start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1401669724 | 1401681847 | t3_272l1w | t5_2to41 | 132 | throwawayspongefuck: TIFU by attempting to masturbate with a sponge and injuring my penis
About 10 years ago, a girlfriend of mine attended one of those tupperware-party like parties, except where they sell dildos instead of tupperware. She came home with a nice big rabbit vibe for herself and some kind of spongy sleeve thing that "she could use on me". We played with it together once, and I enjoyed myself with it many times. Not long after that we broke up, and I enjoyed myself with it more often.
Later, when I was about to move in with my current wife, I had to make a decision about whether to keep it, maybe try to keep it hidden the sock drawer or something, or just reduce risk to zero by tossing it in the trash. I was getting laid all the time back then so, I decided to toss it, but as I did so, there was a vague feeling of regret, like - I might need this again some day.
Well, my wife is breastfeeding our second child right now, so here libido is down to zero. I've been taking matters into my own hands a lot lately and thought about purchasing another little friend. Instead though, recently while browsing for porn, I came across a "make your own fleshlight" type article. The chick described taking some sponges, soaking them in warm water, putting them in a solo cup, adding lube and going at it. Seemed like it would work, and I had an unopened package of sponges, so I took the requisite supplies into the shower and gave it a go. Maybe I was using the kind of sponges or something, but it was not enjoyable at all .
I was about to give up and go manual, when I realized I also had a "Mr. Clean Magic Eraser". The material is firmer, so I thought that might be enough to get things going. I added some lube and gave it a few enthusiastic pumps. It was slightly better, but still not quite "good". I have resigned myself to the fact that I should just get a fleshlight and hide it well and for now I would just finish up manually.
The next moment, I looked down, and to my horror there was blood seeping from the head of my penis. Erection destroyed. Party over. Out of shower dry off. What to do? tell wife? No way- tell Reddit. And so here I am. The tip of my penis is shiny like burn victim on one side. TIFU badly.
Edit: As a I re-read this, I think perhaps I did not adequately describe the extent of the problem over here right now. It is excrutiating for any clothing, including underwear to come in contact with my penis. It is a red shiny mess - think taking a cheese grater to a tomato. thinking about how in gods name I'm going to get through a day of work tomorrow.
adviceanimalscancer: It's too late now but those magic erasers are basically very fine sandpaper. Good luck
Jimmacle: Not to mention I think they have cleaning chemicals on the white side.
i_pk_pjers_i: Well, on the bright side.... At least his penis is clean now.
| 4 | 33 | |
1401670287 | 1401673945 | t3_272lt8 | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU By not checking before i started the drier.
the_dinks: I removed this post because it was not your fuck up. Please feel free to submit again in the future.
Jc1deraj: How should i resubmit this?
the_dinks: I don't think you can. The fuckups HAVE to be self-fuckups, otherwise, it changes the sub. What I meant by my above message was that I wasn't issuing you a warning or anything. Sorry, man :/
Jc1deraj: Oh okay thanks, I'll try to find a more relevant sub to post it to. Thanks for letting me know :)
the_dinks: no problem. hope to see you again in the future!
| 6 | 2.166667 | |
1401672719 | 1401673123 | t3_272p92 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: One year ago, TIFU by leaving the only guy that loved me...
JJamesP: What happened?
fingiez: OP thought the grass was greener
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1401672178 | 1401682470 | t3_272oh1 | t5_2to41 | 85 | LiteraryPandaman: TIFU by vomiting after finally kissing my dream girl and best friend
This happened a few years ago now but it still makes me cringe.
I got dinner with a good friend of mine at a diner. She was lovely and pretty and I was super excited to go on a date with her! It was really flirty and nice. We went back to my place to watch a movie.
When we got to my apartment, I started feeling a little iffy. The burger I had was a little rare but I still ate it. Who cares, right? We watch the movie. And I look over at her, lean in, and kiss her. It was adorable.
And then. Oh my god.
My stomach started sounding like a burly sailor guffawing at my lovemaking move. I pulled back quickly. "What's wrong?!?" she asked. I shook my head and clasped my hand over my mouth. She looked insulted until I ran. It was going to happen.
I made it halfway to the toilet when she stopped me and shouted, "What the fuck??" I then threw up on her. My dream girl. She was in such shock, I don't think it computed at all for her. I'll never forget the look of just incredulous disgust in her face. I got the rest in the toilet.
I'll never forget it. She was standing in the foyer, covered in my burger, just looking horrified. "Oh my god, was I that bad?" she asked me jokingly, but I gave no reassurances as the storm raged in my belly. I finally started shouting between hurls.
"You're all good!" [barf] "I'm so sorry!" [barf] "I'm --" [baaaaaarrrrfff] The last one was the worst as I puked out towards her and then she promptly puked too. She couldn't handle it. She ran out of my apartment barfing.
TL;DR TIFU by puking after the first kiss.
Skiddlywingles: I'm just going to assume you two ended up not living happily ever after.
LiteraryPandaman: Yeah that was the last date. We see each other now and then but it really doesn't come up at all.
Skiddlywingles: ._. I guess it's best that nothing comes "up" anyway. At least you guys were still able to maintain contact afterwards.
| 4 | 21.25 | |
1401674489 | 1401760044 | t3_272rnn | t5_2to41 | 39 | analith: TIFU by not checking the washer
This actually happened a while ago but to this day I cringe every time I think about it and my mom still makes fun of me for it.
So I was putting a load of clothes into the washer one day, when I glanced into the barrel of the machine it looked empty so I just went ahead and started the cycle. I went upstairs and about 10 minutes into the wash I hear the incredible shaking and banging sound coming from the laundry room. Me being an idiot, I ignored it and went out for a walk with my boyfriend and the dog.
We got back an hour or so later and the washer had been done long enough for the barrel to drain so I started unloading it and getting ready to take the clothes out to the line. As I'm lifting a wad of jeans and T-shirts from the washer something large and black flopped onto my feet. I look down and IT WAS A GIANT BLACK DILDO STILL IN THE HARNESS. MY MOM HAD BEEN CLEANING HER DILDO IN THE WASHING MACHINE. I didn't notice it initially because it's black and so is the inside of the washer. I was so dumbfounded I just left everything where it was and asked my mom to go finish it for me. As soon as she got down there I could hear her laughing hysterically.
Tl;dr my mom's dildo and harness were hiding in the bottom of the washing machine and I didn't discover it until fell onto my feet.
strikes_from_the_sun: I've never cleaned a dildo in the washing machine. Isn't that bad for it?
analith: I have no idea. I don't own one so I know nothing of the care and upkeep a dildo requires. Since this incident I have also had the misfortune of finding it in the dishwasher. Not sure if she was just messing with me at that point or just trying to new ways to clean it.
[deleted]: > I don't own one so I know nothing of the care and upkeep a dildo requires.
Far too defensive to be telling the truth... lol
analith: Hey man there's nothing wrong with having a dildo, if I had one I would have no problem saying so lol.
| 5 | 7.8 | |
1401674922 | 1401906399 | t3_272sau | t5_2to41 | 51 | Throwawaygfdhfdhjgfj: TIFU By asking my ex soon-to-be wife to agree to a prenup
I am using a throwaway account because I have not told my friends or family yet, and they look at my profile from every now and then so I would like to tell them about this mess later.
I am 25 fresh out of college wih a girlfriend of two years. A week ago I asked my girlfriend (Let's call her Susan) to marry me, and she screamed yes. We moved in together, and began thinking of our future life plans kids, where to live, etc... After a week of announcing to all our friends and family that we are getting married, and getting the conglaguatory slaps on the backs from my buddies I decided it was time to save us both from eachother.
I know that half of all marriages end in divorces so in the event Susan and I need to leave eachother I want to save us from eachother. I love her very much, and would hate for a fight to break out in court where I would fight for her stuff, and she would fight to get my stuff. I felt that this would be the best way to make sure that in worst case we can both wtill be on our feet and not as hurt as other friends we have seen get divorced.
I approach Susan in our kitchen counter she had just finished brewing some coffee for us. We hug, and she tells me about all the plans she has for the wedding, and what wedding planner we should go to. We are all happy and this is where I fucked up. I tell her that before we get married I would like to get a prenup. Susan didn't know what this was so I explained to her that a prenup is so when we get married if we divorce we keep the stuff we entered the marrige with, and split the things we got after. She looked at me with her blue eyes silent just starring at me. She then cries so I try to hug her then she does something that gave me my first clue that I fucked up, pushed me away. She cries on my couch for a little bit, and I stand next to her saying that we are a great match for eachother, and that our marrige will not fall apart. She slaps me on the arm and runs out the door taking her car.
I go sit on my bed texting her trying to get her attention, but to no response from her. I am scared at this point I call the neighbors and ask if they have seen her. No one has. I call my friends and they haven't seen her. I call my grandmother and ask if she has seen her, and to my avail she has seen her car driving South down Cleveland Ave. I was relieved because her parents lived just a few miles east of Cleveland. I decided to grab a bowl of chips and sit by the T.V. in hopes of maybe being able to think about my next move. I think about how I should approach her and say that I never would have asked for your hand if I didn't think we would work, or I want you to know I will never leave you we are soul mates for each other just like God planned for.
I get a vibrating noise in my pants, and whip out my phone to finally see a text from Susan. I am just going to copy and paste it here. "<My Name> I can't believe I actually wanted to start a life with you. I can't believe I ever meet such an asshole who only cares about himself and has no trust for me. You are a disgrace, why did you have to do this. We could have had the perfect life like we talked about and you don't trust our dream enough. We were perfect for eachother God planned us that way and you just destroyed it. I am at my parents house and I dont plan on coming back. I am sorry you have such deep trust issues. Have a nice life without me."
-Susan"
I tried telling her that I have complete faith in our relationship that I would have never taken her hand or asked for it if I didn't feel that we were a fantastic couple for each other, and that a prenup was only for when major changes happen in our life and we need time apart from each other we are able to avoid court room drama that would tear us apart. She didn't respond.
I paced around my apartment for about two hours when I finally get my last phone call from Susan. She tells me that her dad is coming over to my apartment to get her belongings, and she would like time to herself for a while. I felt like the biggest asshole at that point. I decided it's best to seem like the nice guy for her dad so I repack Susan's stuff into the boxes she brought when she moved in, and wait. At high noon I get the knock on the door it's Susan's dad. I let him in without saying a word and walk him to the boxes. He grabs a box at a time insisting he doesn't want my help. Finally on the last box her dad walks out the door, and right when he does I tell him this, "I want you to know I feel sorry for the drama I have created. I hope you can find it in you're hearts to forgive me for the problems currently unfolding." He stares at me saying nothing, and then just walked away. I am now sitting at my computer typing this still trying figure out what my next move is.
Today I fucked up.
EDIT: Typos
candyqueen1978: even without a prenup, finances, etc. need to be discussed and agreed upon BEFORE marriage. marriage is more than just a wedding day. i don't think you fucked up at all. you addressed an important situation BEFORE any fuck up could occur.
ribbondino: I agree wholeheartedly. I understand why OP's (ex?)fiancee was upset, but that extreme of a reaction is a bit much, even if she was offended.
Me and my boyfriend have discussed this and we are both 100% okay with a pre-nup. You really never do know what could happen until it does, then she/he has run off with your car, house, and kids.
candyqueen1978: my family is traditional and they STILL discussed finances. the budget was always discussed when i was growing up- it's a part of running a household , marriage and being an adult.
ribbondino: I know what you mean. Mine were so irresponsible with money it was ridiculous, and they had a lot of fights over it. I don't mean the occasional scuffle, I mean all-out screaming, slamming doors, taking car for a ride fights.
candyqueen1978: oh that's awful. i don't know if there were money arguments. if there were i never saw them. seems like my folks had planned everything before they got married though. my parents didn't marry until my dad paid off his debts, my mom lived with her parents to save up for married life, my dad found a steady job and they had put a down payment on a place. (no living together til marriage, though!)
| 6 | 8.5 | |
1401675280 | 1401677569 | t3_272st4 | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by messaging my girlfriend
A little context: I'm 17 and she's 16 (4 months younger than me) and we live about a half hour apart and we are both very active(she's a diver and I'm a swimmer) so I rarely get to see her. Recently, her mom is being crazy about her getting all her homework done before she's allowed to do anything like use her phone or come to visit me. Yesterday(Saturday) I received a text from her mom saying she wants me to respect her rules and not contact her daughter until she gets everything done. After a while, I heard from my girlfriend and everything was good for the night. We chatted all of today, and a few hours ago she stopped responding. I then receive a message from her mother saying I broke her trust and that I'm no longer allowed to talk to my girlfriend. I responded in saying I was sorry for my own confusion, and that I wouldn't break her trust again if she gave me another chance. 2 hours later and I still haven't gotten word back from her mom or her. Any suggestions?
PassiveFire: I'd wait until tomorrow and ask your gf in person to let her mother know that you didn't know that she had started her homework and stuff for the night
GarnetSteel: I agree with this comment. You can also ask for permission to allow your gf to text you and LET you know she is doing homework. That way you're not completely clueless and get in trouble when you're "clearly" not allowed to text her.
How are you supposed to know better? You're not in her house, you don't know what your gf is doing every minute of the day! It should be up to your gf to let you know that she is and will be working on hmk, and she'll talk to you after.
So wait the day, then talk to her mom. Respecting rules can also come with some negotiations to further allow you to respect them. Just explain "I am more than willing to respect your rules regarding texting your daughter. To make it easier to do so, might I suggest that your daughter may be able to communicate to me that she is doing homework and will talk to me later so that I am in the loop and able to comply allowing her to finish her homework in a timely manner?"
edit: adding stuff in.
| 3 | 7 | |
1401675179 | 1401728589 | t3_272soa | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by not stopping and committing a hit and run.
So I really messed up tonight. Everything was normal until I was coming home from work about two hours ago or so. As I entered my neighborhood, I wasn't paying as close attention as I should have been, since I had a long day at work, and I couldn't wait to go to bed.
Anyway, I was coming around a turn at about 40mph, which is slightly fast I admit, and all of a sudden there is a person walking their dog in the fucking middle of the road. Before you start telling me I should have seen them, you really can't with that turn. Its a sharper turn right, and the house on the turn always has their RV parked right out front, so its kind of a blind turn.
It was an older woman, and she was on the curb side, with the dog walking farther out towards the middle, and when I saw them, it was too late to swerve away, and I ended up hitting and running over the dog. In those few seconds, I really didn't have time to think and I got scared and just sped up and went through the rest of the neighborhood and parked in my garage and shut the door.
I can't imagine the dog survived, and I feel really bad, but I can't help but think my life will be over if I get caught. It was the lady's fault for walking her dog in the middle of the road, right?
So now I am probably wanted for reckless driving, animal cruelty, and who knows what else. I think I will clean the blood off my car bumper in the morning.. This fucking sucks!
Voyager5555: You're the reason shit like this happens
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chante_Jawan_Mallard
autowikibot: #####&#009;
######&#009;
####&#009;
[**Chante Jawan Mallard**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chante%20Jawan%20Mallard): [](#sfw)
---
>
>__Chante Jawan Mallard__ (born June 22, 1976 ) is a woman from [Fort Worth, Texas](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fort_Worth,_Texas), who was convicted and sentenced to 50 years' [imprisonment](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imprisonment) for her role in the death of a 37-year-old [homeless](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homelessness) man, Gregory Glen Biggs.
>
---
^Interesting: [^Stuck ^\(2007 ^film)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stuck_\(2007_film\)) ^| [^Mallard ^\(surname)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mallard_\(surname\)) ^| [^Nizam ^Peerwani](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nizam_Peerwani) ^| [^List ^of ^films ^based ^on ^actual ^events](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_films_based_on_actual_events)
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| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1401665300 | 1401730220 | t3_272eu1 | t5_2to41 | 16 | PlayNintendoAllDay: TIFU by not crashing at my friend's house; crashed my car instead
This was actually 2 years ago.
So at my old job - working at an audio-visual company - I had a particularly busy week. I had to do audio and video for a major health conference and i had to set up most of the stuff by myself. between setting up, running the conference, and striking, i put in about 32 hours in 2.5 days. Very tiring. I went to bed that night at my usual time but didn't think anything of it.
went to work the next day, and had a regular day, and then went home to get ready for a gig i had with my band at the time. i should also mention that at the time i was seeing a girl who suddenly pulled the 'i don't think we should see each other any more' card on me, not to mention the stress of my job was piling up (I was already looking for something else). I took it upon myself not to have a drop of beer that night; obviously, because I was driving. I had a lot on my mind and i was more tired than i realized.
After the gig I dropped my friend off. He offers me his couch, and i politely decline, citing prior plans the following morning (it was Easter long weekend and Good Friday was the next day; I had to be at church). So I start the 45 minute drive home.
Everything was normal until I was about 10 minutes away from home. I fell asleep at the wheel, and for about 5 minutes I cruised. I think because I had done the drive so many times before, my body was used to things subconsciously. I hit a highway median at 120km/h (75mph for the Americans), spun three times, and then came to a stop in the middle of the highway. it was 2am, so there was minimal traffic. I managed to somehow get out of the car (without getting hit!), dial 911 and then my mom at home, and wait for an ambulance.
I'm so very grateful to be alive, but I still kick myself from time to time about not taking up my friend on his offer to sleep over.
TL;DR - worked super overtime, played a gig, didn't stay at my friend's place, fell asleep and wrecked my car.
Ticklemypicklee: Glad you're okay!! I read somewhere (I can't remember where) that driving tired can be just as bad/worse than driving drunk. Be careful man
untiltehdayidie: I know Mythbusters did an episode on that, and the 24 hours without sleep was something like the equivalent of 3-4 beers.
Ticklemypicklee: I didn't know that! It's kind of a scary thought actually, because exhaustion can hit you in the middle of driving somewhere
| 4 | 4 | |
1401675871 | 1401763025 | t3_272tph | t5_2to41 | 59 | waygook1284: TIFU through no fault of my own, and it is incredibly shitty.
So the morning started off like any other, I woke up with my fiance and had a cup of tea and showered and got ready for work. By the way i work in South Korea as an English teacher at a government elementary school. I finish my tea, kiss my fiance goodbye and go wait outside for my bus to work...
While at the bus stop I feel my stomach give a little rumble, no biggie I think, my cup of tea usually loosens me up for a good morning poop at work. My bus arrives and I get on it, it is choke a block full of students, only standing room. I squeeze in and find a spot that isn't completely filled with kids on the way to school. My stomach gives another rumble.
I'm early and feeling good, this week we have two days off due to elections and memorial day, I day dream about the free time and what we are going to do this weekend. My stomach feels a bit uncomfortable, I have the urge to poop, I hold it in and think how nice it will be to punish the toilet when I get to work, the bus ride usually takes about half an hour, this is five minutes into the ride.
We get to a bus stop and some kids get off and others get on, I adjust my spot so I can see the tv on the bus, another rumble and cramp, it's getting a bit bad but we are moving along nicely, it shouldn't be too long until I get to work.... Rumble rumble cramp...
Okay it's getting a bit bad now, stomach is rumbling and cramping, I have goosebumps on my arms every time my stomach does something... I can hold this, just don't fart on the bus, you can do it.
We get to the stop before mine, a big high school, almost everyone on the bus gets off, I see my co-worker who I always take the bus with, the urge to shit is too strong for me to say hello, I have my legs half crossed. We get to our final stop and everyone get's off the bus, I walk briskly toward my school, not too far you can do it. Stomach is still cramping and rumbling and the goosebumps come and go. I great the head teacher at the main entrance and the headmaster as I pass him on the play ground, the kids are all shouting my name and saying "good morning teacher!!!!". I say hello but hurry along, I am almost there, I decide to make a bee line directly for the bathroom on the second floor, the one closest to the entrance.
I enter the teachers bathroom, the principals bathroom, it only has one stall in it and a sink outside the stall. I hurry to get into the stall and close the door, any second this shit demon is going to erupt from my bowels and wreak havoc with this world. I drop my briefcase and feel this shit about to erupt, I reach for my belt, my knees are buckling from the pressure... I try to get my belt undone but in my haste it gets stuck and I feel it..... I start to shit in my boxers... I manage to get the belt undone and I rip my pants down and continue this disgusting shit over the toilet...
The inside of my boxers look like a bad Indian curry, I am in full panic mode, the shit is flowing... I kick of my shoes and try to take off my pants so the sloppy shit doesn't soak into them. I get them off but in my haste I spread shit on the outside back part of my pants and belt... I get my boxers off too. I am sitting with my shirt on socks on while my ass explodes into this toilet, I fold up my boxers and put them in the bin next to me, I know I can't leave them there for fear of being found out...
The shit subsides and I am left to contemplate my shitty situation. I grab some toilet paper and prepare to try and clean up what was my ass and buttock area. It's worse than i thought, my entire ass is covered in runny poop and it is running down one of my legs and is even somehow on my balls. I wipe and wipe and wipe... The it happens, I run out of toilet paper, how the hell could this get worse????
Luckily (if you can call it that) I managed to clean the majority of my ass and surrounding areas I get my pants back on, I managed to wipe off the visible shit, but they still smell. I stand up from the toilet, boxerless and with shitty pants on, I decide to try and tuck my shirt in and pull my pants up, I need to find another bathroom to continue the cleaning process.
I turn around and look at the toilet, the poor bastard never stood a chance, there is shit all over the seat where I was sitting with my shitty ass. I can't leave the principals toilet in a state like this and then I look at the dustbin... There crumpled up and filled up with my waste are my boxers, the evidence I can't leave behind. I take the shit filled underwear out of the dustbin and manage to turn them inside out and let the majority of the shit fall into the toilet. Why has my god forsaken me... I flush the toilet, it is still in utter disarray. I can't leave the stall and use the basin because I am terrified someone will walk in and see me washing my boxers in the basin... I summon my courage up and throw my boxers into toilet and begin washing them in the toilet water, it had been flushed but still I was washing my boxers in a bloody public toilet... I flush several times while hand washing the boxers from hell, they are wet but relatively shit free, I use the wet boxers to clean up the shit on the seat and under the seat and around the general area...
I can't just walk out of the stall with a wet pair of shitty boxers in my hand, so I put them inside my briefcase and wish I had a plastic bag in there, I don't. I leave my shirt untucked because I don't want to get shit on it from my ass. I pull my pants up and buckle my belt, I pick up my briefcase and leave the stall, I quickly wash my hands several times with soap and exit the principals befouled bathroom...
I rush to the next mens bathroom one floor up, in there I again whip my pants down and commence cleaning away the shit remnants in my pants, I wipe down my pants belt and wipe the shit off the back off my pants. I open the stall and wet toilet paper in the sink outside and return to the stall and try to clean away this disaster as best I can.
I go to the staff room, luckily just my one co-worker is there, I am half an hour late for work, I explain I was not late but I was "sick " in the bathroom and I had a runny stomach and vomiting. She makes some idle chit chat, all the while I know I have wet shitty boxers in my briefcase. She leaves for a moment and I grab a trash bag and put the offending boxers in the bag and back in my briefcase, I have five minutes until my 80 minute lesson starts...
I am not sure if I actually smell like shit or if it is just in my mind, I do the eighty minute lesson and try to keep as far away from the students and homeroom teacher as possible, it is done now and I really hope they didn't smell me... In the break my co-worker gave me some medicine and I went to the bathroom, there is a shit stain on the back of my brand new shirt... My second lesson I just went to and the homeroom teacher told me I look pale and sick and told me to take a rest, so here I am writing this out for all of reddit to see.
I have one more lesson after lunch and then a two hour period of sitting in my office... Today has been a shitty day...
If any of you sick bastards want proof I can take a photo of the boxers in my briefcase and the brown stain down the back of my shirt...
From now on I will always carry a clean pair of boxers with me...
Worst day ever...
icecyrax: Mate you should have started unbuckling your belt before you got to the toilet.. rookie move. Good luck to you though
Prospekt01: Pooping expert here.
icecyrax: One learns by failing..
waygook1284: And I failed in a spectacular fashion... :(
icecyrax: That you did. Did you get home undiscovered?
waygook1284: I did, then I washed everything twice, threw away the underwear and showered like five times, still felt dirty... Today is better though, haven't shat myself, so I have that going for me...
icecyrax: Bonus that nobody discovered you, people may have had their suspicions though...
waygook1284: Yeah I skipped having lunch with the staff, I've never done that before, hopefully no one says anything and I can just leave this shitty memory behind me.
| 9 | 6.555556 | |
1401678466 | 1401680252 | t3_272xfb | t5_2to41 | 15 | Garobomber: TIFU By causing a car accident.
So, earlier today I was driving with my siblings around town. My older brother called me and told me he needed a quick ride to Best Buy. I agreed and I picked him up at our house and we left for the store. After an hour of looking around while he gets his stuff done, we finally leave.
While driving back home he asked me for another favor which was to drop him off at his girlfriend's house. She doesn't live too far so I once again agreed. On the way there I needed to make a right turn so I turned on my signal to let the driver behind me know. Before I made the turn, there were these pedestrians walking at an incredibly slow pace. The kind of walk that tells you they just don't give a shit about what happens. I didn't want to drive past them because I was afraid I was going to run them over. So I drove into the street just enough to let the other cars pass, but then suddenly I hear a loud pop. I look back and I see that the car behind me has it's trunk totally busted. I stop to see if everything is okay and the passenger of the other car tells me to just go. I was confused and shocked so I just did what she told me to. The whole drive home I was shaking and I felt sick. I still do feel sick. I'm confused on the idea of whether it was my fault or not. I hope they're okay.
TL;DR Gave my bro a drive to GF's house. Slow walking pedestrians didn't give me enough space to move into street causing two cars behind me to crash into each other. Insert massive guilt trip.
greekmarblechisler: It is not your fault that other drivers are too impatient to allow you to do the right thing for pedestrians while driving. Try and realize that no matter how big your hurry, or any other driver's hurry is, pedestrians always have the right of way. You did the right thing. The other drivers were impatient.
Garobomber: I really appreciate the comment. I just didn't know how to react at the moment and I felt so bad driving off. I really do hope they're okay.
greekmarblechisler: It will be ok. Anyone in your shoes would be shaken up. It sounds as though it was probably a minor accident since they were not hit so hard that they hit you from behind. I hope comfort for you :)
Garobomber: Thank you very much! :)
| 5 | 3 | |
1401679149 | 1401697805 | t3_272yfj | t5_2to41 | 35 | ishouldnthavesmoked: TIFU by getting way too high on prom night.
Yesday was my school's prom. It was my senior prom so I decided to ask the girl of my dreams. I proposed (prom-posed??) by writing her a song and playing it on guitar at lunch in front of literally the entire school so she basically had to say yes. She ended up saying yes.
Fast forward to the after party. We both had a really good time, I ended up winning prom king which added to my already quickly inflating confidence. We flirted the entire night, drank a lot, and eventually ended up finding a bedroom, claimed it, and ended up making out. She was giving me tons of signs that we would eventually having sex. But it was still kind of early in the night so after 30 minutes or so we decided to go back downstairs to party with everyone else for a little longer.
This was my first mistake.
As we were downstairs, a group of my friends came up to us and asked if we wanted to go outside and smoke. She doesn't smoke but insisted that I go and we would just meet up afterwards. I reluctantly agree and go outside with supplies in hand.
This was my second mistake.
It ended up being really good weed and I smoked waaaaay more than I intended to. Which, in turn, caused me to be waaaaaaaaaay more high than I intended to be. We all went back inside and I didn't know what the fuck was going on.
Anyways, I don't exactly remember the night, but the next morning she tells me this. Apparently while we were in bed she kept trying to make moves but I just kept talking about the universe and trying to figure out how we could turn star matter into an alternative fuel source. (I'm telling you guys I was stoned out of my mind).
The next morning comes around and I wake up to a very pissed, very hot girl laying next to me. I keep trying to make it up to her but her reply is always the same: "You missed your opportunity."
FUCK.
tl;dr: I got way too high on prom night and missed the opportunity to hook up with the girl of my dreams.
Whatsheordered: i have never been that stoned that i missed some hanky panky!
infact weed puts my sex drive into overdrive lol
CUNTASAURUS_REX: This is so true. I think OP is full of shit
jeff_purple_wiggle: Yep. I was expecting the ending to be a mass green-out due to mixing booze and weed. Perhaps vomiting in the bed, or all over the girl, or both. This was just lame and certainly not true.
The very first time I got stoned, I giggled my ass off at a joke (which I still think is pretty funny) for a good 10 mins and then got laid by the joke teller. Sex drive into overdrive alright, can confirm and have been confirming it ever since!
What's yellow and smells like bananas? Monkey vomit.
| 4 | 8.75 | |
1401678876 | 1401731116 | t3_272y0t | t5_2to41 | 1 | Mhysa-luv-u-longtime: TIFU by having ice cream and not using the potty before settling for game of thrones
Tonight I fudged up (pun completely intended) royally before sitting down to partake in my favorite Sunday ritual which is game of thrones! Now usually, what I tend to do is wait around until 9:55 and feel out whether or not I'm gonna be able to hold the contents of my bladder in for the full hour length of the program. I usually make the mad dash to the toilet after the recap of last week's episode and play a little game which I like to call "can I finish my business and wash my hands before the end of the theme song?" Typically I am the victor in this matching of wits and it is my nearly undefeated record that caused the hubris which occurred tonight. As if I wasn't taunting the gods of fate enough, I decided to bring a pint of peanut butter swirl ice cream to bed with me to enjoy while I basked in the nude and violence filled glory that GoT. Things were going great, I was enjoying the mini peanut butter cups I had added to compliment the nutty flavor; Khaleesi was slaying as she always does; and my body was of course in the optimal stage of not wearing pants in bed. Life was good that was until the gurgling occurred...
I felt it, I felt it in my loins, I knew it was familiar but I figured hey we only have 20 minutes left we got this! I was focused, I was getting ready for the climactic final 5 minutes that always makes you wish the following Sunday was seven days away! The gurgling just wouldn't let up though! I decided to forgo my comfort and pace around a bit to buy myself some time. The walking helped but only for brief while. I officially had ze bubble guts. Now in the past I've been able to gamble on my tummy and expel a tiny amount of relief gas to help tide me over until I was able to find a convenient powder room, but alas fate was not on my side. I attempted to let out a tiny cute girly bunny fart but what happened was not at all adorable. For a split second I thought I was safe, that maybe I just imagined making a fudgie in my pants, but my fate was sealed. I hightailed it to the bathroom and let loose the fury of a thousand ice cream cones. I was ashamed, I was disappointed but mostly I was surprised. I was completely befuddled by the power GoT has over my free will and decisions. But my shame didn't last for too long. I picked myself up, dusted my self off and returned to my room to think about what had just occurred. But I did catch the last five minutes and the preview for next weeks episode so I got that going for me!
Tl;dr I became so wrapped up in game of thrones that I literally shit myself!
davb64: Got is boring anyways
Hodorss: Seeing as the majority love it. That makes me really intrigued what do you think is awesome?
LordCommanderCam: I imagine he is a very capable chess player.
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1401683374 | 1401832011 | t3_2733z1 | t5_2to41 | 19 | Harryboltsfan: TIFU by recommending a gym to an African American guy because of its tanning beds.
So I wasn't really thinking when this happened, but I was talking with a co-worker about gyms and he is a member of one I used to go to. I told him about this new one I now go to that's way cheaper and has pretty much all the same amenities as the other one. He asked what it had, so I start rattling off free weights, treadmills, other such equipment, lockers and showers, etc. As I was thinking of what both had in common, I blurted out that it had tanning beds. I then went to name off some other features, but he stopped me mid-sentance and asked if he really looked like he needed a tanning bed. I then turned bright red and realized my mistake and stood there in silence before he started laughing about the situation. Thankfully he saw I wasn't trying to be rude or a jackass and we laughed about it for a minute before going on our regular conversation. Funny in retrospect, but damn did that seem like a fuck-up at the time...
Prospekt01: Is shit like this really a problem in America?
Harryboltsfan: Well race is sadly such a sensitive subject that we pretty much walk on eggshells when in the presence of mixed ethnicities. White people have to monitor everything they say, and other races have to try to not egg on stereotypes perceived by others. It is odd we can't just call someone a jackass or hero without considering ethnicity, but it sadly is the world we live in stateside. Hopefully I can fix that by offering tanning beds to dark skinned people, one conversation at a time. I'll keep ya posted!
Iroshizuku: I think you're way too sensitive and that is the racist thing.
Black people will not fly off the handle the second you say something "offensive". They are just normal people. Relax.
Harryboltsfan: Yeah, unfortunately I tend to over think some things and I worry too much about offending someone or making them feel like I treat them differently. I didn't really have a racially tolerant parent, so I just really want to keep a more open mind than them so I can judge people on merit, not race. I never did consider them not normal, but here I go over thinking things again! I'll relax ;)
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1401684258 | 1401689474 | t3_27352s | t5_2to41 | 3 | 69username69: TIFU by picking up a girl while I am in a relationship...
IfathSayed: NONONONONONO. DO NOT DO THIS. I was in the same situation. I thought it was okay to be with the guy cause he genuinely had feelings for me. And I got into a relationship with him. And it reached to an extent where I'd force myself to fall for him and I convinced myself that I had feelings for him. But then, things got way messed up and I was better off without it. Like he stalks me now :'( So please, NO!
And he still thinks I had feelings for him cause of my stupidity.
69username69: So do leave her for the redhead?
IfathSayed: Tell her what you really feel about her. Ask her if she's comfortable with the fact that you don't really have feelings for her. I know it's going to be difficult, which is why I never did it. But you really should. It's better to be honest. Tell her you do get attracted to other girls for this reason. Let's see what she says.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1401684474 | 1401746278 | t3_2735d4 | t5_2to41 | 239 | TJeffersonsBlackKid: TIFU by peeing on a customer
So I am a server at a sports bar and late in the evening, I realized I had to take dump. I was in one of the handicap stalls with phone in hand and had just finished crapping and was about to urinate as one does just after crapping. Suddenly, I heard the bathroom door open and simultaneously I realized the door to my stall was unlocked. What I should have done was just sit there and accept my mistake and stare awkwardly at anyone who walks in and apologize or something but hell, this is 1AM. I do what I want. I decided I would hold back my piss and shuffle the few steps over to the door to lock it. Right as my hand is about to push the lock in, this dude swings the door open. He looks like he has about a dozen shots in him. He looks at my face of horror and then down at my junk which is staring back at him.
At this moment, my mind went into overdrive and I panicked. I proceeded to release the piss. Right onto him. For a full second I proceeded to urinate on a customer while on duty. I managed to turn my schlong away and, eh, gather myself. I fully expected to get my ass beat. He looked at me with wide eyes and mouth hanging open and said "Bro, I am so sorry man!"
I just pissed on him and he was apologizing to ME. He went into the other stall and I went back to doing my business. He probably puked and he did not emerge for nearly half hour after that looking like he had been hit by a bus. He did not see me as he stumbled out but I imagine there was some very hard explaining to do to his friends as he smelled like piss and had liquid stains all over his pants.
jkeirnan: > and was about to urinate as one does just after crapping.
Wait... I pee at the beginning of my crap. Am I the only one?
LuisPalomera: Piss then shit. There's a reason why it's called 1 and 2.
PSA; Always wipe south. Even dudes. Always migrate south before the UTI hits you like a semi.
khfreek: I don't usually wipe my penis and anus with the same toilet paper
clipomatic: Who wipes their penis after pissing?!?
khfreek: Uncircumcised people who don't wanna spend the extra time shaking it out of their foreskin.
Pollomuhku: Might wanna try to pull it back before pissing if you've got that much foreskin hanging around
| 7 | 34.142857 | |
1401684999 | 1401687236 | t3_273618 | t5_2to41 | 4 | Prince-Oberyn: TIFU by not finishing a fight.
GoingPole2Pole: What.
Elori: Even.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1401686834 | 1401690863 | t3_27387l | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by using kik and talking to a Perverted Justice agent
vociferouswad: Youre just a patsy that fell for a scam. Perverted justice wouldn't take bribes use some common sense.
You got had by a scam artist because you're gullible. I bet you send $300-400 to those fake FBI lock screens too.
[deleted]: She send me a screen shot that looked like a report. And the information on there is very legitimate. Even though this is a scam I think is a lesson learned for me. I don't know what I was thinking.
vociferouswad: yeah scam artist make up fake papers and shit so dumb people are more likely to fall for it. Like I said Perverted Justice wouldn't let a pervert off with a bribe...
[deleted]: What I do now though? I already sent her an amazon gift card but it has not been paid yet. And if she is real, I don't want my information to be sent. I'm clueless and I feel horrible right now.
vociferouswad: you are not a smart man...
You're obviously a Pervert
You're gullible
You gave a scam artist your information
You still believe "she" is real
You cant spot a "red flag" to save your life
[deleted]: I guess we all learn one way or another. And I actually needed that so thank you (not sarcasm). But what should I do after I cancelled the money? How do I confront her and make sure she is not joking?
vociferouswad: forget it happened and stop being a Pervert...
[deleted]: I will and honestly this is my first time doing this.
vociferouswad: Yeah and you were just going to go to her house, and drink lemonade and eat cookies too...http://s289.photobucket.com/user/HikoTanifuga/media/Dumb%20Pictures/chris-hansen-2.jpg.html
[deleted]: I don't know if this will be true or not.
| 11 | 1.454545 | |
1401667287 | 1401748560 | t3_272hpz | t5_2to41 | 43 | rubberphil: TIFU by walking into my housemate's room naked (NSFW)
I live in a house with two other guys, at the moment our landlord is renovating parts of the house and some of the rooms. It's a five room house, and two of them have been renovated and are unoccupied. Sometimes I like to jerk off in one of the unoccupied rooms for a change of scenery. So earlier today I decide it's time to do just that and head into one of the unoccupied rooms with my schlong out. What I'd forgotten was our landlord making plans with each of us individually to swap rooms around over these next weeks so he could renovate all the rooms.
tl;dr Nonchalantly walked in on my studying housemate with my tent pole out.
toooquiet: What was his reaction?
LintGrazOr8: OP pls!
rubberphil: Like a deer in headlights. I tried to play it cool.
toooquiet: I have a lot of questions…
Why were you naked in the common area of your apartment? Is this normal for you? Who decides to jerk it, strips naked and gets boned up before? Were any words exchanged? Just baffling. Thinking this prob didn't happen.
LintGrazOr8: C'mon, haven't you heard of the circlejerk treaty
| 6 | 7.166667 | |
1401681450 | 1401716909 | t3_2731hj | t5_2to41 | 42 | AshamedSoThrowaway: TIFU by leaving the restaurant too early
My girlfriend and were out at dinner tonight. There is this really good pizza place in our city that we haven’t been to in months, so we decided that we would go out there tonight. We order our pizza, enough it, and then as soon as we are done, eating, I ask for the bill. We pay and leave, making out way back to her apartment, which is about a 12 minute walk from the resultant. We are walking and talking, just chatting about the usual couple stuff. We get to about 3 minutes from her apartment complex when I can feel I have to fart. Whenever I am with her and I have to fart, I just kind of do it a little bit at a time. I let just a little one go when I realize that my fart felt way wetter than it should have. To top it off, I get that feeling of “you have a gallon of liquid shit stored in your colon right now”. All I can think is “Oh fuck”. We are still a few minutes away from her apartment, so I know that I’m in a bad position. She lives on the 4th floor, so I know that if I try and make it to her apartment, I have two options: walk up 4 flights of stairs or wait in the lobby for the world’s slowest elevator. I remember that there is a public bathroom on the 2nd floor. I’m not confident that I can make it up the one flight of stairs, but I like those odds better than simply having to wait for the elevator. By this point, I can really feel it; I can feel my butthole starting to give. I tell my girlfriend that I’m going to run ahead and use the bathroom on the 2nd floor. She looks at me really funny, but says “Ok”. I start to speed walk, clenching my butt cheeks together, knowing that there is a tempest brewing. I get into the building, and get to the stairwell as quick as I can. I get into the stairwell and my stomach lets loose a rumble and I kind of feel a bit better. I think I have a fighting chance here now, so I start to ascend the stairs, knowing that my destiny lay somewhere 10 feet above me. Step by step, I know I am getting closer to my porcelain angel. “GRRRGHHLLLLLGGHHGLGGHG” says my stomach, telling me that my time is pretty much up. My asshole, valiant in its effort, is fighting a losing battle. I get to the top of the stairwell, final at the same level as my Shitter Savior. But as I open the door that puts me in the hallway toward the bathroom, I simply cannot hold on any longer and a little bit of liquid shit trickles out of my bum bum. My eyes light up, knowing what I am in for. As a 20 something year old male, I can shamefully say that this isn’t my first time at the proverbial rodeo. A few years back, I shit my pants in public and I am well aware of the disaster of Once It Starts, It Won’t Stop. I know that even though I’m about 30 feet from the bathroom, I am about 30 feet too late. That first little bit came out and my sphincter sealed tight. Then a second later, a bit more comes out. I know that my bowels have gained sentience at this point and are going to do as they will, so the only thing I can is try to get to the bathroom as fast as possible with getting as little shit on the floor as possible. I push my hand up against the bottom of my ass, to prevent a literal river of shit from flowing out of my pants, like a smelly Nile to the Mediterranean. I am waddling just as fast as I can while my digestive system rejects everything I have put in it over the past few hours. I can feel my asshole pulsating, I can feel my pants getting heavier, I can feel my dignity committing suicide. Every step, more and more shit just pours out, like I somehow had a sewer main hidden in my ass. I get to the bathroom, throw open the door and get in the closest stall. Thank Christ there wasn't anyone in there; thinking back on that situation now, I don’t know how I would have handled the situation had others been in there to see me in this state. I get into one of the stalls and sit down, but of course I have completely voided by bowels at this time just simply in the wrong place. I sit there in total shame for a few seconds, trying to figure out what to do. I have pants full of shit, liquid shit all down my legs, and shit splattered all over my ass, cock and balls. I simply say “fuck it; wet pants are better than shit covered pants” and I just take my pants off and throw them in the toilet. I proceed to flush probably 15 times while holding my pants, just trying to get as much feces out of them as possible. I then use literally and entire roll of toilet paper in the process of cleaning my most private of areas. I get through the entire roll, but still have some whipping left to do. I figure “What’s just a little more shit” and proceed to wipe my shit covered ass cheeks with my shit covered pants. I run my pants through my make shift washing machine 2 or 3 more times. At this time, I simply have done everything I can with the resources at hand, and after spending 10 minutes in the bathroom, I put my soaking wet pants back on, walk back through the hallway (which I can see has little drop of my watery mess), go into the stairwell and walk up to her apartment. I get there and she has the hockey game on. She asks me what the hell happened, so I tell her. She laughs and tells me I’m gross and to go take a shower. If I had just waited around 10 more minutes at the resultant, I could have caught the situation before anything happened
TL;DR : I left the resultant too early, I shit my pants, hilarity ensues.
ElectricAcid: Have you ever heard of a paragraph man?
Jesus, if anyone reads all that, they deserve a medal.
undercon: Where's my medal!?
| 3 | 14 | |
1401690851 | 1401742268 | t3_273cf2 | t5_2to41 | 90 | VsAcesoVer: TIFU by watching the ISS fly by overhead
My girlfriend called while I was on the way home from work to tell me that the ISS was going to fly over our apartment tonight, and we'll be able to see it. It's something that she has always done since childhood, but I had never seen it, so I was excited and got home as soon as I could.
I got home and when the time came, we went on our back patio to wait for the fast-moving dot to appear in the sky. Naturally, we closed the door behind us, to keep mosquitoes from flying in and eating us alive while we sleep. Just as we see the ISS coming over the building next to us, she had a realization: our balcony doors lock by themselves when the door is shut. Sure enough, we try the door and it's locked.
That wasn't going to stop me from watching one of humanities greatest achievements sail by in that brief window. Meanwhile, she was saying "Oh my god....Oh my god..(ad nauseam)". Then it hit us that we didn't bring our phones, nor our keys. We're also not on the ground floor, so we were stuck.
This was about 10pm, and we had to yell and bang on the surrounding walls to get a neighbor to investigate. He had to call the emergency property management line and authorize them to use the master key to get into our apartment and let us back in. They also charged us for it.
But I got to see the ISS!
felixg3: Nice to see some casual, not fucked up TIFUs.
GenAmbroseBurnside: I'm just going to assume OP and his girlfriend are actually brother and sister
felixg3: Why not both
[deleted]: Two kinds of people...
| 5 | 18 | |
1401691707 | 1401692676 | t3_273d7m | t5_2to41 | 6 | Chuckles22: TIFU By going to IKEA
buttonscrubber: eh, dosen't sound too much of a fuck up. Good to catch it now before it really caused any big problems. As of the moment, having to sleep with light and needing to get a new bed does seem really annoying to have happen
Chuckles22: In the long run yea its better to have caught it, at the time it sucked.
#livesinthemoment
#onlygetsbetterfromhere
| 3 | 2 | |
1401692417 | 1401753648 | t3_273dvl | t5_2to41 | 83 | LiterallyJustPorn: TIFU by watching a facebook video [NSFW]
So I saw that one of my friends liked a post on facebook, and being curious I looked into it. It went something like this "OMG [GIRL] JUST POSTED A VIDEO OF HERSELF MASTURBATING". I looked into it and found out she was supposedly 13. Thats where I should have stopped. I continued onto a facebook community of the girl and found the 30 second long video and watched it, thinking it was a joke or something. It wasn't. I think I'm going to nuke my hard drive now.
I'm 17 for reference.
TL;DR: 13 year olds and facebook are bad. Very bad.
ZANY_ALL_CAPS_NAME: Delete this, before chris hansen shows up at your house.
nicksmeat: Why do you have those wine coolers and trojans?
YouDoneMessedUpAAron: Why don't you just take a seat right over there
| 4 | 20.75 | |
1401694693 | 1401696012 | t3_273fu5 | t5_2to41 | 24 | Down_To_A_TEA: TIFU by getting pooped on
So, I have this lady friend who I've been canoodling with for the past little while. She invites me to Atlantic City and of course I'm all on board.
After a long and wonderous day on the boardwalk we get some dinner with the family and then hit the bar. We got our drinks in and go back to the room. Me, being the wet blanket that I am, immediately fall asleep to Bar Rescue only to wake up 40 minutes later to catch her and her brother at another bar downstairs ( we all share a room).
After a little more drinking and some light hearted slots we all head back upstairs to smoke and pass out. She immediately sprawls all over the bed we share and I jokingly nudge her over to her side of the bed as I sit down to watch T.V. with her brother.
Well, the booze has apparently gotten to her because she quickly wakes up feeling sick, leading me to courteously relocate the trash can next to her side of the bed.
After about 45 minutes of her throwing up and me attending to her I finally notice the first signs of the aftermath. Next to her leg is a friendly little smear of poo. Brave soul that I am, I proceed to lift the blankets to assess the damage. It was bad, like worthy of this subreddit bad. A decent smear was on my brand new jeans and the entire bed was left uninhabitable.
Now I begin the damage control phase. I wrapped a towel around my face Etzio style, grabbed a roll of toilet paper and another damp towel, and went in there.
After many futile attempts to wake her up so that she could get up from the bed to allow me to remove the bedsheets and promptly burn them, I was somehow able to get finally get this information through to her. Her eyes widen as she realizes her situation and she proceeds to drunkenly drag her ass along the bed like a dog trying to clean its butt in her escape to the bathroom.
Now comes the worst part. Her parents are staying in a room attached to ours with its own little door. She eventually starts making enough commotion in the bathroom to wake up her mother, who comes into the bathroom to help clean her.
After a bit, she drunkenly stumbles out of the bathroom, naked as her name day, to a chorus of worried screams from her mother. This wakes her father up, just as my naked lady friend drunkenly sprawls on the bed next to me (keep in mind, this is my first time meeting her parents for an extended period of time, and it hasn't been established that were at all romanticly involved yet). So, her father bursts in with her drunkenly sprawled next to me and her mother freaking out. Her father yells at me to get off the bed and I promptly slump into a nearby chair and wish myself off this planet entirely.
I don't see how I could ever comfortably face her parents after this... At least for the next few months.
TL;DR: Went to Atlantic City with ladyfriend , she got too drunk and pooped the bed, then made a scene by drunkenly stumbling naked amongst her entire family before plopping beside me to make it look bad for when her father came in the room
theonejarjarbinks: A gentleman would have shit himself as well so she wouldn't feel self-conscious.
Down_To_A_TEA: I'm sure that would have improved my image to her parents immensely
| 3 | 8 | |
1401698836 | 1401768960 | t3_273iyw | t5_2to41 | 2,303 | drunken-mistake-bro: TIFU by getting so drunk that I made a serious mistake with my sister (nsfw?)
I'm gonna try to make this quick, I just want to get it out there so it's not eating me up anymore.
My sister and I decided to take a multi-country trip.
Got this amazing vacation package tour.
The second night we're in the first country everyone in our group is at the bar drinking it up (drinks are unbelievably cheap). Me and my sister are doing shots with this couple from Australia. I'm doing okay, but my sister is tiny so she's not doing so great. Eventually she just passes out and we all keep drinking. It gets late so we all say goodnight and head to our rooms. I try to get my sister up but she literally can't walk, so I just end up carrying her. In the elevator she comes to and asks what's going on. I tell her we're going back to the room and she just nods ok and drapes her arms around my neck. At first I think she's just going to go back to sleep or something, but she starts nibbling my neck. I laugh and say something like "Wow, how drunk ARE you!" but she keeps going. By the time I get to the room she's getting more into it. I was fairly drunk, but not drunk enough so this wasn't having an effect on me (but I guess drunk enough that I didn't register how messed up it might have been). Luckily no one from our group saw us. I opened the door, laid her on her bed, and she immediately started taking her clothes off. I must have been on auto pilot because I didn't even think about it and started getting undressed too. I'm not going to go into details, but yeah, we ended up having sex. Without a condom.
The next morning was weird to say the least. I think I was more embarrassed than she was. I woke up and realized where I was, naked in bed, and who was next to me. Also naked. I tried to ease out from under her arm without waking her up but I didn't succeed. I just heard "Oh fuck, did last night really happen?" I couldn't even talk I was so embarrassed. She just got up and went to the bathroom without bothering to get dressed. I put my clothes back on while she took a shower. She came out wrapped in a towel and told me the bathroom was all mine, but don't take too long because we needed to talk. That was the longest 5 minute shower of my life. When I came back out she was dressed again and sitting on her bed waiting. She just immediately started by asking what I remembered from the night before. I told her everything that happened from her passing out to her waking up in the elevator, and then my recollection from then until I fell asleep. She said yeah, that sounded about right. I asked if we should be worried because we didn't use a condom, but she said it might be okay because she was on the pill (she got some pregnancy tests anyway. Luckily came back negative). Then we confirmed that neither of us had anything that we might need to get tested for, so that was a relief. She mentioned that it was odd that she was more concerned with all of the usual things she has to worry about after she sleeps with a guy and less about the fact that she just did it with her little brother. It was kinda funny, but at the same time kind of worrying. Like why weren't we freaking out about this more than we were. Anyway we just kinda confirmed that A) that was a mistake, B) it will never happen again, and C) no one will ever know about this.
The rest of the trip was surprisingly alright. Apart from her taking it easier on the drinking, she didn't appear to be acting any differently. I tried not to let it get to me, but every so often I would look at her and remember what we did and kind of freak out about it a little inside, especially if she was in her bikini or underwear or something. She must have noticed because she asked me if I wanted to talk about it, but I just told her it was fine. (in hind sight I should have taken her up on the offer, but I was too embarrassed).
We're back, now, her at home and me back at school for summer. I kinda want to talk to her about it, but I don't know if I can bring myself to.
[edited to remove possible identifying details.]
_Holic_: If you can't keep it in your pants, keep it in the family.
drunken-mistake-bro: I wish I could think up a witty retort to that, but honestly, I'm so mentally exhausted from revisiting what happened that I'm going to have to try tomorrow.
I_Smell_Panties: Maybe you shouldn't have fucked your sister, dude.
drunken-mistake-bro: Obviously, but maybe you should try being in a situation like that and see how you handle it.
I_Smell_Panties: Well to start, I don't have an underlying lust for my sister. Or vice-versa.
And being drunk isn't an excuse. A drunk mind speaks sober thoughts.
drunken-mistake-bro: I know, I'm definitely not trying to excuse myself for what happened.
I actually feel pretty shit about it. If I had a time machine, that night is going to be my first stop.
nugohs: I'm not sure turning it into a threesome will help.
Octopus_Tetris: Oh wow, man.
But if he were to have a threesome with himself, would it count as masturbation?
Darken_Rahl1: I think it's called Eiffel-Towering.
OooNoYouDidnt: menage moi?
| 11 | 209.363636 | |
1401704346 | 1401734138 | t3_273n2q | t5_2to41 | 5 | idungoofedsohard: TIFU by letting someone run away with all of my money
Backstory: I buy and sell phones of Kijiji (similar to Craigslist) as a hobby to pay for basic fees such as school, recreation, etc. I meet up with this one guy that sells me a phone and keeps in contact with me. He sells me another phone two days later and few other after that.
Note: As long as the phone isn't stolen, I don't really question how they got it - which is obviously not a very good idea. I guess I have just accustomed to trust people.
Today I get a text from him saying he has 10 phones that he'll sell for $2700 (his friend supplies him). We go back and forth and everything seems a bit sketchy for me - something feels wrong. The guy doesn't seem very smart, so I doubt he'd plan to set me up from the beginning with this kind of deal, but he's saying weird shit and is trying a bit too hard to sell me something that seems to be too good of a deal to be true.
Terms: I give him $2700, he goes into house (his friend doesn't want to talk to anyone else), he brings phones out and gives them to me and gets % as a cut.
However, being the greedy beast that I am, I decided to take a gamble to check out if he was legit or not. I spend all my time preparing for different situations (if he has a gun, knife, etc.) and how I'll react to protect my safety. After grabbing a friend, I go to the address he sent me.
Everything looks good - the houses seem warm, the community is relatively safe, and it doesn't seem like a setting where a bunch of homies rush me with glocks out of nowhere. The guy comes and gets a count of the money, leaves his personal phone and "house keys" as collateral, and says he'll be back in 3-4 minutes. I check that it is his phone by sending a text and record the latter half of our conversation just in case something happens. I keep on the lookout for any guerilla soldiers that will pop up and mug me, and just waited... and waited.
I decide to man up and knock on the door. Some guy opens it and has no idea what I'm talking about when I ask him about the phones.
He ran away with the money lol - and I just let him.
-----------------
I'd say I'm usually a pretty conscientious guy, but today I went full genius mode (nat)... Greed and overthinking got the best of me.
Here's the thing: I have his phone, phone number, some useless keys, first name, and initial kijiji listing. I met up with him three times in different places and know the area he lives in.
I checked the Blackberry and everything that's on it doesn't look like it relates to him (the voicemail for the number has a completely different voice), but he has been using the exact same number and phone for the past two weeks. If it isn't his number, why hasn't it been deactivated?
Nothing makes sense in this situation and I can't wrap my head around what exactly is going on... Gonna go to the police tomorrow morning and hopefully get something sorted out. =/
_Azweape_: I have zero sympathy for you. Your fell-off-the-truck shenanigans has forced fates hand. Have fun telling the cops you got screwed selling stolen merch.
idungoofedsohard: wot
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1401703376 | 1401757892 | t3_273mbm | t5_2to41 | 2,923 | Hippieboy699: TIFU by letting my ex gf give me a hand job [NSFW]
OK, so first off. We have had sex multiple times. She still is on the shy side of sex, me being her first. She is basically disgusted by semen, and even though its weird, I don't mind it as I understand where she's getting at.
So me and her are driving around trying to find a place to bump nastys. We come to a nice orange grove and I pull in and we start. Now we change positions multiple times and we ended up in the back seat. As I'm about to finish(we have an agreement I don't finish in her but we get out of the car and she does it by hand) a car drives towards us and we immediately hop in the front seats and I'm trying to drive away and she's trying to cover herself.
We get away and we end up at a different groves. I pull in and explain I'm tired and I am about to finish. I ask if I can just lean the chair back and let her do the deed, she agrees until I ask if I can finish in her mouth. As to not get it all over the car(wink*) and she thinks for a moment and says OK.
So she's doing her thing and as I'm about to finish I tell her. She gets in place and moments before I cum, she screams and says she doesn't want to do it anymore. Within seconds, I'm cumming, shes completely let go of my member, and(because she's so thoughtful and as to not get my stuff around my car) she threw a cup which she "thought" had nothing in it. Worst orgasm ever.
Now my laps full of ice water with a cup on my dick and she squirmed in the corner of the door. I just looked at her, and then accepted my fate. I just reached back for my box of napkins and started the cleanup process as she proceeds to apologize to me for what she did. I told her its ok and I understand. But fuck. I should have finished outside.
TL;DR My ex gf threw a cup of cold ice water on my lap as I just started cumming. Bright side, my dick got a nice cup hat.
paxenb: I can see why she's your ex.
Hippieboy699: Believe it or not, but she cheated on me. And I had just found out! Haha I couldn't believe it.
Halucin8ing: Hoes gon' hoe.
Hippieboy699: But why couldn't she be my hoe:/
the_dinks: awwww this is cute
Hippieboy699: THIS IS TEARS
CakiePamy: You'll find your own hoe soon enough, OP!! :D Plus, summer is right around the corner. Girls wearing mini short shorts.
Hippieboy699: Yay now I can awkwardly stare at unsuspecting woman in short shorts! And still be alone at the end of the day.. haha
CakiePamy: At least you don't have to deal with "Were you looking at her? Is she prettier than me? WOW- FINE. Whatever. No, I'm fine. -Silent treatment- WHY DON'T YOU GO ASK THAT GIRL YOU WERE EYE-FUCKING." :) Hahaha, no really though. You'll find the right one soon.
[deleted]: Lol. My partner was looking at other dudes one night the other week. He was drunk at the end of the night and talking about one guy for what was altogether too long. I asked him if he was more attractive than me. Slightly sad when he said yes.
CakiePamy: Aw, but he's with you. Plus, I know it's upsetting but, there's always going to be someone who's more this and that than you. But, you are who you are and that's what makes you unique! :)
[deleted]: Haha. I know. It was just weird being in that insecure position momentarily. Pretty sure the other dude was straight anyway, so not a chance.
I'm really not remotely bothered though. I consider myself slightly above averagely attractive; Not gonna stop traffic (unless I do something stupid), but still gonna get checked out a decent amount in public. Not so attractive that people are too intimidated to approach and flirt. It's a good level of attractiveness.
| 13 | 224.846154 | |
1401717250 | 1401778894 | t3_273zyt | t5_2to41 | 98 | tiredmonster: TIFU by locking myself out of my own house and having the cops called on me
This morning I locked myself out of my own house. I just moved here so nobody recognizes me. As I'm trying to break in, someone tries to stop me and calls the cops. They are on their way.
Lock self out, attempt break on, cops called.
On the plus side, I have protective neighbours apparently.
UPDATE: Cops showed up, and I didn't have much proof I owned the house at that point because I hadn't switched my address over on my id, so before they got there I pulled up some emails verifying my first hydro / gas / internet bills, with my name and current address on them, as well as the final mortgage paperwork on the house (I had to screenshot the PDF's from my phone, but it was good enough). The cops or neighbors didn't really have too many doubts that I owned the house, probably given that I didn't take off, but I'm glad they are that careful anyways. I like my new neighborhood!
league_of_bellends: Bonus on the protective neighbours. But seriously think about having a spare key with friends or family or possibly a fake rock
A_Suvorov: Why not a real rock? What even is a fake rock, a concrete one?
league_of_bellends: No you can get fake rocks with a hole in the bottom to put stuff in.....like keys
A_Suvorov: Seriously? Goddamnit, I've been keeping a key smushed under a real rock for years now. Are fake rocks lighter too? That would be chill.
league_of_bellends: Oh you don't know the half of it! Not only are then lighter they fit right in with your other rock formations.
A_Suvorov: Goddammit. Now I feel bad for laughing last time someone tried to sell me a fake rock. It just seems like one of those things, ya know... real rocks are pretty much free, and have no function, so what the hell would a fake rock even be?
league_of_bellends: How can fake rocks be bad when loads of other fake stuff in great like fake boobs!
A_Suvorov: Yeah, but fake *rocks?* Doesn't that just sound unnecessary?
league_of_bellends: I hope your not being serious and have already noticed the sarcasm in my responses
A_Suvorov: Yeah I've been sarcastic since the first two as well.
Usernam123: Now kiss :3
| 12 | 8.166667 | |
1401717439 | 1401768932 | t3_27407i | t5_2to41 | 344 | dakupansa: TIFU by flashing my Aunt.
This just happened last night and it's probably one of the most embarrassing things I've ever done.
So, my aunt has been staying over my house for about a week now and she hasn't really bothered me and folks much. My aunt is about 60 years old or so (I can't really remember her age) and she's extremely quiet most of the time so it's easy to forget she's there.
Around 11:15 at night I decide it's a good idea to go ahead and rub one out. So I furiously start spanking the monkey and after a minute, boom goes the dynamite. So I walk into the bathroom (note: my bathroom has two doors, both parallel from each other. One goes into my room and the other into another room) whilst holding my semi-erect semen covered penis so I can find something to clean up with, and I see my aunt sitting down in the other room staring at me. In a hurry I flip my dick back into my drawers and shut the door. I haven't left my room since.
Guys, I know she saw me. I've never been so embarrassed.
TL;DR
Showed my aunt my semi erect semen covered penis.
Shaka-Laka: Holy shit.
When you go out just act all normal as if nothing happened. *Hopefully* your aunt will be just as embarrassed to see it and won't talk about it with anyone especially your folks.
dakupansa: That's exactly what I've been doing, and I think its working.
Shaka-Laka: Any updates OP?
dakupansa: Yeah, She said good morning to me. And nothing really seems out of the ordinary. So far, So good. I'm still trying to see how this will play out.
Shaka-Laka: What'd be fun is if you wink at her and walk away. :P
dakupansa: That would be awful. Some of you guys say some really fucked up shit. It's hilarious.
fallenKlNG: You must be new to Reddit.
xKripple_: I got used to the off the wall comments like an hour into reddit. Somehow my conscience was like "OHHHH MY PEOPLE!!!"
| 9 | 38.222222 | |
1401718009 | 1401718794 | t3_27411g | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally leaving 14 hits of LSD on my hat brim in 90 degree weather
I've got like twenty more minutes before I'm useless for a day and a half, so this can't be long, gotta get ready
Bought acid, needed to hide it for obvious reasons, it's quite hot outside and I've been sweating a lot.
Noticed my strip was soaked in sweat as it was pressed against my head.
Guys I'm kinda freaking out here
Source : never tripped before
Told my boss that I had a family emergency and my 90 year old grandmother was sick.
Grandparents are actually coming to stay here for a few days.
I'm freaking out here
What should I expect here
Tldr
Accidentally took a bunch of LSD, incontinent grandparents need changing, should I call a nurse, or my parents or a neighbor.
TIFU by accidentally doing drugs
Edit: tifu again because it wasn't all mine. Gotta pay em back now.
Edit: oh my god it's just as crazy as they said.
BitchesQuoteMarilyn: If this just happened you need to cancel all visitors who you would not want to know you're tripping if at all possible. You will in no way be able to talk to your grandparents. If you can't cancel on them feign sickness. Get a glass of water and lay in bed. You're going to be off your rocker pretty hard. Might want to get a friend to come over if you can. You're not going to be able to drive or any of that either.
Edit: Just to add, 14 hits is not lethal or anything, but you may not feel that great. You're going to have some stomach irritation but you probably won't throw up or anything. Like I said though, your biggest thing right now is making sure you don't have unwanted company. If you can't get a friend over just try and relax and watch some trippy movies or something.
imnotfunnyAMA: It's kicking in, they are twenty minutes away and all I wanna do is be naked and roll around the floor
BitchesQuoteMarilyn: Time to do the sick thing then. Your pupils are going to be so big you're not going to have an iris. Just pretend to be sleepy and don't let them examine you or any of that shit.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1401716525 | 1401730608 | t3_273z19 | t5_2to41 | 144 | [deleted]: TIFU by pushing a hot girl down the stairs on accident
Today I fucked up, Reddit. Just now.
It all started after my 1rd period. I was walking to my next class and this hot girl that I helped out earlier looked behind at me with a wink. I'm thinking in my head O.O, and then she "dropped" her pen, and I swear it was on purpose because she bent over when I was right behind her. So in this split second decision I chose to stay behind her instead of moving to the side.
This is where we both **fucked** up.
I guess she forgot that there were stairs in front of where she dropped her pen, and just as I realized this, my crotch was already at her butt, and I pushed her down the stairs with that force.
After she fell she started screaming and I tried to help her get up. She was constantly complaining about pain in her arm and im not sure if it's broken or anything yet. As I helped her, a crowd was already around us and most of them were thinking that I pushed her on purpose and that we were fighting, and a security guard grabbed me and took me to the AP's office.
He's not here yet. But I don't anticipate getting in any trouble, since it was her fault...
TLDR; Accidently pushed a hot girl down the stairs with my crotch after she looked back at me in a seductive manner and "dropped" her pen on purpose.
Prospekt01: Well done. Also "1rd period" infuriated me more than I like to admit.
JohnDoe_85: Fird period.
Prospekt01: I couldn't stop reading as that. Over and over and over.
LightLhar: I read it as 'firsterd period'
Ticklemypicklee: It's right before 2th period
| 6 | 24 | |
1401720941 | 1401755773 | t3_2745ff | t5_2to41 | 415 | dro_fi: TIFU by putting bleach on dick
this wasn't from today but it happened. i was feeling pretty horny, so i went into the bathroom to masturbate. i finished and there was some semen on the tip of my penis so i went for a wipe, i thought it was a baby wipe but it turned out to be a clorox wipe and my penis burnt really bad for hours. i prayed to god to make the pain stop and i'd never masturbate again, but after i managed to heal it i masturbated again. i also don't even believe in god so i dont know what's up with that
Fantastipotamus: Protip : Do NOT cut up jalapenos and then jerk off. It's like this but in an entirely different way.
Flaminglump: habanero juice is 100x worse
soyouwontknow: My ex wiped his nose and his friend took a piss immediately after chopping them up.
We joked about it for a long time.
Flaminglump: one time, my friends and i where hanging out and one of them said something to piss the rest of us off. we put habañero juice on the toilet paper before he went to take a shit. later there was a whole lot of yelling and laughing
soyouwontknow: That is soooooo mean!
But I would have definitely laughed really, really hard.
Flaminglump: he's a dick so its ok
| 7 | 59.285714 | |
1401722242 | 1401824888 | t3_2747i4 | t5_2to41 | 275 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting a call go to voicemail.
This was yesterday, sorry :c.
Anyway, I'm 17 and I'm looking for a summer job so I can make money over the summer. I put my Resume out there and filled out several applications in person and online. I got interviews in person and about 4 of them said they'd call me back. Well, In & Out called me back and I didn't get to my phone because I was in the car. Well, I just recently got my new iPhone switching from Andriod and it forced me to reset my voicemail. When I did that I made my recording "Snoochie boochie bitches leave me a message", imitating Jay (Played by Jason Mewes) a character who appears alongside Silent Bob (Kevin Smith) in most of Kevin Smith's movies. I had just watched Dogma and figured my friends would get a laugh out of it.
Fast-forward to yesterday, and just after the call goes to voicemail I realize my mistake. The guy didn't sound phased and asked me to show up to discuss the terms of my potential employment. I'm really hoping the manager is a Jay and Silent Bob fan. In the meantime, I've changed my voicemail to something a bit more professional.
I'm still mortified.
TL;DR: Snoochie Boochie.
EDIT: I got the job! $10.50/hr thanks for taking the time to read/comment. Regarding my Voicemail: The manager laughed and asked me what Kevin Smith movie I had watched. I think I made a friend and a good boss.
TauVee: I'm just wondering what you put on that resume to make In-N-Out actually call you.
10thMountain: high school diploma, can show up on time?
Cougs67: Won't show up baked, ample wrist strength for flipping burgers
10thMountain: If i cant show up baked to a minimum wage fast food job then I don't wanna live in this cruel world.
Cougs67: You only have to *say* you won't show up baked. It's a formality thing
| 6 | 45.833333 | |
1401719702 | 1401757314 | t3_2743jh | t5_2to41 | 253 | BigWheel95: TIFU By masturbating at work
So, I have a low pay, high stress job. During the summer all kinds of beautiful women stride in to get refreshments. So, one day, im taking a piss break and I start thinking about a customer in particular, and i start stroking. I surprised myself. At work really? Well, launch sequence initiated, no turning back. I popped one off as quick as I could and it was great, took some of the stress away. But in the heat of the moment I may have made a noise or two. I paused. The walls are paper thin, and I didnt hear any one in the break room next door. I holstered, and went outside. The table is filled with coworkers. No one says anything. One of the starbucks girls giggles, then quiets herself. I just nod, and head back downstairs.
TIFU: Popped one off at work, coworkers heard me. Who knows what will come of this.
UPDATE: I dont work at starbucks. There is a starbucks inside my store.
WittyOriginalName: For all they know you were just showin a turd who's boss. Next time you go in there yell "Who does number 2 work for!?!?!?!?"
BigWheel95: Who does number 3 work for....
slammyfart: I always thought number 3 was full evacuation
BigWheel95: if you just piss, its 1. If you piss and poop, poop trumps piss and its considered a 2. If you jerk off its a 3. If you jerk off and cum right as you drop a shit its called a korean elbow.
zman0900: "Number one, gold like God made the sun; number two, Good Lord help me go poo; number three, the Devil sets my sperm free"
| 6 | 42.166667 | |
1401719571 | 1401757652 | t3_2743bj | t5_2to41 | 372 | Shannon31083: TIFU by falling asleep on the toilet
This happened Friday night/Saturday morning, and I thought you all might enjoy my misery....I think I'll be telling this story for many years to come.
I'd been an insomniac all week. Not able to sleep, and only getting a few hours of rest every night for the last 4 nights. I get home from work Saturday evening and I'm exhausted. The boyfriend has made dinner, and says the neighbors have invited us over for drinks. He's already had a few and is ready for a rare night of drinking.
"Go ahead without me babes and have fun" I tell him. "I'm just too tired and exhausted". "I'm going to stay in, relax, and get to bed early."
I try to do this, and I see 11pm, 12pm, 1am, 1:30...finally, sleep comes. I wake up at 3:30 am and have to pee terribly. I notice he's not in bed and assume he's crashed out on the couch or at the neighbors, no big deal.
I go to pee, sit, and the next thing I know I'm waking up in the same spot. I think I've only been there a few minutes, until I realize my legs are completely numb. I'm not talking tingly, pins and needles going numb, I mean from mid-thigh down both legs are in a fucking coma. My half asleep brain's first thought? "On no, I've cut off circulation for too long, and they are going to have to amputate them!". Second thought..."GET UP STUPID!!". I manage to reach over to the tub and using that, pull myself up. Managing to get myself upright, and still with zero feeling from mid-thigh down, in my half awake state, I decide to walk. I let go of the shower try to take a step, and tumble backwards like a newborn giraffe. In my fall I grab at anything to save myself, including the shower curtain on my right and toilet on my left. I manage to rip down the curtain, rip both the lid and seat off the toilet, knock the ceramic tank lid off the back of the toilet, and crash land onto (and crush) the trash can. I lay there in a daze for a moment and realize that at least my legs are starting to tingle again. I pick myself up and see that I've also, when knocking down the ceramic tank lid, sent in crashing into the now-exposed toilet bowl breaking both in the process. "Fuck this" I decide. I'm going to go find where the boyfriend is, and get back to bed. I pass a clock, and I had been asleep on the can for over 45 minutes.
He's on the couch, I wake his extremely drunk ass up and I get him to bed.
I'm at work the next morning and I get a text from him: "Babe I am so sorry about the bathroom. I was pretty drunk and I just don't remember what happened! I'll get it all fixed today. "
Haaaaaa!!! If only I didn't love him so much, I could have saved my pride. Although, I would have has to come up with another explanation for the rather large bruises I'm now sporting. We had a good laugh over it, and I now have this story!
TL:DR - my leg coma caused my drunk boyfriend to take the blame.
Edit: words
OhWearrry: New appreciation for [this scene](http://application.denofgeek.com/pics/film/lw2/01.jpg)?
Loogin: On three
Shannon31083: Riggs I don't wanna die!
Loogin: Guys like you don't die on toilets
Shannon31083: 1....RIGGS!!!....2......RIIIIGGGGS!!!!.....3!!
Loogin: Get off me man! I don't want anybody to see us like this
Shannon31083: Now I need to few re-watch all 4 of these. Or was it 5?
Loogin: There's 4, and I'm gagging to watch them now too but i already know my wife won't go for it
Shannon31083: You sure? Sell her on a yummy young Mel Gibson!
Loogin: Apparently a crusty, bald Dr. Phil is more interesting
Shannon31083: I cannot stand Dr. Phil. :(
Loogin: Same. The only entertainment I get is talking shit about some of the fuckwits that are on it
Shannon31083: The sound of his voice just grates my nerves. Cocky sob he is!
| 14 | 26.571429 | |
1401725409 | 1401758623 | t3_274cqf | t5_2to41 | 164 | the_real_chucky: TIFU by carrying my knife
TIFU. Well not today, a couple of months ago. Sorry for long ass post
Okay so it was my SO's friends birthday. Also my friend who studies abroad was also down.
So some background about me. Im really chilled, never cause conflict and always try keep the peace. That being said, i always carry my knife with me, i live in africa, shit is real here.
So a mutual friend was having a flat party on the same night of my SO's friends birthday, so i figured kill two birds with one stone, pre drinks at friends flat, then party hard at the club.
At the flat, i drank HARD! Had roughly 8 shots in a space of less than 30min. During this time my SO's friends wernt happy at the flat, saying this guy was being weird, so i had a shot for the road and left.
We went to the club and partied like champs, at some point the electricity fucked out, it got really hot, so my SO, her friend(not bday girl), and i go to the only open window in the club. My SO's friend said her ex was approaching and wasnt happy(turns out hes the weird guy from the flat). He approaches us, and the girls tell him to "just leave" before i get a chance. He waddles like 5m away, turns around and asks me if my SO's friend is my gf. So i say no, but shes like my sister. At this point my SO see's conflict building, so she stands infront of me(i thought it was her friend) and asks him to leave. This fucker hits her square on the face, then hits me, i loose my cool, we brawl. Bouncers split us up, we dodge and carry on. I get taken to the back of the club, they kick him out. The bouncer that took me to the back told me "i know what he did is wrong but u cant fight in the club". All my friends are gathered at the entrance of the club at this point. As i approach them, i notice my SO crying saying "**** hit me".
This is where i lost it completely, ran out of the club, saw him outside, approached him, shouting "why did u hit her", he responds with a punch, next thing i know, i see my knife in his side, just above the hip. Cops were right there, im cuffed imediately, and realize i stabbed him infront of +- 200 people.
I was arrested, got bailed out. Went to court many times.
Thanks to good lawyers, and a broken justice system, i have no criminal record, no jail time, just a bit of debt. The guy i stabbed had to drop out of uni, have multiple surgeries, months of rehab.
Quite a fuckup of a night
BitchesQuoteMarilyn: Where I am from, you probably wouldn't have even been arrested for this. Just taken in for questioning/completing the police report. If someone approaches you to do you harm, and especially if they succeed in it, they have shit like this coming.
vertstang86: Yes, but he was intoxicated, and the guy ran off... OP made a mistake by finding him and then stabbing him...
BitchesQuoteMarilyn: He didn't find him and stab him. He found him and asked him why he punched his girlfriend. Then he got punched, then he stabbed him. Let's not omit the he got punched for asking a question bit.
SirChunky: He still chose to continue the conflict even though the guy had been removed.
BitchesQuoteMarilyn: Yes, I can see what you're saying. Perhaps he shouldn't have approached him. However, confronting someone with a question is not illegal, but punching them is.
calebcom84: I"m not a lawyer, but in my understanding under my state's laws, this guy would have been in the clear from the get go, I doubt he would have been arrested.
Clear cut case of escalation on behalf of the EX.
Question even if yelled < physical violence.
When someone punches you, it is deadly force. MANY people have died from a single strike to the head.
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/soccer/news/20130805/ref-killed-teen-soccer-utah-guilty.ap/
Anyone attacking someone in Utah can be met by the defender with deadly force. Easy to point out cases like the above for reference as to why you feared for your life.
Nolajedi: Punching someone is not in any way justification for them to use lethal force. In general, lethal force is authorized only under threat of death or great bodily harm or when someone else is in that same danger. Now the key is that there has to be "reasonable" suspicion that those would occur had you not used lethal force. No judge, jury or DA will believe that either of those things would result from a single punch. How many times have you been punched or seen someone punched? Have you ever seen anyone die from a single punch? The overwhelming majority of punches simply cause a bruise and maybe a sore jaw, not death or severe injury. Can it happen? Yes, but it isn't reasonable to assume it will happen in the vast majority of cases.
calebcom84: I am not psychic, I cannot know when an attacker will stop at a single punch, or continue on and beat me to death. ANY assault on my person is with lethal intent. just as anyone breaking into my house is considered to be there to rape and murder everyone in my residence. men and women are beaten to death more often than killed with rifles.
Nolajedi: That's fine but until he has SHOWN the intent, ability and opportunity to cause death or great bodily harm then you don't have justification for lethal force in the American justice system. Someone breaking into your home is completely different as he has demonstrated those three things by entering your home through use of force. Someone on the street punching you doesn't.
calebcom84: the amazing thing about the american justice system is its wide variety of laws. in my state the threat of lethal force is authorized to stop ANY assault on your person. The assaulter merely has to threaten me to allow me to threaten him back wIth my firearm. if he cpntinues his assault he is now jumped up to lethal intent, as he intends to overpower my threat of a lethal defense. so yes a sIngle punch can justify lethal force where I live.
Nolajedi: Can you cite the statute or case law that supports that?
calebcom84: sure. ill google "Utah self defense laws" for you and I found....
https://www.utah-firearm-info.com/site/mobile?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.utah-firearm-info.com%2FSelf_Defense_Laws.html#2918
calebcom84: sorry for the mobile site, you'll have to google for yourself for the full site.
:-)
Nolajedi: Your source supports everything I said. You only have justification for lethal force if there is reasonable cause to believe that the other party's actions will cause death or severe bodily injury. For that belief to hold up in court, they have to show intent, ability and opportunity to kill or severely injure you. Simply being punched isn't deadly or likely to case a severe injury. Can we find a few cases where it did? Sure, however, it isn't the likely outcome and doesn't justify lethal force. Now if they punch you, knock you down and proceed to smash your head against the concrete, they have demonstrated the three things necessary to use lethal force. A punch by itself isn't enough.
calebcom84:
[ Threatening Deadly Force ]
U.C.A. § 76-10-506
Threatening with or using dangerous weapon in fight or quarrel
(1) As used in this section, "threatening manner" does not include:
(a) the possession of a dangerous weapon, whether visible or concealed, without additional behavior which is
threatening; or
(b) informing another of the actor's possession of a deadly weapon in order to prevent what the actor reasonably
perceives as a possible use of unlawful force by the other and the actor is not engaged in any activity described
in Subsection 76-2-402 (2)(a).
(2) Except as otherwise provided in Section 76-2-402 and for those persons described in Section 76-10-503, a person
who, in the presence of two or more persons, draws or exhibits a dangerous weapon in an angry and threatening
manner or unlawfully uses a dangerous weapon in a fight or quarrel is guilty of a class A misdemeanor.
(3) This section does not apply to a person who, reasonably believing the action to be necessary in compliance with
Section 76-2-402, with purpose to prevent another's use of unlawful force:
(a) threatens the use of a dangerous weapon; or
(b) draws or exhibits a dangerous weapon.
This last part is the key part, their opinions on the site are irrelevant. The text of the law is.
Nolajedi: Please refer to section b.
76-2-402. Force in defense of person -- Forcible felony defined.
(1) (a) A person is justified in threatening or using force against another when and to the extent that the person reasonably believes that force or a threat of force is necessary to defend the person or a third person against another person's imminent use of unlawful force.
(b) A person is justified in using force intended or likely to cause death or serious bodily injury only if the person reasonably believes that force is necessary to prevent death or serious bodily injury to the person or a third person as a result of another person's imminent use of unlawful force, or to prevent the commission of a forcible felony.
As I said, a punch doesn't fall under section b.
calebcom84: It does fall under the last section. And again, everyone I know believes someone coming after you after you've displayed lethal defense capability is planning to meet that lethal threat. Justifying section b.
If I display lethal defense capability and the attacker punches me, I must believe he is ready tower my lethal force with lethal force.
Nolajedi: However, you can't show or use lethal force if it isn't reasonable to assume their actions will cause death or great bodily injury. Someone punching you doesn't mean you draw your gun.
calebcom84: That is exactly what the section I referenced says I can do. If they threaten me I legally can display my firearm as a counter threat. Of they assault through this I can fire, as Must assume they Will meet my legal lethal threat with unlawful force in equal to my lethal defense
calebcom84: This section does not apply to a person who, reasonably believing the action to be necessary in compliance with Section 76-2-402, with purpose to prevent another's use of unlawful force:
(a) threatens the use of a dangerous weapon; or
(b) draws or exhibits a dangerous weapon.
The "Unlawful force" specified in this text is NOT specified as felony level or lethal. Only Unlawful.
| 21 | 7.809524 | |
1401725701 | 1401751965 | t3_274d9e | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by writing an inebriated account of an actual event that ended up disgusting all the Mods [META]
I wrote it under the influence, I submitted it sober without re-reading it, then I got the mod mail stating it was fucked up in a bad way, racist, ableist, all-in-all disgusting.
After re-reading it sober, I realized they were right and I foolishly tried to make something funny out of someone else's pain. I'm keeping this vague because no one will ever see the original post, and depending on the mods decision, you may see my sober, clear-headed post.
They're good people, and hopefully they know I'm a good person who made an inebriated mistake.
Sorry guys and gals again. TIFU with you all, and I apologize to you, and to others who deserve one.
Moral: if you write something drunk, re-read it in the morning and you won't ruin a bunch of people's mornings.
(I imagine this is shadowbanned or banned completely, which I understand.)
hippotronlady: Good on you for realizing your mistake. :)
FragrantBleach: I argued with them before I re-read it and realized they were totally right.
Thanks for acknowledging as well. :)
Wiiplay123: What was the TIFU?
| 4 | 2 | |
1401725175 | 1401741898 | t3_274cbk | t5_2to41 | 51 | LotsOspots: TIFU by chastising my business partner / former friend over mentally abusing his GF, and destroyed our partnership and lost my dream profession.
Washington state resident here. For a year now ive been under the tutelage of a master medical marijuana grower. Growing the best buds around. we've expanded twice, he dropped 10 k in my garage for a new flower room. and its our first harvest. this happened on day 1 of trimming, and once its over the beautiful flower room we built 4 months ago is being ripped out .
I made the mistake of calling him out over being completely vile to his girlfriend, He freaked, said enough vile hateful shit I told em our partnership is done. I cant stand to see women mentally beaten into nothing. And my stand cost me everything I love.
I have to post this to rant, as now im fucked for upholding the principles I was raised on.
Heres a breakdown for ya. with the room running properly, 10 pounds every 2 months. even at a 30 % share for the first harvest and 50 % for all subsequent, I would have made a bare minimum of 50-60 k in the first year alone.
Considering how broke I truly am, doing this isnt a humble brag, its simply me horrendously depressed I fucked myself over again due to my principles.
[deleted]: Marijuana use over a prolonged period frequently leads to mood swings, anxiety, paranoia, and depression that can result in exactly the behaviour you witnessed.
airborne_dildo: don't blame some douchebag's actions on weed, it was clearly his own fault.
[deleted]: It is worth understanding that marijuana use can lead to violent mood swings and irritability.
ihatetwizzlers: based on what? your own experience? I'm a daily smoker for over 20 years and have NONE of those symptoms. Do you work for the oil companies? At this point they are the only ones still trying to spread propoganda like this
[deleted]: It has been repeatedly proven by numerous studies. And wtf do oil companies care about whether people smoke marijuana or not? Absolutely hilarious.
ihatetwizzlers: cite your nonsense studies please
[deleted]: Tell me why you think oil companies are against marijuana.
ihatetwizzlers: show me one current study by a credible source that corroborates your statement and I will. Must be in the last 5 years and published for peer review.
[deleted]: I asked you first.
el_oh_el_at_you: How about you both post on the count of 3.
| 11 | 4.636364 | |
1401728677 | 1401748502 | t3_274i7x | t5_2to41 | 44 | Airalll: TIFU by formatting an old laptop
It started like this.
My dad asked me to format one of our very old laptop from approx 2007-2008 as he want to give it away to his relatives back in Indonesia. Since that laptop does has some good memories linked to it, I had a lot of old (but fun) games like Age Of Empire II, Red Aler 2 and so on, I decided to backup the whopping 160 GB Hard Drive in to a 1.5 TB Hard Drive.
The backup went completely planned, and then I faced some issue when I tried to restore the laptop to Acer default factory setting. Since I heavily modded the laptop when it was mine, Acer could not factory reset it, so the only way would be to completely erase the hard drive and then install the recovery disc that came with the laptop. I decided to use KillDisk for that matter, so I downloaded the program, make my USB thumb drive bootable and I decided to nuke the entire hard drive. What I did not know was that all along, the 1.5 TB hard drive is connected to the laptop and when I realised it, it was too late.
I am screwed because hard drive recovery here in Norway cost atleast $500, and I am desperate for a datarecovery solution.
TL;DR Decided to nuke an old laptop hard drive, only to realise that my USB 1.5 TB disk was connected to the laptop and got wiped too.
mythrowawayresponse: Move on and chalk it up to a lesson learned - in the end you are going to realize that it wasn't worth the time and effort to restore such an antiquated system.
Additionally if you can't or don't want to get another copy of whatever was on it just install a linux distro before sending it back to Indonesia.
Airalll: I did manage to reinstall the laptop to factory setting after the nuke, but I am now depressed that 3 years worth of data is the cost of it.
mythrowawayresponse: Sorry to hear that friend. I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt and the photograph on the collectible plate (autographed).
It all comes down to this now: Measure twice, cut once.
Nobodysbass: Been there also. Actually, a friend(who had IT certs) borrowed my external hd and left it plugged in during the restore. Lots of my art was lost :(
furutsu: It's brutal when you loose stuff like art, it's more valuable than near anything. Just curious why your art wasn't in a physical for though? And how did it go with you and your computer genius friend?
Nobodysbass: I had produced and recorded music and had stuff saved on there from when I was very young. I also had a lot of short stories and scripts that I had written. It wasn't exactly priceless stuff, more sentimental value, but it hurt knowing that I lost it. I have learned to back shit up now for sure.
As far as how I handled my friend... I let it go and we smoked some herb and had some beers together. Honest mistake. I don't think I would be so nice these days, but I was more passive at the time. I don't loan out HDs anymore. They are so cheap these days I don't need to.
| 7 | 6.285714 | |
1401729632 | 1401751241 | t3_274juf | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by threatening a police officer..
I was driving with a friend, and we were basically doing the dumbest thing you could ever do. We were making guns with our hands like [this](http://m.imgur.com/kT9hKra), and getting in gunfights with people at street lights.
It was usually pretty funny, people would shoot back and stuff. (Keep in mind I live in suburbia with virtually no gangs or any violent crime). So I'm dropping her off, and we decide to get in one last shootout with a dude driving in a big truck next to us. We pull out our guns and begin to fire at him and instead of smiling or shooting back like everyone else, he looks confused and angry for a second, takes off his glasses and rolls down his window. That kind of threw me off and when the light turned green, I started to drive away. He followed us and had his phone out and was taking pictures of my license plate. So we park, he pulls up next to us and tells me he's a sheriff and begins to ask me if I was threatening him... After an awkward conversation about me being an immature teen, he drove away. Feel free to comment on how I'm a huge idiot for even doing that to anyone.
sowinsmi: The sheriff can't take a joke. Clearly you were joking around by using your hand, if you were using a bb gun or something, that's another story
Dogion: Cops like to do that, makes them feel powerful.
sowinsmi: I understand that cops sometimes have to deal with real shit, but that doesn't mean they have to be complete assholes to the rest of society. Joke around and enjoy life
Dogion: They can't, it's in their nature to want to be better than others, and abuse of power is the easiest way to go. After all, what is power if you can't abuse it?
lauvernica: Cops are just people. Some of them are nice, some are not. Yes, some cops are just assholes, but for the most part they have a tough job and they're only human.
Dogion: It's not the people that's the problem, it's the job that's the problem. Power corrupt, even decent ppl might succumb to its allure once in a while. You get sucked into the ultra macho culture and get acculturated.
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1401731642 | 1401757986 | t3_274n87 | t5_2to41 | 181 | Arpikarhu: TIFU by waggling my member at the UPS guy
This happened a while ago but figure it belongs here. I was in my apartment waiting for my girlfriend to come over for a movie night and then some under the sheets action. I am cleaning up the place and the downstairs buzzer goes off. I dont even bother with the intercom cause i know its her and just buzz her in. Brilliant me decides that it would be funny to crack the front door open, pull out my dick, and shake at her as she came to the door. I have no idea why i thought this would be funny but at the time i considered it the single most brilliant thing I have ever come up with. So i am standing by the door, pants around my ankles, and i hear the elevator door open. I start shaking my dick. Now since the door is only slightly open i cant see her. I am shaking it and shaking it, muffling my laughter. after a few seconds i hear a decidedly ungirlfriend like cough. i peer around the door and its the UPS guy with a delivery. I immediately slam the door. I tell the UPS guy just to leave the package by the door. He tells me I have to sign for it. I open the door and mutter, "sorry , thought you were my girlfriend". he says nothing, i sign, he turns and leaves. I never had another package delivered to my apt after that. everything went to work.
**TIFU waggled my member at the UPS guy cause I thought he was my girlfriend**
InternetTraveller: "Sorry sir, I'm actually the one delivering the package today."
RidlanX: Well do you have to be a member of UPS to deliver?
Bagnag: OP is never a member of the UPS.
| 4 | 45.25 | |
1401734447 | 1401807274 | t3_274s2k | t5_2to41 | 92 | ohsowonderful: TIFU by accidentally showing a naked photo of myself on a work presentation in front of a crowded room.
Not my FU, but my best friend doesn't have reddit but wanted to share her story so here she is:
I've been on a diet for a few months, and every Sunday evening I take a photo of myself in the mirror naked to show my own progress - this photo doesn't ever go anywhere and I literally just use it for personal use..
Every week at work we have our morning brief, where we go through everything for the last week sales figures etc, so I get the figures organised on friday and then send the data data forward to my boss that he can show everyone on the monday and I go up and talk about them etc.
Now this is where I fuck up.. for the first time in a long time I thought I'd actually save the slightly sexy photo to my computer so I could send it to someone I'm dating which I completely forget about after I sent it to the intended recipient.. Then monday morning at work just being habit the figures are always the last downloaded item, so thinking nothing of it I compose the email to my boss, go ahead and send.
Monday comes along, he does his talking and then introduces me up to talk about the figures etc, he searches for the email and opens the attachment just like he always does, apart from this time it isn't a pie chart or graph, it's a picture of me completely stark naked in my mirror. After a few seconds of complete shock and silence I just go completely red and run towards the computer, in my utter desperation I also fail to notice the power cable running across the floor - tripping up on it and pulling the laptop onto the floor smashing the screen - by this point everybody is hilariously laughing as I cant even see where the cursor is to try and shut down the image which also causes further embarrassment - In the end someone literally just pushed the power button on the projector to turn it off.
So both of my bosses, 4 potential clients and around 8 or 9 other colleagues saw everything, and everyone was laughing uncontrollably, after about 5 minutes of non-stop laughing I kind of got over it - after all it's just a human body.. In the end the clients said they hadn't had this much fun at a meeting in years and they ended up going through with a deal with us.. Success!
TLDR: Accidently uploaded a photo of my half-way-diet naked body to a work presentation, a bunch of 15 colleagues including boss and clients saw it - proceeded to smash laptop in the sheer urgency of getting to it and couldn't see the screen to shut down the image.. but the clients went through with the deal :-)
octavesemitone: wait, so just you like in a bra and underwear?
ohsowonderful: Literally nothing on - side profile..
octavesemitone: nice
xluminosityx: [Nice](http://i.imgur.com/0016Rds.jpg)
| 5 | 18.4 | |
1401734240 | 1401823504 | t3_274rpb | t5_2to41 | 192 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex...
A couple months ago, actually. I met this girl through online dating site. Very beautiful and cute, but kind of shy. Well, we go to a bar, have a couple drinks. Then another couple drinks. Before you know it we are wasted. She suddenly mentions she is very good at billiard and she can kick my flat ass even if I was sober and she downed a bottle of Jack Daniels. It is 2am, but my wounded pride doesn't let it go, so we head to a billiard club. In there we get to one of the private rooms, order more drinks, and start playing the match that would determine whether I am going to wear the pants in that relationship. Balls flying everywhere, not one legitimate shot is made. I literally couldn't stand straight. One thing leads to another and I am naturally eating her pussy like it's my last meal. Suddenly the waiter slams the door open, bringing us the drinks we ordered. The girl screams and jumps off the table in a maneuver that causes my teeth to end up on one of the balls. I then proceed to try to get up, fall, and break my pinky. I suddenly realize that I can still play it off cool, get up, and ask the waiter if he could please bring the check (I think I said it in some real royal British accent). As we leave the establishment we walk past the security boot. Apparently they had cameras in every room. The grin on the security guys was something the Cheshire Cat would be jealous of.
mythrowawayresponse: > I am naturally eating her pussy like it's my last meal.
There aren't enough of us....
AvengerGeni: Thank god I finally found one. It had been probably 6-7 years since I had a guy go down on me until I met my bf. Now I get taken care of on the regular and I love it.
mythrowawayresponse: to me that sounds so strange - it's my favorite thing to do... I dream of it all the time. I can't imagine someone not wanting to go down on the their lover.
AvengerGeni: Well part of the problem is that my last couple of relationships before this one were pretty much sexless and on the VERY rare occassion sex did happen, it was more of a quickie. I didn't like it but I got used to it. I much prefer this relationship that's full of not just sex, but affection too.
mythrowawayresponse: ah yes - affection is a big thing in my relationships... otherwise what's the point. My average relationships lasted 3 years... once my partners started to get out of touch and the affection waned then it was time to move on. Things filled in the cracks between long relationships. No regrets!
Tomaskas: What is this "affection" you speak of?
stekerry: HAPPY FUCKING CAKE DAY YOU CUNT
| 8 | 24 | |
1401735678 | 1401795179 | t3_274u2v | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by breaking the beaver dam
So my friend dared me to drive a speedboat that he said was his uncles and I crashed it into a dam nearby and now I think the beavers that made it might be in danger because I made a hole in the side and there's water leaking out towards Beaverton. But then he told me it wasn't actually his uncles boat and made me not tell anyone about it. I feel really guilty and I'm just worried what my sister Shelly's gonna do if she finds out. Hopefully this wont escalate too far.
theENTofDAZE: I broke the dam.
Norm984: I broke the dam.
rodrikes: No, no, I really broke the dam. I crashed a boat into it *facepalm*
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1401737597 | 1401834801 | t3_274xmk | t5_2to41 | 3,352 | CynepMeH: TIFU by quoting Spaceballs...
I work in IT. My co-worker had to create some accounts. He provides me accounts with a temp password 12345. So, I crack a joke "What kind of idiot makes his password 12345? Oh, btw, remind me to change the combination on my luggage"...
Awkward silence, then he remarks (clearly offended): "Ok.... Well, it's only a temporary password, you can change it if you don't like it....".
I then have to explain that I didn't just call him an idiot. Apparently there are still some people who didn't see the Spaceballs...
andersjedheim: I'm surrounded by assholes!
[deleted]: Reporting for duty.
smoike: What's your name ?
Asshole sir, major asshole!
reignofcrimson: Who made that man a gunner!?!
KnibbHighFB: I did sir. He's my cousin.
reignofcrimson: Whats that man's name?
Khiraji: He's an asshole, sir.
Rugged_Turtle: I know that, what's his name!?
Philbophaggins: we ain't found shit!
JaedenStormes: Dave Chappelle's first role.
| 11 | 304.727273 | |
1401734230 | 1401765221 | t3_274roo | t5_2to41 | 9 | drbobsled: TIFU by accidentally smuggling 2 knives from one Middle Eastern country into another, in my carry on luggage.
TIFU when I put my back pack through an airport scanner in Iraq, had to give up my sunscreen and was cleared.
Arrived in Qatar and was asked to explain metal in bag, during flight transfer. "It's my house key and a bottle opener key chain." "No, the 2 items at the bottom."
Cue stomach dropping to floor.
Find Eddie Bauer Multi Tool and large Swiss Army knife in pack.
My passport was taken and I was told to sit in the waiting area.
After waiting a few minutes and having a spirited debate with security, customs and airline staff, was allowed to board flight out of Qatar.
Have not received knives, yet, but was given claim check for them to be shipped to me as luggage.
Get home to UAE and find third knife still at bottom of bag.
Have endured much ridicule and teasing (plus a stern talking to by boss) at work.
Final kicker, was first day in new team at work, after being specifically chosen to join team by department president.
Thedopestdinosaur: Lel. The amnesty box they had in Qatar for the military base was packed with much worse items... Like a two foot black dildo.
dildo_bot: http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lw13l5QLKs1qdlh1io1_400.gif
| 3 | 3 | |
1401740390 | 1401759598 | t3_2752n5 | t5_2to41 | 33 | Resident_Homo: TIFU By being a horny ass teen.
So this was about a year ago but I guess y'all don't mind if it was today or 4 years ago.
Anywho, my now ex-girlfriend and I had been dating for about a year and a half (15-16yo) and wanted to start getting more into it. She lives about 35 minutes away and I didn't have a car yet so Skype is the natural way to go. Right?...
So we are chatting it up and I use Skype on our computer when I game with friends and must have left it open. So the whole time me and her are sexy talking, my dad is reading the messages, mortified.
I was just about to send a pic and my dad bursted in my room, and started yelling at me about this. Mind you I'm 100% naked with my hand on my flagpole.
My phone was then confiscated and I couldn't talk to her for a few weeks. Next time we hung out we banged and it was freaking awesome.
TL;DR: Remember to close Skype when sexy talking.
drinkdrinkshoesgone: Your dad man.... Mine would have picked her up and brought her over then hi-fived me after.
durmacncheese: My dad would have left when I was a baby, drive drunk and die before I ever got a chance to meet him. :)
[deleted]: Nice
| 4 | 8.25 | |
1401739764 | 1401745621 | t3_2751ho | t5_2to41 | 7 | misanthropicmori: TIFU by locking myself out of my car without my phone/ID/money/etc.
So, this didn't happen "today." It happened back in May of 2012, when I was moving out of my college dorm room for the last time...
A friend I'd made freshman year/fellow redditor and I decided to rent an apartment off campus for the next year or two. (We're in the process of moving out, which is probably why this came to mind now that I think about it...) Our lease started in July, so that left me with June and most of May to find a place to crash. Another couple of friends were kind enough to let me stay at their place for pennies on the dollar, so I decided to live out of a suitcase for a couple months and moved the vast majority of my shit into a little storage unit.
I have a little Chevrolet Cobalt, so I was having to make multiple trips down to the storage facility. Being the occasional dumbass that I am, I decided I had to move out all at once and made about four trips late one night after my last final. (My room wasn't air conditioned, but my friends' apartment was...that may have influenced my desire to GTFO as quickly as possible.) My penultimate trip was made around 4am, and I was fucking **psyched** to be getting out of the dorms once and for all. I threw my shit into the car, made the ~10 mile drive to the storage facility, and started loading it into the unit.
It wasn't until I'd finished up and tried to get back in my car that I realized what I'd done. The car was locked. My keys were in the driver's seat. To make matters worse, my wallet and phone were in there, too. So I had no ID, no way to call a cab, and no money to do...well, anything. It was four in the goddamned morning, and I was stranded in pretty much the middle of nowhere on the outskirts of the city.
I started walking. I found my way out of the storage facility (after trying unsuccessfully to trigger the electronic gate, I realized there was a human-sized gate right next to it. D'oh.) and decided I'd try heading to my friends' place since it was just a few miles away. I marched off in the direction I suspected was East, and learned a few things while on my journey. Namely, these things: fences are the bane of all who don't know parkour, dogs generally mean bad things for you, flip-flops are not walking shoes, summer doesn't always mean hot, and I should really learn parkour.
I passed loads of places I desperately wished were open, cursing with every step the powers that be for not keeping service stations open 24/7. I vowed to memorize the phone numbers of all my friends, because dependency on digital contact lists became the bane of my existence in the span of about two minutes.
Finally, I made it to my friends' place and started knocking. I knocked quietly at first, but eventually I was knocking as hard as was reasonable for an apartment that size. Nothing. I slid down to sit against the door, and realized at that moment that both my friends were out of town and wouldn't be back until tomorrow (today? I wasn't paying attention at that point). I must've fallen asleep, because I woke up on the floor of the hallway a little while later. It was still dark, so it couldn't have been that long. I set out for what I thought was a police station that I'd seen nearby, some kind of weird satellite office for the police (it was a "high crime" area). I learned they were only open 8-5, and thought to myself that they must be the white collar police to have such short hours.
I sat on the sidewalk for a little while, watched some early-rising ants, and around 6 am I saw my beacon of hope light up: it was a gas station, I guess, but to me it was an oasis of light and warmth. I shuffled the mile to said oasis like some light-starved zombie, opening the door and stepping into the greatest, warmest, most well-lit place I'd been in hours. There was a dude working, and after watching me creepily browsing the shelves for a while he finally asked what was up. I gave a pretty brief summary of my situation, which he agreed really sucked, and then he said to go get some coffee or whatever from the dispenser. No further questions were asked: I drank some gas station cocoa and continued to creepily browse the shelves. He told me he got off at 7 and offered me a ride. Luckily, I had a spare car key in my dorm room, and knew I could get a spare room key if I asked the desk worker using my nicest "I haven't been stranded outdoors for three hours" tone. So I accepted the ride, he took me to get my dorm key, I got my car key, he took me to get my car, and that was that. I think his name was Leland, but I never did find him on Facebook to thank him.
All told, my dumbassery only got me some very mild suffering and a healthy fear of locking my keys in my car. Could've been worse.
**TL;DR I locked myself out of my car, walked about 4 miles, met a gas station worker, got free hot chocolate, and got back into my car. Could've been worse.**
*TL;DR was TL;DR - Car. Keys. Locked out. Bitch bitch bitch. Ants. Cocoa. Leland. Car. Meh.*
mythrowawayresponse: Frankly the worse part was going through all that to see it wasn't that bad. TYFU by writing this more than the primary TL;DR... and I'm not being mean.
misanthropicmori: To each their own I guess. I think it's funny as hell now that I'm past it.
mythrowawayresponse: > I'm past it.
You are passed it, as it is in your past.
PM_me_yourkittens: Are you trying to correct him? Cuz thats not right...
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1401741328 | 1401775512 | t3_2754co | t5_2to41 | 15 | league_of_bellends: TIFU by getting a credit card
So I got accepted for a credit card and I'm not sure how because Iv had terrible credit before. They have given me a £2000 credit limit and i keep telling myself it's only for an emergency but I know I'll be stupid with it.
mythrowawayresponse: **GOTO** /r/personalfinance
league_of_bellends: I'm not looking for advice I'm looking for derogatory comments about how stupid i am
mythrowawayresponse: you haven't done anything stupid yet... if you have you probably should state it to release the derogatory commentary.
Examples:
* TIFU by getting a credit card with £2000 credit limit and spent it all in one night playing WoW.
* TIFU by getting a credit card with £2000 credit limit and spent it all in one night on buttplugs.
* TIFU by getting a credit card with £2000 credit limit and spent it all in one night on pizza pranks.
* TIFU by getting a credit card with £2000 credit limit and spent it all in one night hiring craigslist prostitutes to show me their buttholes.
* TIFU by getting a credit card with £2000 credit limit and spent it all in one night buying bitcoins.
... you want derogatory comments? That's how you get derogatory comments.
league_of_bellends: Thanks I'll try one of these
joe-ducreux: Looks like you can get buttplugs for about $8 wholesale...
league_of_bellends: I expected better of Joseph ducreux
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1401742519 | 1401742898 | t3_2756ik | t5_2to41 | 6 | the_dinks: TIFU by test post, please ignore
i-am-you: /u/the_dinks
the_dinks: :(
| 3 | 2 | |
1401742875 | 1401744901 | t3_27575d | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by being naked as a window-fitter looked in
So this happened about a month ago, but as I've recently binged on this subreddit I felt I should share a story that to this day I've not told anybody about.
So there were workers measuring the windows and doing tests to see if they needed replacing - I didn't know that when one of them knocked on the door, the others were already beginning work - so as I'd just got out of the shower I'd let somebody else open the door, so I'm there - naked, leaning over the stair railing (stops you falling onto the stairs - common in English houses, not sure of the proper name) - out of nowhere I notice this guy cleaning the windows, pretty sure he'd clocked me in the 10 seconds it took for me to notice him - so I duck down behind some (thankfully) strategically placed towels and act like I'm looking for something on the floor and pretending to talk to somebody (hoping if I'm silent he'll assume he can't hear the conversation) - anyway, as soon as he moves down the ladder I'm off straight to my room, door shut and running over to close my blinds as I hear more ladders landing right outside.
I wouldn't mind but I have quite a curvy figure - and by 'curvy figure' I mean I'm too coy to say I'm tubby.
So yeah, feel free to laugh - life's no fun if you don't experience these frightening "rather shit myself loudly in public than be right here right now" moments.
Feel free to relate, abuse, mock, tease or make really bad puns about this :)
mythrowawayresponse: > common in English houses, not sure of the proper name
Banister or Baluster
> I have quite a curvy figure - and by 'curvy figure' I mean I'm too coy to say I'm tubby.
Not sure if you are a innie or outie but this made me laugh... chances are they couldn't tell the difference either and you are OK. Contractors see this all the time and use it as fodder to shoot the shit at the bar...
Enjoy the fame - if you are lucky he got off on it.
[deleted]: > if you are lucky he got off on it.
I should probably mention I'm male, I feel that may have been overlooked lol
mythrowawayresponse: haha you'd be surprised what 'normal looking people' get off on...
I'm not one to judge but **I've seen some shit.**
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1401743501 | 1401745340 | t3_27589c | t5_2to41 | 24 | copafeelaway82: TIFU by trying to cop a feel with my female best friend.
I've had a female best friend for about 4 years. Our friendship has been on and off, but its always been strictly friends. She's very attractive, and i'm not a bad looking guy. We both recently got out of our relationship, and usually fall back on each other during those times. But I never really had any sort of sexual attraction to her, not until recently.
Anyway, lately we've been hanging and I guess i've started to have some feelings for her. The physical attraction is there, but I've started to realize that her and I have a good friendship and we get along great. The only thing missing is the physical aspect, we hold hands sometimes and get pretty close, but never have kissed on the lips.
A few friends have told me that she wants it, just because of the way we dance and act when we are out, but that barrier has never been crossed.
This weekend, I asked her to come out with me to see a pretty big DJ, she as always accepted and came out with me. As always, she looked fuckin hott!! The minute we got on the dance floor she was grinding up on me and dancing. We held hands, had our arms around eachother and stuff like that. I was getting all of the signals one would think they would be getting from someone interested in them sexually.
So we leave the club, we get home, me and my friends keep partying until 6 AM. At one point during the night, she says to me "if it were just you and me tonight, I think we would have gotten into a little more mischief". At that point, I knew I was in. Right? Wrong.
I get to bed and she's already in my bed. I kinda slowly started to subtly start rubbing her back, then eased my hands to her breasts. Had my hand on her bra and was rubbing it. But everytime I would try and touch skin, she would move my hand away. When I tried to kiss her, she smiled and said "good night".
Well I knew that was that, and 30 minutes later her alarm went off to go home and I called her a cab.
I woke up and immediately sent her a text and told her how embarassed I was, and sorry. She said its not a big deal and not to worry about it. But I feel like our friendship will never be the same. I asked her to meet me today, but I doubt it'll happen.
tldr: Yesterday I fucked up by trying to hook up with my best friend only to have it blow up in my face.
UPDATE: I haven't spoken to her since the day. I haven't even bothered reaching out. I figured we'd talk when shes ready.
I_am_amazingly_great: You're fucking up again by getting all needy and worried. A non-chalant apology text is the best you can do. She accepted your apology. Don't worry about it.
copafeelaway82: Not really needy.. I asked her if she wanted to get together, she said yeah. I'm not going to pester her about it.
I'm a little worried, yes. At the end of the day she is one of my best friends and i'd hate to have that sour our relationship.
BitchesQuoteMarilyn: This basically happened to me too in almost the exact same way. That cringe feeling passes and you two will be fine again. Just give it a few days, nothing to worry about really, girls know what us guys do after a few drinks.
ChicBrit: 'Girls know what us guys do after a few drinks'
Seriously?!?
BitchesQuoteMarilyn: Well you know...sometimes when you get a bit swig faced, the brain is impaired and the penis sees an opportunity and makes a move. In my own case, I didn't cop a feel, I tried to steal a kiss.
| 6 | 4 | |
1401744144 | 1401755241 | t3_2759f3 | t5_2to41 | 36 | lyndsey_nichole: TIFU by farting during foreplay (nsfw)
So, my boyfriend and I have been going through a bit of a dry spell when it comes to sex lately. So I was pleasantly surprised when he was "in the mood" this morning. So I'm giving him a good blowjob and really getting into it, right? I guess I was a bit too into it, cuz I suddenly started to tell I was going to gag from deepthroating it. He was smacking my ass and went to go rub my asshole when I couldn't hold it back anymore. I went to go gag. But instead of gagging.. I let out THE biggest fart I've ever heard come from a human being, right on his hand. And there was so much pressure to it. It surprised us both, cuz I didn't even have to fart lol. We just kinda sat there awkwardly for a few seconds in dead silence before we bust up laughing for a good 10 mins. We eventually continued on, so it didn't completely kill it, but still extremely awkward nonetheless.
sw1ff: nasty ass bitch lol
lyndsey_nichole: You sir, are an asshole. :)
sw1ff: i aint the one fartin on my SO lol...
lyndsey_nichole: Doesn't make me a bitch for doing something on accident.
CuntyMcshitballs: Can I ask where you're from? You don't have to be specific at all, I want to know who keeps using the term"on accident" USA?
lyndsey_nichole: ...yes. from united states. And i used the term "on accident" once, so I'm not understanding your asking.
CuntyMcshitballs: No that's the third time today I've read it on this site. You can check my comments earlier if you don't believe me haha. Its always been "on purpose" and "by accident" but it seems the American youth are set on changing it, this happens with language so just interested to see it becoming more popular, and make me feel older. Thanks
I_am_a_Pixel: Damn it this bothers me too now, I hadn't thought about it too much but now I realize I say by accident, not on accident
| 9 | 4 | |
1401741735 | 1401751011 | t3_27553e | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by locking myself out of my house with the stove on.
I've been wanting to tell this story for a while, but wasn't sure where would be appropriate. I think it might work here. This happened 11 years ago. I was 12 years old, just a wee lad. My parents had built a house on this land that they owned out in a rural area. After a year and a half of being built, we finally moved in in mid-December. It was my parents' dream, finally out of the city in their beautiful new home.
A week after we moved in I was on Christmas break from school. I woke up in the morning and my mom was already at work and my dad was about to leave. After he left to go do some things before work, I was just watching some TV and then decided to make some breakfast. I put the kettle on the stove and turned it on to boil some water. While waiting for that, I decided to go out in the garage to see my dog (which is where he stayed when he wasn't outside). I went out into the garage and closed the door behind. I played with my dog for a minute, then decided to go back in.
Oh shit. The door wouldn't open. I was completely unaware that the lock that was used on this door allowed the door to still be opened from the inside when locked. I started to panic. I had no idea what to do. I didn't have a cell phone at the time and there wasn't a phone in the garage. It seemed that I had two options, break in through the door or a window, or try to go get help. The door was a big solid wood door, so I didn't think little 12 year old me had much of a chance against it, and I was too scared to break a window, so I decided to try to get help and find a phone to call my dad.
Luckily my dad's ATV was in the garage. I could just take to go get help, easy. Except I couldn't get it to start... I later learned that there is a switch on it somewhere that cuts the fuel line, and that was switched off. So my only option was to walk. I was only wearing a t-shirt and pajama bottoms, so I grabbed my dad's heavy coat, and also put on a pair of his boots which were too big. I went outside and let my dog out too because I didn't want him to burn with the house.
The two closest places were a house about 400 yards away, and a campground 2 miles away. The house was owned by the owners of the campground, but they barely stayed in it. I tried it first just in case. Oh yeah, remember how I said it was December? Well it was below freezing out and there was also at least a foot of snow on the ground. So I tried the first house, and no one was there, of course. That only left the campground.
I walked down the road, trudging through the snow, so scared that I wanted to cry. At some points I tried running. My dad's boots that I wore were starting to scrape at my heels. I eventually walked the 2 miles and made it to the campground. I tried the office, but the door was locked. I pounded on it and looked inside, but no one came (because it's winter, why would anyone be at a campground?). At this point I lost all hope. I decided to just walk back to the house, if it was still there, and try to break in through the door.
I'm walking out of the campground with my dog when I pass an RV and I notice a curtain in the window move. I stop and look to see a woman looking out at me. She motions for me to come around to the door and I do. I explain my situation and ask if they have a phone I could use. They did and let me use their cell phone. I noticed the time was only 9:45, and the shop my dad owned opened at 10, so I was praying he got there early. He answered and I told him what happened, so he left work and rushed home.
While waiting for him to get there I talked to the woman and her husband that let me in. They were nice and the guy talked to me about video games. I took off my boots to find my socks soaked in blood. My heels were cut up pretty bad. Then I decided to go out and check on my dog, but he wasn't there, even when I called for him. The woman said to me, "Maybe he's dead." That kind of creeped me out and seemed like a horrible thing to say to a kid who is already going through a traumatizing situation.
15 minutes later my dad picked me up and we sped back to the house. Luckily it was still there, and my dog was there too. The only damage was to the kettle, which had actually almost melted completely and the water all evaporated. My mom showed up not long after. I was so relieved that everything turned out fine, except I couldn't wear shoes for a week.
TL;DR: Locked myself out of my newly built home with the stove on. Walked miles in the snow to find a phone to call for help. Didn't burn my house down.
PM_me_yourkittens: What happened to your dog???
BlueBlaze25: Propably went back home on his own if he wasn't on a leash, I'm creeped out by the old lady though!
guzzball: She was actually pretty young. Probably late 20's.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1401747478 | 1403046965 | t3_275ewh | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting books aren't waterproof
I bought some books to read over the summer. Real books. Made of paper. None of that touchscreen/ipad/kindle stuff. Well, I had been reading and playing games on my phone in a [lifeproof case](http://www.lifeproof.com/en/?mkwid=s4IgkhFvX_dc|pcrid|47440855744|pkw|lifeproof|pmt|e&gclid=CjkKEQjwwbCcBRCxvJn9-N6dorwBEiQAVriOiut316RoWNUXrRTM7bY7Z7Qy5V5637xOLWnTgXZvPhfw_wcB) and was used to just taking it in the shower with me. Brand new book that I was really looking forward to, soaked.
I can't believe they gave me a Masters of Science degree just a few weeks ago.
bluebrandy: I laughed, I am sat here laughing at your misfortune I hope you feel ashamed.
throwme1974: In her defense, she's had a really stressful couple of months.
| 3 | 2 | |
1401745163 | 1401775838 | t3_275b67 | t5_2to41 | 40 | Thethumbsupguy: TIFU by ripping my girlfriends toilet out of the floor
This actually happened about a year ago but I only recently found out about this sub. So I'm over at my (ex) girlfriends house and we were having a little party and she tells me she thinks she could drink me under the table. I'm a pretty big guy and I can hold my liquor pretty well usually, but on this particular day I was drinking on an empty stomach - I should have known this was a recipe for disaster. I accept her challenge and we start slamming shots of vodka.
It doesn't happen to me often, but that night I got blackout drunk. Guess she won our little drinking contest. I don't remember much of anything, but according to my ex, I stumbled around like I was looking for something for a few minutes. Eventually I made my into the kitchen and ate about half a loaf of her bread then I got pale, stumbled into her bathroom and started throwing up pretty loudly (luckily at this point it was late and the other people we had over had left.)
Not sure what lead up to it but I somehow managed to uproot the toilet and tip it over while I was puking my guts out, I got water and vomit all over the whole entire bathroom. My ex was really drunk at the time too, but all the commotion obviously piqued her interest so she came to check on me. I didn't even try to clean it up in my state, apparently I gurgled out "that's it...I'm done." climbed into the bathtub and fell asleep. The poor girl had to clean it all up on her own. We broke up about 6 months later for completely unrelated reasons.
sw1ff: "completely unrelated" .... right.
Thethumbsupguy: You're right, it was the bread that did us in. I've come to accept the fact that I'm a monster.
Really, though, she was a total sweetheart about the whole fubar situation. We laugh about my epic fuck up now. We were friends long before we were together. The breakup was mutual and very amicable. We're still good friends and we hang out together a lot, we just wanted different things.
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1401750989 | 1401752130 | t3_275kn3 | t5_2to41 | 4 | UndeadAssassinM: TIFU By letting a girl cum on me.
This was a couple days ago, I was going to class when I saw my friend. She's a girl with huge breasts that make any man stop and stare. She's been a friend of mine the entire school year and I've been with her through tough problems. She's weird though she keeps walking up and whispering dirty things in my ear, ranging from her having a penis and others. I get to my seat in my 1st period class. I notice that there's some sort of white tube on the ground, I dismissed it as a fellow student losing their lotion or something. I'm talking to my friends, then the girl i was talking about walked up. She asked, "Can I cum on you?" (My heart started racing) I asked "What?".(I was thinking "GOD YES!!!!" I look at my friend to ask him if he understood what she said if it was a joke. As soon as my head turned i feel a liquid spurt on my arm. Sure enough, she's there with a giant smile on her face. "Thanks" she said "it's lotion, just rub it on your arm, bye. She walked away. I did as she said, praying it was lotion. I still don't know to this day if it was truly lotion.
Edit words:A week or two ago.
meganac: >"This was a couple days ago"
>"I still don't know to this day if it was truly lotion"
It's only been a few days...
UndeadAssassinM: Sorry my friend was too busy laughing at my story and yelling "POST IT ON TIFU, POST IT.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1401749536 | 1401753133 | t3_275i9i | t5_2to41 | 8 | miotroyo: TIFU by accidentally intoxicating my dog :(
Ok, this is the first time I do this so please bear with me.
Last night my wife asked me to give her the pills for her treatment, so like a good husband, I go to the kitchen and grab the bottle of pills by the cap. 'Somebody' did not lock the cap of the bottle and all of the pill were dropped in the floor. It was in the night, I was half sleep and I thought I had picked up all of the pills.
Unfortunately, my little dog thought it was a good idea to eat the one pill that I failed to see.
So, I went to bed since I was very tired. After about two hours our mother-in-law knocks on our door and tells us that she thinks the dog is dead. I wake up and go see her, but the dog was walking so I just decide to let her be in the garage where my other two little dogs are and I go back to bed. This is around 12am.
After another half hour I hear the dogs barking a lot, so I wake up again and go to the garage. Then I see the 2 dogs barking at the little dog and my first thought was that they were attacking her! so, I take them out of the garage and I see my dog laying almost unconscious on the floor. I thought she was shocked for the attack and I put her on my lap and I start calming her down. Suddenly, she start having a seizure and I don't understand why! By then my wife has also woke up and asks me what is going on, and I tell her that I think the other two dogs attacked her. She had this horrible seizures were I think that her heart is going to explode and she will die right there in my hands!
After the second seizure and being more awake, I remember the pills and I realize she must had eaten a pill! That explains the seizures and the rapid heart beating.
So we try to locate a vet and obviously, at 2am there no one available in a rural town. Then, I remember that one of my friend is a vet, so I call him and thank God he answers right away. After I explain the situation, he says that he has medicine to stop the seizures and to bring the dog to him. We immediately get in the car and he lives in another town half hour from us and we arrive past 3am.
He immediately give her a shot of ephinedrine and sure she stops having seizures. He also gives it olive oil to avoid her system to keep digesting the pill. After another half hour she is a bit better and we drive back home. Now it is 4am in the morning.
We took her to the vet later in the day, and now she is a bit better. I really hope this didn't take a toll on her health. I feel really sorry.
**TL:DR: I dropped pills to the floor and my dog ate one causing her severe seizures and almost dead.
strikes_from_the_sun: Wow, what kind of pills? My dog ate some pills for a psychiatric condition once, and spent the next hour or so watching and snapping at some flying things that weren't there.
miotroyo: TB treatment :(
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1401750470 | 1401752418 | t3_275jti | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: Tifu by leaving a crayon in my shirtpocket
Tifu. It all started yesterday I was at work and I wore a buttoned up work shirt (I work at a restaurant). Well whenever there are kids coming to eat we give them a little coloring sheet and crayons to keep them busy while their food is coming. Anyways after they left I cleaned up the table and put the crayons in a crayon box so that they can later be reused. After cleaning the table and putting away the crayons I found another crayon, a blue one and being lazy I didn't want to walk all the way back to the front to put the single crayon away, so I put it in my shirt pocket and forgot about it. So the next day which is today I totally forgot about the crayon and my mom took my clothes to wash them. After washing them she asked me if i had left something in my pockets and i said no(cause I forgot) and with further inspection she found a crayon wrapper and immediately knew it was from my work. So now the clothes have dark blue wax markings all over them! I feel guilty as fuck and some of my brothers work clothes are in there that he recently paid for. And almost all of that load of laundry is ruined because of me and my laziness to put away a crayon. Does anyone happen to know how to clean it off? I fucked up today.
raney-nickel: http://mommidiary.blogspot.com/2010/05/getting-crayon-out-of-washed-and-dried.html
raney-nickel: surely you can do this somewhere besides reddit, but thats what we are for right?
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1401753030 | 1401766128 | t3_275nus | t5_2to41 | 19 | BlessedBeYou: TIFU by touching a stripper's vagina
This happened a couple months ago, but recent events have me frightened about it.
I went to a strip club for my 18th birthday, and naturally, I was very excited (and drunk). But it turns out, I didn't really like strip clubs. The girls dancing didn't really turn me on. I guess I like the idea of a girl dancing for only me. But then, this really hot girl comes out, and I get excited. I start tipping her, and she seems to like it. She starts dancing for me, and when she flashes her vagina, i reach out and touch it. This is when shit goes down. Apparently (who would have thought?), you are not allowed to do that. The bouncer comes and gets angry at me. Long story short, I shouted at him, my friends shouted at him, and we all got thrown out (but not before I shouted at the bouncer, "You wish you could fuck that girl.")...I wish I could have gotten that girl's number (doubt I would have been able to anyway though).
The reason I'm scared though is that I'm scared I have an Std now. I'm not sure if you can get an Std from just touching a vagina (I'm not even sure if she was aroused), but in the last few months, I got the flu twice. Both times sucked, and the first time, was like 3 days after going to the strip club. Anyways, I just made the connection, and I'm freaking out. I made an appointment with my doctor for tomorrow, but I'm flipping out.
tl;dr I went to the strip club, touched a girls vagina, and got kicked out. Might have gotten an STD from it too.
[deleted]: You can't get an STD like that, assuming that you didn't do something like lick your fingers right after.
Also wtf dude, you touched a stranger's genitalia without their explicit permission. Of course you were going to get kicked out.
joe-ducreux: False - [Hand Herpes](http://www.skinsight.com/adult/herpeticWhitlow.htm)
BlessedBeYou: Holy shit...would I have symptoms by now or not? I did not even know this existed.
joe-ducreux: muhahahahahaha
99.99% sure you don't have it. I just wanted to get in your head. Cheers!
BlessedBeYou: Well...you win haha
I'm just sooo scared right now.
| 6 | 3.166667 | |
1401745737 | 1401754397 | t3_275c2z | t5_2to41 | 31 | RidlanX: TIFU by taking out my contact lenses
It was about 11 yrs ago when I fucked up. I was tired and ready for bed after relaxing a bit after getting home from work. I hobbled my tired ass into the bathroom so I could remove my contacts, which I have done so many times before that it's become part of my daily ritual. I gawk into the mirror at myself wondering about the next day. I get my contact case ready, along with the saline solution bottle and prepare myself for the eyeball lenses extraction that is about to occur. I reach up with my left hand and open my eye lids so that my right hand can do it's dirty work of wrestling the foreign object, that allows me to see, from my eye. As soon as my finger touches my eyeball, I feel a HOT, PAINFUL, THROBBING, and SEARING punch to my eyeball. I doubled over in pain, and backed off toward what I thought was the door. All I could see and sense was red due to the immense pain that I was feeling. This red that I saw could easily have been what some may see if they look directly at the sun. I couldn't grasp what was happening so I kept repeating "What the fuck did I just do?". I kept trying to open my other eye, but it was like "What? No motherfucker, you just fucked up the other eye so I don't trust your ass." I sat my unhappy ass down on the floor waiting and wondering if I should call for help. Thankfully, the pain started to dull after what seemed like ages and I was able to open my non injured eye. I looked in the mirror wondering what the hell I just did to cause this...did I have a finger nail poke me? and was this finger nail on fire?. Then it hit me like a sudden brick wall ruining a blind mans day. I had made chili for dinner earlier and I cut up some fresh jalapeno to add to it. Well, I guess I didn't wash my hands all that well and I didn't really think about it. Now the only problem is that I need to get my other contact out. I scrubbed the shit out of my hands before the attempt knowing full well the pain that will come my way if I am not thorough.
TL:DR Wash your hand before touching your eyes after handling jalapenos.
EDIT: finger & incoherent sentence.
MithraMarie: ah yes! i have done this before but with a Serrano chile!
i feel like when you have your contacts in, it last a billion times longer than if you weren't wearing contacts..
RidlanX: Yeah, I swear it lasted way to long. I ended up throwing out my contacts just in case the Saline didn't clean them well enough.
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1401753173 | 1401783004 | t3_275o2y | t5_2to41 | 118 | RaigekiAKH: TIFU by accidentally giving my sister a footjob and ruptured her hymen while watching Disney Channel [NSFW]
Swarlsonegger: I didn't even know women CAN get footjobs. Thanks op, you opened a whole new world for me.
RaigekiAKH: I have already opened enough things today. But you're welcome.
warboy: http://i.imgur.com/OQGOy.gif
Vistara: i died!
warboy: http://i.imgur.com/UO7tulf.jpg
katzali: .jpg
moves
What is this wizardry?
| 7 | 16.857143 | |
1401753156 | 1401764079 | t3_275o1u | t5_2to41 | 9 | Tornath2: TIFU by having feelings and poor timing.
TIFU because over the last few weeks, I've been feeling closer than ever to a girl whom I'd consider to be one of if not my best friend. We've been spending a decent amount of time together, we text a good bit, and I've even flirted a bit. She's known for a while how I felt about her but she started dating someone right around the same time I really made my feelings clear. I don't ever want to be the cause of a relationship splitting up or having problems, so as a rule if the person I'm interested in is in a relationship I won't pursue them.
Well, a few days ago everything changed. Her boyfriend had been becoming distant, and broke up with her. I did the best I could to make her feel better and to console her but there's only so much that one person can do for another in that situation, and then I realized that light a switch being flipped, my feelings reared their ugly head and I really wanted to be in a relationship with her.
So a day or two passed since the breakup and I felt like it was too soon to say anything, but I also felt like I needed to speak up before I missed any chance I might have to be more than her friend, so I sent her a text. I said basically that regardless of her answer, I'd always still be her friend, but that she knows how I feel about her and I'd like to take her on a date and see if there's anything there, that she can take her time to think about it and decide, that I know the wound is still raw right now and I don't want her to feel pressured but I wanted a chance to at least be considered.
Since then she hasn't replied to me once. I feel like by reminding her of my feelings for her, I've driven a wedge of awkwardness between my best friend and I. If she rejects me it'll hurt but it won't matter because I'll still have an awesome and amazing friend in her, but if she's afraid to say anything to me all I can do is worry that I've damaged the relationship I do have with one of my closest friends.
tl;dr Caught a case of the feels, she hasn't spoken to me since.
Fr0stedwheaties: Dude I'm the same boat as you right now. Having a friend in pain after a break-up makes you think that you being there for them in their time of need would be the best time to speak up. I did the exact same thing about a month ago and my friend came around and said that it was just bad timing we talk all the time still it was just a shitty situation to put her in. Don't worry man you are ok if she is as good a friend as you say she is she will understand what you were trying to do.
Tornath2: I really hope you're right, because honestly, I'd give absolutely anything right now to take back what I said so that I could wait for a better time. I mean, I care about her more than most people I know. I always try to be there for her in every way I can anytime she needs me day or night, and the entire situation right now makes me feel like I'm missing a limb, or have a giant hole in my chest. I just want my friend back even if she doesn't feel the same way about me. :(
Fr0stedwheaties: I felt the same way when it happened with me too. It was an awkward couple of days but then she hit me up for drinks and we talked about it. Long story short be confident about your feelings chicks hate the insecure unless they get a kick out of playing a guy but then you shouldn't be trying to get with that anyway
Tornath2: well, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to talk to her on Wednesday regardless because our jobs force us to interact at least a few times a week. I just hope it's not awkward and that she'll at least talk to me about it even if to say nothing more than she's going to pretend I didn't say it and that I shouldn't say it again. :(
Fr0stedwheaties: Judging from the title timing is not your strong suit so don't try to push it. take her out to lunch if you are able to. Find a time when she isn't busy and just politely say you would like to talk.
Tornath2: Timing not my strong suit? I never would have guessed! lol. But yeah, I'm doing my best to not text her again trying to prompt a response. I'm just going to do my best to chill till weds, and if she brings it up, then we'll talk, otherwise I'm going to try and go forward ignoring the silence and pain that comes along with it. Though all things considered I've gotten really good at ignoring pain, so it's just a matter of ignoring the silence now. lol.
Fr0stedwheaties: That's all you can do man is sit and wait as bad as its gonna hurt you don't want seem desperate.
| 8 | 1.125 | |
1401753655 | 1401774851 | t3_275otf | t5_2to41 | 55 | i_jizzed_: TIFU by Jizzing in my Pants [NSFW]
Ok, so I should start this story by mentioning that, whilst I've had a few close calls, my virginity is still sticking to me like a fucking limpet as I approach my 23rd birthday. I keep coming pretty close and then something gets in the way. In this case my early-splurge.
This happened a few weeks ago at a friend's house where a bunch of us were visiting. During the day we hung out with a bunch of her friends, one of whom I thought was really cute, but way out of my league.
We had a house party later and, with about 4 litres of beer in me, it turns out she's not out of my league after all. I walk her home, we make out a lot, I sleep in her bed, we make breakfast together. All very nice. No sex happened, we were both too drunk.
The next day we're texting and we decide to go out again later in the week.
Now, in an attempt to provide context for my imminent seminal false start, when I say my friends 'house' it's more like a room with an en suite, that 4 of us were sharing. I stroke my schlong fairly regularly when I'm on my own, but with 4 of us in a room and paper-thin bathroom walls, there were no wanks to be had all week.
By the time my second date came around, I had been 6 days without ridding my balls of semen. It went really well, we went for a long walk, watched a film, made out some more, I probably could have made a move then, but I didn't. Perhaps I would be telling a different story if I had.
We slept in the same bed again. Sleep was going well, as it usually does, when for some reason I wake up. "My dick's twitching, that's weird" I think to myself as I drift back off to sleep.
We wake up and, what can I say, my underpants are a splooge filled mess. I mean, I suspect my dick better resembled a giant, slime covered slug than a functional penis. Turns out my dick twitching was in fact that, post-cum, blood leaving the dick dance.
Of course this is the time when the making out heats up. She puts my hand between her thighs, but all I can think of is how weirded out she's going to be when her hand ventures south and finds the path to glory coated in my man juice.
Eventually with no progress made she decides it's time for her to go shower and get dressed. I left my friend's city without seeing her again, walking into the proverbial sunset, jizzed soaked boxers in hand and virginity intact.
roach69:
>cum, blood leaving the dick
i think i read this wrong, and it deeply disturbed me
HerpDerpMapleSerp: I guess you could say it *rubbed you the wrong way*.
spankthepunkpink: >I guess you could say it rubbed you the wrong way.
(•_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
FTFY
| 4 | 13.75 | |
1401757652 | 1402031862 | t3_275uyz | t5_2to41 | 66 | kinda_alone: New Rules and Temporary Ban on "Shitting Myself" posts
Hi guys,
I hope post-default life is treating you all well. We feel like the sub is headed in the right directions. That being said, we have had some controversial posts recently, so the modteam and I have decided to add some additional rules.
* First of all, all posts involving obscene sexual situations, such as, but not limited to, incest, minors, and assault, will be removed. For example, posts like today's involving [this drunken incident](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/273iyw/tifu_by_getting_so_drunk_that_i_made_a_serious/) will be removed in the future. A post such as [this one](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/274rpb/tifu_by_having_sex/) is acceptable since it involved a consensual incident between two, unrelated, adults.
* Second, posts relating to causing the death of someone and suicides will also be removed. We feel that these stories are difficult to verify and are sensitive topics. The comments in many of these stories can also get completely out of hand. If you or someone you know is suffering from depression and has suicidal thoughts, or if you know someone who has recently taken his or her own life, /r/suicidewatch[1] is a more appropriate place for help. At this moment, any post resulting in the death of someone will be removed. These are rare and not many examples exist, but you should be able to understand what we are talking about.
* Thirdly and on a slightly less serious note, we need to discuss your bowel movements. While there is always the occasional gem, the vast majority of the "Today I Shit Myself" genre is unamusing, unoriginal, and probably made up. Starting tomorrow, we going to have a two week ban on these shitty posts. If you need an example, feel free to looks at the tifu frontpage; I am sure there are several.
We are making these changes because there has been an influx of these impossible to verify stories. Redditors involved engaged in some VERY controversial topics, which puts the modteam in uncomfortable positions. Posts such as these create unnecessary drama.
Finally some housekeeping matters. Please keep in mind that OP knows he has fucked up; that's why he is posting. There is absolutely no need to remind OP how wrong he was or how he fucked up. It discourages quality posting, it is a distraction from the entertainment this sub is supposed to bring, and finally, it just makes you seem like an ass. Also, please remember that the posts do not technically have to be from today. You do not need to comment reminding OP that the subreddit is called "Today I Fucked Up." Please let us know about any suggestions for the future, and remember to message us anytime you report a comment.
Thank you and continue to fuck up,
The modteam
P.S. Next goal is to have a more consistent fuotw
vitocaa: Sorry, but i think you guys are making a mistake on #1 .
the_dinks: Care to explain why? We really *do* want feedback.
chapinha: Fucking with your sister/bother/mother is a gigantic fuck up. One hell of a fuck up. It's not illegal, nor imoral, just a taboo that accompanies us for thousands of years. Reading about it is sadistic and entertaining, please revisit this rule
the_dinks: Those types of incest are illegal in every western country.
chapinha: Actually, the jurisdictions are mixed on incest: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laws_regarding_incest
the_dinks: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laws_regarding_incest#United_States
chapinha: > every western country
every western country ≠ US
the_dinks: I assumed you could find the European and Canadian laws yourself, seeing as they use the civil law system on a Nationwide basis.
chapinha: The minority of Europe outlaws incest. South America doesn't. What's your definition of "every western country"?
the_dinks: Looking through your history, it's clear you live in Brazil, so I'll apologize. I thought you were being pedantic, and I am guilty of Eurocentrism. Sorry about that :/
The mods are firm on this topic. Our argument was never centered around legality, it's centered around the fact that most of those posts are probably bullshit. If you disagree with that point, you will have to do a *lot* of research/writing to convince us otherwise, considering this is a large internet forum.
chapinha: No apology needed, I was just chiming in with my opinions. The legal argument is bad, and it's a good thing that the mods didn't do it because of that. About the BS stuff, you guys must know more about this subreddit than I do, so I respect the decision.
the_dinks: It's not really a subreddit thing, it's just an internet thing. Fake incest stories are all over the place, and it's easy to write a fake incest story as a grab for attention.
chapinha: true
| 14 | 4.714286 | |
1401760611 | 1401767009 | t3_275zdg | t5_2to41 | 113 | cozmobuddy: TIFU By trying to play a joke on my wife
Sorry for the spelling and shit I'll correct later I'm on some weird pain meds at the moment.
My wife was sleeping since she had just got home from the gym and was laying there face up. So I decided to T-Bag her since we've been having a little game where we try to do that to each other (kind of like a game of tag we would try to get each other). Since she had gotten me the night before I felt like this was my time of revenge.
Since she was sleeping I carefully got on the bed and spread my legs out over her face. She wasn't going anywhere I decided to make it more funny by taking it to the next level (bad idea). I took by ballsack out the side of my shorts since I'm going full commando and begin to lower my scrotum into her open/snoring mouth. When that happened apparently my sack completely covered her airways so she woke in a panic. During that panic she managed to bite down on my ball sack and it started to bleed like crazy. She began crying and apologizing while also trying to figure out wtf just happened. I'm writing this from my hospital bed since the doctor said I should be walking too much. Even if your not religious please pray for my jewels.
Tldr: tried to have my sleeping wife gargle my nut sack, but she woke up in a panic and bite my balls.
aldekeyser: Wait i swear we just heard about a different teabagging incident.
cozmobuddy: That's what inspired this. I thought we can make it a fun little game, but we couldn't control it for more than a day
aldekeyser: That would be funny, we can even make a counter for teabagging incidents.
cozmobuddy: Sadly
| 5 | 22.6 | |
1401760371 | 1401766915 | t3_275z1e | t5_2to41 | 10 | Garza1: TIFU by cutting off a piece of my scrotum while shaving my balls.
Today, I was feeling motivated when I woke and decided to do a little housework. I cleaned my room, did my laundry, and took a shower. I then decided to go the extra mile and shave my balls, since it'd been a while and I'd just bought a new trimmer. I finished trimming, and then, when I took to them with scissors to clean up, I cut off a piece of the scrotum by cutting too close to the skin (sac?). It didn't really hurt at all, besides a sharp pinch.. the worst part was realizing I'd gored myself with scissors. After the initial shock wore off, I threw the little circle of scrotum-flesh and flushed it down the toilet. I now have an M&M sized pink spot of raw flesh on my scrotum that's bleeding slightly. I put some neosporin on and have a bandage on it.. hopefully that should do it and it'll heal on it's own.
TL;DR I gored my balls with scissors.. not as bad as you'd think.
johnnywacko: Electric razor with a good size guard.
Garza1: That's what I used at first! But there were some stray hairs, and I like a trim look down there.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1401762244 | 1401771730 | t3_2761wf | t5_2to41 | 6 | MCCreepers13: TIFU by teaching my 9 year old brother how to masturbate.
4ndrewx2: OP, I read your post before it was removed. You didn't do anything wrong, masturbation is perfectly fine and is a natural thing. It's better that he learns from someone he respects and trusts. You didn't rob him of anything.
MCCreepers13: I know I didn't do anything wrong, but I feel like he's going to think I molested him or something and tell our mom our dad what happened, and then have the talk with him and yell at me, lecture me, ground me, or worse he dosent care about what happened for now but later in life he'll build up these thoughts in his head and get all worked up and be worried to tell my parents what I did. Or he thinks I'm "gay" ( hes immature like that and calls people gay or pervert in situations ) and he's gonna tell his friends what I did and they will all think I'm "gay" and then i'll be laughed at and get weird looks my whole life. I just wish I didn't ever do what I did. I wish I could read my brothers mind and see what he's thinking. God I just hope I didn't make him creeped out of me. oh my god...I hate my life....I just feel so worried and guilty and everything. UGHHHHHHHH
4ndrewx2: He's either self-conscious about what he did and won't tell anyone else like most people, or he'll be excited to tell his friends about the very pleasurable things he knows how to do. I'm not sure where the hole "molestation" concern comes from if all you did was tell him what it was and answer his questions. You didn't watch or touch him, so no problem.
Plus, if your fears manifest and you are actually grounded or his friends give you weird looks, it won't be for your whole life. Not sure how old you are, but it sounds like you have a long life ahead of you. Things get buried in the past very easily. Soon you'll be living independently with your own set of friends and nobody will be the wiser of anything you did in your past. The whole calling people gay thing becomes meaningless after middle school. Mature people who call other people gay are usually insecure about their own sexuality.
Don't stress over this. Just relax, listen to some music or watch a movie or something. It's really not as big of a deal as you are making it out to be. Days, weeks, and months will pass and this will be but a vague memory.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1401762604 | 1401787893 | t3_2762ex | t5_2to41 | 30 | Throwurmomawayzzz: TIFU: Unconsciously made a racist joke to my black boss this morning
It's monday morning. I'm groggy from a long weekend with friends. I stumble into work, put my bag down at my desk and head to the kitchen for my coffee. I'm still half asleep when K-cup is finished brewing, grab my coffee and begin to walk towards the door. Now I usually like my coffee with milk and two sugars but im too hungover/tired to even care about that right now. That's when i hear "like your coffee black now huh"? I didnt't even think and quipped back "yeah, just like my women". What i said didn't register until about 6 steps outside the kitchen and that's when the hair stands up on the back of my neck. One of the biggest "OH FUCK" moments of my life. I turned to my left, looked through the window into the kitchen and my boss was just standing there with his empty coffee cup, staring at my, with his jaw nearly touching the floor.
lbkatan: I don't know where you guys live, but in certain situations this is considered hypersexualization of the black woman. In a country that not too long ago the black woman was property of a white guy, this is really racist.
jeff_purple_wiggle: Pretty sure that the fact you actually think like that makes you the racist
lbkatan: That's just the history of Brazil
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1401764929 | 1401809607 | t3_2765wd | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my parents borrow my goats
My parents suburban home needed some brush cleared. "Borrow my goats," I say. "What could go wrong?"
Of course they escaped. Of course they went to the one neigbor we don't know. Of course his patio furniture was brand new. Now we owe him $1000. How do I pay for that?!??
[deleted]: I still can't get past the whole idea of "borrowing" goats
22mule22: Sorry to hear that. I got to borrow 1500 sheep for a weekend and had to pay for and repair the neighbor's "invisible" dog fence thing that they managed to eat.
You needed to lend them a couple of herding dogs to manage them next time.
HeartAndFist_: How do you borrow 1500 sheep??
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1401766439 | 1401833713 | t3_27683m | t5_2to41 | 97 | Ineedarealname-: TIFU by masturbating in my sleeping bag - Possible [NSFW]
So this weekend I went camping with a bunch of my buddies.
At around 4 am after the campfire was out we all headed to bed (the four of us slept in one big tent). After everyone was asleep and snoring, I got bored as fuck. So as any sane person would do, I started to jack off.
At first I was like, fuck it I'll go to the edge then stop. When I got to said edge I said fuck it again, and came on my stomach in the sleeping bag. Now at this point I was really tired and sleepy and obviously wasn't thinking straight.
I didn't have anything to clean up with. I had left my socks out at the campfire, and to get out I would have to climb over everyone else so as any logical person would do, I ate my cum. Yep. Starting scooping it up with my fingers and licking it off, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible.
After I had finished I was horrified with what I did. And I still can't grasp what I did. But the good thing is that none of them found out, or I would have definitely heard about it the following morning.
**TL;DR: Masturbated in my sleeping bag, was forced to eat my own cum.**
CONSCIOUS_BEING: You could have just rolled on one side and blew into the far side of the sleeping bag. How could you just eat it? Man..
Devilman662: Cause then he doesn't have to sleep in a bed of his own semen.
CONSCIOUS_BEING: So.. You're telling me you would rather gobble down your jizz? That's what I'm getting from you.
Devilman662: Maybe not that but I'd pick it up and fling it somewhere else.
| 5 | 19.4 | |
1401763657 | 1401807074 | t3_2763zc | t5_2to41 | 13 | thawkinson: TIFU by trying to start friendly conversation
So a few months ago actually, I was at work and my "job for the day" was the dress line. I should probably explain that our dress line is for hamburgers and my job was to put on ketchup, pickles, tomato ect. We have an open kitchen so as soon as you walk in, you're facing the register with a grill behind the cashier and a dress line on the right.
On a particularly slow day, a man walks up to the counter with his son and he is on crutches. I've seen this man before and last time he was in I remember the crutches. So I walked up next to the front counter and tried to start conversation by jokingly saying "you've been on those crutches for a while now!" I was expecting some story about falling and breaking it, but he didn't look at me and just mumbled a few words, "yeah I have."
Not realizing what had happened, I turned around and returned to the dress line, just thinking he wasn't up for the conversation. Moments after he walked away from the cash register, my coworker ran up behind me and said, "you know he's missing a leg right?" I was completely mortified and felt horrible for saying that to him. I'm sure he's used to stares and such but I couldn't have felt worse about it.
Needless to say, he hasn't come back since.
tl;dr ask dude why he was on crutches not knowing he was actually missing a leg
johnnywacko: Coworker is fucking with you.
thawkinson: watched him walk out. he was indeed missing a limb :(
johnnywacko: Poor word choice!
NancyFuckinGrace: watched him *hobble* out
just doesnt sound the same...
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1401769590 | 1401836311 | t3_276cbj | t5_2to41 | 7 | Katasumi: TIFU by showing my girlfriend League of Legends
She hasn't talked to me in 6 hours and is level 8. She is hogging the internet and I don't know what to say. She has never liked video games until now which is very odd being that she called me lame for playing League when she first moved in 2 months ago. I also think she is about to be on her period so I can't say to get off without her nagging at me. I feel the need to get her addicted to something else like maybe a TV show because then that would be temporary rather than a game where new things constantly come out.
Phyrric: Maybe you should start playing League with her. I rage constantly on that, so maybe taking out your frustration that you have about her on League can be a healthy way to communicate. Also, it can spice things up during sex.
Edit: Like maybe dress her up in an Ashe cosplay while you are Braum.
Katasumi: By spice up you mean roleplay? Not going to lie, Ahri is hella hot. Wouldn't mind roleplaying with her.
Voyager5555: It works actually. I used to live with a few of my friends, 2 of whom were dating. The guy was super into WoW but his GF didn't play, so he built her a PC and got her going with it. They'd spend hours "together" in different rooms in the game, and while not my cup of tea, did seem to bridge a gap in their relationship and brought them closer together.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1401766625 | 1401792546 | t3_2768c3 | t5_2to41 | 2 | CplCheez: TIFU by watching someone back into another's car and did nothing.
So school just let out and I'm sitting at my friend's car waiting to leave. Just staring out from a distance. A car (the one that was hit) wasn't in an actually parking spot, and was actually somewhat illegally placed. All of this happened in the parking lot at my school. Then, out of nowhere I heard the car that hit the parked car. The white Trailblazer backed into the front side of the car.
The guy walked out of his car, looked at the damage he caused, and ran back to his car. He immediately drove off into the line to leave. So I went back up to the parked car to check out what happened. The guy left a sizeable dent, roughly 2 banana for scale tall, 3 bananas for scale wide.
I then thought to myself "You know, this wouldn't have happened if that car wasn't parked there." So I wrote a note letting the owner know that this could have been avoided if she had not parked illegally. I may have also called her a moron.
My friend then saw me put the note on her windshield and because he's an honest man, he told the owner of the hit car who wrote the note. He didn't say any names, he just said I wrote the note.
I know I can recognize the driver as well as the Trailblazer. But I feel so uncomfortable about what I've done. Hopefully this will all blue over as soon as I find the guy who hit and run.
Long Story Short: I saw a guy hit a car, and ran off, while I did nothing but blame the person who parked in a non existing spot.
thatlazydude: >roughly 2 banana for scale tall, 3 bananas for scale wide.
I feel like the banana scale is vastly underused.
Oh. And as long as it doesn't look like *you* did it, this isn't too bad of a fuck up.
CplCheez: I just feel like I could have done something useful instead of being the seagull and just shitting on everything.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1401769095 | 1401772031 | t3_276bou | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to the beach.
Ok so today some of my family from New Mexico was visiting me in California.Seeing as how there's no beaches in NM I propose the idea to go to the beach.We get to the beach at about 12:30,a bit later than we had wanted.I decide that because I wasn't going to go in the water just yet,I didn't need to put on sunscreen.For perspective,I am whiter than a marshmallow.At about 2:00 I go into the water for a little and **then** do i decide to put on sunscreen.We left from the beach at 5:00ish and i felt fine.But now,at 9:15,I am burnt to a crisp.I'm currently sitting in my bathrooom covered in aloe vera and trying not to cook in my own skin.
**TL;DR**:I look and feel like someone rubbed ghost pepper hot sauce all over me.
Zonnbi: 8( sorry to hear about your fuck up. My only advise is frequent misting with cold water maybe a Tylenol pm to ease the pain and knock you out. They do make lidocane ointments for sun burns, it should cool and numb your skin. Good luck, the next few days is going to suck so much for you.
iamnotkwin: Thank you man,i'm probably going to get some lidocaine tomorrow when I cool down.I'm glad I didn't get it as bad as my sister,she got burned the day before yesterday at Disneyland then got burned again today.
Zonnbi: I would go now if you can because come 3am when you're tossing and turning not sleeping you'll wish you had. Most Walgreen's are open late so you still have time.
iamnotkwin: True true,I think i'm gonna put on some more aloe then go,because I know when i'm sleeping this is going to be even worse.
Zonnbi: Good plan, and good luck. I hope you at least get one big chunk of skin you can peel off with satisfaction instead of the flakey dandruff peeling.
iamnotkwin: That's probably the only silver lining to this whole shebang to be honest.
| 7 | 1.714286 | |
1401757567 | 1401818767 | t3_275uua | t5_2to41 | 4 | Fr0stedwheaties: TIFU by drinking with my friends [ NSFW ]
So to set the situation started working at a bar 2 years ago. Started as a bar back eventually moved up to bartender at my 21st birthday when I started bar tending I rarely hung out at my work was just there for the job and would leave. Roughly 4 months ago we hired another you g bartender who is about the same age as me ( the others are all in their 40's to 50's). Me and her started to hit it off and became close friends so we started to hang out at work after our shifts and toss back a few. Fast forward to my birthday last month and they thee me a party at work which was great. My boss let me go early to party with my friends we ended up getting fairly intoxicated so we decided to get a hotel room so my buddy and her friend all walked to the hotel. Got there and went to the room decided we wanted to get in the pool but had no clothes so being drunk as hell we decided skinny dipping was the best idea. So we had fun things started getting frisky between me and her so we said we are tired and went back to the room leaving my buddy and her friend at the pool. We got to the room took a shower and ended up getting intimate I passed out in the other bed in the room while she went to give the other 2 the extra key card to the room. Fast forward about 8 hours and some up inside her friend. Trying to remember what happened and why my hair was still wet I could onl guess I took a shower with her best friend ended up getting it again moved to the bed and finished there. I woke up told everyone I'm getting them breakfast and stood downstairs in front of the complimentary breakfast for about an hour.
TLDR. Got drunk fucked my friend from work. Fucked her best friend. And now both of them think something is going on between me and each of them independently
thatlazydude: This is what is called *winning*
Fr0stedwheaties: Until either of them find out we are in a love triangle. I'm also dating my bartender friend now so that will be awkward lol
thatlazydude: I would kill to have this problem.
Fr0stedwheaties: Long story short dont stick your dick in crazy
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1401772785 | 1401816331 | t3_276fy5 | t5_2to41 | 187 | [deleted]: TIFU by having a six year old walk in on me [NSFW]
So my girlfriend was giving me a BJ at her house, we had been discussing about our relationship and decided to bring it to the next level. It just kind of happened and time flew by quite quick. She had been going for quite a while and I was getting close to orgasm. She started going really hard and I started to feel an earth shattering orgasm coming and started to make some noises that would closely resemble the screech of Godzilla. As im charging the spirit bomb from my dick, a six year old thinking most likely that a Dora the Explorer finale had come on opens the door and walks in and stares at us in wonder.
We made eye contact and I did the only thing I could, I called upon the power of Jesus himself and flew off the bed like half-court shot from Michael Jordan. The decent from the bed felt like hours and without my knowledge I unleashed a spirit bomb like no other. It came out like a motherfucking falcon diving upon its prey. As I hit the ground face up I was at full climax. The stars aligned and the angle at which I hit ground cause the destruction of mount Olympus followed by the release of Chronos the titan. My dick was like a fire hose, flapping around spewing cum everywhere sending a jet of semen directly at her six year old sister. My Gf at the time, who I am convinced in an Olympic diver, dove off the bed in an attempt shield her sister.
Unfortunately the attempt was unsuccessful and the damage was done. What had been seen could not be unseen. We grabbed her sister and sprinted to the shower with speeds on par with those of Usain bolt. It was only a room away and probably took 5 seconds but to me it felt like I was a CIA agent crawling through the jungle of Vietnam. We cleaned the mess covering her face and through an elaborate scheme we recreated a neuryliser pen from men in black and used it on her. We convinced her that it was all just a freak accident involving spontaneous combustion of a gallon of milk which she believed. luckily for me her parents and the rest of her family were watching the finale of breaking bad and heard none of the boisterous anomalies that occurred that day.
I can’t help but wonder that someday she will remember this moment and find out what happened. All I can do now is try and not think about it while crying out of shame from what I have done.
BrahmsLullaby: The true crime here is your analogies.
clutcht: No its him not watching the breaking bad finally. I mean cum on dude.
MachinaExDeo: Ah, in with the sex puns... didn't think I'd semeny of those.
coachfortner: cum on!? That was jizz right
| 5 | 37.4 | |
1401772669 | 1401816741 | t3_276ft4 | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting blackout drunk... again - NSFW
NSFW
So, I've been best friends with one of my buddies since the seventh grade. I'm 21 years old now. Over the course of our long friendship, my buddy (who I'll refer to as J) has seen me blackout drunk a couple of times. J has recently moved into a new apartment with his girlfriend of about four or five years. We've since hungout several of times and got pretty drunk - but not blackout drunk. Well, this last time I drank with him, I ended up consuming a fifth of vodka in about an hour or hour and a half. When I woke up, I awoke on a couch with no cushions
"Oh, fuck!" Was my first reaction followed by an aching back pain (from the couch) so I decided I would lay down in the floor and pass back out. When I laid down, I noticed there was a huge wet spot in the floor in front of his TV. I'm feeling very nervous and confused now. Shortly after, my best friend walks in the room with a towel and a bottle of some kind of cleaning spray. He looks at me with the most disappointing look that I've ever been given and tells me he needs to talk to me. The dialogue went something along the lines of, "Hey bro... you really fucked up last night. That wet spot right there - you totally pissed all over my carpet."
I immediately apologize several times and try my best to explain that it wasn't acceptable and I asked how it happened. He continues,
"Well, I tried to make you lay down and you got up, walked over to my T.V., grabbed the top of it and knocked my Kinect over. Kneeled down on one knee, whipped your dick out, and continued to piss all over my floor while staring at me in the eye."
"Ohhh fuuuck man... that's not cool." I would imagine is what I said... I don't particularly remember my exact words because of the nature of the craziness I was hearing.
"That's not even the worst part. At one point, you walked in on my girlfriend while she was doing her makeup and started to pee in front of her. When I realized what was going on, I grabbed her and made her get out of there. When you finished pissing, you came out of bathroom with no pants on with my towel rack in your hands. Yeah, you ripped my towel rack off. For the next few minutes you kept walking around naked and telling us to, 'look at my hitler'. (I shaved my pubes in the shape of a hitler moustache, why? I don't know. I was bored the day before and didn't feel like shaving it off afterwards).
So my mind is completely blown. He then tells me that he has to take me home and I'm probably not allowed ever back at his house again which I feel is appropriate because of the circumstances. Anyways, I go home and try to let it sink in. I end up passing out and wake up later and hop on Skype and my buddy calls me. He ends up making light of the situation and apparently they're both not THAT mad at what I did and have sort of forgave me, although I'm never allowed to drink liquor at their apartment again. Anyways, it was enough to make me stop drinking.
TLDR; got blackout drunk, ripped off my buddies towel rack, walked around with no pants asking people to 'look at my hitler moustache' (aka my pubes), and then proceeded to take a piss in my buddies living room floor while making eye contact.
JackTickleson: Yes
FapFapLulz: quite
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1401774012 | 1401819320 | t3_276har | t5_2to41 | 10 | ianini: TIFU by texting the wrong group chat
So graduation is right around the corner, and this week some friends and I are were planning on kicking back this week. We were planning it all through a group chat and all was fine and dandy. Then, being the lazy student that I am, I took a nap and awoke to over 25 messages. On my lock screen, all the messages look the same so I had assumed that they were all from the same group chat but oh no, someone started a new group chat with me in it and about 8 contacts that I didn't recognize. In my still post-nap state of consciousness, I texted this new group (thinking it was just the small group with my friends) "I don't wanna drink with people not in my contacts. lol." Only once I closed out of that group chat and saw the one with only my friends did I realize I fucked up. As you can imagine, they very supportive. Now I can't show my face before graduation. Bag of shame for me.
NancyFuckinGrace: I am confus
jux74p0se: bag of shame for you too
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1401775927 | 1402151439 | t3_276jcz | t5_2to41 | 136 | nonstopfapd: TIFU by masturbating 10 consecutive times
First off, I'm female. And second, fapping is probably more tiring for me than most because (though I won't go into detail) I will use a lot of hip+leg work to get off easier.
That said, this happened last night. I hadn't masturbated or done any kind of sexual activity in a while so I get in bed a bit early and start doing my thing. I take my time for the first round, so then I think "haven't done this in a while, why not go for a second round?" Second took me only a couple minutes. Then I went in for a third. And a fourth. At this point I'm thinking about breaking my record. And I did, but somehow it wasn't enough as if some sick sex-demons were possessing me to go on until I came 10 times.
Eventually I was getting tired and the climaxes were uncomfortable rather than pleasurable. But I came a 9th time, almost done! Suddenly on the 10th round I got the worst leg cramp I've ever had. I uttered a weird exclamation between "oww" and "aiieee" which brings my flat mate to come see what's going on. She sees me in bed, naked, panting and drenched in a puddle of sweat, clutching my leg. Hesitantly asks if I'm all right, I think just out of politeness. I manage "yeah but ow my fucking leg cramped" or something. She leaves.
And yes I did finish that 10th round. So I'll pretend it was worth all the soreness and awkwardness that followed.
**Tl;dr fapped 10 times, horrible leg cramp, caught by flatmate**
holnrew: No man could go ten times in a row. It's not fair :(
darkangel8724: You haven't met my husband
dancingmrt: Your husband is anatomically gifted, because its not normal for guys to cum multiple times like a woman can. Normally takes a quick minute to fill our super soaker again, which is normally when I take the time to catch up on some foreplay, thereby getting her rocks off while mine take a power nap.
Again, if your claims are true, thats pretty astounding .
darkangel8724: Well, I don't lie. Though I'm unsure whether or not he can cum 10 times in a row. We've gone at least 3 for him. Once he finishes, he doesn't go soft so he can keep on trucking through. I think our current record stands at 6 hours straight.
anonymousgangster: You dirty little whore
darkangel8724: That's a strange response to that statement. But no. My husband couldn't afford me if he had to pay. I'd be a high class whore.
anonymousgangster: Tell me more about your high class whore fantasy...
| 8 | 17 | |
1401782407 | 1401798747 | t3_276p2w | t5_2to41 | 10 | HappyNerdo: TIFU by bringing my roommate flowers.
I'm a guy and it's my first year in college. I happen to live with 2 girls in our dorm, same flat, divided rooms even though we share some utilities. We have always been friendly and I care a lot about both of them.
That's why when I noticed one of them having a hard time, I wanted to do something nice for her. This morning when I wend for a run, I picked a bunch of flowers for her. At the end, I was actually proud of myself, having just created a bouquet shining with bright colors, all tied up by some grass.
I gave it to her, hoping to see her happy at least for a while. After I finished showering, I noticed her door closed and my flowers still in the kitchen. She didn't even take them so I threw them away.
Half an hour later, she came to my room and politely explained to me that she isn't interested in dating me. It left me breathless, mostly because neither did I want to date her.
So that's the story of how I got rejected, even though I never gave an offer. I never knew I needed a reason to give a girl some flowers.
Is it still a fuck-up if I can't stop laughing?
jeff_purple_wiggle: cuntpunt
Halucin8ing: CCUUNNTTPPUUNNTT!!!!
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1401786444 | 1401841880 | t3_276ryl | t5_2to41 | 207 | TheHumanGuitarman: TIFU by making a shitty poop joke in the middle of a job interview
My interview was going great for a while but about 10 minutes into it my interviewer saw that I had worked at Jimmy Johns. He said he loves Jimmy Johns and he always orders the #9 with light hot peppers. So I was like "yeah ya gotta go easy with the peppers, those are pretty painful...coming....out...."
Even though that was one of the most retarded things I could have said I was expecting a "haha I know what ya mean" and then we'd just move on but instead he gives me a puzzled look and says "huh?"
*Goddamnit now i have to repeat this awful joke.* "They hurt when they...uh...come out..."
He looks at me blank faced, "???"
"Ya know like after you eat them and then they...uh....come out"
"Come out of what?"
*please don't make me explain this* "The other end. They hurt coming out the other end."
He finally got it and then without laughing or even smiling he just says "oh..."
Words cant really describe how painfully awkward this was.
Inhesion: There are 2 possibilties: 1. He doesn't get/enjoy toilet humour. or 2. He did that on purpose to test your ability on handling awkward/uncomfortable situations.
Either way, no more shitty jokes in future job interviews. Okay?
TheHumanGuitarman: Ok
alexdudemandude: thanks dad.
machinegun55: That's how I just read that. Now /u/thehumanguitarman how was school today?
| 5 | 41.4 | |
1401785524 | 1402015819 | t3_276rbu | t5_2to41 | 3,992 | Kingtoke1: TIFU By not reading my junk mail
So about a month and a half ago. i for fun entered a competition on the Playstation Facebook page.
on friday i was randomly reading through my junk mail address - that i use only for crap. which unfortunately includes facebook.
Thanks for entering our competition on the PlayStation UK Facebook page.
> Congratulations! You have been selected as a winner for a pair of FIFA™ World Cup Brazil Tickets to the England vs Uruguay Match in Sao Paulo.
>
> Prize includes:
> Return flights from London Heathrow Airport to Sao Paulo International Airport, Brazil, outbound on 17 June 2014 at 22:15 (BST) and inbound on 21 June 2014 at 23:50 (UTC) (flights may not be direct and flight times could change)
> 3 nights stay in a hotel in Sao Paolo, including breakfast
> Return transport from the hotel on the dates of inbound and outbound flights
> 1 pair of tickets to the England vs Uruguay Match in Sao Paulo, including return transport from the hotel to the match on Thursday 19 June 2014.
> A full itinerary will follow.
a day later they followed up with
>
> Hi,
>
> We did require this information at 6pm today but we have managed to get an extension until 9.15am 28th April 2014.
>
> Unfortunately if we do no have the details by then, we will have to offer the prize to a runner up.
>
> Kind Regards
>
> Sian Anderton
> PlayStation Access Community Manager
i had missed it by a month :-(
edit - thanks for gold!
also
proof
http://www.playstation.com/en-gb/legal/general-rules-for-prize-promotions
https://twitter.com/PlayStationUK/status/456828816426422272
Sian Anderton
PlayStation Access Community Manager
Follow: @PSAccess | Like: fb.com/PlayStationAccess | Play: PSN pheonix_b
Sony Computer Entertainment UK Limited
http://eu.playstation.com
JBauer24: Look at the bright side, it was only a soccer game. If this was Super Bowl tickets or something like that it would definitely be a major fuck-up. If anything, you should be thankful that you don't have to sit through an incredibly boring soccer game.
babylobster: Trolol
JBauer24: Yeah, hating soccer is trolling now?
babylobster: Lol super bowl is every year in a shitty stadium. The world cup is every 4 years and in a new country with brand new stadiums. They play about 12 matches in just the cup, while a whole American football season is 16 games lol. There is no comparison to which sporting event is more prestigious or celebrated. Your comparing a game of nations to one of the Philadelphia Eagles against some other city with a stupid mascot. So yes, it's either ur not fully aware how dumb u sound or ur a troll.
JBauer24: The most popular sport in the wealthiest most powerful nation in the world. I'm not sure how you can say that the brand new football stadium the Super Bowl was just played in is "shitty" or how you can say soccer is anything more than a bunch of idiots chasing after a ball for 90 minutes.
babylobster: There's point inflation to keep your attention since seeing low scores gives you guys anxiety. You play 16 games a year... there is 12 minutes of actual live ball action thro out the whole game. Your teams are associated with stupid ass animals and flashy colors. And then a good number of ur athletes aren't even fucking sane / healthy after they get out, some players taking their lives proving that point RIP Seau. You're providing no fucking explanation as to why u think football sucks, now American football I just gave u some details
JBauer24: What you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this thread is now dumber for having seen it. I award you 1 downvote, and may God have mercy on your soul.
babylobster: It's cool your beloved sport is viewed as a joke in the world. Watch a rugby game put a NFL match to shame. I don't think I need anymore evidence demonstrating why no other country really picks up such a foolish sport. Go put on double digits in padding and a helmet to grope eachother in 20 second intervals. You have no argument other then ur not entertained by real football. Trolol
JBauer24: It is the most popular sport in the wealthiest, most powerful nation in the world. Nothing more needs to be said. Though, obviously you are ignorant of the significant progress being made in Europe regarding real football, and that includes the [NFL International Series] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NFL_International_Series) in which every year regular season NFL games are played at Wembley Stadium in London. They sell out. This wouldn't happen if the sport was unpopular over there. I understand that you are jealous of real football and it's popularity in the one country that matters.
babylobster: Lol American football thinking it's superior just because it's american. Talk about arrogance. It's your ignorant comment that began this whole shit. I thought this guy is either ignorant as fuck or a troll. You once again seem to provide no real evidence as to why ur adored sport is better you just say America is mos
t wealthiest and popular sport means it's best... sorry you're wrong.
>It is the most popular sport in the wealthiest, most powerful nation in the world. Nothing more needs to be said.
JBauer24: Sorry, didn't read your comment. Thus far you have contributed nothing more than thoughtless rants about a shitty sport.
babylobster: You're right I have been writing only about a shitty sport :D finally u understand. I'm glad you recognize this and that you can't come to up with a solid reason. Just be happy no one else saw this lol.
JBauer24: Username tagged, ignored comment again. I bet that is pissing you off haha. Real football>soccer
| 14 | 285.142857 | |
1401799988 | 1401801474 | t3_27743w | t5_2to41 | 3 | Okuu-Trollzy: TIFU by bringing my girlfriend's panties to school.
So last night, nobody was home and the girlfriend and we decided to start getting hot and heavy. During our activity, however, we heard a car pull up, so, not really thinking, I toss her panties into my empty laptop bag. Fast forward to this morning, I waltz into study hall and open up my laptop bag to get studying, and guess what the red, lacy ball of fabric was that I saw lying next to my mouse. So, I had brought my girlfriend's panties to school and now I have to be super careful or else a whole class is going to get a good look at what kind of panties my girlfriend wears.
cumberlandblues: They will just think you wear panties. It's no big deal
Okuu-Trollzy: So either I'm a crossdresser or a pervert. Hmm...
Guinness2702: Why choose? You can be both if you want.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1401801064 | 1401917499 | t3_2775h6 | t5_2to41 | 181 | Ragnar_OK: TIFU by telling someone off
So there I was at my job, on my computer, trying to ignore my coworkers and focus on my work, when somebody comes up behind me and looks at my monitor over my shoulder.
I was only vaguely aware someone was behind me, but I was too concentrated on my screen to register who it was. After a few seconds, I hear a voice:
> "Hey, Ragnar, what are you doing?"
Without thinking I blurt out (in a pretty sarcastic tone, too):
> "Well, *I*'m minding my own business. How 'bout you?"
He gave a nervous chuckle and said "What?", probably to give me a bit of time to peel away from my computer and look behind me to see who it was. Still concentrating on my screen, I muttered under my breath (but still loudly enough to be heard):
> "You heard me."
I hear an "... OK" and then footsteps, which finally prompted me to turn around and look to see who it was. It was the owner of company.
*Fuck.*
EDIT: You can get away with making those sorts of comments with coworkers you get to know. Work for 8-9 hours a day, 5 days a week for a few years with people and you get to know each other, even become friends. You can crack stupid jokes and make mean comments to people, and more often than not, they'll just throw the same types of comments back at you and that'll be that. No hurt feelings, no offended "interns" (we don't even have interns at my company) or coworkers. It's office banter, and it happens ***literally everywhere***. I get along with most of my coworkers, who make the same types of comments and nobody gets hurt in any way.
breakingmad1: Regardless of who it is, why do you think its acceptable to speak to people like that?
Ragnar_OK: I don't necessarily think it's *acceptable* to speak to people like that, but when you're somewhat friendly with coworkers, you can get away with it. Office banter.
That being said, I do have 2 extremely annoying coworkers who constantly get on my nerves and interrupt me (and not only me) with inane bullshit, who basically can't seem to take a hint.
I don't know what your job is, and I don't mean to presume, but that shit gets old **very** quickly.
[deleted]: >but when you're somewhat friendly with coworkers
I've never been so friendly with coworkers that I felt I could basically tell them to go fuck off and then follow up to ensure they knew I was not, in fact, kidding around.
How "friendly" are you with your coworkers? Do they invite you to things? BBQs? Happy hours? Have you met their families?
Or by "friendly" do they know to take your shitty attitude in good humor, you're just "that guy" that everyone knows to give a wide berth?
Charlie_Northgate: In similar situations, I've told a coworker that a wrench to the face would do them some good, that he looked like some sort of midget lesbian troll and to come back after he grew a few inches, or what orifice was going to violated with a crowbar, or simply "fuck off" followed by various names such as "Fagbert" or simply "Idiot"...
We had a special relationship though. Jus' saying' work doesn't have to be all tight collars and seriousness.
Ragnar_OK: That's basically my experience as well. I've worked in 3 office environments in my career, and after enough time passed, and I got to know my coworkers quite well (after all, these are people you spend 8 hours a day with, 5 days a week, there's no way you don't get to know people better), and they me, we could afford to make those types of comments with each other.
Well, maybe not call each other "fagbert" or "idiot", but sarcastic comments and dumb jokes and telling each other off without having feelings hurt.
Charlie_Northgate: He loved "Fagbert". We were both would make insulting plays on each others names, that one stuck. Sometimes he'd even complain when it had been a while since I called him that. He was a semi-closeted bi-guy with some serious identity issues, in a traditionally "manly" field of work, and I think he liked that I could joke with him about it without actually judging him. "Idiot" was just when he was being an idiot...
| 7 | 25.857143 | |
1401802848 | 1401932663 | t3_2777z9 | t5_2to41 | 143 | [deleted]: TIFU by cutting some lady off in traffic
Okay, so i'm an asshole. I cut off this lady in traffic because of what ever reason. I'd say it was about a 6/10 on how bad I cut her off. So not that bad, but I could tell she was pissed. So after I cut in front of her, I see her cut over lanes and start trying to pass me. Whatever. That's fine, I don't want any road rage or anything so I slow down and let her pass.
As she passes me she kinda slows down and I can tell she's staring at me. But i'm not looking. I just keep looking straight ahead. So then she does what any angry person would do, she goes to cut me off. Well there is a car in front of me already and it will be a tight squeeze for her to fit in between me and the car in front of me. But I can tell that she's going to cut me off, so I start braking early. As soon as I see her cross the line I lock up my brakes. I'm trying to get as far away from her as possible... So she cuts over and immediately slams into the person that was in front of me. Like CRUNCH. At 80 mph (~129 KPH) she completely destroys the car in front of her. They both start sliding off the road into the grass. I was going to stop and call an ambulance, but it didn't look too bad. Like 5/10 on the accident. I just kept driving. But I feel bad. Cause I kinda caused that accident by making that lady angry.
z-j: Good story bro. Like 7/10 on the road rage stories
tempur6a7zi: solid comment 8/10
octavesemitone: that's 80%
Nerdsofafeather: that's a 10/10 ratio to percent conversation.
sagittarime: That's a 0/10 knowing the difference between conversion and conversation.
daniyaalz: That's 10/10 hilarious. Made my fucking day.
| 7 | 20.428571 | |
1401802614 | 1401820366 | t3_2777no | t5_2to41 | 8 | CONSCIOUS_BEING: TIFU by raging and shaking my laptop.
Well, ever since I downloaded Kaspersky sky, my computer has been coming up with this blue error message every time it turns on. It suggests I uninstall and reinstall any newly added software or w/e, but fuck that shit. Some how between restarting it 6 times or rebooting in safe mode I was able to just browse the internet in peace/have a functioning computer. As of 10 minutes ago how ever, that has changed. It happened again, the blue screen of misery. I raged. Due to lack of sleep, and other things in my life, I picked up my laptop by the base, and gave it thee ol' reign whip. Straight back, and FORWARD. The pics show the damage, my screen is now leaning on its original mounts between the base and the mount.
aftermath.
[Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/tRSPbmD) - fuck
[Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/CL5mTJH) - my life
[Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/2Jcm361) - how it's propped up
WPBDoc: Having a bit of trouble working up a lot of sympathy for you.
CONSCIOUS_BEING: I don't need your sympathy. I'm just sharing my fuck up.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1401802745 | 1401828058 | t3_2777v3 | t5_2to41 | 199 | adamh909: TIFU by supporting a coworker through a divorce...
So for the past few years I have been working along coworker A. Coworker A has been going through a pretty rough divorce, and talking to me about it, telling me some the nasty things she was saying and doing to him. I did my best to support A.
A decides to take a much needed few days off, so I go to work with Coworker B. He asks me "So how is that guy doing lately without his wife?" I respond with "Hes better off without the bitch." This is followed by a mouth open akward stare from B. This is the time I learned he was referring to coworker C, who just lost his wife in a motorcycle accident. I apologized repeatedly and felt terrible all day.
TLDR: called a recently deceased woman a bitch.
MisterMeiji: That reminds me of a funny interaction I had once. My first wife (in her 30's) came down with pneumonia, which ultimately proved to be fatal. After her death, I took a month off work to recuperate. When I came back, most of my coworkers were very supportive... except one. Apparently he didn't get the news that she had passed on. So one day I was standing at the urinal taking a leak, and he comes in to use the other urinal. Breaking one of the cardinal rules of urinal use, he strikes up a conversation. "So how is your wife doing?" "Oh, didn't you hear, she died a month ago." The look on his face was priceless as he slinked out of the bathroom without even washing his hands. We had a good laugh about it later on.
jay212127: I enjoyed the story... Thanks for sharing
| 3 | 66.333333 | |
1401806090 | 1401829529 | t3_277cra | t5_2to41 | 14 | dick_in_guise: TIFU by not telling you that you were gorgeous.
just happened this morning on the D line in nyc.
your hair was brown, long and straight; your eyes were smokey and engaging. lips were soft and full, and all i could do was think about how magnificent it would be to kiss you. you were wearing a black see-through long dress with a black mini skirt(?) underneath, black sandals and red toe nails. you were reading a book and it was making you laugh, your smile was breathtaking. when you caught me looking our eyes met, i'm sure i blushed and you smiled at me and i smiled back. i should have just walked over to you but then i saw it. the one thing i had feared the most, the one thing that fate seems to keep hurling at me every chance it gets. you were wearing a ring, and that shattering feeling of sadness came with it. for a bit i was optimistic, hoping that it was just something you were wearing considering there was no stone attached, but my judgement got the better of me and i got off the train. you were maddening, and im sorry i didn't introduce myself.
tl;dr she was a 10 and i'm a dud.
_Monster: By skimming over the TL; DR, I read it as "She was 10" And at first I was like WTF, DUDE! I guess I'm not totally awake yet.
Voyager5555: I'm awake and did the exact same thing...
mythrowawayresponse: yeah went from creepy to pedo in a blink of an eye here too...
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1401801019 | 1401830495 | t3_2775ez | t5_2to41 | 118 | sanddobby: TIFU by sleeping through my friend's surprise visit
Happened last week but whatever.
I recently moved to a new city where I don't know anyone, for a new job that is extremely emotionally challenging. I've been having a really hard time so a very good friend who I'd been missing quite a lot decided to come surprise me with a visit. He had been asking me a lot about my schedule over the next couple of days, and also been pretty insistent that I be around to pick up the phone around 12:30 am to "help him stay awake on his way home," so I kind of had an idea that a surprise visit could be a possibility...though I didn't want to get too invested in the idea in case I was wrong.
Around 9:30, he gets on a plane home from the business trip he's been on, or so he says (the plane is actually headed to my city), after texting me quite a bit and making sure I know that I need to pick up the phone when he lands around 12:30. However, I am running on about 3 hours of sleep, so after I double check that my phone is at full volume, I lie down for what I hope will just be a minute or two.
6 hours later, at 3:30 am, I wake up to 36 missed calls. My friend had landed, gotten a cab to my building, buzzed my apartment several times, was let in by a stranger, made it up to my apartment, and banged on my door, all the while calling me, and I slept through the entire thing. Eventually he gave up and got a room in a super shitty hotel nearby. By the time I woke up and called him back he was pretty pissed at me, considering we could have been snuggling etc (yep, that kind of friend) at my place had I just woken up when I was supposed to.
The rest of our visit was awesome but I still feel crappy about it, and I don't think he's ever going to let me live it down.
tldr: Friend-with-benefits surprises me with a lovely visit, I sleep through it and exile him to a gross motel. Whomp whomp.
Masamune_X: Your friend seems like he's interested in being more than friends to go to that much trouble to surprise you.
You seem pretty oblivious to what's going on, because the writing's on the wall the way you describe what he was saying leading up to the visit.
You both seem like idiots.
sanddobby: You're definitely right about me being an idiot lol. But he and I have been through the whole more than friends thing and decided together that long distance is not something we wanted to do after I moved. So that's not what makes us idiots in this particular instance :)
canihaveabanana: Classy response to an offensive and assumptive comment. :)
octavesemitone: not classy, but funny
| 5 | 23.6 | |
1401810575 | 1401812520 | t3_277jze | t5_2to41 | 49 | rmbg: TIFU, because fridge.
Has anyone else spaced out so bad, that a lot of time passed like it was nothing? Let me sing you the song of my afternoon:
Had an important meeting this afternoon, so all I did this morning was crunch numbers and prepare a nice keynote. Since I was uber hungry and had roughly 15 minutes before the client arrived, I figured it was enough to go to the office's kitchen and grab a bite. Took my meal out of the fridge, into the plate, and then: instead of putting it in the microwave, I put the plate back in the fridge, and sit comfortably waiting for the microwave to "beep". Well it certainly didn't happen, and over an hour passed before I realized WFT I had just done!!!
I ran to the meeting room, and the client was already gone, my phone had over 10 missed calls (left it at my desk) and all of my coworkers were like "meh". JUst came from a talk with my boss, and most likely we'll lose that client's account over this.
TL;DR: Put food in the fridge instead of microwave, spaced out for an hour, and will lose a client over it.
Teotwawki69: How the hell do you wait for a microwave for one hour without noticing that it's not on? And how does nobody manage to find you for an important meeting?
That client was probably absolutely right to pull their account.
GringoJones: I just imagine the client asking more probing questions later on about what happened and why the meeting was blown off completely, and the answer is:
"Oh, your representative spent an hour staring blankly at a fridge."
| 3 | 16.333333 | |
1401813027 | 1401849644 | t3_277o8x | t5_2to41 | 7 | youtbuddcody: TIFU by assaulting two of my bosses at the same time
I'm a server at a restaurant and I was coming back from running food to a table. I was returning to the expo line (the line where you collect the food to run it out to the tables) and my manager and the kitchen manager were talking in front of the entryway. The tray I was holding is large and heavy; I held it up high above our heads so I could inch by them. Note: We we're in a rush and it's typical for us to slide past each other.
Anyways, when I raised my tray it hit a light fixture on the wall. That made me lose my balance and I threw the tray at them and slammed it hard on both of their faces. I grabbed the tray as fast as I could, and held it on their face while trying to get a good grip on it. I grinned in embarrassment as I grabbed the tray while apologizing profusely. I continued on into the expo when the kitchen manager yelled, "I'm glad you find this funny."
I had a good rest of the shift and they seemed to [hopefully] forget what happened. I felt kind of bad because that tray was kind of heavy.
**tl;dr** I played whack-a-mole with my bosses and they lost.
mythrowawayresponse: next time yell this on approach:
**MAKE A HOLE**
... if they got time to lean, they've got time to clean ;)
BartendDoll: Omg I love this. My favorite thing to do is take little manager "sayings" and throwing them right back!
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1401816211 | 1401818669 | t3_277tpv | t5_2to41 | 8 | Silviere: TIFU by improperly locking the unisex bathroom behind me at my new job.
I actually locked it (correctly) then thought, "No, that's not right," and then "fixed" it, actually unlocking it in the process. A member of the opposite sex walked in on me soon after and the scene was unholy for both parties.
Guess it's time to quit, if I don't die of embarrassment, first.
mythrowawayresponse: **PRO-TIP:** Always check by pulling/pushing the door - this will let you know if it's really locked regardless of what it may appear to be.
Silviere: I got into trouble because opening the handle from the inside will open the lock regardless of whether or not the lock is engaged. I just...totally blanked on the right direction of the lock. Like an idiot.
mythrowawayresponse: ah...
| 4 | 2 | |
1401811297 | 1401869005 | t3_277l8g | t5_2to41 | 17 | TrumanEck: TIFU by engaging in a sword fight
This event took place just over a month ago and started with a great night out with some friends. Ridiculous amounts of fine Danish bitters liquor later, the club we were at closed and the four of us decided to head over to my flat for a few more drinks. The night was way to awesome to end and to everyones delight the only drinks I had at home were whisky and champagne.
The atmosphere became rather regal and a friend, whom we can call W, with a common interest in fencing proposed we should practice some for show. I handed a sword to W and reached for an épée (a sword with a blunt point used in fencing) for myself. We have done this many times before while both sober and not so sober, so I did not think twice about assuming the fencing position and proceed with the "duel". After a few lunges and parries, I see my chance, literally jump in for the kill and manage to hit W on the upper arm. I was so high on adrenaline that I had not hesitated a second at throwing myself at W. Just as I was going to say something demeaning about W's lack of skill, I notice all my friends stiffen up and go pale. W starts stuttering out that he is sorry and right at that moment I look down. My entire shirt is quickly turning a deep red. In a nearby mirror I can see that there is a wide hole on the front right side of my throat and that blood is absolutely everywhere. I had not noticed it before, but the sword I had given W was an 1850's cavalry sabre. A sabre I had sharpened to cut limes with a few years prior (a story for another time). Any sane person would have made sure the opponent used a blunt épée like myself. Almost the last fuck up of my life.
It would turn out that W had pierced my throat 2 inches deep from the side, just in front of my windpipe and missed all the blood vessels in so much as there was only a slight cut to a vein and a sliced thyroid. It required some surgery though and now I sport a 4 inch scar across my throat.
The eerie thing is that I managed to stay completely calm during the whole event and did not feel a thing. My friends were in various states of shock with one of them performing the whole"stay awake, do not die on me" routine. At the time I found it hilarious, but now I'm starting to grasp what happened in a more serious way. To my friends it must have seemed like I was sure to leave this world.
TL;DR Partying hard, handing my friend a sabre and practically impaling myself on it.
agentbarron: So i'd assume you lost?
MorbidMongoose: Technically, he won. Sabre requires you to have 'right of way'; essentially, you need to be both attacking and in control of the situation to score a point. Epee does not have this requirement. Although they both scored a hit, OP was attacking and thus got the point. Although he almost died in the process, so I don't know how much of a consolation that would be.
TrumanEck: Well, I have to give it to my friend. He drew first blood. Old school rules apply.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1401817700 | 1401851602 | t3_277w88 | t5_2to41 | 6 | Beasty_Billy: TIFU by reading ratemyteacher and telling my friends.
This happened over the last couple of months.
First, I should say I'm totally in the wrong here and I know that. But I'm very dedicated towards the music at my school and I feel terrible about it. I was a total ass. Now the story.
I was looking my teachers up on ratemyteacher.com and came across reviews of my new band director, and they were less than favorable (untrue stories of throwing chairs and such.) Being a stupid teenager as I am, I told my friends, and had a laugh about it. I'm an idiot.
Today I was approached by my director, saying that some students had asked about the things in the reviews, saying I told them about it. I was dumbstruck. I couldn't apologize enough. I said that it was stupid and wrong, but I feel like I've ruined my reputation among the directors now and won't seem like a respectable student. I don't know what to do...
TL;DR: Don't spread rumors about your teachers. Don't be an idiot.
mythrowawayresponse: so you read a review that someone else made; laughed and shared it with your friends and got hassled over it? yeah typical band teacher.
Beasty_Billy: That's what I thought, but I didn't want to put up a fight and seem disrespectful.
| 3 | 2 | |
1401819650 | 1401820398 | t3_277zla | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU and I can't get it off my mind
Some background info - I'm a senior in high school and am graduating in two days. So there's this girl in my school, absolutely beautiful. Prettiest girl in the whole school, in my opinion. Anyways, after a lot of thought, and i mean a LOT(I couldn't stop thinking about her), I decided I would find her today and ask if I could take her to dinner this weekend. I don't lack the confidence, I'm not nervous about asking, but I don't know anything about her besides her name and what she looks like. Well fast forward to this morning, I decide to head off to school earlier than most days to see if I could find her. After searching for a while and not being able to find her, the bell rings and I head off to class. Well, as I'm walking to class I make sure to keep my eyes open and look around. I look behind me, to side, and back forward and lo and behold, there she is walking up the stairs. I was pretty far away from her and had to quickly decide whether to run(literally) after her or head off to class. I chose to go to class. I'm so fucking mad at myself that it's unbelievable. I had the chance and I fucked it up. Whatever, tomorrow's the last day before graduation day. I'll do it then. To make sure that doesn't happen again I've come up with a plan to have my cousin contact her via instagram and tell her to meet me somewhere. I don't have an account so that's why I'm having my cousin, who is pretty popular, ask for me. To be honest, I don't even give a shit if she rejects me or tells me she has a boyfriend. I just NEED to ask or I know i'll regret not doing it for a very long time.
I just needed somewhere to get this off my chest.
Thanks for reading.
[deleted]: Good luck mate, let us know what happens.
420CocaineDealer: thanks man
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1401815422 | 1401829902 | t3_277se6 | t5_2to41 | 2 | fateofmorality: TIFU by popping a pimple on my girlfriend
My girlfriend was over at my place doing homework. While she was doing this, I was playing a badass game of Europa Universalis as Castile, and just about to take over Aragon. They recently attacked my vassal, so I had to protect my little brother so to speak.
As their town as under siege I put the game in slow mode, and jumped in bed next to my girl, she was watching a movie relevant to her material. Something French, I don't know, but in the movie he wen't to Barcelona. Which is ironic, as I just finished my siege on it.
I had a big pimple on my chin the entire day and tend to have a nasty problem playing with acne. I squeezed it a little and SPLOOSH, it exploded. Like arrows raining down onto Valencia, the powerful projectile hit its target: My girlfriend cheek.
She didn't notice, however, and continued watching the movie. I was mortified, I didn't know what to do. "What would I do in Europa?" I thought. Answer was obvious, remove it by force. I pinned her down and started making out with her with all the power I had, knocked her head to the side, and moved my face across hers, wiping up my face juice with my cheek. I bit her neck, got up, went back to my game.
My siege failed while I was gone, which pissed me off. And my girlfriend was pissed, because I teased her and then stopped. But I couldn't continue, my embarrassment was too great from premature popping on her face.
mythrowawayresponse: hrm, only you knew about it and it only affected you... this submission has been DQ'd as a FU.
fateofmorality: A fuck up can only affect one person, like dick in the fan man!
mythrowawayresponse: Sure and that's well understood... but that's **getting** fucked up... you did not get fucked up...
fateofmorality: Ah, but as the name of this thread is. "Today I fucked up" - TIFU. Not "Today I Got Fucked Up" - TIGFU
mythrowawayresponse: yes... that's the thing **there is no fuck up neo...**
* she didn't notice it
* only you noticed it
* no one got hurt
* no one's life was altered
* no one cried
* no repercussions
... this was just a weird story about a princess he found in his castle.
fateofmorality: But Morpheus, I did fuck up, since I know I fucked up. And got disgusting face jizz all over my face. But don't worry, I'll tell her next time to bullet time out of the way.
| 7 | 0.285714 | |
1401820894 | 1401862967 | t3_2781qg | t5_2to41 | 3,120 | Prospekt01: TIFU By surprising her in the shower.
This didn't actually happen today but a little while ago while we still lived in our apartment.
My girlfriend was in the shower and I decided it would be a good idea to sneak into the bathroom and peek around the curtain and surprise her a little. I grabbed the shower curtain while she was facing away and wrapped it around myself in such a way that only my head was showing and I put on a ridiculous grin.
As it turns out my GF has a legit fear of being murdered in the shower. When she turned around as I was trying my best not to giggle like a little girl, she let just stared at me like this O_O for a FULL second before she let out the most earth shattering scream I have ever heard in my life. This was my "oh shit" moment and I started to pull back away from the curtain, but not before she unleashed the fist of fucking god on me. She let loose a right hook that went through the shower curtain and ripped it off the hooks and hit me right in the face. Turns out she is strong enough to give me a black eye when she feels her life is in danger. That was fun to explain to my *all male* workplace that my GF beat the shit out of me in one hit.
**Tl;dr**: GF thought I was a murderer and gave me a black eye.
**Edit:** A few people have asked what happened afterwards and I'm afraid its nothing too exciting. So after I got bopped in the face she immediately started to cry and I can't blame her. I don't think she realized how hard she had managed to hit me at first as I was kind of ignoring it desperately apologizing to her. Nothing feels worse than when you legit scare the fuck out of your SO and it ends badly. After the tears were wiped away we both had a good laugh about hard she managed to hit me. I think she was even proud of herself.
**Edit 2:** [Link to /u/BlessingOfChaos' story](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/279tsk/tifu_by_punching_my_girlfriend_whilst_in_the/)
Edgetiger: I imagine you channeling [Læffy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jp1yclQXd1Q) when you peeked around the corner.
Prospekt01: Now that I have wiped away the tears. How have I never seen that before.
Edit: I watched it again. And laughed again. Have a coin!
CheckOutTheEmpties: Possibly the best thing I have seen on REDDIT!
[deleted]: Are we ending all of our sentences with CAPITALS?
goatcoat: I have a bad feeling about THIS.
sodax: I'm comin' over, but it never was enough. I thought it through and my worst brings out the best in YOU.
Leavemymarc: The capitalization at the end makes it seem like we're all throwing a fist of GOD.
_grandpa_simpson: Am I doing this RIGHT?
CyberFreq: C-C-C-OMBO breaker!
DonickaLewinsky: Killer instinct reference?! UPVOTED...
| 11 | 283.636364 | |
1401795415 | 1401858387 | t3_276z9y | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting I registered for a class
It's that textbook anxiety nightmare I've had before...except it's real. We're halfway through the semester at my school and I just realized I never realized I signed up for a 2 credit class...I have 7 different courses this semester and it wasn't one I wanted in the first place, so it must have slipped my mind. I only came to realize my mistake when I saw the professor email everyone about the midterm. At first I thought it was a mistake, but when I checked my course list, the reality set in.
I don't know how the fuck I missed it, considering I've looked at the course list multiple times to check the location for my other classes. FUCK. The midterm is later this week, so you'd think it could still be salvageable...EXCEPT my department has a policy that you have to attend 2/3 of your classes to pass a course and 1/2 has passed already. FUCK. E-mailed the professor but I don't have much hope. I really need fill the credits to graduate.
AngelOfDoom: Is the class a prerequisite for anything? If it's just a random two credit hour class that you're taking solely for the credit hours, just drop it for this semester and register for it or a similar course in the fall. Two credit hours is a bit of work, but not really all that much unless your schedule is already packed.
strongzero: Nope, but my university doesn't allow drops past the third week or so. But it all worked out in the end. My professor said she doesn't take attendance so all I have to do now is pass the midterm somehow.
GLaMSDOS: You can't drop the class at all? At most universities if you drop the class after the first couple of weeks it just remains on your transcript as a withdrawal (without a mark). Usually then there is some deadline you have to withdrawal before or you face academic penalty (e.g., the withdrawal becomes a withdrawal-fail).
I sorta feel like at least if you explained the situation to the admin you could get it fixed. If the professor can confirm you have never attended class, and never did any of the course work, then it was indeed a registration error.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1401821324 | 1401847864 | t3_2782hf | t5_2to41 | 85 | boomatog: TIFU By getting peed on by my neighbor
My first floor window is next to a two story house.
New neighbors moved in 4 months ago.
Once or twice a day I hear what sounds like a small water spout pour on the ground for around 30 seconds outside of my window.
I want to know what it is, but every time I run outside to see what it is it has already stopped.
One day when I am taking out the trash, it starts. I see a long stream of CLEAR water coming from the second story but a tree-branch is obstructing the source.
I hop the small fence into his yard to investigate.
As soon as I get closer I see a small penis in the second story window.
I lock eyes with my neighbor.
He freaks out and gets some on my arm and face.
I take a shower, post this on reddit.
2/10 would not investigate again.
MrAlarming: Why the fuck was he pissing out of a fucking window?
thattianagirl: My ex used to if he really had to pee but the bathroom was occupied.
mythrowawayresponse: that's what water bottles are for...
thattianagirl: Yeah I never really understood the logic but whatever.
mythrowawayresponse: [related if you haven't seen it yet... ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hM6PL9mwRfc)
YourMajest1: That's a very misleading video title.
| 7 | 12.142857 |
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