start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1401491657 | 1401494657 | t3_26wzj3 | t5_2to41 | 36 | misterdylicious: TIFU by drinking an entire glass of hydrogen peroxide
This actually happened about 15 years ago or so when I was 6-7.
To preface: my mother was always in the habit of soaking the family toothbrushes in hydrogen peroxide to clean them. This happened every once in a while, and it just so happened to be the cause of my FU. (She was also a very health-conscious mother in general, which I'll get to more in a bit.)
So one day, 6-7 year-old me is sitting there in the living room playing N64, enjoying my blissful youth. My mom brings in a glass of water for me to drink (remember, health conscious), and tells me to finish it all. She leaves the room and I go back to Donkey Kong 64 (am I right?). Probably 45 minutes go by and it's time to finally get around to finishing that water and taking a bathroom break. So I head to the bathroom, water in hand. It happened to be a paper cup so I finished it in the bathroom and threw it away in there. Little did I even notice, mom had an identical cup of H2o2 (Hydrogen Peroxide) chilling on the bathroom counter for toothbrush cleaning purposes (now it's coming full-circle). I exit the bathroom and proceed with the aforementioned gaming, and 10 minutes later she comes in with a glass of "water". She says, "I saw you bring your water into the bathroom, looks like you didn't finish it. Here drink it!" I'm baffled because I totally drank the damn water, what did she want from me?! I tried explaining that I had in fact drank the water, but to no avail. So instead of arguing my case, I just guzzle the thing down right there on the spot. On the last swallow I realize this water has a taste to it...
"Mom...that wasn't water..."
What ensued makes me laugh to this day but at the time it was the most traumatizing experience probably in my entire childhood. My mother immediately realized she just made me drink a glass of freaking hydrogen peroxide. So she's now totally panicking and flailing about telling me I need to make myself gag and throw up so I don't die. It literally went, "DO YOU WANT TO LIVE OR DO YOU WANT TO DIE?! YOU NEED TO MAKE YOURSELF THROW UP!! GAG YOURSELF!!!" It sounds super weird as I'm retelling this, but I swear she was just scared for my life (and scaring the shit out of me in the process). I'm bawling at this point because not only do I not want to die, I absolutely HATED throwing up. Death was almost an easier alternative. I was petrified. Catch 22 right? Mom frantically calls poison control and they advise her to NOT induce vomiting but let it work itself out of my system, and I would be fine. Needless to say, my little body did indeed expel the substance violently over the next few hours and I felt pretty miserable the rest of the day. But I was okay in the end.
To this day, I'm still scared out of my mind to use hydrogen peroxide for even practical purposes. Thanks ma.
tl;dr tried to obey my mother, came to grips with death.
FeetOnYourCouch: ELI5: Why does one not want to up-chuck H2o2?
Also...details on what/how it happened/expelled itself?
misterdylicious: I have no idea actually, they just suggested avoiding self-induced vomiting. But my body automatically took care of that for me multiple times that evening. Yum yum!
yosemitesamite: Generally speaking, They say not to induce vomiting for things that will burn your esophagus on the way back up. The stomach has mucus lining that will do a better job protecting you from what you swallowed, and give medics time to pump it out of you.
You probably drank some very diluted peroxide, which isn't all that dangerous. They actually advise giving dilute peroxide to animals that swallow something toxic in order to induce vomiting.
| 4 | 9 | |
1401491821 | 1401575843 | t3_26wzqv | t5_2to41 | 10 | TheLegitMidget: TIFU: Not taking a a shit in a few days and eating one taco from Moe's Southwest Grill.
This happened last year 4th of July. There was a huge firework show in Sandhills which is a huge mall place in South Carolina. There were thousands of people there. I was hungry so I bought a simple taco and got some tortilla chips with it. A while after I ate this taco I felt a small stomach ache during the firework show but I ignored it. Later right before the firework show is over it hits me. It's around 9:30 and no places are open. I look at my mom with the most scared face in my life and said "Mom I need to go to the bathroom NOW" She said there is nothing open and I just said Great. This is like my biggest fear. Having to take a massive shit in a public restroom. Better yet to make this whole thing better we live 20 minutes away and there's thousands of cars here in traffic in a small area. We are sitting in traffic for a good 45 Minutes. During this 45 minutes I kept looking around it was pitch black out and I was debating weather or not to just go into the grass bedsides the road and let it rip but i had nothing to wipe with. At this time it feels like there is a sword inside my stomach spinning around. I can feel this juice just dripping out of my asshole. About one and a half hours after being in traffic we finally make a break for it and we get to a Mobile gas station with a burger king linked with it. Mobil was closed but burger king was open. I waddled into the bathroom hoping i did not shit my pants. right when i pull my pants down it all comes out. Like a speeding projectile. Felt like a good 300PSI pressure blast out the ass. i never even got to sit down. I shit all over the toilet. All over the wall and ground. After i opened my eyes i turned around and saw the disaster. I felt so bad i wiped my ass and left. I feel sorry for who had to clean it up.
TL;DR ATE A TINY ASS TACO AND GAVE ME MASSIVE STOMACH ACHE AND SHIT ALL OVER THE TOILET AFTER WAITING AN HOUR AND A HALF TO SHIT.
Securitybob: How can some food make people explode like this? I can eat dirt encrusted mres and still poop like a champ.
animaAuspex: I guess it takes a certain kind of person. I can literally eat indian/mexican/spicy food for days, without a single shit-tastophe.
Securitybob: Only once in my life did I ever murdered the toilet and I have no idea what I ate
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1401497620 | 1402358872 | t3_26x7jd | t5_2to41 | 4 | the_detroit_irishman: TIFU by throwing a shit nugget at someone in the bathroom in Kindergarten
Okay, when I was five, I... Well, let's start from the beginning. It was Kindergarten, and it was bathroom break time. See, there were bathroom captains, and the one for the day this happened wasn't smart. He was incredibly stupid. There was also a gap next to the stall wall and a window. Why a window was situated inside a stall, I'll never know. There was just a stall wall and a gap in between that and the window so people could somehow look in. Anyway, I had a bad lunch, which was amazingly PB&J Uncrustables. Delicious, but deadly. So I, naturally, needed to drop one. Bad. I went in the ever-infamous window stall, sat down, and began to shit. When I was done, the bathroom captain looked through the gap between the window and wall, I panicked, and somehow reached down into the bowl within five seconds, plucked a small nugget out of the water, and hucked it at him. It hit him in the face. A teacher literally had to help him clean my shit off his face. It was not my proudest moment.
1337Meep: I started to fucking die when you said "small nugget out of the water".
the_detroit_irishman: Whoops, didn't get on for 9 days. Silly me. Thanks for laughing at my pain, man. Love you!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1401499384 | 1401540709 | t3_26x9uy | t5_2to41 | 20 | dalthughes: TIFU by getting scammed by a person on the street
So today I got off my internship downtown and went to Taco Bell. I got back in my car and some guy came crying over to me saying to please hear him out. Being raised compassionate, I listened to his story but kept up my guard. He pointed down the street and said that his car had broken down with his wife and he took his little girl to the hospital nearby. I usually would never fall for this but this guy seemed very distressed and was very well dressed. So I drove down to wear his car was and he said he needed money for the mechanic to come that was his main problem, not a jump like I assumed. He needed $37, which seemed specific and true. I said id be back and drove to an ATM a block away and came back, and before I gave him the money he have me his insurance paper as collateral cause he promised to pay me back one day, he got my number too. This made me really trust him so I gave him $40 and told him to call me to pay me back in a public place, he insisted.
The whole time he was very apologetic and looked serious. But it's been a few hours after he said he'd call me, and I look at the registration and it looks fake, not the same name he gave me at least. I'm almost positive I got scammed. This has never happened to me so I'm just so annoyed. $40 isn't that much in the long run but dang it short term it really hurts as a college student.
Anyone else been duped when you always thought you wouldn't be?
[deleted]: We all go through this. One time I was filling up at a petrol station and woman came up to me giving me a sob story and asked for money for petrol. I gave her £20 and then she whined that she needed more. I growled at her and said I still needed to pay for my own fuel and she backed off.
I kinda knew it was a scam but just in case she was in the dire straits she claimed I parted with the £20. Won't again though. Since that was when I was working and could afford it. Since I've been looking for work for a long while, it's made me far more frugal.
CochinBrahmaLover: Are you a dog?
[deleted]: No... weird question.
CochinBrahmaLover: Well you said you growled at her...
I don't know many people who growl...
[deleted]: I do, we obviously don't operate in the same circles.
| 6 | 3.333333 | |
1401503826 | 1401511695 | t3_26xfhq | t5_2to41 | 37 | Benjammin2113: TIFU by taking my BMW to the BMW dealership for service.
My battery was on the verge of death and I needed an oil change. I knew it was going to be expensive but holy shit! For the general servicing and everything the estimate was 850 dollars. Ok. Fine. Whatever. Then I get the call. "Sir, you need new tires, you have oil leaks, you need to replace this valve, this cover, Ect.. and the battery. Your new estimate is around $6000". HOLD UP! Don't do any of that. Just do what we originally planned. $1200 later I have my BMW back. Lesson learned from today is find a garage that works on foreign cars, and tell the dealership to take a hike.
konaborne: european car dealerships buttfuck you with razor sandpaper for services
Benjammin2113: I am in Hawaii. It was $130/hr for labor
konaborne: I'm in Hawaii too. Big island BMW charged my parents $500 for a fucking oil change
Benjammin2113: Out of control. I'm trading this fucker in. Haha
| 5 | 7.4 | |
1401506078 | 1401516565 | t3_26xi9s | t5_2to41 | 23 | ThreeLF: TIFU by backing into my house
I just discovered this subreddit and I could use a place to vent. So my Dad left for Vegas this morning and I have a very thin and curvy driveway. When I left for work, can you guess what happens? I'm backing up how I always do, and suddenly BOOM...I've stopped. Long story short, the back of my car is wrecked and the lining on the house is torn off so now I have to figure out a way to keep my house from rotting while the wood base is exposed and my dad is out of state...thanks for listening.
IFartWhenICry: Call your dad, let him know what's up. Trust me, if he needs to save money in vegas to fix this shit, he will appreciate it later.
RecklessBacon: And try to get a job to help pay back the cost of the damage. In a few years, this'll simply be a funny story.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1401501647 | 1401597012 | t3_26xcqp | t5_2to41 | 9 | camerinj: TIFU by losing my grip on my kayak while unloading.
Went to unload my kayak for the first time this season. Don't remember what exactly happened, it slid into my face. Shattered two teeth to where there's pieces hanging. Moved another. Can't afford to even have them extracted. Today I fucked up. Bad.
krrc: Oh man I'm waiting for the day I do this. 70 pound yak on a vertical roof mount. Either my face or my window
camerinj: Yeah, after looking my model up, it's between 57-62 lbs. Sleep hasn't happened yet, and the pain meds are taking just the edge off. Hell, I'm still bleeding and it's been almost 12 hours. [Picture](http://i.imgur.com/jWdGKVB.jpg)
krrc: Oh damn, that exposed tooth can't feel good. Looks like a brutal hit. Can anything be done at a standard doctor under just making that shit not hurt?
camerinj: Er took one look at me yesterday and told me there was nothing they could do. Hell, they couldn't even find a dentist. I ended up getting a hold of the dentist I use for my kids on the first try from my phone. He gave me a script for pain meds and antibiotics.
krrc: Least it's a start :/ can't work out some sort of pay plan to at least pull them? Although I guess it's only been 12 hours so probably haven't had the chance to discuss with the dentist. Wish you luck.
camerinj: Thanks to the pain meds I was able to pull out three more parts of two shattered teeth. Feels so much better and I can shut my mouth easier.
| 7 | 1.285714 | |
1401504823 | 1401514781 | t3_26xgs6 | t5_2to41 | 4 | octopusghost: TIFU my Econ test
Today I had a test on the 2008 financial crisis. The last part was a four page essay. About 45min after finishing the test, I was talking to someone else when I realized that in every single place I had intended to write "CDO" (collateralized debt obligation) I instead wrote "credit default swap." Fuck.
sherestoredmyfaith: Was it a final?
octopusghost: Yes :(
I emailed my teacher and told him about the error half an hour later. I hope it doesn't hurt my grade too much.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1401514841 | 1401654022 | t3_26xs2o | t5_2to41 | 91 | Magoonie: TIFU by watching wrestling while going down on girlfriend! (NSFW)
So this happened a few years ago with my (now) ex-girlfriend. I've been a wrestling fan since I was six. The night this all happened was when The Rock was returning to WWE on RAW.
I'm in the bedroom watching RAW awaiting the big return of The Rock, it was a big deal at the time to us wrestling fans. My girlfriend was in the living room finishing up a report she had due. Towards the end of RAW she comes into the bedroom and tells me she's done for the night and starts kissing my neck, rubbing my chest and all around letting me know she's in the mood.
Now idiot me actually starts looking at what time it is and seeing if I have time for a quicky before The Rock comes out (I know, I know). I decide, yes I do have time. So we start getting into it and clothes start to come off. She let's me know she wants me to go down on her which I am more than happy to do.
I have all but forgotten about the wrestling still on the TV at this point. I'm rubbing and kissing her thighs when I hear "If you smeeeelllll" (the start of The Rocks entrance music). I am now aware of the TV again. I keep going with what I'm doing and go in. She's enjoying it.
Then I sneak a quick glance at the TV, a fraction of a second. I'm still doing my thing though. Then a half a second glance. Still going good. Then a whole second. This goes on for a little bit. Then I pay attention to what The Rock is saying a bit too long as well as slowing my tounge and fingers down. All of a sudden I hear "what the fuck". I try to go back to full speed and not looking at the TV acting like nothing happened. That didn't work.
She flys up off the bed asking "what the hell were you doing? Watching wrestling? Why don't you just have The Rock fuck you" and storms out of the bedroom before I can say anything. I follow her out into the living room telling her I'm sorry over and over. Then me being a genius say "I'm sorry, it's just The Rock coming back is a big deal". That's right, make it worse.
She yells about it a little and I continue to say I'm sorry. After a short amount of time though we are laughing about it and joking about it. We go back into the bedroom where I turn off the TV right away. She asks me "do you want me to put on some wrestling to get you in the mood". I had to eat a lot of pussy to make up for what happened. It actually became a running joke in the rest of the relathionship.
TL;DR: Went down on girlfriend while trying to watch The Rocks return to the WWE at the same time. Didn't go well.
Idiotic_Person: It sounds to me as if she was overreacting...
DomCaboose: Agreed. Even though your username says you are an idiot, you are completely correct here.
14novakj: Came here to say it as well.
Fun side story, my girlfriend tends to turn the TV on as background noise in general, and it usually stays on if things start to get heated... I can honestly say that I have watched hockey, baseball, NCIS among others in an attempt to take my mind off of the activities at hand a bit in order to take longer to finish, making it better for the both of us. You didn't fuck up, bro.
DomCaboose: Exactly. I know we pretty much always have a tv on for background noise when it comes to the bedroom, whether things get heated or if we are just relaxing.
The funny thing is that when we were dating, we would watch Red vs Blue and for some reason it always ended in sex ten minutes into any DVD.
g0ldbar: Haha, my get laid movie was avatar. My ex and I would watch it all the time then we would get bored of it and start screwing around. My former roommates knew to leave me alone if they heard that movie.
DomCaboose: That's an interesting one. Avatar is one to get bored of easily. I was not a huge fan of it like so many other people I knew. It didn't blow my mind, but that is good that your roommates caught on.
g0ldbar: They could typically hear her about 10 min into the movie, we both had a high drive and with as long as the movie is we would have multiple sessions. As soon as they heard the beginning of the movie they would either go out to eat, to a movie, or crank their tv. I felt bad after I realised what was going on. But a man has his needs... Haha
DomCaboose: Haha, always good to go for the multiple sessions during one movie. That was always fun. It was so worth it and I never cared if people knew what we were doing. My wife (girlfriend at that time) is ALWAYS really LOUD during our sessions, so in a dorm, it was fairly obvious what we were doing.
| 9 | 10.111111 | |
1401517625 | 1401523759 | t3_26xuk2 | t5_2to41 | 2 | Ghost17088: TIFU while removing my car from storage.
So this happened a few days ago. It was Friday, the weather was going to be beautiful, and my car was ready for an open top cruise, first one of the year. As I was rolling it out of the garage it got away from me.
http://imgur.com/a/CjBL9
No driving for me on my beautiful holiday weekend. $60 and 4 days later I have a new mirror, but it still sucks. And the jokes from my brother and dad will never end either.
donaldtrumpwinning: what kind of car? only 60 bucks! I'm gonna assume you fixed it yourself and just payed for the part?
Ghost17088: Toyota Supra, and yeah, I bought a pair from a guy who was parting one out. Same color too, lol. I've been building this car for over 5 years.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1401518442 | 1401522026 | t3_26xv9s | t5_2to41 | 6 | DeviledAdvocat: TIFU by eating a whole tube of cookie dough
I have always been an compulsive eater...my "drug" of choice is usually ice cream which is usually fine because I can just buy a pint and limit it to that. Unfortunately today I chose cookie dough which comes in a tube and is much more filling than ice cream. I couldn't stop eating it and i devoured the whole thing in under an hour. This was about three hours ago and now I'm awake at 2:30 in the morning just chilling on my bathroom floor waiting for the raging war in my stomach to erupt out of either end.
[deleted]: If you didn't have intestinal worms before, you do now!
DeviledAdvocat: Seriously....I feel so gross right now
[deleted]: I'd say with that amount of sugar, you'd better not expect any sleep tonight....
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1401519239 | 1401584375 | t3_26xvv6 | t5_2to41 | 282 | [deleted]: [nsfw] TIFU by going on Chatroulette
Okay so I'm going to try to summarize what just happened to me but it's 2:30 am and I'm still baffled. I apologize for the bad grammar I'm about to produce.
So it's a Friday night and I just got done watching the end of the basketball game when I decide to go on Chatroulette. Never been on it before, figured I would try it. I make an account and set my little picture. Start it up. It only takes 4 or 5 creepy guys until I get to my first girl. No webcam just pictures. We start chatting and all a sudden she asked me to download Skype. So I said, "uhm why?" She said she wanted to talk on there because it was easier. So I told her I had it installed on my XBox One and we added eachother. She then messages me, "are you down for anything?" I thought there is no way in hell this is real. She called me and we were talking and she started taking off her clothes and started playing with herself. I'm just like WTF lol. She asked me to take off my shorts. So I did. And that's where I fucked up..
She was pretty damn hot and was playing with herself and I'm a 19 year old male so I'm thinking..hell yeah. So I get turned on and start touching myself. I'm getting into it. All a sudden the screen goes black. Next thing you know it comes up a recording of me doing such activities. I get a message saying if I don't go to some website and send her 300 dollars she will send that video to all my Facebook friends. (No idea how she found me. Probably just searched my name) I was in panic mode and she showed her screen on the Skype call and she had my entire friends list on it. I hurried grabbed my phone removed all my friends one by one and deactivated my account. I pretended like I was sending her money as I did it. After I fake sent the money I told her to delete the videos for the confirmation code. (There wasn't one lol) she got pissed and started sending the video to my family.. (Her screen was up and I watched her send it to my mom) And finally I talked her into deleting the videos. But... She still kept a picture of my holding my dick in my hand. Finally I kept milking it telling her I would send her the code after it was gone. She showed me her screen with the picture and she sent it to like 10 of my friends. Finally I realized my life is pretty much over and just hung up the call. I wasn't about to send money to someone who was just going to send the picture anyway.
After that I walked downstairs to my moms computer and checked her account and my little sisters phone and neither of them got a message even though I watched her send a message to both of them on the Skype call. So I have no idea what's going on. Pretty much screwed at this point I think. Friends family former teachers and just everyone on my friends list is about to get a picture of me and my dick.
TL;DR got on Chatroulette, convinced to jerk off on Skype, recorded and blackmailed. Now all my Facebook friends and family have a picture of me and my dick because I didn't pay 300$
cecikierk: [This idiot paid](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/21hp6f/tifu_by_showing_my_dick_on_chatroulette/).
higlez: Holy shit. The world could see my dick before I payed 630$
dannyb21892: Now I'm curious. What's the highest dollar amount you'd have been willing to pay to keep your dick from the world?
AngelOfDoom: For me, $0. I'd just claim an extortionist photoshopped my face onto a naked body.
[deleted]: Genius. Except for all the matching furniture in the background.
YouGotAte: Ditch all the furniture and make an IKEA run.
Username__Irrelevant: And that makes more financial sense for you?
The_Shandy_Man: At least you get new furniture that way.
| 9 | 31.333333 | |
1401480672 | 1401582563 | t3_26wi1j | t5_2to41 | 7 | xparta300: TIFU posted a comment on myspace and got in trouble with my high school
So this happen back when Myspace was big, and i was in high school but at the moment i posted the comment i was at my house and i believe it was Saturday morning. The whole comment was related to my girlfriend and how i hated her parents.., reason for that was because i broke up with her to get with another girl but didn't work out and ended up trying to get back to her but her parents didn't like the idea of me ditching her... so i try many times getting close to her but her parents kept telling me they where going to call the cops etc...
so here i when and wrote some nasty stuff about it and for some stupid reason i added that the whole music industry was going down the crapper because of black rappers and their awful music they where coming out with. this was when the whole soulja crap and other artist where out. little did i know somehow or someone send a printout to my high school and one of the people that work in the office came to my house with the printout and told my mom to head to the school and talk to the principle. long story short the principle was black she got offended about the rap thing and saw what i wrote about my girls parents, she wanted to expel me but apparently she didn't have any reason for it since it wasn't posted in the school or even related to the school (also to add apparently every school when in alert because this was around the Virginia tech shooting). Since she couldn't expel me ...she told me i couldn't get in the school unless i get a notice from two different psychiatrist letting me know i was fine in the head. I ended up getting the notices and going back but men that was awkward and pretty much f* up my weekend.
thatlazydude: Why couldn't your problem with music just be that *rappers in general* were ruining the industry
supersecretaccent: Because Eminem was a boss.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1401500419 | 1401754613 | t3_26xb88 | t5_2to41 | 10 | DvesWeasel: TIFU I totally screwed up a customers order at work today. I work for an online shipping company
Yeah so I work for a company that orders from a bunch of different distributors. sometimes we get over sized items which always hose us in the end somehow. In this case it was two items that cost say $165 after our markup the customer pays us $217. Ok not a bad margin. But is cost $50 for it to get to us and another $175 to ship it to the customer.
I did not realize that when the order got placed. The manager put a hold on the order never told me about it and then the items went out of stock. After 5 weeks the customer contacts us like wtf! I see that they are out of stock and explain to him we should be able to get them in 4 more weeks. Customer says ok I will wait. They come back into stock so I order one not realizing the customer needed two! One for him and one for his sister. I finally see this beast of a package arrive in shipping and realize at the last second that there is no way I can send this damn thing. The customer already fed up with waiting thinks his package is going to ship.
I call the manager; manager says oh well let him know. I have to tell this guy that not only is he not going to get the thing he ordered but we made him wait all this time for nothing.
The customer natural response was " Go Fuck yourself , you Fucking Idiot!"
TL: DR Yeah I love it when the manager fucks up order or doesn't tell me and I end up looking like Forrest Gump.
furutsu: What was it he wanted? And why do you hold stuff?
DvesWeasel: I didn't put the hold on his order the manager did and didn't leave me any notes as to why. So I assumed he forgot to order the item. In reality he didn't order the items for this customer because he already knew we would not be able to ship it because there was no margin for us. The first thing that's was wrong was the fact that our customer was able to find this item on our website. he should not have been able to order an item, because of our weight and oversized restrictions. But the manager is the one who runs the website. The web developers that run our website might as well be a bunch of Ethopian school kids running it as a project. At least they would take pride in their work. but our website is so effed. we get orders for things that don't even exist sometimes. Like the data for the item is just an error and prices expensive stuff at like half our cost or will show items in stock when there not. unfortunately im the poor bastard who gets to deal with all the angry customers.
furutsu: Oh boy that job sounds like a whole bunch of confusion, maybe your the man to transform the site to a smooth running machine in the future.
DvesWeasel: Right now I'm the only reason it still functions.
Hattricker: You still didn't answer /u/furutsu 's question as to what the customer ordered :)
Also, you didn't fuck up this one, this one's on your manager
DvesWeasel: It was an oversized bicycle travel case. We paid 315 for it cost plus shipping . we only charged the customer 217 so there was a massive discrepancy we would have lost nearly 100 just for a transaction. Business don't survive by loosing money like that. But its an issue with our website not calculating the proper shipping. I'm sure that if the web developers didn't suck so. Bad customers would pay more our margins might be a little better but at least we would be doing what we say we are going to do.
DvesWeasel: Not to mention the lovely phone calls and messages he left. But I understand where he's coming from. Just no need to get angry at me I have only so much control over how things work.
| 8 | 1.25 | |
1401523165 | 1401565162 | t3_26xz68 | t5_2to41 | 134 | [deleted]: TIFU by making my brother believe his eyes were gay.
decadentismo: Am I the only one thinking maybe he was gay all the time, and just worried he was being outed by his eyes?
Lateralis85: As a gay guy who knew before I became a teen that I was gay, the little brother probably had a homosexual bent.
And, as another redditor said in this thread, sexuality is a spectrum. I wouldn't be surprised if OP was using his pranks as a way of dealing with his own sexuality...
sigh-sigh: So everyone's gay? what about the sister, is she gay? am i gay?
Other_Animal: A little.
sigh-sigh: Shit, better tell my parents.
| 6 | 22.333333 | |
1401533440 | 1401635916 | t3_26y6eb | t5_2to41 | 113 | ZeroWithEverything: TIFU by withdrawing $100 from an ATM and walking away without the cash.
10 minutes later I realized what I did. I rushed back to the ATM but it was too late. Shit.
JJareau: You are probably fine. The ATM usually pulls the money back in after max 30 seconds, so it's unlikely somebody else took it. Your bank should transfer the money back to your account. If this doesn't happen automatically you should file a complaint.
rebop: I pulled up to an ATM that was beeping. A few seconds of trying to figure out why the beeps and I see $40 in the slot. It didn't suck back in, I took it.
[deleted]: If I was next to an ATM that was beeping I'd get the fuck out of there
rebop: They beep when dispensing cash or a receipt. Also when the deposit slot opens.
[deleted]: Every ATM I've ever been to doesn't, jackass
GoingBackToMyWays: The ones I go to do, so not EVERY ATM doesn't.
[deleted]: KEY WORDS: "I'VE BEEN TO" get your head out of your ass
rheasons: Someone needs a hug.
ssjkriccolo: Is it LeVar Burton? I've been out of the loop since yesterday.
ZeroWithEverything: All LeVar Burton needs now is a place to put all that money.
ssjkriccolo: apparently he should put all his money in stabilized star trek gifs. I'm sensing a theme.
| 12 | 9.416667 | |
1401502347 | 1401535769 | t3_26xdl6 | t5_2to41 | 2 | throwawayggbruh: TIFU By Being With A Friend When He Owed Someone Money
(Throwaway cuz idk about posting about drug stories on reddit)
So, i didn't fuck up, my friend did, heres the story. So my friend, call him John, bought a pair of shoes and promised the guy he bought them from, call him Sam, he would pay him. He turns around and sells them to Todd. Todd and his buddies burn the shoes in front of John and don't pay John. Sam got pissed his shoes were burned and he didn't get money. (BTW Nice shoes are a huge popularity thing where i live) So, I'm hanging out with John and he says someone wants to beat him up unless he pays him, didn't ask why, just assumed it was some idiot with an empty threat. Sure enough we walk into his neighborhood and he points and says there he is. Sam is with 3 buff buddies walking towards John not paying much attention to me. They start talking about the money and in my head I'm thinking, "What assholes, extorting $35 out of a middle schooler". But i soon find out the whole shoe situation. I recognize the kid Sam from cub scouts years back and call him out causing his friends to laugh at him and him to get pissed. So they're asking John for money he doesn't have. They have him empty his pockets to check if he has anything and he empties one of them. What they didn't know is in the other pocket he had a gram of leaf. Sam and his friends don't smoke but they can sell it. John tells them about the leaf and they sit for 5 minutes saying its either give us the leaf or we'll pin you and take it because Todd and his buddies had already paid their part for the shoes. John puts his hand on the "something" in his pocket and bam one of they guys grabs his arm and takes it. Then they say thanks, walk away, and ask if he wants to ball later. I was sitting there the whole time laughing at my friends stupidity. I know this is a shitty story but it's Reddit, you've seen worse.
[deleted]: your friends are assholes o-o
flutterbuttershy: Agreed, this guy needs to get a new crowd to run with. These guys all sound like shitty people.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1401532398 | 1401619723 | t3_26y5om | t5_2to41 | 527 | [deleted]: TIFU by teaching my uncle how to use a computer (He lives with us...) NSFW?...
Yeah so.. About 3 months ago I taught my uncle to use the computer so he would fuck off and quit coming into my room bugging me to lookup shit for him (I have three desktops, one in my room, one in the kitchen, one in my aunts room which does not go to use)
Anyways...3am, Just minding my own business fucking around on steam with friends, Decide "Hey, Ill be back, snagging a drink before we continue"
So. I open my door and see a light in the kitchen, Thinking "Hm, Must still be up trying to find shit online" only for me to see a 68 year old man with his sweatpants down looking at some penthouse website.
I try to casually walk by as if I didnt see anything only for him to drop the keyboard on a cat, making him alt tab into a different window where some white chick is getting gangbanged by 3 blackdudes while trying to casually get a glass of milk, For some reason in my confusion of not knowing what to grab anymore, I grabbed a piece of turkey and a bowl of stroganoff which I didnt realize I had until i got back to my room, though from the awkwardness of it all I decided to not even fucking go back there. Ended up just sitting in my room eating a bowl of stroganoff for no reason while still thirsty.
tldr; Taught 68 year old uncle to use computer, discovered he watches interracial gangbangs at 3am with it now.
Idiotic_Person: Implying we all don't watch interracial gangbangs at 3am?
[deleted]: Just you wait. Eventually you get to interracial gang bangs by noon, and then by 3AM it's all midgets with gaping anuses engaged in watersports.
foofie99: /r/nocontext
| 4 | 131.75 | |
1401546064 | 1401580361 | t3_26yhel | t5_2to41 | 3,962 | [deleted]: TIFU by using the flashlight on my phone
Well, this happened last week, and the repercussions are still unclear...
There's a cute girl who's been working in my lab for a few weeks. We've spoken a few times, and seemed to get on really well. The following week I was supposed to be working with her on a new project, which I was really looking forward to.
Anyway, Friday comes around, I left work, hopped on the bus and sat down. In Germany (where I live), the seats on the bus are arranged with some seats facing each other...and lo and behold I found myself sitting directly opposite this girl. We chatted a bit, nothing more than small talk. At some point she needed to text someone on her phone, so I started fiddling with my phone as well. I wasn't really concentrating, just pressing buttons as I do sometimes when I'm nervous. I was leaning forward with my arms resting on my legs whilst I did this, so my phone was about seat-height.
At some point, I accidently pressed the button for the flashlight app on my phone. The bus was quite dark, and the flashlight is super bright, so it instantly lit up our area, facing towards the girl. Embarrassed, I quickly switched it off. Then it dawned on me. The light for the flashlight comes from the same place as the camera flash. I just made a quick flash of light from the camera flash. Facing towards her. At seat height. She was wearing a skirt. A short skirt.
I didn't know what to do, so I just turned bright red and kind of stammered something like 'sorry...I didnt mean to...urgh...I pressed wrong button...'. But the damage was done. She got off at the next stop. I think she was crying.
The weekend passes and despite still feeling utterly humiliated, I go to work on Monday, determined to find her first thing and explain everything. I walk into the lab....deathly silence. They know. I'm called to the bosses office. I've been reported for sexual harrassment. I explained, and explained, and explained some more. I think my boss believed me, but I was told to work from home for the week and have to go to a formal meeting on Monday where I suppose my fate will be decided.
TL;DR : Accidentally pointed my cellphone flashlight up a girls skirt. Now everyone at my works thinks I'm a dirty pervert and I might be fired.
cleverun: The best thing would have been to try to fully explain it to her as quickly as possible, knowing it would be painful, but that it would have brought relief to both of you.
That being said, because this has already been reported and you've been approached and told to take time away from the office, THE TIME FOR APPROACHING HER DIRECTLY IS OVER. It may be very tempting to try to "set this right", but at this point she's made it clear that she was obviously severely uncomfortable, if not threatened. She would not have filed a report otherwise (I assume).
One of the worst things you can sometimes to do someone who is feeling harassed is to confront them - there is a high likely hood that even if you approach her with a good heart to try to explain, your behavior could be seen as threatening, or you trying to get her to change her story, it could make her dig her heels in more and invest more in her "version" of events, or rather, her perception. If you've been told someone thinks you're sexually harassing them and then you track them down to confront them (even if you're being as nice as possible about this) it just looks terrible, and makes you look potentially dangerous. In some ways this isn't fair, to you, I know, but it's a very important reality you now have to face.
What I would recommend: Call your boss or the person that originally spoke to you about this. Calmly tell them you'd "like a hand" or would like to "ask some advice, (off the record if need be, depending on your relationship with them)". When they say "sure" (and they will, because everyone likes to help), say "so it pertains to the whole "x" situation".
Calmly re-explain what happened. When you do this, do not pander, or beg, or scramble, or plead for them to believe that it's the truth. Just state it very matter of fact-ly, because it is the facts.
Explain that you understand that the woman is very upset, and you can understand why. This is unfortunate, not only because you used to have a positive working / professional relationship with her previous to this *misunderstanding*, but more importantly, you're concerned for her because you imagine she must be feeling a lot of distress in a situation where she really doesn't need to.
Proceed to say you'd like the woman to understand that it was an innocent misunderstanding, but that even if she accepts that everything won't go back to normal right away, some damage has potentially been done already. You'd like the opportunity to clear this up, but you think that approaching her directly or one on one is probably not the best idea (subtext= no matter what happens, moving forward, I want to do this properly, above board, beyond reproach, and in a manner where everyone's ass is covered).
You'd like his advice on what the best way to proceed is, bearing in mind the goal of clearing up this unfortunate misunderstanding, but also being sensitive to the woman and what kind of a place she must be at right now, and also what's best for the company.
I think this the best way to move forward. It demonstrates you coming clean but also that you're going to play ball, as it looks like you may have to go through some HR procedures. It helps disarm the situation with your boss a bit, and allows them to decide what the best way forward is - them investing in the next moves helps them want things to go well. It's also the smartest thing to do, you're going to cover your ass, and avoid distressing this woman further and putting yourself in a potentially actionable position by confronting her. Sucks man, time to pull up your pants and play this like a man.
Try and do this before the meeting on Monday as well.
Cheers, and best of luck.
Edit for emphasis: Nothing about your conversation with your boss should convey anything along the lines of "I'm afraid for my job". Some people can be suspicious of someone who is very afraid or feeling threatened, as you may be willing to do or say anything to keep your job if you're desperate. This is not about you keeping your job, *this is about setting things right*.
Edit 2: Wow! Obligatory "This blew up!" post. Thank you for the doge, the /r/bestoft , everything. A few things I feel I need to add
1) I am not a lawyer or HR professional. What I wrote is simply what I would do if in a similar situation, and nothing more.
2) "What I would do in a similar situation" is for more than just a CYA note for myself. Please take into account that I work in North America, a region with specific work culture and laws that may be different than where the reader might be.
3) To everyone saying "this woman has no right to be offended, omg this is what's wrong with the world, womyn are ruining society" - what do you think your comments are really doing, showing us a perspective on the situation, or letting everyone know you're an idiot? A coworker has had feelings hurt, a company is now raising its walls against potential litigation and following through with their HR procedures, and this man is in a bind. These must be dealt with. Drop your philosophical whining, the milk has been spilt, stop crying and grow up. Let's focus on helping a guy out and hopefully preventing some poor woman from internalizing a misunderstanding that may be scarring her.
thriftstoretalent: she has no right to be upset or embarrassed about it. if she is, maybe she should rethink her attire, because if a camera on your phone can see it, your eyes can see it, so what's the difference. fucking double standards are making this world unbearable
edit: the downvotes are piling up, but none of you are putting anything useful into the conversation. yes she was embarrassed, but this guy was in a public place. even if he took a picture of her, she was in public and didn't have a reasonable expectation of privacy, so he has nothing to defend as far as his job goes. also, this didn't happen at his work so there's no reason for his work to have to lawyer up just because two people who work there had a misunderstood run-in at a PUBLIC PLACE. yes, it would be creepy if he did take a picture, but there are no legal ramifications for taking a picture in a public place. [source](http://lifehacker.com/5912250/know-your-rights-photography-in-public) she was embarrassed because she was wearing something revealing, not because a flash went off. her thought was "he just took a picture of my vagina that i have hanging out of my skirt." if she had been wearing something modest it wouldn't have been embarrassing for either of them.
ILikeWalkingGerunds: Hey, her attire is not the point. She could have been wearing jeans and if the same thing happened it likely would have been just as awkward/distressing.
thriftstoretalent: but not illegal
ILikeWalkingGerunds: Could you expand? Why wouldn't it be?
thriftstoretalent: because public
ILikeWalkingGerunds: ...public what?
thriftstoretalent: if you are in public, it's not illegal for someone to film you, "unless there is a reasonable expectation of privacy", such as a public restroom. so if you have the nerve to wear immodest clothing, and someone takes a picture of you, there's nothing you can do about it, and rightly so. it's your own fault for hanging your vagina and nipples out. [source](http://lifehacker.com/5912250/know-your-rights-photography-in-public)
ILikeWalkingGerunds: Gotcha, thanks for clarifying that.
Interestingly enough, that's not the law everywhere. Massachusetts banned 'upskirting' in March this year. [Source.](http://www.cnn.com/2014/03/07/justice/massachusetts-upskirt-bill/)
Wearing a skirt doesn't mean that your vagina is hanging out. And if it is hanging out, uterine prolapse is definitely a cause for medical concern.
thriftstoretalent: hahhahaha. way to break the tension.
ILikeWalkingGerunds: I do what I can! Made the mistake of googling it though O_O cannot unsee...
In all fairness, I think this is a hugely important discussion. Because there are elements that are unfair to more than just one side. But it's a complicated subject so sometimes you just gotta make genital jokes to keep sane.
| 12 | 330.166667 | |
1401545890 | 1401653183 | t3_26yh6c | t5_2to41 | 46 | stoutfay: TIFU by asking a random woman if she wanted boobs...
I work on a checkouts and it can get pretty repetitive. After a steady stream of customers, a woman came up and there were the usually compulsory greeting. I then usually ask if they want any bags but my mind was elsewhere...
It wasn't a thought about hers or any other boobs in particular but it slipped out and she wasn't very happy. Had to continue to serve her multiple weeks worth of shopping.
Turns out she didn't need bags anyway.
LiberDeOpp: I think you wanted boobs
GuardstheGrey: We all want boobs... even the women.
Eat_The_Muffin: She didn't
GuardstheGrey: She just didn't want to admit it...
Eat_The_Muffin: She thought he was an undercover boob cop
| 6 | 7.666667 | |
1401537529 | 1401549268 | t3_26y9aq | t5_2to41 | 17 | lookatthisthrowaway3: TIFU by not making it to the bathroom in time.
This actually happened this past winter but man, it was a fuck up.
I was working a grocery store job. I was a little concerned about getting sick and having to call out because there was a nasty stomach bug going around, and my son had it only a few days ago. However, at this point I feel like I dodged the bullet.
So, I'm working an evening shift, and I head to the break room to take my break. I had leftover "tater tot surprise." I also had a cup of coffee, because I love me some coffee.
After this, things... changed. There was this subtle jabbing pain in the pit of my stomach, as if I had indigestion. No big deal, I probably just ate too fast or drank too much coffee. I go to help unload a freight truck and the jabbing gets worse, and then... it started. That queasy, insidious, gross sensation of being nauseous. I'm still praying that I had just had too much coffee or something, but it continued to build. Finally I turned to one of my co-workers and said "Dude, at some point tonight I'm gonna throw up, I can feel it." He asked if I needed to sit down and have a glass of water and I said no, it's probably a bug, but I am going to try and finish out my shift.
Unloading the truck and stocking shelves became more and more difficult as my stomach continued to churn. After an hour it was just moment after unbearable moment and I realized I simply could not do this anymore. I went to the freight supervisor and said "I am so sorry but I cannot do this for you, I am going to be sick." She had a deer in the headlights look and said "Well, okay, just let the front manager know."
I went to the front end manger and said I needed to leave right now, because I was going to be sick. She said "Okay, do you think you can pull and count your drawer first?" I had been running a spare cash register earlier. I agreed, because it was an extra fifteen minutes pay for sitting down, no big deal right?
I take my drawer into the office. At this point my entire experience of reality itself is colored by a wall of gross nausea. I sit down and start counting, and after a minute I am literally doubled over clenching my stomach, counting with my other hand.
I was about to blow my friggin cookies.
I called the front end manager in. Once she stepped through the door I bolted. No explanation about the half-counted money. I just ran.
Now here's where I fucked up-- there was a small trash can by the door of the office. I thought very briefly about grabbing it on my way out but I didn't. I figured that stopping and puking in a little trash can would be embarrassing, which is funny considering how things turned out.
The bathrooms were about a hundred feet away, through the grocery back stock room. I'm half running, half power walking. My stomach is screaming. With only twenty feet to go, my stomach had had enough, and the first wave of dinner went to the top. I clenched my mouth shut but **it shot out my nose** and traveled several feet across the room, leaving a line of delectable tater tots and corn all along the floor. It turns out, this particular virus was known for causing projectile vomiting, or as one of my friends called it, power puking.
Now, my nose is on fire and I can see the bathrooms only ten feet away, but my stomach has already gone into full evacuation mode, and no force on heaven or earth could stop it. I lunged towards the door, and as I did so, my abdomen wrenched and another round of dinner flew out of my mouth. It pretty much covered the entire door from eye-level down.
At this point I had given up all hope of containing my stomach. Someone was going to have to clean up a mess whether they liked it or not. I shoved the door open and had a split-second decision-- the sink, the urinal, or the toilet. The toilet was in the far corner of the room, so that was out of the question. The sink was right next to me, but it would be impossible to clean. So... the urinal.
My abdomen wretched and I just fell to my knees and let it happen. I have never seen so much food fly out of my mouth in so little time. The wretches were excruciating, and I made this loud primal moan with each one. This was loud enough for folks outside to hear, and a group of confused and disgusted co-workers gathered outside the puke-covered door.
In the end, I had spewed vomit over everything except the urinal. I think maybe one piece of corn made it in there. Otherwise I had basically trashed the place with my own bodily fluids.
I attempted to start cleaning the mess but the front manager came in and said no, go home, don't worry about coming in tomorrow. I was fucking humiliated because now everyone and their brother would know about the guy who power-puked all over the men's bathroom.
My pants and shirt were covered with puke. I wiped myself down as best as I could and left without punching out. This was in New England during that polar vortex, so it was a toasty -10F when I walked to my car, which I had not had time to start. The wet pukey-ness froze to my clothes and I shivered and chattered and moaned all the way home. I'm surprised I didn't cause an accident.
I went in the door without even saying hi to my SO, I just basically said that I puked all over myself and needed a shower. When I got to the bathroom, I realized I was too weak to stand up under hot water for any length of time, so I curled up in the tub while the shower was going. Thus began a long and very miserable night where I almost had to go to the ER for moderate dehydration, since I could not even keep a sip of water down.
**TL;DR** Got nauseous at work, ran to the bathroom, blew my friggin cookies all over everything except the toilet.
fredinvisible: > the front manager came in and said no, go home, don't worry about coming in tomorrow.
I can't tell whether you're saying your manager gave you a sick day off, or fired you.
lookatthisthrowaway3: It was just a sick day. She was pretty frazzled but I don't think she would have fired me just for shootin' soup all over the men's room.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1401549444 | 1401560674 | t3_26ylqb | t5_2to41 | 26 | redditthrowaway0056: TIFU by getting in a stupid argument with my serious gf that might cause a breakup.
I've been dating this girl for about a year and a half and we are on the marriage path. Lots of things in common, she's smart, motivated, sweet, caring, pretty- the list goes on and on.
Last night we had been out on date night and on the way back to her apartment, we got in the most ridiculous argument that I think I've ever had with anyone. I said something to the effect of "I can't believe I haven't cracked the seal this whole night!" (For those of you that may not know "cracking the seal" is generally used to indicate that you are going to relieve yourself for the first time during a night of drinking.)
She said "What?" and I repeated myself, thinking she hadn't heard me, and not that she didn't understand the term. We got into a mini argument about her saying "No one says that." Nothing major, just kinda picking at each other.
Apparently I was pressing the fact that the above phrase is a thing, and I guess I got a little too involved. She started saying my name in a very patronizing way, and it made me irritated. I told her not to talk to me like a child, and she said she wasn't, she was talking to me like I was an asshole (Looking back, that wasn't entirely inaccurate at the time, unfortunately).
Earlier in the night, I had said something, and she told me it sounded kinda bitchy. She has a bit of a stigma around the word, HATING it when people call her that. Here is where I fucked up. I told her "You said I was being bitchy earlier, and if it wouldn't put me in the doghouse for a week, I might tell you the same thing."
You could have heard a pin drop, right before the blow up.
She gets super pissed, and then I start on a rant about how it's really backwards that she can use that word to me, but I can't say it back to her. I guess I raise my voice too much and she tells me to lower it, and I continue on with my tirade. I tell her to take her emotions out of it and to think logically, that it isn't fair for her to be able to use an offensive term and not expect it to be used back to her.
Then I fucked up again. I said that she needed to strip her emotion out of it, think logically, and to stop acting like a woman.
It is at this point that she tells me I should just go home, think it over, and come back to her with an apology. On the drive home, I did just that, and continued to mull it over while I was getting ready for bed. I shot her an email, and this morning she tells me that she wants to take a break and she would *consider* talking to me next week.
Reddit, I fucked up bad. She's the one for me (I'm looking at rings and everything!) and I think I might have ruined this thing. She is seriously the best thing to have happened to me in the past few years and I'm not sure if I can work this one out with her. Ugh.
TL;DR- I essentially called my girlfriend (basically fiancée) a bitch and now we may be done.
EDIT: Grammar correction.
Insanityhot: Sounds like you two were drinking on date-night. People fight. People fight over stupid shit when drinking. If she's being a bitch about a stupid argument like this and still hasn't let it go... then there are going to be more of these...
I'm not saying to hell with her, but I'm saying you're definitely not ready for rings.
The couples I've known that have fought over stupid shit like this and not let it go, they're all divorced, broken up, or miserable.
Some couples just fight but nothing big comes of it. Two of my best friends are dating each other, and it seems like every time they drink they get into stupid fights over the littlest shit. They'll be mad for like 30 minutes tops, and then go back to normal like nothing happened, and it'll almost never carry over to the next day. They're not a bad couple though... it works for them because they don't let stupid shit carry over, because it's stupid shit.
Regardless of whether or not there's alcohol involved or not... It sounds like she was being a bitch and you were being an asshole, over nothing. This shouldn't carry over like this, and if it does then you're definitely not ready for marriage...
redditthrowaway0056: She was the DD for a a mutual friend and me. It was supposed to be a double date, but the other woman had to back out (not terribly relevant here).
She generally gets over things, but there is more context to this from things in her past. We rarely actually fight- much like your friends, we'll get into little arguments, but they are often all in good fun, and when they are not, we are both quick to forgive. I wasn't intoxicated enough to pass off what I said as drunk words.
It seems unfair that she is comfortable using a derogatory term, but gets angry when someone uses it to her (a holdover from an abusive relationship; a long, personal story not to be disclosed).
Insanityhot: I think you need to tell her how you feel about that, now that things have had time to cool down. She shouldn't be able to insult you freely, which goes both ways... though insults are never really healthy anyways. It definitely would have been better if you hadn't called her a bitch, even if she was being a bitch, but she fucked up too here.
Don't talk about placing blame... that won't get you anywhere. Just explain to her that you don't appreciate being insulted any more than she does. Insults add up over the years.
We all have our emotional luggage, like in the scrubs episode, but it doesn't give anyone a right be a bitch/asshole/whatever. I'm not going to lay into a war veteran who was captured and tortured for years, but if they're always being a dick I'm probably not going to bother talking to them any more either.
Talk to her, not us. Apologize less... she is fault here too (just don't tell her that in those words as you'll just be extending the fight).
redditthrowaway0056: She is in absolutely no mood to talk right now, so I'm going to let her cool off for a bit. I ought to be able to work this out with her, but I am most assuredly on her shit list at the moment.
Insanityhot: Fair enough. Give her another day or so. In the meantime go outside... have some fun. Go workout. Hit up some friends.
redditthrowaway0056: I shall do just that! Shooting some clay pigeons then going to the movies sounds like a pretty awesome way to spend a Saturday.
cessairlives: ... just saying, if your default mode in a fight while drunk (or ever) is to say sexist things, that's probably why she's so upset. You freaked her out, because now she thinks maybe you're secretly a sexist douchewad and she might get stuck with that if she marries you.
No, she shouldn't say you're being bitchy either, but it takes a whole different context when you say it to her.
You say she's smart--so I can guarantee you that many many times in the past, men have called her a bitch for daring to be assertive. When you get your opinions discounted solely based on your gender, it's extremely upsetting.
She shouldn't use the word either, but that's why it bugs her so much. When you apologize, you need to acknowledge that the things you said were sexist, and that it's something you'll be working on. Because those things should never be said ... it's the equivalent of using racial slurs at ethnic minority friends EVER. It's never okay, and if it comes out when you've been drinking (or anything else people use an excuse for saying such things), it's in your head.
I'd never, not even when drunk out of my mind, use racial or homophobic slurs because my brain doesn't work that way. She is probably the same and scared as hell that phrases like 'stop acting like a woman' even came out of you.
| 8 | 3.25 | |
1401549913 | 1401573010 | t3_26ymc5 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by smashing open a bus window and jumping out of a moving bus, then causing a pileup.
I was just finished work and me being the typical redditor staying up late fell asleep in the bus. This is the beginning of when IFU.
I was sleeping and suddenly the bus jolted hard. Somehow I immediately thought it was a crash and grabbed the emergency window breaking hammer or whatever you call it and smashed the window open and shards flying everywhere. Then I leaped out of the moving bus falling hard onto a main road. There was a car speeding towards me and it screeched to a halt and swerved. The car behind it forced it onto the other lane and hit another car. I end up alive but with a $250000 bill.
tl:dr, I break a bus window and jump out of a moving bus. car swerves and hits another car. 3 car pile up. $250000 bill.
Keep Posted. I will update.
MrSqwigglee: At least you were ready ?
the_epic_narwhal: you must die. -your reddit hitman
| 3 | 1 | |
1401549957 | 1401583252 | t3_26ymee | t5_2to41 | 8 | SabreToothSandHopper: TIFU in HD!
A lot of people have weird or kinky things they do in their own home, I have a few of my own that got me into trouble. I am very attracted to electronics equipment, especially thinks that hold a lot of power or significance like films that have been worked on for years by hundreds of people. All that man-power and energy condensed on such a little plastic disk.
Today I thought I'd treat myself. I stopped by HMV, and after searching around I decided on "Up" by Disney Pixar. It felt like it cost a lot to make, and it was one of the few sold in Blu-ray quality (I like the feeling of the extra data and information). As soon as I got home I stripped naked. I eagerly un-boxed my prize and laid the disk down on a cutting board, I used a craft knife to enlarge the hole in the middle (my dick isn't that small). The disk cracked a bit, almost to the edge but I carefully taped up the jagged hole so as not to cut my already "up" penis. I took it onto my bed and spent a good hour and a half working that blu-ray disk until I finally shot my wad through the hole. It was a good day.
ChefSmooth: Pleasant read!
All of the sentences seem well constructed and the storytelling is spot on!
Except for the part where you "enlarged the hole"
We all know that didn't happen
SabreToothSandHopper: People didn't like it though. Maybe the joke was too subtle?
Username__Irrelevant: I liked it, don't listen to those other guys.
| 4 | 2 | |
1401552509 | 1401607370 | t3_26ypmw | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by also exposing my dick on Chatroulette
This is in reference to [this fuck up](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/21hp6f/tifu_by_showing_my_dick_on_chatroulette/).
Long story short, the same thing happened to me about an hour ago. I'm still freaked out. Stayed home this Saturday night and decided to browse Chatroulette.
A legit 8/10 from Morocco was there and wanted to talk and then get my Skype. We go on Skype and she wants to play around. I was like "what the fuck" and decide to do so, surprised by how much of a hot girl was keen to mess around. She wanted my Facebook and in the heat of the moment I gave it to.
Afterwards I then disconnected and then she sent me this:
"okey see ur video good
i have ur family.and ur frinds........ ur facebook
<Link to friends>
i copiesd all your information i swaer i will publish your video
money for delted your video
i swaer i will fucking your life
man this is ur life u want publish ur video all ur frinds and ur family"
Freaking the fuck out, I ask "how?"
"man if u want delete ur video and not see me again send me just 500 euro by western union
teel me for delted your video from youtube
after you send me money i delted on my computer
if you play i will send your video trust me"
Anyway, no way in the fuck am I sending 500 Euros. While talking with them to hold my time, I changed my Facebook URL (RIP my favourite URL) and decided to change my privacy settings. I've now disabled my Facebook and blocked them.
I sincerely doubt they had the ability to get all of my Friends links, and only have stored the links of those they provided.
While it's stupid, I was in the heat of the moment. I feel like messaging those friends and just telling them they may get a video, it's harassment, everybody masturbates etc.
"answer me man what now
u want play with me or what"
Is the last messages I got before I blocked them.
Help. :S
mrdrprofessorvader: This is about the third time I heard someone exposing their dick to a girlin Morocco and post on TIFU
just skip if it ever come up
ssjkriccolo: we gonna need the Moroccan counter?
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1401552606 | 1401555045 | t3_26yprs | t5_2to41 | -1 | [deleted]: TIFU by slapping an autistic kid while fundraising for my school
Now to be clear I had no idea he was autistic I just thought he was being a dick. But anyways we were selling those gold cards for my football teams fundraiser, so I'm all decked out in my uniform and what not standing out front of our local grocery store. This kid works there and apparently at the other entrance some of my teammates were giving him some flack every time he went to go get the carts, which at the time I had no idea. So this time he decides to go through the entrance I'm standing in front of and I proceed to ask,"excuse me sir would you like a gold card to help support our team?" And the kid just starts freaking out yelling at me and then goes on to take my gold cards and throw them away and all over the street! I was livid so I go up to him say some thing then I slapped the shit out of him like really really hard. Anyways he freaks and the store calls the cops and I get suspended for 1 game and now I'm known as the guy who hit the retarded kid
smittythesysadmin: First. Austism ≠ Retarded, or a mental illness, or diminished capacity.
Second. You sound like a goddamned retard for deciding to hit someone. As opposed to deal with your issue like an adult.
stanthemannn: wut
Do you not know what autism is? Go read a book.
The autism spectrum is essentially a scale of how functional an autistic person is.
A high functioning person with autism is normally referred to as having aspergers. Its essentially being socially retarded... but when someone on the autism spectrum is pretty low on the scale, that's when you get full blown retard. This is why people with aspergers were generally pretty pissed off when the new DSM changed aspergers from it's own disorder to being high on the autism spectrum, because they didn't like the association. Aspergers generally meant that you were pretty smart, but lacked social skills, and because the intelligence aspect, a lot of people were proud of having aspergers, despite the negative/challenged/diminished-capacity-for-socialization.
TL;DR: Autism is social retardation, and much worse if you're low on the spectrum.
| 3 | -0.333333 | |
1401553990 | 1401565604 | t3_26yrli | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by water going down the wrong pipe
So I was sitting at work one day in front of a computer and other electronics. I lean back and take a gigantic swig out of a bottle of water. Mouth full of water I take a gulp and down it goes the wrong pipe. I then projectiled about a third a bottle of water all over my screen and the person sitting next to mes screen.
Lucky nothing was broken and I laughed pretty hard at myself.
ClubfootBandit: Needs more dragons and shit.
chainsaw_cock98: Fuck this guy ^
ClubfootBandit: You won't 1v1 me though.
| 4 | 1 | |
1401514085 | 1401638401 | t3_26xrbt | t5_2to41 | 7 | TotalHamman: TIFU by giving my highly allergic sister some juice with Banana.
As the title states, my youngest sister is highly allergic to bananas. She has to carry an Epi-Pen with her just in case she eats anything with banana in it.
So she is over right now and I just give her a mixed drink with a small amount of banana juice in it. She looks at me and says, "I know you didn't, but I taste bananas in this."
This is the point where I simply give a horrified look as she yells "Fuck!" and runs for the Benadryl and her Epi-Pen in case she needs it.
Today I fucked up...
Username__Irrelevant: But did anything actually happen?
Da_Porta: Since an epi-pen was used, she had to go to the hospital. It's a rule that anytime a person has an allergic reaction and uses an epi-pen, they must go to the hospital. Also, her next reaction will be even worse.
Source: my sister is highly allergic to tree nuts
Username__Irrelevant: He didn't say she used it, that's what I was wondering.
But still I didn't know that was the norm so thanks for the knowledge.
TotalHamman: Sorry for the delayed response. My sister did not have to use the Epi-Pen. The amount of exposure was minimal and the double-dose of Bendryl was enough for her to stop the allergic reaction.
Does not change the fact that I fucked up though...
cloudfightback: I'm just glad she's okay...just be careful next time, dude.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1401556186 | 1401616140 | t3_26yulm | t5_2to41 | 92 | Fumbledink: TIFU by having a spider on my crotch
I had just had a shower, had dried off, and was getting dressed. Little did I know that the eight-legged personification of Satan himself had plans already set in motion for my immediate pain and misery.
As I calmly proceeded to pick up and pull my jeans on, I reached for the zip, and a slight movement caught my eye. I saw there was a particularly large house spider on my crotch. A harmless one (they all are here in Britain), but still pretty big, slightly furry, and I swear he had big glowing red eyes and a seriously mean facial expression.
Now, let me assure you I'm not *scared* of spiders. In fact I don't mind them at all. However under the circumstances, possibly partially because I am fairly fond of that region of my body, and just the sheer shock of seeing him there, I got a considerable fright, and my incredible "instincts of awesomeness" kicked in.
I'm not a violent person. I've never really been in a fight. I've never thought of myself as destined to be a boxer. However the instinctive right hook that I gave myself in the nuts would have floored Muhammad Ali in his prime. I mean, I seriously punched as hard as I could.
Most times I've been hit in the nuts, its a delayed effect; it takes a few seconds for the pain to really kick in. Not this. This hurt immediately. It was overwhelming. I forgot about the spider. In fact, I forgot most things, including my sense of balance. I slowly keeled forward, and hit my head on the radiator opposite the shower door.
I'm not sure how long I was lying there, but I was probably out for a good few minutes. When I woke up, I just lay there for probably a half hour longer, shaking slightly, before I could actually bring myself to stand up.
I don't like spiders now.
TL;DR: Spiders are evil and clever. I am not.
monty845: Got what you deserved. That spider was coming on to you, and you rejected it for being a spider.
Fumbledink: Hey, if the ideal woman is a "leggy blonde", then this one was just too leggy, for my personal taste. (And it never called back. The bitch.)
monty845: I wouldn't call you back either if you tried to sucker punch me on our first date.
Fumbledink: Isn't... Isn't that what everyone does on the first date?...
| 5 | 18.4 | |
1401553473 | 1401559771 | t3_26yqwa | t5_2to41 | 6 | ermagerdmofo: TIFU by cuddling with my ex's best friend
Last year I broke up with my SO (we will call him D) of 2 years because he admitted to not really caring about me, and only using me for the sex.
Over the time that I became really good friends with D's friends that have taken me in and are helping me with a lot of things over the past year.
Any who, my story starts with just 2 weeks ago, where I was celebrating a friends birthday at D's best friends house, this best friends shall be known as M. So at M's house we were drinking a very small amount, and playing cards and stuff. Eventually we all decided to go to bed.
M decided to be nice and let the birthday girl and her boyfriend sleep in his bed. I was getting set up to sleep on a rather lumpy couch, and he invited me to sleep on the queen sized bed in the basement, clearly, I went with that choice because it was comfier and M and I cuddle all the time!
This time was no different, you know the [classic cuddling position](http://images.inmagine.com/img/bananastock/bs257/bs257011.jpg) just chatting away and giggling like school girls. As we were talking I found myself being distracted by the sound of his heart beating, and his finger gently circling my shoulder, slowly running down my arm. When suddenly propped himself up on an elbow so he was above me, and in that moment I really wanted to kiss him, but I didn't have to, because he did it for me.
We made out for what felt like forever, but I stopped it as the excitement wore down and I realized what I was doing. M is D's best friend. Sure it didn't end well, but none the less, I am not a cold hearted bitch.
I told M that I couldn't, I didn't want to do that to D. M calmed my fears by saying that he and D had already discussed the situation if it were to arise, and D was fine with it, he didn't care about it. that one hurt like a bitch, either way, m and I decided to fool around for a little while anyway, but we didn't end up having sex.
I left the next day feeling pretty shitty about the whole ordeal, and I talked about it with a close friend who told me that it was a great idea, I didn't agree, but what ever, I didn't really plan on doing it again.
Then last night I went over to M's again, with a different group of friends, we were having a good night, and then we had to go to bed, all 4 of us cuddled in the bed, and slowly the temptation arose again, and some how we convinced the other two to leave the room. Once they were gone for a few minutes we did all the sexing. He left early in the morning, I'm fairly sure the others know what happened.
Finally, D started talking to me again, asking me to the bar, asking to chill with me, talking to me like nothing ever happened between us, like we are best friends again.
I personally feel like the devils advocate for doing this, and I really deserve to be locked away from everything.
tl;dr I fucked my ex's best friend, my ex started talking to me again
Bellamoid: [Devils advocate means someone who takes a position for the sake of an argument.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Devil's_advocate)
Anyway, doesn't sound like you did much wrong. M told you that your ex okayed the relationship so it's all golden. I've had a couple of friends date exes and I was always fine with it.
autowikibot: #####&#009;
######&#009;
####&#009;
[**Devil's advocate**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Devil's%20advocate): [](#sfw)
---
>In common [parlance](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parlance), a __devil's advocate__ is someone who, given a certain [argument](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Argument), takes a position they do not necessarily agree with (or simply an alternative position from the accepted norm), [for the sake of debate](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/For_the_sake_of_argument) or to explore the thought further. In taking this position, the individual taking on the devil's advocate role seeks to engage others in an argumentative discussion process. The purpose of such a process is typically to test the quality of the original argument and identify weaknesses in its structure, and to use such information to either improve or abandon the original, opposing position. It can also refer to someone who takes a stance that is seen as unpopular or unconventional, but is actually another way of arguing a much more conventional stance.
>
---
^Interesting: [^The ^Devil's ^Advocate ^\(1997 ^film)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Devil%27s_Advocate_\(1997_film\)) ^| [^Donnie ^Brasco ^\(film)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Donnie_Brasco_\(film\)) ^| [^Devil's ^Advocate ^\(TV ^series)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Devil%27s_Advocate_\(TV_series\))
^Parent ^commenter ^can [^toggle ^NSFW](http://www.np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=autowikibot&subject=AutoWikibot NSFW toggle&message=%2Btoggle-nsfw+chvsoea) ^or[](#or) [^delete](http://www.np.reddit.com/message/compose?to=autowikibot&subject=AutoWikibot Deletion&message=%2Bdelete+chvsoea)^. ^Will ^also ^delete ^on ^comment ^score ^of ^-1 ^or ^less. ^| [^(FAQs)](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/wiki/index) ^| [^Mods](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/comments/1x013o/for_moderators_switches_commands_and_css/) ^| [^Magic ^Words](http://www.np.reddit.com/r/autowikibot/comments/1ux484/ask_wikibot/)
| 3 | 2 | |
1401557555 | 1401584653 | t3_26ywi0 | t5_2to41 | 121 | [deleted]: TIFU by passing out during a class presentation
This happened a few months ago, but why the fuck not share this.
I was taking a management class where we had to put together a 20 minute presentation to share to the class about a company and it's history. Without looking at the PowerPoint slides and you can't bring any note cards to read off of in case you get lost in the middle of the presentation. FUCK.
So it was the night before the presentation and I'm rehearsing in front of a mirror. It was right in the middle of pollen/allergy season, so my nose is clogged, sinus pressure, sneezing like crazy, the usual. I'm on some potent medicine, and it dries my nasal cavity out pretty ridiculously. I notice my nose started bleeding, and I run to the bathroom to clean it up.
Fast forward to the next morning.
I woke up with a pounding headache and sinus issues. I ate some breakfast, drank some coffee (bad idea which I will explain later), nothing was working. In my mind I was saying to myself "fuck fuck fuck fuck" cause I did not need this right now. So I go and load up on medicine. Bad idea. I take my allergy medicine, some pseudophed, and some aspirin (big fuck up).
Fast forward to my class.
I'm woozy, head still hurting and my presentation is next. I feel like a hobo who just got his hands on some cheap booze. I stumble up there feeling kind of dizzy and I jump right into it. I start sniffling and I didn't think anything of it, thinking it was just snot or sinus drainage. It tasted kind of metallic, fuck, it's blood. It was coming like Niagara fucking falls. I forgot I drank coffee this morning (making my heart pump faster than Pauly D's fists in a nightclub) AND I had taken aspirin, a blood thinner. I mean this blood gushed out like water.
Everybody is just staring at me watching me fuck myself over. My teacher is sitting at the very top of the class (auditorium sized class) and he couldn't really see what was going on. Trying to be a fucking man I kept going. I looked like a fucking cannibal with blood all over my mouth and face.
The nervousness is making my heart pump even more. Eventually I pass out and hit my big ass head on the table next to me. I woke up in the hospital with no remembrance of my fuck up until a buddy of mine in class told me what happened when he visited me.
I got my grade and received an A- on my presentation. Teacher told me I would've gotten a D on the project if I hadn't passed out. Basically I got an A- out of pity.
TL;DR: Nosebleed due to too many meds had me lookin like Jeffery motherfuckin Dahmer, I pass out in class and got an A- out of pity.
moochie94: At least you got an A.
carcino_Genetix: An A MINUS
Username__Irrelevant: -insert High expectations asian father meme-
| 4 | 30.25 | |
1401558506 | 1401681967 | t3_26yxrn | t5_2to41 | 365 | ShamedThrowaway3232: tifu by forgetting to lock the door while masturbating in the shower, which led to me being discovered accidentally hiding as my roommate took a dump.
Sometimes what I like to do is go into the bathroom, turn all of the lights out, and masturbate in the shower. I do not turn the water on, I just huddle up on one end of the shower, curtain closed, enveloped in a cocoon of darkness, and have a nice bit of masturbating.
In my shameful absent-mindedness I made an error today, I believe for the first time, by neglecting to lock the bathroom door. As I was nearing the end of my masturbating, the door suddenly opened. I froze in horror, and tried to remain still and silent.
In my fear-logic, I did not think to call out that the bathroom was occupied, I thought to remain hidden while my roommate urinated and then exit with stealth when he was gone.
However, it was soon evident that he was not there for to unleash urine, but rather to empty his bowels.
At this point, when I realized what was happening as I heard him sit down, I had to commit. I could not suddenly make my presence known. It would be too awkward. It would be the most awkward thing I could imagine. I had to commit to staying silent and waiting for him to depart.
And so I sat there, crouched naked in the shower, trying to be still as a statue, as my roommate was taking a large dump. To make it even more awkward, I heard him talk to himself several times. Just as after releasing a large piece of feces (I judge it large by the sound volume of the subsequent splash) he let out a long, almost sensual "Yeaaaaahh." A moment later I heard him mutter "Get the fuck out of my ass", followed by a heavy grunt.
Finally, I heard the ripping and application of toilet paper. I was relieved. I had done it.
But no. Fate and poor physique had judged that I could maintain my frozen stature for a finite amount of time, and that time had come. I stumbled, and in a panic tried to correct myself, and of course inadvertently made a minor racket of noise.
I heard my roommate shout something along the lines of "What the fuck!?".
The shower curtain ripped open and in that instant of time I saw that my life was obliterated and that from this point forward the timeline was plunged in an irreversible descent of shame and humiliation. I will never forget the look of outrage and shock upon my roommates face.
My fear-mind has no logic. I can think of no rational reason as to why I did what I did, but in my panic-seized thinking I shouted out an explanation "I was just masturbating!" I could not believe the words were mine after I heard them.
My roommate just stared at me for a moment and then left.
I stayed in the shower and cried for several minutes before sneaking to my room.
My current thinking is that I will stay in my room until Sunday afternoon, when my roommate goes to work and my other roommates will be out at an afternoon concert of some sort. I have water in here, as well as some snacks.
I will dash to the bank, leave an envelope of cash on a table that will cover my share of the rent for two months (when the lease is due for renewal) and I will pack my essentials and leave.
Mendican: Son, as a fifty year old man, I can tell you this: Everybody wanks, and everybody gets caught at least once. The first time is the worst. This is honestly one of the funniest stories I've read in a long time. And that's all it is: Funny. There is absolutely no shame in it, and the sooner you realize that, the less remorse you will feel afterwards. Your dick is your best friend. He will never let you down.
Don't move out. Just tell that fucker to knock first, and write "Get the fuck out of my ass!" on your rent check.
Your story makes me want to make a list of all the places I've beat my meat. It's a long, creative list, and includes 'on top of a grand piano in an empty auditorium'.
NightGod: > Your dick is your best friend. He will never let you down.
That's a gods-damned lie and you know it, sir!
Mendican: From time to time, your dick might get drunk and do something stupid, like drive all the way to Tijauana for a blow job, but it will be with you to the end.
NightGod: In that case, it's going to depends on if you got more than just a blow job from that friendly Tijuana resident...
Mendican: In this particular case, in got me a DUI. It was the night before the space shuttle Challenger exploded.
NightGod: January 27th, 1986? (I only remember because the Challenger exploded on my birthday).
Mendican: I was still asleep when it happened, so I missed the actual event. Same with 9/11. I didn't see either one of those buildings come down live, either. Not that I'm disappointed.
And a belated happy birthday to you.
NightGod: My mom used to let me stay home on my birthday, so I was sitting there, watching *Card Sharks* when the news cut. It was pretty surreal.
9/11 I had the TV on in time to see the second plane. Once they started falling I went and picked up my Kindergarten daughter from school and then lowered my flag to half-mast. That was an even more surreal day.
Mendican: I was leaving for work, and the radio station I was tuned to was talking about the south tower. I thought it was just the anniversary of the 1993 bombing. Once I discovered that every station was playing the same broadcast, I made a u-turn over a medium and ended up parked on my own grass. We sat in front of the TV for pretty much the next 24 hours.
| 10 | 36.5 | |
1401559079 | 1401699171 | t3_26yyl0 | t5_2to41 | 26 | GrindThemIn138: TIFU by performing music I had recorded under a fake name.
Last night I went to see two of my good friends play at some bar down the street. I showed up pretty drunk and of course drank more. One of these friends is the only one who knew my secret.
I have recorded albums under a different name and claimed to live in a different state. I do this because a lot of the songs are very obvious as to who they're about, some contain names. I didn't want to be stifled by worry of hurting feelings.
Anyway, after their set they ask me to play a few songs. In my drunken state I go up there and play stuff I recorded under the fake name. Fuck. Now everyone thinks im weird and my girlfriend thinks im a serial killer.
StillbornOne: yea please post some links now that you got us all interested
GrindThemIn138: I'm down to post lyrics but not actual music.
StillbornOne: I'm waiting! :)
GrindThemIn138: I played this one at the show with some small changes
Trigger
Wake up
Throw up into a grocery bag
I've got that nagging feeling
I'll never again be able to feel,
Your nails on the back of my neck
I try to go to sleep early
I try to feel regret
I lay here in a spinning blue room
Cigarettes and whiskey
My little mummy
I think I've found my tomb
I'm wrapped up
Ratted out
But let me give you some things to think about
I did it all for you
I lied, I tried to make sense of everything
Sinners and saints
I guess we're somewhere in between
I know you love the fall
I'd love to be between those leaves
Auburn and gold,
and any shade that you wanted me to be
Empathy,
All the things we wanted to be
Layed out on plates,
waiting to be devoured by absolutely nothing
Pay attention love, I'm trying my best to say something
Near or far away, you're always on my mind
Swimming through my brain
A certain shame, I guess
a guilt that's so hard to repress
I'll let my crows nest here tonight
Shiny feathers against a dull sky
Like you and I
Keep your luster, keep your shine
But never forget your darkness
Just know that every night I sleep in mine
One more sip seems better than a bullet
One more thought of you
I wish you had a trigger and the courage to pull it
I'd love to decorate these walls that we painted
With my own brain
Blood on blue
Skull on paint
Even if it killed me, id do anything to talk to you
no reason to think it through
This is your only chance
The only way to take me away from you
So far away from you
ACreepyThrowaway: Rad. PM me, OP.
I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
ಠ_ಠ
Music, I mean.
GrindThemIn138: I'm down to show more lyrics. No music though, that'd blow my cover!
ACreepyThrowaway: Lol, I meant privately. I've got some songs I'd like to bounce off you too, but I'm not willing to post them publicly either.
I'll PM the link to my page, if you feel comfortable I'd love to hear your stuff. It sounds like you write in the same vein as myself, and your lyrics share some themes that I use too.
| 8 | 3.25 | |
1401559963 | 1401726023 | t3_26yzt1 | t5_2to41 | 20 | ifeelbadthrowawayy: TIFU by lying to a guy and saying I couldn't meet up with him due to feeling sick. Guess what happened.
So today this guy I know (let's call him X) texted me, asking me if I wanted to meet up/hang out. Before I continue I'll give a some quick background info of the nature of our relationship.
We're in the same friend circle so I see him a lot. I don't really talk to him in person (we text more) and I don't consider him a close friend. Awkwardly enough I know for a fact that he "likes" me (apart from the way he behaves, his friends tease him about me all the time).
Anyway, I don't really wanna get his hopes up or anything so I didn't want to meet up with him. This is the part where I fucked up: instead of saying "no" like a normal human being, I claimed that I "felt really sick" and that I could "barely leave my bed". I even snapchatted him a picture of a Kleenex box to secure my alibi.
He was genuinely concerned and told me to get well soon.
Fast forward an hour. My best friend tells me she needs to buy a bday gift for her boyfriend and asks me to come with her. And of course I do.
So were in the men's section of a clothing store when I start telling her about X. I told her "he wanted to meet up today and I really couldn't be bothered to see him. I don't even see him as a friend you know? And he texts me 24/7...who even gave him my number? anyway I told him I was sick."
Since I posted this on TIFU, can you see where this is going? No? Well, suddenly my best friends eyes widened and she mumbled "fuckkkk turn around you idiot". I turned around. X was standing there, looking at me blankly. He must've stood there, listening to me complaining about him but my friend and I were too busy to notice his presence.
I was mortified and blushed like mad. He was quiet for a second, then said "if you don't want to see me, just fucking tell me next time. Instead of bitching to your friends, just TELL ME I'm bothering you. I'll leave you the fuck alone."
I couldn't just stay quiet and fucked up EVEN more. I told him that I didn't like him and that I hate the fact people think we're together (like I said, because his friends tease him everyone thinks we're a couple). I also told him that I don't want to be around him.
I didn't feel bad whilst saying this because I'm a direct person (not in a bitchy way, I just don't sugarcoat things). But he looked so crushed. Even my friend gasped and couldn't believe what I was saying.
He grabbed a suit, looked at me, nodded "fine." and walked off. My friend told me off and said "that was cold. He looked so hurt, how can you just reject him before he even had the chance to ask you out." I gotta say, I felt bad for him and I truly think I fucked up.
**TL;DR Lied to a guy about being not being able to see him, went shopping with my best friend and bumped into him. Awkwardness ensued, I fucked up even more and he left**
EDIT: people pointing out the "I'm direct" line...this isn't the first time he asked to meet up, I declined plenty of times before that. I just didn't want to say no again. Oh well.
69IDontCare96: I know people like you, you will end up a chain smoking fat ass who lives in a trailer park with 4 kids who have all been to juvenile hall at least once. Your husband also beats you.
notjane: I agree with this 100%.
HerpDerpMapleSerp: Yeah? Well I agree with it *105%*.
SecularQuasar: YEAH? Well I agree with it 105.99% YEAH.
| 5 | 4 | |
1401554867 | 1401619505 | t3_26yss4 | t5_2to41 | 17 | deptford: TIFU by sending a onedrive album full of an actress in lingerie to my brother's e-mail account
TIFU by sending a onedrive album full of an actress in lingerie to my brother's e-mail account. Unfortunately, he shares it with his gf. Who does that FFS?
JJareau: Sooo, just to make sure the story checks out by acquiring more details: Which actress are we talking about?
Username__Irrelevant: please OP, for science?
Jeremehhhh: Remy La'croix.Thank me later
Username__Irrelevant: I know her work.
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1401558933 | 1401578170 | t3_26yycf | t5_2to41 | 45 | Saltysalamander: TIFU by running out of the shower.
So I was in the shower minding my own business washing my bum. When all of a sudden I hear my SO scream OH MY GOD!!!! Followed by my 9 month old start screaming bloody murder. My first thought was "Oh shit the baby hurt himself". So I grab a towel and made a mad dash for the kitchen. And then it happens my feet go flying in the air, and I land right on my elbow and my toes to proceed to slide under the closet and get sliced open. I knew something was wrong because as soon as I went to get up my muscles started to spasm and there was no way my arm was bending. It began to hurt so bad it was making me sweat. End up going to the hospital and find out I broke my radius. So the next 4-6 weeks are going to be loads of fun! Oh, and the the jerk off had screamed because of a video game, startled the baby causing him to scream. :/
Tl;DR. SO screamed, making baby screaming, causing me to break my arm...
thehandyandyman: What actually happened to your SO?
Saltysalamander: He was on LoL, someone had ganked him and both people had managed to get away with no health and he died.
revofire: *shrieks like a girl*
| 4 | 11.25 | |
1401561679 | 1401673695 | t3_26z28n | t5_2to41 | 101 | Bermuda_Jim: TIFU by trying to introduce a little kid to a pro wrestler
Myself, my Fiance and her family are all pro wrestling fans. I know it's silly and fake, but it's a big nostalgia thing for me. There's a local promotion called NXT, which is basically the training league for the WWE(WWF). My fiance was nice enough to get myself and her parents ringside tickets to a showing of NXT.
In short, the good guy won (Adrian Neville, for the few that care) and was going around giving everyone next to the ring high fives and chatting with fans. My fiance is a big Neville fan and stands up to shake his hand. There were two young kids (maybe 7 or 8ish) sitting behind us who seemed like they were really into the show. Remembering how enthusiastic I was about wresting when I was that age, I stood up and moved my fiance's chair out of the way so that the kids and their parents could get through and high five Neville. I looked to the parents, and to the kids and motioned for them to go through to meet the wrestler, who saw what was happening and was patiently waiting.
One kid immediately starts crying. The other one covers his face with his mom's shirt. It turns out they were both developmentally disabled and afraid of the whole thing. My fiance shakes Neville's hand and goes to sit down- in the chair that I had moved. She misses the chair and falls flat on the ground.
So at this point, I had two crying kids, two angry parents, a fiance thinking that I was playing a cruel joke on her (in front of a large crowd), and her folks thinking I was a jackass.
I apologized to everyone, but it cemented in my brain that I will never be able to deal with kids.
Thanks, Adrian Neville.
YouGotAte: The parents took the kids there but got mad at you for trying to get them closer? That's some flawless logic there.
The_fisherman_king: They shouldn't have been there in the first place. Some parents are idiots. I was once attacked by a man who's 6 year old autistic son told him I was trying to hit him. I was about 17 and 6 ft tall at the time. If I wanted to hit his son he would've been burying mush that night!
[deleted]: Stellar parenting there, then again seems these days parents aren't mental agewise far off from their child's age.
| 4 | 25.25 | |
1401565185 | 1401784678 | t3_26z76d | t5_2to41 | 45 | Throw-Away-Account-1: TIFU by giving my girlfriend a tract infection, and her parents find out we have sex
So was a few months ago, but oh well.
At the time i had recently got a girlfriend, lets call her Jess. She's 18 and I'm 20. Both of us were virgins, so we started messing around pretty quickly into the relationship.
At first we used bare skin condoms with no problems at all. My best friend, lets say Andy, was stoked I lost my virginity finally that he agreed to surprise me with a box of his favorite condoms.
"Free condoms, can't go wrong there!" I though with enthusiasm. Well it went wrong there
The next day, Jess and I decide to try the new ones. We start doing our this, wam bam thank ya mam, sexy time complete. The day after she notices when she goes to the bathroom, it hurts. Since she still lives with her parents she tells them about the bathroom issue.
So her mom brings her to the doctor, Jess tells her doctor (with her mom in the room) that she had sexual intercourse the day before. Turns out the lube on the condoms caused the infection. The worst part is that her parents now know I deflowered their daughter within a month of dating her.
TL;DR: Had sex with my girlfriend, condom gave her an infection, her mom knows I took her daughters virginity away.
Edit: spelling errors
NightGod: Honestly, as a father, I would just be relieved that she was using condoms.
Also, if you ever need free condoms again, check out Planned Parenthood, your county health department or a college health services. They'll gladly give you freebies.
Throw-Away-Account-1: Her parents are cool with it. They just think we were moving fast. And we do use planned parenthood now. Great thing, saved me a lot of money
I_am_the_Batgirl: You are adults, and a month is fast?
Wow. My husband and I apparently moved at light speed. I thought three dates was normal.
Zehla: I waited a year before letting my boyfriend sleep with me. I wasn't going to give my virginity to just anybody and figured if he was that patient he obviously didn't have ulterior motives. Our 7 year anniversary is this year :D
I_am_the_Batgirl: "Letting my boyfriend have sex with me"
Wow. You must be fun in bed. Sex is supposed to be a mutual thing, not something you withhold, then 'let' someone do.
Zehla: I never withheld it against his will, I made it known that I wasn't easy. And he was fine with that. I actually ended up wanting to before he did in the end. When we did finally "do it" it was in fact mutual. For me losing my virginity was a HUGE deal and I wanted to make sure I truly was in love first. That's not a fucking crime. Should I have put out to just any guy because it isn't fair to "withhold sex"? absolutely not. Waiting for the right one is not withholding sex. I don't owe ANY man my body; no woman does. If we don't want to, we should not be guilted into it.
I_am_the_Batgirl: No one said you should have put out.
The objection is to the word 'let.'
As in, "I made him wait a year before I **let** him."
If sex is something you're *letting* him do to you, I am going to bet that soon enough, if not already, there are women out there who would/have not only *let* him, but actually have a have a healthy attitude toward sex. They see it as something to enjoy together, not a reward.
And just so you know, "Withholding affection" is actually grounds for divorce. It is also known as alienation of affection. If you're not interested in a normal adult relationship with someone, let them go find someone who is.
Edit: Spelling
Zehla: A healthy attitude towards sex does not require someone to have sex before they are good and ready. You are making wildly incorrect assumptions about my relationship and I do not appreciate it.
I worded it badly. That doesn't make it true. What REALLY happened is he NEVER once pressured me or even brought it up. I'm sure he wanted it and thought about it (and we were doing other things) but he respected me enough to wait until we were both ready. And so, a year into our relationship, it finally happened, and it was awesome. I didn't *make* him wait a year - we decided to let it happen naturally and it just happened to take a year. Though I decided I was ready at about 9 months I think, but in a plot twist he was not ready so in reality I ended up waiting for him. We were both nervous awkward virgins so that's probably why it took so long. There was no foul play.
We've been together for seven years and counting and while I have turned him down due to being too tired etc I have NEVER withheld love or sex from him to get something I wanted. I am not that kind of girl, he is the first serious boyfriend I've had, my first love, and he means the absolute universe to me. We never fight and he is my best friend.
But you know what? I don't need to really justify my life to someone who doesn't even know me or give a damn about any of it. All you wanted to do was rile me up and unfortunately it worked. I worded it badly. That's all. I'm happy, he's happy, and we both know everything you've assumed about us is untrue. I truly hate it when someone attacks my relationship but I should just learn to let people say what they want, it doesn't affect us in the slightest.
I_am_the_Batgirl: That is a very long response for someone who is truly happy and doesn't care what anyone else thinks.
If what you are saying now is correct, then yes, you worded it extremely poorly to begin with.
It isn't really a plot twist that he wasn't ready. I don't know why people assume that every guy is emotionally ready for sex as soon as they figure out what it is.
As well, if your relationship is so great, how come you aren't married after seven years? Couples who wait a REALLY long time before getting married have twice the divorce rate of other couples.
Zehla: Well, I am an atheist and he's generally non religious - so marriage, being a usually heavily religious ceremony, isn't necessarily important to us. I also think he didn't want to rush into it because his parents split up - I think he wanted to be super sure we were never going to go "sour" and a lot of folks from his parents generation got married asap it seems - my own mom married right out of high school even, but that didn't last for her. So even I have been leery of the "marry after three years" rule just because it doesn't seem that three years is enough time for some people to correctly decide who to spend their life with. However if he'd asked me to marry him on our third year I'd be his wife by now lol.
We have decided to go and make it all official once we get some career related things out of the way. He's really into spiritualism/druidism (if that's the word for it) so he wants to get married on Halloween during the New Moon (roughly two years from now). Gives us time to plan and save some money up :D. Though we aren't planning on spending as much as the average couple does - we are outdoorsy so we're probably going to go to a national park or some such. I'm pretty sure even if we never did we'd still grow old together, but I admit it will be nice to introduce him as my husband one day :3
| 11 | 4.090909 | |
1401565272 | 1401574044 | t3_26z7ak | t5_2to41 | 14 | uchiha18: TIFU- I had sex after eating Indian Food.
So my girlfriend and I were hungry so we decided to eat some Indian food. And I do not know if it is the same for you folks, but Indian food always gives my girlfriend and I the shits afterwards. This particular restaurant however makes our stomach hurt 100x worst than other Indian restaurants, but we still go there because it's so damn good and cheap.
So after we are done eating, we're on my way home. We knew we'd be getting it on since my girlfriend was done with her period. Once I arrived home I knew I had to explode one. I run to the bathroom and try to hurry the hell up because I want some sexy time right now. As soon as I sit down, I burst all the shit out of my asshole. I do a quick wipe and I'm done.
I goto my room and my girlfriend and my dog are there. We relax on the bed and I'm laying with my stomach down and my damn dog keeps sniffing my asshole. He was putting his hole nose in my ass and my girlfriend keeps teasing me saying my dog smells the Butter Chicken and Biryani (Indian dishes) up my asshole.
After a few minutes we put him outside of my room so we can start doing it. The first position I was sitting on the edge of the bed, holding myself up with my arms. She was on top of me with her back and ass facing me as she rides me up and down. After more continuation of sex and switching up positions we finish.
We get up to get our clothes from the ground as my girlfriend points something on our bed. There was smears of shit on the fucking bed sheets. The edge of the bed where the first position started, had the darkest line of shit. There was also shit stains on my girlfriend's back. I tried to convince her it was the Reeses Cups that I had in my pocket prior to being naked, but she didn't believe me. She looked at my ass and saw poo on my cheeks and even little tiny tissue paper on my ass crack.
Now she won't stop teasing about it especially when we start having sex. BTW, she's the one who made me post this on reddit.
TL;DR: Left poopoo stains on the bed after sex.
Ticklemypicklee: I guess you had a shitty time...
Eat_The_Muffin: Must have been some shitty sex
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1401565108 | 1401568865 | t3_26z72j | t5_2to41 | 5 | Idiotic_Person: TIFU by being racist by accident. To my Girlfriend.
Before you go 'There is no excuse for being racist', I agree. I have no idea what was going through my fucking mind.
I am a sufferer of ADHD. Not that it's an excuse, but when someone insults me, I'll come out with something either really good or make no sense. Thankfully, due to my recently prescribed meds, I've become ALOT better at holding in the impulses.
So, we're talking through skype (We live 3 hours apart...) and we're joking around and taking the piss out of eachother. I think it went something like this :
Girl : 'Your face doesn't belong in this country!'
Okay, so. I think for a minute and think : How can I be the bigger man and not reply something hurtful? Because that's what I usually do, and it's just immature. I know, I'll say something completely off topic.
Me : 'At least I was BORN in this cooooouuuuntrrrrry...fuck!!'
Girl : 'What? What did you say? MOVING ON!!'
Oh, and did I mention, she's Indian? yeah, complete fuck up. Well done, my username suits me well.
She handled it pretty well, bless her. I have an amazing girlfriend. She just changed the subject, and I think she understood.
I love you, Tasha :/
Corenonthecob: I came here to say relevant username, but you covered that already...so I'll just be moving on.
Idiotic_Person: I deserved it.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1401570194 | 1401575063 | t3_26zegf | t5_2to41 | 45 | UltimateNiggerSlayer: TIFU by picking my nose on the toilet.
It was a busy day at work and Im one of those people who pick their nose rather than use a tissue. I normally don't pick it in front of others so I do it in the bathroom or where ever I'm alone. Today, I had to take a massive dump and decided to go knuckle deep while dropping the kids off. Unfortunately, when I wiped, there was a little smidgen of shit on the tip of my finger. Unknowingly, I jammed my finger into my nostril and smelt the foul stench of what I was cooking. No matter what else I put up there, I smelt shit for the rest of my shift and still do. I've tried nasal spray and the likes but the smell still lingers.
catawhat: It's only smellz.
el_crunz: Done in one
| 3 | 15 | |
1401571654 | 1401653748 | t3_26zgio | t5_2to41 | 33 | Haywe: TIFU by grabbing my falling soldering iron...between my fingers
Ye.. I'll keep it simple as it was:
Was practicing my solders, holding the soldering iron in an awkward position and the cable got stuck on the edge of the table. The soldering iron slipped, fell and, by instinct, grabbed it between the lower parts of my index finger and middle finger. I felt my skin sizzling. What an agonizing pain. I can't imagine how someone could bear the pain on larger scale accidents, i.e a house fire or a car accident.
**update** [blister](http://imgur.com/o4uxbyA). The other side is white but didn't form a blister
reverendjb: I've done this! Don't plan on having fingerprints for a little while.
Haywe: was worse than that! Was between fingers, in the sensitive part of the sides of the fingers! check the pic i added!
| 3 | 11 | |
1401549170 | 1401641507 | t3_26ylch | t5_2to41 | 15 | C4GoBoom: TIFU by shouting "Penis" at the top of my lungs during science class.
Kind of a short fuck up, but a fuck up none the less.
So today during science we were talking about bacteria or something like that. We got to talking about how some animals/bacteria move.
Now my teacher at some point said "...and they move through the water by rapidly moving their flagellum, what else does that?" The class was silent for maybe 5 seconds.
Now the answer was obviously sperm, but my brain just wnet "FUCK YOU!" and I shouted "Oh my god you guys are taking forever! PENIS!"
*Laughing begins*
69IDontCare96: How did the teacher respond to this?
C4GoBoom: She laughed.
1_man_wolfpack: If your teacher laughed at it was well is it really a fuck up haha? Just sounds like a solid joke to me.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1401575725 | 1401598073 | t3_26zluw | t5_2to41 | 79 | arbys_crapper: TIFU and shit my pants running errands with my 2 year old son
We had a baby 2 weeks ago so I thought I would get out of the house for a few hours with my son so my wife could relax. (the baby hardly does anything but eat and sleep)
11:30 - lunch at Arby's. No signs of trouble
12:00 - Walmart. Was there about an hour. Minor rumblings in the check out line but I thought it would be OK until we got home.
1:00 - Grocery store. More intense rumblings walking up the down the aisles, but my son is fussing and I just want to get my groceries and go home.
1:45 - Pumping gas. This is when it hits me. I go from 3/10 on the pucker scale to 9/10. I stop before my tank is full and get back in the car, hoping to make it to the Arby's next-door.
1:50 - In intense discomfort, I manage to get out of the car and start to unbuckle my son from his car seat when the levy breaks and I shit my pants. I'm wearing khaki shorts and it's running down my leg all the way to my socks. I should have just gotten back in the car and dealt with the mess at home but for some reason I thought it would be a better idea to try and clean up a bit in the Arby's bathroom. I'm sure at least 20 people saw me, hopefully nobody I knew.
[deleted]: Time to reset the counter...
DeputyTravisJunior: I think we almost made it a day this time
| 3 | 26.333333 | |
1401576703 | 1402713810 | t3_26zn4l | t5_2to41 | 11,868 | BangedBadger: Tifu by showering with my wife.
Today my wife decided that it would be a nice idea to take a shower together. We do it all of the time and it is a nice way to kick start our night together after work.
It was a typical shower which consists of her using all of the water with me being left in the cold waiting for my turn in the warm water.
After a while she decided to forfeit the water and let me have my turn. I grabbed my body wash off the shelf and proceeded to drop it. This is where I fucked up.
I quickly bent down to grab it. I bent at the knees remembering that it's bad for you to bend down to grab something only using your waist.
I was soon met with a painful sensation that I had never experienced before. The small push/ pull valve that changes the water from the faucet to the shower head penetrated my virgin ass.
The pain was unreal. The water changed from the shower head to the faucet. I shot up trying to get away from the metal knob that just violated me. Upon standing up the shower resumed.
I stood there in shock looking up at my wife. She witnessed the entire thing. She won't stop laughing at me about it. It hurts to sit.
TL;DR: Showered with my wife trying to put something in her. Ended up with something in me.
Edit: Wording.
It figures that my most successful post to date is about something metal entering my ass.
The Steve Byrne video: I have not seen it, I swear that this is true. I'm going to watch it with my wife tonight because if it is verbatim like some of you say she will get a good laugh from it.
NemesisDragon: You your wife and the shower. Its ok it was a threeway
BangedBadger: It's not gay when it's in a threeway.
xrCore: With a honey in the middle there's some leeway!
DrGaren: The area's grey in a one...two...threeway!
thatlazydude: Helicopter dick
professorgandalf: moms spaghetti
theoranget0m: Damn I haven't seen that comment in a while
ducstarr07: Now that you mention it.. Neither have I.
tommos: AND MY AXE!
FUCKING_HOSTILE: **MOM! THE MEATLOAF! FUCK!**
ihazcheese: Fuck me... Um, link?
XxXOpt1c_D0geXxX: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6mSK3pj5pg
there u go ;)
ihazcheese: Was not expecting that... I was expecting some fucked up story about a kid fucking his mom and the meatloaf burning... What have you done to me Reddit? :I
DetLennieBriscoe: I'm not positive but I think you might have overdosed on Reddit.
ihazcheese: Who doesn't though?
| 16 | 741.75 | |
1401576294 | 1401646231 | t3_26zmlv | t5_2to41 | 8 | Temporal_Sock_Pair: TIFU by not checking my speed (lengthy but TL;DR is included)
So im 18 and this is my last week of high school. One my friends was having his grad. party in a town about 45min away so i decided to go since i havent seen him in over a year.
Im goin down the highway where the speed limit is 65. I speed up to get around someone and don't realize two things 1) i entered a work zone and the limit is now 55 and 2) how fast i was actually going. I see the flashing lights in my rearview mirror and i think "okay its not for me" so i move into the center lane (i was in the far left) the officer moves over into my lane as well and my heart sinks.
I pull all the way over onto the shoulder and the officer gets out. He comes up to my window and asks the usual questions. When he asks if i know why i was pulled over i guessed speeding; he said yes and asked if i knew the limit on the highway which i said was 65, which was wrong and he pointed to a limit sign just a little ways up. He asks for my license and insurance and then comes back and i saw the citation sheet. He tells me i was doing 79 (yikes) and that he was going to cite me for speeding but not for speeding in a work zone which wouldve doubled my fine so i thanked him and was told my three options.
I got to the party and did the responsible thing and called my mom. Huge mistake. I now dont have a car for 3 days. Im going to the courthouse in a few days to tell the judge im going to defensive driving which i have to go to the class because my mom wont let me do it online and i have to call our insurance agent and ask how much the rates are going to go up because i was too stupid to look at my speed and slow the heck down.
TL;DR: got pulled over for speeding 24 miles over the 55 limit. Got a ticket and now my mom is extremely furious at me.
jdanna: hah when i was in high school i got pulled doing 120 in a 55. cop was cool, only wrote 100, and i went to court and they reduced it to 65. still had to pay a $500 fine tho.
all you have to do to beat a ticket is go to court dressed nice and say im sorry. they will always reduce it, and if its your first offense your basically guaranteed to get probation.
Temporal_Sock_Pair: The cop that pulled me over was nice because since it was a work zone it could've been double the fine but he just put speeding. I have to pay like a 100 dollar fine to take defensive driving but it wont go against my record
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1401579447 | 1401731002 | t3_26zqoe | t5_2to41 | 33 | fadedponds: TIFU by making a cancer joke
As a disclaimer, I'd like to say that my father died of cancer two years ago and I feel thusly entitled to make cancer jokes.
Today, I was at a biking event, dicking around with a friend of mine who has a similar sense of humour to mine. At one point, I commented on the colour of a tire sealant that's neon green, calling it radioactive green and saying it could give you cancer. My friend played off of that and started making similar comments about its cancerous properties. Heartless asshole I am, I proceeded to say that my father must have gotten cancer and died because he biked a lot and handled the sealant too much.
I didn't realise it at the time, but in the immediate vicinity there was someone whose mother had died of cancer three months ago. Apparently she doesn't share my sense of morbid humour and she was quite upset.
To make matters worse, that situation didn't happen just once. My dick friend and I made cancer jokes two other times in her presence before we realised how much we'd fucked up.
TL;DR My friend and I are assholes.
Idiotic_Person: Damn right you are,
Even if your dad died (which i'm sorry to hear.) that still doesn't entitle you to make jokes like that.
But my fuck up was along the same lines, so..
kylestephens54: Louis C.K. would disagree with you.
perro_de_oro: Louis C.K. is pretty much a dick. That's his act.
mrmcmaine: He's like bill burr but funny
TheWireQuotes: "Shots fired." -Various
| 6 | 5.5 | |
1401514043 | 1401583739 | t3_26xrac | t5_2to41 | 13 | RyGuy997: TIFU Typing in class
I was sitting in the back row of the library classroom along with a bunch of people, including a guy we're gonna call "B" (He's the guy who did the fucking up). Keep in mind the room was almost silent. So B was talking (whispering) to another guy next to to him about some girl, and not wanting to say it aloud, typed the phrase "Pussy Stank" into word and then deleted it. (We all had laptops out, as we were working on essays.) B had not written anything the whole class, so, when the teacher/librarian came by, he said that he had written ~500 words but deleted them due to wanting to start over. The teacher replies "Well, I want to see it anyway, even if you don't hand it in. Here, let me control-z to get it back." She does this, and the words "Pussy Stank" appear. Our whole row burst out laughing in this dead-silent room, the entire class turns around to look at us, and the teacher had to leave the room for a while, probably laughing herself.
PyrrhosD: Oh God, I was at work while reading this...
RyGuy997: You're welcome :D
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1401579046 | 1401586946 | t3_26zq62 | t5_2to41 | 42 | MoistAccident: TIFU by ghost riding my truck
I work graveyards, and came home from work with a nice headache. I grabbed my mail, and parked my truck. I sat there for a moment, sorting my mail, hopped out, and went up the stairway to my apartment. I started fiddling with my keys to unlock my door, when I hear it. I heard the sound of tires rolling on cement. To explain, my truck is a standard. For the first time in 8 years, I forgot to leave it in gear and put on the e brake. Maybe not the first time, but the first time of consequence. I turn my head to see my truck rolling backwards into certain peril. I drop everything but my keys, run down the steps, and somewhere between those actions I yelled "oh fuck!" My truck went down the steep hill of my apartment gaining even more speed. I'm running full speed - making receivers in the NFL that just caught the ball look like dogs with 3 legs. My truck enters the usually busy road, me chasing after it. It hits the median, and runs over the sign warning of said meridian. It loses a little speed, so I remotely unlock the doors and stop it. I drive back up, to see the damage was pretty substantial.
Luckily, no one was hurt. The right side of my bumper was hanging almost to the ground. My tailgate has a fat dent. So, being the owner of a truck that is somewhat poor, I take the redneck fix. Went to my parents, got a choker chain for dragging stumps out, chained one end 8 feet high on a tree, and the other to my bumper. After 15 minutes of me speeding to the end of the chain (causing my truck to come to a complete stop and lifting my back tire off the ground), my bumper is at a more acceptable height. I have a before and after picture, but I'll have to figure out how to add those later. I called a police dispatcher to inform them I had knocked over the sign. She laughed because no one ever reports they did it. She told me to call a number, and say SOMEONE hit it.
http://imgur.com/OtXEvcD
http://imgur.com/YhNYcfj
Edit: uploaded pictures of fuck up. Poor Nissandra.
morningtrain: This was a great story and I can't wait to see the pics. You really didn't fuck up, you have a great story now.
MoistAccident: You may not say that after seeing the images. They're up.
morningtrain: You did fuck up but you almost fixed it.
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1401582227 | 1401800602 | t3_26zu86 | t5_2to41 | 3 | IPoopedandPeed: TIFU by Shitting and Pissing on the Floor at a Party.
(I'm obviously using a throwaway, obvious reasons)
It was last night, not technically today, but it's still.... a fuck up....
It was a good party, I was drinking... **hard**
Suddenly, I had to poop, drunk me thought **hey, why not shit all over the floor, wouldn't that be fucking hilarious!?!**
So, I took off my pants and underwear and **pooped** on the floor, it was a big one too....
People were screaming and some were covering their mouths and laughing, I think some were recording it.
The owner of the house cussed me out, so I peed on him (I didn't have **that** much but it was a decent amount, I had to poop more than pee but, I pissed)
Anywho, shit hit the fan, figuratively, **but literally hit the floor,** and now there was piss on the host and the floor.
I had to poop a little more, and so I did.
I ended up collapsing.
I'm now hungover.
So... fun party.
Elori: Honestly if someone shat on my floor, I'd force them to eat it.
Username__Irrelevant: But surely that would just make more mess?
Elori: You would, but hey, dudes mouth is full of shit and is further discouraged from ever shitting on your floor again, so who is the real loser here? If it's carpet you lose just as much, if not, then it's easily cleaned up.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1401584674 | 1401610296 | t3_26zx5g | t5_2to41 | 22 | DesertPez: TIFU by shitting myself in a Safeway
So this happened a couple months ago..
I was just leaving my friends' house and wanted to stop and get some groceries near my house. I always go to the Safeway there because I enjoy their massive poundage package of bacon they sell and I was in the mean spirits for some breakfast food all week. Well, the old adage of not going to the grocery store on an empty stomach came clicking in my mind.
I stopped at the local diner and got a nice, hearty meal. It consisted of a juicy piece of chicken, mashed potatoes galore, veggies, and a salad. Everything was doused in gravy and butter and I had no shame in the 2 or 3 diet cokes I had as I stuffed my gullet. I left there feeling satisfied. I smoked a nice cig to calm myself before the 15 minute drive back to my neighborhood.
My drive consisted of stomach gurgling and I assume I have to take a shit when I get home. Ya know, normal stuff (I'm sure I have IBS or some shit because I swear my intestines are the size of a Brita filter). I got to Safeway, walked through the door, walked all the way back to my precious meats and cheeses, and the feeling hit me.
Well, no biggie, I'm a "I will poop where I want, for as long as I want" kinda guy, so I calmly walked to the opposite side of the store, all while I collected bread and milk because I mean, I'm passing them, might as well, right?
Nope. I got about 5 feet from the restroom door and my bowels are like NOPE CAN'T WAIT and I start to shit myself. I'm so close to a toilet that I'm not worried that much. I hopscotch my way to the door and realize there is a code to the bathroom. No. NO. WHY?! So I hobbled my slowly leaking pastry bag full of mashed potato self over to customer service, weaseled out a "bathroom? code?", received it, and hoped I didn't have to poopskate my way back to the bathroom.
I stayed in there for a good 30 minutes waiting for everyone to leave for enough time for me to take my underwear and throw it in the garbage can. Deeply hidden, mind you. I hopped out of there like a guilty puppy, found my cart, paid, and left in a dash.
I still shop there all the time and always wonder about the video footage they might have of me making chocolate milkshake all over my pants.
TL;DR IBS gave me the walkin' shits in the grocery store
Mr_Evil_MSc: It amazes me how little some people take care of themselves... anyway, I hope IBS/Gluttony goes okay for you, OP. Maybe look into that?
Also **RESET IT!!**
DesertPez: I may have a few extra pounds on me, but other than that, I'm a pretty healthy individual. I rarely drink, don't smoke cigarettes anymore, and eat healthy, and exercise regularly. After that incident, I changed my habits and am finally getting out of my massive depression since my mother's death. But thanks for your concern.
_NutsackThunder: As someone who has IBD, this was honestly caused by the shitty meal you had. It's pretty obvious if you have IBS/IBD/
Food swimming in gravy and butter/grease is just begging for some hershey squirts.
furutsu: Why, what does that stuff do? I thought that stuff was pretty normal.
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1401585905 | 1401588023 | t3_26zyoc | t5_2to41 | 63 | stubbytorso: TIFU by being a bitch to a bitch.
Last night the rehab I lived in for four months was hosting an alumni get together with the current residents to help motivate them in their program.
I was in the first wave of alumni to come by, so we introduced ourselves, told them when we graduated, and shared how long we have been sober. After that, we were free to mingle.
One of the women that came into program within the last three weeks of my stay there, came up to me. She had a horrible attitude problem, issues with the intense structuring within the program, and was really rude to everyone as a result.
She asked me how I was, and I said "Pretty good, thanks! How are you? ARE YOU STILL A BITCH?!" quite enthusiastically. I was mortified at what came out of my mouth, and had to play it up as if I was teasing her, when it was clear I wasn't.
She looked as if she didn't know whether to hit me or try to play along and laugh.
Logistikon: I was a complete bitch during the first... well, actually I was a bitch the whole 15 months I was at my facility. I changed my attitude AFTER getting out of the facility since it was really not a good place for me and my issues were related more to my immaturity and stubbornness.
After a lot of self-reflection, I accept that I was a bitch to a lot of people and I've made amends as much as possible, and I've changed. If someone asked me if I was still a bitch, it would just hurt me deeply. I wouldn't be angry, I would accept that I had been rude to them at an earlier point in my life, but it would remind me that at my core, I'm a horrible person and that's my biggest fear.
stubbytorso: That was my fear; that she would think that is all I thought about her. If I don't have anything nice to say, I don't say anything, so I was shocked that I said that to her.
It didn't help that she told me she broke down today in either group therapy or individual counseling...
Logistikon: It sounds like she's still in the middle of her journey. I hope she finds peace soon.
stubbytorso: Me too. I've definitely been there.
| 5 | 12.6 | |
1401585858 | 1401601792 | t3_26zym6 | t5_2to41 | 15 | KarmicWhored: TIFU by eating BBQ and drinking coffee afterwards.
Apparently the combination of the two causes your burps to taste EXACTLY like you have eaten a can of chewing tobacco. The first burp was so disgusting, I ended up throwing up the unholy combination uncontrollably. DO NOT COMBINE THE TWO!
LarryChavez: Instructions unclear. BBQ'd coffee with chewing tobacco.
KarmicWhored: BBQ + Coffee = a stomach full of chewing tobacco. Or at least it might as well be. Worst throw up of my life. Just trying to help others avoid my mistake.
LarryChavez: Haha I was just being a troll. Your lesson is clear, I will not make this mistake!
KarmicWhored: Ah, wasn't aware you were a troll. In which case yes, BBQ the coffee, indirect heat for 45-60 minutes with a cedar smoke, ideally wrapped in a palm leaf, and then roll it up in tobacco leaves and smoke that shit. No greater pleasure for a troll.
| 5 | 3 | |
1401590348 | 1401592191 | t3_27044i | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting high in my room.
I have a brother and parents who are not very fond of me smoking in the house. Well tonight I smoked in my room (albeit after putting a towel under the door and using a fan to blow smoke out the window), and spent the majority of my high being paranoid my family was on to me. I stood still in my room listening to their footsteps and anything they would say, instead of enjoying what probably would have been a good high.
LiberDeOpp: Just smoke outside
terps973: My parents would have known I went outside to smoke, they don't really like me smoking in general.
LiberDeOpp: So what's the advantage other than the fact you like it? You like to masturbate would you listen to your parents footsteps to get away with it? On second thought don't answer that.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1401591276 | 1401688192 | t3_27056w | t5_2to41 | 4 | Vineo: Tifu by taking college algebra online
I am horrible at math and if I drop the class I could lose my financial aid.
vapiddiscord: Pay someone good at math to take it for you. It's online so who would know.
1_man_wolfpack: Probably can't do that, because at least at my college, all the work is online, but like 90% of your grade is a he exams, which you have to go into a testing center to take.
ACreepyThrowaway: Everything was online at my school, exams included.
However I gave up on online math once I got to intermediate algebra. Easier just to go to class for an hour a day.
| 4 | 1 | |
1401593399 | 1401655744 | t3_2707o7 | t5_2to41 | 99 | farewellandgoodbye: TIFU anally prolapsing myself via diarrhea.
Throwaway for self-deprecating reasons.
To preface the title, I'm fine. Seriously. Although it was painful, it subsided and with my physician's guidance I pray that it doesn't happen again.
I work early morning shifts on the weekends to spend more time with my family and friends in the afternoon and evenings. Near the end of my shift I felt a horrible sensation: diarrhea. The source? Curdled milk I drank the day before
(which I sorely regret but was unaware of at the time). By curdled milk I don't mean a glass. I mean I jugged at least half the carton out of personal spite of not getting enough milk (this is a thing). So, my body is sending out those "diarrhea vibes" and I clock out ten minutes early. No one suspects a thing.
The drive home was horrible but as soon as I reached my home the symptoms became worse. So here I am, in the washroom, shitting my self-pity into a porcelain bowl that's doing its job. The storm calms for a few minutes and then I go for another sail.
Then it hits.
Not a hurting sensation. But a sound. You can call it a squeal - mix of a cicada, Gary Busey and the usual shitting resonance. I check the bowl as usual to see if everything's fine. And it is, so I continue shitting with the continuous squeal - which piqued my interest.
After a good half hour of personal reflection and contemplation, I go in for the wipe. And that's when I realize my anus prolapsed. I thought it was shit. Picture my feeble attempts to wipe what I assume was my Cadbury feces only to realize I'm WIPING THE INSIDE OF MYSELF. And that's when the pain hit. It was extremely sore. I assumed it was the aftermath of the diarrhea. After calming myself down, I carefully clean myself up and awkwardly call my physician. At his office he manages to, uh, re-insert my anus (I was too fucking afraid) and it hurt like a bitch. Afterwards he advised me to not take serious shits, we shook hands and I drove back home.
And no, this wasn't the first thing I did when I got back. I swear.
Sinuousity: Had to shake his hand, didn't you?
Bfcishard: Certainly hope he washed it first.
Eat_The_Muffin: I don't think he did
| 4 | 24.75 | |
1401594080 | 1401641642 | t3_2708jd | t5_2to41 | 10 | hawkes1: TIFU By having my bestfriend beat up!
So pretty much we went out with a few girls caught the bus home with them, and we'd just been to Mcdonalds (the best place to take a lady of course.) and one of them finished their drink and asked for where the bin was, being the rebellious teen I am, I decided to respond with "I'll just throw it out the window don't worry" As I threw the strawberry milkshake worth £1.50 ($2.00) for Yall 'mericans, I noticed it was heading towards which looked like a jogger or athlete so to speak, It hit them straight in the head all over their clothes. The worst part was the bus stop was about 50 meters ahead of us, and someone pressed the button to stop, I looked at the man, he began to run, quickly, very fucking quickly, towards the next bus stop, I ran off the bus as it stopped but as I looked over my shoulder I noticed something odd, he was getting on the bus, As the bus went past me I looked to where we was sitting only to see my friend, best friend getting the shit kicked out of him against the window. I never heard from these girls again, and my best friend has a broken nose.
trecool88: you hung your boy out to dry! what the fuck bro? next time take the ass kicking like a man!
hawkes1: I thought he was running with me!
trecool88: Lol poor bastard!
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1401594175 | 1401641835 | t3_2708mv | t5_2to41 | 321 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating (fapping) and getting caught by the Wife
FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!
Alright... for those who don't know, your days of pulling the penis don't end with marriage. Your schedule just changes around date night.
Saturday night 10pm (tonight) and it's time to see what Zafira and her girlfriends will do for money. I go downstairs into my office/masturbation chamber and close the door. I live in a large house and this room is pretty isolated down a long hallway on the bottom level. Fap-zone.
I turn on the computer, grab some lotion, and go to work. Wife is not home, so I turn up the volume because I like to get involved in the story line. The sight of Zafira's lips have Mr. Wiggle standing tall in seconds, never mind that her housemate just lost her boyfriend and feels lost and unloved. Zafira caresses and kisses her. My nut sack tightens beneath my shaft and I'm getting closer to DefCon One.
Suddenly my wife walks in.
Now, I have a 32 inch monitor. I am always on guard against screen burn-in, having ruined a previous monitor by not properly setting the screen saver. So this one is set to go off in 1 minute and show photos from my gallery if no activity is present on the keyboard or mouse.
Wife is standing in the doorway aghast at my pants around my ankles and my cock securely embraced with both hands like I'm trying to pull Excalibur from that rock.
"What the fuck?"
I immediately pause the video by hitting the mouse. I scramble to find something to cover up with. No bullshit, the first thing I grabbed was my stapler and immediately slammed it against my balls. That hurt. I finally pull my shorts up while trying to talk my way out of the situation.
My wife stomps through the doorway, now curious to see what I am whacking it to and...
My screensaver starts and her best friend's smiling picture appears. Her friend has a big smile on her face, you can see some cleavage, and to be fair it is kind of sexy.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" she screams.
I hit the space bar to try and get out of the screensaver but the damage is done. She turned around a left.
It's 11:40pm and I still haven't gone back upstairs. No, I did not finish.
TLDR; Saturday fap sessions ruined by wife, slammed my nuts with a stapler, wife thought I was jerking off to her best friend's photo. Fuck me.
EDIT: clarity
UPDATE: Yup she's pissed. Sleeping on couch.
UPDATE: Explained to her this morning what it was she saw on my monitor. She rolled her eyes, then asked me what I was yanking it to. I said lesbian porn. She said, "Figures. Next time lock your door." Well, no shit.
_NutsackThunder: Why the fuck do you have her best friend as your screen saver?
mfsg7kxx: He said it was one of those screen savers that pulls up pictures from your gallery. Or at least that's what I got from it. I seriously doubt how wife's best friend's picture is explicitly set as his screen saver.
i_like_stuff_do_you: | one of those screen savers that pulls up pictures from your gallery
How perfect if it had been a picture of his wife; and how much worse it could've been.
Styluxi: >how much worse it could've been.
Picture of their daughter
SlickRick_theRuler: Picture of the family dog?
epiphany_cookie: Something something Colby 2.0
| 7 | 45.857143 | |
1401594854 | 1401606692 | t3_2709db | t5_2to41 | 11 | madeofchemicals: TIFU- I used my PAX vape in front of casino security.
So background story, I was playing poker in the casino on a $1/$3 table with $100-$300 buy in and I got dealt three hands in a row that put me a little on tilt.
Hand 1 - I had pocket kings (KhKd), I was big blind with $120, 6 players of 9 called $3 so I bet $15 and two players called. The person right in front of me with about $300, the under the gun position will be referred to as UTG and the button with about $200, or last to act after the flop. Anyways flop is (3h,5s,jc) so I check, so I can check raise. UTG bets out $45, Button folds and I push all in for $105. I get called and I double up, He doesn't show his hand.
Hand 2- I get dealt pocket aces (AhAs), this time I am small blind and only the button called, so I raise $15 preflop, the UTG calls and button folds. The flop is (3c,5c,9c) I bet out $24, UTG immediately calls. Turn is (10c). Board is now (3c,5c,9c,10c) I know I'm fucked so I check. UTG bets out $25 I fold and I ask if he flopped the flush or turned it and he flips over (Ac 2c)
Hand 3- I get dealt (QhQd), this time I am the button. UTG folds, the next guy min raises to $6 and the guy right before me makes it $22. The guy that had three bet had been playing really tight. So I'm thinking be careful with this guy. I call the $22 and so does the guy with the initial min raise. The flop is (2c,3s,9d). Looks like a pretty awesome flop, but I am super cautious with the tight player. He bets $120 all-in and I take about 1 minute and finally fold and show what I was folding to him. He shows me (AhAd) and compliments me for an awesome fold.
This is where I fucked up. I was on tilt so I decided to pull out my PAX and walk around the casino to get my mind off those three big hands in a row. I vaped and blew out the vapor right in front of the security guard and decided to go into the gift shop to buy an energy drink. They didn't have the original monster so I said fuck it and decided to just get water. As I am walking out there are 4 security guards right out the gift shop and at least 4-6 others approaching me and blocking all exits.
The security guard that saw me asked me for ID and began questioning me. He said I was on federal property and it was illegal even with my medical card. He wanted me to sit in the back and I asked if I was being detained and he told me it is up to the casino manager. He said since I was cooperative with him and that I seemed fairly nice and wasn't giving him a hard time he was just going to escort me out the casino. I let them know I had chips on the poker table and got that cashed out. I could here him and 3 others talking on their walkie talkies about what direction I was going. Kinda scared the shit out of me since I didn't have my medical card on me and it was at home.
One guard insisted that I go to my car to drive off and in my head I was thinking fuck that I have a friend picking me up. I went to 3 restaurants to let the time pass. Only ordered drinks, but I was paranoid of running into a sheriff or cop. Anyways I got to my car and drove home and was finally relieved to write it here on reddit. :]
TLDR: I got on tilt playing poker and went on a walk in the casino to vape weed and got kicked out.
Update #1, I called their gaming commission (it's one of California's indian casinos) like they asked me too, and apparently I'm banned until review. Whatever that's supposed to mean.
CONSCIOUS_BEING: It could've been worse. They very well could have taken you to a dark room, where you had to fight for your life, while stoned.
madeofchemicals: I know, I was thinking just like the movie 21. But I told them my poker story and they actually were really chill people. The guy that caught me was 6'3 ish and was about 350. All the other guards were about 6'0-6'6 and easily 200+. I am 5'10 150, It was not in my favor. haha
CONSCIOUS_BEING: Idk if you mentioned it or not, are you welcome back there?
madeofchemicals: They went from saying it could be a lifetime ban to a 24 hour ban when they asked the poker pit bosses about me. I'm a regular there, and they said I was never a problem.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1401595454 | 1401659095 | t3_270a2a | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by ordering a oysters this time of year.
The oysters seamed creamy, so later I googled it.
Basically, I was eating oyster sperm and eggs.
It turns out that on the summer months, it's mating season and they get like this.
CONSCIOUS_BEING: Specifically why I don't eat sea food.
_NutsackThunder: Avoid months with R at the and
CleverGrl: Opposite of this. Oysters spawn in the summer months, which leave them watery, thin and less flavorful. "Months that end in R" occur in the Fall/Winter and you'll get a plumper, flavorful oyster.
_NutsackThunder: I had Oysters in January and they were insanely delicious, not water or thin. Fresh out of the Ocean, too.
| 5 | 2 | |
1401597348 | 1401600016 | t3_270c4f | t5_2to41 | 9 | deniska10: TIFU by blow drying my penis
Where do I begin... Well, I'll start with my schedule. My normal day schedule was, wake up, have a Skype lesson (homeschooled), have about 3 hours to study or go online to look up videos, depending on how I manage my day. Then I go dance (professional ballroom dancer) and come home around 8. Some times around 11. My showers started being at 7pm . Then gradually moved to 10pm. And later on I showered at like 2 in the morning. So then I got lazy and now I showers when I wake up, and before I do anything else. Now, I am an absolute ass when it comes to mornings. My coffee and me need to have mixed before anyone interacts with me. I don't control my sarcasm the least bit, or my in appropriate jokes either. So, I get out of the shower, and decide to screw around and blow-dry my dick, for shits and giggles. My girlfriend walks in, laughs and asks me,"The hell are you doing?!". Now, had I been prepared for what my dumb fucking brain planned to say next... I respond with this, "Heating up breakfast." I didn't even believe myself when I said it. I remember I said that and though that I had read it somewhere, but to actually use it... So, a couple seconds go by of silence, and my girlfriend leaves. She hasn't come back all day and she isn't really responding to my texts. -sigh-
TL;DR : Blow-drying penis. Girlfriend walks in. Asks what I'm doing. I say "heating up breakfast". I'm an idiot.
adrenal_out: I am a girl. You are hilarious!!! Just don't make it sizzle. :)
_NutsackThunder: Oh my god I'm a gender too!!
| 3 | 3 | |
1401597335 | 1401727222 | t3_270c41 | t5_2to41 | 29 | AGuyNamedTy: TIFU by playing Apples to Apples
So TIFU by playing Apples to Apples. I'm home for the weekend from college and I figured it would be fun to play a game of Apples to Apples with the family. We start playing and there's some witty banter that is going on while playing the game. Everyone's making fun of everyone, and none of its meant to be taken seriously. The card "Clueless" comes up, everyone plays their cards and a winner is chosen. My brother makes a light-hearted comment that my mother would have been the perfect card to play for that scenario. My mom plays right into it unintentionally and wonders why she would be the perfect card. My brother and I burst out laughing thinking that she's playing along. She wasn't. She gets a sad look on her face and says she's done playing. My brother and I don't really understand what's happening as she leaves the table. She goes into her room and slams the door, and we can hear her start to cry. I feel absolutely awful, there are not many worse feelings that you can have than making your own mother cry. I have no idea how to go about apologizing. I feel like the biggest piece of shit.
**TL;DR: I made my mom cry tonight playing Apples to Apples and feel like shit because of it.**
a_survivor: I never comment but it seems noone else gave you any good advice, so here you go.
Go to your mom and say, "Sorry Mom. I was just trying to tease you a little, I didn't mean anything serious. You're not clueless, me and [brother] were just laughing because we are always trying to get away with things - and you, the parents, are always trying to stop us!"
Then give a lighthearted example. "Like that time you caught us..." Viola, you're in the clear.
AGuyNamedTy: Ended up getting her some chocolate and a hand-written card, then talked to her the next morning. Things are good now, but man I don't wanna go through that again.
a_survivor: Good to hear. Yeah, best way to address a miscommunication that accidentally touches on a very sore spot for someone is to address it head on and get out in front of the problem.
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1401598839 | 1401630049 | t3_270dqd | t5_2to41 | 8 | horny_trucker: TIFU my ass got penetrated too
About a year ago I drove over 1,000 miles straight to have time to stop and see me girlfriend at the time. I was dead tired when I got there but still found the strength to satisfy her for about 2 hours before passing out while she went to the bathroom. About 20 minutes later I woke up with her 12" MONSTER COCK vibrator buried in my ass. I went to jump up and as soon as my privates cleared the bed she flipped up under me and started blowing me while ramming her vibe in and out of my ass. In sheer shock I froze for about 30 seconds and that was all it took to blow the biggest load of my life.
Now when I say biggest load of my life I freaking mean it. My girlfriend had nerve damage to her throat during a tonsillectomy when she was 8 years old and had NO GAG REFLEX......until I blew my load.....pretty sure she had cum cumming out of her eyeballs and ears and oh yea she chocked big time and almost puked on my balls before I pulled out and cum when flying all over me, her, the bed, the floor, the walls, etc.
Bfcishard: And should be tagged NSFW
McMezmer: Were you expecting something else based on the title and username?
Bfcishard: Certainly wasn't expecting graphic sexual content. Guy bending over in the shower, ok, guy describing in detail one of his sexual conquests, not so much, especially when it's not TIFU material.
Also, rule #6. All NSFW posts must be tagged.
horny_trucker: Sorry I forgot to tag it....I was really tired when I posted....
infinite012: Tired enough to get a reddit dick in your butt.
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1401598927 | 1401600684 | t3_270dtr | t5_2to41 | 46 | Gallifryer: TIFU by masturbating
So I'm new to masturbation. I've tried fucking myself with random objects around the house, like pens and shit (not actual shit.) In my room I have these magnetic letters that spell my name. I decided to put one in my pussy. I thought it was funny that I could just put things inside of me, so I put another one in. When I took it out the first one came out fine but the second one was stuck. I was scared because I didn't know how to get the thing out of me, but it so far up my vagina that I could barely feel it. After a half hour of sitting on the toilet with my finger stuck up my crotch I was able to get it out.
Thank god I did or else that would have been and awkward conversation with my mom.
witchling_22: How old are you?
Assbutt_Winchester: *cough*thirsty*cough*
witchling_22: Actually, I'm a woman, who has had to hide masturbatory endeavors from her mother, and can probably help OP, in a non *thirsty* way, asshat.
Assbutt_Winchester: ... ^^i ^^apologize .__.
witchling_22: Apology sincerely accepted :-) have your upvote back.
Assbutt_Winchester: And have yours back too. Seriously, I didn't realize you were a woman trying to help.
witchling_22: No biggie, 90% of reddit assumes I'm a guy LOL
| 8 | 5.75 | |
1401596292 | 1401886881 | t3_270ayx | t5_2to41 | 100 | [deleted]: TIFU by how I reacted to someones suicide attempt.
I'm not proud of it but it's important to the backstory.. back when my friends and I were all in our late teens, I used to turn off the politically correct filter and exaggerate my opinion of things. Typical late-teen stuff where it is your opinion but it's an extremist version of your opinion designed to provoke a reaction. Stuff like a ten minute rant about how it was impossible to like strawberry milkshakes unless there was something wrong with you, when you really just mean "I prefer chocolate".
Anyway, I had just found out that my aunt swallowed a bunch of pills in one of those cry for help suicide attempts. My family were naturally concerned and we were supportive as she went through it. A few days later I caught up with a friend I hadn't seen in about a week and we grabbed fast food before I drove him home. So we are sitting in the car having lunch and I start talking about my aunt with my filter turned off.
I was super blunt about it, trying to draw him into a debate on the topic. I'm all like "pills is just attention seeking".. "they don't really mean to do it".. "then their liver is all screwed up when they change their mind". My friend is acting a bit weird so I feel like I haven't made my point strongly enough, so I launch into round two.. "if you are gonna do it just do it, don't screw around with pills for attention". You get the idea.
My friend is now acting super weird, he is agreeing with me in that grunting way where you know he just wants you to STFU, but he is trapped in the car cause I'm his ride home. I'm oblivious, so I carry on with my rant getting worse and worse until I drop him off. It was a good 30 min of an extremely over the top rant on it all.
Turns out that he wasn't around the previous week because he just got out of hospital after swallowing a bunch of pills in a suicide attempt. He had confided in one of our friends the day before. I didn't know until about a month later.
---
Edit: I agree with you guys saying it's a dick thing to say, that's why I posted it. I posted it because it's one of my lifetime biggest fuckups and I'm aware that I fucked up, I felt so horrible. This happened more than fifteen years ago, I apologised as soon as I found out and it wasn't a big problem between us, we are still friends. He never fucked up as badly but he had is own moments over the years too.
_NutsackThunder: Dude, you're an asshole. I hope to whatever you believe in that you don't act like that to your Aunts face.
Even if it *is* for attention (which it probably isnt) you are in a much better mental place than she is.
Shut the fuck up.
Talamand: I'm assuming you had one of those episode?
I too agree that suicide is a way out for the weak, nothing is more precious than life, even if it is a hell, it is still life.
I would have reacted the same way as the OP did, if my aunt had attempted suicide, I would even go there and confront her and even get physical (not really).
Think of his point of view!
_NutsackThunder: Confronting someone is stupid. It makes people who do this just even more sure that you are just concerned about how YOU feel, not them.
Suicide attempts arent about anyone else but the person attempting.
Talamand: Have you actually read some case studies?
_NutsackThunder: Two friends killed themselves and I had a rough patch myself when I was a teenager
Talamand: Sorry to hear that.
My point to your previous comment still stands. You had 2 friends that committed suicide, but still, only 2 around 10 million **non-fatal** attempted suicides every year vs. 1 million **fatal** suicides.
I think this little statistical detail tells a major part of the story, meaning most of the attempts are probably to draw attention. One with the means to end their life goes and does it, one with the mans to draw attention is not even nearly prepared enough to take their own life, unlike the previous.
At least, this is my point of view and this is why I think most of the people that attempt suicide are just seeking attention.
_NutsackThunder: To say seeking attention, I don't think that's it
I think most of these are cries for help, which is much different than just trying to seek attention. Individuals who do this are not in a good mental place either way, and I like to think the best of people when they have issues like this.
They just need help, but don't want to ask or admit it- so they do something like this to finally get it.
| 8 | 12.5 | |
1401599950 | 1401611420 | t3_270ev0 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by inviting a 3rd along for a trip
My fiance and I had bought an extra ticket for an upcoming festival so we could sell it for a profit. Instead of doing so we decided last minute that it would be a good idea to invite this chick we met online(we are in an open relationship) to come along with us. To our surprise the chick was on board and she met at our house, loaded into the car and off to Vegas we went.
Once we arrived and got settled into our hotel room we indulged into some edibles and off we were for the strip. After having tons of laughs and dinner we were far to stoned to continue so we ventured back to our hotel room.
After the long trek back to the room we got right into bed. The chick we brought along got in first, to the far right of the bed. Mind you that for the last 6 years, my fiance has always slept to the right of me. My fiance didn't know her as well as I did so she had me get into the middle and my fiance to the left. I awoke early in the morning around 5am to the girl making bed on the couch, she said she had a nightmare and would sleep out there. Weird I thought but whatever and went back to sleep. Woke back up around 10am and was far more coherent to ask her what happened and if I had anything to do with it. She said nope that it was just the dream so I thought awesome and went on with the rest of the trip as if everything was fine.
It wasn't.
After a whole other day there and a drive back we arrive back home, give hugs and off she left back to her home. I receive a text the next day that she respects my fiance and that her and her and I shouldn't have a sexual relationship. What the fuck is the only thing that can form in my mind. We were all stoned the whole weekend but I don't think my memory could have been effected that bad.
Showing my fiance the text is the first thing I do. "What do you think this is about?" I asked. This look of "OH SHIT" comes across her mind. Her eyes grow this size I haven't seen before and she looks me dead in the eyes and says "I think you must have thought she was me! Fuck she slept to your right!" confused I question what she's saying. "In the past you have woken me up mid sleep, touching me and for sex. I thought it was cute and never mentioned it." Holy shit! My heart is racing at the embarrassment.
Much texts between us all and the conclusion came up to be that the girl we invited along thought I was trying to get with her behind my fiances back. Me not remembering it I went about the rest of the trip as if everything was a-ok looking like the worlds biggest douche to this chick.
She was super cool and we likely will never hear from her again. TIFU.
TL;DR Invited a chick we met online along for a trip. She slept on the side my fiance normally does. Thinking she was my fiance mid sleep and stoned I touched her. Having no memory the next morning of it I went about the rest of the trip riding a douche canoe. I done fucked up.
NightGod: So, your fiance is completely understanding and fine with it and a girl who doesn't live close to you thinks you're a creeper?
Yeah, the situation could be far worse.
Vegasfuckup: Sorry, forgot to mention that my fiance and I are in an open relationship and the girl who came along had knowledge of that. Edited, thanks.
NightGod: Even given that context, I feel like things could have ended up far worse (and possibly far better if she hadn't gotten creeped out). But in the grand scheme of things, I think it turned out pretty OK.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1401596762 | 1401610368 | t3_270bhc | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by shitting my pants at work
So it's about 3 o'clock at work and I get a rumbling in my stomach. Knowing I'm about to take an epic shit, I let my coworker know I'll be right back and go to the bathroom.
So I begin releasing my feces and I would describe the texture as similar to yogurt, not firm or loose, just spongy and wet. Now I have a very hairy ass and often times chucks of shit will stay lodged around my asshole. Usually I can feel them there and wiggle them into the toilet. This time I kind of felt like something was there and wiggled away for a good 5 minutes. Thinking I was in the clear, I stood up to wipe.
Now don't ask me why but for my first wipe I opted to stroke downward. Next thing I know I hear a loud "plop". I was immediately horrified. I have had chunks of shit land on my briefs before and knew right away. Hoping it wasn't too bad, I look down at the damage. My jaw hit the floor.
An ENORMOUS chunk of gooey yogurt shit had landed. Everywhere. On my underwear, slacks, shoes. I take off my underwear and throw it in the trash. Now Im in the stall with shit all over my slacks and no way to clean it. I start having flashbacks of the time I shit my pants at karate class when I was 8 and the stall had no door, so all these karate students would walk by and stare at me.
I tried my best to clean it with wet toilet paper but it was no use. I rubbed some liquid soap on it and walked back out. I was in the bathroom for an hour.
I get to my desk and I can smell the shit. I tucked my leg as far inside my desk as possible and didn't move an inch until it was time to go home.
Did I mention the coworker of mine was a cute girl I was trying to hook up with? For some reason, we never did hook up.
Harlequinphobia: I've read your work before! You wrote a review on the Haribo Sugar free gummy bears on Amazon right?
datass86: this is a true story and the first time ive ever written something like this.
I didn't even know haribo makes sugar free gummy bears but those must wreak havoc on the bowels
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1401608456 | 1401634153 | t3_270m0u | t5_2to41 | 6 | shouldakeptmymoney: TIFU by mishandling a traffic accident
I was driving somewhere and was stopped at a light. The light changes to green, and the car in front of me punches it to go. I ease off the brake and start to accelerate, and suddenly, the car in front of me slams on her brakes. I run right into her. "Shit!" I cry. Then, upon reflection that my 2 year old son (a total parrot) is buckled in his car seat behind me, I quickly correct myself: "Shoot!"
I unbuckle my seatbelt, turn off the car, roll the windows down halfway so that my son doesn't melt. I open the car door to get out, and suddenly I see the car I'd hit peel out and drive away, turning left at the light. She looked back at me as she turned and hollered something out her open window. I couldn't tell what she said, but I figured she was pulling over in a less-congested street so we didn't have to trade our information in the turning lane of a busy thruway. Smart, I thought.
But, when I turned to follow her, she was nowhere in sight! I should have just turned around, but some niggling little voice inside me insisted that I keep driving, that maybe I'd see her - I needed to do the right thing, after all - the accident had been my fault (I guess, I rear-ended her).
I drove another block and turned onto another busy-ish street and tried to scan the cars. I was about to give up and turn back around to continue on my way when I saw her going the other direction, coming back towards me. She stopped her car next to me and asked out her open window "Did you hit me?" Automatically, I answered truthfully and said yes, I had, and I asked if she wanted to chat. She says yes, and we pull into a nearby parking lot - of a local fire department, as luck would have it.
She gets out and I get out, and my car is totally fine. Her car looks awful - big dent in the middle of her trunk, and bumper is all janky. She was a young woman, I estimated around 20, beautiful figure and crazy outfit - MC Hammer pants, a Madonna-style bra-top, sparkly shoes, big violet-tinted super tight curly hair, nice face with carefully applied makeup. Tattoos on both arms, under her breasts on her rib cage, neck, arms, etc., mostly words/letters. As she approached me, I ask if she is OK and notice that she is noticeably shaking. My maternal instincts kick in and I start feeling bad for her. Of course she's terrified! Car accidents are scary!
She starts telling me something about how she had prayed to God this morning that nothing would happen to her today, that she was on her way to her nephew's birthday party, that she was only 17, that she took off because she didn't know what to do, that she didn't want to handle any of this with insurance or anything, that if I could just give her some money, like $100, then she would consider it good, etc. Here, my maternal instincts ceded a bit to my bullshit-detecting instincts.
At this point my son started clamoring for my attention from the backseat. The girl hadn't noticed him until then and she was absolutely fascinated with him. He, curiously enough, was super special with her, too - smiling and laughing and blowing her kisses and it was super cute. Then she said she was pregnant, that she hadn't decided if she wanted to keep the baby, that she knew it was a blessing but that she was only 17, that she was in school and wanted to become a nurse but that a baby would interrupt her studies. My bullshit-detector is sounding full-blast by this point, but my rational mind is calmly explaining to the bullshit detector that this accident is my fault.
The girl continues to ramble, and I notice her suggested price has increased to be $100-200. To my astonishment I find myself saying "well maybe more than $200, you won't be able to get it fixed for that price."
I tell her that I don't have any cash, but that I can go to an ATM and meet her. She says, "Well, can I just ride with you?" "Sure," I say. So she gets her phone from her car (iPhone with a cracked screen, I noticed), and looks at her trunk and says she needs to get something out but that she is afraid to pop it because she might not be able to close it again. She decides whatevs, let's go.
We head over to a nearby supermarket with an ATM. On the way, she is gushing over my kiddo, how cute he is, how smart he is, inquiring about our child care options, etc. She offers her services as a babysitter, and tells me she'll leave her number. She says it's clear that I'm a good mom because my son is so smart, blah blah. Keeps talking about God and how she'll pray for me every single day and she is so grateful that I came back to look for her and then stopped, that other people wouldn't have done that for her, etc.
By this time, I just feel a little dirty. I can't wait for this uncomfortable bullshit-filled transaction to end. We all get out of the car, and she is having a party with my son. He is happily holding her hand and doing all those super sweet two-year-old-kid things that kids do the adults they most adore. For some reason, even though I know that she is not telling the truth, probably about anything, this fact makes me feel better.Like she couldn't be all horrible if my son loved her so much. Right?
I go to the ATM (after handing her a $20 on the way in to get herself a drink), withdraw $400, meet her at the checkout, and then we leave and return to our cars. We both get out of the car, she thanks me all over the place again, tells me she'll pray for me every day, that no one would do this for her, she is so thankful, etc. I try to shrug off the oily aspect of her words, and ask her just to pay it forward to the next person when it comes time to do the right thing. She solemnly swears to do so.
She gets in her car, drives away, I get in my car and leave too. Suddenly, I feel ashamed of giving her money. It is apparent that the story stinks. Also, I suddenly realize that the huge dent in the trunk is not anything that my car could have inflicted - it was tall/high, and vertical in nature - as if she'd run into a pole. My car's bumper had no visible damage, my airbags didn't deploy, her's didn't either, no way a dent that large would have not caused further airbag action. So now I am starting to feel stupid.
As I drive, I begin feeling more and more stupid. My "too-nice disease" as an old friend called it, had kicked in again and I'd fallen hook line and sinker into trying to do the right thing - at whatever cost. I am ashamed of the decision, and regret not having just kept driving. If she drove away, it's her problem, right? Should have been? Gah. Now, I've commented the accident to a few important people whom I adore, including my husband. However, I wasn't truthful, and just omitted the whole part about finding the lady. Now I feel dumb/naive, AND bad for being dishonest about the whole thing.
Should I feel like such an idiot? Could someone help me put a positive spin on this so I can stop beating myself up over what a tool I am and about always managing to get punked because I assume the rest of the world is nice and sweet and honest like me...? Thanks for listening.
TL;DR: Hit a car, the car drove away, I saw the car a few minutes later and ended up handing the driver $400 in cash to "fix her car" - then later realized that my car hadn't even caused the damage to her car. Heavy sigh.
anonymousforever: in the heat of the moment, if you didn't realize that the car in front of you was already damaged, then you just got taken - using the fact that you were more worried about your child than external details to make sure that you wouldn't notice that their car was already messed up and to get you to pay. Also likely they didn't have insurance, to get you to just give them free money. Plus, with all the traffic cams around these days, if you had fought giving any money and insisted police be called, and traffic cams be reviewed since they took off and slammed on brakes - possible insurance fraud/threats etc - then they'd likely change tune about cash demand. An uninsured 17 yo would face charges in an instance like that. You got had. sorry. ALWAYS call the cops in the future.
[deleted]: this this this. Some situations you can try to deal with yourself, but never a traffic accident. ALWAYS call the cops and get stuff documented. NEVER ADMIT that it was your fault, let the insurance companies decide.
| 3 | 2 | |
1401609547 | 1401654900 | t3_270mqb | t5_2to41 | 350 | cyberx60: TIFU: I dropped my son on his head.
This does not contain anything about sex or shit. Figure I'll either make frontpage or get lynched.
This was not today, but 4.5 years ago. My oldest son was about 6 months old. I really liked playing with him and being a great dad. Thought I had the whole "dad" thing going well.
It all started with innocent little 180s. I'd grab him under the armpits, give him a little toss while twisting him around and then catch him under the armpits again. He absolutely loved it. Well like I'm going to stop when he busts a gut every time. I started doing fast 180s. Like right after I catch him I toss him again. He just friggin loves it.
Naturally I just have to outdo myself so we go for a 360. Little bit harder, but I'm pretty coordinated, so it all goes smoothly. He's still totally loving it. I cap it here. Our 360 degree relationship goes on for a few weeks.
I don't remember why, but one day I decided to step it up not one, but two notches. Why not go for a 720? My 360 performance has been flawless and he loves it. We warm up with a few 360s and then I fire him up there. I have it timed perfectly. I can see the catch happening as he's finishing the final few degrees... just a little short. I miss his armpit on one side and his momentum carries him out of my grasp on the other side. This causes his body to rotate downwards. I actually manage to get a hold of one of his legs as he's going down, but I wasn't quick enough and his head hit the floor. Fortunately I was able to slow him down with the leg grab, fortunately he hit on a fairly thick rug, and uber-fortunately my wife was there to immediately stick her boob in his mouth. Unfortunately my wife was there to immediately chew me out like you wouldn't believe. Never felt so helpless as the time my 6 month old son is hysterically bawling his eyes out while nursing, while my wife is giving me a death glare that belonged on [/r/nosleep]. For perspective, I feel a lot less helpless during the birthing process.
Everything turned out fine. He's starting kindergarten next year and reads at like a 5th grade level, and can also identify numbers into the billions. Every once in a while my wife makes me feel like crap by joking about it. Then I proceed to make her feel like crap for making me feel like crap.
**TL;DR Dropped my son on his head as a baby by attempting a double salchow and now he's a friggin genius.**
[deleted]: Dude, relax, I was dropped on my haed a couple times and I turned out wine.
LuK45swe: Me to.
Matttized: Me 1+1
Eat_The_Muffin: Me 2.3
| 5 | 70 | |
1401609050 | 1401624523 | t3_270mf6 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex with my girlfriend. Kinda.
Okay so tonight was my friend (let's call him Bryan)'s grad party. His house is always fun, some booze, pool, hot tub, just an all around fun place.
Now for some background. Almost exactly a year ago my current girlfriend (but not at the time), and I were making out hardcore when no one was in the room. People started filing in to go to bed so we stopped. Everyone was asleep and far enough away from us (not that far at all but I was high and she was drunk) for us to think we should resume making out. Now we didn't advance beyond that, just kissing. Problem was his mom set up a camera because Bryan's older sister's friends had been taking alcohol from their bar and she wanted to catch them. Main point; she saw us, oops, no biggie really from that stemmed our reputation for being "the horny couple".
Now back to present. Me and my girlfriend have almost been dating a year now and have sex pretty often. And whenever one of us is drunk it's a guaranteed thing. However Bryan made me promise I wouldn't have sex at his house tonight. I'm a reasonable man when I'm sober, so I comply. Some time later I'm a good 6 beers in and a few gulps of jäger (I'm a lightweight) so I'm feeling pretty drunk. No room spinning but definitely slurred words, a little trip here and there. We'd been hanging out in the hot tub and she wanted to get out and get her shorts from her car and settle down. I go with her. Her car is a ways down the street. You guessed it, we had sex. Really really good drunk sex. Good time.
(Some more background). Bryan had been a bitch all night. Yelling at his girlfriend, being an all around dick. Just rude. Also he's been drinking since 11am.
We get back and Bryan's brother and his friends all give me nods of approval and some jokes as we walk by, "this is a good night" I think to myself. *WRONG*. I walk past Bryan and he asks, "what did we talk about man?". "Oh boy," I think to myself, "he seems genuinely upset". I reply to him, "not to have sex at your house" which *technically* we did not do.
However he got really upset, with good reason. I went against my word and blatantly disrespected him. However, things got really out of hand. He jumps over the couch, starts threatening to fight me, my girlfriend gets scared and starts crying. He ends up telling me to leave. I console my girlfriend. Get her to go outside with me and sit in my car. Bryan's girlfriend comes outside, Bryan following. And she is visibly upset. My GF had texted her saying he kicked us out and she was pissed at him. What ends up happening is I drive them to jack in the box (I shouldn't've but I was scared sober enough [not that he scared me I was just pumped full of adrenaline from the potential fight]) and Bryan's GF calls him and they start fighting and basically end they're relationship (they're both drunk so they should be fine) and I take the girls to Bryan's GF's house and drop them off. Promising to take them to their cars in the morning.
TL;DR told friend I wouldn't have sex at his house, sorta did, I done goofed.
shaidow14: I guess I am just confused as to how you disrespected your friend? You didn't have sex at his house. How is it his business when or where you get it in?
Submitterher: And why the fuck does he care if you screw at his place anyway? Especially if he's a friend?
I would have a good chuckle and give a wink and tease for the rest of the night if any of my friends vanished at a get together to bang
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1401607927 | 1401660323 | t3_270lmt | t5_2to41 | 43 | tifutbh: TIFU by bleaching my hair. NSFW
First things first, I'm a female. Just to get that out of the way.
Anyhow, today was a rainy and miserable day where I live so I thought I'd decide to change up my hair colour and bleach it. I'm not one for safety measures at all, which is stupid on my behalf, I know. So I was applying the dye to my hair with no gloves on.
After I'd distributed all the dye, I had to wait for forty minutes. So, I decided to browse reddit. After ten minutes I'd found myself in some of the nsfw subreddits and decided that I would pass the time by masturbating.
Obviously I'm stupid because I still had hair dye all over one hand so when I shoved my hands down my pants I was met with a very unpleasant burning/stinging sensation after a couple of seconds. Trying to wash away the dye wasn't much help, the damage was already done.
This happened about an hour ago, and I'm now sitting on my bed with an ice pack between my legs.
TLDR; I got horny and tried to get off with hair dye still on my hands. Forever burning.
firestingwisher: Now meaning to the term hot and bothered... Sorry that happened to you though.
tifutbh: Never going to have my phone with me when I dye my hair again, that's for sure.
Username__Irrelevant: I don't think that was the FU, maybe wear gloves or wash hands?
| 4 | 10.75 | |
1401620226 | 1401624204 | t3_270tnl | t5_2to41 | 6 | ShitArchonXPR: TIFU by posting my shitty setup to /r/shittybattlestations. I didn't realize the sub was actually for tech porn.
we_are_all_bananas_2: O sorry, it was a reference to the song you were listening to in the last picture, but I seem to read it in the wrong way :)
Back on topic, I have a single core, ten year old Dell that has seen alot of action. It has been spraypainted a couple of times, dropped alot times, it was even at one time used as a shield. The thing magically runs win7 and is still going strong. It is the best laptop we ever had, although the cat managed to fuck up the keyboard pretty bad.
Tl; dr: maybe you are unlucky. And really, get some ductape and a stanleyknife. You can sortof fix this.
ShitArchonXPR: Oh. Derp. Sadness makes you stupid. Now you know.
That is a damn good black metal song, by the way. [Here's an audio link, since Youtube took it down.](http://myfreemp3.eu/music/Sacrificia+mortuorum+Worship+The+Black+Cult)
I already know what it will take to fix it. For starters, I need to order a new bevel and back cover. Ideally from Amazon, since the Dell website is insanely overpriced.
Most people I've talked to with Dell laptops had problems with joint screws, so I know it's not just me, it's a pattern. Toshibas and other brands are much better for that.
TL;DR My Dell was made in China. Was yours?
we_are_all_bananas_2: Clean your room man. U would be less sad.
Source: I was sad.
I heard the rumour about Dell too. The word on the street is, Toshiba has keyboard mailfunctions often.
ShitArchonXPR: 1. It's not the room; I'm almost never there anyway. It's the talking-to. It's the insecurities. I'm a bum and I blew my scholarship by not keeping grades high. These people have actual jobs and tech skills, and jury-rig PCs. I posted to the sub as a way of venting about my arm pain.
2. Fuck that shit. The admins would have an easier time purging SRS.
3. I don't know what laptop brands are not shit. HP is. Problem is, Inspirons are ergonomic for me.
4. It's 6:40 AM. I haven't slept all night.
5. Fuck my life.
we_are_all_bananas_2: Been there. All I can say, is that this is just a moment in your life. Things change, rapidly and unexpectedly and not only for the worse. But I can imagine it's hard being in a tough situation. Often all it takes is a different mindset and some patience.
First step, should be your room. Hah.
This too, shall pass.
| 6 | 1 | |
1401622204 | 1401683803 | t3_270v1u | t5_2to41 | 34 | randomAnonymousThing: TIFU by grabbing a 2L bottle of olive oil by the cap
Woke up to make some breakfast, me being the half-asleep idiot I was grabbed the olive oil by the cap, which was not on properly. The fucking bottle feel on the ground and shattered leaving dozens of pieces of glass everywhere and a pool of olive oil in the middle of the kitchen.
As I try to clean up the fucking thing of course I have accidentally stepped in the pool and spreaded it out through the house. I also already slipped a couple times in it, used dozens of paper towels and even cut myself while trying to pick up those damn slippery glass shards!
Uhhh... I hate myself so much right now. I think I'll opt for the plastic bottles from now on. Clearly I am not mature enough to handle glass.
puffinsmuggler: Salt dude (If not cleaned up already) use salt it'll soak the oil and just sweep it up :) similar to how they use sawdust to clean up puke
Hodorss: This leaves this pain in the ass sludge-ish solution on the floor. I only do this if I don't have time Immediately. Work in a restaurant btw.
randomAnonymousThing: Uhh... Now I'm not sure what I should do for next time :P So you think it's just better the use a towel and soap and stuff?
Hodorss: Nah this is great life hack. But it makes a bigger mess.
We usually salt it and work with oily sludge on the floor so nobody slips and falls(It happens too often). I swear last time i borrowed a masons trowel from a tradie outside and just scooped it up(10/10 would recommend)
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1401618375 | 1401667588 | t3_270sho | t5_2to41 | 13 | obliterayte: TIFU by feeding my dogs synthetic marijuana.
This happened a while back, and a recent post on here gave me the inspiration to share my story. Also, it was not on purpose, I'm not a dick.
A while back, my younger cousin was trying to introduce me to the wonders of marijuana. He was on parental probation at the time, as we were both underage and living with parents, so coming by some weed proved to be difficult. Well, he had smoked K2 (synthetic weed) before, and for whatever reason, decided it would be a perfect starter drug for me.
Well, we bought the stuff from our local gas station, went to my place, and packed up a homemade pen bowl. I took one hit and it was all over from there. The intense rush was fun at first, but quickly turned to sickening.
I puked in the toilet and sat there looking at myself in a full length mirror in disgust for what seemed like eternity. After he was done laughing as my lightweight self, cousin went into the kitchen to make a pizza.
We both eat pizza and fall quickly asleep to get rid of the buzz. Well, we forgot to clean up our drug mess.
About an hour later, I wake up to a weiner dog jumping on my lap and shaking profusely. After the jolt, something else hit me. The most brutal smells I've ever smelled to date. It was the smell of both vomit and shit, and it just hugged the nostrils.
I sit up in my chair, and put down the feet of my reclining chair. When my feet hit the floor, they were greeted by the wonderful feeling of warm, wet doggie diarrhea squishing in between my toes. Wtf... I look down at the floor and see a ripped open silver bag of "baked goods", and only one word would pass through my brain, "Fuck".
I woke up my cousin, who found the situation hilarious because he doesn't like my dogs. I am panicking at this point, frantically cleaning up about 5 piles of vomit, and a few piles of liquishit. Both of my weiner dogs are now sitting on the couch where my cousin was sleeping. They were staring at me, shaking uncontrollably. I felt worse than the liquid piles of doo they had left for me.
Dogs ended up being just fine.
TL;DR Tried K2 for first time. Dogs did too. Puke and shit errywhere. Poor doggies.
puffinsmuggler: That stuff is so bad for you it's not synthetic marijuana (edit ok it is but it's designed to mimic pot) it's pretty much spices and chemicals and some incense all ground up. There's been many news reports of hospital visits from this stuff I did it once worst experience ever. It's really bad for you, remember in hs heard someone died from it.
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Synthetic_cannabis
obliterayte: Yes, I know its terrible. I work in a hospital now and we see 10+ patients a week that are in the crap. I stay away from it, I was just young and stupid.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1401624638 | 1401627630 | t3_270wvy | t5_2to41 | 14 | whateverisfree: TIFU by buzzing my hair
Today has not been my day. Last night I buzzed my hair like I normally would to save cost. Why pay someone else to do what I can do myself, right?
However, after I got out of the shower today, I noticed I had forgotten a few strains of hair by my forehead. I thought, no matter, I'll fix that right up!
So I went to grab the buzzer, plugged it in, and started buzzing. What I had forgotten to do, however, was to check if there was a bit on the buzzer, like the night before. I had removed it to finish up my side burns and forgotten that I did so.
Well zip, zap there we go. I now look like I buzzed my hair drunk or on cocaine.
Picture proof: [Picture](http://i.imgur.com/e6xl31v.jpg)
zugtug: Yeah just buzz it all even. It's a very fixable fuckup.
whateverisfree: I trimmed the rest down to 3 mm from 6 mm now and it is a little better. More or less the same, only a slight color difference really. Thanks!
zugtug: Just don't burn the crap out of your scalp if it's as sunny where you are as it is where I am. I purposely burn the first time I shave my head low for the warm weather, but I don't recommend it unless you're into pain when you shower haha. Happens to be the only part of me that really burns so I just get it over with.
whateverisfree: Thanks, man! I have a cap but I need to make damn sure I remember to use it lol.
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1401626315 | 1401704320 | t3_270y6u | t5_2to41 | 42 | pooperofpants: TIFU by trusting a fart, destroying a hardware store bathroom (NSFW if you work at a hardware store)
Throwaway account yall.
So this weekend my girl and I were moving and left packing til way too late. I needed to stay up 72 hours straight boxing shit up. We ran out of packing tape and ran to the hardware store to buy more.
Bit of background: I have an old back injury, so on top of the sleep dep I'm in a fair amount of pain by this point. enough to apparently mask the Bane style football stadium collapse that was apparently transpiring in my bowels.
Were standing at the checkout and I feel a little fart coming. A little, cute fart, the kind that makes you smile like a puppy makes you smile. I'm going to enjoy this. I shift my hips slightly, for maximum flow.
Well, maximum flow happens. A stream of wet, chunky shit flollops into my tighty whiteys. I immediately turn away, but realize I don't know where the shitter is (I suppose the shitter is me). I ask the cashier, trying not to move too much, then fast march over there and shit the door.
Drop trow, pull my briefs down a flip them over. It's like serving steel cut oatmeal to the Sarlacc. I reach for the paper towl dispenser to star cleaning up. I pull on the paper towel, and instead the entire dispenser comes off the wall, tears a big tear in the wallpaper, crashes to the floor.
I stand there in shock, and my phone buzzes. I stupidly answer my fucking touchscreen phone with motherfucking human poop on my hand. "Did you fall in?" <--- from my gf, who is standing worried outside the door.
At this point I remember that we've packed all the underwear, pants, and towels at home. I'll need to open three different boxes to clean up at home. I scrape off as much of the chunky peanut butter aromatherapy as I can, and pull my pants back up. I can feel the smears on my underwear stick to my ass cheeks.
I then go to flush the toilet, and it backs up. I spend about five minutes plunging it, while my poophone buzzes with increasingly worried messages.
I wash my hands, forearms, and face, place the paper towel dispenser on the back of the toilet, and exit.
squeezy_bob: That was a shitty situation
jonathan6969: ^ This guy
BTW, happy cake day fellow redditor
squeezy_bob: Ah shit, was it my cakeday? That's the second time i missed it.
Thanks though!
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1401628573 | 1401628984 | t3_27106b | t5_2to41 | -9 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally raping my best friend.
I don't know where to start, I don't even know why i'm posting this, i'm hysterical right now..
I made a throwaway because I cant even process this right now.
I'll start from the beginning.
I got dumped by my girlfriend of 4 years, 6 months ago. She was everything to me, and the last 6 months I have struggled with suicidal depression and am currently on medication. I have a close friend who I adore who has stuck with me through thick and thin throughout this ordeal. I began to develop a crush on her about a month ago, I still loved my ex, but she was moving on, meeting new guys and had inevitably forgotten about me.
I told my best friend (I will name Alice), that I had a crush on her, and she thought it was cute and a good stepping stone but didn't let it effect our friendship at all. Last night her sister was having a 21'st, and we both got ridiculously drunk. We ended up in the same bed at the end of the night, and were snuggling when things started to get heated. I hadn't hooked up with anyone in six months since the break up, and I was excited and overwhelmed. We started getting touchy-feely, and then started kissing, things got a bit more x-rated after that, but the whole fabulous ordeal lasted around an hour and a half.
I woke up the next morning cupling her breast as she rested her head on my chest. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. Despite walking home in bare feet in the winter rain, due to her throwing up on my shoes, I was so happy to have finally broken this degrading drought with a girl that I truly adored.
I found out today from a work colleague that my ex-girlfriend was currently in a relationship with an ex-best friend of mine, it tore me up, but that smile didn't leave.
I just got off the phone with Alice, she has no recollection of us together, she was stunned and struggling to process it. She's not angry, well, i'm not sure. I cant live with myself. I swore to her she was awake, I swore to her she was willing. I cherished our friendship so much, I've fucked it up.
She said she will talk to me about it tomorrow in person, but I don't know if i will make it through the night. I asked her if she would have hooked up with me anyway, and she said no. This isn't just playing on my insecurities, it's torn me to bits. This is a girl I have spent the last 6 months protecting, and comforting and laughing and crying with, and I raped her without even knowing it.
I fucked up, I'm a fuck up.
nothingbutbile: yeah you are.
nothingbutbile: and you're a rapist
| 3 | -3 | |
1401634771 | 1401663802 | t3_2716um | t5_2to41 | 2,043 | Potato_Salad1: TIFU by taking a naked photo with my boyfriend.
A few days ago, my boyfriend and I (We're both 17) were feeling a little frisky so we decided to take a shower together. It was awesome, so afterward, we decided to take a photo to commemorate the awesome occasion.
I took the image on my phone instead of his, since my phone was already in the bathroom. It was a full body mirror selfie, similar to this image, but, you know, with two of us, and, well, naked. ( http://img003.lazygirls.info/people/rebecca_black/rebecca_black_rebecca_black_mirror_selfie_mT1kM270.sized.jpg) (Forgive me for the formatting, I'm on mobile)
He got a little nervous afterward, saying he didn't want my parents seeing the picture. I assured him that my parents never looked through my phone and that everything would be ok.
A few days later, I was using my dad's laptop, when my heart sinks to the pit of my stomach. Open, on the screen is an album full of all the pictures I'd ever taken on my phone, including the naked photo. When I had plugged my phone into my dad's laptop nights before, all the images on my phone had automatically synced to his Dropbox account.
The worst part? Four of my uncles are visiting my house for graduation and had all used that laptop.
As of now, no one has said anything, but I'm pretty sure someone has seen it. Yay stupid impulsive teenage decisions! :/
WillyPete: Take a copy of your dad's browsing history, also leave it open on the browser.
You will never hear of this event from him.
bloomdido: Always go full incognito
Higher_than_you: There's people in this world who don't go full incognito? I thought Browsing History was a problem that all men have conquered by this age of humanity.
youareanassmaggot: I remain unconvinced that incognito mode is not "hey NSA and other people, pay REALLY close attention to what I do next."
echaa: This idea makes me want to leave my computer running while I'm sleeping...with the nastiest gay porn imaginable.
youareanassmaggot: It's rather homophobic to assume that gay porn is any nastier than any other form of porn. /s
echaa: I'm assuming (statistically) that the guys at the NSA are straight...because you know, more than 50% of the population is straight.
youareanassmaggot: While my original post was sarcastic (as obviously a person likes what they like) there is multiple studies done showing that the porn you enjoy is not necessarily representative of your sexual orientation. I hope you understand that I was joking, and couldn't care about what you like or don't.
echaa: That would explain the /s...
I feel like i should make my own tifu for not recognizing that.
youareanassmaggot: You should see this if you feel that [TIFU](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2716um/tifu_by_taking_a_naked_photo_with_my_boyfriend/chwov92), it was a different reply to my joke.
| 11 | 185.727273 | |
1401632780 | 1401641841 | t3_2714g2 | t5_2to41 | 8 | Reephermaddness: TIFU by peeing with gauges.
I was woken up early by an urge to urinate. Barely awake I stumbled into the bathroom. I was standing there, mid stream when I felt my gauge about to fall out. I reached for it with my free hand, but it had already come loose it was heading straight into the newly yellowed toilet water. With a knee jerk reaction I tried to snag it with my "aiming" hand as it fell. When I did so I ended up not letting completely go of myself, pulling my self straight up for a split second and then dropping it again, leaving it to its own free will...peeing all over my shirt my face my pants, it was everywhere. Great start to my day.
1_man_wolfpack: After reading the title, this story was definitely not what I expected, but that is very unfortunate.
How big are your gauges?
Reephermaddness: 1", I couldn't think of a better title.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1401639480 | 1401648422 | t3_271d4b | t5_2to41 | 91 | [deleted]: TIFU by shitting into a Costco bag inside my dad's car.
My parents were going somewhere and told me they could drop me off at a station near where I was supposed to go. Figuring I'd get to my destination quicker that way, I accepted their offer. The thing is, I had one of those busy mornings where I didn't have enough time to shit before I left and apparently there was a massive traffic jam on the highway we were supposed to pass. At the time of leaving the house I felt fine but about 15 mins in, I got this MASSIVE urge to shit like I've never felt before. I did eat about 4 meals a day before so that might have made it worse.
I told my parents about my urgent need to empty my bowls but the highway was fucking packed so they couldn't really do anything. I even considered getting out and shitting on those small side lanes where cars aren't allowed but couldn't stand the thought of being watched. So I quickly grabbed the Costco bag , told my parents, pulled my pants down, behind the driver's seat and chucked a massive shit into the Costco bag. My parents' reactions were a mixture of what the fuck?, Did he really just shit inside a car?, Roflmao, and -_-.
Luckily Costco bags actually hold liquid inside the bag so the shit didn't leak onto the car. It Turns out it's pretty durable. After I was done, I folded the bag carefully, put the bag inside another paper bag and threw it inside the first trash can I found on the street.
TL;DR I pooped inside my parents' car into a Costco bag. I'm over 20 years old.
Also, TIL Costco bags are water-proof and will hold any liquid inside.
Edit: The car's an SUV.
djpuffnstuff: That's incredible. Your parents have probably never been prouder.
Your critical thinking skills and ability to handle uncomfortable situations will make you the right fit for any position of leadership.
Chaffe97: I can just read the resume now,
"Possesses exemplary ability to generate unique solutions for unfavorable situations, as demonstrated by the idea to defecate in a Costco bag during a traffic jam."
| 3 | 30.333333 | |
1401642430 | 1401720428 | t3_271h9q | t5_2to41 | 9 | siarits-tc: TIFU by painting my truck.
Holliman48: I'm curious as to why you had a butt inserted whilst driving. Care to indulge?
siarits-tc: It was a long night.
Username__Irrelevant: Continue..
siarits-tc: So it all started yesterday morning, when I woke up with the song 'Cotton Eye Joe' stuck in my head. I really don't remember the dream, but the song gave my conscious mind an idea. So I rolled over to my wife and said "Let's go to Chipotle".
She said "Right now? I don't think they're open this early.", so I replied "I didn't think of that.", got dressed, grabbed three Monsters and a handle of vodka, and headed to a friend's house. I was looking for an adventure so there wasn't a better person to deliver.
My friend wasn't awake yet, so I decided I would scare him. I found an unlocked window of his house, crawled in, and found some metal pan lids in his kitchen. I slowly opened his bedroom door and suddenly found something even better for a sorry prank: mace. He must have some irrational fear of someone breaking into his house.
Well I replaced the pan lids in my hands with the mace, walked up to him, and let 'ER rip. I must have sprayed his eyes because he got PISSED! I ran out of the house to sit in my car. I gave him ten minutes to gain control of himself before going to knock on his door as if I had just arrived.
He answered the door with bloodshot eyes, and I say "Dude, what happened?". He said "Some asshole broke into my house and sprayed me with my own mace." to which I replied "Why the hell do you have mace?". He said "To defend myself against intruders." and I gave him my best dumbface that I could muster.
Of course he was curious as to why I was even there so I told him "I woke up to Cotton Eye Joe stuck in my head". That's all I had to tell him before he screamed "Hell no!" slamming the door in my face. However, he emerged from the house ready to take on the day 45 minutes later. These kind of days always go down the same.
So he asked what I had in mind this time. I told him we were going to tear up the local meth cook for grins. Neither of us are drug users. We don't have anything against them, but the meth cook's just easily riled. No weapons or destruction, just make them think they're getting raided. Besides, it's good training that keeps them on their toes.
We drove back to my house where I gathered necessary items. Spare car battery, megaphone, a raspberry pi siren project I had been working on for no reason, a spotlight (even though it was daylight), and some jumper cables.
We headed out to the dreary back roads of Texas to find the target, but on the way we ran across a HUGE alligator snapping turtle. I felt like he would make a nice addition to the prank, so grabbing him by the tail, I threw him in the back of the truck. I guess it wasn't exactly THAT easy as he was without a doubt a two hander.
The target was pretty deep in the woods at this old house that just screams out that there's something illegal going on inside. It's one of those things where if you live in these areas, you just know.
We pull up to this house with the siren blaring over the megaphone screaming "Come out with your hands up!" whereupon this guy just bolts out the side window of the house butt naked. Having accomplished the goal, we just left, after I put the turtle on the front porch though. I bet that guy will hang out in the trees for a couple of days anyway.
So we drove back to the house, picked up my wife and all went to town to eat at Chipotle. Is this relevant? No, it's just delicious. After eating, we went to the local Wal-Mart and spent about four hours rearranging two of the aisles. The customers thought we were employees and the the employees thought we were customers. It took four hours to just do two aisles because you can't just loiter in the same place for too long or you look suspicious.
Then we drove around aimlessly for a bit when I realized we were in the neighborhood where my highschool football couch lived. We found his house and I pissed on his front door.
After that, we went to the local homeless shelter and all sat down for a chat with some of the people there. They have wonderful stories and if you share some caffeine and alcohol with them, they REALLY get lively. Had fun shooting the breeze before it got late and we all went back to my place. My wife decided to hit the hay while my buddy and I played some Halo Reach.
Now I can really get into video games and want to finish something I start (think Eric Cartman). Well my digestive system doesn't handle alcohol well, thus I frequently try to avoid it, and it found an odd mixture with the burrito I had for lunch. Whatever the details, I felt some shit was about to go down. As I was shooting plasma bolts down the throats of an alien race, my bowls were screaming at me to release the pressure.
I thought, "Man, I have to plug this or I gonna lose out on some head shots.", so I go to the bedroom and grab the butt plug I bought a few years ago (that's another story). So I figured that since I hadn't been using this thing for anything else, now was as good a time as any determine the value in this little device. I had no idea if it would work, but I'm always game for some trial and error.
To make a long story short, that's how the plug got there and I managed to fall asleep with it in and not realize it was still there later the next morning. There was enough pressure on the other end that it finally dislodged.
TL;DR I typed out this entire thing on my phone so you better read it.
Username__Irrelevant: > that's another story
Continue..
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1401642171 | 1401744544 | t3_271gwc | t5_2to41 | 247 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting my Bluetooth speaker was still connected to my ipad while jerking off to some really embarrassing porn
I'm an idiot. I live with my sister and her and her boyfriend were over hanging out one night. I felt as if I were overstaying my welcome and decided to head to my room to watch tv (Sherlock, specifically). I was watching the episode with The Woman which prompted some image searches and of course led to porn, naturally! I'm in my mid twenties and for some reason I was in a mood to watch some MILF porn on my ipad. Well stupid me forgot that my sis, her bf and me were listening to music on my Bluetooth speaker through my ipad. When I started looking at this video, I distinctly remember thinking to myself, oh that's odd, no audio...challenge accepted. I have no idea what they heard but I'm cringing so hard that my head just might turtledick into my body.
djdes: The amount of broadcasted porn audio in this sub is almost up there with pants-shitting.
[deleted]: >pants-shitting *and* anal prolapse
djdes: To be fair, it's not a good pants shitting if there isn't a little prolapse.
[deleted]: "better out than in" has no limits. NO LIMITS!
| 5 | 49.4 | |
1401647143 | 1401665275 | t3_271o35 | t5_2to41 | 46 | KristyConfused: TIFU by running a semi truck off the road
This happened in the wee hours of Thursday night/Friday morning. I'm a trainee truck driver, and I was driving back to the terminal to finish my training, take the test(s), and upgrade from a student to a company driver. I was obviously the one driving at the time this happened. I went to pass another truck, and all was going well. The speed differences were not great between my truck and his, which should have been my first clue of my impending fuckup.
I looked in my rear view mirror and saw the headlights of a semi truck. "Great" I thought, "I already passed him and now I can get back over." I don't know why I ignored what looked like a reflection of my trailer lights, because even if they were a reflection, they had to be reflecting off of something - something damn close. But they were no reflection, and they were not my trailer lights. They were the lights of the trailer attached to the truck I thought I had just passed, and the headlights in my rear view mirror belonged to a truck that had come up behind us without my noticing.
But I ignored the trailer lights, and changed lanes right into that other truck. Fortunately he had the presence of mind to avoid me by driving onto the shoulder, after which he slowed down and got behind me before speeding up and passing me while blasting his air horn. Of course, just as I was finishing up the lane change back to the right, my trainer came out of the sleeper and asked me if I just cut off that truck, to which I replied, horrified, "Oh my God, I did" which of course prompted a lecture about passing safety and making sure 100% that I was clear, and about how all of his students want to get over as soon as they possibly can, not thinking of the benefits of waiting for another 20 or 30 feet of clearance. At any rate it was a well-earned ass-chewing.
The thing is, this was not just a rookie mistake. This was an inexcusable lack of attention to all the data available to me. The trailer lights alone should have been enough to tell me that I barely had my tractor past the nose of his, much less my entire truck and trailer. I won't say it's the primary reason, but it factored into my decision to spend the weekend at the terminal instead of taking the upgrade road test right away.
TL;DR: was riding my bicycle on the freeway at 80 MPH and hit a deer, slicing it in half and causing one half to fly into the oncoming lanes, making a semi truck swerve off into a ditch and burst into flames. Or maybe not, I'm real bad at this TL;DR summarizing stuff.
WWLadyDeadpool: This is why as a truck driver you'll be limited to 14 hour days. I'm guessing sleepiness contributed to your error.
Be careful to be well rested when you drive and you should be OK in the future.
Protassium: I worked for a place once that would often try to get me to do 18+ hour days, frequently without a real break. It's a real bad feeling driving a truck at 2 AM through unfamiliar country roads and you know your reaction time and judgement is compromised but there's nothing you can do about it but keep driving.. Not to mention the stress of fudging log books
I did quit as soon as I was able to
WWLadyDeadpool: Is the law state by state? I was just talking to a driver who said he can only drive 12 and work 14, legally, and my dad (taxi driver) is limited to 12 hour days.
KristyConfused: The laws for taxi drivers might be set on a state-by-state basis, but the Federal DOT sets the rules for vehicles which require a Commercial Driver's License.
Truck drivers cannot drive more than 11 hours in a 14-hour shift, and not more than 8 hours at a stretch; such a stretch must be broken by an off-duty or sleeper berth period of at least 30 minutes. You can't be on-duty for half an hour and consider that your 30 minute break. You can do non-driving work past those limits, for example drive 7 hours 45 minutes then spend 30 minutes on-duty, but you can't drive again until you spend 30 minutes off-duty. You can reset the 11 hours of daily drive time by spending 10 hours off-duty or in the sleeper berth. From what I've been told, it used to be a minimum of 8 consecutive hours in the sleeper, which could be combined with off-duty time to make up the whole 10 hours. I won't go into the 70/8 or 34 hour reset stuff.
| 5 | 9.2 | |
1401645861 | 1401705133 | t3_271m7q | t5_2to41 | 24 | Biggeh: TIFU by taking my 4 year old Canoeing alone
So my day started off wanting to take my 4 year old on an adventure. I decide to try canoeing as he's never been on any kind of boat before. So I go to the local canoe rental place and get a 3 hour rental. All starts off ok. Let me preface this with I am a big man, 6'7" 320#, my 4 year old weighs 52 pounds. From my history you always place the competent canoer in the back and the novice in the front, but the place advised against that as the front seat is close to the middle and with the substantial weight difference I should sit in the front. I don't really like that idea, but they do this so I took their advise. So we get 20 minutes out and the boat keeps turning erratically, and I can't figure out what is wrong, so I turn around and notice my son sticking his as far down as he can.... ah... that explains it.... in turning I made the boat rock... my son freaks out and tries to stand up, of course this makes things much worse, and we rock so hard that he falls in, in turn flipping the canoe. I am cool calm and collected... my son is losing his shit, and borderline having a breakdown. I hold him, try and calm him down and sit him down in the boat. by this point the canoe is 95% full of water. after he calms a little I explain to him that I had to empty the boat and I had to place him in the water for a few. He was NOT a fan of this, but I had to do it, and I did it as quickly as possible. I got the boat down to 20% full, couldn't in the deep waters get it all out. So I sat him back in the canoe and headed to shore, by the time I could stand I noticed the ground was soft.... Really soft. I begin sinking into the ground. Now I have watched all the survivor man shows, so I knew to increase my exposure to the ground and I pulled ever so slowly out. So now it was time to swim the boat to the shore. My theory is get to shore, get my son ashore, pull the boat ashore ... and figure it from there... So now the water is so shallow that I can not swim anymore, I try to stand up, and I REALLY started sinking now... within 10 seconds I was engulfed almost up to my stomach. I am petrified, but more worried about not traumatizing my son. I talk calmly to him, explain to him what I am doing, and I have him go into my bag to grab my phone. He begins freaking out again and is unable to open the zipper. I begin to lay back, again trying to increase my contact area again, and my feet are STUCK. At this point my son decides he's hungry and wants a snack.... Ah the stories I look forward to sharing with him when he gets older. So my back is flat to the muck , it takes about 10 minutes, but I inch my feet out, inch by inch. The whole time my son is "But daddy I am starving, I really need to eat" (we had been on the canoe for 20 minutes before the accident). I proceed to butt scoot and boogie to shore, pulling the canoe with me, of course after I got my son a snack :) The ground is not getting any better, if anything it got worse, and I did not want to chance fate, so I grabbed my phone. I was trying to search for the number for the rental place, instead I called my wife and her her call them. So I sit there for 20 minutes, sitting in the most disgusting muck, waiting for my rescue team. I figure this happens, the bring a plate so stand on, so you can stand on it. Well a kid comes on a kayak... with nothing :) Which reminds me, so here I am, sitting next to shore out of the boat, my 4 year old shivvering in the boat and a man on a kayak passes us, my son is all excited "the rescue party is here daddy". So this man gets closer and closer... and JUST RIDES RIGHT PASSED US?!?!? Doesn't even look over or anything, we were not hidden, 100% he saw us. Some people, I will never understand. So the kid gives me a few pointers and I get back into the canoe, back to the rental place, and back home! Next time I have another 1/2 competent paddler with me. Everyone is safe, only Daddy is a little traumitized. Have a wonderful day all
Bad_Wolf96: Did the rental centre offer life jackets? This sounds like a great trip for your son, but maybe waiting til he's a bit older would be for the best. Better luck next time!
SatanMD: Im imagining this all involved life jackets. I doubt the rental places insurance would allow them to have a four year old on one of their boats without one.
Bad_Wolf96: That's what I wanted to assume as well, but when OP said he was sinking into the mud, it sounded as if there weren't any flotation devices involved, or else he wouldn't have been so scared of his head going under.
Biggeh: My sone had a life vest on, mine was in the canoe, I was in 2" of water (5" of muck)
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1401653344 | 1401679117 | t3_271r44 | t5_2to41 | 98 | Boner4SCP106: With that last name the kid would have been teased anyway.
Blondrina: At least she didn't name him Seymour.
nicklepickle858: Or Harry
Stoolbend: Or Richard
(aka Dick)
Zhwoobatte: No one post it...
YourMajest1: *holds up spork*
Zhwoobatte: pls no
YourMajest1: *beg for my mercy*
Zhwoobatte: Oh YourMajest1,
pls no
YourMajest1: *I'll consider it*
| 10 | 9.8 | |
1401649765 | 1401664859 | t3_271rth | t5_2to41 | 8 | Xanthippes: TIFU by drinking underage and trying to speak with a dude who hates me
Last night I had a few shots of tequila with a friend, and was roaming around the college dorms. I knocked on a door to see if a friend of mine was in; he wasn't but his roommate, a man I do not get along with, was.
This fellow had/has the hots for a girl whom falsely accused me of sexual assault
(story here: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/25uh6s/i_was_falsely_accused_of_sexual_assault_is_it/),
and in defiance of both the ultimate board decision, the clear facts of the case, and the letters of no contact surrounding the matter, has continued to propagate rumors that I am a sexual predator.
Upon him realizing who he was talking to, he slammed the door and locked it, and told me "go home drunkie, I'm calling campus police". I asked to talk out what he was saying about me, and asked to "speak like men", and offered him copies of the case materials so he could make an informed judgement. He called me some more names, and I left.
Campus police found me walking down another hall, headed to another friends room, and escorted me to the main campus police station, with myself complying and making no attempt to evade or resist. In doing so, one of the officers clamped down on my right shoulder blade pretty hard as he frogmarched me. I was offered the choice of arrest or hospital, and chose the latter.
I blew a .077, and then a .052 an hour later and was released back home, after being informed that if I didn't have insurance, this could run up to more than $1k with all expenses.
Woke up this morning with a solid bruise where the officer grabbed me, and can't raise my right arm above shoulder level without stiffness and some muscle pain.
Lucky enough not to arrested or anything, but this is gonna mean food will be limited to ramen for a while.
tl;dr- Had campus police called on me while inebriated, woke up with a bruise and a $1000+ medical bill
edit: Formatting
MissJacki: You got very lucky. Seriously, don't drink underage.
KingKidd: Disagree. Be intelligent about drinking underage and know and understand the consequences.
MissJacki: How could you know and understand the consequences of doing so and still consider it an intelligent decision to drink anyways?
KingKidd: Taking risks is not always going to be unintelligent. The intelligent part is minimizing risks as much as possible.
MissJacki: I don't see gambling your education as an intelligent educated risk or minimizing riak it at all.
KingKidd: As a former underage drinker, that's an absurd false characterization that takes the situation to the furthest extreme. There are extremely simple measures you can take to minimize the risk of getting caught, arrested or hospitalized. Learning one's limits, drinking with people that minimize risk of getting caught, drinking in locations that minimize risk. Hell, you can even drink in public if you use the right containers and don't arouse suspicion. It's the obnoxious drunk assholes that are at the biggest risk of getting caught. Be responsible, be respectful with authorities and don't get in fights.
Basically be smart about it, and you won't be gambling your education. You don't come is with the odds you get when you sit down at a slot machine, you're much closer to the casino's odds.
| 7 | 1.142857 | |
1401654341 | 1401737579 | t3_271yl0 | t5_2to41 | 16 | wingie: TIFU by letting a mold/fungus colony grow inside my vacuum cleaner and then running it, filling the house with fumes
Over a month ago I had a small dinner party where I served a cheese plate. Naturally, cheese crumbs fell on the carpet so I vacuumed those suckers up after the party was over. Shook all the bits and dust into the trash afterwards. Problem solved, right?
Well, I left my vacuum in the closet for a month, and then when I pulled it out and ran it yesterday and the entire house instantly smelled horrible. Turns out there was a section inside the vacuum dust container thing where some hair were caught and cheese bits were caught inside it. Coupled with some grain pieces that got stuck there a pretty good sized mold/cheese/yeast/whatever colony was growing inside the canister. There was about 1/4in of mold at the bottom of the thing.
I spent an hour yesterday cleaning the thing, and then basically dumping the entire canister into a bucket of bleach/water mixture. There's still mold on it. I am thinking about just buying a new vacuum at this point...
MarinaAquamarina: My first reaction to this was - you didn't use your vacuum for a full month?! Damn, OP, you dirty!
wingie: Yeah I'm horrible. =(
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1401652945 | 1401679434 | t3_271wk5 | t5_2to41 | 31 | mildbox21: TIFU by sending Shrek is Love, Shrek is Life to the wrong person.
Me and my friend Eric send goofy youtube shit back and forth to each other. Well I ran across the video Shrek is Love, Shrek is Life today and I sent it to Eric. Well....the wrong Eric. Instead of sending it to the goofy Eric, I sent it to the Eric that's hosting a huge graduation party next week that I've been trying to get invited for a while now.
I quickly sent an apology and told him that wasn't for him, and he told me I'm really fucked up. Bye bye party.
Here's the video if anyone's interested: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlkj6SPhf1U
360walkaway: Holy shit there's a video of it? I thought it was just a 4chan screenshot.
mildbox21: Watch at your own risk
360walkaway: Too late, already did. Many laughs were had, and my wife just rolled her eyes and walked away.
mildbox21: Ahahaha I can totally see that happening
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1401654180 | 1404446443 | t3_271ybt | t5_2to41 | 62 | jaxxattacks: Tifu by inviting a crazy girl over for my birthday
So yesterday was my birthday. Planned to have a nice birthday dinner and party when we got home. This didn't happen. Ended up being one of the worst days of my life. My mom called in tears telling me my dad decided to walk out on her and my sister. Took off his wedding ring and left. He couldn't have waited one fucking day.
I spent the whole day crying. My family is falling apart and my poor mother is in hysterics.. Telling me about intimate details that I really don't want to know. I'm still crying.
Get a calk from a friend who is super upset too. Her and her SO are breaking up. We figure we can comfort each other so invite her over. Turns out she took like 3 xanax bars that day. I'm still crying so she gives me half of one to calm me down. It works and I start to feel better... We start dancing and trying to make the best of the night. The whole time she's enamored with my snake. Taking him out constantly and wearing him and playing with him. She also gets wild and start jumping on my bed to crappy radio music.
I'm feeling pretty good from half the xanax so we start daring each other. We're doing stuff like streaking down the street and what not. I dare her to tag something. She goes in and says she did it.. My armour. I meant outside. Grr... But I figured whatever.
I just want to pass out now. Not used to xanax at all and I just want to sleep away this horrible day. I put the snake in the tank and my SO and I go to bed. I guess she wasn't tired yet so she must have got the python back out while we were asleep.
Wake up the next morning and the first thing I notice is the tagging. I remember what happened and figure oh well, its a story at least. Then I look at the tank and notice its open and Gorgasaur is gone. I panic and wake everyone up. She says she must have blacked out from so many pills and doesn't remember anything. My baby is gone. One of the loves of my life is missing. My Gorgasaur!
We have torn the house up looking for him but can't find him anywhere. Then while flipping the bed over we discovered she broke it while wildly jumping on it. My heart is broken. I loved that snake like it was my own child.
Not your topical tifu... Nobody shit themselves or fapped. But I'm hurting so much right now that I just had to tell someone. I still love this girl but right now I could kill her.. Not literally of course. She lost my baby and fucked up the dresser and broke the bed... I want my snake back.
iSeeXenuInYou: I thought it was a reference to your penis the whole time and I was **really** confused.
jaxxattacks: Yeah, that's what a lot of people thought, but sorry don't have a penis.
iSeeXenuInYou: So no sexual advances to a penis?
jaxxattacks: No. Don't get me wrong I love the D, just don't have one.
iSeeXenuInYou: But you have a python?
jaxxattacks: He is a ball python.
iSeeXenuInYou: I'm not getting the innuendo here.
jaxxattacks: There is none to get
iSeeXenuInYou: *Sure* there isn't...
| 10 | 6.2 | |
1401654989 | 1401662355 | t3_271zm0 | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by having Star Wars playing during sex
So there is this girl that I have been talking to for a few months, going out to movies, all that fun. Well we decided that today was the day that she was going to come over and we were going to do the deed. She is a Star Wars fan like me so I decided to have The Phantom Menace playing while we are doing it (I have a house mate so I wanted a movie with lots of noise but one that I wouldn't be distracted by).
Anyway we get into it and I have to say it was pretty great. She knows what she's doing, she's actually attractive and I've been working on my stamina so I can safely say it was actual good sex. We've both finished and are laying there recovering about to enter the cool down cuddle phase when Jar Jar Binks comes up on the screen. She then proceeds to say the worst thing a Star Wars fan can hear or say, "Oh man I really love that guy, he's my favorite."
That destroyed any thought of a round two and we laid there watching the rest of the movie until she decided it was time to leave (I might have been pretending to sleep). Most likely not going to be doing that again
TL:DR Girl I was sleeping with's favorite Star Wars character is the shittiest character in Star Wars, mood killer.
Eat_The_Muffin: Wow...
Dumping a girl for liking an imaginary character. Bit weird.
dirtyjew123: It would be weird only if the character wasn't Jar Jar Binks.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1401655109 | 1401677244 | t3_271zsu | t5_2to41 | 7,488 | [deleted]: TIFU by having an anal prolapse on a date.
Well, not today. Last week actually, however considering the time spent in reconstructive anal surgery it has been difficult to find the time to post this. My story begins with me finally building up the courage to ask out the cutest girl in my communications class. There has been some notable tension between us, mainly because I accidentally gave her little sister a concussion, but that's another story. Given semester is coming to a close, I decided it was my last chance and just went for it. Expecting imminent rejection, to my delight, she agreed to have dinner with me.
Fast forward to the next night. Dinner was going remarkable well, we made great small talk and even laughed about me once knocking out her sister (accidentally). After a great time bonding, we wanted to spend more time together. She invited me back to her place, I was nervous as hell but obviously agreed. We arrive to her apartment, all her flatmates are out, everything seemed to be pointing towards sex. We opened a bottle of wine and just relaxed, which eventually lead to some great kissing. I could tell she was really into it, then told me she needed to take a "quick shower" to get comfortable. Since dinner, my stomach had been churning and aching, and was obviously not reacting well to the food. Thinking this could be a disaster in the bed, I decided to take a tactical shit whilst she showered. I ran to the toilet knowing my time frame was limited. Pulled down my pants, and unloaded a fiery, ferocious shit. I strained and strained trying to release all the chocolate magma from my bowels. The toilet quite literally looked like a snack pack with fragments of carrot and corn by the time I had finished. I stood up still dripping man gravy on the toilet seat, then felt something wasn't right.
It was kinda like a large turd was half hanging out my anus, but when I reached back with toilet paper, I realized it was far worse. During my continuous straining, I had prolapsed a large part of my anal cavity. It was far less painful than one would imagine, but terrifying none the less. I sat back down on the toilet, my dangling inner anus almost touching the water. I was confused, panicking and in disbelief. After a few failed attempts to try and reconstruct my anus by hand, I admitted defeat and started crying. It didn't take long for my dream girl to come knocking telling me she's ready, and asking if i'm okay. I broke down even worse into a blubbering mess upon hearing her voice, and yelled for her to call an ambulance. For some reason my lack of explanation had lead her to believe I tried to kill myself in her toilet. Subsequently this caused her to start kicking the door in so she could stop the bleeding from my non-existent lacerations. I begged her to stop, but eventually the door gave way, to reveal me sitting on the toilet with teary eyes wallowing in a ghastly smell. She was incredibly concerned, yet confused as hell. I then told her to please close the door until the ambulance arrived, she obliged. Around 15 minutes later, I was laying stomach down on a stretcher being wheeled out of the apartment to an ambulance. The most humiliating part was that my shit covered, prolapsed anus was exposed for the gathered crowd to see.
My lovely date was nice enough to visit me after surgery, but hasn't replied to any of my recent texts.
TL;DR Shit my anus out.
EDIT: Paragraphing
EDIT: Everyone, please. The girl truly is lovely, waited for me for hours after surgery. She did reply to a lot of texts, but clearly isn't interested in me. I handled the situation horrifically, and she has every right to be put off by it. Okay, now i'm sobbing again.
EDIT: Thanks for the Gold! Second of all, I couldn't care less about those calling me a liar or troll. The stitches in my anus don't lie. Thankyou everyone for your kind words of support, it means a lot.
turtlesarerad14: Oh my god, are you okay? I wish you better luck for the future :(
NEVER EVER EVER PUSH TOO HARD.
shatteredglassinanus: Yeah, I'm a bit raw down there but the pain really wasn't too bad. The humiliation, however..
SIave: Look at the bright side, OP. The rest of your life is always going to be better and easier than it is right now.
FlyingSpaghettiMan: Unless he has a penile prolapse
lecherous_hump: I'm choosing to believe that that isn't a real thing and specifically not looking it up.
[deleted]: I know mice can get penile prolapse but i dunno about humans
Silverlight42: They do medical studies on the effects of many things on mice as a stepping stone to humans, so we can't be that far off!
it's probably a thing for humans, but i'm also not gonna look it up.
[deleted]: A mouse penis is nothing like human penis...
Source: used to own a mouse
Pandolin11: You had a mouse, but how did you know about the human penis part?
[deleted]: Because i own a human :>
Pandolin11: Proof of purchase?
[deleted]: [Sure!](http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/thumb/f/f6/Proof_of_Purchase.png/250px-Proof_of_Purchase.png?t=20111210045221)
Pandolin11: Checks out.
| 14 | 534.857143 | |
1401658994 | 1401674199 | t3_2725nj | t5_2to41 | 102 | [deleted]: TIFU I fucked up by crashing my car, an hour after crashing my mom's car.
Let me start of by saying this happened within an hour. I was changing lanes in my mom's car (which is a brand new BMW X5), when the fucker behind me decides to change lanes, and speed up, rear ending/hitting my side, and damaging the car. So I pull over into a parking lot, exchange numbers and insurance information. I then call my mom and tell her I got into a minor accident (luckily she was understanding cause I was shitting bricks when I called her).
She was in the area, so she shows up in my car, asks if I'm ok, then we go to the Collision Report centre because it wasn't a major accident and in Canada you have to report an accident within 24 hours (idk about other countries forgive my ignorance).
On the way there, I'm driving my E-class when I get t-boned by fucker #2 who ran a stop sign. We had to call the cops cause it was a pretty major accident, and then still go to the collision centre, to report accident number 1.
TL;DR: Get into a car accident in my mom's car, followed by my car an hour later.
Chumstick: I think the brand-name-dropping really adds to this story and doesn't make me feel any less bad for OP at all.
bag_and_tube: Yeah don't lose sleep over it - based on comment history, he can still drive his Mercedes S class to school tomorrow
Chumstick: Now I do feel bad for OP! What are his friends going to think now that he's obviously on welfare for not driving a Beamer to school.
| 4 | 25.5 | |
1401662615 | 1401793038 | t3_272b3m | t5_2to41 | 703 | mashedorbaked: TIFU by forgetting I'd had sex, and thinking it was a dream. (NSFW)
So last night I went out with my uni friends as a kind of celebration of finishing the second year of our degrees.
One of my friends, John, had a few friends from his hometown over for the night so we knew it was going to get messy - these guys are hilarious and we usually end up in some right states the next morning!
We go out. We get very, VERY, drunk. I wake up around 3pm feeling a little hungover, but otherwise happy. I woke up with a smile on my face because I'd had a brilliant sexy dream about one of Johns friends, we'll call him Joe.
Most of my housemates have moved out already, and the one that is left is usually at his girlfriends' place, so I didn't see anyone before I went to Johns house to pick up some alcohol I had left there. This is when I had possibly the most embarrassing moment of my life.
Thinking I was funny (why oh why) I told the entire room, including Joe, that I had had a sex dream about him the night before. I joked that he was really good, and we should do it for real if he's as good as I dreamt he was. I even WINKED at him.
The entire room erupted with laughter, apart from Joe who sat there looking stunned.
Turns out we actually DID have sex, but I was so drunk I thought it was a dream. Joe had stayed at mine but left before I woke up, and had mentioned it to the boys (as boys do) when he got back.
It's safe to say that I am glad I go home tomorrow.
Edit: for all those that care: I'm female
Edit Edit : I'm also not stupid enough to post about something that could have been rape, so to clear the air - Joe was just as drunk as I was, and I would have slept with him sober. Just because we were both drunk doesn't = rape! I'm actually more annoyed I can't remember most of it happening if anything!
LeviW: Reminds me of when I was at a party at a friends house. I crashed on the recliner in his living room. Woke up the next morning and all the girls were making breakfast and asking me if I felt okay.
Me: "yeah I feel great, why?"
Them: "Because you threw up out on the deck."
Me: "no I didn't. I had a dream where I-... Oh, my bad"
In my defense, at least I made it outside. I hosed it off and it was fine. That's the last time I'll show up late to a party and have to do 4 shots in a row "to catch up".
KibaKiba: no it isn't. we always tell ourselves it's the last time, but it isn't gonna be.
Hobbs54: That's because Sober you is not the boss of Drunk you.
JohnoTheFoolish: Sober me is totally the boss of Drunk me, but Sober me works the day shift and Drunk me is a night man, so it's all memos and passive-agressive voicemails.
xluminosityx: If I wasn't a broke bastard I'd give you gold.
JohnoTheFoolish: You don't need to give me gold. I already have gold; in my heart.
Actually, it's a pretty serious problem, does anyone know a doctor?
Tootsiesclaw: On the Internet, everybody's a doctor.
JohnoTheFoolish: Hello, Doctor. You have to help me! There's gold in my heart; it's just Au-ful.
Unicornpants: I never want you to stop making jokes.
| 10 | 70.3 | |
1401664827 | 1401689180 | t3_272e5t | t5_2to41 | 36 | SatanMD: TIFU by drunkenly climbing a brick wall in nothing but a bikini.
So I was with some friends at a nice hotel because they had one and I needed to get away from my life. So were hanging out and swimming and drinking champagne. The night goes on and most of us are in the room. I decided I wanted to swim some more so I ask one of the boys if he wants to come with. Naturally he obliged because ya know. Girl in a bikini. So were out there, I swim a little, and he was trying to figure out how to climb onto some things to jump off into the pool. "Why dont you jump off that wall?" I say, and he says "Because its too hard to get up." Being the girl I am I took that as a challenge. So while hes still distracted I sneak over to the gate and get on top of the wall relatively gracefully and proceed to say "Oh yeah, its so hard to get up." As he realizes Im somehow magically on top of the wall I realize that the whole top of it is completely covered in broken glass. I was not aware that was a common deterrent for birds (and I guess drunk assholes). So I get myself down alright but not before I manage to get many small but deep and bloody cuts all over my legs and feet. Luckily when I went to the front desk for band aids and such the guy didnt ask questions. Im trying to take care of the cuts but I live in a dirty city where a lot of people easily get staff infections and MRSA. I really hope I can avoid that.
Edit: Sorry for bad formatting and grammar and such. Im on mobile.
ANAL_TECH: NOLA? Country Club?
SatanMD: Are you stalking my account? Haha. No actually, it was a hotel in the quarter. I still have yet to go to the country club. Maybe I will try and go once my cuts heal.
ANAL_TECH: Haha, no I don't actually live there. But my wife and I have friends in the 9th and the Marigny and we were down there in March. The Country Club is awesome though, and you should totally check it out. Watch out for that staph!
SatanMD: Yeah I plan to.
ANAL_TECH: Have you been to the Sneaky Pickle down on St. Claude yet? That place rules.
SatanMD: Im more of a St. Roch tacos kind of girl.
ANAL_TECH: What about Stein's?
SatanMD: Never heard of it.
ANAL_TECH: Jewish deli on Magazine St about halfway to Audoban Park from the CBD. Awesome sandwiches if you eat meat, but also a realllly good craft beer selection.
SatanMD: Hmm. I will keep that in mind. I dont find myself on magazine often. I only have a bike and Im incredibly lazy.
ANAL_TECH: Oh c'mon, your whole city is *flat!* And you can drink beer while riding your bike! In my city I'd get a fucking dewey for that shit.
SatanMD: I just already have to ride my bike a bunch every day. And im not good at multitasking when it comes to my bike.
ANAL_TECH: Excuses.
SatanMD: Told you im lazy.
ANAL_TECH: Not too lazy to be commenting on reddit in the middle of the night.
SatanMD: Thats a lot easier than riding a bike...
| 17 | 2.117647 | |
1401665022 | 1401800358 | t3_272efr | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by drunkenly breaking flatmates TV
A while back the people I had lived with for 3 years moved out. On a thursday one of three new ones had just moved in. That same thursday one of the bigger parties of the year was going on on Campus. Naturally, I enjoyed a *few* drinks with my friends, heading home earlier than usual because I had to work on some stuff for Uni the next day. Well turns out, a *few* drinks actually were a lot more than my drunk mind made me believe.
I get home to find the new flatmate having returned to his parents for another few days. In a state of drunken curiosity, I wondered how he had set up the room differently than his predecessor. Turns out, he had locked the door. Which didn't stop me though, after a few unsuccessfull atempts to unlock his room's door with the key from mine, I rememberred, that there is a second door.
For that to make sense, it has be added that his room used to be the livingroom of a regular family's flat, other flatmates out as well. His room is also right next to the bathroom, with an individual entrance. Only we had never used that bathroom door, because well, it lead into some person's room and on both sides stuff was parked in front of it. But, in my drunk-out-of-my-mind-ness, I accepted the challenge to make my way into his room. Only I forgot two crucial things:
1. He had told me whilst moving in, that he wanted to put his TV right in front of that door.
2. There is a huge white board on the outside of that door skrewed to the frame.
I think now it is quite clear what happend: Determined to see how had set up his room, i pushed and shoved my way through the door. Breaking off the surprisingly heavy whiteboard and knocking his 47" TV off its table face first.
Still being halfway stuck in the door in a dark room I did my best putting the TV back on the table. Then it dawned on me i had to find another way out in order for him to not notice that someone has been in his room. So i went back in, knocked down the TV a second time, along with a lot more, because i tripped on the powercord.
In the then lid room I tried to fix up everything as nicely as possible, put the cords back behind the tables and desks and arranged all as i imagined it to make sense.
Thankfully his room has a balcony, that is directly connected to the roof underneath the bathroom window. I escaped his room via the balcony door, which you can close but not lock from the outside, and made my way over to the bathroom window.
I fixed the shelf in front of the door up nicely, restoring it to the way it was before being moved for the probably first time in over 3 years. After that adventure i then went back to bed.
The next morning comes around and i wake up remembering the whole incident. I didn't actually have any hope he would not notice something was weird about the room. The little tid bit of hope left though was shattered even more when I went past the bathroom window: Footprint, my footprints, were visible clear as day on the edge of the balcony and the roof.
I decided for myself to not tell him right when he got back. I was going to wait until the state of the TV had been determined. It would take another three days for him to eventually return to his new home. And those three days were extremely weird because of not knowing whether he'd find out or not, whether the TV was fine, whether all the things would work themselves out basically.
*sidenote* i wouldn't make a very good criminal would i?!
Anyways, long story finally comes to a close: he returns, the TV works perfectly fine, he doesn'T suspect a thing because he was still in the unpacking process so nothing on the desk was moved to a weird spot or anything, and rain had washed away my footprints.
I don't know how I got that lucky, because it's not the first time I have caught a lucky break from something that would have been qutie devastating and expensive otherewise. (i set fire to a friends carpet by accident)...
To this day he does not know, nor will he ever. I have moved out by now. But that TV still haunts my dreams. I'm praying to the flying spaghetti monster that I never have to endure a pregnancy scare or anything remotely close.
TL;DR I broke into my brand new flatmates room and knocked down his TV.
Elori: The title says you broke the tv, but you didn't?
Username__Irrelevant: OP is lies?
Elori: I think Op is lies
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1401666605 | 1401678801 | t3_272gpy | t5_2to41 | 6 | Phyrric: TIFU by telling my former best friend and ex that I'm cutting all contact with them.
This all started during last year, but the big fuck up happened today. During the summer before junior year, the two of them dated. I've known both of them since junior high, but I've known her a year longer. We dated a few times, but it wasn't serious. Anyway, they got into a relationship at the end of our sophomore year, and I was genuinely happy for them, although I had began to develop strong feelings of her; the type of teenage feelings that had me feeling like I could spend the rest of my life with her and be happy. I wouldn't want any more or any less. During that summer, I didn't talk to either of them much, not because I was jealous, but because I was busy with other friends of mine anafted she was in another state. From what I assumed and previous experiences with both of them, I thought their relationship wasn't serious. He cheated on almost every girl, before, and after dating her at that time. I thought he didn't care much about it and if he did, he would do his usual thing and slay some more poon. Boy, I was never more wrong in my life and paid for it. About two or three months after they broke up, me and her started dating. It was a very serious relationship to me and she lead me to believe so. Along with many declarations of love, sappy-poetry, and promises to lose our virginity to eachother, I couldn't think of any reason why it wouldn't be serious. The relationship began to deteriorate after the peak, because she was grounded and could barely have contact with me and because she still had a lot of feelings for my best friend. I had not learned of the latter until my big fuck up. We eventually broke up on December 13th (my only bad Friday the 13th ever) after two weeks of her refusing to talk to me. Boy, was my 17 year old heart broken. What happened next was my first fuck up. I took out all of my emotions on her on text because I was about to cry when she told me in person. I unloaded all of my pent up frustration and anger on her. I screwed up so badly that I made her cry until her shirt was soaked from her tears. (I never once threatened her or abused her. I just told her emotional things like I was a rusting tool that she got tired of and threw me away with no consideration that I could have feelings for her.) Up until April, neither of us spoke a word to eachother or even looked at eachother. Meanwhile my buddy was in and out of many relationships. Most of them ending with him cheating on the girl. I helped him through some of it, but we began to drift apart slowly too. A week before EOC testing, we began to flirt and talk again. Boy, that snapped me out of my "depression" real quick. I thought maybe I would have another chance to fix what I fucked up. We began talking more and more and she confessed that she was still in love with me, and I was elated. Fuck, I couldn't think of any time that I'd been happier this year. For about a month we were confessing things and flirting with her, but just as I was to pop the question after preparing for it for a while, she began to not talk to me anymore and began flirting with my best friend. Reminds me of this post. (http://i.imgur.com/MtjjWkD.jpg) I hadn't noticed that they were talking and neither of them told me until the last day of school and award ceremony. She didn't talk to me that day and I hung out with my best friend that day, but he didn't mention it. He didn't mention that he was taking the girl I had been falling in love with for years away from me. After that day ended and the first day of this summer had began, which was this Thursday, they had spent time together, kissing and she was in a train car with him, laying on his stomach. I found out about this from a photo he posted on instagram. They still didn't tell me and I was only beginning to get suspicious of it. I commented on it with a "." and he told me to text him. While texting him he asked if I was in love with her and to tell him the honest truth. I told him I was, and in return he decided to throw out how I felt and replied with an, "alright man." She still hadn't talked with me since the ceremony. I was hurt, betrayed, stepped on, and pushed away. At that point, I felt stomach pains like the emotional cunt I am. I let these emotions get in my way and in so, I fucked up by letting it ruin two friendships. Two friendships that are now not salvageable. Last night I was hanging out with my other close friend to get my mind off of the two of them. That didn't work because when I told him the story he messaged her and her idiot friends, telling them how big of assholes they were to me. I don't hold it against him because I think him being there for me will help me get over it when I eventually do. (That's optimistic for a realist) This is where the TIFU comes in. I messaged him and told him that I don't want any harder feelings than they have to be, and told him I have to cut them off if I'm ever going to be happy. He understood what I was telling him and how I felt, and our friendship ended in a relatively non dramatic way. When I messaged her, I knew I would fuck up and an emotional war would ensue with the casualties continuously racking up on my side. She replied with a bitchy, "Ok" along with the okay hand signal emoticon. Boy, did that fire me up and I did the most immature and selfish thing I could have done by getting fired up. I unleashed all of my frustrations yet again, which I explicitly told myself and the few people I trusted with this, "I don't want to unleash my emotions this time. I want it to be as low key as possible, so I could move on as soon as possible." I sent her text message after text message of how I was betrayed and how I couldn't forgive them. All I wanted was to know before hand, so that this emotional train-wreck could be noticed before it slammed into my pathetic fragile self on the tracks. She kept replying with smart-ass remarks. (I deserved all of them for how I reacted to the situation) This made me even more hurt and I continued the battle up until four AM last night. I've been browsing Reddit, mostly /r/HorriblyDepressing, ever since so I could get my catharsis on and let go of all of my emotions.
TL;DR- Today I fucked up bad by ending two friendships in an immature way, including a friendship with the girl I was deeply in love with because I felt betrayed.
kinda_alone: Shit sucks man. I hope things turn around for you soon.
Phyrric: Thanks bruh. I hope they do too. I just need to focus on other girls I guess and have some fun before my highschool career ends. I'm just glad someone cared to read my rant.
Master_X: Thats a great mind set. Honestly it only gets better after HS. It sucks right now though, I know, a lot of us have been there. At least you are able to admit you didnt want to end it this way with either of your friends. But theres no sense in hanging your head over this for the remainder of your HS days. Keep looking for forward and have some fun.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1401666391 | 1401668549 | t3_272gfx | t5_2to41 | 7 | Rickmerunnin: TIFU by sneaking around with my "girlfriend"
I (19) had been seeing a girl (18) for nearly a year before I broke things off with her in February. I was away in another state for college at the time and she was still in high school.
A few months later we talked while I was home for Spring Break we talked things over and decided we would start talking again. this lasted for about a month and a half before I ended things again, I had some things I needed to sort out with another girl. When I finally returned home for the summer we met up briefly, I apologized for messing things up and we decided that we wanted to see each other, only at this point her parents had told her that she was not allowed to date anyone until she left for college in the fall. So left with nothing else we went back to texting hoping that the situation would change.
Fast forward about two weeks to Thursday and her dad is at work and her mom is on a plane to Florida, while both of my parents are at work. I think this would be a great time for us to hang out without anyone knowing. We live in a small town of about 2,500 but we still didn't think anyone would find out. So she comes over to my house parks in my garage and we go in to my house and all seems well, so things start to get a little intimate. We have our fun and she is on her way before any of our parent are home.
Literally 10 minutes after she lives she calls me in hysterics saying that her mom knows she came over. Let me remind you that her mom was on a fucking plane to Florida at the time. So she's in deep trouble, no phone and no car for the foreseeable future and she's not allowed to see me at all. We still tried to message on Facebook to decide what we wanted to do about our relationship.
Fast forward to today and somehow, I don't know how, her parents supposedly read through her old text messages that she deleted some of which were pretty explicit, her parents are pretty conservative. So they interrogated hoer about all the things we had done sexually, which at this point was pretty much everything besides actual intercourse and they're in a rage. Her exact words are that "they don't like me and have no respect for me."
Before this me and her parents had gotten along pretty well. Now she wants me to wait for her until she goes to college saying that she will be able to do whatever she wants, and her parents won't have any control over her. I don't know what to do. I like her but this is just absolutely insane, and in a town this small it is only a matter of time before I run into her parents. If I end things now it will just seem like I was using her for sex and I definitely don't want that but I don't know if our relationship can ever be okay if her family hates me, because they've always been a really close family.
Tl;dr: Snuck my on/off girlfriend over to my house now her parents think I'm the spawn of satan.
xTerraH: 1. Dont make this into a full blown relationship(in the sense shes the love of your life, etc)(keep your options open) because in all honesty it will be a massive struggle to keep under control
2. Fuck the parents
3. Live happily
Rickmerunnin: Thanks! I especially like number 3.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1401664690 | 1401821574 | t3_272dzh | t5_2to41 | 138 | ksomwfpd: TIFU by going to my coworkers birthday party
So, my coworker may or may not have a reddit account so I will alter the names and such, but this story is a little unmistakeable.
I recently got a job in the IT department at my local college. My new coworker, we'll call him Fred, invited me to a birthday party this weekend (technically this is a yesterday I fucked up) along with everyone else in the office. Now, I've been working there for only about a month but I have picked up on the social stratification in the office. Basically, Fred has been isolated because he is…well, for lack of a better word, a super nerd. I know some redditors may take offense, but I don't mean this negatively. For some reason high school stratification between the "cool" kids and "weird" kids carries on throughout life and just won't die. I like Fred. He's a very nice person with some social quirks, that's all. But nonetheless, people in the office tend to avoid him.
He approached me on Friday before the party and told me that he and his girlfriend have an open relationship so if I see him messing around with other girls at the party, he's not a shithead. Fine. It's not my thing, but I don't give a damn if it's yours, dude. I didn't think much of the comment; It seems like it would be a normal thing to inform someone of because snap judgements can be made and all that.
Yesterday I had a dinner to go to at my boyfriend's house that was going to cause us to be a little late to the party. My roommate was also going to come with because she had nothing else to do.
We end up getting a little lost and make it to Fred's apartment at about 9:45. I was pretty hesitant because I do not know Fred too well so I had no clue how this party was going to go. I assumed it would not be socially "normal", but I didn't know what it would be. We walk in and no surprise, socially quirky people as far as the eye can see (which truly wasn't that far because the apartment is teeny). No problem, I can be pretty awkward socially sometimes so its nice being around people who don't care one way or another how you act. It started out alright, just a lot of people we didn't know. We were given name tags, which was kinda odd because there weren't more than 30 people in the apartment and introducing yourselves to people isn't so tedious. But hey, maybe not so unhelpful for someone uncomfortable doing that. Unfortunately, things escalated rather quickly. My other coworkers were there when we arrived but left promptly after. I heard Fred make a comment about them staying for a short amount of time.
As we had arrived I noticed a guy in the corner massaging a woman's shoulders. By the time I looked back about 10-15 minutes later, there was another woman forward straddling the woman sitting down and shoving her tits in her face. This goes on for about 5 minutes, all the while my boyfriend and roommate and I are brainstorming excuses to leave. Fred comes in so I figure I have my chance to spit out some lame story when he proceeds to stick his finger up the girl's ass straddling the other girl. She goes "no you have to stick your whole hand up my ass" to which Fred replies "sorry, I'll do that next time" We are not the only people in the room because the rest of the party has moved into the living room and is watching. An older middle aged couple sitting near the massage blob starts reaching for limbs.
I immediately give some shitty excuse about work in the morning and literally run out the door. If that is your thing, then fuck as many people at the same time as you want. Orgy your heart out, for real. But that is NOT my thing even a little. Work tomorrow should be interesting...
TL;DR: Last night I fucked up by bringing my roommate and boyfriend to a coworkers party that was turning into an orgy
Edit: When I came into work he said "so the party didn't hold your interest?" I pretended I had a phone call and fled the room....SOS
imsoverytired: Holy shit I did not see that coming. How dare Fred do that?! Who the hell does Fred think he is, not sticking his entire fist up that girl? Downright disgraceful.
ksomwfpd: to be fair, it was not literally up her ass, just up her dress but the delivery address was her ass hole
imsoverytired: Don't cover for that sicko! He knows what he did, and so does that poor girl...
ksomwfpd: Lol she was into it! we were the odd ones out
Totsean: Maybe you should try it next time.
| 6 | 23 | |
1401667564 | 1401730765 | t3_272i2p | t5_2to41 | 218 | [deleted]: TIFU by kissing my best friend
So last night my best friend, who may I add is a girl, and I'm a guy, was over my place and we were watching a movie in the basement alone with the lights off. After the movie was over we decided to watch some stand up. One thing led to the next and I kissed her. She was put into a state of shock and didn't talk for the next 30 minutes she was over. Only getting her to smile slightly at my puns I crack out every 30 seconds, but no talking. When I drove her home I hugged her goodbye and we always hug before a goodbye, but it was the only time she has never hugged back. The last thing she said to me was "I can't process what just happened" I've tried talking to her since but she won't reply. It's been a day, so I'm hoping she can get past my impulsive act of stupidity. Literally the scariest moment in my life. I've never been so scared of losing someone in my life.
TL:DR kissed best friend while she was at my house and now she won't talk to me.
Edit: Throwaway accounts are for pussies.
Edit 2: Her boyfriend broke up with her 2 weeks ago (which makes this fuckup bigger, should have waited longer)
Edit 3: She texted me and things can go in literally any direction at this point. We decided to talk it over, face to face tomorrow.
Edit 4: She was dreading to see me today and came up with an excuse for why she couldn't talk about it. I'm going to try as hard as possible to stay friends, it is worth far too much to me. Thank all of you for the kind words and advice. It helped far more than you could imagine.
Edit 5: We talked and it's looking like we made up. Things are looking better.
willyscape: One does not simply *exit* the friend-zone.
[deleted]: Learned that the hard way
fingiez: Still it sounds as if you really like her and regret stealing a kiss from her. OP you need to man up and be glad for what you did. Talk to her about your feels and see where you stand
[deleted]: She knows how I feel, and has for about a week now. The way I look at it, I have too many balls for my own good. I shouldn't have done that. Did I mention her boyfriend dumped her 2 weeks ago? Yeah, I had balls to kiss her that soon.
fingiez: OP how old are you?
[deleted]: 21
fingiez: You'll be fine. Treat her nice as always and don't relinquish your masculinity. Be both alpha and caring and you'll win her
[deleted]: I'll try my best fingiez
fingiez: Do or do not, there is no try.
[deleted]: She just texted me, ill give you an update after.
ribbondino: Can we have the update? :<
[deleted]: Still talking to her, she has made some jokes along the way. At one point she said "So not only did I make u regret your first kiss but u didn't even get to enjoy your first kiss... God dammit"
Yes it was my first, don't judge me.
I pulled back pretty fast, realizing my mistake, so thats what she means by not enjoying it.
ribbondino: How old are you? (Not wanting to judge, but since you said not to it makes me assume you're a bit older, I guess.)
Everything is definitely fine. She's responding favorably and it sounds like it's going to work out well! I would never joke about it or say anything like that if I regretted/didn't really like the guy kissing me.
[deleted]: 21
ribbondino: There's nothing at all wrong with that. There's nothing to even judge lol.
Let us know what the end result of the texting is!! Sometimes I feel like I'm living vicariously through various Redditors...
[deleted]: I'd be happy to tell you how it turns out. Wish me luck.
ribbondino: Please do and good luck. Be calm about it. Go with her flow and don't suggest anything, even in general. Let her talk and make the decisions. You just need to listen and nod and say you understand. Make sure to tell her you would never do anything that made her uncomfortable and reassure her that no matter what everything is going to be okay. Be open for a hug but don't expect one.
I went through a similar thing last year. Make sure she feels safe and comfortable. For me, backing off and being "there" is what helped (I'm with the new guy now). You don't want to become a rebound, so make sure to tread carefully. Don't take advantage of her vulnerability and even if she tries to do something, remind her that you don't want her to rush anything and that she should only do something she is 100% comfortable with.
Honestly if you are that good of friends you should have no problem with this stuff. Just be her friend and almost pretend like nothing happened. Kind of look at it all objectively while you are with her if you can. But whatever you do, do NOT let your emotions show unless she makes a move first, and even then, be careful because you don't want her to feel guilty for not making you happy.
Complicated situation is complicated :/ I think you'll do great though. Oh, and remember that no matter what comes out of this face-to-face meeting, whether it be rejection or acceptance, don't think she will remain consistent and don't get too comfortable with either outcome for awhile. She's fragile and has no idea what she wants/wants to do and may very well change her mind multiple times.
[deleted]: Thank you, I needed that.
[deleted]: From what you've described, she probably had no romantic interests in you so just remember that she's not going to ever forget this. It was probably one of the more shocking moments in her life, and these kind of events rarely transition into a romantic relationship and most often end the current friendship.
You can beat the trend though if you play your cards right and I think ribbondino's advice is the best on here. Get her to at least not look at this negatively.
| 20 | 10.9 | |
1401667352 | 1401709139 | t3_272ht4 | t5_2to41 | 87 | Sam3323: TIFU by buying cheap condoms.
So this happened last night.
I'm a high school senior and my parents went out last night for a fancy dinner, leaving me home alone for the night. So of course I invite my girlfriend over for a few hours because as a high schooler, alone time with your girlfriend in a house is hard to come by. I break out my cheap condoms I bought a week or two ago and we have sex in my room downstairs. After about 7 minutes, I hear the door open upstairs followed by an anxious "Hello!" from my mom.
She knew my girlfriend was over, that was no big deal, but the fact that we were in my room was a big no-no. So we jump up and start getting dressed. I see that the condom I was wearing broke and snapped back to form a ring around the base of my penis. I didn't have time to finish so, no worries right? WRONG.
I put gym shorts on and she gets dressed in what she came over in and we take the walk of shame upstairs to meet my disappointed parents. They don't mention anything in fear of embarrassing the girl, but I know a serious talk is coming my way sooner or later.
This is when the cheap condom comes into play. As my erection goes away, the condom ring starts to slide off my penis and fall off right onto the floor. I don't notice it because it didn't make any noise when it hit and I didn't feel a thing as it slid off. I walk over to get some iced tea out of the fridge as my mom goes "What's that?" pointing to the condom ring.
She fucking picks it up off the floor, and stretches it out to see that it is in fact the condom that was being used not five minutes ago. She screams out of terror of what she had just encountered and drops it back on the floor. I'm way too embarrassed to try to explain myself so i just say I'm going to drop off my girlfriend at home and I'll see them in a little bit. As you can imagine, my girlfriend was more embarrassed than me, but I have to go home and tell my parents that I never came and they have nothing to worry about. My parents are also very old fashion and were very shocked that I'm having sex at my age, which they can't believe some how.
catsrule362: And that's how I met your mother!
Sam3323: We will find out in a few weeks if that's how this story will end...
HoneyBadger115: GOOD LUCK OP!
Sam3323: She IS on birth control, so I think we'll be good. Thanks for the support though, reddit.
meckiivg: I might be lucky, but my partner and I have had this happen and I am on the pill. No baby though.
If she can get it, help her get the 'morning after pill' just to be safe :)
| 6 | 14.5 |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.