start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1401328786 | 1401373955 | t3_26r1zl | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex with an enlisted airman and his underaged friend
It happened over the long weekend after a very long work week. I went to the bar saturday night to get wasted. Chatted up with this cute guy and he started to brag that he was in the military. I didn't want to scare him off telling him I'm a captain on the same base he's stationed at. Kept drinking and ended up taking him to my place on fucking base at the officer housing. Ended up having sex but mid way he asked if we could spice it up so he went off base to get a friend. Ended up having a three-way with an underaged kid still in high school and a guy straight out of tech school.
I have no idea where he works on base and I'm praying to god he didn't remember that I live on base. I fucked up big. Career ending big.
monty845: I'm not military, so could be wrong, but isn't that a prison level fuckup?
minlite13: Shhh.. We *all* know that.
| 3 | 8 | |
1401330040 | 1401339989 | t3_26r3wx | t5_2to41 | 20 | itsnotbenaffleck: TIFU by becoming a criminal
So last night/this morning around 3 am.
Chilling with my friends in one of their apartments smoking some pot. After we leave and my friend and I go back to our cars, I realize I have a parking ticket cause I was RIGHT in front of a no parking sign. "Well fuck oh well I guess it's just a ticket". Thing's only $33 so no biggie.
Until I get into the car.
Not even 100 yards down the road and I get pulled over. Cop had been WAITING for me to return to the car. Cop tells me that when he put the ticket on the car he checked inside with a flashlight to make sure no one was trying to sleep inside. Apparently my pipe was just out there for the world to see. He says he has to search my car and I realize that there's no way for me to get around it. Asks if there's anything else and I say no because I forgot there's a small amount of weed left in my roll up tobacco that I had in my pocket. Instant arrest.
Spent the night in jail. Charged with a drug paraphernalia citation and criminal possession of marijuana under 2 ounces or some shit. Out now but I feel like shit because my parents had to bail their little boy out of jail. That's the most important part of this fuck up. I just screwed my parents and I feel so indescribably awful.
I fucked up reddit. I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette with my best friend and think about what I'm doing with my life.
RiskySC: You have a glove box for a reason, never leave that stuff in plain sight. I had a similar experience though. Got pulled over for a headlight out, and the cop said " he smelled marijuana". He asked me if I ever smoked and dumb me says yeah, but like 3 weeks ago. Asks me to step out if the car, searches me, handcuffs me and continues to tear apart my car while 20 people watch on , because I decided to pull into a gas station parking lot. My parents weren't mad, and they helped me get a lawyer, but first time in my life I've felt like a disappointment. You live and you learn, you'll get through it.
itsnotbenaffleck: Thanks for the comment dude. Makes me feel a little better knowing I'm not the only one that's gone through something like this.
RiskySC: Shit happens man. I was lucky enough to remember that I had left my grinder in my middle console , so I told him about it and he ended up letting me go and not taking me to central booking. I also got a great lawyer who was able to get the charges dropped. Be smart, don't smoke in your car and don't give them a reason to pull you over, or search you, and know your rights.
itsnotbenaffleck: [Kind of obligatory](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lfInFVPkQs)
| 5 | 4 | |
1401334531 | 1401369260 | t3_26raea | t5_2to41 | 24 | tifutw: TIFU by calling an old woman a cunt.
I live in a large city in a lower / middle class neighborhood made up of primarily hispanic people. Some of my neighbors work blue collar jobs, some pick the trash as their primary source of income... and others are new. The area is going through gentrification for better or worse.
Several days ago I was throwing a tennis ball around with my kid on the sidewalk. As we're tossing this ball around (a good distance from cars, and the ball wasn't being thrown with much force... in other words, we were being safe) an old lady strolls by, walking her dog, sucking on a cigarette. She kept staring at my kid and shaking her head in disgust so I kept my eye on her.
I watched her cross the street and continue to stare at my kid until she got to the end of the block and cross the street again.
A few seconds later the ball rolls under a BMW – the nicest car on the block and one I haven't seen until that day (I am essentially a shut in and am familiar with all the cars on my street as I work next to my window).
My kid runs to the back of the car and starts reaching for the ball when the old lady with her dog shows up out of nowhere and yells "don't go near my car!". My kid got scared and ran off to hide. I don't take kindly to anyone who yells at my kid so I made the woman repeat what she had just said but to me this time. I then asked her "can I get my ball from under your car?" to which she said "no, I'll go get the keys and move the car so you can get the ball".
"Seriously? I can't reach under your precious car to get my ball?"
"Where is it?" she asked with a sigh – so I reached under the car and grabbed it. It was around two feet under the car.
She said something though I can't recall what and I walked away and waved her off with a hand motion.
Then she said in an extremely condescending manner "Why don't you take your *kid* to the *park*?" and that was the last straw. I turned around, marched up to her and said as nicely as I could – "I have a better idea, how about you go fuck yourself you stupid bitch cunt?"
I saw her again about 30 minutes later. She informed me that she had "called the police, but since I hadn't threatened her life, that I had better just apologize" so I laughed really loudly and told her I wasn't sorry.
Later on she showed up again when I was inside, this time with her son and some girl. He was screaming for me to come outside so he could beat me up and was stopping random people on the street to see if they had called his mother a cunt. They had not.
I fucked up by using misogynistic speech, but I don't regret the sentiment, and in my defense I would have probably called a man something similar, like "cockless twat" or "pedophile".
**Edit:** Oh yeah I forgot, I also called her a pedophile.
*Edit* spelling.
thebalveneezy: good example you're setting for your kid there
tifutw: She didn't hear the speech, and yes it is a good lesson – stand up for yourself and if someone attacks you, destroy them.
thebalveneezy: whatever man, make all the excuses you want but you calling her a pedophile and a cunt in front of your child was tacky and lowbrow as fuck
tifutw: Who the fuck says I'm high-brow and have tact? fuck that.
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1401327890 | 1401414876 | t3_26r0ke | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by having the worst Prom getaway ever
Ok so this actually happened Friday but only got back earlier today. This is also a throwaway for privacy reasons.
So first, a little back story, We were a group of 8 people and we were going to the Prom afterparty, the after party being located on a lake/cabin in the Canadian wilderness about an hour/hour and a half from the Capital city (Ottawa).
So anyways, we rented a limo but didnt pay for the driver so we had to drive it ourselves. Anyways, the actual Prom itself was great and fun and then at around 9pm we left for the after-prom. We got there around 10:15-ish. The location was beautiful, however, we couldn't bring the limo through the forest, so I parked it on the side of the road. We gathered up all of our stuff (Alcohol and phones) and went to a nearby shore/flat area to take some photos (Nice mountainous view + instagram filter = GOLD).
Obviously we are dumb teenagers so we are still in our suits/Prom dresses and didnt think to bring our normal clothes with us to the cabin. By this point its getting dark and we can see really dark rain clouds.
So then after hiking 30 minutes we get to the cabin and set everything down, we then realize that we left all of our clothes in the limo. So we leave what we have in the cabin and we all trek back to the limo.
By this point its pitch black out and raining (heavily). So everything is all muddy and we dont know/cant see where we are going, the path we took was basically flooded due to rising water so we had to take a differnt, longer route.
This is where everything just goes downhill... literally, we were treking across the top of the hill trying to make our way back to the limo in prom dresses and suits... the ground is extremely wet and muddy, as we get nearing the other side we are all holding hands so we dont slip, but my prom date/girlfriend trips and begins to tumble, she takes herself, 3 other girls, and 1 guy with her. I said fuck that and just let go. (im an asshole, I know) they went down about 10ft or so, it was basically pure mud at this point, my date was wearing a white dress, now turned completely brown, the other dresses ruined as well.
We somehow managed to climb back up to our original position and then make it to the area where we parked the limo, what was supposed to be a 30 minute hike turned into well over an hour. So when we got there the whole area was black, and I could see the limo, so I used the keys to turn on the lights... the only lights I saw were pointing upwards and coming from the ditch... We all ran over to see the limo all dented in the bottom of the ditch that was now begining to flood with water, windows broken , everything fucked.
We salvage what we can and change into the now wet clothes, we managed to get back to the cabin in only 40 minutes this time (Its about 12am by this point) we get back and just started drinking, by 1:30am the girls are all asleep, most of them cried themselves to it, the rest of of us just kept drinking in silence.
Our phones dont work up there so there wasnt much we could do, we werent in much of a hurry to get back either as we had the limo rented for 5 days and we didnt really want to have to bring it back on a towtruck. So we basically just said "fuck it" and just enjoyed ourselves Friday-Wednesday morning, we drank... alot, (These were all the cans/bottles that we brought back with us from the cabin: http://i.imgur.com/dHISock.jpg http://i.imgur.com/PU4DTeQ.jpg ) we also did alot of fishing, swimming and volleyball on the beach, overall it was fairly fun (Except the limo part). We even had a Jamacain themed party on Sunday night: http://imgur.com/uqZvpxu
Anyways, earlier this morning we packed our shit and walked back to the parking lot/area we parked the limo, it was still in the ditch, noone saw it since this is private property area, so we took another look around to asses the damage, my girlfriend found out the hard way that a family of skunks had moved in. So then we walked a couple km to the highway, bags in tow and flagged down some guy, he let us use his phone and we called our parents and a tow truck. As of right now our parents are talking with the company to make things right but it looks like everything might turn out ok since one of our friends dads apparently "knows a guy", but you never know.
**TL;DR I parked a limo next to a ditch and then it fell down during a rain storm, the limo was totally fucked, my girlfriend got sprayed by a skunk and we got drunk**
Alltimehorizon: Ottawa isn't the capital of Ontario??
unapologeticbadass: Toronto = capital of Ontario
Ottawa = capital of Canada
:)
Alltimehorizon: I know, it seemed like you said Ottawa is the capital of Ontario. Sorry!
| 4 | 4 | |
1401337363 | 1401355514 | t3_26re4n | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU brought my laptop into the bathroom to reddit while i shit
my dad came home and walked in, the laptop was on my lap (i'd finished shitting but was reading an article) he thought i was jerking off... now it's awkward
CONSCIOUS_BEING: "I swear it's not what it looks like"
happy_freak: i was watching cosmos minutes before, wouldve been more awkward if he saw me in that position with neils sweet sweet voice playing
CONSCIOUS_BEING: That's hilarious. I wish that were the case.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1401339509 | 1401805559 | t3_26rgqj | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: slightly [NSFW] TIFU by possibly knocking up a friends wife.
Let me open with they are in an open relationship. He has another girl and he lets her sleep with other guys. So the other day we were all hanging out when he got called into work on his day off. I couldn't leave cause I had had a few drinks was to drunk to drive at the time. Well his wife made a move on me and I didn't stop it. I was in enough control that I needed to use a rubber I ended up pulling out and came on her stomach. Well that was a week ago the dude knows what happened and is cool with it but what he doesn't know is that today I got a text that she is late on her period and the last time she had sex was with me......... so yeah now im panicking.
a_mex_t-rex: Damn. Good luck dude, you're going to need it! Hopefully no baby comes out of the oven.
throwaway77772: yeah sleep isnt going to happen tonight. she said she was going to give it a few more days before she tested herself to be sure.
1_man_wolfpack: Any update yet?
throwaway77772: Yes after a couple of days she finally texted me to tell me that everyone in the comment section was right and I had nothing to worry about.
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1401340647 | 1401427051 | t3_26rhyu | t5_2to41 | 13 | aliceINchainz: TIFU by ruining my eyesight.
I just ruined it.
It's so difficult even being on the computer. My eyes are sensitive to the light now. I know I go on the computer too much, as a teen I was always glued to the computer screen, but now it has really fucked up my eyes. I want to slap myself silly for doing this to myself.
BlueBoxBlueSuit: How did you "just ruin it"?
Are your eyes just suddenly sensitive to light?
Sure everyone tells you that computers are bad for your eyes, but personally I've had no problems as a result.
I had a coworker suddenly develop a sensitivity to screens, but the diagnosis was stress, not overuse of computers.
The computer glasses mentioned below are really popular in Japan. Not sure if they are anything more than a placebo, but I have no evidence either way and have never tried them.
aliceINchainz: I assume it was because of the computer. I've never actually talked to an eye doctor about it.
Hyrius: You really should.
aliceINchainz: I know, I've been to an eye doctor before and got glasses, but back then they weren't this bad.
AcaciaJules: Your eyes change shape as your age. After 40 they start to shrink, which is why most people need reading glasses. If you have glasses, you should be seeing an eye doctor once a year, until you plateau (your eyes stop changing) then you should be set until things go down hill again.
aliceINchainz: I see. First, I'm going to need to find a new eye doctor because I moved. Thanks for all the comments.
| 7 | 1.857143 | |
1401342305 | 1401422879 | t3_26rjnm | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU by ordering myself a vibrator to be sent to me at work (in a hospital).
So a week or so ago I bought a vibrator online to be sent to me at home. I actually live in the suburb of the hospital in which I work, and there is a post office inside the hospital.
Website said that it would come in non-distinguishable packaging so I wasn't too concerned when I got the collect package card in my mail box. So after work I strolled down to the post office to receive my package. The bloke looked pretty red faced when he handed it over, and I looked down at it to see " *PERSONAL* massager pink fun" in big letters on the details box.
:(
Hey-guys: was he cute???
Babycatcher_: In an elderly Asian Grandparent kind of way?
Hey-guys: oh. nah.
too bad!
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1401341080 | 1401348994 | t3_26rifv | t5_2to41 | 71 | Karranas: TIFU by playing with a transit card on a lanyard at a subway station and nearly getting myself killed.
This happened nearly a decade back, when I was a grade 3 elementary schooler who knew nothing better.
Well, since I was in grade 1, I took public transit, and that was either the subway or the bus. I, needless to say, took the subway because it was quicker and if I didn't get a seat, my suffering of standing up on my frail legs would be lower as opposed to standing in a bus stuck in a traffic jam.
That day, I barely missed my train. And by that, I mean when I got to that station, the train has already gone and was (by the indicator) was already leaving the next station. So I stand around and wait. I get really fidgety, and start twirling my lanyard. As it swings from the tip of my finger, it slips- and falls onto the tracks. And not just onto the tracks on the cement, but actually on one of the railtracks.
Let's see, I commenced panic mode, and started to worry about what was going to happen next. Here are some of the thoughts my creative little brain cooked up:
1.The train is going to derail from my card and people are going to die, and I'll never get back home now since I don't have my transit card!
2.My mom's going to be pissed when she hears I lost my transit card!
3.I'm not going to be home for dinner, and I have a math lesson, how will I explain that?
Back then, little me did not have a clue about priorities.
So before thinking any more carefully, I immediately try to jump into the tracks. I thought it wouldn't hurt as much while landing, because the drop seemed reasonably short, and since I was about a meter tall around that time (I think the height was around 2 meters between the platform and the tracks). It hurt. So I just ignored the pain, and walked to the second rail, picked up the card, and tried to find the stairs at the end of the station. So I try to just run/limp/walk as quick as I can to the end of the station. But lo and behold, the dreadful bells start ringing. And the announcement about "standing behind the yellow line" and the one about the station and the train having a wide gap in between, the like. I realize I'm going to be seriously fucked, not just because I'm behind the yellow line, but because there was literally no hope for me reaching the end in time, and that there was a train coming towards me.
So what I do is the following, I try to collect my shit together, make sure my transit card is on my neck this time, and look at the ventilation area (or what seems like a ventilation area) under the platform. I go down there, crouch, and face myself away from the train's incoming direction, and try to ignore the smell around me. I can feel the whooshing of the air coming into the station, and the train eventually reaching me. It luckily didn't hit me, and my heart was racing so hard I had no idea what was going on. The train stopped, made a really loud depressurizing noise, and the doors opened, closed, and the sound signalling the train's departure could be heard. I dared not to look back at the train's wheels and the whole compartment underneath. It started to leave again, and I sucked in my breath again as it did, and it smelled of welding metal while I was down there. A sharp smell of sorts.
So I get up casually knowing that the next train wouldn't be coming for a while, and try to keep myself hidden while walking to the end of the station to go up the stairs and onto the platform. Alas, I was caught by one of the security guards, who pulled me up, asked my name, told me about the dangers that could have happened to me. I was crying at the time, thinking I was going to be in deep shit. But what he said at the end kinda got me, he thought I was stuck in there AFTER the train left. I didn't have the guts nor the heart to tell him I was under the station when all the stuff happened. I kind of feel like if I did tell him that day, he'd have gotten into a load of trouble.
Later that day, I was still scolded by my mother for messing up the bright yellow school uniform jacket. I just told her I slid in the dirt, and nothing much after that. I still haven't told her any of this.
If there's something that seems unclear, let me know. I feel tired, and English is still my second language.
**TL DR: Dropped a transit card on railroad tracks, jumped down to get it, couldn't get to the end of the station in time, almost got ran over by a train, didn't.**
[deleted]: Awwwwwwwwwwwwww the part where you cried :c
But seriously you were under a train???? o.0 That sounds like a nightmare I had once.
Karranas: No, not under. It was to the side, below the platform.
[deleted]: Oh I see, that's still pretty scary though 0.o
| 4 | 17.75 | |
1401343757 | 1401348725 | t3_26rl5a | t5_2to41 | 32 | fronkdonk: TIFU by not shaving my pubes
I was having a wank in my underpants to be stealthy. Suddenly, I notice a burning sensation in the penile region. I summon the one-eyed monster from his cave to inspect. I notice the source of the pain; a pubic hair is poking out of my urethral opening! I proceed to remove the strand, which is about 5 inches long. This was the oddest and one of the most painful sensations I've ever felt. So learn from my mistake, redditors. Always be weary of stray pubes, because you never know where they might end up!
le_django: congrats! a lot of us pay good money for that feeling!
fronkdonk: You just added a whole new level of fucked up to this post.
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1401348293 | 1401376651 | t3_26rp3k | t5_2to41 | 63 | throwaway33924: TIFU by finding a B&W video on xhamster that I hoped I'd never see again.
TIFU by getting a video tape stolen. So, that's about it. The details are not very exciting; girl I knew in college, in her apartment, sexytimes. Black and white video camera, years ago. Haha, make tape, ok. Very funny.
But she was an amazing girl, and I still miss her, so I kept the tape and took it out every once in a while.
Who was ever going to find it, right? It's in a commercial video tape cover way in the back of my attic, in a big box of old video tapes. No way anyone ever runs across it, no problem. Sure.
My house flooded when I was out of the country for two weeks. the roof fell in, everything in the attic got soaked. The box got hauled out with everything else and stacked on the driveway to dry out. Kids stole all sorts of stuff. My roommates brought in anything that looked like it was worth anything, but a box of old tapes? Come on.
But who cares, right? So they stole some old tapes, so what?
Unless it gets uploaded somewhere.
This was three years ago. I haunt the various video sites, just looking for B&W videos. That's hard to search for, by the way. You get a bunch of interracial stuff, and not my lovely redheaded ex riding on top of me with her tits bouncing. Not that I ever wanted to find that, but for the record, it is hard to search for.
Three months ago I found it on xhamster. Worst day of my life. Also, there's a really distinctive piece of furniture in the background, which she still owns and likely will for the rest of her life. She has three kids now. Two boys. They'll be watching porn soon. All their friends will be watching porn soon. One of them will see that God damned thing and remember that they saw that before! And recognize her because yeah, you can see her face, and yeah, she still pretty much looks like that.
It's like waiting for a time bomb to go off.
So anyway, TIFU.
CapedPotato: Not to rub salt into the wound, but even if no-one she knows finds the video it will be 'admired' around the world by thousands of guys.
throwaway33924: I don't care about that. To be honest, she liked to show them off. We went to Mardi Gras together, she spent more time with her shirt up than down, she often didn't even wait to get offered beads. So she wouldn't care if guys were seeing her 24 year old self getting banged, she'd think it was funny.
But she wouldn't think it being in a place where her sons will find it and be able to identify her is funny. That's what I'm worried about.
CapedPotato: Fair nuff. Are you in the video also?
throwaway33924: I'm holding the camera, so you don't see me much. She'd know who it was, but my face isn't in it and the parts of me that are in it are pretty generic.
CapedPotato: Man it sounds horrible but all you can do is hope no one finds it, good luck
| 6 | 10.5 | |
1401349667 | 1401399823 | t3_26rq6m | t5_2to41 | 2,971 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to shit on a cockroach
This monster cockroach had taken up residence in my bathroom for like the last year but whenever I tried to catch him he would always slip my grasp. About 10 minutes ago I finally corner the bastard in my wife's tampon box. I find a way to maneuver the roach into the toilet without wasting any tampons (because fuck emergency runs to the grocery store for that crap.) and a sense of victory washes over me. But is this enough for 9deep4u? Oh hell no I want this fucker to suffer. I decide I'm going to drop a load on him before I flush him, a dishonorable sendoff. So I get on the toilet and start going to work. It starts coming out and this is one solid log I had been holding on to for about half an hour (because xbox) I aim by looking through my legs, all is going well, the log is right on coarse. Eventually it makes contact, and this is when all hell breaks lose. The roach goes full rambo and climbs UP MY SHIT towards my butthole! I panic and start jumping around like a 50's housewife who just spotted a rat. Mind you my log hadn't been broken yet so I'm spreading that shit all over the bathroom in the process. Best part? The little bastard got away. Now I'm sitting on my computer procrastinating cleaning my bathroom covered in fecal matter.
TL;DR Tried to shit on a cockroach, got everyhting but the cockroach.
Edit: New here but I guess this is a thing. Thank you for the gold kind stranger!
3and4-fifthsKitsune: karma...
derchad: That's what he gets for acting like a fucking Bond villain. "No Mr. Roach. I expect you to die."
magmabrew: He mono-logged too long.
ProdigyLightshow: This is great
EbolaPie: I thought it was kind of a shitty pun.
BobVosh: Man, can't we stop this crap?
Yeah_I_Said_It_Buddy: This thread is flushed full of puns and is really going down the drain.
m2012e: poop
| 9 | 330.111111 | |
1401348703 | 1401379594 | t3_26rpge | t5_2to41 | 12 | Evoblue: TIFU by accidentally subscribing my mother to NSFW
I was lol'ing at somewhat nsfw youtube, when mother walks in, simple, alt tab
She wants to print some stuff, log into her gmail, print stuff, mother leaves
Continue watching lulz, subscribe, complete lulz, notice I'm not logged into my own account, simple, delete youtube history
Log out, wait, I subscribed, cannot log back in, mothers youtube account is now subscribed to [Jake Lava](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5d6UQawTuBY) and only [Jake Lava](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChoxc58JVjk_HVVWdtYxsjg)
Time bomb ticks.
Edit: Links
Razultull: If it's on Youtube it's probably not that NSFW
TrimPampano: [America's contribution to boobs](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wb_Q0hoYwKo)
| 3 | 4 | |
1401355784 | 1401376013 | t3_26ruzp | t5_2to41 | 18 | JCWalker97: TIFU by ripping my dick off
No throwaway, no fear.
Hello reddit, about 4 years ago I fucked up. Majorly.
Little 14 year old me was all set for a night of serious wanking after having just found out a girl who I considered to be the hottest girl in school likes me. Don't judge me here but, I began flicking through her Facebook photos while tugging it. Things were going well, I'd found a pretty stunning photo that I had put alongside my porn as I was getting off. That's when the fuck up occurred. My mother opened my bedroom door, she had no reason to knock as she had no clue I was at that stage of my life. I went into full-blown panic mode and as quickly as I could, pulled my foreskin back up, flicked my boxers back on and turned off the monitor. Except, in moving my foreskin I had ripped it. The thin bit of skin attaching the foreskin to the end of the penis had ripped entirely. Blood coated my boxers. You maimed your dick? Cool. But oh wait, there's more. Being the stupid fuck I was, I decided that my cock bleeding wasn't a medical emergency and that it'd be okay if I first went to wash it to clean any nob-rotting bacteria away and dressed it using an old pair of trainer socks and an elastic band to hold it in place. I give myself credit for the cock bandage as it's a difficult shape to bandage so in choosing a sock, id done quite well. To this day I still have the scars on my nob from this ordeal and worry that every time a girl sees it, she'll call me out of the scars on my dick.
TL;DR TORE FORESKIN WHILE MASTERBATING OVER A GIRL ON FACEBOOK.
Makoaddict: Everybody is snapping their banjo today...
I snapped mine mid sex, unprotected, my gf thought it was her that was bleeding and we both had to go to the hospital :[
Edit: There will also be no scar, it will either grow back or it won't, it's a really common thing.
JCWalker97: I'm looking down at my little friend right now and there definitely is scarring on both the foreskin and the top of the penis....
Makoaddict: Oh, weird.
I wouldn't worry too much about it, girls don't inspect your penis that thoroughly unless they're already comfortable enough not to care.
JCWalker97: Thanks dude, next mission is to find a lady to show my penis to
Makoaddict: They're not hard to FIND, it's just finding one that won't immediately call the police when you show them.
JCWalker97: That's the issue. I find a nice one, club her round the head and drag her back to my cave to mate but she spouts words like 'police' 'rape' 'sued'
Makoaddict: Do you not just [tell her to calm down?](http://fearless-selling.ca/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Silence.jpg)
JCWalker97: But that's covering a valuable orifice!
| 9 | 2 | |
1401363354 | 1401401122 | t3_26s1b3 | t5_2to41 | 22 | Kittenyberk: TIFU by weaponising my hands.
Tl;Dr: Made pepper spray, assaulted myself with it out of plain old stupid.
This morning has been a perfect storm of frustration, anger and stupidity, with a healthy slosh of hot sauce involved.
I ought to make it clear at this point, I'm not *usually* a fucking moron and know how to handle spices, but today was exceptional.
Anyway, my wife and I are currently fostering a lurcher puppy with a predilection for chewing just about anything, but mostly socks and shoes, we've mostly caught her before much harm is done, a few old shoes have died, but such is life.
Mindful of this, shoes stay away from the dog, or at least on places she can't reach.
That was my first fuckup, she got my trainers last night.
I took some advice from the person we're fostering her from, who suggested dousing anything she chews in hot sauce, so next time she chews she has a bad experience.
Okay, rummage in the kitchen... Mad Dog's Revenge, Million scoville, that'll do it, so I empty that into a spray bottle, along with enough lemon juice to allow it to spray.
At this point, I'm feeling really fucking clever, the dog will learn.
Hold my shoes outside, spray liberally with concoction. (yep, that's fuckup #2)
I manage, to get some overspray on my hand, and a little bit of a blowback into my face, enough to cause me to sneeze a few times, stick the shoes down for the dog to enjoy later and like a twat I wipe my eyes, with the hand I just recently weaponised.
There's only one solution to this problem (in my fucking stupid mind) wash my face off!
Yep, now both eyes are covered in dilute chilli hell, my nose is running like a snotty toddler and my lips are burning because I wipe my nose.
It's about an hour and a half later now, I still burn, but at least I can see, I do however look a bit like that special variety of woman with 17 distinct allergies who lurks in health food stores.
breakingmad1: Know your pain last night I was cutting some chilles then scratched my balls
WarGravyWhat: That's a pain you never forget...but It keeps happening to me. I forgot to wash my hands after handling some habaneros and a ghost chili. Scratched my balls, never forget.
breakingmad1: The worst was when I had a shit and wiped. I had intensely washed my hands after handling the chillis so thought it was safe. Had to use the shower head to cool off
WarGravyWhat: Literally gave yourself fire hole, damn.
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1401370656 | 1401397861 | t3_26s9n4 | t5_2to41 | 13 | goodkareem: TIFU by forgetting about the streaming porn.
This was three days ago but its finally settled in. Im deployed. I live in a shared shipping container with another male. We have work schedules that give me about 2 hours before he comes home and he gets about 2 hours alone after I leave. Most of the time personal business is handled around this time. This past sunday we both ended up having the same day off. I waiting to see if he was leaving out to go work out or something while I played WoW. As soon as he leaves I decided to start streaming some porn videos. Now keep in mind the internet out here is very slow. I generally start to stream and then 10-15 minutes later watch them.
So I wait about 10 minutes after my roommate leaves and decide to go to the bathroom. I take out my headphones and plug them into my ipod. The bathrooms are outside and on a different floor. When i get down there I see my roommate leaving the bathroom, he had only went down to take a shit. I get in there to take a shit and before my ass touches the seat the thought springs into my head that the porn my be done. I pull up my pants and run back upstairs. My roommate is on the phone. The porn is playing at full volume. The phone is positioned right above the desk and hes trying to navigate out of WoW and close the porn because he is talking to his boss. After I get back I shimmy past him and turn off the audio. He gives me this look like hes pissed and I leave to take a shit. The past few days I havent really seen him. Ive been asleep when he gets him and hes asleep when i get up. Im afraid his boss heard the porn, a matter in fact theres no way the porn wasnt heard. Im sure it will all blow over eventually because hes generally pretty mild.
goodkareem: How do I know he was talking to his boss, he was saying "yes,sir and no, sir" over the phone. If it wasnt his direct boss it was at least someone more important than us.
necpker: Don't ever say someone is more important than you. Everyone should be equal! and happy.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1401363859 | 1401375396 | t3_26s1rh | t5_2to41 | 26 | GiZ1987: TIFU because I was driving drunk - really drunk
Hellou Reddit,
here is one that is not as funny but maybe more a warning. All what I am going to write happened two weekends back.
We where over the weekend on a shoot in a small town in the north of the Czech Republic. The night before the shoot we arrived and agreed to have a beer and maybe a small joint before we go to bed. Calltime was 7:00 o'clock and we wouldn't wanna be wasted in the prospect of a full day's shoot.
Turns out we went with a good friend to a small motel style restaurant to have those said beers. At around 7 PM the mayor arrived and joined in. As we all where in a good mood I decided to scale things up a bit by ordering some slivovic (Czech Plum Brandy). Well bad choice since it's kind of a custom for everyone to order a round afterwards. I think we had around 8 4cl shots each plus multiple beers.
Piss drunk we decided to drive the 30 m to the local disco - a very funny place. Especially if you favour Berlin clubs. This drive already being stupid went remarkably well and I guess by around 11PM we where there loading more beers. My mind starts to blackout from that time for the most parts. Our accomodation was another 50 m away and we somehow decided to still have that joint. Well as we hop into the car to drive the rest I decided for whichever stupid fucking reason to take a small ride few km up the road and back. Until today I have no clue why I did this stupid shit. I usually don't even drive when I had a small beer or anything - I am out of principle against driving drunk.
Well as we made our way on the road another car passed us in a slightly bent S-Curve. Meanwhile it had rained which in my drunk state I did not realise. Upon evasion we started to slip and hit a stone pillar on the side. As a result we where catapulted onto the other roadside where we destroyed some railings and a telephone pole. Nothing horrible in the end happened - nobody was hurt, only the car was totalled. Police came and let me breath to find out that I had above 1.8 grams of alcohol in my bloodstream. Strangely enough I can only really start remembering the evening once the police arrived. Despite those high levels I was instantly sobber. All in all I had huge luck, police was nice and helped out and only the car is lost. I will still have to pay the fine, fix the things and they wont let me drive for a year. But yeah I am happy for this as it could've ended really bad.
TL;DR DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE !!!!!
exzeroex: I guess you're lucky you weren't in a country where drinking and driving would've resulted in a lot more than the lost of a car when the police arrive.
GiZ1987: Yeah, I wonder what would happen in the US actually - can anyone elaborate?
ybbih: Jail. Fines. Suspension of driving privileges. Judicial buttfucking.
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1401371710 | 1401372245 | t3_26sb2z | t5_2to41 | 14 | spillern1: TIFU by punching a kid in the hip.
This happened a while ago when I was in 7th grade. Another classmate had been picking on me and I had enough. I decided i was going to punch him in the solar plexus during recess. I learned from doing taekwondo what that would entail for him. I went and I landed my punch but he rotated and jumped as I went to hit him. My thumb caught the side of his hip while the rest hit his kidney. Immediately my thumb hurt. I decided I wouldn't go to the nurse for fear of getting in trouble. Almost immediately after this decision my thumb swelled up and was purple in a matter of minutes. I said screw it and decided to play some basketball with what was left of my recess and I made sure a teacher seen me shooting hoops. Afterwards I went to my next class and my teacher caught a glimpse of my thumb. It was even more swollen by this point. She was freaking out and sent me to the nurse. At this point I am freaking out because I have already been sent to anger management once for retaliating against bullies. I pass it off as a basketball injury and say I have broken my pinky as well playing basketball in the past ( i actually did break my little finger that way, direct impact straight down on the point of my finger.) They seem surprised but immediately call my parents and make me go get an xray. Sure enough I shattered my damn growth plate in my right thumb. Not only did I have a full cast on my right hand, I happen to be right handed. That made writing not so fun. But I got away with it so I got that going for me which is nice. Hell my parents never even found out the truth till this year. I'm 24 now so it was roughly 12 years ago.
Uddyc: You missed out on the opportunity to use that cast as a fiberglass hammer of justice.
spillern1: This is true. the other kid never ratted me out and he never picked on me again though so it wasn't necessary. I think he got the point. I just had to deal with a broken thumb for a while. Actually now that I think about it, I can't remember anyone picking on me after this particular incident. I guess they finally put 2 and 2 together. Picking on a ginger = pain for you.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1401360848 | 1401384902 | t3_26rz2q | t5_2to41 | 16 | Bogus1989: TIFU by not shitting before I left for work.
So I am in the Army. I was in a mandatory school you have to go through at a certain time at a certain rank. In this case it was ALC or Advanced Leaders Course. You cannot and should not be late to this any day. The class is around 30 days. If you fail the school you usually get the boot out of the Army. Anyways, so we have to be there to do PT or physical training in the morning, it starts at 5:30am. Me and my buddy have to drive quite a bit to get there so we leave at 4:30am. Before we go we stop at the gas station and grab a banana and a 5 hour energy. Eat and drink the 5 hour energy on the way there. We arrive around 5:40. So basically this takes place on a field where there is no bathrooms and I am stationed on another base and I am not familiar where anything is on this base. I get out of his truck and get the bubble guts...and its bad realllly bad, my abdomen hurts. I kindof freak out, like FUCK I HAVE TO SHIT AND IM GONNA BE LATE FUCKKKKK! So I tell my buddy to tell them I am going to find a place to shit and that I am here. I just take off fucking running to the closest place. I enter a random building. I ask a random dude, hey where is the bathroom? he points me to a door down the hall. Thank god, now I can poop. So I run in there and blast my fuckin brains out. I feel much better until I start looking around. No toilet paper in sight. I start opening cabinets and drawers...nothing. I then stare at a weird looking mat type thing in the corner. It says Bally Total Fitness on it. Oh its going down. I waddle over to it and unravel it and wipe my ass as best as I can. I say to myself FUCK BALLY TOTAL FITNESS. kinda try to stuff this huge pad into the garbage, pull up my pants, open the door, and take off sprinting back to the field. I ended up making it back right as the instructors were walking up.
Turns out it was an MP or Military Police company. I hate MP's so I thought it was funny. Sorry if I confused anyone with the lingo.
chylo2: If it makes you feel better one of my friends resorted to wiping their ass with a poptart wrapper before
Bogus1989: Thats pretty fuckin hilarious
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1401381332 | 1401389231 | t3_26sqlq | t5_2to41 | 113 | Ththrwawyovrthmmnts: TIFU by hitting a parked car on my bike. Here's the note I left
hi there, I regret to inform you that i crashed headlong into the rear of your vehicle.
in my defense i was on my way to get coffee and donuts while jammin some sweet van morrison in my earbuds.
i skirted off the sidewalk and your car just popped out of nowhere. at any rate,
i flipped headlong over your trunk. although i see no physical damage to your hyundai, damage to my testicles may be imparing my judgement. please call cody xxxxxxxxxxxx
Ththrwawyovrthmmnts: Relieved that I'm not peeing blood. on closer inspection, my dong received some minor cuts on impact with the handle bars
Wommie: As someone who's split their ball sack open crashing a bike into a car, you got off lightly :)
GundamWang: How long did that take to heal?
Wommie: Can't remember now, was around 20 years ago. Just felt like I'd been kicked in the nuts really hard at first, then put my hand down for a feel and it came out red. Trip to A&E and had a few stitches in my ball sack. Think I was more embarrassed then anything else.
breakingmad1: Trust me that's not even bad compared to what some paramedics deal with. My mate got a call to someone with a loo brush up there arse, they said they were cleaning and felll...but here's the twist, it was up his arse bristles first lmao!
Wommie: Got to make sure that arsehole is sparkly clean :)
| 7 | 16.142857 | |
1401381746 | 1401395351 | t3_26sra6 | t5_2to41 | 57 | Spach-: TIFU by unknowingly blaring porn in public
Fuck-up from earlier this year; It was noon on campus at my university, I was meandering about through the central courtyard while listening to my ipod.
*Phone buzzes.* I grab it out of my pocket and respond to a couple texts from a friend. Knowing that they would respond shortly, I decide to keep walking through the courtyard with my phone still in my hand -- so I don't look like a fool for putting my phone in my pocket only to take it out 2 seconds later. As it turns out, my iphone was having trouble with the lock button at this point in time; So as I am walking and listening to my music, I unintentionally brush my phone screen up against my leg.
Unfortunately it isn't until I reach the other side of the courtyard when I receive a response from my friend. But when I look down to my phone screen I notice that I somehow navigated into my videos and began playing a hardcore anal scene at full volume. I immediately scramble to put the phone in my pocket while mashing the volume button. Shit. And to think that all the girls were smiling because they thought I was cute...
the_dinks: How were you listening to music if your phone was playing a video?
Spach-: I have an old nano that I listen to music on. I suppose I could put all my music on my phone, but that would mean less room for videos.
halosldr: Less room for "videos" Haha, that's a man with priorities
| 4 | 14.25 | |
1401381409 | 1401413136 | t3_26sqqf | t5_2to41 | 5,207 | SGDove: TIFU: I sent a .gif to my real-life best friend last night. She threw up and hasn't spoken to me since.
So for many years now, my gaming buddies and I have had a pretty good running joke about a .gif from 4chan. We, being hardened internet veterans see this .gif as rather tame; however I broke one of the laws of interwebz by crossing my internet life with my real social one. I thought my best friend would find it just as funny as I do now, although I realized she's not as desensitized as I am towards the internet.
So I sent it to her over Facebook while we were talking, and her first comment was about how she was eating and vomit insued. She then said she needed some time away from her electronics because it was rather heavy for her.
Everyday we talk over the phone in the morning but when I called her she hung up right away. I think she's still a little upset.
But what is this .gif that may have destroyed my friendship? Right here. [FYD](http://imgur.com/qM1eAkC).
**Edit:** *Apparently having lightweights as friends be damned according to Reddit. She can be empathetic, smart, pretty, and creative, but if she's a little queezy, shes not worth my time. You're right Reddit. I'll be posting my next post in a few days and I'll call it "TIFU BY LISTENING TO REDDIT."*
el_crunz: That's the gif that made her throw up?! Jeez, rookie.
SGDove: Ikr? [Fuckin' Casual.](http://i.imgur.com/5o0f15P.jpg)
Mundology: Imagine the ensuing chaos if she accidentally went to /r/wtf, /r/FiftyFifty, /r/nsfl, /r/Gore, /r/watchpeopledie or /r/CuteFemaleCorpses D: Those subreddits are NSFW/NSFL btw, venture at your own risk!
Wiiplay123: don't click the CuteFemaleCorpses one.
EDIT: RIP in peace my inbox, 2013-2014. Destroyed by cute female corpses. Seriously guys don't click :'c
[Here, listen to the NSA theme song instead.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMOGaugKpzs)
Nerd_Swag: >don't click any of them.
FTFY
smellytacos: /r/FiftyFifty can be rewarding... sometimes
plasticsleeper: > /r/FiftyFifty
it was fun until you just basically realise it's a covert porn sub.
AdrianBlake: Yeah great in concept but now its just porn and death videos, neither of which I want thanks.
plasticsleeper: yh I mean there's nothing wrong with porn, but if I wana watch porn I'd rather just watch it properly thatn something that's pretending to not be porn if you get my drift
AdrianBlake: And death vids I just think are an obscene violation of a person's dignity in their most private moment.
plasticsleeper: I won't lie I'd be freaked out but otherwise wouldn't give a shit
AdrianBlake: It's not so much worrying about it affecting me, I've seen death closer than I'd like before. It's the idea that someone's life is being taken from them, it's their final moments and people just watch it for entertainment. I'd hate to think of my family having to deal with the knowledge that people are watching my death for shits n giggles.
plasticsleeper: happens with a whole bunch of other things I'm afraid, it's a *little* bit hypocritical to only get offended by things just because they hit home. fair enough if it's too much for you personally, but that doesn't mean it's offensive in general
AdrianBlake: No again, its not that it hits me or is too much, when i said I'd seen the real thing, I meant it as "so videos don't really compare". it's that its a massive disrespect to take a form of entertainment value from someone's final and ultimate indignity. Same way I think it's abhorrent that people watch rape videos etc
plasticsleeper: aahh fair enough. I think my pov just came from being fairly desensitized to all the shit you see, hear and find out about on the web. now that I think about it it's quite fucked up, but since there's so much equally fucked up shit out there it kinda cancels out the part of it that's fucked up, that and the emotional distance of course. I doubt people who do get off to rape porn would enjoy it if it were right infront of them, especially if it were someone they knew
| 16 | 325.4375 | |
1401382943 | 1401387673 | t3_26stav | t5_2to41 | 47 | cloud_surfer: TIFU by locking a stranger's dog in another stranger's garage
I am shopping for a house, and yesterday I went with my broker to view some houses. There is this one house we looked at that has an attached garage, but it only had a garage door, and it doesn't have direct access to the house. The house is not vacant, meaning someone still lives there. We got in the house with a key they put in a lock box.
When we were done looking inside the house, I wondered how big the interior the garage is. This is not the greatest house, and it has a manual garage door. It was slightly cracked open, so I pulled the door up. Suddenly, a dog appeared behind me, and peed all over my shoes. I was like "oh shit I just let the dog out", so I quickly grabbed the dog, and pushed it into the garage and closed it.
15 seconds later, a young blond woman appeared, with a dog leash, without a dog. She asked "Have you guys seen a beagle running off?"
Uh Oh! I pointed to the garage and said I thought it was from inside, and I put it back in. No big deal, we'll just open the door and get the dog out right?. Nope! The garage door locked when I closed it. The girl was panicking, and yelling at me, and there was absolutely nothing I could do. My broker called the seller's agent, and got their number. We told him what happened, and he had to come home from work (an hour away) to get the dog out. He was pissed, the dog lady was pissed, and my shoes were covered in piss.
TL;DR Looked at a house I potentially wanted to buy, opened garage door, randomly person's dog appeared and peed on me, put dog in garage, locked garage.
zonkedforlife: So did you buy the house?
cloud_surfer: Nope. Hated the garage arrangement.
Darkenshade: Yeah it had a pissy dog inside of it too. 0/10 would not buy.
| 4 | 11.75 | |
1401385797 | 1401404872 | t3_26sy2m | t5_2to41 | 11 | fortunate-ones: TIFU mocking someone who asked me out...
So there I was at lunch, reading my kindle in a corner as usual, and a reasonably cute guy walks up to me. He seemed fairly confident, and had a bit of a smug looking smile on his face. He took a quick glance behind him, and turned back to me, doing that weird head flick 'sup' motion. Now, I had seen this look before (or so I thought). I looked the direction he had, to see a table full of high schools finest (popular, preppy, people), most of which were friends of my brother's (who was popular, but not prep, before he dropped out) giggling and looking at us. He then proceeded to say,
"Hey, I'm Eric, would you possibly wanna get lunch with me in a bit or like... coffee or something?"...now, I have never been all that pretty, and have gotten used to the dicks and bitches that pull shit like this for laughs. That being said, I should have handled it better...
"Haha, very funny. Seriously, not over done, at all." Glaring at him for a moment, I felt my eyes roll before looking down at my kindle... but not quickly enough to miss his face fall to the floor... This made me curious, but stubborn as I am, I continued to look down as he trudged back to his table... and kept walking. I looked up as I realized he walked past the group of preps, and stopped at a table of people sketching and playing magic the gathering. Younger than me, but still my kinds of people.
I'm in an AP class that changes my lunchtime to the one my group of friends don't have. I'd even thought of getting to know these guys to try and open up a bit, and I'm still pretty surprised I didn't recognize him. He's cute enough to remember (after the fact, which also sucks).
He only shook his head when he got there, and I could tell he was genuinely shaken. He sat with his back to me and the two girls at the table, glared me down as I know he recounted the incident. I have ceramics with one of the girls, and had actually talked with her quite often (compared to others in my class... I am not a socialite).
I am such a bitch. My stomach hurts just thinking about his posture, as he sat quietly the rest of lunch period, face on his hand... a glare, and confused look here and there, shot at me from his other table mates. Like a coward, I just stayed there, a big stupid jerk, not quite knowing how to explain myself for this one. Finally when the bell rang I went to class and still said nothing.
God I suck. Maybe I'll be brave and try to find him tomorrow.
TLDR; I thought a guy asked me out to poke fun at me, and told him to fuck off (paraphrasing, though I may as well have)... He was genuine, and I'm a Ho.
UPDATE! So in the class I have with his female friend, I actually had time to talk to her during wheel time, and explain myself. She gave me his number and said he was pretty much as sad about it as hed looked. :( She tried to tell him that I hadn't seemed the type to be such a bitch about it, even if I didn't want to. After texting him and telling him who I was, he accepted my apology, but seemed (understandably) apprehensive about asking again...
But he did :3 after texting all day, I think he started to not feel the hurt anymore and actually teased me (nicely) about it a bit later on. We had different lunches today though so it'll have to be tomorrow, but he's extremely sweet and a bit odd (in a cute way so far) so thanks for all the advice guy's!
I wish still, I could have told him to his face, but that may have backfired. I also didn't want him to hear it through her, and I wouldn't have had the chance to talk to him at lunch. I figured texting him would be less creepy than hunting him down between classes and trying to shove the intro, explanation, and awkward goodbye into 5 minutes...
[deleted]: ... You didn't even know him. Why would you wanna go out with him? And why would he wanna ask you out?! I think your reaction was appropriate. Date people you know/have things in common with and meet through common activities. He didn't even try to strike a conversation before asking you out? ... there's more socially adept people in the world
fortunate-ones: ...and I am not one of them ha. I got the impression the girl I share a class with may have vouched for me... but also, I hardly ever meet new people, so this method would have worked fine for me if I wasn't dumb.
sadstork: Seriously, just explain it to him like you explained it here. I'm sure it would make him feel a million times better, and you two might even hit it off.
fortunate-ones: I'll do my best, but it does feel a bit pathetic to have to explain that I'm too used to being pushed around to be asked out to lunch lol.
sadstork: Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and admit embarrassing stuff to people will serve you well if the people in question are worth knowing. Especially since right now he probably thinks you were looking down on him.
fortunate-ones: I hope not : ( but that is what I'm feeling at the moment. I'd never do that to someone on purpose. I know I'll talk to him, I just hope it'll actually fix it.
| 7 | 1.571429 | |
1401386473 | 1401389976 | t3_26sz8m | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU - I [24m] almost got a girl pregnant, cheated on my girlfriend.
This actually happened last weekend. Me 24[m] with my 25 [f] girlfriend. We were at a bar with some distant friends and stuff having a good time. She went home early (she drove) I told her I'd cab it home later. It's important to note that almost everyone there in our group was a new person that I met that night, except for my best friend [m].
Enter the temptress. She was a really good looking girl, who I had never met before, she was with our group as a friend of a friend of a friend (you know how it goes).
Anyways, I was pretty drunk. We moved from the bar to a house party. She was hitting on me all night, and I was flirting back pretty hard. We ended up having sex at the party. It was about 3 am, she was passed out in the bed. I threw up in the bathroom from nausea/guilt for what I just did.
We had unprotected sex as well. Before I go further with the story, I've been tested, 100% clear.
Anyways, I'm sneaking out of the house, my best friend is sitting on the couch downstairs. He's like...what the hell did you just do?
I told him. He goes on to tell me that this girl I slept with is a complete psycho and is baby-crazy. As in she goes around sleeping with guys trying to get impregnated.
I proceed to throw up again.
I come up with a plan...
Its 4am, I'm exhausted, so I catch some z's on the couch, and set my alarm for 8am. I wake up, everyone in the house is still sound asleep. I go to the drug store, buy the morning after pill. I stop at a Starbucks, grab two coffees.
I get back to the house, the temptress is still sound asleep. I wake her up gently offering her the coffee, in which I placed the pill.
It is impossible that my girlfriend would have found out that I cheated on her, but I told her anyways (everything), and she forgave me, but broke up with me. Fair enough. I accept my consequences.
Just needed to share. Thanks for listening.
octavesemitone: lol scum
WPBDoc: No lol....but plenty of scum.
MennyC123:
Lots of lol. Not enough scum
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1401387172 | 1401396602 | t3_26t0gm | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU 4years ago by masturbating to a pic of my cousin
MagmaKnight: Accidentally jerked off to a picture of your 2nd cousin and then contemplated killing yourself. God knows what you would do if you ended up like some of the people on here and accidentally had sex with a family member.
fireisveryfun: Murder suicide I have a plan.
halosldr: Man....glad I'm not in your family..... I hope....
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1401380387 | 1401397695 | t3_26soy7 | t5_2to41 | 5 | nocturnal_alpaca: TIFU by shitting myself in the shower.
This tifu doesn't pan out how you expect it though. So I was having a lovely shower, when suddenly I felt the urge to take a massive shit. Of course, being the idiot I am I decided to try and hold it in. But I failed at holding it in completely and it was coming out, so in a moment of illogical panic, I grab the sponge closest to me and try and wipe the shit off my asshole with said sponge. Or something like that. I'm not really sure what my intentions were. Anyway I take the sponge out of my ass to inspect the damage, and I screamed so loud, and so femininely I'm very surprised my family didn't hear me. On the sponge there lay a MASSIVE lump of shit. It, like, covered the whole damn sponge. I stand there, jumping up and down, until I have an idea. I jump out of the shower and run over to the toilet, lift up the lid, then shove the shit sponge down the toilet really aggressively. I was going crazy at that point and I just wanted the shit to be gone. I take out the sponge. All that is left of the shit is some slightly suspicious brown stains that, luckily, no one in my family addressed. I am still shaken :P
Edit: I threw out the sponge after :P
Genuine-Gentleman: Wait. You didn't throw out the sponge? The fuck?
nocturnal_alpaca: Oh no, I threw it out later :P
Genuine-Gentleman: I was wondering why nobody was questioning those suspicious brown stains. Crisis averted.
nocturnal_alpaca: Yeah, however my sister did go into the bathroom right as I was about to throw it out and I was so worried she'd see it, which she did not
| 5 | 1 | |
1401387102 | 1401400240 | t3_26t0cp | t5_2to41 | 38 | [deleted]: TIFU by making bagel bites.
My internship is close to my house so I have the pleasure of going home to eat lunch every day. My SO and I are in an LDR and she has been asleep most of the morning so we haven't been talking. I get home and settled, and my phone starts ringing. It's my SO, and she wants to Facetime. We start talking and I set my phone on the counter because I need to pull the bagel bites out of the oven. She starts calling my name and asking me where I went. I tell her to hold on. She doesn't hear me, keeps calling my name. I say hold on again. She *still* doesn't hear me. I have a hot pan in one hand and I'm trying to clear the table with the other, while simultaneously trying to close the oven with my leg. I also have two cats pawing at my other foot thinking it's their time to eat. I promptly lose my shit. I lean over to the phone sitting on the counter and loudly yell I FUCKING SAID HOLD ON.
"Wow." She says. She hangs up.
Headed to the liquor store after the internship, it's gonna be a long day making up for that one.
TL;DR made bagel bites, screamed at my phone, SO is very mads
Ghostofazombie: What is this, Degrassi? Explain what happened, and if she still wants to be angry over such a trivial misunderstanding then tell her to fuck off.
Who_Fucking_Cares__: At least Degrassi was about wheelchair people. This is about my username.
dildocave: hopefully nothing stupid and trivial happens like this in the future
but then maybe it wheel
| 4 | 9.5 | |
1401386658 | 1401474541 | t3_26szjz | t5_2to41 | 1,026 | badbrained: TIFU by farting in my doctor's hot interns face
Although this happened many years ago, the humility scar will always remain...
I was 13 and taking my annual physical for football (american), and it was the first time my mother allowed me to go into the doc's office while she waited in the lobby. I had just started going through puberty and was extremely proud of the hair i had sprouted around my business, and in a fucked up way was somewhat stoked to have the doc see the man I had become.
So I get escorted back to the exam room where I wait for 5-10 minutes for the doctor to come in. He comes in with a smoking hot 20 something intern with clipboard in hand. I'm thinking to myself, "all good..shes just taking down my vitals and she'll be outta here"...that thought lasted seconds, up until the doc said "Hey Badbrained, this is such and such my intern, are you ok with her being here for your exam?" Inside, I was screaming FUCK NO IM NOT OK, but in an effort to not look like a bitch, I agreed to her attendance.
Knowing that I'm moments away from exposing myself to a drop dead gorgeous intern, I end up wigging myself out to point that my 13 year old junk had completely turtled inside my pelvis. I panic, and start thinking of ANYTHING arousing to pop the guy back out, but to no avail. I was so nervous, I thought I was gonna puke.
Doc gets to the hernia exam portion of the party, and both he and the intern crouch down to inspect my tackle. He's facing me on one knee, while she's off to the side slightly...but RIGHT the fuck up in there. He tells me to turn my head and cough, and I oblige. Evidently I didn't cough hard enough, so he asks me to do it again. This time, I cough so fucking hard I twist my body along with my head, and accidentally blast her right in the face with an out of control fart. Doc looks up and says "Yeah son, not THAT hard".
I was so embarrassed that I made up some bullshit months down the road to my mother so she would be down with me switching doctors. Good times.
misterdylicious: Fucking crying right now
Gamepower25: Really? That's fucking great man, I'm really fucking happy for you.
Realistick: You need some wind in the face, son.
Gamepower25: What, are you going to fart on my face?
Realistick: I'm usually not into kinky stuff, but you need some stress-relief. I'll sacrifice my dignity for you and give you a warm breeze in the face so you'll feel like you're on holiday in the warm Sahara desert.
spacecowboy007: Gamepower25 is German. That's just foreplay to them.
| 7 | 146.571429 | |
1401384579 | 1401392383 | t3_26sw26 | t5_2to41 | 178 | Jpenz42: TIFU BY EXPOSING MYSELF TO A GROUP OF KIDS (AND A TENNIS INSTRUCTOR) NSFW
This actually happened quite sometime ago and upon hearing of this subreddit i thought I would share my story. Here we go.
I am 20 at the time, working as a head counselor for the 11 year old boys group in a summer camp. As part of the days activities we had a scheduled dodgeball match against a rival camp. All went well and we were victorious. After the match I took the campers back to our site for a pizza lunch. The pizza arrives and the campers go to town. I am sitting on a bench enjoying my pizza while the campers all sit in a circle on the grass enjoying theirs.
I am digging into another slice when I notice that my campers are excessively giggling. I must have missed the joke so I thought nothing of it. Still eating my pizza not paying any mind to the laughing children when I see the tennis instructor walk by. I had a huge crush on her and she was smoking hot. As she strolls along she does a double take at me, stands completely frozen for what must have seemed at least a minute, drops her pizza on the floor then swiftly turns around and scurries off back to the tennis court.
By this time, my campers are dying in laughter so I am like what the fuck is the joke here? My co-counselor then walks over and whispers in my ear, "dude, just look down."
I do so, and I am mortified to learn that my entire left nut is hanging out of a gigantic hole in my shorts. At some point during the dodgeball match I must have split my shorts. I quickly excused myself, drove home, changed, and then spent the next week hoping I did not get any visits from angry parents (or the police) claiming I exposed myself to some kids.
Today I share this story with you, many years later (and hoping the statute of limitations has expired).
Strictly_loud: How do you nut notice your not hanging out of your shorts?
minlite: Mine feel cold when hanging out so I notice it..
ChakaCausey: "I feel the wind, I push it in." -Rodney Carrington
| 4 | 44.5 | |
1401391360 | 1401433769 | t3_26t7mq | t5_2to41 | 92 | Michealmas: Tifu - 'That IT guy' potentially causes millions in damages trying to be a good employee
So I'm an account manager for a services company in the UK. I work my sack off. And this was my day today...
I am the go to guy in our office for IT but I am by no means a guru. I fix PC's and gadgets from home on the side for a bit of extra cash. I did a year or two in IT doing repairs. I'm the guy your nan rings when her printer doesn't work.
I am 'that guy'.
My big boss just asked me to go reset the server, it's like the 50th thing I've had to do today so I jump up and get it done. Now I'm not skilled to that kinda level, I understand how a server works on a basic level and I can do a few neat tricks here and there that make me look like a genius to your average user but anything more than second tier tech support is above my skill level. So I ask him to talk me through it quick before I go in. He gives me a couple of instructions and off I go. I walk into our server room and went through what I was told; 'turn off all the power, unplug the router then pull all the other plugs'. Turns out this server room is shared by the entire building.
It's how i imagine the SS felt when they were told to shoot children. Alarm bells were ringing and I knew what I was about to do was fundamentally wrong but the burden of responsibility in my mind had shifted and now I was just autonomous. I just kept pulling shit out while my inner nerd wept in a corner like a beaten housewife.
It was a fucking train wreck.
I pulled the plug on 12 different offices. All multi million pound businesses. People are freaking out. Ended up sat outside mid panic attack praying I didn't cause any irreparable damage waiting for everything to come back up.
People. Are. Mad.
Building management is panicking. Electricians and IT guys are bombarding me with questions while I sit in my office sweating like Anne Franks dad in a pizza oven. The bill in terms off loss of business will probably run over 6 figures. Servers have been down for hours. Thankfully my boss hadn't figured out yet quite how bad this could get. As far as he's concerned I just knocked out the Internet. Only been in this job 2 weeks. My other half has a baby due next month. Someone kill me.
When I left the building was a ghost town. Everyone who wasn't going full tilt trying to fix my catastrophic fuck up had left for the day. I'm fairly sure I saw a guy steal a chair out of a back exit (guess where the CCTV is held?).
Bring on the weekend.
Update:
Walking into work this morning was one of the scariest moments of my adult life.
Exchanged pleasantries with reception, and casually asked if the Internet was working yet. It was. Success.
Get into my office, our server is still down. Boss is in a foul mood. Guess he just found out the extent of the bill.
Call in a network engineer. Router is fried. He tinkers for an hour or two and we're live. They had guys in overnight fixing everything, at my company's expense.
They blamed it on a power surge from faulty equipment.
People are still pissed at me but all in all I got away Scott free.
I shall chalk that up as a win.
3tan: I think the 12 different offices IT departments are to blame here. I don't think that a non-IT person should have been allowed in that area. Also you were following orders... not really your fault.
Johnnyrango: Usually have to have a badge to get to data center/Server rooms
thepizzaelemental: Sure, if you're in a legit data center. If you're in an office building that leases to multiple companies all you have to do is get a maintenance guy to unlock the door for you, and he's not doing any background checks or looking for badges.
insanitynot: I don't work at a legit data center. We have one data center room... then a bunch of offices, labs, some other shit, from a bunch of different companies. If you're in a halfway decent building then your data center will be on camera with security to respond 24/7, or your office manager will be smart and set aside a room to be your office's own data center.
If that isn't your situation, then you're just in a shithole or have poor office management. I don't exactly work in a state of the art facility... but of my last three job locations, all of them either had cameras with motion alarms on the datacenter and security that responded, or we had our own locked room set aside for servers within our office.
Letting people into areas they don't have access to results in getting fired also, even if you're a cleaner, especially if you're a cleaner... they're not exactly hard to replace.
Michealmas: That's the thing, as far as has had been explained to me. That was 'our' server room, I didn't realise it was a shared room.
ssjkriccolo: Businesses do this all the time and it pisses me off as an IT admin. I'm contracted to businesses that have issues that turn out to be because they decided to share space and hard ware to save their bottom line. People jacking into a Lan and asking what is this weird dns server showing up? Well apparently that's another company's domain controller... Yeesh... Keeps me employed.
| 7 | 13.142857 | |
1401391564 | 1401395302 | t3_26t7xj | t5_2to41 | 123 | [deleted]: TIFU a bird flew into by dick while i was showering and i broke my arm
I just found out about this subreddit so my fuck up was 2 months ago and excuse me for my bad english. Im trying to make this short.
So i came out of the sauna (i live in Finland) and because the room was so hot i decided to open the window and go to the shower. Now the window is right infront of the shower and as im washing my hair a bird flew in and it hit me straight onto my manly parts, so i sacked on the bird and slipped and fell down. I fell right onto my right arm and it overbend. So i go to the ER and it was swollen as hell so we take the x-rays (it was obvious that it was broken but they needed to know how badly), the doctor takes a look of the xrays and says i have to go to a surgery because a bone has been ripped off. Had 2 nails in my bone for a month topped off with a cast. After the month the nails were just pulled out of my arm (the nails were in my arm and came out like about a centimeter). I can prove this because i still have the nails,x-rays and an badass scar on my arm. If anybody wants pics i can provide them tomorrow because its nighttime.
EDIT: pics in comments
Captain__Caveman: Arm before surgery http://m.imgur.com/d200PuR
X-ray http://m.imgur.com/xfaBNnI
Nails just taken out couldnt find them at home http://m.imgur.com/Ngx8NJW
Scar today http://m.imgur.com/z9tEG5q
moochie94: I pictured your injury as being much more bloody, but at least you are ok.
Captain__Caveman: Nope not a single drop of blood luckily :)
moochie94: I actually have a similar story to this, and I ended up having to leave college because of what happened, maybe I will make a TIFU later about it.
| 5 | 24.6 | |
1401393445 | 1401397861 | t3_26tb4p | t5_2to41 | 25 | purple_wolverine: TIFU by dropping a knife on my foot
I was cooking dinner on my perpetually messy counter in my very tiny kitchen in my very tiny apartment. Unfortunately, I'm a messy-ass bitch and my sink was full of dishes. So in my genius, I decided to leave the largest knife I owned on the counter. Within minutes I knocked that thing off the counter by accident and the blade landed directly on my foot. Sliced open the space between my big toe and second toe. Kitchen looks like a crime scene. At urgent care now waiting to see if I need stitches. TIFU painfully.
edit: I needed stitches but it didn't end up being too bad. Only like 4. Pics: of [kitchen floor] (http://i.imgur.com/0zFl43I.jpg) and [foot](http://i.imgur.com/TyUECMl.jpg)
Promotheos: Um, I'm truly sorry but a story like this should logically be accompanied by a photo.
Zymaxid: Agreed. OP, please deliver.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1401393695 | 1401396438 | t3_26tbkw | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling wife that her parents behave like assholes.
Lost my cool after regular direct and indirect suggestions from in-laws and wife that I should invest in real estate since everyone else they know have invested.
UltraSpecial: This is the shortest TIFU i have ever seen. I too do not like it when people tell me I should do things just cause everyone else is doing it. I do however want to look into real estate.
monty845: The real-estate market is incredibly distorted by Government support. While its unlikely that will change, if it ever did, there would be a massive crash in the value of real estate. Don't believe anyone who tells you it can never go down again.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1401392977 | 1401453421 | t3_26tabp | t5_2to41 | 78 | iwantedthisusername: TIFU by trying to let an old lady take my spot in line. Suddenly blood everywhere.
Today I was at the grocery store. My girlfriend and I were just about to get into line when we saw an old lady with only a few things, so we decide to let her in. I turn maybe 30 degrees to start moving out of the way and next thing I know out of nowhere, I bump into an even older littler lady who was walking by behind me. She was probably in her 80's, and was wearing heels so even the slightest bump and she had lost her balance. Down she goes, face first and suddenly there's blood everywhere. Her lip is bleeding, her nose is bleeding, she might have broken a tooth, it's just a mess. The whole thing happened in just a few seconds, I barely had time to register anything. Luckily my GF is in training to be a nurse, and a few minutes later a ER surgeon who was also shopping showed up and she said that everything was fine and they just needed to stop the bleeding. We stayed around for a bit to make sure that everything was okay, and gave a statement, but eventually there was nothing to do since it was just a freak accident and we just paid for our groceries and left.
TLDR; Tried to let an old lady take my place in line, bump into older lady who falls and starts bleeding everywhere.
C_Hitchens_Ghost: >She was probably in her 80's, and was wearing heels
That's how you get broken teeth.
Athelric: She just wanted to feel young again. :(
YouGotAte: http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/236x/f9/af/7d/f9af7db211760de84cdf50313033f1db.jpg
| 4 | 19.5 | |
1401396196 | 1401398810 | t3_26tfxx | t5_2to41 | 10 | Comprehension_Failur: TIFU by slapping my balls pretty hard in the shower.
So, today I'm doing my normal routine. I lather up my beard and hair with some shampoo plus conditioning soap. Then I grab some acne facewash and get that on the rest of my face, not failing to keep a little in my palms so I can rub one out. Normally I rinse my face off before rubbing one out but sometimes I do it in the dark so I can focus on mental fantasies. So everything goes well and I finish giving myself a hand, so it's time to soap up everything else and rinse. Got that part completed. Now it's time to make sure I've rinsed off the soap from every crack and crevice. Everything seems good to go so I turn off the water. For some reason I decided to feel my chode to make sure everything's clear of soap. Low and behold, there's still some acne facewash on my chode. So what do I do? I turn on the water and cup one hand under the faucet so's to gather some water for the rinsing and I slap it on my nuts. Not once, but twice in pretty rapid succession. The first slap didn't result in instant pain, but pain was the result. The instant before the second slap makes contact, the pain sets from the first slap. Now this was pretty intense. I decided it would be best if I lay down in the tub before I slip and fall and hut myself more. I probably sat there for another five minutes while I gathered my thoughts and mentally chastised myself doing something so stupid. So, that's how my day started.
Poop_muffin: I'm confused.
Comprehension_Failur: And I'm bruised.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1401397169 | 1401458535 | t3_26tho0 | t5_2to41 | 283 | festess: TIFU by finding the cutest bird I've ever seen, and smearing its guts all over my conservatory
I was in my conservatory with my GF like an hour and a half ago, looking out into the garden when something mildly hilarious happened; a bird came swooping out of nowhere full speed and crashed right into the window. I had cleaned all the windows yesterday to a see through sheen. I chuckled at my avian friend's ineptitude, and I also metaphorically tipped my hat to him over the implied compliment of just how clean I had gotten my windows.
I assumed the bird just flew off after that. After about 5 minutes my GF had to go to the bathroom, and when she stood up she spotted that the bird was actually still there on the outside window ledge. I went outside to have a look. It was the cutest bird I've ever seen, it was a robin but a really plump round fuzzy one. I've only ever seen them at wintertime around here so I thought it must have been a special robin.
Anyway, it had obviously hit the window and fallen down onto this little metal ledge that is below the windows. It was still breathing and I could see its eyes were open but otherwise it was totally still...the poor thing must have broken its spine or something. I dunno, I'm no vet. It looked so sad, I could almost see it pleading for me to help him. I decided to put him out of his misery, but my GF is the squeamish kind so she begged me not to. She figured it was just concussed and would be fine in a few minutes. We went back inside for a bit, but after a further 5 minutes and another inspection it hadn't moved at all...I thought there's no way it was concussed for so long, it must have broken its neck. It was time to speed my fuzzy friend into the afterlife. I hate to see things suffer, after all...I couldn't bear the thought of it paralysed sitting there being nibbled at by the local cats.
I think I was also emboldened by my girl being there...I wanted to be a man and to take care of business. I pictured myself as Clint Eastwood giving the dying soldier a cigarette (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-A9iJKZlRE8). I strode outside with an air of grim, steely determination, my mind full of images of my cavemen ancestors who would club a mammoth to death without hesitation. My right hand found itself gripping a metal pole that used to be part of a swingball set and walked up to the paralysed bird. I raised my pole aloft, slow and steady like a fucking viking. Stanley and I made eye contact (my girlfriend named the bird in an effort to stop me), and I gave a slight nod, acknowledging that we were both just creatures on this crazy little rock called Earth, and that it was simply his time to go. I felt he understood.
I brought my pole crashing down onto Stanley's head.
This is where things go horribly wrong. Mid strike, I saw the bird hop up onto its feet lightning quick. HOLY SHIT...my GF was right, it was just concussed! All pretenses of being a Neanderthal faded, I let out the most unmanly squeal and the shock led to my grip weakening. The pole leapt from my hands, and the end of it smashed STRAIGHT through my window, and the shaft crushed Stanley's midsection. As the pole bounced off the sill, the end sort of flicked Stanley through the broken glass INTO my lovely white conservatory. I can only assume speeding through the broken glass ripped Stanley open because his guts were now spilling onto the floor.
My girlfriend screams. I scream. Stanley screams. I'm sure I could even hear the pole scream.
Stanley is now spasming round the conservatory like a pinball leaving an unholy amount of blood and viscera in his wake. I panicked, ignored the pole completely and just started trying to stamp on his head. Stamp stamp stamp. My girlfriend is crying. She sits down. Stanleys brains are all over my floor. I keep stamping. Girl keeps crying. Blood, tears, then silence. I collapse, exhausted into my girlfriends arms. The ordeal was over.
tl;dr tried putting a bird out of his misery, end up with PTSD
[deleted]: I guess you could say he was so cute it was to die for?
kvural: YEEEEAAAAHHHHH
[deleted]: OOOOKKAAAYYYY
MCPooge: WHAT?
| 5 | 56.6 | |
1401400778 | 1401410672 | t3_26tnwb | t5_2to41 | 160 | Bro_In_The_Dark: TIFU by uploading nudes of my ex to facebook
This happened a couple of minutes ago. I'm still shaking from the anxiety.
So I sat down at my laptop and felt like I needed a new profile picture on facebook. So I opened up the file browser and began to select a photo. In the mean time, I decided to boot up Halo Reach because who doesn't love a little halo. I came back after a game and looked at my laptop, and decided to click on a nude of an ex because I felt pretty lonely. I completely forgot I was uploading a picture to facebook, much less my profile picture. I deleted it but I hope no one saw. I'm scared shes going to fucking yell at me now. Thanks Obama
BearSmells: OP, I'm going to need those pictures so I can double check that they were indeed removed from Facebook.
Bro_In_The_Dark: for sciecne right
BearSmells: FOR ENGLAND!!!
Sir_Paul: no, for me
CurrentlyIncognito: FOR /u/Sir_Paul !!!
| 6 | 26.666667 | |
1401400160 | 1401402794 | t3_26tmto | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking X-lax and sleeping pills at the same time
I felt pretty constipated so I took some X-lax really late last night. But i didn't feel it working, and it was getting late so I figured I better get to sleep. So i pop my sleeping pill, and pass out. I woke up around 3am , and there was SHIT EVERYWHERE! shit on the bed, shit on the walls, shit on the door, shit on my slippers, shit on my TV, shit on my radio, shit on my XBox, shit on my PS4, shit on the clothes hanging in my closet, shit under my bed, shit in my shoebox of my new shoes, shit on my pet birds, shit on the ceiling fan, shit on my toothbrush, shit on my car parked outside, and even shit on the bathroom floor. There was shit pretty much everywhere EXCEPT in the toilet.
So i got up out of bed and went to the toilet, and as soon as i sat down, I fell asleep and fell down and hit my head on a pile of shit.
delphium226: No shit?
Username__Irrelevant: This is the shittiest shituation I can imagine, I shit you not.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1401403162 | 1401404515 | t3_26trpy | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by wearing a size smaller
That is from more than ten years ago but I thought I could share. So my friends and boyfriend decided to go to a fun park. As a young teenager I of course wanted to impress my boyfriend and look nice. I looked around in my wardrobe but everything seemed dull. Young me thought I could borrow a pair of pants from my mom and wear something new. Foolish!! Now you don't know me but my behind is like kim kardashians and my mom is just 5'1 a small and thin lady. I am much taller and curvier than her. So you can kind of imagine how clingy and tight her trousers were on me. I layed on bed and tried to pull the zip up, it didn't go up easily but I am stubborn as heck! I had to wear it. Fast forward to meeting my friends and having fun, we decide to play car racing. We seemed to be having fun when one of my friends bumped me on the rear with his car and I sort of pulled myself foward , maybe too much. And then I heard it. That sssskkkkkriiiik noise. I knew that was not right but as I looked on my pants everything seemed normal. But it wasn't!! I get up and I touch my bum only to feel a large hole!! Shit! I try to cover myself but because it was summer I could only use my hand. I try to sidewalk backwards and then my friends notice. Immediately everyone starts laughing and I feel like I wanna die. I am red as a tomato and try to lean back on a wall. I stay there and don't move at all. Then my boyfriend comes and says "too bad it wasn't a string" I just died from embarrassement.
shadowlurker_j: I'm curious as to your mother's reaction.
funkytroll: She was a bit mad at first but then she laughed a bit and kind of encouraged me not to do it again. I was quite paranoid after that and was wearing gym clothes for a few days but I learnt my lesson
| 3 | 3 | |
1401406406 | 1401453318 | t3_26twt0 | t5_2to41 | 30 | [deleted]: TIFU - Home alone, prepared awesome slow cooker meal, then decided to fap, forgetting that I just cut up a jalapeno. Lit whole entire package on fire.
I realized it once I was going at it pretty intensely. Kept going. Finished.
Note to self: don't ever do that again.
smarty1017: Yep....been there....not fun....just dipped it in milk....LOL!!!
YouGotAte: Yeah but first he had to *make* the milk
| 3 | 10 | |
1401406851 | 1401436751 | t3_26txh9 | t5_2to41 | 26 | TheNorwegianViking: TIFU by saying something rape-ish out of context in front of my principal.
Not using a throwaway because this isn't *that* big of a fuck-up.
But anyways, I'm 16 years old, and I live in Norway. This fuck-up happened during an average day at school.
We just had Norwegian class, where we read about a guy with some issues who followed a girl around, broke into her house etc...
The text ended as a cliffhanger, with him walking up to knock on her door, which would be the first time they ever talked in person.
As one of the tasks, we were supposed to make an alternate ending. And since this were supposed to be read out aloud, we kept it clean, but our group had some thoughts about what might could happen, considering the guy in the text was a creep.
So, the class is over, and we are on our way out to recess, where we can finally talk about stuff not intended to be heard by our teacher. On the way out, we talked about different endings, and we got into the subject of the creep sexually assaulting her.
While I was putting on my shoes, these exact words were coming out of my mouth: ''I wonder if she would fall uncouncious if he slapped her in the face with his dickhead.'' As I got close to the end of the sentence, I felt my friend elbow me in the back, and then wispered my name. I looked up, and guess who had walked trough the door?
**The principal**.
The look on her face made it look like I talked about how I loved Osama Bin Laden while worshipping a picture of his feet. That was her expression. I instantly looked right down at the floor, while blushing and trying to conceal my laughter.
This will probably be one of the most awkward moments of my entire life.
sRazors96: Jeg lurer på om hu ville ha mistet bevisstheten om jeg hadde slått hu på hode med kukhode?
TheNorwegianViking: Pretty close, more like this: " Æ lure på om ho hadde besvimt hvis han hadde daska ho i hodet med kukhodet."
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1401408537 | 1401409496 | t3_26tzx1 | t5_2to41 | 7 | Ericthecountryboy: TIFU by using a razor knife and not looking at what I was doing.
I work as a carpenter for a Cabinet company right? We don't use any safety equipment... we're to redneck for that. my hands are pretty thick, so I don't really get cut to often... but today I was using my razor knife to cut some shitty caulk job off before I fixed it and bam! cut right through the caulk and lost about an inch of skin from my middle pinky knuckle to the tip of my nail. A big ol chunk. my solution to this? I just caulked the chunk back in place. You know it kind of worked actually. My pops told me I achieved a new level of redneck today. It's sticking in place just fine. I think it'll work out in the long run.
Username__Irrelevant: I knew a glazer who used silicone when he cut himself, probably not the best idea but he didn't die so should be fine, superglue would work best though; was originally used for gluing flesh.
Ericthecountryboy: That's what I've heard about super glue. I'll use that when it's available... All I had on hand was my caulk gun and I didn't feel like climbing down my ladder. It's America, I can be that lazy. Haha.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1401410528 | 1401416156 | t3_26u2w5 | t5_2to41 | 6 | SecuriNuts: TIFU By having my old employer find pictures of my testicles on my old company cellphone
I used to be a night security guard for a sketchy firm in BC, Canada. I was told id be working daytime time shifts and then was switched back to graveyards last minute. I found a new job at a wal-mart gave my 2 weeks notice and at the last shift took a picture of my testies hoping the company wouldnt find 'em for a while.
They found out about them before my last shift.
Fortunately I have a new job but I blew a reference from an employer I've been with for a year and a half.
Oh well. On the bright side all they lying assholes that were in management got a glorious view of my more pendulous aspect of manhood.
Teotwawki69: >I blew a reference from an employer
This is never a good idea. On the other hand, they can't tell prospective employers, "Yeah, we found a picture of his fun bag on a company phone." All they can do is confirm when you worked there, your final salary, and whether you left voluntarily, which you did.
Seddeg604: He should just make sure not to sign anything in regards to the incident, as long as he does not formally aknowledge the incident with a signature he should be ok.
Hold down your new job for at least a year. People wont call up a security job, its a way of making ends meet not a career path.
| 3 | 2 | |
1401411289 | 1401415640 | t3_26u42b | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by jerking it in the shower. [Disgusting?] NSFW
I should start off by saying that I NEVER fap in the shower.
Earlier this morning I was taking my normal shower, but got extremely horny for some reason. So I finish right into the drain and continue with my routine. I noticed after washing my hair that the water wasn't going down the drain. Little did I know that my sister had showered earlier and had clogged the drain with her hair. My cum covered the hair and created a seal, preventing the water from draining. I figured I had two options, pull the cumhair out of the drain, or just leave it... Now, I'm an extremely squeamish person, but I couldn't just leave it there. So I did the most disgusting thing I have ever done in my life and removed the cumhair, while practically vomiting.
TL;DR: Masturbate in shower, get cum in sisters hair, clog drain, remove haircum.
TomblyJombly: All I heard was that you got cum in your sister's hair you pervert. You should be ashamed of yourself. I think this is a metaphor about your unresolved incestual feelings for your sister.... or at least her luscious locks.
[deleted]: It was probably 30% dog hair too.
TomblyJombly: Or his sister is 30% dog.
Kill_All_Trolls: Or the dog is 70% sister.
godsprofit: op is a canine.
Kill_All_Trolls: Sweet mother of God... Humanine.
| 7 | 3.428571 | |
1401413557 | 1401662635 | t3_26u79z | t5_2to41 | 19 | McsMel: TIFU by liking a guy I met on tinder.
So I started talking to this guy like a month ago, we talked like, ALL THE TIME.He was awesome and super funny. He was always a gentleman, super sweet and respectful. Him being 8 years older than me (I’m 24) I was actually surprised.
We made out, on our second date we got to second base. Always being super respectful, asking for permission and not wanting to rush things.
While making out I lost my earing in his car, he found it and told me he wanted something in exchange. I asked what, he told me he wanted a picture of me in my bra. I thought he was kidding, I told him no.
HE then got offended and HE stopped talking to me.
I thought he might be toying with me, acting like he was offended.
I told him not to be an asshole and asked if he was being honest. I never got a reply.
After a few hours, I sent one last message, saying that I don’t like being manipulated. That I really liked him, and I couldn’t believe what he was doing. I told him that my body was mine to share and he had no right to be offended.
Message seen not replied.
So, really, why, WHY on earth do I feel bad about this? Why do I keep crying if he was the asshole? Why?
stadiuschampious: Can I just buy you some new earnings and everything will be okay?
McsMel: Welp, it's not just about the earrings, but you sure can buy me some new ones. =P
stadiuschampious: Haha I know! But I figured if I did that for you, it might be a little better =)
McsMel: Hahahaha you're adorable <3
stadiuschampious: But seriously, I'll go to the grocery store and use the 25cent machine and get you some new earrings and send via mail? lol jk
McsMel: Hahahahahaha I'm pretty sure the delivery will be waaaay more expensive than the earrings.
stadiuschampious: Hey hey... that's okay. Totally worth
McsMel: <3 ! *smooch*
stadiuschampious: So where am I sending these super precious earnings to?
McsMel: Argentina. Pretty close to Narnia.
stadiuschampious: Ah Ill just send it to Narnia
McsMel: I'm going to California in a week or so, so you might as well wait up. (?)
stadiuschampious: Okay okay, I guess I'll have to wait huh
| 14 | 1.357143 | |
1401413799 | 1401419715 | t3_26u7n0 | t5_2to41 | 24 | Chambadon: TIFU by opening a bag with a lighter
I work in a meat department at a locally-owned grocer.
Today, I forgot to bring my box cutter to work with me. Not a big deal, I spent the day tearing boxes open instead. Didn't become a hassle at all until I was in the meat cooler by myself after the day crew had left. I was stacking ground beef packages, which come in bags, on a cart. These bags come partially inflated and do not stack easily, so on a typical day I slice them open a bit on one corner to make them stackable.
The bags that ground beef packages are shipped in are suffused with carbon dioxide to prolong the redness of the meat.
Somehow, I completely forgot about that for just long enough to make one of the worst choices in my life.
Irritated that I had to wait until out of the cooler to use a knife to open these bags, possessed by impatience and stupidity, I pulled my lighter out and lit the bottom of a bag briefly with the intent of tearing the weakened plastic apart.
PHOOOOOM! The bag ignites inward, bright light bathes the cooler.
*Holy shit, I might lose my job*
The outside of the bag ignites, the corners all sputter flaming liquid plastic near other bags of meat.
*Holy shit, I might fucking die*
I grabbed the bag with my bare hands and threw it from the cart, the air-time alone putting out most of the fire. I didn't feel it at all when it happened, but my fingers were burnt pretty badly at that moment. I stomped the smoldering beef bags til it was totally extinguished, then looked about in a panic.
Bits of meat were scattered across the floor, burnt packaging strewn about... I had forty minutes before the fellow who comes and cleans everything at night would arrive. I scraped up all the meat, gathered all the debris, put it in a trash bag. Covered the meat with paper, triple bagged the trash bag, clandestinely disposed of it in the dumpster behind the store. I couldn't really do anything about the smell or missing inventory (obviously), but I did my very best to ensure that there was no mess.
I should mention that while cleaning, I had to keep running back and forth to service customers who were buying steaks and fish. I hid my hands in several layers of latex gloves, as my hands were blackened and had burnt plastic embedded in them.
I've cleaned my hands really well, took some time with a spray nozzle though. They were in excruciating pain earlier but feel much better now. There is some pretty brutal blistering, almost certainly second degree burns, but I think it'll be fine. I'm going to keep an eye out for infection and cross my fingers that I don't get found out for what I did and fired.
Edit: [Here](http://imgur.com/XYD5LUn) are [some](http://imgur.com/wmRivyW) [pics](http://imgur.com/Ctu1ZmF)
Silvermane2: "suffused with carbon dioxide"
You know CO2 puts out fires right?
It very much is non flammable
Thats right, I'm calling you out on your bullshit,
Not_Really_Sane: The gas is actually carbon monoxide... which is very flammable. No bullshit found. http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/MONEY/INDUSTRIES/FOOD/2007-10-30-KALSEC-MEAT-CARBON-MONOXIDE_N.HTM
Silvermane2: Yeah. That still sounds wrong. If its so dangerous, why is the CO that comes out of a car not dangerously flammable ~shrugs~
Silvermane2: More information. Its flash point is at -191c from concentrations of 12.5–74.2%.
The fuck were you doing opening meat with a lighter...
Silvermane2: Still saying you are full of shit because they would never ship something like meat with an explosive concentration of gas in it. Not without warning people that you were handling something dangerous.
Unless you aren't in the US
WWLadyDeadpool: I took the OSHA class to work in a grocery store. You get so overloaded with warnings you ignore them.
Edit: 18 year old kids use dangerous pressurized gas to fill balloons, those balloons are not dangerous.
Silvermane2: I never ignore warnings. They are there for my safety and I know that.
Osha ftw <3
EDIT: Got downvoted for being a safe worker. wow.
Silvermane2: ALSO HELIUM IS NOT EXPLOSIVE AT ALL AND NOBODY FILLS BALLOONS WITH HYDROGEN ANYMORE
| 9 | 2.666667 | |
1401417072 | 1401674770 | t3_26ucg7 | t5_2to41 | 11 | karmacraze: TIFU by adding vanilla almond milk to my mac and cheese
So I was making a box of mac and cheese and just grabbed the first milk carton in the fridge, didn't realize until after I had added it that it was the carton of vanilla almond milk (at least it was unsweetened). My mac and cheese now has a slightly odd after taste, but adding a bit more cheese to it helped drastically.
[deleted]: I've heard this is actually a great alternative way to prepare it. Also, not really a fuck-up, or even moderately interesting.
karmacraze: who would suggest using vanilla flavored milk for mac and cheese?
[deleted]: People who are lactose intolerant.
[deleted]: You rang?
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1401409282 | 1401418315 | t3_26u10y | t5_2to41 | 14 | Mikulicious: TIFU by sneezing on a random stranger's face..
Today I fucked up by sneezing into another person's face...
I was sitting on a bench, my brother, me and a random stranger.
Me sitting at an angle talking to my brother when all the sudden a sneeze comes on fast as fuck with no time to react.. I try to cover my mouth like a good person.. And *sneeze* I somehow totally miss my brother and sneeze right on this guy's face... I covered my mouth and blush in embarrassment... He whipes his mouth.. Looks at me says nothing... And just stays there... Doesn't go anywhere.. Just continues minding his own business like a boss... I'm so embarrassed I had to write this.. :(
iamthelion86: Don't worry I sneezed right in a little girls face as she was walking through my turnstile at Magic Kingdom. "Welcome to Disney kid, most magical mother fucking place on earth"
It was her fault honestly. I turned one way to sneeze away from her but she decided last second to go the way my sneeze was directed.
I still laugh at the look on her face though
Mikulicious: Lmfao awwh man that's way worse! xD
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1401417569 | 1401461845 | t3_26ud6n | t5_2to41 | 12 | PawnAddiction: TIFU by drunkenly snorting Xanax in a bar.
Well very early this morning (basically last night because that is when I started the drinking) I had gotten very drunk at a bar, showing this one dude a good time because he had had a very dull vacation. For some more context, the bar is owned by a friend's father. Anyways, after I was very drunk, the guy that had come with me asked if I wanted some xanax. I was very hesitant, as I had never done any sort of drug other than weed. Eventually he convinced me to not only take it, but to snort it. So we crushed it up and both did a line. Stupid me should have known that there were cameras pointing at us. Word got around in a matter of hours that we were snorting something at the bar.
After this, I get texts from two very close friends saying that they can't hang out with me any longer and that I have a problem. One of the friends is even an ex that I was fixing "things" with.
Not only did I fuck up these two relationships, but now word is going around town that I'm now a coke head and a drunk. Now I have to worry that word will get around to my extremely conservative Christian family, and I'll be casted out...
TL;DR: Snorted Xanax, ruined reputation, several friendships, and possibly made my family hate me.
Gentlescholar_AMA: Time will heal that. Just go about your business as a respectable person and you'll be okay.
PawnAddiction: I'm hoping so... I should probably take it easy on the drinking and what not.
| 3 | 4 | |
1401418366 | 1401464690 | t3_26uedi | t5_2to41 | 3,520 | [deleted]: TIFU by not having a towel on after my shower. [Mildly NSFW]
So today I took a shower in the morning. Pretty standard really.
I was home alone for just a bit, everyone had *just* left too, and I had already completed the '2 minute cautionary period' before flamboyantly taking off my pants and loudly singing 'Dark Horse'.
So I decide to take a quick shower before my celebratory home-alone fap. I jump in, everything's normal. I take my phone in the bathroom with me to listen to music, and when I was clean there was a really good song on, so I just got out without a towel and stood there combing my hair. By the time the song was over, I was kinda dry. There were no clean towels left, I always forget, and I was too lazy to go get one. I was going to get naked anyway. So, I just walked out slightly damp.
FUCK UP.
Now my phone is a Samsung Galaxy S5 and it so happens that my older brother has the exact same phone, case, color, even stylus accessory. It is also important to know that I have a nice TV, so my entire family always sneaks into my room and watches Netflix or play games. My older brother is particularly guilty of this. Turns out he left his own phone on my bed, which he lays down on while watching Netflix. However, I didn't realize that it wasn't actually mine and that I had left my phone in the bathroom.
I sat my naked ass on my bed and turned on my TV. I hit the power button on my phone and absentmindedly dialed in my pin, not looking at my phone as I've dialed it in thousands of time to unlock it. It doesn't work. I carefully put it in and it tells me to wait five minutes before I can try again. So I put it aside and go back to the bathroom. I find my phone there, and I realize I was trying to use my brother's phone. Oh well, no harm done. I got his phone and put it in his room.
Four hours later, my older brother stops me in the hallway. He's fucking pissed. He asks me, "What the fuck were you doing on my phone, and what the fuck are these?!"
Turns out he has one of those security apps that take your picture if you put your passcode in wrong, to deter thieves. It emails the photo to an email address you put in so you can maybe see who has it. It makes no sounds, and it doesn't notify you at all. Only I wasn't a thief, I was an idiot. Because I wasn't looking at it, the front camera was pointed at my fap-anticipating penis. And I tried a ton of times. His email inbox was cluttered with my dick.
If I had taken the fifteen seconds to get a clean towel, my brother wouldn't have gotten unintentional dick pics.
~~**TL:DR- I'm forgetful, lazy, and really dumb.**~~
**EDIT:** Okay, here's better TL;DR for you people who'd rather bitch then read it:
Mixed up brother's phone for my own, tried to put in PIN. I was naked. Brother has an app that takes a picture if the PIN is entered incorrectly, and sends it to your e-mail. Wasn't paying attention, tried a bunch of times and it was angled at my crotch. His email was filled with crotch shots.
F_J_Underwood: But first.....lemme take a #fappy
[deleted]: Who faps on Mondays
WhatsUpDucky: Who showers *before*?
Nahmsain: Exactly.. clean out the pipes while getting clean, nahm'sayin?
SmellsWeirdRightNow: I like to do it before I take a shower, then pee in the shower to "clean the pipes"
That_Deaf_Guy: Relevant username?
Username__Irrelevant: #
That_Deaf_Guy: If you put a hashtag, it comes up blank. Better than a full stop.
Username__Irrelevant: Just made yours and my own reply irrelevant now.
That_Deaf_Guy: Damn it. Clevergirl.jpg
UC18: #
| 12 | 293.333333 | |
1401420696 | 1401446773 | t3_26uhkz | t5_2to41 | 76 | Horrific_brian: TIFU by texting my girlfriend "I love you *exgirlfriends name*
I was texting my girlfriend and she seemed sad,so she told me she loved me. I then replied, I love you with my exgirlfriends name, which she despises. She hasn't tested me back and I'm afraid to see her tomorrow,what do I do?
Update: we kind of made up,I'm really working,any help with generic presents or dates?
Horrific_brian: I've tried everything and she hasn't replied,she's insecure and I set off a landmine
[deleted]: I've done this but in person which I almost think is worse. Prepare to do some major ass kissing for the next month or two.
Sugusino: Try that during sex.
I'm not a smart man.
Py__: Happened to me also... Twice....
Sugusino: My most sincere condolences.
| 6 | 12.666667 | |
1401420333 | 1401461879 | t3_26uh1g | t5_2to41 | 38 | mad_catmk2: TIFU 20 years ago by pooping myself at the Eiffel Tower
Posting from mobile so hope this works well!
Twenty years ago (when I was 5), I was on a lovely vacation tour with my family in France. I probably ate something that didn't agree with me, and my bowels really decided to go nuts on me at the best time.
On that blazing summer day, we were queuing up for the elevator. I remember taking the upper level of it as we had to climb stairs to get on. Only then did my naive self realize the gravity of my shituation and decided I really gotta drop the deuce. Seeing how ridiculous the lines were my parents refused to have me to until we arrived at the upper level.
The stairs didn't help since each step I took made things worse. So just as we made it onto the platform...my lower body just went "fuck it" and released the impending doom. Of course, I told my parents and they were mortified, but we were ushered into the elevator already and had no where to run.
Speaking of run, the other elevator occupants probably wanted to run. With my hot summer brew festering in my undies, the ride up was miserable. I felt like shit and others probably smelled shit.
Though at the end, I was lucky my turdlets were easily cleaned up (thanks dad) and I had to go commando for the rest of the day.
TL;DR: 5 year old me shat myself and shared the wealth in the Eiffel Tower elevator
Shout out to /u/shinydragonite for pointing me to this sub
WittiestScreenName: You should make it a goal to shit your pants on every major world landmark.
mad_catmk2: Gotta shit them all
WittiestScreenName: Goals, man.
| 4 | 9.5 | |
1401588287 | 1401748400 | t3_26u87m | t5_2to41 | 5 | MGUPPY: my covesrtions might ne off it was a 5,000lbs jeep grand cherokee diesel
mlc885: Short ton, Long ton, and Tonne (metric ton) are actually really confusing, which is why people avoid using them.
1 tonne = 1000 kg = ~2200 lbs
So it would be 5 metric tons if it was 5000 kg, but it's actually only a ~2 tonne jeep.
MGUPPY: yeah I don't know my coversions well thanks for fixing it for me
mlc885: Oh, yeah, I wasn't trying to be pedantic, haha. It really is overly confusing, especially when there are multiple units with the same name. I was just explaining why the original poster questioned your usage of "5 ton."
Also, I looked up some vehicle weights, and it looks like no regular car or truck would weigh that much. The only ones that get close seem to be ridiculous things like armored limited edition Mercedes, or some pick up truck that looks more like a long haul truck.
Also apparently the UK banned the retail usage of the various tons during metrication, probably because it's an easy way to not know how much you're actually agreeing to buy. (i.e. you get 1/11th less if they mean short ton and you thought it was in metric tons)
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1401412099 | 1401455796 | t3_26u588 | t5_2to41 | 12 | Samjez: TIFU by cracking my laptop screen.
I was told to be careful with my stuff, and apparently my ears are full of crap that hinder my listening abilities. I have a tendency to throw around my things, and today I threw my backpack onto the ground before realizing my mistake. When I look at the damage, I think to myself "Oh, it's just the corner of the screen. No big deal." And then I press my thumb to the screen to inspect the damage, and the crack makes/breaks it's way across the screen, to make sure that I know that I fucked up.
sherestoredmyfaith: Its real easy to replace a screen on a laptop, just buy the part on ebay and install it yourself.
Saeberthatch: Can confirm. Destroyed my laptop by dropping it from me standing height. New screen was <$100 and arrived in 2 days. Found a vid of someone replacing exact same model. Have never opened a laptop up before and did it in a lunchtime.
Samjez: Thanks! I'll be sure to look into this. Do you know if it would be any harder to replace a touchscreen monitor?
Saeberthatch: The touchscreen panel is actually in front, with the display behind.
Gently (and carefully) run your finger over the screen, if you can't feel any cracks then the touch screen should be intact and the more fragile monitor behind is broken.
The only tip i'd give is to be gentle when removing the front panel, too much pressure and you could crack the touch screen yourself.
If you post your laptop model number might be able to find more relevant info online?
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1401415998 | 1401519563 | t3_26uatp | t5_2to41 | 25 | WpgDentite: TIFU by mixing up an acquaintance's baby mommas.
This F up happened 2 summers ago.
Here's the background: I have a childhood friend "Ron," and I've gotten to know a few of his friends fairly well, and I have his good friend "Steve" on Facebook. Steve was dating "Kelly" when he found out that he was a father of a brand new baby boy from a one night stand he had.
Steve then broke up with Kelly and started dating his baby's mother, because stay together for the kids, and I always saw pictures of this super cute baby on Facebook.
Eventually things didn't work out between Steve and his baby's mother, but he was always there to raise his new son and he is so adorable! He then got back together with Kelly and ended up getting her pregnant. Most of this info I got 2nd hand from Facebook or from Ron, and over time I suppose it all got muddled in my mind.
Here's my F up: At my good friend Ron's wedding, which I attended with my wife, we were sat at a table with Kelly (Because Steve was in the wedding party) and some others.
Wedding tables are always a little awkward, so here I go trying to make some small talk.
Me: "Kelly, I always see those pictures of your son on Facebook! He's so cute!"
My Wife's Face: A "WTF ARE YOU SAYING" look.
I see it, still clueless.
Kelly: "Pardon?" Because she didn't hear me.
Me: "Oh, your son is just so cute!"
My Wife: One hand covering her face shaking her head.
Kelly: "Oh...You mean [Child's name]... Yeah he's cute. But that was just a one time thing. He made a big mistake."
Aaannddd ensuing silence for the rest of dinner. Which is always long because its a wedding, but even longer when nobody talks.
That's why I don't make small talk anymore.
EDIT: Format
manapan: Steve is the one who fucked up, by choosing to stay with that cuntsicle. Thinking of your SO's kid as "a big mistake" is just goddamn heartless.
DeviledAdvocat: I kind of got the impression that he cheated on Kelly to make this baby, so maybe the mistake she was referring to was the cheating, not the kid. After all, she did call him cute!
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1401423640 | 1401424559 | t3_26uld7 | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing my job, and a good income.
This won't get anywhere. But that's fine.
I'm an 18 year old, living by myself. I go to school which thankfully scholarships and financial aid pay for.
I had a good job as a salesman. I made enough not to take out loans.
Today, I was given notice that I probably will be terminated.
The reasons are mistakes that did not cost money or anything else, and just were not following policy. Mistakes like forgetting to get the demo plates.
I feel like if a company wants to fire me over this petty reasons, it's for the best.
But this job gave me confidence to be happy after several months of depression and not worry about 7.75$ an hour.
it's not a 100% thing yet, but I can feel it.
It's been 4 months that I've worked here. Is that a bad mark on a resume? A red flag for future employment?
Should I quit before they fire me? Is that any better?
This is gonna get burried.
Im_a_man_in_uniform: Dude, you're only 18. I'm 25. I've been let go for several reasons. One for breaking a policy during my probationary period, that would have otherwise been overlooked had I been out of probation and another for interviewing for a better job (my boss somehow found out and fired me for the next day, using a bullshit excuse of, "I can't work with someone I can't trust")
But you're only 18, I'd say keep it on your Resume. If you truly believe you'll be let go and you're not hurting for money, then quit and just tell a future employer you wanted to concentrate on schooling. If you're not 100% sure then just ride it out, collect your money until you can and if you get fired, then just tell a future employer that "I did (whatever you were let go for, as long as it isn't anything extremely serious) but I have learned from it and matured, etc etc."
That's what I would do. But after I was let go, I was unemployed and still technically unemployed, jobs are hard to get, at least the ones that are worth it, but finally today, after three and a half months I was offered a job that will pay 17,000 more a year. So I guess it all works out in the end. Just work hard. Good luck, you'll be fine.
notanillermenati: Thanks for the great advice :) and Congrats on the new job !
Im_a_man_in_uniform: no problem!
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1401424792 | 1401806060 | t3_26umqk | t5_2to41 | 29 | bmanny: TIFU escaping a one night stand.
I'll keep this short.
About 2 years ago. I woke up next to a good body with a nope face. Her dorm was identical to my dorm setup, so I thought I was prepared to make a stealthy escape. After about 5 minutes of painstakingly removing her arms from around my body without waking her up, I lay as quiet as I could for another 60 seconds waiting for any movement or noise. None. I thought I was safe. All I had to do was roll off the bed to avoid making creaking, gather my clothes(wherever they were) and head to the door.
The moment finally came. I made my final move and rolled from the bed. I should take this moment to say that my bed is maybe 1 1/2 feet from the floor. I was NOT expecting a 6 foot drunken drop. BAM! If it wasn't for my fear of waking this girl up I would have screamed in pain. I laid perfectly still, hoping beyond hope she would still be asleep after base jumping from her bed without a parachute. I gave it a good few minutes, and my luck seemed to take a turn for the better. I stood up. Keys. Wallet. Clothes. Empty Condom Wrapper. Success. Everything you hope to find when you awake from a night you don't remember.
I put all my clothes on. I'm feeling confident now. I'm a mere moments from walking away unscathed and never to be seen from again. I zip up my pants, and I shit you not, THAT is the thing that wakes her up. She popped her head up, we made eye contact, and we had that moment of awkwardness before she asked me, "Want to get breakfast?" Longer story short, she bought me food in exchange for morning sex. I want to be ashamed, but food is food when you're in college.
TLDR: Woke up next to girl 2/10 face & 7/10 body, fell 6 feet from a lofted bed. Woke her up zipping up pants, she bought me breakfast for morning sex. It was good(the food).
musicraze: not 100% relevant but also not 100% tangent
*what are you supposed to say the morning after?*
Cazelli89: "You're better than my mother" (IF you don't want to see her face ever again)
musicraze: I'm a chick, that would be confusing and hilarious. You get an upvote
Edit: I just remembered why this was familiar lolz
Cazelli89: Hahaha, incest alwas manages to make any conversation hilariously awkward
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1401425267 | 1401427643 | t3_26un98 | t5_2to41 | 13 | Chief_BOOMSHAKALAKA: TIFU by shitting myself.
So as the title says, I went ahead and shit myself today for the first time ever in my life that I can remember. Nothing too traumatic or deep but I wanted to tell someone and I figured reddit might have a small place for my story.
Anyway, so I wake up around 7:45 and it's a nice day today so I decided that the first thing I'd do is water the plants before exercising (normally it's the other way around). Now when I finished I decided to have an extra protein bar before working out instead of just making my protein shake and exercising. So after I ate the bar I waited about 15-20 minutes then hopped back into my normal routine of exercising, cleaning, feeding the animals, and laundry. Now laundry is normally only done around once every week and half or so and not until the evening, but today my gf started the laundry before heading to work leaving me with just loading the dryer then folding the clothes after they're done, no biggie. I dried the clothes while I took a shower and got dressed. When I heard the dryer I immediately took the clothes out in one big pile, took them to the room, and placed them on the bed for folding. I folded a towel, my lady's pants, her tank top, then it happened... I felt an urge that I've felt before. A slight irritation in the bowels that felt like a solid flatulent gust of air was going to irrupt any second, but that's nothing new so I thought nothing of it any reached out for another piece of clothing until I felt it... the warm mush of hot ass juice against my buttcheeks and all I could mutter was "Did that seriously just happen?" As I waddled to the toilet, where upon inspection of my underwear as I sit on the throne, yes that did just happen. I shit myself. I felt shame, anger, sadness all in one second as I released the rest of my bowels where they belonged. I wiped about 10 times before I cleared myself ready for another quick shower to wash away the shame... I will be telling this to my gf later tonight when she gets home. I can't wait to hear her reaction... fucking protein bar.
TL;DR - I POOPED MY PANTS WHILE FOLDING CLOTHES BECAUSE I ATE A PROTEIN BAR.
sors_salutis: You learn pretty quick on this subreddit to never trust a fart.
LasigArpanet: It's always a gamble.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1401425372 | 1401700965 | t3_26undv | t5_2to41 | 114 | deluxejuice: TIFU by showing my dad Reddit
So here's how it went(Ill attempt to use green text to keep it easy):
- Hungry
- Walk downstairs to get a snack before bed
- Sees dad on iPad and figured i'd show him reddit to give him something to do! (Because I'm a nice guy)
- "Hey dad have you ever looked at Reddit? It's awesome you would love /r/askscience or /r/radiology!" (Because he's a radiologist maybe he would like that shit)
- Gets on /r/Radiology
- Clicks on a random link
- Album of x-rays of dildos and the weird weirdest objects put in peoples asses
- Gives me a weird look
- I say something about how Reddit is awesome as I'm walking away
- Grab my snack and head back to my room feeling like an idiot
TL;DR: Showed my dad Reddit and ended up showing him x-rays of stuff shoved up peoples asses.
I'm not good with this green text stuff but its nice.
MonkeyTails33: i used to show people reddit but nobody seemed to care
furutsu: Man be greateful the masses don't care to discover reddit.
Every day the front page would be lady gaga and niki minas videos and celeb gossip. And r/pics would be people showing fans of money gym progress
Voyager5555: Yes, god forbid the "masses" find one of the most popular sites on the internet.
furutsu: I knew some idiot would misundertand what I said. It's a popular and famous site, obviously I know that it's not some hidden gem but reddit doesn't appeal to everyone and isn't exactly a pop culture site with content that is mainly superficial.
Voyager5555: Well I kind of thought that was the appeal of Reddit being the "Front page" of the internet, there's plenty of stuff for everyone, not some niche site that only caters to a select group.
furutsu: Ok I'm wrong, reddit is like just like every other site. I see my points are not likely to be acknoledged.
JBMPB: i kno dude right? i couldnt figure out why my karma shot down so fast n was cuz of these lighthearted jokes on this thread. thats so weird lol i figured ppl would laughalong with us. i still think your right! if everybody used reddit it would become full of miley cyrus and kim kardashian crap like yahoo and msn. mostly it was justa lighthearted joke tho these ppl need to lighten up
furutsu: Reddit is a great place but it's full of ignorant people that will down vote you to hell
for not seeing things exactly like they do, without even trying to understand your way of thinking.
It's all fun and games though.
| 9 | 12.666667 | |
1401424763 | 1401450984 | t3_26umot | t5_2to41 | 37 | zehbruh: TIFU by chemically burning my hoohah
To begin with, my ladybits were sort of sore from some over enthusiastic lovemaking on my partners part, and some chafing occurred. The chafing turned into itching, and itching into slight burning a few days later and at that point I was almost positive it had become a yeast infection.
The itching itself was pretty uncomfortable, so I applied some aloe vera gel as I have a few times before. This time was different however; the immediate few seconds of relief were quickly followed by a burning sensation that was worse than what I'd had before. I quickly wiped it off but the pain didn't go away.
I'm starting to feel a little sorry for myself, and I notice my hair length down there is to the point where I'm ready for another shave. I thought maybe even if it didn't feel good, I'd feel a little better knowing it at least looked nice. So I go get my tube of Magic razor less shave cream, again as I have done before, because I figure I'll "shave" (sorry) a little time out of my shower later.
I apply it to only the mound and wait the seven minutes before washing it off. It looked pretty good! So good that I decided to do the rest. I'd heard stories of other ladies stuffing the inside with cotton balls or tp and safely applying it to the lips. So I got some tp and applied the cream again.
Here's where it goes bad. I started wiping it off with a wet rag when a little managed to get on the inside of one of the lips. The immediate intense burning sensation must have caused me not to act rationally. I figured I could pull out the tp and it would wipe off the cream on the way out. This was definitely not the case, and it made the situation much, much worse. I wiped off everywhere else and ran to the tub to rinse it off and Dear Jesus did that hurt!
I carefully pat dried my stinging petunia and walked like a bow legged cowboy to the bedroom for my undies. I noticed it was bleeding a little on one side. I decided to ice it for a while and it helped a little, that is until I tried to pull the towel-wrapped ice pack away and it had fused to my labia on account of the bleeding. I had to peel it off and it opened the wound again; I promptly took some ibuprofen and got in bed.
Tl;dr: I am not a smart woman. I hit the trifecta - itching, burning, and bloody labia fused to towel.
Blackbirdrx7: Hoohah? Petunia? Lady bits? Seriously, what is so uncomfortable about just using the medically correct term "vagina" or "vulva"?
(Honest question, not trying to make fun or be a jerk)
zehbruh: Just figured it gets boring to say vagina over and over
Blackbirdrx7: I guess so... I feel like a pedophile reading "cute" names for it. It's like a grown man saying "winkie" or "weewee". It's a bit... disturbing.
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1401416286 | 1401430967 | t3_26ub97 | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally sounding like a huge racist in a crowded area
True story... actually happened today. Probably the greatest accidental pun of my life time (I'm pretty boring, I know).
I'm sitting in a bubble tea place, (which if you aren't familiar, are usually asian restaurant/cafes, that have tea, smoothies, food, etc.), talking with my girlfriend and her friend. This place, being on a college campus, has a large asian community that hangs out there. On the TV they play a bunch of kpop and jpop videos, not really my style, but whatever.
So we are chatting, and maybe 60 seconds after a large group of asians come into the cafe, the song suddenly switches on the TV. The song is really annoying me, and I can't really put my finger on it, but then I realize why. All of the sudden, quite loudly, I decide to say "What is this, Asian country?"
My girlfriend instantly looks at me, and says my name, like she is scolding me for doing something awful. I didn't understand why at first, but then I start repeating back what I said, pausing towards the end after I realized what I had said. Her friend and her die laughing, while I'm sitting there feeling embarrassed and hope I don't get my ass kicked.
emmaensign: you may not have meant to say it out loud but it's not sound like a huge racist, it's just mindlessly exposing your racism
[deleted]: Not sure if you get what I was actually trying to say.. or what... I was saying Asian country, as in, Asian country music. not Asian country, as in, this place has a lot of Asians.
emmaensign: You didn't really illustrate that very well...just so you know know!
Either way, referring to asian people as just "a group of asians" is questionable to how you view the humanity of non-white people ;)
"a large group of whites walked in"
[deleted]: Not when it is important to demonstrate the awkwardness... but whatever.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1401411220 | 1401466383 | t3_26u3z1 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my mother I ghost rode my car.
My mom burst out into tears when I told her I ghost rode on my car with a group of friends. She lives in another state, is an ex-cop, and is a worry wart. I don't know what I was thinking when I told her, but when I did she started crying, telling me how she prays that I am alright and staying safe, and she went a bit hysterical about my safety. Now my mother is trying to buy a plane ticket home to come "take care" of me.
:(
physineer: Why would you anyway? That is so fucking retarded.
[deleted]: Yeah I have a real bad habit to telling people too much information.
NancyFuckinGrace: right there with you buddy
I have quite a few stories like that but never became of anything thankfully
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1401428996 | 1401439551 | t3_26ur9l | t5_2to41 | 28 | BroskiMonster: TIFU by almost burning the house down whilst taking a shit.
So,
I had just taken high school finals today with a huge confidence and decided once I get home I'll reward myself by napping for 3-4 hours. Once I am home I proceed to take a very long and well deserved shut eye. I kind of wake up around 7:00 PM with a grumbling stomach and a very large shit waiting to come out of my ass. I had realized at that moment of feeling this dump, that I had ate about 3 microwaveable burritos before I took a nap. Now my parents have this luxurious heated toilet seat ,which I haven't really used as much and I was still in that recently woken up state of still feeling the need to be comfortable, in their bathroom and I decide to use it.
So I'm there taking a very nice shit all comfortable like on my phone not having a care in the world. Suddenly a lighter(mom and dad are smokers and like to relax on the throne while having a cigarette after a long day at work) catches my eye on the side of my foot. Being the teenage pyromaniac that I am, started playing with it. About a minute of toying with the thing, I noticed that there's also an aerosol can of Lysol sitting in the corner of the private bathroom; I then so ingeniously decide to combine the two and make a make-shift flame thrower (mind you that I do this from time to time when I'm absolutely bored and nothing catches on fire).
Here's where things go to shit, I accidentally misfired it to where it hit the fucking end of the toilet paper roll and the flames slowly started reaching up to the wooden toilet paper holder. In a tired panic I rip off that piece and throw it **in the fucking trashcan** Noticing how badly I fucked up I tried to stomp the trashcan out but the flames were too much and by that time the whole room was full of smoke. Now the reason why I did not immediately bring the trashcan into the bathtub or sink was because my mother was in the master bedroom watching tv and I did not want to get my ass in trouble, but by that time it was too fucking late so I end up throwing the trash into the toilet to extinguish it.
Mom proceeds to come see what the smell is all about and finds a smokey bathroom and burnt trash in her toilet. So now I'm grounded for basically my whole summer just because I was out of it and decided to light toilet paper on fire.
**TL;DR: I was taking a shit, saw a lighter and an aerosol can, accidentally got the toilet paper on fire, threw it in the trash can in panic (judgement was clouded due to just waking up and being a dumb ass teenager) and almost burned the house down, now grounded for the whole summer**
muttonburns: I wouldn't get all fired up about it, the last thing you want to do is get all heated up and start flaming. just simmer down, and rise from the ashes.
hks9: this guy is a professional
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1401433050 | 1639705271 | t3_26uv4t | t5_2to41 | 649 | Toshingermann: TIFU by ripping an incredible fart in church.
Okay, to be fair here, it wasn't technically me, it was my brother. Also this was years ago. However, this remains one of the most incredible fuckups I have ever personally witnessed and I figured you guys might get a kick out of it.
To set the stage a bit: We're in Rhode Island in the 90s, and myself and my two younger brothers are the children of the children of Italian immigrants. We are descended from the kind of Stoic Catholicism you read about. Church is a solemn, Gothic affair with a lot of silence in between the call and response that makes up a normal Sunday service. Church is a Big Deal™ to my parents at the time, and you are not to fuck around during it.
Knowing that, I have to wonder what got into my folks' heads when we went out to breakfast prior to Church and wound up at this small eatery in Wakefield called the Bluebird Cafe.
Going out for breakfast pre-church was rare, but for some reason the decision was made to have breakfast as a family and eschew our normal 9AM service for the one at 11AM instead. On top of that, this place has really good food, but it's also very heavy depending on what you order. The portions are also gargantuan, which our server warned us about when all three of us boys tried to individually order huevos rancheros, but we protested that we were *totally* old enough to eat an entire plate of this ourselves (bearing in mind I was thirteen, middle son was eleven, youngest was nine). Our parents acquiesced and we all got our individual plates of food.
The huevos rancheros at this place isn't, like, a tortilla with an egg on it, mind you. Oh no. It is a giant fuck-off dinner-plate-sized flour patty with about three pounds of black beans on it, plus onions, a huge helping of grits, something like four eggs, an alarming amount of melted cheese, and copious hot sauce. One plate is enough to comfortably feed an average human for a day and a half.
I couldn't finish mine. Believe me I tried. Youngest son didn't even get halfway through.
Middle son ate the entire thing in about 45 seconds. He hoovered it up like it was going to get up and run away from him after a couple minutes. I'm sure, somewhere in the back of their heads, my parents could sense the brewing storm, but they said nothing at this point.
They did say something about an hour later as we were driving to church and my brother nonchalantly coughed a few times and then trumpet-blasted out an ungodly long fart in the back seat of the car. It had to have lifted him a foot in the air. I'm pretty sure his seatbelt locked because of it. It sounded like a dying goose put through a megaphone and ended with a pretty bad gurgling noise. He may well have shit his pants at this point.
Naturally myself and the youngest brother instantly lose our minds and are howling with laughter while my increasingly-pissed dad is trying to find a parking spot. By that point the smell had ballooned into the entire cabin of the car and my mom was making gagging noises and frantically trying to get all the windows rolled down while the middle kid sat there grinning like an idiot and the other two of us were gasping for air because of fart smell/uncontrollable laughter. It smelled like a carcass in there for days afterwards. It was bad.
So we finally find a parking spot and my poor dad is trying to get us to take this whole church thing semi-seriously and all three of us have the worst case of the giggles we've had in years. He scolds my brother to not "be disgusting" in church or he's going to be "really angry" and it's "not funny" and finally he just gives up because this is falling on obviously deaf ears for the most part, so he just kind of grabs us all and collectively frog-marches us inside.
Okay so Catholics/Church goers out there: You guys all know that bit in the Lord's Prayer where it goes "the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory, forever and ever" and the entire congregation goes "Amen"?
So my brother needed to fart again. He'd been holding this in for the better part of an hour long service at this point, and clearly by about the 45-minute mark he'd come to the realization that *I need to fart* had become *I'm going to fart*. He was cognizant of my dad's dire warning to not do this, so in his head he concocted the brilliant plan to time his fart for the "Amen" part, hoping the sound of an entire packed room of people chanting a single syllable would be enough to mask the sound, if maybe not the smell.
So he went for it.
Problem is, he mistimed it by about a second and a half.
It wound up going like this:
Father: "For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory, forever and ever."
Everyone: "Amen"
*beat of absolute, total silence*
*Ear-splitting, subwoofer-grade, bucket-of-chum-being-emptied-into-the-ocean five second long fart blast which echoed off the walls in the pindrop-silent room.*
It was bad, you guys. It was *bad*. The smell hit an old lady behind us a few seconds later and she actually gave a sort of panicked grunt and clutched at her face, so there was this horrid fart sound then this poor old lady going "uuuggggh!" and reeling backwards into the pew as the smell of rotting kid fart assaulted her and everyone around her.
My brother is trying to pinch it off pretty desperately, which just makes it worse because it goes from this massive boom to sort of squeaking out like a duck before he finally manages to clench enough to keep it in.
As this is going on, picture three young boys all standing there 100% straight up with looks of absolute neutrality on their faces, because that was us trying unbelievably hard not to totally lose our shit and laugh for the next six straight hours uncontrollably. While we were doing an admirable job of this, all our faces were beet red.
Worse, because my brother had pinched off a bit of fart, he was concentrating so hard on not launching into riotous laughter that his concentration would slip and a little squeak of a fart would slip out. This went on for the next thirty seconds or so, interrupting our poor priest as he tried to continue the sermon.
Every time he tried to finish a sentence you'd hear this little *frrt* and then a sort of quiet *hrrnnng* as we tried so, so hard not to laugh. All the while the swamp stench of digested egg was drifting around our pew, and entire families were trying to discretely shuffle away from us.
To my dad's credit, he didn't go ballistic on us when it was over. He just looked disappointed/relieved to be out of there. The three of us did not stop laughing until around dinner, and my dad just kind of gave up on the idea of having some kind of punishment and just decided we weren't going to go back to that church for a while.
It remains the single best farting-in-church thing that has ever happened.
HeckMaster9: Your epic story reminded me of one my dad put in the history books. He isn't usually known for epic releases of flatulence, but one day he took the crown for "Best I've ever heard".
He was taking me into his workplace one day to pick something up (so long ago I can't forget what). As he's key carding the door he lets out a short, deep, *ppphhh*. We both chuckle a bit, but not for more than a second because it wasn't anything big. We then proceed to walk through both sets of glass doors to make the ~30ft walk to his office. At the time we walked in, you could hear a pin drop until he took about 3 steps forward.
On step number four, the beast was unleashed. He released a buttcheek clapping, pushrod V8 roar that revved with each step. As he realized he had to make haste to his office, he quickened his pace.
*pppppphhhhhPPPHHppphhhPPPHHHpphhPPHHphPH*
I kid you not, the flatulence was non stop the entire way to his office door, as was my attempt to laugh as silently as possible while keeping pace with my dad.
He starting making pathetic attempts to control his laughter as he fumbled for his keys which quickened the blips of the throttle even more and made me almost completely lose it. The fart engine started to sputter on the way inside the office because we were silently laughing uncontrollably at that point. By the time we got in and shut and locked the door, the engine died and we lost it for a good 2 minutes. Luckily, all the cubicles we passed were blocked from viewing the dragstrip my dad laid waste to. Nobody made a sound and it wasn't brought up afterwards by any of his coworkers. But he and I usually bring it up in conversation every 6 months or so. Definitely a fart hall of famer for me.
CharliePuthsEyebrow: I cant believe this only has a few upvotes. LMAO!
HeckMaster9: 1. I completely forgot I made this comment
2. How on earth did you manage to reply to an 8 year old comment?
CharliePuthsEyebrow: No idea, I had it saved I guess. Has your life improved since this post? Did you invest in bitcoin back then? Wish I did...
HeckMaster9: Nope, but I did lose 70% of my initial investment by investing in crypto this last year. Life could definitely be better. I'm glad that my comment at least made someone chuckle 8 years later though.
| 6 | 108.166667 | |
1401439130 | 1401450665 | t3_26uzxh | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by showing my balls on chatroulette.
Long story short, I saw some guys with rangers jersey on and told them to fuck off because the rangers suck balls. They disagreed with me and so I showed them my balls and told them that the rangers suck balls. They reported me and I was insta-banned liked .02 seconds later. Now I have to go through some bullshit to redeem myself by going through millions of dick picks to be able to get my chatroulette privileges back. Its not like I was showing some girls my bird, I was showing these three 20 something y/o guys my balls, I showed them my gross balls to spite their eastern conference win. Give me a break.
SpinningNipples: Who the hell shows their genitals to people from their rival team. Wat.
Lehk: You don't?
| 3 | 1 | |
1401439638 | 1401442992 | t3_26v0am | t5_2to41 | 10 | observe-and-report: TIFU by dumping 50 pounds of shrimp on the floor
I used to work at a meat and fish shop, and my boss would always make me work the holidays. He would sell 100s of pounds of food a day to people. It is also important to note that we had a manager, Sam, and the owner, Dave, who both supervised. I come in Christmas eve, and of course not only are the boss and owner there, but so is his dad, who's a real prick, and his sister. They all were helping him in the kitchen.
So I come in, with a hangover that could be confused as the flu, and try to just get through the day. Thats when it all turns to shit. Dave asks me to cook 50 lbs of shrimp in a huge cauldron they used to do it in. I reluctantly fill the pot with bag after bag of shrimp. I also hate the smell of shrimp. I fucking hate it. It makes me gag if I get too close. So i held my nose, filled up the pot with 50 lbs, then went back out to the front of store. 45 minutes later, dave asks me to empty the shrimp into huge ice bucket. I get the ice, fill it and begin to carry the shrimp to the walk in cooler. This is where I done goofed. In my post drunk stupor, i completely miss a cord on the floor and smacked into the ice bucket. I saw it wobble side to side. My heart stopped. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. Even the cooks ran out of the trajectory of the bucket. This tsunami of shrimp was about to be released and there was nothing anybody could do about it. I dove in dramatic fashion out of the way. The bucket tipped over.
I don't know if you can truly picture 50 lbs of shrimp, but in a way it was beautiful. A beautiful shrimp tsunami that swept through the kitchen floor, and into the front of the building. The customers look on with horror as the customers shoes were soaked in water and shrimp floated by. Everyone stared at it. Nobody even yelled at me. Silence hung in the air for what seemed like an hour, then i made what I thought was a pretty funny joke.
"shrimp floortail. Eh? Eh?"
Nobody laughed. Then, if this shrimp floortail couldnt get any worse, i felt my stomach turn. I puked alcohol and dunkin donuts all over the floor. Everywhere. The overwhelming stench of shrimp and the hangover made my stomach turn. At this point i could have taken my pants off and shit on the floor and I don't think anybody would have cared. I walked out of the building and went home for the day without saying a word. So i guess on the bright side I got off early on christmas eve.
Tl;dr Dumped 50 lbs of shrimp on the floor then threw up on it
ThrowAwayForFap115: And is this why you USED to work on the shop?
observe-and-report: surprisingly I didnt get fired. ended up working there for all of high school
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1401412031 | 1401609776 | t3_26u54j | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by being cartoonishly oblivious to an opportunity to make out
This TIFU is not from today, it's from maybe six years ago, but that's okay. Rule number one.
When I was in high school, I was staying at a hotel for a debate tournament. I didn't really have friends on the team so I was talking to this other girl from another school. We walked off and hung out together talking. It was a while ago, so my memories are vague, but I remember some details. I remember we sat by the pool and watched the hotel's gym through a glass wall, talking about our teammates. I remember we talked in her hotel room when no one else was around. I remember she told me she was a lesbian.
I repeat: she *told me she was a lesbian* and we *hung out alone in her room*.
We had a lovely discussion and then I went back to my room to sleep. The end!
Years later, I finally connected the damn dots. *SHE TOTALLY WANTED TO MAKE OUT WITH ME.* I must have been the most braindead teenager on the planet! How the hell did I not pick up on that? I should have done it! What is wrong with me? I mean, Jesus, even if I decided I wasn't into it a lesbian experimentation story would be way better than a story about my unfathomable density. God damn it!
Don't get too excited, Reddit, I had pizza face and no idea how to dress myself. Not a sexy teenager. *All the more reason I should have gone for that golden opportunity.* Damn you and your shyness, random lesbian! We could have had something!
UltimateDestroyer2: I am paralyzed. Why would she tell you that she is lesbian when she's apparently not?
[deleted]: What makes you say she wasn't a lesbian...?
LaDyFrEaKkKkK: I think it's the assumption that you are a "he".
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1401411308 | 1401472041 | t3_26u438 | t5_2to41 | 27 | C4Play00: TIFU By letting my cat sleep my bedroom
So, my girlfriend and I have a few pets, one of which is a cat, two dogs and a chinchilla. We just recently moved into a new house, and the chinchilla stayed in our office in the old one to keep him away from the cat, hence why he wasn't allowed in there ever since he liked to be a bastard to the poor thing. Any who, we're still unpacking things and of course, our new office isn't set up so the chinch is chilling on top of our dresser in the bedroom. Usually, the dogs sleep in the living room and the cat lays at the end of the bed, last night, he decided to be a bitch.
It's about 3:30-4am and we can hear the chinchi squeaking around and chewing on something. We assumed it was just one of his toys, as he usually does that whenever we had him in the office. We ignored it, and after awhile, he wouldn't calm down. Here I am, delirious from being half way between awake and dreaming, and I see the outline of something on top of the dresser. In a brief moment of panic, I wake my girlfriend, she spooks what we soon find out is the cat on top of the chinchilla cage, and he goes bat shit and vaults off the cage, onto the bed, lands on my girlfriend, she freaks the fuck out thinking it's an intruder, and I hear a loud bang and crash on the floor. I jump off the bed, flip on the light switch and now my bedroom floor is covered in chinchilla bedding, shit, piss and my chinchilla is nowhere to be found. My girlfriends covered in scratches from our cat practically mauling her, my cats freaking out and trying to squirm away and find his midnight snack, and I'm still trying to process what's just happened.
After about a minute, I figured out the chinchilla is underneath the bed, right in the middle, and he's chewing on something. I start pulling things out from underneath and he keeps hiding behind more shit. I finally manage to clear a line of sight and see the little fucker chewing on a pair of my shoes. I reach underneath and get him by the tail, pull him out, and now my cats vaulting from my girlfriend, towards me and the chinchilla, thankfully, I'm awake at this point and get the chinchilla above my head, allowing my cats claws to sink right into me.
Lovely.
Now my girlfriend and I are thoroughly scratched up, my chinchi's heart is beating about 712 beats a minute, the cats proud of his work, and I have a litter box for my bedroom floor. Awesome.
Tl;dr - Cat knocked chinchilla cage off the dresser, woke us up in the middle of the night, cat scratched us up, chinchilla chewed stuff, and my bedroom floor is currently being vacuumed clean of chinchilla shit, piss and bedding.
thestarlingone: To be fair, you didn't fuck up, your cat is just a little bitch. Maybe consider not having so many animals?
C4Play00: I'd consider that, but honestly I couldn't get rid of any. They're like fuzzy children after awhile, ya know? Even though my cats the red headed step child.
thestarlingone: Haha, so a cheeky one then! I'd love to have a Chinchilla, does yours have a personality? or are they just cuddle machines?
Silverlight42: most chinchillas i've met are fairly skitterish. some to the point of insta-piss if they're startled. Takes a quiet person to really make a chinchilla happy.
thestarlingone: Oh, i really thought they would be more friendly. Are they expensive to care for?
Silverlight42: I don't think so. They're mostly like other caged rodents I expect.
I've never owned any -- but had a couple of friends who did.
One of them though had a whole room dedicated, walls of interconnected cages and tunnels. it was pretty cool.
| 7 | 3.857143 | |
1401442092 | 1401452924 | t3_26v215 | t5_2to41 | 5 | JoXand: TIFU by procrastinating a 2500-word essay
I had 3 weeks to start my 2500-word essay on common HR violations between 3 countries, and I spent the first half of that planning it out. I nearly finished it on Wednesday (1793) but something fucked up my computer and I couldn't restore my work so I had to make do with a (very) early one (~200 words, intro done). I am caught up with Drama practises during lunch and for 90 minutes afterschool, getting back to hardcore revision (as I have 90 mins to catch up on). Today I go to the teacher with around 800 words, and he fucking chews me out (apparently) forgetting about the failure on Wednesday.
Yes, I knew I probably had it coming (not being prepared with backups and whatnot). Whatever.
potato99: I procrastinate as well but I do better when I do
JoXand: Teach me your ways...
potato99: Watch youtube videos on the topic to study
Only study what you have to
If all else fails pray and bullshit
JoXand: Thanks.
| 5 | 1 | |
1401449529 | 1401456737 | t3_26v7wh | t5_2to41 | 18 | Fifa_1999: TIFU: Shit happens
I was travelling across Malaysia and ended up on an island off the coast called Tioman (I think!) Now, I always like to sample the local cuisine, so you might think you know where this is going.
After a local fish dish I have a very dodgy stomach. The only toilets are the hole in the ground type, and I'm not too good with those. In fact on the second day I am so ill that I begin to hallucinate and scare the living crap (no pun intended) out of the girl I'm travelling with and would've have been sleeping with if I could stay out of the toilets for more than 5 minutes at a time. Honestly, I thought I had malaria or something, I saw fucking worms coming out of the walls!
Anyway, when I was a kid if I ever ate boiled eggs I would become heavily constipated. So I reason that if I eat a load of boiled eggs here it should have a similar effect and bung me up. I go to the local restaurant and ask them to boil me a load of eggs. I don't speak the local language so I point at stuff and somehow we sort it out. I didn't do it myself because there was no cooker in our room, just a bed and a mosquito net.
So the cook serves up my boiled eggs, but for some fucking reason he's put them in a curry sauce of some kind. WTF? But at this point I'm too ill to argue, I'm losing body mass and look fucking terrible. I eat the eggs.
What happened next, well, this pretty much scarred me for life. The girl I was with has not spoken a word to me since this event, back in 2002.
For most of that night I was okay. I farted every now and then but it wan't too bad, the smell was awful but that was it. And then it happened. I felt a fart building, this was in the early hours of the morning, and I thought "I'll let it out slowly do I don't wake her." But no. A gentle fart turns into something wet. I bolt for the toilet but it's too late, I'm fucking SPRAYING liquid shit everywhere, and I can't stop it. I pebble dash the bedroom, the toilet, end up standing in the shower desperately trying to wash this shit away. She is in the bedroom weeping. I'm in the shower crying. It fucking lasted hours. I was about three stone lighter when it ended, and it took a whole day to clean that fucking place up. She couldn't even look at me. She took a ferry off the island without even telling me and I ended up travelling alone for a couple more weeks before I went home.
Shit happens, I guess.
Ghostwolf517: Sooo....did you have malaria?
Fifa_1999: No, it was just food poisoning from the shitty egg
Ghostwolf517: But...what made u see worms?
Fifa_1999: Must've been the shitty eggs
Ghostwolf517: Must have been
| 6 | 3 | |
1401450676 | 1401537341 | t3_26v8wi | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by failing my driving test
So I had my driving test this morning. All was going well until I approached the roundabout and looked to my right to see if someone was there. Well they were, but they were indicating to go left. Cool, I think, I can go. So I happily pull out to go around the roundabout, when, still indicating left, the car just casually decides to drive straight on instead. Examiner screeches 'STOP!', and I fail. Rant over. I have been steadily bawling my eyes out for the past two hours.
Anyone got any funny / horrific driving test stories to make me giggle?
Darthblaker7474: Learner driver here, how exactly did you fail?
[deleted]: I kinda explained it above, but I was at a roundabout and the car to my right was signalling left, so I thought it was safe to go. However, instead of turning left, he went straight across me instead, and the examiner decided I hadn't stopped in time (I was a way off from him though). I don't know where you are, but in the UK you can have 15 minors before you fail, and no majors. This incident was a major, and up to this point I only had 3 minors, so it was extra frustrating. Oh well, I'll hope for better next time!
Darthblaker7474: I'm from the UK, so I wanted to clear up what happened so I can avoid it when I take my test.
Also, couldn't you argue that the other driver was at fault? And that the circumstance was out of your control?
[deleted]: I guess I could, but the examiner is renowned for being harsh and I didn't stop in time according to her, even though there was no collision. My advice would just be to check roundabouts, junctions, etc extra carefully, because some people just are dumb / asshole drivers. But I'm sure you'll do good, just don't let nerves get to you! :)
lucky_ducker: I don't think your examiner was being harsh... the ugly truth of it is that you should assume that every other driver out there is going to do the stupidest thing possible right in front of you. As my driving instructor said, "don't trust your life to someone else's turn signal." I will note a turn signal but until I see the car slowing and actually starting to turn their wheels I don't assume they are going to actually make the turn.
[deleted]: Hm I suppose. I think I was just extra annoyed because I'd have passed otherwise, haha.
| 7 | 1.142857 | |
1401456155 | 1401482867 | t3_26veyk | t5_2to41 | 154 | ladeedaaaah: TIFU by answering a booty call with an upset stomach (NSFW)
I was just sitting down to play with my favorite plug and a vibrator when my FWB texted me to tell me he wants me...I respond to tell him my current situation and that I was thinking of him, so he invites me over so he can fuck my ass properly.
Now...my stomach's been bothering me for a few days, but I'm feeling alright, and the plug came out clean, so I figured it was no worries, right? I'm sure you already know, that wasn't right.
We were fooling around with the lights off, and things felt absolutely amazing...I get off, then he gets off...then he pulls out and makes a sort of surprised sound...I glance at him at notice that he's staring at his dick with an uncomfortable look. Then the smell hits me. Oh. Oh shit.
He was remarkably cool about it--grabbed a pack of baby wipes and we both cleaned up, he asked if I was okay, or if the sex was too rough, then assures me he's not upset and I shouldn't be embarrassed (of course, this doesn't stop me from being mortified). The sheets managed to be fine, somehow. We actually continued to hang out for several hours afterwards, and had sex a few more times before I headed home (though, we opted for the more traditional orifice after that...).
TL;DR: answered a booty call with a burbly tummy, ended up shitting all over my FWB's dick.
[deleted]: You should be more embarrassed about the fact you sit around with a but plug up your arse than this lol
[deleted]: Someone has a sad sex life.
[deleted]: Sitting at home with a butt plug up your anus is not a sex life it's advanced masturbation
[deleted]: Some people get paid realllllly well to do that in the comfort of their home on camera.
[deleted]: People get paid to shit themselves in a pair of tights as well
[deleted]: Luckily I'm not involved in the latter.
[deleted]: Good
| 8 | 19.25 | |
1401458723 | 1401463166 | t3_26vifg | t5_2to41 | 30 | whatamitodoohno: Tifu by giving myself a dry socket
I just got all four of my wisdom teeth extracted. They weren't impounded and I didn't have any jaw stiffness or anything, so I decided to eat a hard-boiled egg. My mouth was still numb and I'd just taken a percocet, so I couldn't really feel anything. But my mouth was too numb and I knew I wasn't supposed to really swallow, so I had a lot more trouble eating the egg than I thought I would, so I aborted and just started picking the pieces out of my mouth. Reached in the back, felt something rubbery stuck behind my teeth, figured it was egg, and tugged it out. Nope. My blood clot. And then I tried to convince myself I was wrong and I hadn't done that. Now it's the next day and I definitely did.
Username__Irrelevant: Wat.
Is that bad? Don't really get what happened :/
whatamitodoohno: When you get a tooth removed a blood clot forms in the socket until it heals. I accidentally pulled one of mine out, leaving the bone and nerve exposed. It hurts like a bitch and, since I waited a day to get it checked out, it's probably infected.
Username__Irrelevant: Oh. I would say more but my teeth hurt just thinking about that. Unlucky?
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1401457704 | 1401481210 | t3_26vgz5 | t5_2to41 | 20 | gloriesguitar: TIFU by turning my bedroom into a Dutch oven.
I was in party mode last night. I get the boys and the booze together and all is well. Beers were drunk, weed was smoked, laughs were had by all. The time came to say goodbyes and head back to our respective abodes. This is where our story truly begins. I have a atrocious Acid Reflux Disease and I have to take Protonix (sp?) twice daily, or else I wake up in extreme pain. Seeing as I was about as high as Tommy Chong, it completely slipped my mind before I PTFO in my bed. Cue morning. I wake up to the most pungent smell of concentrated booty pootie I have ever smelled. While in my slumber, all the beer had fermented in my troubled guts and had been expelled for god knows how long. I am still sounding off like Louie Armstrong every 15 seconds and I'm afraid I might spontaneously combust, but at least I didn't shit the bed, so I've got that going for me.
Tl;Dr: My room smells like the inside of Paula Dean's butt.
mythrowawayresponse: try changing your diet, else cancer... that'll be the real fuck up.
tetrahydrocanada: What? From some beers and weed on a party night? No.
mythrowawayresponse: ... if someone knows they have a medical condition then continues to constantly bombard their body with toxins will destablize their immune system and eventually cause a further complication; such as cancer. Someone with a severe disposition should not try and 'live it up' like someone without a disposition. This is reality. Just giving sound advice because it sounds like they aren't aware. Take it or leave it. :)
tetrahydrocanada: Are you talking about medical conditions and severe dispositions in general or more specifically Acid Reflux? I'd be interested in seeing your sources.
Galen_Sharphoof: he's talking about acid reflux, I assume.
To explain it shortly, the reflux "burns" and irritates your digestive tract; any form of irritation causes cellular damage, and a REPEATED cellular damage (from a chronic acid reflux) objectively increases the *possibility* of developing a tumor.
tetrahydrocanada: Interesting, TIL. Thanks for the informative reply.
Galen_Sharphoof: No probs buddy :)
| 8 | 2.5 | |
1401463206 | 1401464573 | t3_26vpc5 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU: Going to my Ex's house because she had "Family Problems"
Last night around 11:45 I got a call from my Ex. My phone said "Incoming call from DON'T MESSAGE DIS BITCH" So for some reason i picked it up anyways always curious to why she wants to talk. Before i get to much into the story. I broke up with her because I was unhappy because she wanted to cheat on me and i was treated like a retarded horse. we dated for around 1 and a half years. Anyways.. I go to her house thinking it was was about "Family" She gets in my car and she starts breaking down about "I miss you so much" "I cry myself to sleep" Well I don't care. She started telling me she dated this other guy for a few weeks and had sex with him ect. While i was just sitting in my car having a normal conversation she touched my leg. Mind me i have not gotten any ass in 3 months so I get insta-hard. She then saw i got hard and got on top of me and started kissing me. I don't know why i started kissing her back but i regretted it right away. Her mom then came out because her motion activated light came on and she was on top of me. ohshitohshitohshit. She saw nothing but still it was a fucked up night and now she's going crazy thinking we are getting back together.
mythrowawayresponse: **Protip:** Anytime anyone tries to get close like "I'm the special GF close - hand over your nuts" I mention "Oh I'm sorry, I say that to all my girlfriends" and when they seem confused throw them this link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory
My results: You'd be surprised how many are OK with this compared to how many are not. The ones that aren't move on the ones that are become good friends (with benefits). Turns out we are free to do what we want and don't have to follow a traditional 1:1 ratio.
autowikibot: #####&#009;
######&#009;
####&#009;
[**Polyamory**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory): [](#sfw)
---
>
>__Polyamory__ (from [Greek](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_language) πολύ *poly*, "many, several", and [Latin](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Latin_language) *amor*, "[love](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love)") is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and [consent](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Consent) of everyone involved. It is distinct from [Swinging](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swinging_(sexual_practice\)) (which emphasizes sex with others as merely recreational) and may or may not include [polysexuality](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polysexuality) (attraction towards multiple [genders](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genders) and/or [sexes](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexes)).
>Polyamory, often abbreviated as *poly*, is often described as "consensual, ethical, and responsible [non-monogamy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-monogamy)." The word is sometimes used in a broader sense to refer to sexual or romantic relationships that are not sexually exclusive, though there is disagreement on how broadly it applies; an emphasis on ethics, honesty, and transparency all around is widely regarded as the crucial defining characteristic.
>The term "polyamorous" can refer to the nature of a relationship at some point in time or to a [philosophy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philosophy) or relationship orientation (much like gender or sexual orientation). It is sometimes used as an [umbrella term](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Umbrella_term) that covers various forms of multiple relationships; polyamorous arrangements are varied, reflecting the choices and philosophies of the individuals involved. Polyamory is a less specific term than [polygamy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polygamy), the practice or condition of having more than one [spouse](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spouse_(disambiguation\)). (The majority of polygamous cultures are traditionally [polygynous](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polygynous), where one husband has multiple wives. [Polyandrous](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyandrous) societies, in which one wife has multiple husbands, are less common but do exist. ) Marriage is not a requirement in polyamorous relationships. The "knowledge and consent of all partners concerned" is a defining characteristic of polyamorous relationships. Distinguishing polyamory from other forms of non-monogamy (e.g., "[cheating](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infidelity)") is an ideology that openness, goodwill, truthful communication, and ethical behavior should prevail among all the parties involved. As of July 2009, it was estimated that more than 500,000 polyamorous relationships existed in the United States.
>====
>[**Image**](https://i.imgur.com/XAhiHTJ.png) [^(i)](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Polyamory.svg) - *The infinity heart is a widely used symbol of polyamory. [1]*
---
^Interesting: [^Open ^relationship](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Open_relationship) ^| [^Terminology ^within ^polyamory](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Terminology_within_polyamory) ^| [^Polyamory: ^Married ^& ^Dating](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory:_Married_%26_Dating) ^| [^Values ^within ^polyamory](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Values_within_polyamory)
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| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1401464978 | 1401468028 | t3_26vsch | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by almost hitting pedestrians in front of 10 policemen..
Excuse my spelling and format. This is my first reddit post and being done from a cellphone.
So this event happened to me roughly 2 years ago but still gets me a little nervous when I see crosswalks.
Let me set the scene here: I'm casually driving back to my apartment with my gf at the time. The very instant I fucked up occurred while driving right next to the downtown police station where I see a long line of police cars probably starting their shift and leaving the station. Trying to point out what otherwise may have been missed, I state to my girlfriend "oh look, a police brigade!" All the while using one hand to point it out. During this instance, I'm approaching a marked crosswalk with notification lights. And they're flashing. What I failed to see while pointing out the obvious was the pedestrian trying to cross the road. After hearing the shrill shriek from my gf that was fortunately paying attention to the road, I swerve in time to miss the pedestrian. Mind you, they were in no real danger - they had just begun their voyage across the road and were well to the side. Nonetheless, I knew I had fucked up at this point. I instantly pull over and dejectedly wait for one of the officers to flip their lights and pull a u-turn. As this was my first time being pulled over, I was uncertain as to the attitude I wanted to pursue with this officer. Frightened, confident, mundane.. I ended up choosing to be comedic. Fuck up number 2. The officer comes up to my window and does the routine licence and registration request. In a friendly tone, I jokingly suggest to him "lucky day for you, you don't even have to drive far from the station!" He's having none of it. Takes his sunglasses off and looks into my soul.. "Do you know how much a ticket is for failing to yield to a pedestrian?" Still pursuing my comedic approach since it's too late to backdown, I jokingly reply with "a lot." Still staring at me, he repeats for me to say a number. Shit. There's no getting out of this one. I refuse, saying I really don't want to play this game knowing that it won't end well. He asks a third time and I finally give in saying $100. He replies back with $500. Oh.. and to top off this lovely encounter, he kindly brings to my attention my insurance is expired and will cost another 300! At this point I'm sitting at an 800 dollar ticket as a broke ass student.. Being the genuine cop that he was though, and as this was my first encounter with the police, he let me off with a warning and I drive on my merry way with hawk eyes for every successive crosswalk.
Fast forward 20 hours when I'm driving the gf back home.. Right as we pull away from the curb she jokingly states to try to not hit any pedestrians today. We both give out a nervous chuckle.. at this time, the sun is setting and is right in our face. Even with sunglasses we could see shit in front of us. We pull up to a fairly busy road and wait to turn left. Look left, clear. Look right, clear. Shit ya let's role! Start turning and we hear a heavy toned scream followed by an individual jumping out of the way to the left of the car. Fuck! He looks pissed! We see that he's understandably yelling.. but not at us. something to the right of us. Look to the right, ghost car pulled over on the road. Fuck! For what felt like an eternity, the officer in the car and I made heavy and awkward eye contact as neither of us knew how to handle the situation. Do I preemptively pull over again and await the awkward conversation of how this instance happened just yesterday and that my insurance is still out of date? Do I drive away and act casual? Bail out of the car and run? I chose to just drive on down the road like a badass and pretend nothing happened. The cop never did end up following us as we later found through investigation of the crosswalk that on the other side of the intersection that the pedestrian was crossing was a marked crosswalk where he should have been crossing; meaning he was technically j-walking..
And that's the story of how I fucked up by almost hitting two pedestrians in front of cops.. and got away with no tickets.
I have now improved tremendously and keep well focused on the road ahead and on all crosswalks. Have yet to be pulled over since.
ii_misfit_o: so the fact if the police weren't there you would've hit and run? nice....
gadgetboyj: He didn't hit either pedestrian, just came close to hitting both.
| 3 | 1 | |
1401463313 | 1401482469 | t3_26vpi7 | t5_2to41 | 339 | BigDreamerSmallThink: TIFU when I went to hook up with a girl instead of meeting up with my best friend.
This event happened several years ago, but it is something that has affected many things in my life since.
About 15 years ago I was in juvenile detention. I made a friend there that became almost as close as a brother. I was in there for anger and aggression related matters, he was in there for sexual assault reasons, I learned this years later.
He had been released from detention and was going back home to live with his family. Luckily I was transferred to an open community facility only a few blocks away from him a few months later. I was like most rebellious males at that age, flexing my muscles, trying to get girls, and breaking the rules. And so moving to that environment I felt like a kid in a candy store, there were hot girls my age all over the place. Well my friend started getting depressed, and he wouldn't tell me why. Weeks went by like this and I didn't get to see him very often, which bothered me because we were so close. He asked me to come over one day so we could talk. I told him I would be there by 1PM. What I didn't expect was for a girl I liked to call me and say her parents were out of the house for the next few hours ;). So I went by her place first and stopped by my buddies a couple of hours later. When I got there around 3PM I knocked on the door and no one answered. Both of his parents were at work, so I figured he must have gone out.
Well I was asked to go for a drive with one of the house wardens the next day, it was unusual but from the feel of the environment I could tell it wasn't going to be something good. While we were driving to the coffee shop I remember asking if they had found my mom, but unfortunately she was dead, or didn't want to see me. (I had been looking for her for several years, never found her, different story not for this thread) Well the warden looked surprised and asked why I would think that, so I told him I just had a feeling that someone close had died. He got tears in his eyes as he told me that my best friend had been found dead behind a bush in a park after overdosing on drugs the day before. It was a suicide and he had left a note for his parents. The report said that he had been found at around 4:30 PM by a woman walking her dog, they believe he died somewhere between 2:30-3:30PM.
I blamed myself for the death for a very long time. I still feel guilty, if I had only gone over when I said I was going to, perhaps I could have saved him. I looked for different ways to commemorate him and to do things in his name. I volunteered at the hospital he was brought to for a few years. I got some horrible tattoo to remember him by. I visited his grave for a while on his birthday and the anniversary of his death, but seeing his parents always made me break down, so I just couldn't go there any more.
As years went by I learned more about the secret past of my friend, the things I was told were at the time wrong to my mind. I thought badly of him because of it. Well his parents heard that I had discovered his past. They asked me to read the suicide letter he had left behind, because for so many years I was his only friend and the only person besides themselves that treated him like a person, and they didn't want that to die too. Well I read the letter and I broke down in tears. My friend was gay, I never realized it in all the time that he and I were friends. He had hurt his brother when they were both young and my friend was taken into custody from that point on by the crown. I met him a few yeas after he had been sent up, and he didn't have any friends there. He wrote about how sad and lonely his life had been. How alone he felt and how pointless it all seemed. He mentioned me in it. It turns out he was going to do it anyway. He asked me to come by so that he could tell me that he loved me, and knew I would never feel the same, he was going to confess it all and then slip quietly into the night.
Update:
Thank you all for your kind words. It has been a long time since this happened and I have made a very good life for myself. I don't want anyone to think that I'm not happy or that I pine over my friend every waking moment. But this experience was one of the biggest regrets I have carried in my life. I saw this thread as an opportunity to share with strangers what I find most difficult to share with those closest to me. You have all been a very understanding sounding board for my thoughts and I think nothing but the best of each of you for not making jokes about such a dark situation.
djgump35: I would say, the best takeaway you have is that before he left his life of suffering, he had love with you. No matter what else went on, there was a light, where there was none.
DebatableAwesome: Love unrequited isn't much good.
djgump35: Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
jiujitsuguy: "Try it some time" -K
| 5 | 67.8 | |
1401463877 | 1401790336 | t3_26vqga | t5_2to41 | 7 | choppysocks123z: TIFU by lighting a can of butane with my hand inside
This was a while ago. Basically I was messing about with one of those butane lighters, I pierced it some how, it was spewing the gas everywhere so I threw it in one of those Mini cheddar cans(empty) and put the lid back on. About a week later the can was still there. Being a retard I decided to open it, get a lighter, and see if it would still ignite. a huge flame came out of it, practically exploding. Ive never moved my hand so quickly, I burnt 3 of my fingers and the top of my thumb. I quickly ran them underneath a cold tap for a minute or two, about 10 minutes later I get this searing pain, it lasted for 3 days. I told my mum, being a blunt and not so sympathetic woman, she called me a fucking idiot and did not decide to help me. If we didn't have one of those little first aid bags, The pain would of lasted longer, and it would of hurt a lot more. I was an idiot.
[deleted]: I love your mom.
choppysocks123z: Na, shes a bitch. Giving me and my girlfriend alot of trouble.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1401469180 | 1401529187 | t3_26vz3w | t5_2to41 | 14 | ditzymissglitzy: TIFU by accidentally mimicking a hand-job. [Mildly NSFW]
So first off, for context, I work in a place with a bunch of bad people. There is a stretch of road I have to walk by that borders the back windows of where these bad people live. I have seen many lovely things while walking by these windows in the past from masturbation and so on, though most of it is just leering faces smooshed up against the glass, following me with their eyes.
Alright, you get the picture.
A coworker and myself were walking down this particular stretch of road, ignoring hungry eyes, and talking about the soda she'd been ask to fetch for someone she was angry at. It was the usual, "I should shake it up before giving it to them", joke. Laughing, I said, "Yeah! Just go *[mimics shaking soda and throwing it at the person]*" Because I was playing silly, I was enthusiastically doing my mime session without any thought to the world of what else it could appear to be.
However because I was NOT the one holding a soda can it basically looked like I was jerking off an incredibly large invisible piece of manmeat and the "throwing of the can" looked like I was mimicking a beautiful spray of manjuice.
The second after I finished it she looked at me with wide eyes and exclaimed, "Do you just realize what you DID?!"
Well, it was already done, what more could I do? I shrugged and said, "hey, at least I gave them a show." Have to play off the embarrassment somehow.
Edit: Very funny, Reddit. My captcha to submit this post has the word "cum" in it.
professor007: do you work with a bunch of pedophiles?
ditzymissglitzy: Some are pedophiles, some are sexual offenders of other sorts, others are drug abusers...and it just spirals downhill from there.
Edit: I accidentally a word
mrmcmaine: The way you order "Pedophile, sex offender, drug abusers, an then it all spirals downhill" kind if makes it seem like you're saying drugs are worse than pedophilia.
ditzymissglitzy: Heh, you're right. My bad. In no way are drugs worse than pedophilia.
In my mind I was just answering it in the order that had been asked (by saying yes to the first question and giving examples to what comes next). By "it all spirals downhill", I meant following those crimes are violent murderers and so on.
A prison. I work in a prison. I was trying to skirt around actually saying I do, but I do.
ayala965: I KNEW IT!!!! Im in the prison business to! I knew it right when you said they jack off while others can easily see,them
ditzymissglitzy: Isn't it lovely? /s
ayala965: Its strange when you tell people on the outside "meh, you get used to it"
ditzymissglitzy: Hah! Very, very true. I'll retell various stories of "wild" things that have occurred and everyone will be looking at me in utter shock while I'm completely nonchalant and not phased at all by it. You really do get desensitized though.
| 9 | 1.555556 | |
1401463154 | 1401488775 | t3_26vp8w | t5_2to41 | 65 | cantstopnwont: TIFU by not waiting long enough to fart
So I've been seeing this guy for a few months now and we are getting pretty comfortable with each other, but not comfortable enough to where we feel like it's okay to freely fart in front of each other. This morning I was hanging out at his apartment on the couch drinking coffee and watching Tony Bourdain's Parts Unknown (Peru episode) on netflix when he said he had to step out to interview someone over the phone for work. Well, the coffee was making my insides rumble and I was glad he was walking out so I could have an opportunity to let one rip. He grabbed the empty pizza box from last night and headed for the door. I heard the door open, then heard the door shut, and while I would usually wait a minute or two to make sure he didn't come back in to grab something he had forgotten, I didn't this time. I let one rip, and it was a big, boisterous one (because pizza the night before and coffee). Moments later, I heard his footsteps coming back down his hall towards me (he lives in a really small studio apartment...) accompanied by uncontrollable laughter. He said something like, "you'd been holding that one in for awhile hadn't you?" and I rebutted with something like, "well at least I tried to wait until you left to room." I'm pretty sure my face turned ten shades of red segueing into purple.
Turns out he was just setting the pizza box outside the door to take down to the trash while he brushed his teeth..
I'm still dying about it.
EDIT: he just texted me "💨💨"
Stuckin_Foned: That's not fucking up that is cute.
cantstopnwont: hopefully he thought so too
octavesemitone: you're cute
| 4 | 16.25 | |
1401470748 | 1401800636 | t3_26w1qv | t5_2to41 | 19 | __caught__: TIFU by being caught by my GF
This happened last week to be exact. Finally got around to making a new account to post this.
So my girl was at work for the day and I had the house to myself. After doing some studying and other stuff throughout the day I felt I needed to relax a bit. I texted my girlfriend to make sure she was still at work. I asked her what time are you out? she said 5. It's 4:30 now, and it takes her half an hour to get home, so I thought to myself I have plenty of time for some, um, personal time. So I fire up my laptop, pull down my shorts and boxers, and lay down in bed searching for that perfect video. We'll between messing around with my wifi connection and searching for just the right video I got started at around 4:50. No problem I thought, she won't be home til 5:30. As I'm laying there half naked going at it with myself I hear the front door open. Now the front door is pretty close to our bedroom so it would take her about 2-3 seconds to get to the room. I had to make a choice, pull up my pants or close the rather disturbing tabs I had open. I made my choice and manage to close the tabs just as she walks in to find me laying there on our bed with a raging hard on and my shorts to my ankles. She froze, then proceeded to laugh for the next 15 minutes as I laid there wedged between the pillows trying to hide my embarrassment. I managed to ask why she was home so early and she said she wanted to surprise me. Needless to say we were both surprised that day.
Elori: Should've whipped your close off and preformed "The Naked Man"
hybridman: Works 2 out of 3 times
Elori: Pretty good odds though ;D
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1401449394 | 1401475928 | t3_26v7s2 | t5_2to41 | 23 | fastal_12147: TIFU by trusting a co-worker to check her work
OK, so I work the night shift at a hotel. Usually pretty boring, nothing much to do. Watch a lot of Netflix. That sort of thing. Well, I came in to work last night and my co-worker tells me some of the road crew staying there has to stay over the weekend, and they'll be moving to new rooms in the morning since the rooms they're in are reserved for the weekend. I think, 'No biggie. Give 'em their keys in the morning, they move their shit before work, done." Well, I guess my co-worker forgot that SOMEONE WAS ALREADY STAYING IN ONE OF THE ROOMS THEY WERE MOVING INTO.
First the guy comes up to the desk, saying the keys don't work. I make a new set, think everything will be fine. He comes back, they don't work again. I make a new set. He comes back a third time, saying they don't work. I tell him it must be a problem with the lock, and we'll have it fixed by the time they get back from work. About 5 minutes after this, I get a call. There's a lady in that room they were trying to get into. She says that someone was trying repeatedly to open her door. I tell her the situation, and I can just tell she's pissed. Which is totally understandable. I would be too. I just hope I don't lose my job over this...
trireme32: I'm a front office manager, and I can't believe that you would lose your job. If it were me, I might write you up, since you didn't double-check the system before you made the keys. If you were pretty new, and/or haven't really made many mistakes before this, I'd probably just discuss it with you and not do any documentation.
I would also hope that you did something to appease the upset guest.
trireme32: Also - the person who made the keys in the first place, obviously without making the room move in the system, would be in much hotter water.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1401473243 | 1401476780 | t3_26w5s2 | t5_2to41 | 9 | gotrektbytrolling: TIFU by trolling
Hello TIFU,
yesterday I had the biggest fuck up of my life. For a long time, my friends and I have been making troll accounts on reddit and harassing everyone we see, especially feminists, homosexuals, and african americans. We always would go to the library of our school at lunch and troll from there. We thought if we did it from the library they wouldnt be able to trace it back to us. Unfortunately for us the school has the program that allows and administrator to view/take control of any computer screen. Since, we had been trolling for so long we didn't think it would matter. However, yesterday the librarian happened to be looking at our screen form the administrator computer. She saw a message we were creating to send to a feminist. then, she took control of the computer, and clicked on our account. She saw all the stuff we had been doing. She took a bunch of screenshots and sent it to the administration and they contacted our parents.Needless to say, we got shafted in the anus. Three of us are seniors and there is a chance they might not be allowed to graduate. On one of the accounts, we threatened to do a school shooting, so the school is also threatening to get the police involved. Two of us have had all of our computer/phone usage taken away by our parents indefinitely.
If you are interested here are the troll acounts we used:
The ones the librarian and our parents saw:
/u/raw_butthole
Here are the two other accounts we have used, they are alot worse and have been banned, but here they are:
/u/fmch
/u/fuck_my_cock_hole
dotamen: Nobody? Fine
/r/thathappened
monty845: >Two of us have had all of our computer/phone usage taken away by our parents indefinitely.
Of course OP is the 3rd that didn't? Also, starting a thread linking your other troll accounts together, when in your story they only know about 1 account... Brilliant!
| 3 | 3 | |
1401473939 | 1401506987 | t3_26w6yt | t5_2to41 | 177 | fledfromme: TIFU by possibly ending a marriage
Met a guy a couple of months ago, we got involved and it was fantastic. The sex was perfect, and for someone like me, that's a rare thing. He was only in town for a few months, but at his insistence, we continued to be involved long-distance.
Some time after entering this phase of our relationship, I get a phone call from someone asking strange questions, saying he'd referred her to me as a potential roommate. I wasn't looking for a roommate, and I didn't give her any information regarding the nature of our relationship, because we were never official, and I didn't know who it was or why they were asking. After ending the call with an intent to call her back, I asked him if he'd given out my number. He told me no, and that it was "his *wife* freaking out."! For some reason, he assumed I would lie for him, even though he had told me they were long separated, and that the only reason the paperwork hadn't been finalized was because of his work schedule (he travels a lot...)
Turns out, they were happily married and this woman had NO IDEA that her husband had been sleeping with other women whenever he was away, much less continuing the relationship after returning. I still don't understand why he didn't just let things end when he left, like I wanted.
It took me about a day to wrap my head around the situation, and determine the right thing to do. In that time he BEGGED me not to say anything, and to please just let him "handle it" (of course). Told me how scared he was, how important she was to him, that his career would be in jeopardy too but that all he cared about was not losing her.
I know it seems obvious the right thing to do, but stepping in and wrecking a marriage when you were just someone on the periphery can feel so wrong somehow. I didn't feel it was my place at all, but she had sought me out, and I couldn't deal with having obscured the reality of the situation to protect him when he was doing her SUCH a wrong.
I really liked this guy, he was always sweet to me, respectful, and considerate. It's hard to explain, but we had a kind of...bond, and I can't help but feeling like I betrayed him. I texted her, inviting her to call me back when she was alone. She did. I confessed. Most awkward conversation of my life. "Did you have sex with my husband?" Never have I wished the earth would open up and swallow me more than I did at that moment. But I told her the truth.
She wound up texting me later, saying he was denying everything and that I was "crazy" and it "never happened", so she asked for proof. I had to go through our messages, pictures he'd sent me...after I thought the situation couldn't get any more painful. I didn't want to send them, didn't want to look at them or be reminded of or share those intimate moments, didn't want to be involved any more...but I know too well that feeling of not knowing WHAT to believe, and wanted her to know what was real.
I just can't explain the feeling like I was deeply betraying someone, but it still won't go away. When all was said and done, he just said "Why? why did you do this? please just tell me why"
My heart is broken in all kinds of places. If there's a lesson to be taken away from all this, it's this: to be "separated" (which, as it turns out, they were not) is not enough, papers need to be signed and at city hall before proceeding. Never again.
phunkydroid: I missed the part where you fucked up.
[deleted]: Yes, OP seems to not realize this, but the husband is not a good guy. He lied to OP, refused to take ownership, and made her feel guilty when she did the right thing. OP should realize that he wasn't such a great guy, and she did all of the right things here.
fledfromme: Thank you, it's helpful to hear this, just very difficult to internalize, somehow.
snickerpops: This guy actually sounds like a master manipulator.
He lies to you about his marriage, he lies to his wife about what you guys were doing, and obviously has other women on the side.
That he wanted to keep the relationship as a 'long distance thing' also makes me wonder if that was part of his pattern -- just keep a stable of women hanging around for him.
The really amazing thing is that this guy betrayed you by making you think he was in a relationship with you when really he was really committed to his wife, yet he makes you feel like you are betraying him for the simple act of telling the truth.
It all makes me wonder if he's not one of those narcissistic psychopathic guys who are incredibly charming but just play other people around them like puppets.
fledfromme: > It all makes me wonder if he's not one of those narcissistic psychopathic guys who are incredibly charming but just play other people around them like puppets.
Oh, he was. I'm very familiar with people of this type, and while they are dangerous, I was willing to take on that risk to myself, thinking that he couldn't do any real harm from thousands of miles away. We weren't in a "relationship", per say, it was more like...entertainment, with some emotional attachment on both parts on the side.
This is why I feel so guilty about having such a huge impact on his life. But what it was doing to another person, who clearly suspected something was up, but had no way to prove it without my coming clean? I would have accepted whatever blow-back to myself as a result of being involved with this kind of person (a sociopath, if I guessed correctly), but I never signed on to play a part in hurting someone else. That's where it crossed the line.
| 6 | 29.5 | |
1401474796 | 1401535693 | t3_26w8f6 | t5_2to41 | 135 | Erika216: TIFU by purchasing Reddit Gold
TIFU. Ok, so this was a few days ago, and my apologies if the formatting isn't quite right on this post.
A few days ago I submitted a progress pic and in the comments I complained about losing weight in my boobs and a redditor complimented my boobs.
I purchased the gift of gold for them because it totally made me smile. Yesterday I checked my bank account and realized that I had a loan payment in the amount of $470 coming out of the account today, the 30th. There was $468 in the account. If I hadn't purchased reddit gold for a titty compliment I wouldn't have had to drive literally 65 miles round trip to the nearest open bank to deposit $10 to keep the payment from overdrafting the account.
EDIT: THANK YOU FOR THE GOLD!!!! I hope your generous gift does not cause you the turmoil mine did :)
plarpco: So you keep cash laying around, but don't have a savings account to do an online transfer from?
Erika216: Yup. I literally have $4,500 in cash sitting in an R2D2 bucket. I just don't trust banks :-P I keep enough cash in there for my bills and some reddit gold. Ha.
plarpco: Interesting. Why don't you trust banks?
Erika216: I just feel like nothing is really stopping them from just closing up shop and keeping my cash. Everything just seems so damn corrupt anymore I'd rather have my cash where I know its safe.
plarpco: So you think an R2D2 bucket is a safer place for your cash than a bank?
Banks can't just close up and take your cash. As long as they are [FDIC insured](http://www.fdic.gov/deposit/deposits/) (almost all are) and you have less than $250,000 in them (my guess is you do), then your deposits are insured by the federal government.
If someone breaks into your house and steals your cash, you'll have nothing.
Edit: Hmm... maybe you are anti-goverment? Are you afraid Obama is going to take away your guns? If so, then just ignore me. Keep your cash in your R2D2 bucket.
AngloAmeriCanadian: [Some people would disagree]
(http://www.forbes.com/sites/steveforbes/2013/03/25/can-a-cyprus-like-seizure-of-your-money-happen-here/)
tl;dr just read this quote from the article: "The sobering truth is that there is no safe hiding place to stash your cash, gold or silver other than stuffing ’em under your mattress"
BobVosh: Too obvious, bury your gold like a pirate.
| 8 | 16.875 | |
1401473655 | 1401493610 | t3_26w6ga | t5_2to41 | 5 | StealthyOwl: TIFU by redditing on my phone in the shower
JJareau: Why the hell would you have thought using your phone in the shower was a good idea???
hybridman: Only place to rub one out some times lol
Ineedthisgrade: >Only place to rub one out Jul oKirk>Only place to rub one out some times lol
times lol
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1401476173 | 1401481043 | t3_26wakp | t5_2to41 | 7 | Born_through_the_ass: TIFU by trusting my new dealer
[deleted]: Ya, you were stupid. Especially by investing that much money in a unreliable, illegal source, so it's not like you'll get any help from the authorities.
Born_through_the_ass: Yep it was pretty damn stupid. But it was just too tempting.
[deleted]: Well, at least you learned your lesson.
Born_through_the_ass: Yep for sure! I'm actually quite "happy" that the money just got taken away and I wasn't beaten up by multiple people.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1401472024 | 1401581899 | t3_26w3sj | t5_2to41 | 48 | [deleted]: TIFU when I spilled scorching hot coffee on my penis
So I just got to work and made my usual cup of Donut Shop K-cup coffee. I had to piss really bad, so I decided to go empty out the duffel bags, with coffee in hand. So there I am, making lemonade in the urinal and sipping on my delicious coffee, when my phone started ringing in my pocket. I bit the edge of the cup, in order to hold up the coffee with my mouth and free up my hand to answer my phone. As I grabbed the phone, it slipped out of my hands and fell in the urinal. I tried to quickly grab the phone, but I ended up spilling the hot ass coffee all over my penis. I grabbed my junk and started screaming because I was sure I had 2nd degree burns by now. Then I remembered reading somewhere that pee is good for soothing a burn, so i started peeing on my own dick and just when that happened, my manager walked into the bathroom. So I had my pants down, was in the middle of peeing on myself, my phone was still in the urinal, and I had piss and coffee all over my dick, my pants, my shoes, the floor and in the urinal. He looks at me with disgust and asks "did you get my phone call?"
HopelessSemantic: As someone without a dick, I have to know - how is out possible for you to pee onto it?
crstalitez: I wondered the same thing... like do you just point upwards? Like a small fountain?
Krynique: Basically, yes.
| 4 | 12 | |
1401476820 | 1401490876 | t3_26wblk | t5_2to41 | 54 | nailpolishonpussygal: TIFU by splashing nail polish remover on my vagina. NSFW
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
So this did literally just happen. I work as a cam girl and I generally hang around my apartment naked until I shower after a show. I finished a show and decided to paint my toenails.
This is my first mistake. I don't wear makeup, I'm a natural kind of lady. The men online like feet though, and my boyfriend also has a foot fetish...so I decide fine, out of sheer boredom I'll paint the toenails black.
I decide to remain naked, why not, I'd be getting in the shower afterward?
So there I am, I have painted my toenails, but they do not look the best. I decide to take q-tips and dip them in the remover to clean up the excess polish around my nail.
And then it happens. In slow motion as I pull a q-tip back out of the long-necked bottle, the bottle is tipped toward me. To be honest, I was actually immediately worried about my eyes, so I closed them.
Then I felt it. It splashed all up in and around my vagina. So then I had to run to the shower and try to rinse it off, but without letting it enter me more.
This was not a pleasant experience. Nearly an hour later I have a sterile smelling vagina, decent looking toes, and a remorseful decision of painting toes naked. **PSA EVERYONE: DON'T PAIN YOUR TOENAILS NAKED.**
TL;DR I spilled nailpolish remover in and around my vagina, leaving a painful, burning sadness.
AtomicCow: I don't understand the foot fetish. To be fair though I hate feet.
corkentellis: And the feet liking people probably don't get your fetishes/preferences. Widen your angle a little.
AtomicCow: Woooow. I can't express opinions or thoughts on reddit anymore. Thanks thought police.
| 4 | 13.5 | |
1401475927 | 1401649939 | t3_26wa6c | t5_2to41 | 226 | DarbyG: TIFU by walking in on my freinds mom in the bathroom.
Well, it was a nice day and all and me and my buddy mike were just kickin it in his house. Anyways, i was getting ready to go and i had to piss. So me not really thinking, walk right in. my stomach flipped and i saw mikes mom taking a dump. It was like the seal meme level weird. But i got out asap and i heard his dad say knock before you go in. Now i feel i cant go back.
MarinaAquamarina: She should have had the door locked if she knew there was company in the house. Not your fault my friend!
cerbaroo: I don't agree. It's polite (and keeps scenarios like this one from happening) to always knock on the door before entering any room with a closed door, particularly the bathroom. Of course, in my house none of the interior doors lock, so this is definitely the rule.
iojt07: You know what else is polite and keeps this from happening? Locking the door.
cerbaroo: Not all houses have locks on their interior doors. Mine, for example.
iojt07: I do t know what country you are in but in Mercia almost all bathrooms have locks on the door.
cerbaroo: USA. Older house. Technically there were once working keyhole locks on the door, but they're painted over, keys long lost, etc.
corkentellis: That gotta result in some awkward family moments every now and then huh?
DownvotePeas: No, because they probably know enough to knock before entering a bathroom with the door closed.
| 9 | 25.111111 | |
1401480417 | 1401496126 | t3_26whln | t5_2to41 | 12 | Fumanshu: TIFU by getting pissed off in front of the vice principal of my school
Backstory:
I was given an assignment to work on along with the rest of my group of students. To keep things a little vague (because I'm afraid people I know will find out about it), let's just say it was manual lab work.
Unfortunately, we have also been assigned the worst supervisor of all the class. Old guy, very strict, hurtful in his comments, made people cry, and all that jazz. Since I'm on the verge of flunking this class, I decide to make it as perfect as possible, often re-doing it several times. I had to be very precise in my steps. At the time of the story, I was on my 10th try and on the brink of insanity.
Story:
So on that particular day I told myself that I will not leave the lab until I get it right. Skip to 12 hours of uninterrupted concentration with 0 breaks taken. I'm almost done. I can almost smell the pizza that my group and I ordered. I can finally sleep and relax without the completion of the assignment constantly on the back of my mind. I'm on my last step when BAM! I fuck something up. I break one of my tools and a piece got stuck in the thing I'm working on. It won't come out. I have to do it again. For the 11th time. The hand-in is next week. It's during the finals so I have a fuckload of other stuff to do. Fuck.
Now kind of like mixing different types of alcohol, a combination of exhaustion, panic, and frustration can and will strip the humanity out of a being. I went outside of the lab to cool off, but that wasn't enough. I really needed to vent and show everyone that the world has officially given up on me. I threw my cellphone as well as my lab coat against the wall. Little did I know that all this time I had my back to the vice principal of my school and she saw everything. I notice her after my hissy fit and freeze up. I'm gonna get expelled for sure. Goodbye career.
Luckily for me, she was very sweet and understanding about it and even asked if I needed her help. Had it been an important person that is less empathic than her, I would've been in deep shit and digging. The next day I went to her office, apologized, and thanked her for reacting the way she did the other day.
Tl;dr: Fucked up an assignement after a long day of working on it. Had to do it again for the 11th time. Got angry. Threw shit. Vice principal saw it. Could've been in deep shit. Didn't. Lucky bastard.
WPBDoc: I love people like her who work with students. A little humanity and compassion goes a long way with people. You'll always remember her.
Fumanshu: That is very true! She was in my very own shoes a number of years ago and I am glad that she still remembers how it was to be a student in a stressful environment like school during the finals.
| 3 | 4 | |
1401481473 | 1401496565 | t3_26wjec | t5_2to41 | 12,010 | [deleted]: TIFU by unknowingly sleeping with my new boss the day before I start my job [NSFW]
Pretty much what happened in the title. After finishing my masters degree and applying for 100+ jobs, I get my dream job with one of the biggest companies in my industry. The application process consisted of 5 interviews, so I was over the moon to get the offer. However, the job is in another city so I had to move.
I moved in on the Friday so I would have the weekend to explore the city, make my new apartment feel like home and generally settle in before my first day on Monday. On Saturday I get speaking to a girl in a cafe who invites me out drinking with her friends once I tell her I was new to town and didn't know anyone yet. So we arrange to meet at a bar at 9pm and go on clubbing from there.
By the time we get to the club I am pretty tipsy, bordering on drunk. We just caught the end of happy hour and 2 for 1 piña coladas went down a real treat for me. At the bar at the club I get talking to a man - he's older than me, late 30s id say (I'm 22), very cute looking with big blue eyes. He buys me a drink and compliments me, we dance close for the rest of the night, do some shots and when the club closes he tells me his place is too far to go, and could he crash at mine. Being drunk and since he had been a dream all night I said yes.
We got a 5 minute taxi ride back to my place and he was ripping my clothes off before we even got through the front door. He was very attentive - maybe older guys are like that? He made me orgasm before he penetrated me and it felt amazing. He came inside me (with a condom) and we fell asleep.
Ten morning was awkward - I don't have one night stands a lot so we exchanged numbers, said the niceties and he went on his way. I spent the rest of Sunday nursing my hangover and preparing my outfit and bag for my dream job.
And you guessed it.... When I checked in with the receptionist on my first day she said she would call my boss to come down. The minute the elevator door opened I could have cried. It was so awkward but neither of us have mentioned it yet. I found out over lunch he has a wife and a new baby.... I feel so dirty!!
Edit: Yes I am female. I started university at 17, did a 3 year bachelors and 1 year masters (UK system). The company I work for gives you a job offer then finds a place for you in the company, that's why I never met my boss during the interviews, also they were mostly HR interviews.
WolfyCat: Sheeeeit. Dat ending.
shinydragonite: Seriously. I was thinking "Oh, it's not that bad, she got some good sex and it might work out like a romantic comedy"... But the last sentence made this story a completely different beast.
cerbaroo: I know. It changes everything. It's not just awkward...he's going to resent her for knowing his secret. We know he's not a nice guy, he may try to find an excuse for firing her.
[deleted]: >he may try to find an excuse for firing her.
I offer OP six words for just such a situation:
**"You know, I might be pregnant."**
Edit: Loving the people who think this is an inappropriate way to deal with a **married, cheating boss who might fire her**. Less knee-jerk, more brain-work, people.
mrjaksauce: You better not be serious.
[deleted]: I'm as serious as the married man with a new baby who decided it was okay to go out and cheat with someone who turned out to be his new employee.
mrjaksauce: Yeah let's do that.
That guy is a prick! That means I can also be a prick! That's how shit works amirite?
[deleted]: If it means not losing your dream job because of someone else's infidelity? **Damn right that's how shit works.**
mrjaksauce: Yeah! It sure is! This guy cheated so now HE MUST BE PUNISHED BECAUSE HE'S A COMPLETE ASSHOLE SO BEING AN ASSHOLE BACK IS JUSTIFIED WOOOO!
[deleted]: So your "argument" is that, if he attempts to fire her, she should just cry, whimper, roll over and take it (again)?
And your justification is an incoherent sentence typed in capslock?
...Interesting.
mrjaksauce: No, I'm not even being serious. This is totally a private matter that's been given to reddit to have a piss on. Your opinion on this topic, and mine, are insignificant.
[deleted]: ...Duh?
**Of course** our opinions are insignificant. Did I at any point suggest otherwise?
OP knows her situation best, and OP will (I hope) handle things in the way that is best and most productive for her. I wouldn't wish anything else for her.
All we're doing here is pissing into the wind. Was that really ever in any doubt?
mrjaksauce: Well, no. But it did seem you were getting rather excitable about my blasé treatment of the situation, so I thought I'd reiterate it.
[deleted]: Pfft. This is the Internet; it means nothing.
| 15 | 800.666667 | |
1401482600 | 1401483038 | t3_26wl92 | t5_2to41 | 25 | Explosions_Hurt: TIFU by shaving my balls with the electric razor I got for my birthday.
Today I got a razor like [this](https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRx0P8dKC_7dTN3aoelbyJOPdryEcCZkdnvmxWcr0LgFo0FIhhH)
First thing I do with it? Some much needed landscaping!
Pubic area went great but as soon as the razor touched my balls I knew I had made a huge mistake as the swirling of tiny razor blades made miniscule incisions along my scrotum. It now hurts to walk and I'm scared the pain will never go away.
I also can take pictures of the injures I sustained.. if people are into that.
Blaine89: Fuck you got me in stitches man. I tried this once and it chewed the hair before I could let it make contact with my nutsack. Get the savlon out and keep them clean. Hopefully they wont scar lol!
Explosions_Hurt: We have sudocream, I really hope that helps ;_;
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1401482607 | 1401485997 | t3_26wl9o | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by drinking, taking a colinzipam, and smoking weed in the same night.
This was actually a week ago, my friend (JG) had just graduated, and we had to party to celebrate it, and we went to my other friend's (JB) (who happens to have 5 of his sisters living with him). My girlfriend sat with my friend (B) through the graduation while JB and I go to get the booze, which happened to be Bacardi 151 (75.5% alcohol). After we get the booze, we get back about 10 minutes after the ceremony had ended, and went back to JB's to begin the festivities, everybody took a shot, aside from JB's mother and his younger sisters, save for one, and began a gold game of Cards Against Humanity. The night was going smoothly, and we even went outside for a few bouts of drunken sparring (JB is my teacher, and he wanted to test me to see where I was). That was still great, then we got the idea to call his oldest sister to get some smoke, and my drunken mind thought I'd be okay to drive, but my girlfriend wouldn't let me, and I ended up tossing my keys at her (fuck up #1) we got into a small argument, but JB's sister mediated and helped us out. We were all having a good time again, and I thought it would be a great idea to playfully slap my girlfriend in the face, because we do that sometimes, but I kept on and on, to the point where she threatens to kick my ass and dump me on the spot, so I apologize all teary eyed because I realized I fucked up again. Anyway, I end up letting JB's older sister drive my car to get it, and we got some smoke and all was good, then I remembered that my girlfriend were supposed to go stay at my grandmother's for the night, so I gave the smoke to JB, and tried to sober up, but soon realized that wasn't happening any time soon, as I was already two shots of Bacardi deep, so I called her and asked to stay at JB's. She acquiesced to my request, and I took a colinzipam to keep the party going, since my girlfriend took one, but she took hers for anxiety, because she sometimes freaks out when she smokes, and she wanted to take a preemptive strike. This is where it goes downhill, we were singing and I got the brilliant idea to take another shot, and everybody does, aside from JB, who had went to his older sister's house to smoke, and that's where I blacked out, I lost 4 hours of my memory, but apparently I hugged the toilet, streaked, busted my knee while running outside and dropping my pants at the same time, lost my glasses, and cried like a bitch because I wanted my girlfriend there while I was hugging the toilet, but she didn't want to be in the bathroom, so they got a trash can, put it in front of the couch, and I just spit a few times, laid back on the couch, and passed out whole trying to get everybody to take another shot .
TL;DR: Drank way too much, took a pill, and got really high, and almost ruined my relationship in the process
Rosenmyah: Clonazepam*
Maybe you should research drugs (or at least learn how to spell them properly) before combining them with other substances. Btw you sound like a group of people who would probably be better of not getting intoxicated at all.
Teotwawki69: And definitely not reproducing as much. Did anyone else read that as his friend actually has more than five sisters? (And I wonder how many different baby daddies were involved in that process.)
Rosenmyah: The whole post kind of gave me a headache. Where was the fuck up? The whole night seemed like a fuck up.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1401484264 | 1401487184 | t3_26wo1p | t5_2to41 | 57 | Commmett: TIFU by dating a cripple
Before you think I'm a complete asshole for thinking dating somebody who was handicapped was bad, please read.
Some background info: I went to a tech school where there is a limited amount of women. It's a 5:1 boy-girl ratio and a total of 120ish students. So, not many girls. To fix this situation of trying to meet girls, I went on a website called Meetme.
The story: So, I met this girl on this site, let's call her Sarah (to hide her real name). I talked to Sarah for a few months, got to know her pretty well. We Skyped from time to time. She played WoW and had pretty good taste in music. It was great, really. At this time, I was 16 years old. So, I decided I liked her and asked her to be my girlfriend. She said yes, it was all good. What I didn't do, was go on a date beforehand. So, I scheduled a date at my place for the next week and so it was.
The day before she had mentioned something that was weird, something like "Well, I'll have my brother pick me up because my chair is pretty heavy." And then it clicked. She had said things like "I ride my chair everywhere!" And "You'll have to carry me!" I thought she was just being silly. But then it clicked, she was in a wheelchair. I didn't think much of it, it was an obstacle, but I really liked her.
So, she came over the next day, and when she was almost there I went outside to meet her and she was riding her electric wheelchair down the street. I realized she was paralyzed waist down and would never be able to walk again. Which still didn't bother me much. But, she hardly looked like what I thought she did. I wasn't very attracted to her.
We got to my door, which has steps going up to it (great). So I asked "How should we go about this?" And she just said "I don't know" so I picked her up, took her inside and set her on my couch. I asked what should we do about her chair and she said to leave it there (right in front of my door). So I went out there, grabbed her things, and brought them in. We started watching "Breakfast Club" because it's her favorite movie.
I sat on the other side of the couch because I was kind of nervous, just not knowing her very well and I didn't know how to maneuver around her. She said "Why are you way over there? Come over here." And so I scooted closer and she still wanted me closer. I got closer and then we started holding hands, her hands were absolutely freezing and I felt kind of bad. So I tried comforting her and then it hit me.
This awful stentch coming out of her mouth. I could 't believe this horidness. It smelled like rotten-eggs and ass. I tried to put up with it while trying to keep my stomach acids down. We just stayed that way for about 3/4 or the whole movie. Don't quite remember. But she wanted to kiss, and being the nice guy that I am. I went for it.
The kiss was like taking a bite out of a salt rock. Her saliva was pure sodium and just about ruined all of my resistance to throw up. This sodium saliva stung in my mouth for what felt like 15 minutes but what was probably 15 seconds. But I felt terrible for her, because she has weak arms along with her paralysis and is probably incapable of brushing her teeth. So, I kissed her several more times. We ended watching another movie which was what gave me the time (which I wish I didn't have).
In the end, she needed to go home and she was planning on taking the public bus. We went to the end of my street where therw was a stop (actually several) and I asked her which one. She said "I don't know" and I almost lost it. About 25 degrees out, she's ice cold, I'm frusturated (it's the last stop of the night and there were like 5 stops between each side of the street) and sure enough, she missed the bus. So we head back to my place and have to ask my Dad to give her a ride home.
This is the best part, her wheelchair is pretty big and so we (my Dad and I) had to take our big old suburban. I picked her up, put her in the front passenger seat and then spend 5-10 minutes figuring out how to unlock it's brakes. It took my Dad, his fiance and I all to lift this wheelchair that weighed at least 400 pounds into the truck and it didn't fit. So, we ratchet strapped the thing halfway in and the doors of the truck behind it.
My Dad drove us to her house and dropped her off. I gave her a hug (I just could NOT kiss her again) and said goodbye. The horrible and awkward date ended and the relationship a week later.
Couple months later she finds my friend on Instagram and tried talking to him (said she found him through a friend's Instagram which was obviously mine), he knew the story behind her and walked away quickly.
TL:DR, I had a date with a girl I met online, she was apparently handicapped, it was awkward, I had to suffer through a kiss with a possibly lifetime of unbrushed mouth and the date required an awfully difficult and weird trip home.
deadlee_: what if she had to go the bathroom at your place?
Commmett: I would have been truly devastated.
deadlee_: I fucked a deaf girl once. she was cute though. she made the same grunting noises during sex that she always made, so I didn't know if she was talking dirty to me or responding to my boner.
Commmett: Was it good?
deadlee_: yeah. you should go over to the wheelchair girls place and let her blow you.
Skyline969: Before or after whacking her in the shins with a stick/golf club/etc?
| 7 | 8.142857 | |
1401484826 | 1401572743 | t3_26woxx | t5_2to41 | 248 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating too much (nsfw)
Using my porn account because its applicable
For background I am a 18 year old guy
So I am taking these online classes, and I procrastinated on them a lot so now I have to spend some nights throwing down adderall and cramming a lot of work into a small period of time. You know, catch up. Last night I took too much adderall and found myself wide awake and full of energy, with no more immediate homework to finish. I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep, so I figured I'd masturbate. It was early evening and I had plenty of time, so I decided would edge a lot and make the experience last. Let the record show it is now 9 pm.
For the first hour or so its great. Beating away watching lesbians massage each other, college dorm amateurs, you know. Regular stuff. And I'm feeling pretty good. I'm at that like, high point of masturbation. When you know you can finish whenever you want but you can also prolong for a bigger orgasm. Masturbation Nirvana.
So after a while of Nirvana I look at the clock and see it's around 11 and I think about finishing. But I know that even if I finish I'm not going to be able to sleep cause of the adderall, and I don't really have any homework to work on until I get something from my professor, so I figure I'll stick it out a while longer. It's late and I don't have anything better to do.
1 hour later
So it's 12 and I'm starting to get tired. 3 hour erection at this point, edging the whole time. I figure its time to get this shit done and go to bed. So I find a nice video to finish to, and pick up the pace. This is where I begin to realize my mistake. After wrestling with the one eyed trouser snake for three solid hours, keeping my self in a constant state of almost orgasm, there is a problem. I had overestimated the amount of time one could stay in Masturbation Nirvana without suffering consequences.
As I increase my tempo my once glorious meat saber starts to ache. Masturbation Nirvana has given way to Masturbation Misery. The closer I get to orgasm, the more it hurts. I try to push past the pain but eventually I am overcome. My erection starts to wane. The saber now looks more like a soggy banana.
Now this is where I should have stopped. I got greedy. I needed to accept that I made an error and be more mindful the next time. But I didn't. I figured, I just had to look at something a little dirtier to get my erection back, and avoid the areas on my mini-me that got chafed.
At 1 am I am masturbating to bondage. 2 am is deepthroating. 3 is painal. Every time I go deeper I get a temporary boost to my lower posture, but every time I use that boost to pick up the tempo the pain increases. But I keep descending, at this point I can't stop. Either it goes or I do. I have to continue. I am in the Masturbation Abyss.
By 4 am I can't even hold an erection, and my flesh tower feels like it's covered in spikes. I can barely touch it. But the show must go on.
At 6, through heroic effort, some very careful handling, and porn that would make even the most ancient of internet lurkers clear their browser history, I manage to shoot with my flag at half-mast. Wearily, I wipe myself and go to sleep for the few hours I have left before I have to get up.
Fast forward 5 hours to 11 am. I get up and immediately notice some discomfort just from rubbing against my pajama bottoms. I don't pay it that much mind and get in the shower. The millisecond the water touches my injured member I feel extreme pain. Choosing to examine the problem I notice that it is covered in scabs, and is both inflamed and swollen. I get out and put on some jeans, and the rubbing sensation that happens every time I take a step is almost too much to handle. No masturbation for me for at least 3 days, and as little walking as possible too.
Total masturbation time: 9 hours.
**TLDR: flew too close to the sun**
jaycrypted: > No masturbation for me for at least 3 days
Dude, no way. At least a week.
And am I the only one here who takes only 5 minutes of my time to do such proceedings?
thatlazydude: Yes.
LazyDude123: You can't lie to me.
thatlazydude: I would never lie to you, sensei.
LazyDude123: May laziness be with you. Always.
lazybum234: Hey guys... Are we still cool?
thatlazydude: I dunno. After that whole incident in '99, I can't really look at you the same.
| 8 | 31 | |
1401481489 | 1401514567 | t3_26wjfe | t5_2to41 | 15 | cantseemymistakes: TIFU by assuming 100cm = 39" without checking for accuracy.
This happened a few years ago when I got a new job for a fabric company that primarily manufactured made-to-measure curtains but was branching into made-to-measure blinds.
We got our customer's measurements from outworkers who would visit customer's houses and often supply dimensions in inches. For quickness (and the fact that I was an inexperienced minimum wage 18 year old) I would always use the conversion 1m = 39" to calculate fabric quantities. This isn't a problem when manufacturing drapes as we used our own factory to make them and the workers would happily work with metric or imperial.
Well, when we branched out into blinds we subcontracted the manufacture to a factory in the middle east who only accepted measurements in millimeters. Not a problem... 39" = 1000mm right?
Lead time was 14 days which meant I had requested 14 days worth of blinds with inaccurate dimensions. The mistake cost us a huge chunk of cash flow and reputation as very few were salvageable, furthermore my boss would only blame himself for letting me deal with the entire mtm blind department without checking my work.
I felt incredibly stupid for making such a ridiculous mistake when my entire career was based on the fact that, although I was by far the youngest member of staff, I was very quick in picking up detail and was already in charge of several departments.
Wawrinka: Damn so blinds that are off by 1 inch can't be used anymore?
bringbackthepuffin: If cut too small, it leaves a noticeable gap on either side of the blinds where blocking light isn't happening with a product meant to block light.
Or, if cut too large, the little amount needed to be cut off is too small to be cut by machines.
Da_Porta: That's interesting. I had a blackout shade installed in my room. I thought "yay, I'll finally be able to sleep without getting bathed in light!" The dimensions were off by two fucking inches. There is a light across the street that constantly shines into my eyes.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1401484979 | 1401576013 | t3_26wp6n | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by having my first fight with my 23 year old sister
Im 16 and I have not had a fight with my sister for ages. She is a very ignorant and unpleasant person overall and our family has tried to get along with her since her childhood. So today she came home after meeting up with her friends and like always the minute she enters through the door she is already shouting and already is having a one sided argument with my mother. I do want to note the fact that everyone in our family is noble and calm and she is basically the odd one out. So cutting to the event which happend after literally 10 mins she came home: she stopped arguing with my mother and straight moved on to me and started to badmouth me while i was absent in that room and then moved on to talking about my exams which im doing right now and wishing that I'd failed them. So yeah... I'm a kinda person who flips really easily and as you'd have guessed I just flipped, took my very heavy school bag and threw it right in her face...twice. She started panicking because didnt belive that i could do something like that to her. She obviously got furious and angry and at this point my mother came into the room as I was leaving and everything went to shit. My father is home aswell now and is backing me up while he is arguing with my mother over who was right and who was wrong and everything has gone to shit in our family now... I really fucked up the whole family as everyone used to be happy and now everyone is just arguing from time to time and i really care about my family except my sister...
Edit: thanks guys, you guys really did change my point of view... i guess i saw the fault in myself as i thought her behaviour was normal...And also, im a boy
jaberwocky69: Whenever I hear that one family member has anger, attitude, etc. but everyone else in the family is so gentle, wise, caring, blah blah blah always raises a redflag for me.
SHITS_HEAVY_BRO: Ever heard of anxiety disorders? They're more common than you would think.
jaberwocky69: I have been told that I have generalized anxiety disorder. My mom portrays herself as someone who can do no wrong.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1401489386 | 1401500151 | t3_26ww2t | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by not disposing of drugs / growing gear / other crap
So. Graduating Uni student, mum came up today and is staying in a nearby hotel. Coming across 6am to help me move out..
Having been a lazy / drunken bastard for the last two weeks I am now left with grow lights, soil, nutrients, a little of several substances (on the plus side i found 10 blotters I didn't even know I had), a bong thats half as tall as I am, a bucket worth of condoms and lube (left over from a prank at my expense) and god knows what else. Its almost midnight and we are out of bin liners...
Ideas? I am literally considering trying to claim I grow tomatoes...
Fryes: So..hide it somewhere..
cbzoiav: The point is I am moving out of the flat (hes here til monday)... Everything has to go :/ My only option is my flatmates room and he's asleep / won't be up in time.
Leaves being an asshole and waking him up, or having him wake up surrounded by all my shite.
| 3 | 0.666667 |
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