start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1402515113 | 1402543306 | t3_27wh1q | t5_2to41 | 33 | tifu_alt: TIFU by texting on the commode.
This happened five minutes ago.
So, I'm sitting in the Dunkin Donuts right now, and a few minutes ago I noticed I had to use the restroom. So, I go into the bathroom and drop trou, and sit on the toilet, and do my business while texting a friend back because why not? In my peripheral vision I notice what appears to be a very localized rain shower on the floor. I flick my eyes up and see nothing in particular, so I lean forward a bit and then notice an expanding puddle at the bottom of the toilet. Apparently my lean angle was at first perfect so that I was pissing directly over my pants onto the floor, while then leaning forward and pissing between the seat and the commode itself to make the floor puddle, and finally noticed that in the interim, I had pissed directly into my underwear. Being the good citizen I am, I used half the roll of toilet paper to clean up the puddle and threw my underwear into the trash. So now I'm freeballing in a Dunkin Donuts. Somehow I completely avoided pissing my actual shorts at least.
[deleted]: "So now I'm freeballing in a Dunkin Donuts."
I did not expect to hear those eight words in that combination today.
churrobro: What did you expect? Something like "Dunkin' freeballing a now Donuts I'm so in"?
[deleted]: Actually, yeah. That's exactly what I expected.
| 4 | 8.25 | |
1402514964 | 1402522537 | t3_27wgs5 | t5_2to41 | 7 | PM_ME_YOUR_BOOBIES-: TIFU by receiving titpics..
So this happened over the past couple of days but TIFU anyway..
Basically my best friends girlfriend sent me a couple of titpics on Saturday and Sunday nights, and then another few Yesterday, I admit that yes I did ask for them I didnt really mean it and I wasn't expecting any, yesterday we both admitted we might end up developing real feelings for eachother if we keep talking regularly and I'm just wondering what to do..do I tell my friend? Do I leave it alone? Or do I bone her and see what happens?
[deleted]: does your best friend know she sends titpics around? how would you feel if she does that after dating you? If you REALLY like her and think its just casual between them. tell him you want her for yourself, but only if he is willing to step down. otherwise warn him she is doing that and maybe nail her on the side if your into that.
PM_ME_YOUR_BOOBIES-: She doesn't send them around as far as I know, and the thing is they've been going out for a year..my friend has been a bit of a dick to her recently so I think it might have been a bit of a rebound situation. Both me and her agreed that nothing would happen whilst they were together though.
[deleted]: I can understand that. so you have 3 choices
1-talk to you friend and say you want her from him (wont go over well unless he doesn't care about her anymore, or he may get jealous and try to keep her just because you want her)
2-stay friendly with her and see if he breaks up with her, then go out with her (could take a while, keep dating other girls still)
3-come clean with your friend about the pics. (not recommended, he will be pissed she will be pissed, everyone loses. theres being honest and theres being a dick. just don't lie if he directly asks you if something happened)
I would recommend number 2. no one is hurt, and means you have an opportunity on the horizon.
*bonus #4 option- try and get them in a 3 way lol
PM_ME_YOUR_BOOBIES-: Actually she suggested a Three way... Its a possibility but I think I'll go with option two for the moment
[deleted]: haha well if shes mentioned it already id look into that of I was you. but depends on if your friendships are strong and can do that for fun without letting it get complicated.
PM_ME_YOUR_BOOBIES-: Thanks for the advice bro
| 7 | 1 | |
1402515134 | 1402540324 | t3_27wh38 | t5_2to41 | 3 | instantaneous_regret: TIFU by trying to cancel my Xbox live
This really happened today, because I'm dumb and didn't learn from my friends mistakes. Not so much of a fuckup as it was a massive pain in the ass for what should have been a simple process.
Got a prepaid 12 mo card for live, wanted to cancel the auto renew of my monthly subscription because- fuck them, why would I need both?
So I go on the site, carefully navigate the minefield that is the faq to make sure I do it right (even though really- how hard could it be?)
Find the right section, open a new tab and start following the instructions- easy peasy super-sleezy right?
Wrong. So wrong. Get to the end of the process and hit confirm- CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR PURCHASE OF A MONTHLY AUTO-RENEWING XBOX LIVE SUBSCRIPTION YA DOPE! We sure fooled you!
While I'm counting to ten and trying to tell myself that didn't just happen, an Email notification pops up on my phone confirming just cause for a long, loud, nonsensical string of obscenities.
My big brother who just went to bed joins me in the living room- is a programmer from a prestigious college and spent a few years in tech support, I'm usually good with this stuff but microsoft is like an obsessed girlfriend who doesn't let you go easy. Or at all. In fact I've got at least three or four buddies who've complained of the same thing happening to them over the past couple of years (YEARS DAMMIT!), so I should have known better. (see above statement about Microsoft's clingy nature)
Brother to the rescue! He goes through it and gets through a different set of screens this time, (a ray of hope!)
-Email confirmation pops up of another subscription purchase, ray of hope is actually Microsoft giving us a golden shower, both of us start cursing. Now It's a pride thing for him at this point so he keeps trying to make it work, you know how it is.
After another half hour he hands my phone back to me, defeated- a hollow shell of the man he once was, bested by the enemy.
Mandatory "thanks for taking the time and trying"- I figure I'm pissed but it's no problem- it's $20, possibly a recurring $30 at the end of the month, but I'll just call tech support and lose my shit that it's been like this for years and they need to fix it. And give me back my money. Now.
Find tech supports' number- closed. Their hours of operation ended LITTERALLY one minute before. Proceed to lose my shit.
Decide to put on my big girl panties and just call them when I get up, I'll be more pleasant then anyways.
Called about an hour ago (weird work schedule) got a sweet lady who was professional and efficient, refunded my money(turns out it only charged me once, which is cool), told me to call back once I recieve the refund so they can remove my card info to avoid any further complications, and that she would talk to the appropriate persons about the ongoing issue to see about getting it fixed.
So now it's settled, but I still feel pretty stupid. Learn from my mistake.
TL:DR to cancel an auto renewing live subscription you have to call tech support, the idea of self service is a lie.
Jdearl1: You just reminded me that I needed to cancel mine because I no longer have an XBOX. I didn't see what was so hard about it. Once I was able to remember my password, the whole process took me about 5 minutes and I was done.
instantaneous_regret: I would double check... a couple of my friends thought they succeeded but their card info was still on file sooo... they made angry phone calls when their banks over drafted the next month. (We were all broke asses working retail at min. Wage back then)
Jdearl1: Right after I unsubscribed, I removed my cc information. So even if it tries to renew there is no card attached to it.
instantaneous_regret: Well played sir. Well played.
| 5 | 0.6 | |
1402518061 | 1402519655 | t3_27wm40 | t5_2to41 | 64 | Throwawayjune11: TiFU by masturbating near a window
I dont know why, I don't get off on it it was just where I ended up. Anyway I got bored and stopped and when I went outside after I heard my neighbour yelling to me. I couldn't hear at first so i kept yelling back "what?" And then I heard her say "caught you. You know what I am talking about. Caught you"
And now I'm sure she thinks I'm a perv when it honestly wasn't like that
What do I do?
EDIT: shes sitting outside watching her daughter skateboard. My parents will be home soon and she'll be right next to them
EDIT TWO: Mom just got home with sister. Woman has been inside since last update. Hopefully this works out
EDIT THREE: dad is not home yet but the neighbour has made no moved to tell my mom
Psionx0: How old are you?
Throwawayjune11: 16 I live with my parents
DustyCikbut: Blow her off.
People masturbate all the time. She's the perv for looking.
Edit: pun was not intended....
Throwawayjune11: I guess I'm just worried she'll tell my parents-- not a conversation I want to have. Or she'll spread it around and make me sound creepy
DustyCikbut: Yeah that talk is never fun with your parents but seriously, most guys whack one of on a normal basis. If she spreads rumors say you are really embarrassed and don't want to talk about it because she was staring at you the whole time. Turn the tables.
Throwawayjune11: Man i'll try. Hopefully she doesnt say anything at all.
DustyCikbut: That's the best case scenario.
Good luck bro.
And don't let this scar you sexually. Everyone gets caught a couple times.
| 8 | 8 | |
1402513003 | 1402566063 | t3_27wdda | t5_2to41 | 89 | Scr0tieMcBoogerballs: TIFU by presenting my balls to my uncle.
That happend last year.
My moms brother comes to visit every two years from Serbia and stays here for about one month. I like him, but I hate the fact, that I have absolutely no privacy for one month, because he just sits there and watches TV... I often forget that he's here, so it's not uncommon, that he catches me doing something weird like beatboxing in the shower/toilet or running around the apartment like I was gollum or something like that, kinda like the guy, who got caught by his roommate's girlfriend doing strange noises and going up the stairs on all fours...
So anyway, one day I had really itchy balls, I don't know why, it just happend somehow and I scratched them every 5 minutes and it got worse and worse.
In the afternoon I was looking for my phone charger and I decided to look for it in the living room, when suddenly this really painful and stinging itch occurred, so while I was heading towards the living room, I just pulled down my pants and started scratching them really hard. When I opened the door, I saw him sitting there watching the movie 300, I quickly pulled them up but I know he saw it, I guess it looked like I was masturbating, because I moved my hand up and down really fast.
He said "Hey, uhhh, I'm watching 300 over here, do you need anything?" or something like that, I can't exactly remember.
I responded "Just looking for my phone charger..." and quickly left the room. Luckily he returned to Serbia two days later and that was the last time he was here, but he will come back, I hope he forgot it...
TL;DR: I scratched my balls while entering a room and now my uncle thinks I masturbate while running around the house.
PS: The whole conversation happend in Serbian, so these are not the exact words, and sorry if there are some mistakes. I'm sure you guessed it: Serbian is my first language.
Acupolyst: Beatboxing in the toilet? Cool.
Scr0tieMcBoogerballs: I have the feeling that toilet is the wrong word...
TeamPlayerTof: /u/acupolyst knows that you mean you were in the restroom when you were beatboxing. Toilet is the right word, but your sentence could also mean that your head was inside the toilet bowl while you were beatboxing.
MyCreatedAccount: In the states toilet would be taken literal, but in the UK a public restroom/bathroom would called "the toilets". So it may be a regional thing.
| 5 | 17.8 | |
1402515801 | 1402593867 | t3_27wi9e | t5_2to41 | 18 | DJCocoLoco: TIFU by thinking I could drunkingly ride my bike through road construction and crashed straight onto my face.
This actually happened last Saturday night, but I had drank a lot of beer and of course being the smart person I am (or thought so) I figured I would just plan on biking home as to not drive drunk. I was one block away from my house and there is road construction going on on my road so my drunken self thought I could somehow ride through it. As soon as I hit the gravel and dirt, I went straight over the handlebars and skidded directly on my face. I laid there for about a minute while the pain set it, got up and grabbed my bike, and walked the last block home. My lip bled for about 15 minutes after that while I kept trying to clean it up. After it stopped bleeding, I passed out drunk in bed only to wake up to the extreme pain the next morning of not being able to open my mouth without my lip cut feeling as if it was tearing open. It was a very bad pain to say the least.
Link to Image:http://imgur.com/H5QORVX
Silverlight42: In many places you can actually get a DUI for driving a bike. (Like california I think)
Just so you know.
DJCocoLoco: I actually know a cop in my town (which is small) and he said you cannot get one here since it does not have a motor. I do live in a small town in illinois though
| 3 | 6 | |
1402522102 | 1402547086 | t3_27wt4u | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by urinating in the sink
Yes, in fact you can get shocked by using water in your house: http://www.snopes.com/science/lightningbath.asp
(Same concept). The urine stream is rich with minerals making it a perfect conductor of electricity. If you are referencing MythBusters, consider distance and electrical source. I was at an incredibly short distance allowing for the urine to maintain a relatively stable and cohesive path. Maybe *you* should do some research before spouting off like an electrified sink (hah). And are you really commenting on the angles in this story? How in the hell would you know? Have you ever been in my damn bathroom?
Nowhere_Man_Forever: Wasn't there a mythbusters where they showed that electricity going up your piss stream into your schwans was pretty unlikely
WagonDredgeHead: I believe so, it was about the myth of urinating onto electrified rail lines. It didn't work mainly due to the length the urine had to travel and how it would disperse the further away it was from the point of origin. Here the distance from the golden stream to the running tap water is significantly shorter. He may have also been resting his balls on the sink as well.
johnnywacko: No. The reason it failed was your piss is droplets and not a continuous stream. Remember the high speed?!?
WayeeCool: Yeah I know from experience, living in a rural area where there are electric fences for cattle. Ever little boy has someone pull a certain prank of them in the field. Some asshole tells you to piss on the smooth wire (which is electrified). Sometimes you get zapped, especially if you are lucky enough to be standing in water.
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1402521447 | 1402579353 | t3_27ws2v | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: [NSFW] TIFU by scarring a little kid's life
Well, it just happened not even 10 minutes ago. Probably more than that if this post comes out long enough.
The little kid in question is my girlfriend's (19 years of age) little brother (14 years of age). I'm about to tell you a story of how I most likely screwed up a child for the rest of his life. Or at least scared him and showed him something he didn't want to see.
So I'm at my girlfriend's house, and for those in relationships, or at least some...or none (weirdos), know that there is one person who pops the others zits. Well, she wanted me to pop a zit on her back. She takes off her shirt and bra, getting ready for work while I pop this thing. Next thing you know, she grabs me by the head. One thing leads to another and we are going to town. She's ripping my clothes off, and I'm ripping hers off. We're doing the deed. Going ham. It's amazing.
Well it was taking awhile. For some reason, I haven't been able to cum for the past few weeks. She's been able to jack me off, but this time we were wanting to make me cum by thrusting, which I haven't been able to cum by doing. And she wanted it bad.
In fact, it took so long, her brother finishes up the Adams family movie in the living room.
And, like any 14 year old kid would, he was wondering where the hell were we. He knocked. I was close to thrusting it out, but we ran everywhere. Girlfriend runs into the closet and I'm pulling my pants up and putting my shirt on. He opens the door and sees me struggling like a bitch to get my pants on (men with lady hips, you know the feel). I'm straight up shirtless and he just stares at me wide eyed.
Well, we did what any couple would: Lied our asses off and rejected the truth at all times. I quickly pulled the stupidest lie out of my ass and told him the shirt I just wore was a new shirt, was small instead of medium, and had a graphic on the shirt that was already there. He said yeah, OK, whatever. I knew he knew. Like he didn't want to register that I banged his sis harder than you would bang on a bop-it in the 90's.
My girlfriend begins to tell him that she dumped water on me from the fish tank, so I had to switch to my new shirt.
He didn't believe any of it. We knew, he knew, we probably destroyed him. He's taking it pretty well right now, playing call of duty and talking to me as I write this on my phone.
Still though. Poor kid.
tl;dr - Banged my girlfriend, and her bro came in the room while I was putting pants back on. We made stupid lies.
KaamBraam: 'I banged his sis harder than you would bang on a bop-it in the 90's.'
LOL.
league_of_bellends: Make this a tldr and op is going places
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1402519916 | 1402526295 | t3_27wpc7 | t5_2to41 | 3 | matchbox2323: TIFU by commenting on something - Internet Comments
DustyCikbut: Not being mean but this is TIFU
Go soapbox elsewhere.
matchbox2323: thank you for proving my point
DustyCikbut: This subreddit is not the place to prove your points about fucked up internet trolls. This isn't even slightly a fuck up.
matchbox2323: does it really concern you THAT much. I thought it was because I fucked up by commenting. Geeze... Reddit entertainment is not worth the jerks who lurk here
DustyCikbut: By browsing the internet you open yourself up to trolls. Don't take it personally when someone disagrees with you. There's always someone who will. But you open yourself up to criticism by misusing the internet. Especially here. Take a sec to find the proper subreddit. Google is a click away.
And if you think I'm being mean, you're in for a royally bad time.
matchbox2323: No, I'm sorry Victim blaming is not the answer. Why should negative behavior just be "expected". That's a sad, sad, world. I choose to live by example but by no means accept rude and immature behavior from others.
Yes, maybe I had the wrong Sub Reddit. But EXCUSE me. There's plenty of better ways to point that out like the comment Applebomb511 made. THAT'S how you talk to someone.
DustyCikbut: Well, please accept my apology. I mean that with no sarcasm attached. It's always hard to convey your point with just text. I never meant to be rude.
| 8 | 0.375 | |
1402522832 | 1402547895 | t3_27wud4 | t5_2to41 | 29 | BukkakeTsunami: TIFU by contracting Dorito Herpes
I had to visit a new client today that was having problems with their phone system. It was a relatively simple issue but I still wasn't sure if i was going to have time for lunch so I grabbed a bag of Dorito's to eat in the car.
I noticed, when i got there, people were giving me funny looks. I'd just assumed it was just because I was new to the account. That is until I got back to the office and realized a crumb of the dorito's chip had not only been stuck to the corner of my mouth, but also left a thick red Doritos residue that significantly resembled herpes.
Needless to say, I will not be going back to that client.
TLDR - Wash hands *and mouth* after eating Doritos
tishstars: This reminds me of that disgusting story of the mental patient who dipped a dorito in her... Discharge, ugh
iamthedigitalcheese: Story time!
tishstars: Believe me when I say that this is one story you don't want to hear. If you're still feeling like committing mental suicide I'll find it
iamthedigitalcheese: Much obliged sir/madame.
tishstars: Well, I warned ya!
"This actually happened to a lady who is a close family friend.
At one point, she worked at a convalescent home; not just for old people either. It was for folks who were a little nuts and couldn't take care of themselves. One lady there has this disorder. She thinks EVERYTHING is food, as in she'd eat her dinner and then start trying to eat the napkins. As you can guess, she ended up morbidly obese. She was too fat for the showers, so they had to take her out back and hose her down like an elephant. Since she was so fat, she had a lot of rolls, and they couldn't get everywhere. Now, one day the family friend is making her rounds of the complex, and was stopped by this dude in a wheelchair. He mumbles something at her. "Bitch stole my Doritos..." "What?" "That fat lady stole my Doritos and SHE WON'T GIVE 'EM BACK!" "Okay, okay, calm down. I'll get your chips back for you." She goes into the fat lady's room. She's in their with the chips and nothing else. Buck naked, with her legs spread. There's this thick almost gelatinous discharge in the fat lady's vagina. And she's dipping the chips. And eating it. With that cheese drip on pizza stretch effect. She apparently had this big smile as it dripped down her chin."
| 6 | 4.833333 | |
1402523106 | 1402531857 | t3_27wutv | t5_2to41 | 7 | TheUnofficial98: TIFU by freezing my drink too long
So I fucked up, again... This happened just a few minutes ago and wasn't too bad, but it was pretty funny.
So today, my brother and I are watching my grandma's dogs. It's not very hard, so we've mostly been playing our PS3. I was thirsty, so I put in a bottle of this Lemon Lime carbonated water i love to drink in the freezer.
So at around 3:30, we decide to let the dogs out before they ate. We play basketball for about 30 min, all the while, forgetting i have left the drink in the freezer for about 4 hours.
So, we let the dogs in and I'm sweating like crazy. I remember the drink in the freezer, so I go to open that sucker up. It looks frozen solid,and my dumb self opens it up. when the cap comes off, BOOM! Slushy water explodes everywhere. The dogs go to lick up what's on the floor, while I'm processing what just happened. I forgot you can't freeze unopened carbonated drinks, and proceeded to laugh at my stupidity while I cleaned up the mess.
Right now, my brother and I are relaxing with the dogs.Next time, I think I'll be more cautious when trying to freeze my drinks.
TL;DR: Froze drink too long, exploded in my face
HopelessSemantic: For future reference, if you ever put a full drink in the freezer and leave it to long, you can thaw it by running it under cold tap water for a while. It works best if you put it in a large bowl filled with water and have the tap on just enough that it keeps the bowl steadily overflowing into the sink. Then you just open the bottle slowly and you're fine.
TheUnofficial98: I'll keep that in mind next time. Thanks
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1402527689 | 1402528415 | t3_27x07f | t5_2to41 | 3 | oderint-dum-metuant: Lol you're good. Lucky too my mom would have beat the brown out of me for smoking in her house, shit she still would!
[deleted]: Mine found my stash twice. Mostly because I was too lazy to put it away the right way. The first time I was able to tell a story. Not so lucky the second time! LOL
oderint-dum-metuant: Yeah the first time it is always your 'friends' stash, after that she knows it is yours lol
| 3 | 1 | |
1402521153 | 1402539353 | t3_27wrj6 | t5_2to41 | 2 | Bayzn: TIFU by salvaging a Tasker and Theo
Was playing D3 in the wee hours of the morning and had joined my friend in a rift game, in order to move it from stash to inventory. I remember specifically placing it in a conspicuous place on the side so I'd notice (it had dropped on an earlier run, but not knowing how good it was I placed in my inventory for later.)
Friend and I start a rift and I start collecting items (including a couple trash legs).
TP back to sell, start salvaging willy nilly. Everything in my inventory gets salvaged.
Later my friend happens to bring up T&T and how it'd be awesome for my build.
.................
10min_no_rush: Sorry man, that hurts :(
Bayzn: Just checked at home, every character. It happened. sho shad :(
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1402525167 | 1402610614 | t3_27wy5m | t5_2to41 | 91 | HotPantsMax: TIFU by farting in someone's face.
I work at a pet store. During the weekdays it gets pretty slow when it's early. During that time I'm usually scrubbing some tanks that are a little high up. To get to them and do the cleaning, I get up on a set of steps a couple feet high. I've been getting over a bad case of food poisoning, so my stomach has been a little off. I felt a bit of an "attack" coming about. I figured as long as no one was around, it probably wouldn't be so bad. I took a look around to make sure it empty. Turned back to continue the cleaning. In the 5sec of turning around, a customer came around the corner from an isle and walked up to me. At the exact moment she said excuse me, I let it rip while still thinking I was all alone. It was also a lot noisier than I was expecting. As I was turning around, I was really hoping to find that no one was there and that my fart just happened to sound like the words excuse me. But no, it was a person with a mouth full of my fart. Needless to say, it was an awkward conversation.
ozzie_gold_dog: As someone who works in retail I couldn't even imagine how awkward that conversation was.
ZachMartin: As someone who doesn't work in retail I couldn't even imagine how awkward that conversation was.
Does the "working in retail" give you extra powers of empathy to mouth farters?
ozzie_gold_dog: Think of it this way: Its a conversation you definitely don't want to have with your manager if the customer complains.
| 4 | 22.75 | |
1402529612 | 1402575331 | t3_27x4ym | t5_2to41 | 82 | HavocReeker: TIFU by accidentally hanging myself
(this was yesterday, so yes i did survive) I was in my walk-in closet and was trying to hang up a coat on this hook hanging from the ceiling but it was just a little too high. So me, being such a genius, decided to get some twine, tie one end to the hook and the other end to the coat.
So I walk into my kitchen and get a chair and some twine. And there i am, Stepping on my tippy toes on this rickety old wooden chair, when suddenly out of no where I get a violent case of the hiccups, so I finish tying one end of the twine to the hook and I stop for a second to stretch my neck and try to rid myself of the hiccups. But as I press my heels back on the chair, I stupidly lay the twine around my shoulders and near my neck.
So I'm doing some hiccup curing technics (plugging up my ears and nose, and holding my breath while swallowing, etc.) when suddenly I feel this strong, violent, hell of a hiccup coming. I try to get off the chair, but I forgot that I had the twine still around my shoulders, so I jump off the chair while at the same time let go of the biggest hiccup of my life, and while in midair I feel the twine tighten around my neck, but very quickly i manage to put my hands up against my neck so that the rope doesn't squeeze to much. So there I am, dangling over the musty carpet of my closet, regretting the decisions I made in the last 10 minutes.
Also, I was there for quite a long time, and home alone, so I was just dangling there. Eventually someone came home and got me down, but it was very embarrassing. And boring. Fuck hiccups.
HopelessSemantic: Holy crap, how tiny are you that you can be hung with twine?
HavocReeker: The ceilings really high and I doubled up the twine, but yeah I'm only like 100 lbs
SalernoMendoza: Dude are you a chick?
the_state_of_florida: Dude looks like a ladyyy
PREDATORA: A laddy? That's not too bad.
| 6 | 13.666667 | |
1402530682 | 1402532120 | t3_27x6i6 | t5_2to41 | 4 | sammajju: TIFU by accidentally shaving my head
So this is what happened.
I've always liked to keep longer hair on my head. Even though I'm aware of the fact that it makes me look skinnier and smaller, for some reason, I just like having medium length hair. My parents had been hounding me for a couple months to get a haircut but I told them I'll get short one after my graduation. So the day after I graduated, I decided to get a short haircut for the summer. I usually get a number 3, with number 2 on the sides. But my dad insisted that I get a number 2 throughout. I agreed. So I went to the barbershop place and requested a number 2 throughout. The lady cutting my hair, laughed and said "Feeling daring, are we?". At the time I had no idea why she said that. Literally, 10 seconds later, I figured out why she said that. She ran that lawnmower-esque machine through the middle of my hair. There was no going back. I had to shave it all off.
My beautiful hair. Gone. For 2-3 months.
ihatecoffee: I'm as confused by your description as I'm guessing your barber was.
>"I usually get a number 3, with number 2 on the sides. But my dad insisted that I get a number 2 throughout."
Sounds like you wanted your whole head shaved with a #3 on top and a #2 on the sides. But then your dad wanted you to get a #2 for the whole head. If that's what you told the barber, it's no wonder you're rocking the buzz cut. Additionally, I'm confused as to how a #3 is medium length hair as it's like 3/8 of an inch in length.
sammajju: in hindsight, it's completely fault that i have a buzz cut now. I didn't think a number 2 would be that drastically different than number 3. How wrong I was.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1402531939 | 1402555495 | t3_27x8ef | t5_2to41 | 29 | justmight_: Tifu by not saying my age in interview
I filled out the application and put my age (15) and I had an interview with the manager and not one thing came up about my age . They told me to buy black plants, shirt, and shoes for the job and to come in the next day.
Fast foward to the next day . I vegin my job and they show me around which then turns into my orientation and I begin working . I was very nervous because its my first job and finally my shift is over and I go home walking 20 blocks home . Im havinga great day so far and then I get a call . They told me I did great and my age wouldnt allow me to work there . To come back next summer when I was 16 .
mjnbrn: How are you going to get paid for the day?
justmight_: Worked 4 hours at minimum wage - taxes so probably about 25 bucks
justmight_: Also , I have a buddy that works there so theyre giving it to him so he can then give it to me
diamondeyes18: Legally they can't release paychecks to your buddy.
justmight_: They have my permission , it is not illegal with authorization of the checks owner .
diamondeyes18: Is that permission written? I'm not even certain that is sufficient since you're a minor anyway (state dependent on these rules). Couldn't they mail it to you?
justmight_: They probably found it easier to just give it to him then have mail and everything . Anyways I dont mind really .
merrymischief: They're covering their ass. They'll over pay your friend so they can show you were never technically on the books. I believe this fuck up could land them in trouble if it got out to Labor agencies
justmight_: Most likely correct . Child labor laws for 14 to 15 year olds basically says Prohibited Occupations for 14- and 15-Year Olds
A child who is age 14 or 15 may not be employed in:
Manufacturing, mining or processing occupations, including occupations requiring the performance of any duties in work rooms or work places where goods are manufactured, mined, or otherwise processed
Occupations which involve the operation or tending of hoisting apparatus or of any power-driven machinery other than office machines
The operation of motor vehicles or service as helpers on such vehicles
Public messenger service
Occupations which the U.S. Secretary of Labor may declare to be hazardous for the employment of minors between 16 and 18 years of age or detrimental to their health or well-being
Occupations in connection with:
Transportation of persons or property by rail, highway, air, water, pipeline or other means
Warehousing and storage
Communications and public utilities
Construction (including demolition and repair)
Exception: Office work (including ticket office work) or sales work that does not involve the performance of any duties on trains, motor vehicles, aircraft, vessels, or other media of transportation or at the actual site of construction operations.
Work performed in or about boiler or engine rooms
Work in connection with maintenance or repair of the establishment or equipment
Outside window washing that involves working from window sills, and all work requiring the use of ladders, scaffolds or their substitutes
Cooking and baking
Including the use of electric and gas grilles that entail cooking over an open flame
Including the use of deep fryers that are not equipped with and utilize devices that automatically lower and raise the baskets into and out of oil or grease
Including the cleaning of kitchen surfaces and non-power driven kitchen equipment - including the filtering, transporting and dispensing of oil and grease - but only when the temperature of the surfaces, equipment, oil and grease exceeds 100 F
Occupations which involve operating, setting up, adjusting, cleaning, oiling or repairing power-driven food slicers and grinders, food choppers, and cutters and bakery-type mixers
Work in freezers and meat coolers and all work in the preparation of meats for sale
Loading or unloading goods to and from trucks, railroad cars or conveyors
All occupations in warehouses except office and clerical work
| 10 | 2.9 | |
1402531785 | 1402560796 | t3_27x85i | t5_2to41 | 63 | [deleted]: TIFU By laying down in my bed before a date.
So I had set up a date with a really gorgeous girl I met on Tinder the other night. I haven't been sleeping well lately which causes me to get pretty exhausted by the end of the night. The Girl is pretty busy so a late night drink is the only option. After I make dinner and drink a couple glasses of wine, I decide to lay down on my bed and wait for her to text me when shes on her way. Big mistake. I wake up and it's almost midnight with several missed texts from her, the last one stating she's heading home and we can raincheck. I profusely apologize in an immediate phone call, she says it's totally fine, laughed about it and that we can meet up the next day instead. Great! Except I just got a text from her canceling on me stating that she "has a gut feeling that I need to trust" and that "it feels different now." Oh well.
FireChickens: Eh don't beat yourself up, this happens. She'll come around. if not, it wasn't meant to be.
[deleted]: For sure, I think it was the complete 180 that threw me for a loop.
SalernoMendoza: Do you know why they call it the Xbox 360? Because when you see it you turn 360 degrees and walk away.
PrincessHeffalump: If you turned 360 degrees, you'd be walking right towards it again...
Mockiba: I'm pretty sure it's part of the 'joke'. I have heard it somewhere before, but not very relevant.
| 6 | 10.5 | |
1402536488 | 1402537254 | t3_27xf0c | t5_2to41 | 3 | ninjastar09: TIFU by trusting a fart
kinda_alone: Hi,
Your submission has been removed because it violates our trial rule against self-defecation.
ninjastar09: Really? This is why I'm starting to hate reddit. You have too many rules for this sub.
| 3 | 1 | |
1402536915 | 1402590219 | t3_27xflw | t5_2to41 | 38 | PM_ME_UR_SIDEBOOOB: TIFU by asking my dad for pictures of me sucking on his nipples
This shit just happened 5 minutes ago and reddit is the first place I turned.
So here's the story: I just met this new girl today and we instantly hit it off. I talked her into coming over to watch a movie, and we ended up hooking up. Well throughout her stay here she took some sexy pictures of us on her phone. Great! Only problem was, they weren't on my phone.
So later in the day I decide it was a great time to milk the monkey. I considered turning to porn, as I've done so many times before, but I decided I'd try and get my new friend to send me the pictures we took. She sends some of them, but it wasn't doing it for me. So, I decided to ask her specifically for the ones of me sucking on her chest puppies. And that's where I fucked up. without looking I clicked the conversation at the top of my page of texts. If I had looked, I would have realized that the page had scrolled down a bit for some reason, but it didn't. My dad now has a text on his phone, from his beloved son, that reads "can you please send pics of me sucking on your nipples?" Reddit I fucked up. I'm not sure what's about to happen, but he still hasn't replied. This should be fun!
TL; Dr: read the fucking title
Edit: I forgot to mention that I texted him almost immediately after saying oops wrong person, and please forget this happened. Definitely not one of my smoothest moments. I'm calling him today to explain.
burritobandito: Jesus, where is he? Get to his phone before he does.
PM_ME_UR_SIDEBOOOB: He's always got that phone on him. I'm sure my message has been seen already, I'm just waiting to see if he says anything. So far he hasn't said anything.
badvok666: there will be a way predictive text did this.
can you please send pics of me strolling in Naples
can you please send pics of me stealing a nacho
can you please send pigs, suckling is nominal
Prospekt01: That last one haha
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1402537582 | 1402538668 | t3_27xgjo | t5_2to41 | 28 | That_little_prick: TIFU by meeting my grandma
So first off its a throwaway cuz I have no idea who in my family goes on reddit but I really need this off my chest.
So it all started yesterday before my brother's baseball game when my uncle approached me and said that we needed to talk in private. We went to the porch where no one was so obviously this was a big secret. Keep in mind through the rest of the story I'm an adult. He tells me that my grandmother put away money in the form of bonds for me when I was born. The shock here is I have never actually met this woman in my life. I know she exists but my dad doesn't speak with her and most of that side of the family because of some fiasco when I was born. So naturally I was curious why bring this up to me now, and my uncle told me that she wanted to meet me before just handing over the money. I thought that was a legitimate concern for her to have and I was also curious to meet this woman that my normally calm cool and collected father hates so much. So I agreed to go to lunch with her and my uncle cautioned me not to tell my dad as he might flip. I had misgivings about this as I hate lying and so I told my dad I was going to lunch with uncle, which wasn't a lie but not the truth either.
Fast forward to today I actually go to the lunch and talk with my grandma for an hour and a half and she's not a bad person. I could tell she wasn't giving me the whole story but she seemed sincere so I took all of it with a grain of salt. Now this is the first time in my life anyone ever told me why my dad has been at war with his mom since I was born. At this point I should say I have no interest in the money I went to the lunch to find out the truth. Later after the lunch my dad came home and I still felt really guilty about going behind his back.
About an hour passes and I finally work up the balls to tell my dad about the lunch and ask him his side of the story. Needless to say he freaked out and I expected this. What I didn't expect was why he freaked out. He told me that he doesn't care about the lunch he cares about how I deceived him. He didn't yell he didn't raise his voice he just just looked hurt and then he said I'm no better than the rest of them. Now he isn't talking to me and I feel like such a fuck up for doing this to my dad. Honestly I have argued with my dad before on issues but this feels different and worse. So plz reddit bestow your infinite wisdom upon me and tell me what to do.
TL;DR I went behind my dad's back and no he won't even look at me.
MennyC123: Can we know the story?
That_little_prick: It's long, longer than the post is and I'm still unsure on the details as my dad isn't talking to me. One of his comments was that he doesn't need to explain himself to me. So I only have my grandma's side of the story and as I said I'm certain that the facts are not all there in her story
MennyC123: Alright. While I have no infinite wisdom, all I can say is give him time. He's hurting and he might feel like you're "one of them". Time is all I can suggest.
That_little_prick: Yea that was my plan the worst part is when my mom finally gets home tonight he's gonna tell her and she will freak out ten times more than he did as always. She is not what you would call reasonable
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1402530624 | 1402585311 | t3_27x6fb | t5_2to41 | 5 | DickDanklin: TIFU by accidentally ordering a $400 piece of equipment
I'm in a band, and I was surfing Ebay when I saw exactly what I needed. There was a $400 edition of this thing that had everything, which is what I didn't need. But there was a $40 version right next to it that had only one function. I never double check anything, so I thought I was buying the $40 version. I ended up accidentally buying the $400 version because I never check the cart's price. I am retarded.
Jimmacle: You are retarded.
the_state_of_florida: dud op is not stupid he is the cool man bro
mythrowawayresponse: > I am retarded.
I believe Jimmacle was really just recanting what the OP stated in the first place... no one seems to be arguing this point.... well because the OP has made it true.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1402540145 | 1402593788 | t3_27xkab | t5_2to41 | 6 | burritobandito: TIFU by restoring over a production database at a client site
So, I am supposedly a data protection expert. I had implemented a new backup system for a medium sized client. I was testing a redirected restore of their SharePoint content database. I'm not sure what I did, but seconds after launching my clients phone rings. It's a user reporting that SharePoint is down. I could not stop the restore. Sure enough I overwrote the prod DB from a backup from the previous evening.
I wanted to post this here to help anyone who had maybe monumentally fucked up at their job. This is probably the absolute worst thing that could happen in my job. Guess what, it was no big deal.
At the end the restore took about 45 min to complete then the DBA updated it with the logs from that day. About half an hour later I said to my client..." Sorry about that, but at least we tested a restore? To soon?"
I think the most important thing to do is take ownership, communicate the error to all stakeholders, then forget about it. Learning to let go of past mistakes and not dwell on things has been an important lesson in overcoming regrets and anxiety. Hope this helps someone.
dadofseven: "i'm not sure what I did" spoken like a true dumb-ass.
burritobandito: Actually I know exactly what I did, but for the purpose of brevity I abbreviated rather than delve into minutiae.
dadofseven: sorry, just couldn't resist. veteran 30 yr programmer here.
burritobandito: I know, hard to resist those moments.
datraceman: As someone who is a private SharePoint contractor, I feel your pain. A client once gave me access to Central Admin to poke around prior to a Migration. They sent me a list of requirements the next day about creating new Web Apps, etc. in the migration.
Well, what they didn't do was give me a full list of their existing web apps in the new farm. I went in to create the new Web Apps and their IIS went crazy and started eating up all the resources on the server.
Turns out, they had not configured their new farm properly and when I created the duplicate web app their whole farm essentially shut down. I spent a Friday afternoon getting yelled at before spending 8 hours on a Friday night reconfiguring their farm.
To this day, I swear they freaked out on purpose so that they could get free work from us to fix their misconfigured farm.
Alas, the joys of private contract work.
burritobandito: Wow, that must have been rough.
| 7 | 0.857143 | |
1402541238 | 1402604680 | t3_27xlur | t5_2to41 | 32 | unfortunatewomanizer: TIFU by Accidentally getting some action over skype. [NSFW]
So at my university we have a class where we are responsible for making a weekly broadcast for the campus. My professor just quit and the team was entrusted to me.
There's a girl on the team that I know has feelings me, and she is suppose to be my assistant director. I've been trying to let her down gently because I don't want to be in a relationship with her for numerous reasons including not wanting to date my assistant in team that I really care about.
Today she called me for a mundane skype call, and it being summer and me not having a car I was quite bored so I answered her call. Here's where I fuck up. So I just finished working out and was feeling a little horny but I tried to suppress it, but she was gently trying to get dirty and we start to talk more and more and i'm getting increasingly bored and strangely turned on by a girl that I am in no way attracted to.
One thing leads to another and she shows me her boobs and panties and I just can't get it all the way up. I've got half a chub and I don't know why because I don't find my friend attractive like this. Then she pressures me to show her my half limp cock so I try to make it look like its hard to not hurt her feelings but it wasn't very convincing to say the least. Eventually I had to pretend my phone died because she wouldn't hang up without seeing me cum and I couldn't get hard with this girls tits straight in front of me much less cum!
She is also now nonstop texting me and wants to have sex, so much for letting her down easy and maintaining a professional relationship.
TLDR; Tried to let a girl down easy, she flashed me, and I couldn't get it up.
redoverture: Just tell her you don't want to ruin your professional relationship. In my experience, girls are easier to deal with when you're up front with them.
Exuromei: Saying that will make it super awkward and will ruin the hope of ever having a "professional relationship" believe me she made the "professional relationship" disappear when she flashed you and said she wanted to have sex.
redoverture: Okay, well what's your idea then? Tell her to 'Fuck Off'? There's not much else you can really say
| 4 | 8 | |
1402546783 | 1402589848 | t3_27xtcb | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by being a shit boyfriend
my girlfriend..ex girlfriend lowered her standards to date me. she's far to smart to date a guy like me. anyways she's moving away to Portland we live in NC so I've been stressed she'd find someone better out there so somehow..some way I start having a crush on my previous ex. I don't know why probably because im human shit. so we hang out often nothing sexual just friends who flirt to much. well sadly I came to realize that I loved my gf more than anything on this planet and came clean. she flipped out told me to fuck myself and die and the good stuff. so im sitting here wondering what I'll do next. I wish I hadnt absolutely shit the bed tonight. I'm never going to be able to speak to her again. I really hate myself and can't believe how selfish I've been.
tldr fuck you but mostly fuck me.
ptitqui: Your biggest fuck up is selling yourself short. A relationship in which you feel lesser than, or unwanted is one doomed to fail. Admitting to unwanted feelings for someone else, when you have not acted on them, is a healthy thing to do in a relationship, and it sounds like your girlfriend handled it in a very immature fashion. You are probably a decent guy, just trying to do the right thing. But you are blinded by self pity and loathing. Work on forgiving yourself for this, and in general. If you value yourself, others will value you as well. You got this bud.
Prospekt01: My girlfriend always sells herself short. Drives me insane sometimes.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1402547316 | 1402584681 | t3_27xtzr | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: tifu by buying drugs on the internet
forthelongestsnatch: I wouldn't worry about it.
notlikecharles: It's one bottle of 30 pills, that's probably compounded flour anyway.
| 3 | 1 | |
1402547164 | 1402710109 | t3_27xttf | t5_2to41 | 6 | bebeman123: TIFU by accidentally being a racist...
So I work at a mcdonalds and the grill ladies don't speak too much english. So I am learning spanish from them and I've gotten pretty good. They make me quesadillas sometimes so I asked for another one today. They say that one of them makes the best but she wasn't working today.
Later that day, the girl doesn't come in and I tell her I thought she wasn't working cause the other grill ladies told me so. But...
She thought I said "I didn't think you were gonna come in today because they said you never work"
Then they all get in a huge fight because I can't speak spanish, the ladies are crying and I feel terrible....
Later we got it sorted out but I still feel terrible about the whole situation.
TL;DR: Accidentally told a mexican at my work that her friends thought she was lazy.
tishstars: Typical Mexican, knowing she doesn't work hard enough.
*Flame shield activated* /s
OuterPace: Also I spat on yous!
| 3 | 2 | |
1402550198 | 1402568680 | t3_27xw1c | t5_2to41 | 14 | CaptainExpletive: The way you feel is 100% justified. She messed up. If she cares about you, she would have backed off somehow, either by letting you talk to whomever, or by talking to your friend less.
(Warning: Monday morning quarterback imminent)
I would have "invited" said friend to outings with the 3 (then later 4) of you, making sure to establish yourself as the BF, and him the outsider. You look awesome to her, he shows appreciation (hee better), and then you can gauge what's really going on.
tadvuyst: Well ye, we had a kind of 3way groupschat, we can't really meet cuz of exams...
Basically every thing I said she responded with stop it, you're making it worse, she made me feel bad for actually establishing myself as the bf, I was just jealous...
We already talked about how I was jealous , and how I would like the talking to be less. But as I said, she doesn't have many friends, and she said he was one of the first she could talk so much with, but if I really felt that way, she would quit doing it, but she didn't...
I just feel that my reaction was completely over the top...
CaptainExpletive: >I just feel that my reaction was completely over the top...
It's not. Stand your ground. Jealousy is your job.
If he gives you crap, tel him to essentially shut up, and this episode was caused by him confessing to your girl.
If she gives you crap (it sounds like she is), just ask her "would you rather me NOT protect you from anything? How am I supposed to know what's going on in the cone of silence over here?" Information is your friend, insist on it.
Tbh, I think you'll be ok... just don't fully relent here, or you'll be signing up for a lifetime(?) full of "stop talking, you're making it worse"
tadvuyst: But I already told her I won't be jealous anymore, that I understand that I was wrong, and that I was wrong, that I trust them and would just let them do their thing...
What hurts me most is that yesterday me and her were on skype, with webcam, and as for my side we were having fun... Now suddenly she asks 'hey who is on teamspeak?', so I name the two people on teamspeak (Im in the AFK channel) and shes like 'meh' (the guy in question wasn't there). Then she asks why don't you go there and talk with your friends? And I respond with 'cuz I much rather just be here with you, much more fun :)
Suddenly 5 minutes later, I check TS again, she's in a channel with the guy, and she literally just asks me 'hey come join us on TS'. When then I said, come on ... I just told you Id rather be here on skype with you, and not even five minutes later you just go on TS, just for him... After that she was mad again for being so jealous...
Was I wrong there too ?
enzlow: Based on what you have provided in your answers, this whole situation gives you every reason to be put off. She obviously has a thing for him, and if the guy had to take four hours of convincing to explain to you "nothing is going on," then something obviously is. I want to feel empathetic for you about this, but it sounds like you aren't paying attention to the signs. GET OUT NOW.
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1402550559 | 1402601154 | t3_27xxzv | t5_2to41 | 137 | dontknowwhattodothro: TIFU by running away from a gorgeous, naked woman.
This will double as a TIFU and a cry for help, 'cause I really don't know what to do here.
Im not good with women, never have been. I'm somewhat of a nerd, but not the kind that's in vogue right now and can play into the nerd culture and be kind of cool by talking about Firefly all the time. I'm not that kind. I'm the kind that works in the Accounting department at a big corporation and is best friends with his cat. In my early 30's... Suffice it to say that I've never done particularly well in the romance department, I had a steady girlfriend for about 4 years in my 20's, but nothing for about 6.5 years. No dates, no prospects, nothing.
So recently a rather gorgeous, slightly younger (6 years) woman from a different department and I have been working fairly closely together on a project, and something seemed really off. She wasn't treating me the way that extremely beautiful women treat me (which would be with mild [or occasionally not so mild] distaste). She was not only friendly, she almost seemed to be flirting with me. Now I've had that happen in the past as well, there are some women who like to try to make the power nerd drool for a quick ego boost, or to show off, but unlike those previous times, she didn't go back to ignoring me the next day, and she was doing it when we were alone. It was strange. This is the kind of woman who was likely a cheerleader in high school, outgoing, popular. I didn't know how to process it.
In the interest of brevity, I'll skip over the weeks of crushing self-doubt, anxiety and akwardness on my part, and say that after her persistently inviting me to join her outside of work for various things, I eventually took the plunge and accepted her offer to get a drink on Friday night. Now I don't drink at all basically, only socially, which for me is effectively the same as never, so 2 beers will pretty much do me in. I rode my bike to the bar (I don't own a car), and after about 4 drinks of her choice, there was no way I was going to be able to ride, so I began to walk my bike back home. She pulled up along side me and offered to drive me home.
Despite having had more to drink than I had, she seemed fine to drive, so I put my bike in the trunk and she drove me home. Somehow, this led to her staying over. We ended up naked in my bed, but due to a combination of nerves and alcohol, there was no sex. I made her breakfast on Saturday morning, she kissed me goodbye, and left. I spent most of the day trying to process what had happened, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. It HAD to be too good to be true.
It was, and here is where I fucked up. On Saturday night, I got an email from her (I don't have a cell). In it, she gave me her address, and said she wanted to finish what we had started the night before, and to get over there ASAP. I debated for a good ten minutes over what to do, then finally got up my courage and got on my bike.
She buzzed me up, and the second I knocked on the door, she was all over me. She answered wearing this kind of lingere piece, and dragged me into the condo, kissing me, pulling at my clothes, and at this point I realized that she was stone, blackout drunk. I think she had been drinking all day. The condo was a disaster, there was garbage everywhere, empty wine and liquor bottles lying on the floor, music blaring. It was like sensory overload for me, I don't do well with too much overstimulation, I need time to process things. It was like a whirlwind throwing me around.
We ended up in the bedroom, and that's where things got really weird. She pulled off her lingere and dove naked onto the bed. She drunkenly fiddled with her iPod until she found the song she wanted: "Do What You Want With My Body" by Christina Agulera, blasting out of the speakers. She flopped back on to the bed, and I realized that she had HANDCUFFS attached to the frame somehow. She handcuffed her right hand, tried to do the left one, couldn't get it, and just started flopping around back and forth yelling "Do what you want with me, I'm your toy, do anything, do anything to me".
I froze up. The combination of everything was too much, and I kind of shut down. I was confused, overwhelmed, and honestly, intimidated as hell. This was so far outside of my experience that my brain just seemed to stop, and all of a sudden an alarm was going off in my mind: "Get the fuck out". So that's what I did. It was too much, and I just turned around and ran, out of the bedroom, out of the condo, down to my bike and I pedaled home like the devil was on my ass. I was honestly, actually scared, and I just didn't know what to do.
Admittedly, I could have handled it better. But this thing has blown up to an insane degree in the past few days, and I'm at a loss. I don't know what happened after I left, how she got loose or what, but she has gone totally crazy now. She's posting messages all over Facebook, in crazy graphic detail, and accusing me of being gay. It's all over work, people are asking me about it, I don't know what to do or how to make her stop, it's completely out of control. I'm not good with things like this, I just want everything to go away, and I really regret getting involved in this. I really don't know what to do.
TL;DR: Gorgeous co-worker throws herself at me, I freak out and run away, she is going crazy on Facebook and telling everyone that I'm gay.
cannonman1863: I'd go with trying to tell her that you thought that in her possible drunken condition, you didn't want to do anything that she could possibly regret or not remember agreeing to.
avatarvszelda: I second that motion.
Enkidu_Shamesh: Third. If they are blacked out you back out.
| 4 | 34.25 | |
1402537238 | 1402587233 | t3_27xg3d | t5_2to41 | 2 | DickDanklin: TIFU twice by pissing.
On the shitter, I pissed accidentally all over my pants. Not on my leg, but on my pants. When I put them on it was wet as shit. Gross, but didn't warrant a shower-based detox. Then I googled "pissing in pants on toilet problem" and… got a bunch of porn. I'm probably on a few watch lists by now.
redoverture: When people ask just brush it off as a broken sink, or a prank by a coworker/roommate. Or spill coffee all over your pants to mask the smell of urine.
ffence: Spilling coffee seems like a good idea.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1402555435 | 1402629888 | t3_27y2y5 | t5_2to41 | 826 | 70sPornoStache: TIFU By Taking it from behind.
So my boyfriend was at my house and we were doing that thing that couples do, when we get the idea to switch positions, and I was leaned over the bed and he was behind me. We heard a tap, and we thought it was the cat, but lo and behold, it was my grandmother. We heard the door open and thought it would help us to hide behind the bed. So, we ended up standing there both hands covering our crotches and speechless. She then proceeds to nope the fuck out of there. We then quickly and shamefully put our clothes back on shaking and panicked the whole time. I then try to get the nerve or the words to try and explain myself. I walk to her room and said, "so was there something you needed to ask?". She then proceeds to start a conversation on asking when will my parents be home and in mid sentence said, "I'm not going to tell anyone." So with that I said, "thank you and goodnight" walked out a realized my grandmother was a boss.
Tl;dr: granny's a G
duckvimes_: >doing that thing that couples do
Arguing?
Arpikarhu: ignoring each other while simmering in their own resentment
MachinaExDeo: That's exactly the sort of thing you WOULD say.
Arpikarhu: could you sound more like your mother!?!
DoIOffend: Go on, do whatever you want to do, you will anyway.
Arpikarhu: you never care what i do anyway so why start now!
DoIOffend: You just don't want to have sex with me because I'm not a man!
One of my exes favorites.
Arpikarhu: Ok. This just got weird
DoIOffend: Three years of weird man.
| 10 | 82.6 | |
1402557309 | 1402699688 | t3_27y3yf | t5_2to41 | 42 | ShowStoppa718: TIFU by burning my penis and breaking my face
Slow day at work. Manager asks if I want to go home early. I volunteer, because its slow and im thinking "Fuck yeah, I have to level up to enchant my daedric armor". I order my 8th of Xhemdog and head home.
4 hours gameplay, 1 1/2 J's in, and 8 cans of Schafer, I pause my game due to the all too familiar duet of farts and abdominal cramping. I have to shit..
Im sitting on the throne, giving sacrifice to the toilet Gods, and lighting up the second half of the sticky.
Man, my day went smooth, I thought to myself. My fingers are hot.
I kill the jza (joint, whiteboy, paper plane, etc) and pluck it in between my legs.
I feel my penis begin to itch, at the same moment I smell burning hair.
Then it hits me. I jump up off the porcelain throne, swatting my nuts, and kissed the wall.
I now have a red blister on my dick and a scraped face.
TL;DR I burned my dick smoking on the toilet.
ComfortablyChildish: Sheogorath tortures in the worst ways my friend. Look at it this way, you could have done the opposite.
ZachMartin: "TL;DR I burned my dick smoking on the toilet."
Burned the toilet, smoking his dick?
ComfortablyChildish: burn his face, breaking his dick.
Username__Irrelevant: Breaking his burnt dick-face?
ComfortablyChildish: Burning his broken facedick.
Username__Irrelevant: Dicking his broken faceburn.
azrael23: Facing his broken dickburn
Username__Irrelevant: Breaking his dickburns face
| 9 | 4.666667 | |
1402558726 | 1402640926 | t3_27y561 | t5_2to41 | 10 | whenvictorysang: TIFU by bringing up reddit with my group of friends.
I was talking to my friends, conversation drifted towards internet, leading to reddit.
My friends brought up the fact that they found my reddit account some time ago, and when I got home, I was horrified when I hopped onto facebook.
They puush'd my reddit history. And posted it. Onto the timeline.
FUCK.
Edit: I promptly removed any "bad" posts or replies from my history, however, they still have it since they ss'd.
[deleted]: there's nothing bad in your history.....
KennyFulgencio: not anymore!
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1402554038 | 1402662608 | t3_27y1le | t5_2to41 | 9 | Bnlol1: TIFU by trying to lockpick my own door
So today when i was walking home, everything was fine until i realized that i had forgotten my key in the house that morning.
However, not to worry, i keep a set of lockpicks in my bag for situations like this. Now it should be noted I've only ever picked a crap padlock before, and nothing else, so i really just had internet knowledge to go off of.
So, i start picking. Needless to say nothing works and i just sit there fiddling with the door lock for 30 minutes.
Suddenly, a cop rolls by and sees me here. He walks up and is just like "Hey kid, what the hell are you doing?"
I cant convince this cop that this is in fact my/my-parents house to this cop, and he's about ready to just sit me down in the cruiser and take me to the station, when my mom gets home from work. She clears everything up and reprimands me, but its better than nearly getting arrested.
TL:DR i nearly got arrested for breaking into my own home
mrpauliepants: If you keep your ID/license/permit on you, then you can avoid that situation should it ever arise again. Just show your ID with your address.
Bnlol1: In hindsight this would be a really great idea, but i haven't used my id more than once or twice, so i rarely think to carry it with me. Oh well.
mrpauliepants: Well you know what they say about hindsight... lol.
Qqboxing: its 30/20
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1402566281 | 1402582354 | t3_27yaqv | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU By getting high before my science exam
I started my usual routine of walking to school and had been lent what I thought was a normal cigarette. I smoked it while walking to school and started feeling slightly stoned (the feeling you get like somethings in your throat) by the time I got to school I was pretty Stoned and I had a science exam as soon as I got in, so now I just have to wait till August to see if it helped or hindered me.
twinpac: You're an idiot if you couldn't tell the difference. I call bullshit on this post.
JakeTh3No0b: The weed was mixed with the tobacco, I didn't realise
Lucarian: I was at a shopping centre just across from the train station with a friend if mine. We run into some other friends and my mate asks if he can roll a smoke. He rolls one from a pouch and start smoking it. A minute or so later he says "okay, I can definitely smell weed, who has it?". No one owns up and someone suggests that it may be him. He sniffed his cig and then laughed, the dude that had let him roll had dumped a bunch of chopped up weed in it.
JakeTh3No0b: Same thing basically!
Lucarian: I hope the test went well too, one of my friends' brother took a bunch of mushroom before his French Test and he had no idea what we wrote, but got a B+ on it anyway.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1402568092 | 1402595268 | t3_27yc3d | t5_2to41 | 923 | [deleted]: TIFU by waking up naked, wrapped in a twister game board/sheet, in a friends apartment.
Two of my friends (a boy and a girl) and I were very bored and drunk, we were going to take some low dosages of trazadone and go to sleep.
My friend (whose apartment this is in) is very sick right now and on around 15-20 different medications. Instead of grabbing 3 Trazadone for us, he accidentally got three 5mg Trihexyphenidyl, which we took under the impression it was the sleeping pill.
And Trihexyphenidyl causes SEVERE hallucinations, which we didn't find out/comprehend until around 3pm this afternoon.
Most of the night is a huge blur, but the highlights include someone throwing clear plastic thumbtacks all over the floor throughout the entire apartment, me wondering when I had changed clothes and walking into the bathroom to see my original outfit stuffed into the toilet.
I kept thinking I was talking to one of my friends, look away and look back and realize they hadn't even been there in the first place. I was literally having conversations with people I was *seriously* convinced were there, but would suddenly disappear if you looked away.
I've tripped a lot in my life, and this was by far the most intense, vivid, confusing and terrifying experience I've had.
We're still trying to piece together other parts of the night, like the girl standing in the shower in her clothes being completely silent (if she was even actually there), and the guy rearranging his closet into some nightmarish temple dedicated to his girlfriends work uniform, and me waking up the other roommate(that was asleep before this even started) and waving a crest teeth whitening strip packet at her yelling about how it was my phone, and it wasn't working anymore.
I still don't know how I ended up naked wrapped in the twister sheet on the floor.
TL;DR: fucking double, TRIPLE check medicine you're taking. Unless seeing phantoms of your friends disappear around corners, and realizing you've been talking to an amp for an hour, honestly believing it was your friend, sounds fun (it's fucking NOT)
Edit: yes, I know that it was very irresponsible, thank you
RGamma: So your friend is on 15-20 different medications (wonder what doctor would prescribe all that (and for what disorder(s)) given that there can be a lot of interactions between some agents), gets drunk (a bad idea with certain medications alone and when you're "very sick") and passes around antidepressants/antipsychotics... Yeah, right.
ohmykai: When I see contraindications like acute somnolence and accumulated fatigue that can occur when first taking this drug with other chemicals at standard dose; that drowsiness, vertigo, headache, and dizziness are frequent CNS effects as well? I begin to wonder how with a 5mg dose they'd get the stated hallucinogenic effects that require (according to several sources, easily found by a quick Google search) dangerously high doses to occur.
Trihex wiki does go on to state that taking it with alcohol can increase intoxication, but does not clarify any hallucinogenic effect.
I'll jump on the skeptic train.
1800k001: Different Drugs can affect people differently depending on a ton of circumstances including alcohol and genetics.
ohmykai: While your statement is reasonable conspicuous, I appreciate your putting it out there for those who might be unawares. Yes, combining chemicals can have unsuspecting effects, and yes, one's genetic makeup can contribute to varying degrees of effects that may otherwise go unnoticed in a trial setting. I also get the distinct feeling that popping pills whilst drinking is common place for OP. It's spoken like it was a normal routine, and I assume OP is at least aware of the fundamentals of combining prescription drugs with alcohol based on the recount.
There are indications that the said prescription can cause hallucinations under extreme dosages, it is implied that at low doses (and coupled with a CNS depressant like alcohol) it would have a depressant, delirious effect versus an awake-like hallucinogenic state. Here is where the difference between delirium inducing and hallucination inducing effects are important. Delirium may feel like tripping balls, but it is more a stupor and less an extremely heightened state of one's senses.
Delirium is confusion. Delirium is stuffing your piss-sodden trousers from a drink-buzz in the toilet and not being able to figure out that that Crest strip, is in fact, a Crest strip and not one's phone. I've had many a LSD session, and many a Psilocybin session in my life and my ability to distinguish between objects has rarely, if ever, faltered. It has led to visual distortions of objects, but they remain wholly themselves. Damn phone might be flipping and melting into an array of 50,000 colors, yet, it is still only a freakin' crazy lookin' phone.
Perhaps user is not in fact a consistent user, and did in fact trip. I don't deny that possibility. I do deny the likelihood of it, and the excess of the claim. It's more like to be black out drunk and slightly delirious in this case, hence the flashes of people rounding corners and figments of memory with no recount of an actual hallucinogenic state.
tl;dr op was delirious
1800k001: TIL~ish
Thanks for the clarification!! and no prob. I mainly work with antidepressants, so I haven't seen trihex in my line of research.
ohmykai: Of course. Gave me something to talk about while I ate lunch by myself, haha!
1800k001: niice!!
Pharmacogenomics is pretty sweet stuff. I can ramble on about it for hours.
ohmykai: Agreed on that, yay science!
Had it been one person experiencing all the listed effects they had, I would agree that it was likely a very individual response to the drug. OP speaks about it as if all three of them experienced similar effects on a low dose of 5 mg each. Doesn't add up, if you ask me.
1800k001: Yeah, if more than one person was experiencing similar side effects, I would be more suspicious of the information.
Even people genetically related have different reactions. I find it quite amazing.
| 10 | 92.3 | |
1402561686 | 1402632346 | t3_27y7g1 | t5_2to41 | 145 | FantasyBloomed: TIFU by reading /r/TIFU then falling asleep
So today I was sitting at my grandmas on my iPad, browsing through /r/tifu when I get to the thread of the week. I laugh rather loudly, then I shut the iPad (without pressing the home button. This is where I fuck up first), and fall asleep.
Next thing I know my aunt is sitting in the chair with my iPad practically screaming at it because she read the story of the guy being sodomized by his shower. I suddenly realized why she was asking me over and over "did you write this?! Did you write this?!" Had to explain to her I did not. She just wanted to play solitaire, which I typically let her do without asking for my iPad, so it wasn't an uncommon thing.
I'm still embarrassed and I know she is too...
DroopysNumberOneFan: I did nahht write this, I did nahht!
ChickenMcfaggot: ...Oh hi mark.
kinda_alone: *throws football*
| 4 | 36.25 | |
1402578352 | 1402585610 | t3_27ylw0 | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by ordering $650 worth of yearbooks nobody will buy
This happened today, and although it's not worst fuckup I still feel guilty about it.
I was in charge of ordering the yearbooks after I uploaded the file to the printing company's website. We are a small class of 61 and estimated to sell 75 yearbooks. When I ordered them this morning, I put in the adress and pressed ok. Later it dawned on me that they didn't even ask how many I wanted, so I went back to check.
Turns out someone else from our yearbook committee put in 100 a few weeks ago when we set up the account. When I ordered them I didn't think of checking if there was already something put in and it didn't ask me to confirm the number.
I immediatly called their customer support (about 5h after ordering) but they told me there is nothing they could do (although I doubt they already printed anything, they said it'd be 3 weeks before we get them).
So now we will be sitting on 25 yearbooks we can't sell and owe the company about $650 we don't have. We will propably raise the price for the books we *can* sell, but there will be a lot of people getting upset, and rightfully so.
TIFU by not checking before ordering.
Thinkingofsomethingg: Did you use a credit card? Try contacting your CC company.
yourdoppelgaenger: We don't have to pay up front, they give us time to collect the money from the books we sell and we have a deadline for when we have to transfer them the money.
Thinkingofsomethingg: You should be able to cancel the order then. I'd suggest contacting Customer support again, and be sincere with them. Even ask to speak to a manager if possible.
It's a simple clerical mistake.
If they won't refund it, simply ask why, and try to cancel it anyways. Explain that you're a valuable client to them, and this issue has caused you personally to lose $650.
Just don't get upset and you should be fine. I know it sucks, but there's usually a way to get past things like this.
Cheers.
yourdoppelgaenger: I just called them back, but she said there is nothing she can do as it is an automated process and the books are already in print. When I told her we don't have the money, she basically said tough luck, too late now. I was friendly and she said she was sorry, but she can't cancel or change it.
Thanks for trying though!
Thinkingofsomethingg: I'm sure you can just contact your CC company and request a hold payment on the transaction (give them the future transaction date).
It's not a matter of tough luck. It's a clerical error, and a mistake. I've worked with yearbooks before (3 years of doing it) and they take FOREVER to print. I highly doubt the books are already in the press.
Thought its worth mentioning: I'm also a book publisher and author myself, as part of my business. Don't let them take your money.
Cheers.
Also; I don't mean to sound pessimistic, it's just $650 isn't pocket change.
yourdoppelgaenger: Called my bank and explained the situation, they said they can't can't do anything because we have a contract with the company. Guess we'll be stuck with raising the prices...
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1402574393 | 1402633007 | t3_27yhk6 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by brushing my teeth with benzol peroxide
I've been working long days for the last couple of weeks due to a shortage of staff at work. Last night I managed to sleep at 930 pm which is unusual for me; but I actually felt both sleepy and exhausted (normally just exhausted)
I woke up at some point in the night, dead to the world and desperate to pee. I sat up and then went back to sleep. I woke up again (probably after a few mins) and told myself I needed to get up.
So I stumbled getting up and navigated around my wife who was sleeping on the floor with me (another story). After I went to the toilet I washed my hands and wanted to brush my teeth because I'd gone to bed without. Brushing and they felt furry. I went to grab my toothbrush. All this was in the dark as I have children who sleep with the doors open and I'm used to doing everything in the dark. (side note... I do everything in the kitchen with the light of the fridge, regularly covering the sensor to stop it from alarming)
Anyway... My toothbrush sits on the soap holder with my toothpaste. I couldn't find the toothpaste so I started feeling around the cup where my kids toothbrushes are and found nothing. I felt around the basin and found the tube! Twisted the top off and squeezed some onto my finger and put it on my back teeth.... Big mistake.
Now if you're wondering... This is how I dispense toothpaste in the dark because I can't see how much goes on the toothbrush otherwise.
Benzol peroxide 5‰ is the strongest topical cream for acne here where I live. It's white and not viscous at all. It makes your skin feel like it'd burning and bleaches fabric.
I noticed pretty much straight away and spat it out... Rinsed my mouth like a mad man and stood there spitting into the sink for about 20mins afraid to swallow at all.
No harm done... Just a bit freaked out.. And my tongue and gum felt burning (surprisingly not badly). I noticed because it didn't feel thick or viscous and had no sweetness.. I didn't know what it was at first but knew I didn't want it in my mouth!!!
One thing that interests me though... I twisted the top off... My toothpaste had a flip top cap.. So not really sure why it didn't click.
Tldr. Grabbed the tube of acne cream instead of toothpaste in the dark... Put a blob of it in my mouth and spat it out. Freaked out.
ffence: I think you should go see your dentist, it might not be painful but just for the safe feel.
Dr_Joeblack: I think it's okay. I'm not too worried. Dentists are expensive
ffence: Then just forget it. Consult a dentist only if something seems different.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1402582994 | 1402587788 | t3_27ys6u | t5_2to41 | -1 | [deleted]: TIFU by offending a Jewish coworker with an accidental holocaust reference
So I was in a standard office meeting with a Jewish coworker and for some reason we got on the topic of the new interns and the cubes that they had to sit in. These cubes are extremely tiny, square, and provide only enough space to look straight forward, hands on keyboard, that's it. They are like little claustrophobic concentration chambers. In fact, one could say they are even "concentration cubes", which is precisely the term I decided to use.
"Concentration cubes" - what a f*cking idiot.
I said this phrase a few times before abruptly stopping when my brain made the connection. I think I even at one point said we're "forcing our interns to work" in these tiny "concentration cubes" or something like that.
IMPORTANT: I WASN'T trying to make any sort of holocaust reference, it was simply an adjective I chose to describe the cube and it wasn't until a few moments later that I realized it was very, very close to the phrase "concentration camp". Not sure if he realized this was unintentional or not, but he certainly picked up on the connection. It was quiet. After a moment or two of awkwardness we just sort of moved on talking about normal office stuff. Good job, me.
TLDR: Used the phrase "concentration cube" in a lighthearted way without initially realizing the extremely close connection to "concentration camp".
ManOfLaBook: About 6 million Jews were murdered in the concentration camps.
About 5 million blacks, homosexuals, Romans (gypsies), folks with mental problems, handicapped and more were also murdered.
I'd say you simply shouldn't make fun of the Holocaust no matter who you talk to.
kesuaus: If it was 10 millions of gypsies either Id be happy
octavesemitone: enough of the fake gold
kesuaus: I have no idea what you are trying to say .
| 5 | -0.2 | |
1402615999 | 1402675627 | t3_27yweu | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: Really? You knew a girl was struggling with mental issues, then you submit a story about how you "fucked up", and now you're going to deny that you were taking advantage of her?
Absolutely incredible. Wake up you fucking scumbag.
Volistar: You clearly can't read...
[deleted]: > After a month of hooking up she ended up having a mental break down of sorts. She had been in a really bad place that whole school year, struggling with drugs, emotional stuff, body image problems, eating, school work, it was a mess. She ended up dropping out before the end of the first semester.
This is the **edited** version where you made yourself sound like a slightly smaller asshole.
Volistar: Again, you clearly can't read..
[deleted]: >After a month of hooking up she ended up having a mental break down of sorts. She had been in a really bad place that whole school year, struggling with drugs, emotional stuff, body image problems, eating, school work, it was a mess. She ended up dropping out before the end of the first semester.
| 5 | 1 | |
1402589230 | 1402673182 | t3_27z240 | t5_2to41 | 171 | GameOfThirst: TIFU by masturbating with hand sanitizer
EDIT: I was 13 when this happened and just getting into the meat beating game.
So I was using some hand sanitizer and became intrigued by the cool sensation it gave my skin... long story short, after a lapse in judgement, I landed on the brilliant idea of trying to masturbate with it.
I locked my door, loaded multiple tabs, and got down to business. Immediately after my first stroke, I was in excruciating pain. I remember letting out a panicked squeal and doubling over onto the ground with both hands on my junk.
My mom heard something and shouts up the stairs asking if all is well; I had to muster the little energy I had left to shout back that I chipped a toenail against a corner.
This was the first time, in a long time that I cried... a lot. There wasn't anything I could do or say so I just sat there and took it.
Worst pain of my life but, in retrospect, I deserved it.
mythrowawayresponse: I shudder at the things evolving masturbators use during their introduction and experimentation phase...
Cougs67: During that phase, I learned that jackin' it with shampoo is a terrible idea, but conditioner is good
arcticblue: I learned that shampoo is bad if you don't finish. Maybe it was just the shampoo we had when I was growing up, but I didn't have time to finish and went about my day. A little while later, I had to pee and it was the worst pain my junk had ever experienced. I did it again a while later, but finished that time and there was no pain later.
mythrowawayresponse: **saliva is free** and most people have plenty of it... if you can't spit at will save it up in a jar over an hours time for your session and you should be set...
arcticblue: Yeah, but shampoo lasts longer in the shower. I'm married now though so I just have sex in the shower. It's better and a good workout too.
mythrowawayresponse: yeah sex in the shower is better if you aren't under a drought...
arcticblue: Water drought or sex drought? Both suck.
mythrowawayresponse: lol never encountered a sex drought... but it sucks to be metered for water usage... after seeing the bill a few times shower sex turns cents per thrust...
| 9 | 19 | |
1402590311 | 1402636718 | t3_27z3w0 | t5_2to41 | 6,568 | ShotoPizza: Tifu by leaving car windows open while driving @2am
I was driving back home after a day of work & evening with my gf @~2am
Long straight street, it was hot outside (~26°C) and not a single car around as you can tell by the day/hour so i thought it was ok to leave car windows open.
...Until 1km from home.
There the apocalypse happened in 0.5 seconds.
Imagine the street: ditch left & right with the typical grass leaves coming out from the street borders.
No time to think at all.
I see a movement on the right and a rough sound of something hitting my right mirror..
...And some hot liquid hitting my face in that exact moment. (N.d.a: I live in italy so I was sitting/driving in the LEFT seat.)
My glasses were completely covered in something that was completely covering my eyesight so i paniked and braked blindly.
I somehow managed NOT to fell in the ditch but then I removed my glasses and turned the internal car light on.
Blood.
On my glasses, on the front seats.
Started paniking I realized what happened.
A turkey (YAY, A TURKEY) decided it was a good time to die (so sorry btw).
I stopped the car and looked at the backseats with a torch.
There it was.
Covered in blood the turkey was "sitting" on my backseat.
The backseat was completely full of shit & blood.
I paniked more.
I opened the car doors and gently moved away the turkey with a shopping bag i found on the trunk.
I stopped outside the car for like 10 mins looking at that mess.
Then I finally decided it was time to go back home, cleaned the glasses on my blood-covered-t-shirt, and started cleaning the car and myself with alcohol.
Went to bed @ 5am.
TL;DR: almost beheaded a turkey while driving. turkey in the impact sprayed blood all over me & IN the car. Shitted all over the backseats.
3 hours to clean up all this mess.
Sorry for the english, not my main language.
SuicidalTurkey: Sorry.
Want_to_69_a_goat: 785 days old. Wow. Relevant username indeed.
Edit: ok
fps4lyf: Has your username ever been relevant somewhere? :(
Entele: Thats his *farmer's only* dating website account username as well.
t3h_PeNgUIN_0F_d0Om: You don't have to be lonely.
TheDarkNightsWhisper: *At farmers only dot com!*
dudeski3: Because city folk just don't get it.
Ericthecountryboy: Yall dont!
VisualizeWhirledPeas: I'm actually OK with that, Ericthecountryboy.
| 10 | 656.8 | |
1402587929 | 1402638026 | t3_27yzzn | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by thinking there was a tornado outside at 130 AM
My fiancee did 3 tours in Iraq with the Marines before the age of 21 and saw and probably did a lot of gruesome shit that I don't want to think about. Needless to say he has PTSD and TBI and frequent nightmares and tremors that we have been working on alleviating for some time. I am his caregiver through the VA.
So last night a very strong line of thunderstorms came barreling through and there was a tornado warning out in our area, which means one had been spotted. We live in a hilly area (2000 foot mountains) and so tornadoes rarely, if ever touch down here.
My SO was in bed and had been asleep for 3 hours. I was about to go to bed so I walked the bathroom to brush my teeth. I looked out the window and saw a huge funnel-shaped thing and didn't even hesitate to run in the room and go ''GET THE FUCK UP THERE'S A TORNADO'' which prompted him to freak out, as I was freaking out.
He came to the bathroom and goes, ''an_impasta, that's the fucking lilac bush outside. dumb ass.'' And went back to bed.
I'm glad he had a good spirit about it. I shouldn't be so careless, but it's the first time I have done something like this. Now we are sitting here laughing about it. It is, in fact, a lilac bush.
mythrowawayresponse: ... at least he didn't snap your neck.
[deleted]: I did realize this may have happened...but in hindsight, I feel I would have deserved it lol
Edit: would
| 3 | 3 | |
1402592899 | 1402635859 | t3_27z89a | t5_2to41 | 27 | anatomyoffear: TIFU by running from my wedding
SO i guess title tell all. So here is my story. I used to date a girl in high school and college for some time, then i was invited to work for one of IT companies and I moved to California, US. After few years, I received an email from my ex-girlfriend, where she was saying that she is around and if I would like to meet with her. Well. of course I haven't seen her quite long but was really excited to see her again.
After few hours of talking, we decided we wanted to resume our relationship. She moved to CA in order to pursue her phd.
After two years of dating, we had this serious conversation where she said if I want to resume the relationship we must go further. I perfectly knew what she wanted.
I let some weeks pass, before I made her proposal. She was so astonished, but she said yes without hesitation. So time started to approach our wedding day, since we are both foreigners and we didnt have much of budget. We decided to held small ceremony by inviting only few guests who could possibly attend the ceremony. And held bigger event back home next year or so.
SO preparation all went smoothly, since she was so excited and eager to take it all from my shoulders. As the say of our wedding approaches, I moved to hotel for few days just to be reunited with her afterwards as a husband. So here, I am sitting in the hotel with no desire or so for next day to come. My engagement proposal seems forced to me now, despite how eagerly I love her. I just couldn't bring myself to marry her. I wasn't ready for any type of bond that has to connect us tomorrow. SO here I am sitting in this damn hotel room, cursing the day that is going to come.
Finally, in a dawn I came to the decision. I waited until 7 or so, and reached one of my colleagues telling her that I am going to fly there immediately (and not in three days I was going to), so I can prepare the grounds for the deal that I have to settle.
I have never felt that panic. I collected some of my stuff, grabbed my passport, and headed to airport. Around 9 I was already near gates, sitting there and waiting for my airplane. My cell phone rings, and I find my fiancee sending me message."Hey, in just few hours we will be a husband and wife, I cant wait :D" My heart drops, but I manage to reply here... "Yes, i can't wait to see u"
This probably will ruin my relationship forever, as much as I love her I am not ready for that kind of commitment. I feel like total jerk and coward. Here I am, sitting in airport. I will board this plane, and it is never going to be the same.
Update: ended up texting her saying that I wasn't ready and got myself drunk. I have 23 missed calls, 5 of which is from my work place.
I dont really know what I feel now. I did fucked up my life very badly. I dont know if it is early to call her now, i dont know if she would want to face me. I dont even now if she has slept, or she looked for me whole night.
I thought hearing strangers opinion will help me to face my friends. But i dont know anymore, I dont know what I expected to hear. I have done wrong , and I guess I dont have enough of courage to face it.
I felt like an idiot, who needed more time while wasting it. I guess I do feel guilty, I dont know if I am able to face her. or others.
bdpyo: Don't get on the plane! It's gonna crash.
anatomyoffear: It is better to crash... No one is going to forgive me that
thanweisiong: Are you still alive OP?
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1402593201 | 1402694148 | t3_27z8rx | t5_2to41 | 11 | rgbaba: TIFU By trying a cigarette
Tried one after work, just being stupidly curious, hated it and threw it out. Nasty as shit I'd rather, eat a rotting corpse. Went home later and casually mentioned it over a Skype call and now my best friends are disowning me. I accept the stupidity and am fully against smoking, as I have lost friends and family to it. Damn I'm stupid...
ViolentThespian: You tried it. It's not as if it's thirty years later and they're all at your deathbed for emphysema. Your family and friends need to get a reality check if they honestly think your life is now ruined. At least now you know what not to do.
rgbaba: I've acknowledged my stupidity already to them multiple times, it's ridiculous. I didn't even fucking like the damn thing, I'm an advocate against it. Really just stupid on my part. Every time I step outside their comfort zone I become a pariah.
ViolentThespian: You're being ostracized from the wrong group then. Find some new people who aren't afraid to experience the world, and as you've learned, exercise caution while doing so.
sameoldnigga: I've never tried a cigarette - does this mean I haven't experienced the world yet?
TrojanThunder: That's not the point. People willing to never talk to someone that has smoked one cigarette are probably not very open minded and willing for other people to experience new things.
ViolentThespian: Correct. Don't be that guy, man.
| 7 | 1.571429 | |
1402588791 | 1402597773 | t3_27z1d2 | t5_2to41 | 25 | JmanFL: TIFU By not turning on the light
so back story, i recently got rid of some roaches that had made it inside the house. I also have a tendency to blow some air into whatever cup i use before i do to rid it of any mild dust, debris. this was last night
I get back from a really tiring work day and head to sleep a couple of hours earlier to bed. I wake up around midnight groggy and sleepy so i decide to get a cup of cold water.. In my grogginess i choose to head into the kitchen in complete darkness (Not a problem since i know it like the back of my hand) go to the cupboard reach in and get a cup and decide im to lazy to blow off any dust out. head to the water cooler (has a light) fill it and start savoring the refreshing cold water, about 2 seconds into it I start to feel this small tickle on the top of my lip. women would likely describe it as kissing a man with a mustache. I immediately put on what i can only imagine is the most mortified i have ever mustered and slam the cup on the kitchen table as i realize what **HAD** to be in there, eyes fully open heart pumping adrenaline throughout my body i snap the lights on and see a lone roach swimming in what is cold water and backwash. I couldn't sleep again after that
tltr; I messed up by not checking my cup before using it, and ended up **kissing a roach** that was in my water cup
My_comments_count: Let me direct you to one of my older posts: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1j4plq/tifu_by_not_finishing_my_coffee/
JmanFL: Huh don't know which is worst drinking for a while before realizing there is a dead roach there or a live one tickling the lip. I will not find out
My_comments_count: The worst part was that the roach still had all the tiny hairs on its leg so it stuck to my lip while i tried to shake it off. I think both ways a pretty traumatic.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1402590677 | 1402679513 | t3_27z4j8 | t5_2to41 | 194 | evs212: TIFU By Ripping My Lower Lip Off With An Ice Cream Spoon
A story from a few weeks ago but as the rules permit...
I had just finished moving into a new apartment and finally was sitting home alone. I wanted nothing more than to treat myself to some comfort food. ICE CREAM! I went to the store and bought a pint of chocolate ice cream and took it back home. I pulled a metal spoon out of my drawer and tried like hell to dig it into the ROCK SOLID FROZEN ice cream. I was NOT letting this Ice Cream get the best of me. Used All of my muscles to dislodge an amazing scoop. Put it directly in my mouth. Little did I know that the bottom of the frozen spoon had attached to my lower lip. Upon removing said spoon from my mouth it apparently completely ripped off many many many layers of skin. Due to the numbness of the cold spoon, I did not notice this until I realized massive amounts of blood were dripping down my chin. Then the most pain I have ever endured followed. Needless to say, I couldn't eat anything, let alone speak, for days. :(
[deleted]: Did you scream?^^sorry
[deleted]: He probably screamed for ice cream...
Arpikarhu: we all scream for ice cream
evs212: You guys are all awesome!
LAZODIAC: Am I awesome too?
I'll give you an Up-Vote...
evs212: You are the most awesome of all Laz!
LAZODIAC: Woohoo!
Did you hear that guys? HE SAID I'M THE MOST AWESOME!
| 8 | 24.25 | |
1402595156 | 1402595411 | t3_27zc6e | t5_2to41 | 2 | throwaway659874231: TIFU by hooking up with a girl
illlii: Seriously?
throwaway659874231: yeah :( I am not feeling so well right now
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1402595310 | 1402927560 | t3_27zcev | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by mistaking friends for Jehovah's Witnesses.
About 4-5 months ago I helped a neighbor do quite a bit of work around his house, as he was trying to sell it. We would frequently stand around and shoot the breeze like good neighbors/friends do. He eventually did sell the house and move out of the neighborhood. Today a man and woman parked their car in front of my house and began to get out. They both were dressed up like they were going to church. As soon as I saw that the man had some sort of paper in his hand I immediately thought to myself "JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES....fuck that". I waived them off and out of my yard through the glass door like a jackass. They politely smiled, ducked their heads and waved then drove away. I am an idiot. I realized that this was my old neighbor stopping by to say hello and catch up on things. To make matters worse, I think he was going to introduce me to his wife who was also getting out of the car. Maybe they were inviting me to a cookout or something. I feel pretty bad about this. I have gotten a new phone and lost his number. FML.
EDIT: I found their address and stuck a note in their door explaining what happened. So yea, I guess im not a COMPLETE asshole.
EDIT2: so I guess it wasnt my neighbor after all. He got my note and called me confused. HAHA JEHOVAS!!!!!!! I KNEW IT!!!!!
RedSox1978: Why don't Jehovah's Witness Protection Program have windows in their place of worship?
argyle_nqr: there are a few reasons:
1) it's more secure (harder to break into a building with no windows)
2) cheaper (walls are cheaper than windows)
PS: they were not always like this. a lot of the older ones have windows. It was about 10 years ago when most of the designs stopped having windows
PPS: JWs are a worldwide organization, and in some places with hot climates, they actually build open air buildings. (roofs only)
source: I used to be a JW, and was part of their volunteer construction force :)
RedSox1978: Thank you for the explanation!
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1402593681 | 1403069683 | t3_27z9nd | t5_2to41 | 21 | d510: TIFU by neglecting to practice safety with a utility knife. A 17 stitch lesson learned. With pics!
So last night (6/11) I was putting away my latest score from the hardware store: A utility knife that promised to actually open and close without binding. I've had a number of utility knifes that are total junk - most of the time the blades won't retract back into the safety position. And the blade release for swapping blades typically binds, making it even more junky.
This one was different - it was the chosen one.
I decided that the best course of action was to tinker with the blade release and try to swap out the fresh blade with a different one. Try it out - verify that my money was well spent.
I pressed the button gently and tugged on the blade as illustrated. The stubborn bastard refused to move at all. More force. Same result.
The image of Link pulling the Master Sword out of the stone was fresh in my mind, so with a final push of the button and pull on the blade, the blade was to be released.
Instead of releasing the blade from the handle of the knife, I released the knife from my grip. In a Game-of-Thrones-esque scene, the knife traveled through the fatty part of my palm, jumped out and re-entered for more fun in the crease on my thumb.
Suspecting that this wasn't a run of the mill injury, I applied pressure and gracefully waddled to the bathroom. I ran it under some water. That wasn't pleasant. Paper towel on. The quicker-picker-upper was soaked nearly instantly in blood. Second towel - same problem.
Upon examination of the wound, I found that I could see inside of my hand. Also, everything moved and I had sensation, so it couldn't have been all that bad. A quick Google search revealed that cuts on the hand that are deep enough to see fat should be stitched.
I packed myself into the SUV and drove with a purpose to the local ER (everything not-ER was closed, as this was 1AM in the morning). The ER was slow, so they got me in fast and the resident MD sewed me up with 17 stitches. First time getting stitched and honestly, it was pretty uncomfortable. I highly recommend avoiding stitches/cutting yourself.
Here are some gory pictures for your enjoyment:
http://imgur.com/a/6jVyD#0
tl;dr: I'm not Link and a utility blade isn't the Master Sword.
brows141: Can we see the utility knife that did that to you?
zdude51: Yes! Show us the bastard! Justice must be served!
d510: OP here - http://imgur.com/wQnkIdv
brows141: I had a feeling it was one of those. Never liked the looks of them for some reason. Are you planning on killing it with that .22?
d510: I really should!
| 6 | 3.5 | |
1402597910 | 1402673339 | t3_27zgub | t5_2to41 | 160 | Renegade_86: TIFU leaving my daughter in the van whilst I went to get my wallet
Today I took one of the work vans home due to having an early start. The van I got thankfully has Bluetooth built in so I paired my iPhone and got my music on shuffle as I drove home.
On the drive home I had a bit of Metallica, a bit of Alestorm and as I pulled up outside my house the stereo was blasting out We Will Rock You by Queen.
As I got in the house my 7 year old daughter immediately pleads with me to go get some ice cream from the supermarket because it's soooooo hot outside and she'll melt if she doesn't have ice cream.
I decide seeing as she has a point that I'll go get some and she can come with me. We get in the van, start it up and it starts where I left off with Queen.
I realise I've left my wallet in my bag in the house so tell her I need to go get it, she asks me to leave my phone so she can listen to the rest of Queen. Hell who am I to deny her of a chance to rock out so leave my phone as I run in to the house.
I grab my bag, check to see if we need anything else whilst we're out and then head back to the van. As I step out of the front door I see my daughter looking towards the house with a look of horror on her face. I rush to the van and as I open the door to see what's wrong I hear what song has come on after Queen...... Closer by Nine Inch Nails.
I try to change tracks but another "I wanna fuck you like an animal" escapes the speakers before I can silence it. The drive to the supermarket was silent and I now have the silent treatment off her mum.
My daughters words as I put her to bed "I don't like your music anymore Daddy"
f_unit: Look on the bright side, maybe she won't like ice cream anymore because she's associated it with this traumatic event. Might save you a few bucks, that stuff can get expensive.
Renegade_86: You sir are a genius. I never thought of it that way
magicfinbow: It may also deter her from ice cream and any other high sugary and fatty foods. No fat daughter!
| 4 | 40 | |
1402598213 | 1402602831 | t3_27zhea | t5_2to41 | 23 | GuardianEagle: TIFU by Dropping my Bong Bowl down the Drain
Last night I was giving my bong a good cleaning. About midway through the process I had to remove the stopper to the drain, because the dirty water wasn't draining very quickly and I didn't feel like driving into town to buy some drain-o. So, I removed the stopper to as temporary solution. I had finally finished cleaning the actual bong, and was about to start cleaning the bowl/stem. When I grabbed it, I fumbled the bowl and it ended up falling down the sink. I tried three hours to try to fish it out (hoping that it was too large to fall down too far), but it was beyond my reach. The really unfortunate part is that I live at home with my parents. So, if it does clog up the pipes not only will I have to call a plumber to fix my really idiotic folly, but my parents will find out as well.
taarzzan: Maybe try a wire hanger. Could increase your reach a bit
mythrowawayresponse: > Maybe try a wire hanger
... a novel concept indeed. A tool that has served by giving power and taking it away in one quick whisk.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1402598180 | 1402603359 | t3_27zhc4 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by turning down my manager
TIFU- okay so my manager and I have been good friends for awhile so we would hang out during our days off and it was no big deal. Well nothing between us had happened besides kissing a couple of times. He was promoted and we go out to celebrate, he takes this as an opportunity to ask me to be his girlfriend. I tell him no and explain to him I wouldn't feel comfortable going out with my boss. He gets angry and leaves. So all and all work is going to be awkward tomorrow and I might have gotten myself fired.
Jchamberlainhome: That is called sexual harrasment. He is in a position of authority and has abused it. Document it with HR ASAP.
photozine: > Well nothing between us had happened besides kissing a couple of times.
I really can't stand people doing this then complaining when things escalate.
Jchamberlainhome: It's okay to do this to a point. If she gets fired for rejecting his dating request, that's the issue.
photozine: Yes, I agree, and I also agree that women are extremely harassed at work (took a while to figure it out).
However, my problem is the same, don't cry wolf when you've been hanging out with it, because once she complains, he's gonna say they've been 'together' (whether is true or not, doesn't matter at this point), and that's gonna be more awkward.
Plus, he can say "She's the one that wanted to be with me, I said no and that's why she's saying what she's saying."
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1402602239 | 1402605253 | t3_27zo96 | t5_2to41 | 0 | 69username69: TIFU by growing tired of the bullshit.
Ok so it happened last weekend but shit hit the fan today.
I'm playing catch with my cousin who likes to be throw the ball like a douche and he throws it and breaks part of my aunts water fountain.
No structural damage just aesthetic, well I knew that I was moving out and that I didn't want to put up with more shouting and a crying 12 year old even though he brought it upon himself. So I say fuck it and tell him to keep quiet about it.
My aunt noticed today and is blaming me for not telling her about it.
I don't fucking know how not telling her about makes the entire thing my fault but it does.
This shit gets tiring.
Normally I would call out the bullshit and say "hey this is bullshit, if you loan your friend your car and he decides to rob a bank and use it as a get away car, without you knowing he would do that it isn't you fault now is it?"
But because it's family I'm expected to bow my head in shame and apologize.
I'm getting really tired of this shit.
JuleTS: Know why its your fault? Because you should have been mature and told your aunt that your cousin accidentaly broke it, hes twelve she should understand. But you told him not to say anything, YOU took charge of the situation, your cousin is twelve, because you decided not to say anything she is pissed at you. Your analogy is fucking stupid and doesnt make sense. A good example would be if "my kid broke your kids toy, but i dont tell you, you only realise later, you should be pissed at me not my kid"
69username69: This kid breaks everything. My aunt isn't replacing shit until he moves out. I told he many times to stop being a cunt and he wouldn't listen that is his fault he reaps what he sows. I'm sorry for not wanting to hear more screaming before I moved out.
| 3 | 0 | |
1402603030 | 1402609658 | t3_27zpnk | t5_2to41 | 11 | xPathos: TIFU by allowing my family to believe that I jerked off into my mom's Mother's Day gift.
When I was a 16 my girlfriend and I wanted to try out anal. She wanted lubricant, but neither of us wanted to go buy it. She stole some baby oil from her mom, it worked well, I loved it, she hated it, and we never tried it again. That is where the story should end, but not where it does end. In my 16 year old mind, baby oil wasn't really an illicit substance that I should hide with my stash of pot, condoms, and alcohol. It was just baby oil. We left it on my bed when we were done, and over the next couple months, it found its way under my bed. It was nearing Mother’s Day, and my brother went and bought some soft house slippers with gel inside of them as a gift for my mom; we split the cost, and he hid the slippers under my bed until Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day came, we gave her the slippers, and she liked them. Some time passed and my brother, mother, step-dad, and I are having dinner together. My step-dad has a few beers, and then just flat out brings up me using baby oil to jerk off into my mother’s slippers. I was completely stunned, and it took me a few seconds to realize my mother must have seen them next to the baby oil under my bed, and drawn an errant conclusion. I was so busy putting the pieces of the puzzle together, I didn’t have time to think of anything to say to save me from the damnation of having my family think I beat off into a gift for my mother. Normally I would just tell the truth, but in this case the truth meant admitting that I had used baby oil to ass fuck my girlfriend, and I wasn’t prepared for that truth to be out there. So I did the only thing I could, remained quiet, and suffered.
sadsax: You wouldn't have had to tell them the ass fucking bit, just ... nevermind. That situation is just really awkward and uncomfortable. Sorry.
xPathos: There were better responses than silence, but I was just so stunned. Couldn't think. Lol. Hopefully some people get a laugh out of my suffering!
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1402602123 | 1402605206 | t3_27zo0p | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to get fucked up
Yesterday I finished my first year at the university. The last month was academically challenging and nearly sucked the desire to live out of me. Having finished my finals I wanted nothing more than to get fucked up with my friends from back home.
In my country you have to 20 years old to be allowed to buy alcohol at liquor stores. I'm still only 19 and none of my friends had the time to do me a favor. As a consequence I desperately called up my cousin asking if she had any alcohol at home. She's out of town, but tells me that she has Malibu hidden in a pepsi bottle in one of her drawers (she's underage and her parents would be furious if they learned that she is a drinker) that I can pick up if I promise to get her vodka when she comes back. I'm really quite a beer kind of guy, but Malibu will have to do. After all I haven't ever tried it.
I head over to her house (she lives close by) and tell my aunt that I wanted to borrow a book from Jennie (my cousin). I head upstairs to her room and look in her drawer. I find a bottle which is three quarters full of milky liquid. It's a fanta bottle, but I assume that Jennie remembered wrong, put it in my bag and think no more of that. To maintain my cover I pick up "A Fault in Our Stars" and hold it visibly while I say good bye to my aunt.
Fast forward a few hours.
My parents insisted I eat out with them, and as a consequence I'm late to the party which is hosted by an acquaintance from high school. Most other people are tipsy by now. I find some old friends and start chatting with them. Realizing just how far behind I am when it comes to alcohol consumption, I excuse myself and grab a cup and fill it with Malibu. I don't like drinking spirits, so I decide to down it all at once. When the surprisingly viscous fluid runs down my throat I can feel a burning sensation, and the taste is just horrible. I can't even describe it. Perhaps it is best described as a combination of soap and vinegar.
I shout "This is not alcohol!" and run to the kitchen. I realize that it might be poison, and I try to vomit. I hate vomiting and I haven't ever managed to force myself to do it. I'm sticking my fingers far down my throat but nothing is helping. My friend has grabbed my bottle and walks up to me, sniffing it with a disgusted facial expression. "This is cum" he says. I KNOW that it isn't cum, but it is still enough to make me vomit.
I call up my cousin and ask what the hell it is that I have downed. She laughs hysterically and tells me that I must have taken the wrong bottle. She is studying to be a hair stylist and does a lot of hair work on her friends. This was hair bleach. I looked it up and apparently it contains quite a lot of hydrogen peroxide. I think my friend saved my health with his cum joke. I pretty much left immediately afterwards.
I'm sorry if it is not clearly written. I'm pretty tired since I didn't dare go to sleep until many hours after. I was quite shaken by the whole ordeal, and feared (irrationally, I know) that I'd die in my sleep.
TL;DR: I drank hair bleach. Friends told me it was cum. I vomited, he saved my life.
SirFailure: It's an ironic stroke of luck; drinking hydrogen peroxide induces vomiting.
Whobeyourdaddy: true, easiest way to get a dog to upchuck, hydrogen peroxide.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1402605838 | 1402614676 | t3_27zu87 | t5_2to41 | 17 | ohlookahipster: TIFU by blinding myself with detergent
I live in a small apartment, and my washer/dryer combo machine sits in a pocket-like alcove off my living room. Above the pocket-alcove is another pocket-alcove with a small water heater and plenty of extra storage.
I buy those massive jugs of Tide laundry detergent you've probably seen at the store with the double-stacked spouts. Yeah, that 15lb behemoth. I put it in the top alcove because it doesn't fit on the washer lid, and I like saving money so sue me for buying a fuckton of detergent at once. (Please don't).
Anyways, for years I always reach up, grab the cup, depress the trigger, and outflows soap cascading down into the cup. Cup contents get dumped into the washer, and my clothes get cleaned.
I always make a habit of never looking up when filling because soap has dripping onto my face in the past. But today I derped hard.
I looked up, pulled the cup away, and felt a small "plop"....right in my right eye.
The pain was instant. My eye clenched shut immediately. You know that pain you get when shampoo creeps into your eye? That's cute. Imagine it 100x worse. Somehow my instincts kicked in and I new I needed a wash station asap. I ran to the sink, turned on the cold, and pointed the hand-shower thing right at my eye.
Those of you who have done laundry know that detergent does not stop producing suds. It is the most defiant of the soaps in the soap kingdom. Here I am standing in my kitchen, clothes and floors soaked in water, and screaming bloody murder with laundry detergent bleaching my optic nerve.
To no avail, I ran into my shower, which has a huge overhead head (think man made rainstorm) and cranked it up to 11. Pain has a funny way of diluting time, so I have no idea how long I washed my eye out for.
I know that it took about an hour to get my eye to stay fully open. That happened at 9am, so I'm about 99% functional now.
TL;DR thought I lost my best eye and created a sea in my kitchen.
Kwiatkowski: Go see an eye doctor ASAP to prevent lasting damage.
shazaire: AGREED! You should either go to a walkin, emergency or eye doctor. The amount you described getting in your eye is no small amount.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1402609361 | 1402669829 | t3_27zzxz | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU By stalking my crush
This happened today in the morning. My crush takes the same walk everyday from work back home around afternoon. We saw each other two times before by walking right opposite to each other and smiling. Turns out she lives right beside me. So today I figured out I should make my move and decided to get clothed and ready.
So I waited for her and looked out from the window until I saw her, then went down as fast as possible and the moment I left my building's door our eyes noticed each other and it was like she was surprised that I live beside her. She kept walking and didn't stop so I didn't know how to make my move and she kept on going and didn't stop at her home so I decided like a stupid guy I am to follow her from a distance. I was acting like I was talking on my phone with headphones on and she kept looking backwards and started walking faster, the thing that I noticed after I ran home from embarrassment is that I followed her in a fucking kind of circle so it was impossible that our roads are the same, she did it on purpose!
I noticed that I was being creepy so I changed ways back home and won't leave my apartment for good.
BritishSonOfAGun: Knock on her door, come clean (not like that) and be genuine. In my experience, sharing all the details will probably make her feel relieved.
Voyager5555: > So I waited for her and looked out from the window until I saw her
Not sure how this would make any reasonable person feel relieved.
| 3 | 4 | |
1402610547 | 1402665509 | t3_2801q8 | t5_2to41 | 1,030 | Markramone138: TIFU by grabbing a strangers breasts in public
So it's lunch time and I decide to visit a local sub shop. I walk in and there a few folks at the various tables and one woman ordering at the counter. I get in line behind her, but as I walk up, I notice that she is quite beautiful by superficial male standards. As I wait behind her, I'm reading the menu above the counter and not paying attention at all to her ordering. Apparently, she realized that she left her purse in her car and couldn't pay. She tells the clerck she'll be right back, does a 180* and proceeds to walk straight.......into me.
Now remember, I wasn't paying attention. All I know is I was looking at the menu when I see a blonde whirl around in the bottom of my field of view. Sensing a collision, I put my hands up to protect myself. So there I am in the middle of the place with her before me and my hands full-on her breasts. It wasn't even like it was a brush. It was a brief moment of us looking into eachothers eyes while I held her breasts. (They were real and they were spectacular).
Now most people might vocalize their surprise with something like "I'm so sorry!" Or "oh my God!" All I managed to get out was "EH-EWWWWWWW!!!!" The entire resturant stopped and stared at the scene. She gave me the biggest WTF?!? look. After we regained our composure, she went around me.....and didn't come back. I, not knowing what else to do, proceeded to order. Maybe it's stuff like this that explains my current dry spell.
TL;DR: bumped into a woman. Accidentally grabbed her assets and screamed "Ew!" Whole world now thinks I'm gay.
Edit: there seems to be some curiosity about my appearance. Please accept Exhibit A
http://imgur.com/OkJgd9w
mythrowawayresponse: > looking into each others eyes while I held her breasts.
...
> All I managed to get out was "EH-EWWWWWWW!!!!"
**... and cut.** I am done with the Internet for today.
Markramone138: Thanks I feel so much better now!
Enghiskhan: You should've given her a creepy smile and dropped your pants. That might've made you feel better about the situation.
Bnlol1: And gotten you arrested
Markramone138: Handcuffs? I like where this is going. Giggidy giggidy goo
Bnlol1: Handcuffs, a restraining order, and a lot of court fees to pay. Doesn't sound very kinky to me, unless that's a weird fetish...
Which i am now sure it actually is
Bakilas: Oooh, tell me more about the [court fees!](http://i.imgur.com/CZBGF6b.gif)
gfy_bot: GFY link: [gfycat.com/MeagerHarmoniousCornsnake](http://gfycat.com/MeagerHarmoniousCornsnake)
---
^(GIF size: 887.21 kiB) ^| ^(GFY size:113.97 kiB) ^| [^(~ About)](http://www.reddit.com/r/gfycat/comments/1u5df2/made_a_gfy_bot_for_reddit_in_ruby_meet_ugfy_bot/)
| 9 | 114.444444 | |
1402614171 | 1402638146 | t3_2807mj | t5_2to41 | 13 | jonge_20: TIFU I might have lost my best Friend(f) because I(m) made a stupid move
Well let me start of by giving some backstory, we both started college last year. The moment we met there was this bond we had, like we've know each other for years. But i'm not the kind of guy that instantly goes to a girl and go for the 'move'. So the first week there were some parties from school which we attended and we got drunk. But she is pretty flirty and she got to know another guy. (at this point we weren't as close tho) So she went for the guy and kept seeing me as a good friend. As things went on we spent more and more time together, thing were great ad all, but we got more and more feelings for each other. So one night when we were both drunk we kissed. Not that big of a deal but hey, for me it was :P
Since then things went pretty stable, she had her boyfriend we had our little secret and everything was fine. We lived our lives like best friends.
Here comes the the part where things go a little wrong, she isn't always mentally stable which sometimes is really hard to deal with. But I always put up with it and try and make it better, sometimes she hates me for the evening but the next day everything will be fine again and she wont even remember we had a fight.. which is kinda creepy but I love her and I don't wanna let her go out of my life.
Lately things have been shifting, she has someone besides me and her BF which she got a really strong connection with. Which is fine because he helps her with her mental state(He studied pshychology) so that isn't too big of a deal you would say, but as flirty as she is she sometimes goes a little too far in my eyes, and she knows that I don't like that and thats why things have been shifting. She keeps telling me and herself things are fine, he is like a rock to her and she only speaks with him on a friendly level, even though I highly doubt this sometimes.. but I just got to live with it because we both have our own lives to live.
So since she spent so much time with him we are kinda growing apart in my eyes, but she keeps telling me she rather spends time with me than him. But her bodylanguage tells me different.
Well on to the reason why I post this and why I want this off my heart.
We've had this bond for like a year now, we are kinda sexually attracted to each other, so we skype sometimes we sexted and sometimes we give kisses. But lately she hasn't had this feeling anymore, but as flirty as she is she still makes me horny with the things she does to me. She knows my weakspots so she uses those. So i was thinking these feelings were still a 2 way direction, but they were not..
One day we had a great night at a friends house, it was a big sleepover party. Me and her had this little 'private' room where we slept with someone else. Since we were all a bit drunk we started massaging each other since it was a long and tiring day. Then when we went to bed I slightly kissed her in her neck, just for the Fck of it, because I love her.
But to figure out the day after that she did NOT like that at all was pretty heartbreaking. She just feels uncomfortable around me at the moment, which is a hard thing to live with since we had such a close bond. Friends keep telling me things will be okay after a couple of days, but at the moment it feels like I lost her forever..
TL;DR Met a girl one day, we were soulmates from the start. We got feelings for eachother, she was feeling pretty down lately, I gave her a kiss on the neck one day and since then things are not like they used to be..
ihadagoodusername: Bleh you sound like you are just the back up plan. First off friends don't do sexual things and try to turn their buddy on. Friends support their friends to go hit on someone else and have fun. So she is leading you on, but it seems like she doesn't want other people to "KNOW" she is leading you on. Thats why she pulls out the friend card on you.
Find someone else that will appreciate you. One thing that FASCINATED me was that I was a good guy, but sometimes relationships just wouldn't work. So even though we split I would often get old flames talking to other girls about how good I was and it would often end up starting a new relationship with someone else. Find a girl that will enjoy you, appreciate you, and who will help you with your future... Not just drag you along.
Jesse1322: I agree with all of the above, but I also kind of feel like if he had been up front with her from the beginning, then it may have turned out different. He said he doesn't like making the move, but most girls expect that. If you're not going to be up front with her, you can't blame anyone but yourself when she moves on and you don't get what you want.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1402614557 | 1402618692 | t3_280898 | t5_2to41 | 13 | sportsziggy: TIFU by almost being set on fire
Let me preface this by saying that I'm kinda bending it by saying "Today I got Fucked Up" but here's how it went down.
Being good Pennsylvanian's that we are, my dad and I decided to try and burn dead tree branches. Keep in mind that it down poured and was still very damp and even feels damp out. I told my father this but he shook it off being the know-it-all he is.
We bent and broke all the sticks down so it would fit on top of our little fire pit. I got some matches and gasoline and spread the gasoline on top of all the branches. Lit the match from ~5 feet away and threw it, failed, tried again, failed (match kept going out because of the distance). So I stepped up, tossed it and and AHHHHHHHHHH!
Just kidding it didn't happen.... yet...
It went up as I jumped backwards to safety. Just like I thought, however, the thing refused to stay lit. My dad, being the stubborn man he is, decided to grab the gasoline while it was still burning a bit. I warned him to let it die down before he threw it on, fully aware of what could happen (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vo6JP9DdI4w).
He threw it on and turned away violently without capping the top, spewing out gasoline while I'm sitting in a chair ~4 feet away. The fire spews down the gasoline line and straight up to my now gasoline soaked shorts. As quickly as I could I jumped out of my shorts faster than when I'm with my girlfriend and luckily saved my dangly bits from getting charred.
TLDR; Fire... fire... pants on fire.
Bigblack724: Thats funny im from PA aswell, but anywho glad nothing serious happened.
sportsziggy: Thanks man it was a real eye opener.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1402617947 | 1402633799 | t3_280d3k | t5_2to41 | 145 | jaminjamesp: TIFU by letting my gf do my laundry.
My girlfriend is an amazing woman. After I worked 36 hours in the last 3 days, she volunteered to do my laundry so I could simply relax today. Needless to say I took her up on her offer. I gathered every last piece of relevant clothing I could find and sent it home with her when she left my place.
Today I woke up and had to get lunch, my stomach was screaming for Chipotle. But I literally had nothing to wear, all my clothes were at my girlfriends.
In a moment of desperation I pulled out a pair of cargo shorts that had been hiding in the back of my closet. I put them on. I battled the shame. And I got my fucking Chipotle.
Then it got really bad.
At the cash register I realized that I could easily drop my phone in the right cargo pocket, while my keys slid ever so nicely in the left cargo pocket. My reciept and change went into my right front pocket, and all the while none of the pockets felt cramped.
It got even darker.
When I got out to my car, it was unbelievably easy to find my keys in that big roomy pocket. So much easier than fishing them out of my fitted trousers. I sat down and started the car when I realized I hadn't take my phone out of my pocket. But there was no pressing my feet into the floorboard while I lifted my ass out of the seat, jamming my hand down that skinny pocket to fetch my phone. I didn't even have to adjust. I just reached down into the vastness of that cargo pocket and retrieved it.
I don't really know how to feel right now. I'm still wearing the cargo shorts, fully aware that as a 31 year old man with a fairly decent grasp on modern mens apparel, I should never be seen in such attire outside of an active theater of war. But I can't bring myself to take them off quite yet. They're so roomy. And so fucking convenient. An oddly comfortable.
dark days.
[deleted]: Wait what..I live in Florida and half of the shorts I have are cargo shorts. When did they suddenly go out of style? Do you expect me to go outside in 95 degree weather wearing jeans?
Eclectrical: ^ This. I have a confuse.
ChancellorOfDoom: FL here. They make shorts that are NOT cargo?
mrb11n: Current FSU student. Theres a difference between [Cargo Shorts](http://www.adventureswiththreegirls.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Cargo-Shorts-for-Men.jpg) and [Khaki Shorts](http://www.oldnavy.com/products/res/thumbimg/mens-khaki-shorts-10-a-stones-throw.jpg). Cargo is definitely out of style, most people wear khaki shorts.
JasonZX12R: As a over 30 resident of FL I wear the apparently out-of-style cargo shorts all the time. Way too convenient since I carry multiple phones for work and always have something that I have to end up carrying with me.
Plus its super awesome for working on projects around the house.
mrb11n: I know they're convenient, and didn't mean it in any bad way. It's just all my friends I know and most people on campus don't wear the cargo shorts. I usually wear basketball shorts haha
JasonZX12R: Hah, I do have some basketball shorts, but usually only wear them around the house. I am too old to be rocking that look anymore.
mrb11n: I always hit the gym after class so its easier that way. And they're just so comfy haha
| 9 | 16.111111 | |
1402620307 | 1402685126 | t3_280gl8 | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU and sneezed.
This is my first post on reddit ever and it happened a few moments ago. I get frequent nosebleeds because of stupid things like getting punched in the face or punching myself in the face or walking into things but today's was different, I got what the only name I can think of is a "pressure" nose bleed where the pressure in the atmosphere causes a nosebleed for some reason. So when this happened I neglected to notice the blood from my nose because it has been blocked because of hay fever and only really noticed when it was seeping across my lips. In the second I noticed I was having said nose bleed I sneezed. Blood has gone everywhere covering my laptop, everything on my desk (including all my college work that's printed off) my clothes and my phone and there won't be any pictures of this because it looks like a murder scene.
Quick sum up: Got a nose bleed- Sneezed coating so much stuff with blood it looks like a whale blew up in here- all my coursework is ruined & i now have to clean a phone and laptop (i'm working around the blood right now)
mmmpapilikes: Insanity Wolf- Turn in all of your work, and smile/wink at your professors when you turn them in.
ZANY_ALL_CAPS_NAME: \>2014
\>le maymays
Seriously?
Agent_545: Using 'le maymays', however sarcastically, is infinitely more cringy than referencing a meme.
ZANY_ALL_CAPS_NAME: Oh no, Im scared, I might get memed, your anonymous buddies are gonna get me arent they?
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1402620524 | 1402711986 | t3_280gxb | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by walking into the bathroom
My family is visiting this weekend from out of state, and they are staying in my house, so I was sitting around and my Aunt tells me "would you grab something out of my bag in the bathroom and I say "sure". I go into the bathroom and see that the lights are OFF and open the UNLOCKED door, and what do I see? Well I see my cousin with down's syndrome sitting on the toilet naked from the waist down playing with his ipad. So, like any sane person would do, I close the door scream and run away. My aunt hears this and wants to know whats up, so I tell her and she gives me this whole "he has the same equipment as you" crap. I tell her "just because he has the same equipment doesn't mean I want to see his" and she is shocked to hear me say this. She then goes on to tell me "at least it wasn't a girl's junk".
heat_it_n_beat_it: she thinks you are gay....
Scoey-t: Lol no she's a hardcore Christian, the thought of having a gay nephew would repulse her.
heat_it_n_beat_it: so why did she seem to imply you would be repulsed by seeing female genitals?
Scoey-t: Good question.
heat_it_n_beat_it: sounds kind of weird that she would think you would be more at ease seeing genitals you already have.... I for one would rather see a woman ( I am a man) than a dude nekkid...
| 6 | 1.5 | |
1402621269 | 1402891793 | t3_280i0f | t5_2to41 | 47 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my reddit account signed in on a public computer.
I had to finish up some stuff today at my college, and I went to the bathroom and left the computer signed in. That's my first mistake. I walk out of the bathroom a few minutes later, and see that someone is at my computer. I thought nothing of this, as after three minutes of inactivity the computer automatically signs out, so I assumed this had happened. A few hours later, I go back to my reddit after I get a few assignments done to find that the person had not only written a big ass past about me having incestual relations with my sister, even though I haven't. He also made me seem o be a 2o-something man living independently, while in reality I am an 18 year old woman living with my dad. This made me sad, because some of the comments were actual concern for me. Here is a pic of the story.
http://i.imgur.com/nA0m4l7.jpg
prash10: > while in reality I am an 18 year old woman living with my dad.
At the bottom of the attached picture you mentioned that you are an 18 year old kid living with **his** dad.
sameoldnigga: something smells fishy about this
DrScrambledEggplants: OP is a filthy liar
| 4 | 11.75 | |
1402612612 | 1402657274 | t3_28053l | t5_2to41 | 14 | Lonlelyguy22: TIFU by falling for a girl
First post here. I've been seeing a girl (lets call her Ashley) for the better part of 2 weeks. Known her for just over a year and I really fancied her the first time I laid eyes on her. Although at that time she had a bf so I never said anything. Fast foreward to 3 weeks ago and I'm out at a local bar with my friends was having a great time and as we were about to leave I see Ashley sitting there with her friends. So I do what any self respecting drunk man that has had a crush on a girl and see's her would do, I asked her for her number so we could catch up.
Fast foreward to the Thursday after that weekend. I had been psycing myself up to ask her out on a date (big step for me as I have a bad fear for rejection). I asked her to go out wih me on Saturday night to see a movie and she said yes. I was over the moon! We started texting every day and hanging out casually just as friends to catch up (lost contact since last summer). Date went fantastic had a really awesome time. Pretty much humg out wih her every day last week. I was falling for her hard.
Monday of this week we went out for a drive in my car at around 1am. Stopped in a carpark so I could get out and strech my legs and compose myself to tell her how I felt about her. She told me that she had sort of guessed this was coming and said she can't really give me an answer right now. I said stupidly that we can continue on as friends and see how things go.
We hungout again on Tuesday night and I was nervous as hell but she just acted like nothing had happened. I should have seen it then instead of getting my hopes up, but im too much of a gulliable idiot to see whats going on.
Completely ignored my texts yesterday and today i asked her if she wanted to hangout she said she was busy. So I asked her if we were still going out this Saturday to which she didn't reply. No big deal right? WRONG!!! Just as I was about to go to bed I get a snapchat from her. She is wih some other guy. Cosying up on the couch together. Guess we'll have to take a rain check on that date....
I just feel like I've been taken for an absolute mug right now.
TL;DR girl I liked took my feelings and shoved them right where the sun don't shine....
devals: So she let you know what was up by sending you a pic of her and her new guy? The only thing to do here is laugh. "Oh, nvm didn't know you were a bitch haha"
Man, what a bitch move. Maybe respond with something a liiittle less volatile, since it sounds like the guy might have put her up to it, and someone like that is just looking for drama.
Lonlelyguy22: The guy sent the snapchat not her. More pissed off about the way i found out, if she had come out and said it herself it wouldn't have been as bad...
patriotperry: The guy is just a dick, and probably he was playing with her phone as she was away or something and sent the snap.
But move on, have fun.
Lonlelyguy22: Possibly, most of her friends are guys, but aren't in my circle of friends so i have no idea who the guy was...
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1402622819 | 1402657295 | t3_280kaq | t5_2to41 | 102 | TheHolyHerb: TIFU by not checking the settings on my new phone
So yesterday i get a galaxy s5 and then went to the bar because after 4hrs at verizon i needed a drink. Well i ended up hooking up with this chick ive known awhile but never banged well we go back to my place and have a fun evening, well sometime during the night we were taking pictures... no big deal right. Well i work in IT at a company i helped my boss/friend get started and this morning im awaken to a call from him saying he needed some screen shots i had taken yesterday. Now this is pretty early like 9:30am and i just finished a wake-n-bake then a little morning fun time and i didnt want to deal with work, especially with this chick over. So i just tell him to jump on my computer and find them in my google drive. Well i forgot to uncheck a setting and had my photos on my phone set to sync with drive. He gets on there while im still on the phone with him and he just starts dying. Im like OMG what did he find and then hes like "so you think i could borrow those cuffs". Now at this point im just speechless, as i hear him click through every single one. I wasnt really mad though i just had a suffer through a day of ridiculous jokes.
TL;DR - I let google steal my photos and then share my homemade porn with my boss.
sparta_reddy: that's why you use Dropbox for private stuff.
arkindal: The phone was new and the setting were on default you goofball.
sparta_reddy: default settings doesn't upload shit to Google Drive unless you opt for it goober...
arkindal: [Woops.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sC75aU47GRk)
| 5 | 20.4 | |
1402623995 | 1402625344 | t3_280lys | t5_2to41 | 5 | Ejaculatesonwall: TIFU by overtraining, followed by a VIGOROUS masturbation session. [NSFW]
WPBDoc: This isn't the fiction section, dude.
arte_nm: Still good read. Made me giggle...
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1402624326 | 1402674583 | t3_280mew | t5_2to41 | 13 | Hockeyguy33: TIFU by messing with my friends RFID wristband...
TIFU:
Ok, so a RFID wristband is one that they use at music festivals and looks like this... http://i.ebayimg.com/00/s/NjAwWDYwMA==/z/Pb8AAOxyEqNTl2U8/$_35.JPG
So the problem I have is I tried the wristband on, but didn't realize it cannot be loosened once it has been tightened. I managed to slip it off but it doesn't fit on my friends wrist and in the festival rules the wristband must be on the person's wrist or they are not allowed in (security reasons). So now I most likely will have to pay for a new one which is well over $200 and I don't have a job. Is it possible to loosen it in any way? Any ideas to help loosen it would mean a lot.
TL;DR - I fucked up hard and am most likely going to have to spend money I don't have because I was an idiot.
mythrowawayresponse: there's usually quite a few ways to safetly unlock the locking mechanisms that is locking the band as it slips past the notches... another trick is to get a band that matches and then fold the legit band in half and then attach the second fake part around the other half... no one notices it and it fits the rules in case caught... [**HERE'S AN ARTIST RENDERING**](http://i.imgur.com/jYapmh9.png)
Hockeyguy33: Can you provide any links to unlocking the mechanism? I looked around but couldn't find anything. I appreciate the response.
mythrowawayresponse: Usually it is a slim flat piece of spring steel (like the pieces you find on the ground from a street cleaner - you may need to make it thinner with sandpaper) that just slips over the locking teeth... if you look carefully you should see it working. By carefully and slowly slipping in the 'shim' you can cover the teeth while slowly tightening about a millimeter and once the teeth get covered you can pull the wristband part straight out so it's like it was before you tightened it.
Once you understand how it is locking the band you can just bypass it with the shim.
[**Here's a video that may help you understand the concept**](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOxu_geF9gg) even though it's on handcuffs the mechanism should be similar.
Hockeyguy33: I will try it out tonight and post an update if anything works. Thanks again for trying to help!
mythrowawayresponse: Sure thing - it should totally work - this is something I'm actually good at doing... <evil laugh>
| 6 | 2.166667 | |
1402625006 | 1402637931 | t3_280ncz | t5_2to41 | 14 | donut_eater: TIFU by locking my best friends car while we were driving
I had noticed for a while that whenever I would exit my friend's car he would reach across the passenger seat to lock my door by hand even though his car had power locks. So today while we were driving from Krispy Kreme to Starbucks I asked him, "How come you don't lock your doors like this," and I pressed the power lock button.
He told me that for some reason when he locked the driver's side door, the car alarm would randomly go off, so his family just never looked that door any more. He would still lock the other doors just in case a thief tried the other doors and gave up.
We arrived at Starbucks, and as soon as he turned off his engine the car alarm started going off. It hadn't occur to either of us that I had locked the driver's door earlier. He tried turning the engine back on because that's what usually makes the alarm stop, but it didn't even crank. He says "it'll stop eventually," and we went inside to get our coffee.
When we came back outside the alarm had stopped, but it started up again as soon as we opened the door. The engine still does not start, and we sit in the car with the doors closed until the alarm stops again. The engine stilllll does not start.
We call his family to try to get a ride, but they come with the intention of trying to help us start it. The car alarm will not stop unless the doors are closed, and every time we open them it starts up again. So while we oblige his family trying to jump the car we all have to deal with several more ear splitting minutes.
When the jump didn't work, we finally ended up just removing the battery from the car and calling it a day.
Tl:dr: Today I bricked my friend's isuzu rodeo by locking the doors.
mybeardisawesome: It seems that your friend or his family no longer have the key fob for the alarm. Did they ever think of taking the alarm out of the car? Or buying a new key fob and having it programmed?
donut_eater: The problem was that even with the alarm fob they could not get it to stop acting up.
mybeardisawesome: So have it taken out of the car?
11235813__: The fob is probably an immobilizer as well. In which case if it was like my old Lancer there is a code to turn the immobilizer off without the fob consisting of a series of key turns in the ignition, like an old safe. the code would be in the back of his user manual
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1402623184 | 1402629336 | t3_280ksx | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting to delete a dirty picture on both my main album AND my photostream
Photo stream lied to me about there not being dirty pictures on my ipad which I gave to my aunt. It put the picture in the middle of the album, not towards the end where I would have seen it after I deleted the original picture off my ipad album. I assumed it didn't make it to photo stream for some reason but I was wrong.
HopelessSemantic: There's a picture of my husbands junk with a measuring tape around it on the tablet that got stolen recently
I hope it got stolen by a man who looks at the picture and feels really bad about himself.
Wromo: As if stealing dick pictures wasn't bad enough...
HopelessSemantic: Well, they shouldn't have stolen my tablet! It's only fair that I hope they develop some sort of complex because of it.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1402629301 | 1402883465 | t3_280tda | t5_2to41 | 66 | canipaybycheck: Fuckup Friday: What's your biggest fuckup during a competition?
This is your opportunity to share your great, interesting, and original fuckup stories along this theme:
"How have you fucked up in any competition?"
EnjoyingtheSilence: I debate. I was in a semi-final round for a state competition and my opponent was using evidence that generally was applied to the opposite side of what he was arguing. I was rather confused, and accidentally started arguing for his side during a refutation speech. After wasting 40 seconds of my 4 minutes to defend my case and refute his, I realized I screwed up. I apologized and weakly attacked his point, but realized I wasted an entire minute on a singular subpoint and that no matter what I did, I looked like a total idiot. Still managed to pick up 2 out of 3 ballots, don't know how that one happened, but a girl from my school who generally mentored me was watching and her face fell and she looked like she was going to cry.
Bonus, not my fuck up, but a kid I was against in another break round at a different (local) tournament said that my logic justified the holocaust and that my case paved the way to genocide. He did not win.
ssjkriccolo: Debate teams always sounded like such a fun activity. I looove to argue. The only one I ever looked into... All they did was discuss politics. It was such a total bummer.
EnjoyingtheSilence: Debate is pretty fantastic. :) And, the political aspect depends on the type of debate you do. One of the types I do (I do two) is based pretty heavily in philosophy. We talk a lot about justice and morality. :)
ChudStudley: What type do you do? I used to be pretty good at Lincoln-Douglas debate and extemp.
EnjoyingtheSilence: I do Lincoln-Douglas and Congressional. I started with Congress, and then was put into LD. I love Congressional, it's a blast, but prefer LD. My school, though, doesn't really compete nationally for LD since we're taught NOT to spread (something I'm cool with, I'd rather convince people with my words than overwhelm them). What's extemp like? We don't have it. (We have LD, Congress, and PF)
Edit: rephrased some stuff
ChudStudley: Congress was all right, just not for me. I spread, but I agree that I like to use my words rather than overwhelm. Extemp is pretty fun, though the preparation for it sucks. If you're not prepared, it's gonna be a bad time for everyone involved.
I just realized I didn't answer the question. Extemp is where you compile articles for a bunch of stuff in the news, just headlines in general. Then you get a random topic and have to talk about for the allotted amount of time. Hence why you need to prepare a lot. It was pretty high maintenance, so I preferred LD, but extemp was still fun to do every once in a while.
EnjoyingtheSilence: Sounds pretty fun! I don't think extemp would be for me though, haha. I mean, Congress is improvised speaking which I have no issues with, but at least you have SOME background info on the topics and have research for specific points. I research and prep pretty slowly, pulling together points quickly would be a nightmare for me.
I tried spreading like twice (practice, not a tournament), but realized that a) not only would my coach kill me, but b) I can't do it without tripping up, hahaha. On my local circuit, people don't usually spread. I hit one spreader, but that was at a whole state competition. Did you have any experience with Public Forum at all? My coach was going to maybe have me try it for a tournament, and I'm pretty curious about it.
ChudStudley: I agree with your points on extemp and congress. I have done PF, and I just thought it was like LD but with a partner. I haven't done much, but that was my basic impression on it.
EnjoyingtheSilence: Oh, ok! Cool! I was going to be paired with another LDer, so we should be fine then. :) God, I'm looking forward to next season! :D
ChudStudley: I dot debate anymore, so I may be a bit rusty. Have fun on the season and may you do the best you can!
EnjoyingtheSilence: Thanks so much! :D And, thanks for answering a bunch of questions, it's appreciated greatly. :)
ChudStudley: It's no problem, glad to help in any way I could!
| 13 | 5.076923 | |
1402624815 | 1402650440 | t3_280n3w | t5_2to41 | 14 | Winter-Stardust: TIFU by losing track of my income.
Dammit, thought I had $30 for the rest of the month. Only have $2.99. Well, at least I can afford a snack or something. Yeesh, how the hell I did this I'll never figure out.
toiski: I know that feel dude. Hey, PM me your PayPal and I'll wire you 20$. Seriously.
Winter-Stardust: Holy shit, seriously? I'll have to get a friend's paypal account in the morning. Dude, I can't thank you enough. I got a mega doc's appointment coming on the 18th and was fretting about how in the hell to pay for gas. It was either cancel the trip or no food for a while (did that even make sense? I'm so tired right now). Again, thanks.
Jesse1322: Aww you two are cute together. Seriously, reddit is a unique place.
patriotperry: Where 20 bucks can buy a life-time internet friendship!
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1402635459 | 1402664627 | t3_281126 | t5_2to41 | 75 | abused__tampon: TIFU by walking into my friends little brothers bedroom
Bwjjwb: Only fuck up is not doing something about it but it's not to late to fix
abused__tampon: What should I even do?
Sma144: If your story is legit, you should tell the kid's parents. He needs therapy and the dog needs a new home.
abused__tampon: it is definitely legit
idontsmoke420: don't bother telling his parents. just talk to that boy with his older brother and tell him that the thing he did was not good for the dog. if you tell his parents, then that boy's life will get fucked up. just inform him that that act is immoral and he should not do it again.
Nowhere_Man_Forever: > he's only 15 though
I don't know about you, but at age 15 I definitely knew that fucking animals was wrong. I feel like if you're 15 and can't figure that one out by yourself there are deeper issues there.
idontsmoke420: yeah but maybe that boy is confused on something. it doesnt mean that if hes 15 then he already can figure out that fucking animals is wrong. there could be something that bothers that kid. maybe he saw a porn similar to the act he did and tried it for some reasons. its a proper guidance of his brother that he needs. not his parents because parents will over react to this kind of things. you know, its more comfortable if the brother will confront the kid than his parents.
Nowhere_Man_Forever: Jesus Christ! How impressionable do you think 15 year olds are? Sure it's young but do you honestly think that the average 15 year old wouldn't be repulsed by the idea of having sex with an animal? Hell bestiality porn is one of those things you pretty much have to actively seek out, so I don't buy that explanation. Even if most 15 year olds saw besriality porn tbey would probably be more disgusted than anything. You do realize that 15 is not 12 or 10 or anything, right?
idontsmoke420: aight. you are my god now.
| 10 | 7.5 | |
1402635598 | 1402709048 | t3_28118s | t5_2to41 | 7 | Futuramafryday: TIFU by crashing my car into a parked car
So, today after a 14 hour shift, I sleepily drove home. Made it all the way to my front door when I heard POOSH honk honk honk. I looked back and my lancer was sticking out the back of a ford pickup. I clapped my hand to my head and screamed "What happened!" I ran to my car, and realized I forgot to put on the e brake (for stick shifts you have to put on your e brake, or your car will drift off). Long story short, today I fucked up
agentbarron: Do you not put it in gear? I'm confused I never use my e-brake and I drive a stick
Futuramafryday: I don't, most people put it in gear with no e brake but I don't put it in gear and use my e brake. My grandpa always told me to do it that way, even though it's probably wrong
agentbarron: Grandpas are always know best :p
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1402637279 | 1402672572 | t3_28132q | t5_2to41 | 25 | Calabration: TIFU by asking my friend to stay the night.
So this happened a couple days ago, but it blew up today.
I went through a time of deep depression, my older friends moved onto college, and those who didn't move on to college, just left. I was left with one true friend. Him and I hung out all the time, but I was still in high school and he graduated but was waiting to be deployed into the marines.
Him and I work in our high school's drama department doing the technical things: lights, sound, etc. Our musical was coming up and we spent a lot of time with these two girls that him and I started crushing on. Mine didn't work out, but his did.
I started to get to know the girl he was after, and we became really good friends. During this time, my friend had told my director that I was anti-social and my director sent out to fix that. I suddenly started having friends again, including one of my best friends that I had reconciled with after having a falling out.
Needless to say, my friend went on the back burner, as I talked to his girlfriend and got to know her, and hanging out with the other friends I had made all of a sudden.
This brings me to this week. I was talking to his girlfriend over text late one night and she told me she was easier to "real talk" with (talking seriously and talking about problems with each other). So I suggested that she spend the night some night. She thought it would be a great idea.
I had no intention to sleep with her, or take advantage of her, I would like to make that clear. She is like a sister to me now that I have gotten to know her.
Days passed, enter today.
We all decided to go into the city and hang out at the mall. He was going to meet up with us half-way through the day, because he had work. When he got there, they got all romantic and such, then she went to go shopping for clothes in one of the stores. I brought up the spending the night idea to him (I went through a situation similarly last summer where a girls girlfriend was hanging around me too much without me telling him and they both hated me by the end of it). He said it was fine, but something was a little off.
Later that night, I texted her because she was supposed to come over to figure out how to sneak her into my house. She said that he wasn't comfortable with it, and it was a no-go.
Turns out, they both were thinking that I was trying to steal her from him. I wasn't but it hurt. I have spent the last 3 hours or so trying to fix it, but the evidence is against me. Also, I made it seem like I wanted nothing to do with him
Me telling her to spend the night, dropping him, becoming good friends with her so fast. None of it was intentional. But it was all true, I told her and him that I find her attractive, but I find her like a sister.
I was digging a deeper hole, and it was getting even deeper.
Now he probably thinks I hate him, and want to steal his girl, and want nothing to do with him. This was my best friend, he was there when no one else was, and this is my fuck up. Hurting my friendship with him and making everyone think that I just wanted her. All because I wanted to have a sleepover with her, which for some reason didn't put up any red flags when I thought of it.
TL;DR: Made it seem like I wanted to break my best friend up with his girlfriend by asking her to stay the night.
P.S. If any of those two read this post, this is a formal apology put on reddit, so you know I mean business. I'm really sorry and never planed to hurt either of you, or your relationship. I hope we can move past this, but I totally understand if you want to move away from me for a little bit.
Sorry if this is all over the place, this is my first post on reddit.
tishstars: "I had no intention to sleep with her, or take advantage of her, I would like to make that clear. She is like a sister to me now that I have gotten to know her."
Sorry man, but you sound like you're completely in denial, and are actively trying to steal her from your friend. Most platonic friendships don't involve sleepovers. It's in our nature to become overly friendly.
xaronax: OP has severe autism and is unable to function socially.
Shitmybad: Thanks doctor.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1402638753 | 1402669585 | t3_2814l2 | t5_2to41 | 46 | Neil2684: TIFU by trying to be a good guy and got punched in the face
I'm a white van man and I try to dispel the myth that we're all assholes. I was driving home yesterday from work when I saw two guys walk into the road to cross, thinking here's an opportunity to earn some real life karma I slowed down to let them cross and eventually came to a stop and raised my hand to wave them across ( they were stood in the middle of the road anyways ).
As I've stopped one of them walks up to my window which was down because it was hot as shit and without saying a word punches me straight in the face!
I dont know why i didn't just drive off at that point but my instant reaction was to ask "Are you ok?" He looked at me a bit odd and without thinking I smashed my door open into his face and drove off in a panic.
I don't know what his intentions were, was he trying to jack my piece of crap van, was he just being an asshole or did he find the fact I was letting him cross the road safely an insult? I settled on he was just being a fucking moron, he hit like a child too, It didn't hurt at all but I have a bit of of bruise on my cheekbone.
TLDR: slowed down to let man across road, he came over and punched me in the face.
tishstars: Agreed that you should've gotten out and beat the ever loving shit out of him, then report it to the police as self-defense, which it technically is
[deleted]: Self defence can only be used in a situation of great danger and only with an equal or less force than the attacker - at least in my country. Since OP said the guy punched like a pussy he wasn't allowed to payback. In fact hitting the guy with the door of the van reversed the situation.
[deleted]: Nah he was allowed to payback, ie he could have punched him back.
The fact that he may have more or less strength than his foe doesnt come into it when the act and intention are the same, at least not when i studied law.
[deleted]: Well i don't know anything about US law, but in my country it depends on the kind of force the attacker uses. If he uses a knife, you are allowed to punch him or defend yourself with a knife or something similar, you may also use enough force to stop him from doing you harm, however you are not allowed 'get out and beat the ever loving shit out of him'. The action with the door was totally legitimate depending on how hard you hit him.
[deleted]: I think perhaps i didnt make myself clear.
By "Payback" i dont mean beating the ever loving shit out of him, i meant returning precisely the force that had been applied to him. He got punched in the face, he has the right to punch his assailant back in the face so long as he reasonably anticipates bodily harm may continue to himself or another if he does not.
My post was more about the fact that you appeared to indicate that because the assailant punched like a pussy, OP couldn't throw a right hook at him because the force would be greater. The court wont usually make account of that between 2 normal healthy males except in fairly rare exceptions say if OP was trained in martial arts etc.
I would be fairly confident you could argue the door was indeed legitimate, but it could be interpreted as having brought a weapon into it
Disclaimer: UK law, IANAL, Source: What i remember from the Offences against the person module of my law degree
[deleted]: Yeah i'd agree on that but some attackers might say that because of the door-to-the-face THEY were in danger instead of the original victim, of course this wouldn't make a difference in many cases but still - if you'd slam the door hard enough some douche might feel dared to try and sue him. Sounds stupid but wouldn't surprise me.
| 7 | 6.571429 | |
1402638925 | 1402715308 | t3_2814qw | t5_2to41 | 54 | OriginalGinge: TIFU by joking about a school shooting that happened at my school
I am sitting in my dorm room just three days after a tragic shooting. Everyone is shaken up, myself included. My friend comes into my room, and we begin to talk about the shooting, wondering how we were holding up, and just generally talking about how to deal with the safety of our school being violated by a direct act of violence.
We began discussing how life would continue in the next week. With finals coming up the next week, we were really ramping up to the end of the year. Though after the events that last week, the feeling on campus was a very somber one. He mentioned how since one of his finals had been cancelled, he wanted to figure out something fun to do as to end the year on a high note, in spite of the tragedy. Understanding what he was saying, I interrupted by saying, "Yeah. I totally get that... you want to end the year with a bang."
He says, "Are you kidding me?" and left.
It was totally unintentional. I felt horrible.
TL;DR I said "ending the year with a bang" three days after a school shooting at my school.
girlwithpinkscarf: he should give you another shot ;)
badvok666: The guys stubborn, musket it from his parents.
bigdaddydom: That joke almost backfired
[deleted]: He must be a real straight shooter. No funny business.
[deleted]: Op should stick to his guns, and own his unintentional pun.
luckeynumber8: looks like you guys are all out of bullets
bigdaddydom: I feel sad now, maybe I should shoot myself.
Wait, I still got it!
ViciousAxel: That was a barrel of laughs
| 9 | 6 | |
1402644527 | 1402648260 | t3_2819xc | t5_2to41 | 39 | tiracistfu: TIFU by calling a black kid a monkey
I was at the park with my friend and there was this cute little black kid, maybe 2 or 3, sitting across from us with his mom. He was eating a banana and kind of making a mess, and he kept making funny noises and smiling and waving his arms at me while he ate the banana, so I playfully asked him if he was a little monkey. I sincerely didn't realize what I had said until it was out of my mouth. The mom gave us this look and we got out of there fast.
dannyiscool4: Honestly I would not have thought that you were racist if I were there. He's eating a fucking banana! Of course that's what you're talking about
mihor: Of course it was racist! After all, we are *apes*, not monkeys. >:(
| 3 | 13 | |
1402644734 | 1402677684 | t3_281a40 | t5_2to41 | 34 | dannyiscool4: TIFU by not noticing an email
So today I discovered that I had been offered a position at my dream job.
The problem is, the email was sent to me at an email address I no longer use.
I applied for the job over a year ago, and they responded quickly saying they do not have a position open.
A few months later, I had to get a new email address for various reasons. I told everyone who I have been in contact with that I was changing my email address, but I did not tell this company, because I thought my business with them was done. The thought didn't cross my head that they would ever try to contact me again. Then I basically just abandoned the old email.
So today, I was browsing through my old email looking for something, and I discovered that the company had messaged me a few months ago, saying that they now have a position open where they think I would be a great fit. I panicked and emailed them back immediately, but unfortunately for me, it's too late, I waited too long. The spot has already been taken.
So now I have to continue working at my current job which I hate, whilst knowing that I could be living the good life had I just done a better job handling my emails. I now have a permanent dent in my future
:(
ffence: That's just horrible. You should forward mails from your old account to your new one. I've missed many opportunities because of abandoning old email accounts.
dannyiscool4: I had no idea you could do that
ffence: Of course you can! It works with most email providers. Just google how to do it with your email provider.
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1402445823 | 1402772656 | t3_27u1vj | t5_2to41 | 2 | TheUnofficial98: TIFU by eating unhealthy before working out
This happened this morning and I certainly learned a lesson from it. So I started to workout with a personal trainer a few weeks ago because I wanted to get buff. I go twice a week, and the sessions are in the morning, so I have to get up around 8 or 9 and eat something. Now, I'm not really a morning person, so I'm still getting used to waking up earlier and eating breakfast. So here's where I fuck up. I was craving some chips & salsa, so I decide I would eat a few to fill up my stomach for working out.
Fast-forward to when I start working out. I got through the normal warm-up and proceeded to do my squats. This week, I had to do 100. Well, I push myself too hard and start to feel sick, and just push the feeling aside. i do about 40 push-ups next, and feel worse. I move on to the next exercise, and that pushes me over the limit. I ask to go to the bathroom and calmly walk over as if nothing was wrong and I just needed to pee. When I enter, I proceed to throw up in the toilet. It was terrible. A little got on the bowl, so I reach over to grab some toilet paper. I look and see there is none, forcing me to use my hands and water to get it off. It was unbelievably disgusting. When I go to wash my hands, my luck got worse because there was no soap. So i have to use some Deodorant that's on the counter.
After I'm all cleaned up, I walk out and finish my work-out like nothing ever happened. I was so embarrassed and the only ones I've told are my brother and mom.
tl;dr: Ate unhealthy before work-out, paid for it later.
ShowStoppa718: Your breath smelled like a rotting Mexican
TheUnofficial98: I was so embarrassed by it. I just got hurried up and got out of there as fast as I could.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1402651569 | 1402686042 | t3_281f4x | t5_2to41 | 91 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling a new manager at my job to fuck off.
**A few points about how shitty my morning was going:**
* The morning shift started late, meaning they were planning on cramming more work on us.
* The manager in question is some metrosexual tough guy that plucks his eyebrows.
* He never introduced himself, and when I tried to talk to him, he brazenly ignored me, then interrupted me and told me to go back to work.
* I'm not even supposed to be here today. I volunteered to help train new-hires and help pick up the slack.
* I was dripping sweat and working my ass off.
**The Incident**
A voice comes from our backs. *"What's going on in here?"*
For some reason he's booming his voice. He has his arms open and a faux-surprised look on his face, wanting to provoke some sort of response. I thought he must be upper management, not a local manager. Especially since he's not wearing the uniform. But I guess the uniform they gave him didn't accentuate his biceps enough.
I look at him and continue working. I don't like him. None of us says anything to the pointless question.
*"You don't like working hard or what?"*
He sounds like that guy that's always looking for a fight.
I look at him, say What, and go back to working.
*"Yeah. You. I'm looking at you from out there. You look like you're going a little slow. Why don't we go a little faster? We're getting backed up."* He's standing too close to warrant such use of his diaphragm.
*"We're keeping up. I'm training these guys--"*
He interrupts me. *"Well it looks like you're falling behind over here."*
I might be clearly irritated at the point. That's the second time he interrupted me.
*^Why ^is ^he ^still ^standing ^there? ^Say ^something ^and ^move ^on, ^loser. ^Quit ^forcing ^yourself ^on ^us. ^It ^looks ^desperate. ^WE ^GET ^IT. ^You're ^going ^around ^cracking ^skulls ^or ^whatever. ^Feck ^off, ^m8*
I keep my back to him, hoping he'll let me finish my work. But I defend myself out loud.
*"It looks that way because we're getting the last of the volume late, but we're doing fine,"* I said.
*"I don't care. No excuses. I want to see you working harder."*
*"Fuck off."*
I kind of zone out. The new-hires are still silent, working rather slow, but I think they paused.
*"Hey, what did you say to me?"*
At last there's a hint of sincerity in his voice. Still there is a repulsive facade to the way he holds himself.
*"We know what we're doing, okay? These two guys have been here two days and even they know how things work. We're not backed up."*
Now I started to regret what I was saying. He looks like he's about to punch me. I get a pleasure and pain in my gut at seeing his gorilla face get angry. He could probably beat my ass, but he's almost a foot shorter than me. That's always funny.
*"Motherfucker. I'll show you how things work."*
He left my area. Work finally started to slow. I climbed into a tower and spent the rest of the shift above. I asked the other guy in the tower if he knew who "the guy with the stupid eyebrows" is. He didn't know. I slowly started to realize that he's the new local manager, that he's the one making the shift changes.
When I was clocking out I didn't see him. I expected to be fired by somebody. Then someone from HR confirmed to me that he has just been transferred from another facility, and that he is in fact going to be managing the morning from now on.
I actually worked the evening shift today, too. For the most part I don't work mornings. Still though. I haven't heard anything so far.
#YOLO
walterhpdx: Yeah, the guy's a dick.
*But*, you don't have to try and paint him as something to get more people on your side and not on his side. Instead of all the innuendos (he plucks his eyebrows, metrosexual looking, etc) how about you just stick to the facts. Because the new manager sounds like a dick, but you sound like a douchebag.
[deleted]: You tell him to not use innuendos then call him a name. What message were you sending?
walterhpdx: Point made, I believe...
[deleted]: Oh
| 5 | 18.2 | |
1402660918 | 1402666656 | t3_281mkv | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by confessing to girl that I like her
So a couple of months ago I saw this cute cashier at a store, when I bought a canvas and paint there.
I knew that a lot of my friends knew her, so I asked around and got her name and Facebook. I added her and we started talking.
Now, almost half a year later, I can say that I've developed feelings for her, even though she just wants me as a friend. We hung out a couple of times. Nothing too special.
Yesterday she asked me if there was someone I liked. I said yes and after some asking I confessed to her.
To sum up her answer: "I know"
That's it. Now I'm confused and don't know what to do.
I know this sounds whiney but it's been ages since I've met someone who makes me feel like her.
tl;dr: Girl I like pulled a Han Solo on me
Deathrow558: Well obviously she likes you too or she wouldn't have asked such a leading question would she?
If someone came up to you and said "I want to rape you", you wouldn't go "Yeah, I know". You'd say "Well stay the fuck away from me"
She likes you. Grow a pair and sarting talking then ask her to go for a drink. If she says no, tell her you were only kidding anyway ;)
the_dinks: I disagree. Don't fuck around, OP. Don't pretend you were joking.
MiG_Eater: Upvoted for the humour. DO NOT TAKE THIS ADVICE OP.
the_dinks: Shit, unintentional comma, I meant "do not pretend you were joking, be an adult"
MiG_Eater: Dat more dan comma.
| 6 | 3 | |
1402660428 | 1402758704 | t3_281m4c | t5_2to41 | 4,406 | seraph77: TIFU by grabbing my GF's sister's ass
A couple months ago, but [this](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2801q8/tifu_by_grabbing_a_strangers_breasts_in_public/) post reminded me of this story.
Me, the girlfriend, her sister, and husband, their kids all went out for pizza and drinks one night. This place also has an arcade area for the kids to play at, so we decided on a "family fun night". My girlfriend is the DD for our side, and sister's husband is on their side, so they keep it pretty mellow. For whatever reason though me and her sister starting doing shots left and right and getting wasted.
Fast forward a bit, and we're all in the arcade area. I see my girlfriend playing a game, so I sneak up behind her and grab two big handfuls of dat booty. She reciprocates by reaching a hand back and grabbing a handful of.. well, me. We maintain this position of mutual squeezing while I'm nuzzling the back of her neck for a few seconds, then she turns around for a kiss.. and it's her sister. We both just look at each other wide-eyed for however long it took our inebriated brains to comprehend what just happened. You're not [GF] and you're not [husband]...
I stammered out an apology and tried to explain that I thought she was [GF], but really had no excuse, as even though they're pretty close in size, her outfit was completely different than what the girlfriend had on that night. I still have no idea how my brain screwed up that bad.
The best part is, her husband watched this all go down. I think our shocked looks gave our "accident" story some credibility, but I think he still has suspicions today that we're screwing around.
[deleted]: Husband reaction is...remarkably calm...
seraph77: Yeah, but I don't know how much he actually saw. From his angle and distance, it probably just looked like I was getting a little too close up on his wife. Who knows.
YouGotAte: Buy a Camelbak. Fill it with Red Bull. Take it with you everywhere you go. And *never sleep again*.
Phantom0808: Tried that with caffeine pills in college. It went well untill I began hallucinating and my vision got blurry. But that took like 4-5 days honestly not sure exactly how longn I was up after the 4th morning cause it all got really fuzzy
[deleted]: just a heads up for next time: you'll literally die if you don't sleep for a period of like 7 days
Edit: I'm wrong. Need to stop believing what is taught to me by the man.
TheGInsider: Just heads up. Ngoc Thai does not sleep. http://www.theepochtimes.com/n2/science/sleep-ngoc-thai-tony-wright-randy-gardner-david-blaine-2855.html
[deleted]: cool read thanks. Not discrediting the article at all but this is obviously this is an outlier though. And like i said above everything I learned in my psych class is slowing becoming false so I probably should stop using my knowledge from that class
TheGInsider: Yeah, the length that the relevant psychology information will be valid is 5 years. How long has it been since that class?
brandaman69: Its best to remember that everything learned in psychology is not true and should be simply recognized as what other people think.
TheGInsider: Yep. Thats Psychology for ya. Also, I take THE out of Psychotherapist. (Pyschology joke)
brandaman69: Lol that is such an awful joke.
TheGInsider: I Know. Psycho(the)rapist. Thats why i trust none of them. not the worst joke i've heard though. here is the worst joke in terms of offense that ive heard. "What do you call a Kinder gardener with no friends?" "A Sandy Hook Survivor."
brandaman69: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, thats pretty terrible.
I got one, how do you know your sister is on her period? "Your dads dick tastes funny."
TheGInsider: What's the funnest part about cumming in a 12 year old girl? A month later, you can throw her down stairs and make her have a miscarriage. What's the hardest thing about reading a news article about a child's murder?
My dick.
How can you fit 100 Jews in a Volkswagon?
Two in the front seats, two in the back seats and rest in the ashtray.
I was fucking this retarded girl the other day and she wouldn't let me cum in her mouth, so I jizzed on the window and let nature take it's course.
What did the Jews hate the most about the Holocaust? The Caust!
Whats the difference between a dead baby and a table? You can't fuck a table.
Whats the worst part about fucking a dead baby? Getting the stains out of your clown costume.
What do you get when you hit a baby in the head with a hammer?
An erection.
What's the hardest part about nailing a dead baby to a tree?
My dick
What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus? I don't know, but it sure can pick tomatoes!
What's black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None... he fell.
What's the best part of sex with a transvestite? Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Phelps can finish a race.
I would tell a Casey Anthony joke, but my mom would kill me...
So I was balls deep in this guy thrusting as hard as I could when I reached around to give him a hand job. Guess what? That fucker had an erection. What. A. Queer.
"Hey, boss! What's the difference between work and your daughter?" ... "I'm not coming into work this morning!"
What's worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother's pussy? Sucking out thirteen of them and realizing you only put in a dozen.
A baby seal walked into a club...
What is the difference between a gay guy and a fridge? The fridge doesn't fart when you pull meat out.
What's the best part about raping a baby? It makes your dick look HUGE!
What's the best part about raping a four year old boy? Watching him cry on the witness stand. What do you call four klansman pushing a pickup truck? White power.
What do you call a black guy who flies a plane? A pilot, you racist asshole!
What's the difference between a rock and a dead baby? You can't fuck a rock.
What's white and fourteen inches long? Nothing.
What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A pedophile.
Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? You would too if you were named Auuurraaagggghhh!
What is the most positive thing in harlem? HIV.
Why do Jewish girls like to fuck doggy style? They can't stand to see somebody else have a good time.
Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? One stops sucking when you slap it.
What's the difference between a British man and his girlfriend? His girlfriend has a higher sperm count.
Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature? Because spray paint wasn't invented until 1949.
What's the first thing a redneck says after losing her virginity? Get off of me Dad, you're crushing my cigarettes.
What do rednecks and KFC have in common? They do chicken right.
In Kentucky, what do divorces and tornados have in common? Either way, someone is going to lose a trailer.
Why do the Scottish wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.
What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire? Drowns
Two (insert favorite ethnic group here) jump off the top of a very tall building. Which one his the ground first? Who gives a fuck?
What's so good about an Ethiopian blow-job? You know she'll swallow.
Why did the redneck cross the road? Because he couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.
What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection? Quarter pounder with cheese.
How do you kill 100 Mexicans? Blow up their van.
What do you call five Mexicans on the bottom of a pool? Cinco
What's black and blue and hates sex? A rape victim.
What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? They both drip when they're fucked.
What did the little black boy say when he got diarrhea? I'm melting!
What do you call a fat Chinese person? A chunk.
What did the little Mexican boy get for Christmas? My bike.
How are fat bitches and Mo-peds the same? They are both fun to ride, but you don't tell your friends about them.
How many house wives does it take to screw in a light bulb? None! what the Fuck they doing out of the kitchen!?
How do you blindfold a chinese person? Dental floss.
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven!
Why do black people play basketball? They can run, shoot, and steal
What did Adolf Hitler get his neice for her birthday? An easy bake oven.
You started this.
| 15 | 293.733333 | |
1402661209 | 1402726274 | t3_281mud | t5_2to41 | 67 | TheMadHatterOnTea: TIFU by trying to scare my cat
My cat's developed this habit of coming and sitting right in front of my computer screen, blocking my view, much like [this](http://imgur.com/cSRygtY). He was being all cute, purring and doing cat things - and this caught my mum's attention. She came up to dear cat-face and started patting him.
I was in a bit of an evil mood and asked mum whether I should scare him, she told me not to but without much warning I yelled "OOGA BOOGA!" and made some weird sudden hand-movement.
My cat was startled...aaaaand so was my mum. My mum, who was mid-cat-pat drew her hand back too quickly and ended up punching me in the mouth.
I guess I deserved that.
Agent_545: >OOGA BOOGA!
And this is where I died.
flesjewater: RIP in peace :(
zeoro: Rest in pepperoni in peace
Agent_545: You are stuck in a room with six foot thick concrete walls, floor, and ceiling, no windows or door. All you have is shaker full of pepper. How do you escape, you ask?
You sprinkle the pepper on your knee, mutter the word "O!", stick that motherfucker in between the pepper and your knee, you see what you saw, you saw the pepperoni in half, two halves make a whole, you jump out the hole.
What they don't tell you is that the cell is two miles above the ground.
| 5 | 13.4 | |
1402664386 | 1402683656 | t3_281qc0 | t5_2to41 | 1,024 | shamefulthroway123: TIFU by accidentally stabbing my friend with a kitchen knife UPDATE
Jen_Nozra: I am so sorry. Please forgive yourself for this. It was a tragic accident. My love to you and Jack's family.
MindTravel: No offense to OP but this story sounds like bullshit. Hes used to throw knives as a kid? Manslaughter? No news articles about this? Doctors said it pierced some major organs and he remained alive for a while? But the knife went straight into his heart? Seems $100% true I guess.
[deleted]: Maybe it is faked. Yeah, that would be scummy, but giving him a little sympathy and moving on won't hurt anyone. However, if he's being honest, you're willing to call him a liar with no evidence when he accidentally killed his best friend? There's a time and a place to call people out on bullshit. Get some real proof, or this is not that time.
EDIT: wording
thebestaccountant: I mean, if he is coming to post this on the internet, he clearly isn't in such a sensitive place. Also potentially a sociopath - either he is lying about killing someone, or he actually did kill someone and wasn't mentally shattered enough to stop him from coming online almost immediately to post about it.
[deleted]: Didn't you see that it's been 5 months since the original post? That's far from immediately in my book.
thebestaccountant: Actually I saw neither since he deleted this post. I just saw people referencing some guy stabbing his friend and then posting about it.
[deleted]: Oh, well, to catch you up to speed:
Essentially, 6ish months ago, he was messing around and throwing knives for shits and giggles, he threw one at his beanbag, forgot about it, and his buddy jumped onto the beanbag. Last we heard before this update, his friend wasn't doing so well. Today, he updated and confirmed his friend died and he's potentially facing manslaughter charges.
thebestaccountant: Oh, thanks. I thought the beanbag references were referring to a guys nut sack.
[deleted]: That would give an interesting new meaning to my summary.
| 10 | 102.4 | |
1402666333 | 1402676662 | t3_281ssb | t5_2to41 | 17 | Turn_A0: TIFU by conditioning myself against the alarm clock.
Last month I've been trying to get some routine in my days, so I have an alarm clock set at 9.30 to get out of bed. I usually ignore this alarm clock or stuff it under my pillow in agony and stay in bed for another hour or so because I don't have a real reason to get out of bed before 12.00.
Without realising I have conditioned myself to not care about the alarm clock. Big big fail for those times when you have an appointment before midday.
Yesterday my dentist calls me up and tells me a spot came free tomorrow at 9.00, which I accepted gratefully because else I had to wait untill begin July for my appointment. I go to the bank to be able to pay cash at the dentist, which he prefers.
I set 2 alarm clocks so I'm sure I would get out of bed. I go to a friends house to watch some football and I'm sure I wont be making it late because of the dentist appointment. Stayed until 23.00 and had 2 beers.
Alas this morning my brain could not remember anything related to a dentist. I didn't even read the alarm clock label on my phone, just turned it off asap.
I remember thinking whilst in bed "Huh, nothing to get out of bed for right? Right."
And because I went to watch football yesterday I think I turned of the volume of my phone, which I rarely do. So I missed 2 calls from the dentist as well, who was probably getting very upset because she especially gave me that free spot on her busy schedule.
At 10.15 the hammer of consciousness hits me (I checked my phone) and I hurry to the dentist to apologise. She told me she had a girl crying at her doorstep because of the pain but couldn't help her because I had an appointment at that time :(
So I apologized again and left with a long face, thankfully no fee tho.
This is very typical me, I sometimes wonder if I have some brain damage or anything which causes me to be so absent-minded all the time (and especially in the morning)
Ben_zyl: You could always get a Clocky, but once you start setting multiple alarm events with the thought that they mostly don't count you're just training yourself to disregard them, same as setting the time more than a few minutes fast. Do it properly with serious intent the first time and you should be fine.
Turn_A0: TIL .. something at least.
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1402670502 | 1402759345 | t3_281yry | t5_2to41 | 60 | Can_I_Borrow_A_Feel: TIFU by following up on a job.
Been out of work for a while. I had a lead at a small community organization in town. I was perfect for the job, I met every single qualification on their posting and then some.
So I applied and dutifully waited the standard week before calling them to follow up. Figured following-up usually puts you above the rest of the herd. The call went like this:
Me: Hi, my name is Can_I_Borrow_A_Feel, I recently applied for a job with you and was just hoping to follow up on that. Are you the right person to talk to?
Lady: Yes, but the posting said clearly no phone inquiries. We'll be calling applicants today and Monday.
Me: Oh. Sorry about that. Bye.
I thought phone inquiries referred to applying over the phone / asking for an interview, not follow-ups. I kinda don't' think they're going to call. /sigh.
ThorofareMusic: I would have done the same thing. If she was butthurt just because you called to follow up, it might not even be a good place to work anyway.
happyaccount55: I hear this alot but 99% of people aren't going for a job because it's a good place to work. They're just broke.
Tim337: [A lot*]
(http://imgur.com/BPGjkFx)
strong9510: Thumbs up for the Hyperbole and a half reference
Tim337: I actually have her book. It's pretty great.
strong9510: I do too. Pretty great book.
| 7 | 8.571429 | |
1402669062 | 1402726981 | t3_281wly | t5_2to41 | 56 | attack-on-uke: TIFU by questioning the rapping ability of a handicap.
Well, you see. I was doing this retreat with a bunch of my other friends, and there was this handicapped man coming to speak with us. He had no legs, only nubs, and his hands were puffy and inflated. He was also missing multiple fingers
He started out by talking about his life in a very conceited way. He made himself out like he was the best coke in the factory c, which I hated. I dislike people with HUGE egos. He showed us how amazing he was at wheelchair basketball, even without a multitude of fingers, and explained how he met Morgan Freeman and basically anyone he wanted, mostly because of handicapped-privileges.
He then started speaking about how he could rap better than Eminem, which I internally responded with "Well, why don't you have your own bloody record deal then, Mr. I'm-So-Perfect?" So he asked us "Who here thinks I can't rap?" I rose my hand faster than NASCAR drivers can make a left turn.
He then wheeled up to me, and completely and verbally demolished me and every iota of self-esteem I had in front of 400 people and most of my friends.
(Mind you, I was wearing a shirt with an Eye of Horus on it. Look up the spiritual meaning of that)
I NEEDED A RESPONSE. So the dumbass in me waited for him to finish, which he did with "They call me the Incredible Hulk, that's why your girlfriend's aura is always green."
I responded with....
"I'm gay."
Yes, so now 400 people including my friends know that I was verbally demolished, and gay. Rainbow power can't save me now.
[deleted]: You should of just told him it was terrible right when he finished. From that ending line I can tell anything that was before it had to be downright atrocious.
attack-on-uke: It was actually fairly well constructed, although the ending was in my favour to create a fair comeback. I failed miserably.
aDAMNPATRIOT: I mean, are you gay? Because if not...I mean, why would that be your go to line... Like what
attack-on-uke: I am gay. And very stupid. Being blinded by pure jealousy, I am a derp. ouo
aDAMNPATRIOT: oh well then it's not that bad v0v
| 6 | 9.333333 | |
1402673678 | 1402674746 | t3_2823w9 | t5_2to41 | 3 | captinfail: TIFU by ruining all my friendships
Only had one true friend left that I maybe see once every two months. Apparently the possibility of hanging out two weekends in a row was too much for his SO.
TFIU by being to clingy
ThadeRose: Tough luck my friend.
I can only advise to go/do/try things to meet new people.
A circle of friends I used to be real close with, like talk every day kinda thing, has all of a sudden all stopped responding to me. Like total ignorance. It's really weird, it happened after I moved house (Still same town!) and I can't even figure out why.
This drove me to try and meet some new people, and luckily develop some new hobbies :)
So I would go for some positive thinking and perhaps some new adventures...!
captinfail: Yea I agree I need to get out and its the penalty I pay for not breaking out of my safe zone. However I foolishly assumed that safe zone was building me life long relationships
| 3 | 1 | |
1402674527 | 1402678173 | t3_2825b0 | t5_2to41 | 5 | Lolabola92: TIFU by singing Karaoke
So yesterday night (yes, not today) I went out with some friends to a karaoke bar that's only a happening place on Thursdays. We're having a good time, I get drunk, see some old friends, and genuinely just have an all around nice time. At one point in the night, this woman and her stilettos come stomping into my life and right onto my big toe. I feel a "pop" let out a yelp, look down and grimace. Nail is bleeding and I'm like "Fuck" but I don't want to ruin everyone's time so I decide I'll just tough it out.
I look down about a minute later (because JESUS this shit hurt) and see I'm just oozing blood. I'm like "Fuccccckkk" but decide again not to say anything because why harsh on peoples good time? Then five minutes later I just start bawling uncontrollably, my friends see the situation and get me home. Mom yells at me for going out and getting drunk (just graduated 2 weeks ago, still jobless after a gaggillion applications, and tensions are high) even though I'm 21 and my friend was D.D. and this morning I figured out I had left my card at the bar for my tab because I had been a frantic and bleeding mess. Hopefully I can reclaim that (anyone know the deal about that stuff?)
TL;DR: Went to sing "come on Eileen" got stomped on instead and cracked my toenail. Blood everywhere. Card left at the bar.
jmcvety: They'll be holding your credit card and you'll just have to pay your tab before you get the card back. The toe will take longer to get back to normal though.
Lolabola92: Well at least the cards a relief, thanks!!!
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1402675405 | 1402687600 | t3_2826q4 | t5_2to41 | 727 | ThrowAwayJoe14: TIFU by becoming friends with Tom Cruise
[deleted]: Dude, you have to do it! For reddit. You have to be our man on the inside. Help us expose Scientology from within!
ThrowAwayJoe14: I've heard of very bad things happening to people who do this. I'm not a member yet so I'm hoping I can just kind of back off and they'll drop it. It's kind of neat to say that Tom Cruise is your friend though although nobody will believe it until they see a picture of you together or something.
If I see him again, I will get a picture. I didn't last time because seriously, if you knock a celebrity down are you going to be a big enough dick to ask them for a picture?
CaptainPatent: So I'm not fully convinced of this story either, but for the sake of what I'm about to say, we'll assume it is all true.
Even though you posted to a throwaway account, there is very likely only one person who will fit the description in this story in the mind of Tom Cruise. If this gets any level of notoriety on reddit, it's already game over. The "bad things" you're thinking about will likely come true because the church will find out.
I'm also pretty sure you need to sign some crazy-strict legally-binding documents in order to fully join the church so there will be no "man on the inside scenario" for both of the above reasons.
Honestly, and again if there is any merit to the story, the best thing to do would be to try and let Tom down easily.
A picture would be good though.
legfeg: > not fully convinced
But come on it's a great story
CaptainPatent: I don't disagree, but Harry Potter was a great story yet I still haven't been able to cast a single petronas charm...
I'm beginning to think that may have all been a lie too.
ardranor: Well, are you using "your" wand as opposed to some cheap thrift store wand? many a beginners spell have been thwarted by not investing in the proper wand for themselves
Raveynfyre: I got *my* wand from the Harry Potter section at Universal Studios, does that count? I haven't tried it out yet.
zynthalay: Honestly, have you never even read the books? You need to find the wand that matches you, not just any one that happens to be handy!
Raveynfyre: They did match it with me!
zynthalay: So how have you not tried it? It should have been pretty clear when you had the right one, what happened?
| 11 | 66.090909 | |
1402675228 | 1402699049 | t3_2826fx | t5_2to41 | 5 | SO_I_RAPED_HER: TIFU by sending away my RedditGifts gift.
-eDgAR-: Sorry, but your submission has been removed because of rule #3.
SO_I_RAPED_HER: Okay, no problem.
-eDgAR-: Thanks for being understanding and I'm sorry that your bookmarks got all mixed up.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1402669658 | 1402685983 | t3_281xi6 | t5_2to41 | 24 | Cirerabassa: TIFU by ingesting my fathers toe blood.
I am a nail biter, this is a habit that has frustrated my family for years as it's not deemed as "ladylike" and I have attempted to stop on many occasions, I am yet to succeed however this may be the day that I stop for good.
Today I was happily procrastinating online while subconsciously biting my nails when I'd accidentally pulled a small layer of nail back to the cuticle... not a big deal to most people but the small tab (I don't know how else to describe it, I'm sure those who bite their nails know where I am coming from though) was annoying me beyond belief and while it was on my mind, I just had to get rid of it. However, my teeth couldn't reach it and nor could my already "trimmed" nails, so I opted for the next best thing... tweezers.
I noticed a pair on the small table in the living room, the ones I had lent to my Dad earlier to (what I'd assumed, anyway) pluck a stray eyebrow hair or whatever. I picked them up and managed to dislodge the piece of nail that was annoying me so much and then proceeded to put it into my mouth while still on the tweezers absentmindedly. If my realisation of what I'd just done didn't disgust me enough, when I pulled back the little metal pliers I was shocked to see blood on the end of them, and this is when it hit me...
My Dad has recently been suffering from an ingrowing toenail and has been poking away at his infection with hot needles and soaking his foot in salty water and all that jazz and had used my tweezers to "help" that situation.
Needless to say, vigorous brushing of the teeth occurred immediately after the recognition of what had happened, followed shortly by thoughts of whether or not there is a safe way to sterilise your mouth.
brewheehee: Oh damn. I want to say your dad also fucked up my poking/prodding/picking an ingrown toenail--that just makes shit worse!
Cirerabassa: He has had the problem for a few months now and won't believe me when I say that it isn't (just) his work shoes making things worse, its his constant tampering.
brewheehee: Has he ever seen a foot doctor? He could cause an infection if he keeps messing with it.
Cirerabassa: Not yet but I have suggested it to him on more than one occasion. He claims that things are getting better.
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1402673686 | 1404157385 | t3_2823wp | t5_2to41 | 35 | magicfinbow: TIFU by silencing an entire nightclub
So this was a few years ago, I was touring Europe as a DJ, and my chaperone in this particular country was also a DJ as the case usually is. The nightclub was buzzing, I played a good headline set, and it was my chaperone's set up next. This club had new [CDJ's](http://www.decks.co.uk/image.ashx?p=1/26102.jpg&w=1189&h=1500) which he had not used before.
He got as far as being able to put the CD in and the song was building up. I was busy packing my stuff away when he tapped me on the shoulder and shouted in my ear:
"*something something* eject button!"
For the life of me I have no idea what possessed me to do it, but I pointed to the eject button, and pressed it. The entire nightclub went silent and I basically ruined his entire set. If you lose the vibe, you lose the crowd.
TL;DR: I pressed the eject button during another DJ's set instead of pointing it out to him and silenced a packed nightclub.
9numbers: You know TIFU means... ...Today I fucked up?
Da_Porta: You know if you read the rules... A story can be posted regardless of the date it happened?
9numbers: Maybe it should be : TDIFU - That Day I Fucked Up.....
..... sorry if I offended you
Da_Porta: You didn't offend me, your ignorance did.
9numbers: I think my point is valid though...
Why say "Today I Fucked Up".... so last week.
When you could say "That Day I Fucked Up".
Ignorance... .... .... ... ?
You heard of Logic? I heard it works out most of the time?
Da_Porta: Why does it matter if it's today or 10 years ago? Do you want to start a new subreddit called TDIFU?
9numbers: Well this for one...
Today, adverb - on or in the course of this present day.
Do you get this?
Da_Porta: Because it's simpler this way
9numbers: hey if your simple, your simple
| 10 | 3.5 | |
1402679780 | 1402681684 | t3_282duy | t5_2to41 | 14 | moistur: TIFU by singing a serenade to a girl other than my girlfriend
It actually happened few months ago, but i hasn't known about this subreddit.
So i dont know if any of u have seen those videos on youtube: guys singing girls love song during university lectures. That's what my friend and I have decided to do for valentine's day (well the day before valentine's). We would just randomly walk to different lecture classrooms, and sing. I study music in my university, so I have pretty good voice.
My turn came, and my friend chose me random hall that I supposed to go. I walked in and went straight to the first girl I saw in the first row. I took out my guitar, got to one knee, and started singing "Just the way you are" and it was right in the middle of class lecture. Everyone's applause, and I hand this girl a flower. (well prof cut their break time for interrupted lecture)
So everything went straight and right, however after 15 minutes I got this horrible message from my girlfriend. "That's it". Something was horrible wrong.
I couldn't reach her for some time, but I caught up her near her house.
She was really upset and didnt want to talk to me. I was desperate, and asked what exactly happened. Then she slapped me pretty bad, saying that she knows about my love for another girl. I was really confused, and then the realization hit me that she was in one of lecture halls I went to. Well, my vision is pretty bad, so i guess I just didnt see her. It took sometime to persuade her that I had no idea who that girl was.
That mistake costed me a lot: I had to take her for nice romantic dinner right the next day. Strangely, she totally refused my attempt to sing her serenade or buy flowers.
shuttter: Are you retarded? You're lucky your girlfriend is still with you lmao. I would have had a heart attack if I was your girlfriend!
moistur: Well if not this, she would already break up with me out of boredom
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1402682842 | 1402796009 | t3_282iq0 | t5_2to41 | 1,201 | MagnaKendra: TIFU by getting fingered-NSFW
TIFU by getting fingered by my boyfriend. This was actually a combination of last night and this morning.
He went drinking with the guys last night, and I stayed at his place puttering around until he got home. When he did finally return, I was pretty amped up and jumped on him immediately. Sexy time commenced.
Things progressed pretty normally, and he pulled out to finger me. This is where I went wrong. The boyfriend is extremely talented, and he also had a small squirting fetish. No big deal. Get in there and get it done, I'll never say no that. But I had not gone to the bathroom very recently.
I peed all over him, and because he was drunk, he didn't even notice. Not only did I pee on him, but I peed on me, and his extremely nice mattress.
After we finished, he got up to do his post sex ritual. And I scrambled to rip the sheets up and soak up as much of my urine with a towel as possible. I managed to put another set of sheets on before he noticed, and I slept on a towel because it obviously soaked through.
I had to leave for work at 8:00 this morning. He doesn't work, so he is still sleeping. I sprayed it with his cologne to maybe, possibly hide the situation. I probably should have told him, but I'm already in too deep to give up my efforts.
Tldr; Accidental golden shower
Jack21222: I really wish I could tell my customers at work that they need to buy a mattress protector for reasons like this. I have to resort to things like "everybody sweats at night" and the like to justify the purchase. Even if you hadn't peed, just squirting normally will soak into the mattress.
So yeah, a waterproof mattress protector is recommended for EVERYBODY, in large part because people have sex on their mattresses.
www.mattressnerd.com/reasons-you-need-a-mattress-protector/ has more.
thelieswetell: We have one. It's amazing. We had to buy it as a condition of the warranty for the mattress. Our cat has peed twice on the bed and it is still pristine.
WordOfGav: > Our cat has peed...
"cat"
[deleted]: "pussy"
_Hamburger_: "vagina"
Luukingforhelp: "Beaver"
DuceWillis: Nope. Chuck Testa.
Dewmeister14: IT'S BACK
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN IT IS BACK
redoverture: Thank you for that.
Dewmeister14: Hey, no problem. Any time.
| 11 | 109.181818 | |
1402682203 | 1403012881 | t3_282hrc | t5_2to41 | 1,180 | KaptianKrush: TIFU by pulling my dick out too early
For the past weeks I have been trying to get back in shape, as part of my regimen I have been drinking 5-6L of water a day. This, of course, leads to frequent urination.
Let me preface this by saying I just started a new job two weeks ago. So here I am, my bladder is busting and I hurry in to the bathroom.
To get to the urinals you have to walk past a row of stalls. Needing to relieve myself so badly I take my dick as I'm walking past the stalls getting ready for pee heaven. I have to go so bad at this point I'm not even looking whats going on, everything is a blur. I round the corner to the urinal. As I'm coming around the corner, dick in hand, my coworker who I did not see takes a step back and turns around. BAM, my junk makes full contact with this guys leg. I try to cool over the situation by saying "No Homo", He stumbles back, and rushes out of the bathroom.
I'm so embarrassed, considering quitting.
DaDottedLion: Leave a Hallmark card on his desk. Everybody loves to get a Hallmark card. Look in the "I'm sorry I rubbed my dick on you" section.
And be sure to sign it with a smiley face, so he knows you're sincere.
KaptianKrush: "There's a card for that!" - Hallmark 2014
DaDottedLion: I was going to tell you to look in the "Congratulations" or "Thank You" section, but you know, "no homo" and all that.
KaptianKrush: What's with the hate? Left wing redditors, everywhere.
DaDottedLion: Hate? What hate? I'm confoozled.
xaronax: You made a sarcastic joke, OP made one in return, and everyone lost their fucking minds and hammered the downvote button because they're shitstains that can't grasp humor. Welcome to reddit.
Parralyzed: I'm pretty sure it's not about a grasp of humor, rather just about the fact that that "joke" didn't make any sense.
DaDottedLion: > I was going to tell you to look in the "Congratulations" or "Thank You" section, but you know, "no homo" and all that.
Allow me to explain. OP has made clear that he is not gay (no homo). If OP was gay (or the coworker was), a possibly humorous situation could have been created by OP giving the coworker a card congratulating him on his contact with OP's penis, or thanking the coworker for the opportunity to touch him with it.
Tl;Dr Humor is definitely not humorous when you have to explain it.
Parralyzed: Yeah, I got that, it was funny, I laughed, I upvoted. What wasn't funny was the supposed "joke" OP made in response.
| 10 | 118 | |
1402669978 | 1402707650 | t3_281y1a | t5_2to41 | 8 | 00psi3s: TIFU: By browsing /r/suicidewatch at school
Not sure if it's that much of a FU but whatever.
Okay so we had a few lesson in school. Some friends of mine decided to look up some famous guys suicide note so I thought I'd show them /r/selfharm. Browsing that for about 5minutes or so then closed it and moved onto something else. Then theres a knock at the door and I'm asked to go for a chat outside. My school has a program called "ABTutor" (google it) which allows teachers to see what you're doing. After proving to a class he could see what they were doing he randomly hovered over my PC and saw "Suicide Watch".. Tried to explain I'm not suicidal but I don't really think he bought it. I'll probably have to talk to a school counsellor or social worker or something..
**TLDR; Went on /r/suicidewatch at school; teacher thinks I'm suicidal.**
Agent_545: Just browse this next.
revofire: Genius.
| 3 | 2.666667 |
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