanging out right now, and everything is chill.
[deleted]: When you two are alone, say how sorry you are for making that joke.
IEnjoyBrowsingReddit: Then give him a brojob.
ChaoticQuackAttack: I'm not that kind of person anymore thank you very much
iamsammii: > anymore
> ANYMORE
> **ANYMORE**
| 7 | 3.285714 | |
1401210449 | 1401217505 | t3_26mb8h | t5_2to41 | 11 | Herpepotamus: TIFU by pissing a bunk bed,
After an insane party, trying weed for the first time, drinking all kinds of things and generally making a fool of myself, some friends bundled me and my mate into bed. Me on the top bunk, him on the bottom bunk. Next thing I know I wake up soaking wet. I think it's water for a while because I've still got all kinds of shit pumping through my veins but as my mind clears I realise it's piss. I quickly get changed and flip the mattress. After helping clean the house I head home. I haven't talked to that guy for a while (he's one of my best friends) but I pissed myself on his bed and I'm so embarrassed for when he or his parents find out. Luckily it was the mattress he doesn't usually sleep on but I'm shitting bricks in case it doesn't dry before he notices it.
Crappy_Cartoon: You pissed a bunk bed!
Be grateful you're still here...
Herpepotamus: I was on top as well. Holy fuck.
VanillaMan: By flipping the mattress, won't the piss drip down onto the surprised, unlucky soul below?
Herpepotamus: Dude it;s all sorted. It turns out it was hardly any. I was wearing jogging bottoms under jeans and I think I'd visited the toilet. All seems good. I guess the lesson is weed and alcohol don't mix.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1401216732 | 1401264146 | t3_26mlyo | t5_2to41 | 28 | CaptainPaulx: TIFU by sending dirty messages to my son
So this isn't a story about what I did its about what my friends mom did.
I was at my friends has and we had just woken up around 11 am. We sat there in our half away states when his phone started vibrating. He received these messages in this order from his mom which were supposed to be for his step dad.
Miss your kisses
Miss your touch
Miss your cock
Miss fucking you
I_am_chris_dorner: Were his arms broken?
donleone2: knew this comment would be here, thanks for not disappointing me haha
bigdog647382: Explain yourselves
halosldr: http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/nmmjr/iama_man_who_had_a_sexual_relationship_with_his/c3a9uqg
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1401215636 | 1401235614 | t3_26mk3f | t5_2to41 | 50 | [deleted]: TIFU by shooting off to a deaf person that was ignoring me
Not today, but yesterday, I was out having dinner with my girlfriend. Before dinner, waiting to be seated, we walked up to the very busy bar for a drink. We were lucky enough to get 2 seats at the bar, and we sat to have a drink.
A few minutes later, I felt a person touching my shoulder. I turned to see a man looking for a bartender with cash in his hand.
I said to him, "Would you like to step in front of me to order a drink?" He just ignored me while staring in to the abyss. Now, being that I live in an area that is common to people that act incredibly rude, stuck-up, and just plain have no manners, I assumed this person didn't even have the decency to respond to me. I then said, quite loudly, "Or you can just fucking ignore me." It took all of 30 seconds, and watching this man point to the menu, nod or use his fingers, and most importantly not respond without staring at someone's lips, to realize that he was deaf.
I felt like a dick, laughed, then continued to feel like a dick.
Auron88: "You're a terrible stuntman!"
garrison119: WHAT?!
| 3 | 16.666667 | |
1401222424 | 1401224461 | t3_26mvyp | t5_2to41 | 15 | SergeantPepper19: TIFU by accidentally assaulting an elderly man.
A group of my friends and I were holidaying in Ireland for the week and had decided to just chill near a brick wall mucking about for a couple of hours. I was wearing a hoodie at the time and one of my mates thought it would be fun to pull the strings so tight and then tie a not in them so I couldn't see. The hoodie was pulled so tight that it looked like a clenched butt hole. One of my other mates decided it would be fun to start poking me in the side. Being the kind of rational and well though person that I am, I decided to stumble around on the side walk and try and grab him when he did it. An elderly man started walking by at the time tried to step around (I was in the middle of the side walk), I thought it was my mate and grabbed at him. Never have I freaked out so much in my life. I undid and put down my hood only to witness the sight of all my friends dying of laughter and an elderly man running away from us down the street...
adudd: As much as I would like to say you fucked up, the thought of an elderly man running away because some butthole hoodie creature accosted him is hilarious. I don't think you fucked up, I think you did just fine my man.
SergeantPepper19: I'm trying to imagine the old man telling his grandchildren of the incident the way you described it and it's hilarious.
adudd: Hahahaha, now I'm cracking up even more! This subreddit is great.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1401223925 | 1401225219 | t3_26mylv | t5_2to41 | 3 | ThrowawayOnTheWeb: TIFU nearly because a 4chan app called "Mimi" saved porn to my phone
First off, this is a throwaway, simply because I am a pussy with confessions and I got friends who know my Reddit account.
Anyway, being a teenage boy that I am, I decided to watch porn, so since 4chan can easily be hidden as a regular forums app, I use /gif/ for "pay my respects", but lately the app has had some issues due to the WebM, one of these was randomly downloading a video that I watched, so I noticed this before, thought nothing of it, and carried on, observely delete this prior video.
So here is the fuck-up, since i'm a teenage boy, I tend to watch porn alot, so anyway, had my session and carried on with life, the next day we had a controlled assessment in geography about costal erosion, we went on a trip and all that, so since we needed pictures from this trip, I went to my phone to upload them to dropbox/googledrive(wasn't away of the write-up being today, didn't bring lead), whichever the school felt like not blocking that day(we was in a computer room and we had a sub teacher, he was cool about use taking our phones out for the photos). Anyway heres where I dodged a bullet, this session I has the day before, out of all the content I viewed, it saved this one blowjob video, pretty explainable to anyone minus the teacher right? Wrong, this video had to be the one that if you glanced or didn't analysis it correctly, it looked like one of my really close female friend, essentially I could of fucked up and caused rumours about her. Luckly also being a teenage boy you have a reflex to hide the porn by any means, so I did and deleted the video, but boy would that have caused alot of shit...
Anyways, it was a good video regardless, if you guys wanna know what video, look in the /gif/ blowjob thread and look for the WebM with the pale girl, brown hair and blue shirt
tl;dr : Always check your folders, kids
catman420: learn 2 laptop
ThrowawayOnTheWeb: Only got computer and phone
catman420: Get a job, bum !
Computer works though if your up late. Masturbating as a teenager is a struggle, my friend.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1401224059 | 1401225828 | t3_26myu0 | t5_2to41 | 23 | just_a_q_tip: TIFU by being a responsible adult, and possibly losing my girlfriend.
So this didn't actually happen today, but started roughly 2 weeks ago, and the fuck up is still in effect.
**TL;DR** I couldn't make it to Anime North (Anime convention) because of work. Girlfriend and I got into heated argument about it. Haven't talked in about 10 days. Want to break up with her.
So just some info on me to give you the full picture of how I fucked up.. I[19] just finished first year university at the end of April and moved back home (different city than my university) and my girlfriend lives near the university. So we don't get to see each other often now since we are in different cities. Also, this is in Canada.
I plan on renting an apartment come second year for university, but I need to go find a job and get cash to rent it.
So I did.
My job is easy, but physically demanding and almost required to work 7 days a week ( I can request days off, which are given to me if possible, and I get some days off by law already).
So as most of you may have known, the Friday, Saturday and Sunday that just passed was Anime North, and my girlfriend and I had originally planned on going together.
Let's rewind to the Friday before Anime North. Any workers who need to have specific days off need to remind their supervisors a week in advance once, and then again the Friday or Saturday of the weekend before the work week. I had fulfilled all of the above, and on Friday I had reminded my supervisor again that if possible, to give me Saturday and Sunday off (so I could go to Anime North).
Sunday rolls around, everyone gets their new work schedule. Sadly, I didn't get the weekend off. I got off work and messaged my girlfriend that I had work, and couldn't make it, but I'd try again tomorrow at work to request at least one day off.
She starts going on a bunch of shit about how I don't care for her enough and don't want to see her (I text her everyday after work). We both know it's hard to find a chance to see each other now that it's LDR. She still has school and I have a job, so it's rare for us to find time to spend together.
She kept bringing up how Anime North was one of our few chances to get to see each other, and that I had promised, and broke that promise.
I had been keeping my cool up to this point, and just calmly talking to her about it, and I was constantly saying sorry. But she kept mentioning how I never have time for her. How I don't want to see her.
This is where I snapped. She never once mentioned, and I doubt she even remembers, that I had a total of two days off work (up to the day of our argument) and I spent both days with her. Transited to hers and spent the day with her.
Apparently, giving your girlfriend surprise visits when she hasn't seen you in around a month isn't memorable enough to excuse me from not being able to make it to Anime North because I have work.
So I explained to her one final time. How much I missed her. How much I wanted to go with her to Anime North. But I couldn't because I have work and had tried to get the days off already. And I had no intention of skipping work just to go with her.
Nope. She doesn't see it, I'm still completely at fault (not that I'm saying I'm not at fault at all). So I just stopped replying to her text from there, and went to go play some games alone and online with friends to cool off.
We haven't talked for close to 10 days now. The closest thing we had to "talking to each other" was her friend conveying our messages to each other a few days ago, trying to help patch things.
I feel like breaking up. LDR isn't working for us already and all this arguing has only torn us apart farther.
I seriously don't know what to do anymore...
unceunceunce: Good riddance. She showed you her true colors and you already know what you need to do.
witchling_22: This. She will end up being a bratty spoiled wife to someone. Do you *really* want the rest of your life with this bullshit guilt trip? Because if it's not AN, it will be something else. Always.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1401224634 | 1401241624 | t3_26mzsu | t5_2to41 | 259 | [deleted]: TIFU by farting in an elevator
I was at a hotel elevator (ground floor parking lot), and it was empty when I went in there. I was on my way up to the 16th floor, but on the way up it stopped at the hotel lobby floor. Just prior to the door opening, I had let out the biggest, smelliest, nastiest fart.
The door opened, and about 8 people walked in. On the way up they couldn't breathe, and nobody said anything. By the time it got up to 16, there were 5 more people still in the elevator. I farted on my way out.
Mmm_Booze: Sounds more like mission accomplished.
professor007: thank you. I ate cabbage earlier.
Mmm_Booze: Humanity developed Crop Dusting for a reason, because it's hilarious.
ajarofmarmalade: Crop dusting is like the internet of farting. Everyone can talk shit but no one knows who did it.
Mmm_Booze: Brilliant.
| 6 | 43.166667 | |
1401224426 | 1401277524 | t3_26mzh9 | t5_2to41 | 85 | el_mr_juice: TIFU by making out with a lesbian
This happened a few years ago. My friend had invited me to a house party and these were all people that were not in my circle of friends. So i didn't know anybody besides my one friend but the party turned all right and I ended up having a good time.
At one point during the party, I go outside to smoke a cigarette and I see a cute girl sitting by herself so I approach her and start making conversation. We clicked right away, there was no awkward 'We just met' phase and she was laughing, there was flirting back and forth and so on. She pointed out that I was cute so I made my move and we start tongue wrestling.
It was probably a minute after when I hear a girl yell, "WHAT THE FUCK?" so I took my slobbery tongue out of this girl and look around to see what the commotion was. I see a girl walking towards me with a look on her face that I never want to see again. The girls start arguing and pay no attention to me so I skedaddle my way out of there to get more beer.
My friend finds me and lets me know that I just made out with the gf of the girl throwing the party and that they had just broken up. This girl never mentioned she had a girlfriend! and to make things worse, the house was pretty far from the city and everyone was too drunk to drive so the girl that cheated with me and myself had to spend the night in the house. Needless to say, the rest of the time there was pretty awkward because there was a lot of crying and yelling and I was just sitting there, not knowing anybody. I decided to sleep in my friend's car to make things less awkward for me.
The next morning I went inside to use the bathroom and as I'm walking out the door, the cheated on girl and I cross paths. Being the dumbass I am, I say "great party" She stays quiet for what seemed like an eternity and she only says, "get the fuck out of my house"
Im2c0oLx7: Was she hot?
Sex_Scientist: She was a lesbian, of course.
Im2c0oLx7: Still. Was she hot?
| 4 | 21.25 | |
1401227053 | 1401251840 | t3_26n3x1 | t5_2to41 | 5,764 | booger_dick: TIFU by teabagging my wife.
Sooo...roughly a year ago I was about to take a shower when I decided I wanted to listen to some music to make the mundane process more pleasant. I had already disrobed, so I walked my naked self into the living room to retrieve the computer. My wife was lying between the computer and me, on the floor, face-up, playing with our dog Bert. So I stepped around her, got the computer, then turned to head back to the bathroom.
Only this time instead of stepping around her, I thought it would be a lark if I pretended to teabag her as I walked by...you know, stand over her and squat a few inches then stop. We'd both share a good laugh at the thought of me tapping her chin with my scrote. You know, something all good husbands do!
So I walk back over, stand over her face, bend a few inches at the knee--
-- and I tear my quadriceps tendon.
EDIT: Thanks for the first gold ever, guys! And for taking my dumb ass to the front page :D
King____David: Teabagging level = noob
KingScrapMetal: He... stretched his chances.
reali-tglitch: I think that pun was a bit of stretch. I have a tendon-cy to be wrong, though.
KingScrapMetal: Let's make a *joint* decision here. He'll need some time to *heel* at the very least.
rave-onion: You guys are achille-ing me with these puns!
booger_dick: Guys, be serious, I almost crushed my wife's face with my butt. There's nothing humerus about this.
milkymoocowmoo: Yeah guys, let's keep it serious.
So OP, how schlong will it take to heal?
[deleted]: Yeah OP, weiner you going to be better?
dayvarr: I'm still shocked after hearing this cockamamie story.
Not_a_ZED: It's hard to believe, honestly. That's a really ballsy move.
whymustinotforget: Testicles
Not_a_ZED: Whoa now. That's just dirty.
ImSmartIWantRespect: Don't be a jerk off, stay on subject. Prick.
FrozenTaco5: This entire thread is just nuts.
android_charger: So what did she call your nuts on her chin?
anon_jedi: Call? It's just plain rude to talk with her mouth full.
| 17 | 339.058824 | |
1401227198 | 1401687064 | t3_26n46j | t5_2to41 | 2 | HappyCamper781: TIFU by thinking anti gun crusaders on reddit actually want to talk about positive change.
Psionx0: Maybe because every time a compromise is made the NRA and ammosexuals find a way to under mine that compromise. It took 10 years to get a director for the ATF. For the past 15 years the ATF has been horribly underfunded, so the laws that are already there can't be enforced (i.e. taking 10 years to finally get a gun shop that was clearly trafficking weapons closed).
You either don't know the history, or don't care enough about the history of gun control to realize your claim that "anti-gun crusaders" don't want to talk about positive change is false.
Finally, whose definition of positive change are we using? My definition of positive change would be instituting full on IQ/Mental Health/Background checks (probably far more thorough than we are using now) to keep guns out of the hands of idiots. I would also institute a yearly gun license check with minimum number of signed off hours at a gun range, and minimum hours of tactical training classes - if you're going to have a gun, you damn well better be well trained to use it (sorry, 10 hour hunter's safety courses don't cut it).
But I'm sure you wouldn't see that as a positive change.
HappyCamper781: I'm a California resident, strictest gun control state in the union, I believe. - Please explain to me how the rules you are proposing would help stop criminal use of firearms, and how it might have prevented the recent Isla Vista shooting.
Psionx0: I suggest you do some research and you'll probably figure that out on your own.
HappyCamper781: I looks like I did a bit more research than you did, Psionx0, more than you think I did, at the very least.
Psionx0: Probably not.
HappyCamper781: Oh really, by my analysis I just did.
| 7 | 0.285714 | |
1401227685 | 1401305693 | t3_26n507 | t5_2to41 | 198 | abootypatooty: TIFU by accidentally peeing on at least 2 dozen girls
So I was at a music festival this past weekend. In the bathroom areas hey had the usual rows of porta pottys, but in every row directly across from the porta potties were these awesome urinal walls. Basically just a long wall with a really shallow trough to pee on & a drain. It was a pretty great concept to cut down on the lines so that guys could just get in and out without waiting for a nasty bathroom. It was kind of awkward though because using it meant whopping your dick out and peeing while standing within a foot, in full view, of a long line of girls with serious penis envy waiting for the actual porta potties.
Anyway, the sun was going down and I wanted to take a piss before the next set I wanted to see. I walk to the porta area and theres a huge line of girls waiting for the bathroom...the line was running next to the pee wall. For those beta pee shy guys who use the stalls even when a urinal is open, this would have been a nightmare situation...but I'm pretty comfortable with public urination...so I strut on up to the wall with a smug smirk on my face as the girls look on with obvious jealousy while they perform their pee pee dances. Looking straight ahead, I unzip, and start to go.
It started as a fairly standard urination session, until I hear a guy behind me yell, "DUDE DON'T PISS IN THAT!." I had no idea what he was yelling about...I looked down and everything looked ok...no lava shooting from my dick or anything. I shrugged & kept going. However then I looked over to to my left. Well apparently the bathroom area was on a slight incline, so all of the pee ran towards the drain on one side of the trough. This drain had become clogged and was now almost overflowing with pooled urine. It was too late... I was past the point of no return and my piss stream was racing towards the clogged end. I watched in horror as the stream collided with the urine pool, and the trough immediately overflowed in a tsunami of piss. Remember that line of girls? Well the pee began to rain down all over the back of their legs. It took a couple seconds before any of them realized what was happening, but soon enough the screams began...a terrible symphony of screams. The girls began scattering & running around like a swarm of pissed off preteen bees who just had their honey comb snatched up by Pedo Bear. It was pretty chaotic. Meanwhile I'm in a slight state of shock & confusion and it was already too late cut off the stream at this point so I'm still going....piss is now pouring down on the ground streaming around everybody in line's feet. Everybody in the bathroom area now begins running trying to avoid the oncoming peenami. They began pushing and shoving people out of the way..some began jumping up and down in disgust, which resulted in a piss-soaked mud mixture splashing all over everybody else... As soon as I was finished I zipped up without shaking, and ran the hell out of there as fast as I could. On my way out, out of the corner of my eye I saw somewhere in the maelstrom some poor girl was pushed down face first into the urine-soaked mud...I didn't look back.
TLDR: Used a broken piss wall...peed on everyone.
**Edit**: since people seem to have trouble visualizing the setup, here's a sketch that should help http://imgur.com/eBqehw4
**Edit 2** Rear view of pee wall sans girls http://imgur.com/6TKIQL3
PenetratorHD: Need a paint diagram or something to understand the layout of this pee wall / porta pottie line
abootypatooty: http://imgur.com/eBqehw4
Does this help? All black dots are girls/people in line
PigsyDownAWell: The layout is pretty much how I imagined, I just need clarity one point:
"pee began to 'rain down' all over the back of their legs"
This sentence suggests that the pee wall was actually at a higher level than the ground. In my experience pee walls and their accompanying drain are usually a bit below ground level (maybe this is just a European thing?) Whilst I was reading your story I full expected you to say 'and pee ran under everyone's feet'. Your diagram (and very nice it is too) doesn't really give a sense of depth in that sense. What we could really do with is a 3D blender animation, I accept that this might not be likely to happen so can I just press you for a more thorough verbal explanation? Otherwise I WILL lose sleep over this. Thanks.
Edit: I just click on the below users link and if this is what your 'pee wall' looks like then this is the source of my confusion. I've never seen one like that at a festival before.
abootypatooty: The "trough" part of the wall was positioned about mid-thigh high...typical urinal height. It wasn't even a trough so much as a flat ledge coming about 3-4 inches from the wall, and a lip to catch/guide the pee towards the drain. I'm trying to find a picture but can't find anything like it...I've never seen one like it before. So just picture like an 8 foot high plastic wall, with a narrow ledge running along it at about urinal height to pee on.
PigsyDownAWell: Ah, that makes more sense. Odd setup to have at festival where cloggage is pretty much guaranteed. Made a hilarious story tho :D
| 6 | 33 | |
1401223119 | 1401291019 | t3_26mx7w | t5_2to41 | 33 | MMTT31: TIFU by farting around my fiancée
This happened yesterday but I didn't have time to post.
I'll start with a little background.
Me and my fiancée decide to take a trip to Disney World for memorial day weekend. On the car ride there we start to have a little war to mess with each other. I start by calling her "bae" and her by counterattacking by telling me "Oh yeah daddy". I hate being called "daddy" because it creeps me out and she hates when I call her "bae" because she say's it makes me sound like an idiot. She continues to call me that, so in retaliation I start to fart. The conversation that followed was this
Her: Eww you farted, you're so Gross
Me: Babe that wasn't me
Her: You're the only other one here!!! You fart monster.
I kept doing it and never owning up to it. So yesterday comes around and I fart in the hotel (we ate taco bell the night before) and I do my typical MO of not owning up to it. This is where I messed up. I had trained her to believe anytime a fart smell was around, that it was me.
Later in the day we get to end of the line for space mountain. The Disney cast member instructs her to go to spot 1 and myself spot 2 for the space mountain coaster. All of sudden she starts with a disgusted face. I ask her what's wrong. That's when the stench hit's in my mouth and goes up my nose. The kid in front of me farted while being about 5 inches in front of me. The whole time I am telling my fiancée that it wasn't me, she see's how sincere I am being but she see's the opportunity to win our little war by making a scene and making the girls behind us believe that I was the creator of the foul stench. I am there with fart in my mouth, girls behind me with their noses in their shirts and a smiling fiancée. I won the battle but she won the war.
tl;dr: I am marrying a girl with an amazing sense of humor.
scratcher-cat: With a girl like that you couldn't have fucked up that bad. :)
MMTT31: This is true. But somewhere in this world, we have two girls who probably think I fart sewage.
| 3 | 11 | |
1401229829 | 1401231229 | t3_26n8is | t5_2to41 | 32 | TheManhandler: TIFU and held my boss' hand
Okay I'll keep this short n sweet...
I was doing a one-off bit of voluntary work, and at the end of the shift the boss/manager came over to thank me.
Now when he did this, he held out his hand in a motion that I assumed was for a manly handshake. So I started to extend my hand out, but halfway out the trajectory of his hand changed and instead he went for a friendly pat on the shoulder. I was already committed to the handshake, and my hand found his as it dropped off my shoulder.
I was pretty disoriented by this point, and for some reason I only half commited to the hand shake, giving his a fleeting squeeze as he pulled away.
Maybe not as severe as someone killing themselves over me, but sheeit was it awkward
Username__Irrelevant: Username relevant?
TheManhandler: I very much did handle a man's hands
Username__Irrelevant: Oh, didn't think to check if it was a throwaway until just now, is it really enough of a FU to warrant that?
| 4 | 8 | |
1401225088 | 1401363949 | t3_26n0ly | t5_2to41 | 17 | ChicksDigEl0: TIFU By punching a dog
I live in Sweden and during the Winter, the lake near my house freezes over so you can walk over there. So my friends and i Always gather up and meet there. so we start talking and one of my friends Point at something coming at us really fast. i glance at the Place he's pointing thinking it's a kid playing. then i see a shepherd running at us. so we're all running and screaming for our lives. i'm fucking scared of dogs so i just run and almost shit myself. after running for 10-ish seconds i check my back and ofcourse this fucker chose to run after me, being the slowest one. i turn around knowing i cant outrun the dog. the dog stops right in fron of me and just looks at me with his mouth opened. me, being the retarded kid i am just start screaming and flexing my arms thinking if i stop he's going to eat me.
After im done being a retard i stand still and Think. the dog wasn't doing anything but as soon as i stopped it jumped at me. i reacted with the worst thing ever.. i punched the living shit out of it. after punching the poor thing it started running away and i felt really bad thinking i broke its jaws. one year later i see a dog looking like the one from back then and i walk up to it. turns out its the same dog. this time he's with the owner. we talk for a while, turns out this dog would never hurt a human and is just really playful. i start Crying and hug the dog. the owner looks at me like im crazy and asks whats wrong. i just keep my mouth shut thinking if i tell her she's going to sue me or call the cops.
Chas_the_Amoeba: At least you finally gave him some scratches OP
furutsu: What do you mean?
NotReallyEthicalLOL: At least he finally gave the dog scratches
furutsu: aaah ok I get it lol
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1401234968 | 1401235326 | t3_26ne7e | t5_2to41 | 17 | witchling_22: So act like it, grow a set, and ask her out.
jasoyang: OH DAMN TELL IT SON!
witchling_22: What's really sad? I'm a woman, and *my* balls are bigger than that. No need for games. Own it up.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1401233503 | 1401238442 | t3_26nei8 | t5_2to41 | 61 | Tteeny: TIFU by getting on the GSA's Homophobe list
So I am a member of my schools GSA and today they were having a conversation about how they find straight people kissing to be weird. I am on the straight side of the spectrum and priceeded to say that I have nothing against it, but find gays kissing to be weid. I then got yelled at, kicked out of the club, and was put on the GSA homophobe list for intolerant people.
[deleted]: they have a list?
they talk about straight people as weird?
they kicked you out for presenting an opinion?
they have a list?
it sounds like its best that your out. that group wasnt advancing social acceptance, they where just an echo chamber.
DastardlyGifts: They weren't even an echo chamber. They were promoting heterophobia. That's just as bad as homophobia.
[deleted]: your right but the echo chamber effect is very present here
DastardlyGifts: True, but that would mean that the ratio between gay to straights is tipped overwhelmingly to the gays.
[deleted]: not necessarily, as long as everyone agrees with your core ideas you can set up an echo-chamber that slowly stratify the members, but the number of gay/straight in the group would be interesting
DastardlyGifts: It's probably more likely though that the ratio between gays and straights is in the favor of gays. That's how it is in my school at least and the school I was previously at.
| 7 | 8.714286 | |
1401232285 | 1401252498 | t3_26ncmv | t5_2to41 | 40 | Dem_Fuzzy_Pickles: TIFU by being startled by my feet
I'm a guy who can handle most horror films/games. Imagine my surprise when, upon seeing my bare feet under my desk, I kicked immediately in reflex. This resulted in the bowl of soup resting on the desk to land directly on my crotch, as well as my gaming keyboard (much heavier than I thought.) I also now have to get a new keyboard, because this one was drenched with soup.
I was also chatting with someone at the time, and he cracked up laughing when he heard the sounds of soup and screams.
Username__Irrelevant: > Sounds of soup
Make an album, I'd listen to it if I was high.
palmtreevibes: Made an account just to give this what it deserves.
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1401239593 | 1401281798 | t3_26nnup | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by neglecting basic car maintenance. a PSA to change your oil regularly.
So a couple of weeks a go I was driving home from college in my "new" '99 Civic. I say new because I just got it last December after I wrecked my Escape on a patch of black ice. My oil light had been blinking on and off for a couple of days, but I've always changed my oil every six months with no problem and ignored it. About two hours into a three hour trip, I start to hear a clunking sound from my engine. I pulled onto the shoulder and continued at about 40mph. It eventually died on the side of the road where I waited an hour for my dad to come pick me up. We got it towed the next day and today I finally heard from the mechanic. The engine is trashed. I don't know how much it'd cost to replace it, (maybe $1000-$2000) but I really fucked up. I had this car for for five months and already pretty much totaled it.
The real shitty thing is I'm working with my brother this summer and he got T-boned by someone at an intersection. So now be both have no transportation but thankfully have been getting rides from our mom to work and our boss has to take us back.
Anyway, learn from my mistake and change your oil **as soon as you see the light come on** and avoid being that idiot who fucks up their engine by not changing the oil.
Tekallday: Honest mechanic checking in.(we are actually quite common, thanks for contributing to the stigma) Generally if you run a car out of oil to the point that it stops there will be damage caused to many components and it would probably be to your advantage to start fresh with an engine instead of paying for a tear down and rebuild. It may even be found that it is not repairable after the tear down.
tifu2013: Seconded. My dad and I had rebuilt my sister's engine (93 mazda miata) after she drove it with no oil for so long that it seized up. Her block was still good, but we had to get a new crankshaft, pistons and connecting rods. OP you have a common enough car that you should be able to find a used engine for less than the cost of a rebuild.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1401241545 | 1401308098 | t3_26nqub | t5_2to41 | 43 | inmyotherpants79: TIFU by playing WatchDogs after drinking a half gallon of laxatives.
For the last 48 hours I've been on a doctor ordered liquid diet before a colonoscopy. Clear liquids is a pain in the ass but today I had to take four laxative tablets and drink a half gallon of Gatorade mixed with 250 grams of Mira Lax.
WatchDogs arrived today at 11 am.
So I spent the majority of my day sitting on the toilet whole my husband got to enjoy the new game. I secretly hated him. Not only was he enjoying solid food and not spewing faintly shit scented water out of his ass... He got to play the new game. The game we ordered with the PS4.
Finally, at 9:15, I felt my stomach settle down. It was time. I ventured more than five feet from my new porcelain friend and sat down to game. It was wonderful. For ten minutes I played.
Then I sneezed.
I don't know if you know this but you cannot control your anal muscles while sneezing if you've been shitting yourself all day. You just can't. Suddenly my ass was very wet and warm. I knew what had happened. My need to play a game I've been waiting so long for had taken over in my mind and I'd shat myself.
I'm cleaned up now and headed to the game room to clean up the chair. Then I'm going to play some more.
ncef: Oh shit..
Sportnut101: It seems that OP has found herself in a shitty situation.
Username__Irrelevant: She just needs to move on; shit happens.
| 4 | 10.75 | |
1401241285 | 1401247782 | t3_26nqgy | t5_2to41 | 43 | mattatnoosa: TIFU After blurry night, Turning down FWB from attractive school friend.
Saturday night was my Birthday, Went out with friends, got really drunk, apparently danced with an old friend from school for hours.
Next morning roll over and see her lying in my bed, we talk, we both agree we didnt have sex last night. She offered Friends with Benefits. My response?
'This sounds like a trap...'
Ruined the moment, now just awkward friends.
**TLDR: No Birthday sex for me, or ever.**
asianiswhatiam: Flawless execution.
NoFapOverlord: Flawless Self-Cockblock
| 3 | 14.333333 | |
1401240522 | 1401578741 | t3_26np8n | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by forcing the relationship question with my "friend"
I'd been in a romantic and physical relationship with a girl since December. In all honesty, she's the most beautiful, coolest, and caring girl I've ever met, let alone been together with. I move away for school for the academic year, but we stayed in touch; she'd even come to visit me, meet all my friends, and slept in my bed for the weekend. But while we'd been together, we'd never discussed what we - us - mean, whether it's just something fun on the side or a real relationship; whether it was exclusive or just really casual. I love this girl, though I hadn't said it, and she'd reciprocated the affection, so I figured we'd be together once I got back home for the summer.
Then at a party where she was really drunk, I saw her all handsy with another guy. I dunno if they kissed but I'm pretty sure I saw it. And I felt awful. I didn't really have a right, seeing as we weren't explicitly exclusive, but that sight gnawed at me.
So I met up with her that week and asked her she thought - us - was. She acted confused, said that she didn't think we were exclusive, that I was being controlling and now won't talk to me. She said she would've liked an exclusive relationship with me but the "dramatic" way I brought it up after seeing her with another guy turned her off. Now I've lost a dear friend and the best thing that's ever happened to me.
TL;DR: Didn't communicate my expectations; lost a close friend and lover.
Submitterher: Uhhhhgg
We make me sick.
Girls search for a guy who is spontaneous and caring and shows real passion in us, she should have been flattered that even despite you seeing her with another guy all over her, you liked her enough to try to clear it up and push the relationship forward
I would bet my last buck that had she seen YOU being all touchy-feely with another girl, she wouldn't have waited to mention it you you, your make out session or whatever it was would have absolutely been interrupted by jealous, hurtful FORCEFUL words
That would have been a dramatic scene....
kepeca: Ummm that's a bit sexist.
There's nothing in her behaviour that's unique to women.
Submitterher: I would disagree highly
Only due to my personal experiences
kepeca: Too small sample size to generalize! :)
| 5 | 2 | |
1401242647 | 1401563468 | t3_26nsl8 | t5_2to41 | 349 | Danzig74: TIFU by letting reddit pick my tattoo
On Sunday, I thought it would be cool to post in ask reddit (yes I was drinking) about my new tattoo and get the tattoo of the top comment. Most people said I wouldn't follow through, but I did.
So today, I went and got the tattoo of the top comment. To my dismay, no one gave a shit on my post on pics, http://redd.it/26n43a , and I ended up with 0 karma points. Lesson learned!
The Tattoo:
http://imgur.com/a/2kBrG#Rcg9j3x
Iamatworkrightmeow: Now add a "U" to the front.
Uno ragrets.
Danzig74: Lmao. Thats good
JustEmptyEveryPocket: OP never learns.
back_nuked: Hence the 'danzig' user name...
| 5 | 69.8 | |
1401242934 | 1401263341 | t3_26nt24 | t5_2to41 | 24 | GodHatesStickBundles: TIFU and got caught
This just happened less than 10 minutes ago.
So I'm 18, and I've always been especially careful when masturbating to make sure I do it only when my parents are asleep or not at home. All had been well for the last 5 years, albeit with just a few close calls.
Well I came home from work and saw that my parents' cars were not in the garage. Just to make sure, I did a routine check around the house, even in my parents' room, even though this is almost never necessary, and unsurprisingly, no parents were found.
Well this was as good a time as ever to jerk it, so I go where I always do, which is kneeling behind my bed, and then look up porn on my phone. I initially was going to go headphone-less because of how sure I was that no one was home, but luckily I chose to play it safe.
Ok, so now I'm nearly about to finish, and all of a sudden I hear my door creak. "That happens all the time" I thought so I figured it was just creaking because it can. Nope! My mom walked in, and there was a very surprised initial reaction, followed by "oh, are you changing?"
"Uh yeah..." I said but I knew full well she knew what was happening. Good news is, she only saw my chest and above, but I did have headphones in and was clearly on my phone, a dead giveaway. I tried to convince myself that she may have actually believed it, but I know she's not that naive.
What made me more uncomfortable though, is the fact that she continued to talk to me about my work after stepping out the door, for at least 30 seconds. I know she was trying to play dumb, but it's not like I'm *that* gullible.
All in all, it could have been a lot worse. I could have been playing the porn full blast through the speakers or wanking right in front of her, but this is still overall a fuck up in my book with such a clean track record.
And no, I still have no fucking clue where she came from either.
thatlazydude: Soooooooo, did you finish?
Saphazure: op pls
| 3 | 8 | |
1401239942 | 1401252817 | t3_26nocr | t5_2to41 | 11 | TonySPhillips: TIFU by going from [1] to [9].
So this was Sunday night. I was at a friend's (we'll call her L) house because she invited me to a bonfire. I got there about 7 because what good is a bonfire during the day?
We roasted dogs and marshmallows, talked, had a few beers, talked some more. The sun went down and disappeared beyond the trees. I was having a good time, she was having a good time, her boyfriend (who we'll call J) was having a good time.
About 10, after the kids had gone in, and just the three of us were outside, watching the fire die, J suddenly exclaims, "Holy shit, I forgot I had this! Look, babe! This was in my cigarette pack the whole time!" I'm not usually the nosy kind, but when someone says that, I look.
L laughs, "Holy shit!", then turns to me, joint in hand. "Do you partake?"
I replied, "On occasion."
**This is where I first fucked up.**
You see, when I say something like "on occasion", I mean on special occasions. I do *not* mean "occasionally", like every once in a while.
Well, the passing order gets settled (him, her, me), and the weed gets sparked. After a couple of drags, I think I'm doing okay.
**This is the second fuckup.**
"I'm actually taking this pretty well," I think to myself, "I suppose I could take a few more tokes." So, for as long as the green exists, I'll take it when it's offered. **Six** decent drags later, and it's gone.
Not thirty seconds after L extinguishes it, I'm hit. I'm elevated off my chair, looking at the bonfire from above. I climb back down into my seat, and then I start to feel dizzy. "Okay, no problem," I tell myself, "I've been here before". And this is where things get crazy.
My legs and arms slowly go numb, like I'm being lowered into a vat of novocaine. This is slightly disconcerting, but I test my limbs to make sure. Yep, still working, I'm good.
By the time the numbness reaches my torso, I'm bitchslapped by cold sweats, all over my body like a facehugger from *Alien*. Now shit's getting serious.
I can't hold my eyes in focus, position, or open. Every time I manage to wrench my eyelids up, I'm darting from the fire to the tiki torches to the colored lights hanging from the tree, then I have to close my eyes again.
The numbness has spread all over, I'm drenched in sweat yet I'm freezing, and then I can't breathe properly. Have you ever seen a newborn kitten sleep? Have you watched their breathing pattern? That's what I was doing: sharp, short intake, long, drawn output. By this time, L was worried, or at least I thought she was.
"Hey, you okay?"
"Yeah." (while sounding like Miles Dyson in *Terminator 2* just before Cyberdyne blew)
"Alright, man, just a little concerned."
"I'm okay." Little did I know what was next.
I thought it was the end of me. I guess the numbness hadn't finished spreading, because I started going deaf. Everybody, including me, was heavily muffled. I knew I was saying things, but I didn't know what I was actually saying, or if it made sense. Suddenly, as if to say *but wait, there's more!*, the stomach cramps came.
If I had been laying in a bed, I'm sure my body would have snapped over double. As it was, I was in a camping chair, trying my best to recline. I sat straight up, opened my eyes as wide as possible, and tried my best to regulate my breathing. At this point, L was truly concerned.
"Seriously, are you alright, man? You need anything?"
I had entered confessional mode. I swore I was on my deathbed (or deathchair, if you prefer).
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that, I've never had that much that fast, I didn't know how bad it was gonna affect me."
"Dude, what?"
"Last time I smoked was New Year's Eve 2012, it was two hits off a pinner, and I was fucked up for hours."
"Dude, calm down, you're safe, you're okay, I'm here with you." She put her hand on my arm. I reclined back, squeezing my eyes shut, breathing like I was in Lamaze class.
My mind has a moment of brilliant clarity at this point of this situation. "You've got two options: throw up or pass out." I'm desperately trying to avoid both. But then, with a voice like an angel from on most high, L says what are apparently the magic words:
"Dude, if you gotta puke, just puke, it's okay."
Somehow I managed to gain the strength to move my legs apart, sit up to vertical, and open my mouth. The first salvo of stomach contents shot 5 feet in front of me, the second and third got diminishing distances.
By that point, J had bolted out of his chair and come around to the other side of me, making sure I was alive after that, and not some kind of victim of demon possession. "Hey, you gonna be okay? You want anything? You need some water?"
Through my hazy vision and waves of nausea, I managed a weak "Yeah". I lay back in the chair, blink, and ask L "What happened? How long has it been?"
"Well, you puked, and that was about a minute ago."
"Okay, so what happened between me asking for water and now?"
"I was trying to hold you up, but you said something about leaning back, so I helped you." I don't remember this. I tell her. J returns with a bottle of water.
In my weakened state, I have trouble twisting the cap,but finally manage it, and take a few tentative sips. Cold, life-giving elixir flows onto my tongue and out my mouth. I get a grasp on my situation and try again. Successful, I manage to drink the bottle in a decent amount of time, not too quickly.
Finally, I think I'm clear. Sobered up. Done flying. Then, I start going up again.
I grab the arms of my chair and breathe in measured breaths. The light-headedness and dizziness have returned. I lean forward. Nope, everything that was once in my stomach is now on the ground. Slowly, I regain control over my body. I'm alternating between weak and tired.
L asks if I want to go inside for a while. I agree and stand. I stumble a moment, but gain footing. We go inside, watch some TV, and then I'm feeling well enough to leave.
Total time from lighting up to going inside: 45 minutes.
And the worst part is what happened afterward.
**TL;DR - Accidentally kicked Warwick Davis in the nuts while trying to punt a rabid Chinese Crested away from my niece.**
Kehndy12: > And the worst part is what happened afterward.
What happened afterward? Maybe I'm missing something.
TonySPhillips: Whoops, thought I deleted that.
I deliver papers seven days a week. For me, the worst part was going home, getting an hour and a half of sleep, then having to wake up at 2AM to deliver newspapers.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1401239305 | 1401422506 | t3_26nnfd | t5_2to41 | 2 | Anon_Goes_To_Reddit: TIFU by sneaking a bottle into the club. Long read; I apologize in advance.
This happened a few years back actually but haunts me to this very day.
There is a college town about an hour away from the city where I live. I was fresh 21 at the time of my #$% up and an upcoming DJ in the surrounding area.
Almost a year earlier, when I was still 20, a friend of a friend booked me to DJ a charity rave/club event at a large venue. I opened up for two other DJs and my set went for about 2 hours. It was such a great set that they booked me again not even a year for another event for a different charity. And that's when everything went to hell.
So here I am with a couple of my best friends. We decided that I should sneak a bottle of jager into the club in my gear, as I had seen the 2 other DJs do it last year. No problem! So I'm DJing my set and everything is going smooth. I occasionally dip under the booth on this large stage to take a swig of my drink. About 3/4ths the way through my set, my friend comes on stage and tells me that someone has broken into the liquor room, and a member of the staff was assaulted. Being in the zone, I simply disregard this and continue my set.
My set ends, I'm happy it's over and I go onto the side of the stage with my bottle. I'm drinking and chatting with a girl when the owner of the club comes from behind a curtain and grabs me by the collar, telling me I'm going to speak with the cops about how someone BROKE A FREAKING BOTTLE OF VODKA OVER HIS SECURITY MEMBER'S HEAD AND RAN OUT WITH A BOTTLE OF JAGER. He grabbed the bottle out of my hand and threw it in the trash. My heart instantly sank. It could have been ANY OTHER BOTTLE and I would have been fine. Apparently there weren't any security cameras here, either.
So as we get to the front of the club I agree to talk to the cops. But being extremely trashed, young, and thinking I'm going to jail for something I didn't do, I end up sprinting back into the crowded dance hall. I grab the bottle from the trash can (too my surprise none of it had spilled), found two of my friends, and we hid under the stage and polish off a half a bottle in less than 15 or twenty minutes. My friend sneaks the bottle out of the club in his pants (not sure how he managed this) as I stumble back up front and proceed to blatantly lie to a cop. I make up a story of how a kid that looks like he was from Jersey Shore (this looked like all of the dudes at the club) came up to me and gave me the bottle. My two friends backed me up.
I was allowed back in the club to grab my gear and let off free of any charges. So I'm okay with the exception of being blacklisted from one of the best venues in the area. Very embarrassing story but I learned a strong life lesson about why alcohol sucks when abused.
TL;DR: DJed a charity club/rave event, snuck in jager, some kids broke into liquor room and stole the same sort of bottle I was drinking from, same kids assaulted a staff member with another bottle, and I got framed for it because I was too young and stupid to explain my side of the story.
grattas: What state ?
Anon_Goes_To_Reddit: Noneya
Dabadabado123: Then just fuck off. It's an important piece of information regarding possible consequences
Anon_Goes_To_Reddit: Hmmmm. By using basic logic you would understand that by looking at my user name and posting history that the intent of this account is to remain anonymous. For all I know you were there that night, because I guarantee that no other DJ has gotten in this much shit for bringing a bottle of jager in a club. You should take your own advice, asshole.
Dabadabado123: No one gives a fuck about your story if you're not going to share enough details
Anon_Goes_To_Reddit: Oh well
| 7 | 0.285714 | |
1401246611 | 1401283987 | t3_26nyi8 | t5_2to41 | 6 | OoPpQq123: TIFU by getting caught locking a disabled kid in the bathroom
chillpickle: Game of tips?? Wat?
OoPpQq123: Chasers (Tippers) run around and catch (tip) each other.
chillpickle: Ahh, sounds basically the same as what I know of as tag
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1401247165 | 1401303698 | t3_26nz94 | t5_2to41 | 41 | zhillzscaper: TIFU by asking why I never had a "Grad Party"
Today I saw an article on the news about kids graduating high school and having get-togethers. I got all teary-eyed thinking about my graduation, and I came to realize.... I never had a graduation party. I've already been feeling terrible for the last year or two because my family was never close, and I wish it was. So I decided to further my misery and post on my Mom's Facebook "Hey, why didn't I ever get a grad party?" And she responds, in front of every family member, and all my friends (that she decided to "friend" over the years) "You did. We threw you a party, but nobody showed up"..... Talk about a kick to the face while I'm already bloodied up on the ground.
lorenzo22: Why would you not remember your own party?
NotReallyEthicalLOL: If nobody showed it's not much of a party
| 3 | 13.666667 | |
1401251251 | 1401252254 | t3_26o4qa | t5_2to41 | 14 | pingpongpengo: TIFU by playing a prank on my 3 best friends
So me and my friend John, we were on Skype having fun studying for a test. Suddenly, John tells me of this super easy way to edit Facebook chats. While we're messing around with chats between us saying like "suck my dick" and etc., we suddenly get the idea to play a prank with this new trick on our 3 best friends, 2 of which recently became single (really dickish, I know).
But anyways, so there's Joseph, Sarah, and Claire. Joseph and Sarah were the ones who recently got out of a relationship. Anyways, so I edit chats between Sarah and me, and Claire and me. Now both of these chats were edited to saying things like "I like Joseph but don't tell him". And then I screenshotted my work.
So then I went to Joseph and started telling him about this, and of course he didn't believe me and wanted proof, so I sent him the pictures. And then shit went down.
He then starts telling me about he had sorta started having feelings for Sarah after both of them broke up, and now I'm feeling really bad because I don't want him to do something stupid with her because all 5 of us are really close friends. (John was dating Sarah before they split so now you can kinda see the vultures circling..)
Anyways, so I flat out tell him it was a prank by me and Joseph so he doesn't do anything stupid and boom it was a trap to get me to admit it. And then he tells Sarah and Claire.
Now, Sarah and Claire and get mad us. I don't really get too much of a yelling because everyone knows I pull stupid shit like this.(Sidenote: John and Joseph got in a sorta slap fight in which Joseph gets hurt and cries. Tensions rose from that because people made fun of him for crying, but Joseph and John try to put it behind them)
Now, John is getting all this shit thrown in his face for "giving no shits about his and Sarah's old relationship" and for "fucking with people too much and not taking the repercussions".
Yea basically I can't talk to Joseph, Sarah, or Claire anymore. All I have is John :'(
**Tl;Dr**: Don't fuck with your best friends, literally drives wedges because of a prank too far.
ShaneUmlauts: Jesus Christ, I do not miss high school.
pingpongpengo: pretty much gg for that social circle lol
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1401249720 | 1401352741 | t3_26o2uq | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by walking to Tim Horton's with some friends at 2 am
On this particular Friday (Last Friday) night me and a couple of friends were staying over at my friends house. We had been drinking all night, so we were all pretty stupid at this point, and one of us decided that we should go to Tim Horton's for a coffee and doughnuts. So this may not seem like to bad of an idea, right? Wrong. At this point in the night there are no cars on the road what so ever, the entire town looks deserted.
So here's where the problem occurs.
To get to the Tim's we had to go through a residential development, which is a no-trespassing area, now at the time It just seemed like a good idea to just go through instead of going all the way around but that might just be us. Anyway, as we're walking through we see a car moving slowly on one of the roads further down in the construction site. At first, we think nothing of it. Then we realize that it's a cop car. One of my friends decides to book it into a under-construction house, because he assumes that the cops didn't see us. Being blind sheep at the time, we follow him to the second floor where we see that the car is now speeding down towards the house with a flash light shining into the windows. Me and my two other friends run down the stairs and out the back door. Now, we were already gone before we realized what had happened, but it turns out one of my friends, who was to drunk to react properly at the time, had fallen from the second floor and broke his arm on impact. The police caught him and now he is being charged (I think it's public intoxication and trespassing or something like that)
Now, we all apologized like crazy the next day to him, but he said he didn't want to hear it. He said we had to pay all of his charges for him or else he's going to tell the cops on us. So now, me and my two friends are stuck in this awkward situation and we don't know what to do..
flutterbuttershy: Gotta disagree with these guys, you bailed on your buddy. I'd buck up and help pay his charges. Regardless of him snitching on you or not. You were all there breaking the law. The least you can do is settle up your debt to him.
[deleted]: We didn't realize we were bailing on him, we thought he was right behind us!
flutterbuttershy: Yeah that shit happens but if he really is your buddy you gotta make fair. Don't be fair weather friends
| 4 | 2 | |
1401239530 | 1401273535 | t3_26nnrm | t5_2to41 | 10 | CannotLoadName: TIFU by playing osu
I opened osu! up in the middle class and music screamed out my school laptop as I forgot to turn off the volume.
license2mill: As an Oklahoma State fan I'm a tad confused. What is osu
ImShadow: [Apparently a music based game] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Osu!)
autowikibot: #####	
######	
####	
[**Osu!**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Osu!): [](#sfw)
---
>
>___osu!___ is a [freeware](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freeware) [rhythm game](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rhythm_game) originally for [Microsoft Windows](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Microsoft_Windows). It is written in [C#](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/C_Sharp_(programming_language\)) on the [.NET Framework](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/.NET_Framework). The game has also been ported to [Mac OS X](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mac_OS_X), [iOS](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/IOS), and [Android](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Android_(operating_system\)). Its gameplay is based on commercial titles including *[Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Osu!_Tatakae!_Ouendan)*, *[Elite Beat Agents](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elite_Beat_Agents)*, *[Taiko no Tatsujin](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taiko_no_Tatsujin)*, *[beatmania IIDX](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beatmania_IIDX)*, *[O2Jam](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/O2Jam)* and *[DJMax](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DJMax)*.
>====
>[**Image**](https://i.imgur.com/fkfP5PK.png) [^(i)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Osuungimped.png)
---
^Interesting: [^Ōsu](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C5%8Csu) ^| [^Ohio ^State ^University](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ohio_State_University) ^| [^Oregon ^State ^University](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oregon_State_University)
^Parent ^commenter ^can [^toggle ^NSFW](http://www.np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=autowikibot&subject=AutoWikibot NSFW toggle&message=%2Btoggle-nsfw+cht07i1) ^or[](#or) [^delete](http://www.np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=autowikibot&subject=AutoWikibot Deletion&message=%2Bdelete+cht07i1)^. ^Will ^also ^delete ^on ^comment ^score ^of ^-1 ^or ^less. ^| [^(FAQs)](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/wiki/index) ^| [^Mods](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/comments/1x013o/for_moderators_switches_commands_and_css/) ^| [^Magic ^Words](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/comments/1ux484/ask_wikibot/)
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1401256045 | 1401258190 | t3_26oa88 | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by shaving my pubes with an old razor
I usually never shave (not even my face), so you can imagine the jungle that had formed when i knew it was time to shave. I searched every cabinet and drawer and finally found a little razor blade that could fit on my razor. I got everything, and I thought I would be just fine. As soon as I start to shave, I knew this was a bad idea. At once you could see droplets of blood all around my pubic area. It was bad, but I had to keep going to make it even. Once I was done, I thought I was fine because no blood was coming out and I looked like I was twelve again. Today, I woke up and I have razor bumps everywhere - from my pubic area, to my testicles, even on my gooch (taint). I have never felt so itchy in my life, and I am taking finals the whole week. This is gonna suck...
Priest_Fondler: Rubbing alcohol. It won't help... but you'll remember not to be an idiot again.
CapedPotato: That's funny, I call my penis Alcohol too
| 3 | 9 | |
1401246816 | 1401316534 | t3_26nysb | t5_2to41 | 8 | gabedawg: TIFU Weight Lifting
So, I recently bought a new weight system for my basement, and one of the forty-fives has a notch where you slide it onto the bar. After scratching the bar into oblivion by trying to ware it down via spinning, I thought it was safe to put it back on. I put it on with a little bit of trouble, but nothing like before. Fast forward ten minutes when I'm done squatting and I'm ready to take the weight off. First comes the thirty-five and all the smaller weights, leaving the forty-five for last. I gave it a tug but it wouldn't budge. Then I pushed upwards and pulled, thinking the notch would be raised and it could slide freely, but no. Nothing would help it, not even the oil conveniently laying in the windowsill from installing the system. Well, I thought I might as well unload the other side and then go back, so I did. Then it happened-
While holding a thirty-five and forty-five in my hand, the bar began to tip because there was no weight on my side and still weight on the pushed out, other side. Well, I tried a fancy maneuver to grab the bar with the weighs, but ended up dropping both of the weights onto my foot and the bar still tipped over and created a deafening, metallic thud. Now there's a crack in my concrete floor and my foot is broken. The swelling has begun and my toes are all turning purple from the lack of blood. Just what I needed. Shortly after, my dad ran downstairs wondering what had happened and I told him, with some colorful vocabulary, that the weight was a piece of crap and it wouldn't come off... He walked over, put the bar back up, and slid the weight off with ease. Ahh, yes, thank you dad.
TL;DR Dropped weights on foot, Dad is hulk.
dassathroaway: I did the very same thing at my local gym, except i was unloading the bench press and, being a noob at the time, not thinking that the weight clamps were necessary. Took a few weights off of one side, turned to go put them away, and the bar starts to tip. I'm not exactly sure what happened next, but somehow the weights I was carrying, all of the other weights, and the bar ended up on the floor. Pretty much everyone in the weight room watched (and heard) it happen, too, so I tried the silent "laugh to myself about how stupid i am" maneuver before casually slipping out of the room to go hate myself in private lol.
gabedawg: Props for benching enough to tip it.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1401258794 | 1401261148 | t3_26ocw3 | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by making burgers with moldy bacon fat in them.
So I got some ground beef that was buy one, get one free at the grocery store. My plan was to cook burgers ahead of time so when I'm hungry I can quickly throw one onto a bagel, a bung, bread or rice or something for a snack which would be cheap and healthier than chips or ice cream.
So instead of just cooking them plain I decided to add chopped onions, cheese, hot sauce, ketchup, mustard... and some leftover bacon fat to give it a smoky flavour and some extra fat for a nice mouth feel.
Problem is, it was really old, and when I melted some it down, out floated a greyish greeny blob that smelled like dirt. Except, I had already added it to my bowl. Being the idiot that I am I didn't put two and two together and mixed them up anyways.
Now I can 11 burgers that smell like dirt that I have to either cook at eat, or cook and throwaway.
I'm afraid I'll either poison myself or they'll just taste like dirt.
Either way I've wasted about 7lbs of ground beef in the span of a few seconds, so I'm sitting here eating ice cream feeling like a fuckup.
WHO_FUCKED_UP: Wow that really sucks.
Throw it all away, and make sure you don't make the same mistake. You're bound to fuck up sometime, it could have been worse like "TIFU by serving moldy burgers".
[deleted]: They're in the trash now, except as a double fuckup I forgot we recently instituted a compost only and a trash only garbage policy in my city like 1.5 months ago and I've been out of the country for two weeks.
Guess what bin I put the half cooked hamburgers in?
I'm so angry at myself right now.
WHO_FUCKED_UP: ... Well shit. At least that's the end of that, right? RIGHT?!?!
[deleted]: My parents are probably going to yell at me for putting it in the wrong bin.
I just want to go to bed now.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1401257802 | 1401345069 | t3_26obyf | t5_2to41 | 104 | slipnshit: TIFU by going to the McDonalds restroom barefooted
So I had this pair of DC shoes for a good 18 months. I loved them. They were pretty trashed but I still wore them everywhere I could get away with it, because I found them comfortable and practical. There is a running joke in my family that I wear shoes for too long past their death and my Aunty is always the one to throw them out.
I was visiting my Aunty with my parents on Sunday when she discovered I still had this blue pair of DC shoes. She had tried to dispose of this exact pair numerous times before without success, but I was in her domain now. She took them from the door before I left and with a harrowing smile cut them up and threw them into the bin. She said "you only have to walk to the car and up the stairs when you get home, you'll be right". It was raining pretty heavily outside so when we left I took my socks off and ran to the car barefooted.
My parents and I carpooled because we were all going up for dinner anyway. I sat in the back of the car and my parents drove. We were about halfway home when I got that familiar "you've been drinking beer and coffee for the last few days" diarrhoea urge. I knew I wouldn't make it home. I made my parents stop at a McDonalds restaurant so I could use the restroom. My plan was simple; walk in, do my business, walk out, and wash my feet in the rain before re-entering the car.
So I get out of the car and run into the restaurant at a pace so nobody can kick me out in regards to dress code. I enter the males restroom and there is another man at the urinal. No problems. I'll just walk past him into the cubicle. But this sick sick idea of Karma for something I must have done ten years ago wouldn't allow it. While trying to slow down from my entrance I slipped over on the tiles because my feet were wet from outside. I smashed my head on the vanity/sink and proceeded to hit the ground with a thud AND run into the man using the urinal. To make matters worse, anyone who has experienced diarrhea before will know that a sudden jolt will empty your colon at will.
So here I was, lying at the feet of a pissing man with blood on my head and a pool of beer-coffee-shit in my pants. I got up straight away seeing as I didn't have to shit anymore and left the restroom. I waddled outside the restaurant to prevent dropping beer-coffee-shit all over the floor where people were eating. My underpants did a pretty good job of containing it.
When I got outside I sat in the rain and cried. My parents came over and I explained what happened to them. They laughed until they discovered we were only halfway home and I needed to sit in their car again. I went behind the complex and took off all of my clothes. I used the rain to sort of wash the remaining shit from my lower body and then wrapped myself up in a towel mum had in the boot. I didn't speak for the entire car ride home and went straight to bed when we arrived.
I don't care if the mods have to reset the timer. I needed to share this with someone.
**TLDR:** I slipped over, shit myself, split my head over and disturbed a urinating man all in one swift movement.
HeartAndFist_: What I got from this story is your aunty is a horrible person.
lookatthisthrowaway3: This, dude. You should be pissed at her.
ohlookahipster: You should piss on her.
FTFY
| 4 | 26 | |
1401259074 | 1401300336 | t3_26od4w | t5_2to41 | 14 | Runswith151: TIFU by paying some chicks rent with the last of my money when I don't have a job
So she has a kid, was going to be evicted an I told her I'd pay her rent. I don't have a job just got divorced and moved a different state away into my parents house (I'm 20 years old), I used the last of my money to pay her rent. I've known her for a while but I doubt I'll ge paid back. God Damn I need some karma for this shit. Not your useless internet karma either. Whatever, I'll be the one in the corner getting fucked up.
TL;DR Dumb mother fucker pays rent cause, actually, for no fucking reason.
Follow up: She paid up, fuck yes.
donaldtrumpwinning: I'm sure she appreciates it more than you know. You did good. Any chance at a relationship with her and how much was it?
Runswith151: $748 yeah a chance forsure but she's been fucked over A LOT in her past, I'm the first good guy to come around. Very closed off, I don't blame her....
Submitterher: For goodness sakes, don't let her friendzone you
Runswith151: That's would be some shit wouldn't it
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1401260366 | 1401267961 | t3_26oe8u | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by throwing poo at a party. I posted this in r/AskReddit but was told to come here.
agentlame: Removed; obvious troll: http://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/1lrd01/i_got_invited_to_a_party_for_the_first_time_and/
WHO_FUCKED_UP: Everyone in the story sounds so FUCKING typical it almost hurts. All the characters and shit (literally). Even if this story was real...I don't know.
agentlame: Buut, but, Jake and Jenny. And Jocks... and that English teacher no one likes!
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1401284918 | 1401300642 | t3_26oekg | t5_2to41 | 7 | Strikeoutboy: Milk is an acid
Submitterher: You're an acid
Username__Irrelevant: you're on acid.
But seriously; I hear vodka works?
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1401252859 | 1401376464 | t3_26o6pj | t5_2to41 | 27 | onemoreabbi: TIFU by having the best 24 hours of my life. wall of text inc. :/
FYI there is a TLDR at the bottom, but i dont think it can sum up the experience entirely. Apologies to grammar nazis also.
So in the midst of the bustle that comes with a vacation town like we were in, I saw her. I was sitting with my friends and she was across the pool, reading a book. Already I was intrigued. Intelligence is a big turn on for me. I am sure I was close to having an eye injury trying to figure out what language the book might have been written in. I would never have walked up to her and talked to her, I'm sure her boyfriend had to be around somewhere. In my mind there was no way a beautiful woman like that would just go on vacation by herself, especially to a place like the city we were in. This was a place filled with mostly naive, young Europeans, and aggressive Turkish men. I could tell by how she carried herself that she was completely comfortable with herself, subtly emanating confidence. I had guessed she was northern European, but as i have little to no experience with northern European culture i had no idea how to start a conversation, even if i wanted to. I forgot about it and moved on.
Later on the next day, we all went down to the beach. Honestly, we were just being dumb Americans and going to see the boobies. When we made a slow and lazy walk down the beach, we found a seat and just took sat down and relaxed.
We started talking, joking, and just having a good time with our loud American mouths. Then my Turkish friend pointed out "the girl from our hotel". He pleaded with me telling me that she's here alone, and I need to go talk to her. I looked over and she was glistening in the sun. She had a beautiful, tan body. She was reading the same book from yesterday, and again i tried to see if it had a lick of English in it. I came to the conclusion that it did not. I started to lose the confidence my friend filled me with. Then she put a New York Yankees hat on. It clicked that she probably knew English, and was at least kind of a fan of western culture. I decided that if she was disgusted and told me to "go away creep", that nothing was lost, as i would never see her again. At the time, I didn't think that what I had forged as my armor, would turn into my pain.
I walked up to her and jokingly asked her if she happened to be American, while smiling and extending my hand to shake hers. She laughed and said "Finnish actually", but she did speak English, and that where she comes from they must learn a lot of different languages. She told me she thought she recognized me from the hotel and asked if we were staying in the same hotel, which we were of course. After that we just made a bit of small talk, asking the right questions. Then i sensed a lull in conversation, and I decided that i was on the brink of staying too long. She wants to relax and be by herself, not be bothered by obnoxious Americans. I told her id let her get back to her book and excused myself. I felt really good, it went well. My Turkish friend was beaming as i came back. I could tell he was proud. We got up and decided to walk around and have a few beers.
When we on our way back my friend told me that if she was still there when we got back to the rest of our friends, that i should ask her if she has any plans for the night. He encouraged to make her feel welcome to come along with us that night. I agreed, and of course she was there when we got back to our friends. I stopped by her chair and just told her that if she wanted she can hang out with us later on. I sensed a tinge of excitement as she decided that it sounded like a good idea. I don't want to think i looked like a 12 year old who just asked a girl to a dance, but i probably did.
That afternoon, my friends were trying to fill me with confidence. While inside my own head I was wondering what we were going to talk about when she came down stairs. I asked my other friend, and he gave me the best advice. He told me to just talk to her, like we were talking. Just get to know her, like she is regular human being. When she came back from the beach she told me that she would be back down in a few hours to the gym, and asked me if i would still be here. Naturally, I said i would be.
As me and my friends were just talking about the stories from the night before, I felt the anticipation building in my mind. When she did come down, she was still in her bikini with a towel covering most everything. I walked over to greet her as she was buying some ice cream. We sat down next to the pool, and made conversation.
She explained that she had been on holiday for a while, traveling through quite a few countries. She asked me what i did for work, and why i was in Turkey. I explained that i was American military and i was stationed in southern Turkey and we were up here for vacation. I asked her how her English was so good. I was used to the southern Turks who speak broken English, then she told me that she is fluent in 4 different languages, and that she was going to study to become a nurse when she returned from her vacation. We talked for a while about various differences between European and American culture. Then my friends started getting hungry and we all decided to ge eat at this nice restaurant down the street.
As we were headed down there i couldn't help but be curious what her intentions were for the night. She had explained that she didn't enjoy partying and dancing and stuff, and i didn't know much else to do in this city than exactly that. But i figured we would just see how everything went.
At dinner, we were having a couple drinks, and my one friend was a little more intoxicated than the rest of us. He was making hilarious jokes and being loud. I was expecting her to be a little put off, maybe even annoyed, but she just kept laughing and seemed like she was having a great time hanging out with us. We then started talking about plans for the night, and i brought up the idea of karaoke. Much to my dismay, she thought that sounded like a great idea. Now I was forced to make a fool of myself, and sing some stupid American music. So we paid and started walking up the hill past the hotel. As we were walking she told me how relieved she was that the Turkish men were much less vocal when she was walking with another man, instead of just by herself. I'm not going to lie, that made me feel pretty good.
While at the karaoke bar we were having a great time. I started off the fun with "Sweet Home Alabama" one of my personal favorites. I felt so self-conscious, but i pushed past it and decided i was going to have fun whether i was an idiot or not. We kept singing different songs. Some funny, and some slow. Overall the karaoke was the most fun i had had all weekend. After a while i stopped singing and let my considerably more inebriated friends sing their hearts out. I stayed at the table and tried to make more conversation with her. I explained my favorite hockey player was from Finland, but she didn't know who he was. Though she did know who a few were, and even surprised me when she mentioned a "racecar driver" who is always in the media for good things and bad. I immediately guessed Kimi, the former World Driver Champion. She looked surprised that i knew who that was. I considered it a compliment. I then told her how i was trying to learn a little Turkish, and she seemed to appreciate my effort to be polite to the people of turkey.
Our conversation started getting a little more intimate and she asked me about my tattoo. I decided to be honest and explain that i have my daughter's name tattooed on my arm. That brought about a whole new set of topics.
I explained that I am divorced and have a beautiful little girl back in California. I explained that the divorce was civil, and we just grew apart and decided to end it. She seemed to respect that. I then asked her a few questions about why a beautiful woman like herself would spend so much time travelling by herself. She explained that it was nice to not have any drama, and just be able to relax. I was extremely envious, she made it sound amazing. Next thing i knew, I was explaining to her that under no circumstances would i ever consider having a long distance relationship, but if i did I would have pursued exactly that. She laughed and told me she couldnt have agreed more. It was rediculous how easy talking to her was.
I was having a blast, but i knew the morning would be coming soon. After the karaoke had died down, and my friends were continuing to keep the drinks flowing, she made it known that she was getting tired and was ready to go to sleep. So i made the arrangements for paying our pretty pricey tab. She and I had not been drinking as much as the other three, but we had our share none the less. As I was walking her back to the hotel, she asked me where my room was, and i told her that it was at the very back and top of the hotel a little isolated from everything else. Then she said ever subtly "So do you wanna go back to mine then?" In my mind, i was elated and wanted to yell at her for not asking sooner, but on the outside, out of nowhere i just replied "sure". I don't know how i kept my mind from literally imploding, or how i managed to act like it was no big deal, but thankfully, i did.
When we arrived, I felt self-conscious all of the sudden, and didn't know what to do. So i did the only thing i could think of and stepped out on to the balcony. I just looked out over the town, and couldn't help but feel like i owned the place. I felt like an adult for probably the first time in my life. I wasn't wasted, I just felt extremely happy. I took a moment for myself on the balcony and just took in the whole night in one breath. It had been an amazing experience, and i knew id be greedy for expecting anything more. When I finally did turn around, She was busy cleaning up her room and and moving things around. She also happened to only be wearing the button up shirt from that night and panties. Again, i was so flustered, but somehow i kept calm. I walked up to her and kissed her. She did not kiss me back, and actually pulled back and looked me dead in the eyes and said "im not sleeping with you tonight we are just going to actually sleep". For a second i believed her, then I decided it didnt matter. I simply said "that's ok too" and undressed to my underwear and laid in bed. She took off her shirt and then laid next to me apologizing for being on the phone, but she explained she was pulling Facebook up. She handed the phone to me and told me to find myself. Of course the internet was being unresponsive, and didn't pull up any results.
After she made an alarm so we could wake up for breakfast she laid down. I moved over and just caressed her for a few moments until i decided to try my luck again. I kissed her, and again was rejected. I asked her what i was doing wrong, and she hilariously told me i kiss like a Turkish salesman: too aggressive. I calmly asked her to show me how it's done then. What followed was the most sensual build up to the most amazing kiss i have ever had the privilege of being a part of. She kissed me everywhere on my torso and slowly purposefully kissed me on the lips. Then it hit me. She was right. This moment wasn't for rushing. Neither of us were going anywhere. She wanted to just enjoy it, and let it happen gradually. I realized that I the slower i went the more amazing it was. I kissed her lightly on her neck, and worked my way down to her naval. I was just taking in the moment the entire time. What followed was the stuff of legends. I don't want to say that we were making love, because we had just met that day and everyone knows that's not possible right? However, i couldn't help but think of it as something more, at least to myself. I knew i would be cherishing that moment for the rest of my life.
Once we were spent, we laid there. She was lightly caressing my chest. It felt comforting, so i returned the favor by lightly caressing her hair and cheek. There wasn't much pillow talk, but she did tell me how it actually takes a lot of effort to not speak in her native tongue during sex. I couldn't help but laugh and explain to her that it would have been welcomed, usually you can tell if you're doing something right by the tone not the words anyways. I didn't realize how tired i was, and reluctantly fell asleep. Looking back, I wished I had stayed up and just enjoyed being there. When the morning came I awoke as the sun was rising and was again at a loss for what i was "supposed" to do. After all she was still on vacation by herself, and probably didn't want any drama or feelings involved any more than they already were. So i decided to kiss her lightly on the head and explain to her that i needed to take a shower before breakfast. I asked her if i would see her at breakfast and she told me she would be down later that morning.
I showered, and got dressed in my room. I made my way down to the beach. I stood at the edge of the water and just reflected on everything for a few moments. I couldn't believe everything that happened. I felt the apprehension gripping me. I felt it pulling me down into reality with it's icy cold hands. I fought it, but there are some things in this life that you just can't change. It is an almost painful feeling of helplessness when you have no control over the circumstances. In another place, at a different time maybe things could have went differently. Maybe things could have worked out. But at that moment, i didnt even have "maybe" to hold on to. I would never see her again. The cold relentless truth.
I waited for her at breakfast but she never came. I stupidly went to her door, and knocked. She answered and apologized but she was tired, and asked if i was going to go the beach later with my friends, and i explained that we were leaving for home in a couple hours. She replied that if she didn't catch me before we left that she enjoyed meeting me. I replied with the same of course, and walked away listening to the crushing finality of her door closing.
The past couple days has been a roller coaster of emotions. I was so happy to have experienced what i did, but it almost felt like a double-edged sword. I was writhing with pain at the notion of not ever getting to know her more. I learned a very hard lesson standing on that beach. I learned that free will means nothing in the hands of fate. Because fate is a ruthless bitch at times.
I lived the life for a day and I will never regret it, but i will always hold a small grudge towards fate when looking back on those moments. Even though I cant spell her last name apparently, I am not hoping this will somehow find her. I write when im feeling overwhelmed with conflicting emotions, and I figured this story was just too good not to share it with the world. It's probably one of those "you had to be there" kind of things anyways.
TLDR: TIFU, I had my heart broken by fate, and swept under the rug by a beautiful woman from Finland.
LinkySunland: Im from Finland, if you have any other information about her I can try and do some light stalking for you :]
onemoreabbi: haha no thanks, im sure for her it was nothing more than a fun night. She knows my name, and it is not hard at all to spell. If she wanted to add me on fb, im sure she would have. I appreciate you reading it though.
curlyq222: Might not be easy for her if English isn't her first language! I know you said she's fluent...but benefit of the doubt. English is a tricky language to write in and she might not know how!
onemoreabbi: haha She was very smart, and a worldly person. My first name is a male version of hers, so i know she could spell that, and my last name also happens to belong to someone who was once very famous, and it is quite generic im afraid. I promise, she could have found me if she wanted to. I have moved on, and am accepting it as a lesson to keep looking forward and exploring outside of my comfort zone. Im sure ill find the same happiness or better with someone else.
curlyq222: Good! At least you can just accept is as a a good experience and at least be happy that you had it
| 6 | 4.5 | |
1401260699 | 1401283665 | t3_26oek3 | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by punching a window on a train and breaking my hand (and the window)
So i got on the train as normal after work to go home.
Rushing to try to get to band practise early.
Train goes off in an odd direction on a different train line.
Train stops.
"Train control has made a huge mistake. This train is now going to [some place]."
We get to the next station and everyone gets off.
I try to use the intercom button to ask the driver where we are.
Some guy next to the intercom gets shitty at me. "Didnt you fucking listen to the announcement?"
I stupidly punch the window of the train, much harder than i intended to, breaking it.
Immediately my hand is in agony, i look at it and its very obviously broken.
Got on the bus to the hospital.
Got xrays. Doctor says its badly broken and potentially might need surgery.
Hand/wrist is in plaster.
So not only did i not get to band prac, i cant play guitar for at least 8 weeks, forcing us to cancel a bunch of shows.
Plus i dont know how im going to be able to go to work with this.
Dont punch things if you value the use of both of your hands.
Fuck.
lorenzo22: Perhaps anger management would be a good idea with your newfound downtime?
planisphaaerium: I think youre onto something my friend
| 3 | 8 | |
1401265717 | 1401320991 | t3_26oift | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by making fun of a Bandito
This happened a few years ago.
For those that don't know a Bandito is a motorcycle club. You just don't mess with em period, like most real motorcycle clubs.
I tattoo, and deal with them from time to time. If you are respectful and nice no problem, they're nice enough if you don't fuck with them.
But I fucked up by being absentminded. One was in the shop lookin tough as shit while his girl was getting tattooed. We all go out for a smoke break, idly chit chatting and the such.
Well he had a club shirt on, the normal attire, the 1% tattoo yadda yadda. We're standing around bs'ing when another unfamiliar tattoo artist asks what his shirt means.
His shirt only read BFFB. I knew what it meant but I wasn't thinking. (It means Bandito Forever Forever Bandito)
I exclaim before anyone could answer "Best friends forever buddy!!" And chuckled like it was nothing.
Silence ensued, dead silence. I then realized the ass I made out of myself. I meet eyes with the guy and he looks pissed the fuck off, just staring at me with arms folded menacingly.
I tried to kinda laugh it off with the other guys as someone states the real meaning but to no avail. So I just put my head down and shut the fuck up for the rest of the cigarette.
He glared at me the rest of the time he was in the shop. Soooo now I'm on some random Bandito's shit list- not a good place to be.
TL;DR - Made fun of a motorcycle club's mantra, waiting for the hit on me now.
lookatthisthrowaway3: RIP in peace
StopSayingRIPInPeace: Stop it.
AlwaysSayRIPinPeace: Don't listen to him
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1401279782 | 1401321501 | t3_26ou7d | t5_2to41 | 65 | trentfrompunch: TIFU by telling work grandma died, when they knew she didnt.
Basically what happened is I took the day off yesterday and thought it was a great idea to call in saying grandma died. What I didnt think through is my brother works for the same company. Once the message got through to the bosses he told my brother hes sorry to hear the news and is free to go home if he needs. My brother replied with 'what? I dont have a grandma the last one passed away 10 years ago'
I got a written warning this morning.
Makoaddict: Today, your brother fucked up by not going with the flow and getting a free day off work.
cleaner007: at least, he had to let some tears
| 3 | 21.666667 | |
1401281007 | 1401363272 | t3_26ovlt | t5_2to41 | 2,466 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my three year old nephew to "touch me"
My sister invited the entire family for dinner, so I decided to go a few hours early to help her with the cooking. When we were almost done, she told me that she will take care of the rest and asked if I could clean her son up so he's not all messy when everyone arrives.
When he hopped into the bath, I asked him if the water is too hot. He said it was too cold. So I warmed it up a little bit and he said it's "more cold now". What? This kid still doesn't know the difference between hot and cold. Dangerous. So I decided to have a go at teaching him.
He said "This water is cold".
"No it's hot now. This water is HOT", I said.
"OK.. I'm cold"
"No you are hot.. HOT.."
I added some cold water to cool down the temperature.
"Now you're cooler"
"Yes.. I'm not cold anymore"
"No you aren't *hot* anymore. Not **HOT**, now you are less hot, OK?"
I ran my hands under the tap. One under hot water and one under cold water.
"Here touch my hand." He touched the cold one. "This is cold". He touched the hot one. "This is hot". I tested him. He got it right.
Dinner time. Nephew gets up and walks to his dad. "Touch me daddy". Everyone's a bit surprised but we all laugh. He's still learning how to say things. No biggie.
His dad asks why.
"Because I'm hot". High temperature? Dad puts his hand on his forehead. Normal.
"No! Touch me *here*." What? "I'm hot"
Everyone's getting a bit concerned.
His mum asks "Honey, where'd you hear that?"
"Canttoouuchthis told me."
Everyones faces drop. Then I realise what he's talking about.
I explain to everyone. Reasonable right? Nothing dodgy here.
Nope. Mum asks nephew more questions.
"Honey what did he say?"
"He saaaiid... touch me! And he was hot and cold and hot and cold!"
Sigh of relief. It makes sense.
"And he said I am hot.. HOT!! Then he said touch me!"
Everyone looks at me. I explain myself again. They're still looking at me. I'm very surprised and actually kind of annoyed that they suspect me of something. I get more and more upset. they ask us both questions. Eventually voices are raised and I snap and storm out.
Few hours later I get a text.
"Dont ever set foot in this house again until we get to the bottom of this"
WTF????????!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously.. How can they accuse me of something like that??? And expect me to be normal about it??
What should I do?
_Sasquat_: Tough position to be in because getting pissed and defensive makes you look worse.
All you can do is calmly explain that you noticed while bathing him their kid is too stupid to understand the difference between hot and cold, and all you did was try to teach him the difference.
This isn't even that hard to resolve. If they think you were asking him to touch you inappropriately, all they have to ask him is, "Where did he ask you to touch him?" If this little dumbass points to your dick, then you're jolly well fucked.
Davey_Jones: Hijacking top comment to drop this info. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fL9RmVtMP0
exultant_blurt: I'm conflicted about this. I empathize with the men, but also I once had a guy expose himself to me on a plane while I was traveling unaccompanied on an international flight. I suppose if the airline is going to have that policy, they should just not seat males next to unaccompanied minors in the first place. I don't really know what the solution is more generally speaking.
jayessaych: You can't judge a gender by an individual. You're criminalizing just being born male. Women can be scumbags, too.
exultant_blurt: There aren't any definitive studies about the number of female sex offenders, with some saying they comprise less than 5% of all sex offenders, and others saying the number is more like 60%. What's known is that the vast majority of perpetrators are not strangers, but trusted individuals in the victim's life. But female sex offenders victimizing children with whom they have no prior relationship is virtually unheard of, and the same cannot be said for men.
[deleted]: If you want to play statistics, then children are more safe sitting by a stranger than their parents.
> But female sex offenders victimizing children with whom they have no prior relationship is virtually unheard of, and the same cannot be said for men.
Are you sure about that? I can bring up plenty of cases that show otherwise...
exultant_blurt: Please do.
[deleted]: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2639602/Female-babysitter-jailed-27-years-sending-sick-videos-abusing-one-year-old-child-man-met-online.html
Wow, it is so unheard of I found a case of it from fucking today.
exultant_blurt: This is a case where there was a prior relationship between the victim and the offender. The question was whether there are female pedophiles who sexually assault children who are unknown to them.
[deleted]: For good measure...
http://www.idahopress.com/news/crime_courts/caldwell-woman-charged-with-lewd-conduct-with-a-child/article_1ff740c4-4ba1-11e1-9121-0019bb2963f4.html
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2012/06/26/oklahoma-woman-charged-with-lewd-acts-with-minor-in-tanning-booth/
http://www.idahostatejournal.com/news/local/pocatello-woman-accused-of-lewd-conduct-with-a-minor/article_2263b0b6-1b4a-11e3-824c-0019bb2963f4.html
http://sacramento.cbslocal.com/2011/09/19/wheatland-woman-accused-of-lewd-conduct-with-teen-boy/
exultant_blurt: Again, there's only one case among those where we know the victim and offender did not have a prior relationship, and none of the articles talk about convictions, only charges. Sensationalist news stories with minimal details are not proof of some kind of epidemic. Where are the statistics? Where are the scholarly studies?
[deleted]: Who ever said it was an epidemic?
Treating all men on planes as child molesters and all women as not is pretty asinine when you consider that the vast majority of molestation occurs between family members. Do you think that planes should not allow family members to sit next to their children? Where is the logic?
exultant_blurt: Are you kidding me? You've been saying that it's unfair to men to not seat them next to unaccompanied minors on planes because that's treating them like criminals, and your justification is that women pose a risk too, and yet you're having a very hard time finding the statistics to back that up.
I said much, much earlier that victimization of children by adults who are unknown to them is a special case. It's really stupid to say that family members shouldn't sit next to their children on planes using the same logic, as though those same adults *only* have the opportunity to molest their children on planes.
[Anyway, South Park did a whole episode on this.](http://www.southparkstudios.com/full-episodes/s04e16-the-wacky-molestation-adventure)
[deleted]: Statistics show lots of things. Statistics show that women are less likely to work overtime. Does that justify lower pay to all women?
exultant_blurt: Oh my God....
| 16 | 154.125 | |
1401280184 | 1401285766 | t3_26ounj | t5_2to41 | 7 | justfortifu: TIFU 15 mins ago (NSFW)
Long time TIFU lurker, I've got many to share....
But tonight...
Had a few beers with the wife.
Headed to the bedroom for some fun. She came back to the room after using the bathroom.
I had some Deftones playing. Our fun time music mostly.
I decided to head downtown to get things started.
She remnants of TP stuck to the V.
I mentioned it we both laughed it off.
Went to town for awhile, she was enjoying it
Then we decided I'd stay south and she would head north (69).
Things were great!
Then....
P went to V and I instantly became an asshole over the TP issue from earlier.
I love my wife but now I sit here well... frustrated.... Ladies are crazy :/
Submitterher: I'm confused as to why you had a laugh earlier, but got mad after?
SurelyOPwillDeliver: Agreed, this makes zero sense
Submitterher: How many times have you been a disappointed product of your username?
In my experience, OP generally does not deliver
SurelyOPwillDeliver: Too many to count, thus this username was born xD
Submitterher: What a beautiful evolution
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1401282427 | 1401298369 | t3_26oxbh | t5_2to41 | 43 | OnyxEcho: TIFU by letting my friend know my reddit account
I broke a golden rule. A,d I terribly regret it. It all started today when we began our first class. We are one week from graduation so we do absolutely nothing in first hour. We browse reddit everyday, including this sub. Well I tell him that my Kinect picked up hand motions last night while I was laying in bed. I show him the video, and I tell him it's my pillow that usually makes the Kinect act weird, speaking it is registered as a guest on the console. I tell him I have a picture of it as a guest that I posted to /r/xboxone. The reason I'm showing him on the subreddit is because I have a new phone, so that's self explanatory. I told him to let me see his phone so I can find it for him. Dumb mistake. I search my username in the front page so it will show all my posts. Another dumb idea, because now all my posts are pulled up. I told him what link to click on, and he does. We have a laugh and look through the comments of said post. But he continues to look at a couple more of my posts. I tell him to stop but he doesn't comply. He keeps getting deeper into my post history. Know he sees all my askreddit posts, which are from a year ago, and I asked the dumbest questions. Including what's you're worst fear, which I posted in the text field that my worst fear is the dark. I'm 18, and scared of the dark. Now he knows. It's not exactly your fuck up that leads to a bad ending or shitting your pants. But letting your friend know your account is pretty bad, speaking he browses reddit everyday.
So Andrew of you're reading this, I hate you.
Tl;dr: Show friend my post, and now knows my account. Will be stalking me.
tetrahydrocanada: Makes me think you have some interesting stuff hidden in there, brb while I stalk your history.
MikeOxsbig: We will be expecting a full report.
Username__Irrelevant: No report; lost forever.
| 4 | 10.75 | |
1401284270 | 1401298231 | t3_26ozud | t5_2to41 | 4 | ultimateftw2011: TIFU by slowing down like a reasonable human being
My worst fear came true and I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone. I was driving on a major road by my school and someone in front of me slowed down to make an illegal left turn. I was on phone with my mom and before I knew it I got nailed in the rear end by a girl following too close. I had just totaled my car over spring break so my mom bought a new car and gave me hers. It's a perfect car in my opinion and now the back looks terrible. I'm tired of having to submit insurance claims. I'm really not a bad driver but bad stuff keeps happening to me. ugh make it stop thanks for reading
TLDR got rear ended just trying to be a defensive driver
Joelnaimee: Your covered as you got hit.
ultimateftw2011: hope so
Username__Irrelevant: Unless you were a bit harsh with the braking; quite vague, but if you slowed at a reasonable pace it'll be fine.
| 4 | 1 | |
1401252509 | 1401318337 | t3_26o6b4 | t5_2to41 | 12 | hajave: TIFU while trying to give my wife a moustache ride to the Pleasure Dome
I'm actually physically incapable of growing a moustache ([Ron Swanson knows what's up](http://youtu.be/YciRonUs-Lg?t=8s)), and this happened over a year ago now, but bear with me. My wife and I had just returned from our Honeymoon and it was our first night together in her place, so I wanted to make sure it was perfect. As every guy who's ever watched a 90s romance knows, candles are the ultimate mood setter. Unfortunately I forgot what I learned from every 2000s rom com, which is that candles are a recipe for disaster, but more on that later.
So I've got candles in every conceivable nook and cranny of the bedroom, so much so that it'd probably be darker if I'd just left the ceiling lights on, and of course at least half of them are scented. I can't tell if it's just the fumes getting to me, but I'm starting to worry that my wife may get some ideas from the Madonna school of S&M, so when she steps in to the doorway I decide to take control. We're kissing, I lay her down on the bed, and I start to kiss my way further down her body. Of course what my lavender-affected brain doesn't realise at the time is that as my head is moving the rest of my body goes with it, and my feet were already precariously close to the candle-laden table at the foot of our bed. Naturally, just as things are starting to get interesting, I bring my leg crashing up in to the underside of the table, sending its contents flying.
The first thing I notice is a burning sensation on my calf; I've unwittingly Madge'd myself. The next thing I notice is the bright red candle wax running down the cream-coloured wall. And finally, I see a still-lit candle lying against the corner of our bed sheets. Suffice to say, my wife doesn't leave me in charge of home decor any more.
SurelyOPwillDeliver: Sounds like it got real hot and steamy (and smokey) that night! Here's to hoping the candle incident didn't cock-block you
hajave: Thankfully, during the Honeymoon phase it's pretty hard to cock-block yourself. I've since learned innumerable ways!
| 3 | 4 | |
1401291469 | 1401397198 | t3_26pb6c | t5_2to41 | 20 | LLamanaro: TIFU by messing up the graduation walk.
So during my school's graduation, I was responsible for leading one half of the graduates out. During the various practice (took place in a different building) there was only two entrances/exists, which myself and the other line leader took into and out of the auditorium.
During the real graduation, both of us came in (at the back of the line, because it comes in one way, goes out the other) down some stairs at either end of the back of the auditorium. Naturally I assumed this was the right way to leave too since the school didn't really tell us shit. I ended up going back up the stairs with my line (which led to some locked doors), while the other line went up the isle and out the unlocked doors. My line had to wrap around to another set of stairs and walk through a crowd of photographers to get back in. Thankfully the next row in my line followed correctly. Who saw this little fuck up? Only about 3 or 4 thousand people.....
TIFU.
ThePandarantula: Was this high school or college? Fuck it, whichever one it was, no one is really going to remember it. My high school graduation, which I was the first person of 1000 students to walk, is pretty much a dull memory. My university one was made a "mass graduation," because the idiots in admin couldn't look at a forecast that suggested high winds. My master's had no graduation gala. I don't sweat any of those and the vast majority of people won't care that graduation didn't go perfectly. Most of the recent grads are going to remember the party they have that night, anyway.
LLamanaro: High school! Still, there were a LOT of people! XD
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1401294942 | 1401730455 | t3_26ph1h | t5_2to41 | 2,249 | [deleted]: TIFU by moving a baby as a joke.
So this is probably the most colossal fuck-up of my life.
I was in Wal-Mart earlier today just to grab a couple of things. I kept seeing this woman with a baby in a carseat strapped into the cart. Every time I saw them, the woman would park the baby and then walk like halfway down the aisle to look at stuff.
Right, so I'm getting pretty pissed off, because one of my pet peeves is when people leave their kids unattended. And this happened like half a dozen times as I was shopping. At one point, in the freezer section, she left her baby **at the end of the aisle** while she walked to the other end to look at waffles or some shit. Something in me snapped, and as I was walking by I just pushed the cart two aisles down and parked it in the corner. The whole time I had this smirk on my face like, you know, this is going to be funny, that'll teach that bitch a lesson.
Not even five seconds after I walk away from the cart, I hear the most blood-curdling scream of my life. I think even people in the lawn and garden section of the store heard it. Everyone stopped what they were doing, like just *stopped,* and a split second later the same voice screams "MY BABY!!!!"
Oh shit.
Two employees, one of them looked like a manager, came running down the grocery section. I hear the woman sobbing and talking. She goes running the opposite direction from where I parked her baby, which kinda freaks me out, but the manager went the other way and found him. The lady starts sobbing even louder and runs and grabs her baby out of the carseat. Meanwhile another manager, this one in a suit, runs up. The first manager points to him and says "I need you to check the camera **now**."
Oh shit oh shit oh shit. I figure it's time to leave.
The whole time I had been standing in place gaping like an idiot, but my feet finally started moving. I walked very quickly towards the registers carrying my basket of shit. As I'm getting closer all these Wal-Mart employees are running around with their walkies squawking and I get the feeling they are looking for me. I got shaky and dropped my basket, but instead of picking it back up I panicked and just walked right out without buying anything.
I peeled out of the parking lot like a bat out of hell. As I did so, four cop cars with lights on pulled into the shopping plaza. Glancing at my rearview mirror it looked like they were heading towards Wal-Mart.
Now I'm just sitting in front of Netflix, drinking lots of beer and waiting for the cops to come arrest me for kidnapping a baby.
**TL;DR** Got pissed, played a prank, committed a felony without thinking about it.
**UPDATE:** Well a lot of folks have asked about an update, but at this point nothing has happened. Nothing in the local news, no cops knocking on my door. I realize I was a complete idiot and probably deserve to go to jail but I'm just a normal guy who made a dumb choice. I was having a bad fucking day. I'm just hoping they didn't get a good look at my face or my plate number and this will all just blow over.
I am going to lawyer up tomorrow just in case.
[deleted]: Call a lawyer, right now. Get the best you can afford on retainer. Memorize their number. If the police show up before you can line up counsel, say **nothing** besides, "I want my lawyer".
You could well be in serious legal trouble in the very, very near future.
I can't stress enough [how important not talking to the police is](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8z7NC5sgik). They aren't there to get you out of trouble.
puttheremoteinherbut: Plot twist: OP actually tried to abduct the child and came up with this story as potential defense. Figuring posting to reddit would be admissible.
HughConwaysRegret: Yeah and anyway, how is it any of OP's business how she parents? A sleeping infant is perfectly fine in a car seat strapped to a shopping cart.
So this poor mom is just trying to care for her child and shop for her groceries but OP thinks this makes her a "bitch" because she's unknowingly violating one of his "pet peeves" and so he takes it upon himself to "teach her a lesson."
I hope the police come to OP's house and teach HIM a lesson.
[deleted]: Are you serious?
If you see someone mishandling a child, to the point where the child is in danger (which was obviously the case) you should **ALWAYS** speak up. Always.
I saw a child get horribly horribly injured, when all I needed to do was say something. I even snapped a picture right before it happened to document the terrible act of parenting I witnessed.
I'll even show you the picture: http://imgur.com/DfCvRPL
This kid went for a huge tumble, smashed her face on the pole, and was unconscious and bleeding. This was on a very fast moving train, and mom was barely hanging onto her, and not looking at her *at all*.
Ambulances were called. All because myself, and nobody else spoke up.
OP absolutely has the right idea. He just went about it the wrong way. I am in no way defending what he did, in the slightest. What he did was immensely stupid.
>So this poor mom is just trying to care for her child and shop for her groceries
Just fuck off. Leaving your child unattended to the point where someone can take them is in no way shape or form trying to care for your child. Its careless, irresponsible, and downright shitty parenting.
Pretz_: What would you say if it was the mother posting a TIFU? And her story was that, being a single mom, she was doing the best she could, when some opportunist grabbed her kid, then fled when she started screaming? Assuming your kid is physics-proof on a train might be negligence, but is it a crime if you don't figure there's a child molester frothing at the mouth hiding behind every aisle in wal-mart? Being a parent doesn't come with an instruction manual, and you aren't justified in causing people to suffer because you think you know better.
OP had a terrible idea. If the story's true, I hope he can convince people it was just an insane prank so he goes to jail for a little while, instead of a very very long time for kidnapping.
[deleted]: >being a single mom, she was doing the best she could
Leaving your kid at another end of an aisle, and paying so little attention that someone can wheel your kid aisles away before you even notice is **not** doing the best she could, in any way shape or form.
It is NOT difficult to push a cart along with you when you shop. This mother is irresponsible.
shamblingman: please. just shut up. leaving your child at the end of an aisle is not a huge deal in supermarket. you obviously do not have a kid. the kid's sleeping, an aisle is not that far. OP is an obvious douche and so are you.
[deleted]: Thanks for that insightful comment.
shamblingman: you're welcome. it's what was deserved by some shrieking non parent screaming about the danger of walking down then aisle from a baby.
[deleted]: OK. I'll pray for your children, who you seem to think are OK out of sight in public.
shamblingman: there are 100 stranger kidnappings in the entire US every year. do you know how many kids get hurt by scissors? maybe we should ban all scissors from kids just to be safe.
do you always run your mouth on topics you know nothing about based on assumptions pulled out of your ass?
[deleted]: Ah yes more absurdity.
I'm talking about not leaving a child out of sight in public. This is common sense 101.
You shouldn't leave a baby out of sight with sciossors either.
shamblingman: why is walking away from a child safely strapped into a carseat that is strapped into a shopping cart a violation of common sense 101?
what is the reason that a baby must always be in your sight?
[deleted]: /faceplam
I'm, in all honesty, done responding to this idocy. Keeping your baby in sight in public is so far beyond common sense I don't even know what to say.
If you'd like to disagree, fine, I'm happy to be safe rather than sorry. Go bother someone else.
shamblingman: what is the risk? being down the aisle is not that far? you're not responding because you have no answer to a specific danger.
you're a generic idiot.
100 kids of all ages were kidnapped last year. 3600 died of SIDS. in an effort to be better safe than sorry, should all parents never sleep and watch their babies constantly when awake and asleep?
get a fucking clue.
[deleted]: Keeping your baby in sight in public is so far beyond common sense I don't even know what to say.
If you'd like to disagree, fine, I'm happy to be safe rather than sorry. Go bother someone else.
Referencing other harms that are worse is literally the epitome of failure in logic. Please leave me alone.
shamblingman: if something is common sense, there has to be a common sense reason. if you can't establish a basic reason, then it's not common sense.
referencing other examples is not the epitome of failure in logic, it is pure logic. a reference to another harm (which is what i sense you're trying to imply, but can't find a reason for) is a fair comparison.
you're premise is stupid, so you can only make even more stupid comments in an inane attempt to justify your nonsense.
[deleted]: I have to justify the idea that keeping your child in your sight in a busy public place is common sense?
shamblingman: yes. you've said this before several times and i've explained to you over and over again. do you have anything to add besides this idiotic comment?
[deleted]: OK, I believe that you should keep your child in your sight while you are in public. I think this is as common sense as wearing your seat belt, or washing your hands after you use the bathroom.
I understand and respect your disagreement, but this isn't going anywhere.
If you feel like I'm wrong, then I'm OK with that.
Agree to disagree. OK? Just please stop filling my inbox, because as you rightly note, I have nothing else to say.
shamblingman: you keep repeating common sense. there has to be some reason behind the common sense.
all common sense items have a reason. people wash hands before eating because before the washing of hands, germs transport was rampant. people wear seatbelts, because there is an immediate danger to loss of life and limb without seatbelts.
there are reasons that something becomes common sense, what is the reason for your "common sense" of watching a kid constantly while in public?
[deleted]: I have you tagged as "thinks leaving a baby unattended in public is good".
Just leave me alone you sick fuck.
shamblingman: i've had you tagged as a fucking moron from the get go. you just confirm it over and over again.
[deleted]: Can you explain how my tag is wrong?
Are you, or are you not saying that it is OK to leave a baby unattended in public?
Exactly how long is it ok to leave them alone? 10 seconds? 15? A minute?
shamblingman: give it up you dipshit. you could not come up with one reason to justify you're stupid uneducated opinion that comes from zero experience and knowledge.
stop running your mouth on topics you know nothing about. your opinion based on nothing is worthless.
[deleted]: I'm just asking you a question. I'm not running my mouth at all.
How long, in your opinion, is it OK to leave a child out of sight in public?
Is it a minute? 30 seconds? 5 minutes?
shamblingman: answer the question that i've asked over and over again. you are running your mouth. i've asked this question 10 times and all you do is avoid it because you're a ZERO.
you the dipshit who knows nothing about a topic and thinks your worthless opinion means something. it doesn't.
[deleted]: In my opinion, it is not OK to leave a child out of sight in public, because something could happen to them. Namely they could be taken. I believe this is "common sense" as I've said numerous times, because as a parent you are wholly responsible for that baby, and if that baby it out of sight you are being irresponsible. Even if ts just a minute. This is my opinion.
Are you capable of conversing without insulting me and having a temper tantrum?
For the third time. How long is it OK to leave a child out of sight? One minute? 30 seconds? Less/more?
shamblingman: there are 100 stranger kidnappings in the US per year, for children of all ages. there you go. your fear is unfounded and stupid. you're stupid because i've stated this many times.
and you're also an idiot because you're striving for an absolute answer in a world without absolutes. all situations are varied and allow for varied times.
you're constant pestering for a definite time just shows how limited your mind is and how desperate you are for a certain answer so you can bitch about some minor detail.
give it up. you're a fucking moron. i'm sure that the only reason you insist on topic you know nothing about is because there are no topics you know anything about.
fucking idiot.
[deleted]: >there are 100 stranger kidnappings in the US per year, for children of all ages. there you go. your fear is unfounded and stupid. you're stupid because i've stated this many times.
I understand that you believe my fear to be irrational. That has absolutely nothing to do with what I'm asking you.
>and you're also an idiot because you're striving for an absolute answer in a world without absolutes. all situations are varied and allow for varied times.
Can you give me a range? Let's pretend we're in a moderately busy grocery store like OP.
Definitely under a minute? Definitely under 30 seconds? How long do you think is ok?
>you're constant pestering for a definite time just shows how limited your mind is and how desperate you are for a certain answer so you can bitch about some minor detail.
I would have been fine with a range, and I am fine with a range.
>give it up. you're a fucking moron.
OK. I understand that you think I'm stupid. You've repeated that no less than 20 times. Continuing to repeat it is not accomplishing anything.
I've asked you a simple question. If you'd like to answer I'd like to discuss. If not I'm sure you can find someone else to call stupid.
shamblingman: >I understand that you believe my fear to be irrational. That has absolutely nothing to do with what I'm asking you.
yes it does.
>Can you give me a range? Let's pretend we're in a moderately busy grocery store like OP.
Definitely under a minute? Definitely under 30 seconds? How long do you think is ok?
no. simply because you lack any reference. a number means nothing to you.
>OK. I understand that you think I'm stupid. You've repeated that no less than 20 times. Continuing to repeat it is not accomplishing anything.
then why do you keep repeating the stupid questions. that only reinforces how fucking stupid you are.
You don't know what you're talking about and any figure means nothing to you. you've never watched a kid or gone shopping with one.
[deleted]: >You don't know what you're talking about and any figure means nothing to you. you've never watched a kid or gone shopping with one.
False.
>that only reinforces how fucking stupid you are.
Well alright.
I've tried to comment with you about 10 times this morning, but you seem unable to discuss without acting like a child.
Have a nice life. I sincerely, sincerely, hope you never have children, firstly because you'd leave them alone in public, but perhaps more importantly, you're just an awful person. Really bad eggs.
Bye. Hope your life gets happier. Nobody should have to live with your rage.
shamblingman: jesus christ i hope your genes never get passed onto some poor child destined to be as stupid as you.
because you're such an upstanding person going judgemental on something you know nothing about. amirite? you're such a good person to stand up for all the children in the world who are in danger of nothing but your imagination.
thank god there are people to always protect children from dangers that don't exist.
[deleted]: Once again I understand that you think I'm stupid. You're not affecting me in anyway by repeating that, and I completely understand. If you'd like to continue wasting your breath, please go ahead.
>because you're such an upstanding person going judgemental on something you know nothing about. amirite?
Your assertion that I don't know anything about children, raising children and supervising them is categorically false. I've said this numerous times now but you continue to ignore me.
Beyond that, I do not believe myself to be a particularly upstanding person, at all. I'm just an average dude. I've never said otherwise, and for you to put those words in my mouth is again, simply false.
>thank god there are people to always protect children from dangers that don't exist.
Children do get kidnapped. It does happen. Does it happen often enough to warrant action like I suggest? Not according to you apparently, but pretending that it doesn't happen (as you're doing) is, again, simply false.
Finally, I'd suggest that while I may not *have* to keep my children in sight every second in public, there simply no chance I'm hurting them by doing so. I'm taking a "better safe than sorry" approach. If you want to take issue with that, and call me stupid for doing so, that's your prerogative. I would, however, rather be "stupid in the opinion of an angry internet man, than sorry".
Are we done here? This is a difference of opinion. If you're enjoying calling me stupid then I'm happy to continue.
| 35 | 64.257143 | |
1401296542 | 1401370864 | t3_26pjrm | t5_2to41 | 354 | KBubble: TIFU by forgetting to turn up to one of my finals
I thought I had an exam this afternoon, so while I was revising this morning I texted my friend to ask him which hall our exam was in. He replies saying am I joking, he just got out of the exam, and I missed it. I'm in my final year of university and CANNOT BELIEVE that I managed to fuck up so badly when all I needed to do was turn up at the right time. I am the biggest idiot since the beginning of time.
So I'm not going to graduate with all my friends in July, all the money my parents spent on hotels for my graduation was a waste, I have to resit the exam in August which means potentially not being able to go on a holiday I've got planned with my friends, I'm going to graduate with a lower classification degree than I was on track for because the resit will be capped at 40%, and the new job I'm due to be starting in July won't want to pay me what I asked them for because I now won't have a fucking degree until November.
**Fuck.**
Iroshizuku: ***Fuck***
This is my worst nightmare.
Sorry OP.
KBubble: Thank you!
It was my worst nightmare too, I literally can't count the number of times I'm had dreams about missing exams or getting the time wrong or turning up at the wrong place. I think it'll probably be funny in about 6 months! :)
ChromaticLady: Let's give it a year... (:
KBubble: Haha! Very true :)
[deleted]: is your professor really that mean that he won't let you retake it soon?
DDYLK: You need a really good reason to rewrite an exam. Being irresponsible and stupid isn't one.
[deleted]: given the circumstance and so much consequence though, it would be nice if he let a senior retake one simple exam
DDYLK: The circumstance is that OP read the schedule wrong and is 100% responsible for missing the exam. He wasn't sick or hurt or kidnapped. He wasn't paying attention to one of the most important exams he's taken and unfortunately deserves what has happened to him.
Why would any prof reward such irresponsible and stupid behaviour? This kind of shit doesn't fly in the real world, why should it fly in a university setting?
I don't know what kind of schools you go to, but if they're holding your hand like you're suggesting they do to OP you're in for a world of hurt once the real world welcomes you.
[deleted]: why you mad dude
DDYLK: I'm not mad. Speak for yourself.
Reddit is a place for discussion and I am doing my part to contribute. Try to keep up, OK?
| 11 | 32.181818 | |
1401292027 | 1401322390 | t3_26pc4j | t5_2to41 | 114 | epidemica: TIFU by flushing the "Out of Order" toilet in the men's room.
TIFU - the second toilet in the mens room at my work has been "out of order" for some time. There are only two toilets, and someone was in the first one and I couldn't wait any longer.
Went into the second one, bowl was mostly dry with some brown residue in it. Figured I'd give it a flush and see if it was working.
My. God.
A bubbling brown soup came forth in a deluge that quickly went over the lip and started running all over the stall, filling the entire bathroom with the stench of a week old cesspool.
I replaced the Out of Order sign, and left quickly.
I hope whoever was in the first stall picked up their feet or finished quick.
SpasticFish: Laughed soo hard I might need a change of underwear
thatlazydude: If you run fast enough, I'm sure the second stall is free
YouDoneMessedUpAAron: Just be sure to replace the "Out of order" sign when you're done.
thatlazydude: Yea, wouldn't want someone else using *your* stall!
| 5 | 22.8 | |
1401300914 | 1401392409 | t3_26pr80 | t5_2to41 | 45 | masturbating_idiot: TIFU by masturbating the wrong way
So I'm home after a rough day of work (I'm 19) and I'm horny as fuck after not wanking for a couple of months.
I'm in my room with the door closed, and my father sits in the room next to mine. My family has this thing where they just barge into my room without knocking. I tried taking precautions and masturbated through my pants, rubbing the fabric on my wanker.
Problem is I rubbed it in a weird position and I injured myself. I didn't notice this at first, as my dad went out I just pulled it out of my pants and i start masturbating. As I'm doing my thing I start feeling a little sting and I look down and HOLY SHIT THERE'S BLOOD.
I'm already invested in the masturbation session and I don't have much time till my father comes back, so naturally I try wrapping it up.
As I tried cumming, excruciating pain ran through my dick.
Now I'm sitting here, with extreme pain and a bloody dick that I fear will somehow might get infected. FML >_>
[deleted]: How the fuck do you not wank for a couple of months? You gay or something? No that's not right... how the fuck...#$%##
Lehk: > You gay or something?
what if I told you, gay guys jack off too.
[deleted]: Sarcasm is lost over the Internet my bad.
Lehk: I wasn't one of the downvoters lol.
[deleted]: Haha no worries bud
| 6 | 7.5 | |
1401302513 | 1401321821 | t3_26pu33 | t5_2to41 | 41 | [deleted]: TIFU by pooping myself before an interview.
Happened on Friday to be exact.
I got to the interview place a bit early and didn't want to bother the interviewer before the interview time. I decided to walk around and went to a McDonald's to use their bathroom.
I didn't have to go inside McDonald's but when I came out, I felt that I needed to release a fart, and so I did. It turned out to not be a fart and I felt the stickiness around my butt hole. It didn't seem like much though and I guessed that it was just a small droplet of poop so I continued on my way to the interview, thinking that I'll clean it up afterwards when I get home. I didn't smell anything but looking back, I do have a very poor sense of smell.
I go to the interview and I felt that the interviewer seemed to like me. It was a 30 minute interview and I did smelled something foul near the end, but due to nervousness, never made the connection.
I left the interview and could feel the itchiness that you feel when you don't wipe properly. But it didn't feel horrible and I just had to stop taking such big strides.
I decided to go to the Apple Store in downtown and went I there, people were handing out free toothpaste and mouth wash samples, so I took some.
The guy at the Apple Store was a dick and I didn't want to tolerate that so I bussed to another Apple Store inside a mall. When I went to the mall, it was starting to feel super uncomfortable so I decided to go to the washroom, have I quick wipe and continue on with my journey.
Let's just say things weren't as I expected when I went to the washroom. My entire underpants was soiled. I took about 10 minutes cleaning up the best I could and took an 1 hour bus back home.
Total time after poop before I got home: 3.5 hours.
Hoping that the interviewer didn't smell anything.
1minuteman: did you get the job?
TristanCorb: Currently for me, this post was submitted 25 minutes ago.
You comment: 22 minutes ago
You're three minutes late, 1minuteman...
1minuteman: the 1minuteman is a reference to my sexual skills (how long i last in bed)
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1401299702 | 1401310031 | t3_26pp5z | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by smashing a hornet
This happened when I was in middle school.
I was is my social studies class near the end of the year, so it was warm out and the bugs were around. My school had no air conditioning so the windows would always be open during the day. Anyways, there are about 30 other students in the class.
A bee flys into the room and starts buzzing around like bees usually do. It lands on the window next to my desk and I decided to take the initiative to smash it with my notebook. I succeeded in smashing the bee and destroying the window. Broken glass flew everywhere while my whole class and teacher watched in horror. It was not a good day.
beboshoulddie: Feel lucky it *wasn't* a hornet, IIRC they have a mechanism that makes the whole swarm come after you if you smush one of them.
stpizz: They can do, but then so can most other wasps.
| 3 | 6 | |
1401304229 | 1401428901 | t3_26px4e | t5_2to41 | 272 | [deleted]: TIFU On My First Night Of College.
I posted this as a comment on another post, but I figured others would enjoy my fuck-up as well.
(This Happened 2 Years Ago)
So, it was my first night of college. I was pumped to finally be living on my own and was eager to check out the night life at my school. A friend of mine that went to high school with me was also attending the same school so we met up on campus and decided to take a walk around to check out what the school had to offer.
After about an hour of exploring the campus we decided to walk down this street where we heard music coming from. About halfway down we saw these 3 guys standing in the street. They gave us a shout and said, "Yo! you guys freshmen?". We told them we were and they told us to come inside for some beers. My friend and I went into the party and ended up getting plastered after a few hours. I was at the point were I couldn't really function so I told my friend I was going to head back and get some rest.
I began walking back to my dorm and realized I was in a full-out drunken stupor. I was at that point were your so fucked up that you try and tell yourself you'll be good, but in the inside you know you're going to projectile chunder everywhere. It was a race to get back to my room, but it wasn't helping how my legs felt like Johnny Wiggles. The struggle was so real.
Eventually, I got back to my dorm and hit the sac (vomit-free I must add).
The next morning I woke up, still in a haze from the night before. I rolled over and saw a kid sleeping in the other bed across from me. He definitely did not look familiar and I was confused as shit as to why he was in my room. I figured it was maybe my new roommate since he had not moved in yet. But still, it made no sense because I'm sure the noise would have woken me up.
I scanned the room and all my shit was missing.. I was in an absolute panic, but at the same time careless because I'm still semi fucked up.
I yelled over to the kid in the other bed and said, "Yo man, you up?". It takes him a second to roll over. I said it a second time and he looks over to me. He gives me this strange look like he just saw the Exorcism of Emily Rose court-side. I then said, "This is room 209, right?". He stares at me with the most frightened and confused look and says, "...this is 109, man".
We both sat there for a few seconds in silence. I then slowly got up out of bed, just in my boxers. Grabbed all my shit off of the empty desk, gave him a head nod, then proceeded to leave and find room 209.
realdeal6649: Reminds me of one of my favorite stories from school...
A friend, that was a notorious black-out drunk alcoholic was a senior and still living in the dorms (which was uncommon on our campus as most upperclassmen moved off-campus but Junior year to the houses in the college town). He always had great drunken stories and was setting us up for another good one.
He says taht last night, after leaving a house party, he stumbled home and into his dormroom (which he had to himself; a perk if you're one of the few upperclassmen that stay on campus). He eventually felt the need to take a piss and stubled out of his dorm and down the hall to the community bathroom. He couldn't find the lights for some reason but nonetheless, he felt his way to the urinals and let it go. Halfway through his piss, in complete darkness, he was attacked from behind. Someone had jumped on his back mid-stream and was beating him senseless, piss flying everywhere, in pitch black. He eventually freed himself from the attacker, possibly knocking the perp unconscious and made his way back to his dorm room, locking his door and passing out.
The next morning, with a tremendous hangover the story-teller awoke to banging on his door. It was his RA and he looked quite upset. He was asked about last night's happenings and my drunken friend recounted, as best he could, the attack that took place in the dorm bathroom and how he escaped his attacker. His story lacked some details though and the RA was happy to fill in the missing parts.
It turns out that the drunk awoke in the middle of the night, stumbled down the hall to the community bathroom and got confused between left and right. You see the bathroom was on the left. Directly across the hall on the right was the RA's room. Unfortunately for the RA, he didn't lock his door that evening. The reason the bathroom lights wouldn't work is because he wasn't in the bathroom. The reason that the urinal stall was so easy to find was because it was the RA's closet. The attacker was indeed the RA leaping from his lofted bed and doing whatever he could to thwart off the golden shower. Apparently all of his clothes in the closet were soaked in piss, his computer, his food supply, everything, as a result of the physical struggle. The RA was knocked unconscious against his lofted bedrail when the drunk pushed back and he escaped back to his room.
The drunk ended up working something out where he bought the RA a shitload of new clothes and other items. I know there was some decontamination involved too. Easily one of my favorite stories from college.
thebochman: Don't know if I can top this story but I'll give it a shot. A couple years back in high school, either junior or senior year, my friend got absolutely trashed one night. Like 15-18 beers or so, which is a lot of beers if you ask me. Upon getting back home he obviously had to piss Niagara falls, so he ran upstairs to the bathroom (only has a complete bathroom on the 2nd floor, right outside his room). The room was pitch black, so he was basically spraying piss everywhere, when all of a sudden the light turned on and his parents were there. My friend was so fucked up that he went into his parents' bedroom thinking it was the bathroom and pissed EVERYWHERE. Needless to say his parents weren't just pissed off, but pissed on as well.
5thGenWilliam: Unless they've been drinking heavily since they were 10, high school kids don't drink 15 beers in one night. Just doesn't happen. Pretty great story though.
SchindlersFist712: That's pretty normal for someone getting wasted at uni here in the UK to drink around that much (18-20 year olds).
5thGenWilliam: 15 beers is a shit ton of alcohol if you think about it. I go to a pretty big party uni in America and party Thurs, Fri, Sat. Few people I know can drink that amount in one night.
SchindlersFist712: Haha, I think us Brits just start earlier, with the drinking age being 18 instead of 21. Although most people I know started drinking anywhere between 12 and 18.
Okay, so, typical big night pre-drinks I'll grab a 12-pack of beer. I'll polish off around 8-10, very occasionally all of them. Sometimes there'll be shots of tequila, well, a lot of times. Then when I'm out I get on the double-vodka Red Bulls and/or beer throughout the night with shots now and then.
Been at uni one year, and I've only properly been sick twice. One of them is because I got in and smoked a joint though.
5thGenWilliam: I can't imagine getting schwasted at the age of 12. That does make some sense now regarding the drinking age.
SchindlersFist712: My first real house party was a Halloween party when I was 13. There were a bunch of people of similar age but also some older kids. The girl I used to have a huge crush on (but we hadn't hung out in a while) was going to be there, so I had to bring my A-game.
Anyway, skip forward a few hours and I'm throwing up in the toilet being looked after by some girl. Then I started seeing double, or so I thought, because her twin walked in and instigated a huge argument while I was continuously being sick in the toilet. While this was going on, my best friend was getting to first-and-a-half bass with the girl I used to have a crush on.
So overall, an alright party to be fair.
| 9 | 30.222222 | |
1401301029 | 1401402296 | t3_26preu | t5_2to41 | 18 | Bill_M_Buttlicker: TIFU by sending my boss a TIFU story
I was gonna create a throwaway for this but fuck it. Anyway...
Recently I got into reddit from my co-worker and I had been sticking to /r/AskReddit and sending him funny comments through messages I saw but recently I found out about TIFU from the guy who fucked his cousin. Anyway so for the past three days I've been fucking reading all the posts I could possibly find and sending them to him.
So today I found this [fucking beauty](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1ixcm0/tifu_by_telling_a_joke_about_anal_sex_to_young/) that I read and wanted to send to him. So I just copied the text as I normally would and quickly opened messages, pasted this shit and hit enter. I quickly realized my big fucking mistake by sending the story to my boss. I immediately sent him "Shit, I meant to send that to 'Co-worker'." Figuring I'm kinda fucked for this, I sent him "Well, at least it’s funny." and started shitting my pants running around the room frantically.
Five minutes pass before I get a response back, it felt like a fucking eternity until I got the most chill response back..."Holy shit, batman!"
Luckily for me the story was kind of tame (for reddit at least) and I was safe and he thought it was funny.
Not the craziest story but felt I needed to post it.
TL;DR Sent my boss a TIFU about a guy telling kids a joke about anal
Astan92: And now your boss knows about TIFU....
Bill_M_Buttlicker: I should clarify. I would only copy the text post and not the link. He doesn't know about this post...that I know of.
Astan92: He knows
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1401306628 | 1401313124 | t3_26q1gb | t5_2to41 | 61 | arbsnotdead: TIFU by forgetting to tell my brother I stained his shorts with shit and he's wearing it right now in school.
Last Sunday, a friend and I went to Chinatown to get clothes for my business. I felt really gassy for the whole duration of the trip and we had to take the metro. Despite being gassy I held everything in because the streets were crowded and I didnt want to give anyone any discomfort.
That was my first fuck up.
So we bought everything we needed; ate at an awesome restaurant with fluffy dimsum, and decided to have a smoke right after. After holding it in for at least a couple of hours, I decided that it was finally time to release some tension in my colon, but it was more than I expected it to be. It wasn't gas.
Assuming it was gas, I gave out a huge heave and let my anal sphincter be as loose as possible and with it came a handful of wet and juicy shit. I sharted so bad that it went through my shorts, but not so bad to be noticeable. It just stank and my friend kept asking if I smell shit or if I farted and kept denying it until she noticed a little stain I left on a bench and grabbed my ass to confirm that I sharted.
After all the commotion, we went home and went on our way with a lot of good products for the business, and my dumbass forgot to put the shit stained shorts in the dirty laundry hamper and just hung it together with the clean bottoms.
Fast forward to today, my brother wore those same shorts, with the stain and the smell still there. For some fucking reason the smell never smelled in my room. Before he headed out to school, I noticed him wearing the shorts and I completely forgot about what happened during sunday and bade him farewell.
That was my second fuck up.
He sent me a text around lunch time today about why his shorts smell like shit and why there's a stain. As I read that message, I felt like as if a huge tidal wave hit me, and simply replied: "I'm so sorry, bro. It was an accident. I swear." And he never replied to me. Now I'm just guessing his friends are making fun of him for that and it's all my fault. I feel bad, and I fucked up. Sorry Bro. Love you.
TL;DR: Sharted my shorts at Chinatown. Forgot about said shart and just hung up the shorts with the used and clean shorts. Brother wore it for school. Forgot to tell him and now he's wearing shorts with some baby shit stains on it.
UPDATE: Just got home and talked to my bro. I was begging for forgiveness, and he just laughed and gave me a fist bump. :) So I guess we're cool.
breakingmad1: Wow I hope your brother is a popular kid, and not someone who's quiet and shy because this is going to take a lot to recover from. I still take the piss out of this kid who wet himself in school 13 years ago
[deleted]: I just want to say that from how you worded the comment, you sound like an asshole and a hypocrite. I understand if you and said schoolmate are friends and it's playful, but it sounds like you feel sorry for OP's brother because he might not recover from it socially, while continuing to further this type of social ostracizing yourself.
breakingmad1: I'm well out of school but if you think someones not going to get ruthlessly mocked for walking round with shit on their britches you're naive
Hardly an arsehole, its just what happens at school, nicknames stick
[deleted]: Of course he'll get mocked for it. I'm saying it's hypocritical to pretend to feel bad for him for the immineint ruthless mocking, while still participating in that ruthless mocking yourself.
breakingmad1: I do feel bad for him, but secondary school is ruthless, conform or get frozen out, as adult I would just laugh with him
| 6 | 10.166667 | |
1401308218 | 1401311654 | t3_26q4gd | t5_2to41 | 37 | [deleted]: TIFU and made my parents cry.
Was talking about how people who learn things wothout truly understanding the subject would not be respected even if they succeed to get into a good college. My Dad disagreed. I felt that he unnecessarily raised his voice about it, and I raised my voice back. Out of all the things I could've done, that.
Fast forward to a few minutes in, I said some harsh stuff to both my parents. Though those things are really how I feel about things, I guess I should've laid off. We think very differently and I wonder whether I could ever live with them and take care of them, while being happy myself, as my supposed culture dictates me to do. I voiced this concern and it put them in tears. My Dad apologized and cried after a few minutes. I really wish he didn't do that. I feel like the worst son on the planet. Hate to be a disappointment.
That's it. Today I fucked up big time.
Vortegne: Your parents are the most understanding people you will ever meet in your life. Even if it's a shock for them at first, they will accept and understand any and all of your reasonable concerns/ideas/feelings.
Just give it a little time, talk to them, say that you do not want to disappoint them, They will understand. Maybe not instantly, but they will eventually.
Vortegne: wow I'm a preachy dick, heh
akhilman78: Haha..You're great, man. Thanks a fuckload! I'd have hugged you if I could.
Vortegne: Yaay, thanks man!
| 5 | 7.4 | |
1401308360 | 1401313402 | t3_26q4qh | t5_2to41 | 29 | meganisawesome42: TIFU by making a Facebook post
Some background: I'm a college student living in dorms. Recently my family has been having drama because my Aunt didn't want to help the family plan for a 50th anniversary celebration for my grandparents, her parents. She then decided to try to make everyone else's life hell by spreading rumors amongst family members and generally acting like a 13 year old.
Last night she made my mother cry by trying to tell her that her parents don't love her. I tried calling her, my aunt, to figure out why she is trying to fuck up something that should be a wonderful wedding celebration, but of course she doesn't answer. Here is where I fucked up. I know that her wife stalks my Facebook so I posted something about how she makes me consider stabbing her.
Flash forward to about an hour later, I was in pajamas, getting ready to go to bed, had taken a sleeping pill so I'd have plenty of sleep for my midterm today. It's about 11pm. Suddenly someone is knocking on my bedroom door. Thought I was imagining it, it's 11 o'clock at night. Then someone says if I don't open up the police will open it for me. I open up, I'm standing in just underwear and a big t-shirt. Some lady asks if she can come in and talk to me, I say no I'm going to bed, again she threatens with the police. At this point I have no idea what the fuck is going on. Turns out she is a resident director for my building and is here because someone reported my Facebook status. She then starts asking if I have any weapons, if I'm suicidal, what's my home life like, ect. Within a few minutes of her being here, my sleeping pill kicks in. I try to explain this to her, showing her the sleeping pills I bought from the campus store, and that I have a midterm tomorrow, but she then takes this as drug abuse. She calls a campus on call counselor. Now I'm just starting to get mad. Neither of them are listening to me as I try to explain everything, I'm fighting my sleeping pill which means I won't be able to sleep, nothing is going well.
Finally one of them realizes they aren't going to get anything out of me tonight and just make me schedule all sorts of counseling appointments and I'm apparently in jeopardy of housing probation. There is a week and a half of school left. I have no idea who reported me, I deleted practically everyone who I am friends with on Facebook that lives in my complex. I told my family about it and they all just laughed. I'm pretty sure I'm on some list with the university now.
TL;DR: posted on Facebook that I want to stab a family member, now I'm on a list with my university that I'm batshit crazy.
Also, sorry about the formatting, I'm on mobile.
greycatjack: Did you have them look at your facebook, or are they just going on someone's word that it was a threat? That sucks a lot, either way. You never think all this craziness will happen to you until it does.
meganisawesome42: Going on someone's word. She wouldn't even look at what I was trying to show her on Facebook or listen to my backstory.
Darren_Carrigan: BUT THE BACKSTORY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART.
I MADE CHARACTER NOTES AND EVERYTHING!
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1401324259 | 1401393150 | t3_26q7b4 | t5_2to41 | 22 | Uzaka: 4 - 5 years really isn't much. My parents are 7 years apart, and my dad's got a friend that's married to a woman 11 years younger than him. He's got kids from his first marriage that are 20 years younger than his wife. That said, if you do end up in a relationship with her. Keep it innocent for the time being. You can't help who you fall in love with man, I nearly got my dick bit off because I fell for crazy once.
Socratesticles: To be fair, the younger you are, the "bigger" that age gap is.
Uzaka: I agree completely, My point was more along the lines of, In 5 years, she'll be 20, and it won't really matter that you're 25.
[deleted]: Are you implying he should keep talking to her for another five years??! I hope your friends never ask you for any advice.
Uzaka: Well, why not? I still talk to friends I've made on the internet 6/7 years ago from Warcraft 3. If you're friends with someone, keep in touch with them.
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1401309650 | 1401325644 | t3_26q75u | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by stealing a large river rock, and paying for it by shitting my pants.
So we have been renovating our back yard and ran out of large river rocks we were using to construct our dry creek bed. I had the bright idea of finding some random ones stacked along the river behind warehouses that I could thief and take home. After searching a few roads I found the ones I wanted right behind a warehouse. I scoped my surroundings and saw that no one was around. I found a suitable 80lb rock, got my hands under it and lifted when BAM!!! Poop everywhere. A gooey mess all over the inside of my boxers now forced me to sit with my pants down in my car wiping my ass and then driving home with my pants around my ankles to shower and get back to work 30 minutes late.
TL;DR I went to steal a rock from the back of a warehouse and consequently shit my pants forcing me to be late back from my lunch break.
sagittarime: How does this even happen?
Mostly_Indifferent: Have you seen videos of people dead lifting and vomiting? Same basic thing really. I have had the shits recently anyway so it might not have been the best idea. I lifted, bowels loosened and out came a stream of what can only be described as pulled pork soaked in bacon fat.
PancakeJake666: I had to sign in just so I could say that out of everything I've seen on reddit today, that description, grossed me out the most. In a very funny lol way.
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1401310430 | 1401329875 | t3_26q8n1 | t5_2to41 | 46 | Zarirahc_: TIFU by leaving my newly refilled prescription on the dining room table
This actually happened on Saturday. I got my prescription for dextroamphetamine refilled and left it on the dining room table while I took my daughter to her guitar lesson. My teenage son was home with our three dogs (two tiny chihuahuas and a troublemaking pibble pup). Well, just before I got home the pup somehow managed to get the bag off the table, tear open the bag, chew through one of the bottles and ingest about 30-40 of the pills before my son caught her. We immediately took her to the vet, where they induced vomiting. Her temperature went up to over 106F and her blood pressure got up to 207/170. Two days in the hospital with cotton in her ears and a sheet over her cage to minimize stimulation, many doses of sedatives and $2,700 later, she came home and is doing much better. We have to take her back to the vet next week to recheck her liver enzymes, since one came back a bit elevated. One hell of a Memorial Day weekend >.<
PenetratorHD: Fucked up by spending $2700 on a dog...
MokonRed: I agree.
StrangeBunny: Why? Would you have just gotten another dog instead?
MokonRed: Not right away. I'd be sad and I'd take time to mourn but a dog is a dog. I don't condone animal cruelty or simply killing an animal but I'm not spending over a couple hundred dollars saving one. Especially a little dog like a chihuahua.
Zarirahc_: Just to be clear, it wasn't one of the chihuahuas, it was the pibble pup, who is barely a year old. She has lots of life ahead of her and I love her dearly. My mistake here was not having insurance for her, which I will be getting soon.
fuck_who_knows: Don't try to argue it. I'm not taking his side or yours, but spending a lot of money on pets is hard for some people to accept or see as rational.
| 7 | 6.571429 | |
1401311481 | 1401315698 | t3_26qal1 | t5_2to41 | 11 | Whomping_Willow: TIFU by giving my dogs two walks, making myself a total scumbag neighbor
Today I had a particularly stressful over-the-phone interview so I decided the way to get rid of all my adrenaline (thanks, scumbag brain) would be to walk my two, 100 pound behemoth dogs.
My dogs are dumber than they are massive which means they wrap their leashes around each other, every tree, stop sign and fence post that we pass -- This makes it really hard to wrangle both their leashes and my 'pooper-scooper' at the same time. So I've devised a solution:
* Take both dogs out on the first walk to wear them up and let them poop
* Go back home, retrieve my pooper-scooper
* IMMEDIATELY take my dogs on the second walk when I can wrangle them and manage a pooper-scooper
Unfortunately my neighbor can't read minds and came RUNNING after me on my first walk yelling at me about 'are you going to pick up that poop' -- I was already freaking out from doing so poorly in my interview and being an unintentional shitty neighbor only stressed me out more. I was MORTIFIED.
Lockjaw7130: I know that exact feeling. Went out, dog pooped, noticed I didn't have the paper towels I use for picking it up, went home to get them(literally 30 seconds away from the door), got yelled at immensely by two people for being everything that's wrong with our youth. Avoided those neighbours for two years out of shame.
Whomping_Willow: Yeah I told him I was coming back, but I'm afraid he was thinking that I wouldn't have come back if he didn't track me down! I was too embarrassed to explain my whole system to him!
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1401314458 | 1401420869 | t3_26qfpf | t5_2to41 | 168 | HappyCamper4027: TIFU by forgetting that I had to meet my parents for dinner...after taking lsd.
A friend of mine decided to come into town and he was somehow able to get a few tabs. I told him years ago in college that if we were ever able to get a hold of any lsd I would be down to try some.
So we went disc golfing and right before we started we took the acid. About 30 minutes later just as the acid is beginning to take effect... I get a text from my father asking if I could pick up my little brother from church on my way over to dinner.
I quickly freaked out. Made up some terrible excuse that I was still at work and I wouldn't be able to make it until a few hours later.
I tripped balls for the next 4 hours, and when it came time to go over I was still tripping balls, but my girlfriend decided I might be able to act sober enough for a family outing.
I wasn't and I didn't. After about 15 minutes of awkward confusion I came clean. With the typical response from my father being "Why the fuck would you do something stupid like that?". Oh well, at least I got free food right?
Hannibaldexter: Honestly, that was poor planning.
Plus, you have to respect LSD. Don't do it somewhere that normal behavior is expected. Do it where you can really enjoy yourself, while talking to imaginary creatures.
HappyCamper4027: Yeah, I mean I had planned it out that way, just things kinda fell apart towards the end. It was a disc golf course in the middle of Appalachia, most of the people there are high anyways lol
Hannibaldexter: I like places like parks or people's backyard (assuming I know them).
And it helps to have a sitter, someone who's not tripping to watch over you.
HappyCamper4027: Yeah, my gf was there to sit us. She was with us for most of the time, she just stayed near our car because she didn't want to disc golf (since it's more or less a hike here).
Hannibaldexter: Good. I'm always amazed by the number of people who decide they can fly and want to try it by jumping out a window.
For the first time you can demonstrate your flying ability off of a flat surface just as easily...
[deleted]: This flying out a window thing is a complete myth. Anyone who's has done LSD knows that you never disassociate enough to do this. I suspect that while it may have happened at some point in the past, that number is not more than 5 or 6 instances in recorded history.
Hannibaldexter: I suspect you're generally right. The LSD I've taken was really never strong enough for this level of hallucination, taken in a reasonable dose. Unfortunately, I've had some friends who took really unreasonable doses and needed to be restrained. One ended up in the hospital because of his injuries. He did heal remarkably fast.
| 8 | 21 | |
1401317955 | 1401344270 | t3_26qlfm | t5_2to41 | 8,410 | whynot_1: TIFU by jerking off after not scoring at the bar
This happened this past weekend....
So Saturday night, I went to the local bar for the first time since being back from college. It's a dive bar in a small town so I'm basically just chilling at the bar and there are only 9 or 10 other people there plus the cute bartender. I went to high school with the bartender, so we started catching up and I notice she's starting to flirt with me.
I have a feeling in the back of my mind that she might just be doing this to get some extra tip money like all bartenders do, but I hooked up with her a couple summers ago already so I decide to just go with it. Plus, I've always had a crush on her and really wanted to bang her the night we hooked up but she didn't wanna go that far.
Anyway we're talking all night and she's taking shots with me so by 3 AM I start thinking that she's gonna come home with me. I haven't been laid in over 4 months so I'm getting super horny just thinking about the fact that I'm gonna bang this girl. Everybody leaves and she's closing down the bar and I ask her if she wants to come back to my place since it's down the street compared to her house which is a 10 minute drive home, especially since she was drinking and cops are out on the look for young people driving late on Memorial Weekend. My wantrection if full blown at this point and I am ready to get laid. She says thanks, but no thanks and that her boyfriend is gonna be here in 5 minutes to pick her up. She hugs me tightly goodbye and kinda rubs her crotch into my dick just to tease me more. I'm leaving but that rub ended up giving me a boner and I NEED to jerk off.
It should be noted that I am HAMMERED at this point.
So I get home, and try to be as quiet as possible to not wake up my parents in the bedroom to the right of mine or my sister and her boyfriend in the bedroom to the left of mine. I launch my browser, put on my headphones for a full-immersion experience, and start browsing my favorite porn site. Suddenly, I get the idea to watch one of those full length hour 30 minute pornos from start to finish. Get really into the storyline because why not? I hadn't gotten laid in a long time and I haven't even jerked off for a few weeks and my hornyness was at an extremely high level so I figured the longer I hold off, the more intense the experience could be.
I start watching this Pirates porno and I crank up the volume. I'm maybe 30 or 35 seconds in before the next thing I know, I'm picking up my head and it's bright out. The entire video had been played to the end and my hornyness is gone. I passed the fuck out. I say fuck it and take my headphones off and press Shut Down on my computer to head into bed to get some comfortable sleep in. As my computer shuts down, I hear the Windows shut down jingle blast through my speakers extremely loud. At first I just think, "fuck that was loud." As I'm laying in bed for 2 minutes, I suddenly open my eyes wide and realize I played the entire 2 hour porno through my incredibly loud speakers while my parents and sister & bf were sleeping on either side of me.
Needless to say, it was an awkward encounter when I exited my room for the first time that day.
Hallibut: I think it would have been awkward to have sex with the bartender when your parents and your sister and her boyfriend are in the house.
whynot_1: I was gonna bang her in the basement.
lawcorrection: And they say chivalry is dead.
mr1bob1: *tips fedora*
dogchowfordinner: *tips bartender*
DonV1to: How much did you tip her?
BoeJacksonOnReddit: 1 inch.
jeremiahspace: That's a little much considering the standard is 20% it'd be closer to about 0.6in
Fortis_Veritas: Your math is a bit off. 20% of 6 inches would be 1.2 inches.
spitdragon: nope!
| 11 | 764.545455 | |
1401319076 | 1401356381 | t3_26qmne | t5_2to41 | 8 | Nikolai_Blak: TIFU by not washing my hands good enough.
Technically it was yesterday, and I'm sorry fellow Redditors but it does not involve poop.
A lady friend and I went out to see Godzirra (amazing movie, definitely recommend it) followed by a walk around the park and then dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings. While she ordered mild barbecue wings I got my favorite, mango habanero, and tried the new sauce wasabi something. It was terrible, but anyway. After dinner I wash up my hands well and we proceed back to her house for sexy times.
Sexy times ensue and when my fingers met the little man in the boat, well that's when I realized I didn't wash my hands good enough. She began to complain about a burning, and since we didn't have long, she just didn't want to do anything else because the burn was too much.
Pichus_Wrath: Godzilla was just ok.
LaBrat137: Godzilla was entertaining rubbish.
CONSCIOUS_BEING: What is this Godzilla you speak of? Clearly OP went and saw Godzirra.
| 4 | 2 | |
1401321937 | 1401324207 | t3_26qrax | t5_2to41 | 10 | throwawaybarbell: TIFU by letting my parents tickle me.
TIFU by letting my parents tickle me.
No, it doesn't involve pee lol..
I'm 18. It was hot as fuck outside so I was wearing a 2 peice swim suit for most of the day. I came downstairs to get my brothers's laptop charger and started talking to my dad about some college stuff (I've been accepted to 2 schools but they're both on the East coast. I don't know if I can commit to living on the other side of the country so I've been debating holding off until next year.)
Anyway, my super chill and quiet mom comes in and puts her hand on my shoulder and startles me a bit. My dad I guess thought something else so he laughed and pinched my side, and told me to calm down. I guess this started an all out war because my mom started pinching my other side and next thing I know, I'm like bent over the couch with my parent's fingers all over my in my belly trying to get away (settle down pervs it's not like that, it's nbd - some families love each other lol)
My little sister who is 2 learned about zerberts so obviously my mom has been doing that a lot lately, so she tries it with me. It's pure fucking torture and I tell her to stop or at least watch out for my belly ring which is small barbell because my dreamcatcher one snapped off (sad face - it was $50 damn it). She hears me and backs off a bit but has her hands on my ribs holding me down while my dad comes out of nowhere and raspberries me. No big deal, it's whatever but I obviously jump up and my stomach smacked him in the face - he comes up and all my mom and I see is blood. I'm like, shit I just broke my dads nose but I feel a sharp pain and look down and...
My barbell is gone..
My mom grabs a washcloth while I'm holding a pillowcase on my stomach, looking around for my barbell. My dad is like, not choking but trying to get something out of his mouth with a really confused look on his face lol..
He spits out my barbell and looks like he's in shock. Him and my mom both check my stomach and it ripped enough that I had to go in the ER for 2 sticthes. I won't be able to repeirce it there for a while so I'm out $50 for the original one, plus whatever the ER stuff costs (I have the ACA insurance with a $250 copay)
None of us know how he ripped it out.
So ya.. I fucked up lol.
tl;dr: my dad ripped out my belly ring with his teeth and I needed 2 stitches :(
WPBDoc: This is actually quite adorable. Sounds like you have a fun family. I bet dad bails you out with a replacement and the co-pay.
throwawaybarbell: I think he'll cover half of it at least, he feels really bad and I can't blame him at all. We still have no idea how it happened and ya I love my family :)
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1401322617 | 1401354129 | t3_26qse8 | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU (54 Days ago) by not being insured and injuring myself during PE.
This is quite a long story, not really sure if it classifies as a fuck up or just bad luck but here goes..
A Little back story to get you started, I am a 20 year old male who spent 4 months (this is pretty much the standard duration) in the Danish army last year, but failed to extend my contract for multiple reasons, I used to work out 4-5 days a week and bike at least 10 km each day, I was in pretty good shape.
> Plan B = Go to school and shit
90 minutes of PE each Friday is simply not challenging enough compared to what I was doing before.
figured if I show my teacher that I can push myself harder than the kids in my class she would give me a better grade.
we had to do some Gymnastic exercises including: [Buck vaults](http://youtu.be/3BGmX1szXZ0).
These happened in the center of the room, everything else was set up along the edges and you had to finish one activity and get in line for the next.
so while approximately 20 of my classmates are standing by waiting for their turn on the next activity i have a go at vaulting the buck.
This is when I fucked up good, I ran at the springboard faster than I should have and the distance between the buck and board was not as long as my poor eyesight had lead me to believe.
As a result instead of vaulting on the buck properly I simply jump OVER the fucking thing.
At that point I thought that if I didn't do anything I was probably going to land awkwardly on the mattress and injure my neck on impact.
So the one thing that comes to mind is to attempt to curl up like a fucking ball and save my head/neck, This worked.. but not like I had intended.
because as I touch down on the mattress I snap and fold together at the middle, literally T-bagging myself.
The impact knocks the breath out of me, but I instantly pop up, attempt to walk it off and play it cool with a smart comment (in an attempt to save face and let everyone know that it was nothing serious).
As I reach the edge of the classroom I have yet to breathe in some delicious oxygen and as a result I lose all control and everything blacks out as I fall to my knees and gasp for air (luckily some of my classmates had already seen that i was going down and managed help me down semi safely).
I decide to sit out the rest of the class and recover, so I hit the showers and prepare for the next lesson.
around 45 minutes pass and i am in agony, pain like I have never experienced before.
Can't breathe properly or sit up straight, so I ask my teacher if I can be excused from his class and go to the hospital, call my mother and tell her to come pick me up.
>At the hospital
spend 70 minutes in a bed looking at the ceiling waiting to find out just how bad I fucked up this time.
The doctor comes back from watching X-rays of my spine, the first words I hear from her are "it doesn't look good" you have broken your T11 Vertebrae, we currently don't know the full extent of the damage, specialists will have to review the x-rays and they need to do MR/CT scans, there is a risk that you have worsened the injury by walking around ignoring it after the accident and you might lose the use of your legs if you aren't lucky.
I spent a week in the hospital, 5 days without walking and the final message from the doctors was that i had bruised 2 ribs, my T11 vertebrae was compressed and had suffered a 30% reduction, but lucky for me the rear end (where all the important nerve stuff is located) was still intact.
Thankfully I "won the lottery" so to speak, and everything is still working as before.
I currently have 36 days left of wearing a [3 point thoracic corset](http://www.reh4mat.com/uploads/2013/06/am-gj-01newsletter-1.jpg) (or my armour as my friends and I call it) no longer on any medication and almost living my old life again.
What makes me feel that this is a really big fuck up is that according to the doctors, this is not just like breaking any other bone in the body, once your vertebrae has been compressed like mine has it won't just heal and return to its original state.
This is forever and might cause complications later in my life.
But the worst part really is that I had to get an insurance and was trying to find out where I could save the most money (poor me on a students budget you know), but I felt pretty safe just going to school and doing regular casual stuff, so I never really got around to it.
>TL;DR
Clumsy as fuck, crashed while attempting to buck vault during PE in school.
Managed to bruise 2 ribs and smash my T11 vertebrae permanently removing 30% of it, might cause problems the rest of my life.
was not insured because i has the dumb.
epsy: I think I'm going to need some painkillers after reading this...
PQLSEJOHN: I still have a ton of morphine and oxycodone left, dig in.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1401323394 | 1401394884 | t3_26qtmn | t5_2to41 | 191 | kromagnon: TIFU by buying a new car.
The wife and I had already decided which car we wanted before we even left the house. We put our son in the "old" car, pulled out of the garage, and were prepared to do 2 hours of paperwork to get the new one.
6 hours later... after all the bullshit mistakes the dealership made with our paperwork we finally made it home with a very cranky, hungry child.
Oh. Oh fuck. Oh God no. We can't get in the house. You see, I had programmed in the garage door to the **built-in opener in our old car**, and left the remote inside the house. There's no keypad on the outside of our garage, and the storm door for the front door was bolted from the inside.
Could we make a quick trip back to the dealer and borrow our old car? Nope, the fucking paperwork took so long, that we stayed until they were locking up.
Call a locksmith? What's he going to pick? The storm door doesn't even have a keyhole.
Windows are locked, at least the ones I can reach.
Maybe I can lift the garage door up just enough for me or my wife to slide underneath.... POP. A wheel broke out of the rail and rolled out, underneath the door. (Which was now only 5 inches above the ground. Well, the garage door's fucked now anyway, might as well open it all the way. It doesn't move another inch.
I'm sure my neighbors thought it was hilarious watching me rip the storm door from it's frame, so I could get my piss-soaked toddler inside, cleaned up and fed.
Rew151: Am I the only one here on pins and needles wondering what KIND OF CAR you bought?
mercury996: 2015 kia rio
solarpoweredhuman: > kia
My condolences. Shoulda bought a used Honda or Toyota.
squarebacksteve: Kia makes a pretty solid car nowadays
[deleted]: No they don't. They've come a long way but the driving dynamics, fit and finish and reliability are very far behind in comparison to other imports. Aftermarket parts? Hilarious. Intricate repairs and stupid designs still plague the bottom of the barrel manufacturer
solarpoweredhuman: To say nothing of the horrific resale value.
| 7 | 27.285714 | |
1401324369 | 1401340241 | t3_26qv4h | t5_2to41 | 113 | kickinthevols: TIFU by looking through a girl's phone... (Kinda NSFW)
So I'm casually dating this girl I knew back in the day. She's cool, we get along well.
A few things have happened (texts late at night, seems secretive) that have made me wonder if she's serious about the "relationship" talk. You know, we aren't quite there but talking about it. Commitment is a big thing to me, call me weird.
Anyway, she accidentally leaves her phone at my place. She's freaking out, she lives over an hour away and is driving back this evening to get it. Her reaction leaves me wondering, "why's this a big deal".
So, curiosity got the best of me and I did something I normally don't do. My thought process was that if I look and nothing's there, it'll make me feel a lot better about going ahead and locking down. Honestly, I didn't think I'd find anything.
I did. Sort of.
I didn't see anything to make me thing she's banging anyone else at the moment BUT, she has a video on her phone of her sucking a guy's dick from January of this year.
Now, I have no reason to be jealous, mad or angry. But I'm like WTF, why does she still have this? Is this normal?
So now I'm a little scarred. I don't know how to act when she comes back and I feel like an asshole b/c I even looked. I shouldn't have.
TIFU
Matthew9012: Ur fukt in the hed m8
icantnotthink: TIFUMM
Tday i fukd ur mum m8
Zmr56: OPs mom m8 popa dank
| 4 | 28.25 | |
1401324775 | 1401328562 | t3_26qvrn | t5_2to41 | 38 | uristmcmahon: TIFU by wearing gym shorts to Panera
Late last year I was diagnosed with PTSD, and I've been on antidepressants for a few months. These antidepressants have had quite an effect on my ability to achieve an erection. The libido is there, but there are no moving parts. It's a sad thing.
This morning I got up, threw on a hoodie and some gym shorts, and walked down the block to pick up a coffee and a bag of bagels for breakfast. I wait in line and I'm letting my eyes wander around the bakery and I briefly meet the cashier's eyes. She's average at best, definitely not a girl who would normally pique my interest, but she is stacked to the ceiling. As I'm admiring her shirt's incredible ability to restrain that much chest, I notice something horrifying. For the first time in months, I'm feeling a stirring in my shorts, and what would in other circumstances be a cause for celebration quickly becomes horrifying. I can't stop it. This train has no brakes. And I'm wearing gym shorts.
At this point I've reached the counter, so I think I have a chance to quickly flex my thighs and think about baseball with grandma, but no. The flexing makes it worse, my erection is a jaunty marble column jutting fearlessly outwards, straining against the nylon of my shorts like a race horse trying to stretch its neck for the photo finish. And of course there's no lip on the counter, there's nowhere to hide here. I blurt out my order, hoping to god that my out-of-practice penis exhausts itself and goes back down before I have to turn around and head for the door, but no luck, not today. I take my bag and my coffee and make a break for the door, taking quick, short steps that I had hoped would mask my situation but only makes my boner wave back and forth like a flagpole in high winds. Mercifully, the cashier pretended not to notice, but I caught more than a few stares on my way out the door and down the sidewalk towards my apartment.
Without a doubt the most horrifying moment of my entire life. I can never go back.
Truesday: I fink you freaky and I like you a lot.
[deleted]: Die Antwoord! Woo!
| 3 | 12.666667 | |
1401324867 | 1401372232 | t3_26qvwl | t5_2to41 | 2 | 5968720: TIFU by passing on a rare market offer on Steam
So I was playing Counter Strike: Global offensive, playing idle servers and whatnot because I was bored and wanted to add a few kills to my StatTrak weapon I bought recently.
So this guy comes up and wants to sell his "M4A4 Howl" (Well-worn)
(mind you, this is a $31.33 weapon at the time) for roughly $28.
I however, didn't have the money at the time, so I decided to trade via other ways, as an item to item deal.
With my total inventory, I had about $21.75 (I didn't include crates, just weapons and one sticker)
He declines and says he isn't interested in my weapons, at least for now.
Later, I'm playing deathmatch offline and he wanted to trade again with the offer for:
His offer:
M4A1 Howl (Well-worn) = $31.33
SG 553 Pulse (Field-tested) = $0.78
His total: $32.11
My offer:
Souvenir PP Bizon (Field-tested w/ some stickers) = $.23
P90 Fallout Warning (Field-tested) = $.75
MP9 Hypnotic (Factory New) = $.42
My total: $1.4
Thinking this through, I was so excited to make the deal.
However, I made one mistake, I had severe empathy for him.
I didn't feel it was right, so I kept bugging him, asking him if "he was sure" about making the offer. He declined twice, but I kept asking and on the third time, he canceled the offer and said he was going to instead sell the rifle for money on the steam sale.
I then tried to make up the offer, but to no avail. He did say that if he ever did open another howl, he would trade it to me.
Like that would ever happen..
Curse you, Steam Summer Sale!
And now, I'm killing myself for not taking the offer :/
TLDR: Had an amazing offer, felt empathy, he finally declined and sold the weapon that was worth so much.
Lockjaw7130: I know that feeling. Hey, you did something good, be happy about it. I used to be a ruthless asshole when it came to Magic cards, and I regret being that merciless.
Makoaddict: Man, never be ruthless with magic trades, it gets you a bad reputation!!
In all fairness though you do get the occasional guy who wants x card so badly and doesn't care about value, so why not.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1401309460 | 1401329140 | t3_26q6rt | t5_2to41 | 11 | dudery5: tifu by eating alot rotten food.
oops lowercase title of 'tifu' so sorry bout that.cant edit titles
sorry for any spelling errors. but heres my story.
Not today but like 7 years ago i bought a bag of pizza rolls from the store.
it was the big bag with like 120 in it or so.
so we make it back to my house but me being forgetfull,i forgot to put the bag of pizza rolls into the freezer.
so i end up leaving the back in the living room where it is like 100 degrees.
so five hours pass and im really hungry,i was really chubby back then and i used to eat alot. so i eat all 120 pizza rolls in one sitting,boy they were delicious.
so 2 hours pass and everythings fine then all of a sudden i get this strong urge to go to the bathroom so i go thinking that it would be just normal dieofria and boy was i wrong,it was the one of the worst feelings in my life,it was just hours and hours of nonstop stomache cramps and pooping. it got so bad that i was in the shower trying to cool my asshole down,but to no avail,it was just nonstop pooping,at first it was fine,but then it started to burn like the fiery depths of hell,i have eaten alot of spicy things in my life like chille,hot cheetos,and ghost peppers. but this topped them all,it was like acid pouring out of my sphincter it burned so badly. i ended up staying awake throughout the night.
so i finally fall asleep thinking that it would be over by the next day....nope it wasnt over,i swear it lasted for a whole week.
and not to mention i felt so sick that i stopped eating,i hadnt ate anything for 2 weeks but some gatorade,banannas,and pig skins(which were supposed to help with the cramps,and burning of poop)i wasnt chubby anymore i was skinny again,and ever since that dreadfull day i vowed to stop being a pig,and to never eat pizza rolls again.
TL;DR was fat and ate 120 rotten pizza rolls,ass went through hell and back,wasn't fat anymore.
any of you guys want to share your story's of food poisoning?
tmd32709: "dieofria"
[deleted]: Damn, that's all I was going to pick out on.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1401327498 | 1401360650 | t3_26qzzq | t5_2to41 | 8 | sobergonnabe: TIFU by checking out a mutual friend's facebook page for photos of my ex having a wonderful time at a Memorial Day party.
I just can't let sleeping dogs lie, can I?
We split really badly. Then I see that our "mutual friend" keeps posting pictures of them hanging out or tagging him in her posts. I always scrolled right past those posts as fast as possible without looking at any of them or reading much. I just saw his name and scrolled really fast. I had to delete her from my own Facebook because I was just like 'I don't wanna see this anymore'. And I felt really crappy about it, but I think it was the best thing to do.
Then, yesterday, while I was on an emotional bender, I decided I would torture myself by seeing if I could look at her posts. They're public, so I can still see them-- and for a good half hour I was just studying the photos and trying to see if he looked really happy and digging myself deeper. Now I'm really depressed. Everyone seems to have moved on very happily without me.
This person, though I still care for him, was very abusive to me verbally, emotionally and eventually physically. I still have photos of the bruises he left on my arm. Yet everyone is hanging out on Memorial Day weekend like everything is great. If any of these people had any idea how much he used to talk shit about them behind their backs, I doubt they'd be just chilling at a party all together.
I feel many feelings right now. Mostly I just feel stupid because I NEEDED to get that closer look at something I shouldn't be poking my nose at anyway.
Not1ToSayAtoadaso: Uhh... so you stalked your ex and felt shitty after? Welcome to the world of dating!
sobergonnabe: Does that constitute stalking? Checking out a mutual friend's photos of them? I guess...
bfoong: It's online creeping. Not constitute stalking, but if you did stalk...it would be part of the evidence. =b
| 4 | 2 | |
1401325180 | 1401332027 | t3_26qwdg | t5_2to41 | 12 | im_not_a_crook: TIFU By AccidentallyvScaring Away A Baby Bunny
I was watering the weeds with weed killer next to a bush in my backyard and all of a sudden the bush shakes and a baby bunny jumped out. As soon as it saw me it jumped through the fence and ran away. Now the mom sits next to the bush everyday waiting for the baby. FML.
[deleted]: Scare the mother away too? Maybe it will run in the same direction and find the little bunny..?
I dunno or just have it be a reminder to what you did forever and ever.
im_not_a_crook: Every time I look out the window, I feel a pang of guilt.
| 3 | 4 | |
1401326309 | 1401386818 | t3_26qy4x | t5_2to41 | 19 | TheAngryTuna: TIFU by ruining a laptop, twice.
This happened 8 years ago when I was in high school, but I thought it would be appreciated here. My girlfriend's dad was a middle school principle. He was pretty nerdy and liked to bring his school-issued laptop home so he could "work from home." In reality, he was just playing computer games while his wife did all of the work around the house.
But I digress, one night while he was chaperoning a middle school event, I decided I was going to show my girlfriend how good I was at his computer games. I sat down with his laptop in my lap and a water bottle in my hand. I had to type something so I bit the water bottle's tip so I could use both hands. This was stupid. The bottle immediately slipped from my mouth and landed sideways on the keyboard - dumping water on the laptop. I was mortified and brushed the bottle aside and held the laptop at an angle for maximum drainage. I felt good for a minute because the laptop seemed unaffected. It was about this time that the screen blacked out. At this point I had become increasingly frantic, put the laptop under my arm, ran out the door while yelling "I'll fix this!!!"
I drove home with the laptop in my passenger seat, and I continued trying to reboot it with no luck. When I got home I ran to the basement and started thinking of a way to dry the computer out. I got my sister's hair dryer and began drying in the general keyboard area. After awhile, the computer actually booted to a screen I'd never seen, but I considered this was progress. I figured at this point that the more hair dryer I used-the more progress I would make.
I sat the laptop on the couch and the hair dryer on a pillow aimed at the keyboard. I decided to go have a snack and pray for the laptop's recovery. I returned 10 minutes later to a laptop with 100% MELTED KEYS. I believe I screamed if my memory is correct. EVERY SINGLE KEY WAS ILLEGIBLE. However, the computer now booted up correctly!
By some miracle we had a similar old laptop that I was able to meticulously pluck the keys from and snap onto the water damaged, melted laptop. I did such a good job that, once finished, the laptop appeared as good as new. I rushed back to my girlfriend's house, placed the laptop, and he never found out what happened on that horrible day.
[deleted]: Lucky. Very lucky.
Did you still get to show off your gaming skills?
TheAngryTuna: Unfortunately, no. As it turns out he had World of Warcraft running on that thing, which was out of my league.
Sibire: WoW isn't even in a league, it's down there with bowling.
Fite me bro, J204102 Planet 2. T1 Cruisers only.
| 4 | 4.75 |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.