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1401824748 | 1401908721 | t3_2788fz | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by trusting a fart.
kinda_alone: This is being removed due to the temporary ban on shitting myself stories.
soren_grey: Oh, sorry, I missed that.
kinda_alone: No worries, you missed the deadline by a day. Feel free to repost this when/if the ban ends.
soren_grey: Thanks, I will!
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1401822305 | 1401861346 | t3_27847l | t5_2to41 | 67 | Vanthis1396: TIFU and showed a fellow classmate my boyfriends dick
TIFU...I haven't gotten my textbook yet for my class so I took a picture of the pages. Well, I forgot that I kept a few lovely pictures of my boyfriend's dick. So, I offered to let another classmate read the pages off my ipad, He was wondering if i had another page in the book...scroll to the left...and BAM. dick. It was terrible...i was so embarrassed...
BTW: I am a female lol.
MatTHFC: And that's why you never send nudes over the Internet.
ThickTriscuit: I always send them by mail
Nerdsofafeather: I send them by telegram.
trireme32: I send them by carrier pigeon.
YouDoneMessedUpAAron: I send them by smoke signals.
Captbakedtater: I send them by Morse code.
LOOKS_LIKE_A_PEN1S: [Petroglyphs.](http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/bronze-age-petroglyphs-depict-graphic-sex-article-1.1268351) I win.
Anoneemus3: I bet you were just waiting to pull that one out
| 9 | 7.444444 | |
1401806525 | 1401890520 | t3_277dfk | t5_2to41 | 3 | coriacea: TIFU by being depressed, so didn't revise as much as I should've
Well it wasn't today ... it was any specific day, it was pretty much every day of April.
I've had a rough time. I've been through a whole load of crap and have ended up very depressed at points. Since September, university is the only thing going right for me.
In May I had 7 exams. And we had pretty much the whole of April to revise. But a lot of days I was too depressed to be bothered to revise. But at the same time was nearly suicidal at the thought of failing and having absolutely nothing going right in my life. The day before an IT exam I was at the library practicing using the programmes we could be tested on. I literally couldn't get this programme which is basically a complicated version of Excel to make a graph of my data. And none of the online help things would work. And the techies in the library weren't familiar with the programme. If it wasn't for a friend randomly seeing me and trying to help, I possibly would've felt suicidal that evening.
We get results whenever they're marked and have been uploaded to the university website. Up until today, I'd had 5/7 results back and done as good as, if not better than expected in them. So far I had all the results back for 4/6 of my units and got 2:1s or 1sts in them all.
And then today I received another result. And I got 43% in the exam (still a pass) and thus 54% overall for the unit. That unit is probably going to be my worst one and I was going to do an entire degree for that specific thing! But if it's not my worst unit, I dunno if I'll feel better or worse because if I do worse in the final unit, that means I will have fluffed up my chemistry exam (only mark I'm waiting on at the moment) and chemistry was my best science at school and it means that I'll have another unit at a 2:2 or 3rd classification. Luckily this is only my first year, so all I need to do is pass. But that mark will still be on my transcript for employers to see. And it was the unit I wanted to do best on.
I hate myself. I'm managing to almost ruin the one thing going right in my life.
TeaWhale: It seems like your grading system is a bit different than what I had, but I doubt your employers are going to really look at your transcripts. I know mine never did. That being said, any mar on your transcript can be easily overcome with subsequent good work and a good job interview. And once you have one or two jobs out of school, no one is interested in how you did in school. They are interested in your work history.
Most importantly, get yourself some help. Most campuses have people available to talk to, and if you feel suicidal, call a hotline or the police immediately. You absolutely can and will get through this period in your life, but you have to take care of yourself to do so.
Sorry to be long-winded, but I couldn't let you beat yourself up for this. Depression isn't your fault.
coriacea: Luckily we do a very similar (but slightly more advanced) unit next year. So hopefully I'll do better on that.
I've been to counselling. It just increased my anxieties and made me lose more hope.
I don't want to die. It just seems to be the only way to end my misery some days. And the more I lose hope, the more it seems as if I'm just dragging things out. I was pretty much suicidal at Christmas. Some days since then it doesn't seem having lived through that night.
I have some friends and they know I haven't been feeling great. I'm sure they'd talk to me more and talk tonight (I exchanged messages with one a few times this afternoon) if they knew how bad I felt. But I don't want to put too much pressure on them and freak them out.
TeaWhale: Just make sure you take care of yourself. Ask for as much help as you need. And don't rule out seeking medication, at least for a time. Some people see taking medication for depression as some kind of weakness, but that's ridiculous. If you had an infection you wouldn't feel like you were "weak" for taking antibiotics, and if you had diabetes you wouldn't be "weak" for taking insulin. If you're depression is getting in the way of achieving your goals, find a way to kick it to the curb so you can be your best self and feel better!
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1401827031 | 1401828148 | t3_278ck9 | t5_2to41 | 13 | Roxtrongo: TIFU: By talking to much in an interview
This Just happened...
So I have just finished a job interview as a summer student with City Hall in the IT division. The interview seemed to be going really well and I had an answer for all of the questions being asked. All my answers were to the point. However, the silence after my answers where they were writing my responses down started to make me nervous, as I usually am pretty nervous in job interviews, but I'm still doing well.
Last question time, the interviewer (at this point I should mention that the panel consists of 1 person from HR, and two from the IT department, the manager and one of the staff) asks me what is my favorite browser, after a moments thought I reply "Chrome" and am asked why this is my choice. I make a few comments about why this is the case and end my statement. Now for the screw up. I can't deal with being nervous anymore so I keep talking and end up mentioning how I really like the incognito mode that is available in Chrome. ( I should also mention that I am currently finishing my college practicum in the IT department there so I know the two IT people pretty well) Both the IT people start laughing at me, and I realize that they probably think I am watching porn and having a quick fap on company time.
TLDR; may have just screwed myself out of a summer placement.
blunt_bedpan: Nah, they laughed, it's all good, they'll just have something to wind you up with.
Keep us updated though.
Roxtrongo: Will do..
I will let everyone know how it goes as soon as HR makes their decision
I am laughing at myself now. I am pretty sure those little pauses after a question are meant to cause an awkward silence where an applicant will shoot themselves in the foot. Yay me lol.
But the office is full of really good people so it'll be a laugh for a while i'm sure.
mythrowawayresponse: Good luck! Chances are you are fine - most employers want to make sure you will fit in with the rest of the group... if you made folks laugh that's a plus.
**WORLD'S BIGGEST SECRET**: Your neighbors will hate you:
... everyone faps or shlicks.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1401826895 | 1401900251 | t3_278cce | t5_2to41 | 14 | CrazyMe333: TIFU By letting my kid play with my phone
I have a few games on my phone for my 6 year old son. So, today while the kid was playing my husband sent me a slightly naughty text. I have recently letting my son text his grandparents and dad to practice his spelling. Naturally my son opens and reads the text about me saying i want to lick his daddy's butt hole. I had to have a talk to him about not reading texts without permission. We are all mortified.
mythrowawayresponse: chances are your son is aware of your activities with your husband... most phones nowadays pop up messages regardless of what you are doing. telling him not to read without permission is not the solution. Reading is something you do when you are staring at something in front of you.
TDSotM42: Well she sent her husband the text from that phone. So I'm guessing the son opened the messenger app and read it. But you make a good point regardless. My son uses our phones all the time so we have to keep it PG with our phone usage.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1401819989 | 1401835157 | t3_27805m | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally cussing out a customer at work.
This was a few months ago but didn't have an account and just felt like sharing while on lunch, my manager has a reddit account and I'm sure he'll get a kick out of this if he reads it.
I work at a call center and deal with usually angry business owners. We had an annoying customer who would always call for a few months now because she had some weird problems with our program but would be completely rude/mean about it. We also had a newbie on the team who was here for a few weeks, no bueno.
So this time the customer calls in and the noob picks up, tries to help her out with her problem but this time it was something she had done and she caused so no problem with our program. After much arguing on the customers end the noob finally gets off the call and hangs up. Or so we thought... So we start to talk about how this lady is always a bitch and if we visited her business we'd go on and give her a hard time and show her what it's like to have to be nice to rude customers so on and so forth. Well the customer was apparently on speakerphone and the noob didn't know that hanging the phone up while on speaker didn't end the call.
So the noob hangs up for sure this time and starts to panick. "Omg I'm going to get fired, this is going to ruin my future"... I'm here thinking "she didn't hear shit".
Welp the customer calls back, this time I picked up and casually answered the call. Now she starts yelling and going crazy because she heard everything. Turns out she called the next day and filed a complaint and was going to sue me for threatening her life and this and that. Oh and I got a warning.... The noob got fired however.
TLDR; I cussed out a customer out because a noob forgot to hang up a call that was on speakerphone. Accidentally.
Edit: wording
octavesemitone: you're both "noobs"
sheer_down_votes: I guess so :c
| 3 | 1 | |
1401828992 | 1401846175 | t3_278g4l | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU by humping me pillow
so around 2 am. im drinking with my parents. I'm drunk off of 4 crown and cokes so I decide to go to bed. I get to my room and think I should masturbate. I decide to switch it up and just hump my pillow. I feel embarrassed even typing that anonymously on the internet. so I'm humping my pillow, and I feel something. the tip of my penis hurts like a paper cut. I split the tip open while humping it. I decide to just go to bed because of the weird feeling I got. a couple hours I wake up with the, as expected, hangover. walk to the bathroom and take off my shorts to use the toilet. and I see it. blood in the hole of my prick. it scared me shitless and now I can't ignore it. it feels weird sitting and standing. I'm hoping if I don't put any strain on it, (masturbating in any form) then it will heal. I wish I just masturbated and kept it casual.
Dr-Jay: Based on the title, I imagined a drunken pirate doing all of this. I can't be the only one.
Pragmatism101: Arr...I agree, me matey! All these Pirate-y scalawags posting up on the /r/tifu waterrrrrrssss
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1401830442 | 1401973539 | t3_278int | t5_2to41 | 28 | throw_away_adam: TIFU by having my first sexual experience with another man by giving him a blowjob.
I'm not worried about him seeing this because he only speaks Italian, (I'm on a study abroad program for the Summer) so I doubt he'll ever see this.
I'm 22 now and ever since I was little I've always wanted to be a girl. When I do watch porn, I see myself as being the girl and I look at the guy. Me wanting to be a girl is more than just when I watch porn and all this might be fucked up I don't know, but I never told anyone mostly out of shame. Anyway, I came to Italy with a friend/fellow student and we share a room. Because of my roomate, I've rarely ever been alone and had time to "tend to myself". I've been incredibly horny.
I went to a resturaunt with my roomate and was waited on by a guy. My roomate and I were arguing over something trivial but I guess sort of too loudly. I picked up the bill at the end of the meal and on it was the waiters phone number along with a message which transltes to something like, "sounds like you had a rough night, text me :)". I shit you not. I think I look like a regular dude and other than eating dinner at a sort of romantic resturaunt with my roomate I don't know why else the waiter thought I was gay (am actually sort of paranoid now). I don't even remember trading niceties with him, but whatever.
I thought writing what he did was brave, and I do like guys so against my better judgement I texted him. One thing led to another and we were exchanging revealing pictures. I have never find this before and so it was huge for me. It was a combination of me having no alone time and being so horny, and the incredibly attractive things he was saying he wanted to do to me, but I wanted to meet him really badly, and he wanted to meet me too. Today my roomate was gone for a few hours. Now was my chance, this guy wanted me, and I told him he could come over. I never told him that I want to be a girl, or that I've never had a sexual encounter before, and he didn't ask.
He was larger than I remember, but he was being really nice and came to see me so I didn't say anything. I thought we would atleast talk first but right away he started trying to convince me to sleep with him. He wanted to have full on sex with me and if im honest I sort of did too, but I didn't want to without a condom which we didn't have. He wanted me to "at the very least" give him a blowjob, and so I gave in, took my clothes off like he asked, layed on him and pulled his pants down.
My immediate thought was "he's fat and his dick is small, ohhh I'm sucking it". Part of me was thrilled because I've wanted to do this for a long time, but very shortly after also part of me wasn't very into it. I've been looking at and fantasizing about being with a man and doing this my whole life, and even so, by the time we were done I had to fight off gagging, and I had to force myself to swallow.
I whisked him out of the door before my roomate could come back and then I shut myself away in the shower and started shaking and burning my skin underneath boiling hot water. I don't KNOW what I want, and this was my very first sexual encounter ever. I keep telling myself that it was only sex and that it doesn't matter, but I'm such a fucking idiot. I don't know if I hated what happened because he was fat and had a small penis (in which case I'm shallow). I don't know if I didn't like it because I'm actually not into guys as much as I thought. I don't know if I didn't like it because I'm physically not a girl like I want to be. I don't know how even though I hated it during and immediately after, I kind of want to do it again because writing this up turned me on a little, EVEN THOUGH I know if I do it again, I'll hate doing it with him and hate myself.
Now I have to go to sleep in the bed it happened in and I'm horrified that other people somehow know what I did, even though I bathed, brushed my teeth, etc since it happened. He has my phone # too and knows where I live...I'm fucking stupid, what do I say to him now when he messages me to get him to leave me alone?
I don't know what the hell to do or think. Me giving him a blowjob is stuck on replay in my head and I want to kill myself. What might be worse, I have no FUCKING clue what I want anymore. I clearly got in over my head, and now I'm too fucking stupid to even know what I want or what's going to disgust me and make me feel like this again. It seems like I want to do some things more than anything in the world, but then the next moment whatever I was attracted to disgusts me.
aliceblackwood: I'm not an expert on this stuff, as a heterosexual female, but my guess would be that you would've wanted to do this 'experimentation' (excuse me of my terms offend you, I'm not sure how to word it) with someone you know well or trust. I think the emotions you're feeling might be from the fact that you'd literally just met the man. Personally, I've only ever done any sexual things with ex-boyfriends, and I had to know them for a long while. I may be wrong, and it's just my guess. If you're still distressed about it, don't be afraid to talk to me. I'm not going to judge you, I promise.
throw_away_adam: I didn't realize how grossed out I was until I started doing it, and by then I couldn't back down. Near the end when I started really panicing and told him "I think you should go" he insisted that he was almost done and that we should keep going. I can't stop thinking about the whole thing and I swear to god I can still smell him on me even though I've taken like 10 showers since and its going to kill me!
IWishIWasThrownAway: You can always back down. Just because you start doing something doesn't mean you need to finish. Sure, it would suck for him, but if he isn't a scum bag and you say you don't want to continue that should be the end of it. The first time I ever got a blowjob the chick stopped before I could finish because her jaw hurt too much, and I didn't even think of forcing the issue. It sounds like you had a bad experience but I don't think it was you that fucked up.
| 4 | 7 | |
1401832960 | 1401844140 | t3_278mwv | t5_2to41 | 38 | McHatingIt: TIFU by drinking too much and ruining my chances
Happened at the weekend...
Have had a really, really big crush on a co-worker for a couple of months now. We've been talking and flirting but to this point nothing has happened between us. I'm quite a shy person so don't particularly like making the first move. Grow some balls right? :P
Imagine how happy I was when I found out said co-worker was having a house party and I was invited.
Imagine how happy I was when we started kissing towards the end of the night.
Imagine how happy I was when she invited me to go upstairs with her.
Imagine how happy I was when we started getting "frisky" in her bed. I went down on her for about 10 minutes.
Imagine my panic when it dawned on me that for the last 10 minutes I'd been as limp as old lettuce. This has never happened before and I fully blame Mr. Jack Daniels. Not even a twitch. I was in this girls bed going down like a tramp on chips and then came the awkward moment...
She grabbed my head and pulled me up, then grabbed towards my crotch. As soon as she touched my completely fully unerect disappointment, she hesitated before trying for a good minute or so to try to get him to stand to attention.
She failed. She asked me to leave. I felt embarassed as all hell. She is now not talking to me.
FML.
RstyKnfe: Did she use her mouth? If not, she barely tried and wasn't worth your time.
Not to mention, you went down on her for 10 minutes and she only tried for a minute.
You deserve better, friend.
rxcowboy: Ten minutes really isn't that long....
rxcowboy: Ok I'm curious, who down voted that? I really want to know who thinks that eating pussy for ten minutes is some horrendously long stretch of time.
Hovsky: I think people are downvoting him because the absolute time is irrelevant. The comment above was talking about relative time, and 1 min is a tenth of 10 min regardless of how long 10 min is.
rxcowboy: Ok that makes more sense, thank you
| 6 | 6.333333 | |
1401833916 | 1401834419 | t3_278oir | t5_2to41 | 7 | MarineAlan: TIFU and opened my gateway to hell...
So today I fucked up I apologize about the shit formatting I'm
On mobile
So today I was with my friend we will call her M and she was babysitting her 4 year old sister we will call her J. So I was with M and me and her were smoking hookah and her little sister J walks in and says "what are you guys doing?" And we both respond with "grown up stuff" which she responds to "I'm a grown up I wanna try!" We both look at each other and both agree that it's just hookah what damage could be done? Right? Wrong! She starts demanding more and more which we give her like 3 hits and it's done she leaves. No harm done. Well I'm on my way home after a few more hours and it hits me kinda hard "I just let a fucking 4 year old smoke hookah!!" I called my friend to check up on her and J is feeling fine...but man do I feel like shit so reddit today I fucked up.
mythrowawayresponse: brace yourself - it's going to be a rough ride!
MarineAlan: I feel like this kids life is just going to be corrupt now .
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1401834450 | 1401835598 | t3_278pcw | t5_2to41 | 12 | The_Internet_Me: TIFU by existing.
Woke up, no bagels left. Forgot my lunch at home. Go to work see the news that the minimum wage is $15 in Seattle, which means everyone there is making more than I am at my internship I moved halfway a crossed the country and spent a fortune to do so.
Then I go take my car in to have my A/C looked at, I had it recharged a week a go and had some stuff replaced which cost me $300 and it stopped recently stopped working. Turned out the compressor blew up and it'll be $1,400. So looks like I won't be having A/C for 2 more years at least when I graduate, maybe even longer.
I'm doing my grocery shopping after getting the bad news about my car I see a girl who has caught my eye a few times before, we've chatted here and there but nothing lengthy. (As a side note I just moved here for the summer so I now absolutely no one) I decided to chat with her like I have previously and ended up asking her if she wanted to get together this weekend, she graciously turned me down.
After that I said fuck it, it's been a terrible day it's hot and I want some ice cream. Head over to DQ and get a small Reese's Blizzard. Sweet that'll be 4 dollars, wtf. Fuck this day, fuck this state, fuck this summer.
On the bright side, I went to the gym and hit a new deadlift P.R. probably because I was so angry.
Edit: Forgot to mention also realized USPS returned an order I had because they couldn't find my address. Found that out while at work. and a number
twcsata: That sucks. Hope something goes your way soon.
Also: $14k for a compressor? Something sounds wrong about that. If you get a chance, might want a second opinion. I would have guessed about a grand at most, maybe including labor too.
The_Internet_Me: Sorry, 1,400. Mistyped
twcsata: Well, in that case, that sucks too. Hang in there.
| 4 | 3 | |
1401834624 | 1401904533 | t3_278pn1 | t5_2to41 | 366 | [deleted]: TIFU by sleeping with the girl of my dreams for the first time
So, a little back story; gorgeous girl who works for a contractor that does business with who I work for. We met about three years ago and have always been flirty, only recently have we both been single at the same time. When I say gorgeous I mean way out of my league... Looks alone she would be a solid 8, but add in her personality and the fact she has her life together I have no idea why she agreed to a go out on a date in the first place.
We finally got to go out on a real date and we had a great time, second date was a baseball game and again, awesome time together which ended the night with some making out. Third date was great but we were drinking and she drank a little too much and sex when a girl is unconscious is not my bag. She promised the next date she would make up for it. Next date rolls around and we have a great time, but at dinner she goes to the bathroom and comes out flushed and almost crying. Her monthly "friend" has shown up and she feels horrible like she is a tease. I assured her it was okay and she should not feel any pressure. We did get to fool around a little and I got litterally the greatest blowjob of my life.
The next four nights I made her dinner at my house, each night has had make out sessions and a few amazing blow jobs, the fourth night included a shower which I tried to get some sexy time in, but was shot down because she said it hurt on her period. Sigh.
Which brings us to last night...
It was the night! I planned a romantic dinner, cleaned my house spotless, fresh bedding, everything. Almost three weeks leading up to this and we had seen each other almost everyday! So dinner is great, lots of conversation and laughs, she is wowed at the dessert I made (cheesecake) and she jokes about how hard I'm working to get in her pants. After dessert we sit and drink some coffee and visit. While we are visiting her stomach starts growling a little, then more. Embarrassed she goes to the bathroom. Now I'm thirty, I've accepted that women, even gorgeous ones, poop. I don't like to think about it but I know it happens.
So while she is in the bathroom I clean up our plates and the kitchen (running water to cover any sounds that may be coming from the bathroom). Just as I am finishing in the kitchen she comes in a little giggly but trying to change the subject. We start kissing, which leads to my hands all over her, which leads to me lifting her on the counter. Her top comes off etc etc. she gets off the counter and puts her back to me grinding against me like crazy. I reach around and undo her pants and slide them down. Seriously who has a ass that perfect??? But there is a funny smell all of the sudden... Not to be distracted and totally engulfed in the beauty in front of me we continue. She gets my pants down and does her thing then turns back around to push her ass back to my crotch. That's when it happened.
I look down and her now bare ass is exposed. Like I said, I've accepted that women poop, it's natural, but it's not something I really want to think about or have be made apparent to me. So looking down and seeing that she had a smear of shit on her perfect ass stopped me in my tracks. It felt like I was looking at it for an hour but it was actually only a few moments because she had reached around and guided me to her.
Skipping the intimate details of the first sex with a woman I was starting to think I may marry, the entire time I had the mental image of her shit smeared ass in my head. We made outer way to the bedroom and in all honesty had amazing sex. When we finished she went to the bathroom to do what ever women do after sex. When she came back she pulled the blankets back and gasped at seeing the stain on the sheats she had left. She looked at me with horror in her eyes and her eyes watered up.
I did my best to assure her I hadn't seen anything but she got dressed and rushed out. I called and texted last night but she didn't respond. Nothing today either.
TIFU by sleeping with the most perfect girl ever...
[deleted]: Shit happens.
MachinaExDeo: Sssshhhh... you'll wake the mods...
Eat_The_Muffin: Maybe we can bribe them
ilikeeatingbrains: LETS GET SHITFACED
| 5 | 73.2 | |
1401836640 | 1401890299 | t3_278swl | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by opening my car windows
I'm 17 and I just graduated from high school. At my graduation party last week, a close friend gave me a check from his family for $50 as a graduation gift. His family isn't very financially secure, so I'm sure just giving me $50 was a stretch for them, which means that the gift was a pretty big deal to both his family and me.
Today, I drove to the bank to deposit all of the checks I received. It was 90 degrees outside, and I drive a really shitty old Kia with no air conditioning. To cool off, I opened the front windows with the checks laying on the passenger seat (I know.). As I was driving down the street to the bank, going 55 mph, I hear the sound of paper flapping in the wind and watch helplessly as the check my friend gave me flies out the passenger side window.
I roll up the window but it's too late. His check is gone and I fucked up.
WVGolfer: You can tell them that you lost it, they can cancel it and write you a new one and won't lose that additional $50.
EatsFriedChicken: It costs like $35 to cancel a check.
WVGolfer: And...?
EatsFriedChicken: Annnnnd OP said the person who gave the gift isn't financially well off, so asking them to cancel it and write another one turns a $50 gift into an $85 gift.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1401837579 | 1401842373 | t3_278uc3 | t5_2to41 | 37 | [deleted]: TIFU I clicked on a link on reddit as my mom walked in (NSFW)
As the link loaded it was too late. I am somewhat sick today and I was coughing and breathing semi hard. A picture of some girl bending down exposing her lady parts was smack right in the middle of my screen. Her darn p*ssy was fricken frozen on my screen. I feel so dumb browsing NSFW jokes or clicking on links when someone is around.
My mother proceeded to ignore me and left. I am probably a loser to her now as I cough so much and look like a freak. I also have tissues right by me too. "It wasn't like that I swear!"
I wish people really put the NSFW tag more.
jakethesnake741: Or.... and this is a wild guess... she now figures you are a semi normal post pubescent male
Teotwawki69: Brace yourself for the dinner table moment, though, OP, when she suddenly turns to your dad and says, "Well, you were wrong about AdeptBro being gay. I caught him looking at vagina today."
"Were you now really, son? Well good for you. Honey, can you pass the yams?"
Flattest_Flat_Top: For some reason I read this in my most stereotypical white family voice. I'm still cracking up
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1401839675 | 1401843862 | t3_278xk9 | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting a good old. "daddy is home early!" At my GF's house NSFW
Me (M25) Her (F24)
So it was like any old day until i got that beautiful, i'm home alone come over text. (she lives at home going through a indecisive and i'm in a small apartment so i liked hanging out at her house) Her dad is ex marine hard ass who i can barley get to shake my hand but hey why don't i just go to his house without permission right.
I show up and she tells me he wont be home for THE WHOLE DAY. Well it is 2:00pm when she says this so T-Minus 3 hours till dad impact. So we do what couples do and start getting to "work" so to speak. At this point we go upstairs and the front door is foolishly unlocked T-Minus 1 hour till dad impact. I also made a very fatal mistake of leaving all my clothes, wallet and keys in the stupid living room. At this point its getting very heated and the dog starts whimpering. If anyone has a dog you know that whimpering a dog makes when the owner is home and i instantly feel like my body lights on fire and we both instantly shoot up as the door flies open downstairs so we lock the door upstairs but oh no... MY CLOTHES ARE DOWNSTAIRS. So i run like Mr. Bolt himself in her tiny little sweat pants (I'm 6'5 shes 5'5 for some reference) And he is yelling like a drill sergeant so i grab my clothes, keys and wallet and make a break for the door but oh no hes waiting for me i turn around and fly through the back door with pure adrenaline and i almost flew over that fence but guess who's waiting for me by my truck. This takes place in Chandler, Arizona where the ground is like lava. So i yell "Oh, god" i juke him out like i'm a damn NFL running back and i fling the door open lock my doors and peel out as he chases me down the street.
In conclusion no more family dinners with her i guess.
Teotwawki69: You're 25 and she's 24. Why are you both acting like you're 16?
droptrooper: yea... the hell.
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1401839448 | 1401842318 | t3_278x7n | t5_2to41 | 6 | MSLB: Tifu by driving
Well it was my mom but today it flooded at the park and I convinced her to drive through the water in the parking lot and the car stopped running and we had to get out in waist deep water and push it while my 5 year old brother steared it strait.
TL;DR don't drive in waist deep water in a low car
Kisutra: Generally speaking, don't EVER drive through standing water. You don't know how deep it is.
MSLB: Tbh it was fucking hilarious me and my mom are still laughing
Kisutra: It's good no one got hurt :) How's the car?
MSLB: Fine, the engine light is still on and it happened like an hour ago
Kisutra: My car's engine light is permanently on XD
| 6 | 1 | |
1401840027 | 1401858571 | t3_278y39 | t5_2to41 | 11 | sgtlobster06: TIFU by shotgunnning a beer off my hotel balcony.
So I'm on a family vacation right now and I'm in college, so naturally I like drinking alcohol. The whole day I've been drinking booze and when I get back to my hotel room after the beach I decide to go shotgun a beer off the balcony. It was really shitty beer (big flats from walgreens) so I couldn't finish the entire beer so I quit halfway through and some of the beer spills out, down four stories and hits the hold woman holding this infant. I yell that I'm sorry and I put on some nice clothes and immediately run downstairs to apologize. I knock on the door but no one answers so I go around back to their balcony and there they are sitting. I man up an confess that I was me and apologize profusely since I genuinely felt bad. I mention how irresponsible it was of me and how bad I felt, and everyone thanks me and just tells me not to do it again, aside from the one lady, who actually only got her foot hit, and the baby didn't get hit at all. She rails me for how irresponsibly i acted, how she could call the cops and have me go to jail for what I did, she claimed I did it on purpose, she asked me my age (21) and told me I need to start acting my age, and shame on me and my family for even being allowed to stay in a nice resort as we were staying. She had already filed a complaint with the lobby so now my whole family is gonna suffer. I mean I think I recovered the situation as best I could, I manned up and went out of my way to apologize, so I think the complaint and the old ladies response to me was a little over the top, but that's just me. I dunno - today I fucked up I guess
Nels11: Walgreens sells beer?
ggrove91: Mostly shitty beer with maybe one good brand. Edit: Big Flats is 3.33 for a six pack. Super shitty.
Nels11: Please tell me you didn't get red dog or boxer..
ggrove91: Holy shot I forgot that stuff existed. Never ever. I have a little bit of dignity left not to do that.
Nels11: Well that's good. I personally have never bought it, but I have friends who have made that mistake.
Lost4Cause: Are these the same types of friends who'd buy Mad Dog, Boones Farm Strawberry Hill, or PBR or Keystone?
Nels11: Well that considering I'm in college, I do have friends that are on a budget and can't afford to spend more than $20 for a case of beer.
| 8 | 1.375 | |
1401841473 | 1401948228 | t3_27908b | t5_2to41 | 54 | LatinoCreamKingz: TIFU by getting head in my gf's mums car
This will be my first post on here, so it might not be up to scratch.
Basically this story didn't happen today, it happened a few days ago. I was with my girlfriend at her house for the whole day celebrating her 18th birthday. The thing is she was horny the whole day, and by the time night time came around she drove me home in her mums car, as it was later at night and her own car broke down the night before.
She parks a few streets away from my house and starts making out with me, no real objections from me. She moves down south to well less than pg things and starts giving me head. Now I'll say right now I'm not the longest lasting guy, I last 5-10 mins on your average pornhub video, but I lasted 20 minutes and was feeling like a champ.
I tell her that I'm about to cum so she goes down to swallow as to not make a mess but her necklace that I bought her for her birthday gets caught on my belt and by this point I can't stop myself from shooting my baby juice everywhere. I hit the motherload, it was a cumcano. It went everywhere, my jumper, jeans, window, the dashboard (didn't realise the dashboard at the time) all over her and my hands, her hair, her face and even in her ear! She told me she'd clean it up after I left and she dropped me off.
Fast forward to the next day and I get sent a photo from her best friend of the massive stain I left on the dashboard with the caption holy fuck that's a lot ahahaha. I've never spoken to her before so I basically broke the ice with a conversation over my massive cumstain in her mums car. To make things worse I text my girlfriend asking why she didn't clean it all up for, and she said she thought she did but she must of missed that spot, then she told me that her mum drove her dad to work that morning, and they must of seen that massive stain, I'm pretty much dead.
tl;dr girlfriend gave me head in mums car, I cum everywhere, get photo of stain I left from her friend never spoke to before, parents drove the car with the massive stain in it.
Teotwawki69: Twist: Her parents wind up getting divorced because Mom thinks Dad got a little strange in her car...
Ghostofazombie: I had to re-read this several times before I got that you were using "strange" as a noun and as slang.
Teotwawki69: Yep... noun. Might have come across more clearly spoken rather than written.
| 4 | 13.5 | |
1401845483 | 1401892610 | t3_27966d | t5_2to41 | 180 | uduneffedupboi: TIFU by making out with a girl in a strict islamic country
A bit of backstory first. The population of the country I live in is predominantly muslim and several strict islamic laws are in place there. Any public displays of affection are frowned upon and are a punishable offence in certain areas.
Back to the story. Yesterday night I went out with a few friends and a girl I just started going out with. We decided to carpool in her car to save petrol and the hassle of finding multiple parking spots. When the night out was over, I was the last person to be dropped off back at my car which was parked near my university. As I was about to leave, she leaned in and gave me a kiss goodbye which somehow ended up becoming a fierce makeout session with lots of groping and whatnot. A couple of minutes in, she decides to move the car into a slightly more secluded area which later turned out to be not secluded enough.
Things were starting to get intense, my shirt was half unbuttoned and her bra lay in the back seat when suddenly a flashlight shines in through the driver side window. **Fucking police patrol**. Not the best position to be caught in, being straddled by a girl with my hands up her blouse. Well, we scrambled to get dressed and had to roll down the window to talk to the policeman. I was forced to step out of the car to answer some questions and and to give him my details and all that. Well, now I have to mention the girl is a muslim(I'm not) and to be caught being intimate with a person out of wedlock is a punishable offence. I would either have to pay a hefty fine which I would never be able to afford or be forced to marry the girl which I am not at all prepared for.
So there I am, standing in front of a policeman with my clothes rumpled and lipstick stains on my neck thinking I was doomed for sure. When he starts telling me about how he helped us both by protecting us from possible robbery by stopping by. I was confused at first as to how that subject was in any way related when he says, "I have helped you both now. Is there anything you can do to help me?". I normally would never condone bribing a policeman especially in a country where every other policeman is corrupt but in this situation I felt like I had no choice. I emptied my wallet and he bid us goodnight leaving me and the girl to awkwardly bid each other goodnight.
Moral of the story: Syariah laws are a bitch so keep it under control when you are in an islamic country.
Tl;dr :made out with a muslim girl in and got busted. Ended up bribing cop to avoid paying an insane fine or facing a forced marriage
RueDePalmar: The bright side is… Since you committed a crime together, your bond gets stronger as a couple and bribing a Syrian police officer is always gonna be a story worth telling.
TheBanger: He never says that he is in Syria, just that "Syariah laws are a bitch" which presumably is a typo for "Shariah".
In other news, OP, why don't you just say which country this is?
[deleted]: I'm willing to bet either Iran or Saudi Arabia.
[deleted]: or Oman, Yemen, Sudan, or Turkey, Egypt, Morocco, Kuwait, Bahrain
[deleted]: I doubt Turkey or Sudan.
[deleted]: I am in agreement with you but people tend to limit their thinking of their Islamic world to SA or Iran. I was just providing additional countries.
[deleted]: Well I listed them as the most important Sunni and Shia states, really.
[deleted]: I am not one to believe the OP anyway. But, you make a fine point sir.
| 9 | 20 | |
1401836600 | 1401966779 | t3_278suo | t5_2to41 | 3 | MaoTseSchlong: TIFU by not being up front with my feelings, banging another girl, promising my long term girlfriend that I would dedicate myself to her, and then breaking up with her.
My girl and I have been together a pretty long time. 4 years about. we are still pretty young so 4 years is quite awhile. Anyways, we moved abroad together to pursue jobs and lived here "happily".
However, our pretty house with blue shudders and a Golden Retriever had a pretty murky basement. A small arched doorway with a skeleton keyhole in a room that we rarely entered ,if opened, would lead you down a creaky set of stairs into this nasty, moldy, dusty basement. We tried to stay away, but we always knew it was there. We had our problems like everyone else does. But somewhere along the way I began to feel differently about her than she did about me. We did the on/off thing, same as other folks. This time was where I fucked up the worst. I met another girl and went back to her place. I felt the worst guilt the next morning and went home and admitted what I did. She was angry but when I said our relationship was beyond repair she broke down and begged me to keep trying. That she couldn't lose me.
I couldn't bare to see her so distraught so I agreed to do what it took to reconcile. However, the more I thought, the more I realized we were doing the same thing we always did. And that I couldn't change the way I felt. It seems now that we are actually over. I think I did the right thing in ending things, just did it in the worst way possible.
Sarahhhhhhhh8: ...is the thing about the house a metaphor? Because I waited for so many lines for that part to be explained.
MaoTseSchlong: yes. Just to paint a picture of what our relationship looked like. Nice on the outside but had a flawed foundation and dirty underbelly.
MaoTseSchlong: glad it hooked you in though :)
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1401862645 | 1401895738 | t3_278udw | t5_2to41 | 7 | puzzlebobble: There are no alternative health methods that work for getting rid of gallstones. It is all fake remedies that don't do anything for you. The only thing I ever found to work to calm my attack was apple cider vinegar and even then it only stopped an attack. It did nothing to get rid of the stones. The only way to actually get rid of the stones is to get rid of the gallbladder.
snickerpops: One guy I talked to told me that his wife had gallstones and was scheduled for surgery but she tried doing some cure involving olive oil and it worked and got rid of the gallstones without the surgery.
My next-door neighbor is about 70 and he said that he had acute appendicitis when he was a boy and the chiropractor was a family friend who massaged his side for an hour and a half on condition he did not tell the doctor. My neighbor said that the next day he was as healthy as a horse and due to his promise was unable to tell the doctor why he was cured.
You may say that was a dangerous thing to do, but 50 years ago abdominal surgery was not the safest thing to do either, and it still has risks including infections from the hospital itself.
So as always your mileage may vary but as long as you have a doctor monitoring it to make sure it does not get too acute, less invasive measures can be tried before going to more radical methods.
Dimsml: Just google reputable sources.
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/gallstones/expert-answers/gallbladder-cleanse/faq-20058134
>In most cases, a gallbladder cleanse involves eating or drinking a combination of olive oil, herbs and some type of fruit juice over several hours. Proponents claim that gallbladder cleansing helps break up gallstones and stimulates the gallbladder to release them in stool. Although olive oil can act as a laxative, there's no evidence that it's an effective treatment for gallstones. Also, people who try gallbladder cleansing may see what looks like gallstones in their stool the next day. But what they are really seeing is globs of oil, juice and other materials.
And it lists available methods apart from surgery:
>If you have gallstones that require treatment, discuss proven treatment options with your doctor, such as **surgical removal, bile salt tablets or sound wave therapy.**
And I can't find a single clinical trial on those "alternative flushes", which means they are likely a piece of bullmanure at best, and a suicidal thing at worst.
snickerpops: A simple x-ray will tell you if the gallstones are still there.
Also, how is drinking some olive oil 'suicidal' if you check with an x-ray for the gallstones afterward?
As far as studies, someone would need to be interested enough to fund those -- if there is no financial reward, funding money is likely to be rather scarce.
Dimsml: >A simple X-Ray will tell you
Unfortunately, it is not that simple. Some gallstones are made from cholesterol and they are transparent to X-rays. Ultrasound is usually used first, the gallstones reflect ultrasound, no matter what material they are made from. Then goes the X-ray testing, if the stones "disappear" on the x-ray, it means they are likely made from cholesterol and they will likely dissolve when bile salts tablets are used (see the wiki article about ursodiol I posted above). If they are seen on the x-ray, they are calcified and shit gets serious. Still might get dissolved though, but that's far less likely.
X ray will not be used as a first-line test, radiation is not harmless, you know, and you still miss the cholesterol stones.
I hope that answers the first issue about x-ray.
The second issue is: it is not suicidal per se, but using it instead of proven treatment schemes might be deadly. Some fanatics don't trust proven medical manipulations and treatments, but trust only alternative medicine, sometimes it prevents them from getting proven methods of medical care on time and they die or severely damage their health as a result. I find that inappropriate and spreading those beliefs is akin to small-scal terrorism to me. But that's not my problem, you know, it's your life and your body, you've been warned.
Regarding profits:
Don't you think that if there was a chemical that would dissolve stones in that mixture, there wouldn't be a whole bunch of pharma companies competing against each other in a race to isolate, purify, pack and sell this remedy for a huge heap o'bucks? They would be literally kicking each other in the fork to get there first.
Plus, I would like you to read the wiki article about Ursodiol, if you haven't done that yet, and see that it really is a natural remedy. It is literally dried bile packed in tablets. And it is not that expensive, either. You just have to take it for months and possibly years. On the other hand: the stones took those months and years to form, but you want a magic bullet to cure it in a day? That's unlikely.
Finally, I would like to urge **everyone** to seek qualified medical attention, if you have any of the symptoms. Of course, being dead from a burst gallbladder or taking some homeopathy is cheaper that having a surgery or spending 10 bucks every week on tablets, but **it is you, who's going to suffer or even die.**
I'm done.
Edit: some minor corrections
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1401853724 | 1401891720 | t3_279iam | t5_2to41 | 38 | Bigminotaur: TIFU by getting caught by her family....
As the title says, me and my girlfriend of 10 months were caught at her house by her family. Thing is, her family left the house and said they wouldn't be back for four hours or so. But they came back early because they forgot something. We didn't think anyone would come home so soon so we didn't bother closing her room door, which is entirely visible by the front door. So her mom walked in first, followed by the fiance, and then her older brother. All of whom saw me balls deep in a doggy style position. Time froze, my vision got hazy. My girlfriend yelped kinda and I pulled out and just rolled over, crushing my dick. My girlfriend's mom then kicked me out of the house, the fiance was laughing, and the brother was mad dogging me. Then her mom forced me to tell my parents! So... Yeah. TL;DR: Always close the fucking door.
sweeptheleg1981: All I heard was that you got laid. Everything else is moot.
Creepy-Steve: dm;hs
MachinaExDeo: > Time froze, my vision got hazy.
And I called my parents right after I was done...
Bigminotaur: Well, I am a teenager, so..
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1401855093 | 1401855523 | t3_279k7b | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: tifu by calling a drunk a retard
kinda_alone: It doesnt have to be from today. What you wrote is not really a fuck up so i am going to remove it. Try the taking a girl home story.
bassethounder: Satire isn't a part of reddit anymore? fuck me, it's like the dude that is on the front page of /r/gonewild for making fun of the girls that always make the (f)irst post, please be gentle
edit: apparently, that isn't on the front page of there anymore, but aren't (at least some of these) supposed to be worth a chuckle and not be deeply scrutinized? Unless you're completely scrutinizing rule #2, I do not know how this violates the rules.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1401856915 | 1401946510 | t3_279mgk | t5_2to41 | 10 | justthrowitawhey: TIFU by not taking a chance…
This girl is really into me as I am to her. We both know as well, because mutual friends keep bringing it up which is fine with us. So today I helped her move a table she brought from a party thrown this weekend as I own a truck. At this party we almost made out but were cockblocked by the host's mom. So after school we drove out there together making light pleasant conversation, flirting and teasing and such. After we returned the table I had to has up, she was fine with that. After this however I asked her what she wanted to do, she responded, "up to you!" I also can't make a decision to save my life so I jokingly said I'd pull over if she didn't decide. Going along with it, she didn't say a thing so I pulled over and we sat there for 15 minutes just talking. At one point I thought I had her beat when I said, "well I don't know what you want to do so you should tell me." To which she replied, "I think you know what I want." Boom. That was it. The signal I had been waiting for had finally come. After a bit of flirtatious talk, I had worked up the courage to kiss her (I still hadn't had my first kids so I was nervous beyond belief). Haut at that moment, my friend pulled up along side us and began talking to me ruining the mood and killing any chance. I felt horrible because I didn't take my shot when I had it.
EDIT: I did it! Thanks for the kind words :)
pkg911: Well, like you said, you're both into each other. Stop being awkward and be direct. It's good that you tried a kiss which is a big step (it's kind of like cementing your feelings), take the next step. Ask her out.
justthrowitawhey: Thanks for the advice, helpful indeed
pkg911: No problem dude. I know everyone hears this a lot, but seriously, confidence is key. But, what's more important, is to think before you speak. You know when things get heated, people blurt out words and wish they could take them back. Same here. Just give it 3, 4 seconds before you answer anything. Like just say "errrr, uuhh", and while your doing that, think of something smart to say. Although in arguments you might want to buffer your thoughts with a death stare (don't :P)
justthrowitawhey: Good insight, confidence is something I am very lacking in. However I built up the courage and did it today and I couldn't be happier! But I will absolutely keep in mind strategies to not say the wrong thing.
pkg911: Great dude. Best of luck. Use protection *being optimistic ;)*
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1401858675 | 1401879675 | t3_279ofl | t5_2to41 | 49 | PM_me_Loplop: TIFU by being a total dick to a quiet guy in my class
Before I start, the reason why im posting this is I just feel horrible and wanted to tell someone about this.
Today was my last day of Junior year in highschool. In my health class we played a fun game of regular old jeopardy. We were randomly put into teams and I was paired with these 2 girls and this other quiet guy. Throughout middle school and the beginning of high school I was a quiet shy person. So we're pretty far into this game of jeopardy and were all having fun and this quiet guy hasn't said a word and has barely let out a smile. Some question I don't even remember comes up and were talking in our team about the question , so I had the idea to try to bring this guy into the conversation, hopefully make him feel a bit more comfortable as he is a year younger and doesn't really know the rest of us. In my head im thinking "I should try to get him involved, and feel a part of this group." but that's not what I said to him. I turn to him and say "Hey john, your useless" my face just went red. I don't know what made me say that. I apologized and tryed to explain that, that's the exact opposite of what I wanted to say but in the heat of embarrassment it probably just came out as gibberish.
Just writing this makes me feel horrible. I don't what else to say.
pkg911: Not cool man. What if he snaps one day and you're the first one he stabs?
pluckschickens: Stabs?! Pfft you're not from one of those progressive, intelligent countries that prohibits people from easy access to unnecessary pointless firearms or something are you? Left wing hippies.
pkg911: Are katanas hippie weapons?
Horatio_Stubblecunt: >Are katanas hippie weapons?
Are hippies euphoric?
pkg911: Probably, based on the weed stereotype.
| 6 | 8.166667 | |
1401856120 | 1401884663 | t3_279lid | t5_2to41 | 10 | burgerlover69: TIFU by wearing a grey hoodie
This happened a couple years ago, and it wasn't so much my fuck up as it was a coincidence that had ridiculous consequences. If there is a better sub for this then let me know but I still think it's an entertaining story.
I live in a university town that has some rough areas so the police are out in full force especially around campus to ensure everyone's safety and keep the University booming. I was on my way to write a math test. I was about 30 feet from the bus stop I needed to get to. It was chilly so i was wearing my hood on my head and had my hands in my pockets. A police officer pulls up next to me:
Cop: "Did you see someone waving a pistol around?"
Me (confused): "What? a pistol? Like a gun? Someone has a gun?"
Cop: "Take your hands out of your pockets slowly and put them on your head."
...Oh fuck. Not only is there a murderous villain on the loose somewhere near me, but the cops think that I'M the murderous villain.
I'm standing there with my hands on my head while the cop just hides behind his car staring at me. At this point a crowd begins forming at the bus stop and everyone is watching.
I kid you not, 6 more cruisers show up within a minute and a half. Then they approach me, cuff me, and tell me to lay down on the ground.
Cop: "What's in your backpack?"
Me: "a textbook and my computer"
Cop dumps my bag out, goes through all my shit, finds nothing...
"Sorry kid, we got a description that you matched. Move along."
They un-cuff me and the police vehicles disperse as quickly as they arrived...
I'm just standing there, dusting the shit off my chest from laying on the ground, shaking like a dog shitting razor blades wondering what the hell just happened and where this crazed gun murderer was hiding... and then I just kept walking to my bus stop.
It was kinda funny because all the people that had just seen the whole thing go down were too far away to hear any of the dialogue and were now just staring at me in awkward silence as we all waited for the bus together.
It turns out some guy wearing my typical american apparel hoodie had been walking around pointing a gun at his own head and yelling shit. Never did find out the whole story behind that or what happened to him. But I did alright on my math test and a girl I liked had seen me getting cuffed and it made for a great conversation starter. we eventually dated for a few months.
TL;DR: got mistaken for a lunatic with a gun, gained street cred and hot girlfriend.
AlmondSeason: Is that an Alkaline Trio reference?
burgerlover69: i was wondering if anyone would pick up on that
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1401860574 | 1401862768 | t3_279qkm | t5_2to41 | 15 | Fake4dayzs: TIFU by going over to my GF's house when her parents aren't home
So this is going to be rant. And me being very paranoid/ scared. Mostly scared. Throwaway for b/c I don't feel comforatable using main acct
Some background info. Both of us are not allowed to date. neither of our parents know that we are dating. Her cousin that was found to have a BF while in HS was basically ostracized from the family.
So I have a GF. ( Yay!). Her parents leave for about 2 hours or so for a band concert, so my GF, lets call her A, invites me over. Naturally, me being a (stupid might I add) horny, hormonal 17 year old accept thinking I'm going to get some today.
So I drive over, go into her room, and yeah. Sitting on her bed, talking led to touching, toucning led to kissing, and yeah. never had sex, clothes were on, but we were getting REALLY intimate. I stopped her about 10 mintues before her parents were supposed to get home, but then she layed it on me. "just 5 more mins.." And well.. Her hand slid down and she did a lot of fistpumps... (Thinking back on this, I was really stupid and was thinking with my 2nd, stupid head. I really should have stopped her and left)
Anyways, her parents come home. We hear the door open downstairs and im thinking to myself, oh fuck. Im really dead. So here I am, hiding behind her bed. Five miuntes go by, and all is good. Im thinking to myself, all right. I can wait this out and sneak out when her parents go to bed. ( They go to bed super early). BUT THEN HER MOM WALKS IN. NOW IM FREAKING OUT. AND THEN SHE COMES OVER. AND OPENS THE WINDOW. RIGHT BESIDE WHERE I AM HIDING.
Now I iwsh I was small enough to hide underneath the bed, but I wasn't. So here I am, with my butt in the air, and her mom going, " WHAT THE HELL. Wait... is that you Fake4Dayzs?"
So now I get up and look at my GF, A. We give each other this look, and simultaneously go, BOO. My GF tells her mom that she invited me over so we could do a project. Her mom looks surprised, laughed and then left the room. Now I immediately get out of the house and drive back home.
Now Im just sitting here worried that my GF is in big trouble and her dad is going to bring a shotgun and knock down my door. ( He doesn't even own a gun. Im just being really stupid and paranoid). But i just can't stop feeling scared..
Come about one hour later now, my GF has texted me that she worries that I love her for what she does for me, not her actual self... I really screwed myself over now..
tl;dr- GF's parents are gone for abit, I come over, sexy happens, parents come home. GF now seems distraught/pissed at me. Help.
mrpauliepants: Ah, to be young. Odds are her parents talked with her about relationships, etc. Just be honest with her, if you really love her then tell her. She's probably just questioning things because of the talk her parents gave her. No FU here, just the way it goes when you're young and in love.
Fake4dayzs: Its so bad. I really did screw up this time. I don't know what to do.. :(
mrpauliepants: Naw man. Just chill. Like I said if you love her, tell her. If not, then whatever. You really can't force anything, so be honest and if it's not meant to be, it's just not meant to be. I know it feels way more intense... But just find something to take your mind off it and things will settle out.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1401860593 | 1401862916 | t3_279qle | t5_2to41 | 9 | minlite: TIFU by being ignorant at my high school graduation
So I moved to US 10 months ago and since then I had been a senior at our local high school. The first days were horrible but soon I started making friends and things got better eventually. This may be hard to imagine for some, but since all of the people already had their close friend circle, I was always afraid of approaching my new made friends when they were with their group, worrying that they would think of me as a creep and not part of the group. However, in the same time I was pretty sure that they enjoyed my presence. Anyways, today was my graduation and there is this girl that I know for some time (fortunately not friendzoned yet) and we both like each other. Today was the last opportunity that I could see her before we all leave for summer. Although we will see each other at college again in a few months, but still I wanted to hangout with her in summer. So during graduation, we looked at each other many times, but I ignored her every time, since she was with her friends and I didn't have the courage to approach. So when we were leaving I tried to find her to take a picture at least, but she had already left.
Now I feel like an ignorant dick and I can't see her in summer.
mrpauliepants: Eh, there are plenty of ways to get in contact. Facebook/social media (Hey, I didn't get a chance at graduation...) or if you have any mutual friends. Otherwise, if you never see her again, she wasn't the one. You live and learn, and next time just nut up and go for it.
minlite13: I prefer the in-person method, but I will try that and see what happens. Thanks
| 3 | 3 | |
1401869616 | 1401871924 | t3_279yq8 | t5_2to41 | 7 | xenakimbo: TIFU by reacting instead of responding, and by allowing someone to bully me out of a store who was profiling me
I was recently diagnosed with pre-diabetes, am overwhelmed figuring out what I can and can't eat now, and trying to get on the right track to avoid going into full-blown diabetes, which is very scary to me. I went into a health food store today with a friend who is diabetic, and she asked me if they take food stamps. Since I've been in there before, I proceeded to ask if they take food stamps, the response was "is it blah blah kind?" She responded yes, and they curtly said "no." We started to look at the fruits and veggies.
I broke off and went into the "first aid" aisle as I had taken a fall right before and scraped my leg up. I opened by purse to take my cell phone out, and all of a sudden, I have two employees - not one, but TWO (who does that) behind me, one practically right in my face asking if I needed help finding something. I said I needed medicated witch hazel for my scraped leg, which they didn't have, so I looked at the regular one decided I did not want that. They were still hovering. I don't think anyone likes people hovering when they shop, unless they have solicited a salesperson and ushered them over. I was then asked, and I'm paraphrasing at this point, "what else will you be getting?" I was going to say, "excuse me? I don't recall hiring a personal shopper, and aside - you're making me uncomfortable hovering over me." I just very mouse-ily answered why yes I' looking for sugar free products, which you only have two of, so I'm going to find my friend. I thought this was odd and continued to shop with my friend, telling her what happened, and showing her products while we continued to shop and were being followed around in that way that people try to be discreet about, but aren't. I had a small issue with this guy when the store was at a different location.
Apparently he does not understand the need for personal space. Anyway, this jerkwad is following us around and I could feel myself getting more uncomfortable, like "does this durfwad think we don't have money because we dared ask at the entry point if they take food stamps?!?" Since I was there for my friend, I kept my trap shut for as long as I could, then all the crap from the hellatious last 5 weeks I've been dealing with (a sick cat, a new tire that hit a pothole, throwing my back out not once but twice and not from anything FUN, learning I need to change my whole diet, elderly parents' issues, etc. etc. etc.) just bubbled up to the surface and I walked by said jerk and exclaimed "ass." Well, now the gauntlet was thrown and he decided to engage. "Excuse me?" Went up to his face and said "what is your problem? You have been following us since we came in and asked you about whether or not you take SNAP/ food stamps here. WHY?!? Because you think we don't have money?!?" Said shmuck exclaimed "You're making a scene and this conversation is over and now I ask you to leave or I will call the police." I had the ovaries to say "what for?" I was told because I was causing a scene, and I said, "oh no sir - YOU are causing the scene by crawling up my ass."
At that point, or probably before, I gave the schmuck exactly what he wanted - a reason to throw the "riff-raff" out of his upper echelon (sarcastic) crunchy granola establishment. I grappled with waiting for the cops so they could hear MY side, but "management" will always side with management, so I thought for a second and told my friend, "let's go." (She seemed upset that she had picked stuff out and actually wanted to purchase it and now could not). Then it actually got weirder when I said the proverbial "you are losing a good customer" line, and he shouted back "Is that right, ALLISON?" Of course I was like how does shcmucko know my name? HOW THE HECK DOES HE KNOW MY NAME? That is creepy stuff!!! His ugly face is plastered on the wall for all to see, but mine is not! I asked him and he said I remember you from the other store where you used to come in and ask for *italics* Frank (My mind spiraled down some crazy roads like, "did the one really cool guy that used to work here and no longer does do something shitty and now they think 'guilt by association)'?!?
So then jerkwad says to me "I make it a habit to know all my customers." I really wanted to have that smart ass response out - "Really? Then you should have had my cart filled a minute after I walked in." I just left stating "I didn't like you then, and I don't like you know. And by the way, you're a dick!" (Guess I won't be going back there, 'ey)?!?
[deleted]: Holy paragraph Batman!
Bobadibe: I gafawed at that!!!
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1401871613 | 1401879263 | t3_27a04q | t5_2to41 | 6 | swaglordtyrone: TIFU by owning a Bluetooth speaker
Well today I was a bit bored so I decided to have a wee wank in the bathroom. So I got all prepared and got my headphones and a good video and started playing it. But there was no sound in my headphones. I wiggled the headphone jack and stuff but still no sound... So I went to my settings and checked and fuck. I was connected to my Bluetooth speaker. Which was in the kitchen. With my parents. I turned off the sound and the video and went and awkwardly got my speaker while my parents eyed at me strangely... I've been hiding in my room for 3 hours now. Fml
Tl:Dr Tried to watch porn but ended up letting my parents listen to lesbians groaning
codalaw: This sounds oddly similar to that thing that one time, or something.
paganpoetryy: that thing that everyone saw like yesterday lmao
codalaw: There is going to that 1 guy who hasnt seen it and now feels left out.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1401868114 | 1401881445 | t3_279xl7 | t5_2to41 | 20 | sandmmaster: TIFU by turning on a fan
It was warm today so I turned on the ceiling fan in my two story apartment. We have an event to go to in a couple days, so my fashionable girlfriend, being who she is, is going all out trying on different outfits, pairing it with different shoes and jewelry - every single permutation possible. She comes downstairs, shows me an outfit, I tell her it looks great and then she heads back upstairs to repeat the process. Then I hear WHAM! THUNK! I run over what happened? She's sitting on the stairs with blood running down her face. I'm cool as a cucumber, but oh shit so much blood, so I lose my cool ohgodweshouldcall911youregoingtodie as I'm holding a towel to her head putting pressure on it. I half seriously ask her name, birthday, president, and where she is. Luckily she can answer them all. Long story short she was halfway up the stairs and leaned over to look for some jewelry downstairs and that's when the ceiling fan (metal blades nonetheless) hit her head. She had a 1 inch gash on her scalp, bleeding stopped after 15 min, no ER visit. I haven't told her I was the one who turned on the fan.
UPDATE: She's fine, cut healed nicely. Put hydrogen peroxide and neosporin on it daily. Took about a week.
happy_go_lucky_scamp: I feel as though the fan is to blame here, not the guy who turned it on
_AlvinsHotJuicebox_: I feel like she is to blame, you know, for putting her own head into a spinning fan
happy_go_lucky_scamp: I've completely misread this. I thought the fan had fallen.
How did she manage to put her head into a spinning fan?
OP is still innocent
| 4 | 5 | |
1401873067 | 1401899631 | t3_27a17w | t5_2to41 | 2,473 | Otaku_Metalhead: TIFU by slapping a spider instead of brushing it off. (I'm tagging this NSFL due to the mental image this story creates.
Well, my worst nightmare just happened, Reddit. I'm sorry for putting this evil on you. If you want to deprive yourself of sleep, continue reading. There is no turning back.
I was on my mom's balcony smoking a cigarette after having just smoked some weed. This is only relevant to the story because I was high, so this made everything that happened about ten times worse. I am no longer high despite only smoking 30 minutes ago. It should be noted that my mom's balcony is upstairs and there is no screen, and we are also next to some woods.
So I get thirsty and put out my cigarette, and walk downstairs to the kitchen. I grab a glass and then move over to the sink before washing it to drink out of. As I turn the faucet on and set the glass down, I feel something shift on my hair. It didn't *feel* like it was something big, it was only a light rustle. I'm a guy, so my hair isn't that long, but I guess it's long enough to not feel the giant wolf spider on my head. I didn't know what it was at the time of course, so I slapped my head pretty hard with my hand.
I look at my hand and see nothing. About a second goes by before I feel something *big* moving about in my hair. Think what it feels like to have a wasp fly into your hair and get trapped for a second. This time, I freak out and brush whatever the fuck is in my hair off my head backwards with quite a bit of force. I feel whatever it is then hit my neck and fall to the ground, basically *rolling down my back as it falls* so that I feel it every step of the way. When it hit the ground it made a sickening thud...I kind of jump to the side at the sink, and check the ground.
A wolf spider, curled up on its back and large enough to be a nickel, was on the ground As I realized what it was on the ground in horror, I felt a slightly *different* sensation on my head and neck. It almost felt like running water, but it was moving of its own accord and it was all over my head behaving much differently than water.
Putting things together quickly, I realized what was going on and screamed so loud I've lost my voice now.
Babies.
Fucking spider babies. Crawling all over my head and rustling through my hair. It was at this moment I was presumably granted mercy from the God I now firmly reject. I was right next to my sink.
I moved the couple of steps back to be in front of the sink, and thankfully the water was still running over the disposal side. I put my head under the stream and moved like a fucking hurricane to get those unspeakable monsters off my head. After what seemed like forever, I finally had all of them in the disposal and off my head. I then surged with victory and malice as I turned the disposal on, cutting them to pieces while I sprayed water in with the sink hose to ensure none could escape their fate.
/r/spiderbro, I demand a representative be sent to apologize for this HEINOUS violation of our so called pact with the spiders. This is fucking unacceptable. Every time the fan or wind slightly tustles my leg hair, or arm hair, or back hair, I am overcome with the fear that another spider is on me. I won't be able to sleep without imagining a spider drop onto my face from the ceiling.
Tonight, I think I will finally understand what those protesting Tibetan monks went through when they committed suicide by lighting themselves on fire. The only thing I can do now is set myself on fire and await death.
Tl;Dr Huge wolf spider goes unnoticed on my head until I feel it move. I slap at it once and don't kill it completely, only to have to brush it off a second later. Mommy is dead, but now hundreds of baby spiders crawl in my hair and my only recourse is to wash the little shits out in my sink then turn on the disposal. I will never feel clean again, and suicide is imminent.
el_crunz: As a human sitting in bed right now, this appalls me.
[deleted]: As a spider sitting in a mans hair right now this is genocide! I declare war on all humans!
ArtIsDumb: We can use fire as a weapon. You watch your eight-legged ass.
[deleted]: As with all oppressors you think your weapons will protect you, we will come for you in your beds as you sleep! For your children! For your dog! For any insects we happen upon! My name is legion, for we are many! Rise up my arachnid brothers! KILL THE MASTERS!
ArtIsDumb: We can produce methamphetamines to avoid sleep. We can make more children. We can breed more dogs. & if it comes down to it, we can destroy this entire fucking planet just to spite you. I suggest you stand down. You are provoking a fight that you simply cannot win.
[deleted]: The most recent spider census says their are an average of 80 thousand spiders per acre of earth and over 36 billion acres of land on this lovely little spider haven of a planet... You do the math.... Bring it on bitches.
ArtIsDumb: We are human. We may not be able to win, but we certainly won't let you win, either. Say goodbye to your precious planet, you bug-eyed bastards.
[deleted]: Mutually assured destruction never sounded so sweet, mark this as the day the war began!!!
ArtIsDumb: & so the battle begins. See you in hell, you creepy fucks!
[deleted]: "Ready your breakfast and eat hearty... For tonight, we dine in hell!"
-Michael Scott
[deleted]: ITT: mental retardation
| 12 | 206.083333 | |
1401873812 | 1401875927 | t3_27a1qx | t5_2to41 | 15 | WarmBrranket: TIFU by letting my girlfriend log into my email
If you know the youtube channel "simplepickup, you'd know that what they put up is not exactly family friendly.
I know that shit is often lewd, but I find it funny and outrageous and that's why I watch those kinds of things. So my girlfriend sees my youtube history and starts giving death looks through oovoo and started questioning me about the video with the field reporter getting a blowjob on live television. I used /r/videos as my excuse as to why I clicked around. She also saw all the segments I watched. And as I am typing this, we are having this really awkward silence on oovoo.
brritney: Are you serious
WarmBrranket: dead
brritney: Omg lol bless your soul. Obviously she doesn't have the same humor.
I just watched one of their videos and laughed really hard.
Good luck, my friend ;-;
WarmBrranket: Yeah, she was acting like she caught me watching porn yo.
| 5 | 3 | |
1401873054 | 1401905974 | t3_27a17i | t5_2to41 | 17 | amstelko2: TIFU by fucking with my hair
So yesterday i decided to get a new haircut,short on the sides long on top,and it looked pretty good.Then i decided i needed my sides to be trimmed a little shorter,so i got the electric trimmer and i started shortening the right side,when all of the sudden the batteries ran out,keep in mind that happens at 1 am,and i dont have any spare left.I had one my finals today,at 8 in the morning so i didnt have any choice but to go there looking like some retarded hipster
Promotheos: Hat
sameoldnigga: Yeah, this is a pretty logically decision to reach OP.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1401875354 | 1401915676 | t3_27a2vf | t5_2to41 | 32 | ddrum87: TIFU by telling a girl I'm really interested in that she's attractive
This weekend, I was hanging out with this girl I was seeing and things were going normal. Until we were alone in my room and she was asking me to be sweet to her. I'm sitting there telling her things like "you're beautiful" "you're gorgeous" "I like being with you" etc and then she just got this look on her face and rolled over and stopped talking.
I kept asking her what's wrong but she kept saying "nothing" and "forget about it". So I got upset about it which in turn made her more upset. Eventually she just came out and told me that she does't think I'm attracted to her anymore. And she left my house crying.
The next day I asked if she wanted to come over for a bon fire and I can try to make it up to her. After a lot of convincing, she finally agreed and came over. After her and I were finally alone, I blew it again. I didn't say anything convincing to her why I think she's attractive. It's not that there isn't anything. I find everything about her attractive. But she left my house crying once again and I made things worse.
Flash forward a couple days. I went over to her house and tried once again to convince her that she's beautiful. I told her everything. I include things about her personality and who she is in general. I would say she's "the most beautiful girl I have ever seen". But all of these things just seemed to make it even worse. I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. I find her very attractive. I can't put it in words the way she'd like but she means so much to me and it kills me. I don't know what I can do to convince her I like her and now she pretty much hates me and I think I ruined my chances completely and I might have even ruined her. Is there any advice for things I can say to somebody who feels like she has no attractive qualities to make her think differently?
LordCommanderCam: Sounds like my ex, worst year of my life
ddrum87: It's been almost a year and this transcribed within a weekend.
datraceman: My wife was this way when we first met and it has gotten amazingly better.
My wife was burned by a lot of guys who did the "I love you" but would cheat on her. So it took a lot for her to trust me and believe me.
If she's worth it, just be honest. Don't just say those words. Ask her why she thinks you don't believe what you're saying. Ask her to be 100% honest. More than likely, you'll find there's some walls up you'll need to tear down. If you can't tear 'em down, the relationship won't last. If you can, both of you will be stronger for it.
ddrum87: Yeah she was burned by her previous ex a lot of times and it kills me because she says he could at least make her feel better when she was down and feeling negative about herself and I just make it worse. She says I used to though which boggles my mind because nothing from my perspective has changed and I don't feel like I'm doing anything different. I'm glad you guys were able to work it out in the end though. How long have you been married?
datraceman: 2 years now. We dated for a year and half prior so we've been together 3.5 years total.
The issues kicked in about 4 months before we got married and were resolved within the first couple of months of marriage. What people don't tell you about dating versus marriage is in dating, when there's a problem distance develops between the two of you.
When you're married its in your face so you have to deal with it sooner rather than later.
The mistake I made was not addressing it in depth before we got married. Thankfully we loved each other and the self esteem get better the longer your together.
One thing my wife had to learn is that much as I love her and tell her so, she also must learn to love who she is.
She cannot rely on you to always be propping her up and making her feel better about herself. It will drain the energy and life out of you. So, you keep telling her she's wonderful and beautiful, then you do things to prove how much you love her. Find a little gift to pick up here and there. Surprise her for a quick lunch one day, etc.
Again though, I will reiterate. She has to decide she loves who she is too. If she doesn't, she has some depression issues and that must be addressed through counseling. If someone thinks that low of themselves, there is some deep rooted hurt in there that has to be dealt with not just for your relationship but ultimately for her to live a happy and fulfilling life.
ddrum87: That's true and that's kinda what I'm afraid of. She's had her share of issues but she's never been like this until this past weekend. Sometimes the problems can be resolved and it ends with people living happily ever after and other times maybe it's time to throw in the towel. Thanks for the advice.
| 7 | 4.571429 | |
1401864464 | 1401952340 | t3_279uf1 | t5_2to41 | 43 | hhhgggfffdddsss: TIFU by feeling "adventurous" while stoned
Wall of text warning.
Throwaway for obvious reasons. So some backstory here, I'm in my early 20's and just moved back in with my folks. I also come from a family of stoners; I would always be allowed to smoke with my friends in the backyard in high school cause my folks would rather see us do that shit in a safe area and not get caught. That being said, I couldn't sleep tonight and decided to get really really baked to put me to sleep. Loaded up my G Pen with a shit ton of wax and ripped it in my room til I was stoned off my ass. Browsed Reddit for a bit after and one of the NSFW subs I follow showed up. Decided to spank one out before goin to bed, so I gathered the tissues and headphones and went to work. Now, when I lived in my studio apartment I discovered the amazing orgasm that a male can achieve via prostate stimulation. Let me say in advance that I am a straight male, who is strictly attracted to women, and who also happens to enjoy occasionally putting items up my butt while beating my meat. Anyways, I decided tonight would be a night where I have a prostate stimulation orgasm. I grabbed my stimulator, slapped a condom on it, and put it right up my ass. I'm having an absolutely amazing jerk sesh, when I can just hear the door open over sound of Sophie Dee getting fucked playing from my headphones. Apparently my mom smelled the remnants of the G Pen and came in to give me shit for it, but instead walked in to see her son naked with basically a vibrator halfway up his ass while furiously masturbating. She let out a very loud "Oh my fucking god", which woke up my dad and 2 younger brothers. By the time they came down to see what was wrong I managed to turn the stimulator off and pull my blanket over me. My mom came in so clutch and told them that she saw a cockroach crawl into my room and yelled cause of that. Once they left she gave me a few minutes to get dressed and clean up before first asking if I'm gay. That evolved into a 5 minute long back and forth ordeal of me telling her I only like girls and her reassuring me that it's totally fine if I am gay. After that she finally left, saying that I can do whatever I wanted in that room, but strongly suggested that I bought a lock for the door. Breakfast tomorrow is going to be really fucking weird.
**TL;DR** got high, jerked off with a vibrator in my ass, mom walks in, thinks I'm gay and keeps telling me she still loves me even though I am not.
[deleted]: Well what you did was pretty gay
SnooSnooCookie: Enjoying butt stuff doesn't make you gay. Being attracted to men and wanting to have sex with men is gay.
| 3 | 14.333333 | |
1401877495 | 1401899914 | t3_27a4gg | t5_2to41 | 59 | CuddleBloom: TIFU by killing my roommate's pet.
I take care of a disabled man for a living and he has (had) two pet rats that he loves very much. Last night I gave them each a carrot stick and one of them dropped theirs and went after the other's. They do it all the time, I didn't think anything of it. I woke up this morning and went to feed them and check on how they were doing and one of them is laying in a strange position at the side of the cage. I poked it a few times with a pen I had laying around and it didn't move. She wasn't sick, so I'm assuming it's homicide. So far he hasn't noticed, I'm waiting for him to go to his day program so I can run up to the pet store and get a replacement.
TL;DR Started the Hunger Games in my roommate's rat cage.
Edit: I decided to tell him the truth. He didn't take it very well, but he seems to be getting over it fairly quickly. Thanks again for all the good advice.
snakemaggot: You didn't kill the rat but if he finds out you replaced it without his knowledge it'll look like you did. Probably better just to face the music.
HeartAndFist_: Maybe he's mentally disabled.
snakemaggot: If he loves the rats very much he deserves to know anyway; I certainly wouldn't want my feelings danced around like that.
| 4 | 14.75 | |
1401884100 | 1401903120 | t3_27aa8m | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving her my amazon password
TIFU: My live-in girlfriend wanted to buy some things using my amazon prime, so I gave her my password.
Well, a few months ago, when we were going through a rough patch, I joined an extra-marital affair website (even though we aren't married, not that it matters) and started a profile. I communicated with a few women and chatted with and spoke to one woman on the phone. It got pretty charged, sexually, and I ended up arranging a rendezvous with her (she lives a few hours away). In advance of the meeting, I was going to send her some lingerie that I ordered from amazon, so she gave me her address and I added it to my amazon account. I never ended up using that amazon account to send her anything (I thought I would be clever and make a new account), but it saved her address and I never erased it from the shipping address list.
While I did send her lingerie from the other amazon account, I never actually met up with her and cut off communication not long after. But my girlfriend saw her name and address pop up when she placed her own amazon order and she asked me who it was. I said, "I have no idea." I'm planning on telling her that it's my coworker's sister or cousin and that my coworker wanted to send her something and asked to use my amazon prime account.
Last night, when we went to bed, she slept turned away from me. I had a little trouble sleeping myself, but I blamed the heat. I tried my best to act like everything was normal last night and this morning, but we weren't cuddling or intertwined as usual when I woke up. I love my girlfriend. I tell myself that this other woman and the website was just a form of escaping a rough time in our relationship. I don't know if I should come clean or try the co-worker's sister/cousin story.
Deeder666: I hate when they sleep facing you they steal all your oxygen while you sleep.
DJFlabberGhastly: Are you my SO?
| 3 | 3 | |
1401885629 | 1401898271 | t3_27abw4 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by wearing a shirt with a college basketball team on it.
scienceandfaith: kinda like these people wearing t-shirts of bands that they never heard before.
okcomputerface: Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music he's created over the years, I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that.
| 3 | 1 | |
1401889192 | 1401905029 | t3_27ag9d | t5_2to41 | 62 | quickstop_rstvideo: TIFU by sending a text
Background: I am good friends with Fred, he starts dating Wilma. 5 years later Fred and Wilma are married, I am good friends with both of them, I am engaged to Betty and she has become good friends with both of them. Fred and Wilma are standing up in our wedding in a few months. Wilma voulunteers to help make center pieces and floral arraignments (we are having a low budget wedding doing most things ourselves) and as a wedding gift buy some of the supplies. Wilma gets carried away, without our knowledge and spends way more money then she originally says she is going to spend. (this caused a big fight between fred and wilma) Wilma is busy working full-time and going to school, she is also bad at planning/forgetful and in 5 weeks had to cancel plans with Betty 4 or 5 times. No one made a big deal out of it, Wilma felt bad apologized, Betty was fine with it (maybe a little annoyed but understood)
This happened a few days ago.......Betty and I are going out to the bar for her brothers birthday, Fred and Wilma are coming too. I get a text from Fred that Wilma isn't coming out, she is tired and fell asleep. I reply "she bails on Betty more then she hangs out with her" Poorly worded text I know, but I meant nothing negative by it, I just meant lately she has had to cancel a lot of plans with Betty. Fred knows his wife has had to do this too.
His reply was: I am not going to go out with you anymore tonight. You need to watch what you say about my wife. She spent a bunch of money on your wedding so don't ever tell me she fucking bails.
To which I said: Wilma volunteered to do that as a friend and we she spent that money without our knowledge and we even told her not to spend anymore money and she did anyways
His reply: fuck you find another groomsmen.
He then with in an hour unfriended and blocked me on Facebook deleted the text conversation so he can't show anyone and has told people that I insulted his wife he was defending her and is waiting for me to apologize.
TL:DR sent a poorly worded text and apparently ended a friendship of 12 years
mangage: Have you really been friends for 12 years, or are you guys just 12 years old... cause I can tell you which it sounds like.
quickstop_rstvideo: is this your first day on reddit?
mangage: omg i can believ u wud say that ur so mean! >:(
fuck you find another commenter
tifu: by stepping on OP's glass feels
quickstop_rstvideo: good we are done being reddit friends
GODDAMN_FARM_SHAMAN: HEY THAT'S MY WIFE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT
| 6 | 10.333333 | |
1401888563 | 1401902970 | t3_27afgs | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU By loosing my temper and trying to fight a friend in front of all my other friends
Ok so we are messing around in the dorms, and I am being chased for something of whatever, and my friend (Rick we'll call him) takes my jumper and says I'm throwing it out the window (FYI, It was raining really heavily outside, and I didn't want to have to trek it all the way outside to get it at this time of night/risk getting locked out of my room for being out past lockout). However the punishment was a slap barehanded on the back, so I walk off into my room, and go to go to bed, when Rick comes in and says he wants the slap. Ok whatever I agreed, but he wanted all the attention and everyone to see. He compromises, and I go out to collect the jumper, and Rick slaps me again in front of everyone (he got the laughs he wanted). Aaaannyway so a third entity (John) is joking around and saying he threw the jumper out the window, and everyone is laughing and agreeing saying that he did (in hindsight I should have checked), and Rick says to me 'are you going to get angry/get back at John?'. So me being me, my pride took over the better of me and I do try to fight him. I call him out to get it and when he refuses I headbutt him in front of everyone. It was only till after that words ensued that someone hands me back the jumper. (Well played I was.) So fuck. Everyone laughing at me and I was like fuck it. Time for bed, and John comes into my room bitching about me aloud so everyone can hear what he is saying. I brush it off whatever, but he seems intent on fighting to get back at me for what he thought was me embarrassing him. I wait 10 or so minutes, and go to his room (John) to apologise and try to sort it out. I thought that if I was the mature person and we talks it 1 on 1 that he would be somewhat rational/forgiving. Instead he comes out of his room trying to fight me again, and someone has to restrain him/send him back to his room.
It's not major, it's just very unlikely that I ever react in such a way, and it's not uncommon for people to pick on me/single me out and so forth. However I feel like a complete idiot because it was all my fault, and I should have just composed myself and been rational when there was a time for it. (I can quote Dad on that one). But yeah. I don't know what to do. I'll be seeing him in classes and around the campus all day tomorrow, we are in a small circle of group and it's not going to be the funnest thing to do. What do I do in such a situation?
Thanks
Rust
i_love_all: Smoke some weed, find new friends
DJFlabberGhastly: Proper advice.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1401892174 | 1401896183 | t3_27akkb | t5_2to41 | 5 | elemjay: TIFU by accidentally insulting someone's appearance
I shared this story in another thread a while back that got buried. This happened a few years ago.
I work in I.T. I was working with a client on a network rollout for new managed internet services for quite a few of their remote locations. We had to work with the customer-side engineer to make sure that traffic was fully operational on the new network. He had some changes he had to make on his end. It's also worth mentioning that I had this person on IM because it was his preferred method of communication, and this was not someone I had met in person. He was based in the Midwest. This engineer was a little crass at times, but nothing egregiously offensive. We got along pretty well.
One of my co-workers was having some difficulty with one remote site's migration. It was getting to the end of the business day, and I got an IM from the customer-side engineer.
"Tell [co-worker] to hurry the hell up. It's beer thirty, and he's beer blocking me."
I broke slightly from what should have been professional communication on my part. I wanted to respond in kind, and tell him to calm his happy ass down, but I went about it in a different way.
"He's working on it. Keep your hair on."
As soon as I hit Enter on that snarky IM, I remembered something that another co-worker mentioned after some BSing on the phone with the engineer one time while waiting on some testing to be completed.
The customer-side engineer is bald.
I immediately felt like an asshole. I started back pedaling immediately, advising him that this was just a figure of speech, and not a pot shot on his appearance.
Fortunately, the engineer wasn't offended, and was bald by choice. I can only imagine the shitstorm if I had made that comment to someone who was really sensitive about male pattern baldness, or worse, lost his hair due to some medical treatment. I eventually shared this story with my boss, and we had a good laugh over it, but at the time, I couldn't help but to feel like I dodged a bullet.
PoorMansSpeedball: Eh, that's not too bad. Most bald people I know embrace it. I'll be there in the next few years.
Although I can say I've never heard anyone say "keep your hair on" before.
fredinvisible: Really? It's not that uncommon a saying.
PoorMansSpeedball: I honestly don't know. Regional thing maybe?
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1401894482 | 1401927839 | t3_27ao0o | t5_2to41 | 17 | Gomebike: TIFU by Doing Volunteer Work
This was a few months ago, but I feel like sharing it now. At the time, I was a Senior Marking Specialist, my duties were SEO, SEM, Web development, and doing trade shows. Before I accepted this job, I worked at a Career Center teaching basic computer skills, resume writing, and several job search skills. I loved this job, but it didn't pay well and I had worked in digital marketing for 3 years prior, so when a job came open at a local manufacturing company I jumped all over it. When I was hired, I was told the position was flexible so I could go to my doctors appointments (I see a doctor on a regular basis because I have had seizures).
One afternoon I had a doctor's appointment at 3:30pm. I had cleared this with my boss weeks in advance. I worked through lunch (I normally do that anyway) and I put in hours at home normally so she agreed that things balanced out. My doctor's office is about 30-35 minutes from the office. I get in, seen quicly, and I'm out about 4:15. If I drove back to the office it would be at least 4:45 before I got there and we closed at 5, so I didn't see the point. The career center was 2-3 minutes down the road so I came in to help people with resumes until 6:00pm.
I started working with a lady and she asked me what I did outside of volunteer work. I told her about my job and she lit up saying that she had a good friend that worked there, my boss. Of course I said nice things about my boss and said I enjoyed working with her. We moved on and she made a lot of progress with her resume.
A few days later my boss calls me into her office. She was pretty pissed off at me and asked me what I was doing at the career center when I was supposed to be at work. She said her friend texted her and told her I was there. I reminded her that I had taken the afternoon off and that my appointment was faster than usual and since I had permission to take the entire time off, I just went down the street to volunteer at the career center. This did not satisfy her and she continued to chew me out and stated that I wasn't "Trustworthy" (which was BS seeing as she is never there and I always come in at 8 take 20 min for lunch and leave at 5).
A month later my boss is still pissed about this and when it came time for me to have dentist appointment, I figured I'd work through lunch all week to earn the right to leave an hour early. She quickly denied me, gave me a piece of paper stating that I may not miss another day for 6 months. I found this a bit unfair since when I was hired, she clearly told me that she was very flexible with doctors appointments (which is important for me to maintain my seizure-free status). I didn't feel comfortable signing this without an HR rep so I requested for a meeting to assure that all is fair. HR sided with me immediately stating that she could not do this. She actually got in trouble over it.
2 weeks later my boss told me that she was going to fire me if I didn't resign on the spot. She stated that she had never seen someone take such a nosedive in such a short time (dafuk?) The two things she sited was the volunteer incident and the fact that I misspelled an e-mail to her. Now, I know when someone is going to fire me, so I went to HR. I knew, from what my boss had told me, that her friend ( different person from above who worked there previously) had been laid off and she wanted to hire her back. The problem was that she couldn't hire her at my paygrade (yes she flat out told me this). She wanted to get rid of me, outsource my duties, and hire her friend (and this did actually happen after my departure) I am not going to be stuck somewhere where I'm not wanted and fear being fired. HR offered me a deal where I could still get my unemployment (and did). I took it.
I'm now unemployed and pretty depressed because I assumed it would be ok to spend my own time volunteering. The friend in this situation probably had no malicious intent, she probably just said it in conversation since I helped her. The good news is that I volunteer there more, might as well help someone instead of festering in my anger.
TL;DR Got let go from my job for doing volunteer work on my afternoon off.
Edit: Needed to clarify that the friends are 2 different people, I did not help the person who was hired nor did I know her.
goots: Depending on your state...man, you could have probably gone to court over this.
Gomebike: It's a right to work state. Unfortunately the law doesn't cover douchebaggery. It's completely and totally legal because that was considered unsatisfactory job performance.
GloomyShamrock: I think it's more of a grievance being filed, potentially from any of the people in the story affected(effected?) by you.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1401898654 | 1401899406 | t3_27ausw | t5_2to41 | 4 | plainalmonds: TIFU my car by trying to reverse out of a drive-thru
Not today, but a couple of weeks ago. It was my day off and payday. I had planned to practice shooting my handgun at an indoor shooting range about a 1.5 hour drive away, as I had my concealed carry test the next day.
Everything was going great! My pants were fitting better, my hair looked good, and I was feeling oh so productive. I went to the sporting goods store, and to my surprise, they had just received their shipment of ammo, so I was able to buy a good amount. They're usually out of the stuff I want. I even bumped into a new friend I had made at work.
About halfway to the shooting range, I get hungry and decide to stop at a fast food joint in a TINY little town. I decide to get out to order my food. The old lady at the counter was sweet, and this really cute gal complimented my outfit. GO ME, TODAY IS GOING GREAT!
Since the restaurant was really small, it had kind of a weird layout. There were arrows painted on the ground pointing towards the drive thru, and the parking lines were all angled the same way, so I thought it meant you could only drive in one direction: towards the drive thru. So I figured the exit was in a lane adjacent to the drive thru lane. I drive around, and nope, it's just a single lane. There was a car at the window, but since I was in a bit of a hurry, I decided to reverse out of there. At this point, I also saw a little boy run behind a wall by the drive thru speaker. I figure he's gonna pee or something, idk.
On the passenger's side of the lane, there's a massive drop, so I was being REALLY careful not to reverse down that side. When I turn to make sure that I don't hit anything on the driver's side of the car, I realize that I'm THIS close to hitting the drive thru speaker.
I panic and step down HARD, in order to stop keep from backing up to the speaker and one of those blue concrete poles that everyone scrapes up against w/ their cars.
Well, instead of hitting the brakes, I hit the gas. HARD. I hear the most terrible crunching and scraping noises and end up getting my car stuck between the pole and speaker (idk how). I'm sitting there, shocked, and I see this little kid with his open wide as hell.
I decide I'd better move my car quick, so to become unstuck, I had to put my car in drive and really accelerate my way out of it. This broke off my mirror and more terrible crunching ensued. I look over and see that I didn't cause any damage to the speaker, so I decide to get the fuck out of there before anyone else sees.
I quickly reverse out of there (correctly this time) and as I'm shifting into drive, I hear that sweet little old lady's voice saying, "Welcome to such and such fast food place, can I take your order?"
NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE
My car was still drivable, but man did I really screw it up. Deep scratches, blue and yellow (how?) paint, broken mirror, broken door handle, dented ass doors, and fucked up front tire.
I still feel like a dumbass, but I'm able to laugh at it. I ended up using the money I would have spent to fix my car as down payment for a new car. I left my old car to my mom, and she fixed it up and gave it my older brother, because his car died on him. Looks like it all happened for the best!
hardcorvd: so you smashed your car and then you get yourself a new one?
plainalmonds: In a nutshell, yeah I guess. I bought that car AND finished paying it off on my own during my sophomore year of college. It was hard to let go of that, but now my brother and I both have reliable cars.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1401901371 | 1401930924 | t3_27azii | t5_2to41 | 5,983 | rei-dog: TIFU by leaving my reddit account signed in on my gay friend's laptop
I am still on his account and going to subscribe to every gay porn subreddit I can find. Sorry kiddo, love you
rei-dog: Fuck you George!
rei-dog: hahahaha
3h8d: no you don't understand, he *loves* you
camahan: now kiss.
Gastrodumb: *Camera rolling*
Come on... People pay top dollar for this...
camahan: Your wish is [their command](http://i.imgur.com/R3mSgQb.gif).
thejustchad: Happy Cake Day! :D
camahan: Thank you, I tried whoring out my cats... For some reason, I don't know the cake day formula for success. I think I may have to resort to props.
thejustchad: well maybe this will help :D http://i.imgur.com/Mz7K3WV.png
camahan: [Can't tell if stalking, or being super generous with votes.](http://i.imgur.com/GsYfeIh.jpg) Thanks none the less.
thejustchad: More of a plan that sounded great sounded great at inception, incrementally increase up votes for each cake day I see, and is now really starting to wear out my clicky finger LOL, so 104 on the next one LOL
camahan: Thank you :D
| 13 | 460.230769 | |
1401901755 | 1401912138 | t3_27b07f | t5_2to41 | 0 | sunglassesonmydick: TIFU by sleeping with my roomates best friend.
This has been happening for a couple months now, but I'm still currently dealing with it and recently it started getting under my skin a little bit.
I am a female 22 years of age. A few months ago, one of my very good friends, I will call him "Jon", got his house foreclosed. I recently left my fiance and have my own apartment. I decided to let him move in. He has a best friend who I shall call "Timmy". Now, Timmy went to high school with us but we were never friends until Jon moved in. He currently stays here a few nights a week because of work and I also gave him a key to come and go as he pleases, just to make it easier on him, and because we trust him. A couple months ago he mentions he wants to jack off. He does right in front of me and he asks me if he can hold me while he jerks off. I agree thinking that he was sweet, get horny watching and I end up giving him a blow job. As the next couple months go by we continue messing around while my roomate is at work, eventually going from foreplay to rough sex. He likes belts, choking, role-reversal, calling one another dirty names and a long list of other very sexy, kinky things. He also likes to talk, and cuddle, kiss and do puppy love type things. VERY sweet.
Now, I absolutely LOVE the shit out of hooking up with him. But first problem, my roommate's only rule is that I don't sleep with Timmy. He knows I'm very sexually active and like to have multiple partners. He was worried I would try to pursue Timmy but I just gave him this look and said "Why would I fuck your best friend? That's fucked up you would even think I would do that. I don't want to ruin your friendship or his relationship." He said he was just being crazy and stupid and apologized for even thinking that way. He doesn't suspect anything as far as I'm aware. The theory was quickly debunked in his head. And second problem, Timmy's had a girlfriend for six months and she has a child. (Not his baby though) We've both agreed we have fun secretly hooking up. Also, to keep it a quiet and not let it ruin our friendship if we decide to stop. Because we spend a lot of time alone together and also have a good sexual relationship, we've also became very close. I would say he's my best friend as well. Just an all around good guy.
One night Jon and I were drinking. Just a normal night. But...Jon gets fucking ANGRY when he drinks. Also..emotional as well. Timmy was passed out on the couch after a long day of work and Jon was drunk rambling about how he's upset he losing his best friend. Of course I ask him to elaborate and after about five minutes of talking he starts crying. He's been very stressed out lately and he's depressed because of all life's bullshit. He starts crying louder and with more tears as he tells me about how alone he is. He told me he can't have a heart to heart with Timmy like I can. That he's not close to him like I am. Etc etc. He's not upset at me by any means. He believes Timmy has just been too busy for him lately and that they're both working too much to spend bro-time together. Which, by no means is that untrue, but it doesn't have much to do with the actual reason he's been so distant.
The whole time he was talking..everytime he would cry and say, "Why aren't him and I best friends anymore?" Or "I feel alone and he doesn't treat me the way he treats you. I don't understand." All I wanted to do was look him in the eye and shake him and scream at him, "its because I'm fucking Timmy!" But......I can't of course. I can't ruin my friendship with Jon, and I definitely can't ruin the relationship between Timmy and his girlfriend. Especially with a baby in the picture. I don't want to fuck anything up for anyone. I'm not really looking for advice, I just wanted to vent. I'm SO good at dealing with stress but it's been eating at me lately. The fucked up part is I don't want to stop and neither does he. He's aware how Jon feels and we're both okay with it. What you don't know won't hurt you right? It turns us on even more that we're not supposed to be doing it. I haven't figured out yet if this makes us bad people or not. Maybe we're just extra adventurous.
tl;dr: My roomate starts crying because he doesn't understand why I'm closer to his best friend than him...but he doesn't know I've been fucking his best friend behind his back for a couple months now..and I don't want to stop.
antibeen: > A couple months ago he mentions he wants to jack off. He does right in front of me and he asks me if he can hold me while he jerks off. I agree thinking that he was sweet...
Ummm no, sorry. This entire *story* is unbelievable from this point on. You go from giving him a key, to him requesting to sweetly hold you while he whacks it... Get real.
sunglassesonmydick: If you read it I said 'currently' then flashedback to a couple months ago. You don't have to believe me. But if I wanted to post a fake story I wouldve posted it in a short story subreddit or something. I'm just venting. I really don't care what people want to think. But I will take the time to point out that someone doesn't quite understand what I'm going through has no room to criticize. But that's just my opinion.
antibeen: Sure thing.
Reminds me of when I was younger... I was in a burrito shop and suddenly had the urge to pull out my cock. I did so, and requested that my lovely mexican server let me tenderly blow in her ear while I pumped my meat. She was so overcome by the sweetness of the gesture, that she gave me keys to the shop so I can jerk off there whenever I want!
I'm so glad there are women like you, who can see the endearing side of sweetly holding someone while crankin one out...
sunglassesonmydick: Hahaha. Yeah..okay. What the fuck is so surprising about a woman giving a man a key to her apartment? It's for when I'm not here and he needs in. He's our good friend. He spends a lot of time here.
antibeen: Why do you keep downvoting yourself?
>What the fuck is so surprising about a woman giving a man a key to her apartment?
Haha I like how it's the keys part you can't understand. Everything else in my scenario just seems normal to you eh?
"Yeah I can see how she'd want him to blow in her ear while he jacks it!" ....
sunglassesonmydick: My friend thinks its funny to take away the upvote. I don't feel like fixing it.
>Haha I like how it's the keys part you can't understand. Everything else in my scenario just seems normal to you eh?
I just know that's probably not a true story. I just didn't quite understand it I guess. My bad.
| 7 | 0 | |
1401903457 | 1401912465 | t3_27b36k | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by quoting Billy Madison.
I'll be honest, this happened a few weeks ago.
I'm a waitress and I was working a busy Sunday brunch shift. We were full and there was a 25 minute wait to be seated, so there was a crowd of people standing by the door. I ventured up to the hostess's podium to ask her a question and overheard a young boy, also a regular customer, exclaim, "O"DOYLE rules!" to his family who he was waiting with. I smiled to myself and went back to work.
A few minutes later I was delighted to see the host seat OD RULES boy and his family in my section. For their entire meal I was trying to think of subtle lines I could drop to let OD RULES boy know I had heard him quoting Billy Madison earlier and that it was one of my favorite movies. I was running out of family-appropriate quote ideas when their meal came to an end.
I dropped the check off to the table and noticed OD RULES boy get up to go to the bathroom. I waited for him to come out, stopped him, and blurted, "If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis!"
There was shock and then horror in his eyes. He furrowed his brow, and then replied with a quiet, "ummm, okay?" before literally sprinting back to his table. He took a quick seat, and hurriedly whispered a few words to his mom and dad, as well as the rest of his group. They all looked over at me in disgust, quickly grabbed their things, and then stormed out.
I rushed after them to explain my mistake, but it was too late. They were gone.
I ventured back to the table to see that they left a 10% tip. They haven't been back since. Needless to say, OD RULES boy did NOT get the reference.
[deleted]: In second grade I 'quoted' (for the lack of a better term) Billy Madison.... First time a teacher ever called home. Teacher was taking attendance and when my name was called I let out the most vigorously explosive fart imaginable. I took making a fart noise with my mouth to a new level.
PlacentaSandwich: That's the greatest thing I've ever heard. I'll bet you became a legend among your classmates that day.
[deleted]: I just remember hearing one thing said. The Asian kid in the corner said "no" in disappointment and everything was silent.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1401903721 | 1401905909 | t3_27b3o1 | t5_2to41 | 116 | PM_ME_PL2: TIFU by emailing the wrong cover letter
Well this was a horrifying little incidence of up-fuckery that happened last week.
My hours got slashed at my current job, which I'm starting to hate anyway, so I've been on the hunt for a new one. There's a big place downtown where everyone tries to get hired. You don't need a college-level education and it's basically just desk work. The pay is good and it beats the pants off any other high-school level job around here, so naturally they are always swamped with applications. I've applied there numerous times in the past and never even gotten a phone call.
Anyway, I was at the bar, and I found myself discussing my job situation with a guy sitting next to me. As luck would have it, he works for the company that I've been trying to get into for years. He told me he could give human resources my name and number on Monday if I was interested. Of course I was! I gave him my info and thanked him a million times.
The next day, while nursing my hangover, the phone rings and it's a lady from the HR department of the company. I told her I hadn't had a chance to submit an application and she said no worries, just send an email with a cover letter and resume and they would call me back for an interview time. I was stoked!
So, I type up a brief email and attach the relevant files. This is where I fucked up. I accidentally attached the rough draft I had typed up a few months ago for this company in the event that they called me back. Now, this normally wouldn't be a huge deal, but I get really nervous when it comes to writing cover letters and interviewing and all that stuff. Like, incredibly, ridiculously, borderline panic attack nervous. And, as luck would have it, I deal with this nervousness with a sense of humor. A very sexual, fucked up sense of humor.
I basically wrote a rough draft with a bunch of sexual stuff to keep me from getting nervous, and then edited it into its final form where things were obviously much more professional.
I accidentally emailed the seedy rough draft.
Holy fuck.
I have not gotten a call back and do not expect one. God damn it.
Here's the letter with personal information redacted.
-------------------------------------
ROUGH DRAFT
Whatever the fucking date is, 2014
Dear Mr./Ms. Tiddly-cock,
I am interested in the sexual position advertised in whateverfuckingnewspaper at [redacted], the magical land of sluts and boners. I feel that I have a number of skills that would be beneficial to your firm. Sexy, kinky skills.
I am currently employed as a [redacted] at [redacted]. In this current position, I am repeatedly fucked in the ass by my superiors. The constant feeling of half-hard baby cocks wiggling around in my anal cavity has helped me to learn how to be patient. I must also constantly deal with shitbuckets that I believe are called "customers." These gross little fuckers have helped me to acquire customer service skills over the past [x] years.
[next paragraph redacted, contains too much job-specific info]
I hope you will consider me for this position. At the very least I hope for a pity-fuck with a hot HR manager. I look forward to meeting you and further discussing my qualifications, if you get what I mean.
Sincerely,
[x]
------
This is what I sent HR.
I think I'm going to call out of work and go drink now.
[deleted]: Dude, I've tried to think of something to add here, be it a witty comment in search of up votes or something sympathetic to make you feel better, but I am flummoxed.
I think you should chalk this one up to foolishness, accept that you are a complete freak, and go get drunk. That is all...
PM_ME_PL2: I don't disagree. Time to get shitfaced and accept that the future is always changing anyway. And then get more shitfaced.
[deleted]: Hey, if it matters remind yourself that you are young and still have plenty of chances to FU before things start to really matter.
And who knows, at minimum shell have a great story to tell, and she might even ask you out!
| 4 | 29 | |
1401906308 | 1401947216 | t3_27b832 | t5_2to41 | 38 | iwillcallyoudude: TIFU by Googling a new hire at the office
So a couple of new hires started at my office today and per my usual routine, I Google searched all of them. Typically, I will do this to see what their credentials are through Linked In, see if we have worked with any common people in the past or perhaps know each other through a friend of a friend or something on Facebook.And really, so see if there was any dirt out there on them. Yeah, perhaps a little stalkerish, but these are the times we live in.
Anyway, the first two were nothing special, typical 'this is my work history' through LinkedIn and 'these are my friends' through Facebook/Google+.
The last one was a woman and when I looked her up, I got a bunch of hits. I clicked on the <her full name>.com link and it took me to an amateur MILF porn site. Oh shit! Seems the newly hired woman either has the same name as an online amateur MILF porn actress, or she is, in actuality, THE amateur MILF porn actress on the site I accidentally clicked to. I have not met her yet, so no idea what she looks like, but if she turns out to be the same woman, that will make for an awkward moment at the meet and greet later today.
Either way, any porn is a severe violation of company internet content policy and can get you railroaded out on your ass, so get me the fuck away from this site as soon as possible. Before I could click back or close the window, I got a company pop up on my computer, stating this site has been flagged for content violation. Double shit! Knowing some of the dudes in tech support, I know that they get a report of all instances where employees click on anything banned under their content policy. Hope my name is not on it.
Since security has not come to walk me out of the building, I am guessing this is a non issue, but it certainly makes me a little nervous.
TL:DR - Googled woman at the office which led me to an amateur MILF porn site that may have triggered the 'someone is watching porn at the office' alert down in IT.
Benjabenja: So, you now need to tell us if it was actually her.
iwillcallyoudude: The problem is that I could not get a good enough look at the pics on the website before the office content police blocked it, so all I really know is the girl on the website was a blonde, naked MILF, which I am sure she won't be at the office.
My guess is that the girl on the website is using a fake porn name that just so happens to be the same as the real name of the woman who got hired at the office. One can only assume that a project manager who moonlights as an amateur MILF would not use her actual name on her personal porn site.
But who knows? I have seen dumb people do dumb shit like that before.
camahan: Look it up again later, when you are not at work...
Creat84fun: Ikr op is acting like his work is the only place that has access to the Web
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1401907669 | 1401968799 | t3_27bajv | t5_2to41 | 41 | [deleted]: TIFU by loaning a "friend" $2600
Alright guys I got a long story. Not sure if this is the best place to go for help and advice, but I need to get this off my chest and see what others would do. Plus it's a huge fuck up so I would like to share.
Alright so back story. Me and this girl were close friends since the beginning of the year. We met at the place we both worked at the time and pretty much hit it off. She showed a lot of interest in me from the beginning, but I was stupid and naive and didn't really realize it at the time. We flirted and we texted each other constantly, but I just thought she wanted to be friends. You see shes 23 and has a 2 year old and I myself have never even had a girlfriend before. Plus, I'm 21 and I live with my parents so what the hell would I have to offer her? She lived with her parents too, but I still never thought a beautiful girl like herself would want to date me. Oh, and she kinda had a boyfriend. Anyway, about two months go by and were both working at different places and she was single so we started hanging out. I didn't take long for me to develop feelings for her and I started thinking she felt the same way about me. Anyway me, her, and her daughter hung out a few times, and one of the times we kissed (my first) and I asked her out. She said she was nervous and had to think about it. We still remained close friends after that, but she wouldn't go out with me and she would never tell me why. And every time we made plans something would happen at the last minute so I eventually came to the conclusion that I was being lead on so I stopped trying to date her. More time goes on and believe or not she got a job at the the place I work at now and the flirting and texting picked back up to an all time high. I took it as a sign that I should try harder. We started talking again and I almost got her to hang out with me again, but my car didn't start at the last minute so I was the one who had to cancel. A short time after that she apparently had a falling out with her parents so we never got a chance to reschedule. And then one night I got a bright idea that I would leave roses and a letter on her car right before she got out from work. This happened to be Mother's Day night, but guess what happened? She got out of work early and saw me. What are the odds right? So I just stood there and gave her the roses and the letter and proceeded to try to get her to date me. I tried pouring my heart out to her but she wouldn't let me. She told me I was making her nervous again and that we would have to make plans sometime soon and talk it out first. That never happened. Then I went behind her back and talked to her bestfriend to try to see what was up. Thanks to her, I found out she was seeing someone else so I gave up and we stopped talking to her.
Alright so now were up to speed. About a week after I found out she was with someone else she started texting me again. She told me her bestfriend didn't know the full story and that him and her were just friends. Me being a dumbass believed her and we kinda starting talking again. I figured the dude used her or broke her heart or something and that's why she was coming back to me. But not too long after that she texted me something crazy. This was on May 18th and she told me she needed $2600 by May 20th or she was gonna go to jail. She said she had a 4th degree assault charge from a year ago and that's what she needed to cover it. The "fine" was larger than that and she said she got all her money out of her savings and her parents helped her some, but she needed $2600 from someone or she would be fucked. Oh, and I forgot to mention this girl is the BEST liar in the world. She had a detailed story and I figured there's now way she was making it up. She basically told me she was a lot different a year ago and that one night she beat the fuck out of a woman she knew for calling her an unfit mother and talking about her daughter and wound up getting charged. Now, I wasn't gonna loan it to her at first and she made like she didn't want me to either, but then she started pulling on my heart strings. Plus, she said wrote me a letter the night I gave her one and she was dying to give it to me so I decided to meet up with her and hear her out.
So now it's May 19th and I meet up with her. She starts giving me this sob story and starts telling me how her parents are crazy and that she would lose custody of her daughter (who I loved to death) if she went to jail. I was pretty hard her on told the only way you would get that money from me is if she were to sell her car to me or something, but she told me she couldn't do that. Then that's where she starting messing with my heart. She told me she finally realized what she had with me and gave me the letter. Once I saw the letter in her hand nothing else began to matter. I would have given her all the money I had if that's what she needed. I then told her I would withdraw the money from my account and loan it to her after work. I was off that day and she was fixing to go to work. She thanked me and told me she had a way to get the money back in 10 to 20 days. And of course I believed her. She went off to work and that's when I read that fucking letter. Basically it said that she loved my letter and that she had feelings for me, but she couldn't date me because she had too much going on and that it wouldn't be fair to me if she brought me into her crazy life at the moment. That's when it all made sense. I put two and two together and thought the reason she didn't want to date me all this time is because she thought she was going to jail soon. So I happily withdrew the money and spent all day texting her and thinking about our future together. We met up that night and we talked about so much and everything felt so right. I gave her the money and told her she could have as much time she needed to pay me back but she assured me she could get it back in 10 to 20 days so that's what we agreed to. Then I finally poured my heart out to her and asked her out again and she said yes. Yep that's right I finally had a girlfriend that I thought cared about me and I was the happiest guy in world...
That lasted about a day. We made plans that I would come over to her house and eat dinner with her family the next night, but of fucking course something came up at the last minute. That's when the suspicion set in. I then texted her bestfriend and she told me she was still with that guy and that she hasn't said anything about me at all. Then I looked up the guy she was supposedly dating and saw where him and her were hanging out that day. She was tagged in the post and everything and when I asked her about it she said she didn't know what I was talking about. Then I asked her about the money and she stopped texting me. That's when it all set it. I got played and I was out $2600 if I didn't do something soon. So the next day I got in contact with her Mother and told her everything. She told me there were no charges and that she had in fact been running around with that guy for few weeks now and they hated him. She believed my story and promised me they were gonna sale her car that they owned the title to and get my money back. She also encouraged me the press charges on her own daughter and said she would try to help me figure out what she did with the money. So that was two weeks ago. Since then I don't think anyone has tried buying the car and I'm not sure if they are even trying to sell it or not. I've been trying to figure out what she done with the money and I'm pretty sure I got it figured out. That guy shes dating has a picture on facebook of him driving a Honda 450r. I did some researching and I figured out they can run $6000 new and anywhere between $1000-$5000 used. And he got it not long after I loaned her the money so I'm pretty sure that's what they did with it.
So yeah the girl I thought I loved tricked me into loaning her $2600 and pretended to date me so she could buy her boyfriend a fucking racing 4 wheeler because I was being a dumbass. My heart hurt for a bit but I'm over that now and all I want is money back so I can move on to the next chapter of my life and try to find someone who really cares about me. I can't figure out what was real and what wasn't because this girl isn't the girl I thought she was. I've learned a lot about her from her bestfriend (who I turned against her) and her Mother and lets just say I dodged a bullet. She played sweet and innocent around me and that's what attracted me to her. But she's like the exact opposite and feel so bad for daughter. Oh, and she recently got fired and she hasn't really communicated with me since the incident.
Anyway, I need some help /r/tifu. What would you do? This girl got $2,600 from me and I busted my ass off in retail to earn it so I'm gonna do whatever it takes to get it back. I know I could press charges. I don't have proof the money was a loan because that was a verbal agreement, but I do have texts on my phone where she thanked me for giving her the money and saving her from going to jail. I also have that letter and a bank statement. I doubt the cops could help me so I guess I'll have to take her to small claims court or get a lawyer or something because I've tried everything to reason with her and she won't text me back. Anyway, thanks for reading and thanks to anybody who can give me advice on my fuck up.
**Tl;dr:** A girl used my heart and tricked me into loaning her $2600 for an assault charge that didn't exist.
[The Letter](http://i.imgur.com/KsiBNbE.jpg)
[Bank Statement](http://i.imgur.com/oTtAiIf.png)
Eat_The_Muffin: Well you were stupid, if you'd seen Peep Show you would know that this is what people do.
What happens next depends on you. If you believe in laws then you could pay to try and get it back, if not then you could use a variety of methods to get it back
LaCalaveraTapatia: Such a good show.
Eat_The_Muffin: I know I watched all 7 series in just a few days
It's amazing
LaCalaveraTapatia: Yes, it is *that* addictive. They are so ridiculous, but, realistic enough to make it surreal. It doesn't fall into the trap shows like **The Office** often do, where it is just jokes around the romantic drama of a couple. They kept being selfish, awesome assholes.
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1401907458 | 1401970079 | t3_27ba5i | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by ruining a new car and voiding my warranty
I purchased a 2012 Kia Sorento in July of 2012 (our first new car!). A few days ago, I punched the accelerator when turning out of a parking lot. The car shuddered, let out a big puff of smoke, and the Low Oil Pressure light came on. Now I'm no dummy, and I know that low oil is very bad, so I immediately turn in to an auto supply shop and grab some oil to put in the car. When I open the oil cap, it's covered in thick oil tar and is smoking. It suddenly dawns on me that I don't remember ever changing the oil in the car. The Kia is my wife's car, and I've always changed the oil in both cars, so I never noticed I'd been skipping one....
I put 20,000 miles on the car without ever changing the oil.
One of the main reasons I bought this particular car was the great warranty Kia offered; 5 year 60k mile bumper to bumper, and 10 year 100k power-train. Only one simple caveat to that warranty: YOU HAVE TO CHANGE THE FUCKING OIL.
Now I'm burning oil in the car at a rate of roughly a quart every 300 miles. I'll have to have the engine rebuilt which will cost 5-6k? Maybe more?
I also realized I could have done almost anything else to the car and been in better shape. Slam it straight into a brick wall at 30mph? No problem! Insurance will get that. Leave it in the worst part of town with all the doors wide open and keys in the ignition? Just out my deductible! But forget to change the oil? Pay out of pocket to fix it AND everything else that goes wrong from now on, because you just ripped that warranty to shreds, and insurance covers nothing.
Also, I turn 30 this year, so I really should know the most basic fact of car maintenance by now.
TokesNoMo: 20,000 miles without changing the oil is not good but it certainly won't kill the engine. I am fairly certain that your issue is unrelated to the lack of oil changes. Try not to self-diagnose problems with your vehicle, it only leads to stress and makes it easy for a dishonest mechanic to swindle you. Don't go to your dealership and tell them you fucked up by not changing the oil, you're just giving them ammunition to deny a warranty claim. I've personally seen running vehicles with over 100,000 miles that have never seen an oil change. They don't run well, but they run.
I have a few questions:
-Was the car brought in for routine service at any point since you got it?
-Has the car ever been dealer-serviced?
-Did the dealership or service department review the vehicle's maintenance schedule with you upon purchase?
-Is the engine direct injected or turbo charged?
I would guess that your vehicle probably came with an engine full of synthetic oil which tends to necessitate more frequent changes. However, its synthetic nature makes it less likely to leave grime and carbon deposits in your engine which in your case is a plus. The point is, although it is likely suggested to change the oil every 7500 miles, you can usually get away with changing it less frequently. You certainly aren't the only one to forget about changing the fluids, I've done it myself.
My suggestion would be to get your oil changed by a reputable shop as soon as possible. Changing your own oil or having a non-dealer shop do it will not void your warranty. With clean oil in the engine, take your vehicle to the dealership service department and explain what happened, excluding your assumptions about what caused it. It frankly wouldn't surprise me if you had a leaky oil line or a failing gasket. There are hundreds of things that could have caused the issue you described, so don't throw in the towel so quickly.
Whobeyourdaddy: one small point here- Synthetic oil does not necessitate more frequent changes, in fact, if the car came with fully synthetic, I'd say 20,000 miles is too long to wait, but not outside the realm of synthetic protection provided that you weren't burning oil or leaking oil. The rest of the post here is what I would do, change the oil and filter, take it to the dealership, and let them attempt to diagnose the problem, you are not obligated to fix it, just pay for the diagnosis and see if they will make a warranty claim. Remember, the dealer wants your business, they will fight with the warranty company if they are a good dealer and want your business.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1401910728 | 1401910929 | t3_27bg2h | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting someone into my house who claimed he grew up here and he took my holiday savings and left
Guess who's not going to France next month after about a year of being excited. Yep, me. Watched him as he left as he seemed kinda shady, nice enough guy though......he got in his car, pulled the tin out of his jacket and drove, fuck, 500 euros in there :'(
asharkey3: Well I'm not even going to offer condolences. That was just plain dumb.
cjmk: Not really? He seemed genuine. And he did it well. Would say too welcoming if anything...
asharkey3: Well I guess that's the difference between you and me. I'm just not going to let a stranger in my home because they said they grew up there. Inviting disaster. Perhaps I'm just paranoid though.
| 4 | 1 | |
1401902600 | 1401911279 | t3_27b1o8 | t5_2to41 | 9 | shnerd: TIFU: by cutting my food open on a can
I tried to squash my bins down with my foot and didnt see the can in there, I then bled EVERYWHERE!
tl;dr: im an idiot
Voyager5555: I generally find a knife works for cutting my food.
shnerd: I feel like an idiot now...
| 3 | 3 | |
1401910763 | 1402036510 | t3_27bg5a | t5_2to41 | 117 | xfallxoutxgurlx: TIFU by doing a Fiber One brownie competition the same day I started my period.
So at work three guys and myself all bet we could eat the most fiber one brownies. We're eating one brownie every 20 minutes that way we can give our bodies time to react and know when to quit. We're also drinking a ton of water because we looked up the side effects of what could happen if you don't. (You could die from this.) Well one guy dropped out at #7 so only 2 guys to go, then we just did round #14 and I'm not feeling too hot. Another guy drops out. My whole department is cheering me on, they never guessed I would make it this far.
But I'm getting scared. I'm not even farting. I used the restroom to pee and low and behold, mother nature decided to visit 3 freaking days early! (I did this competition to prove I was just as good as the guys in the first place. Thanks mother nature for reminding me that I am in fact a girl after all). So, double whammy! So now when these brownies do finally hit me I'm looking at a disaster. My stomach is starting to gurgle and tighten up and I'm starting to think I should just give in but I soooo want to win.
I also have a 30 minute drive home at the end of the day so if it hits then....well, I guess you could say I'm in deep shit. Literally.
Wish me luck guys! I hope to update you with good news! (Like that I lived and my toilet is still in one piece.) Pray for my butt hole!
UPDATE: Well we bumped it up to every 10 minutes and after #20 I gave in. I'm proud to say it wasn't because of stomach pains but because I was literally so full I was afraid one more brownie and I was gonna puke! We played the Olympic victory music as my coworker was awarded the trophy, we're all very proud of him. And my department is very impressed that I made it this far. After the 'awards ceremony' I went and threw up for about 10 minutes but don't worry there are tooth brushes in the locker room so I brushed my teeth. Thanks for the support, I'm sure tonight will be a blast when the remaining fiber makes it way through my body, but its cool I have an ipad and still reddit from the toilet.
Nylad: Man, this reminds me when my friend told me about period shits...learning that such a horror existed in the world made me grow up pretty fast
I wish you luck and a tight butthole.
iHustleu: I'm kind of afraid to ask... but what is a period shit?
Nylad: To be horribly blunt it's when a girl takes a big shit and her period 'drips' on to it, forming a monstrosity no man can imagine
AvengerGeni: While that certainly is creative, that's not what most women are talking about when it comes to period shits. As if bleeding and cramping aren't enough, we also get diarrhea so we don't know if the cramping we're feeling is from the period or if we need to take a shit. So yeah, be glad you're a guy and don't have to deal with it.
Nylad: I'm not sure, do women have to deal with that ninja pee that hides in your penis until you've pulled up your pants, then it drips out to make it look like you've slightly peed yourself when you INTENTIONALLY tried to squeeze out every drop of pee from your wang so that EXACT scenario DIDN'T end up happening BUT IT DOES ANYWAY, BECAUSE YOUR DICK HATES YOU?
Bilgerman: You're forgetting the wonderful dual-stream function penises have an hour after ejaculating that causes you to look like a sprinkler system gone haywire. But yeah, I'd still take that over the bleeding/cramps/rabid poop action.
[deleted]: What?
Bilgerman: Basically, about an hour after ejaculating, there is still a little bit of super sticky semen in the peen hole. This gets somewhat hardened and causes the hole to stick together in the middle, thus creating the highly pressurized two-stream scenario mentioned above. Sometimes you get lucky and the two streams just happen to be toilet-width apart, but more often than not, you pee on your shoes.
[deleted]: Sounds like you guys have to clean up better
Bilgerman: It's not a tube of toothpaste, I can't just squeeze up from the bottom to force it all out. The goop just kinda stays in there until the first pee flushes it out and it can be very difficult to pee right after sex.
| 11 | 10.636364 | |
1401909711 | 1401912400 | t3_27be9b | t5_2to41 | 58 | DanHero91: TIFU by pretending to be WWE Champion.
As you can tell from the title, I am a wrestling fan. That’s not the fuck up. I wish it was. Since I was a kid I’ve wanted a WWE Championship replica belt, I begged for it every year but my family was just never in the monetary position to afford it. Now I’m older and have a job that allows me to have a little side-money that I make one ridiculous purchase a year. This year, my purchase was the WWE Championship belt, despite now being in my mid-twenties, I got ridiculously happy and actually wore it around my apartment for three days before finding a place for it, I only took it off because my girlfriend started to worry.
Since we moved into the apartment we’ve had a chair by our living room window, we haven’t found an actual place for it so it’s just sort of stayed there, one day I woke up, realised my SO was at work, and thought “Well, now’s a perfect time to be champion again.” I grab the championship, hoist myself up onto the chair like it’s turnbuckles, raise the belt above my head. And then I realise what I’ve done...
I sleep in the nude and there is a window behind this chair.
What I didn’t mention before, because for comedic effect it works better here, is that we live opposite a company that specialises in finding people with special needs a carer that they can get along with.
As I look out the window, I see a minivan. Just infront of the minivan, are four or five special needs young adults screaming and laughing, and one appalled social worker. She was ringing my doorbell for an hour demanding an apology. I’ve closed the curtains and just hidden all day, I phoned in sick to work so I wouldn’t have to go outside.
TL;DR: Whilst nude, I pretended I had won the WWE Championship, climbed up on a chair to “celebrate” and exposed my penis to a group of special needs young adults.
ThrowAwayForFap115: And this is why you will never be anything more than a B+ Player.
DanHero91: Try and take this belt away from me and I'll wave my penis at you too.
(That would have been an interesting twist to that story.)
| 3 | 19.333333 | |
1401912688 | 1401974150 | t3_27bjkz | t5_2to41 | 117 | Repostapotamus: TIFU by wearing my wife's clothing on a job interview
I've been unemployed for several months and it's been almost impossible to find work. Today, I had a job interview that I'd been trying to arrange for the past six weeks.
I woke up to prepare and everything started off great, I was in a good mood and felt ready to take on the world... and that's about when I realized that all of our pipes backed up and my clothes (for the interview) were in the washer... totally covered in disgusting black water, literally ruined.
I didn't have much time before the interview so I had to improvise. This involved finding clothing items belonging to my wife that seemed like something I might normally wear, but also something that was professional enough for my interview.
I'm 6'4" and she's about 5'6" so this was nearly impossible, but I made it work. I cut the legs off a bigger pair of jeans she had, making them into shorts. I found a baggy flannel shirt, cut off the sleeves, making a vest. That, combine with my work boots, I was ready to go (it's construction after all).
Here's the twist... I got the job! But I fear, not for the right reasons.
You see, my boss (the same guy that interviewed me) is apparently gay. He assumed when I showed up in tight jean shorts and a tight flannel homemade vest, that I too was gay. I had to smile and play along because I needed the job, but now I just feel awkward.
He was staring at me asking questions that were totally unrelated to the job. Instead, I was asked things like:
"How long have you been working out?"
"How hard will you work for me?" (asked in such a creepy way)
"How long can a guy like you go before he's too tired." (didn't even know how to answer that under the circumstances)
TLDR: I got a job after wearing my wife's clothes because my new boss is gay and thinks I'm cute (and gay).
[deleted]: you couldnt go to walmart? oh, and watch your cornhole man
i_pk_pjers_i: Not all gay men like anal sex.
Protassium: Geez dude don't have to get so butthurt about it
breakingmad1: He isn't though, maybe that's why he's mad
| 5 | 23.4 | |
1401910537 | 1401929383 | t3_27bfq2 | t5_2to41 | 47 | [deleted]: TIFU By running harder than I should have [NSFW]
NSFW tag since this is pretty gross.
So I've been trying to get into shape for the past two years with on and off commitment. First year I lost 30 pounds, but since then I've been using schoolwork as an excuse. After finals, I said. Once finals are done, then I'll go back to exercising.
Well, my last final was almost a month ago and I haven't done much more than watch Netflix and go to work. Until today. I promised myself I'd do this and it'll help me down the road. Despite the fact it was 80 and humid out, I was going to run. Grabbed my shoes, locked the door, ran to the park.
The route I used last summer is about 3 miles long and fairly level. Not too hard, but I'm a lazy bastard that hasn't run in nine months and by the end of the second mile I was feeling winded. So I slowed to a fast walk, but for some reason when I got to the last half-mile, I started thinking about what my old high school soccer coach would say during conditioning. "Finish strong," he said. "Always finish strong and give it everything on the final go."
Now, I was feeling a bit sick at this point, but I could see the corner of the street my home is at. I figured I could do the final stretch alright and decided to sprint the rest of the way. So I ran. And about halfway there, I started feeling the spit collect in my mouth. I turned my head sideways to hock it out. And then the heaving came.
I vomited hard. Like I don't remember feeling this sick when I had a stomach flu. Felt like liquid was coming out of every part of my face. My eyes started tearing up and my nose was running. After three heaves, I thought I was done and started walking again, but apparently nature wanted to pump my stomach so I keeled over again. I retched and this time I felt the gunk in my nose come out too. I didn't think much of it then, but I walked the rest of the way home generally feeling like a used turkey baster and went to kitchen to get some water. My nose was still runny so I got a kleenex, wiped, and discovered there were tiny brown bits of stuff in the gunk. Then it dawned on me where that came from. It was vomit.
So lesson learned, pace yourself and don't try doing exactly what you did nine months and ten pounds earlier your first day back at exercising. Still plan on running tomorrow, but not at 1 in the afternoon and not at that pace.
**Tl;dr Fat man tries to bolt like Usain, vomits out nose.**
Butters0422: Words do not equal NSFW
TTPKacey: I think it was more a warning that it'd be gross than anything. Same reason gore is NSFW. Some people would gag/puke just from this story.
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1401914276 | 1402065058 | t3_27bmhl | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by flashing an invigilator
15 since yesterday, been having exams all this week, still got a few to go, they're not that important, they just give teachers something to base a report on.
So they all been going fine despite minimal revision, I had electronics today, this was when something happened that will stay in my mind forever.
Two hour exam is going fine, invigilators leave as new ones enter. Soon however, an abnormally attractive chemistry teacher comes in to invigilate.
She taught me last year, she's really friendly, mid 20s, elder kids fantasise about rape, I never paid much attention to it.
So this new invigilator causes me to have something I find most disturbing.
An involuntary erection.
Unfortunately my genitalia were in quite the strange position right now, I hadn't noticed before but it made my erection extremely uncomfortable.
I decided to try and shift its position. I looked around nervously to make sure no one was looking but still didn't want to stick my hand in my pants in case anyone was looking, so I decided to try and fiddle around with it to shift its position from the outside, shielding what was happening on my lap with my other hand.
According to peers, my nervous looking around and fiddling with my hidden lap made it look as if I was trying to cheat in the exam.
It seems that the invigilator was also under this impression. I noticed her coming towards me with about ten seconds to impact. I decided it was too late now to stick my hand down my trousers and do a cheeky belt tuck so I decided to hold my arms over my lap, pretending to be engaged in my paper.
She asked to see what was on my lap, thinking I had notes or something. In panic I shifted one hand into my pocket attempting to stretch out my trousers to make the bulge invisible, before moving my other hand.
My efforts were in vain.
A not extremely large but clearly visible bulge was present.
I watched as a facial expression of pure horror fell upon this poor woman's face.
Without saying anything she walked away, sat at a desk on the other side of the exam hall, and said nothing at all to anyone before leaving for the next invigilator to come along.
Feeling self conscious forever.
And ever.
And ever.
stug_life: What on earth is an invigilator?
Velorium_Camper: a proctor.
Eat_The_Muffin: What the fuck is a proctor?
Velorium_Camper: Someone who oversees a test.
Eat_The_Muffin: I thought that was an American made up word but no, apparently it's a word in England.
I've only heard of invigilators
Resnov_: "An American made up word" you sir made me laugh. I thought that too (Canadian) silly Americans and their customary system of measurement and made up words.
[deleted]: Whatever icelords.
Resnov_: Whatever fatty.
| 9 | 2.888889 | |
1401915423 | 1401919379 | t3_27boj3 | t5_2to41 | 13 | ObjectionYourHonor: TIFU by telling a lady I liked her teeth.
So, this was on a small road trip recently.
I'm driving down the road and realize that I need some gas in the car. So I'm in a small middle of nowhere town out in the boonies. I find a gas station and pull into it for some gas and a snack or two.
When I walk in, at he register there's sign that said "[Billy Bob Teeth](http://images.buycostumes.com/mgen/merchandiser/32272.jpg) 50% Off!!!". I thought, oh that's interesting, I didn't realize people still bought those things
So, the attendant says "Hello, how are you?" I give a response and go to the snacks. I get myself a soda and a bag of chips for the ride. When I get up to the register, I notice the lady has some pretty fierce looking teeth. Very similar to [this.](http://burnsomegoo.files.wordpress.com/2011/05/hillbilly-teeth-1.jpg).
Before I pay out, she asks me if I would be interested in buying some Billy Bob Teeth since they were half off. I was almost certain hers were fake, as I had never seen such bad teeth before and figured "Hey, she's trying to sell the product and has them on to show them off". So, I said ,"No, thank you. I like the ones you have on, I bet they get a lot of attention when people walk in."
Then my gut sank in as I realized those were her real teeth as I was walking out when she gave me a very embarrassed look on her face and just looked away from me and a muttered a very insecure and mumbled sounding "Have a nice day."
I'm pretty sure I saw her crying as I pulled away from the pump.
I felt like a total asshole.
koalapants: Maybe she'll get the hint? Probably not...
ObjectionYourHonor: I doubt it. Those chompers were so beyond repair. It's not an exaggeration in saying she probably only had about a quarter of her teeth left. Which was a shame because she must've been in her mid thirties.
koalapants: ouch...
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1401918579 | 1401961170 | t3_27btzz | t5_2to41 | 35 | dontsqueeze: TIFU by trying to show my dog who's boss
So today I fucked up by playing with my dog. We were wrestling on my bed and having a great time until he decided to jump on my head, so naturally I retaliated and jumped on him and wrapped my arms and legs around him so he couldn't wiggle out and counter attack. He gets really mad when he gets stuck and I think it's funny so I just kept squeezing him harder so he couldn't wiggle free. This was also really entertaining until I realized what happens when you squeeze a dog too hard....
I dunno if anyones ever had to have their dogs anal glands "expelled" but it basically is the dog groomer squeezing butt juice out of your dog. You pay like $40 bucks for this and I never understood why. Until my dog farted and then proceeded to squirt this horrific rancid brown liquid out of his ass and across my bed and all over my leg. I didn't really know what happened until I looked up and saw the ultimate look of horror on my boyfriends face. He looked like he wanted to laugh, cry, and throw up all at the same time. I asked him what the fuck happened and he ran to the trash can and started retching. I looked at my leg and sure enough there's this weird brown liquid running down my leg that smells like you left a clove of garlic inside a dead skunks ass to ferment and then made it into a soup and squirted it on my leg and sheets. It was everywhere, and the dog was freaking out trying to smell his weird butt juice. I couldn't move, I was frozen in time, I started to gag, then I looked at my boyfriend and started to laugh when I realized what happened. Then while struggling for gasps of air between laughs and tears of humility I managed to say,
Well at least now I have something to post on Today I Fucked Up.
So there you go guys. Don't ever squeeze your dog super hard or you'll express his anal glands all over the place and you can't get the smell out of your sheets or off your leg. Pay the $40 bucks and pass the unfortunate task off to the groomer.
buffalo_Fart: my dog never shot brown sugar anywhere.what made her different?
stupidshamelessUSA: Dogs naturally express their anal glands when defecating; unless their stools are too soft or the openings to their glands are blocked. Your dog was healthy.
Source: I own 3 dogs, 1 of which has soft stools and sometimes needs her anal glands expressed. The other 2 have never needed their anal glands expressed.
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1401916621 | 1401922563 | t3_27bqk7 | t5_2to41 | 11 | CanadianDragon434: TIFU by not checking if headphones were plugged in
I was siting on the bus next to an old man and a young women with a 5 month year old, 3 year old and 5 year old (Rough guesses). I had my headphones in and I was listening to my ipod but the music was not very loud. I checked and my headphones were not plugged in, and everyone around me could here. I just played My Generation (Lyrics: http://www.metrolyrics.com/my-generation-lyrics-limp-bizkit.html), Fight music (http://www.metrolyrics.com/fight-music-lyrics-d12.html) and Role model (http://www.metrolyrics.com/role-model-lyrics-eminem.html) too these young kids and an old man. Nobody said anything but everyone gave me bad looks. The awkwardness was off the charts, I got off at the next stop and took another bus, These weren't the worst songs to play around kids but there still pretty bad and I felt really bad.
thatlazydude: Thought this would be about porn. Slight disappointment.
Delta3820: Same here
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1401918601 | 1401934095 | t3_27bu1g | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by making fun of my dad, for not having a dad.
This was a few weeks ago at dinner but I didn't know this SubReddit existed then so I'm writing it now.
My dad's dad (aka my grandfather) died when my father was only 3, because he fell asleep in his bus while it was on so the gas killed him or something.
I usual joke I make with my group of friends is making fun of them for not having dads because our school is in a ghetto area so its common but I know all of my friends do have fathers. I know its fucked up but whatever, /r/imgoingtohellforthis has changed me. I can be quite quick with jokes for situations. I probably got the instinct from my dad.
A few weeks ago, my dad was home from work for 2 weeks and we went out to TGI Fridays for dinner because why not. We got onto the topic of my sisters boyfriend somehow, and I wanted my mom to tell the story on how she was caught by her dad while "Going to the library" but was actually going to my dads house when they were teens. My dad after the story said he could sneak over because he's a guy and his mom didn't really care all that much because she trusted him.
This is where I fucked up.
He said to my mother "Your father was protective and always looking over your shoulder. I never had a protective mother."
And out slipped "You didn't have a father either." or something along those lines.
I wasn't even thinking it was my dad I was saying it too, I was half listening for I was eating a sirloin steak and I it'd be something I'd say to my friends.
It hit me a split second after I said it who I was saying it to and looked up to my father glaring at me, my sister wide mouth looking at me in shock and my mother in shock as well.
I couldn't say anything. I kept thinking "What the fuck. Why the fuck did I just say that. What the fuck?!"
After a few seconds of an awkward, my mother turned to my father and was about to say something but he stopped her and quietly looked down at his food and began eating a fry. We all sat there, my mother and sister went back to eating and I stayed still. After a minute of that my father gets up and walks out of the restaurant.
The waitress came soon after, my mother paid the bill and we left.
Quietest car ride.
Ever.
rickycarlisle: And have you actually apologised?
GurrenLagann1369: Yea I did the next night. He understood well because he's been around me and my friends enough and things have been normal since.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1401919274 | 1401952425 | t3_27bv5z | t5_2to41 | 41 | KindaOfficial: TIFU by getting my legs waxed
Story time! this is a pretty funny story I thought it was too hilarious not to share with reddit. So me and some friends (I am male btw) took a bet a while back and the looser had to wax his legs. I lost and as a man of my word i went to the beauty saloon thing.. (note: my legs are pretty hairy)
I go to the wax room and i lay in the doctor's bed thing. A pretty lady in her twenties comes in and we start talking and stuff, she says its gonna hurt a little because its my first time and i said that it wont hurt because my legs are pretty muscular and she laughed. Anyway skip a few minutes she spreads the blue wax on my legs, puts the paper thing on and pulls. I wasn't expecting that, i screamed like a little bitch and I almost passed out, yeah she does that 5-6 times and i am screaming like legit screaming and crying and jumping and cussing, 6th time she puts the paper and pulls i accidentally kick her and pass out from the pain. I wake up and there are 5-6 women in the room, some on top of me trying to figure out what happened. Turns out i passed out from the pain but i accidentally kicked the girl and she passed out too. We both go to the hospital for a checkup and yeah...
tl;dr: waxed my hairy legs, passed out from pain, kicked lady in her face, she passed out too
el_crunz: Did you get her number?
KindaOfficial: actually yeah
| 3 | 13.666667 | |
1401919998 | 1401932075 | t3_27bwei | t5_2to41 | 30 | Iamveryshameful: TIFU- a series of events in one day.
This happened a few years ago, and I finally decided to post about it, as it was my biggest series of fuck-ups in a single day. (Throwaway since I have friends that use Reddit)
When this happened, I was 16 years old, a Junior in high school, taking some dual credit courses at a local college, and had a GF (let's call her Emily) that was doing the same.
A few weeks before School let out for the Summer, Emily came over and we decided to go swimming at a nearby pool, so we did (Not really important). I noticed that she was wearing a swimsuit that she hadn't worn before, but that didn't really concern me. After we were done, she had to leave, so I said my goodbyes and decided to do some homework for a math course I was enrolled in. After finishing it, I noticed that Emily had left her swimsuit at my house. Being the horny idiot I am, I decided to jack off into them before throwing them into the wash.
Fast forward a week or so.
Fuck up # 1:
I had a test for a Summer math course I had enrolled in, and did not do well. Needless to say, my Mom was upset, and we ended up arguing for a while, which resulted in me losing access to my laptop and other electronics.
tl;dr Got my laptop taken away due to not studying for a test like I should have.
#2
To relax, my siblings and Dad went to the pool, and I decided to join them, but my Mom stayed behind to watch our Dogs. After 30 minutes or so, I noticed my Mom coming along. She was wearing the exact same swimsuit Emily had worn a week before. I asked her why she was borrowing my GF's swimsuit, and she replied that it was the other way around- as it turns, Emily forgot to bring a swimsuit, so my Mom let her borrow one that she had not worn yet. Remembering I jacked off into them, I immediately threw up, disgusted at myself.
tl;dr: Jacked off into what I thought were my GF's swimsuit, it turned out to be my Mom's. Threw up upon discovering that.
#3
My Mom, thinking I had come down with something, suggested I go home, as the pool was across the street from my house. I grabbed my chair and towel, and began to head home. However, my Mom had not told me that her iPhone was on my towel, and I decided to dry off by the pool. You can guess the rest.
tl;dr: Dropped my Mom's new iPhone into a pool upon leaving said pool.
#4
Dreading my fuck ups, I went home, miserable. Naturally I decided to jack off again. Knowing well that my family would be at the pool for another 40 minutes, I got my laptop, and searched up some porn. Now, I was into some really kinky stuff as a teenager, so I decided to search up heavy bondage or something like that. However, my Mom was apparently concerned that I was sick or something, so she sent my Dad to check on me. Living on the second floor of my house, I didn't hear him come in. So my Dad got to see his son jack off to a guy being DP'd by two women with strap-ons, whilst being restrained on a chair. In addition to the fact that I wasn't even supposed to have my laptop, my parents didn't want me to watch porn or anything of that sort, so I got into very deep shit for that.
tl;dr: Miserable as to how the day turned out, I decided to jack off to some kinky porn. My Dad walked in, and I got in a lot of trouble for not only watching said porn, but for using my laptop, since I had been punished.
Bonus: Just before I hit submit, I got hungry, so went to the kitchen to eat. When I came back, my brother (who I'm staying with and had no clue of any of this before hand) decided to read this. I can still hear him laughing his ass off.
Hope you enjoyed my series of fuck ups, because I certainly didn't!
turtlesarerad14: Wow, how long did it take you to get off your mom's shit list?
carcino_Genetix: What makes you think he did?
turtlesarerad14: touche
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1401920135 | 1401922767 | t3_27bwmd | t5_2to41 | 31 | life_is_football: TIFU by finding out she posted to gonewild. No fucking links.
So I'm in a situation where it's really complicated between a girl and me. It's a two year long story, but TL;DR I love her, she wants to be just friends but some signals say otherwise.
So last week we're at this party together, and while I'm sitting by the bed comforting her as she's almost passed out she pulls out her phone and shows me some random pictures. Among those pictures, I see a screenshot of an instagram account with photos of her on it.
Next day I remember the instagram name and check out the secret account she apparently doesn't tell anyone about. Cool, pretty pictures. I then have the BRILLIANT idea to check the username on reddit...
Bam, account exists. One post, submitted to /r/Gonewild. Four Thousand views on imgur. Four Thousand people have seen her tits. You'd think I was lucky, she isn't even my girlfriend and I have pictures of her tits. But I don't. I feel like shit.
Oh, and something that makes me feel worse: This girl is 17 now. The post is 1 year old. No links.
sminalem: Don't worry, they do it because of the positive feedback, makes them feel good about their body.
CaptainBenza: I'd feel a bit weird about dating a girl who needs strangers to say "god I'd fuck you" to feel good about their bodies
sminalem: Low self esteem can make people do anything. She was most likely looking for attention and acceptance.
CaptainBenza: Most likely, and I can see why he wouldn't want to deal with that.
| 5 | 6.2 | |
1401923344 | 1402000231 | t3_27c1uy | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by making weed brownies and losing my girlfriend
So last night, I made a batch of weed brownies. I grinded up a half ounce of weed, and used coconut oil, and gluten-free organic brownie mix, and mixed in some glazed walnut in there. I even put chocolate frosting on the top. After they were done baking in the oven, I ate one of them, and it was delicious. I go got high as a kite. I left the rest of them on the counter, and a few hours later I passed out in bed. I wake up in the morning around 10am and I hear my mom in the kitchen. She's standing there eating a brownie, and asking "these are good, did your girlfriend bake these?". I said, "ummm yes she did".
About 2 hours later, my mom was tripping balls, and she had no fucking idea what was going on. She's in her mid 50's, a religious church freak, and has never done any drugs in her life. She started panicing and I wasn't sure if I should call an ambulance or not. I tried to explain to her "I think my girlfriend must have put drugs in there and not told me". After 5 hours, when my moms high came down, she made me dump my girlfriend.
I called up my girlfriend, in front of my mom, and said "Hey tiffany, did you fucking put drugs in those brownies you baked me, you fucking bitch!?". She was like "wtf are you taking about, what brownies". I replied, "Don't you lie to me you fucking bitch. We're done, you fucking bitch!" and I hung up on her. We dated for like 6 months prior to this phone call. Immediately after I hung up, she text me that she cheated on my with my best friend Ryan. He's the one who sold me the weed.
Lockjaw7130: EVERYONE INVOLVED IS AN ASSHAT. Seriously. Don't let your damn brownies lying around. Before you eat the first one, get the entire plate save for the one you plan to eat into a safe place in your room. Jesus Christ, what if she ate the entire plate before they kicked in?
And then not even owning up to it? At least you could have just called a random friend and yelled the same stuff in the phone, a friend you trust. That way you probably wouldn't have lost your relationship or your friend.
Also, why do you agree to dump your girlfriend for your mom? Stand up to her! Have the relationship you want! Look, either you are a teenager, in that case: be a rebellious teenager if your mother is "a religious church freak", or you are older, in which case stand up to her because you're old enough!
Also, if she cheated on you, good riddance! You don't want someone who cheats on you and tells you solely to hurt you.
sameoldnigga: lockjaw tells it how it is
| 3 | 2 | |
1401979648 | 1401997992 | t3_27c1j4 | t5_2to41 | 4 | LuxNocte: That is terrible logic.
He made a throw away so that you can't trace his lies to his main account.
[deleted]: And you know that for a *fact* huh? You must know him personally, I apologize. I do wonder, however, what makes your theory better than mine? Also, Please explain how this lie benefits him, and how calling him a liar benefits you?
LuxNocte: I merely said you were using terrible logic.
The whole reason behind having account history is so you can judge what someone is saying against what they've said previously. It's the only thing separating Reddit from 4chan.
My theory is better than yours because the story is completely unbelievable for the reasons I've already mentioned. You don't just get a blowjob *from someone you know* while forgetting what gender that person is. He claims so drunk that he can't even see the guy's face, yet managed to maintain his erection and orgasm? The gay guy just pulled him into the bathroom without saying a word and started blowing him?
None of this benefits anybody. I was just calling out obvious bullshit. How does defending obvious bullshit benefit you?
[deleted]: I merely stated a possibility of what could have been the reasoning behind the story, you know, for the enjoyment of the story, the (supposed) main reason we're all here.
Personally, I *don't* believe it went down like this, but it wouldn't even come close to the craziest shit I've seen with my own eyes while at a drunken rager.
I wouldn't say I'm defending "obvious bullshit". Defending the subreddit, maybe, We're all here for fun, to laugh, and to share interesting stories. This guy did *nothing* to you, so why do you give a fuck? If you believe half the shit on here, you're retarded, and everyone knows that, but that being said, there is no reason to point out shit like that. Let people enjoy the fucking *story*, bro.
There are subreddits out there for people like you to dress up and play detective. On subreddits like this, just sit back and let em tell a damn story.
LuxNocte: > I generally like to allow for generous suspension of disbelief, but TIFU is getting overrun with just obviously fake stories and it's getting annoying.
I made a simple statement. For some reason people are jumping to the guys defense, and I have trouble not replying to orangereds even when I should have abandoned a thread long ago. I had forgotten about the post yesterday, but for some reason my inbox keeps getting hit this morning.
I agree that every story here should be taken with a grain of salt, but if you keep insisting that this is the golden truth, I'll keep pointing out poor logic.
[deleted]: >if you keep insisting that this is the golden truth, I'll keep pointing out poor logic.
Did I not just say:
>Personally, I don't believe it went down like this, but it wouldn't even come close to the craziest shit I've seen with my own eyes while at a drunken rager ?
LuxNocte: Yes, you did say you didn't believe him after wasting quite a bit of time supporting him. I'm not sure why you keep bothering me.
[deleted]: You're dense as fuck, ma'am.
Once again I will say: I am not defending the story. I am defending the right to post a story and have people enjoy it with some dipshit like you coming around and trying to ruin it for everyone.
Neither of us have any evidence as to what happened in this story is true or not.
The reason I keep "bothering" you to be honest is because I'm fascinated with your over the top God complex, which makes you feel like you are right regardless of being given the same amount of information as everyone else, also refusing to even see how dumb you have been this whole thread not being able to handle any one elses opinions. Looking at the votes, you seem to be the less popular party in the argument. Also, you still haven't answered my original question. What are you getting out of this other than negative karma? If you don't want to talk, don't respond. Don't act like I'm forcing you to hold this conversation with me.
LuxNocte: Whether you think I'm a woman because you don't like me or are using "ma'am" as an insult tells quite a bit about you. So does the fact that you think "more popular" means anything.
>None of this benefits anybody. I was just calling out obvious bullshit.
[deleted]: But *why* ? For what benefit? That's my question. Why are you calling out what you think is obvious bullshit? Why are you wasting your time here? You're thoughts on the night in question don't concern me, it's the way you behave on a subreddit such as this, that is truly pathetic.
And I honestly assumed you were a woman.
^^^because ^^^you're ^^^obviously ^^^on ^^^your ^^^period?
LuxNocte: >And I honestly assumed you were a woman.
Yeah....and that says how childish you are.
I already said I'm just answering because you keep replying. At this point, I'm kinda wondering how long this is going to go on for.
I asked a lot of questions at the top of the thread. Things about the original story that just didn't make sense. You didn't answer any of those, you just said "it's a new account, so we should trust him" which struck me as silly, so I said so.
Why are YOU so concerned?
[deleted]: I answered that question, I've taken the liberty of bolding some important parts so that you might be able to read it, even with your head shoved so far up your own ass.
Here: > I wouldn't say I'm defending "obvious bullshit". Defending the subreddit, maybe, We're all here for fun, to laugh, and to share interesting stories.
And here: >This guy did nothing to you...that being said, there is no reason to point out shit like that. Let people **enjoy the fucking story**, bro. There are **subreddits out there for people like you to dress up and play detective**. On subreddits like this, just sit back and **let em tell a damn story**.
And here: >Once again I will say: I am not defending the story. I am defending the **right to post a story and have people enjoy it** with some dipshit like you coming around and trying to ruin it for everyone.
And here: >The reason I keep "bothering" you to be honest is because I'm fascinated with your **over the top God complex**, which makes you feel like you are right regardless of being given the same amount of information as everyone else
| 12 | 0.333333 | |
1401925310 | 1401997204 | t3_27c4y7 | t5_2to41 | -1 | LKJ55: TIFU by playing too much PC games
Today, I really messed up. To be fair, it's more of a long term thing. Being the extremely bored teen I am, I play a lot of games. LoL, Minecraft, Paper Mario, Pokemon, ect.
And today, I sit down, do my homework only to realize that my hand is shaking so badly it's practically made my handwriting random scribbles. I show my mom (she's a doctor) and what followed was a roughly 10 minute lecture on how video games and clenching a mouse in the usual mouse holding position caused my nerves to mess up and stuff. Hopefully it won't be too bad, and I probably have to hold off from gaming for the next few days. IMO, the worst part is that I'm completely right handed and I can barely use my left hand for anything, and only my right hand is shaking. Whee.
**UPDATE** Right hand has still been shaking, but much less sharply. Most people suggested that I get a rubber band, wrap it around my fingers and stretch out. Kind of helping.
mspaint_frank: ~~"PC games" The only real PC games were there were Lol and Minecraft, ^not^even^good^pc^games^IMO~~
edit:sorry I was in a bad mood I'm a jerk downvote away
[deleted]: Free and cheap games too, not trying to generalize but I smell a developmental issue from extended play time during his developmental period as a child, this generation will go through due to parents less suspecting or caring about these issues and more games at easier use for children.
I have a 7 year old brother who wakes up an hour before school to watch YouTube videos on his fathers computer and comes home from school instantaneously back on the computer or on his iPod or watching TV but never doing much else. And this seems to be a normal thing for his friends from school as well, nor do the parents have an issue with it.
mspaint_frank: Thanks for being rational and not getting angry at me, I understand.
| 4 | -0.25 | |
1401864199 | 1401932384 | t3_279u5r | t5_2to41 | 2 | eparable: TIFU by lacking stones
There is a girl (lets call her "Kaylee" after one of my favorite scifi characters), incredible in almost every way. Intelligent, funny, athletic, and VERY attractive. Essentially Scarlett Johansson with higher SATs.
I, on the other hand, am of average (if not lower) looks, not at all athletic, mildly witty on my best day. That being said, we have similar interests being that we are both massive nerds (if you didn't already notice) and have above average intelligence. And now, after the back story, my story begins.
We have know each other for years, and right around a year ago, I started to think of her as something more than just a friend. And so I decided to make a move. Before I could do so, my friend let me know that her woman-crush was about to make a move as well. I knew this guy. He was a douche. But I had also known him for years, and I figured that if she liked him, and he liked her, I should just bow out. And so I did. And as a result, the predictable happened. He took her on a couple of dates, paraded her around for a bit, then dumped her on her pretty bum.
Rather than being "that guy" and going for the rebound, I decided to give her space. She then was accepted into a prestigious academy and was about to move away. I figured that was my time. I thought that the increased distance would limit awkwardness if things went south, and we both could tell each other free of the bindings of our friends. And this, I think, was where I f*cked up. I don't know whether I waited to long, didn't go about it properly, or if I should have just kept my meat hole shut.
The response I got blew monkey nuts. She said that things would have been better if she had gone out with me, but that she "couldn't think of me that way", putting me in a place worse than the friend-zone... the brother-zone. In some circles, this is also known as her burying her foot so far up my ass I could taste the nylon shoe strings.
And now, after moving, I will never see her again. Before I left, my friends threw me a party where we all saw the latest X-Men movie (did I mention I was a nerd?), and the whole affair was a great fun. I sat in the back of "Kaylee's" car and watched in amazement as she cited whole Harry Potter quotes even though I put the movie in Spanish. In the end, we hugged, which was big for both of us because we hate human contact, and humans in general. But now I regret feeling this, because now our communication is limited to Facebook and Skype gaming sessions, which is a better outcome than some alternatives. Did I truly muck it up? Or was there nothing I could do? Does she still talk to me because she wants to, or is there pity, or maybe amusement? I don't know, but now I have the feeling that while she is playing Sandra Bullock from "Gravity", I'll be at home struggling to finish my novel and whacking my head on my desk for being such a moron.
tl/dr: I lacked the will to do what was necessary. And as a result, I let someone I care about make a stupid choice that I assume has tarnished our relationship.
BartendDoll: Nice firefly reference
eparable: Good, someone got it. :)
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1401925262 | 1401946687 | t3_27c4vr | t5_2to41 | 15 | toaster_waffle: TIFU by Denting my Grandma's Car. Bad.
Despite endless searching, I couldn't find my car keys. I looked, and looked, and looked, having driven my car just a few short hours ago and knowing they had to be somewhere, but to no avail. Already late for work, my wonderful grandma (who lives across the street from me) lends me her car for the night. I get to work, and do my shift. I clock out, and get ready to go home. Being used to a fairly small car, I was not used to the heft associated with my grandma's SUV, and promptly proceeded to back it right into somebody's truck as I was trying to leave the parking lot. In an angry panic, I went outside to check the damage. A fairly low speed impact, their car was completely unharmed. My grandma's car, on the other hand, had a massive dent in the trunk. Awesome. Nothing I can do about it now, so I drive home. I give her keys back to her, explain what happened, and apologized deeply and profusely. Once again, she's wonderful, so she understood and forgave me, and said that insurance would take care of it. I go back to my house, go into my room, and find my keys in my jacket pocket. What a fucking dope.
alone7225: Your gramma sounds awesome.... Go get that lovely woman something too repay her.
Beanz4ever: Agreed. Granny deserves amazingness.
| 3 | 5 | |
1401926582 | 1401930155 | t3_27c6u9 | t5_2to41 | 18 | green0ctagon: TIFU by trying to launch an explosive nut bust ._.
This actually happened last Thursday, not today. I'll provide some background information to help paint you guys a more vivid picture:
So recently, after about a year of going back and forth with doctors trying to get adderall so I can be the man at school (I take online classes year round), filling out countless questionnaires and answering questions trying to sound as dumb as humanly possible, my doctor decides to prescribe me klonopin... which for those of you who don't know is an anti-anxiety med that essentially relaxes to to ultimate levels of I-don't-give-a-fuckness. Totally counterproductive for school purposes, but they're pretty fun to take so hey I'll take it. What does this have to do with my TIFU tale? You'll see.
Last weekend I go out drinking with a couple of my hometown friends, my friend (we'll call her Gina) texts me asking if her friend Michelle can come with us. I went through all of my high school career without ever talking to Michelle, she was a grade above me and a total smokeshow, not to mention a D1 college athlete so obviously my initial thought is "what a fucking stupid question." I text Gina back with a slick "yeah that's cool she can come."
My buddy and I pick them up, and the whole car ride to the bar Michelle is venting to Gina in the back seat about her recent breakup with her BF. Sensing the black hole of emotional vulnerability behind me, my natural male instincts kick in and when we get to the bar I immediately proceed to shower her with drinks, and from there shit really escalates. Our conversation turns into wronchy bumping and grinding. There is ass grabbing, sloppy making out, I even think we got so drunk we lost a few full vodka redbulls to the dancefloor. Anyways, the night ends and sure enough when I get dropped off at my house Michelle gets out too. We stumble inside, proceed to have noisy drunken ape sex (my parents were furious the next day) and life is good. I dropped her off at her house the next morning.
So I was talking to Gina the next day, and she told me that Michelle texted her, saying that she couldn't stop smiling and wanted to keep seeing (banging) me. This of course is fantastic news to me, so over the next few week days I ended up going over her house after her dad fell asleep and we'd bang. Life is good.
THIS IS WHERE I FUCKED UP. So Last Thursday she texts me telling me to come over for the usual latenight activities. So I go over, but before going over I decide to pop a few klonopins as it takes away the any nervousness and makes me appear to be super suave and confident. I've also noticed that they make me last a bit longer in the sack which is always nice. So I get to her house, the kpins are starting to kick in and I casually waltz in not giving a fuck about anything, barely caring enough to breathe. We go downstairs and start getting into it, everything is good. I'm fucking her missionary and I begin to get the familiar feeling of an imminent nut bust, and in the heat of the moment I decide I want to try to jizz on her face. So I pull out, and launch my first two shots (I'm a three shot man) on her belly normally so as not to arouse any suspicion of my intent. By now the kpins are in full effect and every muscle in my body feels incredibly relaxed,
I feel my third and final nut bust get loaded into the chamber, time to go for glory. I squeeze every muscle in my lower body as hard as possible and well, I must have squeezed a wrong muscle because I simultaneously launch an explosive nut bust, and let out and even more explosive, ass rattling fart. The nut lands in Michelle's hair, nearly missing my intended target, the look in her face was one of absolute bewilderment, there was a second of two of awkward silence, I wish I could say I was equally shocked but the kpins had me feeling so damn relaxed I that I just didn't give a fuck. No sense of shame or embarrassment whatsoever. We got dressed, watched the rest of a family guy episode then I left. We haven't spoken since.
Looking back at that night I feel not so much as embarrassed as I do ashamed that I had a good thing going and ruined it with reckless fart. Although I am incredibly fortunate it wasn't a stinker.
TL;DR I took too many klonopins, tried to launch an explosive nut bust, squeezed the wrong muscles and ended up farting on a bitch.
mandyjo1986: Text her and laugh it off, all the while apologizing profusely lol. Good luck
green0ctagon: Thanks man lol
mandyjo1986: Girl lol and if she's into you she'll laugh it off
green0ctagon: haha oops, probably should have read your username first. as a member of the opposite sex ill take that advice more seriously now!
| 5 | 3.6 | |
1401928154 | 1401967196 | t3_27c9ci | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU: by heating up a spoon on the stove and putting it in my mouth.
I was trying to scoop some ice cream that was hard as a rock (I attempted to make home-made ice cream) so I heated up the spoon over the fire. After a while of digging around with the hot spoon, the heat seemed to have dispersed cause it wasn't slicing through the ice cream anymore. As I was approaching the stove to give the spoon some more heat I proceed to lick the ice cream off the spoon which, unfortunately, had still had sizzling hot edges to it. Now I my bottom lips and the tip of my tongue are burnt raw. The worst part is I have a date this Friday that I was really looking forward to and now it looks like I have a really bad case of herpes.
tl;dr: Wanted ice cream badly. Put scorching hot spoon in mouth. fml
CasticVG: Why the fuck would you use the stove?
Just run hot water over it for a bit...
[deleted]: I thought it would be faster and more efficient....
buffalo_Fart: or microwave the ice cream for 30 seconds...
tishstars: Bad idea. Once you microwave the container and put it back in the freezer, you get those nasty ice crystals in your ice cream. Better to just do the spoon thing or leave it out for 10 mins
buffalo_Fart: i made the assumption it was a pint container. i forget that the store has the big guys. yes you are correct ice chunks are terrible in my vanilla.
| 6 | 5.5 | |
1401929222 | 1402113470 | t3_27cay2 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: tifu by leaving cannabis leaves out to dry right where my parents frequently walk past...
Before you dismiss this as just some dumb stoner who doesn't know any better just listen. this was the first time I have attempted to dry leaves of my own. I had them on a 2×2 screen and I had to find somewhere in my room to keep it where it would be hard to find. I decided put it on the shelf in my closet. no one would check there, right? Apparently wrong. I hadn't taken into consideration that the laundry had been done and my mother would be putting my bedsheets in my closet. my closet is one of those 2 sliding door ones and the sheets and weed should have been on opposite sides. I guess my mom could still smell it or probably even see it knowing my stupidity because when I got home from school it was gone. I played it off cool and only freaked out in my room where I knew no one would see me. I then proceeded to check every single trash can in the house without much luck. my mom didn't even say anything to me. I guess her way of punishing me is by torturing me with the fear of unknowing. Moral of the story: try not being a dumbass as much as possible.
Yun548: You don't smoke the leaves but the flowers......
chlywa1: Same difference in my mind, it's not like I'm uneducated so much as I just don't know the terms
fddlstx: If you don't know which parts of the plant are even consumable for the purposes your comprehension level seems to imply, then how did you even get the plant to grow? I don't know of ONE grower who doesn't know stems from seeds from leaves from bud. 'Not knowing the terms' IS being uneducated. And, yeah, plants dank. Like a fornicator of mothers. Being around it/ consuming it regularly acclimates you to the scent, but to non users it's tremendously smelly & apparent.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1401928439 | 1401941840 | t3_27c9sw | t5_2to41 | 21 | GloomyShamrock: TIFU by Asking a too Vague Question
Sounds ridiculous, but I'm in High School in the states, recently having our final exams for every course/class of the year and I went to my Science lab in order to take the exam. However, we were just under a lockdown as a gunmen(student who had some sort of beef against a teacher) had walked onto campus. The instructor had talked to us about it, as she went through a lot of these sorts of days due to her schools location, not much of a good and peaceful place, I asked her if she'd ever been involved in a shooting like this, not as a shooter, but as a victim.
She replied with an answer that I never thought could be drawn from this, "No, but I was mugged at one point by a gunmen who had shot, I survived, obviously but the baby I was carrying did not."
The class hates me, and she appeared a bit unnerved from the question. :(
headscratchie: I don't think you fucked up - how could you have known she'd answer that way? Square it with your teacher in private if you want, it might alleviate some guilt. Besides - it's highschool - as long as you don't do something *infamous* everyone will forget in no time and by the time you're old enough to drink no one will remember except maybe you.
Senor_Taco29: And possibly anyone on this subreddit
| 3 | 7 | |
1401931195 | 1402106155 | t3_27cdyb | t5_2to41 | 50 | Humor101: TIFU; Girl ditched me for another dude at homecoming.
The day started off well. Getting up early, scrambling to get stuff done. So i can enjoy the nightly moment called homecoming. All of my friends are stoked and ready to go. I get to the park waiting on my date, she arrives and a blitzkrieg of pictures are taken with me and here.
Me and my date head to the car (her parents drove us). We arrive at the school, I'm excited. Freshman year and I'm kicking it off great. Thinking to myself "I'm doing something right."
We get out of the car. Parents take some more pictures with some of her friends and mine included. Enjoying the moment, kinda nervous also, I have never danced before.
Headed in to the school, Had to pay the 20.00 entry fee for both of us. Thinking it's the gentleman thing to do. We walk in the gym, take more pictures for the yearbook.
So we finally hit the dance floor. She takes off her shoes as if she wants to dance, sees some of her old friends and takes off. I catch up to her after I adjust to the situation. She talked for nearly hours, finally I get impatient and ask if she wants to dance. She says "in a minute."
So I go and sit down feet are killing me from standing by her for so long. I get back up and ask if she wants anything from the vending machine. She says if they have tea get it. So I'm over there no longer then two minutes. I got her tea, myself a mountain dew.
As I step back onto the dance floor. With drinks in hand. She is dancing with someone. At this point I don't think she wanted to dance with me. So i ask her one last time. After she got done dancing if she wanted too. She said "Sorry not right now."
Called my mom, told her what happend. She told me "Well sounds like she used you." I told her to come pick me up. I went home and straight to bed.
I said nothing to no one for three days after, I just thought to myself, "What did I do wrong?"
TL;DR Ditched at homecoming, Thought about what I did wrong for a long time.
cuddlethisrebuttal: You did nothing wrong. You took a chance on a girl and it didn't work out. Won't be the last. She would have been a shitty girlfriend anyway. Don't let that "rejection" stop you from trying. On to the next my friend.
Humor101: Honestly I don't even know how to initiate talking to a girl that is pretty. I wonder if there is a sub reddit for that.
maczirarg: Stay away from anything related to "the red pill" and "seduction" on reddit. You'll get the shittiest advice and become a jerk.
Five_Two_Zero: i dont know, TRP's documentation is sound. Stay away from the community there tho
breakingmad1: Exactly. Trp is tried and tested and that shit does work, and that's why most of reddit hates it as people have found a cheat code to get girls, while they wallow in the 'friend zone' jerking it to hentai eeverynight
Five_Two_Zero: I myself follow a different variant of TRP, most of it from David Deangelo. Same principles, different name, and without a bunch of mysogynist twats posting dumb shit everywhere
breakingmad1: Yeah I agree the trp community does make themselves lookmbad , and I never post their, BUT you can't agrgue most of what they say yields results
Five_Two_Zero: well yeah, i mean it's not just about getting laid, but trying to improve yourself. Heck there's even a /r/redpillwomen for women who want to follow the philosophy but not be subject to the idiots at the regular TRP
breakingmad1: Exactly its more about self confidence and reeadking social clues. I use some stuff just to make/meet new friends
LLamanaro: Jesus Christ, you guys are cancer.
| 11 | 4.545455 | |
1401932198 | 1402022200 | t3_27cfgv | t5_2to41 | 91 | zdavenport18: TIFU by hiding all of masturbation socks under my bed NSFW
So around the age of 14-15 I began to discover myself and was masturbating very frequently in my bed. This was great but I had one problem when I came it caused a great big mess. At first I tried to use toilet paper or paper towels to cum into but they were often too thin and would fall apart or get stuck on my dick. After doing some research I discovered a game changer, the sock. It solved all of my problems I would use it a few times and then hide the sock under my bed. After a couple of months I had quite the pile of socks built up under there. So one day my grandparents are over watching the house because my parents are out of town and I come home to find my grandma doing a deep clean on my room including my laundry. Later than night she gives me my clothes to put away including 15-20 pair of cum socks. I didn't say anything and neither did she so I didn't think that it was a big deal. Until later that night my grandpa comes into my room and says we need to talk. He proceeds to talk to me about masturbation and my body and says using all of those socks like that is very wasteful. I just sat in my bed quietly and nodded my head. I learned a truly valuable lesson that night. I need to hide my cum socks in a better place.
[deleted]: Never understood the socks thing. Jerk, cum on stomach, wipe, continue with day.
charden_sama: Well, with a stomach as hairy as mine, that's a biiiitch.
[deleted]: I have a hairy stomach too. You don't let the shit dry!
charden_sama: But even after you wipe, you're gonna be the tiiiiniest bit sticky. No good!
[deleted]: I think you're wiping wrong, I've never had this issue. Hell, maybe I'm wanking wrong.
charden_sama: *Shrug* With the size of my loads, and the fact that there are normally two, cleaning up with paper would just be waaaaaay too much.
BluesF: You aim for the stomach... And before you know it you're blind and choking.
charden_sama: The struggle is real.
| 9 | 10.111111 | |
1401919936 | 1401944798 | t3_27bwau | t5_2to41 | 26 | Toysshippedwrong: TIFU by forgetting to check the address before having some sex toys shipped.
I ordered some new toys from a site I had not been to in a while and for whatever reason I didn't double check the address and they were shipped to a place I moved out of a couple years back. I went and asked the nice older lady living there if she had my package which she did. I noticed right away that she was giving me a strange look and when I got in the car I noticed the package had been opened. To say I was embarrassed would be an understatment
cuddlethisrebuttal: First: that is a federal offense.
Second: did she use them?
Toysshippedwrong: I know it is and I was really thinking about calling the post office and saying something but I decided it wasn't a big enough deal to me to start up something that might end up with me in front of a judge talking about someone opening my big rubber dicks.
cuddlethisrebuttal: Old people get off so easily.
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1401930789 | 1402383397 | t3_27cdbq | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by calling my asperger girlfriend a burden on society
Ok,
So she has aspergers. A very mild form. She was looking into birth control pills and found that the price has gone up considerably since last time.
Without thinking I said the following:
"Tell them that they should give you a discount on the pills because you have aspergers. This will make your children more likely to have aspergers, and they would then end up being a burden on society"
Did not really think that through because she is a LOVELY girl who is not a burden on society in the slightest.
blankeye: That is a long sentence to say without thinking of what you are saying and have the time to stop yourself. :(
[deleted]: Sometimes stupid is like a rolling giant snowball without any way of stopping it.
blankeye: Yeah, maybe so. Good methafor.
| 4 | 2 | |
1401932840 | 1401988920 | t3_27cggh | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by not listening to my boyfriend
My boyfriend and I are currently living with his parents to save money and for support with his mental health. Yesterday we swapped our car with his parents car to use the trailer to pick some stuff up and their car was full of clothes etc from a recent trip they made.
We had to load some stuff into the back seat because it wasn't fitting in the trailer and I thought I'd move his mothers clothes (that were hung up on hangers) onto the floor in the front seat. My bf protested that they were getting squashed but I did it anyway.
So this morning I wake up to my boyfriend having his ass ripped out by his mum, saying her clothes were crushed and ruined. This started a huge argument with my bf, his mum and his dad over every single thing they were all pissed off about. My bf ended up calling his dad an asshole over something unrelated.
Now today is actually my bf's first day back at work after a very serious mental breakdown that happened at work a few months ago. So now my bf has left for his first day back, hyperventilating in the car and very anxious and is probably going to have an awful day because I didn't listen to him yesterday. I'm now sitting in the lounge room with his parents yelling at each other in their bedroom while I try to find the right time to tell them it was my fault. I'm such a bad person.
johnnywacko: Lol crushed clothes Wtf.
Prospekt01: Must be one of those giant ass cages from the victorian era or something.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1401933080 | 1401950420 | t3_27cgut | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU- By cutting my sack on accident
So here i am, sitting in the bathroom, when I realize my man jungle (down there) is bothering me. I decide to trim it up when I notice one particularly long hair and decide to cut it. I swoop in with scissors to trim it but I ended up cutting it and part of my sack instead. The pain, the pain I experienced. It was unbearable. I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming like a little girl. I look down and see a bit of skin hanging from my sack and start to whimper. It's bleeding now. I get a bandaid to cover it up and cant believe how much it hurts. I am now sitting very carefully to avoid more pain. TIFU.
UPDATE: It's the next day and it hurts and is bleeding still. Feels like [this.](http://i.imgur.com/dY3eXfR.gif) I have to go mow the lawn now. Another update later?
johnnywacko: Darwin at work.
epiphany_cookie: I just pictured Darwin shaving his pubes.
| 3 | 8 | |
1401932749 | 1402052475 | t3_27cgbg | t5_2to41 | 20 | stalesarah: TIFU by trying to dislodge a tonsil stone
For those who don't know what a tonsil stone is, ["they are clusters of calcified material that form in the crevices of the tonsils."](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tonsillolith) Basically they are these white things that build up in the lining of your tonsils that smell like ass. Literally, they have more of an ass smell than my actual ass.
I get them frequently and this week I've had one that refused to come out. I had enough of it so after work today I decided to take matters into my own hands. I decide the best course of action would be using a cotton swab and a mirror to try to dislodge it. After much prodding and gagging, I finally get it out.
But lo and behold, I can still feel one in there, and I go at it again. I was thoroughly disgusted. The cotton swabs I had weren't long enough for me to get a good angle, so I looked for the next best thing in my bathroom, the end of my toothbrush. So I'm in my bathroom, prodding and gagging, and more and more stones keep coming out. At this point I felt that I have gotten them all out, and I decide to give my tonsil one last prod for good measure. Huge mistake.
I gag pretty hard and cough up a loogie and I felt fine for a few seconds. Then, I felt something churn and I knew puking my guts out was inevitable. So instead of running over to the toilet to puke, I decide it would be best to just go in the sink.
The sink clogs. My heart drops. It smells like cheddar. I thought it would be a good idea to ladle my puke into a plastic bag with my bare hands. It's not working as well as I planned (I dunno why I thought this was a good idea in the first place). There was a hole in the bag when I picked it up, so now there's puke all over the floor. So, I proceed to get a cup so I can dump my puke into the toilet. After I finally unclog the sink and all of the puke is cleaned up, I notice I got puke on my fucking panties. Worst day ever.
**TL;DR:** I try to dislodge a tonsil stone with a toothbrush, puke gets everywhere, including my panties.
Teaehararehantea: This was more disturbing once I realized you were a girl. I can see a guy digging away at his tonsils, but would not expect a lady to do it.
stalesarah: Normally, I don't like poking around my mouth. The stone was too annoying to leave in there and I couldn't take it anymore. Drastic irritation calls for drastic measures. At least I didn't try to use a tampon to dislodge it? I feel like that would've been a little gory.
Teaehararehantea: At least it would have soaked up the blood.. ha ha
| 4 | 5 | |
1401927048 | 1401975768 | t3_27c7lt | t5_2to41 | 5 | Sethyboy0: TIFU by knowing nothing about buses
This past Monday night, after my improv club thing meeting, I went with some of the members of the club to a local bar to get to know them and make friends and what not.
At about 11:30, I paid for my bill and set out for my residence. I decided to check Google maps to see if there were any nearby bus stops, because I didn't feel like making the 20 minute walk in the rain and figured I could use more experience taking the bus. Bad idea.
So stupid idiot me follows Google maps but goes too far and ends up on the wrong side of the road. I see a bus come up a couple minutes early and the number matches - #8 - so I figure that the bus will just turn around soon and then take me to my intended destination.
Well guess what? After about 10 minutes of waiting the bus did not appear to be turning around. For the next 5 minutes I looked at the Google maps instructions to get home and noticed that the bus it was telling me to take (#8) was coming earlier and earlier with each stop I passed, making me think that the bus was about to turn around.
Well we know how good that worked the first time. About 10 minutes later, my friend who I was texting started freaking out on me and told me to download the smartphone app for the buses in my city to see what I should do. I thought that was a great idea so I did it.
I went on the app and went into a nearby stop. I saw quite a few bus #8s there, which I figured was due to the buses that I now knew ran in two separate directions.
I tapped on a couple of the bus 8s and saw that they went in a full circle, so I figured I was good to go home at that point. After a few minutes, Google maps was telling me that the fastest bus route was to just complete the circle, so I figured I could finally be at ease.
A few minutes later, I check Google maps to find that I seem to have gone slightly astray. No longer was it saying to take the #8 home - instead telling me to pick some other bus. I opened up the transit app and looked to see that the #8 bus I was on was in fact not following the #8 routes I saw before, but instead following a #8 route that went somewhere completely different.
At this point I was shitting bricks and got off at the next stop to stop myself from digging the whole deeper than it needed to go. I looked at Google maps and it said the next bus home wasn't until 5 IN THE GODDAMN MORNING. I then checked the walking distance and it gave me 1 hour and 45 minutes - which at 12:20 PM doesn't work when I have class at 11.
I ended up having to take a taxi back to my residence, which cost me $25. All because I opted for a 15 minute bus ride over a 20 minute walk.
TL:DR: I am so bus-autistic that I ended up shelling out $25 and wasting about an hour and a half instead of just walking for 20 minutes.
Voyager5555: Or you could just, you know, talk to the driver.
Sethyboy0: Yeah no kidding :S
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1401935613 | 1401994562 | t3_27cku0 | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending my porn to the girl I like
So earlier in the day I had discovered a great porn site and decided to copy the address so I can use it later. So I do that and have a good wank and when I finish I clean up and suddenly I get a text on kik from this girl who I like and I think she likes me. About an hour into our texting I decide to send an emoticon that I had made earlier and thought I had copied. So I paste it in and nothing shows up, just a long empty text bubble. I think, oh it must have gitched or something and I send it anyway. When its sent it reformats or something into its original form and it just says the porn address that I had copied earlier. She still hasn't responded back.
Lugiafanatic: Say you were pranked?
cthulhuhugs: Eeesh. Nobody ever buys the "My friend did it!" excuse. Why not just go "Well. That was awkward. So anyway-" and keep going on like nothing happened?
Prospekt01: That's where they interrogate you on what you're interested in.
cthulhuhugs: So own it or tell them you're uncomfortable discussing your masturbatory habits. If they're hurt its their own fault for asking questions they don't want the answers to. What else are you going to do? Lie in their face? Besides, she obviously knows what kind of porn he likes. He sent it to her ;D
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1401936807 | 1401982207 | t3_27cmq3 | t5_2to41 | 256 | TIFUthrowawayOKC: TIFU by sleeping with a girl from OKCupid.
Well, I fucked up today and had one of the worst experiences of my life.
I have been messaging and texting this girl that I met on OKCupid, finally agreeing on a time and place to meet up. We went out for sushi, walked through a park, and parted ways. There was a bit of sexual tension, but we decided to wait for next time. That was three days ago.
Flash forward to today. Earlier this morning, I received a booty call-esque text from this woman. I was eager to comply and drove over to her apartment. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I certainly would not have been expecting what actually happened.
I drove about 30 minutes to her apartment and knocked on the door. When she opened the door I was greeted with a very alarming smell, the smell of extremely old Kimchee (If you have never had kimchee, it is basically seasoned vegetables that are placed in a jar and left buried underground for months. It has a strange taste and a horrid smell). Despite my revulsion I walked into the door and arrived in hell. The entirety of her apartment was covered in garbage and the smell was everywhere. I was so disgusted, but begrudgingly went along with the coitus.
The bedroom was just as filthy. The smell was everywhere. Her breath was poor and her watch/rings kept scratching me in places that should have scratches. DESPITE ALL OF THIS, I kept on going. I have no idea why, but I was in denial that it was happening. I just kept my revulsion down and continued on through the act. Eventually she wanted to switch up positions to doggy style. This is when the truly disgusting and revolting incident occurred. I moved around behind her and saw the worst sight I have ever seen. There were chunks of feces and dirty toilet paper stuck around her brown eye (Not just tiny pieces of toilet paper, but whole chunks of it). I almost vomited. It is the grossest thing I have ever seen.
I made up some excuse about having to use the restroom, faked a phone call about a relative in the hospital, and booked it out of the apartment. Today I fucked up by sleeping with a girl I met on OKCupid.
TL;DR - Met a girl from OKCupid. Her place was hell on Earth and ended up seeing chunks of feces and dirty toilet paper stuck to her body.
Mmm_Booze: Was she sorta fat? Not wiping properly would kinda go hand in hand with being slightly huge.
TIFUthrowawayOKC: She was a bit on the chubbier side.
iamthedigitalcheese: Introduce her to wet wipes.
EBeast99: Or three ply toilet paper.
| 5 | 51.2 | |
1401938711 | 1401975748 | t3_27cpnr | t5_2to41 | 130 | suchfun: TIFU by throwing my "toys" in with my laundry (NSFW)
Lately I've been using a laundry service that comes around, picks up my dirty washing, cleans and folds it then returns it to me.
Perfect.
Rewind to the week before when I decided (as a male) to explore the world of anal sexual pleasure and bought a "beginners" anal toy.
The night before my washing was due to be picked up I used it. (For the record it was fun) and when done I gave it a clean and wrapped it in a towel to make sure it was hidden on the journey to my room from the bathroom.
So there it was wrapped up in a dirty towel the night before washing day.
This morning I had the clean washing returned and there on the top was a shiny anal toy....sitting there on top of all my whites.
Oh the shame.
Razultull: mfw in /r/wtf some mexican chick has posted her discovery at the laundry place she works.
matty2750: Please link to this, I'm in slight disbelief, how unlucky is this guy if it was :/
Tyler510: Op pls deliver
CUNTASAURUS_REX: Op pls
| 5 | 26 | |
1401941870 | 1401987369 | t3_27cu24 | t5_2to41 | 18 | ImtheClitCommander: TIFU by listening to Kanye West while writing an essay.
It was a thursday night, and I had an English essay due the next morning. I was up late because I had procrastinated. The prompt for the essay was essentially to pick a mundane object and write three pages on how it showed something about the human condition. I picked a caterpillar to write about, and was getting pretty fucking frustrated (I get angry easily). I decided to turn on Pandora to get my creative juices flowing, and the first song that came on was POWER by Kanye West. I was already in a spiteful mood, and this song got me going. I went on a rampage for the next five minutes. In the final paragraph of my essay, I called the essay (and all of human curiosity) "useless" because "on the off chance I actually come up with something you think is meaningful, I'll just forget about it in a week when summer starts!" and wrote whatever spiteful, proverbial middle finger I could come up with, and decided I would not revise or reread the essay at all because WWKWD (What Would Kanye West Do?)
TL;DR: Kanye West inspired me to write an essay where I complained about how useless English class is instead of what the prompt was about. And I didn't revise.
69username69: No dude it was your fault. I write essays while listening to Kanye all of the time but never are they spiteful. That is like saying writing essays while listening to Drake will make the essay depressing.
firesquasher: > I write essays while listening to Kanye all of the time
> *listening to Kanye all of the time*
> *listening to Kanye*
> *all of the time*
> *Kayne*
What the fuck is wrong with you?
69username69: Great hype. It keeps the intelectual juices flowing. :)
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1401944395 | 1401948877 | t3_27cx40 | t5_2to41 | 9 | Justdowhatever93: TIFU by not being able to replace my car's battery.
I know this doesn't really sound that bad, but there's a lot of context underneath it all. Basically, my grandpa is has had a lot of health issues lately and he had to go to an assisted living home for about a month and he just came home Tuesday. I would have been there to greet him but I'm currently away at college and the battery for my car is dead. There is literally no one I know on campus except my roommate but neither one of us knows how to jump a car and don't want to take the risk of injury if we do it wrong. While it's true that campus police can jump my car, I recently just found out that my inspection sticker are and license plate stickers are both overdue, so I doubt contacting them would be a bad idea. So today I walked three miles to the nearest auto parts store, and the cheapest battery I could find was $75, but since I didn't have the old battery with me, they wanted to all tack on a $15 fee, which is more than I currently have in bank account. This is because I've been paying for my own food and expenses this summer, which apprently adds up quicker than I thought. Also, I've been unable to get a job this summer, because everything has been taken by other students nearby, so I'm not making any money either. The only way I can think of dealing with this is to ask my mother to transfer money into my account, which is actually the first time I've done sense I've been at college (I'm a rising senior). But my mother has a personality like sandpaper, and she loves holding these things above my head. The first time I even mildly screw something up, she'll be there to remind how incompetent and useless I am. She holds things above my head every chance she gets, and I've even bought most of my own things so that she has fewer options of what she can say she's done for me at literally every opportunity she gets. I know that taking care of my grandpa has added quite a bit of stress to her, and this is much more likely to happen again, but he is the person I love most in this world, so I guess I just have to bite the bullet and ask her, although I'm fucking dreading it.
joelwinsagain: Is your battery just dead or do you suspect it of being bad?
joelwinsagain: If you have tools you can take the battery to your parts store, and they will test it for free, and charge it for you if it's just dead. Alternatively, campus security or campus police can give you a jump as well if you don't have tools to remove your battery, or a ride to the parts store. That will at least let you know if it's dead or bad. If you do manage to get it jump started, let the engine run for at least ten minutes or so to give your alternator time to build up a charge for next time.
joelwinsagain: lol just noticed you mentioned you know they can jump it for you, that's what I get for skimming the wall of text, sorry about that
Justdowhatever93: maybe you should read the whole thing...
joelwinsagain: Yeah, I'm going to blame the drugs from the surgery I had today, this is probably my only chance to use that excuse lol
I think I just kinda spaced out while I was reading it, but still wanted to try to be helpful
Justdowhatever93: Wanna share :P lol jk its just been a long day
joelwinsagain: hahah, shoot I must have half a dozen bottles of various pain killers by now, most of them don't do anything for me other than severe constipation lol
| 8 | 1.125 | |
1401939830 | 1401947233 | t3_27cr8d | t5_2to41 | 19 | airresistanceisabish: TIFU by pressing "CTRL + Z"
So I'm backing up my photos in my cellphone and you now know where this is going.
I press CTRL + X to cut the photos (instead of CTRL + C to copy) from my phone because I did not want to spend 10 second of my time to delete them all later.
I press CTRL + V into a new folder on my laptop. They all appeared perfectly in the new folder.
For some goddamn reason I was unsatisfied with moving my photos and decided to undo everything and do it again (impulse actions).
CTRL + Z, the folder disappears just as planned. I go back to the phone photos to CTRL + X again and the folder is empty. Woo.
It was a year's worth of pictures. Yes, I am a major idiot for not backing up earlier. Yes, I checked the recycling bin. Yes, I pressed CTRL + Y to redo. By doing so the deleted folder did come back but all its contents are gone.
---
TL; DR - I'm a dumb ass and learned that undo-ing the creation of a folder will delete everything in it and NOT return the pictures to its original place.
pkg911: I never use the cut function anymore, waaayyy too many fuckups.
Much safer to copy/paste/delete.
Also I stopped Shift+deleting. I'd rather go through my Recycle Bin every month and clear out items I'm sure I no longer need.
Here's a tip for backing up photos though: use automated cloud backups/syncs. Pretty much all phone OSs have backup apps. I use OneDrive on my Windows Phone to sync everything.
airresistanceisabish: I have learned... Never again will I cut anything.
pkg911: Try the cloud services like I said, they come in handy and can really save you. Countless times I lost a USB with my presentation on it, but found it on the cloud. :)
airresistanceisabish: I should have done that a month ago when I had a fleeting thought: "Hm, I should probably convert to the cloud. Nah, I'm too lazy at the moment to get off my ass and make an account."
Going to get on it right now! c:
pkg911: *thumbs up*
| 6 | 3.166667 | |
1401944373 | 1401989595 | t3_27cx31 | t5_2to41 | 34 | sveyxc: TIFU by not knowing foreskin is suppose to pull backwards.
So I'm 20 years old and I did not know that foreskin is suppose to pull backwards. When I was in my teens watching porn, I've always wondered why my penis doesn't have the red mushroom tip. When I first started to masturbate, doing it furiously really hurt. My foreskin opening is very tight so you can imagine the pain if I tried to pull it back really fast when I masturbate. So I just rubbed my penis up and down with minimal displacement. I've always achieved orgasm so I never bothered with my penis' foreskin.
Now, I've started dating and the relationship got intimate. Today I was gonna have sex for the first time, but god damn did it really hurt. I was very eager to put my penis inside her so you can imagine how much pain I felt when the foreskin pulled back due to the friction between my foreskin her vaginal walls. Since the opening on my foreskin is very tight, I've achieved the male equivalent of having the genitals expanded due to intercourse. My glans was also extremely sensitive, not to mention how bad it smelled due to the 20 years of accumulated smegma.
My girlfriend is very empathetic about the whole thing, but it was such an embarrassment. Now I've just read every single article I can find about foreskin. God, why did I not learn about this in sex back in elementary?
Snf4le: I had the same thing. But I realized it with 14 when I was about to losse my virginity. I got circumcised and everything is good now ;)
But the 2-3 weeks after the circumcision were hell!
Don´t think it´s just a small operation, your whole penis is cut open and and swollen and it hurts! Also wearing clothes is painful for the first month, because you are extremly sensitive.
EmpatheticFool: Perhaps but circumcision should really be a last resort, many guys tend to want their foreskin back after realizing how much it damages their sensitivity. There was a guy who'd feel practically nothing from any intercourse because his dick lost that much sensitivity without any of the nerves that come in the foreskin.
Snf4le: I can only speak of my own experience. The doctor gave me a lube I had to apply on my foreskin and I had to stretch it. It didn´t work, even after 3 months it didn´t get better and there was really now way for me to have sex. I wasn´t even able to put it in her without extrem pain. So I decided to get circumcised.
Like I said, its not an easy operation and it hurts like hell the next month. But I am happy with my decision (I am 23 right now) and the sex is awesome. You are right, there are some men who don´t feel anything without the foreskin. I am just glad it didn´t happend to me.
Prospekt01: Curious, the situation with next to no sensitivity, is that more common in men who have it done at an older age? Or is it common in people who have had it done at/around birth as well.
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1401943792 | 1401978170 | t3_27cwfb | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU by parking too close to another car
This actually happened a few months ago, but everyone posts TIFU that didn't happen on the same day, so here it is.
A sports restaurant near me in Ontario, Canada called "Wacky Wings" has unlimited chicken wings in over 100 flavours every Wednesday. Now I've never been here before, so I decided to ask my friends if they wanted to try it out and we eventually made our way to participate in "Wacky Wednesday".
As I'm driving around the tiny parking lot, I notice it's really crowded (it was prime dinner time: around 7:30pm). So I'm circling to find a parking spot and I find one. Here's where IFU. When I was driving in the parking lot, I wasn't prepared to park in the spot I found, but since I found it, I kind of just immediately parked in there to get it over with. I didn't feel like turning perfectly and fixing the car if need be, so I just parked, a little badly I will admit. Now the car was parked a little too close to the parking spot line but still left enough room for the car beside's passenger to get through the door, since the car beside was parked in reverse. I figured it was enough room and I was too lazy to fix it so we went inside the restaurant, ate our amazing unlimited chicken wings, and came back outside around midnight.
When we returned, we hopped into the car, I turned the engine on and was about to drive away when we heard really loud noises coming from the right side of the car (the side that was parked too closely). Some pedestrian teenager outside tells me to stop the car and tells me I have two flat tires.
Turns out my parking really angered the next driver and his/her passengers, and they decided to slash two of my brand new tires. The guys helped me inspect it and pointed out the gashes in the tires indicating it was by knife (I thought the tire just randomly lost air since the air pressure light was on for a while).
Pretty bad ending to the night, had to call my dad past midnight to drive me, my girlfriend, and my 3 friends home. I park away from the other cars now. The worst part was when we were walking from the car to the restaurant, someone pointed out a closer parking spot that just emptied out and I dismissed it because I didn't want to re-park.
My car stayed there that night and the following night before my dad and I changed the two tires. I asked the sports wagering place in front of where my car was parked if they had any security cameras outside, but nothing.
**TL;DR:** Went to a restaurant with my friends, parked too close to another car, can assume a few wagering people in a bad mood slashed my new tires.
Cryptochitis: That's sucks. On the other hand, I have never heard of unlimited chicken wings, much less amazing chicken wings.
[deleted]: You've never had amazing wings?? :(
Cryptochitis: No, I have never heard of a restaurant or bar with unlimited wings.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1401933406 | 1401963883 | t3_27chbz | t5_2to41 | 47 | Heroofwar12: TIFU by accidentally being extremely racist
This actually happened a few years ago in seventh grade.
Alright, so let me start off by saying this is a very small charter school. There was only one classroom for each grade and it was PreK-7 grade. The 6th and 7th graders had to share a class. You had to wear a uniform at this school and everything, and most the kids you could tell have never been to a public school or anything. They rarely cursed or anything.
Anyway, it's black history month and we are tasked to get in groups of two and make a power point about black history month. The kid I am paired with is known to add goofy or completely random pictures at the ending of a powerpoint.
So this time, without him even paying attention, I decide that since I am in a group with him I will put the goofy pic of my choosing at the end. I think of something completely random, and trust me, I did not even THINK about being racist or putting this picture because of the theme of the powerpoint.
I put a picture of a smiling chimpanzee in a business suit at the end of the powerpoint and start pointing it out to the kids around me. Some of them definitely thought it was racist and were only giving off slight giggles. A kid pointed it out to the teacher to show how funny I am.
The teacher gasped and called me over to her desk. She asks what the hell I am thinking and tells me that is racist, but even after here saying that, I still have NOT a clue how that was racist at all. And this is odd, because I grew up in a family where we would quite often make racist jokes.
Later at home I am telling my parents the story and telling them how it's bs that I got in trouble. My brother asks "so what was the power point about anyway?" and I answer "It was just about Black History Mo-FUUUUUUUUCK!" at that exact moment I realized how much of a complete fucking idiot I am. Seriously, was I just completely retarded that day?
tl;dr: put a picture of an ape in a suit in a black history powerpoint, never realized it was racist at all
tishstars: One might say that a black person would've gone apeshit.
I'll show myself out.
DomCaboose: *slow clap*
Stay classy reddit
| 3 | 15.666667 | |
1401947935 | 1401993713 | t3_27d0xm | t5_2to41 | 4 | partypoopy: TIFU by trying to go to a party with new friends.
So I was invited to a "pool party" at a hotel in a hip metropolitan area about an hour away from where I live. I decided to go, because it sounded cool and I wanted to meet new people and be social.
So I got a ride with someone else in my area, and we got some fast food and headed to the shindig. On the way to find parking, we pass a few friends and wave at them.
We walk up to the door and stand in line a bit. I was nervous because I'd never been to the kind of trendy place that required you to be on *the list,* no clubs or anything. We get to the front, we're RSVP'd and it's fine so we head past the velvet rope thing. But thennn... another door guy pops in and asks for our IDs. Now, I was told by the person organizing the event that they would *NOT* be checking IDs at the door, but in hindsight I guess that just meant for the list. I tell the door guy that I won't be drinking (which is true), but he insists that I need to show him ID anyway. I should probably mention that the huge fuck-up part here is that I am twenty years old. I do have my ID, but I fumble around in my bag for a second and act like I forgot/lost it, hoping against all odds that that will work. The dude doesn't budge and I become even more panicked, so instead of doing what a normal person would do and just cutting my losses there, I actually take out my ID and hand it over. It clearly states "WILL BE AGE 21 IN 2015" on it, so he mutters "uhh it's 2014... so..." and awkwardly tells me that yeah, I definitely can't go in. Sorry.
Some people behind us wonder what the deal is (nobody's making a scene but I've obviously stalled things) and my ride loudly pipes up "it's because she's UNDERAAAAGED!" I was mortified. Now people are gonna know. I'd only met this group once or twice, so I don't really want them all to *know* I'm a complete idiot. As I awkwardly shuffle far, far away into the night, my ride texts me asking if I want her to try to negotiate with the people organizing the party to get me in. I insist that she tell nobody ever, and that I'm fine, and ohh how silly of me, hahaha. You know, just trying to play it off and hope nobody finds out or remembers.
I immediately mentally beat myself up and wonder why I even attempted to go, because *of course* if there's a bar next to the pool it's going to be age-restricted. But nobody setting up the party mentioned it, and I've been to a ton of concerts where if you're under 21 you simply don't get a wristband like the alcohol-imbibers do. Therefore I was just assuming/hoping for the best. Now I know to not do that.
Luckily I know someone who lives nearby and was able to pick me up, so I wasn't stranded in the city at night and it wasn't as monumental a fuckup as it could have been. But I'd been gushing to everyone about how excited I was for the pool party, and how I was looking forward to seeing everyone there. Now I have no idea what I'm going to say if anyone wonders why they didn't see me.
Fuck.
Prospekt01: Ugh America. Thank god you can do what ever you want at 18 here.
xluminosityx: Except gamble...And go to bars...and most clubs including strip joints.
Prospekt01: Whoops! I meant to say here in Canada.
| 4 | 1 | |
1401952467 | 1402003020 | t3_27d5ax | t5_2to41 | 37 | yourgirlsamus: TIFU by giving myself an ass piercing while trying to take a shit.
>I'm a little chick... Not short, but skinny.
>My shorts fall down a lot.
>I put a pin in my shorts waistband to hold them tighter.
>I used a SAFETY pin.
>Had to take a shit.
>Took a shit.
>Wiped.
>Pulled up pants.
>Felt the wrath of a thousand pissed off fire ants in one minute spot on ass.
>Look at ass.
>Start to pull off shorts to get better view of said ass.
>Realize I gave myself a piercing...and it's still connected to me.
>Go to find camera phone for r/wtf.(high pain tolerance)
>Don't get picture BC stupid pin falls out and I start to bleed.
>(Considered remaking the event purely for internet enjoyment...then realize that's pretty fucked up)
TL;DR: pierced my ass with a safety pin then failed to get photographic proof.
DrZombie1: Must have fucking hurt like hell.
[deleted]: No... It hurt like shit!
Eat_The_Muffin: Shitty joke ;)
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1401957830 | 1402306641 | t3_27d5jb | t5_2to41 | 82 | MovieMarker: I'm poorly eggucated.
ThrowAwayForFap115: I would come up with a pun but my mind is just scrambled.
cpttravis: lol i didnt EGGspect this many puns
indihannahjones: all these puns are poorly eggxicuted, come on guys, you can do batter than that
ThrowAwayForFap115: Nice to see you want to mix it up a bit.
Balboa_Constrictor: Don't egg him on.
theRayeGun: That actually sounded pretty eggciting.
Xhkpw: I learned well from this eggsample
DonSlice: I swear to god, I'm going to hump the next person that makes an egg pun.
etherealstasis: Well eggscuse us for trying to enjoy a little levity.
ThrowAwayForFap115: So /u/DonSlice you have made a commitment on the internets, and as well all know this must now be executed. You now must "hump" /u/etherealstasis...use protection.
| 11 | 7.454545 | |
1401961718 | 1401985908 | t3_27dcdj | t5_2to41 | 49 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to masturbate [F21]. Nsfw.
Hi. Yeah so I bunk with a roomy (literally I have top bunk) and I was feelin about that time to pleasure myself while my roomy is sleeping. I climb up like something out of mission impossible and climb over clutter like I'm avoiding laser to keep her from waking up. I made it to my bed and she's still snoring! Score! I snuggle in, load up my favorite porn site on my phone and start browsin. I haven't found anything too interesting yet and my neck is starting to kink due to a crappy pillow and half-way sit up position. Next thing I know I hear the front door shut. My other roomies are home lurking about. So I get up to lock my room door craftily once more, and proceed. Before it starts getting good I hear bottom bunk sniffle as if she's been awake the whole time. My masturbating was vicious enough to rock the bed a bit to disrupt her sleep. So I wait it out until she falls back asleep. I have to because the window casts the reflection of the porno, simply turning over toward the window would reveal all my dirty deeds. So I wait. And hear soft, so I'm good to go. By this time I'm paranoid that she'll see the screen on the window so I put my phone under the covers, making an even more uncomfortable position on my neck. At some point I gave up and put the phone down. But, alas, goddamnit I was gonna finish the job. The selection of pornos was horrible, my fingers had gotten pruney, my neck officially kinked and in pain, and because of everything, it officially took me 2 hours to get off. Worst masturbation session, ever.
EDIT: wrote this on my phone and it was hard to go through looking for typos:
*lasers *craftily climb down and up the bed once more * hear soft snoring
kevin_k: TIL guys get carpal tunnel and girls get "pruney fingers"
demon_stare7: 90% sure OP is female.
kevin_k: 100% sure I knew that. The 'guys get carpal tunnel' I knew from personal experience. OP made me aware of 'pruney fingers'
demon_stare7: I'm 100% sure I misread/misunderstood your original comment. My bad.
| 5 | 9.8 | |
1401968064 | 1402017324 | t3_27dhj5 | t5_2to41 | 1,038 | Technophite: TIFU By taking a call while I had my snake out.
This morning my day started as usual, awake before five AM to prepare for another exciting day at work when I'd taken my snake out of its terrarium to keep it used to being handled whenever it hadn't eaten recently. Cue to snake coiled around leg while sitting at desk (Room setup is ~220 sq ft with computer desk/queen bed/fridge/bookshelf/terrarium) and the arrival of an untimely phone-call which would hold my attention for a lengthy span of time.
As I was finishing up the phone call I realized that the snake had at some point slithered off, knowing snakes and their penchant for warm places my first instinct was realized as I spun around to see a tail disappearing behind the fridge into the heated inner workings. Mildly frantic I dropped to the ground and understood immediately I wouldn't be able to fit my hand under while the fridge was happily planted flat on the floor; my quick wit led to me coercing the snake out of the arcane pipes it was tangled in to the nice flat area where if I could reach under would be able to retrieve it effortlessly. Having decided on this course of action I pulled the fridge out from the wall (had mat under it so couldn't just slide it off snake) and prepared to tilt it up.
Now, all of this seems innocent enough until I'm lying on the ground and start to tilt the fridge, I hear things sliding and then much shattering of glass as spices fall around me right before my jar of powdered habanero lands in front of me and explodes into my eyes.
Pain.
Confusion.
Panic.
Here I am suddenly rendered unable to see or breathe much with excruciating agony while I'm holding a full sized fridge tilting over me, through the fog of anguish I somehow still have the presence of mind to retrieve the snake without killing it or dropping the fridge on myself.
Snake ends up back in its cage while I spend most of the day with my face in a bucket of milk.
The situation arose because I forgot that I'd reorganized my bedroom and transferred most of my spices, condiments and confectionery to the top of my fridge and didn't look up before I tried to fetch. Thought somebody might get as much of a laugh out of my misfortune as I get from other peoples.
coriacea: I thought the snake in the title was going to be something else ;)
DroidLogician: I thought that up through
> take my snake out of its terrarium
The innuendos on this sub are so out there sometimes that I believed this one.
MachinaExDeo: > to keep it used to being handled whenever it hadn't eaten recently
Full marks if you made it past here still convinced...
SlumdogSkillionaire: > Cue to snake coiled around leg
And you lost me...
MachinaExDeo: To the other occupants of this crowded train carriage now looking at me rather strangely as I spray my mouthful of coffee everywhere in laughter: my apologies.
DroidLogician: Butterfly effect: type a comment on reddit in California, then an hour later, somewhere in Britain a man spews hot coffee all over his fellow train riders.
Hackurtu: And in Australia!
| 8 | 129.75 | |
1401970328 | 1402061482 | t3_27djmz | t5_2to41 | 242 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my best friend I have a major crush on her while high on morphine.
It was actually last night, but I got out of surgery, and was on morphine because they had to fix a deviated septum, AKA snap my nose, and I had my phone and I texted her [this.](http://imgur.com/a38PFwh) She hasn't responded and I hope I didn't ruin things considering she's one of 2 friends I still have after a bad break up with her best friend 2 months ago.
**Update:** She said it's fine, and it's also good that I didn't bring it up at a bad time, she fell asleep so we're continuing talking tomorrow.
u_fkn_wot_m8: Morphine did you a favour.
If she responds and feels the same way, jackpot.
If she responds and does not reciprocate your feelings, you can still be friends.
If she totally ignores you and tries to pretend it never happened, she's a bitch not worthy of your time and affection.
God speed OP
[deleted]: I hope it goes well.
[deleted]: This is all too familiar. Literally this week I did a similar thing. Except I kissed her, I didn't simply tell her. Also, it's on TIFU as well.
[deleted]: I'll have to see how it plays out. Has your situation gotten better?
[deleted]: Turns out there is another guy she is interested in. She was into me at first, but then he came along. We are still friends.
[deleted]: Friends is better than nothing, I've lost too many lately.
[deleted]: My condolences
[deleted]: Shit happens.
spaeth455: Had something similar happen, but I was totally sober. We were in college and I told her how I felt, she did not feel the same way. We kept being best friends and a couple weeks later we hooked up. Never had a relationship though.
[deleted]: Updated
because_physics: I expect more updates OP, did you give her the D?
[deleted]: Nope.
| 13 | 18.615385 | |
1401964993 | 1401979787 | t3_27deun | t5_2to41 | 333 | audiorape: TIFU by shaving with hair clippers
Alright, this wasn't today - but then neither are most of these posts, so let's plough on.
Cast your minds back seven years so; a younger, thinner, but still hairy me was preparing to spend a night on the town. For years I'd maintained a short, stubbly beard by shaving it with hair clippers rather than a razor (I'd later go on to do it properly and grow it like a real man, but that's not the point). The hair clippers I had were proper, heavy, wall-socketed clippers that would have been better suited to doing an entire head rather than half a face, but they definitely did the trick.
It took a while to trim and style the stubble as even then it threatened to engulf my entire neck and grew at a prodigious rate. I finished the job, and paused to admire the view in the mirror, clippers still running. I was standing there naked to facilitate getting in the shower and cleaning off all the trimmings, and it was about then that a thought hit me. The old chap was a little bit on the foresty side, and could probably use a trim as well.
I did a little bit of careful deforestation with the clippers (I'd cut myself with them once before, and wasn't going to make that mistake again). By this point I'd been running the clippers for a while.
So long, in fact, that the metal back plate on the clippers themselves had begun to heat up. It wasn't massively noticeable on my face, most likely as I'd gotten used to the slow increase in heat rather than noticing it all at once. I hadn't actually touched skin on my undercarriage, as I was intending to leave a little bit of length down there - but all the while, it had been getting hotter.
Carefully, very carefully, I trimmed down some length on my balls. And... well, I didn't cut myself, at least.
I touched the hot backplate of the clippers to one of my testicles. I let out a little yelp as the sensitive skin there sizzled, and in my pain lost my grip on the clippers. The hot, heavy, running clippers.
Which landed business end down on the top of my right foot and gouged a nice chunk out of it.
Have you ever tried hopping on one foot, bleeding and swearing, whilst cupping your balls?
lastcowboyinthistown: My balls tingled with sympathy pain
venato_ursi: I don't have balls and I too felt sympathy tingle.
Fantastipotamus: (lost them in a tragic hair clipper accident)
venato_ursi: How did you know? :(
audiorape: Gotta be careful with those clippers.
| 6 | 55.5 | |
1401974054 | 1401980157 | t3_27dnwr | t5_2to41 | 20 | Murican_Freedom1776: TIFU by putting baby lotion on instead of sunblock.
TL;DR I accidentally put baby lotion on instead of sunblock. Now I have blisters on 85% of my upper body.
This actually happened a few days ago. But since I'm at the hospital I should seize the calm opportunity to tell you guys about my fuck up.
I am very sensitive to the sun so I have to wear sunblock when I go outside. I went swimming a few days ago with my friends. His wife accidentally packed baby lotion instead of sunblock in our hurry to beat the crowd to the pool.
I put on the "sunblock" as soon as I get there. We spend hours swimming at the pool. I didn't even think about looking at the bottle to double check if it was sunblock, I was just in a hurry to join my friends in the pool.
Now I have 85% of my upper body covered in blisters and I'm sitting in the hospital.
UPDATE: they sent me home with instructions to take pain medicine and lidocaine. So I put the lidocaine on and take the pain pill. Ten minutes later I'm at the hospital again. Apparently I'm allergic to lidocaine. Luckily it wasn't a severe reaction, just enough to cause severe burning and a rash.
mythrowawayresponse: > His wife accidentally packed baby oil instead of sunblock
hrm... wives seem to "accidentally" do a lot of things don't they...
Skyline969: I think you're trying to imply something that isn't there. It seems like an honest mistake, full stop.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1401982299 | 1401983689 | t3_27e035 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by bumping a truck then driving away...17yo me didn't even realize I had done a hit and run until I was home..halP?
ManicMage: If it makes you feel any better when I was 16 I hit a cop and kept going but
they were in the middle of trying to get. someone else so they just glared at me and turned around and continued on. I was terrified for the next week that they had gotten my liscense plate number and were going to come get me. But nothing ever came of it
halpthrowaway2: That is reassuring, thanks Mage.
| 3 | 2.666667 |
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