start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1402168679 | 1402305345 | t3_27kf1y | t5_2to41 | 16 | whydidifu: TIFU by getting baked as fuck and reminding my girlfriend of her dead dad
So, this is the throwaway.
Anyways, my girlfriend and me have been going long distance for 2 years now(since we go to different colleges) and its been great all along. Now, I decided to smoke a joint with a friend since its been a while.
Now I'm baked as fuck listening to Sigur Ros and watching Soldiers coming home surprise videos(check out the link at the bottom, the bits with the dogs from 1:45 always tears me up :') ). So I send her the video ten minutes back because she loves dogs. Now I realize her dad was in the army and died of a heart attack when she was young.
I've never felt this dick-like ever. I just fucked myself in the most painful way possible.
The Link to the Video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNkqX4khwBk&list=PLc98bHv6h08TTDLOA7jaFOrzsZolTfDCa&src_vid=aTrHjrf_-N0&feature=iv&annotation_id=annotation_188219565
Kim_Jong_Will2: Did she get mad at you in anyway, because it sounds like what you did was completely harmless. You sent her a video of a happy reunion, and you thought she would enjoy it. I see no problem here.
Techhead7890: Yeah, I wouldn't automatically assume she'll notice and then also assume she'll get mad... I mean, have you already had any experience of her getting mad when you brought her dad up?
whydidifu: Not really, I usually don't ever bring up that topic.
| 4 | 4 | |
1402170632 | 1402199346 | t3_27khpf | t5_2to41 | 236 | MrBananaHump: TIFU by splashing bleach up my asshole (NSFW)
So this morning, I head to the bathroom to take my morning leak and shower. After taking a piss, I realize that the toilet for some reason smells kinda bad. No problem, as I have that Clorox bleach toilet bowl cleaner. It's basically that bottle with the weird opening that allows you to to squirt all around the inside of the bowl. Anyways, as I'm squirting this bleach into the toilet, I tried to do it so quickly that I accidentally pop the cap off the Clorox bottle and I leave an ungodly amount of bleach in there. Whatever, it's gonna get flushed when I piss later. So I turn around to turn the shower when I realize I have to take a shit now. Having completely forgotten about the ungodly amount of bleach in the toilet, I drop my pants and begin to defecate. And that's the moment when I happened to drop that special kind of turd that isnt long enough to just slide into the water, but it's still big enough to create a large splash. I'm sure everyone has had pooped one of these turds before, where it splashes toilet water back at your ass. However in my case, it didn't splash back water, it splashed back bleach. Immediately I felt the wetness, and after about a minute, my asshole felt like it was ON FUCKING FIRE. so I rush into the shower and try to wash it out. But it's too late, my asshole has thoroughly been scorched. So now I'm sitting on a makeshift donut made of towels.
TL;DR Don't fuck around with bleach.
HopelessSemantic: When I was a kid, like, 7 or 8, I was terrified of being splashed with toilet water, so I tried to poop and move forward so I couldn't be flashed. Well, once I moved a little too soon, and my poop ended up landing on the floor in front of the toilet. I cried, and my mom had to clean it up.
johnnywacko: This is fucked. I hope you thanked your mom.
HopelessSemantic: I probably did, but I can't guarantee it. I was a fucked up kid, but I was generally polite. I'm sure I apologized, at the very least.
johnnywacko: If your mom is still alive you should call her up and say sorry just to be sure.
HopelessSemantic: She is, but I think it'd be weird if I called her and said "Hey Mom, I'm sorry about that time when I was a kid and I pooped on the floor." Plus, I may then feel compelled to apologize for every shitty (heh) thing I did as a kid and especially as a teenager, and I just don't have that kind of time.
To be fair, my kid has pooped on the floor and I've had to clean it off not only the floor, but him as well, so maybe that was karma getting me back.
johnnywacko: Oh. Hmmmm. I guess that evens it out.
HopelessSemantic: Yeah...no one ever said motherhood would be glamourous.
| 8 | 29.5 | |
1402172062 | 1402208425 | t3_27kjl0 | t5_2to41 | 64 | Animebeats: TIFU by headbutting a girl
So this happened a while back, I was at school, early in the morning just hanging out with friends. I soon see my friend pass by me, and decide to scare her by jumping behind her. So she's turning a corner, and I run behind her like I'm Solid Snake about to remember the basics of my CQC training and I leap for her.
However, as she's turning the corner, a girl is rushing to class and makes a sharp turn. It is too late. I full on headbutt her, she drops, everyone saw, I freeze up and begin to apologize. Turns out she was carrying a bag of cupcakes she had spent the whole night making for her class, and as a result of my headbutt, she dropped them and they were all over the hallway. I try to help her up and get her what's left of the cupcakes in her bag, I apologize again, before the bell rings and she just runs off.
This was all in front of students waiting outside my first period classroom, where I then had to spend the whole period just hanging my head down in shame, knowing that I fucked up that poor girl's day, and her classmates didn't get to taste those cupcakes.
fuckmeintheeye: i elbow dropped my fwb once
AlexatRF21: Go on.
[deleted]: It's not a novel, how can he go on after just saying he rock bottomed his friend who he happens to pork.
AlexatRF21: There's a whole story to it, that's why.
From your comment, it sounds like you would be a terrible writer. I can imagine reading one of your stories right now.
"The young Adolf Hitler had his application rejected from art school. One thing lead to another and the United States dropped two atomic bombs on the nation of Japan."
So, let's here the story.
[deleted]: That was a comedy bit from some show, I wouldn't do that, thats plagiarism.
AlexatRF21: Plagiarism requires me to take credit for the story above. Nowhere did I take credit for it. But I'm pretty sure Brian Regan would understand my use of his bit.
| 7 | 9.142857 | |
1402177218 | 1402235394 | t3_27kqk5 | t5_2to41 | 5,071 | PooPooSmuggler: TIFU by tipping the pizza guy
It's hot as hell here today, so I didn't feel like cooking, and decided to order a pizza. Local place down the street offers free delivery and gets the pie over in like 30 minutes, so I call them up and order. I hear the doorbell and grab the money from my wallet, not realizing it was only enough for the pizza and not enough for a tip. (The guys who deliver for this place use their own car, it's the least you can do.) I told him to hang on a sec while I go back in for a tip. Now usually when the pizza guys leave their car unlocked and running, they're only away from them for like 30 seconds at the most, but he was waiting for me to come back. While I'm looking through my wallet, I hear the guy scream, "WHAT THE FUCK?!" and an engine take off down the street. I look out the door and see him standing in the street, and he says, "Some kids just stole my car!"
The only reason the kids had enough time to steal the car is because I made the pizza guy wait, so I feel kinda shitty about that. I invited him in after he called the cops, though, and we ate some pizza while we waited for them to come by and take a statement. Nice dude, and totally not upset with me about it, but I still feel like it was at least partially my fault.
Edit: Wow! This got more attention than I expected. Thanks everyone! I get it that it's not literally my fault, but I still played a part in the situation. I just did what I could do to try to make the guy feel better. As a followup for those interested, I live in a quiet suburban town in New England, and this is totally not a common occurrence. Freak accident! I'm thinking of going down to the pizza place this week to check in and see if the police had any luck finding the dude's car.
larker17: ...where the fuck do you live that people steal a car in 30 seconds?
PrincessOssa: Probably Philly.
JemLover: Detroit.
Who am I kidding, there are no businesses there anymore.
NotTheDetroitPolice: Doubt it was Detroit.
Sparkstalker: No one got shot. Definitely not Detroit.
Jamie_123: Cant even get a market cart down the street without getting its little wheels taken off these days..
1000comments: I went rollerblading once in Detroit, by the time I went half a mile, I only had enough wheels for roller skates. Once I was a mile down away, I only had enough for a bicycle.
BobVosh: You do know that rollerblades and roller skates have the same amount of wheels right? Just arranged differently.
Well, some blades have one more wheel, but the majority have 4.
DeenSteen: You must be [fun](http://i.imgur.com/IINaUQX.jpg) at parties.
BobVosh: Why, thank you my good sir.
firefarmer74: I would invite you to my parties. I'd much rather spend time with someone who is rational and pays attention to the world than some ignorant fool who likes to put people down for being correct.
| 12 | 422.583333 | |
1402177084 | 1402229461 | t3_27kqdz | t5_2to41 | 218 | objectivetruth0: TIFU by sleeping with my mouth open.
A few days ago my wife and I were about to go to sleep, when all of a sudden, the biggest cockroach/palmetto bug ever starts creeping along the wall. I tried to smash it, but nope it gets away. The next day I come down with a pretty bad case of flu. It basically incapacitates me. Dark yellow snot clogging every orifice made it impossible to breatnhe through my nose. So last night I'm sleeping super hard, mouth wide open, when I come too with a little stinging sensation on the inside of.my upper lip, and a strange tickle all over my tounge. The freaking roach had crawled inside my mouth and proceeded to nibble at the inside of my upper lip! After a few feverish seconds I finally figured it out and started trying to spit this nightmare out, but the thing had latched on to my tongue. I had to reach into my mouth and pry it off my tongue... but wait, it gets worse. I flung this thing against the far wall in a panic. It hits the wall, lands, and crawls right baxk under the bed. It's still. under. the. bed. It's gonna finish me off tonight, I know it.
tishstars: RIP OP.
AppleSponge: rip in peace
DomCaboose: in peace
orosen8: Pepperoni
FearDubh: RIPIP Op.
| 6 | 36.333333 | |
1402177983 | 1402218773 | t3_27krj2 | t5_2to41 | 78 | Zeus1325: TIFU by putting my school on lockdown
This dodn't happen today but, a few months ago. It was cold so I wore a hoode to school. It's grey with bunch of skullcandy logos on it. Our school makes us wear ID's. But I forgot mine that day, so I walk in and as it was cold my hood was up. I had to walk across the entire school with no ID and I didn't bother to put my hood down. I got to my locker and get my spare ID from my locker. I go to my first class as normal. 5 minutes later they tell us to stay in class and for teachers to check their email. 30 minutes later they tell us everything is fine and that somebody had reported a person that they thought didn't belong so administration went through a bunch of security footage. Later that day one of my teachers told me they were looking for a white male wearing a grey sweatshirt with little skulls and no ID. And yes, I am a white male.
Swarlsonegger: Are you sure you go to a school and not a prison?
ID's, security footage, lockdowns... wtf?
Zeus1325: The security footage is just a normal security cams for thefts. The lockdown are pretty standard for any school of there is something bad going on, but our dean is a hard-ads which is the reason for ID's and lockdown that time.
lifeintechnicoulor: Bloody hell, you must be in a rough neighbourhood, the only reason that my school would even consider ID's is if people started stealing things.
El_Dicko: but how would having an id help prove a theft? The id is basically for this exact scenario...have you ever noticed how many doors there are into schools? Essentially, it's like if the mall had class rooms but only certain people are supposed to be at that mall. Anyone can walk in through the doors though if they so pleased.
lifeintechnicoulor: The ID's would unlock the doors. Seen schools where this is done, and it works fine there.
| 6 | 13 | |
1402182252 | 1402185368 | t3_27kwxn | t5_2to41 | 13 | Cedarfuckup: TIFU by cheating on my boyfriend
Warning:First time poster and posting from an iPod.
Today I fucked up. I mean I fucked up big time. I have never been happier then with my boyfriend of three years and yet I still cheated. Not to mention I got caught before I could bring myself to end it. Today after taking a shower at my boyfriend's, he looked through my phone to see the many flirty texts sent back and forth between my lover and I. I fucked up again by trying I play it off as nothing, but eventually it all came out. Although no sex was had, it was still the worst possible thing to do. My boyfriend is hurt beyond measure and I now have nothing. Please anyone out there that is even thinking of cheating, don't. No matter if you are in a rough patch or think nothing will come of it. Don't. It was the biggest mistake of my life and I regret it more then anything.
justin346: I don't think the poster was looking for compassion, but I also don't think she deserves to be called a cunt and a whore. None of us know all of the circumstances. It's too soon to judge. Give her a break...
Techhead7890: This. While cheating is bad it doesn't give you the right to degrade someone.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1402183635 | 1402189278 | t3_27kxwf | t5_2to41 | 6 | notawindowsguy: If you read again I did make backups.. they just had some corrupted files apparently (or maybe NTBackup sucks).
If I had never restored that backup I might still have something. At least I'd have a network connection to copy the share drive and stuff.
It's going to be a long weekend. :)
Sathorod: For future reference, any time you have to backup a drive, get into a unix system and use dd and write it to an image file. Personally, if you had just installed everything on the data drive and not the main one, I would have just written over the main drive with /dev/zero then written the contents of the data drive to the main drive. I don't see why that would create any issues, but I'm not a sysadmin so I could be wrong. Just something to keep in mind for the future.
notawindowsguy: I thought about using dd for backup. I think in the future I'll go that route.
I wasn't sure if I could copy everything from data to main because the drive letters were also messed up. What would have told the computer to boot off the right drive?
Sathorod: If you're using dd, you can do (where /dev/ad0 is your main drive and /dev/ad1 is your data drive):
# This copies the MBR of the data drive which you've installed your OS on, including MS-DOS partition tables to an image file for backup, you should also backup the entire drive to a separate image file. Keep both of these on an external drive and remove it before performing other operations.
dd if=/dev/ad1 of=MBR.img bs=512 count=1
# This writes over the main drive with 0's
dd if=/dev/zero of=/dev/ad0 bs=4k
# Copy the contents of data drive ad1 to main drive ad0
dd if=/dev/ad1 of=/dev/ad0 bs=1M
Then just make sure bios is booting to the main drive. The computer doesn't care about drive letters, just windows. As long as the data drive performs correctly, moving everything over to the main drive shouldn't affect anything.
notawindowsguy: Now I just need a time machine. :)
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1402184491 | 1402242630 | t3_27kzpp | t5_2to41 | 18 | ThatVideoGameGuy: TIFU By Going to the Grocery Store High :(
I don't normally go shopping high… After I got nice and high this afternoon I noticed I was out of toilet paper. I walk into the neighborhood Krogers ( a popular grocery store here in Ohio ) and all I can think about is FOOD. I keep mentally telling myself I'm high and I should NOT be shopping. I stroll over to the fruits & vegetables department to buy a smoothie to cure my dry throat. When I arrive I see a small sign " Odwalla Smothies , Buy 1 Get One Free " Odwalla is my favorite on the go drink. These smoothies are always at least $2.69 I stood there starring at them in excitement for about a minute. I finally start to load my shopping cart, the deal was about to expire so I convinced myself to stock up. I bought 48. I get home, happily unloaded all my new drinks into the refrigerator, when it hits me. I forgot the toilet paper! I also notice the expiration date on one is June 9th. FUCK… Every single one of these expires on or before June 14th. The grocery store has no return or exchange policy. I have 7 days to drink now 47 smoothies. TIFU
EDIT- I found a great use for the drinks. Yesterday this college girl was having a pool party , there was an overwhelming amount of beautiful girls from my complex by the pool , I handed out the drinks for free & made some cute new friends ;-)
AnotherCatLover: That's not a fuck up.
1) tell friends you're having a "Tropical Drink Party."
2) they need to bring ice, vodka, rum and blenders, you got the fruit juice covered.
3) enjoy
ThatVideoGameGuy: I actually tried one with vodka. Absolutely HORRIBLE cocktail. I poured it down the drain , however I did find a great use for the smoothies :)
| 3 | 6 | |
1402185251 | 1402261288 | t3_27l0nr | t5_2to41 | 25 | whackyfrisbee: TIFU by locking myself out of my work truck
This actually happened today and I made an account because fuck it.
I work for a shipping/delivery/whatever company. I'm new at my job and I've managed to make probably every possible mistake. Either everyone is really nice or I have some kind of aura that makes people feel bad for me because I haven't got into trouble. Yet.
I'm eager to prove I don't suck and I can make it a few weeks without a disaster. The day starts off fine. I deliver all my packages in a nice area near the ocean and it's great. I'm gonna get done early, go home and do laundry. I finish everything and start driving back to the station.
Some of our trucks don't have keys, they have bracelets with some fucking wizardry in them that unlocks the doors and starts the truck. All you do is wave it in front of a sorcery receptacle and it happens. It's also getting hot here and this bracelet is starting to smell like an old, dirty bandaid with people sweating on it all the time. So I take it off, thinking 'I'm not gonna get out til I'm back at the station, who cares?'
The truck I'm driving is normally used by this cool old dude I work with and like 5 minutes after taking the shitty bracelet off I notice the fuel is getting low. Not wanting to leave his truck with no gas for monday, I decide to fuel up.
I get out at the gas station. Start putting gas in. Texting my girlfriend about how nice the ocean is because I'm lame. I go to get back in the truck. I slam my noodly wrist into the side of the truck where the sensor is and I don't hear the 'click' of magical door unlocking. I look at my wrist. Then I look into the truck's window. The bracelet is in the cupholder. Fuck.
This makes the third time in three months I've locked myself out of my work vehicle. The other times were somewhat understandable. They had actual keys. Taking the bracelet off because it smells like a sock when the entire point of it being a bracelet is to prevent this shit is not so forgivable. To make matters worse, the windows are all shut and locked. And luckily these aren't normal trucks with normal doors. The doors slide to open. They only unlock, without the enchanted bracelet, from inside.
I plead with the doors or god to have mercy on my shitty life. Obviously the doors don't speak English so they don't open. I think really hard about jumping into traffic because that sounds more fun than telling my boss I did this a third time, but I call her anyway. She doesn't even work today. Now she's just pissed. Fuck.
I call the only boss-like figure working today and he tries to help. He tells me to find a screwdriver and see if I can pry the door/windows/something out of place and get in. I buy a screwdriver from the gas station and no, I can't break into it. I call him back with the bad news and try not to sound too suicidal. He says there are no extra 'keys' for my truck and they'll get a tow truck on the way and see what they can do.
I get a coffee and cigarettes from the gas station, even though I quit 2 years ago. Then I wait two hours in the sun, regretting how I spurned that smelly, disgusting bracelet. I chain smoke while families on vacation come and go and watch the menthol elemental pace back and forth like a caged animal that isn't caged so this is a terrible analogy.
Tow truck finally arrives. He explains there was an accident so he was late. And here I am with my shitty problem. He walks around the truck ten times, stabbing its weak points with a screwdriver. Nothing works. He calls another tow truck in with stuff to break into a locked truck, which I guess is towtruck-speak for 'bigger screwdriver'. They can't figure it out. I call my not-boss again. He asks if I have outbound freight. I do. I have to break in any way possible, he says.
Fortunately, the tow truck drivers almost pry the glass out of the window just as the entire pane shatters. 'At least you can get back in now' is agreed by all. They sweep up the broken glass outside and leave the rest in my truck. So on top of being on the clock for 2 extra hours because I fucked up, the company will also pay two dudes to break my window which also will need to be replaced. I drive back to the station pretending the wind in my hair isn't a swirling maelstrom of glass shards and immense guilt.
Back at the station, there are no real bosses around but I am assured I'll hear about it Monday. Probably in real trouble this time. I leave work and feel like crying but it's hot outside and my whole body is crying so I decide against it.
tl;dr stay in school and don't become a truck driver ffs
HurricaneAlpha: Off topic, but is your username a reference to Kids Like Us?
And it sounds like you were delivering in florida...
Either way, don't feel bad. We've all fucked up at work. There was a thread on askreddit a while ago about the most expensive mistakes they have made at work. Write a few were six figure mistakes lol. I would say yours is probably a three figure mistakes.
whackyfrisbee: Wow, yeah it is. What are the odds? But nah, this was in MA. I hate the sun.
You're right, it could've been a lot worse. I'll probably just get lectured like "you should've worn the bracelet!" and I'll try not to say "oh is that what you do with a bracelet".
HurricaneAlpha: Yeah just say it was chafing you or something.
KLU is tight, one of my favorite FL bands, along with Know the Score.
whackyfrisbee: Same here, I love Know the Score. I used to be more in tune with what was going on in hardcore but that was like, in the days of myspace and shit. And the hardcore subreddit seems like a huge pile of shit mostly so I usually just listen to older stuff.
| 5 | 5 | |
1402184870 | 1402264286 | t3_27l05s | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by using rustoleum touch up paint on my car's paint chips
Instead of trying a test spot, I decided that I trusted the product and my handiness so I touched up every little rock chip on my car. It is drying right now and I am on edge. I think I just severally diminished the value of my car by being bored. googling some tips right now...
youngcountry: did thatt once. set it on fire
[deleted]: The car or the paint? Lol
youngcountry: the wholee fukin thing. thats how we fix x shit in okellahoma!!!!
BUGTUSSLES
IamKingSandDuck: What part oklurhomur
youngcountry: bugtusssle bitch
IamKingSandDuck: L-Town,bitch
youngcountry: U wanna drink some old crow and playyy grab ass
IamKingSandDuck: Fo'sho! Mane yo best be pack'n down here all you hear is pop pop and whips Flyin down the road
youngcountry: Way it addresses
| 10 | 0.6 | |
1402186878 | 1402342270 | t3_27l2nu | t5_2to41 | 21 | Verbrennen: TIFU By getting naked in public (kinda NSFW)
So I'm finishing up my senior year of high school, and yesterday some of us chose to skip. A couple of my friends and I decided to go for a random road trip cause why not? So the 5 of us (3 female and I'm male) jump into my car and we head east toward Vermont. We drive in a ways and stop at this little swimming hole we know of for a little break before carrying on. We all get out and I realize I'm the only one without a swim suit. Fuck it, we're in Vermont and everyone here's seen me naked at least once, I'll just go naked. So as I'm stripping down they all walk into the woods towards the stream. Two cars pull up and park next to me. It's a bunch of stoned out 40-50 year olds. Fuck. They see me naked and the one old guy says, "Hey someone knows how to party" they all laugh, I kinda awkwardly chuckle, but I know my face is beet red and they walk off into the woods. I lock my car and follow from a pretty good distance. As I walk up to my friends, my guy friend, whose one of my best friends, laughs and yells something like "dude why the fuck are you naked" we talk for a bit then get in the water. We're all messing around for a bit when the group of older people start making their way down the stream towards us, but they were all naked too. Turns out they were all naturists/nudists or whatever and saw we were enjoying ourselves and wanted in. Needless to say we were weirded out by this and left almost immediately saying we needed to get on the road. I've never seen more naked wrinkly men in my life.
spamyak: I was expecting much worse.
Verbrennen: Yeah it could have been a lot worse, but have you ever had 6 high as fuck , naked, older men approach you?
CatMetro: I've had 36 drunk, high as fuck, naked, older men approach me at midnight...
[SARCASM] <-- For Sheldon
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1402187394 | 1402193237 | t3_27l3ar | t5_2to41 | 16 | WishMandingoWasAPet: TIFU by using the word 'Restitution'???
Today was my 11th straight day of work. 2 days ago I sent an email to my assistant manager saying I was making plans for my day off, what would be day #12, and would be unavailable to cover if someone was out. I have only worked this day day of the week 1 other time this year and at this point my manager had not created a schedule starting on day 12.
The very next day (day 10) the schedule came out with me working on day 12. The response was that I take too much time off (9 of my shifts in 8 months, I was best man for my brother). Also, since people were sick A WEEK AGO and are back to work, I could not take this future day off. Huh??? I'm not asking for a day off. If there was no schedule posted and I was not asked to work a day that I never work, it was already my day off. And I know people were sick. I covered their shifts without protest, which is why I was there 11 days in a row.
My reply was that it was unreasonable for me to not be able to ask for time off, not be able to make plans for my days off, and not receive on call pay for this. I even provided logical alternatives to work that shift at no extra cost. At the end I mention that I have already put money into this day off. So my final scentence is, "If there is truly NO other option then I will cancel my plans and work Sunday. I would require restitution and I would want to talk [Big Boss] first."
Next day (day 11) Big Boss comes in ready to murder me. He says, "If you ever say a word like 'RESTITUTION' to me again I will fire you!!" By his telling, he had never been disrespected so much. I literally had three people look over my email to make sure I was not too heated in the moment and being disrespectful. Later after a talk with the assistant manager, he comes and admits that it was wrong(no 'sorry') to schedule me on my day off with no notice. But I am still a disrespectful little brat for using words like 'restitution'. Oh and I "add no value to the company". Even our most difficult tenant has gone out of their way to tell [Big Boss] otherwise.
Maybe my last comment was not the picture of utmost respect, but am I really the disrespectful brat who deserves to be fired?
twcsata: What's so bad about that word? O.o
Phlegmaticster: He's basically requesting compensation $$$ for his possibly canceled plans. I thinks
twcsata: Yeah, I get what OP meant by it. Not sure why it was so offensive to the boss. Not wanting to pay it, that's understandable (if unreasonable), but treating it like it's a personal offense? Weird.
drdeadringer: Perhaps the boss interpreted the word as having a legal leaning and lost his shit at such a "third rail" word being written down in a formal communication.
Not that using it was necessarily wrong, of course.
| 5 | 3.2 | |
1402183976 | 1402228551 | t3_27kz3g | t5_2to41 | 39 | Zzoop: TIFU by sending step mom a text
Today I was just talking to friends over raid call about to start playing Guild Wars 2 when I got a text. I looked and it was just the phone number and just recently, I was texting a old friend of mine and I also didn't save his number. I thought the first text I got was from him because I was just talking to him. The text said "Hey are you out of school yet?". I replied "Yeah but I can't see my girlfriend anymore it sucks". The person then replies saying "Oh". Then I make a joke "I have chronic masturbation now because I can't see her, it's terrible". then I get another text from the person saying "If you don't want to talk then just say so". I thought that was weird of my friend to say because he would know it was a joke and would just laugh or make another joke. I explain how I was "Just fucking with you bro haha, what's up???". I then look at the number and notice it's from MY area code.... My friend that I was texting yesterday was from a complete different area code. I flip out because I now know who I'm texting... I'm texting my STEP MOM that just moved out. I instantly go on about how I was just kidding and I thought she was a friend of mine I saved her number as. Now she knows I'm sexually active with my girlfriend and I'm pretty sure I ruined her perfect image of me being a innocent 17 year old.
TL;DR texted step mom about chronic masturbation thinking it was friend. Now I know to save all my numbers and not shoot off shitty jokes.
DomCaboose: Unless your mom is an idiot or COMPLETELY blinded by religion, she may not have wanted to know, but I am sure she knew. Moms don't want to hear it, but they know it when it happens. They aren't stupid.
Zzoop: I think she knew haha I really was just joking though~~
DomCaboose: Of course she knew. Most people know when someone is having sex. It's no big deal.
| 4 | 9.75 | |
1402190519 | 1402191819 | t3_27l6z6 | t5_2to41 | 1 | youngcountry: TIFU by not brakin!
69IDontCare96: This is on the brink of not being able to read.
youngcountry: ur on the brinkk of bein a fukin upppity liberal
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1402192048 | 1402252932 | t3_27l8ry | t5_2to41 | 70 | YouNeedOchinchin: TIFU by missing my girlfriends graduation
as you can see by the title of this, i fucked up big time. There's really not much detail about this, but i decided it would be a good idea to stay up all night and until 5am and get ready for her highschool graduation because i was afraid of oversleeping. however, i decided to take a short nap at 4:30 which turned into a slumber. woke up at 12 noon and thats when i realized my life was over. She's been pissed at me all day and i deserve it and possibly might end it with me.
http://i.imgur.com/AdiBPrO.jpg
edit: would her breaking up with me justify anything?
wizzymcwizzard: High school?
Lol who cares move on
YouNeedOchinchin: thats what i thought when she didnt come to mine, didnt care at all but it was her day and i fucked up
DomCaboose: That should be your point to her. Yes, you missed hers, but she also missed yours. It is something that happens sometimes. I would say explain what you explained to us.
Cameronc127: In my personal experience, fighting fire with fire with a girlfriend just makes the flame bigger. While logically this makes good sense, in the heat of the moment this may not be the best point to make.
Wiffernubbin: Then she's not a good girlfriend and op needn't worry.
| 6 | 11.666667 | |
1402194279 | 1402313530 | t3_27lbg4 | t5_2to41 | 566 | EasyDayWasYesterday: TIFU- How do i tell her?
So, since my snake has grown(corn snake, aztec zig zag pattern) I am feeding him once every other week now. Today came feeding time. His name is Bob. I take Bob out of his home cage and put him in his feeding cage. I grab a plastic cup from the cabinet, fill it with warm water and insert a frozen hopper mouse into it. I wait about a half an hour, take the mouse out and insert it into Bob's feeding cage. Bob smashed that thing like he hasn't eaten in months. I actually upgraded this week from a frozen pinkie to a hopper mouse. He takes it like its nothing. I'm watching him the whole time swallowing this thing like an interracial porno. It was unbelievable. That drastic of a change in less than a week. INCREDIBLE!! So, to get to the truly regretful part, I look over and see my wife. She is powering through, drinking the same cup of water that I thawed my mouse in. She drank that mouse infested cup of water within 10 seconds. I looked at her like she was infected by smallpox and was amplifying it by a thousand. After she finished the cup of thawed mouse water she said "holy fuck, its hot outside, im going to put sunblock on our son" What the fuck do I say??????
turtlesarerad14: "Sorry, but you just drank Bob's mouse water. Please be careful next time."
EasyDayWasYesterday: Twist, my wife is a 3rd degree black belt. I tell her that, next thing you know I'm left with a broken jaw and scrotum kicked into my liver. Now what?
EasyDayWasYesterday: Wife truly is a 3rd degree black belt. I am honestly scared to say anything.
ErmagerdSpace: Are you really? Because it's not normal to be afraid that your spouse will actually beat you.
Xaguta: Then again. I don't expect a "normal" reaction from somebody who was just told they drank mouse juice.
ErmagerdSpace: I wouldn't expect my S.O. to assault me over it, either,and if OP honestly does there is a problem. Domestic abuse is some serious shit that is not diminished just because it's a woman doing the abuse.
Xaguta: I'm just tired that whenever someone on Reddit says something that may not be exaggerated someone is going to pop up to defend the male redditor from the crazy evil woman. If their relationship is in jeopardy him being scared of how she'll react to having drank mouse juice isn't going to be the red flag that should tell him to end it.
ErmagerdSpace: Dude, it has nothing to do with gender. If OP was a woman scared of being beaten by her husband my advice would be the same.
If OP was a gay man scared of being beaten by his boyfriend my advice would be the same.
If you live in constant fear of your SO beating you then you're in an abusive relationship. Period. If OPs wife actually beats him when he makes a mistake like this then she is actually crazy and evil.
Xaguta: But because of the currently existing gender differences it's extremely unlikely a woman will joke about being beaten by her husband without any malevolence.
All I'm saying is that it's a 99.99% chance it's just a simple joke. If you really want to reach out to make sure it isn't just do so in a PM.
| 10 | 56.6 | |
1402177352 | 1402256691 | t3_27kqq6 | t5_2to41 | 4 | DavesNotThere: TIFU by Making a Nun Punch a Kid
3 of us were sitting on the floor playing a board game. I lean up on one butt cheek and Dukes of Hazard out a huge fart. Being young, a miscalculation in fart physics meant it loudly echoed off the hard floor and the entire class heard it.
Immediate panic, immediate solution needed. Over the laughter I hear "Mike cut the cheese! Mike cut the cheese!" then realize *I'm* saying it. The other kid sitting on the floor helps me, now we're both pointing and blaming Mike as the cheese cutter.
Mike completely looses his shit, crying and yelling "I DID NOT CUT THE CHEESE!" over and over. We laughed so hard as he turned bright red. The nun ninja-springs into action and tries to get him out of the room. He blindly swings and hits her leg in his fart induced hysteria.
Now the fart, laughing and blame payoff big. She nun punches him right in the head with a hammer fist. Then she drags him out of the room by the hair over raucous laughter with Mike still screeching about the cheese.
**TL;DR** I Fart, blame another kid and nun punching hilarity ensues.
LLamanaro: Dude, you're an asshole.
DavesNotThere: Mike?
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1402194389 | 1402203385 | t3_27lbk2 | t5_2to41 | 37 | PoisonIvy-On-My-Dick: Today I (sorta) Fucked Up - Throwaway.
I was working in my yard gardening and building a shed. After a days worth of work I headed inside to eat and one thing lead to another and decided to give it a tug. I'm in my room wackin' it and finish and then decide to take a nap. I wake up a few hours later and head into the kitchen to get a snack when my penis itched, so I scratch it and make my meal. While I'm eating it itches again and I scratch it. A few minutes later it itches again. I have poison ivy on my dick. Fuck.
**EDIT:**So, because the itch is very satisfying to scratch, I decided to try and masturbate and oh.my.god. *sooooo* nice. I think I actually prefer it this way...
froggylady: My poor husband had a similar experience. He volunteered after Katrina to go cut trees off houses etc. Went to pee after clearing limbs, brush, trash. Came home that evening (to Texas). We were in the emergency room by 6:00 am.
PoisonIvy-On-My-Dick: I'm happy I have a resistance to it because it feels like that itch that once you scratch it's soooooo satisfying. Hmmmm....
froggylady: Both me and my husband both have always joked we could wipe our butts with the stuff, but he got out of his home range and got in a world of hurt. Don't be too cocky!!
PoisonIvy-On-My-Dick: My penis has always been cocky. What a dick.
SmellsWeirdRightNow: Aren't you punny.
PoisonIvy-On-My-Dick: After those I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I'm not even a dad...
SmellsWeirdRightNow: Don't be ashamed, those were great!
| 8 | 4.625 | |
1402195707 | 1402325088 | t3_27ld3d | t5_2to41 | 10 | MangoOfDoom: TIFU by possibly falling for a door to door scammer
First of all, currently on mobile so I apologize for spelling or formatting errors.
Allow me to say that I am indeed a dumbass and I haven't stopped worrying about this since it happened. I made a very stupid decision and I wish I could have been smarter and less timid.
So, today I was moving into a new place and doing some cleaning with my girlfriend. I'm vigorously scrubbing the bathtubs when I hear a knock on the door. Girlfriend answers it and an older man stands at the doorway and asks for a Francis or somebody. We mention that we don't know such a person and he hands us a flier for the local internet and cable company (Frontier Communications, which is basically version internet but with a different name). He asks us if we are interested in getting internet, phone or cable service. I respond with a yes after some hesitation because I was indeed looking into calling the local internet company and setting up an account within the week or so. He gives me and the girlfriend his sales pitch saying that it's no contract. He mentions that he also sells service for the other competing cable company (Mediacom) in our area. I notice the badge on his lanyard and it's got his picture, name and Mediacom's logo on it (basically his ID badge). Anyways, it's a no contract deal with a fixed price for a year (I know, they will most likely raise it later on. I don't have much of a choice though since they've got a monopoly going on here.) anyways, he says this deal comes with a free/no fee for modem and wifi (Mediacom charges 5$ extra in fees for both) internet that comes from the phone line. My mom has used Frontier before so I know that this is indeed how they do things. His name is printed on the flier as well as a number and the company logo. Sounded like a good deal but I was starting to get kinda suspicious. But I agreed to it because I really wanted to take care of getting the internet soon. I asked him questions about has fast it was and such, and he seemed to know a fair bit. So that eased my suspicions some. He asks for my info and I give him my first and last, phone number, the usual contact I to. Then he asks for my social. And I hesitate and tell him I can't do that. He works to convince me that it's okay and that it's needed to set up the account and such. I still refuse and he tells me he's been doing this for about 15 years and has gathered more than 400 ss numbers and that he hasn't done anything with those and that he wouldn't have anything to gain from it. I was still hesitant and he told me he didn't bother to ask any of the older people because they would never give it to him since that's what they are told to do. I don't know, I'm not feeling good about it. But because I am so stupidly timid, I caved and gave him my ss number. He says the internet just needs it to run it and see if everything checks out fine. He aslso asks for a security question date of birth and a pin and I have him stuff that doesn't match anything I have for a bank or anything. I'm still feeling awful at this point and he tells me that if it would make me feel better, he would call it in and I could scratch off the number on the paper. He calls it in and let's me scratch it off and says I should receive a call back around Monday since it's the weekend and they most likely won't put in the info until the next business day. I'm dying inside at this point and he limps his way outside and says he's gonna look for the phone line. He's groaning about his knees or some shit and after about a minute he says he spots it and says they will most likely call me on Monday and come to hook things up then I'll receive my modem a day later by UPS. He bids me goodbye and goes around putting fliers a peoples doors and I start freaking out the more I think about it. I just did something very stupid and start to try to confirm my suspicions by thinking about they way he talked and acted. He was an older man who was heavyset with medical problems. He could be using that as a tactic to gain my sympathy and appear less threatening. He checked the place out, and knows quite a bit about me now. He saw the moving boxes and stuff I had. I called Frontier and they confirmed that they had hired an external service to go door to door and sell their service. This calmed me down some but I still wasn't feeling very good. I went outside and saw that he was leaving. He waved goodbye to me and I pulled out my phone and sneakily took a picture of his car and captured his license plate number. I conveyed my concerns to my girlfriend and she thinkss I'm being paranoid. I tried to call the cable company again to ask if they were asking for ss numbers and such but since it was after business hours I didn't get through to anyone. I'm freaking out and wondering what I should do to check and see if my info is being used. I plan to try to call again tomorrow and see if my account is set up since I saw online that Comcast had done something similar and although shady, people saw that their accounts were created.
I've never felt so stupid in my entire life. Trying to do damage control but it's late at night and there's nothing I can do at this point.
Edit: To include the names of the companies in question and to correct some errors.
[deleted]: I know that from the way you're acting you're not likely to do something like this again, and that's good. If you aren't 100% positive that you're dealing with a reputable company, do not give out information that could enable someone to steal your identity. If that happens it's up to you to prove that you're the real MangoOfDoom, and every piece of information (such as birthdate and security questions) that you give out makes it harder to do so.
Please keep careful tabs on this until you know for sure that this man was what he claimed to be.
MangoOfDoom: Thanks. I will be on this until I know for sure that I do indeed have an account set up and that I can confirm that this is a part of their business practice. I'll still be checking everything closely, like my credit and such. Honestly, I haven't slept all night because of this, and I know now that I'd rather come off as rude than to risk this again. If I get lucky and it turns out that everything is okay, then I learned a big lesson today and will advise other people to be careful as well. My girlfriend isn't much bothered by this, so that worries me. Not only was it stupid for me to give my info, but it was just plain dangerous to let the man in the house. She's not worried because he seemed sincere and she says he obviously had medical problems and this was probably the only job he could manage to get. Now that I run it through my head, it makes me more worried because if I were a scam artist I would try to make myself appear as likable and harmless as possible. I tried to explain this to her but she says he didn't seem to be THAT smart because the attention to detail was too good (in regards to his ID badge and lanyard and the flier). I've told her that I did some shady and questionable things as a kid for my dad because I just wanted to please him (my dad was an alcoholic asshole and I was just a kid who happened to know a fair bit about computers and I thought that if I did this for him, he would stop being mean to us and our mom) so I did it. I won't go into too much detail but it's rather easy to fake important documents when they are going to be handled by every day people who see millions of these documents a day. I know better than to do that crap now, but having done it as a kid, I know that no matter how legit something looks, there's always a chance that it isn't. If things go bad, it will be a lesson to us both, but I'm afraid that if everything checks out she won't see the danger in it and therefore won't question who she opens the door for.
[deleted]: It's seriously really awesome how much you're getting out of something that a lot of people would just blow off. This random internet stranger is proud of you. Best of luck.
MangoOfDoom: Thank you random internet stranger!
| 5 | 2 | |
1402197702 | 1403248752 | t3_27lfdv | t5_2to41 | 45 | Lego_Boni: TIFU by uppercutting a teenage girl
(Really last week) I was in gym class and we were playing dodgeball. Now, I'm in high school and students literally take stupid shit like this WAY too seriously. But I glanced at someone on my "team", who I now know to never, ever copy ever again, grabbing dodgeballs out of our team mate's hands. I had the opposite of an epiphany and decided to have an "asshole" moment. So I looked at the nearest person, a small girl, and tried to grab the ball from her. But I guess my hands had a different idea, and I ended up uppercutting the ball into her chin, with BOTH HANDS. Her nose started bleeding and she had a concussion. I still feel bad about it. She completely forgot about it. She gives me this blank stare in the hallways. I feel as though she knows I did something, but can't remember.
D_RON23: Maybe she doesn't remember because you gave her a concussion...
Lego_Boni: In blatant retrospect, I'm 6'2 and 195 pounds. D:
D_RON23: Hey its alright 1 time in a lunch I was playing basketball and blocked a kid. So he did the most reasonable thing and cheap shoted me an bustee my lip. I proceeded to kick his ass but got stopped just after I threw him down. I apparently hurt his head and the principal almost suspended me and tried to have him file police charges for bullying. Cause you know that makes sense I defend myself and almost get arrested.
Lego_Boni: I would've let them file the charges. That wouldn't have ended well for the kid no matter how the case turned out. Even if they proved it right, you couldn't have gotten more than some community service, and unfortunately, that stuff stays on record, even after 18, for both you and him. Some would say that it's worse on you. Not true at all. Most people don't know but if an officer 30 years down the road is looking at the case that the 44-48 year old just filed is filled with loopholes and was shoddily done, chances are, the old man is just gonna get blacklisted by the force on anything he sends in. Of course they have to respond and investigate anything he sends in, but nobody said they had to do it seriously!
Trust me, my aunt pulled that shit, precisely because she was allowed to get away with filing a bully charge in high school, and now whenever she gets crabby and tries to get a kid down the street in trouble, the police don't even show up at her door anymore. They just tell the kids to avoid the old lady.
| 5 | 9 | |
1402199914 | 1402200581 | t3_27lhvc | t5_2to41 | 15 | BallzAfari: TIFU by sharting... A lot. NSFW
karpDM: Talk about a shit storm... That's awful man... I shat myself once at a ski resort in the bathroom in a stall before i could get my snow pants off.. made it all the way down the hill too after feeling like I got stabbed in the bladder riding the lift up.. proceeded to freak out and rip my pants off and fling shit all over the ceiling... it could be much worse my friend hold your head up high.
BallzAfari: I should mention that I do have roommates, however they were not around, thank god. So yes, it could have been worse. Thanks for your counseling, as only a fellow redditor could.
| 3 | 5 | |
1402196038 | 1402239066 | t3_27ldh7 | t5_2to41 | 31 | britneymisspelled: TIFU by leaving a beer out and forgetting they're carbonated.
So my apartment gets fruit flies at the drop of a hat. Last night I decided to have a Corona that was left at my place. Had a few sips and wasn't feeling it, went to bed, totally forgot about the beer. Today I noticed several fruit flies in the bottle. Instinctively, I grabbed the bottle, put my hand over the top. I was disgusted by the flies being near my hand so I shook the bottle....which proceeded to explode all over me. Covered with beer, fruit fly carcasses, and shame.
ApolloStarIV: Put out a dish of apple cider vinegar with a drop of dish soap to get rid of the fruit flies. The vinegar attracts them and the drop of soap breaks the surface tension so the flies drown. It kinda smells weird at first but better than flies everywhere.
megloface: I've actually found that leaving out an unfinished beer or other sugary drink (hard cider has worked wonders) works better for fruit flies, especially if you leave it in a bottle. This apple vinegar trick didn't really work for me
neurosoupxxlol: I will tell y'all a definitive way to kill fruit flies on the loose. We used this method in a developmental genetics lab I worked in (flies were the model organism). Controlling loose flies was extremely important in a genetics lab because you can't have random flies buzzing around and mating with your painstakingly created mutants/crosses.
Make up a bottle of fruit fly media. Normally this requires agar, but a home recipe would be something like:
6-8 bananas
1/4 cup sugar
Oatmeal
Blend the bananas and sugar. Add oatmeal slowly, until the mixture is gooey but firm. Basically it needs to still be moist. Put this mixture into a mason jar with the lid removed, about 1/8-1/6th of the way up. Sprinkle baker's yeast on the media, but don't cover it all.
When you return in the morning all your flies will be happily chilling/munching away at the bottom of the jar. Cap it and kill them with the method of your choice. One fun fact for the road -- if you slam the jar down the flies will be temporarily stunned, so you can effectually pour them.
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1402200751 | 1402230696 | t3_27lirh | t5_2to41 | 71 | [deleted]: TIFU by ripping my foreskin off...
I can't believe I fucking did this...
It was on June 5th, this week. I decided to do my daily "Business." I begin, everything's going fine. I notice that it's taking longer than usual to finish, so I acquire a tighter grip...
Well... After a few minutes, I feel a warm liquid oozing out. I haven't finished yet, so I look down and-HOLY FUCK THERES BLOOD EVERYWHERE JESUS CHRIST.
Scared shitless, i got some tissues and tried cleaning it up. After about 10 minutes, still bleeding. So I had to drive to the hospital, with a bleeding dick, and somehow with a semi, all while under a lot of pain.
18 stitches, 2 operations later, foreskin is properly off and I'm no longer bleeding.
TL;DR: Don't tenderize your meat too hard.
PunBandit: That must have been hard for you.
Tehownzor121: Nothings going to be hard for me anymore...
Zipzav: badumtsssss.
| 4 | 17.75 | |
1402200453 | 1402268417 | t3_27ligl | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by unfriend-zoning by best friend from childhood...
Today, after visiting home for the first time in 3 years, I met up with my oldest childhood guy friend. For 12+ years we have flirted and confided in each other about everything, but I never let anything happen sexually. Occasionally, we would cuddle or hug, but it never went past that. He is a great guy, not the most handsome or charming but he is very smart, talented, and romantic as well as caring. But I always pushed him away.
I remember once telling him he was, "Like a brother to me." Well, today after many drinks, story telling, and years of longing, I had the most amazing pent up sex with my best friend. It was dark, drunk, and rough exciting sex. Fumbling in the dark, breathing heavy, sweating like shit. I was so drunk, I dont know if we had sex because of love or opportunity, or because of being drunk and irresponsible.
Dont get me wrong, I wanted it and bad. But now our relationship has gotten convoluted and twisted. I never understood the friend-zone theory until I broke the zone with him. Now all these feelings and expectations are popping up from both of us.
The worst part is that I am in a serious relationship with someone else. I have fucked up. I have most likely ruined two of the most important relationships in my life. Now I have no idea what to do, or how to begin the conversation about what happened with either guy.
[deleted]: Friendzone doesn't exist, it's called being a little bitch.
lookitupdear: Ouch, that seems a bit unnecessary of an attack.
Op, it happens. Passion happens in the spur of the moment. Look at it as a way to figure out what you're really looking for and what you really want.
Life only happens once. While that doesn't give us permission to go willy nilly, which can hurt ourselves and others, (which I absolutely don't think is what your intentions were) it's a once in a lifetime event. Maybe use this as an oppertunity to talk to your SO about your wants and needs in the relationship. Or maybe it's time for a break to sort it out on your on so you can come back strong?
Good luck..
Everything works out ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end. -unknown
Edit- Tried to find who to give credit to for the quote, thought it was Lao Tsu but I found others credited for it. Hmm curious.
[deleted]: Okay
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1402201972 | 1402205250 | t3_27lk2m | t5_2to41 | 0 | abbiemorgan: TIFU by sending a snapchat to the wrong person, four times!
Well, about three hours ago I was snapchatting sexually with my boyfriend. And I was sending him a snapchat of my boobs.
As weird as it is to have your parents on snapchat, my stepdad was right underneath my boyfriend in the "recent" column.
As you can probably guess, I accidentally sent the picture to my stepdad, with the caption "you know you wanna motorboat these". To which I freaked out, tried to send the same thing to my boyfriend and ended up sending it to my dad AGAIN! I attempted to send it to my boyfriend another two times, and I gave up after the fourth time of accidentally sending it to my stepfather.
This wasn't even the worst part.
My stepdad eventually replied. With an image of his dick and a caption saying "I do, and you wanna fuck this".
Let's just say....I'm not moving out of the bathroom. As I fear that if I see his face again I will throw up in front of him.
abbiemorgan: Aha family dinner in about 5/6 hours.
And dude as if I'd send my tits to my stepdad on purpose.
hanshotfirs7: I wasn't implying you sent it to him on purpose. I was just saying he thinks you were since you accidentally sent it to him more than once. Like if I had a taboo crush on someone I'd think it was an accident but after sending it more than once i would think okay this is legit. But damn. I'm sorry for the awkwardness but I think you're going to have to let him know somehow It was an accident otherwise he might think you're just playing the taboo role or something.
| 3 | 0 | |
1402204383 | 1402334114 | t3_27lmj3 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by not talking to two gorgeous german girls enough
This happened to me yesterday, but I was too exhausted by the end of the day to type anything up.
I was out doing some sightseeing yesterday with a tour group from work. We were at the largest mall I have ever been in!!! It was absolutely amazing, from Tiffanys and Cartier, to the indoor skiing and aquarium,to Rolex and Debeers.
I had spent all day walking around, and I was exhausted. I had gone outside to look for my tour group, as I was in an unfamiliar place and didn't want to get lost. I was over by the main entry where we came in. There were two gorgeous women, trying to get a picture of the tallest building you have ever seen in the world.
I offered to take a picture, and they were super excited to have me help them out. I got a picture for them, and they were all smiles. Shortly after, a small older Indian couple asked for me to grab their picture in the same spot as well.
After that, the Indian couple asked for all of us to get a photo together. We all laughed and agreed. The German women asked where I was from, and I told them NY, but I live in Italy. They seemed very enthusiastic about talking to me. I talked to them briefly about where they were from.
The conversation was short (my fault), because I was concerned about making sure I met up with my group.
I walked away and still couldn't find my group. I went back outside, and sat back down close to the same spot I had been in (I didn't want to come across as creepy.)
I was checking my phone, trying to get wifi, and was focused on that versus trying to talk to the German women. Out of the corner of my eye I saw them get up and walk past me, one on either side of me. Together they both said goodbye to me, and headed towards the stairs to go to the bus stop. I looked back and they were staring me down.
*That was my cue, but I was more concerned about the tour group*
About 10 minutes later, my tour group starts to arrive. I was relieved to see them. We all walked downstairs to the busses as well. As we walked towards our bus, another bus was backing out, loaded up with people I look at the bus.
I notice the two German women sitting at the window. They immediately smile and wave overly enthusiasticly.
I got on the bus in shame, and passed out from exhaustion.
TL:DR- TIFU by not talking to two gorgeous german women, who were into me, and could have led to more reasons to visit Germany.
Edit for slight grammar and sentence structure.
slayerxxpussy: that was the worse story i have ever red
Voyager5555: I'm skeptical.
You can read?
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1402209012 | 1402217428 | t3_27lqoo | t5_2to41 | 11 | ilofty: TIFU by being late to work
So basically today I had to get up at 5-5:30 am to be in work for 6. At first I wake up at half 4 panicking because I think in late. After a few seconds I realise in safe for upto an hour so I roll back over.
6:20am. Fuck.
So I get up and rush to get to work, once there I knew I would be in trouble, but damn my manager is a cunt. Before I could even apologise/explain why I'm late, he gives me a grilling, threatening my job over it. I know he can't fire me, and he knows he can't. Not yet anyway.
Where I work we have to prep food in the morning before we open, ready for the customers at 8. So I go into the kitchen after grilling number 1 and he proceeds to repeat himself. Finally he let's me explain. I said I slept through the alarm after already waking once, and although it's not an excuse, I have been feeling under the weather lately and that could have had something to do with it as well. He didn't like that.
He proceeds to repeat himself a third time, and says if I'm sick, then I should go home. So I thought fuck it. Clocked out and now back in bed. I'm still sick, not as bad as I have been though, and I know I'm gonna get the same lecture tomorrow morning, whether I'm late or not.
pkg911: Damn, hope you feel better soon.
ilofty: Cheers, I'm just more concerned I've lost a days wage
Qqboxing: fuck it just enjoy your day off
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1402189880 | 1402232121 | t3_27l67u | t5_2to41 | 9 | MilfzAndCookiez: TIFU by breaking a school laptop screen with a mint imperial.
It was on Wednesday but basically, I was in school finishing some of my work with a few friends and we were using the laptops. As we had been in there all day the teacher just left us to it as he usually does and was wandering in and out of the room every once in a while. We were all just lounging around with our feet up,eating food and playing music while working and I got up to got some work from the printer at the back off the room. All of a sudden I was hit on the head by a mint imperial which has solid shell around it and are known for being hard. It bounced into my arms and one of my mates had a load of mint imperials and was looking at his laptop screen so I could only see the back of his head. My other friend point to the one using the laptop and I assumed it was him as he at the mints and i thought he was trying to hie his laughter.
So, me being the dull cunt that I am, threw the mint as hard as I could and of course, it missed and hit the laptop screen. The screen was cracked inside and it looked like when you crack your phone, you know what I mean. You could see nothing as the whole screen was fucked. My friend turned it off and took the battery out and put it back in and put the laptop away and got a new one. No one said anything to the teacher and he was none the wiser as everyone acted normal and no one was a cunt and said stuff like "Throw us a mint".
I am wondering if the school will be able to find out who was lasted logged on as I don't want my friend to get in shit for it. I will own up if they blame him but I am not going to say anything if they aren't able to find out. Can anyone help?
It's 2 A.M for me so sorry for spelling mistakes and grammar.
LDoD: Unfortunately they will be able to tell who was logged on last. Whether they'll bother to look or not is a different matter.
retrofag: Well the school computers might not be too cheap and they might make the kids' parents pay to make up for the lost money...
| 3 | 3 | |
1402211917 | 1402247635 | t3_27lsv0 | t5_2to41 | 4 | sir_ramen: TIFU by transferring 81.5gb to an external HD... then deleting it.
Cleaning up my computer, found out that I had 81.5gb of videos stored in folder I got from a friend. There are still a lot of them I would like to watch in there, so I started to transfer them to my external HD.
Forty or so minutes later I realize it's done, so I delete all of the movies I just selected to save 81.5gigs on my comp. WOOPS WRONG WINDOOW. OEHTBAONIX,HPIKHBAPTIBPH.IB,IR.,,TUUTUNAI,TIP
ryangillam: So, basically you lost nothing but 40 minutes of your time since you still have the originals?
sir_ramen: 80 minutes.
ryangillam: Not really because you would have already have spent at least 40 minutes on this regardless. You wasted 40 minutes. That's it. You were expecting to spend 40 minutes on it.
| 4 | 1 | |
1402214131 | 1402216759 | t3_27ludh | t5_2to41 | 13 | Igives: TIFU by getting too drunk.
Just woke up with a note from my SO that says : "I am disappointed in you. You should think about what you did."
Well I didn't actually remember what I did so I called her and she told me. That I woke up, pissed all over her laptop, went to the WC and after that just ran around her house in my boxers.
What the actual fuck ? I can't remember any of this. I just drank 5 beers. What the hell is happening.
Edit: Just wanted to say that I hope this f*****g day would pass already. Oh I see the "great memories" being brought up later on.
SwampMidget: seriously, only five beers did that?
weird
Igives: Yeh, you think I'm not scared ? Never before has this happened.
I am really in the moment of "What the fuck".
SwampMidget: Is it possible you did drank some shots or something after five beers but just forgot 'cause of the blackout?
What kind of beer was it? I home brew and I know some brews can up around 18% ....that would be equivalent to 15 "normal" beers if thats the case.
Are you taking any meds that may have reduced your tolerance?
Maybe your girlfriend roofied ya to live out her secret strap-on fantasy. Butthurt? Check her browser history for strap-on pics.
Igives: This actually made me laugh a little bit. :)
I'm not taking meds, but you might be right about me drinking after the five beers, but no shots and maybe a beer or 2 max. Even with this amount of alcohol, I've drank much more than this and not blackout.
This is some kind of sorcery !
SwampMidget: Are you a chronic drinker? I had an aunt who was an alcoholic and drank all the time. You'd think she'd have high tolerance, but it was just the opposite 'cause (i think) her liver was fucked. She would get plastered after four glasses of wine.
Igives: Nope, I haven't had a drink for 2 or 3 weeks prior to this. I am creeped out by the fact that I cant recall any of this. The last thing I remember is going to sleep, I have no memory of waking up pissing all over the laptop and running around pratically naked.
SwampMidget: Maybe it's not so much the amount of alcohol that caused this, but a sleep walking incident.
I'd still investigate the strap-on possibilty....ask her.
Igives: Gosh with a sleep walking incident like this ?
In that case I would rather have the alcohol cause this.
| 9 | 1.444444 | |
1402217608 | 1402268161 | t3_27lwjd | t5_2to41 | 422 | ClassyStache: TIFU by sending wolf fellatio to my mom. (NSFW)
So I'm a pretty avid watcher of the GameGrumps YouTube channel. A while back, for comedic purposes, they revived an old meme of a poorly computer generated wolf giving a man a hand job. One of the host stated that he and his pals send it to each other when they're bored. Being the impressionable youngsters that we were, my friends and I started doing this as well. Say what you want, but there's no better way to end a conversation than by having it abruptly followed by this.
http://m.imgur.com/r/gamegrumps/Dqc2Az6
(NSFW)
It's just funny.
Anyhow, I'm hanging with my buds, just dicking around one of their houses with nothing to do. My mom text me and ask me how I'm doing, because she's a sweet, innocent, heavily Christian woman, who is easily offended by any and all forms of computer generated beastiality. I text her back telling her I'm doing just fine, and I lock my phone again. Several minutes pass and I'm still bored, so naturally the next logical step is to WolfJob one of these unsuspecting motherfuckers sharing the room with me. I unlock the phone to see the messages app still open, waiting for me to further perpetuate myself to the realms of social awkwardness by sending my friend a goddamn picture of a man getting his monkey slapped around by a fucking wolf, and I do just that. I sit there watching my friend, waiting for his reaction. It never comes. That's odd. I unlock my phone again and…
Oh.
Fuck.
I forgot the last person I texted was my mother. Shit sundae, how in the holy fuck am I gonna work my way out of this? I began freaking out. My friends ask what's wrong and I tell them. They think it's goddamn hilarious. I've never seen anybody laugh as hard as those two. Me, on the other hand, I'm considering moving to another continent and changing my identity at this point. There's no recovery from a mom WolfJob. I do the only thing I can do and start texting my mom again, reassuring her that this is a joke and all the cool kids are sending animal porn to their mothers, but I get no response. Apparently, my mom was so awestruck trying to figure out whatever the flying fuck she just saw was that she handed the phone to my very homophobic dad. Well, shit.
http://i.imgur.com/IrUFM1T.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/Ys2CRic.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/9bew52O.jpg
I stayed the night at my friends house that night, as WolfJob makes for a very uncomfortable conversation topic while driving with your parents. I got a ride home the next day. When my dad saw me, his mouth said "I love you", but his eyes said "What the fuck". Then the moment of truth comes. I walked into the house to see my mom hanging out in the living room. I figured the best way to avoid awkward tension was to act like the whole ordeal never happened, so I just said hello to my mom like I normally would and that was that. I then proceeded to my room where I continued watching GameGrumps.
TL;DR
I sent my mom a picture of a Wolf jerking off a human being.
**[EDIT]**
To the people asking why I couldn't have just pinned the blame on my friends is because if I had, I probably wouldn't have gotten to hang out with them anymore. My parents are already pretty skeptical over them, and if the thought of any of them being gay ever crossed their minds, I'd have no chance of socializing with them. It's happened before. My father's intense bigotry has prevented me from being friends with a gay person in the past. It's fucked up, I know. You don't have to tell me.
CyBerPike: Your mom is a moron and a bitch.
ClassyStache: Fuck you.
CyBerPike: 'Tis true.
ClassyStache: Eat a dick. That wasn't even my mom's reply. My dad took the phone.
CyBerPike: wahhhhhh
ClassyStache: Seriously, I understand that homophobia is fucked up and outdated, and I *hate* that my parents still practice that nonsense, but they still are my parents. Where do you get off insulting my mother like that?
WINGWANGIT: Your parents suck for acting so bad to you about a joke, And being homephobic zombies,
But im not saying they're bad people.
Just in this 1 instance they are.. as i said. Maybe they're nice people, But in this case, They're homophobic zombie asswipes.
Ta da! (I included your mom btw because she SHOWED it to your dad and made it a big fucking deal humilating you furthermore, Did she even do or say anything about your dad being a homophobic unparently asswipe about the situation?)
ClassyStache: I guess I just wasn't prepared for the onslaught of insults that this post would receive. I whole heartedly agree my dad was being an asshole when he said what he said, but having so many people tell me my parents were degenerate scumbags really got to me.
WINGWANGIT: You showed people something negative about someone and people are automatically gonna jump to conclusion that they're assholes, I'll just go to a limb to say they're a asshole for what they did but i dont know if they're nice or bad people because i havent met them.
ClassyStache: They're okay I guess.
But in all seriousness, thank you for being civil.
| 11 | 38.363636 | |
1402220705 | 1402344404 | t3_27lwv8 | t5_2to41 | 12 | ChubakTheGreat: How did she react? I did the same things a few months back. Ended up dating her until I realized that I don't like her. Damn Ambien.
pseudowalrus: Ambien will turn your worst ideas into the best ideas.
ChubakTheGreat: And Ultram will give you the confidence to do the most stupid things. Valium just makes you hazy and relaxed.
BasedJoey_: Opiates are the best. I used to take 20mg of Ultram a day at school just to chill. It had me floating and everything was good. I was more socially adept (or so I thought, like you).
ChubakTheGreat: If you mix Ultram with Ritalin and Fluoxetine you'll get what I call a blastoff. It soothes you but also gives you energy. Specially if you mix it in with a can of energy drink. Besides I went to a school full of geeks (special strata) and they thought I'm cool because I dare to do drugs.
BasedJoey_: I do have Ritalin! What if I just mixed Ultram and Ritalin? I don't have fluoxetine.
ChubakTheGreat: Fluoxitine is just an anti-depressant, it has always been merely optional for me.
Try to mix it in some Expectorant Codeine syrup and drink it with energy drink.
Or you know, just mix Codeine with meth. When I want to work out at the gym I take meth, but when I want to get HIGH I mix it with codeine.
Watch out for constipation though. You will DEFINITELY get constipated after taking codeine. That's why I always steer clear of using it on long-term basis.
BasedJoey_: I'm in the USA, codeine isn't sold OTC.
ChubakTheGreat: Expectorant Codeine is prescribed for coughing iirc. Can't you get prescription?
BasedJoey_: Yeah, but I'm 15, so I'd have to fake coughing and stuff and then my mother would control my doses (she knows I know about drugs).
ChubakTheGreat: That sucks man. It was like this when I was a teenager. But once I went to college (I still live at home) my mom started giving me more space and freedom. I know she doesn't approve of what I do, but you have to stand your ground and do whatever the hell you want. Your parents have a natural duty to take care of you no matter what.
Don't expect to get anywhere with girls though. It's one thing I voluntarily gave up when I decided that I want to be a substance abuser.
BasedJoey_: Oh, I'm always using drugs and I still have a girl.
ChubakTheGreat: You're lucky. I actually had a girl friend whom I used to do drugs with. But she found a stable boyfriend, stopped doing drugs and cut all contact with me.
BasedJoey_: Yeah, drugs aren't always the safest thing ever. Some people decide to just go with a safer lifestyle.
| 14 | 0.857143 | |
1402218621 | 1402304657 | t3_27lx47 | t5_2to41 | 206 | Loggre: TIFU by saving my girlfriend from burning agony
Decided to make some homemade salsa today that includes all of one medium size serano pepper for the 12 roma tomatoes. Picked the pepper as well as all of the tomatoes and cilantro from our salsa garden, figuring "Hey, these look really ripe, why not?" Cut up all of the tomatoes first and while I go to grab a pizza cutter for the cilantro my girlfriend proceeds to unknowingly grab the pepper and start hacking away. I stop her before she touches anything thankfully and tell her, I'll take care of it, but she needs to go wash her hand 5 times over because the oils will burn anything she touches if she isn't careful about what she touches. I finish cutting them up and wash my hands myself 5 or 6 times and go about the rest of my day without giving it another thought.
What i didn't realize is that after washing my hands I went back and had to discard the stem and seeds of the pepper, and alas forgetting to wash my hands thereafter. It didn't bother me at all because i cut them often and habitually do everything prior to washing for the first time, but in the panic of saving my girlfriend the burning agony I fell out of my routine.
Ate the salsa with lunch and went seperate ways when she went to work and I cleaned up and settled on some netflix. She get home about 8 and coming in the door strips everything and snuggles next to me for some netflix. Being presented with a naked girlfriend I decided hey, i'll tease for a bit and instigate some hot sexytimes. Still having the oils on my hand from the pepper, I proceeded to then unknowingly tease and finger my girlfriend, effectively setting fire to her cooch. The irony of it all being that I only cut the pepper, to protect her from burning herself.
TL:DR Sexytimes were hot, but in NO way sexy
MachinaExDeo: I hear ice cream works well...
Loggre: She ended up taking a half bath and taking extra care with the shower head to flush everything with copious volumes of lukecold (not cold but barely below room temp) water
Nimbokwezer: Lukecold isn't a word.
Loggre: That is why I defined it for you. If lukewarm is real why can't lukecold be functional. It conveyed my meaning and even without my definition for you, you understood what it meant.
donttouchmyface: why isnt it still luke warm?
Loggre: Colder than room temp.
| 7 | 29.428571 | |
1402234418 | 1402369455 | t3_27m7w1 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by being an MDMA tripsitter.
Background: Recently I have made friends with a group of guys and girls from the city (I live an hour outside in a smallish town), and despite my small town lifestyle I have had a fair bit of experience with illegal narcotics (predominantly weed, psychedelics and obviously Ecstasy), and barely any of my new group of friends do, but after I told them of my history some of them have become curious.
So 2 members of this new group are a couple, who I will call Ben and Erin (because that isn't their names, I don't think they reddit but I know some others in that group do. No one knows the name of my account however). Ben is a really cool guy, very chill, kinda shy but up for anything and also pretty funny. He is easily one of the best people to be around in this new group. Now Erin is a bombshell, short and thin, brown hair, slightly above proportional boobs and very pretty (or kryptonite in my language). They both have a bit of a less than perfect relationship, Ben is head over heels for her but she definitely isn't as mad about him as he is about her (this isn't me trying to excuse what happened however, but helps to demonstrate how bad I feel about this). I am also pretty sure that Erin is the first proper girlfriend that Ben has ever had, which makes it even worse.
Recently they both asked about Eccys and what effects it has (Including how amazing sex is and how horny you can get, until the point you realize you have to try your absolute heart out to cum). After I told them how it goes they both wanted to try some, so they scrambled some money together, I put the order in and we arranged a date for last night at Ben's place. Originally the plan was that they would each take a hit and I would stay off anything harder than alcohol and help guide them through it. I show up and it turns out Ben has been sick for the last couple of days and is only just getting over it. He thought he would be OK which is why they didn't bother to call it off. So Ben decides against it but Erin is still adamant about trying it, so we go into the chill room (basically a second lounge made out of an old bedroom at Ben's place), Erin takes her pill and we all sit down to see how she will go.
After a pretty typical first time come up involving a little bit of anxiety and some reassurance, Erin is tripping pretty well and enjoying herself. Eventually it passes midnight and Ben decides he is too tired from this sickness of his, so he heads off to bed. I had been drinking a few beers over the course of the night too, so I was feeling a bit loose as well (but I definitely knew what I was doing). After a while she starts to get a bit handsy from the MDMA, but I tell her it's just the ecstasy talking and use all my willpower to brush her off. Eventually I give in though because I am stupid, tipsy and I think it is easier to resist water and breathing, and for what it's worth it was as amazing as I had hoped it would be. Definitely the best girl I have ever slept with (out of 4 lol). Skin like silk, lips like loaves of bread, a body like a model, boobs that could make a guy cream his pants and fucked like a professional. If I was really stupid (as opposed to the rational, clear thinking genius I so obviously am) I would chase after her like she stole my heart medication. We went at it for what felt like hours. After cumming hard enough to register as seismic activity (this is integral to the story) we both fell asleep on the couch we had just soiled.
Fast forward to this morning and Erin woke me up in tears. Ben had left the house and left a message on Erin's phone that just said "you both can fuck off", obviously he heard what happened last night. After I left this morning Erin did text me but only to say that Ben is OK, he will be staying at his dad's house for the night and doesn't want to hear from either of us. So that is my fuckup, I was only meant to be there to guide them both through their trips and I turned one of the chillest, nicest guys I know probably into an emotional mess. I don't know how many of that group know because I haven't heard anything from them all day, which makes me more worried that all of them know by now. Shit doesn't begin to describe how bad I feel about it. Maybe I need to find a new group of friends.
tl;dr Tripsitting for girl on her first MDMA trip, end up fucking her, pissed off her really nice boyfriend immensely.
Voyager5555: "lips like loaves of bread"
What?
IamKitten: Bread = soft
| 3 | 3 | |
1402235236 | 1402238443 | t3_27m8m4 | t5_2to41 | 33 | Itchydickk: TIFU by putting ant-itch on my junk
First time posting on reddit, so bare with me if my formatting is not that great :)
So I have been sick for the past week, and this morning I woke up with the rash of all rashes, covering me head to toe (Yes it is even on my dick). I just went to the doctors at around 5, and I am staying at my grandparents house tonight, as my parents are out. The doctor tells me I have Scarlett fever, great. We get home and itching starts, and it almost becomes unbearable. I go to bed but I just can't lie still, so I tell my nana I am going to watch TV and fall asleep to it. She tells me there is some anti itch liquid on the cabinet. I grabbed some and applied it all over, then some thought crosses my mind. My dick is literally on fire by this point, along with my body so I don't see the harm. I rub some over my little man and immediately when I put it away I feel the pain and wrath of the gods. It is now 12 and i am just lying here with my dick on fire. FML
tldr; Put anti itch on my dick to stop it being itchy, now feels like it will fall off
Snuzzz: expected ants on your junk
Firevenge007: Op did not deliver.
| 3 | 11 | |
1402230547 | 1402256899 | t3_27m4j4 | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by doing a salt water cleanse.
I am just trying to be a healthier me, with years of shoving beer and pizza down my pie hole and weighing in at a lofty 230lbs I decided it was finally time to take charge of my life and get into shape. I started walking, running, eating healthier and all that, but at about 200lbs I hit a brick wall and had trouble losing more weight.
I decided to try the Master Cleanse which is basically drinking lemonade all day. I figured it couldn't be that bad and honestly it wasnt, however your supposed to do a salt water cleanse with the diet. Okay sure, no problem. Two teaspoons of non iodized sea salt in 32 oz of water and chug that shit down. It wasnt easy but I did it.
Now, I have never in my life done something like this before and the website I was reading said in about 40 minutes I would have a "movement". I decided to pass the time in the shower because the salt water made me feel sick.
About half way through the shower my wife comes in and asks me if everything is okay. My stomach feels like it has expanded to the size of the sun and im feeling really gassy. I decided to siphon off a little pressure by ripping a good healthy fart.
Huge mistake, it wasnt a fart but more of a stream of liquid shit that splattered all over my bathtub. My wife who still happened to be in the bathroom opened the shower curtain before I could tell her no and her eyes widened in absolute horror.
So yea, if you dont believe me try this one for yourself, just dont try farting unless your planted on a seat.
For those who care, I did actually lose weight from all this, so its not all in vain.
**TL;DR:** I did a salt water cleanse and destroyed my shower in the process.
lolsmileyface4: All "cleanses" or "detoxes" are garbage. Sure, you may lose some water weight from a massive amount of diarrhea, but that's about it.
[deleted]: Helped me out. I was 203lbs when I started and got down to 195lbs when I ended it. I did it for three days and I'm currently 193lbs.
Its not for everyone though.
Arpikarhu: i would imagine alot of that is liquid weight. cleanses have been proven to be dangerous
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1402234812 | 1402346950 | t3_27m882 | t5_2to41 | 46 | donosaur66: TIFU by putting on sunglasses.
This was yesterday, but by time I got home from work I was too angry and exhausted to reddit. I work a summer job as a lifeguard at a local pool. One of the perks of the job is that you get to swim as much as you want and get paid for it. While I was going for a swim (it was a slow day, maybe four or five people, and two lifeguards), I leave my shirt and sunglasses on the lifeguard stand. When I get out of the pool, I get back on the stand, and grab my sunglasses.
What I didn't realize, are that horseflies have become tactical little fuckers. The fly sat on the outside bridge of the glasses, so I didn't see it as I pick up the sunglasses and place the on my oh so unsuspecting face. That little bastard then decides to to get off of the glasses, nestles itself right between my eyebrows, and takes a pound of flesh out of my face. At this point, I now see the error of my ways, and attempt to rectify the situation by delivering a deadly slap towards the fly. But, that uncanny little hellspawn deftly gets out of the way, causing my open hand of vengeance to slap myself in the face, knocking off my glasses. Being dumbstruck by the striking, I lose track of the fly, which bites my neck as a final insult, and flies away.
two hours later, after everyone has left besides my coworker and my boss, my coworker says: "Dude, your face looks weird". I head to the bathroom to check out my face to find that the double whammy of bug bite and facepalm has swollen everywhere from the my nose to my forehead, which makes my eyes look like they are an extra inch apart from each other.
And today, the swelling is still at the same level.
EdibleNoms: This needs to become a comedy routine.
donosaur66: I admit, it was probably hilarious to watch, but it hurt like hell and my face is still disfigured from swelling.
Silverlight42: Let's hope it isn't permanent.
donosaur66: Saw the doctor today, got a cortisone shot, so it should get better soon. (fingers crossed)
Silverlight42: good good, did the doc say how long? I thought steroids would be fast acting.
donosaur66: Well, its unusual for it to be swollen for this long to begin with, maybe one to two days with steroids.
| 7 | 6.571429 | |
1402234227 | 1402268478 | t3_27m7pv | t5_2to41 | 241 | Strawberry_wedding: TIFU by eating strawberries on a wedding cake [NSFW]
This actually happened last night but the story starts almost a month and a half ago with the purchase of a pocket pussy. Being a single male in his 20s it just seemed like the smart thing to do at the time. However I didn't buy any lube and only had strawberry flavored lube left over from a previous gf so that would have to do. So fast forward to last night at one of my best friends weddings, her and I had been friends since elementary school and it was a wonderful wedding up until desert, she had a white cake with buttercream frosting, garnished with fresh strawberries. Upon smelling the sweet strawberries in a moment that would've made Pavlov proud, my penis jumped to attention. It was at this unfortunate moment that the bride came to ask me to dance, (having had her desert with the groom earlier right after the cutting) I resisted, I plead not to, to no avail. Finally she forced me out of my chair, and there I stand pitching a tent that any camping enthusiast would be proud of. And so with 100 pairs of eyes staring it would appear as though I got a boner for my childhood friend of many years on her wedding night by her simply asking to dance. I and my shameful boner promptly left the reception.
bacon_cake: > ##TIFU by eating strawberries on a wedding cake [NSFW]
>....the story starts almost a month and a half ago with the purchase of a pocket pussy.
I love this subreddit.
greenzeppelin: To be fair, it wasn't a fuck up until last night, and I feel anything within a week is TIFU eligible.
bacon_cake: Whoops, I wasn't actually commenting about the time span. I was actually commenting on the absurdity of a story starting with *that* title and beginning with *that* sentence.
My comment must have come across as sarcastic.
greenzeppelin: Oh! Well, alright then. Yes, now that you mention it I see where you're coming from and it is fantastically absurd.
| 5 | 48.2 | |
1402243596 | 1402734136 | t3_27mil3 | t5_2to41 | 357 | ThatVideoGameGuy: TIFU By Offering to Smoke Up an Undercover Cop... Whoops
A little background, I work at a pawn shop. A couple days ago a guy came in looking for an iPhone 4s that was unlocked. We tried a couple of our phones but none of them turned out to be good. On the side me and a couple friends buy and sell a wide variety of merchandise. A good friend of mine actually had a 4s factory unlocked, so I gave the guy his phone number and told him to contact my friend to purchase the iPhone.
My friend and this guy meet up and he purchased the phone. This morning he calls my friend, upset the phone is having an issue with the speakerphone. After some troubleshooting my friend tells him he will refund him in full. The guy wanted to meet up for the refund within the hour. I was currently with my friend about to go snag this deal on a PS4 with some games about 25 minutes away. When my friend tells him he wants to meet for the refund in about a hour he says " You guys smoking them trees right now?!?" In a joking manner. My friend responded " No, not yet. " I already thought this guys was cool, and now I was assuming he smoked too. I tell my friend to tell him if he meets us in a hour I would smoke him up for waiting.
I buy the PS4 bundle, and we go meet this guy at Wendys with a blunt rolled. He's standing outside with his police badge visible... This is when I realized I fucked up... bad. He explains to us that he is an undercover cop, and that he didn't have a problem with people smoking a little Marijuana here and there , and that we should NEVER bring up weed and talk about it around him. BULLET DODGED. We refunded him his money for the iPhone and drove home with nothing but a warning. This all happened a hour ago. I'm still shaky.
white_nerdy:
He's probably asking for a little quid pro quo: Don't tell anybody he's undercover.
[deleted]: Eh.. He was standing outside with his police badge visible.
[deleted]: plainclothes, not undercover
Jon64: Off duty. Not plainclothes OR undercover. Just put on his badge to warn them. OP said in another comment the phone was to facetime his family. Doubt he'd be doing non police work like that while working.
| 5 | 71.4 | |
1402244891 | 1402262440 | t3_27mkax | t5_2to41 | 142 | [deleted]: TIFU By letting my friend drive my new used BMW M3.
This happened last Sunday... I've been wanting an E46 BMW M3 for some time now. I bought one two weeks ago, absolutely beautiful. Last Sunday I roll into my buddies used video game store, he's pulling in at the same time , in his GTR of course. He checks out my new used BMW with his girlfriend and asks to drive it. I tell him no way, then he goes on to tell me how he is such a better driver than me and he has driven porches , Ferraris ETC. I finally toss him my keys and go inside.
I'm sure most of you can probably imagine what happens next... I get a call from him 10 minutes later. " DUDE, no joke... I just wrecked your car." My heart melts. He tells me is location and to drive his GTR over there. While driving the GTR I'm going through such mixed emotions. It was my first time driving the GTR and the car is absolutely awesome, so I'm happy and sad at the same time. I get to the crash scene and the BMW is totally. He counter steered the wrong way going into a turn , slid off the road and hit a pole :( no one was seriously hurt, except me.
I didn't have full coverage on the car nor did I want to make a claim. He gave me his Evo IX which I really dislike because it has a salvage title.
DON'T LET ANYONE DRIVE YOUR CAR! Lesson learned.
http://imgur.com/uRl7W0Q
[deleted]: If he's got that much money why isn't he buying you a replacement? He crashed the fucking thing after convincing you to let him drive it.
pawnbroker00: He has over a million dollars in assets. He is just poor at managing his cash. I actually have more cash than him in the bank. It was a shitty deal on my end, that's why it's a fuck up ;)
gbimmer: Sue his ass. He's not your friend.
pawnbroker00: He's still a friend… We do a lot of traveling together and sometimes he lets me borrow his M6 or GTR :-)
Masamune_X: A friend is someone who hugs you when some asshole you know wrecks your new car. This guy is not your friend.
Sue his ass.
pawnbroker00: You may be right… He's more of a friend in the way we can have GREAT conversations about stuff most people know nothing about. Hard to just give it up and sue him. Thinking about it though, he got mad at me and threatened to sue me a couple months ago for a deal on bad… Maybe I should sue him :-)
Fake_Engineer: Dude, If I wrecked a good friends car I'd replace it or offer the best replacement I owned. (So I guess his M6 or GTR). The fact that he gives you one of this shittier cars kind of shows his MO.
BTW, if he has insurance, shouldn't he be able to file a claim and replace your car?
pawnbroker00: Gtr - $60,000
M6 - $35,000
M3- $14,500
Evo IV - books for $22,000
Everyone keeps talking about his insurance. I tried. They wouldn't cover it because it wasn't his car.
omiclix: Of course the insurance company is going to deny you; that is what they do. I'm not going to get into the details of it, but what everyone is saying is that you are a fool for settling. Talk to your lawyer about it.
pawnbroker00: People can say and think what they want. I'll maybe loose a couple thousand which is better to me than loosing a connection and having something pop up for the rest of my life on the insurance.
Fake_Engineer: Is he a friend or "connection"?
And your insurance only looks back maybe 7 years. My indiscretions as a 18 year old are gone.
| 12 | 11.833333 | |
1402244857 | 1402289237 | t3_27mk9b | t5_2to41 | 496 | WaffleBeanDip: TIFU by calling the cops on my dad.
This happened a few months back actually, but I thought I'd share it anyway. So I just got back from school at around 2:00 pm, and I'm just up in my room relaxing, doing whatever. About 15 minutes later, I hear something coming from the porch. I look down from my window to see a man dressed in black enter through the porch door. I'm freaking out, and have no idea what to do. I quickly grab a baseball bat and hide in the closet. I dialed 911 and told them I saw a man in black break into my home. About 5 mins later, I hear a banging on the front door and my dad yelling for me. I go downstairs to see the cops with their pistols drawn, and my dad standing at the front door. It turns out that my father was coming home early that day and had never told me. No one got in trouble, but this is still one of the most embarrassing things that I've ever done.
Morophin3: Just as a side note: a bat won't help you in a closet. You can't swing it.
NickTheHalfling: Jab them in the solar plexus when they open the door, and when they stumble back, whock 'em in the head.
DeaconNuno: Whock em in da head
Whock em in da head
Whock em in da head til they dead (til they dead)
Just
Whock em in da head
Whock em in da head
Whock em in da head til they dead (til they dead)
Hid out in my closet cuz my crib is compromised
Too afraid to even breathe, I'm clutchin' Louisville's pride
Got a plan of attack should they reach my base
I'm gonna jab they solar plexus then attack they face, SO
Whock em in da head
Whock em in da head
Whock em in da head til they dead (til they dead)
Just
Whock em in da head
Whock em in da head
Whock em in da head til they dead (til they dead)
cliffytron: I'm standing in my room with my wooden bat, bloody
his head is cracked in with a face like a gully
I whocked him the head for invading my home
Now he is on the floor with a busted up dome,
had to...
>Whock em in da head
>Whock em in da head
>Whock em in da head til they dead (til they dead)
>Just Whock em in da head
>Whock em in da head
>Whock em in da head til they dead (til they dead)
DeaconNuno: I've created a monster. *What have I done?*
Wrote a verse about wockin' and Reddit must add one
We're so close to triple platinum I can almost smell it
I just hope I get the loot when the admins sell it, OR I'LL
CHORUS!
[deleted]: I'm sorry ms Jackson. I am for real.
I never meant to whock em in da head.
I'm sorry ms Jackson. I am for real.
I never meant to whock em in da head.
I'm sorry ms Jackson. I am for real.
I never meant to whock em in da head.
Omally21: Congratulations! You just killed the thread!!!
[deleted]: I apologize.
| 9 | 55.111111 | |
1402245810 | 1402328401 | t3_27mll9 | t5_2to41 | 223 | hmdylan12: TIFU by: looking at my sister in laws naked pics on her laptop.
TIFU So, I lurk reddit quite often but never feel like I have much to post about, but last night I fucked up big time and would like to have some advice from you guys.
Here goes, last night I was updating my iPad on my sister in laws computer and stumbled upon naked pictures of her while I was on there. I don't know if I'm some kind of pervert or something but I took it upon myself to look at every picture I could find. Long story short she figured out I was looking at them and proceeded to tell my wife, her husband, and my in laws. Needless to say my wife was completely hurt and I feel horribly embarrassed about it, but then again I'm sure that she knew the pics were on there and she did give me her password and knew that I was on her computer. So reddit, what would you do in my situation? I am 22 married and have a kid and should have known better but I feel like my curiosity and voyeurism got the best of me. Any kind of advice would help. Thanks guys.
NothingISayIsReal: First thing, you need to stop making excuses about how this happened. You knew exactly what you were doing and even now, you don't actually feel sorry about doing it, just that you got caught and your wife knows. What I'm really worried about is how you said she gave you her laptop password, so she must've expected you to needlessly look through her pictures. You need to start apologizing. And not only to your wife. You purposely went through your sister-in-law's photos, trying to dig up whatever dirty pic you could; you need to apologize to HER as well. Today, you fucked up because you did a fucked up thing.
orangesndlimes: I'm sitting here trying to figure out why this just doesn't feel right. Thanks for clarifying. He's not sorry he did it, he's sorry he got caught. He's still not sorry he did it, he would probably do it again. I don't know how you dig yourself out of that one
SatanMD: I wouldnt feel bad about doing it either. I would just feel bad about peoples feelings getting hurt. We all do things were not supposed to do sometimes because its fucking awesome.
isoperimetric: Violating other women is not "fucking awesome".
SatanMD: Being that it is already established that OP fucked up, yeah, probably shouldnt have done that. I think creeping through every picture he could find was too far. But im just saying we all do shit we shouldnt because its pleasing. But im saying this as someone who is a lot more laid back about things like nudity. So im bias.
Voyager5555: Being laid back about nudity and violating someone's trust and privacy are two completely different things.
SatanMD: I dont think you understand the point im making. I didnt say that violating someones personal trust was fucking awesome. If its not already clear enough, OP. Fucked. Up. All im saying. Ya know, being Satan and all. That sometimes we break the rules. Because its fucking awesome. Clubbing baby seals and sodomy and shit.
Voyager5555: I think everyone understands the point you're trying to make. Also lumping sodomy in with clubbing seals as "breaking the rules" because it's "awesome" implies to me that you're somewhere between 7 and 9 years old, have fun with that.
SatanMD: Well you know. Thats why its funny. Like satire, from a biblical standpoint. Seeing as im keeping up with the whole devil shtick. Calling me a child goes to show that you let someone on the internet piss you off. Have you ever seen a business guy in a city get in an argument with with a crazy home bum? Thats us. You and me baby.
| 10 | 22.3 | |
1402206922 | 1402274790 | t3_27loun | t5_2to41 | 6 | ReadyForWar: TIFU by getting my dog drunk
I would like to start this by saying that I am truly sorry for what happened, and he is doing great now. He is happy and wagging his tail :)
So, it was last night that a little, "get together" was going on at my house, and we were all well into the beers and even had some shots of tequila here and there. One of my friends was a little drunk after several drinks, and was doing some really stupid stuff (smoking in my house, spilling everywhere etc.) and the worse part was, he was getting sick. Everywhere. I have some pretty awesome friends and they were really helpful. They cleaned up almost all of it, but when they left, my friend kept puking. And as any dog does, they are instantly drawn to any source of food, no matter what it is. Worse comes to worst, you can guess what my dog gets into, and I quickly get him away from it, but it was far too late. Minutes later, my dog is stumbling around the house for at least a half an hour because of all of the alcohol he drank. Next morning he is still stumbling, but now he is doing great!
CaptainExpletive: Well, was he a party animal?
Jalaliozz128: You would
| 3 | 2 | |
1402244545 | 1402335588 | t3_27mjt5 | t5_2to41 | 2,906 | maskedgunman: TIFU by laughing when I shouldn't have
Let me set the stage.
I had to travel this weekend to get from Sydney to Singapore for work. It's roughly a 7 hour flight so pretty easy to do during the day. I check in, get my self and exit row and board the flight.
I get towards my seat and notice a girl maybe 25-35 sitting in the seat next to mine ( I am a 26 year old guy). Now, I am generally a pretty shy person but I figure I will make a tiny bit of small talk so the next 7 hours aren't totally awkward. I say "Looks like a full flight" as I take my seat and she responds surprisingly warmly. I wouldn't say that we "hit it off right away" but definitely built a bit of rapport and exchanged some pleasant small talk. We talk the entire way through taxing and talk off, once the seat belt sign goes off the conversation sort of naturally dies so I end off my introducing myself and wishing her a good flight as I slip on my headphones.
Here is were it gets good. Being close the FIFA world cup there is a british documentary about the slums and poverty around Brazil. I figure its an interesting watch, so I start it up (it was panorama in the shadow of the stadiums BTW).
The first scene after the little intro is the reporter sitting in a four wheel at night in a slum area. His tone is the usual over dramatic investigative journalist type -- almost as if someone was spoofing it on youtube. The music and camera work additionally are as if it were from a send off program.
he says something like "Here I am in one the worst favelas [slums] in the city and I am literally surrounded by child prostitutes. Over there I can see a young girl, maybe 11 or 12 engaging men as they drive passed looking for a john. She also appears to be smoking crack cocaine..."
As the show cuts back to him, I immediately say in my head: "...looks like I've hit the jackpot" in the same tone as the reporter. It syncs up perfectly with the video. For some reason, maybe because I was in a good mood from the social interaction or because I am truly reprehensible, I could not contain my laughter. I'm giggling, smirking like a retard and shaking my head at the same time.
Of course she notices and nudges me with her elbow (almost flirting I would say) and asks "that looks like it must be funny, what are you watching?"
"Its... Its uh... Its a documentary about the world cup" I painfully reveal. She looks slightly perplexed but figures it must be good for someone to laugh that genuinely and uncontrollably. To my horror, she goes through the on board entertainment system and finds the show. Out the corner of my eye I see in disbelief as she watches the same 10 minutes I did.
I didn't look back again, nor did we speak. After landing I did say goodbye and she just smiled awkwardly back.
TL;DR: A woman sitting next to me on a plane witnessed me laugh uncontrollably at a documentary about child prostitution and exploitation.
EDIT: I fully realize the real tifu is that I sat in silent awkwardness for 6 hours post incident when I could have said almost anything to fix. Hind sight is 20/20 in real time I don't do well under pressure.
ramonsb: i see all of these posts with situations that could be fixed by explaining to the other person why the hell you did that. Why didn't you tell her??
AnomalousAnemone: Somehow "I imagined that the guy was happy to be surrounded by crack smoking child prostitutes" doesn't seem to be much of an improvement
sasky_81: It is a really interesting documentary, but the journalist is such a caricature that it is funny at very weird moments.
marakeet: This level of English is long forgotten. You must be an archaeologist
johnnybigoode: Why? Because of the use of caricature?
Maybe sasky_81's first language is Portuguese... stating that someone is a caricature is a common expression.
dirtydela: it's not exactly uncommon in English
johnnybigoode: Then why the archaeologist joke?
dirtydela: I have no idea. It's not like caricatures aren't still done by street artists round the nation.
| 9 | 322.888889 | |
1402248962 | 1402413150 | t3_27mpuq | t5_2to41 | 34 | biblebeaten: TIFU and got violated by a bible.
It was a nice summer day today, so I decided to sprawl out in the sun in our front room and play some 3DS.
I was lying on my back, legs spread, feet resting on my bookshelf. I was rocking the bookshelf lightly against the wall as I played. I didn't think much about the heavy bible on the top (Catholic stepmom), wobbling close to the edge with each rock. I was just enjoying some Zelda when WHACK, bible falls six feet and nails me right in the vagina.
Yyyyeah. >o< And I was just wearing bootyshorts, so it stung pretty bad. I was curled up for a while. So much for summer relaxation.
MrAlarming: How much did the bible weigh?
biblebeaten: Not too much but I got the CORNER. TT__TT
MrAlarming: Did it get very far in or did it just hit the outside then bounce off?
ColtonMK: Really? You're actually wondering if a square block of paper pushed straight through her pants and actually entered her? You better be trolling.
MrAlarming: Her vagina could be huge I don't know how big it is. She could fit the entire thing in there for all I know.
ColtonMK: That's a disturbing vision right there...
MrAlarming: OP can you fit the entire bible in there? just wondering, for science reasons... of course.
| 8 | 4.25 | |
1402249139 | 1402260529 | t3_27mq2t | t5_2to41 | 15 | HelioKiwi: TIFU by letting some of my friend's stockpiled nudes get out
So my closest and best friend is moving to a town that's a few states away, and he was one of the more popular boys at my high school. So as most teenage boys would, me and a few others decided to throw him a kickass party.
This friend of mine... is a little bit of a womanizer. He has one of those really gross touchscreen phones from 2005, so he did most of his social networking and Snapchatting from his iPad, which he kept incredibly cleverly hidden from his parents at all times. One of the little traditions we would do, was every week our little group of friends would all go over to his house and look at the new nudes he's received from girls at our school. It's really pathetic, I know, but it's just how high school boys are.
Now before the party, me and my friends were all at his house looking at his new material he'd gotten that week. Some of the ones he had gotten were from a girl that one of my friends had a crush on. When we were alone upstairs together, he asked me "Hey, you can send messages from an iPad to an iPhone right?" I just nodded my head and didn't think anything bad of it. Whoops.
The party wasn't at my main friend's house, but it was at another one of our acquaintances who lived on the outskirts of town in the middle of nowhere. Perfect place for a party, right? We had a bonfire going, a pool with a bunch of friends in it, and some of the people there were playing ukulele and guitar and generally having a great time. This party was much, much more mellow than most as there was no drugs or alcohol involved in it whatsoever. It was a get-together for all my friends one last time before my bestie moved away. It was great.
And here comes the juicy stuff. I was swimming in the pool with a couple girls when one of my friends summoned me for a "really private drama meeting." That's exactly what it was. Once we had our little group of four or five together, a straight-up interrogation happened. Somebody had sent a few pictures from my friend's iPad to themselves via iMessage, and since my friend's dad is able to access all iMessaging from his family, he saw them. Just peachy.
Let's take a little bit of a step back here though. My friend's mom hasn't exactly been the most faithful to her husband. So when the dad saw nudes (he couldn't see the face in them, by the way) sent from the mom's email address to a number he didn't know, he could only imply the obvious. He thought she was cheating again.
We all knew it was the guy who had a crush on one of the girls who had a nude on his iPad, so we turned immediately to him even though he strictly denied it. We looked through his pictures... and there they were. What a great friend he is, right? Almost tore apart my friend's marriage, but he did fess up to the mom later that night. It's a good thing too because we were all too loyal to him to sell him out, and the parents were really damn close to reporting us all to the police for interrogation.
After that brief little escapade, we all went back to the party. A few of us spent the night. As it turns out, my best friend wasn't really in any trouble because it wasn't his fault. The parents were irate with the friend who sent the nudes to himself though, so much that we had to hide him when they came to pick their son up.
Here I am now, two weeks into the future, and everybody just kind of pretended that it didn't happen. Nobody got in trouble with their parents or the police, and things are back to normal, except my best friend is now enjoying a new life out in the middle of nowhere.
So yeah. Moral of the story is don't be a dumbass. I fucked up by letting my friend send the nudes to himself even though I knew it wasn't the brightest idea. Have a good day, all.
turtlesarerad14: we've all fallen victim to the stupid fucking imessage sharing :(
Resdrak: Not I. Never had a smartphone growing up and I only got one when I was 19 and bought it for myself. Even then it was an Android so no iMessage sharing thankfully.
turtlesarerad14: lucky you :)
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1402250780 | 1402255764 | t3_27msb7 | t5_2to41 | -9 | [deleted]: TIFU by not speaking my mind
Yesterday I was at one of my good friends weddings. He's such a good guy that he paired me at a table in the back (HUUUUGE wedding) with 3 really, really beautiful girls. The one directly to my right though...oh man. She and I chatted the whole time but half way through something changed. One of the wedding photographers came by and said "hey Im doing table photos will you guys pair up with your dates?" So from then on we were reffering to each other as our 'date' and 'babe'. After she and I had too many jack and cokes to count, she and I found our selves dancing together. Not at-the-club-ass-on-my-dick dancing, but very fun wedding dancing. Lots of hand holding and twirling, hip grabbing etc. She was so beautiful. 11/10 would go to wedding again. The way we could talk to each other. Everything!
She flies 4 states away today. Towards the end of the wedding, she and I started discussing what to do afterwards. I kept telling her that it was up to her because I have a car and can drive anywhere. Eventually we decided on bars. We danced some more. But then at the end.....she just said she was tired and walked back to the hotel. And instead of really letting her know that she is the most beautiful person I had ever seen and that I had the most fun with her that I have had in a long time, I thought it would look cooler for me to not geek out about her wanting to go home.
We embraced. I said I had a wonderful time.
As I waited on my car from the valet and we exchanged final words, I told her I hope that she has a nice life.
Then I drove away in my car like a mother-fuckin bad-ass and never looked back.
BUT I REGRET ALL OF IT.
I WISH I COULDVE TOLD HER.
I WISH I COULD GET IN CONTACT WITH HER.
I will never see her again :/
She was the one that got away.
swimmingwithnowater: Ask your friend for her contact details and get in touch with her
[deleted]: i suppose. but the catch is that we both have a SO.
which is why i find all of this so peculiar
swimmingwithnowater: Do you really want to be with your SO or is this just something to do for some companionship? If it is nothing serious may be you need to think about what you want
[deleted]: shes just the one that got away man
i'd always heard the saying but never thought i would feel it
Judgment38: Completely dodged the question? So you basically just cheated on your SO over some random hot girl at a wedding?
| 6 | -1.5 | |
1402249408 | 1402282020 | t3_27mqf6 | t5_2to41 | 148 | Vanhaydin: TIFU by browsing 4chan when my mom was home
This didn't happen today, it was 5ish years ago. I was 16 I think, and (because I think this makes the story worse), I'm female.
It was a weekend and I was in the living room browsing 4chan on the laptop. I was on the video game board, but there can often be some NSFW stuff. I didn't think it mattered since my mom was in her room anyway.
She comes out of her room and walks behind me to go to the kitchen, and glances at my screen as she's doing so. She sees a thumbnail of a scantily-clad girl, and asks, "who's that?" I say, "uh, I don't know, some random girl on the internet. I don't know her." and kind of shift awkwardly and she sees it as me hiding the screen from her (I kind of was, but tried to do it in a non-obvious way). She takes the laptop from me because she thinks I'm being secretive, and proceeds to scroll through the page, scrutinizing it. She deems it lewd and gives me a dirty look. She does the worst thing imaginable and clicks on the link to /b/.
/b/ is a really dirty place, for those who don't know. It includes funny/interesting stuff but is also used for porn threads, and a lot of the time there are things not entirely legal there, like teen/child porn threads (although they're not condoned and usually reported and deleted by people quickly). It also has a lot of fucked up porn.
She is appalled, of course. She carries the laptop to her room, where my father is, and locks the door. I'm just sitting on the couch thinking, "oh fuck. oh fuck. oh fuck, this is going to be impossible to explain to them." They're in there while I'm trying to listen (not a difficult task, because my mother is scrolling through and yelling at my dad all the gross shit she's finding. he's trying to calm her down but with my mother it's a pretty difficult task). After about an hour of this, my parents come out and my mom is absolutely fuming. She's at that silent-trying-to-hold-my-anger-in stage. They sit down in front of me, and my dad is doing the talking (or at least attempting to) because he knows my mother is just going to explode if she does.
* Dad: "Vanhaydin... It's normal and okay to look at porn, but-"
* Mom: "NO IT ISN'T."
* Dad: "It's normal to look at porn.. <angry look at my mother> but you have to make sure it's legal. Looking at porn of underaged girls is wrong."
* Me: "I wasn't, that's not what I was on the site for. There are different sections, I was in the video game section-"
* Mom: "No, we both saw porn. Don't try to lie to us."
* Me: "Yes, but that was-"
* Mom: "Are you a lesbian?"
* Me: "What? No, I'm not, I wasn't even lookin-"
* Dad: "You can't look at this stuff, honey. It's messed up."
* Me: "I know it is!"
After a while of this I just gave up and nodded along to whatever they were saying, because it was futile. I was grounded for a long time and my mother let me have 0 net-privacy until I moved out.
TL;DR: My parents probably still think I'm a lesbian who likes kiddie porn.
yufakkalott: Damn. There's no way to defend yourself when you're surfing 4chan and someone finds out. I have a similar incident when I was looking at a not so PG rated subreddit, it was my cousin who "caught" me and it wouldn't be so bad but he's really religious and told my parents. Even though I was 22 I was like WTF.
johnjfrancis141: what subreddit?
VeraciousBuffalo: What subreddit? (I gotcha, bro)
1The_Mighty_Thor: Who subreddit?
johnjfrancis141: where subreddit?
1The_Mighty_Thor: And sometimes "Y"
your_uncle_mike: Why subreddit?
[deleted]: How subreddit?
| 9 | 16.444444 | |
1402253428 | 1402284600 | t3_27mw02 | t5_2to41 | 617 | CrrackTheSkye: TIFU by kneeing a pregnant woman in the belly
So I work in a grocery store and one of my coworkers is eight months pregnant. She's a very small woman (5 feet or so) and I'm about 6'2". This is an important detail.
I was talking to a client, asking what I could get for her and she asked for spaghetti. Those were located on a shelf directly behind me, so I turn around and take a step towards the shelf.
I didn't see, however, that my coworker was passing by and as I took the step, I hit her full in the belly with my knee/upper thigh.
She started crying immediately and we rushed her to the hospital. Luckily both mother and child are perfectly fine, but I'm going to be known as the guy who kicked a baby basically...
Pepser: I fell flat on my belly when eight months pregnant ones, also hurried to the hospital, everything was fine. Apparently chances of getting a baby hurt in this manner are very slim because of the water protecting them. The worse thing that could happen is mom going into labour because of the adrenaline shock. That obviously didn't happen so I think you're OK.
I think you should offer the mom-to-be a sorry-card/flowers/chocolates/store credit for a baby store. That way you'll be known as the guy who fixes his fu's in a nice manner rather then the baby kneeing guy..
Fear_UnOwn: I agree, make up for it in a very nice way. Is the mother single? Maybe show her a night out, you never know what could happen ;)
DisagreeForNoReason: I disagree
Fear_UnOwn: The best kind of disagreement there is: one with no reason
ChairyCweed: I disagree
[deleted]: I agree
| 7 | 88.142857 | |
1402254348 | 1402268012 | t3_27mxd3 | t5_2to41 | 59 | PoopOutMyTaint: TIFU by laughing at my roommate's beloved pet.
So about 20 minutes ago, I was just sitting in my room "studying" (fapping) when my roommate knocks on my door. I quickly hide the porn and flip my dick into my waistband. I yell for him to come in and he opens the door and begins to tell me he just got off the phone with his mom.
He proceeds to tell me that today his mom was leaving to go buy groceries when she opened the door and found a white cat dead on her welcome mat.
That was it. No context, no additional details, nothing. The story ended there.
Now I believe that a combination of the mid-fap endorphins that were still raging inside me and the fact that my roommate felt the need to come into my room to tell me a story with little to no significant meaning were the reasons I began to chuckle a little bit as he stood in my doorway.
My roommate looked horrified that I was laughing and when I realized that this was not the response he was looking for, I asked why he was telling me such an insignificant story.
He then clues me in that his childhood cat of 15 years was named "A White Cat".
He then slams my door, grabbed his keys, and left the apartment sobbing uncontrollably.
I was and still am just shocked at the turn of events. And while I felt kind of bad for laughing at the death of his beloved cat, the bitter-sweet ending to this story is that at least I was able to watch my porn with the volume up since my roommate wasn't home anymore.
TL:DR - Unknowingly chuckled at the fact that my roommate's cat just died.
En0ch_Root: Is your room mate a pms-ing teenage girl?
[deleted]: His cat just died, dude.
tomokochi: Not just any cat, A White Cat.
| 4 | 14.75 | |
1402256793 | 1402351530 | t3_27n0vp | t5_2to41 | 272 | Strictly_loud: TIFU by cumming on my girlfriend's parents' bed.
Sex is messy kids. Bring a towel..
Anyway.
So I was at my girlfriends house, when we decided we should watch a movie. At the time her parents were not home and we sometimes use their room because they have a better TV and surround sound. So we head in there and pick out a movie.
Everything started well, we were all set and ready with popcorn and etc.. Then things start heating up between us. I'm omitting the actual sexy times and skipping to where I fucked up.
So I'm doing my thang you know. And I feel myself reaching the finish line. It felt nice so I (stupidly) had my eyes closed with my head leaning back. I was into it, don't judge. I pulled out and launched my seedlings onto her back. Or so I had thought. The estimated trajectory of my sperm stick was completely miscalculated. I ended up getting a couple of drops on her whilst the rest of my spunk distributed to various other unintended surfaces. Up on her parents' pillows, sheets, wall, you name it. It was a mess.
It was then I realized I had fucked up. I'm sitting there dick in hand just accepting my fate. The sheets could not be changed as that would be obvious, like the stains. So how does one explain those stains to the parents? You don't. You get kicked out of the house and never allowed back..
Tl;dr: Sexy times with my girl on parents bed turns to a hot mess and I got exiled from the house.
Edit: I feel like I should clarify some things here. To all saying spill some other form of food or condiment on the sheets and blame it on that: this occurred late at night and they knew we were there with only popcorn. Why one would need mayonnaise or something else for popcorn I'm not sure.
Also, her parents were teenagers once too. They know what can go down during movies (especially ones you've already watched). And they were not oblivious to the various stains which were obviously not caused by the popcorn nor drinks we had.
Also: THEY CAN SMELL YOUR CUM.
the_winter_storm: OP, you're a dumbass but without you, I wouldn't have this nice little fuck up to read. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
WhatsNextForMe: I feel the same way. Pretty disrespectful, and quite a dumbass move to have sex on your parents or girlfriend's parents bed. Fuck, have sex on your own bed. However, I enjoyed reading the fuck up.
the_winter_storm: Yep. I dated a guy that tried to get me to have sex on my mom's bed and that relationship was promptly ended. It's extremely disrespectful.
Although, I had sex on my best friend's couch but it's okay because she had sex on my couch so we're pretty even.
YouGotAte: You little shit, I think I know you
the_winter_storm: I highly doubt it but feel free to pm me and we'll find out :p
duckvimes_: Now kith.
Lugiafanatic: Thtop making fun of lithpth!
duckvimes_: Thorry.
Lugiafanatic: I thaid thtop it!
| 10 | 27.2 | |
1402258659 | 1402341537 | t3_27n3kv | t5_2to41 | 7 | MAsdbsAM: TIFU by naively assuming hotels don't charge for calls out of the hotel.
So I recently got a job and am stuck up in a hotel for a bit. Without my first paycheck my bank account is getting low. There's nothing to do really but hang out until I find my own place. Maybe 10 days ago, shortly before I left home, I got lucky with an friend from home. Since then we've been texting and snap chatting which keeps things interesting.
This weekend she drunk dialed me 2 nights in a row. Having had a couple beers myself things were getting heated and we "talked" for a couple hours each night. Me being a cheap-o my minutes were running low and I ran out in the middle of our talk. I figured why not call from the hotel phone. Great thinking, right?
This morning I talked to the front desk and the told me I owed $200 for the phone bill. I stared the clerk in the eyes, "Are you kidding me???"
Getting charged for using the phone honestly didn't cross my mind being the first time I've actually used a hotel phone. Now I feel like a jackass cause I'm freekin idiot. F***!!!
devals: Make a stink about it.
Make a HUGE stink about it. Act super indignant (but not aggressive or rude). Ask to speak to the manager. See what can be done. Were the phone charges clearly listed? Any other extenuating circumstances you can think of?
Remind them that your company set you up there, say it was a work call, you expect to give them repeat business blah blah.
I work at a (nice) hotel, and we can easily remove those charges (they almost never come up, everyone uses a cell phone these days, so they were probably wondering what to do about it in the first place. I've never seen it quite as high as $200, but when they have come up, and the guest complained, we removed them every time). YMMV, so don't get yourself kicked out, but don't just lie back and take it, either. At LEAST try to get the charges reduced/be compensated for the massively unpleasant experience.
MAsdbsAM: Thanks for the advice, but is it too late now that I checked out this morning? The calls were Friday and Saturday (today's Monday). I talked with the clerk for a minute asking if theres anyything she can do, but it didn't seem hopeful. But there was nothing on or near the phone stating anytype of calling rate, so theres that.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1402259343 | 1402503683 | t3_27n4kg | t5_2to41 | 802 | Edgingidiot: TIFU by edging multiple times then proceeding to have sex
Okay so I had to have a throwaway because I didn't want people I know knowing about this just yet.
So I wake up this morning and I'm moderately horny, not enough to wank but enough for something, anyway to prepare for orange is the new black I binged on season 1 and when I woke up this morning all I could think about was edging.
Anyway when I'm flaccid I can still masturbate, it's weird as fuck but I can do it lying on my stomach... ANYWAY, I decide to try it. For those who have never heard of edging it's when you masturbate up to the point where you think you're almost close then you stop. You just stop.
So I do it once, great... Then again, better. Then each time it was better and felt greater. I must have done it between 8-10 times? I lost count I just knew by the last time it was two seconds long.
About two minutes after my last time my ex-friend benefits texts me and asks me to go round so I decide to shower and I proceed to walk the 5 minute walk to his house.
The foreplay was great, but each time when I thought I was going to finish, he'd stop. He's great like that! Anyway we go to bed and start full anal, amazing! We keep going and he has a thing were I can't wank until he's close (basically because when something is in me I can cum in 2 seconds lol) anyway he's fucking me (missionary) and hits *that* sweet spot and I explode.
It was like glazed icing was spat out of an elephant's trunk, it was everywhere. That's not my fuck up though.
No my fuck up was jolting forward hitting my nose on his forehead so hard he falls out of me, onto the floor and is unconscious, due to the pain of having a dick pulled out of me at such speed I can't go to him, I'm also dizzy from the greatest orgasm man has ever seen, my nose is broke and pouring with blood, I see the blood and proceed to faint.
The next thing I know his roommate is in the room freaking out at the amount of cum and blood and two unconscious gays in her apartment (she was at work and got off early) we then had to bring my fwb round and take him the walk in, and I got my nose bandaged.
I have never been more humiliated than I was the moment that I see this 21 year old girl who I've met twice in my life crying and waking us up, whilst covered in cum and blood
**tl;dr**: edged about 10 times, had sex, had a huge orgasm, head butted someone, knocked them off the bed, they hit their head became unconscious whilst I fainted from the orgasm and blood and the came round to his roommate crying over us.
Edit: some people are confused as to how gay sex works in missionary [here](http://i.imgur.com/5Fk8LyH.jpg) is a crudely drawn diagram, the blue is the top (giver) the red is the bottom (receiver) **SOMEWHAT NSFW**
FishPaste231: the jerking has gone too far, support gays? that's fine, but why are you against people that are intrinsically uncomfortable with this? i would simply ask for it to be stated that this is a gay story, so i that i could avoid reading it. is that too disrespectful to gay people or something? you guys are so fucked in the head it's not even funny.
Cyber_Fetus: You really shouldn't be allowed to interact with the rest of the population.
FishPaste231: Making a blank statement without any reasoning, supported by the 3 upvotes, bet you feel like you know all now don't you? give it a rest, you're just as brainless as the other ignorant lot.
Cyber_Fetus: the jerking has gone too far, support douchebags? that's fine, but why are you against people that are intrinsically uncomfortable with this? i would simply ask for it to be stated that this is a douchebag post, so i that i could avoid reading it. is that too disrespectful to douchebag people or something? you are so fucked in the head it's not even funny.
FishPaste231: that doesn't even make sense, i'm the one who has a problem with gay stories, does he also have a problem with simply posting "gay story" as a warning to those who are uncomfortable? don't even try to justify your position, you're already contradicting your own morals.
and judging by your comment, of simply paraphrasing what i said and altering certain words, you're obviously not capable of thinking up your own arguments. i pity you and your stupidity, i truly do.
Cyber_Fetus: It makes me uncomfortable that you have such a problem with homosexuality that you consider people "fucked in the head" for not including a TW on a gay story, so my point was that it's hypocritical of you to not include a TW in your post warning of the fact that the your post would contain bigotry. Should all stories involving heterosexuality include a TW if those stories make homosexuals uncomfortable? Or asexuals? Or bisexuals? Or are all those "normal" heterosexual stories okay because they agree with your sexual preference?
FishPaste231: my "fucked in the head" comment wasn't referring to the lack of a TW by the OP, it was directed towards the people who would downvote anything that mentions the fact that this is a gay story, as if it were seen as an insult. majority of those people who do mention it are simply uncomfortable with it. but you guys downvote them as if they should not be.
and no, not all stories should include a TW, but specifically heterosexual ones, why? it's not because it just flows with my preference, it is the norm. the fact of the matter is majority of people are straight, and you just have to accept that whether you like it or not. but let's take another thought, if every gay story had a TW, then that would be a clear indicator of what is safe for the gay people to read, is it not? or would you rather the less efficient way and have all hetero content be marked instead? because there's no way you're gonna have everyone be able to accept them both. so now the question is, what would be the matter of stating a TW (whatever the fuck that stands for cos google isn't working) on gay posts? you dislike the distinction? or.. what? seems like you have some sort of logical answer, enlighten me.
Cyber_Fetus: The point is that having a warning on posts containing anything gay implies that there's something wrong with homosexuality. The fact that there are more straight than gay people doesn't make being straight any better, just as the fact that there are more Chinese than English doesn't make being Chinese any better.
FishPaste231: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/27u6fz/tifu_by_having_an_orgasm_at_the_nail_salon/
you see the first line of the post? how much did that hurt your pride people? i'm being too unreasonable? lol, don't make me laugh, this pretty much contradicts what you guys are being so arrogant about. so now what, you gonna tell the OP "you don't need to include 'lesbian' in your post, otherwise we won't be able to justify our gay pride enough"?
suck it.
oh and as a disclaimer, i don't actually have a problem with lesbians in particular, but perhaps other people do. idk, i just appreciate subtle warnings on content that may possibly offend people.
Cyber_Fetus: What? Just because she mentioned that it was a gay story doesn't mean it should be *forced*. You're still missing the entire point.
> suck it.
How dare you post soliciting gay oral sex from me without including a warning.
FishPaste231: >What? Just because she mentioned that it was a gay story doesn't mean it should be forced
it doesn't, this is more supporting the idea that there is nothing wrong with such warning being stated, which is contrary to what you have said, yeah? it doesn't directly support my ideal of having such warnings being forced, but if there is nothing wrong with it, then why the fuck not? could it be that you enjoy the fact that there are people out there, uncomfortable and irritated by what you consider a harmless post?
joke's on you.
Cyber_Fetus: > this is more supporting the idea that there is nothing wrong with such warning being stated, which is contrary to what you have said, yeah?
No, I've been saying it's wrong to force people to include a warning that their story involves homosexuality, which is wrong. The writer of the lesbian post wasn't forced to do that. She chose to do so for however she wanted to get her story across.
> it doesn't directly support my ideal of having such warnings being forced, but if there is nothing wrong with it...
It becomes wrong when you force people to include it. Holy shit you are dense.
> could it be that you enjoy the fact that there are people out there, uncomfortable and irritated by what you consider a harmless post?
This doesn't even make sense.
> joke's on you.
You're a child. I'm done with this.
FishPaste231: >The point is that having a warning on posts containing anything gay implies that there's something wrong with homosexuality.
this is the reason you provided for why it's wrong. the post i linked you contradicts this reason. it's as simple as that.
>She chose to do so for however she wanted to get her story across.
i don't give a fuck what her intentions were for stating that she's lesbian, it served the purpose of a warning. you twat.
>It becomes wrong when you force people to include it.
acknowledging that there are people not comfortable with your content, and providing them with a friendly warning is wrong? you have the logic of a headless chicken.
| 14 | 57.285714 | |
1402260876 | 1402261790 | t3_27n6rt | t5_2to41 | 17 | suraj182: TIFU by essentially telling a random person they're dressed like a slut
First off this is my first post on here so...yeah, might be a little unstructured and whatnot.
Anyway, for the past week, I've been visiting my friend at her uni halls. We're close enough in the sense that we have no boundaries, we'll always say whatever's on our minds to each other. The night before I was leaving, her flatmate also had some friends come over as there's an outdoor festival this weekend which they're all going to. Unfortunately I never got a chance to get to know these friends because we never spent any time together, so I had no idea what they looked like.
So today (well, yesterday, but for the sake of the subreddit we'll say today), we were all getting ready to go back home while they were heading off for that festival. It was a shitty, rainy, cold day and my friend came into the room we were sleeping in to see how we were and to tell us she was gonna go get ready.
About 10 mins later, she walks back in wearing nothing but a raincoat and wellies. If she was wearing shorts or anything underneath, I couldn't see cause she wasn't facing me. So me being me, I said to her 'Is that all you're gonna wear? Look how cold it is out, you're gonna freeze, stop dressing like a slag'. Then she turns around and I find out it's not my friend but it's actually one of the girls visiting who I hadn't met, she just has an almost identical figure to my friend. For the first time in my life, I was rendered speechless. Eventually I just said 'oh...I thought you were my friend. Sorry.' and there was an awkward silence for a good few minutes before she left.
Eventually, my friend (actually her), came in and said 'did you tell one of the girls she looks like a slag?'. I just had to nod and explain. Before we left, I saw her again and I didn't have the heart to bring it up so I just wished her a good trip and ran away.
Thankfully I never have to see the girl again and she apparently said to my friend that it was just really awkward but she wasn't offended which is a relief. Moral of the story is, always ensure you're calling the right girl a slag.
dolphinesque: How about not calling any girl a slag?
suraj182: Oh yeah, that too. But ideally definitely not a random person.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1402266774 | 1402343415 | t3_27nfds | t5_2to41 | 72 | this_aint_good: TIFU by unknowingly hooking up with my girlfriend's father a month before I started dating her.
Obviously this didn't actually happen today, but here goes. I'm a bisexual guy, and I've been dating my girlfriend for about 2 months now. Skip back about 3 months and I'd been hooking up with an older guy a few times. Anyway, after a short period of not hooking up with him I met a girl at my school who I was interested in and eventually asked her out. It was all going pretty great until about 2 weeks after our first date when she was showing me pictures from a trip she went on with her family. I saw the guy I'd been hooking up with before and it turns out he's her dad... Obviously I did my best to hide my reactions, and she doesn't even know I'm bi. A few days after that I sent an awkward text to her dad to give him a heads up, but I can't see this whole situation ending well.
icecreamsalads: Your girlfriend should probably know you're bisexual, dude.
billiardwolf: Why? If op is clean and faithful she has no need to know.
aido727: If op is clean then he doesn't need to hide anything...
icecreamsalads: Hiding something that huge in a relationship? That's not ok. Not everyone is comfortable with that. And on top of that he's hiding that he SLEPT with her DAD. How can you not see what's wrong with all of that?
SurelyOPwillDeliver: No where in OP's post does it say "slept" or "sex" ... Hooking up is the terminology used, and until further clarification is provided, it is best not to jump to conclusions.
He has been dating this girl for only 2 months, OP should only disclose something so personal when he feels comfortable sharing such information and when he trusts her to own his secrets too.
icecreamsalads: I'm sorry, but doing anything sexual with someone's parent should always be disclosed. And, there are some people that would not be ok with dating someone bisexual. Even if they're totally tolerant of that.
SurelyOPwillDeliver: I hear you man, no need to be sorry. Either way, its a seriously tough call. I agree with you in the point that any sort of sexual activity with a SO's parents should definitely be disclosed.
This is where the trouble is tho because it's impossible to reveal one without the other in this situation. Thus, OP is in a brutal spot.
icecreamsalads: OP is in a tough spot. Totally. I just feel for the girl, because when this comes out it is going to hurt. And the longer he keeps it from her, the bigger the betrayal. Let's just hope OP handles it justly and takes her feelings into account as well.
| 9 | 8 | |
1402271029 | 1402274486 | t3_27nlb1 | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting an entire bottle of laundry detergent in the dryer with my clothes
I went to the laundromat, washed my clothes, and put the clothes back into my laundry bin. I used this to transport all my clothes to the dryer, where I just proceeded to dump everything in.
I forgot that my laundry soap container was in the bin when I put my clothes on top of it.
I look back into the dryer about 15 minutes later, and see a green plastic container in there...wtf? Oh, shit.
So I open it up, hoping the lid is still on it... nope. The entire bottle is empty (was almost full, though it was a smaller sized container).
I was about to just throw everything in the washer again to rinse the soap out, but somehow just one tshirt took most the soap... (it was green). So I just tossed it and finished the drying... I probably should have thrown them in the washer again, I am probably going to get a rash/cancer from the chemicals wearing these clothes. The bottle just says avoid contact with eyes...
So my clothes smell a little funny now, some of the white stuff has splashes of green coloration on it, but I guess it could have been worse.
[deleted]: Don't feel bad. I once washed an entire box of krispy kreme donuts with my clothes. I bought a box and didn't want the kids to eat it so thought if I hid it in the empty washer they wouldn't find them. Later that night I forgot about them. Threw my black work uniform in along with one of those detergent pods and walked away. Complete disaster.
yadag: Eh, it's for the better. You probably shouldn't be eating an entire box of Krispy Kreme donuts by yourself anyway
Edit: spelled Krispy Kreme wrong
[deleted]: Well I would have shared. Eventually. I think. My kids have a habit of raiding the fridge when I'm not around. If I didn't hide the good stuff it would be gone.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1402269171 | 1402357190 | t3_27nioa | t5_2to41 | 53 | KatyJessica: TIFU by getting my period
So yesterday I was at a theme park here in Britain, (Alton Towers). And I'd made the mistake of choosing to wear my white shorts.
It was a few hours into the fun of the day that me and my friends decided to go on 'The Smiler', (a rollercoaster). I sat on the ride, front row. The ride stops half way for a few seconds. At this break, I thought that I felt a little funny, and not the rollercoaster adrenaline rush kind of funny.
As the ride got the the end, and I stood up to get off the ride, I heard instant chuckles behind me. At first I didn't think much about this. It was about five minutes later that my friend told me I had red all over the back of my bright white shorts. My face went as red as my shorts as I ran to find the nearest toilets. I got to the toilets and realised why I'd felt funny on the ride. I'd gotten my period.
I quickly tied my hoodie around my waist and went back to the hotel I was staying in. (as the theme park has hotels).
I got a tampon and changed into my -so as to avoid another accident- red jeans. When I had gotten over the horror of the incident, I was finally able to join my friends again.
Luckily not too many people had noticed my accident so I wasn't too embarrassed, but a few people giggled as they walked past me.
It's fair to say that it was the most eventful trip to Alton Towers I have ever had. But it won't stop me from going back there!
Ja-air-ed: Wait, hold up, so women do not know when they got their period until it is too late?
Why hasn't someone made some sort of clock to tell this?
Thesilverferret: It's different woman to woman. Some women have very regular periods and can track it down to the last second. Others have irregular ones and can vary cycle to cycle. My own lovely period varies month to month so I can barely track it.
As for actually feeling it, sometimes women can depending on heavy the flow is or if cramps are assaulting our uterus
Ja-air-ed: Ahhhh.
Well, that sucks.
KatyJessica: Right now and along with the duration of mine, the period is mutilating my uterus with a damn chainsaw!
redwalrus11: That mental image made my uterus give out a little cry of fear.
KatyJessica: Not surprised aha
| 7 | 7.571429 | |
1402260408 | 1402286451 | t3_27n631 | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by wearing breakaway shorts.
7th grade, gym class. This year they started making us 'dress out' in shorts and t-shirts. Right around this time, I've become a fan of the freedom offered by not wearing underwear, and it is grand.
One day, without thinking it through, I bring breakaway shorts (i.e. with buttons on the sides) to change into for class. Naturally, flag football is that day's activity.
So we head out onto the field for our game. It is a beautiful day. The sun is shining; I distinctively remember a cool breeze. The girl's gym class walks the track around field while we play.
I deliberately avoid the ball most of the game. We have about 10 minutes left to play and our QB sends me a pass. I *tried* to drop it but the pass was too perfect to play it off. So I bolt for the endzone, with (I'll call him) Nick's bitch ass chasing me. So I run it in and we all cheer, but fucking Nick is compelled to complete his defensive duty and take my flag.
You know what fucking happened. Goddamn Nick grabbed a fistful of flag and shorts, and with a seriously unnecessary flourish ripped it all away.
So everyone is laughing. Girls on the track are bumping into other girls who stopped to laugh. I'm struggling to cover up and get my shorts back at the same time, but *fucking Nick* plays keep-away. The coach eventually makes him give me my shorts, but the damage was done. My entire underworld had been illuminated.
Fucking Nick gets everyone to call me Commando for weeks. The story spreads and I try to say that I was wearing underwear and that he ripped those off too, but who am I fucking kidding.
It isn't so bad now, but super embarrasing at the time. As with many fuck-ups, there was a silver lining. Debra, the goth girl with inexplicable and intimidating sexual maturity, was apparently super turned on when she heard I didn't wear underwear. A couple years later we met at a party. I wore underwear by then, which disappointed her a bit, but she still rocked my world.
Tl;dr: De-pantsed in gym while commando. Ended up getting a story and a blowjob out of it. 8/10, would be humiliated again.
cessairlives: ... wow, that kid should have gotten some sort of disciplinary action for sexual harassment. Taking your shorts might have been an accident in the first place, but intentionally refusing to give them back afterward? What a douchecanoe.
whalezzzzZz: OP should've stolen his shorts too.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1402273854 | 1402286090 | t3_27npal | t5_2to41 | 4 | throwawaymyspleen: TIFU by threatening my housemates with a lawsuit if they didn't clean the mold in the bathroom.
ChrisCooke16: "Interesting legal stuff could happen"
In terms of your house being shut down in order to be clean. If it doesn't comply to campus code of health, your house can be shut down until it is capable of adhering to those standards again.
(Even if that isn't true, it sounds like it. Solid "What I really meant was..." method of solving that situation.)
throwawaymyspleen: The house is off-campus...
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1402272363 | 1402309830 | t3_27nn61 | t5_2to41 | 4 | InsaneLazyGamer: TIFU by touching my man stick after cutting chilli
I was cutting chilli for dinner eventually finished and had some time to spare so i started watching TV when low and behold my my dong starts to itch and i casually reach into my scrotum jacket and scratched my dingy.Never has such pain been felt!!!!!Oh my brothers ,restrain from scratching that pain!!!Ditch that itch !!!!Never scratch your hatch!!!!Dont tickle your pickle or wring your ding.Its still burning !!!! also On another note, after some research ive learnt it is not entirely uncommon for a man to soak his dick in milk through the course of his life.
yadag: Man stick, dong, scrotum jacket, dingy, pickle.... What's wrong with penis. I'd rather read penis than all these metaphors for penis.
Hectooo: Don't be a dick
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1402280319 | 1402328513 | t3_27nxzh | t5_2to41 | 139 | most_horrible_person: TIFU by sending my mom to the emergency room, twice.
On Friday evening, while I was out of town, my mom was taken to the emergency room due to extreme shortness of breath and anxiety. After several hours and several tests, the doctors sent her home and summed the cause up as stress or anxiety (which there has been a history of). They told her to take it easy and take her asthma medication.
Today as I arrive back from my vacation, I get a shocking phone call from my father. My mom was apparently out shopping with my uncle and all of a sudden having similar symptoms as to the attack that occurred Friday evening! My uncle called an ambulance and she was again taken to the hospital. He followed suit in her vehicle with his two kids. I went straight to the hospital and really hoped what the doctors had said was correct, that the issue was psychosomatic and that they couldn’t find anything wrong. This being the second time this occurs in two days, the doctors decided to run a longer series of tests and she will be staying there for several hours. I was tasked with taking her car home with the kids as they was no reason for a group of people to stay at this point.
On the way home in the car, as I ponder on the issue, I noticed a familiar looking bag on the panel between the seats. As I began to wonder why this bag looks so familiar, my stomach began to sink. I look inside and there are the remnants of what was my newly purchased bag of fucking marijuana pretzels!
Holy shit! A day or two before I left for my trip, I bought this bag of pretzels from my local dispensary. As soon as I get home I rush to my room to find that it had been cleaned and that the pretzels I had purchased were missing from my jacket where I had left them! As it turns out, she had taken them from my jacket as a snack on Friday and left them in her car, munching away as she went. She didn’t leave the home Saturday, but it seems she ate some more on her shopping trip today. These pretzels are incredibly potent, however, they are also incredibly delicious. Eating an entire bag in what was essentially two sitting will definitely have you elevated.
To top it all off, my mother has never been drunk or taken drugs ever in her life. She is fairly religious and abstains from even the smallest sip of wine, let alone marijuana. The horrible feeling I have right now will last for some time. I feel highly irresponsible and am patiently waiting for her and my father to return with the hope that they would somehow understand the error in my ways.
tl;dr I sent my mom to the emergency room TWICE because she accidentally ate my edibles.
Proper_: Third times a charm? ^I'm^so^sorry
But really, hope she's doing good and you have a backup for playing it off in case she questions it.
most_horrible_person: Proper comment, thanks for the kind words but I rather have them not think there's actually something wrong so I just went ahead and admitted what happened.
SatanMD: How did they react?
most_horrible_person: Well, I was speaking to my mom and basically walked her through what she was experiencing. She was comforted by knowing I knew exactly what she was going through and wasn't really in the position to get angry (I suppose)..
My dad does what he always hsa since I was a child, the shame talk. Man, he'll make you feel so bad you'd wish he'd yell or smack you or something. Instead, he likes to make you hurt from the inside.
SatanMD: Bummer. Maybe she should stop stealing food.
| 6 | 23.166667 | |
1402274744 | 1402345676 | t3_27nqgl | t5_2to41 | 33 | SmellsWeirdRightNow: TIFU by downloading the iOS 8 beta onto my iPhone
So the fuck up wasn't that I downloaded the beta, but one of the features led to it. The new voice message SMS feature, specifically.
I'm just chilling with my friend, and this girl that I was taking to a concert in exchange for a free ticket to the show texts me saying, "Hey I have another free ticket if you know anyone cool that you want to bring."
This was pretty cool, however I can't even go after what I did next. Holding my phone in my hand, I casually said to my friend, "Hey man are you cool with Chloe?" (They were FWB for a while a couple months ago, but she was cray so he dropped that shit)
"Yeah, I mean I can chill with her if she's cool with it. I don't particularly like her though."
"Well she just texted me and said she has another free ticket to that show."
"I'm down man."
"If you just ignore her as much as I do you'll be fine," I said.
Then I looked at my phone, and I had sent her a voice message. *Oh fuck*. We listened to it, and it caught our whole conversation. She replied with "..."
Well, now I can't go to that show...
AsstarMcButtNugget: Okay, here you go:
"If you just ignore her as much as I do, you'll just be fine" can have two opposite meanings.
1. "If you increase the amount by which you ignore her, then you'll be able to hang out with her without going crazy." Clearly this is what you meant, but:
1. Your problem with Chloe is that you ignore her too much. If you were to ignore her as much as I do (which is very little), then you two would be just fine.
If you can believe in #2, then you can sell it to her. You may have to slip her the D just to make your cover story good.
Edit: formatting
SmellsWeirdRightNow: It was #1. She really is crazy and annoying, but I totally would've taken that free ticket. We would only have to deal with her for the ride there and back, we could just ditch her once we got the show because she was bringing other people
AstralApe: I don't know her, so I can't say if she is crazy or not
but from what you posted I can tell that you are a douche. If you don't want to hang out with her don't use her as a "free ticket", she offered the ticket to you so that she can hang out with you.
SmellsWeirdRightNow: She offered me a ticket for the ride, actually; she is bringing her own friends. The show is today and they had another extra yesterday and they figured that might as well just give it away instead of throwing it out.
| 5 | 6.6 | |
1402292584 | 1402297293 | t3_27ocvm | t5_2to41 | 20 | SmashedMySmash: TIFU my best friend's favorite game.
So I have these two friends with whom I enjoy gathering around every now and then to play some Smash. One of them, let's call him Jay, owns the Wii we play on and the copy of Super Smash Brothers Brawl, and we installed Project M a while ago. Jay happens to be my best friend.
I'm not as good as them and I usually get my ass kicked, so I asked to borrow his Wii and the game, so I could practice at home and maybe have a chance to beat them.
Last night I spent the night at my SO's house, and I brought the game and some controllers to play with her and her brothers. Well the game didn't load correctly, and we had a lot of trouble playing it because it kept freezing mid-battle. I thought the problem was the SD card Project M is stored in, so I took it out. And played *almost* normally. (The disk was already slightly damaged, to the point that it couldn't load Kirby, Ike or Ganondorf.)
Now that I'm home, I tried playing it again, but it kept freezing again and again. Then I realized what the problem was. It wasn't the SD card, it was the game. The Smash Brawl disk. So, in my rage, I took out the disk and, well...punched it. About 3 times.
And I broke it. The goddamn thing is **fucking broken in half**.
I don't have the money to buy another copy, wat the fuck do I do?!
witchling_22: It's only $30. You don't have even that?
SmashedMySmash: College student, currently looking for a job. So no :(
witchling_22: Time to grovel to the parental units. The *only* honorable thing left to do is replace it.
Munqaxus: And stop borrowing stuff until you are mature enough to treat it better.
| 5 | 4 | |
1402245879 | 1402580861 | t3_27mlol | t5_2to41 | 23 | testykleez: TIFU by standing up too quickly
So this actually happened this morning...well late last night, 2:30 AM. (Saturday night/Sunday Morning)
A few friends and I were in the hot tub after having more than a couple of drinks. We had a good evening, supper out, drinks at home, board games, cards against humanity etc.
We decided it was time to get in the house owners hot tub. It was about 12:00 and it sounded like fun. so we all poured a couple more drinks and got in.
We decided tonight was a good night for freeballing in the tub. So jets were on, no one cared. Other than some hot girl and a gay guy saw my junk. Made for some awkward eye contact after the fact.
We were hanging out when my bladder got the better of me. I found my shorts, put them on and got out of the hot tub. Went inside to relieve myself and felt funny. I suddenly got very warm, my head started to spin, my eyes glazed over, everything went dark and i woke up on the floor, head crooked against the wall, bump on my forehead, splitting headache and my hand/arm in the toilet.
Now I have a nice bruise/bump on my forehead, a bruise on my arm and some more bumps in my hair line. Worst part, I look like I was in a bar fight, and I have a big meeting with a new potential client tomorrow morning.
TLDR; Spent too much too much time in a hot tub. Didn't allow for temperature adjustments, blacked out and now i have bruises and bumps on my forehead, big meeting in the morning with a prospective client.
entropy_and_enthalpy: Could have been something else FYI. Did you throw up? Sometimes there is a thin layer of chlorine gas (or bromine gas, depending on what they use) that is close to the surface and if your head is close to the water for an extended period of time, you lungs will adjust to the alternate air mixture. Then, when you stand up and get fresh air, you inadvertently drive a lot more oxygen into your system = freebie! or head wheelie. It can be worse, like verge of poisoning, causing vomiting. [i'm a chemist]
Gaius-JuliusCaesar: do you cook meth? you sound like someone I know
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1402289434 | 1402335893 | t3_27o9ea | t5_2to41 | 25 | electricbluegrass: tifu by pushing my sister-in-law to the ground
Before we get started, I would like to state that it was a complete accident, it doesn't make it right, but I honestly did not mean to.
For background sake I will give you guys an idea of who my SIL is. Her only real friend is her live in boyfriend, of whom she started living with only two weeks into their relationship. All of her friends from high school have either moved, married, or told her they don't want to be around her anymore. She has a pretty nasty attitude because she has a rare skin condition that many people look at her weird for, and her main defense is to point out others flaws before they can point out hers. She always has to be in the right, and even if she clearly isn't she will make your life hell if you do not agree that she is.
She also has a nasty habit of wanting whatever it is you have. Anytime I buy a movie, and she sees that it is new, she asks if she can barrow it, even if you haven't watched it yourself. I once had a TV I was trying to sell, and when I said no she couldn't have it (she could pay for it if she wanted, but not just have it), she proceeded to wine and complain to my SO until my poor SO was so sick of hearing about it that she begged me to just give the TV to her sister. When she gave the TV back a year later, it was completely broken, and there was no way I could sell it then.
Anyway, Today was the day of my best friends' baby shower. They are good people so they thought it polite to invite my sister-in-law, since as mentioned before she has no friends. I already was not thrilled about this, because it meant I couldn't just hang out with my friends, I also had coddle my SIL. Since it was a baby shower they had a few games, one of which was to decorate a bib for each special event in the baby's life. In my group of friends, I am the one known for throwing the Halloween parties, and my SIL knows this since she has been to one or two. She immediately said, "I call Halloween!" and gave me a big shit eating grin. I said, "[Name], You know Halloween is my thing, can't you take something else?" To which she replied, "No, I called it, its mine." With that she ran over to write it down on the the sheet. Now, I should have just been the adult in this situation and picked something else, but unfortunately I was not. I ran over to the table with the sign up sheet and proceeded to wrestle to write down my name under Halloween.
I managed to write my name first but she shoved me out of the way and started to cross my name out. Now up until this point, it was just a childish game the both of us were engaged in, but when she shoved me, my first reaction is to shove back. I have probably a good 75 pounds on her, and am significantly stronger, so when I shoved back, it floored her to the ground.
This must have been extremely painful and embarrassing for her because when she got up, she immediately started crying and yelling at my SO about how much of a child I am, and ran to the bathroom. I wish I could say I felt bad right then, but I didn't. A part of me felt good, because I finally didn't just lie there and take her shit, like everyone else in her life does. At that moment, I felt justified because I just wanted one thing in my life that she couldn't shoehorn her way into. They were my friends and she was only there because of me anyway.
That moment quickly faded when I turned around everyone was looking at me like the monster I was. Worst of all my poor SO was mortified, and horribly embarrassed by the way her husband was acting toward her sister. And in front of friends, no less. I tried apologizing to my SIL before she left the party, but she didn't want to hear it, and now I am rightfully in the dog house with my SO.
On top of all of this, word has probably already reached my mother-in-law who already does not like me that much (lets put it this way, she worships the ground that my SIL's boyfriend walks on, and they have only been together for a few months, where I have been married to my SO for three years).
I have no idea how to make this up to my SO, or how to make things right if my SIL doesn't want to accept my apology.
TLDR; Today I accidentally shoved my SIL to the ground because a game got out of hand, and she's kind of a bitch.
EDIT: Because of grammers
Firevenge007: Why do people write SO all the time now?
electricbluegrass: That is a good question. I thought it was just what you were supposed to do on reddit.
Shitmybad: It's confusing. I thought you were a woman the whole time until you described how you're the husband right near the end.
electricbluegrass: I can see that.
| 5 | 5 | |
1402296836 | 1402329971 | t3_27ogy5 | t5_2to41 | 28 | sailhatan333: TIFU by putting my used pair of crusty panties back in the drawer
This actually started a few days ago.
I sleep on a mattress on the floor, right next to my vanity/drawers. this is relevant. Anyhow, on this particular night, I was having trouble sleeping. I had just shaved the lady bits, with a cheap razor, so it was hella itchy. And the panties being two day old and crusty from serious discharge was so not helping. So reach over ,not even sitting up, to my lingerie drawer and pull out a fresh pair of panties. But wait. the dirty clothes basket is too far! oh well, I'll just put this nasty pair in here, I'll remember tomorrow morning. Right?
Today.
Hooking up with guy. Fun times over, need to clean up. Panties are once again soiled. Ask guy to reach into drawer and fetch a new pair.
"The fuck?"
Oh.
tl;dr: I made bachelorette frog proud
Mmm_Booze: >crusty from serious discharge
For some reason I think you should check into this. Serious discharge sounds serious.
mythrowawayresponse: seriously hot!
BF should have played it cool and slid your crusty panties into his pocket...
Mmm_Booze: And by pocket you mean her mouth right? Round two!
| 4 | 7 | |
1402288610 | 1402316452 | t3_27o8hl | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating
Back story- I have two pet rats and their cage is in my room. I always keep the door closed so my cat doesn't wander in and mess with them. I also have a 11 year old little sister who loves these rats and sneaks in whenever she can to play with them.
Well, I had just gotten out of the shower and was laying on my bed. I've been feeling gross and sickly these past few days and a warm shower made me feel loads better. So I start feeling frisky. My ipod is conveniently laying on my bed so I decide to find some.. material and ahead and jerk it. I think by now you can imagine what's about to happen next. Just as I was getting started, my sister opens the door. I heard it creak and I told her to get out, but she didn't listen and said "huh?" So I had to scatter to grab my towel and cover myself. She looks in and had a pretty startled look on her face. Thank god she didn't say anything and just closed the door and walked away. I never did finish.
TLDR; Almost got caught whacking it by my little sister
UnkelBewger: You need to smear the finished product all over the outside door knob so her hand slips off every time she tries to get in. Either that, or feed it to the rats so they get big and strong and lose their appealing cuteness. Whatever jism is left over afterwards you can package and sell as Jimmy Jam. There's no problem you can't fix with Jimmy Jam!
Doomster666: wat
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1402298783 | 1402309502 | t3_27oila | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU via snapchat cockpic [NSFW]
Yes reddit, I'm back here with more sexual misfortune... Me and this girl from school whom I barely know but occasionally snapchat started sending me some flirty snapchats (by that I mean videos of her winking with flirty captions and some photos of her body) and urging me to send her a shirtless photo. I oblige, I'm not ripped but I have a decent fit physique so why not right? I do so and she keeps complimenting me and saying she wants another so I up the stakes and say: "I send you something a bit naughtier and you lose the top", sounds sensible to me and she replies affirmatively. I get to it, making myself hard and taking a mirror pic, cock out, abs flexed. Hit send. Wait. She opens the snap. "OMG YOU ACTUALLY SENT IT!!! YOU PERV!!!" Cue freakout.
Now, I'm freaking out and all of a sudden I get a screenshot notification. That's where I have my doubts, it was a few minutes later so, unless she replayed my snap, she probably took a screenshot of the conversation, not the pic itself but I'm still freaking out. I wasn't expecting this reaction, she seemed receptive and everything. She says she cut me from facebook, snapchat and her phone contacts.
If anyone can make sense of her reaction please share your thoughts with me...
[deleted]: Seems like you got screwed over. If your face isn't in the Screenshot you have nothing to worry about.
[deleted]: It isn't, my Ipad was covering my face
Applebomb511: Yeah youre are still not safe :/ sorry to be the one to say but how long have you been on this reddit cause anyone that's been on here for more than a week would know better
| 4 | 2 | |
1402300459 | 1402337667 | t3_27ojv3 | t5_2to41 | 9 | Chevron2: TIFU by mixing SSRI antidepressants with Alcohol
This didn't happen today, as I'm not 5 days removed from the last incident. But for the last 5 months I have been prescribed 40mg Celexa (Serotonin balancer for anxiety and mild depression). I have developed a couple of side effects, particularly feeling lazy or lethargic and no longer being active after my work day. 26 year old male in Bay Area.
Instead I spent my time after work from 4-6 pm drinking craft and micro brews (about 6 beers at 6-8% in a 2 hour period). I used to be a party drinker a couple of years ago in college but I had got my act together the last couple of years and landed a great job. I had become content and lazy on this prescription.
My GF of 4 years would come home around 6pm and I would shower (prolly sneak a beer in the shower and a snack) and once out begin making dinner (always trying to operate like regular while being drunk). Well this is the problem. Being on Celexa or any SSRI and drinking alcohol significantly alters your tolerance for alcohol but you don't often realize this in the process. So I would go next door and buy another 6 pack of craft beers and have it after dinner. (Totaling about 10 beers in a 4 hour period now).
I would wake up with some bad hangovers but be able to clean up nicely in the morning, dress nice, smell good, and put a smile on. (A lot of coconut water for hangover cure). When I would try to remember any details of the evening or the events from the last hours before bed, I felt like I must have blacked out. Well this was the case every time and I just would shrug it off as poor sleep or rough night.
My GF would tell me stories of things I did the previous night and I wouldn't have any recollection. Also, I get very social with this med and alcohol combination and would be Facebook messaging old crushes online, to which I wouldn't remember and would often regret the next day. This continued for 3 months.
My GF finally said enough was enough and we decided to take an extended break. I have since moved out and live nearby sharing a house with a nice sober guy my age. I'm on day 5 of being completely sober and I'm weening off the Celexa because I don't like the side effects, although it did wonders for my anxiety. I learned my lesson not to mix these two items. Its not the person who I am.
TLDR; mixed SSRI med with alcohol consumption regularly, binge of beer format, and it drastically changed the person I am and caused the breakup with my GF of 4 years. I'm getting back on track and am 6 days sober, and moved out to start a new motivating journey.
germancunt: I am taking 40mg of Celexa as well, for the same reasons and I'm about to get kicked out of my dads place, its not official but he said if I keep getting shitfaced and doing stupid stuff while drunk, then I will get kicked out.
I had like 2 Bottles of Whisky last night and I don't remember much. I asked my dad half an hour ago if I misbehaved last night and he said that we need to have a talk and that things can't go on like this.
If you have trouble quitting the alcohol, I recommend /r/stopdrinking.
Chevron2: Great to see the first comment is from you. We are certainly not alone on this. Instead of having to leave your dads house, maybe you both decide to keep alcohol out of the house all together. And inform him of your choice to become sober and ask him to please support you. That's all you can do. I will visit that subreddit, thanks and let's do this.
[deleted]: I completely understand what both of you are struggling with. I have complete conversations with my wife and the next day completely forget what we talked about. I can't quit the Celexa because of serious withdrawal symptoms. I take it for panic attacks. I'm working on the alcohol. Good luck to the both of you.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1402305004 | 1402826264 | t3_27on3d | t5_2to41 | 900 | AcidWater: TIFU by practicing safe sex.
Recently, my SO and I have been getting a lot more serious, and the topic of sex has been brought up more than a few times. Because of this, I figured I could be proactive and buy some condoms to be prepared for when the time came.
I took a trip to my local Target, grabbed the first box I saw and went to the checkout line. That right there is where I fucked up. Not two minutes later, my girlfriend's grandmother walks into the same checkout line that I'm in, and notices me. She gives me a warm grandmotherly smile, and asks "Whatcha gettin', AcidWater?" She looks down, looks back up at me .. And I kid you not. I could literally watch that smile fade into oblivion. She took her cart, pushed it into the next lane, I paid, and left. No other words were exchanged.
I guess my efforts to prove that I'm not such a bad guy has been for nothing.
It's been over 10 hours and I'm still in disbelief of the situation.
kangarooski7: He's 35, she's 14.
ProPuke: How can you be a grandma at 14? ಠ_ಠ
BobVosh: [This, twice](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lina_Medina)
FamousFellah: HOW?!
BobVosh: [Want to see something depressing?](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_youngest_birth_mothers)
Sam_Stewart: Wow Mum-Zi on the list gave birth at 8 and than became a grandmother at 17.
BobVosh: Mum-Zi the mother of Zi will also made the list. If I have a daughter I won't name her Zi.
| 8 | 112.5 | |
1402305762 | 1402385240 | t3_27onlk | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating when my parents were supposedly asleep.
This was actually a few years ago, but I'm still dealing with the consequences today. Back in high school, I would masturbate quite often. Not like 8 times a day, but at least every day, sometimes twice a day. Over time, I went further into the rabbit hole with my porn habits and my fap material became more and more bizarre.
First, I sought out different ways to masturbate, which led me to fucking the cushions of one of my couches. As disgusting as I know that sounds, literally nobody used that couch anymore. I would put an old pair of shorts between the cushions and fuck that, so I didn't get the couch all messy. Once you've resorted to this sort of masturbation, using your hand is like reliving the dark ages. So I would have to wait until there was ample time to masturbate with this technique.
On top of this, the actual porn became too bland. It all seemed the same, and it was a small leap to hentai (it was already on most porn sites). Then I beat the game Starfox Adventures, and got very curious about what the internet had to offer. A few google searches later, and I learned what yiff was, and that I was attracted to furry porn, go figure.
For those of you that aren't very familiar with furry porn, I won't give you a history lesson, apparently a lot of people hate the very idea of it. But what I will say is that compared to normal porn, a large portion of it is gay/bi/ambiguous/herm/etc. Now, at first, that was a problem, but as time passed, the gender sorta stopped mattering because the bodies of the characters were identical with the only difference being the presence or absence of tits/dick, but I digress.
Fast forward a few more months, and I find myself watching fursuit porn, which instead of having a large portion of gay stuff, has a *very* small portion of straight material. It was soon after that that fateful day occurred.
I was SURE my parents were both sleeping. I was certain that I heard both of them snoring before even opening the private browser. Well, while in the middle of fucking my couch to gay, fursuit porn, I hear my mom open her bedroom door behind me. Now, I always had escape plans for when they were coming up the stairs, but was ill-prepared for when they approached from behind me. I closed my laptop, and hurried into my room, to try to hide the boner and do damage control.
I had thought my laptop would go to sleep when closed, but apparently it didn't. I exited my room with my mother inches away from a screen of two male furries, in fursuits, doing missionary. She screamed, others woke up, but quickly went back to bed because it was like 4am, and well, I was fucked. At this point, I came up with a plan to convince her that I was watching some weird youtube video about furries that wasn't porn related. It obviously didn't work.
She, to this day, swears that I'm gay (you probably do too). But here's what's crazy: she doesn't think I'm gay because of the gay furry porn, it's because, in her mind, the couch cushions are like a dude's asshole, which is the feeling I must have been trying to recreate, lolwut?
[deleted]: LOL...how does your mom know what fucking a dudes ass feels like?
[deleted]: What's more, why can't it be a "simulation" of a girl's ass?
CUNTASAURUS_REX: Because it's your mom's couch
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1402305509 | 1402386148 | t3_27onfn | t5_2to41 | 2 | swimlab: TIFU by playing a practical joke on my ex and now I'm being charged with a felony (serious)...
I was drunk and took my baby's Father's laptop and hid it in the desert. Afterwards, I went to retrieve it and forgot where I put it (the desert is a big place). This happened last year end of September, it was in my mind a practical joke but he called the cops and filed a report and now I'm being charged with 2nd degree felony burglary. The state has it Arizona and next month I will be sentenced from probation up to 5 yrs prison.
swimlab: No, just a public defender, sadly (gulp)
Throwmeaway22348: Dont drop the soap.
swimlab: Thank you kindly...
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1402294317 | 1402329065 | t3_27oeks | t5_2to41 | 15 | cryomonk: TIFU by abusing a child in front of her mom & my in-laws
My in-laws were visiting & I took them out shopping. We were at the mall & there was this sketch artist who was making one of those 10 minute portraits.
We strolled over to watch him working & he was sketching a little girl, 5-6 years old. I felt the artist was making a particularly horrible job of it & I whispered to my wife "boy he's sure is fucking this job up". I got no reaction, she tiold me later she didn't hear it.
Now I don't know what came into my head but next thing I said (Almost yelled was "the fuck, it looks the guy is sketching a little monkey". This was followed by a stunned silence as the artist, the child's mom, my in-laws & my wife turned to me looking stunned.
The child then burst into tears & started crying.
The mom, a really heavy lady walks up to me, fuming (rightly so) & proceeds to yell at me for 5 minutes while I stammer an apology about my comment not being about her kid & rather the sketch. The situation is not made any pleasant as a crowd gather around us & some more righteous mothers join in on my gangbang.
Anyway the only thing worse than this was the awkward silence as we left the mall & drove back while I made horrible attempts at small talk which we met by grunts & stares by my wife & in-laws.
TIFU
Frazzydee: Why do people fight so much about this stuff? You're likely never going to see those people at the mall again, nor are they likely to remember you.
You fucked up, so definitely do the best you can to patch it up with the family at the mall. Then learn to control your yapper for next time. But that should be the end of it (other than being the butt of your family's jokes for the next few weeks).
There's no point in family getting mad at each other for stupid mistakes like this. You know it was wrong, and hopefully you learn your lesson. Unless you often run your mouth off, just don't do it next time. It's all good.
Families should spend more time loving each other and enjoying life- we have a very limited time on this earth, and the world would be a better place if everyone tried to spend that time positively.
cryomonk: Yeah, well I cracked a few more jokes about it at breakfast and we all had a good laugh (at my expense of course) and things are much better... will make up to those guys if I ever again run into them
Frazzydee: Great! Glad your family is being cool about it.
I think we all have those momentary lapses of judgment. Doing the right thing all the time is tough. Or maybe it's just us...
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1402311678 | 1402600245 | t3_27os2g | t5_2to41 | 1,631 | Death-Of-Rats: TIFU by making my friends uncle cry
Years ago, but still think about it every now and then.
I was in Cornwall with my friends family, it was a beautiful day so we all decided to go to the beach for some body boarding. Me, my friend and his uncle get to the sea first and all is well.
I see the uncle stood there messing around trying to attach something around his neck. Turns out he had forgotten to take his wedding ring off and was trying to hang it from a chain. I offered to help... After one fiddly attempt my hand slips and the ring falls down his front into the water. There was a horrible plop noise, followed by a loud "NOO!"
I definitely froze a little, if I had been quicker we might have been able to scoop it before any waves hit. Alas after 20 minutes of looking none of us could find it. We decided to walk back, the tide was way out making for a long and awkward journey.
When we got back he had to tell his wife. The rest of the family didn't really know what had happened, I was stood mid way between the family and him and the wife. As he told her he broke into tears. Turns out they are a very sentimental couple.
Haven't actually spoken to them since, they were very nice about it, but I didn't sleep well for a few nights afterwards.
TL;DR, I dropped my friends uncles' wedding ring in the sea and when he told his wife he cried
Edit: clarification that this was years ago, unfortunately can't so much about it anymore
ButterflySammy: You didn't fuck up by making him cry, you fucked up by only spending 20 minutes after you made the idiotic decision to fiddle with something irreplaceable in front of the SEA.
Accidents happen, mistakes happen, but fiddling with a wedding ring on a chain in front of the sea gets you a 10/10 on the avoidable accident scale
Edit: And since rings don't float even in waves the OP needs to rent himself a metal detector, go back and put in a full hour - it will certainly have moved but there's still a decent chance it is within an area you could cover with a metal detector.
p3dal: No kidding, I've spent more than 20 minutes looking for sunglasses I dropped into the ocean.
KennyFulgencio: oooh what kind of sunglasses? link if possible?
p3dal: Haha, why? Do you think you found mine? We should probably narrow it down by ocean, you know, just to be sure they're the right ones. I lost mine in the atlantic.
KennyFulgencio: I like sunglasses, and if you spent 20 minutes looking for yours in the ocean, they must've been pretty keen!
p3dal: They were nothing special, generic round lenses on brown metal frames. Im not much for brands.
KennyFulgencio: But you spent 20 minutes diving for them!
p3dal: Swimming in the ocean isnt that different from swimming in the ocean in search of something.
KennyFulgencio: I can't swim
p3dal: I highly recommend learning. It is great fun.
| 11 | 148.272727 | |
1402313452 | 1402335503 | t3_27otid | t5_2to41 | 19 | Kephri: TIFU, Using my girlfriend's parent's toilet.
Okay, so this was actually about two years ago, but we still have a good laugh at it to this day. So I'll share it.
I dated this girl from my freshman year to senior year of high school; she lived about 5 houses down the street from me. Somewhere in our second year of dating my girlfriend and her parent's kind of just moved me in. My clothes ended up there, my laptop, pretty much all my crap. I was cool with it, in a weird way, like any junior would be. My biggest fear at the time though was the toilet.
I still don't know why, but I used to shit bricks back then. I'm talking like my shit was quite literally.. a brick. It would be perfectly square, and too wide to even fit down the pipe. I remember once, after I shit, I flushed it and it just laughed at me. It sat there, perfectly still, no feces was even washed away by the flush. So after clogging many toilets throughout my life, my parents had purchased a super toilet for me at our house. This thing was the bomb. When it flushed, it was frightening. It didn't do the circular rotation of water and suck things down the drain. This toilet just sucked straight down, almost like an airplane toilet. Never in my life (or still to this day) have I managed to clog that toilet. So let me get back to the story..
I'm at my girlfriend's house. Now I have been staying here for a while and I have a general gauge on how much load her toilet can handle. I sadly have to use the method of pooping, pinching it off, flushing, and repeating until my job is done. Most of the time though there is a plunger I can use to break it up with. I've learned that the powder room (it's a toilet and a sink on the main floor, primarily used for guests) is not the place to poop. The smells confine me to my own death, and it is rude to the guests. Usually I use the upstairs bathroom that belongs to my girlfriend. But today when it comes time, I decided I am going to shit upstairs in her parent's bathroom. The porcelain throne of all toilets. I tell my girlfriend I am going to go take a shower, (forcing me into her parent's bathroom) and that I'll be back in a bit. Not abnormal.
So I turn on the shower, and I plop on the toilet. That day was an uncomfortable day and I can't remember why. I do however, remember vividly, still to this day, how painful my crap was that day. I don't know why either. But it felt wide man, and it came out like a brick. There was no pinching this off. I had to relax my ass just for it to come out, and pinching it was just impossible, I was tearing I was in so much pain. So I finish, and I assess the damage. I quickly realize that this corn filled monstrosity isn't going to flush and reach for the plunger. There is no plunger. Fuck. I am in her parent's bathroom, which is inside their bedroom, where I think one of my girlfriend's brothers are watching TV or something because he didn't feel well. There is no sneaking out for a plunger. So I try to flush it. Most toilets can take 2-3 flushes before the water is too high, and you know you're fucked.
I flush it once, and I see that some of my monster shit (which probably resembles a mold of my anal cavity) actually erodes off the sides in the process. That was a positive result for me. The water did rise a little however, so I knew I would only get a flush or two more. I flush it again. This time, I am disappointed, and nothing comes off the sides. The water rises again as expected, only this time. **It didn't stop.** It kept rising...
The toilet, now full of my shit, and corn, is full. It's nearing the rim. At this point I am panicking. I reach for my towel and I wrap it around the bowl of the toilet. My goal was to prevent the floor from becoming soaked with shit water. It was laminate you know? I then immediately put my boxers and shirt on to go find my girlfriend. I needed a fucking plunger, ASAP.
So I sprint out of the bathroom, and the bedroom and bang on her door. She refuses to come out. She thinks that since her whole family is downstairs and we are alone upstairs, that I am trying to have my way with her. I remember repeatedly saying. "it's fucking serious, open the door." and.. "Where the fuck is the plunger". At this point she opens the door laughing, and we both walk into her parent's bathroom to assess the current level of damage.
**It took way to long.**
We open the bathroom door (that I strategically shut to prevent onlookers) and it is clearly on the floor. It's all around the toilet, and the laminate floor on that side of the bathroom. (One of those toilets behind a wall type deal) Just shitty brown water and corn. She starts gagging and looks pissed off at me. She told me to go downstairs and wait for her, and that she would take care of it. (What?, Uh okay.) So I do. She turns the shower back on, and I sit at the bottom of the stairs, stopping anyone from going up. They ask where she is and I tell them she's showering, and wants privacy.
After sitting on the stairs for (not an exaggeration) 45 minutes, they begin to question my integrity. The mom goes up, and I hear the loudest "Oh my god!" followed by a "What the fuck!". I die laughing inside but keep my composure and run upstairs and to the bathroom.
**It's gotten worse.**
My girlfriend didn't shut the water off to the toilet (that silver oval looking valve behind it), and neither did I! At this point the brown shitty water has managed to cover the entire bathroom floor, and was spilling into the carpet in the bedroom. My girlfriend had piles of towels trying to prevent it. Like a sand-wall at a beach during high-tide. It wasn't just on the floor either, it was actually standing water. I'd say about a quarter or half an inch high off the ground. The mom looks at me and said calmly "go downstairs, I'll take care of it". and so I did.
So after a couple hours I see them both coming downstairs with black trash bags, about 3-4 in total. They said it was from all of the towels, and the clothes that were on the bathroom floor when the water spilled. I didn't realize that there were that many in the corner.
At this point I'm being made fun of by everyone in the house. Her mother, her father, her two brothers, both sets of grandparents, I mean the whole crew. Talking about how shitty of an experience it was, and how I really need to get my shit together. "Ha. Ha. Very funny." Not very funny seeing as how I didn't even want them to know I was shitting in their home, better yet using the parent's throne to do it.
Afterwards a plumber comes to fix their toilet, and it gets worse. It turns out the pipes to the toilet are actually broken. You can see the water damage in the living room ceiling.. my shit broke their pipes.
I see this post is running kind of long, so I am going to wrap it up. All in all, I ended up damaging their bathroom laminate floors, some of the bedroom carpet, a bunch of clothes, their toilet, their bathroom pipes, the pipes above the living room, and the wet fucked up ceiling in the living room.
**TL;DR**
**I tried to disguise myself as showering so I could shit in my girlfriends parent's toilet. My shit broke the pipes, flooded the bathroom with shit filled water taking hours to fix, and cost them a lot of money in damages.**
So yeah.
thanksalotpal: Was that the end of the relationshit?
Kephri: Surprisingly no. We lasted another year after that.
Da_Porta: You missed his joke
Kephri: Just re-read it. I'm an idiot.
| 5 | 3.8 | |
1402314001 | 1402349401 | t3_27otz9 | t5_2to41 | 158 | tifuthrowaway53: TIFU by masturbating at work
Not today, but only found out that it was a fuck up today...
So I work in this warehouse unit thing for 1 guy who is my boss, and this other guy who works with me.
So one day when they went out on a delivery, I was left alone at work, and for whatever reason, I got horny at work and decided that cos I was alone, I'd have a session. Little did I know that my boss had a camera installed to keep an eye on the things he made in case anyone broke in and stole anything.
This is where I get a call this morning about that amount that he was going to pay me due to me 'not doing much work and messing about'. He didnt directly mention it but I feel as if he has seen this footage while looking back on his tape, but he hasnt mentioned anything about it... I feel awkward as hell now.
TL;DR. Masturbated at work not knowing camera's were there. Boss rings and says he's cutting my pay for the week cos of 'not doing much work'. I think he's seen me masturbating
lookatthisthrowaway3: Boss is cutting your weekly pay? Why do I get the feeling that this is illegal
Valgrindar: I'd be absolutely certain that retroactively cutting his pay would be illegal. Otherwise, I think OP is most likely SOL. I'm not sure how solid this source is, but [here's](http://jobsearch.about.com/od/payandpaychecks/qt/pay-cuts.htm) what I found on it.
lookatthisthrowaway3: What about hours being cut to oblivion after calling out due to medical reasons? That uh... that may be happening to me.
inculcation: sounds like they want you to quit rather than firing you.
lookatthisthrowaway3: I agree. Change of management last year, five long-term employees gone within a couple of months. Two were fired out of the blue, one was demoted to oblivion and chose not to stay, two quit because of cut hours. I'm the last long-term employee. I wish there was something I can do...
inculcation: why do you want to stay at a company that has made their intentions clear and quite obviously doesn't respect its employees?
lookatthisthrowaway3: I'm actively looking for another job right now. But I have a baby on the way so I can't exactly rage-quit. It's not a good situation unfortunately.
| 8 | 19.75 | |
1402318089 | 1403080316 | t3_27oxxv | t5_2to41 | 28 | MAmessedup: TIFU by being stupid then lying about it
I've been married for less than a year (together for 4) and I probably just fucked up my marriage. I was away on business 3 months ago and created an account on Ashley Madison, mostly because I was drunk, bored, had just read a GQ article about it and wanted to see what is was about. I had no intention I follow through on anything, not that it justifies anything. I used an alternative email for registration and everyone can guess what happened next. My wife found advertising emails from them in that email account and they led her to my profile. I only ever used the fucking site for 5 minutes and never touched it again and I have 0 interest in cheating on my wife. The poor woman just found it last night. I tried to explain, but why should she believe me. All trust and love in our relationship probably just evaporated in a nanosecond. I feel so bad and I am really scared. She doesn't deserve to have to deal with this.
zombiesteins: Be as honest as you can. From a woman's perspective (not saying true, but here's my woman's perspective):
You heard about a site that allows you to easily meet women who want to cheat on their SOs and decided that you were going to make an account while drunk. Now, even just looking around means you probably had a peek at some females, read bios, probably saw some tits and maybe got turned on by a few choice sentences on the site. None of this is relationship ending stuff.
HOWEVER you need to not play it down. "I was drunk and bored and thought whatever, you know?!" doesn't sound as good to a woman as, "babe, I love you I just wanted to think about kinky things! It was just a fantasy to me, you're my everything! Don't you have fantasies? I never would have gone to another women, this was the same as browsing porn to me. You see it, but I'll be damned if I touch one of those dirty hoes over your beautiful body!"
I don't know, could be just me, but if a man pretends it was "too much of nothing" then I'm suspicious. That LITTLE bit of harsh truth (horny and fantasizing) helps me understand where their brain is at and why they did it, and assure me they're being truthful.
Mind you, some women just don't want to know. You know your wife better than I do. Tread with care and you'll be fine! (maybe)
[deleted]: Are you 16? Because that seems like something a 16 year old would say. Not a married adult. Yeah you're 16.
zombiesteins: I'm not married, but I haven't been 16 for many, many years. I HAVE on the other hand been lied to in a relationship. It didn't end well for either of us.
A note for you who brought up age so quickly; are you very young? Early 20-s and feeling just high and mighty enough to accuse of age before you think? Have you ever had the pleasure of being in a relationship werein your partner was lying to your face? No? Allow me to enlighten you.
This man (a married man), heard of a site wherein you can go meet local married men and women (such as yourself), and cheat on them discreetly. This is what the site is well-known for. Now, upon hearing this he decides he needs to check out this website, but doesn't tell his wife about it, because why does she need to know, amirite? (First of all, I'm not accusing him of anything EXCEPT that his acts look suspicious).
Moving on, he makes a profile, he checks it out, he doesn't tell his wife. Do you think him blowing it off after she saw this webpage with a, "honey I was drunk and bored" will get him in her good graces? Nope! It's going to take hours of explaining his thinking, his motives, assuring her she's the only woman for him, before she feels confident again. If he's lucky enough that she hasn't been in a sour relationship before, it may not be so long. If she's ever been hurt before, this will shatter her. Just because you get out of puberty doesn't mean you get a pack of confidence and a self-esteem booster to go with it.
Maybe he was just morbidly curious, or maybe he's trying to make the truth seem better on the internet so that he can get some advice. Men don't stop being horny (no offence) just because they're no longer 16 (well women don't, and the bf certainly hasn't yet, but I guess I'm no expert on ALL men - didn't graduate from Generalizing College). I'm NOT saying he was looking to cheat or even talk to these women, just looking to look. (Purpose: Horny. Goal: Masturbation).
As a woman (a woman, not a teenager thank-you-very-much - although I'd gladly go back to get out of debt) if my man downplays something as big as this (and if he's worried she's leaving him, it's "as big as this" and she reacted badly), then I not only feel hurt, but also angry.
On the other hand I can understand the man's need for kinks; lord knows I have enough of them. If he truly meant nothing but a nice wank sesh by it, I'd be mostly fine with something like this. The main thing is that it depends on what kind of woman she is, hence why he should tread with care.
Edit: some 'splaining needed to be done.
toiski: So, assuming what the man is saying is true, you're encouraging him to lie?
zombiesteins: I DON'T think what the man is saying is 100% true. I don't really trust strangers as far as I can throw them and I am laughably weak.
I honestly believe that, while his intentions towards his wife may have been pure, and that he did not want to physically or emotionally cheat on her in any way, he had a deeper reasoning beyond "drunk curiosity" for going on the website.
If I'm wrong, he and all from heaven to hell can ignore the messages. If not, then maybe they should be considered. It's easy to tone down the things you do to sound like a better person to others as well as yourself, and it's hard-as-shit to come clean about your true intentions. So, if I'm right and he has other intentions, he should come clean. Because if his explanation of why he went on the site is half-assed and full of holes, his wife isn't going to feel any better.
If I'm wrong, then half-assed explanations shouldn't be a problem anyway and there's plenty of other advice from the believers that he is 100% innocent spectrum that he can choose from.
| 6 | 4.666667 | |
1402316064 | 1402326151 | t3_27ovus | t5_2to41 | 164 | steddybear: TIFU by falling asleep with Crest White Stripes in.
So I have been a smoker for about 5 years and finally decided that my heath/teeth and wallet could not stand it anymore. I start brushing my teeth more regularly and decided that why not speed up the process and get those whitening strips!
So I used them for about a week and didn't see too much of a difference so I decided to kick it up a notch and start using them 2-3 times a day. My teeth felt somewhat sensitive but nothing that I was worried about, until the night I decided to take 2 Advil PMs and throw some strips on while I watched some tv....
6 hours later I wake up and put my tongue on my teeth and think OH FUCK I left the fuckers in! So I Peel them off throw them away and go back to bed, maybe about 30 seconds later I feel my saliva slowly seep across my teeth which sent shivers down my spine. It was like my teeth were a group of nudists stuck on a fucking iceberg!
So I wake up and go to work at 4am and usually what gets me going in the morning is a big ol' cup of joe.. not today! I couldn't even drink water, It fucking hurt to breath or smile in that manner. I had a headache all day due to the constant pain a stomach ache because I couldn't eat or drink! Seriously my teeth were more sensitive then an emo at a poetry slam.
So I google what I had just done thinking that I just rotted all the enamel off my teeth and I will be fucked for a lifetime when it turns out that the strips just cause your teeth roots to become sensitive....holy balls I was relieved! So I leave work early, buy a bottle of orajel and use the whole fucking thing in about 6 hrs. By the next day everything was back to normal but I still have yet to use those god forsaken things again.
MilkFlavoredCheerios: But were your teeth more white?
EDIT: were* not we're.
Nixolas: I want this answer as well.
thebeersgoodnbelgium: I've done this before, the answer is "yes, noticeably"
octavesemitone: i like that answer
| 5 | 32.8 | |
1402321295 | 1402329259 | t3_27p1r9 | t5_2to41 | 89 | BigDreamerSmallThink: TIFU when I agreed to a drinking competition with my friends.
This happened Saturday night. For some background: My friends and I agreed to have a drinking competition in which we would all drink until somebody passes out. The first to pass out will wake up with something memorable having been done to them. The "memorable" part was not predetermined aside from saying no classic marker on the face type of stunts.
Well I was feeling pretty confident, I have drunken with my friends many times, and I'm usually one of the last ones standing. So there we are in the middle of a field tossing back some brews. We were all drinking and no one was really keeping count. Well I guess as I started to get tipsy I didn't remember to monitor how much I was drinking. So at around 2 in the morning I guess I passed out under the stars.
When I awoke at roughly 6:30 in the morning to the sound of traffic. I opened my eyes and saw the axel of a trailer bed right above me. I also noticed it was a little breezy. Taking full stock of my situation I realized that I was laying in the middle of a truck lot completely nude. Well the first thing I thought was "Shit where are my clothes!" then I began to panic, what if people saw me, how would I explain this? I didn't see anyone around so I scrambled around looking for something to hide my shame. Wouldn't you believe it there was nothing. I mean not even a discarded grocery bag or a crumpled old box. So I sat down for a minute and considered crying. But then I thought screw it, I got into this mess myself, I guess I have to deal with the consequences. So I stood up and dusted off my legs before I began to stroll towards the road. Once I reached the road I realized where I was, about 5 Km from my home half way across town. I couldn't give up now, so I started heading for home. Well thankfully it was Sunday morning, so most people weren't awake yet. But the few who were must have all been driving on that street yesterday. At first I walked along trying to cover myself with my hands as I awkwardly tried to keep my head down. Cars would honk and I could hear folks laughing as they passed, but none of them would stop to see if I was alright. Well after about a block of this I figured I had to toughen up and take it like a man. So I dropped my package and began to boldly strut towards my home. I made it another 2 blocks before a cop car pulled up behind me. They chirped the siren and I stepped off to the side while they drew up beside me. "What are you doing there?" he asked through the window. His partner had a giant smile on his face and looked like he was having trouble holding back his laughter. At first my heart raced and I thought for sure I'm gonna end up on the sex offender registry or something, so I start to explain my story. Well they listened intently while I spun out my traumady and started to laugh uncontrollably as I reached the part where I woke up. They asked me to step back while they exited the vehicle and I thought for sure "And now I go to jail." But they were actually really cool dudes, they got a blanket from the trunk of their car, brought me home and asked me a few questions to make sure I was ok.
I am fine, my pride took a blow and I will definitely remember this for the rest of my life. Just thought I should share.
tetrahydrocanada: Well ya didn't get marker on your face.
BigDreamerSmallThink: I think the marker would have been easier to deal with. lol
| 3 | 29.666667 | |
1402324421 | 1402341921 | t3_27p658 | t5_2to41 | 27 | Aco282: TIFU by ruining my moms birthday.
This happend to me yesterday.
So it was my moms birthday, and I didn't buy her any presents, not that of a big fuck up, but we will get there, then I even forgot to say "happy birthday".
But now comes the worst, she bought a really expensive cake with her own money, and she left it in the fridge. I wanted to take out a bottle of soda when it fell down, hit the plate the cake was on, and hurled the cake all over the kitchen and my clothes.
And I even didn't clean it up, my mom did it, I feel so bad for her. I feel like a total asshole now...
midnighter5: why didn't you clean it up?
Aco282: First I went to my room to change clothes and when I came back she already finished cleaning up.
CabbieNamedAxel: you're cleaning up a mess, why would you want clean clothes to do that?
Aco282: Good point, I guess I just wasn't thinking.
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1402324163 | 1402340083 | t3_27p5s4 | t5_2to41 | 101 | Polyfluorite: TIFU By saving my gfs Nudes on my iPhone.
Ok this happened about a month ago and I just found this sub so I thought it would be good to share. This is not a throwaway.
So one night my girlfriend and I are both horny but are away from each other and have no chance of fucking. So we exchange nudes and I fap and she faps and its all good. Being the resourceful dumbass I am, I save her photo**s** **(Plural)** she sent me like everything, and I had a great collection of fap material, This was not the fuck up.
Im trying to put on weight so I have been working out hard following university workout plan ...................................................................................................................................................................
This is the fuck up
My girlfriends mom wanted to see what Kind of protein I used. I told her the kind I use makes you gain. She is trying to lose weight, so the protein would be counterproductive. Needless to say she still wanted to see it, so I took a picture of it not thinking anything of it and sent it to her.
The next day my girlfriend tells me her dad just earned a lot of money so he is taking the family out to olive garden and I was invited. I drove to her house and her parents are waiting on me to arrive. When I get there she says "I didn't get the picture of protein you were supposed to send"
In my mind everything is good I'll just go to my photos and select the photo. Instead of waiting for me to show her the damn photo she walks to me as I pullout my phone and waits over my shoulder looking at everything on my phone. I pause hoping she would leave, she in turn opens the pre installed photo app and sees all my saved photos with the brightness on 100%. She instantly is bombarded with pictures of her daughters naked body and I just lock my phone. This all happened in like 45 seconds. My gfs dad was Oblivious to the situation and still is. instead of riding with them to Olive garden I drove my with my gf. It seemed like it saved a really awkward situation. But the dinner made up for it.
**TL;DR**
Do not store nudes in the photos app
[deleted]: I need a visual to go along with the story, I don't get it...
Austin58: She wanted to see the picture of the protein so she started looking over his shoulder at everything he is doing on his phone. He pauses hoping she would go away but instead she taps the photo app herself and sees all them nudes.
EDIT: Fuck
i_pk_pjers_i: He wants the nudes for himself - he understands the story.
Austin58: Fuck me. That's my second missed joke today.
i_pk_pjers_i: It's not a joke, he actually wants to see OP's girlfriends naked body.
| 6 | 16.833333 | |
1402326577 | 1402460234 | t3_27p9ah | t5_2to41 | 611 | rumblinhemi460: TIFU and a midget yelled and threw a bottle of water at me
This actually happened today, so I work at lowes, and I was selected to water flowers for an hour this morning. So im minding my own business, walking around with the hose watering flowers. I couldn't get the hose to reach the last aisle of flowers, so I take the watering tip off of the hose and hold my finger over the end so I can spray the water over to the flowers. Now I haven't seen any customers on this end of the lawn and garden section, all of a sudden I hear this horrific scream! It scares the shit out of me. All of a sudden a drenched lady midget comes running around the end of the aisle at me screaming like a fucking banshee, she's brandishing a bottle of water which she proceeds to hurl at me. It hit me square in the nose. At this point I am standing there stunned by the whole turn of events, and she's standing in front of me screaming, luckily a coworker came over and talked her down. I apologized profusely to her. But honestly I really dont feel bad...
TL:DR soaked a midget with the water hose, got the shit scared out of me, and hit in the nose by a water bottle projectile.
EDIT: I went and talked to the loss prevention officer and the store manager, we all three watched the video together, it was epic! Should have seen my face after I got hit with the water bottle, the expression was unexplainable! The lp, and store manager were crying with laughter, and I tried my hardest to get a copy of it to post on reddit, but lowes has a strict policy of not releasing security footage unless its for the police, or for a criminal case :-( according to the lp...
stormy2587: TIL everyone on reddit is basically prince Joffrey when it comes to midgets.
nahreddit: Yea this whole thread is a bit cringe worthy. Obviously she was overreacting and probably an asshole, but that doesn't make it okay to just start cracking jokes about little people with no remorse.
bluntmasterflash: If we didn't make fun of them it would be discrimination. Reddit is pretty good at making fun of everyone equally. Except nerds, they get mad when you pick on nerds.
Ragnar_OK: > Reddit is pretty good at making fun of everyone equally
Except straight, white, middle-class men. If you make fun of them you're literally SRS and are trying to silence free speech on the internet.
Reddit is pretty shitty when it comes to discrimination. They're only "jokes" when it comes to minorities or women, try to make a joke about a white man and everybody loses their respective shit. Why do you think SRS is so hated? It's a circlejerk sub, they make the same jokes reddit does, except they do it about white men, and everybody hates it.
bluntmasterflash: Lol, straight white people are the only thing you can make fun of on here, without listening to someone like you saying it's all wrong and shit.
Ragnar_OK: It's like you didn't even read my comment.
bluntmasterflash: I read it okay. I just disagree completely.
Ragnar_OK: Well, that's fair enough, you can disagree, but reddit is extremely one-sided when it comes to "jokes". Jokes about [black people liking watermelon](http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/277k8m/finally/), for example, get upvotes, posts made by women get [extremely negative comments (while similar posts made by males get interested/supportive comments)](http://i2.minus.com/ipSDrrGc2UskC.png).
[DAE blacks are deadbeat fathers???](http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/27s63n/i_will_just_leave_this_here/)
[DAE blacks don't follow rules????](http://www.reddit.com/r/AdviceAnimals/comments/1e5qch/everyone_else_seems_to_obey_the_rules/)
[female + hate + fear that isn't real = upvotes](http://www.reddit.com/r/AdviceAnimals/comments/1kgt7i/i_had_this_student_last_semester_and_almost_gave/cbot551)
[lol op is le FAG amirite??? also niggers cuz racism is HIlarious](http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/19jfdr/op_better_watch_out/c8oleur)
[op is fag, i repeat, OP IS A FAGGOT!!!](http://np.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/1aslsm/at_the_atm_nope/c90drwk)
I could literally spend the next 12 hours linking to hundreds of highly upvoted submissions and/or comments on reddit that are absolutely fucking disgusting, but there's no point. Just a cursory glance at the front page and you're sure to find at least 10 extremely bigoted (racist, sexist, homophobic, whathaveyou) posts. You have to be blind to not see it and disingenuous to argue that it isn't happening.
bluntmasterflash: It does happen, but they make fun of white males too. Ever heard of Scumbag Steve? The PTSD clarinet boy? What about the almost politically correct Redneck? You seemed to have missed those ones.
Ragnar_OK: Yeah, except none of those make fun of straight, white, middle class men for being straight middle class white men. It's like saying "oh, but good guy greg is a white guy! why couldn't he be a black guy???", but that doesn't matter, since it's not the point of the meme. For memes like GGG or Scumbag Steve or PTSD Clarinet Boy, the race isn't important, they're just templates. for other users' ideas. I'm not arguing that the memes themselves are bigoted, I'm arguing that reddit is in the ideas expressed through those memes.
I will agree with you about the redneck one, that's pretty stereotypical and shitty.
bluntmasterflash: What do you have against stereotypes anyway? Everyone falls into one and they all get made fun of by the other stereotypes. The world is much bigger than Reddit, you are only seeing one slice of the pie.
| 12 | 50.916667 | |
1402328096 | 1402346760 | t3_27pbq0 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling someone how old I was
So let me explain. I work in communications, and I was asked to attend a meeting with a municipal government client. It was a typical communications meeting and I was simply going to gain familiarity with the contacts. So we arrive, and my supervisor and I sit down at the conference table and exchange pleasantries with the two women sitting next to me and directly across from me (we were at the end of the table). From first glance they were probably mid to late 50s.
I consider myself very personable and the small talk was nice. Then I go quiet to prepare for the meeting, however they continue to talk. The women next to me - let's call her Carol - well, Carol mentions she has been working there for 24 years, which I found very impressive. Then, for god-knows-what reason, I blurt out, "I'm 25 years old."
I honestly don't know how I managed to think this was an appropriate response to her statement, but she looked dumbfounded and said something to the effect of "who does this guy think he is."
My supervisor also looked shocked and then I tried to go into full-on damage control, but there was no digging out of this hole. The meeting went fine, and at the end the women sarcastically noted how "nice" it was to meet me.
I know it's small, and this women held no important position that could truly jeopardize my job. But, I felt like a jerk and really wish I could take it back.
What's the worst thing you've said to a women unintentionally?
mythrowawayresponse: woman: so what are your plans for today?
me: same thing I do every day... have a little sex, play video games and chat with friends
woman: you are like every other guy... I should have known better
me: what? <totally confused as to what kind of relationship we were in>
... spent the next 10 minutes asking what is going on and violently getting verbally abused about me being a player - then eventually get ignored, and I just end by saying sorry, and goodbye. I spent time talking about it with another female friend that knows me and realized that this woman that went batshit thought we were in some type of intimate relationship when I had clearly open-friendzoned her... sure we flirted back and forth but I do that with everyone that is open to it... anyway felt like garbage for the rest of the day for who the fuck knows what. I am 99% drama-free so this is the first time I've encountered this kind of drama in a long long time... I'm always up front with all the friends and lovers I meet and make... never had a complaint until this woman decided to make herself closer than I had been aware of... still confused but stabilizing with the help of other friends.
sameoldnigga: what
mythrowawayresponse: what what?
... in short for some reason this woman thought we were in some type of intimate relationship even though I just met her... and went batshit insane.
She doesn't appear to function well in society.
sameoldnigga: what what i was whatting was where is the link to this post?
mythrowawayresponse: [here is what it is](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/27pbq0/tifu_by_telling_someone_how_old_i_was/ci3a03y)
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1402332154 | 1402339011 | t3_27pihk | t5_2to41 | 12 | Hurtcow: TIFU by driving my car with a dashboard light on.
So last night on my way to my overnight job I noticed the battery light was on. Wasn't sure if it had been on before or if it had just popped on but I assumed it was no big deal. Flash forward to working my post office route this morning. I'm about 1/3 of the way through when I stop to deliver my first package. And on my way back to my car I hear the radio making odd noises. I get in just in time for it to die...
I am now sitting in my car with my dying labtop, using some random house's unprotected wireless internet, which I used to get a hold of my parents who are on vacation in Canada as my phone is dead. It's been 40 minutes and still waiting for a tow truck and I still have to finish the route before I can go home. And I have no way to get home unless I'm able to use our LLV.
mythrowawayresponse: I always keep one of these in whatever car I am driving:
http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=auto+battery+booster
BigDildo: Too bad OP probably should have had an [extra one of these.](http://i.imgur.com/cqXoDyP.jpg)
| 3 | 4 | |
1402336692 | 1402591483 | t3_27pq6w | t5_2to41 | 62 | Oh_Shit_Im_Screwed: TIFU by getting my Girlfriend of 1 month pregnant. I'm meeting her Dad for the first time tonight at dinner.
It wasn't TODAY, but about a month ago. We met online a month and a half ago. We hit it off immediately. She came to meet me that evening where I was playing pool league. We proceeded to stay late, drinking water in fact, and got along great. The next day I invited her to come over and let me cook dinner. Dinner was great, and so was the sex afterwards. I proceeded to go out of town and we didn't see each other for about a week. Well it was one month since we first had sex and she's pregnant. She was and has been on the "shot version" of birth control and did nothing different than she has since she was 18. She's a well educated girl, the type who's parents have her life planned out so to speak. Great family, great girl. I met her Mom for the first time a week ago, and had yet to meet her Dad. Well now she's got two tests showing positive for being pregnant, and has told her parents. They were very nice and supportive. I'm going to her house for dinner tonight to meet her Dad for the first time, and I'm a bit nervous, as i ought to be. She told me there's no guns in the house, and they they weren't totally freaked out, were very happy and that I shouldn't worry - I feel quite differently. I'm quite ashamed about all of this. I know what i should've done. She has decided thus far, that she wants to have the kid. I do not feel like it's the best idea, but I will support her in anyway I can. My father was never around, and i refuse to do the same. Please any advice, input, or recommendations for this evening would be greatly appreciated.
EDIT: My whole family lives out of state, i moved here alone. I've yet to tell my parents.
multocida: I'm sorry to be the one that has to say this, but this sounds like a horrible idea.
The fact that she just finished school and moved back home means she probably isn't working a well-paying job and won't be able to support the child financially on her own. And it sounds like you are not ready to commit to this girl or to your unborn child yet.
You need to sit down with your girlfriend and be honest about exactly how much time and money you are willing to commit to this child. When visiting her family you should pull aside her father and talk to him privately also.
If she is totally against the idea of abortion you may consider giving the child for adoption. There are plenty of loving, secure families in this country who could take the child.
This is a huge decision and I hope you won't take it lightly.
Oh_Shit_Im_Screwed: First off thank you for your reply. She's 24, and does have a good job. Infact, if it's somehwat of a blessing in disguise that she does have a good head on her shoulders, and a very capable and supporting family. You're right in saying I'm not fully prepared to commit to this girl, but entirely wrong about the child. My real father was an abusive shithead/addict/alcoholic and my mother kicked him to the curb months after i was born(technically she walked with me about a mile and a half to the nearest payphone to get a ride the hell outta there). I would have liked for us to develop a long-term relationship, and really have a better foundation to make a decision as such, and not have it laid in our lap due to poor choices/one in a million odds. I am going to continue our relationship unless it becomes evident that it wont work. We both agree we shouldn't "stay together for the kid".
I've found it difficult to talk with her because she has made it quite clear on her decision to have the child. She has said things like, " I feel like its my responsibility to deal with what happened and do the responsible thing". While were both pro choice, it's her "choice" to feel as such. I told her I don't think she should look at it as something she has to "deal with" or act as if "well it happen so now I HAVE to do it". I do not think she fully understands how this decision will change the course of both of our lives for ever. Not to toss aside that we both already made the decision to have sex without a condom(i say that because she was/is on birth control).
I do want to sit down with her Dad and discuss this. I have nothing more than full support in her decision, and I will make sure he understands that. I want to make it clear to him that i don't feel it's the best decision at this point in our lives, but i don't know his views on the situation in regards to abortion. Adoption wasn't an option when they discussed it initially.
This is a huge decision, and to be honest I'm not proud of the situation by any stretch, otherwise my parents would already know. They too are loving and capable of support, but live in another state and cannot offer much.
My main fear i guess, long term, is her decision to keep the child and us continuing to have a growing relationship and having a family to raise the child. My short term fear, is the complete shame and guilt i will have in telling her father whom Ive yet to meet, and having some sort of blessing from him if that's even possible. I don't know how to say, "It's nice to finally meet you. I'm sorry i got your daughter pregnant". Should I say I'm sorry, should I beg for forgiveness, I really got myself in deep and I don't expect the internet to tel me how to deal with it, but your insight and just hearing/reading such things helps to rationalize i suppose.
EDIT: I'm tired of editing grammatical errors.
MonitoredCitizen: The thing that jumps out at me more than anything is how much you're thinking about all of this and how reasonable your view of that which is in your control and that which isn't seems to be. I don't have a "You should do the following: X!" opinion. I think that you're taking things pretty seriously and contemplating a variety of issues pertaining to your future and others' futures and will continue to do so because it's your nature. I admire that, and I think they will too. It's a good sign that she felt comfortable enough to tell her parents and that they were supportive of her. They know it wasn't planned that way, and they are likely to be supportive of you too. I'd avoid bringing up abortion; I get the impression that your partner in life changing is farther along in the option weighing process than you are because her decision processes would certainly have been affected by the presence of a big, stable, familial support group which you are about to meet.
The only other thing I can think of that an independent perspective might be able to offer that you might have a hard time seeing from where you're at at the moment and how quickly things have progressed is that it's still unfolding and you'll have more things coming in to work with, some of which might change your perspective one way or another. You might eventually discover enough to think "Holy carp, I need to get her to sign a release and never contact her again" or you might eventually discover enough to think "Holy carp, this family is cool and welcoming and I'm enjoying getting to know her more and more every day" and it'll feel like a whole new and different path opened up that you never expected, or somewhere in between.
May as many as possible of your life's changes be for the better.
Oh_Shit_Im_Screwed: I want to thank you for your post. It helps to hear from people who may have gone through parenthood or similar struggles in life. I'm 26 and this is by far the most challenging thing Ive ever faced. It's hard to weigh all the pros/cons and look at every perspective when its only been 3 days since i found out. I appreciate your input, and i concur with dishrag, it would be nice to have a fellow like yourself to listen at times.
cwmcbeejr: Yeah, things can make your life better for sure. This is not even an alt, but my regular account. My son turns 8 this month. My wife and I had been dating about a month longer than you when the same thing happened. We got married when our son was 2. We had a daughter a year later. We decided after all that time around each other taking care of the pregnancy and our son that we loved each other. Happily together for 9 years late this summer. If she has committed to having the kid, commit to trying to have a civil and supportive relationship. that can mean friends or more. That is all you owe each other. If you decide you want to be together, great. If not, your child will have parents who can work together when needed to ensure it a fair chance at a happy life. I sleep really well at night and have no shame that my family was formed a little differently than traditional. The hard times we went through at the beginning make our day to day now seem so simple and stress free. It is nice having a friend like my wife. I hope you can too.
| 6 | 10.333333 | |
1402337967 | 1402384424 | t3_27psj0 | t5_2to41 | 10 | seraph77: TIFU by masturbating at work [2]
Inspired by: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/27otz9/tifu_by_masturbating_at_work/
Not today, but since cringes from years ago seem to be allowed, here goes:
I worked midnights at a gas station during college. Cameras everywhere, but after a while of working alone, you tend to feel like you have the place to yourself. One random night I was "intrigued" by the girl on the cover of a Hustler. I took the magazine into the back (where I didn't think there were any cameras) to do some investigation.
My investigation techniques lead to some unsightly marks on said magazine, so I stashed it in an out-of-the-way place, thinking I'd buy and ring it up later, or it would go unnoticed.
A couple days later, reporting for my next shift, I remember the events of the other night, and go to retrieve the evidence. It's not there... There's no way anyone would have accidentally found my stash, as it was well-hidden in an unused corner.
After a couple hours of fretting, I finally wrote it off. Then, in the morning, the manager pulls me into his office. He wants to train me on security. He proceeds to pull up video of the back room, and the motion-activated camera I didn't know about. It wasn't me in the vid, but I realized I jerked it pretty much dead-center to that cam.
mythrowawayresponse: **<sweating bullets intensifies>**
stupidshamelessUSA: **<begins to sweat grenades>**
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1402334555 | 1402391424 | t3_27pml8 | t5_2to41 | 14 | Ex-Lurker25: TIFU by playing GTA5
[deleted]
whigg: Lol'd at "actual boobs"
Voyager5555: I'm really more confused how he "felt" them.
PREDATORA: Smacked his dick against the screen.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1402340232 | 1402342898 | t3_27pwjm | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by falling victim to blackmail.
javaski: Umm, if you are in the US, I'm pretty sure everything you described here is criminal activity and you should go to the police.
Ryuu_Girl: Like I said before in the post. I do NOT want my parents involved whatsoever. This will have to wait when I am an adult.
No parents want their child in trouble for something like this. This is detremental to anyone's reputation whoever is involved.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1402339703 | 1402435922 | t3_27pvkk | t5_2to41 | 4,346 | cassyfrassy: TIFU by coming home too early.
I ACTUALLY HAVE A STORY THAT HAPPENED TODAY. It does involve masturbating though so sorry for being one in a million on that one. This happened about half an hour and I'm just ughhhhdlsudhskg NOPE.
Okay. I had to go to the local college to get registered for a summer class. No big deal. I came home. No big deal. I hear music. Weird music. (I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN) I thought my brother might be playing some game in the office at the front of the house. An office with a hugeeee window facing the street BTW. So I round the corner to say hi and what do I see. My little brother. Just jackin it. He dropped the phone, porn still blasting away. I screamed "OH MY GOD NOPE." closed my eyes and turned to run, slamming my head into the wall in the process. I'm currently sitting in my basement contemplating my existence and hoping I'm concussed so I never think of this again.
TL;DR Came in my house. I wasn't the only one to do so.
EDIT: Yes, I am a girl. Congrats to all you super sleuths who figured that one out.
Also, just a general ಠ_ಠ to some of these comments.
http://youtu.be/vIpk8A8Ts3s
Okay. I appreciate all the attempts to give me a sexual education. I am completely aware that masturbation is normal. He and I have talked. I gave him shit. He's fine. All's well and good here!
Also, the scream wasn't really a scream. I'm not a girly screamer. I'm more of a shocked elderly man-yeller. So that's what it was.
lmorsino: Sounds like your little brother should be the one posting here.
cassyfrassy: I think my little brother has other things to do on the internet today.
MonkeyWeiti: He did. I think hes finished by now ;)
gabbalis: Fap -> Nap -> Lucid Wet Dream -> Wake Up -> Fap. What's a "Finished"?
realitysconcierge: I don't think I'd mind having a lucid wet dream.
XC_Stallion92: There are supposedly techniques that allow you to be able to have lucid dreams at will. I've tried, and didn't succeed.
LemonyTuba: If I could master the techniques... oh the dreamscapes I'd dredge up from the darkest depths of my mind. Baphomet here, an alien there, a mountain of granulated sugar, a super nova, and a power fantasy with wizard shit and giant orbital railguns thrown in for good measure. That'd be living the dream right there.
krypy506: just try this every 1 hour ask yourself is this a dream? and in a dream you eventually will ask yourself is this a dream and you will become aware that you are dreaming btw i dont think baphomet would like to be in your dream hahaha
Masterdmr: Kind of. If you don't know you're dreaming and you ask yourself if you're dreaming while dreaming, you'll answer with "No."
You need to do [reality tests](http://lucid.wikia.com/wiki/Reality_check) throughout the day. Find something that works for you. For me, counting my fingers in the day works. I don't mean just looking at them and going "Yep, there's 10" i mean counting them out. You can also count other peoples fingers. The reason this works for me is because in my dream my hands look weird. [Like that scene in Bruce Almighty](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6sE1IsAPK90)
krypy506: actually its does work i have alot of lucid dreams when i want just by doing that but when you ask that look at your surroundings and the hands trick works too :)
Masterdmr: So you use a combination. To be fair, I haven't tested asking myself if I'm dreaming. However I think making a conscious effort to test if I'm dreaming could be a form of asking myself if I'm dreaming. I guess reality tests to try lucid dreaming and asking yourself if you are dreaming come hand in hand.
| 12 | 362.166667 | |
1402340361 | 1402401506 | t3_27pwrv | t5_2to41 | 32 | tested5: tifu by asking my friends to be brutally honest
I have been talking to my friends over the last few weeks about a lady friend with whom i have been attempting to romance for a long while. It eventually happened we went on a date after some time of trying i was excited we had a good time talked nothing fancy just got to know each other (it was a day date since i had to work that afternoon) i thought it all went well we had some plans later on that week to take a simple day trip with some friends, well, like multiple times before (unlike the date i was happy about finally getting) she backs out......again. Me foolishly just took it at face value and was just like whatever. went on the trip with my friends went out for drinks that night and the subject got brought up. They know about the light history and all the effort i have been putting into this whole thing and then after asking them to be honest and how I'd prefer them to just tell me what they think instead of attempting to spare my feelings and sugar coating it all. well they start talking, much if it was what i was expected/already knew, then our date was brought up from earlier that week. Well, in talking to a female friend she brought up the thought that from her experience she feels that the reason I finally got my date was because the "lady friend" I was trying so hard to romance basically knew I was trying and felt bad and decided to give me a pity date just so she wouldn't feel bad or like a bitch for shooting me down. So that was said my bubble was popped and the date i was so happy to have finally gotten was completely tainted and was no accomplishment at all. Gotta love honesty right?? (I do appreciate the honesty but that was a major reality check.) so there's that, now if you will excuse me i need to continue to look for my dignity and work on getting my pride revived.
tl;dr
put in a lot of work to get a date with a girl finally got the date! then the fact was brought up to make me realize i didn't get a real date i got a pity date just so she wouldn't feel bad
[deleted]: You didn't fuck up, you dodged a bullet. If a chick isn't attracted to you, it is better that you find that out early than get attached to her and get your heart broken for no good reason.
UnclePaulHarghis: Spot on. This chick isn't as into you as you are to her, it hurts now, but that'll pass. It's a cliche, but it really is true to say, plenty more fish. Good luck, and take pride in the fact you tried and had the balls to talk about it, so many are terrified to talk openly about dating.
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1402339626 | 1402346660 | t3_27pvgd | t5_2to41 | 14 | IFUeep: TIFU and got banned from a pub (request for advise)
*Sorry if this is the wrong forum for this, I'm gonna end my FU with a request for help, but askreddit didn't seem right for this. Anyhow...*
So this happened approximately 5/6 months ago. I used to regularly frequent a particular pub after work with a friend/ work colleague, where we'd have a few brews and play pool. One day my friend was particularly stressed out from seeing people from his past who were a-holes to him. Now my friend is pretty dependant on weed, he's smoked it pretty much every day for a good few years. So to calm himself down he goes into the pub smoking area (by the garden area) and rolls a spliff, and sparks up. Pretty stupid aye, but I guess we thought we'd get away with it because a few days prior we'd been having a regular smoke and these two Polish guys smoked some wacky, and got away with it.
So he's smoking, and I'm taking the odd puff, when the landlady of the pub comes out and is quiet understandably upset, she reminds us it's a family pub and that we need to drink up and go. I apologised profusely for the both of us, assure her it'll never happen again, and we left. We came back the next day and drank, no problem. The next day we arrive and are promptly told we're barred. Embarrassing but completely understandable, we wouldn't have come back only we hadn't been told we were barred. We found a new pub were the pool is cheaper anyway, and behaved ourselves.
So the problem now is that my dad wants to play pool with me, which is great as we've never had any kind of quality time together outside the home. Only the nearest pub with a pool table is the one I am banned from. The next nearest one after that is far too modern and expensive for the taste of my dad, and the next one after that that I know of is a much further walk away. I would really rather not explain to my dad that I am barred from this pub, as I'd hate to disappoint him/ potentially ruin the only chance I've had thus far to develop an adult relationship with him (you know what I mean by that, not in the incest-y way!).
So I'd like to ask the landlady if I could be allowed back. I haven't touched weed in some time and won't be doing so again (had a bad experience), heck I don't smoke cigarettes now! Assuming the management is the same as before (it's a chain pub, not sure how to check whose in charge, and I didn't know the name of anyone working there anyway), I'd like to ask to speak to her, apologise for my previous actions, and ask if I could be forgiven for my previous unacceptable behaviour. Obviously she'd be completely entitled to say no and I wouldn't blame her. I'm scared to ask though (I'm worried I'll be told to leave before I could speak with her, and her husband seems kinda scary), and not sure how to go about saying it. What if it's been forgotten and me bringing attention to the fact I've been banned ensures I can never go back? A bit of me wonders whether I could be forgotten by now, and if not appearing there with my friend and in mucky work clothes, I wouldn't be recognised (although I have a reasonably recognisable face). This seems far too risky though, as well as disrespectful.
Are any of you pub managers? How would you react? I guess I just want to know if apologising and asking if I could be unbarred is a good idea or not? I'm really terrified at the thought of walking in there, but I really would love the opportunity to hang out with my dad, plus not disappoint him.
I know I F'ed up, I just want to know what the likelihood that all could be forgiven is...
**[TL;DR... I was an idiot and smoked weed with a friend in the pub smoking area, got barred, it was a few months ago now and I don't smoke any more, would be ok with staying away only this is the only pub I could feasibly go play pool with my dad, who I've never really had much in the way of quality time with. Would the average pub manager forgive me, and if so how best to go about it?]**
sameoldnigga: Remind her that you are a paying customer, who made one mistake some time ago. Most likely she will forgive you
phunkydroid: > Remind her that you are a paying customer
Don't do that, you'll sound like an entitled douche.
sameoldnigga: I don't mean explicitily - more along the lines of: " I have come here many times for pool, and this was one act out of character from my umblemished record at this bar, where I have been a loyal patron". So she will indirectly realize that you are a valuable source of income.
I agree, to explicitly say this would come off as rather "I'm better than you, let me in"-ish
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1402343151 | 1402348852 | t3_27q1th | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking someone when their due date was.
For some reason I asked her, only to find out very quickly and abruptly that she was not pregnant.
I retrieved my foot from my mouth after she was gone. It all happened so quickly and innocently.
How do I make that one right? I feel like an apology won't cut it, she is a co-worker in another department.
Cylinsier: Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever ask a woman when she is due unless you are 150% certain she is pregnant AND you have corroborated this knowledge with at least two sentient human beings who have achieved an equal level of certainty and speak the same language as you do fluently.
> How do I make that one right?
You can't. But why do we fall down? So others can learn not to trip over the same shit that we did.
agentlame: I have no clue why anyone would ever ask this without knowing 100% for sure.
dicksilhouette: If you knew for a hundred percent sure, then where's the fun in asking? Take a risk, you guys
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1402342476 | 1402352466 | t3_27q0jx | t5_2to41 | 11 | justathrowawayacco: TIFU by not realizing I stepped on what came out of a dog's rear end, then proceeding to get it all over my hands, shoe, pant leg, and bus seat
So I was walking with my friend right before school ended and I somehow managed to step in poop without noticing. Of course, as I was oblivious to what had just happened, I walked with her onto her school bus and saw that my shoe was untied. Stupid me decided to tie my shoe using my leg as a table to rest it on. Then, I noticed the smell, and I'm pretty sure my friend did too. I saw it all over my leg and immediately realized what had happened. Again, making a stupid decision, I decided to try to wipe it off with my hands. Of course, it didn't work, so I decided to try to use hand sanitizer to at least remove or mask the scent. I also put it on a tissue to try to my pant leg, but neither worked. My friend seemed to believe that it was mud, like I said, but I think we both knew what it was. Wiping it just made it worse and I just decided to leave and go to my own bus with my shit stained jeans, hands, and shoes. Now I'm using my bookbag to cover my pants and hoping that no one notices the smell.
[deleted]: >what came out of a dog's rear end
You know, you can just say 'dog poo'. It's ok.
Skadoodle420LoL: *gasp* OH NO YOU SAID DOG POO!
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1402343723 | 1402370613 | t3_27q2sl | t5_2to41 | 28 | [deleted]: TIFU by falling victim to blackmail.
I won't use a throwaway because I feel brave enough to do this on my own account.
I used to use this multiplayer gaming site uears ago when I was younger to meet, play and, and chat to new people. I met this one particular male who had a dominating attitude. He was okay, and we ended up exchaning kik accounts. We talked on kik for a while and eventually he was only interested in getting pictures of me. He has a collection of girls writing his name on their body and giving him a picture of it.
He flirted with me and I gave him a few pictures without my face without his name with half clothing of me. According to him he had standards. I let that get to me hence why I sent him photos. I thought was an ass eventually for judging them harshly and deleted him from kik.
Fast foward a year and a half.
He sent me a request on kik.
*this is where I fuck up*
I accepted and asked what he wanted.
He apologized for treating me badly years ago and sent me a picture of his dick. I never asked nor gave hints that I wanted to see it. I was upset for it but continued talking. Eventually we got to a part to where he "Loves my body". I never sent him a picture the time he returned and refused to then. Eventually he harrassed me to the point of threatening to post my older pictures.
I was a minor in those photos. I have under 30 prior to this post until I am 18.
I called him out on bluff. Showed me one of them. If I didn't give him nudes now. He would post my older ones on my social media account. I stalled him. Told him to leave me alone and asked why he was doing this.
He said I belonged to him and I was his whore.
Eventually, he uploaded one without my face on three different posts on my social media account. I asked him to stop. He refused unless I broke and sent him nudes with his name on me.
I broke.
I gave him what wanted. I couldn't report it to the police because I didn't know his real Facebook or where he was. My parents have no idea I did this even though I've been in trouble for sending nudes to my boyfriend.
Once he had what he needed I blocked his fake account that posted the pictures and removed him from kik. I deleted the pictures he posted fast enough. What he did was illegal and there is no way I can get my revenge. I could only wonder how many girls have falled victim to him.
He fucked up by not disguising himself.
TL; DR Blackmailed for nudes.
ButterflySammy: You are the victim of blackmail, you can't blame yourself.
You are wrong about the options open - he may have used an email address that can be traced to his real identity, the police would have access to that.
Ryuu_Girl: I actually know his real name and username on kik. I will have to involve the police after I am 18. I do not want my parents involved in any kindnof way.
Edit:word
[deleted]: Why wait?
I_am_a_Pixel: Because she said she doesn't want her parents involved at all and that since she is still a minor, I'm guessing if she goes to the police now they might ask for her parent's consent for some stuff.
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1402348777 | 1402443209 | t3_27qbxx | t5_2to41 | 103 | TheTuff199: (NSFW)TIFU by beating a spider with cat shit
So I own a cat and I am deathly afraid of spiders. Anyways I noticed it was time to change my cat's litter box because it stunk. I grab the garbage bag and a scoop and take off the lid for it. I start scooping all of the crap out and am almost done when from the litter emerges this **HUGE** spider. Like a demon emerging from the sandy depths of hell. It must have been as big as a bottle cap (just the body). So I freak out and try to sever it in half with the scoop and it eludes my attempts at Darth Mauling it. It somehow manages to climb up the scoop, I toss the scoop down. Without even thinking i start beating the spider with the bag of shit and piss bricks. The spider was dead and I scooped it up with some Kleenex and flush it down the toilet. When I look up i see the mistake I made. Since the bag wasn't tied I had flung shit and piss everywhere. I gagged once I saw the streaks on the walls and ran once I caught whiff of the smells. So now after I took a long shower I have yet to go down and clean the mess.
TL;DR I beat a spider with cat shit and flung it all over my walls.
NotAnAfricanPrince: Shit went down
arthursbeardbone: And up. And left. In all directions.
Username__Irrelevant: Down is probably the only direction it didn't really go infact.
| 4 | 25.75 | |
1402346829 | 1402381641 | t3_27q8j2 | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by giving a one legged veteran 2 shoes
This past weekend we had a huge yard sale at my aunts house. So I was hanging out making sure no one took anything or helping move the heavy items to people's cars. This one lady came in and was looking at shoes and different men's clothing. I watched her pick up a certain pair of shoes and ask my aunt how much. She paid and then walked out. I noticed she had left the other shoe so I ran out the door and caught her at her vehicle. Her husband had been waiting outside in it for her. I proceeded to hand her the other shoe and say "you might need this unless your husband only has one leg.!" All while laughing. The look on her face was terrible. I felt my stomach drop and sure enough when I looked down he had one leg amputated above the knee. I apologized and offered to give her the money back but he laughed about it and insisted that I keep it. We ended up talking for a while and turns out he lost it on his tour of duty overseas.
theorem21: certainly not a TIFU.
[deleted]: What would you consider a TIFU then?
Poultrigeist: Cutting off his other leg.
[deleted]: I might can make it happen if that would make a better story.
thatlazydude: Pls deliver. The FU quota has not been met today.
[deleted]: TIFU by cutting off the other leg of a one legged veteran and tossing him a pair of shoes for his trouble
| 7 | 3.428571 | |
1402351420 | 1402362328 | t3_27qge1 | t5_2to41 | 56 | baldspotthrowaway: TIFU by drying my hair with a towel that had Nair on it
Used Nair for Men to remove some unwanted back hair. Used the towel to remove the cream. Took a shower to finish the job. Thoughtlessly used the same towel to dry myself afterwards. Now have two noticeable bald patches on my head.
FML
Lurkist: Keep it. The ladies love a balding guy.
Gayburn_Wright: [That they do](http://i.imgur.com/6BWzh3o.gif)
Lurkist: Cantstandya
Gayburn_Wright: It really sticks in your head, you know. "Costanza!"
Lurkist: Its gonna be the summer of George.
Gayburn_Wright: "I am Costanza, Lord Of The Idiots!"
Lurkist: George likes his chicken spicy!
Gayburn_Wright: You mean in the end? A counter-clockwise swirl.
| 9 | 6.222222 | |
1402352555 | 1402434640 | t3_27qi7p | t5_2to41 | 335 | welltifu: TIFU by accidentally deleting 300 GB of goth porn [nsfw]
I am the son of a fairly devout Baptist family. I am also a teenager, and therefore love porn. Furthermore, we only had one "family computer," so the porn would be present on the same hard drive as my parents' church conference photos. This put me in a pretty delicate dilemma-- If my stash was ever discovered, I would probably be grounded for life and sent to a church camp over the summer. I used all the usual tricks for hiding porn folders (burying, making hidden, renaming video files to useless extensions) and that worked great for a while.
Then, one day, my idiot little brother was caught watching porn on redtube. Moron didn't even try to hide it. He was grounded and required to attend a baptist conference in March. I shit you not. But the biggest problem was now my parents took it upon themselves to do "porn checks" every few days. We all had different accounts on the same computer, and now they would log in to our own accounts and cruise through the files looking for porn. (They aren't the most tech-savvy couple in the world.) Anyone else who has been raised in Georgia has probably faced a similar situation.
So, now the stakes were high. If I was caught, I would be grounded and sent to a friggin sermon-fest like my brother. Furthermore, I have what I will call a "creepy" fetish. Basically I'm into goth girls. My parents would probably send me to Jesus camp for good if they saw "Sexy goth slut gets anal from three guys."
If I was smart I would just delete the files and lay low till the air cleared, but I spent probably hundreds of hours over the past couple of years finding the videos I liked and downloading the torrents. I couldn't bear to see any of that just go down the drain.
Last week I had a genius idea-- set up a panic script. I figured I would just set it up so that if my parents found their way into my porn folder, the files would automatically be deleted by the script.
I am not a programmer by a long shot, so I registered with a programming forum and got a few folks to help me. I told them it was personal financial information. Basically, the script automatically started once I logged in. From there, I would have to manually shut it off before clicking the porn folder. If the script was not shut off-- by my parents checking my folders, perhaps-- the porn would be deleted and purged from the Recycle bin. It was a high-stakes way to play the game, but it gave me enormous peace of mind after my brother's fuck up.
So I get it all up and running, and it's time to test it out. I used it on fake folders with empty .txt files as a test, but when I set it up to delete the porn folder, I was nervous that I had somehow misspelled something and the script would not work. The only way to know for sure was to give it a test drive. I would just have to back up my 300 GB of goth porn to an external hard drive before proceeding.
This is where I fucked up. I mounted the external HD, **and then totally fucking forgot to move the files. I just opened the folder.**
300 GB of porn. Hours of work. Purged right from the hard drive. Just because I forgot to Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V. Oh my God.
I shall rebuild. But some of those files are two years old and may not even be on the internet anymore. Holy freaking fuckup, Batman.
At least the script worked.
**TL;DR** Lost the gothies
Masamune_X: >I registered with a programming forum and got a few folks to help me. I told them it was personal financial information.
Every single person on that forum knew exactly what you were doing.
OfficialAntarctica: It's true - you can just give us the real reason and we won't be phased in the slightest - I'll make a tutorial on how to have a hidden folder that you need to type in the address manually to enter.
**Make a hidden folder:** http://imgur.com/gallery/L2LVp
welltifu: Dude that's awesome. Totally doing this
tsvisimcha: You could also try encrypting
http://truecrypt.sourceforge.net/
Priff: well, his parents have already shown that they have no respect for his privacy, so if they find an encrypted folder it's better to show them, because if they don't get into it they will assume worse things.
pocketposter: His parent also isn't very tech savvy so don't really think they
would suspicious of a file with a system extension. Just called it
drivers.sys or something, they will likely not recognize it as a
container for truecrypt.
Edit: I remember there being a function which if you are
forced to reveal the password would be like volume within
a volume or something.
horsebycommittee: Yes, truecrypt allows hidden virtual drives, so one password opens the secret folder, the other password opens another where you store innocuous things. Only by comparing the drive size against its file size is it obvious.
| 8 | 41.875 | |
1402349098 | 1402434969 | t3_27qcii | t5_2to41 | 22 | GeorgieWsBush: TIFU by saving on my cell phone bill.
This fuck up happened to my father. It began a month or so ago and is still in progress.
So it all started when my dad decided that he would downsize and use one cell phone for business and personal stuff. He is a media relations officer for an international company so naturally he is on the phone all day. I'm not sure if this is normal, but his old work-only number got recirculated by Verizon and is now registered to a poor woman by the name of Angela. That would be fine, if my dad had the foresight to inform everyone that he no longer uses that number. Instead, poor Angela gets call upon call, text upon text from his company and the media of the USA.
At first I thought that Angela was a woman who works for the company, but I recently found out that she is just some random lady that nobody knows. At this point she probably has insider knowledge of the company and plans to destroy my father's career, one misplaced phone call at a time.
tldr; Lady gets a previously used number, quickly learns that media relations is not a career she should pursue.
swtinc: What is the fuckup?
RecyclableRaccoon: Not telling everyone he changed his number, thereby allowing Angela to gain access to insider information, I assume. She can also potentially ruin his career when they call his old number and she can tell them whatever she wants.
GeorgieWsBush: Actually, the fuck up is that this poor woman gets 30 or so of my dad's phone calls every day and she doesn't even know who he is.
RecyclableRaccoon: How is that a fuck up though? Numbers get recycled. It's no ones fault, aside from your dad solely because he didn't inform people of the number change or contact Angela after he learned of this and giving her a forwarding number or something. Him not telling people is the only fuck up here. The rest is just Angela having bad luck.
GeorgieWsBush: That's why I said that this was my dad's fuck up. First line dude.
BudongHerder: Actually, the first thing he said in response to "how is this a fuck up" was "Not telling everyone he changed his number". THAT is the fuck up, the *result* was "this poor woman got 30 or so of" your dad's calls. And he was also correct that she could very easily screw him over royally.
RecyclableRaccoon: Thank you. Some people need to go back to grade school.
GeorgieWsBush: I think you care a bit too much about my wording. Sorry I wasn't crystal clear for you.
RecyclableRaccoon: I'm not the one you confused... I got what you meant and explained it to the people who didn't. I think you were the confused one after I explained it to the person who asked what the fuck up was. Oh well. It's straightened out now, I guess.
| 10 | 2.2 |
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