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1402354454 | 1402432649 | t3_27ql60 | t5_2to41 | 260 | Fister__Mantastic: TIFU by getting the world's most lethal toxin in my eye.
Edit: To address some common concerns, I have been communication with my clinic manager every step of the way. The entire incident has been well documented this far. My ophthalmologist was nice enough to schedule me in after hours tomorrow to check it out, but we're still not expecting any complications. Thank you all for your concern, and advice. I'm glad you could all share in my fuckupitry.
Botulinum Toxin (Botox)
Background: I'm a new nurse working in a headache clinic. We use Botulinum Toxin (Disport in this case) injections to treat severe migraines. To prepare the medication, it's my job to reconstitute the powder medication with normal saline by injection the saline into a vial containing the powder.
Now the funny thing about Disport is, in order to get the right concentration of the med, you need to inject more saline into the vial than the vial is intended to hold. As you inject the vial, you can actually feel the glass expanding. It's scary as hell, but we've never had one burst. Thankfully that's not what happened here.
Once all the saline was in, I withdrew the needle. Because of the pressure in the bottle and the tapered point/opening on the needle, a small amount was able to spray out and land right on my eyeball. I wasn't holding it at eye level, but just my luck, It found it's way there.
The whole eye went numb after a couple seconds. I took my contact lens out right away, and flushed the eye at an eyewash for about 20 minutes (not a great feeling. Lol) then 2 of our docs came to check out the eye. The ophthalmologist from the office next door was even nice enough to come look at it. The three of them actually had to do some research, as it's such a rare occurrence.
They all agreed, there was no real damage. The contact lens kept most of it of my pupil, so it wasn't able to absorb through my pupil. Some still got through, and partially paralyzed my pupil, but all that means is my pupil reaction to light is a little slow, which should wear off after about 3 months. I got very lucky. Apparently there's a chance a larger dose could have permanently paralyzed the pupil, or possibly other parts of the eye. It's hard to say for sure what it would have done.
So, thankfully this is a pretty anticlimactic story. Today I almost fucked up bad, but instead only fucked up a little. It wasn't as scary as when I got poop in my eye, and definitely not as bad as getting wound drainage in my mouth, but I can still say I got the world's most lethal toxin in my eye, which is kinda neat.
Applebomb511: I wanna hear the poop story
Fister__Mantastic: Not a whole ton to hear, really. I worked as a CNA (certified nursing assistant) for 5 years before I got my license. I was with Hospice, doing home care at the time, and my patient had a pretty epic bowel movement just before I got to his home. His family wasn't really prepared to deal with a BM of the proportions, so I helped clean him up. Unfortunately it was pretty much water, and my patient was very confused (dementia) so mid clean-up, he tried to kick me, and subsequently splattered liquid poo all over me, and in my eye. Thankfully, I alway keep spare scrubs in my car, and the family was nice enough to let me shower. Haha I love my line of work.
Applebomb511: Haha sounds pretty funny tbh I know a carer and know how hard it can be but damn I can imagine the guy just like "fuck you doing bitch I wipe my own ass "
Fister__Mantastic: Pretty much something like that. I'm just glad the family waited to let me do it. I can't imagine what his poor daughters would have done if it had happened to them. I always sort of expect it. Gotta be able to laugh it off. He didn't know any better.
Applebomb511: Hahah just read your name :) whole new perspective on it now
Fister__Mantastic: ಠ_ಠ
...I never really considered the name with regards to my job.
Username__Irrelevant: Didn't notice the name until mentioned; have to admit i presumed you were of the female persuasion based on your job (Iknow it's wrong, my brain did it) but your name suggests otherwise?
Fister__Mantastic: I'm a guy. Haha it's understandable. It's still a very female-dominated career.
| 9 | 28.888889 | |
1402353952 | 1402420714 | t3_27qke3 | t5_2to41 | 55 | SmoothWay: TIFU by running something over with the lawn mower
Today I was mowing the little private beach in my neighborhood, something I do on a weekly basis. I was out of town for a little bit so it had been nearly two weeks since my last trim. This had caused the grass to grow much more, to the point that I couldn't see some debris in the grass. This would ultimately lead to one of the worst moments of my life.
So I'm going about my business as usual. While I was mowing there were a few families down there and a bunch of 7-10 year olds were playing baseball. I did all the areas around them and figured I would let the parents and kids know I was going to go through where they were playing really quick just so I didn't have to come back and do it.
So I tell the parents, they tell their kids, and I start going through the area where they are playing. The kids didn't leave the field but rather just moved out of the way while I swept through quickly.
I was doing that mowing thing where you are too lazy to go down to pick up minor pieces of debris like small wrappers. Anything that won't damage the blades or create a serious mess I just run over because I'm lazy and I was trying to get out of their way so they could resume.
I noticed it at the last second. Since the grass was so long I didn't realize what it was. It wasn't a sandal or a ball, but rather a dead bird sitting in the long grass. It was too late. I ran over the dead bird and it shot feathers and blood and maggots that were decomposing the bird out the right side of the mower.
As I said, the kids didn't leave the field, and one was standing in the line of where grass would normally shoot out. This youngster ended up wearing most of the dead birds entrails on his legs.
I was completely frozen. The kid did what any normal kid would do in this situation and ran crying to his mom. As this was happening I was preparing for the berating I was about to take.
Sure enough, mommy, who was actually very attractive so I tried to focus on that being the sicko that I am, begins laying into me, giving me a couple of pointer fingers to the chest while calling me every name in the book. I just sat there and focused on her attractiveness in order to escape from the ordeal.
After two minutes or so of this, I do my apology bit because I'm clearly in the wrong here. I finished mowing, the kids may never play baseball again after being traumatized like this, and I'm now known in the neighborhood as "the guy that sprayed bird guts on a kid"
Tldr; mowed the lawn, ran over a bird, sprayed bird guts on a kid, got shredded by a hot mom, notorious in the neighborhood.
Update: Daddy just got home from work and apparently the first thing on his "Honey do" list was come down to my house and tell me to, and I quote "get my fucking head screwed on" and "resign from the position of weekly lawn mower of the beach".
Now I'm not sure if this guy thinks this is a position of prestige or that I have a contract, but it's not like I can head over to HR and put in my two week notice. It's a little side job, I get paid in cash, and it was a mistake. I'm both rattled and speechless right now.
CaptainTA: Fuck that guy, keep cutting the grass...
SmoothWay: Considering going and grabbing the bird carcass and doing the old flaming bag of dead bird on the doorstep prank.
Josiah621: Yeah fuck that guy, it was a accident..keep cutting grass and tell that fucker of a dad to shut his far Fucking cock holster and stay the fuck away from your house.
P.S. the flaming bag of poop is a good idea.
SmoothWay: Flaming bag of bird carcass**. I'm doing it tonight. Will take pictures. History will be made.
Josiah621: Hahaha, make sure you post a follow up :p
| 6 | 9.166667 | |
1402355613 | 1402356779 | t3_27qmyi | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting my milk [A little NSFW]
DatchEnvy: oh god. How do people come up with this?
Zalzanane: I'm scared.
| 3 | 2 | |
1402356283 | 1402362964 | t3_27qo3k | t5_2to41 | 31 | ineedtoremeber: TIFU by laughing at the worst time possible.
So today in history class we were watching Schindler's List for some end of the year filler stuff. I have already seen Schindler's List so I was completely tuned out.
SPOILERS BELOW
So I was reading this piece from 27/6 about a [permission slip](http://www.27bslash6.com/easter.html). I got to the end of the story and burst out laughing, now this wasn't a chuckle, this was good 2-3 loud bursts of laughter. When I looked up the video was paused and everyone was looking at me. I looked at the screen and to my horror recognized it.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mLSI8z6EcAs
This is part of where we were at but does not show the part where i had my outburst. Basically the jews at the labor camp are being forced to dig up their dead jewish brethren and burn their bodies. What happens next is Schindler shows up to observe and sees a girl in a red coats body being burned. The girl in the red coat is central to the movie because the rest of the movie is in black and white and represents innocence. It just so happens that I laughed right as her lifeless body fell into the flames...
My teacher stopped the movie and turned on the lights and said, "its clear some people still hold anti semitic views even in the modern world" then we all just sat their while everyone stared at me for about 5 minutes until the bell rang.
Im thinking about ditching history class for the 4 more days of school we have.
TLDR; girl symbolizing innocence is found dead and burning, I laugh.
[deleted]: You didn't correct them?
ineedtoremeber: It was a shock and awe sort of thing. I realized what it must have looked like to everyone else and just sort of sat there for 5 minutes comprehending what just happened. If I had 10 minutes before the bell rang i would have said something, but there were only 5 minutes left.
thatlazydude: Five minutes is still a pretty long time to be the class Hitler.
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1402359725 | 1402366335 | t3_27qtaq | t5_2to41 | 16 | djewkris: TIFU by picking a fight with a wall with my foot
So last night started out great. It's my 21st birthday and all my friends are in town to celebrate as a group downtown for the first time ever. I get pretty drunk (people kept buying me shots and I couldn't just say no) and we decide to head home.
As we drive up to the apartment, my friend asks why my front door is open. Alarmed, we hurry to the apartment to discover someone broke into my apartment with a crowbar and stole mostly my things. Luckily they only got a few hundred dollars cash from my friends, but they stole my ENGAGEMENT RING, my macbook, my xbox 360, all my jewelry, my bag of weed, and my brand new grinder.
Being drunk and angry and not knowing what else to do, I start kicking the wall as hard as I can multiple times. It took my fiance picking me up to stop me. Well this morning I woke up and found that kicking the wall broke my foot. I have a hairline fracture and a dislocated joint. So now I have hospital bills on top of everything else.
TL:DR Got robbed, kicked a wall in frustration, the wall won
sonia72quebec: I think you had the most terrible 21st birthday ever.
djewkris: I completely agree. Although it has scared me away from going downtown, so maybe it helped in the long run haha
Edit: it wouldn't have been so terrible if it hadn't been only my stuff. Then I could have been, hey this was an experience that brought me closer with my friends and we are all victims. Instead, I keep getting comments about how I should've been wearing my engagement ring (I took it off to go get drunk so I wouldn't lose it....) and how I over reacted.
sonia72quebec: It's the kind of story you're gonna tell in 10 years and laugh about.
djewkris: We've already managed to find a few funny things. Like they stole the xbox 360, the xbox 360 games, the ps3 games and controllers, but NOT the ps3. There were 5 computers and they only stole mine. They stole my car key but not my car. They even stole my damn thyroid medication. The thieves had some odd priorities
sonia72quebec: They were probably dumb and/or on drugs.
You made me think of a story: When I was a kid my parents had a small summer house. On a friday evening we arrived there to find it completely empty. They took EVERYTHING!!! Old furniture, appliances, cloths, toys, carpets, curtains, linens, patio furniture... Everything was gone. My dad was mad because they took his beer (He had a long drive and really wanted one)
The cops were very impress and almost didn't believe us. My parents sold it soon after that.
djewkris: Jesus that is impressive. I guess at least I didn't have that happen
sonia72quebec: Still, yours was on your birthday :(
djewkris: Hey I wanted a memorable birthday
| 9 | 1.777778 | |
1402359185 | 1402361271 | t3_27qsga | t5_2to41 | 11 | OC4815162342: TIFU by buying the wrong sized rings
I spent $300 on a scope and I buy the wrong rings for it. I was planning on meeting with a buddy I haven't seen in years to go shoot and now I can't. Great.
Can_Pilot: this is a Today, I made a mild error
OC4815162342: Its aggravating and time consuming. I have to return them and wait 2 weeks for the correct rings to be shipped so I might miss my competition shoot too.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1402361636 | 1402501410 | t3_27qw4h | t5_2to41 | 34 | ta-oopsie: TIFUpdate: I slept with my best friend's mom. Twice.
My post got way more attention than I expected. It was at around 50 replies or so when I had last seen it, but someone I know told me they saw it and figured out who I was, so I checked it out. This is a throwaway, my regular account will remain anonymous. Sorry for not participating in the discussion beyond the first night, I mostly expected everyone to assume it was bullshit (many did) and to ignore it. It got more attention than anything I've ever posted on my regular account.
Now to the meat of the topic:
First of all, I wasn't trying to use alcohol and weed as an excuse for what I did, just as an explanation for why I did. If I was sober, I know I would not have done it. The booty call I knew was dumb, but still irresistible. And as for the little alcohol that it took me to get drunk: I don't deal well with alcohol, and after only 3 beers in a night, I tend to wake up with a bad hangover.
A lot of people said I should have known about the crush. Truth is, from seeing the girls he's dated, I really wouldn't have expected to be his type. I don't look very feminine, so I don't usually get much attention from boys. I'll mention that I've been rejected pretty brutally by guys before (laughing, saying they're not interested cause they're not gay, etc), you get the point. *Cue the crushed dreams of lipstick lesbians*
He still hasn't mentioned anything about that yet though, so as of now, it's more assumption (likely or not) than fact. i would like to know, but I don't feel comfortable asking outright.
He flipped out at his mother, and she promptly put him back in his place about how her sexual behaviors and partners are none of his business. He did pretty much get the point, I think.
For those wondering, she has dated women before, so he knew she was bisexual. On the other hand, I did not know. I have only ever seen her date men.
He's still pissed at me, and I totally understand, but I think he will get over it. I know I will have to earn his trust again. At least we're on speaking terms. He doesn't literally hate me, which is good. He said several times "you're my friend" as opposed to "you were my friend" which is a good sign, I think.
To all who said I should just fuck him, that's really up to him. I'm not just gonna fuck him for the sake of fucking him, but if he had ever asked me out, or if he eventually does, I would not refuse. And as for the idea of sex with both of them (separately and monogamously), yeah it's a little weird, but I can get over it.
Anyway, feelings-wise, I'm all over the place. I know I betrayed my friend's trust, so I feel like shit about that. I also feel that who I sleep with really is irrelevant. I feel like his being upset is entirely understandable, though a bit unfair. And I feel somewhat abivalent about whether or not what I did was entirely wrong.
Some people asked how I would feel if he or another friend slept with one of my parents. Obviously I would be upset too, despite my opinion that it's irrelevant. Cognitive dissonance and whatnot, I guess. However it's a little different in my case in that my parents are still married, and I am quite obviously adopted (I am Chinese and my parents are both white.) I think I would get over it though.
Maybe I should set him up with my (white) sister to break the tension...
tomaytohtomahtoh: ...dude, he's your friend, and that's HIS MOM. He has every right to never forgive you, even if he HADN'T had a crush on you in the first place. You shouldn't just fuck with another family's dynamic like that, even if you think it's "irrelevant." You put your sexual gratification above your supposed friend's feelings. Straight up selfish.
GhostMatter: It's not his business who they sleep with.
balancedhighs: Troll. Don't even bother responding.
GhostMatter: Me!? Just because someone disagrees with you doesn't mean they're a troll. Grow up and stop calling people retards.
balancedhighs: Ok just replace retard with any obscene insult and I'd be happy. OP is a cunt. She really hasn't shown much remorse after doing something terrible. That is pretty cuntish in my books. So yeah. Let's replace retard with cunt if it makes you happy.
Also, it is his business, but only if that person happens to be a good friend who he trusts. If on the other hand it's a complete stranger, then yes, you are correct it is not his business.
| 6 | 5.666667 | |
1402357597 | 1402495425 | t3_27qq36 | t5_2to41 | 15 | Fleeing_Badger: TIFU by kinda selling my bike to myself.
Basically i was selling my bike on ebay and someone messaged me to ask whether i would accept cash off ebay and how much. So i replied to him with a price, all was good, what i never realised was that i get an email saying that i sent a message to him. I saw this email as a reply from him and emailed him back asking about when and where to collect the bike. I also removed the item from ebay as it was closing soonish and i didn't want someone else to bid. So now this guys going to think I'm a little crazy and I'm going to have to restart the process.
CodenameBubbles: I dont get it...
Fleeing_Badger: You don't get anything do you? Me and Bubba we were gona go fishing man, we were gona go home and buy a trawler to sell shrimp, shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it, dey's uh, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo, pan fried, deep fried and stir-fried. There's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich. We planned all this man but he didn't make it, he lost his legs man, so much blood....
CodenameBubbles: A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
Fleeing_Badger: That sounds orgasmic. Talking of orgasms, did you know that shrimps live in the sea.
CodenameBubbles: I didn't, did you know that orgasm come from the greek word orgas which means shrimp?
Fleeing_Badger: Did you know that the latin word for shrimp is penaeus, which reminds me of the word penis. So basically we discovered shrimp, historically, were very sexual creatures.
sameoldnigga: I enjoyed reading this thread
| 8 | 1.875 | |
1402361042 | 1402437787 | t3_27qv8e | t5_2to41 | 139 | Dyson_Disaster: TIFU by putting my ballsack into a Dyson AirBlade
So Saturday night, myself and a few good buds are out at a trendy bar going through our usual routine: 1) drink, 2) goof off, 3) "spit game" at cute girls, and 4) dance like idiots. 9 times out of 10, this routine ends with three or four of us dudes eating torso-sized pizza slices and passing out in someone's living room with a Netflix movie on. I'm fine with that result, and had no intention of ending the night in any other way. On this Saturday night, however, there happened to be an absolutely gorgeous girl at the bar who, miraculously, was quite receptive to my version of steps 3 and 4. We took shots, talked about work, and even got sweaty together on the dance floor. At around 1 AM we exchanged numbers and agreed to get drinks later in the week. I then excused myself momentarily to go to the bathroom...
Queue the bathroom. I've stayed at 4- and 5-star hotels that didn't have bathrooms this nice. Each bathroom has its own locking door, large toilet, sink, and--you guessed it--Dyson AirBlade. Like most guys my age (26), I've wanted to stick my nuts into one of these puppies ever since I first laid eyes on one. So after finishing my business and washing up, I went for it. Pants around my ankles, I lowered my package into the crevice. Glory. I cannot describe to you how good if felt. It was like a thousand angels blowing cool air onto my sweaty sack from all sides at once. I lose myself in the moment. In fact, I am so wholly encompassed in the discovery I've just made that I don't immediately notice the door opening next to me. The music gets louder, the lights raise, and suddenly I'm exposed to the aforementioned gorgeous girls and two of her friends, who have just opened the door (which I forgot to lock). Screams of "WHAT THE FUCK" and "DON'T EVER FUCKING CALL ME, YOU SICKO" followed, and I quickly exited the bar.
On the bright side, I had ended the night with a really good slice of pizza and watched a documentary about the font "Helvetica." Good times.
Tks23: http://i.imgur.com/xmJ67iD.png
Just like /u/AWildSketchAppeared only worse^alotworse
Username__Irrelevant: Why so blurry? It looks like you printed it, took a photo of it then put it back on the pc and used smudge.. Or just used smudge.
Tks23: http://i.imgur.com/cADHlRO.png
Username__Irrelevant: Gonna use that.
Didn't mean any offence by the way; still better than I'd be able to do.
Tks23: http://i.imgur.com/zhGdUof.png
Username__Irrelevant: Also that, you cannot be coming up with these right now, if you are you will go far.
| 7 | 19.857143 | |
1402365382 | 1402585711 | t3_27r1ma | t5_2to41 | 129 | [deleted]: TIFU by being high and horny
Fuck throwaways!
This morning at about 2AM i was fairly high on some drugs of my choice when I started to get a little stirring in my pants. I decided to go ahead do something about this but about halfway through my hand was hurting because of a rather big cut i have from cutting food earlier in the day.
So what do i do? I get on Amazon and start looking at Fleshlights. well one thing leads to another and I end up ordering one...then another, and another, and another. By the time i was finished and went to bed i had ordered 5 fleshlights and 2 16oz bottles of lube.
so I wake up this afternoon (5PM) to my mom saying i had a box in the mail. (overnight delivery, cause you know my high horny self can't wait 3-5 business days!)
She asks
"What's in it?"
"I don't Know, Let's find out" (i had no idea that i had emptied my wallet last night for my future sexual pleasure)
I Take my pocket knife and cut one side of the tape, cut the other side, open the flaps and then I hand her the bubble wrap that was covering it all...I hand her the only thing that was covering her eyes from seeing 5 fleshlights that will soon be wrapped around my cock.
I sat there in shock and confusion at what was happening. My mind trying to figure out why are these here? and what to do with them.
Since my mother was standing there with the only thing to cover it i decided the only logical thing to do was to "freak out" so I threw them on the ground and tried to act as disgusted as possible.
So here i am with fleshlights and lube scattered on the floor me sitting on my bed and my mom just standing there acting unphased still holding the bubble wrap.
She walks over to the mess on the floor and starts picking them up and putting them back in the box.
She hands me the box and says toys are safer than one night stands, then walked out my room.
I have been sitting here debating on whether or not i should use my new toys or be ashamed that i spent on $150 on fleshlights and my mom found out.
thatlazydude: But... *five* of them?
SatanMD: You know. For variety. Not everyone wants the same thing for dinner every night.
allaccountnamesgone: And there are actually different ones molded from different pornstars vaginas.
iatethesky1: You're a lonely motherfucker, ain't ya.
allaccountnamesgone: Nope a pornstar did an ama last winter after she had her vag used as a mold for one I just have a solid memory for stupid random shit.
| 6 | 21.5 | |
1402365439 | 1402426754 | t3_27r1pd | t5_2to41 | 9 | blahblahblahbu: TIFU by reading manga in a class
So today I fucked up. This what happened to me in one of my university classes. I have one of my evening classes that is from 6-9. The class is pretty boring, and no amounts of coffee will make me to stay awake. SO i decided to bring manga to class.
Well, it is not big deal. I came to my class, sat very far away where the smallest amount of light is available. I also covered the manga with a cover, so it will look like regular school notebook. That was the most exciting class in my life, i barely could hold giggles and had to staff my scarf into my mouth.
As class ended, i realized that there were some questions that i wanted to ask about lecture. Well, of course i just spent three hours in completely different world, and no doubt i missed all important points of the lecture. So i went straight to prof, while contemplating bringing my holy book with me so no one will see it while i am talking to professor.
So i came up to prof, and asked him some questions. When someone accidentally pushes me from behind, while trying to leave (everyone runs from that class so fast). And all my belongings scatter around, I have never staple my class notes. SO i try to pick up my class notes from my classmates' foots. and when i turned to prof I see him holding my manga book with his eyes round.... Seems like he picked it for me....THAT WAS THE WORST MOMENT IN MY LIFE.... I blushed like crazy, when I see that ruler sticking out of manga exactly where I have stopped reading... NOTHING CAN BE MORE WORSE THAN THAT....
It was exactly that page I fondly look for about last half an hour....THAT PAGE>>>
After few minutes of total terror, he closes it and with his big grin on his face tells me that I need to pay more attention to class and not come to ask him afterwards...
I took book and run as fast as I could, seriously considering dropping the course!
And if u are wondering, the manga I read so suspiciously in the corner of class was hard yaoi....And prof saw the most barbaric page in the whole book, and it is all coz of my stupidity of bringing such manga to class and even leaving ruler on that page....
NovaPrime117: Problems being an Otaku
blahblahblahbu: Hm who told u i am? don't judge a book by its cover
NovaPrime117: Even if a little, reading a Manga makes you an Otaku :P
asbot3: I'm not an Otaku, I just read Hard Yaoi during a 3 hour University lecture.....
http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lpfhx2YaYT1qafrh6.gif
NovaPrime117: Hahahah, Right..
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1402363949 | 1402380564 | t3_27qzjj | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by adjusting my package and picking my nose.
So here's how it is. My girlfriend had a bad day at work, so I decided to cook for her when she got home. I made some bomb ass Asian chicken and rice. It was tasty as hell. To spice it up, I sliced up a Thai chili pepper.
I'm sure you can see where this is going.
After we were done eating, we were lounging on the couch. I had my legs crossed, and my boys were getting a bit squished, so I reached into me underwears and adjusted them. A couple of minutes later, my sack got this burning, itching feeling. I couldn't figure out what was going on for the life of me, but it went away.
A little later, she went to the bathroom, so I decided that it was a good time to go digging for gold. Don't look at me like that, we all do it. Suddenly, the burning was back, but in my nostril. It was at this point that I remembered that I neglected to wash my hands after the pepper.
So now my eyes are watering and my nose is on fire. I'm an idiot.
tishstars: Reading this, I think I'd suffer a few minutes of spicy balls/nose in exchange for some Asian chicken and rice. Hook me up with your recipe :)
[deleted]: I honestly just slice some chicken tenderloins (you can usually find them right next to the breasts) into cubes, cook them in a pan with some oil, and then use a packet of sauce mix from the grocery store. I throw in a diced chili pepper at some point, usually while the chicken is cooking.
The sauce packets are pretty good and super cheap.
tishstars: Cool, what brand do you go with?
[deleted]: Apparently, it's Sun Bird brand. You just mix the powder with some water and soy sauce. Sometimes it'll call for a bit of sugar or to coat the chicken bits in flour.
tishstars: OK cool, I'll search for it in my Asian supermarket. Thanks!
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1402370681 | 1402382381 | t3_27r9fx | t5_2to41 | 11 | ZzombieJesus: TIFU by spraying tea tree oil on my nuts!
I have athletes foot and jock itch. Was talking to my mom yesterday and she just happened to have a list for what tea tree oil cures (apparently a lot) Such as athetes foot, jock itch, exema, warts and a more. Well, I picked some up after work and sprayed it on my foot. Diddnt burn or anything. It was just wet. So I decide to spray it between my leg and nut sack for my jock itch. No big deal. Sit down to watch a movie with my wife, when I get a cold tingly sensation. Then it feels like I dipped my balls in tiger balm!
I try wiping them with wet wipes. Doesnt work. Jump in the shower. Next fucking mistake. The oil spreads to my ass hole and dick hole. Burns like a sonofabitch!
By the time I wrote this, my sack just feels cool and sort of refreshing. Still don't recommend it.
I fucked up.
tishstars: What is it with people on this subreddit fondling their nuts with all sorts of chemicals? Am I the only guy here that just leaves them in peace until shaving time comes??! And even then, it's a simple procedure of shaving cream. Not elaborate tree oil to make sure they slide on my thighs like well-oiled machinery.
ZzombieJesus: It does seem like that on this sub. I was just trying to heal. My mom doesn't know I have jock itch. If she did she would have told me me to dilute it in water first. Still not going to do it again. burn me twice, shame on me. Btw, its not a chemical.
tishstars: I know it's not lol, just a general surprise that people are so avid to rub shit on their crotch.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1402372040 | 1402504230 | t3_27rbdk | t5_2to41 | 20 | say592: TIFU by Repeatedly Shouting "I'm a goat!"
This fuckup is brought to you by my wife.
Ever since Goat Simulator came out, my wife has this fun thing where she will randomly ram me with her head and shout "I'm a goat!". Its actually pretty hilarious. She also suffers from a condition that gives her grueling migraines. See where Im going with this?
I was laughing at the silly voices that she was talking to the dogs in, when suddenly she runs over and starts swinging her head at me screaming "I'm a goat!". She does this about 8-10 times before she doubled over in pain. Her head is visibly swollen from the resulting migraine, and she has been sitting quietly ever since.
**tl:dr** Wife rammed her head into me repeatedly while screaming "I'm a goat!" and developed a crippling migraine.
[deleted]: Don't want to be a downer but I might suggest seeing a doctor.
I get migraines frequently; I have my whole life. There's not a lot of evidence for what causes migraines or if they could be induced by different things in different people. But I rarely hear it suggested that physical banging of the head could induce a "migraine" headache.
I'd be worried it could be something more serious given the nature of what caused the headache. It's often surprising how sometimes concussions or life-threatening damage/swelling could be caused by what anyone would assume is just a minor bump.
I don't want to be sensationalist, but brain things freak me out.
say592: Not sensationalist at all. She has been diagnosed with a condition where her body produces excess spinal fluid, which pools around her brain and at the base of her spine, causing the migraines. She gets spinal taps and lumbar punctures for relief, and used to frequent a neurologist.
Migraines are nothing to fuck around with. I never really realized it before I met her, but frequent headaches and/or migraines are a sign that something else is wrong. In her case, her condition could have gotten much worse if it went untreated, and due to the pressure put on her optic nerves, she could have (still could) go blind as a result.
cessairlives: In light of the possibility of impending blindness, might I respectfully suggest ceasing to engage in the "I'm a goat" game? ;)
say592: Her exact reply was as follows:
"I shall do not such thing! I am the goat champion!"
She then proceeded to ram my arm with her head.
Username__Irrelevant: She's a keeper particularly if you're welsh.
ProPuke: Secret twist: Wife actually **is** goat
say592: Goat Simulator was modeled after my life.
cessairlives: ... your wife is a strange woman. I think I like her.
say592: BACK OFF SHE'S MINE!
She is really weird, but in the best way. This is probably one of the less absurd running jokes we have.
| 10 | 2 | |
1402370175 | 1402413065 | t3_27r8q9 | t5_2to41 | 16 | [deleted]: TIFU by losing a handgun
My father gave me a .45 way back when. Well, actually when I was a teenager I took it from him, he knew one day it would be mine and that was that.
For the past 5 years I've been storing it in a big Rubbermaid tote with last seasons clothes.
Just last night I was getting ready to swap around my clothes, (it snowed last month here in Wisconsin, so I was in no rush to hide my long sleeve shirts) and the gun isn't there!
I'm scared. My father left that to me, it was his baby. There were only a few people on Earth who knew where "Junior" was. One was an ex with a nasty rap sheet. I walked to a public phone by my house (I have had to block him from every single number I can normally reach him at) and he doesn't remember ever seeing it. Okay. I remember him seeing it.
The last time the gun was in my hand was early April of this year. WHAT THE HELL DID I DO WITH IT? The magazine was out, and nowhere near it, I do remember that much. I don't keep the damn thing loaded, not with my redneck temper.
I called the police to make a report. I would love nothing more than to find out that my mother took the damn thing and sold it, (my father passed away a few years ago and my mom enjoys not working.)
The cop comes to my house, I tell him everything I can about it. Everything but the serial number, sorry, I hadn't gotten around to having it tattooed over where my heart should be. He told me without the serial number there is nothing they can do.
The cop tells me that I should call the ATF and see if they can help me track down the serial number. I called the ATF and the guy said without knowing the exact name and/or location of the gun shop that sold it, there is no way to track it. He said there is no national database for that sort of thing. He said he is grateful that we have that privacy. (I'm thinking to myself, what privacy? The government outlawed that.)
I was blown away! I said, "This is why gang violence happens." The guy laughed.
I live in Wisconsin, since I have been born my father has been purchasing firearms on the north side of Chicago (from a real shop....). Policy is, the gun is sent to a guy local to me, in the state, and after the 3 day holding period my father would go and get it. I made some additional calls, hopefully tomorrow I can find out if that local guy knows anything.
If I'm correct though, my father purchased the .45 in New Jersey when he was serving in the military between 1966 and 70.
I'm fucked.
Biscuitbaiter: It sucks that you lost the piece due to the sentimental value. At this point keep record of whatever you can from the police. If they filed a report, request a copy from them for your records. It's scary that there is a weapon out there and could be in the wrong hands. There isn't anything that will impact you negatively at this point though. The fact that your father has passed and nothing is going to come back on him regardless is one plus out of this giant negative. It's surprising how little that is actually done regardless of having the serial number or not though. I was staying in a La Quinta hotel during a business trip in Greensboro, Denver this past fall. Like I normally do when staying away from home, I had set my pistol inside the nightstand by the bed. Unfortunately, I had forgotten it in the nightstand when I left early the next morning, which was not normal... I was completing the last of the meetings and on the way out of town later that day when suddenly it hit me. I had left my loaded firearm in the nightstand of the hotel! I called and spoke to the GM of the hotel who check the room with the maintenance guy as I was driving back to the hotel to recover my firearm. When I had arrived she stated that there had been no firearm in the location I stated. We went back together and picked the entire place apart and came up with nothing. She had stated she check the key log for the door and that other then when I had opened the door the night before the only other people to enter were the two maids who cleaned the room. The GM of the hotel explained that one maid cleans the room and the another one or her manager will come and check off the room. I requested that the police be contacted and she obliged. The GM left and called the cops and also went to contact the two maids. After speaking to the maids via telephone she stated to me that she had called and talked with them and neither of them had seen it. I asked if it was normal to call and ask something like that over the phone and she said back to me, "We don't have theft in this hotel". I was really freaking out at this point because I knew without a doubt it was there and it was forgotten when I left. I remember thinking, "Great! Now there is a loaded gun out on the streets with god only knows with who". The police came around 10min after the call. I had given the officer my basic contact info and address as well as a description of the gun. I had had a picture of the serial number that came on the box I kept in my phone that I used to retrieve the ID for the officer. The officer then went on to say, "This is what is gonna happen. I am going to call this in as a possible stolen or lost firearm and you will probably not hear anything back because there is not much chance of finding it". I had informed the officer about the card information from my room's door and how it could be tracked to only a handful of people and he should interview them as a possible lead. He said, "I'll call them when I'm done with you here, but, there isn't much I can do past talking with them". All I had wanted was a thorough look into the evidence and I told the officer the same thing. As I sat there I remember feeling blown away; there is a loaded firearm out there and who the hell knows what is going on with it! There were leads and possible ways of finding this thing and it seemed like no one really cared! I was told I could call back in a few days with the station and check on the report. When asking the officer what all of this meant not understanding that he was done calling his stuff in. He simply said, "Well you take the target off your back by contacting us but I can tell you I have been doing this a long time and nothing will come out of it". So I was left without my firearm or knowledge of who had it for what purposes... I still think often about how stupid I had been but it definitely changed my understanding of how things work. I have a file with the information the hotel GM had written as an incident report. The cop never filed anything with me there he simply wrote a few things down on his notebook and called it in in the car. I called around three days later just to make sure the station had record of the incident. They had everything and other then the terrible feeling I was left with regarding the situation there really isn't anything I could do to fix it. The process is definitely a lot different then most people out there realize though IMO... Even though I was always very conscience of what I was doing with my firearms one mistake was all it took for someone to be dishonest and take advantage of the situation. I still carry and still travel with a firearm after purchasing another one. However, I am a lot more careful about ensuring a similar mistake doesn't happen again. The important thing I think though is that even if the object is gone you will always carry those memories. I wish you the best of luck! Don't get too down on yourself. Perhaps a locking gun safe for any remaining firearms though?
bisnotyourarmy: I'm gonna need some paragraphs before I try to read that on mobile.
Prospekt01: I'm gonna need some paragraphs before I try to read that on a PC..
| 4 | 4 | |
1402374328 | 1402379668 | t3_27ref4 | t5_2to41 | 7 | nolubelarry: TIFU by surprising my girlfriend with intercourse
MyCreatedAccount: Hmm, who sleeps in a spare bedroom in their own home?
MonkeyTails33: Who says provide intercourse
MyCreatedAccount: I was saying either it is fake or she knows about the roleplay, so yeah.
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1402375338 | 1402417155 | t3_27rfni | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking friend for a selfie
After pestering my new online friend for a selfie, I *complimented* him by telling him he looks like the tranny version of his cousin. She is a beautiful girl, he just happens to be a boy. Now he thinks I called him ugly and I can't un-see his cousin every time I talk to him. ._.
Edit: Spelling/Words
Applebomb511: If you're gonna call someone a tranny, your gonna have a bad time
[deleted]: I did. :< my English is still not very good so I make a lot of mistakes with words.
[deleted]: It's a slur though, so please don't use it again :)
[deleted]: I understand. As I said in a previous comment, I apologize if it offends anyone, I will be more mindful about what words I choose. However, could you explain why it is bad? O:
[deleted]: It's been used in a derogatory way towards trans people, especially women. It's othering and dehumanizing, and most trans people have had that word hurled at them at one point in their lives. It's like using a racist, sexist or homophobic slur.
[deleted]: I see. But what is the real meaning then? So confusing.
[deleted]: What do you mean? It's an ugly way of saying trans woman.
[deleted]: why is it ugly? So it is better to say trans woman when referring to such? I hope I do not sound too ignorant, I just really do not understand.
[deleted]: Yeah, just say that instead :)
[deleted]: ok!Thank you for explaining.
| 11 | 1.545455 | |
1402379194 | 1403171994 | t3_27rk4b | t5_2to41 | 212 | PotatoErection: TIFU by smoking Opium
Editr: This actually happened last night, but its been less than 24 hours so I think it counts as 'today'.
I am a student studying abroad in China. I have a few days off from classes do I decided it would be a great time to do some traveling/hiking in the Yunnan province (Southwestern China). I booked a room in a Hostel near Emei Shan for a few days. I became friends with one of the owners, let's call him Gerald. After having tea together one evening, he invited me out to his friend's bar and I accepted. At this point it's worth mentioning that my Chinese isn't all that good. I can understand a lot, but my speaking skills are limited to saying things like "Give me another beer" and "Where's the bathroom?"
So we're at the bar, I'm chilling, listening to the live band, drinking a few beers and having a great time. Gerald is a pretty popular guy - a lot of people were coming up to greet/drink with him. After some time I smelled what I believed to be weed. I looked around the room but I couldn't find where it was coming from. When I smell it again I look right next to me and I realize that Gerald and his friend are passing a doobie back and forth. Their eyes were glassy and they were acting real goofy. When Gerald realized that I caught on to what they were doing, he smiled and said something along the lines of "We grow this ourselves, it's good. Want some?" Happy to find fellow cabbage heads in a place where weed is so hard to come across, I nodded and reached for the joint.
The joint was thin so I had a hard time getting a firm grasp. I took a hit, but because I wasn't able to get my lips around the filter I wasn't sure how much smoke I had gotten - it didn't feel like much. I exhaled and felt something almost immediately. Which was strange, because usually it takes at least a few minutes for me to feel a high, even if I had been drinking beforehand. But I shrugged it off and figured that it was just really high-quality cannabis.
"Wow!" I said. "这是好的! {this is good}". I wanted to ask Gerald what type of weed this was, but I wasn't sure how to articulate the question. Being the type of student I am, I knew the word for marijuana (大麻 - pronounced "da-ma"), so I just went for it and asked "这种大麻是什么样子？”, which translates directly to "this type of cannabis is what style?" Or some incoherent nonsense like that. Gerald gave me a funny look but seemed to understand what I was trying to say. He responded in partial English, "This not 大麻", he said pointing to the cigarette, "This da-yan”.
"Ah", I said, pretending to understand what he was saying. I assumed that this "da-yan" was the strain of weed we just smoked. Gerald let out an awkward laugh and made the motion for me to take another hit, so I did.
This time I was able to get my mouth in good position with my lips getting a seal around the filter. I inhaled as much smoke as I could and held it deep in my lungs. The smoke was sweet and smooth, and had almost a chocolatey aroma; it was nothing like I had ever tasted before. I exhaled through my nose and this time there was a visible cloud of smoke left floating above. Despite the huge hit, I didn't have the slightest urge to cough - my throat wasn't even irritated. With a grin on my face I turned Gerald and gave him a thumbs up. He laughed and motioned for me to take another hit. I took the hit and passed the joint back to Gerald. I had a train to catch next morning so I didn't want to get too high.
After I exhaled, my mouth was feeling pretty dry so I reached out for my beer on the table. Before I even grabbed the bottle, I was hit by this deep, overwhelming rush. I am not entirely sure how to describe it. It was almost like an real-life FPS (frames per second - for those of you who don't play online games) drop. The room began pulsating. My breathing started to slow. I felt blood rushing to the surface of my ears. I could feel the earth rotating beneath my feet. As I leaned back into the seat, I started to feel light-headed and nauseous for a few moments, but the feeling passed. The high was nothing like I had ever experienced before, and it was intense.
The next few hours is kind of a blur. We went to a few more bars and drank some more. At some point I realized that I was still feeling very high and getting these intense episodes of euphoria despite not having smoked in a while. Out of curiosity, I decided to take out my iPhone and Bing the name of that strain from earlier (Google is slow as hell in China). After searching various character combinations with the pronunciation of "da-yan", I finally found something. 大烟 - a few pictures of these colorful flowers pop up and I'm thinking "Wow, cannabis looks nothing like this in the US!" I scroll down a little bit more and my eye catches the word opium....opium? Opium. I just smoked opium. And not just a little opium, A LOT of opium.
The high lasted another 4 or 5 hours, but I spent the rest of the night in an opium-induced panic.
I smoke weed every once in a while, but I never ever ever wanted to try any harder drugs, especially opium. I wrote this to cope with the experience, thanks for reading Reddit.
TLDR: Don't take drugs from strangers.
[deleted]: Another sub full of dumbasses druggies. Don't you guys have your own sub?
MarijuanaMagic: I wouldn't be insulting someone else's intelligence with that grammar.
[deleted]: No, you probably wouldn't. Since you seem to equate grammar mistakes with DRUG ABUSE, you are likely as ignorant as the morons I'm addressing.
MarijuanaMagic: Drug use =/= drug abuse
Opiums are harmless unless you get addicted, a one time occasion isn't going to do that. Don't assume people are stupid for using drugs
[deleted]: You do drugs, you're an idiot. Plain and fucking simple. Druggie.
MarijuanaMagic: And you're ignorant, plan and simple.
People like you make me sick. Looking through your post history I can't tell if you're a troll or just 12. Let me guess, bullied, not the best looking, unloved by their parents? Don't worry, when you grow up you'll understand that different opinions doesn't mean wrong.
http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/27hdgt/tifu_by_setting_the_college_on_fire/ci11r6b
Ironic
[deleted]: I'm 50 child. Parents long dead. I have a son likely older than you, ignorant arrogant ass.
And you are a fucking moron for doing drugs. No question, no doubt.
canyoufeelme: Dear lord, you're fifty? How sad. I can only assume you are single and very unhappy.
MarijuanaMagic: Don't bite the bait like I did. It's just a troll, ignore it and turn away.
| 10 | 21.2 | |
1402380097 | 1402465488 | t3_27rl29 | t5_2to41 | 78 | GlueonBallsthrowaway: TIFU by masturbating with hair gel [NSFW]
Throwaway because one of my friends is a redditor. I'm your average 15- year- old male, and I masturbate a lot because who doesn't? Anyway, I was in my room when I suddenly felt horny. I got up to go to the bathroom to have a quick wank session and I saw the hair gel I use to style my hair sitting on the bathroom counter. Normally I just use lotion, but the hair gel had piqued my curiosity.
I remembered how the hair gel felt slimy and slippery, and I wondered if it would make a better lube than the lotion I normally use. So I decided to use the hair gel instead. I applied a generous amount and began to masturbate. I'm not gonna lie, it felt pretty glorious.
Fast forward a few minutes, I finish, and I put my pants back on and thought nothing of it. Until a few hours later.
I began to notice some discomfort in my pants, and it kept getting worse as time passed. Eventually I decided to investigate. I went to pull my pants down, only to discover that I couldn't.
Turns out the hair gel had acted like glue and glued my penis and balls to my underwear. After several agonizing minutes of slowly peeling my underwear off my crotch, I managed to get them off.
Now I was faced with two new problems:
1. That was my only clean pair of underwear, and now there's dried hair gel in them.
2. I still felt pretty uncomfortable because my cock and balls were glued to each other.
I took a shower, carefully rinsing all the evil hair gel off of myself. Never again.
tl;dr: Using hair gel as lube is never a good idea- you may as well be jacking off with glue.
Redditenmo: Since you're still young let me help save you from some painful experiences:
* Shampoo - good at the time, stings to pee later (even if you use no more tears)
* Conditioner - not as good as shampoo at the time, less stingy later
* Shaving Gel - gets sticky, won't last as long as you do.
* Moisturizer - pretty good, can get a bit sticky if you have stamina, and the odour can linger.
* Soap - See Shampoo, double the sting.
* Vaseline - Terrible, and hard to remove
* Hair Wax - See Vaseline.
* Hair Spray - Only tried once, sprayed direct - cold and painful, would not recommend.
If you really want to improve your solo sex life now, most supermarkets sell lube, it's not an age restricted product. If you can just walk to one after school one afternoon. For self use only totally recommend silicon based, nothing is better for self use.
mysterysail: You forgot Icy Hot - soooo common among young dumb boys.
Redditenmo: Is that one of those warming creams? like Deep Heat?
I can honestly say I was never that young n dumb.
mysterysail: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jW-k4vRGsRA
spoiler: icy hot on balls really hurts and made the circuit as a challenge/prank/dare in the mid-2ks
| 5 | 15.6 | |
1402371630 | 1402442004 | t3_27rat6 | t5_2to41 | 10 | PancakesandMaggots: TIFU by not fully reading a r/funny title in front of my girlfriend.
Just browsing through r/funny with my SO when I clicked on a link without noticing the NSFW tag (its the one talking about cosplay if anyone is asking), and boom a 28 inch computer screen filled with the picture of a naked lady in chain mail. Now my SO is extremely suspicious of my viewing habits on reddit (and somewhat rightly so), making for an awkward day.
Lockjaw7130: Wait, you were browsing WITH your SO? So she should know that you just clicked it. It's on the frontpage.
Not mention, dude, you can watch porn in a relationship. If she doesn't understand that, you should probably explain to her.
PancakesandMaggots: No that is known, its the amount that's unknown haha
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1402369983 | 1402400327 | t3_27r8fa | t5_2to41 | 11 | mrainbalfunction: TIFU by pissing myself before I even had my coffee.
This morning I woke up groggy as hell from the 4 hours of sleep I am allowed on the glorious space between the end of an closing shift and the beginning of an opening shift.
After smashing the snooze button for the fiftieth time and mustering up the energy to flop out of bed, I meandered my way into the bathroom to begin my morning routine.
To any normally functioning person, this routine should be insanely easy. Take a piss, take a shower, brush my teeth, straighten my hair, grab a cup of coffee, grab a cliff bar and head out for another day of hating my choice to not go to college.
Unlike most days however, phase one of this routine didn't go according to plan. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation. Maybe it was ass end of 28 hours of retail work in 2 days slowing my mental processes. Whatever it was, the result was a skewing of my internal checklist to disastrous ends.
As I'm sure most normal people do, I rattled off the steps in my head as I completed them.
Lower toilet seat? Check. Lower self onto toilet? Check. Begin urination? Check.
Wait.
Pause.
Stahp.
Error.
Danger zone.
My nervous and cardiovascular systems went into overdrive as I tried my hardest in my weary state to locate and correct the anomalies I was noticing.
Where was the thunderous roar of urine and toilet water colliding? And much more importantly, why was my ass so god damn warm?
I glanced down and noticed what I highly suspect to be the cause of the problem. I was still wearing my fucking pants.
I spent several precious seconds being overwhelmed by my own stupidity. Fuck. How? Damn, fuck. Really, self? Fuck, ass, fuck. Fuck.
At this point I decided that the time for thought was over and the time for action was now. I must stop peeing. I used all the strength I could gather, but it was no use. The armies of ten thousand nations wouldn't have been able to gather enough force to wedge my urethra closed when it was in the middle of the first pee of the day.
So, reluctantly, I made a mental note to start doing kegals and finished peeing. In my pants. Before 6 am.
Look on my works, ye Mighty and despair.
ButtfacePorcupine: >TIFU by pissing myself before I even had my coffee.
There's your problem! Normally I like to piss myself after I have had my coffee
ExParrot1337: Totally. So sick of piss wasted before coffee.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1402384471 | 1402455410 | t3_27rp8c | t5_2to41 | 41 | 2balls1hidden: TIFU by masturbating upside down
I was edging for about two hours, which peaked about five minutes ago. Right when I peaked, I was so horny that I decided to masturbate upside down with my legs against the wall at a 90 degree angle, so that I could "shoot" further onto my chest.
I had the strongest orgasm ever, but to my dismay my right testicle went up inside my body during it. I felt something weird when I did a 180 and rolled off my bed and stood up - while I was cleaning up my chest (I reached my goal) I noticed I only had *one ball* hanging within my scrotum.
Horrifically, the area right above my penis (on the right) was protruding where my right testicle had retracted up. I hit it repeatedly, but very softly like [The Fugees](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKOtzIo-uYw) once said, and it "popped" back down.
I have almost got attacked by a bear, yet this was one of the scariest moments of my life. All I could think of was *what am I going to tell the doctor when I go to the walk-in emergency?*
**TL;DR:** Defied gravity and masturbated upside down like a bat; my right testicle got so excited that gravity retaliated back and pushed it up inside my body as punishment.
Drewisawesome: So on a scale of one to ten how worthwhile was it? Cause now I'm curious
SatanMD: Sounded like he had a blast... sorry.
inevitabled34th: Time to show yourself out...
SatanMD: ^I ^said ^Im ^sorry...
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1402384386 | 1402430531 | t3_27rp5w | t5_2to41 | 61 | contraben: TIFU by getting liquid solder in my eye.
I was doing electronics at school in a tech class. I was soldering a resistor to a circuit. I soldered the first little metal arm thing. But when I went to solder the second one it didn't want to stay down so I used a nail to hold it as I put the solder on. Having put the solder on I quickly removed the nail. That's when this resistor kind of catapulted the liquid solder into my eye (wasn't wearing safety glasses.) It hurt like a mother... I went and showed the teacher he said "nothing is there but go to the nurse anyway". Who said there is no solder on your eye.
I then went to the doctor who saw it and scraped it of my eyeball with a needle which was painful and terrifying.
[deleted]: How the fuck did you solder that thing? Normally you put the connecting pins (unless it's not SMD) through the holes on the board, then you fold the pins so the part doesn't move and there you go. Stays there like old chewing gum on the underside of a desk.
contraben: This is a circuit we made by nailing nails into wood then soldered the components on top of the nails.
[deleted]: Sounds like the most stupid thing one can do... seriously, layout software is free for schools nowadays and making circuitboards is a piece of cake.
| 4 | 15.25 | |
1402382818 | 1402400449 | t3_27rnpq | t5_2to41 | 23 | Noonewon1: TIFU by sending a mass email without using BCC, sharing my workplaces entire email database with competitors
I work in sales. My boss asked me to come up with a series of email ads for a product. He gave me access to our email database, and asked me to use it to distribute the ad.
There would be no issues with competitors seeing the ad itself, so I didn't think there would be any need to remove them from the database (competitors here = other local businesses who sell similar products).
So, I complete my ad, pretty up my email, then copy and paste the entire email database in the "to:" section of the email, and hit send, thereby sharing the entire email database with our competitors and compromising all the email addresses of customers and businesses who prefer to keep their details private.
Boss doesn't know yet, but I'm assuming he will very soon. I'm debating going to him and explaining, although it was a pretty big brain fart ...
tl:dr - I emailed our entire contact list to our main competitors.
Update: I went to the boss, explained what happened ... he didn't say much, but gave me a look that tells me this is far from over ...
Update 2: The boss had a meeting this morning with the "big boss". I heard them mention my name, but everyone seems pretty carefree at this stage. Coming clean looks to have been the way to go ... unless I get a written warning or something at our next meeting.
Final Update: Aaaand apparently everything is fine. Everything is business as usual. Sometimes this job weirds me out!
lhloong: Tried recall yet? If you're on outlook and you hit recall, the email gets recalled from the competitors who have not opened the email yet. Worth a shot?
Noonewon1: Unfortunately, I can't use outlook on my system ... some configuration thing, which, when combined with my windows XP system, means I have to use gmail via apps or something (basically I log in to gmail with a non gmail address) ... so recall was a no go. From what I could see, you can only recall very recent emails?
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1402394560 | 1402412283 | t3_27rvvd | t5_2to41 | 38 | poopytabletthrowaway: Well come clean the tablet up an dry it out and the vid will be all yours!
Captain__Caveman: Just plug it in on ur computer
poopytabletthrowaway: Will it transfer if tablet wont turn on?
Captain__Caveman: i dont know maybe ?
poopytabletthrowaway: Theres something in the hole O_O
cumberland_farms: not anymore there isn't.
alicization: Damn, son.
| 7 | 5.428571 | |
1402389314 | 1402500750 | t3_27rsx9 | t5_2to41 | 9 | rejectionmonarch666: TIFU By attempting to seduce my recently former boyfriend.
Disclaimer: I'm posting this from my shitty phone that won't permit paragraphs. TIFU. It's been about three weeks since the person I'm head over heels in love with broke up with me. His reasoning for the seperation wasn't terrible, but I wouldn't say it was a really great excuse either. But that's more of /r/relationship content. So today was his birthday which also happens to coincide with the first time we kissed. I reasoned that we keep the tradition going and turn my seducing powers on overdrive. He doesn't really take the bait other than telling me I'm beautiful. I should have stopped there, but thought he was playing hard to get so kept going. I bid him goodnight and head to my room only to emerge a few seconds later, walk over to him and try to kiss him in a similar fashion to what happened three years ago. He jerks his head to the sides while pulling away from my puckered lips and grunts "No. No. No." I then run into my room in 'defeat' and commence to feel the worst feelings of guilt and rejection I've had it my adult life. Tifu by trying to be romantic and seduce my former boyfriend but failed fucking hard.
polishgravy: Now you know how we feel.
rejectionmonarch666: 'we' as in. . .?
polishgravy: Men
Csardonic1: ...Why?
allaccountnamesgone: Some kind of lonely neckbeard i think just ignore him.
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1402400368 | 1402429643 | t3_27s1fz | t5_2to41 | 160 | NotMe6022: TIFU by sneezing in a woman's face and knocking over her children
Throwaway because it wasn't my best day. I was out with family at the local zoo and having a great time. We were in this 'local farm' section that teaches you about milking cows and such and my (baby) sister was playing with a fake cow on display. I had to sneeze so I immediately covered my mouth and spun around 180 degrees---turns out some lady happened to be trying to pass me at that moment and I let out a loud+wet sneeze right into her face from maybe an inch away. She's freaking out and yelling something in Russian and I'm falling back a bit and apologizing but them I stepped on one of her kids and he started to scream so I tried to back out to the side and ran into her two other kids sitting in a wagon and we all fell over. The poor mom is yelling who knows what at me and trying to gather her kids (some now crying) and I'm still on the floor trying to apologize but never able to overcome her yelling.
Lady, if you're out there; I'm really sorry. :(. Hope your kids are ok.
magicaxis: Is this your super move? ACHOO CRUSH SMACK! 240 point combo!
mooneydriver: It's super effective!
Kojocon: Critical hit!
| 4 | 40 | |
1402378774 | 1402407767 | t3_27rjnt | t5_2to41 | 14 | dubai_dan: TIFU - by falling into a pond (located INSIDE a tower)
This fuck up happened technically over a year ago, but something reminded me of it the other day, so I thought I'd share.
Firstly, I pride myself on always being pruned immaculately at work, I invested in a lovely suit that I wear for all my important meetings, I love wearing pocket squares, nice cufflinks, tie-pins, the works.
I joined one of my colleagues on an important meeting and it was a specially dapper day - had all my gear on, looking pretty sharp. At this point, I worked in sales so we used to go to quite a lot of meetings and this particular day we were in an area called "Internet City" where all the big eCommerce companies live (Facebook, LinkedIN, Google, Yahoo etc.).
We had a meeting with Randstad which went really well, came out of the meeting feeling confident that we'd delivered a great pitch and we'd have them on board, came downstairs and took a photo of the board that displays all the companies. Security Guards HATE this and you're guaranteed to get kicked out of a building for doing it - but it's a great method of prospecting for new clients, so I try do it as subtly as possible.
As there are a few buildings next to each other, choc-full of great clients to target, I decided I'd go to the next door building, use my colleague as a distraction, walk past the security guard completely ignoring his existence and take a photo of the company directory board in there before getting chucked out.
It started well! We walked in, I made no eye-contact with the guard who asked me what I was doing, I carried on walking forward and my colleague started speaking to him to distract him. I saw the signboard and started walking faster, there was a large pillar in front of me so I thought it'd be smart to align myself in front of it, so the guard couldn't see me.
I kept looking straight forward at the signboard, side-stepped quickly in front of the pillar to hide myself and suddenly I was completely submerged underwater. For some absolutely bizarre reason, hidden behind this pillar, was a big, unelevated pond. I got my head above water, bleeding from my arm, completely fucking perplexed at what just happened and scrambled my way out.
I stood there for a second in utter shock, dripping, and the guard and my colleague ran round to see what the hell had happened. My colleague was hysterical, crying with laughter and the guard just looked at me like "What the fuck are you doing?!" and asked me if I was all right.
I hastily made an exit, my colleague still in fits of laughter and had to walk past a group of young workers in the building who were completely befuddled as to why there's an impeccably dressed young guy walking through the building completely soaking well. We walked straight back to the car, past several others - my head remained down the whole time, the only sound being my squelshing, squeaking, soaked shoes and my colleagues laughter. The true definition of a "walk of shame".
Got to the car, literally emptied about half a litre of water out of each shoe and asked to be taken home. Not my smoothest move.
TL:DR whilst trying to take a photo of a signboard in a tower, I fell into a pond, fully suited and booted.
LPT: when trying to be sneaky, still look where you're going.
(edited to add proof!)
(edited again to remove proof as it was in breach of rule 5 - mods, if you want proof, I can give you it)
Is_this_a_fake_post: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTAh3Gxe1oQ
dubai_dan: HAHA!! I've never actually seen this....but I'm pretty sure that's what it looked like. Here's a bit of proof for you haterz!
(Yvette is my co-worker who I mentioned in the OP)
(edited to remove breach of rule 5 - sorry mods!)
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1402404116 | 1402431039 | t3_27s563 | t5_2to41 | 55 | [deleted]: TIFU by wiping my ass with poison ivy
Backstory: I'm a camp counselor at a summer camp. So every week we have a bonfire for the kids in the woods away from the bunks. So we we're heading to the bonfire, when all of a sudden I needed to take a shit. So I give my kids to another counselor and head into the woods. I took one of the biggest shits ever. Given that I was in the forest I had nothing to wipe with other than some leaves. I went to the nearest tree ripped some leaves, and without looking I wiped. In the middle of the night I had the worst burning pain I have ever experienced. It was so itchy. It was the type of itch you can't stop, even though it hurts and it bleeds. Now that it is morning I can hardly walk between the burning and scabbing of my anus.
turtlesarerad14: I'm so sorry that happened to you :(
But seriously, what the fuck? Isn't one of the main rules in camp, "make sure you don't wipe with anything poisonous"?
Kim_Jong_Will2: It was dark out so I didn't know.
zigzaggeezus: Tp is a must for me on any camping trip....but if you must go all nature man about it. Best to secure some safe greenery before nature calls.
Kim_Jong_Will2: Lesson learned.
zigzaggeezus: If it makes you feel better i.scratched.my ballsack until it bled due to my current case
| 6 | 9.166667 | |
1402415899 | 1402442646 | t3_27sbaz | t5_2to41 | 100 | Tiff7856: I was just commenting on how nice it was to be relaxing after a hard day, the pic was meant to just show the bath wi my legs, the same you would see if I was in a pool..so I wasn't thinking it would be inappropriate I guess that's the point I wasn't thinking. I learned my lesson, I have already talked to two people who saw it and noticed but didn't say anything, they are both girls.
thesmoth: You wanted attention, and you got it.
truleerotten: Hope your mom gets bitten the next time she wears a tank top.
thesmoth: How could anyone be stupid enough to downvote me for that post? Lots of attention-whoring teenage girls in this thread I guess?
You post a picture of your legs in a bathtub (obviously most of your legs if you get your pussy in the shot, obviously trying to be sexy, or you'd post far less of your legs, or NONE of your legs and just the bathtub/view, as you claimed you were only trying to show) on facebook for all friends, family, and the public to see, and you disagree that she was looking for attention? Obviously she didn't want people to see her vag, but my mocking point was that it achieved the same goal, so she had that going for her.
I don't know what your tank-top biting remark means, but so you are aware, i'm not one of those people who says that women deserve to be raped when wearing revealing clothing or anything. If that is what you are going for, you are clinically retarded, as my comment about a nude-seminude photo on facebook has nothing to do with that.
Just like the common photo of a girls bikini bottoms/crotch/legs/beach view. That is obviously a sexy photo trying to get attention, otherwise they would just post a photo of the beach view, or perhaps the beach view with the chair. The fact that these photos are a cliche bothers me, not that they are sexy or attention seeking.
BluesF: Right, let's say I'm feeling lonely and I want some attention. Let's say I decide to post some kind of awful shirtless pic. Lo and behold, as I'm wearing some fairly short shorts, my wee chap happens to poke his little head out of the leg.
Oh no!
Yes. I got some attention, but it was not the attention I wanted. I am now embarrassed because half of my facebook friend's list has seen my dick, and not in the format I might like them to see it.
I didn't get what I wanted, and it's unfortunate. Nor did our lovely lady OP, she wanted some appreciation of her (no doubt lovely) legs, and all she got was embarrassment and sadness :(
thesmoth: Yea my comment was obviously cheeky, I realize that is not the attention she wanted. My comment was more along the lines of "serves you right attention whore, keep the half-naked bath photos to yourself", than a literal statement.
BluesF: Of course it was cheeky, leave the poor girl alone.
thesmoth: Meh, tries to post sexy leg pic, ends up posting sexy vag pic, then posts story to reddit for karma.
I think she enjoys the comments and attention far too much. She probably does not want to be left alone.
HallucinatesTigers: Wow, you're a cynical little fucker.
thesmoth: Not cynical, acutely aware of reality and not deluded at all. What I said was 100% true and completely accurate. Are you stupid, or trolling?
HallucinatesTigers: You must be enlightened by your own intelligence. Stop being such an arrogant twat.
thesmoth: I'm not being arrogant, i'm correct. What else can I say?
You post was inane and provided no information or new new perspective. Just white noise.
HallucinatesTigers: >I'm not being arrogant, I'm correct
Literally the most arrogant thing I've ever heard in my life. Thanks for proving me right.
thesmoth: But what I said was a very simple and easily observed fact. It wasn't even something that could be debated. Much like saying the grass is green.
How is that arrogant? If we were discussing something complex, and I responded like that, sure it would be arrogant.
I think your reading comprehension is perhaps poor.
HallucinatesTigers: You were assuming the personality of someone you've never met, and stated it as fact. That's an opinion, not a fact, and you were arrogant by saying that you were infallibly correct.
thesmoth: Well, I guess I just know people well enough to call this one. I have enough evidence from what she posted, and her posting it here, to get a pretty good idea. There is only a certain kind of person who posts photos like that to facebook (usually young attention seeking women).
If you don't like that, get out of this thread, because that is what this is about.
HallucinatesTigers: You just love proving me right, don't you?
thesmoth: Go back and read my comments again. Maybe they'll make sense the second time around. You're just making yourself look stupid.
HallucinatesTigers: No, you just bleed arrogance and superiority in everything you write. You probably beleive that you are the smartest person in this thread, because you are just so much more enlightened than the rest of us.
thesmoth: We're talking about an attention whore showing her legs/vag, and then karmawhoring the story on reddit. We aren't discussing rocket science. Chill out.
| 20 | 5 | |
1402415949 | 1402442218 | t3_27smaw | t5_2to41 | 20 | zubaba: TIFU: Accidentally hit boss with a pencil.
I had to come into work alone this weekend to finish a project. I work in an office with high ceilings, and I was getting a little loopy from too much computer time, so for whatever reason that made total sense at the time, I decided to try to stick a pencil in the roof. For the rest of the day during my breaks I would sharpen a pencil and throw it, and at the end of the day I had a couple up there. Today the boss came by to thank me for coming in this weekend and finishing the project when something hits him in the shoulder. He sees it's a pencil, then looks up and sees the others up there. Still looking up, he says, "So next weekend you will be coming in to get all of those down." and then he walked away. I have no idea how I'm going to do that.
turtlesarerad14: throw a ball up (or anything really) at them to knock them down :)
mythrowawayresponse: performing this may break the lead and leave residuals... making it suck worse.
turtlesarerad14: if they throw like a beach ball sideways at it so it just knocks the down? lightly throw it -- just enough to make them move a little and drop down.
If it is throw it lightly and sideways, it definitely won't break the graphite. Even if it was thrown hared, I don't believe it would.
mythrowawayresponse: I think it may be relative to how hard the pencils were launched into the ceiling material... if they were simply just tossed into a soft ceiling this may very well work... if they were shot into the ceiling using a force generating mechanism then maybe another extraction device may be necessary...
hrm... this now begs the question of how large a beach ball would be needed.... and where to find one.
turtlesarerad14: I presumed that OP just threw them up and they stuck into the ceiling... but yeah, if it was the later way, the beach ball thing may work.
I meant any ball or something similar op has laying around -- not exclusively a beach ball. Just big enough to hit the pencil would probably work.
mythrowawayresponse: hrm... perhaps a shoe would be more convenient? or if needed to be softer perhaps a sock inside of another sock? I used to watch a lot of http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MacGyver so I can get pretty crafty to rig something up in a pinch and impress all the lads and ladies in the room... (not necessarily at the same time)
turtlesarerad14: a shoe seems too hard to be throwing around an office -- if thrown wrong, it could force the pencil in further.
A sock inside another sock seems good. :)
mythrowawayresponse: **aha** (epiphany sparked!) this brings up another good point...
OP should have thought ahead and tied little strings on each of these pencils to be able to retrieve them... using unwaxed dental floss should do the trick... tie the floss around the eraser band so that it gets wedged at the mating point... then wind the floss around the pencil's end... then make a little loose knot so that when the pencil is thrown the force of contact with the ceiling will make the floss' knot push out and unwind back towards the floor... this will allow to retrieve the pencil easily!!!
make this and show your boss the solution - make sure he is billed accordingly!
Username__Irrelevant: They'll most likely have fallen on their own by then.
| 10 | 2 | |
1402416661 | 1402420107 | t3_27sni6 | t5_2to41 | 11 | durkal: TIFU by dropping my phone into my own cum
My morning ritual is to get up very early and masturbate in the shower. I don't turn the shower on until after I'm finished. I just kneel down and jerk off onto the shower floor. I do this, because it's easy to clean up.
So, this morning, after I finished jerking off to some pictures I found on /s/, my phone slipped out of my hand and landed in my load.
The phone is fine and the plastic was easy clean, but I'm going to wash my hands after every time I use it just in case.
mythrowawayresponse: > I just stand on my knees
hrm... English is difficult... that or you are not of this Earth... or perhaps a yoga guru.
durkal: [What is the correct word for this?]
(http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/x/man-turban-praying-stand-knees-8002931.jpg)
thatlazydude: *kneeling*
durkal: ok i fix
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1402418541 | 1402435284 | t3_27sqn8 | t5_2to41 | 37 | treeless_ent: Tifu by parking my car
So I just moved to a new part of town. New landlord failed to mention the weekly street cleaning. Both my gf and I awoke to find our cars gone. Gonna be $400 to get our cars back. Funny thing is we just moved and it cost us everything we had. So no cars for us for two weeks until we get paid.
Fuck street parking, man.
tishstars: I just got my first parking ticket, in my 3 years of driving, last week... $42, felt pretty shitty about it. Can't imagine what $400 is like.
treeless_ent: Feels like utter shit, mate. Can't wrap my head around it. Sorry about your ticket.
tishstars: Yeah sorry about yours too; I guess we gotta be more careful next time.
Just wondering, were there any signs on the street you'd parked on? The place I got my ticket had a sign way down the street that I totally missed. I even asked a standerby if it was safe, and he said it was... what a total prick (or maybe he just honestly didn't know)
treeless_ent: Found a sign several blocks down the street and one that was completely covered by plant growth. Oh well. I'll just chalk it up as a $400 lesson. Looks like I'll have to look into a cash advance loan.
tishstars: Wait a second-- if it was covered by plant growth I strongly advocate you to go to court and dispute it. I'm pretty sure that the signs have to be clearly visible (not hindered by plant growth) for you to have been charged.
If it was a small ticket like mine, it wouldn't matter (you'd just save time), but for a ticket of that size, I really think you should go to court and dispute it (be sure to take pics). Good luck and let me know how it goes if you do this.
| 6 | 6.166667 | |
1402421055 | 1402463637 | t3_27sveg | t5_2to41 | 8 | superduckquack: TIFU by posting a comment on reddit detailing a past experience of how my older sister found me masturbating to my dad's hidden porn tapes - can't sleep now
Alright so I originally posted a comment in response to another thread titled ["TIFU by coming home too early"](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/27pvkk/tifu_by_coming_home_too_early/ci3x2j5) where a redditor came home early and made direct eye contact with her younger brother as he was "just jackin it".
I could sympathise with said redditor's little bro as I've lived through the same scenario but in a different age.
It was an age where the average TV was shaped like a box and weighed more than 15kg's (over 33 pounds); these features were made possible by CRT (cathode ray tube) technology. Now a home entertainment system is not complete unless it's accompanied with a VCR player to play VHS tapes and a [VHS tape rewinder that looked like a small car](http://www.amoeba.com/admin/uploads/blog/Brad/vhsrewinder). VHS tapes were the most common form of media for pornography too.
This resulted in me taking an unwanted trip down memory lane. I stopped shy of a few details as I wanted prevent myself from having disturbing dreams but by that moment it was all too late. I'm still up, the current time down under is 3:20am and work starts 6:30am. Gotta try to avoid direct eye contact with my sister for a while, don't want flashbacks.
Link to my original comment on thread: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/27pvkk/tifu_by_coming_home_too_early/ci3x2j5
edit: Sentence structure, almost forgot to mention car shaped VHS tape rewinders
mythrowawayresponse: D16DBBCC154A7B0538748C6E2C707E81
F65AD1898BDC2BA52326D5F6D7A8FA86
6E2DE9045664301B
http://webnet77.com/cgi-bin/helpers/blowfish.pl
reddit
superduckquack: Try masturbating but remember to lock the door to avoid getting caught
mythrowawayresponse: locking the door makes it obvious... I developed the following attributes to avoid getting caught - and **not even once!**
1. cat-like hearing for car engines pulling in and footsteps (eventually hearbeats)
2. spider-like freezing in place - the idea of becoming a void
3. muted moaning
4. breath holding for minutes at a time
5. elaborate use of foreskin to forgo lube
6. cupping resulting cum like a sleight of hand magician (thank you harry houdini)
7. crack legs and feet well beforehand as not to giveaway 'the moment'
8. become flaccid at will - this came with practice and fear
9. time dilation - this could be only me.
... I think this discipline should be called ninjacking... I'd have to find a co-author for ninjaschlicking..
superduckquack: Oh man, that's gold, made me giggle like a girl just now. It takes more than a learned gentleman to give such valuable and tactical advice like this, it takes a genius good Sir. I need learn the ninjacking discipline; the ways of the ninjacker.
Hot_Steam: Scoot away from your headboard to avoid squeaking.
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1402421932 | 1402439122 | t3_27swze | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by crossing a "side chick" line
I occasionally fuck this guy, who these days is in an open relationship...but one where they don't talk about who else they sleep with. Last night he was talking about these crazy elaborate murder mystery parties he and his friends do and it sounded really fun. Without thinking I asked If I could come.....awkward silence ensued.
but seriously....I really want to go to the party.
shnerd: Sure an "open relationship" I bet the other woman doesn't know about you
devals: Nah, he said she could go... probably would be better to sit this one out, though.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1402422785 | 1402427578 | t3_27syi7 | t5_2to41 | 11 | Always-Stoned: [NSFW] TIFU by eating out.
liberty71: She clean it up and blow you as an apology?
Cherpyderp: Good question. OP, comment?
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1402422781 | 1402435282 | t3_27syhx | t5_2to41 | 6 | IntolerableFreedom: TIFU by cutting Scotch Bonnet peppers after doing some topiary
Me and the girlfriend went to the market and got some fresh fruit and veg. After we get back I decide to have a little trim down below before having a shower. As it was my turn to make dinner I get dressed and go to the kitchen. After cutting the scotch bonnet peppers and preparing what will hopefully be a lovely mixed veg and courgette quinoa dinner with a bit of a kick, before washing my hands, I scratched my nutsack.
So I'm sat here, writing this post, with the nutsack of a thousand suns.
At least any kids, if I can still have kids, will have tolerance to hot foods.
I think they're melting.
TheGeordieOne: Cutting chillies then touching your nose is another stupid mistake to make
cessairlives: Also, fingerbanging.
| 3 | 2 | |
1402419500 | 1402497282 | t3_27ssg3 | t5_2to41 | 18 | ElCynico: TIFU by leaving my gym bag in my car.
This happened yesterday, and it could have also been a TIL thread if I thought of taking a picture of it at the moment of the fuck up.
Anyways, the hot summer days are upon us meaning that my car is reaching near hell-like temperatures by the time I get off work. Normally I just leave my bag in my car so I can go straight from work to the gym and yesterday was no exception. So at the locker room I take off my shirt and am ready to apply some deodorant when I notice my stick was empty, no even a trace of it remaining. I fucked up when I turned it upside down and out came molten deodorant onto my leg, foot and ground. The container was still hot enough to keep the deodorant liquefied. After a "WHAT THE FUCK?!" moment, I tried cleaning up the mess I made on the floor but it already hardened at just spread everywhere, I made it the janitor's problem.
TL;DR: Hot car + Stick deodorant = molten Fresh Scent shenanigans on the locker room floor.
From now I'm in taking my bag inside with me.
gomeziscool: Ever tried roll on deodorant? It's like already a liquid and it has this plastic ball that functions sort of like a giant ball point pen. Had this happen too many times, so I just keep my roll on in the car at all times
ElCynico: I have, and maybe it was due to poor selection of the roll-on but after a while they burn like hell. It's like putting Brut aftershave into my armpits.
| 3 | 6 | |
1402428264 | 1402759943 | t3_27t8f4 | t5_2to41 | 57 | ILikeBabyBatterNow: TIFU by conditioning myself to last longer during sex for a long time, but accidentally made me gay instead. (NSFW)
Alright guys, *technically* this isn't a usual TIFU, on account of I'd been creating and moulding the fuck up for quite some time, but I'll start from the beginning. Throwaway is obvious for this kinda thing.
So it started a few years after I realised that I wanted to discover what lady bits felt like, I realised I'd been doing it all wrong! See, in my mind, the issue there were so many issues with virgins not being able to last more than 2 thrusts, that the best thing would be for me to condition myself to last longer by associating the wondrous bliss of an orgasm with...well, gay porn. It went alright at first, I could last a lot longer when beating the monkey and teenage me just stopped standing to attention at even the slightest bit of female attention. All well and good so far, right?
Well, I took a lot longer than I expected to lose it. I can only really blame myself, for one reason or another. But basically, I was beating it to almost exclusively gay porn for over 5 years. During this time I realised that I should at least be bi-curious, as the dudes in the videos I was watching sure seemed to enjoy it, may as well try it out. Being bi is almost normal nowadays though, so no biggie. Then I started checking out more guys on the street than girls, ignored it, probably just subconsciously thought they looked like someone in a video I watched.
But then I lost it, and it just felt boring. Yes boobs are nice and feel great, but the actual sex part just didn't do anything for me, and I literally could not finish and it was at least an hour, and we tried literally everything. After she'd left, I got out my phone and loaded up a bit of man on man and I came in about 20 seconds.
*I had the undivided sexual attention of a female for an hour and couldn't finish, and then I do it in 20 seconds when thinking of having my poop-chute invaded*. So now I'm on Grindr and Hornet and all those other apps to find a dude around my age to see just what the fuck my damn penis wants, and I hate myself for it.
Tl;Dr, watched gay porn to make sure I lasted longer during my first time, maybe turned gay instead.
DrunkerAsIWriite: Uh.. I'm pretty sure you're just normally gay.
JuleTS: Agreed...you cant make yourself gay...your just not dealing with the news properly.
revofire: Actually... it sounds like OP is in denial but if you condition your mind to associate orgasm with something then after getting past the Wtf phase... this is what happens.
| 4 | 14.25 | |
1402427566 | 1402432118 | t3_27t74b | t5_2to41 | 10 | juksayer: TIFU by forgetting to tell my boss he had an appointment today. I'll probably be fired when he finds out.
So last week I had scheduled a big job for our irrigation company, ~2,000 USD. I had set the appointment for today, however, I forgot to make a work order or even tell anybody about it. So today the customer calls asking where we are, and I've got to tell this guy I never told anyone to do the work. Sooo, the customer cancels the appointment and is taking his business elsewhere. My boss is going to be quite upset, as I didn't schedule anything else for today and we already have a problem because our company is so unorganized and mis-managed. I know I fucked up and I am not sure how to fix this without losing my job.
Cheers!
Cherpyderp: Can you perhaps just pretend it never happened since your boss didn't know about the work order in the first place?
juksayer: There's no way. My boss is the one who created the estimate for the job. If it doesn't get done he'll know what happened. I'm going to try to help the customer find a competitor with better prices. And I might have to eat the estimate.
mythrowawayresponse: Hopefully you're blonde, got gams and stacked... otherwise [<AOL> **Goodbye**](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2Z2CklSxM0)
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1402429738 | 1402445286 | t3_27tb53 | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally turning on my phone's flashlight while a soldier was talking to my class
So there I was cleaning my phone case a bit in the classroom. Suddenly some guy in a U.S. soldier uniform walks in. He starts explaining how the rest of my High School years will be difficult. I'm fairly interested so I put my phone case and parts down. My friend then decides to fuck with me, so he pretty much throws my phone case into the desk(i'm actually contemplating if he should be my friend anymore). I give him that "wtf man?" look. Since the inside of the desk was generally nasty(filled with used tissue papers,gum etc.) I did not want to touch any of that while looking for my phone case. So I decide to put my phone flashlight to good use. I press my flashlight app and waited for it to load. While waiting for it to load, I decide to continue to look and listen to what the soldier was saying while my phone was in my hand. Suddenly the flashlight app loads and turns on while my phone was facing the soldier. The soldier then says "NO,DON'T TAKE A PICTURE!!" in an angry and demanding tone. He rushes over to me while i'm paralyzed in shock and confusion at the time and snatches my phone right outta my hand. Apparently he turned off the phone during the snatching because it didn't seem like he noticed it was a flashlight. He then throws my phone in the trash and rushes over to me again saying "DON'T DO THAT SHIT, YOU DON'T TAKE PICURES OF PEOPLE WITHOUT THEIR APPROVAL!". Being the timid and shy person I am, i'm still in shock and embarrassment and did'nt want to say anything while my entire class watches me get yelled at. Today was just not my day. I tried to tell my classmates my story but nobody believes me. This was typed up with my phone that now has a HUGE crack on it's screen
EDIT: The reason my I had my phone out was because the teacher decided to give us a free period.
b1ueskycomp1ex: Sue that fucker for damages to your phone.
And for god sake kid, put that shit away while you're in class.
Anofets: It was pretty much a free period and the teacher let us use our phones.
b1ueskycomp1ex: Learn how to speak up and tell the dude he just damaged your personal property. Besides, if this is the U.S., what kind of soldier is for all this hush hush bullshit?
Anofets: To be honest, he cursed on almost every sentence he said and kept saying "you feelin' me?". Not really the kind of person I would respect.
whotfareu: Was he black?
Anofets: Um....yes
| 7 | 4.714286 | |
1402427958 | 1402559108 | t3_27t7va | t5_2to41 | 29 | Kitty-Bibliophile: TIFU by missing my first exam at university
Fuck up that did actually occur today! Studied myself stupid for weeks and ended up thinking my exam was tomorrow and confusing the dates. I missed it, received an email from my lecturer and now I get to apply for deference, which I may or may not get, or fail my first year major. Cried myself stupid, now I'm going to go study how university policies work for a few hours. Not even using a throwaway because why bother, people make mistakes.
TL;DR (seriously it's a paragraph) Missed my exam by being a dumbass
tishstars: Not to be offensive, but why didn't you give a sickness excuse and get a note from your doctor?
MerlinTheFail: We're in the process of doing that now; that was the first option we chose when we found out this had happened.
tishstars: Cool, now y'all are using your heads. But where is this "we" coming from, haha?
MerlinTheFail: We live together.
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1402431381 | 1402512823 | t3_27tea3 | t5_2to41 | 50 | [deleted]: Tifu by walking my girlfriend to the door
Very rarely does my girlfriend leave for work before me, but yesterday was a little different. We recently moved out of our apartment and in with her mom to save money. Her mom has a fancy new security system with hidden cameras around the house and key codes for the front door. She receives updates when someone unlocks the alarm, or opens a door leading into the house. The cameras hidden in the house do not record and only give a live feed with a 3 second delay, at least from what I understood. My girlfriend and I sleep in the nude 90% of the time, especially since it's been getting hot out. She was getting ready for work while I was sleeping in and then woke me to say goodbye. I said I will walk her to the door downstairs knowing her mom is driving to work and the cameras do not record so she won't see me if I go downstairs naked. Well... Little did I know the camera takes 5 pictures whenever someone opens or closes the front door. Not only that but she receives those pictures on her computer, tablet, and phone. While at work she was showing some coworkers her new security system and there was an update saying her daughter left for work. Of course she opens it to reveal the naked pictures of me standing behind the door and my gf leaves. It's been awkward ever since then. All her coworkers are close friends who visit regularly even plan 2 week camping trips once a year... Which is coming up this weekend...
Tl;dr: SO's mom and coworkers/friends saw me naked ruining a camping trip.
[deleted]: I do see an opportunity here for a prank. It just involves 3 friends dressed in all black wearing ski masks. have them raise the knives in their hands pretending to stab you as you answer the door butt-naked while you feign a petrified look.
At least then you'll know if your GF's mom still loves you or not.
instantaneous_regret: Let's do it!
DasHeadCrapHGN: You'll regret it almost immediatly
instantaneous_regret: I find that's the case with many of my life choices...
| 5 | 10 | |
1402431107 | 1402454684 | t3_27tdqa | t5_2to41 | 451 | facehurtfarter: TIFU, farted and broke my face.
I was heading to my kitchen today to feed the cats, when I passed through the living room. My boyfriend had fallen asleep sitting up while watching TV, and I saw a golden opportunity. I had to fart, and it was time to get him back for all those times he farted in bed and held my head under the covers.
I straddled him on the couch, standing with one foot on either side, grabbed the coffee table for balance, and hovered my butt inches from his face.
Then I tooted. Loudly. Like, holy hell, it sounded like a gun going off! I didn't expect it and it actually scared the hell out of me, but not nearly as much as it scared the bf. He rocketed awake, face first into my butt, sending me face-planting into the coffee table. After many, many red paper towels, my nose finally stopped bleeding.
TL;DR Tried to be funny with my farts and bashed my face, but at least I didn't shit.
witchling_22: The visuals...
_vargas_: Glad I'm not the only one who got a little turned on.
KarmaKanadian: You're EVERYWHERE. Get a job, hippy.
_vargas_: I've already have a job. I'm the guy that hoses all the semen off your mother. I cheated a bit today, though. I strapped her to the roof of my car and went through an automated carwash. Only cost $20 (went through twice) and a couple dents, but my cousn can get those out no problem. The best part is that it only took a tenth of the time it usually does, so I am free to peruse Reddit even more.
pusspunter: hey im the guy that puts the semen on his mother, i cheated today too and hired a horse to do it.
NotACompleteDumbass: Hey, I'm the horse that you hired, I cheated today too and hired an elephant to do it
Carguy91246: Hey I am that elephant you hired I cheated today too and hired a dolphin
witchling_22: [Hey, I'm the dolphin you hired. I cheated today too, and was paid by NASA.](http://m.nydailynews.com/news/world/video-woman-claims-sex-dolphin-article-1.1823559)
Carguy91246: I was hoping someone would catch me on that one! I applaud you!
witchling_22: *curtsy*
| 11 | 41 | |
1402432015 | 1402830846 | t3_27tfe0 | t5_2to41 | 67 | Afferent_Input: TIFU by suggesting that my wife "might be a little bit PMSish"
I don’t think she is much different than your average red-blooded American woman with a full-time job and two little kids. Normally my wife is fun, chipper, and reasonable, but every four weeks Mrs. Hyde comes out to play. She loses her cool very easily and tends to weep over relatively trivial things. During those three days, I just try to keep a low profile and do my best to take care of any snafus before she catches wind of them. Once the tide breaks (so to speak), she realizes that she was just PMSing, and we kind of laugh it off.
This time has been a bit different; we’ve been heatedly arguing over issues that do not need so much heat. Last night we had a big fight that came out of nowhere. This morning she texted me: “ugh – I feel so emotional this morning”. I thought to myself, “OK, maybe the emotional juggernaut is taking a break” trying to read between the lines without actually reading what she said. I replied “I don’t mean to trivialize your feelings, but perhaps you might be a little bit PMSish?”.
Then my phone rang… and out poured bile and venom not fit for human ears. I guess it’s the couch for me tonight!
The lesson: Do not suggest that your wife/GF may be PMSing while she is PMSing even if you keep a god-damned calendar of her cycle.
EDIT: a word
thebeautifulppl: Lol it's because during PMSing, the emotions are very real and emotions are STRONG, we just don't know it's PMSing until after the fact. So suggesting it's PMSing feels like a disregard of feelings and a scapegoat to not have to deal with her. Being on either side sucks...
WhatIsFear: Come on. Don't lie. You know it's PMS. Any and every woman I know keeps track of it. There's a difference between knowing, and choosing to forget it because you're an emotional mess and you get more relief out of blaming anything and everyone.
thebeautifulppl: I know very few women who keep track unless they have regular periods or are planning to get pregnant. It's very common to have irregular periods to the point of skipping months or going for months. With irregular periods, women also have higher hormone levels telling their body to continue to cycle, also causing emotional distress. It's no parade. And no, you really DON'T know it's PMS'ing until you start and then it all makes sense. From the looks of it, you're having yours.
WhatIsFear: A woman who knows she's prone to having irregular periods, should have at least a certain level of expectation when it comes to her hormonal imbalance. It's not a free pass to take out whatever you please on someone who happens to be around.
thebeautifulppl: Your emotions are made up PURELY of hormones. When a woman is having a surge of hormones during her menses, it's the exact same thing that happens when someone upsets/angers her. There is not a separate magical hormone just to cause distress during PMSing. It's genuine, you can't distinguish it, because theres nothing to distinguish.
WhatIsFear: And yet when we grow up, we are taught to control our emotions.
thebeautifulppl: It's a HORMONAL IMBALANCE, which can cause a number of medical conditions that you don't just outgrow. I'm sorry you can't understand that, but it's not some tell-tale issue. It's been medically acknowledged for quite some time already, which is why I will no longer explain. You have internet, you're on it. If you're too ignorant to find the facts because you disagree with them, then you'll have bigger problems down the road.
WhatIsFear: I didn't however say that you should "outgrow" the medical issues.
Only that one should learn to control their outbursts and recognize when one of those spells happen.
If anything, you're close-minded thinking "oh well, this is how it is, no point trying to do anything about it".
| 9 | 7.444444 | |
1402428879 | 1402449608 | t3_27t9ke | t5_2to41 | 12 | weesstt: TIFU by leaving my blanket outside.
So, I went to bed last night with the intention of doing laundry once I woke up. Well, when I woke up I didn't have the energy to get out of bed so I ended up falling asleep again. Fast forward an hour and I'm on my way out the door because I'm going to be late for school. Before I left I decided to take my blanket outside and hang it on our fence to air out, since I could no longer wash it.
Fast forward once more, I got home from school about an hour ago and grab my blanket. I bring it inside and place it on my bed. An hour goes by and I feel something crawling on my leg, I look down and it's a mother fucking cankerworm ( http://imgur.com/ROGeZx4 ) So I throw it off my leg and get off my bed as fast as I could. I look down on my blanket and there has to be at least seven of these things.
TL;DR - woke up late, put my blanket outside, brought it inside after many hours, didn't check it properly. It had a family of worms on it.
I don't want to sleep in my room tonight.
mythrowawayresponse: ... and [**this**](http://i.imgur.com/a0cD4fD.gif) is what I picture you looks like.
weesstt: Pretty much, except I don't have my blanket. It's still in the washing machine and I'm complicating of burning it.
| 3 | 4 | |
1402432380 | 1402447678 | t3_27tg2s | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by ordering from TigerDirect
I've been piecing together a PC from Amazon, NewEgg, EBay, Microcenter, and wherever I could find good deals on parts.
I ordered a solid state hard drive for it. It was on sale at TigerDirect. I put in all of my information, but then I had to log in with an account to use the coupon code I found for it. Apparently, logging in caused it to overwrite my current address with the one on the account. The last time I ordered from them was in 2009, so my old address was on there. I haven't lived there for two years.
I overlooked it during checkout and didn't care to track the package. When I noticed it was taking longer than expected, I tracked the package and saw it was delivered to my old address. I went there to see if the neighbors would be kind enough to hand it over, but nobody was home. I'm pretty sure I won't get it back.
mythrowawayresponse: **measure twice, cut once...** things are so automatic nowadays that folks forget to use their gray matter.
kaptainkek: that statement made my head hurt
x420xNOxSCOPExBEASTx: Looks like you haven't been using your gray matter
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1402431383 | 1402852374 | t3_27tea7 | t5_2to41 | 34 | 2pacoclock: TIFU by talking to a crazy old woman for over 3 hours
So I was walking outside and I was really tired so I decided to sit down on a bench.
2 minutes later an older woman using a walker says "move to the corner, I want to sit there". So I moved to the corner. This woman was 5' feet tall, 300 pounds, hunched over and she was also missing a few teeth.
She started asking questions like what I was doing there and then asked me how old I was. So I told her "21". She claimed that she was only 30.
She then asked me if I have a girlfriend and I told her "no". She said "Really, you should have several". I was flattered by her compliment.
She then started talking about how a guy my age bought her a beer at the bar and if I can believe that. She also told me that she was a cougar.
She then started talking about her job and how she's been losing weight.
She also added that she used to have really big tits and actually had them reduced.
Anyway I was too polite to say bye... So we ended up talking for over 3 hours.
So, I finally got a phone call and this gave me an opening to leave without making it look like I didn't want to talk to her and so I told her I had to go.
As I was walking away. She said "I'll see you here tomorrow, right?". This question made me nervous and I started walking faster and faster. It was terrifying.
ChickenMcfaggot: What the fuck did you talk about for 3 hours?
HashSlingingSlash3r: I really want to know
2pacoclock: sex
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1402437873 | 1402522386 | t3_27tpfp | t5_2to41 | 18 | detroitbrothers: TIFU by offering a woman a job.
Long story short, I own a small convenience store in Detroit. Nearly every Monday or Tuesday, an African American woman stops in and buys some of the basic essentials like milk, bread, ect with her government assistance. Over the years I got to know her and found out she didn't have a job. Well recently one of my clerks quit for a new job. Trying to be nice, I decided to offer the African American woman a job. She came in today and I offered her the job. She became irate and called me racist for trying to "force her" to get a job. She yelled that blacks have done enough and she's not working for the white man.
mythrowawayresponse: > African American woman
> African American woman
> She yelled that blacks
... see what happened there?
AlexatRF21: No, what happened here? Besides your ignorance of course.
mythrowawayresponse: In OP's method of defining a person - chances are it is felt overtly even more-so in person... making things even more awkward and uncomfortable than reading it.
Thanks for the down votes people - you must have read me wrong because I know you all agree with what I am saying.
AlexatRF21: We didn't read you wrong at all. It was an integral part of the story as the conclusion to it, justified his writing.
The woman was indeed racist. He was trying to help her out.
mythrowawayresponse: ah.... I had to read it a few times to see it - apparently I read it wrong. I think I was hung up on how the OP called this person an African American woman continuously and she referred to her as black. I probably wouldn't have posted if he just said he tried to offer someone a job and they threw it back at him. Thanks for clearing that up AlexatRF21. I've just down voted my prior comments!
AlexatRF21: Tossing you an up vote bro. Thank you for realizing what everyone was saying.
mythrowawayresponse: Thanks for taking the time to help explain :) Reddit needs more netizens such as yourself :)
| 8 | 2.25 | |
1402438338 | 1402446345 | t3_27tq6v | t5_2to41 | 21 | lifeintechnicoulor: TIFU by telling a girl that she had a spider on her leg.
Well, not today exactly, happened about a year ago.
This whole thing all happened on what was a fairly unassuming bus ride to school. There were about three other people people on the bus that day, as it was a fairly small minibus, so we all knew each other well. My busmates were bout two years older than I was, so I wasn't in their immediate friendship circle, but I could still engage in conversation with them about school or T.V. or some other shared interest.
That morning we were engaging in a particularly good session of 'bus banter', talking about how one of the guys on the bus, lets call him Burland, got friendzoned by just about any girl he talked to, and about how I was shit at sports. (Always seems to be a go to topic when people come to insult me)
So this girl, lets call her 'Aimee' For no reason other than the fact that that her name was not, in fact, Aimee, was talking to another boy, called Burland about Macro Economics when I noticed a tiny spider on her leg. It was no bigger than half a centimetre, and looked like a money spider. It was steadily crawling up her thigh while she was talking about fiscal plans oblivious ot the impending danger. At this point, I decided that the best thing to do was to alert her to the spider that had, at that point reached the hem of her skirt, so I tentatively said:
"Aimee, Theres a spider on your leg, you may want to bush it off or something, just... yeah, just there.'
Aimee looked down, saw the spider, and started to scream bloody murder.
At this point the bus driver assumed that someone must be dying in the bus, so he slammed the brakes, and that was when chaos erupted. Burland's Economics homework went flying everywhere, Amiee, having flicked the spider off of her leg, realised that it wasn't dead and was now basically squatting in her seat, with a rather large textbook of mechanics in her hand, ready to crush it if it came within five feet of her, and the other busmate, who had until this point been quiet had woken up from the sleep that none of us had realised he was in and was staring groggily at us wondering what the fuck was going on.
Anyway, I later learned that Aimee had an extreme phobia of spiders, that Burland had no idea what quantitive easing was, and likely never would any more, and that bus driver's apparently don't take to kindly to high stress environments as he left the job soon after.
**TL;DR Girl had spider on her leg, I warned her about it, she freaked the fuck out, and I may have made a bus driver quit his job.**
EDIT: accidentally used the girls real name, changed it now.
[deleted]: I have a serious fear of spiders. I have panic attacks if one gets near me and will scream like I'm being murdered. You couldn't have known she was scared of them but yeah, next time you kill that fucker then act like you're a bad ass that just saved her life.
lifeintechnicoulor: I can understand her fear of spiders, but I didn't expect her to react like she did.
[deleted]: Yeah haha I must admit it isn't exactly a logical response. And that's coming from someone who would have done the same thing as her.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1402440012 | 1402441368 | t3_27tsx3 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU By urinating myself in public.
Was at a shopping centre with my mum, helping her carry bags of shopping around as she spends her birthday money. I need to go to the toilet so she says she will wait outside for me. I walk into the men's room and head straight for a urinal, i do the usual routine - Look at wall, fiddle with the zipper on my jeans, pull my genitals out, urinate.
Well, today i was in for a surprise! I look at the wall, undo my zipper, fetch my penis and release! I could feel my bladder emptying at speed, yet I couldn't hear the familiar noise of the urine making contact with the urinal. I begin feeling a warm sensation on my leg, i look down and to my horror i see a large dark patch on my trousers. I have pissed myself. In the middle of a shopping centre. Filled with hundreds of people. How you might ask? Didn't you follow the routine? Well! Turns out i pulled my penis out of my boxers and into the space between my boxers and my jeans.
I quickly zipped up and turned round to be faced with a queue of men, I went red with embarrassment and washed my hands before darting out to my mum and snatching the bags out of her hand and holding them over my fuck up. After explaining to my mum what happened she decided she would just laugh before suggesting we went home and I got a shower and changed. Today is a day i would like to forget about.
TL;DR Even big boys need to check before releasing a bladder full of liquid into their trousers.
dicksilhouette: Novice mistake
Shmell_my_finger: Yeah. You would think after 18 years i would have it mastered!
dicksilhouette: You should probably invest in a Pee-Bib. They're distributed by Taco Corp. Really helpful for people that can't master the grip and flip technique.
Shmell_my_finger: Haha! If it happens again then I will definitely consider it.
| 5 | 2 | |
1402441595 | 1402478007 | t3_27tvdm | t5_2to41 | 20 | SWAGGYSWAGSON: TIFU by sending nudes of Kate Upton to my friend's Dad.
So, throwaway because you fucking know. Anyway, me, being the fucking genius I am, made a group text and accidentally added my friend's dad's phone number. Of course being the horny bastard I am I just had to send some pictures Kate Upton and Katrina Kaif to my friends. What I didn't know was that instead of adding one of my friends, it was actually my friend's dad. He got the texts and was texting me who was this number. I freaked the fuck out and he called me... I told him I work for a magazine and I got the wrong number I nearly pissed my pants but from the way he sounded I think he believed it. Now, I got to tell my friend. Wish me luck.
northvandude: Thank you for taking the name 'SWAGGYSWAGSON' away from any future perpetrators.
Future_Jared: But somebody could still be SWAGGYSWAGSON69
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1402430358 | 1402502135 | t3_27tca2 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by reassembling my keyboard wrong.
This is an extremely minor fuck up.
It's a fact that keyboards are gross. So every so often, I clean mine out. This time, however, I fucked up and reassembled the top row not as qwertyuiop but rather as qwertyioup. So now I can't fix it unless I take out the entire bottom 3 rows of keys.
Masterdmr: TUFO?
supremecrafters: huh?
Masterdmr: Its what TIFU would look like on his keyboard.
supremecrafters: oh. I feel dumb now.
| 5 | 1.6 | |
1402442019 | 1402517634 | t3_27tw1e | t5_2to41 | 62 | frawsif: TIFU by not clearing my browsing history [NSFW]
So I've been working quite a ways from home for the past while, and like any man working away, I had the urge.
After a long shift, I finally got back to the hotel and decided to help myself relax. I pulled out my tablet and the most glorious fap session ensued. I mean it was fantastic. After I was done slaying my own dragon I quickly cleaned up and passed out. Normally i'm very good at remembering to clear all the evidence off of my tablet, this time I must have forgotten.
The next morning, I catch my flight home. After being in the air for an hour I whip out the ol' tablet to find a movie to settle my fancy. I type in my password and immediately turn bright beat red as a full screen image pops up of where I left off: some blonde chick taking a load all over her ass. I panicked and panicked trying to lock my tablet and almost dropped it in the Isle. Finally I managed to close it and I opened a movie pretending nothing had happened.
I hope nobody saw it...
[deleted]: This sounds like a romantic comedy. As you're fumbling you bump heads with a girl in the opposite seat doing the same thing. You lock eyes, and suddenly realize you had the same taste in porn... Love at first sight.
Sserg: ... Then they fuck like gorillas!! :D
Stiffed_: In the cockpit
leon3546: In *her* cockpit
[deleted]: OOOOHHHHHHHHHHH
| 6 | 10.333333 | |
1402442733 | 1402443131 | t3_27tx6k | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by burning my vagina.
So I'm changing my tampon and open the cabinet to get a new one.. All out, no big deal I have some in the car. I go out to my black car on the way to the gym, it's 110 degrees outside... Start driving, oh! Forgot to put a tampon in, pop the tampon in, burning hot sensation hits my vag. Still feels a little funny down there.
ModernKender: You put a tampon in while you were driving?
[deleted]: I'd say "that's talent" but...
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1402443841 | 1402502530 | t3_27tywc | t5_2to41 | 171 | Not_An_Expert_: TIFU by vomiting on a girl giving me a bj.
This happened a couple months ago with this girl I met trough an online dating site. We met up for a date and it went really well, so well in fact that she invited me over for "coffee." It was like it was in the TV shows, I was so excited she said coffee and not anything else because it is so cliche that it's almost amusing. Anyway, we start fooling around and I make her orgasm with my hand. Now it's my turn. she gets on her knees and just starts plowing away at my sausage. Just really stuffing it down her throat. I was really into it especially when she would jam it down there for a few seconds then pull it out gasping for air.
Definitely one of the best BJs I've ever had. But here is where the problem arises. I had pulled my pants down to my ankles and did not fully remove them. She is going through cycles of sucking, swallowing, and gagging. All of a sudden I feel a gush of warm fluid hit my pubes. I look down and my dick, thighs, and underwear are covered in puke. She looks up and smiles and then keeps going. It felt so good that I didn't want it to stop, but then I started to smell her puke. Let me tell you. I have an iron gut, but the one thing I cannot tolerate is the smell of vomit. She's blowing me and I start to gag and heave and before I could pull her off my junk I end up vomiting in my hands in an attempt to catch it... Which fails miserably and covers her in puke. You would think at this point she would stop... She kept going but I just couldn't take it anymore. I excused myself and got in the shower. Threw away the underwear but some of the puke seeped into my khaki pants and so I had to sit in puke covered pants on the 20 minute drive home.
We didn't meet for a second date.
Ghostwolf517: Dude that chick must have been into some kinky shit
Not_An_Expert_: No kidding. She came off as so shy and innocent through our PMs and even in person seemed reserved until we had a couple drinks and found out we had many common interests and similar sense of humor.
Ghostwolf517: Duuude call her man she seems like the kind of freak u do not want to give up
Not_An_Expert_: Would be a wonderful story for our grandchildren lol.
| 5 | 34.2 | |
1402445154 | 1402448413 | t3_27u0w3 | t5_2to41 | 15 | Mrdrunkenbatman: TIFU by being logical
I will keep this simple, not a serious girlfriend just a girl. - is me.
HER. Does my arse look big in this?
ME. compared to what?
HER. WHAT?
ME. other stuff you wear your favourite jeans make your arse look a bit rounder
Her......silence
Me. And when you aren't wearing anything your arse looks bigger
Her. *VENOM AND HELL*
Context, fuck buddy also a friend asked me apparently as a joke, I answered trying to be honest.
Edit-reformatting
DeathHaze420: Answering that question with honesty is HIGHLY illogical.
You are an idiot. I say this with a gentle pat on the head.
Mrdrunkenbatman: She becomes highly logical while explaining spending my money.
| 3 | 5 | |
1402441612 | 1402488248 | t3_27tveo | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by making a joke about dead babies to a co-worker whose baby died.
We were talking about new parents and the difference between them and someone who has a couple of kids. How with your first you worry about anything and everything where as by the third kid you don't want to know about it unless there is blood and even then there has to be a lot of it. I then commented about sleeping babies and how at first I would hover but by my third I had the opinion of I don't want to ruin the peace and quiet, if they are dead, they are dead. Ugh. Not only did it not come out how I thought it would but her son died of SIDS. I'm a horrible person.
babydontbombme: I don't think you'll find an husband anytime soon after this one.
Unicornsfordinner: Username comments are more often then not, funnier then the post
Username__Irrelevant: #
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1402446493 | 1402454207 | t3_27u2xp | t5_2to41 | 29 | Format_Nazi: TIFU by accidentally going to Pornhub instead of Paypal
You know that little thing on Google Chrome where you can start the beginning letters of a website and you can easily press enter to go to that site? Well last night I went to pornhub to look at some tits and shit. This morning at an office meeting I was on my laptop connected to a projector. Normally I would type "p" and press enter to go to paypal, but because of last night, it went to pornhub. I was incredibly embarrassed. Now I'm the laughing stock of the office.
PhotoGuyNC: TIFU by looking at porn on my work computer.
TIFU by not using incognito mode.
TIFU by using clone screen instead of extend screen.
TIFU ... because dumb
theoldGP: oh you forgot one! TIFU by saying "stalk" instead of "stock;" thereby compounding the evidence of my stupidity
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1402446233 | 1402517057 | t3_27u2jw | t5_2to41 | 15 | benchris17: TIFU by making hot chocolate.
This happened last week, but I've been crazy busy so didn't post.
My first ever job is at a very-well known coffee shop branch in the UK.
I started a couple months back, just picking up trays and wiping tables, with the drinks being made by the baristas rather than myself, as I was expected to read a manual first and memorise recipes etc. I've had exams, so I just told what I considered was a 'little white lie' to my boss and said I'd started memorising the start of the book. I did this to effectively buy myself extra time, and get her off my back.
Someone called in sick, so I got a call early in the morning asking me to cover her shift. I wasn't thinking straight so I accepted the offer because the employee has always been pretty nice, so I figured why not. She's a barista; meaning my role for the shift was on the coffee machine as opposed to the ''cashier'' role or working in the back cleaning tables and all the cups as I'm used to. I completely forgot about this. The lunchtime rush came, I'm mostly watching the other barista and passing some coffee shots over and the cups etc to make sure we can get each drink done ASAP - I'd seen someone do this before so I knew how to do this.
The barista had to go to the toilet quickly, assuming that I could make the next order or two as my manager has confirmed I could make a couple basic drinks. My manager was working a couple meters away so I couldn't really say otherwise. People are shouting orders at me, I'm randomly making coffee shots and pouring milk as if I have any idea what the hell I'm doing, literally concocting random drinks and stalling time so that the customers thought I was being productive making a couple ''staff drinks'' like we often do. One of the orders was for a hot chocolate. I thought ''I can do that, I've made hot chocolate at home!'', so I just go for it, what's the worst that can happen right? *right?*
**wrong.**
The coffee machine is in a position so that I have my back to the customer as I make the drinks (due to store expansion but that's irrelevant). I made the drink too milky, and the consistency was a little weird, but I figured that if they complain the barista would be back by then. I turned to face the family who ordered the hot chocolate as one of their drinks, which had a son aged 4 at most.
I started to cover the 3 or 4 steps from the machine to the family, bad drink in hand. Then I slipped. The glass flew out of my hand and smashed on the counter, including the saucer underneath it. The hot chocolate at around 160 Fahrenheit covered the kid, who got scalded really badly. He instantly started screaming louder than I've ever heard anyone scream, and tried to move out of the remaining hot chocolate slowly leaking from the counter down onto his head. He moved too quick and slipped, landing in the puddle of hot chocolate and broken glass. His hands were cut open from the landing on the glass, and he pissed himself while crying in the hot chocolate puddle. We called an ambulance and the mother is trying to get compensation from our store.
I didn't get fired, but my manager flipped out at me pretty badly. I also got a ''talking to'' off the regional manager yesterday over the phone too. On a happy note, neither of them know about my not learning the drinks...
**TLDR; coffee shop, broke glass and covered a child in glass and 160 degree hot chocolate, he pissed himself.**
Nighthawk321: The kid should have been watching where he was standing. He almost got you fired! What a jerk
benchris17: Yeah... I guess some of it was my fault for the lie otherwise I wouldn't have been expected to be able to make the drinks in the first place... There's fault on both sides, and I'm sure that he had a worse day than myself.
Nighthawk321: lol i was being sarcastic lol it was your fault for not doing your reading, but noones fault for you slipping.
benchris17: Ah hahaha totally missed the sarcasm somehow. Yeah just one of those unfortunate things that happens I guess...
| 5 | 3 | |
1402448881 | 1402518239 | t3_27u6fz | t5_2to41 | 5,650 | wanderingmuppet: TIFU by having an orgasm at the nail salon.
Today, my gf and I went to go get our nails done together (as good lesbians do). I was really excited for the massage chairs, and unbeknownst to be, they were a little more intense then the ones I am used to. When I sat down, the woman to the left of me commented on how the chair was massaging her ass and she seemed uncomfortable. I figured she was overreacting... That is until the woman who was going to give me a pedicure turned on my chair.
The woman to my left was right, it was a butt massage, but as I was sitting straight up with my butt in the back of the chair, it hit a different spot. I squealed and my girlfriend gave me a look to shut up, and there were about 20 other women in the place so I didn't want to make a scene. I was like a deer in the headlights, frozen and unable to move, crippled with the anxiety of anyone finding out I was getting a hitachi magic wand straight to my clitoris. Needless to say, I came more than once and almost kicked the woman giving me a pedicure in the face. The chick to my left definitely knew, and gave me cut-eye as she walked out.
TL;DR: Show me on the doll where the chair touched you.
elums: Where did you say this nail salon was... :)
trampabroad: I didn't realize the nail salon was where women go for a happy ending :P
SisterBob: Son of a bitch... My mom keeps inviting me to one. ಠ_ಠ
Dustorn: Something something broken arms.
zfolwick: every.... damn.... thread!
Yuizme: Nonono we're subverting if now with the "something something" so all's right in the redditverse.
Metal_Badger: Actually the something something stage means that the reference is dieing a slow and painful death, as they all usually do.
aushack: Something something crusty cum box?
Metal_Badger: If only life would be that kind.
Vorling: Jolly rancher
Metal_Badger: *STAHP*
Wiiplay123: You're gonna hear that a lot in prison.
Metal_Badger: That one I'm going to need to hear context for. In other words, waht?
| 14 | 403.571429 | |
1402449001 | 1402465667 | t3_27u6n3 | t5_2to41 | 3 | I_fucked_up_bigtyme: TIFU by sending a text that asked a possible roommate if he had sex with animals...... fucking auttocorrect
Looking for roommate and sent a text asking if he ever does drugs or drinks a lot, just curious or gets into fights. It sent "ever thought of doing an animal? Just curious is all. Apparently its a fetish......... I hate auto correct. Please just leave me to my bad spelling in peace......... Is there any way I could be arrested or fired for an autocorrect fuck up? Im kind of worried actually. Plz help me.
Sarahhhhhhhh8: What were you trying to say?
I_fucked_up_bigtyme: SOmething along the lines of Do you do any drugs or drink alot? Just curious is all. Ever get in any fights? THats the gist of what i wanted to say. I cant remember because when i read it I about shit myself.
Nighthawk321: Your overreacting lol
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1402453038 | 1402539835 | t3_27ucjl | t5_2to41 | 126 | ramrodtonight: TIFU By Letting My Fiance See Pictures of my Ex. Yeah That Kind of Picture.
First of all I very much regret to say that I can't share the pictures. If she ever murders someone or becomes famous I promise I will share them by way of TMZ or that enterprising fellow that first dreamt up the excellent title "One Night in Paris".
So I absolutely deplore the practice of shouting between rooms, it annoys me greatly. So when my Fiance yelled "Can I borrow you're flash drive?", I quickly yelled "Yeah" more focused on the yelling than the actual request.
The tiny thumb drive on my keychain with a couple inconsequential word docs and excel sheets? Of course why not! But the 500GB Portable Hard Drive with the back up of my music library, documents folder and every single depraved thing that has caught my fancy in the last like 7 years? Uh-Oh.
Now she didn't go like digging through obscure folders, last time I had used the folder in question I had dragged it to the top level or whatever and it was pretty hard to miss.
I wish I could tell you that it was some grainy photo I was texted from the front of a bathroom mirror but nope. A few years ago when I was like 23 I was dating this very attractive and pretty insatiable girl who had to put it bluntly, some kind of cum fetish.
Some saintly individual had convinced her friend that swallowing cum had all sorts of crazy health benefits and her friend had convinced this girl. All though in fact I think that was just a kind of excuse.
She didn't care where I finished as long as she could eat it afterwards; being a pretty sort of gal my favorite locale was her face.
And of course, with the luck that never deserted me in those days when I mentioned pictures she just kinda dropped to her knees.
And not to get too lewd, but when I was in college a guy offered my friend a chance to be in a porno, and during the negotiations mentioned that a significant increase in salary was given to "heavy shooters". I've never thought of myself as such, but being fully aware that this might be the only time I'll ever get to take photos I took my time and worked up to a state where I was about as close to that charmed class that I've ever come.
So yeah I'm generally pretty good at talking my way out of stuff but I literally have no idea where to begin and I'm currently in the bedroom typing this while shes in the kitchen making a cup of tea slamming cabinets to let me know her mind.
**Tl;dr: A few years ago I blasted some chick in the face and my Fiance found the pictures I've been keeping of the event**
**Edit:** I finally came out of the bedroom to pour myself a drink and to allow her to go to bed in case she doesn't really care to sleep next to me tonight. Shortly after reaching the kitchen while my back was to her (our apartment is laid out pretty much like Chandler and Joey's in *Friends* but with only one bedroom) I heard the bedroom door slam and the **click** of the lock on the doorknob. But jokes on her we keep the liquor in the kitchen.
Teotwawki69: Does she know it's your ex? If she didn't, you could have passed it off as random porn. If she did, you should have just said, "Yeah, she was a slut. That's why I dumped her. I'm keeping this as insurance in case she ever tries to pull any shit on me."
pfinance_noob: You could also not revert to calling women who enjoy sex or cum sluts.
Teotwawki69: Except when it makes another woman feel less insecure. See what I did there? Ah, but you can't pander to one set of women without pissing off another set. Got it.
pfinance_noob: What?
Also, it's not about "pandering" to women. It's about not degrading women who enjoy sex.
ramrodtonight: I think the real point here is that my Fiance has never met the woman in question nor does she know her last name. Extolling the virtues of the naked woman on my computer might be honorable, but it wouldn't go very far in reviving my fiances hurt feelings.
"She's crazy and I like the assurance" might seem like a shabby thing to do but it seems a victimless crime
Neuro_nerdo: I posted this in another comment, but trashing your ex may make your fiancé more insecure. It makes it seem like you aren't over her. And if you really hate her so much, why do you still have pictures of her? Hate masturbating to exes, again, makes it seem like you aren't over them. And if she was so bad, why did you even date her? If you say that you were hate fucking her at the time it makes it look like you have a really fucked up attitude towards women (or did, at least) Also, trashing exes makes you seem immature.
I have no idea of what your fiancé is like, but for most people, sincerity and gentle honesty are going to be the best way to go.
DO accept the fact that you fucked up. You should not have intentionally kept pictures of your ex, and you especially shouldn't have left them in a file that was easily accessible. You did both, and she stumbled onto it, and is now very hurt.
DO apologize to your fiancé about how much you hurt her.
DO tell her that you dated this girl years before you even met your fiancé and that you don't have any more feelings for her and haven't spoken to her in a long time
DO try to explain that you consider pictures of exes to be just like any other porn.
DON'T expect her to accept the latter. It is perfectly reasonable for a current partner to not want you to masturbate to pictures of your exes. However, you can at least be sincere about your intent for keeping the pictures.
DO reassure her that your keeping the pictures has nothing to do with retained emotions about the relationship.
DON'T lie about how recently you looked at it. If the reason it was near the top of your files was because you watched it last week, come clean.
DO offer to delete every picture of exes, and then actually DO it. You are on thin ice in terms of trust. You can't afford more deception right now.
DON'T go into how amazing the sex was with your ex.
You're probably going to be paying for this for a while. It may take time for your fiancé to feel secure in the relationship. Don't guilt her about "not trusting" you, and don't try and force her to be cool about it any sooner than she wants to be. You're the one who fucked up here, and you have to take your punishment.
Source: experience. My fiancé had pictures of a girl who he was friends with. He was never interested in dating her, but she wanted to date him, so she sent him pictures, which he kept because he thought "why not?" I accidentally found them when I searched his computer for a file, and I used a word that was common to both files (I was looking for pictures from a baby shower, and I typed in "shower"). I knew this girl had a crush on my boyfriend, and when I saw the pictures, I was ready to set the computer on fire, and find my boyfriend as well as this girl and rip them apart with my bare hands. My boyfriend apologized profusely, explained that he had the pictures before he even met me, and just folded them into his porn collection. It took a while for me to feel okay again. He deleted them, and eventually cut off contact with the girl (who was frequently undermining our relationship, adding to my insecurity). We've now been dating for 6 years, and we are getting married next spring. He fully admits that he fucked up, and I very much appreciate the fact that he didn't try to push the blame on me for "not trusting" him. He took his medicine, and we are now much stronger for it.
ramrodtonight: Well as for this I only have to say that it wasn't really a long term relationship and was far more sexual than it was romantic.
We were just out of college and both broke, she worked long hours a lot of nights and I was doing like 55 hour weeks at that point at the minimum.
We were really just two people who were using the same bed at some point. The only reason I'm really even certain she couldn't have been seeing someone else while I was sleeping with her is that theres no way she would have had the time
Neuro_nerdo: I think the important thing here is, did your girlfriend know that she wasn't a serious fling? Because you mentioned that she didn't know much about your previous sexual exploits, so upon seeing that, she may have gone to the worst conclusion and thought it was the love of your life who shattered your heart and you had this amazing, mind blowing sex with her that you will never have again, and if she were to ask to start over, you would immediately drop your current SO to get with this chick. Or, she may have thought that it was a girl you cheated with. So, having that sprung on her is bad enough, but not having any context makes it a lot worse. So, you definitely need to explain the nature of your relationship to your ex fuck buddy to your current gf.
| 9 | 14 | |
1402455027 | 1402471567 | t3_27ufk5 | t5_2to41 | 27 | Jamarcus911: TIFU By Trying to get Healthier
First off this happened yesterday but certain key parts happened today which help make this story seem whole. And fuck throwaways...
It all started in December of 2013, I had decided to start working out in order to feel good, look good and not be a Jubba the Hutt cosplayer over summer vacation. So, like any other 19 year old, I started going to the gym. It went well, I gained some muscle, made new gym buddies and even a really good friend! Now let's call my him X. X and I decided to work out together and we did, went well for the first 6 months.
Well, yesterday X and I decided to do a new program which involved doing chest and then shoulders. I have a history of shoulder problems, such as straining both labrums from rugby,but I was feeling good after setting a new PR for dumbbell bench and wanted to do the same for seated db press. X was always a good spotter, since he knows I have pathetic shoulders. Alas, X and I were ready for me to commence my third set, but my shoulders clearly weren't.
I lifted the dumbbells up to my shoulders and *pop* went my left shoulder. Completely dislocated to the back. Now, holding 60lb dumbbells is not easy, especially when your shoulder pops out. I drop both on the ground, except it gets *worse*. The dumbbell in my right hand landed on my foot but the adrenaline didn't allow me to notice.
After walking around my gym asking someone to pop my shoulder back in, I do it myself (I don't know how, I just moved my elbow hard and flexed my traps). YAY! It's all good right? NOPE!
I drive home after the worst gym experience ever, but that's not all! Like many people, the first thing I did when I got home was to take off my shoes. My right sock was drenched in blood, and after examining my foot, I had gotten 2 black piggies and a nice big laceration on my foot.
After visiting the doctor today, I have to see a therapist and possibly a surgeon to see if I need surgery. So much for looking good on the beach!
TL;DR: Tried to nominate myself for the annual Darwin Awards
kabukicho69: Bro do you even lift?
Jamarcus911: I try haha
I was waiting for someone to say that.
kabukicho69: Never skip shoulder day
Jamarcus911: I don't! However even as a child, my left shoulder would easily pop out of the socket, even if it was for a second. Rugby tore my both labrums to shreds and I've been trying to strengthen them since then (also they're tiny) but I won't be doing much besides walking for a long time.
^at ^least ^^I ^^can ^^start ^^^GoT ^^^now..
Sam_MMA: Oberyn is actually Hodor.
*Hodor!*
| 6 | 4.5 | |
1402453434 | 1402471904 | t3_27ud71 | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU By attending too much college...
I took classes at Sierra College while I worked at a local company for about five years so I could save up for college right out of high school.
Then my savings gradually disappeared into the family business. I'm sure I'll get it back eventually... but that's a separate issue.
Then I got laid off. No big deal. I was sick of that place anyway. I decided to go for my degree, and I now have a plan to get to real state college in 2015. So, I go and ask for financial aid, thinking "boy, I'm glad I paid for everything out of pocket, now I have this tool to use."
Nope. Apparently Sierra College _just added a policy_ (like, last week), which forbids students with more than 90 credits from getting financial aid.
After five years of supporting my college, literally the first time I ask for aid, I get told I'm on my own.
I'm not happy. Not happy at all.
Teotwawki69: How do you get laid off from the family business, unless it went out of business?
And, regarding their policy, have you seen it in writing? Have you read the whole thing, and do they have grandfather exceptions? And does the 90 credit limit apply to *all* students, or just transfer students bringing in more than 90?
Finally, who told you about the policy? If it was some student worker, disregard and go talk to an actual employee or financial aid councilor or whatever they have there. And good luck.
[deleted]: He invested money into his family business. He worked at a separate company (from which he was laid off).
Teotwawki69: Sucks both ways, then.
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1402454126 | 1402460998 | t3_27ue8v | t5_2to41 | 6 | lumdumpling: TIFU by locking my car keys in a house that I showed this evening.
I was going through my routine of locking up the house as the potential buyers had already left.
My mind must have definitely been elsewhere because it wasn't until I had shut the front door, locked it, and placed the key securely in the lock box - did I go 'ehhhhh, now where are my keys..'
I am a showing agent. And also very ashamed.
discovermike: No ekey?
lumdumpling: My ekey fob is on my car key ring.
Yep. Genius here.
| 3 | 2 | |
1402456796 | 1402510367 | t3_27ui0c | t5_2to41 | 26 | itsmewallis: TIFU by not making my Tumblr likes private
So today I got a message on skype from the quiet girl from my school. We are kind of friends, but rarely talk. She follows me on Tumblr and I follow her back. (Thats how we became friends actually)
In the message she said that I should make my likes private and provides me a link to a part of tumblr I didn't know existed.
Apparently Likes can be accessed if you add the username of the user to the end of the URL.
So if you don't know me I am into crazy shit. So here is the quiet girl going through my porn stash. Apparently she has seen it long before I knew anyone had access. I am not a major porn connoisseur but I do look at it from time to time. I then laughed for a good half an hour. Changed my settings and played it off like I wasn't bothered.
I felt bad for her. She is one of the "innocent" mormon girls who never talks and is always nice to everyone. Though, I don't know why she would be going through my likes... I guess we both learned something about each other through this experience.
MennyC123: Use this experience to bond. Maybe find her porn
LintGrazOr8: Who know what he will find in a sexually repressed religious girls profile.
itsmewallis: Well I'm gay so..
LintGrazOr8: ...you might have the same interests in porn as her?
itsmewallis: Now that would be funny xD
LintGrazOr8: Send a creepy pm to her one day. :p
"You have a great taste..in porn!"
buildmeupbreakmedown: The Internet is really really great! ^^^FOR ^^^PORN!
I've got a fast connection so I don't have to wait! ^^^FOR ^^^PORN!
There's always some new site! ^^^FOR ^^^PORN!
I browse all day and night ^^^FOR ^^^PORN!
It' like I'm surfing at the speed of light! ^^^FOR ^^^PORN!
LintGrazOr8: The all caps makes it funnier.
Like an afterthought
| 9 | 2.888889 | |
1402458798 | 1402459021 | t3_27ujyf | t5_2to41 | 3 | Lugiafanatic: So...do you live with him? If so, how could you not talk with him?
Going_to_Cali: Well I looks like it happened in the last 15 minutes so they probably just haven't crossed paths yet.
Lugiafanatic: Yeah....
At any rate, OP, you're going to have to confront this eventually...why not just try talking to him now (don't necessarily bring it up, maybe wait for him to do it?)
| 3 | 1 | |
1402451196 | 1402493721 | t3_27u9w3 | t5_2to41 | 62 | Moghlannak: [NSFW] TIFU by fainting in front of a bunch of friends, with my nut sack hanging out.....
So I had like 6 or 7 friends over for beers/BBQ/joints etc. last weekend. Everything was going good, just hanging out shooting the shit, regular dude stuff. We had some beer delivered and when the guy got to my place I realized I had left my wallet in my room. So I casually jog to my room and just happen to stub the absolute fuck out of my toe on my travel luggage.
I've broken two toes over the years and knew pretty much right away it was broken. Stupidly I tried to jiggle it around to "scope" the damage. Not gonna lie, it was the most pain I've felt in a long time. I immediately started to get light headed, and I was seeing stars. I remember limping to the bathroom to take a piss, and that's about it.
Next thing I know I'm lying on my back in the living room with everyone standing around me laughing, with my pants around my hips, full on nut sack hanging out over my boxers. Apparently I waltzed my way unconsciously back into the party, did close to a somersault and landed in place, nuts out.
Although I have to say, it would have made one hell of a Vine.
zue3: Is.. is your dick under your balls?
TheCho5enNinja: How the hell did you get the beans above the frank?
AGuyWithABrokenPC: That's a reference to a video about getting it stuck in the zipper, but I have no idea where its from...
[deleted]: There's something about Mary
| 5 | 12.4 | |
1402458430 | 1402502741 | t3_27ukby | t5_2to41 | 33 | Rhurt: TIFU by watching police videos in the toilet at work
Like any good lunch break, I was sitting taking a long poo and watching videos on my phone. I never really have a game plan of what I'm going to watch I just ad lib it as I go. Today I somehow came to the topic of police videos, specifically , police brutality videos.
I had the sound on low but I knew there was no one else in the bathroom anyway. Went through a few vids then came to one of police overreacting when a dog approaches them, and they end up shooting the dog. So I was watching the video and it was building up to the point of the shooting... JUST before the shots were fired, the bathroom door swings open, and I panic to turn the volume Down on the side of my phone, and accidentally turn it UP. So just as my coworker walks in , he's met with the loud sound of gunfire and the sound of a whimpering dog. I just hear "what the fuck" then the door opens again and he leaves. A minute later he comes back with my supervisor, and they demand to know who is in the cubicle. I try to explain the situation but my coworkers and supervisor are all old and stale and not laughing along.
I may be in serious strife...
birdcage101: what? who cares what you watch on your phone while you're on the toilet. i don't understand the reaction.
Rhurt: Apparently watching a dog being shot crosses some kind of unspoken boundary
ObturateYourForamen: Just tell em you were watching police brutality videos in preparation for a speech you're gonna make at a rally against police brutality. Lying makes *everything* better!
shakaspeare: How does he explain his laughing and cheering? Lol
ObturateYourForamen: hmmm...maybe it was a coping mechanism against the atrocities he was observing. His mind rejected the tragedy and faked elation instead.
| 6 | 5.5 | |
1402459916 | 1402461075 | t3_27umbf | t5_2to41 | 14 | WritingIsforme: TIFU by overreacting
So, I had dealt with racial people before, (I am Asian.) Now, this was nothing like I had before. It was today at school, and one of my friends comes up to me with a new kid, the kid was small and weak. I kindly said 'Hello' And he responded like this...
'Do you need glasses because of your eyes?'
Sigh
Big Sigh
I fucking slapped him in the face, and threw him on the ground, he tried fighting back, but I just caught it and threw him down some more. He eventually started crying, and guess who shows up? The Principal. She escorts him to the nurses.
Guess what, today my parents want to talk to me after dinner.
Fuck
Any suggestions?
TL;DR Fucking up, bad...
Edit:
So, Hi, I told the truth, ended up with a phone call to the parents and the child, I decided to put the child on speaker for my parents to hear... He said some other words...Parents astounded, me...Eh, not so much...
lordsomos: Just explain the situation like you explained it to us, admit you screwed up and lost it, take responsibility for it and take your punishment without complaint. Then graciously apologize to the kid for losing it (yes, even if he was a prick) and move on with life.
WritingIsforme: I really feel like, they really won't believe me.
lordsomos: They don't have to believe you. You just do what needs to be done, eventually it becomes a habit. Next thing you know, you have some personal accountability and everybody starts to know it. Whenever you speak, people listen and believe you out of habit. The point being that you build up the image you want people (including your parents) to have of you. If you act otherwise, there will never be a reason to believe you.
WritingIsforme: I've never lied, but this was something that got to me. I mean, yes, usual racism is smaller things. But I don't know what got me off on this one. Anyway, thanks. Better image. Anyway just had the talk with my parents! Ill update now!
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1402455092 | 1402487259 | t3_27ufni | t5_2to41 | 51 | Unicornsfordinner: TIFU by asking my friend how her parents were doing.
My best friend had asked me out for coffee recently and I happily obliged. I hadn't seen her in a couple if weeks so I met her at the cafe we usually go to. She sat down with her drink and we talked about the usual. She's dating my SO's cousin so we talked about their families and my family. Then I was slightly flustered so I casually asked "how are your parents?". We locked eyes and my face dropped. The reason I was so flustered was because her dad had passed two weeks earlier and I didn't know how she was handling it since the funeral. Then I go and ask how her fucking parents are. That second felt like forever. It felt like everyone in the cafe dropped their cups and looked at me while the barista shook her head whisperin,"oh no she di-int". I held my breath as she opened her mouth and...laughed. "We'll my dads still dead", she replied and I pulled my foot from my mouth so I could finish my coffee. Fucking friendship.
TL;DR asked my BFF how her dead dad was doing. She laughed and everything was gravy
Edit: adn to and
robturner45: I've done something similar before. About 5 years ago one of my friends dad's had died and he was not handling it well on the inside but he appeared fine on the outside (not a lot of people knew just me and a few at school). So one day were having a bit of 'banter' and he resorts to the 13/14 year old childish phrase of "your mom" as at the time *we were* 13/14. Not wanting to lose this hilarious and witty war of words I retorted "Your dad sucked so much dick he died." One of those moments where you just forget and you didn't even say it to offend, everything slows down and you backpedal like Lance Armstrong with a full set of testicles that produce amphetamine.
sunflowerkz: What if he started crying, then admitted that sucking too much dick was actually how his dad died.
robturner45: I'd ask him how many like any sane person would.
Future_Jared: 37.
robturner45: In a row.
TheCowsRComing: No. At the same time.
| 7 | 7.285714 | |
1402460038 | 1402532862 | t3_27umh4 | t5_2to41 | 74 | HwrdStrk: TIFU and lost the girl of my dreams.
Hey guys.
Let me start by saying this didn't happen today. This happened close to a week ago. I have this co-worker. For all intents and purposes, we will call her Hawk. I have been working with Hawk for close to three years, and will be working with her for just one more year until she moves to Santa Barbara. Now, during these years, I have dated around 4 girls. Don't get me wrong, I have genuinely liked all these girls, but since orientation day, where I first met Hawk, I have had her in the back of my head the whole time. I didn't ask her out because I couldn't imagine even the remote possibility of her saying no and how heart breaking that would be. Like, I truly loved this girl. If that doesn't make any sense, so be it. I don't think I can really put it into words. So a month ago, we went on a company retreat. The company took us up to yosemite where everyone who signed up went backpacking for close to a week. I love yosemite and used to go up there all the time, so I happily volunteered, and so did Hawk. It was a dream come true. It got even better when we were designating drivers, and our manager was choosing random people to take one of the company vans. He picked me, Hawk, and 2 other work guys as well as 2 drivers. The van was split into three rows; the front driver seat, the middle two seats, and the back seats. I was late to the packing with Hawk, so we ended up in the back. It was a fairly long trip, probably somewhere close to 6 hours. We had always been friends, and so we were talking some, laughing at some of the stupid stuff we saw on the drive up, and finally, after a few hours, she yawned and then put her head on my shoulder. Now, this wouldn't be a very big deal, except that she is not physical at all. Like, ever. I saw a few people from the office (mixed gender, not just guys) accidentally brush against her and she would jump back. So this was a huge deal. I put my head on her head, and we slept like that for close to two hours. It was awesome. She woke up, which startled me awake. We looked around and realized we were in Yosemite. Awesome. Time to start our hike. We pulled up next to the trail head, found a parking spot, and grabbed our packs and started the journey. Since we had some not-so-fit people in our group, we moved slower than usual. So Hawk and I led the pack as we talked. I learned a lot about her. She was the sweetest person on the outside, but she had some screwed up family stuff going on. So I listened to her for a while. After what seemed like the blink of an eye, we were at our campsite. So we unpacked our gear, I started handing out the tents, and we started the campfire. Eventually, after dinner had been settled and we were all just staring blankly at the campfire, Hawk came over and say next to me. I loved making her laugh, so I got up with my really good friend and started putting on a show complete with dancing and singing. It was a blast. Eventually we had a full row of performers on one side of the fire, and the audience plopped down on the log across. We sang until we all got too tired, then sat down and started just talking about stuff. As we settled down for the night, myself in a tent with two of my other co-workers, I couldn't help but think how amazing this day was. It just couldn't get better.
The next day is when it all turned to shit. There is this guy in who came with us. His greatest enjoyment seemed to be gossip, which is always the worst. So day 2 of camping, we head down to the river where there is a big sandy patch. So half of us played frisbee while the other half went swimming. I love swimming, and the current wasn't too bad, so I joined in. I eventually decided to swim up stream for a challenge until I realized I couldn't see the group. So I back floated down until I heard the normal laughing and talking. As I swam back to shore, I realized only one person was still swimming aside from me; Mr. Gossiper himself. So I struck up a conversation about how wonderful yosemite is. Somehow, he managed to get from that to the topic of office relationships. He has no filter, so eventually he blurted out the he heard from someone who heard from someone etc, that Hawk had no interest in me. Being the half-wit I am, I took this guys word. Dreams crushed, I went back to the shore, dried up, and sat watching the everyone play frisbee.
Fast forward to later that night, I got sort of drunk (Yes, someone actually brought beer. I know, stupid thing to bring when backpacking. It weighs a ton. What ever, it wasn't me carrying it.), and started hitting on some of my other co-workers. Everyone except Hawk. Eventually, she got fed up and went to her tent. I didn't notice, trying to keep the party alive. Eventually I headed back to my tent. I talked out of my ass for quite a few hours to my buddy, until I eventually went to sleep for real.
The next morning, I woke up with a shameful hangover. I tried to get rid of it over the course of the next few hours. We got together as a group and planned the day hike for the day. It was 4 miles up to the top of the hill we were right at the base of. We got into groups of those that would stay, and those that would hike. I jumped at the opportunity to hike, and immediately as I did, Hawk changed her mind and decided to stay. That was just the first inclination that something was wrong. This type of thing kept up the entire day. I didn't understand what was wrong. After all, she didn't like me, right?
Finally, we are at the end of the trip. We are walking back to the bus, and Hawk wouldn't talk to me at all. She said the occasional, "Slow down" or, "Wait for the group" but other than that, radio silence. The same continued in the van the whole way back. She wouldn't acknowledge my existence until about halfway through the ride when I asked if she was mad about something and she replied in a sarcastic happy voice, "No! Not at all. Everything is just fine." and then turned away. We got back to the office, dispersed, and started making our Friday night/weekend plans. For some reason, I thought that despite all my stupid mistakes, and being told she doesn't like me, I would give it one more chance, since I really wanted to date her before she left for a year. Before she left the office, I ran to her car and asked her if she wanted to grab a drink that night. She actually slapped me and the drove away.
So reddit, how's my fuckup?
ORGANDONERLAND: DUDE I MADE A USERNAME JUST TO TELL YOU THAT YOU NEED TO TELL THIS GIRL THAT YOU WERE TOLD THIS SHIT BY THIS GUY AND THAT'S WHY YOU ACTED DISTANT AND OFF THAT WHOLE DAY.
seriously bro, you gotta tell her. otherwise you will regret FOREVER FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE and spend your days wondering what could have been.
in case you have any irrational doubts lingering, she DEFINITELY LIKES YOU and since it was just one day, YOU CAN DEFINITELY MAKE IT BETTER AGAIN.
ajarofmarmalade: Hey since you clearly read this, can you summarize it for me? I don't feel like reading it but it seems interesting
lokkenmor: Guy likes girl. Girl behaves like she likes guy. Gossip tells guy girl has no interest, guy listens.
Guy decides to flirt with other girls. Girl is upset, guy is oblivious. Girl is distant and tetchy, guy notices.
Guy tries to reconcile, girl slaps him in the mouth.
Pretty cliche tbh.
---
Edit: /u/icanjumpthat has a more concise summary further down.
ajarofmarmalade: Hahaha I liked yours better. Thanks
icanjumpthat: Rude...
Mockiba: haha
| 7 | 10.571429 | |
1402454292 | 1402501025 | t3_27uehx | t5_2to41 | 21 | [deleted]: TIFU, Got knocked out.
During this time of year, the only students that stay at their flats rather than going home are the ones that have to resit exams. This year there was quite a few of us in my building so one of my neighbours decides to throw a party. The party's pretty hectic and everyone's drunk, I don't drink but I did smoke a lot of weed. A couple hours into the party I started talking to a really good looking girl, she was blonde and around 5'9. As we're talking and slightly flirting, some guy approaches us and strikes up conversation with her. After about 15 mins or so, The guy asks her "so who's it going to be, me or ameel110". And she replied in a sarcastic way, "I dunno, fight over it". I'm really high at this point, I thought oh shit, I can fuck her if I knock this dude out. So I threw the most retarded punch ever thrown by anyone, this guy moves out of the way pretty easily. I thought I got hit by a truck once I came to my senses. I asked my friend what happened, he told me I got knocked clean out, that guy took the girl and was fucking her in the next room.
ChickenMcfaggot: Your only fuck up was thinking you could take a drunk guy while stoned as shit.
[deleted]: Actually his only fuck up was trying to hook up with a girl who thinks its cool to have guys fighting over her.
sternlook: Should've turned and walked. Not worth it.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1402460897 | 1402511945 | t3_27unl9 | t5_2to41 | 154 | FightFireBitch: TIFU by humping my dog's water bowl
I was working outside today, spraying roundup down my fence line. After a little while I needed to pee. I stepped into the woods to take a leak which is a fairly common decision for me. After I had finished and zipped up, I realized that I had just handled my junk with chemicals all over my hands. I ran to the house to wash my junk but somehow I had managed to lock myself out. I panicked and looked around for my next course of action. I saw my dog's water bowl a few feet away from me. I dropped my shorts and began dunking my junk in the water. I had been at this task for about 8 seconds when around the corner came the UPS lady delivering a package. Awkward eye contact followed. I began a stammering explanation which she did not stick around to hear.
TL;dr UPS lady delivered my package and saw my "package"
CurrentlyIncognito: You realized you handed your junk with chemicals all over your hands so you proceeded to bath it in dog saliva and whatever your dog licked that day. *Cringe.*
I hope the UPS lady had a good laugh out of it though. Also hoping you live in a fairly large community so nobody would find out ever.
Razultull: Does this mean his dog gave him a blowjob?
FightFireBitch: no... no I don't think so. It doesn't mean that right!!?!?
mythrowawayresponse: doesn't matter - had sex
| 5 | 30.8 | |
1402461081 | 1402477761 | t3_27untd | t5_2to41 | 23 | neverthesame2: TIFU five years ago by eating a nuclear-strength edible pot brownie
Disclaimer: This is not a "drugs are bad, mkay?" / anti-pot post. I used to smoke/rip quantity of the stickiest nugs and enjoyed it immensely for years, until the day I managed to f*ck my head up for good.
You are no doubt skeptical. In fact, you may not even believe me ([r/trees certainly didn't](http://www.reddit.com/r/trees/comments/27imk3/rtrees_please_be_careful_with_edibles_traumatic/)), and this is a cross-post, but let me tell you it's the whole, entire, complete, god's honest truth, and it happened to me. Five years into what has been affirmatively diagnosed by 3 reputable physicians, several MRI's, and three days of comprehensive neuropsych battery as brain injury, the idea that pot can't perma-fry you is unfortunately just not true.
This sucks in a way only an amputee or paralyzed person can properly relate to. Your brain. Your brain is who you are. It's closer to you than your best friend, your parents, your spouse. It's your memories, your personality, your abilities, your potential, and when it's gone, how can I describe this? You are not "you" anymore, you are something else. But like a dog who loses a leg, you keep running like you have four, trying to be the you that you were, the you that you were meant to be. Every second of every day I have to live inside a broken computer that gives me wrong data, that makes me look unbelievably stupid, that can't handle even rudimentary complexity, memory, or cognitive tasks, and this has affected every aspect of my life, from my own internal mental landscape to my interactions with others.
It's one thing to be dumb, but it's a special hell to have once been bright, and then to have lost that. Every day I have to face the world, my job, my spouse, my family, and know that I have failed them, and failed myself. It was an accident, so I don't blame myself, but it doesn't change my waking reality.
So, all I am saying is, please--for the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and His Noodley Appendage =) *please* be careful with edibles or better yet, avoid them entirely. It is so, so not worth it. You think you've made mistakes in life, but let me tell you--you haven't.
(If you are curious about the sordid details of how this happened, etc., the details are below, but suffice to say, if you play with high-grade edibles, you are effectively putting your life in your hands. No other drugs were involved here. I didn't realize it was even possible to do this, but holy hell do I wish I had known. Every day I wish I hadn't eaten that fucking thing.
Anyway, I figured if I posted this then at least someone else might not make the same mistake. Best of luck, and remember this post the next time you are offered an edible. It may have enough THC to shatter your mind. You are not invincible. Be careful.
**tl;dr** I was a normal person who ate a monster edible and ended up with permanent irreversible brain damage. I would now classify myself intelligence-wise as a kind of nice idiot. Entire sections of my brain were erased. It was *not* worth it; avoid edibles.
**The entire, unabridged incident** (typing quickly so excuse any issues):
I am a few years past 30; when the incident occurred I was 28. In general I liked smoking although I am fairly sensitive to it and would only smoke occasionally so my tolerance was not high, a fact which in retrospect I should have paid more attention to. Usually if I didn't smoke a ton, I would be fine, but if I smoked too much, I would get nervous / anxious to an extent that I could not control. Despite that, I liked smoking for all the positive effects of a low dose, and I've smoked hundreds of times out of innumerable instruments since being about 15, I've made brownies / cookies, and I have been extremely high, but nothing like this. I live in a state that gets very high-quality bud, and have ripped 3-foot bongs and coughed my lungs out on many a night and then visualized the eternal. In general I am a normal person, I exercise, I have a wife and a good family, I went to a well-regarded University in the U.S., I scored highly on standardized tests, I have a job still, somehow, etc. etc. etc.
Anyway, so before this incident, a friend of mine who was visiting had left me a lollipop from a local dispensary as a gift. He warned me in passing that it was really potent and not to eat the whole thing at once. "Yeah yeah, I get it." So one night I am at my desk late at night and I have had a few beers and I think oh yeah, that lollipop sounds good, I'll have some of that. So I start licking it and I think to myself--I think I'm being smart--oh, this is sugar so it should absorb really quickly into my system and I should feel it immediately. In other words, I wrongly think that it will not take the standard 1-2 hours that a normal edible would take. So I lick it a bit, wait 20 minutes, and don't feel very much, and I think, well this must have been from a weak batch, so I say, meh, and eat the entire thing. Biggest mistake of my life.
I start to feel a bit more buzzed another 20 minutes later, but I'm getting tired and decide I should just go to sleep. I do.
At some point later I wake up and within seconds I realize what has happened--I have made serious error in judgment and now I am going to be uber-stoned. I am way panicky because I can't control that, and I can't sleep, but I think well, I have been pretty high before, I'll just try to sleep it off. I kind of prop myself up in bed because my heart is beating a mile a minute, and after maybe an hour of trying to go to sleep, I finally go to sleep.
As soon as I wake up, I know something is wrong. I have a major headache and when I try to think about the night before, I can't really piece it together normally. I think well, you ate enough pot for 10 people last night, you're going to be a little fuzzy. I try to ignore it. My alarm going off at 100 decibels and when I look at it I realize it has been going off for hours.
I shower and keep thinking, something's not right, I can't think properly. The right side of my head is pounding, and my right eye feels weird and I realize that if I close my left eye and try to read something **I can't read it**. I have 20/20 vision and I don't mean the words are blurry, I mean my focal point is not there, I cannot see the text, as though I were looking at the blind spot that is naturally in the eye (where your optic nerve enters the eye.) This freaks me out a bit, but I am still hoping that I just need a day or two to recover. Even though I've turned off the alarm, I still hear it in my head as though it's right next to me--literally as though it were burned into my brain. Nothing like this has ever happened to me so there's no parallel I can draw.
I go about my day, make breakfast, have a cup of coffee, try to take my mind off it. I answer some emails, etc, try to act normal despite the fact that I'm realizing that my brain is not responding normally to my commands--formerly I didn't even really notice that the brain is a thing that you give commands to, but now I can see plain as day that it is, because it feels like many of my neural pathways are suddenly dead ends. Holy hell, this is scary, but since I know from reading online that THC is regarded as being impossible to "OD" from, I'm pretty positive this will go away.
The next morning I wake up and pray that I feel different, before realizing I don't. I don't even feel 1 degree better than the day before. My right eye feels like it's made of glass; when I look at people I feel like I can't see them properly, even though they are sharply in front of me. I am inwardly terrified that I have somehow messed myself up, and as I go about my job and my tasks I realize that I can't access information the same way, and I realize that it's as though you took a database index and dumped it, or scrambled all the names in the phone book. I no longer have immediate access to historical facts about anything that's happened to me prior to the incident. I have to think **hard**, and for some time, to be sure that something in the past actually happened. The headache on the right side of my head hasn't gone away, and now it feels like there's something stuck in there, like a pebble in your shoe; something lifeless amid organic matter. I am starting to worry that maybe I have an embolism or a stroke precursor. This would explain it, I think to myself. If I can get it checked out, maybe I'll be okay.
I start to realize I am spending an inordinate amount of time and energy covering up for my state. The next day, in the evening, someone asks me the simple, conversational question, "What'd you do earlier today?", and I realize to my abject horror, that *I have no idea what I did that entire day* None. It is gone. All of it. I struggle to recall but I simply have no memory of anything that I did. I make up something based on what I know I normally do, "Oh you know, work..." but now I realize that something is actually physically wrong; I am disabled. All I can do is hope it goes away, and try to cope.
I wait a month before I go see a neurologist. When I tell him what happened he laughs at me, but says he'll schedule an MRI just to make sure it's not related to a stroke or anyeurysm. I get the MRI and he claims that nothing looks abnormal. He refers me to a neural surgeon who looks at it and says the same thing, but also says that MRI's don't have a great degree of resolution. He suggests that if I feel I have cognitive issues that I should get a clinical psych evaluation. I am somewhat glad that there's nothing on the MRI, it makes me think that I may get better.
Fast forward a year. Nothing is different, although I am starting to get a little bit better at remembering what I did that day; I have to make mental signposts during the day to remember, but even that doesn't usually work. I find I have a hard time understanding things that people are saying to me. The words go in and out even though I struggle to understand them, I can't. I constantly have to ask people to repeat themselves. I have never experienced this before.
I notice another thing--I can't find words when I speak; I can type, but adjectives, nouns, verbs, when I try to find the words I normally could find, they are gone, leading to awkward pauses as my brain futilely tries to access grey matter than is apparently gone. I am interviewed on the news for a business that I am running and I almost spout gibberish, when normally I am eloquent. In conversation, I have to think carefully about everything I say. On one occasion, I literally say some gibberish to a group of friends--it brings a dead stop to the conversation. My friend says, "Do you realize you just said a bunch of nonsense words? You're like that YouTube video of the news woman who has a stroke!" All I did was eat a lollipop.
I notice another thing--I can no longer make logical inferences. If I have to weigh a decision in my job like, "Well, given factors A, B, and C, if we leave out D, what's the best course of action?" I lose the trail--I have no way to follow the logical construct to it's end. I resort to diagraming out even simple things on paper, and even then, its' like I just can't hold the equation in my head. People don't understand why I can't come to a conclusion.
I finally see the clinical psych and they put me through something like 12 hours of tests over the course of 3 days. It turns up exactly what I suspect--I am "seriously impaired" in some areas--logic, short-term recall, vocabulary, and fine in others. It's like someone took a soldering iron to a certain area of my brain and fried it--it's gone baby, gone. I resolve to suffer through it, even though it feels like a nightmare.
Present-day, I finally have some spare time and think, "You know, I should post to /r/trees, maybe I'll prevent someone from suffering the same fate as myself, from losing something unrecoverable." and to be honest, I should have realized that people were not going to take this well, but I don't care. If one person sees this and doesn't eat a fucking nuclear edible, and it saves them a lifetime of disability, that's worth it. Good luck to all of you.
Zaethar: But what exactly were you diagnosed with? What exactly caused the brain injury? Which circumstances led to the injury? Was it an aneurysm? Oxygen deprivation? Something else entirely? Which sections of the brain are injured, and how do they show up on the scan(s)? Which types of medical professionals made which diagnoses, exactly?
I'm not doubting that you are affected somehow by something on either a physiological or psychological level. What I do doubt is that it was solely the THC lollipop. Perhaps there were other substances present in the lollipop, or perhaps the THC only served as a catalyst for an episode of some sort (seizure, TIA?), or perhaps you had an attack/episode that is unrelated to the THC lollipop, which just happened at a very, very inopportune time for it not to seem like it was caused by the lolly.
Weed has certainly been shown to cause some neurological degradation over long periods of heavy use, but I've never seen tests or studies that would imply that industrial-strength amounts could instantly fry (parts of) your brain. Hence my scepticism.
I do however wish you the best of luck with things. No matter what caused it, it's horrible to have to live with.
Future_Jared: From his description of the MRI, it sounds like his brain wasn't physically damaged, so it wouldn't have been an aneurysm or anything like that. Unless those things take time to show up or MRI's aren't accurate enough to read everything (I don't work in medicine, so my understanding could be quite wrong).
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1402474803 | 1402515524 | t3_27v19q | t5_2to41 | 91 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating before work
I started out my morning rather normal, except today I decided to get a good start.
I reached for my vibrator and did my thing, I lost track of time and I literally had five minutes before I had to be at work.
I grabbed a bra and bolted out the door.
I arrived home later in the evening to find that my door was wide open and my vibrator had been flung to the FRONT of my bed, that which faces the kitchen, a high traffic area for the viewing of a bright blue lady pleaser.
I should note that I JUST moved into this house of 4 strangers not even a week ago.
They now think I am a pervert who peers through their windows at night stroking a lucky ball of lint I found in the dryer.
[deleted]: this is one of the golden rules, people dont care as much as you think, ignore it, if they mention it just laugh
its your life and your reality, master ur self confidence and the sky is the limit
el_crunz: Correct - In my experience, no one cares.
Prospekt01: Everyone acts like its this big shameful thing. Everyone does it..
[deleted]: i wish i cared....
| 5 | 18.2 | |
1402472287 | 1402476940 | t3_27uzai | t5_2to41 | 4 | Hamza78ch11: TIFU by trying to have a midnight snack
This was actually a couple years back when I was a chubby teenager. My mom tried to get me to be healthy and as such I was put on diet and exercise. I hated every second of it. After a few days I couldn't put up with it anymore I needed to drown myself in unhealthy, savory, greasy fat. What better thing to eat than a grilled cheese sandwich? So I put my bread an cheese into the little toaster oven and wait patiently until done. Take my golden little baby out of the sandwich maker and I'm about to eat that like a snake eats a particularly chubby bunny and when I close my eyes and lean in about to french kiss that mother I bite down and...wait..what? That can't be right. There's no cheese! The universe itself somehow magicked the cheese out of my sandwich. Suddenly my mom's room light comes on. Hide! Turn out the kitchen light and hide behind the fridge. My mom's door opens, she walks out, and suddenly there's a squelching noise and a surprised gasp. My mother just stepped straight onto the molten cheese that was moments ago inside my sandwich. It fell out of my sandwich onto the kitchen rug and ruined my snack and my diet.
TL;DR No one in my family ever looks down to see where they're walking
NotSoSlenderMan: *Today* I Fucked Up. Not several years ago. And how the Hell does cheese fall out of a grilled cheese. If it was cooked at all it would have fused with the bread. So you're fat *and* a liar.
ObturateYourForamen: Rule number 1 from the sidebar:
> All titles must start with "TIFU". However, your fuck-up doesn't need to be from today.
So...i guess you're just kinda rude and don't read the rules?
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1402476106 | 1402618310 | t3_27v27h | t5_2to41 | 206 | [deleted]: [NSFW] TIFU by vomiting on my new fiance's lap during a BJ
This happened late last night. Last weekend my partner and I got engaged.
Yesterday I tell him I have a surprise for him later, so we're in bed and I do a little strip tease in cute underwear and go down on him, we're getting right into the moment, and he grabs my hair and plunges his dick deep into my throat and fucks it.
(It's okay we're into that sort of thing)
However, the next thing I know I've began to vomit, he pulls out quickly, but it's too late, his lap is covered in my dinner. He then has to squeaze my vomit out of his dick like a tube of toothpaste.
> "Told you I had something special planned......."
Luckily we both laughed it off and further proved we're mean't to be :p
Osafune2: "He had to squeeze my vomit out of his dick like a tube of toothpaste"
That's the most ghastly description of something I have ever read :P
I wish you both a happy, long marriage.
Krexington_III: My *hrm* friend has had to do this with poop.
Jen_Nozra: A perfect reason never to go anal without a condom... But thanks for that image :S
cream_and_peaches: ...or at least not without douching properly beforehand.
Jen_Nozra: Isn't douching bad for you, though? Main reason I don't want anal is the fear of a poop disaster...
cream_and_peaches: It's fine as long as you're not doing it like, every day...
You need to give your body about half an hour after douching to generate some more mucus before starting play.
If you douche every day you risk drying everything out too much and getting a rash, which pretty much just goes away when you stop douching for long enough.
Jen_Nozra: Thanks for the information :-)
cream_and_peaches: No bother :)
Also, be careful what lube you use... Try to go for something with as few ingredients as possible, and no glycerin(e) added. Glycerin(e) can cause/feed nasty yeast infections.
Jen_Nozra: Not sure I am brave enough to try it. But I will remember this if I do :-).
cream_and_peaches: If you do, just remember to take it slow, and relax. There's no rush, and rushing will just make it difficult and painful and generally bad for everyone involved.
Jen_Nozra: Thanks! You are now my official reddit sex advisor ;-)
cream_and_peaches: Any time :)
Seriously, PM me if you want to ask anything... There's not much I haven't done :p
| 13 | 15.846154 | |
1402477451 | 1402486993 | t3_27v37b | t5_2to41 | 76 | EL_SALMONO: TIFU by watching pregnancy porn in class
(GAME OF THRONES SPOILERS AHEAD)
I had completed my coursework and needed to wait for it to be graded but the teacher it was for wouldn't be in for another 2 hours, so I decided to catch up on some game of thrones seeing as only me and my pal were on that side of the class. So I'm there comfortably watching Lannisters getting rekt when it gets to the scene where that priestess of the light bint strips her robes and shows her nude engorged preggers belly to Ser Davos on stannis' squad in the cavern, right at this moment I look to my left and see the current teacher directly behind me staring at my screen which I sheepishly immediately skip ahead 30 seconds.. to her giving birth to a creature of shadow... roll credits.
TL;DR i am a fucked up sexual deviant
ShowStoppa718: TIFU by spoiling Game of Thrones..
EL_SALMONO: its series 2, come on son step yo game up
ShowStoppa718: Work 2 jobs and have kids. I barely have time to smell my own shit.
just_browsin_yo: And yet you have the time to post the same thing twice....
I smell contradiction.
ShowStoppa718: Smell my balls instead. I didn't see my first comment up there.
| 6 | 12.666667 | |
1402479395 | 1402556074 | t3_27v4mh | t5_2to41 | 11 | sexyontheoutside: TIFU when my phone freaked out on snapchat
TIFU by nearly ruining a friendship whilst simultaneously almost scarring his younger sister.
So my phone has been having lots of random problems the last couple of months and recently the screen has sometimes not been touch sensitive. My friend and I have a joke like many immature young adult men where we jokingly will send pictures on snapchat that let's just say are not pictures that a self respecting person would want the public to see.
Today was a normal day and it's 3 in the morning where we live. About an hour ago I was on snapchat intending to send him a picture of... ahem... one of my sexual organs. *cough* Nutsack *cough*
So I take a picture and put a distracting caption that would force accidental exposure to the eyes and then tried to send it. Well, my phone wasn't sending so I being the impatient person that I am began mashing the button to move on to the screen where you choose who to send it to. TERRIBLE MISTAKE!!! Out of the fucking blue my phone decides to work and I can't stop my rapid screen mashing quickly enough. The very next thing that I see is my recent conversations screen with one of my closest friend's little sister at the very top of the list. Immediately I freak the FUCK out like any sane human should and with a million worst case scenarios flashing through my head I decide that I need to act really fucking fast because this could really quickly turn into the world's biggest shit show of all time. I immediately send a follow-up snap that says "I am so extremely sorry! My phone majorly fucked up!" and call my friend, her older brother, to wake him up from his much needed sleep and hopefully do some damage control because his sister sometimes stays up really late and could possibly be awake still. He picks up on the second time that I call him and without even giving him time to wake up I immediately go off at a million miles an hour. Before I even greet him I start off with "Dude, I really fucked up majorly I need you to get your sister's phone right fucking now!" to which he groggily slurs out a confused "...what...?" Still having not even stopped for air yet I rush on at a million and a half miles an hour "Dude just trust me and get the fuck in there right now. I was sending a snap to ______ and my phone freaked out and I fucked up and I sent your sister a picture that might scar her and definitely cause the ultimate awkwardness. I NEED you to please take care of this as soon as you can!"
He assures me that he's going to do his best, which I'm not satisfied with, so I tell him that he needs to come through at all costs. Luckily he's a really close friend so he understood and wasn't too pissed about it even though he had to see my nutsack twice (once when he opened the snap and again when he used his sister's replay on it so that there was absolutely no way for her to see it.) I apologized profusely for waking him up and for almost fucking up big time but he wasn't pissed because he thought that the whole situation was funnier than hell and there was no harm done anyway. Thank the sweet lord for good friends and I am so extremely glad that the odds were ever in my favor.
The short version: Accidentaly sent my balls to my friends sister. Wake up friend in the middle of the night. Friend saves my ass and is completely cool with it. Dodged a bullet and have a new story to tell my grandchildren when I get old.
just_browsin_yo: Sounds like you didn't fuck up. I'd say that all turned out incredibly well.
sexyontheoutside: Oh it's definitely still a fuck up but I agree with you that it did work out pretty well considering
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1402484495 | 1402555573 | t3_27v8jc | t5_2to41 | 80 | Gunfuni: TIFU By yelling I will skullfuck your brain in a mickey mouse voice
I was sitting in my room playing a video game called Rust attacking some asshats who raided my friends base while I was using my Mickey Mouse voice to strike fear into them or something. But as a spur of the moment I yelled out "I WILL SKULLFUCK YOUR BRAIN" in my Mickey Mouse voice followed by his iconic HYUHUH. Lord behold my mum yells back /u/gunfuni are you alright?
What do reddit, what do
TL:DR: My mum thinks I'd bonehead
MachinaExDeo: Boy, that escalated quickly.
nerplederple: [Everything you know and love is forfeit.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g56q3j8NAcw)
TylerJ89: Can someone please explain that video to me? Was this an animation off of a time when he played Rust using the real audio?
Gunfuni: It's from a famous YouTube, I took inspiration and learnt how to Micky Mouse myself.
| 5 | 16 | |
1402488964 | 1402492481 | t3_27vcpk | t5_2to41 | 66 | [deleted]: TIFU by having a wet dream in a dorm room with 8 girls.
My friends and me talked recently about having wet dreams. I told them that I've had NEVER a wet dream. I guess because I have sex or masturbate regularly. The idea of waking up with jizz in my pants was just weird, so I mocked them. A couple of weeks later I was travelling and didn't have much of a chance to masturbate. I ended up super tired in a Hostel in Hong Kong. Talked to some people, had a beer and went to bed early. I had a naughty dream in which I had sex with a strange girl in missionary position with the **best cumshot ever**. I can still remember the cumshot scene, and how it felt in the moment. I woke up with a smile and thought: "Fuck, what a nice dream.". I was a bit scared though that I've might moaned during my sleep. I ignored it and went online with my phone, scratch my balls during and noticed something wet. Didn't thought about it too much and got up. When I stood there in the middle of the room I realized I have a big visible stain of jizz on my shorts. I also realized that the hostel dorm room was filled with 8 girls, some of them giving me weird looks while standing in the middle of the room shocked. I looked down on the ground, turned around and went to the bathroom. I stayed in the bathroom for a while to do my morning routine and hoped it'll be water under the bridge when I come out of the room again.
**TL;DR: I had my first wet dream in a hostel dorm room filled with 8 girls.**
*Notice: English is not my first language. Sorry for mistakes.*
DrSteveBrule_FYH: Wet dreams are a natural occurance for a growing broy, try to have more, they are the brest dreams. For your health!
[deleted]: I'm 28 years old. This was my first one. Bad timing. But I agree, best dream ever.
DrSteveBrule_FYH: I said you were 28, ya dinlgus.
| 4 | 16.5 | |
1402492422 | 1402494142 | t3_27vgka | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by calling my sister a racist after she said something racist.
I gave my sister a ride home from her work. My mum had been at the shops, so I picked her up too.
We stopped off at a supermarket on the way back, where I had a really irritating guy refuse to let me leave because he thought my signature on my receipt was different to the one on the back of the card, despite the fact that I had lots of photo ID and other cards with the signature.
When I got to the car, I said 'sorry about that, had this checkout guy giving me hassle for something insignificant.' My sister's immediate immediate response was 'was he Asian?' ('Asian' in the UK is shorthand for Indian/Pakistani/'Brown')
Me: "Yeah."
Her: "That explains it then."
Me: "What do you mean?"
Her: "Indians are really rude. I'm not being racist, but almost all of them are."
Me: "... well not all, they're not, some may have some cultural differences, but I know plenty of nice ones."
Her: "Excuse me, but I've worked behind a counter for over a year, and the Asians are always the rude ones. I think I know."
Me: "Working behind a counter doesn't give you license to say racist things whenever you want."
Her: "I am *not* a racist! How dare you!"
She began shouting at me, really railing at me - she actually said 'some of my best friends are Asian' ... - and going on and on.
My mum tried to explain - to us both, I guess - that there are cultural differences, and possibly language problems, but she kept on shouting 'I don't care! He must apologise!'
Eventually, I did, just to shut her up, but she kept picking at it. (''Racist'. Honestly. Just because I say things based one what I've seen of people.')
Fuck up: I looked over and saw my mum in silent tears.
I immediately felt like a prick for having a go at my sister in front of her. I know what she can be like when she feels like she's being insulted - she's one of these 'I'm never wrong' people - so I don't know what I was expecting.
Got in, mum takes me aside and says, 'we can't even have a short journey in the car without you two at each other's throats.' I've not seen her since.
TLDR: Called my sister a racist. Sister freaks out. Mum cries because we don't get on.
sminalem: That's sad more than anything else.
SausageSlip: So sad I'm in silent tears like OP's mother.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1402494062 | 1402545219 | t3_27vio3 | t5_2to41 | 820 | DownFallSyndrome: TIFU by taking a shower with my sister's friend.
So last week my sister's friend (we will call her P) told me she had feelings for me and wanted to do certain things with me. P was rather tipsy and it was 2 in the morning. So I took it as her joking around (also I was sort of buzzed myself)
Last night I got home from work around midnight and headed straight to bed. As I got to the top of the stairs I see P asleep on the couch (she comes over a lot) so I try sneaking past her. Unfortunately I knock over a book and she wakes up for a few seconds and says I love you, and then dozes off to sleep again. Once again I blew it off, I was tired and wanted to go to bed.
Now comes this morning. I wake up at 6:50 and go to get ready for the morning. I get undressed, turn on the radio, and step into my shower. So I'm now in la la land just thinking about the day and what not when I hear the door open and close. I start to freak out so I move to the back of the shower. After 30 seconds or so P just appears in front of the shower door full on naked. I'm in shock, I have no idea what to say. She opens the door and steps in. Wraps her arms around me and just says "I wasn't kidding last week"
To clarify, I'm 21 and P is 19.
We ended up in the shower together for about 10 minutes. Our bodies awkwardly against each others. Me with a confused boner pressing into her stomach.
So you are asking, how is this not a win? Well I've been in a long distance relationship with a girl that I'm really in to. I haven't really told anyone about her besides my close friends and sister. I mean what do I do in this situation???
Edit: I have talked to both P and my LDR girl. We are currently in discussion over what will happen.
Edit 2: # I broke up with her, but I'm not going to date P either. I need time to think things over.
Edit 3: So I talked to P. I guess we are together now. I'm trusting you guys....
MrFiggie: uhm lock the door lol
DownFallSyndrome: It broke like 7 months ago :p
MrFiggie: Good on you for not giving in. All the comments here are very immature, but you made the right decision. I've been in your situation(not exactly the shower, but bedroom) and I made the mistake of sleeping with her. Alot of drama afterwards, not worth it.
dryj: not sure if showering with a girl can be in any way construed as not giving in
Psionx0: Showering with someone isn't sex. Otherwise, there would be a lot of sex going on in locker rooms.
dryj: sex isnt the only way to cheat
Psionx0: ... They are not married. There were no vows. Sorry, but sex is the only way to cheat in this situation. Seeing another person naked, showering with them, even cuddling is not cheating.
Jesus fucking Christ, what is it with people thinking you can only have intimacy with one person at a time. What a crock of shit.
"What do you mean on that long bike trail, you and your friend went skinny dipping because it was hot! HOW COULD YOU CHEAT ON ME!"
Ridiculous.
dryj: your relationships might be different, and thats totally cool! but i think for many people, most levels of intimacy are pretty well cheating. im not married to my girlfriend, but if she took a shower with another dudes dick against her, trying to kiss him, id call that cheating.
i mean - stretch of an example, but if you caught your girl blowing another dude, you wouldnt say "well, they didnt have sex", youd call it cheating, wouldnt you?
Psionx0: Your thought would be wrong.
Blowing another person is sex. Hence why it's called oral sex. Logic is your friend.
dryj: ok what if she wanked a guy, then. is that cheating? or is that like manual sex or something?
edit: dont be that guy, when people say sex, most of the time they mean piv. just correct me, dont be a twatt.
Psionx0: Yes, that's manual sex.
Making out != sex. Showering with someone (even with a hard on) !=sex. Sleeping the same bed and cuddling with someone !=sex.
The idea that you can emotionally cheat on someone is ridiculous. In fact, it's so ridiculous that nearly anything can be defined as emotionally cheating.
Went out with the guys for a beer instead of coming home for diner? Emotional Cheating.
Found yourself cuddling with a buddy during camping trip because it was cold?
Emotional Cheating
Took a shower at the gym, you happen to be bi, saw your buddy's hot ass, sprung a boner? Emotional Cheating
Looked at that hot guy/girl? Emotional Cheating
Playfully flirted with a friend? Emotional Cheating
At the end of the day, if there was no genital manipulation on either part chances are, it wasn't cheating.
dryj: ohhh buddy. ok thats fine that youre more open, but i dont know anyone that would be okay with their girl taking naked showers with people. its pretty inherently sexual. i think its silly to not realize that most people arent as open as you are.
also no one said anything about emotional cheating.
edit: would your girl really be okay with you taking naked showers with other girls?
Psionx0: >its pretty inherently sexual.
No it isn't. You may attach sexual meaning to it, but any rational human does not attach sex to everything that happens naked. Bathing is not inherently sexual. That's childish logic.
>i think its silly to not realize that most people arent as open as you are.
This isn't about being open. This is about being a mature adult.
Yes, my partners have been just fine with me taking showers with others, whether they be boys or girls. My partners, like most adults, understand that showering is not sexual just because it involves being naked.
dryj: so youre saying that you have showered naked, with other girls, while calling a different girl you girlfriend. and, upon learning of this, the one you call your girlfriend didnt mind at all?
follow up question if the answer is yes. did she ask about whether or not your hands were all over the shower friend? perhaps vagina is off limits, but not boobs? is there a list of rules, or is it just no fucking?
i ask, because i kind of doubt that this girlfriend exists, and if she does, ive never met any girl like that, or met anyone who knew a girl like that, so im trying to impress upon you the uniqueness of your girlfriend. clearly shes a keeper.
edit: apologies for gender assumption.
Psionx0: Oiy vey.
Yes, I've showered with other guys while having a guy I call my boyfriend not being present. And no, he didn't mind at all. He, like most mature adults understand that showers are meant to clean yourself, not to have sex in, even though sex can happen there.
Fucking was not allowed. Genital manipulation was not allowed. Never discussed just making out as even though the guys I was showering with would have enjoyed it, we were there to get clean, not have sex.
Further, your sample size for women must be fairly small. I've meet numerous women who wouldn't give one shit if their husband/wife were showering with someone else. Again, these women tend to be mature adults.
dryj: you are so convinced its a matter of maturity and not preference that youve said it like ten times, dude. step off the high horse, stop calling me immature for disagreeing with you. i honestly think youre kind of a slut for that, but im okay with it because people are different.
you cant afford me that same courtesy, though. its close minded to say that to mature is to agree more completely with you, as if you were the matured, perfected cask of wisdom.
i disagree with you, and at first i respected you for your opinion. now i cant, because you make no effort to understand differences of opinion.
edit: back to the topic of the post - the girl getting into the shower wanted to fuck him, said so, and kept trying to kiss him, so i dont think this interaction would fit into even your rules.
Psionx0: Opinions are like assholes, everyone has them. And your's stinks like a homeless guy's who hasn't had a shower in a few years.
Frankly, I don't care if you disrespect me. Your difference of opinion are childish, immature opinions that lack any basis in reality. The very idea that an action that is inherently meant to get you clean is inherently sexual is absurd.
And yes, it would. Unless OP was actually making out with her, he did nothing wrong. Quite trying to wiggle your way up his ass.
Finally, since the gloves are off and we are throwing out ad hominems (while pretending we aren't mind you): Your lack of logical thought, lack of appropriate grammar and capitalization, and your continual adherence to prudish, Victorian thoughts says much about you. I suggest you study up on human sexuality, and logic.
It's funny that you call me a slut for showering with my friends at the gym. Your a childish twat that has no clue what they are talking about.
Good day.
dryj: well i wish you all the best in your efforts to surround yourself with exclusively people that agree with 100% of your opinions.
Psionx0: Oh, they don't have to agree with me. But they must be mature and based in reality. Not in pretending that being naked is inherently sexual.
dryj: ok look, before we part ways in hatred, resentment, and self righteousness (me too, obviously), just try to understand any perspective but your own. where i live, showers are small and water is cheap. showering with another person is a decision to not do so alone, for some reason or another. its a decision that the confines of the shower, the lack of shower head access, and awkwardness of movement are somehow outweighed by the desire to have another human there with you. also inherent in that decision is the knowledge that youll be bumping bits start to finish.
imagine if it was a guy i was to shower with. i dont want to bump his bits, so i decline. imagine if its a stranger.. i decline because id rather have the shower to myself. if its a naked chick, however, my motivation comes from some sexual attraction, and some desire to touch her in some way. otherwise id just shower alone.
this is why i think naked showers are inherently sexual.
[deleted]: Dont bother. Either that person is a cheater trying to justify themselves or so inexperience in relationships their opinion is pretty much worthless.
Psionx0: Or, I'm a well educated, mature adult. Unlike two individuals in this thread I can think of.
dryj: thats an ironically childish comeback, though.
| 24 | 34.166667 | |
1402454419 | 1402521748 | t3_27ueon | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by writing down the wrong address on my penny board's shipping information..
this is my first penny board ever and i was so excited that i accidentally put down "1235" in the address where it should have been 1225.. it's the apartment block right next to ours, but i do hope they're kind souls who'd be reluctant to just take a seemingly random gift
Voyager5555: Have you called them to change the address?
[deleted]: i didn't bother because the order was processed so fast and it's in fedex's hands rn.. fortunately for me, i have a friend who lives in that apartment who just so happens to live right next to the person who's supposedly getting my board :b i spoke to him about it
| 3 | 1 | |
1402492268 | 1402498902 | t3_27vgd8 | t5_2to41 | 3 | iDontLifeSoGood: TIFU by taking modafinil before an exam.
FearLeadsToAnger: [Finally, an opportunity](http://amandaterasu.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/wall-slice-downvote.gif)
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/AcrobaticSlushyBumblebee](http://gfycat.com/AcrobaticSlushyBumblebee)
---
^(GIF size: 6.62 MiB) ^| ^(GFY size:849.54 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
FearLeadsToAnger: gfy_bot i'm sick of your shit
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1402495170 | 1402500466 | t3_27vk5c | t5_2to41 | 10 | popgoesthe_weasel: TIFU by waking my girlfriend up before work.
Batroc_Z_Leaper: Get her a coupon to the nail salon and all will be forgiven.
popgoesthe_weasel: Or I could just go get McDonald's
Batroc_Z_Leaper: Almost as good as an orgasm - if you're dead inside.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1402493282 | 1402582950 | t3_27vhof | t5_2to41 | 240 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting a boner in class. NSFWish
So it's the end of the academic year and we had a project to present, the project was meant to be over the course of 7 months. The planning and design should have covered me for the presentation, I had a script wrote with a few titles on a projector, however I tend to fuck up in these situations as I'm not a naturally born public speaker. I'm the kid at the back of the class shouting abuse to people. Anyhow here comes my turn, I start off pretty well showing the layout of the project and how long it took to do, what I'd done and what problems I'd overcome. I thought it was going well initially which it was but it was about to go horribly horribly wrong.
We get to the second stage, which is talking about my design and all I could think about for god knows what reason as the presentation was related to aircraft was pussy, now a teenager thinking about pussy, we all know what that leads to. I got a bloody hard on... Of all the times I could get one, the boner ninja decides now is your time. All I wanted to do was finish the presentation and hope no one notices. So I deviated off track for a little while blabbering on about bot all, hoping it would subside...It didn't. The whole class now erupts with laughter and I go beetroot red. Brilliant how can my day get any worse...
zeniiz: >I'm the kid at the back of the class shouting abuse to people.
>The whole class now erupts with laughter and I go beetroot red.
Sounds like karma.
Kyle_c00per: Why has no one else said this? OP is a fucking asshole and deserved this, and that had no reason to even be in the story besides the fact that he wanted to "look cool" on the internet. "Hey guys i'm an asshole to everyone and abuse people in front of the whole class for no reason, that's cool right? Right?!?" Fuck you OP.
british_grapher: May I jus say, our class - were all the same. We take the piss out of each other ect...
titsallovermyass: So ya'll are into water sports?
british_grapher: No chap, are you familiar with the British saying?
titsallovermyass: I'm just messin' mate.
| 7 | 34.285714 | |
1402503110 | 1402507681 | t3_27vwlp | t5_2to41 | 11 | Dinosoarman: Tifu by telling a friend's girlfriend she has no tits.
JeremySquirrel: 1. Post pic's of her to /r/tinytits;
2. Get upvotes;
3. Everybody = happy.
4. You're welcome.
Dinosoarman: I havent even seen the front side of her. :c
Voyager5555: wait, what?
Dinosoarman: I said it into her ear from behind.
Voyager5555: I'm still confused, you've never seen your GF from the front?
Dinosoarman: Ive never seen her face, is what i mean.
| 7 | 1.571429 | |
1402502726 | 1402504917 | t3_27vw10 | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU My neighbor's mom gave me oral sex and I'm afraid that he'll shoot me
Going into my junior year of high school, I started carpooling with my neighbor who was an asian kid two years younger than me. His mom was generous enough to drive me to and from school every day since my mom had to work. He was a strange kid, sort of socially retarded, but he had a decent personality and we got along pretty well.
His mom was in her early/mid forties at the time. She was a slim asian mom with her black hair going straight back to her shoulders. Her body was very fit and skinny for a woman her age, and she had a once beautiful face that was covered with copious amounts of makeup. All in all, she was a beautiful woman who was very opinionated, strong, and beautiful. She and her husband were separated but were not divorced, so she was living alone with her son.
Over the years I got to know her pretty well, even more so than her son. Despite her very strong exterior I eventually figured out that she was in fact insecure and struggling everyday to make ends meet. She would give me life lessons during our car rides home and I would debate with her about her very opinionated views on life. Around the time junior year ended I was comfortable in her presence and our discussions/debates soon turned into banter which soon led to flirting. Her son was in marching band so he had to stay afterschool often yet she drove me home faithfully every day, even by myself. He stayed afterschool very often: two or three times a week.
Being an impressionable and very horny 17 year old, whenever I flirted with her I got massive boners in the front seat of her car (her son wasn't there). I would jerk off as soon as I got home to images of her and memories of her perfume. I'd make excuses to call her and would jerk off to her voice, it was probably obvious but she just kept up the conversations even on the phone. She was always rather flirtatious and I began to be more bold in my compliments, which she did not refuse or reprimand me for my forwardness. For instance I would comment on her purse one day, to her bracelet the next, to how her new dress made her body look more "fit". I think she enjoyed my serenade of compliments, and my lust for her kept growing.
One day afterschool her son was at marching band practice, and she was driving me home by myself. We naturally assumed our roles in flirting/debate and by the time we reached home I was incredibly hard as usual under my stiff jeans. However, that day I realized I forgot my house keys which really pissed me off since I would have to wait for my mom to come home to get in the house. Seeing my frustration she asked me if I wanted to wait at her house until my mom got back. Teeming with lust and seeing a glimpse of opportunity, I acted like I reluctantly agreed to her proposal.
When we got in her home she poured me a glass of juice and we began chatting about life; she said she was tired and it was difficult raising her son, and I told her she was doing a great job and she looked like she was in her early 30's, tops. Apparently she was quite an accomplished pianist when she was young, but stopped playing after she got married. Interested, I asked her if I could play a song on her piano, so we moved over to her piano and sat down on the bench. It got comfortably awkward when I stopped playing, and I said kids these days don't like listening to classical music, that we like to listen to edm and dance. She asked how kids dance lately, and I told her all we do is grind. When she asked me what grinding was, I said that I would show her.
I told her to stand up and asked her to turn around. She seemed confused and asked why and I said that I would show her what grinding was. So she turned around and seemed curious, so I put one hand gently on her stomach and encouraged by the lack of response put one hand gently on her back. She asked what I was doing and I told her to hush and wait. After slightly pushing down on her back to put her at a 45 degree angle, I very slowly went behind her and extremely cautiously placed my crotch to gently touching her bony ass. She asked me "is this grinding?" and I said "It's not all of it". I slowly grabbed her hips with my hands and slowly began rubbing my crotch against her butt. I really want to emphasize how careful I was and how slowly I progressed each, single step. We were dead silent, and I continued the rubbing motion for a good minute, when I broke apart not knowing how to progress the situation. We stood up and looked at each other flushed, blushed and sort of stood there awkwardly in silence.
We moved back to her couch with her and sat down close to each other (her on the edge me on the middle seat). Both of us were red and laughing, and she said that grinding wasn't right for her. Her hand was slightly on my leg, her right hand slightly resting on my thigh. I looked at her hand for a while then looked at her face, and our eyes met. I felt her hand slightly pressure my thigh and move ever so slightly closer to my penis. So while looking into her eyes, I began to unbuckle my jeans very slowly and kept checking to see if she would begin freaking out. She didn't say anything or move her hand, and just stared at my crotch, so I kept slowly undressing and pulled down my pants to show my hot, steaming dick.
My dick was erect and just hanging out and my pants were drawn down to my knees. She looked at it for around five seconds, and seeing no resistance I grabbed her hand and put in on my dick. Her hand just lay there motionless, but soon sprang to life and started stroking me up and down. I began to moan and she kept stroking for a while. When I scootched back to get in a better position, she also moved her ass back a little and lowered her head towards my dick, put it in her mouth, and began to suck. I moaned like crazy and she was just sucking without saying anything or making a sound; it was literally the best feeling I've ever felt in my entire life. It wasn't like I asked her to but she just moved when I moved. In under five minutes I came inside her mouth which she held until my moans subsided.
She pulled her lips back, swallowed my load really quickly, wiped off her mouth, and looked Really REALLY shocked. After a split pause she said oh my god and grabbed her mouth and ran towards the bathroom. I was scared as fuck that I fucked up and quickly zipped my pants and got my backpack. When she came out of the bathroom I quickly told her I should go home and my mom would be back. She said that would be a good idea and ushered me to go home. I left her house and went to mine, and sat on my porch for around an hour before my mom got home. I was shaken up as hell, not really sure what happened, and felt as if I had committed a crime. I know I got a blowjob but I was sincerely afraid she would tell the kid and the kid or husband would kill me. So I didn't tell anyone and I met her tomorrow for school. When I met her I was surprised. She acted as if NOTHING had happened. Absolutely nothing. She flinched when she noticed my pause, but I quickly got the message and acted like nothing had happened as well. I felt that she was covering up my mistake so I was relieved that no one would know. It was really, really fucked up. She continued to give me rides until the end of junior year, and during senior year my mom quit her job and was able to give me rides to school. For the rest of the year I kept seeing the kid in the car, joyfully talking to his mom and me, and I acted like everything was normal, she did too. She tried her best to never be alone with me, and my personal rides home quickly found an end: she only gave me rides when her son was present.
Fucked up shit like this does happen, and it sickens me to think from that kid's perspective. She was a staunch Christian and morally respected in the Asian community. She was separated with her husband due to her husband's work, not because of infidelity, but I can't really know for sure can I? And if this is any worth I know it was fucked up and my hormones were insane, I was 17 and a virgin at that time. I don't want to get shot.
MrAlarming: Can you please pit A TL;DR
[deleted]: TL;DR Got a blowjob from friends mom, feels guilty.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1402505748 | 1402523814 | t3_27w107 | t5_2to41 | 16 | safeforworkreddit: TIFU by leaving my car doors unlocked.
I have had stuff stolen out of my car before so I learned not to leave anything of major value in there because I rather have the thief see there's is nothing in my car then deal with a broken window.
During my weekend (Monday and Tuesday) me and a co-worker decided to hang out and play some Super smash bros melee. This meant getting the needed equipment to play it. My sister had a Nintendo Wii that she didn't play much anymore so I borrowed that. Another good friend of mine had the game, Gamecube pads and cables needed to connect the Wii to the TV.
Had a really good time with my co-worker playing until 2 AM Tuesday morning. Got home to my apt complex and by force of habit left my door unlocked thinking that I would just grab everything out the next day after some much needed sleep. Forgot about it during the day and got into my car this morning to find almost everything missing..... The good news is they left my friends Gamecube pads. The bad news is now I'm looking for a cheap Wii to buy. I'm more mad at myself for forgetting and now sad that I left the copy of Melee in the Wii... That game is not easy to find.
TL:DR: Don't leave last gen game systems in the back of your car, they will get stolen still.
turtlesarerad14: you're a knucklehead
safeforworkreddit: This is true
turtlesarerad14: let me know if you need help looking for cheap stuff to buy to replace what was stolen -- I can look around the flea market and game stores if you'd like :)
Sorry that happened to you!
safeforworkreddit: Thank you! If you could be on the look out for a used copy of Melee for a good price (hopefully no more then 25$) that would be awesome. I have found a used Wii that I can give cables to my friend and the system back to my sister.
turtlesarerad14: okay! :)
| 6 | 2.666667 | |
1402506730 | 1402508977 | t3_27w2m8 | t5_2to41 | 15 | SpookyCakes: Tifu by being an hour late for work due to my alarm clock
I fell asleep around 9 pm last night and my alarm didn't waken me from my slumber. I was suppose to be at work around 7:30am and woke up around 8:20am. My boss told me not to come in, and now I have to work a double tomorrow. Any advice? How should I apologize? This is my dream job and I really don't want to lose it. Should I expect to get fired?
cessairlives: ... how short is your shift that he wants you to work a double tomorrow instead of just coming in an hour late?
Unless your boss is super unreasonable, or this is a common occurrence for you, then it shouldn't lose you your job. This isn't an uncommon thing. Even the most responsible of people sleep through an alarm or mis-set the alarm once in a while. I am both paranoid about being late AND extremely responsible, and I've still done it three or four times in my life.
The next time you talk to him, just tell him you're really sorry, explain that something went wrong with the alarm, and for extra bonus points, tell him what you plan to do to address it (get a louder alarm, set two alarms, etc.)
SpookyCakes: Im super paranoid to. Im never ever late, so I'm a little annoyed at myself. I work at a veterinary clinic and my shifts are around 6 to 7 hours. He called in another worker to cover my shift all day, so Im pulling a double for the other person tomorrow. I work two jobs and Im so exhausted all the time, hopefully he gives me a break.
AxholeRose: After reading this context, I think you'll be fine, as long as it's not a common occurrence. Just be honest to your boss the next day, and thank your colleague the next time you see him/her.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1402507090 | 1402509121 | t3_27w373 | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU having sex on campus
I met a beautiful girl on tinder. Absolutely stunning. Redhead, great butt, and a freshman at University of Washington. We had coffee, listened to my beats in the park, then I was off to work. I came back at about 11 and met her in red square. We went to a large field and got down to business at around 1. Only problem was, we were visible for about 200 yards. We couldnt go back to her place because of her roommates.
The faint sound of sprinklers was audible in the distance, so we were careful to find a place that was already wet, or void of sprinklers. After walking around for a good minute and getting sprayed a few times we settled on a place right outside of the engineering building under low hanging trees.
All of our clothes came off, and she was sexier than I expected. Flat stomach, small but perky breasts and oh my god that ass. It wasnt long before I had her pinned to the dirt. Some of the sexiest expressions ive seen on on a woman, and she gives great head.
Right after I came, our biggest fear manifested into reality. Water everywhere. My socks got soaked trying to get everything gathered; all of our clothes were on the ground. What was before damp became muddy. A nerdy guy walked by and snickered at our dirty, soaking half naked obviousness.
a_mex_t-rex: /r/todayiwon
sexytokeburgerz: "You should post this to /r/tifu" - /u/justanotherlondoner
a_mex_t-rex: Man fuck that guy. You won dude. Period
sexytokeburgerz: I feel so manipulated.
In his defense, we were soaked in 50 degree (f) weather
a_mex_t-rex: Make it up to her. Get some drinks, a hotel room, a good attitude and get ready to destroy that ass.
| 6 | 3.833333 | |
1402503135 | 1402522483 | t3_27vwn6 | t5_2to41 | 16 | mangoagogoa: TIFU by betting on my golf skills
I play in an ongoing weekly golf tournament with my company. Today I had the pleasure of playing with one of the owners, notorious for making wagers and penalizing the loser with shots of whiskey. Being the only female who plays, I do my best to keep up with all male pack.
On hole 6 anyone who did not get their drive on the fairway owed a single shot - I took my swing and nailed it right down the middle. I was safe.
Hole 7 - the bet was called again, my tee shot went straight into the water. 1 shot penalty for not being on the fairway and 1 more for losing my ball to a water hazard.
Hole 9- to finish, bet was called again, sunk my tee shot AGAIN into a water hazard. I blame nerves.
Fast forward to the office about 2 hours later and I get called in to the owners office - "Take your penalty!" they say. 4 shots down and I loudly (albeit buzzed) lament "I hope my manager isn't here today! cause i would be all like haaayyyyyy" (he typically works from home) as I wobble back to my desk.
5 mins later a co-worker comes in and informs me my manager was sitting in his office next door the whole time.
Fuck.
mythrowawayresponse: now execute operation: "be all like haaayyyyyy" and let us know the results! In all likelihood you should be totally fine. If the manager has a problem he can speak to the owner... unless the owner didn't know you worked there... then that would suck.
mangoagogoa: haha the owner knows i work here
mythrowawayresponse: you should be good then - let us know how it goes!
| 4 | 4 | |
1402508991 | 1402547194 | t3_27w6gs | t5_2to41 | 12 | afkoshlia: TIFU by spilling chemicals on my crotch
I am in a chemistry class and as part of the assignment we were doing today we were handling chemicals. Low level acids and flammable materials.
I managed to spill a low level acid on my crotch. While it didn't necessarily reach my dick, I did real a severe burning on it. I had to strip down and go into the shower to clear myself off in front of the entire class and had to scream in agony as the shower nearly burned off my dick.
I have learned a lesson here..
KleptomaniKat: Today has had to been the worst day in my life! I woke up this morning after having a wet dream in a dorm room full of girls. If that wasn't enough, when i was texting my friend while trying to pee, I pissed ONLY in my boxers while grabbing breakfast at a Dunkin' Donuts, so now I'm going commando at school. In my first class I had to present my project, seven months in the making, to the entire class. While presenting, I got the worst boner and got laughed out of class. In my next class, we had quite a bit of free time, so me and my mate decided to catch up on GOT, and while watching, the professor comes up behind us right as the sex scene begins, and now I just spilled caustic chemicals all over my crotch and had to be washed down naked in front of my whole class while screaming in pain. At least I can be alone with my gf at her grandparents house after I spray my lawn with weed poison.
tishstars: The kaiser soze of /r/tifu
| 3 | 4 | |
1402507440 | 1402509949 | t3_27w3rr | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by claiming insurance based on a nonexistent business
Didn't fuck up today, but realized it today.
Some backstory: I started my own business in September, and it involves *lots* of mailing orders out to customers. To get a discount for postage, you can apply for something called a VentureOne card in Canada, and you get some relatively big discounts (expedited at the same or cheaper cost than regular parcel). When I applied for this card, I stated my business name as my *potential* business name, it wasn't final. I never ended up using that business name and instead went with something else.
I've had great luck up until last month when three packages were lost in the mail. One 30$, one 80$, one 60$. All of them insured so no biggie, just claim insurance, right? I did just that, and received my first claim cheque in the mail today. The problem? It's a cheque in the name of the business I applied for the card with, not my actual business name. No business account tied to this name, so I have a cheque I can't deposit anywhere. The other two cheques will likely be the same.
It can be resolved, but I'm looking at 30+ days to get a new cheque reissued. Could have used the money, too.
**TL;DR: claimed insurance on lost packages with a business name that doesn't exist; can't deposit cheques anywhere.**
buildmeupbreakmedown: Well, as far as fuckups go, at least this was a small one. Unless you need the money urgently or there are legal repercussions.
setzRFD: No legal repercussions, I'm going to have them reissue the cheque to my business name proper so I can then deposit them in my business account. A small fuck up, yes, but nearly 200$ is nothing to scoff at. :(
buildmeupbreakmedown: But you're still getting the full amount, right?
setzRFD: Of course.
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1402510447 | 1402550805 | t3_27w90d | t5_2to41 | 3,555 | throwaway75638: TIFU by not hiding the key to our bedroom (NSFW)
yugats: His erection likely had nothing to do with what you were doing. Boys that age often get an erection and don't know what to do with it. When he touches it, it feels weird, so he keeps messing with it. It's nothing sexual. That is probably why he couldn't sleep.
kuiper0x2: No No No- You are all wrong. Some boys touch their penis when they are nervous or anxious. He could probably tell that something was wrong when he barged in on you guys and reflexively touched himself. It's a common developmental thing.
EmEffBee: "penis plucking"..that's what we called it in our household.
Sealhunter991: That's awful.
andsoitgoes42: And why I'm glad I have girls.
[deleted]: I'm constantly yelling at my daughters to put their legs down and get their fingers out of their vaginas. At least penises aren't wet and you can't shove crayons up them (when you're a kid, anyway).
andsoitgoes42:
>and you can't shove crayons up them (when you're a kid, anyway).
ಠ_ಠ
I've had the "LOOK ITS A VAGINA!" From them both, but it's always been an easier sell than baby boners for me. Maybe it's because I'm a guy? I've just had fun laughing it off, knowing that they're just curious.
But I've also not had the crayons up the hoo-ha, so maybe I've just not experienced it in such a traumatic way?
[deleted]: I don't know. I'm sure it doesn't help that they're naked most of the time, but it's not uncommon to see them spread eagle and knuckle-deep. It makes me want to puke every time. Last time my mother in law was here one of them stripped naked except for a tutu, then pulled it up to her nipples and started slapping her crotch. I really just don't know.
andsoitgoes42: I just... I can't. I just.
I'm so, so sorry.
I want to say more, but I'm at a loss after "knuckle deep".
I send you parental feels, and can tell you that you're likely going to have some amazingly hilarious and awesome kids. Do you happen to have twins, too?
[deleted]: Yes, I do. Twin girls who are potty training and therefore almost always naked. We can't really invite people over until they get the hang of the underwear thing.
andsoitgoes42: I think this must be a twin thing, so you're not alone.
No, I haven't dealt with the crayons or them... Exploring in depth, but as they're getting older, their modest extends only to other people seeing them nekkid. Otherwise, they're more than content to saunter around, completely comfortable in their nudity.
They, thankfully, do not have the desire to explore each other's private parts, but that only stopped a few years ago.
I'm just glad to know my twins aren't alone in their goofiness and... Lack of modesty.
[deleted]: They're only 2 1/2 so they honestly couldn't give a shit who sees them naked. We're a very...open household so they haven't really had a chance to learn modesty or privacy, so that probably has a lot to do with it. That sounds incredibly creepy when I type it out, I promise it's not.
| 13 | 273.461538 | |
1402511106 | 1402577915 | t3_27wa6f | t5_2to41 | 839 | gustle: TIFU by mistaking someone for my girlfriend.
This happened earlier today and is pretty much the most embarrassing thing that has happened to me in years. To set the scene, it is early in the morning and my girlfriend and I decide we want to go get a cup of coffee from Einstein Bagels because we are poor right now and didn't have enough money to get a full bagel breakfast.
As we get in the door I realize that I need to use the restroom and quickly break away from my girlfriend as she gets into line for her coffee. After freshening up I exit the bathroom and spy my girlfriend sitting at the bar that faces out onto the street, and lo she has a god damned bagel sitting on a plate, piled high with lox and fresh onions.
An inside joke that my girlfriend and I like is to say "hey you fuckup!" to one another in the hammiest jersey accent we can manage, so of course I sneak right up close and while placing one hand next to her bagel and draping the other across her shoulder say in the best accent I can manage "Hey you fuckup!" As her head turns I know I have made a terrible mistake, this is not my girlfriend but some poor terrified Korean exchange student! She looks at me in confusion mixed with terror as I stammer out repeated apologies and then quickly beat my retreat outside where I find my girlfriend waiting for me wondering what the hell had just happened.
mausii: you fuckup
gustle: Thanks babe...
DustyCikbut: /u/mausii is your girlfriend?
Reddit couples always interest me.
Seattlesleepless: Me too. Do you just randomly browse reddit and run into your SO? Is it kinda like walking on the street then running into your SO? 'Oh hey... What are you doing here??' 'Nothing'
Or do they talk about it? 'Hey I made a post in /TIFU' ' cool, I'll go read it later?' Or what?
gustle: I may have told her I was posting the thread, but the comment is all her :(
5unbr0: So how many throwaways have you made so far?
gustle: Well my porn one...
GoingPole2Pole: Her GW one...
gustle: haha still looking for that one.
| 10 | 83.9 | |
1402511115 | 1402526321 | t3_27wa6u | t5_2to41 | 31 | ohgeorgee: TIFU by busting my gf's grandparents' toiletseat cover with the power of love.
Through complicated circumstances we were the only ones left in the house. I convinced her to have sex even though she had her doubts. The toilet seat cover didn't agree with my idea. Still waiting for the grandparents to come back. Wish me luck with the explaining.
mythrowawayresponse: just say you tried to stand on it to get a spider climbing on the wall... problem solved.
ohgeorgee: Shit, that's clever.. Should have seen your reply. I ender up saying something stupid like i slipped and slammed it.
| 3 | 10.333333 |
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