start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1401984115 | 1401991054 | t3_27e39f | t5_2to41 | 4 | fwddnd: TIFU by having a threesome with my cousin and a random girl, he stuck a vodka bottle in her ass, and then went and poured free shots to her friends downstairs.
Voyager5555: 25 on the bullshit meter.
Prospekt01: I'm curious what the bottom and top of this meter look like.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1401983437 | 1401998997 | t3_27e21k | t5_2to41 | 116 | jimbogatenby: TIFU, by having a shower (NSFW)
Today (not really), I fucked up by having a shower. It was the morning after a messy stag doo, nasty stripper, people on fire, people too drunk, etc. etc. I had at some point in the night tripped on the curb and went face first into a wall, slight head damage, nothing too major, but my friends thought I was knocked the fuck out as I lay there quiet and motionless. That was until my friend went to pick me up and i decided that was the moment i needed a piss. So, whipping my dick out, I started to have a piss, while still not upright, pissing on myself :-(
So.. back to the next morning when I wake up to this fact and go for a shower. Still absolutely hammered drunk. We we're staying in a caravan near a beach (not the strippers highlight of her career I bet) and the shower and an iffy handle for the on/off and temperature. Not being able to turn it off I started violently attacking the handle until the shower did, indeed, turn off.
For 1 second. Then it came back on with the fury of a thousand suns as the cold water was off but the hot water came on in full. I whelped and shrieked as I was boiled alive in a tiny shower cubicle.
One day later, I'm back home with my wife, having a shower in the morning and forgetting most of the previous day's shower, to see all the skin peeling off my nut sack and shaft. It took me another day to remember why that had happened. The wife still laughs at me every time I burn myself even a little.
TL;DR A shower burnt off all the skin on my balls as revenge for poor treatment.
NutHips: But, hot water on your balls feels good.
GravekeepersGod: Burning your balls off feels good?
Damn kids and their fetishes these days.......
NutHips: Maybe I should visit a doctor.....
LostMyLastAccount: *Couldn't* be the worst thing you'll ever do.
NutHips: Maybe I'll just turn up the heat until my balls blister.
GravekeepersGod: Can you feel it NOW, /u/NutHips?
| 7 | 16.571429 | |
1401989109 | 1402015657 | t3_27ebs4 | t5_2to41 | 187 | [deleted]: TIFU: By having a bat after surgery.
So 4 years ago when I was but a wee child of 14, I was still unable to pull my foreskin back past the head. But was still enjoying a wank every other day. I tried slowly stretching it every day for a couple months to no avail. I then tried some cream my doctor gave me to hopefully loosen the skin up to stretch further. When boners started coming more regularly It got painful so to the chopping board I went. And my little anteater was no more.
15 bio-degradable stitches later and I sore my purple helmeted warrior for the first time in 14 years. Swollen, sore, wrapped in bandages super sensitive against my pants from never touching anything other than my foreskin it was almost in a constant state of erection. After 4 days of no release I thought it would be a good time for its first test drive...
Being super careful and only giving it baby tugs I began. The added sensation to my tip was too much at that time and once I started I couldn't stop, but the baby tugs wasn't enough, so I tugged a little harder. then I smelt it. the strong earthy smell of my own blood...
8/15 of the stitches has torn and I was freaking the fuck out. the visit to the ER was a memory I would like to forget.
Oki_Orph: Guys sometimes complain that they got circumcised because they want their foreskin. Frankly, I'm entirely okay with not having to go through any of this.
Stax138: why the down votes? i bet its abunch of dudes who LOVE foreskins
EDIT: Bunch of over sensitive pricks....... duh dump tshhhhh
Riccars: [Here is Stefan Molyneux's talk about circumcision.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLmU6xTdeTI) I recommend you watch it.
KingOfRages: Holy shit... I went through that... Me as a baby got fucked up.
| 5 | 37.4 | |
1401988464 | 1402003409 | t3_27ean8 | t5_2to41 | 6 | kekekimchi: TIFU by paying in cash instead of card.
I ordered online Papa Gino's delivery. This is not something that is new to me, normally, I pay online, but due to lack of funds I could only pay with physical currency. The total came to $13.12 with tax and a $2.00 delivery fee.
I had notified in the delivery instructions that I had a 5 and a 1 dollar bill and that the rest would be paid in quarters, so with the best intentions in mind, I instructed for that whomever to deliver my long awaited meal, to bring a coin purse.
Upon the arrival of the delivery man, I had counted out all required change and left it on the kitchen counter. Feeling hospitable, I invited him inside while I obtain the money. Unfortunately,I incidentally left a picture of the world's most expensive dildo on my laptop screen, which was clear to see and in open view.
Much to my dismay, it had also come to my realization that I had overpaid by $2.00. I prepared $15.12(excluding the tip.)The delivery fee of the same $2.00 was already included in the cost of my goods.
TL;DR I accidentally left a picture of a dildo on my laptop for the delivery guy to see and overpaid by 2 dollars.
Prospekt01: Sucks about the $2.00, But the dildo is priceless. To be honest he probably didn't think much of it. Especially since you gave him a slightly bigger tip than you normally would have.
kekekimchi: He almost instantly said something along the lines of, "I'll just leave this here." And left the food on the end table near the entrance. I have learned to press win+l when I leave the computer now.
Eat_The_Muffin: He thought you were going to use it on him.
Why else would you bring him inside then show it to him?
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1401991100 | 1402014094 | t3_27ef5m | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU By Using My Moms Phone
So it started out as your average day, and lunch time came so we went out to eat. I was txting my friend of my phone when it died so i asked to borrow my moms phone to explain what happened and to send him a pic of my amazing lunch, i swear there was so much food i wasn't sure how i'd ever eat it all. So after i took the pic i opened up a new message and went to select the pic....and oh god i made the BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE. I was greeted with 3 to 4 pics of the saggiest butt i think I've ever seen! Hoping, Praying that it wasn't what i thought it was my mom looked over cause i had gotten deathly silent, and realized what i had seen and took her phone immediately and started laughing so hard. She explained that she was trying a new skin firming cream, THAT'S WHERE I STOPPED HER, TMI. Needless to say i didnt eat very well.
MikeOxsbig: Post the pictures or it didn't happen.
Tacocat819_Matt: I was sitting here waiting for someone to say this :p
MikeOxsbig: I focus on the important questions!
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1401990686 | 1402017024 | t3_27eegy | t5_2to41 | 19 | Shackleface: TIFU by relapsing into smoking cigarettes.
I had just gone out, after a lapse in willpower, to buy a pack of cigarettes from the BP across the street. When I pulled down the hill into my apartment complex, there was a car waiting to go on the right side. I turned left. They followed me. Immediately, I figured that was weird. People who live on one side have no reason to come to the other. Anyways, I found a parking spot, they passed me, turned around, and stopped.
There were three of them, all Hispanic, in a beat up sedan. A driver, a passenger, and another in the back.
"Can you tell us where building 14 is?"
"Yeah, it's right down the hill, on the left."
"Okay, thanks man." And they pulled forward.
I thought to myself,
"Okay, that's why they pulled from the other side. They were looking for their friend's or dealer's apartment. Whatever.
They stopped about 50 feet ahead of me. A guy with a bandanna hops out of the back with a gun pointed at me.
"Get on the ground. Give me everything you have in your pockets. Get on the ground, NOW!"
I decided I wasn't going to get on the ground, and that he wasn't going to get my wallet or phone. I decided not to immediately pull those out.
"I don't have any cash on me, man. All I carry is plastic. You won't be able to use them anyways."
"GET ON THE GROUND AND GIVE ME ALL YOUR SHIT!"
"I'm not getting on the ground. Do you want these cigarettes? Here, you can have them."
I held the cigarettes out, he snatched them from my hand. Then the guy riding shotgun starts yelling at him in Spanish. He turns around, begins to hop in the car, and they start to speed away, causing him to almost fall out of the car. As they slowed to go over a speed bump, I got their tag number. Then I called the cops.
JAShoe: Nice Job Hanz
Shackleface: I wish I understood this reference.
JAShoe: Watch Seven Psychopaths
Shackleface: I will do that.
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1401991482 | 1401992770 | t3_27eft1 | t5_2to41 | 17 | saintfourzero: TIFU by using the toilet before my grandmother.
So my grandmother has just come over from Hong Kong, to stay with my family for a month. I haven't seen her in about 6 years, and as she is from Hong Kong and i'm from the UK, theres not really much for us to talk about as she doesn't speak any English.
Its her first day here, and our family has taken her around where i live, and we have just returned from lunch and i realise i need a shit.
Also its worth noting about two nights ago i pulled an all nighter trying to do coursework, and i drank about 5 energy drinks that night/morning, and hadn't shit yet.
So i sit on the toilet and drop this incredible mess, takes me about 20 minutes to wipe up etc ( needed to flush the toilet 3 times )
Just as i'm leaving the bathroom i see my grandmother getting up to use the same toilet. I sit down behind my desk, which is parallel to the toilet door as my room is right next to the toilet, and i pray its not that smelly ( you know how when you have been sat in a smell for so long and then can't tell if it smells anymore )
around 3 seconds after she enters the bathroom, i hear the door open and relentless coughing follow.
Ive just been sat in my room, and i have to eat dinner with them soon :S
Dufusite: You must be a female.... Women have the biggest hang-up about #2s for some reason.
Don't worry... I'm sure your G-Ma has smelled much worse things in her life. The coughing is probably unrelated to the smell of your mess, and more of a cultural thing - she was probably holding that cough till she could be in the bathroom because she didn't want to "spread germs".
saintfourzero: I'm a guy aha! Usually I'm not bothered it's just that that's going to be the first thing that pops into her head when I'm brought up for like the next 3 years
Dufusite: > I'm a guy aha!
Are you sure? (haha, j/k)
Seriously, don't over think it... She's probably already forgotten.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1401993309 | 1402014704 | t3_27eizd | t5_2to41 | 1,048 | AlabamaH0tp0cket: TIFU by looking at a NSFW post while at work.
Bitch_Karma: you need to talk to your "buddy"!
CyberFreq: He's not his buddy, pal!
YouDoneMessedUpAAron: He's not his pal, friend!
AwfulAnswersAnon: hes not his friend, Guy!
whirlin_dervish: He's not his guy, buddy!
Built_From_Rubbish: He's not his buddy, comrade!
AdrianBlake: Minus 12???
craniumonempty: That's cold!
AdrianBlake: Lol why am I now being downvoted, why is he, what is this?
craniumonempty: I don't really know. I try not to think about it too much. I was just making a joke from the words you gave with hopes it would draw some upvotes to you fully expecting to get downvoted also. I suspect the other poster got downvoted because it wasn't a direct quote (even though it shouldn't matter) or it was too far down the tree, and you got some downvotes as a reaction. It happens. Sometimes I comment on things expecting or hoping for downvotes and get none. There are just tons of people with vastly differing opinions. So, whoever comes by will do what they want.
Edit: changed "really" to "vastly"
AdrianBlake: Omg I feel so stupid.....
I thought you meant "That's harsh!" ... I didnt even get the temperature reference lol
craniumonempty: It was a double meaning. Harsh because he got low points and the temp reference. I try too hard sometimes.
AdrianBlake: I think I'm just too tired lol
craniumonempty: Yeah, tired/drunk redditing gets me in trouble a lot.
| 15 | 69.866667 | |
1401993956 | 1401999997 | t3_27ek3p | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking a girl out on a date on facebook.
I'm a senior in high school who does standup comedy. Two years ago, I dated a girl who I really liked, but broke up with me after a few months. She was hilarious and smart and really cute. We didn't really keep in contact until recently when we saw each other at a party. That evening I had a set at a club, and I told her to come. She came and told me afterwards that she was really impressed and said she thought I was the best comic there. (My set really killed, I know she meant it. She's very honest. When I first told her I wanted to be a standup comedian while we were dating, she told me she thought that was a dumb idea.)
I've been going through quite a dry spell lately, and seeing her really boosted my confidence. But because I'm young and immature, I just associated her with that confidence boost and decided to ask her out. Unfortunately the only way to contact her that I had was through Facebook.
So I messaged her: Heya,
It was really nice to see you this weekend. I forgot how funny you are. I know this is kind of out of the blue if you wanted to go see a movie or something this summer, I think it'd be fun. Let me know.
She politely shot me down. Saying it was nice to see me too, but she wasn't interested in being in a relationship. I just feel like an immature idiot. We've been broken up for two years, why can't I get over this girl? It's not like I haven't dated other girls. Why can't I get girls to like me? I'm like 0 for my last 6.
I am dumb.
[deleted]: I wouldn't say you are dumb. You gave it a shot and she let you know that she wasn't interested. No big deal. The only way this can become a negative is if you let it keep you from trying to ask out the next girl that comes along.
P.S.
Keep chasing your comedy dreams. From a person sitting at his awful desk job contemplating quitting with no idea where I would go from here. God speed!
This_is_my_7th_try: You're right, I'm not going to let it shake my confidence. Thanks.
And Thank you! I'm really excited. I'm moving to New York for school and standup in august.
[deleted]: That is freakin awesome man. Hopefully, one day I'll get to see your bit in a sold out arena!
| 4 | 3 | |
1401996519 | 1402013522 | t3_27eoqb | t5_2to41 | 70 | CuriousStraightBro: TIFU by having popcorn in my asshole
So... I'm a guy who really likes things in his ass (hah, as if you wouldn't realize that by reading this..)
This morning I woke up stupid horny and immediately went into the bathroom to tickle the pickle for a bit. As I'm getting into it, naturally a few fingers found their way into my ass. It felt nice and pleasant times were had.
So I'm sitting there going to town on myself with one hand above and one hand below, and as I'm about to climax I feel a turd enter the scene down below. *Not nowww! I'm almost done!*
I ignored it and kept furiously poking at my prostate. Pretty gross, but I was so close! Then came this sudden, searing pain right where my finger was and I immediately doubled over and might have screamed a little... *What the FUCK was that...?*
I remove my finger and stuck under my fingernail is the sheath of a popcorn kernel, all bloody and stabby looking... Oh yeah, that's right, I had popcorn last night didn't I... And apparently I'd just shanked the inside of my colon with an undigested bit of kernel.
Cue immediate boner loss & panic attack. I grabbed some toilet paper and wiped... And there was a very red smear on it. So I jumped in the shower and held my throbbing butthole to the hot water, hoping that that would ease the pain.... It didn't, though.
I called out of work and now I'm sitting here trying to work up the courage to call a doctor. I'm pretty positive I need to see one... There was a scary amount of blood. Not a "I'm about to bleed to death" amount, but a "there's definitely some damage down there" amount.... I know it'd be an even bigger fuckup not to get this checked out, but damnit, I *really* don't want to show the doctor my bleeding poop chute :(
Resdrak: And to think, I just made a post to /r/Askreddit about prostate orgasms and now I'm reading about prostate popping. How nice.
LePure: > I just made a post to /r/Askreddit[1] about prostate orgasms
No you did not..
Resdrak: [Look harder.](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/27bh4q/what_are_some_things_about_gay_sex_that_a/chzglwh)
LePure: Hah, I thought you submitted a question, that's what being a drunk DJ gets you! Hahahah...
| 5 | 14 | |
1401999842 | 1402023682 | t3_27euhw | t5_2to41 | 15 | extremisvaccine: TIFU by irritating my father and getting accused of "racism."
(For the record, I am a teenager. This detail is actually necessary to understand the following story.)
This whole incident started on a rather innocuous reference that I made to a brief news story about Chinese oil development in Nigeria. My father noted that Chinese economic investments in the region had been increasing for quite some time over the years, and he speculated that this move was primarily designed to increase Chinese political influence in the region.
Picking up the conversation from here, I also noted that Chinese immigration to that particular region of Africa was also serving to increase the population to unsustainable levels. In addition, I cited concerns that Chinese nationals were often abusing/mistreating the natives and engaging in a form of neo-colonialism.
My father wasn't too impressed with this argument, and immediately charged that this conclusion of mine is the result of "racism." He insisted that I'd "best stop while I was ahead" (because, apparently, he believes that I've got a reputation for this sort of thing).
Tl;dr
Got into a tense political discussion with my father that ended up gaining unfortunate racial implications.
FreshNigerianPrince: Sorry to hear that. I'd just let the situation cool down for now, he's your dad so he should be cool if you talk to him later. What I don't understand is how your statement is racist...
doctor__spaceman: Excuse me, your highness, Doctor__Spaceman, RDDT News. Tell me, how is the royal family responding to these allegations of "neo-colonialism" by the People's Republic of China? Do you plan to do anything about the abuse and mistreatment of your people?
FreshNigerianPrince: That's a great question, Mr. Doctor__Spaceman. We're currently funneling some of our royal family riches to pay for giant stereos to blast "Fight the Power" in opposition of neo-colonialism. We're also trying to get those overseas to help in this effort, and will reward them with a hefty sum of money...^^provided ^^I ^^get ^^some ^^personal ^^information...
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1401996182 | 1402035614 | t3_27eo48 | t5_2to41 | 89 | DownFallSyndrome: TIFU by not logging out of skype on my dad's phone.
So 3 days ago my girlfriend called me asking to do some face time on Skype. I left my phone back at my place and I was doing stuff with my Dad. So I grab his phone and get on skype. Well ends up I never logged out....
So jump to last night, I'm on my phone on Skype, talking real dirty to my girlfriend. She is into BSDM so we are talking about punishments and what not. Ends up the whole time my dad is receiving these messages on his phone as well....he just texted me about how to fix his phone, I'm so fucking embarrassed.
Oh and yes, there was a dick pic sent as well....
ioncebitacactus: Oh man you sent your dad a dick pic
DownFallSyndrome: I sent my girlfriend a dick pic, my dad just happened to receive it too....
ioncebitacactus: Did he say anything to you?
DownFallSyndrome: He wasn't mad, just let down a little that I talk that way.
because_physics: >He wasn't mad, just let down that it's little
FTFY
| 6 | 14.833333 | |
1402004973 | 1402006527 | t3_27f3fm | t5_2to41 | 82 | Jnoggynog: TIFU: texting back a wrong number
So I was minding my own business when I received a text saying " hey it's linger " it was an unknown number, so I decided to have some fun. One thing led to another and I found out that this person is in a gang, he thinks I'm his sister, him and our gang member 2k have to go to court for something to do with a disclosure?, they hate cops, their friend nick ratted them out, and he has to go in for questioning. I don't know what to say now, I've gone to far into this convo to confess now, I know to much. Oh god what do.
Tl:dr I am in a gang now
Lockjaw7130: Wow. Erm. What to do? I think I'd just turn off my phone for a year or something and hope it goes away.
Jnoggynog: I don't know man. I don't know.
| 3 | 27.333333 | |
1402007506 | 1402155969 | t3_27f7ip | t5_2to41 | 437 | Calitexian: TIFU by asking my girlfriend for a dirty picture.
I just got back from a visit with my girlfriend in California. We miss each other a lot already, and Its been an emotional few days. So we were on the phone and after cheering eachother up, I asked for a dirty picture. She said yes, she rarely says no, and we hung up. A few minutes later I got a text from her that wasn't what I expected. "Oh my god..... Im fucking shaking right now..." and another text right after, "I am so humiliated...". I freaked out...figuring her mom walked in on her taking a dirty picture. I asked what happened. She replied with the worst 6 words she could have used..."I sent it to your mom...". Mom is at work right now and doesn't check her phone on the clock...so its just sitting there....marinading In her phone...til her shift let's out...
Update in the comments!!! Sooooooo lucky! Woo!
Edit:This is getting a lot more attention than I was expecting...not sure how I feel.about that x)
Calitexian: UPDATE: IS THERE A SUBREDDIT CALLED "LUCKIEST DAY OF MY LIFE"!!??
I went down to Chilis, (I work there too so I can go behind the bar and in the back), and talked to mom. Came up with some bullshit about not feeling good. Ordered food from her. She went to get my food....I off hand told her I was going to get a number out of her phone of a friend of hers who went to the same cosmetology school that my girl is going to, so she can ask her some questions...and I grabbed the phone from under the bar...and made them disappear. PLUS I got food. Wow. Wow...fucking WOW!!!!
-Mattwi: I hope you sent yourself the picture before you deleted it.
Calitexian: I seriously considered it...and almost did. And really regreted that I didn't...x) she even told me that I should've.
Jellayrei: I'm going to go ahead and call that a minor loss seeing as how you can probably get more pics in the future (and she probably will be extra careful from now on). If your mom saw it... well that kind of thing probably doesn't resolve itself as readily.
Calitexian: Wait...then why is it a minor loss?
Jellayrei: I just meant compared to what almost happened, losing one (semi-replaceable) pic of your girlfriend seems like a small price to pay, you know?
Calitexian: Oh. Yeah I totally agree! I felt like superman on the way home. She said I get "Extra bonus brownie points" for that whole fiasco.
| 8 | 54.625 | |
1402007804 | 1402034413 | t3_27f81c | t5_2to41 | 817 | masonc09: TIFU by buying a deaf kid headphones for his birthday
So TIFU by buying a deaf person headphones for their birthday. Actually it was last weekend and I just hadn’t gotten around to posting it yet because I am still mortified by the entire situation.
A little background on the story. So a couple weeks ago I met a girl and we had been out on a couple dates. We hit it off pretty well so I decided to go for gold and get a third date. Unfortunately the only day I was available was Sunday because of work. She said we could do whatever but we had to stop by her parents house for her younger brothers birthday. I was pretty into this girl surprisingly after only seeing her twice and thought this would be a great way to impress the family by surprising him with a present. BUT me being low on fundage I couldn’t really afford to go out and get something. So I scrounge around my apartment trying to decided what a teenage boy might like. Then I remembered that my parents had gotten me some fancy over the ear headphones which I hadn’t opened. More of an ear bud kinda guy. But anyway, I wrapped them up and prepared for a great day.
I pick her up and we head over to her parents and she introduces me to everyone including her brother WHO spoke near perfectly. Still thinking I'm golden we sit down and have dinner and everything is great. Then came the cake and presents. I say I left something in my car and go grab my ticket to riding the vaj railway. Everyone is thrilled and insists he open mine first. He tears into it like a kid into his prom dates dress at the after party. AND THEN COMES THE LOOK OF HORROR. He is staring at the box but no one else can yet make out what he has just unearthed. He looks up and says “Is this some kind of joke?” Me not having caught on yet replies “No, why?” He holds up the box and the entire family pretty much gasped at once. His sister leans over to me and informs me he is deaf. I was mortified. I couldn’t wait to get out of there.
After some explaining on my part the mood shifts back to being less hostile towards me. It turns out he wasn’t born deaf and that is why he was able to speak fairly normal. He was pretty good at reading lips and my limited interactions with him prior to dinner left me clueless to the matter. Some accident when he was younger, which I didn’t care to hear because I was ready to drop the entire subject at once took his hearing.
I’ve seen the girl since the incident but not the family. I apologized a million times and they all understand the predicament but I still cant look the parents or the brother in the eyes.
TL;DR had just started seeing this girl and bought her deaf brother headphones as a birthday present.
Richy8447: That sounds terrible.
I've heard of situations like this before. Too bad he hasn't....I'll^see^myself^out^now
Edit: To the person that gave me gold, will you marry me?
Edit 2: To ~~the person that gave me gold~~ /u/bulgariBLACK, will you marry me?
gerrettheferrett: OP will never hear the last of it.
Richy8447: Neither will the kid...
gerrettheferrett: Kid never heard the first of it.
straya_kunt: Kid wasn't born death.
Edit: Deaf ^goes ^^up ^^^here ^^^
AgentBoJangles: Why bring up stillborns? That's fucked up bro.
straya_kunt: HAHA.. fuck :(
gerrettheferrett: This comment chain made me laugh. Now I feel bad at laughing at your mistake.
| 9 | 90.777778 | |
1402010821 | 1402097999 | t3_27fco6 | t5_2to41 | 216 | _RRuLB_: TIFU by getting an erection while having a breakup conversation
My girlfriend and I were having a long conversation which was leading to us breaking up. While she was saying that we were going to have time apart and she wouldn't care if I started hooking up with new girls I almost immediately started to get an erection. And because I was wearing sweatpants, she noticed. This got her yelling, crying, and confused all at the same time and ended up making the conversation way longer than it had to be. We went from ending on good terms to having an awkward and messy breakup all because of my ability to go from 6 to midnight in a matter of seconds.
_unkarlfarbmanlike_: I always get hard when my gf starts crying. I think my dick has figured out that make-up sex will likely ensue. Gets kind of awkward.
HopelessSemantic: I had an ex kind of like that. We'd fight all the time, then hook up. After a while he started getting erections during the fights.
trust-me-i-dont-lie: I pulled a muscle in my thigh, so asked my husband to massage it for me. I am in excruciating pain, and he is massaging my thigh, and then its a one handed massage, and I hear him undoing his belt buckle with his free hand. I pause slightly puzzled, then realize what hes doing, so turn my head and snap 'What are you doing??!!??' and he just goes 'Shhhhhhhhh, making you feel better' while still simultaneously rubbing my thigh, and unzipping his pants -_-
zarkovis: Whats the problem? I think its flattering if he finds a thigh attractive enough to start getting peaked.
littlemysteries: Probably the "I am in excruciating pain" part.
trust-me-i-dont-lie: Yup, I wont lie, I was down for it, but the pain made it a little difficult
| 7 | 30.857143 | |
1402022660 | 1402034125 | t3_27fdgu | t5_2to41 | 786 | RobNguyen: Not trying to be a downer on everyone's boner, but OP slept with her so called "Best Friend's Mother" not once but twice. And she actually expects to still be friends with him? Regardless of how the mother looked, if she really cared about her friend she would not have had sex with his mother... Twice. Some of you people actually don't think she's a bad person?!
Clearly she doesn't give a damn about her friend or even pays attention to his feelings. I'm sorry to say this, but their friendship is over. At least eveyrone here got a nice hard on. Thanks OP.
norm_chomsky: Holy shit, consensual sex! YOU BAD PERSON
goatcoat: It's not the consensuality that's a problem. Two adult women having consensual sex is fine. The problem is that not only does this poor guy know that his unrequited love interest is fucking other people, but his mother is now participating in it. There is no way his mom didn't know who her son was in love with. What this means for him is that he can't even count on the one person who has taken care of him through thick and thin anymore. There is no way to overstate how hugely devastating this must feel for him.
Yes, it's OK to fuck people even when it makes third parties upset. What's not OK is driving an emotional wheat thresher over someone who has been a good friend for a long time. She had a god damned obligation to him as a friend to at the very least hold off, let him know she had feelings about his mom, and tell him she was going to sleep with her beforehand. And don't get me started on the mom. She is just as at fault.
What really rubs salt in the wound is that there is any waffling whatsoever about whether this is OK behavior. If it had been his dad banging his love interest, everyone would have come down on that skeevy old asshole like a ton of bricks, but because she's female of an alternate sexuality, *ohhh* everything she did was OK because it was consensual. Just because you're LGBT doesn't make you a fucking angel.
Kehndy12: > There is no way his mom didn't know who her son was in love with.
I disagree. I don't tell my parents *anything* about my love interests.
goatcoat: That doesn't mean they don't know. Your parents know exactly how much you masturbate, but they don't talk about it because they don't want to embarrass you.
javitee: >Your parents know exactly how much you masturbate
You're doing it wrong.
goatcoat: This is a revelation that all young men come to. None of us were stealthy enough. The massive toilet paper use, or tissue use, or frequent towel or sock laundry, or just the smell. The way you started taking longer showers when you hit puberty or that you close your door more often. Or even if you were the one kid in a billion who was a total fucking ninja, just the memory of what teenage boys were like when they were kids. They know.
javitee: I was a freaking ninja as a kid. I always waited until everyone was asleep or out of the house. Never got caught. My parents are super religious. If they knew, I would know that they knew.
goatcoat: Everyone thinks they're a ninja, so the fact that you *think* you were makes no difference. Not getting caught and confronted does not mean they didn't know. It just means they didn't want to talk about it with you.
javitee: Also being uncut helps. Foreskin is like a silencer for your dick man.
goatcoat: My uncut friends were all found out. It makes no difference in the final result.
javitee: It did for me.
goatcoat: Even if you were a total ninja, everyone who has been through puberty around teenage males knows that if you can't see what they're doing, they're probably masturbating.
javitee: I did mention that I waited until noone was home or everyone was asleep.
goatcoat: A teenage boy alone at home is probably masturbating.
javitee: Mere speculation. They couldn't prove shit.
| 16 | 49.125 | |
1402012071 | 1402181117 | t3_27fehr | t5_2to41 | 30 | StevieMJH: TIFU by making it look like I was trying to kidnap some kids.
I was driving home from work today and saw a lemonade stand. I stopped to get my dad, then went back to the stand with him to get some lemonade (a couple blocks from my house).
While we were there, we helped the kids get correct change, stood around drinking the lemonade and enjoying the sun, and played with the neighbor's dog.
I wanted to go after the first two minutes, that's how I am. I'm not good with kids and I wanted to get home. He's overly friendly and good with children, so he stood around and joked with them and tried to teach one to whistle with grass.
Here comes the stupid part. My 21st birthday is coming up. I'm visiting a friend in a city nearby and we're going to get drunk and play Cards Against Humanity with a bunch of people. That reminded me how much I missed playing Munchkin. So I borrowed the game (with some others) from my campus library and brought it home. In my trunk.
Yes. I opened it to show my dad nearby a group of kids with no adult supervision other than myself and my dad. What's worse? I keep a blanket in my trunk for emergencies. Whoever called the police saw the blanket... not the board games.
An hour later a police officer stops by my house and asks if my dad is borrowing my car (he is) and asks if I know who he is with. While calling my mom to look for him (in front of the officer), I mentioned that I used the car with him to go get some lemonade, then he took it and left.
I feel like George Costanza.
LuxNocte: So you were talking with your dad and some kids...You open your trunk, which has a blanket in it...
For the life of me, I can't see the fuck up here. Anyone who calls the police just because two males are talking with children is an ass.
Late_To_Parties: Fuckin matriarchy.
| 3 | 10 | |
1402014578 | 1402015409 | t3_27fi29 | t5_2to41 | 10 | gbimmer: TIFU by buying cheap crab cakes...
I'll just let this email I just shot off to the company that makes these speak for itself:
My wife and I recently purchased your Dockside Classic 24 Mini Crab Cakes from our local Giant grocery store located in Frederick, Maryland for our family.
When I opened the package this evening I thought they looked a bit, how shall I say, devoid of crab but, well, crabs in the wild are very sneaky animals so I thought perhaps they were hiding inside the filler.
Following the directions I baked the crab at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or so until they were browned. I was rather excited to have your mini crab cakes accompany my finely aged and expertly smoked sirloin that I had just finished grilling, my garlic and cheese infused mashed potatoes, my ciabatta bread rolls (hand made, of course!) and, because I like a nice, balanced meal, steamed green beans.
I removed the mini cakes from the oven and accidentally dropped one on the floor. That normally means my miniature Dachshund enjoys an unexpected treat but not this time. No, sir! She wouldn't eat it! This is a dog that will literally eat her own fresh, steamy excrement.
I thought they must be hot so I ignored it and took the other four to our table to be spread around the four of us as just a little, special addition to our fine meal.
...then I tried one of your crab cakes. That is, of course, if you call a ball of filler and no meat a "crab cake". I couldn't find ANY meat in this thing. I thought to myself, being a mid-westerner originally, that perhaps this is a different type of crab meat where the crab is ground up or something. I know, I know... I live in Maryland now. I should know better, right? Well I don't claim to be the smartest guy all the time and this was one of my dumb days.
So I tried the tiny morsel that I thought, or rather wistfully hoped, would be a glorious crab cake. Then I learned why my fecal matter eating dog wouldn't touch it.
I immediately swiped it off the plates of my kids and told my wife not to try it (she's from the Eastern Shore and they don't fuck around when it comes to crab you know...). That's when I decided to share my experience with your food. You can find my wonderful review on social media if you look for it. Happy hunting! You can look for it just like I looked for the crab in my "crab" cakes.
Pics because we all like pics, right?
http://imgur.com/a/fFdeC
TxTwoStep: Wow...those are really nasty looking.
gbimmer: Literally my dog wouldn't eat it. That stupid dog will take a dump, turn around, and eat it while it's still steaming. She wouldn't eat this shit.
TxTwoStep: LOL...i hope you at least tried to get your money back. Thank God your dog was saved....
gbimmer: I'll take it back to the grocery store. They, too, are from Maryland. They'll look at it and agree.
...I should probably forward that e-mail to Giant Grocery as well. Shit needs to be taken off the shelves!
TxTwoStep: No duh...it really does. I'd be writing a really nasty letter to the company who made them as well... Talk about false advertising! If they even looked anything like the pic on the box it might have been okay.
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1402018408 | 1402026724 | t3_27fnfq | t5_2to41 | 19 | chibstelford: TIFU by not getting a visa
So a bit of background, I'm taking a gap year between high school and college/uni where I work for 9 months to save enough money to travel for the last 3.
I had been planning this all year so I booked all of my flights accommodation and vaccinations etc at least 3 months in advance, and I've spent that time basically waiting for it to happen. However yesterday morning, 5 hours before my flight was about to leave, I checked online and realized my first stop required a visa. Which I didn't have.
Laying blame dosent help things like this and I take responsibility for my fuck up, but my travel agent specifically said I didn't need a visa for the country which is why I slipped my mind. Anyway I call my agent and he says no problem, I'll move the flight back 24 hours and you can apply for an emergency visa. So $300 and 5 painful hours later I've applied for an emergency visa and tell my travel agent to move the flight back (thank God I paid for insurance right?).
Only this morning I get a call from him that he needed a $25 payment to move the flight, so he didn't do it (apparently he emailed me but I never recieved it). Which means I was a no show.
So I just lost the $1500 flight, had to cancel the connecting $3000 tour I was going to do in that country, and my entire year of work has gone to shit. At the moment I have to work out if I can even afford to go on a holiday or if I'm going to have to spend the summer at home like I did the rest of the year. So yeah, fuck me.
Stretch92009: Your travel agent hasn't heard of a phone? And they did this over $25? I'd request a new booking and ask him or her to pay, minus the $25. If you gave a phone number, I'd argue he or she is responsible for most of the mishap. If not, I'm not sure what recourse you have.
chibstelford: Well he called me at 6:50 saying "it needs to be on by 7 or im going to cancel it" but I was moving house so I didn't get the message till 7:30.
That is irrelevant though, because he never told me I needed to send the payment that day, and even if I did there's a minimum processing time of 2 days so it would never arrive in time.
But I fully intend to fight this, it really isn't fair.
Stretch92009: Good! It sounds like you were the victim of a negligent provider.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1402018755 | 1402020956 | t3_27fnwn | t5_2to41 | 12 | tundraaaa: TIFU Laughing at aunt with blood clot
So we were at my aunt and uncle's place, celebrating a birthday, and my aunt starts talking about how she lost her driver's license, and I start laughing out loud, saying: "What did you do, haha?"
I got a blood clot in the brain and lost my driver's license for two years.
Ouch. Awkward silence follows.
TL;DR **Laughed at aunt that had a blodclot in the brain and lost driver's license**
I'm an idiot.
Edit: TIFU by* (I'm new to this sub, but also reddit overall)
Wasted_Plot: *family?* What was her reaction?
tundraaaa: She got quite serious, but didn't really follow it up except for explaining it *briefly*... I felt so embarassed.
Wasted_Plot: You should. But do not let that stop you from getting the whole story. If it counts I hope she tells yah. *brah*
| 4 | 3 | |
1402020287 | 1402073096 | t3_27fq24 | t5_2to41 | 110 | saucity: TIFU by doing a naked, backward snake slither to avoid naughty kids with their smartphones.
I work weekends, so today is basically my Saturday. I've got the house to myself, so I grabbed an early afternoon beer, got my bikini on, and I headed out to the deck to chill in the sunshine.
I have a pretty secluded deck, so unless you're *directly* in my yard, you can't see me at all. Total privacy. So, after I soak in sun for a bit and my beer is gone, I decide, "Fuck it." Got another beer, and lost the bikini.
I'm laying on my back, super happy and relaxed, totally nude, stretching my legs in summer bliss and I hear "WOAH!!!!" coming RIGHT from below me. *Fuck.*
I roll over on my stomach quick, look for my sundress which is *waaay on the other side of the deck*, and try to see who the shit is in my yard all of a sudden. It's like 5 wild, redneck, teenage boys, between 10-13 years old. WHY ARE THEY NOT IN SCHOOL?!?
I allow people to cut through my yard. I don't mind. There's a path behind my house that saves people a good 5 minutes if they take the shortcut. Usually, this doesn't start happening until school gets out, like 3-4pm. Even then, it's pretty rare that people even come through. It's only 11am now, so in my mind, I was free to sunbathe.
Wrong. They're probably skipping school anyway, and the specific path they're taking offers a full view of me and my …deck. They're trailing slowly through my yard. They've definitely fucking seen me. I can hear them talking about me like I can't hear or see them. "…is she..?" "awwww-huhuhhhhhhuhhuhahahahahahah," "Dude dude dude dude!"… etc. Who knows how long they were even looking before I noticed.
They weren't bothered by the fact that they're in someone's yard. No fucks given from them. Then, they start to get their lil phones out, pointed at me. Shouldn't they just be embarrassed, and go away and apologize for scaring me?? For trespassing? And move the fuck on???! …No!! Fucking kids!
**Panic!** Should I yell at them to get out? Should I pretend to be passed out, and just hope they go away? Use my beer as a weapon? I'm close enough to the edge so they can see my face. And my ass. Aaand we've made eye contact.
I'm a deer-in-the-headlights at this point. I don't know what to do. I'm totally shocked, slightly drunk and confused. I'm laying tits-down on my towel, and in hindsight, I probably should have just picked it up clasped to my body, and calmly walked away, backwards, on foot. But, in the heat of the moment, I yelled "HEY, ALRIGHT ALRIGHT, GET OUTTA HERE!! AAAGGH!" or something just as idiotic, while slithering backward on my belly. I opened the sliding door with my foot, backwards, still snake-flat, and very ungracefully noped the fuck inside.
If they did manage to get a pic or video, I'm sure it's fuckin hilarious. But I really don't wanna see it.
TL:DR My lovely naked sunbathing was ruined by obnoxious kids cutting through my yard unexpectedly with smartphones.
QuirkyLady: I would love to see that video haha.
i_pk_pjers_i: I'm pretty sure we all would, I imagine it would be quite funny.
Says1stCandidThought: I don't know about you but I just want to see her naked and skip the bullshit.
Semyonov: I appreciate the candidness.
| 5 | 22 | |
1402016086 | 1402104614 | t3_27fk8w | t5_2to41 | 31 | Legit_nukes: Tifu while being high and hungry and thinking I blew my mouth up
So I came home from a long day of school, I decided to pick up a lil something something on the way home today, I decided to go for a smoke before my mom showed up which I did.. Then decided to fall asleep! I woke up to the house with all the lights off and the faint smell of some cooking.. So me being the pig I am ran to the fridge to see what was made..
To my delight there were 3 boiled egg's in a bowl, looking like 3 eggs that were about to be eaten but before that I needed to get high.. I went for a smoke then half way through my smoke put the egg's in the microwave for 45 seconds.. (I never knew they blew up if nuked) so MY egg's don't blow up.. Oh NOOO, So I decide to pour some ketchup in the bowl, and mow away..
Here's where I fuck up I grabbed one of the egg's, it was hot as fuck so I drove it into my mouth.. Oh did I mention they call me One-bite at school? I'm infamous for my eating capabilities.. The egg enters my mouth and as I crunch down on it I hear a pop followed with an instant numbness in my mouth and jaw, as the lights were still out brilliant me decides to spit ALL of the egg out towards the other two egg's and SURE ENOUGH they both blow up and scold whatever the pieces of egg touch, including my face and my bare stomach, with me freaking the fuck out finally realizing my jaw is still attached and my lips are all charred from the egg releasing hot steam onto the side of my face, now I look like I got half a joker smile going on + all the small burn marks from the debris of egg that flew everywhere, I clean up and mom comes out and continues to laugh at me how stupid I am and that I look like the joker, Did I mention there's also ketchup EVERYWHERE I needed to clean up?
Tl;dr: I nuked three egg's then ate one and it blew up in my mouth following with the other two to explode and burn me all over.
Edit: this was a while back, end of last year to be honest or I'd take pictures of the burn marks.
CoreStrategy: Holy shit, is everyone microwaving their eggs today
ImShadow: This may be what replaces people shitting themselves...
[deleted]: reddit has the weirdest struggles
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1402016888 | 1402103268 | t3_27flbh | t5_2to41 | 15 | kirlysue: Tifu by having sex before work
It was 5 minutes before I had to leave for work, and my boyfriend and I were feeling a little frisky. So we strip down as quickly as possible and have atter. Afterwards, I get up, throw my work clothes on, give him a kiss goodbye and I'm on my way. Everything was going great, until I realized I had forgotten one crucial thing... Underwear.
I'm a dairy farmer, and wear coveralls to work. I don't wear a bra or underwear under my coveralls because with all the stretching and reaching they just get in the way. However, today would have been a good day to have them, because I forgot about leakage. My boyfriend came inside me, and I didn't have time to "clean up" after because I had to get to work. So there I am, milking cows, walking down the barn and it happens. I feel something dripping down my leg. Fuck. Oh god it's so gross! Is it showing through my pant leg? Oh god can my boss see? Ew it's sticking between my legs! Why oh why didn't I wear underwear today?
It was nasty and gross, and I hope I don't ever have to experience that again...
mythrowawayresponse: even if some did get on your pant leg - wouldn't that fit normally with your role of wearing coveralls in the first place... especially milking cows?
kirlysue: Well, usually I don't get milk all over my legs, but I'm really happy I was covered in enough shit and teat dip that it wasn't really noticeable :p
mythrowawayresponse: your BF got a winner... so jelly :)
kirlysue: Haha thanks :p
| 5 | 3 | |
1402024987 | 1402026623 | t3_27fwfn | t5_2to41 | 15 | JoshTheDerp: TIFU by pissing in my closet thinking I was outside of a tent
Not today but...
Two weeks ago I went to a 3 day festival, a regional Burning Man event. Fast forward to the day after the festy I went to a party at a friend's house and got extremely drunk. As soon as I came home, I passed out.
I woke up a few hours later with the VERY strong urge to take a piss. When I woke up, I woke up in a half-dream state and I thought I was still camping and I was in the tent. It was dark as fuck in my room. In my half-asleep and possibly still drunk haze, I then got out of bed, and started feeling around for the tent flaps. I eventually found the "tent flaps" but then tried to feel around for open space so I can find a nice spot to release my urine. Couldn't find it, but I thought "well, I'm outside of the tent, I'll just piss directly out of it." and I started taking a leak.
About 3 seconds into my stream, I then came to my senses. "Wait, I'm no longer at the festival. I'm at home... and in my closet" and then stopped pissing and then found the restroom. My closet floor was pretty wet but I didn't fuck it up as bad as I thought.
It was embarrassing as fuck even though I'm the only one that knows about it, and now internet strangers do too.
AtomicClown: When I was in the Marine Corps we were doing a training exercise out on the base at 29 Palms California.
The weekend came up so they allowd us to move to the "rear" which were these old "A-FRAME" buildings. Somebody made a beer/booze/munchies run and we commenced to sit around behind these A-Frame huts and get shitfaced while listening to artillery fire at night a few miles away. Every now and then a red flare would pop up way off in the desert.
At some point I stumbled to my rack and passed out.
I woke up in the middle of the night and had to piss. I THOUGHT I had walked out the back door of the hut. I unbuttoned and started peeing.
I saw the red flare pop up in the distance and thought..."far out cool".
Then a voice...BILL! WHAT THE FUCK MAN!?!?
I was still in the building. The red flare was a guy on the other side of the A-Frame with a red lensed flashlight. I was pissing all over the gear of a guy who was also drunk and passed out. I pissed all over his helmet, flak vest, "deuce gear", alice pack...
Apparently I hosed it down pretty good.
When I woke up, there was a pile of beer piss smelling gear on the floor by my rack. They guy had woke up hours before me and swapped all my gear with his.
I had to buy that guy a bunch of beer the next night.
JoshTheDerp: HAHAHAHAHA! I'm glad someone had a similar experience, I thought I was just weird.
| 3 | 5 | |
1402026155 | 1402027846 | t3_27fxwo | t5_2to41 | -14 | resampL: TIFU by caring too much about an MMORPG.
As my raid-group got closer and closer to beating the boss, our momentum as a team grew rapidly.
We take a 10 minute break and my family decides they want some dinner. So I attempt to make the fastest KFC trip of my entire life.
I speed through my neighborhood at around 40mph. Zip down one street, make a right, and roll up to KFC.
I pull into the KFC drive-through, right behind a minivan which seemed to hold a large family. They ordered what seemed like the entire menu. 15 minutes go by and I finally get out of the drive-through with my food.
I turn back into my neighborhood when all of a sudden, the bag of KFC Famous mashed potato bowls falls forward. 3 OF THE BOWLS EXPLODE EVERYWHERE IN MY PASSENGER SEAT.
"FUCK!!"
I speed home and get the remains of the food, bring it inside and angrily hurry back up to my room, a mountain of potatoes, gravy, and chicken still smeared all over the passenger seat mat in my car.
3 raid hours later, we didn't beat the boss, and exhausted and bitter me makes the walk of shame back to my car filled with nasty-ass KFC food.
Brnrfone: "all of A sudden".....there is no such thing as 'the sudden'
also, sorry to hear about your shitty guild....
resampL: It was a pug. I fly solo 8)
PS. I looked at your other comments and my god are you a disagreeing rude sack of shit. Good day!
Brnrfone: I'm just a straight shooter....
umm....good luck with WoW?
hey, I'm being straight up. Stop downvoting me you prick.
resampL: Well I didn't know it was 'all of a sudden' so I'll give ya that.
Brnrfone: it's past my bedtime, i may be a bit cranky....
resampL: Wellp this TIFU just got awkward.
Brnrfone: *Brnrfone softly touches reampL's leg*
resampL: ಠ_ಠ
Brnrfone: ._.
| 10 | -1.4 | |
1402027404 | 1402059737 | t3_27fzgz | t5_2to41 | 64 | Memithezombiekiller: TIFU by pretending I didn't speak Eglish to avoid a panhandler
Actually, this happened in March. I had taken an impromptu trip to Washington DC to meet some friends. I was supposed to meet my friends at a specific metro stop.
Of course, I got there first, and am chilling on a bench, when a homeless man walks up to me.
"Hey lady, go a dollar?"
I look at him with a look of confusion and say, "Je suis desole, je ne comprends pas,"
He looks at me and sort of shuffles away. He gets a few feet away when my cell phone rings. Without thinking, I pick it up and say, "Dude! Where the hell are you?"
Homeless guy wheels around and sticks his open hand in my face.
I give him a dollar.
LifeInShadows: Ah, the power of guilt.
Honest question. Why didn't you simply say no?
Memithezombiekiller: Because earlier in the trip I had told someone no and they had followed me a few paces, shouting.
At the time, this seemed like a better alternative.
LifeInShadows: Ah, fair enough then. :)
Memithezombiekiller: It was dumb. The proper way to shut down panhandlers is to just have headphones in and wear sunglasses. Everyone knows that.
because_physics: Or actually not have a dollar, that's what I do!
rjmana: a couple have asked me to go withdraw from an atm... saying i dont have money doesnt work..
edit: of course i could ignore them. im just surprised at their audacity.
because_physics: "Do you have a dollar?"
"I wish!"
| 8 | 8 | |
1402024928 | 1402068762 | t3_27fwcm | t5_2to41 | 10 | Ginger_ninja_61: TIFU by meeting Cinderella.
Not today but last week I went and got some lunch with friends. So naturally we went to a place that has a reputation for destroying peoples insides because their food is cheap and tasty. I knew there would be repercussions but because my parents would be staying at a hotel and I was going to be studying alone all night I didn't care.
Skipping forward to that night I'd done my study and was watching a movie. When a girl I met on tinder texts me saying her plans had been cancelled and she wanted to do something. So it was 11.30, cold and I really didn't want to drive anywhere so I told her to come over (I had never met her in person at this stage) and she said okay.
So as she's on her way she texted me saying she wished she had warmer clothes in her car so I said she could borrow a hoodie blah blah blah. All of a sudden she says she's got a Cinderella costume in her car (for her job) and so I jokingly told her to wear it.
So when she gets to my house she's wearing a Cinderella costume and my mind is blown. So we talk for a bit, watch a movie and it turns out she's a really cool girl and I like her. However at this stage my insides are at full nuclear meltdown and for some reason my nose is blocked(I got really sick a few days later). So however much I wanted to have sex with her I knew it was a bad idea and I was afraid it would end tragically. Especially after reading all the ridiculous shit that has happened to people on here.
She ended up sleeping in my bed and we didn't have sex. I feel like it could have been really awkward if she wasn't such a cool person. She asked me the next day why I didn't make a move and I just made up some bs out being tired and said I'd make a move next time.
TL;DR Ate some really cheap spicy food, Cinderella came over, couldn't have sex with her in fear of becoming a today I shat myself post.
Elori: At least you didn't make a move and shit yourself
Ginger_ninja_61: Thank god
Elori: I'd say you won in this situation.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1402031582 | 1402057384 | t3_27g4bn | t5_2to41 | 6 | BalefulBadger: TIFU By watching a show that was on my friends Netflix history
So first of I use my friends Netflix Account occasionally to watch shows i missed, movies, etc. Well curiosity got the best of me a few weeks and i looked at the recently watched shows and an anime called Princess Jellyfish. Now I know for a fact he didn't watch the show because he despises anime. I decided to read the synopsis and it talked about a social outcast meeting meeting a cross-dresser. Always the great premise for a show.
So with finals week over and school getting out I was exhausted and needed to veg. Trying to find a show to watch I remember the name Princess Jellyfish; however, i had forgotten the premise. I began to binge the show.
Now, I don't know why I didn't stop after the first episode something compelled me to continue and finish it. Boy did i make a mistake. So to keep it short the story had no real purpose and ended in me curled up in the fetal position telling myself that I almost definitely liked pussy.
And now i have to tell my friend about how his brother watched a show about a Crossdresser and a Otaku getting close.
TL;DR Watched a show that was on my friends Netflix that caused me to curl up in the fetal position contemplating my sexuality
profoundWHALE: I do this kind of thing all the time. Somehow I watched a show about incest and then one with polygamy right after it that ended in one of the fastest escalation that I didn't see coming and yet, was happy with, which freaked me out.
TL,DR That's normal. The fact that you realize something is off is the moment you also know that you aren't crazy.
BalefulBadger: Thanks that was really reassuring to read.
Qqboxing: just watch a bunch of messed up shit and call it a "Prank" it will be in his Recommended and Recently watched and it will be hilarious...well ill laugh if no one else will.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1402030158 | 1402045679 | t3_27g2pk | t5_2to41 | 19 | bizatin: TIFU by trusting my best friend
To be honest, this isn't really a today thing. It's more of an "everday for the past four months" thing. So EFTPFMIFU, I guess.
And "trusting my best friend" was definitely not my biggest fuck up. That's probably just my petty way of blaming somebody else for my own shit. But anyways, my story is a sort of long one.. It starts nowhere and ends nowhere but there's a lot of fucking up in between, and now I'm not sure what to do about it except bitch about it on reddit so here goes.
It technically started in September, when the girl I thought I loved at the time decided she was sick of me and cut me off. For the months after that, I began a downward spiral into loneliness and desperation to recapture the feelings she had given me in our relationship. This was not as pleasant as it may sound!
Of course, I had friends and occasional hook-ups, but none of it really replaced the feeling I had grown accustomed to in a relationship. I can't really put it into words- it was the kind of feeling that you don't really notice until it's gone, you know?
Anyways (I'm sorry for my digressions, this is harder than it looks), at the time I have been friends with another girl for a couple of years, and I had always been aware of her interest in me, but obviously never acted on it. I just wasn't really into her, I guess. But as my loneliness escalated alongside my desperation to replace my last girlfriend, I started to date her at the beginning of the year.
Coincidentally, this was also when I started to get close with a male friend of mine. As my new relationship solidified, he and I began to talk more and more. Within a couple of months, I was very close with this new girl and I considered the guy one of my best friends.
At this point, based on the title and shit, you probably think she cheated on me with him. Actually, I'm the one who cheated, more than once, and at the time I wasn't at all guilty. To be frank, I did not really like this girl. But I stayed with her if only because I dreaded the thought of being alone again, as pathetic as that sounds.
My friend knew all of this. I confided in him daily, and though he (driven by his conscience and not his weiner like me) chastised me, I continued to pretend to love my girlfriend while I fucked other girls and told him how little I truly cared for her.
But a few days ago, my girlfriend and I got in a fight that essentially led to our breaking up. At first I was upset, but then I was thankful. Our relationship was not good for either of us, and I did feel guilty about everything. At the same time, I was glad that our relationship had ended the way it did. Maybe this was selfish of me, but I didn't want her to hate me. I just wanted it to be over.
I guess this was when my friend broke. He decided she deserved to know, I guess, and told her everything awful I had done during our relationship. Cheating on her, lying to her... And worst of all, pretending to care for her when really I did not. Needless to say, she loathes me now; and most of our mutual friends do, too.
My friend probably did the right thing... he was just being a good person. But despite this I cannot bring myself to look him in the eye knowing what he did to me. I can't talk to him and play video games and laugh with him knowing that he didn't value our friendship or my trust enough to keep what I had told him to himself. He was just being a good person, but at the same time I can't force myself to stay friends with him. To be honest, he's stripped me of most of my other friends and turned many people against me. It might not sound like a big deal, but at least for now it has ruined my life as I knew it.
I want to forgive him, as I know this is all my fault. But I can't...
TLDR: dated a girl to fill a void, never liked her, cheated on her, broke up with her, best friend told her what i did and now my friends all think (know?) im an asshole... sorry this is so long i just wanted to let it all out
devals: Dude, while you're certainly not the good guy here, your friend is NOT a good guy in this either.
If he was truly motivated by doing the "right thing", he would have told her while you were together, when there was the risk of her getting an STD, or pregnant, or any other horrific situation that could have come from her giving her trust to someone who was abusing it.
Telling her after the fact was unnecessary, vindictive, and spiteful. As hard as it is to breach someone's trust in order to do the right thing, empathy and concern for another person can weigh-out in the mind of a conscientious person. But that's not what happened here. I can only guess at his motivation- perhaps he's trying to get with her now? perhaps he assumed she would catch you, and was disappointed you got away "clean"? Whatever the reason, he's not a "good guy" and he certainly isn't your friend.
Make amends to the girl if you can, apologize at the very least, but I would definitely cut that guy out of your life.
ThatVoodooChick: Exactly this, listen to this ^. /u/devals explained it beautifully.
Edit: What /u/Da_Porta said.
xombiecake: Couldn't Agree more. I hope you take the advice.
None of us are perfect and we all make our mistakes.
Even though it's not clear if you feel remorse for your actions, because you hurt her, or because of the repercussions it had for you. It's clear you need to cut the guy out of your life. He definitely seems to have ulterior motives.
As for the rest of your friends; If they really are your friends and they care about you, they will go back to being your friends again. It might take a while.
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1402032044 | 1402281632 | t3_27g4tv | t5_2to41 | 106 | thys98457: TIFU By shutting down 911 in a major US city.
I was in my early twenty’s and had just finished attending 4 years of college. Having started as an engineering student at a small, yet prominent University, I quickly grew discouraged with the entire situation. I jumped majors, changed schools, changed back, changed majors again, and never graduated. After four years my parents had had enough of it as well. So in the early summer, just after school let out, I moved back home sans diploma, and looking for a job.
At this time my Aunt had recently gotten some contract work, and offered me a temporary position. My nepotistic relative was a contractor, to a contractor, to a contractor, to a contractor, that was hired with the task of installing a new 911computer system in one of the largest cities in the United States.
At the time, she was doing a sizeable hardware installation in their brand new building. My job was to work along side her, doing the initial hardware bootup, and then the Operating system installations. There were no security or background checks of any kind, though I would have had no reason to worry about that. Everything was still technically under construction, and no one had even moved into the building yet. There was no need for the contractor to worry about having to hire union, or experienced professionals for these menial tasks, computer geek college dropouts fit the bill perfectly.
I quickly proved my value and my skill. That temporary job then turned into a long term one, and soon I was a major part of the installation, having been offered a salaried position with one of the contractors.
Two years go by. I now have my own desk, about 10 people working underneath me, authority, a little power, and a whole shit ton of responsibility. Things are good. The majority of my job now, lies with keeping all of the personal computers that are scattered throughout the city up and running. I had spent a lot of time on the phone talking with city employees, making sure the monitor is plugged in, or no one has tripped over the printer cable, etc, but generally now I was overseeing people doing the shit jobs, and handing the larger issues myself.
On this particular day I was sitting at my desk, now located just off the main floor of the “911 bunker”. I was on the phone. One of the personal computers in a police station was “down”, and I was attempting to fix it. I was logged in to the MAIN 911 server as /root user.
Now, There is absolutely NO WAY IN HELL I should have had this access. The system administrators were unfortunately preoccupied with things like keeping the application running 24-7, so internal security was on the back burner. Granted, there was little risk of outside intrusion. The whole network was completely isolated from the outside world. There were basically 3 options for an undesirable, if he chose to try and “hack” 911.
1) break into a police station to access their computer
2) Break into the 911 center.
3) Pull off a Mission Impossible type caper, tapping into the network backbone in some underground city tunnel.
Likelihood, 0%. Financial gain of such an act, Zero Dollars.
I did have my own login of course, as it was necessary for my job. However, we had what was essentially a “Joshua” type log-in as well. It was a remnant of the initial installation (which I did), and was supposed to have been removed (by someone else). I used this, because getting the System Administrators to correctly permission my account was like trying to pull teeth out of a Rhino with a crack problem. My responsibilities tended to grow quickly, so login permissions could never keep up. Known users like myself were not a high priority, since everybody knew if I really needed to accomplish something time sensitive, I could use the Joshua. I would regularly use this backdoor.
So, I was trying to solve a problem remotely, by logging in to both ends of the system, the server and the client. I had a very effective method to keep myself from doing something stupid. I always used the computer on my left to login to the server, and the computer on my right to login to remote clients. I usually had 3 or more PC’s at my desk in various states of indecent exposure anyway. At one point I even had the monitors labeled with some tape, just to be 100% sure. Somehow, whether I opened a window on the wrong computer, or just got distracted, I inadvertently typed the following command into the server window, assuming it was the client window:
>STOPSYSTEM
Boom
I knew what I had done before the Enter key clicked. Even now, I picture it in my head as slow motion. My heart sank. It’s that same sinking feeling you get when being pulled over for an obvious violation of the sound barrier, by a sharply dressed government official. I cannot give you a multiplier to explain how much worse I felt at that moment. I was quite literally, and ironically, surrounded by 200 police officers.
I believe I was mid sentence on the phone. I stopped dead, and paused for a long enough time that the officer on the other end of the line asked if I was still there.
I replied with nonsense, something to the effect of, “Yeah I see some problem, I am going to have to call you back.”
Click.
Can’t really help him now.
I sat perfectly still in my chair. I would like to think I was able to sit there for 5 minutes, collect myself, look normal, but it was probably about 10 seconds before I realized….
Logout you idiot!!
It takes another 20 seconds before I hear someone else in the building scream:
THE SERVER’S GOING DOWN!
My heart is pounding.
It’s now or never. I either walk into my bosses office right this moment and cop to it, or risk the worst. The decision needed to happen. I was young. I was stupid. I risked it.
Now I am in near panic, but somehow I click over to damage control.
Ok think, can they trace me?
I’m logged in with backdoor account. Check.
I’m Logged in through the local LAN that shares an IP across multiple computers. Check.
I think I’m OK.
I think.
I wait a minute, then “stroll” into the server room, where my aunt awaits…
“What’s going on?” I ask.
“Server is down again.”
“Oh really? What happened?”
“Not sure, looks like it just stopped. Software…”
Now, I am committed.
There is no turning back.
I then wandered over to the developers realm.
I will grant you that he developers were under enormous strain, and I obviously had not helped their blood pressure that day. They were tasked with writing a piece of software that had never been written, and people above their heads had made promises to the City about all the capabilities of their stupendous software, without actually asking anyone if it was possible. There was a contract that specified a certain amount of “up time”. Over the first year or so, they were only allowed so many minutes of software “failure”, after that there were major fines, and then the inevitable lawsuits. Any excuse for the city to try and not pay their bill. This was a known game the city played with all contractors, so as we were at the tail end of the “allowable failures” period, every second of up time counted.
I recall it as monkeys jumping around a cage with a rattlesnake in it.
“You guys OK?” I ask the primates.
“IT JUST STOPPED! “ They screeched loud enough for the whole building to hear.
I replied “Really?” with as much upward inflection as I could gather without cracking my voice.
“Do you know why?” I slither in.
“Who cares!” they spit, “We’ll just restart it! Get it back up!”
Excellent. No time for forensics. I can wait it out.
I returned to my desk, to look busy for the rest of the day. I am not sure I actually accomplished anything, but I am sure it was a good show. My desk had never been that clean, and it may have been the only time the sheet metal covers ever touched my PC’s frame. The system was back up and running within the hour, a near record for the now experienced administrators. I checked to make sure no emergency calls involving fatalities happened over that hour, as I probably could not have lived with myself. Thankfully, it was a quiet day, and my dimwitted keystroke ended up being more of a minor inconvenience, than a major catastrophe.
At least I didn’t delete anything.
By the time the end of the day had come, no one had said a word to me.
I went home, hoping that if I could just make it until the next morning, I would be fine. If no one tracks me down in the logs overnight, I’ll be home free.
And so it was.
Since then, I have contemplated that situation multiple times, even dreamt about it on occasion. I have always wondered that maybe my aunt knew a little bit more about the situation than she let on. If anyone could have tracked down what had happened, it would have been her. Perhaps someone did find the truth in the server log.
Throwaway account, so don't try and message me. I am not inclined to answer questions as any more detail would begin to unravel the mystery, and though the likelihood of repercussion is low, I would not enjoy the phone calls if the secret got out.
I have been contemplating writing more (not necessarily personal anecdotes), and thought reddit might enjoy the story. Critical analysis is appreciated.
Fromanderson: "They were tasked with writing a piece of software that had never been written, and people above their heads had made promises to the City about all the capabilities of their stupendous software, without actually asking anyone if it was possible."
I used to work for a company that would do this to me regularly. They promised customers hardware
features that nobody in the industry offered. Then they'd dump it in my lap and say, "make it happen".
Then the salesman who sold it would scream bloody murder, over things taking twice as long to install than they budgeted for. When you sell people things that don't exist yet, don't be surprised when it takes a tad longer than the handy spread sheet corporate sent you says it will take.
It really ate into their commission.
One guy did it over and over again, without so much as a "Thank you", for bailing him out.
I did my job, and I took pride in it, but one day he had the temerity to complain to our parent company about my open disdain for their lack of quality. It was no surprise to them as I was always ranting to their quality control people over stupid crap that they shipped out. I'm talking about receiving stuff with half the components falling off the board, because that half of the board hadn't been soldered. Of course all of them had quality control stickers on them claiming that they had passed some inspection or other. So far as I could tell the only way some of them would have passed even a visual inspection would have been if they were using satellite imagery. On most jobs, 4 out of 10 devices failed on initial power up. Of the remaining 6 more than half would fail in the first year of operation.
The conversation started over him trying to blame me for the number of warranty claims. Nevermind every branch of the company was having the same trouble. I do admit to going on a bit of a tirade, but I was beyond fed up at this point and didn't really care whether I got fired or not. I take pride in my work. Turd polishing is not something I signed up for, nor do I tolerate it quietly.
Mr. Letsblametheguy Whosavesmybacon had just sold another real science project that involved field modifying our equipment to add a feature that it was never intended to have. Meanwhile 6 different companies had equipment that had to be cajoled into playing nice with each other. Of course on jobs like that, the final connections and making everything work together always gets overlooked. You always end up with everyone arguing that they aren't responsible, and trying to push it off onto everyone else. It quickly escalates up the chain of command. Well this time was no different. When I called to get him involved, he texted me back saying he "Didn't have time to deal with it". He was heading out for a 3 week vacation starting that friday and had more important things to do. In the end, all I could get out of him, was "I don't care how, you do it, just make it happen!". Normally I'd have pushed the issue, but for once I didn't.
I meekly did what I was told and, "made it happen."
I never once slacked off, but let me tell you, after a month of 70 hour work weeks, those jobs had some of the best documentation and the prettiest wiring harnesses I've ever made. Nobody had to argue about a thing. Every time another company pawned their scope of work off on me, I "made it happen", and documented my time meticulously. I even took the progress photo's he was supposed to submit, and submitted them.
He never saw a dime of that commission. 120 hours of overtime, will do that.
exit108: Why did you put up with this level of crap?
Fromanderson: I sometimes wonder myself. To tell the truth, I like the work I do. I no longer work for that outfit though. I was on the verge of going independent a few years ago when I was approached by another company. They kinda let me do my own thing. I'm still busy, but it's mostly on my own terms.
| 4 | 26.5 | |
1402053145 | 1402153200 | t3_27gm48 | t5_2to41 | 12 | HobartGirl: TIFU by being a woman, running a business and watching porn...
TIFU, well actually it's after 12 so yesterday, by spending an evening with a bottle of wine and Australia's ADSL2.
I decided to have a nice quiet night at home and do a little social networking through a linked facebook/instagram/twitter/pinterest account. Half way into a bottle of white I decided to head over to pornhub and relax for a while, before getting into a few youtube shared videos to bump up views...
Half an orgasm later and I'm just finishing up the wine and the final youtube share when I hit send and think "That youtube video seemed very yellow at the end there"...."Oh my god. OH MY GOD! OH MY FUCKING GOD!" "I JUST SHARED WHAT!?!?!".
Yep. All my perversions sent to all my clients in one foul swoop.
But now I've had a chance to think about it, and a chance to get some pot and a bit more wine, it doesn't seem that bad really. It's not like I was stoned at the time...;)
Play_4: Just say your facebook/youtube account was hacked, it really wouldn't be a big deal
HobartGirl: I don't think hacked means what you think it does!
Play_4: I mean "cracked", but most people would just say it got "hacked", since it's commonly (incorrectly) understood
HobartGirl: That's true and this entire story show a certain lack of social media skills, so like I'd know!
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1402050859 | 1402099747 | t3_27gkcq | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU Not killing the spider
So about an hour ago I saw a spider crawling along the beanbag I sleep on, wanting to build spider karma, I simply brush him off politely, yet assertivley. Not 5 minutes ago, I feel a creepy crawly on my ribs and look down to see this SAME MOTHERFUCKIN ARACHNID crawlin on me like he owns me. In my hurry to get him the fuck off me I don't kill him, and impolitely brush him away. So this ass is still scuttling around in my dark room. 19m, inb4 pussy
Tl;DR didn't kill spider, came back and crawled on me.
soulesswanderer: Eventually you'll lose your virginity. It'll be ok. But only after you learn how to kill a fucking spider
el_oh_el_at_you: I'm hoping one day a spider will take my virginity as thanks for not killing it.
ravenouscraving: [Like this?](http://oglaf.com/8legs/) **NSFW**
el_oh_el_at_you: Somethin like that, sure.
| 5 | 1 | |
1402057882 | 1402103721 | t3_27gqe4 | t5_2to41 | 267 | crunchybug: TIFU by trying to help a mentally disabled woman
So I'm walking towards a building at my university when an overweight, mentally handicapped woman races past me, running towards the building. She's clearly worried about being late, but the surface we're treading on is made of notoriously unsturdy bricks which people trip on all the time, so I decide to yell out to her.
"Careful on these bricks!"
She suddenly turns her head back towards me, loses her footing and trips over, dropping her books and shit everywhere and landing *hard* on the ground. Horrified, I walk towards her to help because she's clearly in pain. That's when I notice that her boobs have fallen out of her shirt and she's awkwardly trying to pick up her stuff with one hand and button her shirt up with the other.
All I could really do was stand there awkwardly while she collected her stuff and got the fuck away from me as quickly as possible.
TL;DR: inadvertently caused mentally handicapped woman to trip, fall on hard surface and expose boobs.
jon2kx: Reminds me of 4chan "tard" stories. Which are inherently cruel, but people still laughed anyway.
> Be in college, around college age.
> Walking on surface where people trip frequently.
> Mentally handicapped woman running on surface.
> Decide to call out to her, to be careful.
> Faceplant.jpg rekt.
> boobs fell out of shirt.
> pokerface
Twise09: I'm not seeing the similarity. Will someone help?
jon2kx: Greentext stories. In particular tard stories.
Examples:
http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/greentext if you google "4chan tard neal" you will feel horrible for laughing.
[deleted]: Oh god my sides. Do you have any more recommendations?
jon2kx: continue googling tard stories 4 chan, there are just hundreds of hilarious posts.
| 6 | 44.5 | |
1402059362 | 1402071083 | t3_27gs0s | t5_2to41 | 110 | ontherockss: TIFU by pressing all the buttons in the lift before stepping out, only to see an old man in a wheelchair waiting to board after me.
So I was really pissed after waiting so long for the lift that when I was about to step out, I pressed all the 20 floors to get even to the next passenger.
What fucked this up is when the door opened and I was about to come out, an old man in a wheelchair was waiting for the lift too. I walked straight past him and I heard him say "Oh boy" and I felt really evil after that. :(
Edit:
Thank you for all the cunt-shaming, I posted this last night and I still feel like a cunt today. I should probably look for that old man again and say sorry to him. He lives here anyway.
hedonicscale: What difference did the wheelchair make? At least he gets to sit down.
ontherockss: the person is very old and can't take the stairs even if he wants to
hedonicscale: 20 floors? Few people with two legs reasonably could either.
YourCuteLoli: I take the stairs every chance I get
hedonicscale: 20 floors? I would go for maybe 3 or 4, but after that, I would just ride out the elevator. Who knows who a person can meet by stopping at every floor.
| 6 | 18.333333 | |
1402021860 | 1402066495 | t3_27fs9u | t5_2to41 | 28 | TheRealTieral: TIFU By holding in a sneeze while carrying a refrigerator down the stairs
Literally today. So I'm helping my buddy move and he needs his refrigerator moved down some stairs. I get the hand truck, hulk the thing down two flights, get part way down the last flight and have to sneeze. I didn't want to drop the fridge so I held it in. Now I'm laying in the damned ER and they just confirmed I have 3 cracked ribs. I think I would have rather shit myself or something.
Week before finals.... FML.
badasafish: Perhaps you could clarify how stifling a sneeze led to the broken ribs?
TheRealTieral: I am a pretty big guy, 5'11" 260lbs and not fluffy. My guess would be the combination of holding the weight of the fridge and the force of clinching down my sneeze did it. From what the doctor told me this kind of thing is uncommon, but not rare. Hurts to freaken breath this morning too.
badasafish: That's crazy. Thanks for the clarification, and sorry to hear about your bad luck
| 4 | 7 | |
1402065691 | 1402068016 | t3_27h0m4 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by causing a car accident, then not taking responsibility for it
(throwaway account) Like most of these, this did not happen today. I was either in my late teens or early 20's, driving to work early in the morning. I was working crazy hours and not getting enough sleep at the time, and as you know-
-fuck this. I'm still trying to make excuses for it, even now! Sorry, I was definitely awake and alert enough to see that my light was fucking red. Anyway, I ran a red light going ~45-50mph, thinking that the cars turning out in front of me (coming from the opposite direction) were making yielded left turns on green. But no, they had an arrow and my light was fucking red, so you probably already know what happens next. I didn't exactly t-bone him, it was more of a head-on (I'm guessing he tried to swerve back, but by then it was too late). Both cars totaled, police and ambulance show up, they start talking to him first and from me listening from a distance, I gather that he has no license, doesn't speak any English, and has no ID or anything whatsoever. So they come talk to me after getting essentially no where with him. I saw my chance to push the blame to him, and I took it like the fucking piece of shit that I am. I told the cops that my light was green and they had no reason not to believe me.
Fast forward ~30 days or so, I get a subpoena stuck to my front door. It turns out he isn't an illegal citizen, his wallet just wasn't on him at the time of the accident. He probably met with the public defender to try and fight the charge. So I show up to court, get up in front of all those people and reiterate the lie that I told the cops. I will never forget the way he looked at me when I finished. He received a jail sentence, got fined heavily and got his license taken away. When you think about it, the only reason the truth wasn't and never will be recovered is because he couldn't speak English. I still feel like shit to this day and I will never tell anyone what I did. Why couldn't I just not have been colorblind for those 2 seconds? I fucked up.
TL;DR: I ran a red light, crashed, saw an opportunity to be a piece of shit, took said opportunity, other guy lost in court.
playerwinner: You are a pathetic human being, who likely has ruined that mans life. Man up and take responsibility for your actions.
Da_Porta: The reason he posted this isn't to have people tell him what he already knows. If you aren't going to tell him something helpful, don't say anything.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1402063500 | 1402073877 | t3_27gxbg | t5_2to41 | 7 | marleec9: Tifu: by babysitting during dead week
So I've been babysitting/nannying for new parents of twin boys since they were 2 months old. The parents are pharmacists and doctors so they have about 10 different girls doing round the clock babysitting while they're at work or sleeping (trust me, you don't want sleep deprived docs or pharamascists). These baby's are now 13 months old and by now, they should theoretically be sleeping through the night. Well lack of routines and consistent caregivers means that they are up at all times of night. I usually sit from midnight-8am sleep in the nursery and tend to them and then drive an hour to get to lecture. I've been here through the thick and the thin. I've still come to babysit even after having a bad break up hours before, a concussion and sprained neck, mono (I know, but I'm a broke college kid), bronchitis, 3rd degree burns on my arms, mom's suicide attemp, very sick cat which gave me bartonella, etc. Anyways, they've been gone for a few weeks on vacation and took their babies so I really needed the money. Problem is it a dead week, I have a final today. Oh and how did they sleep? Both came down with the flu, peed on me and cried for all 8 hours straight and only stopped when held, Which is nearly impossible at this age and now I'm silently sobbing on top of an ill, crying, infant, stressing about my final in 3 hours, while the parents snooze upstairs. This has literally been the worst year of my life. I fucked up.
Da_Porta: What's dead week?
GTCanada: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dead_week
autowikibot: #####	
######	
####	
[**Dead week**](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dead%20week): [](#sfw)
---
>__Dead week__ is a [slang](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slang) term for the week before schools' [final examinations](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Final_examination) in the [United States of America](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_of_America). The week is known thus because of its notorious [stress](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stress_(biology\)); the propensity for [college](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/College) and [university](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/University) students to save exam study until the last possible week; and because [term papers](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homework) are often due. Students prepare for the exams and papers by pulling all-night study sessions, often with the aid of stimulants such as [coffee](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coffee), [caffeine tablets](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caffeine_tablet), and [energy drinks](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Energy_drink). During this period, some students will suffer from [sleep deprivation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_deprivation), increased irritability, and [stress](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stress_(medicine\)). At some schools, this week is referred to as *Hell Week*, *Reading Period*, or *Reading Week*.
>
---
^Interesting: [^I ^Was ^Dead ^for ^7 ^Weeks ^in ^the ^City ^of ^Angels](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Was_Dead_for_7_Weeks_in_the_City_of_Angels) ^| [^Revision ^week](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Revision_week)
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| 4 | 1.75 | |
1402066110 | 1402088193 | t3_27h1bm | t5_2to41 | 30 | [deleted]: TIFU; by telling my sister in law that im in love with her :(
We will call her Amanda, although her real name is so beautiful it makes my heart flutter.
It all started with the death of my best friend, two years ago, he was my only real friend. After he passed I was very depressed and when i would pick up/drop off my amanda, for babysitting or just coming over, we would talk and hug because we were both sad that he was gone.
Let me describe her, shes 5' 6", slim body with delicious hips. She has red hair with a beautiful rear, she shaves religiously and lotions everytime, so when she wears shorts I can see them shine and they look so good. She has small (but not to small) boobs that are the perfect size in my opinion, thin lips that I can only imagine pressing mine against. Her face is so cute it hurts. Her personality is frail and damaged, which makes me want to defend her and help her through her issues (her family is a little messed up)
My emotions towards her started with the hugging, she smelled so wonderful and she was so comfortable in my arms. I felt like she was teasing me sometimes, she would often wear revealing clothes, which showed alot of boobs camel toe and that sexy little ass one time Amanda and I went for a walk with my two daughters and she wore a tiny skirt, and while she was helping my youngest daughter in the stroller, i swear she purposely flashed me her sexy red panties.
For a long time it was purely a physical attraction, but for the last year i've struggled with the emotional and physical feelings i have for her. I developed a pretty hard case of depression, and a month ago my doctor started me on anti-depressants. A side effect of these pills was a lowering in my sex drive, which was when i realized that my feelings for her were far deeper than i thought.
Today is my 22nd birthday, after she texted me to say happy birthday, we were texting for a bit and somehow the topic got to feelings and i said I was in love with her but i was trying to get over it.
She responded with; You are not in love with me and you never will be, I am the opposite of attracted to you, if you ever bring this up again I will tell your wife. Leave me alone.
It hurt so much, today is the worst day of my life, my second worst day of my life was my last birthday, because i had a tradition with my friend and now hes gone, i feel so alone and now ive pushed Amanda away for good.
If your wondering about my wife and our relationship, she doesnt take care of her self that well, although she still looks pretty good for four kids. Emotionally she is a man and i am a woman so we dont connect well that way, sexually she is a prude. missionary is all i get, no kissing, no touching, no stroking, no oral, no nothing, its very hard to stay with her, i do it for the kids mostly, I never considered suicide more than i did today, i know i wont do it because i cant do that to my children, but i hate my life and i hate how my wife is.
drunkwithanxiety: 22 and 4 kids.
BritOnTheOutside: Someone call in [Jeremy Kyle](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oI00MjKt1Vk).
| 3 | 10 | |
1402068736 | 1402488483 | t3_27h5i6 | t5_2to41 | 14 | CondomThrownaway: TIFU by binning my dad's condom
I am a 16 year old, on exam leave, planning on going to a festival this year. It's been fairly hard to revise since our neighbours have recently started work on a new extension to to their property, and the work is very loud. In other news, my friends decided (without me) that it would be a very good idea for me to have sex after exams, and to that end suggested that I should try on condoms to find a size most fitting my member.
This morning, a situation arose for me to carry out such an endeavour, but the only condoms I had at my disposal were my dad's. It felt weird, but I put those thoughts to one side, slipped into my new dickwear and started jacking off. It was a pretty good fit, and although I didn't really know what I was doing with my dad's latex sock on my knob, I managed to choke the chicken dead after not too long. This is the part at which my first mistake occurred.
Instead of immediately disposing of the condom in a place where my parents would never find it, I decided to leave it in my waste paper basket whilst I got ready for my next exam. I left the house for three hours, with a proper method of disposal thought up on my return home.
The plan was to place the offending spunk sack in our outdoor bins. My parents would have no reason to go rummaging through there, and the condom would be safely hidden underneath all the other rubbish that would be thrown in there over the week, until it was finally collected on Monday.
I walked into the garden carrying the condom in my right hand. I walked slowly, extremely conscious of the fact that my fingers felt kind of moist and that, yknow, I was carrying a condom and stuff. At the bins I paused. I couldn't remember which one was for recycling, garden waste and general waste, and for some reason I didn't think to look inside. After a while, I looked up. Straight into the eyes of my grinning neighbour, peering over the recently built wall into the garden. He winked. In desperation to remove myself from the awkward situation I hastily put the condom into the recycling bin, on top of a load of bags, clearly visible to the next user of the bin.
Basically my neighbour thinks I just had sex and my mum's gonna find that out pretty soon. It's gonna look even worse if I go back out there and take it out of the bin, and I don't see any other options anyway. This situation is especially bad because I am the most awkward human you will ever meet and I haven't had any female friends since the age of about 6.
TL: DR: Put a used condom where my mum's gonna find it, with my neighbour watching me.
Elori: If your mum does find it, make sure she doesn't start to think your dads messing around. If she asks, just awkwardly fess up. Shit happens, next time though, wrap that baby tight in toilet paper and flush it, works all the time.
mythrowawayresponse: > wrap that baby tight in toilet paper
... either way whether you flush it or toss it is to camouflage it so that it doesn't look like a freshly used condom.
Hyperlite218: If you flush it the condom can and most likely will get stuck on an edge in the pipe causing a plug. Trust me I had that happen when I was 17 and the plumber that came pulled a ton of condoms out of the pipe and it made for an awkward conversation with my parents.
Elori: That's what the toilet paper is for, think of it like a vehicle for the condom. Toilet paper is designed to flush easy and problem free, wrap the condom tight in it and you're good to go!
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1402069874 | 1402087643 | t3_27h7bw | t5_2to41 | 13 | NJewboy: TIFU by shaving my balls
My bush hasn't been shaved in awhile and it was as thick as the amazon down there. I figured since I have some summer trips coming up, I'll shave my balls. I was waiting until no one was home. Well my brother hasn't come home from school at his usual time, so I thought he went out with some friends. Well I got naked and started to go to town in the garage. I do it in the garage for easy clean up because there is an air compressor there. Well the garage door fly's open and I immediately drop everything and get a towel. He knows what's going on but I say some lame excuse about shaving my head since I do cut my own hair. He just laughed and said "Don't you know when I get home?" No I don't know because you come home at different times each day. He just shook his head, walked past the tufts of hair, and we both act like it never happened. Well I'm petrified he is going to tell his friend and they are going to give me shit for it.
Joe434: TL/DR= Don't do bathroom activities in the garage.
SurelyOPwillDeliver: Hahaha, this. Also, just shaving your balls man. Gotta get primed for action! No dudes can rag on you for that
DrZombie1: Gotta agree with SurelyOPWillDeliver.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1402071789 | 1402154897 | t3_27haiz | t5_2to41 | 166 | Gorshum: TIFU by eating ghost pepper salsa without clothes on (NSFW)
So this happened to me a couple weeks ago before I really discovered this subreddit but this was one of those stories I knew had to be here.
First off I'm a guy so don't get your hopes up. Now then: My roommate was out of town for a couple weeks so it was just me around the house. As such it was very quiet and very boring. Nothing too interesting had happened but I hadn't set anything on fire yet either. Pretty good all things considered.
One day though I went out and did some shopping and it was way too hot outside. When I returned home I was sweaty and uncomfortable but I wanted to eat so I decided the solution was to get out of my clothes. Seemed like a good idea at the time. So I pour my ghost pepper salsa into a tiny little bowl, grab my nachos and proceed to eat. Now at this point I know what you're thinking, "You got it on your hands and then touched yourself didn't you?" That probably wouldn't have hurt as much.
No. What happened was that I got a huge amount of salsa on one of my chips, went to bring it to my mouth, and most of it fell off. Right onto my penis. "Great," I sighed and cleaned it up. I didn't think anything of it at the time. Got another chip, happened again, except this time it landed right on my balls. "Really?" Cleaned it up again and again nothing happened so I didn't think about it. It turns out though, like eating it, it just takes a minute to really get started. One or two minutes later the pain began. "Oh man that...oh..OH FUCK!" That burned like you would not believe.
This set me into panic mode. So I was frantically trying to wipe it off (even though I'd already cleaned it all off) hoping to get rid of whatever remnants were causing the burn. Life Pro Tip for you: That doesn't make it better. That SPREADS it. Lesson learned right? Wrong! I grabbed my water bottle, put some on my towel, and scrubbed furiously hoping to wash it off. It burns so so bad at this point and I'm basically just creating a containment field around my genitals and covering myself in it like invisible fire. I'm pretty sure any kids I would have would become the human torch at this point. I decide then that I need to ignore it. That with all I've done, surely it will go away in a few minutes and the pain will subside.
Wrong again. It just gets worse. I'm sitting there, my legs shaking, trying to focus on anything else I can just to ignore it. "Oh this is a good video!" - "Man this game is so fun!" etc. Eventually it reached a point that I could no longer take it. "Do I call 911?" I thought. But then what do I tell them!? "Please help me I spilled salsa on my balls!?" I don't want to have to explain that. This is a small community too, I would never live it down! However I do want to keep my genitals, that is also kind of important. Maybe I should call my roommate, he would know what to do! His phone is off, fantastic! Alright, emergency plan B!
So I rush to the shower, put it on as cold as I can handle, and I jump in there letting it run over everything. It's only partially helping though so I think "Soap! Soap is the solution!" so I grab the soap and I'm going crazy like someone hitting a throw rug. After about 10 minutes of that I put the soap aside and try to shake it out like when you're trying to shake the water out of your clothes. Over the course of the next 30-40 minutes the pain slowly subsides and I can handle being directly out of the water for longer and longer. By the time I could finally go sit down again all I could think was how could I have been so unbelievably stupid. What could have been going through my mind that I didn't stop and think, "Hey maybe this is a bad idea!" That and "Great Balls of Fire" wouldn't get out of my head.
The whole thing took probably 2 and a half hours but it felt like so long. This was how I fucked up by trying to eat food. Something so simple it should be impossible to fuck it up. On the bright side now I know the answer to a question I'd sometimes wondered about. The answer is yes, very very much.
**TL;DR** Got ghost pepper salsa on my genitals, ignored it at first until the horrible pain started, then spread it around like an idiot, panicked, spread it around more, burned like hell, tried to ignore it again, too much to ignore, considered 911, couldn't reach the roommate, eventually ran in the shower and attacked it like a fireman taking down a door, and gradually recovered.
xluminosityx: This might sound odd but you should have tried pouring milk on your junk since milk counter-acts the affects of spicy things.
Gorshum: For as much as I love spicy things I never actually knew about this. I can't say (hopefully!) that I'll ever get the chance to test that in this kind of scenario again but I'll certainly keep that in mind next time I eat something spicy. Thank you!
Kulongers: >Ghost pepper salsa.
>I love spicy things.
I couldn't tell you liked spicy food.
Gorshum: It's a closely guarded secret apparently! Often when eating something spicy around someone they go, "You like spicy things!?" Which to me seems like a strange question since I'm quite obviously putting it in my mouth. Over time I just started saying, "No, why would you think that? I merely bring this burning sensation to my lips because I'm a 5th degree Masochist. I studied at the martial school of self-infliction." They have no idea what to say after that and then I can eat in peace. And burning pain.
Kulongers: Now that makes sense.
| 6 | 27.666667 | |
1402073629 | 1402089121 | t3_27hdgt | t5_2to41 | 230 | [deleted]: TIFU By setting the college on fire.
First account made; primarily to submit this fuck up.
July 4th, 2013 is a wonderful holiday. Booze, barbecues, bikinis, some more booze, and of course fireworks.
Nightfall rolls around, and we decide to drive outside city limits to the canyon to go set off the big illegal stuff. We went a little ham with this years sky show, and we didn't have enough room in both of the vehicles to store the works in the back, so I had a full box of artillery shells sitting right in between my legs and decided to make the drive a bit more fun. I start lighting these things and tossing them out the window as we drive, STILL in city limits. Blowing up in front yards, the park, etc. It was fun and all but not a complete adrenaline rush like we were looking for.
I grab a much larger artillery shell, this flaming death dragon has to be the size of a baseball, I light it, wait a few seconds, and toss it out the window, straight at my buddy's windshield driving behind us. It manages to ricochet off and fly into the beautiful grove of trees on the side of the road. I wait a few seconds and...
BOOOOOM CRACK SNAP POP WELCOME TO THE FIERY DEPTHS OF HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLL YA DUMB SHITS! Through all the fire and the flames we managed to carry on.
"holy shit that was awesome"
"Dude you're insane"
"RIGHTEOUS! RIGHTEOUS!"
But then it hit me, I may or may not have just set the college on fire. Instantly I start to freak out and demand we go inspect the scene.
We're criminals, but not dumb criminals. We at least had someone else drive back there, in a different car in case there were witnesses, and ditched all fireworks before heading back. We arrive on the scene and there are several fire trucks, patrol cars, and civilian spectators. A whole congregation to witness the destruction. I'm shitting my pants. I managed to burn down a telephone pole, a dozen trees, and charred/melted a sizeable portion of the outside of the college library. Luckily the damage wasn't too severe, but still holy shit right?
We get the hell out of there, pack our things, dispose of any and all fireworks big or small and go camping for a few days to get out of town and reflect on my stupidity.
We get back to town a few days later, It was all over the news, front page of the paper, etc. etc. But authorities had no clue it was us, they had determined it was started by a firework but there were no witnesses to report on what had happened.
We are lucky, nearly a year later and no repercussion.
I haven't touched fireworks or anything explosive since that day, and I'm having second thoughts of doing anything too crazy this year. I no longer live in the same town but my life flashed before my eyes and I don't want to push my luck.
This is the first time I've shared my fuck up with anyone outside of the group, so thanks reddit for having a place where I can get this off my chest.
TL;DR Threw a firework out the window, caught a bunch of trees on fire, some telephone poles, and nearly burnt down the college library.
EDIT: I was not driving drunk, we had a DD.
My behavior was unacceptable, I KNOW THIS! I feel really shitty because of it and I've grown up because of this incident.
You don't have to tell me twice that I was being a really risky shithead, I did a lot of dumb things growing up but I'm not the same airhead anymore, although what I say doesn't matter because you already have your own opinions of me.
Thanks guys!
chelsmjlv: You're an idiot but a lucky one.
[deleted]: Thankfully, I feel like such an ass, I can't imagine the costs of repair for that.
chelsmjlv: And thankfully you didn't get caught so you'll never have to know. Although, in all reality that is why they have insurance and shit.
meltingintoice: That is why *OP* should have insurance.
[deleted]: No, insurance is for the victim.
meltingintoice: Welcome to [liability insurance](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liability_insurance), which is typically included in most other insurance plans (homeowners, renter's, auto, etc.).
[deleted]: TIL, but nonetheless I'm sure they wouldn't cover for something foolish like this.
Probably it's more for car crashes etc.
Anhanguera: Yeah there's probably a standard ~~cause~~ clause about not covering criminal behavior...
| 9 | 25.555556 | |
1402069552 | 1402151549 | t3_27h6v3 | t5_2to41 | 4 | yomandenver: TIFU After recently having surgery on my foot, I pushed the limits of my recovering body.
A week ago, I had foot surgery. Total recovery takes 3 months, but I'll be walking on it within a month.
This morning, I decidedly needed a beard trimming, because Grizzly Adams. After standing (with my foot not touching the floor, just hanging), the pain became too much to take even after I had taken some Vicodin roughly 30 minutes earlier.
I'm now down for the count, foot throbbing and all, debating on if I even want to try getting out of the house today.
TL;DR - Had foot surgery. Decided to trim post-surgery beard while my foot dangled. Intense pain followed. Beard is probably all different lengths.
SnooSnooCookie: Couldn't you have done it sitting down with a handheld mirror?
yomandenver: I could have, but didn't want to deal with the mess of hair all over the place.
SnooSnooCookie: Drape a towel over yourself.
| 4 | 1 | |
1402077954 | 1402143711 | t3_27hkjl | t5_2to41 | 2,813 | PNWRoamer: TIFU by getting my guinea pig killed by a bald eagle.
Today, I lost my guinea pig of 3 years, Remi, to the forces of nature.
I have a heavy, wooden box lined with his bedding and some food that use to bring him outside so he can't escape. It was a nice warm morning (DONT TAKE GUINEA PIGS OUTSIDE WHEN ITS COLD), and I left him on my raised, fenced, 2nd floor porch to enjoy the sun while I cooked breakfast. For the last few days a new bald eagle has been also using my porch as a lookout and landing on my roof. I come upstairs with my food to eat and his box is knocked over, and there's a little bit of blood. His bedding is everywhere, and Remi is gone. And guess what, that eagle is now on my roof eating some bloody ball of fur. Orange fur.
If I would have thought about it i wouldn't have left him there, but the eagle just started hanging out around my house and I sometimes forget how aggressive and predatory they can be.
RIP little buddy, at least you died a patriotic death.
khaos2295: I used to take my bird cage outside. my birds wings were clipped so they didn't fly away. One morning a couple years ago, my dad took them outside and a hawk came down and grabbed one of my birds and flew away. My dad woke up my entire family screaming and running at the hawk. The hawk got about 100 feet in the air and a good 200 yards away. For some reason the hawk just let go (probably because when tropic birds bite, it hurts like a mother fucker). Anyways, my bird comes falling to the ground and my dad caught it. she was missing a lot of feathers, but she's still alive to this day.
edit: it took about an hour to find our other bird because he flew a couple houses down he was so scared.
Also, I want to clarify that we took the cage outside and opened the door so they could roam around our patio. Obviously we stopped doing that after this incident.
ImDotTK: The hawk dropped it to try and kill it.
PoisonousPlatypus: (It's a bird.)
ImDotTK: Yes, and after being picked up, squeezed and dropped, it would be hard to start flying again before you hit something.
PoisonousPlatypus: The hawk doesn't go through this thought process, hawks just peck at them until they die.
ImDotTK: I thought hawk were the ones that would drop animals into rocks and the ground to kill them?
PoisonousPlatypus: Yeah, most birds do, but they don't drop birds, they drop hard shelled animals.
ImDotTK: Oh, so in other words this hawk was just carry the bird away, to be pecked to death?
PoisonousPlatypus: Likely to shake it around and year at it with it's beak too, but yes.
| 10 | 281.3 | |
1402081918 | 1402082958 | t3_27hr67 | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting stoned and having unprotected sex with a 32 yo Brazilian woman who spoke no English - NSFW
Okay here goes...
Myself and 3 friends recently went on a lads holiday to Amsterdam. What I expected to happen on the trip was spending too much time in coffee shops, maybe pissing in the canal and gawping at girls in the red light district. What actually happened was more than I ever expected...
Let me preface this story by saying that I was raised in a strict Christian family and I had had it more or less drilled into me since birth that sex outside of marriage was very bad and that you would definitely get pregnant out of wedlock and get aids (probably). I went to Amsterdam a 19 year old virgin and when I came back... that wasn't the case.
Over the past 2/3 years I had had 2 short term relationships and a drunken grope-fest in a field that ended prematurely when I lost my erection and to re-excite myself, stuck my finger up the girl's arse. With my 2 gf's I barely got the 3rd base.
Now, sometimes, when you are a 19 yo virgin who spends 6 hours a day on the pc you end up on websites that are trying to sell you the secret to sex. You buy this simple $80 e-book and Hey Presto! isn't sex! I never bought anything but I read some things here and there and I began to piece together this ultimate virginity-ending fantasy where I went down on her and made her cum 4 times and then finished all over her boobs.
This fantasy seemed very unlikely with my 2nd gf because she was rather timid frigid and she wanted to skip all the actually fun and physically of the relationship because she just wanted to "lose it." We tried to bang a couple times but I had some issues... namely condoms.
I'm not here to brag, ok. But I am generally a big person. Big hands, feet etc and my understanding is that girth is the determining factor, rather than length, when it comes to condom fittage and here-in lay the problem. Whenever I put it on, I could not for the life of me get it up. It literally took 30 seconds to yank it on and by then it was too soft to use. Through these failures I began to believe that I could never have sex with one, that it was impossible for me. This detail is crucial.
Fast-forward to Amsterdam >>>
I had heard that Dutch girls were good looking. But when the 4 of us got off the 24hr bus journey and staggered towards the nearest McDonald's, it was hard not to stare. EVERY girl we passed was like an 8/10 compared to English girls... que more nerdish fantasies... "damn, these Dutch girls are really attractive. I bet I can play the charming English card and I will definitely get sex!"
Alas, no one approached us and pulled us into an alley way for a quick shag. So we pressed on to the Hostel. We had a small dorm that was comfortable enough. There were the 4 of us and 2 empty beds which were obviously going to be filled with gorgeous sex-crazed girls on holiday, my brain told me.
But the 30+ hour journey was decidedly taking its tole and we crashed on the beds. I slept badly and it was through the blurry haze that I first saw her.
(First I must describe what I must have looked like to her. I had been up for 30 hours and I am fairly pale and very lanky. And on my face I was sporting a BAD attempt at a goatee that I was certain made my look sophisticated which as you know = sex. I was passed out on the bed)
She was short and a little overweight. She had very tanned skin and crinkley eyes from being in the sun so much but she was decent overall. And she had a BIG arse.
Something about my youthful appearance and slender demeanor must have caught her fancy because through my episodes of consciousness I noticed her point that arse DIRECTLY at me as she unpacked all of her bags. In my mind I was already preparing myself for the conquest ahead. I managed to say "hi" and she responded with what I though was Spanish. I did Spanish at school and the language tuition in England is piss poor. But in my mind if I could say "how you doin?" in Spanish with enough British charm then I could definitely get laid. So i said, in my most alluring tones, "Buenos Dias? ;)" She replied, in very broken English, that she did not understand and that she was Brazilian, not Spanish.
!!!!!!!!!!!
My first attempt at seduction may have been thwarted but Hello! a Brazilian woman? This was definitely gonna happen.
So with sex firmly at the back of my mind, my friends and I continued with our holiday plans. We blazed and blazed and blazed some more. The first night we got hammered in the bar through happy hour and ended up calling it a night fairly early but after a night's rest we ready for more of the same the next day.
Food at the hostel was shit but we spotted our Brazilian room-mate at the bar and sauntered on over to make polite conversation and see if anything was going to happen. We convinced her to come out with us that night so, through lots of gestures and hand-waving, we agreed to meet at the room at 8pm to go out at paint the town red.
First stop was a joint by the canal side. Which was cool. My friends had their own conversation about the different strains of weed we had tried during the trip, which gave a more mellow high etc, while I got close with the Brazilian lady. You might be thinking, "how will this story continue? We have already established that OP does not speak Portuguese. How will the saucy flirting commence?"
Never fear reddit, Brazilian had a solution! She pulled out of her purse a little scrap of paper which I was able to glimpse. It was list of basic English phrases. She read something of the list. "You are very h-handsome man" I smiled and so did she. Then I saw what else was written on the list...
I am not lying. The list read, in this very order:
"How are you?"
"What did you do last night?"
"Fuck me harder!"
"Stick it in my pussy"
I was a little stunned to say the least. The rest of the list was obscured by her hand but I could only imagine what other gems it bore. And by the way things looked, it seemed I was going to find out. When I said she spoke no English. I really mean it. I openly discussed the contents of the list with my friends, who all thought it was hilarious, as did I. But I was also a little nervous now because my adolescent fantasy was rapidly becoming a real situation that might just be the best thing that had ever happened to me. Emphasis on "might."
It was getting a little chilly and the stone bank was hard so we retreated inside one of the nicer coffee shops that we had frequented during the past couple of days. We went in. Bought a couple of joints and sat down on the sofa, right next to 4 very attractive 20something year old girls.
One of our number instantly started making friends, using a very effective magic trick routine that, it turns out, was absolute gold. In no time at all we are all sat in the corner blazing and trying to keep up international relations. It was during a particularly vigorous bought of laughter I noticed a problem.
Our diet over the past few days had been bad. They do some decent 5 euro pizza in Amsterdam but I hadn't eaten a lot of fibre. I checked the coffee shop's bathroom but alas no luck. Functioning urinal? Check! Functioning toilet? Nada. I made my way back to the guys and through an odd game of caricatures tried to communicate to Brazilian and the others that I was just going back to the hostel for a moment and that I would be back shortly. But she wasn't having it. She wanted to go back with me. It was 8.30pm. I caught my friends looks and much was said with no words. I was scared now. Did I want to bang this exotic Brazilian woman? Yes! Did I really need a shit? Yes!
So I begrudgingly stepped out into the street, Brazilian in toe and made my way back to the hotel (trying not the double up as I went.) It was at this point that she took my hand. I resigned myself to the fact that this was either going to happen or I would have a VERY awkward time trying to explain my shortcomings to her. I am 6'4" and she was probably under 5' So we must have looked interesting, to say the least, and to my horror, as we neared the hostel, I noticed a particularly vocal group of "lads" approaching us. "Look! Someone's pulled!" I heard, followed by guffawing. I ignored them. We were almost there!
But just outside the Hostel she pulled me aside and pointed to some steps that lead down to a basement underneath a shop. I obliged and took 2 steps down. I had barely turned around before she was upon me. She was very aggressive. I don't think she was the best kisser I've had but I hadn't gotten off with someone in well over a year so I was not complaining. After 5 minutes of snogging and fondling my hands were guided to more southern regions. I had 2 seconds to poke around a bit before I was being led to the entrance. Clothes were adjusted and I tried to keep a stupid grin from creeping across my face.
Need I remind you that I was stoned and a virgin. And this was Amsterdam. And I had almost had sex before. With condoms. And it had all gone wrong. "What is the solution?" thought OP in his very altered state of mind. "Don't use a condom! Duh!!"
So we moved quickly through the lobby (past 5 vending machines, 3 of which sold condoms) and straight into the lift because obviously she wanted 15 more seconds of private time with OP. I am reminded of the romantic extravaganzas from films: the scene in The Notebook where Gosling and McAdams slam back-first into every conceivable piece of furniture for example. Well... not quite.
I still really need a shit.
We got into the room and I looked around. My friends were still at the coffee shop entertaining the girls there. On the 6th bed in the dorm, lay, asleep, our final room-mate. I quickly turned to Brazilian before gesturing to the bathroom and held up my hand to say "5 minutes." She understood. Thank God. So I crept in and had the quietest, quickest shit of my life.
I try to move back into the room but she's cornering me and we go back into the bathroom (which makes sense given the sleeping room-mate 4 feet away from us.) It doesn't smell so we have at it. The clothes come off, quickly and the boobs come out. They are very big, which is good. We go down on each other for a bit, which is alright. I thought it smelled a bit weird at the time but it had been a while since I smelled it up close last and I thought "maybe all Brazilian girls smell like that" and plus I was high as fuck!
So then, it happens. We begin. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm high and I'm not wearing a condom. I'm a lot taller than her and we don't have a bed. I call upon the odd shower scene I had seen online and try to reproduce some of it. I'm not super strong but she wasn't super heavy so I tried picking her up and bracing her against the wall. I didn't drop her. But it wasn't getting anywhere. We moved around a bit, making use of what was there to lean on or balance on in the tiny bathroom. I think first contact actually happened whilst I was sitting on the toilet with her straddling me, which was maid all more unusual as she kept leaning on the flush by accident.
Anyway, I had lasted more than 5 minutes and I was still fairly hard. This was a good sign, I thought. And, yes, I did hear a few renditions of the phrases from earlier :P We ended up in the shower with her kneeling down and I tried to work angles. Trouble was, she was nearly flat against the floor and I couldn't really get at things or get her to sit up a bit. So I tried best I could but there were problems. I wasn't really going in the right way, just glancing across the entrance and I kept just popping out the other side. So I had my hand round the side of her to hold it in at the other end whilst I sort of shuffled backwards and forwards a bit. It was little different from the videos I saw online. We eventually stopped as it wasn't going anywhere and she said was tired. So I jerked off over her tits instead. Didn't finish in her (probably a good thing considering the lack of condom) but you know... doesn't matter had sex!! We showered off a bit and made out a little. Then, with a slightly clearer head, I tried to ask her if she was using any kind of birth control. I said, in English, "Are you on the pill?" and she replied with something that sounded eerily like, "you are a parent." I froze up completely stared past her the wall. Imagining the faces of my entire family and my now doomed existence. But that couldn't have been what I heard, just some garbled words that my paranoid brain was interpreting as the worst possible scenario. She didn't speak English, I rationalised and so brushed off the issue. Eager to tell my friends what had happened, I quickly made my excuses and left to meet them in the bar downstairs. They thought it was bloody hilarious. And we had a drink to celebrate.
I am not a superstitious guy but that day was Friday 13th (no kappa.) My initial reaction of "aw yeah" was quickly replaced by "oh shit." I also checked my nob shortly afterwards and found what appeared to be cheese stuck under the foreskin, which made an unholy stench and stang quite a bit.
The next morning I woke up and felt ashamed and stupid. I wished it had all been a dream. But no, it was very real. Needless to say I avoided her for the rest of the time in Amsterdam and as soon as I got back to the UK had a thorough STI-test. I'm fine by the way. No aids :D or pregnancy :D The "cheese" was just from a yeast infection or whatever, and the stinging went away after a few days.
There. That is the story of how I lost my virginity.
tl:dr Got stoned in Amsterdam and had unprotected sex with 32 yo Brazilian flat mate. Didn't know her name.
WPBDoc: I really regret reading this skyscraper wall of text.
Oh, and your parents must really be proud.
Oh, and Brazilians speak Portuguese, not Spanish.
sharked19yo: I didn't know she was Brazilian at first. That's why I tried Spanish. I stopped when I realised she was Brazilian.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1402078933 | 1402103664 | t3_27hm6f | t5_2to41 | 39 | oops890: TIFU by wetting the bed
Days since last bed wetting: 0 (previously ~6360).
So... for the first time since I was a very young child (when it's acceptable), I woke up this morning at 2am and was immediately shocked to discover I had some how managed to wet myself. Not just a little bit, the entire contents of my bladder was now fully absorbed into our mattress.
I live with my girlfriend and the first thing I did when I realised was jump out of bed which woke her u caused her to ask "are you OK?". I then had to utter words I hope I never have to say again: "No. I've wet to bed!".
After she was dispatched to the spare room to sleep, I began trying to clear things up. I didn't have tools for the job and had no idea how to go about removing pee from a mattress and eventually after much dabbing with toilet paper I established it was futile. I gave up, went to the spare room and tried to sleep. The primary thing on my mind was that this was the last bed in the house and if I did it again, we'd be screwed. Fortunately, I made it to morning without incident and went off to work without really paying much attention to the urine filled mattress in the next room.
Got home this evening and went to take a look. I hadn't dry out during the course of the day as I had hoped and, if anything, there was more liquid than there was the night before. I turned the mattress over and found pee literally dripping from the bottom of it. I got a pair of scissors and cut away the bottom layer and found so much liquid between the springs and absorbed into the other material. I couldn't begin to think how to get rid of it all and ensure that the mattress didn't smell foul.
The mattress is now folded in half and will be loaded into my car and taken to the tip tomorrow followed by a trip to the nearest mattress emporium. I can only assume that, when this happens, the mattress should be considered a write-off and immediately replaced.
TLDR: wet the bed, tried to clean up and failed, mattress is a write-off, much embarrassment.
Jack21222: It's astonishing to me how few people on Reddit use mattress protectors.
http://mattressnerd.com/reasons-you-need-a-mattress-protector/
hardtoremember: I sell mattresses and hardly anyone buys them. You should have one anyway but especially if you have kids and/or pets.
Jack21222: I'm a mattress salesman too, and about 50% of my customers buy a protector.
Thermohaline: Have you ever had a costumer try out a mattress and asked you to spoon him? Wait, let me rephrase this, what is the weirdest thing a costumer asked you?
Jack21222: A costumer? Surely you mean customer. Nothing really sticks out in my mind. Customers always think they're being far weirder than they actually are.
One customer did ask me to lay down next to her because I am about the same size as her husband and she wanted to check the motion transfer in the mattress. But even that seemed reasonable.
| 6 | 6.5 | |
1402086010 | 1402092168 | t3_27hxw6 | t5_2to41 | 25 | bozz41: TIFU by drinking the wrong energy drink
So last night, I had a very late night. On my way home I stopped at a store to purchase a energy drink, knowing I would need it in the morning for work. I picked one that I had not tried before just to see if I can find a really good tasting one. Found one that said "citrus" and it was "Marley's mellow mood". My 2 AM thinking was maybe it has a mellow taste. So I get up late and rush to work. Get to work, still feeling tired, I open and start to drink the energy drink. While drinking it I started to read the can. It says "The all natural botanical ingredients in this product have been specifically blended to mellow your mood and may cause drowsiness." WTF MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS! No no no... I want that raging bull turn you into a monster level of caffeine to awaken the beast in me, NOT the fall asleep at my desk stuff. As a side note it did taste ok and I learned that I can get 3 shots of espresso into a coffee cup at work. I even tested it out a second time.
TL, DR: went to buy an energy drink, got a "relaxation" drink instead.
Edit: missed a word
Edit 2: fixed spelling on espresso.
bodom2245: Mmm I love those mellow moods, drink 2 and I'm out like a light.
youareanassmaggot: I'm a giant that smokes medically. When I cannot get meds, but happen to have money, these put me out comfortably with little pain when I wake up.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1402090595 | 1402090814 | t3_27i5ab | t5_2to41 | 6 | le_dings: TIFU by shitting my pants while doing cocaine.
deathcloset: the mods should perform better tests: Cocaine is bad!
the_dinks: Why won't automoderator send a warning? ;_;
deathcloset: Keep trying. But don't do drugs!...alone....without me....
the_dinks: Okay... I'll struggle on...
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1402140217 | 1403030973 | t3_27i267 | t5_2to41 | 5 | HeartAndFist_: I'm actually going to one tonight.
Dr-Jay: How was the bullfight?
HeartAndFist_: Not what I expected. Not a disappointment but different than what it's depicted. Also, 6 bulls slaughtered in front of you isn't the best thing in the world.
Dr-Jay: How long do those things last?
HeartAndFist_: It was about 2 hours and 15 minutes.
| 5 | 1 | |
1402091209 | 1402091371 | t3_27i68a | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by shitting my pants while doing cocaine.
the_dinks: Thank you, my friend!
deathcloset: You are most welcome my good mod.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1402090323 | 1402111835 | t3_27i4u8 | t5_2to41 | 17 | bashfulcity: TIFU by having sex in the shower
This happened about a year ago, but seeing all the shower and sex stories got me kinda willing to share this with a bunch of strangers.
I was with (my now ex) a girl from HS I graduated with. We had been freaky for the last few weeks, We had sex probably on the 3rd or 4th date, Im terrible with remembering dates and such. She was always willing to do whatever, so I was getting out of my shell and learning different positions and ways to last longer because of her experience. (Which I'd like to thank her for but were no longer on good terms)
Anywho, this story takes place about the same time as it is right now, on a hot summer day. Although graphic and NSFW, I found myself laughing about it a few days ago shuffling through TIFU sub and laughing at others. This was bad and I'd never wish it on anybody (maybe an enemy). Let me set out the scene, Im at my parents home, There was nobody home, I invite her over. She had been telling me about shower sex and how to she wanted to do it. I (in my mind) was like fuck it, *play ball*! We started in my room, making out, playing with her melons, gripping her heart-shaped box. Im pretty rock hard right now, Im like fuck it. No ones home lets take it to the bathroom. I can use a different scenery instead of just pounding on the bed. I eventually build up the courage to pick her up and take her to bathroom. I start up the shower, (ugh I get shivers from the sound of it starting as I still use the same shower to this day). This is where we get stripped down nude, the shower gets foggy from the hot water, hell of a nice scenario, huh? She jumps in first, Im already tarzan-ed and ready to jump in behind her. I notice I get a little water on my Johnson. I grab my towel and I wipe it off and get prepared for intercourse. No problem, right? **WRONG**
Im excited and It was gonna be my first time in the shower doing it with a babe like her. Im like *YES!* in my head. But lord sweet baby jesus all holy mother mary joseph. As soon as I slipped it in I felt something funny. I kept going and I felt a really sharp pain coming from under my Johnson. The more I thrusted the more it hurt, I mean to the point where I back away and speculate whats going wrong. Then I see it. **blood**. I immediately start freaking out. I ripped a part of skin that holds the foreskin (I am not circumsized) to the d-head. Im flipping out, I look and all I see beneath us is red. Holy fuck. This is it. Im gonna bleed out to death from my penis, Is all I could think of. She was surprised and wanted to keep going but Johnson, well he wasn't having it and he went back to neutral position. We showered and went on about our day. She tried giving me oral to get it back up but now Johnson was almost KIA, I (a horny teenager) wasn't having any of it. I was shocked. In my mind at the time, I didn't think it was even possible. We watched a movie and she started rubbing my groin area to see if I wanted to play some more. Johnson, well, He was going but lord my pain receptors were through the fucking roof. If theres anything bittersweet in this world it was that, getting hard and ready to bone and having the feeling that Edward Scissorhands is giving me an HJ, at the same damn time.
I remember running to the bathroom to pee, a little blood and ALOT of pain. Peeing hurt, It just stung. Getting an erection felt like hell. I was wounded. She seen it in my face, what started with *"Yeah, I want it, bring it over here girl"* changed to **"HOLY FUCK DONT TOUCH ME THERE WTF"**. I would be almost limping for what seemed to be months was actually a week of not boning and sitting, waiting on my body to repair Johnson and his issues. I regret wiping my dick with that towel to this day. I could of avoided the whole thing but dumb young innocent me was prepared to go in and raw dawg the whole thing. Any lube is good lube is the lesson I learned there.
TL;DR Had shower sex, Fucked up and went in bone dry came out with a murder scene on the floor of the bathroom tub/shower.
Try_anothr_username: You must be one hell of an attractive fella to have her still want your bleeding dick inside her without a condom. Kudos!
imacheesytaco: Well, she is into anything!
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1402091977 | 1402339098 | t3_27i7db | t5_2to41 | 8 | Thep0is0n: TIFU by booking a non-refundable flight.
So, I've had a shitty couple of weeks as I finish university soon and can't get a job even though evenyone I know on my course have all managed to get one (Typical!) So I decided to treat myself to a holiday with some friends. I'm currently on placement in a school and was planning on meeting them out there for a long weekend. I'd been looking at flights for ages over the week and they were costing between £200 - £280 which I thought was expensive for 3 days, so after searching and searching I found one that was rather cheap (around £100) so decided I'd book it, I'd checked everything. Yup, right airports, all my details were correct, I knew it was non-refundable but I was so excited to have a break from all the shit at home...
Fast forward to today when I decide I should do my online line check- in before I set off next week and low and behold. I've got the flights mixed up.
So I have a flight from Malaga to Manchester and a return from Manchester to Malaga.
FUCK MY LIFE.
It's non refundable. I can't change the flight because it's going to cost me an extra £200 which I don't have. I'm an absolutely fucking moron, I'm so angry I could scream.
So yeah, you might as well laugh at my idiocy.
shlamon: If you book with orbitz you have 24 hours to cancel. For future or whatever.
Thep0is0n: I've never heard of them before, I'll keep that in mind. :)
MyNameIsSkittles: Be very careful booking with 3rd party sites like Orbitz. Trust me on this one, they say its refundable, but that's not always the case. As well you pay the site not the airline, so any mixups and the airline literally can not help you.
shlamon: personal experience, I purchased a 1200 dollar or so ticket to Europe and had to cancel and it was within 24 hours and got a complete 100% refund. They have it posted on their website as well.
A lot of american flights if you cancel within a certain time line will give you credit up to a year to use. I have never had to do that tho.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1402093256 | 1402096153 | t3_27i9ai | t5_2to41 | 8 | waffledoctor87: TIFU by trying to exhale through my nose while holding it
Normally, when I do this, it helps clear my ears. But this time, I instead partially dislocated most of my inner left ear. The pain felt like someone was poking an X-ACTO knife into my eardrum, and I could hear about as well as if that was happening. Also, I was drunkenly weaving toward the right for about 10 minutes. Eventually, I had the stupid idea to try to put a pen in my ear to help. It... didn't. Then about 10 more minutes later, I shoved an ice-cube up my ear. I then heard 10 quick pops in my ear and the pain subsided, finally.
TL;DR: Broke left ear a little and then fixed it with icerape of my ear.
shesbabycrazy: I expected a much worse ending. Glad you're ok.
waffledoctor87: yay
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1402094118 | 1402156976 | t3_27iakd | t5_2to41 | 6 | Seriou: TIFU by letting my friend use my phone.
Some backstory: I'm a junior in highschool and my friend, who I'm calling DT, is a freshman. He's also my coworker and we get along very well, but I honestly don't trust him with my shit anymore.
Anyways:
Our Physical Science teacher is a very chill guy and since we're so close to the end of the school year, we went on a walk a short distance through some playing fields and all laid out on the football astroturf and listened to a lecture about the solar system. I was hanging around with some of my freshman friends, DT included. After a while the lecture ended and we were all dinking around. I decide to show my friends a funny image I saved onto my phone the night before, and I ended with handing it to DT to look at.
He laughed, then exited out and did some stuff, I didn't pay attention to what he was doing. I trusted him. When he handed it back I went back to the Alien Blue app to read some /r/AskReddit threads when I noticed at the top of the screen it said 'Touch to return to call.'
Just then DT says "you should probably hang up the call dude, I called 911."
I thought he was joking but when I went to check, **he had called 911 and it was 10 seconds into the call.** I panicked and ended the call and promptly started yelling at asking why the fuck he did that, to which he just laughed. A few seconds later I get a call from the Sheriff's Dept., which I answer and immediately say, "I am so, so sorry. My friend called 911 on my phone as a joke, I am really fucking sorry."
The person on the line was very serious, she asked me what number I called from, and I told her. She said that I should tell him why that was not okay to do. I instead asked if she wanted to talk to him. She said yes.
I gave DT the phone and glared at him for a minute while laid there and listened, with the occasional 'yeah' and 'I understand.' After he hung up he burst into laughter. I told him again that calling 911 as a joke isn't fucking okay at all and he just shrugged me off and said *'sorry dad.*'
When the day was over he came up to me, laughed and said, "are you still angry? It was a joke!"
Yes, I am still angry you goddamn idiot.
**TL;DR Freshmen be dumb.**
Teotwawki69: Calling 911 when it's not an emergency is certainly a dick move, but it could have been [far worse](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/27azii/tifu_by_leaving_my_reddit_account_signed_in_on_my/) for you personally. Or not worse, depending on which way your boat floats.
Seriou: Yeah, it could've been worse. At least it wasn't as bad as yesterday, I accidentally asked my Algebra 2 teacher if she was ever in a gangbang.
Aralanics: >accidentally
How can you accidentally ask that?
Seriou: Well, I was jokingly asking her if she was a gangbang*er*, as in, shot rival gang members.
Came out as "did you ever participate in a gangbang."
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1402095321 | 1402105394 | t3_27ic9t | t5_2to41 | 12 | Supercatgirl: TIFU by accidentally reading a message on my bfs FB
We were planning a group boat ride for next month, since I need to make the reservations by tonight, I decided to take the liberty of logging in his FB and checking if his friend was coming or not. I accidentally ended up clicking a message from another one of his guy friends who asked "whats good?" my boyfriend replied with "pizza is good, random girls who like marines are good" seeing that made me feel terrible, but I also had realized that I wasn't supposed to see that so I closed it as soon as possible....Later in the day I can't keep it in me so I bring it up, turns out that message was of last year, before we met. And now he's mad at me for thinking he'd do that.
edit: missing words
[deleted]: hes prolly just upset hes been puttin it in crazy all this time
Supercatgirl: he knew what he was getting into, i'm cat lady certified.
[deleted]: have you ever thought horse ladies are just cat ladies wit alot of money?
Supercatgirl: I have debated becoming rich and upgrading my crazy, both a cat and horse lady. I can ride a horse with my cat on the side. Kind of like the side carts for motorcycles, but for a cat on a horse. Imagine it, me on a beautiful stallion, riding into the sunset with the wind blowing my hair back and next to me a cat in a leather side cart.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1402098645 | 1402127118 | t3_27igta | t5_2to41 | 30 | Throwaway82590485: TIFU by jacking it furiously at work. [NSFL] [NSFW]
WARNING: THIS POST IS SERIOUSLY NSFL (NOT SAFE FOR LIFE)
Continue at your own risk
************************************************************
First, a brief background: I read recently that men who ejaculated at least 5 times a week had a lower incidence of testicular cancer. I was doing this 2-3 times a week and decided to meet the goal of 5. This included making time during bathroom breaks at work (private rooms, no pressure to rush). Why not? Getting paid to come is awesome.
**SO**
Today I was running behind schedule and only had about 10 minutes left on my break. Didn't need to rush but still a pretty small window.
When the moment came to blow my load, I was horrified to see a stream of bright red shoot repeatedly out of the tip of my dick. Even though I was absolutely freaking out I couldn't stop myself from orgasm.
This wasn't 'just a little blood' in my semen. No, from what I could tell in my panicked state, it was ALL blood. Surprisingly, it didn't hurt at all so I finished milking myself and cleaned up.
As soon as I came back to my senses, I grabbed my phone and searched frantically for 'bloody ejaculate'. Apparently, while uncommon and extremely frightening, blood in semen isn't usually a major cause for concern (according to the internet).
It probably doesn't bode well that I searched for "blood in semen" and "I came blood" from my work computer though.
This happened just a few hours ago and I seriously am afraid of what will happen the next time I need to jack it. [AskMen](http://www.askmen.com/sports/health/10_mens_health.html) says it usually self-heals but it could take a few weeks to a month.
**TL;DR: I came blood (so metal).**
whatifitriedthisname: Happened me once, dont worry it still tastes the same.
[deleted]: 0_o
| 3 | 10 | |
1402100643 | 1402141483 | t3_27ijcf | t5_2to41 | 48 | Rocket_Admin_Patrick: TIFU by listening to a podcast while on an airplane
So I was listening to a podcast (Painkiller Already, if you know it) while on an airplane. The previous night I was hanging out with friends and while doing that, I was playing music out loud. (this becomes relevant later on) So anyways, 2 hour plane rides are boring, so I'd thought I'd listen to this podcast, it has some dirty humor that fits my taste of humor. One of my favorite parts in this one that I was listening to was about a question posed as "If you had to fuck your sister, do you want her to be 3, 8, 16, or now" and one of the people on the show ends up going on a rant-like speech on what he would do.
This is the speech "Ok you got me, my sister when she was 3, my sister when she was 8, my sister when she was 16 and my sister now. We are surrounded by a group of Greek god figures and they are made out of bronze. There is camera lights coming from above but you can't see the camera so we are confused but we just don't give a shit. Everything is white like one of those scenes in the matrix when the guns slide in and I go "guns lots of guns" but I don't say guns I say "dildos, lots of dildos" and they slide down and the crowd is going wild. Hutch (a guest on the show) is in his sky box and he is happy. All of a sudden, lube pours from the sky like rain and we just go at it. There is shit, vomit, and blood everywhere and it's just a five-way fuck fest the likes of which the man has never seen before. That is what I'd go for." Was his response. So the point of this is that my volume was at full blast on the speakers from my phone.
So it was loud enough to the point that I thought that my headphones were plugged in. So while I'm on this 2 hour plane trip the person next to me (a middle-aged man, nothing special) and this old lady behind me (definitely watches Fox news) hears this and by the time I had realized it was playing out loud, the old lady and the guy next to me have heard it. What ensues is the worst 2 hours of my life. This old lady behind me is yelling at me for "supporting the devil." Basically she thinks that the internet is the "devils tool to poison children." So she continually tells me that I'm going to hell for this and that I "need to repent for my sins". When I tried to explain to her that it was a joke she lost her shit even more and told me that the "youngsters are always joking, but god won't be joking when he sends you to hell." It was things like this that I had to listen to during this whole flight.
When I tried to get my middle-aged stranger to back me up he ignored me and wouldn't do as much as make eye contact with me. So when the plane finally stopped I ran as fast as I could off of the plane so I would never have to see her again. Well in the end I made it to my relatives house and tried to make my day better by going for a nice walk. I walked down the street to get away from everything when I see that someone pulled into the house down the street from my relative. I just keep walking down towards that area when I see her get out of the car. The fucking old lady was down the street from my relative's house. Then I hear her talking, she said, "You see him Robert, that was the kid I was talking about." I've never ran so fast in my life. Thankfully, she didn't see the house I went to so that saved me an even more awkward conversation.
TL;DR I listened to an explicit podcast out loud on an airplane and got yelled at by an old lady about me going to hell, and then it turns out that she is visiting down the street from my relatives.
GloomyShamrock: RAPE SQUAD KILLAZ :D
might be going to hell :(
Rocket_Admin_Patrick: If you're gonna go to hell you might as well go big or go home am I right?
AWildPlotTwistApperd: LEZ GO FUCKNARDS
NCWithasuit: FUCK KYLE!
| 5 | 9.6 | |
1402101505 | 1402103427 | t3_27ikgm | t5_2to41 | 11 | throwaway_swimsuit: tifu by losing half my swimsuit at a family outing and not realizing it..
* edit 2: people think I'm lying, and that my family would have told me or that I should have noticed. all I can say to that is I'm a ditz and my family is more accepting than most others, apparently..
so this past weekend, my entire family spent the day at my parents house. there were 23 pranksters hanging around in their backyard shooting the breeze and catching up with each other. with about an hour left before my dad finished the bbq, some of us decided to go swimming in their martinique pool. theres a basketball hoop at one end so we all started playing waterball for a while until for some reason we decided to dunk each other. my older cousin (20) lifted me up and dunked me so I tried getting him back but he was too heavy. instead, he kind of wedgied me out of the water and dunked me again but I went upside down. fuck him, I thought, I'd just get him back during dinner somehow because we're a family full of pranksters.
didn't work out so well..
dad yells that the bbq is done so we all settle in around 2 large tables and start eating. the entire time, I see people snickering at me, making jokes and I had no idea why. we finish eating them my dad says hey lets take a family picture and everyone starts busting out laughing except for me, figuring it was some inside joke they did that I didn't know about.
anyway, the entire family does this group huddle thing and me and my sister get pushed in front. my idiot brother is like, "westsiiiide" with his hand in a W, so we all kind of make signs with our hands (at least I thought we were). my aunt takes 3 pics, everyone is laughing, and I'm kinda laughing too like a moron, kinda to fit in but mostly because I was happy to see my family. my uncle chuckles and asks "this going on facebook?" and everyone looks right at me and busts out laughing. "yup!" my aunt says and more laughing, and they start cleaning stuff up. my mom hands me my purse and says "get dressed" in a really mean way (she's always kinda hated me) and walks away. I pull out my phone and check my aunt's fb and what do I fucking see?
3 pics, shared 14 times of my entire family pointing to some dumbass girl wearing nothing but the top half of a swim suit, flipping a gangsign.
* edit: when I finally found out, I ran inside the house but was laughing harder than anyone. I love my family.
ryanhealy: Sorry but how did you *not* realise what was going on? I find that really hard to believe
throwaway_swimsuit: it was a really thin swimsuit and I was high
ryanhealy: I wish I could get so high that I would be completely oblivious to my boobs being on full show in front of everyone. No, I just wish I had boobs
throwaway_swimsuit: it was the other half, I still had my top on
ryanhealy: Sorry, I'm high
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1402101728 | 1402105661 | t3_27ikr2 | t5_2to41 | 28 | Yuki_Ame: TIFU by falling for a phone scam
I was just using my computer when the phone rang. I answered it and on the other line was a woman who asked who I was. Upon confirming who I was, she then began saying that something has happened to my mom who went out a couple of hours earlier. She began describing how the car she was in had an accident when it passed by a red light and hit another car. The car that was hit apparently was owned by some rich business person and the child that was in it had gotten severely injured. My mom had teeth removed when she hit the window and was now with the woman on the phone with cotton in her mouth and crying.
It was all very believable. They even know my mom's name and my nickname that my family calls me. They even put my 'mom' on the phone but she couldn't speak and was crying. So, the woman on the phone began reading what my 'mom' wrote for me when she couldn't speak. It said I should fetch her where ever she is, and even talk to the 'attorney' about the case that the rich businessperson would file against my mom, telling the 'attorney' that it was all an accident, my mom didn't mean it and that we will pay all the charges. So I did (kinda begged) the best I can.
And that was not the worst of them all. After all the talking, my 'mom' had another request that the woman read to me. She said to go to my parent's room (mind you, I was alone at the house) and search upon her belongings a safe box that contained quite a huge amount of cash. And I tell you, my parents had a *lot* of stuff. She told me my mom couldn't remember exactly where it was and I should just search. I did not know that my mom had such a thing, and so I stripped searched everything in that room. Thinking it was my mom in desperation, I just grabbed the things and threw them out messily, trying to find this thing. I search every corner, opened every bag and by the end of my search, everything was a horrible mess. I went back to the woman in the phone and told her I couldn't find it. She asked me then if I searched everywhere and that I should also check the coat pockets to see if there's something hidden there.
So I re-searched the entire room again. But then, on my cellphone, someone called. And dun... dun... dun... it was my real, actual mother. I was really surprised. She seemed fine and nothing happened to her. I asked where she was and she was just getting her nails done. My mom had called to check on me (since I had a party to go on later) and to tell me to call her later when it gets late at the party. She also said she was trying to call me on the phone but she couldn't since it was being used. So I, in the most normal voice that I can, said my thanks and goodbye.
That's when I finally calmed down and *really* think over the situation. I had never felt so stupid in my life. There had been loopholes in the woman's story that I had just noticed. And now, I had a pile of clothes, bags, and other stuff in my parents room and a party to go on later. I had no idea what to do so I just slumped on the floor and began to cry at how stupid I had been and the current situation I was in. When I got myself together, I picked up the phone with this ~~woman~~ fucking asshole was on. I told her in the most angry, serious tone I can that my real mom just called. The voice on the other line said that was impossible, then she hung up, never calling again.
Now that was over, I had a mess to clean up. But before that, I re-called my mom to tell her few details of the scam, enough to give reason for the rearrangement of her stuff. She scolded my at how stupid I am and la la la la ^^thanks ^^mom
So putting the music as loud as possible, I began to fix her stuff and sobbing at short intervals. I could feel "the talk" coming on later.
**TL;DR: Some asshole called. Told my mom was in an accident. Believed it. Begged the attorney to help my mom with the case. Rummaged my parents stuff. Made a huge mess. Real mom called. Asshole never called again. Fixed my parent's stuff while crying.**
a_mex_t-rex: Dude you totally did not fuck up! Congrats man shit could have ended worse
Yuki_Ame: Exactly! It could have ended worse if my real mom didn't call.
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1402102729 | 1402128405 | t3_27ilym | t5_2to41 | 98 | arb1987: TIFU by swearing at the CEO of my company
I work as a CNC machinist. It is pretty loud where I work. Today one of my ear plugs had fallen out of my left ear while mid job, I bent down to look for it when I heard someone ask me if I was working this weekend. I yelled FUCK NO. Thinking it was the other CNC machinist I look to my right where he works but he was standing about 50 feet away working on his machine. I slowly look to my left and there stood the CEO of my company, absolutely stunned. I apologized and tried to explain I thought he was somebody else and my ear plug fell out and whatever else I could think of. Well he walked away pissed. The president and my manager both called off today so I am pretty sure I am going to be unemployed by Monday. FML.
TL:DR read the damn title
Teotwawki69: I really don't think you'll get fired over this. You might get a talking to from your direct supervisor, but probably not much more than that. (Among his own kind, your CEO probably has just as foul a mouth.)
arb1987: I hope you're right. I am stressing out
Teotwawki69: Let's put it this way... company CEO came down to where the "common people" work. That ain't going to happen in a company where profanity is grounds for termination. Saying "fuck" won't get you a raise, but it won't get you fired, either. On the bright side, if you don't get fired you've just put yourself on the CEO's radar, meaning that you might have actually earned brownie points...
| 4 | 24.5 | |
1402103557 | 1402106057 | t3_27in0b | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by spending $100 on porn
-eDgAR-: Sorry, but your submission has been removed because of rule #3, this is just not noteworthy enough.
[deleted]: Awww, I really wanted to read what he wrote! :(
| 3 | 2 | |
1402103698 | 1402171142 | t3_27in6a | t5_2to41 | 10 | thecrazyasscantonese: TIFU by flipping off Geese.
On a run today, I ran into this flock of geese on the edge of a trail. I have treated these geese with cold indifference before, some occasionally giving them death stares and the occasional bird. I practised my usual routine, but something was different this day. Maybe the three years of middle fingers and taunting finally built up in this one member of the species, not only returning the death stare, but giving the most terrifying "HISSSSS". Like an ill advised attempt to tame Daenerys' dragons, this freak of nature spread its wings and chased after me like a motherf***r. I haul ass out of there, and on the way, end up tripping myself on the side of the sidewalk.
TL;DR Flipped off geese, nature is scary.
coinpile: Carry a knife, stab the hell out of it next time, teach the others a lesson. Rule over the local geese for the rest of your life.
Tef164: Except that's a felony if they're Canada geese... So don't do that.
coinpile: You can't legally defend yourself against a goose attack?
Tef164: Actually not sure if is a felony.
They are a protected species in Canada and it is illegal to injure them though.
| 5 | 2 | |
1402101954 | 1402148725 | t3_27il0d | t5_2to41 | 79 | nasty_milk_fucker: TIFU by forgetting my girlfriends birthday.
First things first let me say that I am very bad at remembering important dates. Today was like any normal day, I woke up, showered, and ate breakfast. During breakfast, my girlfriend kept on looking at me like she was expecting something. I thought to myself, "what the hell is she doing? Did I promise her something last night but I don't remember?" As I left for work, she asked about dinner at her parents that night. Of course I said yes (her parents are hilarious, coolest bunch of folks in the world.) She said dress nice, but I thought nothing of it. I go through my 9-5 job (meat department at a grocery store) and finally get off work. As I check my phone before leaving for home, I read a text from my gf saying "Surprise me tonight". Of course I'm thinking after we get home from her parents house that she wants to do the sexy times, so I am excited. When I get home she is already at her parents, so I get dressed and head off to her parents. During the 45 minute drive, I keep thinking of why my girlfriend was acting so weird. When I pull up to the drive-way, I groan because I read the sign on her parents door, "Happy 24th Birthday"...lets call her Jen. At this point, I have no choice but to walk in and eat dinner next to my furious girlfriend of 3 years, and face her ungodly wrath at home.
TL;DR I fucked up today by forgetting my girlfriends birthday despite the obvious signs she gave me.
Teotwawki69: Well, you're not getting any oral for a year. And don't even think about asking for anal. Ever.
nasty_milk_fucker: I'm sleeping on the couch right now. GG.
ImKitsteR: You always have your hand :(
nasty_milk_fucker: I am currently trying to figure out what to do, not too worried about pleasuring myself.
Traffic_Light: I think any rational person can understand that it slipped your mind. Just beg for forgiveness, tell her you're stupid and take her somewhere nice.
nasty_milk_fucker: Making her a nice breakfast tomorrow then doing whatever she likes. And treating her to her favorite (and expensive) restaurant downtown.
Catherinekeeley: When all else fails, get her something that sparkles, munch her carpet, and write her a damn good love letter.
nasty_milk_fucker: OPs girlfriend. Can confirm was furious last night, but OP made chocolate chip pancakes and is currently my driver for my shopping trip today. Balance has been restored.
| 9 | 8.777778 | |
1402103318 | 1402186012 | t3_27impi | t5_2to41 | 14 | Stupidass666: TIFU and ended up in hospital
TIFU... Well, it started last night, actually, when the hubby and I had a few Friday night drinks. We headed inside for bed around 11pm when my psychopathic siamese cats decided to weave between my unsteady feet. I fell rather ungracefully, smashing my head against a table, splitting it open. Concussion ensued, and all I remember is hubby grabbing a towel, pressing it onto my head and dragging me to the car for a trip to the emergency room.
Although most of the first hour is no longer in my memory, I do recall the doctor examining me and asking why I had a huge bruise on my stomach, and even bigger bruises on the outside of each thigh. I explained to him that in the past 4 weeks, this was the fourth time my cats have tripped me over, although the last 3 times happened as I was going up the stairs, falling to the cold, hard tiles at the bottom each time. Unfortunately, he didn't seem to believe me, maybe because he assumes all heavily tattooed women drink too much and do drugs (which I don't), and shot my husband a filthy glare.
Fast forward to 6 o'clock this morning, he finally said I could go home, and that he'd leave it up to me to "get help for that drinking problem."
Thankfully, no stitches or glue were required, but my back is aching from the shitty hospital bed (as is my head). On the downside, this doctor thinks I'm an alcoholic liar who suffers with domestic violence, none of which are true.
The worst part? I had only washed my hair hours prior to my cats going all homicidal on me, and I can't wash it for the next 48 hours. Stiff, metallic-scented hair. Great.
**Edited because, apparently paragraphs. I was still concussed, and for some reason, when I pasted the text from notepad, it removed my formatting. And as evil as cats are, I love mine!**
[deleted]: I imagine they were singing that "We are Siamese" song in their heads from Lady & the Tramp while doing it.
Stupidass666: ShimmerLeaf3, that is their god damned theme song. But so cute... I posted this picture to instagram a few weeks ago with that song as the caption.
http://imgur.com/OxPOGQ5
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1402105643 | 1402143284 | t3_27ipjm | t5_2to41 | 3 | BVLeo: TIFU by ruining our neighbor's WiFi
My neighbor asked my last night if I can change the password of their WiFi. I've done it before so it's piece of cake, well, I thought it was. After an hour and a liter of sweat, I just then realized "WTF? I have no any idea what am I doing right now!", I tried all my knowledge about routers and modems but still no success, so I just gave up, apologized and said to my neighbor that they need to consult a legit IT (I'm not an IT BTW). So yeah they don't have an internet today because of me.
Sypher0110: Urg I deal with the ramifications of this shit everyday. "my friend thats into computers helped me and now my computer/internet/phone is fucked please unfuck it" I have a look and the friend has installed multiple antiviruses or created accounts for them without leaving them the password. usually ends with me saying "dont let him touch it again, im sure he means well but he doesn't know wtf he is doing"
LizardKingRumsfeld: Urg I get business from this everyday huff puff so mad
Sypher0110: More frustrating than maddening; generally because they defend their friend "oh but hes so good on computers" yes, I am sure; he knew what he was doing he wouldnt have put 3 antiviruses on and told you it will work better, what does he do for a living? Oh he works at Mcdonalds? Fanfuckingtastic. Or they dont accept my advice in the first place because "bob will do it for me bobs always on the computer" and slink back to me months later
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1402108052 | 1402123833 | t3_27isk6 | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to do a home waxing job
So, I actually used to wax myself for about a year or so because fuck paying $54 for something I could do at home for $14. I became pretty proficient at it. I used to work that wax. Every month my vulva was smoother than a veal cutlet. I don't remember why I stopped doing it. I think I just forgot and then never did it again. Anyway, this was about 2 years ago.
Today I decided to use hard wax. I put it in the microwave for the time recommended. I did a little dance, remembering how good it feels, post wax. The microwave went "beep", I removed it. Let it sit for 3 minutes, and stirred it. I was nervous. But my god I did not know what was going to come.
I decided to start at the top, y'know, the mons pubis area. As I dipped the spatula into the wax I swirled it to get maximum wax. As I put it on the area, I realised I didn't actually do a heat test.
I overheated the wax.
The pain was unbearable and I wasn't able to remove it until the wax had hardened. I wanted to call my mother and tell her to go fuck herself. I wanted to travel back in time and punch a dinosaur in the face. I wanted to look Josef Mengele and Hitler in the eye and say "I'M JEWISH" because I'm sure all of those things would be less painful that the scorching wax that is burning my fucking pubes.
Because I am an idiot, I did not think "GO WATER NOW". I thought "sit it out girl. it'll get better" BUT NO IT DID NOT. IT GOT WORSE. And not only did I forget in my agonising rolling around the key period of hard wax is when it's a play-do consitency.
I let it completely fucking harden. And ripping off hardened wax off burnt skin is not fun. It hurt more than getting napalmed in 'Nam. I ended up in the shower crying about my life choices and slowly trying to exfoliate it off, before I realised this isn't water soluble wax.
I ripped it off. No hair came with it. I cried, I cursed at God for making me think this was a good idea. I ran my sore, burnt body under cold water. I looked down and realised I now have a first degree burn on my fucking pubic area.
TL;DR - tried to wax vagina, ended up with a first degree burn
redditlion: Pardon me but if you don't mind I'd like to ask a very embarrasing question. I've had many girlfriends who take care of their business down there but I have never had the courage to ask about exactly how this is accomplished.
So when you ladies go to a place and have it professionally done is the technician actually looking straight at your bare vagina and touching all over it and stuff? Because I don't see how my lady friends get it completely hairless unless somebody is all over that thing from every angle.
binomial_surd: Yes, that is what they do. Although they are really just waxing portions of the vulva, not the vagina. Then they follow up with tweezers to clean up any strays. When men get waxed the procedure is similar.
If you are interested enough to search then you can find all sorts of videos showing the procedures, some more graphic than others.
Edit: spelling, punctuation, and word stuff.
redditlion: I could never go through with it guess I'm not all that tough after all.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1402107665 | 1402164454 | t3_27is2z | t5_2to41 | 50 | jmarsh433: TIFU by getting a boner during a "nut" exam
Before I get into the details of this embarrassing moment of my life, I will give a little back story.
Back in high school I played hockey and during one of the last games of my senior year I took a slapshot to the balls which ended up shattering my cup and causing severe swelling in my sack. This was 5 years ago.
Anyway, ever since that day my left ball has been significantly larger than my right. I actually do a pretty funny thing with it when I’m drunk that resembles an inflating balloon that never ceases to have my friends in utter hysterics when performed (Maybe I’ll gif it in the future and tag it NSFW for you guys).
Anyway, after a recent physical, my doctor convinced me to see a specialist just to make sure everything was ok. He was concerned that it could be a tumor and it would be smart just for me to get it checked out. I agreed and scheduled an appointment with a urologist in the area.
A week later I went in for my appointment and was greeted by the urologist in the reception area. He told me to follow him one of the patient rooms. After a quick once over, he suggested I get an ultrasound done of my sack to rule out any possibility of cancer. I agreed. He told me the nurse would come by soon to prep me for the examination.
This is where shit gets real. 5 minutes go by and I'm still sitting on the exam table wondering twiddling my thumbs. I hear the door handle squeak and in walks the HOTTEST nurse I have ever seen. Tall, blonde, huge boobs. In my head I was screaming “OH Fuck Yeaaaa”. At least the nurse is hot this time and not some old shriveled up bag of a woman. Anyway, she smiled and asked me to follow her to another room down the hall that housed the ultrasound machine.
A little ways down the hallway, we arrive at the room, and that is when reality struck. “Excuse me, but when is the doctor coming back”. She replied, “Oh, I will be conducting the exam”. 0_0 “Excuse me?”
She tells me to have a seat on the table, lay back, and relax. She then proceeds to lift up my gown exposing my cojones to the cold, dry air of the room. But then something strange happened. I felt something warm and slick being applied to my balls (I learned later it was the lubricant used for the ultrasound device, but how the fuck was I supposed to know that?). Being a guy and having a super-hot nurse literally inches from my dick, in the process of lubing up my balls for an ultrasound machine, certain thoughts began to pop in my head (I mean do you blame me?). I tried everything I’ve used in the past to prevent poppin’ a chub but to no avail, I even pictured two old people having sex (don’t judge. Desperate times call for desperate measures). But my guy was on a mission and that mission was to stiff as he possibly could. People, I literally used every ounce of will power to prevent myself from nutting everywhere. Oh well fuck it, it felt good.
Well, guess what guys I don’t have a cancer! Turns out it was a hydrocele. It’s worth a google.
bidkar159: So how is this a F* Up?
I mean you don't have cancer, and a hot nurse conducted your exam.
BTW how did she react to the fireworks?
TuckerP: Yes, OP, how did she react?
jmarsh433: she gave one of those "oh ..uh OHHH!"
[deleted]: She had an orgasm?
| 5 | 10 | |
1402110723 | 1402114345 | t3_27ivl1 | t5_2to41 | 34 | Lady_BeepBop: TIFU by getting scammed over two husky puppies.
I am just your ordinary 19 year old female who swoons when i see a cute puppy. Occasionally I even take a break between the "aww" and "soooo cutttte" to utter the phrase "I can't even".
Recently I got an apartment with my SO and we decide we wanted a puppy. Now I have always wanted a husky so I begin the hunt. Local breeders here run you around 4000 for a husky, out of the question. I start browsing craigslist and come across the two cutest puppies I think I've ever set eyes on. I reply to the ad with my contact information, this is when the waiting and begins. A few hours later I receive a text and BINGO it's my much anticipated doggy dealer.
They send several photos and begin listing prices. 200 for one or 400 for both. Now this is where I should have seen red flags but these pups had me hipnotized. I ask when I can meet them and they reveal they are a few states away due to job transfer but will happily send the dogs trough a shipping company. Now not only are flags red but every flag in the world should be popping up. The fee to ship them way only 100 and I foolishly sent money through Walmart.
Then I get an email from the shipping company about how they need thermal air crates and it's an extra 300 but they refund it when the dogs are delivered. So I send the cash on over and prance out of Walmart with the thought of my two new pups.
Needless to say I realized about an hour later I fucked myself out of 800 dollars and call my SO. He calls the moneygram company and we were minutes too late. The asshole on the other end just picked up the money. I cried hysterically as my mom called me an idiot an my SO comforted me.
Doggy dealer deserves the money for my ignorance. Well played asshole enjoy your money.
Edit: spacing
Kimonolawyer: Why do people spend so much while dogs at the pound need a home and are basically free?
Securitybob: for the same reason people adopt Russian children when there are many american children that need parents.
Kimonolawyer: My understanding is that red tape makes it nearly impossible here.
Securitybob: yeah, after that cunt returned that kid.
| 5 | 6.8 | |
1402109933 | 1402796731 | t3_27iupt | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by continuously kissing with my friend.
So yeah its 5:45 am now and i still cannot sleep. I have been kissing/snuggling her up until 5:30 and she left saying : we shouldn't tell what happened to her flatmate and we are not lovers. When I asked if this will continue she repplied with "it cannot". Here is a little backstory:
So i know this girl for about three months now and we have been texting everyday since then. 1 month ago i finally confessed that i like/love her and she gently refused it by saying i am a precious friend of hers and she don't want to lose me. So we have been hanging out as close friends after that (yeah, sorry, friendzoned hard...) today she got mad when i refused to show her my texts with another female friend of mine and she got that cold attitude towards me. I went to her place for a sleep over and when clock hit 3 am her flatmate went to sleep. Then we started talking about what happened. I told her i couldnt show her those texts because we were talking about me loving her and how i havent moved on (which is true). At first she kept her cold attitude and was stubborn. Then suddenly she sat next to me and laid her head on my left shoulder with her lips close to mine. After a solid 1 minute that felt like an hour somehow we ended up kissing for about 3 seconds. Then she backed away saying that she is sorry and messed up our friendship. Then some dramatic conversations emerged and after that we started kissing again hugging even snuggling on bed. Then she left telling me what i have said earlier.
I am confused as hell and dont know what to think. But I am pretty sure even i fail at being her boyfriend? It fu*ked up our friendship.
I don't know what to do more than creating this thread as she told me to keep this as secret.
Sorry for my insufficient english skills. I will fix typos later today.
bronyarse: From a woman who just found out her best (male) friend is in love with her... I tell you this... Run.
Because I feel differently about him now. I can't stop wanting to do things to him, just because I no he wants me. However, I don't feel the same way, it's just nice to be fancied, it's nice to be lusted after. I have a bf though and I'm happy.
Some ones going to get hurt in this situation.
Run.
Skadiie: Same situation as mine. We no longer talk anymore.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1402090574 | 1402181501 | t3_27i598 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to punch my boyfriend and pulling my shoulder instead...
So, we were on a road trip, listening to some new (to me) music. He started to mock my limited music tastes, so I wound up to mockingly punch him for his comments. Unfortunately, I missed completely, and pulled my shoulder instead. We laughed about it for a good 10 minutes, but OUCH!
stosh2014: For the record, I'm the boyfriend. AMA!
Sypher0110: This is literally the lamest TIFU I have ever read, did you guys truely think it was worthy of sharing with the internet?
2ennedJenn: The literal lamest? Wow...that's an achievement within itself, so, yeah, definitely worth sharing.
Sypher0110: You should make another TIFU: I posted shit nobody cares about. RIVETING STUFF
2ennedJenn: Next time, I'll be sure to embellish the story with how I shit myself or accidentally fucked my best friend's boss' Mom's dog. Thanks for the constructive feedback on how I should post. Very helpful!
Sypher0110: Better yet; leave your mundane stories where they belong.
2ennedJenn: Right next to your inspiring comments... have a great day!
Sypher0110: One wouldn't exist without the other :)
stosh2014: And yet you're fully engaged, so guess who's the jerk off?
Sypher0110: The ensuing passive agressive rage is far more interesting than the initial turd of a post ill give you that.
2ennedJenn: We aim to please :) Couldn't live with myself knowing you wasted 15 seconds of your life reading the initial post. Had to step it up...
Sypher0110: Its not about wasted time(were on reddit to waste it), I just didnt understand why you thought it was a story worth sharing.
| 13 | 0.769231 | |
1402121810 | 1402188015 | t3_27j6r6 | t5_2to41 | 342 | boneritiss: TIFU by sending possibly the worst thing you can to your mom
Let me start off by saying my mom is a traditional lady and somewhat over protective of me. Because I live with my parents I'm still required to abide by their rules. Me being a teenager i secretly break their rules you know, to have fun.. I'm considered the good kid in my family and don't really get into trouble.
So tonight was a special night, we were celebrating my friends birthday and i was pretty fucked up by 11. Now I don't know why but for some reason my friend gets the play boy channel on dish and for the hell of it someone decided to put it on. So the night progresses and no one has changed the channel, there is some random pornstar reality show playing in the background while everyone casually socializes. I get a text from my mom around 12 asking when I'll be home which I forget to reply to. A couple minutes later a friend texts me asking what I'm doing. Without thinking I take a picture of the play boy channel with a bong and send it thinking it was to my friend.
I realized a minute after I sent it how badly I had fucked up and without thinking again I punched the wall of my friends house. Making a hole in it.
After a thousand apologies I walked home to my devastated mother and now might be getting sent back to live with my grandma in the mother land to "learn some morals and values"
Don't think I'll be mixing weed with alcohol anymore.
http://i.imgur.com/m8Sb3K9.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/W1maaDq.jpg
Edit: it was a joke I am not 13
Devils_Abacus: What are you, 16? Get off reddit.
crushbang: Yeah, because reddit is a place for grown ups and not those gosh darn youngsters... right? Or what the hell do you mean?
Devils_Abacus: Get off my lawn.
crushbang: Seriously though, someone suggesting that reddit is mainly used by older than 16 people is the strangest thing I've ever read here.
MellowYellow212: The difference between the content in late April versus June, though, is staggering. High school lets out and Reddit devolves.
Dolens: High school doesn't let out until the end of June, so you're thinking of July.
HopelessSemantic: Depends where you live. In some places the school year ends in May.
| 8 | 42.75 | |
1402123977 | 1402239828 | t3_27j8no | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by impregnating my ear.
I was taking a bath.
I jerked off in the water while my ears were below the waterline.
Semen got stuck in my ear and no amount of head-banging and Q-tips will get it out of my ear canal, and all sounds have been softened and muffled in my right side.
I'm not sure if I have to go to the ER, and I don't know how I can explain this to my mom.
Also, while I was writing this post, I realized that I indirectly fucked with my head. :(
strikerz13: Look online for beeswax ear candles. They will suck that shit right outta there.
Tesabella: They're also super dangerous.
strikerz13: Are they really? I had no idea.
Tesabella: There's a lot of potential for hearing damage and nerve damage with them, and sometimes it can disrupt the delicate balance of the ear.
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1402127418 | 1402185480 | t3_27jb5g | t5_2to41 | 64 | medi0litr0: TIFU because my phone's ringer went off on the set of Lost.
This was a long time ago, but I was on the set of Lost as an extra. We were doing a flashback scene. I was walking by the camera on the first take with my partner, and my phone went off just as the director was gonna cut it. Let's not forget this was a particularly long scene. Everything was perfect, besides me being there. We stayed an extra 2 hours because of my mistake.
Please forgive me Lost crew, even if this is years later.
rconnelly20: What was the scene/episode?
medi0litr0: I'm too embarrassed, even to this day. I cannot say.
Edit: Alrighty, I'll fess up. It was the scene where Desmond throws his Ring into the Thames.
Season:3 Episode:8
yopussytoogood: I worked crew on that scene and this didn't happen.
IsThisUserAvailable: *"The problem with the internet is not all information can be trusted"* - Abraham Lincoln
medi0litr0: "An autobiography is only to be trusted when it reveals something disgraceful. A man who gives a good account of himself is probably lying, since any life when viewed from the inside is simply a series of defeats."
-George Orwell
| 6 | 10.666667 | |
1402102080 | 1402171872 | t3_27il7f | t5_2to41 | 5 | Knights_of_Napier: TIFU By emailing a customer when I thought I was emailing my coworker.
I was emailing back and forth with a coworker and customer at the same time. The customers response to an email fit a question I asked my coworker so I just rolled with it without even thinking. I replied back " FINE!!!!" ( me and the coworker joke around all the time). Then I got an automatic reply which I of course thought was my coworkers again, so I said " Oh you get to go out of town??How great! Gee, thanks for rubbing it in!"
After this sent I asked my coworker in person why their auto reply was on before she went home....she said what auto reply...that's when I realized I sent what appear to be angry emails to a customer.
yadag: What? Clarity.. I have no idea what you're trying to say.
Knights_of_Napier: That big word is *the*
AxonPotential: You honestly consider "the" to be a big word?
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1402106632 | 1402158756 | t3_27iqso | t5_2to41 | 4 | hiddeninsideyou: TIFU by replicating Sports Science
So if you haven't seen the Sports Science video where a football player smashes a door in you probably should. So today after my 6th mountain dew kick start I attempt to smash down a closed door (not locked). Unfortunately it worked and now I'm 100 in the hole in order to repair the door. I'm so lucky.
SnooSnooCookie: This wasn't a regular fuck up, you're just an idiot
hiddeninsideyou: True...True
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1402134229 | 1402165054 | t3_27jfgg | t5_2to41 | 3,173 | crankityo: TIFU by smashing a spider up my vagina
Sigh... this just happened about an hour ago. I just woke up and felt the urge to do my morning wee. I walked into the bathroom and as I did I noticed a rather large house spider lurking next to the toilet. Now, I don't have a *fear* of spiders per se, but once they get to the point that you can hear them thump on the floor when they fall off a surface I start getting a bit panicky. This particular spider wasn't enormous, but it definitely wasn't small either. So, I sit down, whip out my phone to check if anybody had anything interesting to say on Facebook (no) and felt the sweet release of urination. Ah, bliss. Now this is the part where everything went horribly wrong. I unrolled some toilet paper and folded it over, ready to wipe when - oops. I dropped it. Thinking fast I snatched It just as it hit the floor (yes the floor is clean) and brought it back up to wipe. Wait. What was that on the paper? Some fluff? A hairball? These are all the thoughts that were going through my head as I brought the paper ever closer to my lady parts when I should have been thinking "ABORT NOW, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING". But no. The paper engaged. Then, as I was wiping I realised what had happened. In the split second it had touched the floor it had landed directly on the spider and it had hitched a ride to its urine soaked death. I took the paper away and saw the spider sat directly on my vagina. The next part still baffles me now, but in between my scream and jumping off the seat I decided in my wisdom that I also needed to make sure this thing was dead. So I punched it. Yes, I rammed that fucker into my pussy as hard as I could. At this point I'm crying and trying in vain to wipe the spider corpse out of myself but I'm just smooshing it around. So I'm just covered in tears, snot, urine and spider guts and I haven't even had coffee yet. The half hour shower I took still hasn't made me feel clean and I can't even begin to explain to my husband what the hell happened. Edit: Thank you very much for the my first gold :) I didn't realise it was my cakeday too! And thank you to everyone for their comments, I feel much better now. Some quick answers to some questions I've been getting.. No the spider didn't go "inside" me when I hit it it was a term of phraae, however in the aftermath of wiping I can't be sure where any parts of it have ended up without putting a blowtorch down there which I'm not willing to do. (sorry for my lack of formatting I'm on reddit is fun and it doesn't seem to like page breaks?)
birdbrained: So I punched it. Yes, I rammed that fucker into my pussy as hard as I could. .....So I'm just covered in tears, snot, urine and spider guts and I haven't even had coffee yet.
I only just joined reddit and this is by far the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Congratulations, not only are you my first comment but I am now sitting here covered in tears and snot from laughing at this!
I really hope you didn't cause yourself too much damage though. Haha
ASK_IF_IM_PENGUIN: >I only just joined reddit and this is by far the funniest thing I've read in a long time.
So who here gets the honours of introducing you to a few things? Colby? Jolly Ranchers... Or maybe I'll just let you look them up for yourself...
birdbrained: Eeep! Did I do something wrong?
ASK_IF_IM_PENGUIN: Not at all. There are just a few... Required readings. Cumbox probably too.
Risen_Warrior: Don't forget broken arms.
GotMittens: No one needs to read that.
RCIX: ^
I'd consider myself as jaded as any redditor but when i bothered looking that one up... i was like, what the fuck? That one deserves to stay as a reference and, at best, a brief explanation.
depricatedzero: honestly, all things considered, it's not nearly as bad as - say - vagina bacon or doritos
RCIX: Eh, those are gross as shit but that's it. How casual and normal the OP of broken arms was about what he did... just kind of felt chilling. IMO anyway.
depricatedzero: maybe I'm missing some context, it's been a while since I'd read it, but other than violating a universal taboo it's not really even weird. Hell had it been anyone other than a family member it could pass for a particularly plot-filled porn
RCIX: It was the stuff like him nonchalantly mentioning "oh my dad was fine with it, on the condition that he got to watch and jerk off". Like... wat
depricatedzero: I forgot that part haha I mean ya, I'm not saying it's NOT fucked up, just that with everyone being ok with it no one came out of it horribly scarred except Reddit really
| 13 | 244.076923 | |
1402138985 | 1402165629 | t3_27jid8 | t5_2to41 | 94 | [deleted]: TIFU by ramping railroad tracks with friends in the car [NSFW]
I want to start by saying im not sure where else to go with my story or how im feeling at the moment but reddit as been my home on the internet for so long idk where else to go. Ive spoken to families and friends but writing this post has helped me clear up reality and perspective.
I was at my house playing rust when my friend (a) shows up asking if I can take him to pick up some weed, so I agree as I didn't have any weed and was coming down from smoking earlier. We drove and found some within the half-hour, proceed back to my house where I see 2 of my best friends walking with which we pick them up. Friend A suggests we go to the lake and chill on the dock. I hadn't really been over there so I'm all for this adventure as usual. We always called it an adventure even if we were just driving down the damn road. After we finish smoking I'm ready to get home chill, play games so we load up and head home but Friend A suggests we go down this other road which is probably a dead end just for the fuck of it. Idk why but I turn left and venture. Its a half mile stretch of dirt and he pushes me leg down on the gas briefly so i oblige and speed a bit before letting the car slow down. We continue down this road and my friend keeps warning my about how him and friend C had flipped in a car before on this road because of speeding. I'm cautious but high and trying to enjoy myself but I really wanted to get home so I calmly keep driving but not slowly. We eventually hit these railroad tracks and I get this weird feeling cause 2 guys are standing and 1 of them looks pregnant he had the biggest beer belly. Deliverance? finally we hit this dead end that has a turn around. Friend A says "now you can do donuts" so instead of a donut I kind of whip it in a nice 180 around this tree and head back towards the railroad crossing before slowing down for a turn.
I can tell my friend isn't amused. Seeing the railroad tracks about 100 ft away I kind of floor it but not quite. I figure this would be enough to scare them a bit and not try to pressure me for speed anymore as my friends start saying "no no wait no slow down" I can tell they are worried about the train but I knew it was stopped from seeing it earlier. I focus the tracks and maintain visual on speed. gaining speed, i should slow down i think to myself. We were going about 40 but idk if being high and stupid and only driving for about 7 months it didnt seem all that fast but I tunnel vision the train and space out, like a passenger in the driver seat i see everyone is looking at that train and for just a second but a second too long i stared, when I look back we are in the air covering a large distance extremely fast, the tree line and ditch are at our projected landing. We spin a 760 no flips just spinning into the trees and the roof is gone but not for the backseat, there it is crunched and sheered to the right now pinning friend C to the back of the driver seat as he was pushed forward. Friend A fell out and Friend B is in the back laying down. Only me and C dude are awake. I only had abrasion from seat belt. I am awake and hysterical feeling the utmost guilt like I had killed them. I rip off my shirt and apply pressure to the head of friend A as he has blood on the back of his head. A and B arent waking up. They are all breathing though and blood is at their mouth. I keep screaming what have I done but c dude keeps telling me he forgives me and to call 911 on his phone. Both A and B have what appears to be head trauma( i found out later A dude didnt have barely any head damage but was out cold from shock and pain in his leg from broken bones). I try to wake them but nothing. I rush through the back of the vehicle to get to B dude and he isnt stuck or anything just laying there peaceful almost. I felt like nothing was ok but as I told c dude everyones condition he didn't seem too worried and it calmed me down some. His calmness probably did the most to save everyone that night even though he couldn't move and i didnt want to make things worst.
I'm still awaiting news on friend B in the hosipital on life support. He recieved no damage below the neck. Being so far out in the woods may have cost precious time for him as well. Even if he turns out fine afterwards I have robbed him of so much life at this point. The swelling in his brain is slowly fading but only time will tell. I'm afraid I have killed him or caused substantial brain damage permanently.
A dude has broken femur but his healing normal
C dude will be walking soon
there's so many regrets i have of that night before and after the wreck of how i handled it or why didnt i have my phone on me, i could have gps'd our location.
i wanna kill myself but that wont change anything
i wanna smoke but it doesnt change these facts
i want to drink fuck drive play games watch movies and browse reddit like i used to but its not im so fucking mad at myself i cant sleep normal.
its so fucking fast how you can spend 3 months of just doing nothing but getting high and playing games to one day of having fun and its all a fucking glimpse of life were all just a god damn speck of dust sitting in a sun ray cast out in a galaxy of millions of stars but our memories and recollection of life preserves us even for a moment and that moment lasts a lifetime and its Hell, i want my friend to come back to our hell so bad cause im selfish and so is all his loved ones. its earth and we are all human the mistake i made was human and being human is a motherfucker. I tried so hard to learn from the mistakes of my peers when it came to driving that in that moment i forgot everything. and that is literally what makes us human is what we remember in those seconds is what defines us basically. I want my friend to be ok and forgive me. He literally told me a week ago " if i ever was stuck on a feeding tube you end me no questions asked " i told him of course man i wouldnt want to either but i never fucking imagined i could cause this to him or even have to come to that but its so close to reality im scared. I will update on his condition if i havnt deleted this post
birchskin: The old man in me wants to lecture you so hard about driving high and fucking around in the car....
Best of luck to you and your friends, hope everyone recovers ok. I've had some major fuckups myself, and it's going to seem awful for a while, but things will get better.
CuntyMcshitballs: I got downvoted in trees for saying it's not a good idea. It's a shame some people have to find out this way. Good luck OP people are pretty tough remember.
ape_cage: I'm sure the feeling of being high played a part in it but I really don't think it's as much to blame as the driver himself.
| 4 | 23.5 | |
1402138856 | 1402140684 | t3_27ji9l | t5_2to41 | 3 | pusspunter: TIFU by drinking some liquid in a solo cup that has been sitting in my room for at least three days
I am gonna try to finish this before I shit my pants. I have just passed the first wave of destruction. I know there are several more painful ones headed my way.
So reddit im a lazy fuck and I forgot to pick up a cup that has been sitting in my room for a while(3-4 days). I filled up a cup downstairs with water and forgot to bring it up. I wound up drinking from a cup with some unknown liquid that has been sitting out for a long time. Now this liquid I have no idea what it was, but as soon as I swallowed the one big gulp in its container I knew I had made the worst mistake since Chernobyl. The flavor was somewhere between dead fish, sour milk and eggs. With an aftertaste so bad that chinese people wouldnt even eat it. The reason I say "eat" is this liquid was kinda clumpy. I hope i dont poop out my intestines.
My stomach feels like im churning butter, but I managed to write this without shitting myself. I better go now
I will clean my room better
-sincerely my stomach
AWildPlotTwistApperd: Grats, you just swallowed AIDS.
/s
In a seriousness, downing day-old dregs isn't the best idea.
pusspunter: Yes. This isn't the most fun ordeal.
| 3 | 1 | |
1402138263 | 1402142163 | t3_27jhx3 | t5_2to41 | 23 | hideandgoanal: TIFU by not wearing underwear
So, on the last day of school I decided to wear basketball shorts with no underwear, I figure its the last day, my dicks gonna be flopping around, fuck it, tomorrow is summer, today's the last day of finals. Anyway, I sit in front of this really hot girl, and the way the desks are set up I have to turn sideways to squeeze through in front of her desk. (it's worth mentioning at this point that I'm fairly well endowed) As I'm sliding past, my dick goes rouge and pops up onto her desk and literally knocks all the shit off her desk, her final, her water bottle, her fucking phone are all on the ground and I'm just sitting there with my dick on her desk, and we're making awkward eye contact and everyone is staring at me and I just turned around and started on my final, pretending not to feel all the eyes on the back of my neck.
edit: let me make it clear, my dick remained inside my shorts.
ssjkriccolo: Dick goes rouge.
ghostdunks: With some lipstick on the tip, just to make more "purdy"?
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1402139754 | 1402140253 | t3_27jiw0 | t5_2to41 | 3 | freshprincesingapura: TIFU by running for the bus
This didn't happen today actually, it happened about 2 years ago
I woke up late for school one fine morning. I took a dump, went to brush my teeth and take a shower. Managed to do that within 10 minutes, put my school uniform on and rushed out of the house. I then put my earphones on and hit play on my iPod's music playlist. As always, I used an iPhone app to check how long more it was until my bus arrived at the bus stop. Learning that there was 3 minutes left, I ran as fast as I could, but just a few steps away from the bus stop, I tripped on my untied shoelace, fell down the flight of steps leading to the bus stop, landing merely 3 cm away from the road. Tangled in my earphones, my shirt was soiled, I was bleeding from my knees and arms, my spectacles were smashed, My iPhone and iPod's screen cracked and I had badly scuffed my face. After having a moment of embarrassment, a kind old bloke came an helped me up and checked on me. I then went back home, limping, only to have my parents ask me, if anyone had beaten me up.
TL;DR : Ran for a bus which was almost arriving and had a really bad fall
iJungSJ: Hi WELCOME TO REDDIT.
Zx
freshprincesingapura: yooo
| 3 | 1 | |
1402140050 | 1402140500 | t3_27jj3n | t5_2to41 | 30 | GiraffaTron: TIFU by giving head with the lights on
Okay so a little backstory. My boyfriends bedroom has a door on each side of his room, one leads to the bathroom and the other his brothers room because of this his brother is constantly using the room as a hallway also no locks on the door. So my boyfriend and I are laying in bed(lights on)and we start making out and one thing leads to another and we both end up naked. I start giving him head and all of a sudden the door flies wide open and his brother is standing there. I hurry up and cover with a sheet even though he clearly saw us. He stands there for a second and instead of apologizing and leaving he just strolls through. At least he'll knock from now on
BairdosDelBaggio: Sadly, from his reaction, I expect he'll just continue strolling through.
If it changes at all, it's likely to go the way of him bursting in more often.
GiraffaTron: It's not the first time people have walked in but we can usually hear someone coming and climb under some blankets
| 3 | 10 | |
1402140498 | 1402145761 | t3_27jjeg | t5_2to41 | 13 | byebye247: TIFU gave a man a bag for his groceries...
Male 16. I have a job at Woolworths (Australian Groceries Store) and I work on the checkouts most of the day, today this man came in and grabbed some bread rolls. I didn't see him grab them but it was the only thing he had. He came to my checkout and asked for a bag to carry his rolls in and I politely gave him one. He the proceeded to walk back into the store and out the checkout behind me soon I couldn't see, without paying for the bread rolls the fucking sneaky bastard stole some bread rolls. He was an elderly man around 70 and I was just trying to be nice, so he is just like IMMA STEAL SOME FUCKING BREAD ROLLS... I know they are only like $2 or something but who can't afford that...
Recap: Elderly man stole bread rolls
helen73: People who are waiting to get their pension and have no food, that's who.
byebye247: But you wouldn't think that an old man would do such a thing like seriously... if an old man asked borrow your phone and you were like yea sure, he won't run off and he runs off you would shit yourself
borntobewildish: Apperently pensioners are a growing group of thieves. Often it's not even because they can't afford the item. Most of them are just bored and lonely and resort to stealing to have a thrill.
At least I read an article about this some two years ago. Can't find it anymore though.
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1402139853 | 1402141778 | t3_27jiz4 | t5_2to41 | 9 | fractal117: TIFU by eating a cookie
So I work the night shift and as far as I am concerned this happened "today" but really it happened yesterday morning when I got off of shift. I work maintenance in an industrial plant in California and last night (Thursday night) was incredibly busy, more so than normal so I was a bit greasy, tired and very hungry. So I get off of work and the best thing about working nights is I can get breakfast for dinner. I go to a bagel shop by my apartment and I grab bagels and Thai tea, oh god yum. I got home only to realize that my roommate and his friend that’s visiting from New York destroyed the kitchen making cookies last night. I didn't think much of the mess other than wow they suck at making cookies. I was more or less ignoring the mess because A. there is no way I’m cleaning this and B. all I really want is a cookie. I found a few but they were big, I say fuck it and grab the biggest one. I go to my room and I start watching some cartoons because I'm 28 and I'm a man damnit. Flash forward; I'm halfway through eating the cookie before I realize that it tastes funny. I think nothing of it other than it tastes funny. Keep in mind I am incredibly tired the only thing keeping me awake is that I am twice as hungry. Once I finish eating I passed out like a west Texas teen on prom night, thankfully without the rape. I woke up several hours later, incredibly high. Easily the highest I have ever been. I don't smoke pot other than recreationally and I am a total light weight. My roommate however smokes concentrated dabs of hash oil every single day like three for four times a day. Apparently they got really high and went on a food run and to get more pot from the dispensary. They wanted to make cookies but forgot to buy butter at the store. On their next stop, the dispensary they bought pot butter and considered themselves to be geniuses. While I was working they got even higher and decided to attempt making cookies but really just made a huge mess and a few cookies. Like only five cookies. The cookies however were the size of pancakes and could easily be thrown as a Frisbee. So after I wake up feeling higher than the governor of Toronto (I know that’s not possible but I've never been this high) I ate about 10 corndogs, a tortilla or two, scrambled eggs and drank half a gallon of orange juice. I went back to my room and fell asleep yet again. I have to work the next night starting at 6pm. My alarm goes off and its 530 and I am still very much high. Not Willie Nelson high but definitely dude on the cough high. I decided to go into work anyway because most of the important people don’t work Friday nights. When I get to work I see my boss’s car. ohshitohshitohshit he sees me too late to try and call in sick. I think to myself fuck it I can play this off as allergies and Benadryl making my eyes red and my face groggy looking. We walk into the building together while I try to avoid eye contact and only giving one word answers to his small talk attempts. So I find myself in the conference room for shift turn over and everyone is there, which is way more than normal. Damnit why today? My boss announces that there are a few rewards due to some techs for fixing an important machine. I now know why everyone is here. It's dumb but my boss gives out gift cards 25 or 50 bucks for going the extra mile. No one ever sees me or what I do because I work nights so today he decided to give credit to me in front of everyone that works day shift. Today of all days he decided to do this, awesome just awesome. Thankfully he just hands out the cards after talking for a bit and not a lot of attention is called my way. I put my carhartt hoodie on and held kleenex to make it look like I'm kind of sick. Holy shit it must have worked because no one said anything or really looked at me too hard. It’s tough to say for certain because I was pretty high but I think I'm ok. It's 4 am now and I am not high anymore and the gravity of the situation is just now hitting me. I could have easily been fired since I work with high voltage in a industrial manufacturing plant. This isn't GameStop I can't be high at work.
tldr: I ate a pot cookie by mistake and went to work high
LizardKingRumsfeld: The gravity still hasn't hit you- YOU COULD HAVE BEEN FUCKING ELECTROCUTED!
LizardKingRumsfeld: But, that said, that's an awesome story. I don't have a job but now I have a dream... a dream of gigantic, highly potent frisbee sized pot cookies... someday
| 3 | 3 | |
1402144199 | 1402153115 | t3_27jm0o | t5_2to41 | 411 | throwaway432524: TIFU by eating a 5 guys burger before yoga.
I am a 24 year old male working in IT in a hospital in the greater Boston area. Recently I have decided to get try to reduce my unhealthiness (I am 6'2 and 250 pounds). I decided that yoga would be a good way to try this, as maybe it wouldn't be as jarring on my feet as running (they go numb), and maybe it could also relieve some of the stress of the workweek.
So I pick a place out, and plan to go there after work on Friday(yesterday). However, in typical IT fashion, me and the other guys on my floor will all go for 5 guys around 1 pm on Friday. So we go, and I get a burger and small fries, but do not get a soda (trying small steps!). This goes down pretty easily, but if you have ever been to 5 guys you should know that they are very, very greasy and smelly burgers.
So work ends, and I go over to the yoga place, and I knew I made a mistake the second I walked in. The place was fairly close to a college campus, and is absolutely filled with gorgeous, 18-22 year old girls (some guys too, and they look limber as fuck with tattoos and shit). I almost left right there, but I decided to stick it out because I already made it there after work...
So I pick a spot and try to unobtrusively do my yoga, and things actually go really well. The instructor like doesn't bother me too much and gives like 2 levels for most things, so that I can do the easier one, and everyone seems pretty interested in their own thing.
So I'm feeling pretty relaxed, and we are in this like downward dog pose where you are supposed to bend at the waste and push your hips back. something like this I guess:
http://threeminuteegg.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/3ME-Downward-Dog-with-Eggs-in-Hands-300x203.jpg
Anyway, I feel a fart coming on. Now, I sit in my cube at work and just rip silent farts all day, so I guess my body just naturally was like alright, lets rip this fart with the usual butt-hole maneuvers that result in a silent fart, just like at work. But there, I am sitting upright in an office chair, and I guess depending on the position you are in, it can be harder to release a silent fart. I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I DECIDED TO DO THIS AT ALL. It wouldn't even have been okay if it was a silent fart. People would obviously know it was me!
So the fart comes out, and once a little bit escapes the entire thing comes out, and it is NOT silent. The yoga room was crowded, and when you are in that dog position, you can kinda look back and see the person behind you. It was this really cute redhead, and she looks up at the start of the sound and receives the rest of my fart directly to the face, and immediately starts loudly gagging. It wasn't my biggest fart, but that says more about me than about the size of the fart, because it was pretty big.
I ran through my options at this point, as the smell of an hours old 5 guys burger begins to permeate the entire area around me, and stood up, said "yoga doesn't seem to be for me", and left as fast as possible.
I almost threw up when I got home. There is something absolutely horrifying about seeing that many attractive people all looking at you with disgust... I don't think I'll be going back there...
FerrisWheelJunkie: Runner here. Kind of unrelated, but if your feet are going numb while you run you might just need a different shoe, probably one with more support. Head to a decent (usually small) running store with an old pair of shoes. They'll check out the soles of your old shoes and probably put you on a treadmill to analyze your foot strike. Then, they'll help you find a shoe that compensates for whatever issue is making your feet go numb.
The best part is, you can fart all you want while you're running, and no one will ever know.
ssjkriccolo: Would it be cool to go to one of these stores to get your foot measured and then buy online because it is cheaper? It sounds crummy now that I type it out but I really need to replace my new Balance. They totally ducked up their sizes.
keepyourcoins: Don't do that. It's totally transparent and paints you as kind of a dick.
If it's a local running store, just bite the bullet and buy some shoes from them after you get sized. That way you're supporting local business, you know your size, and can buy online in the future.
ssjkriccolo: Yeah, half way through my comment I was like, "wow, that sounds jerky". But I had already typed so much and I figured I'd finish it
keepyourcoins: Glad we're on the same page! Always better to throw a few extra bucks towards a local store -- usually they're just nice folks trying to make a living in the shadow of amazon.
Bvixieb: I love you.
| 7 | 58.714286 | |
1402148095 | 1402266992 | t3_27jpci | t5_2to41 | 193 | st3amtr3der: TIFU by masturbating on my birthday
I had been staying up pretty late because it's weekend and both my dad and mom would be working so I thought it wouldn't be so much of a deal for my birthday, it usually never is we just tend to keep the present opening for the evening and maybe eat something I can chose, not a big deal.
So my father is standing on the other side of my closed door and kind of wakes me up by saying that he's going away to work and that the clock is 13.00 (because I don't like to sleep too long during the days), and here's where the fuck up begins.
I begin taking my morning wank which would be heard to atleast the outside of my door but I figured since no one was home it wouldn't matter. I finish and raise up from my bed to go take a shower, when I open my bedroom door I see to my surprise my whole family standing there in shock with me infront of them in my underwear semihard.
It got awkward as fuck because apparently they had made this surprise thing in collaberation with my bday present which was a canoe they wanted to show me down the garage.
FuCK!!!!
Fedexico: Never assume you are alone in the house. Always verify.
platinumgulls: Like a wise man once said, "Trust, but always verify." I live with my girlfriend and I still do a full house sweep before I even contemplate rubbing one out.
Nephyst: Me too man, she always get mad when I do it without letting her watch.
Bmil: Why would anybody want to watch? It's like watching an agitated monkey use a shake weight for 15 minutes below a desk.
[deleted]: Maybe his girlfriend is Jane Goodall.
| 6 | 32.166667 | |
1402149556 | 1402194172 | t3_27jqqm | t5_2to41 | 12 | sillycones: Tifu by bringing my friend on my fishing trip.
Lets start off by saying I am a catch and release angler. I do not keep anything I catch nor do I condone cruelty to animals so all you PETA types can cram it. I like fishing purely for the outdoor experience and to keep my survival skills from getting rusty.
This happened yesterday at a place called tinkers creek. Its a rather sizeable park with flowing water, cliffs, playgrounds for the smaller children, etc....
I mention to a buddy earlier on in the day where I'm going and what I'm doing because he just bought a new gun and hasn't gotten to shoot it yet. People go out to tinkers creek all the time to hunt, fish, whatever and I figured I'd offer to bring him out. He agrees of course and we drive out.
When we get there I know the trek to where I want to go is not by any means a simple one which translates to noone else being around and we should be left to our own devices. Theres an extremely steep hill kind of off to the side of this one parking area.... and I mean steep... damn near a cliff face about 150 yards long. So we climb this thing and are completely wiped out when we finish. We rest. We continue.
Its another 45 minute hike to my spot which is secluded as all heck and I never leave without a bite of sizeable mention. As soon as I get there I see this huge three foot catfish just sitting there right off the bank. I cast my line out way past him and start reeling my line in.... I slowly bring my bait right across this fishes line of sight... he sees it.... he begins swimming towards it.... he's not a foot away holy shit I'm about to catch the biggest fish in my life....
And then out of left field my friend opens fire on this fish I'm trying to catch right as he goes to grab my bait.....
He missed every single shot and the fish not only swam off but now nothing will bite and for the next two hours I continued on without so much as a nibble....
He isn't coming with me next time.....
PotatoMurderer: Who the fuck shoots a fish with a gun?
sillycones: Actually to be more accurate.... pun intended.... he didn't shoot anything. He completely and utterly missed.
psycobob7: of course he missed, the refraction of the water threw him off so he shot above the fish every time...
sillycones: His horrible eyesight doesn't help either especially in low light.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1402153670 | 1402190974 | t3_27jvbv | t5_2to41 | 288 | Tom370: TIFU: Not sure if I can look my mum in the eyes again
This may not have happened today. But it very much applies to the 'fucking up' part of this subreddit.
Yesterday me and my girlfriend were babysitting for my Mum and Dad who are foster carers and went out for the evening. We'd just put the kid to bed and were getting ready for bed ourselves. For context, my bedroom is at the end of the hallway on the top floor landing and the bathroom is at the opposite end round a corner so it's not possible to see from my bedroom door.
My girlfriend had left the room to brush her teeth and I was getting undressed in my room. For whatever reason I thought it would be hilarious to stand in the doorway of my room in just my underwear (I was wearing those horrible 'grandad' boxer shorts that have the little opening in them so you can flop your dick out) with my dick noticeably hanging out so that when my girlfriend came back she'd walk down and see me standing there, doing a stupid face with my dick grinning at her from below.
So I wait like 30 seconds, and I hear her coming down the hallway so I assume my position. Everything was going to plan until I realised that it was in fact my mum who was walking down the hallway, having returned prematurely, smiling and preparing to tell me of the lovely evening her and my father had had together. In this moment I completely forgot my dick was poking out and smiled back ready to respond. Then she noticed. And I noticed.
To cut a long story short, I ended up curled in a foetal position on my bed crying inside while my mum laughed so hard that it turned into a harsh 'cackling' and my girlfriend was in similar fits of hysterics upon hearing the story.
**TL;DR: I was posing with my dick out and my mum saw it.**
agentlame: If it makes you feel any better, she's seen it before.
MrSejuani: Theoretically it was inside of her before, along with the rest of you
EpicSeaPancake: Figuratively
MrSejuani: Essentially
zue3: Definitely
tishstars: Literally.
Nevare88: Disturbingly.
TheGoodCaptainDucky: I'm so hard right now.
Enghiskhan: Getting there. Give me a few.
| 10 | 28.8 | |
1402154075 | 1402343456 | t3_27jvu9 | t5_2to41 | 51 | [deleted]: TIFU by throwing a kick-ass party
So here I am, less than one month after graduating high school and my parents are going to Las Vegas from Thursday until Monday. My younger siblings are staying with either grandparents or at a friend's house. What do I do with an empty house? I invite a few friends over to drink a little and maybe play some Catan and watch a movie.
By the time we start drinking, everyone has invited over some more friends. Then those people invite some more people. What started out as about 5 really close friends turns into about 30 people (half I know, half are strangers) all drinking and smoking in my parents' house. Everything is going well, everything is relatively tame given the circumstances. Around 4:30 AM I'm beyond drunk and a little high, so I head to bed. Nothing seems odd when I wake up except some penises drawn on my face. Some of the guests I didn't know, but I know are from another high school in the area, have even cleaned up my downstairs. By 10:00 AM, all guests have left and I'm home alone.
I begin cleaning up and am thinking that besides some beer and food missing, my parents will never know. Then I realize some pills from when I had my wisdom teeth removed on Monday are missing. No big deal; I'm almost done with them anyways. Then some friends tell me things were taken out of their purses and someone's change of clothes and shoes are missing. I soon learn that in addition to the medications, I had about $200 cash meant for this week's meals stolen from me, and my Dad's work iPad are missing.
Supposedly, the girls who were invited by the super nice guys that cleaned my house are the thieves and nobody can track them down, let alone the guys who invited them. I can let the cash slide or cover the loss myself, but come Tuesday, my dad needs that iPad for work and I can't get it back.
**TL;DR** Party got way out of hand and I lost some valuable shit. I'm a dead man.
Edit: My parent's don't know yet
circusgame: Call the police
Edit: Actually the more I think about it. You should call the police, explain what happened and I'm sure they will quickly get to the bottom of it. Stolen cash and painkillers are no small thing.
You should also be an adult and call your parents and explain how the party got out of hand, you couldn't stop it, and people took advantage.
RunningMoto: I talked to my parents. They told me to look for anything else that might be missing and make a list. They said don't report anything to the police until they get back.
Play_4: Don't wait. The longer you wait, the less likely anything can/will be done.
DontNeedNoBadges: Yea don't listen to your parents. Listen to reddit, What's the worst that could happen?
expatscot: That due to the time wasted none of the items can be recovered?
DontNeedNoBadges: He's already in deep shit for the party and he's in deep shit for the stuff getting stolen. So do you really think his best course of action would be to NOT LISTEN TO HIS PARENTS AGAIN? It's their stuff, they said don't file a report yet. So don't. No need to disobey your parents again.
expatscot: Ultimately what do you think of the following:
OP reports it, gets cash back and iPad back. parents happy or mad?
OP doesn't report it, parents wait too late to do so. He gets even more battered.
Think.
| 8 | 6.375 | |
1402154072 | 1402166000 | t3_27jvu2 | t5_2to41 | 5 | AlwaysTheMun: TIFU by telling my sister she is fat.
So I do care about my sister. And she's trying for a kid, right? But she has PCOS. She's stressed and on all these hormonal drugs (that I mistook for diabetes medication because that's what they are *primarily used for*).
But she's fat. And frankly, I'm tired of being the sister who has to be nice. I give advice and look up information all the damn time because she's just too tired to do so. She's constantly on her feet at work I know, but she says she's too tired to even count calories every day (how hard is that, really? How hard is it to skip soda and not drink starbucks every day? ). But if I ask for help it's always back to her problems. I just sort of gave up and told her exactly what I was thinking. She is fat, she isn't healthy enough to have a kid, and it's going to take a lot of time to do that.
And when I told her so, she just said "You're saying all these things because you had an abortion. There is no right time to have a kid. I'm always going to be stressed. I'm too old." so on and so on. I deleted the messages, my bad really.
My family is going to take her side. She's shutting me out of her life. I'm moving out of state soon and at that time I will have no one. I have no friends and I will have no family. And it sucks. She's got the friends and people to help and support her, but you tell the truth just once and it's a problem.
So. Yeah. That happened. TIL I should only encourage and compliment my family and never ever complain about my life ever. Life is just grand, isn't it?
agentlame: You don't *have* to only say nice things to family, but you should try to avoid saying hurtful things.
AlwaysTheMun: I don't think stating facts is hurtful. PCOS is worsened by excess weight and she doesn't really try. Every time we've talked she's be downing starbucks or pespsi drinks. The big ones. I make polite suggestions and share recipes with her but she thinks she knows more. Maybe she does but she doesn't use that knowledge because she's tired.
agentlame: > I don't think stating facts is hurtful.
You'd be correct in that thought. But calling someone names *is* hurtful. I'm not trying to admonish you, just saying that, even if you're frustrated with someone you care about, you're not helping them or yourself by resorting to hurting them.
We've all been there, we've all said something hurtful to someone we love. But taking the time to realize what we said was hurtful is how we grow.
AlwaysTheMun: It's not a name, is it? How is stating the obvious, that she has a ton of weight to lose, so bad? When I was fat I would have appreciated the truth. Now I'm just a skinny bitch but I have to accept that for some reason. Apparently bitch isn't as insulting as fat.
agentlame: Yes, calling someone fat is calling them a name. I'm a bit confused here. Do you think this is a fuck up because you fucked up, or do you think it's a fuck up because people are upset with your 'honesty'?
AlwaysTheMun: I was harsh, but I still don't see how saying "you're fat" is calling someone a an insult or bad name. This was a fuck up for even trying to give advise that isn't what she wanted to hear as usual. It's the only way this family works.
agentlame: Ah, so ***you*** didn't fuck up at all? You posted this to point out the failings of a fat person for accepting your calling them fat.
Well then, I can't say I'm shocked that she is cutting you out of her life. Best of luck, though.
AlwaysTheMun: No I fucked up by being rude. I used language I never use around her, I did not cater to her needs. I don't see the point in babying a 29 year old. I was not the kind gentle little sister I normally am because I was tired of it. I broke role. I did not follow the rules. That is a fuck up. Smile, don't argue, and stay the fuck out of everyone's way. Don't bother anyone. I broke the rules. That is a giant fuck up.
TwistedTooth: Calling one fat is not an insult, particularly if not meant as one. If you love someone and want them to change, you will be honest. She sounds very immature, and agent lame sounds like one of the PC brigade, makes a big fuss over nothing.
AlwaysTheMun: I really hope it's just the hormones.
| 11 | 0.454545 | |
1402154401 | 1402195736 | t3_27jw8x | t5_2to41 | 32 | dablive: Tifu by signing up for the wrong test
I fucked up big today, I was supposed to take the world history subject test today through collegeboard testing, little did I know that about a month ago when I signed up I accidentally signed up for the SAT instead of the subject test. Hours of studying and tutoring sessions have gone to waste and now I have to spend the summer studying for the next available time to take the next World History subject test... October. This is the first time I've fucked up pretty big and felt fully responsible for my poor choices.
Noble_toaster: The test site administrator didn't let you take a subject test?
CatalystoftheMind: They have this rule that you can't switch test types for whatever reason. If you signed up for the world history subject test but decided on the day of that you actually wanted to take the biology subject test, that's ok because it's the same type of test. However you can't switch from the general SAT to any sort of subject test because they're different formats.
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1402157369 | 1402170279 | t3_27k016 | t5_2to41 | 64 | -TheRowAway-: TIFU by sending a dick pic to a friend.
So this evening, I had just gotten out of the shower. I was taking a piss while drying up while casually sexting with my girlfriend through Snapchat. She sent me a picture of her boobies, to which I replied ''Hold on there girl, I'm getting a hardon..''. My juvenile and sex-desiring soul decided the best course of action would be to send her a picture of my junk. I expertly placed the camera to the side of my joystick and took a picture, where my manhood could be seen in all it's glory. Euphorically, I clicked ''Send''. Now, you have to know I had been recently chatting with a Polish friend I met on Steam. As such, he was right under my girlfriend among the ''Recently Used'' tab. Of course, my wet and clumsy thumb decided to tap both of them, and too hasty to double-check, I tapped the Send button. It was two seconds later, staring at the two ''message sent'' notifications that had popped up on my screen, that the realization hit me like a sledgehammer. Naked, I ran to my computer while sending my friend an apologetic message. But when I opened Steam and wanted to warn him not to open it via chat, I read his screams of anguish and aknowledged that he had already opened the fatal picture. Here's a screenshot of the chat. http://i.imgur.com/a83U0SA.png?1
The following conversation was awkward to say the least. The poor guy was slightly pissed off and even tried to shame me for my mediocre size. The real kicker however was when he asked if we could be square, and offered, I shit you not, if he could send me a picture of his junk to even the scales. I'm still considering his offer in the meantime. I feel like shit right now(and I'm sure my buddy shares that feeling), but on the other hand I'm laughing my ass off. Quite the experience.
Dog_Bread: I'll send you mine if you like.
-TheRowAway-: Kk, PM me your long john peter
| 3 | 21.333333 | |
1402156165 | 1402199438 | t3_27jygu | t5_2to41 | 186 | macaroni_veteran: TIFU by taking my hamster for a car ride
Alright, so this admittedly didn't happen today. However, today marks the year anniversary of my hamster's two-day harrowing car ordeal, an incident that my family and pretty much everyone in my small town still makes fun of me for to this day.
So my late hamster, Petey, used to travel with me everywhere. I would take him to parks, friends houses, parties, Dunkin Donuts (which got me kicked out), and even places like the library and my highschool at the time. Petey was the tamest hamster I've ever owned, and would placidly sit in my lap and stare into space while I drove.
However, one day, Petey must have had the call of the wild. As I was parking in front of my house, he jumped from my lap onto my left foot. Before I knew what was happening, Petey disappeared.
0.0 hours
Initially, I was flabbergasted. I had no idea where he could have run, and thought for some reason that he had found his way out of the car, and ran around calling his name (I know that hamsters don't really respond to their names, but desperate times call for desperate measures I suppose). I looked everywhere in my car, and still couldn't find him. I checked the center console, the air conditioning-related parts of the car, under the seats, and in the back seat, but still nothing. Finally, I thought to check under the car mats. Lo and behold, there was a gaping hole on the left side of the floor bed on the driver's side next to the door. Poking out of it was my wily hamster, taunting me. I grabbed for him, and he retreated into the hole. He had found his new home, and wasn't going to give it up so easily. I thrust my hand into the hole, but could only manage to glance his fur; the hole led into an empty tube that was under the driver's side door (if anyone has any mechanical knowledge, please correct me. I have no idea what any of these parts are called).
1.0 hours
So, I did the first thing that any panicked hamster mother would do; I called the fire department. They told me that they would only remove wild animals, like squirrels, from cars and subsequently hung up on me. When I called back and told them that I had been mistaken and it was a squirrel, they hung up again. I was on my own.
1.5 hours
Terrified to drive my car to a mechanic for fear of hurting my hamster, I called just about everyone that I knew with any knowledge about cars, and even people who didn't. All of my friends who were free and their parents began parading in, giving me different sorts of advice. All the while, Petey stared at us balefully from his hole.
3.0 hours
My parents returned home from the wedding they had been attending. Cue the comments about how I ought to have known better with my college education and what not. We push the car into the garage so that the hamster doesn't overheat in the hot June sun.
5.0 hours
I feed Petey sunflower seeds and give him water through the hole. He drinks eagerly. He tries to get out a few times, but he seems to be stuck.
7.0 hours
My parents insist on giving Petey a day to find his own way out before we begin dismantling my poor Nissan Sentra. We leave Petey's cage open in the car, filled with his favorite hamster foods, overnight.
17.5 hours
We cut out a foot long section of the rocker panel (the part of the car under the door). Petey, however, does not rush out to greet us. Despite his attempts to get out the previous night, he suddenly seems completely thrilled with the concept of living in the car forever; he is terrified by the sound of the saw, and cowers where we cannot reach him.
18.5 hours
My family and I try various methods to get him to come out. We offer him food, which he is unswayed by. We use blunt objects to bang on the part of the car that he has cowered to to make him run over to the newly made opening, but he refuses.
20.5 hours
After hours of trying to get Petey to come out of the opening of the car, my father finally has a brilliant idea. We get a blow dryer and use it to blow air (on the lowest setting) through the original hole that Petey crawled through, down into the side of the tube that he has situated himself in. If you've ever had a hamster, you know that they absolutely hate being blown on. Begrudgingly, Petey ambles towards the hole and into my outstretched hands. I cry tears of joy, and he seems bored and unaffected.
Picture for reference: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3xq3hHysD1qgzc0ko1_1280.jpg
paxenb: Among all the genital-related TIFUs, this is a breath of fresh air. I'm glad Petey's okay!
macaroni_veteran: Yep, Petey lived for another year after this incident, he just died a few weeks ago :/. Four years is a long time for a hamster, though. I'd like to think that it was my excellent hamster care and our friendship that kept him going, but he was just a hearty motherfucker. This isn't the only incident where he escaped, he decided that he wanted to be a chipmunk once and I had to dig for five hours to get him out of a series of chipmunk tunnels.
If you're reading this, chipmunks, sorry about that.
shinydragonite: The way you introduced this with the fact he is dead made it so suspenseful. I was waiting for the moment when Petey got chopped in half, smashed, or otherwise had the shit killed out of him.
macaroni_veteran: Something [more like this](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1rozng/tifu_by_trusting_a_three_year_old_with_my_hamster/)? Yeah, I don't think I've ever read a hamster-related story on TIFU without a gory ending.
[deleted]: That poor hamster. It must have been so freaked out and alone :(
| 6 | 31 | |
1402158356 | 1402158999 | t3_27k1bq | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to be productive
I recently opened a bank account at a new bank and was told if I did not set up direct deposit then I would be charged a monthly fee. I procrastinated as long as possible, as usual, and today I sat down to set it up. I attempted to log on to my employer's website to enter the new banking information and forgot my password, as usual. I went through the password reset thing and found the area of the site where I am supposed to enter my new bank account information. I entered the information, checked it twice, and hit submit. The page refreshed with all of my old information on it and said "you must enter your password." Ok, no problem. I re-entered the new bank account information and typed in my password.
"Invalid password"
Shit. I tried again.
"Invalid password"
Ok, don't panic, I'll just go reset it again. Upon entering my information in the password reset box I am informed that I can only change my password once a day. I say fuck it, I can remember it, I mean... I *just* changed it. So I try again.
"Password invalid, your account has been locked. Please contact customer service."
I call customer service and am greeted with an automated message letting me know they're closed on the weekends. FML.
So now I'm just sitting here dicking around on reddit waiting for that fee to hit my new checking account. That'll teach me to try to get shit done.
jakethesnake741: Doesn't sound like you fucked up being productive, sounds more like you fucked up being lazy and procrastinating
allekskennith: Well thanks for the correction mr. negative-pants
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1402161492 | 1402184364 | t3_27k5eg | t5_2to41 | 8 | passmeaburr: TIFU by eating some bear mace.
warning: I have never been a great writer and this is my first post so *bear* with me. heh
So for those of you who are unfamiliar with bear mace, it is like pepper spray but for a bear. so it's, you know, fucked. anyway.
Me, at work(i work overnights at a hotel) doing some paperwork in the back at a desk and i had just nuked the shit outta some chicken curry and rice with the microwave and i was letting it cool down from a lava-esqe temperature. i have to do a nightly walk thru of the floors, so i decided that ill go up and do that for 10 min so my food will be ready to eat.
I go thru the floors, and when i come back down to the lobby the two front doors are open and the overnight guys that work the front desk are outside coughing/laughing/crying/cursing and as i walk closer my eyes start to burn. they warn me that one of them had some how managed to pick up a bottle of bear mace that had been left by a guest and spray it on the wall right behind the fucking front desk where anyone in a 15ft radius will be consumed by this shit. there is a big brown stain on the wall and it is a whole big mess but it was their problem to clean and deal with and i decide i would go around to the stairs and let myself into the back because the air was fucking unbreathable by the front desk.
I go around sit down at my desk and still feel the slight sting at the back of my throat and in my sinus but assume that it is left over from taking a big ass whiff in the lobby. i did not stop to think that my food had been marinating in the bear mace atmosphere for several minutes and that it had gotten a chance to settle a bit ontop of my rice and chicken. so, being a dumbass put some sriracha on the rice and went to town. first couple bites i noticed it but thought it was just a combination of the sriracha and my itchy throat.
Nope.
All of a sudden i experience a raging fire traveling down my throat. eyes burning, snot dribbling, spitting out what i could, feeling the burn travel deeper. i realized what was happening and panicked... i grabbed my water bottle(sealed) and downed it and ended up having to spend like 6 dollars at the stupid vending machine to buy untainted food to try to chill out my stomach. surprisingly my stomach handled it pretty good, a slight tingle but thats about it. but for a good 10 min my throat and mouth were fucked. its all good now. i still haven't pooped yet and I'm not sure if i should be worried or not.
EDIT: i suck at this
POST-POOP UPDATE: poop was normal. anticlimactic to say the least but I'm not complaining.
agentlame: Can you edit this to remove the spaces before each paragraph? In markdown ,the set reddit to interpret as code.
passmeaburr: thank you
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1402163916 | 1402167794 | t3_27k8mo | t5_2to41 | 6 | splashy97: TIFU by being patriotic. NSFW
So its not the most extreme thing but here it goes.
Me and my friends had decided to go out this evening to get a few drinks and may be pull. I thought I'd get ready and shave the old public region because it was getting a tad long, but add a little twist ; an England flag. I thought it would funny since the world cup was coming and added a little bit of humour to my genitals.
This is where it went wrong. I started shaving with my electric razor so that it wasn't down to the wood so that it didn't look like I'd done it today. Then it began. The razor started to finally give in and run out of battery. At this point I'd shaved enough in a couple of areas but the rest was still long, making it look like I had alopecia of the pubic bone.
My next thought was to dive in the shower and finish the job manually. I pick up the first razor I see and decide to just cut my losses and go bald. I finished the job and realised I'd left a thick mat of black pubes in my MOTHER'S razor. I tried to pick them all out and cut myself, and also had clogged up the razor.
TL;DR tried to shave my pubes into an England flag, electric razor ran out making it look appalling, had to go manual and have left black mat of pubes that won't shift in my mother's razor.
EDIT: Grammar
sortaplainnonjane: Have any rubbing alcohol? You could rinse her razor off in that.
splashy97: Like hand sanitizer?
InspectorGoole: Surgical spirit is what americans call rubbing alcohol i believe.
splashy97: Well it might not be needed now, my mother has just went in the bath...
InspectorGoole: Ah you've fucked it mate.
| 6 | 1 | |
1402163954 | 1402237529 | t3_27k8oc | t5_2to41 | 204 | [deleted]: TIFU (Two days ago really) I almost lost my penis. [NSFW]
For whatever stupid reason I tried an improvised cockring while masturbating, imagining I'd get a harder erection than usual. Well, it definitely worked, but apparently the ring was *way* too small and I got stuck.
Tried showering in cold water for 20 minutes, tried loosen it with oil, but neither worked. After an hour I gave up and called a health-information hotline and explained my embarrassing situation, asking for advice. Was told that since neither cold showers or oil had worked I simply had to visit an emergency room, as soon as possible. I took a taxi there in the middle of the night and on the way the swelling just continued to the point I almost felt like it was about to *literally* explode.
I got rushed into a room and three doctors and two nurses arrived almost immediately. The removal procedure took almost an hour of trying different methods as they couldn't fit any tools under the ring, which had basically sunken in since I had swollen up so much. Probably the most embarrassing moment in my life!
Luckily they managed to remove it in the end before I got permanent damages, but during the final cut they accidentally cut through some of the outer skin.
Required 6 stitches on the shaft to close the slowly expanding tear. Luckily it wasn't deep enough to cause any noteworthy bleeding or damage, though there were some other minor cuts which had bled a little.
Got some strong painkillers and went home to sleep. It took over 36 hours until the overall swelling had dissipated completely. I've tried my best to avoid erections since then, out of fear of tearing up the stitches (except a "semi" while showering, too see if it "still worked"). A couple of accidental erections have happened and luckily the stitches did hold up, but it felt very unsettling and uncomfortable.
I've avoided to see my gf for a couple of days, for obvious reasons. The "official" story, that I haven't told anyone but her, was that I "got stuck in the zipper". It definitely doesn't look like that's the full story so I *hope* I'll heal up somewhat within a week or two.
willardthewingman: I read that at first as "cooking while masturbating". Nothing gets me going more than watching a pot boil.
TheHangedKing: " You...going to baste that chicken now?"
"Oh yeah... when im done, I think Im going to put a spice rub on it..."
"Oh yeah... oh baste the *shit* out of that chicken..."
because_physics: Creme fraiche hhhehehe
hhhehehe_BOT: http://i.imgur.com/kGARb0e.jpg
because_physics: Thanks /u/JustAPaddy!
JustAPaddy: You're welcome!
because_physics: :D)))))))))))
| 8 | 25.5 | |
1402165856 | 1402201748 | t3_27kb6n | t5_2to41 | 51 | WhiteWilliam: TIFU by giving alcohol to my friends dad who is a recovering alcoholic
My friend has really laid back parents so he had a get together at his house and I just came from a party so I had some alcohol on me. I am not very good friends with the guys whose house we were at so I did not know that his dad is a recovering alcoholic. But when I first got there I sat down and just stared talking to everyone when I see his dad staring at my bottle of jack, I didnt really think anything of it. At one point its just me and his dad around the bon fire while everyone else went inside. So we just started talking about basketball when I see him look at the bottle again so I offered him a swig, he paused for a second and did a quick look around and took a huge gulp. We keep talking for what seems like 10 minutes and he asks for two more shots. Im thinking that this is the coolest thing ever, my friends dad is drinking with me while im underage and its not sketch at all. So when I was leaving my friend remarked on how I finished the bottle and then I told him it wasnt that hard with the help of his dad. He just stared at me and told me his dad hasnt drank in 4 years. I quickly left and I am never going back to that house again.
Vierzwanzig: Those shots taken with you were probably not his first in 4 years. Addiction is a funny thing.
froggylady: You're more right than you know. I have a family FULL of recovering alcoholics and relapse is bi-yearly at best...
| 3 | 17 | |
1402166389 | 1402166559 | t3_27kbwx | t5_2to41 | 3 | pghgaybro: TIFU: Putting on my "Firefly" wristband on not knowing it didn't come off.
holymother: Usually not. You can contact customer service and see if they can do anything for you
pghgaybro: I'm a fool. Haha. They don't open till Monday, so I get to wear it to work for a day.
| 3 | 1 | |
1402164873 | 1402449084 | t3_27k9wa | t5_2to41 | 8 | SS3890: TIFU by setting my motorcycle on fire.
After years of pining, I finally got myself a motorcycle. Nothing impressive by most standards, but it was my dream bike - a used 2006 Ninja 250, black with silver flame detailing. I had never been happier.
I rode that machine everywhere. On this particular day, I was about to embark on a 1.5hr drive to go see my bestie. I was too broke to afford proper saddlebags, so I was using the bag my helmet came in. It had never been a problem before - usually it was so stuffed with laundry it held itself up away from the exhaust. I intended to stay overnight, so I packed much lighter. Some nice shirts, a change of shoes, PJ's, etc. It hung much lower and my hasty strap-job made my gut scream in warning. I had a fleeting vision of the bag sliding down and sitting on my exhaust. "Nah," I said, those infamous words, "It will be fine." I bungeed my chaps to the top of the seat and off I went.
I flew down the interstate. I don't think I went less than 80 the entire way. I passed EVERYONE - some crazy biker goddess who couldn't be bothered to stop for anything. The wind gets wicked loud when I ride, so I couldn't hear a thing. I distinctly remember seeing this shitty blue truck with four large barrels in the back. I passed by it, like all the others, but little did I know the truck would play a key role in the events to come.
It felt like at least 10 minutes had passed since I left the truck in my dust. There was a bit of construction just before the exit I needed. I spied a semi just ahead and said "No fucking way am I getting stuck behind that." I gunned it, and blew by the semi before the lanes merged to one. Wary of a fine, I slowed down to a more rational speed,and that's when I saw it.
Smoke.
"...OH FUCK!!!"
I had been going so fast, I didn't see it. It had been in my blind spot for who knows how long. I shut that thing down, hands and feet clamping down on both breaks and the clutch. I'm still amazed at the coordination I had as I leapt off the bike, threw it against the guard rail, and started to tear off the flaming bag of clothing. As I was stomping out flames on the ground and beating at the mangled plastic of my side panels, that semi STOPPED in the middle of the construction zone and asked if I was okay. I merely hung my head in shame and waved him on. Nothing kills your sense of bad-assery like setting yourself on fire.
All my clothes were lost. My chaps were fine. My side panel was wrecked, my chain guard was messed up pretty bad, and the Hannaford bag I had wrapped my clothing in was fused to my exhaust. I could read every letter amid the black, charred evidence of my embarrassment. In all honesty, I didn't care about my clothes. I cared about the hundreds and hundreds of dollars in cosmetic damage I had just done to the thing I loved the most. I was so mad at myself I almost cried.
That's when that blue truck finally caught up to me. An old guy with a beer belly and Santa-Claus beard refused to be waved on by me and pulled over. "I've been trying to catch you!" he said "But you're too damn fast!" All that time. Holy shit, how long had I been burning? How many people had tried to get my attention - their beeps and honks drowned out by wind and distance? After seeing I was okay, he helped me dispose of the clothes and pull the bike off the rail. The bike started without incident and with a "thank you" I slunk away with my tail between my legs.
I walked into my friends house in full gear, and just stared at her. "...Where have you been?"
"...I was on fire."
She looks at me a minute and just erupts with laughter.
Gave the interstate a show. Fucked up my bike. Kids, never ever ignore your gut. Bad shit happens.
Fun fact: My boyfriend calls me "Ghost Rider".
EDIT: Removed unnecessary cursing. Added a sentence.
Hugsnkissums: Had an incident recently that reminds me of your misfortune. I had just finished grocery shopping and packed the goods in the back. I didn't do much shopping since I knew I was going to be moving in the near future so I had significantly less groceries then I was used to.
Drove home and parked in front. Popped open my rear camper door and dropped the tail gate. Since I had fewer groceries, I was able to man up and take them all in one trip (usually I have too many to do that). With both arms full of grocery bags I stumble back and kick the tailgate closed. Feeling just a little bad ass, I one trip it inside my place.
I take my time unloading the groceries. My wife and I talk about our collective days and what went on. Nothing unusual. I realize I still needed to park my truck in the garage. I go outside and start it up. The music blares at me because well, I have a weakness for driving with my music very loud. I drove around the house to the garage. I start backing up. Suddenly, BOOM! I hear something hit the top of the truck and see little black flecks of things go flying into the garage and around the truck. I pull out to see just what the hell happened. Get out and see black glass....everywhere. In the garage, on top of my truck, hell even past where I pulled out. Takes me a minute to figure it out.
I forgot to close my formed glass camper rear door. It was tinted black and polarized. It now covered every corner of my garage and driveway as little tiny glass chunks. So angry with myself. Didn't even click that I didn't have a hard time seeing the back of the garage since the door was open.
Took me a good couple of hours to clean it up, all the while knowing I just sabotaged our move in the next month or so since we were planning on using the bed of the truck to store our stuff. Now there was no way to lock the back up. After a couple days of self degradation I talked to a company that was a camper top dealer. They could get me a replacement door to the tune of $444 or so.
Only had the camper about a month or so before this happened. Such a senseless mistake. Still beat myself up about it. I should have known something was wrong, but I ignored it and well...it cost me.
SS3890: Haha, man. That blows. Look at us, ignoring any logic we may have.
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